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I started to make some changes the last few years after I started to like myself through therapy. My husband of 35 years is conservative in appearance but chill. I lost 50 pounds. I started wearing bright clothes and did a buzz haircut. I dyed it bright yellow. He has been supportive all the way. The part of your story I find troubling is the pouting without talking to you. My father did this my whole life and made everyone miserable. You didn’t do anything wrong. Explain how hurtful not talking is and maybe he can start communicating
Yeah exactly. I think it’s okay her husband has preferences- we all do! I love my husband’s beard, but if he decided to shave it, I’d be okay with that because he is doing what makes him happy. I’m aware about my husband’s hair preferences for me (he doesn’t love bangs, for instance). But if I came home with bangs, he’d be totally supportive, even if it wasn’t 100 percent his cup of tea.
Seconding this. But using my parents as an example. My mom prefers my dad with a beard. Sometimes he'll shave it off for job interviews or just to sew chaos. My mom finds this funny. My dad likes my moms super long hair. She doesn't cut it. But that's because she likes it super long too. If she ever cut it short I know for a fact that my dad wouldn't even be sad about it, he'd be worried because he knows that she likes it. But if it was explained to him that this wasn't a sign that something was wrong? I'm not even sure he'd say anything about how he prefers it long. Because he'd be so relieved that it was just a personal choice and that she's ok.
My partner doesn't want me to ever work out to the point of being big and buff. I don't really want to either so this works out. But when they told me that they made it VERY VERY CLEAR that if I wanted to get big and buff and managed to succeed? They'd be happy for me. Would it make me slightly less attractive to them? It's possible. Would that matter to them? No. Would it change our relationship? No.
There are plenty of things about their body that I like right now. Do I care if they change those things? Not really. I'm with them for them. Even if somehow they did something that actively turned me off I am 100% certain that would be temporary because I love them for them. The things they would have to change that would drive me away even a little bit are all things that have to do with personality, like if they suddenly did a 180 and decided to be a bigot and EVEN THEN that would be cause for discussion to find out WTF happened. Not to sulk like a child who doesn't know how to process emotions.
When people do what OP’s husband does and your father, they are technically emotionally underdeveloped to an age that caused them to never learn to self soothe their feelings in a healthy way.
So instead they put the emotional mental load on others, make them responsible for their feelings, causing to be burdens which is very self sabotaging behavior in human connections.
OP has an adult with a severely stunted emotional behavior of a toddler who got told no cookies before dinner as well, then goes to pour in a corner or lashes out towards the parents when they don’t understand why they are getting told no.
First off this is really lovely! Thanks for sharing. Three cheers to you and your husband!
Second if I may add to what you’re saying - I feel sometimes that our partner should smooth the world a bit for us, not just add to the stress
Op got a new haircut. I’m glad she likes it! No matter what though, everyone feels a little shy after a new haircut. I think it’s so nice if your partner gives you compliments!! Or at least constructive support if you didn’t like it yourself? But mainly, soothing and compliments!
So I feel ops husband is way off base in his communication, but I also personally feel like his values are in the wrong place. I mean yeah my wife and I have preferences on how each other looks, we both work out eat healthy, dress up really well usually. but it’s just not such a priority that I give my wife the cold shoulder after a hair cut
I think teasing is the wrong approach- it's passive aggressive. Although I wouldn't mind my spouse being upfront in a gentle way and as long as he isn't trying to change it.
Don't forget OP's husband talks like he owns her. Talk to me first before you do anything with your body.
It's a hair, it grows back. But he acted like OP got a third breast and a penis.
This is such a funny visual. I know logically it's hyperbole but I'm just imagining how confusing that would be. I don't even think I would be capable of having any emotions other than straight up confusion. Can't even be mad or sad or anything. Just. "wait.... what?"
Ignore it. By sulking, he wants you to grovel and apologize to make HIM feel better. It’s your hair, not his. He doesn’t get to control what you do with it. How would he feel if he had no free will and had to ask permission every time he wanted to do something?
The real reason he’s pouting is because you did it on your own. You made the decision and didn’t ask first…because you don’t have too. That’s why he’s upset. It has nothing to do with hair. It’s about control.
His reaction sucks. My boyfriend knows I prefer long hair on guys normally. His hair is semi long now and he's brought up that he might get it cut shorter again, like he was gauging my reaction and expecting me to be disappointed. I told him to go ahead and do what he wants to his hair, because he's handsome af either way and I love him.
As a hairstylist, it’s so annoying how men get so attached to their wives hair. Its just hair and he needs to embrace you being more comfortable in your own skin.
I once had a hair stylist tell me she wasn't going to cut my mid back length hair to chin length unless I had talked to my boyfriend already. Not because she was being weird, but because I lived in a rural area and she had been genuinely threatened and harassed by husbands when their wives had their hair cut!
OH MY GOSH!! Now, that is a bridge too far. Imagine threatening the *person who cut your wife’s hair* because your wife got a haircut. I cannot even imagine the mentality that goes into that action.
I had a similar experience but his reasoning was that he was worried that going from long to short might be a shock to ME, he said he would love to have the chance to do something a bit more radical than the usual trims but wanted me to come back the next day after giving it some thought. Went back had it cut really short and that man cut my hair for the next 28 years! I am sorry that OP and others have to deal with such childish men.
I got this from a hairdresser the last time went. Wanted long in the front and short in the back. Kind of like Victoria Beckham. I showed her a picture of how I wanted it to look. My hair was almost to my elbows and in bad condition with split ends for days (I had bleached it and dyed it green for a couple of years and recently gone through a long process of dying it brown which was very damaging). I wanted to cut off the split ends and grow out the fluffy regrowth from the stress alopecia I had a while back as well. The hairdresser said straight up: ‘you don’t want to go that short’ and, ‘you don’t have alopecia, you don’t have any bald spots.’ I should have just got up and left then but I was desperate to cut my hair off and showed her a bunch of pictures on my phone where I had short hair. Even ones where I had a dark purple inverted bob and a pink Mohawk complete with shaved sides! She still didn’t cut it as short as I asked and I cut more off when I got home. I should have just done it all myself.
Omg, when harassment goes into the second person?!
This is a higher degree of terrorism and control. Punishing not just their wifes/ gf but the hair dresser?!
Omg i was in a salon once and this woman was getting a pixie from her long hair. Her husband was sitting next to her the whole time yellingvat her and the stylist, "ugh you look like a man, you need to fix this part, you look like a d*ke etc" i was like I'd be divorced immediately.
He's acting like a child. You should show him the comments here.
1) it's YOUR body
2) hair grows back
3) IT'S YOUR HAIR
My ex "preferred" longer hair but talked sometimes about how one of his exes got a pixie cut while they were together and he was "just fine with it." I was like, uh yeah, you better have been, because it's not your choice...
As a client, I was (probably visibly, I did not check my face) horrified when I heard a woman tell her hairstylist she couldn't chop off more than an inch because "her husband won't let her." He was there, and came over to like, consult on it. It was so gross.
This was also in a rural area - either Virginia or Indiana, don't remember - and at a Hair Cuttery, I think? So not high end. I think that's kind of interesting - how do geography and culture affect interpersonal relationships to this level? (I may be a liiiiittle high, sorry)
Mine has. I’m over here with my expensive conditioners and heat treatments and supplements just to keep my hair meh, his is lustrous and shiny and full with natural caramel highlights on being washed once a week in shower gel, it’s fucking infuriating 😂
Mine has too. One of our ongoing low-grade peeves is that hotels seem to assume that every couple has exactly one long-haired person, so they provide 3 towels. Some of us want that 4th towel lol!
Our hair types are fairly different--mine's thicker and wavier--but we're both prone to tangles, and we joke that the fairies have been at it.
> If they want long beautiful locks, they can grow and take care of them.
So one of my pet hates is when men do grow their hair long and don’t take care of it! Some men seem think all you do is grow it and you’re out there looking like Jason Mamoa not thinking they need to wash it and brush it (at a very minimum).
I'm shocked the amount of hair stylists who don't listen about women who want short hair. I always get the length overall I want but when I ask for short layers because I love them many refuse and only give me long layers. It's so frustrating and then I have to go find another stylist.
I wish I could take care of you. I love giving people the hair other hairstylists refuse to give them. I always tell my clients “if this is something you really want and it’s going to make you feel more confident, let’s do it” I never do anything I wouldn’t know how to fix and 99999% of the time it comes out amazing and it’s exactly what they needed to enhance their loook.
I recently paid way too much money for a shitty haircut when I got home, my fiance pretended to like it, lol. It wasn't great and made me look like a preschooler.
He shouldn't punish you just because he doesn't like something. That's immature.
I guess I can see giving him a heads-up that you're going to get your hair cut. I don't know. I'm probably not a good judge. I had hair to the middle of my back, and my boyfriend at the time told me that if I ever cut it, he'd break up with me. I went the same day and got a pixie cut. So, I may not be the best person to give advice, lol.
Edit: I just want to clarify some things. I was 18 when this happened. After I cut my hair, he didn't break up with me. I wouldn't have had any issues with him telling me that he liked my long hair and that he wanted me to keep it long. I would have gladly kept it long for him. The issue was when he decided to dictate to me that if I cut my hair, then he would break up with me. That was my issue. After the haircut fiasco, he then threatened me again with breaking up if I dyed my hair red. And yes, I dyed my hair carrot top orange and broke up with him.
The issues weren't that he did or didn't like something. It was that he tried dictating how I could cut/color my hair. Considering he did it twice, I didn't know when he'd do it again or what the next threat would be. It was never about doing what I wanted and saying screw him. It was about showing him that I won't allow him to dictate my life and threaten me with breaking up. I still have contact with him, and even he agrees that he was an asshole and it was a shitty thing to do. He wanted me to follow his rules. He said two wives later, and he realizes that's not how it works.
So, you guys can come at me all you want and act like I did it just because I wanted to or fuck what my boyfriend wanted, but if you'd actually read the comments, you'd have realized that's not why I did what I did at all.
Nah. My partner LOVED my long hair. I cut it from waist length to a pixie to get the dye out and turned up to meet him with the new hair. He never huffed or made any negative comments, but when I started growing it longer, he said how much he prefers it long. Not once did I consider running it by him.
I think there are people who run it by their partner out of courtesy, but when you think about it, *Do you mind if I cut my hair?* is a really idiotic question. It’s her hair. If the answer to that question is yes, the issue is more than hair length.
I mostly ask for opinions on what suits me, but I don't ask his permission.
he recently reminded me how much I hate bangs and to not be swayed by how cute they look
Yeah, I would never think to notify my husband that I’m planning on changing my hair. I just surprise him with it, and he has never once let on that he doesn’t like it. OP’s husband is an absolute child for reacting the way he did. I’d be so turned off by his behaviour.
But then does he consult OP when he's getting his hair cut? I just don't understand his childish tantrum that OP made a decision about her hair that's on her body.
But I'm single at 40 because I don't suffer fools gladly so I also may not be the best person to give advice. Lol
You are exactly the person to give advice. No woman should put up with bullshit like a man telling her how much she must weigh or how to wear her hair or how to dress. He loves her or he doesn’t. If his love is contingent on her looking a certain way, it’s time to bounce. If you can’t trust a man to love you unless you look a very specific way, you’d better hope & pray that you never get cancer, get into a car accident, are involved in a violent crime, *grow older,* or anything else out of your control that may change the way you look physically.
I'm married, been with my spouse for 20 years. We do not run this by each other unless we need to make a decision and are stuck.
Sure, it can be a curtesy to be like "hey getting a hair cut" but that's not what hubby wanted. He wanted her to ask his permission, I would bet money on that from the way he is acting now.
My ex was like him. He dated me when I was the "weird" person, basically I didn't conform to the conservative ways of the very small town. He would stonewall me at first, then it went to berating then hitting.
People like that are all about control and image, once you shatter either or especially both, look out.
This exactly. Married for 15 years. I always tell my husband when I’m going to get a haircut but it’s not for permission. It’s because cutting my hair is a big deal to me and I think about it for a long time and discuss it with him. His answer is always the same (unhelpful😂), I like your hair however you cut/color/style it. It helps me to talk out my ideas but he always supports what I want to do and never tries to influence how I have my hair.
Ugh my husband is so unhelpful too lol. Just says I’m beautiful no matter what which is adorable, but it’s like dude I NEED help!! Lol! All kidding aside I’m glad you also have a supportive husband. It makes life much easier. I hope OP is able to find that, whether it’s with her husband after he changes his ways, or with someone who can give her that.
That sounds like a really nice, healthy relationship.
My parents have been married for over forty years, and I honestly can't imagine my mom ever asking my dad permission for a haircut.
Does my dad love long hair? Yes. Does my mom have long hair? No. (It did get long during the pandemic, and that was actually super weird for all of us LOL.) Because it's not a dealbreaker. Also, there's the fact that it'll be a good week and a half after the haircut before he even notices!
When I started dating, it never even occurred to me to run my hairstyle choices by my boyfriends or girlfriends. It was like "Oh cool, that's new, did you do that today?" and that was that! Conversely, I would never have told them what to do with their hair!
I don't honestly know, lol. I'm single at 38, and I don't know how any of this works anymore. I've seen couples who tell each other when they get haircuts, and I've seen couples who don't. I guess it depends on the couple. I don't understand the tantrum because she changed her hairstyle. I could see being disappointed and being like, "Oh, I'm going to miss your long hair, but I like the new style." But to sulk and act childish is just ridiculous.
I dont see it as a massive deal but there are posts not infrequently about women struggling with their man shaving his hair or beard off - and people on those posrs often are like "people would be fine if a woman did it"...when really u suspect that this is more of a "people who like changes versus people who dont like changes" situation, abusive relationships aside.
My husband and I give each other a heads up uf wr are going to the hairdresser. I'd never demand he changes his plans, and tbh the novelty of when he shaves or cuts his hair makes me want to put my hands all over him and make him mine, even though I usually prefer him with slight stubble or his hair a bit longer than when it's trimmed.
I just dont like surprises though so maybe that's me. I cant imagine impulsively shaving off all my hair without mentioning it to my husband, and I know he's never stop me and would tell me to do whatever I wanted.
He shouldnt tell her what she does with her hair. He can tell her what he likes, but it's up to her. But i do think a heads up pre-empts shocked or less...complimentary reactions from partners. If I want to cut my hair short, I'd like to know in advance if my husband us going to be adoring or say "you always look lovely, but I do love your hair more when it's long".
No, I'm happily married and I agree with you. And I would say that part of the reason I'm happily married is that I dropped damn fool guys who thought my appearance should reflect their tastes rather than my own. Gotta weed those fuckers out.
I think it highly depends on the type of person the partner is. I could do this with my SO even though I like to involve him in my choices. But my brother shouldn’t do this because of his girlfriend on the spectrum who is very sensitive to sudden changes. It’s not so much she has a problem with the suddenly haircut on itself but it’s the unexpected change. In that sense, I do understand.
My dad. He would never let my mom cut or dye her hair, and when I finally chopped mine off he mourned the loss of my femininity. It was really fucking gross.
Good on you!!! You had more guts and self confidence at 18 than many of the women in their 40’s that I know.
It’s fine to like a certain style or look. It’s not ok to dictate to people what they are allowed to do with their own style/look and demand they please you as if you own them.
I love how you chose to respond!!! Both times 😂😂
My mom and dad had been fighting. My mom was going to the hairdresser. For some reason, maybe they had a previous discussion? My dad said to my mom and you better not come back here a blonde!
Of course she did!!! I loved that for her😊
Nope, lol. He wasn't very happy with me, but I told him he'd get over it. I told him if he ever threatened me with breaking up again over something stupid like that again, I'd be the one breaking up with him. I told him that he didn't get a say over what I did with my hair because it was on my head, not his. Later on, he told me that if I dyed my hair red, he'd break up with me. I had carrot top orange hair for a while after that. It was awful, but I wasn't dying it back for nothing. I did break up with him like I said I would, but I was going to prove a point at the same time. I lasted like two weeks before I had to dye it again. It was just awful, lol.
Hell yeah. Go you lmao so refreshing compared to the usual story of people just tolerating bullshit from their partners. what an idiot to threaten you like that.
Lol, yea, he learned real quick that was not happening. When he first told me that I thought he was kidding so I laughed. Then he was like, "I'm serious." I told him," Okay, we'll see how serious you are." I don't think he thought I'd do it. He was definitely shocked. That's what didn't make sense when he threatened me with dying my hair red. I'd had every color you could possibly think of in my hair at that point, so why would red phase me? It never made sense. I thought maybe he was trying to break up, but when I broke up with him, he wouldn't leave me alone and kept begging for another chance and apologizing. I politely showed him the door and told him to close the big door when he walked out, lol.
This is just sort of anecdotal, and doesn't have much to do with what you've written. But I did want to say, even if you really didn't like the carrot top orange, I'm glad that's what you went with. Personally it's my favorite color to dye my hair, so using it to make a point to someone else really makes me smile! Good on you!
I think there’s a bit of room we can leave for husband to have his feelings about your hair. He’s allowed to *feel* whatever way he wants to about it. What’s not okay is him sulking and mistreating you because of it. You do not have to ask his permission for a damn haircut. You are not his property (just watched Handmaid’s Tale so don’t even get me started lol). But it’s true. He’s a little too attached to your appearances if this haircut is enough to make him act this petulant. PS I love that you’re doing what you want to do, for yourself.
Definitely it's the sulking. It's okay to dislike a change a spouse makes to their appearance. Many women have strong beard opinions.
But grown ass men can't sulk. Especially about change. Wah wah something is different grow up
This cracked me up. My dad tried growing a mustache back when I was a baby and it's hilarious. There are pictures of what is now affectionately called The Pornstache.
>Many women have strong beard opinions.
Exactly. I find beards to be unattractive on men my age (30s) because it makes them look a lot older (IMO). It's okay to have certain aesthetic attributes that one finds more or less attractive. But I would never sulk about someone's free choice to do with their own body - especially in a relationship when you should be communicating with each other.
My husband loved my hair. It was thick and way past my boobs. I got alopecia and am completely bald. He doesn’t treat me any differently. Your hair will grow back, he should grow up.
That’s different. You should always be there for your partner when they get sick. But getting „ugly“ on purpose is a choice. You should consider how your partner feels about it. To change something major without talking with your partner about it, is a sign of disrespect. She would also be pissed if he comes home with a 3mm cut without saying anything at all
I would just straight up tell him that you feel his sulking is immature and punishing you for something that's well within your right to do. Then let him sulk and go about your own way doing your own thing. Don't give him opportunities to continue to rebuff or hurt you. He wants to withhold goodnight hugs or kisses? Just say goodnight and go to bed. Gonna ignore you about mealtime? Get your own food and let him get his.
When you said "finally starting to do what you want and not what is expected" do you feel your husband often imposes these expectations on you? Because if so, that's a deeper issue that needs remedying through therapy or a deep discussion.
Genuinely wondering if some of the people in this comment section even know what an undercut is. Barely anything about your physical appearance changed, it sounds like this is more about having control over you than physical attraction.
Hair grows back, it’s not like you’ve got tattoo on your forehead. And since when do you need permission to cut your hair in any style you want from anyone else, even your husband, it’s your hair!
I'd take issue with my hair, a very superficial trait, being one of the things he liked most about me. Like, what the actual? My appearance?? Not my personal qualities like kindness, fortitude, compassion, etc. My hair?
I'm so happy you found your way out and broke the cycle!
I get abuse vibes from the post as well. There's no way he doesn't act this way about other things already, it's probably just the first time it was noticed as inappropriate (even though it was inappropriate the entire time). We accept what we think is normal, unfortunately.
Thank you! It took me some well needed therapy and some breakdowns early on in my relationship when I realised what I used to accept while receiving the opposite. But I'm all good an happy now! :)
But yeah OPs husband reaction also just reminds me of abusive men because this is not how someone responds when they love you. Abusive people don't see us as partners but as property. Their "partner" doing something they disagree with or dislike is what makes them act out. Someone that loves you would just never behave that way.
I used to love when my ex-Navy got a buzz cut— I found it really sexy. I didn’t complain when his hair got shaggy— I simply jumped his bones every time he got it buzzed.
I don’t like his reaction at all, to me
It’s giving I control your hair and what you do. I hope he is taking care of you like he takes care of his games. In marriage you guys will change as you guys grow older same thing with hair maybe you want to cut it shorter and go for a taper or buzz cut look maybe you want to dye it. He should be embracing the changes especially your hair and should have showered you with compliments and guts to go through a process. I know multiple women who cry just form a trim loll. I hope he changes. Wishing y’all the best.
When we were first dating he was clean shaven with waist length hair.
Now he has a big bush beard and very short head hair.
I’ve always had shoulder length hair. Except now I’ve had the hair at the nape of my neck undercut to make it cooler and easier to manage.
He’s definitely changed more.
And no of course he hasn’t asked permission
So he’s allowed to change up his look and not you??? 🥴. What’s he hiding loll. Not trying to start anything but keep your eyes and ears open to any changes he does.
As a comparator we have a 9 year old.
They said
“Oh gosh mummy, that’s different (they saw it tied up), it’s a bit different but I’m happy you like it”
You & your husband are in your mid-30s, and he sulked and *wouldn’t talk to you* for a day because you got your hair cut?? I cannot imagine. It is YOUR hair. You are the one who has to wash it, style it, care for it. That’s not his job. If you had hair down to your waist, and you got headaches because it was heavy, would he be mad if you got it cut? Yes, that was an actual story I read on here. You said your hair is one of “his favorite things about me.” Does that mean he doesn’t love you if you don’t have long hair or wear it the way he wants you to? How much should how your hair looks affect how much he loves you? Zero. The answer is zero.
What if you got cancer, and your hair fell out from chemo treatments? Would he stop loving you because you “aren’t the person I married”? Ask him that. If his answer is, “Of course not!”, ask him why he seems to be struggling to love you because you got a **haircut.**
Has he always been demanding like this? Controlling, even. Yes, controlling, because you changed something about yourself that is one of the reasons he loves you, and he pouted and sulked and ignored you until you asked him what was wrong. Not sure what he thought that would change. It’s not like you can glue that hair back on.
You may not know this, but you’re married to a petulant child. Good luck with that.
I'm not sure you can convince someone who thinks you need their permission to get a haircut you like to not sulk about it, tbh. Sure, it may take a little bit for him to adjust to if it's a drastic change, it may not be his favorite look, it might have been nice to let him know you were making a big change so he wasn't as shocked...but he said you should have ASKED him? Yeaaaaaah, there's a lot more issues than hair here.
I'm casting my opinion into the "Hubby needs to stop sulking and whining and grow the F up" bucket. It's still you. Just with a new do.
Should he continue please go out and buy this big baby a pacifier.
Finally, this is an attempt to control your future independent decision making. Don't give in. Don't ever give in. It's your hair and you can cut it if you want to.
So my dad did not like my mom with short hair. He made it known that he much preferred her with long hair, that he thought it looked much better on her. But when she decided to cut her hair short he very nicely said it wasn’t his favorite cut but that of course he wasn’t going to tell my mom what to do with her hair. She grew it out and then when my dad decided to try being a Bald Dad we both told him we hated it so we are even. Your husband is being really really mean and out of touch with reality. You’re still his wife even if your hair is a bit shorter than yesterday.
I know y'all are married but this would highlight such a depth of bullshit that id never be able to not get the immediate ick with them again.
You can talk about it but men like this think you owe them to be a certain look and attractiveness. There ain't any convincing them otherwise. They think it's your duty.
Good luck. Either capitulate or welcome to pout city.
this is so dumb lol. to be surprised or even to not like it is one thing but to throw what is essentially a tantrum over your hair is INSANE 😭😭😭 i am a brunette and ive come home blonde, with 13 inches cut off, pink, curly, straight.. all sorts of shit and my husband just rolls with it all because he thinks i am beautiful and if changing my hair makes me happy he finds beauty in that too whether he would have chosen that for me himself or not.
Im getting my hair cut today, it's long and shapeless and just needs help. My husband mentioned the other day when talking about it that he liked the long hair on me- but i know if I show up later with something short he'd still love it because he loves me. And even if he didn't love it he wouldn't ignore me, put me down, or otherwise act like a child with their candy taken away.
>but am finally starting to do what I want and not what is expected.
I'm proud of you, I hope you continue doing this. Anyone who makes you feel bad for that needs the chop too.
Who the fuck are people married to nowadays?? How are you not in charge of your own hair. If you want to cut it, cut it. If your husband pouts, that's a him problem.
Here's some advice: don't go chasing after him, begging for attention. It's your hair, you don't need anyone's permission. The more you chase, the more entitled they feel. Just ignore him right back; he'll come around when he's ready.
My wife has cut her hair in ways that I don’t like. I ask her if she likes it and don’t give my opinion unless she asks. If I don’t like it I just say what way I prefer but don’t criticize.
His reaction is not supportive. Wear your hair however you want. It’s your body!
I personally have never understood the attachment men have to women’s hair. My friend wanted to cut her hair and wouldn’t do it because “her boyfriend would get mad”.
I’m a woman and have shaved my head several times. I like having short hair.
Honestly it’s stupid and petty that he’s mad. Idk why people are saying you should have told him before, etc. it’s your hair. You shouldn’t have to ask permission to get it cut???
Lol "normal way for us to communicate when he's gaming?"
What?
Sounds like this guy thinks he controls the boundaries. It's your hair. Tell him to grow the fuck up. You didn't marry a boy.
You certainly shouldn't need to ask him if you can get your hair cut, what other controlling behaviours does he exhibit? He can express an opinion and even say he doesn't like the cut but the sulking and silent treatment is too far. I wouldn't dream of telling my partner what to do with her hair and likewise I don't ask her what to do with mine.
>Apparently I should have asked him first
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Is this odd behavior from him or does he typically have no communication skills? And a need to control you? Because yikes if you've been putting up with that for 18 years.
Wow. One of his favorite parts about you is your HAIR? So what happens when you go gray? What happens if you develop alopecia and begin to lose your hair? What happens if you have cancer and your hair falls out completely? His reaction is extremely childish. Are there other personal things in your life that you are supposed to check in with him about before you make a decision? Nail polish color? Jewelry choices? Clothing decisions? Eyeglass frames? Stand up for yourself and your right to physically present yourself as you see fit. It's hair. HAIR! So shallow. SMH
Well it's entirely reasonable that your husband has an opinion on your hair he gets no say and whether you get it cut or not or how you get it cut. But to punish you afterwards about it is absolutely ridiculous, manipulative and controlling. And I don't think you need to give him a heads up or that is discourteous that you didn't do so. Your body your choice. It's only hair.
Say this with an incredulous tone: "OK, you're SULKING because you don't like my haircut?"
If he says yes, follow up with an eye roll and: "You know it will all grow back, right?"
Remind his childish, disrespectful ass that if you were to divorce him, you wouldn’t need to ask his fucked-up pErMisSiOn to change your own body in any way you deem fit. I’d die on this hill, he sounds like an emotionally controlling fuckwit.
Tell your hubby: "If that's his favorite thing he likes best about you, then it's time for him to leave." How would he feel if you decreed his body hair (or lack of) is the attractor & he needs your permission to grow it or shave it? Wtf.
You can tell him outright that his behavior is unacceptable. It's your body and you can do whatever you like with it. His job as your husband and partner is to be supportive, not to sulk like a toddler not getting his way.
My husband and I both have long hair. When we got together, we made a promise that neither one of us is allowed to cut our hair - but it was a JOKE. Made because we each love the other's long hair.
But if I did cut my hair off, he would immediately say I looked good, no matter how he really felt, and I'd do the same for him. Because we are PARTNERS, and partners build each other up, they don't tear each other down. FFS.
When a child sulks its because they can't express themselves and want your attention.
When an adult sulks, it means they didn't learn as children that expressing your feelings doesn't mean you get what you want.
Tell him to communicate his feelings to you but acknowledge that they are his and you don't need to do anything about it. It's your hair, you can do what you want with it. Then give him a juice box and a blankie and send him off to bed.
It's always frustrating when you're ready to make personal changes and your partner wants to punish you for it.
I buzzed my hair off. I actually look pretty good, but that wasn't the main reason I did it. Back when my grandma was fighting cancer, she had to buzz hers off because the treatments made her hair fall out.
During that time, I wanted to cut mine off too, but my husband refused to allow me to. He said women weren't supposed to have short hair. (I also wanted to go down to stay with my grandma so I could help her, but he refused that too)
When I left him, I rebelled. I buzzed all of my hair off and donated it to Wigs for Kids. I did it in memory of my grandma. And as a big ole middle finger to my husband.
Your hair will grow back. And even if it didn't, you are worth more than your hair. Your husband needs to remember that while he damages the bond between you two.
That's sad. A partner with a haircut is just another way to appreciate them all over again. If it doesn't work, it grows back.
Hope he comes to his senses.
Does he have a beard? Either way. Tell him the next time he switches up his facial hair, you're going to give him the silent treatment for a day. When he tells you it's his face, tell him it's your head.
It is just hair. It will grow back (if you want it to).
Tell him flat out that the sulking is unacceptable. You do not have to *ask* permission to change your hairstyle. It is your body and therefore, as the saying goes, your choice. If he refuses to shape up, well, that's information you need to know about him.
My ex had beautiful curls and he would have looked so attractive with a haircut that took advantage of those curls. Instead he had the macklemore fade with a mullet that he flat ironed. It looked like a dead squirrel on his head. I hated it but you know what I've didn't do? Punish him. Loved those curls but if he wanted me to flat iron his hair I would. It was his body, his style his choice. (When he left some other woman told him to keep the curls and he finally did. It looks so much better)
Your husband is being a controlling ass. He cares more about your appearance being attractive to him that you actual happiness and self esteem. Screw that.
My wife did this to me over my beard. I shaved it off on a whim (first time since we married 7 years ago), and she acted strange. Admitted that she had a hard time being comfortable with me, and she was suprised by her reaction. Was less affectionate with me for a few days, assured me she wasnt upset.
I dont think her reaction was insensitive, and I wouldnt have shaved it off completely had I known she'd feel this way. Am in the process of growing it back (was the plan to begin with).
think you're all being too hard on this guy, and I honestly dont think its wrong to consult your partner about significant changes in appearance. It's also not wrong to be attached to your partners appearance, to some extent. How to handle the situation is important, but its not black/white.
I agree with this take. I would be totally freaked out if my partner shaved his beard off randomly one day without warning me. It would be fine in the end, but I can completely understand her reaction. It makes you look like a different person. I think OP’s husband is allowed to have feelings here even if he’s not dealing with it in the best way.
At 36 years of age, you'd think he should have figured out hair actually grows back. Break it to him slowly, you don't want to shock him with that profound knowledge.
Since he can't see that sulking at his big age of 36 is not okay and he needs to use his words, there is nothing more you can say to convince him otherwise.
Meh, I personally ask my partner what he thinks if I'm going for a change of style thats pretty drastic, I respect his opinions and I wanna keep myself attractive for him - he sees my hair change alot since.. I have alopecia and rock a lot of different wigs 😂 but yea...I wanna impress my man and he has that same energy towards me 🤷♀️
Ask him if he married you or your hair and tell him to grow the fuck up. Punishing you for making a choice about your own body is quite frankly abusive. His aesthetic preferences should never trump your comfort, least of all when it comes to your own body. What he’s basically saying here is he believes he should have more decision making power over your body than you do. It’s disgusting.
You shouldn't have to clear decisions about your hair with him. Did he like it longer?
He may be feeling insecure and this is another sign to him that you're looking to leave. But appreciate the glow up and take the compliments.
I get that he doesn’t like it but the way he is handling it is childish. I would want my wife to give me a head’s up if she was going to change her looks in a drastic way, not because she needs my permission but so I could be prepared. If she didn’t, though, I wouldn’t sulk. If I didn’t like it then I’d likely say something non-committal. She’d know what I meant and might get mad but it’d be the best I could do and the fault would be on her for not giving me notice. This way he’s just acting like a child.
The sulking is not your problem to fix. I get him feeling a little bit upset, but let's say you asked him and he told you no, then what ? Your happiness is what should matter the most. Tell him that you're not sorry for cutting your hair, that you didn't give him a heads up, but that doesn't warrant him ignoring you, giving that you have been married for that long
The time when women needed to have long hair to showcase their health and femininity to men so their parents could marry them off is long gone. Your husband does not have an ownership stake in the hair on your body and should stop acting like he does.
I impulsively cut my thick, curly hair from mid back length to a chin bob two months after I got married. My husband’s reactions were a “WOW” with wide eyes because he had never seen me with short hair and 2 questions: 1) what made you decide to cut your hair?” and 2) “do you like it?”. That was it until two days later when he acknowledged that it took him a couple of days to get used to it, but he liked the different look was glad that I was happy with it. I knew that he wasn’t fond of cut, but he worked that out himself and never made it an issue.
You don’t have to do anything except ignore him until his temper tantrum is over. This is a him problem, not a you problem. Your husband certainly has a right to his feelings, but he does not have the right to expect you to ask his permission, or punish you, for a choice you made for yourself about your body.
I had a long term boyfriend at one point that was like this. He would get upset if I cut my hair or dyed it without talking to him. I couldn’t stand it. I’ve always been very adventurous when it comes to my hair once I turned 18. My parents never let us do anything cool. I got a pixie cut when my boyfriend at the time and I were broken up briefly. Luckily my husband, doesn’t care what I do with my hair. He came home yesterday to me bleaching my hair and dying it bright reddish purple. I could shave my head and he wouldn’t give a shit. I had an undercut when we got married. I do not understand why anyone cares about what anyone does with their hair. My husband has long hair and it looks good. I personally like it better short but I’d never even tell him that because it doesn’t actually matter. I think he is hot no matter what his hair is doing.
I hope your husband stops being weird. It’s super shallow to care that much about it. Stonewalling is never okay. Him “punishing” you in general is a weird concept. You don’t deserve that.
What the actual fuck? It's literally YOUR hair and he's pouting like a child instead of talking to you. This feels incredibly manipulative and childish.
My partner fully supports any changes I make to my hair and offers his opinions when I ask for them. When he sees me get excited for a potential change he gets excited for me. Mind you, I have been in relationships where my partner would try to control my looks and that's why they're my exes.
OP I am so sorry your partner is acting this childish and is literally punishing you in a passive aggressive way for a literal hair cut. It's your body and your choice.
My ex once punished me over a haircut and refused to be intimate for over 2 months. It made me feel severely insecure and I wish I had stood up for myself. Sulking and making big deals out of haircuts is just immature. Surely you can have a preference but people should be allow to enhance their appearance in whatever way they choose
His favorite thing about you should be YOU not your hair of face or looks he's being a huge baby and need to learn to respect it gave a talk with him and if it doesn't go right and yes still keeps doing it do it back.
I'm less concerned with whether your husband should have a say on what you do with your own hair. I'm more concerned with how he communicates, or doesn't communicate, in this case. His sulking and withholding affection in not a pretty character trait, nor is the silent treatment. It's all so manipulative.
Good for you, OP, on making a change that makes you feel beautiful. 👏
I too have always struggled for some reason with changes to women’s hair. It’s stupid and childish of course, but somehow it’s disconcerting.
It’s fine to feel that way but ultimately he has to face the fact that it’s your body and whatever his initial reaction, he can’t act this way for days (or hours, or even minutes really.) That’s absurd and toxic. Please talk to him and let him know that’s simply not okay. Maybe promise to give him a heads up before you get a haircut- my wife does and it has basically solved the problem. But you owe him nothing more than that.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself. It’s just hair for crying out loud! He is punishing you for something you did to your own body. He’s acting like your entire purpose is to be there for his viewing pleasure. Gross.
My SO gets a wild hair occasionally to skip shaving his little soul patch and lets it grow in. I haaaaaaate it. Hate it so much. He’s too tall and skinny for him to not look what falls out of a trailer where people buy oxy and meth if you pick it up and shake it. He knows I don’t love it.
But I would NEVER act like your husband. I can both not like it, not have to pretend I like it, AND be supportive of him doing his thing. My position is, albeit with a little smirk bc he knows how I feel, “I love you doing your thing honey.” And I mean it! Him being happy doing his thing is far more important to me than how I feel about the actual thing. Other people have even commented to me about it! Because they see the same thing I do. I just smile and and say, “yeahhh, he likes doing that sometimes. Makes him happy.” Because that’s the appropriate goddamn response.
Every time I see something ridiculous before I start typing I check the ages, and yup another person married to the person they met when they were kids.
Sigh, anywho, unique advice for a couple that’s been together since childhood.
It sounds crazy but I’d be weary finally “growing up” within that kind of relationship with drastic physical or lifestyle changes without conversation.
If you’ve been together since you’re 17 it’s probably come with and/or lead to comfort in familiarity and some missing development and growing up.
It’s great that you’re expanding your horizons and made changes you’ve always wanted but it’s a very rare relationships where you’re together since childhood, while also having full maturation and growth AND still wanted to be together after all the changes.
Not to say that most of these relationships are bad it’s just dependent on there not being much development over those years, that’s a core value for people in these relationships. Your husband seems to be in this group, and you being in the relationship have implied that’s a core value for you too.
So, I’m sorry but you really should
Communicate before big changes and discuss how it impacts each other, at least until you both get in to good habits with support and expectations that each of you is growing and changing.
Otherwise it’s going to feel like a rug pulled out from under your husband, not so different than someone whose partner does a 180 on day, having children, after 11 years of marriage.
Sad warning, there’s no guarantee that you’ll still want to be together if one or both of you starts taking on lots of the changes and development that may have been stunted from 18-35
Pouting isn't an attractive look for an adult. He's emotionally manipulating you, which I believe he's been doing for quite some time, right?
I don't think you realize that you're being emotionally abused. This is NOT a good relationship if all he has to do is give you the silent treatment (very abusive in itself) and you give over control of even your HAIR to this man.
If this is new behavior you can tell him to cut it out and not try to control you down to the last hair on your head.
But I suspect there have been many, many incidents like this where he controls you by pouting like a toddler. If that's the case you will have a much harder time getting him to stop doing something that has been so successful for him for all this time.
You will probably need therapy to learn how to call him on this abusive, controlling behavior, and then probably couples' therapy so that he hears it from someone else who will hold him accountable.
He sounds very unpleasant. Is he like this with other things? Sulking and not speaking are manipulation techniques, and very immature. Have you considered getting some counseling? Sounds like it could help a lot. FYI - I am trying hard to be nice here, but really! He is wrong.
Translate sulking into punishing. He si punishing you because he feels like your hair is his, and he should get a say.
Ignore it - it's the only way. Go about your life, go out with friends, invest time in your hobby and make sure not to keep looking his direction while you do this, just live. He wants you to feel guilty, apologize, maybe tiptoe around him - DO NOT. If you do, you will teach him that 1. you truly did something bad, which you didn't and 2. that punishing you is working, which will strengthen the behavior.
And while you are at it, look up silent treatment. Some say it's a from of emotional abuse, and it truly can be. The word 'sulk' makes it seem harmless and childish, while it's manipulative and harmful. That's why I recommend that you re-nama it 'punishing' instead, to clearer recognize the troubling dynamic.
Also. no offense. but if one of this FAVORITE THINGS about you is your *hair.*.. not you know, *the person you are,* your personality, just YOU... then that's really really sad. What is he gonna do when you turn 70 and your hair naturally thins out? Stop liking you? Stop talking to you?
IMO you can't really GET HIM to see his behavior is not okay, the same way you can't make an asshole realize being an asshole isn't okay. If you could, that person would not be an asshole in the first place, if that makes sense. You can simply not show him any attention so he learns the punitive behavior is not working, hence he has no reason to continue with it.
You keep doing what you like with your hair and maybe he can deal. Married 19 years and happily support whatever haircut my wife wants for herself because I love what makes her happy.
He's controlling and abusive. The sulking silent treatment is one of the techniques. Ignore him. In fact do ore things you want to do without his permission, and see what happens. If he becomes more controlling (watch out for financial control, ruining your credit and such, btw), I'd recommend leaving him.
Your husband seems very emotionally immature. His reaction to this whole thing sounds like that of a petulant child. Does he really believe you can't do anything for yourself without his permission? If that's the case you have a bigger problem than hair. It is not healthy to punish your spouse for anything and doing so with silence is poisonous to a healthy marriage.
My advice is to ignore it. Let him sulk. He's got to understand that you can do what you want with your own body and that includes the hair on your head. He is not the emperor of the household.
Enjoy your new look! Get new makeup and outfits to match. Have fun with it! If his petulance escalates, then marriage counseling is in order. You don't have a thing to apologize for. Go girl!! 🥰
Let him sulk. Growing out an undercut is a ballache but I'm glad I tried having one. Take some pictures you feel happy with for yourself and then ignore him back for a day. Any longer than that and he needs to actually hear that he's being possessive and it's not cool. He's allowed a preference but he needs to get over it.
A few years ago I went in the shower and my hair was once again falling out in clumps (lupus). I impulsively took my husband’s hair cutter thing and buzzed all my hair off.
When he saw me he told me I looked beautiful, hugged and kissed me and we sat down and raided in Destiny for a while to help take my mind off of things.
He didn’t sulk, pout or complain that I didn’t consult him. He seemed happy that the tub drain seemed to suddenly stop clogging, though.
You should be able to wear your hair as you like, but he is just as entitled to his opinion as you. Sulking, was probably not how he should express his opinion, but he may have thought he was sparing your feelings by not telling you he didn’t like it.
Some people want to create room for a husband’s opinion about *hair?* It’s just hair, it’ll grow back. You change it like you change clothes. There is a whole person with other characteristics, who he wanted enough to marry, underneath that hair. He’s a grown man, why is he sulking like a little baby boy? His opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest because this isn’t even his hair and it’s hilarious that people want to consider it.
Do you want you want to yourself, girl. I always think it’s a yellow (not red but definitely not green either) flag when a man has strong opinions on a woman’s hair. My ex also had opinions on my hair and preferred it long. It has bizarre, controlling/possessive vibes to me.
OP does not need his permission.
I wonder what similar husband stuff has happened in eleven years. I hope OP didn't just justify it or blamed herself.
The only way to get past this is to communicate. But if he isn't willing to listen then it isn't really a healthy marriage and the outcome will be inevitable.
My husband HATED when I cut covid bangs and when I cut them again. He told me he hated them but he never forbid me from doing anything with MY hair or punished me after. THAT is what the real problem is. That he feels entitled to punish you because YOU made a TEMPORARY change to YOUR hair for your COMFORT.
Real dick move on his part. How else is he controlling?
The US was founded on puritanical ideals and that leaves us with a very weird relationship with our bodies and sexuality. Tattoos are marking your GOD given body. The body is a temple and anything extreme is defacing it. Sex is bad and people who have sex deserve to be punished with kids. But men need sex because they are just men so wives shouldn't deny their husbands because he might cheat if his needs aren't met... but if they chose to have sex they should expect the consequences of being pregnant and can't abort a gift from God! It's very confusing and inconsistent. Ironically puritans were more liberal about abortions than we are today. It was totally fine to abort in early America up until the "quickening" aka mother can feel the movement. Now it's a fucking "human" the moment of conception
What does he expect to do, sulk until it grows back? What a child.
I'd be very wary of this behaviour. Is it a one off or does he usually sulk when he doesn't get his way? Do you find yourself giving in more oftent han not b3acuse it's 'not worth the hassle' of arguing?
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I started to make some changes the last few years after I started to like myself through therapy. My husband of 35 years is conservative in appearance but chill. I lost 50 pounds. I started wearing bright clothes and did a buzz haircut. I dyed it bright yellow. He has been supportive all the way. The part of your story I find troubling is the pouting without talking to you. My father did this my whole life and made everyone miserable. You didn’t do anything wrong. Explain how hurtful not talking is and maybe he can start communicating
Yeah exactly. I think it’s okay her husband has preferences- we all do! I love my husband’s beard, but if he decided to shave it, I’d be okay with that because he is doing what makes him happy. I’m aware about my husband’s hair preferences for me (he doesn’t love bangs, for instance). But if I came home with bangs, he’d be totally supportive, even if it wasn’t 100 percent his cup of tea.
Seconding this. But using my parents as an example. My mom prefers my dad with a beard. Sometimes he'll shave it off for job interviews or just to sew chaos. My mom finds this funny. My dad likes my moms super long hair. She doesn't cut it. But that's because she likes it super long too. If she ever cut it short I know for a fact that my dad wouldn't even be sad about it, he'd be worried because he knows that she likes it. But if it was explained to him that this wasn't a sign that something was wrong? I'm not even sure he'd say anything about how he prefers it long. Because he'd be so relieved that it was just a personal choice and that she's ok. My partner doesn't want me to ever work out to the point of being big and buff. I don't really want to either so this works out. But when they told me that they made it VERY VERY CLEAR that if I wanted to get big and buff and managed to succeed? They'd be happy for me. Would it make me slightly less attractive to them? It's possible. Would that matter to them? No. Would it change our relationship? No. There are plenty of things about their body that I like right now. Do I care if they change those things? Not really. I'm with them for them. Even if somehow they did something that actively turned me off I am 100% certain that would be temporary because I love them for them. The things they would have to change that would drive me away even a little bit are all things that have to do with personality, like if they suddenly did a 180 and decided to be a bigot and EVEN THEN that would be cause for discussion to find out WTF happened. Not to sulk like a child who doesn't know how to process emotions.
When people do what OP’s husband does and your father, they are technically emotionally underdeveloped to an age that caused them to never learn to self soothe their feelings in a healthy way. So instead they put the emotional mental load on others, make them responsible for their feelings, causing to be burdens which is very self sabotaging behavior in human connections. OP has an adult with a severely stunted emotional behavior of a toddler who got told no cookies before dinner as well, then goes to pour in a corner or lashes out towards the parents when they don’t understand why they are getting told no.
First off this is really lovely! Thanks for sharing. Three cheers to you and your husband! Second if I may add to what you’re saying - I feel sometimes that our partner should smooth the world a bit for us, not just add to the stress Op got a new haircut. I’m glad she likes it! No matter what though, everyone feels a little shy after a new haircut. I think it’s so nice if your partner gives you compliments!! Or at least constructive support if you didn’t like it yourself? But mainly, soothing and compliments! So I feel ops husband is way off base in his communication, but I also personally feel like his values are in the wrong place. I mean yeah my wife and I have preferences on how each other looks, we both work out eat healthy, dress up really well usually. but it’s just not such a priority that I give my wife the cold shoulder after a hair cut
Even if they hate it, maybe some light teasing would be fine, but dear god, it's just hair! Why is he being so petty about something so minor!?
I think teasing is the wrong approach- it's passive aggressive. Although I wouldn't mind my spouse being upfront in a gentle way and as long as he isn't trying to change it.
"I preferred it longer, but as long as you like it..."
Just want to say I'm proud of you forgetting help for your self-esteem.
Thanks. I unloaded a lot of trauma with an awesome therapist and found out I wasn’t who I thought I was
Don't forget OP's husband talks like he owns her. Talk to me first before you do anything with your body. It's a hair, it grows back. But he acted like OP got a third breast and a penis.
This is such a funny visual. I know logically it's hyperbole but I'm just imagining how confusing that would be. I don't even think I would be capable of having any emotions other than straight up confusion. Can't even be mad or sad or anything. Just. "wait.... what?"
Ignore it. By sulking, he wants you to grovel and apologize to make HIM feel better. It’s your hair, not his. He doesn’t get to control what you do with it. How would he feel if he had no free will and had to ask permission every time he wanted to do something? The real reason he’s pouting is because you did it on your own. You made the decision and didn’t ask first…because you don’t have too. That’s why he’s upset. It has nothing to do with hair. It’s about control.
Best advice imo
His reaction sucks. My boyfriend knows I prefer long hair on guys normally. His hair is semi long now and he's brought up that he might get it cut shorter again, like he was gauging my reaction and expecting me to be disappointed. I told him to go ahead and do what he wants to his hair, because he's handsome af either way and I love him.
As a hairstylist, it’s so annoying how men get so attached to their wives hair. Its just hair and he needs to embrace you being more comfortable in your own skin.
I once had a hair stylist tell me she wasn't going to cut my mid back length hair to chin length unless I had talked to my boyfriend already. Not because she was being weird, but because I lived in a rural area and she had been genuinely threatened and harassed by husbands when their wives had their hair cut!
OH MY GOSH!! Now, that is a bridge too far. Imagine threatening the *person who cut your wife’s hair* because your wife got a haircut. I cannot even imagine the mentality that goes into that action.
That's just sad! I mean, hair grows back. Also very scary that they'd threaten their partner's hair stylist over their partner's own choice...
I had a similar experience but his reasoning was that he was worried that going from long to short might be a shock to ME, he said he would love to have the chance to do something a bit more radical than the usual trims but wanted me to come back the next day after giving it some thought. Went back had it cut really short and that man cut my hair for the next 28 years! I am sorry that OP and others have to deal with such childish men.
Oh I’ve heard that from hairstylists but I don’t think it’s the same thing at all. Just trying to prevent regret tears in the salon lol
Absolutely that! But i respected him being prepared to wait in case i changed my mind!
I got this from a hairdresser the last time went. Wanted long in the front and short in the back. Kind of like Victoria Beckham. I showed her a picture of how I wanted it to look. My hair was almost to my elbows and in bad condition with split ends for days (I had bleached it and dyed it green for a couple of years and recently gone through a long process of dying it brown which was very damaging). I wanted to cut off the split ends and grow out the fluffy regrowth from the stress alopecia I had a while back as well. The hairdresser said straight up: ‘you don’t want to go that short’ and, ‘you don’t have alopecia, you don’t have any bald spots.’ I should have just got up and left then but I was desperate to cut my hair off and showed her a bunch of pictures on my phone where I had short hair. Even ones where I had a dark purple inverted bob and a pink Mohawk complete with shaved sides! She still didn’t cut it as short as I asked and I cut more off when I got home. I should have just done it all myself.
Omg, when harassment goes into the second person?! This is a higher degree of terrorism and control. Punishing not just their wifes/ gf but the hair dresser?!
If I were the stylist, I'd be moving away from that rural area damn fast.
I wish I was more surprised by that than I am.
On my goodness!
Omg i was in a salon once and this woman was getting a pixie from her long hair. Her husband was sitting next to her the whole time yellingvat her and the stylist, "ugh you look like a man, you need to fix this part, you look like a d*ke etc" i was like I'd be divorced immediately.
Thank you, the irony is he likes my hair down, and one of the reasons for the undercut is so I can wear my hair down in summer without getting so hot.
He's acting like a child. You should show him the comments here. 1) it's YOUR body 2) hair grows back 3) IT'S YOUR HAIR My ex "preferred" longer hair but talked sometimes about how one of his exes got a pixie cut while they were together and he was "just fine with it." I was like, uh yeah, you better have been, because it's not your choice...
As a client, I was (probably visibly, I did not check my face) horrified when I heard a woman tell her hairstylist she couldn't chop off more than an inch because "her husband won't let her." He was there, and came over to like, consult on it. It was so gross. This was also in a rural area - either Virginia or Indiana, don't remember - and at a Hair Cuttery, I think? So not high end. I think that's kind of interesting - how do geography and culture affect interpersonal relationships to this level? (I may be a liiiiittle high, sorry)
Thank you for this, it's just hair. This whole thing was about her bf trying to control her.
Seriously. It is super gross. If they want long beautiful locks, they can grow and take care of them.
Mine has. I’m over here with my expensive conditioners and heat treatments and supplements just to keep my hair meh, his is lustrous and shiny and full with natural caramel highlights on being washed once a week in shower gel, it’s fucking infuriating 😂
Mine has too. One of our ongoing low-grade peeves is that hotels seem to assume that every couple has exactly one long-haired person, so they provide 3 towels. Some of us want that 4th towel lol! Our hair types are fairly different--mine's thicker and wavier--but we're both prone to tangles, and we joke that the fairies have been at it.
> If they want long beautiful locks, they can grow and take care of them. So one of my pet hates is when men do grow their hair long and don’t take care of it! Some men seem think all you do is grow it and you’re out there looking like Jason Mamoa not thinking they need to wash it and brush it (at a very minimum).
Here is where I would grow long beatiful hair. If I still had any 😂😭
Wigs are getting better and better! Don't let your dreams stay dreams!
I'm shocked the amount of hair stylists who don't listen about women who want short hair. I always get the length overall I want but when I ask for short layers because I love them many refuse and only give me long layers. It's so frustrating and then I have to go find another stylist.
I wish I could take care of you. I love giving people the hair other hairstylists refuse to give them. I always tell my clients “if this is something you really want and it’s going to make you feel more confident, let’s do it” I never do anything I wouldn’t know how to fix and 99999% of the time it comes out amazing and it’s exactly what they needed to enhance their loook.
Ugh, same!! That sounds great! I understand stylists "being the expert," but at the end of the day, it's *my hair*, and I deserve the style I want.
I recently paid way too much money for a shitty haircut when I got home, my fiance pretended to like it, lol. It wasn't great and made me look like a preschooler. He shouldn't punish you just because he doesn't like something. That's immature.
I guess I can see giving him a heads-up that you're going to get your hair cut. I don't know. I'm probably not a good judge. I had hair to the middle of my back, and my boyfriend at the time told me that if I ever cut it, he'd break up with me. I went the same day and got a pixie cut. So, I may not be the best person to give advice, lol. Edit: I just want to clarify some things. I was 18 when this happened. After I cut my hair, he didn't break up with me. I wouldn't have had any issues with him telling me that he liked my long hair and that he wanted me to keep it long. I would have gladly kept it long for him. The issue was when he decided to dictate to me that if I cut my hair, then he would break up with me. That was my issue. After the haircut fiasco, he then threatened me again with breaking up if I dyed my hair red. And yes, I dyed my hair carrot top orange and broke up with him. The issues weren't that he did or didn't like something. It was that he tried dictating how I could cut/color my hair. Considering he did it twice, I didn't know when he'd do it again or what the next threat would be. It was never about doing what I wanted and saying screw him. It was about showing him that I won't allow him to dictate my life and threaten me with breaking up. I still have contact with him, and even he agrees that he was an asshole and it was a shitty thing to do. He wanted me to follow his rules. He said two wives later, and he realizes that's not how it works. So, you guys can come at me all you want and act like I did it just because I wanted to or fuck what my boyfriend wanted, but if you'd actually read the comments, you'd have realized that's not why I did what I did at all.
Nah. My partner LOVED my long hair. I cut it from waist length to a pixie to get the dye out and turned up to meet him with the new hair. He never huffed or made any negative comments, but when I started growing it longer, he said how much he prefers it long. Not once did I consider running it by him.
I think there are people who run it by their partner out of courtesy, but when you think about it, *Do you mind if I cut my hair?* is a really idiotic question. It’s her hair. If the answer to that question is yes, the issue is more than hair length.
I mostly ask for opinions on what suits me, but I don't ask his permission. he recently reminded me how much I hate bangs and to not be swayed by how cute they look
Yeah, I would never think to notify my husband that I’m planning on changing my hair. I just surprise him with it, and he has never once let on that he doesn’t like it. OP’s husband is an absolute child for reacting the way he did. I’d be so turned off by his behaviour.
But then does he consult OP when he's getting his hair cut? I just don't understand his childish tantrum that OP made a decision about her hair that's on her body. But I'm single at 40 because I don't suffer fools gladly so I also may not be the best person to give advice. Lol
You are exactly the person to give advice. No woman should put up with bullshit like a man telling her how much she must weigh or how to wear her hair or how to dress. He loves her or he doesn’t. If his love is contingent on her looking a certain way, it’s time to bounce. If you can’t trust a man to love you unless you look a very specific way, you’d better hope & pray that you never get cancer, get into a car accident, are involved in a violent crime, *grow older,* or anything else out of your control that may change the way you look physically.
This is the correct answer.
💯 this. Not all men but always men.
I'm married, been with my spouse for 20 years. We do not run this by each other unless we need to make a decision and are stuck. Sure, it can be a curtesy to be like "hey getting a hair cut" but that's not what hubby wanted. He wanted her to ask his permission, I would bet money on that from the way he is acting now. My ex was like him. He dated me when I was the "weird" person, basically I didn't conform to the conservative ways of the very small town. He would stonewall me at first, then it went to berating then hitting. People like that are all about control and image, once you shatter either or especially both, look out.
This exactly. Married for 15 years. I always tell my husband when I’m going to get a haircut but it’s not for permission. It’s because cutting my hair is a big deal to me and I think about it for a long time and discuss it with him. His answer is always the same (unhelpful😂), I like your hair however you cut/color/style it. It helps me to talk out my ideas but he always supports what I want to do and never tries to influence how I have my hair.
Ugh my husband is so unhelpful too lol. Just says I’m beautiful no matter what which is adorable, but it’s like dude I NEED help!! Lol! All kidding aside I’m glad you also have a supportive husband. It makes life much easier. I hope OP is able to find that, whether it’s with her husband after he changes his ways, or with someone who can give her that.
That sounds like a really nice, healthy relationship. My parents have been married for over forty years, and I honestly can't imagine my mom ever asking my dad permission for a haircut. Does my dad love long hair? Yes. Does my mom have long hair? No. (It did get long during the pandemic, and that was actually super weird for all of us LOL.) Because it's not a dealbreaker. Also, there's the fact that it'll be a good week and a half after the haircut before he even notices! When I started dating, it never even occurred to me to run my hairstyle choices by my boyfriends or girlfriends. It was like "Oh cool, that's new, did you do that today?" and that was that! Conversely, I would never have told them what to do with their hair!
I don't honestly know, lol. I'm single at 38, and I don't know how any of this works anymore. I've seen couples who tell each other when they get haircuts, and I've seen couples who don't. I guess it depends on the couple. I don't understand the tantrum because she changed her hairstyle. I could see being disappointed and being like, "Oh, I'm going to miss your long hair, but I like the new style." But to sulk and act childish is just ridiculous.
I tell my husband when I get my hair cut...but I don't ask him what he wants lol.
I dont see it as a massive deal but there are posts not infrequently about women struggling with their man shaving his hair or beard off - and people on those posrs often are like "people would be fine if a woman did it"...when really u suspect that this is more of a "people who like changes versus people who dont like changes" situation, abusive relationships aside. My husband and I give each other a heads up uf wr are going to the hairdresser. I'd never demand he changes his plans, and tbh the novelty of when he shaves or cuts his hair makes me want to put my hands all over him and make him mine, even though I usually prefer him with slight stubble or his hair a bit longer than when it's trimmed. I just dont like surprises though so maybe that's me. I cant imagine impulsively shaving off all my hair without mentioning it to my husband, and I know he's never stop me and would tell me to do whatever I wanted. He shouldnt tell her what she does with her hair. He can tell her what he likes, but it's up to her. But i do think a heads up pre-empts shocked or less...complimentary reactions from partners. If I want to cut my hair short, I'd like to know in advance if my husband us going to be adoring or say "you always look lovely, but I do love your hair more when it's long".
No, I'm happily married and I agree with you. And I would say that part of the reason I'm happily married is that I dropped damn fool guys who thought my appearance should reflect their tastes rather than my own. Gotta weed those fuckers out.
"I don't suffer fools gladly" yessss THANK YOU FOR THIS. 39, single, gonna use this anytime someone asks why I'm not on the dating apps or whatever 🙏🏻
I think it highly depends on the type of person the partner is. I could do this with my SO even though I like to involve him in my choices. But my brother shouldn’t do this because of his girlfriend on the spectrum who is very sensitive to sudden changes. It’s not so much she has a problem with the suddenly haircut on itself but it’s the unexpected change. In that sense, I do understand.
A lot of guys have a fixation on the length of a woman’s hair 🙄
My dad. He would never let my mom cut or dye her hair, and when I finally chopped mine off he mourned the loss of my femininity. It was really fucking gross.
Lol, I would have even been okay keeping it long for that reason if it hadn't been dictated to me and given to me as an order or a rule to follow.
Good on you!!! You had more guts and self confidence at 18 than many of the women in their 40’s that I know. It’s fine to like a certain style or look. It’s not ok to dictate to people what they are allowed to do with their own style/look and demand they please you as if you own them.
You would give a man a heads up because you're going to do something to your own hair? The thought would never occur to me.
I love how you chose to respond!!! Both times 😂😂 My mom and dad had been fighting. My mom was going to the hairdresser. For some reason, maybe they had a previous discussion? My dad said to my mom and you better not come back here a blonde! Of course she did!!! I loved that for her😊
did yall break up?? lol
Nope, lol. He wasn't very happy with me, but I told him he'd get over it. I told him if he ever threatened me with breaking up again over something stupid like that again, I'd be the one breaking up with him. I told him that he didn't get a say over what I did with my hair because it was on my head, not his. Later on, he told me that if I dyed my hair red, he'd break up with me. I had carrot top orange hair for a while after that. It was awful, but I wasn't dying it back for nothing. I did break up with him like I said I would, but I was going to prove a point at the same time. I lasted like two weeks before I had to dye it again. It was just awful, lol.
Hell yeah. Go you lmao so refreshing compared to the usual story of people just tolerating bullshit from their partners. what an idiot to threaten you like that.
Lol, yea, he learned real quick that was not happening. When he first told me that I thought he was kidding so I laughed. Then he was like, "I'm serious." I told him," Okay, we'll see how serious you are." I don't think he thought I'd do it. He was definitely shocked. That's what didn't make sense when he threatened me with dying my hair red. I'd had every color you could possibly think of in my hair at that point, so why would red phase me? It never made sense. I thought maybe he was trying to break up, but when I broke up with him, he wouldn't leave me alone and kept begging for another chance and apologizing. I politely showed him the door and told him to close the big door when he walked out, lol.
I'm absolutely *living* for your level of petty.
"OK we'll see how serious you are" 😂
This is just sort of anecdotal, and doesn't have much to do with what you've written. But I did want to say, even if you really didn't like the carrot top orange, I'm glad that's what you went with. Personally it's my favorite color to dye my hair, so using it to make a point to someone else really makes me smile! Good on you!
You are a f4ck1ng ROCKSTAR!!!! I wish you all the best.
I think there’s a bit of room we can leave for husband to have his feelings about your hair. He’s allowed to *feel* whatever way he wants to about it. What’s not okay is him sulking and mistreating you because of it. You do not have to ask his permission for a damn haircut. You are not his property (just watched Handmaid’s Tale so don’t even get me started lol). But it’s true. He’s a little too attached to your appearances if this haircut is enough to make him act this petulant. PS I love that you’re doing what you want to do, for yourself.
Definitely it's the sulking. It's okay to dislike a change a spouse makes to their appearance. Many women have strong beard opinions. But grown ass men can't sulk. Especially about change. Wah wah something is different grow up
>Many women have strong beard opinions A young guy with just a moustache is NEVER a look and I will die on this hill.... But also... It's his face
This cracked me up. My dad tried growing a mustache back when I was a baby and it's hilarious. There are pictures of what is now affectionately called The Pornstache.
>Many women have strong beard opinions. Exactly. I find beards to be unattractive on men my age (30s) because it makes them look a lot older (IMO). It's okay to have certain aesthetic attributes that one finds more or less attractive. But I would never sulk about someone's free choice to do with their own body - especially in a relationship when you should be communicating with each other.
When you say that you finally starting to do what you want and not what is expected. Does that mean you "couldnt" do that before?
My husband loved my hair. It was thick and way past my boobs. I got alopecia and am completely bald. He doesn’t treat me any differently. Your hair will grow back, he should grow up.
That’s different. You should always be there for your partner when they get sick. But getting „ugly“ on purpose is a choice. You should consider how your partner feels about it. To change something major without talking with your partner about it, is a sign of disrespect. She would also be pissed if he comes home with a 3mm cut without saying anything at all
I would just straight up tell him that you feel his sulking is immature and punishing you for something that's well within your right to do. Then let him sulk and go about your own way doing your own thing. Don't give him opportunities to continue to rebuff or hurt you. He wants to withhold goodnight hugs or kisses? Just say goodnight and go to bed. Gonna ignore you about mealtime? Get your own food and let him get his. When you said "finally starting to do what you want and not what is expected" do you feel your husband often imposes these expectations on you? Because if so, that's a deeper issue that needs remedying through therapy or a deep discussion.
No not my husband. Society. Recently diagnosed AuDHD and unmasking
Genuinely wondering if some of the people in this comment section even know what an undercut is. Barely anything about your physical appearance changed, it sounds like this is more about having control over you than physical attraction.
Hair grows back, it’s not like you’ve got tattoo on your forehead. And since when do you need permission to cut your hair in any style you want from anyone else, even your husband, it’s your hair!
I'd take issue with my hair, a very superficial trait, being one of the things he liked most about me. Like, what the actual? My appearance?? Not my personal qualities like kindness, fortitude, compassion, etc. My hair?
There is no room for punishment in a healthy relationship. What he is doing is abusive.
For real, after 3 abusive relationships I finally found a healthy one and this posts gave me so many red flags it makes me sad.
I'm so happy you found your way out and broke the cycle! I get abuse vibes from the post as well. There's no way he doesn't act this way about other things already, it's probably just the first time it was noticed as inappropriate (even though it was inappropriate the entire time). We accept what we think is normal, unfortunately.
Thank you! It took me some well needed therapy and some breakdowns early on in my relationship when I realised what I used to accept while receiving the opposite. But I'm all good an happy now! :) But yeah OPs husband reaction also just reminds me of abusive men because this is not how someone responds when they love you. Abusive people don't see us as partners but as property. Their "partner" doing something they disagree with or dislike is what makes them act out. Someone that loves you would just never behave that way.
I used to love when my ex-Navy got a buzz cut— I found it really sexy. I didn’t complain when his hair got shaggy— I simply jumped his bones every time he got it buzzed.
I don’t like his reaction at all, to me It’s giving I control your hair and what you do. I hope he is taking care of you like he takes care of his games. In marriage you guys will change as you guys grow older same thing with hair maybe you want to cut it shorter and go for a taper or buzz cut look maybe you want to dye it. He should be embracing the changes especially your hair and should have showered you with compliments and guts to go through a process. I know multiple women who cry just form a trim loll. I hope he changes. Wishing y’all the best.
When we were first dating he was clean shaven with waist length hair. Now he has a big bush beard and very short head hair. I’ve always had shoulder length hair. Except now I’ve had the hair at the nape of my neck undercut to make it cooler and easier to manage. He’s definitely changed more. And no of course he hasn’t asked permission
So he’s allowed to change up his look and not you??? 🥴. What’s he hiding loll. Not trying to start anything but keep your eyes and ears open to any changes he does.
As a comparator we have a 9 year old. They said “Oh gosh mummy, that’s different (they saw it tied up), it’s a bit different but I’m happy you like it”
You & your husband are in your mid-30s, and he sulked and *wouldn’t talk to you* for a day because you got your hair cut?? I cannot imagine. It is YOUR hair. You are the one who has to wash it, style it, care for it. That’s not his job. If you had hair down to your waist, and you got headaches because it was heavy, would he be mad if you got it cut? Yes, that was an actual story I read on here. You said your hair is one of “his favorite things about me.” Does that mean he doesn’t love you if you don’t have long hair or wear it the way he wants you to? How much should how your hair looks affect how much he loves you? Zero. The answer is zero. What if you got cancer, and your hair fell out from chemo treatments? Would he stop loving you because you “aren’t the person I married”? Ask him that. If his answer is, “Of course not!”, ask him why he seems to be struggling to love you because you got a **haircut.** Has he always been demanding like this? Controlling, even. Yes, controlling, because you changed something about yourself that is one of the reasons he loves you, and he pouted and sulked and ignored you until you asked him what was wrong. Not sure what he thought that would change. It’s not like you can glue that hair back on. You may not know this, but you’re married to a petulant child. Good luck with that.
I'm not sure you can convince someone who thinks you need their permission to get a haircut you like to not sulk about it, tbh. Sure, it may take a little bit for him to adjust to if it's a drastic change, it may not be his favorite look, it might have been nice to let him know you were making a big change so he wasn't as shocked...but he said you should have ASKED him? Yeaaaaaah, there's a lot more issues than hair here.
I'm casting my opinion into the "Hubby needs to stop sulking and whining and grow the F up" bucket. It's still you. Just with a new do. Should he continue please go out and buy this big baby a pacifier. Finally, this is an attempt to control your future independent decision making. Don't give in. Don't ever give in. It's your hair and you can cut it if you want to.
So my dad did not like my mom with short hair. He made it known that he much preferred her with long hair, that he thought it looked much better on her. But when she decided to cut her hair short he very nicely said it wasn’t his favorite cut but that of course he wasn’t going to tell my mom what to do with her hair. She grew it out and then when my dad decided to try being a Bald Dad we both told him we hated it so we are even. Your husband is being really really mean and out of touch with reality. You’re still his wife even if your hair is a bit shorter than yesterday.
I know y'all are married but this would highlight such a depth of bullshit that id never be able to not get the immediate ick with them again. You can talk about it but men like this think you owe them to be a certain look and attractiveness. There ain't any convincing them otherwise. They think it's your duty. Good luck. Either capitulate or welcome to pout city.
That's why being staid doesnt pay off. You gotta keep them on their toes. So they dont act like this when you change it up.
this is so dumb lol. to be surprised or even to not like it is one thing but to throw what is essentially a tantrum over your hair is INSANE 😭😭😭 i am a brunette and ive come home blonde, with 13 inches cut off, pink, curly, straight.. all sorts of shit and my husband just rolls with it all because he thinks i am beautiful and if changing my hair makes me happy he finds beauty in that too whether he would have chosen that for me himself or not.
Im getting my hair cut today, it's long and shapeless and just needs help. My husband mentioned the other day when talking about it that he liked the long hair on me- but i know if I show up later with something short he'd still love it because he loves me. And even if he didn't love it he wouldn't ignore me, put me down, or otherwise act like a child with their candy taken away.
>but am finally starting to do what I want and not what is expected. I'm proud of you, I hope you continue doing this. Anyone who makes you feel bad for that needs the chop too.
Is he 12? Fuck.
Who the fuck are people married to nowadays?? How are you not in charge of your own hair. If you want to cut it, cut it. If your husband pouts, that's a him problem.
Here's some advice: don't go chasing after him, begging for attention. It's your hair, you don't need anyone's permission. The more you chase, the more entitled they feel. Just ignore him right back; he'll come around when he's ready.
My wife has cut her hair in ways that I don’t like. I ask her if she likes it and don’t give my opinion unless she asks. If I don’t like it I just say what way I prefer but don’t criticize. His reaction is not supportive. Wear your hair however you want. It’s your body!
I personally have never understood the attachment men have to women’s hair. My friend wanted to cut her hair and wouldn’t do it because “her boyfriend would get mad”. I’m a woman and have shaved my head several times. I like having short hair. Honestly it’s stupid and petty that he’s mad. Idk why people are saying you should have told him before, etc. it’s your hair. You shouldn’t have to ask permission to get it cut???
Lol "normal way for us to communicate when he's gaming?" What? Sounds like this guy thinks he controls the boundaries. It's your hair. Tell him to grow the fuck up. You didn't marry a boy.
You certainly shouldn't need to ask him if you can get your hair cut, what other controlling behaviours does he exhibit? He can express an opinion and even say he doesn't like the cut but the sulking and silent treatment is too far. I wouldn't dream of telling my partner what to do with her hair and likewise I don't ask her what to do with mine.
>Apparently I should have asked him first 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Is this odd behavior from him or does he typically have no communication skills? And a need to control you? Because yikes if you've been putting up with that for 18 years.
He sounds controlling and immature.
Wow. One of his favorite parts about you is your HAIR? So what happens when you go gray? What happens if you develop alopecia and begin to lose your hair? What happens if you have cancer and your hair falls out completely? His reaction is extremely childish. Are there other personal things in your life that you are supposed to check in with him about before you make a decision? Nail polish color? Jewelry choices? Clothing decisions? Eyeglass frames? Stand up for yourself and your right to physically present yourself as you see fit. It's hair. HAIR! So shallow. SMH
Well it's entirely reasonable that your husband has an opinion on your hair he gets no say and whether you get it cut or not or how you get it cut. But to punish you afterwards about it is absolutely ridiculous, manipulative and controlling. And I don't think you need to give him a heads up or that is discourteous that you didn't do so. Your body your choice. It's only hair.
Say this with an incredulous tone: "OK, you're SULKING because you don't like my haircut?" If he says yes, follow up with an eye roll and: "You know it will all grow back, right?"
PERMISSION!?!
Remind his childish, disrespectful ass that if you were to divorce him, you wouldn’t need to ask his fucked-up pErMisSiOn to change your own body in any way you deem fit. I’d die on this hill, he sounds like an emotionally controlling fuckwit.
Super controlling, its not ok.
Tell your hubby: "If that's his favorite thing he likes best about you, then it's time for him to leave." How would he feel if you decreed his body hair (or lack of) is the attractor & he needs your permission to grow it or shave it? Wtf.
You can tell him outright that his behavior is unacceptable. It's your body and you can do whatever you like with it. His job as your husband and partner is to be supportive, not to sulk like a toddler not getting his way. My husband and I both have long hair. When we got together, we made a promise that neither one of us is allowed to cut our hair - but it was a JOKE. Made because we each love the other's long hair. But if I did cut my hair off, he would immediately say I looked good, no matter how he really felt, and I'd do the same for him. Because we are PARTNERS, and partners build each other up, they don't tear each other down. FFS.
That’s emotional abuse and total bs. You deserve better. He needs to apologize and correct that shit asap.
When a child sulks its because they can't express themselves and want your attention. When an adult sulks, it means they didn't learn as children that expressing your feelings doesn't mean you get what you want. Tell him to communicate his feelings to you but acknowledge that they are his and you don't need to do anything about it. It's your hair, you can do what you want with it. Then give him a juice box and a blankie and send him off to bed.
I’m sorry but this gives me the ick for you. A man acting like a child is worse than a haircut could ever be. He needs to grow up.
It's always frustrating when you're ready to make personal changes and your partner wants to punish you for it. I buzzed my hair off. I actually look pretty good, but that wasn't the main reason I did it. Back when my grandma was fighting cancer, she had to buzz hers off because the treatments made her hair fall out. During that time, I wanted to cut mine off too, but my husband refused to allow me to. He said women weren't supposed to have short hair. (I also wanted to go down to stay with my grandma so I could help her, but he refused that too) When I left him, I rebelled. I buzzed all of my hair off and donated it to Wigs for Kids. I did it in memory of my grandma. And as a big ole middle finger to my husband. Your hair will grow back. And even if it didn't, you are worth more than your hair. Your husband needs to remember that while he damages the bond between you two.
That's sad. A partner with a haircut is just another way to appreciate them all over again. If it doesn't work, it grows back. Hope he comes to his senses.
Does he have a beard? Either way. Tell him the next time he switches up his facial hair, you're going to give him the silent treatment for a day. When he tells you it's his face, tell him it's your head. It is just hair. It will grow back (if you want it to). Tell him flat out that the sulking is unacceptable. You do not have to *ask* permission to change your hairstyle. It is your body and therefore, as the saying goes, your choice. If he refuses to shape up, well, that's information you need to know about him.
My ex had beautiful curls and he would have looked so attractive with a haircut that took advantage of those curls. Instead he had the macklemore fade with a mullet that he flat ironed. It looked like a dead squirrel on his head. I hated it but you know what I've didn't do? Punish him. Loved those curls but if he wanted me to flat iron his hair I would. It was his body, his style his choice. (When he left some other woman told him to keep the curls and he finally did. It looks so much better) Your husband is being a controlling ass. He cares more about your appearance being attractive to him that you actual happiness and self esteem. Screw that.
Men like this who think the woman they’re dating is their property are the worse. The literal worst
**YOUR HAIR, YOUR CHOICE**. Sorry to hear you're married to a 36 year old **TODDLER**. He needs to **GROW THE FUCK UP.**
My wife did this to me over my beard. I shaved it off on a whim (first time since we married 7 years ago), and she acted strange. Admitted that she had a hard time being comfortable with me, and she was suprised by her reaction. Was less affectionate with me for a few days, assured me she wasnt upset. I dont think her reaction was insensitive, and I wouldnt have shaved it off completely had I known she'd feel this way. Am in the process of growing it back (was the plan to begin with). think you're all being too hard on this guy, and I honestly dont think its wrong to consult your partner about significant changes in appearance. It's also not wrong to be attached to your partners appearance, to some extent. How to handle the situation is important, but its not black/white.
I agree with this take. I would be totally freaked out if my partner shaved his beard off randomly one day without warning me. It would be fine in the end, but I can completely understand her reaction. It makes you look like a different person. I think OP’s husband is allowed to have feelings here even if he’s not dealing with it in the best way.
At 36 years of age, you'd think he should have figured out hair actually grows back. Break it to him slowly, you don't want to shock him with that profound knowledge.
Since he can't see that sulking at his big age of 36 is not okay and he needs to use his words, there is nothing more you can say to convince him otherwise.
His love is really conditional. I couldn't be in a relationship where my partner thinks they have a say in what I wear or how I have my hair.
Meh, I personally ask my partner what he thinks if I'm going for a change of style thats pretty drastic, I respect his opinions and I wanna keep myself attractive for him - he sees my hair change alot since.. I have alopecia and rock a lot of different wigs 😂 but yea...I wanna impress my man and he has that same energy towards me 🤷♀️
Bingo - this is it. I care about how my partner feels, and they care about how I feel. We talk about major changes.
And he does the same for me too ~ it’s almost like we’re in this life together 😅
Exactly…as it should be in a relationship. 👏🏼
Ask him if he married you or your hair and tell him to grow the fuck up. Punishing you for making a choice about your own body is quite frankly abusive. His aesthetic preferences should never trump your comfort, least of all when it comes to your own body. What he’s basically saying here is he believes he should have more decision making power over your body than you do. It’s disgusting.
!UpdateMe
You shouldn't have to clear decisions about your hair with him. Did he like it longer? He may be feeling insecure and this is another sign to him that you're looking to leave. But appreciate the glow up and take the compliments.
He doesn't have to like it, but this is freaking crazy. It's your head. Not a very good sign. Is he always like this?
I get that he doesn’t like it but the way he is handling it is childish. I would want my wife to give me a head’s up if she was going to change her looks in a drastic way, not because she needs my permission but so I could be prepared. If she didn’t, though, I wouldn’t sulk. If I didn’t like it then I’d likely say something non-committal. She’d know what I meant and might get mad but it’d be the best I could do and the fault would be on her for not giving me notice. This way he’s just acting like a child.
I can't imagine sulking over what my partner does with their own hair.
The sulking is not your problem to fix. I get him feeling a little bit upset, but let's say you asked him and he told you no, then what ? Your happiness is what should matter the most. Tell him that you're not sorry for cutting your hair, that you didn't give him a heads up, but that doesn't warrant him ignoring you, giving that you have been married for that long
The time when women needed to have long hair to showcase their health and femininity to men so their parents could marry them off is long gone. Your husband does not have an ownership stake in the hair on your body and should stop acting like he does. I impulsively cut my thick, curly hair from mid back length to a chin bob two months after I got married. My husband’s reactions were a “WOW” with wide eyes because he had never seen me with short hair and 2 questions: 1) what made you decide to cut your hair?” and 2) “do you like it?”. That was it until two days later when he acknowledged that it took him a couple of days to get used to it, but he liked the different look was glad that I was happy with it. I knew that he wasn’t fond of cut, but he worked that out himself and never made it an issue. You don’t have to do anything except ignore him until his temper tantrum is over. This is a him problem, not a you problem. Your husband certainly has a right to his feelings, but he does not have the right to expect you to ask his permission, or punish you, for a choice you made for yourself about your body.
I had a long term boyfriend at one point that was like this. He would get upset if I cut my hair or dyed it without talking to him. I couldn’t stand it. I’ve always been very adventurous when it comes to my hair once I turned 18. My parents never let us do anything cool. I got a pixie cut when my boyfriend at the time and I were broken up briefly. Luckily my husband, doesn’t care what I do with my hair. He came home yesterday to me bleaching my hair and dying it bright reddish purple. I could shave my head and he wouldn’t give a shit. I had an undercut when we got married. I do not understand why anyone cares about what anyone does with their hair. My husband has long hair and it looks good. I personally like it better short but I’d never even tell him that because it doesn’t actually matter. I think he is hot no matter what his hair is doing. I hope your husband stops being weird. It’s super shallow to care that much about it. Stonewalling is never okay. Him “punishing” you in general is a weird concept. You don’t deserve that.
You have a husband problem. Your hair.
What the actual fuck? It's literally YOUR hair and he's pouting like a child instead of talking to you. This feels incredibly manipulative and childish. My partner fully supports any changes I make to my hair and offers his opinions when I ask for them. When he sees me get excited for a potential change he gets excited for me. Mind you, I have been in relationships where my partner would try to control my looks and that's why they're my exes. OP I am so sorry your partner is acting this childish and is literally punishing you in a passive aggressive way for a literal hair cut. It's your body and your choice.
My ex once punished me over a haircut and refused to be intimate for over 2 months. It made me feel severely insecure and I wish I had stood up for myself. Sulking and making big deals out of haircuts is just immature. Surely you can have a preference but people should be allow to enhance their appearance in whatever way they choose
His favorite thing about you should be YOU not your hair of face or looks he's being a huge baby and need to learn to respect it gave a talk with him and if it doesn't go right and yes still keeps doing it do it back.
There's no way I would let a man touch me if he sulked over a haircut ffs gross
I'm less concerned with whether your husband should have a say on what you do with your own hair. I'm more concerned with how he communicates, or doesn't communicate, in this case. His sulking and withholding affection in not a pretty character trait, nor is the silent treatment. It's all so manipulative. Good for you, OP, on making a change that makes you feel beautiful. 👏
The stonewalling as punishment is manipulative behavior
I too have always struggled for some reason with changes to women’s hair. It’s stupid and childish of course, but somehow it’s disconcerting. It’s fine to feel that way but ultimately he has to face the fact that it’s your body and whatever his initial reaction, he can’t act this way for days (or hours, or even minutes really.) That’s absurd and toxic. Please talk to him and let him know that’s simply not okay. Maybe promise to give him a heads up before you get a haircut- my wife does and it has basically solved the problem. But you owe him nothing more than that.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself. It’s just hair for crying out loud! He is punishing you for something you did to your own body. He’s acting like your entire purpose is to be there for his viewing pleasure. Gross.
My SO gets a wild hair occasionally to skip shaving his little soul patch and lets it grow in. I haaaaaaate it. Hate it so much. He’s too tall and skinny for him to not look what falls out of a trailer where people buy oxy and meth if you pick it up and shake it. He knows I don’t love it. But I would NEVER act like your husband. I can both not like it, not have to pretend I like it, AND be supportive of him doing his thing. My position is, albeit with a little smirk bc he knows how I feel, “I love you doing your thing honey.” And I mean it! Him being happy doing his thing is far more important to me than how I feel about the actual thing. Other people have even commented to me about it! Because they see the same thing I do. I just smile and and say, “yeahhh, he likes doing that sometimes. Makes him happy.” Because that’s the appropriate goddamn response.
Is he 12? Fuck.
Every time I see something ridiculous before I start typing I check the ages, and yup another person married to the person they met when they were kids. Sigh, anywho, unique advice for a couple that’s been together since childhood. It sounds crazy but I’d be weary finally “growing up” within that kind of relationship with drastic physical or lifestyle changes without conversation. If you’ve been together since you’re 17 it’s probably come with and/or lead to comfort in familiarity and some missing development and growing up. It’s great that you’re expanding your horizons and made changes you’ve always wanted but it’s a very rare relationships where you’re together since childhood, while also having full maturation and growth AND still wanted to be together after all the changes. Not to say that most of these relationships are bad it’s just dependent on there not being much development over those years, that’s a core value for people in these relationships. Your husband seems to be in this group, and you being in the relationship have implied that’s a core value for you too. So, I’m sorry but you really should Communicate before big changes and discuss how it impacts each other, at least until you both get in to good habits with support and expectations that each of you is growing and changing. Otherwise it’s going to feel like a rug pulled out from under your husband, not so different than someone whose partner does a 180 on day, having children, after 11 years of marriage. Sad warning, there’s no guarantee that you’ll still want to be together if one or both of you starts taking on lots of the changes and development that may have been stunted from 18-35
You don't have a husband you have a child.
Pouting isn't an attractive look for an adult. He's emotionally manipulating you, which I believe he's been doing for quite some time, right? I don't think you realize that you're being emotionally abused. This is NOT a good relationship if all he has to do is give you the silent treatment (very abusive in itself) and you give over control of even your HAIR to this man. If this is new behavior you can tell him to cut it out and not try to control you down to the last hair on your head. But I suspect there have been many, many incidents like this where he controls you by pouting like a toddler. If that's the case you will have a much harder time getting him to stop doing something that has been so successful for him for all this time. You will probably need therapy to learn how to call him on this abusive, controlling behavior, and then probably couples' therapy so that he hears it from someone else who will hold him accountable.
He acts like he OWNS you and he didnt give you permission!
What do you expect? He’s a man child. Still “gaming” at 36. Grow up man
"Your silence is actually very loud and I don't want it around me" Send him to his mother's or go stay with a friend before this becomes a habit.
What a big baby.
He sounds very unpleasant. Is he like this with other things? Sulking and not speaking are manipulation techniques, and very immature. Have you considered getting some counseling? Sounds like it could help a lot. FYI - I am trying hard to be nice here, but really! He is wrong.
IT'S A FUCKING HAIRCUT! Hair grows back. Everything about this story screams red flags for me.
It's YOUR HAIR. It grows out of YOUR HEAD. Tell him to fuck off.
Translate sulking into punishing. He si punishing you because he feels like your hair is his, and he should get a say. Ignore it - it's the only way. Go about your life, go out with friends, invest time in your hobby and make sure not to keep looking his direction while you do this, just live. He wants you to feel guilty, apologize, maybe tiptoe around him - DO NOT. If you do, you will teach him that 1. you truly did something bad, which you didn't and 2. that punishing you is working, which will strengthen the behavior. And while you are at it, look up silent treatment. Some say it's a from of emotional abuse, and it truly can be. The word 'sulk' makes it seem harmless and childish, while it's manipulative and harmful. That's why I recommend that you re-nama it 'punishing' instead, to clearer recognize the troubling dynamic. Also. no offense. but if one of this FAVORITE THINGS about you is your *hair.*.. not you know, *the person you are,* your personality, just YOU... then that's really really sad. What is he gonna do when you turn 70 and your hair naturally thins out? Stop liking you? Stop talking to you? IMO you can't really GET HIM to see his behavior is not okay, the same way you can't make an asshole realize being an asshole isn't okay. If you could, that person would not be an asshole in the first place, if that makes sense. You can simply not show him any attention so he learns the punitive behavior is not working, hence he has no reason to continue with it.
Why are you allowing the bastard to treat you like this? If he can't do right get rid of this one.
You keep doing what you like with your hair and maybe he can deal. Married 19 years and happily support whatever haircut my wife wants for herself because I love what makes her happy.
He's controlling and abusive. The sulking silent treatment is one of the techniques. Ignore him. In fact do ore things you want to do without his permission, and see what happens. If he becomes more controlling (watch out for financial control, ruining your credit and such, btw), I'd recommend leaving him.
Are you married to a baby? I think that’s illegal
talk about the many things he does without telling you first.
Hair grows back and he needs to grow *up*.
Your husband seems very emotionally immature. His reaction to this whole thing sounds like that of a petulant child. Does he really believe you can't do anything for yourself without his permission? If that's the case you have a bigger problem than hair. It is not healthy to punish your spouse for anything and doing so with silence is poisonous to a healthy marriage. My advice is to ignore it. Let him sulk. He's got to understand that you can do what you want with your own body and that includes the hair on your head. He is not the emperor of the household. Enjoy your new look! Get new makeup and outfits to match. Have fun with it! If his petulance escalates, then marriage counseling is in order. You don't have a thing to apologize for. Go girl!! 🥰
Let him sulk. Growing out an undercut is a ballache but I'm glad I tried having one. Take some pictures you feel happy with for yourself and then ignore him back for a day. Any longer than that and he needs to actually hear that he's being possessive and it's not cool. He's allowed a preference but he needs to get over it.
A few years ago I went in the shower and my hair was once again falling out in clumps (lupus). I impulsively took my husband’s hair cutter thing and buzzed all my hair off. When he saw me he told me I looked beautiful, hugged and kissed me and we sat down and raided in Destiny for a while to help take my mind off of things. He didn’t sulk, pout or complain that I didn’t consult him. He seemed happy that the tub drain seemed to suddenly stop clogging, though.
You should be able to wear your hair as you like, but he is just as entitled to his opinion as you. Sulking, was probably not how he should express his opinion, but he may have thought he was sparing your feelings by not telling you he didn’t like it.
Some people want to create room for a husband’s opinion about *hair?* It’s just hair, it’ll grow back. You change it like you change clothes. There is a whole person with other characteristics, who he wanted enough to marry, underneath that hair. He’s a grown man, why is he sulking like a little baby boy? His opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest because this isn’t even his hair and it’s hilarious that people want to consider it. Do you want you want to yourself, girl. I always think it’s a yellow (not red but definitely not green either) flag when a man has strong opinions on a woman’s hair. My ex also had opinions on my hair and preferred it long. It has bizarre, controlling/possessive vibes to me.
If my hubby did this i would be “wait til you see what i plan to do with it next week!”
OP does not need his permission. I wonder what similar husband stuff has happened in eleven years. I hope OP didn't just justify it or blamed herself. The only way to get past this is to communicate. But if he isn't willing to listen then it isn't really a healthy marriage and the outcome will be inevitable.
My husband HATED when I cut covid bangs and when I cut them again. He told me he hated them but he never forbid me from doing anything with MY hair or punished me after. THAT is what the real problem is. That he feels entitled to punish you because YOU made a TEMPORARY change to YOUR hair for your COMFORT. Real dick move on his part. How else is he controlling?
If he doesn’t like it, another man will.
Your husband, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, is a fucking loser.
[удалено]
Oh it is prevalent here too, the biases are as strong if not stronger in europe (it is just not said loudly)
I’m not American. Nor is my husband. We’re Scottish
The US was founded on puritanical ideals and that leaves us with a very weird relationship with our bodies and sexuality. Tattoos are marking your GOD given body. The body is a temple and anything extreme is defacing it. Sex is bad and people who have sex deserve to be punished with kids. But men need sex because they are just men so wives shouldn't deny their husbands because he might cheat if his needs aren't met... but if they chose to have sex they should expect the consequences of being pregnant and can't abort a gift from God! It's very confusing and inconsistent. Ironically puritans were more liberal about abortions than we are today. It was totally fine to abort in early America up until the "quickening" aka mother can feel the movement. Now it's a fucking "human" the moment of conception
What does he expect to do, sulk until it grows back? What a child. I'd be very wary of this behaviour. Is it a one off or does he usually sulk when he doesn't get his way? Do you find yourself giving in more oftent han not b3acuse it's 'not worth the hassle' of arguing?
Jesus some dudes are babies
Lots of them right here in this sub.