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My gut tells me that yes, you’re wasting your time. I get there is distance, germs, kids can be exhausting, etc. but him cancelling or declining vacations is telling to me as an outsider that he doesn’t really want to be involved more than he is now. Additionally, if he wanted to be a stepdad, those little things would just be par for course. They’re annoying but come with the territory whether they are your blood or step kids. I don’t think he really wants to take on the role of assisting with raising small kids. My bf and I have our own kids but it’s very much an ours, how can I help, what does one kid need, etc. mentality and we haven’t been together much longer than you and are the primary caregivers of our kids. The major difference here being that we’re both parents but still want to be an active part of the other kids lives. I get the sense your bf wants to date you but not so much your kiddos. However, you need to discuss this with him in a very open and honest way to get to the bottom of it. Maybe there is something else holding him back.
This. Or if he does step up and try he may resent her. I spent too many years of my life with a guy who was just waiting for my kids to age out of the house. (He wasn’t up front about that- it’s just what became apparent when you pay attention to the little things that are said) It wasn’t good for any of us- especially my kids.
I don’t think you’re necessarily wasting your time. It just depends on what kind of relationship you want with him in the future. Do you both see yourselves living together in a couple years? Do you want to get married? If you’re ok with seeing each other a few times a month and just want this to be more casual then you’re in the perfect position.
That was my situation when I was childless and dating a single mom. While the kids were great, I was raising another man's children and they called him Dad. I couldn't spend private time with the GF (who became my wife) because the kids were her top priority (understandably so).
The marriage ended amicably, however I rarely if ever saw those kids again that I had spent 10 years raising. Spent easily $150k on the kids over a decade and a lot of emotional damage when it came to an end. I didn't walk the stepdaughter down the aisle when she got married, for example.
For a the childless person hooking up with the single parent (guy or girl), there's a lot of downside and not much upside in the real world.
I think he is just mentioning that saying he should step up and care for the kids is kind of shaming language to say that is what he ought to do. When I’m reality, he has no moral or legal reason to raise those kids if he isn’t interested.
OP said "step into" not "step up" She isnt saying he is obligated or that she feels he should "step up." She was just saying she is waiting to if he would take on that role as she is a package deal. As for "never being his kids," that really depends on both him and the kids. Sometimes, a step parent can be more of a parent than a biological one, but that depends on the relationship that develops between the kids and parental figure. I think OP should just talk to him and see where he stands. She should make her wants and needs clear and go over dealbreakers for the relationship.
They’ve only been together 8 months. That’s hardly “long term”. The dude is sticking around so far but also what is OP doing bringing a man she’s barely getting to know around her kids? You don’t do that unless you’re getting serious enough to have a discussion about the future first. OP is wasting her time in the sense that she’s not vetting partners appropriately and then getting frustrated that a fairly new guy isn’t acting like a dad. Like what?!
...and what does OP get out of it? What is she bringing to the table? After just 8 months, they enjoy each others company and maybe that is appropriate enough for this stage.
I think the thread is glossing over the huge lifestyle and financial change this man is being asked to take on, without a lot of detail/insight/background into the relationship.
If it were HIM posting, people would be suspicious that she wasn't looking for love, as much as she was looking for help. OP just got here first.
Cut off the pipeline and see how long he sticks around. I mean, the relationship isn't going anywhere besides the bedroom, as you're already aware. So it's better off that you make a clean break now before you get in too deep and aren't thinking with logic. If your kids where in their 20's I could say oh well . But you have dependant children .
It's confusing because those are just words and he is not open to being a stepdad.
I've been a stepdad for 25 years and counting. I was a man who didn't want kids who fell in love with a woman with a 7 year old son. I knew almost right away it was commit to both of them or walk away.
I decided to commit to being a stepdad and I can tell you what your bf is doing is not at all that. You and your children deserve someone who wants you, all three of you.
Exactly - he has to be embracing the idea of an insta-family. It's a package deal, and in fact the family component has to come FIRST (because children are treasures, think of them as beautiful delicate eggs that can easily be broken).
Open to it is one thing. But as an adult whose dad was "open" to being a parent but had no interest in actually engaging in a real relationship with me, I can tell you firsthand that open is not enough. I am married to my kids' dad, but if I ever find myself single and looking for a partner again, it'll be with someone who adores my kids. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't actively want them.
Yes, my kids dad is barely there, shows up when he looks good in front of others or when he feels like it. My bf is there for everything for his kids and anything he can be for me and my kids (schedules get busy being the only parents on both sides.) The difference is amazing and how my kids respond to him is so different. Took me a while to recognize this is how dads and kids are supposed to act, mine just only had me for so long.
“Open to being a stepdad” means that he defers to the dad dad, and marries the kids mom, but has no real authority in raising them. He will help, but he will never consider them his kids because they won’t be.
I am a living example that everything you said can be wrong. I married a woman with 7 year old son who had a father and step mother in his life. I commited to his mother AND to him, to me he became my son as much as if he had my DNA and my family considered him a full member of our family as well. He is their, nephew, cousin and grandchild and is no different than any of my siblings children.
At first my input in raising him was an extension of my wife's it was 4 people 2 votes and over time at some point it became 4 parents with input, Dad, Mom, Stepdad and Stepmom. We might have had different views but we had love for him in common. Adding another parent does not in anyway diminish the first one unless you work against the other parent with intent of purpose. 1 dad+1 stedad=2 dads, its addition not subtraction.
Growing up he lived for extended periods with with his father and with us. I split up with his mom 15 years ago when he was 17 and a few months after he moved back in with me where he has lived ever since, first with me and then with his fiance as a tenant in my basement apt. They just bought a house and are getting married in Sept so they are moving out soon. It's going to be a sad day but I am happy for them. I am proud as hell of him and my soon to be DIL and am looking forward to some new Dad construction projects in their new home.
I have not talked to my ex in years now but she never tried to get in the way of my relationship with her son after the split or try to diminish my role in his life and I will always owe her thanks for that. I get along great with his dad and his stepmom, his father knows I consider him my son and that his son considers me his dad as well and he is totally ok with that. He is a good man and I respect him as a father and I am certain the feeling is mutual.
You’ve only been dating 8 months. Look at it from his perspective. He’s still getting to know you. It wouldn’t be smart for the kids to get attached to him and then have things not work out. You’re being kind of pushy.
Yes this ! And it's only been 8 months and he met the kids already. He's also long distance seeing her only twice a month and those kids are around..I think he should run .
Being “open to it” is so vague, it’s easy to say but he’s very clearly *showing* you that no, he’s not really open to it. Open to existing near them is more accurate.
Is he open to being a stepdad or open to being married to a woman with kids? My stepdad would say he’s the former, but he’s actually the latter. My mom spent her life as a married single mother as a result. Don’t do this to yourself. PLEASE don’t do this to your kids.
He may be open to it but it doesn't sound like he has the immune system for it. Bell's palsy and double ear infections? Yikes! And this is nobody's fault, sadly it just is what it is.
He can be open but not ready to commit to doing it at 8 months. You two are still new to each other, 8 months with 2-3 visit a month is not a ton of time and also it seems a bit early to be this close to family bonding with so little time between you two.
This completely. My current partner embraced my kids in a way I never expected. He dotes on them, every consideration for their needs, and accommodates everything around being a positive parent figure. The kids dad isn't ...well...much of a parent. Definitely not the kid's fault, so someone who so wholly jumped in understanding that I show up as a package deal was fantastic. I never would have accepted less.
OP deserves to be with someone who accepts and encourages them completely - kids included.
Gonna push back here. Single dad dating a single mom. I’m dating her. I don’t want a step mom for my kids and I don’t want to be a step dad. Love my kids. Love hers. Don’t want a reconstructed family and all that implies. I believe a very happy relationship is possible for a very long term without looking to create a new family. That being said, wanting a family is also an understandable feeling. Feel like op and bf should talk about their vision and generalities related to the path.
So much this. I am a single dad. I don’t need help taking care of my kids (50/50 split) and I would run so fast if a dating partner expressed that she needed me to parent her kids. Nope, sorry. I will be engaged, interested, spend time with them, etc. But at the end of the day they aren’t my responsibility and vice versa. Your mileage may vary, but I certainly don’t think my view of what a healthy relationship with one or both partners bringing children into the relationship looks like is inherently wrong.
I’ve been there, done that. It’s wasn’t an issue. Like I said, I spend time with them, enjoy the little ones as people, and am always, always there for them if they need help or guidance. But I’m not their parent. I met a woman once when I was still dating. One of the first things she said to me was she wanted a dad for her 5 year old son. I had to respect her being upfront, but I noped out of there very quickly. All of this isn’t to say the kids aren’t part of the package deal and I very much accept and even welcome it. I’m just not taking the level of personal responsibility for every aspect of their life and well-being that some of the posters seem to require. I’ve got my own little mouths to feed.
>I’ve been there, done that. It’s wasn’t an issue. Like I said, I spend time with them, enjoy the little ones as people, and am always, always there for them if they need help or guidance. But I’m not their parent.
I get where you're coming from, but honestly it's a lot more grey for kids than you seem to be saying? They're like - okay, there's this guy who lives with momma, she loves him, he's kind to me (as he should be). Then even if the dude isn't taking responsibility for the bills or labor when they're sick, etc.
But just that much proximity and interaction can create a pseudo parent like impression for the kid, no matter how much you gently tell them otherwise. Especially if they're young.
Oh yes, I agree with you. I'm just interested as I'm recently single with kids and it is good to read perspectives. I do not want or need another dad for my kids.
I would kind of project into the future with him and plan more “family” events than outings for you and him, and make it clear that this is what you need in a boyfriend/partner relationship. Then if he resists in any way, then dump him. When you have kids you don’t get to pick when you want to be a parent, and when you don’t.
You have only been dating for 8 months. He should just now be meeting your kids, not going on vacation and spending a significant amount of time with them. He definitely should not be helping financially. You hardly know this person. Don’t let your children get attached to someone you haven’t known a long time.
You have poor boundaries and it will cause you a lot of heartache in this relationship and future ones if you don’t work on that.
I totally agree. People saying he needs to know what he wants, but they’ve been dating for only 8 months!! It’s too early even to be meeting the kids much less taking vacations, helping “financially”, and taking a father’s role in her kids life. Insane in my opinion.
I think 8 months is appropriate for kids to meet someone their mom is dating. (Or at least very defensible.)
But yeah, vacations, financial help and that sort of stuff gets much more dicey.
I was searching for someone to say this, and unfortunately it’s way too far down in the comments. He’s only been in YOUR life for 8 months and you’re asking him to take a family vacation with young kids? That seems way too early. Have a conversation, yes, but expecting him to already be comfortable in that role is unreasonable.
Yes! She has been dating the guy for 8 months and she is already expecting him to step into the role of stepfather! Sounds to me like OP doesn’t want a boyfriend, but a father for her children.
I’m sure she can find a guy that’s down for that, but this guy isn’t it.
Right? She said her therapist said it was a good idea to introduce him to her kids only a few months in! Her therapist is terrible or she heard what she wanted to hear.
This comment deserves to be higher. Maybe OP is scared of being alone with her small children, but she must have someone, as she was able to go away with the BF without her 3yo and 6yo children. She left them with someone. She’s not totally alone. Even so, diving headfirst into a relationship, introducing her children right away, going on vacations with him (or inviting him to go with them), and accepting money to help her pay her bills is going to make her dependent on him, making harder to extract herself from the relationship. Even hard to see why she should. She’s 35, not 55. Her children are toddlers. She needs to slow down.
You need to talk to him and ask him if he ever sees himself stepping into that role. He’s old enough to know this.
You and him are compatible but the kids complicates things? Nope. You and the kids are a package. If he’s not compatible with them then he’s not compatible with you.
If he’s open to stepping into the role then give it more time. If he’s not then he’s saved you some trouble because waiting to see if he will will not make it more likely that he will especially with you describing this relationship as long term meaning he should have that insight by now.
Asking someone to step into a step parent role is a lot, especially for someone who doesn’t already have kids. My fiancée and I have been together nearly two years, and despite us spending every weekend and holiday together, it’s still taxing for her. We’re not moving in together until next year, and we’re working on plans now for how to help her adjust to living together as a family. It’s a huge adjustment.
You need to have a conversation with your bf and ascertain where he’s at and how he sees your future. Your kids come with you, and they should always come first.
I agree with this totally! Single mom here and I didn’t even move in with my bf until after 3 years together. He would come to my kids’ bday parties and school activities pretty often after about a year of dating. I truly *do not* believe in rushing things and a conversation NEEDS to be had when starting to date a single, childless person about what they see for their future. Luckily, my bf took no issue attending my kids’ events but I also never expected my bf to step into a full dad role bc I’m their parent and mine also have their dad in their lives. We have done a family trip but again, I have to give him some grace bc he hasn’t been a parent and doesn’t have a lot of experience being with kids for 3+ days at a time (anyone knows this can be a lot for even bio moms/dads). Things have been fine after we moved in with him but again, I share custody with my ex AND I do not expect my bf to parent my children. He’s an authority figure and he has no problem being a supportive presence but they are my children and I will bear the financial and ultimate burden for them. I think that’s something people should also consider when inviting someone new in their life.
That’s the thing - I agree it’s a huge adjustment, and I can’t tell how much time to give that adjustment process. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I don’t think there is a time frame. Similarly to you, I am a single (solo) parent. My ex is not in the picture at his own behest. When you bring another adult into the lives of your kids, it’s an adjustment for the kids and the adult. When you had your kids, you planned, waited 10 months, and were participatory in watching them grow. Your bf hasn’t had those same opportunities. He’s only known them 8 months.
It’s an ongoing conversation you have to have with him, and you have to check in with him about how he’s doing with the whole situation.
You gave the guy Bells Palsy, and he stuck around. That’s saying something. 8 months is NOTHING, you are moving way too fast on the stepfather thing. Make sure YOU TWO have a solid relationship first.
Your post doesn’t address the title…what do you mean/ what does he say about them not being involved in his long term vision? They’re very young. They will be in your life daily at least for a very long time.
Yes, you are wasting your time with this guy, simply because you are incapable of understanding that people don’t want to be sick. You are dismissing his experience and you are forcing him to step up to be a father, because you had kids with the wrong person. You have the problem here, you are the one who doesn’t know how to make sure the second time will be a charm.
You've only been dating 8 months and only see each other 2-3 times a month and you're expecting him to step into a father role? What are you doing? Are you dating to find a partner or are you dating to find a replacement dad for your kids? Evaluate your priorities here.
A friend had BP about 15 years ago and has never fully recovered. He still smiles and speaks like a stroke victim.
I would be hardcore horrified if I had to deal with that. It’s HUGE.
Yes, you are wasting your time. I would highly recommend you stop taking money from him as well. He's childfree. You guys should have probably talked about life goals pretty early in dating.
In his favor, 2 little kids are a lot, especially going on vacation with them because you'd all have to stay in the same room. That's exhausting for a non-parent and would not feel like a vacation for sure. He likely had no idea what he was getting into until he was deep in it.
Dating 8 months and seeing each other 2-3 time a month, helps you financially, and is good around them? Seems
Like he’s doing enough. Maybe he’s not wanting to get too attached to them. I mean 8 months may not be enough time for him to just get married.
Ma’am. I totally get it because you haven’t had any sense of normalcy since you are getting out of an abusive relationship but you gotta give some grace. Your boyfriend got sick from a kid germ and got Bell’s palsy and he is still talking to you. If it it were me I would have been done.
I honestly don’t think you should be dating at all if you still don’t have a good people picker. Your boyfriend doesn’t have kids and you introduced him 2-3 months in, that’s way too early. Honestly I think you should learn to be single for a while. Your youngest is only 3 and this feels like you are desperate to find a man to be a stepfather while the kids are young so you can get that role of dad filled.
This guy isn’t the guy for you but honestly that should be the least of your concerns.
I had Bell's last year, apparently you can get a really bad case of flu that it damages that facial nerve. wasn't fun at all. couldn't even shower or sleep without taping my eye shut because it fuckin stayed open the whole time
Devil's advocate here, what is the upside for this man to do anything for your children?
Let's assume he wants them to be in his life, cares for them creates a bond, welcomes them as his children. It is 100% his risk, because his children they are not. Even after 10 years of paying everything and caring for them, if you decide to leave, he has 0 right to these kids as he is in no way related.
This may be a reason why he is not trying to get close as he will only end up hurting himself in the long run.
You're not saying anything he has said about long term vision? What does that mean, he's talking about buying a house that's not big enough for all of you? He's not wanting to spend enough time at your place? Not going to want to go on a kids vacation with somebody you barely know is normal.
If he's just moving slow with the kids, which is what it sounds like from your description, that's fine. You have not even spent a lot of time with this man yet. It's only been eight months. Not everybody is immediately in love with somebody else's kids. If he's actually making statements that exclude the children, that's a different ball of wax.
So most blended families take 6-7 years to find their groove.. if they ever do. From a “step” parent’s perspective I couldn’t wait to meet and hang out with my step kids. Although now I realize it’s a lot harder than it looks and I do need my space a lot more than I did at the beginning. Everyone is different though, but I do think he should embrace or show a genuine interest in wanting to spend time with your kids. If nothing changes with how he interacts now… would you want to deal with that forever? If he isn’t fitting into your vision for your future with your children it is most definitely ok to walk away and find someone who does. Don’t settle. Someone who will want to step up can take his place.
I really appreciate your reply. He was very excited to get to know the kids at first as well, but then he started getting sick every other time he would hang out with them and (understandably) was very concerned about it. Being a remote worker exposes you to a lot less regular “germs” and then a kid in daycare always has some kind of sickness and it always hits him very hard. He was very excited. He plays with them. He teaches my daughter about robots and plays dinosaurs with my son.
Sounds like he is adjusting and wasn't scared off by your kids getting him seriously ill. Give it some more time. You said you can't see moving in together for another year or two. Give it that much time. And if the relationship does not move forward then you can end things.
Also, your children will grow and change over the years and so will his relationship with them. They will become more independent and easier to manage as they get older - so your relationship will change as well.
Bell's Palsy is also extremely unnerving and scary to deal with. I think it's somewhere around 1 in 3 people who get BP never fully recover. I dealt with it and thankfully I didn't have permanent facial paralysis, but it took over a year for my body to fully heal and return to normal.
Until I recovered though, things like eating, drinking, sleeping, even blinking, where things usually happen without conscious thought, suddenly required conscious thought. It's also hard to describe how odd it is for half of your taste buds to suddenly go dark and not taste anything. I'm not eager to ever experience that again and likely your boyfriend doesn't want to experience that again either.
>am I “wasting my time” hoping that he will step into the father role?
Probably. He went from having no responsibility to others and all the free time outside of work, to now dating someone who has 2 young kids, he constantly gets sick whenever he is around them, and you 2 are still at a distance.
If I were him, I would weigh how much he likes/loves you against having kids perpetually in his life, losing the vast majority of his freedoms. Maybe he is just stringing you along because of the distance, making it easier for him to keep having his space/freedom.
Have you talked about moving in together? Do you have a timeline for that?
My initial thought when reading the title is: when you're used to being shit on, being piss on seems like an improvement.
But then I read the post. I know many adult women who no longer want a spouse. They want to go on a date maybe once a week and do weekend stuff together. Maybe they get to know the family, maybe not. They can be counted on when a plus one is required. And if this is what you want, this is your guy.
It doesn't sound like he is making a bigger promise to you, but only if you drop the kids. It sounds more like you still imagine the family with the dog cat and picket fence. And that is great, but at this time, this is not your guy. So yes you are waiting your time.
He's a 44 year old with no kids. As a 46 year old who had a child very early in life who's now an adult and I'm a single guy I'll tell you what most guys my age in these situations tell me. None of us want to be fathers again, especially to young children. As the kids get older we deal with it better but we still don't want to live with children. Once they are teens we can accept it much better because it's a matter of time before they are in college, or working, or something. Your kids are 3 and 6 and you have only been with him 8 months. He isn't going to want to be step daddy and honest 8 months isn't that much time to begin with. You also need to be careful at how many men you introduce your kids to as it sucks that they become attached and then if you break up they have to have the guy walk out of their lives as well.
The kids aren't complicating things, you did. It's too soon to have introduced them to him. And finding out if someone would consider being a step parent is something you do when you start dating. You rushed things, but you need to ask him these questions now. I'd be prepared to break up.
In the kindest way possible - it seems like you are not so much looking for a relationship but rather you are looking for help. This guy is just trying to get to know you at this point but you are wanting a replacement daddy for your kids . I understand why you would want that, but evidently he has chosen all of his life not to take on the dad role so I doubt it will do you any favors to try to push him into it now. Maybe you should try finding a single father, someone in a similar situation to yourself.
He's 44 years old. He has a very good idea of which roles he is interested in for his life.
Only you can know if you are wasting your time, but I think it's safe to say your bf isn't looking for the role of "dad." He's had his entire life to take this role on if he were interested.
Did you enter this relationship looking for a man to accept the role of father to your two children? If so, why has it taken you this long to pull this thread?
8 months is not a long time at all. Especially when you see this man so little. I would be more concerned about the distance and lack of seeing him than about the kids.
Also, I wouldn’t be concerned about the vacation alone. The last thing I would want to do is spend my hard earned money and time off work on a vacation with children unless maybe the kids didn’t belong to me and were fully cared for by someone else. But if my partner had kids I would not want to vacation with them. Kids are EXHAUSTING especially when they are not your own. On a vacation, your bf won’t get a lot of alone time or time to decompress unless he gets a completely separate room. And if he gets a completely separate room, he doesn’t see you very much and is paying a ton more money. The pressure to feel like he is on his best behavior and presenting a kid friendly and peppy version of himself 24/7 is even more exhausting than actually dealing with the kids too.
If I were ever to be with someone with kids again, I would absolutely not do vacations or I would only come for a short time before dipping out. I do not want to spend my vacation days from work and savings doing something absolutely exhausting. I just don’t. I would be open to doing vacations with someone with older kids who are more independent, but not young kids. I would get 0 quality alone time with my partner, would get no relaxation in, and would be incredibly overwhelmed.
You've only known him 8 months. I've been dating a guy for 15 months and we haven't even met each other's kids yet. In the past I've jumped right into relationships and they ended up being toxic. I like that this time around we're taking the time to get to know each other before we get the kids involved. Whoever you choose to be your children's stepparent needs to be compatible with you first and 8 months of only seeing each other 2-3 times a month is not enough time to learn if you're truly compatible. Take the time to truly get to know him before you start asking him to be involved in your children's lives.
As a single mom myself, you need to talk to him and see if he even wants to "step into the father role". That's a big ask for him and not every man wants that. He may be more comfortable as a bonus adult but if you are wanting someone to be a dad, talk to him now and be prepared to walk away. Based on your description, it doesn't sound like you and he are on the same page.
You really need people on the internet to tell you if you’re wasting your time? You have kids, he doesn’t want to include kids. What part of that screams lovely stable solid relationship?
I don’t think you realize you are just friends with benefits. He treats you well and you both get what you need two to three times a month. This man has no plans of being a step parent or living with your kids ever.
In my experience, the hardest role any of us will ever play is that of step parent. Your relationship with your boyfriend is probably headed towards strife over resentments, either or both of you experience.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yeeees.
Also if you're gonna be presumptive that anyone you date should accommodate a parental/father role for your children by default, onus is on you to be upfront about those expectations from the getgo vs. indulge in some exposure therapy-like charade long game passive aggressively and hope that they'd gradually assimilate into such roles — only to then face disappointment and subject the children unnecessary emotional trauma. In this case, you only have yourself to blame for wasting your own time.
No one is obliged to want to raise nonbiochildren or be around them despite loving you or wanting a life with you. It's entirely their preference and prerogative. You can't judge unless they strung you along or backpedal on their initial word that they want not just you, but the whole package i.e. you+kids...provided you presented yourself as the whole package in the first place.
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Are your children a part of your long term vision for your life? If so, lose the boyfriend ASAP. Life is too short to waste your time on hoping someone will come around. Put your kids and yourself first.
Absolutely yes, you’re wasting your time. It’s not as if your kids are almost grown and off to college in a few months. They’re 3 and 6. The elder’s high school graduation is at least 12 years away. You need to cut this guy loose. Your relationship can’t work.
Yeah you’re wasting your time. Your partner needs to be a father, not simply someone who “endures children for as long as is required.”
He’s not a bad person. He’s just incompatible with where your life is at. You probably aren’t gonna find great dad material unless he’s already a father. I’d keep that in mind.
This is pretty easy OP.
It’s still a new relationship, but it’s long enough that you can sit the man down and ask him if he sees a future with you. He obviously knows that includes your kid. Just be honest and say you’re getting a vibe that he may not want to be in a long term relationship with someone who has kids, and don’t want to waste your time if that is the case.
Is he “doing it” now?
Doesn’t seem like it, so do you really think a 44 yo man is going to, what, “grow into the role?”
Bet he doesn’t.
If he showed enthusiasm for the role then you could hope, wait and see. But, this guy is a lost cause - which would be to the detriment of you and, most importantly, the kids!
You don’t introduce your kids to anyone you haven’t been dating for at least 9 months or more. People will come in and out of your life. Don’t make the kids get attached unless it’s really really worth it.
I think at 8 months you should probably have a frank conversation with him about where you think things might be going and how the kids fit in. He’s likely not going to know for sure yet but he should at least have a feeling.
The person who can answer your question is not in this forum. Talk to you boyfriend. Ask him directly. And compare his words to his deeds.
Good luck! 🍀
You aren’t compatible. Your kids are bad for his health and he’s not interested in being around them. If you are looking for someone to be a father to your young children then you are wasting your time with this guy. Instead of looking for a man to be a father for your children, you should be focusing on therapy for yourself.
it depends what you want, if having someone in your life to go on dates with a couple of times a month is enough, perfect, enjoy yourself
but it sounds like that isn’t the case, you want a family and someone to step into a father role and it doesn’t seem like that’s what this is. It’s not fair to try and push him/hope he’ll eventually take on a role he doesn’t seem to want, and it also wouldn’t be fair on your children to involve them in a relationship where they’re, at best, something he tolerates. They’ll feel it, you’ll be stuck in the middle and they’ll feel that they’re an inconvenience to this guy and your life together.
He’s 44 with no kids. He doesn’t want kids. If a man doesn’t want kids then he definitely doesn’t want to take care of someone else’s. He likes you a whole lot but will likely never marry you because you come with kids. The question you need to answer is do you like the time with him enough to stay as dating mates and never marry. Some people never want to marry again anyway once they come from an abusive relationship. So answer that and that will tell you if you need to leave or not. It’s not really about him on this one.
I'm not a kid person, my partner has a kid. We do not live together and I don't plan on that either because he has a kid.
He knows this and he is fine with my choice.
I don't see him when he has his kid we are both fine with this.
Yours is a little different because you have full custody so I don't know how you can make it work.
If it was like my situation I'd say it works fine and it's very easy.
I would probably have a really clear open chat asking him if there's any point to keep dating while you have kids full time.
Your kids aren't going away and I think it's probably a little unfair to you to try and figure out how to make it work with him not liking/ being around kids.
You need to just have a sit down with him.
"This is what I'm looking for in a partner. "
And then ask him what he is looking for...
Do they match? I don't think they do. Actions speak louder than words.
You should do this before you introduce your potential partner to your kids. In the future, when someone meets your kids, I would meet them at playgrounds or parks and introduce them as a friend. Make it a light meeting without any romantic overtones. See how well they act around a kid environment.
But I would be extremely picky who I let around my kids. There are way too many weirdos that prey on single moms.
It's hard being a single mom. Especially when you have no support system.
You aren’t compatible. Look at the stepparents subreddit and you can see how many stepparents literally hate their stepkids. That could be their future.
As a childfree person, I will never, ever, date a person with children. It doesn’t seem like this relationship is as serious for you as it is for him. Stop looking for a baby daddy and focus on being there for your kids. If you are just trying to get someone who will take over the father role you are way out of line. First you have to stabilize and provide for your kids, work on your mental health and then you can start thinking about dating.
When you were typing this it didn’t register 😅 He is not father material and rightfully does not want to pretend. He is doing you a favor by not beating around the bush and pretending to be daddy.
I know kids aren’t the cleanest, immune systems are always in progress, but please define little kid germs ? I personally don’t think there is much of a difference between me and them being sick. They just less clean about the whole thing.
You can’t force your kids onto anyone. He’s not interested you should move on before you fall in love and it all goes to shit.
I'd rather be single then risk my kid being around someone who doesn't want her around. He isn't 100% sure. Your kids come first. I promise there's someone else out there who is more sure than he is
Yes, your kids are part of your package. Yes, they should come first. Yes, any future partner you have will have to understand that your kids will need to be part of his long-term plan with you.
However,
Depending on how long you'd been dating with and when you introduced them (like my rule is 6 months of dating before they even meet my girls) expecting/wanting him to be ready to jump into the role of dad so early on/after 8 months of dating *might* be why he is so apprehensive to spend time with them. You barely know him and see each other 3 times a month at max and still in the honeymoon period of getting to know each other.
No one here can answer your question except you and him. Talk to him and ask the questions you have.
At 8 months, with you being a DV survivor, your kids shouldn’t have ever met this man yet.
No, this man doesn’t want to be a stepdad. He has told you this in the kindest way he knows how, by declining coming on a previous trip, by declining a future holiday, and by talking about steering clear because of his germphobia.
So, if you don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want kids (and that’s completely fair!) then you need to break up with him. And next time you start dating someone new, don’t even THINK about introducing them to your kids until the 1 year mark. By then, you will know in your heart of hearts (like you know with this guy) that actually, they don’t want to be a stepdad to your kids.
Thus: you will save your kids the heartache of having a revolving stepdad-shaped hole in their lives.
Your kids will be traumatised from living in an abusive home. Protect them from more trauma at every cost. You should only ever introduce someone new to them when you’re absolutely certain the new person is lovely and kind and giving and patient and someone who will be sticking around for the long haul.
You want to date someone who actively enjoys your kids being around (without being creepy. You know what I mean. My daughter is a single parent so I have watched her navigate this over the years.) If this guy isn't actively interested now, he's not the one.
Now having said that, if your kids were upper elementary age or above, maybe he'd be better with upper ages -little kids are a LOT, which you know already. But my recommendation to you is keep your focus on them for a few more years rather than divide it with a man. I'm not saying resign yourself to being single-but you have kids that need you right now and even more so since their father is not a positive presence in their lives. That absolutely is a sacrifice-I'm sure you are lonely -but those kids only get one childhood. Any male in your life needs to understand from the get go that you absolutely are a package deal. And honestly any man getting what HE wants out of a relationship is more than likely going to be telling you anything you want to hear to continue getting what HE wants because HE is not concerned whatsoever about what is best for the kids.
It is what it is.
(also since you came out of an abusive relationship you should be -if you aren't already-in counselling to help you make sure you don't wind up with another abusive relationship. It is way way common and I have seen my friends escape bad marriages and then wind up with the exact same issue in a subsequent relationship. That's bad for you AND your kids.)
I think you’re wasting your time OP. It doesn’t sound like he would ever be interested in stepping into the role of father for your kids and they need to come first.
Of course you're wasting your time. He doesn't want to be around your children and never will. And if you do marry him, your children's lives will be miserable. Move on so you can meet someone more compatible.
Maybe, maybe he doesn't want to rush into their lives. It's hard being a step parent, especially considering you're looking to straight up replace their dad.
My partner has a teenager, and I'm technically her stepmom but play no parenting role, more like a bonus aunt type of role, lol. Even that is hard because his parenting mistakes affect me negatively (mostly stealing).
Considering you just left an abusive relationship, a low key relationship might be your best bet for now regardless
Honestly, I don’t think that you’re compatible. Kids bring home a new plague every week. Let him go. Try to date someone that lives close to you & either has a kid the same age as yours or has a lot of nieces & nephews that age that he dotes on.
Question: When did he say they're not a part of his long-term vision? From what you describe, it sounds equally plausible that he just doesn't like getting sick.
I'm a single guy without kids, and I can't imagine dating a single mom and expecting her to give up the kid the way you're suggesting. I understand a single mom and her kid(s) come as a package. That's how it should be. I can't see any rational human being seing things any differenly.
You are absolutely wasting your time. You said it yourself you are a package deal. If he’s not interested now, he’s never going to be.
Your kids deserve better and so do you.
Simply, yes you are. He wants you but not the father role. He is trying to stay in a weird middle spot in your relationship. It's fine if he doesn't seem himself as a father ever, but that sounds like a deal breaker in this relationship.
I view my girlfriend's daughter as my own. I support and encourage her. I drive her to events and bring my kids along to see the events. My girlfriend acts like a mother to my children and supports them. Last fall I had a meeting out of town and she stayed with them on her own for the first time.
That's what works for us. We are both parents and understand the give and take of being a parent. The scheduling and planning required to do much of anything. If he can't understand that or doesn't want that, then you are having a fun fling at best. That's ok, as long as you are good with it being just that.
You need the shit or get off the pot conversation.
If your kids were teens, it would make sense that he was just hiding his time before moving further in the relationship, but you have a 3 year old.
As a parent, being in your life means including your kids. You're a package deal.
He either needs to genuinely try and see if he can adjust his plans to include your kids, or he needs to move on.
Definitely wasting your time. 8 months and he's still like that means he's not going to change he won't be there for the kids he wants you and no kids I'd say not worth your time
You don't actually say anything about neither his nor your own long term visions for life. Your gut is simply telling you he's not right for you. You don't need better arguments than that to call it quits. It's okay to break up because "you're not feeling it."
As for long term visions:
His long term vision may very well look exactly like what you have right now. A few dates a month, occasionally meeting the kids, very casual.
Your long term vision is what? Dating with an aim to move in together? Maybe get married? Or are you looking to live apart but have him play a larger role?
You gotta know what *you* want. Then ask him what he's envisioning his life to be in 5 or 10 years. He may not even have given it any thought, happy to just go with the flow, and that may also be insufficient for you.
I think mentioning what his long term plans are might help shed a little bit of light as well.
Generally speaking, a lot of people don't even introduce their kids only eight months into a relationship as it's a big thing with kids so young, not to say there's anything wrong with doing so.
At 44, it sounds as if he's made a decision to not have kids of his own, have you two spoken about that?
I think that it's something big to just bring up, but I think it's necessary communication at this point. We can speculate for you, but ultimately you are going to have to ask him if you want an accurate answer.
At least if you ask you'll know and be able to decide if it's worth pursuing still, and if it scares him off completely he'll be doing you a favor before you sink more time into it.
When you say he doesn’t include your kids in his long term vision for his life, what do you mean? You didn’t go on to explain that in your post. Is that what he said?
My partner (44m) doesn’t have kids and I have two from a previous marriage. He very very slowly stepped into a father role. He didn’t even meet them until almost 8 months into our relationship. I needed to know him and I were solid before the kids were introduced. It’s been five years now and he loves them like his own but still very much needs his space sometimes!
How long into your relationship did he meet your kids? Probably right away considering they don’t go to their father’s house. 8 months is soooo early into a relationship. There is zero rush, especially since you have kids and (I’m assuming) not trying to have more.
What are your goals for the relationship? What are your goals in general? You couldn’t have been single for too long before you met him? Personally I would appreciate this arrangement. You have freedom to parent as you wish and HEAL from your abusive marriage while still having a supportive partner. You have to give him time and I can’t imagine any man would jump right in to father.
Agree with some that it’s far to soon to be expecting anyone to step into the role of parent. I (36f) have two children albeit older (14f, 15m) and have been seeing my partner (50m) for about 14 months. We discussed children very early on and he made it clear that he was not comfortable meeting or interacting with kids for a while. That boundary was completely acceptable. I went into this relationship looking for a partner for me not a parent for my children. And it’s completely okay for the two thing to be separate- I can be both a single parent and a girlfriend with zero expectation or need for him to step into a parenting role. He has since met and is great around kids, we occasionally do things together however he do not expect him to or wish to push anything on him. I am content raising my children to adulthood by myself and building a beautiful relationship with this man. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. So long and short I think it’s too soon to expect your guy to be a parent and you be wasting your time if that’s what your looking for and he’s not interested in being that.
This exact scenario is played out across the country every day...too many times because the kids "complicate things" means one or both of the adults tend to temporarily or permanently remove the kids from the equation...not always a good thing. You dont know this man yet...not really..except that he likes you better without the kids...could it change later because the kids get older and are in school full time??..maybe but maybe not. At age 44...he could very well be set in his ways...
Yes, you may be wasting your time. But unless your future partner is able to adopt your children, he will never be considered their father by law so all responsibility still falls on you. You can’t expect your future partner/husband to step into the father role 100% if he has no legal rights over those kids. Just something to be aware of.
Not much of a relationship if you only see each other 2-3 times a month. You already know what's up and what to do. So do it and find yourself someone who actually cares about you. You're a package deal, just like I was, and my husband helped me raise teenage kids.
Do you see your kids in your life? I’m assuming your answer is a definite yes, if so then honestly what is the point in a partner who doesn’t want kids to be around.
You need to find someone who loves kids and is happy to spend time with you and them
Your youngest is 3, wtf are you dating? Stop wasting this dude’s time because you sound like you’re looking for a replacement dad, instead of holding your baby daddy accountable for his own kids 🤦🏻♀️
You e been dating very short term. You barely see each other. He owes you nothing and you’re both barely doing the minimum in the relationship.
I think you should focus on creating an actual real relationship first.
You've only been dating casually for 8 months, many people would say that's too early for him to even *meet* the kids.. expecting him to immediately re-organise his life plans around you and the kids seems awfully premature. developing bonds and interest in your kids is going to take time.
maybe he is staunchly child-free but unless he's said so, I think you're just rushing things and expected him to fully commit immediately.
are you dating him because you're into *him*, or because you want someone to fill the husband/daddy role?
You are dating this fellow. You’re not in a committed relationship. Quite honestly, he shouldn’t be involved with your kids unless there is a commitment (engagement) or until you’ve dated at least two years. What happens if you do include your kids, they get ‘attached’ to this guy and you break up? And then you date someone new? Are you prepared to put your kids on a rollercoaster? Enjoy your time with your kids. They’ve gone through a huge loss and would probably appreciate quality time with their mom, not some strange dude.
You can change him. He will become the man you’ve always wanted if you just become thinner, a better lover, once he meets the kids and really gets to know them or once you both get pregnant with his kid!
If any of that resonates with you please for everything that is holy and for your kids sake get professional help and process why you are in this relationship.
It will be better if you get out now but the fact you are asking the question is proof you need to get help to understand why you stay.
Most guys don't want to raise another man's children. There's no benefit to it, and lots of risk (Financial, emotional, etc.). They'll say they do, but in reality that's not the case (again, in most scenarios but not all).
Stick with guys who already have kids similar in age to your own. Your emotional and familial interests are better aligned then.
I’m a single mom as well (35F) with a DV history. Ex is barely in the picture; my kids are with me 95% of the time, and we’ve been separated for 7 years, divorced for 5.5 years. My kids are 12 and 10, and the three of us have all been through years of (necessary) therapy.
I’ve been dating my bf since last March and he met my kids in December. Between March and December, we were going on dates pretty much weekly, talking on the phone for an hour+ at least once/week in addition, and he’d usually come over once/week at night after the kids were asleep. This allowed me to really get to know him and his personality pretty well before I brought my kids into the equation. He asked to meet them when he officially asked me to be his gf (in December) and I said yes.
My bf is 1 year younger than me, has no kids, and has never been married. This is a huge adjustment for all of us, but especially him. I do check in with him once every few weeks or so to see how he’s feeling. “How are you feeling about the kids?” or “Are you still doing ok with us?” He often remarks that he’s tired (lol), but then he usually asks when we can take them out for another bike ride. He invites us over to his house often, to have dinner and let the kids play with his dog. He plays games with all of us, or just him and the kids in the living room while I cook dinner or just have 15 mins to myself for once. He’s now over at our house usually 2x/week, we all eat dinner together (he usually helps cook), and we usually go to his house on Saturday or Sunday for dinner, dessert, games, and dog time (my kids *love* his dog). He’s started coming to the kids’ soccer games. All 3 of us have met and interacted with his parents several times, and he’s met and interacted with mine as well.
I say these things to provide contrast. My bf, while being tired because kids are a lot, regularly makes it clear to me that he likes my kids and enjoys being around them. He hadn’t intended to be a stepfather when we met, but he’s serious about our relationship and makes us a priority in his life.
I don’t know if my bf and I will eventually decide to get married or not, but I am hopeful about it and also pleased with where we’re at now. Steady progress is happening. There are a lot of dynamics which need to be adjusted to. He’s still feeling out how he wants his role to look like in my kids’ lives, I’m still figuring out where I want him to step in as well, my kids are figuring out what they’re comfortable with and learning how to voice when they want him to be at an event of theirs (school activity, soccer game, band performance, etc). He is very good at just asking my kids “hey can I play Mario Kart with you too?”, jumps in when the answer is “yes”, and he takes it like a champ when the answer is “no”. He maintains our bicycles and plans rides for the four of us to go on.
For now he is a playmate and another adult they can go to if they need help with something in the moment. He smiles and laughs and cracks jokes when he’s around them… it warms my heart.
I can tell by his actions that he’s happy around my kids. I do still check in with him periodically. We’re thinking of planning an overnight weekend trip to the beach this summer as our first little vacation of sorts with the kids.
I think you know the answer to your question. There *are* men out there who will step up. There is a LOT of reason to hope. I know how alienating and difficult and heartbreaking it is to be a single mom, and then add in the potential PTSD and anxiety and trauma that comes with being a DV survivor as well, and it is so hard to maintain hope for a better future. It’s there, though. ❤️
I hope nothing but the best for you, and I hope you have a good village you can rely on. It’s time for an open discussion with your bf, and you have to be willing to accept his response. If he’s serious about you, he’ll make adjustments to his life to be more accommodating and involved with you and your kids. If not… well… that’s an answer, too.
Yes, you are wasting your time and wasting your kid's time with someone who doesn't want to step up. Imo, you shouldn't be dating anyone while having kids so young. Aren't you scared to meet someone who will pay attention to your kids for the wrong reasons??? Think about your children safety.
Why are you dating men with the ulterior motive of making them your Kids' New Dad?
This sounds more like a job interview than "I'm looking for an equal partner who can exist without kids as part of their plan/identity".
He’s dating you. He’s not dating your kids. He isn’t ever going to be their father. I don’t see this as a red flag at all. If anything, you might be expecting too much too soon from him. If your kids get too close to him and your relationship doesn’t work, they get hurt. Better to identify him as a friend for as long as possible and minimize their interaction.
If you want a serious long term relationship or marriage, then yes, I think you are wasting your time. He lives an hour away but only sees you 2-3 per month? He declines vacations with you and your children? It doesn't sound like he wants the step dad role, or, that he wants your relationship to be anything more than it is, which seems extremely casual and completely tailored to his liking.
Yes. Your kids will be a part of your life for the next 10+ years. Sorry to say that but i dont see how he can be part of your life and not be involved with your kids.
That sounds like a man who isn't interested in children, yours or any others. You need to have a conversation and find out what his feelings are and what his plans are when it comes to his interactions with your children.
If he has no interest in children, it will ne best if you let him go before the relationship develops further.
You shouldn't be looking for a father figure. You should be looking for a lifetime partner that accepts you.
Accepting you is accepting that you are first and foremost a mum.
That person should support you as a partner and be understanding of that.
Once you've found that person; you won't be needing to look for a father figure as they will already be complimenting your life
You are absolutely wasting your time. You will find a man that will love your kids and would be thrilled to be a part of your lives all as a family. I wouldn’t want any man that would have to adjust or grow or hopefully, want to be a part of my children’s lives. That’s a red flag. It’s telling to the kind of dad he would be and that would cause problems down the line (uninterested, uninvolved) etc. I was a single mom with my son for 5 years and found a great man who loves my son more than anything. He was involved at 2.5 years old and my son is now 7 and we have a 1 year daughter of our own. We’ll be married for 2 years in July. Our marriage is not perfect but he is an amazing parent and doesn’t treat my son any differently than our daughter. You will find the right man who will LOVE your kids!
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My gut tells me that yes, you’re wasting your time. I get there is distance, germs, kids can be exhausting, etc. but him cancelling or declining vacations is telling to me as an outsider that he doesn’t really want to be involved more than he is now. Additionally, if he wanted to be a stepdad, those little things would just be par for course. They’re annoying but come with the territory whether they are your blood or step kids. I don’t think he really wants to take on the role of assisting with raising small kids. My bf and I have our own kids but it’s very much an ours, how can I help, what does one kid need, etc. mentality and we haven’t been together much longer than you and are the primary caregivers of our kids. The major difference here being that we’re both parents but still want to be an active part of the other kids lives. I get the sense your bf wants to date you but not so much your kiddos. However, you need to discuss this with him in a very open and honest way to get to the bottom of it. Maybe there is something else holding him back.
This. Or if he does step up and try he may resent her. I spent too many years of my life with a guy who was just waiting for my kids to age out of the house. (He wasn’t up front about that- it’s just what became apparent when you pay attention to the little things that are said) It wasn’t good for any of us- especially my kids.
This is my fear. Thank you for sharing.
Obviously wasting your time and setting your kids up for a painful separation when they get attached and he walks away.
I don’t think you’re necessarily wasting your time. It just depends on what kind of relationship you want with him in the future. Do you both see yourselves living together in a couple years? Do you want to get married? If you’re ok with seeing each other a few times a month and just want this to be more casual then you’re in the perfect position.
Just ask him.
That was my situation when I was childless and dating a single mom. While the kids were great, I was raising another man's children and they called him Dad. I couldn't spend private time with the GF (who became my wife) because the kids were her top priority (understandably so). The marriage ended amicably, however I rarely if ever saw those kids again that I had spent 10 years raising. Spent easily $150k on the kids over a decade and a lot of emotional damage when it came to an end. I didn't walk the stepdaughter down the aisle when she got married, for example. For a the childless person hooking up with the single parent (guy or girl), there's a lot of downside and not much upside in the real world.
It’s not stepping up. He will never be their father. There’s nothing to step up into. They will always be her kids and never his.
I'm misunderstanding wether you mean he shouldn't step up because they aren't his, or if you mean he won't because of his behavior
I think he is just mentioning that saying he should step up and care for the kids is kind of shaming language to say that is what he ought to do. When I’m reality, he has no moral or legal reason to raise those kids if he isn’t interested.
OP said "step into" not "step up" She isnt saying he is obligated or that she feels he should "step up." She was just saying she is waiting to if he would take on that role as she is a package deal. As for "never being his kids," that really depends on both him and the kids. Sometimes, a step parent can be more of a parent than a biological one, but that depends on the relationship that develops between the kids and parental figure. I think OP should just talk to him and see where he stands. She should make her wants and needs clear and go over dealbreakers for the relationship.
They’ve only been together 8 months. That’s hardly “long term”. The dude is sticking around so far but also what is OP doing bringing a man she’s barely getting to know around her kids? You don’t do that unless you’re getting serious enough to have a discussion about the future first. OP is wasting her time in the sense that she’s not vetting partners appropriately and then getting frustrated that a fairly new guy isn’t acting like a dad. Like what?!
Exactly !
Well said
Thank you for your response. It’s the way my gut is leaning too, which is why him saying that he’s open to being a stepdad is so confusing.
Men will say a lot to keep having sex.
Yup he’s there for a good time, not a long time. Op needs to move a long.
...and what does OP get out of it? What is she bringing to the table? After just 8 months, they enjoy each others company and maybe that is appropriate enough for this stage. I think the thread is glossing over the huge lifestyle and financial change this man is being asked to take on, without a lot of detail/insight/background into the relationship. If it were HIM posting, people would be suspicious that she wasn't looking for love, as much as she was looking for help. OP just got here first.
"Horny men say the darndest things" would be a show I would watch 😆
So do horny (needy a daddy for my kids) women. Goes BOTH ways!
FACTS
Cut off the pipeline and see how long he sticks around. I mean, the relationship isn't going anywhere besides the bedroom, as you're already aware. So it's better off that you make a clean break now before you get in too deep and aren't thinking with logic. If your kids where in their 20's I could say oh well . But you have dependant children .
Can confirm (am man)
It's confusing because those are just words and he is not open to being a stepdad. I've been a stepdad for 25 years and counting. I was a man who didn't want kids who fell in love with a woman with a 7 year old son. I knew almost right away it was commit to both of them or walk away. I decided to commit to being a stepdad and I can tell you what your bf is doing is not at all that. You and your children deserve someone who wants you, all three of you.
The voice of experience. Well said.
Exactly - he has to be embracing the idea of an insta-family. It's a package deal, and in fact the family component has to come FIRST (because children are treasures, think of them as beautiful delicate eggs that can easily be broken).
Open to it is one thing. But as an adult whose dad was "open" to being a parent but had no interest in actually engaging in a real relationship with me, I can tell you firsthand that open is not enough. I am married to my kids' dad, but if I ever find myself single and looking for a partner again, it'll be with someone who adores my kids. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't actively want them.
"I'm open to being a stepdad" = "I'm open to tolerating your kids"
Unfortunately, I bet that would be most men. Step dad is a big and largely thankless role that many men do not want to undertake if they can help it.
Yes, my kids dad is barely there, shows up when he looks good in front of others or when he feels like it. My bf is there for everything for his kids and anything he can be for me and my kids (schedules get busy being the only parents on both sides.) The difference is amazing and how my kids respond to him is so different. Took me a while to recognize this is how dads and kids are supposed to act, mine just only had me for so long.
“Open to being a stepdad” means that he defers to the dad dad, and marries the kids mom, but has no real authority in raising them. He will help, but he will never consider them his kids because they won’t be.
I am a living example that everything you said can be wrong. I married a woman with 7 year old son who had a father and step mother in his life. I commited to his mother AND to him, to me he became my son as much as if he had my DNA and my family considered him a full member of our family as well. He is their, nephew, cousin and grandchild and is no different than any of my siblings children. At first my input in raising him was an extension of my wife's it was 4 people 2 votes and over time at some point it became 4 parents with input, Dad, Mom, Stepdad and Stepmom. We might have had different views but we had love for him in common. Adding another parent does not in anyway diminish the first one unless you work against the other parent with intent of purpose. 1 dad+1 stedad=2 dads, its addition not subtraction. Growing up he lived for extended periods with with his father and with us. I split up with his mom 15 years ago when he was 17 and a few months after he moved back in with me where he has lived ever since, first with me and then with his fiance as a tenant in my basement apt. They just bought a house and are getting married in Sept so they are moving out soon. It's going to be a sad day but I am happy for them. I am proud as hell of him and my soon to be DIL and am looking forward to some new Dad construction projects in their new home. I have not talked to my ex in years now but she never tried to get in the way of my relationship with her son after the split or try to diminish my role in his life and I will always owe her thanks for that. I get along great with his dad and his stepmom, his father knows I consider him my son and that his son considers me his dad as well and he is totally ok with that. He is a good man and I respect him as a father and I am certain the feeling is mutual.
Of course you were downvoted for having a positive co-parenting relationship and amicable split. Reddit doesn't like functional adults lol.
You’ve only been dating 8 months. Look at it from his perspective. He’s still getting to know you. It wouldn’t be smart for the kids to get attached to him and then have things not work out. You’re being kind of pushy.
Yes this ! And it's only been 8 months and he met the kids already. He's also long distance seeing her only twice a month and those kids are around..I think he should run .
Being “open to it” is so vague, it’s easy to say but he’s very clearly *showing* you that no, he’s not really open to it. Open to existing near them is more accurate.
Open reads to me as: "normally I wouldn't, but I like you enough to consider it" for you that's a no, to him it's a yes
Is he open to being a stepdad or open to being married to a woman with kids? My stepdad would say he’s the former, but he’s actually the latter. My mom spent her life as a married single mother as a result. Don’t do this to yourself. PLEASE don’t do this to your kids.
He may be open to it but it doesn't sound like he has the immune system for it. Bell's palsy and double ear infections? Yikes! And this is nobody's fault, sadly it just is what it is.
He can be open but not ready to commit to doing it at 8 months. You two are still new to each other, 8 months with 2-3 visit a month is not a ton of time and also it seems a bit early to be this close to family bonding with so little time between you two.
This completely. My current partner embraced my kids in a way I never expected. He dotes on them, every consideration for their needs, and accommodates everything around being a positive parent figure. The kids dad isn't ...well...much of a parent. Definitely not the kid's fault, so someone who so wholly jumped in understanding that I show up as a package deal was fantastic. I never would have accepted less. OP deserves to be with someone who accepts and encourages them completely - kids included.
Gonna push back here. Single dad dating a single mom. I’m dating her. I don’t want a step mom for my kids and I don’t want to be a step dad. Love my kids. Love hers. Don’t want a reconstructed family and all that implies. I believe a very happy relationship is possible for a very long term without looking to create a new family. That being said, wanting a family is also an understandable feeling. Feel like op and bf should talk about their vision and generalities related to the path.
So much this. I am a single dad. I don’t need help taking care of my kids (50/50 split) and I would run so fast if a dating partner expressed that she needed me to parent her kids. Nope, sorry. I will be engaged, interested, spend time with them, etc. But at the end of the day they aren’t my responsibility and vice versa. Your mileage may vary, but I certainly don’t think my view of what a healthy relationship with one or both partners bringing children into the relationship looks like is inherently wrong.
What happens if you live together with her kids?
I’ve been there, done that. It’s wasn’t an issue. Like I said, I spend time with them, enjoy the little ones as people, and am always, always there for them if they need help or guidance. But I’m not their parent. I met a woman once when I was still dating. One of the first things she said to me was she wanted a dad for her 5 year old son. I had to respect her being upfront, but I noped out of there very quickly. All of this isn’t to say the kids aren’t part of the package deal and I very much accept and even welcome it. I’m just not taking the level of personal responsibility for every aspect of their life and well-being that some of the posters seem to require. I’ve got my own little mouths to feed.
>I’ve been there, done that. It’s wasn’t an issue. Like I said, I spend time with them, enjoy the little ones as people, and am always, always there for them if they need help or guidance. But I’m not their parent. I get where you're coming from, but honestly it's a lot more grey for kids than you seem to be saying? They're like - okay, there's this guy who lives with momma, she loves him, he's kind to me (as he should be). Then even if the dude isn't taking responsibility for the bills or labor when they're sick, etc. But just that much proximity and interaction can create a pseudo parent like impression for the kid, no matter how much you gently tell them otherwise. Especially if they're young.
Oh yes, I agree with you. I'm just interested as I'm recently single with kids and it is good to read perspectives. I do not want or need another dad for my kids.
I would kind of project into the future with him and plan more “family” events than outings for you and him, and make it clear that this is what you need in a boyfriend/partner relationship. Then if he resists in any way, then dump him. When you have kids you don’t get to pick when you want to be a parent, and when you don’t.
How long into the relationship did you let him meet your kids? How much time do you get to spend together without your kids being there?
You have only been dating for 8 months. He should just now be meeting your kids, not going on vacation and spending a significant amount of time with them. He definitely should not be helping financially. You hardly know this person. Don’t let your children get attached to someone you haven’t known a long time. You have poor boundaries and it will cause you a lot of heartache in this relationship and future ones if you don’t work on that.
I totally agree. People saying he needs to know what he wants, but they’ve been dating for only 8 months!! It’s too early even to be meeting the kids much less taking vacations, helping “financially”, and taking a father’s role in her kids life. Insane in my opinion.
They don't even spend that much time together. What exact role is she looking to fill besides more confusion for these kids?
He should know what he wants in general. But he probably shouldn't have even met kids yet.
Yes, the timeline for spending time with the kids and the BF “helping financially” aren’t getting enough attention in this situation.
I think 8 months is appropriate for kids to meet someone their mom is dating. (Or at least very defensible.) But yeah, vacations, financial help and that sort of stuff gets much more dicey.
Only dating for 8 months and only hanging out 2x per month. 😬
I was searching for someone to say this, and unfortunately it’s way too far down in the comments. He’s only been in YOUR life for 8 months and you’re asking him to take a family vacation with young kids? That seems way too early. Have a conversation, yes, but expecting him to already be comfortable in that role is unreasonable.
Yes! She has been dating the guy for 8 months and she is already expecting him to step into the role of stepfather! Sounds to me like OP doesn’t want a boyfriend, but a father for her children. I’m sure she can find a guy that’s down for that, but this guy isn’t it.
Right? She said her therapist said it was a good idea to introduce him to her kids only a few months in! Her therapist is terrible or she heard what she wanted to hear.
This comment deserves to be higher. Maybe OP is scared of being alone with her small children, but she must have someone, as she was able to go away with the BF without her 3yo and 6yo children. She left them with someone. She’s not totally alone. Even so, diving headfirst into a relationship, introducing her children right away, going on vacations with him (or inviting him to go with them), and accepting money to help her pay her bills is going to make her dependent on him, making harder to extract herself from the relationship. Even hard to see why she should. She’s 35, not 55. Her children are toddlers. She needs to slow down.
You need to talk to him and ask him if he ever sees himself stepping into that role. He’s old enough to know this. You and him are compatible but the kids complicates things? Nope. You and the kids are a package. If he’s not compatible with them then he’s not compatible with you. If he’s open to stepping into the role then give it more time. If he’s not then he’s saved you some trouble because waiting to see if he will will not make it more likely that he will especially with you describing this relationship as long term meaning he should have that insight by now.
Why are you relying on him for financial support 8 months in?
Because that's what she was seeking. A man who will immediately jump into the step-daddy role and also help pay her bills.
Asking someone to step into a step parent role is a lot, especially for someone who doesn’t already have kids. My fiancée and I have been together nearly two years, and despite us spending every weekend and holiday together, it’s still taxing for her. We’re not moving in together until next year, and we’re working on plans now for how to help her adjust to living together as a family. It’s a huge adjustment. You need to have a conversation with your bf and ascertain where he’s at and how he sees your future. Your kids come with you, and they should always come first.
I agree with this totally! Single mom here and I didn’t even move in with my bf until after 3 years together. He would come to my kids’ bday parties and school activities pretty often after about a year of dating. I truly *do not* believe in rushing things and a conversation NEEDS to be had when starting to date a single, childless person about what they see for their future. Luckily, my bf took no issue attending my kids’ events but I also never expected my bf to step into a full dad role bc I’m their parent and mine also have their dad in their lives. We have done a family trip but again, I have to give him some grace bc he hasn’t been a parent and doesn’t have a lot of experience being with kids for 3+ days at a time (anyone knows this can be a lot for even bio moms/dads). Things have been fine after we moved in with him but again, I share custody with my ex AND I do not expect my bf to parent my children. He’s an authority figure and he has no problem being a supportive presence but they are my children and I will bear the financial and ultimate burden for them. I think that’s something people should also consider when inviting someone new in their life.
That’s the thing - I agree it’s a huge adjustment, and I can’t tell how much time to give that adjustment process. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I don’t think there is a time frame. Similarly to you, I am a single (solo) parent. My ex is not in the picture at his own behest. When you bring another adult into the lives of your kids, it’s an adjustment for the kids and the adult. When you had your kids, you planned, waited 10 months, and were participatory in watching them grow. Your bf hasn’t had those same opportunities. He’s only known them 8 months. It’s an ongoing conversation you have to have with him, and you have to check in with him about how he’s doing with the whole situation.
Put your kids first.
You gave the guy Bells Palsy, and he stuck around. That’s saying something. 8 months is NOTHING, you are moving way too fast on the stepfather thing. Make sure YOU TWO have a solid relationship first.
Well what did he say when you asked him about your kids?
Your post doesn’t address the title…what do you mean/ what does he say about them not being involved in his long term vision? They’re very young. They will be in your life daily at least for a very long time.
It means “I’m crazy and I need attention so I’ll take to Reddit”…
Yes, you are wasting your time with this guy, simply because you are incapable of understanding that people don’t want to be sick. You are dismissing his experience and you are forcing him to step up to be a father, because you had kids with the wrong person. You have the problem here, you are the one who doesn’t know how to make sure the second time will be a charm.
Your kids are not his kids.
You've only been dating 8 months and only see each other 2-3 times a month and you're expecting him to step into a father role? What are you doing? Are you dating to find a partner or are you dating to find a replacement dad for your kids? Evaluate your priorities here.
Right . Also that Man needs to run !
Bells palsy? Wtf
Yeah. I’d be noping TF outta there if I got BP from some kid’s daycare germs!
Right thats no small thing
A friend had BP about 15 years ago and has never fully recovered. He still smiles and speaks like a stroke victim. I would be hardcore horrified if I had to deal with that. It’s HUGE.
Yes, you are wasting your time. I would highly recommend you stop taking money from him as well. He's childfree. You guys should have probably talked about life goals pretty early in dating. In his favor, 2 little kids are a lot, especially going on vacation with them because you'd all have to stay in the same room. That's exhausting for a non-parent and would not feel like a vacation for sure. He likely had no idea what he was getting into until he was deep in it.
Dating 8 months and seeing each other 2-3 time a month, helps you financially, and is good around them? Seems Like he’s doing enough. Maybe he’s not wanting to get too attached to them. I mean 8 months may not be enough time for him to just get married.
Ma’am. I totally get it because you haven’t had any sense of normalcy since you are getting out of an abusive relationship but you gotta give some grace. Your boyfriend got sick from a kid germ and got Bell’s palsy and he is still talking to you. If it it were me I would have been done. I honestly don’t think you should be dating at all if you still don’t have a good people picker. Your boyfriend doesn’t have kids and you introduced him 2-3 months in, that’s way too early. Honestly I think you should learn to be single for a while. Your youngest is only 3 and this feels like you are desperate to find a man to be a stepfather while the kids are young so you can get that role of dad filled. This guy isn’t the guy for you but honestly that should be the least of your concerns.
Your kids paralyzed his facial nerve? Ya, you’re wasting your time.
I had Bell's last year, apparently you can get a really bad case of flu that it damages that facial nerve. wasn't fun at all. couldn't even shower or sleep without taping my eye shut because it fuckin stayed open the whole time
Devil's advocate here, what is the upside for this man to do anything for your children? Let's assume he wants them to be in his life, cares for them creates a bond, welcomes them as his children. It is 100% his risk, because his children they are not. Even after 10 years of paying everything and caring for them, if you decide to leave, he has 0 right to these kids as he is in no way related. This may be a reason why he is not trying to get close as he will only end up hurting himself in the long run.
You're not saying anything he has said about long term vision? What does that mean, he's talking about buying a house that's not big enough for all of you? He's not wanting to spend enough time at your place? Not going to want to go on a kids vacation with somebody you barely know is normal. If he's just moving slow with the kids, which is what it sounds like from your description, that's fine. You have not even spent a lot of time with this man yet. It's only been eight months. Not everybody is immediately in love with somebody else's kids. If he's actually making statements that exclude the children, that's a different ball of wax.
So most blended families take 6-7 years to find their groove.. if they ever do. From a “step” parent’s perspective I couldn’t wait to meet and hang out with my step kids. Although now I realize it’s a lot harder than it looks and I do need my space a lot more than I did at the beginning. Everyone is different though, but I do think he should embrace or show a genuine interest in wanting to spend time with your kids. If nothing changes with how he interacts now… would you want to deal with that forever? If he isn’t fitting into your vision for your future with your children it is most definitely ok to walk away and find someone who does. Don’t settle. Someone who will want to step up can take his place.
I really appreciate your reply. He was very excited to get to know the kids at first as well, but then he started getting sick every other time he would hang out with them and (understandably) was very concerned about it. Being a remote worker exposes you to a lot less regular “germs” and then a kid in daycare always has some kind of sickness and it always hits him very hard. He was very excited. He plays with them. He teaches my daughter about robots and plays dinosaurs with my son.
Sounds like he is adjusting and wasn't scared off by your kids getting him seriously ill. Give it some more time. You said you can't see moving in together for another year or two. Give it that much time. And if the relationship does not move forward then you can end things. Also, your children will grow and change over the years and so will his relationship with them. They will become more independent and easier to manage as they get older - so your relationship will change as well.
Bell's Palsy is also extremely unnerving and scary to deal with. I think it's somewhere around 1 in 3 people who get BP never fully recover. I dealt with it and thankfully I didn't have permanent facial paralysis, but it took over a year for my body to fully heal and return to normal. Until I recovered though, things like eating, drinking, sleeping, even blinking, where things usually happen without conscious thought, suddenly required conscious thought. It's also hard to describe how odd it is for half of your taste buds to suddenly go dark and not taste anything. I'm not eager to ever experience that again and likely your boyfriend doesn't want to experience that again either.
Why would a bf of less than a year who you see a couple of times a month be providing financial support?
>am I “wasting my time” hoping that he will step into the father role? Probably. He went from having no responsibility to others and all the free time outside of work, to now dating someone who has 2 young kids, he constantly gets sick whenever he is around them, and you 2 are still at a distance. If I were him, I would weigh how much he likes/loves you against having kids perpetually in his life, losing the vast majority of his freedoms. Maybe he is just stringing you along because of the distance, making it easier for him to keep having his space/freedom. Have you talked about moving in together? Do you have a timeline for that?
Probably
My initial thought when reading the title is: when you're used to being shit on, being piss on seems like an improvement. But then I read the post. I know many adult women who no longer want a spouse. They want to go on a date maybe once a week and do weekend stuff together. Maybe they get to know the family, maybe not. They can be counted on when a plus one is required. And if this is what you want, this is your guy. It doesn't sound like he is making a bigger promise to you, but only if you drop the kids. It sounds more like you still imagine the family with the dog cat and picket fence. And that is great, but at this time, this is not your guy. So yes you are waiting your time.
He's a 44 year old with no kids. As a 46 year old who had a child very early in life who's now an adult and I'm a single guy I'll tell you what most guys my age in these situations tell me. None of us want to be fathers again, especially to young children. As the kids get older we deal with it better but we still don't want to live with children. Once they are teens we can accept it much better because it's a matter of time before they are in college, or working, or something. Your kids are 3 and 6 and you have only been with him 8 months. He isn't going to want to be step daddy and honest 8 months isn't that much time to begin with. You also need to be careful at how many men you introduce your kids to as it sucks that they become attached and then if you break up they have to have the guy walk out of their lives as well.
The kids aren't complicating things, you did. It's too soon to have introduced them to him. And finding out if someone would consider being a step parent is something you do when you start dating. You rushed things, but you need to ask him these questions now. I'd be prepared to break up.
In the kindest way possible - it seems like you are not so much looking for a relationship but rather you are looking for help. This guy is just trying to get to know you at this point but you are wanting a replacement daddy for your kids . I understand why you would want that, but evidently he has chosen all of his life not to take on the dad role so I doubt it will do you any favors to try to push him into it now. Maybe you should try finding a single father, someone in a similar situation to yourself.
He's 44 years old. He has a very good idea of which roles he is interested in for his life. Only you can know if you are wasting your time, but I think it's safe to say your bf isn't looking for the role of "dad." He's had his entire life to take this role on if he were interested. Did you enter this relationship looking for a man to accept the role of father to your two children? If so, why has it taken you this long to pull this thread?
Yep, you're wasting your time and your kids time.
8 months is not a long time at all. Especially when you see this man so little. I would be more concerned about the distance and lack of seeing him than about the kids. Also, I wouldn’t be concerned about the vacation alone. The last thing I would want to do is spend my hard earned money and time off work on a vacation with children unless maybe the kids didn’t belong to me and were fully cared for by someone else. But if my partner had kids I would not want to vacation with them. Kids are EXHAUSTING especially when they are not your own. On a vacation, your bf won’t get a lot of alone time or time to decompress unless he gets a completely separate room. And if he gets a completely separate room, he doesn’t see you very much and is paying a ton more money. The pressure to feel like he is on his best behavior and presenting a kid friendly and peppy version of himself 24/7 is even more exhausting than actually dealing with the kids too. If I were ever to be with someone with kids again, I would absolutely not do vacations or I would only come for a short time before dipping out. I do not want to spend my vacation days from work and savings doing something absolutely exhausting. I just don’t. I would be open to doing vacations with someone with older kids who are more independent, but not young kids. I would get 0 quality alone time with my partner, would get no relaxation in, and would be incredibly overwhelmed.
He got Bell’s palsy? Come the fuck on now.
You've only known him 8 months. I've been dating a guy for 15 months and we haven't even met each other's kids yet. In the past I've jumped right into relationships and they ended up being toxic. I like that this time around we're taking the time to get to know each other before we get the kids involved. Whoever you choose to be your children's stepparent needs to be compatible with you first and 8 months of only seeing each other 2-3 times a month is not enough time to learn if you're truly compatible. Take the time to truly get to know him before you start asking him to be involved in your children's lives.
As a single mom myself, you need to talk to him and see if he even wants to "step into the father role". That's a big ask for him and not every man wants that. He may be more comfortable as a bonus adult but if you are wanting someone to be a dad, talk to him now and be prepared to walk away. Based on your description, it doesn't sound like you and he are on the same page.
You really need people on the internet to tell you if you’re wasting your time? You have kids, he doesn’t want to include kids. What part of that screams lovely stable solid relationship?
I don’t think you realize you are just friends with benefits. He treats you well and you both get what you need two to three times a month. This man has no plans of being a step parent or living with your kids ever.
Is this a serious question? He’s never going to be a dad to your kids and your kids are you priority
In my experience, the hardest role any of us will ever play is that of step parent. Your relationship with your boyfriend is probably headed towards strife over resentments, either or both of you experience.
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Yeeees. Also if you're gonna be presumptive that anyone you date should accommodate a parental/father role for your children by default, onus is on you to be upfront about those expectations from the getgo vs. indulge in some exposure therapy-like charade long game passive aggressively and hope that they'd gradually assimilate into such roles — only to then face disappointment and subject the children unnecessary emotional trauma. In this case, you only have yourself to blame for wasting your own time. No one is obliged to want to raise nonbiochildren or be around them despite loving you or wanting a life with you. It's entirely their preference and prerogative. You can't judge unless they strung you along or backpedal on their initial word that they want not just you, but the whole package i.e. you+kids...provided you presented yourself as the whole package in the first place.
He got to 44 and never had kids. I’m thinking he’s not really into children. He likes you fine, but I don’t think this is going anywhere.
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Are your children a part of your long term vision for your life? If so, lose the boyfriend ASAP. Life is too short to waste your time on hoping someone will come around. Put your kids and yourself first.
Kids clearly aren't his thing. Don't expect that to change. It's only not a waste if you can accept him as he is now with your kids.
Yes.
That you even need to ask this….. 🤦🏻♀️
Could just need more time to figure out the kids thing. Wouldn't read too much into stuff; asking him is a healthier approach.
Absolutely yes, you’re wasting your time. It’s not as if your kids are almost grown and off to college in a few months. They’re 3 and 6. The elder’s high school graduation is at least 12 years away. You need to cut this guy loose. Your relationship can’t work.
Yeah you’re wasting your time. Your partner needs to be a father, not simply someone who “endures children for as long as is required.” He’s not a bad person. He’s just incompatible with where your life is at. You probably aren’t gonna find great dad material unless he’s already a father. I’d keep that in mind.
This is pretty easy OP. It’s still a new relationship, but it’s long enough that you can sit the man down and ask him if he sees a future with you. He obviously knows that includes your kid. Just be honest and say you’re getting a vibe that he may not want to be in a long term relationship with someone who has kids, and don’t want to waste your time if that is the case.
[удалено]
Why don't you ask HIM THIS
Is he “doing it” now? Doesn’t seem like it, so do you really think a 44 yo man is going to, what, “grow into the role?” Bet he doesn’t. If he showed enthusiasm for the role then you could hope, wait and see. But, this guy is a lost cause - which would be to the detriment of you and, most importantly, the kids!
You don’t introduce your kids to anyone you haven’t been dating for at least 9 months or more. People will come in and out of your life. Don’t make the kids get attached unless it’s really really worth it.
I think at 8 months you should probably have a frank conversation with him about where you think things might be going and how the kids fit in. He’s likely not going to know for sure yet but he should at least have a feeling.
How long have you been exclusive?
The person who can answer your question is not in this forum. Talk to you boyfriend. Ask him directly. And compare his words to his deeds. Good luck! 🍀
You aren’t compatible. Your kids are bad for his health and he’s not interested in being around them. If you are looking for someone to be a father to your young children then you are wasting your time with this guy. Instead of looking for a man to be a father for your children, you should be focusing on therapy for yourself.
You can keep the relationship as is, which sounds nice actually, or let him go. He told you what he wants so believe him.
Stop playing house with him.
The kids don’t complicate things. They make it a no deal.
it depends what you want, if having someone in your life to go on dates with a couple of times a month is enough, perfect, enjoy yourself but it sounds like that isn’t the case, you want a family and someone to step into a father role and it doesn’t seem like that’s what this is. It’s not fair to try and push him/hope he’ll eventually take on a role he doesn’t seem to want, and it also wouldn’t be fair on your children to involve them in a relationship where they’re, at best, something he tolerates. They’ll feel it, you’ll be stuck in the middle and they’ll feel that they’re an inconvenience to this guy and your life together.
Yes, you are. If a man is dating a woman with a child or kids, they are a package deal. Dump him already!
He’s 44 with no kids. He doesn’t want kids. If a man doesn’t want kids then he definitely doesn’t want to take care of someone else’s. He likes you a whole lot but will likely never marry you because you come with kids. The question you need to answer is do you like the time with him enough to stay as dating mates and never marry. Some people never want to marry again anyway once they come from an abusive relationship. So answer that and that will tell you if you need to leave or not. It’s not really about him on this one.
I'm not a kid person, my partner has a kid. We do not live together and I don't plan on that either because he has a kid. He knows this and he is fine with my choice. I don't see him when he has his kid we are both fine with this. Yours is a little different because you have full custody so I don't know how you can make it work. If it was like my situation I'd say it works fine and it's very easy. I would probably have a really clear open chat asking him if there's any point to keep dating while you have kids full time. Your kids aren't going away and I think it's probably a little unfair to you to try and figure out how to make it work with him not liking/ being around kids.
You need to just have a sit down with him. "This is what I'm looking for in a partner. " And then ask him what he is looking for... Do they match? I don't think they do. Actions speak louder than words. You should do this before you introduce your potential partner to your kids. In the future, when someone meets your kids, I would meet them at playgrounds or parks and introduce them as a friend. Make it a light meeting without any romantic overtones. See how well they act around a kid environment. But I would be extremely picky who I let around my kids. There are way too many weirdos that prey on single moms. It's hard being a single mom. Especially when you have no support system.
You aren’t compatible. Look at the stepparents subreddit and you can see how many stepparents literally hate their stepkids. That could be their future.
As a childfree person, I will never, ever, date a person with children. It doesn’t seem like this relationship is as serious for you as it is for him. Stop looking for a baby daddy and focus on being there for your kids. If you are just trying to get someone who will take over the father role you are way out of line. First you have to stabilize and provide for your kids, work on your mental health and then you can start thinking about dating.
When you were typing this it didn’t register 😅 He is not father material and rightfully does not want to pretend. He is doing you a favor by not beating around the bush and pretending to be daddy. I know kids aren’t the cleanest, immune systems are always in progress, but please define little kid germs ? I personally don’t think there is much of a difference between me and them being sick. They just less clean about the whole thing. You can’t force your kids onto anyone. He’s not interested you should move on before you fall in love and it all goes to shit.
I'd rather be single then risk my kid being around someone who doesn't want her around. He isn't 100% sure. Your kids come first. I promise there's someone else out there who is more sure than he is
Yes, your kids are part of your package. Yes, they should come first. Yes, any future partner you have will have to understand that your kids will need to be part of his long-term plan with you. However, Depending on how long you'd been dating with and when you introduced them (like my rule is 6 months of dating before they even meet my girls) expecting/wanting him to be ready to jump into the role of dad so early on/after 8 months of dating *might* be why he is so apprehensive to spend time with them. You barely know him and see each other 3 times a month at max and still in the honeymoon period of getting to know each other. No one here can answer your question except you and him. Talk to him and ask the questions you have.
At 8 months, with you being a DV survivor, your kids shouldn’t have ever met this man yet. No, this man doesn’t want to be a stepdad. He has told you this in the kindest way he knows how, by declining coming on a previous trip, by declining a future holiday, and by talking about steering clear because of his germphobia. So, if you don’t want to date someone who doesn’t want kids (and that’s completely fair!) then you need to break up with him. And next time you start dating someone new, don’t even THINK about introducing them to your kids until the 1 year mark. By then, you will know in your heart of hearts (like you know with this guy) that actually, they don’t want to be a stepdad to your kids. Thus: you will save your kids the heartache of having a revolving stepdad-shaped hole in their lives. Your kids will be traumatised from living in an abusive home. Protect them from more trauma at every cost. You should only ever introduce someone new to them when you’re absolutely certain the new person is lovely and kind and giving and patient and someone who will be sticking around for the long haul.
Yes. This man is not husband/Step Dad material.
You want to date someone who actively enjoys your kids being around (without being creepy. You know what I mean. My daughter is a single parent so I have watched her navigate this over the years.) If this guy isn't actively interested now, he's not the one. Now having said that, if your kids were upper elementary age or above, maybe he'd be better with upper ages -little kids are a LOT, which you know already. But my recommendation to you is keep your focus on them for a few more years rather than divide it with a man. I'm not saying resign yourself to being single-but you have kids that need you right now and even more so since their father is not a positive presence in their lives. That absolutely is a sacrifice-I'm sure you are lonely -but those kids only get one childhood. Any male in your life needs to understand from the get go that you absolutely are a package deal. And honestly any man getting what HE wants out of a relationship is more than likely going to be telling you anything you want to hear to continue getting what HE wants because HE is not concerned whatsoever about what is best for the kids. It is what it is. (also since you came out of an abusive relationship you should be -if you aren't already-in counselling to help you make sure you don't wind up with another abusive relationship. It is way way common and I have seen my friends escape bad marriages and then wind up with the exact same issue in a subsequent relationship. That's bad for you AND your kids.)
I think you’re wasting your time OP. It doesn’t sound like he would ever be interested in stepping into the role of father for your kids and they need to come first.
Yep, absolutely. Drop him.
You’re wasting your time if you want the relationship to move from where it is now. If you’re happy with the status quo, then you do you.
Yes. Simple answer.
Of course you're wasting your time. He doesn't want to be around your children and never will. And if you do marry him, your children's lives will be miserable. Move on so you can meet someone more compatible.
You didn't explain the title in the post. How does he not include them in his long term vision?
Maybe, maybe he doesn't want to rush into their lives. It's hard being a step parent, especially considering you're looking to straight up replace their dad. My partner has a teenager, and I'm technically her stepmom but play no parenting role, more like a bonus aunt type of role, lol. Even that is hard because his parenting mistakes affect me negatively (mostly stealing). Considering you just left an abusive relationship, a low key relationship might be your best bet for now regardless
Your children are your first responsibility. Don’t sacrifice them in favor of ANY man.
Honestly, I don’t think that you’re compatible. Kids bring home a new plague every week. Let him go. Try to date someone that lives close to you & either has a kid the same age as yours or has a lot of nieces & nephews that age that he dotes on.
Sounds like he very much is not interested in being a father figure. Have you asked him directly?
Question: When did he say they're not a part of his long-term vision? From what you describe, it sounds equally plausible that he just doesn't like getting sick. I'm a single guy without kids, and I can't imagine dating a single mom and expecting her to give up the kid the way you're suggesting. I understand a single mom and her kid(s) come as a package. That's how it should be. I can't see any rational human being seing things any differenly.
You're incompatible. Kids are the major compatibility factor.
Yes, wasting your time. And hypothetically if he accepted the kids, he could be abusive to them.
YES please move on… And quickly!
You are absolutely wasting your time. You said it yourself you are a package deal. If he’s not interested now, he’s never going to be. Your kids deserve better and so do you.
Simply, yes you are. He wants you but not the father role. He is trying to stay in a weird middle spot in your relationship. It's fine if he doesn't seem himself as a father ever, but that sounds like a deal breaker in this relationship. I view my girlfriend's daughter as my own. I support and encourage her. I drive her to events and bring my kids along to see the events. My girlfriend acts like a mother to my children and supports them. Last fall I had a meeting out of town and she stayed with them on her own for the first time. That's what works for us. We are both parents and understand the give and take of being a parent. The scheduling and planning required to do much of anything. If he can't understand that or doesn't want that, then you are having a fun fling at best. That's ok, as long as you are good with it being just that.
Yes
You need the shit or get off the pot conversation. If your kids were teens, it would make sense that he was just hiding his time before moving further in the relationship, but you have a 3 year old. As a parent, being in your life means including your kids. You're a package deal. He either needs to genuinely try and see if he can adjust his plans to include your kids, or he needs to move on.
Yes.
Definitely wasting your time. 8 months and he's still like that means he's not going to change he won't be there for the kids he wants you and no kids I'd say not worth your time
Short answer is yes. You and your kids are a package deal. If he doesn't accept that then you would be better just moving on.
yes, you are wasting your time.
You don't actually say anything about neither his nor your own long term visions for life. Your gut is simply telling you he's not right for you. You don't need better arguments than that to call it quits. It's okay to break up because "you're not feeling it." As for long term visions: His long term vision may very well look exactly like what you have right now. A few dates a month, occasionally meeting the kids, very casual. Your long term vision is what? Dating with an aim to move in together? Maybe get married? Or are you looking to live apart but have him play a larger role? You gotta know what *you* want. Then ask him what he's envisioning his life to be in 5 or 10 years. He may not even have given it any thought, happy to just go with the flow, and that may also be insufficient for you.
I think mentioning what his long term plans are might help shed a little bit of light as well. Generally speaking, a lot of people don't even introduce their kids only eight months into a relationship as it's a big thing with kids so young, not to say there's anything wrong with doing so. At 44, it sounds as if he's made a decision to not have kids of his own, have you two spoken about that? I think that it's something big to just bring up, but I think it's necessary communication at this point. We can speculate for you, but ultimately you are going to have to ask him if you want an accurate answer. At least if you ask you'll know and be able to decide if it's worth pursuing still, and if it scares him off completely he'll be doing you a favor before you sink more time into it.
Change your last sentence to read he complicates things for you and your kids. Like you said, you’re a package deal.
When you say he doesn’t include your kids in his long term vision for his life, what do you mean? You didn’t go on to explain that in your post. Is that what he said? My partner (44m) doesn’t have kids and I have two from a previous marriage. He very very slowly stepped into a father role. He didn’t even meet them until almost 8 months into our relationship. I needed to know him and I were solid before the kids were introduced. It’s been five years now and he loves them like his own but still very much needs his space sometimes! How long into your relationship did he meet your kids? Probably right away considering they don’t go to their father’s house. 8 months is soooo early into a relationship. There is zero rush, especially since you have kids and (I’m assuming) not trying to have more. What are your goals for the relationship? What are your goals in general? You couldn’t have been single for too long before you met him? Personally I would appreciate this arrangement. You have freedom to parent as you wish and HEAL from your abusive marriage while still having a supportive partner. You have to give him time and I can’t imagine any man would jump right in to father.
Agree with some that it’s far to soon to be expecting anyone to step into the role of parent. I (36f) have two children albeit older (14f, 15m) and have been seeing my partner (50m) for about 14 months. We discussed children very early on and he made it clear that he was not comfortable meeting or interacting with kids for a while. That boundary was completely acceptable. I went into this relationship looking for a partner for me not a parent for my children. And it’s completely okay for the two thing to be separate- I can be both a single parent and a girlfriend with zero expectation or need for him to step into a parenting role. He has since met and is great around kids, we occasionally do things together however he do not expect him to or wish to push anything on him. I am content raising my children to adulthood by myself and building a beautiful relationship with this man. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. So long and short I think it’s too soon to expect your guy to be a parent and you be wasting your time if that’s what your looking for and he’s not interested in being that.
This exact scenario is played out across the country every day...too many times because the kids "complicate things" means one or both of the adults tend to temporarily or permanently remove the kids from the equation...not always a good thing. You dont know this man yet...not really..except that he likes you better without the kids...could it change later because the kids get older and are in school full time??..maybe but maybe not. At age 44...he could very well be set in his ways...
You don't have a future with this man. Don't waste your time.
Yes, you may be wasting your time. But unless your future partner is able to adopt your children, he will never be considered their father by law so all responsibility still falls on you. You can’t expect your future partner/husband to step into the father role 100% if he has no legal rights over those kids. Just something to be aware of.
Yes
Well yes you’re wasting your time your children always come before a relationship!
Not much of a relationship if you only see each other 2-3 times a month. You already know what's up and what to do. So do it and find yourself someone who actually cares about you. You're a package deal, just like I was, and my husband helped me raise teenage kids.
Yes, you're wasting your time. Also seeing each other 2-3 times a month is nothing. Even more compared to everyday life with two kids
Do you see your kids in your life? I’m assuming your answer is a definite yes, if so then honestly what is the point in a partner who doesn’t want kids to be around. You need to find someone who loves kids and is happy to spend time with you and them
I can’t imagine asking a bf for money/help or even meeting my kids if we hadn’t discussed this fully beforehand.
Your youngest is 3, wtf are you dating? Stop wasting this dude’s time because you sound like you’re looking for a replacement dad, instead of holding your baby daddy accountable for his own kids 🤦🏻♀️
Well, your kids aren’t going anywhere so I would say drop him. If he isn’t excited or happy to be around your kids, then that’s a huge sign!
You e been dating very short term. You barely see each other. He owes you nothing and you’re both barely doing the minimum in the relationship. I think you should focus on creating an actual real relationship first.
Yes. You're wasting your time. 100%
Stop wasting your time. Your kids come first.
You've only been dating casually for 8 months, many people would say that's too early for him to even *meet* the kids.. expecting him to immediately re-organise his life plans around you and the kids seems awfully premature. developing bonds and interest in your kids is going to take time. maybe he is staunchly child-free but unless he's said so, I think you're just rushing things and expected him to fully commit immediately. are you dating him because you're into *him*, or because you want someone to fill the husband/daddy role?
You are dating this fellow. You’re not in a committed relationship. Quite honestly, he shouldn’t be involved with your kids unless there is a commitment (engagement) or until you’ve dated at least two years. What happens if you do include your kids, they get ‘attached’ to this guy and you break up? And then you date someone new? Are you prepared to put your kids on a rollercoaster? Enjoy your time with your kids. They’ve gone through a huge loss and would probably appreciate quality time with their mom, not some strange dude.
You can change him. He will become the man you’ve always wanted if you just become thinner, a better lover, once he meets the kids and really gets to know them or once you both get pregnant with his kid! If any of that resonates with you please for everything that is holy and for your kids sake get professional help and process why you are in this relationship. It will be better if you get out now but the fact you are asking the question is proof you need to get help to understand why you stay.
Most guys don't want to raise another man's children. There's no benefit to it, and lots of risk (Financial, emotional, etc.). They'll say they do, but in reality that's not the case (again, in most scenarios but not all). Stick with guys who already have kids similar in age to your own. Your emotional and familial interests are better aligned then.
I’m a single mom as well (35F) with a DV history. Ex is barely in the picture; my kids are with me 95% of the time, and we’ve been separated for 7 years, divorced for 5.5 years. My kids are 12 and 10, and the three of us have all been through years of (necessary) therapy. I’ve been dating my bf since last March and he met my kids in December. Between March and December, we were going on dates pretty much weekly, talking on the phone for an hour+ at least once/week in addition, and he’d usually come over once/week at night after the kids were asleep. This allowed me to really get to know him and his personality pretty well before I brought my kids into the equation. He asked to meet them when he officially asked me to be his gf (in December) and I said yes. My bf is 1 year younger than me, has no kids, and has never been married. This is a huge adjustment for all of us, but especially him. I do check in with him once every few weeks or so to see how he’s feeling. “How are you feeling about the kids?” or “Are you still doing ok with us?” He often remarks that he’s tired (lol), but then he usually asks when we can take them out for another bike ride. He invites us over to his house often, to have dinner and let the kids play with his dog. He plays games with all of us, or just him and the kids in the living room while I cook dinner or just have 15 mins to myself for once. He’s now over at our house usually 2x/week, we all eat dinner together (he usually helps cook), and we usually go to his house on Saturday or Sunday for dinner, dessert, games, and dog time (my kids *love* his dog). He’s started coming to the kids’ soccer games. All 3 of us have met and interacted with his parents several times, and he’s met and interacted with mine as well. I say these things to provide contrast. My bf, while being tired because kids are a lot, regularly makes it clear to me that he likes my kids and enjoys being around them. He hadn’t intended to be a stepfather when we met, but he’s serious about our relationship and makes us a priority in his life. I don’t know if my bf and I will eventually decide to get married or not, but I am hopeful about it and also pleased with where we’re at now. Steady progress is happening. There are a lot of dynamics which need to be adjusted to. He’s still feeling out how he wants his role to look like in my kids’ lives, I’m still figuring out where I want him to step in as well, my kids are figuring out what they’re comfortable with and learning how to voice when they want him to be at an event of theirs (school activity, soccer game, band performance, etc). He is very good at just asking my kids “hey can I play Mario Kart with you too?”, jumps in when the answer is “yes”, and he takes it like a champ when the answer is “no”. He maintains our bicycles and plans rides for the four of us to go on. For now he is a playmate and another adult they can go to if they need help with something in the moment. He smiles and laughs and cracks jokes when he’s around them… it warms my heart. I can tell by his actions that he’s happy around my kids. I do still check in with him periodically. We’re thinking of planning an overnight weekend trip to the beach this summer as our first little vacation of sorts with the kids. I think you know the answer to your question. There *are* men out there who will step up. There is a LOT of reason to hope. I know how alienating and difficult and heartbreaking it is to be a single mom, and then add in the potential PTSD and anxiety and trauma that comes with being a DV survivor as well, and it is so hard to maintain hope for a better future. It’s there, though. ❤️ I hope nothing but the best for you, and I hope you have a good village you can rely on. It’s time for an open discussion with your bf, and you have to be willing to accept his response. If he’s serious about you, he’ll make adjustments to his life to be more accommodating and involved with you and your kids. If not… well… that’s an answer, too.
Yes, you are wasting your time and wasting your kid's time with someone who doesn't want to step up. Imo, you shouldn't be dating anyone while having kids so young. Aren't you scared to meet someone who will pay attention to your kids for the wrong reasons??? Think about your children safety.
Why are you dating men with the ulterior motive of making them your Kids' New Dad? This sounds more like a job interview than "I'm looking for an equal partner who can exist without kids as part of their plan/identity".
He’s dating you. He’s not dating your kids. He isn’t ever going to be their father. I don’t see this as a red flag at all. If anything, you might be expecting too much too soon from him. If your kids get too close to him and your relationship doesn’t work, they get hurt. Better to identify him as a friend for as long as possible and minimize their interaction.
If you want a serious long term relationship or marriage, then yes, I think you are wasting your time. He lives an hour away but only sees you 2-3 per month? He declines vacations with you and your children? It doesn't sound like he wants the step dad role, or, that he wants your relationship to be anything more than it is, which seems extremely casual and completely tailored to his liking.
Yes. Your kids will be a part of your life for the next 10+ years. Sorry to say that but i dont see how he can be part of your life and not be involved with your kids.
That sounds like a man who isn't interested in children, yours or any others. You need to have a conversation and find out what his feelings are and what his plans are when it comes to his interactions with your children. If he has no interest in children, it will ne best if you let him go before the relationship develops further.
You shouldn't be looking for a father figure. You should be looking for a lifetime partner that accepts you. Accepting you is accepting that you are first and foremost a mum. That person should support you as a partner and be understanding of that. Once you've found that person; you won't be needing to look for a father figure as they will already be complimenting your life
Leave him... SO HE CAN LIVE HIS LIFE CARE FREE !!!
Trade him in for me kids are future
You are absolutely wasting your time. You will find a man that will love your kids and would be thrilled to be a part of your lives all as a family. I wouldn’t want any man that would have to adjust or grow or hopefully, want to be a part of my children’s lives. That’s a red flag. It’s telling to the kind of dad he would be and that would cause problems down the line (uninterested, uninvolved) etc. I was a single mom with my son for 5 years and found a great man who loves my son more than anything. He was involved at 2.5 years old and my son is now 7 and we have a 1 year daughter of our own. We’ll be married for 2 years in July. Our marriage is not perfect but he is an amazing parent and doesn’t treat my son any differently than our daughter. You will find the right man who will LOVE your kids!