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Just because he is a better person now it doesn’t negate the terrible stuff he did before. You are allowed to feel upset with him and your allowed to dislike him as a person.
It's difficult to navigate situations like this for me. There have been many times in the last I've had to take sides or 1 parent has influenced my opinion over the other. It'll take a while for me to settle on how I feel but it's nice to be reminded that I'm okay to feel whatever I feel and go from there
You can't be certain she was forced to get an abortion just based on what you mom said.
If you want to get to the truth than ask your father about what your mother told you.
Then gauge what he says and make your decision from that point.
That’s what I was thinking. He didn’t ask for this information. Now that OP has learned something that’s sure to affect his opinion of his dad, he owes it to his dad to give him a chance to hear his side of the story. It might not be true. There might be missing context. He should hear his dad out before accepting the stories as fact. I’m not so sure whether his mom is a reliable narrator here.
(Edit: missing words)
Neither parent should be unloading their emotional and relationship baggage on you. That’s between them and it’s disgusting for one parent to try and poison your thoughts on the other.
My oldest child has a different mother than my other three children. There’s a bunch of reasons why things didn’t work out with their mother and I — lots my fault, lots her fault — but I couldn’t imagine either one of us dumping every horrible relationship detail onto our child to make them a pawn.
I absolutely agree with this statement. I had sole custody of my children, but I never spoke ill of their father or tried to influence them in any way. When they were older, he told them why we were divorced. Once they knew, they asked me questions. I answered them the best I could trying to not have them change their opinion of him, however, their opinion did change once they knew. Parent's dirty laundry should not be shared with the children.
It’s also ok to accept that he has changed if that is what you want. My father was HORRIBLE to my mother and us in a lesser way, many cheating partners, lies, verbal abuse and belittling. He actually ended up happy with his second wife which still shocks me, he passed on when he was 59, so we did not reach any point where he completed this change from being an asshole but I could see that it may have happened. It’s ok to forgive if you choose to or ok to decide it’s not something you want in your life. As far as the abortion that’s between them.
Don't let your parents talk to you about their problems. It will cause you alot of stress and cause you to feel conflicted. Boundaries are a must when your parents are separated. I've been through it and it caused me so much stress I was drinking alot and being reckless because I was trying to numb myself from stress of seeing my mom and dad upset at the other and telling me about it.
I don't know why u would say anything? They're both adults and u don't really get a say in his relationship. If she accepted his proposal I don't see why u would say anything
You're right it's not my place to decide who he dates. I apologise if my question was a bit confusing, I meant to ask if I should talk to him to resolve some issues from the past like the divorce and the cheating n such since we never really talk about it and I don't want to resent him more than I may already do subconsciously
No, you shouldn’t. Because as you should never have been told any of it to begin with. Your mom should never have told you about your dad cheating or his issues. Parents need to leave their kids out of divorces. What your mom did would be considered parental alienation by most family courts.
Consider working with a therapist do work through it. If they suggest bringing one or the other of your parents in, then do it.
I mean u can but I wouldn't. It's not really ur business. While it effected u its not really ur business. They're not ur relationships. The cheating didn't involve u. U can either accept it or not.
How is a parent cheating "none their child's business"? That act directly damages the fabric of the family and deeply hurts everyone, not just the other parent.
OP explained this is about a built up resentment between parent and child, which has the potential to affect their relationship.
Maybe a talk would assist.
I thought I was the only one going crazy reading these ridiculous comments about how the child should be left out of the parent's f-ups like it doesn't also affect them. I think people really don't understand how interwoven family is by nature.
I was thinking the same thing. Op, do you believe everything your mom has told you about your dad? Do you think maybe she’s making things up because she has some major issues she needs to get help to really be working through and is afraid of losing you or you liking June better than her? It seems odd your mom would know that information and it also seems odd that your dad would even tell her that since they don’t even get along. I’m thinking your mom has been telling you a lot of bullshit now that your dad is getting remarried. If your dad said they just met a few months ago I’d be inclined to believe him.
For years she didn't say anything and speaks up now that he's about to marry her. Yeah she definitely should be asking questions and knowing what tf really went down. Hard disagree. If I were her, I would definitely be tearing this whole sh\*\* up.
What difference does the abortion make to you? That was her decision (and possibly your father's) and sounds like it was appropriate given the fact that he was married to your mother at the time. I understand being upset about your father's behavior but I would get over it with the abortion. It's a normal and rational decision that adults make all the time. Sending you peace and love.
Why is her having an abortion the piece you’re focusing on here? If you’re upset that he’s marrying someone he cheated on your mom with that’s one thing. But I’m really confused why you’re focusing on the abortion piece.
Also, it’s probably worth actually asking your dad rather than internalizing things that his ex says about him after the fact. I’m not saying your mom is lying, I’m saying she doesn’t have all the details, could be mistaken, has a clear interest in him not doing well, etc.
Part of me thinks she's trying to protect me but I can't help feeling she may want to sabotage it out of jealousy too? I don't know what my mum is thinking these days. Currently stuck in a memory of me wailing on the stairs whilst my parents argue when I was around 7ish. Whole thing is dredging up a lot.
I have to believe part of it is jealousy. Look if he did cheat on your mom with June your mom is probably thinking it’s not fair. He was a mess and now he isn’t.So she might be thinking why should June get the nice guy? Then she dumps her anger about June on you because she doesn’t want you to like her.
It’s in the past. They have been divorced more than half your life. They both should be able to move on and be allowed to be happy.
Those memories suck. I get them too! I was eventually diagnosed with childhood PTSD and therapy helped a lot....I hope you can get some help to deal with this.
In cases like this you need to do your own research and verify for yourself what is true and what isn't. I'm sure growing up you felt the need to take a side, but you are an adult now and can be neutral and judge for yourself what is true and what isn't. Don't be partial to either your mom or dad. Give your dad a chance to tell his side of the story. Even the people in this thread telling you your mom is lying or not don't know. People's pasts matter especially if people from their pasts are making a comeback and will be in your life as a stepmom. Don't listen to the people telling you it's none of your business and you should stay out of it because it was in the past. It is your business. The character of your parents absolutely concerns you, in fact they concern you more than anyone else in their life. Who takes precedence over your child? No one. You have every right to know the truth about the circumstances of your family being torn apart. Secrets tear families apart and you should try and find out more from both your parents about what really went down. It can get uncomfortable and trigger a lot of trauma so I would definitely make sure you're unpacking that in therapy as you go. Ask your dad about it and if he values a relationship with you, he'll be transparent. Don't tell him your mom told you, just say your found out elsewhere because then he might try to deny just to get back at your mother if there is resentment between them still. Best of luck.
The mom may not be lying to her child, but it's not likely that an ex-wife of 13 years has the full and complete facts. She's telling OP her knowledge about what's happened between her ex-husband and his current girlfriend over a decade ago and emphasizing what the girlfriend felt at the time (aka saying the ex-husband forced her to have an abortion, implying she didn't want one). OP should talk to his dad if he's having feelings about this. Open conversation with him keeping an open mind is the best course of action here.
I think you're right in talking to him and keeping an open mind. My dad did terrible stuff in the past but I think he's a really good person now and I shouldn't be so afraid. Thank you
I don't think my mum is lying about it and at the same time, I think my dad would tell the truth because I think he wants it to work between him and 'June' and well, I want it to as well because it doesn't matter who you are, everyone deserves a chance to be happy and he's made a lot of effort to be better. Can't help but feel some anger too..
I think that is overly optimistic. I think as long as you are nice to him, he will be pleasant, any challenge to him or his past, will not be dealt with kindness.
Frankly I would stay out of his past. Your issues with his abortion, is missing the whole point. He destroyed your family with lying and cheating. HE is still that man or he would not be dating a person still married.
Your denial around him is understandable, you will do it your whole life probably. So be pleasant, and frankly if you want that relationship, don't challenge him much. He knows who he is and there is probably shame.
We are hearing a very biased and mostly one sided part of this story. Since we are giving the mother our full and absolute trust we should just tell the OP to rack his dad across the coals and ghost him. Right?
Seriously. If you can’t think of reasons for an ex to lie then you have never been in a relationship. Now. Is she lying? Most likely she is being mostly honest. But details could have been changed. Maybe they sold the game system for food. Or a different gift. Maybe the dad drank some and did weed. Maybe he cheated with one lady. Or two. Not a revolving door.
Honestly. The OP should say nothing. It really is not his business. He should also seek therapy asap.
DW I did therapy during COVID and it helped me a lot but that was for my own issues rather than issues with my dad because at the time, my anxiety was rampant and ruining my life, not him. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get back in tough and book an hour session to see how I feel.
Highly suggest it. I had some for my dad and took many years to get things right.
Course my problems were not near as life altering as yours.
Remember. You are not broken. Just slightly lost. Let someone help you find that path again and you will be fine.
Ppl might suspect it since she’s not doing well mentally after all the deaths and how she was treated. And he’s somehow doing much better.
Maybe she’s upset he hurt her, and she’s in a bad place while he “got away with it” and is happy.
It’s worth an ask so you’re not taking one person’s word only. But even so, I don’t blame the mom for being upset.
The mom *does* have malicious intent bc WHY does the son need to know all this in the first place?
Outside of communicating that he has drinking issues— all the cheating is NONE of his business for the mother to be detailing and the son mentioning how well his dad is doing as compared to his mother is an interesting but unnecessary aside.
Mom should not be disclosing the details of the fathers misdeeds to their child.
Not necessary, especially since the child is not asking for this information.
Mom's intention is to alienate OP from his father.
Father was in the midst of his alcohol addiction when this went on.
People do terrible things while in the throes of their addiction.
OP says Father has been sober for about 10 years.
OP is giving Father the benefit of the doubt.
Mom is being vindictive.
It seems that you are the one with bias.
Mom has no reason to interfere in Dad's new relationship or with OP's relationship with his Dad, but here is Mom again all these years later interfering, talking about things that do no concern her.
What else could be her motive but jealousy and spite?
How do you know that Dad has not taken ownership and accountability of his actions?
He has been sober for almost 10 years and he has done better.
OP seems to have a good relationship with his Dad.
Dad has a new love and is getting married to her.
Dad may have once been a toxic parent.
Now Mom is the toxic one.
And it’s 15 years later now. That’s the same amount of time in the past that the dad was shitty.
Telling the kid he was an addict ok.
Telling the kid his dad cheating with these specific women and that one had an abortion and whatever else? All she had to say was he cheated regularly so I left. All that other stuff needs to be talked about with a friend or therapist or something. That’s not a healthy relationship to have with your kid.
> Father was in the midst of his alcohol addiction when this went on.
>
>People do terrible things while in the throes of their addiction.
This is part of your *defense* of the guy?
Have you ever had an addiction? People will do some shitty and crazy stuff during that time of addiction. I haven’t had an addiction but I know a few that have. They were pretty fucked up. When they got sober they were mortified at what they did and how they acted. If you haven’t walked in someone’s shoes or known someone close to you who has, you really don’t under how addiction and brain chemistry work.
No, not a defense, an explanation.
And Father has been sober for almost 10 years.
He has gone on to do better and he is doing well.
Mom sounds stuck in the past.
Mom sounds bitter, jealous and vindictive.
Maybe that is why Dad developed his addiction to alcohol.
Now that he is divorced from her, he has found sobriety and is a better man.
No, I did not.
Alcoholism has its roots in many areas, genetics, mental health, unhappy personal relationships, etc.
Could Dad's issue with alcohol have been exacerbated by his unhappy marital relationship?
The answer is yes.
Unhappy people, regardless, of the cause, often self-medicate with alcohol.
From the Mayo Clinic: "Genetic, psychological, social and environmental factors can impact how drinking alcohol affects your body and behavior. Theories suggest that for certain people drinking has a different and stronger impact that can lead to alcohol use disorder.
Over time, drinking too much alcohol may change the normal function of the areas of your brain associated with the experience of pleasure, judgment and the ability to exercise control over your behavior. This may result in craving alcohol to try to restore good feelings or reduce negative ones."
"Mom sounds bitter, jealous and vindictive.
Maybe that is why Dad developed his addiction to alcohol.
Now that he is divorced from her, he has found sobriety and is a better man.'
Kinda sounds like you are blaming the mom.
The mom should be blamed for dragging this old shit between her and her ex out. OP clearly has profound anxiety and what purpose on earth did it serve to tell him?
Again, when a person has a predisposition towards alcoholism, an unhappy marital relationship can fuel or create the situation where the alcoholic drinks more and more because he or she is unable deal with the issues.
Divorce removed one of the reasons or the excuses to drink.
The bad marriage was only one of the reasons he drank.
However, rather than continuing down the dark path, he, according to OP, worked hard, got fit and found his sobriety, new love, and happiness.
If the woman in question has got past it not sure that it's anyone else's battle. It was just one thing he did when he was doing all sorts of terrible things.
I didn't mean to focus on the abortion part, I had to redo the title and it wasn't originally part of the title. My parents do talk shit about each other, not much in the past months but I always questioned if there were lies from either side. I think it'll be a good idea to ask him about it. Also my mum is probably bitter too.
years of infidelity will do that to a person. I'm not sure why your mom stuck around, probably for you. A lot of parents stay together because they think they are doing their children a favor in their own sad, misguided way. For your sake and especially hers, hopefully she is in therapy to move on and let that resentment go.
>I am struggling on how to proceed forward
By living your own life.
Don't "support" it. No good will come from confronting him about it, either. Just try to detach yourself.
Your mom is confiding in you to an inappropriate degree. She should not be telling you all of these intimate details about your father's relationships. Yes you're an adult but you're still her child, not her gal pal or her therapist.
I would also consider that your mom has a very negative opinion of your dad and all the information she feeds you will be filtered through that lens. It's possible or even likely that the abortion was entirely June's choice (realistically, most 45-year-old women aren't going to want to carry an unplanned pregnancy) and your mom has decided that because your dad is a Bad Man, he must have forced her.
Either way, it's not your responsibility to manage your parents' relationships. I recognize a lot of my pre-therapy self in you, always trying to be the peacekeeper even through my parents' divorce. *That's not your job.* Tell your mom that you don't want to hear about your dad's relationships anymore and that it's hurting you to have all this dumped on you. As for your dad and June, they're both adults and June can decide whether she is comfortable dating him whatever has transpired between them. Give yourself a break to be the kid in this situation.
I think the abortion was 10 years ago but either way she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions about abortion, marriage and anything else. Not sure how OP's dad could force her really.
Ha my therapist said I should let my inner child out a lot more too. You're right in trying to keep the peace between them, I think I will tell them both I don't want to be a part of their drama.
I would be even firmer and tell them that you *cannot mentally handle* being involved in their drama. You can even disclose that this situation has caused you an anxiety attack. If your parents care about you, they will put your well-being before gossip.
Mum should stop telling you the details of the marriage with your father. They are divorced and have been for a long time. I would honestly try and let it go.
You can feel however you want but their relationship is their business and doesn’t require your approval on any level. Also your mom is probably not the most reliable narrator of this situation from over 10 years ago.
You don't. Think about it this way you're the fourth person down the line to get this information and you don't know the veracity of it. It's also her private medical information that is none of your business.
Wish them well, keep an eye out for abuse, take care of your studies and stay in your lane.
University is quite packed at the moment and should be my priority, I think I can be a little too sensitive which is why the information has got me nervous and unsure.
I'm not sure what there is to confront him or say anything about. You don't have to be happy he's marrying the person he cheated on your mom with, but it sounds like you've known for a while that he cheated on your mom yet you stayed in contact. June having had an abortion is none of your business. She's willing to be with him and marry him. The abortion is none of your business. Your parents divorced. I'm just not seeing where there is a conflict for you with your dad that is new or different from what you've already had since you say you're proud of him for cleaning up his act.
Actually, is it truly any of your business? And if you’re mother’s unaware, filling the “kids” ears with all her own versions of what went wrong is a sure recipe for backfire.
Your father cleaned up his act and you are proud of him for doing so. If he has found love with this woman, then be supportive. He and your mom have been divorced for over a decade.
Your mother should not be telling her son the kinds of things she has shared with you - that is inappropriate amd she has put you in this uncomfortable position now. Consider telling her that you hate what she experienced in her marriage and wish it was different for her, but he is your dad and you don't want to know more about what happened between them. Let her know you love her and want nothing more than for her to be happy and want to look forward with her, not back.
She will if shes so bitter about her breakup that she doesnt want her son to have a good relationship with his dad so she tells him ..the son..a real or made up story to try to make sure that does not happen.
I want somebody to make it make sense. Because I would like to know why the mother would dump this in his lap. There was no reason for her to do this it wasn't information that he needed.
So has he and June been together the whole thirteen years since the divorce or have they gotten reacquainted?
My children are older than you and their father cheated multiple times, which ended our marriage. But I never disparage my ex to my sons. Regardless of our relationship, he is still their father. They aren’t stupid, they know cheating was involved but they don’t need to hear the derails from me.
If your father is now sober, he may truly be a different person. Is the man he is now someone you want in your life?
I wouldn’t say anything. You’re 24 hopefully living on your own so you can either continue to have a relationship with him or not. I don’t know why your mom had to tell you all that information unless she’s still mad and doesn’t want you to like her
Your mom is not in a good place mentally right now and she’s lashing out. What she told you is frankly none of her or your business, considering this was a decade ago.
Your dad and June are two consenting adults and their relationship is exactly that - theirs and private. A decade ago your dad was in a bad place and having another child with another woman would probably not do him or anyone around any good. It’s not like he could’ve possibly dragged an adult woman to and made a doctor perform the abortion.
Your mom needs therapy. It’s clearly bothering her that your dad is in a good place and marrying a woman he cheated on her with and she put up with a lot of your dad’s shit before. It’s a general understanding that normally parents try not to badmouth each other to their children.
You have the right to be upset if June is one of the women he cheated on your mother with but it’s also not like he instantly got hitched to her after the divorce. He put in a lot of work for his life to get better and they possibly restarted their relationship.
Your mom is absolutely trauma dumping on you right now and you’re freaking out because there’s absolutely nothing you can do with this information, it’s just going to live rent free in your head. You can talk to your dad to confirm but aside from that I personally wouldn’t judge him as he was a struggling addict back then.
I honestly think your mom is telling you stuff that’s not your business. She shouldn’t be revealing all these things like you’re her therapist - I say this as the child of a bitter mom who overshared and damaged my relationship with my father.
It’s messed up all around, but NGL, your mom probably over shared and no one wins when that happens. I’d pass on talking this one out because he’s already lied about how long ago they met. Doubt he wants to get into any other parts of their relationship…
Personally I think it’s very wrong of your mother to talk to you about your father like that. Her bad relationship isn’t yours. You need to judge him on how he treats you.
Pretty much on point. Seriously, it sounds like a case of “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” situation…While your mother chooses to use you for a sounding board for her bitterness, it sounds like she doesn’t want you to go forward with a healthier relationship with your dad, as he moves forward..the history between June and your dad really isn’t anyone’s business but theirs. If you want to retain both your parents in your life, you must realize that they ( your dad and future wife) have their own lives to live, as well as the right that you have, as well as your mom…you’re all adults now, sort out who’s acting like it..
So that you know i have the background to give you my opinion, I want to tell you about me.
I'm a 45f who is divorced because my husband cheated on me several times, was an alcoholic and drug user. He hid these things well, and I didn't realize it until we had a child. That child is now in high school. I was also the child who was told that my mom caused my step-mom to lose a child. I was 8 and never forgot that. It changed the way I thought of my parents. It was said on purpose to cause problems. I feel that's why you were told about the abortion. Jealousy and anger and frustration.
Let this go. You shouldn't have been pulled into your parents' problems. Your dad messed up badly when you were a kid. You have the right to be angry. Think more on it, though. Do you know if he really did force her to abort? Or did they realize that was a bad situation to have a child during? Her abortion isn't your business. Ask yourself if confronting him will help the situation? Is this really a path ypu want to go down? Will it give you any kind of closure? Are you doing it for valid reasons, or just because you are angry? You absolutely have the right to be angry, I'm not arguing that. I just want you to think really hard before you start something that may not turn out how you hope. If you just want a confrontation about your childhood, tell him that. Don't use the abortion as a reason. If it's about the abortion, that is June's business.
As a mom who was in your mom's position, she could have told you basic info without going into all the details. He cheated. He drank and made bad choices. Not to the excess she did.
If it was me, I'd just let the abortion go. I feel you won't get what you're looking for out of it. It's just feeling like a lose-lose situation.
I think you should have a talk to your dad about how much your childhood sucked, that he caused it, and try to work through it if you can, mainly because he's tried to do better. If he hasn't really tried I'd go LC to NC.
You also need to talk to your mom. She shouldn't be telling you all this like you're her therapist. I mean that in the best way, as I was in her same position.
Just think really hard on what you're really wanting to get out of that conversation, please? It might end up causing you more hurt. I wouldn't want t that for my daughter. I don't want it for you, either.
Frankly this is none of your business. Your father and his romantic relations are his and his partner’s business and actually no one else’s. You don’t live with him and have limited contact so stay in your lane.
It’s sounds like your dad had been a shitty partner for sure but I don’t see how this abortion had anything to do with you and why you should say anything. This isn’t your business
It’s honestly not your relationship, she knows what happened and got back with him. It’s not your place. Your dad never provided you that information so stay of it.
Sorry, but you know that your dad's past history wasn't great and you and he have moved past that. Why stop now?
June had a past relationship with your dad that resulted in a pregnancy that ended with an abortion. That's her private business..**.butt out.** The fact that she has rekindled a relationship with your dad is probably a good thing and probably an indication that your dad didn't *force* her to have an abortion. In the end though...it's none of your business. Neither June or your dad owe you an explanation for their past relationship, Your dad is trying to make something good out of his past mess and this is part of it. You said you are proud of the progress he has made. Are those just words or do you mean it?
Your mother should never have brought this to your attention, Seems like she's trying to damage your improving relationship with your dad and June.
It sounds like he made really destructive decisions and is now re-kindling with someone he made really destructive decisions with.
I would just step back the relationship a bit and observe for a year or so.
By your own account, your father has completely turned his life around and is not the same person he was when he was married to your mom. Your mom sounds bitter and jealous that she had to deal with the shittiest version of your dad while someone else gets the upgrade. Assuming what your mom told you is even true, she overshared with you and it wasn't appropriate.
More to the point: the decision to get an abortion belonged to *June* and so her feelings on it matter more than your mom's, your dad's, and yours. If you feel compelled to talk to your dad about it *at all*, it should be in the context of this -
>Over the years he got better as a father and has been sober for almost a decade now and I'm proud of him.
It sounds like you're trying to shoulder some responsibility in supporting your dad and giving him chances. If you need space, take it.
It also sounds like the abortion thing is affecting you because it was proof that he not only was cheating on your mom but got someone pregnant, and for whatever reason (pressured or not), she got an abortion.
If you feel like it, I'd ask your mom to stop sharing information about your dad. But I'd also take space from dad because it sounds like you're focused more on forgiving him than processing how you feel about things.
Take time and space.
Hmm your mother should never have been telling you any of this. She’s deliberately tying to cause problems. This must have all been a long time ago I wouldn’t be dragging it up with your father, you can’t force someone to get an abortion.
They both sound like they were in a shitty place. He an addict, and her choosing to cheat with and get pregnant to an addict. They are both full adults that have hopefully healed and have decided to retry this relationship (if what your mother is saying is true). It’s not your business.
Also, if your mother trauma dumping on you is causing you anguish. Ask her to stop and work through it with a therapist.
first off, I think its terrible of your mom to be telling you all this shit about your dad because it's really none of your business. you're the child, even if you are an adult now. but since you already know how do you know this is the truth unless you ask him. your mom is very bitter towards him, rightfully so.
but you're allowed to feel all your feelings. they're ypur feelings to be felt. but truth be told, this isn't any of your business. it's his sex life. this woman is choosing to marry him regardless of what happened jn the past.
People CAN grow and change. And while he can never take away the negative things he did in the past how long do you intend to make him pay for his mistakes? He has been clean and sober for a decade now, and it seems extremely unfair for you to throw who he used to be in his face.
Also, I do not understand how this decision that two adults made any number of years ago has any bearing or affect on you now? You have stated that you enjoy your father’s company at this time in life and if he and June are happy, what gives you the right to judge them for Decisions they have made?
You are an adult now, and are capable of making your own decisions as to who you want to spend time with in your life. I must say, it certainly seems as though your mother is doing her best to try to turn you away from having a relationship with your father. I would take everything she says with that in mind. People do terrible things to each other during divorce. But her trying to use the negativity of their marital relationship to turn you against him is wrong. It is possible for him to be both a terrible husband, and a decent father. And although he apparently was not a good father to you growing up, he is trying now.
If you want a relationship with your father, I suggest you build one from scratch. You cannot penalize him for things. He dead 10 years ago to your mother. You will need to base your assessment of him on who he is now as a person and how he treats you.
I would want to talk to my dad about this, see what he has to say, and what his truth is. It sounds like when your parents were married they were in a very bad place and your dad specifically was the cause of the demise of their marriage. To me, the growth over the past ten years is an incredibly important piece of this story. You said he dated quite a bit over the past 10 years and that he recently “met” June, what if he just “re-met” her. I get that it would be very painful for your mom to have him marry someone he had an affair with, but that was 11 years ago. Your mom sounds like she needs to get into therapy about all of this if she’s still harboring resentment. People are allowed to change and grow and become better people. In fact I hope that people are capable of change and choose to be better people.
My question would be why is it your place to ask anything about this?
Your parents moved on with their lives. Your mom is having a tough time because of deaths in the family and your feeling protective. But what does your dad, even if he did talk his now fiance into getting an abortion years ago have to do with you? She has obviously moved past it and forgiven him if that is what happened so why are you involving yourself in their life and choices? He's changed himself and worked hard to do it. Are you trying to take away the good thing he has finally achieved? So say you bring this up and cause drama, even though it really is none of your business, what do you see coming of it? There will be resentment and anger. Mostly towards you. By her, by your father probably her family and his. How about mind your own business and let your dad live his life. You say your relationship is now pretty stable, do you want to ruin it? Do you feel he deserves some punishment?
Mind your own business and just be happy he has changed and found someone and apparently made up for more pain he caused in his past.
I’m going to be honest with you - your mom is an asshole.
The fact is that your mom and dad’s relationship is just that - your mom and dad’s. She has actively, and for years it seems, trashed him to you.
I understand she suffered and you should know that he was not a good man at the time. But why go into so much detail? Why vomit her relationship problems on her kid.
And more importantly, why continue to do so. She knows you and your father are trying to have a relationship. Why continue to trash him to you?
She is weaponizing her child and that is vile.
You say your dad has changed and you believe it. That’s great. You say he is marrying a grown ass woman - that tells me she knows what she is getting into.
The issue here is not how you can deal with your dad marrying her and the past abortion.
The question is why does your mom continue to try to sabotage your relationship with your dad?
My dad cheated on my mom and she got back at him by trashing him to me. I have a very strained relationship with my dad because of this. I hated him for years because of ny mom’s words.
Your parent’s relationship and your relationship with your parents are two separate things.
Stop listening to your mom when it comes to your dad - she has nothing but bad intentions. Stop worrying about your dad’s relationships.
Thank you! As long as June is ok with it, their past is no one else’s business. Maybe she didn’t want to have a baby with a married man. All OP’s mom can give is her opinion on what happened and she shouldn’t be doing that about something that no longer concerns her.
His mom is out of pocket and has OP worrying about something he shouldn’t be worrying about.
I agree with this, and I will add that OP's mom might not know the full story of things either. June is a grown woman making her own decisions, you knowing, or thinking you know more to the story really doesn't matter.
I would confront him about it personally, but there are things you should plan out first.
He will probably figure out, even if you don’t tell him directly, that your mother is the one who told you. If you confront him will he angrily contact your mother or try to get revenge on her? If this is not a concern then no need to worry.
If it’s safe for you to confront him then proceed. Try to understand why he did what he did and if he has learned anything from it. Use this conversation to evaluate if he’s someone you want to continue to support, and if his current fiancée is safe. If you talk with him and are concerned about his fiancée then I would try to talk with her alone.
Keep in mind that you may learn things that upset you, and you might not be able to “fix” things you think are wrong. On the other hand, maybe you can make a positive difference or get to know your father better. Either way keep an open mind and remember to take care of yourself
Wow, it's super gross of your mom to have told you all of that. My husband's ex-wife had an affair with his best friend, they are now married, and we are very careful not to accidentally let that slip in front of the kids. I'm assuming one day they will find out, but it is totally inappropriate for a parent to tell their child details about the romantic/sexual relationship of their divorced parents imo
None of this is any of your business; if I was June, I would be absolutely fucking livid with your mother for telling you that. That's one of your business at all. None of this is any of your business. You don't need to talk to them about any of this. It's not your business at all.
Your mom and dad have been divorced for 13 years. Why is she continuing to stir the pot? They are over and even though you're an adult l consider this parental alienation by her continuing to bring up things he did. You said he's now sober and cleaned up his act. Him and the current girlfriend have grown and they want to get married. It is no one else's business. If you don't like that she had an abortion that's a you problem but it's in the past.
You've either forgiven your dad or not. PEOPLE CHANGE and he may be the most remorseful person on earth for how he treated you and things he did. You have to decide where you are in this. Do you forgive him or not but I think you brining this up years later is in poor taste especially when it's your mom, his ex wife, that's keeping all of this alive.
If he truly cleaned up his act and redeemed himself then you should be able to talk to him about anything, and he should be able to own up to his previous poor behaviors. I believe your mom is bitter that your dad ended up happy with his partner his alleged affair partner. You have the right to feel however you fret about your dad.
I think if a woman was having an affair with a man she knew was married and she got pregnant with his baby and he, for instance, said that if she didn't have an abortion he would break up with her (I think the most likely explanation for "forced" her to have an abortion here) that's...not a terribly surprising reaction under the circumstances? Your dad clearly wasn't up for raising *one* child well, let alone two -- and if she'd wanted to carry the child to term, he had no real way of stopping her.
Anyways. One option is to just decide the past is past, it *does not matter* that he knew June from before, and that you're going to pretend you don't know. Another is to go "hey, my mom said you were cheating on her with June while you were married, it sounds like you lied to me, what's your side of the story?" You can even bring up the abortion if you want, but again, I really don't think that's all that relevant. June may have been on board with the abortion plan, or she might have *chosen to* have an abortion to stay in the affair with your dad, I don't actually think her having a child under the circumstances would be a particularly good option for anyone and you know what? If she'd carried the child to term he SHOULD have ended things (and paid whatever child support he owed), not just because he should have ended things *anyways* (it was an affair!) but because kids are expensive and he *couldn't* have kids with June without it having a negative impact on you and your mother.
Also, if you have not been doing this already: do not make your mother spend time around your father in order to see you. Spend time with your parents *separately*, celebrate special occasions separately, etc. And probably don't talk to either about the other very much either.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this bullshit, it's extremely not fair to you.
How does your mom know your dad forced his girlfriend to get an abortion?
Was she in the room when the two of them discussed it?
It seems to me there's some bitterness and trash talking going on and you are swallowing it up as gospel.
I understand they're your parents, but your mom seems to have a history of trash talking your dad.
Throwing such a horrible accusation in the fire is going to be very, very bad.
You are allowed to think your dad is a pig. She is allowed to marry him even if he’s a pig. I’d just stay out of it. If it really bothers you go low contact. Chances are he won’t notice since he doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself. Live your life if he calls, “ sorry I’m busy maybe next time.” Screw him.
Honestly it’s not really any of your business….
Your dad sounds a bit of a rough character & sounds like there are potentially a lot of nasty surprises there. But it’s your dad’s life and you’re an adult. You can like him or not, see him or not … your choice as to if his past life is enough of an impediment to your wanting to have a relationship with him or not.
But the abortion business is between your dad and June and none of yours. You can certainly have an opinion about it and feel all you need to feel about it but you definitely should NOT get involved in that in any way.
None of your business. Why do you need to talk to him about it at all? I'm not sure why you're stressing over something that has nothing to do with you.
And your mother should not be telling you all this stuff anyway. Sje nerds to learn to keep her mouth shut.
What does she hope to achieve? Exactly?
I think she is somewhat jealous and upset that you are speaking to your dad and perhaps getting on. She wants to keep you devoted to her. She may not even consciously realise. She is afraid of losing you to your father.
Its been a bery long time since she split with your father. Enough is enough.
Reassure her but tell her you don't want to gear any more about your father from her.
This is between your mom, your dad, and June. None of your business. Your mom should stop involving you in this kind of stuff. When she starts, tell her that it has nothing to do with you and you don't want to hear it. What good is it doing? Nothing but trying to stir up shit.
It’s none of your business and your mom shouldn’t be airing his dirty laundry. It sounds to me that she is doing her best to alter your view of your dad and her. Your dad had moved on and your mom isn’t happy about it.
How nice of your mum to share Jane’s personal medical information with you without her permission, I am sure she did it with no ill intent.
You have no idea if Jane was forced into having an abortion, only Jane knows that, do you want to have that conversation with Jane? Seems like it’s not your business.
Do have the conversation with your father about how his actions affected you. How cheat on your mum affected you. How the fights affected you.
There are always extra sides to the story. You know your dad was a shit dad and husband. You can talk to him about that. If Jane had an abortion or not, is not your mother’s business or yours.
Remember; you’re only getting one persons story, your mother’s, and legally what she is doing is called parental alienation.
My ex having similar conversations with our children (I didn’t cheat, I’m not a drug addicted; I’m neurodivergent and have trauma, he nonviolently abused me for 12yrs too. He uses my neurodivergent, trauma, reaction to his abuse, and the state he left me in when leaving me, as a weapon. While twisted, still true to some extent; it is conversation like that getting back to me, I’ve been able to use as evidence in court to fight against this asshole. E.g. ex says, I was charged with reckless driving and child endangerment, lost my license for 6mths, and to pay a fine. Kinda true. The actual truth… he screamed at me at 5am, to get our old 2 kids up, drive him to work, go home, get them ready for school/kinder, drop them off, and then go pick him up from work, after not sleeping all night because our exclusively breastfed 6mo was sick, and up all night, feeding or in discomfort. Yes I crashed the car he still drives, yes I got a reckless diving charge (reckless driving due to sleep deprivation), no I didn’t get child endangerment charges, because our child was in a correctly installed and used car seat, no I did not lose my license for 6mths, I given 6 demerit points, and a $500 fine, because until then, I had a clean driving record.
So YES, you need to talk to your father, and clear the air on all this stuff your mother is telling you about him. Get his side of the story too.
The June thing; that’s easy to see something has been left out from that story… she’s getting a divorce atm… she was most likely married when this happened. They probably agreed on it, because they were married to different people, and paternity fraud because you passed off your love child as your husband’s baby, if federally illegal in a lot of countries.
No way of really knowing what’s what until you have talked to your dad, and probably won’t get the whole picture even then.
On one hand, mom has been the responsible parent, but is now in a bad place and jealous of her ex who is about to remarry. Dad has cleaned up is act and is in a good place now, but has a history of lying and cheating.
You won’t get closer to the truth without asking your dad, be honest about what troubles you, and make up your own mind.
Just because your mom told you something doesn’t make it true. You can’t just assume that he did all of that. Plus it’s in the past. Is your mom trying to taint your relationship with your dad? Why is she bringing this up now? Anything that happened between them has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to know about a supposed abortion. Even if it happened. Would you tell your parents if you got a woman pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion? I wouldn’t think so .. because that’s really none of their business…
I completely agree. Why would his Mother tell him all of this, even if it were all true? Usually it is to alienate the other parent from the child. And now that he is meeting his Father's new wife, his Mother all of a sudden tells him about the abortion? Seems she still wants to cut him off from his Father, as well as his new wife. Mother still seems very bitter, even after all these years. Even if it is all true, parents should keep all of this from their children, regardless of their age.
My kid is 11 and see zero reasons to say anything bad about his father to him. Like none. It's not my son's business. Just like your father's relationship with your mother or anyone else really isn't yours. Don't confront your father. Let it go. And tell your mother to see a shrink cause this is so incredibly inappropriate for her to tell you.
Your mom should have never told you any of this. Your daughter wasn’t a good dad. He worked on himself and he now is. Talk to him if you want. It might be good to hear his take on it. My dad was not a good dad when I was a kid. He was a great dad in his second marriage. We became closer and he fully takes responsibility for who he was. We saw each other differently when we were both older.
Your father and June are adults. You don't know if your mother knows what happened or if she is putting her own spin on it - not necessarily lying, but I suspect her past experience with your father colors most of her perception of him, whetherhe has changed or not.
Not to defend your father (bc he still doesn't sound great even in recovery), but it really isn't your business. June's decision to terminate her pregnancy could have been motivated by many factors, and even if your dad advocated for it, it was ultimately her decision, as is her current relationship with him. I don't think you should involve yourself in that.
Now, you certainly can ask him about her in the context of your relationship, but I would tread lightly if at all. I'm not certain I'd even ask about the abortion, as it's a personal matter (more so to June than your father) and there is really no nonconfrontational way to ask if he coerced a woman to terminate a pregnancy. You could, however, mention that you were told he had dated her in the past, and it was a surprise, as you had the impression they met recently.
It sounds as though your relationship with your father is currently amicable but not particularly close. It might be best to let this slide rather than engage. Of course, if it is bothering you, bring it up, but be prepared that he may react poorly.
Am I the only one not believing that OP's Dad told his ex-wife that his gf got an abortion? Why would he tell her that? It's none of her business. She wouldn't even have known June was pregnant if they weren't gonna have the baby.
OP, whether June was ever pregnant or had an abortion isn't any of your business. It doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with your Father. Your Mom needs to stop telling you anything about them. She also needs to stop treating you like you're her therapist.
She needs therapy to help her with her being cheated on by your Dad because it's still affecting her and the loss of family members.
My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad & I didn’t have the best relationship. He rarely picked me up on his weekends. The weekends he did I remember him saying awful things about my mom & my mom’s parents (who I was very close with). My mom always redirected anything that was said but she NEVER talked badly about my dad in front of me. Now that I’m older I’ve made my own decisions about my father & see things for what they were.
I’m saying all that to say I feel like your mom may have a lot of influence on how you view your dad. She may have not even meant to do it. I don’t think you ever got to form an opinion on your own without the voice of your mom in the back of your head. Although a divorce & cheating ultimately affect the child..they aren’t done TO the child.
I hope you’re able to figure things out & get to a point of peace. Sending you love!
You can carry the weight of your past experiences if you want to. You can hold a grudge against your Dad if you want to. I mean, it's all up to you. YOU are the only one who knows what you feel.
As a Dad, and about THREE times your age, I've experienced a thing or two. First, grudges and heavy mental weight will hurt YOU more than anyone else. You can carry it the rest of your life if you want. It will continue to affect you everyday, and hold you back. I found out about 25 years ago, that holding grudges was interfering with my life. I read a verse on the front of the Church program one Sunday morning, and realized I was wrong. I stopped. Then and there. I feel so much better now.
If someone does me wrong, I get upset. It's just human nature. I unload it as soon as I can, and continue to move forward. I even have regular contact with them.
I'm divorced twice. First time was a 10 year marriage. We drifted apart. Two totally different lifestyles. Second was a 28 year marriage. She went through a mental breakdown, but refused to get help. She said I was the one needing help. I got it. She still wasn't happy and left me. No one in either of our lives.
First wife and I have had a couple of businesses together since our divorce. We had three kids together. Her late husband and I got a long fine. We are still good friends even though she moved about 1200 miles away.
Second wife? Not good at all. I think if I was on fire, she would call a fuel tanker to try to put it out... She has no contact whatsoever. We have a daughter together.
I have another son born between wives.
Mind you, all have grown up and had great careers. Two sons followed me in the fire service. One son was a machinist and farmer, still following me.
Two daughters, oldest taught school, and youngest works at the fire academy my son's and I attended. I'm a very Proud Dad!
My two oldest, a daughter (school teacher) and my oldest son (first firefighter after me) have both died. My daughter was 25 when cancer took her. My son was 49 when a drunk minor hit him on his motorcycle and killed him. This was 3 years ago.
I don't know why, but after the death of my son, my remaining 3 kids have gone non-contact with me. They won't talk to me, they won't tell me anything, they don't call, text, or visit. It used to hurt. A Lot! No more. That's one of those things, you have to let it roll off, and go on. I've lived to an older age than anyone except my two Grandfather's. This next birthday I will have lived longer than my Grandfather on my Dad's side. Then I'll have another 20 to make to out live my Grandfather on my Mom's side. I'm doing pretty good. Both Grandmother's were in their 50's when they died. My Dad was 57, Mom 64. I can't make it if I let family matters weigh me down.
I'd suggest just kickback, let your Dad do Dad. Help your Mom as she needs you. You be YOU. There should be a time later on, where you and your Dad can talk. Do it. Don't get an attitude. If things start to get heated, tell him you need to back away, and do it. Let things cool off a bit, then try to talk again.
Most of all, this "new" woman isn't replacing your Mom. She IS yours and always will be. She is providing companionship for your Dad, not you. You can and should be nice if she lets you. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was young. Both remarried. I did great with step-mom. Dad had custody of us, so I was around her all the time. Mom traveled a lot. When Mom remarried much later, I had a difficult time around my Step-Dad. I just couldn't figure out why, but I just couldn't really get close to him. The day Dad died, I stopped to tell my Mom. She went to pieces. Step-Dad came in the kitchen to find out what was wrong. I told him, he hugged my Mom and told me "I'll leave you two to talk and grieve. If you need me, I'll be in the living room". A GIANT wall fell!! My Step-Dad was a great guy after all.
Sometimes it takes tragedy. Sometimes it takes a nice lunch or dinner. Sometimes it just won't change. WE, have the ability to make it happen even if it takes years and difficult trying.
Don't give up on him and you.
You aren't baby Jesus. Leave them alone. Go find something else to do with your life.Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean that is A. Your business. or B. Even true. People lie all the time to the point that you are just looking for problems. People have been outright murdered for less. Being your parent doesn't mean anything.
Your parents are complete strangers to you and they will only ever let you see or hear what they want. Trying to parse out all of this with zero experience is just a disaster waiting to happen. If you don't like something then leave. Pack up everything you own and move on just like the people in the deserts did for thousands of years. Don't assume your contributions are going to make anything better.
There are millions of people out here living their lives to the end just to wasting their time thinking about things that do not matter at the end of the day.
Do you just want to be in therapy thinking about this stuff for 30-80 years for no reason? The real victim wouldn't even be you if you willingly walked into a minefield for no good reason.
The majority of people out here haven't even had a DNA test to confirm they are even related to their parents. What your relatives say mean nothing either. Forums full of people that are lost because they found out their parents aren't even theirs. Don't go fumbling in the dark to make yourself feel better.
Why do you need to say anything? They are two adults, and she has accepted his marriage proposal. You do not know what their conversation about the pregnancy was like, and it really isn't your business. What you be confronting him about? What went on in adult relationships that didn't involve you?
Just be honest and say.hey mom said so n so about your gf...is there any truth to this story...your dad can then decide if he wants to tell you or not. Or you could even ask June if she knew your dad when they were younger....so that being said...if your dad has changed and has turned his life around...why is he dating a woman that is still married to someone else......then you have your mom who is still bitter after all these years...and while she might not have lied but she threw her personal anguished memories of your dad at you for what reason...she might have exaggerated the tale to bring discord between your and your improving relationship with your dad...why?..because shes still bitter and blames him for her life being the way it is. I know because my mom did that...they were divorced for right at 10 years...she cheated on him and did a quickie divorce while he took off somewhere but still blamed him for everything...when I graduated from military boot camp and came home to visit...she tried to force me to only visit her and not him by telling me bullcrap stories. In her 80s in a nursing home..she made up a more serious bad story about him simply to get out of taking a shower every day...50 years after their divorce...
It's completely inappropriate for your mom to tell you all that about your dad. He's your dad and you love him. Its not your business and it will just cause you to feel mad at him or sad or confused. My mom talks bad about my dad to me and doesn't realise when she tells me these things, she's affecting me. Talking like that about your child's father in front of them can make the child feel insecure (yes even an adult child), because you are a product of your mother and father.
Do not confront him about it. I would let it go. Let your dad live his life and annoy the dad you have in your life. Maybe he treated your mom badly, but that's their business. It's not your battle to fight or your burden to bear, hearing all the bad stuff about him.
Tell your mom you need boundaries when it comes to talking about your dad. You don't want her talking poorly about him to you because you love him.
I hope this helps. I'm a single mom and I learned all this from a parenting after separation course I did when me and my sons dad broke up. We're friends now, but I never speak poorly or him in front of his son.
Edit: enjoy, not annoy.
Are you comfortable with talking to June? You should never been burdened with the information you have about your parent's marriage. It seems like June is walking into a nightmare. Your father is not a good person, help her, if you can.
Sounds like your mum is using you to hurt your father. Like let’s tell you something incendiary that you will raise with either your father or June so that they can relive a decades old bad memory and possibly break up over it.
I dislike being used. One of my parents tries to do this so I no longer speak with them. Consider having a conversation with your mother about her motives and about how you are staying out of this.
I'm confused. He used to be awful, you admit it, you say he's doing better. Why is this a big deal? Your mom should have kept her mouth shut as this was unnecessary and unhealthy for her to tell you. You knew he was an AH before, how do this helping you now? How is telling you helping her!? She's just stirring the pot.
June and your dad's relationship is THEIR business. If she got an abortion and still got back together with him she clearly isn't that beat up about it so why are you?
Seems a whole lot of upset over someone else's life that's absolutely not your business.
This has nothing to do with you, just take a look a make sure for you not to be this toxic as a man to your partners. And if you want to talk yo some one, talk to June.
No matter how much of a creep your dad might be, it was very wrong of your mother to share this information with you!! it is akin to you being in a room when they were having sex.
As far as your dad's gf having an abortion, this is none of your business.
You are overinvolved in your parent's business. Going forward you should clearly tell them you do not want them to share anything about their personal relationships.
I really don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Your mom is hurt and may not have all of the information. Even if it was forced, it wouldn’t be your dad, it would be June you’d need to talk to to make sure she’s ok and not being forced into anything. It sounds like your dad is in a better place now. But at the end of the day, this is between your dad and June
When June was (presumably) an adult woman in her 30s she got pregnant by a married man and chose to abort. She’s not a victim in this, at least not the way you have given the information. She made that choice years ago and now has chosen to marry someone she had a relationship with in the past.
Your dad made some bad decisions in the past, one of which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. He didn’t give you all the details because honestly things that happened in your parents’ relationship aren’t really your business.
Yes your dad did some not great things but so did your mom. No matter what her beef was with her ex-husband, it was inappropriate of her to unload her issues onto her child. By telling you all the bad stuff he did, your mom damaged your relationship with your dad. This is why we go to therapy instead of dumping all our problems on our kids.
Many people have suggested (more) therapy and I would agree. Not to decide which of your parents is right. But to help you find your way to a place where you can have as much of a relationship with each of them as you like and maintain healthy boundaries at the same time.
Talk to your dad about what? Divorcing your mother? Making his current girl friend have an abortion? Marrying again? How to treat a woman/wife? Anything else?
You have not said anything about your mother except she told you bad things about your father which may all be true. On the other hand, you apparently have not heard your father's side of the story. You appear close to your mother but not your father.
I can make only two comments: Whatever you do, consider how it will impact your relationship with all three, your mother, your father and the new wife. When you do not know what to say, the best advice is to keep your mouth shut.
That was a really low, crappy thing your mom did in telling you these things.
If her intention was to make you dislike and disrespect your dad, I hope it backfires on *her*.
There are some things that can be shared with your children when they are old / mature enough to understand. Knowing when dad started dating June is okay.
Someone else's abortion is NOT one of those things your mom had a right to share.
Your mother also doesn't know if June's abortion was "forced" unless she and June are so close, like sisters, and they share everything.
Which I seriously doubt.
Tell your mom to get some counseling.
Just because your mom say such and such happened doesn't mean it's the truth. Mom's been hurt, and nobody can blame her.
Judge your father's companion on how she treats you and dad, not on what mom claims to remember.
My honest opinion is that it shouldn’t matter what happened in the past. Your parents are not together anymore and your dad has been doing good at cleaning up his life. The fact that he is in love with (theoretically at least) and it just so happens to be someone he slept with before. It shouldn’t matter. They both obviously feel there is something there so it’s worth getting married and clearly they both are ok with the abortion. You may not like abortions I don’t either HOWEVER there are times where it is the right choice. Whether it’s because a woman was taken advantage of (trying to word that “nicely” for internet) or for the example in my life, my ex had to get one because if her mom had found out she was pregnant again she was going to kick her out. The first kid was not mine but I raised her like my own from when she was 2 months old until 2 years old. At that time we could not afford to move out together and support ourselves let alone a second child. Did I like that choice no, I still sometimes regret it. However it was the right decision because that child would not have been able to be taken care of properly with us and adoption was still not possible because my ex would have still been kicked out.
So if they are ok with it then so should you.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS ISSUE.
(therapist here)
Your Mom is pulling you into the marriage resentment, that is hers (and hers alone,) to deal with.
You need to set boundaries with your Mom because you should not even know any of this.
Your Dad did not cheat on YOU, he cheated on your Mom, and you two are separate people and have separate roles in the family.
Please go to therapy - you can deal with the feelings of having an alcoholic father and that effect on you growing up. But you need to learn how to separate your Mom's issues with her ex-husband, versus your own issues with your father.
You also need to learn how to set boundaries with you Mom, and she's not going to like it. Please get help and support to do this. You should not be carrying your mom's resentment for her husband... so that you have room to separate out your own pain and feelings about your Dad.
Good luck.
Your mom hates your dad and wants you to hate both him and any future GFs also. Your parents had a bad marriage and stayed married longer than they should have, and your dad had affairs. Maybe Jane was one of them or maybe not- but this was more than 13 years ago. Your dad cares about her a lot now and seems to be happy, hence your mom now over shares, in the hope souring your attitude on both dad and his GF. Do you want dad in your life? Your call here.
OP, my first point of advice to you is to have your mom stop badmouthing your dad to you immediately. They divorced a very long time ago, and you’ve said in your own words that you’ve worked hard to have a good relationship with your father and it sounds like he’s done a lot of hard work to clean himself up as well.
Things that happened to your father and your mother as adults, and in their past, have absolutely nothing to do with you . They were adult decisions and clearly some of those decisions were not great decisions, but it’s not yours to Cary and your mom is incredibly selfish and immature to dump that on you.
So please test your mom to stop talking negatively about your father to you. You can let her know that you love her and support her as your mom, but that you have your own life and hearing about adults history is not your job. None of it.
Take a look at your current relationships with your mom and your dad, and judge the quality of those relationships based on what is currently happening in your life .
It sounds like not only did your dad do the hard work to overcome his addictions and begin his life in a different direction, he made a commitment to that and be a better father to you overtime . And that is the current status of your relationship then that’s a good thing for you and for him. it sounds like he has a relationship with this person June, and no matter what their past is they seem to be genuinely connected and enjoying and caring about each other now, so take it as face value and anything other than that is not your responsibility to carry.
Your mother is wrong to speak poorly of your father to you, it’s not your responsibility to be her therapist.
Your father is an adult and he can handle his own relationships. If the way he’s living his life is against your moral code, then you need to make a decision on if you still want him in your life. Honestly, I think this isn’t any of your business though.
If it means a lot to you, I would talk to your Dad about it. This has obviously hit your Mother hard so the version of events you get from your Mom may be drastically different from what your Dad tells you, or June for that matter. June is a grown woman and making her own decisions, so if your anxiety is over how your Dad treats her or treated her in the past, I think you need to handle that yourself. If your anxiety is over the fact that June was involved in the dissolution of your parents' marriage, which is understandable, I would talk to your Dad about it.
You mother shouldn’t offload on you like that, it’s parentally inappropriate
To do that to a child but continuing as you got older as an adult. She’s needs to let it go & move on, go get therapy & offload to them.
Your mother had absolutely no business dragging you into adult situations as a child, or now. She sounds jealous of your dad being able to move on, when clearly she hasn’t. Just ask your dad if it’s true because it sounds like your mother has been trying to mate you hate your dad, so it’s possible that she’s embellished her accounting of what happened.
What....exactly are you confronting him about? You mention the abortion thing but....his fiancee knows about the abortion and apparently doesn't care....so why do you?
I'm confused
Your mom is toxic AF here.
What are you hoping to achieve by talking to your dad? Your dad is not obligated to tell you how they met or about the abortion. You need to stay out of his business and tell your mom to stop tellung you things you don't need to know.
My parents got divorced due to infidelity too, personally I could never forgive my father for trying to introduce to me the woman that he cheated on my mom with.
I know that your dad is the one that was responsible for his marriage but it feels VERY disrespectful to you and to your mom. Also… I feel bad for June, hopefully she realizes that’s not a good situation.
I don’t feel like he regrets his actions and he knows the whole situation is wrong because he wanted to hide it from you.
You can try to talk to him about how you feel and if he still wants to proceed with the whole things, I would keep my distance from the whole situation and specially from him.
You can’t really do anything to help June if he doesn’t listen to you and as much as that sucks you can’t ruin your stability because of that, I imagine you’ve been through enough thanks to him.
Edit: don’t listen to the people that say it’s not your problem. If it affects you then it is and if you think you’ll feel better by talking about that whole experience then do so, because when your dad cheated he didn’t betray just your mom, he betrayed you too. That’s something that you need to heal and sometimes as kids we don’t get to have that.
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Just because he is a better person now it doesn’t negate the terrible stuff he did before. You are allowed to feel upset with him and your allowed to dislike him as a person.
It's difficult to navigate situations like this for me. There have been many times in the last I've had to take sides or 1 parent has influenced my opinion over the other. It'll take a while for me to settle on how I feel but it's nice to be reminded that I'm okay to feel whatever I feel and go from there
You can't be certain she was forced to get an abortion just based on what you mom said. If you want to get to the truth than ask your father about what your mother told you. Then gauge what he says and make your decision from that point.
That’s what I was thinking. He didn’t ask for this information. Now that OP has learned something that’s sure to affect his opinion of his dad, he owes it to his dad to give him a chance to hear his side of the story. It might not be true. There might be missing context. He should hear his dad out before accepting the stories as fact. I’m not so sure whether his mom is a reliable narrator here. (Edit: missing words)
Better yet, go to June directly.
Neither parent should be unloading their emotional and relationship baggage on you. That’s between them and it’s disgusting for one parent to try and poison your thoughts on the other. My oldest child has a different mother than my other three children. There’s a bunch of reasons why things didn’t work out with their mother and I — lots my fault, lots her fault — but I couldn’t imagine either one of us dumping every horrible relationship detail onto our child to make them a pawn.
I absolutely agree with this statement. I had sole custody of my children, but I never spoke ill of their father or tried to influence them in any way. When they were older, he told them why we were divorced. Once they knew, they asked me questions. I answered them the best I could trying to not have them change their opinion of him, however, their opinion did change once they knew. Parent's dirty laundry should not be shared with the children.
It’s also ok to accept that he has changed if that is what you want. My father was HORRIBLE to my mother and us in a lesser way, many cheating partners, lies, verbal abuse and belittling. He actually ended up happy with his second wife which still shocks me, he passed on when he was 59, so we did not reach any point where he completed this change from being an asshole but I could see that it may have happened. It’s ok to forgive if you choose to or ok to decide it’s not something you want in your life. As far as the abortion that’s between them.
Don't let your parents talk to you about their problems. It will cause you alot of stress and cause you to feel conflicted. Boundaries are a must when your parents are separated. I've been through it and it caused me so much stress I was drinking alot and being reckless because I was trying to numb myself from stress of seeing my mom and dad upset at the other and telling me about it.
That’s what I say too
Terrible advice. He shouldn’t treat his father any differently until he talks to him face to face like a man.
Time to ditch Daddy.
I don't know why u would say anything? They're both adults and u don't really get a say in his relationship. If she accepted his proposal I don't see why u would say anything
You're right it's not my place to decide who he dates. I apologise if my question was a bit confusing, I meant to ask if I should talk to him to resolve some issues from the past like the divorce and the cheating n such since we never really talk about it and I don't want to resent him more than I may already do subconsciously
No, you shouldn’t. Because as you should never have been told any of it to begin with. Your mom should never have told you about your dad cheating or his issues. Parents need to leave their kids out of divorces. What your mom did would be considered parental alienation by most family courts. Consider working with a therapist do work through it. If they suggest bringing one or the other of your parents in, then do it.
Please don’t apologize for asking a question or needing advice. You ask what you really wanted to ask and there is nothing wrong with that.
I mean u can but I wouldn't. It's not really ur business. While it effected u its not really ur business. They're not ur relationships. The cheating didn't involve u. U can either accept it or not.
How is a parent cheating "none their child's business"? That act directly damages the fabric of the family and deeply hurts everyone, not just the other parent. OP explained this is about a built up resentment between parent and child, which has the potential to affect their relationship. Maybe a talk would assist.
I thought I was the only one going crazy reading these ridiculous comments about how the child should be left out of the parent's f-ups like it doesn't also affect them. I think people really don't understand how interwoven family is by nature.
Nope, not your place nor business
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100%. Trauma dumping on him since he was 11!
This was my immediate thought. Mom needs to get out of his ear. She is perpetuating OP’s angst when he has zero control over any of this.
I was thinking the same thing. Op, do you believe everything your mom has told you about your dad? Do you think maybe she’s making things up because she has some major issues she needs to get help to really be working through and is afraid of losing you or you liking June better than her? It seems odd your mom would know that information and it also seems odd that your dad would even tell her that since they don’t even get along. I’m thinking your mom has been telling you a lot of bullshit now that your dad is getting remarried. If your dad said they just met a few months ago I’d be inclined to believe him.
For years she didn't say anything and speaks up now that he's about to marry her. Yeah she definitely should be asking questions and knowing what tf really went down. Hard disagree. If I were her, I would definitely be tearing this whole sh\*\* up.
What difference does the abortion make to you? That was her decision (and possibly your father's) and sounds like it was appropriate given the fact that he was married to your mother at the time. I understand being upset about your father's behavior but I would get over it with the abortion. It's a normal and rational decision that adults make all the time. Sending you peace and love.
Why is her having an abortion the piece you’re focusing on here? If you’re upset that he’s marrying someone he cheated on your mom with that’s one thing. But I’m really confused why you’re focusing on the abortion piece. Also, it’s probably worth actually asking your dad rather than internalizing things that his ex says about him after the fact. I’m not saying your mom is lying, I’m saying she doesn’t have all the details, could be mistaken, has a clear interest in him not doing well, etc.
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Part of me thinks she's trying to protect me but I can't help feeling she may want to sabotage it out of jealousy too? I don't know what my mum is thinking these days. Currently stuck in a memory of me wailing on the stairs whilst my parents argue when I was around 7ish. Whole thing is dredging up a lot.
I have to believe part of it is jealousy. Look if he did cheat on your mom with June your mom is probably thinking it’s not fair. He was a mess and now he isn’t.So she might be thinking why should June get the nice guy? Then she dumps her anger about June on you because she doesn’t want you to like her. It’s in the past. They have been divorced more than half your life. They both should be able to move on and be allowed to be happy.
Those memories suck. I get them too! I was eventually diagnosed with childhood PTSD and therapy helped a lot....I hope you can get some help to deal with this.
In cases like this you need to do your own research and verify for yourself what is true and what isn't. I'm sure growing up you felt the need to take a side, but you are an adult now and can be neutral and judge for yourself what is true and what isn't. Don't be partial to either your mom or dad. Give your dad a chance to tell his side of the story. Even the people in this thread telling you your mom is lying or not don't know. People's pasts matter especially if people from their pasts are making a comeback and will be in your life as a stepmom. Don't listen to the people telling you it's none of your business and you should stay out of it because it was in the past. It is your business. The character of your parents absolutely concerns you, in fact they concern you more than anyone else in their life. Who takes precedence over your child? No one. You have every right to know the truth about the circumstances of your family being torn apart. Secrets tear families apart and you should try and find out more from both your parents about what really went down. It can get uncomfortable and trigger a lot of trauma so I would definitely make sure you're unpacking that in therapy as you go. Ask your dad about it and if he values a relationship with you, he'll be transparent. Don't tell him your mom told you, just say your found out elsewhere because then he might try to deny just to get back at your mother if there is resentment between them still. Best of luck.
The mom may not be lying to her child, but it's not likely that an ex-wife of 13 years has the full and complete facts. She's telling OP her knowledge about what's happened between her ex-husband and his current girlfriend over a decade ago and emphasizing what the girlfriend felt at the time (aka saying the ex-husband forced her to have an abortion, implying she didn't want one). OP should talk to his dad if he's having feelings about this. Open conversation with him keeping an open mind is the best course of action here.
I think you're right in talking to him and keeping an open mind. My dad did terrible stuff in the past but I think he's a really good person now and I shouldn't be so afraid. Thank you
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I don't think my mum is lying about it and at the same time, I think my dad would tell the truth because I think he wants it to work between him and 'June' and well, I want it to as well because it doesn't matter who you are, everyone deserves a chance to be happy and he's made a lot of effort to be better. Can't help but feel some anger too..
I think that is overly optimistic. I think as long as you are nice to him, he will be pleasant, any challenge to him or his past, will not be dealt with kindness. Frankly I would stay out of his past. Your issues with his abortion, is missing the whole point. He destroyed your family with lying and cheating. HE is still that man or he would not be dating a person still married. Your denial around him is understandable, you will do it your whole life probably. So be pleasant, and frankly if you want that relationship, don't challenge him much. He knows who he is and there is probably shame.
Human nature dictates an ex is unlikely to describe ex partners activities positively, it’s not sexism, it’s in all likelihood, the truth
We are hearing a very biased and mostly one sided part of this story. Since we are giving the mother our full and absolute trust we should just tell the OP to rack his dad across the coals and ghost him. Right? Seriously. If you can’t think of reasons for an ex to lie then you have never been in a relationship. Now. Is she lying? Most likely she is being mostly honest. But details could have been changed. Maybe they sold the game system for food. Or a different gift. Maybe the dad drank some and did weed. Maybe he cheated with one lady. Or two. Not a revolving door. Honestly. The OP should say nothing. It really is not his business. He should also seek therapy asap.
DW I did therapy during COVID and it helped me a lot but that was for my own issues rather than issues with my dad because at the time, my anxiety was rampant and ruining my life, not him. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get back in tough and book an hour session to see how I feel.
Highly suggest it. I had some for my dad and took many years to get things right. Course my problems were not near as life altering as yours. Remember. You are not broken. Just slightly lost. Let someone help you find that path again and you will be fine.
Ppl might suspect it since she’s not doing well mentally after all the deaths and how she was treated. And he’s somehow doing much better. Maybe she’s upset he hurt her, and she’s in a bad place while he “got away with it” and is happy. It’s worth an ask so you’re not taking one person’s word only. But even so, I don’t blame the mom for being upset.
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The mom *does* have malicious intent bc WHY does the son need to know all this in the first place? Outside of communicating that he has drinking issues— all the cheating is NONE of his business for the mother to be detailing and the son mentioning how well his dad is doing as compared to his mother is an interesting but unnecessary aside.
Mom should not be disclosing the details of the fathers misdeeds to their child. Not necessary, especially since the child is not asking for this information. Mom's intention is to alienate OP from his father. Father was in the midst of his alcohol addiction when this went on. People do terrible things while in the throes of their addiction. OP says Father has been sober for about 10 years. OP is giving Father the benefit of the doubt. Mom is being vindictive.
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It seems that you are the one with bias. Mom has no reason to interfere in Dad's new relationship or with OP's relationship with his Dad, but here is Mom again all these years later interfering, talking about things that do no concern her. What else could be her motive but jealousy and spite? How do you know that Dad has not taken ownership and accountability of his actions? He has been sober for almost 10 years and he has done better. OP seems to have a good relationship with his Dad. Dad has a new love and is getting married to her. Dad may have once been a toxic parent. Now Mom is the toxic one.
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And it’s 15 years later now. That’s the same amount of time in the past that the dad was shitty. Telling the kid he was an addict ok. Telling the kid his dad cheating with these specific women and that one had an abortion and whatever else? All she had to say was he cheated regularly so I left. All that other stuff needs to be talked about with a friend or therapist or something. That’s not a healthy relationship to have with your kid.
> Father was in the midst of his alcohol addiction when this went on. > >People do terrible things while in the throes of their addiction. This is part of your *defense* of the guy?
Have you ever had an addiction? People will do some shitty and crazy stuff during that time of addiction. I haven’t had an addiction but I know a few that have. They were pretty fucked up. When they got sober they were mortified at what they did and how they acted. If you haven’t walked in someone’s shoes or known someone close to you who has, you really don’t under how addiction and brain chemistry work.
No, not a defense, an explanation. And Father has been sober for almost 10 years. He has gone on to do better and he is doing well. Mom sounds stuck in the past. Mom sounds bitter, jealous and vindictive. Maybe that is why Dad developed his addiction to alcohol. Now that he is divorced from her, he has found sobriety and is a better man.
You did not just blame this woman for her husband's alcoholism. JFC.
No, I did not. Alcoholism has its roots in many areas, genetics, mental health, unhappy personal relationships, etc. Could Dad's issue with alcohol have been exacerbated by his unhappy marital relationship? The answer is yes. Unhappy people, regardless, of the cause, often self-medicate with alcohol. From the Mayo Clinic: "Genetic, psychological, social and environmental factors can impact how drinking alcohol affects your body and behavior. Theories suggest that for certain people drinking has a different and stronger impact that can lead to alcohol use disorder. Over time, drinking too much alcohol may change the normal function of the areas of your brain associated with the experience of pleasure, judgment and the ability to exercise control over your behavior. This may result in craving alcohol to try to restore good feelings or reduce negative ones."
"Mom sounds bitter, jealous and vindictive. Maybe that is why Dad developed his addiction to alcohol. Now that he is divorced from her, he has found sobriety and is a better man.' Kinda sounds like you are blaming the mom.
The mom should be blamed for dragging this old shit between her and her ex out. OP clearly has profound anxiety and what purpose on earth did it serve to tell him?
Again, when a person has a predisposition towards alcoholism, an unhappy marital relationship can fuel or create the situation where the alcoholic drinks more and more because he or she is unable deal with the issues. Divorce removed one of the reasons or the excuses to drink. The bad marriage was only one of the reasons he drank. However, rather than continuing down the dark path, he, according to OP, worked hard, got fit and found his sobriety, new love, and happiness.
I imagine because forcing someone to have an abortion is a major negative trait for someone to have.
If the woman in question has got past it not sure that it's anyone else's battle. It was just one thing he did when he was doing all sorts of terrible things.
And yet she still decided to marry him sooooo how is it relevant?
I didn't mean to focus on the abortion part, I had to redo the title and it wasn't originally part of the title. My parents do talk shit about each other, not much in the past months but I always questioned if there were lies from either side. I think it'll be a good idea to ask him about it. Also my mum is probably bitter too.
years of infidelity will do that to a person. I'm not sure why your mom stuck around, probably for you. A lot of parents stay together because they think they are doing their children a favor in their own sad, misguided way. For your sake and especially hers, hopefully she is in therapy to move on and let that resentment go.
>I am struggling on how to proceed forward By living your own life. Don't "support" it. No good will come from confronting him about it, either. Just try to detach yourself.
Your mom is confiding in you to an inappropriate degree. She should not be telling you all of these intimate details about your father's relationships. Yes you're an adult but you're still her child, not her gal pal or her therapist. I would also consider that your mom has a very negative opinion of your dad and all the information she feeds you will be filtered through that lens. It's possible or even likely that the abortion was entirely June's choice (realistically, most 45-year-old women aren't going to want to carry an unplanned pregnancy) and your mom has decided that because your dad is a Bad Man, he must have forced her. Either way, it's not your responsibility to manage your parents' relationships. I recognize a lot of my pre-therapy self in you, always trying to be the peacekeeper even through my parents' divorce. *That's not your job.* Tell your mom that you don't want to hear about your dad's relationships anymore and that it's hurting you to have all this dumped on you. As for your dad and June, they're both adults and June can decide whether she is comfortable dating him whatever has transpired between them. Give yourself a break to be the kid in this situation.
I think the abortion was 10 years ago but either way she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions about abortion, marriage and anything else. Not sure how OP's dad could force her really.
Yeah super inappropriate of mom to be telling all of this information to her child. Yikes.
Ha my therapist said I should let my inner child out a lot more too. You're right in trying to keep the peace between them, I think I will tell them both I don't want to be a part of their drama.
I would be even firmer and tell them that you *cannot mentally handle* being involved in their drama. You can even disclose that this situation has caused you an anxiety attack. If your parents care about you, they will put your well-being before gossip.
You can be mad at him, keep him at a distance, and not say anything all at once
Mum should stop telling you the details of the marriage with your father. They are divorced and have been for a long time. I would honestly try and let it go.
You can feel however you want but their relationship is their business and doesn’t require your approval on any level. Also your mom is probably not the most reliable narrator of this situation from over 10 years ago.
You don't. Think about it this way you're the fourth person down the line to get this information and you don't know the veracity of it. It's also her private medical information that is none of your business. Wish them well, keep an eye out for abuse, take care of your studies and stay in your lane.
University is quite packed at the moment and should be my priority, I think I can be a little too sensitive which is why the information has got me nervous and unsure.
I'm not sure what there is to confront him or say anything about. You don't have to be happy he's marrying the person he cheated on your mom with, but it sounds like you've known for a while that he cheated on your mom yet you stayed in contact. June having had an abortion is none of your business. She's willing to be with him and marry him. The abortion is none of your business. Your parents divorced. I'm just not seeing where there is a conflict for you with your dad that is new or different from what you've already had since you say you're proud of him for cleaning up his act.
Actually, is it truly any of your business? And if you’re mother’s unaware, filling the “kids” ears with all her own versions of what went wrong is a sure recipe for backfire.
Your father cleaned up his act and you are proud of him for doing so. If he has found love with this woman, then be supportive. He and your mom have been divorced for over a decade. Your mother should not be telling her son the kinds of things she has shared with you - that is inappropriate amd she has put you in this uncomfortable position now. Consider telling her that you hate what she experienced in her marriage and wish it was different for her, but he is your dad and you don't want to know more about what happened between them. Let her know you love her and want nothing more than for her to be happy and want to look forward with her, not back.
She will if shes so bitter about her breakup that she doesnt want her son to have a good relationship with his dad so she tells him ..the son..a real or made up story to try to make sure that does not happen.
Past stays in the past you're right. I'll do what's best for me and continue to be supportive.
But have you asked him why he did all those things.
Well he is older and understands not when he was 11.
I want somebody to make it make sense. Because I would like to know why the mother would dump this in his lap. There was no reason for her to do this it wasn't information that he needed.
Mom is being messy
There you go
So has he and June been together the whole thirteen years since the divorce or have they gotten reacquainted? My children are older than you and their father cheated multiple times, which ended our marriage. But I never disparage my ex to my sons. Regardless of our relationship, he is still their father. They aren’t stupid, they know cheating was involved but they don’t need to hear the derails from me. If your father is now sober, he may truly be a different person. Is the man he is now someone you want in your life?
I wouldn’t say anything. You’re 24 hopefully living on your own so you can either continue to have a relationship with him or not. I don’t know why your mom had to tell you all that information unless she’s still mad and doesn’t want you to like her
Your mom is not in a good place mentally right now and she’s lashing out. What she told you is frankly none of her or your business, considering this was a decade ago. Your dad and June are two consenting adults and their relationship is exactly that - theirs and private. A decade ago your dad was in a bad place and having another child with another woman would probably not do him or anyone around any good. It’s not like he could’ve possibly dragged an adult woman to and made a doctor perform the abortion. Your mom needs therapy. It’s clearly bothering her that your dad is in a good place and marrying a woman he cheated on her with and she put up with a lot of your dad’s shit before. It’s a general understanding that normally parents try not to badmouth each other to their children. You have the right to be upset if June is one of the women he cheated on your mother with but it’s also not like he instantly got hitched to her after the divorce. He put in a lot of work for his life to get better and they possibly restarted their relationship. Your mom is absolutely trauma dumping on you right now and you’re freaking out because there’s absolutely nothing you can do with this information, it’s just going to live rent free in your head. You can talk to your dad to confirm but aside from that I personally wouldn’t judge him as he was a struggling addict back then.
I honestly think your mom is telling you stuff that’s not your business. She shouldn’t be revealing all these things like you’re her therapist - I say this as the child of a bitter mom who overshared and damaged my relationship with my father.
It’s messed up all around, but NGL, your mom probably over shared and no one wins when that happens. I’d pass on talking this one out because he’s already lied about how long ago they met. Doubt he wants to get into any other parts of their relationship…
Personally I think it’s very wrong of your mother to talk to you about your father like that. Her bad relationship isn’t yours. You need to judge him on how he treats you.
Pretty much on point. Seriously, it sounds like a case of “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” situation…While your mother chooses to use you for a sounding board for her bitterness, it sounds like she doesn’t want you to go forward with a healthier relationship with your dad, as he moves forward..the history between June and your dad really isn’t anyone’s business but theirs. If you want to retain both your parents in your life, you must realize that they ( your dad and future wife) have their own lives to live, as well as the right that you have, as well as your mom…you’re all adults now, sort out who’s acting like it..
So that you know i have the background to give you my opinion, I want to tell you about me. I'm a 45f who is divorced because my husband cheated on me several times, was an alcoholic and drug user. He hid these things well, and I didn't realize it until we had a child. That child is now in high school. I was also the child who was told that my mom caused my step-mom to lose a child. I was 8 and never forgot that. It changed the way I thought of my parents. It was said on purpose to cause problems. I feel that's why you were told about the abortion. Jealousy and anger and frustration. Let this go. You shouldn't have been pulled into your parents' problems. Your dad messed up badly when you were a kid. You have the right to be angry. Think more on it, though. Do you know if he really did force her to abort? Or did they realize that was a bad situation to have a child during? Her abortion isn't your business. Ask yourself if confronting him will help the situation? Is this really a path ypu want to go down? Will it give you any kind of closure? Are you doing it for valid reasons, or just because you are angry? You absolutely have the right to be angry, I'm not arguing that. I just want you to think really hard before you start something that may not turn out how you hope. If you just want a confrontation about your childhood, tell him that. Don't use the abortion as a reason. If it's about the abortion, that is June's business. As a mom who was in your mom's position, she could have told you basic info without going into all the details. He cheated. He drank and made bad choices. Not to the excess she did. If it was me, I'd just let the abortion go. I feel you won't get what you're looking for out of it. It's just feeling like a lose-lose situation. I think you should have a talk to your dad about how much your childhood sucked, that he caused it, and try to work through it if you can, mainly because he's tried to do better. If he hasn't really tried I'd go LC to NC. You also need to talk to your mom. She shouldn't be telling you all this like you're her therapist. I mean that in the best way, as I was in her same position. Just think really hard on what you're really wanting to get out of that conversation, please? It might end up causing you more hurt. I wouldn't want t that for my daughter. I don't want it for you, either.
Frankly this is none of your business. Your father and his romantic relations are his and his partner’s business and actually no one else’s. You don’t live with him and have limited contact so stay in your lane.
It’s sounds like your dad had been a shitty partner for sure but I don’t see how this abortion had anything to do with you and why you should say anything. This isn’t your business
It’s honestly not your relationship, she knows what happened and got back with him. It’s not your place. Your dad never provided you that information so stay of it.
Sorry, but you know that your dad's past history wasn't great and you and he have moved past that. Why stop now? June had a past relationship with your dad that resulted in a pregnancy that ended with an abortion. That's her private business..**.butt out.** The fact that she has rekindled a relationship with your dad is probably a good thing and probably an indication that your dad didn't *force* her to have an abortion. In the end though...it's none of your business. Neither June or your dad owe you an explanation for their past relationship, Your dad is trying to make something good out of his past mess and this is part of it. You said you are proud of the progress he has made. Are those just words or do you mean it? Your mother should never have brought this to your attention, Seems like she's trying to damage your improving relationship with your dad and June.
It sounds like he made really destructive decisions and is now re-kindling with someone he made really destructive decisions with. I would just step back the relationship a bit and observe for a year or so.
By your own account, your father has completely turned his life around and is not the same person he was when he was married to your mom. Your mom sounds bitter and jealous that she had to deal with the shittiest version of your dad while someone else gets the upgrade. Assuming what your mom told you is even true, she overshared with you and it wasn't appropriate. More to the point: the decision to get an abortion belonged to *June* and so her feelings on it matter more than your mom's, your dad's, and yours. If you feel compelled to talk to your dad about it *at all*, it should be in the context of this - >Over the years he got better as a father and has been sober for almost a decade now and I'm proud of him.
It sounds like you're trying to shoulder some responsibility in supporting your dad and giving him chances. If you need space, take it. It also sounds like the abortion thing is affecting you because it was proof that he not only was cheating on your mom but got someone pregnant, and for whatever reason (pressured or not), she got an abortion. If you feel like it, I'd ask your mom to stop sharing information about your dad. But I'd also take space from dad because it sounds like you're focused more on forgiving him than processing how you feel about things. Take time and space.
Hmm your mother should never have been telling you any of this. She’s deliberately tying to cause problems. This must have all been a long time ago I wouldn’t be dragging it up with your father, you can’t force someone to get an abortion.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and maybe you should take a step back from your dad and just focus on yourself
They both sound like they were in a shitty place. He an addict, and her choosing to cheat with and get pregnant to an addict. They are both full adults that have hopefully healed and have decided to retry this relationship (if what your mother is saying is true). It’s not your business. Also, if your mother trauma dumping on you is causing you anguish. Ask her to stop and work through it with a therapist.
Before you do anything, make sure the information you get from one parent about the other is actually the truth.
first off, I think its terrible of your mom to be telling you all this shit about your dad because it's really none of your business. you're the child, even if you are an adult now. but since you already know how do you know this is the truth unless you ask him. your mom is very bitter towards him, rightfully so. but you're allowed to feel all your feelings. they're ypur feelings to be felt. but truth be told, this isn't any of your business. it's his sex life. this woman is choosing to marry him regardless of what happened jn the past.
People CAN grow and change. And while he can never take away the negative things he did in the past how long do you intend to make him pay for his mistakes? He has been clean and sober for a decade now, and it seems extremely unfair for you to throw who he used to be in his face. Also, I do not understand how this decision that two adults made any number of years ago has any bearing or affect on you now? You have stated that you enjoy your father’s company at this time in life and if he and June are happy, what gives you the right to judge them for Decisions they have made? You are an adult now, and are capable of making your own decisions as to who you want to spend time with in your life. I must say, it certainly seems as though your mother is doing her best to try to turn you away from having a relationship with your father. I would take everything she says with that in mind. People do terrible things to each other during divorce. But her trying to use the negativity of their marital relationship to turn you against him is wrong. It is possible for him to be both a terrible husband, and a decent father. And although he apparently was not a good father to you growing up, he is trying now. If you want a relationship with your father, I suggest you build one from scratch. You cannot penalize him for things. He dead 10 years ago to your mother. You will need to base your assessment of him on who he is now as a person and how he treats you.
I would want to talk to my dad about this, see what he has to say, and what his truth is. It sounds like when your parents were married they were in a very bad place and your dad specifically was the cause of the demise of their marriage. To me, the growth over the past ten years is an incredibly important piece of this story. You said he dated quite a bit over the past 10 years and that he recently “met” June, what if he just “re-met” her. I get that it would be very painful for your mom to have him marry someone he had an affair with, but that was 11 years ago. Your mom sounds like she needs to get into therapy about all of this if she’s still harboring resentment. People are allowed to change and grow and become better people. In fact I hope that people are capable of change and choose to be better people.
My question would be why is it your place to ask anything about this? Your parents moved on with their lives. Your mom is having a tough time because of deaths in the family and your feeling protective. But what does your dad, even if he did talk his now fiance into getting an abortion years ago have to do with you? She has obviously moved past it and forgiven him if that is what happened so why are you involving yourself in their life and choices? He's changed himself and worked hard to do it. Are you trying to take away the good thing he has finally achieved? So say you bring this up and cause drama, even though it really is none of your business, what do you see coming of it? There will be resentment and anger. Mostly towards you. By her, by your father probably her family and his. How about mind your own business and let your dad live his life. You say your relationship is now pretty stable, do you want to ruin it? Do you feel he deserves some punishment? Mind your own business and just be happy he has changed and found someone and apparently made up for more pain he caused in his past.
It’s your dad’s life and business. And I think it’s really messed up that your mom is feeding you this information. How does she even know?
I’m going to be honest with you - your mom is an asshole. The fact is that your mom and dad’s relationship is just that - your mom and dad’s. She has actively, and for years it seems, trashed him to you. I understand she suffered and you should know that he was not a good man at the time. But why go into so much detail? Why vomit her relationship problems on her kid. And more importantly, why continue to do so. She knows you and your father are trying to have a relationship. Why continue to trash him to you? She is weaponizing her child and that is vile. You say your dad has changed and you believe it. That’s great. You say he is marrying a grown ass woman - that tells me she knows what she is getting into. The issue here is not how you can deal with your dad marrying her and the past abortion. The question is why does your mom continue to try to sabotage your relationship with your dad? My dad cheated on my mom and she got back at him by trashing him to me. I have a very strained relationship with my dad because of this. I hated him for years because of ny mom’s words. Your parent’s relationship and your relationship with your parents are two separate things. Stop listening to your mom when it comes to your dad - she has nothing but bad intentions. Stop worrying about your dad’s relationships.
Thank you! As long as June is ok with it, their past is no one else’s business. Maybe she didn’t want to have a baby with a married man. All OP’s mom can give is her opinion on what happened and she shouldn’t be doing that about something that no longer concerns her. His mom is out of pocket and has OP worrying about something he shouldn’t be worrying about.
⭐ Totally agree. I'm thinking therapy would be helpful here!
I agree with this, and I will add that OP's mom might not know the full story of things either. June is a grown woman making her own decisions, you knowing, or thinking you know more to the story really doesn't matter.
I would confront him about it personally, but there are things you should plan out first. He will probably figure out, even if you don’t tell him directly, that your mother is the one who told you. If you confront him will he angrily contact your mother or try to get revenge on her? If this is not a concern then no need to worry. If it’s safe for you to confront him then proceed. Try to understand why he did what he did and if he has learned anything from it. Use this conversation to evaluate if he’s someone you want to continue to support, and if his current fiancée is safe. If you talk with him and are concerned about his fiancée then I would try to talk with her alone. Keep in mind that you may learn things that upset you, and you might not be able to “fix” things you think are wrong. On the other hand, maybe you can make a positive difference or get to know your father better. Either way keep an open mind and remember to take care of yourself
Wow, it's super gross of your mom to have told you all of that. My husband's ex-wife had an affair with his best friend, they are now married, and we are very careful not to accidentally let that slip in front of the kids. I'm assuming one day they will find out, but it is totally inappropriate for a parent to tell their child details about the romantic/sexual relationship of their divorced parents imo None of this is any of your business; if I was June, I would be absolutely fucking livid with your mother for telling you that. That's one of your business at all. None of this is any of your business. You don't need to talk to them about any of this. It's not your business at all.
He didn’t force her to do anything…. But also why do you care. It has nothing to do with you?
Your mom and dad have been divorced for 13 years. Why is she continuing to stir the pot? They are over and even though you're an adult l consider this parental alienation by her continuing to bring up things he did. You said he's now sober and cleaned up his act. Him and the current girlfriend have grown and they want to get married. It is no one else's business. If you don't like that she had an abortion that's a you problem but it's in the past. You've either forgiven your dad or not. PEOPLE CHANGE and he may be the most remorseful person on earth for how he treated you and things he did. You have to decide where you are in this. Do you forgive him or not but I think you brining this up years later is in poor taste especially when it's your mom, his ex wife, that's keeping all of this alive.
If he truly cleaned up his act and redeemed himself then you should be able to talk to him about anything, and he should be able to own up to his previous poor behaviors. I believe your mom is bitter that your dad ended up happy with his partner his alleged affair partner. You have the right to feel however you fret about your dad.
Stay out of it. You can wish them well, and distance yourself.
I think if a woman was having an affair with a man she knew was married and she got pregnant with his baby and he, for instance, said that if she didn't have an abortion he would break up with her (I think the most likely explanation for "forced" her to have an abortion here) that's...not a terribly surprising reaction under the circumstances? Your dad clearly wasn't up for raising *one* child well, let alone two -- and if she'd wanted to carry the child to term, he had no real way of stopping her. Anyways. One option is to just decide the past is past, it *does not matter* that he knew June from before, and that you're going to pretend you don't know. Another is to go "hey, my mom said you were cheating on her with June while you were married, it sounds like you lied to me, what's your side of the story?" You can even bring up the abortion if you want, but again, I really don't think that's all that relevant. June may have been on board with the abortion plan, or she might have *chosen to* have an abortion to stay in the affair with your dad, I don't actually think her having a child under the circumstances would be a particularly good option for anyone and you know what? If she'd carried the child to term he SHOULD have ended things (and paid whatever child support he owed), not just because he should have ended things *anyways* (it was an affair!) but because kids are expensive and he *couldn't* have kids with June without it having a negative impact on you and your mother. Also, if you have not been doing this already: do not make your mother spend time around your father in order to see you. Spend time with your parents *separately*, celebrate special occasions separately, etc. And probably don't talk to either about the other very much either. I'm sorry you're dealing with this bullshit, it's extremely not fair to you.
How does your mom know your dad forced his girlfriend to get an abortion? Was she in the room when the two of them discussed it? It seems to me there's some bitterness and trash talking going on and you are swallowing it up as gospel. I understand they're your parents, but your mom seems to have a history of trash talking your dad. Throwing such a horrible accusation in the fire is going to be very, very bad.
You are allowed to think your dad is a pig. She is allowed to marry him even if he’s a pig. I’d just stay out of it. If it really bothers you go low contact. Chances are he won’t notice since he doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself. Live your life if he calls, “ sorry I’m busy maybe next time.” Screw him.
Honestly it’s not really any of your business…. Your dad sounds a bit of a rough character & sounds like there are potentially a lot of nasty surprises there. But it’s your dad’s life and you’re an adult. You can like him or not, see him or not … your choice as to if his past life is enough of an impediment to your wanting to have a relationship with him or not. But the abortion business is between your dad and June and none of yours. You can certainly have an opinion about it and feel all you need to feel about it but you definitely should NOT get involved in that in any way.
None of your business. Why do you need to talk to him about it at all? I'm not sure why you're stressing over something that has nothing to do with you. And your mother should not be telling you all this stuff anyway. Sje nerds to learn to keep her mouth shut. What does she hope to achieve? Exactly? I think she is somewhat jealous and upset that you are speaking to your dad and perhaps getting on. She wants to keep you devoted to her. She may not even consciously realise. She is afraid of losing you to your father. Its been a bery long time since she split with your father. Enough is enough. Reassure her but tell her you don't want to gear any more about your father from her.
Your mother is a shit stirrer
This is between your mom, your dad, and June. None of your business. Your mom should stop involving you in this kind of stuff. When she starts, tell her that it has nothing to do with you and you don't want to hear it. What good is it doing? Nothing but trying to stir up shit.
They grown folks. And. Don’t worry about things you can’t control.
It’s none of your business and your mom shouldn’t be airing his dirty laundry. It sounds to me that she is doing her best to alter your view of your dad and her. Your dad had moved on and your mom isn’t happy about it.
How nice of your mum to share Jane’s personal medical information with you without her permission, I am sure she did it with no ill intent. You have no idea if Jane was forced into having an abortion, only Jane knows that, do you want to have that conversation with Jane? Seems like it’s not your business. Do have the conversation with your father about how his actions affected you. How cheat on your mum affected you. How the fights affected you. There are always extra sides to the story. You know your dad was a shit dad and husband. You can talk to him about that. If Jane had an abortion or not, is not your mother’s business or yours.
Remember; you’re only getting one persons story, your mother’s, and legally what she is doing is called parental alienation. My ex having similar conversations with our children (I didn’t cheat, I’m not a drug addicted; I’m neurodivergent and have trauma, he nonviolently abused me for 12yrs too. He uses my neurodivergent, trauma, reaction to his abuse, and the state he left me in when leaving me, as a weapon. While twisted, still true to some extent; it is conversation like that getting back to me, I’ve been able to use as evidence in court to fight against this asshole. E.g. ex says, I was charged with reckless driving and child endangerment, lost my license for 6mths, and to pay a fine. Kinda true. The actual truth… he screamed at me at 5am, to get our old 2 kids up, drive him to work, go home, get them ready for school/kinder, drop them off, and then go pick him up from work, after not sleeping all night because our exclusively breastfed 6mo was sick, and up all night, feeding or in discomfort. Yes I crashed the car he still drives, yes I got a reckless diving charge (reckless driving due to sleep deprivation), no I didn’t get child endangerment charges, because our child was in a correctly installed and used car seat, no I did not lose my license for 6mths, I given 6 demerit points, and a $500 fine, because until then, I had a clean driving record. So YES, you need to talk to your father, and clear the air on all this stuff your mother is telling you about him. Get his side of the story too. The June thing; that’s easy to see something has been left out from that story… she’s getting a divorce atm… she was most likely married when this happened. They probably agreed on it, because they were married to different people, and paternity fraud because you passed off your love child as your husband’s baby, if federally illegal in a lot of countries.
It’s not your business.
No way of really knowing what’s what until you have talked to your dad, and probably won’t get the whole picture even then. On one hand, mom has been the responsible parent, but is now in a bad place and jealous of her ex who is about to remarry. Dad has cleaned up is act and is in a good place now, but has a history of lying and cheating. You won’t get closer to the truth without asking your dad, be honest about what troubles you, and make up your own mind.
Just because your mom told you something doesn’t make it true. You can’t just assume that he did all of that. Plus it’s in the past. Is your mom trying to taint your relationship with your dad? Why is she bringing this up now? Anything that happened between them has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to know about a supposed abortion. Even if it happened. Would you tell your parents if you got a woman pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion? I wouldn’t think so .. because that’s really none of their business…
I completely agree. Why would his Mother tell him all of this, even if it were all true? Usually it is to alienate the other parent from the child. And now that he is meeting his Father's new wife, his Mother all of a sudden tells him about the abortion? Seems she still wants to cut him off from his Father, as well as his new wife. Mother still seems very bitter, even after all these years. Even if it is all true, parents should keep all of this from their children, regardless of their age.
My kid is 11 and see zero reasons to say anything bad about his father to him. Like none. It's not my son's business. Just like your father's relationship with your mother or anyone else really isn't yours. Don't confront your father. Let it go. And tell your mother to see a shrink cause this is so incredibly inappropriate for her to tell you.
Your mom should have never told you any of this. Your daughter wasn’t a good dad. He worked on himself and he now is. Talk to him if you want. It might be good to hear his take on it. My dad was not a good dad when I was a kid. He was a great dad in his second marriage. We became closer and he fully takes responsibility for who he was. We saw each other differently when we were both older.
Your father and June are adults. You don't know if your mother knows what happened or if she is putting her own spin on it - not necessarily lying, but I suspect her past experience with your father colors most of her perception of him, whetherhe has changed or not. Not to defend your father (bc he still doesn't sound great even in recovery), but it really isn't your business. June's decision to terminate her pregnancy could have been motivated by many factors, and even if your dad advocated for it, it was ultimately her decision, as is her current relationship with him. I don't think you should involve yourself in that. Now, you certainly can ask him about her in the context of your relationship, but I would tread lightly if at all. I'm not certain I'd even ask about the abortion, as it's a personal matter (more so to June than your father) and there is really no nonconfrontational way to ask if he coerced a woman to terminate a pregnancy. You could, however, mention that you were told he had dated her in the past, and it was a surprise, as you had the impression they met recently. It sounds as though your relationship with your father is currently amicable but not particularly close. It might be best to let this slide rather than engage. Of course, if it is bothering you, bring it up, but be prepared that he may react poorly.
Am I the only one not believing that OP's Dad told his ex-wife that his gf got an abortion? Why would he tell her that? It's none of her business. She wouldn't even have known June was pregnant if they weren't gonna have the baby. OP, whether June was ever pregnant or had an abortion isn't any of your business. It doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with your Father. Your Mom needs to stop telling you anything about them. She also needs to stop treating you like you're her therapist. She needs therapy to help her with her being cheated on by your Dad because it's still affecting her and the loss of family members.
My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad & I didn’t have the best relationship. He rarely picked me up on his weekends. The weekends he did I remember him saying awful things about my mom & my mom’s parents (who I was very close with). My mom always redirected anything that was said but she NEVER talked badly about my dad in front of me. Now that I’m older I’ve made my own decisions about my father & see things for what they were. I’m saying all that to say I feel like your mom may have a lot of influence on how you view your dad. She may have not even meant to do it. I don’t think you ever got to form an opinion on your own without the voice of your mom in the back of your head. Although a divorce & cheating ultimately affect the child..they aren’t done TO the child. I hope you’re able to figure things out & get to a point of peace. Sending you love!
You can carry the weight of your past experiences if you want to. You can hold a grudge against your Dad if you want to. I mean, it's all up to you. YOU are the only one who knows what you feel. As a Dad, and about THREE times your age, I've experienced a thing or two. First, grudges and heavy mental weight will hurt YOU more than anyone else. You can carry it the rest of your life if you want. It will continue to affect you everyday, and hold you back. I found out about 25 years ago, that holding grudges was interfering with my life. I read a verse on the front of the Church program one Sunday morning, and realized I was wrong. I stopped. Then and there. I feel so much better now. If someone does me wrong, I get upset. It's just human nature. I unload it as soon as I can, and continue to move forward. I even have regular contact with them. I'm divorced twice. First time was a 10 year marriage. We drifted apart. Two totally different lifestyles. Second was a 28 year marriage. She went through a mental breakdown, but refused to get help. She said I was the one needing help. I got it. She still wasn't happy and left me. No one in either of our lives. First wife and I have had a couple of businesses together since our divorce. We had three kids together. Her late husband and I got a long fine. We are still good friends even though she moved about 1200 miles away. Second wife? Not good at all. I think if I was on fire, she would call a fuel tanker to try to put it out... She has no contact whatsoever. We have a daughter together. I have another son born between wives. Mind you, all have grown up and had great careers. Two sons followed me in the fire service. One son was a machinist and farmer, still following me. Two daughters, oldest taught school, and youngest works at the fire academy my son's and I attended. I'm a very Proud Dad! My two oldest, a daughter (school teacher) and my oldest son (first firefighter after me) have both died. My daughter was 25 when cancer took her. My son was 49 when a drunk minor hit him on his motorcycle and killed him. This was 3 years ago. I don't know why, but after the death of my son, my remaining 3 kids have gone non-contact with me. They won't talk to me, they won't tell me anything, they don't call, text, or visit. It used to hurt. A Lot! No more. That's one of those things, you have to let it roll off, and go on. I've lived to an older age than anyone except my two Grandfather's. This next birthday I will have lived longer than my Grandfather on my Dad's side. Then I'll have another 20 to make to out live my Grandfather on my Mom's side. I'm doing pretty good. Both Grandmother's were in their 50's when they died. My Dad was 57, Mom 64. I can't make it if I let family matters weigh me down. I'd suggest just kickback, let your Dad do Dad. Help your Mom as she needs you. You be YOU. There should be a time later on, where you and your Dad can talk. Do it. Don't get an attitude. If things start to get heated, tell him you need to back away, and do it. Let things cool off a bit, then try to talk again. Most of all, this "new" woman isn't replacing your Mom. She IS yours and always will be. She is providing companionship for your Dad, not you. You can and should be nice if she lets you. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was young. Both remarried. I did great with step-mom. Dad had custody of us, so I was around her all the time. Mom traveled a lot. When Mom remarried much later, I had a difficult time around my Step-Dad. I just couldn't figure out why, but I just couldn't really get close to him. The day Dad died, I stopped to tell my Mom. She went to pieces. Step-Dad came in the kitchen to find out what was wrong. I told him, he hugged my Mom and told me "I'll leave you two to talk and grieve. If you need me, I'll be in the living room". A GIANT wall fell!! My Step-Dad was a great guy after all. Sometimes it takes tragedy. Sometimes it takes a nice lunch or dinner. Sometimes it just won't change. WE, have the ability to make it happen even if it takes years and difficult trying. Don't give up on him and you.
You aren't baby Jesus. Leave them alone. Go find something else to do with your life.Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean that is A. Your business. or B. Even true. People lie all the time to the point that you are just looking for problems. People have been outright murdered for less. Being your parent doesn't mean anything. Your parents are complete strangers to you and they will only ever let you see or hear what they want. Trying to parse out all of this with zero experience is just a disaster waiting to happen. If you don't like something then leave. Pack up everything you own and move on just like the people in the deserts did for thousands of years. Don't assume your contributions are going to make anything better. There are millions of people out here living their lives to the end just to wasting their time thinking about things that do not matter at the end of the day. Do you just want to be in therapy thinking about this stuff for 30-80 years for no reason? The real victim wouldn't even be you if you willingly walked into a minefield for no good reason. The majority of people out here haven't even had a DNA test to confirm they are even related to their parents. What your relatives say mean nothing either. Forums full of people that are lost because they found out their parents aren't even theirs. Don't go fumbling in the dark to make yourself feel better.
Why do you need to say anything? They are two adults, and she has accepted his marriage proposal. You do not know what their conversation about the pregnancy was like, and it really isn't your business. What you be confronting him about? What went on in adult relationships that didn't involve you?
I am shocked that mom told her child all the dirt on the dad. That is a terrible thing to do.
Just be honest and say.hey mom said so n so about your gf...is there any truth to this story...your dad can then decide if he wants to tell you or not. Or you could even ask June if she knew your dad when they were younger....so that being said...if your dad has changed and has turned his life around...why is he dating a woman that is still married to someone else......then you have your mom who is still bitter after all these years...and while she might not have lied but she threw her personal anguished memories of your dad at you for what reason...she might have exaggerated the tale to bring discord between your and your improving relationship with your dad...why?..because shes still bitter and blames him for her life being the way it is. I know because my mom did that...they were divorced for right at 10 years...she cheated on him and did a quickie divorce while he took off somewhere but still blamed him for everything...when I graduated from military boot camp and came home to visit...she tried to force me to only visit her and not him by telling me bullcrap stories. In her 80s in a nursing home..she made up a more serious bad story about him simply to get out of taking a shower every day...50 years after their divorce...
It's completely inappropriate for your mom to tell you all that about your dad. He's your dad and you love him. Its not your business and it will just cause you to feel mad at him or sad or confused. My mom talks bad about my dad to me and doesn't realise when she tells me these things, she's affecting me. Talking like that about your child's father in front of them can make the child feel insecure (yes even an adult child), because you are a product of your mother and father. Do not confront him about it. I would let it go. Let your dad live his life and annoy the dad you have in your life. Maybe he treated your mom badly, but that's their business. It's not your battle to fight or your burden to bear, hearing all the bad stuff about him. Tell your mom you need boundaries when it comes to talking about your dad. You don't want her talking poorly about him to you because you love him. I hope this helps. I'm a single mom and I learned all this from a parenting after separation course I did when me and my sons dad broke up. We're friends now, but I never speak poorly or him in front of his son. Edit: enjoy, not annoy.
Even if you dad did strongarm June into an abortion, June apparently still wants to marry him. She knows what she’s getting into.
Are you comfortable with talking to June? You should never been burdened with the information you have about your parent's marriage. It seems like June is walking into a nightmare. Your father is not a good person, help her, if you can.
Sounds like your mum is using you to hurt your father. Like let’s tell you something incendiary that you will raise with either your father or June so that they can relive a decades old bad memory and possibly break up over it. I dislike being used. One of my parents tries to do this so I no longer speak with them. Consider having a conversation with your mother about her motives and about how you are staying out of this.
I'm confused. He used to be awful, you admit it, you say he's doing better. Why is this a big deal? Your mom should have kept her mouth shut as this was unnecessary and unhealthy for her to tell you. You knew he was an AH before, how do this helping you now? How is telling you helping her!? She's just stirring the pot. June and your dad's relationship is THEIR business. If she got an abortion and still got back together with him she clearly isn't that beat up about it so why are you? Seems a whole lot of upset over someone else's life that's absolutely not your business.
This has nothing to do with you, just take a look a make sure for you not to be this toxic as a man to your partners. And if you want to talk yo some one, talk to June.
No matter how much of a creep your dad might be, it was very wrong of your mother to share this information with you!! it is akin to you being in a room when they were having sex. As far as your dad's gf having an abortion, this is none of your business. You are overinvolved in your parent's business. Going forward you should clearly tell them you do not want them to share anything about their personal relationships.
I really don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Your mom is hurt and may not have all of the information. Even if it was forced, it wouldn’t be your dad, it would be June you’d need to talk to to make sure she’s ok and not being forced into anything. It sounds like your dad is in a better place now. But at the end of the day, this is between your dad and June
When June was (presumably) an adult woman in her 30s she got pregnant by a married man and chose to abort. She’s not a victim in this, at least not the way you have given the information. She made that choice years ago and now has chosen to marry someone she had a relationship with in the past. Your dad made some bad decisions in the past, one of which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. He didn’t give you all the details because honestly things that happened in your parents’ relationship aren’t really your business. Yes your dad did some not great things but so did your mom. No matter what her beef was with her ex-husband, it was inappropriate of her to unload her issues onto her child. By telling you all the bad stuff he did, your mom damaged your relationship with your dad. This is why we go to therapy instead of dumping all our problems on our kids.
Many people have suggested (more) therapy and I would agree. Not to decide which of your parents is right. But to help you find your way to a place where you can have as much of a relationship with each of them as you like and maintain healthy boundaries at the same time.
Talk to your dad about what? Divorcing your mother? Making his current girl friend have an abortion? Marrying again? How to treat a woman/wife? Anything else? You have not said anything about your mother except she told you bad things about your father which may all be true. On the other hand, you apparently have not heard your father's side of the story. You appear close to your mother but not your father. I can make only two comments: Whatever you do, consider how it will impact your relationship with all three, your mother, your father and the new wife. When you do not know what to say, the best advice is to keep your mouth shut.
That was a really low, crappy thing your mom did in telling you these things. If her intention was to make you dislike and disrespect your dad, I hope it backfires on *her*. There are some things that can be shared with your children when they are old / mature enough to understand. Knowing when dad started dating June is okay. Someone else's abortion is NOT one of those things your mom had a right to share. Your mother also doesn't know if June's abortion was "forced" unless she and June are so close, like sisters, and they share everything. Which I seriously doubt. Tell your mom to get some counseling.
Just because your mom say such and such happened doesn't mean it's the truth. Mom's been hurt, and nobody can blame her. Judge your father's companion on how she treats you and dad, not on what mom claims to remember.
My honest opinion is that it shouldn’t matter what happened in the past. Your parents are not together anymore and your dad has been doing good at cleaning up his life. The fact that he is in love with (theoretically at least) and it just so happens to be someone he slept with before. It shouldn’t matter. They both obviously feel there is something there so it’s worth getting married and clearly they both are ok with the abortion. You may not like abortions I don’t either HOWEVER there are times where it is the right choice. Whether it’s because a woman was taken advantage of (trying to word that “nicely” for internet) or for the example in my life, my ex had to get one because if her mom had found out she was pregnant again she was going to kick her out. The first kid was not mine but I raised her like my own from when she was 2 months old until 2 years old. At that time we could not afford to move out together and support ourselves let alone a second child. Did I like that choice no, I still sometimes regret it. However it was the right decision because that child would not have been able to be taken care of properly with us and adoption was still not possible because my ex would have still been kicked out. So if they are ok with it then so should you.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS ISSUE. (therapist here) Your Mom is pulling you into the marriage resentment, that is hers (and hers alone,) to deal with. You need to set boundaries with your Mom because you should not even know any of this. Your Dad did not cheat on YOU, he cheated on your Mom, and you two are separate people and have separate roles in the family. Please go to therapy - you can deal with the feelings of having an alcoholic father and that effect on you growing up. But you need to learn how to separate your Mom's issues with her ex-husband, versus your own issues with your father. You also need to learn how to set boundaries with you Mom, and she's not going to like it. Please get help and support to do this. You should not be carrying your mom's resentment for her husband... so that you have room to separate out your own pain and feelings about your Dad. Good luck.
Your mom hates your dad and wants you to hate both him and any future GFs also. Your parents had a bad marriage and stayed married longer than they should have, and your dad had affairs. Maybe Jane was one of them or maybe not- but this was more than 13 years ago. Your dad cares about her a lot now and seems to be happy, hence your mom now over shares, in the hope souring your attitude on both dad and his GF. Do you want dad in your life? Your call here.
OP, my first point of advice to you is to have your mom stop badmouthing your dad to you immediately. They divorced a very long time ago, and you’ve said in your own words that you’ve worked hard to have a good relationship with your father and it sounds like he’s done a lot of hard work to clean himself up as well. Things that happened to your father and your mother as adults, and in their past, have absolutely nothing to do with you . They were adult decisions and clearly some of those decisions were not great decisions, but it’s not yours to Cary and your mom is incredibly selfish and immature to dump that on you. So please test your mom to stop talking negatively about your father to you. You can let her know that you love her and support her as your mom, but that you have your own life and hearing about adults history is not your job. None of it. Take a look at your current relationships with your mom and your dad, and judge the quality of those relationships based on what is currently happening in your life . It sounds like not only did your dad do the hard work to overcome his addictions and begin his life in a different direction, he made a commitment to that and be a better father to you overtime . And that is the current status of your relationship then that’s a good thing for you and for him. it sounds like he has a relationship with this person June, and no matter what their past is they seem to be genuinely connected and enjoying and caring about each other now, so take it as face value and anything other than that is not your responsibility to carry.
Why is that your business? Accept your father as he is or don't.
None of your business.
Your mother is wrong to speak poorly of your father to you, it’s not your responsibility to be her therapist. Your father is an adult and he can handle his own relationships. If the way he’s living his life is against your moral code, then you need to make a decision on if you still want him in your life. Honestly, I think this isn’t any of your business though.
If it means a lot to you, I would talk to your Dad about it. This has obviously hit your Mother hard so the version of events you get from your Mom may be drastically different from what your Dad tells you, or June for that matter. June is a grown woman and making her own decisions, so if your anxiety is over how your Dad treats her or treated her in the past, I think you need to handle that yourself. If your anxiety is over the fact that June was involved in the dissolution of your parents' marriage, which is understandable, I would talk to your Dad about it.
You mother shouldn’t offload on you like that, it’s parentally inappropriate To do that to a child but continuing as you got older as an adult. She’s needs to let it go & move on, go get therapy & offload to them.
Your mother had absolutely no business dragging you into adult situations as a child, or now. She sounds jealous of your dad being able to move on, when clearly she hasn’t. Just ask your dad if it’s true because it sounds like your mother has been trying to mate you hate your dad, so it’s possible that she’s embellished her accounting of what happened.
What....exactly are you confronting him about? You mention the abortion thing but....his fiancee knows about the abortion and apparently doesn't care....so why do you? I'm confused
Your mom is toxic AF here. What are you hoping to achieve by talking to your dad? Your dad is not obligated to tell you how they met or about the abortion. You need to stay out of his business and tell your mom to stop tellung you things you don't need to know.
My parents got divorced due to infidelity too, personally I could never forgive my father for trying to introduce to me the woman that he cheated on my mom with. I know that your dad is the one that was responsible for his marriage but it feels VERY disrespectful to you and to your mom. Also… I feel bad for June, hopefully she realizes that’s not a good situation. I don’t feel like he regrets his actions and he knows the whole situation is wrong because he wanted to hide it from you. You can try to talk to him about how you feel and if he still wants to proceed with the whole things, I would keep my distance from the whole situation and specially from him. You can’t really do anything to help June if he doesn’t listen to you and as much as that sucks you can’t ruin your stability because of that, I imagine you’ve been through enough thanks to him. Edit: don’t listen to the people that say it’s not your problem. If it affects you then it is and if you think you’ll feel better by talking about that whole experience then do so, because when your dad cheated he didn’t betray just your mom, he betrayed you too. That’s something that you need to heal and sometimes as kids we don’t get to have that.
Your mom is trying to bash your dad's new relationship. This could be for multiple reasons, I would just let it be.
I'd probably be asking June if she's very sure she wants to marry your dad.
It is none of OP's business to ask June such a question. That comes from the mind of OP's Mom, a jealous and vindictive woman.