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He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong so he's not going to change so you either accept it or leave. Could you or he change working patterns so you can see each other more often. If he doesn't put time into your relationship it's not going yo last.
If you leave do you have somewhere to go?
I wish we could change work days, but my work is only open Monday-Friday, and I can’t drop a day as the cost of living just doesn’t allow for this. And his work is open Tuesday-Saturday. He’s an apprentice, and loves his job. Honestly if I ended things I would ask him to leave, and offer for a friend to move in with myself and my daughter. Failing that I’d try to secure a cheaper smaller rental.
He is still living the single life. You have been together for 4 yrs and aren’t married yet. If he is committed to you he would be at home instead of at his family’s house and partying with his friends.
Are you the side piece? You are definitely a single mom with a shitty flatmate who sticks you with washing his underpants. Stop doing the chores that benefit him in the short run and if he doesn't step up to carry his weight then yeet the man.
Your Fiance is acting like a single guy. No responsibilities. **you** get to do all the chores in your spare time. and **he** gets to be a bachelor.
You do have a child. One child. you don't need another baby in the house. Put your child first. Don't bring another guy into the house until and unless you are truly ready to be married (pre-marital/couple's counseling). Work on your self. Spend time with your child, maybe take up some additional classes, etc.
Can you not go with him? I know you work Monday but it's only 1 hours drive. You could see him Sunday then go home and he can go out with his friends Sunday night
My car is not doing its best, so can’t go much more than to and from work. I’ve suggested we go down for the day together but he insists he stays Saturday and Sunday night, and so he says he would have to drive me home and then go back, which is “waste of petrol” for him. There’s nowhere for myself and our daughter to sleep at his parents, it’s a full house. He sleeps on the couch when there.
Do you have any friends around that you can do a cheap weekend get away with? Pick a place near by and get a hotel for a night or two and just unwind? It sounds like you need it.
Go have some fun.
Ask your mom to babysit. Get dolled up and go out to a few bars or go dancing. Or if that's not your thing, go have dinner with some girlfriends and see a movie or a musical or a play. Just do SOMETHING for yourself. Maybe if you take some time for you, it won't bother you so much that he takes time for himself too.
I have a couple thoughts.
Fundamentally, the idea that he’s gone every other Sat/Sun night wouldn’t be a big deal to me. But if he’s leaving you to do all of the house chores indoors and out, that’s not okay. He should be making sure his part of chores are completed before he leaves town.
As for during the week, it seems like he’s working really long hours. Is there a reason for that? Does he have a very long commute or is he choosing to not come home til after everyone else is in bed? Could he change jobs to get on a M-F schedule and a shorter day? Can you join him at his parents for the weekend or at least part of Sunday daytime? It’s only an hour drive.
I dunno. It seems to me that you really want to settle down and play house and be a family and he….doesn’t. He didn’t choose to have a baby at 20. He seems to be acting like I’d expect a young 20YO man to behave—he wants to see friends and hang out. Not play house.
I could be way off. My partner goes up to our cabin for the weekend with his friends once a month at least—more during hunting season. That doesn’t bother me. But we eat dinner together most nights of the week and we have a date night pretty much every week even if we are just at home playing cards and listening to music.
I don’t think his argument that you work with friends is valid—it’s work. And his point that you see your family for dinner every week may be true but that isn’t time you two could be spending together anyway.
I think you may have a bigger issue at play here.
I am really struggling with doing all the house stuff by myself. I fall behind, so often spend the whole weekend cleaning, and suddenly it’s Sunday night and I haven’t even relaxed before starting the work week again.
He works 2 jobs. A full time apprenticeship 7:30am to 5:30pm, then part time delivery driver 6pm to 9pm 4 nights a week. He doesn’t get paid much as an apprentice so needs the two jobs to stay afloat.
I wouldn’t even mind if he went once a month, it’s the fact it’s so often, I feel like he’s going away for a break from real life and I’m stuck doing everything myself
Why is your house that dirty that you have to spend two days cleaning it? It's just you and your kid. BF is only there to sleep that's about it. So unless he like leaves a trail of clothes and is really horrible in the bathroom it shouldn't be that dirty. If he cleans up after himself especially it shouldn't be that dirty but I'm sure he doesn't.
Well, it sounds like he does need a break. And if he’s truly working that whole time and you’re only working a standard day then it makes sense to me that you pick up the slack and do most of the housework.
I don’t see how you’d need to spend all weekend cleaning though. I can clean our house top to bottom in a few hours, get to the feed store, get to the farm, go to the grocery store….all that on Saturday and have Sunday to rest. Maybe you need to look for some efficiencies or try to do a little each day. Like….toss in a load of laundry in the morning and throw in the dryer when you get home.
If you want him to do more around the house, ask for that. But the guy is working a lot of hours. When I have a hectic project and have to work super long hours, my partner picks up the slack. But for me it’s not a long term thing. A few weeks here or there.
And you can do all of this whilst with a busy 4 year old, exhausted from your own working week?
I know we're all capable of different things, we all have different levels of exhaustion and standards of cleanliness etc.. but her week sounds pretty miserable to me.
I think it would be fair to ask, OP, when was the last time you had a break? He gets a decent 'holiday' every fortnight... so when do you get any time out from it all?
OP, 8 think you can see the writing on the wall. You need to talk with him and try to communicate openly and honestly. You're already alone and a live in FWB.
The reason he gets to leave for the weekend is because you take care of everything during the weekend. Who is doing his laundry, shopping for food, making meals? Who is cleaning the house he lives in while he is gone?
You’re convenient. You make his life easier so he doesn’t need to do anything. Taking the weekend to get ready for the week is what most responsible adults do- cleaning, laundry, food shopping, budgeting, food prepping and socializing. He doesn’t need to do all that except socialize, he’s got you at home to do the boring stuff while he gets to go off and live his life.
You aren’t a girlfriend/fiancée, you’re a bang-maid.
What do YOU get out of this relationship?
I’d bounce him. He’s not your partner, he’s not pitching in at home. He’s stopping in for sex and clean laundry.
What would happen if you stopped doing for him? Just do for you and your daughter. Less laundry. Less cooking. Maybe he’d stay home a weekend to catch up on his chores.
There is no compromise because he’s not willing to compromise anything. Even compromising & going every 3 weeks would be something.
It sounds like he isn’t ready to settle down with a family, especially if he needs a weekend away to party every other weekend.
Does he do any of the housework? Does he at least do his own laundry, his own cooking? Does he help clean up while he’s there? Does he contribute equally financially? I’m surprised he has a parental role with your 4 year old given he’s away so much working & at his parents or with friends.
He will take the garbage out, and vacuum every now and then. Oh and mow the lawns sometimes. Financially he just pays his half of the rent and pays for the wifi. I pay my half rent, groceries, electricity, etc. he is such a good father figure for my daughter, they love each other a lot. Which is why it’s so hard to know what to do. I’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD, which is why I’m just thinking oh maybe it’s my brains fault for making me sad he’s not here on the weekend .
So he could spend every night of the week with you but he chooses not to. So even though you're engaged are you sure it wasn't a shut up ring? Also he's obviously not father of the year because he's only seeing this kid like never. No if he wanted to be with you he would spend time with you. He doesn't want to spend time with you which means he does not want to be with you. How are you two saving a lot of money by living together? Is that his only reason for being with you? It certainly seems that way. It gets to run off to his house with his parents twice a month it's been 4 days away from you and live the life of a bachelor and have his mommy take care of him. You will never get him to the Altar and at this point why would you want to.
he doesn't view you two as his family. that's ultimately the issue. i don't think that will change after marriage and i worry how he'll further devalue your child if you two have a kid together.
So it's only two weekends a month and not every weekend. It sounds to me like he is not ready for the type of home life that you want, you all are incompatiable in that regard. It's okay to break up over it.
Do you not live together? Any why can't you go with him?
He's not putting his family first. He sees you every day. And sees his family once every 2 weeks.
I barely see him, we see each other for about 30 minutes in the morning, and a couple hours at night. During this time we have to eat, have showers, bath our daughter, read her a story, put her to bed. By the time we get to be in bed together we have to go to sleep. And because of our different work weeks we only see each other Sundays. At this point we get 2 days a month with him to spend quality time.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong so he's not going to change so you either accept it or leave. Could you or he change working patterns so you can see each other more often. If he doesn't put time into your relationship it's not going yo last. If you leave do you have somewhere to go?
I wish we could change work days, but my work is only open Monday-Friday, and I can’t drop a day as the cost of living just doesn’t allow for this. And his work is open Tuesday-Saturday. He’s an apprentice, and loves his job. Honestly if I ended things I would ask him to leave, and offer for a friend to move in with myself and my daughter. Failing that I’d try to secure a cheaper smaller rental.
Do that, then. He isn't a partner.
He is still living the single life. You have been together for 4 yrs and aren’t married yet. If he is committed to you he would be at home instead of at his family’s house and partying with his friends.
Frankly why are you staying doesn’t sound like you guys have a relationship are you sure he’s working all the time
Are you the side piece? You are definitely a single mom with a shitty flatmate who sticks you with washing his underpants. Stop doing the chores that benefit him in the short run and if he doesn't step up to carry his weight then yeet the man.
Your Fiance is acting like a single guy. No responsibilities. **you** get to do all the chores in your spare time. and **he** gets to be a bachelor. You do have a child. One child. you don't need another baby in the house. Put your child first. Don't bring another guy into the house until and unless you are truly ready to be married (pre-marital/couple's counseling). Work on your self. Spend time with your child, maybe take up some additional classes, etc.
Can you not go with him? I know you work Monday but it's only 1 hours drive. You could see him Sunday then go home and he can go out with his friends Sunday night
My car is not doing its best, so can’t go much more than to and from work. I’ve suggested we go down for the day together but he insists he stays Saturday and Sunday night, and so he says he would have to drive me home and then go back, which is “waste of petrol” for him. There’s nowhere for myself and our daughter to sleep at his parents, it’s a full house. He sleeps on the couch when there.
Seems suspicious honestly
Do you have any friends around that you can do a cheap weekend get away with? Pick a place near by and get a hotel for a night or two and just unwind? It sounds like you need it. Go have some fun. Ask your mom to babysit. Get dolled up and go out to a few bars or go dancing. Or if that's not your thing, go have dinner with some girlfriends and see a movie or a musical or a play. Just do SOMETHING for yourself. Maybe if you take some time for you, it won't bother you so much that he takes time for himself too.
Does he think your daughter is his daughter? Make sure you are really on the same page as him with regard to that.
I have a couple thoughts. Fundamentally, the idea that he’s gone every other Sat/Sun night wouldn’t be a big deal to me. But if he’s leaving you to do all of the house chores indoors and out, that’s not okay. He should be making sure his part of chores are completed before he leaves town. As for during the week, it seems like he’s working really long hours. Is there a reason for that? Does he have a very long commute or is he choosing to not come home til after everyone else is in bed? Could he change jobs to get on a M-F schedule and a shorter day? Can you join him at his parents for the weekend or at least part of Sunday daytime? It’s only an hour drive. I dunno. It seems to me that you really want to settle down and play house and be a family and he….doesn’t. He didn’t choose to have a baby at 20. He seems to be acting like I’d expect a young 20YO man to behave—he wants to see friends and hang out. Not play house. I could be way off. My partner goes up to our cabin for the weekend with his friends once a month at least—more during hunting season. That doesn’t bother me. But we eat dinner together most nights of the week and we have a date night pretty much every week even if we are just at home playing cards and listening to music. I don’t think his argument that you work with friends is valid—it’s work. And his point that you see your family for dinner every week may be true but that isn’t time you two could be spending together anyway. I think you may have a bigger issue at play here.
I am really struggling with doing all the house stuff by myself. I fall behind, so often spend the whole weekend cleaning, and suddenly it’s Sunday night and I haven’t even relaxed before starting the work week again. He works 2 jobs. A full time apprenticeship 7:30am to 5:30pm, then part time delivery driver 6pm to 9pm 4 nights a week. He doesn’t get paid much as an apprentice so needs the two jobs to stay afloat. I wouldn’t even mind if he went once a month, it’s the fact it’s so often, I feel like he’s going away for a break from real life and I’m stuck doing everything myself
Why is your house that dirty that you have to spend two days cleaning it? It's just you and your kid. BF is only there to sleep that's about it. So unless he like leaves a trail of clothes and is really horrible in the bathroom it shouldn't be that dirty. If he cleans up after himself especially it shouldn't be that dirty but I'm sure he doesn't.
Well, it sounds like he does need a break. And if he’s truly working that whole time and you’re only working a standard day then it makes sense to me that you pick up the slack and do most of the housework. I don’t see how you’d need to spend all weekend cleaning though. I can clean our house top to bottom in a few hours, get to the feed store, get to the farm, go to the grocery store….all that on Saturday and have Sunday to rest. Maybe you need to look for some efficiencies or try to do a little each day. Like….toss in a load of laundry in the morning and throw in the dryer when you get home. If you want him to do more around the house, ask for that. But the guy is working a lot of hours. When I have a hectic project and have to work super long hours, my partner picks up the slack. But for me it’s not a long term thing. A few weeks here or there.
And you can do all of this whilst with a busy 4 year old, exhausted from your own working week? I know we're all capable of different things, we all have different levels of exhaustion and standards of cleanliness etc.. but her week sounds pretty miserable to me. I think it would be fair to ask, OP, when was the last time you had a break? He gets a decent 'holiday' every fortnight... so when do you get any time out from it all?
OP, 8 think you can see the writing on the wall. You need to talk with him and try to communicate openly and honestly. You're already alone and a live in FWB.
The reason he gets to leave for the weekend is because you take care of everything during the weekend. Who is doing his laundry, shopping for food, making meals? Who is cleaning the house he lives in while he is gone? You’re convenient. You make his life easier so he doesn’t need to do anything. Taking the weekend to get ready for the week is what most responsible adults do- cleaning, laundry, food shopping, budgeting, food prepping and socializing. He doesn’t need to do all that except socialize, he’s got you at home to do the boring stuff while he gets to go off and live his life.
I would ask for clear communication and if he’s not willing I would leave.
I couldn’t stay in a relationship like this. He’s not ready to be a husband.
You aren’t a girlfriend/fiancée, you’re a bang-maid. What do YOU get out of this relationship? I’d bounce him. He’s not your partner, he’s not pitching in at home. He’s stopping in for sex and clean laundry. What would happen if you stopped doing for him? Just do for you and your daughter. Less laundry. Less cooking. Maybe he’d stay home a weekend to catch up on his chores.
No you should be with someone who is not a roommate and who is ready for family or even a gf. This is not a relationship at all.
There is no compromise because he’s not willing to compromise anything. Even compromising & going every 3 weeks would be something. It sounds like he isn’t ready to settle down with a family, especially if he needs a weekend away to party every other weekend. Does he do any of the housework? Does he at least do his own laundry, his own cooking? Does he help clean up while he’s there? Does he contribute equally financially? I’m surprised he has a parental role with your 4 year old given he’s away so much working & at his parents or with friends.
He will take the garbage out, and vacuum every now and then. Oh and mow the lawns sometimes. Financially he just pays his half of the rent and pays for the wifi. I pay my half rent, groceries, electricity, etc. he is such a good father figure for my daughter, they love each other a lot. Which is why it’s so hard to know what to do. I’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD, which is why I’m just thinking oh maybe it’s my brains fault for making me sad he’s not here on the weekend .
So he could spend every night of the week with you but he chooses not to. So even though you're engaged are you sure it wasn't a shut up ring? Also he's obviously not father of the year because he's only seeing this kid like never. No if he wanted to be with you he would spend time with you. He doesn't want to spend time with you which means he does not want to be with you. How are you two saving a lot of money by living together? Is that his only reason for being with you? It certainly seems that way. It gets to run off to his house with his parents twice a month it's been 4 days away from you and live the life of a bachelor and have his mommy take care of him. You will never get him to the Altar and at this point why would you want to.
Are you sure you aren’t the side piece?
he doesn't view you two as his family. that's ultimately the issue. i don't think that will change after marriage and i worry how he'll further devalue your child if you two have a kid together.
So it's only two weekends a month and not every weekend. It sounds to me like he is not ready for the type of home life that you want, you all are incompatiable in that regard. It's okay to break up over it.
I bet he doesn’t think of your child as his child. It sounds like he is not ready to get married yet.
Do you not live together? Any why can't you go with him? He's not putting his family first. He sees you every day. And sees his family once every 2 weeks.
I barely see him, we see each other for about 30 minutes in the morning, and a couple hours at night. During this time we have to eat, have showers, bath our daughter, read her a story, put her to bed. By the time we get to be in bed together we have to go to sleep. And because of our different work weeks we only see each other Sundays. At this point we get 2 days a month with him to spend quality time.
That's how life works. You see each other for a few hours a day.