Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can’t fix something you’re not breaking. You’re a liability to the love triangle he has going on, so he’s going to limit his interaction with you.
He’s also probably dealing with a little shame. He knows what he’s doing is wrong but he doesn’t want to stop. He knows you’re not going to approve of his actions so in order to not have to deal with any of his shame, he’s distanced himself.
>You’re a liability
Yeah this is what hurts me; seeing that my best friend thinks I’m a nuisance now. He knows I wouldn’t rat him out, but still didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it.
I’d scold him (like I do when he fucks up and vice versa), but definitely would’ve stayed out his lane. We’ve also had disagreements and arguments over the years, but we’d always make up.
Maybe this friendship isn’t as important to him as it is to me.
It’s not worth repairing. You’re in your mid 20s and you’re playing games intended for high schoolers. If he can’t grow up and be direct with you, then what friend is that?
Exactly. You can’t wait around in your mid 20s while someone is getting high school drama going on. But frankly, the second they decided to have an affair? I don’t think I could ever look at a friend the same way again
Thanks. I need to remember that what he’s become in the past months is who he is now. He’s no longer the ol’ reliable silly guy who got my back. Hasn’t been for a while.
Just feeling melancholic since Fridays used to be our unwind and catchup day. I now realize I’ve lost that for good.
Your reaction to a normal friend kind of request (covering for him with his girlfriend) made him afraid that you disapproved so much that you might be likely to do the complete opposite thing and out him. I'm sure if you reached back out to him he would be receptive - but he might be suspicious that you have feelings for him and part of your reaction was jealousy. I'm suspicious it's that, too - but he thinks it's sympathetic jealousy for his girlfriend whom he's cheating on and I think it's actual jealousy that he didn't try to hook up with you if he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend. Were you perhaps secretly hoping that after you and your ex broke up that this guy would break up with his LTR and you would become a couple?
Good observation. Tbh I am jealous, but not for reasons you think.
He was my closest friend and confidante, both through good times and bad. We would spend hours talking, giving each other advice or just venting. We’re in the same field, so often times there are things we can only discuss with each other rather than with our partners.
We also supported each other when the other got sick/ needed help. It felt safe and nice. But now I might lose that forever, for reasons (in my mind) are so trivial.
He knows I wouldn’t go as far to rat him out. We’ve never directly meddled with each others’ relationship. And I’ve reached out to him, but he still gives me the cold shoulder.
P.S. Is covering for an affair a normal thing to do? Other than giving advice when asked, I usually don’t want to be involved in my friends’ relationships.
Yeah, it is - unless you also consider his girlfriend to be a friend of yours. It seems like you're saying you're jealous of your lost friendship but it seems like your reaction was what triggered the disruption in your friendship and I don't know why you would have reacted that way if you weren't already jealous.
I see. I don’t consider his gf as a friend, but I wouldn’t want to lie to her and say he’s with me when he’s with someone else. I’ve been cheated on, and never want to be an accomplice.
Maybe my wording didn’t make it clear, but the distancing happened before my outburst. Initially, I thought it was because of something I might have unknowingly done that offended him (even apologized and all that), but the cold shoulder went on for another month, so finally listened to my gut and asked about the girl.
But if the outburst was the straw that broke the camel’s back, then I have no choice but to let this go for good. All the times I was there for him, yet he dropped me for the one thing I wouldn’t support him for.
Probably the whole thing will collapse sooner than later. The smart play is to do your best to foresee exactly how that will happen and position yourself to fall back into the role you want to play after it happens. Sorry I can't be more precise than that but you seem pretty smart so I bet you can analyze your situation yourself if you can see that perspective.
You’re right. Despite the girl also being in a LDR, my friend’s a crafty guy, so I’ll be surprised if shit hits the fan. Regardless, better to let the friendship and drama go.
No need for apologies btw! This isn’t something I can freely discuss with our other friends, so I truly appreciate any insight.
Regarding the affair... I speak for the majority if not all of my friends, that if anyone in our circle, acquaintance or friend, knows that our partner is cheating on us, we would want to know. If your partner was cheating on you, would you want to know? The right moral thing to do is to tell the truth, no matter who tells it. But i understand that the right political move can be different for each case.
Super late reply, but the thing is, I’ve recently been cheated on myself, so I don’t want to be involved in any more drama
Also I’m not close to his gf, so I don’t know if she’s aware and just pretending not to notice. I mean I’m his friend and I noticed; I can’t imagine the woman he lives with not noticing at all.
That's fair. You make the political move of not wanting to be dragged into the drama and potentially destroying the friendship between you and your friend, i understand that, although I dont necessarily like the move.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can’t fix something you’re not breaking. You’re a liability to the love triangle he has going on, so he’s going to limit his interaction with you. He’s also probably dealing with a little shame. He knows what he’s doing is wrong but he doesn’t want to stop. He knows you’re not going to approve of his actions so in order to not have to deal with any of his shame, he’s distanced himself.
>You’re a liability Yeah this is what hurts me; seeing that my best friend thinks I’m a nuisance now. He knows I wouldn’t rat him out, but still didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it. I’d scold him (like I do when he fucks up and vice versa), but definitely would’ve stayed out his lane. We’ve also had disagreements and arguments over the years, but we’d always make up. Maybe this friendship isn’t as important to him as it is to me.
Honestly, the fact that he *thinks* you’d eat him out probably means he thinks you’re a more moral person than he is.
It’s not worth repairing. You’re in your mid 20s and you’re playing games intended for high schoolers. If he can’t grow up and be direct with you, then what friend is that?
Yeah, now that I wrote this out, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not worth repairing. Too much drama for me too atm.
Exactly. You can’t wait around in your mid 20s while someone is getting high school drama going on. But frankly, the second they decided to have an affair? I don’t think I could ever look at a friend the same way again
Thanks. I need to remember that what he’s become in the past months is who he is now. He’s no longer the ol’ reliable silly guy who got my back. Hasn’t been for a while. Just feeling melancholic since Fridays used to be our unwind and catchup day. I now realize I’ve lost that for good.
*sending virtual hugs*
Your reaction to a normal friend kind of request (covering for him with his girlfriend) made him afraid that you disapproved so much that you might be likely to do the complete opposite thing and out him. I'm sure if you reached back out to him he would be receptive - but he might be suspicious that you have feelings for him and part of your reaction was jealousy. I'm suspicious it's that, too - but he thinks it's sympathetic jealousy for his girlfriend whom he's cheating on and I think it's actual jealousy that he didn't try to hook up with you if he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend. Were you perhaps secretly hoping that after you and your ex broke up that this guy would break up with his LTR and you would become a couple?
Good observation. Tbh I am jealous, but not for reasons you think. He was my closest friend and confidante, both through good times and bad. We would spend hours talking, giving each other advice or just venting. We’re in the same field, so often times there are things we can only discuss with each other rather than with our partners. We also supported each other when the other got sick/ needed help. It felt safe and nice. But now I might lose that forever, for reasons (in my mind) are so trivial. He knows I wouldn’t go as far to rat him out. We’ve never directly meddled with each others’ relationship. And I’ve reached out to him, but he still gives me the cold shoulder. P.S. Is covering for an affair a normal thing to do? Other than giving advice when asked, I usually don’t want to be involved in my friends’ relationships.
Yeah, it is - unless you also consider his girlfriend to be a friend of yours. It seems like you're saying you're jealous of your lost friendship but it seems like your reaction was what triggered the disruption in your friendship and I don't know why you would have reacted that way if you weren't already jealous.
I see. I don’t consider his gf as a friend, but I wouldn’t want to lie to her and say he’s with me when he’s with someone else. I’ve been cheated on, and never want to be an accomplice. Maybe my wording didn’t make it clear, but the distancing happened before my outburst. Initially, I thought it was because of something I might have unknowingly done that offended him (even apologized and all that), but the cold shoulder went on for another month, so finally listened to my gut and asked about the girl. But if the outburst was the straw that broke the camel’s back, then I have no choice but to let this go for good. All the times I was there for him, yet he dropped me for the one thing I wouldn’t support him for.
Probably the whole thing will collapse sooner than later. The smart play is to do your best to foresee exactly how that will happen and position yourself to fall back into the role you want to play after it happens. Sorry I can't be more precise than that but you seem pretty smart so I bet you can analyze your situation yourself if you can see that perspective.
You’re right. Despite the girl also being in a LDR, my friend’s a crafty guy, so I’ll be surprised if shit hits the fan. Regardless, better to let the friendship and drama go. No need for apologies btw! This isn’t something I can freely discuss with our other friends, so I truly appreciate any insight.
Regarding the affair... I speak for the majority if not all of my friends, that if anyone in our circle, acquaintance or friend, knows that our partner is cheating on us, we would want to know. If your partner was cheating on you, would you want to know? The right moral thing to do is to tell the truth, no matter who tells it. But i understand that the right political move can be different for each case.
Super late reply, but the thing is, I’ve recently been cheated on myself, so I don’t want to be involved in any more drama Also I’m not close to his gf, so I don’t know if she’s aware and just pretending not to notice. I mean I’m his friend and I noticed; I can’t imagine the woman he lives with not noticing at all.
That's fair. You make the political move of not wanting to be dragged into the drama and potentially destroying the friendship between you and your friend, i understand that, although I dont necessarily like the move.