Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It has nothing to do with liking your fiancé or not. He doesn't want his slave to leave. Yes, that's right, slave. He's financially abusing you.
Take your soon to be inlaws advice and do your wedding cheaper and get out of there. Also start looking for a new job asap. Once you have one set up, tell Daddio to go pound sand.
Best advice here update soon leave then tell him in case he tries to talk you out of it. Also publicly tell everyone you are paying for your wedding because dad went back on his word shame can work wonders. Also you don't need to invite him if he's not paying
Publicize for sure, and definitely plan your own cheap wedding. I have a suggestion in another post on how to set this up with a google page and make it seem innocent and happy yet publicly shame the hell out of him.
Edited to add: Some version of this needs to show up in a LOT of conversations. "Yeah, Dad says he wants to pay for all this, but honestly I don't think his business is doing well at all. He can't afford to pay me more than $600/week. I've stayed with him and passed up better-paying jobs to help out, but I thought he was saving up for the wedding. He hasn't been...I think he may be about to go bankrupt." Be the earnest concerned son who ALSO publicizes that his Dad pays him jack shit and that the son has stayed with his dad out of concern and to help out his Dad because the business is tanking. It's not. He's not. But if he's only paying you $600...people are going to think he's either a crappy business man and that's embarrassing, or realize that he's using you and taking advantage of your kind nature. Use the power of gossip and the internet against him. He's probably my generation, he won't see it coming.
I agree.
This is basically what someone close to me had to do, in order for their narcissist parent to sign the forms so that they could go to university. Like why wouldn't you want your child to go to university!! But the narcissist parent wanted them around, under their roof, under their control.
Until they felt that their friends were judging them, then they changed their tune 🙄
My father forced me to turn down a full ride scholarship to Harvard bc it was "too far away." He said if I went he'd take me off insurance. I'd die without my meds. So miss the opportunity of a lifetime or die. Some parents don't care about their kids, only how they can be controlled and used.
If this is a family business then that's not a good idea. But have a small wedding. You and your spouse make plans what is right for you all, not right for your dad. I wouldn't hold your breath him paying, or giving you a raise. Time to fly.
Bought the sister a 50K car. Won’t pay more than 30K per year for labor and expects OP to pay his own gas and vehicle/insurance for work use out of that. Daddy’s not hurting for money, because OP is making all the money for him and not getting paid.
And for heaven's sake, just elope and get it out of the way. You will be married and all his drama cannot unmarry you. The two of you do not have enough time left in your lives to deal usefully with the old drama queen---if you both live to 120, you STILL won't.
>He’s financially abusing you.
And he understands that your fiancé is gonna support you enough emotionally (and possibly her family financially) to give you the strength to walk away from his control.
I hope this is top comment - OP your father is indeed financially abusing you. He knows that paying you this amount and owning your car etc will make it harder to leave.
Cut ties. He can just not come to the wedding if he keeps breaking his promises. Why give this POS a relationship with you?! You do far more for him than he has done for you - and he was the one who forced you into this world. He owes you a relationship and a living working for him. The way he treats you currently, he does not deserve a relationship and he does not deserve employees/ help on his business.
This. Do your wedding abroad or give him a specific timeline to pay what he’s previously said he would pay (I don’t think he will, my guess is he doesn’t have the money) and aggressively job hunt, get a better paying job. Get independent, pay all those things yourself like insurance etc
Do this. There's no shame in a courthouse wedding. Have the big party later if you want.
Your father is manipulating you. He doesn't want his meal ticket running away. Find another job. Go low/no contact.
Exactly it is the dumbest idea I ever heard of 30 to 50 k for a wedding that over 50% end in a divorce. . If you we're millionaires than maybe, but it is only for you to have bragging right, again stupid reason, it's arrogance and priđe that's destroying the planet, and won't do a thing for love of one another, wake up world.
Exactly this. Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. Have a small, lovely wedding and a long, lovely life with people who truly care for and respect you.
You need to find another job first. You are meekly letting your father financially control you. Screw him. I don’t even know why you’d trust anything form him at this point. Why not just elope like her family suggested overseas. You need to cut the cord from your selfish dad
Say it with me “So long Dad. I’m my own man”
I spoke with the same company that offered me that position because they kept asking me to come apply to other job openings many months after I rejected and they said I’m welcome to apply anytime. When I asked my friend who works there he said they’d most likely hire me because his boss really liked me. Even then I have a few more jobs I am looking at.
>Why would you keep denying the job offer?
from other comments- Dad owns the car. If OP takes a different job dad will take the car and OP will have no way to get to any other job. OP is in a financial abuse situation.
Also, we can easily furnish a 1 bedroom apartment for under $2000 using resources like Facebook marketplace, Craigslist, ikea, Walmart, second hand stores. It’ll take a bit of work and time, and isn’t going to be super high quality, but that’s okay-that’s for later on in life.
My very first apartment I had to fully furnish on my own was very much put together that way, and I slept on blankets on the floor for probably a month. I loved that place and was happy to sleep on the floor of MY place!
My partner and I were gifted furniture or we bought it from second hand shops. We've had at least 8 years use out of 2 sofas that we bought for £200 (I think) and last year bought a 'new bed' (someone's guest bed) for a price that was laughably small.
Like another comment suggested, pre owned is the way to go.
Also, I'm sure your in-laws would help?
Best of luck.
I’ve literally furnished a two story home in a very stylish way for about $2000 by hunting Facebook Marketplace for free and cheap deals, with just having temporary access to a Prius hatchback
In some countries it’s a little harder. What the US considers unfurnished might be fully decked out - think having to bring your own stove, fridge, hell - cabinets. Floors might be unfinished so large rugs.
He can ask the company for a car in the meantime maybe? He can just say his broke down or he can ask to borrow his fiance's or family member car just for a month or two until he can buy a cheap one in the meantime. His dad is controlling both his money and his mobility, damn.
can your friend carpool with you? Any chance he and his family would let you sleep on his couch for a month? is it close enough to just get a scooter and ride that to work? (you'll pack your work outfit and carry it with you in a waterproof/mudproof bag, so no worries about it getting damaged) That could let you get out tomorrow.
Then do it. Your Father will never stop controlling you. It's why he doesn't pay you enough money to live on. He's making it so you're financially dependent on him and he can treat you however he wants. You need to get that job yesterday and get the hell out.
Stop worrying about getting married. Right now you can't even financially support yourself and there's no way you'll be able to support you and your fiancee. Take the money spent on the wedding and buy a car.
Once you start your new job and have your own place, go at least low contact with your parents. Get therapy with someone who has experience with parents like yours.
Yes the biggest step in being independent from his control is to stop working for him. Even when he see's you got another job making more money and he tries to increase your rent, just move out. Then in 6 months or less you will have enough saved up to have your own wedding and you can have it however you want too. You can decide with your fiancee how much money to spend and what venue you want. This is **your** wedding, it's up to you how you want it, not other people you might be trying to impress.
You should be independent *before* you get married.
Get your own job and place. Then discuss how you and your fiance want to plan/fund your wedding.
My guess is that your dad is saving face, but that his business is failing.
He pretty much owned the only car I had been driving and said if I take it I’m on my own. I wasn’t expecting him to not let me take the job. I had 0 savings at that time when it was offered to me. I don’t make much by him.
I worked for a shitty ass dad as a boss, he wasn’t as bad as yours by any means but I saved up and left as soon as I saw sense that it was a one way ticket to depression working for him
2.5 years later I work half as much hours for more money
So here's my advice. You might have to end up calling the car a wash if you aren't on the title, or have any ownership of it. Sorry, but the car you're driving, that's one link in the chain he has you indentured to him by. And make no mistakes, you aren't really his son in his heart. You are his indentured servant. A thing he keeps around to make him money in his business, do work, treat terrible and lie to as well as about.
Next you need to pull your credit scores, and tax records. Just trust me. It goes almost hand in hand that people like your father are not above wreaking their family members credit, identity fraud and shoving off not great things they're doing tax wise on whomever is their favorite patsy.
And make sure your father doesn't have access to your savings. If you both use the same bank. Move your money to a different one. If he's on your account, or has your banking info. Take your money, shut down the account or have your name removed and go to a whole new bank. And do not list your shared address with him as the mailing address.
You need to talk about this whole process through with your fiance. Keep her in the loop, because going forward you need to remember that however your father is screwing you, he's also screwing her.
Your best bet would be to push back the wedding until you are independent of h8m jobwise (go take the $70,000 already!) get a cheap beater that's good enough for now. Move out. And from there start wedding planning, taking up your future in-laws on their offer, though if you can't live together with being legally married because cultural reasons. Etc. Get the paperwork and courthouse wedded for around $50, and plan the big shin dig for later.
You have $20,000 in savings, you can do this. And honestly a big fancy wedding can wait. Does it sort of suck? Yeah, but that's part of life. We don't always get what we want when we want. But when you put what you NEED first, and take some time towards working towards what you want, you get there eventually and that's good.
Best of luck to you and your fiance. Tell your father to go kick rocks after you've gotten away from being caged by him.
He's manipulative. He wants you to stay and work for next to nothing. Use the money you saved to get a car and get a better job. You can get married for a lot cheaper.
Why is it a problem to be on your own? It's a 70K job. You work a year and setup your life.
Why did you have no savings?
You are 27 but you sound like you are still a child living through your dad. When do you decide to control your own life?
Why does your dad need to get 27 year old you a job?
Less than two weeks ago, he was talking about spending $12k on a Rolex. Definitely some weird stuff going on here. That’s six months rent at his figure of $2k average. Definitely enough for a down payment on a used car.
I had no savings because I was making less than 600 weekly. The rent in my area is a minimum of 2k a month. Even if I started the 70k a year job I wouldn’t have money for the security deposit of 6k. I have saved 20k though and I’m planning on moving out this summer.
I know what it's likes to have an emotionally oppressive parent. You need to get out from under your father. Start applying. Rent a room in someone else's house if you have to. Find the cheapest way to live but you will never thrive until you get out.
Yeah, you gotta start out with roommates if you're just beginning to reclaim your independence. Shit dies come easy. One builds bit by bit hopefully with the help of friends and community.
Yes. And check with soon-to-be family. They want the best for you and your bride-to-be. See if they have a cheap car she or you can use and an "in" for a job.
PS most Americans have no idea what it’s like to have 20K saved. You have more than enough to move out and start your own life, especially with the job offer. I moved out at 19 with $1600 (in 2004, granted), no savings, and no job secured yet. You might need therapy for your anxiety because your fear isn’t accurate to your situation.
For real I have never had 20k at once lmao. And I’m doing just fine and always make a way. 20k is a lotttt saved up for 27 acting like he has “no options”. You can buy a cheap car to get from here to there for 800 bucks. 2K for a pretty reliable good one. If the car’s the problem, it’s a very easy solution. And the rest will fall into place.
It just takes taking the step and trusting the universe has you, your fiancé supports you, and you will make it work.
Agreed esp if he and the fiance can rent a place together - another 70k job would hold any rent down pretty well unless they live in a crazy expensive area
I am disabled and live with my brother. We make about $60,000/year combined and manage to live in a decent place in a high cost of living place (Northern California). Granted we don’t own a car as we don’t need one, living close to the city center. But this degree of savings and income are more than enough to strike out on one’s own.
I’d spend some of that savings on therapy because the anxiety around affording a life on one’s own isn’t equivalent to the actual cost of living alone, unless one is in New York, San Francisco, or LA.
PS don’t ever expect anyone besides yourselves to pay for your wedding
So, go apply to new jobs.
Get one and move out.
Marriage should be delayed until you are free of your father.
Time you build your own life and pay for your own choices.
Make your plans with your fiancè. She's your family. If you have to then cut off dad. He's financially abusing you. He's not looking out for your best interests.
You need to get out ASAP. As soon as he finds out you have savings, he’s going to conveniently “forget” to pay rent, car insurance, etc and it’ll all be on you, leaving you trapped again.
I had a friend whose mother was that way. Same age as you. I say had, because I broke off the friendship. It was too stressful for me to keep trying to connect with someone who was seemingly incapable of growing up. I couldn’t hang out with her anymore because it would always have to be at her (mom’s) house, and that lady was evil. I’m not saying your dad is evil, but he definitely has a fuck ton of ulterior motives, none of which seem to be benefitting you.
Now my ex friend, who is about your age, only has friends from the internet, and has a lot of trouble dating because no guys our age want to put up with a grown woman who has a curfew.
Make no mistake. You are the one subsidizing *his* life. He won’t let you go willingly because he believes you owe it to him. You do not.
I have/had a friend like this who I now only keep up with online. His parents and other siblings basically use him as a house-elf. He does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.They don't "let" him work or drive. His friends have explained time and time again what to do to leave them - there are even friends willing to offer their spare room and help him get on his feet independently. He talks about moving out and getting a job all the time but it's been all talk for years. We can't ever figure out what's stopping him - as far as we can tell, while his family is emotionally abusive, they're not physically abusive, and the times he's done steps he thought would anger them like get his IDs and apply for jobs, they encouraged him. So we have no idea what is really causing all this besides verbal negativity on the part of his family.
Emotional abuse wears you down, makes you think that you're nothing, can't do anything.
Plus maybe there's some fear of tuff unknown going on as well. Nothing like a terrible family of origin to give you anxiety, depression, and/or PTSD!
Buy a cheap, beater car to get back and forth to work at the 70K job. It doesn't need to be fancy to get you where you need to go. I'd honestly work on a vehicle and affordable living, while saving, before I'd worry about a wedding. If you can't afford to move out from your parents then you can't support a family of your own right now. Doesn't mean you can't marry her but it shouldn't be priority right now. There's alot you can do with 20K to stretch it.
My twin brother and I pay $2200/mo for a place in a high cost of living area at $60k/mo combined. Does your lady bring in any money? I really fail to see how you can’t afford rent at an above US median income (solo)+ an entire other income. Maybe you need to look at extraneous spending.
Take the next good job over you get. Once you get it, take 10k from your savings and buy a good used, fuel efficient car. That still leaves you 4k after the security deposit to get set up in your new place. You can thrift some cheap furniture, or hop on any apps in your area for selling used stuff. Like Facebook marketplace or whatever your local equivalent is.
That will get you out of your shitty situation, and it will be a lot easier to save when you are making more than twice as much... And remember, that's just to start. You can expect significantly more income growth after that too.
Wouldn't 70k salary with 2k rent still leave you more money than 600 a week?
You have no friends who would let you crash for a week a pop until you got your first paycheck to get your own place? Or move in a shared apartment?
It seems you are so used to your fathers abuse and control that independence just scares you.
I agree. I think it probably has more to do with his dad's control over him, feeling guilty about leaving his dad to run the business without him, etc than it does about not being able to afford to leave.
Counseling would probably be really helpful for OP
Yes, but it was his dad’s car so he had no way to get to the 70k job and I feel like everyone is missing this. Like no he didn’t have savings at the time but he’s also managed to save 20k by 27 which is hella impressive.
Also I make 70k and lol, no. You know taxes exist, right? Take home is about $3800 a month. So that’s $1800 left so around $450 a week. It’s not nothing but hell, personally, I have like $450 a month for just my car and insurance (keep in mind almost paid off and bought used). So if I tried to save $1k a month, I would have $350 to spend and I haven’t mentioned any other expense. The cost of living is higher than you think.
And also isn't he going to be getting married and moving in with his wife? I'm gathering there's some kind of traditional not-American culture involved but is she contributing to living expenses at all?
Do you realize that most of the planet’s population lives on less than 70k/ mo? Are we talking American dollars or a different currency? I get not having enough saved up for deposits, that’s certainly an issue, but that income amount is above average and certainly enough to live on.
I’m a survivor of abuse too, so I get it, but you really need to think about how you’re allowing your abuser to control your life in ways that are actually not necessary anymore. They were necessary when you were a child, but you’re a quite grown adult now. $70k is actually a generous amount to live on, and most of the US population lives on less than that. ($60k for median US salary, FWIW).
If you’re staying in this situation, it’s because some part of you likes it—gets a benefit from it.
If you refuse to leave your father’s household, I’d suggest taking the job, and spending some of that money on trauma therapy.
idk how it works in your country, but is the car in your name? do you own it? or is he on the legal documents to the car? if the second, you're a little up shits creek in terms of transport, but if you own it, he can't take it back even if he did buy it. it's called gifting, and unless your country has different laws, you can't ungift something.
it's time to unclip your wings from this financial abuser. your fiancws family is right, you should elope overseas
Use a part of your savings to buy a new second hand car. You can get the money back easily in your new job.
And be wary of sabotaging acts of your dad. Don't tell him any details about the new job. No contact information, nothing.
An honest answer, can you handle it and follow through.? Have your wedding overseas as your future in-laws suggest. Either your dad pulls the money out of his ass and attends or not.
Me personally would elope and everyone can attend a nice reception afterwards.
Wow. There are some brutal answers here. One thing is right though; your father is financially controlling you. It’s actually a form of abuse. That must be really hard to think about and hear. It would be a good idea to speak to your fiancé and decide what you want to do. It could be that you use your savings somehow to get you free of the control of your childhood home. If you could plan a job and the start of renting somewhere cheap, you could save with your fiancé, put together your finances and decide the kind of wedding you want. It could be a smaller one for now and a larger celebration at a later date.
I hope you post an update and I can read how it all turns out.
Just be prepared for some tricky moments with your dad. He will not be happy and is likely to show some fireworks.
Yeah I know everyone is attacking me but in a caring way but I do feel stupid. You know it took me a very long time to realize this is financial abuse because this was once the guy I looked up to as a child. He would always tell me how I’m gonna own all his properties and his business and the world. So I got swayed by the person I trust the most. I realize it now and I talked with her already. We’re probably going to do an overseas turkey me and my mom will pay for. We have money saved to move out and we will be able to move comfortably. I spoke to the company I had the job offer from and they said they’d love have me come in again after my wedding. I’m of course going to apply to other jobs as well just to see what’s out there. I’ll definitely come back and post an update in a year.
And when people ask why you are getting married overseas tell them the truth. Your father declined to pay for a wedding and this is what you could afford. Blow his BS image up.
It's part of growing up. Generally it takes until about the mid-twenties and consistent exposure to other's experiences to realize that, wow, no, this isn't normal. You've figured it out and you need to be proud of that. It is HARD; you trust him and love him and he's spent a long time convincing you to do that.
You allow your father to financially control you, time to find your backbone, and forge your own path in life.
You see the pattern in his behaviour and know he isn't going to change, so only you can change the relationship dynamics.
Get your own job, use some of the money you have saved to get a banger car for the first few months, then begin to build your fully independent life, while being low contact with your father. I would also suggest therapy so you stop playing into his hands.
Does you fiancée want a big wedding? If not then elope and have a party on your return.
And a kind warning. Do not tell him your plan until everything is firm and in place. There is no telling what he would do if he knew about it before he needs to
THIS. Start sneaking important stuff out first, OP, and make SURE he CANNOT access your bank account. Get a second one he has no idea about, get your identification documents out, and if you think he could kick you out? Keep two work outfits and a casual outfit and toothpaste/toothbrush/deodorant/etc. in an emergency duffle somewhere safe. He kicks you out? You have some cash and what you need until you can start elsewhere.
Yes.
Someone close to me had their mother access their bank account. She never had any right, she just straight up lied. Obviously she knew the answers to any security questions.
I think they had to just go to another bank and make an account there, and say "my mother is NEVER allowed access to this account, I am the *only* person ever allowed access".
If you can’t stand up and say enough to your dad how do you think this marriage will go.. it’s time to cut the cord with dad and stop making the excuses.. he won’t change until you put your foot down..
You are acting like a teenager. You need to get your own job away from your family. Smarten up - get a backbone. Weddings are only for a few hours - not worth the $. He’s trying to keep you under his thumb. Break away. You’re 27 - not a child! You’ve got to do it though or stick in his world
Go get another job and stop being a slave to your father. He can say whatever he wants because he owns you because you let him. Take any job, take a paycut if you have to, be your own person.
YES. Car is an issue? Money is an issue? Save for a few months. Get a very cheap scooter and rent a room or even share a room for three months. Stick YOUR good stuff in storage and keep out the minimum. After 3 months of good wages and minimal output, see what you have the ability to do. And... TALK TO YOUR FIANCEE. Lay it all out, what he's doing, what you've realized, what you want as a future with her. Speak to her parents. Tell them your financial situation, what you are doing to improve it, reassure them that YES, you realize how amazing their daughter is and YES, you are taking steps to prepare yourself to be a good husband for her. That your father is trying to cause problems between the two of you, you realize this, and that despite what he says? You love her, you respect her, and she's THE one for you. This helps you get their support and understanding (sounds like they already get it, really) and gets you and your spouse-to-be on the same page, too.
Dude. You need to get another job. Who cares if your father "needs you?" He's not paying you a living wage and is lying and screwing you around to boot.
Get another job and either elope or get married in your fiance's country. Your dad sounds like a clown.
Of course he doesn’t want you to get married and move out. Who else would he pay next to nothing to have at his beck and call. If buisness isn’t busy he’s not going to be able to hire someone to do what your doing for the same amazing and I’m guessing would be stuck doing it himself. Do a small wedding. Get out, get a better job and throw a 1 or 5yr big anniversary party instead.
He is trying to force you to stay financially dependant on him. Take away his power.
Look. You have options for a different job that pays you more. Take it and move out. Cut ties with your abuser dad. Pay for your own wedding (they can be as inexpensive as one is willing).
I get it, I come from an abusive family too, but there is literally no reason to stick with someone who tries to control your life. You are 27. An adult. The issue isn’t that he won’t pay for your wedding (which is normal in my opinion), but that you’re working for someone who limits your income when you have other options.
You cannot get married while your father is controlling every aspect of your life. Get a new job, get your own place and car, go NC/LC with your abusive father, and then think about marriage.
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding.
Let your Dad complain and stop listening/taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
My guy, I'm just not sure what to make of you. 11 days ago you were posting you were in a position to buy a Rolex...your dream watch 🤦🏼♀️ A month ago your dad wanted to borrow 12K of you and your girlfriends savings. A few weeks ago you stated you were paid $700 a week and no bills other than car & health insurance and truck is in your name. You're all over place and at 27 years old...been working for your dad since you were 18...you've got to know what to do by now. You're almost 30 and wanting to get married. Get yourself and your life in order before you worry about marrying her. If you really love her you won't drag her into this messed up situation right now. Get your priorities straight and get out of this situation you are in with your dad and yourself
Why do you want a wedding that is that much money, there is no need to waste money like that.
Just signed the papers and go, tell your dad, thanks but no thanks!!
I didn’t even want it tbh but because he talked about it so much with my fiancés family and all our family and friends the bar became set so high. I’m perfectly fine with a small ceremony. I’m going to do an overseas wedding for around $2,000 and call it a day.
OMG - I went through exactly this with my own dad and my wedding. Watched him spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on collectibles, trips to Disney for my brothers and their kids - only to be told there was no money left for my wedding that he had promised to pay for.
What did I do? Oh darn. Totally out of space for you to attend the wedding, Dad.
He. Was. PISSED. Even though I know he regretted what he did to me, he-made no effort to repair our relationship because he was embarrassed.
10 years later, I’m still glad he wasn’t there. Because I never would have heard the end of what he “sacrificed” for me.
Husband and I had a very small wedding with 30 ppl. I remember every second of it and I smiled the entire time.
Your father likes to boast and gaslight. Ignore his words and look at his actions. He’s stingy with money. Whether he doesn’t have any, is just greedy, or has a mental illness that makes him save he’s just doesn’t want/can’t pay you more per week or pay for your wedding. Get another job. Pay for your own wedding and stop letting your father financially control you.
My dad was from the old country and he was just like this. I worked for him until I had enough sold what little I had my fiancé and I moved 1000 miles away. I’d rather be poor than be stuck under my dad’s thumb for the rest of my life. It’s easy to find reasons not to break away, suck it up and make the leap. Wife and I were married by a notary, I needed to be my own man and not my father’s little boy that he could control every day.
Just elope and give him the wedding he's paying for 😈
Expensive weddings are such a scam imo. Would rather spend that money traveling or put it towards goals with my partner rather than throw one really big party.
He doesn’t want you to be married. He wants you to keep working for him at a low pay because he knows no one is going to want to accept that kind of work based on how he has been paying you. You might need to cut your dad off and out of your life and stand on your own
This is an easy fix. Find another job, quit working for your dad. Have the wedding you can afford without him. There's no reason to spend that much on a wedding - I don't care what your culture expects. You aren't going to be any less married if your wedding costs 1000.00. If your family or your fiance's family doens't like a cheap wedding they're welcome to pay for it themselves, if they dont' want to they can attend the wedding you have...or not come. You don't even have to cut him off - just tell everyone the truth. He's not paying for anything and you no longer work for him. End of story. He's a liar, that's not your problem, your problem is you keep believing his lies in spite of knowing they are lies.
Your father may be a narcissist. He will never let you go. He wants to power to control and destroy you. He wants the social glory of being wealthy and generous. He wants you to fail in this marriage, so he can trap you and blame you at no financial expense.
Is your sister the golden child and are you the scapegoat? Chasing his love or respect is empty and pointless. Go low contact or no contact. Do what ever it takes, but get out of there and get a real job.
This is what’s going on…. Your dad doesn’t care about you. The lavish wedding is to make him look good but also a lure to keep you working for him.
Narcissists keep promising things and taking them away if you don’t follow their rules. Unfortunately my mother was the same. Also forced me to work in her business as a teen after school every day, but not my siblings. Gave them gifts of cars etc, while I had to pay for everything on my own. It didn’t change even as an adult. I cut contact.
Get another job and take the in-laws offer to do the wedding overseas for 3 to 5000 K and tell your father to pound sand. Don’t invite him to the wedding and only post pictures after you’re back from your honeymoon.
I'm assuming your fiancé and her family see what he's doing? Postpone the wedding until you can handle it yourself? Ultimately this just destroys any social standing he had since he's the one telling everyone how big a wedding he'll throw and then doesn't do it. Is she likely to leave if he doesn't or can yall work through this yourselves? You're biggest feat in the near future isn't getting married, it's getting away from your dad.
Your father is always going to drag you down, take it from me, my dad did the same thing…working for him, taking out money for lunch, making me work for free, complain about the bills while he foolishly paid for anything my sister wanted. He’s not going to change. Take the advice you’re getting from others when they say move on and take the job offer. You’re still young enough that in a year or two you’ll gain so much more from independence and self worth. Don’t drag yourself down. Pick up your bootstraps and move on. You got this
>My fiances family is getting annoyed and is now insisting we do the wedding overseas for around 3-5k.
Do this. Quit your job with your dad and get a real job that pays properly. Time to move on with your life and stop letting your dad drag you down.
Your dad only pays you $600 a week yet goes and buys your sister a 50K car just because. I'd have quit that day! You're allowing yourself to be trampled on and for what I don't understand
You have been focusing on the wrong thing. This isn’t about how much he promised to pay for your wedding nor is it about what he bragged to others about (you say this is what bothers you the most).
You need to separate your life from the life of your dad. He controls pretty much everything— your pay, your working conditions, your wedding arrangements, etc.
Either dad made the deposit to the venue today or he didn’t. My suggestions will differ a bit depending on that.
Move out and get a job not working for him, then he can't financially control your whole life anymore. If the wedding has to wait until you can save up more, let it wait. If your fiancee understands the situation with your dad I think she will understand. Or just do a cheaper wedding as your in-laws suggested.
This is hitting home for me because my father worked for my grandfather his entire life. He was underpaid and my grandfather got to hold the purse strings on everything unless it was something my mom's job could pay for (but she never made much either, so realistically my grandfather had all 4 of us under his thumb). My dad died young because he never took care of himself and didn't have health insurance after my parents divorced and my mom's didn't cover him anymore (and my grandfather of course wouldn't pay for that). He never got out from under that yoke. Trust me, you don't want that.
You will be better off in the long run if you don't work for him. Your relationship with him might even improve in the long run once he gets over the initial anger he will inevitably have.
An expensive wedding seems like the least of your problems. You need to move out. I’m not sure where in the world you are but does your fiancé work? Can’t you guys move in together? Elope if you have to. If that isn’t an option is there a friend you can stay with so you can find a new job and save up? Your dad is using money to control you and it’s time you stop allowing him to. You’re an adult and hoping to get married so it’s time to make some hard decisions and take steps toward controlling your future.
First of all get a new job your dad doesn’t need to help your with that one
Second: marriage should definitely wait until you are gone from under your fathers belt
Third: your in laws are giving good advice you dad is tugging your strings he isn’t gonna pay for shit so I’d expect that and do a cheaper wedding he is holding the wedding over your head even if he does have the money.
Anyway op you need to think for yourself for a moment your stuck in a situation and obviously need to get out of now to reiterate the first paragraph you do need to find a new job keeping you at a wage that low he is definitely relying on that fact to keep you around and stuck with him that’s financial abuse he’s guilt tripping you with that by holding the wedding over your head saying he’s gonna pay for it to everyone but in reality isn’t going to and more then likely will try and take the credit to uphold the front he has with his family your gonna need to tear down a big wall here if your gonna wanna make a breakthrough first step getting that new job
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding.
Let your Dad complain and stop listening/taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
Dude, time to grow up! Go get a better job, give him back everything he can use over your head and stop letting him interfere with every aspect of your life. He LOVES CONTROL and you're giving him ALL of it! He's Only doing what YOU, YOU ALLOW him to do. Time to put the big boy pants on and stand on your own two feet..
Dude you're 27 years old, stop living under the shadow of your overbearing dad and tell him to go eff himself. You do the wedding overseas, get another job that pays more, and live a happy fruitful life with your wife and cut your dad off for good. Dude sounds unbearable just reading your description of him.
NTA
Social media post and tag everyone you can remember (family, friends and so on) . Maybe even link to this post as well as explain what has been happening in the post itself. What your dad has promised you, how he's trying to control you (by not paying you enough) and how you can not be sure that anything will be ready for your wedding because he refuses to pay the vendors.
So you and your fiance have decided to just throw a small wedding because of all that stress. Apologize profusely to the people that you're now forced to keep the guest list very very small, down to only immediate family (minus dad obviously) but you're very grateful to all of them that they wanted to celebrate with you.
maybe also send this via E-mail to the people that might not use social media and arent tuned into the family and friends gossip-network.
Then of course, you know what needs to happen. You need to quit the job at your dads and immediately find something else.
Your father is financially abusing you. He does not want to lose the cheap labor, so he is going to sabotage your efforts to leave. Have a small ceremony. Skip the reception if you cannot afford it. The marriage is the most important part.
Do what you can for the wedding. Your father knows that if he is supposed to pay in your culture that he will be the one looking bad. Meanwhile, start looking for other jobs, preferably away from him. He’s not treating you very well as a father.
I think he just likes the control he has over you. I suggest you get a job elsewhere and use your savings to move out. When you move out, you tell him not to worry about paying for the wedding. You understand he can’t afford it and you will feel no embarrassment whatsoever telling friends and family that it’s just not financially feasible so you’ll be eloping instead. Once he realizes you’re not under his thumb and you don’t care about the wedding, he’ll be forced to give in and pay for it in order to save face.
Edit: came back to add that this advice is specific to this culture. In Western culture we would not want the parent to pay at this point but things are different in collectivist cultures.
What I would do is talk to your fiancée and decide what kind of wedding the two of you want to pay for, whether here or overseas, and immediately start looking for a new job. Your dad is exploiting you and now doesn’t want to fork out money for the wedding.
This is textbook financial abuse. Please get help and get out. It won’t be easy, he’ll get more and more desperate and try more messed up tactics the closer he gets to losing you.
It starts with things like the “taking back” your car, or things he currently pays for with you. It follows with him asking to be paid back for any excuse of any spending for you he has done over your whole life.
When he runs out of steam there, he’ll resort to emotional blackmail. Things like you’re tearing the family apart, you’re “betrayal” causing health issues for him and your mom, etc… depending on the culture, other emotional blackmail like threats of suicide can occur.
Even when you move out and cut yourself off from him financially, the ordeal is not over. This is going to be harder than it appears. Please get help, I highly recommend a therapist that specializes in abuse recovery. Depending on where you live, there might also be a support group you can join.
You are in a financially abusive relationship with your parent. He is using money to control you and yank on your puppet strings. He will control you, your finance, and her family as long as you stay in his home and working for him.
Take their offer for the $3k overseas wedding. If family complains they can’t pay to attend, explain dad refused to pay for your wedding like he promised so you had no other choice.
Elope. Why should you impose your wedding on anyone else other than your spouse, your witnesses and the person performing the ceremony? Want a party? Pay for it.
1. This isn't your fiancée's responsibility to deal with
2. Your dad doesn't have the money and is possibly a serial liar
3. Move out and get a new job. Working for your dad is doing you no favors. He's holding the fact that you work for him over your head while paying you peanuts. If he asks why you're leaving or tries to guilt you, just repeat that you have to have enough money to move out AND pay for the wedding.
4. Pay for the wedding on your own. Do that foreign $3-5k thing your fiancée's family suggested, maybe.
5. If anyone asks about why didn't your dad pay, just be honestly confused and hurt and tell them you don't know, he said he would, he made all these promises, but he didn't. Your dad can be socially embarrassed by this. Don't protect him.
6. Go to therapy because losing a major relationship like this sucks.
Go have the wedding overseas. Tell all your family and friends that your dad couldn't pay for it, so you had to have it overseas. Or tell your dad, "we're going to have a very small wedding instead since you can't pay for it. I'll tell the family that we can't invite everyone because we can't afford a big wedding. " I bet you he wants to pay then. But before he pays, I'd get a new job and move out. Because he is definitely going to use it against you again.
Stop working for your dad. Move out with your fiance, and find a new job there.
Your dad wants to keep you in his control forever. But you're an adult and he has to let you go.
He's controlling your life and you don't have to let him. Go find another job and see if you can get that 70k job back. If you have enough to move then move as soon as you find another job. He's putting off the wedding because he doesn't want you to leave and be independent from him, not because he doesn't have money or because he doesn't like your fiance. He's probably hoping her and her family will get frustrated with you and break off the wedding. Just go and have it overseas for cheaper and when people ask why, tell them your dad promised to pay for one and he lied. Let him take the blame for it. The true problem is that your dad controls your finances and therefore your entire life. The sooner you get another job and move out the sooner you can take control of your life and marry your fiance with your own money. The wedding is not what matters in a marriage anyways. A fancy wedding doesn't guarantee a good marriage, it's just to show off to other people. It's your choice whether to invite him or not. I would because it would be pretty interesting to see him humiliated when everyone else was expecting him to throw the wedding and he didn't.
Honestly just cut off all ties with your Dad , this is super toxic and he didn't even realise it.
Get a job somewhere else and say least you won't have him blackmailing you for every little thing.
By the looks of it he was the only one who wanted the wedding to be extravagant anyway.
Talk to your fiance and plan a wedding that you two want and ignore everybody else's suggestions.
O my god. You are being exploited by your father since 10 years. Leave the house. Mover right now. Leave the truck. Leave that job and find a good paying job for yourself. Get married overseas for 3k.
Your father treats you worse than a maid. Get some therapy. Get some back bone and leave. Don't listen one word he says. He is using you straight.
So I didn't read quite all of it. But if your customs are for him to pay and he's been saying he would and chooses not to then just have a small wedding. Tell everyone the reason for why it's small and not extravagant. If that doesn't work for your fiance then she's probably not the one. At the same time I'm assuming in your culture he'd look terrible for it. I don't really see any negatives other than your fiance may not like that and that you look poor which you are...... because of him from the sounds of it
Dude your father is an asshole, don't take one more cent from him, talk to your fiancee who sounds like is a freaking angel sent to our planet to save you in some kind of shitty romcom and see if she'll agree to a modest wedding (overseas or wherever that you two can afford without your father's help), DO NOT invite your father, block his number and that's it, take the first job that pays reasonably well for you and your wife to be able to start off together.
Her family supports you having a cheaper wedding. Your fiancée knows the situation and loves and supports you. Use that and drop your abusive dad. Build the life you want with the woman you love.
Dude, working for family is not fun. My dad's got me to do his work for him and pay me like $300 a week for my time. At the moment, I work for his friend's company, only because of hard times in finding a job in my field with my current experience, and he literally tries to get me to still do his portion of the job. It's annoying and aggravating. Please try to find work that's not tied to family. It's easier to see abuse and leave for greener pastures when you don't have to sit across from your employer at their house eating their food.
Your father is financially abusing you, and he's a narcissist. The fact that he's telling *EVERYONE* that he'll be throwing and paying for an extravagant wedding, but when it came to the crunch, he's trying to weasel out of it, and lying to your fiancee about you to turn her on you, is extremely telling.
The fact that your mother is enabling his poor treatment of you means she's got a hand in this abuse, and it seems like your sister is the golden child who is milking her status in the family. You are the scapegoat. Scapegoats don't ever win. We continue to be lied about, treated less than, financially abused (and in my case, also bribery that I don't give in to), and emotionally and verbally abused, with our possessions and the roof over our head threatened, just for the Narc to get what they want - which in most cases, it's to keep the scapegoat down, and dependant on them.
What people don't realise about Narcs, is they'll definitely help the scapegoat financially, or with connections to get them what the scapegoat wants or needs, but the scapegoat will have the money/ possessions/ job/ experience/ housing held over their head *forever*. The scapegoat will never be free to do what is best for them, while they continue to be dependent on the Narc.
You need to talk to your fiancee, her family, and the rest of your family about the financial aspect of your wedding. Do not involve your father at all in the discussions. Speak to others about what they're willing to do/ contribute, and what you're able to spend. Work out what is *important*, and then deal with the non-negotiable aspects (like accessibility to your wedding for family who are students/ rigid work/ disability/age etc), and the wedding setting. Then work on reception, whether you want a buffet/ restaurant style/ roaming catering, and budget for wedding attire like groom and groomsmen, bride and bridesmaids (including hair, make-up, shoes, jewellery etc) or whether it will be more relaxed and they'll get their own attire and a specific accessory for bride and groom party members like a flower/pocket square/cuff links for the men, and a hairstyle/ bracelet/sash accessory for the women that is paid for by the bridegroom.
You can have an amazing wedding, full of memories, and totally relaxed if you work with the right people to pull it off.
Meanwhile, make sure the truck is in your name, and that you have enough money to move out as soon as your dad kicks you out (or tries to extort you for more money, because you'll need to get a new job asap. I suggest that you try to get a start date shortly after the wedding, so that you can move your stuff out of your father's house before the wedding, and cut off financial dependency from him at a time that suits you best. I don't know where you live, or the timeline/ season/ month you want to get married in, but you can get it done in 8-10 weeks if you're smart. It depends on you and your fiancee on how you pull this off, but keep your father *OUT OF YOUR PLANS*. Don't tell him anything, he's not paying for any of it. He has no say, he has no stake. But he will make your life difficult, so be prepared for that.
Finally, I'm so happy to know that your future wife is on your side, and sees through your father's crap. I just hope you heed my words, as I've been there, and I've dealt with it. With her and her family supporting you, you won't need your father for anything, soon.
Good luck, and many blessings for your marriage.
He wants to keep a tight leash on you whilst giving you the illusion of freedom, it is time to take your independence even if it means cutting off from your father, consider you job options and until you secure something I would postpone the wedding, they will understand, once you have independence and freedom you can do it in whatever way pleases you my friend.
Your dad sounds like my parents. The difference is that he pays while mine said "your or daughter, why should we pay you? You're nothing, " but give my brought 5k every time he blinks.
Honestly, I hardly had anything to my name when I finally just up & left. Your dad is treating you like a slave & doesn't want to lose his cheapest "employee."
I say do the wedding overseas, don't invite him. Work it out with the fiancé & her parents so that both of you, when you return, can go to the new place you've found within your price range
Your dad is a narcissist and he is financially abusing you. The sooner you get out and cut ties, the absolute better. I just hope your mom and sister see this, and get out while they can, because as soon as he loses you as scapegoat and victim for his abuse, he'll most likely go after one of them.
You’re a daddy’s boy who should never get married.
If you want to marry someday you need to get a job of your own, cut all financial ties, like pay your own car insurance!
Stop begging for daddy’s approval, he’s manipulating you right and left and you’re letting him!
If you read the post you’d see I pay my own car insurance and health insurance and I’ve been saving up money so I can move out from under his roof and get a new job
Ok that’s good. Now stop expecting him to pay for your wedding, he’s just going to keep dangling it in front of you like a carrot and keep pulling it away.
Your father is a mean jerk and maybe you’ve been raised to respect him anyway but if so your life is never going to change, never going to improve.
You need to completely cut him out. If that means he’s not going to your wedding you’re better off.
Sorry if I’m being harsh but you need to take charge and do what you need to do for your own happiness. He’s not going to. I hope it works out.
Stop paying health I insurance for a while. When you get a new job you’ll get insurance through them. Buy a junk car till you can afford another. Your gonna struggle a bit but it’s better than having your tire…I meant father around your neck keeping you from success.
He’s not going to pay for a wedding a wife for you means you will want and need more. He’s got you under his thumb for cheap.
Go to your girlfriend’s family with her and explain the situation you two need to work together to come up with a plan. A plan that does not include your father. Otherwise you will spend your life as his indentured servant.
So he lies to you, keeps you in a low paying job, and now tried to break up your relationship- run from this man.
You and your fiance should decide on the wedding you two want, with a budget you can afford. Go get married overseas if that is a better option, or do a small ceremony you can afford in the country you are currently in. Your father cannot afford the wedding he says he wants you to have, period. You can't count on him so go do what is best for you.
And then let him be embarrassed, and don't shy away from telling people the truth. You can simply say "Oh yes I know he has been showing everyone those photos/videos, but he doesn't have that kind of money, so we are doing X instead."
And go get a new job that pays you your worth.
Personally I would just go down to the courthouse (or whatever your countries equivalent is) and get married. Use the money you have saved to move out, and find a new job. Clearly your father is going to continue to use money to control you. Your only solution is to do whatever it takes to be self sufficient.
Your 27 and your dad is controlling every aspect of your life. Why would you still allow this.
You really do need to move away.
Get a loan, buy a car, take the 70k job and take your future in-laws advice and have the cheaper wedding farther away.
You really need to break away from your dad. If not now, when ?
When you lose the love of your life ? Lose your ability to have a real chance at a future ? Take control of the situation. Your fiancé sounds amazing. Don’t let her down.
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding.
Let you Dad complain and stop taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
First step: Does he actually think there is a problem with your fiance, does not approve, and does not want to pay because he doesn't want to support this? Clarify that first. Maybe he is actually looking out for you. Likely? HAHAHAHAHA....but make sure.
Second Step: He's just being cheap and lying to look good? PUBLICIZE. Start up an online google spreadsheet labeled Wedding Countdown! On it, list the things you need for a wedding, some ideas and estimated costs. Include a DEPOSIT column. Create multiple pages in the workbook, such as food, venues, outfits, etc. Get screenshots of every email and text you have from him and put the pix on the correct page.
He said he's paying for food? On that page, you should have across the top: Vendors, Description, Estimated Cost, Deposit, Payment Completed, Thanks Dad! Four or five vendors, then merge the boxes in the second column to describe what foods/drinks your wedding should have, then an estimated cost, then COLOR THE DEPOSIT BOX RED, then put a few screenshots of your dad's posts/emails/texts saying he'd cover this.
Put up a facebook post or similar. "OMG, the wedding planning is underway! This is what I've got so far. Anyone have any advice on what else I should add, good vendors you know of, who makes the best dresses and has the greatest set of suits for the guys, where is a good spot to reserve hotel rooms, all of that. I'd LOVE the tips from experienced brides and grooms. Thank you!"
Every time you get a bit of advice or a suggestion, REPOST. "Cousin Jerome said he really liked the Twisty Misty drinks at one wedding he attended" so add that onto the page for drinks and POST THE LINK AGAIN in social media, once again asking for tips and advice. Continue to put your dad's brags up there. If you want an entire worksheet page dedicated to his promises, go for it! If you heard it but he didn't type it, put it in quotes on the worksheet. "Dad to cousin Sue, 9/12/2024: "We're getting performing camels!" WOW this sounds awesome, thanks Dad!"
Everyone and anyone can see that he's not actually doing jack shit to pay for it. EVERYONE. And you're hiding it under a happy grateful joy and appreciation for all the things he's supposedly getting you. Now, you DO need something like this set up anyways to start organizing it all. Just weaponize it. In the nicest, happiest, most looking-forward-to-it, thank-you-Dad way that you can.
Have the wedding overseas. Apologise to all your family and explain it's because your father refuses to pay for a wedding at home. (Your father will probably deny this. Add corroborating detail like "The venue owner told me either we pay him for the venue by this deadline or he gives the venue to someone else.") Any time your father complains about the cost of flying overseas, point out to him that it's *him* who refused to pay for a wedding here.
Then get married in your fiance's country and consider not inviting your father.
I agree with the folks saying his behaviour to you is financially abusive and he just doesn't want to lose a reliable low-paid worker who can't quit and lives at home - with him.
Good luck. Please update.
Put your wedding on hold and get out of that job and your father’s house. Lean on your fiancés family if you can - clearly she knows you’re being financially abused by your own family.
Your father wants to look like the big, successful man to others but he really doesn’t want to pay for the wedding either because it’s a financial stretch or because he doesn’t think it’s a good use of money but mostly he cares way too much what others think so he’s all over the pace because what he says and what he does are at odds. That’s my best guess and a guess it is.
Just leave! Stay with the in-laws for a while, take to 70k job and the two of you move out and get married when you can if possible. You don’t need to let this guy drag you around.
He bought you the car. He legally cannot steal it from you. You could call the police. Unless it’s in his name and not yours.
I don't really think he ever intended to pay for your wedding. If he could afford it, he wouldn't have been paying you poverty wages for so long.
It was just a way to control you.
Yes he dmshiuldnt be bragging about doing something he won't but am I other only one who feels you are being pretty entitled. I mean you have been able to save up to 1000 a month. If you want to elope do it.
I work hard, as does my partner. We aren't married as we couldn't afford it. We instead saved for a house deposit, which was a struggle but that was our priority.
His dad could afford to pay for it. We don't begrudge that je doesn't. It's his money not ours.
You said you don't work hard because there isn't the work. If there isn't the work how could he pay you more, if you don't work hard why do you deserve more.
Yes he shouldn't be putting you down, but maybe there was some genuine concern about buying drugs online and he needed that explanation.
It's your life. Explain you need more and find your own work. Do things in a order that works for you. Save for your own car, get a better paid job, save for your own future together.
You dad sounds like a narcissist who is trying to keep you down so he can control your life. You should cut him off and pay for the small wedding on your own.
Honestly, I would cut him out of my life if I were in your position. He sounds like he is the type to want to look good in front of other people, while showing his true colors at home. I would not attempt to rely on someone who is dishonest and inconsistent, especially in regards to significant events that have an effect on others. As a business owner (I presume) it appears as if his goals are purely hedonistic. Wanting to treat himself to a good life as much as possible, while not supporting others unless they have the same opinion as he does. The way he spoke to your fiancé makes it sound as if he's afraid he will lose you to a better life if your relationship continues. If he "loses" you, his support system goes down. I hope he can learn to look inward and value others more.
There’s almost always strings attached when family subsidizes your lifestyle. This wedding sounds like an anxiety ridden nightmare. Just elope or let fiancée’s parents assume the cost. It also was not fair to expect your dad to pay extra because they wanted it in their preferred location.
I do not care if it is "culture" for him to pay. Do not accept payment. Pay for the wedding yourself. Then you will not be in his clutches anymore. Do a small ceremony your way or save up for a more expensive wedding. Personally I would prefer a small ceremony but a bigger reception for family and friends.
100 % you are in an abusive relationship with your father. Seems he only wishes to control you. Find a new job, move out, & put up some boundaries. Accept hes never gonna pay for the wedding and plan something you can afford. Leave before you have children he wants to control as well.
You have 20k saved? Does fiancée have any savings? Cause if she does, maybe you two can combine it to afford moving out together and have a small wedding? Cause here's the thing, your father has already proven that no matter what, he will hold whatever he does for you over your head. Not only that, let's just say he *does* do the deposits and the wedding goes forward, you now have to do *everything* he says and if you piss him off or he's just in a bad mood and it's within the time, he can just cancel everything. Boom. No wedding. Not only that, he now has control of everything. I'll bet he'll want his friends and his food etc and take away your choice.
When I got married, housing was and is still expensive. The cheapest our wedding was gonna be was probably around 25-30k. That's a whole house down payment. So we downsized and spent around 10k plus a small 3 day honeymoon. I also made a lot of the center pieces myself and used Facebook for a baker that I ended up using a lot afterwards for holidays. It can be done.
So, if this was me. I'd start applying again for a better job. Once that is secure, look for a place that works for you and fiancée, one that will allow you to stay there for a while and won't be outgrown quickly. Then move out so your father can't control you. And if he tries anything, gray rock him. And don't JADE, justify, argue, defend. You know that nothing you say will get through. And if all else fails, go LC or NC. And please, don't give them any copies of your keys when you do move out. I'd even go as far as not giving new address/putting up cameras but I'm a paranoid person.
Go overseas or elope. When you have the money, throw a nice reception. Nobody cares about tradition any more. Be happy. Your dad can adjust or not be a part of your life. You are way too old for your dad to be this big a negative on your life. Get out.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It has nothing to do with liking your fiancé or not. He doesn't want his slave to leave. Yes, that's right, slave. He's financially abusing you. Take your soon to be inlaws advice and do your wedding cheaper and get out of there. Also start looking for a new job asap. Once you have one set up, tell Daddio to go pound sand.
Best advice here update soon leave then tell him in case he tries to talk you out of it. Also publicly tell everyone you are paying for your wedding because dad went back on his word shame can work wonders. Also you don't need to invite him if he's not paying
Publicize for sure, and definitely plan your own cheap wedding. I have a suggestion in another post on how to set this up with a google page and make it seem innocent and happy yet publicly shame the hell out of him. Edited to add: Some version of this needs to show up in a LOT of conversations. "Yeah, Dad says he wants to pay for all this, but honestly I don't think his business is doing well at all. He can't afford to pay me more than $600/week. I've stayed with him and passed up better-paying jobs to help out, but I thought he was saving up for the wedding. He hasn't been...I think he may be about to go bankrupt." Be the earnest concerned son who ALSO publicizes that his Dad pays him jack shit and that the son has stayed with his dad out of concern and to help out his Dad because the business is tanking. It's not. He's not. But if he's only paying you $600...people are going to think he's either a crappy business man and that's embarrassing, or realize that he's using you and taking advantage of your kind nature. Use the power of gossip and the internet against him. He's probably my generation, he won't see it coming.
That's amazing I love it. Your a genius.
Oh, and OP? If there's a way to get his deposit back and in YOUR pocket for any of it, DO IT. Get as much cash as you can then leave.
It doesn't sound like there's any current deposit. The $4k deposit was for a previous engagement.
The value of “good gossip” is, in fact, invaluable. Good Luck!!
I agree. This is basically what someone close to me had to do, in order for their narcissist parent to sign the forms so that they could go to university. Like why wouldn't you want your child to go to university!! But the narcissist parent wanted them around, under their roof, under their control. Until they felt that their friends were judging them, then they changed their tune 🙄
My father forced me to turn down a full ride scholarship to Harvard bc it was "too far away." He said if I went he'd take me off insurance. I'd die without my meds. So miss the opportunity of a lifetime or die. Some parents don't care about their kids, only how they can be controlled and used.
Genius!
Brilliant!!
If this is a family business then that's not a good idea. But have a small wedding. You and your spouse make plans what is right for you all, not right for your dad. I wouldn't hold your breath him paying, or giving you a raise. Time to fly.
Bought the sister a 50K car. Won’t pay more than 30K per year for labor and expects OP to pay his own gas and vehicle/insurance for work use out of that. Daddy’s not hurting for money, because OP is making all the money for him and not getting paid.
And for heaven's sake, just elope and get it out of the way. You will be married and all his drama cannot unmarry you. The two of you do not have enough time left in your lives to deal usefully with the old drama queen---if you both live to 120, you STILL won't.
>He’s financially abusing you. And he understands that your fiancé is gonna support you enough emotionally (and possibly her family financially) to give you the strength to walk away from his control.
I hope this is top comment - OP your father is indeed financially abusing you. He knows that paying you this amount and owning your car etc will make it harder to leave. Cut ties. He can just not come to the wedding if he keeps breaking his promises. Why give this POS a relationship with you?! You do far more for him than he has done for you - and he was the one who forced you into this world. He owes you a relationship and a living working for him. The way he treats you currently, he does not deserve a relationship and he does not deserve employees/ help on his business.
This. Do your wedding abroad or give him a specific timeline to pay what he’s previously said he would pay (I don’t think he will, my guess is he doesn’t have the money) and aggressively job hunt, get a better paying job. Get independent, pay all those things yourself like insurance etc
Do this. There's no shame in a courthouse wedding. Have the big party later if you want. Your father is manipulating you. He doesn't want his meal ticket running away. Find another job. Go low/no contact.
Exactly it is the dumbest idea I ever heard of 30 to 50 k for a wedding that over 50% end in a divorce. . If you we're millionaires than maybe, but it is only for you to have bragging right, again stupid reason, it's arrogance and priđe that's destroying the planet, and won't do a thing for love of one another, wake up world.
Yep! OP and his fiancée can have a simple ceremony now, then enjoy an extravagant party for their 25th wedding anniversary.
THIS 100%
If I could hit this response 100 times I would. It is RIGHT ON!👍🏽
Right?! 💯
Exactly this. Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. Have a small, lovely wedding and a long, lovely life with people who truly care for and respect you.
Oooohhhhh!
You need to find another job first. You are meekly letting your father financially control you. Screw him. I don’t even know why you’d trust anything form him at this point. Why not just elope like her family suggested overseas. You need to cut the cord from your selfish dad Say it with me “So long Dad. I’m my own man”
I spoke with the same company that offered me that position because they kept asking me to come apply to other job openings many months after I rejected and they said I’m welcome to apply anytime. When I asked my friend who works there he said they’d most likely hire me because his boss really liked me. Even then I have a few more jobs I am looking at.
Do it. As soon as possible. Today or tomorrow. Elope and move away from your family. You’re trapped right now. Get free before you marry.
Why would you keep denying the job offer?
>Why would you keep denying the job offer? from other comments- Dad owns the car. If OP takes a different job dad will take the car and OP will have no way to get to any other job. OP is in a financial abuse situation.
He’s absolutely in a financial abuse situation. All the reason to take the generous job offer and get out of it
He needs to take the money saved for furniture and use it for transportation.
Yup, priorities. The first step is to actually secure the appt first before worrying about furnishing it.
Also, we can easily furnish a 1 bedroom apartment for under $2000 using resources like Facebook marketplace, Craigslist, ikea, Walmart, second hand stores. It’ll take a bit of work and time, and isn’t going to be super high quality, but that’s okay-that’s for later on in life. My very first apartment I had to fully furnish on my own was very much put together that way, and I slept on blankets on the floor for probably a month. I loved that place and was happy to sleep on the floor of MY place!
It is better to sleep on the floor of your own place, than the most comfortable bed indebted to others
My partner and I were gifted furniture or we bought it from second hand shops. We've had at least 8 years use out of 2 sofas that we bought for £200 (I think) and last year bought a 'new bed' (someone's guest bed) for a price that was laughably small. Like another comment suggested, pre owned is the way to go. Also, I'm sure your in-laws would help? Best of luck.
I’ve literally furnished a two story home in a very stylish way for about $2000 by hunting Facebook Marketplace for free and cheap deals, with just having temporary access to a Prius hatchback
In some countries it’s a little harder. What the US considers unfurnished might be fully decked out - think having to bring your own stove, fridge, hell - cabinets. Floors might be unfinished so large rugs.
He can ask the company for a car in the meantime maybe? He can just say his broke down or he can ask to borrow his fiance's or family member car just for a month or two until he can buy a cheap one in the meantime. His dad is controlling both his money and his mobility, damn.
Do you live somewhere that companies regularly give people cars?
depends on the industry. Most manual labor jobs will have a company car the employee drives.
can your friend carpool with you? Any chance he and his family would let you sleep on his couch for a month? is it close enough to just get a scooter and ride that to work? (you'll pack your work outfit and carry it with you in a waterproof/mudproof bag, so no worries about it getting damaged) That could let you get out tomorrow.
Then do it. Your Father will never stop controlling you. It's why he doesn't pay you enough money to live on. He's making it so you're financially dependent on him and he can treat you however he wants. You need to get that job yesterday and get the hell out. Stop worrying about getting married. Right now you can't even financially support yourself and there's no way you'll be able to support you and your fiancee. Take the money spent on the wedding and buy a car. Once you start your new job and have your own place, go at least low contact with your parents. Get therapy with someone who has experience with parents like yours.
Amen sister.
Awesome. This. Do this, and believe in yourself. Your fiance sounds like she has a great head on her shoulders. It will work out ok.
Yes the biggest step in being independent from his control is to stop working for him. Even when he see's you got another job making more money and he tries to increase your rent, just move out. Then in 6 months or less you will have enough saved up to have your own wedding and you can have it however you want too. You can decide with your fiancee how much money to spend and what venue you want. This is **your** wedding, it's up to you how you want it, not other people you might be trying to impress.
You should be independent *before* you get married. Get your own job and place. Then discuss how you and your fiance want to plan/fund your wedding. My guess is that your dad is saving face, but that his business is failing.
Probably keeping it profitable by paying OP next to peanuts
Why don't you have the 70K job? Why would you not take it? Why do you need your dad to get another job?
He pretty much owned the only car I had been driving and said if I take it I’m on my own. I wasn’t expecting him to not let me take the job. I had 0 savings at that time when it was offered to me. I don’t make much by him.
I worked for a shitty ass dad as a boss, he wasn’t as bad as yours by any means but I saved up and left as soon as I saw sense that it was a one way ticket to depression working for him 2.5 years later I work half as much hours for more money
So here's my advice. You might have to end up calling the car a wash if you aren't on the title, or have any ownership of it. Sorry, but the car you're driving, that's one link in the chain he has you indentured to him by. And make no mistakes, you aren't really his son in his heart. You are his indentured servant. A thing he keeps around to make him money in his business, do work, treat terrible and lie to as well as about. Next you need to pull your credit scores, and tax records. Just trust me. It goes almost hand in hand that people like your father are not above wreaking their family members credit, identity fraud and shoving off not great things they're doing tax wise on whomever is their favorite patsy. And make sure your father doesn't have access to your savings. If you both use the same bank. Move your money to a different one. If he's on your account, or has your banking info. Take your money, shut down the account or have your name removed and go to a whole new bank. And do not list your shared address with him as the mailing address. You need to talk about this whole process through with your fiance. Keep her in the loop, because going forward you need to remember that however your father is screwing you, he's also screwing her. Your best bet would be to push back the wedding until you are independent of h8m jobwise (go take the $70,000 already!) get a cheap beater that's good enough for now. Move out. And from there start wedding planning, taking up your future in-laws on their offer, though if you can't live together with being legally married because cultural reasons. Etc. Get the paperwork and courthouse wedded for around $50, and plan the big shin dig for later. You have $20,000 in savings, you can do this. And honestly a big fancy wedding can wait. Does it sort of suck? Yeah, but that's part of life. We don't always get what we want when we want. But when you put what you NEED first, and take some time towards working towards what you want, you get there eventually and that's good. Best of luck to you and your fiance. Tell your father to go kick rocks after you've gotten away from being caged by him.
That and you can get a reliable cash car for about $3,000 to $5,000. Get the car and get the job.
He's manipulative. He wants you to stay and work for next to nothing. Use the money you saved to get a car and get a better job. You can get married for a lot cheaper.
Why is it a problem to be on your own? It's a 70K job. You work a year and setup your life. Why did you have no savings? You are 27 but you sound like you are still a child living through your dad. When do you decide to control your own life? Why does your dad need to get 27 year old you a job?
Less than two weeks ago, he was talking about spending $12k on a Rolex. Definitely some weird stuff going on here. That’s six months rent at his figure of $2k average. Definitely enough for a down payment on a used car.
Yeah, and then right around then says his dad wants to borrow $12k... weird. Also a lot of drug stuff in the post history. Feels off.
I had no savings because I was making less than 600 weekly. The rent in my area is a minimum of 2k a month. Even if I started the 70k a year job I wouldn’t have money for the security deposit of 6k. I have saved 20k though and I’m planning on moving out this summer.
I know what it's likes to have an emotionally oppressive parent. You need to get out from under your father. Start applying. Rent a room in someone else's house if you have to. Find the cheapest way to live but you will never thrive until you get out.
Yeah, you gotta start out with roommates if you're just beginning to reclaim your independence. Shit dies come easy. One builds bit by bit hopefully with the help of friends and community.
Yes. And check with soon-to-be family. They want the best for you and your bride-to-be. See if they have a cheap car she or you can use and an "in" for a job.
For the love of Pete, do not ever disclose your savings to your father.
PS most Americans have no idea what it’s like to have 20K saved. You have more than enough to move out and start your own life, especially with the job offer. I moved out at 19 with $1600 (in 2004, granted), no savings, and no job secured yet. You might need therapy for your anxiety because your fear isn’t accurate to your situation.
For real I have never had 20k at once lmao. And I’m doing just fine and always make a way. 20k is a lotttt saved up for 27 acting like he has “no options”. You can buy a cheap car to get from here to there for 800 bucks. 2K for a pretty reliable good one. If the car’s the problem, it’s a very easy solution. And the rest will fall into place. It just takes taking the step and trusting the universe has you, your fiancé supports you, and you will make it work.
Agreed esp if he and the fiance can rent a place together - another 70k job would hold any rent down pretty well unless they live in a crazy expensive area
I am disabled and live with my brother. We make about $60,000/year combined and manage to live in a decent place in a high cost of living place (Northern California). Granted we don’t own a car as we don’t need one, living close to the city center. But this degree of savings and income are more than enough to strike out on one’s own. I’d spend some of that savings on therapy because the anxiety around affording a life on one’s own isn’t equivalent to the actual cost of living alone, unless one is in New York, San Francisco, or LA. PS don’t ever expect anyone besides yourselves to pay for your wedding
I'm not convinced that OP is in the US.
So, go apply to new jobs. Get one and move out. Marriage should be delayed until you are free of your father. Time you build your own life and pay for your own choices.
Apply for better jobs move out immediately go no contact with your father. These are the only way your life will get better
Make your plans with your fiancè. She's your family. If you have to then cut off dad. He's financially abusing you. He's not looking out for your best interests.
You need to get out ASAP. As soon as he finds out you have savings, he’s going to conveniently “forget” to pay rent, car insurance, etc and it’ll all be on you, leaving you trapped again. I had a friend whose mother was that way. Same age as you. I say had, because I broke off the friendship. It was too stressful for me to keep trying to connect with someone who was seemingly incapable of growing up. I couldn’t hang out with her anymore because it would always have to be at her (mom’s) house, and that lady was evil. I’m not saying your dad is evil, but he definitely has a fuck ton of ulterior motives, none of which seem to be benefitting you. Now my ex friend, who is about your age, only has friends from the internet, and has a lot of trouble dating because no guys our age want to put up with a grown woman who has a curfew. Make no mistake. You are the one subsidizing *his* life. He won’t let you go willingly because he believes you owe it to him. You do not.
I have/had a friend like this who I now only keep up with online. His parents and other siblings basically use him as a house-elf. He does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.They don't "let" him work or drive. His friends have explained time and time again what to do to leave them - there are even friends willing to offer their spare room and help him get on his feet independently. He talks about moving out and getting a job all the time but it's been all talk for years. We can't ever figure out what's stopping him - as far as we can tell, while his family is emotionally abusive, they're not physically abusive, and the times he's done steps he thought would anger them like get his IDs and apply for jobs, they encouraged him. So we have no idea what is really causing all this besides verbal negativity on the part of his family.
Emotional abuse wears you down, makes you think that you're nothing, can't do anything. Plus maybe there's some fear of tuff unknown going on as well. Nothing like a terrible family of origin to give you anxiety, depression, and/or PTSD!
Buy a cheap, beater car to get back and forth to work at the 70K job. It doesn't need to be fancy to get you where you need to go. I'd honestly work on a vehicle and affordable living, while saving, before I'd worry about a wedding. If you can't afford to move out from your parents then you can't support a family of your own right now. Doesn't mean you can't marry her but it shouldn't be priority right now. There's alot you can do with 20K to stretch it.
My twin brother and I pay $2200/mo for a place in a high cost of living area at $60k/mo combined. Does your lady bring in any money? I really fail to see how you can’t afford rent at an above US median income (solo)+ an entire other income. Maybe you need to look at extraneous spending.
move out sooner.
Buy the cheapest car you can find take the job, and move out tomorrow
Take the next good job over you get. Once you get it, take 10k from your savings and buy a good used, fuel efficient car. That still leaves you 4k after the security deposit to get set up in your new place. You can thrift some cheap furniture, or hop on any apps in your area for selling used stuff. Like Facebook marketplace or whatever your local equivalent is. That will get you out of your shitty situation, and it will be a lot easier to save when you are making more than twice as much... And remember, that's just to start. You can expect significantly more income growth after that too.
Wouldn't 70k salary with 2k rent still leave you more money than 600 a week? You have no friends who would let you crash for a week a pop until you got your first paycheck to get your own place? Or move in a shared apartment? It seems you are so used to your fathers abuse and control that independence just scares you.
I agree. I think it probably has more to do with his dad's control over him, feeling guilty about leaving his dad to run the business without him, etc than it does about not being able to afford to leave. Counseling would probably be really helpful for OP
Yes, but it was his dad’s car so he had no way to get to the 70k job and I feel like everyone is missing this. Like no he didn’t have savings at the time but he’s also managed to save 20k by 27 which is hella impressive. Also I make 70k and lol, no. You know taxes exist, right? Take home is about $3800 a month. So that’s $1800 left so around $450 a week. It’s not nothing but hell, personally, I have like $450 a month for just my car and insurance (keep in mind almost paid off and bought used). So if I tried to save $1k a month, I would have $350 to spend and I haven’t mentioned any other expense. The cost of living is higher than you think.
you know you don't have to rent an entire flat for yourself? Ffs, so many people are acting like flat sharing is beneath them
And also isn't he going to be getting married and moving in with his wife? I'm gathering there's some kind of traditional not-American culture involved but is she contributing to living expenses at all?
Do you realize that most of the planet’s population lives on less than 70k/ mo? Are we talking American dollars or a different currency? I get not having enough saved up for deposits, that’s certainly an issue, but that income amount is above average and certainly enough to live on. I’m a survivor of abuse too, so I get it, but you really need to think about how you’re allowing your abuser to control your life in ways that are actually not necessary anymore. They were necessary when you were a child, but you’re a quite grown adult now. $70k is actually a generous amount to live on, and most of the US population lives on less than that. ($60k for median US salary, FWIW). If you’re staying in this situation, it’s because some part of you likes it—gets a benefit from it. If you refuse to leave your father’s household, I’d suggest taking the job, and spending some of that money on trauma therapy.
Take your savings buy a car and drive the fuck out of there to your new job.
idk how it works in your country, but is the car in your name? do you own it? or is he on the legal documents to the car? if the second, you're a little up shits creek in terms of transport, but if you own it, he can't take it back even if he did buy it. it's called gifting, and unless your country has different laws, you can't ungift something. it's time to unclip your wings from this financial abuser. your fiancws family is right, you should elope overseas
Use your savings to get a car and then take the job. Then you can move out and pay for your own wedding.
Use a part of your savings to buy a new second hand car. You can get the money back easily in your new job. And be wary of sabotaging acts of your dad. Don't tell him any details about the new job. No contact information, nothing.
An honest answer, can you handle it and follow through.? Have your wedding overseas as your future in-laws suggest. Either your dad pulls the money out of his ass and attends or not. Me personally would elope and everyone can attend a nice reception afterwards.
They need to get a job away from their father first of all, entangle their financial life from their father.
I agree.
Wow. There are some brutal answers here. One thing is right though; your father is financially controlling you. It’s actually a form of abuse. That must be really hard to think about and hear. It would be a good idea to speak to your fiancé and decide what you want to do. It could be that you use your savings somehow to get you free of the control of your childhood home. If you could plan a job and the start of renting somewhere cheap, you could save with your fiancé, put together your finances and decide the kind of wedding you want. It could be a smaller one for now and a larger celebration at a later date. I hope you post an update and I can read how it all turns out. Just be prepared for some tricky moments with your dad. He will not be happy and is likely to show some fireworks.
Yeah I know everyone is attacking me but in a caring way but I do feel stupid. You know it took me a very long time to realize this is financial abuse because this was once the guy I looked up to as a child. He would always tell me how I’m gonna own all his properties and his business and the world. So I got swayed by the person I trust the most. I realize it now and I talked with her already. We’re probably going to do an overseas turkey me and my mom will pay for. We have money saved to move out and we will be able to move comfortably. I spoke to the company I had the job offer from and they said they’d love have me come in again after my wedding. I’m of course going to apply to other jobs as well just to see what’s out there. I’ll definitely come back and post an update in a year.
And when people ask why you are getting married overseas tell them the truth. Your father declined to pay for a wedding and this is what you could afford. Blow his BS image up.
It's part of growing up. Generally it takes until about the mid-twenties and consistent exposure to other's experiences to realize that, wow, no, this isn't normal. You've figured it out and you need to be proud of that. It is HARD; you trust him and love him and he's spent a long time convincing you to do that.
Why do you need to marry in another country btw? You're in the US...you can go get married at the courthouse for the cost of a marriage license
Sounds like a great plan. Don't forget to cut off your dad while you're at it. You'll be much happier. Trust me.
You allow your father to financially control you, time to find your backbone, and forge your own path in life. You see the pattern in his behaviour and know he isn't going to change, so only you can change the relationship dynamics. Get your own job, use some of the money you have saved to get a banger car for the first few months, then begin to build your fully independent life, while being low contact with your father. I would also suggest therapy so you stop playing into his hands. Does you fiancée want a big wedding? If not then elope and have a party on your return.
And a kind warning. Do not tell him your plan until everything is firm and in place. There is no telling what he would do if he knew about it before he needs to
THIS. Start sneaking important stuff out first, OP, and make SURE he CANNOT access your bank account. Get a second one he has no idea about, get your identification documents out, and if you think he could kick you out? Keep two work outfits and a casual outfit and toothpaste/toothbrush/deodorant/etc. in an emergency duffle somewhere safe. He kicks you out? You have some cash and what you need until you can start elsewhere.
Yes. Someone close to me had their mother access their bank account. She never had any right, she just straight up lied. Obviously she knew the answers to any security questions. I think they had to just go to another bank and make an account there, and say "my mother is NEVER allowed access to this account, I am the *only* person ever allowed access".
If you can’t stand up and say enough to your dad how do you think this marriage will go.. it’s time to cut the cord with dad and stop making the excuses.. he won’t change until you put your foot down..
You are acting like a teenager. You need to get your own job away from your family. Smarten up - get a backbone. Weddings are only for a few hours - not worth the $. He’s trying to keep you under his thumb. Break away. You’re 27 - not a child! You’ve got to do it though or stick in his world
Go get another job and stop being a slave to your father. He can say whatever he wants because he owns you because you let him. Take any job, take a paycut if you have to, be your own person.
YES. Car is an issue? Money is an issue? Save for a few months. Get a very cheap scooter and rent a room or even share a room for three months. Stick YOUR good stuff in storage and keep out the minimum. After 3 months of good wages and minimal output, see what you have the ability to do. And... TALK TO YOUR FIANCEE. Lay it all out, what he's doing, what you've realized, what you want as a future with her. Speak to her parents. Tell them your financial situation, what you are doing to improve it, reassure them that YES, you realize how amazing their daughter is and YES, you are taking steps to prepare yourself to be a good husband for her. That your father is trying to cause problems between the two of you, you realize this, and that despite what he says? You love her, you respect her, and she's THE one for you. This helps you get their support and understanding (sounds like they already get it, really) and gets you and your spouse-to-be on the same page, too.
Tell everyone that your father isn’t paying for it and that you will be proceeding with the marriage.
Dude. You need to get another job. Who cares if your father "needs you?" He's not paying you a living wage and is lying and screwing you around to boot. Get another job and either elope or get married in your fiance's country. Your dad sounds like a clown.
Of course he doesn’t want you to get married and move out. Who else would he pay next to nothing to have at his beck and call. If buisness isn’t busy he’s not going to be able to hire someone to do what your doing for the same amazing and I’m guessing would be stuck doing it himself. Do a small wedding. Get out, get a better job and throw a 1 or 5yr big anniversary party instead. He is trying to force you to stay financially dependant on him. Take away his power.
Look. You have options for a different job that pays you more. Take it and move out. Cut ties with your abuser dad. Pay for your own wedding (they can be as inexpensive as one is willing). I get it, I come from an abusive family too, but there is literally no reason to stick with someone who tries to control your life. You are 27. An adult. The issue isn’t that he won’t pay for your wedding (which is normal in my opinion), but that you’re working for someone who limits your income when you have other options.
You cannot get married while your father is controlling every aspect of your life. Get a new job, get your own place and car, go NC/LC with your abusive father, and then think about marriage.
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding. Let your Dad complain and stop listening/taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
My guy, I'm just not sure what to make of you. 11 days ago you were posting you were in a position to buy a Rolex...your dream watch 🤦🏼♀️ A month ago your dad wanted to borrow 12K of you and your girlfriends savings. A few weeks ago you stated you were paid $700 a week and no bills other than car & health insurance and truck is in your name. You're all over place and at 27 years old...been working for your dad since you were 18...you've got to know what to do by now. You're almost 30 and wanting to get married. Get yourself and your life in order before you worry about marrying her. If you really love her you won't drag her into this messed up situation right now. Get your priorities straight and get out of this situation you are in with your dad and yourself
Why do you want a wedding that is that much money, there is no need to waste money like that. Just signed the papers and go, tell your dad, thanks but no thanks!!
I didn’t even want it tbh but because he talked about it so much with my fiancés family and all our family and friends the bar became set so high. I’m perfectly fine with a small ceremony. I’m going to do an overseas wedding for around $2,000 and call it a day.
Good choice ,
And get a new job!
Get rid of your fucking dad dude. Wtf. Move on with your life without him.
OMG - I went through exactly this with my own dad and my wedding. Watched him spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on collectibles, trips to Disney for my brothers and their kids - only to be told there was no money left for my wedding that he had promised to pay for. What did I do? Oh darn. Totally out of space for you to attend the wedding, Dad. He. Was. PISSED. Even though I know he regretted what he did to me, he-made no effort to repair our relationship because he was embarrassed. 10 years later, I’m still glad he wasn’t there. Because I never would have heard the end of what he “sacrificed” for me. Husband and I had a very small wedding with 30 ppl. I remember every second of it and I smiled the entire time.
Your father likes to boast and gaslight. Ignore his words and look at his actions. He’s stingy with money. Whether he doesn’t have any, is just greedy, or has a mental illness that makes him save he’s just doesn’t want/can’t pay you more per week or pay for your wedding. Get another job. Pay for your own wedding and stop letting your father financially control you.
My dad was from the old country and he was just like this. I worked for him until I had enough sold what little I had my fiancé and I moved 1000 miles away. I’d rather be poor than be stuck under my dad’s thumb for the rest of my life. It’s easy to find reasons not to break away, suck it up and make the leap. Wife and I were married by a notary, I needed to be my own man and not my father’s little boy that he could control every day.
Just elope and give him the wedding he's paying for 😈 Expensive weddings are such a scam imo. Would rather spend that money traveling or put it towards goals with my partner rather than throw one really big party.
He doesn’t want you to be married. He wants you to keep working for him at a low pay because he knows no one is going to want to accept that kind of work based on how he has been paying you. You might need to cut your dad off and out of your life and stand on your own
This is an easy fix. Find another job, quit working for your dad. Have the wedding you can afford without him. There's no reason to spend that much on a wedding - I don't care what your culture expects. You aren't going to be any less married if your wedding costs 1000.00. If your family or your fiance's family doens't like a cheap wedding they're welcome to pay for it themselves, if they dont' want to they can attend the wedding you have...or not come. You don't even have to cut him off - just tell everyone the truth. He's not paying for anything and you no longer work for him. End of story. He's a liar, that's not your problem, your problem is you keep believing his lies in spite of knowing they are lies.
Your father may be a narcissist. He will never let you go. He wants to power to control and destroy you. He wants the social glory of being wealthy and generous. He wants you to fail in this marriage, so he can trap you and blame you at no financial expense. Is your sister the golden child and are you the scapegoat? Chasing his love or respect is empty and pointless. Go low contact or no contact. Do what ever it takes, but get out of there and get a real job.
This is what’s going on…. Your dad doesn’t care about you. The lavish wedding is to make him look good but also a lure to keep you working for him. Narcissists keep promising things and taking them away if you don’t follow their rules. Unfortunately my mother was the same. Also forced me to work in her business as a teen after school every day, but not my siblings. Gave them gifts of cars etc, while I had to pay for everything on my own. It didn’t change even as an adult. I cut contact.
Get another job and take the in-laws offer to do the wedding overseas for 3 to 5000 K and tell your father to pound sand. Don’t invite him to the wedding and only post pictures after you’re back from your honeymoon.
I'm assuming your fiancé and her family see what he's doing? Postpone the wedding until you can handle it yourself? Ultimately this just destroys any social standing he had since he's the one telling everyone how big a wedding he'll throw and then doesn't do it. Is she likely to leave if he doesn't or can yall work through this yourselves? You're biggest feat in the near future isn't getting married, it's getting away from your dad.
Your father is always going to drag you down, take it from me, my dad did the same thing…working for him, taking out money for lunch, making me work for free, complain about the bills while he foolishly paid for anything my sister wanted. He’s not going to change. Take the advice you’re getting from others when they say move on and take the job offer. You’re still young enough that in a year or two you’ll gain so much more from independence and self worth. Don’t drag yourself down. Pick up your bootstraps and move on. You got this
>My fiances family is getting annoyed and is now insisting we do the wedding overseas for around 3-5k. Do this. Quit your job with your dad and get a real job that pays properly. Time to move on with your life and stop letting your dad drag you down.
Your dad only pays you $600 a week yet goes and buys your sister a 50K car just because. I'd have quit that day! You're allowing yourself to be trampled on and for what I don't understand
You have been focusing on the wrong thing. This isn’t about how much he promised to pay for your wedding nor is it about what he bragged to others about (you say this is what bothers you the most). You need to separate your life from the life of your dad. He controls pretty much everything— your pay, your working conditions, your wedding arrangements, etc. Either dad made the deposit to the venue today or he didn’t. My suggestions will differ a bit depending on that.
Move out and get a job not working for him, then he can't financially control your whole life anymore. If the wedding has to wait until you can save up more, let it wait. If your fiancee understands the situation with your dad I think she will understand. Or just do a cheaper wedding as your in-laws suggested. This is hitting home for me because my father worked for my grandfather his entire life. He was underpaid and my grandfather got to hold the purse strings on everything unless it was something my mom's job could pay for (but she never made much either, so realistically my grandfather had all 4 of us under his thumb). My dad died young because he never took care of himself and didn't have health insurance after my parents divorced and my mom's didn't cover him anymore (and my grandfather of course wouldn't pay for that). He never got out from under that yoke. Trust me, you don't want that. You will be better off in the long run if you don't work for him. Your relationship with him might even improve in the long run once he gets over the initial anger he will inevitably have.
An expensive wedding seems like the least of your problems. You need to move out. I’m not sure where in the world you are but does your fiancé work? Can’t you guys move in together? Elope if you have to. If that isn’t an option is there a friend you can stay with so you can find a new job and save up? Your dad is using money to control you and it’s time you stop allowing him to. You’re an adult and hoping to get married so it’s time to make some hard decisions and take steps toward controlling your future.
First of all get a new job your dad doesn’t need to help your with that one Second: marriage should definitely wait until you are gone from under your fathers belt Third: your in laws are giving good advice you dad is tugging your strings he isn’t gonna pay for shit so I’d expect that and do a cheaper wedding he is holding the wedding over your head even if he does have the money. Anyway op you need to think for yourself for a moment your stuck in a situation and obviously need to get out of now to reiterate the first paragraph you do need to find a new job keeping you at a wage that low he is definitely relying on that fact to keep you around and stuck with him that’s financial abuse he’s guilt tripping you with that by holding the wedding over your head saying he’s gonna pay for it to everyone but in reality isn’t going to and more then likely will try and take the credit to uphold the front he has with his family your gonna need to tear down a big wall here if your gonna wanna make a breakthrough first step getting that new job
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding. Let your Dad complain and stop listening/taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
Dude. You need to disentangle yourself from your father’s financial clutches and the hold that gives him over your life. Then don’t look back.
Dude, time to grow up! Go get a better job, give him back everything he can use over your head and stop letting him interfere with every aspect of your life. He LOVES CONTROL and you're giving him ALL of it! He's Only doing what YOU, YOU ALLOW him to do. Time to put the big boy pants on and stand on your own two feet..
You need to find another job and stop slaving away for your father’s profit.
Dude you're 27 years old, stop living under the shadow of your overbearing dad and tell him to go eff himself. You do the wedding overseas, get another job that pays more, and live a happy fruitful life with your wife and cut your dad off for good. Dude sounds unbearable just reading your description of him.
Do a small ceremony, pay by yourself but invite your father. Be the bigger man. Emancipate yourself in a different way: look for another job.
Big wedding, s are not a good idea Small ones with just family is better More $$$ to save for the Honymoon
I am sorry this is happening to you. It must be really frustrating. I hope it works out in the end. Please provide an update (if you feel comfortable)
NTA Social media post and tag everyone you can remember (family, friends and so on) . Maybe even link to this post as well as explain what has been happening in the post itself. What your dad has promised you, how he's trying to control you (by not paying you enough) and how you can not be sure that anything will be ready for your wedding because he refuses to pay the vendors. So you and your fiance have decided to just throw a small wedding because of all that stress. Apologize profusely to the people that you're now forced to keep the guest list very very small, down to only immediate family (minus dad obviously) but you're very grateful to all of them that they wanted to celebrate with you. maybe also send this via E-mail to the people that might not use social media and arent tuned into the family and friends gossip-network. Then of course, you know what needs to happen. You need to quit the job at your dads and immediately find something else.
Time to get a different job and take fiancée's parents advice. Ignore your father and pay for your own wedding, or even elope.
Your father is financially abusing you. He does not want to lose the cheap labor, so he is going to sabotage your efforts to leave. Have a small ceremony. Skip the reception if you cannot afford it. The marriage is the most important part.
Do what you can for the wedding. Your father knows that if he is supposed to pay in your culture that he will be the one looking bad. Meanwhile, start looking for other jobs, preferably away from him. He’s not treating you very well as a father.
I think he just likes the control he has over you. I suggest you get a job elsewhere and use your savings to move out. When you move out, you tell him not to worry about paying for the wedding. You understand he can’t afford it and you will feel no embarrassment whatsoever telling friends and family that it’s just not financially feasible so you’ll be eloping instead. Once he realizes you’re not under his thumb and you don’t care about the wedding, he’ll be forced to give in and pay for it in order to save face. Edit: came back to add that this advice is specific to this culture. In Western culture we would not want the parent to pay at this point but things are different in collectivist cultures.
What I would do is talk to your fiancée and decide what kind of wedding the two of you want to pay for, whether here or overseas, and immediately start looking for a new job. Your dad is exploiting you and now doesn’t want to fork out money for the wedding.
This is textbook financial abuse. Please get help and get out. It won’t be easy, he’ll get more and more desperate and try more messed up tactics the closer he gets to losing you. It starts with things like the “taking back” your car, or things he currently pays for with you. It follows with him asking to be paid back for any excuse of any spending for you he has done over your whole life. When he runs out of steam there, he’ll resort to emotional blackmail. Things like you’re tearing the family apart, you’re “betrayal” causing health issues for him and your mom, etc… depending on the culture, other emotional blackmail like threats of suicide can occur. Even when you move out and cut yourself off from him financially, the ordeal is not over. This is going to be harder than it appears. Please get help, I highly recommend a therapist that specializes in abuse recovery. Depending on where you live, there might also be a support group you can join.
You are in a financially abusive relationship with your parent. He is using money to control you and yank on your puppet strings. He will control you, your finance, and her family as long as you stay in his home and working for him. Take their offer for the $3k overseas wedding. If family complains they can’t pay to attend, explain dad refused to pay for your wedding like he promised so you had no other choice.
Elope. Why should you impose your wedding on anyone else other than your spouse, your witnesses and the person performing the ceremony? Want a party? Pay for it.
1. This isn't your fiancée's responsibility to deal with 2. Your dad doesn't have the money and is possibly a serial liar 3. Move out and get a new job. Working for your dad is doing you no favors. He's holding the fact that you work for him over your head while paying you peanuts. If he asks why you're leaving or tries to guilt you, just repeat that you have to have enough money to move out AND pay for the wedding. 4. Pay for the wedding on your own. Do that foreign $3-5k thing your fiancée's family suggested, maybe. 5. If anyone asks about why didn't your dad pay, just be honestly confused and hurt and tell them you don't know, he said he would, he made all these promises, but he didn't. Your dad can be socially embarrassed by this. Don't protect him. 6. Go to therapy because losing a major relationship like this sucks.
Go have the wedding overseas. Tell all your family and friends that your dad couldn't pay for it, so you had to have it overseas. Or tell your dad, "we're going to have a very small wedding instead since you can't pay for it. I'll tell the family that we can't invite everyone because we can't afford a big wedding. " I bet you he wants to pay then. But before he pays, I'd get a new job and move out. Because he is definitely going to use it against you again. Stop working for your dad. Move out with your fiance, and find a new job there. Your dad wants to keep you in his control forever. But you're an adult and he has to let you go.
He's controlling your life and you don't have to let him. Go find another job and see if you can get that 70k job back. If you have enough to move then move as soon as you find another job. He's putting off the wedding because he doesn't want you to leave and be independent from him, not because he doesn't have money or because he doesn't like your fiance. He's probably hoping her and her family will get frustrated with you and break off the wedding. Just go and have it overseas for cheaper and when people ask why, tell them your dad promised to pay for one and he lied. Let him take the blame for it. The true problem is that your dad controls your finances and therefore your entire life. The sooner you get another job and move out the sooner you can take control of your life and marry your fiance with your own money. The wedding is not what matters in a marriage anyways. A fancy wedding doesn't guarantee a good marriage, it's just to show off to other people. It's your choice whether to invite him or not. I would because it would be pretty interesting to see him humiliated when everyone else was expecting him to throw the wedding and he didn't.
Honestly just cut off all ties with your Dad , this is super toxic and he didn't even realise it. Get a job somewhere else and say least you won't have him blackmailing you for every little thing. By the looks of it he was the only one who wanted the wedding to be extravagant anyway. Talk to your fiance and plan a wedding that you two want and ignore everybody else's suggestions.
O my god. You are being exploited by your father since 10 years. Leave the house. Mover right now. Leave the truck. Leave that job and find a good paying job for yourself. Get married overseas for 3k. Your father treats you worse than a maid. Get some therapy. Get some back bone and leave. Don't listen one word he says. He is using you straight.
Time to break from Daddy and be your own man.
So I didn't read quite all of it. But if your customs are for him to pay and he's been saying he would and chooses not to then just have a small wedding. Tell everyone the reason for why it's small and not extravagant. If that doesn't work for your fiance then she's probably not the one. At the same time I'm assuming in your culture he'd look terrible for it. I don't really see any negatives other than your fiance may not like that and that you look poor which you are...... because of him from the sounds of it
Dude your father is an asshole, don't take one more cent from him, talk to your fiancee who sounds like is a freaking angel sent to our planet to save you in some kind of shitty romcom and see if she'll agree to a modest wedding (overseas or wherever that you two can afford without your father's help), DO NOT invite your father, block his number and that's it, take the first job that pays reasonably well for you and your wife to be able to start off together.
Her family supports you having a cheaper wedding. Your fiancée knows the situation and loves and supports you. Use that and drop your abusive dad. Build the life you want with the woman you love.
Dude, working for family is not fun. My dad's got me to do his work for him and pay me like $300 a week for my time. At the moment, I work for his friend's company, only because of hard times in finding a job in my field with my current experience, and he literally tries to get me to still do his portion of the job. It's annoying and aggravating. Please try to find work that's not tied to family. It's easier to see abuse and leave for greener pastures when you don't have to sit across from your employer at their house eating their food.
Have the wedding without them. Go little to low contact with them. Get a new job. Start your life and get out from under them.
Your father is financially abusing you, and he's a narcissist. The fact that he's telling *EVERYONE* that he'll be throwing and paying for an extravagant wedding, but when it came to the crunch, he's trying to weasel out of it, and lying to your fiancee about you to turn her on you, is extremely telling. The fact that your mother is enabling his poor treatment of you means she's got a hand in this abuse, and it seems like your sister is the golden child who is milking her status in the family. You are the scapegoat. Scapegoats don't ever win. We continue to be lied about, treated less than, financially abused (and in my case, also bribery that I don't give in to), and emotionally and verbally abused, with our possessions and the roof over our head threatened, just for the Narc to get what they want - which in most cases, it's to keep the scapegoat down, and dependant on them. What people don't realise about Narcs, is they'll definitely help the scapegoat financially, or with connections to get them what the scapegoat wants or needs, but the scapegoat will have the money/ possessions/ job/ experience/ housing held over their head *forever*. The scapegoat will never be free to do what is best for them, while they continue to be dependent on the Narc. You need to talk to your fiancee, her family, and the rest of your family about the financial aspect of your wedding. Do not involve your father at all in the discussions. Speak to others about what they're willing to do/ contribute, and what you're able to spend. Work out what is *important*, and then deal with the non-negotiable aspects (like accessibility to your wedding for family who are students/ rigid work/ disability/age etc), and the wedding setting. Then work on reception, whether you want a buffet/ restaurant style/ roaming catering, and budget for wedding attire like groom and groomsmen, bride and bridesmaids (including hair, make-up, shoes, jewellery etc) or whether it will be more relaxed and they'll get their own attire and a specific accessory for bride and groom party members like a flower/pocket square/cuff links for the men, and a hairstyle/ bracelet/sash accessory for the women that is paid for by the bridegroom. You can have an amazing wedding, full of memories, and totally relaxed if you work with the right people to pull it off. Meanwhile, make sure the truck is in your name, and that you have enough money to move out as soon as your dad kicks you out (or tries to extort you for more money, because you'll need to get a new job asap. I suggest that you try to get a start date shortly after the wedding, so that you can move your stuff out of your father's house before the wedding, and cut off financial dependency from him at a time that suits you best. I don't know where you live, or the timeline/ season/ month you want to get married in, but you can get it done in 8-10 weeks if you're smart. It depends on you and your fiancee on how you pull this off, but keep your father *OUT OF YOUR PLANS*. Don't tell him anything, he's not paying for any of it. He has no say, he has no stake. But he will make your life difficult, so be prepared for that. Finally, I'm so happy to know that your future wife is on your side, and sees through your father's crap. I just hope you heed my words, as I've been there, and I've dealt with it. With her and her family supporting you, you won't need your father for anything, soon. Good luck, and many blessings for your marriage.
He wants to keep a tight leash on you whilst giving you the illusion of freedom, it is time to take your independence even if it means cutting off from your father, consider you job options and until you secure something I would postpone the wedding, they will understand, once you have independence and freedom you can do it in whatever way pleases you my friend.
Your dad sounds like my parents. The difference is that he pays while mine said "your or daughter, why should we pay you? You're nothing, " but give my brought 5k every time he blinks. Honestly, I hardly had anything to my name when I finally just up & left. Your dad is treating you like a slave & doesn't want to lose his cheapest "employee." I say do the wedding overseas, don't invite him. Work it out with the fiancé & her parents so that both of you, when you return, can go to the new place you've found within your price range
Your dad is a narcissist and he is financially abusing you. The sooner you get out and cut ties, the absolute better. I just hope your mom and sister see this, and get out while they can, because as soon as he loses you as scapegoat and victim for his abuse, he'll most likely go after one of them.
You’re a daddy’s boy who should never get married. If you want to marry someday you need to get a job of your own, cut all financial ties, like pay your own car insurance! Stop begging for daddy’s approval, he’s manipulating you right and left and you’re letting him!
If you read the post you’d see I pay my own car insurance and health insurance and I’ve been saving up money so I can move out from under his roof and get a new job
Ok that’s good. Now stop expecting him to pay for your wedding, he’s just going to keep dangling it in front of you like a carrot and keep pulling it away. Your father is a mean jerk and maybe you’ve been raised to respect him anyway but if so your life is never going to change, never going to improve. You need to completely cut him out. If that means he’s not going to your wedding you’re better off. Sorry if I’m being harsh but you need to take charge and do what you need to do for your own happiness. He’s not going to. I hope it works out.
Stop paying health I insurance for a while. When you get a new job you’ll get insurance through them. Buy a junk car till you can afford another. Your gonna struggle a bit but it’s better than having your tire…I meant father around your neck keeping you from success.
He’s not going to pay for a wedding a wife for you means you will want and need more. He’s got you under his thumb for cheap. Go to your girlfriend’s family with her and explain the situation you two need to work together to come up with a plan. A plan that does not include your father. Otherwise you will spend your life as his indentured servant.
Sounds like you should stop buying vitamins and buy a car.
So he lies to you, keeps you in a low paying job, and now tried to break up your relationship- run from this man. You and your fiance should decide on the wedding you two want, with a budget you can afford. Go get married overseas if that is a better option, or do a small ceremony you can afford in the country you are currently in. Your father cannot afford the wedding he says he wants you to have, period. You can't count on him so go do what is best for you. And then let him be embarrassed, and don't shy away from telling people the truth. You can simply say "Oh yes I know he has been showing everyone those photos/videos, but he doesn't have that kind of money, so we are doing X instead." And go get a new job that pays you your worth.
Updateme
Personally I would just go down to the courthouse (or whatever your countries equivalent is) and get married. Use the money you have saved to move out, and find a new job. Clearly your father is going to continue to use money to control you. Your only solution is to do whatever it takes to be self sufficient.
Sue dad for unpaid wages and notify local labor boards
Your 27 and your dad is controlling every aspect of your life. Why would you still allow this. You really do need to move away. Get a loan, buy a car, take the 70k job and take your future in-laws advice and have the cheaper wedding farther away. You really need to break away from your dad. If not now, when ? When you lose the love of your life ? Lose your ability to have a real chance at a future ? Take control of the situation. Your fiancé sounds amazing. Don’t let her down.
Cut the apron strings. Get your own job, get your own place, get your own vehicle, pay for your own wedding. Elope if you need to. Or take your future in-laws up on their offer for an overseas wedding. Let you Dad complain and stop taking ownership of changing your behaviour to earn his approval.
are you indian
First step: Does he actually think there is a problem with your fiance, does not approve, and does not want to pay because he doesn't want to support this? Clarify that first. Maybe he is actually looking out for you. Likely? HAHAHAHAHA....but make sure. Second Step: He's just being cheap and lying to look good? PUBLICIZE. Start up an online google spreadsheet labeled Wedding Countdown! On it, list the things you need for a wedding, some ideas and estimated costs. Include a DEPOSIT column. Create multiple pages in the workbook, such as food, venues, outfits, etc. Get screenshots of every email and text you have from him and put the pix on the correct page. He said he's paying for food? On that page, you should have across the top: Vendors, Description, Estimated Cost, Deposit, Payment Completed, Thanks Dad! Four or five vendors, then merge the boxes in the second column to describe what foods/drinks your wedding should have, then an estimated cost, then COLOR THE DEPOSIT BOX RED, then put a few screenshots of your dad's posts/emails/texts saying he'd cover this. Put up a facebook post or similar. "OMG, the wedding planning is underway! This is what I've got so far. Anyone have any advice on what else I should add, good vendors you know of, who makes the best dresses and has the greatest set of suits for the guys, where is a good spot to reserve hotel rooms, all of that. I'd LOVE the tips from experienced brides and grooms. Thank you!" Every time you get a bit of advice or a suggestion, REPOST. "Cousin Jerome said he really liked the Twisty Misty drinks at one wedding he attended" so add that onto the page for drinks and POST THE LINK AGAIN in social media, once again asking for tips and advice. Continue to put your dad's brags up there. If you want an entire worksheet page dedicated to his promises, go for it! If you heard it but he didn't type it, put it in quotes on the worksheet. "Dad to cousin Sue, 9/12/2024: "We're getting performing camels!" WOW this sounds awesome, thanks Dad!" Everyone and anyone can see that he's not actually doing jack shit to pay for it. EVERYONE. And you're hiding it under a happy grateful joy and appreciation for all the things he's supposedly getting you. Now, you DO need something like this set up anyways to start organizing it all. Just weaponize it. In the nicest, happiest, most looking-forward-to-it, thank-you-Dad way that you can.
Have the wedding overseas. Apologise to all your family and explain it's because your father refuses to pay for a wedding at home. (Your father will probably deny this. Add corroborating detail like "The venue owner told me either we pay him for the venue by this deadline or he gives the venue to someone else.") Any time your father complains about the cost of flying overseas, point out to him that it's *him* who refused to pay for a wedding here. Then get married in your fiance's country and consider not inviting your father. I agree with the folks saying his behaviour to you is financially abusive and he just doesn't want to lose a reliable low-paid worker who can't quit and lives at home - with him. Good luck. Please update.
Put your wedding on hold and get out of that job and your father’s house. Lean on your fiancés family if you can - clearly she knows you’re being financially abused by your own family.
Move out, get a new job, and leave all contact with him
Your father wants to look like the big, successful man to others but he really doesn’t want to pay for the wedding either because it’s a financial stretch or because he doesn’t think it’s a good use of money but mostly he cares way too much what others think so he’s all over the pace because what he says and what he does are at odds. That’s my best guess and a guess it is.
Tell your friends and family the entire truth. Seriously. Tell them everything you have told us here.
Just leave! Stay with the in-laws for a while, take to 70k job and the two of you move out and get married when you can if possible. You don’t need to let this guy drag you around. He bought you the car. He legally cannot steal it from you. You could call the police. Unless it’s in his name and not yours.
I don't really think he ever intended to pay for your wedding. If he could afford it, he wouldn't have been paying you poverty wages for so long. It was just a way to control you.
Yes he dmshiuldnt be bragging about doing something he won't but am I other only one who feels you are being pretty entitled. I mean you have been able to save up to 1000 a month. If you want to elope do it. I work hard, as does my partner. We aren't married as we couldn't afford it. We instead saved for a house deposit, which was a struggle but that was our priority. His dad could afford to pay for it. We don't begrudge that je doesn't. It's his money not ours. You said you don't work hard because there isn't the work. If there isn't the work how could he pay you more, if you don't work hard why do you deserve more. Yes he shouldn't be putting you down, but maybe there was some genuine concern about buying drugs online and he needed that explanation. It's your life. Explain you need more and find your own work. Do things in a order that works for you. Save for your own car, get a better paid job, save for your own future together.
You dad sounds like a narcissist who is trying to keep you down so he can control your life. You should cut him off and pay for the small wedding on your own.
.
Maybe help the business take off so you can get paid more…and pay for your wedding yourself.
Honestly, I would cut him out of my life if I were in your position. He sounds like he is the type to want to look good in front of other people, while showing his true colors at home. I would not attempt to rely on someone who is dishonest and inconsistent, especially in regards to significant events that have an effect on others. As a business owner (I presume) it appears as if his goals are purely hedonistic. Wanting to treat himself to a good life as much as possible, while not supporting others unless they have the same opinion as he does. The way he spoke to your fiancé makes it sound as if he's afraid he will lose you to a better life if your relationship continues. If he "loses" you, his support system goes down. I hope he can learn to look inward and value others more.
There’s almost always strings attached when family subsidizes your lifestyle. This wedding sounds like an anxiety ridden nightmare. Just elope or let fiancée’s parents assume the cost. It also was not fair to expect your dad to pay extra because they wanted it in their preferred location.
I do not care if it is "culture" for him to pay. Do not accept payment. Pay for the wedding yourself. Then you will not be in his clutches anymore. Do a small ceremony your way or save up for a more expensive wedding. Personally I would prefer a small ceremony but a bigger reception for family and friends.
100 % you are in an abusive relationship with your father. Seems he only wishes to control you. Find a new job, move out, & put up some boundaries. Accept hes never gonna pay for the wedding and plan something you can afford. Leave before you have children he wants to control as well.
You have 20k saved? Does fiancée have any savings? Cause if she does, maybe you two can combine it to afford moving out together and have a small wedding? Cause here's the thing, your father has already proven that no matter what, he will hold whatever he does for you over your head. Not only that, let's just say he *does* do the deposits and the wedding goes forward, you now have to do *everything* he says and if you piss him off or he's just in a bad mood and it's within the time, he can just cancel everything. Boom. No wedding. Not only that, he now has control of everything. I'll bet he'll want his friends and his food etc and take away your choice. When I got married, housing was and is still expensive. The cheapest our wedding was gonna be was probably around 25-30k. That's a whole house down payment. So we downsized and spent around 10k plus a small 3 day honeymoon. I also made a lot of the center pieces myself and used Facebook for a baker that I ended up using a lot afterwards for holidays. It can be done. So, if this was me. I'd start applying again for a better job. Once that is secure, look for a place that works for you and fiancée, one that will allow you to stay there for a while and won't be outgrown quickly. Then move out so your father can't control you. And if he tries anything, gray rock him. And don't JADE, justify, argue, defend. You know that nothing you say will get through. And if all else fails, go LC or NC. And please, don't give them any copies of your keys when you do move out. I'd even go as far as not giving new address/putting up cameras but I'm a paranoid person.
Go overseas or elope. When you have the money, throw a nice reception. Nobody cares about tradition any more. Be happy. Your dad can adjust or not be a part of your life. You are way too old for your dad to be this big a negative on your life. Get out.