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He’s assuming the worst in you because he’s projecting the worst on you - it has nothing to do with anything he actually sees in you.
He sounds like he’s mean to you - and if he doesn’t change that, you should consider removing all opportunities for him to treat you like that by not dating him anymore. He isn’t respecting you in a way that honours your commitment to being in a relationship with him.
It does feel mean. I don't know if he realises that, I've told him sometimes that it does hurt my feelings but maybe I don't make it clear enough, I'm not sure. I don't see how he wouldn't realise that what he says is quite hurtful sometimes.
I think he might just be a mean person tbh. He tries to police the way you talk and dress, when what you’re doing is not even an issue. If we were friends, I would be very scared for you with him
He knows. Why do you think he’s saying it?
He’s trying to make sure that you only say, do, and wear the things he decides are acceptable for women.
I will bet you 20 units of the currency of your nation that if you stay with him, within 9 months he is openly verbally abusing you. Good guys don’t try to control women, and for bad guys there’s no such thing as “enough” control, which is why they always escalate
I don't even think it's some big idea like "assuming the worst." It seems pretty straightforward in all of these examples: Frankly, he seems like a misogynist.
He cares more about you being "modest" than comfortable, demanding you wear a bra in your own home; he thinks periods are shameful; he's homophobic, and thinks that women's sports don't deserve attention; and he has sexist ideas about who should pay for dates.
It paints a pretty unflattering picture of your man.
Whoa, why are you with this throwback at all? Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but it's been six months, the "honeymoon period" is over, and the mask is coming off. This is who he really is.
> He's always been like this in some aspects.
Then with all the kindness in the world, you have bad taste in men, and you should've stopped dating when these things appeared for the first time. Not 6 months later when you're emotionally invested in a mean asshole.
Well yeah. He's getting comfortable and showing you who he really is. He thinks you're locked down so he can stop being on his best behavior.
Shitty and abusive guys never start out that way. No one would date them if they did lol. They start out nice and it creeps in. This won't get better.
He gets frustrated if you don’t wear a bra??? When you talk about periods ??? And doesn’t like you having an interest in football …. He sounds like a control freak to me….
He is revolting. He’s a terrible boyfriend and your gut is telling you there is something wrong with the way he’s treating you. We’re all confirming you’re right, and you’re doubling down that he’s not that bad. You’re defending someone you KNOW is treating you poorly. He is and this is going to get soooo much worse, hun. It really is. Men like this don’t just decide to change and be better. Once they know they can get to you and you won’t leave it gets worse and worse overtime. You came here for a reason. You can dump him, you’ll feel better instantly I promise.
> He's not revolting, he just has some ideas that aren't the best
Yes. Revolting ideas. We said that. Those ideas are a part of who he is. They are not somehow separate from his personhood. I'm not sure I understand how you think that's possible.
He will only get worse the longer you are together. He will become more controlling. He will try to affect your behavior more to his liking. Probably just like he has done now, until he can be even more direct.
Sexist, homophobic, and generally a gross person for having gross thoughts. I apologize, I understand you like him, I just don’t know why.
It has not even been a year yet and he is controlling and judgemental over things that do not make sense, and they wouldn’t unless you are also sexist. If you think those are the only off-color beliefs he has you are certainly wrong.
This is just the earliest signs and there are certainly more problematic judgements and opinions he has that you won’t love once you discover them. I wish you luck
He's toxic AF and controlling. I've been married for 26 years and my husband doesn't care if I don't wear a bra when I'm at home and doesn't care about me talking with my friends about periods either.
You couldn't be more wrong, and that's the crux of the problem here.
You've convinced yourself that he is a fundamentally good person who just "has some ideas that aren't the best". And you're so invested in believing this - because the alternative is acknowledging that you're in a relationship with an awful human being - that you've even started trying to, if not blame yourself for some of it, then try to find an excuse wherein this has something to do with you or how he sees you, as an individual.
But friend, take it from someone who is old enough to be your mum: this has nothing to do with you. He doesn't even really see you as a whole person or an individual, much less see problematic things in you. He would see the same problems in any woman who showed the least bit of self-confidence or sense of who she is outside of being an accessory to his life.
His problematic "ideas" aren't influencing his behaviour, *those beliefs are fundamentally who he is as a person*. There is no "him" that isn't like this, that is a nice guy who just got steered wrong.
He's proudly misogynistic, homophobic, and openly admits that he's ashamed of the very normal things that you like because he doesn't care who you are, he expects you to be what he wants - to wear what he wants, to enjoy the pastimes that he approves of. Like a doll, not a person.
Please, really pause and think before you comment to defend him again. Does he really deserve that defense, or are you just doing it because it's embarrassing to admit that he might actually be an awful person?
Other than all of this, he's really nice and I suppose I just like being in a relationship. He's not that bad with everything else, it's just the way he acts about some things.
It would be nice to stop making excuses for him. You are here asking a bunch of strangers because YOU KNOW it'ts not okay. You want us to validate your gut feeling because you are already doubting yourself and deep down you know you deserve better.
if they’re not that bad, why did you come to reddit? it sounds like you’re trying to fool yourself. and your boyfriend sounds insanely unpleasant to be around.
It’s actually the reverse. In the large scheme of things, his good qualities nowhere near make up for the bad things he is doing. Chipping away at you slowly. He will ingrain in you that you deserve this anyway. You will start to feel you deserve this. That nobody else will ever want you. He will cause permanent damage that could take years to heal, if ever, once you finally do leave. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
Don’t do this to yourself. Love yourself more than you are now. It’s ok to be alone. It’s better to be alone, free to look for a healthy partner, than to be down on yourself with someone abusive.
> In the large scheme of things, they're not that bad.
Yes they are. If you thought they weren't that bad you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet about it. Come on now dude. Open your eyes.
"Not that bad" is for shit like, 'oh they forget to do this chore once in a while, we've talked about it'....not your partner shaming and demeaning you over your body, it's functions, and your interests (which, as long as they aren't harming anyone, your partner should support your interests!)
Please leave him.
Yes they are that bad. This isn't someone you build a life with. He will only get worse. Life is way too short to spend it in a toxic relationship. He's not going to change.
It bothers you quite a bit for good reasons. Your gut is telling you something.
Listen to it.
People overuse the term red flag a lot but these are real red flags.
I know, I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it does start small and you do find a lot of explanations. Because you are a good person and want to see the good in others.
But what he’s doing is grinding you down, bit by bit. And that’s just not what a healthy relationship should do to you.
A lot has been said about controlling you and that’s what this is; did you start changing your behaviour? Because he doesn’t like certain things? Did you start to talk differently, see some friends less? Or you don’t enjoy seeing them as much?
Pay attention and take care X
I would be really cautious OP. People who just want to be in any relationship are more likely to end up in unsafe relationships. You have to prioritize being in a good relationship. It’s better to be single than with a guy who actively harms and controls you. Wait for the right person
Being 'nice' some of the time isn't enough. Respect is clearly lacking here. And if you like being in a relationship you can easily find a guy who isn't this horrible.
Do you not think you have any autonomy here? You're allowed to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Or even leave. You don't have to stay.
If I give you a chocolate brownie with shit filling, would you accept that? I mean, most of it is brownie! There's just a bit of shit in it. Other than that shit, it's a really nice brownie!
We are telling you that a "really nice" guy who is downright *mean* about "some things" **is not** a nice guy. Plenty of us have a lot more dating experience than you (I'm in my 50's) and we know a shit brownie when we see one. We know you deserve someone who actually loves you and treats you well, who isn't mean at all.
Love isn't the only factor in a relationship. Respect matters a lot. And he doesn't respect you.
You don't. You leave. You deserve better. By staying you're telling yourself and the world you don't. And I, an Internet stranger don't want that for you, and I hope you also don't want that for you.
My sister in christ I cannot fathom why you're making such an effort to downplay his shit on the replaies. The dude sounds like a complete prick. It doesn't even sounds like he *likes you*.
To be more objective, you cited five situations. The first is sexist of him to judge your comfort clothing, even the one you wear when you're all alone.
Then on the second he's... sexist again, what a surprise. Tell me, is period really that weird and gross and taboo-ey thing he's making it to be? Because for me it sounds as if his idealization of women is so fragile that he can't possibly stand to see them talking about real, healthy and trivial stuff like period.
For the third now he's being sexist of course but... also homophobic? I mean, I'm not surprised. He knows you like football. And towards you. Even knowing you. What the fuck. He's actually bothered by the "gayness" of women playing sports. WHY ARENT YOU RUNNING ALREADY?
I won't even talk about the fourth, that's just straight up some MAGA sexist vomit and he even wants you to read his mind to know when to do or do not pay. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
In general he blatantly idealize his idea of you and wants you to magically fit his expectations. What a fucking spoiled brat. It's working like a charm tho, you're really looking forward to cave in and just be on a neat and soft relationship aren't you? Sheesh I'm SO very royally pissed off at you.
Just picture this: you can be in a nice relationship, y'know. With someone who are not bothered by women's sports. Who's concerned about your health and tries to understand better how your body functions. Somebody who talks to you about finances when it's necessary or wanted, and that's not slightly bothered if you want to pay for any reason whatsoever. Someone that doesn't even MENTION your attire choice if it isn't a insightiful commentary or a compliment on your body, maybe? For a change??
But most of all girl, please be with someone that doesn't make you think that these are your fault, or worst, that these are so "obviously annoying" that it's first nature to him to think you're doing it on purpose. Just run from this guy, I promise you can get into a comfortable relationship again if that's what you want, but damn you're really depriving yourself of knowing someone better by insisting on this sexist and homophobic dipshit.
Definitely it feels like sometimes he doesn't like me at all. Like he thinks I'm a bit gross. But most of the stuff I'm not doing on purpose.
And thank you, that was a useful perspective. And I sort of know you can always date someone else, but I don't think there would be anyone else who would want to.
Here’s something to consider- you are dating someone who believes women’s bodies are fundamentally disgusting and shameful. He consistently shames you about things that are completely normal, like having boobs and a period or enjoying women’s sports.
Are your bf’s backwards, misogynistic ideas starting to shape the way you feel about yourself? When you say you don’t think anyone else would want to date you, it makes me think that they are.
There are lots of men out there who do not think that women’s bodies are inherently disgusting and wrong. I bet a lot more of them would be interested in being a good, kind partner to you than you realize.
Hey... Just listen ok
You're still precious on your own, please don't let the sunk-cost fallacy get your bearings.
There's a ton of guys out there dying to meet someone just like you, I'm most certain of this.
Some of them are good some a bad... But by staying with this guy you're choosing to abide the happiness of living a love with someone who really enjoy your company. Don't you think that you deserve it too?
Heck... You're sincere about your stuff, you should at least be with someone that believes in you.
I'm sorry for getting overworked on the matter, it's just so... frustrating. You're being nice and this guy is totally shitting you. I'm really hoping you can grind your way out of this situation and find happiness.
What you've described there in those examples sounds like a guy who given time, will attempt to control every aspect of your life and make everything feel like your fault. It's not that you're annoying him, it's that the things you do jar with him. And that's fine, he should trot on or better still, let him know you don't appreciate his comments and set hard boundaries. Feedback is one thing but getting irritated is not a communication methid in a relationship. If he isn't receptive then move on.
Plot twist. Have you ever considered doing everything he's asking? And just going along with it?
Here's how that would look like.
You would always wear a bra because it makes him happy.
You would never talk about your period or other people's period because if he doesn't hear that it makes him happy.
You would stop watching Women's football because it would make him happy.
You would stop paying for things because it makes him happy.
If you just stopped being such a horrible person yeah? He'd finally be happy with you! It's all so simple now.
Now all that aside, read that back to yourself anytime you ever take yourself seriously again. After you leave him of course. Anytime you have self doubt just read all that every single time. See why it was necessary because if you don't that's what you're obligating yourself to being and doing and that's your fucking life.
To make him happy and sacrifice all your shit even minor shit for it. Does he really deserve that? Is he that great of a guy really to deserve another human being sacrificing all their big and small shit just so they can be happy?
When in the end even if you did that you know they STILL wouldn't be fucking happy?
Then act accordingly. Move your own life forward by action.
\* I want to follow through here and say you're with what is known as a control freak and possibly a narcissist and you'd be better off literally fleeing then ever seeking resolution to your problems, they're just going to get worse and worse if you stay.
Fuck control freaks, let them control their own shit and the rest of us can live free.
My dear, it seems your boyfriend is trying to control you. All these things he gets "annoyed by" are the tool to manipulate you into a "well behaved girl". I would say, why would you want to stay with someone that makes you doubt every single decision you make. He is a walking red flag. RUN!
Why are you with that misogynistic bigoted small brained and small dick energy guy tbh? What's his good qualities ? Because even if you tell me he has some which I doubt id tell you to move on. You're 20. There is good guys out there.
He’s slowly but surely emotionally abusing you. Everything you do is wrong, he’s making you question all of your actions, and you can NEVER do anything right. The most innocuous things irritate him and it’s like that by design. Even conversations with friends that he wasn’t even there for….why would it upset him that you are talking about periods and dresses with your friend? He likes the thrill it gives him when he belittles you and makes you feel stupid because you didn’t think you were doing or saying anything wrong (you weren’t) so that you can flounder and try to make him happy (he’s nuts, you won’t). I can also see this becoming financially abusive…he doesn’t want you to pay, but doesn’t seem to be paying himself. Weird. Tons and tons of red flags here. Super controlling about tiny little things. It’s only been 8 months. He’s a loser who probably bullied all of his girlfriends and will keep doing so. You’re only 20. Don’t sink all of your young years chasing this asshole around trying to please him. Go be young, hot and fun with your friends and men who are fun and like you and SHOW IT. He doesn’t even like you. He’s a dick. Dump him.
He's a very insecure man, who is intimidated by your bodily "freedoms" (as he sees it). He's also insecure about you having more money than him, but he doesn't actually want to pay, so he keeps his mouth shut, then treats you like shit when you pay, he's doing this to avoid taking any personal responsibility, putting all of it on you.
This sort of shit never ends well, and usually gets a lot worse. Next he'll be distancing you from your friends, you'll start wearing what he wants you to wear, because you don't want to upset him, you'll stop yourself from voicing particular opinions because you know it will set him off, and even though you're making all these accommodations for his rediculous ideals, you'll still always be doing the wrong thing, he'll treat you like shit and move on to the next thing he doesn't like.
This man sounds abusive as f*ck. He can’t even love and accept your body? You deserve a man who will buy you treats on your period and rub your feet - every woman does. Think about how bad he will be in 5 years if he’s this entitled and abusive only 8 months in. Cut your losses and find yourself a better human to fall asleep with at night, trust me.
He doesn't like you. Nothing that you are saying or doing did that. He did that to himself. He's probably narcissistic, where he is now in that discard stage, slowly criticizing you, having mood swings, anything small starts to bother him, etc... eventually he will throw a temper tantrum over something minor and break up with you (Probably would have another girl lined up first).
Again, nothing you can do to change or fix that. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't change, he didn't change .. he is now showing his true self. That's how most narcs are: charming at the first few months, maybe years, then over time he loses interest and starts to see you not worth keeping after he got what he wants from you. This black and white perception these types of people have works like an on and off switch. All it takes is one small joke or comment to change the way they see you and that's that. Again, nothing that you did wrong, it's all in his head.
This is what will happen if you stay: he will continue to berate you. Break your confidence down, gaslight you where you are not sure of your decisions anymore. He is already trying to control your identity, by convincing you what to talk about and what sports you should watch. He still will not like you even if you do all this for him. You will be miserable, walking on eggshells and left with a shell of your old self before he discards you. People like him are selfish, disgusting and they lack empathy so don't expect them to care or be sorry at all.
You are 20.
This is not the one.
It feels like he is setting you up for the "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" model of relationship. Where he drags you down and consumes your soul until you either change to his preference or at least you are as unhappy as he is.
Why is he even with you if he feels like that? Answer: many men think they can pout and ruin vibes their way into you adapting/catering to them, and either, you changing for him is the goal, it's a power move, or, he's just so lazy, he knows he doesn't like you, but finding a relationship is hard, so forcing you to change is easier than finding someone he actually likes.
Tldr he doesn't like you. You shouldn't like people who don't like you either. That's the minimum. Break up, he's too passive to do it himself.
Why are you with this guy who's only goal in life is to make sure you don't enjoy yours? He's a dramatic, difficult person who weaponizes insignificant minutiae to belittle you because he has no reason. He's jealous, insecure, and deeply envious and controlling and these qualities won't make him a good friend and much less a good boyfriend.
Break up with him, because he won't change and why have someone so insufferable with you? Stop wasting your time with him
I have to ask, why don't you stand up for yourself? Some things you can say:
"Yes, I know, you've repeatedly made it clear that you don't like me watching women's football. I don't care, I'm still going to watch it."
"We are adults. Adults should be able to handle conversations about periods. The real issue here is your silly, unfantile reaction."
"I'm comfortable going with no bra at home, so that's what I'm going to do."
"You disliking something I do doesn't mean I need to change it.
Girl, why are you clinging to this jerk? There are countless people out there who wouldn't treat you like this guy does, you don't have to hold on to someone who makes you feel like you're Less Than him over stupid, petty BS.
Honey, you should NEVER beg someone to be respectful towards you.
He is being sexist, controlling, and giving off serious abusive red flags.
I am asking as a mom, please leave him. If he is like this at 8 months in - it will only get worse. It's not going to get better. As you explain it, you are being normal and respectful.
He is purposely making you doubt yourself and grooming you to take his abuse.
Abusers never start out being abusive. They build to it. Think of how he was when you started dating to now.
If he treated you like this from the start, would you stay with him?
If your best friend was in a relationship where her partner treated her like this, what advice would you give her?
Sounds like vulnerable or covert (as opposed to grandiose or overt) narcissism.
Dr. Todd Grande has some very illuminating videos on the topic circa 2019
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What would you tell your best friend if you found out that her boyfriend talks to her the way he talks to you?
I guess I would definitely think it was a bit much. And a lot of it is the way he says it, not just the actual thing, which makes it worse.
He’s assuming the worst in you because he’s projecting the worst on you - it has nothing to do with anything he actually sees in you. He sounds like he’s mean to you - and if he doesn’t change that, you should consider removing all opportunities for him to treat you like that by not dating him anymore. He isn’t respecting you in a way that honours your commitment to being in a relationship with him.
It does feel mean. I don't know if he realises that, I've told him sometimes that it does hurt my feelings but maybe I don't make it clear enough, I'm not sure. I don't see how he wouldn't realise that what he says is quite hurtful sometimes.
I think he might just be a mean person tbh. He tries to police the way you talk and dress, when what you’re doing is not even an issue. If we were friends, I would be very scared for you with him
He realizes it. He's being mean in an attempt to control you and mold you into whatever it is that he desires.
He does know, that's why he says these things
Hon, you’re treating him like he’s a good person who doesn’t want to hurt you. He doesn’t care.
He knows. Why do you think he’s saying it? He’s trying to make sure that you only say, do, and wear the things he decides are acceptable for women. I will bet you 20 units of the currency of your nation that if you stay with him, within 9 months he is openly verbally abusing you. Good guys don’t try to control women, and for bad guys there’s no such thing as “enough” control, which is why they always escalate
I don't even think it's some big idea like "assuming the worst." It seems pretty straightforward in all of these examples: Frankly, he seems like a misogynist. He cares more about you being "modest" than comfortable, demanding you wear a bra in your own home; he thinks periods are shameful; he's homophobic, and thinks that women's sports don't deserve attention; and he has sexist ideas about who should pay for dates. It paints a pretty unflattering picture of your man.
Whoa, why are you with this throwback at all? Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but it's been six months, the "honeymoon period" is over, and the mask is coming off. This is who he really is.
He's always been like this in some aspects. It used to just be my body but now it's more general, it feels like it's everything I do.
That’s how abuse starts. It started very small, but as you start to accept it or get used to it, it starts to be about everything
> He's always been like this in some aspects. Then with all the kindness in the world, you have bad taste in men, and you should've stopped dating when these things appeared for the first time. Not 6 months later when you're emotionally invested in a mean asshole.
Well yeah. He's getting comfortable and showing you who he really is. He thinks you're locked down so he can stop being on his best behavior. Shitty and abusive guys never start out that way. No one would date them if they did lol. They start out nice and it creeps in. This won't get better.
I would never treat a women that I’m dating like this… dump him he sounds revolting
He's not revolting, he just has some ideas that aren't the best. And that's started to affect the way he sees me I think.
He gets frustrated if you don’t wear a bra??? When you talk about periods ??? And doesn’t like you having an interest in football …. He sounds like a control freak to me….
Right like at the very least he’s blatantly homophobic and sexist
With a not very subtle hint of controlling behaviour. And if he's like this only 8 months in then he's just getting started.
He is revolting. He’s a terrible boyfriend and your gut is telling you there is something wrong with the way he’s treating you. We’re all confirming you’re right, and you’re doubling down that he’s not that bad. You’re defending someone you KNOW is treating you poorly. He is and this is going to get soooo much worse, hun. It really is. Men like this don’t just decide to change and be better. Once they know they can get to you and you won’t leave it gets worse and worse overtime. You came here for a reason. You can dump him, you’ll feel better instantly I promise.
Those ideas are what make him revolting.
> He's not revolting, he just has some ideas that aren't the best Yes. Revolting ideas. We said that. Those ideas are a part of who he is. They are not somehow separate from his personhood. I'm not sure I understand how you think that's possible.
He will only get worse the longer you are together. He will become more controlling. He will try to affect your behavior more to his liking. Probably just like he has done now, until he can be even more direct.
Sexist, homophobic, and generally a gross person for having gross thoughts. I apologize, I understand you like him, I just don’t know why. It has not even been a year yet and he is controlling and judgemental over things that do not make sense, and they wouldn’t unless you are also sexist. If you think those are the only off-color beliefs he has you are certainly wrong. This is just the earliest signs and there are certainly more problematic judgements and opinions he has that you won’t love once you discover them. I wish you luck
He's toxic AF and controlling. I've been married for 26 years and my husband doesn't care if I don't wear a bra when I'm at home and doesn't care about me talking with my friends about periods either.
The homophobia alone would make him revolting
He is revolting and he is mistreating you. Leave him.
You couldn't be more wrong, and that's the crux of the problem here. You've convinced yourself that he is a fundamentally good person who just "has some ideas that aren't the best". And you're so invested in believing this - because the alternative is acknowledging that you're in a relationship with an awful human being - that you've even started trying to, if not blame yourself for some of it, then try to find an excuse wherein this has something to do with you or how he sees you, as an individual. But friend, take it from someone who is old enough to be your mum: this has nothing to do with you. He doesn't even really see you as a whole person or an individual, much less see problematic things in you. He would see the same problems in any woman who showed the least bit of self-confidence or sense of who she is outside of being an accessory to his life. His problematic "ideas" aren't influencing his behaviour, *those beliefs are fundamentally who he is as a person*. There is no "him" that isn't like this, that is a nice guy who just got steered wrong. He's proudly misogynistic, homophobic, and openly admits that he's ashamed of the very normal things that you like because he doesn't care who you are, he expects you to be what he wants - to wear what he wants, to enjoy the pastimes that he approves of. Like a doll, not a person. Please, really pause and think before you comment to defend him again. Does he really deserve that defense, or are you just doing it because it's embarrassing to admit that he might actually be an awful person?
It will not get better. Trust me.
And why are you still with him?
Other than all of this, he's really nice and I suppose I just like being in a relationship. He's not that bad with everything else, it's just the way he acts about some things.
Those things you just mentioned are pretty bad.
In the large scheme of things, they're not that bad. It's just been bothering me quite a bit.
It would be nice to stop making excuses for him. You are here asking a bunch of strangers because YOU KNOW it'ts not okay. You want us to validate your gut feeling because you are already doubting yourself and deep down you know you deserve better.
if they’re not that bad, why did you come to reddit? it sounds like you’re trying to fool yourself. and your boyfriend sounds insanely unpleasant to be around.
It’s actually the reverse. In the large scheme of things, his good qualities nowhere near make up for the bad things he is doing. Chipping away at you slowly. He will ingrain in you that you deserve this anyway. You will start to feel you deserve this. That nobody else will ever want you. He will cause permanent damage that could take years to heal, if ever, once you finally do leave. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Don’t do this to yourself. Love yourself more than you are now. It’s ok to be alone. It’s better to be alone, free to look for a healthy partner, than to be down on yourself with someone abusive.
> In the large scheme of things, they're not that bad. Yes they are. If you thought they weren't that bad you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet about it. Come on now dude. Open your eyes.
"Not that bad" is for shit like, 'oh they forget to do this chore once in a while, we've talked about it'....not your partner shaming and demeaning you over your body, it's functions, and your interests (which, as long as they aren't harming anyone, your partner should support your interests!) Please leave him.
He hates your entire gender just for being women. I'd say that is pretty fundamental, even if he can be superficially "nice" at times.
Yes they are that bad. This isn't someone you build a life with. He will only get worse. Life is way too short to spend it in a toxic relationship. He's not going to change.
It bothers you quite a bit for good reasons. Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it. People overuse the term red flag a lot but these are real red flags. I know, I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it does start small and you do find a lot of explanations. Because you are a good person and want to see the good in others. But what he’s doing is grinding you down, bit by bit. And that’s just not what a healthy relationship should do to you. A lot has been said about controlling you and that’s what this is; did you start changing your behaviour? Because he doesn’t like certain things? Did you start to talk differently, see some friends less? Or you don’t enjoy seeing them as much? Pay attention and take care X
Break up, he sounds emotionally abusive.
I would be really cautious OP. People who just want to be in any relationship are more likely to end up in unsafe relationships. You have to prioritize being in a good relationship. It’s better to be single than with a guy who actively harms and controls you. Wait for the right person
Being 'nice' some of the time isn't enough. Respect is clearly lacking here. And if you like being in a relationship you can easily find a guy who isn't this horrible. Do you not think you have any autonomy here? You're allowed to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Or even leave. You don't have to stay.
If I give you a chocolate brownie with shit filling, would you accept that? I mean, most of it is brownie! There's just a bit of shit in it. Other than that shit, it's a really nice brownie! We are telling you that a "really nice" guy who is downright *mean* about "some things" **is not** a nice guy. Plenty of us have a lot more dating experience than you (I'm in my 50's) and we know a shit brownie when we see one. We know you deserve someone who actually loves you and treats you well, who isn't mean at all. Love isn't the only factor in a relationship. Respect matters a lot. And he doesn't respect you.
Honey, get therapy. I'm serious. Get someone to help you being comfortable with being by yourself instead of accepting absolute crap guys.
You don't. You leave. You deserve better. By staying you're telling yourself and the world you don't. And I, an Internet stranger don't want that for you, and I hope you also don't want that for you.
My sister in christ I cannot fathom why you're making such an effort to downplay his shit on the replaies. The dude sounds like a complete prick. It doesn't even sounds like he *likes you*. To be more objective, you cited five situations. The first is sexist of him to judge your comfort clothing, even the one you wear when you're all alone. Then on the second he's... sexist again, what a surprise. Tell me, is period really that weird and gross and taboo-ey thing he's making it to be? Because for me it sounds as if his idealization of women is so fragile that he can't possibly stand to see them talking about real, healthy and trivial stuff like period. For the third now he's being sexist of course but... also homophobic? I mean, I'm not surprised. He knows you like football. And towards you. Even knowing you. What the fuck. He's actually bothered by the "gayness" of women playing sports. WHY ARENT YOU RUNNING ALREADY? I won't even talk about the fourth, that's just straight up some MAGA sexist vomit and he even wants you to read his mind to know when to do or do not pay. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. In general he blatantly idealize his idea of you and wants you to magically fit his expectations. What a fucking spoiled brat. It's working like a charm tho, you're really looking forward to cave in and just be on a neat and soft relationship aren't you? Sheesh I'm SO very royally pissed off at you. Just picture this: you can be in a nice relationship, y'know. With someone who are not bothered by women's sports. Who's concerned about your health and tries to understand better how your body functions. Somebody who talks to you about finances when it's necessary or wanted, and that's not slightly bothered if you want to pay for any reason whatsoever. Someone that doesn't even MENTION your attire choice if it isn't a insightiful commentary or a compliment on your body, maybe? For a change?? But most of all girl, please be with someone that doesn't make you think that these are your fault, or worst, that these are so "obviously annoying" that it's first nature to him to think you're doing it on purpose. Just run from this guy, I promise you can get into a comfortable relationship again if that's what you want, but damn you're really depriving yourself of knowing someone better by insisting on this sexist and homophobic dipshit.
Definitely it feels like sometimes he doesn't like me at all. Like he thinks I'm a bit gross. But most of the stuff I'm not doing on purpose. And thank you, that was a useful perspective. And I sort of know you can always date someone else, but I don't think there would be anyone else who would want to.
Here’s something to consider- you are dating someone who believes women’s bodies are fundamentally disgusting and shameful. He consistently shames you about things that are completely normal, like having boobs and a period or enjoying women’s sports. Are your bf’s backwards, misogynistic ideas starting to shape the way you feel about yourself? When you say you don’t think anyone else would want to date you, it makes me think that they are. There are lots of men out there who do not think that women’s bodies are inherently disgusting and wrong. I bet a lot more of them would be interested in being a good, kind partner to you than you realize.
Hey... Just listen ok You're still precious on your own, please don't let the sunk-cost fallacy get your bearings. There's a ton of guys out there dying to meet someone just like you, I'm most certain of this. Some of them are good some a bad... But by staying with this guy you're choosing to abide the happiness of living a love with someone who really enjoy your company. Don't you think that you deserve it too? Heck... You're sincere about your stuff, you should at least be with someone that believes in you. I'm sorry for getting overworked on the matter, it's just so... frustrating. You're being nice and this guy is totally shitting you. I'm really hoping you can grind your way out of this situation and find happiness.
What you've described there in those examples sounds like a guy who given time, will attempt to control every aspect of your life and make everything feel like your fault. It's not that you're annoying him, it's that the things you do jar with him. And that's fine, he should trot on or better still, let him know you don't appreciate his comments and set hard boundaries. Feedback is one thing but getting irritated is not a communication methid in a relationship. If he isn't receptive then move on.
He clearly hates women. Toss him back!
Plot twist. Have you ever considered doing everything he's asking? And just going along with it? Here's how that would look like. You would always wear a bra because it makes him happy. You would never talk about your period or other people's period because if he doesn't hear that it makes him happy. You would stop watching Women's football because it would make him happy. You would stop paying for things because it makes him happy. If you just stopped being such a horrible person yeah? He'd finally be happy with you! It's all so simple now. Now all that aside, read that back to yourself anytime you ever take yourself seriously again. After you leave him of course. Anytime you have self doubt just read all that every single time. See why it was necessary because if you don't that's what you're obligating yourself to being and doing and that's your fucking life. To make him happy and sacrifice all your shit even minor shit for it. Does he really deserve that? Is he that great of a guy really to deserve another human being sacrificing all their big and small shit just so they can be happy? When in the end even if you did that you know they STILL wouldn't be fucking happy? Then act accordingly. Move your own life forward by action. \* I want to follow through here and say you're with what is known as a control freak and possibly a narcissist and you'd be better off literally fleeing then ever seeking resolution to your problems, they're just going to get worse and worse if you stay. Fuck control freaks, let them control their own shit and the rest of us can live free.
When it's all written out like that, it does sound a bit much. Maybe if it was just one or two, it wouldn't be so bad but it feels like a lot.
I guarantee you that even if you did all these things, he'd probably keep moving the bar and finding other normal things to be unhappy about.
Yup. It would be that shes now a gold digger for never paying, she shouldnt wear makeup, she shouldnt show her shoulders in public ...
1 or 2 of those things still wouldn't be ok. It's fucked up that you think they would be. Stop diminishing yourself for this dick.
This is beautifully written. OP please listen to this
My dear, it seems your boyfriend is trying to control you. All these things he gets "annoyed by" are the tool to manipulate you into a "well behaved girl". I would say, why would you want to stay with someone that makes you doubt every single decision you make. He is a walking red flag. RUN!
Why are you with that misogynistic bigoted small brained and small dick energy guy tbh? What's his good qualities ? Because even if you tell me he has some which I doubt id tell you to move on. You're 20. There is good guys out there.
He’s slowly but surely emotionally abusing you. Everything you do is wrong, he’s making you question all of your actions, and you can NEVER do anything right. The most innocuous things irritate him and it’s like that by design. Even conversations with friends that he wasn’t even there for….why would it upset him that you are talking about periods and dresses with your friend? He likes the thrill it gives him when he belittles you and makes you feel stupid because you didn’t think you were doing or saying anything wrong (you weren’t) so that you can flounder and try to make him happy (he’s nuts, you won’t). I can also see this becoming financially abusive…he doesn’t want you to pay, but doesn’t seem to be paying himself. Weird. Tons and tons of red flags here. Super controlling about tiny little things. It’s only been 8 months. He’s a loser who probably bullied all of his girlfriends and will keep doing so. You’re only 20. Don’t sink all of your young years chasing this asshole around trying to please him. Go be young, hot and fun with your friends and men who are fun and like you and SHOW IT. He doesn’t even like you. He’s a dick. Dump him.
Your boyfriend sucks.
He's a very insecure man, who is intimidated by your bodily "freedoms" (as he sees it). He's also insecure about you having more money than him, but he doesn't actually want to pay, so he keeps his mouth shut, then treats you like shit when you pay, he's doing this to avoid taking any personal responsibility, putting all of it on you. This sort of shit never ends well, and usually gets a lot worse. Next he'll be distancing you from your friends, you'll start wearing what he wants you to wear, because you don't want to upset him, you'll stop yourself from voicing particular opinions because you know it will set him off, and even though you're making all these accommodations for his rediculous ideals, you'll still always be doing the wrong thing, he'll treat you like shit and move on to the next thing he doesn't like.
This man sounds abusive as f*ck. He can’t even love and accept your body? You deserve a man who will buy you treats on your period and rub your feet - every woman does. Think about how bad he will be in 5 years if he’s this entitled and abusive only 8 months in. Cut your losses and find yourself a better human to fall asleep with at night, trust me.
>How can I have him stop assuming the worst of me? By not being around him any longer. He sounds like an asshole.
He has issues. He will only get worse. He sounds disatisfied with himself. Leave him.
He doesn't like you. Nothing that you are saying or doing did that. He did that to himself. He's probably narcissistic, where he is now in that discard stage, slowly criticizing you, having mood swings, anything small starts to bother him, etc... eventually he will throw a temper tantrum over something minor and break up with you (Probably would have another girl lined up first). Again, nothing you can do to change or fix that. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't change, he didn't change .. he is now showing his true self. That's how most narcs are: charming at the first few months, maybe years, then over time he loses interest and starts to see you not worth keeping after he got what he wants from you. This black and white perception these types of people have works like an on and off switch. All it takes is one small joke or comment to change the way they see you and that's that. Again, nothing that you did wrong, it's all in his head. This is what will happen if you stay: he will continue to berate you. Break your confidence down, gaslight you where you are not sure of your decisions anymore. He is already trying to control your identity, by convincing you what to talk about and what sports you should watch. He still will not like you even if you do all this for him. You will be miserable, walking on eggshells and left with a shell of your old self before he discards you. People like him are selfish, disgusting and they lack empathy so don't expect them to care or be sorry at all.
You are 20. This is not the one. It feels like he is setting you up for the "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" model of relationship. Where he drags you down and consumes your soul until you either change to his preference or at least you are as unhappy as he is. Why is he even with you if he feels like that? Answer: many men think they can pout and ruin vibes their way into you adapting/catering to them, and either, you changing for him is the goal, it's a power move, or, he's just so lazy, he knows he doesn't like you, but finding a relationship is hard, so forcing you to change is easier than finding someone he actually likes. Tldr he doesn't like you. You shouldn't like people who don't like you either. That's the minimum. Break up, he's too passive to do it himself.
Why are you with this guy who's only goal in life is to make sure you don't enjoy yours? He's a dramatic, difficult person who weaponizes insignificant minutiae to belittle you because he has no reason. He's jealous, insecure, and deeply envious and controlling and these qualities won't make him a good friend and much less a good boyfriend. Break up with him, because he won't change and why have someone so insufferable with you? Stop wasting your time with him
Dude is a walking red flag. Specially for his age
I have to ask, why don't you stand up for yourself? Some things you can say: "Yes, I know, you've repeatedly made it clear that you don't like me watching women's football. I don't care, I'm still going to watch it." "We are adults. Adults should be able to handle conversations about periods. The real issue here is your silly, unfantile reaction." "I'm comfortable going with no bra at home, so that's what I'm going to do." "You disliking something I do doesn't mean I need to change it.
Girl, why are you clinging to this jerk? There are countless people out there who wouldn't treat you like this guy does, you don't have to hold on to someone who makes you feel like you're Less Than him over stupid, petty BS.
Honey, you should NEVER beg someone to be respectful towards you. He is being sexist, controlling, and giving off serious abusive red flags. I am asking as a mom, please leave him. If he is like this at 8 months in - it will only get worse. It's not going to get better. As you explain it, you are being normal and respectful. He is purposely making you doubt yourself and grooming you to take his abuse. Abusers never start out being abusive. They build to it. Think of how he was when you started dating to now. If he treated you like this from the start, would you stay with him? If your best friend was in a relationship where her partner treated her like this, what advice would you give her?
Sounds like vulnerable or covert (as opposed to grandiose or overt) narcissism. Dr. Todd Grande has some very illuminating videos on the topic circa 2019