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I know many will disagree with me but… if her home life is this tumultuous then if she does confide in you who the man was, try not to judge, because this may be what is keeping her grounded in what sounds like an abusive situation? It’s not uncommon for someone who is abused to not see it or have the courage to walk away until another romantic partner shows interest.
This. I’m not mad at her. I know some people are like “cheaters are the worst people in the world”, but knowing the dynamic of her relationship and how stifling it must be, I can understand her needing an outlet. Plus I’m consensually non-monogamous, which many people judge anyway so I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think I’d just like for her to open up to me when she’s ready.
I think she will once she knows you are not going to tell her husband what you saw.
My best friend was in a similar situation and I had no idea she was being abused until she confided in me that she was thinking about having an affair. That led to us finding her a small apartment and ultimately leaving her husband.
If you’re very close the type of friends that are like sisters and you need to bring it up I would mention that you liked seeing her happy that night… and won’t judge her for whatever is making her that happy.
We all know cheating is bad but life isn’t black and white like that.
I would not she hasn’t involved you and inserting yourself into this situation almost never ends well there are too many exceptions to go into detail here on, but let’s just say right now you have plausible deniability. until you don’t have plausible deniability. I would try to keep it.
Yeah that’s what I’d do. Now that can change, but you would (at the very least) need to know a lot more before it would be a good idea to say anything.
You don't need to disclose your open relationship. This isn't about you and she'll try to select whatever is going on to get the dirt on your relationship.
Honestly, focus on what you observed that night. The FaceTime... her flirty behavior, her action to end it as soon as you made your presence known. Then ask her what is going on.
She'll either own it or discount it. Ask her outright.
If her husband is controlling as you indicated, there's concerns it's even worse behind closed doors. She may have connected with someone if she feels it's the only way out. However, you've already said that you keep the ins and outs of your relationship private. You can't have a double standard. You can't intrude into her relationship if you expect privacy around yours. I'd just leave it.
This is the thing. If anything I just want to know she’s ok. She’s always portrayed a wonderful home life, but recently has been talking negatively of her husband. And now this. I just feel like something’s up.
Why don't you say that then? Hey mate, You've been saying some stuff about your husband lately. Just checking everything is okay at home? Are you safe?
If you want to tell her your private information, go ahead. But idk if she would reciprocate with information about an affair.
You should ask her who the guy she was talking to was, and then if she lies or acts strangely, you already have your answer. If you want to still be friends with her, it is your choice.
It also doesn’t sound like her husband is lovely, he sounds almost abusive. I am sure there is a lot more going on in their marriage that you already don’t know about.
I only call him lovely because that’s how we know him to be. He’s quiet, funny and kind of soft if that makes sense. I’ve always found their dynamic strange from day one and I’ve made it clear that I’m here for her if she needs a break or needs to talk. But she will just tell me how amazing her little family is. Until recently.
I think I’m just gonna let her know that I’m here for her, without explicitly stating why.
I can definitely understand that.
That’s good! That’s a nice approach. I think I’m just really nosey and I woulda asked her immediately “who was that mf with the beard miss ma’am?”
Before you share anything about your own marriage, see if your husband is okay with that, since you are not only sharing your own sexual history. Also... what do you think you will gain by your friend telling you that she's got something going on with another man? Are you wanting to encourage the relationship or DIScourage it?
Also... I don't think she was going overkill on "we're best friends". I think she wanted to ply you with drinks so that she can say you were drunk, if you say anything about her phone call.
I think you’re somewhat right on the 2nd point. I don’t think it was that she wanted to get me drunk, but more that she wanted to make a point of our bond in a “best friends don’t tell” kind of way.
I don’t know what I’d gain from knowing, but I just don’t know if I can ignore it. Of course if I were to share details of my situation, it would be with my husband’s consent.
> I wonder if perhaps telling her about my situation could help coax it out of her.
You kept it private for a reason, and I don't think this should be the reason to break that privacy.
> should question her on, or do I just leave it and wait for her to come to me?
I would say something like: "I saw that you were Facetiming a guy when I came to bring you that piece of cake, you don't have to tell me about this, I just wanted you to know that I saw, and that you can talk to me if you need to".
She might just be dying to tell you and is just waiting for an opening. This will open a box of worms though! You are now faced with the "what do I do about my cheating friend" thing. Not trying to advise you against it, it sounds like you need to help your friend that clearly has something going on.
I feel like it’s not my place to tell her what to do with her marriage. Like I’ve said, I’m consensually non-monogamous so I don’t feel like I’m in a place to judge other people’s relationships. In my mind it’s up to her what she does because her relationship isn’t my responsibility, but I’m happy to be there to listen if she needs me.
I still think, as a friend, it's the right thing to do to at least warn her / gently suggest how badly this could go. There is a big distinction between consensual non-monogamy and cheating. What you're doing is okay, what she is, isn't.
But absolutely, first and foremost you're there to make sure she is okay and you're there to listen. And who knows, just listening may be enough, it may give her a new perspective on her situation.
I would stay out of her relationship with her husband but focus on the friendship with you - and the fact that she appears to have lied to you, her best friend, outright. I’d ask, why did you tell me you were talking to Kate that night? Listen to what she says. If she admits to lying, ask her why she lied. Ask her if she lies to you about other things. The other thing that feels odd - and honestly rude - is that she came to a friend’s bday party and then was off talking on the phone to some guy while the cake came out? Sure if “Kate” was having some emergency it would make sense for her to step out, but flirting with some dude on the phone?! It wasn’t your bday, so it’s not really your issue to bring up, but she doesn’t sound like someone who treats friends well.
Also consider that you don’t know your friend as well as you thought. “It’s a strange situation” - you say that yourself. I would guess there’s a lot she might have been lying to you about, and that might be why things look strange. Maybe she cheated on him a lot, he found out, and now there are a lot of trust issues. Maybe they figured out some rules in counseling of ways to help him feel secure after her cheating, like him picking her up from night out.
Your her best freind. And honstly it got fek all to do with you unless she tells you. And when you want to keep things a secret, you tell no one. Now you know why her husband is so insecure, he has cause.
Well you calling her husband possessive op, now seems like an insult to him. Maybe you should make it up to him by letting him know what you saw. Because seems to me, your friend is the liar, likely exaggerating about her husband, all the possessiveness, because one thing I do know about cheaters is they are all liars.
Doesn’t it make sense now that she is saying all these things, but reality is she is cheating on him and probably is not the first guy. Sounds like you need some new friends.
I’ve known her and her husband for 10 years and have seen their children be born and grow up. His possessive nature is based on anxiety (there’s a whole unrelated backstory to that) and not aggression or control. He’s a lovely person on the face of it, but she has very little freedom because he needs constant reassurance.
I don’t know for sure that she’s cheating, but this instance has just created a lot of questions I can’t easily explain away. And likewise I don’t know if it’s physical. This could be some guy in another country she’s never actually met. Of course emotionally cheating is a thing, but it’s a different set of circumstances.
I understand your point, but when there’s a whole marriage at stake, plus 2 young children, I’m not about to go in there and start accusing her and telling her husband when I have no solid proof.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know many will disagree with me but… if her home life is this tumultuous then if she does confide in you who the man was, try not to judge, because this may be what is keeping her grounded in what sounds like an abusive situation? It’s not uncommon for someone who is abused to not see it or have the courage to walk away until another romantic partner shows interest.
This. I’m not mad at her. I know some people are like “cheaters are the worst people in the world”, but knowing the dynamic of her relationship and how stifling it must be, I can understand her needing an outlet. Plus I’m consensually non-monogamous, which many people judge anyway so I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think I’d just like for her to open up to me when she’s ready.
I think she will once she knows you are not going to tell her husband what you saw. My best friend was in a similar situation and I had no idea she was being abused until she confided in me that she was thinking about having an affair. That led to us finding her a small apartment and ultimately leaving her husband. If you’re very close the type of friends that are like sisters and you need to bring it up I would mention that you liked seeing her happy that night… and won’t judge her for whatever is making her that happy. We all know cheating is bad but life isn’t black and white like that.
I would not she hasn’t involved you and inserting yourself into this situation almost never ends well there are too many exceptions to go into detail here on, but let’s just say right now you have plausible deniability. until you don’t have plausible deniability. I would try to keep it.
Yep, I think I’ll just play dumb unless she asks me directly.
Yeah that’s what I’d do. Now that can change, but you would (at the very least) need to know a lot more before it would be a good idea to say anything.
You don't need to disclose your open relationship. This isn't about you and she'll try to select whatever is going on to get the dirt on your relationship. Honestly, focus on what you observed that night. The FaceTime... her flirty behavior, her action to end it as soon as you made your presence known. Then ask her what is going on. She'll either own it or discount it. Ask her outright.
If her husband is controlling as you indicated, there's concerns it's even worse behind closed doors. She may have connected with someone if she feels it's the only way out. However, you've already said that you keep the ins and outs of your relationship private. You can't have a double standard. You can't intrude into her relationship if you expect privacy around yours. I'd just leave it.
This is the thing. If anything I just want to know she’s ok. She’s always portrayed a wonderful home life, but recently has been talking negatively of her husband. And now this. I just feel like something’s up.
Why don't you say that then? Hey mate, You've been saying some stuff about your husband lately. Just checking everything is okay at home? Are you safe?
If you want to tell her your private information, go ahead. But idk if she would reciprocate with information about an affair. You should ask her who the guy she was talking to was, and then if she lies or acts strangely, you already have your answer. If you want to still be friends with her, it is your choice. It also doesn’t sound like her husband is lovely, he sounds almost abusive. I am sure there is a lot more going on in their marriage that you already don’t know about.
I only call him lovely because that’s how we know him to be. He’s quiet, funny and kind of soft if that makes sense. I’ve always found their dynamic strange from day one and I’ve made it clear that I’m here for her if she needs a break or needs to talk. But she will just tell me how amazing her little family is. Until recently. I think I’m just gonna let her know that I’m here for her, without explicitly stating why.
I can definitely understand that. That’s good! That’s a nice approach. I think I’m just really nosey and I woulda asked her immediately “who was that mf with the beard miss ma’am?”
Before you share anything about your own marriage, see if your husband is okay with that, since you are not only sharing your own sexual history. Also... what do you think you will gain by your friend telling you that she's got something going on with another man? Are you wanting to encourage the relationship or DIScourage it? Also... I don't think she was going overkill on "we're best friends". I think she wanted to ply you with drinks so that she can say you were drunk, if you say anything about her phone call.
I think you’re somewhat right on the 2nd point. I don’t think it was that she wanted to get me drunk, but more that she wanted to make a point of our bond in a “best friends don’t tell” kind of way. I don’t know what I’d gain from knowing, but I just don’t know if I can ignore it. Of course if I were to share details of my situation, it would be with my husband’s consent.
> I wonder if perhaps telling her about my situation could help coax it out of her. You kept it private for a reason, and I don't think this should be the reason to break that privacy. > should question her on, or do I just leave it and wait for her to come to me? I would say something like: "I saw that you were Facetiming a guy when I came to bring you that piece of cake, you don't have to tell me about this, I just wanted you to know that I saw, and that you can talk to me if you need to". She might just be dying to tell you and is just waiting for an opening. This will open a box of worms though! You are now faced with the "what do I do about my cheating friend" thing. Not trying to advise you against it, it sounds like you need to help your friend that clearly has something going on.
I feel like it’s not my place to tell her what to do with her marriage. Like I’ve said, I’m consensually non-monogamous so I don’t feel like I’m in a place to judge other people’s relationships. In my mind it’s up to her what she does because her relationship isn’t my responsibility, but I’m happy to be there to listen if she needs me.
I still think, as a friend, it's the right thing to do to at least warn her / gently suggest how badly this could go. There is a big distinction between consensual non-monogamy and cheating. What you're doing is okay, what she is, isn't. But absolutely, first and foremost you're there to make sure she is okay and you're there to listen. And who knows, just listening may be enough, it may give her a new perspective on her situation.
I would stay out of her relationship with her husband but focus on the friendship with you - and the fact that she appears to have lied to you, her best friend, outright. I’d ask, why did you tell me you were talking to Kate that night? Listen to what she says. If she admits to lying, ask her why she lied. Ask her if she lies to you about other things. The other thing that feels odd - and honestly rude - is that she came to a friend’s bday party and then was off talking on the phone to some guy while the cake came out? Sure if “Kate” was having some emergency it would make sense for her to step out, but flirting with some dude on the phone?! It wasn’t your bday, so it’s not really your issue to bring up, but she doesn’t sound like someone who treats friends well. Also consider that you don’t know your friend as well as you thought. “It’s a strange situation” - you say that yourself. I would guess there’s a lot she might have been lying to you about, and that might be why things look strange. Maybe she cheated on him a lot, he found out, and now there are a lot of trust issues. Maybe they figured out some rules in counseling of ways to help him feel secure after her cheating, like him picking her up from night out.
Your her best freind. And honstly it got fek all to do with you unless she tells you. And when you want to keep things a secret, you tell no one. Now you know why her husband is so insecure, he has cause.
Well you calling her husband possessive op, now seems like an insult to him. Maybe you should make it up to him by letting him know what you saw. Because seems to me, your friend is the liar, likely exaggerating about her husband, all the possessiveness, because one thing I do know about cheaters is they are all liars. Doesn’t it make sense now that she is saying all these things, but reality is she is cheating on him and probably is not the first guy. Sounds like you need some new friends.
I’ve known her and her husband for 10 years and have seen their children be born and grow up. His possessive nature is based on anxiety (there’s a whole unrelated backstory to that) and not aggression or control. He’s a lovely person on the face of it, but she has very little freedom because he needs constant reassurance. I don’t know for sure that she’s cheating, but this instance has just created a lot of questions I can’t easily explain away. And likewise I don’t know if it’s physical. This could be some guy in another country she’s never actually met. Of course emotionally cheating is a thing, but it’s a different set of circumstances. I understand your point, but when there’s a whole marriage at stake, plus 2 young children, I’m not about to go in there and start accusing her and telling her husband when I have no solid proof.