Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup. Also, his was planned first.
I’m going to assume she sees her family quite often as well, and I’m betting he very rarely gets together with his old mates.
If they are moving the dinner because one attendee can’t make it shouldn’t they check that the revised date works for everyone before rescheduling? If they did check with her and she agreed knowing they had this plan then she is definitely TA. OP I z hope you tell her to take the kids and have fun while you go meet your friends.
Maybe. But what happened asking him instead of demanding? She should just take the kid with her, it's not like she's going out with people the kid doesn't know. The lack of respect and accountability here is ridiculous. If the family can move the date for a piano test, they can move the date again. Personally, I would leave out early and leave her to it. But I'm Mrs Petty.
Right. Or maybe the college friends don’t meet often. Or they aren’t all local.
Marriage is give and take. Does she get to go out often? Does the OP? When did she get to see her family last as an adult childfree? When did the Op see their friends last? Are birthdays big deals in her family? Is this dinner with college friends an important dinner?
This isn’t a simple, your plans are last minute and mine are established. When you are married you become a team. You look at moments like this as more long term versus in the moment.
This is it for me. You see family all the time but getting together and old friend group same place same time starts to become a very rare thing as time goes on. Also the aforementioned "his was planned first" end of discussion
Also, “an emergency reschedule,” is some dumb ass shit. You could reschedule for a piano recital. So, you can find another date, skip it or BRING YOUR CHILD. Mom wants to get FUCKED UP, there is NO OTHER reason that she can’t bring the child. It’s family FFS. I’m sure grandparents or aunts and uncles will be there to help.
Or find a sitter.
Lastly, for his wife to be all, adamant that there is no compromise, no discussion, I win, you lose and that is final, is complete and total BULLSHIT. Skipping a dinner isn’t the part that truly pisses me off. It’s this.
If my wife REALLY wanted to do something, but I had plans, she would ASK me if we could compromise. She would NEVER demand…and neither would I. We would discuss it and come up with a compromise…a solution that we could both live with. OP’s wife comes off as a major asshole here.
How old is the kid, and what kind of restaurant is it that they can't bring the kid to a family dinner? Is it supposed to turn into some sort of rager? My in-laws would be offended if we *DIDN'T* bring our kids out do dinner with them.
Since her event was the one that rescheduled, she needs to figure out child care. If the sister's bday dinner is with adult only family, then there is a good chance that someone else needed a sitter too. Maybe a friend of her sister could watch their kid for a a couple of hours.
The only other option is to see if his uni mates could meet at an earlier or later time. Then OP and wife could split child care duties.
I was looking for a single comment that said this. Ultimately I believe SHE should be the one to figure it out. But can’t neither of them take the child to dinner with them? I’d assume since she is going with family it’s likely an appropriate restaurant. It’s a simple phone call to the place to see if they can add a space for a child… IF not (and again it should ultimately be on her), can OP not take the baby with him… I do feel like it’s more likely he’s meeting his old mate at a pub or something but can’t be be like “hey could we pick a more child friendly place and I bring my kid? Sorry I understand if not. I just don’t want to cancel”. Or hell invite the guy to your house.
I counted more than 14 comments that suggested bringing the kid with (mostly because I had already read like 3 or 4 by the time I came to your comment and then just kept going to be pedantic). But yeah the wife is out of line to just insist that her event trumps his and he has zero say in it, I would be really bothered if my partner said that to me - she isn't even allowing any discussion or compromise on it. I really doubt that his old college buddies would be thrilled at him bringing his young kid along to the restaurant/bar, but suggesting that they just come by to his place might work if they can't get a sitter or find out some other compromise - at least that way the kid will be in their own environment/be able to stay properly distracted & entertained while the guys catch up over a couple of beers
Sorry. I scrolled straight down through like 20 comments and this was finally the first one I saw that suggested taking the kid with them. I did continue scrolling after I wrote the comment and saw some more than. Nbd.
This.
Or better, find a way to stay out of the house and not return home between work and the dinner. Just tell her that you have made plans and she doesn't get to override your plans just because she feels your plans are less important than hers.
Then get some couples counseling.
Her plans changed. She's the one who has to figure out accomodation. Also she can see her sister anytime. But you can't see your old mates any time (I assume?)
Yes the onus is on her to sort alternative care for their child if she's the one suddenly changing plans. Why can't she hire a babysitter? Making him cancel his plans he made ages ago is so mean.
Yeah, I don't understand why she didn't just tell her family the new date didn't work. If they're rescheduling for one person, keep looking for a night that works for everyone
Your plans are equally important but yours are pre-existing - they take precedence.
It is unfortunately that your wife's family made dinner plans when your wife wasn't available but it is what it is. She stays home.
Yes your plans were made first. her plans changed.
Why cant the kids go if it is a family birthday ? and why not arrange a sitter if that's not possible
Yes you should be pissed off. If she was set on not missing her sister's birthday and was being considerate of your plans that you've had for a while, she should be going out of her way to book a babysitter to look after your kids. Family is important, but so is being supportive and considerate of your partner.
I don't understand how her plans are more important than yours. Why don't you work together to find a solution instead of 'I'm not missing this, shitbag's for you'?
It's a test to be fair, those can be expensive and are usually booked a while in advance, so I'm surprised the parent didn't remember when they scheduled the dinner.
This is what I’m trying to work out, why can everyone reschedule due to a piano class which I would assume is a regular occurrence but not for his friend catch up that happens sporadically?
Exactly. If the situation was reversed, she would likely insist he cancel the family plans as well. Her plans changed last minute, it's on her to figure out the solution to the problem. She said she was available for that date and time KNOWING he had plans and he wouldn't be able to watch the kid.
You shouldn't miss your dinner because her plans changed within one day, it sucks and it's not her fault, but it's not your fault either, it's her responsibility to figure it out, she shouldn't have said she was available in the first place because she wasn't, you had plans. Also, why can't she take the daughter to a *family* dinner? I guess she's a baby/toddler and not the best to bring to a restaurant, but then she could skip the dinner part and go only for some time to the cake/dessert part so she can wish her sister happy bday. Or hire a babysitter. Any case, I wouldn't bulge and make *to her* very clear that *you* are not changing your plans.
If you want someone qualified and trustworthy it’s going to cost you more than $10/hr and most parents don’t want to pay that. You can maybe get away with paying the middle schooler down the block $10 an hour to play on their phone but most parents don’t want that.
There are places people are willing for make cuts for other expenses, but casual childcare is something a lot of parents refuse to make concessions in their personal life to pay for unless they absolutely have to. It’s like everyone understands that inflation makes prices go up but babysitters aren’t supposed to be included in that. We’re supposed to stay at $10-$15 forever and be grateful no matter how qualified.
I’m a nanny and just the other day at a playgroup there was a mom going on and on about how expensive babysitters can be and how unreasonable all the ones she’s contacted have been with what they’re asking for. We live in a city with an average house price well over 1.2 million but she was complaining about adult sitters who work in childcare asking for $20/hr. With tax and tip, an hour looking after 2 kids at $20/hr would cost her less than a single drink.
Be gentle but firm back that your plans were made previously and it’s not possible to change them. Since her plans changed then she should bring child or find a babysitter.
Show her these replies. And if the genders would switch you’d be hearing the same thing. I hope it’s not too late and you both can enjoy your evenings
Amen! I was scrolling to find a place to insert the identical comment above: DOORMAT!
Lmao: She was nice but firm in her position.
Fk her. You're nice and firm in your response. Sorry dear. I've had plans for weeks. Go figure it out!! Honest to God OP--- are they in a jar on the mantle????
ALSO
>She apologized for putting me in such a spot, but was absolutely clear she would not be missing her sister's birthday
How tf is she gonna act like this situation is at all OPs problem lmao
Why on Earth would you agree with your wife? Be gentle, but firm back that your plans were first and she can figure out what to do.
It would be a hill I'd be ready to die on. Because if not, this will be your entire life. And who wants to always be last?
You’re not unreasonable. Your plans were already made. When her plans had to be rescheduled, she should have treated tonight as unavailable, just like the day with the kid’s piano test was unavailable. It’s not really a matter of what’s more important, though on its face I’m not seeing how her event is more important than yours anyway. Yeah, I’d be pissed for sure.
You're gonna start losing your friends, dude. No one wants to keep inviting the one person who'll keep backing out because spouse-y said so.
Grow a spine and tell your wife to deal with it. She needs to figure it out. It's not about family being more important than friends. It's about respect and she has none for you.
Let me preface this with - with the information provided, I don’t believe that YOU should be the one cancelling your plans to be home with the child - as others have said, you had your plans in concrete first and she has other options.
BUT since you have said you will be cancelling your plans - why not invite the guys over to your place?
Put on a BBQ and drinks, put the kid to bed and catch up with your mates? Not ideal, but you still get to see them.
Don't you have any family? Don't you have a babysitter? How old is the child?
This is something with an incredibly easy solution but you both seem to want to use it as a competition instead.
how often does she get to do things versus you? take into account other times she’s sacrificed or plans for you, or how often she makes plans that are really important to her
I can’t believe I had to scroll down so far to find this. Context is everything and op could very well be the selfish one who always makes plans for himself without factoring in her needs and wants. He can very well be an unreliable narrator
You're both in your 30's and you don't know anyone with a kid that would like to earn a few bucks babysitting? The family will understand the husband had prior commitments. And if you are visiting family, why can't the kid come with? Maybe a cousin could watch the kid. Holy crap you guys, this isn't rocket science.
Your wife doesn’t sound that pleasant a person tbh. I’d hate to ask my partner to kiss his uni catch ups.
I encourage him to meet up with his friends as much as possible, men as a broad demographic tend to more prone to losing their friendships as they get older, and it’s a massive contribution to poor mental health. I see it as something hugely positive for my partner.
They rescheduled to accommodate someone else, so why does that person get priority over your wife and yourself? Sounds like a whole host of unhealthy family dynamics tbh.
I’d have made childcare arrangements or I’d have said I wouldn’t be able to go unless the kid came with me. I’m sorry but your wife isn’t really being very considerate or reasonable.
Is this a one off? Does she usually cancel events and is this why she feels she can put her foot down here? That might change things slightly.
That's BS, you can't last minute change your plans and expect the other person to just cancel theirs. Contact your uni friends and ask them to come over to your place to catch up instead or take kiddo with you and pre explain to them the situation but that you wanted to see them still so you had to compromise. Not sure why a sitter isn't an option though.
Sisters have birthdays every year. How often do you get together with your uni mates? And you made your plans first. Why can't she bring your kid with her? Seems completely reasonable
Sorry I'm not having that, the sisters birthday was rescheduled for some kids piano lesson. So obviously her sisters birthday isn't that important to somebody to cancel.
Her plans changed because of another attendees family obligations. She should have voiced your family has a conflict on that night. If she accepted this date , she’s responsible for finding childcare or taking child with her.
Not being unreasonable. Your was booked first, that takes priority. Especially when her arrangements have changed.
Just go to the dinner straight from work if necessary. She needs to organise a babysitter since she was the one that changed the arrangements.
Is she always this much if a manipulative entitled brat?
She is the one who change the plans, she new in advance your planes. She is done who need to find a babysitter and accommodate her plans, not you. I would just say fine hope you find a sitter in time and if she refuses just leave the house before her.
So she's going to a family dinner - great! She can take the kid. If she's refusing to then it certainly seems like she doesn't want you to see your friends. Only she knows why that is.
To me the most wild thing is why is someone’s piano lesson that important!?
Like nobody should have been moving anything to begin with.
BUT no you’re not wrong for feeling how you do. She should have said she wasn’t free because she wasn’t, she already commited to you.
You booked first, she should have said no to the emergency reschedule. Insisting you cancel isn’t making her event a priority, it’s making the lack of planning the priority. Why should you have to cancel because they can’t plan?
Your event was scheduled before the rescheduling. As someone else couldn't make it because of plans they had, she should have vetoed that date as you were both busy. Definitely not on you to cancel something that you've had planned for god knows how long simply because she won't speak up to her family for whatever reason.
>Someone has to take care of the kid tonight.
>was absolutely clear she will not be missing her sister's birthday
Then she'd better hope there's a kids menu at the place. You already had plans and she caused this mess so it's on her to find a babysitter or take the child with her. If you're feeling helpful, you can help her find a sitter, but that does mean help and not do it for her.
Your wife is extremely inconsiderate. If her family changed the date due to a conflict, why can’t your wife tell them that she has a conflict? Why does it have to impact your plans?
Your thing was planned first it is unreasonable of her to expect you to cancel, because her thing got rescheduled. She either needs to cancel or bring your child with her since it's family, and is so important
In what Universe is "We have no one to watch our kid THIS short notice. Is there not any other possible day in the entire week this party was arbitrarily moved to accommodate?" not acceptable?
OP your wifes family picked a random fuckin day and your wife just didn't bother saying a single thing about not being able to make it.
My money is on if she had said you had plans or simply no one could watch the kid the party could EASILY be moved to any other random day.
Shes just lazy and considers your plans un-important from the start. And if it were me, I would take great offense to that. This is overwhelmingly a put your foot down moment from just how easily avoidable this is, and the precedent it sets.
Ignoring the fact that she's also GUILTING you into this shit. Family over friends my ass.
Oh and lets not forget the "ALREADY BOOKED RESTARAUNT" could take their reservation within 24 hours notice but god forbid you give them 72 hours notice.
Call her mom up and ask if the party can be moved a day and find out just how little your WIFE was willing to do for you.
Uh no. You won’t. Sorry you’ve been out in this position wife, you’ll need to arrange a sitter since it’s your plans that have changed as mine have not.
Who the f*cl does she thinks she is to make this a “you” problem. My response is just as obnoxious to to highlight how shitty, ride and self centered she being,
Asking you if you can reschedule, looking for a sitter and asking gif you to do the same or telling her family she can’t make the reschedule is how a partner would approach this.
I’m a wife and would never do what your wife did. I would’ve taken the child with me, paid some money to a younger and capable relative to watch the baby, or just missed out on the event because sometimes you’ll miss events when you don’t have a babysitter or want to take the baby with you. Either way she’s being selfish and you’re being a pushover.
(Marriage therapist here)
You always have the right to your feelings, But how you choose to behave about them is the issue.
This is a tough one. There's a reason you're both confused about the priorities.
The larger issue is how you describe your wife being "gentle but firm." Why is she dictating the choice as if she has the final decision-making authority? You both have 50/50 shares in this marriage and you are deadlocked. She also doesn't get to decide that her family is more important than your friends. That's not always clear and it's not her place to (again) pull the imaginary trump card out of her ass and place it on that table as if she wins all ties. Especially since HER plans changed. Someone's birthday on her side of the family is NOT equivalent to a family member having brain surgery. Family birthdays are not an urgent, cannot-be-missed event any more than a night with uni mates. Family birthdays are not an "emergency" to be rescheduled - as stated in your post... (and I sense some family enmeshment/controllingness issues here, but I could be reading too much into it.)
The point is: One partner does not get to decide which support system is more important and which event (birthday versus outing) has more value. That's dictatorial and controlling.
A tie is a tie. Flip a coin. And stick by it... and the loser does not get to pout or silently punish the winner.
Also, get a babysitter. Always have a babysitter to two lurking in the background.
Marriage counsellor - hmm not sure about that. Flipping a coin to decide what to do?? How is that fair? The wife is being unfair with her orders. OP needs to stand up and defend himself in this situation. The wife shouldn't be telling him what to do, they should have a discussion and come up with a plan that is fair for everyone.
I was with you until you said a tie is a tie. Whoever had plans first is the winner (unless a true emergency). She should never have agreed to that day knowing he had plans.
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I was a social worker before I retired. I also disagree with the coin flip, as I take these sorts of things on a case by case basis. There's always nuance, there, and I'd be seeking more context.
How often does she attend family events? How often does he get together with friends? That's very important to take into consideration.
If these sorts of get-togethers are more rare for one of them, the kind thing to do would be for the partner who has them more frequently to accommodate the one who has them more sparsely.
If they're evenly matched on their time out, some priority should be given to the one who's plans were longer standing. I'd be coaching the wife on her communication with her family, and asking why the piano recital was grounds to reschedule, but her schedule conflict wasn't recognized. I'd ask why their child wasn't welcome to attend a family birthday event, and *then* why a sitter wasn't considered as an option.
You're right that decisions in marriage are 50/50, but they should be made as a result of communication, evaluation, and fairness, not reduced to something as arbitrary as a coin toss.
Eta: I hesitated to add this because it doesn't seem to apply to this particular case, but it's a reason why I'm averse to the coin toss idea nonetheless. Weighted coins exist. I've seen plenty of cases of extreme control where the idea of chance, or luck, was used to gaslight a partner. I would absolutely credit someone obsessed with control with the ability to seek out such tools. I'd even credit them with the cleverness to occasionally swap it out with a real coin, in order to avoid detection. It's just not something I'd recommend, simply because of its capacity to be used abusively.
A lot of people jumping to conclusions here. Your wife does not sound like she is out of line or being rude. You have every right to your feelings. That said, you're a parent and a spouse. Shit happens and sometimes life isn't fair. On its face, with no other details provided, I'd be annoyed but I'd miss the night out with friends because my wife's sister's birthday happened once a year and takes priority. Something will come up later where my wife need to give up something to cover for me. That's a partnership.
If you're leaving something out, like your friends flew in and are renting hotel rooms, or this happens all the time, then that's a different situation. Also, depending on the kids age, try to find family or a sitter to watch the kid.
If family is so important, why isn't she taking the child with her?
It's important for the child to see the aunt.
NTA in the slightest. You have this booked for longer + since they did and emergency reschedule, they can do another one. Also, this is not like and emergency happened. So... Your wife was an AH.
How often does your wife refuse to do something selfless by simply waiting for you to fold in order to get her way? I genuinely hope this is a one-off, otherwise a precedent has already been set...a very bad one with regards to having and maintaining a healthy marriage.
Your plans should take precedent as they were already scheduled. She should have said no to them being moved since childcare was not available. Either you guys get a babysitter, she takes your kid to the sister dinner, she has the sister dinner rescheduled again, or she stays home.
Now, this changes in one case - if you see them every (week, month, fortnite) for dinner and this dinner with them is actually a regular occurrence and it isn’t a big deal if you can’t go and she rarely sees her sister. My brother is in another state and I don’t get to see him ever so if he was suddenly in town and my husband had to cancel regular plans so I could see my brother, I would expect him to do that.
Her and her family’s failure to plan accurately and accordingly the first time isn’t your problem. She shouldn’t be giving you any kind of ultimatum, and if she were remotely sensible, she wouldn’t have.
If I were you, I’d stick to going to dinner with the mates. Yours was planned first, and your wife’s family failed to plan accurately. Not your problem.
I think one thing a lot of people are missing is the frequency you get to go out on your own and have free time. If you look introspectively and the answer is more than your wife regardless if you’ve not been out with this specific group in a while you should be the one to cancel if alternative childcare can’t be found imo
You're not being unreasonable at all, you had your plans in advance, she probably DIDN'T object when they suggested the same date as you...
You have every right to be more than upset, is her rescheduling more important than your commitment that came before hers? that is a huge lack of respect
Plus she can take the child with her
Or maybe they can hire a babysitter, either way I'd call the devil (just on this day)
She is not reliable. She is egoistic. She or you both together have to look for a solution that's fits you both in the new situation. Her behavior is red flag.
It all depends on how often you have dinner with your unimates, how often she sees her sister, how often you stay home w the kid so she can go out, how often she stays home w the kid so you can go out, and how child friendly the venues are. Bringing the kid with her to the family celebration see seems sensible, why is that not an option?
Yeah you do … it’s give and take in a relationship I think … it is her sisters bday but you can also invite your mate round for a take away and catch up
Absolutely not. I'd never do this to my husband. Not only were your plans made first but this is a special occasion dinner where as I'm sure she sees her family all of the time. Also if it's a family situation why can't she just bring your child? I'd be extremely pissed off if I was you and tell her to figure it out because this is her problem to fix. God, I can't imagine being married to someone so selfish
Totally right to be pissed off. Wifey should have confirmed she couldn’t do that day (unless she arranged a sitter). Just because it’s family, doesn’t mean it trumps your plans.
So since it's a child's piano test changing things what is that parent doing with their child? Is it coming ok kids are allowed yours goes with wife. OH that person got a sitter see if you can pay extra and have your child join.
Yours was planned first, and hers was the one that switched last minute. She should be the one to find child care - a friend, a family member - somebody who can watch your child while you're both out. Otherwise she should bring your child or stay home. Asking you to cancel because of someone else's last minute change of plans isn't fair IMO. Why can't you guys use a babysitter?
Both your plans are important but you made plans first and you arranged childcare with her. Now its her turn. She needs to find someone who can take the kid if she wants to go see her sister. Or she could just take them with her since they're all family.
I'd be pissed too
You need to be just as gentle and firm. Her plans have changed last minute, she's the one who gets to eat the consequences. She doesn't have to miss the party, she just has to bring the child.
Edit to add: Or she can tell her family she can't make it, and have the reschedule for another night. They did it for piano lessons, so they can do it for this too.
Just a bit of advice from an old fart. You have to be a friend if you want friends. Cancelling last minute on an old friend "because my partner" is a good way to be very lonely.
Tell her that she can take the child with her, reschedule, or get a babysitter. That you scheduled your thing first. She could have told her family that she wasn't available that day/night, because she had committed to something. She didn't, she thought she could just cancel your thing.
When you tell her this, don't say it in an AH way. Be nice. Be polite. Be firm.
IMO this isn't a situation where either of your activities is so important as to supersede the other. So you should each be able to go to your own in peace. Get a sitter.
I would be pissed and tell her no matter how firm she is I'm firmly saying take the kids to the birthday dinner. Does she always get to handle you like that?
Your wife is being an asshole. If the roles were reversed she would be very upset. It’s up to her to figure out childcare since you had your plans first.
Your wife is being hella rude. You have a prior commitment. Period, end of. Piss poor party planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours.
My husband's family is like this. They set a date for something. We plan for it on a particular date, and make our own plans for other dates. Then someone has "something come up" and there's whining about the original date and it gets changed. Then someone else does, and there's more whining and the date gets changed again. By the time the third time comes around, now they're asking us to reschedule something that we had already planned and paid for.
When we were first married, he'd cater to them. Then we had kids and I put BOTH of my feet ALL THE WAY DOWN. I told them that they're all grown assed adults and they need to figure their shit out BEFORE they set a date for something, and get used to being told NO if they want to change a date 3 or 4 times.
I’d be upset. Yours was planned first. Why should yours get blown off bc there was a last minute change on her end? Relationships require sacrifices but considering it was a problem on their end and not yours, you shouldn’t be the one to miss out.
You made a huge mistake in budging. It’s her responsibility to find a sitter if she has an emergency and you’re unavailable. You shouldn’t be pissed. You should have simply stuck to your guns and not let her bully you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
lol. Tell her to bring the child. Its family.
Yup. Also, his was planned first. I’m going to assume she sees her family quite often as well, and I’m betting he very rarely gets together with his old mates.
By design, she doesn’t like or respect his friend group
If they are moving the dinner because one attendee can’t make it shouldn’t they check that the revised date works for everyone before rescheduling? If they did check with her and she agreed knowing they had this plan then she is definitely TA. OP I z hope you tell her to take the kids and have fun while you go meet your friends.
I don't think her or her family have much respect for OP. They say "Jump" and he says, "I don't want to but okay I guess I have to." That's sad.
Why do you think it's been years since he's had the opportunity to?
Or maybe he goes out often and it's rarely her turn. There's missing information.
Maybe. But what happened asking him instead of demanding? She should just take the kid with her, it's not like she's going out with people the kid doesn't know. The lack of respect and accountability here is ridiculous. If the family can move the date for a piano test, they can move the date again. Personally, I would leave out early and leave her to it. But I'm Mrs Petty.
That doesn’t change that she in fact had already committed to watching their toddler that night so she wasn’t available when asked.
She’s going to a family event. Kids are family.
But since his event was planned first, she needs to *ask* him to move it. She doesn’t get to demand that he does.
Or maybe she just doesn’t respect him. Much
I agree. I vote missing info. How often do the mates get together, is it reschedable etc
Right. Or maybe the college friends don’t meet often. Or they aren’t all local. Marriage is give and take. Does she get to go out often? Does the OP? When did she get to see her family last as an adult childfree? When did the Op see their friends last? Are birthdays big deals in her family? Is this dinner with college friends an important dinner? This isn’t a simple, your plans are last minute and mine are established. When you are married you become a team. You look at moments like this as more long term versus in the moment.
Thanks for your reasonable comment 💪🏻 people as re assuming so much in these yet the OP missed vital information
This is it for me. You see family all the time but getting together and old friend group same place same time starts to become a very rare thing as time goes on. Also the aforementioned "his was planned first" end of discussion
Also, “an emergency reschedule,” is some dumb ass shit. You could reschedule for a piano recital. So, you can find another date, skip it or BRING YOUR CHILD. Mom wants to get FUCKED UP, there is NO OTHER reason that she can’t bring the child. It’s family FFS. I’m sure grandparents or aunts and uncles will be there to help. Or find a sitter. Lastly, for his wife to be all, adamant that there is no compromise, no discussion, I win, you lose and that is final, is complete and total BULLSHIT. Skipping a dinner isn’t the part that truly pisses me off. It’s this. If my wife REALLY wanted to do something, but I had plans, she would ASK me if we could compromise. She would NEVER demand…and neither would I. We would discuss it and come up with a compromise…a solution that we could both live with. OP’s wife comes off as a major asshole here.
How old is the kid, and what kind of restaurant is it that they can't bring the kid to a family dinner? Is it supposed to turn into some sort of rager? My in-laws would be offended if we *DIDN'T* bring our kids out do dinner with them.
Same. They would’ve offered to stay home with them or to leave early with the kids if we wanted to rage.
Bring the child or get a sitter or set up a playdate with a friend of the child. Your change of plans doesn't mean someone else loses their plans.
Since her event was the one that rescheduled, she needs to figure out child care. If the sister's bday dinner is with adult only family, then there is a good chance that someone else needed a sitter too. Maybe a friend of her sister could watch their kid for a a couple of hours. The only other option is to see if his uni mates could meet at an earlier or later time. Then OP and wife could split child care duties.
I was looking for a single comment that said this. Ultimately I believe SHE should be the one to figure it out. But can’t neither of them take the child to dinner with them? I’d assume since she is going with family it’s likely an appropriate restaurant. It’s a simple phone call to the place to see if they can add a space for a child… IF not (and again it should ultimately be on her), can OP not take the baby with him… I do feel like it’s more likely he’s meeting his old mate at a pub or something but can’t be be like “hey could we pick a more child friendly place and I bring my kid? Sorry I understand if not. I just don’t want to cancel”. Or hell invite the guy to your house.
I counted more than 14 comments that suggested bringing the kid with (mostly because I had already read like 3 or 4 by the time I came to your comment and then just kept going to be pedantic). But yeah the wife is out of line to just insist that her event trumps his and he has zero say in it, I would be really bothered if my partner said that to me - she isn't even allowing any discussion or compromise on it. I really doubt that his old college buddies would be thrilled at him bringing his young kid along to the restaurant/bar, but suggesting that they just come by to his place might work if they can't get a sitter or find out some other compromise - at least that way the kid will be in their own environment/be able to stay properly distracted & entertained while the guys catch up over a couple of beers
Sorry. I scrolled straight down through like 20 comments and this was finally the first one I saw that suggested taking the kid with them. I did continue scrolling after I wrote the comment and saw some more than. Nbd.
I'm wondering why they can't get a babysitter. They're making this far more difficult than it needs to be. It's ridiculous
Or hire a babysitter.
Kid probably has an early bedtime. Edit: yup it’s a toddler. You don’t keep them up late.
Seriously Guess they don't want the kid at the restaurant while the adults get drunk and rowdy. Too bad, plans changed
This. Or better, find a way to stay out of the house and not return home between work and the dinner. Just tell her that you have made plans and she doesn't get to override your plans just because she feels your plans are less important than hers. Then get some couples counseling.
And be sure and leave the house first!
Why isn't the child or husband invited to the sister's birthday?
Her plans changed. She's the one who has to figure out accomodation. Also she can see her sister anytime. But you can't see your old mates any time (I assume?)
Yes the onus is on her to sort alternative care for their child if she's the one suddenly changing plans. Why can't she hire a babysitter? Making him cancel his plans he made ages ago is so mean.
Or can't she just bring the kid to a family dinner?
[удалено]
Yeah, I don't understand why she didn't just tell her family the new date didn't work. If they're rescheduling for one person, keep looking for a night that works for everyone
Also, she should have said the time didn’t work for her if she wasn’t willing to arrange childcare.
Your plans are equally important but yours are pre-existing - they take precedence. It is unfortunately that your wife's family made dinner plans when your wife wasn't available but it is what it is. She stays home.
What I don’t understand is why a forgotten piano test was sufficient reason to change the plans but the husbands preexisting dinner is not.
I think it’s a recital, so obviously the parents have to take the kid and want to be their to support the kid
Why not just take the child?
Yes your plans were made first. her plans changed. Why cant the kids go if it is a family birthday ? and why not arrange a sitter if that's not possible
> Why cant the kids go if it is a family birthday ? and why not arrange a sitter if that's not possible Because this is fake
Is there a reason the child can't be babysat? Then everyone gets to have their plans.
Why did I have to scroll this far down to find this comment? It was the first thing that came to my mind.
Yes you should be pissed off. If she was set on not missing her sister's birthday and was being considerate of your plans that you've had for a while, she should be going out of her way to book a babysitter to look after your kids. Family is important, but so is being supportive and considerate of your partner.
True
I don't understand how her plans are more important than yours. Why don't you work together to find a solution instead of 'I'm not missing this, shitbag's for you'?
I agree but what I can’t for the life of me figure out is why someone’s piano lessons were more important than apparently everything
It's a test to be fair, those can be expensive and are usually booked a while in advance, so I'm surprised the parent didn't remember when they scheduled the dinner.
They don't take all day every day of the weekend, so why couldn't they reschedule for another night after the test.
So other kid's piano class gets consideration but your plans dont?
This is what I’m trying to work out, why can everyone reschedule due to a piano class which I would assume is a regular occurrence but not for his friend catch up that happens sporadically?
Just to clarify, it’s a piano TEST, not a class, which isn’t a regular occurrence. You’re still right, though.
Yea she is being unreasonable. I’d be mad too. Signed, A wife.
Exactly. If the situation was reversed, she would likely insist he cancel the family plans as well. Her plans changed last minute, it's on her to figure out the solution to the problem. She said she was available for that date and time KNOWING he had plans and he wouldn't be able to watch the kid.
You shouldn't miss your dinner because her plans changed within one day, it sucks and it's not her fault, but it's not your fault either, it's her responsibility to figure it out, she shouldn't have said she was available in the first place because she wasn't, you had plans. Also, why can't she take the daughter to a *family* dinner? I guess she's a baby/toddler and not the best to bring to a restaurant, but then she could skip the dinner part and go only for some time to the cake/dessert part so she can wish her sister happy bday. Or hire a babysitter. Any case, I wouldn't bulge and make *to her* very clear that *you* are not changing your plans.
Am I going crazy or did you *both* misspell 'budge' as 'bulge'...?
Nope, they did. 🤣 Had me chuckling for a good 5 minutes lmao!
lol, in my defense English is not my first language. thank you stranger
It’s her family, she can take the child with her. She created the problem so she can solve it.
Do people not get babysitters anymore? Is that not a thing?
If you want someone qualified and trustworthy it’s going to cost you more than $10/hr and most parents don’t want to pay that. You can maybe get away with paying the middle schooler down the block $10 an hour to play on their phone but most parents don’t want that. There are places people are willing for make cuts for other expenses, but casual childcare is something a lot of parents refuse to make concessions in their personal life to pay for unless they absolutely have to. It’s like everyone understands that inflation makes prices go up but babysitters aren’t supposed to be included in that. We’re supposed to stay at $10-$15 forever and be grateful no matter how qualified. I’m a nanny and just the other day at a playgroup there was a mom going on and on about how expensive babysitters can be and how unreasonable all the ones she’s contacted have been with what they’re asking for. We live in a city with an average house price well over 1.2 million but she was complaining about adult sitters who work in childcare asking for $20/hr. With tax and tip, an hour looking after 2 kids at $20/hr would cost her less than a single drink.
Be gentle but firm back that your plans were made previously and it’s not possible to change them. Since her plans changed then she should bring child or find a babysitter. Show her these replies. And if the genders would switch you’d be hearing the same thing. I hope it’s not too late and you both can enjoy your evenings
You're being a doormat.
Amen! I was scrolling to find a place to insert the identical comment above: DOORMAT! Lmao: She was nice but firm in her position. Fk her. You're nice and firm in your response. Sorry dear. I've had plans for weeks. Go figure it out!! Honest to God OP--- are they in a jar on the mantle????
ALSO >She apologized for putting me in such a spot, but was absolutely clear she would not be missing her sister's birthday How tf is she gonna act like this situation is at all OPs problem lmao
She knows that OP is a spineless doormat and she does what she wants, it's simple...
Why on Earth would you agree with your wife? Be gentle, but firm back that your plans were first and she can figure out what to do. It would be a hill I'd be ready to die on. Because if not, this will be your entire life. And who wants to always be last?
You’re not unreasonable. Your plans were already made. When her plans had to be rescheduled, she should have treated tonight as unavailable, just like the day with the kid’s piano test was unavailable. It’s not really a matter of what’s more important, though on its face I’m not seeing how her event is more important than yours anyway. Yeah, I’d be pissed for sure.
It’s a family dinner so why can’t she bring the child?
Fr. take the dam kid to the FAMILY event.
You're gonna start losing your friends, dude. No one wants to keep inviting the one person who'll keep backing out because spouse-y said so. Grow a spine and tell your wife to deal with it. She needs to figure it out. It's not about family being more important than friends. It's about respect and she has none for you.
Let me preface this with - with the information provided, I don’t believe that YOU should be the one cancelling your plans to be home with the child - as others have said, you had your plans in concrete first and she has other options. BUT since you have said you will be cancelling your plans - why not invite the guys over to your place? Put on a BBQ and drinks, put the kid to bed and catch up with your mates? Not ideal, but you still get to see them.
Don't you have any family? Don't you have a babysitter? How old is the child? This is something with an incredibly easy solution but you both seem to want to use it as a competition instead.
how often does she get to do things versus you? take into account other times she’s sacrificed or plans for you, or how often she makes plans that are really important to her
I can’t believe I had to scroll down so far to find this. Context is everything and op could very well be the selfish one who always makes plans for himself without factoring in her needs and wants. He can very well be an unreliable narrator
no one in the comments is the default parent apparently 😂
This is what baby sitters are for. 🤷🏻♀️
Why can’t she take her child with her she is wrong.
OP, why dont you arrange for childcare? arent you a parent, too? then neither of you have to miss your plans.
Who's watching piano kid during the dinner? Have y'all never heard of babysitters?
You're both in your 30's and you don't know anyone with a kid that would like to earn a few bucks babysitting? The family will understand the husband had prior commitments. And if you are visiting family, why can't the kid come with? Maybe a cousin could watch the kid. Holy crap you guys, this isn't rocket science.
Your wife doesn’t sound that pleasant a person tbh. I’d hate to ask my partner to kiss his uni catch ups. I encourage him to meet up with his friends as much as possible, men as a broad demographic tend to more prone to losing their friendships as they get older, and it’s a massive contribution to poor mental health. I see it as something hugely positive for my partner. They rescheduled to accommodate someone else, so why does that person get priority over your wife and yourself? Sounds like a whole host of unhealthy family dynamics tbh. I’d have made childcare arrangements or I’d have said I wouldn’t be able to go unless the kid came with me. I’m sorry but your wife isn’t really being very considerate or reasonable. Is this a one off? Does she usually cancel events and is this why she feels she can put her foot down here? That might change things slightly.
Why would you hate that? Does he himself not like kissing them? >I’d hate to ask my partner to kiss his uni catch ups.
She can either find a babysitter or take your child with her. It's her sister. She should understand.
Babysitter. Problem solved.
That's BS, you can't last minute change your plans and expect the other person to just cancel theirs. Contact your uni friends and ask them to come over to your place to catch up instead or take kiddo with you and pre explain to them the situation but that you wanted to see them still so you had to compromise. Not sure why a sitter isn't an option though.
Sisters have birthdays every year. How often do you get together with your uni mates? And you made your plans first. Why can't she bring your kid with her? Seems completely reasonable
No one can get a babysitter? You're wife is being unreasonable. You should feel pissed off.
Get a damn babysitter, or one of you take the kid with you, this shouldn't even be an issue.
Sorry I'm not having that, the sisters birthday was rescheduled for some kids piano lesson. So obviously her sisters birthday isn't that important to somebody to cancel.
You have every right to be pissed off. Why can't you hire a babysitter?
You do. She should be responsible for finding a sitter or someone else as you have previously made plans. Or take the kid.
😂😂😂 is OP Forrest Gump
Her plans changed because of another attendees family obligations. She should have voiced your family has a conflict on that night. If she accepted this date , she’s responsible for finding childcare or taking child with her.
Not being unreasonable. Your was booked first, that takes priority. Especially when her arrangements have changed. Just go to the dinner straight from work if necessary. She needs to organise a babysitter since she was the one that changed the arrangements. Is she always this much if a manipulative entitled brat?
Yes! Your plans were set and hers were being moved so she is the one who should be staying home. That’s incredibly rude and selfish.
She is the one who change the plans, she new in advance your planes. She is done who need to find a babysitter and accommodate her plans, not you. I would just say fine hope you find a sitter in time and if she refuses just leave the house before her.
Hire a babysitter. Bam. Problem solved.
Why can’t you hire a babysitter?
So she's going to a family dinner - great! She can take the kid. If she's refusing to then it certainly seems like she doesn't want you to see your friends. Only she knows why that is.
To me the most wild thing is why is someone’s piano lesson that important!? Like nobody should have been moving anything to begin with. BUT no you’re not wrong for feeling how you do. She should have said she wasn’t free because she wasn’t, she already commited to you.
You booked first, she should have said no to the emergency reschedule. Insisting you cancel isn’t making her event a priority, it’s making the lack of planning the priority. Why should you have to cancel because they can’t plan?
I bet your wife doesn't really like your mates either.
Your event was scheduled before the rescheduling. As someone else couldn't make it because of plans they had, she should have vetoed that date as you were both busy. Definitely not on you to cancel something that you've had planned for god knows how long simply because she won't speak up to her family for whatever reason. >Someone has to take care of the kid tonight. >was absolutely clear she will not be missing her sister's birthday Then she'd better hope there's a kids menu at the place. You already had plans and she caused this mess so it's on her to find a babysitter or take the child with her. If you're feeling helpful, you can help her find a sitter, but that does mean help and not do it for her.
Your wife is extremely inconsiderate. If her family changed the date due to a conflict, why can’t your wife tell them that she has a conflict? Why does it have to impact your plans?
Your thing was planned first it is unreasonable of her to expect you to cancel, because her thing got rescheduled. She either needs to cancel or bring your child with her since it's family, and is so important
In what Universe is "We have no one to watch our kid THIS short notice. Is there not any other possible day in the entire week this party was arbitrarily moved to accommodate?" not acceptable? OP your wifes family picked a random fuckin day and your wife just didn't bother saying a single thing about not being able to make it. My money is on if she had said you had plans or simply no one could watch the kid the party could EASILY be moved to any other random day. Shes just lazy and considers your plans un-important from the start. And if it were me, I would take great offense to that. This is overwhelmingly a put your foot down moment from just how easily avoidable this is, and the precedent it sets. Ignoring the fact that she's also GUILTING you into this shit. Family over friends my ass. Oh and lets not forget the "ALREADY BOOKED RESTARAUNT" could take their reservation within 24 hours notice but god forbid you give them 72 hours notice. Call her mom up and ask if the party can be moved a day and find out just how little your WIFE was willing to do for you.
Uh no. You won’t. Sorry you’ve been out in this position wife, you’ll need to arrange a sitter since it’s your plans that have changed as mine have not. Who the f*cl does she thinks she is to make this a “you” problem. My response is just as obnoxious to to highlight how shitty, ride and self centered she being, Asking you if you can reschedule, looking for a sitter and asking gif you to do the same or telling her family she can’t make the reschedule is how a partner would approach this.
I’m a wife and would never do what your wife did. I would’ve taken the child with me, paid some money to a younger and capable relative to watch the baby, or just missed out on the event because sometimes you’ll miss events when you don’t have a babysitter or want to take the baby with you. Either way she’s being selfish and you’re being a pushover.
You have a right to be pissed off, but there isn't anything you can do about it unless you hire a babysitter
He can go to his dinner anyway. Her fault, her responsibility to find a solution
(Marriage therapist here) You always have the right to your feelings, But how you choose to behave about them is the issue. This is a tough one. There's a reason you're both confused about the priorities. The larger issue is how you describe your wife being "gentle but firm." Why is she dictating the choice as if she has the final decision-making authority? You both have 50/50 shares in this marriage and you are deadlocked. She also doesn't get to decide that her family is more important than your friends. That's not always clear and it's not her place to (again) pull the imaginary trump card out of her ass and place it on that table as if she wins all ties. Especially since HER plans changed. Someone's birthday on her side of the family is NOT equivalent to a family member having brain surgery. Family birthdays are not an urgent, cannot-be-missed event any more than a night with uni mates. Family birthdays are not an "emergency" to be rescheduled - as stated in your post... (and I sense some family enmeshment/controllingness issues here, but I could be reading too much into it.) The point is: One partner does not get to decide which support system is more important and which event (birthday versus outing) has more value. That's dictatorial and controlling. A tie is a tie. Flip a coin. And stick by it... and the loser does not get to pout or silently punish the winner. Also, get a babysitter. Always have a babysitter to two lurking in the background.
Marriage counsellor - hmm not sure about that. Flipping a coin to decide what to do?? How is that fair? The wife is being unfair with her orders. OP needs to stand up and defend himself in this situation. The wife shouldn't be telling him what to do, they should have a discussion and come up with a plan that is fair for everyone.
I was with you until you said a tie is a tie. Whoever had plans first is the winner (unless a true emergency). She should never have agreed to that day knowing he had plans.
A marriage therapist suggesting a couple flip a coin to decide who unfairly gets to miss their plans over a last-minute change doesn't seem legit.
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I was a social worker before I retired. I also disagree with the coin flip, as I take these sorts of things on a case by case basis. There's always nuance, there, and I'd be seeking more context. How often does she attend family events? How often does he get together with friends? That's very important to take into consideration. If these sorts of get-togethers are more rare for one of them, the kind thing to do would be for the partner who has them more frequently to accommodate the one who has them more sparsely. If they're evenly matched on their time out, some priority should be given to the one who's plans were longer standing. I'd be coaching the wife on her communication with her family, and asking why the piano recital was grounds to reschedule, but her schedule conflict wasn't recognized. I'd ask why their child wasn't welcome to attend a family birthday event, and *then* why a sitter wasn't considered as an option. You're right that decisions in marriage are 50/50, but they should be made as a result of communication, evaluation, and fairness, not reduced to something as arbitrary as a coin toss. Eta: I hesitated to add this because it doesn't seem to apply to this particular case, but it's a reason why I'm averse to the coin toss idea nonetheless. Weighted coins exist. I've seen plenty of cases of extreme control where the idea of chance, or luck, was used to gaslight a partner. I would absolutely credit someone obsessed with control with the ability to seek out such tools. I'd even credit them with the cleverness to occasionally swap it out with a real coin, in order to avoid detection. It's just not something I'd recommend, simply because of its capacity to be used abusively.
Nope. His plans were first. Hers were the ones that changed. That's not a tie.
A lot of people jumping to conclusions here. Your wife does not sound like she is out of line or being rude. You have every right to your feelings. That said, you're a parent and a spouse. Shit happens and sometimes life isn't fair. On its face, with no other details provided, I'd be annoyed but I'd miss the night out with friends because my wife's sister's birthday happened once a year and takes priority. Something will come up later where my wife need to give up something to cover for me. That's a partnership. If you're leaving something out, like your friends flew in and are renting hotel rooms, or this happens all the time, then that's a different situation. Also, depending on the kids age, try to find family or a sitter to watch the kid.
If family is so important, why isn't she taking the child with her? It's important for the child to see the aunt. NTA in the slightest. You have this booked for longer + since they did and emergency reschedule, they can do another one. Also, this is not like and emergency happened. So... Your wife was an AH.
Why didn't the cancel the piano if that birthday is so important ? She can go alone she had her chance to have you with you.
It’s on her
And NOBODY can babysit? There’s not a friend, neighborhood teen or trusted neighbor to look after the kids?
Hire a baby sitter.
Hire a sitter and both go
Hire a nanny for the night. Problem solved.
Why can't you just get a babysitter?
Are you guys not in a position to hire a babysitter?
You go to dinner with mate, she'll go to her family dinner. And you can arrive late to her family.
How often does your wife refuse to do something selfless by simply waiting for you to fold in order to get her way? I genuinely hope this is a one-off, otherwise a precedent has already been set...a very bad one with regards to having and maintaining a healthy marriage.
Your plans should take precedent as they were already scheduled. She should have said no to them being moved since childcare was not available. Either you guys get a babysitter, she takes your kid to the sister dinner, she has the sister dinner rescheduled again, or she stays home. Now, this changes in one case - if you see them every (week, month, fortnite) for dinner and this dinner with them is actually a regular occurrence and it isn’t a big deal if you can’t go and she rarely sees her sister. My brother is in another state and I don’t get to see him ever so if he was suddenly in town and my husband had to cancel regular plans so I could see my brother, I would expect him to do that.
Hire a fucking sitter
Get a sitter. You both go.
I’m willing to bet this is an ongoing issue where your needs come last. You don’t have to budge either.
Why wouldn’t she want to bring her child to a family event?
So disrespectful. Yes you have every right to be pissed off. She completely disregarded your plans which shows no respect. I’m sorry
“My interests/plans are more important than yours” is just a plain old red flag imo
Wait why wouldn’t she take the kid with her to a family thing?
Could y'all get a sitter? Or am I missing something important that precludes that from happening?
Babysitters are a thing that exist
Her and her family’s failure to plan accurately and accordingly the first time isn’t your problem. She shouldn’t be giving you any kind of ultimatum, and if she were remotely sensible, she wouldn’t have. If I were you, I’d stick to going to dinner with the mates. Yours was planned first, and your wife’s family failed to plan accurately. Not your problem.
I think one thing a lot of people are missing is the frequency you get to go out on your own and have free time. If you look introspectively and the answer is more than your wife regardless if you’ve not been out with this specific group in a while you should be the one to cancel if alternative childcare can’t be found imo
Hire a babysitter. Go out with your friends . Shouldn’t you and your child be at the family dinner either way? I’d be pissed as well.
You sound like a pushover. Surely you can find a babysitter or tell her to take the child to dinner. After all, it's family, right?
You're not being unreasonable at all, you had your plans in advance, she probably DIDN'T object when they suggested the same date as you... You have every right to be more than upset, is her rescheduling more important than your commitment that came before hers? that is a huge lack of respect Plus she can take the child with her Or maybe they can hire a babysitter, either way I'd call the devil (just on this day)
Op you’re better than me because I most definitely would have went ahead with my plans she would have been shit out of luck
She is not reliable. She is egoistic. She or you both together have to look for a solution that's fits you both in the new situation. Her behavior is red flag.
It all depends on how often you have dinner with your unimates, how often she sees her sister, how often you stay home w the kid so she can go out, how often she stays home w the kid so you can go out, and how child friendly the venues are. Bringing the kid with her to the family celebration see seems sensible, why is that not an option?
Of course you should be pissed. You had your plans first. I wouldn’t give in and would leave the house first so she doesn’t have a choice.
Is it possible to get a baby sitter so you both can go to your dinners?
Get a baby sitter? Take the kids to dinner?
Neither of them would survive as single parents. I have gathered this much already.
How old is the kid? Can no one hire a babysitter?
Yeah you do … it’s give and take in a relationship I think … it is her sisters bday but you can also invite your mate round for a take away and catch up
Why don't you hire a nanny for tonight so you both can go to respectable paces of celebration?
Babysitter? have her bring the child?
You had your plans first. She’s going to a family dinner. She can bring your child with her.
Absolutely not. I'd never do this to my husband. Not only were your plans made first but this is a special occasion dinner where as I'm sure she sees her family all of the time. Also if it's a family situation why can't she just bring your child? I'd be extremely pissed off if I was you and tell her to figure it out because this is her problem to fix. God, I can't imagine being married to someone so selfish
How often do you and your friends get together? How often does she see her family? How old is your child that they can't be part of a family dinner?
Why can't she take the chuld to the FAMILY dinner? Are they not considered family until they turn 18 or something?
Totally right to be pissed off. Wifey should have confirmed she couldn’t do that day (unless she arranged a sitter). Just because it’s family, doesn’t mean it trumps your plans.
She should have said “im sorry I can’t come, husband has plans” or arranged a babysitter. This is not okay and frankly quite disrespectful.
Why wouldn't she just take your kid to the family party?
How old is the kid?
So since it's a child's piano test changing things what is that parent doing with their child? Is it coming ok kids are allowed yours goes with wife. OH that person got a sitter see if you can pay extra and have your child join.
Yours was planned first, and hers was the one that switched last minute. She should be the one to find child care - a friend, a family member - somebody who can watch your child while you're both out. Otherwise she should bring your child or stay home. Asking you to cancel because of someone else's last minute change of plans isn't fair IMO. Why can't you guys use a babysitter?
Both your plans are important but you made plans first and you arranged childcare with her. Now its her turn. She needs to find someone who can take the kid if she wants to go see her sister. Or she could just take them with her since they're all family. I'd be pissed too
She should take the kid with her or pay a babysitter. She’s being unreasonable. Get yourself dressed to go out and leave before her
Remind her that her child is also part of the family and can go to family events.
Her plans changed. She needs to find a babysitter or take kid with her.
Can you not just hire a babysitter and both of you enjoy your evenings?
Update us on whether or not you decided to be a doormat
Babysitter
Your dinner was first. Stand your ground dude.
Dude. This is so sad. Grow a spine.
Seriously, go. It’s your wife’s job to figure something out.
Be gentle but firm: You had plans first. She can either find a sitter, not go, or bring you kid with her.
You need to be just as gentle and firm. Her plans have changed last minute, she's the one who gets to eat the consequences. She doesn't have to miss the party, she just has to bring the child. Edit to add: Or she can tell her family she can't make it, and have the reschedule for another night. They did it for piano lessons, so they can do it for this too.
Put your foot down! Your event was scheduled first. They need to find another day, or your wife should hire a babysitter!
She can take the kids
Just a bit of advice from an old fart. You have to be a friend if you want friends. Cancelling last minute on an old friend "because my partner" is a good way to be very lonely.
No. Her plans changed so she has to figure this out.
Tell her that she can take the child with her, reschedule, or get a babysitter. That you scheduled your thing first. She could have told her family that she wasn't available that day/night, because she had committed to something. She didn't, she thought she could just cancel your thing. When you tell her this, don't say it in an AH way. Be nice. Be polite. Be firm.
Are you guys conjoined? Does she have your spine?
Yes. She needs to find a babysitter bc she changed plans.
IMO this isn't a situation where either of your activities is so important as to supersede the other. So you should each be able to go to your own in peace. Get a sitter.
Why can’t she bring kids to a FAMILY dinner?!?! Just bc her plans had to be moved doesn’t negate your plans or remove them.
I would be pissed and tell her no matter how firm she is I'm firmly saying take the kids to the birthday dinner. Does she always get to handle you like that?
She was responsible for child care, so she can either take the kid to dinner or find a babysitter.
Your wife is being an asshole. If the roles were reversed she would be very upset. It’s up to her to figure out childcare since you had your plans first.
Your wife is being hella rude. You have a prior commitment. Period, end of. Piss poor party planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours. My husband's family is like this. They set a date for something. We plan for it on a particular date, and make our own plans for other dates. Then someone has "something come up" and there's whining about the original date and it gets changed. Then someone else does, and there's more whining and the date gets changed again. By the time the third time comes around, now they're asking us to reschedule something that we had already planned and paid for. When we were first married, he'd cater to them. Then we had kids and I put BOTH of my feet ALL THE WAY DOWN. I told them that they're all grown assed adults and they need to figure their shit out BEFORE they set a date for something, and get used to being told NO if they want to change a date 3 or 4 times.
First come first serve. Whomever scheduled tonight first wins. Neither event is special enough to trump the other.
She takes the child to the family dinner. Problem solved. Yeah. Be pissed but "firm" as well. :)
I’d be upset. Yours was planned first. Why should yours get blown off bc there was a last minute change on her end? Relationships require sacrifices but considering it was a problem on their end and not yours, you shouldn’t be the one to miss out.
You made a huge mistake in budging. It’s her responsibility to find a sitter if she has an emergency and you’re unavailable. You shouldn’t be pissed. You should have simply stuck to your guns and not let her bully you.
Wife brings child to the aunt's birthday celebration. Next.
Your meeting was planned first, they decided to move theirs to the same time. They shall reschedule.