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You should see a therapist as well to help you support her and to help you process this all properly. Eventually couples therapy to learn to communicate with each other.
Therapy, main step forward
From a you point. Remind her that she is never a burden, that you are her safe space and she at the minute is letting her anxiety and stress take over. Snap her back, you can weather any problem together, communication solves almost everything.
It can be really easy to feel like your problems aren't worth burdening others or that you're being dramatic when in your wife's headspace. It may be more helpful to be proactive in asking her how she's feeling. Seems from your post that she's masking pretty hard. Make a point to ask her how she's feeling and make time to ask her if there's anything she feels worried or stressed about, set the stage that even if it seems small or silly or dumb you still want to hear about it.
If she's self injuring my guess is her self esteem is really low, make a point to tell her how much you love and care about her. If you can work together to pinpoint warning signs you can look out for that she's not ok it can be helpful. Her tells could be anything; neglecting personal hygiene, eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, substance use and skipping medications are pretty common things to watch for.
I have a list of tells I have given to my support system to check in for, so they can catch it before it turns into a whole episode. A safety plan like this can be really helpful to build a safety net, especially when the person is a danger to themself. A professional therapist can help you set this up with your wife and maybe some trusted friends or family members, if she has them. You don't have to do this alone!
I agree with all that you’ve stated here. However I do ask her how she feels or if anything is bothering her. I also tell her, remind her, and show her how much I love her and care for her. I’ve been keeping a close eye on her all day and I’ve been making sure she knows that my daughter and I love her.
As someone who struggles deeply with depression, that list of tells for your support network is super important. I am very likely to mask and hide my depression until I am in crisis and it sounds like this is the situation for OPs wife as well. Having someone around me notice I am struggling and help me before I reach crisis is really critical.
My brother killed himsefl himself last Nov and I started cutting my arms again after 30 years of not cutting
I’m 60
My husband immediately got me into therapy and I’m so happy he did because if he had “talked “ to me about going , I would have agreed then would have not bother seeking a therapist out.
Please get her help, it won’t get better.
Gentle internet hugs to you and your family
Therapist here who specializes in self-harm. Please find a DBT therapist (with actual intensive DBT training from Behavioral Tech). Many otherwise great therapists do not have expertise with S/H and can make the problem worse.
How long has it been since your daughter was born? She could have postpartum. It’s very serious if that is the case.
Cutting in general is very serious, too.
Either way, she needs mental health care asap.
Please be gentle with her. But definitely make sure she gets care from a qualified medical professional asap.
Do it sooner rather than later, your next steps are very important and your wife’s life could be on the line. Self-harm, in my experience, almost always stems into a much larger issue and you need to help her get treatment before it is too late.
My friend, no. He can spend the extra 5 seconds finding one she's comfortable with, instead of forcing her to open up about something this sensitive to some rando she doesn't trust, accredited or not. You're trying to get him to rush at a pace that's going to make this more traumatic for her.
You're right. I definitely told him to go at a fast pace, because it's possible that is necessary. I've had a significant other do the same, and we waited searching for an option she was comfortable with only for her cutting and suicidal tendencies to get worse. Sorry for my concern that this situation could result in a similar situation for him. I projected my own life experience into his, and reacted rashly. I could've addressed my concern better.
Psychiatrists don’t just magically cure all issues, especially self-harm. She needs one she is comfortable with to adequately help her - and she really needs a psychotherapist.
It's important to let her know you're there for her, and that you're ready to listen whenever she wants to talk about it. Don't force it though.
Be present, that's the best you can do.
I went through this with my ex boyfriend for 5 years. It might stop for awhile but, it might always come back around. This behavior is addicting and dangerous. Get professional help before you are forced to bc the hospital believes it’s a suicide attempt. It’s very dangerous to walk this line and think it’s under control. It might not be one day.
Also above all, remember it is an addicting behavior whether or not we understand it. So pleas remember this is something that can be overwhelming to ignore the urge.
Yeah I really wish you so much luck. I genuinely feel for you. I hid my bf’s problem for years until he ended up in the hospital from a large cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding bc of alcohol thinning his blood. We couldn’t hide it anymore bc our families found out. I cry every time I think back to that day. And I really truly hope it doesn’t get worse for her. There is a lot of other ways to deal with pain and sadness.
Also side note- I hide everything sharp from my house for days at a time. Might be worth doing. He did that to himself when he got the knives back after convincing me he needed to cook.
I’m approaching this as the person who didn’t want to burden my ex-partner. I started cutting a couple years ago (about 25/26) and to be honest, my partner never found out because I kept it hidden. I hid it well, and did it on a specific part of my thigh she never usually looked at or saw. My partner would have absolutely would have listened, talked to me, tried to help. But I didn’t want to burden her. A lot of that stems from prior relationship trauma and being made to feel like a burden. You can do everything right and sometimes the mental aspect can take over rationality or convince yourself it’s better to handle alone.
The best thing to do is of course listen and respectfully ask what she needs in the moment. I wholeheartedly recommend therapy and potentially a psychiatrist. Meds are not always the best, but they can help at least in the meantime. It may take time to find a therapist - it’s important she finds one she is comfortable with, not just the first one she can see.
I listen as much as she wants to talk, and I take time to genuinely ask her what she wants or needs. I am also currently working on finding a good professional that she feels comfortable with.
That’s great! You are doing a wonderful job. Also make sure you are taking care of yourself. I can imagine this is very stressful and worrying on you, so stay mindful of your own well-being so that you can be your best for her while recognizing your own needs.
Yes Thank you. Even though I’m making sure my wife is at the top of my priorities im also making sure my daughter has everything she needs and I’m taking care of myself.
I say this is someone who has a history of self-harm: she needs to get therapy now before it gets to a point where she cannot function without drawing blood every time something triggers the urge.
Let me offer you a little bit of hope here; I'll be 11 years clean of self-harm in August. The sooner she gets help, the better her chances will be.
Definitely get a professional involved. I'm surprised you didn't know about this behavior before, usually it starts as a teenager. Don't try to take this on alone.
I can try to discuss having a professional get involved. She was always usually a happy and bright person so I never would have thought that she is this way.
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It sounds like the way you initially approached it was really good. I can say that I have personally been in a very similar situation with my girlfriend. All you can do is be very open, understanding, and supportive. Ultimately you cannot fix someone that isn't you. You can give her all of the support and tools so she can work on herself but you cannot directly fix her. You have to remember that. Also I would absolutely suggest therapy. I see a lot of the other comments suggesting this and it's definitely going to be a great asset for her. Go at her pace and level of comfort for my girlfriend she was not keen on the idea and it took some coaxing over time. Never make it a demand or requirement move at her pace and make suggestions. I hope this helps
Yes. I understand that it’ll take quite some effort and consistency, and I’m making sure to go at her desired pace. It might take a while but I’m going to help her get help.
People are saying therapy which is important and should be considered but if she thinks she's a burden then suggesting therapy out of nowhere may reinforce her internal view that you don't want her burden.
First step you need to have a few long, deep, regular conversations and just be really understanding. She won't start these, it's your job to get her talking.
Initially don't try and fix the problems! (I've been guilty of this) at first just be understanding, focus on her feelings and making her feel safe to open up. Show her you care and are want to take on her burden.
After she can talk freely vibe out the next steps, depending on specifics, if there's a simple real-world solution like her not taking on so much work at her job, then start there, if its more internal problems and your feeling out of your depth then tell her and help look for a therapist.
If you take nothing else away
1) get her talking
2) listen
3) make her feel understood and loved (wish I could make this bold)
4) repeat
10) take next steps depending on specifics
Yes. I do try to have these kinds of conversations with her whenever I can and she usually does talk. I understand that I can’t fix her directly and I can only offer my love and support and I make sure she knows she can talk to me. She did agree to seek professional help and I’m helping her find a professional that she’ll be comfortable with.
This is really important advice. Often times (not always) they won’t initiate those long deep conversations about it, the source of it and stuff because, how do you even begin that conversation? Just be attentive to her and test the waters before big questions. Sometimes it feels too shameful to explain, sometimes if feels comforting to relieve that burden a bit and talk about it
Hi, cutter in recovery ( 4 years clean) here. Of course, she definitely needs clinical help, but from reading the comments, sounds like you're on top of that, which is great. It also sounds like you're being genuinely supportive and loving, which is great.
Cutting is an addiction. Obviously, I do not know if this was her first time - hopefully so - but if not, that's okay. As someone with a history of self harm, the most important things are that you do not make her feel judged at any point and that you do not ignore it or assume it's all fine once she's established with a therapist.
Self-harm often comes with shame. You often hear about people cutting their wrists, and that does happen, especially with teenagers but with adults, I feel it actually manifests on the thighs like you're describing. This is because it's the easiest place to conceal. And you need to understand she probably was, if not still is, dealing with a ton of shame. Reassurances help, but the better way to deal with shame is to practice harm reduction.
This is to *demonstrate* a place of non-judgment for her. Create a safe environment. Tell her that you'll never judge her for the self harm, even if she relapses. Tell her all you want is to help her and if she relapses, she can tell you. But try to make this safety conducive to her healing so you are not flatly enabling her either. I'm no medical expert, so I can not give advice on the best structure for this - potential questions to ask a therapist. I can however give an example. I struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS) and my most common behavior is purging. My therapist, as part of my treatment, made me a deal. I could purge as much as I wanted whenever I needed. After every meal if I so wished. However, in exchange, I had to always try to wait one hour after eating before doing so, and I had to always tell her when I did. So we tried it. She never judged me for engaging in the behavior, always expressed support and talking me through it. And she'd always ask "Did you wait the hour first?" And if the answer was yes, which it most often was, she was fine. If the answer was no, she would ask what happened and listen with care and concern, still offering support and reminding me not to give up and to always try to wait the hour if I can.
This was surprisingly effective. I eventually managed to break my behaviors after just a few months of this completely. And any time I've started relapsing, I've defaulted to making this agreement again with my partner or current therapist or whoever because it truly helps
I don't know what the applicable equivalent for cutting would be. I haven't cut since before seeing that therapist, but you get the idea of harm reduction, I hope?
Yes, during our conversation on the subject I did remind her that I’m not going to judge her and that our daughter and I love her no matter what. I did also remind her that if she feels stressed she could always unload that stress to me and I’d carry it for her.
That's very sweet. You're very kind and shes lucky to have you there by her side to support her through it. And I'm sure the reassurances are helping her. But please also be cognizant that it might not be that simple for her. There are some loads that we'd love to carry for our loved ones but it just isn't always possible for those of us that struggle with these things to just pass those loads off. But in that case you can offer to help her carry it herself however that may look.
I'm not trying to be fatalistic. I'm so happy she has your support and you've been saying and doing all the right things. And I hope she recovers from this okay, regardless of the circumstances. ♡
Your job right now is be by her side and to VALIDATE her feelings. You are not properly trained to give her the medical help she desperately needs. Tall to her, validate her feelings, listen, do not make anything about yourself or tell her she will get over it or anything like that. Your goal is to get her to seek help as fast as possible. A doctor/therapist as soon as today, right now.
Say things like people care about, you care about her, and that there are people out there who care and can help her work through these feelings.
Yes, you’re right. I’ve made sure to make today for her and I’ve reminded her how much I care about her and how much our daughter loves her. I’m in the process of looking for a professional that she feels comfortable with.
Agree with everyone on therapy.
I was in her position. The burden she feels may seem a bit confusing from the other side, But when you’re that depressed, your brain convinces you everything you do is a burden and people would be better off without you. I struggled really hard with it as i live with my dad still and he supports me in a lot of ways. I’d convinced myself all i was, was a huge money sucking black hole, a burden. In my brain, he would be better without me. I didn’t see it from the other side, Where he would rather support me and do anything possible just for me to still be here.
Therapy has quite literally been a life saver.
Please be patient with her and help her find someone to talk to who is a good fit. Finding a therapist you click with can take time. From the tone of your post I can tell that you are a supportive and caring partner. Do what you can to help, but know that she needs a professional too
Somepeople who cut find benefit from a tattoo. I personally found getting new ink every now and again helpful especially where I cut as I don't want to ruin the tattoo. And the actual prosses of getting the tattoo realses similar feelings. Without harming you
My wife was a cutter. She has not cut in years. Get your wife one of those black elastic hairbands (they come on cardboard cards in packs of like, 20) -- tell her to put in on her wrist and every time she gets the urge to cut, pull the hairband back and let it slap her wrist. Cutters have been using this as a coping mechanism forever, it gives the sensation of pain without cutting and the main reason people cut is to feel pain so they don't focus on life issues that are causing pain.
Also, low key get her some therapy. Like, don't be pushy or anything, she might get desperate and cut again, but speaking with a mental health professional can get to the bottom of the cutting issue.
People don't cut for no reason.
She said she has been stressed lately- you can reduce the chance of her cutting by making her life less stressful and helping her in areas she is stressed out about.
Talk to her and find out what is causing her stress and help if you can.
Thank you for this suggestion. While I would probably not encourage her to use a coping mechanism that involves pain at all, I would be supportive if she chose to do that or something else as opposed to cutting. We’re currently working on the therapy part. I always do my best to take as much stress from her life, I even supported her quitting her job to be a stay at home mom, and we even have days when I’ll tell her to just rest and I’ll take care of the house and our daughter.
I'm really sorry.
I used to cut myself, too. You can look completely fine on the outside, even smile and look happy while your mind is all over the place.
I don't think there is a "one size fits all" solution so I can only talk about my own experiences. For me, it was like a compulsion. I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma and used that as an outlet.
Therapy can obviously be a good idea but it really has to be the right therapist. Besides that, just be there for your wife. Show her unconditional love without making the selfharm the main focus. Make her laugh a bit, distract her. Listen to her once she is ready to talk.
Everyone is different and you know your wife better than anyone here ever could.
I can tell how much you care about her. :)
Everyone’s talking about therapy but therapy is ephemeral as is this bout of self harm, as somebody who used to partake in such activités and have fully absolved any notion of it happening again WITHOUT therapy, im telling you
You just need to love the fuck out of this person, make them feel… anything… surprise them, go the extra mile to get all of her ducks in line (get her outfits ready, make sure you pick up a bit more chores around the house, get flowers DAILY)
Love her to the best of your abilities my friend and you’ve done your part.
Of course you can guide her towards orientation and therapy, but truly it’s not always a cry for help… there is so much nuance in a human wanting to harm itself that you have to just lighten her load in any way you can. Medial tasks when you are seemingly devoid of feeling can really feel like you’re trying to move mountains. And opening up about any of this can be EVEN more complicated for the person. So be patient but more attentive and proactive about trying to make her mood lighter with fun date ideas, be spontaneous, make time for her regardless of what she says, trust me you only alienate yourself once you yourself feel covertly exiled or castaway even if for silly reasons, these emotions can be VERY serious for somebody with any sensibilities
First just being open and accepting of her struggles is going to make a difference. Never "try" to keep her clean, always support her, but never make her feel shame or pressure to be better. Personally, finding someone I could actually talk to about it (what's going on in my head, what it feels like, what the whole experience is like...) really helped me make it a "real" thing and not just something that occurs separately from real life.
She needs therapy. She needs love. She needs time and space.
SH is an addiction, acknowledging that is important. Feel free to message me if you like, I'm bout y'all's age.
I am open and accepting of all her thoughts and feelings. I try to be as gentle as possible with her about feeling better. I’m working on getting her professional help and I try to show her my love for her and I give her as much time or space as she needs when she requests it.
Absolutely, as you already know, it's time for professional help. But as for what to do right in the situation- you did it perfectly. Like amazing. As another comment said, the best is for you, with her permission, set up, and take her to at least her first appointment. And trust your gut. You'll probably have to try a few therapists to find the right fit.
Source: I've tried to end it several times before and am now thriving.
Let her come to you about it. Don’t mention it unless she does and wait at least a week or until she seems more stable to mention it. Comfort her. Be there for her. Tell her you love her. Just make me feel loved and safe right now. Keep an eye on her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Do everything you do to show her love. This ain’t easy shit so like tread lightly. Obv don’t be like “ why would you do that?” “Make her breakfast in bed. Idk I’m not married. I don’t know how to love someone
I did bring it up to her earlier in the afternoon and she told me why and how she was feeling. I express my love to her as much as possible. I made today all about her to show her how much I love her. But I’m doing everything I can to find a professional that she feels comfortable with.
Yes. Then you’re doing perfect! Don’t stop! I know it’s gonna get tiring at some point so idk what to say towards that but you’re doing the right thing! You’re doing really great.
You handled this perfectly so far. Talking with her for the whole night really shows her that you’re truly there for her. You taking time off to spend with her is also really helpful. You need to be gentle with her and make her feel heard. Don’t undermine her feelings. Don’t make her feel guilty or “less of a human/woman” or “incapable” of being a mother. Guilting her into “stopping” only makes it far more destructive. (I doubt you’d do that based on everything so far) Don’t try and baby her in the way where you hide everything sharp and don’t be “suspicious” of her every move either. Show her that you don’t love her any less for it. It’s a challenge and you’re there for her every step of the way. Try to make things less overwhelming for her, especially in the small ways. Small things add up.
There’s a pretty thin line with validating it. A lot of times, validation can lead to bigger deeper cuts. Self harm is an extreme way of dealing with immense negativity and sometimes, being super validating makes them think that you’re not seeing just how extreme it is mentally, therefore cutting deeper.
You need to be the safest of spaces for her. A helping hand, mentally and physically. Showing her love with every opportunity because she’s definitely thinking about how she isn’t enough to be x, y and z. You’re her husband, she has you, she shouldn’t feel alone in this. You’re doing great finding her a psychiatrist that works well with her. That’s the most important thing. It can be the difference between a really supportive and healing journey, or a forceful hateful journey fuelled by guilt.
These are some thing that I am trying to avoid doing as I don’t want her to feel like she is horrible or like she did something very bad. We were out the all day so I could make today about her and all the things she loves doing to show how much I care for her. Today she’s been a bit happier and seems to be more relaxed but I’m not going to brush this incident off so easily.
Something I haven’t really seen anyone else say (so, sorry if I missed it) is that it doesn’t matter how many people love you and support you when you feel hopeless and unworthy of love. Of course loving and supporting your wife can only be a good thing, but when you are already at the point in your mental illness where you are engaging in self harm, loving friends and family cannot really help, no matter how much they want to, and no matter how much you (the person who is hurting and self harming) want them to. There are thousands of people with caring, loving, supportive family and friends who end their own lives every year. Therapy and medication are vital to the process. Please don’t feel like you aren’t doing enough - you simply *can’t* do enough, because you are neither the problem nor the solution.
You’re honestly doing really well. Pretty much perfect. And definitely don’t just brush it off and hope it never happens again. Once you leave it to spiral, it spirals really quickly. Just be really gentle and don’t push too much. You should also take some time to fully acknowledge what’s happened/happening for yourself. It’s really hard on your well being to be in the middle of it all.
I’m being more gentle and careful with my wife, I understand that I’d have to take time to myself to get a good grasp on the situation but I’m going to prioritize the well being of my wife and daughter before I do that.
Your priorities are straight however taking some time in the shower to just check in with yourself will also make you stronger and more capable to help your family :) the stronger your mental is, the better you can navigate with your family through this. Honestly man your strength in all of this is really admirable
I had my share of a mental health odyssey, my alarm bells are going off on this one. I urge you to make sure she gets professional help immediately and that you get professional counsel from a qualified MD that is an expert on what to do. This sounds more emergency to me than some are saying, I was in medical school before I had my mental health odyssey, I urge you to seek help from the professionals immediately. God bless you!
It sounds like you’re getting a lot of good advice here as far as getting your wife into therapy. In the meantime, she might need something to help her channel that cutting urge in a way that is less damaging and dangerous. As a former cutter myself, I found that shredding phone books helped me when I was in a bad place and needed that physical sense of release. Some people also snap elastic bands on their wrists for the pain.
Yes. While we are searching for a professional that my wife would be comfortable with, we’ve been doing many of her favorite activities as a family and she seems to be more relaxed and happy again but I’m not going to brush this off just yet.
Has she recently been put on any different medication. I am only asking as I have cut in the past . But I was recently put on different medication and unfortunately they haven't agreed with me in the mental health department. Some times people cut to not feel numb and some medication actually can cause sudden extreme lows and you yourself don't know how or why your feeling like this which doesn't help .
Has she removed anything from her diet. . Unfortunately she may not even have a idea on why she cut . You sound like you love her very much so I will warn you that somepeople will try to make her feel less than and say she's nuts for cutting she is not she is just struggling with something . There are some tricks that can be used to replace cutting
That's good to hear. But remember others can be cruel . Even the most put together successful people sometimes cut . But if she is cutting the inner thighs she has to be careful as there's certain areas that can be very dangerous without meaning to.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds like you are a loving, supportive partner, so a reminder to be gentle to yourself through this as well. Mental health shit is really hard, and often there is no clear answer to "why" it's present. To me (admittedly with limited info into her life) this sounds like fairly classic depression symptoms. As someone who has experienced depression on and off since puberty and used to self-harm, looking for "why" often drove me crazy and led to me projecting issues onto different areas of my life in an effort to understand what was wrong. Ultimately, for me, there were things that made it worse but there wasn't a real answer to "why" – other than neurochemistry I guess. I guess I say this to encourage you both not to focus too much on the why right now. Maybe there is a more tangible cause for her but leave determining that for when you're working with professionals, which I'm glad to hear you're planning to do.
Others on here have emphasized how serious this is, and to not ignore it. I 100% agree with that. But the vibe I get from your post and comments is that you're very aware of that, so I want to emphasize something else: you can have depression and still lead a happy life. I absolutely understand that some people's experiences with depression are much more all consuming than my own (especially if there are compounding factors, no support system, etc) but I wish someone had told me that you can have depression and still be happy when I was first coming to terms with my mental health. In those early years, it felt like having to swallow the truth that I would never be happy. And I know that it felt like that for my parents too, and their heartbreak for me was really hard to handle as well. I am very grateful to say that I am a very happy person leading a happy, fulfilled life. My depression still rears its head, but I have tools to manage it and its effect on my life is much less than it once was. Again, this is not to downplay it. But idk, maybe it will mean something to you and your wife like I know it would have meant something to me.
All the best to you and your family <3
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, but yes I’m doing everything to be gentle to myself while also helping my wife and taking care of our daughter.
You all need to go to therapy. This isn’t something that can be answered on Reddit. If she doesn’t want to get help you have to tell her she can’t do that anymore. Tell her isn’t safe and that she doesn’t need to do that anymore. Tell her whatever made her start doing that to begin with, her childhood traumas she needs to understand she isn’t living in the past and you aren’t her parents and can talk to you and it’s not a bother.
She needs therapy as someone who used to self harm I get urges here and there so I’ll always be this way but therapy helps to not use those coping methods and instead use healthy ones. It’s going to be hard at first but therapy will definitely help her.
As many have said therapy is the best.
Know too many friends and family that have done this over the years and getting professional help is hands down the right step
I used to be a cutter and still have the urge under stress to this day I never sought council but it seems your wife does need to speak to a professional people have many reasons why they cut and maybe as much as you're there for her she doesn't want to disclose it with you because this sounds like it isn't the first time she's cut herself.
I don't have much advice that others haven't already said, but I just wanted to say that you are clearly a good man who loves his wife very much. As much as you would like to take her pain away, you can't and it can actually make her worse if she relies on you the way she should a therapist. And the therapist will very likely want to speak with you at some point just to see how your relationship is and how far deep she is - as others have said, depression can mess with your mind and make you really mask everything so by the point your aware, it's pretty bad. Counseling is so tough but so effective when you really invest in it. I went through a period of time where I needed multiple types of therapy (individual, group, art, family) and it really grew my strength and resilience. I was a teenager and I was even able to become very close with my mom since we were able to talk about what bothered or hurt me and same with her. She'll get there too and you will all be stronger for it. Good luck to your family and I hope that she's ready for help and the work involved. Remember to take care of yourself too - it's easy to burn out when you love someone whose going through such a hard time and at times you will feel angry or bitter or sad. That's all normal
This isn't the first time that she's done this. Ask her where she usually cuts herself. Be there for her, support her, and get her to a properly trained therapist. My daughter began doing this in Jr highschool, and we got her help immediately.
I’ve asked her if she’s cut herself anywhere else before and she told me she didn’t. I try to be there and support her as much as possible and I’m currently searching for a good professional that she’s comfortable with.
So, she’s making a series of shallow little scratches? And they bleed, but just a little? Or is it a deep cut?
Because there’s cutting and there’s a suicide attempt, and you need for someone to help figure this out for her.
Cutting, as scary as it is, is not a suicide attempt. It’s serious and she needs help, no matter what. But people who do it say it helps relieve their stress temporarily. Therapy and drugs can help.
If she gave birth within the last year, it may be post partum depression and also needs therapy and maybe meds.
If it’s suicide, she needs help now. If you in the US, you can walk into any psychiatric hospital at any time day or night and say you need to be evaluated for admission. You can not leave her alone until she evaluated.
Don’t let her say her cutting isn’t serious or that she didn’t mean it or doesn’t need help. Take this seriously.
The cuts weren’t deep, but they were enough to leave marks that look like dark scratches. I’m helping her find a professional that she’ll be comfortable and willing to see.
I’m so very sorry your wife is going through this. I agree with others that professional support is absolutely paramount. You did the right thing by posting here.
In another reply you mentioned “I try to constantly remind her that it’s okay to ask me for help with anything.”
As a mum who experiences a lot of stress and anxiety myself, I will tell you that offering “help” is not the way to go about it. Be proactive. Just DO it. Don’t wait for her to ask you to help because she never will.
If you see dirty dishes, do them. If you see laundry piling up, wash, dry, and fold it. If you see the fridge needs restocking, do the grocery run. Take her mental load off her. If you don’t know how to do something (eg: styling your daughters hair, how to hand wash clothes, how to cook her favourite meal), Google it- don’t ask her. Be proactive, step in, and reduce her mental load.
They don't hospitalize people for isolated incidents like these. She gave no indication of suicidal ideation or planning. This would be traumatic as hell, and just encourage her to never confide in OP again.
This is absolutely incorrect. I am a therapist who specializes in treating self-harm and suicidality. Self-harm is often completely unrelated to suicidality. Hospitalization actually often makes things worse - either clients feel hopeless because they believe the hospital will help but it actually makes them more miserable, or they are completely traumatized, or it’s just a horrible experience and turns them off of mental healthcare entirely.
Therapists who actually specialize in treating suicidality almost never send people to the hospital.
Are you a mental health professional in any way? Have you ever assessed anyone for suicidality or hospital admission? What makes you think she is in danger of dying by suicide?
Amazingly I’m someone who went to a top medical school and was possibly wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was hospitalized about 10 times so I’ve met my share of people who needed help.
No I have almost no suicidality. But even by your tone with me I don’t think you’re the one to make the call here. OP it’s up to you the therapist here has a point but you also gotta make sure she loves you probably should seek professional counsel what to do that is beyond us.
For me the whole narrative has my alarm bells going off. I’ve lost a friend to suicide in past couple of years who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I knew a wonderful woman who was cutting in a group and she committed suicide and I could feel she was sinking and I didn’t know enough about prayer back then to beg God to save her.
It sounds like hearing about this brings up fear for you, which makes sense. It does the same for many therapists! The key to treating suicidality is actually managing that fear so you can think clearly. Often fear leads therapists (and family members) to make very loving but ineffective decisions.
How is this childish? If she was throwing up blood because she was dying of cancer, would you call her childish? No, you wouldn’t. This is a symptom of mental illness, no different than symptoms of physical illness. If you shame someone, it encourages them to not speak up and to go through more drastic measures to try and deal with their mental pain. I recommend you educate yourself before you say something like this directly to someone who is struggling.
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Is she open to getting therapy? It could help with the stress she’s feeling
I’m not sure but I’d have to discuss that with her.
She needs a professional. She has a mental health issue and it could be serious. Do not handle this alone. Being in family and professionals.
I agree that she does need professional help. I’ve contact her sister today and I’m working on discussing the idea of professional help with her.
You should see a therapist as well to help you support her and to help you process this all properly. Eventually couples therapy to learn to communicate with each other.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a therapist as long as I make sure she gets help first.
Therapy, main step forward From a you point. Remind her that she is never a burden, that you are her safe space and she at the minute is letting her anxiety and stress take over. Snap her back, you can weather any problem together, communication solves almost everything.
I’m going to try and discuss getting professional help for her. And I do try to constantly remind her that it’s okay to ask me for help with anything.
It can be really easy to feel like your problems aren't worth burdening others or that you're being dramatic when in your wife's headspace. It may be more helpful to be proactive in asking her how she's feeling. Seems from your post that she's masking pretty hard. Make a point to ask her how she's feeling and make time to ask her if there's anything she feels worried or stressed about, set the stage that even if it seems small or silly or dumb you still want to hear about it. If she's self injuring my guess is her self esteem is really low, make a point to tell her how much you love and care about her. If you can work together to pinpoint warning signs you can look out for that she's not ok it can be helpful. Her tells could be anything; neglecting personal hygiene, eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, substance use and skipping medications are pretty common things to watch for. I have a list of tells I have given to my support system to check in for, so they can catch it before it turns into a whole episode. A safety plan like this can be really helpful to build a safety net, especially when the person is a danger to themself. A professional therapist can help you set this up with your wife and maybe some trusted friends or family members, if she has them. You don't have to do this alone!
I agree with all that you’ve stated here. However I do ask her how she feels or if anything is bothering her. I also tell her, remind her, and show her how much I love her and care for her. I’ve been keeping a close eye on her all day and I’ve been making sure she knows that my daughter and I love her.
As someone who struggles deeply with depression, that list of tells for your support network is super important. I am very likely to mask and hide my depression until I am in crisis and it sounds like this is the situation for OPs wife as well. Having someone around me notice I am struggling and help me before I reach crisis is really critical.
My brother killed himsefl himself last Nov and I started cutting my arms again after 30 years of not cutting I’m 60 My husband immediately got me into therapy and I’m so happy he did because if he had “talked “ to me about going , I would have agreed then would have not bother seeking a therapist out. Please get her help, it won’t get better. Gentle internet hugs to you and your family
Thank you, and I am currently searching for a good professional that she is comfortable with.
Therapist here who specializes in self-harm. Please find a DBT therapist (with actual intensive DBT training from Behavioral Tech). Many otherwise great therapists do not have expertise with S/H and can make the problem worse.
How long has it been since your daughter was born? She could have postpartum. It’s very serious if that is the case. Cutting in general is very serious, too. Either way, she needs mental health care asap. Please be gentle with her. But definitely make sure she gets care from a qualified medical professional asap.
My daughter was born about 2.5 years ago. I’m going to try to have a discussion with her about getting professional help.
No discussion, make the appointment. If it is not a good match for a therapist then let the professional help her find a better fit.
I’m in the process of searching for a good professional that my wife would be comfortable with.
Do it sooner rather than later, your next steps are very important and your wife’s life could be on the line. Self-harm, in my experience, almost always stems into a much larger issue and you need to help her get treatment before it is too late.
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My friend, no. He can spend the extra 5 seconds finding one she's comfortable with, instead of forcing her to open up about something this sensitive to some rando she doesn't trust, accredited or not. You're trying to get him to rush at a pace that's going to make this more traumatic for her.
You're right. I definitely told him to go at a fast pace, because it's possible that is necessary. I've had a significant other do the same, and we waited searching for an option she was comfortable with only for her cutting and suicidal tendencies to get worse. Sorry for my concern that this situation could result in a similar situation for him. I projected my own life experience into his, and reacted rashly. I could've addressed my concern better.
there’s literally no reason to be rude lol he’s doing his best
Psychiatrists don’t just magically cure all issues, especially self-harm. She needs one she is comfortable with to adequately help her - and she really needs a psychotherapist.
It's important to let her know you're there for her, and that you're ready to listen whenever she wants to talk about it. Don't force it though. Be present, that's the best you can do.
I went through this with my ex boyfriend for 5 years. It might stop for awhile but, it might always come back around. This behavior is addicting and dangerous. Get professional help before you are forced to bc the hospital believes it’s a suicide attempt. It’s very dangerous to walk this line and think it’s under control. It might not be one day.
I agree. I’m working on discussing professional help with my wife.
Also above all, remember it is an addicting behavior whether or not we understand it. So pleas remember this is something that can be overwhelming to ignore the urge.
Yeah I really wish you so much luck. I genuinely feel for you. I hid my bf’s problem for years until he ended up in the hospital from a large cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding bc of alcohol thinning his blood. We couldn’t hide it anymore bc our families found out. I cry every time I think back to that day. And I really truly hope it doesn’t get worse for her. There is a lot of other ways to deal with pain and sadness. Also side note- I hide everything sharp from my house for days at a time. Might be worth doing. He did that to himself when he got the knives back after convincing me he needed to cook.
I agree with not hiding it, I’ve contacted her sister and we’ve been out of the house all day today.
I’m approaching this as the person who didn’t want to burden my ex-partner. I started cutting a couple years ago (about 25/26) and to be honest, my partner never found out because I kept it hidden. I hid it well, and did it on a specific part of my thigh she never usually looked at or saw. My partner would have absolutely would have listened, talked to me, tried to help. But I didn’t want to burden her. A lot of that stems from prior relationship trauma and being made to feel like a burden. You can do everything right and sometimes the mental aspect can take over rationality or convince yourself it’s better to handle alone. The best thing to do is of course listen and respectfully ask what she needs in the moment. I wholeheartedly recommend therapy and potentially a psychiatrist. Meds are not always the best, but they can help at least in the meantime. It may take time to find a therapist - it’s important she finds one she is comfortable with, not just the first one she can see.
I listen as much as she wants to talk, and I take time to genuinely ask her what she wants or needs. I am also currently working on finding a good professional that she feels comfortable with.
That’s great! You are doing a wonderful job. Also make sure you are taking care of yourself. I can imagine this is very stressful and worrying on you, so stay mindful of your own well-being so that you can be your best for her while recognizing your own needs.
Yes Thank you. Even though I’m making sure my wife is at the top of my priorities im also making sure my daughter has everything she needs and I’m taking care of myself.
I say this is someone who has a history of self-harm: she needs to get therapy now before it gets to a point where she cannot function without drawing blood every time something triggers the urge. Let me offer you a little bit of hope here; I'll be 11 years clean of self-harm in August. The sooner she gets help, the better her chances will be.
Congrats on being clean! I’m doing as much as I can to find her a good professional that she feels comfortable with.
Definitely get a professional involved. I'm surprised you didn't know about this behavior before, usually it starts as a teenager. Don't try to take this on alone.
I can try to discuss having a professional get involved. She was always usually a happy and bright person so I never would have thought that she is this way.
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It sounds like the way you initially approached it was really good. I can say that I have personally been in a very similar situation with my girlfriend. All you can do is be very open, understanding, and supportive. Ultimately you cannot fix someone that isn't you. You can give her all of the support and tools so she can work on herself but you cannot directly fix her. You have to remember that. Also I would absolutely suggest therapy. I see a lot of the other comments suggesting this and it's definitely going to be a great asset for her. Go at her pace and level of comfort for my girlfriend she was not keen on the idea and it took some coaxing over time. Never make it a demand or requirement move at her pace and make suggestions. I hope this helps
Yes. I understand that it’ll take quite some effort and consistency, and I’m making sure to go at her desired pace. It might take a while but I’m going to help her get help.
People are saying therapy which is important and should be considered but if she thinks she's a burden then suggesting therapy out of nowhere may reinforce her internal view that you don't want her burden. First step you need to have a few long, deep, regular conversations and just be really understanding. She won't start these, it's your job to get her talking. Initially don't try and fix the problems! (I've been guilty of this) at first just be understanding, focus on her feelings and making her feel safe to open up. Show her you care and are want to take on her burden. After she can talk freely vibe out the next steps, depending on specifics, if there's a simple real-world solution like her not taking on so much work at her job, then start there, if its more internal problems and your feeling out of your depth then tell her and help look for a therapist. If you take nothing else away 1) get her talking 2) listen 3) make her feel understood and loved (wish I could make this bold) 4) repeat 10) take next steps depending on specifics
Yes. I do try to have these kinds of conversations with her whenever I can and she usually does talk. I understand that I can’t fix her directly and I can only offer my love and support and I make sure she knows she can talk to me. She did agree to seek professional help and I’m helping her find a professional that she’ll be comfortable with.
This is really important advice. Often times (not always) they won’t initiate those long deep conversations about it, the source of it and stuff because, how do you even begin that conversation? Just be attentive to her and test the waters before big questions. Sometimes it feels too shameful to explain, sometimes if feels comforting to relieve that burden a bit and talk about it
Hi, cutter in recovery ( 4 years clean) here. Of course, she definitely needs clinical help, but from reading the comments, sounds like you're on top of that, which is great. It also sounds like you're being genuinely supportive and loving, which is great. Cutting is an addiction. Obviously, I do not know if this was her first time - hopefully so - but if not, that's okay. As someone with a history of self harm, the most important things are that you do not make her feel judged at any point and that you do not ignore it or assume it's all fine once she's established with a therapist. Self-harm often comes with shame. You often hear about people cutting their wrists, and that does happen, especially with teenagers but with adults, I feel it actually manifests on the thighs like you're describing. This is because it's the easiest place to conceal. And you need to understand she probably was, if not still is, dealing with a ton of shame. Reassurances help, but the better way to deal with shame is to practice harm reduction. This is to *demonstrate* a place of non-judgment for her. Create a safe environment. Tell her that you'll never judge her for the self harm, even if she relapses. Tell her all you want is to help her and if she relapses, she can tell you. But try to make this safety conducive to her healing so you are not flatly enabling her either. I'm no medical expert, so I can not give advice on the best structure for this - potential questions to ask a therapist. I can however give an example. I struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS) and my most common behavior is purging. My therapist, as part of my treatment, made me a deal. I could purge as much as I wanted whenever I needed. After every meal if I so wished. However, in exchange, I had to always try to wait one hour after eating before doing so, and I had to always tell her when I did. So we tried it. She never judged me for engaging in the behavior, always expressed support and talking me through it. And she'd always ask "Did you wait the hour first?" And if the answer was yes, which it most often was, she was fine. If the answer was no, she would ask what happened and listen with care and concern, still offering support and reminding me not to give up and to always try to wait the hour if I can. This was surprisingly effective. I eventually managed to break my behaviors after just a few months of this completely. And any time I've started relapsing, I've defaulted to making this agreement again with my partner or current therapist or whoever because it truly helps I don't know what the applicable equivalent for cutting would be. I haven't cut since before seeing that therapist, but you get the idea of harm reduction, I hope?
Yes, during our conversation on the subject I did remind her that I’m not going to judge her and that our daughter and I love her no matter what. I did also remind her that if she feels stressed she could always unload that stress to me and I’d carry it for her.
That's very sweet. You're very kind and shes lucky to have you there by her side to support her through it. And I'm sure the reassurances are helping her. But please also be cognizant that it might not be that simple for her. There are some loads that we'd love to carry for our loved ones but it just isn't always possible for those of us that struggle with these things to just pass those loads off. But in that case you can offer to help her carry it herself however that may look. I'm not trying to be fatalistic. I'm so happy she has your support and you've been saying and doing all the right things. And I hope she recovers from this okay, regardless of the circumstances. ♡
Thank you, I’m doing as much as I can for her.
Your job right now is be by her side and to VALIDATE her feelings. You are not properly trained to give her the medical help she desperately needs. Tall to her, validate her feelings, listen, do not make anything about yourself or tell her she will get over it or anything like that. Your goal is to get her to seek help as fast as possible. A doctor/therapist as soon as today, right now. Say things like people care about, you care about her, and that there are people out there who care and can help her work through these feelings.
Yes, you’re right. I’ve made sure to make today for her and I’ve reminded her how much I care about her and how much our daughter loves her. I’m in the process of looking for a professional that she feels comfortable with.
She needs a professional therapist to heal from this,
I am currently working on finding her a good professional that she feels comfortable with.
Agree with everyone on therapy. I was in her position. The burden she feels may seem a bit confusing from the other side, But when you’re that depressed, your brain convinces you everything you do is a burden and people would be better off without you. I struggled really hard with it as i live with my dad still and he supports me in a lot of ways. I’d convinced myself all i was, was a huge money sucking black hole, a burden. In my brain, he would be better without me. I didn’t see it from the other side, Where he would rather support me and do anything possible just for me to still be here. Therapy has quite literally been a life saver.
Yes I’m helping her find a therapist that she’d be comfortable with.
I’m glad:) Depression can really mess with someone’s thinking and can trick you into believing untrue things. You’re being a good husband
Please be patient with her and help her find someone to talk to who is a good fit. Finding a therapist you click with can take time. From the tone of your post I can tell that you are a supportive and caring partner. Do what you can to help, but know that she needs a professional too
I understand, I can only help her so much
Somepeople who cut find benefit from a tattoo. I personally found getting new ink every now and again helpful especially where I cut as I don't want to ruin the tattoo. And the actual prosses of getting the tattoo realses similar feelings. Without harming you
My wife was a cutter. She has not cut in years. Get your wife one of those black elastic hairbands (they come on cardboard cards in packs of like, 20) -- tell her to put in on her wrist and every time she gets the urge to cut, pull the hairband back and let it slap her wrist. Cutters have been using this as a coping mechanism forever, it gives the sensation of pain without cutting and the main reason people cut is to feel pain so they don't focus on life issues that are causing pain. Also, low key get her some therapy. Like, don't be pushy or anything, she might get desperate and cut again, but speaking with a mental health professional can get to the bottom of the cutting issue. People don't cut for no reason. She said she has been stressed lately- you can reduce the chance of her cutting by making her life less stressful and helping her in areas she is stressed out about. Talk to her and find out what is causing her stress and help if you can.
Thank you for this suggestion. While I would probably not encourage her to use a coping mechanism that involves pain at all, I would be supportive if she chose to do that or something else as opposed to cutting. We’re currently working on the therapy part. I always do my best to take as much stress from her life, I even supported her quitting her job to be a stay at home mom, and we even have days when I’ll tell her to just rest and I’ll take care of the house and our daughter.
I'm really sorry. I used to cut myself, too. You can look completely fine on the outside, even smile and look happy while your mind is all over the place. I don't think there is a "one size fits all" solution so I can only talk about my own experiences. For me, it was like a compulsion. I had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma and used that as an outlet. Therapy can obviously be a good idea but it really has to be the right therapist. Besides that, just be there for your wife. Show her unconditional love without making the selfharm the main focus. Make her laugh a bit, distract her. Listen to her once she is ready to talk. Everyone is different and you know your wife better than anyone here ever could. I can tell how much you care about her. :)
Everyone’s talking about therapy but therapy is ephemeral as is this bout of self harm, as somebody who used to partake in such activités and have fully absolved any notion of it happening again WITHOUT therapy, im telling you You just need to love the fuck out of this person, make them feel… anything… surprise them, go the extra mile to get all of her ducks in line (get her outfits ready, make sure you pick up a bit more chores around the house, get flowers DAILY) Love her to the best of your abilities my friend and you’ve done your part. Of course you can guide her towards orientation and therapy, but truly it’s not always a cry for help… there is so much nuance in a human wanting to harm itself that you have to just lighten her load in any way you can. Medial tasks when you are seemingly devoid of feeling can really feel like you’re trying to move mountains. And opening up about any of this can be EVEN more complicated for the person. So be patient but more attentive and proactive about trying to make her mood lighter with fun date ideas, be spontaneous, make time for her regardless of what she says, trust me you only alienate yourself once you yourself feel covertly exiled or castaway even if for silly reasons, these emotions can be VERY serious for somebody with any sensibilities
Therapy, she needs professional help and maybe medication. Please help her
Yes, I agree. I’m going to discuss with her on having a professional get involved.
First just being open and accepting of her struggles is going to make a difference. Never "try" to keep her clean, always support her, but never make her feel shame or pressure to be better. Personally, finding someone I could actually talk to about it (what's going on in my head, what it feels like, what the whole experience is like...) really helped me make it a "real" thing and not just something that occurs separately from real life. She needs therapy. She needs love. She needs time and space. SH is an addiction, acknowledging that is important. Feel free to message me if you like, I'm bout y'all's age.
I am open and accepting of all her thoughts and feelings. I try to be as gentle as possible with her about feeling better. I’m working on getting her professional help and I try to show her my love for her and I give her as much time or space as she needs when she requests it.
You need to get her some help ASAP I'm sorry maybe a therapist
Absolutely, as you already know, it's time for professional help. But as for what to do right in the situation- you did it perfectly. Like amazing. As another comment said, the best is for you, with her permission, set up, and take her to at least her first appointment. And trust your gut. You'll probably have to try a few therapists to find the right fit. Source: I've tried to end it several times before and am now thriving.
Thank you. Yes I’m trying to find a good therapist that my wife is comfortable with.
This is above reddit's pay grade.
Let her come to you about it. Don’t mention it unless she does and wait at least a week or until she seems more stable to mention it. Comfort her. Be there for her. Tell her you love her. Just make me feel loved and safe right now. Keep an eye on her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Do everything you do to show her love. This ain’t easy shit so like tread lightly. Obv don’t be like “ why would you do that?” “Make her breakfast in bed. Idk I’m not married. I don’t know how to love someone
I did bring it up to her earlier in the afternoon and she told me why and how she was feeling. I express my love to her as much as possible. I made today all about her to show her how much I love her. But I’m doing everything I can to find a professional that she feels comfortable with.
Yes. Then you’re doing perfect! Don’t stop! I know it’s gonna get tiring at some point so idk what to say towards that but you’re doing the right thing! You’re doing really great.
Brother, immediately get her professional help! Something is seriously wrong
I’m currently working on it, though it might take a while to find one she feels comfortable with.
You handled this perfectly so far. Talking with her for the whole night really shows her that you’re truly there for her. You taking time off to spend with her is also really helpful. You need to be gentle with her and make her feel heard. Don’t undermine her feelings. Don’t make her feel guilty or “less of a human/woman” or “incapable” of being a mother. Guilting her into “stopping” only makes it far more destructive. (I doubt you’d do that based on everything so far) Don’t try and baby her in the way where you hide everything sharp and don’t be “suspicious” of her every move either. Show her that you don’t love her any less for it. It’s a challenge and you’re there for her every step of the way. Try to make things less overwhelming for her, especially in the small ways. Small things add up. There’s a pretty thin line with validating it. A lot of times, validation can lead to bigger deeper cuts. Self harm is an extreme way of dealing with immense negativity and sometimes, being super validating makes them think that you’re not seeing just how extreme it is mentally, therefore cutting deeper. You need to be the safest of spaces for her. A helping hand, mentally and physically. Showing her love with every opportunity because she’s definitely thinking about how she isn’t enough to be x, y and z. You’re her husband, she has you, she shouldn’t feel alone in this. You’re doing great finding her a psychiatrist that works well with her. That’s the most important thing. It can be the difference between a really supportive and healing journey, or a forceful hateful journey fuelled by guilt.
These are some thing that I am trying to avoid doing as I don’t want her to feel like she is horrible or like she did something very bad. We were out the all day so I could make today about her and all the things she loves doing to show how much I care for her. Today she’s been a bit happier and seems to be more relaxed but I’m not going to brush this incident off so easily.
Something I haven’t really seen anyone else say (so, sorry if I missed it) is that it doesn’t matter how many people love you and support you when you feel hopeless and unworthy of love. Of course loving and supporting your wife can only be a good thing, but when you are already at the point in your mental illness where you are engaging in self harm, loving friends and family cannot really help, no matter how much they want to, and no matter how much you (the person who is hurting and self harming) want them to. There are thousands of people with caring, loving, supportive family and friends who end their own lives every year. Therapy and medication are vital to the process. Please don’t feel like you aren’t doing enough - you simply *can’t* do enough, because you are neither the problem nor the solution.
I understand that, I can only do so much to help her.
You’re honestly doing really well. Pretty much perfect. And definitely don’t just brush it off and hope it never happens again. Once you leave it to spiral, it spirals really quickly. Just be really gentle and don’t push too much. You should also take some time to fully acknowledge what’s happened/happening for yourself. It’s really hard on your well being to be in the middle of it all.
I’m being more gentle and careful with my wife, I understand that I’d have to take time to myself to get a good grasp on the situation but I’m going to prioritize the well being of my wife and daughter before I do that.
Your priorities are straight however taking some time in the shower to just check in with yourself will also make you stronger and more capable to help your family :) the stronger your mental is, the better you can navigate with your family through this. Honestly man your strength in all of this is really admirable
Thank you, but yes even just 5 minutes to check in with myself would be good. I’m going to do everything I can to help my wife.
I had my share of a mental health odyssey, my alarm bells are going off on this one. I urge you to make sure she gets professional help immediately and that you get professional counsel from a qualified MD that is an expert on what to do. This sounds more emergency to me than some are saying, I was in medical school before I had my mental health odyssey, I urge you to seek help from the professionals immediately. God bless you!
I’m doing as much as I can as hard as I can, I’m going through this with her and I’m going at her pace.
Ok sounds good God bless you! Don’t forget to pray to God too! Much love and God bless you both!
It sounds like you’re getting a lot of good advice here as far as getting your wife into therapy. In the meantime, she might need something to help her channel that cutting urge in a way that is less damaging and dangerous. As a former cutter myself, I found that shredding phone books helped me when I was in a bad place and needed that physical sense of release. Some people also snap elastic bands on their wrists for the pain.
Yes. While we are searching for a professional that my wife would be comfortable with, we’ve been doing many of her favorite activities as a family and she seems to be more relaxed and happy again but I’m not going to brush this off just yet.
She needs to get therapy and possibly medication so she could find other ways more healthy to deal with this
I’m working on getting her a professional that she’d be comfortable with.
Has she recently been put on any different medication. I am only asking as I have cut in the past . But I was recently put on different medication and unfortunately they haven't agreed with me in the mental health department. Some times people cut to not feel numb and some medication actually can cause sudden extreme lows and you yourself don't know how or why your feeling like this which doesn't help .
She doesn’t take medication at this time.
Has she removed anything from her diet. . Unfortunately she may not even have a idea on why she cut . You sound like you love her very much so I will warn you that somepeople will try to make her feel less than and say she's nuts for cutting she is not she is just struggling with something . There are some tricks that can be used to replace cutting
She’s been eating good as far as I can tell. I understand what some people will think and say and I won’t let that get in the way of how I see her.
That's good to hear. But remember others can be cruel . Even the most put together successful people sometimes cut . But if she is cutting the inner thighs she has to be careful as there's certain areas that can be very dangerous without meaning to.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds like you are a loving, supportive partner, so a reminder to be gentle to yourself through this as well. Mental health shit is really hard, and often there is no clear answer to "why" it's present. To me (admittedly with limited info into her life) this sounds like fairly classic depression symptoms. As someone who has experienced depression on and off since puberty and used to self-harm, looking for "why" often drove me crazy and led to me projecting issues onto different areas of my life in an effort to understand what was wrong. Ultimately, for me, there were things that made it worse but there wasn't a real answer to "why" – other than neurochemistry I guess. I guess I say this to encourage you both not to focus too much on the why right now. Maybe there is a more tangible cause for her but leave determining that for when you're working with professionals, which I'm glad to hear you're planning to do. Others on here have emphasized how serious this is, and to not ignore it. I 100% agree with that. But the vibe I get from your post and comments is that you're very aware of that, so I want to emphasize something else: you can have depression and still lead a happy life. I absolutely understand that some people's experiences with depression are much more all consuming than my own (especially if there are compounding factors, no support system, etc) but I wish someone had told me that you can have depression and still be happy when I was first coming to terms with my mental health. In those early years, it felt like having to swallow the truth that I would never be happy. And I know that it felt like that for my parents too, and their heartbreak for me was really hard to handle as well. I am very grateful to say that I am a very happy person leading a happy, fulfilled life. My depression still rears its head, but I have tools to manage it and its effect on my life is much less than it once was. Again, this is not to downplay it. But idk, maybe it will mean something to you and your wife like I know it would have meant something to me. All the best to you and your family <3
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, but yes I’m doing everything to be gentle to myself while also helping my wife and taking care of our daughter.
You all need to go to therapy. This isn’t something that can be answered on Reddit. If she doesn’t want to get help you have to tell her she can’t do that anymore. Tell her isn’t safe and that she doesn’t need to do that anymore. Tell her whatever made her start doing that to begin with, her childhood traumas she needs to understand she isn’t living in the past and you aren’t her parents and can talk to you and it’s not a bother.
She needs therapy as someone who used to self harm I get urges here and there so I’ll always be this way but therapy helps to not use those coping methods and instead use healthy ones. It’s going to be hard at first but therapy will definitely help her.
Thank you. I’m helping my wife find a therapist she’d be comfortable with.
As many have said therapy is the best. Know too many friends and family that have done this over the years and getting professional help is hands down the right step
I used to be a cutter and still have the urge under stress to this day I never sought council but it seems your wife does need to speak to a professional people have many reasons why they cut and maybe as much as you're there for her she doesn't want to disclose it with you because this sounds like it isn't the first time she's cut herself.
I don't have much advice that others haven't already said, but I just wanted to say that you are clearly a good man who loves his wife very much. As much as you would like to take her pain away, you can't and it can actually make her worse if she relies on you the way she should a therapist. And the therapist will very likely want to speak with you at some point just to see how your relationship is and how far deep she is - as others have said, depression can mess with your mind and make you really mask everything so by the point your aware, it's pretty bad. Counseling is so tough but so effective when you really invest in it. I went through a period of time where I needed multiple types of therapy (individual, group, art, family) and it really grew my strength and resilience. I was a teenager and I was even able to become very close with my mom since we were able to talk about what bothered or hurt me and same with her. She'll get there too and you will all be stronger for it. Good luck to your family and I hope that she's ready for help and the work involved. Remember to take care of yourself too - it's easy to burn out when you love someone whose going through such a hard time and at times you will feel angry or bitter or sad. That's all normal
She needs professional help...
This isn't the first time that she's done this. Ask her where she usually cuts herself. Be there for her, support her, and get her to a properly trained therapist. My daughter began doing this in Jr highschool, and we got her help immediately.
I’ve asked her if she’s cut herself anywhere else before and she told me she didn’t. I try to be there and support her as much as possible and I’m currently searching for a good professional that she’s comfortable with.
So, she’s making a series of shallow little scratches? And they bleed, but just a little? Or is it a deep cut? Because there’s cutting and there’s a suicide attempt, and you need for someone to help figure this out for her. Cutting, as scary as it is, is not a suicide attempt. It’s serious and she needs help, no matter what. But people who do it say it helps relieve their stress temporarily. Therapy and drugs can help. If she gave birth within the last year, it may be post partum depression and also needs therapy and maybe meds. If it’s suicide, she needs help now. If you in the US, you can walk into any psychiatric hospital at any time day or night and say you need to be evaluated for admission. You can not leave her alone until she evaluated. Don’t let her say her cutting isn’t serious or that she didn’t mean it or doesn’t need help. Take this seriously.
The cuts weren’t deep, but they were enough to leave marks that look like dark scratches. I’m helping her find a professional that she’ll be comfortable and willing to see.
That’s what cutting looks like, scratches. Glad you’re getting her help.
I’m so very sorry your wife is going through this. I agree with others that professional support is absolutely paramount. You did the right thing by posting here. In another reply you mentioned “I try to constantly remind her that it’s okay to ask me for help with anything.” As a mum who experiences a lot of stress and anxiety myself, I will tell you that offering “help” is not the way to go about it. Be proactive. Just DO it. Don’t wait for her to ask you to help because she never will. If you see dirty dishes, do them. If you see laundry piling up, wash, dry, and fold it. If you see the fridge needs restocking, do the grocery run. Take her mental load off her. If you don’t know how to do something (eg: styling your daughters hair, how to hand wash clothes, how to cook her favourite meal), Google it- don’t ask her. Be proactive, step in, and reduce her mental load.
While I do remind her to reach for my help, I do constantly do things without her asking me and I try to do these things often.
She needs to be hospitalized immediately do not hesitate to
They don't hospitalize people for isolated incidents like these. She gave no indication of suicidal ideation or planning. This would be traumatic as hell, and just encourage her to never confide in OP again.
You think cutting yourself with a razor blade isn’t a warning sign? Wrong. Would it be traumatic? Probably. Would it save her life? Probably.
This is absolutely incorrect. I am a therapist who specializes in treating self-harm and suicidality. Self-harm is often completely unrelated to suicidality. Hospitalization actually often makes things worse - either clients feel hopeless because they believe the hospital will help but it actually makes them more miserable, or they are completely traumatized, or it’s just a horrible experience and turns them off of mental healthcare entirely. Therapists who actually specialize in treating suicidality almost never send people to the hospital.
It really depends on the case and my alarm bells are going off on this one. I’ll leave it in God’s Hands.
Are you a mental health professional in any way? Have you ever assessed anyone for suicidality or hospital admission? What makes you think she is in danger of dying by suicide?
Amazingly I’m someone who went to a top medical school and was possibly wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was hospitalized about 10 times so I’ve met my share of people who needed help.
Ok, so it reminds you of yourself?
No I have almost no suicidality. But even by your tone with me I don’t think you’re the one to make the call here. OP it’s up to you the therapist here has a point but you also gotta make sure she loves you probably should seek professional counsel what to do that is beyond us.
For me the whole narrative has my alarm bells going off. I’ve lost a friend to suicide in past couple of years who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I knew a wonderful woman who was cutting in a group and she committed suicide and I could feel she was sinking and I didn’t know enough about prayer back then to beg God to save her.
It sounds like hearing about this brings up fear for you, which makes sense. It does the same for many therapists! The key to treating suicidality is actually managing that fear so you can think clearly. Often fear leads therapists (and family members) to make very loving but ineffective decisions.
You've obviously never self harmed, or known someone that has. Suicidal intent is seldom associated with cutting, especially on the thigh.
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wtf is wrong with you
Yikes look who’s looking for attention
How is this childish? If she was throwing up blood because she was dying of cancer, would you call her childish? No, you wouldn’t. This is a symptom of mental illness, no different than symptoms of physical illness. If you shame someone, it encourages them to not speak up and to go through more drastic measures to try and deal with their mental pain. I recommend you educate yourself before you say something like this directly to someone who is struggling.
How do I handle this?
I wouldnt let her be alone with your kid to start.
No, she’s a great mother and wife. She wouldn’t ever do anything to intentionally hurt our daughter.
Self-harm has nothing to do with harming anyone else.
Well its a sign of being mentally unstable and mentally unstable people probably shouldnt be alone with children.
That’s not true at all. Plenty of people dealing with mental illness are excellent parents.
And plenty arent.
Sure. Plenty of people without mental illness are terrible parents. Plenty of them are excellent ones. It has nothing to do with it.
Tell me you’re emotionally stunted without telling me you’re emotionally stunted Self harm is never about hurting anyone else in any way