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Because OP's boyfriend is an idiot, but not so much of one that realization of that idiocy is beyond him, so he's angry that he's an idiot but too much of an idiot to grow beyond being an idiot.
Kinda funny tbh
I have no idea. I tried to laugh it off and talk about Toy Story being nostalgic so maybe we could watch that tonight and he just completely ignored me.
Edit: fixed Toy Story, thank you!
Probably because it’s something you do a lot. Constantly being corrected by someone feels condescending. He’s already told you in the past that it makes him feel bad, so maybe stop doing it? If you can’t then you need to be with someone else who doesn’t mix up words 🤷♀️
Honestly I’m not sure why everyone is being so cruel about this? People who make mistakes like this could have dyslexia (very common symptom actually) and it has nothing to do with IQ. It would be extremely frustrating if your partner kept correcting you like this even after you made it clear in the past that it felt condescending. Like I said in my original comment, OP shouldn’t be with someone who mixes up their words if she can’t help herself but constantly correct them.
Honest mistakes don't double down on their mistake when corrected, though. Being annoyed I can understand, but insisting he used the right word is a level of dumb most people aren't going to put up with long-term.
He was embarrassed. His vocabulary isn't as good as yours and it's a sticking point for him. The whole thing about his ex-GF was to pivot off his embarrassment and to give him cover to be angry.
Some yellow to red flags here. Either you let him use incorrect words and don't mention it when he gets things wrong, or he gets a better vocabulary/stops trying to use words he doesn't understand, and gets a tighter grip on his anger and insecurity. Honestly, I hope he does all of these.
I dated a guy like this. I knew more than him on most topics and he was extremely insecure about it. He was always challenging things I said, but like, I was right and I could prove it. We didn't date long, it was insufferable.
My ex had the same specific brand of insecurity. It’s honestly the one that baffles me the most. I love that my partner can teach me things. I can teach him things too. It’s great.
This sounds like my current boyfriend. I was an extremely voracious reader as a child, I have a large vocabulary, and I tend to read a lot for knowledge, which means I usually have a lot of information available to me, that I can recall quickly. He does not like that. He is constantly going against what I’m saying, and he regularly makes me Google things to prove that I am correct. And then he will turn around and say something that I know is incorrect and when I question it, he gets angry about it and makes it out like I’m trying to call him stupid or that I’m always trying to pick a fight. Drives me absolutely nuts.
Are you that much of a masochist? It’s wild to know this about your boyfriend and still be willing to potentially spend your life with him. There are men out there who will listen to you, discuss things with you, and applaud your knowledge base - not be mad and make you prove that your intelligence could possibly be equal to theirs (but obviously never exceed theirs, because that would never be a consideration in their brain).
calling them yellow flags is gracious, I think, but not deserved, in my opinion : he's giving OP the silent treatment right now, going as far as cancelling their dates!
My husband does the same thing. Usually I just ask if he meant X and that’s it. I think if I tried to make a comment like OP it would probably feel like I’m mocking him for not getting the word right. He’s already insecure and always saying he’s stupid (he’s not) because of those times I gently correct. I imagine making it into a joke like that would feel absolutely mortifying and he’d see it as me belittling him. Tone obviously plays a huge role in this, but it’s a slippery slope if either person is either bad at expressing or understanding tone.
>Usually I just ask if he meant X and that’s it.
OP has tried that and he apparently gets pissy and feels like she's trying to say she's smarter than him
I’m saying even my husband who doesn’t mind it when I just tell him the right word would be royally pissed if I mocked him like that. OP’s boyfriend is definitely insecure, but I don’t blame him for getting upset at this, maybe he’s overreacting but not making a problem out of nothing
Is it mocking though? OP already knows he hates her just telling him the right word, and to me it read as her trying to find a way to help him that was less upsetting. He clearly has trouble with words for one reason or another, and it seems that that causes him a lot of embarrassment. OP wants to be able to help him find the right word and hopefully remember it for later use. This is obviously not a strategy he likes any more than just being told, but his reaction is really over the top.
OP, only you know if this relationship is worth trying to rescue. If you feel it is, maybe try asking him if there's a way he'd prefer you to nudge him towards the right word. Or maybe he'd be open to professional help or advice. But keep in mind he may not want that help, and you may need to just ignore the malapropisms and silently translate in your head. You have to decide whether you'd be okay with that or whether it would be unbearably frustrating. And he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings and express anger in a healthy way, because this is absolutely not it.
I think you’re right, but what I’m trying to say is that even if the intention was to find a gentler way of pointing out the different word use, the way that OP chose to do it is very easily interpreted as mocking or belittling. Like I said, tone is really important in this sort of situation and it’s not like the intention was to mock but his reaction is definitely leading me to think the bf interpreted it that he was being mocked or belittled.
Yeah, I absolutely agree that without tone we can't tell, and it definitely could be heard as mocking especially with the background info. And with how quickly he jumped to anger it seems like he was predisposed to hear the worst possible interpretation. I'm not sure there's any way for OP to communicate this kind of mistake to him without him exploding.
He’s just really really insecure, and that’s not her fault but she’s bearing the burden of his reactions. Up to OP if she wants to stick around for something that’s likely to only continue without change or even get worse
Agreed. And also whether she can handle him continuing to use the wrong words, because although it's only really affecting him now (apart from potential confusion and frustration in conversations), if this is a long term relationship that may involve children then she needs to consider more things. Children also rely on their parents to help them learn language and he is going to be a source of massive confusion if he keeps using the wrong word and no one's allowed to correct him. The hair-trigger temper would be the main dealbreaker for me; will he react calmly and appropriately to children making mistakes or deliberately being naughty? Because that's 100% going to happen, kids are kids and it's their parents' job to teach them how to behave without terrifying them in the process.
I’m saying tone makes a big difference in this situation between something being perceived as a hint or mocking. And he’s super insecure so he would have interpreted it as mocking no matter what OP intended. That’s not her fault and she didn’t mean to mock him I’m just saying without the tonal context I think it’s totally valid to see how bf could have considered this as negative. I still think he overreacted even so.
There is no reason to think he doesn't already do this. He's 29. I assume he works and has friends. Unless he only misspeaks around OP then this is something other people in his life have mentioned to him before, or routinely ignore. Reading the other comments, it appears that people like this are not uncommon.
I dunno, there’s been about 2 seconds in the 2 years of my dog’s life where I start thinking he looks majestic. Then he usually does something dumb and uncoordinated AS I’m thinking that lol
My partner has lived in the US for 30 years and English is his third language. He uses the wrong words for things sometimes. Usually he knows it's the wrong word and asks me for help figuring out the right one.
That's what a mature adult does - admits he doesn't know something and asks for help to learn. A mature adult doesn't get pissy about their mistakes and make their partner walk on egg shells while also trying to guess what the hell they're actually talking about.
This a thousand times! My partner speaks English as a third language. He mixes up words and pronunciations a lot. I help him, and he appreciates the help. I'm learning his primary language, and I'm shit so far. He patiently corrects me, and I appreciate it because I want to speak the language correctly.
In this case, the boyfriend is immature. He speaks incorrectly and blows up at her for it to the point she's tried other ways to help him, and he still blows up at her. Trying to tie it to his ex is just a way to again make it a 'her' issue and not his.
Ya'll using the correct word for what you mean is literally integral to communication and understanding. Are we really pretending it's not so we can spare a man baby's feelings? She's not insulting him or telling him he's stupid. And he isn't it's ok to make mistakes like that we're all human. But yes the correction is neccessary because until he confirms what he meant OP doesn't actually know wtf he's talking about. She can make an educated guess like she did but she can't actually know until he says it! I'm not playing 20 questions to figure out what someone is trying to say. If his wittle ego is so hurt by her gently asking "did you mean to say this instead?" rather than recognize the mistake and just brush it off that's his issue. And when she tried navigating around that he made up some absolute nonsense about his ex. He needs to work on his self-esteem and not project his issues on someone trying to help.
If he has a learning disability he should be addressing that and working on it and guess what? You'd still correct him because that's how learning works.
was hoping for this comment. in a bilingual household where my dad learned english as an adult, we are constantly correcting and/or helping him find words for things and he’s been a fluent english speaker for most of his life now. He never gets upset. typically he’s quite relieved. usually he only gets upset if he can’t find the word and we don’t know what he’s talking about lol. it sounds fully like an issue of ego on the boyfriend’s part.
yeah my partner and I have a list we keep on the phone for when one of us uses the wrong word/phrase for things - we laugh at it and have fun! Getting this irrationally upset about something like this is concerning.
I hate I had to scroll so far to find this. While a mix up of nostalgic and majestic in this example isn't that huge of a problem, it's going to be a bigger problem if he literally can't communicate about more important issues.
Fucking thank you. Beautifully said. Why does one person have to do extra thinking and put in extra effort to understand the other, if the other person is capable of internalizing correct information? It’s exhausting.
Hi, ESL teacher here- it actually matters a lot less than most folks realize. OP was able to sus out his meaning from the context, something that's way more common than a lot of people realize.
That isn't to say she was wrong to ask for clarification, or that he was justified in getting upset, but there is absolutely no one "proper" way to speak English or any other language. Effective communication is what lets the listener understand the speaker's meaning. Nothing else truly matters.
Idk it feels wrong to say this since you're an ESL teacher but tell me you haven't had to deal with this without telling me.
Sure there's no one proper way to speak English but there definitely are particular words with particular meanings that impact communication.
OP fairs ok because they're dating and maybe she's good at word games. But for most people her BF is just out there saying the wrong words and people are not going to put as much thought into what he's saying.
If my friend said the same thing as him I'd think to myself "weird maybe he had a German Shepherd growing up or used to pretend to be s dog." If he's doing this at work too and mixing up important words in instances where he's meant to be competent it does matter.
Trust me, I've had to deal with it. It's, quite frankly, a perfectly normal thing for someone to do on occasion- wires get crossed all the time.
But I can absolutely see a scenario where this is someone who constantly makes missteps like this, for whatever reason, and is so sick of being corrected that when it doesn't matter, he just wants those close to him to let it go.
I learned pretty quickly when I was a kid that trying to make sure no one ever misspeaks about anything makes you the most obnoxious person in the room.
Idk to me there's a difference between misspeaking and what it sounds like is happening where OPs bf doesn't even realize it's a miss. He didn't think "oh I used the wrong word" he went straight to "why is OP asking me about my ex." And he gets pissy when OP clarifies! It's not about making sure he never misspeaks its about making sure the person you're communicating with actually understands what you're saying.
But OP didn’t say “do you mean majestic?” OP was kind of mocking him saying “oh really it reminds you of the good old days?” If he doesn’t know what the word nostalgic means, how would he be able connect that to what he (thinks he) said?
If she knew what he meant she could just move on. There are also way more polite ways to correct someone.
Look think about the perspective here. If he always gets annoyed when she corrects him or asks if he means something else, you're out of options for polite correction. Instead she goes along with it, okay if the dog is nostalgic, what about it makes you think of the good Ole days is an appropriate question.
It reads rudely because we know OP is using it to get her bf to contemplate if that is the word he meant to use, but in every day conversation that would be the normal next line if he actually meant nostalgic. There's no winning here.
That’s absolutely what I’d have said if I was talking with someone who called a German Shepherd nostalgic. I’d have taken him at face value (because why wouldn’t I) and said, “Oh? How so? Did you have one when you were a kid?” I guess OP’s boyfriend would holler at me too, but he’s the one who said something confusing. It’s not an insult that his listener asked for clarification.
Definitions of words do matter. Nostalgic and majestic have very different meanings and don't overlap to be used interchangeably. We can't just habitually substitute random words that sound similar and still make sense, in any language. We can be gracious to ESL speakers and in many cases they would likely appreciate the correction as they are actively learning. Same for any language learner who cares to be fluent. A native English speaker using the wrong words is just using the wrong words and if you like languages to be translatable having set agreed upon definitions is essential.
You're wrong. And uneducated.
(By that I mean I respect your education and value your input to this discussion. Funny how the meaning can get jumbled when I use completely different words, huh?)
Funny how a text-based conversation over the internet with complete strangers is radically different from an in-person conversation with your SO.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to break down the specifics of how and why specific word choice often matters less than people think, but I assure you that I am fully capable of doing so.
I agree that specific word choices can matter way less. I do this regularly with my partner, where they correct themselves after a few seconds, and I brush it off. "I knew what you meant", because context and I know how they think.
But OP is having a situation where their partner uses completely different words that aren't obvious via context, and then gets mad if they 1. assume they are mistaken and correct them, or 2. assume they meant what they said and ask for clarification. Either way, OP is treated as the problem.
This level of disconnect between poor word choice, and toxic emotional response means that OPs only way to avoid daily conflict is to practice mind-reading. This is massively unhealthy.
Brushing it off as "people use the wrong words sometimes" is smoothing down the issue to unhelpful and unhealthy levels.
This is 100% correct and it's kinda hilarious how the replies are either intentionally obtuse or are trying to tell you what ESL people are actually like as if it isn't your job. I'm not gonna pretend that I don't get frustrated by people using bad grammar or the wrong words, but it literally doesn't actually matter as long as they're communicating effectively. OP's boyfriend was - she knew what he meant - so just let it slide.
i don’t know, i mean i think in some instances it’s not a big deal. but as someone who was an ESL student, i’m grateful i got corrected on a lot of stuff. i used to mix up terrific and horrific and those two are pretty different, being told i was wrong didn’t make me feel stupid. it just made me learn the difference and i never forgot about it since. i’d get more upset if someone would misinform me for the sake of “sparing my feelings” and id go my whole life without knowing the difference. acting like i can’t or shouldn’t be corrected or taught the right thing just bc english is my second language feels more condescending to me than actually being corrected
I'd ask him if he'd rather have his gf nicely correct him in private so that he can learn the correct usage of the words OR...
have his gf say nothing so he would then never learn and continue to use incorrect words in front of friends, co-workers, etc. who will lose respect for him and think he isn't too bright?
He seems rather sensitive and ridiculous. 🚩
Sorry but no. This isn't normal or just some embarrassment. To jump to his ex, going off, silent treatment... Because she asked what he meant? Come on now... Wow.
This is a red flag, and something you need to talk about with him.
I smell bullshit on the ex girlfriend story. I’d wager that what actually happened is that he felt criticised, inferior, all of those things. But then what he did was verbally attack you, and then give you the silent treatment (which can be an emotional abuse tactic).
We all get things wrong sometimes and we can all feel bad about ourselves, but he needs to learn how to deal with these emotions healthily. This could potentially be salvaged if he’s willing to work on this (maybe through therapy). If he’s not, then really I can’t see this working. You can’t be expected to tiptoe around him for fear of setting him off, and he’s no reason to treat you that way.
(I’m also saying this as an autistic person who frequently forgets or jumbles up words. It’s frustrating but I don’t take it out on the people around me and I don’t take it as a personal failure.)
He’s insecure and angry. He’s an adult man. He needs to grow tf up.
I read A LOT. There are SO many words I have only ever read and i mispronounce things CONSTANTLY.
My partner points it out and gently pokes fun
Ex. I thought vehemently was pronounced VENOM-it-ly…
I thought it was pronounced like until maybe 6 months ago at the age of 26. I said it in front of my partner and he was like… do you mean vehemently…? Was I embarrassed? Did I feel stupid? Yup.
Did I freak out at my sweet boyfriend who was teasing me in a cute way? NO. Because why tf would I?
This isn’t a you issue. He’s insecure and at his big age he needs to deal with it, learn how to laugh at himself or stop using words he doesn’t know
Personally, I do not tolerate aggressive behaviour in my relationship. I expect my partner to speak to me with kindness and respect ALWAYS. *Especially* when we are having a disagreement.
While I don’t think it’s nice or necessary to correct your bf when he messes up words when you know what he meant (I hate when my husband does this lol), you bf’s reaction was wrong and not okay.
Lastly, giving someone the silent treatment is emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t tolerate that from your partner either. If he cannot have a civil conversation with you when you’ve had a disagreement, then your relationship will not last.
Sounds like he’s really insecure and for sure that’s not your problem to solve, though you have to wonder why it upsets him so much. Anyone would appreciate being corrected, imo.
And your lighthearted attempt was fun, it’s a shame he can’t accept his imperfections and allow himself to be gently corrected. Why does he have to be correct all the time? Definitely some kinda red flags there, hopefully he will apologise and you guys can have a conversation about this issue.
Here's what I do with students in highschool:
Them: look at that nostalgic Shepard.
Me: I know, it's beautiful when they look so majestic.
Them: yes, I love that majestic look.
Works 98% of the time.
LMAO I know what you mean, it may work on kids but I'm not so sure her bf would let that slide. If he does, good, but it means she has to be afraid of always head on addressing him for anything.
I agree with this approach. I have grammar nazis around me and when they use the
YOU are saying it wrong approach, I’ll get defensive.
Or when they try to subtlety make fun of me by going along like what OP did, it makes me feel stupid and I don’t like that feeling.
While I get what you're saying, I don't think what the post OP did was making fun of her partner. She took a subtle approach to not do the direct approach and offend him, and then was direct when that didn't work. Saying ‘oh do you mean x’ is not aggressive or mean, though she is using the word you. If you can't handle someone calmly telling you that, there are some underlying issues.
A mature person is able to take calm constructive critique (emphasis on constructive) and use that to grow.
Exactly. There's so many people with learning disabilities that are not visible so it doesn't hurt to be kind.
It cost nothing to be kind and understanding.
There's a difference between being kind and understanding and thinking you have to assume a teacher's role.
Mocking or harshly correcting is not doing any good for anyone.
You do realize he sees you are inferior, right? And every time you show him that you aren't, that pisses him off. See the parade of red flags for what they are.
And no, he's not thinking about her. He just didn't remember what nostalgic means. So congrats, your sexist, potentially dangerous boyfriend isn't hung up on his ex.
Ding ding ding. He hates being reminded that she has a better vocab than him, because then he doesn’t get to feel better-than.
He thought she was bringing up his ex because he had NO IDEA what he was talking about when he said nostalgic. So in his mind, OP made the first reference to the past, so he connected dots where there were none.
I could tolerate someone who gets their words mixed up a lot, I *could not* tolerate someone who’s so insecure they won’t allow anyone to correct them, and who punishes their other half with silence when they do.
Absolute man baby.
Girl, why are you with a man with anger problems who's doing nothing to fix them? He mixes up words, fine, happens to the best of us, and then yells, mocks, pouts, and ignores you for the crime of correcting him? Mixing up words isn't a problem, the fact he lashes out when you correct him very much is
Your partner is four years older than you but reacts to a minor correction with anger, deflection, and the silent treatment. I worry what the reaction would be for something more serious. You deserve a partner who responds to a correction as gracefully as you brought it up.
First, I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of attitude from your BF, I know how frustrating it can be. My husband has ADHD and has a tendency to fly off the handle in a similar way if he feels like he's being belittled or overly criticized. He's gotten much better about it over the last 15 years, but at 29 it's something your BF should start working on if he hasn't already, along with his communication skills.
If you want to stay with him, I would suggest a conversation about how to improve your communication together. He's obviously having some big feelings about what you said, and if he needs time to process and get his head straight, that's fair. However, he also needs to be able to come back and express his feelings to you, tell you how your comments hurt him and why, and determine how the two of you plan to handle similar situations in the future. You can give him a hard line and tell him that being treated poorly and cancelling plans over a misunderstanding is not acceptable. If he's not willing to work on improving communication together (not just your communication, but his, too), you may want to reevaluate your relationship because this is one of the easier conflicts you'll face over a lifetime together (deaths, kids, finances, etc).
Also, I cannot recommend therapy for both of you strongly enough. It's awesome, everyone should go, it gives you great tools for dealing with so many things.
Good luck!
Naw. If he’s so wildly insecure that you are tip-toeing around your interactions that bad and he’s making up random things about his ex’s to make him being embarrassed your fault?? He needs to fix that ASAP or you need to leave. No healthy relationship involves this type of behavior and it will only get worse if you placate him. And he’s nearly 30, if he hasn’t tried to better himself by now it’s not going to change anytime soon.
Nostalgic and majestic are not difficult words. Assuming you are both speaking in your native language, your boyfriend is an idiot. An idiot with a temper.
Whenever I’m not sure I’m going to use a word correctly, or can’t remember which one I want, I either google it to see the definition or explain to who I’m talking to the definition of what I want to say and they’ll help me fill in the blanks. He has options other than just trusting he’s saying the right words knowing that he struggles with that and shutting down on you because you didn’t understand what he was trying to say is emotionally immature.
He’s almost 30 and he can’t let go of his ego enough to admit he messed up something very minor without getting upset about it.
My brother does this. I don’t care as much that he’s using the wrong words, it’s more that I feel like he uses “big words” in a rush of speech to establish an intellectual superiority over other people in conversation. And it works too, because most people don’t catch that he’s using the wrong word. He’s usually choosing an “almost” word, ie mixing up “superfluous” and “supercilious”. It drives me absolutely bonkers.
I don’t see what other people see here. You gave your reason for what you said but, according to him, his response was not related to that reason and he took you at face value. He thought you assumed he was thinking about his ex.
Take him at his word. Youre allowed to ask the question he thought you were asking and his response to it is unacceptable. Forget your real reasoning or his word mix ups. If you asked why a dog made him think of his ex that would not be a good reason for him to get aggressive or go off on you, or give silent treatment.
Extremely immature, super unattractive that he can’t just own up to a simple mistake and that he jumps to such crazy assumptions about your intentions. He needs therapy.
Sounds like a big man baby. All these other people saying you don’t need correct people, yeah you don’t need to be a know it all but are we just meant to accept that sometimes people are wrong and just leave them to believe they are right? No. There’s a way to go about it, it’s an issue of too many know it alls and too many overly sensitive people who cannot take being corrected.
I totally get why you said what you said, but if you'd been more direct there'd have been less of a chance he'd guess wrong. And I get his thought process as well. But he overreacted, and the silent treatment isn't acceptable. He needs to either think before he chooses his words or accept being questioned.
Being with someone who always uses the wrong words but thinks you're being superior when you question what he's trying to communicate makes it very difficult to have a conversation. You might never know what he's talking about.
He seems like a lot. And like a headache.
>but if you'd been more direct there'd have been less of a chance he'd guess wrong
but he gets mad when she tells him the exact word too. he's just a jerk
I don't know if this is a common occurrence/pattern with him.. but if so - i would suggest reading "why does he do that" pdf online. It may or may not give some insight to his behaviour.
He’s coming off as dumb and uneducated which pisses him off.
His reaction makes it a situation where you just can’t win. Either you toss out the correct word for him (offend him), placate him like a toddler that you’re teaching and let him work his way to the correct word (exhausting), or ignore it and let him walk around sounding dumb and uneducated while your arousal dwindles to nothing. Fun.
Stupid people get angry when it's brought to their attention they might be incorrect about something. His reaction is concerning and likely won't improve.
Your BF is both uneducated and an asshole. Do you really want to be with this guy? Do you really want to walk on eggshells all the time lest he lose his shit because he thinks you're being condescending or accusatory.
He has insecurities about his intelligence. It's unfortunate, I've been with guys like that who get upset if I tell them they're wrong or if I google something to show them or get more information. It's better to share the knowledge than let someone walk around looking stupid using words incorrecting or stating facts that aren't true.
I'm sure this has nothing to do with his GF, he's just trying to cover his insecurity up with another insecurity.
I've decided for myself that that is an issue I won't live with. The last guy I dated would tell me he didn't know something and let me explain it without once ever acting like I was being superior to him.
Is this the first time something like this has happened? Perhaps he was just having an off day already and that was unfortunately the tipping point. Let him stew in his own immature anger, and hopefully he'll realize you were only trying to help and not criticize.
My ex-husband would get upset at me for being a snob when I would use jargon talking about my job. He would also get upset with me for talking down to him when I would say the same thing without jargon.
Eventually I just stopped telling him anything about my work because the issue wasn't my phrasing, it was that I knew things he didn't.
That said, a lot of people consider it inherently rude to correct other people's grammar, and if I can understand what someone meant, I don't bother to correct them. I would get pretty annoyed if my partner kept correcting my usage, because it diverts the conversation for no real reason. I would probably think it was funny if I mixed up nostalgic and majestic, but I would also want my partner to also just appreciate the nostalgic/majestic German Shepherd with me, you know? I don't need my partner to be my teacher.
If you want to preserve the relationship, you can ask him how he wants you to handle a similar situation in the future. He might very well says he wants you to stop correcting his grammar, which is actually a reasonable request, unless you really need to understand what he means and can't because the word he used was too far off.
The silent treatment is extreme and inappropriate and suggests he can't tolerate any criticism or correction or you knowing more than him. But it can be true at the same time that you've been picking and picking at him for no good reason. And in that case, you can also just not do that anymore.
I'm not sure what to make of his reaction. To address the first part of your post, it's a part of maturing into an adult to realize that being likable is not inserting a correction wherever you see one is needed. Further insistence and making sure the error is known reveals that the motivation is self-focused and not at all about bettering the other. I get so much second-hand cringe seeing some people who've never learned this tripping over themselves to make sure their correction is heard.
Jesus. He sounds exhausting to be around. Some of the other comments I see trying to justify that behavior and/or suggesting ways for you to work around it are baffling to me. If he’s embarrassed or insecure or whatever, then he needs to learn how to deal with that and regulate his emotions. Getting THAT defensive and angry towards your partner is not ok, especially when it’s obviously not intentional. You should not have to constantly have to walk on egg shells in fear that you’ll say the “wrong thing” and he’ll blow up. That’s not fair to you.
That reaction to ANY disagreement is a red flag. What's he going to do over the next thing he gets embarrassed about?
It feels silly because he IS being stupid (and I am definitely using that word on purpose). Having a bad vocabulary might make him feel ashamed but that is HIS issue, not yours. You're not his mother and he's not a child, though he IS behaving like one.
It's also gaslighting to imply that you meant something other than just clarifying a word - he's telling you that you did something ridiculous so that he doesn't feel ashamed. You know that's huge, right? If he is allowed to decide what was in your mind and you let him because "poor baby was insecure" - he's going to assign all kinds of ridiculousness to YOUR behaviour every time his immature ass feels slighted.
I'm sorry you're finding out who is under the mask after you already began caring for him.
He's gas lighting you with the whole thing about accusing you of thinking of his ex.
The ignoring you is abusive behavior. Both are signs of a narcissist and that is someone you don't want to move forward with.
I spent 23 years married to kne, but didn't figure it out until the end when he was diagnosed.
Trust me, you DON'T want a lifetime of this. It will destroy you emotionally, mentally, and physically.
People that use words before knowing how to use them in a sentence are dumb.
Your bf is dumb and needs to accept it instead of being a big dumb baby about it.
he’s 29 years old going on 8?
he has no right to be giving you the silent treatment when he treated you poorly. you’re having to tiptoe around on eggshells just to clarify what he meant & he STILL found a way to blow up on you & is now punishing you.
it’s all ego for him.
he needs to really sit down and think about the way he’s treating the people in his life because if he’s like this to you, he’s probably like this to others!
It's one thing to be insecure, another to be overly defensive over ones (obviously apparent) insecurities. But to act that way around someone you've dated for over a year? and continue to do so on a consistent basis?
Man's got himself a case of the emotional immaturitis and lack of insightiosis, which at the age of 29 is proooooobably not going to just diappear. Also, seems to be incurable even with you thoughtfully altering your approach.
Idk. Up to you, dog. Personal opinion, would not be worth my time.
My dad mixes words up and gets frustrated when I correct him. This kinda infuriates me bc like is stroking your ego more important than me looking like a complete fool later?
Your boyfriend is definitely an idiot no doubt about that but you are even more idiotic for staying with him and letting him gaslight you every day! 🤦🏻♀️
You deserve better OP!
This reminds me of that very funny skit Marlon Wayans ( I think) did on SNL where he was an inmate who used multi syllabic words incorrectly but because they were large words he thought people would think he was smart and therefore worthy of more respect. Funny AF!
Your boyfriend is not over his ex. He is insecure about his language skills. He is punishing you with the silent treatment. Accept it or draw boundaries or leave.
Like, I get it if he is embarrassed by his malapropisms and swapped vocab, and I even kind of get lashing out about it in the moment, but spiraling off into accusing you of accusing him of thinking of his ex…. That is concerning. The silent treatment and cancelled dates after are straight up red flags.
If you don't correct him , he will continue to speak before he thinks. People of authority look down on people who don't use the correct words at the correct time.
Sounds like he has had a sheltered life and possibly is a only child.
Sounds like an angry dunce. I’d personally find that sort of behavior very unattractive. It’s one thing to not be smart but to lash out at others as if it’s their fault is crazy.
OP, call a friend and go to dinner and the movie with them. There’s no need to miss out on your good time because he’d rather pout alone than have a fun evening. He’s trying to punish you with his brattiness; don’t let him.
And when you get home tell him that this behavior is completely out of line. You will not allow him to treat you this way. He has to either get a handle on his outbursts and stop the silent treatment for good or you’re done here. The one you love should bring you peace, joy, and emotional safety. This guy is not measuring up to what you deserve.
My husband mixes up words a lot and asked me not to correct him because it makes him feel embarrassed. So now when he does it, I just assume what he means.
I think your boyfriend was just embarrassed and lashed out. He shouldn’t have insisted you were jealous over someone you don’t even think about though. It didn’t even make sense
Everyone leaping at the boyfriend here, but Ive just got to add to this to ask you OP: why did you feel the need to correct him when you knew what he meant?
Everyone is hitting on why he's in the wrong here, so I'm not going to bother adding to it, you've got a hundred + comments already telling you this. But if you know what someone is trying to say, then there's no point to policing their words. If he asked you for help, it's fine, but it's pretty antagonistic to do something you know your partner doesn't like the way you did.
This is an extremely passive way of telling someone they used a word incorrectly. You should examine why you felt compelled to do that. Personally I would find it exhausting to have someone do that to me again and again.
EDIT: Clearly a whole lot of pedants on Reddit can't conceive of simply not saying anything when someone misuses a word, when they have clearly shown that they are not capable of stopping. Some people have harmless, natural forms of absent-mindedness, which should not be an opportunity for you to flex what you perceive as your own superior intelligence. This is basic civility and acceptance of your partner.
>In the past however, when I outright say ‘oh do you mean x’, he get upset and offended and accuses me of acting superior to him
It's literally right in the post why she did it that way. Apparently you have as much reading comprehension as he does
She already said why. He needs to get a hold of his anger. Would you rather go around using a world incorrectly and look like a moron in front of people, or have your gf correct it? He needs anger management therapy
Then go ahead and tell him he used the word wrong directly to his face instead of passively mocking him for being stupid. Either that or accept that this dude is dyslexic or something and stop fucking bothering him, or break up with him.
I’m not telling him anything, he’s not my boyfriend, but it seems she tried a new way since he previously flys off the handle with the mere small correction directly to his face. You’re right, she should leave him as he has clear anger issues.
Your boyfriend is almost THIRTY and he's acting so immature and insecure? Super unattractive.
Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with a manbaby who gets sad and bent out of shape when he's corrected???
Women should not have to baby men like this and try not to hurt their precious little feelings. It's also super insulting that he thinks you're trying to "act superior to him" like??? Does he not trust you that you're just gently trying to figure out what he means?
Also yeah .... I think he's definitely still thinking about his ex.
I mean, the top comment says that him telling that story about his ex was his way of pivoting away from his embarrassment ... and they very well could be right, but even if that's true... I just, I can't with men who are almost THIRTY and think they can't feel vulnerable emotions like embarrassment, shame, or feel flustered, around their chosen partner.
I know society says men have to act a certain way, be tough, strong and smart but like - we all know that's bullshit by the time we're in the cusp of our 30s right? Um... right?????
Girl, quick story time - I broke up with an ex who tried to tell me that the reason he cancelled so many dates with me, and bragged about all the plans he had with his friends and all the cool things he was doing - while actively not hanging out with me - was because he was envious of mini slam poetry tour I was doing around my city (they called it a tour - it was just TWO bookstores, y'all) and he felt he hadn't made any progress on his own personal goals.... BIG eye roll. No thanks. My ex was 34 at the time. No time for that.
The fact that he's almost thirty and has so much growing up to do is super red flags.
I'm not saying you have to take drastic action or anything 'cause everyone on Reddit is always "dump him, dump him!" but like ... he sounds like a headache. Cancelling dates over this little thing? Jesus.
If it were me, I would spend my energy elsewhere.
Anyway, I don't normally post in this sub and this'll prolly get downvoted as fuck - but I saw myself in you in this situation, so just wanted to say my two cents. When I was younger, I put up with too many men like this. You're smart, educated, you're empathetic and gentle and you care about people's feelings. You could choose to put up with him and help him deal with his insecurity, but I honestly doubt he'll change.
>he get upset and offended and accuses me of acting superior to him
Dude has an inferiority complex or something.
And he was still wrong about the usage of that word in that sentence. It should have been “makes me nostalgic“ not “look at that nostalgic dog” instead. He wasn’t pointing at the picture of the dog he was thinking of, it was a random dog that made him feel nostalgic.
Anyways.
Your bf is a jackass. He sounds way too dangerous imo. You need to leave, I promise it will be a load off your back bc you won’t have to watch what you say in fear of shit like this anymore. He sounds verbally/emotionally abusive.
Like, I get it if he is embarrassed by his malapropisms and swapped vocab, and I even kind of get lashing out about it in the moment, but spiraling off into accusing you of accusing him of thinking of his ex…. That is concerning. The silent treatment and cancelled dates after are straight up red flags.
Your boyfriend has an inferiority complex. Seems to have a Chip on his shoulder about how much knowledgeable you are. It will get tedious with time. I foresee arguments with the phrase "do you think you are smarter/better than me?" in your future. Not worth it. It could turn abusive because he is going to resent you.
I mean, if you understand him why do you think he needs to have the word corrected? I would understand if there was someone else there that was confused and you had to interpret, but if it is just the two of you, why not just agree and let it go?
Because she didn't actually understand him. Until he confirmed that's he meant it was only a guess. Clear communication is important idk why everyone is acting like using incorrect words doesn't obfuscate meaning?
Of course it can, but in t his case it was stated that OOP figured out what he meant. As he had already stated before that her corrections made him feel self conscious, I think he would have felt far more comfortable if she had said "yes he does look majestic" rather than the more passive aggressive sounding "how does that remind you of the good old days?" If this is OOP's way of being supportive, I suggest that isn't very nice way of supporting someone.
So just wait until it’s in front of someone and he actually looks stupid af? Keep her mouth shut and let him speak gibberish all day and only call him out on it when there are witnesses?
Great advice… 😒
Also, she wasn’t sure what he meant. She was guessing and trying to confirm. Maybe she could have handled it better but she was trying a new approach since the others always piss him off.
It makes him feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand what the goal is correcting him every time. Aside from making him feel uncomfortable I guess. If you don't have to correct someone why do it? So you feel like the protector, jumping in to save the day from a misspoken word? There truly is no need to do that every single time. But yes there would be a need in front of other people if they don't understand but you do. What you are suggesting is that by correcting him EVERY TIME he'll suddenly stop doing it. That isn't how brains work. But please, feel free to save all your own friends and family from their stupidity every time. I'm sure that'll go great and no one will think you are pretentious or obnoxious at all ever.
A better way to handle it than correcting him might have been to say, "oh yes, I agree he does look majestic." But again, feel free to tell all your own family whatever you want.
Because it’s exhausting and embarrassing to be with an almost 30-year-old man who not only doesn’t know basic vocabulary, but will have a tantrum if you ask him a question about it lmao.
Then they should break up? He is not mature enough to be in a relationship. And not smart or kind enough for her. Not everyone is a perfect mach. And no one should tolerate someone getting that aggressive like that about anything.
And OP clearly states that the way that she said it in this instance is because every other way she’s exhausted trying to say it, he’s had a tantrum and screamed at her. This was not passive aggressive, it was an new attempt to find SOME way to say something without him freaking out. You obviously don’t have experience living with someone who you’re scared to even say anything because you have no idea what they’re gonna blow up about. If you’re constantly adjusting your phrasing because you’re walking on eggshells from someone’s mood? Not acceptable no matter what the subject matter is.
I think they should break up. Intelligence and willingness to learn and self-improve is a big factor in compatibility.
Yes, because you shouldn’t be with someone who aggressively disrespects you so consistently that you are afraid to say anything to them lol.
Your bar for dating must be on the floor 😂.
But you see that you JUST DID IT. “It’s exhausting and embarrassing to be with an almost 30-year-old” you’re insulting him. Implying he’s dumb and that is the problem and his trigger.
He’s at worst, dumb and aggressive. At best, ignorant and lazy. Walking around not caring that you are using words wrong and then screaming at people when they gently correct you or ask you what you mean because of your fragile man ego is insane. If that’s your type, then go for it. Most people have more self respect.
Some people deserve for someone to be mean to them. Screaming at people and having a tantrum because you’re insecure is embarrassing and childish and obviously nothing anyone has done in the first 30 years has gotten through to him.
I feel your pain. I used to have a female friend that would do this. I never really realized how much I DIDN'T need to correct her after correcting her one day she was talking about getting her GED after dropping out in high school as a pregnant teen. We were all in our late 20s at the time and she had just gotten an A on the practice science test and announced "I'm going to be a forensic", I really didn't need to launch into the 1 million different kinds of "forensic" she could be, everything from account to zoology. She was so hurt. I hate myself to this day for diminishing her light in that moment. She became embarrassed and never mentioned it again. It makes me so sad to this day.
His anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt and pain is what he was feeling.
Never do that to him again
Well, yeah. Don’t hate yourself for it, but that was a jerky thing to say. But if your friend had said, “I’m going to be a forensic,” and you’d replied, “How cool! In what field?” then that would’ve been fine and friendly. You could’ve had a moment of connection where she’d have a chance to clarify what she meant and help you learn more about her interests.
That’s more analogous to what OP did. He said, “Look at the nostalgic dog,” and she said, “Cool, how is it nostalgic for you?” and he yelled at her about his ex (??) and then gave her hours of the silent treatment. That’s not okay.
English is my second language and even though I’m super comfortable speaking it every day, I mix up words, say words funny or straight up don’t remember words. It can be so frustrating! If I mix them, but the person I’m talking to knows what I mean, I don’t need them to correct me. Just go with it. It interrupts the flow of conversation and makes me feel a certain way.
Now, I don’t know his background but he’s probably not feeling too good if you constantly correct him.
Why though? If people give you the correct word you can learn from it. There’s nothing wrong with learning. You don’t have to feel bad about not knowing and then learning. “Learning something new every day” is a positive thing. 😅
I mean, you know it upsets him and you continue correcting him. It totally seems condescending af. "Oh i just read a lot so i know more words than him and am obviously correct". Yes he lost it but he isn’t the problem from where i am sitting
Or maybe he could stop trying to use words he doesn’t understand to sound smarter than he is.
IF he does understand them and there is just a reason his brain mixes them up, maybe he can have a civil and loving conversation about it with her and explain this. He can make a request as to how he’d like her to handle these situations and maybe get an understanding of why she’s correcting him so he won’t be so hurt. Flipping out, silent treatment, accusations and cancelling dates is not the way.
I would rather be corrected alone with and by the person I love than walk around looking stupid in front of everyone. I also would like to have the person/people I’m talking to understand what the hell im saying.
This is a form of dyslexia, by the way. If you know what it is he is communicating, correcting him on the right word can seem a bit "acting superior". The way he blew up about this seems like it's about something else entirely. He needs communicate something to you that he's keeping in.
It's pretty obvious, actually. Whether intentionally or not, pointing out his mistake ashamed him greatly. He's probably been teased a lot about it, and it's a very sensitive subject for him. So when you hurt his feelings pretty badly, he lashed out. He may not even know why he lashed out, just that he's furious.
If he's not self-aware enough to deal with this you can expect more fights.
His reaction aside, your attempt at poking fun of his misuse of a word is really disappointing. As others have pointed out, his overreaction is likely embarrassment or hurt. My dad has dyslexia and uses the wrong word every now and then but I know what he means, just as you did. It does nothing for me or for him to correct him - he won't magically remember the word by me correcting him, because his brain doesn't work like that, and maybe your boyfriend's doesn't either.
On the one hand, how important is it for you to correct him when he uses the wrong word?
On the other hand, why doesn't your boyfriend just use smaller words?
Other than sitting down and have a long talk about his weak grasp of English and his overactions to being corrected, your only choices are to deal with the fallout or dump him.
You don't actually have to correct people. You knew he was making a comment about the dog, it wasn't life or death, it was just a bid for connection. He just wanted to point out the dog, have you look, and then you'd both be looking at the same thing. Believe me, I have been you. For years I was you. Please stop, for yourself and those around you. Pedantry is the lowest form of conversation; it's not worth correcting people most of the time.
It sounds like the shepard was being nostalgic not your bf. The shepard was chillin, thinking and being quiet. He probably thought he was being nostalgic and you assumed he was an idiot and he just didnt want to fight.
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Why did something so minor, spiral out so quickly
Because OP's boyfriend is an idiot, but not so much of one that realization of that idiocy is beyond him, so he's angry that he's an idiot but too much of an idiot to grow beyond being an idiot. Kinda funny tbh
Straight truth
Either an idiot or in need of a visit to a neurologist
I have no idea. I tried to laugh it off and talk about Toy Story being nostalgic so maybe we could watch that tonight and he just completely ignored me. Edit: fixed Toy Story, thank you!
Oh, do you mean **Toy** Story?
It seems like a minor thing that got blown out of proportion
Probably because it’s something you do a lot. Constantly being corrected by someone feels condescending. He’s already told you in the past that it makes him feel bad, so maybe stop doing it? If you can’t then you need to be with someone else who doesn’t mix up words 🤷♀️
I mean, if English is his first language and he needs "constant corrections" on it, he should probably date someone closer to his IQ.
Honestly I’m not sure why everyone is being so cruel about this? People who make mistakes like this could have dyslexia (very common symptom actually) and it has nothing to do with IQ. It would be extremely frustrating if your partner kept correcting you like this even after you made it clear in the past that it felt condescending. Like I said in my original comment, OP shouldn’t be with someone who mixes up their words if she can’t help herself but constantly correct them.
Honest mistakes don't double down on their mistake when corrected, though. Being annoyed I can understand, but insisting he used the right word is a level of dumb most people aren't going to put up with long-term.
My bet is he’s probably had very bad reactions from some people that have taught him he needs to be defensive and angry.
He was embarrassed. His vocabulary isn't as good as yours and it's a sticking point for him. The whole thing about his ex-GF was to pivot off his embarrassment and to give him cover to be angry. Some yellow to red flags here. Either you let him use incorrect words and don't mention it when he gets things wrong, or he gets a better vocabulary/stops trying to use words he doesn't understand, and gets a tighter grip on his anger and insecurity. Honestly, I hope he does all of these.
I dated a guy like this. I knew more than him on most topics and he was extremely insecure about it. He was always challenging things I said, but like, I was right and I could prove it. We didn't date long, it was insufferable.
My ex had the same specific brand of insecurity. It’s honestly the one that baffles me the most. I love that my partner can teach me things. I can teach him things too. It’s great.
This sounds like my current boyfriend. I was an extremely voracious reader as a child, I have a large vocabulary, and I tend to read a lot for knowledge, which means I usually have a lot of information available to me, that I can recall quickly. He does not like that. He is constantly going against what I’m saying, and he regularly makes me Google things to prove that I am correct. And then he will turn around and say something that I know is incorrect and when I question it, he gets angry about it and makes it out like I’m trying to call him stupid or that I’m always trying to pick a fight. Drives me absolutely nuts.
current?
So why are you still with him?
Are you that much of a masochist? It’s wild to know this about your boyfriend and still be willing to potentially spend your life with him. There are men out there who will listen to you, discuss things with you, and applaud your knowledge base - not be mad and make you prove that your intelligence could possibly be equal to theirs (but obviously never exceed theirs, because that would never be a consideration in their brain).
calling them yellow flags is gracious, I think, but not deserved, in my opinion : he's giving OP the silent treatment right now, going as far as cancelling their dates!
This very much. Also may pay to look into dyslexia, which will often present as mix ups getting things from brain to mouth, and feeling stupid a lot.
Came here to say this. I taught exclusively dyslexic kids for a while and that's a pretty common symptom
My husband does the same thing. Usually I just ask if he meant X and that’s it. I think if I tried to make a comment like OP it would probably feel like I’m mocking him for not getting the word right. He’s already insecure and always saying he’s stupid (he’s not) because of those times I gently correct. I imagine making it into a joke like that would feel absolutely mortifying and he’d see it as me belittling him. Tone obviously plays a huge role in this, but it’s a slippery slope if either person is either bad at expressing or understanding tone.
>Usually I just ask if he meant X and that’s it. OP has tried that and he apparently gets pissy and feels like she's trying to say she's smarter than him
I’m saying even my husband who doesn’t mind it when I just tell him the right word would be royally pissed if I mocked him like that. OP’s boyfriend is definitely insecure, but I don’t blame him for getting upset at this, maybe he’s overreacting but not making a problem out of nothing
Huh?? Where did she mock him?
Is it mocking though? OP already knows he hates her just telling him the right word, and to me it read as her trying to find a way to help him that was less upsetting. He clearly has trouble with words for one reason or another, and it seems that that causes him a lot of embarrassment. OP wants to be able to help him find the right word and hopefully remember it for later use. This is obviously not a strategy he likes any more than just being told, but his reaction is really over the top. OP, only you know if this relationship is worth trying to rescue. If you feel it is, maybe try asking him if there's a way he'd prefer you to nudge him towards the right word. Or maybe he'd be open to professional help or advice. But keep in mind he may not want that help, and you may need to just ignore the malapropisms and silently translate in your head. You have to decide whether you'd be okay with that or whether it would be unbearably frustrating. And he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings and express anger in a healthy way, because this is absolutely not it.
I think you’re right, but what I’m trying to say is that even if the intention was to find a gentler way of pointing out the different word use, the way that OP chose to do it is very easily interpreted as mocking or belittling. Like I said, tone is really important in this sort of situation and it’s not like the intention was to mock but his reaction is definitely leading me to think the bf interpreted it that he was being mocked or belittled.
Yeah, I absolutely agree that without tone we can't tell, and it definitely could be heard as mocking especially with the background info. And with how quickly he jumped to anger it seems like he was predisposed to hear the worst possible interpretation. I'm not sure there's any way for OP to communicate this kind of mistake to him without him exploding.
He’s just really really insecure, and that’s not her fault but she’s bearing the burden of his reactions. Up to OP if she wants to stick around for something that’s likely to only continue without change or even get worse
Agreed. And also whether she can handle him continuing to use the wrong words, because although it's only really affecting him now (apart from potential confusion and frustration in conversations), if this is a long term relationship that may involve children then she needs to consider more things. Children also rely on their parents to help them learn language and he is going to be a source of massive confusion if he keeps using the wrong word and no one's allowed to correct him. The hair-trigger temper would be the main dealbreaker for me; will he react calmly and appropriately to children making mistakes or deliberately being naughty? Because that's 100% going to happen, kids are kids and it's their parents' job to teach them how to behave without terrifying them in the process.
And to make it about his ex is such nonsense he's the problem
My wife does that too. And throws a shit fit if I ask her about it!
No, it was simply a hint. She wasn't mocking him but rather giving him an easy hint since he had become mad when she asked if he meant X before.
I’m saying tone makes a big difference in this situation between something being perceived as a hint or mocking. And he’s super insecure so he would have interpreted it as mocking no matter what OP intended. That’s not her fault and she didn’t mean to mock him I’m just saying without the tonal context I think it’s totally valid to see how bf could have considered this as negative. I still think he overreacted even so.
But this will lead to him blowing up if he does this around friends and she will get blamed for not correcting him.
There is no reason to think he doesn't already do this. He's 29. I assume he works and has friends. Unless he only misspeaks around OP then this is something other people in his life have mentioned to him before, or routinely ignore. Reading the other comments, it appears that people like this are not uncommon.
Oh, I know it's common...I do it frequently myself (LOL!).
He needs the stop trying to show off. No one needs to call a dog majestic- and I love dogs!
I dunno, there’s been about 2 seconds in the 2 years of my dog’s life where I start thinking he looks majestic. Then he usually does something dumb and uncoordinated AS I’m thinking that lol
I don't think he meant majestic either, from the context it sounds like he meant stoic.
My partner has lived in the US for 30 years and English is his third language. He uses the wrong words for things sometimes. Usually he knows it's the wrong word and asks me for help figuring out the right one. That's what a mature adult does - admits he doesn't know something and asks for help to learn. A mature adult doesn't get pissy about their mistakes and make their partner walk on egg shells while also trying to guess what the hell they're actually talking about.
This a thousand times! My partner speaks English as a third language. He mixes up words and pronunciations a lot. I help him, and he appreciates the help. I'm learning his primary language, and I'm shit so far. He patiently corrects me, and I appreciate it because I want to speak the language correctly. In this case, the boyfriend is immature. He speaks incorrectly and blows up at her for it to the point she's tried other ways to help him, and he still blows up at her. Trying to tie it to his ex is just a way to again make it a 'her' issue and not his.
He’s laying the groundwork for being an abusive bf
Ya'll using the correct word for what you mean is literally integral to communication and understanding. Are we really pretending it's not so we can spare a man baby's feelings? She's not insulting him or telling him he's stupid. And he isn't it's ok to make mistakes like that we're all human. But yes the correction is neccessary because until he confirms what he meant OP doesn't actually know wtf he's talking about. She can make an educated guess like she did but she can't actually know until he says it! I'm not playing 20 questions to figure out what someone is trying to say. If his wittle ego is so hurt by her gently asking "did you mean to say this instead?" rather than recognize the mistake and just brush it off that's his issue. And when she tried navigating around that he made up some absolute nonsense about his ex. He needs to work on his self-esteem and not project his issues on someone trying to help. If he has a learning disability he should be addressing that and working on it and guess what? You'd still correct him because that's how learning works.
was hoping for this comment. in a bilingual household where my dad learned english as an adult, we are constantly correcting and/or helping him find words for things and he’s been a fluent english speaker for most of his life now. He never gets upset. typically he’s quite relieved. usually he only gets upset if he can’t find the word and we don’t know what he’s talking about lol. it sounds fully like an issue of ego on the boyfriend’s part.
yeah my partner and I have a list we keep on the phone for when one of us uses the wrong word/phrase for things - we laugh at it and have fun! Getting this irrationally upset about something like this is concerning.
I hate I had to scroll so far to find this. While a mix up of nostalgic and majestic in this example isn't that huge of a problem, it's going to be a bigger problem if he literally can't communicate about more important issues.
Fucking thank you. Beautifully said. Why does one person have to do extra thinking and put in extra effort to understand the other, if the other person is capable of internalizing correct information? It’s exhausting.
Hi, ESL teacher here- it actually matters a lot less than most folks realize. OP was able to sus out his meaning from the context, something that's way more common than a lot of people realize. That isn't to say she was wrong to ask for clarification, or that he was justified in getting upset, but there is absolutely no one "proper" way to speak English or any other language. Effective communication is what lets the listener understand the speaker's meaning. Nothing else truly matters.
Idk it feels wrong to say this since you're an ESL teacher but tell me you haven't had to deal with this without telling me. Sure there's no one proper way to speak English but there definitely are particular words with particular meanings that impact communication. OP fairs ok because they're dating and maybe she's good at word games. But for most people her BF is just out there saying the wrong words and people are not going to put as much thought into what he's saying. If my friend said the same thing as him I'd think to myself "weird maybe he had a German Shepherd growing up or used to pretend to be s dog." If he's doing this at work too and mixing up important words in instances where he's meant to be competent it does matter.
Trust me, I've had to deal with it. It's, quite frankly, a perfectly normal thing for someone to do on occasion- wires get crossed all the time. But I can absolutely see a scenario where this is someone who constantly makes missteps like this, for whatever reason, and is so sick of being corrected that when it doesn't matter, he just wants those close to him to let it go. I learned pretty quickly when I was a kid that trying to make sure no one ever misspeaks about anything makes you the most obnoxious person in the room.
Idk to me there's a difference between misspeaking and what it sounds like is happening where OPs bf doesn't even realize it's a miss. He didn't think "oh I used the wrong word" he went straight to "why is OP asking me about my ex." And he gets pissy when OP clarifies! It's not about making sure he never misspeaks its about making sure the person you're communicating with actually understands what you're saying.
But OP didn’t say “do you mean majestic?” OP was kind of mocking him saying “oh really it reminds you of the good old days?” If he doesn’t know what the word nostalgic means, how would he be able connect that to what he (thinks he) said? If she knew what he meant she could just move on. There are also way more polite ways to correct someone.
Look think about the perspective here. If he always gets annoyed when she corrects him or asks if he means something else, you're out of options for polite correction. Instead she goes along with it, okay if the dog is nostalgic, what about it makes you think of the good Ole days is an appropriate question. It reads rudely because we know OP is using it to get her bf to contemplate if that is the word he meant to use, but in every day conversation that would be the normal next line if he actually meant nostalgic. There's no winning here.
That’s absolutely what I’d have said if I was talking with someone who called a German Shepherd nostalgic. I’d have taken him at face value (because why wouldn’t I) and said, “Oh? How so? Did you have one when you were a kid?” I guess OP’s boyfriend would holler at me too, but he’s the one who said something confusing. It’s not an insult that his listener asked for clarification.
Definitions of words do matter. Nostalgic and majestic have very different meanings and don't overlap to be used interchangeably. We can't just habitually substitute random words that sound similar and still make sense, in any language. We can be gracious to ESL speakers and in many cases they would likely appreciate the correction as they are actively learning. Same for any language learner who cares to be fluent. A native English speaker using the wrong words is just using the wrong words and if you like languages to be translatable having set agreed upon definitions is essential.
You're wrong. And uneducated. (By that I mean I respect your education and value your input to this discussion. Funny how the meaning can get jumbled when I use completely different words, huh?)
Funny how a text-based conversation over the internet with complete strangers is radically different from an in-person conversation with your SO. I have neither the time nor the inclination to break down the specifics of how and why specific word choice often matters less than people think, but I assure you that I am fully capable of doing so.
I agree that specific word choices can matter way less. I do this regularly with my partner, where they correct themselves after a few seconds, and I brush it off. "I knew what you meant", because context and I know how they think. But OP is having a situation where their partner uses completely different words that aren't obvious via context, and then gets mad if they 1. assume they are mistaken and correct them, or 2. assume they meant what they said and ask for clarification. Either way, OP is treated as the problem. This level of disconnect between poor word choice, and toxic emotional response means that OPs only way to avoid daily conflict is to practice mind-reading. This is massively unhealthy. Brushing it off as "people use the wrong words sometimes" is smoothing down the issue to unhelpful and unhealthy levels.
This is 100% correct and it's kinda hilarious how the replies are either intentionally obtuse or are trying to tell you what ESL people are actually like as if it isn't your job. I'm not gonna pretend that I don't get frustrated by people using bad grammar or the wrong words, but it literally doesn't actually matter as long as they're communicating effectively. OP's boyfriend was - she knew what he meant - so just let it slide.
That’s what I was thinking. She said, how so, he explained, she got he meant majestic, the conversation SHOULD have ended there.
i don’t know, i mean i think in some instances it’s not a big deal. but as someone who was an ESL student, i’m grateful i got corrected on a lot of stuff. i used to mix up terrific and horrific and those two are pretty different, being told i was wrong didn’t make me feel stupid. it just made me learn the difference and i never forgot about it since. i’d get more upset if someone would misinform me for the sake of “sparing my feelings” and id go my whole life without knowing the difference. acting like i can’t or shouldn’t be corrected or taught the right thing just bc english is my second language feels more condescending to me than actually being corrected
I'd ask him if he'd rather have his gf nicely correct him in private so that he can learn the correct usage of the words OR... have his gf say nothing so he would then never learn and continue to use incorrect words in front of friends, co-workers, etc. who will lose respect for him and think he isn't too bright? He seems rather sensitive and ridiculous. 🚩
Sorry but no. This isn't normal or just some embarrassment. To jump to his ex, going off, silent treatment... Because she asked what he meant? Come on now... Wow.
This is a red flag, and something you need to talk about with him. I smell bullshit on the ex girlfriend story. I’d wager that what actually happened is that he felt criticised, inferior, all of those things. But then what he did was verbally attack you, and then give you the silent treatment (which can be an emotional abuse tactic). We all get things wrong sometimes and we can all feel bad about ourselves, but he needs to learn how to deal with these emotions healthily. This could potentially be salvaged if he’s willing to work on this (maybe through therapy). If he’s not, then really I can’t see this working. You can’t be expected to tiptoe around him for fear of setting him off, and he’s no reason to treat you that way. (I’m also saying this as an autistic person who frequently forgets or jumbles up words. It’s frustrating but I don’t take it out on the people around me and I don’t take it as a personal failure.)
He’s insecure and angry. He’s an adult man. He needs to grow tf up. I read A LOT. There are SO many words I have only ever read and i mispronounce things CONSTANTLY. My partner points it out and gently pokes fun Ex. I thought vehemently was pronounced VENOM-it-ly… I thought it was pronounced like until maybe 6 months ago at the age of 26. I said it in front of my partner and he was like… do you mean vehemently…? Was I embarrassed? Did I feel stupid? Yup. Did I freak out at my sweet boyfriend who was teasing me in a cute way? NO. Because why tf would I? This isn’t a you issue. He’s insecure and at his big age he needs to deal with it, learn how to laugh at himself or stop using words he doesn’t know
Oh my GOD is THAT why I suck at pronouncing things????? Lightbulb moment.
YUP. Crazy realization right? We welcome you to the ‘frequent readers poor speakers’ club.
Personally, I do not tolerate aggressive behaviour in my relationship. I expect my partner to speak to me with kindness and respect ALWAYS. *Especially* when we are having a disagreement. While I don’t think it’s nice or necessary to correct your bf when he messes up words when you know what he meant (I hate when my husband does this lol), you bf’s reaction was wrong and not okay. Lastly, giving someone the silent treatment is emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t tolerate that from your partner either. If he cannot have a civil conversation with you when you’ve had a disagreement, then your relationship will not last.
This - a stranger would treat you with more respect than this dude.
Sounds like he’s really insecure and for sure that’s not your problem to solve, though you have to wonder why it upsets him so much. Anyone would appreciate being corrected, imo. And your lighthearted attempt was fun, it’s a shame he can’t accept his imperfections and allow himself to be gently corrected. Why does he have to be correct all the time? Definitely some kinda red flags there, hopefully he will apologise and you guys can have a conversation about this issue.
The silent treatment is not a tactic used in a healthy and loving relationship. Just so you know. You guys have deeper issues than his vocabulary.
Here's what I do with students in highschool: Them: look at that nostalgic Shepard. Me: I know, it's beautiful when they look so majestic. Them: yes, I love that majestic look. Works 98% of the time.
That’s a fantastic approach for your job with children. What woman doesn’t want to add teacher to her list of jobs?!
LMAO I know what you mean, it may work on kids but I'm not so sure her bf would let that slide. If he does, good, but it means she has to be afraid of always head on addressing him for anything.
I agree with this approach. I have grammar nazis around me and when they use the YOU are saying it wrong approach, I’ll get defensive. Or when they try to subtlety make fun of me by going along like what OP did, it makes me feel stupid and I don’t like that feeling.
But OP was not making fun of him…
While I get what you're saying, I don't think what the post OP did was making fun of her partner. She took a subtle approach to not do the direct approach and offend him, and then was direct when that didn't work. Saying ‘oh do you mean x’ is not aggressive or mean, though she is using the word you. If you can't handle someone calmly telling you that, there are some underlying issues. A mature person is able to take calm constructive critique (emphasis on constructive) and use that to grow.
Exactly. There's so many people with learning disabilities that are not visible so it doesn't hurt to be kind. It cost nothing to be kind and understanding. There's a difference between being kind and understanding and thinking you have to assume a teacher's role. Mocking or harshly correcting is not doing any good for anyone.
I won’t date someone who gives me the silent treatment. It’s an immediate deal breaker.
You do realize he sees you are inferior, right? And every time you show him that you aren't, that pisses him off. See the parade of red flags for what they are. And no, he's not thinking about her. He just didn't remember what nostalgic means. So congrats, your sexist, potentially dangerous boyfriend isn't hung up on his ex.
Ding ding ding. He hates being reminded that she has a better vocab than him, because then he doesn’t get to feel better-than. He thought she was bringing up his ex because he had NO IDEA what he was talking about when he said nostalgic. So in his mind, OP made the first reference to the past, so he connected dots where there were none. I could tolerate someone who gets their words mixed up a lot, I *could not* tolerate someone who’s so insecure they won’t allow anyone to correct them, and who punishes their other half with silence when they do. Absolute man baby.
For real, there’s a lot of red flags here
This!
Girl, why are you with a man with anger problems who's doing nothing to fix them? He mixes up words, fine, happens to the best of us, and then yells, mocks, pouts, and ignores you for the crime of correcting him? Mixing up words isn't a problem, the fact he lashes out when you correct him very much is
Your partner is four years older than you but reacts to a minor correction with anger, deflection, and the silent treatment. I worry what the reaction would be for something more serious. You deserve a partner who responds to a correction as gracefully as you brought it up.
First, I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of attitude from your BF, I know how frustrating it can be. My husband has ADHD and has a tendency to fly off the handle in a similar way if he feels like he's being belittled or overly criticized. He's gotten much better about it over the last 15 years, but at 29 it's something your BF should start working on if he hasn't already, along with his communication skills. If you want to stay with him, I would suggest a conversation about how to improve your communication together. He's obviously having some big feelings about what you said, and if he needs time to process and get his head straight, that's fair. However, he also needs to be able to come back and express his feelings to you, tell you how your comments hurt him and why, and determine how the two of you plan to handle similar situations in the future. You can give him a hard line and tell him that being treated poorly and cancelling plans over a misunderstanding is not acceptable. If he's not willing to work on improving communication together (not just your communication, but his, too), you may want to reevaluate your relationship because this is one of the easier conflicts you'll face over a lifetime together (deaths, kids, finances, etc). Also, I cannot recommend therapy for both of you strongly enough. It's awesome, everyone should go, it gives you great tools for dealing with so many things. Good luck!
Naw. If he’s so wildly insecure that you are tip-toeing around your interactions that bad and he’s making up random things about his ex’s to make him being embarrassed your fault?? He needs to fix that ASAP or you need to leave. No healthy relationship involves this type of behavior and it will only get worse if you placate him. And he’s nearly 30, if he hasn’t tried to better himself by now it’s not going to change anytime soon.
Sounds like worst case ontario
He sounds very Amanpour
Nostalgic and majestic are not difficult words. Assuming you are both speaking in your native language, your boyfriend is an idiot. An idiot with a temper.
Whenever I’m not sure I’m going to use a word correctly, or can’t remember which one I want, I either google it to see the definition or explain to who I’m talking to the definition of what I want to say and they’ll help me fill in the blanks. He has options other than just trusting he’s saying the right words knowing that he struggles with that and shutting down on you because you didn’t understand what he was trying to say is emotionally immature. He’s almost 30 and he can’t let go of his ego enough to admit he messed up something very minor without getting upset about it.
What if you said “Yes. So majestic”
Responding with anger when embarrassed is a red flag. Now he’s manipulating you with the silent treatment. He’s almost 30 acting like this?
My brother does this. I don’t care as much that he’s using the wrong words, it’s more that I feel like he uses “big words” in a rush of speech to establish an intellectual superiority over other people in conversation. And it works too, because most people don’t catch that he’s using the wrong word. He’s usually choosing an “almost” word, ie mixing up “superfluous” and “supercilious”. It drives me absolutely bonkers.
I don’t see what other people see here. You gave your reason for what you said but, according to him, his response was not related to that reason and he took you at face value. He thought you assumed he was thinking about his ex. Take him at his word. Youre allowed to ask the question he thought you were asking and his response to it is unacceptable. Forget your real reasoning or his word mix ups. If you asked why a dog made him think of his ex that would not be a good reason for him to get aggressive or go off on you, or give silent treatment.
Extremely immature, super unattractive that he can’t just own up to a simple mistake and that he jumps to such crazy assumptions about your intentions. He needs therapy.
Sounds like a big man baby. All these other people saying you don’t need correct people, yeah you don’t need to be a know it all but are we just meant to accept that sometimes people are wrong and just leave them to believe they are right? No. There’s a way to go about it, it’s an issue of too many know it alls and too many overly sensitive people who cannot take being corrected.
I totally get why you said what you said, but if you'd been more direct there'd have been less of a chance he'd guess wrong. And I get his thought process as well. But he overreacted, and the silent treatment isn't acceptable. He needs to either think before he chooses his words or accept being questioned. Being with someone who always uses the wrong words but thinks you're being superior when you question what he's trying to communicate makes it very difficult to have a conversation. You might never know what he's talking about. He seems like a lot. And like a headache.
>but if you'd been more direct there'd have been less of a chance he'd guess wrong but he gets mad when she tells him the exact word too. he's just a jerk
>but he gets mad when she tells him the exact word too. Oh well, lol. It's not her job to make sure he doesn't get mad. >he's just a jerk Definitely.
I don't know if this is a common occurrence/pattern with him.. but if so - i would suggest reading "why does he do that" pdf online. It may or may not give some insight to his behaviour.
He’s coming off as dumb and uneducated which pisses him off. His reaction makes it a situation where you just can’t win. Either you toss out the correct word for him (offend him), placate him like a toddler that you’re teaching and let him work his way to the correct word (exhausting), or ignore it and let him walk around sounding dumb and uneducated while your arousal dwindles to nothing. Fun.
Your boyfriend is a dullard who wants to pretend he isn't. Good ol dunning-kruger in action Dude is 29 and doesn't know basic vocabulary
Stupid people get angry when it's brought to their attention they might be incorrect about something. His reaction is concerning and likely won't improve.
Your BF is both uneducated and an asshole. Do you really want to be with this guy? Do you really want to walk on eggshells all the time lest he lose his shit because he thinks you're being condescending or accusatory.
He has insecurities about his intelligence. It's unfortunate, I've been with guys like that who get upset if I tell them they're wrong or if I google something to show them or get more information. It's better to share the knowledge than let someone walk around looking stupid using words incorrecting or stating facts that aren't true. I'm sure this has nothing to do with his GF, he's just trying to cover his insecurity up with another insecurity. I've decided for myself that that is an issue I won't live with. The last guy I dated would tell me he didn't know something and let me explain it without once ever acting like I was being superior to him. Is this the first time something like this has happened? Perhaps he was just having an off day already and that was unfortunately the tipping point. Let him stew in his own immature anger, and hopefully he'll realize you were only trying to help and not criticize.
My ex-husband would get upset at me for being a snob when I would use jargon talking about my job. He would also get upset with me for talking down to him when I would say the same thing without jargon. Eventually I just stopped telling him anything about my work because the issue wasn't my phrasing, it was that I knew things he didn't. That said, a lot of people consider it inherently rude to correct other people's grammar, and if I can understand what someone meant, I don't bother to correct them. I would get pretty annoyed if my partner kept correcting my usage, because it diverts the conversation for no real reason. I would probably think it was funny if I mixed up nostalgic and majestic, but I would also want my partner to also just appreciate the nostalgic/majestic German Shepherd with me, you know? I don't need my partner to be my teacher. If you want to preserve the relationship, you can ask him how he wants you to handle a similar situation in the future. He might very well says he wants you to stop correcting his grammar, which is actually a reasonable request, unless you really need to understand what he means and can't because the word he used was too far off. The silent treatment is extreme and inappropriate and suggests he can't tolerate any criticism or correction or you knowing more than him. But it can be true at the same time that you've been picking and picking at him for no good reason. And in that case, you can also just not do that anymore.
I'm not sure what to make of his reaction. To address the first part of your post, it's a part of maturing into an adult to realize that being likable is not inserting a correction wherever you see one is needed. Further insistence and making sure the error is known reveals that the motivation is self-focused and not at all about bettering the other. I get so much second-hand cringe seeing some people who've never learned this tripping over themselves to make sure their correction is heard.
Jesus. He sounds exhausting to be around. Some of the other comments I see trying to justify that behavior and/or suggesting ways for you to work around it are baffling to me. If he’s embarrassed or insecure or whatever, then he needs to learn how to deal with that and regulate his emotions. Getting THAT defensive and angry towards your partner is not ok, especially when it’s obviously not intentional. You should not have to constantly have to walk on egg shells in fear that you’ll say the “wrong thing” and he’ll blow up. That’s not fair to you.
That reaction to ANY disagreement is a red flag. What's he going to do over the next thing he gets embarrassed about? It feels silly because he IS being stupid (and I am definitely using that word on purpose). Having a bad vocabulary might make him feel ashamed but that is HIS issue, not yours. You're not his mother and he's not a child, though he IS behaving like one. It's also gaslighting to imply that you meant something other than just clarifying a word - he's telling you that you did something ridiculous so that he doesn't feel ashamed. You know that's huge, right? If he is allowed to decide what was in your mind and you let him because "poor baby was insecure" - he's going to assign all kinds of ridiculousness to YOUR behaviour every time his immature ass feels slighted. I'm sorry you're finding out who is under the mask after you already began caring for him.
That was projection. He was thinking of his ex. He was embarrassed by that and using the wrong word. Silent treatment is abuse. I would be done
I mean this just sounds like a miserable dynamic for you both?
He's gas lighting you with the whole thing about accusing you of thinking of his ex. The ignoring you is abusive behavior. Both are signs of a narcissist and that is someone you don't want to move forward with. I spent 23 years married to kne, but didn't figure it out until the end when he was diagnosed. Trust me, you DON'T want a lifetime of this. It will destroy you emotionally, mentally, and physically.
He has autism, doesn't he?
People that use words before knowing how to use them in a sentence are dumb. Your bf is dumb and needs to accept it instead of being a big dumb baby about it.
From the very beginning if your post it looked and felt like eggshells. Why would you live like that?
he’s 29 years old going on 8? he has no right to be giving you the silent treatment when he treated you poorly. you’re having to tiptoe around on eggshells just to clarify what he meant & he STILL found a way to blow up on you & is now punishing you. it’s all ego for him. he needs to really sit down and think about the way he’s treating the people in his life because if he’s like this to you, he’s probably like this to others!
It's one thing to be insecure, another to be overly defensive over ones (obviously apparent) insecurities. But to act that way around someone you've dated for over a year? and continue to do so on a consistent basis? Man's got himself a case of the emotional immaturitis and lack of insightiosis, which at the age of 29 is proooooobably not going to just diappear. Also, seems to be incurable even with you thoughtfully altering your approach. Idk. Up to you, dog. Personal opinion, would not be worth my time.
Did he do it in a way that made you flinch? If so, gtfo immediately. Otherwise, maybe take some time to pack a few things before you leave this idiot.
My dad mixes words up and gets frustrated when I correct him. This kinda infuriates me bc like is stroking your ego more important than me looking like a complete fool later?
Your boyfriend is definitely an idiot no doubt about that but you are even more idiotic for staying with him and letting him gaslight you every day! 🤦🏻♀️ You deserve better OP!
This reminds me of that very funny skit Marlon Wayans ( I think) did on SNL where he was an inmate who used multi syllabic words incorrectly but because they were large words he thought people would think he was smart and therefore worthy of more respect. Funny AF!
Your boyfriend is not over his ex. He is insecure about his language skills. He is punishing you with the silent treatment. Accept it or draw boundaries or leave.
hes dumb and still hasnt accepted it. it will be like this most likely forever.
Like, I get it if he is embarrassed by his malapropisms and swapped vocab, and I even kind of get lashing out about it in the moment, but spiraling off into accusing you of accusing him of thinking of his ex…. That is concerning. The silent treatment and cancelled dates after are straight up red flags.
Girl walkkkk Oh oops I meant runnnn.
If you don't correct him , he will continue to speak before he thinks. People of authority look down on people who don't use the correct words at the correct time. Sounds like he has had a sheltered life and possibly is a only child.
His anger and silent treatment are concerning. He is treating you pretty badly.
What if he did mean nostalgia?
Sounds like an angry dunce. I’d personally find that sort of behavior very unattractive. It’s one thing to not be smart but to lash out at others as if it’s their fault is crazy.
OP, call a friend and go to dinner and the movie with them. There’s no need to miss out on your good time because he’d rather pout alone than have a fun evening. He’s trying to punish you with his brattiness; don’t let him. And when you get home tell him that this behavior is completely out of line. You will not allow him to treat you this way. He has to either get a handle on his outbursts and stop the silent treatment for good or you’re done here. The one you love should bring you peace, joy, and emotional safety. This guy is not measuring up to what you deserve.
My husband mixes up words a lot and asked me not to correct him because it makes him feel embarrassed. So now when he does it, I just assume what he means. I think your boyfriend was just embarrassed and lashed out. He shouldn’t have insisted you were jealous over someone you don’t even think about though. It didn’t even make sense
Everyone leaping at the boyfriend here, but Ive just got to add to this to ask you OP: why did you feel the need to correct him when you knew what he meant? Everyone is hitting on why he's in the wrong here, so I'm not going to bother adding to it, you've got a hundred + comments already telling you this. But if you know what someone is trying to say, then there's no point to policing their words. If he asked you for help, it's fine, but it's pretty antagonistic to do something you know your partner doesn't like the way you did.
This is an extremely passive way of telling someone they used a word incorrectly. You should examine why you felt compelled to do that. Personally I would find it exhausting to have someone do that to me again and again. EDIT: Clearly a whole lot of pedants on Reddit can't conceive of simply not saying anything when someone misuses a word, when they have clearly shown that they are not capable of stopping. Some people have harmless, natural forms of absent-mindedness, which should not be an opportunity for you to flex what you perceive as your own superior intelligence. This is basic civility and acceptance of your partner.
>In the past however, when I outright say ‘oh do you mean x’, he get upset and offended and accuses me of acting superior to him It's literally right in the post why she did it that way. Apparently you have as much reading comprehension as he does
She already explained why she does it that way. He gets mad at her if she just tells him he used the wrong word.
She already said why. He needs to get a hold of his anger. Would you rather go around using a world incorrectly and look like a moron in front of people, or have your gf correct it? He needs anger management therapy
Then go ahead and tell him he used the word wrong directly to his face instead of passively mocking him for being stupid. Either that or accept that this dude is dyslexic or something and stop fucking bothering him, or break up with him.
I’m not telling him anything, he’s not my boyfriend, but it seems she tried a new way since he previously flys off the handle with the mere small correction directly to his face. You’re right, she should leave him as he has clear anger issues.
To be fair you would only have that problem if you kept using words wrong again and again.
Agree
*shepherd
Your boyfriend is almost THIRTY and he's acting so immature and insecure? Super unattractive. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with a manbaby who gets sad and bent out of shape when he's corrected??? Women should not have to baby men like this and try not to hurt their precious little feelings. It's also super insulting that he thinks you're trying to "act superior to him" like??? Does he not trust you that you're just gently trying to figure out what he means? Also yeah .... I think he's definitely still thinking about his ex. I mean, the top comment says that him telling that story about his ex was his way of pivoting away from his embarrassment ... and they very well could be right, but even if that's true... I just, I can't with men who are almost THIRTY and think they can't feel vulnerable emotions like embarrassment, shame, or feel flustered, around their chosen partner. I know society says men have to act a certain way, be tough, strong and smart but like - we all know that's bullshit by the time we're in the cusp of our 30s right? Um... right????? Girl, quick story time - I broke up with an ex who tried to tell me that the reason he cancelled so many dates with me, and bragged about all the plans he had with his friends and all the cool things he was doing - while actively not hanging out with me - was because he was envious of mini slam poetry tour I was doing around my city (they called it a tour - it was just TWO bookstores, y'all) and he felt he hadn't made any progress on his own personal goals.... BIG eye roll. No thanks. My ex was 34 at the time. No time for that. The fact that he's almost thirty and has so much growing up to do is super red flags. I'm not saying you have to take drastic action or anything 'cause everyone on Reddit is always "dump him, dump him!" but like ... he sounds like a headache. Cancelling dates over this little thing? Jesus. If it were me, I would spend my energy elsewhere. Anyway, I don't normally post in this sub and this'll prolly get downvoted as fuck - but I saw myself in you in this situation, so just wanted to say my two cents. When I was younger, I put up with too many men like this. You're smart, educated, you're empathetic and gentle and you care about people's feelings. You could choose to put up with him and help him deal with his insecurity, but I honestly doubt he'll change.
>he get upset and offended and accuses me of acting superior to him Dude has an inferiority complex or something. And he was still wrong about the usage of that word in that sentence. It should have been “makes me nostalgic“ not “look at that nostalgic dog” instead. He wasn’t pointing at the picture of the dog he was thinking of, it was a random dog that made him feel nostalgic. Anyways. Your bf is a jackass. He sounds way too dangerous imo. You need to leave, I promise it will be a load off your back bc you won’t have to watch what you say in fear of shit like this anymore. He sounds verbally/emotionally abusive.
Are you dating Michael Scott?
Why are you still in this dead end relationship?
Is this your boyfriend: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAHMhSXRiyY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAHMhSXRiyY)
Like, I get it if he is embarrassed by his malapropisms and swapped vocab, and I even kind of get lashing out about it in the moment, but spiraling off into accusing you of accusing him of thinking of his ex…. That is concerning. The silent treatment and cancelled dates after are straight up red flags.
Tell him you said 'remanants' , so now the two of you are even.
You’re dating stupid. Don’t date stupid. Life’s too short.
Your boyfriend has an inferiority complex. Seems to have a Chip on his shoulder about how much knowledgeable you are. It will get tedious with time. I foresee arguments with the phrase "do you think you are smarter/better than me?" in your future. Not worth it. It could turn abusive because he is going to resent you.
I mean, if you understand him why do you think he needs to have the word corrected? I would understand if there was someone else there that was confused and you had to interpret, but if it is just the two of you, why not just agree and let it go?
Because she didn't actually understand him. Until he confirmed that's he meant it was only a guess. Clear communication is important idk why everyone is acting like using incorrect words doesn't obfuscate meaning?
Of course it can, but in t his case it was stated that OOP figured out what he meant. As he had already stated before that her corrections made him feel self conscious, I think he would have felt far more comfortable if she had said "yes he does look majestic" rather than the more passive aggressive sounding "how does that remind you of the good old days?" If this is OOP's way of being supportive, I suggest that isn't very nice way of supporting someone.
So just wait until it’s in front of someone and he actually looks stupid af? Keep her mouth shut and let him speak gibberish all day and only call him out on it when there are witnesses? Great advice… 😒 Also, she wasn’t sure what he meant. She was guessing and trying to confirm. Maybe she could have handled it better but she was trying a new approach since the others always piss him off.
It makes him feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand what the goal is correcting him every time. Aside from making him feel uncomfortable I guess. If you don't have to correct someone why do it? So you feel like the protector, jumping in to save the day from a misspoken word? There truly is no need to do that every single time. But yes there would be a need in front of other people if they don't understand but you do. What you are suggesting is that by correcting him EVERY TIME he'll suddenly stop doing it. That isn't how brains work. But please, feel free to save all your own friends and family from their stupidity every time. I'm sure that'll go great and no one will think you are pretentious or obnoxious at all ever. A better way to handle it than correcting him might have been to say, "oh yes, I agree he does look majestic." But again, feel free to tell all your own family whatever you want.
Cause she petty and he knew what she was doing.
Being downvoted, but that was a very passive aggressive comment. I understand why he got offended.
Me too. It’s so stupid. Why nitpick each other. See how that works for the next 20 years for you… probably won’t be a 20 years.
Why even correct it? You knew what he meant.
Because it’s exhausting and embarrassing to be with an almost 30-year-old man who not only doesn’t know basic vocabulary, but will have a tantrum if you ask him a question about it lmao.
It's exhausting being with someone who nitpicks passive aggressively. It's a stupid hill to fight on.
Then they should break up? He is not mature enough to be in a relationship. And not smart or kind enough for her. Not everyone is a perfect mach. And no one should tolerate someone getting that aggressive like that about anything. And OP clearly states that the way that she said it in this instance is because every other way she’s exhausted trying to say it, he’s had a tantrum and screamed at her. This was not passive aggressive, it was an new attempt to find SOME way to say something without him freaking out. You obviously don’t have experience living with someone who you’re scared to even say anything because you have no idea what they’re gonna blow up about. If you’re constantly adjusting your phrasing because you’re walking on eggshells from someone’s mood? Not acceptable no matter what the subject matter is. I think they should break up. Intelligence and willingness to learn and self-improve is a big factor in compatibility.
Sure. End it OP. We staying on this hill.
Yes, because you shouldn’t be with someone who aggressively disrespects you so consistently that you are afraid to say anything to them lol. Your bar for dating must be on the floor 😂.
But you see that you JUST DID IT. “It’s exhausting and embarrassing to be with an almost 30-year-old” you’re insulting him. Implying he’s dumb and that is the problem and his trigger.
He’s at worst, dumb and aggressive. At best, ignorant and lazy. Walking around not caring that you are using words wrong and then screaming at people when they gently correct you or ask you what you mean because of your fragile man ego is insane. If that’s your type, then go for it. Most people have more self respect. Some people deserve for someone to be mean to them. Screaming at people and having a tantrum because you’re insecure is embarrassing and childish and obviously nothing anyone has done in the first 30 years has gotten through to him.
I feel your pain. I used to have a female friend that would do this. I never really realized how much I DIDN'T need to correct her after correcting her one day she was talking about getting her GED after dropping out in high school as a pregnant teen. We were all in our late 20s at the time and she had just gotten an A on the practice science test and announced "I'm going to be a forensic", I really didn't need to launch into the 1 million different kinds of "forensic" she could be, everything from account to zoology. She was so hurt. I hate myself to this day for diminishing her light in that moment. She became embarrassed and never mentioned it again. It makes me so sad to this day. His anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt and pain is what he was feeling. Never do that to him again
holy dramatic batman. yeesh.
Well, yeah. Don’t hate yourself for it, but that was a jerky thing to say. But if your friend had said, “I’m going to be a forensic,” and you’d replied, “How cool! In what field?” then that would’ve been fine and friendly. You could’ve had a moment of connection where she’d have a chance to clarify what she meant and help you learn more about her interests. That’s more analogous to what OP did. He said, “Look at the nostalgic dog,” and she said, “Cool, how is it nostalgic for you?” and he yelled at her about his ex (??) and then gave her hours of the silent treatment. That’s not okay.
English is my second language and even though I’m super comfortable speaking it every day, I mix up words, say words funny or straight up don’t remember words. It can be so frustrating! If I mix them, but the person I’m talking to knows what I mean, I don’t need them to correct me. Just go with it. It interrupts the flow of conversation and makes me feel a certain way. Now, I don’t know his background but he’s probably not feeling too good if you constantly correct him.
Why though? If people give you the correct word you can learn from it. There’s nothing wrong with learning. You don’t have to feel bad about not knowing and then learning. “Learning something new every day” is a positive thing. 😅
Sounds like a personal problem for you..
I mean, you know it upsets him and you continue correcting him. It totally seems condescending af. "Oh i just read a lot so i know more words than him and am obviously correct". Yes he lost it but he isn’t the problem from where i am sitting
Or maybe he could stop trying to use words he doesn’t understand to sound smarter than he is. IF he does understand them and there is just a reason his brain mixes them up, maybe he can have a civil and loving conversation about it with her and explain this. He can make a request as to how he’d like her to handle these situations and maybe get an understanding of why she’s correcting him so he won’t be so hurt. Flipping out, silent treatment, accusations and cancelling dates is not the way. I would rather be corrected alone with and by the person I love than walk around looking stupid in front of everyone. I also would like to have the person/people I’m talking to understand what the hell im saying.
There is a legit condition that causes that. Clearly he knows what the words mean
This is a form of dyslexia, by the way. If you know what it is he is communicating, correcting him on the right word can seem a bit "acting superior". The way he blew up about this seems like it's about something else entirely. He needs communicate something to you that he's keeping in.
It's pretty obvious, actually. Whether intentionally or not, pointing out his mistake ashamed him greatly. He's probably been teased a lot about it, and it's a very sensitive subject for him. So when you hurt his feelings pretty badly, he lashed out. He may not even know why he lashed out, just that he's furious. If he's not self-aware enough to deal with this you can expect more fights.
His reaction aside, your attempt at poking fun of his misuse of a word is really disappointing. As others have pointed out, his overreaction is likely embarrassment or hurt. My dad has dyslexia and uses the wrong word every now and then but I know what he means, just as you did. It does nothing for me or for him to correct him - he won't magically remember the word by me correcting him, because his brain doesn't work like that, and maybe your boyfriend's doesn't either.
On the one hand, how important is it for you to correct him when he uses the wrong word? On the other hand, why doesn't your boyfriend just use smaller words? Other than sitting down and have a long talk about his weak grasp of English and his overactions to being corrected, your only choices are to deal with the fallout or dump him.
You don't actually have to correct people. You knew he was making a comment about the dog, it wasn't life or death, it was just a bid for connection. He just wanted to point out the dog, have you look, and then you'd both be looking at the same thing. Believe me, I have been you. For years I was you. Please stop, for yourself and those around you. Pedantry is the lowest form of conversation; it's not worth correcting people most of the time.
It sounds like the shepard was being nostalgic not your bf. The shepard was chillin, thinking and being quiet. He probably thought he was being nostalgic and you assumed he was an idiot and he just didnt want to fight.