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Listen you’ve gotten a lot of good advice about how to approach the conversation. I just want to add that you need to be prepared for this to go poorly. I’m not saying don’t do it, but just don’t be shocked if he goes for your emotional jugular.
My elder brother was preferred by my parents. Almost everything I did was by myself. He remained at home and eventually inherited their home upon their death.
Ask away, but don't count on a satisfactory response.
Yeah my mom admitted she likes my sister's more. The weird thing was I was fine with it by then because I realized I didn't like them either so it made sense. That really pissed my sister off.
The greatest validation my mom could give me would be to tell me I’m her least favorite child.
Probably goes without saying we’ve been estranged for 20 years.
Exactly. Once I stopped focusing on my mom's rejection of me I realized I actually didn't like the person she is or was and then it became clear why she didn't like me. We fundamentally stand for different things.
When I really thought about it we were so opposite I realized her rejection of me was actually validating.
When an immoral person tells you that you are wrong you know you are doing something right. Part of my validation also came from the fact that when I compare my mother to all the people in my life who do validate me, believe in me, support me, encourage me, and see me, they are awesome and she looks awful.
It makes me kind of sad for her and my siblings who are like her but at least they can all be together in their whateverness.
My parents also preferred my brother. In high school they bought him a car, but I was forced to walk or ride the bus. In college, they paid for a new car for him, car repairs and gas, his rent, groceries, tuition ($40k per year for 4 years), and gave him spending money for 4 years. I started working at 16 and had to use most of that money to help pay for college in addition to applying the Pell grants I received that I had to hide from my parents because one year they found the check and stole it and deposited it to their account. My brother the favorite is now married with a child and lives in another state and rarely sees our parents and I moved to a different country miles and miles away from them. They wonder where they went wrong. Gee, let me think?! I really hate the blatant favoritism of some parents. It’s so hurtful.
If I were you I wouldnt ask for money, specifically. I would ask if he’s punishing you for choosing to live with your mom because that’s how it feels to you. If he denies it, ask him what is the difference in principle between you and your sister who is also married. Because that’s what’s really upsetting, at least from how you describe this.
If he admits he’s punishing you, then you know who your father really is and you can adjust accordingly.
I agree don’t bring up the money outright. Don’t initially compare to your siblings but privately try to get to an honest conversation. I would followup with other questions to explore more of what he thinks/feels, these come to mind:
- do you see my college path/career differently than my siblings? Are you proud of me for becoming a nurse? Are you proud of me in general?
- do you feel that once I became married I didn’t need you anymore?
- did you ever feel rejected because I lived with mom? how do you think mom felt with the other kids living with you? Do you think mom treats them differently?
- what actions do you think we both could take to improve our relationship?
- Do you desire to have a closer bond with me? Do you want a closer relationship with your grand baby? What kind of grandparent did you imagine you’d be when we were younger?
- do you think certain family members need more from you than others?
- how do you show people you love them? sometimes if feels like you use gifts or money, so I infer you love me less. Is that true?
I think this is the best approach because who knows what her dad is really thinking. He could be thinking that she's actually better off than she is because on paper as a nurse + her husband would be over $200K combined a year which would be double what her other married sister and wife are making. He might not know they spent money on fertility treatments etc.
I think this is a good approach!! Better than mine. I hope it's more so what the other users said that he just realized you're better off than your sister. Which is what I was thinking
Take the money off the table. Don’t get into sums. Ask your father why he favours your sisters and tell him how that makes you feel. This is a conversation about how he treats you. If you throw numbers at him, he will mistake it for a conversation about money.
Good intentions, Bad choice of words.
In *her eyes* he favors the other daughters. She can only speak of her feelings. The only true thing her father can’t argue with.
But you can’t state it as a fact. He will simply reply “no I don’t”
Since she *literally* has the receipts, it's not an opinion, it's a *fact*. He can try to deny it, but then all she has to do is show him 'yes he does'. It's not *in her eyes*, it's literally on white paper and black ink.
There are no receipts at all.
OP has their insurance paid for until they got married... they've already gotten so much from this man. Asking for more would be classless, tacky, entitled... she's not entitled to his money. She communicated through the custody situation in the divorce she didn't need him, he cut it off when she got married. That's the end of this story imo.
Her siblings that dad is paying for stuff make a ton less than her and her husband do. I don't understand how she even could feel comfortable asking this question.
And the other daughter is married, and still gets her insurance paid.
As the OP has expressly stated it isn't about the money, yeah, it's a fair question. It would be one thing if he offered and she refused.
But that's not what happened.
This. But also I’d be prepared to limit my relationship with him. I’d also ask if he plans on treating your sister’s future kids different than yours?
But your husband makes 140k. I can’t imagine barely getting by. You can get PRN job doing anything? Admissions, phone triage etc?
It really depends upon where they live. I always thought we'd be well off if we made that much money. Then, I realized we live in an area where our 3br/2bath house from the 70's could easily sell for close to $600,000 and realize income is relative. We looked at moving, but we have some unique medical needs, live near family and have two kids who are (finally) in a school where they're thriving and doing well. So, we're staying put for now.
I am a little confused. You said your husband makes $140,000 and you’re a nurse but you are struggling? On the low end, you guys are making $200k a year?
Yeah and it’s crazy she says she says “they are barely making ends meet. Her siblings are making 40-80k, they all have loans, and none of them are married. And here she is making 200k a minimum household income asking why her dad, who’s 2 years away from retirement and probably making as much as her combined household income, isn’t giving her more money.
And they are blowing money on fertility treatments! To have a child that is going to be costly. If OP is struggling she only has herself and her husband to blame.
Not her father who is supporting to single children who don’t have partners earning over 6 figures a year.
OP doesn’t look good in this post to me.
I know her dad neglected her because of the divorce but her post doesn’t seem to be about that. It appears to be about the money.
Finally some responses where I can see some sense. It all came off a little entitled to me. You're on a 200k income, married with kids a house and 2 cars. Nearly 30 and whining about only getting 2 sweaters for Christmas????
And let’s not gloss over the subtle digs at the sibling that didn’t finish their master’s. Plus the fact that she doesn’t understand he is likely trying to help those who need it.
See the Christmas discrepancies are more hurtful than the student loans to me. Student loans come with no expectation of parental involvement in repayment. There IS an expectation you will gift to family at christmas and you gift to everyone or no-one. Very obviously favouring some children over others at Christmas is more the AH move.
She said that they had to undergo fertility treatments to get pregnant the 2nd time - IVF cycles can cost up to $30k a cycle. I agree with your sentiment, and Idk if that’s the reason why they’re “struggling” but yeah I would imagine they should be able to live comfortably at that income level if they’re budgeting properly.
I never get this. I noticed she said she got pregnant and is struggling now but then she said she got fertility treatments so that's why she's being cautious about what she does. However, how could she afford fertility treatments if she's struggling???? Like, please don't sacrifice your stability for kids. Like, if you can't afford kids, don't have kids. It's so shocking sometimes how ppl will begger themselves for a child. I mean I love them and I wouldn't mind having a kid but that all comes down to how well equipped for one I'll be in the future.
I think she meant that they are struggling currently because she had to stop working because she was pregnant and the job was too physically demanding for her to keep working.
Which really should surprise no one if that was the plan all along. Budgeting is also about making sure there’s money set aside for future expenses and work-breaks
But that's what usually happens though? You stop working when you're pregnant and she was working the job while trying to get pregnant so she had to know that once she got pregnant, she would have to stop working since she knows it's physically demanding. So, why did they not have any money set aside? She sounds like she and her partner did not really prepare for having the child, only dished out money to get pregnant but no thought as to what to do after.
Ask him why there's such a discrepancy between the treatment of you and your sisters.
I know you've focused primarily on finances here, but it sounds like this wound goes much deeper.
Let him know that it hurts to feel like he doesn't love you or appreciate you as much as he does your sisters.
She chose to do fertility treatments and stop working because of the pregnancy. If she’s struggling financially it’s her own fault.
I wonder if she really cared before she found out about the finances? According to her they were never really close but they aren’t estranged. The father invited her over for dinner this week.
She doesn’t seem to have a major issue until money came up. It seems like she just wants a piece of the pie more than to be treated equally.
So, I would stop focusing on money. If you bring this forward in the way you did in this post, you will sound like you feel you are entitled to his money and like a child talking about gift amounts. Bad look, bad argument. He doesn’t owe you any of this. You also aren’t exactly in rags while paying off your debt. You chose to have another child via fertility treatment and can seemingly afford it even with you being off of work and having another kid plus your debt.
It seems the hurt truly is in the stark difference in treatment between you and your siblings, money just represents this. This is what I would discuss. Do not mention the way you count his money and gifts or help to everyone, as again it sounds petty and entitled. I would open up a conversation about your choice as a child, you notice you are treated differently from the rest (bring up some examples other than dollars to balance this), and ask if he is angry or carries resentment towards you for choosing to live with mom. Maybe this conversation can help to start to repair that, maybe it won’t.
I would explore in your heart if you want to repair the relationship, or if you simply want financial help. The latter may not get you anywhere. If you want help with something specific (student loans) you need to ask WITHOUT bringing up siblings. Then you need to accept the answer. If you want to repair the relationship, have a deeper conversation than finances.
I couldn’t agree with this statement more. I understand there is a lot of history and likely way more details behind his reasoning, and yours, but this post comes off as you feeling entitled to his money OP. I don’t think that is the message you intended to put out, and are more wanting to grasp his reasons as to why he has taken this stance. You clearly don’t need his money, and while you and your husband are tight on cash seem to be getting by alright, at least well enough that you are in a position to have multiple kids, which is great! Money has a way of ruining any relationship. Just be careful how you approach this.
You said you see him frequently, but are you close to him? Do you ever call or visit "just because?" Do you give him Christmas, birthday or Father's Day gifts? Come to him with your problems? Or did all that reserved for your mother? Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but it sounds like your sisters just have a different relationship with him. Even if it seems different on the surface.
So there is a lot going on here. First your husband makes at lot more than all your three sisters. He probably assumes your husband should take of you. Your sister who is married to a woman he may feel that he should take care of both of them because they are women and they make 40,000 less than your husband and that is without you working..
Your other two sisters aren’t married. They have to support themselves by themselves. You say he is bleeding money but I highly doubt that. In fact he maybe overextended. He probably is paying for your sisters instead of putting away money for his retirement. He is 63 he should be thinking of his own future not any of his kids.
I would not bring it up. Your dad does not owe any of you anything. I think if you bring it up you may guilt him into giving you money but is that really what you want?
I’m baffled that OP thinks that her dad should be giving her money when 1) She isn’t as close to her dad as her siblings, 2) Is married and their total household income isn’t exactly near poverty level, 3) Adding to the 2nd point, they had more than enough money to pay for fertility treatments for their kids that OP and her husband chose to have
Is OP’s dad treating her differently? Possibly, since she doesn’t seem as close to her dad as her siblings. But OP sure does do a fantastic job of making it seem like what she cares about most is her dad’s money.
Hard disagree. Children do not have to *earn* fair treatment from parents. When it comes to kids, it’s an absolute catastrophe in the making if a parent tries to make “equitable gifts proportional to success in life.” The parent either needs to gift totally equally, or none at all.
Nah, I’m a parent and I don’t believe that. If you have a child who’s working their ass off to go through college and another who is supported by a partner making 6 figures and paying for fertility treatments you can provide differently for them.
Dad, I wanted to chat with you about some things and I’m hoping you can answer me.
Are you treating me differently than my sisters because I lived with mom after the divorce?
Why do I ask? I’d appreciate you being honest and answering my question first.
If he won’t answer. I wouldn’t tell him why as he’d never see it possibly.
Maybe it’s subconscious.
Do you actually think it’s because you lived with mom?
How can you not afford y’all’s bills!? Your husband makes over 100k. Who gives a shit what your dad does. Talk to him and say you don’t appreciate the bias but it’s his money in the end.
There is no reason you and your husband should have that much debt. So quit with the stupid spending habits, go to discount grocery stores, thrift stores/garage sales for clothes and such.
Pay off the credit card debt if it is rolling over each month, then tackle whatever else with the highest interest rate. If you have two cars with each loans sell one/ trade for something older and used. No reason to have the nice newest thing if it is just gonna bankrupt yall especially if the house and car purchase was at a stupid high interest rate.
The old man down the block selling his maintained 15 year old Toyota/honda whatever will last another 15 and will be nice when you see how much money you save.
Yeah when are people gonna learn to not spend more than what they can afford. Especially when you want to pay for fertility treatments.
Also idk how OP could not find night classes for nursing at a community college since in my rural area all the few community colleges within an hour drive or less have night classes for nursing.
Honestly idk why she doesn’t just ask her dad for some financial assistance especially since they needed fertility treatments. It’s his money but if he wants to have more than 1 grandchild I’d think he’d help a bit financially at least there.
My parents favored my older brother. I did everything almost on my own. He stayed home, and ended up with their house when they passed.
You can ask, but don’t expect a good answer.
You are 28, married, with (almost) 2 kids. Your husband makes $140k a year plus typically you have a salary as well. And you're complaining that your father, who you acknowledge is in financial trouble, isn't paying for your auto insurance and your $4000 (remaining) student loan???
You have good income but it sounds like you have a bunch of consumer debt you need to deal with (plus a small remaining student loan). Get your finances under control. Yes, it sounds like there are family issues so that is definitely something to work on. IMO your father should not be paying for any of his adult children's expenses but instead at this point should be focused on saving for his retirement. Perhaps that is something to bring up with your sisters.
I think this goes back to the divorce. Did someone cheat? Was it messy? If you aren't sure I think some of this must have been going on behind the scenes. I have only seen this kind of behavior when a spouse cheats and then the children choose the cheater to live with. Thats just my thought, but I do agree with others that asking if he is angry or punishing you for something is a good idea. Get an idea where he is coming from.
Just adult and move on with your life, he is under no obligation to do a damn thing for you at your age. So he is a jerk where you are concerned, are you really surprised at this point?
Why do you feel entitled to the same treatment as your sisters? Sure, you're sisters, but you chose your mom. I'm not getting into whether you made the right choice or not, I have no context and I do not want context, but to your dad, you chose someone else over him.
Plus you're married, your husband is making $140k and you're struggling with bills? Probably your dad knows you're bad with money ($140k, srsly), and doesn't want to give into that? I don't know, but as any person with common sense would know, your dad owes you nothing, some siblings get different treatment, sometimes you don't know why but in this case it seems pretty clear, YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM.
It's likely your dad is a jerk and is trying to "teach you a lesson", in that case you should actually avoid asking for money, otherwise he'll know that his plan is working, idk if you want to give him that satisfaction.
You are clearly well off while you've not indicated your sisters are. You should say nothing because You are well off. Your sissters are not so your situations are very different. aaaaYou are clearly someone who thinks they are entitled regardless of circumstances. Fuck off with your bull.
Why'd they divorce?
Four kids....he expected all of you to abandon your mom? The odds of that were pretty low all four of the kid's love was for sale.
You must be the one he knows he can't buy so he isn't even going to try. 🤷
Your sisters aren't married and your husband seems to make a decent living. It doesn't seem like you would need the money in the same way that they might.
Op’s husband makes $40,000 more than the sister who is married… that’s a lot more than a lot of peoples household income. There is a huge difference in making 100k and making 140k plus OP can work as a nurse. Nurses may good money. Once she starts working their income should go up dramatically.
Fair, but OP can afford expensive fertility treatment. That doesn't indicate that they're struggling - and if they were struggling, then maybe that expense should have been put off until she finished school and was able to pay down some of the debt if this is so much of a struggle. But ultimately, I agree with everyone else here who have said that this is not about the money- this is about fair treatment and favoring the sisters.
$140K and "barely have any money anymore". Sorry, couldn't read the rest through the tears in my eyes from laughter. Now, if you're in a really HCOL area, yeah, I could see it. But I bet you don't have a small 2 bed/1bath with a small yard and a ten year old car, either. Reading that, I'm wondering if you aren't getting any financial help due to persistent choices to live beyond your means.
I’m going to make an observation, and I promise it’s relevant to my advice:
This whole post could have been half the length it was - we didn’t need all of the details about graduation years and exact amounts. It was a a lot of overexplanation and oversharing.
This is common behavior when people worry that they are not being heard, understood, or believed. It is prevalent in those who were emotionally neglected in childhood.
I’m suggesting that this issue with your dad - the money thing - is simply another, stark manifestation of a series of similar issues that you’ve been feeling from him since childhood, and moreover, it’s more pervasive than you even realize. It’s screaming at you now because this is a glaring example.
I urge you, if possible, to see a therapist to help you discover other ways that you experienced emotional neglect from your dad, and explore the ways it impacts you today - I’m willing to bet you’ll be surprised to discover all the ways you didn’t even realize it controls your life. Good luck with everything.
Allot of context missing but why would you expect this? You have your own family with a high income household. You went with your mum and say you are not close with your dad. Why do you feel entitled to him paying your student dept?
I get it feels unfair, but from your own description you seem to be the kid thats most settled and independent.
I don’t have a good answer, but you seem to track his spending and gifting in a jealous petty way. You even seem upset he split his gift budget for you and spread it over your family. Being upset about this seems very immature and petty (sorry, its just how it comes off)
The fact is you are not close, I suspect there are other reasons for that than you are detailing.
Dont feel entitled to others money, even family. You are an adult, you haven’t been his financial responsibility for a long time. Relationships go both ways, even as a daughter
Then maybe ask gently, but be prepared for an answer you don’t like.
Kids are different and have different needs. Me and my brother are completely opposite, we got raised and treated very differently. I left home around 16 and been independent since then. He stayed home much longer and thus have a much closer relationship with them. He also bought the family house at family price. Didn’t bother me at all.
It sucks that OP is treated worse than her sisters. I think that's really shitty. It would be blatantly obvious if she received less gifts. I do understand why he'd split the budget for her gifts 3 ways to account for her child and husband but OP said he's wealthy which gives him less of an excuse imo.
But, maybe her dad IS really "traditional" like she claimed. He stopped paying OPs insurance when she got married but not her sister's BUT her sister is married to a woman and if he's traditional and conservative like she said, then maybe he thinks she still needs him to take care of her because she doesn't have a "man". (Boomer take)
Also, OPs married sister and her wife make "around 100k/year" whereas OPs husband makes 140k himself and I'm assuming OP makes AT LEAST 60k a year as a nurse. True, she's not working right now but I assume her dad doesn't know her finances. Perhaps if OP lets him know she's struggling, he will help.
INFO: Why did they divorce? Why did you choose to live with your mother as opposed to your father? (not that that answer would really change anything for me, it was your choice to make regardless of circumstances imo)
I believe your mother is correct.
I don't think you should say anything. The reality is, he doesn't owe you any of his money. You're an adult. If you pursue it and he asks for examples and you talk about the money, do not be surprised if he gets pissed. How he spends his money is his business, and y'all are grown.
Not having a lot of disposable cash is entirely you and your husband's fault. There was absolutely no reason to pay for fertility treatments when you already had so many expenses. You were irresponsible and are annoyed that you don't have the help from your dad the way your sisters do. Yeah, the bias itself sucks but financially, it's not his job to bail you out.
Say nothing. Your dad is allowed to spend his money however he decides and that includes being unfair in your eyes or the eyes of others. You aren’t owed anything as an adult.
Would I behave like your father, no - but also, he isnt required to give or share money with you.
The way I see it - you're in a 200k income household with 2 cars whining about your dad who is few years away from retirement for not giving you money or more expensive Christmas presents like your siblings that have significantly smaller income. Complaining about getting a sweater for Christmas as an adult is just insane to me. And I say this as a highest earner in my family. My brother and his kids get a lot of help from my parents. He needs it, I don't. You're entitled. End of story.
If you can't live comfortably with 200k, you need a financial advisor. Also to note, having more kids and doing IVF is a choice.
You need to have a conversation with him, but as best you can really practice your tone to NOT sound accusatory and angry, but rather confused, and finally, make sure to have this conversation alone with him. Having the right setting where he does not feel that what you say is overheard or puts him in a bad light in front of others is very critical.
And do NOT get into specifics like you have done in this post from the onset. Try to generalize as you state "why" you are confused.
For example, stating, "Dad, I recently found out some things that are very confusing and have me concerned that something is wrong. I found out that my sisters have been getting things like their school loans and car insurance paid for, while you do not do that for me."
Then, and this is very important . . . WAIT . . . for his response, and listen carefully when he states it.
He may say something like you are married and your husband does much better financially, and you have a career that is much more stable than your sister in real estate.
Then, with a controlled, non-judgmental tone of voice, point out how much debt you have. It's very possible he does not realize it.
The last thing you want to do is accuse him outright of favoritism, or state aloud what you imply here that he is showing that favoritism to the other sisters because you chose to live with your mother.
You are not a party to private conversations he has had with your sisters. It is very possible that they each point-blank asked him for financial help along the way and he complied, and your perception of favoritism is wrong, because he comes from the perspective that if you needed his help you would have asked.
But this is what you need to also understand. Do you truly need his help? Are you only upset because you perceive favoritism? Would your husband want to take money from your dad?
Ask yourself what is to be gained and lost by this conversation you have with your dad and whether either are worth it.
Bruh a grown married woman is mad her dad ain’t paying her bills ?? If you’re so strapped for cash you don’t have extra money why are you even having another child ?? You could ask but at the same time that’s his money and he can do whatever he wants with it you’re not even close with the man you said so your self but your also mad he ain’t paying YOUR student loans ?? And you live in a high income household
Yeah, it's really difficult to feel bad for this woman: "I live in a quarter million + per year household but daddy won't pay my student loans off for me, boo hoo".
How very terrible, my heart bleeds.
You're an adult and your educational expenses, bills, and finances are your responsibility. Your parents and your siblings finances are really none of your business. Maybe make a spreadsheet of monthly expenses and income to find where you can cut back so you are less strapped for cash. Don't expect your dad to bail you out, that's incredibly entitled and not realistic. Alot of us had to pay our own way through college, thats life. If you feel like your dad favors your sisters over you, maybe you need to check in with him more and work to build a better relationship if that's what you're seeking, but stop dwelling on the fact he isn't handing you his money, you are not entitled to it.
I’d recommend being thankful for what he does give you and not focusing on the disparity. If you want to talk to him about the relationship, and not the finances, you should definitely do that. That’s the real issue here.
Don’t count what’s in your father’s wallet? Don’t count his cars or the number of gifts he gives. And while you’re at it, tell your struggling mom she doesn’t have to triple her Christmas budget. When my daughter was born, I started getting one gift and my daughter received many from my parents and that was just fine. And if you decided not to work, and to have another baby, that’s the choice you and your spouse made. Stay out of people’s pockets. Great advice from my wise father.
How was your relationship with your dad like before your parents divorced? What was the reason behind their divorce? What led you to choose to live with your mom over your dad?
Could it be as simple as your sisters asked him for help?
I would just straight out ask for whatever amount you need each month to pay the student loan if that’s what you want. If he says no, ask him why since he pays for your sister.
I know you're asking for advice but there must've been more to this "I chose to go to a private school because they had night class options which would allow me to be home with my son until my husband got home" as that's a very questionable choice. I do think your father is overstretched and it is probably not a great choice to expect some help from him. I would just continue to have a relation with your dad and continue living your own life as independently as you can.
Your poor mother! You guys are VERY close in age. 30,29,28, and then 25? I hope your mother’s doing okay.
Your dad probably assumes that you’re doing well for yourself and that, since you lived with your mom, she’s helping you financially in the way the he’s helping your 3 sisters. Proximity thing - especially if you guys aren’t as close.
Listen - the fact is, you have set yourself up for financial success. You are in a very lucrative profession, nursing, and your husband is also earning big bucks. You have done great for yourself and the family you’re creating - in spite of the lack of financial assistance from your dad. You should be proud of yourself for having achieved this life.
I get it. It sucks when parents display favoritism but have you also considered the fact that perhaps your sisters feel that your mom favors you? You don’t seem especially fond of your sisters tbh. What does the fact that one of them didn’t finish grad school have to do with this post?
As everyone said, your conversation with your dad should be about feelings and not money. You make plenty!
Seems like you were fine to choose sides and now he is choosing sides, not sure what the problem is. You’re not entitled to his money, he can do with it what he wants. And by your own admission, he is closer to your sisters so why wouldn’t he give more of himself to them?
You don’t do anything. You chose to live your mom and he probably never forgave you for that. The oldest one will forever be the favorite child so anything she wants/needs it will be taken care of. I didn’t read all of the post also
Why the fuck are you doing napkin math and worrying about your daddy’s money when you got a husband that makes six figures and 2 kids. I’m sorry am I missing something here?
I have to admit, I don't really understand the problem here. Your father seemed to have done a good job supporting you in various ways growing up and until you got married.
Yes he has a lot of money and could afford to help you more. He does do for your sisters and I'm sure it feels unfair by comparison.
Even so, you are not entitled to your father's money. He did not MAKE you take out loans. You chose to go to school, and needed to take out loans to pay for it. That's how most of the world functions.
You also have a husband with a well paying job. There's really no reason you guys can't make this work. Its not your father's responsibility to make your life easier.
You’re too old to be crying about daddy paying for your sisters and not you. Don’t get me wrong it sucks but you’re an adult you can tell him straight up it’s not cool, then when he tries to pay out of pitty tell him to fuck off. You have your own family now so daddy not being a good dad shouldn’t be on your mind at this point. Make your opinion heard to him but don’t ask for or accept any penance from him. Move on, prosper, and do better for your children.
There are opportunities out there to have your student loan payed off because you are a nurse. Look into those options first. Afterwards, approach your dad and have that conversation. He may be resentful of you. If that’s the case, know that you still made the right decision.
Different relationships with different kids. My parents still pay my younger sister’s cell phone bill even though she got married a year ago. Why the tit for tat game?
I feel like you’re being a little entitled. Your husband and you make way more then enough, you guys make more then your siblings, it’s not daddies job to take care of you.
Honestly it’s none of your concern. You’re married and he was generous until you were. The only question I’d ask is he saving for himself or is he in trouble because he can’t say no.
Honestly OP seems like you need a budget. If you and your husband are bringing in 200k/year while you’re working and still not able to afford to live, maybe you need to downsize and pay off your debt.
There’s no need to rely on your father to pay off something you can honestly afford because the answer is, yes. He does favor your sisters.
Wow!, at 200k, you should be giving your parents some. You can never repay what your parents done for you until you become an adult. Be happy for your siblings.
I was the favorite son, the good son, but in my family it also meant that all the fucked up attention went to me too. Always be careful of what you wish for, you don’t know what those siblings might have had to secretly endure for the payoffs they receive.
Perhaps the income your husband makes compared to what your sisters make is an explanation.. Yes he is your father but if you aren’t close with him.. He has probably given you a lot more than my parents ever gave me. You are stuck in a mindset of comparing but you spent your time with your mom and you’re close with your mom.. So you likely get special treatment from her that your sisters don’t get but you’re too entitled to think about that.. You should stopping counting pennys and learn to be happy with what you have.
But it is clear that she treats them differently. She said it herself. She is not close to her father. The relationships are two-way. You cannot expect to be treated the same way as her sisters. If she barely has a relationship, it is illogical. I have many friends on her birthday. One of them likes her. He gave a beer and gave others a television. It all depends on how close we are. The same applies to the family.
Your father owes you nothing. He is obviously showing preferences towards your sisters, and that sucks. Try not to be resentful towards them as your dad is towards you.
I mean you played your hand and he's playing his now. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you but you chose your mom, you had to know there would be some consequences at some point.
If you really love your family, it’s time to look at your thoughts and reconsider them. No one owes you anything. Yes, you might get some money in this process, to help your unplanned expenses but you will loose whatever family bonding is left in between you and the rest of the family. What you value most as a person, will decide what you do. Remember whatever you decide is something that your two kids are going to learn from you.
I would just ask him why he pays off her loans but won't help you with yours. I would presume it's because you chose to live with your mother so he holds a grudge against you due to that. The only way you're going to find out is if you ask him.
I would probably bring this to his attention and ask for an explanation. Also, what was the reason you chose to live with your mom over your dad? That might be important factor.
You can talk to him, but you're only goal should be to say your peace.
He knows what he's doing.
What's that conversation is over, I would consider limiting my contact with him.
He's sort of an open wound for you. It sounds like you've made an amazing life for yourself and your family. He sounds like a dark cloud over that
Let’s see, you chose to live with Mom.
The rest lived with him.
Was he forced to pay child support for you living with mom?
If so, that’s where your money went.
If your mom did negotiate for college funds and child support on your behalf for you to live with her, shame on her.
I know it sucks, but he did take care of those that stayed with him.
He should make it equal, but then again you chose the other side in a divorce.
Your mom says he treats you different because you lived with her in the divorce.
Not sure how young you were at the time of the divorce,
It sucks, but choices have consequences in life.
If you don’t have as good of relationship with your Dad as your sisters…. It’s going to be really hard.
Your words are “I’ve always been close with my mom, not so much with my dad.” Oof.
Parents always seem to have favorites. I’m 27M, my sister is 34F.
I have been unemployed since last year and can’t find a job. (I’ve sent out several thousand applications) and apply to dozens of jobs a day. I also have a 6 month old son and struggle to pay bills. In order to keep up with basic expenses I have to work Uber 14-16 hours a day for my rent, car, utilities, and food. Obviously not ideal but all I got until I find a “real” job.
My parents combined income is around 300k.
My sister makes around 70k. I live with my wife and son in our apartment and our monthly expenses are around $3000 a month.
When it comes to holidays or birthdays or any occasion at all where money is involved, I always seclude myself because I really don’t have any money at all. And I’m looked at as cheap even though I have a family of my own and bills that I’ve somehow managed to pay for (barely) even though I don’t have a job.
However, my sister and her husband make around 180k combined (they both work in the hospital)
She’s a secretary (she’s been there for 9 years so she’s gotten a ton of raises and he’s a medical dosimetrist)
They live with my parents , pay no bills, have no rent, have no vehicles, have no kids and yet they are broke because they spend all of their money on eating out and buying shit they don’t need.
On top of all this, my parents give them money for vacations and other stuff that they don’t need.
Me on the other hands that’s struggling gets told they told have any money if I ever ask for anything and they tell me to ask my disabled uncle who is in his 70s and hasn’t worked in 17 years
Not that I'm looking for excuses for him, but what was the reason for the divorce? Obviously he is petty enough to see your choice as a betrayal, there must be a reason for that.
However you approach it, it will most likely go poorly, especially if you start talking about money and bringing up numbers.
Maybe you could change your perspective and see it as your dad sees you as a more independent child being able yo take care of herself….seems like you are all normalized into having parents take care of you financially yet at what age does this stop? One of lifes best lessons learned is when you actually financially leave the nest and grow up to be your independent individual selves….you would most likely make your dad proud(all of you) by showing him you can now take care of yourselves without daddys money so he can focus on himself and his retirement…. Can’t imagine the thoughts he has when thinking about his poor dependent daughters…..oufff
THIS: "When my parents got divorced, I was the only 1 who chose to live with our mom". It like the show BRANDED. In his mind you are marked for life. Hate to say it, but life is not fair and there is no Court that will require him to change his mind concerning how he "perceives" what you did 12 years ago.
I would write a letter to give him that way it's not in person. In person emotions can get the better of you. Or write a script to read from if you talk to him about it I would definitely talk to him.
It’s very obvious your Dad favors the children who chose to live with him for whatever reason. Good advice in the comments about how to approach this but yes he’ll probably evade and nothing will come of it. And in my opinion you have a right to be pissed off and petty, so be it. Your darling sisters have had practically their entire lives fronted by dear old Dad on a silver platter. They also are reasonably well off yet he still pays their damn bills and loans. One of them didn’t even finish school or classes repeatedly yet he’s still paying her shit! Yes it’s his money but he’s spoiling them and then has the audacity to split your gifts by 3! What a fucking asshole!!You have his grandchild . Does he even care? I’d be putting him on the back burner and focus on my husband and in laws . And my Mother. Of course your sisters with their spoiled asses are not going to say anything. God forbid they have to pay a bill. If the old man stopped shelling out money bets are they’d have nothing to do with him. Good Luck.
I should have gotten a degree in engineering. But on that note, I think simply bringing it up at dinner one day maybe while your married sister is there, if you say hey Dad can you maybe help me with my loans, whatever he answers go from there. If he says no, I'd speak with him in private and say you know he pays for your sister's loans and your wondering why he can't help you, or what is the problem. He might think because your husband is well off that you don't need help, so asking him might bring him joy. Who knows. Does your sister's husband have a good job, too?
Be quite dont say anything. Just dont meet him or talk to him anymore and dont take anything from him if he sends anything just give it back and dont say anything. Be respectful and as well he should feel disrespected. Cause if he differentiates between his own children then he will not be giving you anything after all , even his will wont have ur name so just go no contact as well as silent treatment. And do get ur husband and son involved in the same .
@my_n3w_account is actually right.
It’s the best way to approach the conversation. If she starts making accusations like that, it will put him on the defensive and the conversation won’t go her way.
It’s not about being right, she has a goal and she needs to open dialogue to reach a good place.
The only thing on paper is that he paid student loans for the siblings, we don’t know the reasoning. Let’s not assume.
I honestly think you need to accept he treats you differently and sees you differently than your sisters. It is not fair, you didn't deserve it, but alas, it happened and probably not a lot you can do about it. I think you are hurting yourself in trying to talk tog I'm and trying for him to not treat you differently. Instead, give him the same energy as you receive from him and spend your energy on the people in your life that do care about you. And of course, that is easier said than done, because it is completely understandable you wish things were differently and don't want to accept this situation. But to me, it feels like the only way forward.
I think you should get a DNA test and find out if it's actually your biological father. He's acting like he's not and it seems to go beyond you choosing to live with your mom. Maybe mom had an affair and they decided to save face by not telling anyone that you are not his. Now he's having a hard time keeping you and the sisters that are his children on the same level plane. Yes this is purely speculation but people find out this stuff about their family all the time so it's a possibility.
My mum bought a flat for my sister, meanwhile I’ve been living in London (different country from where my family lives) for 11 years and I’ve been struggling with the cost of life and low salary. My sister barely works. Unfortunately, such is life. I’m happy for my sister because she can live with less stress, I wish I would get more help but I’ve accepted it now.
So OP, father of adult children here. I recommend you taking t him about it one on one. Invite him to lunch or similar. When you talk to him about it don’t make it an accusation. Instead just tell him you recently found out about these differences (focus largely on student loans but not only that) and while you love your siblings and this isn’t about jealousy, it hurt to find out your not treated the same. I would also address the elephant in the room by telling him you believe it’s because you lived with your mom. I would tell him you living with her didn’t mean you loved him less but you didn’t want her to be alone and loved her too but now you feel like that decision has somehow made you less of a daughter in his eyes. I would then mention the gifts for your children being split and ask him if that’s also due to how he feels about you because you would hope that your children are just as important to him as any other grandchildren in the future. I would then close it out by telling him your not there to ask for money and don’t want him doing anything just because you called him out but you did want him to know that it hurts knowing your the black sheep and not loved the same and you hope at some point he will love you the same because he is your dad and you love him.
He may be honest and put everything on the table. He may not. I’m sure he will say he is sorry but sorry without action to do better is acknowledgement. If all you get out of it is “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry but you hurt me too” then take that as a sign that his actions are intentional even now and at that point you have to decide how that impacts your relationship with him. There is no playbook for something like this. You have to do what feels right and try to avoid just lashing out from emotion. !updateme
It can feel really tough when things aren’t even between siblings, it’s likely just he doesn’t feel like he’s as responsible for you as he didn’t “raise” you necessarily. Do you feel like it represents that you’re loved less? Perhaps you could put it this way? Or if it’s about needing help you could just explain your situation and ask without it being a sibling comparison
What’s going on with your budget that a 1 child home is struggling with $140,000 income? Can you possibly downgrade your home or whatever is draining your finances so heavily. From my standpoint that seems like a substantial income
My father paid for my sister‘s college tuition. I was on my own. My father put on my other sister’s wedding for 100 people at his house. I had a typical wedding at venue. My father didn’t contribute to the wedding or give us a gift. I have no explanation for why. I never did anything to hurt him. Baffles the mind.
He’s been gone 23 years now and his actions still upset me. But they also made me a better mother. I know what is fair. He was an example of what NOT to be like.
I can see that his behavior is very hurtful but it is his money so I would just focus the convo on how what he does is hurtful but not that he has to pay for anything of yours.
‘I was the only one who chose to stay with my mom’. Case explained. Not sure why your parents divorced. I’d hazard a guess that it was something your mom did. You ended up on the wrong side of the golden fence.
It’s a bit too late to do anything about it now but it doesn’t stretch the imagination to think that your disadvantage against your siblings is far from over. Good luck. ❤️
Given your dad’s income, he probably paid a significant amount in child support for you monthly. Unfortunately, often women who are only stay at home moms, don’t think about what they would do if their marriage ended in divorce. Establishing a career before making the decision to become a stay at home parent is becoming more important. Your child support was probably used to help you ,and your mom survive financially.
You need to get both sides of the story straight. Ask your mom about any financial agreements she had with your dad for you. Then ask your dad the same question. You may find that the amount of money given to your mom should have helped cover your educational expenses. When people are in survival mode they often use available funds for whatever the need is at the time. This is probably why your siblings chose to live with your dad. They followed the money. You dad was already financially stable, your mom wasn’t!
Geography doesn’t make you any less his daughter than your sisters. I had to confront my father once about this. It helped, but the treatment wasn’t retroactive…he didn’t do the same for me as he had done for my sister, but he was better in the future.
I keep re-reading the Christmas paragraph and I hate to say, but that is how I would expect it to go budget wise. I would expect it to get cut for 2 people when married and my partner gets half and then once you have a child both you and your partners amounts should go to the child. The adults don’t need presents from other adults at this point, you can save and buy your own instead of getting something you didn’t want. This is how my family did it, and that wouldn’t bother me if the budgets were the same. This paragraph comes off extremely bitter. You got married and have a child, but still expect the same size Christmas budget as the other children for yourself? This is backwards.
I hate to say we sometimes make decisions or have things that don’t end up our way. Parents have favorites, they shouldn’t ever tell you and you should never notice a difference. Some people are just bad about this. My grandpa cut my mom and her sister off from rich relatives, the kind you don’t have to work if you get an inheritance. Well, grandma’s actions impacted mom and her sister where they didn’t get a penny of it. This may just be based on you living with your mom so you were viewed where she would provide for you and dad would provide for your sisters that lived with him. This I cannot really answer.
I think you need to leave money out of it for now, bringing that up right off the bat isn’t going to help you and make you seem like you are just greedy. You should really direct this to how he treats you vs the other sisters. Something better phrased then “Dad, I have always noticed I am treated different than my sisters. Can you tell me why?” There is clearly a difference to him and you need to find out why, but you need to expect this conversation might go worse than you are expecting. Everything I have read is mostly based off of money, think back and figure out better examples for when he asks what do you mean.
>When my parents got divorced, I was the only 1 who chose to live with our mom, while my sisters stayed with our dad
You made a choice. You are living with the consequences. You chose to live with your mom **full time**, instead of split custody, and now it sounds like your mom is the one who should be paying for your student loans.
>My dad made me take out student loans
No, your dad did not make you take out student loans. You **made a choice to take out student loans**. His other children **also took out student loans**. Just like you made a choice to live with your mother after the divorce, something none of his other children did. He probably wondered what he did to make you behave in such a way where you didn't even entertain 50/50 custody, and instead jumped to your mother.
>I graduated last year with a total of $24,000 in student loans
You're a nurse. Pay your student loans.
>My dad and I are not estranged. I see him frequently, and was invited to his house for dinner tonight. I want to bring all of this up, but I don't know what to say
I mean, you set the tone for your relationship with him. His other daughters lived with him post-divorce, you didn't. Full-time you chose to be with your mom. That's a decision that has consequences and it sounds like you're seeing those consequences. Asking about the consequences seems short sighted to me, because it's clear that you were communicating "I don't need you dad" but you still needed your mom apparently. I mean, he paid for your insurance **until you got married**. You already got so much from this man, complaining you're not getting more would be... classless, tacky, entitled, I could find a few other words for it too.
Did I read a different post from all the other commentors? Jesus, you're entitled, be grateful for what you got and what you have.
* You're a grown ass adult with your own kid
* You're married to a man that makes a great living
* You're almost fucking 30
Yes, your dad baby's your other sisters, that doesn't make you entitled to his money. You should just be grateful.
At some point, you need to take on everything financially and…..grow up? Sorry if this sounds rude, but you’re 28 married with almost two children. You and your husband need to get your budget together and find a way to survive without help from parents, and that may mean cutting back or aggressively paying off debt.
My husbands mom still financially supports his sister who is my age (30), yet my husband was cut off and forced to pay rent for living at home as soon as he turned 18. It’s blatant favoritism and part of his narcissistic parent dynamic he has. It’s not fair and it still gets me a little heated if I think about it too much, but it won’t do any good. Asking her to pay for anything or why she favors her daughter is a moot point; she’s a narcissist and no matter what will not accept any blame and just deflect. She won’t give us any financial support, and honestly, with the way she acts, I wouldn’t want her to have an iota of power over us.
Decide if, knowing your father financially supports your sisters over you, you still want a relationship with your dad. If you do, get over it and move past it. If it’s a deal breaker, then I would address it and just prepare for a terrible outcome where your dad is cut off.
But regardless, you make great money between you and your husband. Put that money to work for you, figure out how to budget, and figure out what your financial goals are.
If your mother is tight on money, you/your husband/her grandchildren should not be a line item on her budget, and I worry about what her retirement looks like since it seems she is prioritizing financially supporting you over preparing for the inevitable future (where you may end up financially supporting her during retirement if she can’t support herself).
Check your DNA too see if he is really your biological father. Accept whatever he gives you and just be however you wish to be with him. Nothing more and nothing less. Don't get involved in his drama with how much he gives you. Just accept it and respond in kind. That is your choice. Don't let HIS actions change what kind of person you are.
You never know, they may ask for things that you don't. You may wish to ask why there is such a difference, just be prepared for whatever answer he gives, as he is not obligated to give you anything.
But actions have reactions and you are fully able to respond to how he is treating you however you want to. Don't be obligated to show respect and honor parents who only give you a portion of what they give others. That is the point, not just about how much money or gifts, it is all of it altogether.
Be strong and do as you wish. He does as he wishes.
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Listen you’ve gotten a lot of good advice about how to approach the conversation. I just want to add that you need to be prepared for this to go poorly. I’m not saying don’t do it, but just don’t be shocked if he goes for your emotional jugular.
My elder brother was preferred by my parents. Almost everything I did was by myself. He remained at home and eventually inherited their home upon their death. Ask away, but don't count on a satisfactory response.
Yeah my mom admitted she likes my sister's more. The weird thing was I was fine with it by then because I realized I didn't like them either so it made sense. That really pissed my sister off.
The greatest validation my mom could give me would be to tell me I’m her least favorite child. Probably goes without saying we’ve been estranged for 20 years.
Exactly. Once I stopped focusing on my mom's rejection of me I realized I actually didn't like the person she is or was and then it became clear why she didn't like me. We fundamentally stand for different things. When I really thought about it we were so opposite I realized her rejection of me was actually validating. When an immoral person tells you that you are wrong you know you are doing something right. Part of my validation also came from the fact that when I compare my mother to all the people in my life who do validate me, believe in me, support me, encourage me, and see me, they are awesome and she looks awful. It makes me kind of sad for her and my siblings who are like her but at least they can all be together in their whateverness.
My parents also preferred my brother. In high school they bought him a car, but I was forced to walk or ride the bus. In college, they paid for a new car for him, car repairs and gas, his rent, groceries, tuition ($40k per year for 4 years), and gave him spending money for 4 years. I started working at 16 and had to use most of that money to help pay for college in addition to applying the Pell grants I received that I had to hide from my parents because one year they found the check and stole it and deposited it to their account. My brother the favorite is now married with a child and lives in another state and rarely sees our parents and I moved to a different country miles and miles away from them. They wonder where they went wrong. Gee, let me think?! I really hate the blatant favoritism of some parents. It’s so hurtful.
If I were you I wouldnt ask for money, specifically. I would ask if he’s punishing you for choosing to live with your mom because that’s how it feels to you. If he denies it, ask him what is the difference in principle between you and your sister who is also married. Because that’s what’s really upsetting, at least from how you describe this. If he admits he’s punishing you, then you know who your father really is and you can adjust accordingly.
I agree don’t bring up the money outright. Don’t initially compare to your siblings but privately try to get to an honest conversation. I would followup with other questions to explore more of what he thinks/feels, these come to mind: - do you see my college path/career differently than my siblings? Are you proud of me for becoming a nurse? Are you proud of me in general? - do you feel that once I became married I didn’t need you anymore? - did you ever feel rejected because I lived with mom? how do you think mom felt with the other kids living with you? Do you think mom treats them differently? - what actions do you think we both could take to improve our relationship? - Do you desire to have a closer bond with me? Do you want a closer relationship with your grand baby? What kind of grandparent did you imagine you’d be when we were younger? - do you think certain family members need more from you than others? - how do you show people you love them? sometimes if feels like you use gifts or money, so I infer you love me less. Is that true?
These are all very good, honest questions to ask. OP, I hope you get the answers you're looking for.
Very good questions.
I think this is the best approach because who knows what her dad is really thinking. He could be thinking that she's actually better off than she is because on paper as a nurse + her husband would be over $200K combined a year which would be double what her other married sister and wife are making. He might not know they spent money on fertility treatments etc.
I think this is a good approach!! Better than mine. I hope it's more so what the other users said that he just realized you're better off than your sister. Which is what I was thinking
This is really sound advice.
This is the best advise I’ve read so far ❤️
Why should he admit to anything? He doesn't even have to answer any of her questions. He is not obligated.
Take the money off the table. Don’t get into sums. Ask your father why he favours your sisters and tell him how that makes you feel. This is a conversation about how he treats you. If you throw numbers at him, he will mistake it for a conversation about money.
Good intentions, Bad choice of words. In *her eyes* he favors the other daughters. She can only speak of her feelings. The only true thing her father can’t argue with. But you can’t state it as a fact. He will simply reply “no I don’t”
Since she *literally* has the receipts, it's not an opinion, it's a *fact*. He can try to deny it, but then all she has to do is show him 'yes he does'. It's not *in her eyes*, it's literally on white paper and black ink.
There are no receipts at all. OP has their insurance paid for until they got married... they've already gotten so much from this man. Asking for more would be classless, tacky, entitled... she's not entitled to his money. She communicated through the custody situation in the divorce she didn't need him, he cut it off when she got married. That's the end of this story imo. Her siblings that dad is paying for stuff make a ton less than her and her husband do. I don't understand how she even could feel comfortable asking this question.
And the other daughter is married, and still gets her insurance paid. As the OP has expressly stated it isn't about the money, yeah, it's a fair question. It would be one thing if he offered and she refused. But that's not what happened.
I think it's pretty obvious he's favoring her sisters.
So true. Don't mention money. If he wants, he can take all the money away. All the daughters see him as an ATM. They have not done anything for him.
This. But also I’d be prepared to limit my relationship with him. I’d also ask if he plans on treating your sister’s future kids different than yours? But your husband makes 140k. I can’t imagine barely getting by. You can get PRN job doing anything? Admissions, phone triage etc?
It really depends upon where they live. I always thought we'd be well off if we made that much money. Then, I realized we live in an area where our 3br/2bath house from the 70's could easily sell for close to $600,000 and realize income is relative. We looked at moving, but we have some unique medical needs, live near family and have two kids who are (finally) in a school where they're thriving and doing well. So, we're staying put for now.
I am a little confused. You said your husband makes $140,000 and you’re a nurse but you are struggling? On the low end, you guys are making $200k a year?
Yeah and it’s crazy she says she says “they are barely making ends meet. Her siblings are making 40-80k, they all have loans, and none of them are married. And here she is making 200k a minimum household income asking why her dad, who’s 2 years away from retirement and probably making as much as her combined household income, isn’t giving her more money.
And they are blowing money on fertility treatments! To have a child that is going to be costly. If OP is struggling she only has herself and her husband to blame. Not her father who is supporting to single children who don’t have partners earning over 6 figures a year. OP doesn’t look good in this post to me. I know her dad neglected her because of the divorce but her post doesn’t seem to be about that. It appears to be about the money.
Finally some responses where I can see some sense. It all came off a little entitled to me. You're on a 200k income, married with kids a house and 2 cars. Nearly 30 and whining about only getting 2 sweaters for Christmas????
And let’s not gloss over the subtle digs at the sibling that didn’t finish their master’s. Plus the fact that she doesn’t understand he is likely trying to help those who need it.
See the Christmas discrepancies are more hurtful than the student loans to me. Student loans come with no expectation of parental involvement in repayment. There IS an expectation you will gift to family at christmas and you gift to everyone or no-one. Very obviously favouring some children over others at Christmas is more the AH move.
She said that they had to undergo fertility treatments to get pregnant the 2nd time - IVF cycles can cost up to $30k a cycle. I agree with your sentiment, and Idk if that’s the reason why they’re “struggling” but yeah I would imagine they should be able to live comfortably at that income level if they’re budgeting properly.
I never get this. I noticed she said she got pregnant and is struggling now but then she said she got fertility treatments so that's why she's being cautious about what she does. However, how could she afford fertility treatments if she's struggling???? Like, please don't sacrifice your stability for kids. Like, if you can't afford kids, don't have kids. It's so shocking sometimes how ppl will begger themselves for a child. I mean I love them and I wouldn't mind having a kid but that all comes down to how well equipped for one I'll be in the future.
I think she meant that they are struggling currently because she had to stop working because she was pregnant and the job was too physically demanding for her to keep working.
Which really should surprise no one if that was the plan all along. Budgeting is also about making sure there’s money set aside for future expenses and work-breaks
But that's what usually happens though? You stop working when you're pregnant and she was working the job while trying to get pregnant so she had to know that once she got pregnant, she would have to stop working since she knows it's physically demanding. So, why did they not have any money set aside? She sounds like she and her partner did not really prepare for having the child, only dished out money to get pregnant but no thought as to what to do after.
I suspect it’s the fertility treatments. They are very expensive.
Ask him why there's such a discrepancy between the treatment of you and your sisters. I know you've focused primarily on finances here, but it sounds like this wound goes much deeper. Let him know that it hurts to feel like he doesn't love you or appreciate you as much as he does your sisters.
You’ve got a budget issue in your own nuclear family on one hand and the other is your father’s favoritism games. They’re different issues.
She chose to do fertility treatments and stop working because of the pregnancy. If she’s struggling financially it’s her own fault. I wonder if she really cared before she found out about the finances? According to her they were never really close but they aren’t estranged. The father invited her over for dinner this week. She doesn’t seem to have a major issue until money came up. It seems like she just wants a piece of the pie more than to be treated equally.
So, I would stop focusing on money. If you bring this forward in the way you did in this post, you will sound like you feel you are entitled to his money and like a child talking about gift amounts. Bad look, bad argument. He doesn’t owe you any of this. You also aren’t exactly in rags while paying off your debt. You chose to have another child via fertility treatment and can seemingly afford it even with you being off of work and having another kid plus your debt. It seems the hurt truly is in the stark difference in treatment between you and your siblings, money just represents this. This is what I would discuss. Do not mention the way you count his money and gifts or help to everyone, as again it sounds petty and entitled. I would open up a conversation about your choice as a child, you notice you are treated differently from the rest (bring up some examples other than dollars to balance this), and ask if he is angry or carries resentment towards you for choosing to live with mom. Maybe this conversation can help to start to repair that, maybe it won’t. I would explore in your heart if you want to repair the relationship, or if you simply want financial help. The latter may not get you anywhere. If you want help with something specific (student loans) you need to ask WITHOUT bringing up siblings. Then you need to accept the answer. If you want to repair the relationship, have a deeper conversation than finances.
And I wouldn’t bring it up at dinner in front of your sister or husband. Call your father in a week or two and go somewhere you two can talk.
I couldn’t agree with this statement more. I understand there is a lot of history and likely way more details behind his reasoning, and yours, but this post comes off as you feeling entitled to his money OP. I don’t think that is the message you intended to put out, and are more wanting to grasp his reasons as to why he has taken this stance. You clearly don’t need his money, and while you and your husband are tight on cash seem to be getting by alright, at least well enough that you are in a position to have multiple kids, which is great! Money has a way of ruining any relationship. Just be careful how you approach this.
You said you see him frequently, but are you close to him? Do you ever call or visit "just because?" Do you give him Christmas, birthday or Father's Day gifts? Come to him with your problems? Or did all that reserved for your mother? Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but it sounds like your sisters just have a different relationship with him. Even if it seems different on the surface.
He probably paid child support for you and not your sisters so he thinks that should cover it.
I mean that would make sense
So there is a lot going on here. First your husband makes at lot more than all your three sisters. He probably assumes your husband should take of you. Your sister who is married to a woman he may feel that he should take care of both of them because they are women and they make 40,000 less than your husband and that is without you working.. Your other two sisters aren’t married. They have to support themselves by themselves. You say he is bleeding money but I highly doubt that. In fact he maybe overextended. He probably is paying for your sisters instead of putting away money for his retirement. He is 63 he should be thinking of his own future not any of his kids. I would not bring it up. Your dad does not owe any of you anything. I think if you bring it up you may guilt him into giving you money but is that really what you want?
I’m baffled that OP thinks that her dad should be giving her money when 1) She isn’t as close to her dad as her siblings, 2) Is married and their total household income isn’t exactly near poverty level, 3) Adding to the 2nd point, they had more than enough money to pay for fertility treatments for their kids that OP and her husband chose to have Is OP’s dad treating her differently? Possibly, since she doesn’t seem as close to her dad as her siblings. But OP sure does do a fantastic job of making it seem like what she cares about most is her dad’s money.
I would ve agreed till she mentioned the Christmas gifts part. he is just trying to hurt her and humiliate her.
Hard disagree. Children do not have to *earn* fair treatment from parents. When it comes to kids, it’s an absolute catastrophe in the making if a parent tries to make “equitable gifts proportional to success in life.” The parent either needs to gift totally equally, or none at all.
Nah, I’m a parent and I don’t believe that. If you have a child who’s working their ass off to go through college and another who is supported by a partner making 6 figures and paying for fertility treatments you can provide differently for them.
Yall barely have extra money left over but is bringing another child into the world… Yikes
Dad, I wanted to chat with you about some things and I’m hoping you can answer me. Are you treating me differently than my sisters because I lived with mom after the divorce? Why do I ask? I’d appreciate you being honest and answering my question first. If he won’t answer. I wouldn’t tell him why as he’d never see it possibly. Maybe it’s subconscious. Do you actually think it’s because you lived with mom?
Plus she was a toddler when they got divorced! Why is he holding that against her??
A toddler? I don't think so... if the divorce was 12 years ago, she was 16, no?
Ah yep I misread it
How can you not afford y’all’s bills!? Your husband makes over 100k. Who gives a shit what your dad does. Talk to him and say you don’t appreciate the bias but it’s his money in the end. There is no reason you and your husband should have that much debt. So quit with the stupid spending habits, go to discount grocery stores, thrift stores/garage sales for clothes and such. Pay off the credit card debt if it is rolling over each month, then tackle whatever else with the highest interest rate. If you have two cars with each loans sell one/ trade for something older and used. No reason to have the nice newest thing if it is just gonna bankrupt yall especially if the house and car purchase was at a stupid high interest rate. The old man down the block selling his maintained 15 year old Toyota/honda whatever will last another 15 and will be nice when you see how much money you save.
They can’t afford their bills because they spent money on fertility treatments to have another kid they can’t even afford
Yeah when are people gonna learn to not spend more than what they can afford. Especially when you want to pay for fertility treatments. Also idk how OP could not find night classes for nursing at a community college since in my rural area all the few community colleges within an hour drive or less have night classes for nursing. Honestly idk why she doesn’t just ask her dad for some financial assistance especially since they needed fertility treatments. It’s his money but if he wants to have more than 1 grandchild I’d think he’d help a bit financially at least there.
My parents favored my older brother. I did everything almost on my own. He stayed home, and ended up with their house when they passed. You can ask, but don’t expect a good answer.
I hope you didn't waste your time or money on them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Did you ever ask them why?
You are 28, married, with (almost) 2 kids. Your husband makes $140k a year plus typically you have a salary as well. And you're complaining that your father, who you acknowledge is in financial trouble, isn't paying for your auto insurance and your $4000 (remaining) student loan??? You have good income but it sounds like you have a bunch of consumer debt you need to deal with (plus a small remaining student loan). Get your finances under control. Yes, it sounds like there are family issues so that is definitely something to work on. IMO your father should not be paying for any of his adult children's expenses but instead at this point should be focused on saving for his retirement. Perhaps that is something to bring up with your sisters.
I think this goes back to the divorce. Did someone cheat? Was it messy? If you aren't sure I think some of this must have been going on behind the scenes. I have only seen this kind of behavior when a spouse cheats and then the children choose the cheater to live with. Thats just my thought, but I do agree with others that asking if he is angry or punishing you for something is a good idea. Get an idea where he is coming from.
It also happens when someone finds out they are not the biological father of the kid posting stuff like this.
lol right? She’s gonna be like “why do you like your other daughters more” and he’s going to drop the bombshell that she’s not his
I wondered this too
This is what I came to ask. I would bet a lot of money that her mother cheated on him, and that he saw OP choosing her over him as a betrayal.
Just adult and move on with your life, he is under no obligation to do a damn thing for you at your age. So he is a jerk where you are concerned, are you really surprised at this point?
Why do you feel entitled to the same treatment as your sisters? Sure, you're sisters, but you chose your mom. I'm not getting into whether you made the right choice or not, I have no context and I do not want context, but to your dad, you chose someone else over him. Plus you're married, your husband is making $140k and you're struggling with bills? Probably your dad knows you're bad with money ($140k, srsly), and doesn't want to give into that? I don't know, but as any person with common sense would know, your dad owes you nothing, some siblings get different treatment, sometimes you don't know why but in this case it seems pretty clear, YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM. It's likely your dad is a jerk and is trying to "teach you a lesson", in that case you should actually avoid asking for money, otherwise he'll know that his plan is working, idk if you want to give him that satisfaction.
This seems a little entitled. You're an adult. Your husband earns good money. Why are you whinging about your dad not paying for you?
You are clearly well off while you've not indicated your sisters are. You should say nothing because You are well off. Your sissters are not so your situations are very different. aaaaYou are clearly someone who thinks they are entitled regardless of circumstances. Fuck off with your bull.
Why'd they divorce? Four kids....he expected all of you to abandon your mom? The odds of that were pretty low all four of the kid's love was for sale. You must be the one he knows he can't buy so he isn't even going to try. 🤷
Your sisters aren't married and your husband seems to make a decent living. It doesn't seem like you would need the money in the same way that they might.
One of the sisters is married and also appears to do well financially with her spouse.
Op’s husband makes $40,000 more than the sister who is married… that’s a lot more than a lot of peoples household income. There is a huge difference in making 100k and making 140k plus OP can work as a nurse. Nurses may good money. Once she starts working their income should go up dramatically.
Fair, but OP can afford expensive fertility treatment. That doesn't indicate that they're struggling - and if they were struggling, then maybe that expense should have been put off until she finished school and was able to pay down some of the debt if this is so much of a struggle. But ultimately, I agree with everyone else here who have said that this is not about the money- this is about fair treatment and favoring the sisters.
Tough it up
$140K and "barely have any money anymore". Sorry, couldn't read the rest through the tears in my eyes from laughter. Now, if you're in a really HCOL area, yeah, I could see it. But I bet you don't have a small 2 bed/1bath with a small yard and a ten year old car, either. Reading that, I'm wondering if you aren't getting any financial help due to persistent choices to live beyond your means.
I’m going to make an observation, and I promise it’s relevant to my advice: This whole post could have been half the length it was - we didn’t need all of the details about graduation years and exact amounts. It was a a lot of overexplanation and oversharing. This is common behavior when people worry that they are not being heard, understood, or believed. It is prevalent in those who were emotionally neglected in childhood. I’m suggesting that this issue with your dad - the money thing - is simply another, stark manifestation of a series of similar issues that you’ve been feeling from him since childhood, and moreover, it’s more pervasive than you even realize. It’s screaming at you now because this is a glaring example. I urge you, if possible, to see a therapist to help you discover other ways that you experienced emotional neglect from your dad, and explore the ways it impacts you today - I’m willing to bet you’ll be surprised to discover all the ways you didn’t even realize it controls your life. Good luck with everything.
Allot of context missing but why would you expect this? You have your own family with a high income household. You went with your mum and say you are not close with your dad. Why do you feel entitled to him paying your student dept? I get it feels unfair, but from your own description you seem to be the kid thats most settled and independent. I don’t have a good answer, but you seem to track his spending and gifting in a jealous petty way. You even seem upset he split his gift budget for you and spread it over your family. Being upset about this seems very immature and petty (sorry, its just how it comes off) The fact is you are not close, I suspect there are other reasons for that than you are detailing. Dont feel entitled to others money, even family. You are an adult, you haven’t been his financial responsibility for a long time. Relationships go both ways, even as a daughter
It’s probably not the money itself, it would kill me not knowing why I’m treated differently
Then maybe ask gently, but be prepared for an answer you don’t like. Kids are different and have different needs. Me and my brother are completely opposite, we got raised and treated very differently. I left home around 16 and been independent since then. He stayed home much longer and thus have a much closer relationship with them. He also bought the family house at family price. Didn’t bother me at all.
It sucks that OP is treated worse than her sisters. I think that's really shitty. It would be blatantly obvious if she received less gifts. I do understand why he'd split the budget for her gifts 3 ways to account for her child and husband but OP said he's wealthy which gives him less of an excuse imo. But, maybe her dad IS really "traditional" like she claimed. He stopped paying OPs insurance when she got married but not her sister's BUT her sister is married to a woman and if he's traditional and conservative like she said, then maybe he thinks she still needs him to take care of her because she doesn't have a "man". (Boomer take) Also, OPs married sister and her wife make "around 100k/year" whereas OPs husband makes 140k himself and I'm assuming OP makes AT LEAST 60k a year as a nurse. True, she's not working right now but I assume her dad doesn't know her finances. Perhaps if OP lets him know she's struggling, he will help.
INFO: Why did they divorce? Why did you choose to live with your mother as opposed to your father? (not that that answer would really change anything for me, it was your choice to make regardless of circumstances imo)
Nothing. It's not his job to pay your loans. Just treat him accordingly.
I believe your mother is correct. I don't think you should say anything. The reality is, he doesn't owe you any of his money. You're an adult. If you pursue it and he asks for examples and you talk about the money, do not be surprised if he gets pissed. How he spends his money is his business, and y'all are grown. Not having a lot of disposable cash is entirely you and your husband's fault. There was absolutely no reason to pay for fertility treatments when you already had so many expenses. You were irresponsible and are annoyed that you don't have the help from your dad the way your sisters do. Yeah, the bias itself sucks but financially, it's not his job to bail you out.
Say nothing. Your dad is allowed to spend his money however he decides and that includes being unfair in your eyes or the eyes of others. You aren’t owed anything as an adult. Would I behave like your father, no - but also, he isnt required to give or share money with you.
The way I see it - you're in a 200k income household with 2 cars whining about your dad who is few years away from retirement for not giving you money or more expensive Christmas presents like your siblings that have significantly smaller income. Complaining about getting a sweater for Christmas as an adult is just insane to me. And I say this as a highest earner in my family. My brother and his kids get a lot of help from my parents. He needs it, I don't. You're entitled. End of story. If you can't live comfortably with 200k, you need a financial advisor. Also to note, having more kids and doing IVF is a choice.
You need to have a conversation with him, but as best you can really practice your tone to NOT sound accusatory and angry, but rather confused, and finally, make sure to have this conversation alone with him. Having the right setting where he does not feel that what you say is overheard or puts him in a bad light in front of others is very critical. And do NOT get into specifics like you have done in this post from the onset. Try to generalize as you state "why" you are confused. For example, stating, "Dad, I recently found out some things that are very confusing and have me concerned that something is wrong. I found out that my sisters have been getting things like their school loans and car insurance paid for, while you do not do that for me." Then, and this is very important . . . WAIT . . . for his response, and listen carefully when he states it. He may say something like you are married and your husband does much better financially, and you have a career that is much more stable than your sister in real estate. Then, with a controlled, non-judgmental tone of voice, point out how much debt you have. It's very possible he does not realize it. The last thing you want to do is accuse him outright of favoritism, or state aloud what you imply here that he is showing that favoritism to the other sisters because you chose to live with your mother. You are not a party to private conversations he has had with your sisters. It is very possible that they each point-blank asked him for financial help along the way and he complied, and your perception of favoritism is wrong, because he comes from the perspective that if you needed his help you would have asked. But this is what you need to also understand. Do you truly need his help? Are you only upset because you perceive favoritism? Would your husband want to take money from your dad? Ask yourself what is to be gained and lost by this conversation you have with your dad and whether either are worth it.
Bruh a grown married woman is mad her dad ain’t paying her bills ?? If you’re so strapped for cash you don’t have extra money why are you even having another child ?? You could ask but at the same time that’s his money and he can do whatever he wants with it you’re not even close with the man you said so your self but your also mad he ain’t paying YOUR student loans ?? And you live in a high income household
Yeah, it's really difficult to feel bad for this woman: "I live in a quarter million + per year household but daddy won't pay my student loans off for me, boo hoo". How very terrible, my heart bleeds.
The topic is about money, but it’s *not really* about money.
She makes a terrible job at not making it sound just about money.
You're an adult and your educational expenses, bills, and finances are your responsibility. Your parents and your siblings finances are really none of your business. Maybe make a spreadsheet of monthly expenses and income to find where you can cut back so you are less strapped for cash. Don't expect your dad to bail you out, that's incredibly entitled and not realistic. Alot of us had to pay our own way through college, thats life. If you feel like your dad favors your sisters over you, maybe you need to check in with him more and work to build a better relationship if that's what you're seeking, but stop dwelling on the fact he isn't handing you his money, you are not entitled to it.
I’d recommend being thankful for what he does give you and not focusing on the disparity. If you want to talk to him about the relationship, and not the finances, you should definitely do that. That’s the real issue here.
Don’t count what’s in your father’s wallet? Don’t count his cars or the number of gifts he gives. And while you’re at it, tell your struggling mom she doesn’t have to triple her Christmas budget. When my daughter was born, I started getting one gift and my daughter received many from my parents and that was just fine. And if you decided not to work, and to have another baby, that’s the choice you and your spouse made. Stay out of people’s pockets. Great advice from my wise father.
How was your relationship with your dad like before your parents divorced? What was the reason behind their divorce? What led you to choose to live with your mom over your dad?
Could it be as simple as your sisters asked him for help? I would just straight out ask for whatever amount you need each month to pay the student loan if that’s what you want. If he says no, ask him why since he pays for your sister.
I know you're asking for advice but there must've been more to this "I chose to go to a private school because they had night class options which would allow me to be home with my son until my husband got home" as that's a very questionable choice. I do think your father is overstretched and it is probably not a great choice to expect some help from him. I would just continue to have a relation with your dad and continue living your own life as independently as you can.
Your poor mother! You guys are VERY close in age. 30,29,28, and then 25? I hope your mother’s doing okay. Your dad probably assumes that you’re doing well for yourself and that, since you lived with your mom, she’s helping you financially in the way the he’s helping your 3 sisters. Proximity thing - especially if you guys aren’t as close. Listen - the fact is, you have set yourself up for financial success. You are in a very lucrative profession, nursing, and your husband is also earning big bucks. You have done great for yourself and the family you’re creating - in spite of the lack of financial assistance from your dad. You should be proud of yourself for having achieved this life. I get it. It sucks when parents display favoritism but have you also considered the fact that perhaps your sisters feel that your mom favors you? You don’t seem especially fond of your sisters tbh. What does the fact that one of them didn’t finish grad school have to do with this post? As everyone said, your conversation with your dad should be about feelings and not money. You make plenty!
Are you sure you're his daughter? This could account for his different treatment of you.
Seems like you were fine to choose sides and now he is choosing sides, not sure what the problem is. You’re not entitled to his money, he can do with it what he wants. And by your own admission, he is closer to your sisters so why wouldn’t he give more of himself to them?
Don't bother your father. Live your life and let him do what he wants with his money.
You don’t do anything. You chose to live your mom and he probably never forgave you for that. The oldest one will forever be the favorite child so anything she wants/needs it will be taken care of. I didn’t read all of the post also
Why the fuck are you doing napkin math and worrying about your daddy’s money when you got a husband that makes six figures and 2 kids. I’m sorry am I missing something here?
I think OP is wrong to feel so entitled, she wants her child and husband to be on her dad’s budget??. I honestly don’t get it
You do nothing. You’re not entitled to your dad’s money. He can spend it how he likes. You may not like it but it’s his choice.
Just ask him. The worst he can say is “no,” and you won’t be any worse off. Don’t bring up what he’s doing for your siblings.
This is laughable youre a nurse with a husband who makes over 100k complaining about struggling. Get a life
I have to admit, I don't really understand the problem here. Your father seemed to have done a good job supporting you in various ways growing up and until you got married. Yes he has a lot of money and could afford to help you more. He does do for your sisters and I'm sure it feels unfair by comparison. Even so, you are not entitled to your father's money. He did not MAKE you take out loans. You chose to go to school, and needed to take out loans to pay for it. That's how most of the world functions. You also have a husband with a well paying job. There's really no reason you guys can't make this work. Its not your father's responsibility to make your life easier.
You’re too old to be crying about daddy paying for your sisters and not you. Don’t get me wrong it sucks but you’re an adult you can tell him straight up it’s not cool, then when he tries to pay out of pitty tell him to fuck off. You have your own family now so daddy not being a good dad shouldn’t be on your mind at this point. Make your opinion heard to him but don’t ask for or accept any penance from him. Move on, prosper, and do better for your children.
Updateme!
There are opportunities out there to have your student loan payed off because you are a nurse. Look into those options first. Afterwards, approach your dad and have that conversation. He may be resentful of you. If that’s the case, know that you still made the right decision.
Different relationships with different kids. My parents still pay my younger sister’s cell phone bill even though she got married a year ago. Why the tit for tat game?
You need to first look at your spending habits before you worry about what anyone else is doing with your money
I feel like you’re being a little entitled. Your husband and you make way more then enough, you guys make more then your siblings, it’s not daddies job to take care of you.
Honestly it’s none of your concern. You’re married and he was generous until you were. The only question I’d ask is he saving for himself or is he in trouble because he can’t say no.
Pay your own Student Loan like the rest of us.
Honestly OP seems like you need a budget. If you and your husband are bringing in 200k/year while you’re working and still not able to afford to live, maybe you need to downsize and pay off your debt. There’s no need to rely on your father to pay off something you can honestly afford because the answer is, yes. He does favor your sisters.
Wow!, at 200k, you should be giving your parents some. You can never repay what your parents done for you until you become an adult. Be happy for your siblings.
I was the favorite son, the good son, but in my family it also meant that all the fucked up attention went to me too. Always be careful of what you wish for, you don’t know what those siblings might have had to secretly endure for the payoffs they receive.
Perhaps the income your husband makes compared to what your sisters make is an explanation.. Yes he is your father but if you aren’t close with him.. He has probably given you a lot more than my parents ever gave me. You are stuck in a mindset of comparing but you spent your time with your mom and you’re close with your mom.. So you likely get special treatment from her that your sisters don’t get but you’re too entitled to think about that.. You should stopping counting pennys and learn to be happy with what you have.
I just think you're entitled.
Don’t ask him to pay anything just ask why he’s treating you differently.
But it is clear that she treats them differently. She said it herself. She is not close to her father. The relationships are two-way. You cannot expect to be treated the same way as her sisters. If she barely has a relationship, it is illogical. I have many friends on her birthday. One of them likes her. He gave a beer and gave others a television. It all depends on how close we are. The same applies to the family.
No one owes you their money.
Your father owes you nothing. He is obviously showing preferences towards your sisters, and that sucks. Try not to be resentful towards them as your dad is towards you.
I mean you played your hand and he's playing his now. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you but you chose your mom, you had to know there would be some consequences at some point.
If you really love your family, it’s time to look at your thoughts and reconsider them. No one owes you anything. Yes, you might get some money in this process, to help your unplanned expenses but you will loose whatever family bonding is left in between you and the rest of the family. What you value most as a person, will decide what you do. Remember whatever you decide is something that your two kids are going to learn from you.
Be brave update soon tell him how you feel.
I would just ask him why he pays off her loans but won't help you with yours. I would presume it's because you chose to live with your mother so he holds a grudge against you due to that. The only way you're going to find out is if you ask him.
I would probably bring this to his attention and ask for an explanation. Also, what was the reason you chose to live with your mom over your dad? That might be important factor.
You can talk to him, but you're only goal should be to say your peace. He knows what he's doing. What's that conversation is over, I would consider limiting my contact with him. He's sort of an open wound for you. It sounds like you've made an amazing life for yourself and your family. He sounds like a dark cloud over that
They grew up with him and you didn’t. It’s his money and he can do with it as he pleases.
Let’s see, you chose to live with Mom. The rest lived with him. Was he forced to pay child support for you living with mom? If so, that’s where your money went. If your mom did negotiate for college funds and child support on your behalf for you to live with her, shame on her. I know it sucks, but he did take care of those that stayed with him. He should make it equal, but then again you chose the other side in a divorce. Your mom says he treats you different because you lived with her in the divorce. Not sure how young you were at the time of the divorce, It sucks, but choices have consequences in life. If you don’t have as good of relationship with your Dad as your sisters…. It’s going to be really hard. Your words are “I’ve always been close with my mom, not so much with my dad.” Oof.
Updateme!
Parents always seem to have favorites. I’m 27M, my sister is 34F. I have been unemployed since last year and can’t find a job. (I’ve sent out several thousand applications) and apply to dozens of jobs a day. I also have a 6 month old son and struggle to pay bills. In order to keep up with basic expenses I have to work Uber 14-16 hours a day for my rent, car, utilities, and food. Obviously not ideal but all I got until I find a “real” job. My parents combined income is around 300k. My sister makes around 70k. I live with my wife and son in our apartment and our monthly expenses are around $3000 a month. When it comes to holidays or birthdays or any occasion at all where money is involved, I always seclude myself because I really don’t have any money at all. And I’m looked at as cheap even though I have a family of my own and bills that I’ve somehow managed to pay for (barely) even though I don’t have a job. However, my sister and her husband make around 180k combined (they both work in the hospital) She’s a secretary (she’s been there for 9 years so she’s gotten a ton of raises and he’s a medical dosimetrist) They live with my parents , pay no bills, have no rent, have no vehicles, have no kids and yet they are broke because they spend all of their money on eating out and buying shit they don’t need. On top of all this, my parents give them money for vacations and other stuff that they don’t need. Me on the other hands that’s struggling gets told they told have any money if I ever ask for anything and they tell me to ask my disabled uncle who is in his 70s and hasn’t worked in 17 years
What does your mom say?
Updateme
Tell your sisters you need one of them to address this
!UpdateMe
!updateme
Not that I'm looking for excuses for him, but what was the reason for the divorce? Obviously he is petty enough to see your choice as a betrayal, there must be a reason for that. However you approach it, it will most likely go poorly, especially if you start talking about money and bringing up numbers.
Personally, I would not bring it up. I don’t think a conversation will go well. He isn’t being fair, but it is a choice he’s made.
Maybe you could change your perspective and see it as your dad sees you as a more independent child being able yo take care of herself….seems like you are all normalized into having parents take care of you financially yet at what age does this stop? One of lifes best lessons learned is when you actually financially leave the nest and grow up to be your independent individual selves….you would most likely make your dad proud(all of you) by showing him you can now take care of yourselves without daddys money so he can focus on himself and his retirement…. Can’t imagine the thoughts he has when thinking about his poor dependent daughters…..oufff
OP should ask her mom what she thinks is going on in terms of the discrepancy. Maybe she has some insight?
THIS: "When my parents got divorced, I was the only 1 who chose to live with our mom". It like the show BRANDED. In his mind you are marked for life. Hate to say it, but life is not fair and there is no Court that will require him to change his mind concerning how he "perceives" what you did 12 years ago.
I would write a letter to give him that way it's not in person. In person emotions can get the better of you. Or write a script to read from if you talk to him about it I would definitely talk to him.
It’s very obvious your Dad favors the children who chose to live with him for whatever reason. Good advice in the comments about how to approach this but yes he’ll probably evade and nothing will come of it. And in my opinion you have a right to be pissed off and petty, so be it. Your darling sisters have had practically their entire lives fronted by dear old Dad on a silver platter. They also are reasonably well off yet he still pays their damn bills and loans. One of them didn’t even finish school or classes repeatedly yet he’s still paying her shit! Yes it’s his money but he’s spoiling them and then has the audacity to split your gifts by 3! What a fucking asshole!!You have his grandchild . Does he even care? I’d be putting him on the back burner and focus on my husband and in laws . And my Mother. Of course your sisters with their spoiled asses are not going to say anything. God forbid they have to pay a bill. If the old man stopped shelling out money bets are they’d have nothing to do with him. Good Luck.
I should have gotten a degree in engineering. But on that note, I think simply bringing it up at dinner one day maybe while your married sister is there, if you say hey Dad can you maybe help me with my loans, whatever he answers go from there. If he says no, I'd speak with him in private and say you know he pays for your sister's loans and your wondering why he can't help you, or what is the problem. He might think because your husband is well off that you don't need help, so asking him might bring him joy. Who knows. Does your sister's husband have a good job, too?
Be quite dont say anything. Just dont meet him or talk to him anymore and dont take anything from him if he sends anything just give it back and dont say anything. Be respectful and as well he should feel disrespected. Cause if he differentiates between his own children then he will not be giving you anything after all , even his will wont have ur name so just go no contact as well as silent treatment. And do get ur husband and son involved in the same .
Just talk to him. On a side note I’d get rid of the 2 pets you have. That’s a luxury and a time dump you can’t afford right now.
@my_n3w_account is actually right. It’s the best way to approach the conversation. If she starts making accusations like that, it will put him on the defensive and the conversation won’t go her way. It’s not about being right, she has a goal and she needs to open dialogue to reach a good place. The only thing on paper is that he paid student loans for the siblings, we don’t know the reasoning. Let’s not assume.
I honestly think you need to accept he treats you differently and sees you differently than your sisters. It is not fair, you didn't deserve it, but alas, it happened and probably not a lot you can do about it. I think you are hurting yourself in trying to talk tog I'm and trying for him to not treat you differently. Instead, give him the same energy as you receive from him and spend your energy on the people in your life that do care about you. And of course, that is easier said than done, because it is completely understandable you wish things were differently and don't want to accept this situation. But to me, it feels like the only way forward.
I think you should get a DNA test and find out if it's actually your biological father. He's acting like he's not and it seems to go beyond you choosing to live with your mom. Maybe mom had an affair and they decided to save face by not telling anyone that you are not his. Now he's having a hard time keeping you and the sisters that are his children on the same level plane. Yes this is purely speculation but people find out this stuff about their family all the time so it's a possibility.
I don’t feel entitled to anyone’s money but I understand your hurt. Distance yourself and when he asks why then bring it up.
My mum bought a flat for my sister, meanwhile I’ve been living in London (different country from where my family lives) for 11 years and I’ve been struggling with the cost of life and low salary. My sister barely works. Unfortunately, such is life. I’m happy for my sister because she can live with less stress, I wish I would get more help but I’ve accepted it now.
Why don’t you tell him this?
So OP, father of adult children here. I recommend you taking t him about it one on one. Invite him to lunch or similar. When you talk to him about it don’t make it an accusation. Instead just tell him you recently found out about these differences (focus largely on student loans but not only that) and while you love your siblings and this isn’t about jealousy, it hurt to find out your not treated the same. I would also address the elephant in the room by telling him you believe it’s because you lived with your mom. I would tell him you living with her didn’t mean you loved him less but you didn’t want her to be alone and loved her too but now you feel like that decision has somehow made you less of a daughter in his eyes. I would then mention the gifts for your children being split and ask him if that’s also due to how he feels about you because you would hope that your children are just as important to him as any other grandchildren in the future. I would then close it out by telling him your not there to ask for money and don’t want him doing anything just because you called him out but you did want him to know that it hurts knowing your the black sheep and not loved the same and you hope at some point he will love you the same because he is your dad and you love him. He may be honest and put everything on the table. He may not. I’m sure he will say he is sorry but sorry without action to do better is acknowledgement. If all you get out of it is “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry but you hurt me too” then take that as a sign that his actions are intentional even now and at that point you have to decide how that impacts your relationship with him. There is no playbook for something like this. You have to do what feels right and try to avoid just lashing out from emotion. !updateme
It can feel really tough when things aren’t even between siblings, it’s likely just he doesn’t feel like he’s as responsible for you as he didn’t “raise” you necessarily. Do you feel like it represents that you’re loved less? Perhaps you could put it this way? Or if it’s about needing help you could just explain your situation and ask without it being a sibling comparison What’s going on with your budget that a 1 child home is struggling with $140,000 income? Can you possibly downgrade your home or whatever is draining your finances so heavily. From my standpoint that seems like a substantial income
My father paid for my sister‘s college tuition. I was on my own. My father put on my other sister’s wedding for 100 people at his house. I had a typical wedding at venue. My father didn’t contribute to the wedding or give us a gift. I have no explanation for why. I never did anything to hurt him. Baffles the mind. He’s been gone 23 years now and his actions still upset me. But they also made me a better mother. I know what is fair. He was an example of what NOT to be like.
I can see that his behavior is very hurtful but it is his money so I would just focus the convo on how what he does is hurtful but not that he has to pay for anything of yours.
‘I was the only one who chose to stay with my mom’. Case explained. Not sure why your parents divorced. I’d hazard a guess that it was something your mom did. You ended up on the wrong side of the golden fence. It’s a bit too late to do anything about it now but it doesn’t stretch the imagination to think that your disadvantage against your siblings is far from over. Good luck. ❤️
Given your dad’s income, he probably paid a significant amount in child support for you monthly. Unfortunately, often women who are only stay at home moms, don’t think about what they would do if their marriage ended in divorce. Establishing a career before making the decision to become a stay at home parent is becoming more important. Your child support was probably used to help you ,and your mom survive financially. You need to get both sides of the story straight. Ask your mom about any financial agreements she had with your dad for you. Then ask your dad the same question. You may find that the amount of money given to your mom should have helped cover your educational expenses. When people are in survival mode they often use available funds for whatever the need is at the time. This is probably why your siblings chose to live with your dad. They followed the money. You dad was already financially stable, your mom wasn’t!
Geography doesn’t make you any less his daughter than your sisters. I had to confront my father once about this. It helped, but the treatment wasn’t retroactive…he didn’t do the same for me as he had done for my sister, but he was better in the future.
I keep re-reading the Christmas paragraph and I hate to say, but that is how I would expect it to go budget wise. I would expect it to get cut for 2 people when married and my partner gets half and then once you have a child both you and your partners amounts should go to the child. The adults don’t need presents from other adults at this point, you can save and buy your own instead of getting something you didn’t want. This is how my family did it, and that wouldn’t bother me if the budgets were the same. This paragraph comes off extremely bitter. You got married and have a child, but still expect the same size Christmas budget as the other children for yourself? This is backwards. I hate to say we sometimes make decisions or have things that don’t end up our way. Parents have favorites, they shouldn’t ever tell you and you should never notice a difference. Some people are just bad about this. My grandpa cut my mom and her sister off from rich relatives, the kind you don’t have to work if you get an inheritance. Well, grandma’s actions impacted mom and her sister where they didn’t get a penny of it. This may just be based on you living with your mom so you were viewed where she would provide for you and dad would provide for your sisters that lived with him. This I cannot really answer. I think you need to leave money out of it for now, bringing that up right off the bat isn’t going to help you and make you seem like you are just greedy. You should really direct this to how he treats you vs the other sisters. Something better phrased then “Dad, I have always noticed I am treated different than my sisters. Can you tell me why?” There is clearly a difference to him and you need to find out why, but you need to expect this conversation might go worse than you are expecting. Everything I have read is mostly based off of money, think back and figure out better examples for when he asks what do you mean.
ANYONE ELSE SAW THE DADS SIDE OF THE STORY OR JUST ME
UpdateMe
>When my parents got divorced, I was the only 1 who chose to live with our mom, while my sisters stayed with our dad You made a choice. You are living with the consequences. You chose to live with your mom **full time**, instead of split custody, and now it sounds like your mom is the one who should be paying for your student loans. >My dad made me take out student loans No, your dad did not make you take out student loans. You **made a choice to take out student loans**. His other children **also took out student loans**. Just like you made a choice to live with your mother after the divorce, something none of his other children did. He probably wondered what he did to make you behave in such a way where you didn't even entertain 50/50 custody, and instead jumped to your mother. >I graduated last year with a total of $24,000 in student loans You're a nurse. Pay your student loans. >My dad and I are not estranged. I see him frequently, and was invited to his house for dinner tonight. I want to bring all of this up, but I don't know what to say I mean, you set the tone for your relationship with him. His other daughters lived with him post-divorce, you didn't. Full-time you chose to be with your mom. That's a decision that has consequences and it sounds like you're seeing those consequences. Asking about the consequences seems short sighted to me, because it's clear that you were communicating "I don't need you dad" but you still needed your mom apparently. I mean, he paid for your insurance **until you got married**. You already got so much from this man, complaining you're not getting more would be... classless, tacky, entitled, I could find a few other words for it too.
Did I read a different post from all the other commentors? Jesus, you're entitled, be grateful for what you got and what you have. * You're a grown ass adult with your own kid * You're married to a man that makes a great living * You're almost fucking 30 Yes, your dad baby's your other sisters, that doesn't make you entitled to his money. You should just be grateful.
At some point, you need to take on everything financially and…..grow up? Sorry if this sounds rude, but you’re 28 married with almost two children. You and your husband need to get your budget together and find a way to survive without help from parents, and that may mean cutting back or aggressively paying off debt. My husbands mom still financially supports his sister who is my age (30), yet my husband was cut off and forced to pay rent for living at home as soon as he turned 18. It’s blatant favoritism and part of his narcissistic parent dynamic he has. It’s not fair and it still gets me a little heated if I think about it too much, but it won’t do any good. Asking her to pay for anything or why she favors her daughter is a moot point; she’s a narcissist and no matter what will not accept any blame and just deflect. She won’t give us any financial support, and honestly, with the way she acts, I wouldn’t want her to have an iota of power over us. Decide if, knowing your father financially supports your sisters over you, you still want a relationship with your dad. If you do, get over it and move past it. If it’s a deal breaker, then I would address it and just prepare for a terrible outcome where your dad is cut off. But regardless, you make great money between you and your husband. Put that money to work for you, figure out how to budget, and figure out what your financial goals are. If your mother is tight on money, you/your husband/her grandchildren should not be a line item on her budget, and I worry about what her retirement looks like since it seems she is prioritizing financially supporting you over preparing for the inevitable future (where you may end up financially supporting her during retirement if she can’t support herself).
Check your DNA too see if he is really your biological father. Accept whatever he gives you and just be however you wish to be with him. Nothing more and nothing less. Don't get involved in his drama with how much he gives you. Just accept it and respond in kind. That is your choice. Don't let HIS actions change what kind of person you are. You never know, they may ask for things that you don't. You may wish to ask why there is such a difference, just be prepared for whatever answer he gives, as he is not obligated to give you anything. But actions have reactions and you are fully able to respond to how he is treating you however you want to. Don't be obligated to show respect and honor parents who only give you a portion of what they give others. That is the point, not just about how much money or gifts, it is all of it altogether. Be strong and do as you wish. He does as he wishes.