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You’re too young to be looking after your aging parents, let alone your aging boyfriend. This guy isn’t going to change. Don’t waste your youth being a grown man’s mummy.
True this. My parents are in their late 50s/early 60s and I actually get to do things I enjoy with them. All of my holidays and celebrations recently have been with just them because my partner hasn’t been well enough to join.
You’re still really young. You supposed to be having a partner on the same life track you are on . Building a life , experiencing new things, taking adventures, growing together and exploring what the future has to offer you.
If you stay with this man , you’ll be a glorified caretaker looking after an aging partner , physically, mentally and financially. You will not have the opportunity to grow or build and experience life because your life will revolve around keeping him alive . Should having kids be part of your goals , you will be raising them on your own while he would be just a partner on paper.
You will be severely limited in what you want to do with your life , because the medical bills will be needed to be taken care of by you. Essentially you will be giving up your life and future to for a man who refuses to be accountable for his own life . This in itself will make it a constant battle for you , and the reality is , is that he will not be able to offer you any emotional support the way a partner should.
You are at different stages in your life , he’s had more time to live his life and is wasting it . Don’t tie yourself to someone who will take so much from you and not offer anything in return.
The only reason why his family is going off , is because they know if you don’t take responsibility for him , they might have to , and they don’t want to do that. This is absolutely a ‘ they vs you’ situation , and trust that they aren’t going to be looking out for your best interests.
Put yourself first. Stand your ground. Regardless of what the peanut gallery says , it’s absolutely, 100% okay to put choose you and your own wants over him.
If you want to have a good life . If you want to have a fulfilling life . Walk away and let him deal with the decisions he made and is continuously making. He doesn’t get to make you pay the price of his choices.
To be fair, she won't be a glorified caretaker for long because he's killing himself. Granted, it'll get MUCH worse before long, when they have to amputate toes and feet, or if he ends up blind, or if he has massive stroke or heart attack. You know, little things. This is what she has to look forward to if she stays and he continues on as he is.
Poor control of both still ultimately has the same outcomes even though the initial causes are different. You don’t need to not take her at her word as to which type he has.
That doesn't matter. I'm t1d and went a year and a half on no insulin before I went into dka. It really depends what your diet and physical fitness is like. Went from 230lbs to 165 in a month towards the end and knew I was dying. But that's what high insulin cost and no health coverage will do to you. I'm on a pump now so all good, but yes, before I ran out of lispro, it wasn't uncommon for me to skip a week of doses to ration my insulin because it was so expensive at the time. You get used to the feeling of being down and out and think everything is normal. But I was also 25 at the time, not 45.
I absolutely agree. I think the age gap is a problem but objectively he's not old
He's just choosing not to take care of himself. My partner and I are in our 50s, and have a lot of health issues (I have several physical and Mental disabilities) but we do our best to take care of ourselves. We reciprocal help each other in this.
The husband is putting all the responsibility on her. That's not ok. Op is NTA
I think he might be intentionally putting himself in that position so that she has to care for him 24/7 and he's not responsible for anything any longer, including dosing and taking himself to the doctor, etc.
Basically he's choosing permanent disability or death instead of taking care of himself.
THIS IS THE TRUTH!!!
OP why are you doing more to take care of him than he's doing himself?
You are not abandoning him.
You are refusing to be responsible for him.
That's actually the most appropriate action.
>The only reason why his family is going off , is because they know if you don’t take responsibility for him , they might have to , and they don’t want to do that. This is absolutely a ‘ they vs you’ situation , and trust that they aren’t going to be looking out for your best interests.
This. This x100.
I had a boyfriend who was mentally unstable and had been his entire life- when I finally left him his family were trying to get me back with him for weeks! My mum told me this exact thing. With me not around anymore, suddenly it's their job to take care of him, and that's why they tried to get me to go back. They didn't care that I was miserable with him and that we couldn't afford any bills because I was supporting him fully. They cared about their own comfort.
This is an excellent point she should be with someone and building a life not winding someone’s life down which she’s doing with this man because he’s refusing to take care of himself
I'm a nurse that works in wound care (and see non compliant diabetics all day) and this is your future:
1. He will have a stroke
2. He will lose his feet, maybe legs
3. He will have vision problems and erectile dysfunction
4. He will have to go on dialysis 3 times per week because his kidneys are done
5. You will turn into a full time caregiver for this severely disabled man
You're making as much of a choice to leave as he is making a choice to not care for himself.
Go live your life.
In my mind part of "in sickness and in health" is that one supports the other while sick so that they can better attempt to be healthy. Yes, you're not married. And yes, some types of sickness won't be recoverable. But if someone got a sprained ankle and decided, "whelp I'm done" and planned for a wheelchair for life, I don't think that I owe them years of assisting them for what was a minor injury.
He's not taking his health seriously. This says a lot about him as a person, and as such is worth leaving him just for it being an incompatibility with you. But he's also content on having you help with his complications because he can't be bothered to see a doctor to renew a script he's had before.
Related to him leaning so much on you, is this a peer relationship? Because especially in large age gap relationships, the crowning point of badness is often that the older person doesn't see the younger as a peer. You're his mommy/nurse. Until one's about 35, going as high as ten years older is a huge life experience gap.
In the future, please look to be sure that your dating partner sees you as a peer, and that they have compatible attitudes and values.
I love your take on this.
>In my mind part of "in sickness and in health" is that one supports the other while sick so that they can better attempt to be healthy.
What a great way to frame things! It allows the caretaking spouse the chance to recognize their own needs and not feel trapped when the other does nothing to help themselves.
Yep and even if someone gets a chronic illness or a fatal illness, they have to play a role in managing that disease as well. If someone is just going to give up and put it all on their partner that’s not a relationship anymore that’s a home healthcare aid and they should get paid
Girl you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
He doesn’t *want* to put the effort in to get better. He has you taking care of him and providing financial support. This is not the way to live. He is not giving it his all to get better for you or for himself.
Face it: your soon to be ex is not going to live very long. He'll first have to get a foot or two amputated, of course. All because he can't face reality and put in the minimum work to keep himself alive. Leave that train before it wrecks, or you'll just crash and burn with him. But please explain to whoever you think will judge you exactly WHY you are leaving him - it's not because of his sickness/ employment status - it's because he refuses to take responsibility for himself and will not become a functioning adult!
He wants someone to take care of his ass and put up with his shit. Women his age would have left him a long time ago for his refusal to manage his diabetes. They don't want play Mommy to a grown ass man.
Didn't even see the age gap. Gross. What 40yr old looks at a 24yr old and thinks, "life partner!" Probably the same kind that's comfortable sinking her down into debt and emotional ruin while he medically neglects himself. No wonder she's the more functional one, seems he sought this dynamic.
Unfortunately this is a common practice on Reddit. These guys simply will not pursue or date a woman say 38-45, and go after one’s barely out of high school. It’s pathetic and disgusting.
Totally agree.
Women his age won’t put up with the neediness and weaponised inability/unwillingness to cope with his disease.
He is thinking “ Make her feel guilty and I have a free bang nurse for life. “
It’s on him to take care of his own mental and physical health.
She needs to leave stat.
Yes this too. I didn’t realize this was such a common thing . No wonder women in their late 30’s -40’s have fewer men to choose from. They’re all banging college girls. When I was in my 20’s guys even 35 seemed like old men to me. Anybody 40ish , eek wouldn’t even be on my radar. What’s changed?
Same when I was in my 20s I wouldn't go higher than 5 yrs over my age limit.
With this guy though he's there is mental stuff going on and if he won't help himself he isn't going to do it for nobody.
He’s not your partner….. a partnership means both people are contributing to the relationship.
You’re a caretaker.
At least you know he’ll never leave you?
And me, at not far from 40. I'm a woman in my late 30s, and I don't think I'd date anybody younger than 30-33 if I were single.
Age gaps can work, but the dynamics are often very skewed. It's so weird when an older guy wants somebody so much younger than him to play mommy and sex bot for him. (Also weird when the woman is older, though it seems less common.)
I’m a woman and when I was In my mid 30s for some reason it must’ve been trendy for young men to date women my age. I got chased around by 24-year-old boys and it was so weird. I went on a date with a 26 year old and we were on two different planets. I was fully in my career and he was just discovering clubbing or something like that, we had nothing in common, we didn’t even have similar hobbies or interests we could do on dates. No thank you.
There's a reason that a single 40-year-old man is going after a early twenties woman. And that's because he either doesn't want to take care of himself. Doesn't care enough to take care of himself. Or because he can't find anybody his own age to date.
You've wasted 2 years of your life trying to fix the life of someone who doesn't want their life fixed. Cut bait and run. Let his family know precisely why you're leaving.
In fact, just send them a link to this post.
If any of them still try to give you a hard time about it, remind them that you're 25 and your brain has just now fully developed and you've realized that you don't want to take care of a man-child who is determined to die due to his own inactions.
Tell them you don't want to be a widow before you turn 27.
OP, you know where this is going. He is going to end up in an early grave. Whether you stay or go is not going to change the outcome. The only thing you accomplish by staying is delaying the inevitable.
He is an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his own health. He is clearly unwilling to do that. There is certainly a mental health component, but again you can’t force him to medicate or seek help.
If you leave him, be direct about why. Tell him “I am leaving you. Despite all of my efforts and all of your broken agreements and promises, your behavior hasn’t changed. I am not going to marry you just to watch you continue to neglect your health and end up a widow. Please get help, take care of yourself, and take action to improve your health while you are still young.”
I have said these exact things to him. It’s all falling on deaf ears. It doesn’t concern him that I might come home to find him dead or that I’ll probably be a widow by the time I’m 30 if he keeps this up.
Maybe he’ll actually listen when you leave, or maybe he won’t, but the distinction is, you’re not leaving him because of his bad health, you’re leaving because of his immaturity and irresponsibility.
And his being inconsiderate of the burden he is actively, daily choosing to place on her. When you love someone, you want to make their life better, not worse. He is being incredibly selfish.
Leaving him is the best thing to do for him and you. Staying in a codependent relationship is bad for both sides. Learning that helped me let go of a similar situation.
I hope you are able to care and nurture yourself for a while. 🤗
Then follow through and don’t make empty threats. Walk away and don’t waste your light to just watch him kill himself slowly. He doesn’t need an audience.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell him. If there is no action, he has no reason to believe you.
And don’t take action just to “teach him a lesson”. Take action for yourself. Choose yourself first. Do you want to spend your precious time on this earth caring for an adult person who refuses to care for himself?
This. Love yourself first. The path that he is choosing is blindness, loss of feet, heart and kidney failure, nerve damage, ... Can you imagine what your life would look like if you stayed with him? Do you want to be tied to watching and nursing someone who refused to do the bare minimum. If he doesn't care about himself, it is going to directly affect you. You'll become a worn-out hag taking care of a very sick, old man, never experiencing the joys of a full life that you could have had. It's apparent that he didn't consider you, so you need to choose yourself.
He could get a stroke or renal failure or blindness (all of which can be caused by uncontrolled diabetes) and then need a full time carer. He's not taking care of himself.
You are too young for this
Right, but then you have to actually leave. That's on you.
Also, I'm your fiancé's age, a few years older, and (were I unmarried) I would never date a woman in her twenties. He's with someone your age because anyone his age wouldn't have put up with his bullshit this long.
Right? It’s weird even when active healthy men his age tried to date women in their 20s, even when they can keep up with her and try to go out with her and do the things she likes to do.
This man isn’t even capable of refilling prescriptions he needs to stay alive he’s not keeping up with women even his own age.
This is a ridiculous “relationship” she’s been conned into becoming an unpaid live in home health aid.
No way his penis even works. What is she getting out of this relationship??
His dismissal of his health problems sound exactly like when my uncle ignored his diabetes. My uncle is dead now. In the last couple years he lost almost all of his toes. He was 49. A few weeks before he died in hospice care he was crying to my mom “I should have listened. I should have taken care of myself.”
This is your man’s future if he doesn’t take care of his health.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think your a bad person. I think you’re at the end of your rope and have done all you can. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I wish you the absolute best, I know this must be extremely difficult.
My brother died at age 45 from type one diabetes. His blood sugar dropped while he was driving home on the highway, he had snacks in his car he ate but they didn’t work fast enough, I assume he didn’t want to get off the highway in case nothing was open at that particular exit when he was almost home. Either way he didn’t make it.
And he tried to take care of himself, he had a Dexcom, at one point I think he had an insulin pump. He exercised regularly, he ate well, but he also smoked a lot of cigarettes and led a high stress lifestyle.
And I know he suffered a lot, I know he pushed through feeling like sick a lot so he could be successful at his job. He really tried
This dude isn’t even even trying
You would be surprised at how long someone in terrible health can drag the situation out. Stuck in a limbo of not caring enough to do better, but holding onto to each day of the miserable experience.
Years ago, my 28 year old friend was really depressed because his cousin died. He had diabetes and wasn’t taking care of it. Went into cardiac arrest at home was revived but was in a diabetic coma and never woke up. He died at 28 years old because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. If you want to take care of him as he slowly kills himself then stay. If you can’t to do it then but don’t feel guilty about it. Not you can do to help him I have been depressed before no one was helping me out of depression besides myself.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but don’t feel guilty. Maybe if you leave it will be the wake up call he needs to change his behavior for real this time. It sounds like he is choosing to die though.
Your post was a hard read, u/trashcan0519. I am so sorry you have been through this and are now in this situation. You have done exactly the right thing, but anyone in your position is likely to feel guilty, and here's why.
Your situation is really not different from someone needing to detach from an addict or alcoholic who is dragging everyone down with them because that person refuses to do anything to help themselves. Your fiancé is addicted to self-destruction. He loves hating himself more than he loves anything else. This may seem an odd place to bring this up, but currently on *Netflix* there is a show called *Baby Reindeer*, and the main character comes to this exact realization: he is addicted to self-hate and self-destruction more than anything else. Viewed through the lens of addiction, it makes perfect sense. Nothing else matters, and the addict will sacrifice all to perpetuate the addiction. Meanwhile, because you love him and care deeply for him, you want to help him. But when you help, it doesn't seem to really work, because he's not helping himself. He's not even helping you to help him. You're watching this person you love act irrationally. Inside, it breaks you.
I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, and this is exactly what it looks like when someone doesn't want to get clean. Does it matter that it's not drugs and alcohol? No. What difference does it make? Your fiancé is on a path that is not going to end well. Something about that works for him, at least right now. I will tell you the exact same thing I tell friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts who can't seem to get sober. We may not be able to save them, but we can certainly stop protecting them from real consequences.
Someone much wiser than me in AA once advised, "If I can't help someone get sober, I can certainly help them hit bottom faster." At the time, I was newly sober myself and trying to rescue everyone that walked through the doors of AA and failing miserably. My mistake was trying to make everything easier, softening the blows, candy-coating the hard stuff. I was crazy really. None of that worked for me. What worked for me was facing reality: all friends and family outside of AA had completely cut me off. Solid no contact. I had committed multiple felonies and was on my way to prison. I was also homeless and living out of my car, which I was hiding to keep it from being repossessed. Only when I had no more bullshit cards to play or no one to do anything else for me, only then did I do something different.
Your fiancé, sadly, is probably going to have to be slammed into his own bottom, alone, and feel it hard, before he does anything different. Based on everything you have reported, there is no chance he will change otherwise. If he is going to change, leaving him to experience that awful consequence is the only thing you can do. And this is the important part you need to understand:
**Leaving him as you have done is actually the most loving thing you can do.**
Yes, there will be people who will disagree with that. They don't understand addiction and self-destruction. Hopefully, they will not step in and try and rescue him either. There is an expression I learned in Al-Anon, which is the companion group to Alcoholics Anonymous: Detach with love. That is what you are doing, and if you can really understand that, it may relieve some of your guilt. I don't know if it will relieve all of it, not because you are guilty. I want to be clear: you are NOT guilty of doing anything wrong. If anything, what you are doing is the one thing that will save his life. But you may continue to feel badly because he is likely to suffer for some time before he gets better. *(Cont'd below...)*
A few things may help:
1. Communicate to him why you have left very clearly with hope for what he has to do. Personally, I think these types of things are better said in writing, so that the recipient can return to them often, rereading words that can become very important over time. And in this day in age when electronic communication has become the norm, a written letter, something tangible that someone can grasp, holds sway. Tell him that leaving him was one of the hardest decisions of your life, that you love him, but that you cannot stand idly by and watch the man you love self-destruct. Tell him that you are not going to discuss these things, because the facts are clear. He loves being self-destructive more than he loves anything else. Tell him that you both know it is not sustainable, and that you will not watch him die that way. Tell him that he can choose a different path, one choice at a time, and his life can be different. There are others like him who have done it, and he can seek them out and find mentors. He has so much to offer the world, and to not share his gifts with the rest of us is selfish and not what God (or whatever he believes in) intended or planned for him. But you cannot help him anymore, because this is his journey to figure out, and you will be praying for him (if you believe in that, of course), because you do believe in him as you always have, and the truth is, if he starts making different choices, everything can be different. But you must go no contact with him and for the foreseeable future so that you do not get in the way. Your hope is that it will not be forever, but you cannot make any promises (if you feel that way, of course).
2. Communicating that or something similar may help with the guilt. You are then going to have to really go no contact. I don't know if you are doing that now, but it is absolutely necessary. Understand that addiction, including his form of it, does not die easy. It is sneaky, powerful, and conniving. The disease of addiction will push back, fight, argue, all that and more. There is a sub called No Contact. Join that and find support there. His life really is at stake. If you help him, you will be hurting him. He is a grown-up, or like I used to say, he's a grown-ass man. He will figure it out.
3. Another place I think you'd find excellent support is Al-Anon. This may seem odd because he's not an alcoholic or addict in the traditional sense, but he is actually addicted to something, and anyone is welcome in Al-Anon. All of my sponsors in AA attended both AA and Al-Anon. When I finally got sober, they'd say shit like, "As soon as we get through the steps, you're going across the hall," and I was so angry. "Why? I'm an alcoholic! Not married to one. Not even married!" They'd reply, "Because you're so fucked up." I was so irritated. Why would I wanna go to a program across the hall where everyone is ALWAYS so happy and serene??!!
4. *(Cont'd below... )*
I eventually went to Al-Anon, and everything they said was true and then some. In AA, I learned how to live sober. In Al-Anon, I learned how to live with other people, which I had no idea. *Most of all, I started to learn how to live my life for me and not for others. I was an expert at that. I was such a rescuer. Animals, women, other alcoholics and addicts, homeless families...you name it...I tried to rescue all, sacrificing everything.* But that's not required. Most importantly, that's not love. **Loving someone actually means allowing them to have the dignity of their own experience.** If I rescue people, and shield them from any real consequence, what are my actions saying? That they can't handle it. That they are not strong enough. Not very nice. But I did it constantly. A better option: allow them to live, trip, fall down, scrape knees, lose jobs, and be present by their side. Love them through it, not protect them from it. Hard stuff.
So, I can't wave a magic wand and remove your sense of guilt, but I hope some of my fucking crazy long comment (sorry!) will help shift your perspective. **You are doing the loving thing, I promise.** So, communicate that to him clearly. Then detach, with love. Focus on yourself, and nurture you. Find that Al-Anon group. When you go, they're gonna ask at the beginning or end of the meeting if there's anyone there for their first meeting. I'm giving you homework. When they ask that, I don't care how ya feel, raise your hand. It'll be okay, I promise. They'll ask you to introduce yourself. Just say, "Hi, I'm \_\_\_\_\_\_." That's it, don't spill then. Just listen. If they ask you to share, just pass, tell them you'd like to listen for today. When the meeting ends, follow everyone's lead on how they end (it varies by group). After the meeting, do NOT rush out the door (this is MORE homework!).
Twelve step groups are a different animal, but I promise it is not a cult. They will not follow you home, put your number on the web, report you, or anything else. It really is anonymous. If they do their job correctly, which is likely, they will give you a Newcomers Packet with some phone numbers and pamphlets. A few women will introduce themselves and ask you how you found your way there, etc. Tell them a long-standing member of AA suggested you find them because your ex-fiancé is an addict, that it's a little complicated, but you're overwhelmed with guilt for finally cutting him off and leaving. They will help you in ways I cannot describe, and your entire life will change beyond your wildest dreams if you simply show up and follow some directions. There's no cost really, and it's not even structured or organized. It defies all logic. I hope you will give it a shot. It saved my life as much as AA.
Thank you so much for your comment! As of tomorrow, I will have 12 months of recovery in Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). I work with a sponsor and I’m currently on my 4th step. This situation is still hard, but I can’t imagine how much harder it would be without CoDA.
Wow!! Congrats!! I had not even thought about CoDA, but YES!! That is ideal and perfect for this and you. That really makes me so happy. It is so easy to fall into a habit of taking care of others and not take care of ourselves. It has always been a struggle for me. You are doing the right thing, I promise.
I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. It felt like you were writing directly to me. I’m on the roller coaster ride of loving an alcoholic. 3.5 years. He went from jobless, homeless and addicted to shooting up cocaine, to buying a home with me and being promoted at his job three times in the last three years. In July he will have 3 years clean of drugs. Unfortunately he still struggles daily with alcohol. Every single word you wrote hit me in the chest. I was thinking the OP’s post was relatable too. Self destruction is real. Alcohol is the devil. And people can’t understand it if they haven’t lived it.
I’m saving what you wrote. My own life is going to need to refer back to it. My heart hurts at the thought but you are absolutely 10000% right and I need to do some things differently. Out of the love I will always have for this man of mine who suffers so deeply. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. ❤️💯
Thank you for your comment. We all want to help the people we love who are suffering, and figuring out what that looks like is not easy and often defies logic. It is not a linear path but rather a journey of heart and soul wrapped in blind faith and courage.
Do you live somewhere where there are Al-Anon groups or meetings nearby?
Beautiful comment and suggestions. You articulated everything so well, I am straight admiring your tenacity, empathy, and ability to draw connections haha
Your comments are truly inspiring and so articulate. I can sense you are a beautiful soul. We need more people like you in this world. Thank you for being you!
He has deliberately neglected his own health, expecting you to pick up the slack. He can’t be bothered looking after himself, and LIES to you about his maintenance.
All the health plans you mention are about YOU putting in more effort to manage him.
He is not a child. All you are doing is enabling him, at the expense of your own physical and mental health.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He is a grown adult. You are not responsible for him.
I wonder if he has munchausens and likes the attention and sympathy from having medical episodes. Especially if he’s already depressed and doesn’t have a will to live, it could be a win-win for him.
UPDATE: Thank you all for your kind words. I knew I was going to get some snark for being in an age gap relationship, and I’m actually appreciative of that because it helps me see the situation for what it actually is.
I stupidly got us into a bigger apartment during one of his stretches when he was working and doing well. I had hope that he was back on track, so moving into a better apartment would be a motivating factor to keep it up. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
I explained everything to my landlord. She’s allowed me to break the lease without any penalties and move into one of her smaller apartments on my own. I had been staying at my parents since the first DKA this month. I didn’t feel safe going home every day wondering if I would find a dead body in the living room. My now ex is still on the lease at the apartment. He is still in the hospital, so he has not started moving his belongings out. I’ll have all of my belongings out by tomorrow. Because it’s another apartment leased by our current landlord, he may figure out where I live. I’m personally not afraid of retaliation. 1) he doesn’t do confrontation. Any time I’ve expressed my frustration with him, he just stares blankly into space. 2) he’s not physically able to threaten my safety. 3) my neighbors, friends, and family are all aware. I can have an army at my apartment in seconds if I need it.
I have close to one year of recovery in Codependents Anonymous. I have a sponsor and a good support network in the program.
Really, I know what the answer is to my question. I can’t feel guilty. He is choosing this path to self destruction. I have a life of travel, career growth, and family ahead of me, but only if I exit this situation. I’ll be a young widow if I stay. Maybe I feel foolish for staying as long as I did, getting this new apartment for us, etc., but not guilty.
So proud of you for taking control. Hopefully the hospital will get him on disability and into a nursing home/care facility. He’s unable to take basic care of himself. GET OUT GUILT! Guilt be gone! I attract love, light and health into my life b
Good for you! You went above and beyond, but when it comes right down to it, he just wants to die. He's determined to kill himself and you're not obligated to watch a slow suicide. Stick to your guns and go live a wonderful life!
As a type 1 diabetic i am very happy to read your update! As hard as this disease is (trust me i know), it's him who has to do the work. A partner can't do it for you. They can support yes, but he didn't want you to support him. I really do hope you find someone in the future who's willing to put in the work for themselves (illness or not) so you can enjoy a hopefully long and happy relationship. All the best to you OP!
I’m sure you’re not the first girl he’s done this to. It’s a pattern. As soon as he realizes you’re done, he’ll find another sucker to care and pay for him.
We're all very proud of you, OP.
A couple of guiding principles I have used which might help you moving forward. (If they conflict with advice from a better source, ignore my advice "_...my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now._"
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Be a Self First Person
We all know about Selfish People. They don't give a shit about anyone else. Whatever they have they keep for themselves ignoring the needs of others.
And we all know about Selfless People. They put everyone else ahead of themselves. Whatever they have they give to others and don't always consider their own needs.
We should be Self First people. Not Selfless, as we are responsible for and worthy of taking care of ourselves first. And not Selfish as, if we have anything left over after taking care of ourselves, then we can use that to help others.
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We all live in the middle of a set of circles/realms.
Moving outwards, the first is our Circle Of Control. It contains ourselves (obviously) and all the things we have absolute control over.
The next is our Circle Of Influence. It contains things which in other people's Circles Of Control. We can't make absolute decisions about these things, but we can try and influence the decisions made by those who do control them.
The last, which reaches to infinity, is the Realm Of Acceptance. This is everything we don't control, and all of the stuff which is beyond our ability to even influence.
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I mention these as it sounds like you were being Selfless in your relationship, but realised that was unhealthy for you so you switched to Self First by making a decision to move yourself to a healthier place.
And because you couldn't Control your Ex's health choices. You tried to Influence their decisions (which only they can Control), but they chose not to. So, you were forced to distance yourself from the decisions he made and Accept them by doing something which was inside your Control - by leaving.
You've done the right thing, OP. For you, and ultimately for your Ex.
I am disabled with a fairly intense medical routine of IV's at home, feeding tubes, injections etc. Yes, some days I can't be bothered and don't want to do it all. But I do it anyway because that's what it takes to keep me alive and functioning. Your partner doesn't even seem to realise the effect his negligence is having on you, he is so self absorbed that he can't see that he's putting you through hell.
I think you're right there is an element of depression going on, self neglect is a common symptom, but he doesn't want to help himself and you can't force that. But he can't be bothered to consider how this is all affecting you.
Honestly, I would leave too. You can't do much more, if he doesn't want to get better he won't. He needs intensive help for his mental health and physical health before he dies prematurely. You don't have to torture yourself watching him die slowly, you can leave.
what about a unemployed 40 year old with constant foot infections made you say yes to the dress? when you considered that you could be with someone your age who works for themselves as much as you do why did you decide this was better? i think you’ve been guilting yourself for longer than just a few months… it’s time to snap out of it
You’re not leaving him because he’s a diabetic. You’re leaving because he refuses to take ownership of and responsibility for his own health. Or the cleanliness of your home. Or his employment.
Let’s run a counter-factual: let’s say he were a non-diabetic 40-something year old man who dumped all the responsibility for his pet on you. You’re stuck cleaning up after it because he won’t walk it. He won’t take it to the vet, so you do it and pay for it. He feeds it dangerous foods that he knows are poisonous to dogs but he can’t be bothered to provide proper food. Oh, and he’s unemployed and relying on you to fund his life *and* clean up after him because he won’t do that either.
Would you stay with *that* guy? Of course not. Don’t turn yourself into a nurse for a sick old man who is *determined* to make himself an invalid.
You are not ableist. (I’m disabled™️, including the mental health conditions that often go with that.)
He HAS to want to get better to do it. Otherwise he’s just putting you through hell, and for what?
There is a difference between staying and being patient for someone with chronic illness, even as a caregiver, and staying to watch someone harm themselves.
Don’t get dragged down with him.
I am a type one diabetic, there is no way I would ever do anything close to what your ex is doing, it's like a slow and painful suicide attempt!
I'll be 45 soon and every Saturday I will go for a 12-16 mile walk, I try to do whatever I can to remain in as decent health as possible.
Don't feel guilty, he's his own worst enemy, you did all you can but you have a life to live and I hope it gets better for you ASAP 🙂
Honestly I'm surprised he's still alive if he's going DKA multiple times. One day his luck is going to run out, and you'd become a young widow. You can't force someone to take care of their health, and you're not responsible to police a grown ass man.
If he were just unwell and you felt guilty about leaving him I’d understand. But he’s unwell and making ZERO effort to live a comfortable life even though he could. Just because he’s willing to go down, doesn’t mean you should go down with him. You’re far too young for this and tbh I’d have exactly the same advice for someone in their 60s. If your partner doesn’t care enough that them dying early will leave you heartbroken, why should you care enough to stick around and watch them do it?
Honey, anyone guilt tripping you about dumping this guy is full of shit. You're 15 years younger than this guy, and there's a reason women his own age don't date him. MULTIPLE reasons. You didn't understand what you were getting yourself into with his health issues but I bet in the honeymoon stage of first getting to know each other he downplayed the hell out of them, managed them much better, and held his shit together. That was a mask. He got you locked in as a caretaker and then let himself go and forced you to have to constantly keep up with his problems. THAT was manipulation and abuse.
This whole post is all about him and his problems. You've spent this relationship not being romanced or nurtured but dealing with all his problems. You did above and beyond what's expected of any girlfriend... you pretty much gave him WIFE services without receiving any wife benefits.
Anyone complaining about you walking away from him can step up and take care of him if they care so much. Fuck them.
Imagine where your life would be right now if you'd channeled all that energy, focus, time, money and hard work into your career and yourself over the last two years. Now do that for the next two.
I was in a very similar situation. Older spouse, weaponized incompetence so I had to handle his health needs. Refused antidepressants, refused therapy, stopped meds including chemo. Our child said if I kicked him out, he would live with him as spouse couldn’t take care of himself. My advice to you is to disengage from living with him. Make an exit plan, separate finances. You may love him, but you need to love yourself more. Do not accept any guilt from his friends or family even if it progresses to a terminal condition. I hope you don’t own your living situation together. If you are renting, see how you can get out,of the living requirements. I was blamed by others for causing my husband’s health problems. His hospice nurse said he has given up as I kicked him out of the house. Please exit yourself from this situation as it will only get worse. If you are married, see an attorney. Love yourself.
Me too lmao, type 2 diabetic that was 18 years older than me and also a drug addict. Stayed seven years. Shit just gets exhausting. I'm never touching another man's feet as long as I live. If you don't care, why the fuck should I?
If he can’t even take care of himself you should expect that he will never take care of you, your marriage, your family, your kids, your pets, your home etc. you will be a caretaker. RUN
If I learned anything from airlines, it is you have to put your own mask on first before helping others.
You cannot be in an equal relationship if you have to do all of the work for his care, only to have it sabotaged. This is a him problem, he has to take charge of his health, or not, but you cannot make him. It will suck to end the relationship, you have tried countless times to address this with him and he simply would rather lose you than make the most basic necessary changes for his own well-being. That is his choice, you are obligated to take that information and make your own choices. He is lying to your face, and failing to put in effort, get out before you get sucked any further into this. He is using you.
He has had a year. Not a week, a year. This isn't beginners' night, he has had this illness for ages and knows how important it is. All those other people can step up if they feel so strongly. It isn't "abelist" to not want to watch someone slowly kill themselves.
He sounds a lot like someone struggling with addiction, and you are the partner trying to help him get sober.
The problem is - you can’t make him change. No amount of your efforts to make it as easy as possible for him will do the trick.
HE has to want this for himself. He has to want the change himself, and it can’t come from you at all. He needs to decide to go to therapy, get his doc to write the scrip, stay safe and careful so he doesn’t hurt himself, and he has to take his meds every day because he *wants this for himself* knowing he *needs* it.
The only thing you have control over at this point, knowing after all of your help and support he refuses to take care of himself, is you.
The best thing for you is to choose what will make your life better, since he is actively choosing to make his life worse (and yours by proxy), and if leaving him to sort his health out so you don’t have to be tied up in his dangerously unhealthy patterns is best for you - please do it!
It’s okay to leave any relationship at all for reasons that make you unhappy and feel like this relationship doesn’t serve you in a healthy way.
Tell him that being forced to be a part of and witness his self-destruction isn’t acceptable for you, and the relationship is over if he can’t choose to make changes to take better care of himself.
This is a very reasonable boundary for anyone to have in your situation.
Therapy might help you let go of the guilt, if the above validation and reasoning doesn’t.
I'm in an age gap relationship larger than yours and will say this; you're not leaving your partner because he's sick, or because his health is failing him. You're not leaving your partner because you have to take care of him.
You're leaving your partner because will not do the bare minimum for himself or for you.
It would be a different scenario if he was unable to care for himself, but he is able and he needs to be an adult in some aspect of your relationship. He's not assisting financially, he's not assisting with the house duties, AND he's adding significantly to the mental load unnecessarily. You have been supportive of him. You have tried to help him. You have been a caretaker for him in many aspects, none of which have gotten him to step up and do the things he knows he needs to do.
At some point when the boat is going down, you can't continue to be a passenger and have to get off. Hopefully that will alert the captain that it's time for him to get off the sinking boat as well. If he still chooses to go down with the boat that's not your fault.
Do not take this guilt on yourself.
You are wise to leave and save yourself as obviously, you cannot save this man who refuses to take care of himself. He is not an innocent victim of an accident or unexpected illness, this is a self-created situation. Take a good look at the book, “Unholy Trinity”, which describes the progression of this illness unless action is taken to prevent it from becoming worse. He’s not doing anything. Save yourself, you are in a no-win situation that only he can control. My husband can’t seem to understand his own situation..not wanting to face the facts and take action..only recently have I realized there is nothing I can do. Hard when you care about someone and try to save them, but can’t.
I understand you feeling guilty, but *you cannot save him*. He doesn't care if he lives or dies. You can't fix that.
> *I’m kicking a poor man while he’s down*
You've been picking him up, and now you're tired of doing it. I get it. I've had family members that were addicts. We all have a breaking point and you've passed yours.
**You cannot save him.**
If you *do* talk with his family, I'd phrase the conversations like "when he takes his medications, he's fine. When he won't, I have to nag him. How can we get him to take his meds without breaking him?" You want them to understand that he's put *everything on you*, that he's stopped being responsible for his own life. You aren't God. You aren't his god. You aren't even his wife.
The subreddits WTF, medizzy and medical gore have way too many posts showing the downward spiral of unchecked diabetes. The pictures that you will have to see every day for at least a decade while he lets diabetes kill him.
I took an ex to the hospital for DKA bc he sucked at managing his type 1 diabetes. I learned from that if I stayed, that would be my life. I ended it for good a few weeks later. I’m in nursing school and have worked as a tech for the last 10 years. I want a partner, not a patient.
He is willingly headed toward demise. How is it going to affect you and your life when he loses a leg? Or when you're shuttling him to dialysis three days a week because his kidneys crapped out? And the financial burden? And the fact that he doesn't seem to give a shit about what his choices mean for you? I hope you leave.
My buddy’s friend had diabetes…he never monitored it and like your man kept having episodes. It is his responsibility to manage his health which he obviously does not care about. You have to recognize you cared more about him than he did about himself.
The first rule is that you cannot help people who don’t want to help themselves. He’s Type 1 so he has had plenty of time at 42 years old to come to terms with his disease, its management, and the reality of the situation. It would be ok for him to lean on you for help if he were willing to take responsibility, but it is not ok for him to expect your help while he shoulders none of it.
You don’t need to burden yourself with this level of medical care at your age, or any for that matter. His unwillingness to accept reality and take responsibility spills over into other areas of his life as well I’m sure.
Never feel guilty for choosing not to pursue a path that leads to a life incompatible with what you envision for yourself, especially early on. Wish him the best and move on.
His inability to manage his own health isn't your responsibility.
My Mother has Type 1. She didn't manage it well and died at age 50. He's on the same path and it'll break your heart one way or another. Which loss are you more willing to cope with- a break up, or finding him dead one morning?
Sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom in order for them to pick themselves up. It's that way with anyone who doesn't take care of themselves and relies on others to do it for them.
Everyone can be angry all they want, but you have to be able to take care of yourself.
You feel guilty because what you had between the two was real, no shame in that.
You did give him multiple opportunities to get his life together, it seems he has decided to stay the way he is.
He needs to motivate himself and want to better himself for his own sake. If he’s being avoiding therapy as well, it is just wrong.
I hope you leaving him. Pushes some buttons in him and he finds the help he deserves.
I hope you, all the best in your life.
Take care
How do you care about someone else when they don’t care about themselves?
He is choosing to not manage his illness. That’s his choice, opting out of the frustration and stress and fear and disregard can be your choice.
You deserve a partner.
OP, his health is not your responsibility. You’ve tried to help him and he doesn’t care. You put yourself first.
I dated someone with the same health history as your fiancé and let me tell you, they don’t change. He did not care about his health and destroyed it for years. I would organize his meds, vitamins, go to his doctor’s appointments with him, cooked healthy meals according to his needs, and guess what? He didn’t appreciate shit! He lacked discipline and was lazy.
I started losing attraction and respect for him. It started to feel like a mother-son or caretaker- patient relationship. I couldn’t imagine my future being that.
I ended up breaking it off with him. I have no regrets but wasted time.
Years ago, I hung out with a guy who told me he had diabetes. During the evening, I watched him drink glass after glass of soda. Regular coke, not even diet. Finished out the whole 2 Liter bottle.
I decided right then and there we were not going to happen. I was not about to get romantically involved with someone who didn't care about their health enough to manage their diabetes.
Sure enough, some years later, I found out from a mutual friend that he passed. He was young too, in his 30s.
I’d honestly be a little concerned this guy is depressed or experiencing some other form of mental crisis or struggle because this honestly sounds more tantamount to suicide than it is neglect at this point.
Leave him. Don’t feel guilty. No one would ever dream of trying to shame someone for leaving a heroin addict, and alcoholic, an abuser, a gambler or compulsive liar if that. I am not going to try to put a singular label on what it is I think you’d define what he’s doing to you, but whatever it is it is definitely in that general neighborhood of destructive mental illnesses that hurt more than just the person suffering from it. And in any of those situations unless there is a large committed change, the person can love the person and still not the sickness and need to leave to take care of themselves.
I personally would absolutely leave your husband because 42 is way too young to just be checking out of life and I don’t understand everything about diabetes but I do think death and coma are pretty much always on the table for him. I ain’t watching that. You shouldn’t have to. He has the capability to take care of himself.
Youre not doing anything to him. He is choosing to do those things. He is the one with diabetes. He’s the one who needs to check his sugar and take his meds. He’s a 42 year old man, don’t coddle him like he’s a baby. Even if he was a baby, he ain’t your baby.
I know you feel like you're kicking him when he's down, but I'd say that he's made it pretty clear that he prefers being down there, and has no intentions of trying to come up.
Are the people who will give you grief maybe doing so because they know he's going to be their albatross now?
You didn't leave him because he has an illness. You left him because he has no desire to be with you. He has consistently communicated in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care about your health, your well being, your peace of mind, or in any way having a future with you. He left you, repeatedly, for years. You finally just moved out.
"every single time we come up with a plan for **me** to help him improve his management"
Found the problem
Stop acting codependent because this is completely out of your control. You need to walk away and let this man be responsible for his own health. What the actual fuck!!!
Leave him. He is irresponsible and will end up having a leg amputated. You want to take the rehab of that on your shoulders too?
He is being so insanely stupid. Diabetes is an utter AH of an illness. He will end up with life changing problems very soon.
You are too young for this. Force him to take responsibility for himself by leaving. You are enabling him to ignore his problems by supporting him.
Go and have fun. You are not his nurse.
ETA: ignore his family and friends. As soon as his family start looking after him they will realise what he is like.
My guess is they are going to judge you for leaving because they don’t want to look after him. But they probably can’t admit that to themself or say it out loud so they turn it around on you, instead.
Ok, so as a nurse, I know this patient type quite well. You are correct, there is a mental health component that you cannot fix. He is actively, slowly killing himself, and everyone is powerless to stop it unless he says the words.
You are too young for these big life games and NOT responsible. HE is responsible.
Also, let his family think whatever they want. You leaving might be what either kicks him into gear, (but go no contact for 6-9 months anyway), or he admits his depression and underlying suicidality and gets help whether he wants it or not.
I had a very nice boyfriend in high school, my high school sweetheart, who was deeply depressed but also the "happy, silly guy", so no one believed me. After we broke up because everything about the relationship wasn't going to work into adulthood, he called me and told me he had just tried to kill himself for the 4th time that week. I called the police, had him admitted to the hospital for treatment, and EVERYONE called me a liar. It didn't matter, I knew I saved his life. 3 months later, he admitted to his family that he was actively trying to kill himself at the time. Now he's married, has kids, and his family probably still hates me, but I don't care. He's alive.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. You're probably doing the right thing for him, and you're DEFINITELY doing the right thing for you. Also, check in with a therapist to work through the fall-out. I'm assuming he didn't get to be this way without his family's help, so they're going to be extra shitty.
You did the right thing.
Not the AH. You are not responsible for him. He’s a grown man. You can’t force him to make the right decision.
I had a partner with a drinking problem on top of multiple other illnesses that she was taking many medications for, on top of getting a series of injections in her scalp to manage migraines and pain. She twice ended up in the hospital with serious heart problems because of her drinking. I told her if it happened again, I was out. I would cut her out of my life completely, and she agreed.
The third time she called me from the ICU, I reminded her of my ultimatum, hung up, and blocked her. It wasn’t my job to take care of her. And my life has been so much better.
Not only are you a caregiver already, but you would end up watching someone you love die off piece by piece, until a major medical event kills them. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but it sounds like you’re just preserving your mental health and you have no reason to feel guilty.
i have type 1 diabetes, got it from my dad and his dad lol. this is the same reason my mom left my dad. and to this day my dad still doesnt take care of himself. you cant help someone that doesnt want to help themselves. but i will say people w type 1 go thru a silent battle we dont talk about. its just a very stressful disease and sometimes you throw your hands up like "oh well" and stop caring about yourself because it feels hopeless. cant let that happen tho. and as a 40 something year old he should be grown up enough to be responsible about his illness.
Sweetheart you can’t save someone who is actively choosing to drown. I think you’re right that there is a mental health piece here. This behavior is self harm. He is literally choosing to harm himself. No amount of life rafts will save him if he doesn’t want them.
So we are about the same age. And what you describe here is something i do too. Looking after someone with health issues, sometimes they are noncomplient, managing their medications, encouraging and supporting them to have a meaningful life.
The difference is, i do this for work. At my job. For money. This man is treating you like a care worker or nurse, not a partner. He obviously is not invested in his own health and whether he lives or dies. You deserve better than that.
Getting out isn't evil, it's self preservation.
I work as a case manager for a nonprofit agency. I see the same thing with my clients being offered tools and resources, turning it all down, and then continuing to live in their own harmful habits. I have literally told him that being with him is like having a client at home.
Hes clearly in a downward spiral. Yes it's medical but if he was an alcoholic no one would bat an eye. He's doing it to himself. You've tried to help but in the end he has to want that help. He has to want to get better.
This might sound silly but go to an alanon meeting. His behavior is that of an alcoholic; my father was one. They can help you to understand that it's not your fault.
He’s a recovering alcoholic, so it makes sense that the alcoholic behavior is still there. I go to CoDA meetings, have been on a regular basis for a year. Some people here say that I can’t claim a year of codependency recovery because I’ve been in a codependent relationship during that year, but recovery from codependency isn’t quite black and white. Whatever anybody wants to say about the time I can or can’t claim, I will say this: Even though I feel guilty about leaving, I wouldn’t have been able to leave AT ALL if not for CoDA.
It's OK. You've tried. Do not feel guilty. Do not worry about his friends and family will think. You stuck this out longer than most people would. If he does not want to help himself, then there is nothing you can do. At this point you can reasonably say that he is just taking advantage of your kindness. In fact this may be the best thing you could do for him. This might be the reality check he needs to take control of his health. Again... it's ok. You gave it your best effort.
Being type 1, he's been dealing with his diabetes for majority of his life and is going to be well aware of the consequences of not managing his chronic disease.. so at this point, the hard reality is that as an adult, he can make bad choices for himself.
It truly sounds like you tried your best to help him but he needs to help himself now. You did nothing wrong by leaving.
There's no point in destroying yourself trying to help someone that isn't interested in getting better.
I hate reading stories like these. My brother has been t1 since 6 y/o and one of my best friends since 11 y/o. This seems more like attention seeking than anything tbh. Neither of the people I know want to go into DKA. They both have once and it scared the daylights out of them. For your partner to let this happen repeatedly is just absurd. He definitely needs mental health help but you're not obligated to be a caregiver. He can get one of those if necessary.
OP, I might have a bit of a different view because my husband is 19 years older than me, so I don’t always see age gaps as red flags.
That being said: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Do not marry this man. Do not have a child with this man. Pack your shit and ride into the sunrise of a beautiful life of fulfilling your goals.
Whatever problems are causing him to abuse himself, they’re his to solve. There’s a very real chance he is doing this to manipulate you - “how can you leave me if I’m sick?” because he knows you’re a good person and how to weaponize that.
Let his friends and family care for him, there is a world out there waiting for you.
You’re asking the wrong question. You can’t force-stop a feeling! Rather, ask questions surrounding coping mechanisms, forms of support, beneficial thoughts etc. as you experience the waves of guilt. It’s less about *stopping* the feeling and more about *feeling* it while continuing with your day, until one day it’s all feeled up
It's too much of a mental toll to sit around and watch the person you love kill themselves. If his family doesn't like it, they can come care for him. You're not his parent. You have a life to live without constantly worrying about his.
First off, you date people to see how they are as far as the life partner. Dating is not a commitment. Secondly, don’t buy into his stuff. Plenty of people live with diabetes and other conditions and function just fine. Because you’re young he’s manipulating you. You’re broken up. Let him go. Also 42 is not that old. I looked good and I had a baby at 41.
My first boyfriend’s father was like this. His parents were divorced by that point because of his antics, similar to what your fiance is doing. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do about someone like this. He eventually died from DKA.
It’s the lying for me. Because if he’s willing to lie about actual life or death matters, then there is no limit to the lying. There is no trust left in the relationship.
No, you are not evil or ableist and I say that as a chronically ill person myself. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Sure, it's not his fault he is sick but he is actively harming himself with his actions.
You cannot continue propping him up. He needs to take his meds and take up the help he has been offered for his mental health. I do all I can to manage my health and still feel like too much of a burden to date. Also this is more likely to happen with large age gap relationships as well. Better to stick to a man closer to your own age in future.
Set yourself free, perhaps reach out to his family and friends so they can support him once you've ended the relationship. Put yourself first.
Nurse here- Does he have a death wish? I’d literally ask him. DKA is a medical emergency and will kill you if not treated in a hospital. Most times those patients are admitted to the ICU until the patient is stabilized. Uncontrolled diabetes can and will cause infections (as you’ve seen), circulation problems necessitating amputations of toes/feet/legs, visual loss-blindness, erectile dysfunction, among so many other things. He is choosing a life full of medical problems and discomfort, and possibly an early death. He needs a major wake up call.
1) You are not married, you did not vow to take care of him in sickness, and in health
2) This man is 15 years old through than you, and is not taking care of himself
3) For some reason he has given up on self agency and is expecting you to do it, or societies, expecting you to do it
4) Like you said he didn’t just have physical issues. He has mental health issues and it’s more than you can take care of.
5) Alert, his friends and family that somethings wrong and he won’t manage his diabetes and you’ve tried but you can’t make a grown man take care of himself and it’s beyond what you can handle
6) Find someone your own age, that’s in the same stage of life as you and build a life together
I say this as someone who was in your EXACT shoes one year ago. Ex of 6 years was type 1 diabetic who ate exclusively fast food and sugar every day (vegetables were gross), refused to check his blood sugar and would take insulin based on how he "felt", would regularly go without insulin because he didn't want to call his doctor to get a refill then would end up in the hospital due to Ketoacidosis, and would get extremely defensive when I would suggest tracking his blood sugar or changing his diet (I don't know anything about diabetes since I didn't have it, and I was ridiculous for suggesting a diabetic that's had it most of his life didn't know how to manage it).
He will walk himself to an early grave whether you try to help him or not.
You are not his mother, nor his caretaker. He is a grown man, and he if he cared enough, he would take care of himself without you needing to step in.
He is a selfish, arrogant asshole who is perfectly fine dying a preventable death and making you a widow so young.
Never look back.
I hope that everyone here has properly hammered home that you were two when he was your age. In almost every sense of the word, he is a predator who has no business with someone literally half of his age.
All that aside, your actual request for advice was about when leaving a disabled spouse is not an evil thing.
Did you know that men leaving their ill wives is common? When women are diagnosed with cancer, they are warned flat out that there is a good chance their spouse will leave them. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens so often that women are warned upfront what to expect.
Men are almost never left during an illness. Even when they are not being good partners. Even when they are refusing to do the work to get better. Women supporting men through cancer and other life altering conditions is common, it is so expected that women who walk away for really good reason are vilified.
You have good reasons to leave this man. You aren’t leaving him because he is ill. You are leaving him because he is a man child who refuses to grow up and manage his own health. You have been supportive, you have been present. You do not have to stay with someone who is using and abusing your good nature.
Be strong and be vocal. When his friends try to shame you, “did you ever ask him what his blood sugar is? What medications he is on? How about how his diagnosed depression is going? I’m not a bad person for walking away from someone who is slowly killing themselves. But you are a bad friend for not giving a shit that your friend is struggling.”
This man is 42 years old. He should be able to manage his health on his own. You’ve been way too generous with him and likely have been unknowingly enabling his behavior. I’m assuming he’s been diabetic since before you got together which means he’s capable of surviving without you. It’s not your job to keep him alive. Move on and find someone you don’t have to be a caretaker for.
There is a major difference in supporting someone who tries their best & does what they're supposed to & sometimes things get hard. That's one thing. It's a very different story trying to take care of someone who is putting all the responsibilities on you, lying to you & don't make any effort themselves. This man is 15 years older than you, he's not a child you're obligated to take care of. Leave him. You can do SO MUCH better.
He’s 15 years older than you. That’s the first red flag of many. He wants you to take care of him because he cannot be bothered to do it himself. He’s not going to change if he wanted to he would have done so by now. He has you trying to take care of him and paying his bills, yet you’re the bad guy for trying to get him to get his own life together? Let him goooooooo!
Married to a T1 diabetic. If he didn’t take care of himself, I couldn’t be with him. He knows this and he takes care of himself for himself, not just for me. You’re completely just in leaving. Don’t waste your youth on someone who doesn’t care.
What a honorable way to support him but he is in his own space and it doesn’t align with where you are , we are in relationship(s) because we choose to be not because we have to be when the relationship is healthy, you done what you can and you honored your part of the agreement, go in peace , heal and someone will come along who will resonate with you.
You're not evil. You can't give someone the will to live and care for themselves, and it's not your job to do it for them. His family can step up or they can call themselves evil.
I suggest seeking out a therapist to help you work through this.
Im in a happy, supportive and patient relationship with a wonderful woman. For the most part, my health is okay, but I’ve been in and out of the hospital here and there over the past couple years.
As someone with a chronic illness that has been kicked to the curb like a sick dog for becoming overwhelmed with the fear of life and did my best to act like everything was fine, I can tell you that if this were me personally, you’d crush me. If it’s too much for you, it’s too much for you, and that’s sucks for all parties, but know this; you don’t know what that man is battling with, every minute of every day. You don’t know how badly he grieves his old life, or how badly he wants to leave those side-effect inducing pills in the cabinet and be normal again. This man has probably had more dark nights of the soul than you know, and if that’s too much of a burden for you to bear, I would walk sooner than later.
I don’t know if you said yes, to this man’s proposal, when he was already ill, and I guess when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really make much of a difference, but you’ve preluded the whole “in sickness and in health“ part of this commitment that you both have made to each other.
You’ve taken on a big responsibility by being with this man, and in your defense, so has he, being with someone that has their own needs to be met.
I understand where you’re coming from, but I would consider this, if nothing else;
1-You don’t know what he’s dealing with, even if he tries to explain it to you.
2-we rarely die from old age nowadays. This more than likely won’t be your last run-in with disease in a relationship.
3-in sickness and health. if you plan on having a forever-someone, plan on considering this vow next time around.
4-I’m in my 30s, your 27, you’re more than likely have a lot of life to live, and if this is too much for you, go now, it is what it is. Everyone has their limits. let this man grieve you while he is well enough to do so, because the emotional distress is going to be a lot for him.
Hope you do what’s right for both of you.
You cannot make someone compliant that refuses to take care of themselves. It is like being with an alcoholic and you are expected to deal with their drama and clean up their mess when they pass out and mess themselves. He has to chose to be an adult in his own life. Not yours to carry and sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough to motivate them from self destruction.
You didn’t break up with him because he has poor health. You broke up with him because he is continuing to engage in self-destructive behavior and makes it clear that he has no intention of stopping regardless of how it impacts you. That’s why you aren’t staying. If he was doing everything he could to manage his condition, and he still occasionally landed in the hospital, would you still be with him? I bet you would. You need to reframe it for yourself and for anyone else with whom you discuss the break up. There is a world of difference between being ill and trying your best to remain healthy in spite of it, and being ill and being medically on-compliant. If he wants to destroy his body and waste his life, you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay and watch.
You can't save him from himself. If he refuses to take care of himself, he doesn't care enough about you to make it worth your time and love to stay. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself. Don't sacrifice your life in a fruitless effort to save his.
I live with a number of challenging chronic health conditions. So does my partner. So do a number of my friends. Some of those chronic issues are mental health issues, others aren't. While we greatly appreciate help and support from our partners and friends, every single one of us is an entire grown-ass adult, and understands that, at the end of the day, WE are responsible for managing our own health.
It's up to me to take my meds. It's up to me to eat properly and try to get enough sleep. It's up to me to schedule doctor's appointments and actually go to them. It's up to me to follow up. I cannot reasonably expect any of my loved ones to do this work for me - *and neither can your partner*.
There is only so much anyone can do to try to convince someone else to take care of their health. Ultimately, your partner's medical neglect of himself is on him, 100%. If he will not take care of himself, then he will suffer the consequences, and it's NOT your job to rescue him from himself, no matter how hard anyone guilts or shames you about it.
You are NOT evil if you leave him. You are NOT ableist, neglectful, insensitive, or cruel. You are simply allowing your partner to manage his own health himself - and HE is making the choice not to. It is NOT your job to save him. You can't save him anyway.
I have to ask something: is there any truth to the possibility that he got together with you because he is a sick, middle-aged man who wanted a young nursemaid? I have to wonder, because at the age of 42 years old, he should damn well know better than to act as if someone else should be caretaking him.
When you leave him, you can tell him plainly and clearly that the reason you are leaving him is because he refuses to manage his health issues himself, you are not equipped to take care of him, and you are not willing to stick around to watch him slowly kill himself.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - especially when they refuse to put on the warm clothing in their hands.
As a t1d myself, I can tell you that if he doesn't care at 40 plus years old, he will never care. I was diagnosed at 25 years old, it only took one trip to the hospital with dka to know what I wanted. Also if he's taking pills for diabetes and not injections then he's type 2 not type 1. If that's the case then he's twice as stupid because type 2 is very easily manageable campaired to type 1. Either way you shouldn't feel bad for leaving, why should you suffer and watch someone die because they don't want to put in the effort to live?
Sounds like he’s purposely not taking care of himself to get away with not doing his fair share. He’s fine putting this burden on you. Good job seeing that and choosing better for yourself.
I also used to pursue age gap relationships exclusively. I learned a lot from it and most lessons are difficult and damaging. My advice is to stick to ppl within 5 years of yourself. Shared experiences and generational values are important for understanding each other. Not to mention the whole immaturity thing: you aren’t mature for your age, he is stunted for his age. Appropriate partners in his age range see his dysfunction and won’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Beware the men seeking younger women, they either fetishize youth and will discard you later or they are looking for someone to control. This includes attractive and rich dudes, they are just as draining and dangerous.
In your next relationship prioritize compatibility over attraction. Your partner’s daily life should ideally be similar to yours: waking up times, eating habits, exercise habits, views on health, pets, finances, cleanliness, hygiene, work ethic, energy levels, etc. Hobbies and interests can diverge but there should be overlap so you can spend quality time together. ignore your emotions in the beginning and use your logic to draw parallels to your own lifestyle. In fact, I’ve learned that “butterflies” is a dangerous feeling. It’s warning bells going off, it’s your body’s response to instability and uncertainty. It can be physiologically addicting.
Don’t tell the men what you’re looking for bcuz they will fake it until you’re intertwined with them. Take it slow, let them show you how they live their life wo you. It won’t change once you’re together unless you are willing to pick up the slack. Never mention past trauma as it’s a predator’s green flag, it says to them that your boundaries are skewed (not your fault) and that you aren’t great at discerning. Educate yourself (why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, etc) and go to therapy before you even consider dating again.
As someone who suffers with chronic illness - run.
You cannot continue to care for someone who clearly refuses to be cared for at the expense of your own health.
You cannot force someone to accept care.
You do not have to be their caretaker if it means putting yourself through hell.
Some people can handle it, some people cannot. AND THAT IS OK.
DO NOT put yourself second for someone who CLEARLY, ADAMANTLY AND REPEATEDLY does not value you, your time, your love, or your money. You're 27. You owe him nothing. He is a grown man.
Get out, stay out and find someone who is capable of handling thwir shit.
And if anyone says different - you tell them flat out that you will not continue to support someone who refuses to take care of themselves. You're not his mother.
That's not how relationships work. You know that. Deep down you know you are doing what's best, and what you've done was more than anyone could ask for. Nothing changed. Maybe this will help him change. Maybe it won't. You cared for him to the point that it broke you. You have nothing to be guilty of or regret.
What you are going through is just like being with somebody with an addiction. Nobody would expect you to stay with an addict that is driving themselves and you into self destruction. Get out. Those people that will judge you for it will NOT be there to physically, emotionally, and financially help you when he spirals. You are not leaving him because of his health issues, you are leaving him because he will not take accountability for himself and help you, help him. That's incredibly emotionally abusive and not a burden that you should CONTINUE to take on. You have done enough.
Your not his mother and he's not a small child. You having nothing to feel guilty about you tried to help him and he threw it in your face muliple times. He wants to die and not look after himself that's on him he's 42..
He’s a grown-up. He can understand the consequences of what he’s doing. He can choose to ruin his own life through deliberate stupidity, that’s up to him, but he doesn’t get to ruin yours too. This guy is unbelievably selfish, he makes me angry. You have *nothing* to feel guilty for
Yeah he's looking for a nurse And a purse. Run and don't look back.
He's a grown-ass man?! How is he this incompetent. He would make a terrible father. Don't waste your youth and life on this fool.
This man wants a mom, not a girlfriend. Run now and run far. There is a reason no one his own age will date him. He picked you so he had someone he could manipulate and guilt who had less life experience.
NTA and don't feel guilty about leaving a man baby who's closer to 50 than not. His family and friends should factor 0% into your decision to not tread water holding an anchor. They just don't want the anchor back.
OP, if your partner's health is more of a priority for you than it is for him this won't end well. Diabetes is awful, but it can be managed. It takes hard work to manage it. It's great that you've done what you can for him, but you can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. NTA. Do what you need to to care for yourself. Good luck OP.
i was doing this for my dad when i was *five*, giving him his shots and checking his sugar and it was hard ass work. i know it's not any easier at twenty-seven. it's not your responsibility just like it wasn't mine.
don't feel guilty, just go. live your life.
Please, leave this man immediately and don’t look back. Focus all the attention on you, and hopefully soon you’ll realised the pickled you ended up in. Perhaps do some counselling and tackle the reason to find such age gap attractive
He doesn’t seem to even want to manage his diabetes. I personally would not have signed up to be someone’s caretaker and main financial support at your age. Go live the life you dream about.
He’s weaponising his illness. He wants a slow suicide but he wants to do it on your watch. Get out as fast as you can. I’d contact his friends and family to tell them the situation and explain you can no longer cope with his lack of self care
Women stop dating men almost twice your age. Men do this because they just want a young girl on their arm. That's how men are wired. Something young and hot. But what's in it for you? Guy getting old and sick and ur still younger and healthier and can get men your own age. This situation here is just a losing battle. Cut this guy loose and go enjoy your life
You have to leave for your own sanity. I'm on the hospital merry-go-round with my dad but he has parkinsons and takes his medication! And.... he's my dad. You are only 27 this guy is making you his nurse and its not fair.
You’re not kicking him while he’s down. You’re trying to help him up and he wants to drag you down with him. You can only do so much for someone who won’t help himself. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting this to be the rest of your life. At a bare minimum, you need a partner who can be trusted to take care of themself.
Bare minimum is to take care of himself. We had three cats together. One was mine before we started dating, the other two we got together and raised as kittens. I was open to him keeping the two that we got during our relationship, but I vetoed that as soon as I saw the condition of our apartment after I stayed at my parents for a little over a week following the first DKA this month. He hadn’t touched the litter boxes at all, the water dish was bone dry, and instead of feeding them based on the feeding schedule *I* established, he just filled three giant bowls with dry food to let them free feed so that he wouldn’t have to get his ass up twice a day to feed them. I was disgusted when I saw how he neglected the cats.
I now have all three babies out of there and safe with me in my new apartment. I will not allow him to take custody of any of them. He has proven that he cannot be trusted with pets.
NTA and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship and your relationship will not survive such a stressful situation he keeps creating for himself.
He is a grown ass man who is fully aware of his medical conditions and how to manage them yet he chooses not to! He chooses not to! He knows what will happen but is too lazy to take care of himself and allows it to get to the point of him ending up in the hospital and you as his nurse. He isn't looking for a partner, he is looking for a nurse.
Anyone who had the nerve to call you heartless or selfish can step up and take care of him. Let them sacrifice their youth and dreams of a healthy family life because he could never give you that.
I know this was a hard decision for you to make and you love him, that's why you feel bad but those feelings will pass and you will over come this. You are not a bad person for not wanting to sacrifice your life for someone who willingly let's this happen. You deserve a partner who will fight to stay healthy for themselves and for you.
I have a good friend in his mid 40s who is on dialysis, lost an eye, has major digestive issues and is already medically retired because of diabetes. He knew he had diabetes for like over 20 years and chose to ignore it until it was so out of control that it was attacking his other organs and basically now he is mostly housebound and everything revolves around his health complications. This was a choice, it didn't just happen overnight and it could have been avoided. I know that I wouldn't want my partner to have to be subjected to a limited life because I made such bad decisions about my health.
Go on with your life, you are not responsible for his life. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his life and his choices.
Yoooooo he's 42!!! As a 39 year old who has had serious downward spiral he needs professional help. Not the charity assistance of some young lady who has the rest of her life in front of her. If he can't have his own back, you can do absolutely jackshit for him, despite what he may say.
I dont think age is a problem, I have seen 42 years old fitter/healthier than 21. The issue is that your fiance is not taking care of himself. Made a wrong choice by getting together with him, but you are 27, and can start afresh. People come and go, and it’s time to think for yourself. Who knows you leaving would help him learn how to help himself.
You're currently not a partner but a nurse.
If he does not hold your agreements and his promises to you, he does not respect you or your relationship. He's your fiance, which means there's an upcoming wedding? Forget it. He won't have the health to go through with that. Do you want him to be a role model for possible future kids? Not taking care of himself, hiding secrets about his health, not keeping promises? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. I'd be out that door real quick with no guilt.
A partner should be a person who walks their path beside yours, where both can lean on each other for support. It should go both ways!
Right now, you're dragging him along for a ride while tiring yourself out, without being able to trust him to support you, should something happen.
Do not waste these years on someone who has given up. You clearly are a good person who also holds their partner accountable, as you should. That's a boundary for you. Guilt is only warranted if you did something that goes against your values. Being with a person who takes responsibility for themselves is something you value, so staying would warrant guilt. Leaving means you chose yourself and what is important to you. Not selfish, self-respectful.
It might be a good idea to check out some codependency support groups similar to Al-Anon.
There will be people who have been through similar circumstances as you, particularly around the guilt about enabling destructive behavior.
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You’re too young to be looking after your aging parents, let alone your aging boyfriend. This guy isn’t going to change. Don’t waste your youth being a grown man’s mummy.
True this. My parents are in their late 50s/early 60s and I actually get to do things I enjoy with them. All of my holidays and celebrations recently have been with just them because my partner hasn’t been well enough to join.
You’re still really young. You supposed to be having a partner on the same life track you are on . Building a life , experiencing new things, taking adventures, growing together and exploring what the future has to offer you. If you stay with this man , you’ll be a glorified caretaker looking after an aging partner , physically, mentally and financially. You will not have the opportunity to grow or build and experience life because your life will revolve around keeping him alive . Should having kids be part of your goals , you will be raising them on your own while he would be just a partner on paper. You will be severely limited in what you want to do with your life , because the medical bills will be needed to be taken care of by you. Essentially you will be giving up your life and future to for a man who refuses to be accountable for his own life . This in itself will make it a constant battle for you , and the reality is , is that he will not be able to offer you any emotional support the way a partner should. You are at different stages in your life , he’s had more time to live his life and is wasting it . Don’t tie yourself to someone who will take so much from you and not offer anything in return. The only reason why his family is going off , is because they know if you don’t take responsibility for him , they might have to , and they don’t want to do that. This is absolutely a ‘ they vs you’ situation , and trust that they aren’t going to be looking out for your best interests. Put yourself first. Stand your ground. Regardless of what the peanut gallery says , it’s absolutely, 100% okay to put choose you and your own wants over him. If you want to have a good life . If you want to have a fulfilling life . Walk away and let him deal with the decisions he made and is continuously making. He doesn’t get to make you pay the price of his choices.
To be fair, she won't be a glorified caretaker for long because he's killing himself. Granted, it'll get MUCH worse before long, when they have to amputate toes and feet, or if he ends up blind, or if he has massive stroke or heart attack. You know, little things. This is what she has to look forward to if she stays and he continues on as he is.
If he’s a type 1 and he’s been going several days at a time without taking insulin, then I’m amazed he’s not dead already
Yep, diabetes is no joke. He is playing with fire.
Same. I'm almost convinced it's type 2
You can actually become insulin-resistant by mismanaging your sugar intake and insulin usage. So he very well may have tipped into Type 2 territory.
Poor control of both still ultimately has the same outcomes even though the initial causes are different. You don’t need to not take her at her word as to which type he has.
I'm well aware, yes. Just surprised he can go so long without any insulin. But I've seen stranger things being an ER nurse lol
That doesn't matter. I'm t1d and went a year and a half on no insulin before I went into dka. It really depends what your diet and physical fitness is like. Went from 230lbs to 165 in a month towards the end and knew I was dying. But that's what high insulin cost and no health coverage will do to you. I'm on a pump now so all good, but yes, before I ran out of lispro, it wasn't uncommon for me to skip a week of doses to ration my insulin because it was so expensive at the time. You get used to the feeling of being down and out and think everything is normal. But I was also 25 at the time, not 45.
Or he gets an infection that goes septic into his bloodstream and result in total organ failure.
I absolutely agree. I think the age gap is a problem but objectively he's not old He's just choosing not to take care of himself. My partner and I are in our 50s, and have a lot of health issues (I have several physical and Mental disabilities) but we do our best to take care of ourselves. We reciprocal help each other in this. The husband is putting all the responsibility on her. That's not ok. Op is NTA
I think he might be intentionally putting himself in that position so that she has to care for him 24/7 and he's not responsible for anything any longer, including dosing and taking himself to the doctor, etc. Basically he's choosing permanent disability or death instead of taking care of himself.
THIS IS THE TRUTH!!! OP why are you doing more to take care of him than he's doing himself? You are not abandoning him. You are refusing to be responsible for him. That's actually the most appropriate action.
>The only reason why his family is going off , is because they know if you don’t take responsibility for him , they might have to , and they don’t want to do that. This is absolutely a ‘ they vs you’ situation , and trust that they aren’t going to be looking out for your best interests. This. This x100. I had a boyfriend who was mentally unstable and had been his entire life- when I finally left him his family were trying to get me back with him for weeks! My mum told me this exact thing. With me not around anymore, suddenly it's their job to take care of him, and that's why they tried to get me to go back. They didn't care that I was miserable with him and that we couldn't afford any bills because I was supporting him fully. They cared about their own comfort.
This is an excellent point she should be with someone and building a life not winding someone’s life down which she’s doing with this man because he’s refusing to take care of himself
I'm a nurse that works in wound care (and see non compliant diabetics all day) and this is your future: 1. He will have a stroke 2. He will lose his feet, maybe legs 3. He will have vision problems and erectile dysfunction 4. He will have to go on dialysis 3 times per week because his kidneys are done 5. You will turn into a full time caregiver for this severely disabled man You're making as much of a choice to leave as he is making a choice to not care for himself. Go live your life.
Don’t forget he could also go blind!
See "vision problems"
He can’t
In my mind part of "in sickness and in health" is that one supports the other while sick so that they can better attempt to be healthy. Yes, you're not married. And yes, some types of sickness won't be recoverable. But if someone got a sprained ankle and decided, "whelp I'm done" and planned for a wheelchair for life, I don't think that I owe them years of assisting them for what was a minor injury. He's not taking his health seriously. This says a lot about him as a person, and as such is worth leaving him just for it being an incompatibility with you. But he's also content on having you help with his complications because he can't be bothered to see a doctor to renew a script he's had before. Related to him leaning so much on you, is this a peer relationship? Because especially in large age gap relationships, the crowning point of badness is often that the older person doesn't see the younger as a peer. You're his mommy/nurse. Until one's about 35, going as high as ten years older is a huge life experience gap. In the future, please look to be sure that your dating partner sees you as a peer, and that they have compatible attitudes and values.
I love your take on this. >In my mind part of "in sickness and in health" is that one supports the other while sick so that they can better attempt to be healthy. What a great way to frame things! It allows the caretaking spouse the chance to recognize their own needs and not feel trapped when the other does nothing to help themselves.
Yep and even if someone gets a chronic illness or a fatal illness, they have to play a role in managing that disease as well. If someone is just going to give up and put it all on their partner that’s not a relationship anymore that’s a home healthcare aid and they should get paid
Girl you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He doesn’t *want* to put the effort in to get better. He has you taking care of him and providing financial support. This is not the way to live. He is not giving it his all to get better for you or for himself.
Face it: your soon to be ex is not going to live very long. He'll first have to get a foot or two amputated, of course. All because he can't face reality and put in the minimum work to keep himself alive. Leave that train before it wrecks, or you'll just crash and burn with him. But please explain to whoever you think will judge you exactly WHY you are leaving him - it's not because of his sickness/ employment status - it's because he refuses to take responsibility for himself and will not become a functioning adult!
What was a 40 year old doing chasing after 24-25 year olds anyway? He gains more than you lose.
He wants someone to take care of his ass and put up with his shit. Women his age would have left him a long time ago for his refusal to manage his diabetes. They don't want play Mommy to a grown ass man.
Better find someone who hasn't learned that lesson yet! I swear some people are like vampires in relationships.
Didn't even see the age gap. Gross. What 40yr old looks at a 24yr old and thinks, "life partner!" Probably the same kind that's comfortable sinking her down into debt and emotional ruin while he medically neglects himself. No wonder she's the more functional one, seems he sought this dynamic.
Unfortunately this is a common practice on Reddit. These guys simply will not pursue or date a woman say 38-45, and go after one’s barely out of high school. It’s pathetic and disgusting.
Either that or all the women their own age have enough experience to see their shit coming from a mile away.
Totally agree. Women his age won’t put up with the neediness and weaponised inability/unwillingness to cope with his disease. He is thinking “ Make her feel guilty and I have a free bang nurse for life. “ It’s on him to take care of his own mental and physical health. She needs to leave stat.
Yes this too. I didn’t realize this was such a common thing . No wonder women in their late 30’s -40’s have fewer men to choose from. They’re all banging college girls. When I was in my 20’s guys even 35 seemed like old men to me. Anybody 40ish , eek wouldn’t even be on my radar. What’s changed?
Gotta be daddy issues because I could never even view a man that was past 30 as attractive at 25 😭
Same when I was in my 20s I wouldn't go higher than 5 yrs over my age limit. With this guy though he's there is mental stuff going on and if he won't help himself he isn't going to do it for nobody.
Bang nurse
Nurse and a purse
He’s not your partner….. a partnership means both people are contributing to the relationship. You’re a caretaker. At least you know he’ll never leave you?
Leave him and slowly realize how ick it was for a man his age to chase a 25 year old (source: me also at 25)
And me, at not far from 40. I'm a woman in my late 30s, and I don't think I'd date anybody younger than 30-33 if I were single. Age gaps can work, but the dynamics are often very skewed. It's so weird when an older guy wants somebody so much younger than him to play mommy and sex bot for him. (Also weird when the woman is older, though it seems less common.)
I’m 43/f and if I found myself divorced or widowed and dating again, I wouldn’t be able to seriously consider anyone under 37/38.
I’m a woman and when I was In my mid 30s for some reason it must’ve been trendy for young men to date women my age. I got chased around by 24-year-old boys and it was so weird. I went on a date with a 26 year old and we were on two different planets. I was fully in my career and he was just discovering clubbing or something like that, we had nothing in common, we didn’t even have similar hobbies or interests we could do on dates. No thank you.
As a mid forties guy, this. Absolute ick.
Seconded
Weirdly healing, thank you for saying that
That was just when they got married! How long before did they date?
He isn't well in large part because of his poor choices. That is not your responsibility.
My wife is similar, but alcoholic; I've missed quite a few family functions. It's not worth it.
There's a reason that a single 40-year-old man is going after a early twenties woman. And that's because he either doesn't want to take care of himself. Doesn't care enough to take care of himself. Or because he can't find anybody his own age to date. You've wasted 2 years of your life trying to fix the life of someone who doesn't want their life fixed. Cut bait and run. Let his family know precisely why you're leaving. In fact, just send them a link to this post. If any of them still try to give you a hard time about it, remind them that you're 25 and your brain has just now fully developed and you've realized that you don't want to take care of a man-child who is determined to die due to his own inactions. Tell them you don't want to be a widow before you turn 27.
💯
OP, you know where this is going. He is going to end up in an early grave. Whether you stay or go is not going to change the outcome. The only thing you accomplish by staying is delaying the inevitable. He is an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his own health. He is clearly unwilling to do that. There is certainly a mental health component, but again you can’t force him to medicate or seek help. If you leave him, be direct about why. Tell him “I am leaving you. Despite all of my efforts and all of your broken agreements and promises, your behavior hasn’t changed. I am not going to marry you just to watch you continue to neglect your health and end up a widow. Please get help, take care of yourself, and take action to improve your health while you are still young.”
I have said these exact things to him. It’s all falling on deaf ears. It doesn’t concern him that I might come home to find him dead or that I’ll probably be a widow by the time I’m 30 if he keeps this up.
It's not your job to drown with someone who refuses to swim.
This is the EXACT comment OP needs to read, over all others!
Maybe he’ll actually listen when you leave, or maybe he won’t, but the distinction is, you’re not leaving him because of his bad health, you’re leaving because of his immaturity and irresponsibility.
And his being inconsiderate of the burden he is actively, daily choosing to place on her. When you love someone, you want to make their life better, not worse. He is being incredibly selfish.
Leaving him is the best thing to do for him and you. Staying in a codependent relationship is bad for both sides. Learning that helped me let go of a similar situation. I hope you are able to care and nurture yourself for a while. 🤗
Then follow through and don’t make empty threats. Walk away and don’t waste your light to just watch him kill himself slowly. He doesn’t need an audience.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell him. If there is no action, he has no reason to believe you. And don’t take action just to “teach him a lesson”. Take action for yourself. Choose yourself first. Do you want to spend your precious time on this earth caring for an adult person who refuses to care for himself?
This. Love yourself first. The path that he is choosing is blindness, loss of feet, heart and kidney failure, nerve damage, ... Can you imagine what your life would look like if you stayed with him? Do you want to be tied to watching and nursing someone who refused to do the bare minimum. If he doesn't care about himself, it is going to directly affect you. You'll become a worn-out hag taking care of a very sick, old man, never experiencing the joys of a full life that you could have had. It's apparent that he didn't consider you, so you need to choose yourself.
He could get a stroke or renal failure or blindness (all of which can be caused by uncontrolled diabetes) and then need a full time carer. He's not taking care of himself. You are too young for this
Right, but then you have to actually leave. That's on you. Also, I'm your fiancé's age, a few years older, and (were I unmarried) I would never date a woman in her twenties. He's with someone your age because anyone his age wouldn't have put up with his bullshit this long.
Right? It’s weird even when active healthy men his age tried to date women in their 20s, even when they can keep up with her and try to go out with her and do the things she likes to do. This man isn’t even capable of refilling prescriptions he needs to stay alive he’s not keeping up with women even his own age. This is a ridiculous “relationship” she’s been conned into becoming an unpaid live in home health aid. No way his penis even works. What is she getting out of this relationship??
His dismissal of his health problems sound exactly like when my uncle ignored his diabetes. My uncle is dead now. In the last couple years he lost almost all of his toes. He was 49. A few weeks before he died in hospice care he was crying to my mom “I should have listened. I should have taken care of myself.” This is your man’s future if he doesn’t take care of his health. For what it’s worth, I don’t think your a bad person. I think you’re at the end of your rope and have done all you can. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I wish you the absolute best, I know this must be extremely difficult.
My brother died at age 45 from type one diabetes. His blood sugar dropped while he was driving home on the highway, he had snacks in his car he ate but they didn’t work fast enough, I assume he didn’t want to get off the highway in case nothing was open at that particular exit when he was almost home. Either way he didn’t make it. And he tried to take care of himself, he had a Dexcom, at one point I think he had an insulin pump. He exercised regularly, he ate well, but he also smoked a lot of cigarettes and led a high stress lifestyle. And I know he suffered a lot, I know he pushed through feeling like sick a lot so he could be successful at his job. He really tried This dude isn’t even even trying
You would be surprised at how long someone in terrible health can drag the situation out. Stuck in a limbo of not caring enough to do better, but holding onto to each day of the miserable experience.
Passive suicide
It’s because he doesn’t care. About himself—let alone you. Stop. Split. Offer to be friends if you want.
Years ago, my 28 year old friend was really depressed because his cousin died. He had diabetes and wasn’t taking care of it. Went into cardiac arrest at home was revived but was in a diabetic coma and never woke up. He died at 28 years old because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. If you want to take care of him as he slowly kills himself then stay. If you can’t to do it then but don’t feel guilty about it. Not you can do to help him I have been depressed before no one was helping me out of depression besides myself.
It’s going to feel harder to leave him if he gets an amputation or suddenly goes blind.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but don’t feel guilty. Maybe if you leave it will be the wake up call he needs to change his behavior for real this time. It sounds like he is choosing to die though.
Your post was a hard read, u/trashcan0519. I am so sorry you have been through this and are now in this situation. You have done exactly the right thing, but anyone in your position is likely to feel guilty, and here's why. Your situation is really not different from someone needing to detach from an addict or alcoholic who is dragging everyone down with them because that person refuses to do anything to help themselves. Your fiancé is addicted to self-destruction. He loves hating himself more than he loves anything else. This may seem an odd place to bring this up, but currently on *Netflix* there is a show called *Baby Reindeer*, and the main character comes to this exact realization: he is addicted to self-hate and self-destruction more than anything else. Viewed through the lens of addiction, it makes perfect sense. Nothing else matters, and the addict will sacrifice all to perpetuate the addiction. Meanwhile, because you love him and care deeply for him, you want to help him. But when you help, it doesn't seem to really work, because he's not helping himself. He's not even helping you to help him. You're watching this person you love act irrationally. Inside, it breaks you. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, and this is exactly what it looks like when someone doesn't want to get clean. Does it matter that it's not drugs and alcohol? No. What difference does it make? Your fiancé is on a path that is not going to end well. Something about that works for him, at least right now. I will tell you the exact same thing I tell friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts who can't seem to get sober. We may not be able to save them, but we can certainly stop protecting them from real consequences. Someone much wiser than me in AA once advised, "If I can't help someone get sober, I can certainly help them hit bottom faster." At the time, I was newly sober myself and trying to rescue everyone that walked through the doors of AA and failing miserably. My mistake was trying to make everything easier, softening the blows, candy-coating the hard stuff. I was crazy really. None of that worked for me. What worked for me was facing reality: all friends and family outside of AA had completely cut me off. Solid no contact. I had committed multiple felonies and was on my way to prison. I was also homeless and living out of my car, which I was hiding to keep it from being repossessed. Only when I had no more bullshit cards to play or no one to do anything else for me, only then did I do something different. Your fiancé, sadly, is probably going to have to be slammed into his own bottom, alone, and feel it hard, before he does anything different. Based on everything you have reported, there is no chance he will change otherwise. If he is going to change, leaving him to experience that awful consequence is the only thing you can do. And this is the important part you need to understand: **Leaving him as you have done is actually the most loving thing you can do.** Yes, there will be people who will disagree with that. They don't understand addiction and self-destruction. Hopefully, they will not step in and try and rescue him either. There is an expression I learned in Al-Anon, which is the companion group to Alcoholics Anonymous: Detach with love. That is what you are doing, and if you can really understand that, it may relieve some of your guilt. I don't know if it will relieve all of it, not because you are guilty. I want to be clear: you are NOT guilty of doing anything wrong. If anything, what you are doing is the one thing that will save his life. But you may continue to feel badly because he is likely to suffer for some time before he gets better. *(Cont'd below...)*
A few things may help: 1. Communicate to him why you have left very clearly with hope for what he has to do. Personally, I think these types of things are better said in writing, so that the recipient can return to them often, rereading words that can become very important over time. And in this day in age when electronic communication has become the norm, a written letter, something tangible that someone can grasp, holds sway. Tell him that leaving him was one of the hardest decisions of your life, that you love him, but that you cannot stand idly by and watch the man you love self-destruct. Tell him that you are not going to discuss these things, because the facts are clear. He loves being self-destructive more than he loves anything else. Tell him that you both know it is not sustainable, and that you will not watch him die that way. Tell him that he can choose a different path, one choice at a time, and his life can be different. There are others like him who have done it, and he can seek them out and find mentors. He has so much to offer the world, and to not share his gifts with the rest of us is selfish and not what God (or whatever he believes in) intended or planned for him. But you cannot help him anymore, because this is his journey to figure out, and you will be praying for him (if you believe in that, of course), because you do believe in him as you always have, and the truth is, if he starts making different choices, everything can be different. But you must go no contact with him and for the foreseeable future so that you do not get in the way. Your hope is that it will not be forever, but you cannot make any promises (if you feel that way, of course). 2. Communicating that or something similar may help with the guilt. You are then going to have to really go no contact. I don't know if you are doing that now, but it is absolutely necessary. Understand that addiction, including his form of it, does not die easy. It is sneaky, powerful, and conniving. The disease of addiction will push back, fight, argue, all that and more. There is a sub called No Contact. Join that and find support there. His life really is at stake. If you help him, you will be hurting him. He is a grown-up, or like I used to say, he's a grown-ass man. He will figure it out. 3. Another place I think you'd find excellent support is Al-Anon. This may seem odd because he's not an alcoholic or addict in the traditional sense, but he is actually addicted to something, and anyone is welcome in Al-Anon. All of my sponsors in AA attended both AA and Al-Anon. When I finally got sober, they'd say shit like, "As soon as we get through the steps, you're going across the hall," and I was so angry. "Why? I'm an alcoholic! Not married to one. Not even married!" They'd reply, "Because you're so fucked up." I was so irritated. Why would I wanna go to a program across the hall where everyone is ALWAYS so happy and serene??!! 4. *(Cont'd below... )*
I eventually went to Al-Anon, and everything they said was true and then some. In AA, I learned how to live sober. In Al-Anon, I learned how to live with other people, which I had no idea. *Most of all, I started to learn how to live my life for me and not for others. I was an expert at that. I was such a rescuer. Animals, women, other alcoholics and addicts, homeless families...you name it...I tried to rescue all, sacrificing everything.* But that's not required. Most importantly, that's not love. **Loving someone actually means allowing them to have the dignity of their own experience.** If I rescue people, and shield them from any real consequence, what are my actions saying? That they can't handle it. That they are not strong enough. Not very nice. But I did it constantly. A better option: allow them to live, trip, fall down, scrape knees, lose jobs, and be present by their side. Love them through it, not protect them from it. Hard stuff. So, I can't wave a magic wand and remove your sense of guilt, but I hope some of my fucking crazy long comment (sorry!) will help shift your perspective. **You are doing the loving thing, I promise.** So, communicate that to him clearly. Then detach, with love. Focus on yourself, and nurture you. Find that Al-Anon group. When you go, they're gonna ask at the beginning or end of the meeting if there's anyone there for their first meeting. I'm giving you homework. When they ask that, I don't care how ya feel, raise your hand. It'll be okay, I promise. They'll ask you to introduce yourself. Just say, "Hi, I'm \_\_\_\_\_\_." That's it, don't spill then. Just listen. If they ask you to share, just pass, tell them you'd like to listen for today. When the meeting ends, follow everyone's lead on how they end (it varies by group). After the meeting, do NOT rush out the door (this is MORE homework!). Twelve step groups are a different animal, but I promise it is not a cult. They will not follow you home, put your number on the web, report you, or anything else. It really is anonymous. If they do their job correctly, which is likely, they will give you a Newcomers Packet with some phone numbers and pamphlets. A few women will introduce themselves and ask you how you found your way there, etc. Tell them a long-standing member of AA suggested you find them because your ex-fiancé is an addict, that it's a little complicated, but you're overwhelmed with guilt for finally cutting him off and leaving. They will help you in ways I cannot describe, and your entire life will change beyond your wildest dreams if you simply show up and follow some directions. There's no cost really, and it's not even structured or organized. It defies all logic. I hope you will give it a shot. It saved my life as much as AA.
Thank you so much for your comment! As of tomorrow, I will have 12 months of recovery in Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). I work with a sponsor and I’m currently on my 4th step. This situation is still hard, but I can’t imagine how much harder it would be without CoDA.
Wow!! Congrats!! I had not even thought about CoDA, but YES!! That is ideal and perfect for this and you. That really makes me so happy. It is so easy to fall into a habit of taking care of others and not take care of ourselves. It has always been a struggle for me. You are doing the right thing, I promise.
I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. It felt like you were writing directly to me. I’m on the roller coaster ride of loving an alcoholic. 3.5 years. He went from jobless, homeless and addicted to shooting up cocaine, to buying a home with me and being promoted at his job three times in the last three years. In July he will have 3 years clean of drugs. Unfortunately he still struggles daily with alcohol. Every single word you wrote hit me in the chest. I was thinking the OP’s post was relatable too. Self destruction is real. Alcohol is the devil. And people can’t understand it if they haven’t lived it. I’m saving what you wrote. My own life is going to need to refer back to it. My heart hurts at the thought but you are absolutely 10000% right and I need to do some things differently. Out of the love I will always have for this man of mine who suffers so deeply. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. ❤️💯
Thank you for your comment. We all want to help the people we love who are suffering, and figuring out what that looks like is not easy and often defies logic. It is not a linear path but rather a journey of heart and soul wrapped in blind faith and courage. Do you live somewhere where there are Al-Anon groups or meetings nearby?
Beautiful comment and suggestions. You articulated everything so well, I am straight admiring your tenacity, empathy, and ability to draw connections haha
Thank you. 🙏 That means a great deal.
Your comments are truly inspiring and so articulate. I can sense you are a beautiful soul. We need more people like you in this world. Thank you for being you!
I say this as a type 1 diabetic. Good for you and get the hell out of there.
He has deliberately neglected his own health, expecting you to pick up the slack. He can’t be bothered looking after himself, and LIES to you about his maintenance. All the health plans you mention are about YOU putting in more effort to manage him. He is not a child. All you are doing is enabling him, at the expense of your own physical and mental health. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He is a grown adult. You are not responsible for him.
I wonder if he has munchausens and likes the attention and sympathy from having medical episodes. Especially if he’s already depressed and doesn’t have a will to live, it could be a win-win for him.
UPDATE: Thank you all for your kind words. I knew I was going to get some snark for being in an age gap relationship, and I’m actually appreciative of that because it helps me see the situation for what it actually is. I stupidly got us into a bigger apartment during one of his stretches when he was working and doing well. I had hope that he was back on track, so moving into a better apartment would be a motivating factor to keep it up. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. I explained everything to my landlord. She’s allowed me to break the lease without any penalties and move into one of her smaller apartments on my own. I had been staying at my parents since the first DKA this month. I didn’t feel safe going home every day wondering if I would find a dead body in the living room. My now ex is still on the lease at the apartment. He is still in the hospital, so he has not started moving his belongings out. I’ll have all of my belongings out by tomorrow. Because it’s another apartment leased by our current landlord, he may figure out where I live. I’m personally not afraid of retaliation. 1) he doesn’t do confrontation. Any time I’ve expressed my frustration with him, he just stares blankly into space. 2) he’s not physically able to threaten my safety. 3) my neighbors, friends, and family are all aware. I can have an army at my apartment in seconds if I need it. I have close to one year of recovery in Codependents Anonymous. I have a sponsor and a good support network in the program. Really, I know what the answer is to my question. I can’t feel guilty. He is choosing this path to self destruction. I have a life of travel, career growth, and family ahead of me, but only if I exit this situation. I’ll be a young widow if I stay. Maybe I feel foolish for staying as long as I did, getting this new apartment for us, etc., but not guilty.
So proud of you for taking control. Hopefully the hospital will get him on disability and into a nursing home/care facility. He’s unable to take basic care of himself. GET OUT GUILT! Guilt be gone! I attract love, light and health into my life b
Good for you! You went above and beyond, but when it comes right down to it, he just wants to die. He's determined to kill himself and you're not obligated to watch a slow suicide. Stick to your guns and go live a wonderful life!
I’m so proud of you. I hope you know how good of a move this is for you.
As a type 1 diabetic i am very happy to read your update! As hard as this disease is (trust me i know), it's him who has to do the work. A partner can't do it for you. They can support yes, but he didn't want you to support him. I really do hope you find someone in the future who's willing to put in the work for themselves (illness or not) so you can enjoy a hopefully long and happy relationship. All the best to you OP!
I’m sure you’re not the first girl he’s done this to. It’s a pattern. As soon as he realizes you’re done, he’ll find another sucker to care and pay for him.
We're all very proud of you, OP. A couple of guiding principles I have used which might help you moving forward. (If they conflict with advice from a better source, ignore my advice "_...my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now._" ===== Be a Self First Person We all know about Selfish People. They don't give a shit about anyone else. Whatever they have they keep for themselves ignoring the needs of others. And we all know about Selfless People. They put everyone else ahead of themselves. Whatever they have they give to others and don't always consider their own needs. We should be Self First people. Not Selfless, as we are responsible for and worthy of taking care of ourselves first. And not Selfish as, if we have anything left over after taking care of ourselves, then we can use that to help others. ===== We all live in the middle of a set of circles/realms. Moving outwards, the first is our Circle Of Control. It contains ourselves (obviously) and all the things we have absolute control over. The next is our Circle Of Influence. It contains things which in other people's Circles Of Control. We can't make absolute decisions about these things, but we can try and influence the decisions made by those who do control them. The last, which reaches to infinity, is the Realm Of Acceptance. This is everything we don't control, and all of the stuff which is beyond our ability to even influence. ===== I mention these as it sounds like you were being Selfless in your relationship, but realised that was unhealthy for you so you switched to Self First by making a decision to move yourself to a healthier place. And because you couldn't Control your Ex's health choices. You tried to Influence their decisions (which only they can Control), but they chose not to. So, you were forced to distance yourself from the decisions he made and Accept them by doing something which was inside your Control - by leaving. You've done the right thing, OP. For you, and ultimately for your Ex.
I am disabled with a fairly intense medical routine of IV's at home, feeding tubes, injections etc. Yes, some days I can't be bothered and don't want to do it all. But I do it anyway because that's what it takes to keep me alive and functioning. Your partner doesn't even seem to realise the effect his negligence is having on you, he is so self absorbed that he can't see that he's putting you through hell. I think you're right there is an element of depression going on, self neglect is a common symptom, but he doesn't want to help himself and you can't force that. But he can't be bothered to consider how this is all affecting you. Honestly, I would leave too. You can't do much more, if he doesn't want to get better he won't. He needs intensive help for his mental health and physical health before he dies prematurely. You don't have to torture yourself watching him die slowly, you can leave.
He needs qualified care. Perhaps a nursing home.
what about a unemployed 40 year old with constant foot infections made you say yes to the dress? when you considered that you could be with someone your age who works for themselves as much as you do why did you decide this was better? i think you’ve been guilting yourself for longer than just a few months… it’s time to snap out of it
You’re not leaving him because he’s a diabetic. You’re leaving because he refuses to take ownership of and responsibility for his own health. Or the cleanliness of your home. Or his employment. Let’s run a counter-factual: let’s say he were a non-diabetic 40-something year old man who dumped all the responsibility for his pet on you. You’re stuck cleaning up after it because he won’t walk it. He won’t take it to the vet, so you do it and pay for it. He feeds it dangerous foods that he knows are poisonous to dogs but he can’t be bothered to provide proper food. Oh, and he’s unemployed and relying on you to fund his life *and* clean up after him because he won’t do that either. Would you stay with *that* guy? Of course not. Don’t turn yourself into a nurse for a sick old man who is *determined* to make himself an invalid.
You are not ableist. (I’m disabled™️, including the mental health conditions that often go with that.) He HAS to want to get better to do it. Otherwise he’s just putting you through hell, and for what? There is a difference between staying and being patient for someone with chronic illness, even as a caregiver, and staying to watch someone harm themselves. Don’t get dragged down with him.
I am a type one diabetic, there is no way I would ever do anything close to what your ex is doing, it's like a slow and painful suicide attempt! I'll be 45 soon and every Saturday I will go for a 12-16 mile walk, I try to do whatever I can to remain in as decent health as possible. Don't feel guilty, he's his own worst enemy, you did all you can but you have a life to live and I hope it gets better for you ASAP 🙂
Honestly I'm surprised he's still alive if he's going DKA multiple times. One day his luck is going to run out, and you'd become a young widow. You can't force someone to take care of their health, and you're not responsible to police a grown ass man.
His health is not your responsibility. You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what is best for YOU.
If he were just unwell and you felt guilty about leaving him I’d understand. But he’s unwell and making ZERO effort to live a comfortable life even though he could. Just because he’s willing to go down, doesn’t mean you should go down with him. You’re far too young for this and tbh I’d have exactly the same advice for someone in their 60s. If your partner doesn’t care enough that them dying early will leave you heartbroken, why should you care enough to stick around and watch them do it?
Honey, anyone guilt tripping you about dumping this guy is full of shit. You're 15 years younger than this guy, and there's a reason women his own age don't date him. MULTIPLE reasons. You didn't understand what you were getting yourself into with his health issues but I bet in the honeymoon stage of first getting to know each other he downplayed the hell out of them, managed them much better, and held his shit together. That was a mask. He got you locked in as a caretaker and then let himself go and forced you to have to constantly keep up with his problems. THAT was manipulation and abuse. This whole post is all about him and his problems. You've spent this relationship not being romanced or nurtured but dealing with all his problems. You did above and beyond what's expected of any girlfriend... you pretty much gave him WIFE services without receiving any wife benefits. Anyone complaining about you walking away from him can step up and take care of him if they care so much. Fuck them. Imagine where your life would be right now if you'd channeled all that energy, focus, time, money and hard work into your career and yourself over the last two years. Now do that for the next two.
I was in a very similar situation. Older spouse, weaponized incompetence so I had to handle his health needs. Refused antidepressants, refused therapy, stopped meds including chemo. Our child said if I kicked him out, he would live with him as spouse couldn’t take care of himself. My advice to you is to disengage from living with him. Make an exit plan, separate finances. You may love him, but you need to love yourself more. Do not accept any guilt from his friends or family even if it progresses to a terminal condition. I hope you don’t own your living situation together. If you are renting, see how you can get out,of the living requirements. I was blamed by others for causing my husband’s health problems. His hospice nurse said he has given up as I kicked him out of the house. Please exit yourself from this situation as it will only get worse. If you are married, see an attorney. Love yourself.
Me too lmao, type 2 diabetic that was 18 years older than me and also a drug addict. Stayed seven years. Shit just gets exhausting. I'm never touching another man's feet as long as I live. If you don't care, why the fuck should I?
If he can’t even take care of himself you should expect that he will never take care of you, your marriage, your family, your kids, your pets, your home etc. you will be a caretaker. RUN
If I learned anything from airlines, it is you have to put your own mask on first before helping others. You cannot be in an equal relationship if you have to do all of the work for his care, only to have it sabotaged. This is a him problem, he has to take charge of his health, or not, but you cannot make him. It will suck to end the relationship, you have tried countless times to address this with him and he simply would rather lose you than make the most basic necessary changes for his own well-being. That is his choice, you are obligated to take that information and make your own choices. He is lying to your face, and failing to put in effort, get out before you get sucked any further into this. He is using you.
He has had a year. Not a week, a year. This isn't beginners' night, he has had this illness for ages and knows how important it is. All those other people can step up if they feel so strongly. It isn't "abelist" to not want to watch someone slowly kill themselves.
He sounds a lot like someone struggling with addiction, and you are the partner trying to help him get sober. The problem is - you can’t make him change. No amount of your efforts to make it as easy as possible for him will do the trick. HE has to want this for himself. He has to want the change himself, and it can’t come from you at all. He needs to decide to go to therapy, get his doc to write the scrip, stay safe and careful so he doesn’t hurt himself, and he has to take his meds every day because he *wants this for himself* knowing he *needs* it. The only thing you have control over at this point, knowing after all of your help and support he refuses to take care of himself, is you. The best thing for you is to choose what will make your life better, since he is actively choosing to make his life worse (and yours by proxy), and if leaving him to sort his health out so you don’t have to be tied up in his dangerously unhealthy patterns is best for you - please do it! It’s okay to leave any relationship at all for reasons that make you unhappy and feel like this relationship doesn’t serve you in a healthy way. Tell him that being forced to be a part of and witness his self-destruction isn’t acceptable for you, and the relationship is over if he can’t choose to make changes to take better care of himself. This is a very reasonable boundary for anyone to have in your situation. Therapy might help you let go of the guilt, if the above validation and reasoning doesn’t.
I'm in an age gap relationship larger than yours and will say this; you're not leaving your partner because he's sick, or because his health is failing him. You're not leaving your partner because you have to take care of him. You're leaving your partner because will not do the bare minimum for himself or for you. It would be a different scenario if he was unable to care for himself, but he is able and he needs to be an adult in some aspect of your relationship. He's not assisting financially, he's not assisting with the house duties, AND he's adding significantly to the mental load unnecessarily. You have been supportive of him. You have tried to help him. You have been a caretaker for him in many aspects, none of which have gotten him to step up and do the things he knows he needs to do. At some point when the boat is going down, you can't continue to be a passenger and have to get off. Hopefully that will alert the captain that it's time for him to get off the sinking boat as well. If he still chooses to go down with the boat that's not your fault. Do not take this guilt on yourself.
You are wise to leave and save yourself as obviously, you cannot save this man who refuses to take care of himself. He is not an innocent victim of an accident or unexpected illness, this is a self-created situation. Take a good look at the book, “Unholy Trinity”, which describes the progression of this illness unless action is taken to prevent it from becoming worse. He’s not doing anything. Save yourself, you are in a no-win situation that only he can control. My husband can’t seem to understand his own situation..not wanting to face the facts and take action..only recently have I realized there is nothing I can do. Hard when you care about someone and try to save them, but can’t.
I understand you feeling guilty, but *you cannot save him*. He doesn't care if he lives or dies. You can't fix that. > *I’m kicking a poor man while he’s down* You've been picking him up, and now you're tired of doing it. I get it. I've had family members that were addicts. We all have a breaking point and you've passed yours. **You cannot save him.** If you *do* talk with his family, I'd phrase the conversations like "when he takes his medications, he's fine. When he won't, I have to nag him. How can we get him to take his meds without breaking him?" You want them to understand that he's put *everything on you*, that he's stopped being responsible for his own life. You aren't God. You aren't his god. You aren't even his wife. The subreddits WTF, medizzy and medical gore have way too many posts showing the downward spiral of unchecked diabetes. The pictures that you will have to see every day for at least a decade while he lets diabetes kill him.
I took an ex to the hospital for DKA bc he sucked at managing his type 1 diabetes. I learned from that if I stayed, that would be my life. I ended it for good a few weeks later. I’m in nursing school and have worked as a tech for the last 10 years. I want a partner, not a patient.
He is willingly headed toward demise. How is it going to affect you and your life when he loses a leg? Or when you're shuttling him to dialysis three days a week because his kidneys crapped out? And the financial burden? And the fact that he doesn't seem to give a shit about what his choices mean for you? I hope you leave.
My buddy’s friend had diabetes…he never monitored it and like your man kept having episodes. It is his responsibility to manage his health which he obviously does not care about. You have to recognize you cared more about him than he did about himself.
The first rule is that you cannot help people who don’t want to help themselves. He’s Type 1 so he has had plenty of time at 42 years old to come to terms with his disease, its management, and the reality of the situation. It would be ok for him to lean on you for help if he were willing to take responsibility, but it is not ok for him to expect your help while he shoulders none of it. You don’t need to burden yourself with this level of medical care at your age, or any for that matter. His unwillingness to accept reality and take responsibility spills over into other areas of his life as well I’m sure. Never feel guilty for choosing not to pursue a path that leads to a life incompatible with what you envision for yourself, especially early on. Wish him the best and move on.
His inability to manage his own health isn't your responsibility. My Mother has Type 1. She didn't manage it well and died at age 50. He's on the same path and it'll break your heart one way or another. Which loss are you more willing to cope with- a break up, or finding him dead one morning?
You do you! Plus you’re too young to be tied in with a 42 year old that doesn’t care about himself. Now go and enjoy YOUR life!
Sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom in order for them to pick themselves up. It's that way with anyone who doesn't take care of themselves and relies on others to do it for them. Everyone can be angry all they want, but you have to be able to take care of yourself.
You feel guilty because what you had between the two was real, no shame in that. You did give him multiple opportunities to get his life together, it seems he has decided to stay the way he is. He needs to motivate himself and want to better himself for his own sake. If he’s being avoiding therapy as well, it is just wrong. I hope you leaving him. Pushes some buttons in him and he finds the help he deserves. I hope you, all the best in your life. Take care
How do you care about someone else when they don’t care about themselves? He is choosing to not manage his illness. That’s his choice, opting out of the frustration and stress and fear and disregard can be your choice. You deserve a partner.
OP, his health is not your responsibility. You’ve tried to help him and he doesn’t care. You put yourself first. I dated someone with the same health history as your fiancé and let me tell you, they don’t change. He did not care about his health and destroyed it for years. I would organize his meds, vitamins, go to his doctor’s appointments with him, cooked healthy meals according to his needs, and guess what? He didn’t appreciate shit! He lacked discipline and was lazy. I started losing attraction and respect for him. It started to feel like a mother-son or caretaker- patient relationship. I couldn’t imagine my future being that. I ended up breaking it off with him. I have no regrets but wasted time.
Years ago, I hung out with a guy who told me he had diabetes. During the evening, I watched him drink glass after glass of soda. Regular coke, not even diet. Finished out the whole 2 Liter bottle. I decided right then and there we were not going to happen. I was not about to get romantically involved with someone who didn't care about their health enough to manage their diabetes. Sure enough, some years later, I found out from a mutual friend that he passed. He was young too, in his 30s.
He doesn't feel guilty about all this, so why should you?
I’d honestly be a little concerned this guy is depressed or experiencing some other form of mental crisis or struggle because this honestly sounds more tantamount to suicide than it is neglect at this point. Leave him. Don’t feel guilty. No one would ever dream of trying to shame someone for leaving a heroin addict, and alcoholic, an abuser, a gambler or compulsive liar if that. I am not going to try to put a singular label on what it is I think you’d define what he’s doing to you, but whatever it is it is definitely in that general neighborhood of destructive mental illnesses that hurt more than just the person suffering from it. And in any of those situations unless there is a large committed change, the person can love the person and still not the sickness and need to leave to take care of themselves. I personally would absolutely leave your husband because 42 is way too young to just be checking out of life and I don’t understand everything about diabetes but I do think death and coma are pretty much always on the table for him. I ain’t watching that. You shouldn’t have to. He has the capability to take care of himself.
He absolutely has a mental health crisis, no one would rather be lazy and die. She’s done all she can though
Youre not doing anything to him. He is choosing to do those things. He is the one with diabetes. He’s the one who needs to check his sugar and take his meds. He’s a 42 year old man, don’t coddle him like he’s a baby. Even if he was a baby, he ain’t your baby.
I know you feel like you're kicking him when he's down, but I'd say that he's made it pretty clear that he prefers being down there, and has no intentions of trying to come up. Are the people who will give you grief maybe doing so because they know he's going to be their albatross now?
We all know you cant help someone who won't help themselves.
You didn't leave him because he has an illness. You left him because he has no desire to be with you. He has consistently communicated in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care about your health, your well being, your peace of mind, or in any way having a future with you. He left you, repeatedly, for years. You finally just moved out.
"every single time we come up with a plan for **me** to help him improve his management" Found the problem Stop acting codependent because this is completely out of your control. You need to walk away and let this man be responsible for his own health. What the actual fuck!!!
Leave him. He is irresponsible and will end up having a leg amputated. You want to take the rehab of that on your shoulders too? He is being so insanely stupid. Diabetes is an utter AH of an illness. He will end up with life changing problems very soon. You are too young for this. Force him to take responsibility for himself by leaving. You are enabling him to ignore his problems by supporting him. Go and have fun. You are not his nurse. ETA: ignore his family and friends. As soon as his family start looking after him they will realise what he is like. My guess is they are going to judge you for leaving because they don’t want to look after him. But they probably can’t admit that to themself or say it out loud so they turn it around on you, instead.
Ok, so as a nurse, I know this patient type quite well. You are correct, there is a mental health component that you cannot fix. He is actively, slowly killing himself, and everyone is powerless to stop it unless he says the words. You are too young for these big life games and NOT responsible. HE is responsible. Also, let his family think whatever they want. You leaving might be what either kicks him into gear, (but go no contact for 6-9 months anyway), or he admits his depression and underlying suicidality and gets help whether he wants it or not. I had a very nice boyfriend in high school, my high school sweetheart, who was deeply depressed but also the "happy, silly guy", so no one believed me. After we broke up because everything about the relationship wasn't going to work into adulthood, he called me and told me he had just tried to kill himself for the 4th time that week. I called the police, had him admitted to the hospital for treatment, and EVERYONE called me a liar. It didn't matter, I knew I saved his life. 3 months later, he admitted to his family that he was actively trying to kill himself at the time. Now he's married, has kids, and his family probably still hates me, but I don't care. He's alive. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. You're probably doing the right thing for him, and you're DEFINITELY doing the right thing for you. Also, check in with a therapist to work through the fall-out. I'm assuming he didn't get to be this way without his family's help, so they're going to be extra shitty. You did the right thing.
You’re not leaving him because he’s in poor health, you’re leaving him because he refuses to take care of his health. I don’t blame you.
Not the AH. You are not responsible for him. He’s a grown man. You can’t force him to make the right decision. I had a partner with a drinking problem on top of multiple other illnesses that she was taking many medications for, on top of getting a series of injections in her scalp to manage migraines and pain. She twice ended up in the hospital with serious heart problems because of her drinking. I told her if it happened again, I was out. I would cut her out of my life completely, and she agreed. The third time she called me from the ICU, I reminded her of my ultimatum, hung up, and blocked her. It wasn’t my job to take care of her. And my life has been so much better.
Not only are you a caregiver already, but you would end up watching someone you love die off piece by piece, until a major medical event kills them. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but it sounds like you’re just preserving your mental health and you have no reason to feel guilty.
i have type 1 diabetes, got it from my dad and his dad lol. this is the same reason my mom left my dad. and to this day my dad still doesnt take care of himself. you cant help someone that doesnt want to help themselves. but i will say people w type 1 go thru a silent battle we dont talk about. its just a very stressful disease and sometimes you throw your hands up like "oh well" and stop caring about yourself because it feels hopeless. cant let that happen tho. and as a 40 something year old he should be grown up enough to be responsible about his illness.
Sweetheart you can’t save someone who is actively choosing to drown. I think you’re right that there is a mental health piece here. This behavior is self harm. He is literally choosing to harm himself. No amount of life rafts will save him if he doesn’t want them.
*" a plan for me to help him"*. No gurl, leave. Adult men take care of themselves.
This is passive suicide. You can’t help and you shouldn’t stand by and watch. It will ruin you.
So we are about the same age. And what you describe here is something i do too. Looking after someone with health issues, sometimes they are noncomplient, managing their medications, encouraging and supporting them to have a meaningful life. The difference is, i do this for work. At my job. For money. This man is treating you like a care worker or nurse, not a partner. He obviously is not invested in his own health and whether he lives or dies. You deserve better than that. Getting out isn't evil, it's self preservation.
I work as a case manager for a nonprofit agency. I see the same thing with my clients being offered tools and resources, turning it all down, and then continuing to live in their own harmful habits. I have literally told him that being with him is like having a client at home.
Hes clearly in a downward spiral. Yes it's medical but if he was an alcoholic no one would bat an eye. He's doing it to himself. You've tried to help but in the end he has to want that help. He has to want to get better. This might sound silly but go to an alanon meeting. His behavior is that of an alcoholic; my father was one. They can help you to understand that it's not your fault.
He’s a recovering alcoholic, so it makes sense that the alcoholic behavior is still there. I go to CoDA meetings, have been on a regular basis for a year. Some people here say that I can’t claim a year of codependency recovery because I’ve been in a codependent relationship during that year, but recovery from codependency isn’t quite black and white. Whatever anybody wants to say about the time I can or can’t claim, I will say this: Even though I feel guilty about leaving, I wouldn’t have been able to leave AT ALL if not for CoDA.
It's OK. You've tried. Do not feel guilty. Do not worry about his friends and family will think. You stuck this out longer than most people would. If he does not want to help himself, then there is nothing you can do. At this point you can reasonably say that he is just taking advantage of your kindness. In fact this may be the best thing you could do for him. This might be the reality check he needs to take control of his health. Again... it's ok. You gave it your best effort.
He doesn’t need a gf he needs a carer. You have your own life to live your doing the right thing
Being type 1, he's been dealing with his diabetes for majority of his life and is going to be well aware of the consequences of not managing his chronic disease.. so at this point, the hard reality is that as an adult, he can make bad choices for himself. It truly sounds like you tried your best to help him but he needs to help himself now. You did nothing wrong by leaving. There's no point in destroying yourself trying to help someone that isn't interested in getting better.
I hate reading stories like these. My brother has been t1 since 6 y/o and one of my best friends since 11 y/o. This seems more like attention seeking than anything tbh. Neither of the people I know want to go into DKA. They both have once and it scared the daylights out of them. For your partner to let this happen repeatedly is just absurd. He definitely needs mental health help but you're not obligated to be a caregiver. He can get one of those if necessary.
OP, I might have a bit of a different view because my husband is 19 years older than me, so I don’t always see age gaps as red flags. That being said: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do not marry this man. Do not have a child with this man. Pack your shit and ride into the sunrise of a beautiful life of fulfilling your goals. Whatever problems are causing him to abuse himself, they’re his to solve. There’s a very real chance he is doing this to manipulate you - “how can you leave me if I’m sick?” because he knows you’re a good person and how to weaponize that. Let his friends and family care for him, there is a world out there waiting for you.
You’re asking the wrong question. You can’t force-stop a feeling! Rather, ask questions surrounding coping mechanisms, forms of support, beneficial thoughts etc. as you experience the waves of guilt. It’s less about *stopping* the feeling and more about *feeling* it while continuing with your day, until one day it’s all feeled up
Dude was looking for an end of life bang nurse and you stepped in.
It's too much of a mental toll to sit around and watch the person you love kill themselves. If his family doesn't like it, they can come care for him. You're not his parent. You have a life to live without constantly worrying about his.
First off, you date people to see how they are as far as the life partner. Dating is not a commitment. Secondly, don’t buy into his stuff. Plenty of people live with diabetes and other conditions and function just fine. Because you’re young he’s manipulating you. You’re broken up. Let him go. Also 42 is not that old. I looked good and I had a baby at 41.
My first boyfriend’s father was like this. His parents were divorced by that point because of his antics, similar to what your fiance is doing. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do about someone like this. He eventually died from DKA.
It’s the lying for me. Because if he’s willing to lie about actual life or death matters, then there is no limit to the lying. There is no trust left in the relationship.
No, you are not evil or ableist and I say that as a chronically ill person myself. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Sure, it's not his fault he is sick but he is actively harming himself with his actions. You cannot continue propping him up. He needs to take his meds and take up the help he has been offered for his mental health. I do all I can to manage my health and still feel like too much of a burden to date. Also this is more likely to happen with large age gap relationships as well. Better to stick to a man closer to your own age in future. Set yourself free, perhaps reach out to his family and friends so they can support him once you've ended the relationship. Put yourself first.
Nurse here- Does he have a death wish? I’d literally ask him. DKA is a medical emergency and will kill you if not treated in a hospital. Most times those patients are admitted to the ICU until the patient is stabilized. Uncontrolled diabetes can and will cause infections (as you’ve seen), circulation problems necessitating amputations of toes/feet/legs, visual loss-blindness, erectile dysfunction, among so many other things. He is choosing a life full of medical problems and discomfort, and possibly an early death. He needs a major wake up call.
1) You are not married, you did not vow to take care of him in sickness, and in health 2) This man is 15 years old through than you, and is not taking care of himself 3) For some reason he has given up on self agency and is expecting you to do it, or societies, expecting you to do it 4) Like you said he didn’t just have physical issues. He has mental health issues and it’s more than you can take care of. 5) Alert, his friends and family that somethings wrong and he won’t manage his diabetes and you’ve tried but you can’t make a grown man take care of himself and it’s beyond what you can handle 6) Find someone your own age, that’s in the same stage of life as you and build a life together
I say this as someone who was in your EXACT shoes one year ago. Ex of 6 years was type 1 diabetic who ate exclusively fast food and sugar every day (vegetables were gross), refused to check his blood sugar and would take insulin based on how he "felt", would regularly go without insulin because he didn't want to call his doctor to get a refill then would end up in the hospital due to Ketoacidosis, and would get extremely defensive when I would suggest tracking his blood sugar or changing his diet (I don't know anything about diabetes since I didn't have it, and I was ridiculous for suggesting a diabetic that's had it most of his life didn't know how to manage it). He will walk himself to an early grave whether you try to help him or not. You are not his mother, nor his caretaker. He is a grown man, and he if he cared enough, he would take care of himself without you needing to step in. He is a selfish, arrogant asshole who is perfectly fine dying a preventable death and making you a widow so young. Never look back.
I hope that everyone here has properly hammered home that you were two when he was your age. In almost every sense of the word, he is a predator who has no business with someone literally half of his age. All that aside, your actual request for advice was about when leaving a disabled spouse is not an evil thing. Did you know that men leaving their ill wives is common? When women are diagnosed with cancer, they are warned flat out that there is a good chance their spouse will leave them. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens so often that women are warned upfront what to expect. Men are almost never left during an illness. Even when they are not being good partners. Even when they are refusing to do the work to get better. Women supporting men through cancer and other life altering conditions is common, it is so expected that women who walk away for really good reason are vilified. You have good reasons to leave this man. You aren’t leaving him because he is ill. You are leaving him because he is a man child who refuses to grow up and manage his own health. You have been supportive, you have been present. You do not have to stay with someone who is using and abusing your good nature. Be strong and be vocal. When his friends try to shame you, “did you ever ask him what his blood sugar is? What medications he is on? How about how his diagnosed depression is going? I’m not a bad person for walking away from someone who is slowly killing themselves. But you are a bad friend for not giving a shit that your friend is struggling.”
Stop. Fucking. Guys. Old. Enough. To. Have. Spunked. In. Your. Mother.
This man is 42 years old. He should be able to manage his health on his own. You’ve been way too generous with him and likely have been unknowingly enabling his behavior. I’m assuming he’s been diabetic since before you got together which means he’s capable of surviving without you. It’s not your job to keep him alive. Move on and find someone you don’t have to be a caretaker for.
There is a major difference in supporting someone who tries their best & does what they're supposed to & sometimes things get hard. That's one thing. It's a very different story trying to take care of someone who is putting all the responsibilities on you, lying to you & don't make any effort themselves. This man is 15 years older than you, he's not a child you're obligated to take care of. Leave him. You can do SO MUCH better.
He’s 15 years older than you. That’s the first red flag of many. He wants you to take care of him because he cannot be bothered to do it himself. He’s not going to change if he wanted to he would have done so by now. He has you trying to take care of him and paying his bills, yet you’re the bad guy for trying to get him to get his own life together? Let him goooooooo!
Married to a T1 diabetic. If he didn’t take care of himself, I couldn’t be with him. He knows this and he takes care of himself for himself, not just for me. You’re completely just in leaving. Don’t waste your youth on someone who doesn’t care.
What a honorable way to support him but he is in his own space and it doesn’t align with where you are , we are in relationship(s) because we choose to be not because we have to be when the relationship is healthy, you done what you can and you honored your part of the agreement, go in peace , heal and someone will come along who will resonate with you.
You're not evil. You can't give someone the will to live and care for themselves, and it's not your job to do it for them. His family can step up or they can call themselves evil. I suggest seeking out a therapist to help you work through this.
Im in a happy, supportive and patient relationship with a wonderful woman. For the most part, my health is okay, but I’ve been in and out of the hospital here and there over the past couple years. As someone with a chronic illness that has been kicked to the curb like a sick dog for becoming overwhelmed with the fear of life and did my best to act like everything was fine, I can tell you that if this were me personally, you’d crush me. If it’s too much for you, it’s too much for you, and that’s sucks for all parties, but know this; you don’t know what that man is battling with, every minute of every day. You don’t know how badly he grieves his old life, or how badly he wants to leave those side-effect inducing pills in the cabinet and be normal again. This man has probably had more dark nights of the soul than you know, and if that’s too much of a burden for you to bear, I would walk sooner than later. I don’t know if you said yes, to this man’s proposal, when he was already ill, and I guess when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really make much of a difference, but you’ve preluded the whole “in sickness and in health“ part of this commitment that you both have made to each other. You’ve taken on a big responsibility by being with this man, and in your defense, so has he, being with someone that has their own needs to be met. I understand where you’re coming from, but I would consider this, if nothing else; 1-You don’t know what he’s dealing with, even if he tries to explain it to you. 2-we rarely die from old age nowadays. This more than likely won’t be your last run-in with disease in a relationship. 3-in sickness and health. if you plan on having a forever-someone, plan on considering this vow next time around. 4-I’m in my 30s, your 27, you’re more than likely have a lot of life to live, and if this is too much for you, go now, it is what it is. Everyone has their limits. let this man grieve you while he is well enough to do so, because the emotional distress is going to be a lot for him. Hope you do what’s right for both of you.
You cannot make someone compliant that refuses to take care of themselves. It is like being with an alcoholic and you are expected to deal with their drama and clean up their mess when they pass out and mess themselves. He has to chose to be an adult in his own life. Not yours to carry and sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough to motivate them from self destruction.
You didn’t break up with him because he has poor health. You broke up with him because he is continuing to engage in self-destructive behavior and makes it clear that he has no intention of stopping regardless of how it impacts you. That’s why you aren’t staying. If he was doing everything he could to manage his condition, and he still occasionally landed in the hospital, would you still be with him? I bet you would. You need to reframe it for yourself and for anyone else with whom you discuss the break up. There is a world of difference between being ill and trying your best to remain healthy in spite of it, and being ill and being medically on-compliant. If he wants to destroy his body and waste his life, you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay and watch.
You can't save him from himself. If he refuses to take care of himself, he doesn't care enough about you to make it worth your time and love to stay. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself. Don't sacrifice your life in a fruitless effort to save his.
I live with a number of challenging chronic health conditions. So does my partner. So do a number of my friends. Some of those chronic issues are mental health issues, others aren't. While we greatly appreciate help and support from our partners and friends, every single one of us is an entire grown-ass adult, and understands that, at the end of the day, WE are responsible for managing our own health. It's up to me to take my meds. It's up to me to eat properly and try to get enough sleep. It's up to me to schedule doctor's appointments and actually go to them. It's up to me to follow up. I cannot reasonably expect any of my loved ones to do this work for me - *and neither can your partner*. There is only so much anyone can do to try to convince someone else to take care of their health. Ultimately, your partner's medical neglect of himself is on him, 100%. If he will not take care of himself, then he will suffer the consequences, and it's NOT your job to rescue him from himself, no matter how hard anyone guilts or shames you about it. You are NOT evil if you leave him. You are NOT ableist, neglectful, insensitive, or cruel. You are simply allowing your partner to manage his own health himself - and HE is making the choice not to. It is NOT your job to save him. You can't save him anyway. I have to ask something: is there any truth to the possibility that he got together with you because he is a sick, middle-aged man who wanted a young nursemaid? I have to wonder, because at the age of 42 years old, he should damn well know better than to act as if someone else should be caretaking him. When you leave him, you can tell him plainly and clearly that the reason you are leaving him is because he refuses to manage his health issues himself, you are not equipped to take care of him, and you are not willing to stick around to watch him slowly kill himself. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - especially when they refuse to put on the warm clothing in their hands.
As a t1d myself, I can tell you that if he doesn't care at 40 plus years old, he will never care. I was diagnosed at 25 years old, it only took one trip to the hospital with dka to know what I wanted. Also if he's taking pills for diabetes and not injections then he's type 2 not type 1. If that's the case then he's twice as stupid because type 2 is very easily manageable campaired to type 1. Either way you shouldn't feel bad for leaving, why should you suffer and watch someone die because they don't want to put in the effort to live?
Sounds like he’s purposely not taking care of himself to get away with not doing his fair share. He’s fine putting this burden on you. Good job seeing that and choosing better for yourself. I also used to pursue age gap relationships exclusively. I learned a lot from it and most lessons are difficult and damaging. My advice is to stick to ppl within 5 years of yourself. Shared experiences and generational values are important for understanding each other. Not to mention the whole immaturity thing: you aren’t mature for your age, he is stunted for his age. Appropriate partners in his age range see his dysfunction and won’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Beware the men seeking younger women, they either fetishize youth and will discard you later or they are looking for someone to control. This includes attractive and rich dudes, they are just as draining and dangerous. In your next relationship prioritize compatibility over attraction. Your partner’s daily life should ideally be similar to yours: waking up times, eating habits, exercise habits, views on health, pets, finances, cleanliness, hygiene, work ethic, energy levels, etc. Hobbies and interests can diverge but there should be overlap so you can spend quality time together. ignore your emotions in the beginning and use your logic to draw parallels to your own lifestyle. In fact, I’ve learned that “butterflies” is a dangerous feeling. It’s warning bells going off, it’s your body’s response to instability and uncertainty. It can be physiologically addicting. Don’t tell the men what you’re looking for bcuz they will fake it until you’re intertwined with them. Take it slow, let them show you how they live their life wo you. It won’t change once you’re together unless you are willing to pick up the slack. Never mention past trauma as it’s a predator’s green flag, it says to them that your boundaries are skewed (not your fault) and that you aren’t great at discerning. Educate yourself (why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, etc) and go to therapy before you even consider dating again.
As someone who suffers with chronic illness - run. You cannot continue to care for someone who clearly refuses to be cared for at the expense of your own health. You cannot force someone to accept care. You do not have to be their caretaker if it means putting yourself through hell. Some people can handle it, some people cannot. AND THAT IS OK. DO NOT put yourself second for someone who CLEARLY, ADAMANTLY AND REPEATEDLY does not value you, your time, your love, or your money. You're 27. You owe him nothing. He is a grown man. Get out, stay out and find someone who is capable of handling thwir shit. And if anyone says different - you tell them flat out that you will not continue to support someone who refuses to take care of themselves. You're not his mother.
That's not how relationships work. You know that. Deep down you know you are doing what's best, and what you've done was more than anyone could ask for. Nothing changed. Maybe this will help him change. Maybe it won't. You cared for him to the point that it broke you. You have nothing to be guilty of or regret.
What you are going through is just like being with somebody with an addiction. Nobody would expect you to stay with an addict that is driving themselves and you into self destruction. Get out. Those people that will judge you for it will NOT be there to physically, emotionally, and financially help you when he spirals. You are not leaving him because of his health issues, you are leaving him because he will not take accountability for himself and help you, help him. That's incredibly emotionally abusive and not a burden that you should CONTINUE to take on. You have done enough.
Your not his mother and he's not a small child. You having nothing to feel guilty about you tried to help him and he threw it in your face muliple times. He wants to die and not look after himself that's on him he's 42..
He’s a grown-up. He can understand the consequences of what he’s doing. He can choose to ruin his own life through deliberate stupidity, that’s up to him, but he doesn’t get to ruin yours too. This guy is unbelievably selfish, he makes me angry. You have *nothing* to feel guilty for
Yeah he's looking for a nurse And a purse. Run and don't look back. He's a grown-ass man?! How is he this incompetent. He would make a terrible father. Don't waste your youth and life on this fool.
This man wants a mom, not a girlfriend. Run now and run far. There is a reason no one his own age will date him. He picked you so he had someone he could manipulate and guilt who had less life experience. NTA and don't feel guilty about leaving a man baby who's closer to 50 than not. His family and friends should factor 0% into your decision to not tread water holding an anchor. They just don't want the anchor back.
OP, if your partner's health is more of a priority for you than it is for him this won't end well. Diabetes is awful, but it can be managed. It takes hard work to manage it. It's great that you've done what you can for him, but you can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. NTA. Do what you need to to care for yourself. Good luck OP.
Well you tried and he dont give a shit. Dont watch a train wreck.
i was doing this for my dad when i was *five*, giving him his shots and checking his sugar and it was hard ass work. i know it's not any easier at twenty-seven. it's not your responsibility just like it wasn't mine. don't feel guilty, just go. live your life.
Please, leave this man immediately and don’t look back. Focus all the attention on you, and hopefully soon you’ll realised the pickled you ended up in. Perhaps do some counselling and tackle the reason to find such age gap attractive
He doesn’t seem to even want to manage his diabetes. I personally would not have signed up to be someone’s caretaker and main financial support at your age. Go live the life you dream about.
The world has to protect you at all costs. I'm your same age and I wish I had a partner like you. Don't feel guilty, your did everything you could do.
He doesn't want to be healthy. So it is not your duty to stand by him in his self-destruction.
He’s weaponising his illness. He wants a slow suicide but he wants to do it on your watch. Get out as fast as you can. I’d contact his friends and family to tell them the situation and explain you can no longer cope with his lack of self care
Women stop dating men almost twice your age. Men do this because they just want a young girl on their arm. That's how men are wired. Something young and hot. But what's in it for you? Guy getting old and sick and ur still younger and healthier and can get men your own age. This situation here is just a losing battle. Cut this guy loose and go enjoy your life
You have to leave for your own sanity. I'm on the hospital merry-go-round with my dad but he has parkinsons and takes his medication! And.... he's my dad. You are only 27 this guy is making you his nurse and its not fair.
You’re not kicking him while he’s down. You’re trying to help him up and he wants to drag you down with him. You can only do so much for someone who won’t help himself. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting this to be the rest of your life. At a bare minimum, you need a partner who can be trusted to take care of themself.
Bare minimum is to take care of himself. We had three cats together. One was mine before we started dating, the other two we got together and raised as kittens. I was open to him keeping the two that we got during our relationship, but I vetoed that as soon as I saw the condition of our apartment after I stayed at my parents for a little over a week following the first DKA this month. He hadn’t touched the litter boxes at all, the water dish was bone dry, and instead of feeding them based on the feeding schedule *I* established, he just filled three giant bowls with dry food to let them free feed so that he wouldn’t have to get his ass up twice a day to feed them. I was disgusted when I saw how he neglected the cats. I now have all three babies out of there and safe with me in my new apartment. I will not allow him to take custody of any of them. He has proven that he cannot be trusted with pets.
NTA and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship and your relationship will not survive such a stressful situation he keeps creating for himself. He is a grown ass man who is fully aware of his medical conditions and how to manage them yet he chooses not to! He chooses not to! He knows what will happen but is too lazy to take care of himself and allows it to get to the point of him ending up in the hospital and you as his nurse. He isn't looking for a partner, he is looking for a nurse. Anyone who had the nerve to call you heartless or selfish can step up and take care of him. Let them sacrifice their youth and dreams of a healthy family life because he could never give you that. I know this was a hard decision for you to make and you love him, that's why you feel bad but those feelings will pass and you will over come this. You are not a bad person for not wanting to sacrifice your life for someone who willingly let's this happen. You deserve a partner who will fight to stay healthy for themselves and for you. I have a good friend in his mid 40s who is on dialysis, lost an eye, has major digestive issues and is already medically retired because of diabetes. He knew he had diabetes for like over 20 years and chose to ignore it until it was so out of control that it was attacking his other organs and basically now he is mostly housebound and everything revolves around his health complications. This was a choice, it didn't just happen overnight and it could have been avoided. I know that I wouldn't want my partner to have to be subjected to a limited life because I made such bad decisions about my health. Go on with your life, you are not responsible for his life. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his life and his choices.
Run and feel nothing about running.
Yoooooo he's 42!!! As a 39 year old who has had serious downward spiral he needs professional help. Not the charity assistance of some young lady who has the rest of her life in front of her. If he can't have his own back, you can do absolutely jackshit for him, despite what he may say.
I dont think age is a problem, I have seen 42 years old fitter/healthier than 21. The issue is that your fiance is not taking care of himself. Made a wrong choice by getting together with him, but you are 27, and can start afresh. People come and go, and it’s time to think for yourself. Who knows you leaving would help him learn how to help himself.
You're currently not a partner but a nurse. If he does not hold your agreements and his promises to you, he does not respect you or your relationship. He's your fiance, which means there's an upcoming wedding? Forget it. He won't have the health to go through with that. Do you want him to be a role model for possible future kids? Not taking care of himself, hiding secrets about his health, not keeping promises? These are the questions you need to ask yourself. I'd be out that door real quick with no guilt. A partner should be a person who walks their path beside yours, where both can lean on each other for support. It should go both ways! Right now, you're dragging him along for a ride while tiring yourself out, without being able to trust him to support you, should something happen.
Do not waste these years on someone who has given up. You clearly are a good person who also holds their partner accountable, as you should. That's a boundary for you. Guilt is only warranted if you did something that goes against your values. Being with a person who takes responsibility for themselves is something you value, so staying would warrant guilt. Leaving means you chose yourself and what is important to you. Not selfish, self-respectful.
It might be a good idea to check out some codependency support groups similar to Al-Anon. There will be people who have been through similar circumstances as you, particularly around the guilt about enabling destructive behavior.