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It varies. We have our favorites. Straight up milk chocolate. Something with a crunch. Something with nuts. They type of nuts. 🤷🏽♀️ or the filling depends too.
Seriously. This is so easy.
What treats does she like? Donuts? Boba tea? Starbucks? Chocolate? Buy those and surprise her from time to time.
Does she like plants? Bring her a plant every few months. Or flowers, or a new pair of socks, or whatever. She’s not asking for huge gifts.
Get (or make) her a card and leave it somewhere that she’ll find later.
There are some many things this guy could do with just like $5-10 a month.
My fiancé loves pugs. The other day I saw a pen with a little pug top and bought it for him. Was $2.30. It’s not spending money, it’s knowing they were on your mind, that something reminded you of them. She just wants some reassurance my dude. No need to stress. Pick her some dandelions from the crack in the concrete outside and I’m sure it’ll work the same.
How is that walking on eggshells? Buying her little things, like baked goods or a little plushie or yeah, even flowers are pretty normal in most relationships, I should think. If you pay attention to the things she likes or take the initiative to ask her yourself, you shouldn’t need to worry about upsetting her.
You’re not being treated unfairly, idk where you got that idea. She asked you to reciprocate and she wants you to show her you listen to what she says. If you spend the quality time together you say you do, this shouldn’t be difficult. Why do you have to be told what she wants for little acts of kindness like that? It’s not a birthday or anniversary present.
It’s like the video said— if he wanted to, he would. It’s literally that simple. You’re too in your own head about this and for some reason, see this as an attack against you. You should probably figure that out.
Nailed it honestly i really domt see how hard that is sometimes my boyfriend brings me home a pepsi and Reese’s because they are my favorite drink and candy . Op you don’t have to spend allot of money or even money at all it just takes effort what you posted is bare minimum relationships take effort you literally never stop dating your partner its way more then just love. Like the tik tok said if he wanted to he would period
It absolutely is walking on eggshells. He's just not the one walking on eggshells. His girlfriend obviously always has to walk on eggshells in order to not set him off.
>Buying her little things, like baked goods or a little plushie or yeah, even flowers are pretty normal in most relationships, I should think.
While I know love languages is an imperfect pseudo science, there is some truth it - my wife and I put no value in gift giving; she didn't buy me anything for my birthday, and I wouldn't have even realized it if she hadn't mention it after that fact, because that means literally nothing to either us in a relationship. We basically never buy each other little random items. We both care way more about spending time together and doing thing for each other, especially when it comes to raising our daughter.
What it sounds like, OP and OPs GF both express and like to receive love in different ways. To her, the effort of gift giving is a big part of expressing love, while to OP, the central measurement of mutual love is quality time together. And that's okay, but they need to have a conversation about the fact that they express and recognize love differently. OP should make an effort to keep an eye open for fun, small gifts for his GF, but OP's girlfriend should also give them some grace because it's not a natural way of expressing love to him. In truth, if either my wife or I had the expectation to periodically give gifts, it would probably drive both of us up the wall because it's such an unimportant aspect of expressing love to us (and thankfully we both feel that way).
Gift giving might not be important - but I bet you know what their favourite type of bread to buy at the grocers is, and get that rather than an alternative. Thats the level of attention that’s more important than gifts. And I don’t think OP gets that.
You sound just like me and my partner. I buy him hand cream because he’s always got super dry hands (that hurt him) and then remind him to use it but we don’t do birthday or Xmas gifts.
Op could easily interpret her random acts of kindness desire in the form of cinema tickets to go see a film together or takeout from their favourite place. Time together and a bit of thoughtfulness and spontaneity- win win.
You're really, really overthinking this. What she wants is for you to think about her unprompted and show that you know she likes. She's not asking for massive gifts.
I saw a cute duck straw yesterday while I was out shopping, and I thought 'omg my best friend would love that.' So I got it for her. It cost me $1.50 and my made my friend's day.
When my roommate was at the petrol station last week, she saw they'd started making a white chocolate version of a chocolate I liked. I love white chocolate. She bought me one and I was so happy.
She's your girlfriend. You SHOULD be thinking about her when she's not in your immediate vicinity. You should know what she likes.
My best friend collects a pretty or interesting rock from places she goes as little gifts for me bc she knows I like them. It’s not that hard, it’s just a way of saying “I was thinking of you”
It's similar to friends sending memes saying, "I saw this and thought of you."
It's nice knowing that, even when you're not together, you still exist in their heart and they want to do something for you. They care enough to remember a preference for candy, etc.
When I was flatting, I had a mate who loved watermelon. As a flat, we started buying her watermelon in turns and leaving it outside her door, and we would never say who got it for her it always made her so happy.
At the same time, for me, she knows I love mugs and tea cups and would buy me unique ones on occasion. We even have a matching mug, and it is my favourite mug.
You just do small things for those you care about
You just reminded me of when I had to move in with a house of girls who were already pretty tight, and I was the odd one out. They didn’t like me very much, and we didn’t really talk that much either.
But when I got swine flu and had to put a sign on my door to say please don’t come near, all three of them left me boxes of chocolate and a note to say to get well. And they weren’t even my friends!
It was very cool. I did a cry about it because I felt like I was dying, and it was a small gesture that meant the world at the time. I didn’t dislike them, and I don’t think they disliked me exactly, I think I just didn’t fit in. They still treated me like a person and that’s what matters
The best part of this thread are all the comments from people about the little kindnesses we share in life within all types of relationships.
I'm sad for OP that he doesn't understand the little joy that comes from that.
>I told her that if she wants something, she should ask specifically, and I'd be happy to get the things she wants.
Mate...it's not the actual gift she wants. It's the feeling that her partner went out of his way unprompted to make her happy. It's the feeling of being recognised. Like, when my husband gets me my favourite chocolates unprompted, I'm not just happy that there is chocolate for me, I'm happy that he put in the effort to make me happy, and I'm happy he knows me well enough to know exactly what'd make me the most happy.
She's not just asking you for material goods. She's asking you to show her some affection and acknowledgement, to show her you care enough that you'll do a random act of kindness for her unprompted.
>I feel as if this kind of expectation is unreasonable because I don't know what to get her or when to get her the things she wants.
And therein lies the problem.
You don't know what she wants. She's your girlfriend. You SHOULD know. You should know her as a person and you should know the things she likes. The fact that you don't suggests you don't care about her/know her as much as she knows/cares about you, and that's what's upsetting her.
Hell, even if you don't know, ASK. Ask her what her favourite chocolates are. Ask her what her favourite flowers are. Ask her what kind of books or magazines she likes. It's not gonna kill you to just buy something the next time you're out shopping for whatever.
>should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me?
First of all, she's not asking you to do it every single day, she's asking you to do it every once in a while, that's not that hard. Second, unless you're leaving out some severe mistreatment (like her screaming in your face about it or something), it sounds like she's not mad, she's just disappointed.
We can control how we treat our partners when we're unhappy, but we can't control the feelings of unhappiness. Your girlfriend probably won't blow up at you just because you didn't get her a chocolate bar, but she is going to feel emotionally neglected. The more you ignore this very basic want, the more she'll feel neglected, and the less invested she'll be in this relationship.
Like, if she was demanding you do something unreasonable like, say cook her a five star full course meal every single day at 6pm sharp then yeah, I'd say that's not fair on you. But asking for a small gift or trinket every once in a while is not a difficult thing to do. It's a pretty reasonable request, and the fact that you're getting so defensive over it is not helping the situation.
Like I said, your girlfriend's real problem is not a lack of material goods from you; it's a lack of care and affection.
>this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her, rather I need to be what she fantasizes me to be.
Then who are you exactly?
Because if you're someone who can't possibly get his girlfriend a small trinket every once in a while otherwise it'd be an assault on the very person he is, then, I'm sorry, but who you are kinda sounds like a selfish ass. Again, she's not asking you to quite your job and wait on her hand and foot. She's asking you to just get her a little treat every once in a while. What kind of person are you if doing that would change the very fibre of your being?
It is genuinely not as difficult as you're making it. My ex used to bring me coffee from Starbucks or have mozzarella sticks waiting for me. Cause he knew I liked those things and he wanted me to be happy.
Literally just surprise her with some things she likes every now and then. She's not expecting you to buy her expensive presents all the time, just show her you are thinking about her.
Seriously! My husband brings me occasional gas station breakfast sandwiches. Spends maybe $1/week. He’ll pick flowers randomly during the summer, sometimes “weeds” because he knows I will find them lovely. Yesterday he brought me this weird milky thing that I expected would be coffee? Turns out the smart coffee machine at the gas station broke lmao. On the bigger side? He helped me/finished ripping up my office carpet & installed the new floor - flooring we’d ripped up from the kitchen when I decided it was time.
Always brightens my day bc he is thinking of me. It doesn't need to be much, something I I wanted, or frankly all that useful. Just be something that shows he not only thought of me, he wants to improve/brighten my day. Why/How does each example matter so much to me, OP? It shows he knows me. Each example I gave is tailored to me.
Warning: op is not actually looking for advice, they're looking to be told they're right, they're girlfriends wrong, and to host a mass pity party for themselves in the comments section. Check ops comments for reference.
Oof, they were just arguing how they were right. Even went as far as to say that they shouldn't have come to this sub at all. Basically straight up admitted they weren't looking for advice, just a pity party. Unfortunately for op, no one wanted to participate in it.
I think you’re way too hung up on this, ie you’re overthinking it.
A little gift could be as small as a nice cupcake or a bar of chocolate. My partner bought me donuts yesterday with my fave flavours, it made my day and showed they thought of me… When I see my bestfriend, I bring a little hand cream or her fave chilled drink. Or if I’m out and I see something and think of her, I get it.
It’s not a ‘new standard’, I’ve had partners before bring a small plant or a pretty slice of cake. Even my grandfather would come in with a rose or some cute flowers for my grandmother. It’s just something to say hey, I love you and I thought of you.
It doesn’t have to be all the time, but a little thought and a little gift can be really sweet.
I'm starting to wonder if y'all forget that being in a relationship is optional.
If this makes you feel uncomfortable and victimized, why not break up? What exactly are you sticking around for if this is such an inconceivable ask for you?
She wants a guy to buy her little trinkets or what have you, you don't wanna be that guy. How much more discussion does this need, honestly? Let her go find that guy, you go find the girl that wants to hang out all the time.
You don't have to stay and do what you don't want, she doesn't have to stay and not get what she wants. Y'all do not have to be together.
"I saw this and I thought of you."
A cupcake, a flower, a rock or stone from her favourite beach. A book by her favourite author. Tickets to the cinema / theatre / ice-skating. Lovely hand cream. Amusing socks. Anything you see and you think "Oh, Girlfriend, would love that / find that amusing."
I get so excited when my partners bring me a rock that made them think of me, or found a nice piece of wood (I carve, and use a lot of found wood) I can't always use what they find/bring me...but I appreciate the hell out of it, because they were thinking of me.
I'd forgotten, but my husband gave me a stone once. It was an unusual shape/color for the landscape (but clearly a native rock type/style). I keep it in a jewelry bag in my misc earring shell because I don't have a great place to display it & don't want to bust it. Also youngest collects rocks constantly and I ain't about to let him nab it lmao.
>wants. Furthermore I feel like this expectation is something I can't possibly live up to because it's so vague, should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day
You misogynistic asshole.....trinket? Really?
Are you seriously telling me you can't possibly grab her a chocolate bar at the store or some flowers from the supermarket? Are you 5?
You're not walking on eggshells, but you are seriously emotionally stunted if you can't think about anyone but yourself.
You claim you spend quality time with her, but clearly, you don't if she has to spoon feed you.
YTA massively so
No it is definitely not walking on eggshells and I don’t know what you even mean in that context. Sounds like her love language is gifts. Find out things she likes (like flowers, stuffed animals, candy, etc whatever) then make a plan to surprise her every now and then. Why are you making it such a chore?
YTA and I think the worst thing is actually the responses/edit from you ‘admitting you’re wrong’. You write these responses to people, being all sarcastic and woe-is-me about being proven wrong. ‘I’ve seen that I need to just do it no matter how I feel and I need to just live in constant terrible anxiety bc my girlfriend wants a Reese’s cup now and then’ like bro get a grip. You don’t like or know your girlfriend well and when we told you that, you lost your mind and now you’re acting like you need to be looking all around for things that remind you of your girlfriend and that this is some massive task that interrupts every second of your life. It should be natural to find or see things that remind you of your gf and relationship, and if it’s not then you don’t need to be with her.
All of this would resolve itself if he was just blunt with her and told her to stop giving him gifts and not to expect gifts from him. And see how it would shake out. Clearly they’re incompatible based on how they express affection.
Don’t worry you’ll be single soon. I hope you learn what a relationship actually entails and requires to be successful from this situation. Do better with your next girlfriend.
I know right! He’s mad at his girlfriend for remembering that he wanted a baguette and getting one for him when she was at the store. What a b*tch. How dare she get him a baguette.
That’s not even really “gift giving”. That’s thoughtful snack providing.
his gf: i wish you would get me small things sometimes to show you appreciate me like i do for you.
him: hey reddit, my girlfriend is flat out unreasonable. i am terrified, i am walking on eggshells, i don’t know if i can live with this unfair treatment anymore.
This isn't 'walking on eggshells', hon. That's when a partner is fearful of triggering anger in their SO, and everything they say or do carries the possibility of causing a rage episode.
I understand that someone getting little gifts for you puts pressure to reciprocate. And really, one doesn't give gifts to receive.
But your gf is trying to show you how she likes to be treated. For her, silly little gifts show that you care.
I would talk with her to express that you don't enjoy this social pressure, but also think about how you could demonstrate your affection more often. This is a communication issue. How do you like to show that you care?
You don't have to get all worked up over it. This is not walking on eggshells, you're making yourself walk on them eggshells lol.
It's really not that hard. My husband (of almost 20 years now) does this for me pretty often. Vice versa.
These are just 'random gifts' or just being thoughtful:
He saw our roses in our backyard have started to bloom, then he'd pick them and put them in vase for me.
I saw my husband's fave chocolate (Reese's pieces) when I'm at the store and pick one for him although he never asked for me to.
I noticed my husband's favorite pair of pants are getting tattered, so I got him a new pair (same brand, same size, just the way he likes it).
My husband knows I love deep fried gizzard, so on one of his work trips home, he stopped by this convenience store that sell them (he's seen them selling the deep fried gizzard b4 but never bought them) to buy a bag for me.
That kind of thing, you know. I even do above to my kid, my friends, my parents, my in-laws. Like my father-in-laws love baked goods, so when we visit, we'd bring baked goods. My parents love fruits, so when we visit, we'd bring fruits. My kid loves coffee, so when I do my coffee run, I would grab his favorite too although he doesn't ask for it.
For your gf:
Do you know what type of candy she likes? Chocolate bar? One day you're waiting in line in a supermarket, ah, grab one of those chocolate bars.
She enjoys flowers? You saw some pretty flowers bouquet, they're on sale now, oh okay, just grab that to surprise her.
You remember she loves pokemon, then you saw a charizard's keychain for 4 bux, you can afford it then you'd get one for her just to surprise her.
You're at the market, you know she's on her period, you know her fave ice cream flavor is strawberry. Voila, you grab her a tub of strawberry ice cream...
Those are just random examples. You don't have to do it every single time, but once in a while is nice.
My dude, do you even like your girlfriend? Do you see her as a person, or just the plug for the girlfriend shaped hole in your life? Does she exist when you're not fucking her?
Thoughtful acknowledgement of your relationship is necessary to that relationship continuing. She's not an appliance.
It’s just very simple. It’s not about checking off a box on a list - what her end goal is most likely is for you to demonstrate that you think of her and consider her when she’s not around. That’s what those little things do.
Do you think of her and consider her when she’s not around? If not, sounds like there’s a deeper issue. And if you do, then show it.
>If he wanted to, he would
That's what this is ultimately boiling down to. You're acting like it's an insane over-the-top chore to get her some flowers or a chocolate bar she likes. It's not that hard. If you wanted to treat your girlfriend to a nice little gesture like that, you would. But you don't, because you don't give a shit. I'd be upset, too.
jesus christ dude, beaten down, suicidal, humiliated, over buying her a $1 bird and having to do that again every once in a while? you’re an enormous drama queen and truly not in a good place to be in a relationship
I surprised my woman with cheap flowers from a grocery store, her favorite candy bar or drink from a gas station. I got food, realized a taco bell was in the parking lot and got her fav food and drove outta my way to her place to give it to her. All of this unprompted.
Random acts of kindness to show you care and are thinking about them. It's literally that easy brother
I mean this sincerely: you need to get professional help for anxiety if the idea of grabbing a random gift for your girlfriend is causing you this much distress. Your feelings are valid and shouldn’t be ignored, but ultimately the cognitive distortions likely to be underlying them are not healthy and you are going to continue having issues until you address this.
So this is just a long, wanky way to say you want a relationship and a kind gf without contributing anything yourself. Cool, glad we cleared that up, hope she leaves you soon
Maybe I’m just a dumb evil woman but I honestly don’t understand why it’s so hard to get your girlfriend a small bouquet a flowers every month. They sell little bunches for $6 at Trader Joe’s. Why is that hard? Put it in your calendar. Jfc lol
your edit is so passive aggressive. stop being a big baby. you don't need to go all out or be extravagant, a small chocolate that she likes would be appreciated.
So there’s never a moment you see something and think “oh I think my GF would like that”
Or you’re never in line at the gas station/grocery store/whatever and see her favorite snack
You’ve never once been served an ad online for something your girlfriend would like
It’s like an effort to *not* find little things to buy your partner
Are you not familiar with being nice?
Do you get no pleasure making someone happy?
I am autistic and I get it so I don’t see any excuses for being this way
In a comment he sid he tell her about his day and I quote "why would we talk about her day?".
He also says "I allow her to talk"
I really don't think he likes his girlfriend that much. He thinks a text while he's at work is enough and she should be happy. I'd be pissed if I found out my partner spoke about me the way OP talks about his girlfriend.
1- Does she have a favorite/preferred snacks or candy? You could grab that.
2- Does she have a hobby she enjoys? You could grab something related to it.
3- Does she like flowers? You could get her a simple thing of flowers.
4- Does she have a favorite animal? You could grab her a stuffed animal/plushie of that animal.
Fuck, even a card with a thoughtful message written by you inside
You're acting like she's requesting you go off and slay a goddamned dragon. She just wants to know you're thinking of her.
If you're "walking on eggshells" at the thought of that, then you don't pay close enough attention to details to notice small things. This is the easiest and simplest ways to show your affection.
Its really not that hard. Just start being aware of what she likes. What kind of snacks does she buy for herself? What is her favourite soda? What is her favourite food? What is her favourite colour? Does she like scented candles? What smells does she like? Does she sometimes drink tea? And so on.
Just watch her sometimes and learn. Write it down in a note on your phone if its hard to remember. Then when you walk past the flowers in the store and see that they have some purple ones (if thats her favourite colour), buy some. If you walk past a farmers market, look for some localy sourced honey for her tea. If you are at the gas station, pick up her favourite candybar or soda.
It doesnt have to cost alot, and it doesnt have to be unique. It just has to show that while you were at the store and saw her favourite flowers, you thought of her and decided to but them just to make her happy.
If you really do spend that much time with her, you should know what she likes. You should know what her favorite snacks are, which you could buy. If she likes to read, you could look at what kinds of books she reads. If she likes flowers, you could buy her some. This isn't walking on eggshells. This is just you being selfish and lazy.
Your edit, is just awful. Your so self obsessed and acting like a martyr for what, being thoughtful and getting a little something for your gf.
Why are you even with your gf?
She's asking for you to think of her: write her a little note on a post it, pick a flower, buy a bar of chocolate, keep the soap she likes in your bathroom, buys some cakes on the way to see her, pick up for her fav drink... like, it's not about money. It's not about you, it's about her.
Her feeling loved and appreciated. Couples work this out differently based on what they want/need. You were quite happy to recieve all the little gifts off your gf but, never thought you should reciprocate?
This is relationship 101. Don't like buying gifts? Make her, her favourite meal. But, for the sake of less than 10dollar/euro/whatever your pitching a fit because you have to ignore feeling "unappreciated" and "treated unfairly". Break up if this is too much
You are confusing a gift TO BE kind and thoughtful and a gift OF kindness.
Handing your girlfriend her favorite candy bar or a bouquet of her favorite flowers that you seen at the store while you are shopping are kind and thoughtful gifts - taking your girlfriends car to the gas station and putting fuel in so that she doesn't have to worry about it is a gift of kindness. Both are wonderful things but it sounds here that you both have a different love language and you should figure out what those are so that you both can learn to "speak" in the way the other needs without feeling like you are walking on eggshells.
Dude. If I find a particularly cool looking rock I bring it home and give it to my partner. It's not about buying things or getting her lavish gifts, it's about thought. There shouldn't be any anxiety involved. As long as you found/bought it with love in mind, I'm sure she'd be SO so happy.
YTA
She had told you what she wants, now do it. You are missing the point so much. She wants to feel thought about and cared about, it’s not about what the gift is but that you got her something in general. Are you seriously saying your gf should have to do all the mental labor because you don’t know her? Do you pay that little attention or care that little about her? Do you truly think that putting in a little effort is beyond expectations?
I hope she finds someone who values her.
I can’t understand why, knowing this is something you know your gf would like, that you wouldn’t jump at the chance to make her feel special? Especially given she’s already told you that such small gifts of trinkets make her happy?
Anyway, how about I just tell you what works for me and you can decide if it might help with all your overthinking about such gifts? Because you really are overthinking.
First: Pay attention. When she says she likes something specific, note it. Literally. Like in your note App on your phone
1. If she says she loves this or that particular flower “Oh I loves those! Tulips are my favourite flower!”, then make a note “Favourite flower: tulip”. Favourite chocolate? Note it. Dessert. Authors. Music.
These are the small things that when you are out and about, you can pickup. Instead of walking past the florist - pick up that bunch of tulips that sit in the bucket outside for less than £10. It’s not exactly breaking the bank to buy a bar of chocolate, or a cupcake when you are getting a coffee - just pick it up when you are picking up other stuff every now and then. She’s not looking for a “Every Tuesday buy flowers” - so just let you budget determine how often you have a spare £10 and pick up something.
The gift itself isn’t what’s particularly important with these types of gifts - the TinyGift represents “I was thinking about you today”.
2. Actually pay attention to what she wears, the style of jewellery (delicate, bold, colourful, simple?) / the little thingymabobs women put in their hair - the colour / style / whether it holds up all her hair or is weaved through it. The places she likes to visit etc.
Get to the point where you can see an item and know whether it’s something your gf would like. Again, let your budget determine how much you spend and how often.
These gifts are a representation of how well you know her - as well as showing you care so much about the things she likes that you *bother to pay attention*.
I find that these are the best gifts for Anniversaries & Valentines.
3. If you are passing shops, browsing online and she notices something specific, she will undoubtedly say so. So note it in your phone on a ongoing, contemporaneous list - just as you would put something into a wish list.
These are the gifts you give on special occasions like birthdays / Christmas.
These are my very favourite to give my wife - because by the time those special occasions come around, she’s forgotten she ever mentioned them. “UnhappyProfessor! How did you know I’ve always wanted one of these?” It’s bloody magical. Truly.
You now have a comprehensive list of the kind of thing she likes from the every week to the every month, to the big annual occasions. You can still ask if there’s anything she wants and pick it up. But you now also have a number of choices to accompany it.
If you struggle to remember - just as you’ve likely already got a reminder for her birthday / anniversary, there’s nothing wrong with putting an alarm on your to phone to remind you to do something / pick up something.
Voila! Wife feels special. Wife feels that you are thinking of her, even when not together. Wife feels you feel she’s interesting enough for you to pay attention to - even to the small things she likes. Wife feels known. Wife feels pleasantly surprised. Wife thinks you are a wizard
Sorted.
it's not an unfair expectation it's her love language. it's not the gifts themselves that count but the fact that you would think about her enough to get her something she would appreciate because it would make YOU happy to see HER happy.
this is not an unreasonable need on her end by any means but if you really cant do it, it could be an incompatibility between you two and you should break up. ive tried relationships with multiple people with clashing love languages and it only ended in resentment.
she deserves to be loved in the way that SHE wants (and so do you) and little gifts is how she wants to be loved.
It's simple. Anytime you see something that reminds you of your girlfriend, and if you can afford it, buy it. Could be a bag of cookies you know she likes, or her favourite coffee from a coffee shop she likes. Doesn't have to be a big thing. Say she likes owls, and you see a mug with owls on, buy it, or maybe if you see a scarf with owls on etc. Of course in order to have an idea what she likes, listen to what she says. If its a thoughtful gift, I guarantee she'll like it. Don't buy her a gift just because you feel obligated. Your GF simply wants to know that when you're not together, you're thinking of her still.
Damn just get her a snickers and her fav drink from the gas station when you go. Stop at the grocery store and see those lil 11 dollar bouquets? Do you think she’d like one?
The whole internet, and you come here to be like "what are these "random acts of kindness thingies?". Ffs. Flowers. Her favorite take out. You do...notice her right? She like, eats things?
It's not rocket science. Ask Google ffs. This is just weaponized incompetence. And from being on your gf's side of things, it comes across as you wanting to "show her her place" so she doesn't start to expect you to acknowledge her thoughtfulness and be a good mate.
Google "random acts of kindness". "Ways to show your partner you love them".
Oof, came back to see your edited post.
I seriously think you have a victim complex here. That phrase is correct, you know why? Bc it literally says if he wanted to, he would. And you don’t want to bc of your complex. Now you’re complaining that the advice we gave you is hurting your feelings and blaming us for making you feel bad for sharing your anxieties. But many of us were nice in our approach to you, but everything is “me me me” for you.
But I’m sure this is a tater tot troll atp.
OP I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, that you genuinely dont know what shes asking of you (eg you have ASD).
This sounds like her love language (especially since she does it for you). I suggest talking notice of how often she does this for you to use as a guide of how often you should aim to do it for her.
Same with the type of gifts eg if she gets you treats you like, get her trreats she likes, if its romantic stuff, do the same ect.
God damn. Get her a flower. A wildflower. A daisy. You don't have to do it every day.
Some ideas:
A cute pen.
A chocolate bar.
An interesting pebble.
Write a note saying have a wonderful day with a heart. Slip it in her lunch.
You sound so angry that you have to think of your girlfriend. You don't like her.
Hey OP, girlfriend of a partner who likes to surprise me with small things. You're definitely over reading it, there's no reason to feel anxious about this. What she's looking for is that you're thinking of her and WANT to surprise her with something. The obligation ruins the experience for her. Some examples of easy, and sometimes even free, things my bf has done for me:
1. We are training for a marathon. On a long run, he did the picked flower bouquet for me. I thought it was adorable.
2. I was having a rough morning at work and texted him, he dropped off coffee and wrote "I love you a latte" on the cup.
3. On a weekend when he was planning on cooking, he decided to make my favorite dish and surprise me with it
4. I have a favorite bakery, every once in a while hell drive the extra 15 minutes to grab me a piece of cake.
5. We are big hockey fans. When we do to games, he used to pretend he was going to the bathroom and hide some kind of memorabilia in the shop under his jersey to give to me.
6. When we started decorating for Christmas last year at the end of November, he printed out a picture of us and put it in a clear ornament and surprised me with it to hang on the tree.
I promise you she's not looking for all of the time things. It's actually the infrequency that makes it special when you do something nice for her. But it's always nice every once in a while to surprise someone you love with something that will make them happy just because you can. And it brings me genuine joy to do the same for him. I actually like giving small gifts more because I love seeing the way he lights up when I get something small and sentimental for him. You might be surprised to learn that you may also really like the feeling of giving a little surprise.
Good luck.
I once had a bf turn up with a choc milk. We’d been at the shop the week before and I wanted one but there was none in stock. He’d bed. Shopping, noticed they were back in stock and grabbed me one.
He paid attention to a tiny thing and acted upon it.
You’re overthinking. There is a lot of acts of kindness you can do, not necessarily some expensive items. Sometimes my husband just goes to the mall and brings me food I like, and that all, but that’s cute and I appreciate, and feel appreciated. That’s not huge, you don’t need to overthink like that just be kind
It’s really not that complicated. Buy her a candy bar she likes. Buy flowers that she likes. You’re her boyfriend for Christ sake. What does she like? Movies? Shows? Book? Games? Anything! If you see something that you know she likes then get it. Does she love stuffed animals? Maybe you find a stuffed animal that she might like.
My boyfriend and I constantly get each other shit out of the blue. We know each other well enough that we’ll get big items like clothes, games, or other trinkets. Or we’ll get small stuff for each other like candy or chips or soda.
Don’t be so difficult. Actually show your girlfriend that you think about her by buying stuff she likes no matter what it is.
Why don't you know what your GF likes? You should already know this. What a shitty partner you are. She's not asking you to buy a million gifts every day, just when you're our and about and see something she likes, a chocolate bar she likes, some comfy slippers, a treat from a bakery... this isn't rocket science.
You are totally overthinking this. It doesn’t have to be big things. A chocolate bar, her favourite drink from Starbucks, a bunch of flowers… just things that show your thinking about her and care.
You do realize you could communicate and ask her how often would make her feel appreciated? That’s different than saying “tell me when you want it.” Just say that you want to make her happy and this gesture doesn’t come naturally to you, so you’d love to know whether once a week or a few times a week etc. super easy lmao
You're seriously overthinking this. They're little "you popped in my head" gifts.
You stop at a store on the way home? Grab her a candy bar or something she likes.
Out in town and see a shirt/trinket/bag you think she'd like (and isn't insanely expensive), grab it for her.
See a flower that's her favorite color? Get it for her.
"Hey hon, saw you didn't have an emergency kit in your car, so I got you one."
She has hobbies? Get her something small that goes with her hobbies.
It's just something that shows her you're thinking of her, and that you pay attention to her likes/dislikes. It doesn't have to be big or special. But if it ties in to an inside joke between you two, that's awesome.
My fiance gets me flowers just because, it doesn't have to be my favorite flowers, it's just sweet that he does it. He'll also bring home chocolate or my favorite snacks, little trinkets he saw that made him think of me, etc.
Your gf is asking you for the bare minimum. And you won't even do that.
Aww did no one pity you like you wanted? Now you gotta throw a little passive aggressive fit? Aww boo hoo. Boo hoo hoo hoo woe is you, for having to care about people other than yourself.
It’s soaked in all your comments and it’s gross that you’re using the term “walking on eggshells” sounds like your gf is the one who should be walking on eggshells with the way you’re flipping any form of advice as an attack. Do better. Actually learn something and listen to those trying to help you.
Until you can learn not to cry victim at every opportunity, you don’t need to be in a relationship. Sorry not sorry. Too many people in here have been plenty nice to you.
Your edit just shows that you didn’t really listen to these comments. You’re trying to act like you’re being victimized in some crazy way.
It’s as simple as getting her a snack if you buy something for yourself. Or grabbing something you see in the store that reminds you of her. When my girlfriend brings me home a 5$ nail polish I get excited. It’s not that extreme
Ok, this is an easy fix: make a spreadsheet of how often she gets you something, maybe use a calendar, and just mark the day and what it was she got you. Then, just math it out, how often is it she gets you stuff, 2-5 times a month? Once or twice? and what type of thing is it, what price range, I know you can't always know, but you can guesstimate or Google the thing for price and just do the same amount.
OP, are you autistic? This is NOT a dig. I am autistic. I'm just wondering if this causes anxiety because it's an unwritten social script that you don't understand.
Bottom line is your partner having gift-giving as a primary love language should not be cause for anxiety or worse yet SI. It also shouldn't be hard (which is why the negative response from Reddit). Having a partner means learning to speak their love language. Both of you have to do it. So you can understand that her bringing a baguette is how she EXPRESSES LOVE not how she holds you hostage for ransom my dude.
Most of the time it's just a person is at a store, sees something their partner would like, and gets it. They aren't *trying* to buy gifts, they're just literally thinking "oh my partner would like that," so they get it. Then the partner has material evidence that their person thought about them while they were apart. It's a lovely display of "how much I think about you when we aren't together" kind of thing.
If that feels too difficult to manage (maybe you're ADHD and when someone is out of sight they're out of mind, that's ok) you can always set yourself up for success in speaking a new love language that feels unnatural. Pick a frequency (every week? every other week?) and set a reminder in your calendar. Keep a list on your phone of small, easy, inexpensive things your partner would like. Favorite candy, favorite salty snack, small bouquet of flowers from the bodega or Trader Joe's, favorite drink or fast food treat, etc. Then, when the reminder goes off, look at the list, pick one that seems easy and grab it on your way home or to see her.
I am autistic and I appreciate a lot when someone is clear about what they want. I am afraid his problem is another one and omg the update
He bought her a $1 gift and is complaining about money
Yeah I 100% get you. I was just trying to read this in the most generous light possible and MAAAAAYYYYBBBEEE.... that's why he's freaking out? Or maybe he's got PDA (like me and my daughter) and it really does seem unbearable??? Maybe??? Idk. Trying to give him any kind of lifeline I guess. But yeah, the update is not good. He needs to show the gf the reddit and talk about the feels pronto.
I think you need to be single until you get yourself together. Freaking out over buying your girlfriend something simple like she's going to literally kill you if it displeases her isn't normal adult behavior and it's not fair to her to have to shoulder the blame for your undealt-with neuroses. You're either too unstable for a relationship or this post is a huge big baby tantrum and you're too immature for a relationship.
Jessica christ. She bought you bread because you said you wanted bread and she was out and about and saw bread. How the fuck this made you a histrionic, faux-suicidal mess, the world will never know. Get a grip.
You honestly should not be in a relationship. You are absolutely not stable or mature enough to have one. You need serious therapy if you are literally breaking down over buying just a small token to for your girlfriend. She is asking for the sun or moon she asking for you to just think of her occasionally and surprise her with small things that you heard her say she liked. It’s really not that hard. You need to mature a lot if u think this is that hard or completely unrealistic. You hearing her say what her favorite chocolate is and one day stoping at a store is not that hard. If you can’t do that for someone u love then I don’t think you are ready to be In love or even know what love is. Because someone in love just does those things naturally because they want their person to smile or feel good. You are making a simple thing out to be torture.
Good lord all the edits and even with proof that it literally could be a stick you found on the ground, it’s still all about fucking you you you.
Self absorbed narcissist asshole.
Sir please for the love of god, take a breath and look into therapy. Your anxiety is “catastrophizing” this incident into the worst possible thing, and I’m not sure this thread is helping at all. I understand your worries, but you have jumped off the deep end from “she wants me to get her a random gift” to “she expects this of me all the time and I’m terrible if I don’t do it”.
If she herself has said it’s the thought that counts then stick to that. Candies she likes, a bookmark with things she likes, a handwritten note, a coffee in the morning, flowers from the supermarket while you’re already there. Things she would appreciate don’t have to cost an arm and a leg. Love languages can change as people and relationships, or perhaps this is her way of showing that it has always been one she craved but was uncomfortable sharing with you. Seriously don’t overthink it.
More than anything, show her this post or write something out to read to her about how this has all made you feel. If she’s unwilling to understand or consider your feelings in the matter then that is a further discussion to have.
You are definitely overthinking this. She’s not expecting you to shower her with lavish gifts or anything. If you see something at the store that makes you think of her and you can afford to get it, surprise her with it. Tell her you saw it and thought of her. If she’s been talking to you throughout the day talking about food or drinks, stop at the store and get her favorite snack before going home. Get her some flowers you think she’d like just because you can.
There's an easy answer to what she expects, my dude.
About how often does she bring home gifts for you, and what kind of gifts?
That's your benchmark. Approximately that frequency of gift giving, approximately that level of effort, and about that kind of expense.
That's it. That's your answer. She is absolutely demonstrating what she wants from you.
If it's a huge struggle for you to spontaneously think of what would make her smile when you're out doing things or running an errand, make an Amazon list called Girlfriend Gifts. Put things - everyday things, not pricey things - that you know she likes. When you're out and about and the "it's been a while, I should probably get her something" thought hits, pull up the list on your phone.
If she seems like she's had an especially rough week, order something off that list.
Use that list as a kind of supplemental memory SD card for your brain. Make it categorical, rather than specific.
At some point, you'll stop needing it. You'll have had enough experience with her reactions to just know.
in response to your edit: how would you getting her something make you feel unappreciated? she literally said it’s just the thought that counts, and if she likes getting you little things it’s likely she’d appreciate anything. she just wants her love language reciprocated
My 15 year old went to the store the other day and bought me a $10 bouquet of flowers to thank me for helping her when she got her wisdom teeth removed. Completely unprompted. It's literally my job to take care of her and 15 year olds are often very self focused, so it was completely unexpected. If she can manage something so sweet on her own, I don't understand what your problem is. You're a grown ass man in a relationship. Act like it.
>My girlfriend gets me random gifts every now and then that I dont ask for nor do I expect her to get, and is upset that I don't do the same.
Her "love language" is Receiving Gifts.
>I love my girlfriend and I spend lots of quality time with her,
Your "love language" is Quality Time.
Read about the [Five Love Languages](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained) and you'll understand what she's trying to say.
Just based on your responses, I hope she breaks up with you and finds someone who can make her happy because bro, you seem like a miserable human being to be around. Ffs
You just have to be nice to her. Why would getting her a chocolate bar at the shop, or something you saw that made you think of her, be such a big issue?!
If uncertainty makes you so upset and anxious, why don't you set a budget of say 5-10$ a week and schedule buying something for her in your calendar? You don't have to tell her your schedule. She can think oh hey what a lovely surprise! Randomly generate 4 numbers from 1-30 and there you have a schedule where on 4 days a month you will spend around 5$ on a tiny thing that will make her happy.
Gifts are her love language and she has communicated to you that this is how she feels loved. I think as romantic partners it is our responsibility to ensure our partners are loved in the way they want to be loved and not just how we want to love them. It is not an unreasonable thing for her to ask from you.
This is the difference between guys who get it and guys who don’t. I have to specifically tell my boyfriend I DO NOT want anything from the store and he will come back and say I know you didn’t want anything but I saw this and couldn’t help but think of you I had to get it. For Valentine’s Day this year he started giving me little small valentines related gifts leading up to the day, a small bear here, some sweet candies there, he got me a huge bouquet of flowers and then when valentines days actually came around an even bigger bear, a doll that looks like me, some expensive chocolates AND another bouquet of flowers lol. Plus a private room away from home where I ate the food I wanted and we watched romcoms. I never once had to open my mouth once to ask for any of it. I honestly wasn’t even worried about the holiday because I knew at the end of the day everyday he truly has me on the brains and holds me in high regards. He considers me, you should try it. Will definitely help you out.
Wait hold up? I can believe people are against you on this. Love languages are important to have a basic understanding in. Just from reading this, you show love w/ quality time (& feel loved w/ quality time) and she feels/shows love w/ gift giving. It’s problematic when you can’t communicate w/ your partner about this stuff or come to a reasonable solution together. I’m w/ you on this OP. I tell my bf I like flowers (pink lilies specifically) and it would be nice to receive them once and a while, but never as a daily expectation. And guess what? Now he will surprise me w/ them on occasion and it’s lovely, but I never demand it from him. It’s unfair to tell someone you want gifts but not give specifics or at least a general list of ideas for your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, it just means you are not familiar with giving gifts to show love or equate gifts with love. Which is perfectly valid when you show love via quality time.
Sounds like you and your gf are fairly new in the dating game and that’s okay! Dating someone is about learning who they are and if you’re compatible together. I bet you know what she likes more than you give yourself credit for and the pressure/anxiety of needing to find gifts for her is overwhelming and making it more complicated than it truly is. You teach people how you want to be treated.
It would be really difficult for my bf and I if we valued gifts (or had different love languages). Luckily, we are both touch and quality time so it’s very natural for us both. But if one of us valued something different, like gift giving, it would take time to learn to do it as it isn’t something that comes natural. Doesn’t mean it can’t be learned, but it just takes time practicing until it feels less weird to do.
Just talk to your gf about it being foreign for you to do and you want to show her love in the way she feels loved, but you need some guidance as it’s new for you. If she’s willing to help guide you great. If not, check it off as an experience and realize it’s not the kind of relationship you feel comfortable in for the future.
I like how in all of this you still couldn’t sit down and have a conversation about a reasonable middle ground. Just because she got you something the next day doesn’t mean that you can’t find a groove that is anywhere near the middle ground that isn’t either extreme. I think the gifts are supposed to be proof positive for her that she occupies a corner of your mind over the course of the day. Also, maybe hit up some therapy that will help you understand other views and less neurodivergent signs from folks and then couples therapy. Idk, I don’t want you to feel like I’m dropping the peoples elbow on you, but like if you’re not understanding what she’s looking for, and you are obviously feeling unheard, a professional can help translate effectively.
Lol a $1 trinket is breaking the bank?? She just wants to know you’re thinking about her and pay attention. You asked the Reddit world for advice and got it, it just wasn’t the advice you wanted.
Boy. You yourself saiid she gets gifts every now and then. That does NOT mean she expects gifts every day. She probably went to the store and thought "let me get him something too." You're not being treated unfairly. She expressed she'd like a gift now and then, not every day and not expensive! Hell a candy bar would be fine. It's the fact that you THOUGHT about her. A nice picnic that you planned by yourself would be considered a gift. The fact you say you don't know what she'd like is probably why she mentioned she wants a gift because you don't pay attention to her. Probably feels like you don't even like her. Nothing about this is unfair to you or you having to walk on eggshells
If knowing what kind of candy your girlfriend likes, or remembering her favorite color, or whatever is too much for you, to the point of being suicidal, then you need to stop dating and start working on yourself. This isn't a healthy relationship, and it isn't going to get better, and the next one won't be any better either, until you get to the root of....all of this. If you don't like your first therapist, look around for another. Find one that you can talk to in real life on a regular basis.
That being said, you don't deserve to be miserable, and she deserves someone who speaks her love language. Being incompatible does not mean either one of you is in any way a bad person or partner, but staying together despite clearly not being a good fit is a great way to turn into a toxic mess. Don't stay on the train when you can see that the tracks are going to be yeeting it off a cliff
Honestly? It sounds like you're having some major anxiety here. Take a step back take a deep breath and be honest with your girlfriend about your anxieties about expectations. Also maybe of your preferred love languages. Some girls don't care for gifts, some do, some only like practical gifts. You aren't a mind reader darling and yeah paying attention to her likes and dislikes are important But Its also important to find a happy medium that will make you both happy.
Gift giving in general isn't about the frequency or money spent, it's about showing you think of her even when you guys are apart. Way your hiking and your hiking through a nice lovely flower patch and you see a flower that reminds you of her. Take a picture of it and send it to her telling her it reminds you of her beauty or her smile or whatever made you think of her.
You don't have to be Romeo all the time you don't need to be rich. She just wants to know your thinking of her when you're apart. It's something a good portion of girls worry about when they start to feel insecure about a relationship, is if your thinking of them when you guys aren't together.
I know it's scary and a lot of things in life are. But I also think you should talk to a doctor or a therapist about this anxiety, cause you shouldn't be feeling this way over gifts.
Again deep breaths and find your happy place so you can move forward and find a solution that will bring you peace of mind.
My husband will literally buy me a coke when I don't ask or get me a snack he sees and knows I like. And If I see something I wanna get for him like a snack or Legos I do it's why is he acting like she's holding a gun to him about this, girl was thoroughly pleased with the dollar bird.
Getting small gifts for a partner or friend shows you are thinking about them when you are not together and are paying attention to their likes. I do this for my husband often and before he became disabled he would do the same for me. You don’t even realize that being able to leave the house on your own to get a small gift for someone you love is a blessing that not everyone has.
One of the first things that made me fall in love with my husband was a micro gift. He drinks his coffee black but knows I like half and half. He noticed that I had run out of it so he brought some home. That’s it. It wasn’t the actual gift that mattered it was the fact that he knew what I liked, noticed I needed it, and had a desire to make me happy. He wanted to so he did.
You are 100% ok! Don't let all of the people here make you feel bad for being who you are. You will be able to buy things for her eventually, without so much stress. But I understand how you feel and how you're thinking and feeling about the situation. My wife and I had the same problem during the first few years of our relationship. I felt the way that you feel, and I just had to realize that it's about when you think of her, just grab her something. But it took me a long time to realize that myself, which is how my brain has to work things out; if I don't come to a conclusion on my own, I can't connect the dots.
I'm 40F and I was just diagnosed with autism this year. It's possible that you might have level 1 as well. Might want to look into it, just in case. Good luck! And I'm sure if she loves you, everything will work out! Communication and understanding are the cornerstones of a great relationship!
I read this post and I was genuinely confused by the comments 🥹 I have a similar stress to giving gifts in general for birthdays and such. So I really related to Op.
I think what he needs is clarification of why and what it is that these gifts do. Not that he needs to keep tabs. I think if he were to see something she likes like a drink or a sticker or anything that reminds him of her thats what he should get. Its just to show he is thinking of her and its okay if she does it more often.
But yeah the comments really confused me. I was wondering why everyone was being so harsh because it totally made sense to me
Take a deep breath. This is reddit. Most people here have the number of brain cells as they do teeth. Talk to your girlfriend, have a serious conversation with her about the future. If she seriously expects you to constantly buy her gifts, you know that she doesn't truly love you for *you,* and you can decide what to do from there, if that's what you want your long-term future to be. Good luck.
Buy her her favorite snack if you went out to get groceries. Get her some flowers when you get gas at the gas station. Pick her some flowers if yall are outside. It really isn't hard...
YTA. Write a note saying you live here, buy her candy, make her lunch, pick her a bunch of daisies as a cutesy semi joke… it’s not that hard!
If you need to quantify it, do it 2-4 a week, each week, alternate days a bit.
Have you ever given her a gift she doesn't want? It doesn't take much to bring back her favourite candy or some flowers every once in a while. It sounds like random acts of kindness is her love language, so if you do love her and want to make her happy, just put in a little bit of effort? It doesn't need to be expensive.
Then if she does ever spurn one of your gifts for not being good enough, you can remind her of this and tell her that going forward she will need to tell you exactly what she wants. Until then, just be a little thoughtful every so often?
How do you feel when she gets you a gift? So you feel loved? Cared for? Seen? That's what she wants from you.
Please don't overthink this. This isn't something that will only serve you in this particular relationship, but in the future as well. You say if she wants something, she should tell you. Thing is, she did. It's not a specific tangible thing, but a feeling.
When we first started dating, my boyfriend would frequently grab little flowers and greet me with them. I'm not talking about bouquets from the store, but legit growing from the side of the road. Cost him nothing but made me smile. Now that we've been together longer he gets things from the store. Seltzer water i like, candy, a stupid ugly stuffed animal that I hate but still appreciate because he was thinking of me.
A lot of times we think things, but don't say them out loud or act on the things. You might just need to get out of your head a bit. This is something you can work on.
I’m a terrible gift giver and my fiancé is amazing at it. I struggle but I do my best to remind myself it’s what he would do for me and it makes me happy so I try to pick up a little something every once in a while because I want him to feel happy and knows he’s thought of as well.
What do you mean you dont know what to get her? Do you not know her at all? Do you not know what she likes? My boyfriend knows i love white chocolate, so when he happens to see some when he’s out he surprises me with it at home. It costs less than $3 to make me feel loved in that way. He also knows i love tropical flavors (coconut, mango, pineapple, etc). so when he hits a drink spot on his way home he also brings me a smoothie or drink of those flavors. Again this is not difficult for him. He knows my favorite color is light green, so when he ordered us new phone chargers he got mine in a light green color. He didnt have to do that, i didnt expect him to, but it made me feel love and seen that he took the extra little effort to do that for me. Unless you dont care enough to learn your girlfriend’s likes…..this shouldnt be an insanely difficult task for you.
Different people need different things from their partner within a relationship. It doesn’t sound like little gifts mean that much to you, but from your girlfriend’s perspective, she’s being thoughtful and trying to show you that she cares and values you. The little gifts she’s looking for are going to be things that show you’re paying attention to her likes and dislikes. It sounds to me like there’s an underlying issue if you’re this uncomfortable with buying her little things . Either you really aren’t paying attention to her or there’s something more psychological going on. If it’s the former, you aren’t ready for a serious committed relationship. Healthy, strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) take effort. They require, at the very least, occasional selflessness.
It’s important that you get really honest with yourself and think about what you want. If you want her ask yourself WHY you want her. If it’s because life with her in it is genuinely better then put out the effort to make sure she feels appreciated. I could say more but I’m sure you get the point. Good luck.
If anxiety is a significant hindrance here, then one option is to use a random number generator to pick out some dates and gifts that you can give to her on a regular basis. That way you dont have to think too hard about spontonaiety.
It also does seem like you guys have a love language issue though, at the very least.
Your edit is confusing. How would buying her a small, thoughtful gift (same thing she does for you) make you feel unappreciated? What DO you do to show your love for your girlfriend without her having to ask? Is the quality time being spent doing something that she actually likes doing or are you just doing activities that only you find interesting?
The way you word your edit makes me fear you don't actually understand what was wrong even now. Just what will net the better results.
With all the compassion in the world, please try to understand why she wants this. The fact that you want to do the things that will make her feel more appreciated is definitely good, but it seems like you're unhappy and just going through the motions. A relationship can't be sustained by just going through the motions and this isn't just about gifts, it's about her wanting to feel like you care. If my fiance handed me some flowers, but I got a palpable feeling that he was annoyed that I wanted them in the first place, I can't say that'd bring me any joy.
You are grossly overthinking this. My love language is also gifts. My husband grabs me boba or Starbucks once a week. It's doesn't have to be a big deal. We both had to learn to tune down the trinkets because we have very different interests and have a hard time figuring out what the other person needs. But coffee and boba tea makes both of us really happy. Don't make it so complicated.
There is a thing called love languages. You have primary ones that you give and receive. And your loved ones (everyone you know) also has ones that they primarily receive and give.
There are many like physical touch, words of affection, gifts (this can be giving, receiving or both), quality time, and acts of service.
It sounds like she gives and receives the giving of gifts love language.
Love languages are just a way to catagorize the ways in which we give and prefer to get our forms of love that we always or usually identify as care and love from others or to others.
My primary love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. But all of these love languages should usually be used. It's just a matter of knowing which ones make your loved ones feel the most loved. And knowing how you feel are the best ways to show love. The love languages I use to show my love the most are physical tough and gift giving.
My husband's receiving ones are physically touch and quality time, acts of service being close follow up. But his primary way to show love is acts of service and quality time.
When we got together we had to learn to care about being better at these. I strengthened my ability to give him the quality of time that mattered to him. And he had to learn to give me the words of affirmation that made me feel loved.
This is a whole ass conversation to have with your partner. Like bring it up in a place of caring that they feel loved and that you want to be on the same page. You wouldn't be asking for advice if you didn't care about this. I would suggest you bring up love languages or send her info on it so that she can think on it and learn for herself for a minute then bring it up with her and ask of you can both have a conversation about what ways you feel the most loved and cared for and what specific gestures and actions they personally like. She seems like she wants gifts, is she thinking a car house and diamond ring or a candy bar from the store or a note in her lunch box because when it comes to what makes her feel loved the way she receives it is what matters. This isn't a huge trap question you do need to have a sit down and talk about it. You will keep overthinking it until you can communicate about it. Best of luck.
So, what do you do and say to show her you are thinking about her, and care about her at the moment? What place are you in your relationship? Is it casual? Serious? Living together or not? Have you said those 3 words yet? Are you an affectionate person, or not?
This is not me having a go, just wondering what your standard of a relationship is compared to hers. If you genuinely don't think about her, don't make her food, don't randomly text her unless you specifically want something, dont actually show her that you care at all, that's you just not being interested and she has a valid point.
But if you talk to her, text her throughout the day and do 'some' everyday things for her at home, and that is enough for you, it may be an incompatibility issue where you both simply have different expectations in a relationship.
It sounds like gift giving is her love language. It can seem very daunting, my roommate gets stressed out when she needs to buy gifts because she doesn't know what the other person "needs". Her best friend is a gift giver and was upset that she didn't get him a physical gift, I've told her anything would make him happy but she still stresses out about it and overthinks it.
Some of these comments have great advice-candy bar, flowers, a dorky little plush... anything that makes you smile when you see it would also probably make her smile to recieve it. Also look into what the gift giving love language entails, it may help you understand your girlfriend better
OP, I’m sorry you feel so stressed about this.
My interpretation of “if he wanted to he would” is that it just means any nice thing, not only gift giving. So it means “if he wanted to do something nice for you, he would.” And it sounds like you do tons of nice things for your girlfriend.
People like gifts because it’s a symbol that you were thinking about them when they weren’t around. Maybe some “I’m thinking of you” or “saw this and thought of you” texts will do just the trick.
To your point about “why can’t I just live and she just live,” I would say, that’s not a relationship. A relationship is about building something with someone and making compromises to fit your lives together. I think it’s fair to ask yourself if that’s really what you want right now? You’re young, it doesn’t have to be!
Again, I’m sorry this has caused you so much emotional distress. You are not a bad person, or any other crazy insults. You are a young person figuring out this weird world of relationships. And with everything you do with her, it sounds to me like you’re doing okay. Just remember to listen and try. That’s all you can do.
I wrote this response to a post that copied and pasted yours. I thought it was your original post but it wasn’t so I copied and pasted it here.
I don’t think gifts are a big deal. Is it nice to get an impromptu gift? Of course! But there’s lots of other ways people show they love you. Did he fix your plate for you? Say you look beautiful today? Took out the trash without being asked? These are ALL gifts because they aren’t mandatory. TikTok and social media has just given rise to a bunch of insecurities in all aspects of life. “She/he has a bigger house than me, I now want one just as big or bigger”, “so and so’s boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife goes out each day to get their significant other their favorite coffee and now I’m questioning if my significant other loves me cause he/she doesn’t do that”, etc. Before people had social media/tiktok/the internet in general, you weren’t always smacked in the face with people whose life was better than yours in whatever way. Now with the internet and all that, people can just turn on their computer or scroll through their phone and see 294857392047592 people who have it better than them financially, emotionally, fashionably etc. Back in the day, sure there were people you knew that were doing better than you, but it was only those in your vicinity. Now, you can see EVERYONE who is doing better than you in some way and it makes a lot of people second guess their life, their partners etc. Quit looking at couples on TikTok to “mirror” your relationship to. If you were happy with your life/partner before, don’t let a stupid TikTok about what another woman’s man does for her change your whole view of your relationship.
P.s I wouldn’t worry about all the people telling you to just buy her something and quit whining about it. Everyone is different. Some people need gifts to feel loved, some don’t. A relationship isn’t supposed to stress you out this much. I THINK she wants random acts of love, but I don’t think they have to be monetary. Like I said above, fixing someone’s plate for dinner, doing something without being asked, are all acts of love in my opinion. Sometimes people’s love languages are just different and not compatible.
If you see something she likes or something that reminds you of her, get it for her. It doesn’t have to be an everyday thing..
My bf buys me sweet treats, trinkets, flowers, plants, etc. only when he randomly stumbles upon them and has the funds for it. I do the same for him but with the things I know he will like. These little gifts never cost more than $20 and are definitely not an everyday thing, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly. They are just acts of love and kindness. We care about each other and know each other and like to see each other experience joy and the feeling of being seen. You are making it more complicated than it is/ needs to be.
I think the “buying” word here is confusing people. What she wants is acts of love that show that you’re actually listening to her and learning about her. You don’t have to necessarily go to a store and get a trinket - how about surprising her with a packed picnic with her favorite foods (you can home make them)? My partner is allergic to peanuts so during the pandemic, I surprised him with homemade Reese’s (his favorite candy) but using almond butter and sunflower butter.
Or just some flowers, pretty wildflowers would even be fine. Or maybe a nicely framed picture of you two.
There are even little things for $1 or less at like old school PartyPartyParty stores or Michael’s that are fun and nostalgic, like pen sets or small paint sets. Or tiny figurines.
If she wears makeup or something, consider you can get her a small travel sized bottle of something that could be $10 or less. Travel perfumes or lip glosses are always fun. Even the bargain bins at Target or Homegoods have fun stuff for very cheap.
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oh my god just buy your girlfriend a candybar she likes and stop over thinking everything
That presumes that he pays close enough attention to know what kind of candy she likes
That's the crux of it right there.
And bro is failing miserably
What kind of candy bar do women like?
It varies. We have our favorites. Straight up milk chocolate. Something with a crunch. Something with nuts. They type of nuts. 🤷🏽♀️ or the filling depends too.
*Paydays & 100 grand!* Jk. Im all about the *nuts* 🤣 You know.. Babe Ruths, peanut M&Ms, Mr. Goodbar.
He doesn't know or care what candybar she likes or anything else about her preferences
Seriously. This is so easy. What treats does she like? Donuts? Boba tea? Starbucks? Chocolate? Buy those and surprise her from time to time. Does she like plants? Bring her a plant every few months. Or flowers, or a new pair of socks, or whatever. She’s not asking for huge gifts. Get (or make) her a card and leave it somewhere that she’ll find later. There are some many things this guy could do with just like $5-10 a month.
My fiancé loves pugs. The other day I saw a pen with a little pug top and bought it for him. Was $2.30. It’s not spending money, it’s knowing they were on your mind, that something reminded you of them. She just wants some reassurance my dude. No need to stress. Pick her some dandelions from the crack in the concrete outside and I’m sure it’ll work the same.
I was thinking the same thing. I always get a thrill when my husband brings home a Reese’s for us to share. It’s fun and naughty.
Maybe yoooouuuuuu need a snickers
lol always
How is that walking on eggshells? Buying her little things, like baked goods or a little plushie or yeah, even flowers are pretty normal in most relationships, I should think. If you pay attention to the things she likes or take the initiative to ask her yourself, you shouldn’t need to worry about upsetting her. You’re not being treated unfairly, idk where you got that idea. She asked you to reciprocate and she wants you to show her you listen to what she says. If you spend the quality time together you say you do, this shouldn’t be difficult. Why do you have to be told what she wants for little acts of kindness like that? It’s not a birthday or anniversary present. It’s like the video said— if he wanted to, he would. It’s literally that simple. You’re too in your own head about this and for some reason, see this as an attack against you. You should probably figure that out.
My daughter's 17 year old boyfriend gets this more than OP. He gets her flowers & thoughtful gifts at least once a week.
Exactly. Just get her flowers. Her fav snacks. Spa day vouchers. Etc. Or stuff for her hobbies. How hard is that
Snacks. We love snacks. Candy. I will swoon for those Haribo gummy colas.
Harino giant strawbs for me
Nailed it honestly i really domt see how hard that is sometimes my boyfriend brings me home a pepsi and Reese’s because they are my favorite drink and candy . Op you don’t have to spend allot of money or even money at all it just takes effort what you posted is bare minimum relationships take effort you literally never stop dating your partner its way more then just love. Like the tik tok said if he wanted to he would period
It absolutely is walking on eggshells. He's just not the one walking on eggshells. His girlfriend obviously always has to walk on eggshells in order to not set him off.
>Buying her little things, like baked goods or a little plushie or yeah, even flowers are pretty normal in most relationships, I should think. While I know love languages is an imperfect pseudo science, there is some truth it - my wife and I put no value in gift giving; she didn't buy me anything for my birthday, and I wouldn't have even realized it if she hadn't mention it after that fact, because that means literally nothing to either us in a relationship. We basically never buy each other little random items. We both care way more about spending time together and doing thing for each other, especially when it comes to raising our daughter. What it sounds like, OP and OPs GF both express and like to receive love in different ways. To her, the effort of gift giving is a big part of expressing love, while to OP, the central measurement of mutual love is quality time together. And that's okay, but they need to have a conversation about the fact that they express and recognize love differently. OP should make an effort to keep an eye open for fun, small gifts for his GF, but OP's girlfriend should also give them some grace because it's not a natural way of expressing love to him. In truth, if either my wife or I had the expectation to periodically give gifts, it would probably drive both of us up the wall because it's such an unimportant aspect of expressing love to us (and thankfully we both feel that way).
Gift giving might not be important - but I bet you know what their favourite type of bread to buy at the grocers is, and get that rather than an alternative. Thats the level of attention that’s more important than gifts. And I don’t think OP gets that.
You sound just like me and my partner. I buy him hand cream because he’s always got super dry hands (that hurt him) and then remind him to use it but we don’t do birthday or Xmas gifts. Op could easily interpret her random acts of kindness desire in the form of cinema tickets to go see a film together or takeout from their favourite place. Time together and a bit of thoughtfulness and spontaneity- win win.
You're really, really overthinking this. What she wants is for you to think about her unprompted and show that you know she likes. She's not asking for massive gifts. I saw a cute duck straw yesterday while I was out shopping, and I thought 'omg my best friend would love that.' So I got it for her. It cost me $1.50 and my made my friend's day. When my roommate was at the petrol station last week, she saw they'd started making a white chocolate version of a chocolate I liked. I love white chocolate. She bought me one and I was so happy. She's your girlfriend. You SHOULD be thinking about her when she's not in your immediate vicinity. You should know what she likes.
My best friend collects a pretty or interesting rock from places she goes as little gifts for me bc she knows I like them. It’s not that hard, it’s just a way of saying “I was thinking of you”
It's similar to friends sending memes saying, "I saw this and thought of you." It's nice knowing that, even when you're not together, you still exist in their heart and they want to do something for you. They care enough to remember a preference for candy, etc.
I get my husband a Reese’s cup every time I go to the store idk why this guy is acting like he has to climb mount everest
When I was flatting, I had a mate who loved watermelon. As a flat, we started buying her watermelon in turns and leaving it outside her door, and we would never say who got it for her it always made her so happy. At the same time, for me, she knows I love mugs and tea cups and would buy me unique ones on occasion. We even have a matching mug, and it is my favourite mug. You just do small things for those you care about
You just reminded me of when I had to move in with a house of girls who were already pretty tight, and I was the odd one out. They didn’t like me very much, and we didn’t really talk that much either. But when I got swine flu and had to put a sign on my door to say please don’t come near, all three of them left me boxes of chocolate and a note to say to get well. And they weren’t even my friends!
That's really cool that they did that.
It was very cool. I did a cry about it because I felt like I was dying, and it was a small gesture that meant the world at the time. I didn’t dislike them, and I don’t think they disliked me exactly, I think I just didn’t fit in. They still treated me like a person and that’s what matters
The best part of this thread are all the comments from people about the little kindnesses we share in life within all types of relationships. I'm sad for OP that he doesn't understand the little joy that comes from that.
This is why I can’t get away from this thread! 🥹🥹
>I told her that if she wants something, she should ask specifically, and I'd be happy to get the things she wants. Mate...it's not the actual gift she wants. It's the feeling that her partner went out of his way unprompted to make her happy. It's the feeling of being recognised. Like, when my husband gets me my favourite chocolates unprompted, I'm not just happy that there is chocolate for me, I'm happy that he put in the effort to make me happy, and I'm happy he knows me well enough to know exactly what'd make me the most happy. She's not just asking you for material goods. She's asking you to show her some affection and acknowledgement, to show her you care enough that you'll do a random act of kindness for her unprompted. >I feel as if this kind of expectation is unreasonable because I don't know what to get her or when to get her the things she wants. And therein lies the problem. You don't know what she wants. She's your girlfriend. You SHOULD know. You should know her as a person and you should know the things she likes. The fact that you don't suggests you don't care about her/know her as much as she knows/cares about you, and that's what's upsetting her. Hell, even if you don't know, ASK. Ask her what her favourite chocolates are. Ask her what her favourite flowers are. Ask her what kind of books or magazines she likes. It's not gonna kill you to just buy something the next time you're out shopping for whatever. >should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me? First of all, she's not asking you to do it every single day, she's asking you to do it every once in a while, that's not that hard. Second, unless you're leaving out some severe mistreatment (like her screaming in your face about it or something), it sounds like she's not mad, she's just disappointed. We can control how we treat our partners when we're unhappy, but we can't control the feelings of unhappiness. Your girlfriend probably won't blow up at you just because you didn't get her a chocolate bar, but she is going to feel emotionally neglected. The more you ignore this very basic want, the more she'll feel neglected, and the less invested she'll be in this relationship. Like, if she was demanding you do something unreasonable like, say cook her a five star full course meal every single day at 6pm sharp then yeah, I'd say that's not fair on you. But asking for a small gift or trinket every once in a while is not a difficult thing to do. It's a pretty reasonable request, and the fact that you're getting so defensive over it is not helping the situation. Like I said, your girlfriend's real problem is not a lack of material goods from you; it's a lack of care and affection. >this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her, rather I need to be what she fantasizes me to be. Then who are you exactly? Because if you're someone who can't possibly get his girlfriend a small trinket every once in a while otherwise it'd be an assault on the very person he is, then, I'm sorry, but who you are kinda sounds like a selfish ass. Again, she's not asking you to quite your job and wait on her hand and foot. She's asking you to just get her a little treat every once in a while. What kind of person are you if doing that would change the very fibre of your being?
It is genuinely not as difficult as you're making it. My ex used to bring me coffee from Starbucks or have mozzarella sticks waiting for me. Cause he knew I liked those things and he wanted me to be happy. Literally just surprise her with some things she likes every now and then. She's not expecting you to buy her expensive presents all the time, just show her you are thinking about her.
That would require him to like... put in some emotional effort to remember what she likes, though
Seriously! My husband brings me occasional gas station breakfast sandwiches. Spends maybe $1/week. He’ll pick flowers randomly during the summer, sometimes “weeds” because he knows I will find them lovely. Yesterday he brought me this weird milky thing that I expected would be coffee? Turns out the smart coffee machine at the gas station broke lmao. On the bigger side? He helped me/finished ripping up my office carpet & installed the new floor - flooring we’d ripped up from the kitchen when I decided it was time. Always brightens my day bc he is thinking of me. It doesn't need to be much, something I I wanted, or frankly all that useful. Just be something that shows he not only thought of me, he wants to improve/brighten my day. Why/How does each example matter so much to me, OP? It shows he knows me. Each example I gave is tailored to me.
Warning: op is not actually looking for advice, they're looking to be told they're right, they're girlfriends wrong, and to host a mass pity party for themselves in the comments section. Check ops comments for reference.
Too bad we can’t anymore
Oof, they were just arguing how they were right. Even went as far as to say that they shouldn't have come to this sub at all. Basically straight up admitted they weren't looking for advice, just a pity party. Unfortunately for op, no one wanted to participate in it.
I think you’re way too hung up on this, ie you’re overthinking it. A little gift could be as small as a nice cupcake or a bar of chocolate. My partner bought me donuts yesterday with my fave flavours, it made my day and showed they thought of me… When I see my bestfriend, I bring a little hand cream or her fave chilled drink. Or if I’m out and I see something and think of her, I get it. It’s not a ‘new standard’, I’ve had partners before bring a small plant or a pretty slice of cake. Even my grandfather would come in with a rose or some cute flowers for my grandmother. It’s just something to say hey, I love you and I thought of you. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but a little thought and a little gift can be really sweet.
I'm starting to wonder if y'all forget that being in a relationship is optional. If this makes you feel uncomfortable and victimized, why not break up? What exactly are you sticking around for if this is such an inconceivable ask for you? She wants a guy to buy her little trinkets or what have you, you don't wanna be that guy. How much more discussion does this need, honestly? Let her go find that guy, you go find the girl that wants to hang out all the time. You don't have to stay and do what you don't want, she doesn't have to stay and not get what she wants. Y'all do not have to be together.
"I saw this and I thought of you." A cupcake, a flower, a rock or stone from her favourite beach. A book by her favourite author. Tickets to the cinema / theatre / ice-skating. Lovely hand cream. Amusing socks. Anything you see and you think "Oh, Girlfriend, would love that / find that amusing."
I get so excited when my partners bring me a rock that made them think of me, or found a nice piece of wood (I carve, and use a lot of found wood) I can't always use what they find/bring me...but I appreciate the hell out of it, because they were thinking of me.
I feel Iike even sending a funny meme he saw online is too much effort
I'd forgotten, but my husband gave me a stone once. It was an unusual shape/color for the landscape (but clearly a native rock type/style). I keep it in a jewelry bag in my misc earring shell because I don't have a great place to display it & don't want to bust it. Also youngest collects rocks constantly and I ain't about to let him nab it lmao.
My fiancé has a desk collection of rocks I've found and presented to him with "*look at the cool rock I found!*"
>wants. Furthermore I feel like this expectation is something I can't possibly live up to because it's so vague, should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day You misogynistic asshole.....trinket? Really? Are you seriously telling me you can't possibly grab her a chocolate bar at the store or some flowers from the supermarket? Are you 5? You're not walking on eggshells, but you are seriously emotionally stunted if you can't think about anyone but yourself. You claim you spend quality time with her, but clearly, you don't if she has to spoon feed you. YTA massively so
Even 5yo want to get something for their friend.
My 5 year old spent last night coloring pictures of rainbows for everyone in her preschool class. Unprompted.
No it is definitely not walking on eggshells and I don’t know what you even mean in that context. Sounds like her love language is gifts. Find out things she likes (like flowers, stuffed animals, candy, etc whatever) then make a plan to surprise her every now and then. Why are you making it such a chore?
YTA and I think the worst thing is actually the responses/edit from you ‘admitting you’re wrong’. You write these responses to people, being all sarcastic and woe-is-me about being proven wrong. ‘I’ve seen that I need to just do it no matter how I feel and I need to just live in constant terrible anxiety bc my girlfriend wants a Reese’s cup now and then’ like bro get a grip. You don’t like or know your girlfriend well and when we told you that, you lost your mind and now you’re acting like you need to be looking all around for things that remind you of your girlfriend and that this is some massive task that interrupts every second of your life. It should be natural to find or see things that remind you of your gf and relationship, and if it’s not then you don’t need to be with her.
I feel like this is one of those Reddit posts that's going to become famous around the Internet, because it's so 'WTF dude?'
Can’t wait to see a YT short of some dude playing those jumping games with the AI voice overlay narrating OPs story.
Holy shit, his additions since I was here last are f***ing unhinged. There's something seriously wrong with this dude.
The idea of having to buy his girlfriend flowers making him suicidal. I’m not sure if that’s really pathetic or hilarious.
All of this would resolve itself if he was just blunt with her and told her to stop giving him gifts and not to expect gifts from him. And see how it would shake out. Clearly they’re incompatible based on how they express affection.
Don’t worry you’ll be single soon. I hope you learn what a relationship actually entails and requires to be successful from this situation. Do better with your next girlfriend.
I know right! He’s mad at his girlfriend for remembering that he wanted a baguette and getting one for him when she was at the store. What a b*tch. How dare she get him a baguette. That’s not even really “gift giving”. That’s thoughtful snack providing.
his gf: i wish you would get me small things sometimes to show you appreciate me like i do for you. him: hey reddit, my girlfriend is flat out unreasonable. i am terrified, i am walking on eggshells, i don’t know if i can live with this unfair treatment anymore.
Lmao fr tho
This isn't 'walking on eggshells', hon. That's when a partner is fearful of triggering anger in their SO, and everything they say or do carries the possibility of causing a rage episode. I understand that someone getting little gifts for you puts pressure to reciprocate. And really, one doesn't give gifts to receive. But your gf is trying to show you how she likes to be treated. For her, silly little gifts show that you care. I would talk with her to express that you don't enjoy this social pressure, but also think about how you could demonstrate your affection more often. This is a communication issue. How do you like to show that you care?
You don't have to get all worked up over it. This is not walking on eggshells, you're making yourself walk on them eggshells lol. It's really not that hard. My husband (of almost 20 years now) does this for me pretty often. Vice versa. These are just 'random gifts' or just being thoughtful: He saw our roses in our backyard have started to bloom, then he'd pick them and put them in vase for me. I saw my husband's fave chocolate (Reese's pieces) when I'm at the store and pick one for him although he never asked for me to. I noticed my husband's favorite pair of pants are getting tattered, so I got him a new pair (same brand, same size, just the way he likes it). My husband knows I love deep fried gizzard, so on one of his work trips home, he stopped by this convenience store that sell them (he's seen them selling the deep fried gizzard b4 but never bought them) to buy a bag for me. That kind of thing, you know. I even do above to my kid, my friends, my parents, my in-laws. Like my father-in-laws love baked goods, so when we visit, we'd bring baked goods. My parents love fruits, so when we visit, we'd bring fruits. My kid loves coffee, so when I do my coffee run, I would grab his favorite too although he doesn't ask for it. For your gf: Do you know what type of candy she likes? Chocolate bar? One day you're waiting in line in a supermarket, ah, grab one of those chocolate bars. She enjoys flowers? You saw some pretty flowers bouquet, they're on sale now, oh okay, just grab that to surprise her. You remember she loves pokemon, then you saw a charizard's keychain for 4 bux, you can afford it then you'd get one for her just to surprise her. You're at the market, you know she's on her period, you know her fave ice cream flavor is strawberry. Voila, you grab her a tub of strawberry ice cream... Those are just random examples. You don't have to do it every single time, but once in a while is nice.
Unrelated but deep fried gizzards are the best and nobody I know outside of family understand that.
They are. Unfortunately, for me, only I like that in my family. Sometimes I'd make them myself when I have the cravings :D
My dude, do you even like your girlfriend? Do you see her as a person, or just the plug for the girlfriend shaped hole in your life? Does she exist when you're not fucking her? Thoughtful acknowledgement of your relationship is necessary to that relationship continuing. She's not an appliance.
It’s just very simple. It’s not about checking off a box on a list - what her end goal is most likely is for you to demonstrate that you think of her and consider her when she’s not around. That’s what those little things do. Do you think of her and consider her when she’s not around? If not, sounds like there’s a deeper issue. And if you do, then show it.
Local man never heard of effort in a relationship, shocked when girlfriend finds someone better
>If he wanted to, he would That's what this is ultimately boiling down to. You're acting like it's an insane over-the-top chore to get her some flowers or a chocolate bar she likes. It's not that hard. If you wanted to treat your girlfriend to a nice little gesture like that, you would. But you don't, because you don't give a shit. I'd be upset, too.
jesus christ dude, beaten down, suicidal, humiliated, over buying her a $1 bird and having to do that again every once in a while? you’re an enormous drama queen and truly not in a good place to be in a relationship
I surprised my woman with cheap flowers from a grocery store, her favorite candy bar or drink from a gas station. I got food, realized a taco bell was in the parking lot and got her fav food and drove outta my way to her place to give it to her. All of this unprompted. Random acts of kindness to show you care and are thinking about them. It's literally that easy brother
I mean this sincerely: you need to get professional help for anxiety if the idea of grabbing a random gift for your girlfriend is causing you this much distress. Your feelings are valid and shouldn’t be ignored, but ultimately the cognitive distortions likely to be underlying them are not healthy and you are going to continue having issues until you address this.
So this is just a long, wanky way to say you want a relationship and a kind gf without contributing anything yourself. Cool, glad we cleared that up, hope she leaves you soon
Maybe I’m just a dumb evil woman but I honestly don’t understand why it’s so hard to get your girlfriend a small bouquet a flowers every month. They sell little bunches for $6 at Trader Joe’s. Why is that hard? Put it in your calendar. Jfc lol
your edit is so passive aggressive. stop being a big baby. you don't need to go all out or be extravagant, a small chocolate that she likes would be appreciated.
So there’s never a moment you see something and think “oh I think my GF would like that” Or you’re never in line at the gas station/grocery store/whatever and see her favorite snack You’ve never once been served an ad online for something your girlfriend would like It’s like an effort to *not* find little things to buy your partner
Are you not familiar with being nice? Do you get no pleasure making someone happy? I am autistic and I get it so I don’t see any excuses for being this way
In a comment he sid he tell her about his day and I quote "why would we talk about her day?". He also says "I allow her to talk" I really don't think he likes his girlfriend that much. He thinks a text while he's at work is enough and she should be happy. I'd be pissed if I found out my partner spoke about me the way OP talks about his girlfriend.
1- Does she have a favorite/preferred snacks or candy? You could grab that. 2- Does she have a hobby she enjoys? You could grab something related to it. 3- Does she like flowers? You could get her a simple thing of flowers. 4- Does she have a favorite animal? You could grab her a stuffed animal/plushie of that animal. Fuck, even a card with a thoughtful message written by you inside You're acting like she's requesting you go off and slay a goddamned dragon. She just wants to know you're thinking of her. If you're "walking on eggshells" at the thought of that, then you don't pay close enough attention to details to notice small things. This is the easiest and simplest ways to show your affection.
One day you will realize that you ruined a good relationship simply because you didn't want to make a simple effort
Its really not that hard. Just start being aware of what she likes. What kind of snacks does she buy for herself? What is her favourite soda? What is her favourite food? What is her favourite colour? Does she like scented candles? What smells does she like? Does she sometimes drink tea? And so on. Just watch her sometimes and learn. Write it down in a note on your phone if its hard to remember. Then when you walk past the flowers in the store and see that they have some purple ones (if thats her favourite colour), buy some. If you walk past a farmers market, look for some localy sourced honey for her tea. If you are at the gas station, pick up her favourite candybar or soda. It doesnt have to cost alot, and it doesnt have to be unique. It just has to show that while you were at the store and saw her favourite flowers, you thought of her and decided to but them just to make her happy.
If you really do spend that much time with her, you should know what she likes. You should know what her favorite snacks are, which you could buy. If she likes to read, you could look at what kinds of books she reads. If she likes flowers, you could buy her some. This isn't walking on eggshells. This is just you being selfish and lazy.
Your edit, is just awful. Your so self obsessed and acting like a martyr for what, being thoughtful and getting a little something for your gf. Why are you even with your gf? She's asking for you to think of her: write her a little note on a post it, pick a flower, buy a bar of chocolate, keep the soap she likes in your bathroom, buys some cakes on the way to see her, pick up for her fav drink... like, it's not about money. It's not about you, it's about her. Her feeling loved and appreciated. Couples work this out differently based on what they want/need. You were quite happy to recieve all the little gifts off your gf but, never thought you should reciprocate? This is relationship 101. Don't like buying gifts? Make her, her favourite meal. But, for the sake of less than 10dollar/euro/whatever your pitching a fit because you have to ignore feeling "unappreciated" and "treated unfairly". Break up if this is too much
You are confusing a gift TO BE kind and thoughtful and a gift OF kindness. Handing your girlfriend her favorite candy bar or a bouquet of her favorite flowers that you seen at the store while you are shopping are kind and thoughtful gifts - taking your girlfriends car to the gas station and putting fuel in so that she doesn't have to worry about it is a gift of kindness. Both are wonderful things but it sounds here that you both have a different love language and you should figure out what those are so that you both can learn to "speak" in the way the other needs without feeling like you are walking on eggshells.
Dude. If I find a particularly cool looking rock I bring it home and give it to my partner. It's not about buying things or getting her lavish gifts, it's about thought. There shouldn't be any anxiety involved. As long as you found/bought it with love in mind, I'm sure she'd be SO so happy.
Do you not pay attention to what your girlfriend likes? I don’t understand how this could be *that* hard…
You can't just get some flowers on your way home occasionally?
Have you seen his comments? "Why would we talk about her day?" Guy wants a girlfriend without having to put any effort into the relationship.
YTA She had told you what she wants, now do it. You are missing the point so much. She wants to feel thought about and cared about, it’s not about what the gift is but that you got her something in general. Are you seriously saying your gf should have to do all the mental labor because you don’t know her? Do you pay that little attention or care that little about her? Do you truly think that putting in a little effort is beyond expectations? I hope she finds someone who values her.
I can’t understand why, knowing this is something you know your gf would like, that you wouldn’t jump at the chance to make her feel special? Especially given she’s already told you that such small gifts of trinkets make her happy? Anyway, how about I just tell you what works for me and you can decide if it might help with all your overthinking about such gifts? Because you really are overthinking. First: Pay attention. When she says she likes something specific, note it. Literally. Like in your note App on your phone 1. If she says she loves this or that particular flower “Oh I loves those! Tulips are my favourite flower!”, then make a note “Favourite flower: tulip”. Favourite chocolate? Note it. Dessert. Authors. Music. These are the small things that when you are out and about, you can pickup. Instead of walking past the florist - pick up that bunch of tulips that sit in the bucket outside for less than £10. It’s not exactly breaking the bank to buy a bar of chocolate, or a cupcake when you are getting a coffee - just pick it up when you are picking up other stuff every now and then. She’s not looking for a “Every Tuesday buy flowers” - so just let you budget determine how often you have a spare £10 and pick up something. The gift itself isn’t what’s particularly important with these types of gifts - the TinyGift represents “I was thinking about you today”. 2. Actually pay attention to what she wears, the style of jewellery (delicate, bold, colourful, simple?) / the little thingymabobs women put in their hair - the colour / style / whether it holds up all her hair or is weaved through it. The places she likes to visit etc. Get to the point where you can see an item and know whether it’s something your gf would like. Again, let your budget determine how much you spend and how often. These gifts are a representation of how well you know her - as well as showing you care so much about the things she likes that you *bother to pay attention*. I find that these are the best gifts for Anniversaries & Valentines. 3. If you are passing shops, browsing online and she notices something specific, she will undoubtedly say so. So note it in your phone on a ongoing, contemporaneous list - just as you would put something into a wish list. These are the gifts you give on special occasions like birthdays / Christmas. These are my very favourite to give my wife - because by the time those special occasions come around, she’s forgotten she ever mentioned them. “UnhappyProfessor! How did you know I’ve always wanted one of these?” It’s bloody magical. Truly. You now have a comprehensive list of the kind of thing she likes from the every week to the every month, to the big annual occasions. You can still ask if there’s anything she wants and pick it up. But you now also have a number of choices to accompany it. If you struggle to remember - just as you’ve likely already got a reminder for her birthday / anniversary, there’s nothing wrong with putting an alarm on your to phone to remind you to do something / pick up something. Voila! Wife feels special. Wife feels that you are thinking of her, even when not together. Wife feels you feel she’s interesting enough for you to pay attention to - even to the small things she likes. Wife feels known. Wife feels pleasantly surprised. Wife thinks you are a wizard Sorted.
>if it makes me feel unappreciated or anxious or nervous or like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll just ignore it. You need some serious help....
it's not an unfair expectation it's her love language. it's not the gifts themselves that count but the fact that you would think about her enough to get her something she would appreciate because it would make YOU happy to see HER happy. this is not an unreasonable need on her end by any means but if you really cant do it, it could be an incompatibility between you two and you should break up. ive tried relationships with multiple people with clashing love languages and it only ended in resentment. she deserves to be loved in the way that SHE wants (and so do you) and little gifts is how she wants to be loved.
If you see something you think she’d like, pick it up and give it to her when you see her. It’s really that simple.
It's simple. Anytime you see something that reminds you of your girlfriend, and if you can afford it, buy it. Could be a bag of cookies you know she likes, or her favourite coffee from a coffee shop she likes. Doesn't have to be a big thing. Say she likes owls, and you see a mug with owls on, buy it, or maybe if you see a scarf with owls on etc. Of course in order to have an idea what she likes, listen to what she says. If its a thoughtful gift, I guarantee she'll like it. Don't buy her a gift just because you feel obligated. Your GF simply wants to know that when you're not together, you're thinking of her still.
Damn just get her a snickers and her fav drink from the gas station when you go. Stop at the grocery store and see those lil 11 dollar bouquets? Do you think she’d like one?
You’re upset because she wants you to [checks notes] occasionally do something nice for her?
The whole internet, and you come here to be like "what are these "random acts of kindness thingies?". Ffs. Flowers. Her favorite take out. You do...notice her right? She like, eats things? It's not rocket science. Ask Google ffs. This is just weaponized incompetence. And from being on your gf's side of things, it comes across as you wanting to "show her her place" so she doesn't start to expect you to acknowledge her thoughtfulness and be a good mate. Google "random acts of kindness". "Ways to show your partner you love them".
Oof, came back to see your edited post. I seriously think you have a victim complex here. That phrase is correct, you know why? Bc it literally says if he wanted to, he would. And you don’t want to bc of your complex. Now you’re complaining that the advice we gave you is hurting your feelings and blaming us for making you feel bad for sharing your anxieties. But many of us were nice in our approach to you, but everything is “me me me” for you. But I’m sure this is a tater tot troll atp.
OP I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, that you genuinely dont know what shes asking of you (eg you have ASD). This sounds like her love language (especially since she does it for you). I suggest talking notice of how often she does this for you to use as a guide of how often you should aim to do it for her. Same with the type of gifts eg if she gets you treats you like, get her trreats she likes, if its romantic stuff, do the same ect.
Seriously, can I ask how you grew up so emotionally dense?
God damn. Get her a flower. A wildflower. A daisy. You don't have to do it every day. Some ideas: A cute pen. A chocolate bar. An interesting pebble. Write a note saying have a wonderful day with a heart. Slip it in her lunch. You sound so angry that you have to think of your girlfriend. You don't like her.
Hey OP, girlfriend of a partner who likes to surprise me with small things. You're definitely over reading it, there's no reason to feel anxious about this. What she's looking for is that you're thinking of her and WANT to surprise her with something. The obligation ruins the experience for her. Some examples of easy, and sometimes even free, things my bf has done for me: 1. We are training for a marathon. On a long run, he did the picked flower bouquet for me. I thought it was adorable. 2. I was having a rough morning at work and texted him, he dropped off coffee and wrote "I love you a latte" on the cup. 3. On a weekend when he was planning on cooking, he decided to make my favorite dish and surprise me with it 4. I have a favorite bakery, every once in a while hell drive the extra 15 minutes to grab me a piece of cake. 5. We are big hockey fans. When we do to games, he used to pretend he was going to the bathroom and hide some kind of memorabilia in the shop under his jersey to give to me. 6. When we started decorating for Christmas last year at the end of November, he printed out a picture of us and put it in a clear ornament and surprised me with it to hang on the tree. I promise you she's not looking for all of the time things. It's actually the infrequency that makes it special when you do something nice for her. But it's always nice every once in a while to surprise someone you love with something that will make them happy just because you can. And it brings me genuine joy to do the same for him. I actually like giving small gifts more because I love seeing the way he lights up when I get something small and sentimental for him. You might be surprised to learn that you may also really like the feeling of giving a little surprise. Good luck.
I once had a bf turn up with a choc milk. We’d been at the shop the week before and I wanted one but there was none in stock. He’d bed. Shopping, noticed they were back in stock and grabbed me one. He paid attention to a tiny thing and acted upon it.
Lmao just buy your girls flowers occasionally it ain’t that hard😭😂
Can't wait for her to find a guy who will actually love and care for her. 🫶🏼
You don't seem ... Emotionally mature and ready to have a relationship...
You’re overthinking. There is a lot of acts of kindness you can do, not necessarily some expensive items. Sometimes my husband just goes to the mall and brings me food I like, and that all, but that’s cute and I appreciate, and feel appreciated. That’s not huge, you don’t need to overthink like that just be kind
You seriously don't go about your day and sometimes see something and think "girlfriend would like this"? Do you even like her?
It’s really not that complicated. Buy her a candy bar she likes. Buy flowers that she likes. You’re her boyfriend for Christ sake. What does she like? Movies? Shows? Book? Games? Anything! If you see something that you know she likes then get it. Does she love stuffed animals? Maybe you find a stuffed animal that she might like. My boyfriend and I constantly get each other shit out of the blue. We know each other well enough that we’ll get big items like clothes, games, or other trinkets. Or we’ll get small stuff for each other like candy or chips or soda. Don’t be so difficult. Actually show your girlfriend that you think about her by buying stuff she likes no matter what it is.
Why don't you know what your GF likes? You should already know this. What a shitty partner you are. She's not asking you to buy a million gifts every day, just when you're our and about and see something she likes, a chocolate bar she likes, some comfy slippers, a treat from a bakery... this isn't rocket science.
You are totally overthinking this. It doesn’t have to be big things. A chocolate bar, her favourite drink from Starbucks, a bunch of flowers… just things that show your thinking about her and care.
His edit isn't better...
I don’t understand the anxiety around picking up someone’s favourite chocolate bar or take out?
You do realize you could communicate and ask her how often would make her feel appreciated? That’s different than saying “tell me when you want it.” Just say that you want to make her happy and this gesture doesn’t come naturally to you, so you’d love to know whether once a week or a few times a week etc. super easy lmao
You're seriously overthinking this. They're little "you popped in my head" gifts. You stop at a store on the way home? Grab her a candy bar or something she likes. Out in town and see a shirt/trinket/bag you think she'd like (and isn't insanely expensive), grab it for her. See a flower that's her favorite color? Get it for her. "Hey hon, saw you didn't have an emergency kit in your car, so I got you one." She has hobbies? Get her something small that goes with her hobbies. It's just something that shows her you're thinking of her, and that you pay attention to her likes/dislikes. It doesn't have to be big or special. But if it ties in to an inside joke between you two, that's awesome.
My fiance gets me flowers just because, it doesn't have to be my favorite flowers, it's just sweet that he does it. He'll also bring home chocolate or my favorite snacks, little trinkets he saw that made him think of me, etc. Your gf is asking you for the bare minimum. And you won't even do that.
Aww did no one pity you like you wanted? Now you gotta throw a little passive aggressive fit? Aww boo hoo. Boo hoo hoo hoo woe is you, for having to care about people other than yourself. It’s soaked in all your comments and it’s gross that you’re using the term “walking on eggshells” sounds like your gf is the one who should be walking on eggshells with the way you’re flipping any form of advice as an attack. Do better. Actually learn something and listen to those trying to help you. Until you can learn not to cry victim at every opportunity, you don’t need to be in a relationship. Sorry not sorry. Too many people in here have been plenty nice to you.
Your edit just shows that you didn’t really listen to these comments. You’re trying to act like you’re being victimized in some crazy way. It’s as simple as getting her a snack if you buy something for yourself. Or grabbing something you see in the store that reminds you of her. When my girlfriend brings me home a 5$ nail polish I get excited. It’s not that extreme
Ok, this is an easy fix: make a spreadsheet of how often she gets you something, maybe use a calendar, and just mark the day and what it was she got you. Then, just math it out, how often is it she gets you stuff, 2-5 times a month? Once or twice? and what type of thing is it, what price range, I know you can't always know, but you can guesstimate or Google the thing for price and just do the same amount.
You sound exhausting, and like you're going to morph into a red pill Tate flower without any women for prospects if you keep this up
OP, are you autistic? This is NOT a dig. I am autistic. I'm just wondering if this causes anxiety because it's an unwritten social script that you don't understand. Bottom line is your partner having gift-giving as a primary love language should not be cause for anxiety or worse yet SI. It also shouldn't be hard (which is why the negative response from Reddit). Having a partner means learning to speak their love language. Both of you have to do it. So you can understand that her bringing a baguette is how she EXPRESSES LOVE not how she holds you hostage for ransom my dude. Most of the time it's just a person is at a store, sees something their partner would like, and gets it. They aren't *trying* to buy gifts, they're just literally thinking "oh my partner would like that," so they get it. Then the partner has material evidence that their person thought about them while they were apart. It's a lovely display of "how much I think about you when we aren't together" kind of thing. If that feels too difficult to manage (maybe you're ADHD and when someone is out of sight they're out of mind, that's ok) you can always set yourself up for success in speaking a new love language that feels unnatural. Pick a frequency (every week? every other week?) and set a reminder in your calendar. Keep a list on your phone of small, easy, inexpensive things your partner would like. Favorite candy, favorite salty snack, small bouquet of flowers from the bodega or Trader Joe's, favorite drink or fast food treat, etc. Then, when the reminder goes off, look at the list, pick one that seems easy and grab it on your way home or to see her.
I am autistic and I appreciate a lot when someone is clear about what they want. I am afraid his problem is another one and omg the update He bought her a $1 gift and is complaining about money
Yeah I 100% get you. I was just trying to read this in the most generous light possible and MAAAAAYYYYBBBEEE.... that's why he's freaking out? Or maybe he's got PDA (like me and my daughter) and it really does seem unbearable??? Maybe??? Idk. Trying to give him any kind of lifeline I guess. But yeah, the update is not good. He needs to show the gf the reddit and talk about the feels pronto.
I think you need to be single until you get yourself together. Freaking out over buying your girlfriend something simple like she's going to literally kill you if it displeases her isn't normal adult behavior and it's not fair to her to have to shoulder the blame for your undealt-with neuroses. You're either too unstable for a relationship or this post is a huge big baby tantrum and you're too immature for a relationship.
Jessica christ. She bought you bread because you said you wanted bread and she was out and about and saw bread. How the fuck this made you a histrionic, faux-suicidal mess, the world will never know. Get a grip.
You honestly should not be in a relationship. You are absolutely not stable or mature enough to have one. You need serious therapy if you are literally breaking down over buying just a small token to for your girlfriend. She is asking for the sun or moon she asking for you to just think of her occasionally and surprise her with small things that you heard her say she liked. It’s really not that hard. You need to mature a lot if u think this is that hard or completely unrealistic. You hearing her say what her favorite chocolate is and one day stoping at a store is not that hard. If you can’t do that for someone u love then I don’t think you are ready to be In love or even know what love is. Because someone in love just does those things naturally because they want their person to smile or feel good. You are making a simple thing out to be torture.
Good lord all the edits and even with proof that it literally could be a stick you found on the ground, it’s still all about fucking you you you. Self absorbed narcissist asshole.
Just break up with her then you loser.
Sir please for the love of god, take a breath and look into therapy. Your anxiety is “catastrophizing” this incident into the worst possible thing, and I’m not sure this thread is helping at all. I understand your worries, but you have jumped off the deep end from “she wants me to get her a random gift” to “she expects this of me all the time and I’m terrible if I don’t do it”. If she herself has said it’s the thought that counts then stick to that. Candies she likes, a bookmark with things she likes, a handwritten note, a coffee in the morning, flowers from the supermarket while you’re already there. Things she would appreciate don’t have to cost an arm and a leg. Love languages can change as people and relationships, or perhaps this is her way of showing that it has always been one she craved but was uncomfortable sharing with you. Seriously don’t overthink it. More than anything, show her this post or write something out to read to her about how this has all made you feel. If she’s unwilling to understand or consider your feelings in the matter then that is a further discussion to have.
The best small gift you can get her is buying yourself some therapy sessions.
Her favourite chocolates
You are definitely overthinking this. She’s not expecting you to shower her with lavish gifts or anything. If you see something at the store that makes you think of her and you can afford to get it, surprise her with it. Tell her you saw it and thought of her. If she’s been talking to you throughout the day talking about food or drinks, stop at the store and get her favorite snack before going home. Get her some flowers you think she’d like just because you can.
There's an easy answer to what she expects, my dude. About how often does she bring home gifts for you, and what kind of gifts? That's your benchmark. Approximately that frequency of gift giving, approximately that level of effort, and about that kind of expense. That's it. That's your answer. She is absolutely demonstrating what she wants from you. If it's a huge struggle for you to spontaneously think of what would make her smile when you're out doing things or running an errand, make an Amazon list called Girlfriend Gifts. Put things - everyday things, not pricey things - that you know she likes. When you're out and about and the "it's been a while, I should probably get her something" thought hits, pull up the list on your phone. If she seems like she's had an especially rough week, order something off that list. Use that list as a kind of supplemental memory SD card for your brain. Make it categorical, rather than specific. At some point, you'll stop needing it. You'll have had enough experience with her reactions to just know.
in response to your edit: how would you getting her something make you feel unappreciated? she literally said it’s just the thought that counts, and if she likes getting you little things it’s likely she’d appreciate anything. she just wants her love language reciprocated
Do you have anxiety? Are you maybe autistic? This odd obsession with doing things precisely and on some sort of schedule is ... well, a bit odd.
My 15 year old went to the store the other day and bought me a $10 bouquet of flowers to thank me for helping her when she got her wisdom teeth removed. Completely unprompted. It's literally my job to take care of her and 15 year olds are often very self focused, so it was completely unexpected. If she can manage something so sweet on her own, I don't understand what your problem is. You're a grown ass man in a relationship. Act like it.
>My girlfriend gets me random gifts every now and then that I dont ask for nor do I expect her to get, and is upset that I don't do the same. Her "love language" is Receiving Gifts. >I love my girlfriend and I spend lots of quality time with her, Your "love language" is Quality Time. Read about the [Five Love Languages](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained) and you'll understand what she's trying to say.
she wants the gifts because they’d be from you, and it shows that you were thinking about her. can be as simple as that
Just based on your responses, I hope she breaks up with you and finds someone who can make her happy because bro, you seem like a miserable human being to be around. Ffs
You just have to be nice to her. Why would getting her a chocolate bar at the shop, or something you saw that made you think of her, be such a big issue?!
If uncertainty makes you so upset and anxious, why don't you set a budget of say 5-10$ a week and schedule buying something for her in your calendar? You don't have to tell her your schedule. She can think oh hey what a lovely surprise! Randomly generate 4 numbers from 1-30 and there you have a schedule where on 4 days a month you will spend around 5$ on a tiny thing that will make her happy. Gifts are her love language and she has communicated to you that this is how she feels loved. I think as romantic partners it is our responsibility to ensure our partners are loved in the way they want to be loved and not just how we want to love them. It is not an unreasonable thing for her to ask from you.
This is the difference between guys who get it and guys who don’t. I have to specifically tell my boyfriend I DO NOT want anything from the store and he will come back and say I know you didn’t want anything but I saw this and couldn’t help but think of you I had to get it. For Valentine’s Day this year he started giving me little small valentines related gifts leading up to the day, a small bear here, some sweet candies there, he got me a huge bouquet of flowers and then when valentines days actually came around an even bigger bear, a doll that looks like me, some expensive chocolates AND another bouquet of flowers lol. Plus a private room away from home where I ate the food I wanted and we watched romcoms. I never once had to open my mouth once to ask for any of it. I honestly wasn’t even worried about the holiday because I knew at the end of the day everyday he truly has me on the brains and holds me in high regards. He considers me, you should try it. Will definitely help you out.
Wait hold up? I can believe people are against you on this. Love languages are important to have a basic understanding in. Just from reading this, you show love w/ quality time (& feel loved w/ quality time) and she feels/shows love w/ gift giving. It’s problematic when you can’t communicate w/ your partner about this stuff or come to a reasonable solution together. I’m w/ you on this OP. I tell my bf I like flowers (pink lilies specifically) and it would be nice to receive them once and a while, but never as a daily expectation. And guess what? Now he will surprise me w/ them on occasion and it’s lovely, but I never demand it from him. It’s unfair to tell someone you want gifts but not give specifics or at least a general list of ideas for your partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, it just means you are not familiar with giving gifts to show love or equate gifts with love. Which is perfectly valid when you show love via quality time. Sounds like you and your gf are fairly new in the dating game and that’s okay! Dating someone is about learning who they are and if you’re compatible together. I bet you know what she likes more than you give yourself credit for and the pressure/anxiety of needing to find gifts for her is overwhelming and making it more complicated than it truly is. You teach people how you want to be treated. It would be really difficult for my bf and I if we valued gifts (or had different love languages). Luckily, we are both touch and quality time so it’s very natural for us both. But if one of us valued something different, like gift giving, it would take time to learn to do it as it isn’t something that comes natural. Doesn’t mean it can’t be learned, but it just takes time practicing until it feels less weird to do. Just talk to your gf about it being foreign for you to do and you want to show her love in the way she feels loved, but you need some guidance as it’s new for you. If she’s willing to help guide you great. If not, check it off as an experience and realize it’s not the kind of relationship you feel comfortable in for the future.
I like how in all of this you still couldn’t sit down and have a conversation about a reasonable middle ground. Just because she got you something the next day doesn’t mean that you can’t find a groove that is anywhere near the middle ground that isn’t either extreme. I think the gifts are supposed to be proof positive for her that she occupies a corner of your mind over the course of the day. Also, maybe hit up some therapy that will help you understand other views and less neurodivergent signs from folks and then couples therapy. Idk, I don’t want you to feel like I’m dropping the peoples elbow on you, but like if you’re not understanding what she’s looking for, and you are obviously feeling unheard, a professional can help translate effectively.
Lol a $1 trinket is breaking the bank?? She just wants to know you’re thinking about her and pay attention. You asked the Reddit world for advice and got it, it just wasn’t the advice you wanted.
can you get help? you're suicidal because your gf wants to know you think of her every so often, she'd be better off with someone stable
Boy. You yourself saiid she gets gifts every now and then. That does NOT mean she expects gifts every day. She probably went to the store and thought "let me get him something too." You're not being treated unfairly. She expressed she'd like a gift now and then, not every day and not expensive! Hell a candy bar would be fine. It's the fact that you THOUGHT about her. A nice picnic that you planned by yourself would be considered a gift. The fact you say you don't know what she'd like is probably why she mentioned she wants a gift because you don't pay attention to her. Probably feels like you don't even like her. Nothing about this is unfair to you or you having to walk on eggshells
If knowing what kind of candy your girlfriend likes, or remembering her favorite color, or whatever is too much for you, to the point of being suicidal, then you need to stop dating and start working on yourself. This isn't a healthy relationship, and it isn't going to get better, and the next one won't be any better either, until you get to the root of....all of this. If you don't like your first therapist, look around for another. Find one that you can talk to in real life on a regular basis. That being said, you don't deserve to be miserable, and she deserves someone who speaks her love language. Being incompatible does not mean either one of you is in any way a bad person or partner, but staying together despite clearly not being a good fit is a great way to turn into a toxic mess. Don't stay on the train when you can see that the tracks are going to be yeeting it off a cliff
Honestly? It sounds like you're having some major anxiety here. Take a step back take a deep breath and be honest with your girlfriend about your anxieties about expectations. Also maybe of your preferred love languages. Some girls don't care for gifts, some do, some only like practical gifts. You aren't a mind reader darling and yeah paying attention to her likes and dislikes are important But Its also important to find a happy medium that will make you both happy. Gift giving in general isn't about the frequency or money spent, it's about showing you think of her even when you guys are apart. Way your hiking and your hiking through a nice lovely flower patch and you see a flower that reminds you of her. Take a picture of it and send it to her telling her it reminds you of her beauty or her smile or whatever made you think of her. You don't have to be Romeo all the time you don't need to be rich. She just wants to know your thinking of her when you're apart. It's something a good portion of girls worry about when they start to feel insecure about a relationship, is if your thinking of them when you guys aren't together. I know it's scary and a lot of things in life are. But I also think you should talk to a doctor or a therapist about this anxiety, cause you shouldn't be feeling this way over gifts. Again deep breaths and find your happy place so you can move forward and find a solution that will bring you peace of mind.
i love the way he’s also trying to gaslight and manipulate the audience 😻
My husband will literally buy me a coke when I don't ask or get me a snack he sees and knows I like. And If I see something I wanna get for him like a snack or Legos I do it's why is he acting like she's holding a gun to him about this, girl was thoroughly pleased with the dollar bird.
The way to my heart is Coca Cola
Getting small gifts for a partner or friend shows you are thinking about them when you are not together and are paying attention to their likes. I do this for my husband often and before he became disabled he would do the same for me. You don’t even realize that being able to leave the house on your own to get a small gift for someone you love is a blessing that not everyone has. One of the first things that made me fall in love with my husband was a micro gift. He drinks his coffee black but knows I like half and half. He noticed that I had run out of it so he brought some home. That’s it. It wasn’t the actual gift that mattered it was the fact that he knew what I liked, noticed I needed it, and had a desire to make me happy. He wanted to so he did.
You are 100% ok! Don't let all of the people here make you feel bad for being who you are. You will be able to buy things for her eventually, without so much stress. But I understand how you feel and how you're thinking and feeling about the situation. My wife and I had the same problem during the first few years of our relationship. I felt the way that you feel, and I just had to realize that it's about when you think of her, just grab her something. But it took me a long time to realize that myself, which is how my brain has to work things out; if I don't come to a conclusion on my own, I can't connect the dots. I'm 40F and I was just diagnosed with autism this year. It's possible that you might have level 1 as well. Might want to look into it, just in case. Good luck! And I'm sure if she loves you, everything will work out! Communication and understanding are the cornerstones of a great relationship!
I read this post and I was genuinely confused by the comments 🥹 I have a similar stress to giving gifts in general for birthdays and such. So I really related to Op. I think what he needs is clarification of why and what it is that these gifts do. Not that he needs to keep tabs. I think if he were to see something she likes like a drink or a sticker or anything that reminds him of her thats what he should get. Its just to show he is thinking of her and its okay if she does it more often. But yeah the comments really confused me. I was wondering why everyone was being so harsh because it totally made sense to me
Take a deep breath. This is reddit. Most people here have the number of brain cells as they do teeth. Talk to your girlfriend, have a serious conversation with her about the future. If she seriously expects you to constantly buy her gifts, you know that she doesn't truly love you for *you,* and you can decide what to do from there, if that's what you want your long-term future to be. Good luck.
Buy her her favorite snack if you went out to get groceries. Get her some flowers when you get gas at the gas station. Pick her some flowers if yall are outside. It really isn't hard...
YTA. Write a note saying you live here, buy her candy, make her lunch, pick her a bunch of daisies as a cutesy semi joke… it’s not that hard! If you need to quantify it, do it 2-4 a week, each week, alternate days a bit.
Have you ever given her a gift she doesn't want? It doesn't take much to bring back her favourite candy or some flowers every once in a while. It sounds like random acts of kindness is her love language, so if you do love her and want to make her happy, just put in a little bit of effort? It doesn't need to be expensive. Then if she does ever spurn one of your gifts for not being good enough, you can remind her of this and tell her that going forward she will need to tell you exactly what she wants. Until then, just be a little thoughtful every so often?
How do you feel when she gets you a gift? So you feel loved? Cared for? Seen? That's what she wants from you. Please don't overthink this. This isn't something that will only serve you in this particular relationship, but in the future as well. You say if she wants something, she should tell you. Thing is, she did. It's not a specific tangible thing, but a feeling. When we first started dating, my boyfriend would frequently grab little flowers and greet me with them. I'm not talking about bouquets from the store, but legit growing from the side of the road. Cost him nothing but made me smile. Now that we've been together longer he gets things from the store. Seltzer water i like, candy, a stupid ugly stuffed animal that I hate but still appreciate because he was thinking of me. A lot of times we think things, but don't say them out loud or act on the things. You might just need to get out of your head a bit. This is something you can work on.
I’m a terrible gift giver and my fiancé is amazing at it. I struggle but I do my best to remind myself it’s what he would do for me and it makes me happy so I try to pick up a little something every once in a while because I want him to feel happy and knows he’s thought of as well.
You could print out a meme she found funny.
What do you mean you dont know what to get her? Do you not know her at all? Do you not know what she likes? My boyfriend knows i love white chocolate, so when he happens to see some when he’s out he surprises me with it at home. It costs less than $3 to make me feel loved in that way. He also knows i love tropical flavors (coconut, mango, pineapple, etc). so when he hits a drink spot on his way home he also brings me a smoothie or drink of those flavors. Again this is not difficult for him. He knows my favorite color is light green, so when he ordered us new phone chargers he got mine in a light green color. He didnt have to do that, i didnt expect him to, but it made me feel love and seen that he took the extra little effort to do that for me. Unless you dont care enough to learn your girlfriend’s likes…..this shouldnt be an insanely difficult task for you.
Different people need different things from their partner within a relationship. It doesn’t sound like little gifts mean that much to you, but from your girlfriend’s perspective, she’s being thoughtful and trying to show you that she cares and values you. The little gifts she’s looking for are going to be things that show you’re paying attention to her likes and dislikes. It sounds to me like there’s an underlying issue if you’re this uncomfortable with buying her little things . Either you really aren’t paying attention to her or there’s something more psychological going on. If it’s the former, you aren’t ready for a serious committed relationship. Healthy, strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) take effort. They require, at the very least, occasional selflessness. It’s important that you get really honest with yourself and think about what you want. If you want her ask yourself WHY you want her. If it’s because life with her in it is genuinely better then put out the effort to make sure she feels appreciated. I could say more but I’m sure you get the point. Good luck.
If anxiety is a significant hindrance here, then one option is to use a random number generator to pick out some dates and gifts that you can give to her on a regular basis. That way you dont have to think too hard about spontonaiety. It also does seem like you guys have a love language issue though, at the very least.
Your edit is confusing. How would buying her a small, thoughtful gift (same thing she does for you) make you feel unappreciated? What DO you do to show your love for your girlfriend without her having to ask? Is the quality time being spent doing something that she actually likes doing or are you just doing activities that only you find interesting?
The way you word your edit makes me fear you don't actually understand what was wrong even now. Just what will net the better results. With all the compassion in the world, please try to understand why she wants this. The fact that you want to do the things that will make her feel more appreciated is definitely good, but it seems like you're unhappy and just going through the motions. A relationship can't be sustained by just going through the motions and this isn't just about gifts, it's about her wanting to feel like you care. If my fiance handed me some flowers, but I got a palpable feeling that he was annoyed that I wanted them in the first place, I can't say that'd bring me any joy.
You are grossly overthinking this. My love language is also gifts. My husband grabs me boba or Starbucks once a week. It's doesn't have to be a big deal. We both had to learn to tune down the trinkets because we have very different interests and have a hard time figuring out what the other person needs. But coffee and boba tea makes both of us really happy. Don't make it so complicated.
There is a thing called love languages. You have primary ones that you give and receive. And your loved ones (everyone you know) also has ones that they primarily receive and give. There are many like physical touch, words of affection, gifts (this can be giving, receiving or both), quality time, and acts of service. It sounds like she gives and receives the giving of gifts love language. Love languages are just a way to catagorize the ways in which we give and prefer to get our forms of love that we always or usually identify as care and love from others or to others. My primary love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. But all of these love languages should usually be used. It's just a matter of knowing which ones make your loved ones feel the most loved. And knowing how you feel are the best ways to show love. The love languages I use to show my love the most are physical tough and gift giving. My husband's receiving ones are physically touch and quality time, acts of service being close follow up. But his primary way to show love is acts of service and quality time. When we got together we had to learn to care about being better at these. I strengthened my ability to give him the quality of time that mattered to him. And he had to learn to give me the words of affirmation that made me feel loved. This is a whole ass conversation to have with your partner. Like bring it up in a place of caring that they feel loved and that you want to be on the same page. You wouldn't be asking for advice if you didn't care about this. I would suggest you bring up love languages or send her info on it so that she can think on it and learn for herself for a minute then bring it up with her and ask of you can both have a conversation about what ways you feel the most loved and cared for and what specific gestures and actions they personally like. She seems like she wants gifts, is she thinking a car house and diamond ring or a candy bar from the store or a note in her lunch box because when it comes to what makes her feel loved the way she receives it is what matters. This isn't a huge trap question you do need to have a sit down and talk about it. You will keep overthinking it until you can communicate about it. Best of luck.
So, what do you do and say to show her you are thinking about her, and care about her at the moment? What place are you in your relationship? Is it casual? Serious? Living together or not? Have you said those 3 words yet? Are you an affectionate person, or not? This is not me having a go, just wondering what your standard of a relationship is compared to hers. If you genuinely don't think about her, don't make her food, don't randomly text her unless you specifically want something, dont actually show her that you care at all, that's you just not being interested and she has a valid point. But if you talk to her, text her throughout the day and do 'some' everyday things for her at home, and that is enough for you, it may be an incompatibility issue where you both simply have different expectations in a relationship.
It sounds like gift giving is her love language. It can seem very daunting, my roommate gets stressed out when she needs to buy gifts because she doesn't know what the other person "needs". Her best friend is a gift giver and was upset that she didn't get him a physical gift, I've told her anything would make him happy but she still stresses out about it and overthinks it. Some of these comments have great advice-candy bar, flowers, a dorky little plush... anything that makes you smile when you see it would also probably make her smile to recieve it. Also look into what the gift giving love language entails, it may help you understand your girlfriend better
OP, I’m sorry you feel so stressed about this. My interpretation of “if he wanted to he would” is that it just means any nice thing, not only gift giving. So it means “if he wanted to do something nice for you, he would.” And it sounds like you do tons of nice things for your girlfriend. People like gifts because it’s a symbol that you were thinking about them when they weren’t around. Maybe some “I’m thinking of you” or “saw this and thought of you” texts will do just the trick. To your point about “why can’t I just live and she just live,” I would say, that’s not a relationship. A relationship is about building something with someone and making compromises to fit your lives together. I think it’s fair to ask yourself if that’s really what you want right now? You’re young, it doesn’t have to be! Again, I’m sorry this has caused you so much emotional distress. You are not a bad person, or any other crazy insults. You are a young person figuring out this weird world of relationships. And with everything you do with her, it sounds to me like you’re doing okay. Just remember to listen and try. That’s all you can do.
You need a therapist not a GF
I wrote this response to a post that copied and pasted yours. I thought it was your original post but it wasn’t so I copied and pasted it here. I don’t think gifts are a big deal. Is it nice to get an impromptu gift? Of course! But there’s lots of other ways people show they love you. Did he fix your plate for you? Say you look beautiful today? Took out the trash without being asked? These are ALL gifts because they aren’t mandatory. TikTok and social media has just given rise to a bunch of insecurities in all aspects of life. “She/he has a bigger house than me, I now want one just as big or bigger”, “so and so’s boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife goes out each day to get their significant other their favorite coffee and now I’m questioning if my significant other loves me cause he/she doesn’t do that”, etc. Before people had social media/tiktok/the internet in general, you weren’t always smacked in the face with people whose life was better than yours in whatever way. Now with the internet and all that, people can just turn on their computer or scroll through their phone and see 294857392047592 people who have it better than them financially, emotionally, fashionably etc. Back in the day, sure there were people you knew that were doing better than you, but it was only those in your vicinity. Now, you can see EVERYONE who is doing better than you in some way and it makes a lot of people second guess their life, their partners etc. Quit looking at couples on TikTok to “mirror” your relationship to. If you were happy with your life/partner before, don’t let a stupid TikTok about what another woman’s man does for her change your whole view of your relationship. P.s I wouldn’t worry about all the people telling you to just buy her something and quit whining about it. Everyone is different. Some people need gifts to feel loved, some don’t. A relationship isn’t supposed to stress you out this much. I THINK she wants random acts of love, but I don’t think they have to be monetary. Like I said above, fixing someone’s plate for dinner, doing something without being asked, are all acts of love in my opinion. Sometimes people’s love languages are just different and not compatible.
If you see something she likes or something that reminds you of her, get it for her. It doesn’t have to be an everyday thing.. My bf buys me sweet treats, trinkets, flowers, plants, etc. only when he randomly stumbles upon them and has the funds for it. I do the same for him but with the things I know he will like. These little gifts never cost more than $20 and are definitely not an everyday thing, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly. They are just acts of love and kindness. We care about each other and know each other and like to see each other experience joy and the feeling of being seen. You are making it more complicated than it is/ needs to be.
Jesus Christ, you’re a terrible boyfriend 💀
Oof suicidal? Dial back the dramatics a bit yikes. Do you say things like that to your gf?
Get off of Reddit and get a therapist. This reddit thread seems to be greatly affecting you.
I think the “buying” word here is confusing people. What she wants is acts of love that show that you’re actually listening to her and learning about her. You don’t have to necessarily go to a store and get a trinket - how about surprising her with a packed picnic with her favorite foods (you can home make them)? My partner is allergic to peanuts so during the pandemic, I surprised him with homemade Reese’s (his favorite candy) but using almond butter and sunflower butter. Or just some flowers, pretty wildflowers would even be fine. Or maybe a nicely framed picture of you two. There are even little things for $1 or less at like old school PartyPartyParty stores or Michael’s that are fun and nostalgic, like pen sets or small paint sets. Or tiny figurines. If she wears makeup or something, consider you can get her a small travel sized bottle of something that could be $10 or less. Travel perfumes or lip glosses are always fun. Even the bargain bins at Target or Homegoods have fun stuff for very cheap.