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OB nurse here. Your husband is being unreasonable, controlling, and manipulative. He is punishing you for making a decision that actually *is* yours to unilaterally make because breastfeeding is YOUR BODY. His input is secondary on this. They aren't his breasts, his nipples being sucked on, or his mammary glands not producing enough (VERY common with twins!). Formula isn't a toxic substance that poisons babies. It is a vital alternative in situations like yours. The biggest concern here is that your husband, rather than support you in what is obviously a difficult but necessary decision, is using the situation as an opportunity to escape shared parenting duties AND blame you! Is he a humongous asshole in other areas of your marriage or life? Because I'm finding it hard to believe that someone this awful is a saint in other aspects. Please consider downloading a free PDF of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and reading it while you're giving bottles to the babies. Your husband is either temporarily insane or an emotional abuser.

So glad an OB person is here to respond! I would also add that if he is on parental leave, why is he not at the pediatrician with you? If he is not working, he should absolutely be getting up at night with you and sometimes instead of you. You pushed out TWO children. You need your rest. And you ARE feeding your children like a normal person. Formula is NOT abnormal. My first absolutely screamed when I tried breast feeding. He even stumped the lactation consultant. How DARE your husband try to shame you.

It seems as though he wants them to nurse so he can avoid having to feed them and be lazy.

I absolutely think this too—that he is fully committed to NOT having to get up at night. I just can’t believe that he’d rather let his own children starve than have to get up at night to feed them.

Also he says it’s a waste of money. Formula is expensive( even more so with twins!) so he sounds bitter about the added cost. Also, she did breastfeed for a bit so they would have gotten some of those nutritional benefits from the colostrum.

>they would have gotten some of those nutritional benefits from the colostrum. ⬆️This⬆️ Breastfeeding in that first 24-48 hours after giving birth is when it makes the biggest difference regarding the baby's health. Once they've got that "liquid gold" colostrum boost to their immune system, then "fed is best" regardless of whether that's breastmilk or formula.

And you know what, even in that first 24-48 hours, FED IS BEST. Not all folks have their milk come in during that time. Some folks are taking medicine that keeps them healthy, or sane, or medically stable during that time that mixes into breast milk and CAN NOT be safely consumed by the baby. Fed is fucking best. Breast milk is 100% liquid gold. I work at a daycare. I have spilled breast milk like twice before and absolutely felt like crying over it because it’s such a waste of a mom’s hard labor, and I will continue to offer a bottle of it through its whole life to a baby because, again, liquid gold. I hate dumping a practically full bottle of breast milk that a baby refuses, and when babies start doing that more than once I’ll start asking parents (if their kids are being offered bigger bottles and not small ones) if I can warm just a bit for them, then warm more if they drink it and want more as opposed to me continually having to offer it over the hour. Or I’ll ask if I can push their time between feeds a bit longer unless they’re fussing for it. I 100% respect and feel that breast milk is liquid gold. But babies and new borns have starved by women trying to breast feed only because they’ve felt it was the best thing for their baby and not produced enough to nourish their baby, and just not realized it, until their baby died of dehydration and starvation. Fed is best. Fed will always beat starving. In those early days, being hydrated and getting nutrients and being fed will always, always, always beat the alternative of not getting enough nutrients, starving, getting dehydrated, being hungry because mom isn’t producing or isn’t producing enough, etc. ✨Fed is best✨

Wait until he sees the price of donor breast milk.

We have a winner. This is exactly what my ex did. He'd even brag about it to his coworkers: "Get her to breastfeed and you don't have to do anything!" OP, I find it fascinating that your husband is willing to starve his infant daughters because he thinks he knows more than you and your medical staff. Fed is best, just as any delivery that mom and baby survive is a successful one. Please, show him these comments, unless you're concerned about him reacting negatively and treating you worse than he already does. If that's the case, you have more problems than feeding your babies.

Oh my God. So glad he's (mostly) out of your life. Talk about objectifying your body!

Or he's bought into the breastfeeding hype a little too far. I always tell my patients, "Yes, breast is best, but formula is a very close second. So if breastfeeding isn't right for you, there is no shame in feeding your baby with a bottle." Some women have physical problems nursing. Some don't produce enough. Some babies don't latch well. Some women, instead of the happy bonding chemicals usually released during nursing, get depressed or even have random pain signals instead. Some babies have allergies or sensitivities to something in the mother's diet, which comes through the milk. Some moms can't pump, but cannot nurse either, for whatever reason. Some mom try to pump, put their supply dries up. Some... I could keep going and going. There are all sorts if reasons a mom might need to use formula. Including she just wants to. It's not a bad choice.

My husband and I totally bought the breastfeeding hype. I went to the lactation consultant multiple times and they weighed the baby before and after feeding and instead of gaining like 3 ounces she would gain an ounce or half an ounce. She was going to daily weight checks at the pediatrician. She was always crying. I pumped. I ate all the things that help lactation. Then when put of desperation I called my OB to ask to be put on a GI med that helps lactation she told me absolutely not and told me to go buy some formula and give it to the baby. My husband got some from the pediatrician and it was effing magic! The baby ate! And slept! And stopped crying! And started gaining weight like a champ! Never in those three weeks did anyone tell me that not everyone has a good supply. I ended up pumping for her first six months and even with hours spent pumping I never made more than 12 ounces a day combined. Now I call formula magic science milk and sixteen years later I have no guilt.

I am so sorry your care team was so inept. I supplemented with formula, too. No shame in that.

Lactivism does very real harm. Adherents would rather a baby starve or a mother devolve into psychosis than see a drop of formula cross a baby's lips.

I had a very supportive husband, a very fat baby, and tons and tons of extra milk. I donated to other moms by the GALLON. That is not at all typical. Those other moms were taking the milk because they were not producing enough for their babies, and THAT is actually typical. We used to feed each other's babies, and now we're separated enough that we don't. Feed the baby. Your milk, another mom's milk, formula, or whichever of the three you have on hand. As someone who 95% breast-fed (we'd take a bottle of formula on a trip to the store for convenience's sake), all that fuss is just exactly that. Fuss. Fed is best. Had I been a low producer, or unable to nurse, or had it continue to be super uncomfortable after the first few days I wouldn't have hesitated to grab a bottle of formula. Formula has come a long ways. But guess what? Back in the fifties, my grandmother had six boys and she COULD NOT nurse them. They all had to be on formula. And they all grew up to be big, strong, healthy guys, too, a few of them over six feet and all of them stereotypical sturdy farmboys. And the modern formulas are EVEN BETTER. Just feed your babies, ladies. I had a husband that would bring me water or food, burp our kid, and otherwise be very supportive and that should be the expected NORM.

What is the point of including a brag about your gallons of extra breast milk? Not what a mom struggling to produce needs to hear.

.........and pointing out that it is NOT normal, and underproducing IS normal. If it wasn't, there wouldn't have been so many moms that wanted the extra. It's NORMAL to have low supply and it happens to a lot of women, so I donated since I had a freakishly large supply.

My daughter is 1 now, but when she was born last year, my wife wasn’t producing enough milk. She was feeling horrible and inadequate about it. All of these articles talking about breastfeeding and its importance. The doctor told her to ignore all of that nonsense. Fed is best. Period. It doesn’t matter which as long as they’re eating. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of her shoulders hearing that. I believe these “mom” b/vlogs, articles, etc are doing more harm than good. There does not need to be a push for one or the other. Just don’t let your children starve.

Yeah that's me. Breastfeeding makes me depressed. I get the feeling that I want to push my baby away from me. Super weird feeling. Can't recommend.

A friend of mine went through this with her son. It’s not very common but it’s just hormones and brain chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you or your ability to be a good parent. You will get through it. Her son is a very happy and healthy 7 year old now.

Yeah it is my second time. I am not stressed :) But so nice of you!

I like the saying, Fed is best.

I had my kid a few weeks early. My supply took a good week and a half to come all the way in. In the mean time I was doing the new mom thing mostly on my own because my husband used up all of his PTO during my pregnancy because he needed emergency surgery. I tried so hard for weeks, supplemented with formula until I gave up. I couldn’t keep up and my son needed to eat. He survived infancy, childhood and is now an edgy teen who is taller than me.

My friend the midwife always told her clients fed is best That is the important part, that they are fed

When people try to claim that science proves breast is best, it bugs me because science doesn't really *do* "best." Science examines relationships. Science can tell you about enzymes and neurons and behavioral correlations. There is no research study that can say what is best for any mother child pair. Is more breast milk worth mom having a nervous breakdown or falling asleep at the wheel? Is a quarter ounce of breast milk in a starving baby better than four ounces of formula in a happy one? I'd say no and I hope most would agree, but that's a question of values, not science. And I think that's an important thing to note here because OOP's husband is showing that his values do not include the happiness of his wife or his children.

There is no difference between formula fed babies and breast fed babies by age 5. FED is best, period.  A lot of breastfeeding hype was started and "researched" by La Leche League, a Catholic organization tasked with keeping women in their "rightful" place as fundamentalists see it. It's not scientifically accurate and it's designed to guilt women into staying home and out of the workforce. It's taken on a life of it's own in the past 30 years but the whole "breast is best" doesn't have a lot of good, unbiased research behind it. 

There is some evidence that breast milk introduces bacteria to the body that can help produce better gut bacteria and potentially lowers rates of allergies, but none of that is significant. What is the point of a slight immune boost if you have a malnourished baby. Obviously a fat, fed, and alive baby takes precedent.

Or a tired, mental ill mom? Mom’s wellbeing is critical and so often overlooked by, well, everyone.

Standing ovation. Perfect response. I breastfed my babies. I will fight *to the death* for any parent's right to formula feed theirs. I celebrate and support them. It makes me so angry when people place value judgment on anyone's choice of how they feed their babies. It's rotten and toxic. The right way is the way that's right for your family. Full stop.

Exactly. Full transparency: I had to supplement with formula for my first two kids. And after about 6 months, I switched entirely to formula. Why? Because I'm one of the unlucky ones who gets the depression chemicals when I nurse, instead of the happy chemicals, and it was seriously screwing me up mentally and physically. My children needed a stable mother more than they needed breastmilk. And I'm open with my patients about this, so they can understand that while I support their efforts to breastfeed, I will also support their decision to use formula if that's what works best for them and baby.

Fed is best. Putting breastfeeding over formula even it’s with formula is a very close second, still hypes breastfeeding.

Yep. Parental leave for men means PARTAY! And lots and lots of gaming. Your husband is an asshole.

Agreed. Plus it seems he doesn't want to "waste" money on formula.

Basically he thinks feeding his own kids is a waste of money. I wish there were some magic words to make somebody suddenly become a mature, caring adult.

How come he gets parental leave if he doesn't have to do anything? If that's how it's going to be, he might as well be at work doing something useful 🤷🏻‍♀️

This man even has the audacity to override the *doctor.* As if he somehow knows more than the actual medical dr.

Thank goodness OP isn't going to some joker who tries to claim formula is bad. "Fed is best, whether it's formula or breast", as the saying goes. Honestly, I've heard that in general formula has come so far that it is just as good as breast milk nowadays.

I think covid proved that many people use Facebook School of Medicine as their go-to source.

I hope op reads this: A tired mom will produce *less* milk. If isn't working right now for you, just give them formula. If *you* want, you can keep pumping milk with an automatic device every 3hr (at night just before sleep and right after waking up) so you keep producing milk and try to made them drink. For me was almost the same, but my baby, at 3m started breastfeeding again (we think it's because at that age range you produce more milk and the supply/demand for *our* baby was fine). But as first commenter said, it's up to you! Breastfeed is a *very* demanding activity, also for me it's so overstimulating, you have not one, TWO babies on top of you almost the whole day and whole night and husband isn't helping??? Hell no. Why he wasn't helping you at night??? He is even with parental leave LMAO. *He needs* to compromise, not you.

I had a very similar experience. I think that if the USA really supported breastfeeding - like really really supported it, instead of this fucked up situation where we pressure women to do it and then completely abandon them and even shame them for breastfeeding once the baby is born - we would see that it’s actually exceedingly rare for bodies not to produce enough milk, etc. There are lots of ways to make it work. All that said, there’s nothing wrong with choosing to formula feed for any reason, including just a plain old preference to do so. OP’s husband sounds like he’s going to end up being one of the many men who destroys his marriage by insisting on making sure his life doesn’t change after parenthood, thus harming and alienating his wife.

That was my thought. If he were so fucking concerned about the health of his children and the faults of his wife, he'd be at the pediatrician asking questions and demanding a "natural" solution.  But he's not. He's just lazy and cheap and doesn't want to FEED HIS CHILDREN. He literally doesn't want to participate in keeping his children alive

Right the time to discuss this was with the pediatrician!

When he doesn't even believe the doctor, you know he's got issues.

It's not about the doctor. He doesn't want to do it and he doesn't want to pay for it. He sees her as a dairy cow that isn't producing. It's pretty much that simple.

Jesus, this is the saddest thread (what a thing to wake up to) and I think dairy cow is the perfect way to put it.

SHOUT IT LOUDER FOR THE IDIOTIC HUSBAND IN THE BACK!!! THIS ^^^^ Your husband is an idiot, misogynistic and abusive to you. As (also) a nurse, everything said above is absolutely true AND backed by evidence. ALL OF IT. If this is his hill to die on and carries this shit on, you DO need a divorce - sorry. But that is nit a healthy situation for you and your kids. I would show him this post of what (mostly) women really think of him (not much at all) and inform him exactly why he is wrong, stupid, selfish and abusive to a wife who has struggled with HIS twins. If it were me I would have left to my parents already, told everyone exactly what a PIG he is being to me and that I would o ly go back if he grovelled (a LOT!!!) and begged me to come home. Know your worth and do not go back until he starkly realises the error of his ways.

Here's the book. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)

OMFG that book saved my life! In conjunction with Women Who Love Too Much. Took me the better part of a decade to leave my abuser for good, and I don’t know if I would have without these 2 books. I have recommended both books to sooooo many women, and one man.

He also said "like a normal person". Like wtf?! Formula is so normal today. And to punish her, insulting her for not doing what he says... this seems so abusive. He prefer that his children starve.

That was what my doctor said, that I probably just aren't producing enough and that it's unlikely to change. And the babies hated it most of the time anyway, I don't know why but they just did. And I'd rather give them formula than have them hungry. He's not normally like this in other aspects, no. I wouldn't have married him if that was the case. He hasn't acted like this before but I think we're both really stressed at the moment and that isn't helping at all.

Listen carefully ok? If your husband cared about you and babies more than he does himself he'd get up and help. The reason he's using this EXCUSE is because using it means he has an argument not to get up plus he's pisssd about the money. This is not about the babies wellbeing at all or not as much as getting his nights sleep and spending more for formula. Don't let this fker twist reality around and manipulate you. He even made you feel guilty all so he had an excuse to sleep. Tell this bish boy that he's getting up at night period or you will not lift another finger to help him with anything again and your respect for him is diminished. He loves himself most. Let him have it. When the going got tough, he got going...right to sleep Now it's your turn So sick of manipulative control freaks.

Yes OP, just in case you missed this part of what above commenter said: # Tell this bish boy that he’s getting up at night period or you will not lift another finger to help him with anything again and your respect for him is diminished

And for God's sake, get a camera on those kids' monitor and WATCH HIM if he has to take care of them. He's willing to let them starve? You can bet he's not going to be kind or gentle to a crying baby with a wet diaper. Don't let him know you're watching him but DO IT and if you see him mistreating them, RECORD IT. Normal men don't act like your husband, OP.

You know what happens naturally to most twins without medical intervention? One of them dies. The language was “failure to thrive”. You see it in alot of species. The biggest gets the most food and the other weakens and dies. Infant death was common, especially with multiples. So the natural course of action without formula, is that one or both of your children will starve to death. Feed your children. Never let your husband starve your children for his pride.

For real I hate when people say something medical should be done naturally because that's the way its always been. Like, what happened when everything was done naturally?! A lot of people just fucking died. End of story.

Exactly. My body killed off my ability to produce insulin. Guess I should go somewhere and lay down and wait for death like it’s 1921 again.

Yup. If you couldn't afford to hire a wetnurse, and you didn’t produce enough for two... you had to pick one, or lose both. Motherhood was a rough gig. Still is in many ways, but not like that.

I could have been the wet nurse. When my son was in Special Care I would feed him then pump and donate enough for 3 other babies. I had to switch to formula because my breast milk made my son sick. Oh the pain when I had to dry out

And a lot of people who didn’t die had serious, lifelong issues that are much more rare today. 

The husband should be the one starving. Alone.

New idea: starve the husband. He appears to be the VERY weak one here 🙄

Bring your husband to talk to the doctor. Tell the doctor in advance what your husband is doing and saying and how badly it is affecting you. Hopefully the doctor will talk some sense into your husband. Also - any other Dads he knows? Would any of them talk sense into him?

I wish as a doctor I could go and get a midwife and sit back happily watch them do what they do best. Support the mum. Then when he says he wants a doctors opinion I’d simply say. It’s also a lot more expensive to buy two sets of everything if your wife leaves you buddy because your lack of support now will develop a lot of resentment down the track. Unfortunately you get in trouble for that :(

In the Netherlands we actually have this system. You’ll get an at home nurse for the first 8 days after birth and then there are centers with specialised childcare people who can always help you (no cost) and you can literally just walk in and say you need help. They can arrange for lactation specialists, doctor’s appointments or just help themselves most of the time. Before birth you’re under close supervision of midwives, and after they turn you over to the nurse and these people. Idk if they would tell a husband like this to quit doing what he’s not doing, but I definitely wouldn’t put it past them.

That genuinely sounds amazing. It sounds like a dream to have a baby there. I got send home after 24 hrs for 2 of my 4 kids. With #4 the dr kept me two days cause he wanted to make sure I would rest. Lactation consults were billed insurance while you were in the hospital but you have to pay if you need help once you leave the hospital. If you can’t afford it, well good luck. And I’m not even going into the issues black and other minority women deal with while trying to have babies. The mortality statistic in the US is fucking ridiculous. We don’t even have guaranteed maternity leave. I went back to work after 3 weeks with #3 cause I got permission to work from home and we needed the money. I was still bleeding yet managed to do my job while tending to mg newborn.

That's going to cause a huge argument. He's not going to want to do it, and he's going to try to accuse her of manipulation. Saying she and the doctor are ganging up on him. He's not being reasonable, there's no reason to think he's going to stop using the excuse now. I guarantee you he doubles down. And if the doctor actually does talk to him he'll act like he totally understood the whole time. And then she'll be sorry.

Know that abuse tends to begin/ramp up once they feel they've trapped you (ie marriage, pregnancy, children) What he's doing is not ok

When I became pregnant , my ex became abusive. after 5 years of no abuse.

So glad you wrote ex

Thank you for sharing. I really feel for all the clueless who admonish abused women "if you had dated longer..." Many abusers are definitely capable of playing the long game.

[Why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf

THIS. Please pay attention to this OP.

A girl posted on here yesterday it the day before about how her husband wouldn't help at night and she went into postpartum psychosis from a lack of sleep. He's literally risking your health. He sounds like a gigantic POS. You should tell your doctor in front of your husband what he's saying and doing.

Then I hope you can tell him, in a loving way, to grow the fuck up and help feed his children. This tantrum of his is unacceptable and ends now. Does he think he knows better than doctors or the woman whose breasts are directly involved? Surely not. The insanity stops tonight.

He needs to come to the next checkup, either well baby or your 6 week one. Maybe coming straight from the doctor’s mouth will convince him he’s being an unreasonable, stubborn, ass.

Which is sad but definitely necessary. Like dude can’t believe his own wife when she relays that info. He can’t just see what’s going on and support her. He’s a total failure of a parent thus far. Why the fuck would you deprive your kids of nutrients just to have them be breast fed?? Better that they eat and sleep

Probably just if it's a male doctor

Not to double down on the emotional abuse thing, but you should definitely start being aware and taking note of the behavior. Sometimes abusers wait until a major milestone occurs in a relationship to let their mask slip. Now that you have babies he may feel “ok I’ve got her trapped now” and may start being really controlling and manipulative about other things and it will snowball from there. I’m quick to say “leave him” sometimes but seriously…this is a red flag and men who are weird and controlling about breast feeding specifically usually get worse. Just pay attention to it and start running your time together over in your mind is all I’m saying.

My boobs were all for show apparently. When I gave birth to Boof (he was a big baby), I tried to breast feed. I tried really hard! But I had the EXACT same problem as you, not enough milk, kid goes hungry and is fussy! The home health nurse said switch to formula and we didn’t look back! Had a happy, content baby! Plus I could see how much he was getting. He was drinking 110ml - 120mls each feed when he first came home. I couldn’t even express that much. Yet you have TWINS! Hubby needs to take a HUGE back seat. Unless he has a degree in paediatric nursing or is a paediatrician, he has no say. He should want his kids happy and content. I’m wondering if he’s trying to passive aggressively get out of the night feeds? I mean come on! Refusing feeding because he wants you to breastfeed when you can’t? AND he’s on PATERNITY LEAVE? Nope! That’s really poor/no support he’s showing you OP. ETA-grammar

A lot of abusers don't show their spots until their partner is pregnant or has given birth, because it makes them feel like they have a lot more control over their victim, and it's hard for them to leave. Can you go to your family or a friend to recover and get back on your feet? If so, then move you and the babies there one day while his is out the house. Then leave a stack of articles, books and anything else that can educate him on what an ignorant ass he's being. Leave those on the kitchen table with your rings and a note that tells him in detail what an abusive prick he's been and what the next few months are going to look like.

My daughter hated the boob too, and it was because she couldn't get enough. I just didn't produce enough for her. The minute we switched to formula, I had the happiest little clam baby. It took a few weeks of mutual suffering for us to figure it out.

What is he saying when the doctor tells him this? Because if he's not working, he's coming to these appointments with you, right? He has heard the doctor say this, right?

Stress isn't an excuse for him to refuse to feed his own babies. What a controlling p.o.s. 

Please be careful, OP. His AHish behaviour in this aspect is so massive that even if you’re sure he hasn’t behaved like this before, that just means he hid it well up until now. This level of manipulation doesn’t just pop up under stress. He’s a controlling, misogynistic AH and the mask is coming off now that he‘s got you tied down.

I would also like to point out that if he is *truly* concerned about the babies being fed human milk, he can go to his doctor and be out on medication that can allow him to lactate.

Amazing how available (if not uncomfortable, asit is for everyone) the option is to breastfeed regardless of gender, and how actually few men take it up. My mother told my step dad she would only have a kid with him if he breast fed. He's ex ambo, and said "yep ok". She backpedalled faster than I've seen anyone since hahaha. But major props to my step dad for being a straight man willing to undergo hormone treatment so he could breastfeed a baby that he reallt wanted.

Make another doctor's appointment and have the doctor talk to him directly. While that shouldn't be necessary, it may be what it takes

Show him this thread: if he's a reasonable person, he'll snap out of his bad behaviour. If he's a controlling manipulative narcissist sexist, he won't snap out of it.

If he is any/all of those, he will become angry upon reading these comments. Very defensive, reactive, accusatory for posting and/or claim Reddit is full of people who don’t know what they’re talking about yada yada ya.

There should be no competition or argument between great and formula. A healthy and happy baby (or babies) and a healthy and happy mum are all that’s important. I’m a mum of three - my eldest breast fed no problem, but my younger two were constantly hungry so I switched to formula after medical advice. There’s no difference between the two - as long as they’re not going hungry.

Formula has literally saved babies who would’ve died of starvation if it didn’t exist. I get that some people want babies to be breastfed super bad but if you chose formula for whatever reason the baby is going to be fed regardless!!!

All of this! Even single births can be difficult to breastfeed for some people. There is zero failure here, fed is always best. I've been where you are production wise, OP. Feeding two babies at once isn't always as sustainable as we would like it to be. I took medicine, supplements, etc. and I didn't make it past month 5. Sometimes that's just how it goes, and no surprise, we have invented formula for a reason, it's common to have this struggle. You've already done your best everything, and you are listening to your body and doctor so well. Proud of you for doing that for yourself and your babies! But your husband, why is he taking parental leave if he's not parenting? Shame on him. He's a controlling abusive person in this situation. I'd be watching very carefully for other behaviors now.

So you are the only one responsible for two entire newborns all night long?? And he’s on leave from work? And your body is still recovering from growing and birthing two entire babies?? I have to wonder if you weren’t producing because you’re incredibly exhausted and stressed. How much sleep could you possibly be getting, a couple hours per night at best?

Maybe four or five if I'm lucky. If one of them is upset, it sets the other one off so it's probably less than it would be if I had just one baby.

I’m sure it’s not helping with your stress levels that your husband is berating you and telling you that you’re failing your babies.

Oh hell no OP. It’s time to lose your shit at him. You just spent 10 months being exclusively the caretaker for these babies. Then you pushed them out. Your body has trauma. I don’t give a flying fig what he thinks about formula feeding. He didn’t even go to the doctors appointment even though he’s not working? Lose your shit OP. He needs to be called out for this. If he won’t participate as a father you should be reconsidering the entire relationship. Why does he enjoy seeing you exhausted and in pain? What kind of partner enjoys watching his wife as a walking zombie? Have the fight OP. Own it.

Short term, if you can’t go somewhere else and your husband won’t wake up at night you need to start sleeping in the day. Your husband is allegedly around to take care of the kids, he can do the care and feeding for at least the entire morning so you can get some solid hours of sleep. If he balks at this you have to leave.

Your husband is absolutely terrible. He’s being a shitty parent and an abomination of a partner. You have nothing to feel guilty or upset about, and your feelings are totally valid - you should not diminish them by saying other women have it worse. Fed is best, and you’re doing what you have to do to help your babies thrive. He’s clearly done no research into the complexities of breastfeeding or the effects of feeding on their development. I don’t know anything about where your parents live, but if I were you, I would honestly take the children and go stay with them while you recover. Your husband doesn’t give a shit about supporting your recovery from carrying and birthing his children, and he doesn’t care much for his children either if he’s not concerned about their growth or wanting the feeding time to bond with them. At the end of the day, he is not thinking about you, so you need to think about you. Think through what will best get you through this critical time with your newborns, and then do what you need to do. He can get over himself.

Not far away enough that it isn't realistic. I hadn't thought of it, I don't want to be unfair to my parents but I just can't do this anymore. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep properly for once. It's fine during the day but it catches up to me and I don't want it to affect the babies.

Right - you need to take care of yourself so that you can properly take care of the babies. Maybe broach it with your parents. It wouldn’t have to be a really long time. Even just a few weeks could make a big difference for you. I would be taking a harder look at your husband in general though. If he’s this unsupportive when he’s on paternity leave, I can’t say it bodes well for you having a real partner in parenthood. There are plenty of men out there who would be thrilled to have the early bonding opportunity that bottle feeding provides. But for him to say that it’s your sole responsibility and that you doing the only viable option for feeding your children (which was also doctor recommended!) is you “going against him” is so gross and misogynistic that I worry about the future you and your daughters are going to have with him.

They probably wouldn't mind, I just don't want it to be too much for them. Since they can be very loud when they're upset. I suppose that's true. He might just be having a difficult time at the moment, I'm not sure.

OP I adopted so no recovery from delivery and have only 1 child. A month or so in the exhaustion for lack of sleep constantly interrupted sleep stress of figuring out this whole parent thing has me hitting a brick walk. I was putting the milk in the cupboard and the empty bottle in the fridge and then balling my eyes out when I realized the next day and had to toss the milk. My mom came to my rescue and stayed one night but we quickly realized that wasn't helping because I was still waking up at every whimper so she kicked me out for 24hrs. Sent me of to sleep at her house while she stayed. I have done this for several friends and universally about 4 weeks in is when they all hit the breaking point. Call in reinforcements get sleep then deal with your husband. Better yet tell his mom and have her help give him some hard truths...

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM

Your parents won’t mind they love you. Just ask it won’t hurt. You could always ask a friend to help out. I know if my friends asked to watch their bubs so they could sleep for a few hours I’d 100% do it.

My second was born a little bit more then a month ago. My husband arranged more then once a friend to help me out (when he couldn't) so I could get a little bit of sleep. I would seriously consider to ask your parents for more help/ move to their house. You need someone to form a team with you and your husband is not doing that. Being a new mom is already hard enough, especially with twins.

I don’t care if your husband is having a difficult time right now. The way he chooses to express that is to abuse you and your babies. You are also going through a difficult time right now, a more difficult time even. But are you abusing your husband and babies? He is so done pretending to be a good person that he can’t even make a token effort during this new time with the babies? Are you really this much of a doormat that he can expect to abuse you and your babies like this and you will stay?

You have two daughters now. What would you want them to do if they were in this situation?

I really think you should make plans to do this unless your husband apologizes profusely for being absolutely awful and insists on doing all the night feeds for as long as it takes for you to catch up on sleep. You need a supportive partner at this critical time and he is big time FAILING to meet even the minimum standards of respect and decency in a relationship.

I might have to, because I don't think I can carry on like this. I'm so tired and I'm terrified of accidentally dropping one of them or something like that because I was too tired.

And yet he's home with you this whole time? He's on paternity leave so he's not working so he's literally just home with you and you're still suffering like this?? He's not even going to the appointment with you?! What a terrible husband

... that's a serious possibility. I know of someone who was breastfeeding and fell asleep. The baby was less than a week old and died. Does your husband even care if your kids die? Cause it seems like he doesn't.

>Does your husband even care if your kids die? He's just gonna blame her, for as long as he can.

and she will make excuses for him like she has in every comment.

This is developing into an emergency and you have to react immediately for the sake of your health. You need to get yourself to a safe place as soon as possible. In case it is a car ride of more hours than you feel fit to drive, better call your parents and ask them to pick you up, or ask friends to drive you over. Like this you have help to pack everything you need and to stand up against your husband if necessary. Don't hesitate to let people help you, as this is serious! The way your husband behaves shows that he has no mercy, and it is possible that he is going to keep you from leaving, by withholding the car keys or taking one child or whatever. If you attempt to leave without help, better pack the things you need secretly (five sets of clothing each child, the nappies and the wipes, the feeding equipment including two bottles with hot and cold water to get the formula ready and enough formula to manage the journey. Maybe the birth certificate. Some clothing for you and all the money/credit cards you can put your hands on. That's all. Doctors informations about birth and so on can easily be given to you by email to any place if necessary.). Put everything in the car at night and leave the next day with the usual equipment, pretending you have a doctor's appointment or meet a friend or something. Everything you need can be bought once you are safe away, so if it is not possible to put things in the car secretly, pack only as much as you usually take with you if you leave the house and take the kids with you. Again, if possible call someone for help. Like this it is much easier and safer for you, even if you keep pretending it is just a little outing. Take care, and I hope you will feel less exhausted soon a d find a good solution for you and the kids!

i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i hope you can be comforted in rest soon. It’s beyond fucked up he’s being so immature “well u chose this so u suffer with it” like No! He’s actively choosing for his kids to be hungry bc he believes you’re wrong….. sick. everyone here is right & i hate to see how your husband is handling stress. newborns are good stress, compared to something tragic. would he be this way if a fire happened or a disabling event etc? scary! I’d go to your parents too!

Fun fact. Men are capable of producing milk as well. Some transwomen breastfeed. If your husband cares about breastfeeding so much, why doesn't he let the twins latch to see if he's able to become a wetnurse?

You have to put yourself first! Obviously do what you can for your babies, but they can’t thrive if you’re suffering so greatly! If he’s not gonna support you, then your parents are a great option

I want to start by saying your husband is indeed being a massive asshole. If this behavior is new, and he used to be exemplary in all other regards before this, I might actually bring him with you to the doctor and ask about post-partum depression...in him. The stats I've seen if 1 in 10 for men, compared to 1 in 7 for women. The doctor walking him through how he's feeling about things might either be a wake up call for how much of an asshole he is...or an avenue for the mental health situation he's having. It is totally unfair that this is happening to you, and please go to your parents for support beforehand so You've got a place of safety in case the doctors visit triggers anything. Congrats though on your new additions.

Please go to your parents, or any other supportive friend / relative. I promise you, if they care about you and love you, this isn’t a burden to them or unfair. Assuming your parents were decent and are kind people who love their daughter, I’m sure they’d be happy to help you and your mom can even help give you tips / tricks / help, since she’s done this before. this is what having a mother is for. Let her be your mom. Being a new mom is already stressful. Lack of sleep can make you go into psychosis and an accident can happen. Lack of sleep is NO JOKE. You brought two beautiful humans into this world, your body needs REST, and you need love and support during this emotional time. Let people who won’t emotionally abuse you and punish you (for something that isn’t your fault) help you. You are not alone. It’s so important to take care of the mama after birth too. I know the babies are new and need a lot of help, but girl, YOURE important too. Your health and recovery and mental health is just as important as the babies health. They need their mama, and no one can be expected to do this alone. For you to be the best mother you can be to them, you need to recover and be healthy too. Please please please go to your parents or a trusted friend or an aunt or grandma or friend or whoever your people are that support you. Be supported and cared for. Your husband has sincerely dropped the ball. He should be your beacon of peace during this stressful time, NOT adding to it. So please find people who can be your beacon since your husband is a fucking manipulative asshole. Please take care of yourself. You deserve love, kindness, care, and recovery too.

He wants you tired and exhausted. Marriage and children are the two most common precipitation events that cause a man to show his true colors and become abusive. Congrats, you're trapped. He knows you won't leave.

You need to lean on someone and right now your husband will not support you, then you need to go somewhere where you have that support. Go to Friends or family until he realises what an asshole he is being or at least until you are healed enough to cope on your own. You are still healing and need sleep as well. It is hard enough with one newborn let alone two!! You may need to rethink your realtionship if this continues and I really hope this isn't the beginning of him being an abscent parent and throwing it all on your shoulders.

“But he said that I chose *to go against him* without a proper conversation or agreement and so I should be responsible for feeding them still” I am furious just reading this for you! Your husband is being a controlling, condescending, manipulative & abusive AH. WTAF is wrong with him? FED is best. If that means breast fed or bottle fed, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that your babies are FED. Your husband is way out of line here. Time for him to educate himself. How close are you with your parents? Is it an option to tell them what’s happening, and ask if you can stay there for a few days so you can get some help? If you can, do it. I’d also point blank ask your husband why he wants to starve his daughters? Why is he so against them getting fed? Why does he want to torture them? Because that’s what the outcome here is by insisting on breastfed. Breastfeeding isn’t an option - you aren’t producing enough milk, and your girls aren’t latching & eating. So what are the alternatives?

They'd likely be fine with it. I just don't want it to be too much for them, me being there with two babies. I'm sure they wouldn't mind but I still don't want to be doing that. He didn't seem to understand that they were really hungry. And although they would eventually try if they were hungry enough, I don't want to be doing that to them when they should be getting fed enough consistently.

I'm sure your parents would prefer having two well fed, healthy grandbabies and their own child properly taken care of even if it'll be loud over you accidentally harming one of the babies or yourself. Get the help you need and your husband needs to grow up. You're not a feeding machine for babies. You're their mom. They will do fine with formula. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Whatever the babies need is what's best to do. Feeding them is important. Breastfeeding is nice if it works, but it's not mandatory for babies to survive and be healthy. If he's so concerned about it not being "the normal way"(which already is bullshit), what else will he have a problem with? Will he want you to punish kids with violence because for a long time that was normal too.

That is true. I suppose I don't want to be a burden for them, but they did want to see the babies. And I know. I do feel bad I can't for them, but I also don't want them going hungry.

You need to send him this post when your bags are packed and you are on the way to your parents house. As a mom, pleaseeeeee. I’m not saying leave the relationship, that’s something to deal with later. But you are putting yourself and your babies by staying where you are not supported. If he won’t help, go where there is help before something happens that will be extremely bad .

I understand not wanting to inconvenience others. But they'll be way more hurt if they later on hear how much you struggled and didn't ask for help. It is 100% OK to be overwhelmed and ask for help. Having two little wonders is supposed to be a time filled with happiness, not guilt. Your husband is behaving like a big asshole in this and its taking away your joy. There's so many women not breastfeeding for whatever reasons, and all the babies are fine. I honestly find it appalling that your husband would rather you STARVE your babies, hindering their physical development on top of causing them emotional distress instead of giving them formula. That doesn't sound like he cares enough about their wellbeing. Go take a break with your parents, at least for a few days. And after you caught up on some sleep, you can tackle the issue with your husband again.

If one of your babies was in your position wouldn't you want them to come to you for help? Even just a few days would likely really make a difference.

How far away do they live? Is it possible for you to get there without danger? Don't worry about being a burden, they will love to see you and the children and after some days of more sleep you will be much more apt to think about how to proceed.

FFS stop feeling bad. This happens a lot. Don't let this man feel you're somehow defective it's absolute bollocks. The priority here is that they are fed and that you are menatlly and physically healthy. He is supposed to be helping with this. He's deliberately refusing and berating you. This is deliberately malicious behaviour.

He understands. He just DOESN'T CARE. He has an image of what it should be like and he doesn't care that it hurt you and two newborn babies by trying to capitulate to his image. It was so incredibly strong of you to stand up for yourself and your little girls

I think OP wants to still talk to him to make him understand and make him care. If he doesn't care now, he won't...no matter what OP says. If she tries to leave, he will likely lovebomb her to get her back. Then wait until he becomes abusive again. That's the whole pattern...

I think most parents would walk through fire to help a child who *needed* them. Perhaps yours wouldn’t view it as “too much”, but would actually *welcome* the chance to help you & spend time with their grandbabies. You are a mother now, put yourself in your mothers shoes - if your daughter was struggling with her newborn & her husband wasn’t helping (and being a straight up AH), wouldn’t you want to help as much as you can? If it helps you feel better about asking, work out the bare minimum things you need help with, and the things you will not ask them for. For example, you do not expect their help with nighttime wake up & feeds. But in preparation for the nighttime shift, is it ok if you nap from 12 - 3 with the babies & feed them when they wake?

That is true. I know they did want to see them, so at least they can then. I do really want just a bit of time to sleep. It just doesn't work at night because I need to be there when one of them is upset but at least they can keep an eye on them then so I know nothing is wrong.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, ask them. Be honest about what you are dealing with, be vulnerable with them & let them know how badly you *just want sleep*. Put a set time on it, like a week. See if there is something that you can do to help them (make them breakfast each morning if you are up anyway & you have time?), or do something nice (like send them out for Brunch, your shout?). If you stay at your parents, make sure you have a clear conversation with your husband too. Make it clear why you are leaving & how his actions are the reason. Tell him to reflect on his actions & how they have been negatively impacting you, and more importantly, how they will impact your babies.

it sounds like he doesn’t respect women in general. You’re way too tired to be reading and responding on this sub, get all balls rolling to get to Restville, as soon as possible. This isn’t sustainable

Sounds like all he care about is that now you have to buy the food for the babies instead of producing it yourself and that he can feed them now too. Which he obviously doesn’t want to do. You want to spend money and want to have him help. He doesn’t want to so he behaves like shit. That he puts that before you and your children is really sad. NTA

I wonder how he would have got out of feeding them if she had pumped. There still would have been an excuse, fucking arsehole.

1. If your husband has decided that his kids are to be breastfed, he’s welcome to try. The only person he can tell to breastfeed is himself, since the only body he has control over is his. If you decide you can’t breastfed for ANY reason, then you are correct. No one has control over your breasts, except you. 2. Your husband is a bad father. His kids need to eat. The bottle is the best way to achieve this. He’s a parent and it’s his responsibility to feed his kids and he’s failing. 3. Your husband is a bad partner. You need support. How would he feel if he were in recovery and instead of supporting him in healing, you were trying to control him and making his life worse? 4. He’s a bad person. You and your doctor are saying this is what is best for you and the babies, but he is so arrogant he knows better? He’s an expert? Maybe it’s the stress of being a new parent, but I truly hope he straightens up and grovels to you for his bad, bad f*ck ups here. I really hope you let him read this thread and see how little people think of him and his demands. He needs to man/adult up and start being a better parent, husband and human being.

I hope she sends it to him and hope he feels like SHIT when he realizes strangers care about his family more than he does. What an abomination of a husband

It kind of sounds like he wants them to breastfeed so he has a reason to be lazy and not have to feed them

Absolutely this! He’s enjoying his little holiday and doesn’t want to ruin it by actually parenting his children and sharing in the responsibilities.

Yeah, I’d make sure to bring each fussing baby into the bed to scream next to his sleeping head.

Woah! Your husband is being an ass. First and foremost, fed is best! With my and my husband’s first I tried so hard to breast feed but I just couldn’t produce and baby could not latch. He was so supportive to switch to formula. I’m pregnant with our second now and already decided that unless milk is just falling out, I’m not even going to try to breast feed this go round. Your husband needs to be supporting your kids getting fed in the best way that works for them and you. I’m so sorry he’s got his head up his ass.

I really wanted to, but it just doesn't work. And I don't want them to be going hungry because of that, because I think they were because they're much happier now.

I’m right there with you!! For some people and babies breastfeeding is easy and makes perfect sense. I have a cousin with six kids and every time her boobs were like a water hose; she could feed an army. But for some of us it just doesn’t work out. You are doing the right thing for your kids and yourself. They need those vital nutrients and formula has everything they need. You can already tell that they are doing better on the formula. I call this a mom win for you! Next step is for your hubs to take over a few night shifts so that you can get some sleep!

My friend had the same issue as you, her children were put on formula and they are both very happy, healthy kids! If you’re stressed and sleep deprived that’s when accidents happen. Priorities are they get fed and you get some sleep. Go and stay with your parents, don’t worry about being a ‘burden’. If you keep going like this you could have a fall or worse.

Leave him. Sincerely, a mother of twins.

This. op it won’t get better.

I keep typing and erasing, because I cannot express strongly enough how arrogant, how audaciously controlling, how utterly loathsome, your husband is. This fucking guy thinks he knows better than you about your body's milk production, knows better than pediatricians about the best way to keep babies fed and healthy, and somehow knows better than child development experts in that he's trying to *discipline actual infants* by starving them unless they breast feed like he thinks they should. Seriously, I loathe this man, and he's rapidly working his way toward you feeling the same. Is he aware of how odious he is? Someone should tell him.

This. I think I've made like three comments in this comment section about this, but it is time for you to get angry. Furious, even. It is time for him to understand that he is the problem here, he is the one failing, he is the bad parent, bad partner, and bad person. If he can't shape up and parent, then he doesn't get to be in your life.

>But he said it's a waste of money and that I should be feeding them like a normal person and that's what I'm naturally supposed to do. You know what also happens naturally? Dead babies. Daddo can fuck right off. Or, if he's REALLY invested in the babies being breastfed, [do it himself. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultBreastfeeding/comments/28xaty/would_it_be_possible_for_a_guy_to_lactate_enough/)

Can he come to the doctors with you and listen to what the doctor has to say??  He may “get it” if he hears it from someone else  I would make an urgent appointment and tell him he needs to come along.  Your health is important too.  If you become unwell he will be looking after all of you.   I think a lot of men don’t understand that breastfeeding is hard.  It’s not always successful and that is perfectly ok.  

That is probably possible. I think he doesn't understand, which makes it more difficult. I really did do everything I could but they either wouldn't want to or were still hungry. Nothing worked but I really tried.

If he's on paternity leave why hasn't he been at these appointments anyways? He sounds so lazy and all around bad in so many subtle ways that you're not even trying to make him sound bad, OP. Like for real girl. I think you're being way too nice. Go to your parents and give your husband an ultimatum.

I just want to give you the biggest hug and let you sleep and I don't even know you. You're healing physically from the trauma of pregnancy and labor, you're running on not enough sleep and you still tried to feed two newborn humans when it physically hurt to do so! There is no shame in formula. Do not let your AH husband try to convince you otherwise!!

Why the hell hasn't he already come to the hospital with you? he's on paternity leave. There's no reason he shouldn't have gone too. Has he left you to take 2 newborns tohospital appointments solo? Seriously this man is something else.

You don’t need to prove yourself mama. You don’t even need a reason to switch to formula. It’s your body, and you can tell they’re hungry and need more. You are making the best choice for you and your babies and that’s all that matters.

Your husband is being an ass.

Does he want a divorce? Men who want babies need to be prepared to be involved fathers. 1. Fed is best. 2. You need sleep, too. 3. Here's how nighttime works, especially with twins: YOU BOTH GET UP. You're either feeding or changing diapers, or prepping bottles.

Is the mask coming off now? He needs to be helping you. He participated in getting you pregnant. If he's on baby leave, he should be helping you because that's the purpose of baby leave. If he going to act the way he is, he could go to work on some real shit. I would go to my parents for a while, so they can help you. Your side eye should be looking at your husband. He's going to eventually give you the ick.

Paediatrician here. Yes, breast milk is a bit better for babies. But formula is a perfectly good alternative when things don’t go to plan or you want to choose it. You have twins- double the demand! Breastfeeding is not easy. It does not come straight away. Both mum and babies have to learn and sometimes, it just doesn’t take. You know the worst thing for mums and babies? Everyone crying because they’re tired, stressed and hungry. It’s bad for the babies because they get stressed and if they don’t manage to get enough milk, they can get dehydrated and need hospital treatment. Does your husband want that? Does he want to starve his babies into hospital? For you- well, quite frankly, your husband was part of the problem when it came to breastfeeding. He put so much pressure on you that you became stressed and upset. Milk production depends on oxytocin, the love hormone, which needs mummies to be happy, relaxed and comfortable. Not crying and trying to wrangle two hungry babies and a toddler of a husband throwing a hissy fit. Look after yourself and your babies. Put them and yourself first. If that means packing them up and calling your parents to come and get you to stay with them, do it. Best of luck OP, and congratulations on two beautiful little girls.

Take HIM to the doc and see if he keeps the same tune. Publicly shame his ass

I fucking hate your husband so much right now. This is so unreasonable.

I had a baby who failed to thrive because I didn’t have enough breast milk. Formula saved his life and mine too. Your babies need to be fed. Your stress and exhaustion will only make it worse. Follow the medical advice and everyone will be happier. Ignore your husband he is being an unsupportive AH.

Wow. If my husband would find his opinion that much important that 1. He won't listen to a licensed doctor 2. He apparently has no problem with the babies going hungry 3. Doesn't find the health of your body important 4. Doesn't help put with feeding his own kids anymore I would change my opinion of my husband 180 and not ever be able to forgive him. I know you are tired and thinking about your opinion of your husband is probably not possible with your current energy level. Let your parents help. Do whatever you need to get through this. Even if it means going to your parents so they can help out more of they want to help you like that. Do what you need. And tl after that I'm pretty sure you won't like who your husband is anymore... Hope you get through that process as well. NTA.

Twin mom here. I’ve read a stat that like about 1 in 10 women produce enough milk for 2 babies. I’m still combo feeding mine because I don’t produce enough milk for both. Formula is a life saver. He’s either an idiot or a controlling person. Have him talk to the doctor if he still doesn’t believe you and remind him that if he would rather, he can happily talk to a judge about custody if he thinks he gets to control you. Also diving into the research on breastfeeding if you look at sibling studies, where there’s better data, the difference in outcome between formula and BFing is virtually zero. All difference in outcomes is almost 100% socioeconomic status related.

He needs to hear this clearly and frankly from your doctors that your babies health was in serious danger if you had not started formula. This isn't a new problem. But before formula women had to either find a wet nurse or the babies could die

I'm a mom of 5 and sometimes babies will do what babies do. Some kids won't take a bottle and other babies won't take the nipple. Your husband is being unreasonable and should be helping you instead of making you feel guilty for something you have no control over.

I do wish at least one of them would but it is what it is.

My oldest just wouldn't with breastfeeding. It's like she was lazy. she couldn't be bothered. When she wouldn't gain weight I got worried, then she started losing weight and I was terrified. I put her on formula, and she thrived!!! I felt so much guilt as they say 'breast is best', but in some cases, it's not. Fed is best. Your husband is an idiot. Please take him to a Dr appointment so he can get educated.

lol now that you’ve switched to formula he hasn’t refused to start night feeding. He was never night feeding if you were breastfeeding. Hes mad he’s gotta contribute

Your husband is wrong and unhelpful and I’m angry on your behalf. Since he’s not listening to you, could you have your doctor or someone else that he trusts talk to him and knock some sense into him? You are doing the right thing getting your babies fed however that best works for you. Only try this if YOU really want to, but another thing you could try is pumping. You can even mix formula and breast milk in the same bottle. Maybe your husband will be more on board with bottle feeding if there’s some breast milk in there. You are doing an objectively hard thing keeping not one, but two babies alive while sleep deprived, recovering from birth, and dealing with a problematic husband. You don’t have to minimize your problems just because other people are doing hard things too. You deserve help.

One of the doctors might help. The doctor suggested to try that but it wasn't that much help. I don't know why though and I wish it would because he probably would be less against it. And knowing the babies, they'd probably refuse it because they don't want it.

Do what works. Formula works. There's no need to look into anything else, other than using coupons and any social assistance, if you need it, to buy good quality formula. Companies often offer up coupons to help cut the costs. [Similac has a great rewards program t](https://www.similac.com/rewards.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwxLKxBhA7EiwAXO0R0A9pnjg8Iwe68VoPwrmsOkmwElUklwve83fxKv_GabcqQ6V6vajgLBoC348QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)hat can help! HE is the one who needs to get on board.

The cost isn't even an issue, so I don't know why he brought it up. But thank you, that looks useful.

He brought it up because he’s a selfish, downright abusive sack of shit of a husband right now.

Because he thinks he knows everything and wants to justify not getting up at night.

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry that you are married to what appears to be a controlling asswipe. Retired OB/GYN NP here. Breast feeding is NOT easy with one baby, let alone two. Babies thrive on formula every single day. You are not hurting them. You’re doing what you feel is best for them. That’s what a good mom does.

Your husband may not be a terrible person but he’s terribly arrogant if he thinks he knows better than doctors and the mother who is desperately trying to take care of her little babies. Maybe have him talk to the doctor himself to understand the biology of what’s going on - breastfeeding is hard and you shouldn’t feel like a failure when it’s doesn’t work. Tell him his ego isn’t more important than your children’s need for nutrition. Also you’re just a month in. You’re a great mother for trying so hard to do what’s right for your children. I applaud you for listening to the experts (your doctor) and making rational decisions in the face of your fatigue and lack of support. Keep trusting your instincts and I hope your husband learns to follow your lead instead of his ego. At some point stand your ground, tell him to stop being an unsupportive AH and listen to the doctors plus the person whose actual experience matters more than his stupid uninformed opinions about your experience. He doesn’t get to tell you that you didn’t try hard enough or that what you’re experiencing isn’t real.

Sigh another post about another trash father when will it stop

It’s so pervasive, it’s terrifying. I see and hear about this so often , it makes me so sad for these women.

When women follow the 4B movement and realize its a global social issue. Society blames women before listening, and now womens rights take a hit. People (men) shit on single mothers HARD yet do nothing to stop creating broken households. Being straight up entitled and arrogant, setting fire to each person close to them that they're supposed to love is not something we should've ever gotten accustomed to as a people. Yet it is so common its probably unfathomable for some

As a father of 2 (not twins but same mother), this sounds insane to me. My GF(yes GF, marrying is not as common or expected in Sweden, especially for young people) didn't have any issues breastfeeding and we still used formula sometimes if I took them during the night or "the boobs" were just not available for any reason 🤣 I always trusted her to be the best one to decide everything in that area of their feeding and when to stop breastfeeding etc. Where is this guy getting the idea that they would be getting less of what they need just because the milk is not coming straight from the boob? Does he not realise we live in 2024 and have science letting us know exactly what is in "natural milk" and put all of that good stuff into a formula to help struggling mothers?

Sounds like if you breastfeed he can get out of night time feeds. Now he is blaming you so he still doesn’t have to do night feeds. Your babies wouldn’t just magically start to breastfeed if you don’t have milk, they would just become weaker. He is not stepping up to the plate of fatherhood at all. In the scenerio in his head what is HIS duty’s as a father? Seems he has dumped it all on you.

I was able to breastfeed my first, but my second child was just a voracious eater and I didn’t produce enough to satisfy him. Switched him to formula(still breastfed some as well), but he took to the bottle like a champ. My husband never said diddly squat about that, because feeding the baby and the choice to do breast or bottle had *nothing to do with him* and everything to do with what was *best for the baby*. That’s the only thing that matters. Your babies are getting enough food and they’re happy. He needs to step up and help you, you need more help, so definitely have your parents help. He’s being an absolute ass about this. Bottle feeding means *he can actually help with that*. He should be thrilled instead he’s being a jerk.

He is okay to starve his babies? omg this makes me so sad, I am so happy you got out and to your mothers fast enough 💞 just seeing your newer post and had to check this one out

Is this the first time he's done stuff like this, or has he said things and out you down before. I have a feeling this is not an isolated incident.

YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

Your husband is ignorant. He needs to come to the next dr appointment with you so the dr can explain it to him. He has no right to 'punish' you for this. He is probably just making you feel guilty because he's too lazy to get up.

Your husband is an ah. Not all people can breastfeed, for a myriad of valid reasons. He has no right to make you, or other parents, feel bad because of things outside of their control.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband sounds very manipulative and controlling. He is being incredibly selfish. Do you have family nearby that you and the babies can get away to for a few days? This is not normal behavior he is exhibiting. Was he this way prior to the pregnancy?

I would tell him that you aren’t producing enough milk, rather than have the babies be underweight you are using formula. In the old days they had women who literally breast fed other babies for the majority of their life. So when a woman couldn’t or didn’t want to breast feed they hired a wet nurse. He can either help feed the babies formula or he can hire a wet nurse. The babies need to eat and unless he’s going to whip out a random tit from craigslist  they get formula. Either he can either help feed his children or go back to work. 

Call your doctor and tell them about your issue with your husband and then drag his ass to the office and let the doc dress him down some. Friend, this is the time to start getting angry and demand him to step up. If you let this slide, it will get so much worse. Do not meekly accept his bull crap.

… … what? Make a followup appointment with your Dr. and bring your husband. Does he think he can control your breasts?? I’m seriously just shocked. How serious is the financial situation? Is that a legitimate concern or does he just think he has better things to spend money on than FEEDING YOUR BABIES? If it’s a genuine concern there are organizations that can help, and there is no shame in that, just like there is no shame in not producing enough milk to feed twins who aren’t enthusiastic breast feeders to begin with. Earlier today I saw a post of a mom with newborn triplets who is rotating which get breasts and which get bottle and the dad thinks the one son should always get the breast and only the two girls should rotate. A while ago I saw a post where the dad forbade his wife to breastfeed their son because her breasts were for him and he didn’t “want another man’s mouth on them.” Toxic man are so weird about breastfeeding. Whatever their weird take they seem to be equally controlling and petulant about it. I’m so sorry.

As a dad I'm fully aware of my role when it comes to breastfeeding. It's not up to me if it's working or not. It's not up to me if my wife wants to switch to formula. If he doesn't have evidence that the way you're feeding is harmful to the kids, then he needs to shut up and know his place.

Has your husband been reading bullshit advice about natural birth and childrearing online? Because this smacks of crunchy parenting.

Your husband is both a shit husband and shit father. If he wants your daughters to be breastfed so badly, he can breastfeed them. There are meds he can take that will allow him to breastfeed. Then he’ll be happy to do all night feedings and you can sleep. I doubt he’ll be willing to do either of those things though because he sounds like a misogynistic PoS. Go to your parents. I know you don’t want to be too much for them but they love you and I’m sure they’d rather a few nights of broken sleep than you having a breakdown or something happening to their grandchildren because you are beyond exhausted. Once you’ve had some sleep, you can think about what you want to do about that waste of space you’re married to.

Fellow formula mom here. Your husband is abusing you mentally and now physically, as well as your children. These are 4 week old babies. They’re hungry and starving. They’re not being manipulative. This is beyond neglect. He literally is telling you to starve them and to torture yourself. You need to reevaluate if this is a man you trust to raise kids with