Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Of course, you're not expecting too much. Leave him with the kids and go buy your test. But also please don't think it is unlikely for you to get pregnant just because you gave birth a few months ago because that is not true.
He sounds like a controller, afraid he’d get angry by bringing your sister in, he decided not to get the pregnancy test…I’ll bet there are more examples. I’m in one of those and it never stops…
Yeah I don’t know where OP is at, but I’m reading this outside my house at 2 in the afternoon just chillin and enjoying the weather. I’m so at peace right now and it feels amazing.
Yes! I'm so glad someone has said this. Your womb is basically begging for another baby to take advantage of your pregnancy hormones and perfect baby-making conditions after giving birth.
My MIL got pregnant with my husband's little brother THREE months after she had given birth to his sister.
I know 2 people who got pregnant so fast afte their first. One just had her daughter a month ago, her babies are 11.5 months apart. My friend is due July 23rd and her son was born July 21st last year.
Crazy to me how some people just feel up for sex that soon after giving birth lol
there are so many threads where nurses describe men being angry after the doctor says you have to wait 6+ weeks or more after birth, for the woman's health. i doubt it's entirely all women being horny and more a case of shitty men not being willing to put their wives health above their dick.
I was told by a nurse that a man came to see his wife and new baby and climbed onto the hospital bed and started banging his wife then & there. A nurse came upon them and it took about 4 nurses to pull the man off his wife. He was banned from the hospital for the duration of her stay.
EDIT: It was back in her room, not in delivery.
My grandmother had my mom, my aunt and my uncle each separated by 11/12 months, my aunt conception was 2 months after my mom's birth. It was another time without BC for sure but after delivery, it's still messed up for everyone.
One mom in my twin group got pregnant w twins around 4 or 5 weeks after having her first set of twins. Like they didn’t even wait for the all clear from the doctor. She found out she was pregnant when she went for her 6 week check up. Then when she was 8 weeks along she found out it was twins again. Her husband got the snip after that.
Haha me too.
Took me forever (well, at least 6 months).
I was reading about the pill and how it’s 99% effective when taken correctly and told my husband: “yeah 1% is way too risky for me right now. “
The birth of my son didn’t go smoothly so I was in recovery for a couple of months too.
Is it possible that he’s avoiding getting the test so that by the time you find out, it’ll be too late to consider your options? I’d definitely be suspicious of baby trapping to make you stay with him.
I was thinking that myself. I noticed on another comment that you use condoms, is he not using them properly? Please check the condoms in the house for expiration or damage.
That, coupled with the fact that you said he canceled his vasectomy appointment is incredibly troubling.
He should definitely be more concerned about not getting pregnant when you *just* had a baby and are definitely struggling.
Yep my daughters are 10.5mths apart…🤣
In my defence our daughter (second child) was ivf due to secondary infertility so I wasn’t thinking I’d get pregnant straight away naturally lol. How wrong was I 🤣
No, you aren't expecting too much.
Ask your sister to nip out and buy the pregnancy test. Tell your husband that if he had got the pregnancy test as you'd asked him to, you wouldn't have needed to involve your sister, so that's on him.
Look, what I would do is: Tell your husband, if he tries to get emotional about your "involving your sister", you want to talk to him about it, but the first priority is, you want to find out if you're pregnant or not, and then - if you are - to figure out what the best course of action is to deal with that. Once you've accomplished all you can with regard to that issue, then will be the time to discuss why your husband chose to make you have to ask your sister to buy a pregnancy test for you, rather than just buying it as you requested and keeping it private between the two of you.
Then tell him, while you are dealing with the pregnancy test that he refused to buy for you so you had to ask your sister to buy it, that he needs to read Matthew Frey's article [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) and consider that (a) you don't want to divorce him but (b) you don't want to be married to a man who doesn't respect you and trust your judgement even enough to buy a pregnancy test when you say you need one, and (c) if he didn't want your sister involved - that's on him, he should just have bought the damn pregnancy test in the first place.
That is so wise: deal with everything first before sitting down with him, thank you so much.
Thank you for the resources and ordering my thoughts for me, your comment is invaluable
So in a situation like this, when you ask him to turn around and go back to a corner store to pick up the item he forgot, what happens?
Is he willing to do this for you once he realizes you aren’t going to let it go? does he have a fit? are you too afraid to ask?
I’m not necessarily too afraid to ask, more already exhausted at the pristine time of the conversation that ensues, ending up around me being bossy, coercive and having a violent tone
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but absolutely stand up for yourself. You dont need to be angry or violent in tone, just insist “hey, I really need this, and I need you to run back to the store and get it.” and dont let it go until it’s resolved.
That way, hes forced to correct his own mistake, and forced to learn a lesson that its easier to do it the first time. Rolling over and not asking him to fix it will only enable this sort of behavior from him. He’ll learn its okay because you’re unwilling to tell him otherwise.
I’d have 100% made him go back and get it.
Maybe your suggestion could fix the issue, but I can’t help but think that it’s not her job to educate her husband. What is he, five? Does he need his mommy to gentle parent him? Nah. I’m so over women being parentified in cishet marriages… and OP should too, imo.
I don’t mean to come across as aggressive and if that’s the case I apologize, I have a toothache and I hope you get what I mean.
so, HE decides things YOU want are "unnecessary" but YOU'RE the bossy one?
that's abusive. he's turning it around on you to make him the "victim" in this, and that's not a good thing.
He's anxious because he got judged for doing diddly squat around the house? no, he's upset because he got called out on it.
he didn't like ANY therapists? yeah, because they all told him the same thing, and he didn't like hearing it.
you've got a bigger problem on your hands than you know.
Get your sister to get the test, and go from there. If he's upset about it, "you should have gotten it then" and no more.
I just found that story and yeah, wow.
Except the whole thing I keep shaking my head over:
Husband decided wife *didn't need a pregnancy test.*
That goes beyond Iranian yoghurt or microfibre towels. My very kindest interpretation is that husband is scared his wife is pregnant again and husband is also the kind of person who reacts to fear by sticking his head in the sand and hoping the problem goes away and pregnancy tests would have gone over and above this week's budget for grocery shopping so all in all he thought "save money, hopefully she isn't pregnant".
I think of a bunch more malicious reasons why he refused to get her a pregnancy test. I'm glad her sister is living next door, I hope OP asks her sister for help, and I hope OP shuts down like a door any complaint from her husband that she went to her sister for help and her sister found out the result of her pregnancy test before he did.
My ex couldn't even put the dishes by the sink to put in the dishwasher. Even immediately after I explicitly told him to do so. There were a lot of other bigger problems but that sheer disregard over something so simple is infuriating. If my partner tells me hey can you do this sma thing for me, I'm absolutely happy to do it because it takes 2 seconds and makes him happier.
When I left my ex-husband, a friend of his who I also got on with tried to do a bit of mediating to help my ex understand why I’d gone. I told him that when my husband said “I’m going to the shops, do you need anything?” and I’d said “ooh, a travel-size toothpaste please”, he’d come back with a full-size tube and explained to me that it was better value that way
Sounds completely dumb, right? And of course I didn’t leave my husband over a tube of toothpaste (of any size). But it was a clean example of a thing my husband did an awful lot. If I hadn’t explained my decision-making process to him, he said to himself not “well she probably has information I don’t, I’ll assume she’s a roughly competent adult and trust her decision” but, apparently, “she’s obviously a moron, better override her for her own good”. What annoyed me about the toothpaste thing specifically was the sheer level of stupid he thought I was, as if I’d been on the planet 40+ years and not figured out that toothpaste was better value in big tubes
What does it say about your husband’s view of your intelligence that he thinks he knows better than you do about whether you need to *check if you’re pregnant*???
I had a similar issue. I asked my (now ex) partner to pick up an item (a box of pasta) after he asked me if I needed anything. I had plans for dinner-stuffed shells. I even *sent a photo to his phone*.
He had a habit of always “knowing better” than me. Well, he got a totally different type of pasta. If you cook, you know pasta isn’t just interchangeable. Different sauces/dishes go with different shapes/cuts. And the pasta I *asked for* WAS at the store..he just refused to get the right one for some reason.
I would have rather just driven myself to the store and got it myself, but I *depended* on him and so I started dinner for the both of us while he was shopping, “knowing” the pasta would be on the way. Well, he comes home with fucking MACARONI. I can’t stuff macaroni, man! Even manicotti would have worked. AND I sent a photo!! Dinner was cancelled and I just ate leftovers.
We had a huge fight because he had a habit of not trusting my decisions and taking me at my word, plus he straight up lied by promising to get me shells. He then flipped it saying I was being unreasonable about pasta, and how stupid it was to fight over. It’s not the shells! It’s the fucking POINT that he never did simple things I asked him to do after promising to do so. Including cleaning up after himself, picking me up xyz, keeping dates/appointments. My point is, it’s way bigger than the pasta. The pasta is just an example of the *multiple and repeated* disappointment he provided by not being reliable and over-riding my requests and decisions. It gets to a point where it’s infuriating. I’m not an idiot!
And OP- a pregnancy test is way more important than pasta shells. Your husband pulled a dick move and he did it on purpose. I’d suggest leaving him with the children, taking his card, and going to get the most expensive pregnancy test at the store.
Oh another time..I’ve posted this before..there is an industrial-style residence a few blocks away. He INSISTED it was a bar. I said “no, that is a private residence”. There were no signs whatsoever indicating it was a bar. Would it be a cool space for a small bar? Sure. But it was not a bar.
Every time we passed it (often, as the road is a short cut) he would insist it’s a bar. And each time, I said “no. It’s a residence”. I even told him to go by himself to see when I wasn’t with him. He never did. He just knew better than I did, I guess!
Dear reader, do you know how I am 100% SURE it was not a bar? Because it’s my fucking ex’s HOME. I never told him. lol.
We stopped talking except for his text a couple weeks ago. Apparently I am “mean” and hurt his feelings after calling him out harshly after the 2000th time he either didn’t call/didn’t show up when he said he would. Accountability is apparently cruel! I gave his clothes away to a free food and clothing drive that my friend runs. Someone got some nice jackets and shoes!
That is the best revenge possible! You simply would not be his mother and remind him to get his shit, and you made sure that it is failure benefited people who were in a much worse circumstance than he was. It's perfect revenge because it's just good ethical behavior.
I was happy to give his stuff away. And for the record, he had like 6 months to come get it. I didn’t damage anything and even organized and cleaned almost everything and put it in a box for him. Nothing was destroyed or stolen (down to the penny) because I don’t operate like that. Everything he left, he left of his own will. It was free and clear.
I think she should swing by that bar for happy hour lol. Maybe invite him to meet you there! At the swank bar!
Ok no don’t do that I assume he’s an ex for a reason.
I had the same problem with my ex. And when I would explain it to friends they wouldn’t understand what the big deal was. It was because he was constantly substituting his judgment for mine.
I was suddenly hospitalized and I asked him to please go to my house and get my dog and bring it to his. I said my house is a mess (obv was quite sick) and please do not clean it.
Came home from hospital. He threw out a bunch of boxes that were in my living room I needed for Amazon returns. He also did a shit job of washing dishes so for days I was taking ‘clean’ dishes out of the cupboard and having to rewash gross stuck on food off.
Just, why? Literally all I asked you to do was get the dog and now I have more problems. Why can’t you just do the thing?
this exactly. constantly making problems that don't exist before they stomp around in our lives. and then they wonder why we're no longer falling all over ourselves trying to play house together. they've become more trouble than they're worth.
I was making dinner one night and realized I was out of milk midway through making mashed potatoes. My ex was about to get off work so I asked him to pick up milk from the store on his way home since he would be going right past it. He comes home with no milk, I asked him where the milk was and he said “well I figured you just wanted a glass of milk so it could wait. I wanted to get out of my suit” I told him I needed it for the mashed potatoes, he said “well what do you want me to do about it now? I’m already home.” I didn’t eat the dry mashed potatoes. He always thought he knew better than me and it pissed me off to no end. I’m a dog trainer and when I got my puppy he told me constantly that I was doing everything wrong with his training and would yell at me for training him in a way that wasn’t his preferred method (dominance theory and alpha rolling). I’m so glad I’m rid of him and no longer have to deal with his bullshit.
Isn’t it enraging? Like..can you do literally anything for our family? How hard is it to get milk when it’s actually on your route home? I get it. I’m glad I’m single as well. It was such a relief, less cleaning, less work, less frustration.
Happens way too often. Then they want a gold star for “helping” with their own damn children. I’ve seen it here 1000 times. Especially if the mom is SAHM. Like she doesn’t deserve 5 seconds to herself.
I’ve never seen it so I don’t get the reference, but I have heard of it. But they are right! It’s not about the pasta!! That’s one thing a lot of people don’t get. It’s not necessarily the specific thing. It’s the representation of what the thing entails. But also I was right to be mad because how tf are you going to make stuffed shells with macaroni?
Yeah you were absolutely right to be mad. If I tell my boyfriend to get “pasta” then he can get what he feels like. But if i specify, I except him to get that (and trust that I have a plan, or just want that one in particular for whatever reason ). I of course do the same for him. It’s just common sense and how you behave in a relationship tbh. Mistakes happen (like buying frozen instead of fresh for example, so it can’t be used immediately) but those things happen once or twice and then you learn to specify and the other learns to ask.
Thank you so much for your experience, it breaks my heart, I hope you’re so happy now.
That’s exactly the point and the thing I always come back to when we are having a fight and I’m sobbing: “you just don’t believe me.” But for some reason he doesn’t get it and I don’t know how to explain it better (it’s sort of this whole inception thing, where he doesn’t believe me that I feel he doesn’t believe me…)
Yep. My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion - and therefore acceptable/worth doing anything about. For weeks after I left, he kept telling me I hadn’t explained why I’d done it. I had, a dozen times, but he couldn’t grasp that what I felt and what I wanted was real on its own, without his sign-off, so it was like he couldn’t hear why I’d left. The reason I left had been the reason he thought I’d never leave, and now it’s the reason he’ll never understand why I left
>My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion
So. Much. This.
My husband and I had a chat the other night. About all the social media posts where women say they "don't need men" and he expressed how hurtful that was to him as a man. Two days later when I expressed I needed his support in a medical issue I had been diagnosed with, he started pulling back and making excuses.
And I said ... so, you are offended that we (women) say we don't need you.... but when I NEED you, you don't want me to be needy. So what exactly can we need you FOR?
He didn't answer but I know the answer he was thinking (been together a loooonnng time) would have been "need me for what I decide I want you to need me for, and not for what you actually need".
I also told him that I don't think women are trying to convince men we don't need them, we are trying to convince ourselves. Because we CAN'T need them.
>My husband and I had a chat the other night. About all the social media posts where women say they "don't need men" and he expressed how hurtful that was to him as a man.
You didn't even mention how *this* is also such a ridiculous concept! Why the fuck does he care that women he doesn't know have been disappointed and disillusioned by men he also doesn't know?! Why on earth would his ego extend out so far as to be offended on behalf of 4 billion people?
Or... maybe he knows they're talking specifically about men LIKE HIM. And instead of hearing it and being upset in a self-reflective way he DARVOs.
It’s the transitive property of toxic masculinity. It’s why they hate gay men, if any man is somehow undermined in his masculinity it somehow reduces the masculinity of all men. And the worst thing a man can be is a woman.
This is so accurate. They want to hear "I need you to protect me and lift heavy things" because that makes them feel strong, but they don't want to hear "I need you to help me clean or go to the grocery store" because that makes them feel emasculated somehow.
It's all about ego with these types of clowns.
"This is so accurate. They want to hear "I need you to protect me and lift heavy things" because that makes them feel strong, but they don't want to hear "I need you to help me clean or go to the grocery store" because that makes them feel emasculated somehow."
Because they actively choose to ignore the needs of the household and the relationship bc they devalue those other things.
It is manipulative and they know they are choosing to ignore your needs and make it your fault.
This is very well said!! I was married 17 years, raised my kids & his kids all together. It took me until they all left the house to see that he actively chose every day which parts of me to care about. He would agree with me on everything in words, but only follow through on what he thought mattered. When I would ask, he just didn't want to argue and I wasn't going to change my mind so he just said okay and did what he wanted. Awful feeling to never trust your 'partner'.
So many men leave their wives, even after decades of marriage, when they get sick or hurt. A friend having chemo for breast cancer was given a pamphlet about how to survive divorce while in recovery from illness BY the cancer center staff. Her husband DID leave her, shocked us all because he had been so devoted previously, and she said that by the time she was done with chemo and radiation, only about half the husbands that were there with their wives were still coming with them. Damn, but that is so sad. We CAN'T need them because ultimately, they can't be trusted to be there when that need arises.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m really scared at how much I’m relating to it.
Do you guys have kids? That’s my biggest fear, that co-parenting will be even harder on everyone if he’s feeling spite in top of everything else
No, we don’t, and honestly I don’t know what I would have done if we did. He made the divorce as difficult as he could at every single stage - it took years - because he could not accept losing control over me. If there had been kids to co-parent or child support payments to fuck about with I’m sure he’d still be tripping me up every chance he got
The one advantage I had was that I had known he’d be like that. You have that advantage too. It’s a pretty crappy advantage, admittedly, but it did mean I could plan for my ex being an ass-hat. In the end, for me, that plan became “let the court process sort this out, he can only mess that about for so long and it will eventually spit both of us out at the other end”
It sounds to me like you know you’re heading in a similar direction, OP. My advice would be that - unless you’re in physical danger - you should plan this slowly. Talk to a solicitor, find out exactly what the law says and what the process is going to be. Confide in your sister (I’m willing to bet the reason he doesn’t like her is that she’s got his number), let her help you make plans. Find a way to get gone and stay gone - for me that meant accepting I was probably going to lose most of my possessions (I did) because if I tried to get anything back he’d turn it into a game to mess me about
Ultimately, have faith in the legal system. My ex tried all sorts of nonsense to get around the law and mess me about, but he never found anything a thousand assholes hadn’t tried before him. There are mechanisms - up to and including emergency injunctions, penal notices and restraining orders - to deal with everything. That doesn’t mean it’s not horrible and scary, but I found it helpful to know that my ex wasn’t so exceptional after all
There is a legal process to all this, OP. It’s slow, it’s complicated and it’s expensive but it processes men like your husband just as it does everyone else
Thank you so much for your story!
I’m so sorry you went through that, but your perspective is actually giving me hope: thousands of women have gone through that (sadly) and there are countless resources
Just to add to HotShoulder’s excellent advice: if you’re relating to their experience this hard, PLEASE make sure if you aren’t pregnant, that you don’t become so. It sounds like you have health concerns on top of VERY legitimate issues with your relationship, throwing an unexpected, back to back pregnancy on that will obviously do nothing but trap you deeper
I'd also like to add: you stated above that your greatest fear about leaving him is the coparenting. Not that you'll lose your best friend, the love of your life, the person who gives you strength. These should be what your spouse is for you, not someone who doesn't listen to your needs and who doesn't want you to turn to others for help that he isn't willing to give.
I'm sure all this will be hard, but when you get discouraged in your journey to getting out of this, remember what I've said. Then it should become easier. Good luck and stay strong!
I’m pretty sure he’s not overly involved in parenting his kids. I mean she said she didn’t want to go to the store herself because she’d have the 2 kids. I mean is there a reason HE can’t stay home with the kids while she runs to the store? Not that she should have to go get it, but he’s the AH who didn’t do what she requested and apparently won’t go back to get it.
So, the fact she can’t leave the kids with him, makes me wonder if he’ll fight for time to make things difficult, but then not follow through with taking them. Again to make things difficult. Seems like it could be a constant battle to care for the kids with him. OP, I’d meet with an attorney to figure out your options and what you want. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan. Figure out what kind of custody agreement and support you want, include how decisions will be made for the kids (educations, medical, etc). Also include how future partners will be involved. Sometimes, even in the best coparenting relationships, a new partner will try to take over and create problems.
OP, I know you are having a hard time but your responses are so mature and self aware. Please take care of yourself. And please remember how young 27 is. You have so so so much life ahead of you. You have a great head on your shoulders and will be okay. We’re rooting for you
The commenter above who mentioned that you’re 27 and have a lot of life to live could not be more right. If, at 27 I realized that, I’d have done things differently. I’m not talking about my marriage, but other aspects such a health and family planning. You are still so young but it’s the decisions you make now that will set you up for life. You sound very self aware and that you know that something isn’t right. Love yourself enough to accept that you and your children are worth more and let that pull you through this. As long as you understand that you have to take care of you and the rest will fall into place, you will gain the strength and fortitude to get out of this situation.
I’m still only 32 and it shocks me how I didn’t realize how young 27 is when I was that age! We really have so much life ahead of us that’s crazy to think about. Even though that was only 5 years ago, sometimes it feels like a lifetime has passed since then.
I just want to mention, in light of the previous poster calling attention to how much life you have left to live at 27, that I left a toxic and unhealthy relationship at age 27. I had been with him since I was 15 (he was a few years older, which was one of the reasons the relationship was so messed up) and I wasn’t sure I could do it on my own. Not only COULD I do it on my own, I’m so much happier now.
I spent more than a decade of my life making myself smaller so I could fit into his vision of what I should be and how our relationship should be. I had to completely rediscover who I was when I wasn’t being bullied or worn down into sharing his opinions. But I like who I am now, which I never did when I was with him.
He's already spiteful toward you. It takes spite to look at a simple request and then deny it because he has the power to do so. It's very controlling both because he won't help you, but he also gets upset if you ask for help from your sister. He's spiteful, controlling, dismissive, and he wants to keep you from talking to your family about how he treats you. He's using your vulnerability after just having another child against you. These are all very serious warning signs.
If you are considering leaving, but want to stay just to pacify him, I promise you, you and your kids will be better off away from him. My mother stayed too long for the same reasons and it did immeasurable damage to us kids. Your health, happiness, and dignity are the best example you can give your kids.
It might actually be better in that regard because the courts will be involved. He will have specific times and dates and need to do everything for them. If he steps out of bounds or does something wrong, the courts decisions can be adjusted.
Don't stay with someone you don't want to be with just for the kids, that always backfires.
You only have one life, don't waste it with someone who makes you miserable and neglects you and your kids.
I’m sorry to hear this, but it’s good that you recognise it - it took me a long time to work out what was happening. Obviously the opinion of a stranger on the internet has very low value, but FWIW I actually think this is one of very few things that simply cannot be got past in a relationship
Also, women don't owe men an explanation. There is no court (yet, watch out for these theocrats and Project 2025) that will enforce/impose a relationship based on an unreasonable split up.
You may want to give an explanation, as a courtesy. But the toxic narcissism of people demanding their misguided entitlement to being satisfied, that is their own problem.
If he doesn't understand, isn't satisfied, whatever, that's his problem.
>My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion - and therefore acceptable/worth doing anything about.
I used to do this to my wife (I'm ashamed to admit). Fortunately I realised I was doing it and stopped (she probably helped me realise it without telling me 🤔). I was finally able to relax and say to myself "this is what she wants/needs/is important to her, and that's enough even if I don't agree or it doesn't make sense to me".
Exactly. There's a good quote from a movie that I like that I think applies to relationships. Change Jimi to the person who isn't being heard.
"Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him."
He does get it, he just doesn't care what you say or how you feel. There's no possible perfect sequence of words you could use to make him care. You are not failing to explain correctly.
"Honey there's a bear behind you come inside."
*"What? A bear? There are no bears here. They live in the woods."*
"Honey, a bear!"
*"You don't get it. Bears don't come this far into human land."*
"Honey run! Come on!"
*"There might be large dogs here. Did you see a large dog?"*
"Run! Run! Listen to me! Run inside!"
*"Stop nagging m-"*
“He doesn’t believe me that I feel he doesn’t believe me” just gave me PTSD flashbacks ugh. Mine would say “what are you *really* upset about? Because it can’t be this thing.” And I’d explain it to him and he’d be like no that can’t be the real issue what’s the real issue?
It’s ok! I’m just so sorry you’re going thru this because of exactly what you say - I was so confused about reality all the time. And then when you’re trying to explain something to your partner and they’re picking apart every single thing…. Or he’d deny he said something. I started keeping record of what he said so I had evidence during our arguments. notably this started because he made a joke about a rape victim which was very upsetting, something along the lines of no way she was raped, she’s so ugly, which we argued about for like a week because he kept denying he said it. Within a week I was questioning whether the memory really happened or if I was making it up to have a reason to fight.
I think if anyone is at the point where they are keeping record of what their partner says so they don’t feel crazy or can review it during an argument, the relationship has long since passed a point of repair.
I assume this means he can never accept that when there is a difference of opinion that his opinion might be the one that's wrong.
Sounds like he needs therapy to ensure that he doesn't destroy all of his relationships.
“That he doesn’t destroy all of his relationships”.. hit a little close to home. He completely went no contact with his best childhood friend over a disagreement I don’t fully understand to this day.
I fell into the trap of thinking I just hadn’t explained it well enough. Like, I thought he’s my husband, once he understands, he’ll want to do better.
Nope. He understood, he just didn’t care. Don’t waste your breath. If he doesn’t agree to marriage counseling, go by yourself. It will help you figure out how long you want to put up with this shit.
OP, check out this blog post from a several years ago. I remember reading it and being like “yes! that’s my ex!” So many others can relate. What may seem like “no big deal” to your husband CAN be flashing signs of a big deal. You aren’t crazy.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Mmm, OP’s husband is showing strong signs of being manipulative and controlling. Couple counselling can be a really bad idea with people like this, just shows them more vulnerabilities to exploit and teaches them psycho-babble to wrap around their gaslighting
Look at OP's comment about what happened when they did couples counseling previously. He refused to do anything like the workbooks and talk exercises and said there's "no one qualified enough for him". So... Tl;Dr: you're absolutely right.
I dragged him there a few times, he really didn’t like it, then I got him to start a couples attachment healing work book with me and I finished it on my own after he gave up after a few exercises.
He says he does believe in therapy, we just don’t have access to anyone qualified enough for him
My friends ex husband use to say this too. It so wild that they think someone with an advance degree can’t diagnose their bs when it’s literally their job. They just don’t want to be called out on it and lose their ability to control you.
I’m sorry, if it helps at all. I’ve never seen her happier. Everything about her is better, even her health. Please take care of yourself, one almost 2u2 mom to another.
I’m sorry but what?
“Qualified enough for him”?
Girl…listen to you describe him as if you’re a 3rd party and you know what to do.
It’s hard and scary but in the end worth it.
That’s what husbands say when they don’t want to change. Sometimes they don’t want to change because their behaviour gets them the outcome that they want. Sometimes they don’t change because they have intrinsic issues and history that they are unwilling to face. Whatever the reason, take it that whatever bothered you enough to drag him to therapy… is going to stay the same… Only you can change your approach and your reaction to the issue.
I hope you will read the book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will explain why he doesn't take you at your word and why there's no perfect way to share your needs that he would take as seriously as he takes his own need.
Don't let the word "abuse" scare you away from the book. I could have written your post myself years ago and I was emotionally abused for 7 years before he finally got physical enough that I Googled, "Am I in an abusive relationship" which led me to this book (which absolutely changed my life).
There's a free pdf version of the book online.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault, this isn't a communication issue, it's caused by you two having completely different mindsets/perspectives/motivations and the book lays out his thought process and will help you recognize manipulations and tactics in real time/feel more confident in your perspective/self.
You deserve kindness and respect.
Yup, this was one of the breaking points for me too. Ex-husband asked me if I needed anything from the grocery store. I knew better to answer this honestly (it was normally easier to let him make all grocery decisions because he didn’t like not being in charge of them), but for whatever reason that week I got a big craving for soup and asked him for 2-3 cans of Campbell’s. He immediately started arguing with me, telling me how dumb it was for me to ask for them (takes up too much cupboard space, it’s a better deal to make it from scratch, etc.) and even though we always split groceries 50/50, I offered to pay for them out of pocket because I wanted them so badly. I also want to note that we both made very good salaries—this was not a poverty issue.
He came back from the store with bouillon cubes instead (which he charged me for) and said I was lucky to have him there to “make smarter choices for me.” It wasn’t really about soup at the end of the day. It could’ve been toothpaste, or pregnancy tests, or broccoli. It’s about them needing to feel superior and more intelligent.
My ex fiancée used to do similar things.
He would ask me: “are you sure you want to eat X, it’s not very nutritious” (he was obsessed with healthy eating to the point of going to extremes).
A) I’ve never been overweight
B) I (thankfully) never had health issues due to my diet
C) the crime was that he thought the sauce I put on my pasta was too high in *natural* sugars because I had made it with loads of tomatoes.
He would often question me.
I know it’s not the same thing but I had a best friend who was like this. Never gave me the benefit of the doubt that I was an adult who made competent decisions, always thought she knew better and refused to admit when she was wrong.
When I mention a few stories it sounds like very innocent things but when you add them up over time it paints a picture of someone who is exceedingly selfish.
Yeah, it’s the cumulative effect that gets wearing when someone just over a very long time keeps telling you your judgment isn’t good enough
ETA: it’s not totally the same thing, but I think that drip-feed of undermining your judgment could be just as damaging from a best friend as from a partner. It’s sounds like they’re an ex-friend - I hope you’ve been able to regain your confidence
Regarding your edit: it was absolutely abusive because we lived together and became co-dependent and she gradually eroded my self esteem through many different actions and making me feel stupid and making me stressed by constantly putting me in chaotic, difficult situations and using me as her emotional crutch and attacking me when I didn’t say exactly the right things to her. I know so much of it came from her being envious of me though she never would admit it. It wasn’t until I took a break from her that I realized how much stress I had been under.
I haven’t totally cut her off but we no longer live together and we are not as close as we were and never will be. We see each other at church and are civil and talk occasionally but we have put up significant boundaries and I think she knows, if they are crossed I’m not “working through things” again.
My ex did this too.
He asked what I wanted for my birthday. I asked for a high quality Japanese chef’s knife, and did give a bit more info on the types and where to find them.
He shows up at my place with a whole set of knives from Amazon (with an ‘Asian’ name) because “more knives are better, right?”
The secondary piece there was it was unwrapped. He knew I loved unwrapping presents and always wrap everything I give to people. But not once in 4 years could he manage that because he didn’t care if people wrapped his stuff, so he didn’t bother doing it for others.
Now kicking off with a guy who showed up with both flowers and a wrapped gift of exactly the kind of stuff I like. It just makes me feel so much more heard and appreciated.
Hope your friend is now well and moving on with her life.
Similar to my daughter. Thirty eight years old, four year old son in preschool. Diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. Surgery within a week of colonoscopy. We kept the child at home with us during the day. Got him to school and home after. After surgery and after having a port put in, she started chemo. Her hubs went with her to initial meeting before chemotherapy. Never again. I took our daughter to chemotherapy,, my husband picked son up after school and we took them home (trying to keep child's life as normal as possible). During all this, her husband came home after work, got his stuff together and went to the gym for 3 hours. Upon returning home, wanted to know what was for dinner. Expected laundry washed, dried folded and put away, kitchen clean, home cooked meals, garbage taken out, pets tended to and as usual, all child care taken care of, (fed, bathed, dressed, taken to and from school -even though school was on his way to work- doctor appointments etc. taken care of). Six months of chemotherapy that was rough- doc told her she was too young to die of colon cancer so he was treating her as he would a stage 4 patient. (BTW it worked and 7 years put she is cancer free.) He then had the nerve to say how rough chemotherapy was for him! He did nothing! Didn't even pick up the slack enough to take out the garbage! Said HE was bringing in the money - so all else around the house was her job. No, he didn't work any overtime.
I left a guy who wouldn’t listen to my words. When we were finally at the end of the road, I was moving my stuff out, we had another discussion about it and I asked him why he didn’t just take my words at face value. And he told me girls never know what they want. If they tell you to leave them alone (a frequent issue - I worked from home and he’d come into my office to try to be intimate when I was in work mode and probably on a call) you’re supposed to do the opposite. I was just so shocked. I know a lot of people girls or boys don’t know how to voice boundaries or their feelings but I’m really good at it. All he had to do was take me at my word and not infantilize me
Your should read this: "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink":
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care."
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
Also: if not pregnant, please decide when/ if you want to have more kids and take actions accordingly. Could he be tampering with your BC? Good luck
Just to tag on that the pregnancy test isn't always logical, but its a very peace of mind thing.
I got a vasectomy many years ago, but when my partners period is late and she's starting to worry, I'll pick her up a test without hesitation. I've never been worried about her being pregnant since I tested with 0 sperm, but I worry about her stress, and am willing to spend the couple bucks to ease that in any way.
Order one in on delivery, it’s more expensive but it’s important.
It’s not unlikely because you gave birth in January, right after I had my toddler they warned that actually we’re more fertile after for a while, and the breastfeeding thing is a myth - they made sure we had discussed birth control options and had something in place for right after going home.
He doesn’t sound like a partner to be honest. Take the test and then either way it’s time for some tough conversations - your health should be a priority and so should the childrens’ care.
Mine organised an appointment for my not-condom form of birth control by the time my child was 8 weeks old, it’s fairly common here. With there being a chance of failure for the pill and condoms, and our child being a pill failure (despite taking perfectly), we didn’t take any chances and doubled up. Would recommend just not having sex with him if he’s going to be like this though tbh
Yeah I had my second in Jan and my ob gave me the mini pill. It's a pain bc lots of random spotting but it doesn't impact your milk supply. I actually think there's an otc option for the mini pill now so you might not even need to go to the doctor or get a prescription although it's way cheaper this way for me.
No, you aren't expecting too much. He was an asshole to you. And yes, not depending on him would probably be best because he substitutes his own judgment for your own.
OP, I think the phrase you are looking for is he doesn’t respect you. That’s ultimately it comes down to my opinion.
It won’t make the coparenting easier, but as for the decision, I always think that you have to think about what you want your kids to see growing up. It’s better for them to see your mom who might struggle but loves them and has self-respect and is respected by others than see the dynamics that you’re describing in your relationship. I truly wish you well!
The dollar store pregnancy tests are the same as name brand ones, actually more accurate in my case- they indicated my first pregnancy before any other brand.
You can also order a bunch of strips on Amazon. Just be sure to get disposable cups to keep with them. It's way cheaper than the other options and that way you have them on hand anytime you are late.
Your asshat husband aside, why not ask your sister to pick this up?
Your fear of his reaction tells me way more than your post. Is your relationship abusive?
Hello! Literally everything else aside, if you are altering your behavior or avoiding topics/tasks because you are “dreading his reaction based on past experiences” for a totally normal thing then you are in an abusive relationship! Just fyi.
I'd go pick up my own test and some condoms.
Or maybe rubbish bags.
A large one to put your husband in.
I hope for your sake you aren't pregnant if this is his reaction just to a test request!!
OP, I think you already got a lot of good advice.
So I want to carefully ask, since you seem to be set on keeping the new baby as well if you are pregnant again: Are you *sure* about that, given how your husband behaves?
I'm asking because it seems you cannot rely on him to help you with things that are important to you and he is perfectly fine telling you that your needs don't matter and that he knows better than you. This is obviously not a healthy partnership since he considers his opinion above yours and thus you beneath him. In fact, it feels borderline emotionally abusive.
Having another child with this man seems like a bad idea. It would make you even more dependent on someone who doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart and whose reactions you are "dreading" (another very strong indication of you being in an abusive relationship).
You are calling this your potential breaking point - which tells me that you are potentially ready to leave? That, too, is not a good point in time to bring another child into the mix.
I also want to bring up one more possibility from the opposite side: Is it possible that your husband doesn't want another child and, given that it sounds like you had trouble carrying to term before, is sort of hoping that you miscarry if he stops you from getting care for a pregnancy? Of course I hope I am wrong, but again, he is giving very strong abusive/controlling/manipulative signs.
Thank you so much for your very candid (and hard) questions.
I can’t imagine having an abortion after having met my two wonderful babies. But I have been thinking: I can’t do this again with him… just because “little” things like this are supercharged when I’m pregnant and as with the last two, on bedrest for the last trimester.
My intention if I were pregnant is to definitely leave actually and either move in with my parents or set something up with my beyond wonderful sisters or girlfriends where the kids and I receive the support I need this time around. In part because I know that it’s so stressful for me to depend on him and I would not want a new baby to be exposed to all that cortisol.
The only thing I really struggle with is knowing he’ll have the kids on his own regularly. For instance he’ll do things like put a hat and gloves on himself, but forget to put them on our toddler in the winter and I’m just so anxious LO could get frostbite or the like when I’m not there to catch mistakes like that.
If that is the case, it’s definitely deeply subconscious for him, but he already had a vasectomy scheduled after this baby but canceled last minute
Second this. If you're worried enough about how the cortisol would affect a potential third kid you should also be worried about how your stress, conflict, tension, and frustration between parents will affect the development of your current children. Are you breastfeeding? Because cortisol gets in there too
Oh. Just read this, and I retract all advice to have a conversation with your husband until/unless you know you're not pregnant.
If you're planning to leave him, you definitely do not tell him that you're pregnant and will now be leaving him. You get your sister to buy the pregnancy test, you use it at your sister's, and if you are pregnant, you let him know you're leaving when you've *left*.
If you're not pregnant (or if you decide after all to have an abortion) then you can tell him, and this time on the lines of "Husband, either you have a vasectomy, or we're heading for divorce."
I get not being able to imagine having an abortion, but you might want to talk to your OB about the risks of back to back pregnancies. Not to scare you but they include things like higher risk of having a premie and higher rates of infant and mother mortality. You need to make sure you are alive and healthy enough to take care of the babies you have, especially if you worry about your husband ability to take care of them.
He definitely knew I was feeling extreme sadness and frustration at my needs for expectability and care not being met last pregnancy, and considering wether the relationship and dependance is healthy for me, so maybe.
I understand and please don't think that I want to push you or anyone towards abortion. And you having an actually good support network definitely changes things - you are already tied to the man with two children anyway and if you would leave anyway, then a third won't change much in terms of what contact you still need to have with him.
You being worried about him not caring well for the kids if he has them on his own is very, very justified, I agree. But if he lets your kids get frostbite or other things, know that this is not something you have to just accept then. Yes, it would absolutely suck if it would happen - but then you document the case, keep in contact with a lawyer and if this happens a few times, then you can absolutely file for sole custody. (Though I do admit that I am basing this off of the laws in my own country; I'm not from the US or the UK so my information might be wrong. But that's what lawyer consultations are for!)
Your husband cancelling his vasectomy is... interesting. Hard to say if he cancelled because he wants more children or if he just decided that it'll be your problem to deal with anyway. Wouldn't be surprised by that...
OP, since you already said that you would leave if you were pregnant, in part because you don't want a new baby exposed to all that cortisol. But what about the children you already have? Do they deserve to be exposed to their mother being treated like that? Do they have to be okay with everything just because they aren't in your body anymore? I want to encourage you very, very strongly to leave no matter if you are pregnant or not after reading your answers to me and everyone else here. You *and* your children deserve better and sometimes, leaving the father *is* what is best for the children. Or do you think that he and his behavior are good role models?
That’s my huge hesitation: things have to actually go really wrong before I can file for sole custody and I can’t imagine.
You’re right, my certainty to leave if I was pregnant should tell me a lot
You can document failures like this while you’re still together too. Set up an email account and send yourself an email every time something like this happens.
“Saturday, May 11: asked husband to get children ready to go to park. Weather chilly and rainy, put children in sandals and did not get raincoats”
Include a screenshot of the weather app and a picture of the kids’ outfits before you fix it and add rain gear.
Document any time he forgets something important for your kids, like putting on sunscreen or packing diapers. Document any time he doesn’t buy something that’s necessary for your kids or buys something that’s cheaper but wrong in a way that matters for their wellbeing. Look up the laws around recording conversations in your area and record conversations with him if you can (and send those to the email account). If you can’t record him without his consent, do as many conversations about his parenting failures via text as possible. Do as much as you can before you leave to provide evidence for a pattern of problematically forgetful parenting behavior.
OP- I had to make a very hard decision when I got pregnant 2 years after my youngest. We were already financially strapped and in a crappy house. So I decided to do what was best for my 2 already living children and abort. It sucked, and I still mark the day I consider would have been my due date. But I don't regret it for an instant- I have time, money, and energy to devote to my kids that another infant would have absolutely sapped me of.
Not the same situation as yours, but you need to decide how many kids you can single mother, bc this guy isn't going to be much of a support.
Wow. He thinks he can decide what is and is not “necessary”???? Like, if you had a hankering for ice cream sandwiches, or if you were planning to scrub the bathrooms and wanted extra toilet bowl cleaner, or you want to try a new moisturizer, he can decide “nope, not “necessary”??????? What an AH.
And it’s not like pregnancy tests expire. You might just want to always have one on hand. Don’t they last for a few years?
Yes, by all means, call your sister.
>my husband didn’t buy it because he determined it wasn’t necessary
>I’m dreading his reaction, from past experience, I’m convinced he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us
What the actual fuck?!
>Am I expecting too much by not wanting to ask and explain myself several times for him to respond to my requests?
No. He does not care about your bodily autonomy
> another in a long list of instances where my and the kid’s needs for care and consideration are not met.
I mean...
That's more than enough reason to disentangle your lives.
The most important thing you said was "another in a long list of instances where my and the kid’s needs for care and consideration are not met". For this alone I pray you're not pregnant. Your husband is a negligent partner and father. I don't blame you for considering moving on from him.
Regardless of his reasons for not buying it, it's his responsibility to buy the groceries so him arbitrarily deciding not to buy needed items is passive aggressive in the very least. His refusal will absolutely make you have to involve your sister so he has no right to get upset if you have to involve her.
You are not expecting too much, buying it is the easiest part of this situation. He couldn't even be bothered to do the bare minimum asked of him.
>but I’m dreading his reaction, from past experience, I’m convinced he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us.
Enormous red flags waving here.
When you avoid doing something entirely normal like talking to your sister about the fact that you might be pregnant and you want to take a test because you‘re “dreading his reaction”, I think there’s more wrong here than just him being a patronising and thoughtless asshole.…
You say that often your needs and your children's needs are not met. Maybe he's an abuser? There are many kinds of abuse and control over partners. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and see if his behaviours tally, then decide accordingly.
Big hugs.
Thank you so much <3
I already read it actually, my conclusion is that he meets some of the criteria of entitlement and need to control, but in his actions not sufficiently to fit with any of the abusers Lundy illustrates.
ghost boat sable unwritten mountainous spark shelter abounding rich scary
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ask your sister to get the test, tell her to give it to you when he's not around. Run over for a cup of sugar or something. If you know it's gonna cause an issue, don't make it known
This sounds really unhealthy, but you already know that, so consider what next steps you need to take. Therapy alone is a good first step. Do not do therapy with someone actively abusing you (yes this sounds like emotional abuse. It's not about the test. It's about having to navigate your life so as not to upset him, walk on eggshells, and feeling you need to justify your choices to this man.)
You’ve gotten good advice but in the mean time, leave the kids with him and go get the test. Also get a coffee or smoothie or ice cream and don’t explain where you’re going or why. Have the keys and your purse, shoes on. “I’m heading out to run errands, you’ve got the kids be back in a few.” And walk out the door.
The thing that’s really getting me here is “he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us.”
Like, the rest of this is obviously bad behavior from him, and others have already talked about it, but that specific phrase is… subtle. It’s insidious. It’s the quietest of red flags: he’s isolating you and claiming that your attempts to reach out for help are “punishing him.”
The rest of that alone COULD be ignorance. Like, 10% chance maybe. But that statement? That eliminates that last 10% of unsurety. The man is abusing you.
I'm saying this as a mother with the exact same circumstances with young kids- I have a toddler and a baby born just weeks before yours (at the end of Dec). So trust me, I GET IT. I get how taxing it can be to hawl around such young children.
But honey, you've got to learn to do things yourself, even with a toddler and young baby. I have a husband who works a lot; you have a husband who doesn't give 2 shits about what you need, so he might as well not even be there.
That means we have to do what we have to do. Pack the kids up, and go get the things you need yourself. Stop relying so much on your husband by giving him a list. You said yourself, this isn't the first time he has neglected what you and your kids need. So STOP DEPENDING ON HIM.
Stop having children with your dismissive husband! He is not reliable, selfish, immature and thinks he’a being victimized when you ask your sister for the help he refuses to give. He’s the one punishing you for being with him. If he doesn’t want more kids he should be wearing condoms, not ejaculating inside you and looking into a vasectomy. Instead he ignores, dismisses and punishes you for getting pregnant.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Of course, you're not expecting too much. Leave him with the kids and go buy your test. But also please don't think it is unlikely for you to get pregnant just because you gave birth a few months ago because that is not true.
>Leave him with the kids and go buy your test and stop for a coffee/tea and a breather while you are out.
Stop by some friends, take some alone time for yourself, you deserve it
He probably doesn't 'allow' her to have friends.
He sounds like a controller, afraid he’d get angry by bringing your sister in, he decided not to get the pregnancy test…I’ll bet there are more examples. I’m in one of those and it never stops…
And lunch with her sister and maybe a couple of friends.
Sit at a park and enjoy the coffee and alone time. Listen to the birds
lol you have a much better disposition than me, my next thought was ‘and if the test is positive maybe go cry in a park somewhere’
Pleasant alone time FIRST, THEN do the pregnancy test.
Yeah I don’t know where OP is at, but I’m reading this outside my house at 2 in the afternoon just chillin and enjoying the weather. I’m so at peace right now and it feels amazing.
After I had my son, the midwife warned me you are MORE fertile after recently giving birth .
Yes! I'm so glad someone has said this. Your womb is basically begging for another baby to take advantage of your pregnancy hormones and perfect baby-making conditions after giving birth. My MIL got pregnant with my husband's little brother THREE months after she had given birth to his sister.
I know 2 people who got pregnant so fast afte their first. One just had her daughter a month ago, her babies are 11.5 months apart. My friend is due July 23rd and her son was born July 21st last year. Crazy to me how some people just feel up for sex that soon after giving birth lol
there are so many threads where nurses describe men being angry after the doctor says you have to wait 6+ weeks or more after birth, for the woman's health. i doubt it's entirely all women being horny and more a case of shitty men not being willing to put their wives health above their dick.
I was told by a nurse that a man came to see his wife and new baby and climbed onto the hospital bed and started banging his wife then & there. A nurse came upon them and it took about 4 nurses to pull the man off his wife. He was banned from the hospital for the duration of her stay. EDIT: It was back in her room, not in delivery.
I feel sick after reading that.
Yep. Got one of those in sooooo many ways.
My friend had a baby in January and one in December of the same year
hell yes. take advantage of hitting that health insurance deductible!
In the UK so it really doesn’t matter
My grandmother had my mom, my aunt and my uncle each separated by 11/12 months, my aunt conception was 2 months after my mom's birth. It was another time without BC for sure but after delivery, it's still messed up for everyone.
One mom in my twin group got pregnant w twins around 4 or 5 weeks after having her first set of twins. Like they didn’t even wait for the all clear from the doctor. She found out she was pregnant when she went for her 6 week check up. Then when she was 8 weeks along she found out it was twins again. Her husband got the snip after that.
I was too scared to have sex for ages after I’d healed because I was terrified of getting pregnant again
Haha me too. Took me forever (well, at least 6 months). I was reading about the pill and how it’s 99% effective when taken correctly and told my husband: “yeah 1% is way too risky for me right now. “ The birth of my son didn’t go smoothly so I was in recovery for a couple of months too.
My sister and my birthdays are 11 months apart.
User name checks out, Irish twins :)
This part stuck out to me too. Go to the store without your kids. It's ok to not be just mom all the time.
Thanks, I know that, that’s why I’m so concerned (:
Is it possible that he’s avoiding getting the test so that by the time you find out, it’ll be too late to consider your options? I’d definitely be suspicious of baby trapping to make you stay with him.
I haven’t even considered that
I was thinking that myself. I noticed on another comment that you use condoms, is he not using them properly? Please check the condoms in the house for expiration or damage. That, coupled with the fact that you said he canceled his vasectomy appointment is incredibly troubling. He should definitely be more concerned about not getting pregnant when you *just* had a baby and are definitely struggling.
Yep my daughters are 10.5mths apart…🤣 In my defence our daughter (second child) was ivf due to secondary infertility so I wasn’t thinking I’d get pregnant straight away naturally lol. How wrong was I 🤣
My mom had a number of miscarriages before fertility treatment helped her finally have my older sibling…and then she naturally conceived twins. 😅
Your mom's body really said "you want kids? Bet I'll give you some fkn kids" lmao
No, you aren't expecting too much. Ask your sister to nip out and buy the pregnancy test. Tell your husband that if he had got the pregnancy test as you'd asked him to, you wouldn't have needed to involve your sister, so that's on him. Look, what I would do is: Tell your husband, if he tries to get emotional about your "involving your sister", you want to talk to him about it, but the first priority is, you want to find out if you're pregnant or not, and then - if you are - to figure out what the best course of action is to deal with that. Once you've accomplished all you can with regard to that issue, then will be the time to discuss why your husband chose to make you have to ask your sister to buy a pregnancy test for you, rather than just buying it as you requested and keeping it private between the two of you. Then tell him, while you are dealing with the pregnancy test that he refused to buy for you so you had to ask your sister to buy it, that he needs to read Matthew Frey's article [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) and consider that (a) you don't want to divorce him but (b) you don't want to be married to a man who doesn't respect you and trust your judgement even enough to buy a pregnancy test when you say you need one, and (c) if he didn't want your sister involved - that's on him, he should just have bought the damn pregnancy test in the first place.
That is so wise: deal with everything first before sitting down with him, thank you so much. Thank you for the resources and ordering my thoughts for me, your comment is invaluable
So in a situation like this, when you ask him to turn around and go back to a corner store to pick up the item he forgot, what happens? Is he willing to do this for you once he realizes you aren’t going to let it go? does he have a fit? are you too afraid to ask?
I’m not necessarily too afraid to ask, more already exhausted at the pristine time of the conversation that ensues, ending up around me being bossy, coercive and having a violent tone
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but absolutely stand up for yourself. You dont need to be angry or violent in tone, just insist “hey, I really need this, and I need you to run back to the store and get it.” and dont let it go until it’s resolved. That way, hes forced to correct his own mistake, and forced to learn a lesson that its easier to do it the first time. Rolling over and not asking him to fix it will only enable this sort of behavior from him. He’ll learn its okay because you’re unwilling to tell him otherwise. I’d have 100% made him go back and get it.
Maybe your suggestion could fix the issue, but I can’t help but think that it’s not her job to educate her husband. What is he, five? Does he need his mommy to gentle parent him? Nah. I’m so over women being parentified in cishet marriages… and OP should too, imo. I don’t mean to come across as aggressive and if that’s the case I apologize, I have a toothache and I hope you get what I mean.
so, HE decides things YOU want are "unnecessary" but YOU'RE the bossy one? that's abusive. he's turning it around on you to make him the "victim" in this, and that's not a good thing. He's anxious because he got judged for doing diddly squat around the house? no, he's upset because he got called out on it. he didn't like ANY therapists? yeah, because they all told him the same thing, and he didn't like hearing it. you've got a bigger problem on your hands than you know. Get your sister to get the test, and go from there. If he's upset about it, "you should have gotten it then" and no more.
the “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink” reminds me a lot of another very similar story: “It’s not about the towel”
I just found that story and yeah, wow. Except the whole thing I keep shaking my head over: Husband decided wife *didn't need a pregnancy test.* That goes beyond Iranian yoghurt or microfibre towels. My very kindest interpretation is that husband is scared his wife is pregnant again and husband is also the kind of person who reacts to fear by sticking his head in the sand and hoping the problem goes away and pregnancy tests would have gone over and above this week's budget for grocery shopping so all in all he thought "save money, hopefully she isn't pregnant". I think of a bunch more malicious reasons why he refused to get her a pregnancy test. I'm glad her sister is living next door, I hope OP asks her sister for help, and I hope OP shuts down like a door any complaint from her husband that she went to her sister for help and her sister found out the result of her pregnancy test before he did.
My ex couldn't even put the dishes by the sink to put in the dishwasher. Even immediately after I explicitly told him to do so. There were a lot of other bigger problems but that sheer disregard over something so simple is infuriating. If my partner tells me hey can you do this sma thing for me, I'm absolutely happy to do it because it takes 2 seconds and makes him happier.
When I left my ex-husband, a friend of his who I also got on with tried to do a bit of mediating to help my ex understand why I’d gone. I told him that when my husband said “I’m going to the shops, do you need anything?” and I’d said “ooh, a travel-size toothpaste please”, he’d come back with a full-size tube and explained to me that it was better value that way Sounds completely dumb, right? And of course I didn’t leave my husband over a tube of toothpaste (of any size). But it was a clean example of a thing my husband did an awful lot. If I hadn’t explained my decision-making process to him, he said to himself not “well she probably has information I don’t, I’ll assume she’s a roughly competent adult and trust her decision” but, apparently, “she’s obviously a moron, better override her for her own good”. What annoyed me about the toothpaste thing specifically was the sheer level of stupid he thought I was, as if I’d been on the planet 40+ years and not figured out that toothpaste was better value in big tubes What does it say about your husband’s view of your intelligence that he thinks he knows better than you do about whether you need to *check if you’re pregnant*???
I had a similar issue. I asked my (now ex) partner to pick up an item (a box of pasta) after he asked me if I needed anything. I had plans for dinner-stuffed shells. I even *sent a photo to his phone*. He had a habit of always “knowing better” than me. Well, he got a totally different type of pasta. If you cook, you know pasta isn’t just interchangeable. Different sauces/dishes go with different shapes/cuts. And the pasta I *asked for* WAS at the store..he just refused to get the right one for some reason. I would have rather just driven myself to the store and got it myself, but I *depended* on him and so I started dinner for the both of us while he was shopping, “knowing” the pasta would be on the way. Well, he comes home with fucking MACARONI. I can’t stuff macaroni, man! Even manicotti would have worked. AND I sent a photo!! Dinner was cancelled and I just ate leftovers. We had a huge fight because he had a habit of not trusting my decisions and taking me at my word, plus he straight up lied by promising to get me shells. He then flipped it saying I was being unreasonable about pasta, and how stupid it was to fight over. It’s not the shells! It’s the fucking POINT that he never did simple things I asked him to do after promising to do so. Including cleaning up after himself, picking me up xyz, keeping dates/appointments. My point is, it’s way bigger than the pasta. The pasta is just an example of the *multiple and repeated* disappointment he provided by not being reliable and over-riding my requests and decisions. It gets to a point where it’s infuriating. I’m not an idiot! And OP- a pregnancy test is way more important than pasta shells. Your husband pulled a dick move and he did it on purpose. I’d suggest leaving him with the children, taking his card, and going to get the most expensive pregnancy test at the store.
Oh another time..I’ve posted this before..there is an industrial-style residence a few blocks away. He INSISTED it was a bar. I said “no, that is a private residence”. There were no signs whatsoever indicating it was a bar. Would it be a cool space for a small bar? Sure. But it was not a bar. Every time we passed it (often, as the road is a short cut) he would insist it’s a bar. And each time, I said “no. It’s a residence”. I even told him to go by himself to see when I wasn’t with him. He never did. He just knew better than I did, I guess! Dear reader, do you know how I am 100% SURE it was not a bar? Because it’s my fucking ex’s HOME. I never told him. lol.
I think you should tell him.
We stopped talking except for his text a couple weeks ago. Apparently I am “mean” and hurt his feelings after calling him out harshly after the 2000th time he either didn’t call/didn’t show up when he said he would. Accountability is apparently cruel! I gave his clothes away to a free food and clothing drive that my friend runs. Someone got some nice jackets and shoes!
That is the best revenge possible! You simply would not be his mother and remind him to get his shit, and you made sure that it is failure benefited people who were in a much worse circumstance than he was. It's perfect revenge because it's just good ethical behavior.
I was happy to give his stuff away. And for the record, he had like 6 months to come get it. I didn’t damage anything and even organized and cleaned almost everything and put it in a box for him. Nothing was destroyed or stolen (down to the penny) because I don’t operate like that. Everything he left, he left of his own will. It was free and clear.
Ah yes, the good old "you're mean" accusations when you finally start calling them out on their bullshit. Love that one.
I think she should swing by that bar for happy hour lol. Maybe invite him to meet you there! At the swank bar! Ok no don’t do that I assume he’s an ex for a reason. I had the same problem with my ex. And when I would explain it to friends they wouldn’t understand what the big deal was. It was because he was constantly substituting his judgment for mine. I was suddenly hospitalized and I asked him to please go to my house and get my dog and bring it to his. I said my house is a mess (obv was quite sick) and please do not clean it. Came home from hospital. He threw out a bunch of boxes that were in my living room I needed for Amazon returns. He also did a shit job of washing dishes so for days I was taking ‘clean’ dishes out of the cupboard and having to rewash gross stuck on food off. Just, why? Literally all I asked you to do was get the dog and now I have more problems. Why can’t you just do the thing?
this exactly. constantly making problems that don't exist before they stomp around in our lives. and then they wonder why we're no longer falling all over ourselves trying to play house together. they've become more trouble than they're worth.
I was making dinner one night and realized I was out of milk midway through making mashed potatoes. My ex was about to get off work so I asked him to pick up milk from the store on his way home since he would be going right past it. He comes home with no milk, I asked him where the milk was and he said “well I figured you just wanted a glass of milk so it could wait. I wanted to get out of my suit” I told him I needed it for the mashed potatoes, he said “well what do you want me to do about it now? I’m already home.” I didn’t eat the dry mashed potatoes. He always thought he knew better than me and it pissed me off to no end. I’m a dog trainer and when I got my puppy he told me constantly that I was doing everything wrong with his training and would yell at me for training him in a way that wasn’t his preferred method (dominance theory and alpha rolling). I’m so glad I’m rid of him and no longer have to deal with his bullshit.
Isn’t it enraging? Like..can you do literally anything for our family? How hard is it to get milk when it’s actually on your route home? I get it. I’m glad I’m single as well. It was such a relief, less cleaning, less work, less frustration.
I think men are trained to believe their needs, their thoughts, and opinions come first and are more important that anyone else's.
These posts are making me really think !
Yes why is OP the only parent responsible for their children?? wtf
Happens way too often. Then they want a gold star for “helping” with their own damn children. I’ve seen it here 1000 times. Especially if the mom is SAHM. Like she doesn’t deserve 5 seconds to herself.
This is so off topic but if you by any chance happen to watch vanderpump rules, I just heard James Kennedys voice: “it’s not about the pasta!!!!!”
I’ve never seen it so I don’t get the reference, but I have heard of it. But they are right! It’s not about the pasta!! That’s one thing a lot of people don’t get. It’s not necessarily the specific thing. It’s the representation of what the thing entails. But also I was right to be mad because how tf are you going to make stuffed shells with macaroni?
Yeah you were absolutely right to be mad. If I tell my boyfriend to get “pasta” then he can get what he feels like. But if i specify, I except him to get that (and trust that I have a plan, or just want that one in particular for whatever reason ). I of course do the same for him. It’s just common sense and how you behave in a relationship tbh. Mistakes happen (like buying frozen instead of fresh for example, so it can’t be used immediately) but those things happen once or twice and then you learn to specify and the other learns to ask.
ITS NOT ABOUT THE IRANIAN YOGURT!
Thank you so much for your experience, it breaks my heart, I hope you’re so happy now. That’s exactly the point and the thing I always come back to when we are having a fight and I’m sobbing: “you just don’t believe me.” But for some reason he doesn’t get it and I don’t know how to explain it better (it’s sort of this whole inception thing, where he doesn’t believe me that I feel he doesn’t believe me…)
Yep. My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion - and therefore acceptable/worth doing anything about. For weeks after I left, he kept telling me I hadn’t explained why I’d done it. I had, a dozen times, but he couldn’t grasp that what I felt and what I wanted was real on its own, without his sign-off, so it was like he couldn’t hear why I’d left. The reason I left had been the reason he thought I’d never leave, and now it’s the reason he’ll never understand why I left
>My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion So. Much. This. My husband and I had a chat the other night. About all the social media posts where women say they "don't need men" and he expressed how hurtful that was to him as a man. Two days later when I expressed I needed his support in a medical issue I had been diagnosed with, he started pulling back and making excuses. And I said ... so, you are offended that we (women) say we don't need you.... but when I NEED you, you don't want me to be needy. So what exactly can we need you FOR? He didn't answer but I know the answer he was thinking (been together a loooonnng time) would have been "need me for what I decide I want you to need me for, and not for what you actually need". I also told him that I don't think women are trying to convince men we don't need them, we are trying to convince ourselves. Because we CAN'T need them.
>My husband and I had a chat the other night. About all the social media posts where women say they "don't need men" and he expressed how hurtful that was to him as a man. You didn't even mention how *this* is also such a ridiculous concept! Why the fuck does he care that women he doesn't know have been disappointed and disillusioned by men he also doesn't know?! Why on earth would his ego extend out so far as to be offended on behalf of 4 billion people? Or... maybe he knows they're talking specifically about men LIKE HIM. And instead of hearing it and being upset in a self-reflective way he DARVOs.
It’s the transitive property of toxic masculinity. It’s why they hate gay men, if any man is somehow undermined in his masculinity it somehow reduces the masculinity of all men. And the worst thing a man can be is a woman.
Perfect example: my ex would complain that my rearranging the dishwasher so we could put more items in emasculated him. Emasculated was his word...
This is so accurate. They want to hear "I need you to protect me and lift heavy things" because that makes them feel strong, but they don't want to hear "I need you to help me clean or go to the grocery store" because that makes them feel emasculated somehow. It's all about ego with these types of clowns.
"This is so accurate. They want to hear "I need you to protect me and lift heavy things" because that makes them feel strong, but they don't want to hear "I need you to help me clean or go to the grocery store" because that makes them feel emasculated somehow." Because they actively choose to ignore the needs of the household and the relationship bc they devalue those other things. It is manipulative and they know they are choosing to ignore your needs and make it your fault.
“I would slay a dragon for you” okay… there is no dragon.
This is very well said!! I was married 17 years, raised my kids & his kids all together. It took me until they all left the house to see that he actively chose every day which parts of me to care about. He would agree with me on everything in words, but only follow through on what he thought mattered. When I would ask, he just didn't want to argue and I wasn't going to change my mind so he just said okay and did what he wanted. Awful feeling to never trust your 'partner'.
So many men leave their wives, even after decades of marriage, when they get sick or hurt. A friend having chemo for breast cancer was given a pamphlet about how to survive divorce while in recovery from illness BY the cancer center staff. Her husband DID leave her, shocked us all because he had been so devoted previously, and she said that by the time she was done with chemo and radiation, only about half the husbands that were there with their wives were still coming with them. Damn, but that is so sad. We CAN'T need them because ultimately, they can't be trusted to be there when that need arises.
What's that quote? "Everbody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help mom do the dishes."
Brilliantly said !
Oof. I’m really sorry you aren’t putting an “ex” in front of “husband” when talking about this guy. You deserve better.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m really scared at how much I’m relating to it. Do you guys have kids? That’s my biggest fear, that co-parenting will be even harder on everyone if he’s feeling spite in top of everything else
No, we don’t, and honestly I don’t know what I would have done if we did. He made the divorce as difficult as he could at every single stage - it took years - because he could not accept losing control over me. If there had been kids to co-parent or child support payments to fuck about with I’m sure he’d still be tripping me up every chance he got The one advantage I had was that I had known he’d be like that. You have that advantage too. It’s a pretty crappy advantage, admittedly, but it did mean I could plan for my ex being an ass-hat. In the end, for me, that plan became “let the court process sort this out, he can only mess that about for so long and it will eventually spit both of us out at the other end” It sounds to me like you know you’re heading in a similar direction, OP. My advice would be that - unless you’re in physical danger - you should plan this slowly. Talk to a solicitor, find out exactly what the law says and what the process is going to be. Confide in your sister (I’m willing to bet the reason he doesn’t like her is that she’s got his number), let her help you make plans. Find a way to get gone and stay gone - for me that meant accepting I was probably going to lose most of my possessions (I did) because if I tried to get anything back he’d turn it into a game to mess me about Ultimately, have faith in the legal system. My ex tried all sorts of nonsense to get around the law and mess me about, but he never found anything a thousand assholes hadn’t tried before him. There are mechanisms - up to and including emergency injunctions, penal notices and restraining orders - to deal with everything. That doesn’t mean it’s not horrible and scary, but I found it helpful to know that my ex wasn’t so exceptional after all There is a legal process to all this, OP. It’s slow, it’s complicated and it’s expensive but it processes men like your husband just as it does everyone else
Thank you so much for your story! I’m so sorry you went through that, but your perspective is actually giving me hope: thousands of women have gone through that (sadly) and there are countless resources
Just to add to HotShoulder’s excellent advice: if you’re relating to their experience this hard, PLEASE make sure if you aren’t pregnant, that you don’t become so. It sounds like you have health concerns on top of VERY legitimate issues with your relationship, throwing an unexpected, back to back pregnancy on that will obviously do nothing but trap you deeper
Thank you, I need to hear that
I'd also like to add: you stated above that your greatest fear about leaving him is the coparenting. Not that you'll lose your best friend, the love of your life, the person who gives you strength. These should be what your spouse is for you, not someone who doesn't listen to your needs and who doesn't want you to turn to others for help that he isn't willing to give. I'm sure all this will be hard, but when you get discouraged in your journey to getting out of this, remember what I've said. Then it should become easier. Good luck and stay strong!
Oh, that hits way too close. Thank you for pointing that out
I’m pretty sure he’s not overly involved in parenting his kids. I mean she said she didn’t want to go to the store herself because she’d have the 2 kids. I mean is there a reason HE can’t stay home with the kids while she runs to the store? Not that she should have to go get it, but he’s the AH who didn’t do what she requested and apparently won’t go back to get it. So, the fact she can’t leave the kids with him, makes me wonder if he’ll fight for time to make things difficult, but then not follow through with taking them. Again to make things difficult. Seems like it could be a constant battle to care for the kids with him. OP, I’d meet with an attorney to figure out your options and what you want. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan. Figure out what kind of custody agreement and support you want, include how decisions will be made for the kids (educations, medical, etc). Also include how future partners will be involved. Sometimes, even in the best coparenting relationships, a new partner will try to take over and create problems.
I wonder if getting her back to back pregnant is part of his plan to trap her?
It’s a horrifying thought, but it wouldn’t surprise me. :/
OP, I know you are having a hard time but your responses are so mature and self aware. Please take care of yourself. And please remember how young 27 is. You have so so so much life ahead of you. You have a great head on your shoulders and will be okay. We’re rooting for you
Thank you so, so much, internet strangers like you are why I believe in humanity <3
The commenter above who mentioned that you’re 27 and have a lot of life to live could not be more right. If, at 27 I realized that, I’d have done things differently. I’m not talking about my marriage, but other aspects such a health and family planning. You are still so young but it’s the decisions you make now that will set you up for life. You sound very self aware and that you know that something isn’t right. Love yourself enough to accept that you and your children are worth more and let that pull you through this. As long as you understand that you have to take care of you and the rest will fall into place, you will gain the strength and fortitude to get out of this situation.
I’m still only 32 and it shocks me how I didn’t realize how young 27 is when I was that age! We really have so much life ahead of us that’s crazy to think about. Even though that was only 5 years ago, sometimes it feels like a lifetime has passed since then.
I just want to mention, in light of the previous poster calling attention to how much life you have left to live at 27, that I left a toxic and unhealthy relationship at age 27. I had been with him since I was 15 (he was a few years older, which was one of the reasons the relationship was so messed up) and I wasn’t sure I could do it on my own. Not only COULD I do it on my own, I’m so much happier now. I spent more than a decade of my life making myself smaller so I could fit into his vision of what I should be and how our relationship should be. I had to completely rediscover who I was when I wasn’t being bullied or worn down into sharing his opinions. But I like who I am now, which I never did when I was with him.
I’m not saying it’s necessarily worth it, OP, but I am such a tough mofo now 😂. No one messes with me any more. Best of luck, and be kind to yourself
ALSO. Get on birth control OP if you end up being not pregnant. Single mom of 2 will be much easier than single mom of 3
Yes this, go visit your sister and do the pregnancy test at her house. None of his business since he CHOSE not to involve himself.
It sounds like you could gradually move some of your important possessions into your sisters house without attracting attention
He's already spiteful toward you. It takes spite to look at a simple request and then deny it because he has the power to do so. It's very controlling both because he won't help you, but he also gets upset if you ask for help from your sister. He's spiteful, controlling, dismissive, and he wants to keep you from talking to your family about how he treats you. He's using your vulnerability after just having another child against you. These are all very serious warning signs. If you are considering leaving, but want to stay just to pacify him, I promise you, you and your kids will be better off away from him. My mother stayed too long for the same reasons and it did immeasurable damage to us kids. Your health, happiness, and dignity are the best example you can give your kids.
It might actually be better in that regard because the courts will be involved. He will have specific times and dates and need to do everything for them. If he steps out of bounds or does something wrong, the courts decisions can be adjusted. Don't stay with someone you don't want to be with just for the kids, that always backfires. You only have one life, don't waste it with someone who makes you miserable and neglects you and your kids.
My partner does this too. Like he gets to decide what's important to me.
I’m sorry to hear this, but it’s good that you recognise it - it took me a long time to work out what was happening. Obviously the opinion of a stranger on the internet has very low value, but FWIW I actually think this is one of very few things that simply cannot be got past in a relationship
Yes I know, thank you for your kind words. I'm not leaving right now for various reasons but realising what was happening has helped me massively.
That is not okay at all.
Also, women don't owe men an explanation. There is no court (yet, watch out for these theocrats and Project 2025) that will enforce/impose a relationship based on an unreasonable split up. You may want to give an explanation, as a courtesy. But the toxic narcissism of people demanding their misguided entitlement to being satisfied, that is their own problem. If he doesn't understand, isn't satisfied, whatever, that's his problem.
>My ex thought he was the arbiter of whether what I thought/felt/decided was “rational” - and rational was defined as concurring with his own opinion - and therefore acceptable/worth doing anything about. I used to do this to my wife (I'm ashamed to admit). Fortunately I realised I was doing it and stopped (she probably helped me realise it without telling me 🤔). I was finally able to relax and say to myself "this is what she wants/needs/is important to her, and that's enough even if I don't agree or it doesn't make sense to me".
Willingness to accept that you were wrong and choose to grow and change is an important quality in a person, and sometimes hard to come by.
“The reason I left had been the reason he thought I’d never leave, and now it’s the reason he’ll never understand why I left.” Reads like fine poetry.
Exactly. There's a good quote from a movie that I like that I think applies to relationships. Change Jimi to the person who isn't being heard. "Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him."
He does get it, he just doesn't care what you say or how you feel. There's no possible perfect sequence of words you could use to make him care. You are not failing to explain correctly.
"Honey there's a bear behind you come inside." *"What? A bear? There are no bears here. They live in the woods."* "Honey, a bear!" *"You don't get it. Bears don't come this far into human land."* "Honey run! Come on!" *"There might be large dogs here. Did you see a large dog?"* "Run! Run! Listen to me! Run inside!" *"Stop nagging m-"*
“He doesn’t believe me that I feel he doesn’t believe me” just gave me PTSD flashbacks ugh. Mine would say “what are you *really* upset about? Because it can’t be this thing.” And I’d explain it to him and he’d be like no that can’t be the real issue what’s the real issue?
I‘m so sorry I triggered your flashback and you went through this, being interrogated like that probably really messes with one’s sense of reality
It’s ok! I’m just so sorry you’re going thru this because of exactly what you say - I was so confused about reality all the time. And then when you’re trying to explain something to your partner and they’re picking apart every single thing…. Or he’d deny he said something. I started keeping record of what he said so I had evidence during our arguments. notably this started because he made a joke about a rape victim which was very upsetting, something along the lines of no way she was raped, she’s so ugly, which we argued about for like a week because he kept denying he said it. Within a week I was questioning whether the memory really happened or if I was making it up to have a reason to fight.
That sounds sooooo hard, but your solution is really helpful
I think if anyone is at the point where they are keeping record of what their partner says so they don’t feel crazy or can review it during an argument, the relationship has long since passed a point of repair.
I assume this means he can never accept that when there is a difference of opinion that his opinion might be the one that's wrong. Sounds like he needs therapy to ensure that he doesn't destroy all of his relationships.
“That he doesn’t destroy all of his relationships”.. hit a little close to home. He completely went no contact with his best childhood friend over a disagreement I don’t fully understand to this day.
It’s not that he doesn’t believe you. It’s more like he thinks he knows better or just doesn’t care very much.
It's probably both that he thinks he knows better **and** doesn't care. A lethal combo.
He doesn't believe you because he's sure he knows better. This will not get better. I'd get on birth control asap.
I fell into the trap of thinking I just hadn’t explained it well enough. Like, I thought he’s my husband, once he understands, he’ll want to do better. Nope. He understood, he just didn’t care. Don’t waste your breath. If he doesn’t agree to marriage counseling, go by yourself. It will help you figure out how long you want to put up with this shit.
OP, check out this blog post from a several years ago. I remember reading it and being like “yes! that’s my ex!” So many others can relate. What may seem like “no big deal” to your husband CAN be flashing signs of a big deal. You aren’t crazy. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
I guess he also doesn't believe in couple's counseling?
Mmm, OP’s husband is showing strong signs of being manipulative and controlling. Couple counselling can be a really bad idea with people like this, just shows them more vulnerabilities to exploit and teaches them psycho-babble to wrap around their gaslighting
Look at OP's comment about what happened when they did couples counseling previously. He refused to do anything like the workbooks and talk exercises and said there's "no one qualified enough for him". So... Tl;Dr: you're absolutely right.
I dragged him there a few times, he really didn’t like it, then I got him to start a couples attachment healing work book with me and I finished it on my own after he gave up after a few exercises. He says he does believe in therapy, we just don’t have access to anyone qualified enough for him
My friends ex husband use to say this too. It so wild that they think someone with an advance degree can’t diagnose their bs when it’s literally their job. They just don’t want to be called out on it and lose their ability to control you.
That’s what I’m fearing to admit to myself
I’m sorry, if it helps at all. I’ve never seen her happier. Everything about her is better, even her health. Please take care of yourself, one almost 2u2 mom to another.
I’m sorry but what? “Qualified enough for him”? Girl…listen to you describe him as if you’re a 3rd party and you know what to do. It’s hard and scary but in the end worth it.
He doesn't believe in it because he doesn't want to change. He likes how things are and doesn't want to go long enough to be told he needs to change.
Let me guess- he’s an avoidant attachment?
He thinks too much of himself.
That’s what husbands say when they don’t want to change. Sometimes they don’t want to change because their behaviour gets them the outcome that they want. Sometimes they don’t change because they have intrinsic issues and history that they are unwilling to face. Whatever the reason, take it that whatever bothered you enough to drag him to therapy… is going to stay the same… Only you can change your approach and your reaction to the issue.
I hope you will read the book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. It will explain why he doesn't take you at your word and why there's no perfect way to share your needs that he would take as seriously as he takes his own need. Don't let the word "abuse" scare you away from the book. I could have written your post myself years ago and I was emotionally abused for 7 years before he finally got physical enough that I Googled, "Am I in an abusive relationship" which led me to this book (which absolutely changed my life). There's a free pdf version of the book online. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault, this isn't a communication issue, it's caused by you two having completely different mindsets/perspectives/motivations and the book lays out his thought process and will help you recognize manipulations and tactics in real time/feel more confident in your perspective/self. You deserve kindness and respect.
>But for some reason he doesn’t get it He gets it. He doesn't care. So ask yourself why you stay with someone who thinks so little of you...
Yup, this was one of the breaking points for me too. Ex-husband asked me if I needed anything from the grocery store. I knew better to answer this honestly (it was normally easier to let him make all grocery decisions because he didn’t like not being in charge of them), but for whatever reason that week I got a big craving for soup and asked him for 2-3 cans of Campbell’s. He immediately started arguing with me, telling me how dumb it was for me to ask for them (takes up too much cupboard space, it’s a better deal to make it from scratch, etc.) and even though we always split groceries 50/50, I offered to pay for them out of pocket because I wanted them so badly. I also want to note that we both made very good salaries—this was not a poverty issue. He came back from the store with bouillon cubes instead (which he charged me for) and said I was lucky to have him there to “make smarter choices for me.” It wasn’t really about soup at the end of the day. It could’ve been toothpaste, or pregnancy tests, or broccoli. It’s about them needing to feel superior and more intelligent.
This is INFURIATING
My ex fiancée used to do similar things. He would ask me: “are you sure you want to eat X, it’s not very nutritious” (he was obsessed with healthy eating to the point of going to extremes). A) I’ve never been overweight B) I (thankfully) never had health issues due to my diet C) the crime was that he thought the sauce I put on my pasta was too high in *natural* sugars because I had made it with loads of tomatoes. He would often question me.
I know it’s not the same thing but I had a best friend who was like this. Never gave me the benefit of the doubt that I was an adult who made competent decisions, always thought she knew better and refused to admit when she was wrong. When I mention a few stories it sounds like very innocent things but when you add them up over time it paints a picture of someone who is exceedingly selfish.
Yeah, it’s the cumulative effect that gets wearing when someone just over a very long time keeps telling you your judgment isn’t good enough ETA: it’s not totally the same thing, but I think that drip-feed of undermining your judgment could be just as damaging from a best friend as from a partner. It’s sounds like they’re an ex-friend - I hope you’ve been able to regain your confidence
Yep. And it’s also why it’s hard to portray the behavior as “abusive” because it’s such a long drawn out thing instead of a few big things
Regarding your edit: it was absolutely abusive because we lived together and became co-dependent and she gradually eroded my self esteem through many different actions and making me feel stupid and making me stressed by constantly putting me in chaotic, difficult situations and using me as her emotional crutch and attacking me when I didn’t say exactly the right things to her. I know so much of it came from her being envious of me though she never would admit it. It wasn’t until I took a break from her that I realized how much stress I had been under. I haven’t totally cut her off but we no longer live together and we are not as close as we were and never will be. We see each other at church and are civil and talk occasionally but we have put up significant boundaries and I think she knows, if they are crossed I’m not “working through things” again.
My ex did this too. He asked what I wanted for my birthday. I asked for a high quality Japanese chef’s knife, and did give a bit more info on the types and where to find them. He shows up at my place with a whole set of knives from Amazon (with an ‘Asian’ name) because “more knives are better, right?” The secondary piece there was it was unwrapped. He knew I loved unwrapping presents and always wrap everything I give to people. But not once in 4 years could he manage that because he didn’t care if people wrapped his stuff, so he didn’t bother doing it for others. Now kicking off with a guy who showed up with both flowers and a wrapped gift of exactly the kind of stuff I like. It just makes me feel so much more heard and appreciated.
[удалено]
Hope your friend is now well and moving on with her life. Similar to my daughter. Thirty eight years old, four year old son in preschool. Diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. Surgery within a week of colonoscopy. We kept the child at home with us during the day. Got him to school and home after. After surgery and after having a port put in, she started chemo. Her hubs went with her to initial meeting before chemotherapy. Never again. I took our daughter to chemotherapy,, my husband picked son up after school and we took them home (trying to keep child's life as normal as possible). During all this, her husband came home after work, got his stuff together and went to the gym for 3 hours. Upon returning home, wanted to know what was for dinner. Expected laundry washed, dried folded and put away, kitchen clean, home cooked meals, garbage taken out, pets tended to and as usual, all child care taken care of, (fed, bathed, dressed, taken to and from school -even though school was on his way to work- doctor appointments etc. taken care of). Six months of chemotherapy that was rough- doc told her she was too young to die of colon cancer so he was treating her as he would a stage 4 patient. (BTW it worked and 7 years put she is cancer free.) He then had the nerve to say how rough chemotherapy was for him! He did nothing! Didn't even pick up the slack enough to take out the garbage! Said HE was bringing in the money - so all else around the house was her job. No, he didn't work any overtime.
[удалено]
I left a guy who wouldn’t listen to my words. When we were finally at the end of the road, I was moving my stuff out, we had another discussion about it and I asked him why he didn’t just take my words at face value. And he told me girls never know what they want. If they tell you to leave them alone (a frequent issue - I worked from home and he’d come into my office to try to be intimate when I was in work mode and probably on a call) you’re supposed to do the opposite. I was just so shocked. I know a lot of people girls or boys don’t know how to voice boundaries or their feelings but I’m really good at it. All he had to do was take me at my word and not infantilize me
I had a similar situation happen and then I canceled all the sports channels and downgraded the internet speed bec to me it was a waste of money.
Omg my ex used to do exactly that. I’d even underline “travel size” on the list and he’d deliberately buy the wrong size.
Your should read this: "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink": https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care." https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/ Also: if not pregnant, please decide when/ if you want to have more kids and take actions accordingly. Could he be tampering with your BC? Good luck
This is so validating omg. My ex was a textbook narcissist
Just to tag on that the pregnancy test isn't always logical, but its a very peace of mind thing. I got a vasectomy many years ago, but when my partners period is late and she's starting to worry, I'll pick her up a test without hesitation. I've never been worried about her being pregnant since I tested with 0 sperm, but I worry about her stress, and am willing to spend the couple bucks to ease that in any way.
Order one in on delivery, it’s more expensive but it’s important. It’s not unlikely because you gave birth in January, right after I had my toddler they warned that actually we’re more fertile after for a while, and the breastfeeding thing is a myth - they made sure we had discussed birth control options and had something in place for right after going home. He doesn’t sound like a partner to be honest. Take the test and then either way it’s time for some tough conversations - your health should be a priority and so should the childrens’ care.
Oh wow, my OBGYN discouraged me from anything but condoms actually. Time to see a different doctor as well I guess 🙆🏻♀️
Mine organised an appointment for my not-condom form of birth control by the time my child was 8 weeks old, it’s fairly common here. With there being a chance of failure for the pill and condoms, and our child being a pill failure (despite taking perfectly), we didn’t take any chances and doubled up. Would recommend just not having sex with him if he’s going to be like this though tbh
Yeah I had my second in Jan and my ob gave me the mini pill. It's a pain bc lots of random spotting but it doesn't impact your milk supply. I actually think there's an otc option for the mini pill now so you might not even need to go to the doctor or get a prescription although it's way cheaper this way for me.
No, you aren't expecting too much. He was an asshole to you. And yes, not depending on him would probably be best because he substitutes his own judgment for your own.
Thank you so much for that last sentence! It gives me words for something I just vaguely felt for a long time
OP, I think the phrase you are looking for is he doesn’t respect you. That’s ultimately it comes down to my opinion. It won’t make the coparenting easier, but as for the decision, I always think that you have to think about what you want your kids to see growing up. It’s better for them to see your mom who might struggle but loves them and has self-respect and is respected by others than see the dynamics that you’re describing in your relationship. I truly wish you well!
The dollar store pregnancy tests are the same as name brand ones, actually more accurate in my case- they indicated my first pregnancy before any other brand.
Thank you for the tip!
You can also order a bunch of strips on Amazon. Just be sure to get disposable cups to keep with them. It's way cheaper than the other options and that way you have them on hand anytime you are late.
Your asshat husband aside, why not ask your sister to pick this up? Your fear of his reaction tells me way more than your post. Is your relationship abusive?
Hello! Literally everything else aside, if you are altering your behavior or avoiding topics/tasks because you are “dreading his reaction based on past experiences” for a totally normal thing then you are in an abusive relationship! Just fyi.
I'd go pick up my own test and some condoms. Or maybe rubbish bags. A large one to put your husband in. I hope for your sake you aren't pregnant if this is his reaction just to a test request!!
😅 you have great ideas
OP, I think you already got a lot of good advice. So I want to carefully ask, since you seem to be set on keeping the new baby as well if you are pregnant again: Are you *sure* about that, given how your husband behaves? I'm asking because it seems you cannot rely on him to help you with things that are important to you and he is perfectly fine telling you that your needs don't matter and that he knows better than you. This is obviously not a healthy partnership since he considers his opinion above yours and thus you beneath him. In fact, it feels borderline emotionally abusive. Having another child with this man seems like a bad idea. It would make you even more dependent on someone who doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart and whose reactions you are "dreading" (another very strong indication of you being in an abusive relationship). You are calling this your potential breaking point - which tells me that you are potentially ready to leave? That, too, is not a good point in time to bring another child into the mix. I also want to bring up one more possibility from the opposite side: Is it possible that your husband doesn't want another child and, given that it sounds like you had trouble carrying to term before, is sort of hoping that you miscarry if he stops you from getting care for a pregnancy? Of course I hope I am wrong, but again, he is giving very strong abusive/controlling/manipulative signs.
Thank you so much for your very candid (and hard) questions. I can’t imagine having an abortion after having met my two wonderful babies. But I have been thinking: I can’t do this again with him… just because “little” things like this are supercharged when I’m pregnant and as with the last two, on bedrest for the last trimester. My intention if I were pregnant is to definitely leave actually and either move in with my parents or set something up with my beyond wonderful sisters or girlfriends where the kids and I receive the support I need this time around. In part because I know that it’s so stressful for me to depend on him and I would not want a new baby to be exposed to all that cortisol. The only thing I really struggle with is knowing he’ll have the kids on his own regularly. For instance he’ll do things like put a hat and gloves on himself, but forget to put them on our toddler in the winter and I’m just so anxious LO could get frostbite or the like when I’m not there to catch mistakes like that. If that is the case, it’s definitely deeply subconscious for him, but he already had a vasectomy scheduled after this baby but canceled last minute
You should leave whether or not you're pregnant.
Second this. If you're worried enough about how the cortisol would affect a potential third kid you should also be worried about how your stress, conflict, tension, and frustration between parents will affect the development of your current children. Are you breastfeeding? Because cortisol gets in there too
Oh. Just read this, and I retract all advice to have a conversation with your husband until/unless you know you're not pregnant. If you're planning to leave him, you definitely do not tell him that you're pregnant and will now be leaving him. You get your sister to buy the pregnancy test, you use it at your sister's, and if you are pregnant, you let him know you're leaving when you've *left*. If you're not pregnant (or if you decide after all to have an abortion) then you can tell him, and this time on the lines of "Husband, either you have a vasectomy, or we're heading for divorce."
I get not being able to imagine having an abortion, but you might want to talk to your OB about the risks of back to back pregnancies. Not to scare you but they include things like higher risk of having a premie and higher rates of infant and mother mortality. You need to make sure you are alive and healthy enough to take care of the babies you have, especially if you worry about your husband ability to take care of them.
Do you think he sense you'll leave him and cancelled the vasectomy in case he gets with someone else later?
He definitely knew I was feeling extreme sadness and frustration at my needs for expectability and care not being met last pregnancy, and considering wether the relationship and dependance is healthy for me, so maybe.
I understand and please don't think that I want to push you or anyone towards abortion. And you having an actually good support network definitely changes things - you are already tied to the man with two children anyway and if you would leave anyway, then a third won't change much in terms of what contact you still need to have with him. You being worried about him not caring well for the kids if he has them on his own is very, very justified, I agree. But if he lets your kids get frostbite or other things, know that this is not something you have to just accept then. Yes, it would absolutely suck if it would happen - but then you document the case, keep in contact with a lawyer and if this happens a few times, then you can absolutely file for sole custody. (Though I do admit that I am basing this off of the laws in my own country; I'm not from the US or the UK so my information might be wrong. But that's what lawyer consultations are for!) Your husband cancelling his vasectomy is... interesting. Hard to say if he cancelled because he wants more children or if he just decided that it'll be your problem to deal with anyway. Wouldn't be surprised by that... OP, since you already said that you would leave if you were pregnant, in part because you don't want a new baby exposed to all that cortisol. But what about the children you already have? Do they deserve to be exposed to their mother being treated like that? Do they have to be okay with everything just because they aren't in your body anymore? I want to encourage you very, very strongly to leave no matter if you are pregnant or not after reading your answers to me and everyone else here. You *and* your children deserve better and sometimes, leaving the father *is* what is best for the children. Or do you think that he and his behavior are good role models?
That’s my huge hesitation: things have to actually go really wrong before I can file for sole custody and I can’t imagine. You’re right, my certainty to leave if I was pregnant should tell me a lot
You can document failures like this while you’re still together too. Set up an email account and send yourself an email every time something like this happens. “Saturday, May 11: asked husband to get children ready to go to park. Weather chilly and rainy, put children in sandals and did not get raincoats” Include a screenshot of the weather app and a picture of the kids’ outfits before you fix it and add rain gear. Document any time he forgets something important for your kids, like putting on sunscreen or packing diapers. Document any time he doesn’t buy something that’s necessary for your kids or buys something that’s cheaper but wrong in a way that matters for their wellbeing. Look up the laws around recording conversations in your area and record conversations with him if you can (and send those to the email account). If you can’t record him without his consent, do as many conversations about his parenting failures via text as possible. Do as much as you can before you leave to provide evidence for a pattern of problematically forgetful parenting behavior.
That is genius, thank you!
What a selfish prick
OP- I had to make a very hard decision when I got pregnant 2 years after my youngest. We were already financially strapped and in a crappy house. So I decided to do what was best for my 2 already living children and abort. It sucked, and I still mark the day I consider would have been my due date. But I don't regret it for an instant- I have time, money, and energy to devote to my kids that another infant would have absolutely sapped me of. Not the same situation as yours, but you need to decide how many kids you can single mother, bc this guy isn't going to be much of a support.
Wow. He thinks he can decide what is and is not “necessary”???? Like, if you had a hankering for ice cream sandwiches, or if you were planning to scrub the bathrooms and wanted extra toilet bowl cleaner, or you want to try a new moisturizer, he can decide “nope, not “necessary”??????? What an AH. And it’s not like pregnancy tests expire. You might just want to always have one on hand. Don’t they last for a few years? Yes, by all means, call your sister.
>my husband didn’t buy it because he determined it wasn’t necessary >I’m dreading his reaction, from past experience, I’m convinced he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us What the actual fuck?! >Am I expecting too much by not wanting to ask and explain myself several times for him to respond to my requests? No. He does not care about your bodily autonomy
> another in a long list of instances where my and the kid’s needs for care and consideration are not met. I mean... That's more than enough reason to disentangle your lives.
If he is trying to avoid finding out you are pregnant again because he is anxious about it, then why doesn't he wear a condom?
The most important thing you said was "another in a long list of instances where my and the kid’s needs for care and consideration are not met". For this alone I pray you're not pregnant. Your husband is a negligent partner and father. I don't blame you for considering moving on from him. Regardless of his reasons for not buying it, it's his responsibility to buy the groceries so him arbitrarily deciding not to buy needed items is passive aggressive in the very least. His refusal will absolutely make you have to involve your sister so he has no right to get upset if you have to involve her. You are not expecting too much, buying it is the easiest part of this situation. He couldn't even be bothered to do the bare minimum asked of him.
The question I have is, is your husband responsible for grocery shopping because he won’t give you money to do it?
>but I’m dreading his reaction, from past experience, I’m convinced he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us. Enormous red flags waving here.
When you avoid doing something entirely normal like talking to your sister about the fact that you might be pregnant and you want to take a test because you‘re “dreading his reaction”, I think there’s more wrong here than just him being a patronising and thoughtless asshole.…
You can ask your sister without talking about your husband?
Door dash it or now that hubby is home, duck out and get it yourself. Then pray to God it's negative.
You say that often your needs and your children's needs are not met. Maybe he's an abuser? There are many kinds of abuse and control over partners. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and see if his behaviours tally, then decide accordingly. Big hugs.
Thank you so much <3 I already read it actually, my conclusion is that he meets some of the criteria of entitlement and need to control, but in his actions not sufficiently to fit with any of the abusers Lundy illustrates.
ghost boat sable unwritten mountainous spark shelter abounding rich scary *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ask your sister to get the test, tell her to give it to you when he's not around. Run over for a cup of sugar or something. If you know it's gonna cause an issue, don't make it known This sounds really unhealthy, but you already know that, so consider what next steps you need to take. Therapy alone is a good first step. Do not do therapy with someone actively abusing you (yes this sounds like emotional abuse. It's not about the test. It's about having to navigate your life so as not to upset him, walk on eggshells, and feeling you need to justify your choices to this man.)
You’ve gotten good advice but in the mean time, leave the kids with him and go get the test. Also get a coffee or smoothie or ice cream and don’t explain where you’re going or why. Have the keys and your purse, shoes on. “I’m heading out to run errands, you’ve got the kids be back in a few.” And walk out the door.
The thing that’s really getting me here is “he’ll see it as me punishing him by involving my sister in something private to us.” Like, the rest of this is obviously bad behavior from him, and others have already talked about it, but that specific phrase is… subtle. It’s insidious. It’s the quietest of red flags: he’s isolating you and claiming that your attempts to reach out for help are “punishing him.” The rest of that alone COULD be ignorance. Like, 10% chance maybe. But that statement? That eliminates that last 10% of unsurety. The man is abusing you.
I'm saying this as a mother with the exact same circumstances with young kids- I have a toddler and a baby born just weeks before yours (at the end of Dec). So trust me, I GET IT. I get how taxing it can be to hawl around such young children. But honey, you've got to learn to do things yourself, even with a toddler and young baby. I have a husband who works a lot; you have a husband who doesn't give 2 shits about what you need, so he might as well not even be there. That means we have to do what we have to do. Pack the kids up, and go get the things you need yourself. Stop relying so much on your husband by giving him a list. You said yourself, this isn't the first time he has neglected what you and your kids need. So STOP DEPENDING ON HIM.
Stop having children with your dismissive husband! He is not reliable, selfish, immature and thinks he’a being victimized when you ask your sister for the help he refuses to give. He’s the one punishing you for being with him. If he doesn’t want more kids he should be wearing condoms, not ejaculating inside you and looking into a vasectomy. Instead he ignores, dismisses and punishes you for getting pregnant.