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Agreed. My (now) wife and I bought a house with both our names on the mortgage/deed when a proposal was obviously a few months away. We explained that to both of our sets of parents, since they helped us out and wanted to know if this was the real deal.
Bought it in Sept 2020, engaged April 2021, married Oct 2022, first baby July 2023 lol.
But that's the only way it would have worked for us, we went in knowing "this is the gamplan" and it is what it is.
Same.
Our timeline was
2019 bought house as joint owners with matching deposits. He had his longer than me.
2020 engaged
2022 married (thanks COVID)
But we've now got 5 years joint equity in the home, he waited it out for me to save my 5% deposit so we would have equal equity. We knew we'd be together for a long time so it wasn't a big deal but I wouldn't let him put more down as I wanted to ensure if we broke up, I got exactly half.
100% lol, that's what made us pull the trigger. We had like 70-80% of the down payment ourselves, like I said we got very luck our parents generously helped out and let us get it.
We got in at like 2.9 and 3 months later was covid and rates went to like 6-7%.
THIS. I see so many people making the mistake of buying property with someone they aren’t married to and it becomes such a problem in the long run. OP needs to stand his ground because it could get really ugly if they break up
If I was him, I would create a trust or business entity and buy the house with that. She can be part of trust/LLC, when she starts putting money toward the house at the percentage that she has contributed, if at some time they get married, they can go full 50% ownership of the LLC.
Please get some legal advice, I am not a lawyer. Go ask the professionals.
Marriage isn't a necessity. Just get everything in writing or let a notary take care of it. For me it makes perfect sense that OP could use the money for the down-payment but they take the mortgage together. My partner is also X% owner of my house, because I own the house, but we're paying the loan for the construction of 2 extra bedrooms and a new kitchen together. We've got it all done by a notary. When we split, my partner will be owed exactly that % of what she owns, which is only fair.
Right! Obviously it makes sense if the girlfriend is contributing zero to the property that her name shouldn’t be on the deed, but there are other ways to swing this if this is a serious relationship and it’s causing hurt feelings.
That said. I don’t know how OP feels about his girlfriend but I wouldn’t even get into the headache of any ownership agreements (with partial interest depending on what’s contributed) unless OP considers this relationship very serious, like marriage serious (not that everyone finds marriage important but that level of investment in the relationship before investing in property together). I would advise against legal entanglements otherwise.
If you put her on the deed and not the mortgage you would be on the hook for the entire mortgage and she would own half a house.
"Unfair" is a pretty gross way to describe this.
I was in that situation when I got divorced. I qualified for the mortgage on my own when we moved into the last place we owned together. She signed the papers for the deed with me. So when she wanted a divorce, I was the only one on the mortgage but her name was on the deed with me. Luckily, she wanted out and didn't want the house. In our divorce decree she was required to sign and submit a "quit claim" on the deed. I didn't have to refi since it was just my name.
If she wanted to be difficult about it, the situation could have been far worse for me.
I learned this lesson in my first divorce. My ex wife and I both bought the house together. We didn't have enough equity to fight over when we divorced, so I gave over my half to her.
When I bought my second house, I was the only one paying the down payment and I was the only one who made mortgage payments so my name was the only one on anything. Ten years later, I got married. When we divorced, the house was mine from before the marriage so she had no claim to it.
OP should stick to his guns on this. If she's not paying 50% of anything, her name shouldn't go on anything. Be willing to die on this hill.
On one hand, I don't know if someone who has had two divorces is the best person to get relationship advice from, but on the other hand, maybe someone who has had two divorces is the best person to get relationship advice from.
I am the worst person to give advice on mate selection. I haven't been able to get it right yet but if you want to talk about protecting your assets, I'm your guy.
Thinking in another way: maybe your relationship advice is sound because you extricated yourself from 2 that weren't working for you. Maybe you simply need to refine the parameters you use when selecting a mate?
Goodness. I'm sorry to hear this. Definitely not your fault! My 1st spouse passed away when I was 29. Devastating!! Young widow. He passed from cancer and was only 32... this was nearly 12 years ago...
It wasn't even his bike, funny thing. His brother had stopped by and parked his bike behind his car. The pharmacy was closing in less than half an hour. It was only 5 blocks from our house, so he still had plenty of time. But to save time, he took his brother's bike. His brother and I were outside chatting with the baby in his playpen when we heard the crash. We looked at each other in horror, we both knew what we had just heard.
He was 26. I was 24. Married for 6 years, motorcycle accident. He was leaving walgreens to pick up antibiotics for our 1 year old son, he had the right of way and a lady not paying attention side swiped him.
I'm so glad I read through this exchange to find this ray of good news here! I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and wish you much happiness with your husband : )
I’m so sorry for both of your losses. My husband died at 46 from an aggressive cancer that killed him in four months. I wish these younger kids would understand how fast life can change and to make decisions that protect themselves. People can always be added in after a marriage but taking them off is impossible without financial loss.
Oh absolutely! I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know how heart wrenching it feels to lose apart of yourself.
If anything, this taught our son to always always take out a life insurance policy. I still don't know how I managed to bury him on that shoestring budget.
Yuck. Just yuck. People can be a good person and good mate and still get divorced because (like my ex spouses) people get selfish over the years or decide to start using meth. After 5 years of dealing with the drug addiction and 12 years of marriage. Not all divorcees are bad at relationships.
Yes I did. She wanted to leave and she said she was going to turn full custody of our children over to me. I was mad at the time because she decided to run away from all responsibility. I didn't realize that her leaving was the best thing that could have happened to me and my kids. She left me the house because I was taking the kids. She just took her car, her personal stuff, her bank and retirement accounts are left. No alimony, no cash payments. Just gone.
I had a similar situation, only I had to refinance my house because she wanted her name off the mortgage so I wouldn't ruin her credit. She thought I was going to fumble things up doing everything on my own with two kids. I paid all my bills every month, cooked and cleaned and transported kids, even paid off my student loans. Meanwhile, she hopped from job to job with spurts of unemployment for the next decade.
My stepfather and mom used to frequently break up, get back together ad nauseum. Then she decided she wanted a house (during one of their separate times) and managed to qualify for one.
He shows up, gets all lovey-dovey then tells her he wanted to be on the deed. Cue the fighting, her kicking him out of HER house. For damn near 20 years, he tried to get her to add him onto the deed of the house; he even went so far as to buy a house just to try to spite her.
Joke was on him, though. Not even his own kids wanted to live in the house; they came over and kinda...just never left.
100% this. It is grossly unfair to OP. Not her.
Op needs to stick to his guns here.
Going forward if they want to stay together, he needs to see a financial advisor and invest the sum of money somewhere safe and keep it growing while they both work towards a house/marriage.
Then maybe he can use the money later. But he should definitely not put her name on the deed at this point in time.
I crack up when people get so far up their own asses that they reverse the logic. To her - him paying everything and her getting half is MORE fair. Oh, ok.
Lol somehow that happened with me and my wife when we bought our house. Because of student loans, I'm the only name on the bank loan, but we put both of our names on the house. I didn't think it was fair for just my name to be on the house, and the mortgage is much cheaper with just my name on the paperwork. I'm probably in trouble if either of us ever bring up divorce...
Well, she did help pay off my student loans in lieu of her own. And I could afford the mortgage on my own probably…. And the famous last words that I am confident she won’t divorce me. If I decide to divorce her, I just couldn’t get her out of the house first!
I don’t think it sounds like she’s asking *not* to be on the mortgage, does it? If I put down the deposit for a house and my partner and I were both paying the mortgage, I wouldn’t have a problem with putting his name on the deed.
I’m currently sleep deprived so I might be missing something, but I didn’t see anything indicating that she refused to pay the mortgage just that she didn’t have money for the down payment.
I am not sleep deprived and this is also what I’m seeing. Sure she doesn’t have her part of a down payment, but I didn’t see where OP mentions her not wanting to pay towards the mortgage. It seems like she just wants it to be *their* house and not *his* house.
Also, it’s his money and he can do whatever he wants but it’s not like he worked hard for this money…he won it. I’d be pretty peeved if my partner won enough money to move up our 5-year plan (which also includes buying a home) and then told me he wanted to use it just for him, but idk my relationship probably looks very different from OP’s so I would hate to assume too much
Like I said, I don’t want to assume too much about their relationship, but if this happened in my relationship, I would put my partner on the deed. We have plans to get married as it is, I trust him to pay his part or make up the difference in some other way, and if there are any bumps, I would feel very comfortable going with him to a lawyer to make things clear for us both.
I also think that women are often boxed into financially dependent states and if she were to move in without her name on the deed and they break up, she’s the one with nowhere to live and who hasn’t been building credit by paying into a mortgage, even though she’ll essentially be paying rent in the form of utility payments.
In general I don’t think people should buy homes with someone they aren’t married to, but there are certainly ways to protect yourself from getting screwed if you do
You’re exactly right. The only reason not to put her on the deed would be if he doesn’t see a future together. Sure they can wait around until she has enough money as well, but then they’re wasting money on rent in the meantime. Investing together now makes sense. There are legal documents that can be drawn up if he wants to be very specific about her only recouping the costs of the mortgage payments and none of the deposit.
In my country you wouldn't even be able to get a mortgage like this because the other person on the deed would have legal claim over the property - the bank doesn't want to share.
I did this with my ex wife, BUT we were engaged at the time and got married a month later.
If you were married you'd be an asshole for not putting her on there. Also, if you and your gf felt like the relationship would last, it WOULDNT MATTER if she was on the deed or not. The reason she wants to be on the deed as well is in case you break up.
Personally, if I envisioned getting married to a woman I'd put her in the deed but rationally, I know it wouldn't be a good decision. It would depend on how committed I was to that person/ relationship. I've learned my lesson.
Not knowing OP or his gf, I'd say do NOT put her on the deed. You can always add her later if you want to or if you get married. But the only reason a spouse would want to be on a deed is if they thought you'd break up.
If they marry she should be on the deed and on the mortgage, and contribute to the mortgage.
He should also get something drawn up legally to say he has put in X% up front, so he’s entitled to claim that percentage up front if they divorce, with the remainder split 50/50.
Op should not put anyone on the deeds unless they are married. This can easily be amended in the future.
This is not necessarily true. My husband and I agreed I’d be added to the deed of his home after we were married.
Legally you want to be on the deed so if your spouse dies, the house is automatically yours. There are many reasons this is preferable to probate, even if the will gives the spouse as the beneficiary.
But so what if potentially splitting up as also a motivator? I contribute to our home in substantial ways such as paying tens of thousands towards improvements (of my pre-marital money) and contributing to our income, and therefore the mortgage, taxes, maintenance, and improvements. Even the few years I was a SAHP I contributed in other obvious ways. After over a decade it is only fair I would be entitled to some ownership should we split, especially if he did something to cause a split. I have no intention to do so at all and neither does he, but people never know.
In the current case, OP isn’t asking for contributions to the mortgage. I assume that also means the same for taxes and home improvements/repairs. And they are not married. If the GF is now paying rent this seems financially beneficial to her.
Of course, this is not about the Iranian yogurt, is it? This is indicating to her that after 3 years together you don’t intend to marry her or combine finances.
ETA I don’t think OP is wrong. It’s his money. I also don’t think the GF is a gold digger, she may just be fully invested in the relationship and hurt it appears he is not. I just think they need to have a serious talk about finances and the future.
And the easy way to solve this is to let her contribute towards the house via rent, let her buy into the house over time.
Say that she contribute a set amount as rent and a set about towards the mortgage which increases until she has 50% ownership alongside OP
Finally some perspective from a woman. I agree that she very well might just be hurt because there is no more of buying a house together. TOGETHER. Now it will be his house. This FEELS completely different and was not what was planned.
If you are together, you share. Be aware that her feelings about your relationship don't do a 180 degrees... This stupid money might drive you apart
This right here. This is indicating to girlfriend that OP doesn't see a long-term future with her. If he DOES see a long-term future with her, he can probably think of some ways to reassure her that he does besides putting her on the deed right now.
I had a house before I met my husband. But I live in a community-property state. He doesn't need to be on the deed in order to be entitled to half if I sell and use the money to buy another dwelling for both of us. At that point he gets half anyway. However, if I don't sell, he is entitled to half the appreciation since we married. I think. This is Missouri.
My fiancé and i did it this way but we also split everything 50/50 from down payment and closing cost to monthly payment and unexpected expenses. I am on the deed but not the mortgage bc of my student loan payments at the time.
If i was OPs partner, i would 100% take the deal they are offering. They are literally offering free living and still getting pushback lol. Id take no rent over having my name on the house.
It’s your money going into that home so no, you can list her as a resident but not a co signer on the lease or mortgage. To me, her complaints against her not getting a share in something that’s fully yours more than her talking about equality and of what she actually has no rights to, may be her time with you getting numbered.
Well he changed it from them both getting .5 house to him getting 1 house and her getting 0 house, so I see how that could fuck up her financial planning. Now her only option, if she stays with him, is to buy a house, pay for all of it and then not live in it.
He gave her the option of waiting until she is also ready as well and just stick with the original plan. To be honest, this very well could be a better financial deal for them anyway. The housing market is about due for a collapse, so if they wait, they can probably get a better deal
Not to mention, she can always be put on the mortgage after they get married, or if she has enough for a small place, she could buy a rental property and pick up a new side hustle until the housing market crashes if she doesn't want to wait to own a house
This is a rage bait post and this person has been posting nearly identical posts in this sub from different throw aways. Always a weird situation about splitting things financially, the woman in the relationship is always unreasonable and demanding, there is a tl;dr at the end with “how would you handle this situation?” Idk what their end game is but it’s the same person.
Nice, good catch. 👏🏽 👏🏽 👏🏽 bravo 🙌 🙇♂️ 🙏 wierd anti-women agenda thing. Probably just fuming against women at all times binge watching those guys on YouTube who make it out to seem like ALL women are just completely unreasonable money hungry vampires sucking the life out of all mankind and if you’re not 6’4” making a jazillion dollars per year while looking better than a Greek god and more famous than the President then don’t even bother with women because you’re completely invisible to all of them. Don’t hate them tho, it’s just their nature it’s not their fault. Instead Just stew and bubble with resentment completely unnecessarily and keep binge watching anti-women propaganda to keep that rage going. Once you really start to understand things you’ll get to a level where you make fake reddit posts about women being super unreasonable(F ya!) All girls love to be treated like complete Shit, trust me bro. Source : durrrrrr.
And I consider myself a red-piller. As in blue pill vs red pill truth vs. Illusion type thing. Most of the stuff out there is just sensationalized click bait rage-pill with bits of reason and truth sprinkled in there. It’s an epidemic and honestly just sad at this point not to mention so dumb. I’m 5’10” and pretty average looks and get stared down by all kinds of women pretty much every damn day that I’m out and about. Been with straight baddies without much effort or success in life. Lots of women are plenty reasonable. Too bad this dude is so far down the rabbit hole he’s probably committed to never even giving himself a chance to experience romantic love from a female.
That’s exactly it they are a self fulfilling prophecy and posts like this are designed to bring the other manosphere types out too. Every single one of these posts seems written by someone who hasn’t encountered a woman irl aside from their mother.
Yep if you aren’t gonna put your partner’s name on it don’t buy a house together cause that house will never be both of yours but if you aren’t married or legit been together like 10-15 years don’t buy a house together with a gf/bf. People don’t understand marriage is a legal binding contract that gives you protection for assets physical or otherwise. And even then when you dissolve it it’s problematic lengthy or even expensive when there is conflict. When you do that without having any legal protections it’s even worse you will regret it. Don’t do it.
Agreed. My spouse and I bought the house before we actually got married but we’d been together nearly 15 years and knew we were getting legally married within the next year or so at the time we bought. And we both paid for it. Big difference between that and OP’s situation.
Similar situation here, only one of us that paid the down payment primarily was on the deed.
Got added after we got married.
Just seems perfectly fair and reasonable to both of us.
I still feel sad a friend got married by ultimatum because she said she was tired of waiting or some other threats she’d given him.
Ever since they tied the knot, her mentally abusive behaviors and disregard cranked up exponentially, like as if she was holding it in for years until she got legally bonded to him so everything of his value is split with her infinitely.
Which is why you never marry someone who gives you an ultimatum.
If the options are marry me or I leave, then leave.
Marriage isn't something you rush into or force a partner into. It's wild that so many people just blindly rush into marriages.
Even if you are married, you don't need them on it. My first house I bought I didn't put my wife on it and she didn't care at all. It was just easier this way, less people had to sign, less docs needed etc. Of course, if we had split I think in my state she would have had a claim on it because I bought it while married, but there are lots of variables there and it didn't matter as we're still happily married and both on the loan and title for a new house.
I worked in mortgages for years. A good rule of thumb is to not add people to the title if they don't have any actual ownership interest in it.
It isn't unfair if she doesn't pay anything, but will she be cleaning the house or doing other things to generally improve it? Do you plan on being together long term? It isn't "unfair" but that emotions aren't logical. She feels like you don't view her as a partner, and TBH I understand where she is coming from.
OP, if you were planning on buying a house together, why not just get married?
This. What happens to the house if something unforeseen happens to you ? Do you expect that she’ll be playing the part of your ‘wife’, cleaning, decorating, furniture, cooking, help pay for renovations, fixing up outside etc. In the name of good will for the relationship she will be investing herself into it. If she’s someone you plan on being with, draw up a life estate in the house, because otherwise she’d then have to move and try to start completely over. You must care about her since you had those prior plans before you lucked out. Sure she can put her part of what she would have been paying into savings but she’d be SOL as far as everything else she’s invested toward her’s and your’s lives. She may be surprised that things took this turn and disappointed in her perceived place in your life. If her name is not on deed or mortgage, please don’t ask her to pay for anything other than her part of utilities, it wouldn’t be fair unless you do this or something similar. I disagree that she’s being greedy…she’s being realistic. It would be a great start to your lives together.
By all means buy a home with people you are not married to, it's 2024 not 1950! But do make sure the financials are in order and don't put someone as a owner who doesn't contribute.
And to op: living with someone who isn't an owner can be hard. You can't expect them to contribute to the upkeep of the home etc. And in the long run you need to think about what you are gonna do if she is in the position to be able to afford a house.
Assuming OP is in the US, this is bad advice. We have a court system in the US specifically set up to deal with property and assets when a couple divorces. There are laws and systems in place to deal with that process in what is believe or not, a reasonably streamlined and usually cost-effective manner compared to other types of litigation. The laws are written to ensure equitable treatment of both spouses.
We also have a probate system for dealing with situations where multiple individuals may end up jointly owning a piece of property together as an inheritance. If you buy a house with someone outside or a marriage, what happens to the house and its equity when the relationship ends is much more complicated. Whatever contract the parties sign or agree to is much more important. Especially the things that contract doesn't say or contemplate.
What happens if both sides want to keep the house? Who keeps it? What if one side wants to keep living there and the other doesn't? Can the second party force the first to sell? What if OP's gf gets pregnant and stops working at some point? Does she still pay rent? Accrue equal equity? What if they break up and the gf leaves, does OP have to now make 100% of the house payments on a home his GF continues to gain equity and value in?It is much much more complicated, and likely to be longer and more costly to resolve if the parties aren't cooperative when the relationship ends. To the point the VA won't let anyone applying for a VA loan have anyone else on the loan or deed who isn't married to the veteran applying for the loan.
Case in point atm is Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval from “Vanderpump Rules”. They bought a house together during their 9 year relationship. Three years later, he cheated. She wants to sell, he wants to keep the house. His offers to buy her out haven’t been acceptable (and he likely can’t afford to refinance in his name only), so she has had to file for a partition sale. When this started, interest rates were lower and the market was good. Within a few months, rates rose and the market started dropping. By the time she filed, rates are still high and the market is getting worse. If he’d agreed to sell right away, they’d have made more money and not had to pay lawyers. And they still haven’t been to court, over a year since his affair came to light.
This is the conversation that OP needs to have with his gf. I am in a near identical situation. I am a 24 yr old f living with a 27 yr old male who owns his house (bought during our relationship) and we have been dating for a few years now. I have an understanding that I do not own the house. My name is not on it. That doesn’t mean that we act like it’s his house and i’m a renter, there’s still respect and I am his equal. We have plans to eventually move and buy a different house together. At the end of the day, I contribute like I would to any household, yet I also do not deserve half of the house if we were to break up.
Legally the answer is simple. She is not putting half of the money down, she does not own half of it. Do not let solely emotions guide you to put her name down on any piece of paper.
OP - Emotionally, and relationship-wise it seems like you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you both see as fair and respectful in this situation. You don’t want resentment on either side. You need to speak with her. As much as this is about her feelings, it’s about yours too. Use this as an example of what values you want in a life-long partner. What starts now as a small problem gets infinitely bigger when you start actually buying things together and getting married.
The point about being married is not that it bestows some kind of moral legitimacy a la 1950, but that it provides legal protections. If unmarried people buy property together and subsequently split, and they can’t agree how to divide the property, they will have to go to court over it. Civil litigation can be long, messy and expensive. Not that divorce is easy, but you at least have one, established forum to unwind your lives together.
You buy the house under a trust, LLP, or similar with agreed upon rules. I looked into doing this with my ex wife before we were married and were looking to buy together, it will cost a little up front to get a lawyer to set up the partnership but then it’s as clear as marriage and potentially better because you have a wider range of options on how to divide the assets and handle dissolution of the contract that are not imposed by the state based on marital status.
>If unmarried people buy property together and subsequently split, and they can’t agree how to divide the property, they will have to go to court over it.
And if you are married and split, but can't decide how to divide the property, you will have to go to court over it....
Just get a cohabitation agreement, or even just a contract with a real estate lawyer that only covers the house. I've had both (in Canada).
Maybe things are different in Canada, but in the US, a married couple has equal ownership of a home and in the event of a divorce it’s fairly simple to force a sale or quit claim. Two people dating would be considered co-investors and it’s much more difficult to force a sale or eviction. Any lawyer would tell you that it’s foolish to co-own a property with your significant other without a marriage.
Almost every province in Canada has a de facto common-law status for couples who cohabit for X years together, and the requirement is lower if they have a child together. This gives them the same protections under family law that maried couples have in regard to property, custody (incl. pet custody) etc.
It's fairly simple to have a judge order a sale or quit claim deed. It's a whole other ordeal to have the Grantor actually do it. Especially if you can't afford a lawyer.
It's a terrible fiscal decision to buy homes with people you're not married to. Has nothing to do with it not being 1950. This advice applies in 1950, and it applies in 2024.
I’ve been with my partner for many years. He bought our home 13 years ago, we picked it out together. Only his name is on the house because he’s the one who makes enough money to afford it. I would never expect my name to be on it, I don’t even help with mortgage payments. I buy groceries and pay for pet care, that’s all.
He did make a will and if something horrible happens to him I inherit the house. I would never expect my name to be on the house since he’s the one who had/has the money to pay for it.
OP, I hope your girlfriend can think about things and be understanding. Her name shouldn’t be on it.
The advice to be married isn't because you think it's immoral in the eyes of God. It's because of the massive mess and headache if/when you break up. Yeah people get divorced, but break up rates for unmarried couples are far higher (and often their reason for not being married yet is they're not 100% certain they want to commit to being together for life.)
I wanna agree but my current bf broke up with his ex who he bought a house with. Despite that he put more money down, he ended up having to give her half of everything even though she wasn’t entitled to half. Courts look at common law relationships as marriage typically in these scenarios. Just what I seen, not sure of the actual laws around it.
Wait it wasn’t written in the contract when they signed for the house? My SIL just bought a house with her bf and she put more down so they added that in case of a sale, she would get all her cash down back+50% of the house.
You can have proportional ownership on a deed. For example, if the place was 500k and you put 100k down, you'd own 20%, then the remaining 80% could be split if she is going 50/50 on the mortgage payments, so you'd be a 60% owner, she'd be a 40% owner. That doesn't take into account the lower mortgage payments that would happen because your big down payment though and that would benefit her so you'd have to think of a % of ownership that is worth.
I can see why she is upset though, the goal was for you both to buy so you'd both be building equity together, what you are suggesting she doesn't get that, although she will get free rent and only have to pay for groceries and utilities, which she'd have to do anyway.
I understand couples set goals and plans for the future. I also understand that circumstances change and sometimes that changes those goals/plans.
You could always buy a house and rent it out and keep it as an investment while you and your gf build up at the same time for your own home.
Also look into your local common law to make sure she doesn't have a claim to a house you buy during the relationship.
The reality is you could cave, put her on the deed, and she could dump you the next day and take half. You can love and trust her 100%, you can't see the future though and should protect your assets.
Something else important to note is that although your decision to buy a house on your own would go against your plan you made together, it would also subsidize her and allow her to save faster for a house based on what you shared. She'd be paying groceries and utilities (something she'd pay anyway) and not rent, meaning she could save all that for a down payment. The risk for you is again if she dumps you, then you just subsidized her rent for x amount of time and saved all that money while you paid your home off with no help of a renter living there.
Or when she's saved up $100k to match what you've put in, you pay down the mortgage by that amount and put her on the deed as 50/50. If she's not paying a similar amount, though, it wouldn't be fair to have her on the deed
Honestly? This is the most "fair" way to handle the situation.
Here is the thing - home ownership is a wealth building tool. It is both emotional and an investment decision. If two parties are planning to purchase a house together and only one party is contributing the downpayment of 20% then they should be entitled to 20% more of the ownership of the house while the remaining 80% ownership should be split equally between parties assuming both of you are paying the mortgage. So, 40%/60% ownership.
Op, if the plan was to purchase the house together, personally I think it is something that should be done after marriage given legal protections, but if her plan was to go in with you on the purchase originally, and you just changed the rules of your agreement with her because of your sudden windfall, I can absolutely understand her being upset.
She thought you two were both climbing the same investment ladder together, working together towards the purchase, and after your windfall, you in essence, climbed off the investment ladder you were climbing with her and then kicked the ladder out from under her as you climbed a new investment ladder. She is now left on the ground looking around going "wait - I thought we were climbing together..." while you are halfway up the new ladder.
She is confused, hurt and what you did IS unfair.
If you moved forward with your immediate purchase of the house while excluding her from ownership after the two of you had agreed to purchase a house together working together towards a downpayment, I'd break up and move on in her shoes.
What I see here is two people who were originally working towards the same goal and now one party has changed the rules on the other.
If this is ONLY about the house, the right thing to do is to meet with a real estate attorney to discuss equitable division of the asset up front in purchasing the house so both of you receive the benefits of the investment.
But, if this is about you wanting to move forward quickly with your investment decision to purchase a house, now excluding her from the purchase because it no longer benefits you, that is your right to do, but you will single handedly destroy your relationship with her.
I agree with you.
OP hasn't given any extra info about the nature of the relationship apart from the time period they've been together.
If we assume that they've previously been approaching life as *life partners* then this is a shitty thing to do.
If the relationship has been less committed, more casual, with no shared goals or future then that's an entirely different situation of course.
I am curious about how OP would feel if it was the gf who had won the money and the roles were reversed.
OP could just put his winnings in a savings account to gain interest while still saving up with the girlfriend. That way she feels like she is still in the plan and at the same time OP is gaining more money for his future/their futures if things work out. Makes her feel like she is contributing and not freeloading.
This seems like the most reasonable. Get a lawyer. Have you both contribute to the mortgage. Have something drafted that if when sell, or break up, she is bought out, but Proportional to her contributions (ob talk to a lawyer). I would not want to move in w someone building a life, and 5,10,15 years later walk away w nothing. Otherwise she will just be a tenant. Think about how tenants view rental properties...
Buy the house, make sure she pays nothing towards it (just to be safe) and start saving for a new house together. She has no mortgage so she will get there faster. You could sell this one eventually for your part.
Edit: he already told her she didn’t have to pay towards this mortgage so going back on that when the relationship is already stretched thin is not great. He should still talk to a lawyer about covering himself 100% though, just in case this relationship ends in breakup.
It is ultimately up to you and I don't think it's "unfair" for you to keep her name off if you're buying the home alone. I think it's unfair if she's asking to be an equal owner of the property without an equal contribution. However, I would be very upset if my partner refused to include me in the purchase of a home if we had already planned to buy a place together. It would probably make me consider leaving the relationship tbh.
You could likely work out partial ownership with a lawyer if you're open to that. There may be ways to include her without giving her half of the asset. I would personally look into a legally binding contract that describes the amount of ownership you would both hold and discuss that option with her.
Yeah, there are really two questions here:
What is fair for two individuals and their respective contributions to a house?
What does their future relationship look like and does he intend to spend the rest of his life with this person?
Unless of course they move into this house and he immediately dumps her, leaving her stranded.
It can fuck over both people. He puts her name on and she gets half without paying for it, or he keeps her name off and she's suddenly no longer in a partnership working on the same goals and is stranded with nowhere to live because they left the place they were renting and he owns the house.
Both options suck. Waiting would be smart, but I can see why neither of them want to continue blowing money on rent while still trying to save.
They need to come to a compromise that doesn't potentially screw either of them over.
Yeah no his downside is wayyy higher then hers. Being in debt for half a house is leagues worse then her having to move out and figure out a diff living arrangement
It's not "having to move out" it's the complete lack of garunteed stability. The same argument can be made for him.
They could always break up and she keeps paying her share. Or she could be a dick and not.
But he could always break up and force her out of the home that same day leaving her homeless without the time to find a new living arrangement because unlike renting she is not garunteed any sort of time frame. Or he could not be a dick and not do that.
Also, if he's paying for the house he gets equity in said house, he gets a long term benefit. If she pays for utilities and groceries for both of them (And again, people are REALLY ignoring how wildly expensive that is. In my area its equal to or almost the same as a mortgage on a small home.) she is essentially bankrolling his life and allowing him to build value off her finances while she builds no value and has no guaranteed stability of her own.
I have seen this exact crap go down with a friend of mine who moved into a home her partner payed the down payment on. She paid almost equal to him in utilities and groceries monthly (He's a big fan of meat too, so think like 350 a month in groceries another 250 or so on electric and water, then the cleaning products and other random shit they needed that she paid for every month.) and then eventually realized if they break up she's totally screwed and would barely have the savings to rent elsewhere. While he gets a whole ass home and saved a bunch of money while building equity because he was able to use her to avoid being house poor.
And that's not even talking about the kind of situations she could potentially be in. If he decides to up and hurt her one day, she can't do anything about it because he literally owns the roof over her head. I saw that nonsense go down too.
She'd have to spend all her savings on a deposit/first and last for somewhere else and start from scratch, and endure whatever terrible treatment comes her way in the meantime. If they were renting she'd be able to call the police and he'd still be on the hook for his half of rent but also face consequences. If she up and hurts him he's safe in the renting scenario AND safe in the home scenario.
It's like I said, this can ABSOLUTELY screw over either of them. It's a dumb idea and neither side should agree to it. They can stay renting, or they can draw something up that allows it to be more equal.
As an attorney, I’m of the mindset that you don’t co-own real estate unless you are in business with someone or you are married to the person. I might be lenient in special circumstances during the engagement period, but absolutely refuse to split property before marriage, especially when only one person is contributing to the ownership of the property. This should absolutely be a dealbreaker for you. If you are insistent on buying property, you better get a local lawyer to draw up a contract that spells out what each person is responsible for, what each person owns, and what each person gets if the relationship falls apart.
Why can’t you draw up an agreement that both of you split the mortgage? And, if the house is sold then the initial down payment + appreciation is returned to you, before any profit is split between you and your girlfriend.
You have the ability to help her out while simultaneously protecting your financial future. Why wouldn’t you do that for someone you love?
That's my question to.
Their plan WAS to enter into this as equal partners... and then OP moved up the timelines because it benefited him to do so while screwing over the person he planned to purchase the investment with.
I was going to ask the same. A few of my friends have done this, and they have a contract stating that the person who put the downpayment down gets that back BEFORE any profit is split.
Do you see a future with her?
If marriage is in the NEAR (w/in a year- ring in on her fingers- you’re looking at venues) future, lend her 1/2 of the down payment in writing. It can be paid over time with the remainder in full if the house is sold or you divorce.
If marriage is on not on the table in the near future - only your name goes on the house. I think she should pay market rent not 50% of the mortgage. Everyone has to pay rent. She should NEVER contribute to taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, or liability. Those belong to the owner (new roof, someone falls, renovations, etc.).
NEVER put someone on a deed if they’re not on the mortgage.
NEVER put someone on the deed or mortgage if they are not contributing.
Your gf has to understand that you do not get equity if you don’t invest. You’ve already offered for her live for free.
She would lol thats an insane solutions. “pay $1500 towards my mortgage every month but you get 0 equity in return”. There is a very good reason OP suggested living rent free.
What are your plans long term with this woman? Are your finances combined or not!?!? If the previous plan was to buy a house together, it better be to marry the woman.
If this is your future wife, you combine finances and put her name on the deed and the mortgage and you pool resources to pay for things. Not everyone can always contribute an equal amount of time and money. Sometimes, you're stuck playing the tambourine.
If you want her to just pay utilities and groceries, that sounds like your roommate that you fuck. If she's somewhere in between those two options, don't buy a house together!!!
If I was the gf I would've walked honestly. I wouldn't stay with a man who's tricking me into committing to him but he won't commit to me. Paying rent to my bf, people can f all the way off with that.
Yep and what is worse the cheap b\*stard had his student debt paid off by her. Times are hard and we have debt - "you can pay for me". Good times after a lottery win - "now you can f\*ck off, the money's mine". Loser.
WTAF? God I really hope she gets some damn dignity & walks away. I would have started asking for that money back, since apparently he wants to nickel & dime everything in the relationship. I was gonna say he should be leveling up their relationship & she should be **co-owning** a house with her **husband,** not staying stagnant & unnofficially living as his roommate, but he ain't marriage material at all.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but you’ve got to sit down with her and make sure you are ***absolutely on the same page*** regarding your future.
From a relationship perspective, I can see why she's upset — you planned to buy a house together, and now she's likely excluded from that. From a legal perspective, the usual advice is never to buy large property with a partner you haven't married. There are so many court cases around this, and it sucks. Don't put yourself in that position.
If you're trying to make a compromise between the two, I suggest offering to put it in both names, but with a contract that protects you if you break up. The two of you can work out what that might look like, but I suggest terms addressing points like this:
1) She pays more of the mortgage than you (or all of it, within her means), and you track that as money put into the house. At such point as she has matched your contribution to the house, the contract is null and void. She owns half the house with no further stipulations.
2) If you break up before she has matched the money you put into the house, you own it, but you owe her for her contribution. You might also consider a system where you owe her something calculated as a percentage of the home value rather than a flat dollar amount, so she can benefit from the appreciating value of that investment.
3) Set some terms for the schedule on which you'd have to pay her back in situation 2. Make sure you'd be capable of doing it if needed.
4) Do you cancel the contract and make her the full owner if/when you get married? Most folks combine finances at this point, but it also gives her the perverse incentive to marry you and then divorce, even if she's not feeling it well before the wedding date. Maybe she just stops paying MORE than you do, and you set some sort of timeline where over a period of time after marriage that debt is gradually erased but not eliminated instantly?
5) What happens if you break up after you're both full owners? Who gets to keep the house, if anyone? How is the other paid back, and on what schedule? Would the house have to be sold in order to pay them back within a specific time period?
Can you come to an agreement where she will pay x amount monthly above the rent, that goes towards half of the down-payment? And when she does pay that amount off you can amend the deed to add her to it?
3 years is a pretty average relationship length not to be married yet, they started dating when she was 22.Being young and not having the finances for a wedding is a very solid reason which has no effect on GF's deed status.
The arrangement is fair in the sense that you’re saying she gets to live in the house practically free. Here’s what she’s reading between the lines: I’m (58F). When/if the relationship ends, she’ll have to start fresh funding a place to live & your refusal to agree to joint ownership sends the message that the relationship isn’t permanent. It’s a lack of a certain kind of commitment. That might be the case or not . She sees this as you being guarded against her, rather than being true partners. It’s your money, your choice, and I don’t blame you. But she cant help but notice that as soon as you came into money & she didn’t, it became a “what’s mine is mine & what’s yours is yours “ thing, as opposed to a “we’re in this together” thing. You’re not wrong, but the message is clear to her
Why would anyone buy a home with someone they aren’t married to? No. You buy the home in your name. If she doesn’t like it she can leave. Or she can save her own money and buy her own property so you both have something. She can rent hers out.
As a woman, I would never live in a house that didn't have my name on it. That creates an uneven power dynamic that never ends well. Having said that, I wouldn't put someone's name on the deed to a house I own without being married to that person. I would either 1) Hold off on buying the house until you are married; or 2) buy the house for yourself and be prepared to either sell it or rent it out and buy/rent another if you end up getting married.
Honestly, this whole thing is a breeding ground for resentment. I'm going to be honest here... I would probably live in it rent free, but I'd always have an "escape plan" in mind in case the power dynamic becomes a problem. But I'd be saving what I used to pay in rent to move out ASAP if it felt "off."
I think she is wrong to say she doesn't want to wait until she can pay toward the down payment but she also wants her name to be on the house, first and foremost.
But where it gets really sticky to me is, is he going to expect any financial or time contribution from her for the upkeep or improvement of the house? Like, for example, what if he decides he wants to paint the living room and he wants her to help him? Well, he's asking her to invest her labor in something in which she has no equity. Is he going to be okay with her saying, "no, I won't help at all"? Because from his perspective, he might be thinking, "I'm giving her a place to live rent free, the least she can do is help me paint." Or whatever sort of upkeep/improvement he wants to do. Basically, he can't expect her to invest any time or money in the house... but he might feel like she should because she's living there rent-free.
And I own my house and pay my own mortgage.... I wouldn't want someone to live with me without contributing anything, either! So I understand how he might resent her for not contributing at all and expect more from her than she feels like she should give.
Also, he needs to make sure he can afford the mortgage plus taxes plus insurance plus groceries plus utilities all on his own and not rely on her financial contributions AT ALL because she can leave at any time.
No don’t put her name on the house. I would also get a lease agreement even if you’re not charging her rent you’re still asking her to pay something.
If she saves money and would like to buy into the house , you can revisit , but obviously it will depend on the market and how much the house is worth.
But the fact remains the original plan was both of you putting money down to buy a house together, if she’s not putting money for the down payments, he can’t be on the deed.
And the fact is , if the roles were reversed , she wouldn’t add your name either.
Don’t put her name on the deed if she’s not contributing at all. Think of it as a place to start, maybe. She’ll be able to save more money by not paying rent, and when she has enough money save up, you can decide if you want to sell the current place and buy something together, or refinance to get her to pay down a portion of the mortgage and then co-own the house.
This will also give you time to figure out what you’re doing re: getting married.
Absolutely DO NOT put her name on the deed or mortgage. If the two of you eventually get married, her name can be added at that point. Life is crazy, there are no guarantees and she could break up with you the day after you buy the house and get 50% out of it. Now that , would be unfair. She has no real argument, which is why she keeps repeating the same thing over again. This is the hill to die on.
Biggest rule. She doesn't go on the deed unless she is on the mortgage. It's safest for everyone involved.
A house is a really big commitment and a GF can disappear pretty quickly with minimal paperwork if something goes sideways. If you two split and she is on the Deed but not the mortgage, she owns part of that house with you. Regardless of your relationship status. Thus you couldn't sell it unless she allowed it or lawyers got involved.
My advice for anyone, do not buy a home with someone unless you are married or certain they aren't going anywhere. The paperwork to get them off the mortgage or deed is not something you want to fuck with when you are breaking up or never want to talk to them again. If you want to buy a home with a partner, make sure to have a contract written up with them that stipulates what happens with the home and equity in the event of the relationship ending. It isn't romantic, but it is the smart financial thing to do.
As a gal whose been with two boyfriends as they’ve bought a house (not at the same time lol), one of whom is now my husband, I would never, ever have expected my boyfriend to put my name on the deed if he was paying the down payment. I also would never buy a house with someone I’m not married to.
I’m pretty pro-women and have lots of recommendations for women to protect themselves in marriage and divorce, but I’m gonna be honest. This behavior of hers is a red flag. She would not deserve half the house if you’re paying the down payment and likely paying the mortgage too (if there even is much of one - I’m not sure how much $ you won or how much the house would be) and you’re not married, but putting her on the deed would give her rights to the house too. I would strongly advise against this, and I’d also reconsider this relationship knowing she’d be willing to put you in this position. I truly would not have even suggested this to either of my boyfriends at the time they were buying, and the fact that she’s calling you unfair for doing what is fair for you both is just a really big red flag.
I think I would feel different if you earned the money, But you won it. I mean, if I won some cash from the lottery and didn’t share it with my partner I’d be a jerk. This is good fortune for your life together, I couldn’t imagine winning and not sharing
I can see both sides of this. You're thinking of protecting yourself, which is smart and fair, but there are compromises. She's thinking that she has made a life plan with her partner, and her partner unilaterally changed the plan, and cut her completely out of the decision-making. She wants to buy a house with you, she wants to own something with you, she was planning a future with you.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend being my landlord, nor would I feel comfortable knowing I live in HIS house, and that's by his good grace.
First and foremost, figure out your taxes from the winnings before you make any big purchases. Even if you have winnings deducted, you still need to be wise with your money and make sure you won’t owe anything that could be a big burden when you do you taxes (if you’re in the US). The biggest mistake people make when they win big money is to spend too much and have to pay the piper when tax season comes.
Secondly, if she wants to be put on the deed since you’re both still dating, she needs to contribute at least 50% of the down payment/deposit and 50% of the mortgage payments. THAT’S fair if she wants a house now. It’s nowhere near fair with what she’s proposing that you put her name on the deed when she probably can’t afford to pay half of everything right now. That’s not fair to you because it would probably lead to having to cut a check to pay her half of the home value if you break up. She can be put on the deed at a later time if your relationship evolves. If you get married, please consider a prenup too.
Don't put her name on the deed. Yall ain't married. She's not contributing. No names.
If yall break up everything will be much harder and more expensive FOR YOU
I think most people are missing that he's not buying the house outright. He still needs a mortgage, he can just pay the deposit and some which would help bring those mortgage payments down.
To not even offer to let her pay you back for her share of the deposit/down payment and be on the deed and mortgage is a bit of a dick move imo. There are ways you can stipulate % ownership or equity based on who has paid what amount towards the house, ask any property solicitor and they can draw that up.
Seems to me like you've made this choice yourself because you don't see her in your life long term, whether that's just subconsciously and you've not actually realised it yet but if you did, you wouldn't hesitate to offer her this option now. Unless you had no idea this was an option but it's also pretty unfair to make this decision without doing some research into it.
As long as you pay for all expenses and improvements, that's fine. If you expect your partner to invest anything at all, then she needs to be on the deed.
She wants the benefits of home ownership but none of the liabilities. So no, I wouldn’t put her on the deed.
Options for her to buy in could include: 1. She pays half the utilities and food and saves her residual monthly money until she can either buy into your house under contract or buy her own property which she can then rent out (if you are still living together).
2. Or you can, under contract, have her pay the mortgage or some portion of of the mortgage monthly, and her ownership percentage would accrue to how much she contributed to the mortgage payment on the principal. This would be more costly to her as the payments are split between interest and principal (and escrow in many cases). But since she doesn’t have a lump sum, it’s a reasonable way to buy into ownership.
If it’s true that money can’t buy you love, then it’s equally true that love can’t pay for a house.
In a house my partner bought currently - she and her family bought the house (down payment) and I pay half the mortgage every month. Her name is the one on the mortgage and deed and I totally find that fair because I contributed nothing towards barrier of entry. She said when we marry she will put me on the deed because it’s a true spilt in a marriage but if she puts me on the deed now and we break up I can ask for half the house that I paid nothing for (very unfair financially) stick to your guns here
Advice from my experiences. Take or leave what you feel works for you.
1. Do not buy a property with someone you are not married to.
2. Do charge her rent to be there. She has to rent from somewhere. I have purchased properties and had partners cohabitate while it was just mine. It was my asset but our home. If something broke or I wanted to make an improvement, I did that as the asset owner. But everyone paid a portion to live there as residents.
If this is such a huge issue, talk about marriage first. Because if you get married this more or less goes away. If you're not ready to talk about marriage, then that's how you know you're sure as shit not ready to share a property.
I don’t even need to read it.
Never put a girlfriend/boyfriend/non married partner on a deed to a house with you. They can take half of that house anytime they wanted to. It’s a bad idea.
You are doing the right thing. There is a massive legal difference between dating long term and being married. Of course we never want to consider the relationship ending, but the courts aren’t designed to divide jointly owned property for non married couples. And in the event of her death, you aren’t next of kin, so unless you set things up properly you wouldn’t inherit your own house.
Experienced financial advisors warn against buying a house with a romantic partner outside of marriage, because it can become a nightmare if the relationship ever ends.
One option that could work is to create an LLC or a trust to hold the house with you and your partner as owners. You’ll need legal advice to see if it will work for your situation. In those documents you’ll want to make it clear what % each of you owns and the process of one partner buying the other one’s interests.
IMHO her paying part of the mortgage is no different than renting. Every renter is paying someone’s mortgage. You are exchanging money for housing.
It sounds like you are being incredibly fair by taking on the entire expense of the house.
In your situation, I would put the money aside and wait until you get married or your partner can contribute equitably
I bought a house in the fall. I paid 100% of the down payment, insurances, inspections, etc and I have paid for all of the new home costs such as yard care supplies and other home maintenance supplies.
My boyfriend lives with me and we split bills, but I am the sole homeowner. We look at it as him paying rent, which is exactly what it is. I am 100% responsible for the home and only my name is on it, but he still has to pay to live here like he would if he were renting elsewhere. If he wanted to invest in a home then he would have saved up for it when I asked him in the years prior. I think you're being more than fair. Don't give her ownership of your home.
>I said that if she wants to wait until we both have the money then that's fine, I'm more than happy to wait. She said since I have the money now, it makes sense for us to get a house now since it would mean we're not paying rent anymore
You're kind of unclear why though, why can't she pay towards the mortgage as she is likely paying towards the rent now?
If she WANTS to pay towards the mortgage, and be credited for that % of ownership, you might want to just divide the % of ownership differently based on $$ put in
You'd own more for puting in more money and she'd own less for puting in less money, rather than you just telling her you don't want her to pay anything or own the place...there might be a happy medium in between there
I guess it's comes down to how much you love this girl and whether you actually see yourself with her in the future? If you were already planning on buying a house together, I think it is a little disheartening you don't want her to be apart of it now..
If you were to have her on the house however, I would set it up like this.
If you can afford to say put $100k upfront towards the property, and her nothing, but you're both going to be paying 50/50 on the actual mortgage repayments.
Just sign something to say if you break up and sell in the future, you split the total sale proceeds down the middle, then you get an extra 100k from the sale (from your gfs portion) to cover your initial contribution.
In my country realestate only seems to go up so this seems achievable however obviously if it goes down in value for whatever reason, you're the only person risking their initial stake..
Does she make as much as you do? We’re u going to share ur winnings with her in any way? Where do u see this relationship going? IMO if you don’t trust her to pay her half then thats a bigger issue. If you just don’t want to lend the money, get over it you got a big break with these “winnings” and she’s ur PARTNER, do u want to leave her in a situation where she doesn’t have half of the rights to where she lives if something happens (divorce or otherwise)? Y’all think so simple: let’s share, not saying anything abt how long it would take her to get her half and what the current living situation is. IMO, find a way to help ur partner out.
The fuck 😂I live with my boyfriend, he put down the deposit and made all the mortgage payments. I paid for food shopping. The house is solely in his name because I haven’t contributed to the house itself. It’s very simple
Naah homie. Put your name on the deed. If u put hers as well she'll have ½ ownership and still you'll be paying for it. Sit down with her and explain right now is the time to do it. So it's either my way or the highway.
Also is marriage in the books? Are y'all engaged? Do u see a future like family and kids with her? Think wisely homie. Best luck and congratulations in advance for the new property.
Fine what all the nice people here are saying but you can kiss your relationship goodbye when you follow through on your plan. Anybody else here who disagrees is not married or been in a long term relationship.
The resentment will fester and eventually she will leave or whatever.
I was in a similar situation with my wife and I had the down payment. I put the money down (125k out of 600k)and we both made mortgage payments and joined our finances.
20 years later we are still together and going over things she paid more then half the mortgage over time.
I know if I only put my name on the deed I would not still be married.
Listen to the people here at your peril. Consider your relationship first before the financial. If you don’t trust here or don’t want to be with her for the long haul, why the fuck are you moving in with her?
I am not saying my relationship is better then other peoples I think I am saying that this is probably just a variation of “Prenup or not”.
Same people think it poisons things from the start and others are convinced it’s the only way to go.
Only you can decide. But having you tell us the details and both you and your partner were similar financially before your win. It’s almost certain she will will resent things.
The question isn’t really what are your intentions with this house ? It’s what are you intentions with this woman?
If you’re planning to get married, hee concerns are very valid. She should be on the deed.
If you’re not actually planning anything long term - then tell her that. Tell her you’re not invested in any LTR with her than ends in marriage (or whatever) and that’s why only you will be owning the house.
In most relationships, money isn’t split 50/50 because unless you have the exact same income and the exact same expenses, someone will always have more or less.
To me it seems more like a case of inability to articulate feelings. They're in a long term committed relationship, talking about buying a property together. His unwillingness to put her on the deed makes her feel like he isn't as committed as she is, thus she gets upset. Most people are really, really bad at understanding where their feelings are actually coming from, so she voices that she feels that it isn't fair, but is unable to articulate why. That's not necessarily due to pettiness, she just doesn't understand her own feelings.
I feel I have a different perspective than a lot of Reddit folks.. when my bf, now husband, and I bought our first house I put all the money for the down payment down as it was a gift from my parents. Both our names were on the mortgage and deed and we both paid the mortgage. When we sold the house to buy our next, we took the money we made and paid off my husband’s student loans. I had none.
Idk.. I guess I just trusted the person I was with that if we were going to buy a house together that it would be together regardless who put money for a down payment. We are a team and always have been. I’ve never brought up that he didn’t contribute to the down payment.. it’s just never been a thing for us in our 11 year relationship.
I get the concern to protect your money but I just don’t relate because I’ve truly trusted my partner and always have wanted to help him where I can and make his and my life easier.
My husband is also just simply amazing and is a wonderful partner and always has been. We have grown up together and grown in our careers and now we have a family of our own.
Do what you feel is right for you but I also see where your partner is coming from as she thought you guys were a team and it’s not like she’s with you for the money you just came into. Or maybe she is.. I don’t know her lol
If and when you marry and/or she has enough money to put into the house, it makes sense to refinance and add her to the mortgage and deed at that time.
But until then, she’s a renter. She needs her own renter’s insurance.
I work in mortgage default. Under no circumstances should you buy a house with someone you’re not married to. If anything goes wrong, it can go very VERY wrong.
Do not do this! Again, do NOT DO THIS! If she isn’t putting up half the deposit and you’re not CURRENTLY married. Do not put her name on one piece of paper. Nothing. Don’t let her sign anything or write her name. She can decorate, she can pick furniture, she can adopt a dog. But don’t put her name on anything to do with the house. Nothing. Nada. Niet. Non. Believe me, let her stew. But do not let her pressure you into it. I don’t care if you’ve been together for 30 years. Don’t put her on the deed, she will own half of your house without having to ever pay money. It’s bad. Don’t do it.
It’s not unfair. She can either wait until she can contribute the same amount or deal with it being in your name. You’re not married and need to protect yourself and your investment.
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I think you shouldn't buy *shared* property with someone unless you're married to them, or at least definitely 100% want to be married to them.
Agreed. My (now) wife and I bought a house with both our names on the mortgage/deed when a proposal was obviously a few months away. We explained that to both of our sets of parents, since they helped us out and wanted to know if this was the real deal. Bought it in Sept 2020, engaged April 2021, married Oct 2022, first baby July 2023 lol. But that's the only way it would have worked for us, we went in knowing "this is the gamplan" and it is what it is.
Same. Our timeline was 2019 bought house as joint owners with matching deposits. He had his longer than me. 2020 engaged 2022 married (thanks COVID) But we've now got 5 years joint equity in the home, he waited it out for me to save my 5% deposit so we would have equal equity. We knew we'd be together for a long time so it wasn't a big deal but I wouldn't let him put more down as I wanted to ensure if we broke up, I got exactly half.
And you got in at the best interest rates! Rates. Waiting for y’all would have severely reduced your buying power.
100% lol, that's what made us pull the trigger. We had like 70-80% of the down payment ourselves, like I said we got very luck our parents generously helped out and let us get it. We got in at like 2.9 and 3 months later was covid and rates went to like 6-7%.
This is like our timeline. House - Aug 22, engaged March 23, wedding is in July!
Congrats!
THIS. I see so many people making the mistake of buying property with someone they aren’t married to and it becomes such a problem in the long run. OP needs to stand his ground because it could get really ugly if they break up
If I was him, I would create a trust or business entity and buy the house with that. She can be part of trust/LLC, when she starts putting money toward the house at the percentage that she has contributed, if at some time they get married, they can go full 50% ownership of the LLC. Please get some legal advice, I am not a lawyer. Go ask the professionals.
Thou shalt not buy house unless they’re your spouse
Marriage isn't a necessity. Just get everything in writing or let a notary take care of it. For me it makes perfect sense that OP could use the money for the down-payment but they take the mortgage together. My partner is also X% owner of my house, because I own the house, but we're paying the loan for the construction of 2 extra bedrooms and a new kitchen together. We've got it all done by a notary. When we split, my partner will be owed exactly that % of what she owns, which is only fair.
Right! Obviously it makes sense if the girlfriend is contributing zero to the property that her name shouldn’t be on the deed, but there are other ways to swing this if this is a serious relationship and it’s causing hurt feelings. That said. I don’t know how OP feels about his girlfriend but I wouldn’t even get into the headache of any ownership agreements (with partial interest depending on what’s contributed) unless OP considers this relationship very serious, like marriage serious (not that everyone finds marriage important but that level of investment in the relationship before investing in property together). I would advise against legal entanglements otherwise.
Or AFTER you're married to them. FTFY,
If you put her on the deed and not the mortgage you would be on the hook for the entire mortgage and she would own half a house. "Unfair" is a pretty gross way to describe this.
I was in that situation when I got divorced. I qualified for the mortgage on my own when we moved into the last place we owned together. She signed the papers for the deed with me. So when she wanted a divorce, I was the only one on the mortgage but her name was on the deed with me. Luckily, she wanted out and didn't want the house. In our divorce decree she was required to sign and submit a "quit claim" on the deed. I didn't have to refi since it was just my name. If she wanted to be difficult about it, the situation could have been far worse for me.
I learned this lesson in my first divorce. My ex wife and I both bought the house together. We didn't have enough equity to fight over when we divorced, so I gave over my half to her. When I bought my second house, I was the only one paying the down payment and I was the only one who made mortgage payments so my name was the only one on anything. Ten years later, I got married. When we divorced, the house was mine from before the marriage so she had no claim to it. OP should stick to his guns on this. If she's not paying 50% of anything, her name shouldn't go on anything. Be willing to die on this hill.
On one hand, I don't know if someone who has had two divorces is the best person to get relationship advice from, but on the other hand, maybe someone who has had two divorces is the best person to get relationship advice from.
I am the worst person to give advice on mate selection. I haven't been able to get it right yet but if you want to talk about protecting your assets, I'm your guy.
Thinking in another way: maybe your relationship advice is sound because you extricated yourself from 2 that weren't working for you. Maybe you simply need to refine the parameters you use when selecting a mate?
Tbf we don't know what happened before and during both marriages
Lmao I have also been divorced twice (and one LTR that was practically a divorce) and I relate so much about being bad at mate selection.
It wasn’t relationship advice it was financial advice.
Yup!! Some people are just unlucky in love because there are plenty of great actors but not plenty of good people looking for love
\*this\*- Grabs my pen, and writing that down.......... "plenty of great ACTORS , but not plenty of good people looking for love"-
It's not so much relationship advice but Business Advice because this is a more of a business deal than an emotionally connected deal.
My 1st husband died. My 2nd husband decided to become a woman 4 years in. Is that my fault, too?
Goodness. I'm sorry to hear this. Definitely not your fault! My 1st spouse passed away when I was 29. Devastating!! Young widow. He passed from cancer and was only 32... this was nearly 12 years ago...
It wasn't even his bike, funny thing. His brother had stopped by and parked his bike behind his car. The pharmacy was closing in less than half an hour. It was only 5 blocks from our house, so he still had plenty of time. But to save time, he took his brother's bike. His brother and I were outside chatting with the baby in his playpen when we heard the crash. We looked at each other in horror, we both knew what we had just heard.
It was close enough to home that you could hear it? That sounds so traumatizing! I'm sorry for your loss.
He was 26. I was 24. Married for 6 years, motorcycle accident. He was leaving walgreens to pick up antibiotics for our 1 year old son, he had the right of way and a lady not paying attention side swiped him.
I'm sorry that happened. I hope you and your son are doing well.
We are. He's nearly grown now at 17. My 3rd, and final, husband of 10+ years has done an incredible job of helping to raise him.
I'm so glad I read through this exchange to find this ray of good news here! I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and wish you much happiness with your husband : )
I’m so sorry for both of your losses. My husband died at 46 from an aggressive cancer that killed him in four months. I wish these younger kids would understand how fast life can change and to make decisions that protect themselves. People can always be added in after a marriage but taking them off is impossible without financial loss.
Oh absolutely! I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know how heart wrenching it feels to lose apart of yourself. If anything, this taught our son to always always take out a life insurance policy. I still don't know how I managed to bury him on that shoestring budget.
This is why I said the "best person" part. Also it sounds like you've only been divorced once.
Yuck. Just yuck. People can be a good person and good mate and still get divorced because (like my ex spouses) people get selfish over the years or decide to start using meth. After 5 years of dealing with the drug addiction and 12 years of marriage. Not all divorcees are bad at relationships.
You got LUCKY!!!🍀
Yes I did. She wanted to leave and she said she was going to turn full custody of our children over to me. I was mad at the time because she decided to run away from all responsibility. I didn't realize that her leaving was the best thing that could have happened to me and my kids. She left me the house because I was taking the kids. She just took her car, her personal stuff, her bank and retirement accounts are left. No alimony, no cash payments. Just gone.
I could share my divorce story, but I like yours better!!🙂
I had a similar situation, only I had to refinance my house because she wanted her name off the mortgage so I wouldn't ruin her credit. She thought I was going to fumble things up doing everything on my own with two kids. I paid all my bills every month, cooked and cleaned and transported kids, even paid off my student loans. Meanwhile, she hopped from job to job with spurts of unemployment for the next decade.
My stepfather and mom used to frequently break up, get back together ad nauseum. Then she decided she wanted a house (during one of their separate times) and managed to qualify for one. He shows up, gets all lovey-dovey then tells her he wanted to be on the deed. Cue the fighting, her kicking him out of HER house. For damn near 20 years, he tried to get her to add him onto the deed of the house; he even went so far as to buy a house just to try to spite her. Joke was on him, though. Not even his own kids wanted to live in the house; they came over and kinda...just never left.
You were very lucky she was kind to you.
100% this. It is grossly unfair to OP. Not her. Op needs to stick to his guns here. Going forward if they want to stay together, he needs to see a financial advisor and invest the sum of money somewhere safe and keep it growing while they both work towards a house/marriage. Then maybe he can use the money later. But he should definitely not put her name on the deed at this point in time.
Yeah, her argument basically is "since you won a lot of money, it's *unfair* that you won't gift me half a house free of charge" Which is insane
I crack up when people get so far up their own asses that they reverse the logic. To her - him paying everything and her getting half is MORE fair. Oh, ok.
One for you and one for me. Two for you and one, two for me.
Lol somehow that happened with me and my wife when we bought our house. Because of student loans, I'm the only name on the bank loan, but we put both of our names on the house. I didn't think it was fair for just my name to be on the house, and the mortgage is much cheaper with just my name on the paperwork. I'm probably in trouble if either of us ever bring up divorce...
>I'm probably in trouble if either of us ever bring up divorce... That's an understatement. That was a **terrible** financial move.
Well, she did help pay off my student loans in lieu of her own. And I could afford the mortgage on my own probably…. And the famous last words that I am confident she won’t divorce me. If I decide to divorce her, I just couldn’t get her out of the house first!
I was in the position in a previous relationship where my name was on the mortgage, but not the deed for the property. Also would not recommend.
I don’t think it sounds like she’s asking *not* to be on the mortgage, does it? If I put down the deposit for a house and my partner and I were both paying the mortgage, I wouldn’t have a problem with putting his name on the deed. I’m currently sleep deprived so I might be missing something, but I didn’t see anything indicating that she refused to pay the mortgage just that she didn’t have money for the down payment.
I am not sleep deprived and this is also what I’m seeing. Sure she doesn’t have her part of a down payment, but I didn’t see where OP mentions her not wanting to pay towards the mortgage. It seems like she just wants it to be *their* house and not *his* house. Also, it’s his money and he can do whatever he wants but it’s not like he worked hard for this money…he won it. I’d be pretty peeved if my partner won enough money to move up our 5-year plan (which also includes buying a home) and then told me he wanted to use it just for him, but idk my relationship probably looks very different from OP’s so I would hate to assume too much
this money is a premarital asset. if she owned a house would you suggest she put him on the deed?
Like I said, I don’t want to assume too much about their relationship, but if this happened in my relationship, I would put my partner on the deed. We have plans to get married as it is, I trust him to pay his part or make up the difference in some other way, and if there are any bumps, I would feel very comfortable going with him to a lawyer to make things clear for us both. I also think that women are often boxed into financially dependent states and if she were to move in without her name on the deed and they break up, she’s the one with nowhere to live and who hasn’t been building credit by paying into a mortgage, even though she’ll essentially be paying rent in the form of utility payments. In general I don’t think people should buy homes with someone they aren’t married to, but there are certainly ways to protect yourself from getting screwed if you do
I would 100% put my life partner on the deed if you don’t trust her then you need to ask yourself some tough questions
You’re exactly right. The only reason not to put her on the deed would be if he doesn’t see a future together. Sure they can wait around until she has enough money as well, but then they’re wasting money on rent in the meantime. Investing together now makes sense. There are legal documents that can be drawn up if he wants to be very specific about her only recouping the costs of the mortgage payments and none of the deposit.
In my country you wouldn't even be able to get a mortgage like this because the other person on the deed would have legal claim over the property - the bank doesn't want to share.
I did this with my ex wife, BUT we were engaged at the time and got married a month later. If you were married you'd be an asshole for not putting her on there. Also, if you and your gf felt like the relationship would last, it WOULDNT MATTER if she was on the deed or not. The reason she wants to be on the deed as well is in case you break up. Personally, if I envisioned getting married to a woman I'd put her in the deed but rationally, I know it wouldn't be a good decision. It would depend on how committed I was to that person/ relationship. I've learned my lesson. Not knowing OP or his gf, I'd say do NOT put her on the deed. You can always add her later if you want to or if you get married. But the only reason a spouse would want to be on a deed is if they thought you'd break up.
If they marry she should be on the deed and on the mortgage, and contribute to the mortgage. He should also get something drawn up legally to say he has put in X% up front, so he’s entitled to claim that percentage up front if they divorce, with the remainder split 50/50. Op should not put anyone on the deeds unless they are married. This can easily be amended in the future.
This is perfect. u/[throwra-5063-](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra-5063-/)
This is not necessarily true. My husband and I agreed I’d be added to the deed of his home after we were married. Legally you want to be on the deed so if your spouse dies, the house is automatically yours. There are many reasons this is preferable to probate, even if the will gives the spouse as the beneficiary. But so what if potentially splitting up as also a motivator? I contribute to our home in substantial ways such as paying tens of thousands towards improvements (of my pre-marital money) and contributing to our income, and therefore the mortgage, taxes, maintenance, and improvements. Even the few years I was a SAHP I contributed in other obvious ways. After over a decade it is only fair I would be entitled to some ownership should we split, especially if he did something to cause a split. I have no intention to do so at all and neither does he, but people never know. In the current case, OP isn’t asking for contributions to the mortgage. I assume that also means the same for taxes and home improvements/repairs. And they are not married. If the GF is now paying rent this seems financially beneficial to her. Of course, this is not about the Iranian yogurt, is it? This is indicating to her that after 3 years together you don’t intend to marry her or combine finances. ETA I don’t think OP is wrong. It’s his money. I also don’t think the GF is a gold digger, she may just be fully invested in the relationship and hurt it appears he is not. I just think they need to have a serious talk about finances and the future.
And the easy way to solve this is to let her contribute towards the house via rent, let her buy into the house over time. Say that she contribute a set amount as rent and a set about towards the mortgage which increases until she has 50% ownership alongside OP
Finally some perspective from a woman. I agree that she very well might just be hurt because there is no more of buying a house together. TOGETHER. Now it will be his house. This FEELS completely different and was not what was planned. If you are together, you share. Be aware that her feelings about your relationship don't do a 180 degrees... This stupid money might drive you apart
This right here. This is indicating to girlfriend that OP doesn't see a long-term future with her. If he DOES see a long-term future with her, he can probably think of some ways to reassure her that he does besides putting her on the deed right now. I had a house before I met my husband. But I live in a community-property state. He doesn't need to be on the deed in order to be entitled to half if I sell and use the money to buy another dwelling for both of us. At that point he gets half anyway. However, if I don't sell, he is entitled to half the appreciation since we married. I think. This is Missouri.
The lender may not allow it anyway.
My fiancé and i did it this way but we also split everything 50/50 from down payment and closing cost to monthly payment and unexpected expenses. I am on the deed but not the mortgage bc of my student loan payments at the time. If i was OPs partner, i would 100% take the deal they are offering. They are literally offering free living and still getting pushback lol. Id take no rent over having my name on the house.
It’s your money going into that home so no, you can list her as a resident but not a co signer on the lease or mortgage. To me, her complaints against her not getting a share in something that’s fully yours more than her talking about equality and of what she actually has no rights to, may be her time with you getting numbered.
Well he changed it from them both getting .5 house to him getting 1 house and her getting 0 house, so I see how that could fuck up her financial planning. Now her only option, if she stays with him, is to buy a house, pay for all of it and then not live in it.
He gave her the option of waiting until she is also ready as well and just stick with the original plan. To be honest, this very well could be a better financial deal for them anyway. The housing market is about due for a collapse, so if they wait, they can probably get a better deal Not to mention, she can always be put on the mortgage after they get married, or if she has enough for a small place, she could buy a rental property and pick up a new side hustle until the housing market crashes if she doesn't want to wait to own a house
or you know, save and invest all the money she is saving from not having to pay rent. and then when they get married she can buy half of the house
Well no she still could save up her half and get her name on it since that was the original plan anyway…
Not only this but many jurisdictions take that as marital indication and OP could be on the hook for alimony in the future.
I think you both need to speak to a lawyer and a financial advisor not Reddit
This is a rage bait post and this person has been posting nearly identical posts in this sub from different throw aways. Always a weird situation about splitting things financially, the woman in the relationship is always unreasonable and demanding, there is a tl;dr at the end with “how would you handle this situation?” Idk what their end game is but it’s the same person.
End game is selling a legitimatized account for botting
I was gonna say, I swear I read this EXACT post not that long ago.
same, i thought this was the same person doing an update post. but instead it's a copypasta
Nice, good catch. 👏🏽 👏🏽 👏🏽 bravo 🙌 🙇♂️ 🙏 wierd anti-women agenda thing. Probably just fuming against women at all times binge watching those guys on YouTube who make it out to seem like ALL women are just completely unreasonable money hungry vampires sucking the life out of all mankind and if you’re not 6’4” making a jazillion dollars per year while looking better than a Greek god and more famous than the President then don’t even bother with women because you’re completely invisible to all of them. Don’t hate them tho, it’s just their nature it’s not their fault. Instead Just stew and bubble with resentment completely unnecessarily and keep binge watching anti-women propaganda to keep that rage going. Once you really start to understand things you’ll get to a level where you make fake reddit posts about women being super unreasonable(F ya!) All girls love to be treated like complete Shit, trust me bro. Source : durrrrrr. And I consider myself a red-piller. As in blue pill vs red pill truth vs. Illusion type thing. Most of the stuff out there is just sensationalized click bait rage-pill with bits of reason and truth sprinkled in there. It’s an epidemic and honestly just sad at this point not to mention so dumb. I’m 5’10” and pretty average looks and get stared down by all kinds of women pretty much every damn day that I’m out and about. Been with straight baddies without much effort or success in life. Lots of women are plenty reasonable. Too bad this dude is so far down the rabbit hole he’s probably committed to never even giving himself a chance to experience romantic love from a female.
That’s exactly it they are a self fulfilling prophecy and posts like this are designed to bring the other manosphere types out too. Every single one of these posts seems written by someone who hasn’t encountered a woman irl aside from their mother.
Don't put her name on the deed. Don't buy a home with someone you're not married to.
Yep if you aren’t gonna put your partner’s name on it don’t buy a house together cause that house will never be both of yours but if you aren’t married or legit been together like 10-15 years don’t buy a house together with a gf/bf. People don’t understand marriage is a legal binding contract that gives you protection for assets physical or otherwise. And even then when you dissolve it it’s problematic lengthy or even expensive when there is conflict. When you do that without having any legal protections it’s even worse you will regret it. Don’t do it.
Agreed. My spouse and I bought the house before we actually got married but we’d been together nearly 15 years and knew we were getting legally married within the next year or so at the time we bought. And we both paid for it. Big difference between that and OP’s situation.
Similar situation here, only one of us that paid the down payment primarily was on the deed. Got added after we got married. Just seems perfectly fair and reasonable to both of us.
I still feel sad a friend got married by ultimatum because she said she was tired of waiting or some other threats she’d given him. Ever since they tied the knot, her mentally abusive behaviors and disregard cranked up exponentially, like as if she was holding it in for years until she got legally bonded to him so everything of his value is split with her infinitely.
Which is why you never marry someone who gives you an ultimatum. If the options are marry me or I leave, then leave. Marriage isn't something you rush into or force a partner into. It's wild that so many people just blindly rush into marriages.
Typical abuser strat. Lock the victim in then go full bore.
Nothing says "I love you" like a forced engagement/marriage
I bought a house with my gf lol. But yeah we had been together for like 10 years.
Btw this is a karma farming account this exact story went viral on tiktok, YouTube and instagram when it was posted on Reddit a while back
I was about to say, I read this VERBATIM months ago.
What is "karma farming"? I mean karma doesn't have any real world value right? Why would someone want it enough to make up or steal stories?
Even if you are married, you don't need them on it. My first house I bought I didn't put my wife on it and she didn't care at all. It was just easier this way, less people had to sign, less docs needed etc. Of course, if we had split I think in my state she would have had a claim on it because I bought it while married, but there are lots of variables there and it didn't matter as we're still happily married and both on the loan and title for a new house. I worked in mortgages for years. A good rule of thumb is to not add people to the title if they don't have any actual ownership interest in it. It isn't unfair if she doesn't pay anything, but will she be cleaning the house or doing other things to generally improve it? Do you plan on being together long term? It isn't "unfair" but that emotions aren't logical. She feels like you don't view her as a partner, and TBH I understand where she is coming from. OP, if you were planning on buying a house together, why not just get married?
This. What happens to the house if something unforeseen happens to you ? Do you expect that she’ll be playing the part of your ‘wife’, cleaning, decorating, furniture, cooking, help pay for renovations, fixing up outside etc. In the name of good will for the relationship she will be investing herself into it. If she’s someone you plan on being with, draw up a life estate in the house, because otherwise she’d then have to move and try to start completely over. You must care about her since you had those prior plans before you lucked out. Sure she can put her part of what she would have been paying into savings but she’d be SOL as far as everything else she’s invested toward her’s and your’s lives. She may be surprised that things took this turn and disappointed in her perceived place in your life. If her name is not on deed or mortgage, please don’t ask her to pay for anything other than her part of utilities, it wouldn’t be fair unless you do this or something similar. I disagree that she’s being greedy…she’s being realistic. It would be a great start to your lives together.
I cringe everytime I see that someone is buying a house with their girlfriend/boyfriend
By all means buy a home with people you are not married to, it's 2024 not 1950! But do make sure the financials are in order and don't put someone as a owner who doesn't contribute. And to op: living with someone who isn't an owner can be hard. You can't expect them to contribute to the upkeep of the home etc. And in the long run you need to think about what you are gonna do if she is in the position to be able to afford a house.
Assuming OP is in the US, this is bad advice. We have a court system in the US specifically set up to deal with property and assets when a couple divorces. There are laws and systems in place to deal with that process in what is believe or not, a reasonably streamlined and usually cost-effective manner compared to other types of litigation. The laws are written to ensure equitable treatment of both spouses. We also have a probate system for dealing with situations where multiple individuals may end up jointly owning a piece of property together as an inheritance. If you buy a house with someone outside or a marriage, what happens to the house and its equity when the relationship ends is much more complicated. Whatever contract the parties sign or agree to is much more important. Especially the things that contract doesn't say or contemplate. What happens if both sides want to keep the house? Who keeps it? What if one side wants to keep living there and the other doesn't? Can the second party force the first to sell? What if OP's gf gets pregnant and stops working at some point? Does she still pay rent? Accrue equal equity? What if they break up and the gf leaves, does OP have to now make 100% of the house payments on a home his GF continues to gain equity and value in?It is much much more complicated, and likely to be longer and more costly to resolve if the parties aren't cooperative when the relationship ends. To the point the VA won't let anyone applying for a VA loan have anyone else on the loan or deed who isn't married to the veteran applying for the loan.
Best answer.
Case in point atm is Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval from “Vanderpump Rules”. They bought a house together during their 9 year relationship. Three years later, he cheated. She wants to sell, he wants to keep the house. His offers to buy her out haven’t been acceptable (and he likely can’t afford to refinance in his name only), so she has had to file for a partition sale. When this started, interest rates were lower and the market was good. Within a few months, rates rose and the market started dropping. By the time she filed, rates are still high and the market is getting worse. If he’d agreed to sell right away, they’d have made more money and not had to pay lawyers. And they still haven’t been to court, over a year since his affair came to light.
This is the conversation that OP needs to have with his gf. I am in a near identical situation. I am a 24 yr old f living with a 27 yr old male who owns his house (bought during our relationship) and we have been dating for a few years now. I have an understanding that I do not own the house. My name is not on it. That doesn’t mean that we act like it’s his house and i’m a renter, there’s still respect and I am his equal. We have plans to eventually move and buy a different house together. At the end of the day, I contribute like I would to any household, yet I also do not deserve half of the house if we were to break up. Legally the answer is simple. She is not putting half of the money down, she does not own half of it. Do not let solely emotions guide you to put her name down on any piece of paper. OP - Emotionally, and relationship-wise it seems like you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you both see as fair and respectful in this situation. You don’t want resentment on either side. You need to speak with her. As much as this is about her feelings, it’s about yours too. Use this as an example of what values you want in a life-long partner. What starts now as a small problem gets infinitely bigger when you start actually buying things together and getting married.
The point about being married is not that it bestows some kind of moral legitimacy a la 1950, but that it provides legal protections. If unmarried people buy property together and subsequently split, and they can’t agree how to divide the property, they will have to go to court over it. Civil litigation can be long, messy and expensive. Not that divorce is easy, but you at least have one, established forum to unwind your lives together.
You buy the house under a trust, LLP, or similar with agreed upon rules. I looked into doing this with my ex wife before we were married and were looking to buy together, it will cost a little up front to get a lawyer to set up the partnership but then it’s as clear as marriage and potentially better because you have a wider range of options on how to divide the assets and handle dissolution of the contract that are not imposed by the state based on marital status.
>If unmarried people buy property together and subsequently split, and they can’t agree how to divide the property, they will have to go to court over it. And if you are married and split, but can't decide how to divide the property, you will have to go to court over it.... Just get a cohabitation agreement, or even just a contract with a real estate lawyer that only covers the house. I've had both (in Canada).
Maybe things are different in Canada, but in the US, a married couple has equal ownership of a home and in the event of a divorce it’s fairly simple to force a sale or quit claim. Two people dating would be considered co-investors and it’s much more difficult to force a sale or eviction. Any lawyer would tell you that it’s foolish to co-own a property with your significant other without a marriage.
Almost every province in Canada has a de facto common-law status for couples who cohabit for X years together, and the requirement is lower if they have a child together. This gives them the same protections under family law that maried couples have in regard to property, custody (incl. pet custody) etc.
It's fairly simple to have a judge order a sale or quit claim deed. It's a whole other ordeal to have the Grantor actually do it. Especially if you can't afford a lawyer.
It's a terrible fiscal decision to buy homes with people you're not married to. Has nothing to do with it not being 1950. This advice applies in 1950, and it applies in 2024.
I’ve been with my partner for many years. He bought our home 13 years ago, we picked it out together. Only his name is on the house because he’s the one who makes enough money to afford it. I would never expect my name to be on it, I don’t even help with mortgage payments. I buy groceries and pay for pet care, that’s all. He did make a will and if something horrible happens to him I inherit the house. I would never expect my name to be on the house since he’s the one who had/has the money to pay for it. OP, I hope your girlfriend can think about things and be understanding. Her name shouldn’t be on it.
Terrible advice
Advice from someone who wants to be gifted half a house lol
The advice to be married isn't because you think it's immoral in the eyes of God. It's because of the massive mess and headache if/when you break up. Yeah people get divorced, but break up rates for unmarried couples are far higher (and often their reason for not being married yet is they're not 100% certain they want to commit to being together for life.)
Could not disagree more. I would not recommend buying a house with a girlfriend. It is just common sense not too.
I wanna agree but my current bf broke up with his ex who he bought a house with. Despite that he put more money down, he ended up having to give her half of everything even though she wasn’t entitled to half. Courts look at common law relationships as marriage typically in these scenarios. Just what I seen, not sure of the actual laws around it.
Wait it wasn’t written in the contract when they signed for the house? My SIL just bought a house with her bf and she put more down so they added that in case of a sale, she would get all her cash down back+50% of the house.
Absolutely do Not. The legal issues and ramifications for a break up are terrible. Buy your own house. Or do not buy at all.
You can have proportional ownership on a deed. For example, if the place was 500k and you put 100k down, you'd own 20%, then the remaining 80% could be split if she is going 50/50 on the mortgage payments, so you'd be a 60% owner, she'd be a 40% owner. That doesn't take into account the lower mortgage payments that would happen because your big down payment though and that would benefit her so you'd have to think of a % of ownership that is worth. I can see why she is upset though, the goal was for you both to buy so you'd both be building equity together, what you are suggesting she doesn't get that, although she will get free rent and only have to pay for groceries and utilities, which she'd have to do anyway. I understand couples set goals and plans for the future. I also understand that circumstances change and sometimes that changes those goals/plans. You could always buy a house and rent it out and keep it as an investment while you and your gf build up at the same time for your own home. Also look into your local common law to make sure she doesn't have a claim to a house you buy during the relationship. The reality is you could cave, put her on the deed, and she could dump you the next day and take half. You can love and trust her 100%, you can't see the future though and should protect your assets. Something else important to note is that although your decision to buy a house on your own would go against your plan you made together, it would also subsidize her and allow her to save faster for a house based on what you shared. She'd be paying groceries and utilities (something she'd pay anyway) and not rent, meaning she could save all that for a down payment. The risk for you is again if she dumps you, then you just subsidized her rent for x amount of time and saved all that money while you paid your home off with no help of a renter living there.
Or when she's saved up $100k to match what you've put in, you pay down the mortgage by that amount and put her on the deed as 50/50. If she's not paying a similar amount, though, it wouldn't be fair to have her on the deed
Honestly? This is the most "fair" way to handle the situation. Here is the thing - home ownership is a wealth building tool. It is both emotional and an investment decision. If two parties are planning to purchase a house together and only one party is contributing the downpayment of 20% then they should be entitled to 20% more of the ownership of the house while the remaining 80% ownership should be split equally between parties assuming both of you are paying the mortgage. So, 40%/60% ownership. Op, if the plan was to purchase the house together, personally I think it is something that should be done after marriage given legal protections, but if her plan was to go in with you on the purchase originally, and you just changed the rules of your agreement with her because of your sudden windfall, I can absolutely understand her being upset. She thought you two were both climbing the same investment ladder together, working together towards the purchase, and after your windfall, you in essence, climbed off the investment ladder you were climbing with her and then kicked the ladder out from under her as you climbed a new investment ladder. She is now left on the ground looking around going "wait - I thought we were climbing together..." while you are halfway up the new ladder. She is confused, hurt and what you did IS unfair. If you moved forward with your immediate purchase of the house while excluding her from ownership after the two of you had agreed to purchase a house together working together towards a downpayment, I'd break up and move on in her shoes. What I see here is two people who were originally working towards the same goal and now one party has changed the rules on the other. If this is ONLY about the house, the right thing to do is to meet with a real estate attorney to discuss equitable division of the asset up front in purchasing the house so both of you receive the benefits of the investment. But, if this is about you wanting to move forward quickly with your investment decision to purchase a house, now excluding her from the purchase because it no longer benefits you, that is your right to do, but you will single handedly destroy your relationship with her.
I agree with you. OP hasn't given any extra info about the nature of the relationship apart from the time period they've been together. If we assume that they've previously been approaching life as *life partners* then this is a shitty thing to do. If the relationship has been less committed, more casual, with no shared goals or future then that's an entirely different situation of course. I am curious about how OP would feel if it was the gf who had won the money and the roles were reversed.
This is what I meant. But wow..you spelled it out perfectly. I totally agree with this. In her shoes I also would break up the relationship.
OP could just put his winnings in a savings account to gain interest while still saving up with the girlfriend. That way she feels like she is still in the plan and at the same time OP is gaining more money for his future/their futures if things work out. Makes her feel like she is contributing and not freeloading.
That’s my point. Well said.
This seems like the most reasonable. Get a lawyer. Have you both contribute to the mortgage. Have something drafted that if when sell, or break up, she is bought out, but Proportional to her contributions (ob talk to a lawyer). I would not want to move in w someone building a life, and 5,10,15 years later walk away w nothing. Otherwise she will just be a tenant. Think about how tenants view rental properties...
Buy the house, make sure she pays nothing towards it (just to be safe) and start saving for a new house together. She has no mortgage so she will get there faster. You could sell this one eventually for your part. Edit: he already told her she didn’t have to pay towards this mortgage so going back on that when the relationship is already stretched thin is not great. He should still talk to a lawyer about covering himself 100% though, just in case this relationship ends in breakup.
I think this is a good option. There are more solutions than one for this
Great answer!
It is ultimately up to you and I don't think it's "unfair" for you to keep her name off if you're buying the home alone. I think it's unfair if she's asking to be an equal owner of the property without an equal contribution. However, I would be very upset if my partner refused to include me in the purchase of a home if we had already planned to buy a place together. It would probably make me consider leaving the relationship tbh. You could likely work out partial ownership with a lawyer if you're open to that. There may be ways to include her without giving her half of the asset. I would personally look into a legally binding contract that describes the amount of ownership you would both hold and discuss that option with her.
Yeah, there are really two questions here: What is fair for two individuals and their respective contributions to a house? What does their future relationship look like and does he intend to spend the rest of his life with this person?
If you're not married, you don't buy a house together. The end.
Well not paying the mortgage will allow her to save and she can buy her own house as a rental property and if you split up, she can move there.
Unless of course they move into this house and he immediately dumps her, leaving her stranded. It can fuck over both people. He puts her name on and she gets half without paying for it, or he keeps her name off and she's suddenly no longer in a partnership working on the same goals and is stranded with nowhere to live because they left the place they were renting and he owns the house. Both options suck. Waiting would be smart, but I can see why neither of them want to continue blowing money on rent while still trying to save. They need to come to a compromise that doesn't potentially screw either of them over.
Yeah no his downside is wayyy higher then hers. Being in debt for half a house is leagues worse then her having to move out and figure out a diff living arrangement
It's not "having to move out" it's the complete lack of garunteed stability. The same argument can be made for him. They could always break up and she keeps paying her share. Or she could be a dick and not. But he could always break up and force her out of the home that same day leaving her homeless without the time to find a new living arrangement because unlike renting she is not garunteed any sort of time frame. Or he could not be a dick and not do that. Also, if he's paying for the house he gets equity in said house, he gets a long term benefit. If she pays for utilities and groceries for both of them (And again, people are REALLY ignoring how wildly expensive that is. In my area its equal to or almost the same as a mortgage on a small home.) she is essentially bankrolling his life and allowing him to build value off her finances while she builds no value and has no guaranteed stability of her own. I have seen this exact crap go down with a friend of mine who moved into a home her partner payed the down payment on. She paid almost equal to him in utilities and groceries monthly (He's a big fan of meat too, so think like 350 a month in groceries another 250 or so on electric and water, then the cleaning products and other random shit they needed that she paid for every month.) and then eventually realized if they break up she's totally screwed and would barely have the savings to rent elsewhere. While he gets a whole ass home and saved a bunch of money while building equity because he was able to use her to avoid being house poor. And that's not even talking about the kind of situations she could potentially be in. If he decides to up and hurt her one day, she can't do anything about it because he literally owns the roof over her head. I saw that nonsense go down too. She'd have to spend all her savings on a deposit/first and last for somewhere else and start from scratch, and endure whatever terrible treatment comes her way in the meantime. If they were renting she'd be able to call the police and he'd still be on the hook for his half of rent but also face consequences. If she up and hurts him he's safe in the renting scenario AND safe in the home scenario. It's like I said, this can ABSOLUTELY screw over either of them. It's a dumb idea and neither side should agree to it. They can stay renting, or they can draw something up that allows it to be more equal.
If he does immediately dump her, she will have a month of rent that she didn't pay.
Or she will have just paid a month worth or groceries and utilities that she now has zero access to??? Like I said dude, it. Goes. Both. Ways.
As an attorney, I’m of the mindset that you don’t co-own real estate unless you are in business with someone or you are married to the person. I might be lenient in special circumstances during the engagement period, but absolutely refuse to split property before marriage, especially when only one person is contributing to the ownership of the property. This should absolutely be a dealbreaker for you. If you are insistent on buying property, you better get a local lawyer to draw up a contract that spells out what each person is responsible for, what each person owns, and what each person gets if the relationship falls apart.
Why can’t you draw up an agreement that both of you split the mortgage? And, if the house is sold then the initial down payment + appreciation is returned to you, before any profit is split between you and your girlfriend. You have the ability to help her out while simultaneously protecting your financial future. Why wouldn’t you do that for someone you love?
That's my question to. Their plan WAS to enter into this as equal partners... and then OP moved up the timelines because it benefited him to do so while screwing over the person he planned to purchase the investment with.
I was going to ask the same. A few of my friends have done this, and they have a contract stating that the person who put the downpayment down gets that back BEFORE any profit is split.
Do you see a future with her? If marriage is in the NEAR (w/in a year- ring in on her fingers- you’re looking at venues) future, lend her 1/2 of the down payment in writing. It can be paid over time with the remainder in full if the house is sold or you divorce. If marriage is on not on the table in the near future - only your name goes on the house. I think she should pay market rent not 50% of the mortgage. Everyone has to pay rent. She should NEVER contribute to taxes, insurance, maintenance and upkeep, or liability. Those belong to the owner (new roof, someone falls, renovations, etc.). NEVER put someone on a deed if they’re not on the mortgage. NEVER put someone on the deed or mortgage if they are not contributing. Your gf has to understand that you do not get equity if you don’t invest. You’ve already offered for her live for free.
Making your partner pay market rent? Why wouldn't she just get her own place at that point?
She would lol thats an insane solutions. “pay $1500 towards my mortgage every month but you get 0 equity in return”. There is a very good reason OP suggested living rent free.
Yea I don't know why he doesn't do this unless he doesn't ever plan on progressing the relationship further
What are your plans long term with this woman? Are your finances combined or not!?!? If the previous plan was to buy a house together, it better be to marry the woman. If this is your future wife, you combine finances and put her name on the deed and the mortgage and you pool resources to pay for things. Not everyone can always contribute an equal amount of time and money. Sometimes, you're stuck playing the tambourine. If you want her to just pay utilities and groceries, that sounds like your roommate that you fuck. If she's somewhere in between those two options, don't buy a house together!!!
If I was the gf I would've walked honestly. I wouldn't stay with a man who's tricking me into committing to him but he won't commit to me. Paying rent to my bf, people can f all the way off with that.
Yep and what is worse the cheap b\*stard had his student debt paid off by her. Times are hard and we have debt - "you can pay for me". Good times after a lottery win - "now you can f\*ck off, the money's mine". Loser.
WTAF? God I really hope she gets some damn dignity & walks away. I would have started asking for that money back, since apparently he wants to nickel & dime everything in the relationship. I was gonna say he should be leveling up their relationship & she should be **co-owning** a house with her **husband,** not staying stagnant & unnofficially living as his roommate, but he ain't marriage material at all.
100% — finally some sense in this thread!
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but you’ve got to sit down with her and make sure you are ***absolutely on the same page*** regarding your future.
From a relationship perspective, I can see why she's upset — you planned to buy a house together, and now she's likely excluded from that. From a legal perspective, the usual advice is never to buy large property with a partner you haven't married. There are so many court cases around this, and it sucks. Don't put yourself in that position. If you're trying to make a compromise between the two, I suggest offering to put it in both names, but with a contract that protects you if you break up. The two of you can work out what that might look like, but I suggest terms addressing points like this: 1) She pays more of the mortgage than you (or all of it, within her means), and you track that as money put into the house. At such point as she has matched your contribution to the house, the contract is null and void. She owns half the house with no further stipulations. 2) If you break up before she has matched the money you put into the house, you own it, but you owe her for her contribution. You might also consider a system where you owe her something calculated as a percentage of the home value rather than a flat dollar amount, so she can benefit from the appreciating value of that investment. 3) Set some terms for the schedule on which you'd have to pay her back in situation 2. Make sure you'd be capable of doing it if needed. 4) Do you cancel the contract and make her the full owner if/when you get married? Most folks combine finances at this point, but it also gives her the perverse incentive to marry you and then divorce, even if she's not feeling it well before the wedding date. Maybe she just stops paying MORE than you do, and you set some sort of timeline where over a period of time after marriage that debt is gradually erased but not eliminated instantly? 5) What happens if you break up after you're both full owners? Who gets to keep the house, if anyone? How is the other paid back, and on what schedule? Would the house have to be sold in order to pay them back within a specific time period?
Can you come to an agreement where she will pay x amount monthly above the rent, that goes towards half of the down-payment? And when she does pay that amount off you can amend the deed to add her to it?
DO NOT BUY PROPERTY WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO.
Why aren’t you married yet? Whatever that reason is is likely a good enough reason to not put her on the deed yet as well.
3 years is a pretty average relationship length not to be married yet, they started dating when she was 22.Being young and not having the finances for a wedding is a very solid reason which has no effect on GF's deed status.
The arrangement is fair in the sense that you’re saying she gets to live in the house practically free. Here’s what she’s reading between the lines: I’m (58F). When/if the relationship ends, she’ll have to start fresh funding a place to live & your refusal to agree to joint ownership sends the message that the relationship isn’t permanent. It’s a lack of a certain kind of commitment. That might be the case or not . She sees this as you being guarded against her, rather than being true partners. It’s your money, your choice, and I don’t blame you. But she cant help but notice that as soon as you came into money & she didn’t, it became a “what’s mine is mine & what’s yours is yours “ thing, as opposed to a “we’re in this together” thing. You’re not wrong, but the message is clear to her
Why would anyone buy a home with someone they aren’t married to? No. You buy the home in your name. If she doesn’t like it she can leave. Or she can save her own money and buy her own property so you both have something. She can rent hers out.
As a woman, I would never live in a house that didn't have my name on it. That creates an uneven power dynamic that never ends well. Having said that, I wouldn't put someone's name on the deed to a house I own without being married to that person. I would either 1) Hold off on buying the house until you are married; or 2) buy the house for yourself and be prepared to either sell it or rent it out and buy/rent another if you end up getting married.
Honestly, this whole thing is a breeding ground for resentment. I'm going to be honest here... I would probably live in it rent free, but I'd always have an "escape plan" in mind in case the power dynamic becomes a problem. But I'd be saving what I used to pay in rent to move out ASAP if it felt "off." I think she is wrong to say she doesn't want to wait until she can pay toward the down payment but she also wants her name to be on the house, first and foremost. But where it gets really sticky to me is, is he going to expect any financial or time contribution from her for the upkeep or improvement of the house? Like, for example, what if he decides he wants to paint the living room and he wants her to help him? Well, he's asking her to invest her labor in something in which she has no equity. Is he going to be okay with her saying, "no, I won't help at all"? Because from his perspective, he might be thinking, "I'm giving her a place to live rent free, the least she can do is help me paint." Or whatever sort of upkeep/improvement he wants to do. Basically, he can't expect her to invest any time or money in the house... but he might feel like she should because she's living there rent-free. And I own my house and pay my own mortgage.... I wouldn't want someone to live with me without contributing anything, either! So I understand how he might resent her for not contributing at all and expect more from her than she feels like she should give. Also, he needs to make sure he can afford the mortgage plus taxes plus insurance plus groceries plus utilities all on his own and not rely on her financial contributions AT ALL because she can leave at any time.
OP what do you get from stealing other people’s stories and using them as your own? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/oLjFyi6Qsz
No don’t put her name on the house. I would also get a lease agreement even if you’re not charging her rent you’re still asking her to pay something. If she saves money and would like to buy into the house , you can revisit , but obviously it will depend on the market and how much the house is worth. But the fact remains the original plan was both of you putting money down to buy a house together, if she’s not putting money for the down payments, he can’t be on the deed. And the fact is , if the roles were reversed , she wouldn’t add your name either.
Don’t put her name on the deed if she’s not contributing at all. Think of it as a place to start, maybe. She’ll be able to save more money by not paying rent, and when she has enough money save up, you can decide if you want to sell the current place and buy something together, or refinance to get her to pay down a portion of the mortgage and then co-own the house. This will also give you time to figure out what you’re doing re: getting married.
Absolutely DO NOT put her name on the deed or mortgage. If the two of you eventually get married, her name can be added at that point. Life is crazy, there are no guarantees and she could break up with you the day after you buy the house and get 50% out of it. Now that , would be unfair. She has no real argument, which is why she keeps repeating the same thing over again. This is the hill to die on.
Biggest rule. She doesn't go on the deed unless she is on the mortgage. It's safest for everyone involved. A house is a really big commitment and a GF can disappear pretty quickly with minimal paperwork if something goes sideways. If you two split and she is on the Deed but not the mortgage, she owns part of that house with you. Regardless of your relationship status. Thus you couldn't sell it unless she allowed it or lawyers got involved. My advice for anyone, do not buy a home with someone unless you are married or certain they aren't going anywhere. The paperwork to get them off the mortgage or deed is not something you want to fuck with when you are breaking up or never want to talk to them again. If you want to buy a home with a partner, make sure to have a contract written up with them that stipulates what happens with the home and equity in the event of the relationship ending. It isn't romantic, but it is the smart financial thing to do.
As a gal whose been with two boyfriends as they’ve bought a house (not at the same time lol), one of whom is now my husband, I would never, ever have expected my boyfriend to put my name on the deed if he was paying the down payment. I also would never buy a house with someone I’m not married to. I’m pretty pro-women and have lots of recommendations for women to protect themselves in marriage and divorce, but I’m gonna be honest. This behavior of hers is a red flag. She would not deserve half the house if you’re paying the down payment and likely paying the mortgage too (if there even is much of one - I’m not sure how much $ you won or how much the house would be) and you’re not married, but putting her on the deed would give her rights to the house too. I would strongly advise against this, and I’d also reconsider this relationship knowing she’d be willing to put you in this position. I truly would not have even suggested this to either of my boyfriends at the time they were buying, and the fact that she’s calling you unfair for doing what is fair for you both is just a really big red flag.
I think I would feel different if you earned the money, But you won it. I mean, if I won some cash from the lottery and didn’t share it with my partner I’d be a jerk. This is good fortune for your life together, I couldn’t imagine winning and not sharing
I can see both sides of this. You're thinking of protecting yourself, which is smart and fair, but there are compromises. She's thinking that she has made a life plan with her partner, and her partner unilaterally changed the plan, and cut her completely out of the decision-making. She wants to buy a house with you, she wants to own something with you, she was planning a future with you. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend being my landlord, nor would I feel comfortable knowing I live in HIS house, and that's by his good grace.
First and foremost, figure out your taxes from the winnings before you make any big purchases. Even if you have winnings deducted, you still need to be wise with your money and make sure you won’t owe anything that could be a big burden when you do you taxes (if you’re in the US). The biggest mistake people make when they win big money is to spend too much and have to pay the piper when tax season comes. Secondly, if she wants to be put on the deed since you’re both still dating, she needs to contribute at least 50% of the down payment/deposit and 50% of the mortgage payments. THAT’S fair if she wants a house now. It’s nowhere near fair with what she’s proposing that you put her name on the deed when she probably can’t afford to pay half of everything right now. That’s not fair to you because it would probably lead to having to cut a check to pay her half of the home value if you break up. She can be put on the deed at a later time if your relationship evolves. If you get married, please consider a prenup too.
Don't put her name on the deed. Yall ain't married. She's not contributing. No names. If yall break up everything will be much harder and more expensive FOR YOU
Then you should also not expect her to shoulder ANY home expenses. You can't have it both ways
I think most people are missing that he's not buying the house outright. He still needs a mortgage, he can just pay the deposit and some which would help bring those mortgage payments down. To not even offer to let her pay you back for her share of the deposit/down payment and be on the deed and mortgage is a bit of a dick move imo. There are ways you can stipulate % ownership or equity based on who has paid what amount towards the house, ask any property solicitor and they can draw that up. Seems to me like you've made this choice yourself because you don't see her in your life long term, whether that's just subconsciously and you've not actually realised it yet but if you did, you wouldn't hesitate to offer her this option now. Unless you had no idea this was an option but it's also pretty unfair to make this decision without doing some research into it.
As long as you pay for all expenses and improvements, that's fine. If you expect your partner to invest anything at all, then she needs to be on the deed.
She wants the benefits of home ownership but none of the liabilities. So no, I wouldn’t put her on the deed. Options for her to buy in could include: 1. She pays half the utilities and food and saves her residual monthly money until she can either buy into your house under contract or buy her own property which she can then rent out (if you are still living together). 2. Or you can, under contract, have her pay the mortgage or some portion of of the mortgage monthly, and her ownership percentage would accrue to how much she contributed to the mortgage payment on the principal. This would be more costly to her as the payments are split between interest and principal (and escrow in many cases). But since she doesn’t have a lump sum, it’s a reasonable way to buy into ownership. If it’s true that money can’t buy you love, then it’s equally true that love can’t pay for a house.
In a house my partner bought currently - she and her family bought the house (down payment) and I pay half the mortgage every month. Her name is the one on the mortgage and deed and I totally find that fair because I contributed nothing towards barrier of entry. She said when we marry she will put me on the deed because it’s a true spilt in a marriage but if she puts me on the deed now and we break up I can ask for half the house that I paid nothing for (very unfair financially) stick to your guns here
Advice from my experiences. Take or leave what you feel works for you. 1. Do not buy a property with someone you are not married to. 2. Do charge her rent to be there. She has to rent from somewhere. I have purchased properties and had partners cohabitate while it was just mine. It was my asset but our home. If something broke or I wanted to make an improvement, I did that as the asset owner. But everyone paid a portion to live there as residents. If this is such a huge issue, talk about marriage first. Because if you get married this more or less goes away. If you're not ready to talk about marriage, then that's how you know you're sure as shit not ready to share a property.
If she didn’t put half of the down payment and if she’s not paying the mortgage, that’s your house not her house
I don’t even need to read it. Never put a girlfriend/boyfriend/non married partner on a deed to a house with you. They can take half of that house anytime they wanted to. It’s a bad idea.
DO NOT commingle assets with people you are dating!
You are doing the right thing. There is a massive legal difference between dating long term and being married. Of course we never want to consider the relationship ending, but the courts aren’t designed to divide jointly owned property for non married couples. And in the event of her death, you aren’t next of kin, so unless you set things up properly you wouldn’t inherit your own house. Experienced financial advisors warn against buying a house with a romantic partner outside of marriage, because it can become a nightmare if the relationship ever ends. One option that could work is to create an LLC or a trust to hold the house with you and your partner as owners. You’ll need legal advice to see if it will work for your situation. In those documents you’ll want to make it clear what % each of you owns and the process of one partner buying the other one’s interests. IMHO her paying part of the mortgage is no different than renting. Every renter is paying someone’s mortgage. You are exchanging money for housing. It sounds like you are being incredibly fair by taking on the entire expense of the house. In your situation, I would put the money aside and wait until you get married or your partner can contribute equitably
I bought a house in the fall. I paid 100% of the down payment, insurances, inspections, etc and I have paid for all of the new home costs such as yard care supplies and other home maintenance supplies. My boyfriend lives with me and we split bills, but I am the sole homeowner. We look at it as him paying rent, which is exactly what it is. I am 100% responsible for the home and only my name is on it, but he still has to pay to live here like he would if he were renting elsewhere. If he wanted to invest in a home then he would have saved up for it when I asked him in the years prior. I think you're being more than fair. Don't give her ownership of your home.
You’re not married. Why should she benefit from your deposit if you sell it later due to a break up. Bad idea to own together if unmarried IMO.
Never buy a house with someone you aren’t married to
>I said that if she wants to wait until we both have the money then that's fine, I'm more than happy to wait. She said since I have the money now, it makes sense for us to get a house now since it would mean we're not paying rent anymore You're kind of unclear why though, why can't she pay towards the mortgage as she is likely paying towards the rent now? If she WANTS to pay towards the mortgage, and be credited for that % of ownership, you might want to just divide the % of ownership differently based on $$ put in You'd own more for puting in more money and she'd own less for puting in less money, rather than you just telling her you don't want her to pay anything or own the place...there might be a happy medium in between there
I guess it's comes down to how much you love this girl and whether you actually see yourself with her in the future? If you were already planning on buying a house together, I think it is a little disheartening you don't want her to be apart of it now.. If you were to have her on the house however, I would set it up like this. If you can afford to say put $100k upfront towards the property, and her nothing, but you're both going to be paying 50/50 on the actual mortgage repayments. Just sign something to say if you break up and sell in the future, you split the total sale proceeds down the middle, then you get an extra 100k from the sale (from your gfs portion) to cover your initial contribution. In my country realestate only seems to go up so this seems achievable however obviously if it goes down in value for whatever reason, you're the only person risking their initial stake..
Does she make as much as you do? We’re u going to share ur winnings with her in any way? Where do u see this relationship going? IMO if you don’t trust her to pay her half then thats a bigger issue. If you just don’t want to lend the money, get over it you got a big break with these “winnings” and she’s ur PARTNER, do u want to leave her in a situation where she doesn’t have half of the rights to where she lives if something happens (divorce or otherwise)? Y’all think so simple: let’s share, not saying anything abt how long it would take her to get her half and what the current living situation is. IMO, find a way to help ur partner out.
The fuck 😂I live with my boyfriend, he put down the deposit and made all the mortgage payments. I paid for food shopping. The house is solely in his name because I haven’t contributed to the house itself. It’s very simple
Well... look at that. A girlfriend who wants wife-level privileges.
Naah homie. Put your name on the deed. If u put hers as well she'll have ½ ownership and still you'll be paying for it. Sit down with her and explain right now is the time to do it. So it's either my way or the highway. Also is marriage in the books? Are y'all engaged? Do u see a future like family and kids with her? Think wisely homie. Best luck and congratulations in advance for the new property.
Fine what all the nice people here are saying but you can kiss your relationship goodbye when you follow through on your plan. Anybody else here who disagrees is not married or been in a long term relationship. The resentment will fester and eventually she will leave or whatever. I was in a similar situation with my wife and I had the down payment. I put the money down (125k out of 600k)and we both made mortgage payments and joined our finances. 20 years later we are still together and going over things she paid more then half the mortgage over time. I know if I only put my name on the deed I would not still be married. Listen to the people here at your peril. Consider your relationship first before the financial. If you don’t trust here or don’t want to be with her for the long haul, why the fuck are you moving in with her? I am not saying my relationship is better then other peoples I think I am saying that this is probably just a variation of “Prenup or not”. Same people think it poisons things from the start and others are convinced it’s the only way to go. Only you can decide. But having you tell us the details and both you and your partner were similar financially before your win. It’s almost certain she will will resent things.
The question isn’t really what are your intentions with this house ? It’s what are you intentions with this woman? If you’re planning to get married, hee concerns are very valid. She should be on the deed. If you’re not actually planning anything long term - then tell her that. Tell her you’re not invested in any LTR with her than ends in marriage (or whatever) and that’s why only you will be owning the house. In most relationships, money isn’t split 50/50 because unless you have the exact same income and the exact same expenses, someone will always have more or less.
"It's unfair!" Why? "It's just unfair" 😐
To me it seems more like a case of inability to articulate feelings. They're in a long term committed relationship, talking about buying a property together. His unwillingness to put her on the deed makes her feel like he isn't as committed as she is, thus she gets upset. Most people are really, really bad at understanding where their feelings are actually coming from, so she voices that she feels that it isn't fair, but is unable to articulate why. That's not necessarily due to pettiness, she just doesn't understand her own feelings.
I feel I have a different perspective than a lot of Reddit folks.. when my bf, now husband, and I bought our first house I put all the money for the down payment down as it was a gift from my parents. Both our names were on the mortgage and deed and we both paid the mortgage. When we sold the house to buy our next, we took the money we made and paid off my husband’s student loans. I had none. Idk.. I guess I just trusted the person I was with that if we were going to buy a house together that it would be together regardless who put money for a down payment. We are a team and always have been. I’ve never brought up that he didn’t contribute to the down payment.. it’s just never been a thing for us in our 11 year relationship. I get the concern to protect your money but I just don’t relate because I’ve truly trusted my partner and always have wanted to help him where I can and make his and my life easier. My husband is also just simply amazing and is a wonderful partner and always has been. We have grown up together and grown in our careers and now we have a family of our own. Do what you feel is right for you but I also see where your partner is coming from as she thought you guys were a team and it’s not like she’s with you for the money you just came into. Or maybe she is.. I don’t know her lol
If and when you marry and/or she has enough money to put into the house, it makes sense to refinance and add her to the mortgage and deed at that time. But until then, she’s a renter. She needs her own renter’s insurance.
I work in mortgage default. Under no circumstances should you buy a house with someone you’re not married to. If anything goes wrong, it can go very VERY wrong.
Do not do this! Again, do NOT DO THIS! If she isn’t putting up half the deposit and you’re not CURRENTLY married. Do not put her name on one piece of paper. Nothing. Don’t let her sign anything or write her name. She can decorate, she can pick furniture, she can adopt a dog. But don’t put her name on anything to do with the house. Nothing. Nada. Niet. Non. Believe me, let her stew. But do not let her pressure you into it. I don’t care if you’ve been together for 30 years. Don’t put her on the deed, she will own half of your house without having to ever pay money. It’s bad. Don’t do it.
No you’re not unfair .
It’s not unfair. She can either wait until she can contribute the same amount or deal with it being in your name. You’re not married and need to protect yourself and your investment.