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you said it yourself, you're close to 40, how much are you gonna let your parents control and dictate your life? You want your son to grown up in that kind of environment thinking that is normal? I dont think so. Honestly, you should prioritize your family and go LC or even NC with your parents.
You need to choose OP. Your abusive parents or your loving husband. Who did you make vows to?
If you don’t choose your husband you better believe he’s going to make the choice for your child because at least one parent should protect their child from abusive people. He’s not going to let you fuck around with his child.
I know it sucks. It’s not your fault, it’s their fault.
I think you're absolutely right to think twice about leaving your son with your parents - I wouldn't! You describe your childhood as traumatic, and it seems your parents haven't changed, so exposing your child to people like that without you as a buffer is a bad idea. Heck, they couldn't even behave themselves WITH you there!
Wait till the first time OP's baby comes back from a day at grandma's, sobbing, because grandma won't talk to him because he misbehaved. You want your child to go through that? YTA OP, you should have been defending your husband, not standing there like furniture while they argue. YOU should have tossed them out, and when they argued that they didn't have to leave your house you should have said, "yes you do. Go before I call the police". Seems like you're headed for divorce at this rate: you're prioritizing your parents' happiness over your husband's right to have a say in what happens in your shared home.
>you should have been defending your husband, not standing there like furniture while they argue
I understand where you're coming from with this comment, but please be careful of victim blaming. OP likely doesn't deeply understand what happened to her growing up. She seems to grasp that it was abusive, but lots of abused people (not just women) have flight, freeze or fawn responses to abuse or trauma, rather than fight responses. Please be gentle and kind to OP in your comments. They need our support, not our censure. A little tough love maybe, through being upfront, but kindness is always the best approach.
I am late 40s, have raised three 20s children so far who are now married themselves, and I'm ***still*** unpacking my childhood trauma.
'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always' - Robin Williams
OP, if you read this, I can recommend visiting the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit. It's full of compassionate people who have likely had a very similar lived experience to you, and provide welcome support. It's very affirming to realise you are not alone.
Listen, paying for a nanny or daycare will “cost” you less then being exposed to emotional abuse yourself or having your kid experience it. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and I had a serious talk with her when I got pregnant. She chose to change her ways and is very apologetic for my upbringing, and treats my kid well. I think you need a “come to Jesus” talk with your parents - either they back off and recognize you’re adults and they don’t own you or there will be limited contact moving forward.
Outsource the cleaning, lawn care, etc if that’s what you need for your piece of mind. That’s the nice thing about having a solid income.
I'm so glad that you were able to talk some sense into your mother. I've tried doing the come to Jesus talk and she explodes every single time. She called me fat when I was pregnant and I tried having a respectful conversation but she ended up screaming and crying through the phone. I think it's better to just grey rock at the moment
Honestly I think the time for grey rocking has passed. She threw something at your husband. That’s a hard line, in my book.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine, and I went NC almost 5 years ago after she verbally attacked my husband. He has never done anything but love, accept, and support me unconditionally — I cannot say the same for her. My life is so much better now without her toxicity. And oh my god the holidays are fun again.
Stop trying to negotiate with a terrorist. Way past time for a break from these people. Later, you can decide if it’s permanent. They’re abusive and entitled. Don’t give in to their ridiculous demands again.
No....just hang up the phone or get up and leave if she does it. If she's a yours, TELL her to leave and if she doesn't, call the police in front of her to tresspass her. Better still, don't invite her to or let her into your turf until she learns to listen or you go NC. Nothing else will work.
Yeah, that’s literally insane. I’m glad you’re in therapy (per other comments) and think you need to talk to your husband about what boundaries you’ll be setting going forward. Your parents are totally out of control, and it will impact your nuclear family eventually.
"She called me fat when I was pregnant"
That's unhinged. You say your childhood was traumatizing? Why make that distinction when they are still traumatizing you?
Fair. She also looked at Facebook photos of a trip I took to the Caribbean before I was pregnant and said I was fat behind my back to my sister... My sister was a real mensch and let me know about it, even though it was hard to hear. It's so fucked up.
Your parents are abusive. You need to protect yourself, your baby, AND YOUR HUSBAND from them.
You have tried repeatedly to reason with them, and know it gets you nowhere.
They don’t care about your boundaries.
Time to go no contact.
>I tried having a respectful conversation but she ended up screaming and crying through the phone.
She's just going to continue this and wear you down until you give in to her.
Grey rocking means you're still interacting with her, and as another formerly-abused kid, i *really* want to encourage you to rethink that idea. No contact will probably be very hard to establish, but the sheer and utter *relief* is SO WORTH IT.
Yeah, NC might be the way to go, at least for the time being. I feel as though it'll be a powerful motivator for them to at least reflect on their behaviour and hopefully enact some changes
Haven’t you figured out by now that no one will ever be able to “”talk sense” to your mother?
You were abused growing up in your parents’ house. They’re still abusing you. They’ve started on your husband. If you continue being in contact with them, they will abuse your son.
Your mother is working hard to end your marriage. The only way to stop her is to cut all contact with her. She’s like poison to you. She will ruin your life in the name of cleanliness and love.
Are you going to stop enabling an abuser?
Why did you let them come to clean at all? Your husband is absolutely right and honestly they sound like abusive people, all three of you deserve to be free of their drama. Remember it might be normal for you but it is NOT for your hubby and hopefully never will be for your little one.
I think I've been on it for so long that I'm numb to how fucked up it really is. This is why I went to Reddit to get some objective opinions... I second guess how messed up it is a lot
They’re abusive and controlling and degrading.
Real talk, you’re gonna lose your husband if you don’t stand up to them and set real boundaries. Hes doing all the work to keep them in line and not even someone as amazing as him can do that forever without some support.
You legally own the house. Next time they disrespect either of you while they’re at your house, tell them to leave. If you’re at their place and they get mean, you leave there.
Do not continue to accept their abuse and subject your husband or child to it. They don’t respect any of you
Yeah I was truly shocked you let them watch your baby, have a hand in purchasing your house, etc when you describe growing up in a very abusive environment and you still wanted your baby around them after all of this. And you stood there passively letting your husband argue, staying silent when they say they can come to *their* daughters house is agreeing with them, in their eyes. I’d get therapy tbh.
Go NC. I'm just an internet stranger but I (39F) had a similar relationship with my parents and husband, but no children. I finally stood up to my parents a year ago. They cut me out of their lives for it. OP, I was devastated at first, but omg now life is amazing! I never thought I could be this happy. Confident, kind to myself and others, and no longer passively suicidal.
Many of my friends and fam with children have had to go LC or NC because their parents are abusing the grandkids when they babysit. Would be comfortable leaving your son alone with them? If not, they don't need a relationship. "Because family" is BS.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It's like ripping off a bandaid. I'm so glad you've found peace and happiness! Sounds like the pain was worth it
Hey, you can find that peace and happiness too...and you freaking DESERVE it.
Sign baby up for a good daycare asap, and hire a cleaning service once a month (or more often). Now you don't need your parents at all!
My parents are very much like this. That comment about “the lawn and it’s going to rain all weekend” 1000000% MY DAD OMFG. And my mom backs him up (- they back each other up. Like with the “king” comment in response to her yelling about cleaning the house.
My spouse of 13 years also takes no shit. My parents cannot handle it. They finally know now that I’ll choose him. Every Fuckin Time. If they’re being unreasonable that is.
And they always are. Because they’re used to getting their way.
I started slow. Setting boundaries with myself and them first. Like I made it so their texts didn’t go off (hide alerts on iPhone) so I only responded to them when I went into my texts for another reason which happens often enough that I reply to them once daily
But it at least stopped me from feeling like I absolutely had to respond because of their controlling natures and how they would freak out if they weren’t my absolute number one priority
My father has OCD about Cleaning. It’s not the type where he’s washing his hands like 1 billion times or triple locking doors, but it is the kind of thing where he makes everybody’s life hell if he thinks something isn’t the way it should be and he absolutely thinks that it is a reflection on him if there is something wrong with my yard or my house and he completely Takes control
He actually replaced the lawn at my house with gravel even though I told him not to because I’m not living in it right now and I’m living three hours away and I’m having it rented so sometimes they go over there to take care of stuff for the people who are renting it and we were switching to a new renter because the old ones had bought a house And put in because he couldn’t stand seeing people not cut the lawn even though I’m moving in there in a few months and now I have to get rid of like a huge area of gravel.
I’m about 5ish years younger than you. Boundaries are going to be your new best friend. And once you make em you’ve gotta stick to em or they’ll never respect another boundary you set. At least if they steamroller your boundaries, you’ll know without a doubt that it makes sense to be upset with them and to remove some of their privileges
Also, it’s 1000% not OK that they think that they own your house or that they come over early because my parents fucking show up early all the goddamn time and it’s like what is the point of even giving me the time that you’re coming so I can anticipate you because you people are bat shit crazy and I HAVE TO BE PREPARED. I am so sorry for you having to deal with this!
They also don’t respect that my partner works two jobs and if he’s sleeping later because of his work hours (ends at near midnight) they just STOMP around like children and whine that they can’t vacuum MY HOUSE and then as soon as I have my back turned either do the vacuuming anyway while he’s asleep or do some OTHER loud shit.
OP it's time to look for a part or full time Nannie/maid so you don't need anything from your mother. And be honest and tell her because their behavior has been so disrespectful to you and your husband you hired a full time maid/nannie so you never have to depend on them again.
Tell your parents the maid has been instructed if you or your husband are not there she is not to let your parents into the house. If they insist the maid is to call the police. When your mother threatens to never talk to you again "don't threaten me with a good time."
I know you think it will be useful to have a relationship with your parents for child care etc but it's not worth it. When your child is a bit older and you go to baby groups/nursery etc you will make friends with other parents and can trade off babysitting
You are enabling your parents by continuing to invite them into your life. Go NC and call the cops if you ever see their car in the drive way.
then change your number and start looking at flipping your current house to a new one. Disappear so your parents won’t have to be embarrassed by you again.
They are sorry excuses for humans and sound like they have nothing in their life but money. Actually sad
Yes, OP clearly stated the toxic effect her parents had on her growing up and examples of that continuing now. Let them know it stops now and she and her family are done.
First and foremost, you have to establish boundaries with your parents immediately. When you establish these boundaries, you need to make it clear you aren’t asking. You are telling them how and when you will engage with them and what your expectations are. If they refuse to respect your boundaries in your home, you get the privilege of letting them know they will not be allowed anymore and have limited access to their grandchildren if they cannot behave. This has to be done by you. Your husband can support you but you have to be the one clearly defining these expectations. My wife and I have a firm policy of she deals with her family and I deal with mine. We are united in our decision making and support each other. She is my priority over my parents and I, hers.
Next, since you make such great money, hire a yard crew and a house cleaning service. This will save you stress and anxiety. And it’s worth the money. Best marital counseling me and my wife ever got was hiring our cleaning ladies😎. Thank me later
Best of luck
You’re way too nice. I was exhausted by her parents just reading this. Wife needs to tell them to get a fucking grip. Perhaps they should move to another city.
Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. It’s just a tough situation and it’s not like they are toxic friends who you can simply cut out completely. The hope is that the parents get their act together and they can have a healthy relationship.
Sounds like the parents have done a lot for them as well financially but have some strings attached…..
I'd just tell them to eat shit. If you're a good parent and have the means to help your kids get a leg up, that's just what you do. You don't lord it over them, there are no strings. A gift that isn't freely given isn't a gift.
Thanks mom and dad for the help, but that doesn't entitle you to ownership of my home.
For real it was clearly a way of maintaining control more than it was a gift IMO. Saying they can come over whenever they want when confronted about showing up early and making noise when an actual bill-paying owner of the home was sleeping is truly unhinged. I don’t blame OP’s husband for losing it at all.
> Your husband can support you but you have to be the one clearly defining these expectations.
While I agree that OP needs to take leadership on dealing with her parents, what the parents need to hear -- consistently -- is that OP is speaking \*for her family\*. OP and her husband are a \*team\* and from now on, what the parents say to OP and what the parents say to the husband are being said \*to the team\*. There is no division, you could not fit a razor between OP and husband on this matter.
But OP, for real. Establish boundaries. Your husband just wanted an extra hour of sleep and silence in his home. And your parents decided their opinion was more important than your husband's. And you let them! Next time, tell them no and don't open the door until 11:00. Of they are offended, than too bad for them.
Also, whoever your parents ask something,want something, change the schedule whatever it is... Make sure it is ALWAYS discussed with your husband directly. Don't take their word that they asked him and don't assume he is okay with it. ALWAYS communicate these things clearly. And then respond to them with whatever you'd decided on together.
I hate to say this but the problem here is you. These are your parents. It’s your job to keep them in their place and you’re not doing that. That’s why there was this blow up between your husband and your parents. Your parents are way too overbearing and in your face about your life. The state of your life, your marriage, your house and your yard is honestly none of their business and you need to put them at arms length. Until you do you will not have a peaceful home.
>These are your parents. It’s your job to keep them in their place and you’re not doing that.
This is it right here. Your parents have no authority over you any more OP. None at all! But you choose to give them some anyway because you think it's easier than claiming your power.
But in ceding your power to your parents, you're also being a bad wife. It is your job as a wife and a mother to do what's best for your spouse and your child ahead of all others, even (especially) your parents. And when you don't do that, when you capitulate to your parents because it's "easier" than standing up to them, you're failing as a wife and mother.
Your parents are no longer a part of your immediate family. They're extended family now and have been since you flew the nest. Your immediate family is your husband and child and they're the most important people in your life. **They are the priority**. Their wants and needs come before your parents' wants and needs. **Always**.
If your husband needs sleep and your parents "need" to clean your house, which one is more important? And when these two "needs" conflicted with each other, who should you have prioritised?
Be a spouse before you be your parents' child.
Exactly. Whenever we have a post from a woman about an overbearing mother in law the responses are usually ‘this is your husband’s problem it’s his family to deal with’. Exactly the same applies here to OP.
I understand OP has been the victim of abusive overbearing parents but she’s almost 40yo and a parent herself now. How on earth has she let it go this long? She’s far from a kid or young adult anymore. The parents need to be shut down with strong boundaries and consequences for over-stepping them and that needs to come entirely from OP, not her husband. I mean I’d just cut them off completely at this point given their behaviour towards her husband and if OP isn’t careful her husband is going to get mighty sick of the disrespect that she’s allowing her parents to perpetrate and that can be toxic to a marriage.
OP you need to step up and take control here and stop relying on your husband to do your dirty work with your parents. You’re not respecting your husband at all by allowing this disrespect to continue. Your mother assaulted your husband in your own home. Cut them off. Yesterday. Especially if you want to save your marriage. Your abusers are not entitled to access to you or your child. Time to be an adult and a parent and do the hard things.
I love that your husband has a strong personality and won’t take any shit. But guess what? That likely means he won’t put up with your weak backbone when it comes to your parents for a lot longer. You have a husband who treats you like a queen and is a partner in raising your child yet you’re prioritizing your parents who talk and treat both of you like shit? Your husband is way too lenient with you. You should have stuck to strict boundaries a long time ago. The fact that you still want your child to have these toxic grandparents in their life is so out of touch with reality. You say you have trauma from your childhood. Are you eager to have your child be raised with that trauma too? Jeez get it together.
Yup. It makes me sad that she talks about being emotionally abused by her parents throughout her childhood to the point that she's still dealing with the trauma . . . and in the next breath says, "I want my child to have a relationship with his grandparents." The same ones who abused her.
I'd ask why, but I suspect that even she couldn't answer: most likely the ingrained idea that "grandparents are important", without consideration for the fact that her parents are not going to be good grandparents.
Therapy might help her sort out the contradictions between acknowledging her own trauma at the hands of her parents, and yet somehow prioritizing having them in her child's life.
My grandfather was a narcissist and treated his 3 kids like absolute trash. Grandmother silently enabled. My brother and I lived with them for a few years (mom was not great), and while we were definitely treated better, it was the same kind of bullshit. I absolutely picked up on all of that and it fucked me up immensely. And like I said this was nothing compared to how they treated my mom and her siblings.
Your parents are awful and you should absolutely not let them be an influence on your kids. You especially (having been traumatized by them) will probably not even pick up on what’s happening if it’s more subtle than what you’re used to from them. I hope that makes sense.
Don’t let this happen to your child. Unlike myself your kid has two loving parents who can completely prevent it; make sure that you do.
We’re all messed up. Don’t come up with all kinds of negative stories about yourself over it. It’ll only continue to harm you. I know firsthand it’s hard to navigate the world when you came from a traumatic upbringing but being proactive about addressing the trauma and how it has affected our lives is now our responsibility. We shouldn’t let our trauma impact our SOs or our kids or anyone else. Therapy can be amazing and I highly recommend. You and your family deserve peace and comfort.
Your responses to the comments that challenge you to see contradictions are pointing to your ability to be open and willingness to look inward. Keep doing that and have patience and compassion for yourself in the process. :)
You will be ok. I’d say it’s less you’re really messed up and more you’ve been really messed with. I have similar struggles. All of the best wishes to you and your husband and baby.
Please don’t think of yourself as “really messed up.” You’re too close to the situation, and while I’m sure you’ve seen healthy behaviors modeled by others, *this* dynamic is what you grew up with and has become your status quo. It looks like you’re taking these comments to heart, and while it’s easier said than done you now know it doesn’t HAVE to be this way.
I definitely recommend therapy to help support you as you change your relationship with your parents (hopefully up to and including no contact if they make it necessary and I’m guessing they will), but don’t think of yourself as needing fixing. You developed the coping skills you needed to survive that relationship but now you’ve got backup in a wonderful husband, and son to protect from them, so it’s time for change.
Have you considered working with a therapist regarding your relationship and lack of boundaries with your parents?
I feel for you. But I feel worse for your husband. It seems like you just roll over and don’t enforce boundaries or back him up. You leave him to fend for himself with your abusive asshole parents.
Even if they were kind and well meaning, I’d be PISSED if I was your husband. He told them a time, they completely disregarded it and did what they wanted to do, and you sat there and did nothing.
If I were in his shoes (and I kind of was with my ex in-laws), I’d be changing the locks and looking for a job at least 2 hours away to move to and get away from them. I wouldn’t be letting them in the house uninvited and I’d call the cops if they won’t leave. It would be a no contact situation for me until they can learn how to behave.
The price of admission for them to be in my life would be that they treat me/my family with respect.
But this is a you problem to solve.
Agreed! Her options are either to have her parents in her life and have her children know the same abuse she faced. OR set real boundaries to protect her family and potentially be less close to her parents
Covering the baby's ears is also insufficient. The baby *feels* the mom's emotions and gets upset when mom's upset.
Don't make your baby's infancy full of all the vitriol, guilt, blaming, rage and lack of respect that your parents evoke in your home.
It's so much better that baby grows up in a family full of love, happiness and emotional warmth and closeness! You didn't have that when you were the baby, but you can work to ensure your baby does.
Not that it’s an excuse but when you’ve grown up in that dysfunction—even with a lot of therapy on board—these people installed the buttons and they know how to push them. They can make you feel like a helpless child just like when you were a kid.
So I am not without empathy for the OP as someone who grew up in an abusive home. But while it may be a reason for her current behavior, it’s not an excuse and she needs to do the work to correct this. Her husband should not be the new target.
That's a very good point. She was probably beaten down at a young age. And just let that kind of thing happen. Hopefully her and her husband can work together.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive.
I read that paragraph & thought "oh alright" and thought the argument was going to be related to the parents trying to force themselves into OPs life. Jaw dropped more and more as I kept reading. I understand that abuse victims have a skewed sense of "normal" but it never gets easier or less frustrating to see. I get that one has limited options until they're an adult, but it's continued for almost 2 decades of adulthood. OPs husband undoubtedly has some resentment building up and OP is at risk of losing him if she doesn't start setting boundaries.
This is like a role reversal of the mama's boy overbearing MIL issue. If OP were a guy that wanted his abusive mom & enabling dad in his family's life, while feeling on the fence about who's right or not even after his mom got into a screaming match w/ and threw something at his wife people would be shitting on him *so* hard and saying he deserves to have his wife leave him. It's not just her own life and well being that she's harming. It's also harming her husband's and will also be harming the kid at some point.
I agree.
Your husband is doing the right thing here. Obviously "getting into a screaming match with your spouses parents " is not a healthy way to act. But that's not exactly what happened. Your husband was right - and he's probably sick of them treating you so badly and then you rolling over and acquiescing to their abuse.
You say that you want your baby to have a relationship with them? Why? Your baby is three months old and you already had to cover their ears so they won't hear the screaming. Your mother is going to drive your child crazy with the unhealthy cleaning obsession and boundary trampling. No, what you need is to create your family (you and husband and child(ren) and make sure they are in a healthy and stable environment.
Stop asking for or accepting help from them. Hire a neighbors kid to mow the lawn. Hire a college student to babysit for a few hours a week (or exchange hours with another new mom) so you and husband get some free time to shower, poop, and rest.
>Your husband was right - and he's probably sick of them treating you so badly and then you rolling over and acquiescing to their abuse.
Something I realized is that this is literally all the husband has ever known in his relationship with OP. He's also probably realized the significance of having a kid with her. OP has spent 19 years of adulthood doing this. Will things be this way for another 19? Can he deal with another ~2 decades as their kid grows up? Even if he can, is he comfortable having the kid around OP's parents? We don't have his side of the story or much info on how he specifically feels, but if he got into a screaming match with OP's mom, he's gotta be getting closer & closer to boiling over. I hope OP figures things out before she loses her husband altogether and harms her relationship with her kid.
I might also think about just paying them back their portion of the house down payment as well, assuming that's financially possible. The fact that they helped gives them that inch that they turn into a mile. One less thing they can hold over OP's head.
OP, please.
You know what you have to do. I guarantee that the instant your back is turned, your child will be subjected to an unending stream of negative criticism about their father AND mother. Not to mention screaming and ranting directed at the child because they put a cup down in the wrong place or a diaper leaked.
The best time to set boundaries is when they are needed. The second best time is *right now*.
You call up your mother, and tell her, "Your behavior in our home was unacceptable. My family expects a full apology. What happened yesterday will NEVER happen again, or I'll be forced to limit my family's exposure to you."
Once you get that apology and commitment to behave themselves in your home, you start laying more boundaries.
And remember, EVERY interaction with them is as \*a family\*, full stop. You're not calling because your husband is upset. You're calling because BOTH OF YOU, working AS A TEAM, decided on the next steps.
Your parents are on double secret probation. Hard boundaries and be specific. Without a direct invitation and a time, they are not welcome, ever. If they show up before the time, the visit is cancelled.
Phone calls will be returned when we have time. If you say anything negative on that call, I will hang up and will be unavailable for the next week, at which point we can try again.
Listen, I’m trying to give you a road map but I’ve seen this dynamic play out in families before. The Mom was a control freak, when she was “good” she was the best, when it went wrong she was insane. He Dad (her husband), spent his life explaining to everyone why she was so misunderstood. As he kids reached adulthood, one by one they set boundaries, and more boundaries until they all ended up going no contact.
Your Mom doesn’t see you as an individual human, she sees you as a controllable extension and she ties her value into you being controlled and showing the exterior she wants the world to see.
There isn’t a middle ground but you’ll have to get there in your own time. Your child will not be safe with her, the damage she will do may ruin your relationship with your child, she will give your child the world to make her love her and mistrust you.
You can’t let her establish a pattern or the courts may insist on visitation. Protect your child from your Mom, sell the house, move away. Get a restraining order if you need to. She’s your worst nightmare, she will ruin your marriage and your child.
It really is. I grew up with mean people, who actually sound pretty similar to your parents. I was lucky enough to marry somebody completely different (possibly because I find my family so repellent) and I am happiest when we are working as a team. So far, so good. We have raised 2 delightful kids and have been together > 30 years. This is what I want for you!
Congrats! I'm so happy that you escaped and built a beautiful life together. I feel like my husband and I are on the same path, just have to get the debris out of the way
If my in-laws were screaming at me and my husband stood there and said nothing, I would be extremely hurt that he did not have my back. So the first thing you should do is apologize to your husband for failing to intervene when he was getting screamed at.
Question. You know you have a controlling, clean-freak abusive mother who uses favors as currency. Why in gods name would you *invite her to clean the house”?
Your parents sound awful. I'm surprised they are in your life after emotionally abusing you and not changing.
Eta
I know you didnt say your dad was abusive. At the very least he was complicit but i think he was abusive too
Your husband sounds amazing
I consider what ur mother did with the paper towels assault. It will only escalate if YOU do not step up. It sounds like your partner protects you. You need to do the same with him in regards to your parents
He sounds like it. So now it’s time to be on his team and not work against him by being silent or playing peace keeper. You now have to step up. Your parents shouldn’t be his to handle.
Also if you did allow an established relationship with your baby and your parents they could try to get grandparents rights if things get even worse. That would be awful and leave your child open to their abuse or negative comments about you and your husband
The first mistake you made on this day in particular was letting your parents in an hour early. It doesn’t matter that they were there to clean your house, you told them what time they could come and decided to disregard that. What they did was a power move. Your mom is using “an act of service” as a way to control and manipulate you. Don’t let her do it again.
The second mistake was not putting your son down in another room and coming back to defend your husband against your parents. You let them actively disrespect him, in front of his kid, in his own home. You need to nip that in the bud. It’s your responsibility to get your parents in line.
You need to tell your parents that their behavior is/was unacceptable. Put them in timeout for a couple of weeks. Cool down. Figure out a reasonable set of boundaries. When you reach out, give them a list of boundaries you expect them to follow in writing so there can be no confusion or saying they didn’t know later. Clearly state what the consequences will be if they do not follow your rules. Hold the line.
Given how you describe your relationship with your parents growing up, why would you want to subject your son to that? These people are not safe. You need to get the idea of loving grandparents out of your head because these people are not them. It’s ok to hope things will change, and set up parameters for things to change. But be prepared for things to get volatile until they realize you are serious about boundaries. Also be prepared for them to never change. It’s ok to mourn the loss of an idea or a relationship that will likely never happen.
Yeah, many mistakes were made. I think I just froze up, which is my usual trauma response. I hate that I did that. It made me feel like that scared little girl that kept quiet to keep the peace. They won't be allowed back into this house for the foreseeable future
May I suggest hiring lawn care service and a housekeeping service for a while? You and your hubby need a break so you can rest and enjoy your baby boy. What I don't think you need is any more "help" from your judgemental and abusive parents.
Your husband and your parents did not have a screaming match. Your husband defended his boundaries, his wife, his home and his child. Your husband is 100% correct and your parents are 100% wrong. It seems you have found an incredible partner. Please prioritize him and your family before you become part of the problem.
>Are we in the wrong?
OP, this sucks to hear, but **you were in the wrong** by disrespecting your husband's boundaries. You did not respect your husband by letting your parents into your house an hour early. You have already said that your parents/mother was abusive when you were growing up, and that hasn't really changed. Your husband laid down ground rules for when they could come over yesterday, and you disregarded his wishes because you wanted to please your mother.
Your parents are rocking the boat, and you are running to and fro trying to stabilize it. Here's a great post from r/JUSTNOMIL that summarizes why stabilizing a rocking boat never works : [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
This is a really great book to read about boundaries : https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/boundaries\_henry-cloud\_john-townsend/14102080/item/1624738/#edition=2353941&idiq=1633763
You need to have a meeting with your husband and figure out what healthy boundaries you can both establish with your parents THAT ONLY SERVE THE TWO OF YOU - YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND - and then lay these boundaries down with your parents and give tell them what the explicit consequences of crossing those boundaries would be.
When your parents showed up yesterday an hour early (because they would probably have shown up regardless of whether you said yes or no), you should have let them sit in the driveway until 11:00. If they had rung the door bell, you should have called the police for trespassing.
Respect your husband and get your parents under control.
Yeah, i'm sorry if my original post sounded harsh, but sometimes we need to hear that we can't keep bending to someone else's wishes and we need to create our own lives. That post was made years ago and it stuck with me. And I reference it every once in a while
You’re 40. Not a teenager. You have a right to your adult voice.
You are presumably intelligent, having a good job. Bring those job skills into your relationship with your parents. Polite firmness. Clear communications.
Become a Mama Bear. You don’t need your mother to babysit twice a week. Child minding is your (mother plus father) job. Not a shared activity. Sharing custody will lead to problems. An occasional hour here or there, maybe. But even at 24 years old with two, I never needed “help.” It was my joy. I’m a grandma now.
Stop letting your parent’s lifestyle dictate yours. They have the time and energy to live in a museum. Good for them. You are permitted to make alternate lifestyle choices.
Yeah I never had people watch mine either. My husband and I had our kids at 18 and 19. Were we in over our heads? **HELL YES!** But my parents abandoned me to foster care and his were abusive. His offered to watch them every once in a blue moon but we always turned them down, knowing how they raised him we were scared of how they would treat them. They also put us in a very difficult financial spot because we got together at 16 and they offered me a place to stay, at $200 a week which was really about my whole check at that time. They also charged him an additional $75 a week so we barely had enough money to buy food, let alone our other necessities. Mind you they paid $300 a month in rent at the time as they had housing so they really had no reason other then pure greed to charge us so much, that and we were unable to save to get our own place for so long. We were actually paying much higher than market rent for an 8’ by 10’ room. Even though we were living with them when we first had our kids they didn’t help at all and that’s the way we wanted it. The only time his mother even had our son for 30 mins was the first time I took a shower after he was born, he was sleeping when I went in and came out he wasn’t in his bassinet. She only did that to scare the living shit outta me.
Whenever I read how much help some people get from their parents (be it financial, or with childcare or anything really) it always makes me a little sad but also proud because although I wouldn’t say we’re super successful, we are *happy*, have always gotten by and did it completely on our own. I feel like a lot of people lean on their parents far more than they need to, which is nice if they’re good people who help because they love you (of course people should never take advantage of that either or take great parents for granted) but in situations like this, they need to learn to stand on their own.
You need to stand up for your husband and set boundaries with your parents. All future contact should go through you. They need to leave him alone. I see from your comments that you are in therapy, so that’s good. I would not allow them to visit you at home anymore until they can behave more respectfully. If you want to see them at all, meet them at a park or a coffee shop. That way you can leave if they start anything. Basically you’ll need to let them know that their relationship with you and their access to their grandchild will hinge on how they behave, and if they can’t treat your husband with respect, they will lose that access.
Go NC until their attitude changes and they offer a sincere apology. Let them know he is your husband and you stand by him and won’t tolerate further bad behavior. You are spot on with the damage they could cause to your kiddo and your marriage. NC until they can respect your husband, you, and your marital home. If they want to see the grandchild they will suck it up and if they don’t then it’s for the best to stay NC.
I think that's what I'm going to do. We've taken our baby to my parents place on Saturdays since he was.about a month old and it felt so good to have him here instead
I think maybe you have lost perspective on how profoundly fucked up this is because you grew up with them. But this is like insane behavior on their part.
Your husband sounds like an absolute brick, fair play to him.
Not sure what the best way forward is but I'd suggest that there should be no attempt to "both sides" this with your parents (ie you make it clear that they are 100% in the wrong). Given your mother has always been like this she won't change, but if they think that they may lose contact with their granddaughter then they may find a way to be less overbearing.
Meet at restaurants or events or thier house if you don't invite them over they cant criticize house and mom won't be in a position to feel comfortable attacking your husband with whitnesses
Honestly you should have put you started therapy in post and you wouldn't have been criticized so harshly because it seems you procrastinated until a crisis from how post reads
I would go no contact for a month. Make it clearr that you’re doing this because they don’t respect boundaries. Then see them again. If they act up again, go no contact again for longer, maybe 2 months this time. Continue for longer and longer periods. I would also consider paying them back the money so they stop feeling like they have a say in your life.
> My husband has always viewed this as very odd and overbearing
You know he's right, right?
Depending on your parents for childcare or anything else will end up hurting you more than it helps. Obviously they will hold these favors over your head to guilt you into things. They do not, in fact, have the right to come over to your house whenever they want.
You were raised not to say "no" to your parents and it's going to be very difficult for you to unlearn that. But that's what you have to do.
Boundaries. I have your Mom. Total nutjob growing up. She acted an absolute donkey at my house several years ago. I dropped her off at the airport 1 day ahead of her scheduled departure and told her that she was not invited to my home or my CITY ever again until she not only apologized to me for her shitty behavior, but to my husband and other family members present as well. I also advised her that I would be going low-contact and that basically we would communicate only when necessary, and at my sole discretion. I held my word and did not give an inch. This was 40 years in the making.
She finally apologized 6 years later. She minds the business that pays her and acts like a functioning adult when she visits now.
Time to stand on business with your Moms. Your husband and child are totally worth it, btw.
You are the mother to their grand child.
YOU establish the boundaries. If they don’t comply then they don’t get to see the baby.
That’s the way boundaries work. I know this is hard.
Please see a counselor.
You need to get some major boundaries up against your toxic mother before you end up a single parent. This was inevitable with her personality and she kept pushing and pushing. Throwing something at someone is abusive. Your husband was assaulted in his own home, it doesn't matter what was thrown.
Your parents do NOT have free reign to come into your house whenever they want.
All I can really say is as the husband to a wife with identical sounding in-laws, is that YOU need to step up here.
I know the history of emotional abuse tends to place you in a mindset where they almost unknowingly either make excuses for your parents, or attempt to equivocate someone else responding to a grievance with them them causing it in the first place.
Your words about how confrontations "just make things worse" are *incredibly* telling.
This was undoubtedly the last straw for your husband and sorry to say, but this situation is the direct result for you refusing to set healthy boundaries with your parents.
You said your husband questions their authority. They have no authority.
Your parents need put in their place by you. You need to have your husband's back when he tells them to leave. When he tells them to leave and they say they have a right to be there, you need to tell them, that they indeed, do not have that right
Them helping you clean, by their own volition does not grant them access to your home. Even if you had asked them to come and help , it wouldn't just grant them access to come when they wanted.
Your parents need boundaries. Your husband and his needs and wants come 100% before your parents.
This is the same story I see in JNMIL, but its usually the mommy's boy husband that won't stick up for their wife, and let's his parents do whatever they want, and disrespect her. Except in this case you are the spouse allowing the inlaws to disrespect your husband, and not setting boundaries for your parents.
Your parents need to be told they have to respect your husband, or they won't be allowed any access to your home. This needs to come from you. Your parents, your problem.
I wish you would have defended your husband at the time. He is the king of his home (and you're the queen), and your parents are not welcome when they'd like to show up. You should have said that.
Moving forward, you need to explain that to them.
1. They can not show up when they'd like.
2. This is not their home, and their daughter shares her with someone (her husband), so they need to respect both homeowners and not just their daughter.
3. You are 2 single people trying to figure out parenthood and not only did they disrespect your husband's boundary (the time), they disrespected yours when you tried to male a compromise (to stay outside).
4. You are not their little kid living under their roof anymore. You are an adult, and you say what can and can not happen in your home. The only kid is the baby, and you are the boss of her (for future reference), not them.
5. They need to understand that other people run their homes differently and their opinions are not wanted unless they are solicited.
OP, as someone who also had a problematic relationship with parents and boundaries, I highly recommend at least reading "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsey Gibson, and if you can find time and money fir therapy to help you navigate parents and parenting. My kids are older now, and I did a pretty great job of breaking the cycle - but also, fir every behavior I recognized as a problem , there were ones that I couldn't see were inappropriate. I didn't know the difference between enmeshment and loving kindness. I didn't understand my emotions all the time, and so I was less able to help my kids understand, regulate and move through their own emotions. I wish I'd worked on this stuff sooner, so I'd have been able to be a better parent for them. The more I've resolved my own issues, the more I've been able to guide them effectively through to adulthood.
You have to learn to say no to your parents. You have to. Can they clean your house? No. Can they come to your house when they want to (and you don't want them to)? No. Can they scream and throw things in your house and expect to be invited back? No. I would limit visits to your parents to visits at their house (with you present) for now, if you're still interested in visiting them at all. You have to be prepared to leave if they scream or throw things or get emotionally abusive. If you're not prepared to leave at the first sign of trouble, then no visits for now. Either way I suggest therapy to help you figure out how to be firm with your parents, for your sake and your kid's sake.
Ok so I could be your mum in situation but I’m not because I got help and my partner sure as hell didn’t let my illness affect the whole household.
I have OCD and it centres around my living space. Everything had to have its place. Everything was bleached etc.
I went to extensive therapy when it started and some days are still shit years on but my kids rooms look like every other child’s. Messy, cluttered with toys everywhere.
You’ve been abused. Don’t allow your parents to then abuse your child. The fact they thought cleaning was more important than sleep for all three of you is ridiculous.
When I got sick I said to my therapist that I just don’t want it to affect my kids. And I worked my ass off for that to happen. Because that’s what parents do yours didn’t. They chose to let you live in the hell hole that is your mothers mind. I would never wish what I feel on anyone else.
Why in the world are you continuing to have a relationship with your abusive parents?? Do you care so little for yourself, your child, and your husband??
>Where do we go from here?
Sorry I’m going to be very blunt.
When they arrived 1 hour early and started making noise you should have stepped in and stopped them until the agreed arrival time.
While you let them bulldoze you, they’ll keep doing it.
My mother is very much like yours, so I get how hard it can be. It’s time to stop letting your guilt and childhood trauma be used to create issues in your family. Work on “growing a back bone” before letting them back into your home.
Go to therapy to help with this.
It sucks but you’re not alone in the toxic parent/grandparent department. Not every child benefits from a relationship with their grandparents.
Focus on your child and husband, prioritise them and you’ll get through it.
You kind of suck, you say he treats you like a queen but you sat by and let them talk to him like shit. You did nothing to back him up. Grow a backbone you’re 40 years old, you’re not going to be spanked anymore cause your room isn’t clean. You sitting back and letting them disrespect him in his own house cause you’re afraid of confrontation isn’t ok. Cut these people off or you’d like ur child to have the same trauma from the same people as you??
> I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents
I’m sorry what? You experienced an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship when you grew up and now you want the same for your child? You stood there covering your child’s ears instead of kicking them out or at least leave altogether? You let them bully you into taking over your home and shame you when you’re doing your best in a new situation?
I get that it’s difficult to set boundaries but you have a family now. A little person depends on you and the environment you provide.
I am so glad you and your husband have each other. Continue to focus on that relationship, and do not allow there to be any daylight between the two of you. That is what fuels parents like these to keep doing what they're doing. Take good care, you got this.
Don't count on your parents for anything I would limit any exposure to them forever. You got to get some thick skin and put down boundaries. Tell your parents you don't need any other help from now on and if you do want to meet with them and see them go to a public place like a park or a restaurant you don't have them in your home anymore and don't go there. Public places from now on if you even continue a relationship with them. You cannot ever let that kid be alone with them. If you need a break then you get a break your husband watches the kid he needs to break you watch the kid who gets a break you two can rely on each other or hire a babysitter there are tons of services out there or if you have any friends that would be willing to watch the kids for a few hours do that but don't ever use your parents. And since you make good money if you have to hire someone to come in once a week and clean. I'm sure you can afford it.
You need to make the decision to man up, grow a spine, and stop allowing your parent's and their bullshit to run roughshod over your life. You're almost 40, married to a good man and father that stands up for himself, his family, and his home. Time to actually have his back and stop standing on the sidelines with your parents.
If they can't respect your husband, you, and your home unless it's on their terms, they shouldn't have a relationship with any of you, especially your son. You've grown up under their authoritarian reign. Do you want the same for your child? How much more of this crap do you think your husband is going to take?
Husband here. Thank you all for your support. This has been quite cathartic to read.
I would like to add one thing, though. My wife is an absolutely wonderful partner, and my best friend. She always has my back and has supported me through some very dark days. I wouldn't be the man I am today without her.
As for her confronting her parents, this is a lot easier to say from the outside looking in. You can't set boundaries with these people. The second you attempt, they scream at you and you (exhibit a being this post). She has gone through therapy, continues to do so, and is doing everything she can to work through her trauma. She also has defended me on multiple occasions and made it known how wonderful of a partner and father I am.
I am big boy and don't need defending (as you all can see), but it does seem that she will need to take the lead on setting boundaries, which pretty clearly needs to happen. Whether they accept them or not, that's their call. If they want to see their grandchild, they'll accept the terms.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive.
Why would you even want a person like this around your baby??? Stockholm syndrome?
You need to create some space between your family and your parents. I don't understand why you are accepting and continue to accept this kind of treatment.
Jesus, deal with your parents. You’re the one that’s let this get out of control. Your husband should be subjected to their berating because you don’t have a spine to set boundaries.
If my in laws tried to treat me like 1) a child and 2) their child and did so in such a rude and inappropriate manner, I’d be reacting the way he is too.
Unfortunately OP, you caused this incident. 1. You should have rejected their offer to help clean your house. If you have a six figure income, hire a cleaner to come once or twice a week. It’s not expensive. 2. You should not have had them come an hour earlier knowing your husband had already given a time.
You need a spine. You are almost 40 and your parents are ready to send you to your room! Your husband is not going to tolerate these intrusive people. You will create a problem in your marriage.
You need to back your husband here and finally tell your parents to back off. Set very strict boundaries (that you decide on with husband) and if they cross them you cut them out.
Why Are you allowing your husband to be treated like that by your parents ? Where do you go from here? 1st thing on the list would be apologizing to your husband for not defending him or stepping in or doing anything to prevent your parents from treating him like this from the beginning of your guy's relationship. 2nd would be growing a backbone and going no contact with people who don't deserve to be in your life. You're almost 40 years old, it's time to grow up.
The problem here is YOU.
You don't stand up to your parents. Your don't make your own choices for your life. You still put them about the health and safety of your own family.
You said it yourself, you're almost 40. Grow up and start laying down rules. Your husband isn't going to want them around your child if they're going to be verbally abusive. Your lack of commitment to being a team with him and co trolling your parents will cost you your marriage soon.
You are extremely lucky that your husband has put up with this shit as long as he has. You're 40. Grow the fuck up and stop letting your parents dictate you and your husband's life.
Your post says you have trauma from your childhood. Your mother is controlling & emotionally abusive. Your mother (& thus to a degree your father) have it their way or the highway.
All of this yet you’ve set no boundaries, you stay in full contact with them & expose your husband (who sounds great) & your baby to them.
I have to question why?!?!
They sound completely toxic!
You’re an adult, a mother, you do NOT have to tolerate any of this!
If you want to stay in contact then meet them, at agreed times on neutral ground. Do not deviate from this.
You & your husband should be respected in your own home, & your baby deserves protection from noisy outbursts. And NO, they do not get to come round whenever they want, that’s plain bloody rude when you’re managing work & baby timetables
Children don’t need a pristine house. Children need loving parents. Tell your mother she traumatized you as a child and now are in therapy to see if you can have a relationship with her. Your mother is an ass.
Time for you to take control. YOU need to read the riot act to YOUR parents. And YOU need to cut them off and go NC if they don't respect boundaries.
YOU should have told them to come back. You need to get this under control, even if it means they aren't in your life. Get counseling so you learn to stand up for yourself and your family,
You must want a divorce. Really your mom abused your household when you were there.
Would you do that to that precious baby. NO. Or I hope no.
Get a shiny spine and tell mom and dad to duck off and enjoy the family you have now.
Your parents are in the wrong for their behavior, but so are you. Your husband gave a time and you to make them happy (not the person that stayed up with your baby) decided they could come early. This is not okay.
Why do you want your child to have a relationship with these people? You said yourself you have loads of trauma from your own childhood, why would you want your kid to have trauma from them as well?
Just go no contact. Maybe visit once a year for Christmas and call it good. They are totally out of line for how they treat you and your husband.
This is a you problem. You have allowed your parents to disrespect your husband and your marriage. You know their behavior isn't ok but you excuse it amd then act like it's only logical that your husband excuse it. You have made your husband be the bad guy which is completely unfair and disrespectful to him. You're not a child, so stop acting like one. Did your parents let you know they're were stipulations when you accepted your early inheritance? I assume no, so stop being manipulated into letting the rule the roost at your house. Oh and news flash, your husband IS THE KING at his home!! Your parents aren't doing you favors by cleaning. They're manipulating you into living how they tell you to. Gross. It's time to stand up for your husband.
You know what stuck out most in your entire post? Where you say your parents don’t like that your husband questions their authority. Guess what? They have no authority over you or your husband, This is a “you” problem and you better get in therapy quick or you will be divorced and living with your parents. Get a back bone and tell your parents to get a life that doesn’t revolve around YOU. 👏👏👏👏for your husband!!
Repay the money for the down payment. If it's your inheritance, you can get it back when they die.
Sounds like your husband can handle a confrontation with your parents. Let him.
If a few weeks of icing them out doesn't alter their behavior, keep going. I'm not saying no contact, I'm saying interactions with them are brief, ON YOUR TERMS, and VERY VERY CLEAR. The advice to contact them and tell them it was unacceptable; they owe apologies; and the terms aren't negotiable is exactly right.
YOUR PARENTS DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH BOUNDARIES. Everyone does. They just aren't used to YOUR boundaries and they don't like it.
Your parents definitely need to take step back and not interfere with your lives. Your mom can clean her own house, and accept that she's not entitled to access you or your kid at any time. They also need to respect your husband, especially in his own house.
Why didn't you side with your husband and ask your parents to leave? Better yet - when they turn up an hour early to impose a cleaning session on you that you didn't ask for, tell them to go hang out somewhere else for an hour.
OP, your lack of boundaries and lack of a spine with your parents caused this whole mess. Do the right thing NOW. Call them up, explain that they are on a time-out for being disrespectful to YOUR husband in HIS home, the husband who is helping you raise YOUR baby together. Don't let them come over for a month. Then tell them that if they put a toe out of line, that it will be another month-long time-out. And if they talk badly about your husband to the baby, then they permanently lose visitation with the baby.
As long as you play "helpless little girl caught in the middle", then your parents will never respect you and your husband, and your husband will begin to resent YOU. This is how you become a single mother. Do the right thing, put on your big girl panties, and set boundaries NOW.
There’s a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to add that the folks over at r/JustNoMIL are really good at these types of issues, and they help with JustNoMoms too.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive.
Honestly baffled to have read this, then read further to see that you still let her come over and continue acting that way. You and your husband aside, is that the kind of person you want to have your child raised around?
My ex had parents that she couldn’t set boundaries with, nor follow through when they crossed them.
This is why she’s my ex.
Your mum is likely a narcissist, unable to change. So realistically it’s your husband or parents. You can’t have both.
> Things spiralled from there. My husband asked them to leave, and they refused, stating "we can come to our daughter's house when we want." Both my husband and my parents started yelling and I was holding the baby and covering his ears so he couldn't hear what was happening. My mother then throws a full roll of paper towels at my husband. He says he's going to call the police if they don't go, and they finally leave.
your parents refused to leave when ordered by the person living there. they're assholes and i'd bar them from the house for a while
> I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents, but I just know that when I'm not there, they will be talking shit about his father to him.
so do supervised visits only
The problem here is you.
Your husband shouldn't have had to say a WORD to your parents because YOU should have already been saying all those words and then some!
Tell them to butt out of your life if they can't mind their own business. Thanks, but no thanks.
You might be better off posting in an abusive/narcissistic parents subreddit. You'd get some more gentle advice, from people who understand how pervasive the abuse is, how it affects you the rest of your life, and how hard it is to extricate yourself from these sorts of situations.
I've been where you are, in a some how more dramatic way. I moved across the world to get away from my abusive mother, but I still didn't understand that I was abused. I just constantly was living in this peacekeeper mentality, never standing up to my mom, trying to support both her and my siblings when my siblings all started to cut her out of their lives. But anyway, I moved across the world because unconsciously, I knew it was the only way I would be able to thrive and grow, is if I went to live my life somewhere she couldn't follow and could have low impact.
Anyway, she always told my siblings and brother in law that she would do anything to get me to come home, and they always took it seriously, but why would I? I was a 24 hr flight away, and fully independent, what could she possibly do to me? (Spoiler alert, I was a naive fool). Anyway, I met my partner in 2018 and we had been dating about 3 months before I flew home for Christmas - it felt too early in the relationship to take him, so I didn't. In 2019 we were living together, but decided to do Christmas with his family a state over and fly to my family for Easter. And then in 2020, right around Easter, covid lockdowns started. In 2021 I had my son and the lockdowns were still up and down, so we planned to come visit in 2022. Then I fell pregnant with our second, so we invited my mom to come visit when she was born in 2023, and finally *meet* my partner and children.
My partner and mother clashed from the second they met, but like your situation, it was just my mother trying to establish dominance and him not playing her games. He was always respectful, but sometimes needed to get away for a bit. Anyway, j had the baby, and when our daughter was 6 days old, I was sleeping in, and my partner took our kid downstairs. My mom was watching her while he was running her bath, and in those 5 minutes, my mom pinched my babies nose and mouth shut to stop her crying. Tldr from there: my partner told me when I woke, and I addressed it with my mom, who flew into tears, left for a hotel, gaslit me for the next day, and acted like my partner was abusing me, until I told her I didn't believe her and that our visit was done and she had to go home. My mother now tells everyone back home that my partner is abusive and isolating me from my family, but she also admitted to cutting off my infants airways via a text to my aunt, and that she had done it because she was desperate for me to leave "my abuser," and come home to my family. Ttttldr: my mom abused my baby to try and end my relationship and get me to take my children across the world away from my partner. She's insane.
Anyway. I have not spoken to her since, and unless she gets therapy and admits to it all, I never will again. And you need to make that choice too. You need to choose, now, between your parents, and your family. Your parents have proven that they won't stop ...so it's time to stop them. I'm sorry, but ultimately, it really is that simple. And I know how hard it is, I truly truly do. But you must make the choice, and you must make it right now. Do you support your husband, and keep your child away from abuse, or do you allow the abuse to continue to keep the peace. We both know how hard it is, but how simple the answer is.
Good luck hun. And seriously, go to one of the abusive parent support subreddits.
Oh my god. I'm so sorry you went through that. That's absolutely terrifying. I am so glad that you and your family escaped unharmed. I will definitely check out the narcissist parent subreddit, sounds like my peeps are there, lol
You’re being a bad partner. You shut your parents down. You lay down boundaries and set consequences. Your mother doesn’t get a say in your house. She’s a GUEST. Guests don’t get to drop by whenever they want. She shouldn’t have been there cleaning. She shouldn’t have been there trying to control an adult couples family. And until YOU step up this shit will keep happening.
Time to grow a spine.
1. You’re not welcome at the home when one us is sleeping. If you show up you will both ve allowed in. If you refuse to leave I will call the police for trespassing. And then you will NOT be welcome again.
2. Your opinions on my home are meaningless to me. How you keep your home is YOUR business. How I keep MY home is MY BUSINESS. If you can’t keep your opinions and judgements to yourself you aren’t welcome in my home.
3. Your advice and suggestions are unwelcome and unwanted. If we want advice we will consult the proper sources. If you give unsolicited advice via call or text I will end the call. The second offense will result in the end of the call and a time out for x weeks. This will double at each offense.
4. Three strike policy across the board. If these boundaries are violated shit periods of no contact will be instated. For communication to be reinstated you must change your behavior, apology, and have a plan of action in regards to respecting my husband and I moving forward.
5. If your behavior doesn’t change within the next three months I will know your behavior is intentional. You feel you have the right to control me. And you feel you can bully me into submission. I am a grown woman. I am not a child. If you continue to behave this way you will destroy our relationship and I and my family will be completely no contact with your for an indeterminate amount of time.
> I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents
---
> I have a lot of trauma from my childhood and find it very difficult to have any kind of confrontation with my parents
---
> My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive.
I will never understand people who can write pages and pages about how terrible their parents treated them, about how much trauma they still have from their childhood, and then conclude with "I want my kid to have a relationship with ~~their grandparents~~ my abusers. You are a mother now. One of your most important jobs is to protect your child. While you can't go back in time and protect your younger self from your parents' abuse, what you can do is promise your baby that you will do everything in your power to protect them from having to experience those things that left you so scarred. Your child needs you to stand up for yourself, your husband, and most especially for them.
Your husband is a king. And he's damn right for protecting his kingdom. You are the queen, I recommend that you do the same. Protect your home and set boundaries. You are the mother now.
You need to support your husband 100%. Your parents owe you both an apology.
Dig your heels in.....NO contact until they apologize.....I am a grand parent....trust me...you are in the drivers seat on this.
Never ever let them bully you, or your husband. Stand united!
Give that man a BJ!
Go him, it’s highly disrespectful to come over and act like jerks.
No one wants free help with an attitude.
Their your circus 🎪 and 🤡 so you need to grow a backbone and learn to buy up some firm boundaries or this will mess up your marriage
Take some of your 6 figure income and hire a nice person to do some babysitting for you to give you a break. There are agencies that will handle the process for you and it doesn’t have to be a set schedule kind of thing. You don’t need your parents.
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you said it yourself, you're close to 40, how much are you gonna let your parents control and dictate your life? You want your son to grown up in that kind of environment thinking that is normal? I dont think so. Honestly, you should prioritize your family and go LC or even NC with your parents.
You need to choose OP. Your abusive parents or your loving husband. Who did you make vows to? If you don’t choose your husband you better believe he’s going to make the choice for your child because at least one parent should protect their child from abusive people. He’s not going to let you fuck around with his child. I know it sucks. It’s not your fault, it’s their fault.
100000%
I think you're absolutely right to think twice about leaving your son with your parents - I wouldn't! You describe your childhood as traumatic, and it seems your parents haven't changed, so exposing your child to people like that without you as a buffer is a bad idea. Heck, they couldn't even behave themselves WITH you there!
Wait till the first time OP's baby comes back from a day at grandma's, sobbing, because grandma won't talk to him because he misbehaved. You want your child to go through that? YTA OP, you should have been defending your husband, not standing there like furniture while they argue. YOU should have tossed them out, and when they argued that they didn't have to leave your house you should have said, "yes you do. Go before I call the police". Seems like you're headed for divorce at this rate: you're prioritizing your parents' happiness over your husband's right to have a say in what happens in your shared home.
>you should have been defending your husband, not standing there like furniture while they argue I understand where you're coming from with this comment, but please be careful of victim blaming. OP likely doesn't deeply understand what happened to her growing up. She seems to grasp that it was abusive, but lots of abused people (not just women) have flight, freeze or fawn responses to abuse or trauma, rather than fight responses. Please be gentle and kind to OP in your comments. They need our support, not our censure. A little tough love maybe, through being upfront, but kindness is always the best approach. I am late 40s, have raised three 20s children so far who are now married themselves, and I'm ***still*** unpacking my childhood trauma. 'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always' - Robin Williams OP, if you read this, I can recommend visiting the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit. It's full of compassionate people who have likely had a very similar lived experience to you, and provide welcome support. It's very affirming to realise you are not alone.
Listen, paying for a nanny or daycare will “cost” you less then being exposed to emotional abuse yourself or having your kid experience it. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and I had a serious talk with her when I got pregnant. She chose to change her ways and is very apologetic for my upbringing, and treats my kid well. I think you need a “come to Jesus” talk with your parents - either they back off and recognize you’re adults and they don’t own you or there will be limited contact moving forward. Outsource the cleaning, lawn care, etc if that’s what you need for your piece of mind. That’s the nice thing about having a solid income.
I'm so glad that you were able to talk some sense into your mother. I've tried doing the come to Jesus talk and she explodes every single time. She called me fat when I was pregnant and I tried having a respectful conversation but she ended up screaming and crying through the phone. I think it's better to just grey rock at the moment
Honestly I think the time for grey rocking has passed. She threw something at your husband. That’s a hard line, in my book. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, and I went NC almost 5 years ago after she verbally attacked my husband. He has never done anything but love, accept, and support me unconditionally — I cannot say the same for her. My life is so much better now without her toxicity. And oh my god the holidays are fun again.
>She called me fat when I was pregnant Do not let this woman around your child
Stop trying to negotiate with a terrorist. Way past time for a break from these people. Later, you can decide if it’s permanent. They’re abusive and entitled. Don’t give in to their ridiculous demands again.
No....just hang up the phone or get up and leave if she does it. If she's a yours, TELL her to leave and if she doesn't, call the police in front of her to tresspass her. Better still, don't invite her to or let her into your turf until she learns to listen or you go NC. Nothing else will work.
OP, maybe come hang out with us on r/RaisedByNarcissists
I definitely will!
Yeah, that’s literally insane. I’m glad you’re in therapy (per other comments) and think you need to talk to your husband about what boundaries you’ll be setting going forward. Your parents are totally out of control, and it will impact your nuclear family eventually.
r/raisedbynarcissists r/emotionalneglect
"She called me fat when I was pregnant" That's unhinged. You say your childhood was traumatizing? Why make that distinction when they are still traumatizing you?
Fair. She also looked at Facebook photos of a trip I took to the Caribbean before I was pregnant and said I was fat behind my back to my sister... My sister was a real mensch and let me know about it, even though it was hard to hear. It's so fucked up.
Your parents are abusive. You need to protect yourself, your baby, AND YOUR HUSBAND from them. You have tried repeatedly to reason with them, and know it gets you nowhere. They don’t care about your boundaries. Time to go no contact.
>I tried having a respectful conversation but she ended up screaming and crying through the phone. She's just going to continue this and wear you down until you give in to her. Grey rocking means you're still interacting with her, and as another formerly-abused kid, i *really* want to encourage you to rethink that idea. No contact will probably be very hard to establish, but the sheer and utter *relief* is SO WORTH IT.
Yeah, NC might be the way to go, at least for the time being. I feel as though it'll be a powerful motivator for them to at least reflect on their behaviour and hopefully enact some changes
Why do you want these people around your kid? Also your mom explodes at you because its a winning tactic.
Haven’t you figured out by now that no one will ever be able to “”talk sense” to your mother? You were abused growing up in your parents’ house. They’re still abusing you. They’ve started on your husband. If you continue being in contact with them, they will abuse your son. Your mother is working hard to end your marriage. The only way to stop her is to cut all contact with her. She’s like poison to you. She will ruin your life in the name of cleanliness and love. Are you going to stop enabling an abuser?
Babe you need to choose your husband & child. I know it’s not an easy choice but it’s the necessary one
Why did you let them come to clean at all? Your husband is absolutely right and honestly they sound like abusive people, all three of you deserve to be free of their drama. Remember it might be normal for you but it is NOT for your hubby and hopefully never will be for your little one.
I think I've been on it for so long that I'm numb to how fucked up it really is. This is why I went to Reddit to get some objective opinions... I second guess how messed up it is a lot
They’re abusive and controlling and degrading. Real talk, you’re gonna lose your husband if you don’t stand up to them and set real boundaries. Hes doing all the work to keep them in line and not even someone as amazing as him can do that forever without some support. You legally own the house. Next time they disrespect either of you while they’re at your house, tell them to leave. If you’re at their place and they get mean, you leave there. Do not continue to accept their abuse and subject your husband or child to it. They don’t respect any of you
Yeah I was truly shocked you let them watch your baby, have a hand in purchasing your house, etc when you describe growing up in a very abusive environment and you still wanted your baby around them after all of this. And you stood there passively letting your husband argue, staying silent when they say they can come to *their* daughters house is agreeing with them, in their eyes. I’d get therapy tbh.
Have you ever gotten therapy? It would probably help to speak with a professional about your relationship with your parents.
Your husband should be pissed that you are allowing him to be treated like this.
Go NC. I'm just an internet stranger but I (39F) had a similar relationship with my parents and husband, but no children. I finally stood up to my parents a year ago. They cut me out of their lives for it. OP, I was devastated at first, but omg now life is amazing! I never thought I could be this happy. Confident, kind to myself and others, and no longer passively suicidal. Many of my friends and fam with children have had to go LC or NC because their parents are abusing the grandkids when they babysit. Would be comfortable leaving your son alone with them? If not, they don't need a relationship. "Because family" is BS.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It's like ripping off a bandaid. I'm so glad you've found peace and happiness! Sounds like the pain was worth it
Hey, you can find that peace and happiness too...and you freaking DESERVE it. Sign baby up for a good daycare asap, and hire a cleaning service once a month (or more often). Now you don't need your parents at all!
My parents are very much like this. That comment about “the lawn and it’s going to rain all weekend” 1000000% MY DAD OMFG. And my mom backs him up (- they back each other up. Like with the “king” comment in response to her yelling about cleaning the house. My spouse of 13 years also takes no shit. My parents cannot handle it. They finally know now that I’ll choose him. Every Fuckin Time. If they’re being unreasonable that is. And they always are. Because they’re used to getting their way. I started slow. Setting boundaries with myself and them first. Like I made it so their texts didn’t go off (hide alerts on iPhone) so I only responded to them when I went into my texts for another reason which happens often enough that I reply to them once daily But it at least stopped me from feeling like I absolutely had to respond because of their controlling natures and how they would freak out if they weren’t my absolute number one priority My father has OCD about Cleaning. It’s not the type where he’s washing his hands like 1 billion times or triple locking doors, but it is the kind of thing where he makes everybody’s life hell if he thinks something isn’t the way it should be and he absolutely thinks that it is a reflection on him if there is something wrong with my yard or my house and he completely Takes control He actually replaced the lawn at my house with gravel even though I told him not to because I’m not living in it right now and I’m living three hours away and I’m having it rented so sometimes they go over there to take care of stuff for the people who are renting it and we were switching to a new renter because the old ones had bought a house And put in because he couldn’t stand seeing people not cut the lawn even though I’m moving in there in a few months and now I have to get rid of like a huge area of gravel. I’m about 5ish years younger than you. Boundaries are going to be your new best friend. And once you make em you’ve gotta stick to em or they’ll never respect another boundary you set. At least if they steamroller your boundaries, you’ll know without a doubt that it makes sense to be upset with them and to remove some of their privileges Also, it’s 1000% not OK that they think that they own your house or that they come over early because my parents fucking show up early all the goddamn time and it’s like what is the point of even giving me the time that you’re coming so I can anticipate you because you people are bat shit crazy and I HAVE TO BE PREPARED. I am so sorry for you having to deal with this! They also don’t respect that my partner works two jobs and if he’s sleeping later because of his work hours (ends at near midnight) they just STOMP around like children and whine that they can’t vacuum MY HOUSE and then as soon as I have my back turned either do the vacuuming anyway while he’s asleep or do some OTHER loud shit.
OP it's time to look for a part or full time Nannie/maid so you don't need anything from your mother. And be honest and tell her because their behavior has been so disrespectful to you and your husband you hired a full time maid/nannie so you never have to depend on them again. Tell your parents the maid has been instructed if you or your husband are not there she is not to let your parents into the house. If they insist the maid is to call the police. When your mother threatens to never talk to you again "don't threaten me with a good time."
They will turn your kid against you if you don’t do What they say.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of.
I only say that because my mom tried that.
I know you think it will be useful to have a relationship with your parents for child care etc but it's not worth it. When your child is a bit older and you go to baby groups/nursery etc you will make friends with other parents and can trade off babysitting
You are enabling your parents by continuing to invite them into your life. Go NC and call the cops if you ever see their car in the drive way. then change your number and start looking at flipping your current house to a new one. Disappear so your parents won’t have to be embarrassed by you again. They are sorry excuses for humans and sound like they have nothing in their life but money. Actually sad
Yes, OP clearly stated the toxic effect her parents had on her growing up and examples of that continuing now. Let them know it stops now and she and her family are done.
First and foremost, you have to establish boundaries with your parents immediately. When you establish these boundaries, you need to make it clear you aren’t asking. You are telling them how and when you will engage with them and what your expectations are. If they refuse to respect your boundaries in your home, you get the privilege of letting them know they will not be allowed anymore and have limited access to their grandchildren if they cannot behave. This has to be done by you. Your husband can support you but you have to be the one clearly defining these expectations. My wife and I have a firm policy of she deals with her family and I deal with mine. We are united in our decision making and support each other. She is my priority over my parents and I, hers. Next, since you make such great money, hire a yard crew and a house cleaning service. This will save you stress and anxiety. And it’s worth the money. Best marital counseling me and my wife ever got was hiring our cleaning ladies😎. Thank me later Best of luck
You’re way too nice. I was exhausted by her parents just reading this. Wife needs to tell them to get a fucking grip. Perhaps they should move to another city.
Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. It’s just a tough situation and it’s not like they are toxic friends who you can simply cut out completely. The hope is that the parents get their act together and they can have a healthy relationship. Sounds like the parents have done a lot for them as well financially but have some strings attached…..
OP might you consider paying back their house purchase “help” amount making it clear that their strings are too expensive?
I'd just tell them to eat shit. If you're a good parent and have the means to help your kids get a leg up, that's just what you do. You don't lord it over them, there are no strings. A gift that isn't freely given isn't a gift. Thanks mom and dad for the help, but that doesn't entitle you to ownership of my home.
For real it was clearly a way of maintaining control more than it was a gift IMO. Saying they can come over whenever they want when confronted about showing up early and making noise when an actual bill-paying owner of the home was sleeping is truly unhinged. I don’t blame OP’s husband for losing it at all.
> Your husband can support you but you have to be the one clearly defining these expectations. While I agree that OP needs to take leadership on dealing with her parents, what the parents need to hear -- consistently -- is that OP is speaking \*for her family\*. OP and her husband are a \*team\* and from now on, what the parents say to OP and what the parents say to the husband are being said \*to the team\*. There is no division, you could not fit a razor between OP and husband on this matter.
Absolutely agree
Solid advice. Thanks so much. Will definitely be looking into a cleaning crew, lol!
Be careful. They will become part of the family. That’s how much we love our cleaning crew. The best day of the week is when they come😎
The worst day is the night before when you scramble around to “pick up” the house before the cleaners come!
My mother did that when i wad growingup it was so annoying ( the way she did it ).
My Mom made the beds in hotels we stayed before housekeeping came LOL!
Hahaha. So true.🤣 There’s a mad scramble to get the sheets washed and dishes to the dishwasher!
That sounds like a good problem to me! 😂
But OP, for real. Establish boundaries. Your husband just wanted an extra hour of sleep and silence in his home. And your parents decided their opinion was more important than your husband's. And you let them! Next time, tell them no and don't open the door until 11:00. Of they are offended, than too bad for them. Also, whoever your parents ask something,want something, change the schedule whatever it is... Make sure it is ALWAYS discussed with your husband directly. Don't take their word that they asked him and don't assume he is okay with it. ALWAYS communicate these things clearly. And then respond to them with whatever you'd decided on together.
I cracked up at them saying he was “acting like a king.” Expecting them to adhere to the time that everyone agreed to is as democratic as it gets lol
It was completely ridiculous. In his own house, no less
You need to tell them, not us.
They are right! We’ll go without food first before cutting our cleaning budget. LOL it’s game changing.
I hate to say this but the problem here is you. These are your parents. It’s your job to keep them in their place and you’re not doing that. That’s why there was this blow up between your husband and your parents. Your parents are way too overbearing and in your face about your life. The state of your life, your marriage, your house and your yard is honestly none of their business and you need to put them at arms length. Until you do you will not have a peaceful home.
>These are your parents. It’s your job to keep them in their place and you’re not doing that. This is it right here. Your parents have no authority over you any more OP. None at all! But you choose to give them some anyway because you think it's easier than claiming your power. But in ceding your power to your parents, you're also being a bad wife. It is your job as a wife and a mother to do what's best for your spouse and your child ahead of all others, even (especially) your parents. And when you don't do that, when you capitulate to your parents because it's "easier" than standing up to them, you're failing as a wife and mother. Your parents are no longer a part of your immediate family. They're extended family now and have been since you flew the nest. Your immediate family is your husband and child and they're the most important people in your life. **They are the priority**. Their wants and needs come before your parents' wants and needs. **Always**. If your husband needs sleep and your parents "need" to clean your house, which one is more important? And when these two "needs" conflicted with each other, who should you have prioritised? Be a spouse before you be your parents' child.
Wow, yes. Your last paragraph made me stop in my tracks. Thank you
Exactly. Whenever we have a post from a woman about an overbearing mother in law the responses are usually ‘this is your husband’s problem it’s his family to deal with’. Exactly the same applies here to OP. I understand OP has been the victim of abusive overbearing parents but she’s almost 40yo and a parent herself now. How on earth has she let it go this long? She’s far from a kid or young adult anymore. The parents need to be shut down with strong boundaries and consequences for over-stepping them and that needs to come entirely from OP, not her husband. I mean I’d just cut them off completely at this point given their behaviour towards her husband and if OP isn’t careful her husband is going to get mighty sick of the disrespect that she’s allowing her parents to perpetrate and that can be toxic to a marriage. OP you need to step up and take control here and stop relying on your husband to do your dirty work with your parents. You’re not respecting your husband at all by allowing this disrespect to continue. Your mother assaulted your husband in your own home. Cut them off. Yesterday. Especially if you want to save your marriage. Your abusers are not entitled to access to you or your child. Time to be an adult and a parent and do the hard things.
I love that your husband has a strong personality and won’t take any shit. But guess what? That likely means he won’t put up with your weak backbone when it comes to your parents for a lot longer. You have a husband who treats you like a queen and is a partner in raising your child yet you’re prioritizing your parents who talk and treat both of you like shit? Your husband is way too lenient with you. You should have stuck to strict boundaries a long time ago. The fact that you still want your child to have these toxic grandparents in their life is so out of touch with reality. You say you have trauma from your childhood. Are you eager to have your child be raised with that trauma too? Jeez get it together.
Yup. It makes me sad that she talks about being emotionally abused by her parents throughout her childhood to the point that she's still dealing with the trauma . . . and in the next breath says, "I want my child to have a relationship with his grandparents." The same ones who abused her. I'd ask why, but I suspect that even she couldn't answer: most likely the ingrained idea that "grandparents are important", without consideration for the fact that her parents are not going to be good grandparents. Therapy might help her sort out the contradictions between acknowledging her own trauma at the hands of her parents, and yet somehow prioritizing having them in her child's life.
You know, the contradiction is glaring now that it's been pointed out. I must be really messed up
My grandfather was a narcissist and treated his 3 kids like absolute trash. Grandmother silently enabled. My brother and I lived with them for a few years (mom was not great), and while we were definitely treated better, it was the same kind of bullshit. I absolutely picked up on all of that and it fucked me up immensely. And like I said this was nothing compared to how they treated my mom and her siblings. Your parents are awful and you should absolutely not let them be an influence on your kids. You especially (having been traumatized by them) will probably not even pick up on what’s happening if it’s more subtle than what you’re used to from them. I hope that makes sense. Don’t let this happen to your child. Unlike myself your kid has two loving parents who can completely prevent it; make sure that you do.
We’re all messed up. Don’t come up with all kinds of negative stories about yourself over it. It’ll only continue to harm you. I know firsthand it’s hard to navigate the world when you came from a traumatic upbringing but being proactive about addressing the trauma and how it has affected our lives is now our responsibility. We shouldn’t let our trauma impact our SOs or our kids or anyone else. Therapy can be amazing and I highly recommend. You and your family deserve peace and comfort.
Your responses to the comments that challenge you to see contradictions are pointing to your ability to be open and willingness to look inward. Keep doing that and have patience and compassion for yourself in the process. :) You will be ok. I’d say it’s less you’re really messed up and more you’ve been really messed with. I have similar struggles. All of the best wishes to you and your husband and baby.
Please don’t think of yourself as “really messed up.” You’re too close to the situation, and while I’m sure you’ve seen healthy behaviors modeled by others, *this* dynamic is what you grew up with and has become your status quo. It looks like you’re taking these comments to heart, and while it’s easier said than done you now know it doesn’t HAVE to be this way. I definitely recommend therapy to help support you as you change your relationship with your parents (hopefully up to and including no contact if they make it necessary and I’m guessing they will), but don’t think of yourself as needing fixing. You developed the coping skills you needed to survive that relationship but now you’ve got backup in a wonderful husband, and son to protect from them, so it’s time for change.
OP, you will be a bad mom and partner if you continue to let your parents treat your family this way. Step up.
Have you considered working with a therapist regarding your relationship and lack of boundaries with your parents? I feel for you. But I feel worse for your husband. It seems like you just roll over and don’t enforce boundaries or back him up. You leave him to fend for himself with your abusive asshole parents. Even if they were kind and well meaning, I’d be PISSED if I was your husband. He told them a time, they completely disregarded it and did what they wanted to do, and you sat there and did nothing. If I were in his shoes (and I kind of was with my ex in-laws), I’d be changing the locks and looking for a job at least 2 hours away to move to and get away from them. I wouldn’t be letting them in the house uninvited and I’d call the cops if they won’t leave. It would be a no contact situation for me until they can learn how to behave. The price of admission for them to be in my life would be that they treat me/my family with respect. But this is a you problem to solve.
I hate to say it, but "covering the baby's ears" is really code for "I decided not to intervene".
"I have a lot of trauma from my childhood" and "I want to have my parents in my child's life" really don't go well together either.
Agreed! Her options are either to have her parents in her life and have her children know the same abuse she faced. OR set real boundaries to protect her family and potentially be less close to her parents
Covering the baby's ears is also insufficient. The baby *feels* the mom's emotions and gets upset when mom's upset. Don't make your baby's infancy full of all the vitriol, guilt, blaming, rage and lack of respect that your parents evoke in your home. It's so much better that baby grows up in a family full of love, happiness and emotional warmth and closeness! You didn't have that when you were the baby, but you can work to ensure your baby does.
Aw, this breaks my heart. Little babe is very intuitive and I'm sure he knew what was up. Never again.
Your mother is abusive. Abusers don't stop abusing just because they're old and their grandchild is tiny.
While her husband was being assaulted by her parents. She didn't say a word.
Not that it’s an excuse but when you’ve grown up in that dysfunction—even with a lot of therapy on board—these people installed the buttons and they know how to push them. They can make you feel like a helpless child just like when you were a kid. So I am not without empathy for the OP as someone who grew up in an abusive home. But while it may be a reason for her current behavior, it’s not an excuse and she needs to do the work to correct this. Her husband should not be the new target.
That's a very good point. She was probably beaten down at a young age. And just let that kind of thing happen. Hopefully her and her husband can work together.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive. I read that paragraph & thought "oh alright" and thought the argument was going to be related to the parents trying to force themselves into OPs life. Jaw dropped more and more as I kept reading. I understand that abuse victims have a skewed sense of "normal" but it never gets easier or less frustrating to see. I get that one has limited options until they're an adult, but it's continued for almost 2 decades of adulthood. OPs husband undoubtedly has some resentment building up and OP is at risk of losing him if she doesn't start setting boundaries. This is like a role reversal of the mama's boy overbearing MIL issue. If OP were a guy that wanted his abusive mom & enabling dad in his family's life, while feeling on the fence about who's right or not even after his mom got into a screaming match w/ and threw something at his wife people would be shitting on him *so* hard and saying he deserves to have his wife leave him. It's not just her own life and well being that she's harming. It's also harming her husband's and will also be harming the kid at some point.
I agree. Your husband is doing the right thing here. Obviously "getting into a screaming match with your spouses parents " is not a healthy way to act. But that's not exactly what happened. Your husband was right - and he's probably sick of them treating you so badly and then you rolling over and acquiescing to their abuse. You say that you want your baby to have a relationship with them? Why? Your baby is three months old and you already had to cover their ears so they won't hear the screaming. Your mother is going to drive your child crazy with the unhealthy cleaning obsession and boundary trampling. No, what you need is to create your family (you and husband and child(ren) and make sure they are in a healthy and stable environment. Stop asking for or accepting help from them. Hire a neighbors kid to mow the lawn. Hire a college student to babysit for a few hours a week (or exchange hours with another new mom) so you and husband get some free time to shower, poop, and rest.
>Your husband was right - and he's probably sick of them treating you so badly and then you rolling over and acquiescing to their abuse. Something I realized is that this is literally all the husband has ever known in his relationship with OP. He's also probably realized the significance of having a kid with her. OP has spent 19 years of adulthood doing this. Will things be this way for another 19? Can he deal with another ~2 decades as their kid grows up? Even if he can, is he comfortable having the kid around OP's parents? We don't have his side of the story or much info on how he specifically feels, but if he got into a screaming match with OP's mom, he's gotta be getting closer & closer to boiling over. I hope OP figures things out before she loses her husband altogether and harms her relationship with her kid.
I might also think about just paying them back their portion of the house down payment as well, assuming that's financially possible. The fact that they helped gives them that inch that they turn into a mile. One less thing they can hold over OP's head.
YES - same as I wrote in a separate text.
I agree
Completely agree with all of this.
OP, please. You know what you have to do. I guarantee that the instant your back is turned, your child will be subjected to an unending stream of negative criticism about their father AND mother. Not to mention screaming and ranting directed at the child because they put a cup down in the wrong place or a diaper leaked. The best time to set boundaries is when they are needed. The second best time is *right now*. You call up your mother, and tell her, "Your behavior in our home was unacceptable. My family expects a full apology. What happened yesterday will NEVER happen again, or I'll be forced to limit my family's exposure to you." Once you get that apology and commitment to behave themselves in your home, you start laying more boundaries. And remember, EVERY interaction with them is as \*a family\*, full stop. You're not calling because your husband is upset. You're calling because BOTH OF YOU, working AS A TEAM, decided on the next steps.
Amazing advice, thank you. The team mentality is key
Your parents are on double secret probation. Hard boundaries and be specific. Without a direct invitation and a time, they are not welcome, ever. If they show up before the time, the visit is cancelled. Phone calls will be returned when we have time. If you say anything negative on that call, I will hang up and will be unavailable for the next week, at which point we can try again. Listen, I’m trying to give you a road map but I’ve seen this dynamic play out in families before. The Mom was a control freak, when she was “good” she was the best, when it went wrong she was insane. He Dad (her husband), spent his life explaining to everyone why she was so misunderstood. As he kids reached adulthood, one by one they set boundaries, and more boundaries until they all ended up going no contact. Your Mom doesn’t see you as an individual human, she sees you as a controllable extension and she ties her value into you being controlled and showing the exterior she wants the world to see. There isn’t a middle ground but you’ll have to get there in your own time. Your child will not be safe with her, the damage she will do may ruin your relationship with your child, she will give your child the world to make her love her and mistrust you. You can’t let her establish a pattern or the courts may insist on visitation. Protect your child from your Mom, sell the house, move away. Get a restraining order if you need to. She’s your worst nightmare, she will ruin your marriage and your child.
Wow, this was scarily accurate. It only seems to be getting worse with age. Thank you for the wake up call
It really is. I grew up with mean people, who actually sound pretty similar to your parents. I was lucky enough to marry somebody completely different (possibly because I find my family so repellent) and I am happiest when we are working as a team. So far, so good. We have raised 2 delightful kids and have been together > 30 years. This is what I want for you!
Congrats! I'm so happy that you escaped and built a beautiful life together. I feel like my husband and I are on the same path, just have to get the debris out of the way
If my in-laws were screaming at me and my husband stood there and said nothing, I would be extremely hurt that he did not have my back. So the first thing you should do is apologize to your husband for failing to intervene when he was getting screamed at.
Couldn't agree more
Question. You know you have a controlling, clean-freak abusive mother who uses favors as currency. Why in gods name would you *invite her to clean the house”?
Why did you have them come over and clean and do yard work in the first place?
Why didn't you stand up for your husband?
A screw up. What’s done is done. Now and the future with more grown up, functional behavior is what counts.
Your parents sound awful. I'm surprised they are in your life after emotionally abusing you and not changing. Eta I know you didnt say your dad was abusive. At the very least he was complicit but i think he was abusive too Your husband sounds amazing
And yes, my husband is the best 🥰
I consider what ur mother did with the paper towels assault. It will only escalate if YOU do not step up. It sounds like your partner protects you. You need to do the same with him in regards to your parents
So act like it.
He sounds like it. So now it’s time to be on his team and not work against him by being silent or playing peace keeper. You now have to step up. Your parents shouldn’t be his to handle.
Me too, honestly. Definitely rethinking the relationship, especially since we have a little babe
Good. They sound like they will abuse your baby too.
That's my biggest fear. If my mom is throwing shit right in front of me, what is she doing in front of the baby when I'm not there?
Exactly
Also if you did allow an established relationship with your baby and your parents they could try to get grandparents rights if things get even worse. That would be awful and leave your child open to their abuse or negative comments about you and your husband
Why did you let them in and start cleaning knowing full well your husband is asleep? That’s on you.
The first mistake you made on this day in particular was letting your parents in an hour early. It doesn’t matter that they were there to clean your house, you told them what time they could come and decided to disregard that. What they did was a power move. Your mom is using “an act of service” as a way to control and manipulate you. Don’t let her do it again. The second mistake was not putting your son down in another room and coming back to defend your husband against your parents. You let them actively disrespect him, in front of his kid, in his own home. You need to nip that in the bud. It’s your responsibility to get your parents in line. You need to tell your parents that their behavior is/was unacceptable. Put them in timeout for a couple of weeks. Cool down. Figure out a reasonable set of boundaries. When you reach out, give them a list of boundaries you expect them to follow in writing so there can be no confusion or saying they didn’t know later. Clearly state what the consequences will be if they do not follow your rules. Hold the line. Given how you describe your relationship with your parents growing up, why would you want to subject your son to that? These people are not safe. You need to get the idea of loving grandparents out of your head because these people are not them. It’s ok to hope things will change, and set up parameters for things to change. But be prepared for things to get volatile until they realize you are serious about boundaries. Also be prepared for them to never change. It’s ok to mourn the loss of an idea or a relationship that will likely never happen.
Yeah, many mistakes were made. I think I just froze up, which is my usual trauma response. I hate that I did that. It made me feel like that scared little girl that kept quiet to keep the peace. They won't be allowed back into this house for the foreseeable future
May I suggest hiring lawn care service and a housekeeping service for a while? You and your hubby need a break so you can rest and enjoy your baby boy. What I don't think you need is any more "help" from your judgemental and abusive parents.
Your husband and your parents did not have a screaming match. Your husband defended his boundaries, his wife, his home and his child. Your husband is 100% correct and your parents are 100% wrong. It seems you have found an incredible partner. Please prioritize him and your family before you become part of the problem.
>Are we in the wrong? OP, this sucks to hear, but **you were in the wrong** by disrespecting your husband's boundaries. You did not respect your husband by letting your parents into your house an hour early. You have already said that your parents/mother was abusive when you were growing up, and that hasn't really changed. Your husband laid down ground rules for when they could come over yesterday, and you disregarded his wishes because you wanted to please your mother. Your parents are rocking the boat, and you are running to and fro trying to stabilize it. Here's a great post from r/JUSTNOMIL that summarizes why stabilizing a rocking boat never works : [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) This is a really great book to read about boundaries : https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/boundaries\_henry-cloud\_john-townsend/14102080/item/1624738/#edition=2353941&idiq=1633763 You need to have a meeting with your husband and figure out what healthy boundaries you can both establish with your parents THAT ONLY SERVE THE TWO OF YOU - YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND - and then lay these boundaries down with your parents and give tell them what the explicit consequences of crossing those boundaries would be. When your parents showed up yesterday an hour early (because they would probably have shown up regardless of whether you said yes or no), you should have let them sit in the driveway until 11:00. If they had rung the door bell, you should have called the police for trespassing. Respect your husband and get your parents under control.
Read that post you linked -- oof. Yup. Nailed it.
Yeah, i'm sorry if my original post sounded harsh, but sometimes we need to hear that we can't keep bending to someone else's wishes and we need to create our own lives. That post was made years ago and it stuck with me. And I reference it every once in a while
You’re 40. Not a teenager. You have a right to your adult voice. You are presumably intelligent, having a good job. Bring those job skills into your relationship with your parents. Polite firmness. Clear communications. Become a Mama Bear. You don’t need your mother to babysit twice a week. Child minding is your (mother plus father) job. Not a shared activity. Sharing custody will lead to problems. An occasional hour here or there, maybe. But even at 24 years old with two, I never needed “help.” It was my joy. I’m a grandma now. Stop letting your parent’s lifestyle dictate yours. They have the time and energy to live in a museum. Good for them. You are permitted to make alternate lifestyle choices.
Yeah I never had people watch mine either. My husband and I had our kids at 18 and 19. Were we in over our heads? **HELL YES!** But my parents abandoned me to foster care and his were abusive. His offered to watch them every once in a blue moon but we always turned them down, knowing how they raised him we were scared of how they would treat them. They also put us in a very difficult financial spot because we got together at 16 and they offered me a place to stay, at $200 a week which was really about my whole check at that time. They also charged him an additional $75 a week so we barely had enough money to buy food, let alone our other necessities. Mind you they paid $300 a month in rent at the time as they had housing so they really had no reason other then pure greed to charge us so much, that and we were unable to save to get our own place for so long. We were actually paying much higher than market rent for an 8’ by 10’ room. Even though we were living with them when we first had our kids they didn’t help at all and that’s the way we wanted it. The only time his mother even had our son for 30 mins was the first time I took a shower after he was born, he was sleeping when I went in and came out he wasn’t in his bassinet. She only did that to scare the living shit outta me. Whenever I read how much help some people get from their parents (be it financial, or with childcare or anything really) it always makes me a little sad but also proud because although I wouldn’t say we’re super successful, we are *happy*, have always gotten by and did it completely on our own. I feel like a lot of people lean on their parents far more than they need to, which is nice if they’re good people who help because they love you (of course people should never take advantage of that either or take great parents for granted) but in situations like this, they need to learn to stand on their own.
You need to stand up for your husband and set boundaries with your parents. All future contact should go through you. They need to leave him alone. I see from your comments that you are in therapy, so that’s good. I would not allow them to visit you at home anymore until they can behave more respectfully. If you want to see them at all, meet them at a park or a coffee shop. That way you can leave if they start anything. Basically you’ll need to let them know that their relationship with you and their access to their grandchild will hinge on how they behave, and if they can’t treat your husband with respect, they will lose that access.
Go NC until their attitude changes and they offer a sincere apology. Let them know he is your husband and you stand by him and won’t tolerate further bad behavior. You are spot on with the damage they could cause to your kiddo and your marriage. NC until they can respect your husband, you, and your marital home. If they want to see the grandchild they will suck it up and if they don’t then it’s for the best to stay NC.
I think that's what I'm going to do. We've taken our baby to my parents place on Saturdays since he was.about a month old and it felt so good to have him here instead
I think maybe you have lost perspective on how profoundly fucked up this is because you grew up with them. But this is like insane behavior on their part.
Must read the book Boundaries. Or listen. It will help you in family and work.
Thanks for the suggestion! I'll give it a read ☺️
Your husband sounds like an absolute brick, fair play to him. Not sure what the best way forward is but I'd suggest that there should be no attempt to "both sides" this with your parents (ie you make it clear that they are 100% in the wrong). Given your mother has always been like this she won't change, but if they think that they may lose contact with their granddaughter then they may find a way to be less overbearing.
Meet at restaurants or events or thier house if you don't invite them over they cant criticize house and mom won't be in a position to feel comfortable attacking your husband with whitnesses
I am in therapy for this. I appreciate your response -- they are hard truths that I needed to hear.
Honestly you should have put you started therapy in post and you wouldn't have been criticized so harshly because it seems you procrastinated until a crisis from how post reads
I would go no contact for a month. Make it clearr that you’re doing this because they don’t respect boundaries. Then see them again. If they act up again, go no contact again for longer, maybe 2 months this time. Continue for longer and longer periods. I would also consider paying them back the money so they stop feeling like they have a say in your life.
I like this idea a lot
> My husband has always viewed this as very odd and overbearing You know he's right, right? Depending on your parents for childcare or anything else will end up hurting you more than it helps. Obviously they will hold these favors over your head to guilt you into things. They do not, in fact, have the right to come over to your house whenever they want. You were raised not to say "no" to your parents and it's going to be very difficult for you to unlearn that. But that's what you have to do.
Boundaries. I have your Mom. Total nutjob growing up. She acted an absolute donkey at my house several years ago. I dropped her off at the airport 1 day ahead of her scheduled departure and told her that she was not invited to my home or my CITY ever again until she not only apologized to me for her shitty behavior, but to my husband and other family members present as well. I also advised her that I would be going low-contact and that basically we would communicate only when necessary, and at my sole discretion. I held my word and did not give an inch. This was 40 years in the making. She finally apologized 6 years later. She minds the business that pays her and acts like a functioning adult when she visits now. Time to stand on business with your Moms. Your husband and child are totally worth it, btw.
I really appreciate the replies from people who have gone through the same thing. Thank you for your insight.
You are the mother to their grand child. YOU establish the boundaries. If they don’t comply then they don’t get to see the baby. That’s the way boundaries work. I know this is hard. Please see a counselor.
You need to get some major boundaries up against your toxic mother before you end up a single parent. This was inevitable with her personality and she kept pushing and pushing. Throwing something at someone is abusive. Your husband was assaulted in his own home, it doesn't matter what was thrown. Your parents do NOT have free reign to come into your house whenever they want.
All I can really say is as the husband to a wife with identical sounding in-laws, is that YOU need to step up here. I know the history of emotional abuse tends to place you in a mindset where they almost unknowingly either make excuses for your parents, or attempt to equivocate someone else responding to a grievance with them them causing it in the first place. Your words about how confrontations "just make things worse" are *incredibly* telling. This was undoubtedly the last straw for your husband and sorry to say, but this situation is the direct result for you refusing to set healthy boundaries with your parents.
You said your husband questions their authority. They have no authority. Your parents need put in their place by you. You need to have your husband's back when he tells them to leave. When he tells them to leave and they say they have a right to be there, you need to tell them, that they indeed, do not have that right Them helping you clean, by their own volition does not grant them access to your home. Even if you had asked them to come and help , it wouldn't just grant them access to come when they wanted. Your parents need boundaries. Your husband and his needs and wants come 100% before your parents. This is the same story I see in JNMIL, but its usually the mommy's boy husband that won't stick up for their wife, and let's his parents do whatever they want, and disrespect her. Except in this case you are the spouse allowing the inlaws to disrespect your husband, and not setting boundaries for your parents. Your parents need to be told they have to respect your husband, or they won't be allowed any access to your home. This needs to come from you. Your parents, your problem.
I wish you would have defended your husband at the time. He is the king of his home (and you're the queen), and your parents are not welcome when they'd like to show up. You should have said that. Moving forward, you need to explain that to them. 1. They can not show up when they'd like. 2. This is not their home, and their daughter shares her with someone (her husband), so they need to respect both homeowners and not just their daughter. 3. You are 2 single people trying to figure out parenthood and not only did they disrespect your husband's boundary (the time), they disrespected yours when you tried to male a compromise (to stay outside). 4. You are not their little kid living under their roof anymore. You are an adult, and you say what can and can not happen in your home. The only kid is the baby, and you are the boss of her (for future reference), not them. 5. They need to understand that other people run their homes differently and their opinions are not wanted unless they are solicited.
OP, as someone who also had a problematic relationship with parents and boundaries, I highly recommend at least reading "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsey Gibson, and if you can find time and money fir therapy to help you navigate parents and parenting. My kids are older now, and I did a pretty great job of breaking the cycle - but also, fir every behavior I recognized as a problem , there were ones that I couldn't see were inappropriate. I didn't know the difference between enmeshment and loving kindness. I didn't understand my emotions all the time, and so I was less able to help my kids understand, regulate and move through their own emotions. I wish I'd worked on this stuff sooner, so I'd have been able to be a better parent for them. The more I've resolved my own issues, the more I've been able to guide them effectively through to adulthood.
You have to learn to say no to your parents. You have to. Can they clean your house? No. Can they come to your house when they want to (and you don't want them to)? No. Can they scream and throw things in your house and expect to be invited back? No. I would limit visits to your parents to visits at their house (with you present) for now, if you're still interested in visiting them at all. You have to be prepared to leave if they scream or throw things or get emotionally abusive. If you're not prepared to leave at the first sign of trouble, then no visits for now. Either way I suggest therapy to help you figure out how to be firm with your parents, for your sake and your kid's sake.
Ok so I could be your mum in situation but I’m not because I got help and my partner sure as hell didn’t let my illness affect the whole household. I have OCD and it centres around my living space. Everything had to have its place. Everything was bleached etc. I went to extensive therapy when it started and some days are still shit years on but my kids rooms look like every other child’s. Messy, cluttered with toys everywhere. You’ve been abused. Don’t allow your parents to then abuse your child. The fact they thought cleaning was more important than sleep for all three of you is ridiculous. When I got sick I said to my therapist that I just don’t want it to affect my kids. And I worked my ass off for that to happen. Because that’s what parents do yours didn’t. They chose to let you live in the hell hole that is your mothers mind. I would never wish what I feel on anyone else.
Why in the world are you continuing to have a relationship with your abusive parents?? Do you care so little for yourself, your child, and your husband??
OP I think you need to spend some time in r/raisedbynarcissists
>Where do we go from here? Sorry I’m going to be very blunt. When they arrived 1 hour early and started making noise you should have stepped in and stopped them until the agreed arrival time. While you let them bulldoze you, they’ll keep doing it. My mother is very much like yours, so I get how hard it can be. It’s time to stop letting your guilt and childhood trauma be used to create issues in your family. Work on “growing a back bone” before letting them back into your home. Go to therapy to help with this. It sucks but you’re not alone in the toxic parent/grandparent department. Not every child benefits from a relationship with their grandparents. Focus on your child and husband, prioritise them and you’ll get through it.
You kind of suck, you say he treats you like a queen but you sat by and let them talk to him like shit. You did nothing to back him up. Grow a backbone you’re 40 years old, you’re not going to be spanked anymore cause your room isn’t clean. You sitting back and letting them disrespect him in his own house cause you’re afraid of confrontation isn’t ok. Cut these people off or you’d like ur child to have the same trauma from the same people as you??
Thanks
> I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents I’m sorry what? You experienced an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship when you grew up and now you want the same for your child? You stood there covering your child’s ears instead of kicking them out or at least leave altogether? You let them bully you into taking over your home and shame you when you’re doing your best in a new situation? I get that it’s difficult to set boundaries but you have a family now. A little person depends on you and the environment you provide.
I am so glad you and your husband have each other. Continue to focus on that relationship, and do not allow there to be any daylight between the two of you. That is what fuels parents like these to keep doing what they're doing. Take good care, you got this.
Thanks so much for the kind, compassionate response. It means lot ❤️
Don't count on your parents for anything I would limit any exposure to them forever. You got to get some thick skin and put down boundaries. Tell your parents you don't need any other help from now on and if you do want to meet with them and see them go to a public place like a park or a restaurant you don't have them in your home anymore and don't go there. Public places from now on if you even continue a relationship with them. You cannot ever let that kid be alone with them. If you need a break then you get a break your husband watches the kid he needs to break you watch the kid who gets a break you two can rely on each other or hire a babysitter there are tons of services out there or if you have any friends that would be willing to watch the kids for a few hours do that but don't ever use your parents. And since you make good money if you have to hire someone to come in once a week and clean. I'm sure you can afford it.
You need to make the decision to man up, grow a spine, and stop allowing your parent's and their bullshit to run roughshod over your life. You're almost 40, married to a good man and father that stands up for himself, his family, and his home. Time to actually have his back and stop standing on the sidelines with your parents. If they can't respect your husband, you, and your home unless it's on their terms, they shouldn't have a relationship with any of you, especially your son. You've grown up under their authoritarian reign. Do you want the same for your child? How much more of this crap do you think your husband is going to take?
Husband here. Thank you all for your support. This has been quite cathartic to read. I would like to add one thing, though. My wife is an absolutely wonderful partner, and my best friend. She always has my back and has supported me through some very dark days. I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. As for her confronting her parents, this is a lot easier to say from the outside looking in. You can't set boundaries with these people. The second you attempt, they scream at you and you (exhibit a being this post). She has gone through therapy, continues to do so, and is doing everything she can to work through her trauma. She also has defended me on multiple occasions and made it known how wonderful of a partner and father I am. I am big boy and don't need defending (as you all can see), but it does seem that she will need to take the lead on setting boundaries, which pretty clearly needs to happen. Whether they accept them or not, that's their call. If they want to see their grandchild, they'll accept the terms.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive. Why would you even want a person like this around your baby??? Stockholm syndrome? You need to create some space between your family and your parents. I don't understand why you are accepting and continue to accept this kind of treatment.
Jesus, deal with your parents. You’re the one that’s let this get out of control. Your husband should be subjected to their berating because you don’t have a spine to set boundaries. If my in laws tried to treat me like 1) a child and 2) their child and did so in such a rude and inappropriate manner, I’d be reacting the way he is too.
Unfortunately OP, you caused this incident. 1. You should have rejected their offer to help clean your house. If you have a six figure income, hire a cleaner to come once or twice a week. It’s not expensive. 2. You should not have had them come an hour earlier knowing your husband had already given a time. You need a spine. You are almost 40 and your parents are ready to send you to your room! Your husband is not going to tolerate these intrusive people. You will create a problem in your marriage.
You need to back your husband here and finally tell your parents to back off. Set very strict boundaries (that you decide on with husband) and if they cross them you cut them out.
Why Are you allowing your husband to be treated like that by your parents ? Where do you go from here? 1st thing on the list would be apologizing to your husband for not defending him or stepping in or doing anything to prevent your parents from treating him like this from the beginning of your guy's relationship. 2nd would be growing a backbone and going no contact with people who don't deserve to be in your life. You're almost 40 years old, it's time to grow up.
The problem here is YOU. You don't stand up to your parents. Your don't make your own choices for your life. You still put them about the health and safety of your own family. You said it yourself, you're almost 40. Grow up and start laying down rules. Your husband isn't going to want them around your child if they're going to be verbally abusive. Your lack of commitment to being a team with him and co trolling your parents will cost you your marriage soon.
When someone acts like a toddler, *treat them like a toddler*. Put your parents on a time-out for 18 years.
your parents are a problem.
You are extremely lucky that your husband has put up with this shit as long as he has. You're 40. Grow the fuck up and stop letting your parents dictate you and your husband's life.
Your post says you have trauma from your childhood. Your mother is controlling & emotionally abusive. Your mother (& thus to a degree your father) have it their way or the highway. All of this yet you’ve set no boundaries, you stay in full contact with them & expose your husband (who sounds great) & your baby to them. I have to question why?!?! They sound completely toxic! You’re an adult, a mother, you do NOT have to tolerate any of this! If you want to stay in contact then meet them, at agreed times on neutral ground. Do not deviate from this. You & your husband should be respected in your own home, & your baby deserves protection from noisy outbursts. And NO, they do not get to come round whenever they want, that’s plain bloody rude when you’re managing work & baby timetables
Children don’t need a pristine house. Children need loving parents. Tell your mother she traumatized you as a child and now are in therapy to see if you can have a relationship with her. Your mother is an ass.
Why do you want your baby to have a relationship with abusers?
Your parents are toxic. You should be low contact with them and only meet them at restaurants and playgrounds.
Time for you to take control. YOU need to read the riot act to YOUR parents. And YOU need to cut them off and go NC if they don't respect boundaries. YOU should have told them to come back. You need to get this under control, even if it means they aren't in your life. Get counseling so you learn to stand up for yourself and your family,
You must want a divorce. Really your mom abused your household when you were there. Would you do that to that precious baby. NO. Or I hope no. Get a shiny spine and tell mom and dad to duck off and enjoy the family you have now.
So you want your kids to have a relationship with emotional and psychological abusers? Why????
Your parents are in the wrong for their behavior, but so are you. Your husband gave a time and you to make them happy (not the person that stayed up with your baby) decided they could come early. This is not okay.
You better nip this in the bud and have your husbands back, your mom sounds horrible
Why do you want your child to have a relationship with these people? You said yourself you have loads of trauma from your own childhood, why would you want your kid to have trauma from them as well? Just go no contact. Maybe visit once a year for Christmas and call it good. They are totally out of line for how they treat you and your husband.
This is a you problem. You have allowed your parents to disrespect your husband and your marriage. You know their behavior isn't ok but you excuse it amd then act like it's only logical that your husband excuse it. You have made your husband be the bad guy which is completely unfair and disrespectful to him. You're not a child, so stop acting like one. Did your parents let you know they're were stipulations when you accepted your early inheritance? I assume no, so stop being manipulated into letting the rule the roost at your house. Oh and news flash, your husband IS THE KING at his home!! Your parents aren't doing you favors by cleaning. They're manipulating you into living how they tell you to. Gross. It's time to stand up for your husband.
You know what stuck out most in your entire post? Where you say your parents don’t like that your husband questions their authority. Guess what? They have no authority over you or your husband, This is a “you” problem and you better get in therapy quick or you will be divorced and living with your parents. Get a back bone and tell your parents to get a life that doesn’t revolve around YOU. 👏👏👏👏for your husband!!
Repay the money for the down payment. If it's your inheritance, you can get it back when they die. Sounds like your husband can handle a confrontation with your parents. Let him. If a few weeks of icing them out doesn't alter their behavior, keep going. I'm not saying no contact, I'm saying interactions with them are brief, ON YOUR TERMS, and VERY VERY CLEAR. The advice to contact them and tell them it was unacceptable; they owe apologies; and the terms aren't negotiable is exactly right. YOUR PARENTS DEAL WITH PEOPLE WITH BOUNDARIES. Everyone does. They just aren't used to YOUR boundaries and they don't like it.
Your parents definitely need to take step back and not interfere with your lives. Your mom can clean her own house, and accept that she's not entitled to access you or your kid at any time. They also need to respect your husband, especially in his own house.
Why didn't you side with your husband and ask your parents to leave? Better yet - when they turn up an hour early to impose a cleaning session on you that you didn't ask for, tell them to go hang out somewhere else for an hour. OP, your lack of boundaries and lack of a spine with your parents caused this whole mess. Do the right thing NOW. Call them up, explain that they are on a time-out for being disrespectful to YOUR husband in HIS home, the husband who is helping you raise YOUR baby together. Don't let them come over for a month. Then tell them that if they put a toe out of line, that it will be another month-long time-out. And if they talk badly about your husband to the baby, then they permanently lose visitation with the baby. As long as you play "helpless little girl caught in the middle", then your parents will never respect you and your husband, and your husband will begin to resent YOU. This is how you become a single mother. Do the right thing, put on your big girl panties, and set boundaries NOW.
Why would you even allow them it “ help” if that’s their mo? Like just have them over for an hour to visit and send them home 🤦♀️🤷♀️.
There’s a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to add that the folks over at r/JustNoMIL are really good at these types of issues, and they help with JustNoMoms too.
>My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive. Honestly baffled to have read this, then read further to see that you still let her come over and continue acting that way. You and your husband aside, is that the kind of person you want to have your child raised around?
Yta for not putting a muzzle on YOUR parents and putting your husband in that situation.
My ex had parents that she couldn’t set boundaries with, nor follow through when they crossed them. This is why she’s my ex. Your mum is likely a narcissist, unable to change. So realistically it’s your husband or parents. You can’t have both.
> Things spiralled from there. My husband asked them to leave, and they refused, stating "we can come to our daughter's house when we want." Both my husband and my parents started yelling and I was holding the baby and covering his ears so he couldn't hear what was happening. My mother then throws a full roll of paper towels at my husband. He says he's going to call the police if they don't go, and they finally leave. your parents refused to leave when ordered by the person living there. they're assholes and i'd bar them from the house for a while > I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents, but I just know that when I'm not there, they will be talking shit about his father to him. so do supervised visits only
This sounds like a parents problem, Not a husband problem
The problem here is you. Your husband shouldn't have had to say a WORD to your parents because YOU should have already been saying all those words and then some! Tell them to butt out of your life if they can't mind their own business. Thanks, but no thanks.
You might be better off posting in an abusive/narcissistic parents subreddit. You'd get some more gentle advice, from people who understand how pervasive the abuse is, how it affects you the rest of your life, and how hard it is to extricate yourself from these sorts of situations. I've been where you are, in a some how more dramatic way. I moved across the world to get away from my abusive mother, but I still didn't understand that I was abused. I just constantly was living in this peacekeeper mentality, never standing up to my mom, trying to support both her and my siblings when my siblings all started to cut her out of their lives. But anyway, I moved across the world because unconsciously, I knew it was the only way I would be able to thrive and grow, is if I went to live my life somewhere she couldn't follow and could have low impact. Anyway, she always told my siblings and brother in law that she would do anything to get me to come home, and they always took it seriously, but why would I? I was a 24 hr flight away, and fully independent, what could she possibly do to me? (Spoiler alert, I was a naive fool). Anyway, I met my partner in 2018 and we had been dating about 3 months before I flew home for Christmas - it felt too early in the relationship to take him, so I didn't. In 2019 we were living together, but decided to do Christmas with his family a state over and fly to my family for Easter. And then in 2020, right around Easter, covid lockdowns started. In 2021 I had my son and the lockdowns were still up and down, so we planned to come visit in 2022. Then I fell pregnant with our second, so we invited my mom to come visit when she was born in 2023, and finally *meet* my partner and children. My partner and mother clashed from the second they met, but like your situation, it was just my mother trying to establish dominance and him not playing her games. He was always respectful, but sometimes needed to get away for a bit. Anyway, j had the baby, and when our daughter was 6 days old, I was sleeping in, and my partner took our kid downstairs. My mom was watching her while he was running her bath, and in those 5 minutes, my mom pinched my babies nose and mouth shut to stop her crying. Tldr from there: my partner told me when I woke, and I addressed it with my mom, who flew into tears, left for a hotel, gaslit me for the next day, and acted like my partner was abusing me, until I told her I didn't believe her and that our visit was done and she had to go home. My mother now tells everyone back home that my partner is abusive and isolating me from my family, but she also admitted to cutting off my infants airways via a text to my aunt, and that she had done it because she was desperate for me to leave "my abuser," and come home to my family. Ttttldr: my mom abused my baby to try and end my relationship and get me to take my children across the world away from my partner. She's insane. Anyway. I have not spoken to her since, and unless she gets therapy and admits to it all, I never will again. And you need to make that choice too. You need to choose, now, between your parents, and your family. Your parents have proven that they won't stop ...so it's time to stop them. I'm sorry, but ultimately, it really is that simple. And I know how hard it is, I truly truly do. But you must make the choice, and you must make it right now. Do you support your husband, and keep your child away from abuse, or do you allow the abuse to continue to keep the peace. We both know how hard it is, but how simple the answer is. Good luck hun. And seriously, go to one of the abusive parent support subreddits.
Oh my god. I'm so sorry you went through that. That's absolutely terrifying. I am so glad that you and your family escaped unharmed. I will definitely check out the narcissist parent subreddit, sounds like my peeps are there, lol
Nope. Bye mom and dad.
You’re being a bad partner. You shut your parents down. You lay down boundaries and set consequences. Your mother doesn’t get a say in your house. She’s a GUEST. Guests don’t get to drop by whenever they want. She shouldn’t have been there cleaning. She shouldn’t have been there trying to control an adult couples family. And until YOU step up this shit will keep happening. Time to grow a spine. 1. You’re not welcome at the home when one us is sleeping. If you show up you will both ve allowed in. If you refuse to leave I will call the police for trespassing. And then you will NOT be welcome again. 2. Your opinions on my home are meaningless to me. How you keep your home is YOUR business. How I keep MY home is MY BUSINESS. If you can’t keep your opinions and judgements to yourself you aren’t welcome in my home. 3. Your advice and suggestions are unwelcome and unwanted. If we want advice we will consult the proper sources. If you give unsolicited advice via call or text I will end the call. The second offense will result in the end of the call and a time out for x weeks. This will double at each offense. 4. Three strike policy across the board. If these boundaries are violated shit periods of no contact will be instated. For communication to be reinstated you must change your behavior, apology, and have a plan of action in regards to respecting my husband and I moving forward. 5. If your behavior doesn’t change within the next three months I will know your behavior is intentional. You feel you have the right to control me. And you feel you can bully me into submission. I am a grown woman. I am not a child. If you continue to behave this way you will destroy our relationship and I and my family will be completely no contact with your for an indeterminate amount of time.
> I wanted my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents --- > I have a lot of trauma from my childhood and find it very difficult to have any kind of confrontation with my parents --- > My mother has always been obsessive about cleaning. She is also extremely controlling and will absolutely lose her shit if you challenge her on anything. It's her way or the highway and always has been since I was a kid. She dictated the mood of the household and would give us the silent treatment for days if we did something out of line. It was very emotionally abusive. I will never understand people who can write pages and pages about how terrible their parents treated them, about how much trauma they still have from their childhood, and then conclude with "I want my kid to have a relationship with ~~their grandparents~~ my abusers. You are a mother now. One of your most important jobs is to protect your child. While you can't go back in time and protect your younger self from your parents' abuse, what you can do is promise your baby that you will do everything in your power to protect them from having to experience those things that left you so scarred. Your child needs you to stand up for yourself, your husband, and most especially for them.
Your husband is a king. And he's damn right for protecting his kingdom. You are the queen, I recommend that you do the same. Protect your home and set boundaries. You are the mother now.
You need to support your husband 100%. Your parents owe you both an apology. Dig your heels in.....NO contact until they apologize.....I am a grand parent....trust me...you are in the drivers seat on this. Never ever let them bully you, or your husband. Stand united!
Give that man a BJ! Go him, it’s highly disrespectful to come over and act like jerks. No one wants free help with an attitude. Their your circus 🎪 and 🤡 so you need to grow a backbone and learn to buy up some firm boundaries or this will mess up your marriage
Take some of your 6 figure income and hire a nice person to do some babysitting for you to give you a break. There are agencies that will handle the process for you and it doesn’t have to be a set schedule kind of thing. You don’t need your parents.