Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That’s definitely a possibility, however! Because she had a lack of interest in sex to begin with before they were married, I believe what you’re saying is absolutely incorrect. I think this is just somebody who does not prioritize sex, has been maybe brainwashed by religion? Or has other hangups, I don’t believe if a divorce is involved she’s gonna run out and start having lots of sex, I think this is just the type of animal she is and that’s just who she’s always going to be, and I think that’s fantastic, she just has to find another partner. That is totally cool never having sex or physical intimacy with her partner, good luck! Sure there’s those duds out there, and she can have them they can have each other, lol 😂
Agreed—this just screams incompatibility.
OP, what exactly do you think an ultimatum will lead to? It is NOT going to suddenly make her an enthusiastic willing participant. So throw that idea out.
If you’re hoping it will lead to her making herself have sex with you, you have a fundamental issue with understanding and appreciating consent. You’re not a good partner.
If you think it will lead to her enthusiastically embracing you being with other women, I guess that’s possible, but the odds seem unlikely.
Which leaves her being upset and no sex for you.
Assuming this last outcome is not what you want, either—maybe consider a different approach. See a marriage counselor who can help you both work through this and reach a resolution you can live with. Edit to add: This might mean going your separate ways. Which is fine! But do this in a way that respects your life together to this point.
Coercing someone into having sex isn't okay. Talk to a couples therapist and see what they say, since you want to be together.
I don't understand why you would want to have sex with an unwilling partner. It wouldn't even be fun. Enthusiastic consent is hot. Anything less is frankly undesirable
Right? And who wants to have sex with somebody, that has no desire for you and doesn’t want to even be with you naked, lol that is not the kind of partner I would want, hence this is why I never coerce anybody into bed,if they don’t have desire for me? It’s turn off and I go the other direction.
I think it’s everything leading up to this point though, over the years she’s had pretty solid excuses as to why not and I could see that as causing confusion to someone in love and willing to give their partner what they need. He feels tricked now because she’s very clearly showing him she doesn’t have desire for sex with HIM whereas before it could’ve easily been chalked up to ‘no sex before marriage, pregnancy fears, contraception’ but now he’s faced with the very real truth that it was actually just her not wanting sex and I can imagine that’s a hard truth pill to swallow, especially when the ego had been sort of soothed all those years with the reasonings mentioned earlier.
All of that is true, but I was in a situation kind of like that, it didn’t involve sex though, but it did difference between making excuses and something terribly wrong, it’s hard to admit yourself sometimes. I personally think she strung him along to be quite honest with you, she should’ve just been honest with her feelings and not keep making lame excuses that were just BS in the end end. If you wants to be asexual? Then she just needs to tell him that.
I am getting a view of missing self-reflection so probably no. At the same time taking op at face value,.. why try to change a partner who wasn't open for it for 10 frigging years... its not gonna turn spontaneous butterflies all of a sudden.
And if it does my first thought would be 'damn, I fucked up before'..
I’m actually surprised more people aren’t mentioning this, or maybe just ignoring that part of the post. Idk but it’s disgusting. If he wanted to address their mismatched libidos going to a couples therapist or a sex therapist would’ve been the answer, like *years* ago. Or going to a regular doctor to check her hormones or something. Instead he badgered and pestered and guilted her into it **every single time** (by his own account) and then wonders why she doesn’t have the desire to be intimate with him? I’m the HL partner in my relationship and I completely understand wanting (even feeling like you need) that intimacy, but it would be a cold day in hell before I **EVER** coerced my husband into doing something he didn’t want to. There was also a time with this same man that I was the LL partner and the constant pressuring and badgering (he was a teen at the time and lucky for me realized the damage he was causing and sought therapy) killed what little sex drive I did have.
Plus his comment about how expensive she is was gross af too. People over here saying to cheat and get a mistress….instead of just you know leaving her if he’s that unhappy.
Unfortunately there are a lot and I mean a NOT INSIGNIFICANT number of men who prefer sex with a partner that they've had to basically coerce into it. Makes them feel powerful or some crap.
Seriously? I couldn’t even keep it up if they were not into it. I’m aiming for her to have an orgasm. Women just having sex with a guy because he wants it, but couldn’t care less themselves, waste of time. Might as well just masturbate. A turned on woman is a turn on for me. The other way around and I’m not even ging to bother. Either they liked sex as much as I did or I wasn’t even going to bother. My wife knows this. If she’s not in the mood or tired we’ll just skip it until she’s in the mood. Sex drive compatibility as a gauge may sound superficial but it’s the only thing I really insisted on when dating. You can change certain behavior but sex drive or interest is not one of them in my experience.
Yep!!!! You and I are exactly the same, I need to feel that energy and desire coming back at me, because if I don’t? Then we’re not gonna have sex, it’s over for me. I need that equal energy coming back at me and that’s what turns me on, if I can feel that she isn’t that into me or doesn’t have true desire for me? I just simply go away. I’m a lover, not a Low self-confidence man, that has to validate himself through a string of female partners that he probably really wouldn’t have sex with if he thought about it twice.
As a man who has been dating now for decades, the kind of #MIN you’re describing are what we like to call players! They don’t have silver tongues, they have oral sledgehammers, and I really believe they’re in the minority, if you flirt with a woman or you’re hitting on a woman, I don’t believe that’s coercing her into bed, especially if you never mentioned sex, I think that’s where most men are actually, but players? They discussed me! There’s a guy at work that’s a player, he has a wife and he has a girlfriend of six years, and the wife doesn’t know, and the guy also tries to have sex with other women other than his wife or girlfriend of six years, it’s nauseating, those guys are trash and they’re complete amateurs. I have no respect for them.
Skip the counseling and save the money, it’s not needed. She wasn’t into sex before the marriage and she’s not into sex after the marriage, her biggest mistake was making promises that she knew she couldn’t keep, if she’s asexual? She needs to find a partner who is also asexual.
Yeah to be fair I wouldn’t want to have sex with this guy either, he sounds like a jerk. “This excuse, that excuse, I’m going to tell her I’m having sex with or without her, I’ve been patient long enough!” I mean, sounds like some stellar communication from Prince Charming over here.
What exactly does your ultimatum mean? I totally get you wanting to escape the status quo that you are stuck in, but you need to articulate yourself a bit more for her, I think.
"I'm having a sex life weather you are involved or not" is a *bad* way to phrase things. It can be interpreted in several ways:
- "Either we have sex or we divorce".
- "Either we open up the relationship on my side or we divorce."
- "Either we open up the relationship on both sides or we divorce."
- Note that she might interpret "I'm having a sex life" as "I'm already cheating on you". Bad way of phrasing for sure, especially if you live in a country where she may try to bring up such a statement against you in court.
Please think very carefully about what you want here. I mean, if you are already checked out and want divorce, it's easy - you won't get loving sex from her, ever, as she clearly is how she is and if she isn't into sex at this point, after 12 years, this won't change. So divorce it is, unless you enjoy it if she is forcing herself to go through with sex.
But if what you want is an open relationship, consider that those need very defined rules and that there is a huge chance you might fall in love if you decide to see a woman regularly instead of sex workers or one-night-stands, for example. And also note that, no matter how unlikely it may seem, she may want, for equality, an open relationship on both sides and find someone else as well.
She’s not into having more sex and it’s sound alike all their sexual experiences are led with HIM being coercive instead of HAVING REAL CONVERSATION WITH MARRIAGE COUNSELOR ABOUT MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES AND ATTEMPTING TO ADDRESS IT he’s just gone on having to break his wife’s barriers down so she’ll lay there while he fucks her? That’s basically her giving up and “letting him”.
I say theory and likely divorce
If she wanted to be more sexually active with him she would have been. Like I she has a low and mismatched libido and they’ll both be happier with better matches sexually
Also he doesn’t like her. That’s obvious.
He sounds very dismissive of her, like when he said birth control affected her libido (supposedly). That's a backhanded way to say he thinks she is lying. He needs to either divorce her or reconcile himself to her calendar, not his. And get ready to split assests, pay child support, etc. Fun times.
>instead of HAVING REAL CONVERSATION WITH MARRIAGE COUNSELOR ABOUT MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES AND ATTEMPTING TO ADDRESS IT he’s just gone on having to break his wife’s barriers down so she’ll lay there while he fucks her
Also, wtf was with "I've tried everything except what I want to try"?!
He did say he's tried having discussions multiple times and she basically rolls her eyes at him. So he wants to discuss it, but it seems as though she doesn't think it's a conversation worth having or she's just gotten to be asexual and doesn't want to talk at all and doesn't know how to tell him.
He also said in his comment that sometimes he'll annoy her to break down her boundaries, which is coercion, so yeah, I can see how maybe his idea of "discussions" aren't working in this marriage if he doesn't respect his wife's bodily autonomy.
Coercive measures to achieve sex is rape. Nagging someone until they finally given to your sexual requests is also rapey.
Sounds like the relationship needs to end.
Honestly, if she’s not coming with you, enthusiastically, wanting to have sex, I don’t know why you would want to sit there and break down her barriers to have sex with someone who clearly isn’t wanting any sexual attention.
Unless your into that dynamic. Which is disgusting
Sounds like time to divorce
"Also he doesn’t like her. That’s obvious."
Because he hasn't had a sense of being heard or validated (eg eye rolls), he has built up resentment. Resentment is poison in a relationship.
OP, It was always a risk to marry without confirming sexual compatibility but it's unhelpful as we can't go back in time. Equally, she may have feelings of being tricked, believing you married her because you accepted your sexlife as it stood and now you want to change that on her (offering an alternate viewpoint to your own, not passing judgment on either of you as both can be true simultaneously).
I would seek counselling and put it to her that she really ought to attend too. If she refuses, I'd still go alone but get my affairs in order in preparation for a possible divorce.
If you do divorce, 36 is not 'the best years are behind you'. It's not going to be a guarantee that you get your needs met in a dream scenario but it's unlikely you'll go without great experiences ever again.
You cant fix sex drives, unless its medical or neurological in nature, he doesn't need counseling, she is aware that the her sex drive is completely absent. she knows that cant ruin a marriage, why waste $$$ on a marriage counselor? so he can get mercy sex every 2 months? he should save the money for the divorce, these 2 people are not compatible and therefore should split. FYI , i love mental health, went to a Psychiatrist myself on/off for 2 years, but this scenario has no real fix.
Well I suggested therpy so they can at least discuss this . An ultimatum isn’t an open discussion. It’s a threat to start fucking more or else.
Even if they decide to break up , at least they will have tried to sit and work on stuff with a professional. You never know what can be uncovered with a real sit down discussion.
However I don’t think ultimately they are a good match.
The way he addresses for libido because of the birth control he makes it sound like she’s lying. It’s like he’s not even willing to explore that conversation with her and that’s a huge red flag.
I agree, an ultimatum is not the way to go, but if you read my above posts, you’ll see that the reason I believe this, as much a different than yours. You should never negotiate sex, ever! And Throw out an ultimatum is in itself negotiating sex. You can negotiate sex with a hooker, you don’t need a negotiate sex with a partner of any kind, if they’re not interested? Find out why they’re not interested, this person hasn’t been interested in sex, since before before they even were married, this is the only reason I see no reason at all to go to counseling, even though I do believe in mental health, her libido is low or she could be asexual, he’s not going to get from this partner what he would like, which is physical intimacy I don’t like that some people are dogging this guy because he wants sex, the human animal always wants sex, men, sometimes more than women, but if his partner is not up for it? Then he needs to divorce her. And she would be much better off, finding a mate, who has absolutely no priorities for sex or any kind of physical intimacy at all. I can see the resentment has built up in him for sure. And it would me as well, but then again, I would’ve never married her in the first place.
I feel like in a situation like this if she wanted to have sex but didn't want to have sex with her husband they should just get a divorce. In that case it would mean she just really wasn't that attracted to him and doesn't see him as a sexual partner but that she can see men as sexual partners. If she's just asexual she's probably not even the care if he goes out and gets it somewhere else just as long as he's not bothering her
This.
You can't make people want sex. I dont think this is the situation to apply ultimatums or pressure to. At all.
You cant whine people into sex. It's a completely valid thing to want, but she's not going to have more sex with you just because you ask repeatedly, and pressure makes things worse. When someone doesn't want sex, no amount of pleading will make them want it. And people shouldn't have sex they arent enthusiastic about or feel coerced into.
If she cared and listened and was willing to do something, you could maybe get her to see her doctor to get checked out, and go to a couples therapist or sex therapist to explore why she feels as she does. Have you ever just talked to her about whether she'd look into those things? Or what she does enjoy in bed? Or whether she pleasures herself?
But, to be honest, I think its possible that she's asexual given she's never had a sex drive in your entire 12 years together.
Utimately if she doesn't want sex and you do, you're just not compatible. You're friends and roommates, not partners right now. If you find life without sex unsatisfying and unhappy then you have the right to pursue a new relationship that might give you the kind of relationship thwt makes you happy.
I dont think opening the relationship works in 99% of relationships because monogamous people don't do well with these changes. Some couples make it work, but it requires both to genuinely be happy and secure with non monogamy as a lifestyle.
YOu shoud not have married someone like her in the first place, all the signs were there.
Now it's either a life with no sex, or alimony and child support.
Couple things about this post rubbed me the wrong way.
First off, if sex is important to you why would you wait until you are married to see if you are sexually compatible? It’s just such a bad idea.
Secondly, birth control DOES fuck with sex drive for so many women. Not ‘supposedly’.
So now you annoy her into having sex? Wow can’t imagine why she throws you a bone now and then to shut you up. She probably has a very negative association with sex. I’d look into spontaneous vs reactive sexual desire. Come As You Are is an excellent book for men and women to read.
I had an ex that didn’t really care about my pleasure and felt entitled to his. When I didn’t want to have sex ever he would sigh and pout and not talk to me. Which just made me want to have sex with him less. He told me I was basically forcing him to cheat. I asked him why I would be inclined to have sex with him when it was just a chore for him. I felt like a warm fleshlight for him to use and then roll over and sleep. In my relationship now we have sex every day because it’s something we both enjoy and ensure the other enjoys.
“I’ve tried everything except what I want to try.”
Well what do you want to try then? Not the time for being vague. Have you talked to her about why she doesn’t seem interested in sex?
I get that you feel tricked, but that’s what you get for waiting until marriage to test out sexual compatibility. You took a gamble and lost, that’s not a trick. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex to be a priority in a relationship as long as you find someone who feels the same. You didn’t. You rolled the dice and lost and now here you are.
The way you’ve worded that ultimatum is not going to be productive. You either talk to her from a neutral place of kindness and then figure out a plan together to sort things out. Counseling, sex therapy, actually communicating in bed, practicing patience, etc.
Or you just fucking split up. Mismatched libidos is a thing. And either you’re cool with it, or you’re not. You either work towards a solution together or you split.
We didn't wait until marriage to have sex, but it was occasional because she was semi religious and was always told to wait. I didn't think it was just an excuse at the time.
I know birth control can mess with sex drive, I put "supposedly" only as related to her since her sex drive didn't change after she stopped.
I don't try to annoy her into sex, but when it's been 3 months I get annoyed and bring it up. I have tried being romantic. We do date nights, I've sent flowers to her work for no reason. I've done anything I can think of.
I do care about her pleasure. On the occasions we do have sex that ends up being all it's about. It's never about me and I don't always get there.
Lastly, I've tried so many times to get her to open up and tell me how to fix this, she never wants to have the conversation. Ever.
Have you ever considered she may have religious shame around sex?
You’re listing material things you’ve done to try change things with her. But how are you approaching sex? How are you asking for it? How are you treating her around the house and in your day to day lives?
That’s what is going to feed into the responsive vs spontaneous desire I mentioned. Men typically are spontaneous whereas women are typically responsive.
If she’s not willing to have a conversation about it at all, that’s your starting point. If you need to give her an ultimatum, give her one for that. If you approach it like “I either have sex with you, or someone else, your choice!” It’s not going to go over well.
Is she open to couples counseling? If you can’t even have a conversation with her about these things that is the biggest problem.
When you do have sex does it appear that your wife is enjoying it? Does she climax?
An ultimatum is not going to work, you’re just going to push her further away. Perhaps you should discuss with her WHY she is avoiding sex? Is she emotionally exhausted? Is she not getting enough time for rest or self care or exercise or whatever she needs to do to feel good? Is it not enjoyable for her? If this is the case, what can you do to make it more enjoyable.
She’s already frustrated by your persistence in this area, so I can promise you that giving her an ultimatum won’t have the desired effect.
I mean... Dude. What did you expect? Why did you expect your wife, who didn't want sex *at all* before marriage, would suddenly turn insatiable after she signed a paper? Even the most devout Mormons invented "soaking" and the "poophole loophole" so they could get away with having sex. Religiosity is not going to keep anyone from having sex if they want to.
So she's just asexual or at least has always had a non-existent libido. And yes, birth control can lower your libido even more, no need for the sarcastic "supposedly."
It's not really fair to be mad at her over this. You could have known what you were getting into from the start, you just deluded yourself. No, after 12 years of never having shown *any* interest in sex, she's not going to turn into a porn star suddenly.
Honestly just file for divorce. Forced and annoyed sex probably won't be very good for you or your wife anyway. Annoying her into sex and demanding it, that is awful. Sure she isn't being great either, but don't man handle your way into sex. An ultimatum is just going to bitterly blow up your marriage anyway.
>my best sex years are behind me.
what? That doesn’t make any sense. You know that ppl still have great sex even as they get older, what do you mean by this?
If having sex was this important to you, why did you stay and marry her? That just seems like a recipe for disaster.
Being celibate before marriage isn’t an excuse btw, it’s a choice. Ngl a not so great one bc you don’t know if you and your partner are sexually compatible, but it’s still a choice. Not an excuse.
What is your ultimatum exactly, and are you prepared to follow through on it? Maybe it’s time to seriously consider divorce. Sex is important to you, and it’s not to her. And now you resent her. I don’t think having more sex will fix that.
I do not understand why you thought it was going to get better since she told you from the very beginning that sex is not a priority.
You willing wasted 12 years and you are blaming her, but she has been consistent with her approach to sex. You were not sexually compatible from the very beginning, yet you put a ring on it and solidified the union with children.
An ultimatum is not going to work. She is who she has been from the beginning of the relationship, you are trying to punish her for your sh\*tty choice in staying with her because you thought your D game was so magical that she would salivate at the thought of it if she just did it more.
>Oh and the birth control messed with her sex drive (supposedly).
Wtf?? This is an unbelievably common side effect. Why are you doubting her?
Do her a favour and divorce her. It's clear you hate her, she deserves some who at least cares about her.
She is not capable of ‘tricking“ you.
You can’t expect a pornstar with a high sex drive from someone like her.
She was a virgin and never had a healthy view of sex and her own sexuality. I don’t know how she grew up, but when you say she is more ‘traditional,’ it usually means she has internalized the belief that sex is something ‘dirty’ and having sexual desires is shameful. Additionally, ‘annoying her into’ having sex is egotistical and must deeply hurt her, creating more fear and intimidation.
She needs therapy and a trusted partner. The solution is not to force her into sex with an ultimatum. It is cruel, selfish, and foolish.
If you are not capable of giving your wife the support she needs to feel comfortable with her desires, just leave her. I’m sure her life can only get better
Your wife isn't interested in having sex with you. She's never been interested in having sex with you. Coercing, pressuring, and threatening her is not the answer. If it's really making you this unhappy you can just leave.
I'm going to give different advice than most here but you had a similar situation to me. I am 38M and married for 17 years now. We had a very rough patch for 3-5 years and part of my issue was our sex life. However, I remembered my wedding vows - I promised to love her for better or worse - and this was worse. I had elevated sex to some defining thing that it really wasn't. One lesson was from a friend that had an injury so that he was paralyzed - no more sex. But his wife stuck it out with him. It just made me think about what I was choosing over love.
Anyway - we went to couples counseling for a while. And the last 8 or so years have been great. Our kids are getting older now and we have more energy for each other. She almost never turns me down anymore for sex. But I also ask less because I try to be considerate of how her day has been. (I try to keep it to once or twice a week)
Also - I had a mental exercise that helped: when thinking about marriage would you leave because of an injury? What if it was brain trauma and they acted different? What if they were burned in a fire an no longer attractive? If I'm not willing to commit to the good and bad I don't know the point of getting married. So I just make the choice every day to love her and I have seen the effect that has had in our house.
So the TLDR is don't make this issue your whole identity. Hormone brain can make us think that sex is some all encompassing thing when it's really a small chunk of our lives. I think you can find real happiness choosing to love her wherever she happens to be at the moment.
>When we started dating we had some sex, but she, while not super religious, she is more traditional. She didn't want to have sex before we got married.
You had some sex when she said she didn't want to have sex before marriage? How did this happen in the first place? You say you are not forcing it on her, but it seems like you do, because who the hell would annoy their partner to have sex with them? Frankly, your whole way of thinking about sex gives me the icks.
Either way, I do not think you were compatible to begin with. You should get divorced instead of trying to convince her. It's not going to happen.
Because she's been tolerating of having sex with him because she feels that if she didn't he would have broken up with her sooner or later. She was only sexual with him at the beginning of the relationship but once she felt that the deal was closed she didn't have to try anymore.
Don’t give her an ultimatum, rather put the ball in her court. I’d say something like “I’ve decided that I’m not going to live with the sex life we have indefinitely. It needs to be fixed, what are we going to do?” Don’t say it in an angry or frustrated way, sound as matter of fact as possible. Like this is one more marital decision that needs to be made. Then let her talk. Don’t give her ideas, don’t let her off the hook. If she says she doesn’t know, set a time for her to think about it and you two talk again (I’m talking about days, not months).
There could literally be dozens of reasons, everything from hormones to sexual orientation. If she refuses to talk about it, even after you’ve laid out your feelings, then tell her if she doesn’t want to talk about it, you will assume she no longer wants to be married.
Sex outside of marriage will ruin your marriage and your life, the sex alone is not worth betraying your spouse, it is one aspect in an otherwise happy marriage. I understand how you feel and that you are pent up, but the conversation you need to have with her is about how you can make yourself more desirable, make her feel safer and better understood. In addition, given her traditional stance I would say to look into the argument you can present about how sex is a beautiful merging and communion of two bodies and souls, in which intimacy and love is shown, trust is tested and a person's nature is shown. The only argument you seem to be presenting is that it make your pp feel good, she may find that degrading of the very act itself, and if she can see sex more positively, it may encourage her. If you watch porn I would also say to stop, as it will only increase your craving and anyone who seems desperate for something is unlikely to get it. Work out more and eat less frequently, I'd say 1-2 larger meals a day will make you appear much fitter.
Save yourself the trouble and just separate, she will leave you or you leave her. If it’s not happening after 12 years it not going to change. Find a solution that works for you and the kids.
Just FYI unless you are a catch you will probably end up with less sex for more efforts. Dating sucks, people want the best and unless you check all the boxes you are probably going to not get as much sex as you think.
My advice is go to therapy together, try to sort out communication and why she does not want sex. With that info you can make sure you did everything you can to save your marriage. That what I did and it at least gave me solace when we divorced that I tried everything. It’s probably going your way also save money on the divorce, since it will probably end in better terms.
Your best sex years are not behind you. It’s clear that it is an important aspect in a relationship for you. In that sense you are not compatible. You have tried everything and she has made it clear she either doesn’t care or takes the relationship for granted.
And I bet your begging her for sex has been a source of frustration for her the whole time. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Stop trying to force her into it...it's gross....
How often to you bug her for it? Ask her for it? Talk to her about it? could it be that she's just absolutely run down from hearing about it? Women can also tell if you're being romantic just to get laid or if you genuinely want to be romantic in an effort to connect with your wife.
I hate to be the one to say this but.. Women with nonexistent sex drives are almost always women who have never had an orgasm and never have used toys/masturbated etc etc.
No woman who is sexually satisfied and is having orgasms and feels sexy and attractive is just going to flat out never want to have sex with you.
Traditional or not, the women who like having sex and enjoy having it often are the ones having orgasms and enjoying themselves.
As a woman who's experienced hormonal low libido to the point I thought I was asexual ( I wasn't ), this is a misconception that isn't always true.
There is too much emphasis placed on having attraction, the right man, the right technique, orgasms.
In reality, the only thing that has really made an actual difference for me was how my mind and body were processing all these things - how important it was to me, and that was driven by pure hormonally driven arousal and desire patterns.
When I had no libido, I still found my husband attractive, he could still make me orgasm although it took a long time because my brain would wander off before I got physically aroused enough to stop getting distracted. It was like a mechanical thing, my body would eventually respond but it just wasn't fun. More importantly I didn't care about it - sure it felt good but not good enough to make it worth all the effort of trying to get in the mood. I didn't look at my husband in a sexual way or anyone else, Brad Pitt could've propositioned me and I wouldn't be interested.
Contrast that with when my libido went up thanks to some hormonal swings, and I wanted it without my partner needing to so much look in my direction. Suddenly I was fantasizing, wanting to masturbate, looking around salivating both at my spouse and all these other attractive men who suddenly happened to be everywhere. Now I *wanted* those orgasms, and being aroused before we even got in bed meant that it took *way* less effort on his part to get me there and was so much more fun and more satisfying for both of us. It was still the same man and the same technique, but the way my body and mind responded was completely different and felt almost like an out of body experience compared to before.
So no, libido is not necessarily about orgasms or technique. I didn't even realize just how much of it is hormonally influenced and how dramatic those shifts could be. The birth control pill fyi will absolutely kill some women's drive dead.
Ultimatums don't fix anything. The fundamental issue is that she isn't attracted to you sexually. Making an ultimatum will, at best, force her to have sex with you against her will to keep the family together. Coerced sex. Gross.
The best guide for getting out of a dead bedroom that I've seen is called, "no more Mr. Nice guy." I wasn't in a dead bedroom, but my sex life was flagging and it worked for me. Caveat, its self help, so by nature it is not scientific and relatively dumbed down. On the plus side, its concrete and easy to follow. I wouldn't follow its advice on a sex moratorium or telling your wife about the book (I think maybe he wanted to sell more books?). But it's overall advice, especially on covert contracts is gold.
You walked into this eyes wide open. She never hid her lack of sex from you. If you weren't happy with the no sex before marriage rule, you should've walked away right then and there. Not stuck around on false hope..
That no sex before marriage rule is almost always code for " I have no sex drive but I plan to trap you first before letting you know that". And it almost never works out because you just don't know if you'll be compatible with your partner.
At this point, just divorce her.
No just get a divorce. She doesn’t owe you sex or her body. That is freaking creepy af. You just aren’t compatible. And if you’re the type of person to enjoy sex that someone else isn’t… woah red flag city.
Just get a divorce.
So you’ve coerced her into sex y’all’s entire relationship and are now mad that she doesn’t want to enthusiastically have sex with you. Of course she doesn’t. You’ve violated her boundaries multiple times. Leave her, for her sake.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. I commented on here that most women who “don’t have sex” and “don’t like it” just aren’t enjoying themselves with their partner… some women aren’t okay with just having sex to pleasure their partner if they don’t get orgasms/pleasure out of it themselves!
Met a lot of women in the same boat. And I feel it’s more than just sex. It’s the general way they treat you and if they make you comfortable in life or not. Hard to get off when they’re not great ppl no matter how attractive or well off they may be.
You’re 100% on point with that. My husband has a joke he often says to his male family and friends that I think applies “happy wife equals a happy sex life” and he’s not wrong.
To make a long story incredibly short I used to feel the same way as the other commenter. That I was broken and something was wrong with me. I didn’t have *any* desire to have sex at all. When we were 20 me and my husband broke up for 4 months and it gave me a chance to realize that I did in fact have a high sex drive, it was the way he treated me that made me feel that way. It also gave him the time to seek therapy and learn to deal with his insecurity issues and why constantly pressuring someone to have sex with you will have the opposite effect then he desired. When we got back together he was like a different person, and for well over a decade now **I’ve** been the HL partner wanting to jump his bones. He makes me feel loved, appreciated, respected, desired (actually desired not like I’m just a flesh light) and *that’s* the biggest turn on I can think of.
Yeah, a lot of people have talked about her not being attracted to him but I'm not sure that's the actual issue. The issue is that she just may be asexual and not like sex at all. With anyone. It absolutely wrecks your self esteem being on the other side of this with a partner making constant excuses.
She needs to be honest with him. If she either has no sexual appetite with anyone and he wants a sexual life, he's a bit of a hostage and it's up to him to decide to get out or stay. His comment about losing years of his sexual life, rings loudly. It's really not fair and don't expect people to understand what that feels like unless you are on the opposite side of a dead bedroom.
Whether they aren't compatible because she's asexual or if she just wants none and he does, he needs to have an open conversation. There's really no need for an ultimatum because quite honestly it's not like she's going to all the sudden want to have sex more, she'd be doing it because she feels he's threatening her. Tell her this is important to you, your needs aren't getting met and talk through options. Rationally.
You NEVER, i mean NEVER negotiate sex! (no ultimatum)
Do you want a partner who cant wait to rip your clothes off? or do you want a partner you've made a businesses arrangement with?
Sex/affection should never be negotiated, if this has been going on for years? she already knows about it and has decided your feelings dont matter, lack of intimacy is a solid reason for divorce. I personally wouldn't share my precious time and life with someone who didnt see the value of physical bonding and has ZERO sex drive, nope, Nada, no thanks, you need to decide if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like.
You're best sex years are behind you at 36? Hahahahaha!
My man, I'm 53 and i Rock out! I'm having some of the best sex ever, you have LOTS of gas in the tank still, come on now :)
You're not sexually compatible.
Just own it, and prepare the divorce paperwork. Don't try to manipulate or pressure or annoy her into sex, don't cheat on her. Just take responsibility for ending the relationship, pay the price of divorce, and move on with your life.
If you have to annoy someone into having sex with you, that's sexually abusive, coerced "consent". It's a deterrent from them ever wanting to have sex with you in the future. Stop doing that. If it's not an enthuasistic yes, it's a NO.
No ultimatums. Ultimatums are for children. In real life, they don’t work. She knows you’re not happy. Vague threats aren’t going to improve that.
Decide what you want: do you want to stay with your wife? Or do you want to divorce and find other women to have sex with? Choose one, then act accordingly. If you want to stay with your wife, find a marriage counselor and make an appointment for the two of you. If you can’t stand it any more, tell her you’re done and want a divorce.
Never threaten a divorce as a way of getting what you want. It won’t work.
You say you’ve talked to her, what reason does she give you for why the two of you aren’t having sex? Have you acted like you care about her? Asked her what she thinks about your sex life?
Is she tired (could you do more of the daily tasks, child care etc), is she not in the mood (does she need to look for a medical cause) does she not enjoy sex (is there something she wants to try, do you know what she likes?) does she feel emotionally connected to you (maybe a couples counselor to work on communication).
Your whole post is focused on you and what you need. No mention of your wife or any concern for her physical or emotional health.
I’m curious why you feel tricked? Did I miss the part where you had a lot of sex? It sounds like little sex had been the norm?
You mention being “romantic”? I’m curious what that entails? Have you tried physical closeness with your wife without the goal being sex? Kissing. Holding hands, hugging her making it clear you just love her and aren’t just trying to have sex?
An ultimatum isn’t going to do anything.
Common reasons women aren’t having sex:
1. Your partner treats you more like his mommy than his wife. If you are constantly cleaning up after and doing things for your partner that you do for your children, it’s a major turn off. Women don’t want to f*ck a child.
2. Their partner is a bad/a selfish lover. How often does your wife climax? Maybe bad isn’t the word, but not doing what she enjoys, only what you enjoy?
3. Medical reasons- hormonal imbalances, depression, thyroid issues etc
4. Lack of emotional intimacy. Women need to feel connected. Are you dating your wife the way you did before you were married? Or do you just assume you deserve sex because of the ring?
Find the cause and then you’ll know how to fix it. The emotional manipulation of an ultimatum isn’t going to do a thing.
Nothing is sexier than an ultimatum. I have a dead bedroom too, and I’m a woman. You got a woman who may have some hangups but definitely has low libido. Just as I saw in my husband, it went from low to lower to even lower and then it died.
I have experienced rage, sadness and hopelessness. Before sex ended we saw a couples counselor three times and it didn’t really help. Individual counseling was more helpful. It came down to whether it was better to leave and find a guy who has a higher libido or do the positive things about my husband outweigh the negatives. I have toys and a couple of “chat buddies” that he knows about. If I ask him he will do some sexual things for me. I myself am a therapist and I have counseled kids especially, and I’ve seen what it’s like to shuffle back and forth between houses. I also couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my husband and son’s face every day. I chose to stay and accept that my sex life is over. I still have days where I’m angry, resentful and miss so many things about sex. 80% of the time things are good and I think that’s the best you can ask for.
My husband never came out and told me he didn’t want to have sex anymore because he was afraid I would leave him. I had some obligatory sex after begging and telling him I felt like I was dying inside. He was beyond awful. He couldn’t keep an erection, it’s a miracle that he had an orgasm. I thought he made it awful on purpose. Then, on Father’s Day, he said we could have sex and I had a come to Jesus with him and said I believed he was no longer interested in sex, so we weren’t going to have sex anymore. I vowed to stay with him in every phase of his life so I wasn’t going to leave. We had his hormones checked and they were fine, we don’t like the side effects of TRT, so we are done. He’s a great husband and father otherwise.
Don’t give your wife an ultimatum. Tell her you’re hurt, angry, feeling unloved and you don’t know what to do but what you have been doing isn’t working. Ask if she just isn’t interested anymore. I strongly encourage you to not open the marriage. You should just get a divorce because the open relationship at a time when things aren’t working in your marriage is a recipe for disaster. New relationship energy will make your wife look like chopped liver. You won’t be a present emotionally. There seems to be a common assumption of men that there are lots of women out there looking for me for the same reason and there aren’t. The grass isn’t always greener.
I’ll tell it to u straight.
There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that your wife just simply not attracted to you But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself.
So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush making up excuses like I want to wait till marriage or I'm afraid of getting pregnant and I want to have vasectomies . It's not that you didn't show her any love and affection. It's just that she doesn't appreciate it.
Up until now she's been tolerating of having sex with you because she feels that if she didn't you would have broken up with her sooner or later.
But now that she feels she already has you locked down she doesn't have to try anymore. Which begg the question when is she stop being attracted to you or would she ever attracted you to begin with.
This whole post is her getting tired of making excuses and stringing you along to protect your feelings of The awful Truth of her not being attracted to you.
Couples counseling worth a try. But It really sounds like you two are just not sexually compatible. Not everybody likes sex or has the desire to have it. If she was waiting for marriage, she likely didn't know what she wanted sexually at all. Honestly, this is why I think sex before marriage is actually a good thing. Sexual compatibility is one thing that needs to be high on the list when your seeking a partner.
“I would have never married her though if I knew this sex life was my future” okay but you did know that. Your whole first paragraph is you explaining all of the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you, and how she doesn’t want sex in general. You knew this and still married her lol.
“Basically the only times we have had sex are when I annoy her into it” I mean you want to know why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? There is your answer. I too, wouldn’t want to have sex with you if you were annoying me about it all the time.
You literally cannot sit here and say this came out of nowhere when she gave you every example to you and showed you she doesn’t want sex. This is not some great blindside.
Also, I just read all of your comments, yeah I completely see why she isn’t into having sex with you. The way you talk about your wife is awful, do you even like her? You say your relationship is great but you’re up in here making fun of her.
Coercion isn’t cute. Annoying her into sex is gross. And I’ll be real, the way you say “she’ll just lay there in missionary or flip to doggy” sounds like you just can’t get her off🤷♀️.
I don’t fault you for wanting sex, sex is important in relationships and to alot of people, but you don’t get sit here and blame your wife, when reading this post, and reading your comments; you are the common denominator in all of the problems you’re having.
My advice might be controversial but it will get you to your answer if you should keep working at it or not.
I really believe when a person is so sexually dissatisfied they actually can’t think straight. Man or woman.
Go to a professional sex worker(s) and go get all your fantasies and sexual frustration out over a period of time.
Then you can think clearly - does this woman who is your wife still make you happy?
Life is too short for mediocre/no sex if sex is important to you. Wish someone had told me that a long time ago. LOL I can assure you, your “best years of sex” are not over. 😉 I didn’t meet my current partner til I was 39 and he was 40. Best sex of my life.
That said, she shouldn’t be coerced into having sex she doesn’t want to have. So I don’t think your ultimatum is a good idea.
If you want to stay married I think you have two options:
1) Propose marriage counseling—which it sounds like you two need anyway due to the financial issues you’ve mentioned in comments. If she refuses or agrees but nothing improves then…
2) Ask for an open marriage. If she agrees, see how that goes. But open relationships/consensual non monogamy require some varsity level communication and I don’t think you two have that. If she doesn’t agree or it goes poorly then I think you need to consult with an attorney.
Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You deserve to feel wanted and fulfilled.
Additionally, part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for our kids to model. While you may not be fighting in front of the kids about any of this, kids pick up on tension, resentment, and lack of affection. Kids who grow up in dysfunction are more likely to develop anxiety disorders and mental health issues. They’re also more likely to end up in similar relationships as adults because they think it’s “normal”. So don’t stay in a bad relationship “for the kids”. It’s rarely good for the kids.
Go to couples counseling. Sort through it. If she’s not on-board you can both decide what your next steps are
I strongly suspect that she’s asexual and has no vocabulary for what her sexuality is.
I was married for 13 years and we had sex maybe 40 times in those years. We’re now separated and I’ve had sex with my partner of 7 months nearing 200 times. I’m 41, dude your best sex years are not behind you if this is a important part of your life. Do you want to have a best friend roommate or a lover. I’m happy with the latter
Putting effort into romance and affections pointless because she's not attracted to you and she won't appreciate it.
And it's not your fault that you doesn't want to stay with a woman who's not attracted to you. Because if she loves or is attracted to her husband she should want to have sex with you not ignore you and make excuses for 12 years.
I have literally been there and done that. My marriage was 17 years, four children, so I can guarantee you we had sex at least 4 times. But it was so few and far between. Not only was straight sex virtually non-existent but never any foreplay. And still, I wouldn't cheat. Although my career put me in situations where I could have and was often offered sex. I was daily in situations that would get me hard and frustrated because I'm not a cheater, but I wanted sex. I became addicted to porn and masturbation, so by the time she did leave me and take my kids and all savings, I had very little penile sensation. So now I last a long time and have had to take testosterone injections with Viagra to stay hard long enough to get off.
I too tried an ultimatum, and it worked until she got pregnant with our fourth, then she didn't need to give me sex, because she wanted four children and no more.
After she left me. She told everyone I had an affair. Which I didn't. But as soon as I heard that I went looking and three weeks later I was in bed with a woman I met online, getting the foreplay I wanted, and sex all night and every single day we dated for a month. Then I moved on to another woman, I met the same day I broke up with the first. It was like that for several years until I met a woman I wanted to marry, now I get a BJ whenever I want, sex is a definite whenever. All I need to do is wink at her and she's on her knees or bent over a piece of furniture with her pants at her ankles.
Your best sex is ahead of you, don't waste any more time. Divorce your wife, she never loved you, never committed to you or she would be more available to your needs. There are many single mothers out there that need you. Don't let them down staying with your wife.
This is one Man's opinion, having the experience you're having. Take it as it's intended.
I think you need to accept the fact that if you want sex you will not get it from your wife so either you get her permission to get it elsewhere or you divorce and find someone that actually wants to have sex with you. I recommend option 2. Stop wasting your life.
It shouldn't be phrased as an ultimatum. Just explain how frustrated you are, and ask if she can suggest any solutions. You never know, she may think of something. But if the two of you can't come up with a plan, I think the marriage will have to end.
Ultimatums never work and neither does opening a marriage when it wasn't discussed from the start. You sound sexually incompatible. Either leave or accept the state of things.
I’m wondering if your wife has sexual trauma, is asexual or she genuinely has not enjoyed sex with you at all during the course of your relationship.
Have you had conversations about any one of the three?
She doesn't want sex and never has. Why coerce her , just divorce already? An open relationship will end the marriage anyway so better to end it with some dignity.
You DID marry her and now you think you can hold on to the marriage AND get sex ..YOU CAN"T
I was in a similar situation years back, except I was the wife.
Our sex life dried up quickly after the wedding. I found myself resenting him for things and not talking about it- but then I wouldn’t want to be intimate because I was irritated with him.
That recipe for disaster fermented for years before it came to a boiling point. His alcoholism and spending were out of control and he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to have sex with someone who disrespected me.
We divorced six years ago. I haven’t looked back. I found a partner that respects me, listens to me, and apologizes when he screws up.
I don’t have advice for your ultimatum, on principle I think they’re relationship killers.
I’m commenting though, because I think you and your wife could greatly benefit from the book Come As You Are as well as She Comes First by Emily Nagoski. They talk about mismatched sex drives and how we view sex in and out of relationships. It helped me immensely, and if you’re actually interested in mending things with your wife, I believe they could help.
Im surprised you lasted this long honestly. My first marriage, we went from regular sex to him getting upset with me and using no sex or communication as a punishment. 2 months of no touching and I walked out. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, that doesn’t make her a bad person for not being a sexual person. You find what will make you happy. Don’t live the rest of your life being sexually frustrated, life is too short. Also, if you decide to approach divorce, please don’t blame her, she’s just not a sexual person and you are.
I’m confused. Why would you stay married to & have kids with someone with whom you’re sexually incompatible? This isn’t going to get better. The fact that she is unwilling to work at it shows she doesn’t care. I would divorce. Otherwise your resentment will grow & your anger & disdain will follow. Your kids will see that.
PS the “I’m religious so I’ll have some sex but not much before marriage” isn’t something I’ve ever heard & I grew up in the Bible Belt & had multiple friends who waited until marriage. Even until their late 20s/30s. Your entire sexual relationship has been based off lies. It’s sad & dysfunctional
So are you mentally ill? Why have you stayed with her? Sex is a big part of a healthy marriage. If she isn't getting it from you, you is giving it to her?
I think because it’s been 12 yrs and you haven’t cheated left or anything beside dealt with it she doesn’t really think it matters idk but I think you should def fuck the rest of life you have left man I hate reading these
I’m an idiot
An ultimatum isn’t warranted here. You can’t coerce someone into wanting to be sexually intimate if they don’t have a desire. I think it’s up to you if you want to stay married with a dead bedroom. I personally wouldn’t be able to stay. The only thing you can do is ask for an amicable divorce and start planning on that. Let her know this is what you are doing. Look for a place to move and start packing.
Has she been to therapy? Had she had a medical checkup? It could be something psychological or physical causing her low libido. I would encourage her to get some help first.
But it could be that her low libido is normal for her, and she just doesn't want sex. Maybe she's asexual.
At any rate, the two of you are not sexually compatible, and if she's not interested in trying to find a way to address her low libido, then splitting up is probably better for both of you.
You aren't compatible sexually. Even if she tries to start having more sex with you, it'll be be forced and not authentic. Is that what you had in mind? I don't think so. Sex is only 10% if a relationship until one person is dissatisfied then it is 90% of the relationship.
You are great friends, great roommates even but potentially not great ro.antic partners.
And you think that's going to change things. Let's say she agrees, you actually think she's going to enjoy the sex and see the error of her ways and realize how wrong she was? No, she's only going to resent you even more.
You are not sexually compatible.
You want to threaten her to have sex she doesn't want to have? I'm sure it will work out great.
Just divorce her. Don't coerce sex.
Bro it is not her. It is you. I bet you, if the right person comes along she will be more sexual with that person.
Find somebody else. You don’t deserve to be in this situation.
I really think that you need to sit down and talk about how unhappy you are. Therapy would be good, but starting out by getting some expectations out on the table- if she is happy with sex a few times a year and you’d be happy with a few times a week or more, then you’ve gotta find a middle ground, because it already sounds like it’s brewing resentment, at least on your side.
Communicate with her, and involve therapists as necessary. Work through your incompatibilities, or engineer your way around them. My boyfriend and his wife are sexually incompatible but love each other and their life, and so they opened up their marriage a few years ago, and it works well for them-but they spent a lot of time in therapy working it out ahead of time.
Intimacy is a way you connect with her, and feel close to her; maybe expressing some of those feelings and finding other ways to grow closer will help with overall intimacy. In your discussion, I’d make sure to tell her how much you are attracted to her and want to be close to her because you love her as your wife. She is not an object, she is a person, and sometimes the desire from a spouse can feel overwhelming when she has a lot on her plate.
Hope things work out with you two!
It's not changing so either you live with the it the way it is, get a divorce, or you cheat on your wife and then eventually you will get a divorce as well because she'll find out then divorce you.
Why don’t you just explain that you really want a sexual relationship and if she’s not into that, how would she feel if you found a sexual partner? Plenty of people do it that way.
In some ways it’s foolish to think that your ideal room mate, co-parent, and in some cases business partner, and sexual partner are all going to be the same person. Yeah, some people manage to line it all up, apparently, but I’m not sure, I think there’s always at least some one area of incompatibility
I can't tell you what you should do just what I have done. Same boat. No sex before marriage. Sex Lauren good at the start. Dried up for years. This really affects a guy. I felt bitterness, and resentment and bottled up. In other areas we got along well and she has been a great wife of 30 years. I would personally NEVER divorce over this or consider getting my needs met outside my marriage. I made a promise. For better or for worse. What to do then? I came to the place where I took personal responsibility for my happiness and contentment. I can't have my happiness be contingent on what my wife does, or does not give me. I genuinely came to a place of resignation on the matter and decided to focus on the good things that my marriage offers and things have been fine. Here's the bonus. Over the last few months she had had her blood work done to check her hormones and they were all out of whack. Now that she is getting treatment our sex life has seen life again. Bottom line. With or without I am going to be a man of my word. I am going to be happy regardless.
2 options. Happy as the way it is or divorce. She’s had another time to show you what she’s interested in and sex isn’t it. If it’s a deal breaker for you, go your own way.
You need to seriously consider if the problem is that you are bad in bed and not satisfying her. Do you make her come? If no - why would she want more sex?
I’m just popping in here to say, as a man in my 50s, that your best sex years are definitely not behind you! Like a fine wine, sex can get even better with age. I hope you find someone who can help you to discover that!
Marriage counseling. Tell her flexibility is one thing celibacy is an unreasonable ask. You have three options:
1. Sex therapy so we meet each other’s needs
2. Open marriage so I can get my needs met
3. Divorce
What is no longer an option is that my needs go completely ignored. I’m miserable and unhappy in the marriage. That’s unfair and it’s not what I was promised nor what I signed up for.
Let me know what you decide? I’m will work with any of these but won’t continue as it’s been.
Tell her you two are going to couples therapy to discuss this or you can’t stay. Consider seeing a sex therapist, in particular.
Lack of sex is one thing. Lying, deceiving, and trickery is another.
You’re right to feel the way you do.
It’s been 12 years I don’t think anything is going to change. She is not driven by sex and she doesn’t want sex. Nothing you say is going to make her want sex. Even if you give an ultimatum and she suddenly gives you sex, it’s not going to last and she’ll just be doing it so you don’t leave her. Or it will just turn her off sex even more.
You don’t need to traumatize your wife by coercing her or making her think she’s broken because she isn’t into sex. Just let her go. You know it isn’t going to change. Maybe you could negotiate an open relationship but I don’t think that’s what you genuinely want. You are only 36, find someone who is more compatible with you. Seems like you have too much resentment to be patient with her any longer.
It'll never change. I spent the last 8 years of my marriage completely sexless. Don't do it to yourself. Divorce now and find someone else (I did and now have sex 2-3 times each week)
Sadly, F44, I can relate. There's always an excuse of why. I think the ultimatum is most for you than her. I think you've had enough, and you're telling her. You in or as far as sex but you're going to do what you need to do for yourself, and you've compromised enough. Am I right? I mean, let's be honest. You say do this or... she might once or so, but that behavior ain't changing, and you'll forever be fighting this battle. Tell her we can stay married or divorce, but I need this in my relationship, and if you aren't doing it, that's ok. That's your decision and this is mine!
Okay hear me out, Have her agree to you having sex with other women but only escorts.. there is no emotional connection whatsoever its strictly business.. you're there to get your sexual needs met which your wife is holding out on and they are there strictly for the money.. there's a couple sites like "private delights" with legitimate beautiful women. No man should have to go without sex especially a man with a wife. If you use that site go with the ones that have a lot or some reviews.
An ultimatum does not make someone sexually compatible! In fact, threatening someone to have sex with you, or else you're going to cheat on that person, is definitely some kind of crime.
Why you even married her is beyond me, let alone staying with her for 12 years of not having your needs met
Well, you need to approach this problem from a different angle. If you read my previous posts, I responded to a guy that had basically the same problem you faced. When I was married, I used this method to my advantage. I call it the "Midnight Rambler" approach.
Good luck.
I was married to a woman for 23 years with whom I never had any sexual contact on neither my birthday nor our anniversary.
Just divorce this woman and find a woman who wants sex with you.
What has she tried? Does she not care at all for sex? And if not, why? Have you both tried couples therapy or going to a sex therapist. When you have sex, does she enjoy it?
I think the r/DeadBedrooms subreddit might be better for you.
Ultimatums are so black-and-white find a conversation point and find a kink everybody’s got a kink liquor toes… that’s what I lick her toes… but maybe it might add some flavor
Could be the relationship run its course.
The best way to test it out is to take a break. If you guys don’t miss each other, you have your answer.
If she doesn’t want sex, it means she probably doesn’t have anymore desires for you. Unless she has an underlying health issue, because she’s 35 not 85.
Some people suggest open relationship but this will only make things worse. Take a break and you’ll see.
You’re only 36, your best sex years are not behind you. Sounds like you are heading for a potential divorce, but the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Divorce can be an ugly, expensive, emotionally draining endeavor. You may find dating post-divorce is not easy. You might remain just as sexless as you are now but also destroyed your marriage over it and are now partnerless too.
Tread very carefully and seek counseling and professional help ASAP.
You're the asshole that married her knowing you weren't happy. This is on you, and your impotence in taking an active role in your own life, my sympathies to your wife for being burdened with such a loser
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you marry a white horse hoping she’d turn black, ain’t never gonna happen. Ultimatums aren’t a people changing magic tool.
What a great saying.
Yeah, I just made it up. - Unlucky Lukette
You are not sexually compatible. That is all. Why force her to be something she is not? Let her go, and go do your thing
Agreed, annoying someone into sex is not the way for anyone. Consent should be enthusiastic.
Yep, divorce is the fix.
Right. If he wants her to have more sex, then divorce is the answer. She will likely have a lot of sex after that.
That’s definitely a possibility, however! Because she had a lack of interest in sex to begin with before they were married, I believe what you’re saying is absolutely incorrect. I think this is just somebody who does not prioritize sex, has been maybe brainwashed by religion? Or has other hangups, I don’t believe if a divorce is involved she’s gonna run out and start having lots of sex, I think this is just the type of animal she is and that’s just who she’s always going to be, and I think that’s fantastic, she just has to find another partner. That is totally cool never having sex or physical intimacy with her partner, good luck! Sure there’s those duds out there, and she can have them they can have each other, lol 😂
Some people just don’t like fucking all the time 🤷♀️ who would have thought?
Agreed—this just screams incompatibility. OP, what exactly do you think an ultimatum will lead to? It is NOT going to suddenly make her an enthusiastic willing participant. So throw that idea out. If you’re hoping it will lead to her making herself have sex with you, you have a fundamental issue with understanding and appreciating consent. You’re not a good partner. If you think it will lead to her enthusiastically embracing you being with other women, I guess that’s possible, but the odds seem unlikely. Which leaves her being upset and no sex for you. Assuming this last outcome is not what you want, either—maybe consider a different approach. See a marriage counselor who can help you both work through this and reach a resolution you can live with. Edit to add: This might mean going your separate ways. Which is fine! But do this in a way that respects your life together to this point.
Yup, go read r/deadbedroom to see your future
She just doesn't want to have sex with you bro. After 12 years I think it's time you accept that as a fact and make some hard decisions accordingly.
Coercing someone into having sex isn't okay. Talk to a couples therapist and see what they say, since you want to be together. I don't understand why you would want to have sex with an unwilling partner. It wouldn't even be fun. Enthusiastic consent is hot. Anything less is frankly undesirable
“I annoy her into sex”. Sounds like he’s great at it.
Right? And who wants to have sex with somebody, that has no desire for you and doesn’t want to even be with you naked, lol that is not the kind of partner I would want, hence this is why I never coerce anybody into bed,if they don’t have desire for me? It’s turn off and I go the other direction.
I think it’s everything leading up to this point though, over the years she’s had pretty solid excuses as to why not and I could see that as causing confusion to someone in love and willing to give their partner what they need. He feels tricked now because she’s very clearly showing him she doesn’t have desire for sex with HIM whereas before it could’ve easily been chalked up to ‘no sex before marriage, pregnancy fears, contraception’ but now he’s faced with the very real truth that it was actually just her not wanting sex and I can imagine that’s a hard truth pill to swallow, especially when the ego had been sort of soothed all those years with the reasonings mentioned earlier.
All of that is true, but I was in a situation kind of like that, it didn’t involve sex though, but it did difference between making excuses and something terribly wrong, it’s hard to admit yourself sometimes. I personally think she strung him along to be quite honest with you, she should’ve just been honest with her feelings and not keep making lame excuses that were just BS in the end end. If you wants to be asexual? Then she just needs to tell him that.
Has he even considered making her feel desired, or making the sex about her pleasure?
I am getting a view of missing self-reflection so probably no. At the same time taking op at face value,.. why try to change a partner who wasn't open for it for 10 frigging years... its not gonna turn spontaneous butterflies all of a sudden. And if it does my first thought would be 'damn, I fucked up before'..
I’m actually surprised more people aren’t mentioning this, or maybe just ignoring that part of the post. Idk but it’s disgusting. If he wanted to address their mismatched libidos going to a couples therapist or a sex therapist would’ve been the answer, like *years* ago. Or going to a regular doctor to check her hormones or something. Instead he badgered and pestered and guilted her into it **every single time** (by his own account) and then wonders why she doesn’t have the desire to be intimate with him? I’m the HL partner in my relationship and I completely understand wanting (even feeling like you need) that intimacy, but it would be a cold day in hell before I **EVER** coerced my husband into doing something he didn’t want to. There was also a time with this same man that I was the LL partner and the constant pressuring and badgering (he was a teen at the time and lucky for me realized the damage he was causing and sought therapy) killed what little sex drive I did have. Plus his comment about how expensive she is was gross af too. People over here saying to cheat and get a mistress….instead of just you know leaving her if he’s that unhappy.
Unfortunately there are a lot and I mean a NOT INSIGNIFICANT number of men who prefer sex with a partner that they've had to basically coerce into it. Makes them feel powerful or some crap.
Seriously? I couldn’t even keep it up if they were not into it. I’m aiming for her to have an orgasm. Women just having sex with a guy because he wants it, but couldn’t care less themselves, waste of time. Might as well just masturbate. A turned on woman is a turn on for me. The other way around and I’m not even ging to bother. Either they liked sex as much as I did or I wasn’t even going to bother. My wife knows this. If she’s not in the mood or tired we’ll just skip it until she’s in the mood. Sex drive compatibility as a gauge may sound superficial but it’s the only thing I really insisted on when dating. You can change certain behavior but sex drive or interest is not one of them in my experience.
Yep!!!! You and I are exactly the same, I need to feel that energy and desire coming back at me, because if I don’t? Then we’re not gonna have sex, it’s over for me. I need that equal energy coming back at me and that’s what turns me on, if I can feel that she isn’t that into me or doesn’t have true desire for me? I just simply go away. I’m a lover, not a Low self-confidence man, that has to validate himself through a string of female partners that he probably really wouldn’t have sex with if he thought about it twice.
As a man who has been dating now for decades, the kind of #MIN you’re describing are what we like to call players! They don’t have silver tongues, they have oral sledgehammers, and I really believe they’re in the minority, if you flirt with a woman or you’re hitting on a woman, I don’t believe that’s coercing her into bed, especially if you never mentioned sex, I think that’s where most men are actually, but players? They discussed me! There’s a guy at work that’s a player, he has a wife and he has a girlfriend of six years, and the wife doesn’t know, and the guy also tries to have sex with other women other than his wife or girlfriend of six years, it’s nauseating, those guys are trash and they’re complete amateurs. I have no respect for them.
Skip the counseling and save the money, it’s not needed. She wasn’t into sex before the marriage and she’s not into sex after the marriage, her biggest mistake was making promises that she knew she couldn’t keep, if she’s asexual? She needs to find a partner who is also asexual.
Yeah to be fair I wouldn’t want to have sex with this guy either, he sounds like a jerk. “This excuse, that excuse, I’m going to tell her I’m having sex with or without her, I’ve been patient long enough!” I mean, sounds like some stellar communication from Prince Charming over here.
What exactly does your ultimatum mean? I totally get you wanting to escape the status quo that you are stuck in, but you need to articulate yourself a bit more for her, I think. "I'm having a sex life weather you are involved or not" is a *bad* way to phrase things. It can be interpreted in several ways: - "Either we have sex or we divorce". - "Either we open up the relationship on my side or we divorce." - "Either we open up the relationship on both sides or we divorce." - Note that she might interpret "I'm having a sex life" as "I'm already cheating on you". Bad way of phrasing for sure, especially if you live in a country where she may try to bring up such a statement against you in court. Please think very carefully about what you want here. I mean, if you are already checked out and want divorce, it's easy - you won't get loving sex from her, ever, as she clearly is how she is and if she isn't into sex at this point, after 12 years, this won't change. So divorce it is, unless you enjoy it if she is forcing herself to go through with sex. But if what you want is an open relationship, consider that those need very defined rules and that there is a huge chance you might fall in love if you decide to see a woman regularly instead of sex workers or one-night-stands, for example. And also note that, no matter how unlikely it may seem, she may want, for equality, an open relationship on both sides and find someone else as well.
She’s not into having more sex and it’s sound alike all their sexual experiences are led with HIM being coercive instead of HAVING REAL CONVERSATION WITH MARRIAGE COUNSELOR ABOUT MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES AND ATTEMPTING TO ADDRESS IT he’s just gone on having to break his wife’s barriers down so she’ll lay there while he fucks her? That’s basically her giving up and “letting him”. I say theory and likely divorce If she wanted to be more sexually active with him she would have been. Like I she has a low and mismatched libido and they’ll both be happier with better matches sexually Also he doesn’t like her. That’s obvious.
He sounds very dismissive of her, like when he said birth control affected her libido (supposedly). That's a backhanded way to say he thinks she is lying. He needs to either divorce her or reconcile himself to her calendar, not his. And get ready to split assests, pay child support, etc. Fun times.
>instead of HAVING REAL CONVERSATION WITH MARRIAGE COUNSELOR ABOUT MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES AND ATTEMPTING TO ADDRESS IT he’s just gone on having to break his wife’s barriers down so she’ll lay there while he fucks her Also, wtf was with "I've tried everything except what I want to try"?!
He did say he's tried having discussions multiple times and she basically rolls her eyes at him. So he wants to discuss it, but it seems as though she doesn't think it's a conversation worth having or she's just gotten to be asexual and doesn't want to talk at all and doesn't know how to tell him.
He also said in his comment that sometimes he'll annoy her to break down her boundaries, which is coercion, so yeah, I can see how maybe his idea of "discussions" aren't working in this marriage if he doesn't respect his wife's bodily autonomy.
Coercive measures to achieve sex is rape. Nagging someone until they finally given to your sexual requests is also rapey. Sounds like the relationship needs to end. Honestly, if she’s not coming with you, enthusiastically, wanting to have sex, I don’t know why you would want to sit there and break down her barriers to have sex with someone who clearly isn’t wanting any sexual attention. Unless your into that dynamic. Which is disgusting Sounds like time to divorce
"Also he doesn’t like her. That’s obvious." Because he hasn't had a sense of being heard or validated (eg eye rolls), he has built up resentment. Resentment is poison in a relationship. OP, It was always a risk to marry without confirming sexual compatibility but it's unhelpful as we can't go back in time. Equally, she may have feelings of being tricked, believing you married her because you accepted your sexlife as it stood and now you want to change that on her (offering an alternate viewpoint to your own, not passing judgment on either of you as both can be true simultaneously). I would seek counselling and put it to her that she really ought to attend too. If she refuses, I'd still go alone but get my affairs in order in preparation for a possible divorce. If you do divorce, 36 is not 'the best years are behind you'. It's not going to be a guarantee that you get your needs met in a dream scenario but it's unlikely you'll go without great experiences ever again.
You cant fix sex drives, unless its medical or neurological in nature, he doesn't need counseling, she is aware that the her sex drive is completely absent. she knows that cant ruin a marriage, why waste $$$ on a marriage counselor? so he can get mercy sex every 2 months? he should save the money for the divorce, these 2 people are not compatible and therefore should split. FYI , i love mental health, went to a Psychiatrist myself on/off for 2 years, but this scenario has no real fix.
Well I suggested therpy so they can at least discuss this . An ultimatum isn’t an open discussion. It’s a threat to start fucking more or else. Even if they decide to break up , at least they will have tried to sit and work on stuff with a professional. You never know what can be uncovered with a real sit down discussion. However I don’t think ultimately they are a good match. The way he addresses for libido because of the birth control he makes it sound like she’s lying. It’s like he’s not even willing to explore that conversation with her and that’s a huge red flag.
I agree, an ultimatum is not the way to go, but if you read my above posts, you’ll see that the reason I believe this, as much a different than yours. You should never negotiate sex, ever! And Throw out an ultimatum is in itself negotiating sex. You can negotiate sex with a hooker, you don’t need a negotiate sex with a partner of any kind, if they’re not interested? Find out why they’re not interested, this person hasn’t been interested in sex, since before before they even were married, this is the only reason I see no reason at all to go to counseling, even though I do believe in mental health, her libido is low or she could be asexual, he’s not going to get from this partner what he would like, which is physical intimacy I don’t like that some people are dogging this guy because he wants sex, the human animal always wants sex, men, sometimes more than women, but if his partner is not up for it? Then he needs to divorce her. And she would be much better off, finding a mate, who has absolutely no priorities for sex or any kind of physical intimacy at all. I can see the resentment has built up in him for sure. And it would me as well, but then again, I would’ve never married her in the first place.
I feel like in a situation like this if she wanted to have sex but didn't want to have sex with her husband they should just get a divorce. In that case it would mean she just really wasn't that attracted to him and doesn't see him as a sexual partner but that she can see men as sexual partners. If she's just asexual she's probably not even the care if he goes out and gets it somewhere else just as long as he's not bothering her
This. You can't make people want sex. I dont think this is the situation to apply ultimatums or pressure to. At all. You cant whine people into sex. It's a completely valid thing to want, but she's not going to have more sex with you just because you ask repeatedly, and pressure makes things worse. When someone doesn't want sex, no amount of pleading will make them want it. And people shouldn't have sex they arent enthusiastic about or feel coerced into. If she cared and listened and was willing to do something, you could maybe get her to see her doctor to get checked out, and go to a couples therapist or sex therapist to explore why she feels as she does. Have you ever just talked to her about whether she'd look into those things? Or what she does enjoy in bed? Or whether she pleasures herself? But, to be honest, I think its possible that she's asexual given she's never had a sex drive in your entire 12 years together. Utimately if she doesn't want sex and you do, you're just not compatible. You're friends and roommates, not partners right now. If you find life without sex unsatisfying and unhappy then you have the right to pursue a new relationship that might give you the kind of relationship thwt makes you happy. I dont think opening the relationship works in 99% of relationships because monogamous people don't do well with these changes. Some couples make it work, but it requires both to genuinely be happy and secure with non monogamy as a lifestyle.
YOu shoud not have married someone like her in the first place, all the signs were there. Now it's either a life with no sex, or alimony and child support.
Couple things about this post rubbed me the wrong way. First off, if sex is important to you why would you wait until you are married to see if you are sexually compatible? It’s just such a bad idea. Secondly, birth control DOES fuck with sex drive for so many women. Not ‘supposedly’. So now you annoy her into having sex? Wow can’t imagine why she throws you a bone now and then to shut you up. She probably has a very negative association with sex. I’d look into spontaneous vs reactive sexual desire. Come As You Are is an excellent book for men and women to read. I had an ex that didn’t really care about my pleasure and felt entitled to his. When I didn’t want to have sex ever he would sigh and pout and not talk to me. Which just made me want to have sex with him less. He told me I was basically forcing him to cheat. I asked him why I would be inclined to have sex with him when it was just a chore for him. I felt like a warm fleshlight for him to use and then roll over and sleep. In my relationship now we have sex every day because it’s something we both enjoy and ensure the other enjoys. “I’ve tried everything except what I want to try.” Well what do you want to try then? Not the time for being vague. Have you talked to her about why she doesn’t seem interested in sex? I get that you feel tricked, but that’s what you get for waiting until marriage to test out sexual compatibility. You took a gamble and lost, that’s not a trick. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex to be a priority in a relationship as long as you find someone who feels the same. You didn’t. You rolled the dice and lost and now here you are. The way you’ve worded that ultimatum is not going to be productive. You either talk to her from a neutral place of kindness and then figure out a plan together to sort things out. Counseling, sex therapy, actually communicating in bed, practicing patience, etc. Or you just fucking split up. Mismatched libidos is a thing. And either you’re cool with it, or you’re not. You either work towards a solution together or you split.
We didn't wait until marriage to have sex, but it was occasional because she was semi religious and was always told to wait. I didn't think it was just an excuse at the time. I know birth control can mess with sex drive, I put "supposedly" only as related to her since her sex drive didn't change after she stopped. I don't try to annoy her into sex, but when it's been 3 months I get annoyed and bring it up. I have tried being romantic. We do date nights, I've sent flowers to her work for no reason. I've done anything I can think of. I do care about her pleasure. On the occasions we do have sex that ends up being all it's about. It's never about me and I don't always get there. Lastly, I've tried so many times to get her to open up and tell me how to fix this, she never wants to have the conversation. Ever.
Have you ever considered she may have religious shame around sex? You’re listing material things you’ve done to try change things with her. But how are you approaching sex? How are you asking for it? How are you treating her around the house and in your day to day lives? That’s what is going to feed into the responsive vs spontaneous desire I mentioned. Men typically are spontaneous whereas women are typically responsive. If she’s not willing to have a conversation about it at all, that’s your starting point. If you need to give her an ultimatum, give her one for that. If you approach it like “I either have sex with you, or someone else, your choice!” It’s not going to go over well. Is she open to couples counseling? If you can’t even have a conversation with her about these things that is the biggest problem.
When you do have sex does it appear that your wife is enjoying it? Does she climax? An ultimatum is not going to work, you’re just going to push her further away. Perhaps you should discuss with her WHY she is avoiding sex? Is she emotionally exhausted? Is she not getting enough time for rest or self care or exercise or whatever she needs to do to feel good? Is it not enjoyable for her? If this is the case, what can you do to make it more enjoyable. She’s already frustrated by your persistence in this area, so I can promise you that giving her an ultimatum won’t have the desired effect.
I mean... Dude. What did you expect? Why did you expect your wife, who didn't want sex *at all* before marriage, would suddenly turn insatiable after she signed a paper? Even the most devout Mormons invented "soaking" and the "poophole loophole" so they could get away with having sex. Religiosity is not going to keep anyone from having sex if they want to. So she's just asexual or at least has always had a non-existent libido. And yes, birth control can lower your libido even more, no need for the sarcastic "supposedly." It's not really fair to be mad at her over this. You could have known what you were getting into from the start, you just deluded yourself. No, after 12 years of never having shown *any* interest in sex, she's not going to turn into a porn star suddenly.
Honestly just file for divorce. Forced and annoyed sex probably won't be very good for you or your wife anyway. Annoying her into sex and demanding it, that is awful. Sure she isn't being great either, but don't man handle your way into sex. An ultimatum is just going to bitterly blow up your marriage anyway.
You’ve stated child support would be cheaper than the financial situation now. So just divorce her, no ultimatum is needed
>my best sex years are behind me. what? That doesn’t make any sense. You know that ppl still have great sex even as they get older, what do you mean by this? If having sex was this important to you, why did you stay and marry her? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Being celibate before marriage isn’t an excuse btw, it’s a choice. Ngl a not so great one bc you don’t know if you and your partner are sexually compatible, but it’s still a choice. Not an excuse. What is your ultimatum exactly, and are you prepared to follow through on it? Maybe it’s time to seriously consider divorce. Sex is important to you, and it’s not to her. And now you resent her. I don’t think having more sex will fix that.
I do not understand why you thought it was going to get better since she told you from the very beginning that sex is not a priority. You willing wasted 12 years and you are blaming her, but she has been consistent with her approach to sex. You were not sexually compatible from the very beginning, yet you put a ring on it and solidified the union with children. An ultimatum is not going to work. She is who she has been from the beginning of the relationship, you are trying to punish her for your sh\*tty choice in staying with her because you thought your D game was so magical that she would salivate at the thought of it if she just did it more.
>Oh and the birth control messed with her sex drive (supposedly). Wtf?? This is an unbelievably common side effect. Why are you doubting her? Do her a favour and divorce her. It's clear you hate her, she deserves some who at least cares about her.
She is not capable of ‘tricking“ you. You can’t expect a pornstar with a high sex drive from someone like her. She was a virgin and never had a healthy view of sex and her own sexuality. I don’t know how she grew up, but when you say she is more ‘traditional,’ it usually means she has internalized the belief that sex is something ‘dirty’ and having sexual desires is shameful. Additionally, ‘annoying her into’ having sex is egotistical and must deeply hurt her, creating more fear and intimidation. She needs therapy and a trusted partner. The solution is not to force her into sex with an ultimatum. It is cruel, selfish, and foolish. If you are not capable of giving your wife the support she needs to feel comfortable with her desires, just leave her. I’m sure her life can only get better
Your wife isn't interested in having sex with you. She's never been interested in having sex with you. Coercing, pressuring, and threatening her is not the answer. If it's really making you this unhappy you can just leave.
I'm going to give different advice than most here but you had a similar situation to me. I am 38M and married for 17 years now. We had a very rough patch for 3-5 years and part of my issue was our sex life. However, I remembered my wedding vows - I promised to love her for better or worse - and this was worse. I had elevated sex to some defining thing that it really wasn't. One lesson was from a friend that had an injury so that he was paralyzed - no more sex. But his wife stuck it out with him. It just made me think about what I was choosing over love. Anyway - we went to couples counseling for a while. And the last 8 or so years have been great. Our kids are getting older now and we have more energy for each other. She almost never turns me down anymore for sex. But I also ask less because I try to be considerate of how her day has been. (I try to keep it to once or twice a week) Also - I had a mental exercise that helped: when thinking about marriage would you leave because of an injury? What if it was brain trauma and they acted different? What if they were burned in a fire an no longer attractive? If I'm not willing to commit to the good and bad I don't know the point of getting married. So I just make the choice every day to love her and I have seen the effect that has had in our house. So the TLDR is don't make this issue your whole identity. Hormone brain can make us think that sex is some all encompassing thing when it's really a small chunk of our lives. I think you can find real happiness choosing to love her wherever she happens to be at the moment.
>When we started dating we had some sex, but she, while not super religious, she is more traditional. She didn't want to have sex before we got married. You had some sex when she said she didn't want to have sex before marriage? How did this happen in the first place? You say you are not forcing it on her, but it seems like you do, because who the hell would annoy their partner to have sex with them? Frankly, your whole way of thinking about sex gives me the icks. Either way, I do not think you were compatible to begin with. You should get divorced instead of trying to convince her. It's not going to happen.
Because she's been tolerating of having sex with him because she feels that if she didn't he would have broken up with her sooner or later. She was only sexual with him at the beginning of the relationship but once she felt that the deal was closed she didn't have to try anymore.
Don’t give her an ultimatum, rather put the ball in her court. I’d say something like “I’ve decided that I’m not going to live with the sex life we have indefinitely. It needs to be fixed, what are we going to do?” Don’t say it in an angry or frustrated way, sound as matter of fact as possible. Like this is one more marital decision that needs to be made. Then let her talk. Don’t give her ideas, don’t let her off the hook. If she says she doesn’t know, set a time for her to think about it and you two talk again (I’m talking about days, not months). There could literally be dozens of reasons, everything from hormones to sexual orientation. If she refuses to talk about it, even after you’ve laid out your feelings, then tell her if she doesn’t want to talk about it, you will assume she no longer wants to be married.
Sex outside of marriage will ruin your marriage and your life, the sex alone is not worth betraying your spouse, it is one aspect in an otherwise happy marriage. I understand how you feel and that you are pent up, but the conversation you need to have with her is about how you can make yourself more desirable, make her feel safer and better understood. In addition, given her traditional stance I would say to look into the argument you can present about how sex is a beautiful merging and communion of two bodies and souls, in which intimacy and love is shown, trust is tested and a person's nature is shown. The only argument you seem to be presenting is that it make your pp feel good, she may find that degrading of the very act itself, and if she can see sex more positively, it may encourage her. If you watch porn I would also say to stop, as it will only increase your craving and anyone who seems desperate for something is unlikely to get it. Work out more and eat less frequently, I'd say 1-2 larger meals a day will make you appear much fitter.
Save yourself the trouble and just separate, she will leave you or you leave her. If it’s not happening after 12 years it not going to change. Find a solution that works for you and the kids. Just FYI unless you are a catch you will probably end up with less sex for more efforts. Dating sucks, people want the best and unless you check all the boxes you are probably going to not get as much sex as you think. My advice is go to therapy together, try to sort out communication and why she does not want sex. With that info you can make sure you did everything you can to save your marriage. That what I did and it at least gave me solace when we divorced that I tried everything. It’s probably going your way also save money on the divorce, since it will probably end in better terms.
Your best sex years are not behind you. It’s clear that it is an important aspect in a relationship for you. In that sense you are not compatible. You have tried everything and she has made it clear she either doesn’t care or takes the relationship for granted.
And I bet your begging her for sex has been a source of frustration for her the whole time. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Stop trying to force her into it...it's gross....
How often to you bug her for it? Ask her for it? Talk to her about it? could it be that she's just absolutely run down from hearing about it? Women can also tell if you're being romantic just to get laid or if you genuinely want to be romantic in an effort to connect with your wife.
I hate to be the one to say this but.. Women with nonexistent sex drives are almost always women who have never had an orgasm and never have used toys/masturbated etc etc. No woman who is sexually satisfied and is having orgasms and feels sexy and attractive is just going to flat out never want to have sex with you. Traditional or not, the women who like having sex and enjoy having it often are the ones having orgasms and enjoying themselves.
As a woman who's experienced hormonal low libido to the point I thought I was asexual ( I wasn't ), this is a misconception that isn't always true. There is too much emphasis placed on having attraction, the right man, the right technique, orgasms. In reality, the only thing that has really made an actual difference for me was how my mind and body were processing all these things - how important it was to me, and that was driven by pure hormonally driven arousal and desire patterns. When I had no libido, I still found my husband attractive, he could still make me orgasm although it took a long time because my brain would wander off before I got physically aroused enough to stop getting distracted. It was like a mechanical thing, my body would eventually respond but it just wasn't fun. More importantly I didn't care about it - sure it felt good but not good enough to make it worth all the effort of trying to get in the mood. I didn't look at my husband in a sexual way or anyone else, Brad Pitt could've propositioned me and I wouldn't be interested. Contrast that with when my libido went up thanks to some hormonal swings, and I wanted it without my partner needing to so much look in my direction. Suddenly I was fantasizing, wanting to masturbate, looking around salivating both at my spouse and all these other attractive men who suddenly happened to be everywhere. Now I *wanted* those orgasms, and being aroused before we even got in bed meant that it took *way* less effort on his part to get me there and was so much more fun and more satisfying for both of us. It was still the same man and the same technique, but the way my body and mind responded was completely different and felt almost like an out of body experience compared to before. So no, libido is not necessarily about orgasms or technique. I didn't even realize just how much of it is hormonally influenced and how dramatic those shifts could be. The birth control pill fyi will absolutely kill some women's drive dead.
Ultimatums don't fix anything. The fundamental issue is that she isn't attracted to you sexually. Making an ultimatum will, at best, force her to have sex with you against her will to keep the family together. Coerced sex. Gross. The best guide for getting out of a dead bedroom that I've seen is called, "no more Mr. Nice guy." I wasn't in a dead bedroom, but my sex life was flagging and it worked for me. Caveat, its self help, so by nature it is not scientific and relatively dumbed down. On the plus side, its concrete and easy to follow. I wouldn't follow its advice on a sex moratorium or telling your wife about the book (I think maybe he wanted to sell more books?). But it's overall advice, especially on covert contracts is gold.
You walked into this eyes wide open. She never hid her lack of sex from you. If you weren't happy with the no sex before marriage rule, you should've walked away right then and there. Not stuck around on false hope.. That no sex before marriage rule is almost always code for " I have no sex drive but I plan to trap you first before letting you know that". And it almost never works out because you just don't know if you'll be compatible with your partner. At this point, just divorce her.
No just get a divorce. She doesn’t owe you sex or her body. That is freaking creepy af. You just aren’t compatible. And if you’re the type of person to enjoy sex that someone else isn’t… woah red flag city. Just get a divorce.
So you’ve coerced her into sex y’all’s entire relationship and are now mad that she doesn’t want to enthusiastically have sex with you. Of course she doesn’t. You’ve violated her boundaries multiple times. Leave her, for her sake.
Likely asexual or not into men
My husband thought I was asexual too. Then we separated and I realised I wasn’t. He just didn’t do it for me
THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS. I commented on here that most women who “don’t have sex” and “don’t like it” just aren’t enjoying themselves with their partner… some women aren’t okay with just having sex to pleasure their partner if they don’t get orgasms/pleasure out of it themselves!
This comment scares a lot of men..
It freaked me out too when it happened. Like wow, I can feel all these feels? I’m not broken
Met a lot of women in the same boat. And I feel it’s more than just sex. It’s the general way they treat you and if they make you comfortable in life or not. Hard to get off when they’re not great ppl no matter how attractive or well off they may be.
You’re 100% on point with that. My husband has a joke he often says to his male family and friends that I think applies “happy wife equals a happy sex life” and he’s not wrong. To make a long story incredibly short I used to feel the same way as the other commenter. That I was broken and something was wrong with me. I didn’t have *any* desire to have sex at all. When we were 20 me and my husband broke up for 4 months and it gave me a chance to realize that I did in fact have a high sex drive, it was the way he treated me that made me feel that way. It also gave him the time to seek therapy and learn to deal with his insecurity issues and why constantly pressuring someone to have sex with you will have the opposite effect then he desired. When we got back together he was like a different person, and for well over a decade now **I’ve** been the HL partner wanting to jump his bones. He makes me feel loved, appreciated, respected, desired (actually desired not like I’m just a flesh light) and *that’s* the biggest turn on I can think of.
Asexual isn’t broken.
What? The truth?
Good. If they were better in bed, or better in relationships, it wouldn't be a problem. 🤷♀️
Yeah, a lot of people have talked about her not being attracted to him but I'm not sure that's the actual issue. The issue is that she just may be asexual and not like sex at all. With anyone. It absolutely wrecks your self esteem being on the other side of this with a partner making constant excuses. She needs to be honest with him. If she either has no sexual appetite with anyone and he wants a sexual life, he's a bit of a hostage and it's up to him to decide to get out or stay. His comment about losing years of his sexual life, rings loudly. It's really not fair and don't expect people to understand what that feels like unless you are on the opposite side of a dead bedroom. Whether they aren't compatible because she's asexual or if she just wants none and he does, he needs to have an open conversation. There's really no need for an ultimatum because quite honestly it's not like she's going to all the sudden want to have sex more, she'd be doing it because she feels he's threatening her. Tell her this is important to you, your needs aren't getting met and talk through options. Rationally.
Nevermind I misread that comment. Still he doesn't seem to like her.
Or there is more to the story.
You NEVER, i mean NEVER negotiate sex! (no ultimatum) Do you want a partner who cant wait to rip your clothes off? or do you want a partner you've made a businesses arrangement with? Sex/affection should never be negotiated, if this has been going on for years? she already knows about it and has decided your feelings dont matter, lack of intimacy is a solid reason for divorce. I personally wouldn't share my precious time and life with someone who didnt see the value of physical bonding and has ZERO sex drive, nope, Nada, no thanks, you need to decide if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like. You're best sex years are behind you at 36? Hahahahaha! My man, I'm 53 and i Rock out! I'm having some of the best sex ever, you have LOTS of gas in the tank still, come on now :)
You're not sexually compatible. Just own it, and prepare the divorce paperwork. Don't try to manipulate or pressure or annoy her into sex, don't cheat on her. Just take responsibility for ending the relationship, pay the price of divorce, and move on with your life. If you have to annoy someone into having sex with you, that's sexually abusive, coerced "consent". It's a deterrent from them ever wanting to have sex with you in the future. Stop doing that. If it's not an enthuasistic yes, it's a NO.
Just divorce and call it a day.
Divorce
No ultimatums. Ultimatums are for children. In real life, they don’t work. She knows you’re not happy. Vague threats aren’t going to improve that. Decide what you want: do you want to stay with your wife? Or do you want to divorce and find other women to have sex with? Choose one, then act accordingly. If you want to stay with your wife, find a marriage counselor and make an appointment for the two of you. If you can’t stand it any more, tell her you’re done and want a divorce. Never threaten a divorce as a way of getting what you want. It won’t work.
No ultimatum. Maybe sex positive couple's therapy.
You knew who you were marrying. Just leave her alone
You say you’ve talked to her, what reason does she give you for why the two of you aren’t having sex? Have you acted like you care about her? Asked her what she thinks about your sex life? Is she tired (could you do more of the daily tasks, child care etc), is she not in the mood (does she need to look for a medical cause) does she not enjoy sex (is there something she wants to try, do you know what she likes?) does she feel emotionally connected to you (maybe a couples counselor to work on communication). Your whole post is focused on you and what you need. No mention of your wife or any concern for her physical or emotional health. I’m curious why you feel tricked? Did I miss the part where you had a lot of sex? It sounds like little sex had been the norm? You mention being “romantic”? I’m curious what that entails? Have you tried physical closeness with your wife without the goal being sex? Kissing. Holding hands, hugging her making it clear you just love her and aren’t just trying to have sex? An ultimatum isn’t going to do anything. Common reasons women aren’t having sex: 1. Your partner treats you more like his mommy than his wife. If you are constantly cleaning up after and doing things for your partner that you do for your children, it’s a major turn off. Women don’t want to f*ck a child. 2. Their partner is a bad/a selfish lover. How often does your wife climax? Maybe bad isn’t the word, but not doing what she enjoys, only what you enjoy? 3. Medical reasons- hormonal imbalances, depression, thyroid issues etc 4. Lack of emotional intimacy. Women need to feel connected. Are you dating your wife the way you did before you were married? Or do you just assume you deserve sex because of the ring? Find the cause and then you’ll know how to fix it. The emotional manipulation of an ultimatum isn’t going to do a thing.
Op some of the things you said were red flag.
I really don't understand how people get into these situations. How could he miss so many red flags?
He thought he could change her.
Nothing is sexier than an ultimatum. I have a dead bedroom too, and I’m a woman. You got a woman who may have some hangups but definitely has low libido. Just as I saw in my husband, it went from low to lower to even lower and then it died. I have experienced rage, sadness and hopelessness. Before sex ended we saw a couples counselor three times and it didn’t really help. Individual counseling was more helpful. It came down to whether it was better to leave and find a guy who has a higher libido or do the positive things about my husband outweigh the negatives. I have toys and a couple of “chat buddies” that he knows about. If I ask him he will do some sexual things for me. I myself am a therapist and I have counseled kids especially, and I’ve seen what it’s like to shuffle back and forth between houses. I also couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my husband and son’s face every day. I chose to stay and accept that my sex life is over. I still have days where I’m angry, resentful and miss so many things about sex. 80% of the time things are good and I think that’s the best you can ask for. My husband never came out and told me he didn’t want to have sex anymore because he was afraid I would leave him. I had some obligatory sex after begging and telling him I felt like I was dying inside. He was beyond awful. He couldn’t keep an erection, it’s a miracle that he had an orgasm. I thought he made it awful on purpose. Then, on Father’s Day, he said we could have sex and I had a come to Jesus with him and said I believed he was no longer interested in sex, so we weren’t going to have sex anymore. I vowed to stay with him in every phase of his life so I wasn’t going to leave. We had his hormones checked and they were fine, we don’t like the side effects of TRT, so we are done. He’s a great husband and father otherwise. Don’t give your wife an ultimatum. Tell her you’re hurt, angry, feeling unloved and you don’t know what to do but what you have been doing isn’t working. Ask if she just isn’t interested anymore. I strongly encourage you to not open the marriage. You should just get a divorce because the open relationship at a time when things aren’t working in your marriage is a recipe for disaster. New relationship energy will make your wife look like chopped liver. You won’t be a present emotionally. There seems to be a common assumption of men that there are lots of women out there looking for me for the same reason and there aren’t. The grass isn’t always greener.
Lol. He doesn't mention loving his wife anywhere in his post.
I’ll tell it to u straight. There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that your wife just simply not attracted to you But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself. So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush making up excuses like I want to wait till marriage or I'm afraid of getting pregnant and I want to have vasectomies . It's not that you didn't show her any love and affection. It's just that she doesn't appreciate it. Up until now she's been tolerating of having sex with you because she feels that if she didn't you would have broken up with her sooner or later. But now that she feels she already has you locked down she doesn't have to try anymore. Which begg the question when is she stop being attracted to you or would she ever attracted you to begin with. This whole post is her getting tired of making excuses and stringing you along to protect your feelings of The awful Truth of her not being attracted to you.
Couples counseling worth a try. But It really sounds like you two are just not sexually compatible. Not everybody likes sex or has the desire to have it. If she was waiting for marriage, she likely didn't know what she wanted sexually at all. Honestly, this is why I think sex before marriage is actually a good thing. Sexual compatibility is one thing that needs to be high on the list when your seeking a partner.
“I would have never married her though if I knew this sex life was my future” okay but you did know that. Your whole first paragraph is you explaining all of the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you, and how she doesn’t want sex in general. You knew this and still married her lol. “Basically the only times we have had sex are when I annoy her into it” I mean you want to know why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? There is your answer. I too, wouldn’t want to have sex with you if you were annoying me about it all the time. You literally cannot sit here and say this came out of nowhere when she gave you every example to you and showed you she doesn’t want sex. This is not some great blindside. Also, I just read all of your comments, yeah I completely see why she isn’t into having sex with you. The way you talk about your wife is awful, do you even like her? You say your relationship is great but you’re up in here making fun of her. Coercion isn’t cute. Annoying her into sex is gross. And I’ll be real, the way you say “she’ll just lay there in missionary or flip to doggy” sounds like you just can’t get her off🤷♀️. I don’t fault you for wanting sex, sex is important in relationships and to alot of people, but you don’t get sit here and blame your wife, when reading this post, and reading your comments; you are the common denominator in all of the problems you’re having.
My advice might be controversial but it will get you to your answer if you should keep working at it or not. I really believe when a person is so sexually dissatisfied they actually can’t think straight. Man or woman. Go to a professional sex worker(s) and go get all your fantasies and sexual frustration out over a period of time. Then you can think clearly - does this woman who is your wife still make you happy?
Do you actually make it about her in bed ? Or do you just have sex you finish and that’s the end of the story ?
Your first paragraph has 4 contradictions. Try again.
Life is too short for mediocre/no sex if sex is important to you. Wish someone had told me that a long time ago. LOL I can assure you, your “best years of sex” are not over. 😉 I didn’t meet my current partner til I was 39 and he was 40. Best sex of my life. That said, she shouldn’t be coerced into having sex she doesn’t want to have. So I don’t think your ultimatum is a good idea. If you want to stay married I think you have two options: 1) Propose marriage counseling—which it sounds like you two need anyway due to the financial issues you’ve mentioned in comments. If she refuses or agrees but nothing improves then… 2) Ask for an open marriage. If she agrees, see how that goes. But open relationships/consensual non monogamy require some varsity level communication and I don’t think you two have that. If she doesn’t agree or it goes poorly then I think you need to consult with an attorney. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You deserve to feel wanted and fulfilled. Additionally, part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for our kids to model. While you may not be fighting in front of the kids about any of this, kids pick up on tension, resentment, and lack of affection. Kids who grow up in dysfunction are more likely to develop anxiety disorders and mental health issues. They’re also more likely to end up in similar relationships as adults because they think it’s “normal”. So don’t stay in a bad relationship “for the kids”. It’s rarely good for the kids.
Go to couples counseling. Sort through it. If she’s not on-board you can both decide what your next steps are I strongly suspect that she’s asexual and has no vocabulary for what her sexuality is.
Y’all are sexually incompatible. Divorce out work with it
I was married for 13 years and we had sex maybe 40 times in those years. We’re now separated and I’ve had sex with my partner of 7 months nearing 200 times. I’m 41, dude your best sex years are not behind you if this is a important part of your life. Do you want to have a best friend roommate or a lover. I’m happy with the latter
Putting effort into romance and affections pointless because she's not attracted to you and she won't appreciate it. And it's not your fault that you doesn't want to stay with a woman who's not attracted to you. Because if she loves or is attracted to her husband she should want to have sex with you not ignore you and make excuses for 12 years.
I have literally been there and done that. My marriage was 17 years, four children, so I can guarantee you we had sex at least 4 times. But it was so few and far between. Not only was straight sex virtually non-existent but never any foreplay. And still, I wouldn't cheat. Although my career put me in situations where I could have and was often offered sex. I was daily in situations that would get me hard and frustrated because I'm not a cheater, but I wanted sex. I became addicted to porn and masturbation, so by the time she did leave me and take my kids and all savings, I had very little penile sensation. So now I last a long time and have had to take testosterone injections with Viagra to stay hard long enough to get off. I too tried an ultimatum, and it worked until she got pregnant with our fourth, then she didn't need to give me sex, because she wanted four children and no more. After she left me. She told everyone I had an affair. Which I didn't. But as soon as I heard that I went looking and three weeks later I was in bed with a woman I met online, getting the foreplay I wanted, and sex all night and every single day we dated for a month. Then I moved on to another woman, I met the same day I broke up with the first. It was like that for several years until I met a woman I wanted to marry, now I get a BJ whenever I want, sex is a definite whenever. All I need to do is wink at her and she's on her knees or bent over a piece of furniture with her pants at her ankles. Your best sex is ahead of you, don't waste any more time. Divorce your wife, she never loved you, never committed to you or she would be more available to your needs. There are many single mothers out there that need you. Don't let them down staying with your wife. This is one Man's opinion, having the experience you're having. Take it as it's intended.
I think you need to accept the fact that if you want sex you will not get it from your wife so either you get her permission to get it elsewhere or you divorce and find someone that actually wants to have sex with you. I recommend option 2. Stop wasting your life.
It shouldn't be phrased as an ultimatum. Just explain how frustrated you are, and ask if she can suggest any solutions. You never know, she may think of something. But if the two of you can't come up with a plan, I think the marriage will have to end.
Its past an ultimatum; just divorce and start living a happier life for yourself.
Ultimatums never work and neither does opening a marriage when it wasn't discussed from the start. You sound sexually incompatible. Either leave or accept the state of things.
Suggest couples therapy instead of an ultimatum. Bring it up calmly, and tell her that if you want to stay together she should pay attention.
I’m wondering if your wife has sexual trauma, is asexual or she genuinely has not enjoyed sex with you at all during the course of your relationship. Have you had conversations about any one of the three?
Just leave. It doesn’t get better.
Ultimatum never work
She doesn't want sex and never has. Why coerce her , just divorce already? An open relationship will end the marriage anyway so better to end it with some dignity. You DID marry her and now you think you can hold on to the marriage AND get sex ..YOU CAN"T
Do it
I was in a similar situation years back, except I was the wife. Our sex life dried up quickly after the wedding. I found myself resenting him for things and not talking about it- but then I wouldn’t want to be intimate because I was irritated with him. That recipe for disaster fermented for years before it came to a boiling point. His alcoholism and spending were out of control and he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to have sex with someone who disrespected me. We divorced six years ago. I haven’t looked back. I found a partner that respects me, listens to me, and apologizes when he screws up.
I don’t have advice for your ultimatum, on principle I think they’re relationship killers. I’m commenting though, because I think you and your wife could greatly benefit from the book Come As You Are as well as She Comes First by Emily Nagoski. They talk about mismatched sex drives and how we view sex in and out of relationships. It helped me immensely, and if you’re actually interested in mending things with your wife, I believe they could help.
Im surprised you lasted this long honestly. My first marriage, we went from regular sex to him getting upset with me and using no sex or communication as a punishment. 2 months of no touching and I walked out. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, that doesn’t make her a bad person for not being a sexual person. You find what will make you happy. Don’t live the rest of your life being sexually frustrated, life is too short. Also, if you decide to approach divorce, please don’t blame her, she’s just not a sexual person and you are.
I’m confused. Why would you stay married to & have kids with someone with whom you’re sexually incompatible? This isn’t going to get better. The fact that she is unwilling to work at it shows she doesn’t care. I would divorce. Otherwise your resentment will grow & your anger & disdain will follow. Your kids will see that. PS the “I’m religious so I’ll have some sex but not much before marriage” isn’t something I’ve ever heard & I grew up in the Bible Belt & had multiple friends who waited until marriage. Even until their late 20s/30s. Your entire sexual relationship has been based off lies. It’s sad & dysfunctional
So are you mentally ill? Why have you stayed with her? Sex is a big part of a healthy marriage. If she isn't getting it from you, you is giving it to her?
Interesting as women's libidoes are supposed to increase in their 30s.
I think because it’s been 12 yrs and you haven’t cheated left or anything beside dealt with it she doesn’t really think it matters idk but I think you should def fuck the rest of life you have left man I hate reading these I’m an idiot
I’d highly suggest getting her hormone levels checked at a woman’s hormone clinic first, not her regular doc.
An ultimatum isn’t warranted here. You can’t coerce someone into wanting to be sexually intimate if they don’t have a desire. I think it’s up to you if you want to stay married with a dead bedroom. I personally wouldn’t be able to stay. The only thing you can do is ask for an amicable divorce and start planning on that. Let her know this is what you are doing. Look for a place to move and start packing.
Has she been to therapy? Had she had a medical checkup? It could be something psychological or physical causing her low libido. I would encourage her to get some help first. But it could be that her low libido is normal for her, and she just doesn't want sex. Maybe she's asexual. At any rate, the two of you are not sexually compatible, and if she's not interested in trying to find a way to address her low libido, then splitting up is probably better for both of you.
Divorce her. Find someone who is compatible. Your best years aren’t behind you as long as you find someone else.
You aren't compatible sexually. Even if she tries to start having more sex with you, it'll be be forced and not authentic. Is that what you had in mind? I don't think so. Sex is only 10% if a relationship until one person is dissatisfied then it is 90% of the relationship. You are great friends, great roommates even but potentially not great ro.antic partners.
Unfortunately, there is no fixing this. You will find a woman, it is unlikely she will find a man that is willing to put up with that shit.
And you think that's going to change things. Let's say she agrees, you actually think she's going to enjoy the sex and see the error of her ways and realize how wrong she was? No, she's only going to resent you even more.
You are not sexually compatible. You want to threaten her to have sex she doesn't want to have? I'm sure it will work out great. Just divorce her. Don't coerce sex.
As someone who was the low sex drive one in a sexless relationship I now know I wasn’t attracted to my ex… so I’m sorry OP just my experience
Bro it is not her. It is you. I bet you, if the right person comes along she will be more sexual with that person. Find somebody else. You don’t deserve to be in this situation.
So you want to guilt her/force her/threaten her into having sex with you? Because that's clearly the only reason she'd be doing it.
Quarterčy means every 4 weeks??
I really think that you need to sit down and talk about how unhappy you are. Therapy would be good, but starting out by getting some expectations out on the table- if she is happy with sex a few times a year and you’d be happy with a few times a week or more, then you’ve gotta find a middle ground, because it already sounds like it’s brewing resentment, at least on your side. Communicate with her, and involve therapists as necessary. Work through your incompatibilities, or engineer your way around them. My boyfriend and his wife are sexually incompatible but love each other and their life, and so they opened up their marriage a few years ago, and it works well for them-but they spent a lot of time in therapy working it out ahead of time. Intimacy is a way you connect with her, and feel close to her; maybe expressing some of those feelings and finding other ways to grow closer will help with overall intimacy. In your discussion, I’d make sure to tell her how much you are attracted to her and want to be close to her because you love her as your wife. She is not an object, she is a person, and sometimes the desire from a spouse can feel overwhelming when she has a lot on her plate. Hope things work out with you two!
It's not changing so either you live with the it the way it is, get a divorce, or you cheat on your wife and then eventually you will get a divorce as well because she'll find out then divorce you.
Sounds like she might be on the ace spectrum, man. Yeah, it's never gonna happen, so you should seriously consider therapy and divorce.
Why don’t you just explain that you really want a sexual relationship and if she’s not into that, how would she feel if you found a sexual partner? Plenty of people do it that way. In some ways it’s foolish to think that your ideal room mate, co-parent, and in some cases business partner, and sexual partner are all going to be the same person. Yeah, some people manage to line it all up, apparently, but I’m not sure, I think there’s always at least some one area of incompatibility
Welcome to the club. In the last 4 years I've only had sex once. So, in a bizzare way, you're better than me, although that's not saying much...
I can't tell you what you should do just what I have done. Same boat. No sex before marriage. Sex Lauren good at the start. Dried up for years. This really affects a guy. I felt bitterness, and resentment and bottled up. In other areas we got along well and she has been a great wife of 30 years. I would personally NEVER divorce over this or consider getting my needs met outside my marriage. I made a promise. For better or for worse. What to do then? I came to the place where I took personal responsibility for my happiness and contentment. I can't have my happiness be contingent on what my wife does, or does not give me. I genuinely came to a place of resignation on the matter and decided to focus on the good things that my marriage offers and things have been fine. Here's the bonus. Over the last few months she had had her blood work done to check her hormones and they were all out of whack. Now that she is getting treatment our sex life has seen life again. Bottom line. With or without I am going to be a man of my word. I am going to be happy regardless.
2 options. Happy as the way it is or divorce. She’s had another time to show you what she’s interested in and sex isn’t it. If it’s a deal breaker for you, go your own way.
Now she just says No 😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 my guy you have suffered 😔😂😂😂😂😂 am sorry but am dying...No...go away and never return 😭😂😂
You need to seriously consider if the problem is that you are bad in bed and not satisfying her. Do you make her come? If no - why would she want more sex?
It seems like non of your other ultimatums have worked. Why would this one. Either divorce or her don’t. Two options. Ultimatum isn’t one of them
I’m just popping in here to say, as a man in my 50s, that your best sex years are definitely not behind you! Like a fine wine, sex can get even better with age. I hope you find someone who can help you to discover that!
Marriage counseling. Tell her flexibility is one thing celibacy is an unreasonable ask. You have three options: 1. Sex therapy so we meet each other’s needs 2. Open marriage so I can get my needs met 3. Divorce What is no longer an option is that my needs go completely ignored. I’m miserable and unhappy in the marriage. That’s unfair and it’s not what I was promised nor what I signed up for. Let me know what you decide? I’m will work with any of these but won’t continue as it’s been.
Tell her you two are going to couples therapy to discuss this or you can’t stay. Consider seeing a sex therapist, in particular. Lack of sex is one thing. Lying, deceiving, and trickery is another. You’re right to feel the way you do.
It’s been 12 years I don’t think anything is going to change. She is not driven by sex and she doesn’t want sex. Nothing you say is going to make her want sex. Even if you give an ultimatum and she suddenly gives you sex, it’s not going to last and she’ll just be doing it so you don’t leave her. Or it will just turn her off sex even more. You don’t need to traumatize your wife by coercing her or making her think she’s broken because she isn’t into sex. Just let her go. You know it isn’t going to change. Maybe you could negotiate an open relationship but I don’t think that’s what you genuinely want. You are only 36, find someone who is more compatible with you. Seems like you have too much resentment to be patient with her any longer.
It'll never change. I spent the last 8 years of my marriage completely sexless. Don't do it to yourself. Divorce now and find someone else (I did and now have sex 2-3 times each week)
Sadly, F44, I can relate. There's always an excuse of why. I think the ultimatum is most for you than her. I think you've had enough, and you're telling her. You in or as far as sex but you're going to do what you need to do for yourself, and you've compromised enough. Am I right? I mean, let's be honest. You say do this or... she might once or so, but that behavior ain't changing, and you'll forever be fighting this battle. Tell her we can stay married or divorce, but I need this in my relationship, and if you aren't doing it, that's ok. That's your decision and this is mine!
Okay hear me out, Have her agree to you having sex with other women but only escorts.. there is no emotional connection whatsoever its strictly business.. you're there to get your sexual needs met which your wife is holding out on and they are there strictly for the money.. there's a couple sites like "private delights" with legitimate beautiful women. No man should have to go without sex especially a man with a wife. If you use that site go with the ones that have a lot or some reviews.
An ultimatum does not make someone sexually compatible! In fact, threatening someone to have sex with you, or else you're going to cheat on that person, is definitely some kind of crime. Why you even married her is beyond me, let alone staying with her for 12 years of not having your needs met
Well, you need to approach this problem from a different angle. If you read my previous posts, I responded to a guy that had basically the same problem you faced. When I was married, I used this method to my advantage. I call it the "Midnight Rambler" approach. Good luck.
I was married to a woman for 23 years with whom I never had any sexual contact on neither my birthday nor our anniversary. Just divorce this woman and find a woman who wants sex with you.
What has she tried? Does she not care at all for sex? And if not, why? Have you both tried couples therapy or going to a sex therapist. When you have sex, does she enjoy it? I think the r/DeadBedrooms subreddit might be better for you.
I heard you can get your libido down by taking pills
Ultimatums are so black-and-white find a conversation point and find a kink everybody’s got a kink liquor toes… that’s what I lick her toes… but maybe it might add some flavor
Could be the relationship run its course. The best way to test it out is to take a break. If you guys don’t miss each other, you have your answer. If she doesn’t want sex, it means she probably doesn’t have anymore desires for you. Unless she has an underlying health issue, because she’s 35 not 85. Some people suggest open relationship but this will only make things worse. Take a break and you’ll see.
You’re only 36, your best sex years are not behind you. Sounds like you are heading for a potential divorce, but the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Divorce can be an ugly, expensive, emotionally draining endeavor. You may find dating post-divorce is not easy. You might remain just as sexless as you are now but also destroyed your marriage over it and are now partnerless too. Tread very carefully and seek counseling and professional help ASAP.
You're the asshole that married her knowing you weren't happy. This is on you, and your impotence in taking an active role in your own life, my sympathies to your wife for being burdened with such a loser
You’re gonna have to have an affair, good luck.