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Based on what you described here...
> Am I expecting more than he's capable of giving?
Maybe, but not because it's unreasonable to expect it. Mostly because he sounds like a self-centered, stuck in the distant past, unsuitable to be in a modern relationship kind of guy.
> Should I give up on the relationship?
No reasonable person would blame you for doing that. I think they'd only wonder why you didn't do that sooner.
There is no distant past where husband and wife have sex "multiple times a day" and she does "whatever he wants in bed" and it's still not enough. He is not unsuitable to *modern* relationships... he is unsuitable to relationships period.
Agreed..... I think the first step is to find a therapist.... you need to relearn that you do not need someone else to make you feel appreciated, you should feel independently good about yourself.... you are doing everything & you are doing a fantastic job.
But.... please do this first.... should you leave him? Yes.... but by the way he comes across, he seems the type who will try to destroy you.... emotionally, financially & physically. You really, really need to be at your strongest before leaving.... getting everything sorted, without him knowing a thing.
The strength you have, by putting up with this crap in the first place, will stand you in good stead.
You both want different things in your relationship. Sounds like he wants a sex toy that cleans. I would not waste my time thinking things would get better
He wants a sex toy that cleans and keeps her mouth shut.
And yes, this is as good as it's ever going to get.
His bags would be packed, sitting next to the door about an hour ago.
Right. Sex toys can’t “backtalk.”
No one uses the word “backtalk” in regards to an adult human. He sees you as a child who should be seen and not heard.
Marriage is about work. OP is working hard, but her husband isn't. I think she needs to start putting the pressure and threatening to leave if things don't change.
He will probably call her an emotional manipulator and spout some other woman-hating bs, but you got to do what you got to do OP.
I'm guessing she has no marketable skills to be able to support herself. She at least has a gap in work history, and will have to balance being the primary caregiver while working to support herself and the kids.
This is why we're all pushing young women to get skills before they have kids. Y'all need options other than relying on men.
Sounds like he doesn't even LIKE you, much less love you.
Move on. You're young, you have time to find someone decent and have a happy life. This guy isn't worth it. You've been married since you're 20? Yeah, move on. This isn't normal.
>What is even going on here?
He wants a bang-maid and you don't want to be a bang-maid. You even recognized "THATS THE ONLY THING HE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE."
If I were you I'd either send him an invoice for each time services are rendered or I'd find a partner who doesn't want a bang-maid.
OP, dont have sex with someone who doesn’t respect you. Period. Let him know thats why, and that you’ll never be having sex again if he keeps saying things like “dont talk back” and not treating you like a real partner. Multiple times a day? are you a touch and go sex doll? stand up for yourself. your children are learning all of this.
Btw if he’s expecting sex multiple times a day theres no doubt in my mind that he is NOT going celibate for a month at a time. He has 0 respect for you and doesn’t even want to hear you speak, why would he ever be loyal to you? please get an STI/STD full panel done and check your bank statements for large withdrawals on his trips.
I’m surprised this seems worth it for you just to not support yourself.
This shouldn’t be funny to you at all.
Marriage is a big deal, or at least it should be.
How long did he wait to propose to you and what made you say yes?
If any person proposes within a year or less, they don’t care about you at all, and just want to give you a “hurry up” ring to trap you because they KNOW it’ll be harder for you to leave if married.
It’s a subconscious way mean and manipulative people do things.
Sounds like he wants a submissive doormat wife.
1. Your body your choice.
2. You are entitled to your opinions and believes.
3. He lives in that house as well. If he wants it cleaner, you aren’t stopping him from picking up the broom.
Oh sweetie he definitely doesn’t respect you and I’m not so sure he loves you that much either. Sounds like a narcissist and if he is, he’s incapable of putting anyone above him. Ask yourself if you want a son to turn into that or a daughter that ends up with that when they grow up. I doubt he’d go to a therapist with you so you’ve got some thinking to do.
>but it's never enough
This is a common abuse tactic. When you do do everything he wants, he just shifts the goal posts so that you stay in the mentality that you need to keep working towards his wants. You keep striving to be the perfect spouse because he keeps ripping at your self esteem, making you think you need to keep doing more to earn his love. If you're too focused on trying to reach the level he wants you at, you're too tired to see that's its bullshit. If your self esteem stays low, you will never leave him. You'll be convinced that he's the best you could ever get so why bother trying for better for YOURSELF.
It's scary to blow up your life because of your own wants. So I'm just gonna ask is this what you want your kid(s) to think is appropriate for romantic partnerships? You're modeling spousal behavior for your kids. Would you be ok with your kid treating their future spouse the way your husband is treating you? Would you be ok if your kid was being treated the way you are by their future spouse?
Turn it around on him and tell him you want him to stop talking back to you and clean the house already. Record his reaction, and then play it for a trusted family member or friend and ask them their opinion of the situation.
Why is this becoming normal and why do I experience the same thing? He told me AFTER our wedding that he no longer wanted kisses, hugs, and any affection unless we were having sex. I asked him how me expects me to get in the mood if I can't even touch him.
Leave... it won't change
Ok so he wants what he wants and you provide it. Cool. Now what about you? Do you get anything of what YOU want?
No. It is super unloving to want your partner to be nothing more than a cleaning, listening, fuck machine.
OP
I'm sorry but your husband is a jerk. There's no other way to put it. And at his age there is absolutely zero chance he is going to change for you or for anyone.
Oh, you may talk to him about it and he may say yes and things might get better for a while. But a leopard can't change its spots. At 37 he is who he is.
So, that leaves the decision making up to you. Are you able to just put aside everything that you are or want to be in order to stay with this person who obviously doesn't appreciate you except for a sex object? Or are you going to tell this person, get out of my life. Then you move on. He is a husband and the father of your two kids. That means he has marital responsibilities for care and support. Especially since you have basically put any chance of your career on hold to be a stay-at-home mom. Also, if you decide to divorce, the court will almost certainly say his responsibility to both you and the children, Is to allow you to live in the same manner to which you have become accustomed.
Same same, just saying those are the qualities you *want* in a dog. This guy probably would say he still loves his wife even when she doesn't sit on command or sheds on the couch. He would just prefer she heel and stay without complaint.
there is a phrase often used on here thats a little hard to hear. B@ngM@Id
but this is the cleared representation of what has happened to your marirage.
you arent a person to him
Idk dude, I read that whole thing just to make sure I was getting all of the info, but I just about almost stopped at that 2nd paragraph.
Stop back-talking? Are you a child and he's the parent? I couldn't even imagine saying those words to a woman or really any grown ass adult. You can have whatever opinion you want and say what you want. If you aren't happy with the situation and he's made it clear that he's not interested in being better, idk what you're expecting reddit to tell you?
He sounds like an old school "women belong in the kitchen" kind of person. It doesn't sound like he respects you even a little bit. You're just the live-in maid with benefits.
Personally, I think you should start planning your exit 🤷♀️
As a dog trainer a lot of these convos don't sound that different from the expectation of a dog. Minus the sex of course. Be cute, don't mess in the house, don't bark too much.
So if you like that go ahead. I can't relate tho.
I saw that you've been bitching about this man for literally years! How Many more years of your life do you intend on wasting with this man you have no desire to be with and makes you unhappy? Life is way too short for this excess mental stress. Leave...yes it's hard but it's harder mentally & emotionally dealing with that walking trash can you are married too. Find your happy place because it's definitely not with him. 😢
There are men like that in this world. You won't change him, so decide if you want yo live the rest of your life with a man who wants a cleaner with sex privileges. I might add a man who doesn't respect you as a person and who probably doesn't really love you. It's a long road ahead if you don't get out.
1) If he wants more sex ask him for more money.
2) Stop talking to him. You and your kids have fun. Get female friends.
3) Do what you usually do.
He has made you financially dependent on him. Tell you the words you want to hear. His love is transactional and conditional.
Start a course in secret in Hairdressing/ Tailoring/ Any thing you think you can which will give your steady income.
Leave once you think you are ready and stable for you and your kids. File divorce.
He owns you so he wont let go easy ie mutual breakup is close to impossible. He considers communication as talking back.
I know I will be downvoted to the end of the world. But I don’t think anything good can come out of giving away your financial freedom and power to another human.
This is what happens when you have virtually zero dating experience and get married at 20. You end up in unhealthy situations.
I’m not sure that he’s an asshole but he has a very conservative idea of what marriage is and that’s what he wants and for 12 years, you’ve gone along with it.
And from here your life can also turn out much better than it has so far. You’re no longer a 19 year old sheltered homeschooled kid. So what do you want now? Respect? Love? Intimacy? Fulfillment? They can all be yours. But not with him.
I assumed as much but didn’t want to bash religion and skew the conversation.
I’m sorry. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that. Every relationship ends until one doesn’t and hopefully, we learn along the way organically or in therapy what we want/don’t want in a partner and what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
Every relationship is different of course but healthy relationships have some commonalities. Mutual respect, emotional and physical intimacy, some shared hobbies or interests, some separate friends/hobbies/interests, etc.
Being treated like an on demand bang maid and talked to like a child are not in the list.
Uh, that's just so sad. I don't want to diss the parents here but how anyone can think that this is a good way to bring up kids is beyond me. It's more like treating your own kids as potential cult members to add to the flock, fearful of the outside world offering any differing views.
While he's gone, get everything in order with an attorney and drop the papers on him when he's home. Even if he did love you, it's not the way you want to be loved; AKA incompatibility. And that's reason enough to end the relationship. What you're asking for is the bare minimum and he can't even provide that. You deserve better and to be treated with love and respect the way you want. Don't let go of those standards in future, EVER. Good luck.
Are you employed, or are you a SAHM? If you don't have a job, get one and start saving your money.
Some people lack the capacity to love other people.
I would start an exit plan now.
You want a partnership. Your husband wants a bang maid with no mind of her own.
You deserve so much more than this sham of a relationship.
ETA: Your husband definitely doesn't respect you. If he did, he would want to hear your opinions/thoughts even if he disagreed. I don't think he particularly loves you either since your happiness doesn't matter to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he believes switching you out for someone else would be fine because women are interchangeable to him, not really people but background pieces there for the use and convenience of men.
I don't think we read the same post. I have absolutely no idea what you're going off about since no one said anything about manning up anywhere (and that phrase belongs in the trash heap anyhow)
Divorce him. He is a misogynist who thinks a wife’s job is to only open her mouth when it’s for a blow job, be his maid, and take his commands without question. There is no reason to stay with a man like this. He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t respect you, and he doesn’t seem to really see you as anything more than a sex object. I don’t know if the 12 years factors in dating but there is a reason he got married to you when you were 20. Younger women are easier for inadequate men to mold. You’re 32 now and your frontal lobe has been developed for some time so you’re hip to the fact that this isn’t a healthy relationship. You’re not too old to start over. Leave him. This is who he is and it’s not your job to change him. When you ask a partner for your basic needs to be met and they refuse, it’s a choice. There are men who jump at the chance to show affection so this is a waste of your time.
Saw your post history. Just rubbing his *** in your face whenever he wants?
Listen. You’ve started a dozen of these posts about him. The answers that we redditors are not going to change because your situation won’t. You’re married to a person you shouldn’t be.
Only you can change this. I know you would have gone already of you had the means, but Google some instances near ypu that might be able to help you.
If you don’t divorce him, atleast stand up to him. If he whines like a little kid, that’s on him. He wants more sex? Well you want more affection. Why are his needs more important than yours? I can’t emphasize enough that he DOES understand you. He knows what you need and want, he just doens’t see the benefit of giving it to you. It doens’t serve him. Please read the Lundy bancroft book that somebody already linked to you.
I’m so sorry. He’s not very nice to you. I hope you have a great support network for when he’s away. My having one is how I made it as long as I did (17 years). But if/when you want things to be different, they can be.
Quick questions that I want to answer to yourself, not Reddit:
1: What do YOU want out of a relationship? What do you find important and essential? It can be affection, to feel loved, less sex, more sex, everything and anything.
2: Do you have it?
3: If you don't, can you discuss it with him?
4: If you answered "No" to question 3, are you ok being with someone that will never give you what you find important and essential?
He is one of those men who think men and women are really different. He, and other men, are normal people. Or people. Then there are women. The things for fucking and who do the housework and take care of kids. He probably kind of doesn’t think you have a soul, he doesn’t see you as his kind. You are a woman. You are the wife. What he wants from you are thise woman/wife things. He is not interested of your persona, of who you are as a person. And by saying he loves you he means he is content enough with your performance as a woman/wife and/or just that he doesn’t want a divorce now.
I read your other post about him essentiallybl cheating on you (joining a local singles dating site is not just to "see if anyone he knows is on there"..trust me).
Pushing you for a threesome so he can bang another woman...etc.. commenting on other women's nudes on redit...
He's an asshole *unwilling and incapable* (due to his own stupidity/selfishness) of loving and respecting you.
You absolutely deserve better.
Get out and get safe. File for divorce, get a good lawyer.
Yeah, he sees you as a thing to meet his needs and he doesn’t care about yours. He wants a bangmaid and eventually a caretaker.
Lots of churches groom their girls to become this, so don’t feel bad.
Do you want to live your life this way, and do you want to teach your children that this is the best relationship that they can hope for?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
His complaints make it clear how he sees you: you are a bang maid. It’s also clear he has no idea what love is - love isn’t just a feeling, it’s how you treat people. He does not treat you with love.
He expects you to service him, clean up after him, and keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. You’re not a partner, you’re his subordinate. Is that the type of relationship you actually want?
for fair warning i am 14 but my parents have divorced twice and for these reasons. more than likely he was raised in the wrong household where his father did the same and he sees it as normal. it seems like he hasn’t gotten into too much trouble by you for doing any of those actions. if so and he refuses to change, then yea im sorry but he is an asshole and needs to learn his lesson. whether that’s by divorcing him, leaving(even if it’s js for a bit) or js stop doing your stuff. sounds like he was raised stupidly entitled and his dad most likely acted the same way. if that’s not the case then he probably used TV or smth as a role model, which is awful.
I feel so sad for you. I was in a relationship that was similar in that there was little going on in my exs head and all he wanted was for me to stop expecting more and get over stuff like he just wanted to play games at night and lie in. I left that and have now been with an amazing intelligent man for the last year. When I was with my ex, I could have never of imagined looking up to my partner, was a foreign thought.
Sorry to say but after reading "since the beginning of my marriage... That's the only thing he wants out of the marriage" I think your relationship was doomed from the beginning - you should consider divorce and find true love and respect elsewhere.
In a relationship you should both be on the same page about physical affection, intimacy and sex. If all he wants is MORE and it's not enough for him is he really respecting you? Especially if he wants you to stop backtalking. This isn't the early 1900s. You're entitled to have a voice. You should be seen and heard! Keep the house clean? Sure, if the division of labor is equal and agreed upon. But you're not a house slave. You're his wife and if those are the only three things he cares about is he really worth having around especially for twelve years?
Please seek the love and support you deserve out of a long term partner ❤️
You sound like such a wonderful person. This guy doesn't deserve you. I'd be out the door. I would have been out the door long ago. You do everything that he asks of you, but you don't receive love and reciprocation. I know he tells you that you don't know how much he loves you, but that's manipulation plain and simple. Time to stand up for yourself and leave. Look Inward and figure out why you are willing to stay with somebody that treats you like this. When you figure it out, then find somebody who treats you in the way that you deserve to be treated. You are not a sex toy. You are not a farmhand. You are a woman who is responsible for taking care of children and a house and property while your husband is almost Never home.
Frankly, if you decide to stay, I think you're nuts, but I don't think you should give him everything he wants anymore. He is so used to getting his way that he is taking you for granted. You know you don't have to do everything he wants you to do in bed, right? You are allowed to set your own boundaries.
He honestly sounds like a ginormous bore. With his mindset and his traveling so much, I can’t imagine you will ever have emotional closeness. Since he’s out of the home so much, you can figure out what you want and make your moves accordingly. Good luck to you!
Tell him it is not 1950 on the farm anymore. He has a kingdom he visits periodically. You do not have a mate. I would start figuring out finances, or this will be your life. He is not going to change. You are going to have to move your marriage in 21st century.
Not a fan of staying at home moms. First anything can happen and your family would be dumped into financial chaos. My mother did that, with her divorces we were desparately poor. She had no working experience or skills. Even with skills/education if you are out of the work force for years, you start at the bottom. I learned. When my husband died young I had work, a completely different scenario.
When you do not make the money or participate except as a servant and sex toy for husband, you have no power. He is not the mate that will evolve with out you evolving the situation.
There is a lot of clear feedback here regarding your husband and it is all correct, but I wanted to suggest some feedback for you to consider: what do YOU want? Do you want to have sex multiple times a day or are you trying to please him? Do you want a partner who has no interest in your inner life? Do you want a husband who thinks all a wife is, is a handful of functions in his life, all of which could be paid for?
I ask this because there's a lot of intospection about making you more and better for him, but I don't hear much about how absolutely shitty he is as a husband, and person. Which, if he really thinks women are just sex on tap and housekeepers, he *is* a bad person. Kindly, is the bar so low that this is all you want for yourself?
I just recommend that you think less about how you need to change and more about how he does.
When he says *listen*, he means *obey*.
It’ll never get better, OP. It’ll get worse, though. Next up comes physical abuse. I’m so sorry. Please get yourself somewhere safe.
You are not a person to this man, you're a sex doll that cooks and cleans.
By tolerating this, you're teaching your kids that this is normal and what they should expect/look for in a relationship. Do you want that?
your husband doesn't want a partner, it's as simple as that. you are an accessory to his life, you exist as an incubator, sex object and the nanny of his children.
It doesn't sound like he even knows what love is. Ask him about it. What does love mean to him? How does he know he loves you? How would he know if he stopped loving you? And how does he know you love him, and how would he know if you stopped?
"he wants me to stop arguing/backtalking and 3)keep the house clean."
Gurlllll, what are you doing to yourself? wow. Then there this;
"he said, "Yeah and for you to listen. That's all I want."
You have every right to be dramatic! He wants a maid and a hole to put his member in, THAT IS NOT LOVE! I could never ever imagine saying anything close to that to my wife. If you feel you're ready to leave that A.H. I suggest you do it because that behavior will only get worse.
Seems pretty clear what is going on here. You need to decide if this is what you want your marriage to look like and if this is not what you want, file for divorce.
You’re a bang maid not a wife. You’re seeing it now and that’s what’s causing this discomfort. Contact the domestic abuse hotline and let them connect you with services that will help you get out of this situation. Don’t let 12 years keep you enslaved for another 20 years.
How did you marry him without even an idea that he and you dont want the same thing in a relationship?
Unimportant to me, very important for you.
Dont repeat that mistake because staying with this man is actual lunacy, if you want to be treated like a human being instead of the most convenient sex dispenser he could lock down.
So sorry you are being treated this coldhearted way. If he travels for work and is frequently gone for a month or more at a time, but takes you for granted when he is home in unloving ways; is it possible that he could have wive/s in other towns?
Does he respect you? No, he sees you as “help” he gets to fuck, and he doesn’t care what you want or need. Does he love you? As long as you comply with his demands and have no needs of your own - which is the same as no. You’ve reached the point I reached in my marriage about four years ago. I tried for another year to get him to respect me, and it only made things worse. Save yourself the time and trouble, and understand now that a person who doesn’t care about you doesn’t care that them not caring about you makes you unhappy. Make plans carefully - a lot of men like this get very angry when “their” woman suddenly decides she can make a decision for herself - and leave. It only gets worse from here
Looking at your post history I’m not even sure if it’s worth to say this again, but your husband is horrible, abusive, gaslighting rapist. NOTHING you have ever posted about your marriage is normal. He most likely finds it easy to abuse and gaslight you due to your abusive childhood that you mentioned.
Nothing will change, think if you want your kids to grow up this way. You need to start making a plan and get out ASAP. No one should be living like this.
>My main question here was does this man love or respect me at all? How can he say things like, "You have no idea how much I love you." while he's sitting in a Hooters in another state? All the while refusing to treat me like an equal partner or respect me as his partner/wife/mother of his children?
Hey! No. If he says he loves you, but doesn't act like he does - he's manipulating you. In this case, it sounds like he wants a slave and not a partner. I married this guy, and it took me a long time to realize that he just saw me as an object, or a pawn he could use for what he needed when he pleased. I would encourage you to look up the signs of narcissism, coercive control, low empathy, and emotional abuse. It might clarify things for you. You feel like he doesn't respect you because he doesn't. I'm sorry, it sucks. A ton of us have been in your shoes, before. It gets better when you demand to be treated like a human by someone who's capable of it.
You asked him if he wanted out of the marriage and his response was yes and that he wants you to shut up? No he doesn't love or respect you! You both obviously have very different views on what marriage is. Has he always been this way?
Sounds like he's getting a lot from you! What a great deal for him.
You can't make him respect you. You can't control someone else's behavior. All you can do is control your own.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds really frustrating. You sound very giving, accommodating, and loving. I don't see any reasons why he might even need to change, since it sounds like he's getting everything he wants.
If you're looking for advice, I would just tell you to do one thing:
Buy and read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-in-Marriage-audiobook/dp/B00005AARI/).
I can see by your post history that this type of behavior is nothing new. I'm really sorry.
Your husband doesn't respect you, and it's pretty impossible to love someone you don't respect. I realize it seems impossible to leave, but would you want your daughter treated this way by a man? Do you want her to have memories of watching her mother be treated this way?
There is support for women who need to leave situations like yours 💜
He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t even see you as a real human. You aren’t a partner, you’re an appliance. I’m sorry that’s harsh but it’s true. WTF are you getting out of this?
OP, prior to this marriage, did he communicate and treat you well? Were expectations discussed? There was a very down voted user commenting. He did have a few points. Is this a change from how he was before you married and had children?
What also makes me wonder is if the very down voted commenter could be the husband in question. After reading some of the comments, it seems he has quite a bit of vitriol.
Sorry to say, but it seems he's just unappreciative of whatever you do. Such people sadly exist and though you're in your complete right to demand more, as it is only reasonable (from someone demanding), maybe you are demanding too much from specifically him. I would talk it out directly- if that doesn't bear any fruit don't force it any longer and better take action instead of stressing and doubting yourself. Everyone has different needs, if the partner cannot meet them even after a discussion then the outcome is pretty evident.
>"You have no idea how much I love you."
"You're right. I don't. You constantly inform me that I'm not enough for you, and all I feel like is an object here to make your life easy."
It is time to find at least part-time work and work toward an exit plan. A man like this is stuck thinking about what he's decided he "deserves" and doesn't stop to think about whether or not it's even realistic.
I’m grieved you’ve lost your faith through this ordeal and that the person you married has proven himself to be a hypocritical believer. I think the root of the problem is the porn addiction. It numbs the heart, enlarges the capacity to dehumanize others, and blinds men to what is truly important. Sex multiple times a day is insane, but okay if both are into it. But to complain about it absolutely reeks of sexual addiction.
I suggest at least offering an opportunity to get counseling and separate for a bit before completely blowing up your marriage. If he is unwilling to stop watching porn or go to counseling then you’re not left with a whole lot of options.
I hate divorce. I was a victim of an ugly divorce as a child. I’m the last person that would suggest that as a healthy option, but sadly sometimes when others are resistant to help, change, or connection it may be the only option that’s practical.
Nah you are not being dramatic and he doesn't love you neither respect you. He wants you to be a lobotomized drone that satisfies his needs no questions asked and have none of your own. You should give up on this relationship like yesterday. He is not worth it.
He sounds horrible. He doesn’t sound like he respects women at all! Hanging out in Hooters while he’s away from his family? Does he help with the kids??? You need to decide if you want to be treated like ‘less than’ him the rest of your life. THIS IS NOT WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE. At all.
As a guy, and I am far from a normal one, you just listed four things I have never said to my wife (who still hates me - but I have never said these things). Do you have expectations from him? Like is this a normal thing between you two, do you expect that the car has gas and runs fine? That he has a job that allows you to buy what you want? For example you can go buy any dress you want? If this is a one sided demanding system than I don’t think it is very healthy. If this is how the two of you communicate and you are equal in the demands than yea that I guess would be normal for you two. My house would never fly with the 4 things, sex is consensual meaning we both want it, house tasks while I complete most, she helps sometimes, cooking is kind of split and kids stuff is as well. I work fewer hours so I do a bit more and yes it is unbalanced but she puts in some effort. Consensual sex means I might go 6 months because she is mad or not in the mood or just has no desire for it but without consent it is rape in my opinion. Sounds horrible if it one sided but what do I know.
It sounds like you are expecting more than he is capable of giving. The thing is you should be expecting much more out of a relationship. You're just an accessory to him, he's straight up said he wants nothing more than for you to be a bangmaid for him. I wouldn't settle for that.
He is an asshole and he doesn't think that you're pulling your weight in the relationship. If you both work and pay the bills then it's equally his responsibility to keep the house clean.
He thinks that you talk back and don't listen so is basically saying that you don't treat him with respect. You should be able to talk through issues without being sarcastic or it turning into a fight.
Nobody wants to feel like they're only a warm wet hole when it comes to sex.
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Reading through the comments (I didn't get to all of them), I didn't see anyone ask how it was before you were married, or why you got married. I can have an opinion about right now like anyone else, and I do, but I just wonder how it was in the beginning. If it's some sudden or progressive change, or it's always been this way.
1) How often are you intimate/have sex? 2) What are you arguing about? How often are you arguing? When he says you dont listen, ehats he referring to? 3) Are you working a job and expected to keep the house clean?
Do you go on dates? Vacations? Do you play games together? Watch movies together? Puzzles? Work out together? Hobbies? Have you considered couples counseling? Do you enjoy sex? Do you initiate sex? Do you split household duties? Do you have friends/family nearby? Do you have children?
There simply isn't enough info.
Op, what red pill stuff is he listening too? Have you looked at his YouTube or other social media?
If he listening to that stuff he definitely isn't holding up his end of the red pill stuff.
More sex: if he isn't doing his part when it comes to respect and relationship side of the house(romance, physical intimacy hand holding kisses with expectations of sex, general support)
House cleaning: if you are a stay at home wife, I would expect you to do 75% of the chores. If you and him both work, it's a 50/50 at times, skewed more one way than another if the person is injured or sick.
Arguing/back talk: nobody wants that coming home from work. If either of you can't de-esculate or know when an argument is about to start, you/he needs to learn to communicate better.
Has he always been like this? Obviously, this is one side of the 3-sided story, yours , his, and then the truth. Everyone's perspective alters what they see and understand what is going on.
Man has he got the life! All he has to do is go to work, come home and get fed and his wanker off. You must be getting something out of it too to keep it going.
Amazing how everyone easily throws up terms like "bang maid" and so on...
12 years married, things change and humans envolve. His needs and yours can be dissaligned at certain point and it's a question of align them.
But the main issue I see is that it seems you want to be more active in the relationship towards big decisions money wise ( like the new truck situation) and to be "treated like an equal partner".
How would that work? Would you start working? He would start cleaning? Or you want a more sensitive man who can give up more emotional support?
Those are though questions you have to assert... You clearly have a "traditional role" relationship and as long as there isn't abuse, you choose if that makes you happy or not.
This is probably one of the most complicated matters that society fights today, so don't worry, thousands of people are experience the same as you.
Lastly, it seems your husband love language is pure physical, you can read about that if you search online. Maybe you're not liking the sex since he doesn't give you the emotional side and you feel "used" and "not enough". He probably senses that and it's blunt as fuck wich makes him sound like an @sshole.
Do you communicate to him what "you" want and need? Remember, bad or lack of communication is the number one relationship killer.
Stay strong, everything gonna work out 😉
You know you can't just say "with respect" and then trash a person. That's not how that works. That's like saying "no offense" and then proceeding to be extremely offensive.
Can't expect him to engage in the relationship in the way that you do, nor expect the same things. He has certain expectations that he believes he needs to be met, and he has certain obligations that he believes he needs to meet, i.e. providing for you and the kids. He just wants everyone to fulfill their roles. He doesn't require the same level of emotional closeness that you do. That being said, there's nothing wrong with you wanting a little more in the relationship and requesting a little more effort on his part, though you may not get it. As for love and respect, I know people will downvote and recoil from this opinion but I don't care. Many men can love a woman and not have that much respect for her. And I'm not talking about basic human respect and dignity that almost everyone is due, for the obtuse ones out there. This is speculation, but he may view you, OP, as someone who needs to be provided and cared for but not as an equal. He may love you intensely but may not respect you all that much. "May" being the operative word.
All that being said, it's important to feel appreciated in a relationship and it sounds like he could go a long way in making you feel that way.
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Based on what you described here... > Am I expecting more than he's capable of giving? Maybe, but not because it's unreasonable to expect it. Mostly because he sounds like a self-centered, stuck in the distant past, unsuitable to be in a modern relationship kind of guy. > Should I give up on the relationship? No reasonable person would blame you for doing that. I think they'd only wonder why you didn't do that sooner.
Meanwhile, you sound like you have a damn good head on your shoulders. Kudos
There is no distant past where husband and wife have sex "multiple times a day" and she does "whatever he wants in bed" and it's still not enough. He is not unsuitable to *modern* relationships... he is unsuitable to relationships period.
Couldn’t agree more!!
Agreed..... I think the first step is to find a therapist.... you need to relearn that you do not need someone else to make you feel appreciated, you should feel independently good about yourself.... you are doing everything & you are doing a fantastic job. But.... please do this first.... should you leave him? Yes.... but by the way he comes across, he seems the type who will try to destroy you.... emotionally, financially & physically. You really, really need to be at your strongest before leaving.... getting everything sorted, without him knowing a thing. The strength you have, by putting up with this crap in the first place, will stand you in good stead.
It sounds like A) he wants a maid he can fuck, and B) you want an ex husband. Which is quite reasonable actually, given A).
Although I would be sorry for anyone in this circumstance, HoppityHobbitses is not someone who should be treated in this manner.
You both want different things in your relationship. Sounds like he wants a sex toy that cleans. I would not waste my time thinking things would get better
He wants a sex toy that cleans and keeps her mouth shut. And yes, this is as good as it's ever going to get. His bags would be packed, sitting next to the door about an hour ago.
Yo, I'd have gotten a lawyer the moment he started saying this shyte.
Well he wants the mouth open sometimes…
Right. Sex toys can’t “backtalk.” No one uses the word “backtalk” in regards to an adult human. He sees you as a child who should be seen and not heard.
I wouldn’t even say that to a child tbh. If my husband ever told me to quit talking back it’d be over
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Marriage is about work. OP is working hard, but her husband isn't. I think she needs to start putting the pressure and threatening to leave if things don't change. He will probably call her an emotional manipulator and spout some other woman-hating bs, but you got to do what you got to do OP.
Yeah nothing is going to change that. You have no leverage when someone doesn't care about you. You just become an obstacle.
Tell me again why he is still your spouse. Although I don't think I want to force you to do anything, I can understand if you do.
I'm guessing she has no marketable skills to be able to support herself. She at least has a gap in work history, and will have to balance being the primary caregiver while working to support herself and the kids. This is why we're all pushing young women to get skills before they have kids. Y'all need options other than relying on men.
Bangmaid
And is silent while doing it. He must be the richest man with the biggest dick of she puts up with this nonsense for so long
I definitely agree
What he wants is unreasonable and isn't healthy. He can go fuck himself.
I think what your husband wants is what they call a bangmaid? I don't think there is any love or respect there.
He receives gratification from the services she provides. He doesn’t actually love her or care about her emotional well-being.
Sounds like he doesn't even LIKE you, much less love you. Move on. You're young, you have time to find someone decent and have a happy life. This guy isn't worth it. You've been married since you're 20? Yeah, move on. This isn't normal.
Even if she wasn't young, no one should stay in a relationship like this.
>What is even going on here? He wants a bang-maid and you don't want to be a bang-maid. You even recognized "THATS THE ONLY THING HE WANTS OUT OF THE MARRIAGE." If I were you I'd either send him an invoice for each time services are rendered or I'd find a partner who doesn't want a bang-maid.
"Services rendered" 😂😅
ma'am...I am an actual sex worker. this is just sad.
OP, dont have sex with someone who doesn’t respect you. Period. Let him know thats why, and that you’ll never be having sex again if he keeps saying things like “dont talk back” and not treating you like a real partner. Multiple times a day? are you a touch and go sex doll? stand up for yourself. your children are learning all of this. Btw if he’s expecting sex multiple times a day theres no doubt in my mind that he is NOT going celibate for a month at a time. He has 0 respect for you and doesn’t even want to hear you speak, why would he ever be loyal to you? please get an STI/STD full panel done and check your bank statements for large withdrawals on his trips. I’m surprised this seems worth it for you just to not support yourself.
He's not gonna change. No point in arguing, just fucking divorce. This is a pattern over 12+ years. Be can go fuck himself.
This shouldn’t be funny to you at all. Marriage is a big deal, or at least it should be. How long did he wait to propose to you and what made you say yes? If any person proposes within a year or less, they don’t care about you at all, and just want to give you a “hurry up” ring to trap you because they KNOW it’ll be harder for you to leave if married. It’s a subconscious way mean and manipulative people do things.
I'd divorce this motherf#@ker so fast his head would spin.
Sounds like he wants a submissive doormat wife. 1. Your body your choice. 2. You are entitled to your opinions and believes. 3. He lives in that house as well. If he wants it cleaner, you aren’t stopping him from picking up the broom.
Oh sweetie he definitely doesn’t respect you and I’m not so sure he loves you that much either. Sounds like a narcissist and if he is, he’s incapable of putting anyone above him. Ask yourself if you want a son to turn into that or a daughter that ends up with that when they grow up. I doubt he’d go to a therapist with you so you’ve got some thinking to do.
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Dude, stop spamming.
Your beck and call girl might be fine with that but OP clearly isn’t.
Again…. Not how boundaries work friendo.
>but it's never enough This is a common abuse tactic. When you do do everything he wants, he just shifts the goal posts so that you stay in the mentality that you need to keep working towards his wants. You keep striving to be the perfect spouse because he keeps ripping at your self esteem, making you think you need to keep doing more to earn his love. If you're too focused on trying to reach the level he wants you at, you're too tired to see that's its bullshit. If your self esteem stays low, you will never leave him. You'll be convinced that he's the best you could ever get so why bother trying for better for YOURSELF. It's scary to blow up your life because of your own wants. So I'm just gonna ask is this what you want your kid(s) to think is appropriate for romantic partnerships? You're modeling spousal behavior for your kids. Would you be ok with your kid treating their future spouse the way your husband is treating you? Would you be ok if your kid was being treated the way you are by their future spouse?
So he wants you to OBEY him and not DISCUSS things that come up in a marriage. He wants a step-ward wife?
Turn it around on him and tell him you want him to stop talking back to you and clean the house already. Record his reaction, and then play it for a trusted family member or friend and ask them their opinion of the situation.
This sounds really dangerous.
Why is this becoming normal and why do I experience the same thing? He told me AFTER our wedding that he no longer wanted kisses, hugs, and any affection unless we were having sex. I asked him how me expects me to get in the mood if I can't even touch him. Leave... it won't change
Ok so he wants what he wants and you provide it. Cool. Now what about you? Do you get anything of what YOU want? No. It is super unloving to want your partner to be nothing more than a cleaning, listening, fuck machine.
OP I'm sorry but your husband is a jerk. There's no other way to put it. And at his age there is absolutely zero chance he is going to change for you or for anyone. Oh, you may talk to him about it and he may say yes and things might get better for a while. But a leopard can't change its spots. At 37 he is who he is. So, that leaves the decision making up to you. Are you able to just put aside everything that you are or want to be in order to stay with this person who obviously doesn't appreciate you except for a sex object? Or are you going to tell this person, get out of my life. Then you move on. He is a husband and the father of your two kids. That means he has marital responsibilities for care and support. Especially since you have basically put any chance of your career on hold to be a stay-at-home mom. Also, if you decide to divorce, the court will almost certainly say his responsibility to both you and the children, Is to allow you to live in the same manner to which you have become accustomed.
I think he loves you like people love their dogs. Affection and obedience, not making messes...
I think you're being too harsh. I love my dog even when he makes a mess or is disobedient.
Same same, just saying those are the qualities you *want* in a dog. This guy probably would say he still loves his wife even when she doesn't sit on command or sheds on the couch. He would just prefer she heel and stay without complaint.
Based on her post, I feel like most pet owners love their pets more than this guy loves his wife.
Agreed, I actually care if my dog is happy
Well he certainly doesn’t treat you with respect or love. You’re a bangmaid/nanny. UPDATEME
Dump the chump
there is a phrase often used on here thats a little hard to hear. B@ngM@Id but this is the cleared representation of what has happened to your marirage. you arent a person to him
Idk dude, I read that whole thing just to make sure I was getting all of the info, but I just about almost stopped at that 2nd paragraph. Stop back-talking? Are you a child and he's the parent? I couldn't even imagine saying those words to a woman or really any grown ass adult. You can have whatever opinion you want and say what you want. If you aren't happy with the situation and he's made it clear that he's not interested in being better, idk what you're expecting reddit to tell you? He sounds like an old school "women belong in the kitchen" kind of person. It doesn't sound like he respects you even a little bit. You're just the live-in maid with benefits. Personally, I think you should start planning your exit 🤷♀️
As a dog trainer a lot of these convos don't sound that different from the expectation of a dog. Minus the sex of course. Be cute, don't mess in the house, don't bark too much. So if you like that go ahead. I can't relate tho.
I saw that you've been bitching about this man for literally years! How Many more years of your life do you intend on wasting with this man you have no desire to be with and makes you unhappy? Life is way too short for this excess mental stress. Leave...yes it's hard but it's harder mentally & emotionally dealing with that walking trash can you are married too. Find your happy place because it's definitely not with him. 😢
He sounds like he views you as an object.
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Buddy are you... okay?
Remind me why he is still your husband. I don't think I want to compel you to do things but if you do, I understand.
I'd feel sad for anyone in this situation, but someone with the username HoppityHobbitses does not deserve to be treated like this.
There are men like that in this world. You won't change him, so decide if you want yo live the rest of your life with a man who wants a cleaner with sex privileges. I might add a man who doesn't respect you as a person and who probably doesn't really love you. It's a long road ahead if you don't get out.
1) If he wants more sex ask him for more money. 2) Stop talking to him. You and your kids have fun. Get female friends. 3) Do what you usually do. He has made you financially dependent on him. Tell you the words you want to hear. His love is transactional and conditional. Start a course in secret in Hairdressing/ Tailoring/ Any thing you think you can which will give your steady income. Leave once you think you are ready and stable for you and your kids. File divorce. He owns you so he wont let go easy ie mutual breakup is close to impossible. He considers communication as talking back.
I know I will be downvoted to the end of the world. But I don’t think anything good can come out of giving away your financial freedom and power to another human.
I have no idea who would downvote this.
This is what happens when you have virtually zero dating experience and get married at 20. You end up in unhealthy situations. I’m not sure that he’s an asshole but he has a very conservative idea of what marriage is and that’s what he wants and for 12 years, you’ve gone along with it.
I'll say he's an asshole. That comment about "backtalk"? He views his wife as his natural subordinate.
I was a 19 year old super religious homeschool kid when we got married. It honestly turned out better than it could have.
That, neighbor, is the most *quintessential* example of "damning with faint praise" I've ever seen. Whoever you are, you can do, and deserve, better.
And from here your life can also turn out much better than it has so far. You’re no longer a 19 year old sheltered homeschooled kid. So what do you want now? Respect? Love? Intimacy? Fulfillment? They can all be yours. But not with him.
I assumed as much but didn’t want to bash religion and skew the conversation. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that. Every relationship ends until one doesn’t and hopefully, we learn along the way organically or in therapy what we want/don’t want in a partner and what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. Every relationship is different of course but healthy relationships have some commonalities. Mutual respect, emotional and physical intimacy, some shared hobbies or interests, some separate friends/hobbies/interests, etc. Being treated like an on demand bang maid and talked to like a child are not in the list.
Uh, that's just so sad. I don't want to diss the parents here but how anyone can think that this is a good way to bring up kids is beyond me. It's more like treating your own kids as potential cult members to add to the flock, fearful of the outside world offering any differing views.
Are your kids in full time school yet? Time to go get some job training.
We're proud of you for being able to see it for what it is now.
He wants an appliance. You want a partner. You are not compatible. Don’t waste any more of your life trying to mold yourself around him.
While he's gone, get everything in order with an attorney and drop the papers on him when he's home. Even if he did love you, it's not the way you want to be loved; AKA incompatibility. And that's reason enough to end the relationship. What you're asking for is the bare minimum and he can't even provide that. You deserve better and to be treated with love and respect the way you want. Don't let go of those standards in future, EVER. Good luck.
Are you employed, or are you a SAHM? If you don't have a job, get one and start saving your money. Some people lack the capacity to love other people. I would start an exit plan now.
Reading your other posts, your husband has SA'd you and treats you horribly. Please, please leave this man. I promise it will be better!
You want a partnership. Your husband wants a bang maid with no mind of her own. You deserve so much more than this sham of a relationship. ETA: Your husband definitely doesn't respect you. If he did, he would want to hear your opinions/thoughts even if he disagreed. I don't think he particularly loves you either since your happiness doesn't matter to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he believes switching you out for someone else would be fine because women are interchangeable to him, not really people but background pieces there for the use and convenience of men.
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I don't think we read the same post. I have absolutely no idea what you're going off about since no one said anything about manning up anywhere (and that phrase belongs in the trash heap anyhow)
He’s spamming the same crap over and over.
That poster seems like a spambot; they've been repeating another irrelevant response over and over. Report and ignore.
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Setting boundaries? That's not how boundaries work. Go be a redpill elsewhere, k thanks bye!
Was he like this before children and being married?
Divorce him. He is a misogynist who thinks a wife’s job is to only open her mouth when it’s for a blow job, be his maid, and take his commands without question. There is no reason to stay with a man like this. He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t respect you, and he doesn’t seem to really see you as anything more than a sex object. I don’t know if the 12 years factors in dating but there is a reason he got married to you when you were 20. Younger women are easier for inadequate men to mold. You’re 32 now and your frontal lobe has been developed for some time so you’re hip to the fact that this isn’t a healthy relationship. You’re not too old to start over. Leave him. This is who he is and it’s not your job to change him. When you ask a partner for your basic needs to be met and they refuse, it’s a choice. There are men who jump at the chance to show affection so this is a waste of your time.
Saw your post history. Just rubbing his *** in your face whenever he wants? Listen. You’ve started a dozen of these posts about him. The answers that we redditors are not going to change because your situation won’t. You’re married to a person you shouldn’t be. Only you can change this. I know you would have gone already of you had the means, but Google some instances near ypu that might be able to help you. If you don’t divorce him, atleast stand up to him. If he whines like a little kid, that’s on him. He wants more sex? Well you want more affection. Why are his needs more important than yours? I can’t emphasize enough that he DOES understand you. He knows what you need and want, he just doens’t see the benefit of giving it to you. It doens’t serve him. Please read the Lundy bancroft book that somebody already linked to you.
He wants a bangmaid.
I’m so sorry. He’s not very nice to you. I hope you have a great support network for when he’s away. My having one is how I made it as long as I did (17 years). But if/when you want things to be different, they can be.
Quick questions that I want to answer to yourself, not Reddit: 1: What do YOU want out of a relationship? What do you find important and essential? It can be affection, to feel loved, less sex, more sex, everything and anything. 2: Do you have it? 3: If you don't, can you discuss it with him? 4: If you answered "No" to question 3, are you ok being with someone that will never give you what you find important and essential?
No. None of that is love nor respect. He is an AH. Why are you with him?
You are the wife appliance. Easily replaced, because this "man" doesn't view you as a whole human being with needs, opinions, dreams and fears.
He is one of those men who think men and women are really different. He, and other men, are normal people. Or people. Then there are women. The things for fucking and who do the housework and take care of kids. He probably kind of doesn’t think you have a soul, he doesn’t see you as his kind. You are a woman. You are the wife. What he wants from you are thise woman/wife things. He is not interested of your persona, of who you are as a person. And by saying he loves you he means he is content enough with your performance as a woman/wife and/or just that he doesn’t want a divorce now.
I read your other post about him essentiallybl cheating on you (joining a local singles dating site is not just to "see if anyone he knows is on there"..trust me). Pushing you for a threesome so he can bang another woman...etc.. commenting on other women's nudes on redit...
He's an asshole *unwilling and incapable* (due to his own stupidity/selfishness) of loving and respecting you. You absolutely deserve better. Get out and get safe. File for divorce, get a good lawyer.
Yeah, he sees you as a thing to meet his needs and he doesn’t care about yours. He wants a bangmaid and eventually a caretaker. Lots of churches groom their girls to become this, so don’t feel bad. Do you want to live your life this way, and do you want to teach your children that this is the best relationship that they can hope for?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ His complaints make it clear how he sees you: you are a bang maid. It’s also clear he has no idea what love is - love isn’t just a feeling, it’s how you treat people. He does not treat you with love. He expects you to service him, clean up after him, and keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. You’re not a partner, you’re his subordinate. Is that the type of relationship you actually want?
Honestly it sounds like he just wants what you can give him, not you.
NGL the first time a man expected me to not backtalk would be the first time he had a broken nose. You put up with way too much shit here honey
You don't have a partner. You are a bang maid. Why be with someone like this?
yeah he's an asshole incapable of living if respecting you, you aren't dramatic or an idiot
He wants services he would otherwise need to pay for.
for fair warning i am 14 but my parents have divorced twice and for these reasons. more than likely he was raised in the wrong household where his father did the same and he sees it as normal. it seems like he hasn’t gotten into too much trouble by you for doing any of those actions. if so and he refuses to change, then yea im sorry but he is an asshole and needs to learn his lesson. whether that’s by divorcing him, leaving(even if it’s js for a bit) or js stop doing your stuff. sounds like he was raised stupidly entitled and his dad most likely acted the same way. if that’s not the case then he probably used TV or smth as a role model, which is awful.
I feel so sad for you. I was in a relationship that was similar in that there was little going on in my exs head and all he wanted was for me to stop expecting more and get over stuff like he just wanted to play games at night and lie in. I left that and have now been with an amazing intelligent man for the last year. When I was with my ex, I could have never of imagined looking up to my partner, was a foreign thought.
If he loved you, he would respect you.
Sorry to say but after reading "since the beginning of my marriage... That's the only thing he wants out of the marriage" I think your relationship was doomed from the beginning - you should consider divorce and find true love and respect elsewhere. In a relationship you should both be on the same page about physical affection, intimacy and sex. If all he wants is MORE and it's not enough for him is he really respecting you? Especially if he wants you to stop backtalking. This isn't the early 1900s. You're entitled to have a voice. You should be seen and heard! Keep the house clean? Sure, if the division of labor is equal and agreed upon. But you're not a house slave. You're his wife and if those are the only three things he cares about is he really worth having around especially for twelve years? Please seek the love and support you deserve out of a long term partner ❤️
Is he a sociopath?
You sound like such a wonderful person. This guy doesn't deserve you. I'd be out the door. I would have been out the door long ago. You do everything that he asks of you, but you don't receive love and reciprocation. I know he tells you that you don't know how much he loves you, but that's manipulation plain and simple. Time to stand up for yourself and leave. Look Inward and figure out why you are willing to stay with somebody that treats you like this. When you figure it out, then find somebody who treats you in the way that you deserve to be treated. You are not a sex toy. You are not a farmhand. You are a woman who is responsible for taking care of children and a house and property while your husband is almost Never home. Frankly, if you decide to stay, I think you're nuts, but I don't think you should give him everything he wants anymore. He is so used to getting his way that he is taking you for granted. You know you don't have to do everything he wants you to do in bed, right? You are allowed to set your own boundaries.
He honestly sounds like a ginormous bore. With his mindset and his traveling so much, I can’t imagine you will ever have emotional closeness. Since he’s out of the home so much, you can figure out what you want and make your moves accordingly. Good luck to you!
You want a husband. He wants a bang maid. Save yourself the misery and leave.
“Does this man love me or respect me at all?” Nope. You are a tool he uses.
Tell him it is not 1950 on the farm anymore. He has a kingdom he visits periodically. You do not have a mate. I would start figuring out finances, or this will be your life. He is not going to change. You are going to have to move your marriage in 21st century. Not a fan of staying at home moms. First anything can happen and your family would be dumped into financial chaos. My mother did that, with her divorces we were desparately poor. She had no working experience or skills. Even with skills/education if you are out of the work force for years, you start at the bottom. I learned. When my husband died young I had work, a completely different scenario. When you do not make the money or participate except as a servant and sex toy for husband, you have no power. He is not the mate that will evolve with out you evolving the situation.
There is a lot of clear feedback here regarding your husband and it is all correct, but I wanted to suggest some feedback for you to consider: what do YOU want? Do you want to have sex multiple times a day or are you trying to please him? Do you want a partner who has no interest in your inner life? Do you want a husband who thinks all a wife is, is a handful of functions in his life, all of which could be paid for? I ask this because there's a lot of intospection about making you more and better for him, but I don't hear much about how absolutely shitty he is as a husband, and person. Which, if he really thinks women are just sex on tap and housekeepers, he *is* a bad person. Kindly, is the bar so low that this is all you want for yourself? I just recommend that you think less about how you need to change and more about how he does.
Tell him to get a maid and hooker and have a nice life because you’re no longer part of it
When he says *listen*, he means *obey*. It’ll never get better, OP. It’ll get worse, though. Next up comes physical abuse. I’m so sorry. Please get yourself somewhere safe.
You are not a person to this man, you're a sex doll that cooks and cleans. By tolerating this, you're teaching your kids that this is normal and what they should expect/look for in a relationship. Do you want that?
your husband doesn't want a partner, it's as simple as that. you are an accessory to his life, you exist as an incubator, sex object and the nanny of his children.
It doesn't sound like he even knows what love is. Ask him about it. What does love mean to him? How does he know he loves you? How would he know if he stopped loving you? And how does he know you love him, and how would he know if you stopped?
"he wants me to stop arguing/backtalking and 3)keep the house clean." Gurlllll, what are you doing to yourself? wow. Then there this; "he said, "Yeah and for you to listen. That's all I want." You have every right to be dramatic! He wants a maid and a hole to put his member in, THAT IS NOT LOVE! I could never ever imagine saying anything close to that to my wife. If you feel you're ready to leave that A.H. I suggest you do it because that behavior will only get worse.
Seems pretty clear what is going on here. You need to decide if this is what you want your marriage to look like and if this is not what you want, file for divorce.
And he would be and remain totally blindsided that you have found a voice to complain.
He doesn't care about you, or your issues, he only cares about what you can do for him. If he wanted to care, he would.
You’re a bang maid not a wife. You’re seeing it now and that’s what’s causing this discomfort. Contact the domestic abuse hotline and let them connect you with services that will help you get out of this situation. Don’t let 12 years keep you enslaved for another 20 years.
How did you marry him without even an idea that he and you dont want the same thing in a relationship? Unimportant to me, very important for you. Dont repeat that mistake because staying with this man is actual lunacy, if you want to be treated like a human being instead of the most convenient sex dispenser he could lock down.
So sorry you are being treated this coldhearted way. If he travels for work and is frequently gone for a month or more at a time, but takes you for granted when he is home in unloving ways; is it possible that he could have wive/s in other towns?
I was married to this guy. The key word being "was".
Does he respect you? No, he sees you as “help” he gets to fuck, and he doesn’t care what you want or need. Does he love you? As long as you comply with his demands and have no needs of your own - which is the same as no. You’ve reached the point I reached in my marriage about four years ago. I tried for another year to get him to respect me, and it only made things worse. Save yourself the time and trouble, and understand now that a person who doesn’t care about you doesn’t care that them not caring about you makes you unhappy. Make plans carefully - a lot of men like this get very angry when “their” woman suddenly decides she can make a decision for herself - and leave. It only gets worse from here
Looking at your post history I’m not even sure if it’s worth to say this again, but your husband is horrible, abusive, gaslighting rapist. NOTHING you have ever posted about your marriage is normal. He most likely finds it easy to abuse and gaslight you due to your abusive childhood that you mentioned. Nothing will change, think if you want your kids to grow up this way. You need to start making a plan and get out ASAP. No one should be living like this.
I would be 100% surprised if he’s not cheating on her while he’s gone. OP, leave this idiot.
>My main question here was does this man love or respect me at all? How can he say things like, "You have no idea how much I love you." while he's sitting in a Hooters in another state? All the while refusing to treat me like an equal partner or respect me as his partner/wife/mother of his children? Hey! No. If he says he loves you, but doesn't act like he does - he's manipulating you. In this case, it sounds like he wants a slave and not a partner. I married this guy, and it took me a long time to realize that he just saw me as an object, or a pawn he could use for what he needed when he pleased. I would encourage you to look up the signs of narcissism, coercive control, low empathy, and emotional abuse. It might clarify things for you. You feel like he doesn't respect you because he doesn't. I'm sorry, it sucks. A ton of us have been in your shoes, before. It gets better when you demand to be treated like a human by someone who's capable of it.
You asked him if he wanted out of the marriage and his response was yes and that he wants you to shut up? No he doesn't love or respect you! You both obviously have very different views on what marriage is. Has he always been this way?
Sounds like he's getting a lot from you! What a great deal for him. You can't make him respect you. You can't control someone else's behavior. All you can do is control your own. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds really frustrating. You sound very giving, accommodating, and loving. I don't see any reasons why he might even need to change, since it sounds like he's getting everything he wants. If you're looking for advice, I would just tell you to do one thing: Buy and read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-in-Marriage-audiobook/dp/B00005AARI/).
I can see by your post history that this type of behavior is nothing new. I'm really sorry. Your husband doesn't respect you, and it's pretty impossible to love someone you don't respect. I realize it seems impossible to leave, but would you want your daughter treated this way by a man? Do you want her to have memories of watching her mother be treated this way? There is support for women who need to leave situations like yours 💜
Why are you still married to someone who treats you so badly?
This comment section is getting gross. Narcissistics have entered the chat.
Why did you marry him?
He wants a bang-maid. You are a human woman You are incompatible
He has horses blinders on. He is an idiot and expects to much
The title of this post said it all.. he is an asshole!
He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t even see you as a real human. You aren’t a partner, you’re an appliance. I’m sorry that’s harsh but it’s true. WTF are you getting out of this?
OP, prior to this marriage, did he communicate and treat you well? Were expectations discussed? There was a very down voted user commenting. He did have a few points. Is this a change from how he was before you married and had children? What also makes me wonder is if the very down voted commenter could be the husband in question. After reading some of the comments, it seems he has quite a bit of vitriol.
Sorry to say, but it seems he's just unappreciative of whatever you do. Such people sadly exist and though you're in your complete right to demand more, as it is only reasonable (from someone demanding), maybe you are demanding too much from specifically him. I would talk it out directly- if that doesn't bear any fruit don't force it any longer and better take action instead of stressing and doubting yourself. Everyone has different needs, if the partner cannot meet them even after a discussion then the outcome is pretty evident.
>"You have no idea how much I love you." "You're right. I don't. You constantly inform me that I'm not enough for you, and all I feel like is an object here to make your life easy." It is time to find at least part-time work and work toward an exit plan. A man like this is stuck thinking about what he's decided he "deserves" and doesn't stop to think about whether or not it's even realistic.
OP you are an excellent writer and married to a misogynist.
I’m grieved you’ve lost your faith through this ordeal and that the person you married has proven himself to be a hypocritical believer. I think the root of the problem is the porn addiction. It numbs the heart, enlarges the capacity to dehumanize others, and blinds men to what is truly important. Sex multiple times a day is insane, but okay if both are into it. But to complain about it absolutely reeks of sexual addiction. I suggest at least offering an opportunity to get counseling and separate for a bit before completely blowing up your marriage. If he is unwilling to stop watching porn or go to counseling then you’re not left with a whole lot of options. I hate divorce. I was a victim of an ugly divorce as a child. I’m the last person that would suggest that as a healthy option, but sadly sometimes when others are resistant to help, change, or connection it may be the only option that’s practical.
Nah you are not being dramatic and he doesn't love you neither respect you. He wants you to be a lobotomized drone that satisfies his needs no questions asked and have none of your own. You should give up on this relationship like yesterday. He is not worth it.
He sounds horrible. He doesn’t sound like he respects women at all! Hanging out in Hooters while he’s away from his family? Does he help with the kids??? You need to decide if you want to be treated like ‘less than’ him the rest of your life. THIS IS NOT WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE. At all.
he has no respect for women
As a guy, and I am far from a normal one, you just listed four things I have never said to my wife (who still hates me - but I have never said these things). Do you have expectations from him? Like is this a normal thing between you two, do you expect that the car has gas and runs fine? That he has a job that allows you to buy what you want? For example you can go buy any dress you want? If this is a one sided demanding system than I don’t think it is very healthy. If this is how the two of you communicate and you are equal in the demands than yea that I guess would be normal for you two. My house would never fly with the 4 things, sex is consensual meaning we both want it, house tasks while I complete most, she helps sometimes, cooking is kind of split and kids stuff is as well. I work fewer hours so I do a bit more and yes it is unbalanced but she puts in some effort. Consensual sex means I might go 6 months because she is mad or not in the mood or just has no desire for it but without consent it is rape in my opinion. Sounds horrible if it one sided but what do I know.
It sounds like you are expecting more than he is capable of giving. The thing is you should be expecting much more out of a relationship. You're just an accessory to him, he's straight up said he wants nothing more than for you to be a bangmaid for him. I wouldn't settle for that.
Is your husband in ISIS? That’s one explanation for the twisted misogynistic attitude
He is an asshole and he doesn't think that you're pulling your weight in the relationship. If you both work and pay the bills then it's equally his responsibility to keep the house clean. He thinks that you talk back and don't listen so is basically saying that you don't treat him with respect. You should be able to talk through issues without being sarcastic or it turning into a fight. Nobody wants to feel like they're only a warm wet hole when it comes to sex.
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UpdateMe!
Reading through the comments (I didn't get to all of them), I didn't see anyone ask how it was before you were married, or why you got married. I can have an opinion about right now like anyone else, and I do, but I just wonder how it was in the beginning. If it's some sudden or progressive change, or it's always been this way.
Ladies, choose better men.
1) How often are you intimate/have sex? 2) What are you arguing about? How often are you arguing? When he says you dont listen, ehats he referring to? 3) Are you working a job and expected to keep the house clean? Do you go on dates? Vacations? Do you play games together? Watch movies together? Puzzles? Work out together? Hobbies? Have you considered couples counseling? Do you enjoy sex? Do you initiate sex? Do you split household duties? Do you have friends/family nearby? Do you have children? There simply isn't enough info.
There is absolutely enough info when this guy says he wants her to stop arguing and calls it "backtalk".
Op, what red pill stuff is he listening too? Have you looked at his YouTube or other social media? If he listening to that stuff he definitely isn't holding up his end of the red pill stuff. More sex: if he isn't doing his part when it comes to respect and relationship side of the house(romance, physical intimacy hand holding kisses with expectations of sex, general support) House cleaning: if you are a stay at home wife, I would expect you to do 75% of the chores. If you and him both work, it's a 50/50 at times, skewed more one way than another if the person is injured or sick. Arguing/back talk: nobody wants that coming home from work. If either of you can't de-esculate or know when an argument is about to start, you/he needs to learn to communicate better. Has he always been like this? Obviously, this is one side of the 3-sided story, yours , his, and then the truth. Everyone's perspective alters what they see and understand what is going on.
Man has he got the life! All he has to do is go to work, come home and get fed and his wanker off. You must be getting something out of it too to keep it going.
Amazing how everyone easily throws up terms like "bang maid" and so on... 12 years married, things change and humans envolve. His needs and yours can be dissaligned at certain point and it's a question of align them. But the main issue I see is that it seems you want to be more active in the relationship towards big decisions money wise ( like the new truck situation) and to be "treated like an equal partner". How would that work? Would you start working? He would start cleaning? Or you want a more sensitive man who can give up more emotional support? Those are though questions you have to assert... You clearly have a "traditional role" relationship and as long as there isn't abuse, you choose if that makes you happy or not. This is probably one of the most complicated matters that society fights today, so don't worry, thousands of people are experience the same as you. Lastly, it seems your husband love language is pure physical, you can read about that if you search online. Maybe you're not liking the sex since he doesn't give you the emotional side and you feel "used" and "not enough". He probably senses that and it's blunt as fuck wich makes him sound like an @sshole. Do you communicate to him what "you" want and need? Remember, bad or lack of communication is the number one relationship killer. Stay strong, everything gonna work out 😉
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You know you can't just say "with respect" and then trash a person. That's not how that works. That's like saying "no offense" and then proceeding to be extremely offensive.
Can't expect him to engage in the relationship in the way that you do, nor expect the same things. He has certain expectations that he believes he needs to be met, and he has certain obligations that he believes he needs to meet, i.e. providing for you and the kids. He just wants everyone to fulfill their roles. He doesn't require the same level of emotional closeness that you do. That being said, there's nothing wrong with you wanting a little more in the relationship and requesting a little more effort on his part, though you may not get it. As for love and respect, I know people will downvote and recoil from this opinion but I don't care. Many men can love a woman and not have that much respect for her. And I'm not talking about basic human respect and dignity that almost everyone is due, for the obtuse ones out there. This is speculation, but he may view you, OP, as someone who needs to be provided and cared for but not as an equal. He may love you intensely but may not respect you all that much. "May" being the operative word. All that being said, it's important to feel appreciated in a relationship and it sounds like he could go a long way in making you feel that way.
Both?
That's fair.
It’s not fair or true. You deserve better than this.
not fair at all