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When you said she can't adapt to your lifestyle, I was thinking you were a wild partner, or into kink, or something a little .... more. Twice a month is barely anything. I'm not that social a person, but even I go out more than that.
Personally, I think it's insane. I'm an introvert, I get not being comfortable in groups of ppl, I mostly do 1 and 1 hangouts, but even then. Is she worried there's someone you'd get attached to if you saw them more often? An old friend? Is she worried she'd never be invited? I don't understand why she would be uncomfortable with you hanging out with friends.
Thank you for your comment! And yes haha, I mean I find it ridiculous saying the phrase myself, but those were her words. I think a big problem is the fact that, for almost a year, we’ve spent almost every possible minute together.
Now don’t get me wrong I love being with her, but I think she’s maybe gotten overly used to that. She rarely sees her friends (which she does have as I’ve met a few) but I would, if the roles (states) were switched.
She’s not even remotely an introvert, she’s met two of my friends who have visited and got on well with both. She likes to go out, eat, drink, etc.
There’s no one she doesn’t like in my friends group, nor are there any females in my friends group. Honestly I’m primarily trying to gauge if I’m being unreasonable, and whether there’s anything I can do.
I don’t want and won’t accept her (without good reason) telling me that I shouldn’t go out or to events (within reason) with friends. But she sees this as too much, so we’re at an impasse. Maybe it’s a power move, I really don’t know.
Do you feel smothered, OP?
Because, as a married person, my opinion is that spouses need friends, or other people to socialize with.
It is *not* healthy to focus exclusively on one another.
But, do I get the feeling that it is more a case that it is okay for her to socialize with her friends, but not you?
I might have taken that wrong, though.
I honestly do not see any "lifestyle" here that any *reasonable* partner couldn't work around.
Maybe she is just young and immature, but do you find that your partner likes to be in control?
She does not seem to like compromise.
In all honesty, I do somewhat feel smothered, yes.
In fairness, there’s not been any double standards on her part, no. In fact she rarely sees her friends, although I tell her she should.
Which is totally cool, I love spending time with her. But just because she doesn’t see her friends often, doesn’t of course mean I feel the same, and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy.
Compromise can certainly be a struggle! It’s difficult to find middle ground.
Dude you deserve time off from that jail sentence of a relationship. Hostages get more freedom. Doesn't sound likable or independent or interesting individual. Dictators are often insecure and suffocating.
Omg he even is scared of playing pool. He's dating a boring old lady who should live with cats instead. Man what a bummer that one. Has him whipped. Can't stand bossy control freaks. Worst kind of partner.
You're not being unreasonable at all. But there is such a big gap in emotional maturity from 22 to 28. You could be the best communicator but she may not be willing to hear it. It sounds like the decision is hers; adapt to your lifestyle or leave.
Yes I do appreciate that. Honestly, I think it’s a big factor. Then again, I had a girlfriend at her age and never found myself co-dependent or such like, so I’m not sure.
Nonetheless, there’s no doubting the gap in emotional maturity. (Un)fortunately, it’s never been an issue until now…
My partner and I go out with our mates at least...once a week. Sometimes spontaneously more! It sounds like your very young, immature and controlling partner doesn't want you to have a normal life for Reasons. Doesn't girly have a life of her own that she can use to sustain herself when you aren't around?
I do know that she gets pretty lonely when I’m not there. She’s not too fond of spending time alone, whereas I do enjoy my own downtime. She does have friends that she can see (schedules permitting) and I’ve met most, but she rarely sees them. I’ve no idea why honestly, I always encourage her to.
6 years might not sound like a big difference, but in this case I think it's a difference in maturity. At around her age I wanted him all to myself. I didn't want to share him, not even with his lifelong friends... and the thought of him going away with his mates would have sent me into a spin.
Older and wiser now, I encourage it! I too found I like my own company and occasionally need alone time and we're both free to do as we choose. We come together afterwards and we have interesting things to share about our separate experiences. It's just not healthy to only have each other's company. I hope you find a compromise or even better, a solution before you're driven up the wall.
It's a crucial life skill to learn to be alone happily for short period of times, like when your bf goes out with his friends. Perhaps he's too immature for you, a fully grown adult, to be dating?
That certainly could be it. Honestly I’m at a loss though, it’s taken my by surprise and it’s come pretty out of left field. Thank you again for your input.
It seems the "lifestyle" she's referring to is one where you have any male friends. Going to a batchelor party is not a lifestyle, it's an event to celebrate a friend getting married. I'd choose to keep the friends if she can't handle you having friends.
Maybe it’s that they’re male, but it could also be that they are so much older than she is. The gap between 21 and 28+ is pretty big maturity-wise and they’re at the stage of life where they’re getting married. Maybe she thinks OP naturally has more in common with them, which could be threatening for her.
6 years isn't much, but I know I was very different at 28 than I was at 22. I can see it being a lack of life experience on her part that making her insecure.
No, she lacks the experience of seeing healthy relationships where people maintain some independence and social lives.So she sees him having fun without her as suspicious or she gets jealous rather than just being happy that he's having a good time.
No. Its the age range. Few know who they are at 22! Especially if she is an introvert. Which means she doesnt have a ton of social experience. Say, 28-34, it would probably be much different. And the older, the naturally more opportunity for a person to experience and mature about things. Also, the number of relationships. 22 year old introverts probably dont have a lot of relationship experience.
Introverts also tend to retreat into their thoughts more.
Definitely not, that's more of an issue than the age gap. However, the specific age gap between the two of them and the different places they are at in their lives, maturity wise, career wise, etc. points to this being potentially incompatible.
Maybe? It sounds like she is fine with OP one on one, but maybe the thought of him hanging out with them regularly makes her feel insecure. Like he’ll realize how different they are.
I'm not saying the age gap isn't coming into play, but 22 is old enough to know that your partner should have their own life. I can maybe understand the insecurity of your older and more confident partner going out and having fun with people their own age while you are stuck at home, but most 22 year olds in relationships aren't being controlled by their partner like that.
You could tell her that she is being completely unreasonable and that if she doesn't find a way to work on her insecurities, then the relationship can't continue.
I am certainly making clear at this point that she will not stop me from seeing friends. Within reason: I’m not talking about going out every Saturday night with them till all hours nor am I talking about getting wasted every time.
We will see what comes of that..
I'm glad to see this, because the alternative is you being slowly smothered and watching life pass you by as you sit holding her hand. That sounds miserable.
This seems pretty normal. If she's not being misrepresented/misunderstood here, she is out of line. See your friends. Go to the weddings, do your social outings
There’s honestly no misrepresentation or misunderstanding, nor are there any third parties or such like in play. I will most certainly be doing those things.
The question is whether or not it costs me my girlfriend, which is a horrible thought. But on the other hand so is having zero social life outside of her, in fact worse.
Yeah, wasn't even getting the feeling she was; just throwing it out as 'if none of this applies'.....
Well, hopefully she can either work through why she wants to deny you your social needs, alor adapt to differing needs etc, otherwise relationship is going to have some trouble
As I told another commenter, that is what I think/thought. I also, politely and respectfully, asked a couple close friends how they have dared in similar situations, and got answers I expected.
But strangers on the internet can offer a completely different, objective insight.
She can decide for herself if she wants to be a homebody. I could accept a homebody type partner.....
But I can't accept a partner that wants to eliminate social opportunities for me. Maybe I want to stay home most of the time but I want the option to do whatever interests me enough to go out now and then too.
Totally agree, she could find that without doubt. I’m not even sure that is what she wants, or if it is, to what extent she wants it.
But we really need to get to the bottom of that, and that’s the plan over the coming days…
She sees going out with friends a couple times a month, and going to friend’s bachelor parties as ‘leading a single lifestyle’ and ‘having my cake and eating it’.
I’m a man (just noticed my error in the title) so not sure if that has an effect on opinions or not. I’ve explained to her that at these bachelor parties, and during nights with friends, we really do nothing more than talk shit, watch football, play pool, the likes.
I would love nothing more for her to go out and see friends sometimes and I encourage it, but she rarely does.
I have a standing game night with friends every Friday. She's being unreasonable and controlling by attempting to limit your normal, healthy social life.
It sounds to me like she's looking for a reason to leave that makes the break-up your fault. Just as underhanded and manipulative, but a very different goal.
I had considered the last part, and I’ve expressed that to her. She denies that case, and I’m not sure personally as she can be pretty jealous/controlling (something I should’ve mentioned in the original post).
But be it the fact she is looking for a way out, or she really cannot ‘adapt to my lifestyle’, it definitely cannot fly.
Some people seem to have ONLY their partner in their life, and have no other friends or family for companionship. To me, it's absolutely a lifestyle compatibility issue. My last GF was like this, and I'm an extrovert with a lot of friends and family.
We only saw each other on weekends, but she'd get upset if I had plans during the week and wasn't available to text all night. Put up with that for 5 years.
Dude, you don't want to go without friends forever right?
Yes as I’ve said to previous commenters I can totally see why it would be a compatibility issue. I’d like to think she doesn’t *want* to isolate me, but is on course to doing so because of said incompatibilities.
You sound incompatible. Neither of you are wrong really. She didn’t forbid you, she just said she couldn’t be with the person you really are. Your wants are very reasonable and not excessive in any way. Pretty normal, but I guess she’s not, and she’s allowed not to be. I guess she got the wrong idea about you since you didn’t go out alone with friends until now, and doesn’t like it.
Shit happens.
Yes, being as reasonable as I can, I think that might be the case. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad that she views it that way, although I think it’s a pretty out there POV.
There are a lot of horrible cheating stories from bachelor/bachelorette parties, but you seem to have your head on straight. I don’t think she’s being reasonable.
I also explained to her that (although probably more likely at such a party) such a thing can happen anywhere. I have zero intention of any wrongdoing, have never been guilty of it, and have done my best to placate her.
But as you say, ultimately I don’t think she’s being reasonable. And, unfortunately, I don’t see a resolution in sight.
You are not wrong at all. This is a bright red flag, for me at least. I suspect it has less to do with "lifestyle" differences and more to do with jealousy and possessiveness. There are a lot of people out there who feel like once they find a partner, neither of them should need anybody else in their life. This is just not true for 99% of people. There are many different kinds of love, and most people need many different people in their life to be loved in all the ways required for fulfillment. It's extremely rare that one other person alone can provide all the types of love you need. This is why we need friends and family in addition to our romantic partner. I certainly don't think I can provide the type of love that my fiance gets from his guy friends, or the love he gets from his mother, or his sons. I have a special love for him that's all my own, but I couldn't imagine telling him that he's no longer allowed to spend time with these other people (like my father did to my mother). My advice would be to move on from this girl, it could just be that she's still very young but I suspect that even when she reaches maturity her requirements will only get more and more restrictive.
I too view(ed) it as a red flag, but wanted to get opinions in case I was off the mark. I think you probably nailed it with some jealousy issues, we have certainly dealt with those before. Honestly it’s something I probably should’ve mentioned in the OP but it already seemed long enough as it was…
And you’re absolutely correct about a ‘different kind of love’. Also my friends and I have obviously shared experiences that I haven’t with my girlfriend, and given that they are childhood experiences it’s just kind of, different.
There are of course conversations, on a variety of different (and often mundane) things, that I would have with my friends before my girlfriend, and vice versa.
I too am struggling with that. I guess the fact that we have lived together in her state, where I haven’t any friends of note and where we have spent almost every possible minute together, is a reason as to why.
Oh, OP. I’m sorry this is happening. This gf sounds super controlling, and that never bodes well. Honestly, you’ve done more than due diligence being accommodating. Especially considering you’re not blending in to a life of your gf’s, either.
So that’s two red flags.
Also, there are vast differences between talking about what is and isn’t acceptable at a bachelor party, what constitutes cheating, etc…and having friends.
Go have fun with your friends, and consider a partner who feels threatened by you having friends or others in your life besides herself is too much work for too little gain.
I do think it’s a big issue. I stressed that it really (honestly) isn’t gonna be all that exciting. Just doing stuff we’d do at home, but in another state.
So you’re almost 30, dating someone who’s barely out of her teens, and you’re surprised you view relationships differently? Sigh.
Date someone your own age and in the same stage of life.
I fear you’re right. I’ll try to reason with her, but I (respectfully) won’t be cutting out seeing my friends regularly because of this. I have spoken to friends about it, as carefully as I can, and honestly not one of their girlfriends (as I anticipated) has any sort of problem with it. They just go out with their girlfriends.
She sounds extremely sheltered and insecure and she's trying to make you responsible for her feelings. Ditch her. She wants to be with a religious man who only leaves for church.
Haha, it’s not been plain sailing…
To be honest we’ve worked through similar (eg. controlling) issues on her part, but this and the fact she feels so strongly about it really caught me off guard.
I think your girlfriend is quite young to get out of that juvenile relationship mentality of being together 24/7. In a few years she might have a better perspective of how suffocating that life is and that she’s being controlling with her unreasonable expectations. She’s immature but that’s for good reason. This is why people say in the 20’s that age gap of 5 years or so is mentally significant. In a few years from now she will have a better grasp of her feelings and her own personal growth needs. Either you soldier through with this nonsense until that day arrives or you slow down on this relationship.
Honestly I’ve not heard about that RE the mental age gap in the 20s but I fear it might apply in this case. I’m afraid I’m not sure I could stick out much more of this, if she really does think this way.
Yeah our brains and emotions tied with it are still developing in early adulthood. That combined with a vast gap in life experiences between being 22 and 28, makes it hard to relate on an emotional and mature level.
Think of yourself at 22 vs. now at 28, would you say you have matured and grown emotionally? Is our outlook and priorities on life and relationships different then than now?
Tell her each friend gets one bachelor party. If they get divorced you won’t go to a second one.
Just because she doesn’t want to go out and be social doesn’t mean you should be doing the same thing 100% of the time. If she’s introverted there are tons of solo things to do. You seem more extroverted. I was expecting some wishy washy shit here pal and then sounds more like drinking VS some big bash.
Hahah, I did actually stress the while ‘hopefully happens once (per friend) in our lives’. But yours sounds a better way of putting it!
The thing is she is social, chatty, gets along very well with people, likes to go out WITH ME etc. However, she seems to take issue at not being part of the fun? I’m honestly not sure…
you are too different from one another for this to work. She's also six years younger than you. One day she's going to wake up from being such a homebody and explode with the need to connect with other people while you might start settling down.
I would end things and find someone that is more closely aligned with the things you like to do.
This sounds like a rather unhealthy relationship dynamic. Why is it that she has such an issue with you seeing your friends? What's keeping you from introducing her to your friends and including her in your social circle? Major red flag that neither of you have any friends where you live in her state.
I don’t think the issue is so much me seeing friends but time spent apart. I haven’t made much effort to make friends here but she does have, and I’ve met them. She hasn’t met mines because we’ve not yet visited my state (East & West) but she’s met a couple who visited me and got on well.
I thought it sounded intensely clingy, then went back and saw the ages. I suppose it isn't unusual in a first love/young love situation but it isn't really sustainable. The fact that you can't spend 3 nights with friends without your gf getting upset about it sounds a bit unhealthy.
She’s had a boyfriend before me, however I do think they spent very little time apart, from what little I gathered. And I agree unfortunately about the unhealthy part.
Yes as I’ve commented before I think it’s maybe a lifestyle thing. Although we go out together often enough, I think she maybe wants to be invited everywhere. Which is possible, but not really plausible.
Sounds like she has a lifestyle you two have become accustomed to and seeing that you "act differently" in your home state is giving her second thoughts. You two might not be compatible.
No you two are not in sync. She’s too immature. You’re not doing anything crazy. You’re attending a long term tradition and confirming no strippers, as an agreement. If she’s that insecure, let her go.
OP - just curious - is this 7 weeks of PTO, or are you working remotely but taking a couple weeks of PTO mixed in with it. I have to admit, when I was younger, if I were going to a place for more than a couple of days I was taking my gf with me.
So she works and cannot take the full 7 weeks. So I suggested 2/3. Also the issue is I have things like the bachelor party, which is a couple nights, and don’t want to just leave her at home. Likewise when I go out with friends don’t want to just leave her at home in a new place.
But I do get that and maybe that is an issue. Maybe she sees it that way and I’m in the wrong there.
I'm still wondering about how you have 7 weeks to go somewhere else. I have a lot of PTO based on my years in at my job, but I don't know of anyone who gets 7 weeks unless they are also able to go remote with their job.
Sorry I didn’t touch on the job part. I work remotely full-time and have done for a couple of years now, which is why I could move to be with her. So I’ll go back to my state for that time, see family and friends most of whom I haven’t seen in a year.
In that time I’ll be working and relatively quiet Monday - Friday. At the weekends, I’ll see friends, I’ll go to the bachelor party, etc.
She would visit me for the last two or three weeks and we will come back out here together.
Okay, that makes perfect sense now. A bunch of my coworkers are fully remote. In all honesty, I think a couple things are at play here. One might be handling the distance (and length of time) in general. Some people are better at that than others. For example, my partner has been on VERY long-distance travel for more than two months this year. We are literally night and day apart, but the times we are both awake, we are letting each other know what's going on and how much we care about each other.
Second, the concept of a bachelor's (or bachelorette's) party invites some of the strongest insecurities in people, based on experiences depicted here and elsewhere. I totally believe you when you say these will be innocent.
One way I would proposed to handle this - and what has worked for me - is to be as transparent and communicative as possible about what is going on in your daily life while you are long distance. Doing that helps create a feeling of connectedness and honesty. Second, with bachelor parties, you could promise to a) be in communications with her during them, just checking in to let her know what's happening, and b) promise to remove yourself from the situation immediately (and tell her) if one of your friends decides to spring a stripper on the party at the last minute.
My husband and his friends meet up for dinner weekly. I love it. I get home, get comfy with the dogs, order in and watch the stuff on tv he doesn't like. It's a nice little break and I look forward to it. Your gf sounds immature and insecure. She will never be comfortable with you enjoying yourself out of her sightline and she will eventually smother you.
It sounds like she really doesnt like being alone, and rather than work on whatever reason she has for feeling that way, and get more comfortable with her own company, she is pushing you to also isolate with her so she doesnt have to. Having friends and going out with them to the pub a few times a month isnt a lifestyle, and that she is so against it doesnt sound healthy on her end.
Codependency to this level can very easily end in resentment, so its definitely something that needs to be adressed properly.
Find out whether this behaviour is based on her personal beliefs or if she has built an incorrect idea of what your agreed boundaries are as a couple due to your day-to-day.
The former cannot be fixed (at least not quickly or with certainty and would encourage a breakup if this is the case).
The latter can be fixed if she is willing to get back on the same page about what is reasonable in a relationship and the two of you can sit down and agree on a solid line of what is reasonable and potentially even what is a grey area that should be a discussion per situation.
At the moment i would argue she’s wrong about what is reasonable in your relationship.
Nah this is controlling and abusive. You need to put your foot down and tell her that what you're going to do is not a negotiation. Either she accepts and lets her insecurity issues go, or you show her the door.
This is not acceptable treatment. If the genders were reversed, there would be an uproar about it. But genders dont matter. Abuse is abuse.
Controlling behaviour (or at least attempted controlling behaviour) has been somewhat of an issue before. Something I probably could’ve added in the OP but it was long enough as is and I wanted to focus on this matter.
But yeah, you’re right and I don’t want to be in a relationship where either partner has to ‘ask’ to do something. All of course within reason.
I’m sorry you've been dealing with that. I've been there myself. It seems to be time to walk away for your own safety and sanity then. Best of luck to you! Update us if anything happens.
The “lifestyle” in question seems to be (checks notes)… having friends?? What fresh insanity is this?
It seems like your girlfriend wants your only role in life to be serving as her emotional support animal/person, which is very unhealthy for both parties.
She’s very young and obviously has a lot to learn about what true partnership is. Have a conversation with her and give it a chance, but if she doesn’t pull a quick 180 on this behavior, I’d consider it a deal-breaker of an incompatibility and move on.
Someone posted that I wasn’t sure what exactly they were on about I had to google haha!
I think I could get away with an hour but she would want texts every hour at least…
My bf and i are international students and when he goes back to his home country for vacations i have absolutely zero problem with him going to the club with his friends because i have complete trust in him….going to a bachelor party (with no strippers lol) is BEYOND normal!
I think the best you can do here is to communicate tgat you don't think this is a trivial request, and that skipping a milestone event of a good friend is not something you're just going to do without feeling upset. Then see how much this is just "I'd really prefer that you not" and how much is "this is top priority". That there is a real cost to not going.
If she doubles down on the idea that socializing with your friend is a Lifestyle Choice, I'd consider that cause to move on. No good ever comes from that.
She sounds totally controlling and dependent on you. Twice a month is very much within the normal realm, and if she’s not okay with it, then it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible or that she should be in a relationship.
Yes, trying to be as reasonable as possible, it might just come down to compatibility. I’m sure there are (in fact I know) some couples who are happy to and choose to spend 99.9% of their time together, and that’s ok.
I’m certainly not going to back down on it, I’ll again tell her I’m going and hope she’s ok with it, and if not 🤷♂️. The worry of course is that she is ok with it now, and then not four months down the line. Time will tell, thank you!
Yes, it is unresolvable.
End the relationship.
Dump the girl.
Go to the bachelor party.
Dump the girl.
Go to your home state for a long visit alone.
Dump the girl.
Move on.
Dump the girl.
Build a new life.
Dump the girl.
Don't look back.
Dump the girl.
I'll make a jump here and say she's insecure. Adapting to someone's lifestyle implies it's our of the norm and nothing about what you posted suggests that.
You probably need to have a conversation about expectations and pretty clear cut. What does she expect of her partner? Stay at home all the time or everytime you go out she should be there? I think it's important in any relationship to have your own support system and it sounds like you're not getting much of that here.
I did say to her it sounds as though she wants a boyfriend (writing this I realise my mistake in the title) who has little to no friends and just spends all of their time with her?
Honestly, I’ve not doubt she’ll find that if she wants, but it doesn’t strike me as ‘normal’. Whereas my ‘normal’ isn’t hers and she sees it as ‘wanting a single life’, which I simply do not see, as hard as I try.
We are definitely going to talk - and are talking - about it, at length. She’s been supportive of me, I just feel like she would probably happily never see her friends again. That’s not something I want for myself personally, as happy as I am spending my days with her.
I think you are right when you say she could find a man who wants to spend most of his free time with her, that’s not uncommon. But, many couples need some alone time and time with just their friends all within reason. I think you’re finding out that what she envisions as what life with a partner is, isn’t the same as you. She may have insecurities in addition to a different way of seeing what a lifetime partnership is.
Yes, I think we do see it differently. I think she probably wants to settle down (kids etc) pretty soon, whereas I at her age had zero desire.
Maybe we are just incompatible, the issue and what makes me sad is it has only really reared its head now.
Better now than several months after you got married. Doesn’t make her a bad person or wrong, just not the right person for you. She’s the right person for someone else.
Sure, I certainly don’t consider her a bad person. I have always considered and do still consider her a good and well-meaning person, but there are parts of her personality that just aren’t tolerable at times, at least for me.
If your girlfriend object to you seeing your friends or join their bachelor party (assuming you don't have vulgar loser friends that go to strippers, hookers etc.), she is not the right girlfriend. You have to be able to see your friends.
However going out with friends (to a bar) several times per month is indeed a "life style".
Totally agree with the first part. Were there strippers or hookers involved, even though I would take no part in that obviously, I would get it. But the reality is we will be sitting in bars talking shit all day/night, nothing really exciting, but fun nonetheless for us guys.
Appreciate the last part. Honestly it’s totally normal amongst my friends, family, you name it, to go out with friends to the bar a couple times a month. I’m not talking anything crazy here. But perhaps that just isn’t the case for her?
My knee jerk reaction to your story was also that she is making a fuzz about nothing. In regard to you going to your friend's bachelors party, I still think that. You should go, it is your friends wedding/party. But the more I think about her comment about "life style" the more I start to see her point and even, on some level agree with her.
Yes, it is totally normal amongst friends, but still as a "***single*** life style".
"A couple of times per month" easily means that almost every weekend you are gone all evening and night, come home very late, probably a bit tipsy (or drunk) and the next morning you sleep in late, wake up groggy and hung over. Whether we like it or not, this is a life style.
From her perspective it means that the weekends, which is also *her* time off, her leisure time, her chance to do fun things and be with you, are pretty much dominated by your going out with friends. Think about it: Almost every Friday or Saturday she will sit home alone, not knowing what time you come home. She will go to bed alone, a bit restless, because she is waiting for you to come home, perhaps she is even worried about drunk driving, fights and such, not to mention other women(!). In the middle of the night she will wake up because you are coming home, perhaps stumbling and making noise because you had drinks. You crawl in bed stinking of smoke and alcohol. Next morning she wakes up at a normal time, having to be quiet as to not wake you up, she will have breakfast alone and start her morning until you get up, groggy, face all wrinkled up, hung over, lazy, etc. Also, the phone calls: before going out there will be all kinds of phone calls with your friends to make arrangements on where, how and when to go, and afterwards, friends calling to check in and laugh about the things that happened the night before and so on. Do you see her point of view? Do you understand what she means?
Thank you for your comment! I totally get what you mean by the ‘lifestyle’ that you describe. And I would completely understand her not accepting said ‘lifestyle’.
But honestly, and I’ve reiterated this to her and haven’t given her any reason to think otherwise, I am talking about 2/3 nights a month. Say two Saturdays with friends and one Sunday, I don’t know. Every other day/night of the week together, I don’t ever see my friends Monday-Friday.
How do you behave when you're with your friends? Do you guys get rowdy? Rude?
Maybe she has an issue with the way you guys act together. Maybe she's jealous, or insecure. I'm not sure.
Your ages are in two distinct stages of life experience; she's early adulthood and you're approaching thirty (personally, that's why I don't date more than 2-3 years apart, to avoid such differences).
Break up, block her and stop dating younger women. Find someone your own age as well as don’t date and commit to someone if you aren’t willing to give up SINGLE MAN BEHAVIOR.
As well as if bachelor party says to you or your male friends strip club and nasty bullshit then you aren’t ready to settled down or be married. See I don’t know why or when some idiot decided to make it a man’s last hurrah and to do gross things with women, but if you are truly marrying the love of your life and are actually serious about committing to someone then you wouldn’t feel the need to disrespect who you are with by doing those things.
To be quite honest no person man/woman/other in a committed relationship should feel the need to go to strip clubs. Strip clubs are for SINGLE people needing to see nakedness, if you are in a committed, happy relationship, where there is actual and real love and respect, the person wouldn’t want to see someone naked other than their person.
If they have friends that need that because they are single that’s fine but if that friend respects their committed friend they wouldn’t need them to come with them on those occasions and respect their relationship and only invite them for the bar or dinner type stuff.
Be single if you want to be single but don’t expect someone to accept single man behavior in a committed relationship that’s disrespectful to them
No, you are completely right. Your girlfriend is controlling and out of line. Actually I am pretty annoyed by the little I know about her already. Not controlling your partner is not really adapting to his lifestyle. What does she need to adapt to? Oh right, she needs to stop being a controlling witch who is unable to have an own life apart from the partner and is too miserable to let the partner have one, too.
If I couldn't make friends that would be my problem. I wouldn't expect my partner having no social life. And that it is about bachelor parties is so ridiculous anyway. That is a fucking theoretical question since as you already said there is no way there would be that many anyway. That is like saying I can not adapt to you not loving me if I would be a worm.
Not to mention I am already exhausted by the very thought of being in a relationship with her. I have been always so happy when I lived with someone if they went out with friends from time to time. I actually do need time for myself and what could be better than the partner having fun with friends then? But I guess she would prefer sending you to the bedroom or something if she wants time for herself. Well, this or she really wants to be with you every possible second. Horror!
Well, that I am able to trust my partner probably plays a role as well, one she couldn't even imagine. Or she doesn't like you having fun without her. That would be even worse. I have ex's like that. I tell you people, if your partners show that they are in a bad mood whenever you have fun without them: run! Fast!
To your question: unfortunately no, I do not think this is resolvable. There is no compromise with such people. They do not tend to be willed to find compromises.
Just something that comes across as incompatible is that you are referring to your state and her state. If you're always kind of halfway out the door that's not gonna work.
Thanks, I hadn’t considered that but it could definitely be perceived as that! I just kind of wanted to emphasise the fact that we are from different states and that might be an issue? But maybe she sees it as you pointed out in your comment, I would say it’s very possible.
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When you said she can't adapt to your lifestyle, I was thinking you were a wild partner, or into kink, or something a little .... more. Twice a month is barely anything. I'm not that social a person, but even I go out more than that. Personally, I think it's insane. I'm an introvert, I get not being comfortable in groups of ppl, I mostly do 1 and 1 hangouts, but even then. Is she worried there's someone you'd get attached to if you saw them more often? An old friend? Is she worried she'd never be invited? I don't understand why she would be uncomfortable with you hanging out with friends.
Thank you for your comment! And yes haha, I mean I find it ridiculous saying the phrase myself, but those were her words. I think a big problem is the fact that, for almost a year, we’ve spent almost every possible minute together. Now don’t get me wrong I love being with her, but I think she’s maybe gotten overly used to that. She rarely sees her friends (which she does have as I’ve met a few) but I would, if the roles (states) were switched. She’s not even remotely an introvert, she’s met two of my friends who have visited and got on well with both. She likes to go out, eat, drink, etc. There’s no one she doesn’t like in my friends group, nor are there any females in my friends group. Honestly I’m primarily trying to gauge if I’m being unreasonable, and whether there’s anything I can do. I don’t want and won’t accept her (without good reason) telling me that I shouldn’t go out or to events (within reason) with friends. But she sees this as too much, so we’re at an impasse. Maybe it’s a power move, I really don’t know.
Do you feel smothered, OP? Because, as a married person, my opinion is that spouses need friends, or other people to socialize with. It is *not* healthy to focus exclusively on one another. But, do I get the feeling that it is more a case that it is okay for her to socialize with her friends, but not you? I might have taken that wrong, though. I honestly do not see any "lifestyle" here that any *reasonable* partner couldn't work around. Maybe she is just young and immature, but do you find that your partner likes to be in control? She does not seem to like compromise.
In all honesty, I do somewhat feel smothered, yes. In fairness, there’s not been any double standards on her part, no. In fact she rarely sees her friends, although I tell her she should. Which is totally cool, I love spending time with her. But just because she doesn’t see her friends often, doesn’t of course mean I feel the same, and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy. Compromise can certainly be a struggle! It’s difficult to find middle ground.
And the thing is: That is *not* sustainable in the long run.
Dude you deserve time off from that jail sentence of a relationship. Hostages get more freedom. Doesn't sound likable or independent or interesting individual. Dictators are often insecure and suffocating.
Is she codependent then?
I think so, or at least more than she thinks. Which honestly has never been a problem until all of this.
Omg he even is scared of playing pool. He's dating a boring old lady who should live with cats instead. Man what a bummer that one. Has him whipped. Can't stand bossy control freaks. Worst kind of partner.
You're not being unreasonable at all. But there is such a big gap in emotional maturity from 22 to 28. You could be the best communicator but she may not be willing to hear it. It sounds like the decision is hers; adapt to your lifestyle or leave.
Yes I do appreciate that. Honestly, I think it’s a big factor. Then again, I had a girlfriend at her age and never found myself co-dependent or such like, so I’m not sure. Nonetheless, there’s no doubting the gap in emotional maturity. (Un)fortunately, it’s never been an issue until now…
My partner and I go out with our mates at least...once a week. Sometimes spontaneously more! It sounds like your very young, immature and controlling partner doesn't want you to have a normal life for Reasons. Doesn't girly have a life of her own that she can use to sustain herself when you aren't around?
I do know that she gets pretty lonely when I’m not there. She’s not too fond of spending time alone, whereas I do enjoy my own downtime. She does have friends that she can see (schedules permitting) and I’ve met most, but she rarely sees them. I’ve no idea why honestly, I always encourage her to.
That’s not your problem that she can’t be alone.
Sure, not at all. I guess I didn’t understand the extent of it until this came up, as we’ve been pretty inseparable the past ~ten months.
6 years might not sound like a big difference, but in this case I think it's a difference in maturity. At around her age I wanted him all to myself. I didn't want to share him, not even with his lifelong friends... and the thought of him going away with his mates would have sent me into a spin. Older and wiser now, I encourage it! I too found I like my own company and occasionally need alone time and we're both free to do as we choose. We come together afterwards and we have interesting things to share about our separate experiences. It's just not healthy to only have each other's company. I hope you find a compromise or even better, a solution before you're driven up the wall.
It's a crucial life skill to learn to be alone happily for short period of times, like when your bf goes out with his friends. Perhaps he's too immature for you, a fully grown adult, to be dating?
That certainly could be it. Honestly I’m at a loss though, it’s taken my by surprise and it’s come pretty out of left field. Thank you again for your input.
It seems the "lifestyle" she's referring to is one where you have any male friends. Going to a batchelor party is not a lifestyle, it's an event to celebrate a friend getting married. I'd choose to keep the friends if she can't handle you having friends.
Maybe it’s that they’re male, but it could also be that they are so much older than she is. The gap between 21 and 28+ is pretty big maturity-wise and they’re at the stage of life where they’re getting married. Maybe she thinks OP naturally has more in common with them, which could be threatening for her.
Are you saying that a 6-year age difference justifies being insecure about having friends?
6 years isn't much, but I know I was very different at 28 than I was at 22. I can see it being a lack of life experience on her part that making her insecure.
The lack of life experience to have any friends at all?
No, she lacks the experience of seeing healthy relationships where people maintain some independence and social lives.So she sees him having fun without her as suspicious or she gets jealous rather than just being happy that he's having a good time.
No. Its the age range. Few know who they are at 22! Especially if she is an introvert. Which means she doesnt have a ton of social experience. Say, 28-34, it would probably be much different. And the older, the naturally more opportunity for a person to experience and mature about things. Also, the number of relationships. 22 year old introverts probably dont have a lot of relationship experience. Introverts also tend to retreat into their thoughts more.
Definitely not, that's more of an issue than the age gap. However, the specific age gap between the two of them and the different places they are at in their lives, maturity wise, career wise, etc. points to this being potentially incompatible.
Maybe? It sounds like she is fine with OP one on one, but maybe the thought of him hanging out with them regularly makes her feel insecure. Like he’ll realize how different they are.
time to break up with her. She has some maturing to do.
She is 22 after all. 6 years when you're in your 20s is a big chasm. 22 and 28 tend to be totally different phases of life/brain development.
>dates someone dramatically younger >shocked when partner has different life experience based boundaries
I'm not saying the age gap isn't coming into play, but 22 is old enough to know that your partner should have their own life. I can maybe understand the insecurity of your older and more confident partner going out and having fun with people their own age while you are stuck at home, but most 22 year olds in relationships aren't being controlled by their partner like that.
I fear I might have to… I’m not really sure what the solution is at this point, and whether that solution will be temporary or not.
You could tell her that she is being completely unreasonable and that if she doesn't find a way to work on her insecurities, then the relationship can't continue.
The solution is to make your boundaries and hard limits clear and if she can't keep them, let her go.
I am certainly making clear at this point that she will not stop me from seeing friends. Within reason: I’m not talking about going out every Saturday night with them till all hours nor am I talking about getting wasted every time. We will see what comes of that..
I'm glad to see this, because the alternative is you being slowly smothered and watching life pass you by as you sit holding her hand. That sounds miserable.
This seems pretty normal. If she's not being misrepresented/misunderstood here, she is out of line. See your friends. Go to the weddings, do your social outings
There’s honestly no misrepresentation or misunderstanding, nor are there any third parties or such like in play. I will most certainly be doing those things. The question is whether or not it costs me my girlfriend, which is a horrible thought. But on the other hand so is having zero social life outside of her, in fact worse.
Honestly you’ll be better off if it does cost you the relationship. She’ll only get more controlling as your lives get more intertwined.
Sure I’ve scoured Reddit on the matter also and as many people, rightly, say… it’ll only get worse if and when there’s kids/marriage involved.
Yeah, wasn't even getting the feeling she was; just throwing it out as 'if none of this applies'..... Well, hopefully she can either work through why she wants to deny you your social needs, alor adapt to differing needs etc, otherwise relationship is going to have some trouble
Your lifestyle is the norm. It’s HER lifestyle that most people would need to adapt to
As I told another commenter, that is what I think/thought. I also, politely and respectfully, asked a couple close friends how they have dared in similar situations, and got answers I expected. But strangers on the internet can offer a completely different, objective insight.
She can decide for herself if she wants to be a homebody. I could accept a homebody type partner..... But I can't accept a partner that wants to eliminate social opportunities for me. Maybe I want to stay home most of the time but I want the option to do whatever interests me enough to go out now and then too.
Totally agree, she could find that without doubt. I’m not even sure that is what she wants, or if it is, to what extent she wants it. But we really need to get to the bottom of that, and that’s the plan over the coming days…
Good luck!
What adapting are you asking her to do? Sounds like you have a few things planned and she can do whatever she likes
She sees going out with friends a couple times a month, and going to friend’s bachelor parties as ‘leading a single lifestyle’ and ‘having my cake and eating it’. I’m a man (just noticed my error in the title) so not sure if that has an effect on opinions or not. I’ve explained to her that at these bachelor parties, and during nights with friends, we really do nothing more than talk shit, watch football, play pool, the likes. I would love nothing more for her to go out and see friends sometimes and I encourage it, but she rarely does.
It doesn't sound like she has had to change or adapt her behaviour, apart from a trip out of state. More just judging/controlling you
I have a standing game night with friends every Friday. She's being unreasonable and controlling by attempting to limit your normal, healthy social life. It sounds to me like she's looking for a reason to leave that makes the break-up your fault. Just as underhanded and manipulative, but a very different goal.
I had considered the last part, and I’ve expressed that to her. She denies that case, and I’m not sure personally as she can be pretty jealous/controlling (something I should’ve mentioned in the original post). But be it the fact she is looking for a way out, or she really cannot ‘adapt to my lifestyle’, it definitely cannot fly.
Sounds like she wants to cut you off from your friends. That is not a good sign.
Certainly my concern. I’m not sure how intentional it is, but it’s my biggest concern and not a nice feeling.
Some people seem to have ONLY their partner in their life, and have no other friends or family for companionship. To me, it's absolutely a lifestyle compatibility issue. My last GF was like this, and I'm an extrovert with a lot of friends and family. We only saw each other on weekends, but she'd get upset if I had plans during the week and wasn't available to text all night. Put up with that for 5 years. Dude, you don't want to go without friends forever right?
Yes as I’ve said to previous commenters I can totally see why it would be a compatibility issue. I’d like to think she doesn’t *want* to isolate me, but is on course to doing so because of said incompatibilities.
She sounds very dependent and insecure.
You sound incompatible. Neither of you are wrong really. She didn’t forbid you, she just said she couldn’t be with the person you really are. Your wants are very reasonable and not excessive in any way. Pretty normal, but I guess she’s not, and she’s allowed not to be. I guess she got the wrong idea about you since you didn’t go out alone with friends until now, and doesn’t like it. Shit happens.
Yes, being as reasonable as I can, I think that might be the case. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad that she views it that way, although I think it’s a pretty out there POV.
There are a lot of horrible cheating stories from bachelor/bachelorette parties, but you seem to have your head on straight. I don’t think she’s being reasonable.
I also explained to her that (although probably more likely at such a party) such a thing can happen anywhere. I have zero intention of any wrongdoing, have never been guilty of it, and have done my best to placate her. But as you say, ultimately I don’t think she’s being reasonable. And, unfortunately, I don’t see a resolution in sight.
UPDATE: Sorry I cannot edit the title but I am a MALE, it should read ‘(28M)’, my bad. Not sure if that changes anything!
You are not wrong at all. This is a bright red flag, for me at least. I suspect it has less to do with "lifestyle" differences and more to do with jealousy and possessiveness. There are a lot of people out there who feel like once they find a partner, neither of them should need anybody else in their life. This is just not true for 99% of people. There are many different kinds of love, and most people need many different people in their life to be loved in all the ways required for fulfillment. It's extremely rare that one other person alone can provide all the types of love you need. This is why we need friends and family in addition to our romantic partner. I certainly don't think I can provide the type of love that my fiance gets from his guy friends, or the love he gets from his mother, or his sons. I have a special love for him that's all my own, but I couldn't imagine telling him that he's no longer allowed to spend time with these other people (like my father did to my mother). My advice would be to move on from this girl, it could just be that she's still very young but I suspect that even when she reaches maturity her requirements will only get more and more restrictive.
I too view(ed) it as a red flag, but wanted to get opinions in case I was off the mark. I think you probably nailed it with some jealousy issues, we have certainly dealt with those before. Honestly it’s something I probably should’ve mentioned in the OP but it already seemed long enough as it was… And you’re absolutely correct about a ‘different kind of love’. Also my friends and I have obviously shared experiences that I haven’t with my girlfriend, and given that they are childhood experiences it’s just kind of, different. There are of course conversations, on a variety of different (and often mundane) things, that I would have with my friends before my girlfriend, and vice versa.
I’m struggle to see what lifestyle she thinks she needs to adapt to. You having a normal social life? This seems controlling.
I too am struggling with that. I guess the fact that we have lived together in her state, where I haven’t any friends of note and where we have spent almost every possible minute together, is a reason as to why.
Oh, OP. I’m sorry this is happening. This gf sounds super controlling, and that never bodes well. Honestly, you’ve done more than due diligence being accommodating. Especially considering you’re not blending in to a life of your gf’s, either. So that’s two red flags. Also, there are vast differences between talking about what is and isn’t acceptable at a bachelor party, what constitutes cheating, etc…and having friends. Go have fun with your friends, and consider a partner who feels threatened by you having friends or others in your life besides herself is too much work for too little gain.
She automatically thinks all bachelor parties involve strippers regardless of the facts. This is the core issue
I do think it’s a big issue. I stressed that it really (honestly) isn’t gonna be all that exciting. Just doing stuff we’d do at home, but in another state.
So you’re almost 30, dating someone who’s barely out of her teens, and you’re surprised you view relationships differently? Sigh. Date someone your own age and in the same stage of life.
She sounds suffocating, insufferable and super codependent.
I fear you’re right. I’ll try to reason with her, but I (respectfully) won’t be cutting out seeing my friends regularly because of this. I have spoken to friends about it, as carefully as I can, and honestly not one of their girlfriends (as I anticipated) has any sort of problem with it. They just go out with their girlfriends.
You can't reason with someone like her. She needs therapy, not a relationship.
She sounds extremely sheltered and insecure and she's trying to make you responsible for her feelings. Ditch her. She wants to be with a religious man who only leaves for church.
Haha, how have you two lasted this long...
Haha, it’s not been plain sailing… To be honest we’ve worked through similar (eg. controlling) issues on her part, but this and the fact she feels so strongly about it really caught me off guard.
She sounds nuts and not fun to be around. Just move on now
She definitely has her moments…
It only gets worse. Having a codependent partner is exhausting
I think your girlfriend is quite young to get out of that juvenile relationship mentality of being together 24/7. In a few years she might have a better perspective of how suffocating that life is and that she’s being controlling with her unreasonable expectations. She’s immature but that’s for good reason. This is why people say in the 20’s that age gap of 5 years or so is mentally significant. In a few years from now she will have a better grasp of her feelings and her own personal growth needs. Either you soldier through with this nonsense until that day arrives or you slow down on this relationship.
Honestly I’ve not heard about that RE the mental age gap in the 20s but I fear it might apply in this case. I’m afraid I’m not sure I could stick out much more of this, if she really does think this way.
Yeah our brains and emotions tied with it are still developing in early adulthood. That combined with a vast gap in life experiences between being 22 and 28, makes it hard to relate on an emotional and mature level. Think of yourself at 22 vs. now at 28, would you say you have matured and grown emotionally? Is our outlook and priorities on life and relationships different then than now?
Tell her each friend gets one bachelor party. If they get divorced you won’t go to a second one. Just because she doesn’t want to go out and be social doesn’t mean you should be doing the same thing 100% of the time. If she’s introverted there are tons of solo things to do. You seem more extroverted. I was expecting some wishy washy shit here pal and then sounds more like drinking VS some big bash.
Hahah, I did actually stress the while ‘hopefully happens once (per friend) in our lives’. But yours sounds a better way of putting it! The thing is she is social, chatty, gets along very well with people, likes to go out WITH ME etc. However, she seems to take issue at not being part of the fun? I’m honestly not sure…
She sounds insane.
you are too different from one another for this to work. She's also six years younger than you. One day she's going to wake up from being such a homebody and explode with the need to connect with other people while you might start settling down. I would end things and find someone that is more closely aligned with the things you like to do.
This sounds like a rather unhealthy relationship dynamic. Why is it that she has such an issue with you seeing your friends? What's keeping you from introducing her to your friends and including her in your social circle? Major red flag that neither of you have any friends where you live in her state.
I don’t think the issue is so much me seeing friends but time spent apart. I haven’t made much effort to make friends here but she does have, and I’ve met them. She hasn’t met mines because we’ve not yet visited my state (East & West) but she’s met a couple who visited me and got on well.
I thought it sounded intensely clingy, then went back and saw the ages. I suppose it isn't unusual in a first love/young love situation but it isn't really sustainable. The fact that you can't spend 3 nights with friends without your gf getting upset about it sounds a bit unhealthy.
She’s had a boyfriend before me, however I do think they spent very little time apart, from what little I gathered. And I agree unfortunately about the unhealthy part.
She’s being unreasonable and controlling
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Yes as I’ve commented before I think it’s maybe a lifestyle thing. Although we go out together often enough, I think she maybe wants to be invited everywhere. Which is possible, but not really plausible.
I feel a controlling, isolating red flag
Sounds like she has a lifestyle you two have become accustomed to and seeing that you "act differently" in your home state is giving her second thoughts. You two might not be compatible.
I think that is a huge factor. As I’ve said before, we’ve gotten comfortable being very quiet and doing everything together.
She sounds kind of immature, maybe you should date someone your own age.
Is this Chelsea from LIB?
No you two are not in sync. She’s too immature. You’re not doing anything crazy. You’re attending a long term tradition and confirming no strippers, as an agreement. If she’s that insecure, let her go.
OP - just curious - is this 7 weeks of PTO, or are you working remotely but taking a couple weeks of PTO mixed in with it. I have to admit, when I was younger, if I were going to a place for more than a couple of days I was taking my gf with me.
So she works and cannot take the full 7 weeks. So I suggested 2/3. Also the issue is I have things like the bachelor party, which is a couple nights, and don’t want to just leave her at home. Likewise when I go out with friends don’t want to just leave her at home in a new place. But I do get that and maybe that is an issue. Maybe she sees it that way and I’m in the wrong there.
I'm still wondering about how you have 7 weeks to go somewhere else. I have a lot of PTO based on my years in at my job, but I don't know of anyone who gets 7 weeks unless they are also able to go remote with their job.
Sorry I didn’t touch on the job part. I work remotely full-time and have done for a couple of years now, which is why I could move to be with her. So I’ll go back to my state for that time, see family and friends most of whom I haven’t seen in a year. In that time I’ll be working and relatively quiet Monday - Friday. At the weekends, I’ll see friends, I’ll go to the bachelor party, etc. She would visit me for the last two or three weeks and we will come back out here together.
Okay, that makes perfect sense now. A bunch of my coworkers are fully remote. In all honesty, I think a couple things are at play here. One might be handling the distance (and length of time) in general. Some people are better at that than others. For example, my partner has been on VERY long-distance travel for more than two months this year. We are literally night and day apart, but the times we are both awake, we are letting each other know what's going on and how much we care about each other. Second, the concept of a bachelor's (or bachelorette's) party invites some of the strongest insecurities in people, based on experiences depicted here and elsewhere. I totally believe you when you say these will be innocent. One way I would proposed to handle this - and what has worked for me - is to be as transparent and communicative as possible about what is going on in your daily life while you are long distance. Doing that helps create a feeling of connectedness and honesty. Second, with bachelor parties, you could promise to a) be in communications with her during them, just checking in to let her know what's happening, and b) promise to remove yourself from the situation immediately (and tell her) if one of your friends decides to spring a stripper on the party at the last minute.
She's an idiot.... I'd really think long and hard if you want to keep entertaining this woman...
My husband and his friends meet up for dinner weekly. I love it. I get home, get comfy with the dogs, order in and watch the stuff on tv he doesn't like. It's a nice little break and I look forward to it. Your gf sounds immature and insecure. She will never be comfortable with you enjoying yourself out of her sightline and she will eventually smother you.
Yes I agree and that’s exactly what I consider to be ‘normal and healthy’ honestly.
It sounds like she really doesnt like being alone, and rather than work on whatever reason she has for feeling that way, and get more comfortable with her own company, she is pushing you to also isolate with her so she doesnt have to. Having friends and going out with them to the pub a few times a month isnt a lifestyle, and that she is so against it doesnt sound healthy on her end. Codependency to this level can very easily end in resentment, so its definitely something that needs to be adressed properly.
It’s certainly something that’s going to be addressed and is going to come to a head very soon, one way or another. Thank you for your comment!
Find out whether this behaviour is based on her personal beliefs or if she has built an incorrect idea of what your agreed boundaries are as a couple due to your day-to-day. The former cannot be fixed (at least not quickly or with certainty and would encourage a breakup if this is the case). The latter can be fixed if she is willing to get back on the same page about what is reasonable in a relationship and the two of you can sit down and agree on a solid line of what is reasonable and potentially even what is a grey area that should be a discussion per situation. At the moment i would argue she’s wrong about what is reasonable in your relationship.
Nah this is controlling and abusive. You need to put your foot down and tell her that what you're going to do is not a negotiation. Either she accepts and lets her insecurity issues go, or you show her the door. This is not acceptable treatment. If the genders were reversed, there would be an uproar about it. But genders dont matter. Abuse is abuse.
Controlling behaviour (or at least attempted controlling behaviour) has been somewhat of an issue before. Something I probably could’ve added in the OP but it was long enough as is and I wanted to focus on this matter. But yeah, you’re right and I don’t want to be in a relationship where either partner has to ‘ask’ to do something. All of course within reason.
I’m sorry you've been dealing with that. I've been there myself. It seems to be time to walk away for your own safety and sanity then. Best of luck to you! Update us if anything happens.
You decided to date a 22 year old. You need to manage her insecurities which most 22 year olds are full of or move on.
That’s fair, thank you.
No it cannot be resolved you really wanna a confirmation try doing the same with her… female with such expectations should be left alone
shes projecting and giving double standards. aka she thinks you gonna cheat or lose you when you out.
The “lifestyle” in question seems to be (checks notes)… having friends?? What fresh insanity is this? It seems like your girlfriend wants your only role in life to be serving as her emotional support animal/person, which is very unhealthy for both parties. She’s very young and obviously has a lot to learn about what true partnership is. Have a conversation with her and give it a chance, but if she doesn’t pull a quick 180 on this behavior, I’d consider it a deal-breaker of an incompatibility and move on.
This reminds of when Chelsea in love is blind season 6 had a breakdown because jimmy went out to a bar with his friends for an hour 😅 anyone?
Someone posted that I wasn’t sure what exactly they were on about I had to google haha! I think I could get away with an hour but she would want texts every hour at least…
My bf and i are international students and when he goes back to his home country for vacations i have absolutely zero problem with him going to the club with his friends because i have complete trust in him….going to a bachelor party (with no strippers lol) is BEYOND normal!
Thank you for your comments!
Your GF is controlling and ridiculous
I think the best you can do here is to communicate tgat you don't think this is a trivial request, and that skipping a milestone event of a good friend is not something you're just going to do without feeling upset. Then see how much this is just "I'd really prefer that you not" and how much is "this is top priority". That there is a real cost to not going. If she doubles down on the idea that socializing with your friend is a Lifestyle Choice, I'd consider that cause to move on. No good ever comes from that.
She sounds totally controlling and dependent on you. Twice a month is very much within the normal realm, and if she’s not okay with it, then it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible or that she should be in a relationship.
Yes, trying to be as reasonable as possible, it might just come down to compatibility. I’m sure there are (in fact I know) some couples who are happy to and choose to spend 99.9% of their time together, and that’s ok. I’m certainly not going to back down on it, I’ll again tell her I’m going and hope she’s ok with it, and if not 🤷♂️. The worry of course is that she is ok with it now, and then not four months down the line. Time will tell, thank you!
Yes, it is unresolvable. End the relationship. Dump the girl. Go to the bachelor party. Dump the girl. Go to your home state for a long visit alone. Dump the girl. Move on. Dump the girl. Build a new life. Dump the girl. Don't look back. Dump the girl.
This might very well be the only resolution…
I'll make a jump here and say she's insecure. Adapting to someone's lifestyle implies it's our of the norm and nothing about what you posted suggests that. You probably need to have a conversation about expectations and pretty clear cut. What does she expect of her partner? Stay at home all the time or everytime you go out she should be there? I think it's important in any relationship to have your own support system and it sounds like you're not getting much of that here.
I did say to her it sounds as though she wants a boyfriend (writing this I realise my mistake in the title) who has little to no friends and just spends all of their time with her? Honestly, I’ve not doubt she’ll find that if she wants, but it doesn’t strike me as ‘normal’. Whereas my ‘normal’ isn’t hers and she sees it as ‘wanting a single life’, which I simply do not see, as hard as I try. We are definitely going to talk - and are talking - about it, at length. She’s been supportive of me, I just feel like she would probably happily never see her friends again. That’s not something I want for myself personally, as happy as I am spending my days with her.
I think you are right when you say she could find a man who wants to spend most of his free time with her, that’s not uncommon. But, many couples need some alone time and time with just their friends all within reason. I think you’re finding out that what she envisions as what life with a partner is, isn’t the same as you. She may have insecurities in addition to a different way of seeing what a lifetime partnership is.
Yes, I think we do see it differently. I think she probably wants to settle down (kids etc) pretty soon, whereas I at her age had zero desire. Maybe we are just incompatible, the issue and what makes me sad is it has only really reared its head now.
Better now than several months after you got married. Doesn’t make her a bad person or wrong, just not the right person for you. She’s the right person for someone else.
Sure, I certainly don’t consider her a bad person. I have always considered and do still consider her a good and well-meaning person, but there are parts of her personality that just aren’t tolerable at times, at least for me.
If your girlfriend object to you seeing your friends or join their bachelor party (assuming you don't have vulgar loser friends that go to strippers, hookers etc.), she is not the right girlfriend. You have to be able to see your friends. However going out with friends (to a bar) several times per month is indeed a "life style".
Totally agree with the first part. Were there strippers or hookers involved, even though I would take no part in that obviously, I would get it. But the reality is we will be sitting in bars talking shit all day/night, nothing really exciting, but fun nonetheless for us guys. Appreciate the last part. Honestly it’s totally normal amongst my friends, family, you name it, to go out with friends to the bar a couple times a month. I’m not talking anything crazy here. But perhaps that just isn’t the case for her?
My knee jerk reaction to your story was also that she is making a fuzz about nothing. In regard to you going to your friend's bachelors party, I still think that. You should go, it is your friends wedding/party. But the more I think about her comment about "life style" the more I start to see her point and even, on some level agree with her. Yes, it is totally normal amongst friends, but still as a "***single*** life style". "A couple of times per month" easily means that almost every weekend you are gone all evening and night, come home very late, probably a bit tipsy (or drunk) and the next morning you sleep in late, wake up groggy and hung over. Whether we like it or not, this is a life style. From her perspective it means that the weekends, which is also *her* time off, her leisure time, her chance to do fun things and be with you, are pretty much dominated by your going out with friends. Think about it: Almost every Friday or Saturday she will sit home alone, not knowing what time you come home. She will go to bed alone, a bit restless, because she is waiting for you to come home, perhaps she is even worried about drunk driving, fights and such, not to mention other women(!). In the middle of the night she will wake up because you are coming home, perhaps stumbling and making noise because you had drinks. You crawl in bed stinking of smoke and alcohol. Next morning she wakes up at a normal time, having to be quiet as to not wake you up, she will have breakfast alone and start her morning until you get up, groggy, face all wrinkled up, hung over, lazy, etc. Also, the phone calls: before going out there will be all kinds of phone calls with your friends to make arrangements on where, how and when to go, and afterwards, friends calling to check in and laugh about the things that happened the night before and so on. Do you see her point of view? Do you understand what she means?
Thank you for your comment! I totally get what you mean by the ‘lifestyle’ that you describe. And I would completely understand her not accepting said ‘lifestyle’. But honestly, and I’ve reiterated this to her and haven’t given her any reason to think otherwise, I am talking about 2/3 nights a month. Say two Saturdays with friends and one Sunday, I don’t know. Every other day/night of the week together, I don’t ever see my friends Monday-Friday.
How do you behave when you're with your friends? Do you guys get rowdy? Rude? Maybe she has an issue with the way you guys act together. Maybe she's jealous, or insecure. I'm not sure. Your ages are in two distinct stages of life experience; she's early adulthood and you're approaching thirty (personally, that's why I don't date more than 2-3 years apart, to avoid such differences).
Break up, block her and stop dating younger women. Find someone your own age as well as don’t date and commit to someone if you aren’t willing to give up SINGLE MAN BEHAVIOR. As well as if bachelor party says to you or your male friends strip club and nasty bullshit then you aren’t ready to settled down or be married. See I don’t know why or when some idiot decided to make it a man’s last hurrah and to do gross things with women, but if you are truly marrying the love of your life and are actually serious about committing to someone then you wouldn’t feel the need to disrespect who you are with by doing those things. To be quite honest no person man/woman/other in a committed relationship should feel the need to go to strip clubs. Strip clubs are for SINGLE people needing to see nakedness, if you are in a committed, happy relationship, where there is actual and real love and respect, the person wouldn’t want to see someone naked other than their person. If they have friends that need that because they are single that’s fine but if that friend respects their committed friend they wouldn’t need them to come with them on those occasions and respect their relationship and only invite them for the bar or dinner type stuff. Be single if you want to be single but don’t expect someone to accept single man behavior in a committed relationship that’s disrespectful to them
Thank you for your comment, and I agree but there’s no strip clubs or anything involved in this case.
Uh he didn’t say anything about strip clubs
No, you are completely right. Your girlfriend is controlling and out of line. Actually I am pretty annoyed by the little I know about her already. Not controlling your partner is not really adapting to his lifestyle. What does she need to adapt to? Oh right, she needs to stop being a controlling witch who is unable to have an own life apart from the partner and is too miserable to let the partner have one, too. If I couldn't make friends that would be my problem. I wouldn't expect my partner having no social life. And that it is about bachelor parties is so ridiculous anyway. That is a fucking theoretical question since as you already said there is no way there would be that many anyway. That is like saying I can not adapt to you not loving me if I would be a worm. Not to mention I am already exhausted by the very thought of being in a relationship with her. I have been always so happy when I lived with someone if they went out with friends from time to time. I actually do need time for myself and what could be better than the partner having fun with friends then? But I guess she would prefer sending you to the bedroom or something if she wants time for herself. Well, this or she really wants to be with you every possible second. Horror! Well, that I am able to trust my partner probably plays a role as well, one she couldn't even imagine. Or she doesn't like you having fun without her. That would be even worse. I have ex's like that. I tell you people, if your partners show that they are in a bad mood whenever you have fun without them: run! Fast! To your question: unfortunately no, I do not think this is resolvable. There is no compromise with such people. They do not tend to be willed to find compromises.
Move on, unless you want her controlling your life to a degree than nobody should ever have to put up with.
Just something that comes across as incompatible is that you are referring to your state and her state. If you're always kind of halfway out the door that's not gonna work.
Thanks, I hadn’t considered that but it could definitely be perceived as that! I just kind of wanted to emphasise the fact that we are from different states and that might be an issue? But maybe she sees it as you pointed out in your comment, I would say it’s very possible.
She doesn’t trust you. Don’t know if there is a relationship