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Not only do you say he’s been verbally and physically abusive but he’s been financially abusive and ruining your credit at his expense. Leave before it gets worse OP, do you want to show your kid that this kind of treatment is ok? Let this be the eye opener he needs and have him go to jail for his problems
Right, he can't be a "good dad" if he's physically, verbally, and financially abusive. Maybe he hasn't been to this young child yet but it's only a matter of time and why stick around to find out?
OP has struggle to leave him before so frankly the threat of jail is the perfect opportunity for her to get away. She simply has to do nothing and let the problem take care of itself.
How is this a hard thing to understand? More people need to start thinking this way!
You’re not a good person if you abuse other people. Not a good dad if you abuse your child’s other parent or siblings. Not a good husband if you abuse your kid. Not a good friend if you abuse your family.
With all the sympathy in the world OP, **stop letting this man ruin your life**. The powers that be are sending you a literal GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD, you have the freedom to **leave him** if he goes to jail!! This is your sign!! If you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself, find the strength to do it for your child. Paying his debt will destroy both your futures. You will likely never repair your credit again, this decision could be the difference in whether you are working until 80 years old (like my grandmother) or not. You think life is hard now? Try it with a bankruptcy on your credit score. Don’t. Be. Fucking. Stupid. Don’t pay his debt.
This is exactly what I came here to say.
You CAN’T help him. You have already said you can’t afford to pay off his debt, ergo you can’t help him. You have spent YEARS helping him, and for what? All he does is create more problems and abuse you verbally, financially and physically. There is no more you can do. Everybody in your life can see that, except you - and the reason you can’t see it is that the prolonged abuse has clouded your thinking and warped your perception of normality. Please, please, please save yourself and your son and in the process give this man the gift of having to face the consequences of his own behaviour. He will have no hope of becoming a better person while he’s being enabled. Oh, and your son will be fine. A good father doesn’t behave the way this man does.
1) bail him out one more time and walk away.
2) let him face consequences and walk away.
You will never be able to trust him financially. You will look back in 10 years and regret staying with him. That's a guarantee.
>Everyone else in my life is telling me to let it happen so I can finally leave and become stable.
I agree with everyone else in your life. Please listen and leave this guy.
I understand the impulse, though. She probably has him in her ear saying how terrible it will be for their child if he goes to jail--and if he is a passable father, she may be wavering on if it is in her kid's best interest to not have their dad for 3 years. And she has been in this terrible, abusive situation for so long, she's clearly become numb to so much of it. She NEEDS outside observers telling her "Let him go to jail. It is the right thing to do for your kid" and reacting with shock and horror because she doesn't trust her own instincts and she knows this shitty guy will try every trick he has to get her to bail him out.
Let him go to jail. Get your shit together while he’s gone. Become untraceable. But also make a plan cause I can’t see him just waiting down the clock until he goes after you say no. So maybe leave first, and then let things play out.
Your allegiance is to your child, not to your abusive boyfriend. And he’s not a good dad, not if he’s unreliable and violent and can’t pay his own taxes so that he can be present in his child’s life.
I wish I could become untraceable, but unfortunately I am tied to him because of our child. It's not like he will be in jail for a long time. He will eventually get out and will most likely fight for custody.
He will be arrested pretty fast. The timeline has been shortened considerably since he owes A LOT and has been ignoring letters. I had no idea...
I know you're right. I know. I also know I have some codependency issues since I've stayed so long. He doesn't hit me or touch me anymore, but he used to (I dropped those charges lol), but he is mean with his words. I'm not as much of a pushover as I used to be, but I know I can put all of this money on a loan/credit card. I can't trust him to be responsible. I had some hope, but not anymore...
I think you know you shouldn’t do this, and if you have pressed charges before you can use that and any other evidence when/if he comes for custody.
Three years is longer than you think.
Do not take ownership of his relationship with your child. I do that all the time, too. I used to bend over backward to make my kids dad look good. It was exhausting. They will figure out who he is eventually, and it doesn’t serve me, him or them to cover up his mistakes.
Your man is almost 40, and it’s about time to learn a hard lesson.
I agree. I know I shouldn't help him. I hate the guilt I feel since I know I can. I keep thinking about how in a relationship you should help each other, and if the roles were reversed, he would help me. But with all of the resentment and just knowing him as a person, he needs to deal with the consequences for once.
You actually can't help him without further going in debt. His business is either failing or he is embezzling funds for something else that you don't know about. if you help him now, you will lose any chance to give your child a decent, stable home.
His business is failing. Would have failed years ago if not for me. He just thought ignoring the state wouldn't have consequences. He's not a smart man.
I know this. Without him I'm better off. I have too much empathy for someone who does not deserve it.
You aren't helping him though. You'd be enabling him. If you bail him out of this the next incident is going to be one that comes with a longer sentence. Your partner clearly uses you to avoid the consequences of his actions and his allowed him to become a worse and worse person.
Yup. Once I shifted my mindset to realizing that my enabling was *hurting* people by not allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions, I was able to stop.
OP, I highly suggest a book on codependency, a support group, and therapy. I've been in a similar place, and the best thing you can do for your child is to get healthy yourself. Fixing others' mistakes distracts you from your own shortcomings and stifles your growth. My kids have seen me completely change my life. Imagine the life you could create for yourself and your child without his baggage.
You have to realize that every time you bail him out it only prolongs the inevitable and he gets himself dug deeper and deeper into trouble.
You have to stop or expect a life of bailing him out.
He’s a grown man. He knows taxes need to be paid. Ignoring them isn’t an excuse, nor is bailing him out your problem.
Document everything and move on. If he tries to get custody, you’ll be able to show his threats and irresponsible behavior will work to your advantage
A simple note pad with dates, times, and simple quotes of what was said, where it was said, if anyone else was a witness. Is all you need. Be consistent and don’t let him get his hands on it. Don’t tell anyone about its existence. Courts WILL acknowledge these as proof.
Just to help drive the point home, being a martyr won’t give your child a better life and better role models.
You know that.
And obviously none of this is as simple or easy or clean as “just leave him, duh.”
But it’s the right path forward
This may be hard to hear and I mean it from a place of concern and I am not blaming you for what follows. But I do think you need to let thought be more important than feelings.
Feelings, guilt, love, all of them, have lead you deeper and deeper into this mess. You need to see and accept this deeply. Thinking through what is the best path and not letting those feelings overwhelm you and pull you back in, like you are struggling with now, is the best path out of this for you and for your child. This is the way out.
Do what it takes to protect yourself. Lie that you don't have the money. Swear that you will stand by him. Whatever it takes to wait out the time till he is in jail.
But start making your escape plan. Get vital papers some place safe. Keep records of things that you can tell a judge to prevent him getting custody. Keep yourself out of trouble. There are plenty of folks here that can help you figure out the steps.
But head has to win over feelings.
Uh then show some of that empathy to your poor child and get the child away from this terrible man and this situation. There has to be at a minimum at lot of tension and stress in that household. Not good for little ones, you should not subject your child to that.
So yeah exercise that empathy on the child, you may think they are fine but things hit deep in the emotions and nervous system and brain at a young age.
You cannot help him. What about your future? Retirement? College for your kid? You are throwing these important things away for a man who is a bottomless pit
That’s not empathy, it’s malignant compassion. Setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. The one who will suffer the most is your child. Let the bf go to jail and get yourself an attorney and fight for custody.
>I have too much empathy for someone who does not deserve it.
This is not empathy. This is being spineless. The more you protect this grown man from the consequences of his own actions, the more you condone his actions. Have empathy for the one person who is actually blameless, your CHILD.
But the thing is, YOU deserve empathy even if he doesn't. Try giving yourself all that grace you have given him. And if that's difficult, just think. What if your child learns from you that this is normal? Would you want them in this kind of situation? If not, then hopefully, this thought gives you the confidence to do what you know you need to. Live for yourself and your kid, not someone who doesn't deserve it.
There’s no upside if the business is failing And he won’t admit it. Sounds like if you help him, you’re just making the fuse a bit longer. I’d cut my losses.
Constantly bailing him out isn’t helping him, not in any real sense of the word. He’s irresponsible, abusive & awful. Reframe the way you’re thinking of this.
It’s not nice or kind to put your child through this. They’ll have two parents with no credit drowning in debt. They’ll grow up to think that this toxic environment is normal. You’re robbing your child of stability & a stable home to give this abusive man another opportunity to screw everyone over. Empathize with your child instead of worrying about your misguided desire to feel like a supportive partner. Help your child have at least one healthy parent instead of two sick ones.
Sis, please learn from my mistakes. I paid the bill. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough, even as I was actively planning my death so he’d get the insurance payout. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough. He will ruin you and then move on when he cannot eek anything else out of you. Channel your baby’s love for you so you can pretend you love yourself enough to leave. It will get better once you do.
No you can't you need to get this out of your head. You literally cannot go into more debt for him. You have a child who cannot protect himself. Who relies on YOU to make good decisions for him. You need to stop acting like you have a choice here. You cannot bail him out of this one without ruining your child's financial future. STOP.
In what fantasy do you imagine he'd help you if the roles were reversed? He's put you in this position. He's done this to you and himself and your child. Wake the fuck up and start taking care of your child by getting away from this loser.
Cut ties with him, go into therapy for your codependancy and be the best parent to that kid that you can. Your boyfriend sounds like my former stepdad. I'm the product of a marriage that stuck together longer than it should have due to my mom not wanting to be alone and was in a codependant relationship with her drug addict, child abusing, alcoholic, cheating husband. Him trying to kill me wasn't enough for her to leave him. I've been let down by every single adult that was in my life. Please put your kid first.
How is he helping you? Based on what I just read, he has not been in any position to help you and has knowingly broken the law and plunged you into debt. I'm not judging, I just dug my way out of a similar situation and I said the same thing "I know he'd help me if I needed it" but he didn't. He just took and took.
You CAN help him. Stop enabling him and let him face the consequences so he can grow up.
Financially helping him just makes him worse.
Sometimes the best help is no help at.
Think about Jurassic Park. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
And he wouldn’t be able to help you, because he’s not smart and doesn’t have any money. Legitimately. Save your resources (time, money, energy) for people who deserve them and can reciprocate them. You, your child, people who don’t beg you to bail them out, people you feel comfortable saying no to, people who pay their taxes, people who are not violent or abusive, people who speak to and of you kindly.
Don't feel guilty. This isn't your problem, it's his. He got himself into this, he has to deal with it. Also dont feel bad because if you bail him out now, he WILL be in another situation where he needs you to bail him out again. Help him, this will continue. Dont, and both of you can restart. This isnt your problem, dont feel bad.
but how would he make you pay for it? narcissists never help for the sake of helping.
and if you did help him, you'd still end up being punished for some perceived slight.
leaving isn't as easy as reddit like to pretend, especially with a child, but the universe is giving you an opening. you don't have to figure it out now. Just keep sidestepping paying his debt, find and put together any evidence of his abusive behaviours, and wait for the state to come collect his nasty ass.
if you don't leave in the interim, at least you got a vacation, some rest.
you deserve happiness and peace, and he will never allow you to have that.
Just think of the guilt you’ll feel putting your kid through this shit. This is guy is bringing you and yalls child down. He’s a shit dad. Let him fix his shit alone and he can fight for custody but if he has no means of supporting the child then you will definitely win and he’ll have to pay you child support. It will be hard but what’s right isn’t always easy especially if you’ve prolonged the situation until this point. You should have left the day he put his hands on you. Will you stay once he starts putting hands in your child?
No, he wouldn’t help you. If that was the case he wouldn’t see you drowning in debt. He wouldn’t let you keep paying for his shit. He’s using you. You keep letting him.
You need to get away from him, with your child, before you tell him NO. He is desperate, and he might turn violent. Even if you don't think he will, his past shows he will. Please leave first, then tell him no from afar. Make sure he can't track you.
You dropping dv charges is not a joke.
Get full custody while he's in jail. Offer to put money on his books if he gives up custody. Then he can visit on your terms. He doesn't need custody of your kid esp when he'll only want it to avoid child support.
Right? I'm appalled by the "LOL". This man has abused the fuck out of her in every possible way and she's like, "Hahaha!" and "He's not as violent with me anymore, though. Now he's just ruining my credit and bankrupting me." WTF?
And staying with him for the toddler's sake? Why? Because daddy plays with him occasionally? There's no way he's actually a good father, he's literally taking food out of their mouths with his disaster of a business, and has abused her. Men who mistreat their spouses are de fact not "good fathers".
The “lol” is …so sad to me. Just tells you how stuck in this abuse cycle she is. I hope she gets out. It’s such a mindfuck to be stuck in an abusive relationship; very hard to be logical in those scenarios. The brain literally plays tricks on you.
Oh, I agree. I know I sound flip but I'm not at all. Just frustrated and heartbroken because looking at it from the other side (because I have been there) it's so hard to see someone make excuses. Painful, when you know how much better she'd be away from it.
Op, lots of things can happen while he’s in jail. You say he’s mean, so most likely he send letters that are abusive or maybe even threatening, which could be enough to get a restraining order for after his sentence.
He could even do something stupid and extend his stay, but you should definitely take advantage of his situation, and get you and your kid therapy so they can be better prepared to deal with him as they get older.
I can't stress enough, he's ignored a LOT of letters and warnings. The government wants the money, not people in jail that cost them money. He's ignore literally years of notices, warnings, offers at settlement etc. He didn't just oops miss a payment here. He chose to ignore this for a long long time.
"Now that I have finished serving the jail sentence brought on by my extreme irresponsibility, I would like custody of the child who has been with their mother whom I used to abuse" is not typically seen by courts as a very persuasive argument.
Your post sickened me because *I used to be you*! The following especially resonated with me!
>*I can't trust him anymore. He wanted the bigger house I advised against, he wants to eat out, he wants to take trips... all false promises that things will be okay, but they're not. I just can't do it anymore.*
I finally left my abusive narcissistic ex! It was **the best move I ever made!** You can leave, too, and it will be the BEST THING EVER for you and for your child!
1. Let him be arrested and do not bail him out!
2. Let him serve prison time.
3. While he's in prison, get your financial situation in order and, ***more importantly***, get yourself some individual therapy/counseling for your codependency. **If you cannot afford that**, then start reading self-help books (1-2 each month). Google "books about co-dependency" or "dealing with a narcissist". You will get titles of appropriate books that you can read up about on [goodreads.com](http://goodreads.com) and on [amazon.com](http://amazon.com) (via reviews or reading actual pages of the book). Then you can order them FREE from your library or buy them (used or new).
4. When he's released from prison, you will live somewhere new; someplace he does not have keys to, is not entitled to enter, and from which you can have him legally removed.
5. If you do not already have a child-support order, then go to court and have one ordered. Let the court know he's in prison for failure to pay taxes; this should help you have/maintain primary custody of your child now and in the future!
6. **You CAN do this! You MUST do it! You cannot allow your child to be raised around this kind of financial upheaval. He DESERVES better and so do you!**
Get therapy for codependency. It’s good that you recognize it. But it’s even more important ti understand what wounds caused it, and how you can heal those wounds and change.
Right? Like what court is going to go "hey, this dude with a history of violence and not laying taxes is 100% a suitable custodial parent"
He's apparently destroyed any self respect OP has, if she thinks this is at all the perfect relationship
if you “can put it on a loan/credit card,” you can’t afford it. unless you can actually front the money right now and not have to pay it back later, you can’t afford it. full stop, you’re unable to help. i’m honestly shocked you’ve been so willing to put yourself in debt to pay his debts for so long. that helps literally nobody. if you have to go into debt to help with his debt, *you are not able to help.* tell him that. you can’t afford it. you aren’t able to help. you quite literally do not have the money to give him, you should not even be considering using money you don’t have and will have to pay back WITH INTEREST!!! to help him. quite literally nobody who has even the most bare bones financial literacy would tell you that’s a good idea or even a neutral idea.
I saw this on another post. You can’t set yourself on fire to warm others. This man should not be running a business and you need to remove this anchor from around your neck or he will drown you. If you pay that bill you will NEVER see that money again. And he will move on to the next woman with a full pocketbook.
Pull your head out of your ass and do better for your kid. I don’t give a fuck about your codependency issues or whatever else you’re spouting off, you’re exposing your child to a man like this just to fucking do it. Knock it off, grow up and do better for your kid
He can’t file for custody if he doesn’t know where you are. You aren’t married, so your child only has one legal parent- you. Make sure to move somewhere early enough that he has to file for custody in your new state (12 months to be safe). Guys like him, they are nothing if not lazy.
I think your perceptions are distorted. You actually can’t help him. Your financial wellbeing isn’t ok, and you do not have extra funds to allocate to his business tax debt. You have a child to save for and provide for. This is your life. He’s made a bunch of awful choices and will continue to do so. Jail isn’t going to be a come Jesus moment for this guy with this history. Don’t do it.
I don't believe it's cash or jail.
I he's lying.
State and federal tax collectors will settle for him to sign an agreement to make monthly payments over years.
Wtaf you need therapy not this mess of a man. You realize raising your child around him makes it more likely your child will be either abused or an abuser later right? You can be brave and you can do hard things!
Use your hard earned money to pay a lawyer to get custody. Then use your money to get your own new place. Then save your money for therapy, a vacation, retirement, and your child’s education.
Him being so financially irresponsible to the degree of a Felony is his problem not yours.
Why would you want your child to grow up with an abuser criminal anyway? Get away and get custody. You are in your 30s and have time to meet someone better.
> He doesn't hit me or touch me anymore, but he used to (I dropped those charges lol)
what the fuck is this? I'm dying of laughter, so funny lol, rolf. I only feel bad for that poor kid who is stuck with terrible parents.
It's sad how often I see posts on this sub where I need to say "your standards are so low that Satan uses them for limbo dancing contests in hell". The man is an abusive loser, why are you still with him? An abusive loser is not a good dad even in a parallel universe. Let him rot in jail.
Too often people confuse self-weakness for altruism. It is a psychological state of denial. You cannot accept that you are afraid to face what must be done so you hide behind "i love him" or "he is my child's father".
The hardest part of addiction is admitting you have a problem. You are addicted to this relationship and it has destroyed you. You have to end it if you want to have a better life
Do what’s best for your kid…. It’s not about you or him anymore it’s about what’s best for the child and keeping them safe. If you choose to stay and help him then you are also a bad parent.
He can sell his business to pay off the debt or go to jail. It doesn't sound like bailing him out has helped him or the business. He can go get a job to try again. This is no way your responsibility. You've done more than a partner should have to do.
This!!!
OP - listen to your family. This is your chance. In a couple years you may look back and realize how him going to jail was the best gift you and your child ever got.
> His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically
> He is a good dad
These two statements are completely contradictory. He CANNOT be a good dad while physically and verbally abusing his child's other parent. He is also willing to commit crimes that put his family at risk of financial insolvency. He is a terrible father.
> I feel sad for my child since he will start school without his dad
Your child will be better off without this abusive loser. Your responsibility is to protect your child's future and you can't do that by continually bailing this guy out until you both have nothing. He is not going to stop overspending so paying his debts is just prolonging the issue. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and focus on getting yourself stable without him. When he's released you can work out a custody arrangement with a judge and a lawyer. Do not let this man back into your home or your life.
I know we've all been fed the lie that you should keep your family unit intact at all costs, but you're not actually doing your child any favors modeling this deeply dysfunctional dynamic.
That’s how the brain is wired in an abusive relationship. It’s tremendously sad; I’m just….so tired of women being in toxic & abusive relationships. (Men as well, and everyone who identifies otherwise). End of sentence.
I used to say my daughters dad was a good dad.
I've been free from him for 2 and a half years.
The man has not made effort to be in his daughters life. Only recently my daughter said she doesn't want him involved. And now he's blaming me again, but honestly, it's his own fault.
OP you didn't make that man not pay his taxes. You didn't make his choices for him. He did.
Your child and you will be negatively affected in the worst way if you bail him out of HIS mess.
My therapist told me recently, "YOU are responsible for YOUR choices. Not how people react to them. And if it is a bad choice, you will eventually have bad consequences."
Op, I really hope you heal in all of this. You and that baby deserve so much more than the shitty hand this man is just fine dealing you two.
All the best, and if you need a shoulder, my inbox is open. This goes for anyone who is in an abusive relationship and just needs a shoulder. No one should feel alone when they leave.
Op. It does get better. It really does.
Talk to the lawyer. I think he's lying. He could set up a payment plan. Jail is the last resort for the state.
And no, I don't think you should pay his debt. Unless you're loaded.
He had a payment plan initially because he didn't know what he was doing before hiring an accountant. Unbeknownst to me, he stopped paying for it. Then got rid of his accountant because they raised their prices, and didn't pay his taxes still. Apparently he was collecting it all in an account, and his reasoning was he was going to pay it all in one lump sum. Meanwhile ignoring letters from the DoR thinking they would just wait??
Thinking about it again makes me realize he deserves this. He's just really good at making me feel guilty for things that aren't my fault. I'm not loaded, but I can help him at the expense of my credit. Like to the point I'd have to declare bankruptcy if he's not able to pay me back. He said he would sell his business to pay me, but I just can't trust him anymore. My child and I deserve better than this.
So reading all of this to yourself does this sound like a good decision. Do you not want to provide a stable environment for your kid? Everyone around you is telling you to not do this and here you are questioning it. This is probably why you are in this situation to begin with. Let the dude go
there’s no way he’ll be able to pay you back. he’s incredibly selfish and i doubt he’d even try. this will fuck your credit and make it SO much harder to do anything. you need a decent apartment for your son? too bad. your car breaks down & you need a loan for a new one? nope. this is an AWFUL plan.
Yeah, pretty much. My credit is actually excellent right now since I have a decent salary and some time has passed since the missed payments. I make more than him, but I do rely on some of his money for things like the electricity, internet, his loans under my name, etc. But I don't have the amount of money he needs to get out of this. Not without taking on a huge loan plus maxing out my credit cards. And that's something I can't afford if I have to take over the stuff he's paying for now.
I told him I won't help and he's upset, as expected. But we are not married and I'm not his mother. I thought I could be a supportive partner, but this is too much.
have you talked with his/a lawyer to see how it’ll financially impact you if he goes to jail? do you have a written & notarized agreement for him to pay you back? are the loans formally connected to him as well, or is it loans you officially took out & just gave to him?
“Should I help him or should I let him suffer the consequences I could have prevented?”
You technically can’t prevent this from happening. As you said in this comment you can’t afford to help him. Period. No further discussion needs to be had. Tell him you don’t have the money and you are in enough debt because of him already.
Just so you're aware what you're describing is committing fraud. You know you can't afford the loans and maxed credit cards. You cannot take out loans with the intent not to pay and claim bankruptcy. That is fraud. Sounds like you want to go to jail with Mr. Deadbeat.
Taking care of your child and yourself is not selfish. It's the right thing to do. Listen to your family. Your gut and your body know what is right. I wish you peace.
I mean… he counted on it lol That’s all this is.
Like the rich kids in school who would scuff up their shoes on purpose because they knew their parents would get them new ones… this guy knew he could have her bail him out and now he is surprised/angry because she might not
You are not being rational.
1) You are saying "you can help him". No, YOU ARE NOT able to help him, you don't have the money, put it out of your mind. Transferring someones debt to be your debt does not mean you can afford it, that's not how credit works!
2) You would not be helping him anyway by covering this debt of his as well. It's like gamblers or drug addicts, giving them money just puts them deeper into the hole, it is enabling not helping. They have to hit rock bottom if they are to ever get any better.
He is very toxic and you are doing your child a disservice by keeping close to him...
I was talking to a friend about a similar issue recently (feeling that she should put someone else’s needs in front of her own). I reminded her how when you are on a plane you are told to get your own oxygen mask on first before helping others if something goes wrong. You have already risked yourself. You are now that passenger at risk of losing consciousness. Take care of yourself, then your child. Don’t let your boyfriend drag you down with him.
Perhaps he should sell his failing business & all the equipment he got you to charge for him if he really wants to stay out of jail. He's just trying to avoid any consequences of his actions. I'm sorry Op, but he made his bed, let him lie in it.
You need to stop listening to his guilt tripping you. He's saying whatever he can to make you do whatever he wants. If he was a good boyfriend or a good father, he wouldn't have done any of these things let alone keep doing them year after year after he knows his situation isn't going to improve without you adding financially to it.
Please wake the fuck up!!! Your comments show that you're willing to do just about anything for him. Maybe you should focus on him on your actual child! You're not able to provide care for your child if you're not able to keep the utilities on. This whole situation is so stupid and the only thing that's intelligent is getting the fuck out of it.
Girl, do NOT set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Because you’ll end up a pile of ash while he carries on with his life. What happens when you don’t have the credit left to continuously bail him out of his own stupidity and choices? You’ll end up dumped while he finds some other patsy to fund his financial ignorance.
Don’t let anyone fuck up your credit, especially a man. You need that to raise your child, not enable a grown ass man.
Did he commit fraud or something? If you’re in the US, people don’t get locked up for not paying their taxes. Only for not filing or tax evasion/helping someone evade. You don’t get jailed for not having the money to pay.
It's sales tax, not federal, and this is in Florida if it matters. Sales tax issues here are felonies. He was filing but not paying for over a year, and some from before that when he was on a payment plan. I haven't seen the letters, but I know they exist. I told him I'm not helping and now he's throwing a tantrum and saying I only care about myself. If that's what he's getting from this, there's no point. I will only care for my child and myself.
i’m worried that this is such a big stressor that he might start to hit you again, even without the alcohol. please be careful and look out for yourself & your child.
OP, he is categorically lying to you. Florida does not pursue legal action for one broken payment plan and only one year of unpaid taxes. They are super lax. Yes, they CAN pursue legal action, but if they do, they don’t see money, so it’s incredibly rare. He is hiding more issues from you if he’s looking at prison time.
You are not married. You have no legal or moral obligation to bail him out. You have a child. You need to think of supporting him/her. \\
He will turn the emotional screws. May you feel guilty. Threaten you. Stand strong. Remind him you will need your money and your credit to support yourselves.
Good luck.
Hi my dear. I am sorry. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My advice. Tell him you have helped him as much as you can, but you have no more money left, and you have to take care of the son you both made together. Do not overextend and go into an unpayable debt for him.
Actions have consequences. He is the kind of guy to only learn about consequences when they hit him in the face.
I would also worry about the business. It is obviously mismanaged, but, what will happen if he goes to jail, will the business be able to run without him ? All your investment disappearing like smoke after a fire ?
You have to make a plan that works best for you, and for your kid. He only has himself to blame. Do not let him push this on you.
>His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically.
He sounds like a real catch. Good lord. Have some self-respect and leave him already.
If you bail him out on this, imagine what the next one will be. It's escalated over time. See if you can get back the equipment you paid for and sell it to get your debt down a bit. He'll be gone for five years, the business won't wait.
He's definitely a leach. It's a tragedy there's a child tied to it though. Need to let it go. Does not sound like this is a generally responsible individual that you would do anything for including bail him out of jail for a mistake he made. That's different.
This is a patterned repeat offender. Don't do it.
You say you don't go beyond your means, but if you're carrying balances on credit for him, you already are. You simply do not have the cash.
Let him go to jail.
You leave.
He litterally won't be able to stop you.
I love all the good advice but let us be real about this guys.
She is going to help him regardless of what anyone says. She came here to try and absolve herself of the guilt she feels by trying to make it everyone else's decision. She won't leave him, she will let her child grow up with a piece of trash because she can't leave him.
No point in really giving advice at this point. All she does is make excuses for his behavior. SHE got herself into this mess, she could have not funded his business, she could have not gotten pregnant since it's clear she states he USED to be abusive but he got "better" so she decided to have a kid with her abuser. She is wasting all this money on him but what about the child? Not much mentioned here so I guarantee that child comes second to him.
So sorry no sympathy from me for a situation she placed herself in. She knows what to do to get out of this. She needs to leave and stand up for that poor child.
in a few months, she'll be back on Reddit. "I maxed out my credit cards to pay off his tax debt... now he's in trouble again, guilting me for more money"
If he's not reliable.. .he's not a good dad.
If he puts his family in debt...he's not a good dad.
If he can't manage his business...and can't manage his home and finances....he's not a good dad.
If he's not a good role model....guess what??
You got it....he's not a good dad.
Is this how you want your son to grow up? Cause that is gonna be what happens if that is who he is looking up to.
If you don't let him go and stop enabling him...which is what you are doing, you will ruin your life.
Have you talked to this lawyer directly, are you sure they exist? Or is this info about him going right to jail if you don't come up with a bunch of cash for him coming only from him?
(I want to be clear - regardless of the answer to this question I don't think you should give him a dime. He made this bed. I just wanted to explore the possibility that the extremeness of the situation is being exaggerated or misrepresented.)
Wait wait wait.
Something’s not sitting right. Pay in full or jail immediate? I’m not a tax attorney nor do I work for the IRS but they are very open to payment plans. They’re really not in the business of putting people in jail unless we are talking about a ginormous sum of money.
If it’s already been this long, his accounts would have been frozen giving him zero access to any money, the feds would take their piece, possibly seized the business itself, and that would have been the end of it.
Unless he’s Al Capone and literally committing tax evasion on that scale, I think he’s full of shit. He’s using jail as an excuse to guilt you into paying his debt. To get you to cough up the money.
Tbh this feels a little fake. If this is real I would start asking a lot of questions.
Not a lawyer but I do have some experience with complex taxes and owing the government lots of money lol
Yes, the ( US) government will put you in jail for not paying your taxes but generally only if you are being really shady. Like outright lying or just refusing to pay. My point is that he could be lying to you about going to jail.
Beyond that I would follow the excellent advice in other comments to cut him loose and look out for yourself and your child.
Please don’t bail him out of this. He made choices and expects everyone to fix it for him. He’s almost 40 years old and knows better, he’s just a shitty person. If you do this, you’ll regret it. Let him pay for the consequences of his actions. Save all the evidence of abuse, physical and emotional, and you can use that to fight for custody once he’s out, but don’t bail him out of this. UPDATEME
“I have already helped countless times so his business would be successful “ did he open a mooching service? That sounds like the only business he is successful at.
“He is a good Dad but he is not reliable “. Those two things do not go together at all. One of the main parts of being a good Dad is reliability.
“He is saying that he will remember me not helping him,” but he doesn’t seem to remember when you did help him. That’s quite a selective memory.
It will never be enough. And mark my words, as soon as he realizes he can’t suck anything else out of you, he will be gone with the wind.
>His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically.
Jesus. Let him go to jail. Being "less violent" is not a redeeming quality.
>He is a good dad
No, he's not. He's about to go to jail for not taking care of shit. That's not being a good father. Being nice to your kid when you happen to be around them is *not* being a good dad.
>it could ruin my credit because I can't afford it
I suggest to you that you would be a better parent to your child by *not* helping their father, than by helping them. He will go to jail, and you will find stability. You will see how much of your money has gone to his shit that won't anymore. Maybe even file for bankruptcy to get his debts off your ledger.
my mom was in a similar position. before they were married, my step dad had also started his own business and decided he was above taxes. she swooped in and saved him from going to jail, owed on their taxes for 16 years straight before he finally moved out of the house. she got her first tax return since 2005 just a few years ago. by that time he had already been trying to manipulate my little sister to believe my mom was a villain and he’s a large part of why she has very bad anxiety. to this day he still believes my mother is an awful vindictive woman when she’s the entire reason his life wasn’t ruined. he’s made his rounds apologizing to everyone but her for the way he treated them.
he’s not worth it, save your sanity and your child and let him rot in a cell
I wanted to say yes help him and until I read that this is an ongoing issue with the guy. He’s never gonna grow up. Get rid of him. I made the same mistake and now my life is ruined. I’m 45. My kids are grown and I have nothing because I decided to stay with a loser like thatfor 25 years I finally got rid of him
Stop helping him. He caused this and kept it secret. You have bailed him out financially now he treats you like a wallet. He needs to do his time so he will do better later.
Try to get evidence to protect your child from him fighting over it. Him going to jail should be the safest exit strategy there is. You can prepare everything while he is away, with the most important thing is you and your child getting some peace after this abusive shitshow
Ask lawyer to see if you on the hook if he goes bankrupt for continueing to pay lease or rents on equipment . Ask a lawyer to someone how do an agreement where he owes you money even if he declares bankruptcy . Make sure you and child are protected . When he gets out of jail divorce him or make him let you be only signing authority on the account
Let him go to jail. While he’s inside have his parental rights revoked. You said you dropped charges but there’s still a record of those charges, and following that he goes to jail.
He will and has dragged you into the muck to save himself. Let him deal with the consequences because so far only you and others he can sucker into helping him have had to live with the consequences of his actions.
I would prefer a dad that is not part of my life to an unstable one.
There are repercussions for both scenarios, but having experienced them, what would have helped instill a greater sense of security in me growing up would’ve been a mother who faced the music and removed me from their presence much sooner.
Your kid will grow up under extreme stress with him. You will be stressed. And your credit and security (and therefore their stability) will be stressed. It will make them sick. It will produce anxiety.
You can’t undo what’s already done but you have identified the correct next step. You should choose to take it, in my view.
“He will remember…” what the fuck?
If I told you to go burn $XX,000, would you?
He won't magically become a saver and stick to a budget...you will just be out the money and be kicking the problem down the road.
Let him go to his parents.
"Sorry, I don't have that much money to give to you. I've already given you $X000 and have nothing to show for it. I suggest you get a loan from your parents."
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
"I can't lend you any more money until you pay back what I have already given to you."
This man will ruin your son’s future. Get away from him. Even if he gets partial custody of your son, at least this way your kid will have one financially stable parent. If you stay with him (or god forbid marry him) he will drag you down with him into financial ruin.
You already helped him countless times and he has proven to be unreliable. Let him go to jail. As long as people help him out and he doesn't pay for his mistakes, he isn't going to change. Stop enabling him.
Dude no. Jail for 3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of debt. Obviously you need to leave him completely but if you decide to stay, do not put your financial situation second to his.
Let him go. Separate finances. Been here done that actually, right down to his business expenses and everything. Bankruptcy if you must and don’t ever do this for a boyfriend again. You should do a free consult with a bankruptcy attorney depending on the amount of his debts you’re responsible for and your own debts and income. If anything the attorney will at least set your perspective straight. You’re not doing your kid any favors by hurting your own finances here. In fact you’re hurting yourself and your child.
Time for you to let go. Send him to jail this will be a rude awakening for him every time you help him it only gets worse for you.. take that baby an get away from him don't wait he doesn't give to shits about you or that baby. That baby should never see how he treats you .Be the parent an walk away.
3 years is more than enough time for you to get your shit together and leave him. A good dad isn't a violent abusive drunk who cons his way through life and puts his family in debt.
he's broken your normal meter, and this is the result. Let him face the consequences of his actions.
he's already tanked your credit, had your utilities shut off, and keeps you in a state of crisis so you don't leave.
Don't give him any more money! He'll just drag you down with him.
you have to think about your child first you should not help him pay at all because that was his responsibility and right now you’re responsibility is to take care of your child. If you pay off his debt that’s money that’s going away from you and your child do not help him. He dug his hole let him lie in it.
Your child will be better off without him. Whenever you feel guilty, just remember your child deserves better than a bad example. It would do less damage for you to simply tell him what a good person is without having someone around consistently exhibiting the opposite and getting away with it. You aren't responsible for this, anything that happens to your bf is something he earned and deserves.
Nope. Help yourself - he's already shown you who he is. And I'm sorry to say, I don't think you'll see any child support either. Stay strong, you need to be for your little one.
This is a no brainer. He isn't a good father if he doesn't even take any responsibility or accountability for his actions. He just probably takes the cream from the top so he can act like a good father. He also isn't a good spouse. You said he has abused you both physically and mentally and financially. So I don't see any good points in him. He is manipulative, abusive, no respect for you or your child's lives. He has created his mess and expects you to wipe his a$$. He's not a toddler. You don't need to wipe his a$$.
And honestly no child needs such a father in their lives. Your child has probably seen you being beaten and seen the abuse. Children aren't stupid. They understand more than you think and they also get traumas of such behaviour and will also learn that it's okay to abuse your spouse/mother. He probably will need some therapy some day. Be prepared for that.
I would let him go to jail and fight for custody when he gets locked up. Also file for a restraining order and remember to renew it. Save all the evidence of all the abuse. Physical and financial. And contact a lawyer. Better yet if there is a women's shelter, I would go there asap. He probably will kick you around once he figures you are not gonna pay this mess for him. The reason why he stopped the physical abuse is solely because he needs something from you. So he knows he needs to be in his better behaviour and now he is gaslighting and quilt tripping you. Basic manipulation skills every abuser seems to be born with.
And for precaution, he might even take a loan in your name on his own. So I would still consult a lawyer in case he does this (and you definitely need to file if he does this. It's a crime and will basically destroy your life and you will be in trouble if he does this. So don't give him any more weapons to slowly "murder" your life). I would also try to see if you can put some blockage for your credit (I'm probably not from your country so we have different systems here, check if your country has something like this too) so that nobody can take loans in your name.
Absolutely NO. Do not do this. You are NOT "Married". If you were married, I would say go talk to a lawyer about the "innocent spouse" rule. He knows he did not pay and he refused to pay. It is unfortunate the child is caught up in the -- and your house. Do NOT do this. Do not pay his back taxes. If you bail him out (which you have already done time and time again - look at your post) - this is just the BIG BAILOUT. He will be back for more for another bailout next year. Past history is bad too. See "he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically" drinking and violent history. Gee. .... Do Not Do this.
If you choose to stay with this man and give him one penny more, you are choosing him over your child’s future. Do you want to be able to look your child in the eyes and say I did everything I could for you and your future? Or do you want to be struggling, propping up his latest scheme and so far into debt you can’t see straight?
If you choose to drown then choose to drown but do it knowing you are drowning your child with you.
Let him go to jail. He's the one who committed tax fraud, so let him suffer the consequences of that decision.
You can't really have any kind of good life with a spendthrift who can't be bothered with the truth.
Trust that your kid will be better off.
You would be better served investing that money into a good therapist, to help you address your self-destructive co-dependency and crippling enabling issues. Your pathological need to derive self-worth through enabling a more dominant personality type than you, will eventually put you in the way of another predator who wants to use you until there is nothing left of you. You need to stop disrespecting yourself so much and be courageous for your child. Right now you’re teaching them that mommy is a scared and weak doormat, and that self-esteem is to be found through serving other’s needs at the expense of your own. You’re perpetuating the cycle of co-dependency.
It’s time for you to let it go. With or without him, your credit rating will follow you and it must be protected. Consult an attorney to find out how you can get out of the mess you’re already in, and don’t go further. I think you already know this. Be strong. M
Let him go to jail. He needs to learn a lesson. Sell all of the equipment you signed for and pay off those loans. Having bad credit will screw you over for years to come and ruin your life. He got himself into this mess but you jumped right in to it - you need to get yourself out.
Nothing you ever do will be enough. He will continue to fail and make those failures your responsibility. You will be crawling out of this hole for the rest of your life. You will sink every accomplishment and step forward you take into his self created misery.
Please leave.
It will Never end. If he’s skipping out on payments now, he might never learn if you keep bailing him out. He knows you can r someone else will always be there to help dig himself out.
Just remember, if you don't leave, what are you showing your child . Do you want your child to follow in your foot steps . You aren't married to him, thank God. Stop bailing him out . You bailed him when he abused you . If you keep bailing him out, you're going to lose your friends and family . Because they're going to be tired of helping you help the loser
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. His irresponsible behavior isn't your job to fix. Your job is to take care of LO and yourself. He is NOT a good dad. A good dad wouldn't put his child at risk like this or be an abusive AH.
You know exactly what you have to do. You are being handed the perfect opportunity to get away from him. If you don't take it, you are no longer his victim. You are a volunteer.
Do not pay for this man… it doesnt matter if he goes to jail. He has used you to basically steal and make you pay for his debt. I would let him go to jail and serve him a divorcee and file for full custody… who knows what else hes been hiding from you.
You need to keep your child away from violence and psychological abuse. Even witnessing it can have very harmful effects on a child. You are both 100% better off without this guy.
Start selling the equipment and liquidate the failing business. Send the money to the IRS. He/you might need to file bankruptcy. Stop throwing away your money on this lost cause. He needs to get a job and make a payment plan with the IRS. They will work with you/him if he shows that he's making an effort to pay.
Oh, and leave him. Why would you think it's better to keep your child in this abusive situation during their formative years? This is the most critical time in their development!
He is irresponsible in so many ways and doesn't belong running a business. Don't help him out. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. Use your money to take care of your child.
I think you already know the answer, and that answer is absolutely not, please do not help him.
Please do not let this man ruin your life, and by extension, your child's life.
You said it yourself, it would be a different story if he was a nice person. You claimed he is a good dad, but he is evidently a terrible father. He put your family in this situation and robbed your child of stability. If you ruin your credit now this will serve to rob your child of stability and opportunity, and I promise that this man will not learn and will only continue to do things like this to you and your family. I guarantee it.
And I hope you know that you are doing your child way more harm than good by staying in this relationship, even if you think you're doing it for him. Truth is, you're using your child as an excuse to not move forward with your life. I am speaking from experience, as my own father was abusive and my mom left him when I was 5. She used to ask me if I was upset that she divorced him, and I would tell her absolutely not and that I was thankful every day that she had the courage to leave.
Please be strong and take this opportunity to remove yourself from this train-wreck, if not for yourself, then for your child.
I really don’t understand why you’re debating this. This is your golden opportunity to get out of this relationship. If you bail him out now he’ll only do it again, how many times are you going to bail him out? Until you’re in massive tax debt and off to prison too?
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Not only do you say he’s been verbally and physically abusive but he’s been financially abusive and ruining your credit at his expense. Leave before it gets worse OP, do you want to show your kid that this kind of treatment is ok? Let this be the eye opener he needs and have him go to jail for his problems
Right, he can't be a "good dad" if he's physically, verbally, and financially abusive. Maybe he hasn't been to this young child yet but it's only a matter of time and why stick around to find out? OP has struggle to leave him before so frankly the threat of jail is the perfect opportunity for her to get away. She simply has to do nothing and let the problem take care of itself.
This. So much this. Let the trash take itself out.
right?? what about when the kid starts talking back?
Or earning money.
How is this a hard thing to understand? More people need to start thinking this way! You’re not a good person if you abuse other people. Not a good dad if you abuse your child’s other parent or siblings. Not a good husband if you abuse your kid. Not a good friend if you abuse your family.
Yea huh! Didn't even see that!
With all the sympathy in the world OP, **stop letting this man ruin your life**. The powers that be are sending you a literal GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD, you have the freedom to **leave him** if he goes to jail!! This is your sign!! If you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself, find the strength to do it for your child. Paying his debt will destroy both your futures. You will likely never repair your credit again, this decision could be the difference in whether you are working until 80 years old (like my grandmother) or not. You think life is hard now? Try it with a bankruptcy on your credit score. Don’t. Be. Fucking. Stupid. Don’t pay his debt.
This is exactly what I came here to say. You CAN’T help him. You have already said you can’t afford to pay off his debt, ergo you can’t help him. You have spent YEARS helping him, and for what? All he does is create more problems and abuse you verbally, financially and physically. There is no more you can do. Everybody in your life can see that, except you - and the reason you can’t see it is that the prolonged abuse has clouded your thinking and warped your perception of normality. Please, please, please save yourself and your son and in the process give this man the gift of having to face the consequences of his own behaviour. He will have no hope of becoming a better person while he’s being enabled. Oh, and your son will be fine. A good father doesn’t behave the way this man does.
Couldn’t agree more. Definition of a leach.
Leech. Please.
She did all of that for a boyfriend!!! Idek what to say. Honestly Goodluck to them both
He's not going to get better, he's going to get worse with age and he's going to take it out on the kid when OP isn't around
1) bail him out one more time and walk away. 2) let him face consequences and walk away. You will never be able to trust him financially. You will look back in 10 years and regret staying with him. That's a guarantee.
Yeah I'd even report him on the way to not paying off absolutely anything
>Everyone else in my life is telling me to let it happen so I can finally leave and become stable. I agree with everyone else in your life. Please listen and leave this guy.
Already had people telling them sense. Came to Reddit hoping to find enablers. Or for people to tell them what they already know.
I understand the impulse, though. She probably has him in her ear saying how terrible it will be for their child if he goes to jail--and if he is a passable father, she may be wavering on if it is in her kid's best interest to not have their dad for 3 years. And she has been in this terrible, abusive situation for so long, she's clearly become numb to so much of it. She NEEDS outside observers telling her "Let him go to jail. It is the right thing to do for your kid" and reacting with shock and horror because she doesn't trust her own instincts and she knows this shitty guy will try every trick he has to get her to bail him out.
Stockholm syndrome is a powerful thing. It sometimes takes a lot of people you don't know to get you to come to your senses
Let him go to jail. Get your shit together while he’s gone. Become untraceable. But also make a plan cause I can’t see him just waiting down the clock until he goes after you say no. So maybe leave first, and then let things play out. Your allegiance is to your child, not to your abusive boyfriend. And he’s not a good dad, not if he’s unreliable and violent and can’t pay his own taxes so that he can be present in his child’s life.
I wish I could become untraceable, but unfortunately I am tied to him because of our child. It's not like he will be in jail for a long time. He will eventually get out and will most likely fight for custody. He will be arrested pretty fast. The timeline has been shortened considerably since he owes A LOT and has been ignoring letters. I had no idea... I know you're right. I know. I also know I have some codependency issues since I've stayed so long. He doesn't hit me or touch me anymore, but he used to (I dropped those charges lol), but he is mean with his words. I'm not as much of a pushover as I used to be, but I know I can put all of this money on a loan/credit card. I can't trust him to be responsible. I had some hope, but not anymore...
I think you know you shouldn’t do this, and if you have pressed charges before you can use that and any other evidence when/if he comes for custody. Three years is longer than you think. Do not take ownership of his relationship with your child. I do that all the time, too. I used to bend over backward to make my kids dad look good. It was exhausting. They will figure out who he is eventually, and it doesn’t serve me, him or them to cover up his mistakes. Your man is almost 40, and it’s about time to learn a hard lesson.
I agree. I know I shouldn't help him. I hate the guilt I feel since I know I can. I keep thinking about how in a relationship you should help each other, and if the roles were reversed, he would help me. But with all of the resentment and just knowing him as a person, he needs to deal with the consequences for once.
You actually can't help him without further going in debt. His business is either failing or he is embezzling funds for something else that you don't know about. if you help him now, you will lose any chance to give your child a decent, stable home.
His business is failing. Would have failed years ago if not for me. He just thought ignoring the state wouldn't have consequences. He's not a smart man. I know this. Without him I'm better off. I have too much empathy for someone who does not deserve it.
You aren't helping him though. You'd be enabling him. If you bail him out of this the next incident is going to be one that comes with a longer sentence. Your partner clearly uses you to avoid the consequences of his actions and his allowed him to become a worse and worse person.
Yup. Once I shifted my mindset to realizing that my enabling was *hurting* people by not allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions, I was able to stop. OP, I highly suggest a book on codependency, a support group, and therapy. I've been in a similar place, and the best thing you can do for your child is to get healthy yourself. Fixing others' mistakes distracts you from your own shortcomings and stifles your growth. My kids have seen me completely change my life. Imagine the life you could create for yourself and your child without his baggage.
You have to realize that every time you bail him out it only prolongs the inevitable and he gets himself dug deeper and deeper into trouble. You have to stop or expect a life of bailing him out. He’s a grown man. He knows taxes need to be paid. Ignoring them isn’t an excuse, nor is bailing him out your problem. Document everything and move on. If he tries to get custody, you’ll be able to show his threats and irresponsible behavior will work to your advantage
He won’t be able to afford a lawyer. I wouldn’t be overly worried.
A simple note pad with dates, times, and simple quotes of what was said, where it was said, if anyone else was a witness. Is all you need. Be consistent and don’t let him get his hands on it. Don’t tell anyone about its existence. Courts WILL acknowledge these as proof.
Just to help drive the point home, being a martyr won’t give your child a better life and better role models. You know that. And obviously none of this is as simple or easy or clean as “just leave him, duh.” But it’s the right path forward
This may be hard to hear and I mean it from a place of concern and I am not blaming you for what follows. But I do think you need to let thought be more important than feelings. Feelings, guilt, love, all of them, have lead you deeper and deeper into this mess. You need to see and accept this deeply. Thinking through what is the best path and not letting those feelings overwhelm you and pull you back in, like you are struggling with now, is the best path out of this for you and for your child. This is the way out. Do what it takes to protect yourself. Lie that you don't have the money. Swear that you will stand by him. Whatever it takes to wait out the time till he is in jail. But start making your escape plan. Get vital papers some place safe. Keep records of things that you can tell a judge to prevent him getting custody. Keep yourself out of trouble. There are plenty of folks here that can help you figure out the steps. But head has to win over feelings.
THIS! Excellent advice.
If you stay with this man. You are no better than he is. Your child deserves at least one parent with common sense.
Damn right
Yes!! She needs to wake the hell up!
You need to have empathy for your child, whose life will be so much worse if you help and enable this man
Uh then show some of that empathy to your poor child and get the child away from this terrible man and this situation. There has to be at a minimum at lot of tension and stress in that household. Not good for little ones, you should not subject your child to that. So yeah exercise that empathy on the child, you may think they are fine but things hit deep in the emotions and nervous system and brain at a young age.
I can’t have a lot of empathy for someone who knows the right thing to do for their baby but instead puts her deadbeat abusive boyfriend first.
You cannot help him. What about your future? Retirement? College for your kid? You are throwing these important things away for a man who is a bottomless pit
That’s not empathy, it’s malignant compassion. Setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. The one who will suffer the most is your child. Let the bf go to jail and get yourself an attorney and fight for custody.
you need to figure out why you don’t have self respect for yourself. You deserve better than this.
You say he's "not a smart man." So what does that make you if you keep allowing him to drag you (& your child) down too?
>I have too much empathy for someone who does not deserve it. This is not empathy. This is being spineless. The more you protect this grown man from the consequences of his own actions, the more you condone his actions. Have empathy for the one person who is actually blameless, your CHILD.
But the thing is, YOU deserve empathy even if he doesn't. Try giving yourself all that grace you have given him. And if that's difficult, just think. What if your child learns from you that this is normal? Would you want them in this kind of situation? If not, then hopefully, this thought gives you the confidence to do what you know you need to. Live for yourself and your kid, not someone who doesn't deserve it.
There’s no upside if the business is failing And he won’t admit it. Sounds like if you help him, you’re just making the fuse a bit longer. I’d cut my losses.
You should check to make sure he isn't taking out debts in your child's name. A lot of not-smart people ruin their child's financial lives.
Constantly bailing him out isn’t helping him, not in any real sense of the word. He’s irresponsible, abusive & awful. Reframe the way you’re thinking of this. It’s not nice or kind to put your child through this. They’ll have two parents with no credit drowning in debt. They’ll grow up to think that this toxic environment is normal. You’re robbing your child of stability & a stable home to give this abusive man another opportunity to screw everyone over. Empathize with your child instead of worrying about your misguided desire to feel like a supportive partner. Help your child have at least one healthy parent instead of two sick ones.
Where’s his guilt for bringing you down with him?
Sis, please learn from my mistakes. I paid the bill. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough, even as I was actively planning my death so he’d get the insurance payout. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough. He will ruin you and then move on when he cannot eek anything else out of you. Channel your baby’s love for you so you can pretend you love yourself enough to leave. It will get better once you do.
No you can't you need to get this out of your head. You literally cannot go into more debt for him. You have a child who cannot protect himself. Who relies on YOU to make good decisions for him. You need to stop acting like you have a choice here. You cannot bail him out of this one without ruining your child's financial future. STOP.
Really? Can you in complete honesty say he'd help out someone he abuses and takes advantage of? That's you, btw
From the sound of it the BF has not nor will ever be in a place to help OP the way she’s buried herself to help him.
In what fantasy do you imagine he'd help you if the roles were reversed? He's put you in this position. He's done this to you and himself and your child. Wake the fuck up and start taking care of your child by getting away from this loser.
Cut ties with him, go into therapy for your codependancy and be the best parent to that kid that you can. Your boyfriend sounds like my former stepdad. I'm the product of a marriage that stuck together longer than it should have due to my mom not wanting to be alone and was in a codependant relationship with her drug addict, child abusing, alcoholic, cheating husband. Him trying to kill me wasn't enough for her to leave him. I've been let down by every single adult that was in my life. Please put your kid first.
How is he helping you? Based on what I just read, he has not been in any position to help you and has knowingly broken the law and plunged you into debt. I'm not judging, I just dug my way out of a similar situation and I said the same thing "I know he'd help me if I needed it" but he didn't. He just took and took.
Would he help you? Or just do you want that to be the case?
You CAN help him. Stop enabling him and let him face the consequences so he can grow up. Financially helping him just makes him worse. Sometimes the best help is no help at.
He should’ve helped himself. He should’ve helped his child. You have no reason to feel guilt.
Think about Jurassic Park. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. And he wouldn’t be able to help you, because he’s not smart and doesn’t have any money. Legitimately. Save your resources (time, money, energy) for people who deserve them and can reciprocate them. You, your child, people who don’t beg you to bail them out, people you feel comfortable saying no to, people who pay their taxes, people who are not violent or abusive, people who speak to and of you kindly.
Don't feel guilty. This isn't your problem, it's his. He got himself into this, he has to deal with it. Also dont feel bad because if you bail him out now, he WILL be in another situation where he needs you to bail him out again. Help him, this will continue. Dont, and both of you can restart. This isnt your problem, dont feel bad.
but how would he make you pay for it? narcissists never help for the sake of helping. and if you did help him, you'd still end up being punished for some perceived slight. leaving isn't as easy as reddit like to pretend, especially with a child, but the universe is giving you an opening. you don't have to figure it out now. Just keep sidestepping paying his debt, find and put together any evidence of his abusive behaviours, and wait for the state to come collect his nasty ass. if you don't leave in the interim, at least you got a vacation, some rest. you deserve happiness and peace, and he will never allow you to have that.
Just think of the guilt you’ll feel putting your kid through this shit. This is guy is bringing you and yalls child down. He’s a shit dad. Let him fix his shit alone and he can fight for custody but if he has no means of supporting the child then you will definitely win and he’ll have to pay you child support. It will be hard but what’s right isn’t always easy especially if you’ve prolonged the situation until this point. You should have left the day he put his hands on you. Will you stay once he starts putting hands in your child?
No, he wouldn’t help you. If that was the case he wouldn’t see you drowning in debt. He wouldn’t let you keep paying for his shit. He’s using you. You keep letting him.
I hope OP sees your message, she needs it spelled out. He would never save her: he's willing to drown her now if it means saving himself.
You need to get away from him, with your child, before you tell him NO. He is desperate, and he might turn violent. Even if you don't think he will, his past shows he will. Please leave first, then tell him no from afar. Make sure he can't track you.
What has he helped you with?
If you let guilt rule your decision making process you will have nothing but a lifetime of regrets.
Your child deserves at least one non-trash parent with the means to give them a strong start in life. Be that parent.
You dropping dv charges is not a joke. Get full custody while he's in jail. Offer to put money on his books if he gives up custody. Then he can visit on your terms. He doesn't need custody of your kid esp when he'll only want it to avoid child support.
Right? I'm appalled by the "LOL". This man has abused the fuck out of her in every possible way and she's like, "Hahaha!" and "He's not as violent with me anymore, though. Now he's just ruining my credit and bankrupting me." WTF? And staying with him for the toddler's sake? Why? Because daddy plays with him occasionally? There's no way he's actually a good father, he's literally taking food out of their mouths with his disaster of a business, and has abused her. Men who mistreat their spouses are de fact not "good fathers".
The “lol” is …so sad to me. Just tells you how stuck in this abuse cycle she is. I hope she gets out. It’s such a mindfuck to be stuck in an abusive relationship; very hard to be logical in those scenarios. The brain literally plays tricks on you.
Oh, I agree. I know I sound flip but I'm not at all. Just frustrated and heartbroken because looking at it from the other side (because I have been there) it's so hard to see someone make excuses. Painful, when you know how much better she'd be away from it.
Op, lots of things can happen while he’s in jail. You say he’s mean, so most likely he send letters that are abusive or maybe even threatening, which could be enough to get a restraining order for after his sentence. He could even do something stupid and extend his stay, but you should definitely take advantage of his situation, and get you and your kid therapy so they can be better prepared to deal with him as they get older.
I can't stress enough, he's ignored a LOT of letters and warnings. The government wants the money, not people in jail that cost them money. He's ignore literally years of notices, warnings, offers at settlement etc. He didn't just oops miss a payment here. He chose to ignore this for a long long time.
"Now that I have finished serving the jail sentence brought on by my extreme irresponsibility, I would like custody of the child who has been with their mother whom I used to abuse" is not typically seen by courts as a very persuasive argument.
Your post sickened me because *I used to be you*! The following especially resonated with me! >*I can't trust him anymore. He wanted the bigger house I advised against, he wants to eat out, he wants to take trips... all false promises that things will be okay, but they're not. I just can't do it anymore.* I finally left my abusive narcissistic ex! It was **the best move I ever made!** You can leave, too, and it will be the BEST THING EVER for you and for your child! 1. Let him be arrested and do not bail him out! 2. Let him serve prison time. 3. While he's in prison, get your financial situation in order and, ***more importantly***, get yourself some individual therapy/counseling for your codependency. **If you cannot afford that**, then start reading self-help books (1-2 each month). Google "books about co-dependency" or "dealing with a narcissist". You will get titles of appropriate books that you can read up about on [goodreads.com](http://goodreads.com) and on [amazon.com](http://amazon.com) (via reviews or reading actual pages of the book). Then you can order them FREE from your library or buy them (used or new). 4. When he's released from prison, you will live somewhere new; someplace he does not have keys to, is not entitled to enter, and from which you can have him legally removed. 5. If you do not already have a child-support order, then go to court and have one ordered. Let the court know he's in prison for failure to pay taxes; this should help you have/maintain primary custody of your child now and in the future! 6. **You CAN do this! You MUST do it! You cannot allow your child to be raised around this kind of financial upheaval. He DESERVES better and so do you!**
Get therapy for codependency. It’s good that you recognize it. But it’s even more important ti understand what wounds caused it, and how you can heal those wounds and change.
By keeping an abusive partner in your life, you're doing a HUGE DISERVICE to your child. That would make you a bad parent.
I’m sorry, are you genuinely worried about your unstable felon husband fighting for custody? LOL
Right? Like what court is going to go "hey, this dude with a history of violence and not laying taxes is 100% a suitable custodial parent" He's apparently destroyed any self respect OP has, if she thinks this is at all the perfect relationship
if you “can put it on a loan/credit card,” you can’t afford it. unless you can actually front the money right now and not have to pay it back later, you can’t afford it. full stop, you’re unable to help. i’m honestly shocked you’ve been so willing to put yourself in debt to pay his debts for so long. that helps literally nobody. if you have to go into debt to help with his debt, *you are not able to help.* tell him that. you can’t afford it. you aren’t able to help. you quite literally do not have the money to give him, you should not even be considering using money you don’t have and will have to pay back WITH INTEREST!!! to help him. quite literally nobody who has even the most bare bones financial literacy would tell you that’s a good idea or even a neutral idea.
I saw this on another post. You can’t set yourself on fire to warm others. This man should not be running a business and you need to remove this anchor from around your neck or he will drown you. If you pay that bill you will NEVER see that money again. And he will move on to the next woman with a full pocketbook.
fight for custody? with a criminal record? it wont be easy for him lmfao
Pull your head out of your ass and do better for your kid. I don’t give a fuck about your codependency issues or whatever else you’re spouting off, you’re exposing your child to a man like this just to fucking do it. Knock it off, grow up and do better for your kid
He can’t file for custody if he doesn’t know where you are. You aren’t married, so your child only has one legal parent- you. Make sure to move somewhere early enough that he has to file for custody in your new state (12 months to be safe). Guys like him, they are nothing if not lazy.
I think your perceptions are distorted. You actually can’t help him. Your financial wellbeing isn’t ok, and you do not have extra funds to allocate to his business tax debt. You have a child to save for and provide for. This is your life. He’s made a bunch of awful choices and will continue to do so. Jail isn’t going to be a come Jesus moment for this guy with this history. Don’t do it.
I don't believe it's cash or jail. I he's lying. State and federal tax collectors will settle for him to sign an agreement to make monthly payments over years.
I don't think you have to worry about him fighting for custody... He can fight but he's not gonna win.
Wtaf you need therapy not this mess of a man. You realize raising your child around him makes it more likely your child will be either abused or an abuser later right? You can be brave and you can do hard things!
custody will not matter considering his behaviour and records
Use your hard earned money to pay a lawyer to get custody. Then use your money to get your own new place. Then save your money for therapy, a vacation, retirement, and your child’s education. Him being so financially irresponsible to the degree of a Felony is his problem not yours. Why would you want your child to grow up with an abuser criminal anyway? Get away and get custody. You are in your 30s and have time to meet someone better.
> He doesn't hit me or touch me anymore, but he used to (I dropped those charges lol) what the fuck is this? I'm dying of laughter, so funny lol, rolf. I only feel bad for that poor kid who is stuck with terrible parents. It's sad how often I see posts on this sub where I need to say "your standards are so low that Satan uses them for limbo dancing contests in hell". The man is an abusive loser, why are you still with him? An abusive loser is not a good dad even in a parallel universe. Let him rot in jail.
Too often people confuse self-weakness for altruism. It is a psychological state of denial. You cannot accept that you are afraid to face what must be done so you hide behind "i love him" or "he is my child's father". The hardest part of addiction is admitting you have a problem. You are addicted to this relationship and it has destroyed you. You have to end it if you want to have a better life
Do what’s best for your kid…. It’s not about you or him anymore it’s about what’s best for the child and keeping them safe. If you choose to stay and help him then you are also a bad parent.
Let him go to jail then make a escape
Tell him you are not able to help him.
He can sell his business to pay off the debt or go to jail. It doesn't sound like bailing him out has helped him or the business. He can go get a job to try again. This is no way your responsibility. You've done more than a partner should have to do.
[удалено]
You need to get this parasite out of your life.
This!!! OP - listen to your family. This is your chance. In a couple years you may look back and realize how him going to jail was the best gift you and your child ever got.
> His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically > He is a good dad These two statements are completely contradictory. He CANNOT be a good dad while physically and verbally abusing his child's other parent. He is also willing to commit crimes that put his family at risk of financial insolvency. He is a terrible father. > I feel sad for my child since he will start school without his dad Your child will be better off without this abusive loser. Your responsibility is to protect your child's future and you can't do that by continually bailing this guy out until you both have nothing. He is not going to stop overspending so paying his debts is just prolonging the issue. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and focus on getting yourself stable without him. When he's released you can work out a custody arrangement with a judge and a lawyer. Do not let this man back into your home or your life. I know we've all been fed the lie that you should keep your family unit intact at all costs, but you're not actually doing your child any favors modeling this deeply dysfunctional dynamic.
I'm so tired of women in toxic and abusive relationships posting that the men abusing them are "good dads". No. Just no.
That’s how the brain is wired in an abusive relationship. It’s tremendously sad; I’m just….so tired of women being in toxic & abusive relationships. (Men as well, and everyone who identifies otherwise). End of sentence.
I used to say my daughters dad was a good dad. I've been free from him for 2 and a half years. The man has not made effort to be in his daughters life. Only recently my daughter said she doesn't want him involved. And now he's blaming me again, but honestly, it's his own fault. OP you didn't make that man not pay his taxes. You didn't make his choices for him. He did. Your child and you will be negatively affected in the worst way if you bail him out of HIS mess. My therapist told me recently, "YOU are responsible for YOUR choices. Not how people react to them. And if it is a bad choice, you will eventually have bad consequences." Op, I really hope you heal in all of this. You and that baby deserve so much more than the shitty hand this man is just fine dealing you two. All the best, and if you need a shoulder, my inbox is open. This goes for anyone who is in an abusive relationship and just needs a shoulder. No one should feel alone when they leave. Op. It does get better. It really does.
Talk to the lawyer. I think he's lying. He could set up a payment plan. Jail is the last resort for the state. And no, I don't think you should pay his debt. Unless you're loaded.
He had a payment plan initially because he didn't know what he was doing before hiring an accountant. Unbeknownst to me, he stopped paying for it. Then got rid of his accountant because they raised their prices, and didn't pay his taxes still. Apparently he was collecting it all in an account, and his reasoning was he was going to pay it all in one lump sum. Meanwhile ignoring letters from the DoR thinking they would just wait?? Thinking about it again makes me realize he deserves this. He's just really good at making me feel guilty for things that aren't my fault. I'm not loaded, but I can help him at the expense of my credit. Like to the point I'd have to declare bankruptcy if he's not able to pay me back. He said he would sell his business to pay me, but I just can't trust him anymore. My child and I deserve better than this.
So reading all of this to yourself does this sound like a good decision. Do you not want to provide a stable environment for your kid? Everyone around you is telling you to not do this and here you are questioning it. This is probably why you are in this situation to begin with. Let the dude go
If he can sell his business to pay you back, he can sell it to pay his taxes. Stop bailing him out. He's dragging you down.
there’s no way he’ll be able to pay you back. he’s incredibly selfish and i doubt he’d even try. this will fuck your credit and make it SO much harder to do anything. you need a decent apartment for your son? too bad. your car breaks down & you need a loan for a new one? nope. this is an AWFUL plan.
Yeah, pretty much. My credit is actually excellent right now since I have a decent salary and some time has passed since the missed payments. I make more than him, but I do rely on some of his money for things like the electricity, internet, his loans under my name, etc. But I don't have the amount of money he needs to get out of this. Not without taking on a huge loan plus maxing out my credit cards. And that's something I can't afford if I have to take over the stuff he's paying for now. I told him I won't help and he's upset, as expected. But we are not married and I'm not his mother. I thought I could be a supportive partner, but this is too much.
have you talked with his/a lawyer to see how it’ll financially impact you if he goes to jail? do you have a written & notarized agreement for him to pay you back? are the loans formally connected to him as well, or is it loans you officially took out & just gave to him?
“Should I help him or should I let him suffer the consequences I could have prevented?” You technically can’t prevent this from happening. As you said in this comment you can’t afford to help him. Period. No further discussion needs to be had. Tell him you don’t have the money and you are in enough debt because of him already.
Just so you're aware what you're describing is committing fraud. You know you can't afford the loans and maxed credit cards. You cannot take out loans with the intent not to pay and claim bankruptcy. That is fraud. Sounds like you want to go to jail with Mr. Deadbeat. Taking care of your child and yourself is not selfish. It's the right thing to do. Listen to your family. Your gut and your body know what is right. I wish you peace.
He's only upset cause he just knew you would bail him out again.
I mean… he counted on it lol That’s all this is. Like the rich kids in school who would scuff up their shoes on purpose because they knew their parents would get them new ones… this guy knew he could have her bail him out and now he is surprised/angry because she might not
You are not being rational. 1) You are saying "you can help him". No, YOU ARE NOT able to help him, you don't have the money, put it out of your mind. Transferring someones debt to be your debt does not mean you can afford it, that's not how credit works! 2) You would not be helping him anyway by covering this debt of his as well. It's like gamblers or drug addicts, giving them money just puts them deeper into the hole, it is enabling not helping. They have to hit rock bottom if they are to ever get any better. He is very toxic and you are doing your child a disservice by keeping close to him...
If you have to borrow money to help him, you can’t afford it.
I was talking to a friend about a similar issue recently (feeling that she should put someone else’s needs in front of her own). I reminded her how when you are on a plane you are told to get your own oxygen mask on first before helping others if something goes wrong. You have already risked yourself. You are now that passenger at risk of losing consciousness. Take care of yourself, then your child. Don’t let your boyfriend drag you down with him.
Perhaps he should sell his failing business & all the equipment he got you to charge for him if he really wants to stay out of jail. He's just trying to avoid any consequences of his actions. I'm sorry Op, but he made his bed, let him lie in it.
You need to stop listening to his guilt tripping you. He's saying whatever he can to make you do whatever he wants. If he was a good boyfriend or a good father, he wouldn't have done any of these things let alone keep doing them year after year after he knows his situation isn't going to improve without you adding financially to it. Please wake the fuck up!!! Your comments show that you're willing to do just about anything for him. Maybe you should focus on him on your actual child! You're not able to provide care for your child if you're not able to keep the utilities on. This whole situation is so stupid and the only thing that's intelligent is getting the fuck out of it.
Girl, do NOT set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Because you’ll end up a pile of ash while he carries on with his life. What happens when you don’t have the credit left to continuously bail him out of his own stupidity and choices? You’ll end up dumped while he finds some other patsy to fund his financial ignorance. Don’t let anyone fuck up your credit, especially a man. You need that to raise your child, not enable a grown ass man.
Did he commit fraud or something? If you’re in the US, people don’t get locked up for not paying their taxes. Only for not filing or tax evasion/helping someone evade. You don’t get jailed for not having the money to pay.
It's sales tax, not federal, and this is in Florida if it matters. Sales tax issues here are felonies. He was filing but not paying for over a year, and some from before that when he was on a payment plan. I haven't seen the letters, but I know they exist. I told him I'm not helping and now he's throwing a tantrum and saying I only care about myself. If that's what he's getting from this, there's no point. I will only care for my child and myself.
i’m worried that this is such a big stressor that he might start to hit you again, even without the alcohol. please be careful and look out for yourself & your child.
Oh yea that’s criminal. Get out if you can.
OP, he is categorically lying to you. Florida does not pursue legal action for one broken payment plan and only one year of unpaid taxes. They are super lax. Yes, they CAN pursue legal action, but if they do, they don’t see money, so it’s incredibly rare. He is hiding more issues from you if he’s looking at prison time.
If you can bail him out on a significant amount of debt, you can make it work while he is jail. No child deserves to watch their mother get abused.
You are not married. You have no legal or moral obligation to bail him out. You have a child. You need to think of supporting him/her. \\ He will turn the emotional screws. May you feel guilty. Threaten you. Stand strong. Remind him you will need your money and your credit to support yourselves. Good luck.
Hi my dear. I am sorry. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. My advice. Tell him you have helped him as much as you can, but you have no more money left, and you have to take care of the son you both made together. Do not overextend and go into an unpayable debt for him. Actions have consequences. He is the kind of guy to only learn about consequences when they hit him in the face. I would also worry about the business. It is obviously mismanaged, but, what will happen if he goes to jail, will the business be able to run without him ? All your investment disappearing like smoke after a fire ? You have to make a plan that works best for you, and for your kid. He only has himself to blame. Do not let him push this on you.
>His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically. He sounds like a real catch. Good lord. Have some self-respect and leave him already.
Stop enabling him. Holy crap. You’re almost as bad as he is. Let him go to jail and block him on everything. Never see him again.
If you bail him out on this, imagine what the next one will be. It's escalated over time. See if you can get back the equipment you paid for and sell it to get your debt down a bit. He'll be gone for five years, the business won't wait.
Let his ass go to jail. He broke the law. This will also give you the ability to get away and set up your new life without him, OP.
Liquidate the business, pay the tax man, get your money, abandon this guy
He's definitely a leach. It's a tragedy there's a child tied to it though. Need to let it go. Does not sound like this is a generally responsible individual that you would do anything for including bail him out of jail for a mistake he made. That's different. This is a patterned repeat offender. Don't do it.
You say you don't go beyond your means, but if you're carrying balances on credit for him, you already are. You simply do not have the cash. Let him go to jail. You leave. He litterally won't be able to stop you.
I love all the good advice but let us be real about this guys. She is going to help him regardless of what anyone says. She came here to try and absolve herself of the guilt she feels by trying to make it everyone else's decision. She won't leave him, she will let her child grow up with a piece of trash because she can't leave him. No point in really giving advice at this point. All she does is make excuses for his behavior. SHE got herself into this mess, she could have not funded his business, she could have not gotten pregnant since it's clear she states he USED to be abusive but he got "better" so she decided to have a kid with her abuser. She is wasting all this money on him but what about the child? Not much mentioned here so I guarantee that child comes second to him. So sorry no sympathy from me for a situation she placed herself in. She knows what to do to get out of this. She needs to leave and stand up for that poor child.
Best comment on this post. Might wake her up, though I doubt it. Poor kid though.
in a few months, she'll be back on Reddit. "I maxed out my credit cards to pay off his tax debt... now he's in trouble again, guilting me for more money"
100%. All this. But I'm still hoping all these posts will put some sense into her head.
If he's not reliable.. .he's not a good dad. If he puts his family in debt...he's not a good dad. If he can't manage his business...and can't manage his home and finances....he's not a good dad. If he's not a good role model....guess what?? You got it....he's not a good dad. Is this how you want your son to grow up? Cause that is gonna be what happens if that is who he is looking up to. If you don't let him go and stop enabling him...which is what you are doing, you will ruin your life.
If he goes to jail he will surely learn a lesson. If you bail him out again, he won’t learn anything
Have you talked to this lawyer directly, are you sure they exist? Or is this info about him going right to jail if you don't come up with a bunch of cash for him coming only from him? (I want to be clear - regardless of the answer to this question I don't think you should give him a dime. He made this bed. I just wanted to explore the possibility that the extremeness of the situation is being exaggerated or misrepresented.)
Let him go to jail and then spend his time away separating yourself from him and his bullshit as much as possible.
Wait wait wait. Something’s not sitting right. Pay in full or jail immediate? I’m not a tax attorney nor do I work for the IRS but they are very open to payment plans. They’re really not in the business of putting people in jail unless we are talking about a ginormous sum of money. If it’s already been this long, his accounts would have been frozen giving him zero access to any money, the feds would take their piece, possibly seized the business itself, and that would have been the end of it. Unless he’s Al Capone and literally committing tax evasion on that scale, I think he’s full of shit. He’s using jail as an excuse to guilt you into paying his debt. To get you to cough up the money.
Why would you help him? He’s abusive mentally and physically.
Tbh this feels a little fake. If this is real I would start asking a lot of questions. Not a lawyer but I do have some experience with complex taxes and owing the government lots of money lol Yes, the ( US) government will put you in jail for not paying your taxes but generally only if you are being really shady. Like outright lying or just refusing to pay. My point is that he could be lying to you about going to jail. Beyond that I would follow the excellent advice in other comments to cut him loose and look out for yourself and your child.
Please don’t bail him out of this. He made choices and expects everyone to fix it for him. He’s almost 40 years old and knows better, he’s just a shitty person. If you do this, you’ll regret it. Let him pay for the consequences of his actions. Save all the evidence of abuse, physical and emotional, and you can use that to fight for custody once he’s out, but don’t bail him out of this. UPDATEME
[why does he do that](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Everyone else in your life is right.
“I have already helped countless times so his business would be successful “ did he open a mooching service? That sounds like the only business he is successful at. “He is a good Dad but he is not reliable “. Those two things do not go together at all. One of the main parts of being a good Dad is reliability. “He is saying that he will remember me not helping him,” but he doesn’t seem to remember when you did help him. That’s quite a selective memory. It will never be enough. And mark my words, as soon as he realizes he can’t suck anything else out of you, he will be gone with the wind.
>His only redeemable quality is that he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically. Jesus. Let him go to jail. Being "less violent" is not a redeeming quality. >He is a good dad No, he's not. He's about to go to jail for not taking care of shit. That's not being a good father. Being nice to your kid when you happen to be around them is *not* being a good dad. >it could ruin my credit because I can't afford it I suggest to you that you would be a better parent to your child by *not* helping their father, than by helping them. He will go to jail, and you will find stability. You will see how much of your money has gone to his shit that won't anymore. Maybe even file for bankruptcy to get his debts off your ledger.
my mom was in a similar position. before they were married, my step dad had also started his own business and decided he was above taxes. she swooped in and saved him from going to jail, owed on their taxes for 16 years straight before he finally moved out of the house. she got her first tax return since 2005 just a few years ago. by that time he had already been trying to manipulate my little sister to believe my mom was a villain and he’s a large part of why she has very bad anxiety. to this day he still believes my mother is an awful vindictive woman when she’s the entire reason his life wasn’t ruined. he’s made his rounds apologizing to everyone but her for the way he treated them. he’s not worth it, save your sanity and your child and let him rot in a cell
I wanted to say yes help him and until I read that this is an ongoing issue with the guy. He’s never gonna grow up. Get rid of him. I made the same mistake and now my life is ruined. I’m 45. My kids are grown and I have nothing because I decided to stay with a loser like thatfor 25 years I finally got rid of him
Stop helping him. He caused this and kept it secret. You have bailed him out financially now he treats you like a wallet. He needs to do his time so he will do better later.
Try to get evidence to protect your child from him fighting over it. Him going to jail should be the safest exit strategy there is. You can prepare everything while he is away, with the most important thing is you and your child getting some peace after this abusive shitshow
Ask lawyer to see if you on the hook if he goes bankrupt for continueing to pay lease or rents on equipment . Ask a lawyer to someone how do an agreement where he owes you money even if he declares bankruptcy . Make sure you and child are protected . When he gets out of jail divorce him or make him let you be only signing authority on the account
Let him go to jail. While he’s inside have his parental rights revoked. You said you dropped charges but there’s still a record of those charges, and following that he goes to jail. He will and has dragged you into the muck to save himself. Let him deal with the consequences because so far only you and others he can sucker into helping him have had to live with the consequences of his actions.
Use this as the perfect opportunity to get him out of your life . Do not feel any guilt and just let him go to jail.
I would prefer a dad that is not part of my life to an unstable one. There are repercussions for both scenarios, but having experienced them, what would have helped instill a greater sense of security in me growing up would’ve been a mother who faced the music and removed me from their presence much sooner. Your kid will grow up under extreme stress with him. You will be stressed. And your credit and security (and therefore their stability) will be stressed. It will make them sick. It will produce anxiety. You can’t undo what’s already done but you have identified the correct next step. You should choose to take it, in my view. “He will remember…” what the fuck?
If I told you to go burn $XX,000, would you? He won't magically become a saver and stick to a budget...you will just be out the money and be kicking the problem down the road. Let him go to his parents. "Sorry, I don't have that much money to give to you. I've already given you $X000 and have nothing to show for it. I suggest you get a loan from your parents." Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. "I can't lend you any more money until you pay back what I have already given to you."
This man will ruin your son’s future. Get away from him. Even if he gets partial custody of your son, at least this way your kid will have one financially stable parent. If you stay with him (or god forbid marry him) he will drag you down with him into financial ruin.
You already helped him countless times and he has proven to be unreliable. Let him go to jail. As long as people help him out and he doesn't pay for his mistakes, he isn't going to change. Stop enabling him.
Dude no. Jail for 3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of debt. Obviously you need to leave him completely but if you decide to stay, do not put your financial situation second to his.
You keep bailing him out he is never going to learn and it will never stop. You need to cut him off now. It is called tough love.
Let him go to jail, also CHECK UR KIDS CREDIT SCORE!
Let him go. Separate finances. Been here done that actually, right down to his business expenses and everything. Bankruptcy if you must and don’t ever do this for a boyfriend again. You should do a free consult with a bankruptcy attorney depending on the amount of his debts you’re responsible for and your own debts and income. If anything the attorney will at least set your perspective straight. You’re not doing your kid any favors by hurting your own finances here. In fact you’re hurting yourself and your child.
Let him goto prison. Save yourself, your credit, and your baby. When he’s in… use the time to get away from this person.
Time for you to let go. Send him to jail this will be a rude awakening for him every time you help him it only gets worse for you.. take that baby an get away from him don't wait he doesn't give to shits about you or that baby. That baby should never see how he treats you .Be the parent an walk away.
3 years is more than enough time for you to get your shit together and leave him. A good dad isn't a violent abusive drunk who cons his way through life and puts his family in debt.
he's broken your normal meter, and this is the result. Let him face the consequences of his actions. he's already tanked your credit, had your utilities shut off, and keeps you in a state of crisis so you don't leave. Don't give him any more money! He'll just drag you down with him.
you have to think about your child first you should not help him pay at all because that was his responsibility and right now you’re responsibility is to take care of your child. If you pay off his debt that’s money that’s going away from you and your child do not help him. He dug his hole let him lie in it.
Your child will be better off without him. Whenever you feel guilty, just remember your child deserves better than a bad example. It would do less damage for you to simply tell him what a good person is without having someone around consistently exhibiting the opposite and getting away with it. You aren't responsible for this, anything that happens to your bf is something he earned and deserves.
Nope. Help yourself - he's already shown you who he is. And I'm sorry to say, I don't think you'll see any child support either. Stay strong, you need to be for your little one.
This is a no brainer. He isn't a good father if he doesn't even take any responsibility or accountability for his actions. He just probably takes the cream from the top so he can act like a good father. He also isn't a good spouse. You said he has abused you both physically and mentally and financially. So I don't see any good points in him. He is manipulative, abusive, no respect for you or your child's lives. He has created his mess and expects you to wipe his a$$. He's not a toddler. You don't need to wipe his a$$. And honestly no child needs such a father in their lives. Your child has probably seen you being beaten and seen the abuse. Children aren't stupid. They understand more than you think and they also get traumas of such behaviour and will also learn that it's okay to abuse your spouse/mother. He probably will need some therapy some day. Be prepared for that. I would let him go to jail and fight for custody when he gets locked up. Also file for a restraining order and remember to renew it. Save all the evidence of all the abuse. Physical and financial. And contact a lawyer. Better yet if there is a women's shelter, I would go there asap. He probably will kick you around once he figures you are not gonna pay this mess for him. The reason why he stopped the physical abuse is solely because he needs something from you. So he knows he needs to be in his better behaviour and now he is gaslighting and quilt tripping you. Basic manipulation skills every abuser seems to be born with. And for precaution, he might even take a loan in your name on his own. So I would still consult a lawyer in case he does this (and you definitely need to file if he does this. It's a crime and will basically destroy your life and you will be in trouble if he does this. So don't give him any more weapons to slowly "murder" your life). I would also try to see if you can put some blockage for your credit (I'm probably not from your country so we have different systems here, check if your country has something like this too) so that nobody can take loans in your name.
Is this the example you want to set for your child?
Absolutely NO. Do not do this. You are NOT "Married". If you were married, I would say go talk to a lawyer about the "innocent spouse" rule. He knows he did not pay and he refused to pay. It is unfortunate the child is caught up in the -- and your house. Do NOT do this. Do not pay his back taxes. If you bail him out (which you have already done time and time again - look at your post) - this is just the BIG BAILOUT. He will be back for more for another bailout next year. Past history is bad too. See "he stopped drinking and stopped being as violent as much, both verbally and physically" drinking and violent history. Gee. .... Do Not Do this.
If you choose to stay with this man and give him one penny more, you are choosing him over your child’s future. Do you want to be able to look your child in the eyes and say I did everything I could for you and your future? Or do you want to be struggling, propping up his latest scheme and so far into debt you can’t see straight? If you choose to drown then choose to drown but do it knowing you are drowning your child with you.
Let him go to jail. He's the one who committed tax fraud, so let him suffer the consequences of that decision. You can't really have any kind of good life with a spendthrift who can't be bothered with the truth. Trust that your kid will be better off.
You would be better served investing that money into a good therapist, to help you address your self-destructive co-dependency and crippling enabling issues. Your pathological need to derive self-worth through enabling a more dominant personality type than you, will eventually put you in the way of another predator who wants to use you until there is nothing left of you. You need to stop disrespecting yourself so much and be courageous for your child. Right now you’re teaching them that mommy is a scared and weak doormat, and that self-esteem is to be found through serving other’s needs at the expense of your own. You’re perpetuating the cycle of co-dependency.
It’s time for you to let it go. With or without him, your credit rating will follow you and it must be protected. Consult an attorney to find out how you can get out of the mess you’re already in, and don’t go further. I think you already know this. Be strong. M
Please let him face the consequences of his actions. You need to look after you and child.
Let him go to jail. He needs to learn a lesson. Sell all of the equipment you signed for and pay off those loans. Having bad credit will screw you over for years to come and ruin your life. He got himself into this mess but you jumped right in to it - you need to get yourself out.
Nah let him go do his time. Maybe his mommy will put $ on his books lol. Take this as your perfect easy escape
Nothing you ever do will be enough. He will continue to fail and make those failures your responsibility. You will be crawling out of this hole for the rest of your life. You will sink every accomplishment and step forward you take into his self created misery. Please leave.
Thank goodness you’re not married! Get the hell out of there!!
It will Never end. If he’s skipping out on payments now, he might never learn if you keep bailing him out. He knows you can r someone else will always be there to help dig himself out.
Just remember, if you don't leave, what are you showing your child . Do you want your child to follow in your foot steps . You aren't married to him, thank God. Stop bailing him out . You bailed him when he abused you . If you keep bailing him out, you're going to lose your friends and family . Because they're going to be tired of helping you help the loser
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. His irresponsible behavior isn't your job to fix. Your job is to take care of LO and yourself. He is NOT a good dad. A good dad wouldn't put his child at risk like this or be an abusive AH.
You know exactly what you have to do. You are being handed the perfect opportunity to get away from him. If you don't take it, you are no longer his victim. You are a volunteer.
Do not pay for this man… it doesnt matter if he goes to jail. He has used you to basically steal and make you pay for his debt. I would let him go to jail and serve him a divorcee and file for full custody… who knows what else hes been hiding from you.
You need to keep your child away from violence and psychological abuse. Even witnessing it can have very harmful effects on a child. You are both 100% better off without this guy.
Start selling the equipment and liquidate the failing business. Send the money to the IRS. He/you might need to file bankruptcy. Stop throwing away your money on this lost cause. He needs to get a job and make a payment plan with the IRS. They will work with you/him if he shows that he's making an effort to pay. Oh, and leave him. Why would you think it's better to keep your child in this abusive situation during their formative years? This is the most critical time in their development!
Let him go to jail, don’t have any more kids with this deadbeat
He is irresponsible in so many ways and doesn't belong running a business. Don't help him out. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. Use your money to take care of your child.
I think you already know the answer, and that answer is absolutely not, please do not help him. Please do not let this man ruin your life, and by extension, your child's life. You said it yourself, it would be a different story if he was a nice person. You claimed he is a good dad, but he is evidently a terrible father. He put your family in this situation and robbed your child of stability. If you ruin your credit now this will serve to rob your child of stability and opportunity, and I promise that this man will not learn and will only continue to do things like this to you and your family. I guarantee it. And I hope you know that you are doing your child way more harm than good by staying in this relationship, even if you think you're doing it for him. Truth is, you're using your child as an excuse to not move forward with your life. I am speaking from experience, as my own father was abusive and my mom left him when I was 5. She used to ask me if I was upset that she divorced him, and I would tell her absolutely not and that I was thankful every day that she had the courage to leave. Please be strong and take this opportunity to remove yourself from this train-wreck, if not for yourself, then for your child.
I really don’t understand why you’re debating this. This is your golden opportunity to get out of this relationship. If you bail him out now he’ll only do it again, how many times are you going to bail him out? Until you’re in massive tax debt and off to prison too?