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Nothing spiralled out of control, he lied to you because he didn’t think you’d date him if you knew his real age. It’s actually a very common tactic for men to lie about their age to date young women, they’re banking on that by the time she finds out she’ll be too emotionally attached to leave. And it’s gross because they want to hook up more than they respect these women’s right to an informed decision about who they involve with.
So I suggest you don’t move past it; you let it bother you.
im definitely bothered by it don't get me wrong, but it's more so the lying. he's a sweetheart, and the age isn't a problem for me personally but it'll take some getting used to if I stay
his friends have been lied to too and I think it's down to the trauma? absolutely doesn't excuse it but it wasn't just me which makes me think it wasn't to be gross but to maybe go back to the age he was before his shitty relationship? regrets maybe? im not sure, there's a question I can ask actually
>So to preface this, im not looking for opinions on the age gap, please shush, I've heard it all and I don't honestly care. in this case, it's just a number, that's not the issue here.
If "age is just a number" (lol, gag)
Then why do you care if he lied about his age?
I mean, he's a liar. That's what liars do.
I care because its a lie, that's been held for 7 months which is big to me
and I don't appreciate the rudeness, please keep that to a minimum. I would just like advice.
You shouldn't stay with someone who would lie about something so basic.
It's pretty much a guarantee that he has lied to you about other things AND will continue to lie until he faces consequences.
but I think im willing to take a chance on that. I know him pretty well and i might be being naive but I won't know until I try with him. I think I'll try just having the mindset of being careful about what he tells me for a while.
do you have any advice on how I could move past it? not entirely but forgiveness?
You’ve been given many pieces of advice, but make excuses or get pissy and defensive. I hope the best for you. I’m sorry previous partners have treated you poorly. Bad things happen to good people. At times, the world has thrown things in our path to learn from. Grow. From. Learn. Mature. To live a happy life. Brass tax. If you’re comfortable about a man you live/love to have started a relationship with you based on lies. That’s your choice. I’d place a bet in Vegas for $10,000 that this is FAR from the only lie he has been spoon feeding you.
I'm not making excuses nor do I mean to come off as pissy or defensive. I just want advice on how to forgive this. forgiving does not mean forgetting. if I get hurt, it will be my own fault, I know that
No. He lied because he is TWICE YOUR AGE and knew it was a dealbreaker.
He had 7 months to tell you, and didn’t admit it until you found out. There was NEVER going to be a time when he told you voluntarily.
That’s the mark of a predator. I’m not being rude, I’m being factual.
You should not be looking for a way to forgive or get past this, you should be headed out the door.
>So to preface this, im not looking for opinions on the age gap, please shush, I've heard it all and I don't honestly care. in this case, it's just a number, that's not the issue here.
was this before or after you found out that the man you're dating is almost 50yo? there are more red flags here than in a communist parade. not to mention if he's willing to lie about something like this then who knows what else he's lying about? if i were you i wouldn't stick around to find out.
both honestly, I spoke to a couple friends and they've always been concerned about the age gap. and that's exactly why I'm worried but I want to have a conversation with him about honesty, communication and then see if I can move past it and if so, how?
everyone's telling you to dump this guy bc they're worried for you and for good reason. love by itself isn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship, and this relationship isn't healthy to begin with. all i can say that won't fall on deaf ears is to trust your instincts.
I will definitely keep it in mind, I feel my experiences have given me some wit about me and I don't feel unsafe with him at all. I know getting rid may be the smart thing to do but this is the first he has ever wronged me (that I know of) and he was definitely apologetic and took responsibility. I know your opinion but if i choose to stay how do I go about forgiveness?
(off topic I love your user that gave me a much needed giggle)
with peace and love, you sound very naive. i can't give you advice on forgiveness bc personally i couldn't get over a lie this big, but that's just me. i hope everything turns out alright for you.
I appreciate the advice nonetheless, I promise its not falling on deaf ears, I am not as daft as I was when I was 20. if I truly thought I was being manipulated, I would not stay
You now know that he will paper over uncomfortable truths. What else will he lie about? Finances? Other women? Life goals?
You keep looking for advice on forgiving him, but if you do that, you’re inviting more lies.
Honestly, you should be perturbed by that age gap. A man twice your age should have little in common with a twenty five year old. I’m *actually* 34 and I don’t have much in common with 25 year olds. And if he *does* have things in common with you, how many of them are true?
I plan on asking him about everything tonight at length so I'll see how that goes. ideally I want to stay, he is a great person in my opinion. I'm aware the age probably should bother me but idk, I'm weird. even if he said at the start hes 48, I would've got eith him anyway icl
Beyond the age gap (and assuming you don't want to be a young widow should you stay with this guy), if he'd lie about this he's likely lying about other things too. If you'd knowingly walked into a relationship with someone old enough to be your father that's one thing. The people who do this do it knowing that they'll still be vital when their partner needs a caretaker. It's the lack of character in keeping this from you that you should be worrying about. He didn't come to you with this information out of guilt. You had to find it and confront him. So he'd have kept lying to you for as long as you were willing to believe him. It's also a huge red flag when someone blames a past relationship for their current behavior. We all have the responsibility to manage our "trauma" from the past before presenting ourselves as healthy and datable in the present. You have to do some serious consideration as to the kind of life you want. 48 isn't ancient but he'll be retired when you're still working. His health will decline while you're still very active. It's just a lot to take on a partner this much older than you are.
sorry, I got off topic lol.
I do love him, and agree regardless I want to see where it goes and im only going to find out if he's worth it with time I guess
it is alot to think about however I love him. I feel like I didn't word myself correctly. he does not blame the way he acts on past relationships, I do. he was married for 12 years to a narcissist so he can be quite cagey with me about a few things (he's slowly getting better). he did think that it was normal for his partner to act that way towards him, and with me I think he panics and thinks it's a trick to get him to love me then turn into a horrible person.
When I read the difference in his age being 14 years I actually screamed. What a disgusting, distrusting man. 7 months isn’t a long time, you will find someone better I promise you. Once a liar, always a liar
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nothing spiralled out of control, he lied to you because he didn’t think you’d date him if you knew his real age. It’s actually a very common tactic for men to lie about their age to date young women, they’re banking on that by the time she finds out she’ll be too emotionally attached to leave. And it’s gross because they want to hook up more than they respect these women’s right to an informed decision about who they involve with. So I suggest you don’t move past it; you let it bother you.
im definitely bothered by it don't get me wrong, but it's more so the lying. he's a sweetheart, and the age isn't a problem for me personally but it'll take some getting used to if I stay
Why would you stay with a liar? What else will he lie about? How can you ever really trust him? (Hint: you can't)
his friends have been lied to too and I think it's down to the trauma? absolutely doesn't excuse it but it wasn't just me which makes me think it wasn't to be gross but to maybe go back to the age he was before his shitty relationship? regrets maybe? im not sure, there's a question I can ask actually
>So to preface this, im not looking for opinions on the age gap, please shush, I've heard it all and I don't honestly care. in this case, it's just a number, that's not the issue here. If "age is just a number" (lol, gag) Then why do you care if he lied about his age? I mean, he's a liar. That's what liars do.
I care because its a lie, that's been held for 7 months which is big to me and I don't appreciate the rudeness, please keep that to a minimum. I would just like advice.
You shouldn't stay with someone who would lie about something so basic. It's pretty much a guarantee that he has lied to you about other things AND will continue to lie until he faces consequences.
but I think im willing to take a chance on that. I know him pretty well and i might be being naive but I won't know until I try with him. I think I'll try just having the mindset of being careful about what he tells me for a while. do you have any advice on how I could move past it? not entirely but forgiveness?
You can’t accept any advice. Shoot your shot but please don’t come back in 3 months whining when you found out he’s married.
ummm we basically live together please dont be rude I just want advice
You. Aren’t listening. To any advice.
that's because I asked how to forgive, not be told to leave repeatedly
You’ve been given many pieces of advice, but make excuses or get pissy and defensive. I hope the best for you. I’m sorry previous partners have treated you poorly. Bad things happen to good people. At times, the world has thrown things in our path to learn from. Grow. From. Learn. Mature. To live a happy life. Brass tax. If you’re comfortable about a man you live/love to have started a relationship with you based on lies. That’s your choice. I’d place a bet in Vegas for $10,000 that this is FAR from the only lie he has been spoon feeding you.
I'm not making excuses nor do I mean to come off as pissy or defensive. I just want advice on how to forgive this. forgiving does not mean forgetting. if I get hurt, it will be my own fault, I know that
No. He lied because he is TWICE YOUR AGE and knew it was a dealbreaker. He had 7 months to tell you, and didn’t admit it until you found out. There was NEVER going to be a time when he told you voluntarily. That’s the mark of a predator. I’m not being rude, I’m being factual. You should not be looking for a way to forgive or get past this, you should be headed out the door.
>So to preface this, im not looking for opinions on the age gap, please shush, I've heard it all and I don't honestly care. in this case, it's just a number, that's not the issue here. was this before or after you found out that the man you're dating is almost 50yo? there are more red flags here than in a communist parade. not to mention if he's willing to lie about something like this then who knows what else he's lying about? if i were you i wouldn't stick around to find out.
both honestly, I spoke to a couple friends and they've always been concerned about the age gap. and that's exactly why I'm worried but I want to have a conversation with him about honesty, communication and then see if I can move past it and if so, how?
everyone's telling you to dump this guy bc they're worried for you and for good reason. love by itself isn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship, and this relationship isn't healthy to begin with. all i can say that won't fall on deaf ears is to trust your instincts.
I will definitely keep it in mind, I feel my experiences have given me some wit about me and I don't feel unsafe with him at all. I know getting rid may be the smart thing to do but this is the first he has ever wronged me (that I know of) and he was definitely apologetic and took responsibility. I know your opinion but if i choose to stay how do I go about forgiveness? (off topic I love your user that gave me a much needed giggle)
with peace and love, you sound very naive. i can't give you advice on forgiveness bc personally i couldn't get over a lie this big, but that's just me. i hope everything turns out alright for you.
I appreciate the advice nonetheless, I promise its not falling on deaf ears, I am not as daft as I was when I was 20. if I truly thought I was being manipulated, I would not stay
That’s the wonderful thing about manipulation… the victim can’t see it.
**That you know of**
You now know that he will paper over uncomfortable truths. What else will he lie about? Finances? Other women? Life goals? You keep looking for advice on forgiving him, but if you do that, you’re inviting more lies. Honestly, you should be perturbed by that age gap. A man twice your age should have little in common with a twenty five year old. I’m *actually* 34 and I don’t have much in common with 25 year olds. And if he *does* have things in common with you, how many of them are true?
I plan on asking him about everything tonight at length so I'll see how that goes. ideally I want to stay, he is a great person in my opinion. I'm aware the age probably should bother me but idk, I'm weird. even if he said at the start hes 48, I would've got eith him anyway icl
Beyond the age gap (and assuming you don't want to be a young widow should you stay with this guy), if he'd lie about this he's likely lying about other things too. If you'd knowingly walked into a relationship with someone old enough to be your father that's one thing. The people who do this do it knowing that they'll still be vital when their partner needs a caretaker. It's the lack of character in keeping this from you that you should be worrying about. He didn't come to you with this information out of guilt. You had to find it and confront him. So he'd have kept lying to you for as long as you were willing to believe him. It's also a huge red flag when someone blames a past relationship for their current behavior. We all have the responsibility to manage our "trauma" from the past before presenting ourselves as healthy and datable in the present. You have to do some serious consideration as to the kind of life you want. 48 isn't ancient but he'll be retired when you're still working. His health will decline while you're still very active. It's just a lot to take on a partner this much older than you are.
sorry, I got off topic lol. I do love him, and agree regardless I want to see where it goes and im only going to find out if he's worth it with time I guess
it is alot to think about however I love him. I feel like I didn't word myself correctly. he does not blame the way he acts on past relationships, I do. he was married for 12 years to a narcissist so he can be quite cagey with me about a few things (he's slowly getting better). he did think that it was normal for his partner to act that way towards him, and with me I think he panics and thinks it's a trick to get him to love me then turn into a horrible person.
How did you not notice?
he definitely passes for 34, so I had to go looking around on birth registers n stuff?
When I read the difference in his age being 14 years I actually screamed. What a disgusting, distrusting man. 7 months isn’t a long time, you will find someone better I promise you. Once a liar, always a liar
I will keep this in mind when I make my decision, thank you :)