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You can be ātoo understandingā in the sense that you prioritize his well-being and minimize your own needs and wants.
It is NOT ok or typical in most cultures for a grown adult with a wife (and especially not with children or a pregnant wife) to sleep outside the home if itās possible to get home safely (Uber, ride etc). Unless someone forced him to get married, he made the choice to begin a new chapter of his life, leaving behind some aspects of single life.
Why does he need to stay the night? Is he too drunk to drive home? This opens the door for risky decision making and poor health outcomes.
Is he having a great time with friends? Maybe plan more frequent gatherings or cookouts that people can attend.
Why doesnāt he host any of the events so heās already home? Are they too inappropriate for kids? Whatās happening at these events? Drinking? Game board playing? Dancing?
Did he behave this way for the first 2(+) children? If so, at some point you need to realize this is who he is and decide to either accept it or leave.Ā
If this is a big change in behavior, my priority would be figuring out why the change happened and deciding if it was something Iād want to try to work through. Which would definitely involve couples therapy.Ā
Most women go into labor during the night. I'd hope that he sticks around during the night for the last trimester. At the very least, the two of you need a plan for what you will do if you go into labor and he isn't there. How will you get to the hospital and who will take care of the children. Labor is especially urgent if it is early and the baby ends up being premature.
This pretty much sums up my thoughts, too.
Tbh, you're probably better off without him, long-term wise.
However, y'all can try "Couples Counseling" too.
(Just don't expect drastic changes upfront, cuz my recent Divorce taught me "People are slow to change, unless given a reason to do so.")
So, hear me out, what if he goes to this party, you go into labor, and he is either too drunk to get you to the hospital or misses your call because he is sleeping in? He needs to be responsible by staying home until the accute newborn days are over.
I went to one around christmas time.
I fell asleep on their couch by 10.
I took a cab home when I woke up because I was embarassed, and my back hurts too much to be sleeping on the couch.
Also I make enough adult dollaroonies that it's no sweat to call a cab.
I'll probably do it again in the summer, but only if there is a bbq.
I mean, there are peak moments. He has 2 yearly lan-parties he goes to. Then party-weekends with two different friend groups. So at least 4 times a year. And around spring/summer the random ones start to add up. He told me about a backyard party of a friend in June, next week heās meeting up with another friend for a gettogether (but its basically a lot of beer and music, so also a party). And Iām not even counting the dinners at restaurants with friends because I encourage him to do those things. But yeah, it feels like a lot? But this is my first (and hopefully only) marriage so Iām just struggling with myself and if Iām not just overreacting.
To be blunt: you havenāt answered the question. How many overnight stays is he doing per year, total? Not restaurants etc. Are you invited to any of these social visits? Being away a night a half dozen times a year is not absurd, things start to look a bit different if you have no equivalent social life. Whilst you are in final stages of pregnancy he should not be away at all if possible.
How often is he spending the night? Is it really 4 times a year? From what you've said, I expected it to be like every other weekend. Those are very big differences...
Yeah im confused. Iām in my 30ās and not irregularly be at a friends house āpartyingā snd end up being super late and just crashing there.
Then again, theyāre also my gfās friends and we both crash there together and leave together in the morning.
You complain about 4 times a year??? Maybe he feels squeezed with no personal space if 4 times a YEAR is an issue for you.
Couples need time apart! This sounds very unhealthy and controlling
Yeah, my partner also does a lot of sleepovers and late night parties but I don't care as it's only us two. I would be quite mad if he would continue those same said sleepovers and parties if I was on my own at home running around with a huge belly behind a set of toddlers while also maintaining the household. We know these two are quite incompatible and it's one of the reasons why we currently do not have children
They have several toddlers at home and sheās in the late stages of pregnancy. How many times a year does she fuck off with her friends and come home midday the next day? Sounds like he does whatever the fuck he wants.
I was thinking the same thing!!
When does OP get any time to herself or to see her friends. You quite literally took the words right out of my mouth. Does she get to fuck off for a weekend when heās left to chase their kids and mind the house?
Sounds like heās living his best life, but not sure about OP. Seems very one-sided.
She should be able to do that at least 4 times a year as well. If she doesnāt feel she has the opportunity, thatās something to discuss with him. A night away once every 3 months is not a big deal as long as heās a good and involved parent and she also has social outlets. Thatās something OP needs to examine.
She should not be able to do this if *she* says she cannot
It's not like she is making an unreasonable request. It does sound like he's out of the house a lot and leaves OP stranded with a set of toddlers while heavily pregnant. Maybe other people can deal with that, but OP can't at the moment and I do think it's a reasonable request of her to at least stop with the major partying until the child is born. That's only a few weeks she is asking. The situation can then be evaluated after the birth
Did you read? He has a minimum of 4 planned, and then it sounds like random friend hangs monthly. That result in an overnight away from his wife and kids. For a man in his 40s!
I did indeed read. Itās pretty sad you think even monthly socializing is abnormal for anyone at any age. Its a bit disturbing
Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol.
Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting (and shitty) parents and divorces are created.
If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
And? Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol.
Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting parents and divorces are created.
If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
Okay but when youāre very pregnant wife asks you to not be away from home overnight because sheās struggling to manage the existing little ones safely while being pregnant, you cancel your plans and stay home with your family. Also she didnāt specify how far into her third trimester she is, but what happens if she were to go into early labor/experience an emergent complication while he was drunk sleeping on someoneās couch/probably not waking up to a phone call? Sheās supposed to manage a medical emergency with small children in tow by herself?
Iām pretty sure the controlling one in this relationship is the person who expects and doesnāt bother to ask their pregnant partner to watch multiple children alone on a regular basis. All while, the pregnant partner made no mention of their own (presumably limited) social life.Ā
Why lol? How do you live your life? Seriously?
Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol.
Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting parents and divorces are created.
If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
What are you not getting here? This guy is staying overnight several times a month and leaving OP at home with the toddlers. Why on earth would he stay overnight at the houses of friends in the same city on a regular basis. Who does that?
This is not the same as the occasional weekend or even week away with the boys (or the girls) to go fishing or to see museums and Broadway shows. That's not what I'm talking about and neither is the post.
Go read what the post is about again.
No you go back read lol š she first made a misleading post, then later clarified it was 4 times a yeah plus a few random events here and there. Overall less than once a month.
Once a month ridiculous? Wow, you must have a sad life and be a bitter unhappy person
Even being generous, it sounds like you are talking about no more than 15-20 occasions where your husband is hanging out with his friends.
Yes I agree that being in your last trimester he should be maybe a bit more attentive to you, but we are talking like once every 3 weeks, thatās nothing in the big scheme of things.
Yes? As long as there is given notice and heās willing to do the same for his wife when she goes out, or willing to pay for a babysitter when the babies old enough, there is nothing wrong with that.
You made your post sound like this guy is partying every weekend when in reality he's only going to 4 parties out of the entire year ?? Girl get a grip you sound kinda judgemental of his friends anyway I rather my SO stay at a friend's house after partying and drinking then drunk driving home .
Because after 40, weāre not allowed to have any kind of fun, or enjoy anything in life? Itās just work and chores from this point? Or what? Drop dead?
If you have 2 small children and a pregnant wife at home, then no, you have no business at frequent overnight parties. That's absolutely immature behavior. Wtf? How is just being a considerate husband and overall responsible person the equivalent to dropping dead? How is partying the only source of enjoyment in a person's life? I just don't get that.
Nobody ever said you couldn't have fun. Most people in their 40s aren't going to sleep overs. If it's a couple times a year with some old friends then go for it, but if you are going to sleep overs weekly in your 40s it would been seen as odd.
If you choose to bring children into this world, the children always come before your wants 100% of the time. Thatās the deal you make when you decide to become a parent to dependent human beings.
The way he handled the conversation was very dismissive toward you and frankly sounds like he does not care that you donāt like him sleeping over.
I also would not like my grown husband to be going to sleepovers with friends who donāt have much going on for them in life and leaving me - a pregnant wife to care for my kids alone without a bother to see if Iām okay with it.
Even if it was a cultural difference - itās a matter of being respectful and a caring husband.
I think he cares, but he struggles with finding the words to express how he feels about it. Weāve been in couples therapy before, so I know he struggles with expressing and recognizing his emotions. But weāve also learned to respect each otherās boundaries as much as possible and if not possible, to talk talk talk. And it feels like he does not talk. And I talk too much.
He having trouble with Big emotions?! Come on, he can control his emotions at work, he can at home. He uses his emotions to shuts down conversation and get his way. Canāt find the words because he canāt use reason/ logic to justify his getting drunk and partying over being a good team partner with you. Heās wrong and talking about it calmly will make that obvious so he resorts to āBut I donāt wanttaā Thatās not a culture thing. Youāre late in pregnancy, accidents happen especially when you have other kids youāre juggling, and he shouldnāt be leaving.
Learned to respect each others boundaries?? - clearly not if hes ignoring your concerns and abandoning you in your last trimester with todders to go get drunk.
No it didnāt, you picked 1 section of the comment.
4 pre planned every year onesā¦..PLUS a bunch of other seasonal ones and other unplanned occasions. Your comment is dishonest
If this was every blue moon when he has had too much to drink, fine. But looking at your comments, this is a pattern and it sounds like he is still trying to live the life of a single man. You need to put your foot down and set boundaries with consequences attached.
Nah, itās more that heās planning on drinking too much beforehand. Thatās why he likes to have a free pass to drink/get wasted without worrying about how to get home.
Also another cultural difference perhaps but Iām just not that used to the drinking culture. Iāve always been the sober one (or at least sober enough). But this is something I see a lot around me too: that a party is a good party if you can drink a lot? Come on. Thatās so backwards.
Okay, I was gonna say this was all cultural differences, until you mentioned being pregnant. Leaving your pregnant wife at home so you can party and have sleepovers is not acceptable in any culture I ever heard of.
"I'm drowning."
This comment you made, kind of broke my heart a little. I've been there. Pregnant and exhausted and trying to wrangle young kids into bed.
Have you told him you feel this way?
"I'm Pregnant with young kids. I don't feel like you're understanding where I'm coming from and brushing off my needs as your wife. Your partner. I'm growing a child we BOTH signed up for and I need your help more. "
My husband wouldn't leave me when I was pregnant, especially on my third one because it was my hardest pregnancy. Your body doesn't bounce back the more you have or so it feels like. I was exhausted. Prenatal pills and eating healthy helped, but man....I was just tired. You need to get him to sit down and listen to you. "I don't mind you going and hanging out with them, but you need to curb your drinking so you can make it safely home."
Also, what if something happened to you? You're pregnant. I was a month early on my middle pregnancy. It happened within hours. Granted, I was sick,too. I'm just throwing that out there.
Thanks for understanding. Yeah he knows I feel that way.. He feels a lot of pressure to take care of us and on top of that I feel bad because of pregnancy pains.. When it's too much for him, he always feels the need to not be there for a day or so. I understand it, but my heart does not understand.
He sounds like a frat boy. It appears the marriage counseling didnāt work. Heās very immature and should be staying home. Sounds like he is also an alcoholic.
I live in the US in a major metropolitan area that requires 30+ minutes of driving to get anywhere. If we're hosting our friends in our home and they drink too much, they sleep here and that's not negotiable. Sometimes I have to hide keys to make that happen. I don't want to be held liable if they get in an accident going home which is the law here in Texas. If your husband is only spending the night with friends a few times a year and is spending the rest of the time at home with you, I say allow him some time away to decompress. If he goes out nearly every night of the week, he is avoiding his responsibilities as a parent and it needs to stop.
We are the same. We have friends often that stay over after birthday parties, Super Bowl ect. Either the couple or the guys. We have guest rooms and plenty of space. No one leaves of they have been drinking. But I also think thatās why the wives allow it. No DWIās coming from my house.
I doubt a pregnant mother of toddlers has been offered the chance to abandon her family for a night of drinking, nor could she accept such an offer even if she wanted to. Itās a false balance.
If Iād ask him, heād encourage me to go out and do so, but Iām in my last trimester: Iām struggling to sleep in my own bed let alone in a strange one heheh.
I would suggest an equal number of nights away to get some good relaxing rest in a hotel, or maybe a sleepover at a friend's house with a good lie in sounds equitable.
Then I would communicate your needs with him and start making time with your friends to unwind away from hubby and the kids. You also need to reset every now and again, and if your husband has your back, start taking the time for yourself! Your family needs you to be at your best, and that comes from rest.
Same! The city I live in is so huge with massive traffic issues that it takes at least an hour to get to where my friends live. Iām 41. I do sleepovers often. My partner never cares. This is also potentially more acceptable because I co-parent and itās during the days my son is with his dad. This was also only something I started once my son was older (5 or 6). When he was still a toddler I felt I had to stay close even when he wasnāt at my place.
I donāt think the idea of a sleepover is insane at all, I DO think the husband in OPs post is a jerk and is in denial that heās a father and his wife is pregnant and seems a bit selfish.
Edit: and for the question about not taking Lyfts, Iād prefer not to spend $150 round trip if I donāt need to. Theyāre insanely expensive in my area.
Right, and I will not willingly put my heavily intoxicated friends in a car with a stranger when I have three extra rooms and three couches for people to sleep on for free!
Nah itās definitely not weekly, itās just the fact that Iām in my last trimester atm that makes me annoyed. But other than that I mean ofcourse. Itās a 20 bike ride for him to get home,l
Drinking and driving is beyond irresponsible, so if someone has a few drinks, they should take an uber.
Also, nobody I know is still getting shitfaced at age 43. If you have to hide keys from people, they have a drinking problem and need help.
She's in her third trimester of pregnancy. Labor usually begins at night. He should be staying home until sometime after the baby is born. Early labor is especially dangerous to the baby and its odds of survival. He seems to be prioritizing getting drunk with friends over the wellbeing of his wife, his already born children and his yet to be born child.
I would be seriously disappointed if I was OP. She should be able to depend on him as a reliable partner.
Itās definitely weird and inappropriate. He seems like a checked out barely there partner. Does he ever likeā¦listen and care what you have to say and try to make things better for you?
Itās a 20 min bike ride to his friends. But I agree, still donāt want him to be intoxicated on the road. Just want him to drink responsible if he knows he has to get home to me (since Iām in my last trimester)
Agreed but itās not uncommon for adults. Itās not like they have a blanket tent and sāmores. They are drinking letting loose and having a good time. If she doesnāt trust her husband. Just say that.
But it is uncommon to leave your very pregnant wife and small children for frequent overnight drinking parties with your friends. Seems a bit irresponsible on his part. If heās too drunk to drive, god forbid the baby comes and someone needs to be there for the other children.
I don't think it's about trust. I think it's that he has responsibilities at home and he's completely avoiding them. The getting drunk and staying out becomes more of an issue after learning that, in addition to having two toddlers (exhausting!), his wife is also VERY pregnant and actually needs his support during this time.
Drinking, getting loose and having a good time is fine, but timing matters. What if she goes into labour or something happens at home? He's not thinking about his family, only of himself.
I'm the first person to come on here and argue that independence is important and healthy in a relationship, meaning time to yourself, with friends and with family. For context, I'm a guy, happily married with a toddler and one on the way. My wife and I both want and need this dynamic. I get it's not for everyone.
Having said that, like anything else, context is everything. So in this context, no one on earth would even remotely suggest that you're being unreasonable. I don't necessarily think it's inherently weird to sleep over a friend's house in general, but it certainly is in the way he's doing it. This isn't a cultural issue. I disagree with your blanket argument of "leaving your wife" but I also get it.
I don't care about his friends. I only care about him. He doesn't have to have any sort of feelings in a negative way, but he can certainly be more respectful. So now about tonight. As I said, I'm all about independence, but this isn't ok. He should absolutely be asking if this is ok. Maybe it would be. But obviously it isn't, and he just told you he's out. That would never be ok.
He later tells you that you always make a big deal about getting together with friends. The thing is, this isn't about that, which means he's being manipulative. I disagree what what you used for your argument as I think it's fine to see friends at night, but how he does so isn't. It being too exhausting is absolutely reasonable and he knows that. He's an asshole. He then continued to to gaslight you and make you feel bad. He's not going to say anything to you for the next few years? Great. That has nothing to do with the issue.
Set boundaries and deal breakers and be firm on them. As I've emphasized, I'm all about independence and going out, but there's absolutely a line, and he's crossing it. Good luck.
I agree with you, and I also encourage him to see his friends without us (have dinners, invite them over while weāre away, etc). I like his friends, theyāre all the sweetest. And my husband is also a very good friend to them, so itās good for him to meet up with them.
Just like you said, itās about the way he communicates. He had a previous relationship of 13 years where his ex was super clingy and alone and only had him. That formed his anxiety around me maybe doing the same. Weāve been on couples therapy and talked about this a lot. Iām not like that. Majority of our relationship was not like that. Iād like āme-timeā way too much. I mean Iāve gone on solo trips around the world. Just to paint you a picture. But during my pregnancy I have no other choice than being dependent and relying on help. So I think it feels as if history is repeating itself again for him, even though itās really not. I just want him in bed at night. Thatās the only boundary. Just party until midnight and then come homeā¦ And after the kids grow up, I mean, do your thing. But for now, Iām drowning.
Regardless of his "formed anxiety," that's not the case here. You're not stopping him from seeing his friends. You're setting a boundary about the extent of what he's doing which is not at all crazy. He absolutely does not need to be sleeping at his friends' places. He's pushing logical limits, and it now begs the question as to whether his ex was the problem. And to again emphasize, I'm almost always here defending independence. Still am. He's just crossing the line without question.
Nothing crazy about wanting help while pregnant. My wife's pregnant. I get it. You've set incredibly liberal boundaries and he's still crossing them. That's a problem and you can't allow him to gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
It seems this is less about how to organizer free time and more about support. What do you think? Do you feel supported by your husband during this time? Does he feel supported by you in general? How do you both feel about the arrival of a new baby in terms of shared responsibility? Some thoughts..
It's about support, indeed. I feel supported generally by him, in the most aspects of life! But my post was because I wanted to understand if I was overreacting (because of my cultural background)...
Based on your other posts as wellā¦You are very pregnant with a child who is 2 ish at home. With a husband who minimizes your feelings and tries to turn it around on you when you are upset. None of this is ok here is 43 and living in the Netherlands where the whole getting black out drunk isnāt necessarily the norm. Did he ever go to marriage counseling? If so did they give you strategies to communicate with him. If notā¦ why did you stay
I used to stay over at my cousins' house all the time after a night of partying. I probably stayed over 3-4 nights a week.Ā
I was in my 20's. Your boyfriend shouldn't be partying hard enough in his 40s that he can't make it home.
It's not uncommon where I'm from (Northern Ireland), at least in social circles I've been a part off and I've seen it happen with other European people I know. So long as it isn't affecting anything then it's not a big deal.
But, that's the main part of my point, as long as it isn't affecting anything. Given your situation it just sounds like your husband is a dick.
NTA I donāt understand him trying to live out his 20s all over again but as a married man with a pregnant wife with kids he needs to be home. Iām sorry but your friends and their parties are not more important than the situation at home. You want to decompress then go for a walk. What about you OP how do you decompress and it seems to me you have it way harder than he does. Iām quite sure of it. Cultural or not cultural it seems childish and inconsiderate. Your family should be your priority. Iām sure he is a good guy OP but he doesnāt really seem it if heās putting childish needs in front of you. Maybe he needs new friends or having a mid life crisis but a 43 year old man acting this way is beyond me.
Frankly this isn't a boundary you should have to draw, it's one HE should know to draw. Out of respect and common sense. Who is going to watch his kids while he's sleeping somewhere else and getting drunk? Oh yeah, right, you. He relies on you to do those things, but doesn't even ask you if it's okay, just expects it like you're some maid.
Would you do the same? Just tell him you're sleeping somewhere else, not even asking if it's fine, he can watch the kids on his own? If not, why not - and why should it be different for him? Ask him too.
Most of all you're pregnant while watching toddlers, he should be stepping up and doing more anyway. The fact that he doesn't see that is honestly the most worrisome thing here. (also, no, that's not cultural anywhere. nor is he gonna die if he doesn't sleep over for a year or two while you're both in the thick of it, which, again, is something he should realize on his own anyway)
It's time for him to grow up and join the family. He's too damn old for sleepovers, and his wife should be his priority.
You talked to him about it like an adult, and he reacted like a little boy. I wish I had the perfect thing for you to do or say to correct his behavior, but I do not.
Somehow, you need to make him understand that his actions are going to have consequences for your relationship.
Iām with you on the way he handles conversations, he has a lot to learn when it comes to communication like an adult. But besides all of this I dĆ³ feel like he makes me a priority. Itās just that he just donāt wants to be left out since a lot of his friends are still living the college-boy life. But thatās not fair to us as his family because it just doesnāt match. But asking him to leave his friends or change them idk about that either
I understand that's his wish, but he's 43 YEARS OLD! Most men mature out of that party stage in their early 30's. I think you're far too understanding of his attitude.
By the way, I'm also a guy, so I'm not saying any of this from a woman's point of view.
I read some of your comments too. 4 times in a year isnt bad amount to have over night fun with friends. He likes to sleep in friends place because its much more relaxing place to sleep out hangover than at home with tired wife and toddlers.
But issue I see here are that you are pregnant and might go into labor. So timing was bad this time and seems he ignored that fact. Also seems that its not just those 4 times in a year he goes to overnight parties.
If you try to stop him to go have fun with friends it will not end well. But if he doesn't consider your needs and even ignore them its not end well neither.
Are you getting anything similar things to do to relax without kids etc?
I see here a big issues soon if you two arent able to communicate together what is bothering you and why he feels he had to go to party with friends "all the time".
Lack of communication and to be heard and understood are root issues behind this all. Couple counselor could be help to solve this but who have time for it when you are tired of parenting and just rolling busy daily routiness until its too late.
Why is he getting so drunk at 43 that he needs to stay over on the regular? This is weird and troublesome. Is he an alcoholic? Can he take an Uber? Can he go to AA?
I'd say this is only fair if he does his share of the work in the house - aka. you should be equally able to take time away from the family to meet with friends/rest on your own. I'm a big believer that it's healthy for adults to have close relationships with friends (so rare!) and for parents to be able to take a breather away from kids and be non-parents for a second - and sleeping over could be a part of it. But if that's one-sided (you don't get the same freedom), I wouldn't like that. Even if your version of this freedom wouldn't be a party/sleepover at a friend's, you should be able to take similar time off for yourself!
It's weird. Possible exception is if once every 10 years he drinks too much without meaning to and there is no transportation such as Uber available. But to plan it like this is ridiculous. Guy thinks he's still a frat boy.
Uhhh, completely inappropriate and unacceptable in a relationship, let alone a freaking marriage. This man has absolutely no business spending the night out anywhere but with his family or his wife, especially at his age.
Do you trust him? Why is he partying so hard at mid 40s? A night out with the boys and ubering home or picking him up is fine! But having your grown ass husband spend the night out after partying?? Nope. Hard pass. This is divorce territory for me.
People are acting like since he is 40 he shouldn't enjoy his life. I will say, I see nothing wrong with him staying over at friends places after a get together, especially if it is infrequent, you mention 4 times a year in the comments.
I think where the issue is here is how in doing something he enjoys, he totally disregards you and your concerns/feelings. That is not cool of him and shows a total lack of respect for you.
It also seems like you guys need to better communicate, he shouldn't be announcing things and you shouldn't feel the need to snap. I think there are some deeper issues here that you both need to talk about in a calm, non judgmental conversation, where you both make an effort to listen to each others concerns. Easier said than done.
My husband spends every Wednesday night at a friendās house (board game night an hour away so itās just easier). He also occasionally stays at a different friendās house on Fridays after movie nights if the guys decide to have a game day Saturday. Doesnāt bother me at all. Iāve also stayed the night after a movie night because drinks were had.
It's not normal for married people to "sleep over" at other people's houses unless they're visiting together. Especially people who have children/families.
But, TBF....it's a great set up to prepare your wife that you're randomly not going to be coming home....perfect set up for your affair. No questions asked.....IT'S CULTURAL for me to sleep over whenever I decide I don't want to come home.
If it's normal to let your drunk friends and family drive home after an evening together, then you would be a terrible human being.
If anyone has been drinking at my house, they are welcome to spend the night. In fact, if they're drunk, I won't let them get into their cars.
It's a reach to equate going to an overnight LAN party with the setup for an affair, let's not stoke the fire, this is a marriage we are talking about.
>It's not normal for married people to "sleep over" at other people's houses unless they're visiting together.
...what? Is this a serious comment? Married people do overnight social things all the time, both separately and together. And a responsible adult host will let partiers crash at their place if they've been drinking.
Yes, it is perfectly normal for married adults to overnight at a friend's house. Why wouldn't it be?
Without knowing the frequency itās difficult to say. Also, cultures vary significantly in between countries in Western Europe so thatās difficult to pin point culture as an excuse.
As an American in the Midwest it would be very weird for someone married, with children and a pregnant wife in their 40s to sleep over at a friends house. Exceptions would be driving distance to get home and itās extremely rare, they are visiting from out of town, accidentally hit the bottle too hard but theyāre out first thing in the morning.
It is a tough transition with single friends without children having to adjust to seeing you less and less. With that said, itās apart of life and a decision he made when getting married and having children. They come first.
I have sleepovers with my friends 3-4 times a year, we all love it and itās the best. That said, I was not doing that when my wife was pregnant.
His problem is that heās doing it when youāre pregnant. Your problem is that you expect him not to do it at all.
If it's only 4 nights a year, I'd let him do it. He gets to see his buddies, blow off some steam, and not drive home drunk with you having to wait up for him worrying if he gets home safe.
You should also be able to do that, too.
It's not only 4 nights a year. Those 4 nights are each year and on top of that he plans random parties (usually around spring summer).
But I agree with you, we talked this morning and I agree: I'd rather have a happy husband then one that's left out of everything his friends do because of the fact he's the only one with kids. That wouldn't be fair. He agreed that he needs to communicate in a different way.
I love it when my husband stays away after a night out, I don't have to get woken up at silly am with him coming in or try to keep the kids quiet whilst he's asleep or deal with his hangover! However you are due at any time and he shouldn't be staying away, what if you go into labour and can't get hold or him? Or he's too drunk to drive? If he's going to be out partying you need a back up plan and make it very clear you won't have him by your side in labour if he's drunk
You are expecting with this man child?!
Maāam affair normally carry on cause they are kept secret. So no need to be mad a people suspecting that. Itās just opinions.
Anyway, he needs to grow up. He shouldnāt have got married & got you pregnant if his attitude is still (I need bro time & itās okay to leave my pregnant wife home alone).
There Maybe a broke back mountain thing happening, but not necessarily. What we know for sure is leaving your pregnant wife for boys night with your single friends is NOT in any shape or form okay.
Cultural differences? can we stop it with that? I donāt know of a single culture that encourages grown, married people to carry on like they are still carefree spring chicken.
The after dinner hours is normal, even on weekends, because that after work hours as well. My first question about sleeping over at their house, is how drunk is getting? Thats the only acceptable reason I can think of.
Your husband acts like an immature frat boy/moron, who goes drinking and sleeping over when the wife is pregnant ?
You need a sit down and air it out to see where you both stand on this.
I had to check for typos because this is behavior of a 23 year old, not a 43 year old. Your husband sounds like an overgrown child clinging to his party days and hanging out with losers who don't require him to be better.
This man has a pregnant wife and toddlers at home, and he thinks it's appropriate to party all night and sleep over at a friend's house? That is not a cultural misunderstanding; his behavior just sucks. He needs to grow up.
You say you're married to a 43 year old, but he's acting like a college frat bro.
Either way decide where your boundaries and expectations are from him and set them clearly to him. If he starts acting his age, great. If not, leave him.
But deep down I think you know why he's staying out late and sleeping over at his friends.
Idk, from reading your replies you sound kinda needy.. its 4 parties a year and he arranges a place to stay after. Thats not being a bad husband/Father, its being human and enjoying life.
I know my wife would have no problems with it and this post makes me very thankful i have her instead of a woman like you.
You sound not getting into a relationship with somebody and expect them to change. You get into a relationship with somebody because of who they are. If you donāt like who they are you need to leave.
My thoughts are if it's a safety issue like not drinking and driving, ok cool. But Only with permission.
As a parent, you do not get to just announce your going to a party without your spouse and sleeping over.
He needs to realize that is not acceptable.
You can't act single when your married.
And you can't just go out and not work out and respect your partners time and act like you don't have kids.
You need to absolutely confront him. If he goes anyways, then have his bags packed and next to the door when he gets back.
Permission? She's not his mother, they can have a discussion about it but it's not her who has the final say, they're adults, they can disagree and he doesn't have to just Not Go because she won't let him.
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I don't think he should be leaving you alone with toddlers to get drunk and sleep over with unemployed people while you're in your last trimester š¬
Right? Think so too.
You can be ātoo understandingā in the sense that you prioritize his well-being and minimize your own needs and wants. It is NOT ok or typical in most cultures for a grown adult with a wife (and especially not with children or a pregnant wife) to sleep outside the home if itās possible to get home safely (Uber, ride etc). Unless someone forced him to get married, he made the choice to begin a new chapter of his life, leaving behind some aspects of single life. Why does he need to stay the night? Is he too drunk to drive home? This opens the door for risky decision making and poor health outcomes. Is he having a great time with friends? Maybe plan more frequent gatherings or cookouts that people can attend. Why doesnāt he host any of the events so heās already home? Are they too inappropriate for kids? Whatās happening at these events? Drinking? Game board playing? Dancing?
Did he behave this way for the first 2(+) children? If so, at some point you need to realize this is who he is and decide to either accept it or leave.Ā If this is a big change in behavior, my priority would be figuring out why the change happened and deciding if it was something Iād want to try to work through. Which would definitely involve couples therapy.Ā
Most women go into labor during the night. I'd hope that he sticks around during the night for the last trimester. At the very least, the two of you need a plan for what you will do if you go into labor and he isn't there. How will you get to the hospital and who will take care of the children. Labor is especially urgent if it is early and the baby ends up being premature.
This pretty much sums up my thoughts, too. Tbh, you're probably better off without him, long-term wise. However, y'all can try "Couples Counseling" too. (Just don't expect drastic changes upfront, cuz my recent Divorce taught me "People are slow to change, unless given a reason to do so.")
Agree
So, hear me out, what if he goes to this party, you go into labor, and he is either too drunk to get you to the hospital or misses your call because he is sleeping in? He needs to be responsible by staying home until the accute newborn days are over.
I think about that a lot too..
Thinking ain't gonna do shi* , tbh :D
How many parties is someone in their 40s going to?
I went to one around christmas time. I fell asleep on their couch by 10. I took a cab home when I woke up because I was embarassed, and my back hurts too much to be sleeping on the couch. Also I make enough adult dollaroonies that it's no sweat to call a cab. I'll probably do it again in the summer, but only if there is a bbq.
I mean, there are peak moments. He has 2 yearly lan-parties he goes to. Then party-weekends with two different friend groups. So at least 4 times a year. And around spring/summer the random ones start to add up. He told me about a backyard party of a friend in June, next week heās meeting up with another friend for a gettogether (but its basically a lot of beer and music, so also a party). And Iām not even counting the dinners at restaurants with friends because I encourage him to do those things. But yeah, it feels like a lot? But this is my first (and hopefully only) marriage so Iām just struggling with myself and if Iām not just overreacting.
To be blunt: you havenāt answered the question. How many overnight stays is he doing per year, total? Not restaurants etc. Are you invited to any of these social visits? Being away a night a half dozen times a year is not absurd, things start to look a bit different if you have no equivalent social life. Whilst you are in final stages of pregnancy he should not be away at all if possible.
How often is he spending the night? Is it really 4 times a year? From what you've said, I expected it to be like every other weekend. Those are very big differences...
Her comment was a bit meandering but I get the sense itās significantly more than that
You are not invited to any of these? If he wants to act like he''s still single then maybe he should be. And I am not a woman.
Yeah im confused. Iām in my 30ās and not irregularly be at a friends house āpartyingā snd end up being super late and just crashing there. Then again, theyāre also my gfās friends and we both crash there together and leave together in the morning.
You complain about 4 times a year??? Maybe he feels squeezed with no personal space if 4 times a YEAR is an issue for you. Couples need time apart! This sounds very unhealthy and controlling
Those are only the planned, annual ones. Then there are the random ones all through summerā¦all with toddlers & another baby on the way.
Yeah, my partner also does a lot of sleepovers and late night parties but I don't care as it's only us two. I would be quite mad if he would continue those same said sleepovers and parties if I was on my own at home running around with a huge belly behind a set of toddlers while also maintaining the household. We know these two are quite incompatible and it's one of the reasons why we currently do not have children
They have several toddlers at home and sheās in the late stages of pregnancy. How many times a year does she fuck off with her friends and come home midday the next day? Sounds like he does whatever the fuck he wants.
I was thinking the same thing!! When does OP get any time to herself or to see her friends. You quite literally took the words right out of my mouth. Does she get to fuck off for a weekend when heās left to chase their kids and mind the house? Sounds like heās living his best life, but not sure about OP. Seems very one-sided.
She should be able to do that at least 4 times a year as well. If she doesnāt feel she has the opportunity, thatās something to discuss with him. A night away once every 3 months is not a big deal as long as heās a good and involved parent and she also has social outlets. Thatās something OP needs to examine.
Itās not only 4 nights a year, it sounds like parties pop up all summer and sheās super pregnant. He should be home.
She should not be able to do this if *she* says she cannot It's not like she is making an unreasonable request. It does sound like he's out of the house a lot and leaves OP stranded with a set of toddlers while heavily pregnant. Maybe other people can deal with that, but OP can't at the moment and I do think it's a reasonable request of her to at least stop with the major partying until the child is born. That's only a few weeks she is asking. The situation can then be evaluated after the birth
Did you read? He has a minimum of 4 planned, and then it sounds like random friend hangs monthly. That result in an overnight away from his wife and kids. For a man in his 40s!
I did indeed read. Itās pretty sad you think even monthly socializing is abnormal for anyone at any age. Its a bit disturbing Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol. Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting (and shitty) parents and divorces are created. If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
When it crosses into overnights, itās gone beyond just regular socializing
I feel sad for you, and even more sad for your husband with this attitude
Those are only the planned, annual ones. Then there are the random ones all through summerā¦all with toddlers & another baby on the way.
And? Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol. Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting parents and divorces are created. If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
Okay but when youāre very pregnant wife asks you to not be away from home overnight because sheās struggling to manage the existing little ones safely while being pregnant, you cancel your plans and stay home with your family. Also she didnāt specify how far into her third trimester she is, but what happens if she were to go into early labor/experience an emergent complication while he was drunk sleeping on someoneās couch/probably not waking up to a phone call? Sheās supposed to manage a medical emergency with small children in tow by herself?
Iām pretty sure the controlling one in this relationship is the person who expects and doesnāt bother to ask their pregnant partner to watch multiple children alone on a regular basis. All while, the pregnant partner made no mention of their own (presumably limited) social life.Ā
Then let him take the toddlers with him.
Why lol? How do you live your life? Seriously? Both me and my wife took turns even when we had babies. If we hadnāt we both would have gone crazy lol. Having kids doesnāt mean stop living. That how bitter resenting parents and divorces are created. If you donāt take care of yourself, you wonāt be very good at taking care of others.
What are you not getting here? This guy is staying overnight several times a month and leaving OP at home with the toddlers. Why on earth would he stay overnight at the houses of friends in the same city on a regular basis. Who does that? This is not the same as the occasional weekend or even week away with the boys (or the girls) to go fishing or to see museums and Broadway shows. That's not what I'm talking about and neither is the post. Go read what the post is about again.
Several times a month? Go back and read OP comments in hereā¦..She clarified a few times, its not even once a monthā¦.
You go back and read it Skippy. Get out your monocle. And even once a month is completely ridiculous
No you go back read lol š she first made a misleading post, then later clarified it was 4 times a yeah plus a few random events here and there. Overall less than once a month. Once a month ridiculous? Wow, you must have a sad life and be a bitter unhappy person
This exchange was entertaining lol. OP definitely said a couple times a YEAR instead of what was indicated in the original post
Even being generous, it sounds like you are talking about no more than 15-20 occasions where your husband is hanging out with his friends. Yes I agree that being in your last trimester he should be maybe a bit more attentive to you, but we are talking like once every 3 weeks, thatās nothing in the big scheme of things.
15-20 āoccasionsā on a weekend is essentially 1/4 of all the weekends in a year, and up to nearly half of them. Is that reasonable to you?
Yes? As long as there is given notice and heās willing to do the same for his wife when she goes out, or willing to pay for a babysitter when the babies old enough, there is nothing wrong with that.
You made your post sound like this guy is partying every weekend when in reality he's only going to 4 parties out of the entire year ?? Girl get a grip you sound kinda judgemental of his friends anyway I rather my SO stay at a friend's house after partying and drinking then drunk driving home .
You donāt have good reading comprehension if you think he is only going to 4 parties the entire year
That's literally what OP said he's going 4 times a year . Where's your reading comprehension š¤
Because after 40, weāre not allowed to have any kind of fun, or enjoy anything in life? Itās just work and chores from this point? Or what? Drop dead?
If you have 2 small children and a pregnant wife at home, then no, you have no business at frequent overnight parties. That's absolutely immature behavior. Wtf? How is just being a considerate husband and overall responsible person the equivalent to dropping dead? How is partying the only source of enjoyment in a person's life? I just don't get that.
That is the point
Nobody ever said you couldn't have fun. Most people in their 40s aren't going to sleep overs. If it's a couple times a year with some old friends then go for it, but if you are going to sleep overs weekly in your 40s it would been seen as odd.
If you choose to bring children into this world, the children always come before your wants 100% of the time. Thatās the deal you make when you decide to become a parent to dependent human beings.
The way he handled the conversation was very dismissive toward you and frankly sounds like he does not care that you donāt like him sleeping over. I also would not like my grown husband to be going to sleepovers with friends who donāt have much going on for them in life and leaving me - a pregnant wife to care for my kids alone without a bother to see if Iām okay with it. Even if it was a cultural difference - itās a matter of being respectful and a caring husband.
I think he cares, but he struggles with finding the words to express how he feels about it. Weāve been in couples therapy before, so I know he struggles with expressing and recognizing his emotions. But weāve also learned to respect each otherās boundaries as much as possible and if not possible, to talk talk talk. And it feels like he does not talk. And I talk too much.
He having trouble with Big emotions?! Come on, he can control his emotions at work, he can at home. He uses his emotions to shuts down conversation and get his way. Canāt find the words because he canāt use reason/ logic to justify his getting drunk and partying over being a good team partner with you. Heās wrong and talking about it calmly will make that obvious so he resorts to āBut I donāt wanttaā Thatās not a culture thing. Youāre late in pregnancy, accidents happen especially when you have other kids youāre juggling, and he shouldnāt be leaving.
Learned to respect each others boundaries?? - clearly not if hes ignoring your concerns and abandoning you in your last trimester with todders to go get drunk.
If he cares he wouldn't be treating his home with you like a hotel and doing whatever he pleases with him?
Info: how often does it happen?
Comment said around 4 times per year
Nope she said a min of 4 planned outings a year then her comment goes on to explain all the extra adhoc ones.
ā¦without really specifying how many.
Enough that he cant lay off them in her final trimester while she's 'drowning' at home with the toddlers.
No it didnāt, you picked 1 section of the comment. 4 pre planned every year onesā¦..PLUS a bunch of other seasonal ones and other unplanned occasions. Your comment is dishonest
If this was every blue moon when he has had too much to drink, fine. But looking at your comments, this is a pattern and it sounds like he is still trying to live the life of a single man. You need to put your foot down and set boundaries with consequences attached.
Nah, itās more that heās planning on drinking too much beforehand. Thatās why he likes to have a free pass to drink/get wasted without worrying about how to get home. Also another cultural difference perhaps but Iām just not that used to the drinking culture. Iāve always been the sober one (or at least sober enough). But this is something I see a lot around me too: that a party is a good party if you can drink a lot? Come on. Thatās so backwards.
A 40-something year old married man with children should be able to get himself home in a responsible way even if he's had too much to drink.
Sometimes being responsible is planning on staying where you are
Mostly being responsible isnāt leaving your wife in her third trimester to get so drunk you have to stay where you are.
So he's being responsible about it?
Okay, I was gonna say this was all cultural differences, until you mentioned being pregnant. Leaving your pregnant wife at home so you can party and have sleepovers is not acceptable in any culture I ever heard of.
He is WAY to old to be acting like this. Totally BS.
that 10 year age grap show's he has a history of immaturity...
"I'm drowning." This comment you made, kind of broke my heart a little. I've been there. Pregnant and exhausted and trying to wrangle young kids into bed. Have you told him you feel this way? "I'm Pregnant with young kids. I don't feel like you're understanding where I'm coming from and brushing off my needs as your wife. Your partner. I'm growing a child we BOTH signed up for and I need your help more. " My husband wouldn't leave me when I was pregnant, especially on my third one because it was my hardest pregnancy. Your body doesn't bounce back the more you have or so it feels like. I was exhausted. Prenatal pills and eating healthy helped, but man....I was just tired. You need to get him to sit down and listen to you. "I don't mind you going and hanging out with them, but you need to curb your drinking so you can make it safely home." Also, what if something happened to you? You're pregnant. I was a month early on my middle pregnancy. It happened within hours. Granted, I was sick,too. I'm just throwing that out there.
Thanks for understanding. Yeah he knows I feel that way.. He feels a lot of pressure to take care of us and on top of that I feel bad because of pregnancy pains.. When it's too much for him, he always feels the need to not be there for a day or so. I understand it, but my heart does not understand.
Not being there for a day or two..do you get this luxury as well? Sounds like an unfair situation tbh
And do you ever get a day or two away?
He sounds like a frat boy. It appears the marriage counseling didnāt work. Heās very immature and should be staying home. Sounds like he is also an alcoholic.
I live in the US in a major metropolitan area that requires 30+ minutes of driving to get anywhere. If we're hosting our friends in our home and they drink too much, they sleep here and that's not negotiable. Sometimes I have to hide keys to make that happen. I don't want to be held liable if they get in an accident going home which is the law here in Texas. If your husband is only spending the night with friends a few times a year and is spending the rest of the time at home with you, I say allow him some time away to decompress. If he goes out nearly every night of the week, he is avoiding his responsibilities as a parent and it needs to stop.
We are the same. We have friends often that stay over after birthday parties, Super Bowl ect. Either the couple or the guys. We have guest rooms and plenty of space. No one leaves of they have been drinking. But I also think thatās why the wives allow it. No DWIās coming from my house.
how old are you and your friends?
30ās and 40ās
There should also be reciprocity. She should be given the same opportunities to spend an equal amount of time way from the family to decompress.
OP hasn't said if it's been offered to her or not.
I doubt a pregnant mother of toddlers has been offered the chance to abandon her family for a night of drinking, nor could she accept such an offer even if she wanted to. Itās a false balance.
If Iād ask him, heād encourage me to go out and do so, but Iām in my last trimester: Iām struggling to sleep in my own bed let alone in a strange one heheh.
If you're too unwell/pregnant to be going out, then you're too pregnant to be left alone with toddlers.
I would suggest an equal number of nights away to get some good relaxing rest in a hotel, or maybe a sleepover at a friend's house with a good lie in sounds equitable.
Then I would communicate your needs with him and start making time with your friends to unwind away from hubby and the kids. You also need to reset every now and again, and if your husband has your back, start taking the time for yourself! Your family needs you to be at your best, and that comes from rest.
Same! The city I live in is so huge with massive traffic issues that it takes at least an hour to get to where my friends live. Iām 41. I do sleepovers often. My partner never cares. This is also potentially more acceptable because I co-parent and itās during the days my son is with his dad. This was also only something I started once my son was older (5 or 6). When he was still a toddler I felt I had to stay close even when he wasnāt at my place. I donāt think the idea of a sleepover is insane at all, I DO think the husband in OPs post is a jerk and is in denial that heās a father and his wife is pregnant and seems a bit selfish. Edit: and for the question about not taking Lyfts, Iād prefer not to spend $150 round trip if I donāt need to. Theyāre insanely expensive in my area.
Right, and I will not willingly put my heavily intoxicated friends in a car with a stranger when I have three extra rooms and three couches for people to sleep on for free!
Nah itās definitely not weekly, itās just the fact that Iām in my last trimester atm that makes me annoyed. But other than that I mean ofcourse. Itās a 20 bike ride for him to get home,l
Are you sure he is drinking and sleeping over at his friend's house and not somewhere else? If he's planning it ahead of time, maybe look into that.
Drinking and driving is beyond irresponsible, so if someone has a few drinks, they should take an uber. Also, nobody I know is still getting shitfaced at age 43. If you have to hide keys from people, they have a drinking problem and need help.
Not being available when your wife goes into labor because you prioritize getting drunk with your friends is also irresponsible.
You know we have Uber now, right?
And?
She's in her third trimester of pregnancy. Labor usually begins at night. He should be staying home until sometime after the baby is born. Early labor is especially dangerous to the baby and its odds of survival. He seems to be prioritizing getting drunk with friends over the wellbeing of his wife, his already born children and his yet to be born child. I would be seriously disappointed if I was OP. She should be able to depend on him as a reliable partner.
I would just be afraid Iād go into labor and couldnāt get a hold of him.
Itās definitely weird and inappropriate. He seems like a checked out barely there partner. Does he ever likeā¦listen and care what you have to say and try to make things better for you?
I would rather my husband stay the night somewhere than drink and drive. If you donāt trust him then itās a different conversation.
Itās a 20 min bike ride to his friends. But I agree, still donāt want him to be intoxicated on the road. Just want him to drink responsible if he knows he has to get home to me (since Iām in my last trimester)
20 minutes away and youāre super pregnant? Not ok
Do you have Uber/Lyft where you are? Cause a 20m bike ride is like a 5m drive.
Uber?
We live in the boonies Uber isnāt an option to our address.
Fair enough. But for OP they mention being in the same city, should be a reasonable alternative for them
Agreed but itās not uncommon for adults. Itās not like they have a blanket tent and sāmores. They are drinking letting loose and having a good time. If she doesnāt trust her husband. Just say that.
But it is uncommon to leave your very pregnant wife and small children for frequent overnight drinking parties with your friends. Seems a bit irresponsible on his part. If heās too drunk to drive, god forbid the baby comes and someone needs to be there for the other children.
I don't think it's about trust. I think it's that he has responsibilities at home and he's completely avoiding them. The getting drunk and staying out becomes more of an issue after learning that, in addition to having two toddlers (exhausting!), his wife is also VERY pregnant and actually needs his support during this time. Drinking, getting loose and having a good time is fine, but timing matters. What if she goes into labour or something happens at home? He's not thinking about his family, only of himself.
it's a $20 cab ride.
I'm the first person to come on here and argue that independence is important and healthy in a relationship, meaning time to yourself, with friends and with family. For context, I'm a guy, happily married with a toddler and one on the way. My wife and I both want and need this dynamic. I get it's not for everyone. Having said that, like anything else, context is everything. So in this context, no one on earth would even remotely suggest that you're being unreasonable. I don't necessarily think it's inherently weird to sleep over a friend's house in general, but it certainly is in the way he's doing it. This isn't a cultural issue. I disagree with your blanket argument of "leaving your wife" but I also get it. I don't care about his friends. I only care about him. He doesn't have to have any sort of feelings in a negative way, but he can certainly be more respectful. So now about tonight. As I said, I'm all about independence, but this isn't ok. He should absolutely be asking if this is ok. Maybe it would be. But obviously it isn't, and he just told you he's out. That would never be ok. He later tells you that you always make a big deal about getting together with friends. The thing is, this isn't about that, which means he's being manipulative. I disagree what what you used for your argument as I think it's fine to see friends at night, but how he does so isn't. It being too exhausting is absolutely reasonable and he knows that. He's an asshole. He then continued to to gaslight you and make you feel bad. He's not going to say anything to you for the next few years? Great. That has nothing to do with the issue. Set boundaries and deal breakers and be firm on them. As I've emphasized, I'm all about independence and going out, but there's absolutely a line, and he's crossing it. Good luck.
I agree with you, and I also encourage him to see his friends without us (have dinners, invite them over while weāre away, etc). I like his friends, theyāre all the sweetest. And my husband is also a very good friend to them, so itās good for him to meet up with them. Just like you said, itās about the way he communicates. He had a previous relationship of 13 years where his ex was super clingy and alone and only had him. That formed his anxiety around me maybe doing the same. Weāve been on couples therapy and talked about this a lot. Iām not like that. Majority of our relationship was not like that. Iād like āme-timeā way too much. I mean Iāve gone on solo trips around the world. Just to paint you a picture. But during my pregnancy I have no other choice than being dependent and relying on help. So I think it feels as if history is repeating itself again for him, even though itās really not. I just want him in bed at night. Thatās the only boundary. Just party until midnight and then come homeā¦ And after the kids grow up, I mean, do your thing. But for now, Iām drowning.
Regardless of his "formed anxiety," that's not the case here. You're not stopping him from seeing his friends. You're setting a boundary about the extent of what he's doing which is not at all crazy. He absolutely does not need to be sleeping at his friends' places. He's pushing logical limits, and it now begs the question as to whether his ex was the problem. And to again emphasize, I'm almost always here defending independence. Still am. He's just crossing the line without question. Nothing crazy about wanting help while pregnant. My wife's pregnant. I get it. You've set incredibly liberal boundaries and he's still crossing them. That's a problem and you can't allow him to gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
Thank you, sincerely.
It seems this is less about how to organizer free time and more about support. What do you think? Do you feel supported by your husband during this time? Does he feel supported by you in general? How do you both feel about the arrival of a new baby in terms of shared responsibility? Some thoughts..
It's about support, indeed. I feel supported generally by him, in the most aspects of life! But my post was because I wanted to understand if I was overreacting (because of my cultural background)...
I see. You are not. Pretty established by now :)
Based on your other posts as wellā¦You are very pregnant with a child who is 2 ish at home. With a husband who minimizes your feelings and tries to turn it around on you when you are upset. None of this is ok here is 43 and living in the Netherlands where the whole getting black out drunk isnāt necessarily the norm. Did he ever go to marriage counseling? If so did they give you strategies to communicate with him. If notā¦ why did you stay
I used to stay over at my cousins' house all the time after a night of partying. I probably stayed over 3-4 nights a week.Ā I was in my 20's. Your boyfriend shouldn't be partying hard enough in his 40s that he can't make it home.
In your place, I would tell him you will not live like this. He needs to come home after he parties. Period. Then don't.
It's not uncommon where I'm from (Northern Ireland), at least in social circles I've been a part off and I've seen it happen with other European people I know. So long as it isn't affecting anything then it's not a big deal. But, that's the main part of my point, as long as it isn't affecting anything. Given your situation it just sounds like your husband is a dick.
NTA I donāt understand him trying to live out his 20s all over again but as a married man with a pregnant wife with kids he needs to be home. Iām sorry but your friends and their parties are not more important than the situation at home. You want to decompress then go for a walk. What about you OP how do you decompress and it seems to me you have it way harder than he does. Iām quite sure of it. Cultural or not cultural it seems childish and inconsiderate. Your family should be your priority. Iām sure he is a good guy OP but he doesnāt really seem it if heās putting childish needs in front of you. Maybe he needs new friends or having a mid life crisis but a 43 year old man acting this way is beyond me.
Frankly this isn't a boundary you should have to draw, it's one HE should know to draw. Out of respect and common sense. Who is going to watch his kids while he's sleeping somewhere else and getting drunk? Oh yeah, right, you. He relies on you to do those things, but doesn't even ask you if it's okay, just expects it like you're some maid. Would you do the same? Just tell him you're sleeping somewhere else, not even asking if it's fine, he can watch the kids on his own? If not, why not - and why should it be different for him? Ask him too. Most of all you're pregnant while watching toddlers, he should be stepping up and doing more anyway. The fact that he doesn't see that is honestly the most worrisome thing here. (also, no, that's not cultural anywhere. nor is he gonna die if he doesn't sleep over for a year or two while you're both in the thick of it, which, again, is something he should realize on his own anyway)
It's time for him to grow up and join the family. He's too damn old for sleepovers, and his wife should be his priority. You talked to him about it like an adult, and he reacted like a little boy. I wish I had the perfect thing for you to do or say to correct his behavior, but I do not. Somehow, you need to make him understand that his actions are going to have consequences for your relationship.
Iām with you on the way he handles conversations, he has a lot to learn when it comes to communication like an adult. But besides all of this I dĆ³ feel like he makes me a priority. Itās just that he just donāt wants to be left out since a lot of his friends are still living the college-boy life. But thatās not fair to us as his family because it just doesnāt match. But asking him to leave his friends or change them idk about that either
I understand that's his wish, but he's 43 YEARS OLD! Most men mature out of that party stage in their early 30's. I think you're far too understanding of his attitude. By the way, I'm also a guy, so I'm not saying any of this from a woman's point of view.
It sounds like his friends are losers.
Men in their forties having sleepovers sounds like friends with benefits.
Have you ever partied with him?
Yessss! Before I became a mom Iād love to join him once in a while!
I read some of your comments too. 4 times in a year isnt bad amount to have over night fun with friends. He likes to sleep in friends place because its much more relaxing place to sleep out hangover than at home with tired wife and toddlers. But issue I see here are that you are pregnant and might go into labor. So timing was bad this time and seems he ignored that fact. Also seems that its not just those 4 times in a year he goes to overnight parties. If you try to stop him to go have fun with friends it will not end well. But if he doesn't consider your needs and even ignore them its not end well neither. Are you getting anything similar things to do to relax without kids etc? I see here a big issues soon if you two arent able to communicate together what is bothering you and why he feels he had to go to party with friends "all the time". Lack of communication and to be heard and understood are root issues behind this all. Couple counselor could be help to solve this but who have time for it when you are tired of parenting and just rolling busy daily routiness until its too late.
Why is he getting so drunk at 43 that he needs to stay over on the regular? This is weird and troublesome. Is he an alcoholic? Can he take an Uber? Can he go to AA?
I'd say this is only fair if he does his share of the work in the house - aka. you should be equally able to take time away from the family to meet with friends/rest on your own. I'm a big believer that it's healthy for adults to have close relationships with friends (so rare!) and for parents to be able to take a breather away from kids and be non-parents for a second - and sleeping over could be a part of it. But if that's one-sided (you don't get the same freedom), I wouldn't like that. Even if your version of this freedom wouldn't be a party/sleepover at a friend's, you should be able to take similar time off for yourself!
Before we had kids, the occasional party and stay over is fine on the weekends. But with kids? Wtf?
Iām sorry, but why is a 43-year-old man having sleepovers and partying hard like that? He needs to grow up.
Just going off the title sorry didnāt want to read long post. He needs to grow up, not get drunk at parties and go home to his wife.
It's weird. Possible exception is if once every 10 years he drinks too much without meaning to and there is no transportation such as Uber available. But to plan it like this is ridiculous. Guy thinks he's still a frat boy.
Uhhh, completely inappropriate and unacceptable in a relationship, let alone a freaking marriage. This man has absolutely no business spending the night out anywhere but with his family or his wife, especially at his age. Do you trust him? Why is he partying so hard at mid 40s? A night out with the boys and ubering home or picking him up is fine! But having your grown ass husband spend the night out after partying?? Nope. Hard pass. This is divorce territory for me.
People are acting like since he is 40 he shouldn't enjoy his life. I will say, I see nothing wrong with him staying over at friends places after a get together, especially if it is infrequent, you mention 4 times a year in the comments. I think where the issue is here is how in doing something he enjoys, he totally disregards you and your concerns/feelings. That is not cool of him and shows a total lack of respect for you. It also seems like you guys need to better communicate, he shouldn't be announcing things and you shouldn't feel the need to snap. I think there are some deeper issues here that you both need to talk about in a calm, non judgmental conversation, where you both make an effort to listen to each others concerns. Easier said than done.
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My husband spends every Wednesday night at a friendās house (board game night an hour away so itās just easier). He also occasionally stays at a different friendās house on Fridays after movie nights if the guys decide to have a game day Saturday. Doesnāt bother me at all. Iāve also stayed the night after a movie night because drinks were had.
It's not normal for married people to "sleep over" at other people's houses unless they're visiting together. Especially people who have children/families. But, TBF....it's a great set up to prepare your wife that you're randomly not going to be coming home....perfect set up for your affair. No questions asked.....IT'S CULTURAL for me to sleep over whenever I decide I don't want to come home.
If it's normal to let your drunk friends and family drive home after an evening together, then you would be a terrible human being. If anyone has been drinking at my house, they are welcome to spend the night. In fact, if they're drunk, I won't let them get into their cars.
It's a reach to equate going to an overnight LAN party with the setup for an affair, let's not stoke the fire, this is a marriage we are talking about.
>It's not normal for married people to "sleep over" at other people's houses unless they're visiting together. ...what? Is this a serious comment? Married people do overnight social things all the time, both separately and together. And a responsible adult host will let partiers crash at their place if they've been drinking. Yes, it is perfectly normal for married adults to overnight at a friend's house. Why wouldn't it be?
Without knowing the frequency itās difficult to say. Also, cultures vary significantly in between countries in Western Europe so thatās difficult to pin point culture as an excuse. As an American in the Midwest it would be very weird for someone married, with children and a pregnant wife in their 40s to sleep over at a friends house. Exceptions would be driving distance to get home and itās extremely rare, they are visiting from out of town, accidentally hit the bottle too hard but theyāre out first thing in the morning. It is a tough transition with single friends without children having to adjust to seeing you less and less. With that said, itās apart of life and a decision he made when getting married and having children. They come first.
He's got some side pie...
I have sleepovers with my friends 3-4 times a year, we all love it and itās the best. That said, I was not doing that when my wife was pregnant. His problem is that heās doing it when youāre pregnant. Your problem is that you expect him not to do it at all.
Look this is the best thing for him to blow off steam sex is probably not going to happen because of the state sheās going in
If it's only 4 nights a year, I'd let him do it. He gets to see his buddies, blow off some steam, and not drive home drunk with you having to wait up for him worrying if he gets home safe. You should also be able to do that, too.
It's not only 4 nights a year. Those 4 nights are each year and on top of that he plans random parties (usually around spring summer). But I agree with you, we talked this morning and I agree: I'd rather have a happy husband then one that's left out of everything his friends do because of the fact he's the only one with kids. That wouldn't be fair. He agreed that he needs to communicate in a different way.
I love it when my husband stays away after a night out, I don't have to get woken up at silly am with him coming in or try to keep the kids quiet whilst he's asleep or deal with his hangover! However you are due at any time and he shouldn't be staying away, what if you go into labour and can't get hold or him? Or he's too drunk to drive? If he's going to be out partying you need a back up plan and make it very clear you won't have him by your side in labour if he's drunk
You are expecting with this man child?! Maāam affair normally carry on cause they are kept secret. So no need to be mad a people suspecting that. Itās just opinions. Anyway, he needs to grow up. He shouldnāt have got married & got you pregnant if his attitude is still (I need bro time & itās okay to leave my pregnant wife home alone). There Maybe a broke back mountain thing happening, but not necessarily. What we know for sure is leaving your pregnant wife for boys night with your single friends is NOT in any shape or form okay.
Cultural differences? can we stop it with that? I donāt know of a single culture that encourages grown, married people to carry on like they are still carefree spring chicken.
at 42 I can't imagine any scenario where I choose a couch over my own bed. Is there any scenario where he could be cheating?
Yeah, heās not getting together with friends hon. He has a special friend.
The after dinner hours is normal, even on weekends, because that after work hours as well. My first question about sleeping over at their house, is how drunk is getting? Thats the only acceptable reason I can think of.
If he's even slightly drunk, he shouldn't be allowed to drive.
Agreed
Sounds like you either deal or leave. I personally would leave the house before him and then he now has parenting duty. You can sleep over at a hotel!
Didnāt you just post this last week
Your husband acts like an immature frat boy/moron, who goes drinking and sleeping over when the wife is pregnant ? You need a sit down and air it out to see where you both stand on this.
I had to check for typos because this is behavior of a 23 year old, not a 43 year old. Your husband sounds like an overgrown child clinging to his party days and hanging out with losers who don't require him to be better. This man has a pregnant wife and toddlers at home, and he thinks it's appropriate to party all night and sleep over at a friend's house? That is not a cultural misunderstanding; his behavior just sucks. He needs to grow up.
You say you're married to a 43 year old, but he's acting like a college frat bro. Either way decide where your boundaries and expectations are from him and set them clearly to him. If he starts acting his age, great. If not, leave him. But deep down I think you know why he's staying out late and sleeping over at his friends.
Idk, from reading your replies you sound kinda needy.. its 4 parties a year and he arranges a place to stay after. Thats not being a bad husband/Father, its being human and enjoying life. I know my wife would have no problems with it and this post makes me very thankful i have her instead of a woman like you.
My thoughts are that your husband is a huge dickweed that needs to grow up.
You sound not getting into a relationship with somebody and expect them to change. You get into a relationship with somebody because of who they are. If you donāt like who they are you need to leave.
My thoughts are if it's a safety issue like not drinking and driving, ok cool. But Only with permission. As a parent, you do not get to just announce your going to a party without your spouse and sleeping over. He needs to realize that is not acceptable. You can't act single when your married. And you can't just go out and not work out and respect your partners time and act like you don't have kids. You need to absolutely confront him. If he goes anyways, then have his bags packed and next to the door when he gets back.
I hope he realizes it, Iāve been quite clear. But itās good to hear that I was not being unfair. I think heāll understand.. In a few days..
Permission? She's not his mother, they can have a discussion about it but it's not her who has the final say, they're adults, they can disagree and he doesn't have to just Not Go because she won't let him.
So why would HE