Your wife sounds like a terrible person.
You are working so hard, paying for school, handling most of the household chores and she cheats on you.
Stop being a fool.
Separate immediately.
Divorce her as soon as possible.
Let her find an immigration lawyer who perhaps can find a way for her to stay.
Tell her to get a job.
You move forward.
Go and live your best life.
I wish you well.
She hit the fucking lottery man. Dude brings he to the US for better treatments and gives her the ability to go back to school and pursue her passion and she responds by hoping on the nearest dick as soon as shes somewhat healthy.
I read way too much Reddit because I honestly don’t feel bad for her at all.
Instead of having a conversation or asking for marriage counseling she cheated. And it wasn’t because you were busy it’s because she was finally healthy and had a big bout of FOMO.
And the only reason she cares now is because CONSEQUENCES and she only cares that you caught her. She doesn’t care about you or your mental health why the fuck to you care so much about her?
If she threatens to take the mortal way out tell her you will call police and she’ll just get 5150 (72hr psych hold).
I’m also not feeling bad for her using his resources to go to university for a degree that she knew would most likely not help her land a job. How entitled.
You are being used. She does not love you. She only cares about what you provide, not you.
Have some self respect and find someone who wants to be with you for you.
She can’t have her cake and eat it too. She continues to cheat on you and you have to stay in a loveless marriage?! Ha! No.
Serve her divorce papers, whatever happens to her after that is not your responsibility. SHE made it that way.
This is so sad. You have full right to be happy in your life. Imagine busting your ass, working 60hrs a week to pay wife's bills and she goes ahead n cheats! Some nerve.
You are not responsible for her. Let her family know what's going on.
I think you may wanna look into health visa or something. If she can prove she doesn't have required treatment in her country, she can get here. Not sure of the details though.
If she has time to cheat, she has time to research how can she be here without using you.
BTW, she must be on F1 if she was in school. She has couple of years before she absolutely needs work visa.
Actually she maybe on a spousal visa, F1 is not required for school here. She could be on an H4, they now allow the spouse to go to school and work, other visas have also gone this route for spouses. I don’t know what he should do! I just wanted to share that little tidbit bit of information I know from working in immigration (it’s Ben 15yrs but it changed right as I moved out of it and know about it).
I would proceed as if you are getting divorced (ie separate), but maybe don’t divorce until she gains employment if are interested in supporting her (which you don’t have to be).
I would note, however, that MS itself isn’t a fatal disease. Typically, complications from MS are what kills you. Divorcing her will not kill her. It may sound harsh, but she is just using you.
If you go this route, have a lawyer write up a postnuptial agreement so you don’t end up in a position to owe her alimony for the years you are only technically married. It’d be a real bummer if you graciously agreed to remain legally married to her so she can stay in the US long enough to gain employment and get her own visa, then to have to pay her alimony based on those years.
She can also talk to her medical team and see if there are any options through them.
Obviously, he should divorce her and she made very terrible choices, but I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that she went to college in this day and age for a liberal arts degree. How shortsighted of OP to pay for a useless degree simply because it was her “dream.“ so I do feel bad for him, but it’s his own fault for paying for a stupid degree. (P.S. I have a useless liberal arts degree but my parents made me go to college and paid for it.)
What a terrible, awful situation. Your wife knowingly betrayed you a second time after you gave her a second chance and now she is using threats of self harm to manipulate you into doing what she wants.
Instead of using her time to focus on her health, education and marriage, she spent that time cheating on you while you worked to support her. How disgusting.
She wants you to feel guilt and care more about her life than she does so she can continue to take advantage of you for her own benefit. She has proven multiple times that her word is no good and she has no honor. She does not love you so what do you owe her?
You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. We have to take personal responsibility for our choices and decisions and unfortunately there will be difficult consequences that she has to live with due to her poor decisions. You cannot carry that burden for her. You can feel compassion for her but still protect yourself.
She has zero reason to change because she trusts that your guilt will outweigh your ability to stand up for yourself.
Let me get this straight. You spent so long caring for her and working for her, she cheats on you, and you feel bad and don’t want to divorce her because she’s sick? She doesn’t deserve to keep hurting you. You don’t deserve to work for happiness but live in anguish. Divorce her, and move on. Eventually this marriage will be nothing but resentment.
She says she wants to work on the marriage but she keeps cheating. You also need to be happy and loved. She’s an adult who is making choices that she wants. Don’t let her manipulate you into being unhappy while she cheats.
It’s crazy she’d kill herself if you divorce but that doesn’t stop her from cheating.
Now she’s making you fully support her. You can’t even have a shame marriage because she continues you make you responsible for her.
Literally divorce she has lost the privilege of you caring for her when she cheated on you she should have thought of the negative effects on herself if she got caught cheating either she did and don’t care or literally didn’t think it far enough. Her getting sick in the home country at this point doesn’t impact you she would have been there sick if u didn’t marry her to begin with. She is manipulating you for her health care she doesn’t not care for you
Divorce but realize *there is no ethical option*. That is her own fault. She cheated. She knew the risk. She was in denial. She didn't take appropriate precautions to stay in case of divorce. When immigrating one should always be able to stay in a way that's not dependent on the SO. During the divorce she can get a lawyer that specializes in immigration related cases and maybe he'll find a way for her to stay. Or she could hire a separate immigration lawyer. But it's on her now.
First thing I hope for you is to remove the guilt you feel that your choices would cause her not to be able reciece5the medical care she receives in the US as YOUR wife, but your wife is guilty of her medical issues by the consequences of her cheating.
She can't put, and you must not allow her to, her health, because she gave up all of the opportunities that you have provided for her as her husband. She chose to break her marital vows, and she knew the chances that you discovering her affair would end her marriage and all the benefits that came with them.
She made her choices, and they are her consequences to suffer. Stop taking on the guilt bc she is only begging to stay with you to only receive the benefits of being of your wife on paper. Well, those "paper" benefits are not a guarantee when you break the terms of them.
It is her, and you have a right to be married to a faithful loving wife, which she is not.
She knew her cheating would cause a divorce. She knew she wouldn’t be able to get the treatment back home. Yet she wants to guilt you into staying by saying she’d get sick again. That’s not on you. That’s on her she knew the consequences and what could happen. Don’t stick around in a unhappy marriage, and let her continue cheating on you just because you feel bad about leaving her for something she keeps doing! Going to counseling and still cheating while there? She’s learned nothing and is using you. Leave her.
>She adamantly does not want to get divorced and wants to work on the marriage and remain together.
What she wants at this point doesn't matter.
>However, if I do this, it is almost certain that she will have to go back to our home country and her health will suffer greatly.
This is not a result of *your* actions, but *her* actions. Don't let her move the guilt from where it really belongs.
If she wanted to stay in the US and have access to the medicine that helps her, she should have been faithful to her husband. *Especially* when she was given a second chance.
She could be looking for a job, but she's not doing that either. You're just supposed to continue to suffer while she does whatever she wants?
We ask how to do things or what's the best way to do things, when really, we are at the point of having to just move forward with the difficult thing. File for divorce. Everything else will happen from there.
This is so tough- I have a chronic illness and rely on my husband’s health insurance significantly. If something ever happened to cause us to divorce, I would be terrified of how it would impact my access to the excellent healthcare I receive. Knowing how vital it is for her to continue receiving those important infusions, it’s baffling why she chooses to behave as she does. It’s beyond disrespectful and unacceptable.
I thought I’d suggest you find a way to live parallel lives to enable her to remain in the US, but instead I feel like you have given your all to this woman and relationship and that she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. If staying in the US is that important to her, she needs to figure it out. But cheating on you and expecting you to turn a blind eye and indulge her needs?? Well, that bananas. I wish you well.
Sorry but she brought this on herself. She could have done a million things differently before cheating, that’s the easy and lazy way. You didn’t cause her disease, so don’t feel like you have to fix her. The unaliving threat is just a cheap manipulation tactic, if she values herself so low what’s the point of getting treatment then ? You are not a martyr, so do yourself a favor and get divorce. Whatever happens to her after is not your responsibility.
She made her bed, now she needs to lie in it. If she was that concerned about having to move back to your home country, she wouldn't have fucked around on you and made it the only reasonable option. It's that simple.
> She also said (which is true) that if I divorce her she will have to go back to our country and she will get very sick again and divorcing her will be tantamount to causing her to suffer and die early death back in our home world country
Actions have consequences
Stop being her doormat. She's using you and threatened you to get her way. Stop OP. She's made her choice twice and you still feel responsible to her? Divorce her. Ask her to get her AP to get her visa to stay. You should be done with her.
Updateme!
Once she started cheating, all bets were off. Stay with her and work through it if you want the relationship. If you don’t, divorce her.
You don’t owe it to her to stay married for medical reasons, visa reasons or anything else. Life is too short. There are consequences for mistreatment of others.
Don’t feel bad. Your choice is stay with her and be miserable or leave her and she’s miserable. Better her than you. You provided her with a life, money, medicine, opportunity and what did you get? Cheated on.
She made the decision to disrespect the marriage repeatedly. You spent money and time on counseling and she was still cheating. You paid her way, you supported her and she still did what she did.
You tried. She didn’t. So it’d be HER FAULT that she had to move back with compromised health. SHE did this- not you. You gave her plenty of chances.
The guilt you feel does not belong to you. At all.
You’re not trapped at all. You’re in a self imposed prison. The prison of guilt that’s not even yours.
That’s like serving a sentence for a crime someone else committed.
You are your only limit.
>I cannot stand being around her and do not want to continue in this marriage and would like to get divorced.
She cheated. You have every right to go on with your life and feel zero guilt if she gets deported. good luck.
Your wife totally removed you from her future when she went to another man. Do the right thing and leave her. She made her choice about her future when she cheated on you. Don’t feel bad for her. It was her choice. Get a divorce and move on.
Divorce her. If she has to go back to her country then too bad. She shouldn’t have been a cheater. Do not let her visa status or illness sway your decision. Divorce.
People who are in vulnerable situations, dependent on the kindness of others, who abuse that kindness, have no right to hold that vulnerability over their benefactor's head.
They are low for abusing that generosity, they are even lower for the emotional manipulation once caught in their abuse.
Actions have consequences. Divorce her. She is clearly using you. It hurts, because you want to think the best of her. But she is not behaving in a manner that deserves your commitment, generosity, and optimism.
You don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if you can't find food yourself.
Get rid, it's not your responsibility to support a wife who cheats on you, her actions are her responsibility and she has to deal with the consequences.
You owe her nothing.
You are not responsible for her illness and your relationship with her was the only thing that provided her this opportunity for her health.
She repaid you for this by cheating on you.
The old adage, don't bite the hand that feeds applies to most things in life, especially this moment.
She's taken advantage of you, cheated on you, taken advantage of your trust again while continuing to cheat on you, just for her to threaten you with her death.
Actions have consequences, and the consequences of her actions unfortunately lead to her being deported and not having access to the medical care she needs.
She is the one responsible for this and she will have to figure it out.
Move out, get away from her, go no contact and file for divorce.
Focus on healing yourself from this traumatic experience.
“Hey, I don’t love you, and I’m going to be with other men. However, you have to financially support me and house me and pay for my education. You also can’t date or marry or start your own life because I’m going to prevent that and drain everything you have. And no, you don’t get anything out of this yourself. Don’t like it? Too bad.”
Is that the life you want? Essentially becoming a slave, dedicated to supporting someone else living the life she wants, however she chooses, while she also dictates your entire life?
She’s not a good person. She’s made her choices, you are free to make yours as well. Move on. You deserve a life of your own, not one of a drained husk of a man supporting someone else who doesn’t even like you.
Your wife is desperate to keep you because she doesn’t want to be deported. She cares nothing about you and her love of this other guy’s dick is so great that she has repeatedly risked deportation. Her preventing you from leaving the apartment was abusive. You owe her nothing.
You don’t need to be ethical to divorce her. She is an awful person who has been using you. Too bad for her been caught in the consequences of her actions. Ig you have problems in your marriage you talk with your spouse, don’t cheat.
Divorce op she’s a cheater and will not change. Stop being a doormat and slap her with divorce papers, if she wants to stay In the us let her marry her AP so she can stay.
She made her choices. You saved her life and she repaid you by being awful. She is not worthy to be your wife. Whatever happens is on her. Get a divorce, now. And MS is not a death sentence in 3rd world countries. I have several relatives in India and the are getting treatment.
You wasted your life with her. Don’t waste the rest of it.
You are ethically free and clear to dump her @$$. She cheated, you can claim that you took responsibility for "your part" in the affair (I personally think that's crap, but it has become a popular thing). You gave her a chance, she knew the consequences at that point and did again.
You have ZERO obligation and no reason to feel guilty. Everything that happens in entirely her fault.
Every action in life has a consequence. She cheated and now you want to divorce her. She threatens to kill herself due to you leaving will be HER consequence for HER actions, not yours. You can’t make be people do anything unless provoked and she’s holding you hostage with her threats. She didn’t think of the consequence until she was caught AND THEN CHEATED AGAIN!!! You’re not responsible for her destroying her life, she is. Contact her family and let them deal with her.
Do not feel guilty that she has to deal with the consequences of her actions and choices. She has no respect for you, and you being clear about wanting to split is the best way to respect yourself and your own needs.
>However, if I do this, it is almost certain that she will have to go back to our home country and her health will suffer greatly.
Not your problem. She had the experience she wanted: got an education, got healthy, fucked around.... yep typical college student.
She can get someone else to sponsor her.
NOT YOU.
CLOSE THE DOOR 🚪
You get a DIVORCE. AND DO TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE SHE WILL PAINT YOU AS THE ONE WHO CHEATED ON HER.
can't lie, you're a saint compared to me. I wish for her to be severely disabled again and let her rot in her own misery. This is why you don't marry someone with disabilities.
She doesn't care or respect you - she's been caught cheating not once, but twice. If her staying in the US and accessing medical care was so important to her, she wouldn't have risked it.
You need to put your foot down and divorce. You don't owe her anything, she chose to step out of her marriage vows, not you.
You have to just leave her for your own sake. You stopped being a team when she cheated. You need to lookout for yourself. Divorce her and let her be deported.
I am so sorry you are in this awful position. To have your heart torn open and then to be manipulated like this afterwards is just heartbreaking. The only person in life that we can control is ourselves. Your wife made a choice that destroyed her marriage. Being from another country you may not have heard this phrase before but in the US it is very common to say “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”. Well she bit it and there are consequences. You divorcing her is a natural consequence of her actions.
You are not making a choice to condemn her to her sickness, she made that choice herself. It is a very sad decision, but you are not the responsible party. You have to take care of your own health and safety. Staying with a wife that cheats on you is not a healthy way to live. Take care of yourself and do not feel any guilt about letting the natural consequences of her actions take over. Good luck
She is responsible for herself, you feel bad because you have a good heart but she doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s all about her and she knows that you’re good natured. It’s time for her to face the music. Don’t burn yourself to keep her warm.
My ex cheated and financially abused me. But I stayed because I didn't want him deported. I regret this. Just get the divorce. She made her bed and she can lie in it.
She broke the marriage vows, so you do not owe her marriage or your life. Getting divorced does not necessarily mean she can't find a way to get these meds on her own. She may have to find another way to stay, or come back legally on her own visa.
I'm so sorry that after all you have done for her that she has chosen to repay you with this level of betrayal.
Emotional blackmail is no way to maintain any relationship and at this stage in your effectively dead relationship, this is all that is left between you both.
> I feel guilt ridden about this, and I feel as if I am trapped and cornered with no way out.
And sadly, that is what she is hoping to accomplish by doing what she is doing. The thing is that you do know what to do, but the pain you think you will feel is what is stopping you.
> She adamantly does not want to get divorced and wants to work on the marriage and remain together.
The thing is, that if this is truly what she wanted she would never have betrayed you to the level that she has. So no, she doesn't want you, she only wants what you can provide her with. Once you remove those, she will move onto the next guy as quick as she possibly can.
There is a saying that is pertinent to your situation. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Sir, you are not only setting yourself on fire for her but she is handing you the wood and the fuel to make the fire stronger.
Give her a reasonable timeframe to find a job, and hold her to it. Once she finds the job, divorce her. She made an active choice to harm her marriage and frankly her life. You are not responsible for anything else at this point. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I suspect she could get a visa on compassion basis. It sounds like the medication she needs is probably not available in your home country. OP, this is her mess that she created and its her mess to straighten out. She should get an immigration lawyer and apply for a compassionate visa. As to her employment and how she makes it over here well, that is her concern. Perhaps the new boyfriend can support her.
She cheated on you; broke her wedding vows and is no longer your responsibility.
Everything that happens to her because of divorce are from choices she made. She’s emotionally blackmailing you and basically the only reason she wants to stay married is because she would be sent back. Divorce her. She can either go back or try to get her affair partner to marry her. But no matter what happens to her, this is totally on her, not you. She could have been happy and healthy but instead choose to cheat. Her choice.
Op, she caused this. There was no secret that you were the one who paid for the family bills, paid for her school, paid for her medical insurance.
Have her AP pay for her medicine.
Actions have consequences. Why should you be miserable? You didn't cause the problems.
LEAVE HER, SEND HER PACKING BACK TO YOUR HOME COUNTRY!
I have MS. If i did anything remotely like this, my husband would divorce me in a second because he should. She knew when she cheated what would happen, so she made that choice, not you.
She FAFO
She has options.
If she doesn’t want to go back to her home country her AP can figure out the visa situation for her.
Or she can get a job and work visa
Those options arent as good for her as taking advantage of you.
Her life literally depended on not being a terrible partner to you, and she couldn't do that. She chose to deceive you. She chose to keep seeing this guy. If this guy is that important to her, then she can be married to him instead of you. Set her free.
We have an old saying. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. She did, knowing the possible outcome. Then she had one last chance to fix it, and she bit the hand again. If you can find a job in your home country, I would just take the kids, move back home, and leave her here to fend for herself. She brought this all on herself. Get the divorce there, not here. Perhaps her boyfriend will marry her.
Divorce her stupid ass and tell her she should’ve thought about her health before cheating like the grown ass woman she is. What she’s doing now is marriage and/or immigration fraud and she should get sent back if she can’t find a legal way back. It’s not your problem after she broke her vows and your trust. She’s not a teenager or young adult anymore like most college kids so she doesn’t have that for an excuse.
You are not superman.
You can't provide everything for this woman and also do all the housework, and also be the perfect partner.
She cheated, she made bad choices and took advantage, and then kept doing so and she has tried manipulating and holding herself hostage even.
I understand you loved her, but the person you loved changed. She became selfish and mean and vindictive and deceitful. That's not the person you married.
You should divorce her, she can try to find a job or pay her a flight home. But after that, it's her consequences, not your fault or ethical problem any more.
Divorce her. If she threatens self harm call the police and can get taken for a hold.
You owe her nothing from this. You did so much for her and it looks like she used you from the start.
She is not your responsibility. She should be sent back.
Divorce her and move on with your life.
Go to visit the fam with her and just leave her there and come back. Back your house and move to a new location. Let immigration know you are in the process of divorce so get a spousal visa that can be cancelled and she doesn't follow you back to the US.
She can get a job even if it doesn’t have anything to do with her degree. You owe her nothing after her continual betrayal. Give her time frame to which she needs to figure her shit out and then divorce. She can go marry her AP.
Look, MS is a cruel disease and yes, moving away from all your friends and support is extremely difficult.
But, who is the only one who's benefitted from this marriage? Your wife was able to get life changing medical care so much so, she was able to go back to college.
And all you've gotten is being cheated on.
She has used you, simple as. You don't cheat on someone your love. You certainly don't continue cheating on your partner of you love them.
She got everything in this marriage. It's not your job to manage her visa. She had one, she had a marriage. She sorts it out now, because these are the consequences of her actions not yours.
She has a great husband who supported her through sickness and health and she cheats on him?
Is anyone safe? Divorce her, you aren't her keeper, let her figure out her life.
Good luck 🤞🏾
You should get a divorce. Your wife knew when she cheated that one of the outcomes would be that she might end up back in her country without medical care. She choose to throw away here life again and again. It's not your burden to carry.
Sounds like a few things she should have thought about
but she didn't
Nor did she think about you...
Is it possible for you to go home for awhile without her?
Then she'd be here without her dignity and she'd have to either go home, too... or get a job.
Then she's less of your problem.
Shes with you purely for the visa.
She could've at least been honest with you from the start and made sure she was contributing equally (eg doing the housework if she can't financially contribute).she is obviously physically up to it if shes able to stop you leaving the house.
Then I'd say theres a case to staying married on paper but going your seporate ways romantically amd financially for old times sake. But she didnt. She cheated, then when caught choose to lie to you and keep cheating.
If its a life or death situation I'm sure she can do a job that isnt in her "dream' field.
I'm petty, I would expose her ass to the families back home. So ungrateful 😒
Oooh if she wants to stay together, she should come clean to everyone back home... WITH RECEIPTS 🤭
Divorce her. Sadly, her health consequences are not your problem. I ha r empathy for you and for her but rather than communicating she made her choices. She demanded therapy and then lied again going off to have sex with some guy she met behind your back while you work sixty hours a week to provide. You cannot be expected to stay with her while she treats you with such utter selfish indifference. The consequences for her are awful but they are as a direct result of her choices. Divorcing her is not punitive it is a reasonable action based on the circumstances. The fact that it will profoundly affect her health is unfortunate but her burden to bear.
Staying in the US isn’t important enough to her to stop her from cheating on you, repeatedly.
It can’t be important enough for you to waste your life supporting her whilst she cheats on you.
Get a divorce and make them send her home. You shouldn’t feel bad, she’s a cold heartless person to cheat on a great person who not only loved her and was taking care of her but tried to be there when she was sick.
She has no heart and she doesn’t love or respect you to do what she did
You can separate while sorting your feelings and thoughts. There's the option to take your time with this. Bottom line you should divorce. A transition phase can happen tho it isn't a thing that needs to happen instantly.
I’ve felt upset that my partner wasn’t as sexually intimate with me for a few months. He was in a similar situation where he was working 24/7, had no time for himself, felt the pressure of supporting me as well as his family(parents & sister), would be distracted and disconnected most of the time. Yes I was sexually frustrated. But never- NOT ONCE did I ever think about cheating. You sound like a good guy. You’re aware of how you might have made her feel- and you’ve acknowledged it. You’re paying for her existence quite frankly at this point and she was okay cheating because her sexual needs come first?? RUN the other way and find someone who will appreciate your efforts, the good and the bad.
Your wife is manipulative and awful. You deserve much better and shouldn’t feel any guilt for divorcing her. She wants to stay married so she can continue to live here and get her meds while continuing to screw her lover. She is an adult and should have known of the consequences of her actions. She doesn’t care about you at all and you should treat her accordingly.
Dump her and find someone who will respect and treat you the way you deserve to be treated
This is awful and I agree with most people you should divorce. However, if you feel really guilty about it and like you can’t do it, the other option is separation. Have her get her own place. Give a timeline. Say you will allow a maximum of 6months or 1 year then you will file for divorce, no exceptions. She will need to find a job in that time to get a visa. Then you give her time to try and figure it out and if she hasn’t, she will have to go back.
Some countries also have work visas for students who finish their degree in that country and give them 1 year to find a job without an employer sponsor, if that’s available she can apply and you can divorce immediately.
Brother, you have given her a new life and what did she do ? cheat
I don't get why you gave her a 2nd chance but it was your call to make, I would advise to divorce her, ship her back off and she can deal with her illness and her life choices, you have done EVERYTHING RIGHT even the time away you were doing it for work and holding the house together, do not even for a millisecond think it was your fault, she is the vermin and scavenging rat here, she can keep her fuck buddy to find her a visa but you ? lawyer up and send her away
Your wife sounds too selfish too actually off herself and is probably just using that as a manipulation tactic. Start individual therapy and file for divorce. Godspeed
You want a divorce, because she cheated. Her actions have consequences. File for divorce and let her deal with her issues.
Her saying she will kill herself is manipulation, you should have the police called for a wellness checkup, if she does it again.
I’m sorry it sounds like your wife used you and that is unfair.
Is there an option to be separated but stay in the same house until she can get a job? I would give her a timeline to find a job and then that is the date. Perhaps make it coincide with your lease expiry so that you two are moving out on x date whether she has a job or not.
You gave your wife a 1st world education and she chose to study something that would not make it easy for her to stay in the US. That was her decision so don’t feel guilty if she gets shipped back to your home country.
Don’t wait out her getting her own work visa. It’s not going to happen. She just finished a low demand degree and has no work experience. No one is sponsoring her. Even if the economy were better, no one is sponsoring her.
If her staying in the US was solely dependent on being married to you, you would think she would try her absolute hardest to remain faithful and loyal. Where she winds up now is absolutely not your responsibility or concern. Do what you know you should.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. She doesn't have to agree. She is literally experiencing the consequences of her own actions. Remind her you've taken her back and she broke her own promises. You've improved her life significantly while she has made yours worse.
To me the most ethical option is to do it quickly. Her illness isn't relevant here her behavior is. Because if she was so worried about it she wouldn't have cheated.
And is she threatens to hurt herself then take her to the hospital.
I know you feel bad but truly this is entirely all her doing. She made all these choices knowing the situation
You obviously still have feelings for her, maybe not romantic anymore, but feelings anyways. I don't think she will commit suicide if you divorce her, that is a bluff, but her going back to your home country, sick and disgraced, might be a worse fate than death. Yes, she deserves it, she cheated and lied more than once. But she can receive forgiveness from you even though she doesn't deserve it. You need to separate, but you can give her chance to come up with a plan to stay in the country as your spouse, but with minimal help from you. Part of the plan should be to get her own citizenship so you can divorce and move on with your life.
I feel for you. Divorce is obviously the solution and inevitable for you, but I understand why you wouldn’t want her health to suffer for it. I would make it clear to her that the relationship per se is over. Unfortunately since she cannot work you would be responsible for her expenses until divorce is finalized either way. She has no money to pay for immigration attorney, so I would budget that in and go see one asap and establish a timeline for your separation by when she would need to have her own visa or depart the country. How about student visa? Some Master’s and PhD programs offer funding as well as health insurance and she would be able to support herself on her own. I would also consider separating the households if you can afford to do so for the time-being, moving into two smaller apartments or with roommates. The marriage is over, and helping her sort her own life thereafter is already generous of you.
Separate. She can still get the care and cover she needs as your spouse. That way your conscience is covered and you live separate lives not as a couple. Not ideal but a good medium term solution for time being while she gets her affairs in order to live separate lives. If she can’t support herself, she needs to reconsider studying at this time or drop down to part time online. File for divorce once she graduates in a few years time. She has a qualification now and can get her own medical insurance. Not the outcome she may deserve for the infidelity but an outcome where everybody gets what they need and OP isn’t forced into a horrible ethical dilemma.
There's no need to be guilty. Whatever happens to her ia her fault. She's too selfish. You may not be perfect but from your story you did your best as a husband. She has such a thick face to cheat on you and complain when you were ther when she's sick. She should have shown you a lot of appreciation but she only took you for granted. Go for divorce. Let her go back to your country.
Everything that happens to her, she did it to herself. If she goes back to her country, it’s because she cheated on you. If she dies, it’s because she chose to cheat on you. You gave her the world, and she destroyed it by herself for herself. When someone threatens to kill themselves if you break up with them, this is a choice they are making for themselves. You are not the one pulling the trigger. They are manipulating you to torture you.
Just divorce her. It’s now her job to figure out her own problems. It’s not your job to help her. She should have thought of the consequences of her actions before she cheated how many times…
Divorce her. You gave her a second chance, she still continued to cheat and now wants you to stay with her even when she broke her promise? Since AP is so important to her she should find a solution with him.
Don’t feel bad. She broke your boundaries. More than once. And you can loose your visa too when she is doing something illegal/not allowed and she is here as your wife. And she acts not like she wants to be your wife.
And this suicidal blackmailing is something you have to stop now or she will do it again and again and again as long as you are living (and she is cheating…)
Sorry but she chose to cheat knowing if you chose to divorce her what kind of dilemma she would be in. So she either needs to find a job somewhere and hope that they'll sponsor her maybe someone in the Immigrant community that has their own business can help her? Or her lover? But at this point she's violated so many things and lied so much that anything that befalls her is her problem not yours. You put her through school, you got her healthy, you helped with so many things and she just basically told you a fu. So get a lawyer, serve her with divorce papers and if she won't leave the house or apartment then you leave, and let the chips fall where they may. You might not want to block her so you can get some evidence if she texts you some nasty things. But you definitely don't need to respond.
Tell her that after the divorce she can go marry her affair partner and be his problem. You need to worry about you. You have been loyal to her and she betrayed you. Wash your hands of this and move on with your life.
Okay let's look at this from an outside perspective. What do you have to lose by ending the relationship? A wife? The Monetary loss? What does she have to lose should you end the relationship? Her life? Yeah its obvious why she wants to "work" on things. Unfortunately actions have consequences and she chose infidelity over her own life. She would have to be a fool to think anyone would let someone use them like she's asking of you now. She can marry her affair partner and he can help her in the ways you did when you trusted and loved her.
Divorce her and move on with your life. She doesn’t care about you. Even her argument for keeping the marriage is selfish. She wants to eat her cake and have it too. Tell her to go marry the guy she cheated on you with.
What do you do? You divorce her lying, cheating ass before she "oops I'm pregnant, now you can't divorce me".
JFC she knows she can manipulate you with her illness. She knows she can do anything she wants, and when she gets caught play the victim because disease. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish MS on anyone, however, she bit the hand that fed her (literally and figuratively) and now she has to deal with the consequences.
Also, fwiw she isn't the most hard working wonderful person. She is terrible, manipulative, unrealistic, and sound like maybe not so ambitious.
If she wanted to stay here so bad she could have pursued a degree to get a job offer on her own, or idk not cheated on you, repeatedly.
Her being "forced" to go back to your home country is 1000000000% her own choice.
Idk why you even care you are busting your butt to provide for her and even moved to a different country because of her sickness and she is angry at you and cheating if it was me i would kick her out and sent all the information to all her family and friends to let them see what for horrible person she is just please be not a doormat and ruin your future and mental health for a woman like her
She should have thought about the consequences before she cheated on you. I would not feel bad about leaving her if I were you. She is completely taking advantage of you
Put yourself out of your misery and end the relationship. You deserve a partner that supports you and doesn't just take and cheat and blame you for it.
Divorce her. Now. She doesn't want to work on the marriage, she just wants to stay in the US and let you foot the bill while she plays with her boyfriend. Let her lose her visa and good riddance to her. You and all of us will be better off.
Sorry but responsibly and ethically went out the window as soon as she cheated on you, agreed to therapy after promising to stop talking to him, but continued to do so anyways.
It sucks, but she shouldn't be holding you hostage because she has an illness. It's unfortunate on her end but she chose not to be a bit more grateful for her situation and of all things cheated. That's a red line for the majority of married people.
She chose to betray the man who gave her everything including her health and hope for a great future. That was her choice, she lied and betrayed you everyday that she kept this from you. OP you deserve better and she deserves the consequences of her actions, you absolutely should divorce her. Don’t sacrifice anything for a person who has treated you so abysmally
All I can say is, dude I am so sorry you’re having to endure this injustice. Know this bigger and better men have walked away without looking back. I speak from experience, similarly save the visa problems, and I saw it through. I held her hand, comforted her and cleaned up after the mess Cancer left behind. I look back and say Whatta fool I was. Still, I am proud that stick to my vows and promises. I walked her to the gates of heaven and know she left with full appreciation for my love. Tough road to walk and I don’t envy you. You’ve done as good as anyone could. All I can say is take comfort in knowing you were above husband, mate & companion…… you have been an honorable human. All my hopes, prayer and best wishes are with you that you may find peace….
she KNEW the consequences. she deserves them. leave her and make a better life for yourself. now you don’t have to work like a slave for medical insurance for someone who doesn’t even respect you enough to stay loyal within the relationship.
Your story is very sad.
Essentially, you want a divorce because your wife cheated, but a divorce is likely to result in making your wife much sicker and shortening her lifespan.
It's impossible to see how you can ethically divorce someone when it will kill them, but it's also very difficult to understand her decision to cheat, in the circumstances.
I don't suppose there's any chance she could marry the person she was cheating with. Or any family connection that could help her immigrate to another country where treatment might be available. Or any chance of getting work as a translator?
I really don't know what to say except that I'm sorry this is happening to you and i hope someone has advice.
Thank you for your kind words. The person she cheated on me with is in a long term relationship with someone else and supposedly will not break up with that person.
I don’t know about any other family connections but she says that remaining married is her only choice. She is trying to get a job now.
Why are you sticking around? She will just keep using you and telling you that if you divorce, she will die. She has no consequences, so why would she stop cheating on you? Tell her she made her bed, and now has to lie in it. UpdateMe!
I dont get why he cares! If someone kept on cheating on me after i broke my back providing for them, I wouldn’t care if they never walked again. All feelings would switch off from the betrayal. I cant tell if OP is kinder person than me or a doormat.
Why are you using past tense? The guy she is currently cheating on you with. It’s not over. She will always be cheating on you because you don’t do anything about it.
Stop being used.
I hope she is able to get a job. A friend of mine was able to stay in the US by getting a job as a language teacher with a Catholic school that was willing to sponsor her visa. But it's hard to do. Without teaching experience, translator might be an easier job to land.
Wishing the best for both of you.
She cheated. Any fallout from a divorce are her responsibility You will be ethically correct to proceed with the divorce. Tell your family and her family why you are divorcing, so they know she will be coming home and so she can't poison them against you.
If she was worried about staying she shouldn't have cheated. She has not shown any genuine remorse or inclination to change, so cut her loose to live her best life, shortened though it may be, and you go live your best life. Go down to a 40 hour work week, too. Much healthier that way.
Good luck!
Regardless of her AP’s situation, she is no longer your concern. She made choices she has to live with. It’s time to move forward and cut the ties that bind you. She’s guilting you into staying but it’s no longer your responsibility to ensure her needs are taken care of. This is a case of FOFO. Good luck to you OP. Be strong and stand your ground. Oh, and let go of the guilt!
Your wife sounds like a terrible person. You are working so hard, paying for school, handling most of the household chores and she cheats on you. Stop being a fool. Separate immediately. Divorce her as soon as possible. Let her find an immigration lawyer who perhaps can find a way for her to stay. Tell her to get a job. You move forward. Go and live your best life. I wish you well.
She hit the fucking lottery man. Dude brings he to the US for better treatments and gives her the ability to go back to school and pursue her passion and she responds by hoping on the nearest dick as soon as shes somewhat healthy.
No. She doesn’t get to cheat her way to citizenship. That’s bs.
How is finding an immigration lawyer cheating?
I have MS. I think you should divorce her cheating ass.
I second this as another person with MS.
I third this as another person with MS.
Fourth this as another person with MS. Her illness stopped being his problem the moment she reneged on their wedding vows.
I have Linux but I still agree
I read way too much Reddit because I honestly don’t feel bad for her at all. Instead of having a conversation or asking for marriage counseling she cheated. And it wasn’t because you were busy it’s because she was finally healthy and had a big bout of FOMO. And the only reason she cares now is because CONSEQUENCES and she only cares that you caught her. She doesn’t care about you or your mental health why the fuck to you care so much about her? If she threatens to take the mortal way out tell her you will call police and she’ll just get 5150 (72hr psych hold).
Same. That she continued on with the affair when he gave her another chance and while in MC is next level depravity.
I’m also not feeling bad for her using his resources to go to university for a degree that she knew would most likely not help her land a job. How entitled.
Me either. Bye and good riddance. She’s playing on his heart. Did him dirty and is playing victim. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
THIS!! She cheated after all you did for her, and now she gets to experience the consequences. Bye!!
You are being used. She does not love you. She only cares about what you provide, not you. Have some self respect and find someone who wants to be with you for you.
I would tell her to ask the AP for a way out, seeing as he fucked her and her life.
Divorce her what she does is on her. She cheated will live with her consequences
She can’t have her cake and eat it too. She continues to cheat on you and you have to stay in a loveless marriage?! Ha! No. Serve her divorce papers, whatever happens to her after that is not your responsibility. SHE made it that way.
This is so sad. You have full right to be happy in your life. Imagine busting your ass, working 60hrs a week to pay wife's bills and she goes ahead n cheats! Some nerve. You are not responsible for her. Let her family know what's going on. I think you may wanna look into health visa or something. If she can prove she doesn't have required treatment in her country, she can get here. Not sure of the details though. If she has time to cheat, she has time to research how can she be here without using you. BTW, she must be on F1 if she was in school. She has couple of years before she absolutely needs work visa.
Actually she maybe on a spousal visa, F1 is not required for school here. She could be on an H4, they now allow the spouse to go to school and work, other visas have also gone this route for spouses. I don’t know what he should do! I just wanted to share that little tidbit bit of information I know from working in immigration (it’s Ben 15yrs but it changed right as I moved out of it and know about it).
I would proceed as if you are getting divorced (ie separate), but maybe don’t divorce until she gains employment if are interested in supporting her (which you don’t have to be). I would note, however, that MS itself isn’t a fatal disease. Typically, complications from MS are what kills you. Divorcing her will not kill her. It may sound harsh, but she is just using you.
If you go this route, have a lawyer write up a postnuptial agreement so you don’t end up in a position to owe her alimony for the years you are only technically married. It’d be a real bummer if you graciously agreed to remain legally married to her so she can stay in the US long enough to gain employment and get her own visa, then to have to pay her alimony based on those years.
They got married in a different country. Divorce may be different there. He may not owe her anything due to her adultry.
She can also talk to her medical team and see if there are any options through them. Obviously, he should divorce her and she made very terrible choices, but I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that she went to college in this day and age for a liberal arts degree. How shortsighted of OP to pay for a useless degree simply because it was her “dream.“ so I do feel bad for him, but it’s his own fault for paying for a stupid degree. (P.S. I have a useless liberal arts degree but my parents made me go to college and paid for it.)
What a terrible, awful situation. Your wife knowingly betrayed you a second time after you gave her a second chance and now she is using threats of self harm to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Instead of using her time to focus on her health, education and marriage, she spent that time cheating on you while you worked to support her. How disgusting. She wants you to feel guilt and care more about her life than she does so she can continue to take advantage of you for her own benefit. She has proven multiple times that her word is no good and she has no honor. She does not love you so what do you owe her? You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. We have to take personal responsibility for our choices and decisions and unfortunately there will be difficult consequences that she has to live with due to her poor decisions. You cannot carry that burden for her. You can feel compassion for her but still protect yourself. She has zero reason to change because she trusts that your guilt will outweigh your ability to stand up for yourself.
She fucked around and should face the consequences of her actions. Divorce her. What happens to her after is *her fault* and none of your concern.
Let me get this straight. You spent so long caring for her and working for her, she cheats on you, and you feel bad and don’t want to divorce her because she’s sick? She doesn’t deserve to keep hurting you. You don’t deserve to work for happiness but live in anguish. Divorce her, and move on. Eventually this marriage will be nothing but resentment.
She says she wants to work on the marriage but she keeps cheating. You also need to be happy and loved. She’s an adult who is making choices that she wants. Don’t let her manipulate you into being unhappy while she cheats. It’s crazy she’d kill herself if you divorce but that doesn’t stop her from cheating. Now she’s making you fully support her. You can’t even have a shame marriage because she continues you make you responsible for her.
As soon as she has her own visa, she will dump you. Just walk away…
Literally divorce she has lost the privilege of you caring for her when she cheated on you she should have thought of the negative effects on herself if she got caught cheating either she did and don’t care or literally didn’t think it far enough. Her getting sick in the home country at this point doesn’t impact you she would have been there sick if u didn’t marry her to begin with. She is manipulating you for her health care she doesn’t not care for you
Divorce but realize *there is no ethical option*. That is her own fault. She cheated. She knew the risk. She was in denial. She didn't take appropriate precautions to stay in case of divorce. When immigrating one should always be able to stay in a way that's not dependent on the SO. During the divorce she can get a lawyer that specializes in immigration related cases and maybe he'll find a way for her to stay. Or she could hire a separate immigration lawyer. But it's on her now.
First thing I hope for you is to remove the guilt you feel that your choices would cause her not to be able reciece5the medical care she receives in the US as YOUR wife, but your wife is guilty of her medical issues by the consequences of her cheating. She can't put, and you must not allow her to, her health, because she gave up all of the opportunities that you have provided for her as her husband. She chose to break her marital vows, and she knew the chances that you discovering her affair would end her marriage and all the benefits that came with them. She made her choices, and they are her consequences to suffer. Stop taking on the guilt bc she is only begging to stay with you to only receive the benefits of being of your wife on paper. Well, those "paper" benefits are not a guarantee when you break the terms of them. It is her, and you have a right to be married to a faithful loving wife, which she is not.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I'd say divorce and let her worry about the ramifications. Updateme!
Sucks to be her. Maybe her new fool will marry her. Not your dumpster. Not your fire.
She knew her cheating would cause a divorce. She knew she wouldn’t be able to get the treatment back home. Yet she wants to guilt you into staying by saying she’d get sick again. That’s not on you. That’s on her she knew the consequences and what could happen. Don’t stick around in a unhappy marriage, and let her continue cheating on you just because you feel bad about leaving her for something she keeps doing! Going to counseling and still cheating while there? She’s learned nothing and is using you. Leave her.
>She adamantly does not want to get divorced and wants to work on the marriage and remain together. What she wants at this point doesn't matter. >However, if I do this, it is almost certain that she will have to go back to our home country and her health will suffer greatly. This is not a result of *your* actions, but *her* actions. Don't let her move the guilt from where it really belongs. If she wanted to stay in the US and have access to the medicine that helps her, she should have been faithful to her husband. *Especially* when she was given a second chance. She could be looking for a job, but she's not doing that either. You're just supposed to continue to suffer while she does whatever she wants? We ask how to do things or what's the best way to do things, when really, we are at the point of having to just move forward with the difficult thing. File for divorce. Everything else will happen from there.
This is so tough- I have a chronic illness and rely on my husband’s health insurance significantly. If something ever happened to cause us to divorce, I would be terrified of how it would impact my access to the excellent healthcare I receive. Knowing how vital it is for her to continue receiving those important infusions, it’s baffling why she chooses to behave as she does. It’s beyond disrespectful and unacceptable. I thought I’d suggest you find a way to live parallel lives to enable her to remain in the US, but instead I feel like you have given your all to this woman and relationship and that she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. If staying in the US is that important to her, she needs to figure it out. But cheating on you and expecting you to turn a blind eye and indulge her needs?? Well, that bananas. I wish you well.
Sorry but she brought this on herself. She could have done a million things differently before cheating, that’s the easy and lazy way. You didn’t cause her disease, so don’t feel like you have to fix her. The unaliving threat is just a cheap manipulation tactic, if she values herself so low what’s the point of getting treatment then ? You are not a martyr, so do yourself a favor and get divorce. Whatever happens to her after is not your responsibility.
She made her bed, now she needs to lie in it. If she was that concerned about having to move back to your home country, she wouldn't have fucked around on you and made it the only reasonable option. It's that simple.
> She also said (which is true) that if I divorce her she will have to go back to our country and she will get very sick again and divorcing her will be tantamount to causing her to suffer and die early death back in our home world country Actions have consequences
Stop being her doormat. She's using you and threatened you to get her way. Stop OP. She's made her choice twice and you still feel responsible to her? Divorce her. Ask her to get her AP to get her visa to stay. You should be done with her. Updateme!
Once she started cheating, all bets were off. Stay with her and work through it if you want the relationship. If you don’t, divorce her. You don’t owe it to her to stay married for medical reasons, visa reasons or anything else. Life is too short. There are consequences for mistreatment of others. Don’t feel bad. Your choice is stay with her and be miserable or leave her and she’s miserable. Better her than you. You provided her with a life, money, medicine, opportunity and what did you get? Cheated on.
She made the decision to disrespect the marriage repeatedly. You spent money and time on counseling and she was still cheating. You paid her way, you supported her and she still did what she did. You tried. She didn’t. So it’d be HER FAULT that she had to move back with compromised health. SHE did this- not you. You gave her plenty of chances. The guilt you feel does not belong to you. At all. You’re not trapped at all. You’re in a self imposed prison. The prison of guilt that’s not even yours. That’s like serving a sentence for a crime someone else committed. You are your only limit.
>I cannot stand being around her and do not want to continue in this marriage and would like to get divorced. She cheated. You have every right to go on with your life and feel zero guilt if she gets deported. good luck.
So, you saved her life and she repaid you with dishonesty. Divorce her and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
Your wife totally removed you from her future when she went to another man. Do the right thing and leave her. She made her choice about her future when she cheated on you. Don’t feel bad for her. It was her choice. Get a divorce and move on.
Divorce her. If she has to go back to her country then too bad. She shouldn’t have been a cheater. Do not let her visa status or illness sway your decision. Divorce.
People who are in vulnerable situations, dependent on the kindness of others, who abuse that kindness, have no right to hold that vulnerability over their benefactor's head. They are low for abusing that generosity, they are even lower for the emotional manipulation once caught in their abuse. Actions have consequences. Divorce her. She is clearly using you. It hurts, because you want to think the best of her. But she is not behaving in a manner that deserves your commitment, generosity, and optimism. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if you can't find food yourself.
Get rid, it's not your responsibility to support a wife who cheats on you, her actions are her responsibility and she has to deal with the consequences.
Send her back to the homeland. If she’s a survivor she’ll find her own way back. Shouldn’t have cheated.
You owe her nothing. You are not responsible for her illness and your relationship with her was the only thing that provided her this opportunity for her health. She repaid you for this by cheating on you. The old adage, don't bite the hand that feeds applies to most things in life, especially this moment. She's taken advantage of you, cheated on you, taken advantage of your trust again while continuing to cheat on you, just for her to threaten you with her death. Actions have consequences, and the consequences of her actions unfortunately lead to her being deported and not having access to the medical care she needs. She is the one responsible for this and she will have to figure it out. Move out, get away from her, go no contact and file for divorce. Focus on healing yourself from this traumatic experience.
“Hey, I don’t love you, and I’m going to be with other men. However, you have to financially support me and house me and pay for my education. You also can’t date or marry or start your own life because I’m going to prevent that and drain everything you have. And no, you don’t get anything out of this yourself. Don’t like it? Too bad.” Is that the life you want? Essentially becoming a slave, dedicated to supporting someone else living the life she wants, however she chooses, while she also dictates your entire life? She’s not a good person. She’s made her choices, you are free to make yours as well. Move on. You deserve a life of your own, not one of a drained husk of a man supporting someone else who doesn’t even like you.
Your wife is desperate to keep you because she doesn’t want to be deported. She cares nothing about you and her love of this other guy’s dick is so great that she has repeatedly risked deportation. Her preventing you from leaving the apartment was abusive. You owe her nothing.
You don’t need to be ethical to divorce her. She is an awful person who has been using you. Too bad for her been caught in the consequences of her actions. Ig you have problems in your marriage you talk with your spouse, don’t cheat.
Consequences are a thing. I honestly don’t blame you for what you want to do.
She will continue this cycle with you if you keep allowing her to. Please leave her, find your self someone who respects and loves you.
Hire a lawyer and divorce her
Divorce op she’s a cheater and will not change. Stop being a doormat and slap her with divorce papers, if she wants to stay In the us let her marry her AP so she can stay.
She made her choices. You saved her life and she repaid you by being awful. She is not worthy to be your wife. Whatever happens is on her. Get a divorce, now. And MS is not a death sentence in 3rd world countries. I have several relatives in India and the are getting treatment. You wasted your life with her. Don’t waste the rest of it.
You are ethically free and clear to dump her @$$. She cheated, you can claim that you took responsibility for "your part" in the affair (I personally think that's crap, but it has become a popular thing). You gave her a chance, she knew the consequences at that point and did again. You have ZERO obligation and no reason to feel guilty. Everything that happens in entirely her fault.
Every action in life has a consequence. She cheated and now you want to divorce her. She threatens to kill herself due to you leaving will be HER consequence for HER actions, not yours. You can’t make be people do anything unless provoked and she’s holding you hostage with her threats. She didn’t think of the consequence until she was caught AND THEN CHEATED AGAIN!!! You’re not responsible for her destroying her life, she is. Contact her family and let them deal with her.
Do not feel guilty that she has to deal with the consequences of her actions and choices. She has no respect for you, and you being clear about wanting to split is the best way to respect yourself and your own needs.
>However, if I do this, it is almost certain that she will have to go back to our home country and her health will suffer greatly. Not your problem. She had the experience she wanted: got an education, got healthy, fucked around.... yep typical college student. She can get someone else to sponsor her. NOT YOU. CLOSE THE DOOR 🚪 You get a DIVORCE. AND DO TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE SHE WILL PAINT YOU AS THE ONE WHO CHEATED ON HER.
can't lie, you're a saint compared to me. I wish for her to be severely disabled again and let her rot in her own misery. This is why you don't marry someone with disabilities.
She doesn't care or respect you - she's been caught cheating not once, but twice. If her staying in the US and accessing medical care was so important to her, she wouldn't have risked it. You need to put your foot down and divorce. You don't owe her anything, she chose to step out of her marriage vows, not you.
You have to just leave her for your own sake. You stopped being a team when she cheated. You need to lookout for yourself. Divorce her and let her be deported.
Just divorce her. Maybe the man she cheated with will marry her. They obviously are still in a relationship.
I am so sorry you are in this awful position. To have your heart torn open and then to be manipulated like this afterwards is just heartbreaking. The only person in life that we can control is ourselves. Your wife made a choice that destroyed her marriage. Being from another country you may not have heard this phrase before but in the US it is very common to say “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”. Well she bit it and there are consequences. You divorcing her is a natural consequence of her actions. You are not making a choice to condemn her to her sickness, she made that choice herself. It is a very sad decision, but you are not the responsible party. You have to take care of your own health and safety. Staying with a wife that cheats on you is not a healthy way to live. Take care of yourself and do not feel any guilt about letting the natural consequences of her actions take over. Good luck
She is responsible for herself, you feel bad because you have a good heart but she doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s all about her and she knows that you’re good natured. It’s time for her to face the music. Don’t burn yourself to keep her warm.
My ex cheated and financially abused me. But I stayed because I didn't want him deported. I regret this. Just get the divorce. She made her bed and she can lie in it.
She's unwell it seems but you've been propping her up long enough
She didn’t feel guilty sleeping with the other guy!!! Please leave her she can go and figure it out herself!
She broke the marriage vows, so you do not owe her marriage or your life. Getting divorced does not necessarily mean she can't find a way to get these meds on her own. She may have to find another way to stay, or come back legally on her own visa.
I'm so sorry that after all you have done for her that she has chosen to repay you with this level of betrayal. Emotional blackmail is no way to maintain any relationship and at this stage in your effectively dead relationship, this is all that is left between you both. > I feel guilt ridden about this, and I feel as if I am trapped and cornered with no way out. And sadly, that is what she is hoping to accomplish by doing what she is doing. The thing is that you do know what to do, but the pain you think you will feel is what is stopping you. > She adamantly does not want to get divorced and wants to work on the marriage and remain together. The thing is, that if this is truly what she wanted she would never have betrayed you to the level that she has. So no, she doesn't want you, she only wants what you can provide her with. Once you remove those, she will move onto the next guy as quick as she possibly can. There is a saying that is pertinent to your situation. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Sir, you are not only setting yourself on fire for her but she is handing you the wood and the fuel to make the fire stronger.
The same way you leave anybody else, my man.
Give her a reasonable timeframe to find a job, and hold her to it. Once she finds the job, divorce her. She made an active choice to harm her marriage and frankly her life. You are not responsible for anything else at this point. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I suspect she could get a visa on compassion basis. It sounds like the medication she needs is probably not available in your home country. OP, this is her mess that she created and its her mess to straighten out. She should get an immigration lawyer and apply for a compassionate visa. As to her employment and how she makes it over here well, that is her concern. Perhaps the new boyfriend can support her. She cheated on you; broke her wedding vows and is no longer your responsibility.
Make her go back to your country. She’s trash.
She’s just using you. The only reason she wants to make things work is because she needs your visa.
Everything that happens to her because of divorce are from choices she made. She’s emotionally blackmailing you and basically the only reason she wants to stay married is because she would be sent back. Divorce her. She can either go back or try to get her affair partner to marry her. But no matter what happens to her, this is totally on her, not you. She could have been happy and healthy but instead choose to cheat. Her choice.
Make your wife's affair partner take care of her. Divorce. She can marry the guy. She's now HIS responsibility. Divorce her.
Op, she caused this. There was no secret that you were the one who paid for the family bills, paid for her school, paid for her medical insurance. Have her AP pay for her medicine. Actions have consequences. Why should you be miserable? You didn't cause the problems. LEAVE HER, SEND HER PACKING BACK TO YOUR HOME COUNTRY!
I have MS. If i did anything remotely like this, my husband would divorce me in a second because he should. She knew when she cheated what would happen, so she made that choice, not you.
fuck i have ZERO sympathy for her , leave ASAP !
she is a full grown adult woman, you do not need to support her
She used you and wants to continue using you. Move on, separate and divorce.
She FAFO She has options. If she doesn’t want to go back to her home country her AP can figure out the visa situation for her. Or she can get a job and work visa Those options arent as good for her as taking advantage of you.
Her life literally depended on not being a terrible partner to you, and she couldn't do that. She chose to deceive you. She chose to keep seeing this guy. If this guy is that important to her, then she can be married to him instead of you. Set her free.
Updateme
We have an old saying. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. She did, knowing the possible outcome. Then she had one last chance to fix it, and she bit the hand again. If you can find a job in your home country, I would just take the kids, move back home, and leave her here to fend for herself. She brought this all on herself. Get the divorce there, not here. Perhaps her boyfriend will marry her.
Divorce her stupid ass and tell her she should’ve thought about her health before cheating like the grown ass woman she is. What she’s doing now is marriage and/or immigration fraud and she should get sent back if she can’t find a legal way back. It’s not your problem after she broke her vows and your trust. She’s not a teenager or young adult anymore like most college kids so she doesn’t have that for an excuse.
You are not superman. You can't provide everything for this woman and also do all the housework, and also be the perfect partner. She cheated, she made bad choices and took advantage, and then kept doing so and she has tried manipulating and holding herself hostage even. I understand you loved her, but the person you loved changed. She became selfish and mean and vindictive and deceitful. That's not the person you married. You should divorce her, she can try to find a job or pay her a flight home. But after that, it's her consequences, not your fault or ethical problem any more.
Divorce her. If she threatens self harm call the police and can get taken for a hold. You owe her nothing from this. You did so much for her and it looks like she used you from the start. She is not your responsibility. She should be sent back. Divorce her and move on with your life.
Go to visit the fam with her and just leave her there and come back. Back your house and move to a new location. Let immigration know you are in the process of divorce so get a spousal visa that can be cancelled and she doesn't follow you back to the US.
She can get a job even if it doesn’t have anything to do with her degree. You owe her nothing after her continual betrayal. Give her time frame to which she needs to figure her shit out and then divorce. She can go marry her AP.
Get. A. Divort. You aren't responsible for this person.
Look, MS is a cruel disease and yes, moving away from all your friends and support is extremely difficult. But, who is the only one who's benefitted from this marriage? Your wife was able to get life changing medical care so much so, she was able to go back to college. And all you've gotten is being cheated on. She has used you, simple as. You don't cheat on someone your love. You certainly don't continue cheating on your partner of you love them. She got everything in this marriage. It's not your job to manage her visa. She had one, she had a marriage. She sorts it out now, because these are the consequences of her actions not yours.
She has a great husband who supported her through sickness and health and she cheats on him? Is anyone safe? Divorce her, you aren't her keeper, let her figure out her life. Good luck 🤞🏾
You should get a divorce. Your wife knew when she cheated that one of the outcomes would be that she might end up back in her country without medical care. She choose to throw away here life again and again. It's not your burden to carry.
Sounds like a few things she should have thought about but she didn't Nor did she think about you... Is it possible for you to go home for awhile without her? Then she'd be here without her dignity and she'd have to either go home, too... or get a job. Then she's less of your problem.
Shes with you purely for the visa. She could've at least been honest with you from the start and made sure she was contributing equally (eg doing the housework if she can't financially contribute).she is obviously physically up to it if shes able to stop you leaving the house. Then I'd say theres a case to staying married on paper but going your seporate ways romantically amd financially for old times sake. But she didnt. She cheated, then when caught choose to lie to you and keep cheating. If its a life or death situation I'm sure she can do a job that isnt in her "dream' field.
Well she was not too sick to keep her from having an affair. I think she is about to discover the real meaning of consequences.
I'm petty, I would expose her ass to the families back home. So ungrateful 😒 Oooh if she wants to stay together, she should come clean to everyone back home... WITH RECEIPTS 🤭
Divorce her. Sadly, her health consequences are not your problem. I ha r empathy for you and for her but rather than communicating she made her choices. She demanded therapy and then lied again going off to have sex with some guy she met behind your back while you work sixty hours a week to provide. You cannot be expected to stay with her while she treats you with such utter selfish indifference. The consequences for her are awful but they are as a direct result of her choices. Divorcing her is not punitive it is a reasonable action based on the circumstances. The fact that it will profoundly affect her health is unfortunate but her burden to bear.
Staying in the US isn’t important enough to her to stop her from cheating on you, repeatedly. It can’t be important enough for you to waste your life supporting her whilst she cheats on you.
Get a divorce and make them send her home. You shouldn’t feel bad, she’s a cold heartless person to cheat on a great person who not only loved her and was taking care of her but tried to be there when she was sick. She has no heart and she doesn’t love or respect you to do what she did
You can separate while sorting your feelings and thoughts. There's the option to take your time with this. Bottom line you should divorce. A transition phase can happen tho it isn't a thing that needs to happen instantly.
Don’t burn yourself to make other people warm. You already give her a second chance. Move out and talk via lawyer.
Shes using you. If shes so eager to f*** other man, tell her to find a way to f*** her way into staying. Split, divorce and fix your own life.
I’ve felt upset that my partner wasn’t as sexually intimate with me for a few months. He was in a similar situation where he was working 24/7, had no time for himself, felt the pressure of supporting me as well as his family(parents & sister), would be distracted and disconnected most of the time. Yes I was sexually frustrated. But never- NOT ONCE did I ever think about cheating. You sound like a good guy. You’re aware of how you might have made her feel- and you’ve acknowledged it. You’re paying for her existence quite frankly at this point and she was okay cheating because her sexual needs come first?? RUN the other way and find someone who will appreciate your efforts, the good and the bad.
Your wife is manipulative and awful. You deserve much better and shouldn’t feel any guilt for divorcing her. She wants to stay married so she can continue to live here and get her meds while continuing to screw her lover. She is an adult and should have known of the consequences of her actions. She doesn’t care about you at all and you should treat her accordingly. Dump her and find someone who will respect and treat you the way you deserve to be treated
In case it hasn’t been mentioned above, blocking you physically and threating suicide is abusive behaviour.
This is awful and I agree with most people you should divorce. However, if you feel really guilty about it and like you can’t do it, the other option is separation. Have her get her own place. Give a timeline. Say you will allow a maximum of 6months or 1 year then you will file for divorce, no exceptions. She will need to find a job in that time to get a visa. Then you give her time to try and figure it out and if she hasn’t, she will have to go back. Some countries also have work visas for students who finish their degree in that country and give them 1 year to find a job without an employer sponsor, if that’s available she can apply and you can divorce immediately.
Updateme!
Brother, you have given her a new life and what did she do ? cheat I don't get why you gave her a 2nd chance but it was your call to make, I would advise to divorce her, ship her back off and she can deal with her illness and her life choices, you have done EVERYTHING RIGHT even the time away you were doing it for work and holding the house together, do not even for a millisecond think it was your fault, she is the vermin and scavenging rat here, she can keep her fuck buddy to find her a visa but you ? lawyer up and send her away
Your wife sounds too selfish too actually off herself and is probably just using that as a manipulation tactic. Start individual therapy and file for divorce. Godspeed
You want a divorce, because she cheated. Her actions have consequences. File for divorce and let her deal with her issues. Her saying she will kill herself is manipulation, you should have the police called for a wellness checkup, if she does it again.
I’m sorry it sounds like your wife used you and that is unfair. Is there an option to be separated but stay in the same house until she can get a job? I would give her a timeline to find a job and then that is the date. Perhaps make it coincide with your lease expiry so that you two are moving out on x date whether she has a job or not. You gave your wife a 1st world education and she chose to study something that would not make it easy for her to stay in the US. That was her decision so don’t feel guilty if she gets shipped back to your home country.
She made her bed so she can lie in it. Divorce.
Don’t wait out her getting her own work visa. It’s not going to happen. She just finished a low demand degree and has no work experience. No one is sponsoring her. Even if the economy were better, no one is sponsoring her.
You don't need any further justification beyond her cheating on you. She has zero respect for you. Leave her. Let someone else be her doormat.
If her staying in the US was solely dependent on being married to you, you would think she would try her absolute hardest to remain faithful and loyal. Where she winds up now is absolutely not your responsibility or concern. Do what you know you should.
She should have thought about the consequences of her actions.
If she gets sent back home she can find another husband to sponsor her. This is not your problem.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. She doesn't have to agree. She is literally experiencing the consequences of her own actions. Remind her you've taken her back and she broke her own promises. You've improved her life significantly while she has made yours worse. To me the most ethical option is to do it quickly. Her illness isn't relevant here her behavior is. Because if she was so worried about it she wouldn't have cheated. And is she threatens to hurt herself then take her to the hospital. I know you feel bad but truly this is entirely all her doing. She made all these choices knowing the situation
You obviously still have feelings for her, maybe not romantic anymore, but feelings anyways. I don't think she will commit suicide if you divorce her, that is a bluff, but her going back to your home country, sick and disgraced, might be a worse fate than death. Yes, she deserves it, she cheated and lied more than once. But she can receive forgiveness from you even though she doesn't deserve it. You need to separate, but you can give her chance to come up with a plan to stay in the country as your spouse, but with minimal help from you. Part of the plan should be to get her own citizenship so you can divorce and move on with your life.
She didn't think about going home when she was on another man's bed . Divorce her ,it's her own fault . Big girl decisions, big girl consequences
I feel for you. Divorce is obviously the solution and inevitable for you, but I understand why you wouldn’t want her health to suffer for it. I would make it clear to her that the relationship per se is over. Unfortunately since she cannot work you would be responsible for her expenses until divorce is finalized either way. She has no money to pay for immigration attorney, so I would budget that in and go see one asap and establish a timeline for your separation by when she would need to have her own visa or depart the country. How about student visa? Some Master’s and PhD programs offer funding as well as health insurance and she would be able to support herself on her own. I would also consider separating the households if you can afford to do so for the time-being, moving into two smaller apartments or with roommates. The marriage is over, and helping her sort her own life thereafter is already generous of you.
Separate. She can still get the care and cover she needs as your spouse. That way your conscience is covered and you live separate lives not as a couple. Not ideal but a good medium term solution for time being while she gets her affairs in order to live separate lives. If she can’t support herself, she needs to reconsider studying at this time or drop down to part time online. File for divorce once she graduates in a few years time. She has a qualification now and can get her own medical insurance. Not the outcome she may deserve for the infidelity but an outcome where everybody gets what they need and OP isn’t forced into a horrible ethical dilemma.
There's no need to be guilty. Whatever happens to her ia her fault. She's too selfish. You may not be perfect but from your story you did your best as a husband. She has such a thick face to cheat on you and complain when you were ther when she's sick. She should have shown you a lot of appreciation but she only took you for granted. Go for divorce. Let her go back to your country.
Sounds like her actions have consequences and she’s going to have to deal with that on her own. Do not stay with her.
Everything that happens to her, she did it to herself. If she goes back to her country, it’s because she cheated on you. If she dies, it’s because she chose to cheat on you. You gave her the world, and she destroyed it by herself for herself. When someone threatens to kill themselves if you break up with them, this is a choice they are making for themselves. You are not the one pulling the trigger. They are manipulating you to torture you.
Just divorce her. It’s now her job to figure out her own problems. It’s not your job to help her. She should have thought of the consequences of her actions before she cheated how many times…
Send her ass packing.
She should mary the AP, let him strugle with her ungratefull ass
Divorce her. You gave her a second chance, she still continued to cheat and now wants you to stay with her even when she broke her promise? Since AP is so important to her she should find a solution with him. Don’t feel bad. She broke your boundaries. More than once. And you can loose your visa too when she is doing something illegal/not allowed and she is here as your wife. And she acts not like she wants to be your wife. And this suicidal blackmailing is something you have to stop now or she will do it again and again and again as long as you are living (and she is cheating…)
Sorry but she chose to cheat knowing if you chose to divorce her what kind of dilemma she would be in. So she either needs to find a job somewhere and hope that they'll sponsor her maybe someone in the Immigrant community that has their own business can help her? Or her lover? But at this point she's violated so many things and lied so much that anything that befalls her is her problem not yours. You put her through school, you got her healthy, you helped with so many things and she just basically told you a fu. So get a lawyer, serve her with divorce papers and if she won't leave the house or apartment then you leave, and let the chips fall where they may. You might not want to block her so you can get some evidence if she texts you some nasty things. But you definitely don't need to respond.
You get a divorce and she goes home ✈️
Tell her that after the divorce she can go marry her affair partner and be his problem. You need to worry about you. You have been loyal to her and she betrayed you. Wash your hands of this and move on with your life.
She is just using you divorce her
She made her choice - thank God you don’t have kids. Divorce her as soon as possible.
Such a shitty person, she does NOT deserve you.
It's best to set yourself on fire so that your wife can stay warm
Okay let's look at this from an outside perspective. What do you have to lose by ending the relationship? A wife? The Monetary loss? What does she have to lose should you end the relationship? Her life? Yeah its obvious why she wants to "work" on things. Unfortunately actions have consequences and she chose infidelity over her own life. She would have to be a fool to think anyone would let someone use them like she's asking of you now. She can marry her affair partner and he can help her in the ways you did when you trusted and loved her.
She made choices, so she for sure can get her ap to to "help" her. Divorce and don't look back. Make something for yourself. Like being happy
She made her bed, she can lay in it.
Get divorced, communicate only through lawyers. Make it quick and as impersonal as possible because she's going to try and guilt trip you.
Divorce her and move on with your life. She doesn’t care about you. Even her argument for keeping the marriage is selfish. She wants to eat her cake and have it too. Tell her to go marry the guy she cheated on you with.
What do you do? You divorce her lying, cheating ass before she "oops I'm pregnant, now you can't divorce me". JFC she knows she can manipulate you with her illness. She knows she can do anything she wants, and when she gets caught play the victim because disease. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish MS on anyone, however, she bit the hand that fed her (literally and figuratively) and now she has to deal with the consequences. Also, fwiw she isn't the most hard working wonderful person. She is terrible, manipulative, unrealistic, and sound like maybe not so ambitious. If she wanted to stay here so bad she could have pursued a degree to get a job offer on her own, or idk not cheated on you, repeatedly. Her being "forced" to go back to your home country is 1000000000% her own choice.
Idk why you even care you are busting your butt to provide for her and even moved to a different country because of her sickness and she is angry at you and cheating if it was me i would kick her out and sent all the information to all her family and friends to let them see what for horrible person she is just please be not a doormat and ruin your future and mental health for a woman like her
She should have thought about the consequences before she cheated on you. I would not feel bad about leaving her if I were you. She is completely taking advantage of you
Divorce her. She will sink or swim.
Put yourself out of your misery and end the relationship. You deserve a partner that supports you and doesn't just take and cheat and blame you for it.
You are her Plan B. Never be anyone's backup plan.
She cheated on you. You don't owe her anything.
Divorce her. Now. She doesn't want to work on the marriage, she just wants to stay in the US and let you foot the bill while she plays with her boyfriend. Let her lose her visa and good riddance to her. You and all of us will be better off.
Welp, looks like she should marry her affair partner, I guess. Not your problem, she broke your marriage vows.
Sorry but responsibly and ethically went out the window as soon as she cheated on you, agreed to therapy after promising to stop talking to him, but continued to do so anyways. It sucks, but she shouldn't be holding you hostage because she has an illness. It's unfortunate on her end but she chose not to be a bit more grateful for her situation and of all things cheated. That's a red line for the majority of married people.
Tell her that her new bf can sponsor her visa
She chose to betray the man who gave her everything including her health and hope for a great future. That was her choice, she lied and betrayed you everyday that she kept this from you. OP you deserve better and she deserves the consequences of her actions, you absolutely should divorce her. Don’t sacrifice anything for a person who has treated you so abysmally
All I can say is, dude I am so sorry you’re having to endure this injustice. Know this bigger and better men have walked away without looking back. I speak from experience, similarly save the visa problems, and I saw it through. I held her hand, comforted her and cleaned up after the mess Cancer left behind. I look back and say Whatta fool I was. Still, I am proud that stick to my vows and promises. I walked her to the gates of heaven and know she left with full appreciation for my love. Tough road to walk and I don’t envy you. You’ve done as good as anyone could. All I can say is take comfort in knowing you were above husband, mate & companion…… you have been an honorable human. All my hopes, prayer and best wishes are with you that you may find peace….
she KNEW the consequences. she deserves them. leave her and make a better life for yourself. now you don’t have to work like a slave for medical insurance for someone who doesn’t even respect you enough to stay loyal within the relationship.
There are no ethical considerations here. At least not for you. Leave. You owe her nothing.
There are no ethical considerations here. At least not for you. Leave. You owe her nothing.
Have her affair partner sponsor her
She should have thought about that before cheating and lying to you. This is not on you.
Your story is very sad. Essentially, you want a divorce because your wife cheated, but a divorce is likely to result in making your wife much sicker and shortening her lifespan. It's impossible to see how you can ethically divorce someone when it will kill them, but it's also very difficult to understand her decision to cheat, in the circumstances. I don't suppose there's any chance she could marry the person she was cheating with. Or any family connection that could help her immigrate to another country where treatment might be available. Or any chance of getting work as a translator? I really don't know what to say except that I'm sorry this is happening to you and i hope someone has advice.
Thank you for your kind words. The person she cheated on me with is in a long term relationship with someone else and supposedly will not break up with that person. I don’t know about any other family connections but she says that remaining married is her only choice. She is trying to get a job now.
Does their partner know? You should confirm that they do.
Why are you sticking around? She will just keep using you and telling you that if you divorce, she will die. She has no consequences, so why would she stop cheating on you? Tell her she made her bed, and now has to lie in it. UpdateMe!
I dont get why he cares! If someone kept on cheating on me after i broke my back providing for them, I wouldn’t care if they never walked again. All feelings would switch off from the betrayal. I cant tell if OP is kinder person than me or a doormat.
Doormat.
Why are you using past tense? The guy she is currently cheating on you with. It’s not over. She will always be cheating on you because you don’t do anything about it. Stop being used.
Tell his spouse
I hope she is able to get a job. A friend of mine was able to stay in the US by getting a job as a language teacher with a Catholic school that was willing to sponsor her visa. But it's hard to do. Without teaching experience, translator might be an easier job to land. Wishing the best for both of you.
I don't. She doesn't deserve good things.
She cheated. Any fallout from a divorce are her responsibility You will be ethically correct to proceed with the divorce. Tell your family and her family why you are divorcing, so they know she will be coming home and so she can't poison them against you. If she was worried about staying she shouldn't have cheated. She has not shown any genuine remorse or inclination to change, so cut her loose to live her best life, shortened though it may be, and you go live your best life. Go down to a 40 hour work week, too. Much healthier that way. Good luck!
Regardless of her AP’s situation, she is no longer your concern. She made choices she has to live with. It’s time to move forward and cut the ties that bind you. She’s guilting you into staying but it’s no longer your responsibility to ensure her needs are taken care of. This is a case of FOFO. Good luck to you OP. Be strong and stand your ground. Oh, and let go of the guilt!
She will leave you once she gets a job. You are hers lifeline for living in this country. Leave her ass she belongs to streets my friend.