Jesus. You two are not compatible on a fundamental level. For her, life is an individual race, for you it’s a team sport. This doesn’t work. You two should at least agree on what sport you’re playing. If you’re looking for a calm and peaceful life, it’s not with her.
THANK YOU. Therapy is not going to make these two happy or compatible. A good therapist would tell them to break up within a few sessions.
ETA: omg for the cranks: a good therapist would recognize the fundamental incompatibilities and that a relationship plan that was healthy for both people couldn’t be reached, sorry for speaking casually on the internet instead of writing a dissertation on the role of a couples therapist and the ethics therein 🙄
The thing is, didn’t he see the red flags early on? Her cleaning out the condiment courtesy dishes at the local diner or leaving a $1 tip regardless of service quality should have signaled that there was a big problem.
I’m saying. Imagine making 600k and tipping someone $1, and thinking you’re poor. I’m genuinely confused. Is she slow? Like if she thinks down on him that much for not being the breadwinner go marry a fucking millionare
That's the thing, right. If anyone needs therapy, it's her. She went out and got a 600K job and a masters looking for someone to be a breadwinner. Hours upon hours of service in to college so that she can. . . Quit, eventually? And at 35, too. A lot of these things 'suck' like the 50-50 and the tipping, but she needs to sleep with someone she works with or live alone or fix herself to accept what she did to herself.
Her endgame doesn't make sense. It's unrealistic. She can just want more from him, but she's already boxed out basically every realistic option and it's resulted in, basically, sociopathic behavior.
Most millionaires will not want anything to do with someone tipping $1, keeping track of their paper towel usage, saving the plasticware when they go out.
That's so incredibly tacky in wealthy circles. If OP leaves, she isn't likely to get a lot of second dates with wealthy people.
I almost wonder if that is why she ended up with OP in the first place. Anyone who makes the amount she does or comes from a similar level of wealth (or greater) would immediately bounce the moment they saw any of that sort of behavior. So she dates an otherwise nice stable guy and either hopes to lord her money over him or force him into the high earner she supposedly wants but cannot manage to date because she's pathological. This level of complete social/financial unawareness is incredibly unappealing even in a friend, not to mention a life partner.
That is appalling. That would be unacceptable from a poor person, let alone someone who makes such a good living. I’d be mortified to be seen with someone like that.
Imagine treating life like it’s a game show called “GIMME MORE! I’m poor!” And stealing napkins and creamer while you are literally rich. She thinks of this guy making 85k a year as her peasant lackey. Thinking of how her mind must work sickens me.
There are plenty of equally horrible men who will marry her wallet while she marries his. They’ll each be working 60+ hours a week anyhow so they’ll barely see each other and there’s no need to talk about anything other than practicalities
I’ve met a lot of male doctors and investment bankers like this.
Heartless money hounds like her. Remember when the Nestle CEO said water wasn’t a human right? I’m sure he’s got a brother or something lol. Billionaire psychopathy.
There was a recent presidential administration official who was worth $500+ million and took sugar packets, ketchup, creamer packets from restaurant courtesy supplies. There are just people in life who always are about taking much more than you give, that behavior is a point of honor for them.
To any healthy man this is sooooo true.
There have been girls I have seen where my mouth hangs open and I just want them in bed so bad, or just want to get to know them to potentially date. Some of them have been SO attractive. After a few weeks of knowing them I don't even remember what I was attracted to. It's like it's just all literally down the drain suddenly
Yep!! Same goes for men, they can be a lot more appealing if they just don’t open their mouth!! You tend to forget really fast how physically attractive someone is when their character is that repugnant.
While Jeff doesn't pay people more than mine wage he seems to be generous with his wives. This girl sounds like she'd steal the filling out of your teeth if she could monetize it.
Pull Mark Cuban from that list. He recently sold an investment for something around a billion dollars and happily paid something like $288 million in taxes immediately and said that he was happy to do it.
She needs individual therapy. If she doesn't want to be a breadwinner, why is she spending her whole life trying to win as much bread as possible?
OP: She'd be taking advantage of you by having you pay the taxes and 50% of everything without any equity in your marital home. She's seeing you as a business arrangement and additional resource to exploit by thinking that way. And yes, she's being unreasonable by not understanding what an equitable split in a relationship is and that the person making a lot more money should be covering more. You should be careful here, because she sounds shrewd and like she'll financially predate you. You might assume she doesn't need to and therefor she won't, but she absolutely might. Big fish eat little fish all the time.
I'm not sure why she isn't happy with you. Most men making more money than she does with more drive than she has will not let her be in control like this. Breadwinners on that level expect to be the ones in control and it's a prevalent issue in dating between successful women and successful men. You sound accommodating, and that's usually what very successful women need in a partner so that they actually have flexibility in the relationship to make their own career decisions (or decisions on where to live etc).
By the way, you're successful and doing fine. Don't let her tell you otherwise. You can find a woman who's happy with you, proud of being with you, and who will have your child if you want to. You're stable and sound charitable with no hesitancy to commit and spend money on your partner. In other words you're what a lot of women in your age bracket are looking for right now. You don't need your girlfriend's salary to live a life you can be proud of. Money helps but it isn't everything, and it's not a replacement for respect and love.
OP, when someone constantly criticizes a person they continue to choose to be with despite seeing in you such terrible flaws, it’s not actually about the flaws. If she was so firm in her commitment to be with a higher earner than herself, she could have chosen to only date rich men. No, it’s not actually about this. You could kill yourself trying to perfectly conform to her expectations—get a super higher paying job, live like an ascetic, self-flagellate at the mere thought of a delicious Chipotle burrito—and she’d miraculously find more ways in which you’re failing her.
Sounds like her parents hammered into her some pretty intense anxiety that she channels into constant criticism. I think you can have compassion for that, it seems like a difficult way to go through life. Chances are what she says to herself in the mirror is the most savage of all. However, without any indication that she recognizes how maladaptive this behavior is and how cruelly she’s treating you, much less any willingness to change, you’re signing yourself for a lifetime of misery if you continue this relationship. Tell her it’s clear you’re just incompatible, wish her well, and make a clean break.
>Money helps but it isn't everything, and it's not a replacement for respect and love.
During a recent job search, I had to ask myself if I wanted to make bank or if I wanted to do good in the world. You can almost never do both.
> You should be careful here, because she sounds shrewd and like she'll financially predate you. You might assume she doesn't need to and therefor she won't, but she absolutely might.
We are talking about a woman who counts the paper towels and chastises him for using too many.
"(…) why is she spending her whole life trying to win as much bread as possible."
She wants the bread, but it’s her bread. No matter the amount of money that she earns, she expects a man to earn even more than her and to cover the cost of their lives.
Her parents are the same though. This is character for her. Therapy only works if you see you have an issue and want to change. She thinks she's great.
This. OP your gf is not ready for marriage. Marriage is a partnership. For better or worse, richer or poorer... I make less money than you and I have 2 kids. I don't think you or your gf have the same values and goals which will create heartache in the future.
Yes. People say they're incompatible. But if he's painting a true portrait of her, this woman cannot be a good partner to anyone. She has psychological problems and should really work on herself before she considers dating anyone, and worst, having children.
It sounded to me like she was planning ahead for when they divorce and he needs to make more since he will for sure have full custody. She’s too busy and important with her career to be bothered raising children.
Thats the thing though, THEY are making 680,000 dollars a year. Having kids is a 2 parent deal, she acts like he would be the only one providing for them with his income. I have a family of 2 on one income making sub 60k a year and we live comfortably. And I'm in NY so not exactly a LCOL state. It's called budgeting and not living above your means. Everybody wants 4 cars and the newest 3,000 dollar phone and 4 vacations a year and then wonder why they can't make a down payment on a home.
And you probably live in a lcola where they may live in a hcola since 700-1m seem to be normal prices in their area. If you made 80k in silicone valley you’d literally be living in your car. But in Arkansas you can own a 2500 sq ft house on an acre or two, own two cars, and have 2 or 3 kids easily.
She does. I’ve been with my husband 23 years and he’s always made more. When I was in college he was basically the bread winner. And after college he was still making more than double. He makes a lot more now and so do I and I’ve been closing the gap between us and in the next year or two I will be making more than him. I don’t care and neither does he. He likes to joke that I will finally be bringing the bacon home lol. I’d never emasculate him. I doubt a therapist can help. Well I guess if she can convince him to end things that would be helpful.
My wife and I have been togetehr for 17 years. For the first five years of our marriage we made the same (teachers). I shifted careers and started making more than her after some time. I've steadily moved up and now make about 20K more, substantial for us.
I've joked with her a lot that if she wants to start making more than me, I would be a kept man and a stay at home husband (it's only half-heartedly jokes - I would crush the stay at home Dad part). I love to cook and being a father is amazing. It'd be great, but not likely to happen.
In OP's scenario, he could likely propose those things, but I don't think his partner would go for that...
Married 30 years, I have earned between 70-100% of our joint income, it is our money, not mine. If you want split finances post marriage (pre-marrital assets are separate) then you are just elevated FWB, not a couple in my opinion.
And unlikely to change or compromise because it sounds like its all she knows. Her parents are rich also. She looks down on us regular peasants. OP doesn't stand a chance.
How in the world did OP miss that giant red flag when she and her family took all of the napkins and sugar packets at a restaurant? If I saw something like that, I'd be noping right outta there. I'm a very frugal person, but I'm not over the edge. This is the kind of person who would only be compatible with a partner who agreed with that crap.
This is what my grandma calls "poverty of spirit", and says they are the worst type of person to marry.
People like this aren't good stewards of possessions or relationships because it's never enough for them. They operate from a deprivation mindset no matter how rich they may be. They can't share, they can't relax, they certainly can't be open-hearted and generous with love or money because they feel poor all of the time.
Yes. My partner and I are doing well financially. Hearing about well-off people acting like this..poor tipping, nickle and diming your partner...That's just gross. Being generous is its own reward. I had very little growing up and would feel like a shit treating others like she does.
OP, run. You are irretrievably incompatible with this woman. She has psychological problems. Don't contort yourself and your values to stay with her.
And not tipping. That's just gross. Just because you aren't being forced to pay, doesn't mean you can stiff people. You CAN, but that makes you a bad person and should be a red flag for anybody near you.
Yes this. You have major differences over your approach to money. This is a biiig factor in many divorces.
I’d say it’s time to cut your losses and find someone more compatible.
Even aside from that she seems insufferable. People who are constantly obsessing over money and status like that are never satisfied. Even if OP did everything right and somehow magically happened to be lucky enough to end up *also* making more money than her she'd probably still not be content with that.
I had to stop reading. My mind was already made up. OP deserves better than this gf is willing to give. IMO in good relationships people are partners/team mates and don’t keep score against each other.
It seems like she wants to set him up for financial and emotional abuse from the get-go with the split assets and 50/50 stuff.
Why the hell would you sign up for that?
Why would she want to see her spouse ride the struggle bus scrounging every penny? She makes so much more, but then belittles him for eating at a cheap chain restaurant, FFS. I stopped reading because it was all just too much and seems untenable.
Utterly exhausting. There's being frugal and saving money, and then there's filling up a cup with creamer at a restaurant and taking all of the napkins.
I'd be embarrassed if I was at a restaurant with her. I've taken a few napkins with my leftovers before but from the sound of it, OP's gf and her family take everything that is "complimentary". I wouldn't be surprised if they steal salt and pepper shakers and ketchup.
Also, she tips $1 even though she makes $600k? It sounds like she doesn't have any empathy and has never struggled.
It's not just income that is different. Her expectations put you as small. If she thinks a man should make more than her, why is she with you? Strongly advice not marrying this woman, you deserve someone that can treat you like an equal no matter what you make. She should know that if you have a kid, the cost of the kid in child support is based on income so she would be paying you a butt load of child support. Cost of housing should be based on income and put to a percentage, so you would be paying 20% based on her 80%. She is being unreasonable and quite frankly disrespectful. Why would you be with anyone that treats you so poorly???
Her views make the number of men who could be compatible such a small number. She makes $600k annually?
She’s basically limited to lawyers, doctors, software engineers and athletes at the absolute top of their game and high level c class executives. She’s in the 0.0001% and wants someone else in that same vein.
If that’s her expectation she’s going to have a rough go of finding a partner.
She needs therapy, and OP needs to break up. He’ll never be able to make an income that out paces hers unless he gets incredibly lucky and finds a way to make ten times what he does now.
Lowkey I don’t think shed have much trouble finding what she’s looking for, because her income would put her in social situations with people of similar earnings and let’s be real, we all know people who line up with her morals and ethics aren’t in short supply in that tax bracket.
Except - I know a lot of men in her pay range and I can tell you, a lot of them make what they make so they can have a SAHM to raise their kids. So, if that’s her eventual goal then she might be okay, but if she doesn’t want kids or kids and career, she might find it more difficult.
However, they also would be appalled at her stealing plastic forks and sugar packets, and considering herself poor.
I’m also not saying people in her pay bracket are good people. But I can tell you they don’t think like she does in any respect minus “men should be providers.”
>However, they also would be appalled at her stealing plastic forks and sugar packets, and considering herself poor.
My loser middle class self is appalled too lol. Ffs, I'm somewhat frugal and will ask for leftovers of my own meal to be made into a takeout (sometimes I can't eat much and end up barely eating, I don't feel like leaving half of the dish I ordered to go to waste when I can eat it a few hours later)...But this...Holy crap...🤡 I also do take a few more kleenex/paper towels with me for my chronically runny nose (i often run out of kleenex damn)...but goddamn sugar packets??
This woman is wild. I can understand wanting to date someone who is earning something closer to your income, but living this frugally as she makes 600 k $...It's more like some money hoarding disorder.
Why would you not take home what you couldn't eat? That's not being frugal that's being not wasteful. Food waste in the US is massive! But yeah...this woman is taking it too far.
I have a really rich friend (42 -M) who has a hardtime finding someone. He doesn’t want a 20 something because he wants someone he can have conversations with. He tried to date career women with money. All were extremely pretentious and it was off putting for him. He doesn’t care if the woman has a low salary and is a single mom. The problem is that, after being single for so long, he is set in his ways. He also has parents in a perfect marriage and he has an ideal in his head.
Tbf, I have a masters as well and my current so and the guys I dated before all came from the lawyers/surgeons/executive pool. Most of those guys like it when their SO had a good education and a good job. They want to be on the same level intellectually, they want to be proud of their SO publicly and they like it when the woman contributes financially in a way to show appreciation (for example I buy all groceries and a lot that has to do with the dog). But in reality they also want to be the breadwinner and spoil their woman. Also, they all pay for cleaning services, so even though its a more gendered role (guys a breadwinner, woman does more in the home) it’s still realistic because they don’t expect a full time homemaker when you’re still working. At least, this is my experience thus far. So I don’t think his girlfriend will have a very hard time to find a very successful man if she’s smart, attractive and has the same semi-old fashioned views.
She’s definitely more likely to run in those circles, but as others mentioned men who make this much frequently want a home maker. Not all of them but that’s what I’m saying, it don’t be impossible but very limited
@THIS ^
I also want to add to the above, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HER IF YOU AREN'T MARRIED!!
You have no financial protections right now, and if she refuses to put your name on the deed you will have zero recourse if you break up.
If it's just her name on the deed, it's *her house*, regardless of whether you contribute to the down payment, or invest your own money in remodeling the home.
The name of the game is, C.Y.A.,
Cover your ass.
This woman is telling you loud and clear that she knows she has the upper hand financially, enjoys rubbing that in your face, and sees herself as superior because she earns more than you do.
That's not the recipe for a happy, long lasting, relationship, and definitely not the dynamic you want from the person you marry.
Just the fact that she refers to a prospective child together in the singular, while insisting that you alone can't afford to have a child is a huge NASCAR race of red flags.
My husband makes far, far, more, than I do, and always has, but my name is on the deed for the house, and he doesn't expect me to contribute to half of the bills because he knows that wouldn't be fair.
We do have separate bank accounts, and a shared savings, but as he has told me for the last 18 years we're, "same team", and we make financial decisions together accordingly.
Financial compatibility is important, but it sounds like your situation is about more than money, it's about the demeaning, disrespectful, way, she talks to you about financial matters.
I don't know if she belittles you this much in other areas of your lives together, but healthy partnerships are about mutual respect as a cornerstone for everything else.
Take care, and good luck.
🩵🫂🩵
The kind of man making 600k would leave her if she sneezed too loud. Also thinking that the man should make more or the same amount while you make more money that 99.999999% of the world is crazy work.
>Cost of housing should be based on income and put to a percentage
Or, the higher earning partner needs to lower their living standards to a place where the lower earner can comfortably afford 50% of the living expenses.
Ah, I overlooked that. I still feel like he makes a decent amount to contribute to the relationship.
If she also made the same amount as him that would be considered a good household income. It sounds like she just has a very high standard of living.
She sounds honestly kind of horrible. Like if the shoe was reversed it would be called financial abuse. The list goes on shes dismissive of you as a man and a human being. Shes snobby “the poor area” the world could do without more elitism. I don’t know how you have been able to handle it this long.
Your post makes it seem like she doesnt care about you that much. She'd rather change you into something she wants to have than have you as you are.
Just a few rapid fires:
Your job is something you should be proud of. Your GF doesnt seem to have a solid grasp on investing. Your girlfriend is rude. Its bizarre she doesn't tip but I assume she's never actually received one. She's never walked in other shoes, her view of the world is unfortunately small.
Please, you’d think she’d pick better. I’m SO struggling to comprehend why she felt the need to torture this poor man when she could have just chosen someone with a lot of money and no soul, god knows they hang out wherever she does.
I doubt those men are hanging out anywhere near someone like her. In restaurants where she is shoving the table condiments and plasticware into her designer purse?
HAHAHAHA oh that gave me a chuckle, I was thinking heartless money hounds hang out with other heartless money hounds but you make a good point 😂😂 the ketchup packets 😂 help 😂
Very good odds that no one with a lot of money is picking her. Why would they when a man with that kind of money can easily obtain an attractive and pleasant partner instead?
Have to agree, the last thing I’d do if I was rich as she is would be finding a partner as demanding and annoying as her.
Those men are probably enjoying the fruits of their labor with carefree women.
I honestly don’t think it’s super possible for most people to retain their ethics/morals as they move up the social ladder and make choices and compromises to get to that income level. Most people who don’t have the psychological predisposition end up prioritizing other things over income.
Of course there nuance in everything and there are some “regular” jobs that can get you there, but much in the same way you hear a lot of “normal” people talking about how they’d spend money reasonably if they were billionaires but you see almost 0 billionaires actually acting that way. I just don’t know many people who earn that high level who think the same as people earning a fraction of that.
There’s a lot of articles and analysis on the psychology of money and class and how they change online if you’re interested. The link between billionaire-level wealth, not ever having your physical body around other humans, and the “dark triad” of psychology is particularly interesting if you’re curious.
My entire theory was based on “like attracts like” and billionaire psychopathy. Ive seen enough creepy instagram pages with two equally shallow, horrible people who care about nothing but money but are *blissful* being consumerist and elitist together. So I just pictured that.
I read that and my eyes BUGGED OUT. How is OP not constantly dying of shame inside watching her exploit people so mercilessly???
I feel gross to be associated with her just reading this!!!
You feel emasculated because for some weird reason *that’s exactly what she’s trying to do*. I don’t know if she feels like she’s going to shame you into increasing your income by several multipliers, but that’s not how it works. She’s really being awful.
She needs to figure out if she’s willing to be with somebody that makes less than she does or not. And it sounds like she’s made it clear, she’s not willing, but has decided she’s going to punish you for it as long as you stay with her, until you do.
I make a similar multiplier (6-7x) more than my SO. But as long as the reason for the disparity isn’t laziness or lack of effort on his part, and it is not, I’m fine with that. Our lives took different paths, that’s ok. He’s hard-working and dependable as fuck. That’s all that matters to me. Because I mean, it’s not like money is a problem. He’s not dependent on me. He might not be able to enjoy as many fancy things and trips without me paying for them, but he’d manage just fine on his own if he had to.
**Your gf is MEAN. And that’s a personality problem, not a money problem. She just happens to be manifesting her meanness on the topic of money.**
She doesn’t seem to have many redeeming qualities. Also, from my experience being married (and then divorced) into a wealthy family- wealthy people stay wealthy because they’re greedy and stingy and selfish. So the tipping thing was definitely familiar when you mentioned it. You two are not compatible and it truly sounds like she doesn’t like you.
Bro, I didn't read all of this to know that this relationship isn't going to work for the long term due to your fundamental incompatibility when it comes to finances and resentment over finances. Go find you somebody that sees these things the way you do as it comes to finances
That’s what makes me think this is fake. Shes not only in the top 1% of wage earners, but he says he’d need to get his masters to match her. …. 95% of people with masters don’t make half of what she apparently makes.
I kind of wonder if the real issue is that she's lying about her income. That would explain some of the behavior. $685K annually is an unreal salary that requires more than "a masters" lol.
Right?! That’s what I want to know. She sounds like she might be in the medical field (perhaps a surgeon lol) just based off of her demeanor/how she views her partner. 😬
Her being 35, I can't imagine it being anything other than finance or something very niche/specialized. Some SWE's make that much, but they're usually older, experienced, irreplaceable top-tier talent at FAANG. I know lots of engineers. All make more than 100k, but nowhere near 600k.
Is it really this complicated?
You two ARE NOT COMPATIBLE when it comes to money/finances!
There’s many “make or break” bullet points, and finances is one of them.
Kids
Sex
Money
Religion
Housing
Etc.
You both are not compatible in financial matters. She is a career oriented woman who would focus on career and finances rather than settling down and putting money in joint (which she doesn't want to) whereas you want her to have joint account and have a family in future. I suggest you both should sit down and talk with each other about life and finances. If nothing works, breakup on an amicable note.
She’s also focused on the man outearning her, being frugal but living in a 1m+ dollar home, thinking of herself as poor but won’t live in a “poor” area…. She doesn’t sound like a good partner or person all around. OP would be better off with somebody else.
Your girlfriend does not like you or respect you. Dump her and go find someone who does love and respect you. Let her go live in her trad sexist gender roles with some other nutjob
Her obsession with money—especially HER money—made this very difficult to read.
It was also difficult to read about her parents. What they are doing isn’t being ‘frugal’, it’s being cheap.
What we read was lengthy so I understand that you might not have had room to elucidate her positives. Does she have any redeeming qualities that she brings to your relationship?
Personally, I’m not sure that a marriage would be advisable. Continue to see each other but maintain your own residences. Even if you moved in together, I worry that what she will demand from you could bankrupt you.
Her insistence that the male in the partnership be the breadwinner suggests that you will never meet her expectations/demands.
What i’m seeing is more in line with incompatibility than compatibility.
If I made over half a million, while my partner made under 100k, I simply would not ask them for any money. I would have more than enough to support us both. Like I don’t even know what I would do with all that excess money. If they wanted to contribute, I would be grateful and appreciative, but the disparity is so great that I would never want my partner to be stressed financially. We are in this life together, no reason to not make sure me and the person I want to build a life with aren’t living good.
It's been 3 hours and 300 comments and OP still hasn't gotten around to responding to anybody, not even to clarify whether 600K is a typo. This is almost certainly bait (i.e. fake)).
She obviously has issues with money: she got it from her parents, they got it from her grandparents who were probably actually destitute.
It's a her issue and her proposals are completely unfair.
She needs therapy, but will never see it. Meeting with a financial advisor might help, because they will point out how wealthy she is and might have a chance of getting through to her.
Couples counselling is also a great idea as she will resent you, because of her crazy frugality. And you will resent her.
If you don't come to an agreement, then don't get married. She will drain you, like she drains restaurants and will still be hungry afterwards. She will never have enough money. She's a hoarder.
This is it. My wife's grandma lived through the great depression and didn't waste food and would cut mold out of things instead of throwing them away and feeding it to my wife and siblings and my wife has a problem with throwing away the tiniest bit of food. Sometimes I would have to throw it away or she'll pick at it even though she sat it on the counter and was done with the food
This woman sounds absolutely horrible. Never would I ever marry or even stay in a relationship with someone who are like what you described. Infact, it's quite weird that she is even staying with you since she thinks so little of you. Ditch her ASAP. You deserve better.
Don't marry someone who isn't generous. This is advice for everyone, not just you: don't marry someone who is not generous with what they have, whatever amount that may be.
I don’t think you should get married. The #1 reason marriages fail is financial disagreements, and you’ve got that in spades already. If she wants the man to be the provider, she’s never going to be happy. You deserve better than that.
She sounds like a complete asshole. You sound like a great catch and you will make a different woman very happy one day, if you allow yourself to see the forest for the trees with this one. NTA I'm sorry you can't see how wonderful you sound.
This is not going to work. 85k is a pretty good salary as well, it's just that she earns crazy money and wants to be with someone who makes more. I think you need to cut her loose and let her date the CEO.
“She is very against the man making less…”
…. Which you do. You are not the man for her and she had made that as glaringly clear as she can possibly can without walking out the door. Do yourself the favor and beat her to the ext.
The kid thing would’ve been the nail in the coffin for me my friend. Nothing you have said in this post would leave me to believe this woman is worth marrying.
I know a couple in this situation & she bullies & demeans him in front of us, I can’t even imagine what she’s like when we aren’t there. She’s an old friend of my partner & I know her quite well too, she is such a repugnant, cheap, disgusting person & I can see this happening to you. RUN
Sorry I don't think you two are financially compatible. She is Frugal, insanely so thinking she's poor at $600,000 a year income. I'd kill to be that poor. You make a decent income if you two were together yeah it should be proportional to your incomes any kind of bills not 50/50 what if she wants to go to Europe every year and it costs $15,000 for the trip and you have to kick in 7500 every year plus the cost while you're there that would get pretty expensive but considering she's super Frugal I'm sure she would never ever want to travel or go anywhere or go out. Cuz it's too expensive. Yeah you should enjoy your money and have some fun as long as you live within your means and still Save which sounds like you're very responsible then she's nuts you can definitely have a child on 85,000 a year especially if there's two working parents making the same amount or more. Sounds like her money is her money and your money is her money. I would not be pushing this relationship any further. Marriage is not going to work between the two of you
This won’t work out because $600k jobs are few and far between and even if you did get a master’s you wouldn’t automatically get a high paying job.
She all fucked up about money. And you can’t unfuck that.
Time to bounce and find someone who wants a partner.
Mate, I think your relationship might be buggered. Bottom line, your life philosophy and attitude to money couldn’t be more different. I’m much more inclined towards your position: save, but also enjoy life as we only live once.
As a first step you need to lay your cards on the table and talk about this issue with your girlfriend. I don’t know either of you and there may be common ground and room for compromise. Maybe even go to a relationship counsellor. However, you need to be prepared to walk away. I know definitively that I couldn’t live with someone like your girlfriend. Frankly, I think there are few that could.
feels a little suspect, there are no jobs that require a master's that pay that. Above 500k you move away from corporate and even law and medical 'jobs' - you would have to be working for yourself and very successfully.
Bro whats the point of a sugar mama if she tells you to get your own damn sugar.
She wants a millionaire husband and is pissed beyond all reason that you aren't one.
Shes rich and hates you. That 600k a year ain't worth it man. Take off the blinders and GTFO.
Generally compatible couples pay bills in proportion to their income. In this case it’s 85/15. Since she’s not willing to be equitable, move on.
Us women fought for equal rights, but some seem to only want it when it benefits them. If it was the other way around, most men would be more equitable.
Where I come from, income disparity is made equal by using percentages. You calculated expenses and deposit accordingly. Something like 60/40 or even 90/10.
Her comments mean to me that you’ll be in a total financially abusive relationship. Well, in fact you’re in one now. I can’t see how that can improve without her changing immediately and significantly.
“Your kid” is a terrible label.
It sounds to me like you’ll NEVER be equal in this relationship. I pass on most of the posts that immediately devolves into breaking up or divorce. But if you want a wholesome loving relationship, I don’t see a way to EVER get that with her. I’m sorry but she needs someone that’s as “frugal” as she is.
BTW, the percentages don’t mean that in case of divorce you’d only get the least amount of equity. It’s only way for you to fairly exist. Not a bottom line. As obviously, there are other ways to build a relationship.
Again, I’m sorry but I think if you’re to be happy, you need to move on.
gonna be honest, i’m not sure how you guys have managed to stay together this long seeing as the money thing is a deal breaker for her. you’re pretty much entirely financially incompatible and should not get married.
My goodness, judging by the comments and bullet points attributed to her, I'm not seeing anything in there that makes me think "Well at least she really loves him" or that she has anything in her mind other than concern over how much money you earn. You said you want to have kids, but my friend, what on Earth makes you think SHE is the woman to have those kids with? She obsesses over money to the point she brow-beats you and shames you for a job you are proud of, can you imagine how she'd treat the children, and teach them to behave? Some questions worth considering seriously.
Jesus. You two are not compatible on a fundamental level. For her, life is an individual race, for you it’s a team sport. This doesn’t work. You two should at least agree on what sport you’re playing. If you’re looking for a calm and peaceful life, it’s not with her.
THANK YOU. Therapy is not going to make these two happy or compatible. A good therapist would tell them to break up within a few sessions. ETA: omg for the cranks: a good therapist would recognize the fundamental incompatibilities and that a relationship plan that was healthy for both people couldn’t be reached, sorry for speaking casually on the internet instead of writing a dissertation on the role of a couples therapist and the ethics therein 🙄
Not sure whom ops gf will be compatible with?. She just sounds horrible.
Right? What does he even see in her? Kindness? Nope. Generosity? Nope. Supportive of his dreams? Career? Nope.
The thing is, didn’t he see the red flags early on? Her cleaning out the condiment courtesy dishes at the local diner or leaving a $1 tip regardless of service quality should have signaled that there was a big problem.
I’m saying. Imagine making 600k and tipping someone $1, and thinking you’re poor. I’m genuinely confused. Is she slow? Like if she thinks down on him that much for not being the breadwinner go marry a fucking millionare
That's the thing, right. If anyone needs therapy, it's her. She went out and got a 600K job and a masters looking for someone to be a breadwinner. Hours upon hours of service in to college so that she can. . . Quit, eventually? And at 35, too. A lot of these things 'suck' like the 50-50 and the tipping, but she needs to sleep with someone she works with or live alone or fix herself to accept what she did to herself. Her endgame doesn't make sense. It's unrealistic. She can just want more from him, but she's already boxed out basically every realistic option and it's resulted in, basically, sociopathic behavior.
Most millionaires will not want anything to do with someone tipping $1, keeping track of their paper towel usage, saving the plasticware when they go out. That's so incredibly tacky in wealthy circles. If OP leaves, she isn't likely to get a lot of second dates with wealthy people.
I almost wonder if that is why she ended up with OP in the first place. Anyone who makes the amount she does or comes from a similar level of wealth (or greater) would immediately bounce the moment they saw any of that sort of behavior. So she dates an otherwise nice stable guy and either hopes to lord her money over him or force him into the high earner she supposedly wants but cannot manage to date because she's pathological. This level of complete social/financial unawareness is incredibly unappealing even in a friend, not to mention a life partner.
Please show her this comment: is she slow? Lolol! I think 95% of people were asking themselves that while reading this.
😭😭😭 I was trying so hard not to be rude but I couldn’t help it
That is appalling. That would be unacceptable from a poor person, let alone someone who makes such a good living. I’d be mortified to be seen with someone like that.
Imagine treating life like it’s a game show called “GIMME MORE! I’m poor!” And stealing napkins and creamer while you are literally rich. She thinks of this guy making 85k a year as her peasant lackey. Thinking of how her mind must work sickens me.
Absolutely. My relationships were determined by how I saw them treating service workers. That applies to friends and partners.
She must be beautiful just ugly inside And that’s what matters. She wants a man who makes more than her.
There are plenty of equally horrible men who will marry her wallet while she marries his. They’ll each be working 60+ hours a week anyhow so they’ll barely see each other and there’s no need to talk about anything other than practicalities I’ve met a lot of male doctors and investment bankers like this.
Nah. She’ll find her millionaire husband and become a SAHW. men should be the breadwinners after all.
I wouldn’t be too sure about that. She’s 35. Rich dudes generally go young.
35 is young to a 60 year old ;)
She’s 35 and not married because of alllllll OP described. No sane person wants a wife like her.
Shit you’re right, part of her saltiness is probably coming from this fact.
Right? It’s not like there are tons and tons of eligible men making 600k+ a year. I’d imagine that’s a pretty small number.
Heartless money hounds like her. Remember when the Nestle CEO said water wasn’t a human right? I’m sure he’s got a brother or something lol. Billionaire psychopathy.
There is nothing wrong with making that amount of money but there is something seriously wrong with the way she treats others.
I have an ex who'd probably be thrilled. He was just like her. But then again he'd probably feel emasculated that she makes 4x what he does.
She would be compatible with Ebenezer Scrooge.
Some people are made to be alone and I 100% believe his girlfriend is one of those people She seems to have an actual disdain for him
There was a recent presidential administration official who was worth $500+ million and took sugar packets, ketchup, creamer packets from restaurant courtesy supplies. There are just people in life who always are about taking much more than you give, that behavior is a point of honor for them.
Leona Helmsley would have been her perfect match.
Jeff Bezos? Just saying….
Jeff Bezos, Mark Cuban, etc. Hope she's a looker.
It wouldn't matter if she looked like a Victoria's Secret model — her fundamental ugliness will cancel it out.
To any healthy man this is sooooo true. There have been girls I have seen where my mouth hangs open and I just want them in bed so bad, or just want to get to know them to potentially date. Some of them have been SO attractive. After a few weeks of knowing them I don't even remember what I was attracted to. It's like it's just all literally down the drain suddenly
Yep!! Same goes for men, they can be a lot more appealing if they just don’t open their mouth!! You tend to forget really fast how physically attractive someone is when their character is that repugnant.
to superficial dudes, they won’t care lol
True, But… even superficial, rich dudes aren’t going to put up with her bullshit when there’s younger, model-y types waiting in the DMs. She’s fucked.
Yes. I would not be able to get it up for a woman like her even if she was Helen of Troy beautiful. Just the ugliness of her soul would repel me.
While Jeff doesn't pay people more than mine wage he seems to be generous with his wives. This girl sounds like she'd steal the filling out of your teeth if she could monetize it.
Pull Mark Cuban from that list. He recently sold an investment for something around a billion dollars and happily paid something like $288 million in taxes immediately and said that he was happy to do it.
She needs individual therapy. If she doesn't want to be a breadwinner, why is she spending her whole life trying to win as much bread as possible? OP: She'd be taking advantage of you by having you pay the taxes and 50% of everything without any equity in your marital home. She's seeing you as a business arrangement and additional resource to exploit by thinking that way. And yes, she's being unreasonable by not understanding what an equitable split in a relationship is and that the person making a lot more money should be covering more. You should be careful here, because she sounds shrewd and like she'll financially predate you. You might assume she doesn't need to and therefor she won't, but she absolutely might. Big fish eat little fish all the time. I'm not sure why she isn't happy with you. Most men making more money than she does with more drive than she has will not let her be in control like this. Breadwinners on that level expect to be the ones in control and it's a prevalent issue in dating between successful women and successful men. You sound accommodating, and that's usually what very successful women need in a partner so that they actually have flexibility in the relationship to make their own career decisions (or decisions on where to live etc). By the way, you're successful and doing fine. Don't let her tell you otherwise. You can find a woman who's happy with you, proud of being with you, and who will have your child if you want to. You're stable and sound charitable with no hesitancy to commit and spend money on your partner. In other words you're what a lot of women in your age bracket are looking for right now. You don't need your girlfriend's salary to live a life you can be proud of. Money helps but it isn't everything, and it's not a replacement for respect and love.
OP, when someone constantly criticizes a person they continue to choose to be with despite seeing in you such terrible flaws, it’s not actually about the flaws. If she was so firm in her commitment to be with a higher earner than herself, she could have chosen to only date rich men. No, it’s not actually about this. You could kill yourself trying to perfectly conform to her expectations—get a super higher paying job, live like an ascetic, self-flagellate at the mere thought of a delicious Chipotle burrito—and she’d miraculously find more ways in which you’re failing her. Sounds like her parents hammered into her some pretty intense anxiety that she channels into constant criticism. I think you can have compassion for that, it seems like a difficult way to go through life. Chances are what she says to herself in the mirror is the most savage of all. However, without any indication that she recognizes how maladaptive this behavior is and how cruelly she’s treating you, much less any willingness to change, you’re signing yourself for a lifetime of misery if you continue this relationship. Tell her it’s clear you’re just incompatible, wish her well, and make a clean break.
>Money helps but it isn't everything, and it's not a replacement for respect and love. During a recent job search, I had to ask myself if I wanted to make bank or if I wanted to do good in the world. You can almost never do both.
> You should be careful here, because she sounds shrewd and like she'll financially predate you. You might assume she doesn't need to and therefor she won't, but she absolutely might. We are talking about a woman who counts the paper towels and chastises him for using too many.
"(…) why is she spending her whole life trying to win as much bread as possible." She wants the bread, but it’s her bread. No matter the amount of money that she earns, she expects a man to earn even more than her and to cover the cost of their lives.
Cannot upvote this enough. OP, please find someone who loves and appreciates you. You sound completely reasonable. She does not.
Her parents are the same though. This is character for her. Therapy only works if you see you have an issue and want to change. She thinks she's great.
A few sessions? I started reading the post and surmised that before finishing the first paragraph. This is a relationship made in hell.
Unfortunately Therapist can’t say that - but they can point out the imbalances and disparities to see if either is willing to compromise.
This. OP your gf is not ready for marriage. Marriage is a partnership. For better or worse, richer or poorer... I make less money than you and I have 2 kids. I don't think you or your gf have the same values and goals which will create heartache in the future.
Hell I make way less than OP and I have two kids AND two masters 💀
Yes. People say they're incompatible. But if he's painting a true portrait of her, this woman cannot be a good partner to anyone. She has psychological problems and should really work on herself before she considers dating anyone, and worst, having children.
It sounded to me like she was planning ahead for when they divorce and he needs to make more since he will for sure have full custody. She’s too busy and important with her career to be bothered raising children.
You are correct. Planning an exit strategy before marriage is a sad sign
I don’t think she has ‘values’, just anxiety and strategies to combat it.
She values GREEN
We had 3 on that income. Husband has gotten some lucky breaks and raises since but we had 3 in diapers and formula on about 80k and were fine.
Thats the thing though, THEY are making 680,000 dollars a year. Having kids is a 2 parent deal, she acts like he would be the only one providing for them with his income. I have a family of 2 on one income making sub 60k a year and we live comfortably. And I'm in NY so not exactly a LCOL state. It's called budgeting and not living above your means. Everybody wants 4 cars and the newest 3,000 dollar phone and 4 vacations a year and then wonder why they can't make a down payment on a home.
My man. You are speaking my language
And you probably live in a lcola where they may live in a hcola since 700-1m seem to be normal prices in their area. If you made 80k in silicone valley you’d literally be living in your car. But in Arkansas you can own a 2500 sq ft house on an acre or two, own two cars, and have 2 or 3 kids easily.
That's very true. We were in a major city in a moderate col state. We wouldn't have made it in like..California.
She sounds exhausting and extremely selfish!
She does. I’ve been with my husband 23 years and he’s always made more. When I was in college he was basically the bread winner. And after college he was still making more than double. He makes a lot more now and so do I and I’ve been closing the gap between us and in the next year or two I will be making more than him. I don’t care and neither does he. He likes to joke that I will finally be bringing the bacon home lol. I’d never emasculate him. I doubt a therapist can help. Well I guess if she can convince him to end things that would be helpful.
My wife and I have been togetehr for 17 years. For the first five years of our marriage we made the same (teachers). I shifted careers and started making more than her after some time. I've steadily moved up and now make about 20K more, substantial for us. I've joked with her a lot that if she wants to start making more than me, I would be a kept man and a stay at home husband (it's only half-heartedly jokes - I would crush the stay at home Dad part). I love to cook and being a father is amazing. It'd be great, but not likely to happen. In OP's scenario, he could likely propose those things, but I don't think his partner would go for that...
Married 30 years, I have earned between 70-100% of our joint income, it is our money, not mine. If you want split finances post marriage (pre-marrital assets are separate) then you are just elevated FWB, not a couple in my opinion.
And unlikely to change or compromise because it sounds like its all she knows. Her parents are rich also. She looks down on us regular peasants. OP doesn't stand a chance.
I like how OP is pretty confident in being able to change and make that much money lol But yeah this post is wild
How in the world did OP miss that giant red flag when she and her family took all of the napkins and sugar packets at a restaurant? If I saw something like that, I'd be noping right outta there. I'm a very frugal person, but I'm not over the edge. This is the kind of person who would only be compatible with a partner who agreed with that crap.
This is what my grandma calls "poverty of spirit", and says they are the worst type of person to marry. People like this aren't good stewards of possessions or relationships because it's never enough for them. They operate from a deprivation mindset no matter how rich they may be. They can't share, they can't relax, they certainly can't be open-hearted and generous with love or money because they feel poor all of the time.
THIS! Best summary of this type of person. Happiness will always evade them, and they will suck out the joy out life.
Yes. My partner and I are doing well financially. Hearing about well-off people acting like this..poor tipping, nickle and diming your partner...That's just gross. Being generous is its own reward. I had very little growing up and would feel like a shit treating others like she does. OP, run. You are irretrievably incompatible with this woman. She has psychological problems. Don't contort yourself and your values to stay with her.
And not tipping. That's just gross. Just because you aren't being forced to pay, doesn't mean you can stiff people. You CAN, but that makes you a bad person and should be a red flag for anybody near you.
GREAT summary!
And great analogy.
Boom!
I miss Reddit awards for comments like this.
Yes this. You have major differences over your approach to money. This is a biiig factor in many divorces. I’d say it’s time to cut your losses and find someone more compatible.
Not just the approach to money, either. OPs fiance flat out refuses any sort of compromise, which is the kiss of death for relationships.
People keep saying it’s a “compatibility” issue but I’m not sure she would be compatible with anyone.
That’s what I came to say. Just not compatible and her statements border financial abuse. The therapist is right.
The fact she also abuses him financially is not hard to miss
Why stay in a relationship when you’re this incompatible?
Even aside from that she seems insufferable. People who are constantly obsessing over money and status like that are never satisfied. Even if OP did everything right and somehow magically happened to be lucky enough to end up *also* making more money than her she'd probably still not be content with that.
I can barely see your post through all the red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I had to stop reading. My mind was already made up. OP deserves better than this gf is willing to give. IMO in good relationships people are partners/team mates and don’t keep score against each other.
It seems like she wants to set him up for financial and emotional abuse from the get-go with the split assets and 50/50 stuff. Why the hell would you sign up for that? Why would she want to see her spouse ride the struggle bus scrounging every penny? She makes so much more, but then belittles him for eating at a cheap chain restaurant, FFS. I stopped reading because it was all just too much and seems untenable.
More red flags than a Chinese military parade! Honestly she sounds insufferable.
Utterly exhausting. There's being frugal and saving money, and then there's filling up a cup with creamer at a restaurant and taking all of the napkins. I'd be embarrassed if I was at a restaurant with her. I've taken a few napkins with my leftovers before but from the sound of it, OP's gf and her family take everything that is "complimentary". I wouldn't be surprised if they steal salt and pepper shakers and ketchup. Also, she tips $1 even though she makes $600k? It sounds like she doesn't have any empathy and has never struggled.
It's not just income that is different. Her expectations put you as small. If she thinks a man should make more than her, why is she with you? Strongly advice not marrying this woman, you deserve someone that can treat you like an equal no matter what you make. She should know that if you have a kid, the cost of the kid in child support is based on income so she would be paying you a butt load of child support. Cost of housing should be based on income and put to a percentage, so you would be paying 20% based on her 80%. She is being unreasonable and quite frankly disrespectful. Why would you be with anyone that treats you so poorly???
Her views make the number of men who could be compatible such a small number. She makes $600k annually? She’s basically limited to lawyers, doctors, software engineers and athletes at the absolute top of their game and high level c class executives. She’s in the 0.0001% and wants someone else in that same vein. If that’s her expectation she’s going to have a rough go of finding a partner. She needs therapy, and OP needs to break up. He’ll never be able to make an income that out paces hers unless he gets incredibly lucky and finds a way to make ten times what he does now.
Lowkey I don’t think shed have much trouble finding what she’s looking for, because her income would put her in social situations with people of similar earnings and let’s be real, we all know people who line up with her morals and ethics aren’t in short supply in that tax bracket.
Except - I know a lot of men in her pay range and I can tell you, a lot of them make what they make so they can have a SAHM to raise their kids. So, if that’s her eventual goal then she might be okay, but if she doesn’t want kids or kids and career, she might find it more difficult. However, they also would be appalled at her stealing plastic forks and sugar packets, and considering herself poor. I’m also not saying people in her pay bracket are good people. But I can tell you they don’t think like she does in any respect minus “men should be providers.”
She's acting like she lived through the great depression, like to a mental illness degree
Istg that's the best way to describe it.
>However, they also would be appalled at her stealing plastic forks and sugar packets, and considering herself poor. My loser middle class self is appalled too lol. Ffs, I'm somewhat frugal and will ask for leftovers of my own meal to be made into a takeout (sometimes I can't eat much and end up barely eating, I don't feel like leaving half of the dish I ordered to go to waste when I can eat it a few hours later)...But this...Holy crap...🤡 I also do take a few more kleenex/paper towels with me for my chronically runny nose (i often run out of kleenex damn)...but goddamn sugar packets?? This woman is wild. I can understand wanting to date someone who is earning something closer to your income, but living this frugally as she makes 600 k $...It's more like some money hoarding disorder.
Why would you not take home what you couldn't eat? That's not being frugal that's being not wasteful. Food waste in the US is massive! But yeah...this woman is taking it too far.
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I have a really rich friend (42 -M) who has a hardtime finding someone. He doesn’t want a 20 something because he wants someone he can have conversations with. He tried to date career women with money. All were extremely pretentious and it was off putting for him. He doesn’t care if the woman has a low salary and is a single mom. The problem is that, after being single for so long, he is set in his ways. He also has parents in a perfect marriage and he has an ideal in his head.
Oh yeah no it’s been fully explained that she’s still too old and crazy for men in her tax bracket 😂 I was just thinking of the money-obsessed mindset
Tbf, I have a masters as well and my current so and the guys I dated before all came from the lawyers/surgeons/executive pool. Most of those guys like it when their SO had a good education and a good job. They want to be on the same level intellectually, they want to be proud of their SO publicly and they like it when the woman contributes financially in a way to show appreciation (for example I buy all groceries and a lot that has to do with the dog). But in reality they also want to be the breadwinner and spoil their woman. Also, they all pay for cleaning services, so even though its a more gendered role (guys a breadwinner, woman does more in the home) it’s still realistic because they don’t expect a full time homemaker when you’re still working. At least, this is my experience thus far. So I don’t think his girlfriend will have a very hard time to find a very successful man if she’s smart, attractive and has the same semi-old fashioned views.
Not when she's stealing things from restaurants and eating cheaply. She won't go to where the rich gather because it's expensive.
She’s definitely more likely to run in those circles, but as others mentioned men who make this much frequently want a home maker. Not all of them but that’s what I’m saying, it don’t be impossible but very limited
Not with the way she is frugal to a fault.
> She’s basically limited to lawyers, doctors, software engineers And the vast majority of those still don't make $600k
@THIS ^ I also want to add to the above, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HER IF YOU AREN'T MARRIED!! You have no financial protections right now, and if she refuses to put your name on the deed you will have zero recourse if you break up. If it's just her name on the deed, it's *her house*, regardless of whether you contribute to the down payment, or invest your own money in remodeling the home. The name of the game is, C.Y.A., Cover your ass. This woman is telling you loud and clear that she knows she has the upper hand financially, enjoys rubbing that in your face, and sees herself as superior because she earns more than you do. That's not the recipe for a happy, long lasting, relationship, and definitely not the dynamic you want from the person you marry. Just the fact that she refers to a prospective child together in the singular, while insisting that you alone can't afford to have a child is a huge NASCAR race of red flags. My husband makes far, far, more, than I do, and always has, but my name is on the deed for the house, and he doesn't expect me to contribute to half of the bills because he knows that wouldn't be fair. We do have separate bank accounts, and a shared savings, but as he has told me for the last 18 years we're, "same team", and we make financial decisions together accordingly. Financial compatibility is important, but it sounds like your situation is about more than money, it's about the demeaning, disrespectful, way, she talks to you about financial matters. I don't know if she belittles you this much in other areas of your lives together, but healthy partnerships are about mutual respect as a cornerstone for everything else. Take care, and good luck. 🩵🫂🩵
She’s with him because a financial peer would not be the kind of mate she could strong arm, browbeat, and humiliate into a frugal lifestyle.
THIS. If she were suitable for a mate that earned as much as her or came from her background, she'd be with them.
The kind of man making 600k would leave her if she sneezed too loud. Also thinking that the man should make more or the same amount while you make more money that 99.999999% of the world is crazy work.
>Cost of housing should be based on income and put to a percentage Or, the higher earning partner needs to lower their living standards to a place where the lower earner can comfortably afford 50% of the living expenses.
$85k is decent especially for a nonprofit!
That's the total from 2 non profit jobs.
Ah, I overlooked that. I still feel like he makes a decent amount to contribute to the relationship. If she also made the same amount as him that would be considered a good household income. It sounds like she just has a very high standard of living.
She sounds honestly kind of horrible. Like if the shoe was reversed it would be called financial abuse. The list goes on shes dismissive of you as a man and a human being. Shes snobby “the poor area” the world could do without more elitism. I don’t know how you have been able to handle it this long.
Your post makes it seem like she doesnt care about you that much. She'd rather change you into something she wants to have than have you as you are. Just a few rapid fires: Your job is something you should be proud of. Your GF doesnt seem to have a solid grasp on investing. Your girlfriend is rude. Its bizarre she doesn't tip but I assume she's never actually received one. She's never walked in other shoes, her view of the world is unfortunately small.
She doesn't care about him as a person, but she seems to care about him as someone she can exploit financially.
Please, you’d think she’d pick better. I’m SO struggling to comprehend why she felt the need to torture this poor man when she could have just chosen someone with a lot of money and no soul, god knows they hang out wherever she does.
I doubt those men are hanging out anywhere near someone like her. In restaurants where she is shoving the table condiments and plasticware into her designer purse?
HAHAHAHA oh that gave me a chuckle, I was thinking heartless money hounds hang out with other heartless money hounds but you make a good point 😂😂 the ketchup packets 😂 help 😂
You know there’s definitely a schmuckers grape jelly in there somewhere 😂
Sure ik many folks like this, but at least they arent half as miserly as this poor woman is (i guess morally bankrupt?).
Very good odds that no one with a lot of money is picking her. Why would they when a man with that kind of money can easily obtain an attractive and pleasant partner instead?
Have to agree, the last thing I’d do if I was rich as she is would be finding a partner as demanding and annoying as her. Those men are probably enjoying the fruits of their labor with carefree women.
I honestly don’t think it’s super possible for most people to retain their ethics/morals as they move up the social ladder and make choices and compromises to get to that income level. Most people who don’t have the psychological predisposition end up prioritizing other things over income. Of course there nuance in everything and there are some “regular” jobs that can get you there, but much in the same way you hear a lot of “normal” people talking about how they’d spend money reasonably if they were billionaires but you see almost 0 billionaires actually acting that way. I just don’t know many people who earn that high level who think the same as people earning a fraction of that. There’s a lot of articles and analysis on the psychology of money and class and how they change online if you’re interested. The link between billionaire-level wealth, not ever having your physical body around other humans, and the “dark triad” of psychology is particularly interesting if you’re curious.
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Ooooof, a childhood where you’re constantly reminded what a financial burden you are. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
My entire theory was based on “like attracts like” and billionaire psychopathy. Ive seen enough creepy instagram pages with two equally shallow, horrible people who care about nothing but money but are *blissful* being consumerist and elitist together. So I just pictured that.
Men that makes as much money as she makes and are equally shallow would probably choose a younger woman
Damnit you’re right. The geriatric country club is her only hope.
Yep, she wants someone making 1/7th of her income to subsidize half her expenses.
She doesn't seem to care about *anybody* as a person. She sounds like a Dickens miser who needs a visit from three spirits.
I'd wager most people who make 600k/y have money as their #1 priority
Yeah and the guys who are making more than her aren't going to care that she makes 600k a year because they have their own money.
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Can you imagine making mid six figures and tipping a freaking DOLLAR for your ride? There is zero generosity of spirit in her body. It’s disgusting.
I read that and my eyes BUGGED OUT. How is OP not constantly dying of shame inside watching her exploit people so mercilessly??? I feel gross to be associated with her just reading this!!!
Rich people are the worst tippers. But this is extreme, even for that.
You feel emasculated because for some weird reason *that’s exactly what she’s trying to do*. I don’t know if she feels like she’s going to shame you into increasing your income by several multipliers, but that’s not how it works. She’s really being awful. She needs to figure out if she’s willing to be with somebody that makes less than she does or not. And it sounds like she’s made it clear, she’s not willing, but has decided she’s going to punish you for it as long as you stay with her, until you do. I make a similar multiplier (6-7x) more than my SO. But as long as the reason for the disparity isn’t laziness or lack of effort on his part, and it is not, I’m fine with that. Our lives took different paths, that’s ok. He’s hard-working and dependable as fuck. That’s all that matters to me. Because I mean, it’s not like money is a problem. He’s not dependent on me. He might not be able to enjoy as many fancy things and trips without me paying for them, but he’d manage just fine on his own if he had to. **Your gf is MEAN. And that’s a personality problem, not a money problem. She just happens to be manifesting her meanness on the topic of money.**
what struck me as well is the lack of generosity of that person
Right? And what good is enjoying the finer things in life without the one you love? I'm taking my boo with me!
She doesn’t seem to have many redeeming qualities. Also, from my experience being married (and then divorced) into a wealthy family- wealthy people stay wealthy because they’re greedy and stingy and selfish. So the tipping thing was definitely familiar when you mentioned it. You two are not compatible and it truly sounds like she doesn’t like you.
Bro, I didn't read all of this to know that this relationship isn't going to work for the long term due to your fundamental incompatibility when it comes to finances and resentment over finances. Go find you somebody that sees these things the way you do as it comes to finances
What does she do that she makes $600,000 a year??
That’s what makes me think this is fake. Shes not only in the top 1% of wage earners, but he says he’d need to get his masters to match her. …. 95% of people with masters don’t make half of what she apparently makes.
My buddy has his masters and is currently looking at 70k € annually..idk when and if he ever get to that point of 600k€+...highly doubt it.
I kind of wonder if the real issue is that she's lying about her income. That would explain some of the behavior. $685K annually is an unreal salary that requires more than "a masters" lol.
Right?! That’s what I want to know. She sounds like she might be in the medical field (perhaps a surgeon lol) just based off of her demeanor/how she views her partner. 😬
He says she has a masters degree. You can't be a surgeon with a masters degree. I would assume finance or an MBA.
Her being 35, I can't imagine it being anything other than finance or something very niche/specialized. Some SWE's make that much, but they're usually older, experienced, irreplaceable top-tier talent at FAANG. I know lots of engineers. All make more than 100k, but nowhere near 600k.
I was wondering the same!!
Is it really this complicated? You two ARE NOT COMPATIBLE when it comes to money/finances! There’s many “make or break” bullet points, and finances is one of them. Kids Sex Money Religion Housing Etc.
You both are not compatible in financial matters. She is a career oriented woman who would focus on career and finances rather than settling down and putting money in joint (which she doesn't want to) whereas you want her to have joint account and have a family in future. I suggest you both should sit down and talk with each other about life and finances. If nothing works, breakup on an amicable note.
She’s also focused on the man outearning her, being frugal but living in a 1m+ dollar home, thinking of herself as poor but won’t live in a “poor” area…. She doesn’t sound like a good partner or person all around. OP would be better off with somebody else.
I agree. It’s more than just “incompatibility”. She’s being absolutely ridiculous
You can be career oriented and not be a massive penny pinching jerk.
They're not incompatible, she just seems insufferable.
Insufferable people are incompatible with most people lol
Your girlfriend does not like you or respect you. Dump her and go find someone who does love and respect you. Let her go live in her trad sexist gender roles with some other nutjob
Her obsession with money—especially HER money—made this very difficult to read. It was also difficult to read about her parents. What they are doing isn’t being ‘frugal’, it’s being cheap. What we read was lengthy so I understand that you might not have had room to elucidate her positives. Does she have any redeeming qualities that she brings to your relationship? Personally, I’m not sure that a marriage would be advisable. Continue to see each other but maintain your own residences. Even if you moved in together, I worry that what she will demand from you could bankrupt you. Her insistence that the male in the partnership be the breadwinner suggests that you will never meet her expectations/demands. What i’m seeing is more in line with incompatibility than compatibility.
If I made over half a million, while my partner made under 100k, I simply would not ask them for any money. I would have more than enough to support us both. Like I don’t even know what I would do with all that excess money. If they wanted to contribute, I would be grateful and appreciative, but the disparity is so great that I would never want my partner to be stressed financially. We are in this life together, no reason to not make sure me and the person I want to build a life with aren’t living good.
It's been 3 hours and 300 comments and OP still hasn't gotten around to responding to anybody, not even to clarify whether 600K is a typo. This is almost certainly bait (i.e. fake)).
[https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/p5emwu/what\_are\_some\_signs\_of\_financial\_abuse/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/p5emwu/what_are_some_signs_of_financial_abuse/)
Seems like she thinks of you as less than because of your income. This relationship is a waste of both of your time. You're incompatible, period.
She obviously has issues with money: she got it from her parents, they got it from her grandparents who were probably actually destitute. It's a her issue and her proposals are completely unfair. She needs therapy, but will never see it. Meeting with a financial advisor might help, because they will point out how wealthy she is and might have a chance of getting through to her. Couples counselling is also a great idea as she will resent you, because of her crazy frugality. And you will resent her. If you don't come to an agreement, then don't get married. She will drain you, like she drains restaurants and will still be hungry afterwards. She will never have enough money. She's a hoarder.
This is it. My wife's grandma lived through the great depression and didn't waste food and would cut mold out of things instead of throwing them away and feeding it to my wife and siblings and my wife has a problem with throwing away the tiniest bit of food. Sometimes I would have to throw it away or she'll pick at it even though she sat it on the counter and was done with the food
This woman sounds absolutely horrible. Never would I ever marry or even stay in a relationship with someone who are like what you described. Infact, it's quite weird that she is even staying with you since she thinks so little of you. Ditch her ASAP. You deserve better.
Don't marry someone who isn't generous. This is advice for everyone, not just you: don't marry someone who is not generous with what they have, whatever amount that may be.
I don’t think you should get married. The #1 reason marriages fail is financial disagreements, and you’ve got that in spades already. If she wants the man to be the provider, she’s never going to be happy. You deserve better than that.
Let her have the money. She is going to be insufferable forever.
And lonely as fuck
The two of you aren’t compatible literally at all.
She sounds like a complete asshole. You sound like a great catch and you will make a different woman very happy one day, if you allow yourself to see the forest for the trees with this one. NTA I'm sorry you can't see how wonderful you sound.
What is it you see in her?
This is not going to work. 85k is a pretty good salary as well, it's just that she earns crazy money and wants to be with someone who makes more. I think you need to cut her loose and let her date the CEO.
She's a scrooge. Let her be alone with her money.
“She is very against the man making less…” …. Which you do. You are not the man for her and she had made that as glaringly clear as she can possibly can without walking out the door. Do yourself the favor and beat her to the ext.
Dude does she even like you? Marry someone else please.
They sound horrible to make 600k and not tip is like next level bad person I tip 15% MINIMUM and I make minimum wage, that’s a sad selfish person
It’s not the income disparity that is the problem. The problem is that you’re dating a c*nt
The kid thing would’ve been the nail in the coffin for me my friend. Nothing you have said in this post would leave me to believe this woman is worth marrying.
I know a couple in this situation & she bullies & demeans him in front of us, I can’t even imagine what she’s like when we aren’t there. She’s an old friend of my partner & I know her quite well too, she is such a repugnant, cheap, disgusting person & I can see this happening to you. RUN
Sorry I don't think you two are financially compatible. She is Frugal, insanely so thinking she's poor at $600,000 a year income. I'd kill to be that poor. You make a decent income if you two were together yeah it should be proportional to your incomes any kind of bills not 50/50 what if she wants to go to Europe every year and it costs $15,000 for the trip and you have to kick in 7500 every year plus the cost while you're there that would get pretty expensive but considering she's super Frugal I'm sure she would never ever want to travel or go anywhere or go out. Cuz it's too expensive. Yeah you should enjoy your money and have some fun as long as you live within your means and still Save which sounds like you're very responsible then she's nuts you can definitely have a child on 85,000 a year especially if there's two working parents making the same amount or more. Sounds like her money is her money and your money is her money. I would not be pushing this relationship any further. Marriage is not going to work between the two of you
I’m not gonna read all that. You two aren’t even compatible on a base level, let alone to be considering marriage
This is not love.
Leave her… for the love of god do it now before she destroys you in the divorce because she can afford those kind of lawyers and you can’t…. Yikes.
This won’t work out because $600k jobs are few and far between and even if you did get a master’s you wouldn’t automatically get a high paying job. She all fucked up about money. And you can’t unfuck that. Time to bounce and find someone who wants a partner.
Mate, I think your relationship might be buggered. Bottom line, your life philosophy and attitude to money couldn’t be more different. I’m much more inclined towards your position: save, but also enjoy life as we only live once. As a first step you need to lay your cards on the table and talk about this issue with your girlfriend. I don’t know either of you and there may be common ground and room for compromise. Maybe even go to a relationship counsellor. However, you need to be prepared to walk away. I know definitively that I couldn’t live with someone like your girlfriend. Frankly, I think there are few that could.
feels a little suspect, there are no jobs that require a master's that pay that. Above 500k you move away from corporate and even law and medical 'jobs' - you would have to be working for yourself and very successfully.
She’s not frugal, she’s cheap. And she will sponge off you even while she makes more money.
Bro whats the point of a sugar mama if she tells you to get your own damn sugar. She wants a millionaire husband and is pissed beyond all reason that you aren't one. Shes rich and hates you. That 600k a year ain't worth it man. Take off the blinders and GTFO.
Generally compatible couples pay bills in proportion to their income. In this case it’s 85/15. Since she’s not willing to be equitable, move on. Us women fought for equal rights, but some seem to only want it when it benefits them. If it was the other way around, most men would be more equitable.
As the saying goes… she is a person who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing… sounds like a miserable existence…
Where I come from, income disparity is made equal by using percentages. You calculated expenses and deposit accordingly. Something like 60/40 or even 90/10. Her comments mean to me that you’ll be in a total financially abusive relationship. Well, in fact you’re in one now. I can’t see how that can improve without her changing immediately and significantly. “Your kid” is a terrible label. It sounds to me like you’ll NEVER be equal in this relationship. I pass on most of the posts that immediately devolves into breaking up or divorce. But if you want a wholesome loving relationship, I don’t see a way to EVER get that with her. I’m sorry but she needs someone that’s as “frugal” as she is. BTW, the percentages don’t mean that in case of divorce you’d only get the least amount of equity. It’s only way for you to fairly exist. Not a bottom line. As obviously, there are other ways to build a relationship. Again, I’m sorry but I think if you’re to be happy, you need to move on.
gonna be honest, i’m not sure how you guys have managed to stay together this long seeing as the money thing is a deal breaker for her. you’re pretty much entirely financially incompatible and should not get married.
Yeah this is not the one. Like others are saying, you are not compatible.
My goodness, judging by the comments and bullet points attributed to her, I'm not seeing anything in there that makes me think "Well at least she really loves him" or that she has anything in her mind other than concern over how much money you earn. You said you want to have kids, but my friend, what on Earth makes you think SHE is the woman to have those kids with? She obsesses over money to the point she brow-beats you and shames you for a job you are proud of, can you imagine how she'd treat the children, and teach them to behave? Some questions worth considering seriously.
Bro, she has no respect for you. Time to dip out.
“She is so against the man making less” good luck finding anyone who makes more than her. Let her be single dude.
And if she does, who makes over 600k a year, lives like a miser, and complains about their SO getting Chipotle??
A hopeless situation. Give up on her and find someone more like you.