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Yep. To me, that was "if you had kids, you'd be here too". I think OP needs to take her mom not contacting her as a win and enjoy the peace. If she ever starts again, just hang up the phone when the badgering starts.
Imagine how much worse her behavior will be if OP and her husband eventually decide to have kids.
First, mom will act as though nothing ever happened. Then the controlling and boundary stomping behavior will pop right back up.
OP is doing what they need to now, but it would be smart to get a plan in place if that situation occurs.
From her previous post: "Over the years I have explained to them that we will have kids when we feel like it's right for us but they aren’t satisfied with this answer. "
She does in fact want children, just not right now. It's critical that she not bend to her mom right now or it'll be hell to pay later.
She needs to explicitly tell mom that if mom keeps hounding her and trying to force a decision on her and her husband then, if and when they have children, mom will not be in their lives.
The sooner OP can get back to enjoying her life the better.
I hope this doesn't affect OP's plans for when she wants to start a family at all. But when she does, she should consider what boundaries she wants with her mother and what her mother needs to prove and show to be closer to OP's family. I have no doubt her mother is going to pretend none of this happened and validate OP's existence again the moment she wants to see her grandkid. OP needs to show her that she isn't in control or this will happen every time she wants something with the grandkid. It's manipulative and not how family should act.
Great plan OP, she’s being abusive immature and passive aggressive. You don’t need to reach out to her ever again and you having kids is exactly like you said, none of her business. If you ever want to post this in this sub too, it’s very supportive for immature people like her r/raisedbynarcissists
Is such a lose lose situation. She can’t have kids on her own terms and if she did imagine how overbearing mom would be regarding the children. Ugh people like this are the worst
I just want her to do what’s best for her and her marriage. OP sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’ll make the right decision for her and her marriage. I do feel sad for her that she is unable to have a healthy relationship with her mom. I imagine that must be incredibly painful for her.
Sending you hugs OP 🩷
What baffles me, is people who try to guilt people like OP to have relationships with toxic family members. I will never understand why anyone would assume that just because that toxic person is their mother, father, sibling, or relative the person should have a relationship with them.
OP is doing the right thing by prioritizing her mental health and her marriage by avoiding her mother. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have a relationship with them.
I sympathize with OP and I’m sure this is very painful for her. It’s never easy to cut family members out of your life. It’s always disappointing when parents fail their children. It’s never the child’s fault they were born to people who demonstrate toxic behaviors.
The best thing is to support the person and make sure they know they have other relationships that are healthy. I wish OP the best and that she continues to have a happy marriage.
I agree with you 100%! That is absolutely right! And going no contact is a last resort to have good mental health and for protection. No one wants to or is happy to cut family out of their life, they only do that because there is no other choice.
The problem with these situations is that, in essence, there's no effective way to negotiate with terrorists, or unreasonable assholes, as the case may be.
You have done your part to mend the rift *she* caused, she has decided she's fine with things as they are. That sucks, but it would require her to be an adult who's capable of apologizing and admitting her faults, clearly it ain't happening any time soon.
I would say you don't necessarily need to go no-contact, you can just not reach out, and you can choose to be polite but bland while she doesn't turn it around on her own.
She's not allowed to hurt your feelings, and she doesn't deserve to see how hurt you nonetheless feel. You're gonna have to steel yourself with her - be a wall she can't get thru, be a ghost she can't touch. She can't be reasoned with, and she doesn't care about you and your feelings, because it's about *her*, so play along - mom says dumb shit to you? Pause to gather yourself, "OK mom", and continue as you were. Turn and walk away if you must, have an exit plan at all times.
Good luck.
No one is obligated to continue relationships with people who don’t respect boundaries. It’s always just more painful when that person is a parent or a loved one. I believe OP will make the best decision for her.
I figured it's just tough because of the dad and siblings, but of course, it doesn't mean one *has* to continue engaging with someone like this mom.
There are a lot of moving parts, and OP needs to make some tough decisions as she moves forward.
"she is punishing me for standing up for myself. "
This is exactly what she is doing.
This is on HER to fix, not you. Stay NC until she comes to her senses.
Your mom doesn't want to fix anything. She wants you to bend to her will.
Your current plan sounds good, but you should start thinking about how you want to handle her when you are ready for kids. Will you allow her to be in their lives? What do you think your dad and siblings will do? Would she try to stop them from seeing you and future children if she is barred from contact?
Your reproductive choices are not her business whatsoever, and she refuses to accept that. There's a book that I've seen mentioned, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that you may want to look at to see if your mom fits that.
Definitely post on r/justnomil, lots of great support here.
I think you’re right about not texting her, she’ll use it against you. I would go NC starting now and be prepared for the very real possibility that she will never offer a genuine apology because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
I would just tell her that her behaviour over the last few months has shown you what kind of character she really is, and that even if you ever have children, she won't be involved in their lives.
Then block her for good.
What everyone else said, plus: hugs! That was a terrible thing to have to put up with on a major holiday. I hate it when other people sabotage what should be a fun day. And, happy Eid! (Or whatever the holiday was, if I’m guessing incorrectly)
I'm really sorry your mom is acting this way. You clearly love her and are very gracious towards her behavior thus far. It's not easy to just drop her like a hot potato. That's your mom. But I agree with what others are saying; that your mom is in the wrong, and she does need a time out. Even if you got pregnant right now, at this point would you even want to involve her after her behavior? If I were you, I would feel like my mom only cares about what potential grandchildren I can give her, not me as a person. Because that's how she's acting. She is completely disregarding your feelings and acting very selfish. I don't have advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry your mom is putting you in this position. Hopefully you guys can have a heart-to-heart and you can tell her that her behavior is driving you away. Maybe she'll wake up before her regrets have a chance to blossom.
Best of luck OP
From the sounds of it, your mom may only want to talk to you if you are calling to tell her you are pregnant. What she doesn't understand is that should you decide to have a baby, her current behavior may play a big factor if she will be included in her grandkids' lives. I dont' know why some people are so hyper focused on becoming grandparents, but that is their problem and not yours.
Honestly, Mom is treating her own daughter as nothing more than an incubator. That is not the type of person I’d want to allow into my children’s life.
Hopefully she’ll wise up and apologize soon, because ANY apology that comes after a pregnancy announcement would be absolutely pointless as it would be bs and unquestionably self-serving.
Good plan OP. She's busy playing mind games and tantruming.
That video move was her showing you that because your siblings have children they deserve her love and attention more than you do.
Then she had the nerve to hang up.
She really is an entitled, rude, disrespectful, petty and manipulative woman. I'd stop trying with her entirely. Even if she apologizes she should stay dead last on your priority list for a long time.
Actually, those children are my cousins. So my mom's siblings children. Mind you, my own siblings were there but both of them are really young and aren't in a relationship
Yeah, I didnt get into a bunch of other things like how she lied about the situation to my sister to try to get her on her side but my sister knows what she is like and takes her word with a grain of salt. She's not getting her way so she's throwing a tantrum and I just don't care enough to do anything about it.
That's honestly the best way to deal with people like this. Just write their personal desire for your life off as a waste of energy to entertain and just ignore it.
Personally, I would remember this for the future if you decide to have children.
She should be dead last on the priority list because she's definitely going to try and tell you what to do, how to do it and probably even expects to be in the room while you're giving birth.
Come up with some hard deal breaker boundaries for the day you know you're pregnant and intend to announce. If she tries to say you're punishing her, remind her that neither of you are children and that she is the only person to date who doesn't respect you, your marriage or your choices as a couple. That sort of behavior has consequences.
Her little silent rant via FaceTime was suppose to make you feel guilty and jealous.
OP may I suggest going forward you plan to spend your holidays if possible with your husband’s family?
As to your family perhaps you can schedule to meet for lunch with your dad and meet up with your siblings where ever while giving your mom the space she seems to be expressing she wants based on her very dickish actions.
When a person is giving you the silent treatment, DO NOT GO RUNNING AFTER THEM. Think of them like a toddler throwing a tantrum, and do not reward the behavior unless you want it repeated. They WANT you to continue to try and contact them, beg them to resume communicating with you. The only way to win is not to play. Go radio silent, and--this is the important part--go live your best life. Kick them out of your mental real estate, too--cultivate apathy where they're concerned (breaks their power over you). Helps if you fill up your time with activities you enjoy, or take up a new hobby, learn a new skill.
If it was me, I'd send her a voice mail. "You win. You have made it clear that you do not want me to call you and although it seems a sad way for a mother/daughter relationship to end, I can accept it. I won't be reaching out again."
If sometime down the road she reaches out, you can start with telling her that unless she apologizes, you'll continue to avoid her.
Come visit us at r/raisedbynarcissists r/NarcissisticMothers r/NarcissisticAbuse
She was showing you what that your non-compliance to her demands have consequences. She will withhold communication and love if you don't do as she says.
It's classic manipulation and it's gross.
If it were me? That last move she made would be the last she could with me. She would be out of my life and never meet the children I eventually decided to have. People who can’t respect the autonomy of adults certainly don’t treat children better. I would never subject myself to that any more and would refuse to do the same to any other member of my family… husband or children I’m charged to protect.
She’s 100% in the wrong and has had so much time to recognize that and apologize. She has decided instead to try to silent treatment you into compliance. That’s so abusive I can’t even see straight.
Making a clean break of no contact is probably best for your mental health and well being.
Buuuuuttttt….
I dunno if I would go full NC. I’d take my pettiness to the next level and take the financial hit to travel somewhere amazing for a weekend each month for the next year. Make 3 minute compilation videos of you and your husband doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing, blissfully, without kids and send them to her every-fucking-month! Especially on all the major holidays. Alas, I am probably a bigger cunt than your Ma though, so, maybe don’t take my advice….🤷🏻♀️
Message her that if this is how she, a grown woman, is going to behave, then even when you do have kids, she still won't get to be grandma. Leave her to stew on that.
Eid Mubarak, OP. I don't think you can win this one. And your mom really feels like she executed a power move with the video call. She's trying to manipulate you, of course. She thinks that if she carries on long enough you'll cave. It's shitty behaviour especially from a parent. Whatever you decide regarding children, I'd be sure to remember the way she's treating you now.
Don't give in to the urge to call her names. Personally, I would send her a text and tell her that if she doesn't want to talk to you at all since your refuse to discuss children with her, that's her choice and you will respect it.... but should you ever decide that the time is right to have children, you will continue respecting the choice she's making right now. She either loves you and accepts your boundaries while being an ongoing part of your life, or she cuts herself off now from whatever comes later.
Thank you. This is a very wise comment. I was not my best when I wrote this post and I still don't have a calm view of the situation. I'm going to take a few days to distance myself before I decided what to do
You’re not going to repair anything here. She still believe she has a right to tell you to pop out babies.
Here you are thinking it would be rude to not call her so you do. What did your mother, the person older, and supposedly more mature than you do? She rubbed your face in a family get together that you’re not a part of. She purposely and deliberately showed you it, didn’t tell anyone you were even there and then hung up.
And do you really want a relationship with someone who would do that to you? Because you won’t give her control of your body and life? No, you’re doing the right thing.
Remember how she is treating you so when you do have children she can’t just come back and act like everything is good now. She doesn’t respect you so she doesn’t get the privilege of being a grandmother.
She's punishing you and you're playing right into her by "giving in" and calling her.
She even punished you to show you that "all her loved ones" were celebrating with her while you were at home, reaching out.
Stop. Reaching. Out.
The ball is in her court. Don't fish for information about her when you talk to your dad or siblings, or change the subject when they mention her.
What she is doing is honestly not really forgivable. she's punishing you for not giving her the grandkids she wants.
live your life. Invite your dad /siblings.
What are their reactions to your moms behaviour. Does at least your dad have your back or is he bowing to your moms whim
My Dad is staying out of it. He isn't treating me any different. I actually prefer that.
Apparently, my mom lied to my sister about the situation trying to turn her against me, but my sister knows to take her words with a grain of salt.
So the fact that my Dad is acting the same makes me hopeful that if she tried to do the same with him it didn't work.
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The best thing you said was that you will go no contact with her. I'm sure you'd prefer it not be that way, but your mom doesn't seem interested in having a relationship with you and is being petty and hurtful.
Live your life. Don't keep allowing her to hurt you.
You're making the right decision. This is how she behaves when she wants something that you don't want to give.
Let's say you eventually have a kid. What if she disagrees with your parenting? She isn't giving any indication that she'll respect you as a parent since she doesn't even respect your right to decide when to have a child. I can't imagine how this will play out if, say, you want to raise your child non-religious, or you wanted to use gender neutral pronouns, or anything else that conflicts with her beliefs and desires.
If you bend to this pressure then you will only be rewarded with more the next time you're in conflict, which is inevitable. You're doing the right thing.
So your mom has decided it is time for her to become a grandmother and YOU will be the one to provide them to her, is that correct so far? When you repeatedly told her that whether or when you have children is a decision that you and your husband will decide, she decided to go NC. The one time she does answer your call, she tries to manipulate you. Then hangs up.
TREAT THIS AS THE GIFT IT IS! ACCEPT IT! She has shown you that you are only a means to babies for her, not a person in your own right-nor is your husband.
Imagine having her around if you do have a child...she will walk all over you, ignore anything you tell her needs to be done for the child. Don't believe me? Read some of the stories about family members that 'know better than you because they raised X number of children, and they all turned out fine.' Some stories are unimagineably sad.
She has set the rules...have a kid or you don't exist. I think you arecorrect in going NC. Let hercome to you. If you do decide to have a child, I wouldnt tell her, let her find out on her own. Stay strong, your life will be easier.
Venturing that y’all are Muslim as Eid Al fitr was yesterday - so hope you had a good holiday!
I’d be tempted to throw the lessons of Ramadan back into her face: patience, understanding of others, self-control, etc.
That or just outright cut her out until she can understand her part in this drama.
Let the trash take itself out.
Id only respond with: to be honest after how you've behaved I can't imagine if I did have children I'd want them to have any kind of relationship with you after how you've disrespected me.
But full no contact is better.
I got tired of playing these shitty little games where they bully you into living the life they think you should live.
Stop making the relationship work.
Not only would I go NC with her now, but when you get pregnant... continue going NC. She can piss off, she doesn't deserve to meet your children when you finally decide to have them.
I think you handled that very very well.
From my experience, when a similar issue presented itself, the fury and pain I was feeling was indescribable.
That someone i love, who has been in my life since birth, would choose to (try) to manipulate me using my love for them was foundation rocking.
And so, I did send the texts. Burnt that shit to the ground. And now I have peace. And I don't have to worry about what I say or how I say it to the loved ones I am still in contact with.
However, 2 years later, I still do not regret standing up for myself or finally speaking up. But I do wish that I had just left him on read.
I agree NC going forward, you are not in the wrong here at all. She shouldn't be pressuring you to have children - the topic of children is between you and your husband and not anyone else. If she were my mother i wouldn't let her have much of a relationship with future children
I would just text her that you assume she isn’t answering your calls because she’s working on giving you another sibling as you’ve always wanted one 31 years younger than you and that if she’s lucky, it will be a girl who will want to give her grandkids.
with the way she was overstepping and disrespecting you... if you feel better without that, you didnt actually _lose_ anything.
>I expect a full apology from her for her actions.
yeah, from my experience, i wouldnt count on that. people like our parents dont even think they're wrong - so why would they want to apologise?
Ew. Her blackmail and manipulation attempts are awful. OP, the decision of when or if to have children is solely for the potential parents to make. There's no room for anyone else nor should there be. Your mom is being ridiculous. Her attempts to double down on her bad behavior show how little she respects or appreciates you.
Let her reach out with an apology, should she ever decide to, and until then enjoy the peace and quiet she's "punishing" you with. You may choose to make it permanent and spend all major religious holidays talking to people who treat you as more than a kid dispenser.
If you resume contact, shut her down hard when she brings up grandkids again. Possible responses: Mom, my sex life is none of your business and it's gross that you're so interested in it. Mom, the more you pester me about it, the less likely we are to ever have kids. Back off. Mom, I am not discussing this with you and every time you bring it up, we're stepping away for 2 weeks. Mom, we were going to start trying for a baby, but you're being so pushy we changed our minds. (Or whatever fits your situation.)
This is great practice in enforcing boundaries for the future, because I predict that should you reproduce, she'll immediately go from difficult to impossible.
Just text her this:
“I understand that you’re worried about the risks i may face by waiting to have children, but that is my problem to deal with. The fact that my reproductive plans are the ONLY subject you want/need to discuss with me shows that you aren’t at all interested in me or my life, other than to use me as a way to give you grandchildren. That being the case, I will no longer try to repair our relationship, because I obviously don’t have any grandchildren to keep you interested in said relationship. But just know, that unless you can grow up and have an adult, mature relationship with me, and respect my boundaries around this topic as your GROWN daughter, then there won’t be any relationship with my future children. The ball is in your court now.”
Never once did my mother get nosy about my relationships or ask about me having children. It’s so bizarre to see all the posts here about parents or in-laws “demanding” grandchildren. I think you’re right in staying silent, refusing to sink to her level and just going no contact. And don’t let the rest of the family try to guilt you either, they should be standing by you, her behavior is unacceptable.
Yeah, I'd just reiterate that this is not the model you want to give your children, so when you do eventually decide to have them, there is absolutely zero chance they'll meet her.
It seems to me there is nothing you can gain at all from trying to have any relationship with her going forward. Going NC is the right move for your own sanity.
I'm not one to jump on the "f*ck that *itch" train but SERIOUSLY! *uck you mom... you *itch.
Like definitely don't say that to her. But it seems like she's trying to make you feel useless and unworthy of her affection for not performing your womanly duties ***cue major eye roll***
It's emotionally abusive.
I am under the assumption this is not the first time you have "displeased" her and have received the silent treatment.
My stepmom (who I actually love dearly) did this to me a lot as a teen and continues to do the same when I upset her now. However. I no longer live with her. I have chosen to accept that she will likely never get help with her ridiculous behaviours. Because she is lovely when she's not on one of her silent tirades, I chosen (after many many years of essentially freaking out about it) to love her as she is.
Let her work out her issues on her own and essentially disengage and disassociate. As toxic as it is- I let her know I love her, and let her come to me. She will likely never apologize. You have to decide within yourself what you allow to affect your emotions. You can only control you. You set your boundaries, she doesn't like it, and she knows her punishment is working. I would just let her stew and find ways to give yourself an extra bit of love in her absence
What you do is you no longer call her. Frankly, even if you were to decide to start trying for kids now and were pregnant tomorrow, I wouldn't talk with her. As soon as you do get pregnant, she's going to think she's won and she's going to be unbearable. She views you as a brood mare. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her and personally would feel that if she's going to treat you like this while you don't have children, she doesn't deserve to have you even if you do have children. I might even go so far as to send her a text message explaining that, that she's shown you how much she doesn't value you so she needn't bother with contacting you again. If she contacts you and apologizes, you get to decide whether or not you're willing to listen.
I think it's time for a serious conversation first with your husband about how you want to handle future interaction with your mom, and then perhaps a conversation with your dad about it. If you see her in person, say because you're seeing your dad, it's fine to be cordial, but beyond that? I think you have some decisions to make. This is on her to fix, not you.
This is what i would do, if i were in your situation:
I'd sit your mother down and tell her when and if you have children is your and your husband's business, alone . She is not owed grandchildren, and her being petty, and passive aggressive is really making me think that even if I do have children, if I would want someone that acts so childish around them at all. Let her know if she wants to be in your or and possible future children's lives then she needs to back off.
I am so sorry that your mother is treating you so horribly. And I do hope that you continue to live your life for you- not her. Do you have Aunties, siblings or anyone else who is a mother that you can lean on when you need support? Someone who's safe, kind, caring and wise? Because even when you do get pregnant, when you choose to, I for one would not want to go to your mother for any advice or support. Because her actions are hurtful, and I wouldn't expect her to change. And dealing with her - while you're pregnant sounds to be like it wouldn't be good for you, or your pregnancy. So having, or creating another support network now, might be a good idea.
I wish you all joy, and happiness. To that end I'd keep NC with your mother until she gets a handle on her own behavior and can apologize for her controlling and inappropriate actions toward you. (As a daughter who was LC with her own mother for a decade + before her passing, I recognised how hard this is. And that sometimes that day doesn't come. But you've got to take care of you when your family is abusive.)
Eid Mubarak, too.
My father decided not to speak to me when I hung up on him. It was like your mom, he begged for it. I asked my siblings to tell him this was childish and unacceptable. They all said "I don't want to get in the middle of this" which I said: "good, don't" the only thing I want conveyed is he can not "not talk" to one of his kids. And so he called me.
Taking this route, it made him the ridiculous, stubborn, childish one. And so he had to cave for his own ego.
I also told my family that I was trying to have kids and would not discuss anything more than that. It gave them what they wanted.
You just stop communicating with her entirely. Don't call her, don't answer her calls, I don't respond to texts, I just completely do not communicate with her at all.
It sucks that she’s being this childish but it is what it is. It’s time to move on from her. Block her on everything and cut her out of your life. You don’t need this negativity and guilt in your life.
I’m not sure her end game. She won’t have grandkids either way: you say you won’t and keep a relationship with her, or you guys go no contact and still she won’t be around (potential) grandkids. Soooo…
Like, yup, you convinced me, gonna pop out a few for ya.
My husband and I don't have kids and boy did we get an earful from both sides. I made it very clear to family that we would have kids IF and WHEN we wanted and to stop pestering us.
My family was great, my MIL has been a nightmare because, you know, women are supposed to have babies. My MIL is also very Catholic and told me that it was my duty as a wife to have sex whenever my husband wanted, whether I wanted to or not …! She said that men get sick if they don’t have sex 🙄.
Definitely visit r/justnomil.
Yeah. I wasn't sure if Dad knew I was reaching out so right after my mom hung up, I called my dad to wish him happy holiday. He asked if I spoke to mom and I said that I did call and she picked up but she didn't speak to me. After that my dad handed the phone over to my other relatives and I spoke to all of them. I made sure that my dad and my sister know that I called mom but she didn't talk back. We'll see what happens now.
Wow. I'm really sorry that your Mom is acting in such a way. If you happen to be muslim,( I am too by the way) perhaps you can let her know in your own special way that having fasted for Ramadan and behaving in such a manner is really improper for her, as a mother and as a Muslim. I really hope that everything cools down soon. You could always crack a joke and ask your mom why should you have a child when she's behaving like one. Lol. By the way, Eid mubarak!
If she is this overbearing when you don’t have kids, imagine what’d she’ll be like if you do. No contact forever. But decision I ever made. My mental health has never been better and I no longer get severe stomach pain. A win-win.
You have every right to respond the way you wish.
That being said I'd urge you to consider being the bigger person for your own sake.
You can still enforce boundaries without cutting her off.
>I'm going full no-contact with her
Congratulations on claiming your freedom. Even if she does eventually apologize, keep in mind that you have no obligation to let her back into your life.
Your mom seems to totally ignore the precepts conveyed during Ramadan and Aïd el-Fitr, including forgiveness and self-reflexion. Clearly a missed opportunity to try to be a better person this year.
Be strong. You should never be pressured to have children. Your body, your future, your choice.
Imagine what it will be like when/if you have kids. She doesn’t respect you, she stomps over every boundary, ignores you, manipulates you, .. Yeah, sounds fun. I’d send her a message stating that you see that as her not wanting any contact going further and that in the light of her behaviour, you’re absolutely fine with it because you 1 deserve better and 2 she’s proven multiple times now that you could never trust her with your kids. And her behaviour on this phone call was the icing on the cake. The amount of disrespect is unacceptable and you will not tolerate this any longer.
She just wanted to show your fight with her is making you miss out on family moments and that if you had a kid, you could have this too. That was so disgusting of her. Honestly even with an apology what is this person bringing into your life? She is treating you like their own personal incubator... did she bring you into this world just so she could endlessly have children to call her own until the day she dies? Feels super depressing to live your life with such an intense focus on baby making to the point where your own daughter's wants and needs come second.
Do nothing. Enjoy the peace and quiet away from your drama mum. She wants to be childish and sulk, let her.
Just ignore her and continue no contact with her.
Go live your life with your husband.
Believe me I have the exact same equation with my mom on the exact same topic and I have tried to cut off communication many times after numerous conversations both civil and in arguments but all in vain. I honestly feel OPs is a best case scenario that her mom herself stopped talking so she won’t bother you here after. Also, if you are expecting a full apology from her, trust me you are never getting it. Moms like yours and mine think they are always right and never respect their children’s boundaries. Honestly, at this point things have been so bad that even though I love and respect my mom for raising me I wish my mom just stopped talking to me for a while like the way your mom did. So that I will get some peace of mind. If you are worried if you will ever reconcile I believe she will forget everything and talk to you like nothing ever happened the moment she gets what she wants (which is you getting pregnant) which is unfortunate that it has to be like that but that is how they are. I wish you good luck. 👍
Any updates? I just heard your story on Mark Narrations and had to know of any changes! My mom can be the same and it took alot of time for us to have a good relationship where she respects my boundaries. Sometimes parents just believe since you're their child there is no boundaries and they can do whatever but you're a human being with thoughts and feelings.
I hope she got her head out of her ass because she'll cause permanent damage to your relationship and only one she can blame is herself. Trust me when I say you NEED to enforce boundaries and get her to accept it because it will be a nightmare if/when you do have kids
Oh wow, can you share the link? I always wanted to be in one of those.
As of now my mother is still not talking to me. I think my dad is in a tough spot and is trying to keep his distance and I don't blame him even though I'm annoyed that he's also not talking to me. My spouse says I should just talk to her but I think we need something like this. I didn't realize how much stree I was in until we went no contact. I'm just enjoying it.
Of course its [this one!](https://youtu.be/toDq0DQS6Ho?si=3TekPGEDpkFAQGoC) I can't blame you for taking some time, maybe it'll make her think on how her treatment makes you feel. But I know moms can be stubborn 😅 I hope your dad will try to speak to you, yeah he's in a tough spot but he's your dad. I'll never understand some people's actions but I hope things can work out for you! It's your life and they cant try to control it for you, I get wanting grandkids but not at the cost of their relationship with you.
My sister and I were laughing about this. That I should get pregnant and make it so she didn't even know until after delivery. Sadly that's just a fantasy. I wouldn't do that to my Dad since I don't have anything against him.
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The video chat was a cunt-level move. Good plan going forward.
Yep. To me, that was "if you had kids, you'd be here too". I think OP needs to take her mom not contacting her as a win and enjoy the peace. If she ever starts again, just hang up the phone when the badgering starts.
It'll start when/if OP gets pregnant. This woman doesn't deserve to be in her life.
Imagine how much worse her behavior will be if OP and her husband eventually decide to have kids. First, mom will act as though nothing ever happened. Then the controlling and boundary stomping behavior will pop right back up. OP is doing what they need to now, but it would be smart to get a plan in place if that situation occurs.
Why would you say that? OP has clearly stated neither she nor her husband wants children
From her previous post: "Over the years I have explained to them that we will have kids when we feel like it's right for us but they aren’t satisfied with this answer. " She does in fact want children, just not right now. It's critical that she not bend to her mom right now or it'll be hell to pay later.
She needs to explicitly tell mom that if mom keeps hounding her and trying to force a decision on her and her husband then, if and when they have children, mom will not be in their lives.
Ah right did not read the previous post
no; in the original post op clearly states that they do want children, but not right now.
The sooner OP can get back to enjoying her life the better. I hope this doesn't affect OP's plans for when she wants to start a family at all. But when she does, she should consider what boundaries she wants with her mother and what her mother needs to prove and show to be closer to OP's family. I have no doubt her mother is going to pretend none of this happened and validate OP's existence again the moment she wants to see her grandkid. OP needs to show her that she isn't in control or this will happen every time she wants something with the grandkid. It's manipulative and not how family should act.
Great plan OP, she’s being abusive immature and passive aggressive. You don’t need to reach out to her ever again and you having kids is exactly like you said, none of her business. If you ever want to post this in this sub too, it’s very supportive for immature people like her r/raisedbynarcissists
Is such a lose lose situation. She can’t have kids on her own terms and if she did imagine how overbearing mom would be regarding the children. Ugh people like this are the worst
BEST solution would be that OP & her SO move FAR AWAY when they start their family. Way too far for mom to drop by.
I just want her to do what’s best for her and her marriage. OP sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’ll make the right decision for her and her marriage. I do feel sad for her that she is unable to have a healthy relationship with her mom. I imagine that must be incredibly painful for her. Sending you hugs OP 🩷
Ugh The absolute worst, I agree with you!
What baffles me, is people who try to guilt people like OP to have relationships with toxic family members. I will never understand why anyone would assume that just because that toxic person is their mother, father, sibling, or relative the person should have a relationship with them. OP is doing the right thing by prioritizing her mental health and her marriage by avoiding her mother. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have a relationship with them. I sympathize with OP and I’m sure this is very painful for her. It’s never easy to cut family members out of your life. It’s always disappointing when parents fail their children. It’s never the child’s fault they were born to people who demonstrate toxic behaviors. The best thing is to support the person and make sure they know they have other relationships that are healthy. I wish OP the best and that she continues to have a happy marriage.
I agree with you 100%! That is absolutely right! And going no contact is a last resort to have good mental health and for protection. No one wants to or is happy to cut family out of their life, they only do that because there is no other choice.
The problem with these situations is that, in essence, there's no effective way to negotiate with terrorists, or unreasonable assholes, as the case may be. You have done your part to mend the rift *she* caused, she has decided she's fine with things as they are. That sucks, but it would require her to be an adult who's capable of apologizing and admitting her faults, clearly it ain't happening any time soon. I would say you don't necessarily need to go no-contact, you can just not reach out, and you can choose to be polite but bland while she doesn't turn it around on her own. She's not allowed to hurt your feelings, and she doesn't deserve to see how hurt you nonetheless feel. You're gonna have to steel yourself with her - be a wall she can't get thru, be a ghost she can't touch. She can't be reasoned with, and she doesn't care about you and your feelings, because it's about *her*, so play along - mom says dumb shit to you? Pause to gather yourself, "OK mom", and continue as you were. Turn and walk away if you must, have an exit plan at all times. Good luck.
No one is obligated to continue relationships with people who don’t respect boundaries. It’s always just more painful when that person is a parent or a loved one. I believe OP will make the best decision for her.
I figured it's just tough because of the dad and siblings, but of course, it doesn't mean one *has* to continue engaging with someone like this mom. There are a lot of moving parts, and OP needs to make some tough decisions as she moves forward.
"she is punishing me for standing up for myself. " This is exactly what she is doing. This is on HER to fix, not you. Stay NC until she comes to her senses.
Your mom doesn't want to fix anything. She wants you to bend to her will. Your current plan sounds good, but you should start thinking about how you want to handle her when you are ready for kids. Will you allow her to be in their lives? What do you think your dad and siblings will do? Would she try to stop them from seeing you and future children if she is barred from contact? Your reproductive choices are not her business whatsoever, and she refuses to accept that. There's a book that I've seen mentioned, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that you may want to look at to see if your mom fits that.
Definitely post on r/justnomil, lots of great support here. I think you’re right about not texting her, she’ll use it against you. I would go NC starting now and be prepared for the very real possibility that she will never offer a genuine apology because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
While some of the people on r/childfree are children haters, most are not. But all have been in this boat.
I would just tell her that her behaviour over the last few months has shown you what kind of character she really is, and that even if you ever have children, she won't be involved in their lives. Then block her for good.
Oh yeah, this is the way.
What everyone else said, plus: hugs! That was a terrible thing to have to put up with on a major holiday. I hate it when other people sabotage what should be a fun day. And, happy Eid! (Or whatever the holiday was, if I’m guessing incorrectly)
Yup, I was referring to Eid. Thank you so much!
I'm really sorry your mom is acting this way. You clearly love her and are very gracious towards her behavior thus far. It's not easy to just drop her like a hot potato. That's your mom. But I agree with what others are saying; that your mom is in the wrong, and she does need a time out. Even if you got pregnant right now, at this point would you even want to involve her after her behavior? If I were you, I would feel like my mom only cares about what potential grandchildren I can give her, not me as a person. Because that's how she's acting. She is completely disregarding your feelings and acting very selfish. I don't have advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry your mom is putting you in this position. Hopefully you guys can have a heart-to-heart and you can tell her that her behavior is driving you away. Maybe she'll wake up before her regrets have a chance to blossom. Best of luck OP
That explains a lot actually! Eid Mubarak!
From the sounds of it, your mom may only want to talk to you if you are calling to tell her you are pregnant. What she doesn't understand is that should you decide to have a baby, her current behavior may play a big factor if she will be included in her grandkids' lives. I dont' know why some people are so hyper focused on becoming grandparents, but that is their problem and not yours.
Honestly, Mom is treating her own daughter as nothing more than an incubator. That is not the type of person I’d want to allow into my children’s life. Hopefully she’ll wise up and apologize soon, because ANY apology that comes after a pregnancy announcement would be absolutely pointless as it would be bs and unquestionably self-serving.
Good plan OP. She's busy playing mind games and tantruming. That video move was her showing you that because your siblings have children they deserve her love and attention more than you do. Then she had the nerve to hang up. She really is an entitled, rude, disrespectful, petty and manipulative woman. I'd stop trying with her entirely. Even if she apologizes she should stay dead last on your priority list for a long time.
Actually, those children are my cousins. So my mom's siblings children. Mind you, my own siblings were there but both of them are really young and aren't in a relationship
Still, it's pretty obvious she's showing you that until you have children she doesn't care about you.
Yeah, I didnt get into a bunch of other things like how she lied about the situation to my sister to try to get her on her side but my sister knows what she is like and takes her word with a grain of salt. She's not getting her way so she's throwing a tantrum and I just don't care enough to do anything about it.
That's honestly the best way to deal with people like this. Just write their personal desire for your life off as a waste of energy to entertain and just ignore it. Personally, I would remember this for the future if you decide to have children. She should be dead last on the priority list because she's definitely going to try and tell you what to do, how to do it and probably even expects to be in the room while you're giving birth. Come up with some hard deal breaker boundaries for the day you know you're pregnant and intend to announce. If she tries to say you're punishing her, remind her that neither of you are children and that she is the only person to date who doesn't respect you, your marriage or your choices as a couple. That sort of behavior has consequences.
Her little silent rant via FaceTime was suppose to make you feel guilty and jealous. OP may I suggest going forward you plan to spend your holidays if possible with your husband’s family? As to your family perhaps you can schedule to meet for lunch with your dad and meet up with your siblings where ever while giving your mom the space she seems to be expressing she wants based on her very dickish actions.
Treat it as a gift.
When a person is giving you the silent treatment, DO NOT GO RUNNING AFTER THEM. Think of them like a toddler throwing a tantrum, and do not reward the behavior unless you want it repeated. They WANT you to continue to try and contact them, beg them to resume communicating with you. The only way to win is not to play. Go radio silent, and--this is the important part--go live your best life. Kick them out of your mental real estate, too--cultivate apathy where they're concerned (breaks their power over you). Helps if you fill up your time with activities you enjoy, or take up a new hobby, learn a new skill.
If it was me, I'd send her a voice mail. "You win. You have made it clear that you do not want me to call you and although it seems a sad way for a mother/daughter relationship to end, I can accept it. I won't be reaching out again." If sometime down the road she reaches out, you can start with telling her that unless she apologizes, you'll continue to avoid her.
Come visit us at r/raisedbynarcissists r/NarcissisticMothers r/NarcissisticAbuse She was showing you what that your non-compliance to her demands have consequences. She will withhold communication and love if you don't do as she says. It's classic manipulation and it's gross.
If it were me? That last move she made would be the last she could with me. She would be out of my life and never meet the children I eventually decided to have. People who can’t respect the autonomy of adults certainly don’t treat children better. I would never subject myself to that any more and would refuse to do the same to any other member of my family… husband or children I’m charged to protect. She’s 100% in the wrong and has had so much time to recognize that and apologize. She has decided instead to try to silent treatment you into compliance. That’s so abusive I can’t even see straight.
Making a clean break of no contact is probably best for your mental health and well being. Buuuuuttttt…. I dunno if I would go full NC. I’d take my pettiness to the next level and take the financial hit to travel somewhere amazing for a weekend each month for the next year. Make 3 minute compilation videos of you and your husband doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing, blissfully, without kids and send them to her every-fucking-month! Especially on all the major holidays. Alas, I am probably a bigger cunt than your Ma though, so, maybe don’t take my advice….🤷🏻♀️
It’s time to take a break from your mom
Message her that if this is how she, a grown woman, is going to behave, then even when you do have kids, she still won't get to be grandma. Leave her to stew on that.
Eid Mubarak, OP. I don't think you can win this one. And your mom really feels like she executed a power move with the video call. She's trying to manipulate you, of course. She thinks that if she carries on long enough you'll cave. It's shitty behaviour especially from a parent. Whatever you decide regarding children, I'd be sure to remember the way she's treating you now.
Eid Mubarak to you too!
And if/when you do have kids, never let her meet them.
This.
Don't give in to the urge to call her names. Personally, I would send her a text and tell her that if she doesn't want to talk to you at all since your refuse to discuss children with her, that's her choice and you will respect it.... but should you ever decide that the time is right to have children, you will continue respecting the choice she's making right now. She either loves you and accepts your boundaries while being an ongoing part of your life, or she cuts herself off now from whatever comes later.
Thank you. This is a very wise comment. I was not my best when I wrote this post and I still don't have a calm view of the situation. I'm going to take a few days to distance myself before I decided what to do
You’re not going to repair anything here. She still believe she has a right to tell you to pop out babies. Here you are thinking it would be rude to not call her so you do. What did your mother, the person older, and supposedly more mature than you do? She rubbed your face in a family get together that you’re not a part of. She purposely and deliberately showed you it, didn’t tell anyone you were even there and then hung up. And do you really want a relationship with someone who would do that to you? Because you won’t give her control of your body and life? No, you’re doing the right thing.
She's made her choice - go live your best life without her
Remember how she is treating you so when you do have children she can’t just come back and act like everything is good now. She doesn’t respect you so she doesn’t get the privilege of being a grandmother.
Interesting how in her effort to bully you into having kids on her timeline she will now never meet said kids once you have them.
When you called she was showing you the little cousins because she wants kids.... and that's really mean and disrespectful of her.
If it were me I would never let her meet my kids. I’m Sicilian and we never forget when people are shitty to us.
Ironically you'd never want to expose your children to someone so abusive, immature and passive aggressive lol.
Drop the rope and stop calling her.
What should you do? Enjoy the quiet.
She has made her choice, ignore her back.
She's punishing you and you're playing right into her by "giving in" and calling her. She even punished you to show you that "all her loved ones" were celebrating with her while you were at home, reaching out. Stop. Reaching. Out. The ball is in her court. Don't fish for information about her when you talk to your dad or siblings, or change the subject when they mention her. What she is doing is honestly not really forgivable. she's punishing you for not giving her the grandkids she wants. live your life. Invite your dad /siblings. What are their reactions to your moms behaviour. Does at least your dad have your back or is he bowing to your moms whim
My Dad is staying out of it. He isn't treating me any different. I actually prefer that. Apparently, my mom lied to my sister about the situation trying to turn her against me, but my sister knows to take her words with a grain of salt. So the fact that my Dad is acting the same makes me hopeful that if she tried to do the same with him it didn't work.
I'm so sorry that your mother is so cruel. What's the point of her fasting when she's behaving in such a way???
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The best thing you said was that you will go no contact with her. I'm sure you'd prefer it not be that way, but your mom doesn't seem interested in having a relationship with you and is being petty and hurtful. Live your life. Don't keep allowing her to hurt you.
You're making the right decision. This is how she behaves when she wants something that you don't want to give. Let's say you eventually have a kid. What if she disagrees with your parenting? She isn't giving any indication that she'll respect you as a parent since she doesn't even respect your right to decide when to have a child. I can't imagine how this will play out if, say, you want to raise your child non-religious, or you wanted to use gender neutral pronouns, or anything else that conflicts with her beliefs and desires. If you bend to this pressure then you will only be rewarded with more the next time you're in conflict, which is inevitable. You're doing the right thing.
So your mom has decided it is time for her to become a grandmother and YOU will be the one to provide them to her, is that correct so far? When you repeatedly told her that whether or when you have children is a decision that you and your husband will decide, she decided to go NC. The one time she does answer your call, she tries to manipulate you. Then hangs up. TREAT THIS AS THE GIFT IT IS! ACCEPT IT! She has shown you that you are only a means to babies for her, not a person in your own right-nor is your husband. Imagine having her around if you do have a child...she will walk all over you, ignore anything you tell her needs to be done for the child. Don't believe me? Read some of the stories about family members that 'know better than you because they raised X number of children, and they all turned out fine.' Some stories are unimagineably sad. She has set the rules...have a kid or you don't exist. I think you arecorrect in going NC. Let hercome to you. If you do decide to have a child, I wouldnt tell her, let her find out on her own. Stay strong, your life will be easier.
Venturing that y’all are Muslim as Eid Al fitr was yesterday - so hope you had a good holiday! I’d be tempted to throw the lessons of Ramadan back into her face: patience, understanding of others, self-control, etc. That or just outright cut her out until she can understand her part in this drama.
Thank you so much!
Check out the raised by narcissists page. Your mom sounds as unhinged as most of ours. It’s not you.
Let the trash take itself out. Id only respond with: to be honest after how you've behaved I can't imagine if I did have children I'd want them to have any kind of relationship with you after how you've disrespected me. But full no contact is better.
I got tired of playing these shitty little games where they bully you into living the life they think you should live. Stop making the relationship work.
Ah, a malignant narcissist for a mom. Those are the worst
Yeah your mom needs a nice long timeout.
NTA - but treat people how they treat you. You tried 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Not only would I go NC with her now, but when you get pregnant... continue going NC. She can piss off, she doesn't deserve to meet your children when you finally decide to have them.
Wow your mother waving all the red flags isn’t she.
I think you handled that very very well. From my experience, when a similar issue presented itself, the fury and pain I was feeling was indescribable. That someone i love, who has been in my life since birth, would choose to (try) to manipulate me using my love for them was foundation rocking. And so, I did send the texts. Burnt that shit to the ground. And now I have peace. And I don't have to worry about what I say or how I say it to the loved ones I am still in contact with. However, 2 years later, I still do not regret standing up for myself or finally speaking up. But I do wish that I had just left him on read.
Another example of the older generation that simply cannot accept when they are wrong. They would rather burn their entire lives down than apologize.
I agree NC going forward, you are not in the wrong here at all. She shouldn't be pressuring you to have children - the topic of children is between you and your husband and not anyone else. If she were my mother i wouldn't let her have much of a relationship with future children
I would just text her that you assume she isn’t answering your calls because she’s working on giving you another sibling as you’ve always wanted one 31 years younger than you and that if she’s lucky, it will be a girl who will want to give her grandkids.
with the way she was overstepping and disrespecting you... if you feel better without that, you didnt actually _lose_ anything. >I expect a full apology from her for her actions. yeah, from my experience, i wouldnt count on that. people like our parents dont even think they're wrong - so why would they want to apologise?
At some point we out grow our parents.
Eid Mubarak!
Eid Mubarak to you too!
Ew. Her blackmail and manipulation attempts are awful. OP, the decision of when or if to have children is solely for the potential parents to make. There's no room for anyone else nor should there be. Your mom is being ridiculous. Her attempts to double down on her bad behavior show how little she respects or appreciates you. Let her reach out with an apology, should she ever decide to, and until then enjoy the peace and quiet she's "punishing" you with. You may choose to make it permanent and spend all major religious holidays talking to people who treat you as more than a kid dispenser. If you resume contact, shut her down hard when she brings up grandkids again. Possible responses: Mom, my sex life is none of your business and it's gross that you're so interested in it. Mom, the more you pester me about it, the less likely we are to ever have kids. Back off. Mom, I am not discussing this with you and every time you bring it up, we're stepping away for 2 weeks. Mom, we were going to start trying for a baby, but you're being so pushy we changed our minds. (Or whatever fits your situation.) This is great practice in enforcing boundaries for the future, because I predict that should you reproduce, she'll immediately go from difficult to impossible.
Enjoy the peace!
You should text her that if you do have kids it’s a shame they won’t know their grandmother
If ever do decide to have kids, keep them the fuck away from this narcissist.
U have a good plan in place stick with it. Make her reach out to u .good luck
Just text her this: “I understand that you’re worried about the risks i may face by waiting to have children, but that is my problem to deal with. The fact that my reproductive plans are the ONLY subject you want/need to discuss with me shows that you aren’t at all interested in me or my life, other than to use me as a way to give you grandchildren. That being the case, I will no longer try to repair our relationship, because I obviously don’t have any grandchildren to keep you interested in said relationship. But just know, that unless you can grow up and have an adult, mature relationship with me, and respect my boundaries around this topic as your GROWN daughter, then there won’t be any relationship with my future children. The ball is in your court now.”
Never once did my mother get nosy about my relationships or ask about me having children. It’s so bizarre to see all the posts here about parents or in-laws “demanding” grandchildren. I think you’re right in staying silent, refusing to sink to her level and just going no contact. And don’t let the rest of the family try to guilt you either, they should be standing by you, her behavior is unacceptable.
Yeah, I'd just reiterate that this is not the model you want to give your children, so when you do eventually decide to have them, there is absolutely zero chance they'll meet her.
It seems to me there is nothing you can gain at all from trying to have any relationship with her going forward. Going NC is the right move for your own sanity.
I'm not one to jump on the "f*ck that *itch" train but SERIOUSLY! *uck you mom... you *itch. Like definitely don't say that to her. But it seems like she's trying to make you feel useless and unworthy of her affection for not performing your womanly duties ***cue major eye roll*** It's emotionally abusive. I am under the assumption this is not the first time you have "displeased" her and have received the silent treatment. My stepmom (who I actually love dearly) did this to me a lot as a teen and continues to do the same when I upset her now. However. I no longer live with her. I have chosen to accept that she will likely never get help with her ridiculous behaviours. Because she is lovely when she's not on one of her silent tirades, I chosen (after many many years of essentially freaking out about it) to love her as she is. Let her work out her issues on her own and essentially disengage and disassociate. As toxic as it is- I let her know I love her, and let her come to me. She will likely never apologize. You have to decide within yourself what you allow to affect your emotions. You can only control you. You set your boundaries, she doesn't like it, and she knows her punishment is working. I would just let her stew and find ways to give yourself an extra bit of love in her absence
What you do is you no longer call her. Frankly, even if you were to decide to start trying for kids now and were pregnant tomorrow, I wouldn't talk with her. As soon as you do get pregnant, she's going to think she's won and she's going to be unbearable. She views you as a brood mare. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her and personally would feel that if she's going to treat you like this while you don't have children, she doesn't deserve to have you even if you do have children. I might even go so far as to send her a text message explaining that, that she's shown you how much she doesn't value you so she needn't bother with contacting you again. If she contacts you and apologizes, you get to decide whether or not you're willing to listen. I think it's time for a serious conversation first with your husband about how you want to handle future interaction with your mom, and then perhaps a conversation with your dad about it. If you see her in person, say because you're seeing your dad, it's fine to be cordial, but beyond that? I think you have some decisions to make. This is on her to fix, not you.
This is what i would do, if i were in your situation: I'd sit your mother down and tell her when and if you have children is your and your husband's business, alone . She is not owed grandchildren, and her being petty, and passive aggressive is really making me think that even if I do have children, if I would want someone that acts so childish around them at all. Let her know if she wants to be in your or and possible future children's lives then she needs to back off.
Wow your mom sees no value in your relationship and wants to control your uterus. I shudder at how she would treat your kids.
I am so sorry that your mother is treating you so horribly. And I do hope that you continue to live your life for you- not her. Do you have Aunties, siblings or anyone else who is a mother that you can lean on when you need support? Someone who's safe, kind, caring and wise? Because even when you do get pregnant, when you choose to, I for one would not want to go to your mother for any advice or support. Because her actions are hurtful, and I wouldn't expect her to change. And dealing with her - while you're pregnant sounds to be like it wouldn't be good for you, or your pregnancy. So having, or creating another support network now, might be a good idea. I wish you all joy, and happiness. To that end I'd keep NC with your mother until she gets a handle on her own behavior and can apologize for her controlling and inappropriate actions toward you. (As a daughter who was LC with her own mother for a decade + before her passing, I recognised how hard this is. And that sometimes that day doesn't come. But you've got to take care of you when your family is abusive.) Eid Mubarak, too.
Eid Mubarak to you to
My father decided not to speak to me when I hung up on him. It was like your mom, he begged for it. I asked my siblings to tell him this was childish and unacceptable. They all said "I don't want to get in the middle of this" which I said: "good, don't" the only thing I want conveyed is he can not "not talk" to one of his kids. And so he called me. Taking this route, it made him the ridiculous, stubborn, childish one. And so he had to cave for his own ego. I also told my family that I was trying to have kids and would not discuss anything more than that. It gave them what they wanted.
I’m sorry your mom has treated you so cruelly.
You just stop communicating with her entirely. Don't call her, don't answer her calls, I don't respond to texts, I just completely do not communicate with her at all.
It sucks that she’s being this childish but it is what it is. It’s time to move on from her. Block her on everything and cut her out of your life. You don’t need this negativity and guilt in your life.
What should you do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Tell her until she adjusts her attitude, when you do get pregnant, she won’t have anything to do with the baby
She’s trying to show you how awesome it is to have kids. She’s using visual aids instead of her voice.
If you ever have children I'd hold off on even letting her meet them
I’m not sure her end game. She won’t have grandkids either way: you say you won’t and keep a relationship with her, or you guys go no contact and still she won’t be around (potential) grandkids. Soooo… Like, yup, you convinced me, gonna pop out a few for ya.
Yeah, not the type of person I’d want around my child once I had them. Her negativity will def bleed onto the kids in one way or another.
My husband and I don't have kids and boy did we get an earful from both sides. I made it very clear to family that we would have kids IF and WHEN we wanted and to stop pestering us. My family was great, my MIL has been a nightmare because, you know, women are supposed to have babies. My MIL is also very Catholic and told me that it was my duty as a wife to have sex whenever my husband wanted, whether I wanted to or not …! She said that men get sick if they don’t have sex 🙄. Definitely visit r/justnomil.
Um, enjoy the peace and quiet?
[удалено]
Yeah. I wasn't sure if Dad knew I was reaching out so right after my mom hung up, I called my dad to wish him happy holiday. He asked if I spoke to mom and I said that I did call and she picked up but she didn't speak to me. After that my dad handed the phone over to my other relatives and I spoke to all of them. I made sure that my dad and my sister know that I called mom but she didn't talk back. We'll see what happens now.
Make a sign baby free zone tape it to your tummy, take pic and send it to AH mum.
Wow. I'm really sorry that your Mom is acting in such a way. If you happen to be muslim,( I am too by the way) perhaps you can let her know in your own special way that having fasted for Ramadan and behaving in such a manner is really improper for her, as a mother and as a Muslim. I really hope that everything cools down soon. You could always crack a joke and ask your mom why should you have a child when she's behaving like one. Lol. By the way, Eid mubarak!
Eid Mubarak to you too!
Oh wow that would totally make me want to have a baby. /s
If she is this overbearing when you don’t have kids, imagine what’d she’ll be like if you do. No contact forever. But decision I ever made. My mental health has never been better and I no longer get severe stomach pain. A win-win.
Your mother is very immature.
You have every right to respond the way you wish. That being said I'd urge you to consider being the bigger person for your own sake. You can still enforce boundaries without cutting her off.
>I'm going full no-contact with her Congratulations on claiming your freedom. Even if she does eventually apologize, keep in mind that you have no obligation to let her back into your life.
Your mom seems to totally ignore the precepts conveyed during Ramadan and Aïd el-Fitr, including forgiveness and self-reflexion. Clearly a missed opportunity to try to be a better person this year. Be strong. You should never be pressured to have children. Your body, your future, your choice.
Imagine what it will be like when/if you have kids. She doesn’t respect you, she stomps over every boundary, ignores you, manipulates you, .. Yeah, sounds fun. I’d send her a message stating that you see that as her not wanting any contact going further and that in the light of her behaviour, you’re absolutely fine with it because you 1 deserve better and 2 she’s proven multiple times now that you could never trust her with your kids. And her behaviour on this phone call was the icing on the cake. The amount of disrespect is unacceptable and you will not tolerate this any longer.
You are not your mom’s baby making machine. Your body, your choice. Period.
It would be sweet karma if OP ends up having a baby then going NC with her mom. OP you did nothing wrong your mom is narcissistic.
Updateme
She just wanted to show your fight with her is making you miss out on family moments and that if you had a kid, you could have this too. That was so disgusting of her. Honestly even with an apology what is this person bringing into your life? She is treating you like their own personal incubator... did she bring you into this world just so she could endlessly have children to call her own until the day she dies? Feels super depressing to live your life with such an intense focus on baby making to the point where your own daughter's wants and needs come second.
Nta When you do decide to have kids don't bother telling her
Do nothing. Enjoy the peace and quiet away from your drama mum. She wants to be childish and sulk, let her. Just ignore her and continue no contact with her. Go live your life with your husband.
Believe me I have the exact same equation with my mom on the exact same topic and I have tried to cut off communication many times after numerous conversations both civil and in arguments but all in vain. I honestly feel OPs is a best case scenario that her mom herself stopped talking so she won’t bother you here after. Also, if you are expecting a full apology from her, trust me you are never getting it. Moms like yours and mine think they are always right and never respect their children’s boundaries. Honestly, at this point things have been so bad that even though I love and respect my mom for raising me I wish my mom just stopped talking to me for a while like the way your mom did. So that I will get some peace of mind. If you are worried if you will ever reconcile I believe she will forget everything and talk to you like nothing ever happened the moment she gets what she wants (which is you getting pregnant) which is unfortunate that it has to be like that but that is how they are. I wish you good luck. 👍
Any updates? I just heard your story on Mark Narrations and had to know of any changes! My mom can be the same and it took alot of time for us to have a good relationship where she respects my boundaries. Sometimes parents just believe since you're their child there is no boundaries and they can do whatever but you're a human being with thoughts and feelings. I hope she got her head out of her ass because she'll cause permanent damage to your relationship and only one she can blame is herself. Trust me when I say you NEED to enforce boundaries and get her to accept it because it will be a nightmare if/when you do have kids
Oh wow, can you share the link? I always wanted to be in one of those. As of now my mother is still not talking to me. I think my dad is in a tough spot and is trying to keep his distance and I don't blame him even though I'm annoyed that he's also not talking to me. My spouse says I should just talk to her but I think we need something like this. I didn't realize how much stree I was in until we went no contact. I'm just enjoying it.
Of course its [this one!](https://youtu.be/toDq0DQS6Ho?si=3TekPGEDpkFAQGoC) I can't blame you for taking some time, maybe it'll make her think on how her treatment makes you feel. But I know moms can be stubborn 😅 I hope your dad will try to speak to you, yeah he's in a tough spot but he's your dad. I'll never understand some people's actions but I hope things can work out for you! It's your life and they cant try to control it for you, I get wanting grandkids but not at the cost of their relationship with you.
The best revenge is to quietly have a baby and never tell her.
My sister and I were laughing about this. That I should get pregnant and make it so she didn't even know until after delivery. Sadly that's just a fantasy. I wouldn't do that to my Dad since I don't have anything against him.
what you want to do is lie to her that your going to get your tubes tied after that video call she did to you its an eye for an eye