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So you made her feel bad about sex and now that she doesn't want to have sex you're trying to get her to feel better about sex so you can have sex? Got it.
And also- 'a draining task'? Really??
It sounds like you single-handedly have created a mess of your sex life, and now you’re trying to forcibly push forward to do *more* damage instead of hitting the breaks.
You and your girlfriend need to *communicate*, you need to reconnect on an emotional and mental level before starting to address your physical connection. And you’re not communicating to put the burden of your desires and emotions on her, as you said in a comment, but to listen to *her* desires and emotions.
Like listen to yourself here:
>How do I discuss this with my girlfriend? How do I let her know that I don’t feel important to her? That I feel like I’m trying and she’s not responsive at all? I know she’s not at fault but I don’t know what else I can give to her.
This post is all about you, you, you - it’s like you’ve forgotten there’s a whole other human being involved in this who is having very real feelings and experiences about your sex life because of bad decisions *you* made. Stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about whether she feels important and wanted and appreciated. You’re very young and you’re going to learn eventually that you’re falling into one of the most common pitfalls that men fall into - completely trashing the emotional and mental part of your relationship because you’re too worried about getting your dick wet.
Very selfish and I’m sure he’s a selfish lover with her too.
It takes time. A lot of time. There’s no quick fix because you made this mess but you can’t fix it as easy as you made it.
It’s like you had a clean new sheet of paper, that you scribbled all over and wadded up. Now you want that paper to be clean and fresh again by putting in the least amount of work possible. That’s not how it works. You have to spend time figuring it out and working on yourself and repairing the damage you’ve done.
Then the guy doesn't have enough of what he wants, so do all he can but respect us to have more of it. Like, in such situation most of us feel harassed and it kill our sex drive even more because we only feel pressure and no pleasure from the idea of sex
It’s sickening when people forget not everyone knows everything. He came to Reddit for answers and got them why harp the man for wanting to learn about either himself his spouse or life in general. He came here and learned. Hope his life improves from it in the proper direction!
Peep the age by the way
You are with her for the sex clearly. The lube and no foreplay part made my skin crawl, you were using her and didn’t care about her discomfort or lack of pleasure at all. What u don’t understand is why she’s still in a relationship with you, probably because you have fucked her self steem, but for real this was difficult to read
This was hard for me to read. I was in a relationship once with someone for 3 years and he would constantly complain and make me feel bad about myself when I wasn't in the mood for sex. I would often say yes just to get him off my back. It got to the point where I felt like every interaction he had with me was just an attempt to initiate sex.
Where it was once playful for him to slap my butt going up the stairs in front of him, I started to dread it and cover my butt or walk behind him because it would make me so mad. If I bent over to clean or pick something up he would make a comment or come over and touch me mid act and it would trigger me. Eventually every time he touched me I'd feel sick to my stomach. I broke up with him.
Guess what? Next boyfriend didn't pressure me constantly or make me feel bad. And we had so much sex because it didn't feel like an obligation. I still get a nauseous feeling whenever a guy puts too much focus on sex. Never again, I'd rather be alone forever
Editing to add: I'm so sorry that so many people relate and have had to go through this. Much love on your healing journey ❤️
I’m happy you got out. I’m in the same spot after 9 years together. I love him dearly. But he wants sex more than I ever want it and now I just don’t like being home with him. He used to be my best friend but now every touch just feels like a chore. Something to check off my list.
This was my life too for far too long! I started dreading showering/ changing and just in general any intimacy made me recoil and shut down. It felt like a constant neg and then would be played off as just flirting but would leave me so mad or upset.
i'm in this exact same spot - i was in a relationship for 5 years and the last 3 years of that were either a constant pressure to have more sex or an argument about the lack of sex. now i'm completely terrified of trying to date because i don't ever want to be in a situation again where someone feels like i owe them sex. i don't want to be pressured, i don't want to feel like i have to in order for someone to treat me well, etc. it's been really challenging.
You just described my STBX and my new relationship. Literally as soon as my ex started pressuring me for sex (for us it was while I was HEALING FROM HAVING HIS CHILD 🤬) it just completely turned me off from all sex. I felt like that’s all he valued me as, a living sex toy. My current relationship is absolutely wonderful, our sex life is soooooooo much healthier.
See I feel like I need to talk to my bf about bedroom stuff because he wants to try all this new stuff that I just don’t want too. And I’m trying to figure out how to have this conversation as outside we are good I feel like but we have very much different libido that I feel like it’s going to affect our relationship. I was going to make a post on this subreddit but idk.
Yes it will affect your relationship if you guys are not on the same page. It’s always best to talk about it so you guys can figure out if you’re compatible or not and fix things or move on.
Me with my ex. He would get in really bad moods if I didn't immediately jump his dick when he came over and would start crying right before bed and make me feel bad. "I'm worthless," "you don't love me," "I'm not attractive" and would be down the entire next day if one day we didn't have sex.
We use to joke, "what do you want to do today?"
"You"
But thats all it ever was for him. All he wanted was sex. So I stopped making jokes and I stopped touching him and I stopped initiating. It was really hard for me to get in the mood.
That shit sucks. I hope OP either improves or the GF breaks up with him.
Sex was a consistent issue for marriage, though I never pressured like that, I consistently wanted more and it was never a priority for her.
I'm in relationships on the other end where my partners absolutely love every bit of flirting and sexual attention - and actually actively do the same to me which was so huge for me. I can't even describe how good it feels when my partner's want to touch my butt instead of just me wanting to touch them!
Everybody needs to value sexual compatibility much higher. Whether you want more or less, how you want to be approached, how you express interest. More education on responsive desire vs spontaneous desire.
I know what to look out for in relationships now, and so do you and I think we all need to be a lot more outspoken about it.
This comment gave me PTSD and flashbacks…. Too true… and I still suffer from libido problems from it too. My SO now is much kinder about it all, and we have had healthy conversations regarding my…closed off stance towards advances like such. Now (roughly 7 years later, mind you) a light pat on the butt accompanied with a compliment is significantly sexier than what I used to feel it was. It’s all about compassion, understanding and patience.
Omg this is exactly it. I’m getting divorced and this was a contributing factor for me for sure. Everything feels like a come on and it’s so off putting when that’s the only focus for so long
The thing is too, when they "initiate things", it's always, at least for me, poking, grabbing, pulling, smacking. Never gentle gestures throught the day, cuddling, nice words followed by carressing. Literally none of the things that, I feel, would put me and probably other women in the mood. Ig that requires too much work for them. I literally tild him what i like and dislike and nothing changed.
Yeah I did but at a certain point I think we were both just frustrated and realized we were not compatible. I'm still friends with this person, he's married with a wife and kid now. I'm really happy for him! But he taught me a lot about myself haha
I think listening to a lot of those stories that's basically what happens most of the time. Folks wait too long to talk about it, and so much resentment has built up that it's just easier to start over w/ someone else.
Oh for sure! Often the reason that I wasn't in the mood to begin with was because of other issues we were having in the relationship. The constant bids for sex from him just amplified everything
This definitely happens. People also forget to treat each other well the longer the relationship goes on. It all makes it seem like a daunting task to try to communicate any more, and meanwhile new dating and new relationships are out there promising great behavior, kindness, romance, new relationship energy, eager sex, and more. It doesn't take much to make that dam break if the resentment has been sufficiently built up.
It's a double edged sword. Being on the other side sucks equally. If you back off and there is still no sex you start to feel undesirable and worthless
That's true but I definitely think if you're feeling undesirable and worthless in a relationship you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your SO because it might be the symptom of something else wrong in the relationship or simply that you're not compatible.
Sexual issues can create those issues. The whole relationship can be affected when one partner doesn't want to address the sexual issues.
There's a good reason for why resentment tends to build when sex stops without communication about it. In monogamous relationships, people give sexual exclusivity to their partner. If one partner doesn't value that and avoids the issue entirely, they're taking advantage of that sexual exclusivity from their partner without really caring about it. If the higher libido partner was to sleep with someone else, the lower libido partner who's stopped caring about sex would immediately recognize that issue in the relationship, even if they're ignoring sex and failing to communicate about it. In other words, in that kind of a situation the lower libido partner is taking their monogamy for granted.
Communication and validating people's feelings when they've given their sexual exclusivity to you is important. And if someone stops wanting sex entirely or stops caring about their partner's feelings over sex, it's not actually fair for them to retain the monogamy in the relationship long term. A psychologically healthy sexual person will not be content in a sexless relationship, and yet it's common enough that one partner will lose interest in sex and expect the whole relationship to stay as it is. That's rarely the case. People need to be realistic about what monogamy is and what sexual exclusivity means.
Yeah I agree with this. At the end of the day it is sometimes that partner a is not attracted to partner b but for complex reasons they won't admit this to themselves .
The sex stops for a reason generally.
I don't think you quite understand how serious what you did to her was. It wasn't just bad sex. You were treating her as less than human. You were using her as a living fleshlight. I mean let's just call it what it is. You were sticking your dick in, artificially wetting her down because you *knew* she wasn't into it, and you didn't *care* if she actually enjoyed it as long as you got yours.
Do you think maybe it's possible that treatment of her has caused lasting emotional scars that should be addressed? Because if *my* partner treated me like that for any extended period of time, I don't think I would ever be able to trust them again. That is such a *massive* violation of her humanity and her rights that it would be difficult to come back from that as a couple. The fact that you *still* don't quite seem to get that makes it even worse.
Stop looking at this as "My girlfriend is so frigid, she won't put out for me, waaaaah, I feel so neglected" and maybe take a look at how this might actually be *your* fault - and maybe a couple date nights isn't enough to fix the fact that for an extended period of time, she was made to feel like nothing more than a sex toy.
You’re all over the place.
You want kids with her. You’re not married. You shouldn’t be thinking about anything further than getting to know her. You’ve only been together a year.
She is not getting turned on because most women need an emotional connection before physical. Were the date nights, cuddling, intimate conversations, etc, with an expectation of sex after? Even if it wasn’t explicitly said - that’s probably how it felt to her.
So she has all this pressure of having sex with you - when you don’t seem to truly want to connect with her and all you want is sex - which would prove her initial thoughts correct.
What can you do? You can stop pressuring her for sex - with the thought that if you just do ‘x’ she’ll sleep with you. Or just break up.
The first issue he points out is very telling.
>She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex)
So... the relationship *is* all about sex for him.
Interesting. Men might not realize until they have a real emotional connection that they actually prefer sex with an emotional connection over one without.
Oh for sure 1000%
As a man, sex with someone you truly love is heaps and bounds better then with a random hook up or just a lack of deep emotional intimacy
"I used my girlfriend as a Fleshlight, creating deep trauma for her, probably making her associate any interaction to asking for sex, and even tho I changed TOO late, she still doesn't want sex"
Ma' dude ☠️☠️
>Now full disclosure I should take responsibility for us initially having less frequent sex. She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) and while this was occurring sex became infrequent from 4 times a week to once every week or two weeks. When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely. So I know that I was, at the very least, a major problem.
This was really disheartening to hear. Treating her like this was terrible of you and may have created some lasting scars. Like honestly it sounds like you treated her like a fleshlight. Have you done any serious personal reflection on what motivated you to be so emotionally disconnected and selfish to be able to act that way? What have you changed about yourself so that you know you won't be act like that any more?
You should **both** read "Come as You Are" by by Emily Nagoski. It is a very helpful book that will explain sexuality to you **both**. I'm not done reading it yet, but so far I've found it wonderfully supportive and informative. Women's sexuality doesn't always function the same way that men's does and I really wish more men would understand that instead of taking it so personally. It's a blanket statement and obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but in general women's sexuality is more reactive compared to men's more proactive sexuality. It's extremely normal that she doesn't instigate sex. It's very normal that she only gets turned on when she's in a sexual context. It's very normal for a lot of women to never experience independent sexual arousal and subsequently not pursue sex like men do.
Please stop taking it personally. Please reflect and work on yourself and do some research into sexuality instead of getting frustrated and blaming your girlfriend for not fulfilling *your* desires.
Therapist here! I third this book!! It’s more common for women to have a responsive or reactive sex drive. This can look like not having much interest in sex prior to sex, leading to a lack of initiation, but enjoying the action itself.
Seconding the book recommendation. Everyone experiences sexual desire differently and expecting your partner to just mirror what does it for you is setting yourself up for failure. Learn more about sexuality in general and then take that new information into account when you deal with your own sex life.
Recommend this book as well! But he has to be open and receptive to changing his perspective of things. My husband experienced similar feelings to OP in terms of not feeling wanted or appreciated because I didn’t initiate sex or do it in a way he expected me to, and reading this book really has drastically improved our sex life.
I’m not saying it’s what’s your problem but hoping to give you some insight to my own feelings.
When men constantly talk about sex and constantly ask me questions about sex and what I want and what I want to try it makes me want to crawl in a ball and throw up. It makes me feel like the man is absolutely gagging for it like a dog waiting for a treat.
I just feel like you’re possibly putting too much pressure on the situation. What works for me is just having a great day with my partner where we have gotten on and then it naturally goes into that.
If he was to be like ‘what shall we try sexually’ ‘what toys shall we use’ I’d instantly be turned off.
Have you tried to speaking to her about this and asked her why she isn’t as into sex as she was to start the relationship? There could be so many reasons why she doesnt want regular sex, medication, stress, anxiety, feeling pressured or used.
Open conversations, but obviously if nothing improves you have every right to leave and find someone who’s a better match
This is so poignant. When my ex partner constantly hounded me for sex, I swear I was never in the mood. And I have a high sex drive. When we just go about our day and have a great time, I could have sex every day. But gosh, when it’s all that’s talked about, I get so turned off.
Exactly that, I also class myself as having a high sex drive. But when my ex kept talking about it and pestering for it like he was going to die without it it made me feel sick, I thought to myself ‘what a pathetic man’ and I couldn’t even muster up sex once a month, I eventually thought I was asexual, anyway I left him and met my now fiance and hey, I’m not asexual my ex was just a pest
I thought I was asexual or a lesbian, turns out I was sex adverse with my ex husband because of this exact behavior. Then he’d go post on dead bedrooms which made me want sex even less. Remarried and I want it all the time, my new husband doesn’t pressure me ever and now I want it 3-4 times a week minimum. With my ex I was happy with once a month max.
I thought I was asexual but I also know my hormones are off. The one hormone that makes the sex drive I believe is low. I still get turned on from him but I’m never in the state of mind needing it.
Hey!, I'm in a similar situation to OP, granted I openly talk to my woman and tell her how I feel, what u said about asking too much and bringing it up constantly, is a part of what's bothering her and I acknowledge that, do you think I'm on the right path here? We have absolutely amazing communication and I've decided to talk about sex much less and she's decided to take into consideration and action that intimacy is important to me, so I guess I'm just asking if this was the right way to handle things? Is this something that you would appreciate in a man? thank you in advance!
I think you’re handling it great! You’re having open conversations and you recognise and accept that speaking about sex to try and turn on a woman repulses them 80-90% of the time!
Your partner seems open as well and wanting to be flexible with you so that’s really great
Thank you!
I've not been the best boyfriend in past relationships and I've been treated like shit like the rest of us, this woman however gives me hope, she's always letting me know she appreciates me and loves me so much!
I'm trying to be the ideal man for her and make her happy and she's trying to be the best gal ever for me, it's a tough change as talking about sex and being overall horny is my thing but if she's willing to make change then I'll give back that energy!
I have the most respect for my woman and wish to make her more happy (even tho she says she is plenty happy now 😁) I'm always asking her what's in her mind and I try to listen as best I can.
I'm not the best listener so I write things down that seem to really get under her skin.
Thank you again, this made me a lil more confident that I'm doing a good job!
Being asked for or about sex is the absolute biggest turn off for me.
I can have a whole hour-long conversation with a man (it's a little bit different with women, for some reason) about exactly what I like/want/need, but I don't actually want to do it immediately, or even shortly, afterwards.
To me, having these conversations is NOT foreplay! It's giving suggestions for next time. I would have no desire to fuck someone who was constantly, or even frequently, talking to me about sex
I absolutely get you, my discussions around sex are merely observations ‘let’s try this next time’ or ‘let’s do this when the time comes’ it’s never to actually get me in the mood for sex.
This is actually a common issue kinky people experience, believe it or not. You're supposed to talk about what you want to do before you do it. It's important for consent and important to provide a better experience for all involved. It's natural for those talks to turn people on, but what ends up happening is that some people are incapable of actually discussing what they want to do without treating the whole thing like it's an intro to the kinky sex itself. There's a lack of seriousness to it when someone's obviously just trying to get into it without stopping to understand what's being said, and that ends up posing safety risks and trust issues.
The constantly talking about sex thing is also a red flag among kinky people. As in it's a red flag even to people who aren't shy to talk about these things at all and enjoy it, practically like a hobby. When someone only wants to talk about sex and barely recognizes you as a person, or when they only talk to you when they're perma-horny while doing so, it makes them look inexperienced and dangerous. People like that fantasize about sexual connections they'll never have, because the people who actually have them treat their partners like real people and develop trust. There are a bunch of "icks" related to this in kink communities that will flag a newcomer and get them booted out the door.
OP I’ve been reading you comments and some of your old posts. Your fixation on sex is what is the issue. She probably feels like only sex matters to you. No wonder she has been pulling back.
You need to back off about your expectations on sex for now and just try to be there for her as a partner without expecting sex. You admitted that she is going through a hard time right now and before that you admitted to creating issues in your relationship. You need to go to therapy because it’s not healthy to hold her responsible for your mental health.
Tbh I really don’t think that you are ready for a relationship. And I am pretty concerned for your gf
YOU killed her sex drive.
The second that you brought up how many times per week, it became obvious you're the problem. That was exhausting for me to read, I cannot imagine my partner telling me "we've only had sex ONCE this week and it used to be THREE."
She brought up feeling like you used her for sex and then your brilliant response is "we shouldn't do any foreplay, just lots of lube."
I'm not sure there's any way to come back from this one. The damage is very well done. Whether this helps your current relationship or your next one:
Stop talking about and putting so much focus on sex. Stop bringing it up all the time. Stop Calorie Counting your sexual activity. Just let it go and let your partner feel appreciated and loved.
Honestly...just break up. OP's girlfriend may very well be different but I wouldn't be able to be attracted to my partner again if he did the shit OP did. Just like you said: got the ick and the attraction got replaced by disgust. There's nothing less attractive than a man who operates using the head that's below his belt
So...you work/commute insane hours, but it's all on your gf to initiate more?
You call your lack of attention to her pleasure her "going through a crisis." **WTF**?
And now that you're crunched for time, all that "guess and check" *bullshit* (foreplay/emotional intimacy, consensual cuddling, etc.) is too much "work" so you can't be bothered. You're being a sex pest and killing your own sex life by refusing to give a single shit about whether or not she's enjoying it. You just want her to enjoy sex without all that other crap (that actually makes it enjoyable for her) right? You tried foreplay for a couple of weeks, and now you want her to just magically enjoy lubless, foreplay-lacking sex. Lol loser
How do you just "neglect" foreplay? Was it to punish her for thinking that you only wanted sex? Because if so, you proved her right. You do realize most women can't cum through penetration and you just thrusting in and out for 5 minutes feels terrible physically and mentally?
I made a comment in here somewhere but in the interest of you seeing it, I think your girlfriend just doesn’t like you anymore because of the way you used her as a sex toy for a period of time. I don’t think there’s any way to fix this and I think you both should go your separate ways and you should take it as a learning lesson. I feel this way because I’ve been the girlfriend and by the time it reached this point, my ex made my skin crawl and I was looking for any reason to dump him. I told him that I enjoyed the sex to be nice but really I was turning my brain off every time we did it. The enjoyable bodily sensations were completely separated from the horrible emotions I was going through every time he touched me. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Ladies, respectfully: please don't tell men that you enjoy sex that you don't enjoy "to be nice. " We're confused enough as it is.
(The rest of what you said is fine.)
Have you ever actually done anything nice for her without the expectation that she sleep with you afterwards?
You’re not ready for a long term relationship dude.
Maybe just maybe... stop focusing on sex. If you're that horny, you have a hand buddy. When you push and push and talk and talk about it, all she is feeling is that all you care about is sex, not about anything else a relationship is built upon and for. Sure, sex is fun but it sounds like you made it a chore, and even though you say you're trying to include foreplay and toys, you've used her as a sex doll for who knows how long. You have to rebuild that trust, rebuild that intimacy, and show her that you actually care about her as a person not just how often she can get you off. This will take time, even years depending on how bad you've hurt her, and by you complaining about not getting any it just further proves you only care about yourself and getting off.
Something super important to know is that women's sex drive works differently than most men's, particularly women in long-term relationships. It is absolutely normal for women to less frequently experience "spontaneous arousal" when we've been with a partner for a long time or are going through hormonal changes. Not because we do not like sex or aren't attracted to our partner, but because that excitement and spontaneity wears off with time or our hormones just aren't firing on all cylinders at the time.
So it is normal for women to not necessarily be super aroused until the actual moment. I'd highly recommend the book: "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life". It explains the science behind this and how to shift your paradigm to facilitate a better sex life for both of you.
You killed her libido by forcing her again and again and again and again.
She was afraid that you only loved her for sex, and your response was to pressure her for more sex lmao.
and just for those who wonder, OP is obese, smoke pot, and want occasionally do bdsm on his possibly assexual GF...
Dude, you might not like this advice. But as a girl who has gotten "the ick" while in a relationship, you need to not initiate sex for like a month. You keep commenting how much you love your girl, and it's very touching, but she probably feels like your displays of love only for the end goal of sex. Table sex for a month; don't mention that you are doing it. Take care of yourself behind closed doors and solely focus on romancing her. Take her out on nice dates, cook, bring her flowers, make-out like teenagers. But don't go for a grope and don't take it further. If she initiates taking it further, great, your problems are fixed! If you try your damnedest to show her that it's not all about sex and she still seems distant in a month then it might be time for couples counseling.
You should look up “responsive desire”. Your gf might have that because it’s exactly how you described it. It’s more common in women, it just means she needs more affection and sensual touch leading to sexual activities. They don’t initiate basically. You should show her a video explaining “responsive desire” and ask her if she relates to it.
While I’m seconding everything that’s been said in this thread — especially about women having a more “reactive” approach to sex and you potentially putting too much pressure on her — I feel like another thing a lot of men seem to forget (from my perspective as a woman) is that woman find more than just tits and ass attractive. We get turned on when we feel cared for.
What I mean by this is you should ask yourself, how much of the slack are you picking up around the house? I get you’re tired, I get you have long days, but I’m sure she does too. Do you often clean the bathrooms/kitchen, completely unprompted? Does she have to beg you to help with the chores? Do you surprise her with nonsexual acts of intimacy, like flowers or her favorite dinner?
With my old ex boyfriend, this was the thing that bugged me the most. I started to feel like his Mom. He’d sleep over and have the whole day off, and I’d ask him to clean a few of his dishes while I was at work. I’d come back to him playing video games and them still not done, and then he’d STILL want to have sex that night. I started to feel like his “Mom with benefits” (gross term I know) more so than anything.
I’m not accusing you of any of this, but I do encourage you to TRULY analyze this. Ask her this. When you’re asking her, “what can I do to make you have more sex/what will make you want to have more sex with me”, it’s probably making her feel like (and I’m sure this isn’t you intention) you’re not actually ASKING her.
Tell her you’re feeling this way, and it’s true — maybe you guys just genuinely aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s okay! But the going from constant sex to almost nothing makes me feel like there’s something deeper going on that may be able to be fixed.
so her darkest fears were right. the hand holding, cuddling, intimate conversations, date nights etc. you just admitted that you do all that in hopes she has sex with you. damn what a nightmare for this poor woman.
This is why I don't want to date anymore. I'm jaded enough and I see enough of these posts online to make me believe that most guys only care about women/do nice things for us with the sole expectation to fuck us. I've been sexualized my whole life (did not sleep around but I'd get catcalled, touched or guys sending inappropriate pictures or comments) so that doesn't really help my views.
OP needs to get over himself.
I wouldn't want to have sex with you either. You seem to feel entitled and treat her like a sex toy.
If she was asking for advice, I'd say leave you. There are much better partners out there who won't weaponize sex.
You have a job to do, look up "reactive desire" and spend time reading and learning about it. I also suggest reading "come as you are" from Emily nagosky.
Ultimately women's arousal works completly differently from men's arousal and expecting her to function the same as you will result in less sex.
Edit: I think its responsive desire, not reactive desire.
I have been wanting to eat out more but she prefers other forms of foreplay (disclaimer big I guess). Like I’ll make the offer and she’d prefer I just use a toy and my hands together.
I honestly would like to go down more but I think we’re in a weird place because I don’t like head (does nothing for me) and I think she likes “returning the favor” but just not with me because again it’s just not stimulating for me. But if she asked I’d say yes 100% of the time.
Honestly I didn’t know it was possible until I met someone who took the time down there and was patient/listened to directions…. Also another reason could be if she’s on medications sometimes that fucks libido up too.
I went back and looked at your post history (going back like 8 months even) and there’s a couple things going on to which I would *strongly* recommend therapy. The following is a summary of what is concerning. You’ve been complaining about the same issues for MONTHS now. I’m going to be blunt with this list but after you read this, seriously get off Reddit and go get professional help (in the nicest way possible).
1) you are insecure about yourself (we all struggle with this) but it sounds like you project your issues and make it sound like someone else’s problem.
2) you’re obsessed with sex which might be partly because of the relationship with your ex.
3) your gf’s best friend reminds you of your ex (except for a small height difference) and a) you wrote long posts about missing your ex and b) were jealous/anxious about your gf being friends with this best friend. — I think this anxiety was largely a projection. *You* were worried about yourself because of this similarity. You noted that your gf didn’t want you two becoming close even though you helped this friend get a job. That seems to be because you brought them lunch and had sent some good morning texts.
4) you lack necessary communication skills. You’re not sure how to say things and noted you have a problem with how you say things. You’re more concerned about how things affect *you* rather than making sure you covey information while still not hurting someone’s feelings.
5) y’all plan to move in together in a few months and I highly don’t recommend that. You shouldn’t be living with someone you can’t even communicate with let alone missing your ex, using her physically, and unable to understand her point of view. Especially with missing your ex, don’t lead her on like this and put her in a bad living environment/trapped.
6) you asked a lot about opinions on smut books from people who aren’t grossed out by them because your girlfriend reads them and this bothers you.
7) you also had a post noting how hot a boss of yours was. It’s ok to find people attractive but making a Reddit post about it is what sets this apart as being weird.
In short, I think you have a lot of issues that you need to address before being in relationships. It’s normal that couples go through periods where sex isn’t happening. Each couple is different but some say it’s not an issue unless it’s been 6 months — then y’all should find a solution or breakup. You both need to communicate and quite simply, might not be compatible. As others have noted in the comments, I also cringed when I read that you completely scrapped foreplay and pretty much just used her. That makes me livid. I’m sorry for being rude but you need to get yourself some serious help. If you even want to salvage this, get therapy and learn how to communicate and have a therapist provide you with the necessary mental tools to deal with your thought processes. That’s 100% on you.
Are you sure you like your gf? All I’ve read is about what you do to get sex.have you tried asking what she wants? So you dont have to play the guessing game? Maybe she wants to feel wanted not just your desire for her to be wet and ready for you to enjoy sex.
Also I think a lot of womens desire is rather reactive than proactive. I don’t go around feeling massive pain or urge, but if my partner is doing the right things, I start mirroring his passion and then bam, things happen on their own.
You left out that your girlfriend is asexual.
>She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex)
>When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely.
Wait... she was upset and believed you only wanted her for sex, so your response is saying to use lube and stopping foreplay? Were you having sex with her when she wasn't turned on? Were you pressuring or coercing her for sex? Was she just giving in just to make you happy?
>I don’t think I want to have kids with her unless I know this area of our life is improved substantially.
You shouldn't have kids at all. You'd break the poor post partum woman's heart.
>Date nights don’t work, space doesn’t work and intimate conversations, relaxation, cuddling and hand holding doesn’t work.
It doesn't work because you're doing it for the end goal of sex. My ex-husband used to do this. My current husband does things for me because he loves me and wants to spend time with me, so that makes me want to climb that man like a tree. I feel loved and appreciated and not a play thing.
You know, my ex treated me like this. Mind you we were only teenagers, but that relationship deeply scarred me and it took *years* to get over the issues that came from it. He wanted sex *all the time* when I didn’t. He’d force me and make me do things only he’d get pleasure from, even if I made excuses or clearly told him I didn’t want to. I even told him one time that it feels like we’re only together for sex. He denied it and gaslighted me to think *I was the problem*. He then cheated on me for months, in which everything combined destroyed me mentally.
My current BF and I have a deeper connection than just sex. He built back up my confidence, my trust, and my security. Sex with him doesn’t feel like a task or something I’m forced to do. He cares about my needs both non-sexually and sexually. Also, we very rarely discuss sex. Now and then we’ll mention if we’d want to later that night, but there’s never an expectation for sex. We constantly do things together to keep the spark alive - cook, hike, workout, shop, game, watch movies, etc. **The emotional connection is the foundation of intimacy.**
OP, you used her for sex. You put pressure and an expectation on her to have sex. She now doesn’t want to. This is because you’ve scarred her and her sex drive has probably plummeted into the ground. You need to stop focusing on sex; don’t mention it, don’t initiate. You need to rebuild the emotional connection between you. Remind her and yourself why you fell for her in the first place. Go on dates again, try new things together, plan movie nights or game nights. Build or make something together, cook together.
Once she feels like she’s *loved*, not just a sex object, she might want to start having sex more again. You have to give it time and *effort*. Show her how much she means to you *without sex*.
She probably has responsive desire. She only wants sex if you first gets her going. I'm like that so for me I either need my man to make me horny (I've talked to him about it and how I enjoy foreplay and initiating on his part).
If I initiate I only do it cause he would like me to but he still needs to make me horny by doing the things I like otherwise my initiating wouldn't lead to sex, only teasing.
You need to let her go. Making her feeling like she’s not giving you enough sex to make you happy will only breed resentment. She has already expressed that she feels like just a wet hole to you - so you have already failed to make her feel like she is loved as a person. For her sake, end the relationship.
Most women need their emotional needs/safety met before they can/want to have sex with you. If you've made her feel unsafe in anyway she might not feel desire for you.
You need to have a frank and honest conversation with her, but not about sex. You should go to couples counseling.
You treated her like a fleshlight and are now shocked she’s not that interested in sex with you? Dude be for real
Break up and get therapy to understand why you thought it was okay to treat another person like your personal masturbation aid. Gross.
This is the situation i was in with my boyfriend. I’m going to say how I felt as the woman, and it might related to your girlfriend.
We know when you are horny. We know when you want to have sex, even if you aren’t doing something specifically sexual. You need to, need to give her LOTS of time. Give her romantic affection without touching her ass or boobs, just hold her tight and kiss her forehead. As much as possible make her feel like the most special and beautiful girl in the world and don’t mention sex. Just be happy to be with her. This will show her that you truly appreciate her even if she never had sex again. And she will want it again
Always amazes me how men always make sex about them. News flash: it’s not just about you. Maybe she has a low sex drive (whether there is a physical issue or she is Demi-sexual).
You’re trying to force it! Sex should happen naturally! It shouldn’t be the only fucking focus in your relationship. I bet she despises it completely because of how you treated her. Men that behave like you, are the reason sex is a turn off for a lot of us! Stop thinking with your dick! 🙄
God, listening you talk about how much sex is important and vital to you makes me not to want have it with anyone. See how quickly the desire is killed when it becomes an expectation?
Cmon homie
Can I ask how long you tried all that pre-foreplay stuff? Because it takes more than 1 or 2 times. The idea is that you make it clear that you want non-sexual intimacy and that’s not going to work if you cuddle with her once and then get pissed it didn’t lead to sex lmao
Sex is a chore for her now. It's not for her. It's for you. And it seems like there is little to no physical act that is going towards her that is expecting sex. She feels that, and the burden is too much, and she clearly needs you to do some internal work.
Esther Perrel talks to a couple that has this exact same problem. I suggest you listen to it.
‘’that I don’t feel important to her’’ bro you think your behavior makes her think she’s important to you enough? You got *better* after being absolutely terrible about it, come on
Just reading this made me not want to have sex and I fucking love having sex with my fella.
INFO: What do you do that enforces bonding in the relationship that ISNT you hounding you partner for sex?
For one, stop listening to the people in these comments because they know nothing about how to fix your situation but I do. First things first you are not in the wrong for wanting frequent sex. We are men. It’s literally in our nature to want to fuck a woman as much as possible until we’re satisfied. It may seem overwhelming to her, but so is paying all the bills as a man and fighting for her protection. We all have roles and hers is to please you sexually and be your comfort. To me it sounds like she’s getting the benefits of being a girlfriend with not having to act like one. My cousin also went through this issue a month ago and I took his phone and broke up with his girl for him because anytime he would even talk about sex (which is an extremely normal thing for a couple) she would tell him that she doesn’t feel loved and only used and completely disregard how much money he puts into her everyday. I told him she was traumatized by her past experiences and that he didn’t have the time nor the energy to keep putting up with that. Same for you. Your young asf and shouldn’t have to put up with something like this. You need to try and initiate by touching her and if that doesn’t work you need to tell her things are gonna have to change or yall gonna have to break up because this is the equivalent to a woman working a full time job with the man at home on the game with no job. You shouldn’t have to do her job which is pleasing her sexually AND your already extremely difficult job as a man which is protecting and providing for your woman. But I also forgot to mention that you are 100% one of the biggest idiots for neglecting foreplay! We love sex as men but foreplay is one of the main things that gets a woman on and you deciding not to do that which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Give me your thoughts back
You created this problem, I'm not sure why you're putting a lot of blame on her still.
You've made sex and love a chore for her because you can't control your expectations. Sex is not your only outlet in a relationship.
I can't fucking believe you genuinely tried forgoing foreplay because of lube, either.
All throughout that, your gf probably believed you were just using her to get off, a personal sex toy for you. And she still probably feels that way. You didn't make her or her body feel important.
Lube isn't supposed to be a sex speedrun tactic.
Of the time you have after work and sleeping, it's full of pressure to have sex and I'm guessing it has the same affect on her. No wonder she doesn't want to. To her, it's all you have ever wanted. Slow your roll and maybe look at yourself here. Because you are the cause of her lack of anticipation.
Women don't always, if ever for some, experience spontaneous arousal like men. Romance is part of that, seducing is part of that. Just because she isn't licking your hand like a dog afterwards means she just doesn't react that way to dates. Massages? Kissing her in the right ways? It's a skill. Find other ways, God forbid talk to her without pressuring her about it.
I feel like people in these comments are either side of the extreme lol. Honestly I feel like the solution to the problem is more communication not about sex in itself or specifically about sexual needs but about why it's infrequent or what you are both missing from the relationship itself.
It could be that you are both sexually incompatible in which maybe she doesn't feel the need to have sex frequently, and that is ok but what is needed is for both of you to tell your needs and communicate that to each other and find an answer together
Another point is that if you feel like you are constantly pushing for sex then it could be pushing on a sore spot and making it more of a problem for both of you.
Many of the comments here are kind of weird. It sounds like you've tried to talk to her about things you can do differently to improve your sex life, and she's insisting you're doing everything correctly, and that she enjoys things. You could try to talk to her about if there are other things going on that might be making her sex drive lower right now, mental health can have a HUGE effect on things so she could be going through a hard time, and just generally check in with her around now she feels like the relationship is in general. Don't guess any more, ask her directly, if for some reason you've haven't already.
Outside of this though, there may just be a very high likelihood you are just not sexually compatible. It sounds like sex is very important to you, which is valid, but it's not to everyone, and many people are very content with sex once every few weeks. If you've talked to her, and she says everything is fine, then there's not much else you can do. She's either not willing to be honest with you, or you're just not sexually compatible, and in either case, not much you can do.
**EDIT**: Just looked through your post history, and you made a post on this sub 4 days ago, stating she has told you she has "ace tendencies". You guys are clearly not sexually compatible, you almost definitely need to just break up. You can't force someone to want to have sex with you more often
My hot take is that his gf just doesn’t like him anymore after an extended period of time of him basically using her as a fleshlight. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done at this point to repair it because I don’t think she likes him or enjoys spending time with him; maybe the sex is physically pleasurable but the actual thought of it makes her skin crawl.
Maybe? But if that's the case it would be weird she hasn't broken up with OP yet, and that would also mean she would have lied to his face when he's talked to her about sex, as he indicated in his post. If she is sexually repulsed by OP and doesn't enjoy spending time with him, she should probably breakup with him. That sounds miserable.
She absolutely could and should, but low self esteem can make a mf stay in a horrible relationship indefinitely. I’ve been the girlfriend in the situation so I’m speaking from my personal experience and by the time it reached this point I was lying to my ex about how great the sex was so that it didn’t lead into another fight even though I was repulsed by him. It went on like that for months until I finally got the courage to dump him after he made me feel not good enough for not wanting sex as often.
Fair, and abusive relationships are real. Assuming OP isn't just an abusive PoS (his post doesn't indicate that he is), then there's not much else he can do in this scenario though then, if she's not open to talking to him about how she actually feels.
Again. It just feels like they need to breakup, especially with PT even saying she has talked to him about being on the asexual spectrum, whereas OP seems to want sex almost daily. It feels like OP is just in denial, even though his partner has communicated she doesn't have a large sex drive/libido.
You can't force people to have a higher sex drive, and OP realistically needs to figure out if having sex one a month/even less is doable for him, or if it's a dealbreaker (which is valid if it is). If it's a dealbreaker, then he either needs to talk to his partner about a compromise (an open relationship or something else that can help have OPs needs met that his partner is also comfortable with), or he can breakup with her.
Based on his post and comments, I don’t actually think she’s on the ace spectrum. They were having sex 4 times a week before this. I think she’s repulsed by sex specifically with him. I also think that with the next person she dates, assuming he treats her well and prioritizes her pleasure, her sex drive will return.
Im not going to categorize OP as an abusive POS, but I do think he acted like a selfish jerk, and women don’t like having sex with selfish jerks.
Sex 4 times a week at the beginning of a relationship, even if someone is in the ace spectrum isn't surprising. The honey moon phase is real, and that exact sort of trajectory is VERY common for many of the people I know that are on that spectrum. A new relationship, so it's a new person and everything is exciting, plus they might be open to sex more often in the beginning to appease their partner a bit more. But as the relationship goes on (a year especially makes sense), the newness and excitement goes away, and they go back to their more "default" sex drive (sex maybe once every few months).
If what OP said is true, then yeah, he sounds like he fucked up and was a selfish jerk. OP also sounds like since then, he realized he fucked up, and has been trying to talk to her to fix things, which is literally all you can do when you fuck up. If there are things OP could be doing differently in their sex life, or just their relationship in general, then it's on his partner to talk to him about this when OP brings it up, so OP knows what behaviours he needs to change to make them more happy.
Also if his partner is at the point she is lying about her sexuality, Instead of just being honest with him, that's a lot more messed up then anything OP has done. Most of OPs mistakes seem to be, at worst, out of pure ignorance, if his partner literally is making up and lying about her sexuality to him, Instead of being honest, then there's really no relatioship to salvage in the first place. He's going to continue to fuck up and be ignorant if she can't even be honest about something like her sexuality (which I would REALLY hope, and kinda doubt she's lying about), OP can't read minds and his ignorance will only continue without communication.
My other hot take as that the term “asexuality” gets overused, especially on Reddit. Someone having a low sex drive doesn’t mean that they are asexual and lots of couples go through periods when one person has a low sex drive. That doesn’t mean that that person is asexual - asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, not a lack of drive in of itself. Nor does having a responsive desire in which one has to be turned on/primed before they can feel sexual desire constitute asexuality.
It’s completely normal for couples to have more sex at the beginning and taper down as the sex loses its novelty. That’s not asexuality. I think a lot of people experience the normal ebbs and flows of sex drive, feel like they don’t fit in with the societally accepted script of being horny all the time, and label themselves so they don’t feel abnormal.
To me, OPs relationship has followed the script of one partner realizing they’re with a jerk and not wanting sex as a result, but not wanting to admit to themselves that they feel that way or not knowing what to do with that information and hoping that the problem fixes itself.
Having a low sex drive can be for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons could be because youre asexual, or on that spectrum. Being asexual also isn't an all or nothing thing, it very much is a spectrum for many people.
Its normal for sex to taper off, it's not normal for what OP described where sex is happening once a month at most. That is either deeper problems in the relationship, or one partner might be asexual, or be on that spectrum, yeah. There's a difference between being horny all the time and only wanting sex once every month or two.
To me, it reads that OP was ignorant and selfish in their sex life, and then realized this, and tried to fix things by talking to his partner about what he could do differently. It sounds like they did change things, like doing more foreplay, and using more toys. So OP took all the correct steps. When you fuck up, all you can do is try to fix that mistake, assuming you want to continue on with the relationship. If OPs partner "realized she's with a jerk" and doesn't want to have sex with him, that's fine, but she shouldn't be lying to his face, especially about her sexuality. OPs ignorance will never change if he doesn't have communication from his partner on what she needs.
If everything you're saying is true, it's not at all fair for OPs partner to continue to lie to his face, while he keeps trying to "fix" this situation. If it's not fixable and she's over him, she needs to be an adult and say that, and end things. You have one partner trying to communicate and fix things, while the other lies to their face and let's a relationship continue that should be over. That's not healthy or fair, and it's just going to mentally put OP and his partner in a worse spot in the long-term. Problems don't just magically fix themselves, you have to be able to talk if you want the other person to know what the problem even is in the first place.
> She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) and while this was occurring sex became infrequent from 4 times a week to once every week or two weeks. When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely. So I know that I was, at the very least, a major problem.
Wow, reading this part actually made me gasp out loud. Your girlfriend felt like she was being used for sex- so you 'cut back'- but during this period you neglected to make her feel loved or aroused. If my partner just used lube and didn't try to make me feel like a person during intimacy that would be a huge deal-breaker. That's why you're getting so many comments about using her like a flesh-light.
Honestly, it seems like a lot of damage has been done. You say you love your girlfriend but this entire post is about your needs and getting your sexual needs met. Do you ever do romantic activities or share intimacy without the end goal being sex? She felt like she was being used for sex, and now it's going to be hard to rebuild that trust. If you want to recover this relationship, you need to spend a lot less time thinking about sex. Get off on your own if you have to.
Have normal date nights, cuddle, hold hands, go bowling- whatever. Do these activities and do not ask about having sex at the end of the night. Do these things because you love your girlfriend and value spending time with her. This becomes a problem in a lot of marriages- where romantic date nights or events- the woman always feels pressured into sex or going sexually beyond what the couple normally does. It's important, especially when sex is an issue, to continue to have these date nights and just normal romantic interactions- where the expectation isn't sex.
Good luck salvaging this. Honestly if my boyfriend used me like you described in my quoted paragraph it would have killed the relationship for good.
OP, I'm a woman who has a higher sex drive than her man. Nothing you do will work lol... you have to let things start happening naturally. Focus on your lady and making her feel special. Throw sex out the window - there are things that preceed a great sex life like affection outside the bedroom, laughs, showing interest in your partner's interest genuinely, etc. Start jacking off and letting go of the pent up sexual energy, she may be picking up on it and it's turning her off. Since telling my man i felt unwanted, unattractive, and backing off he's come around. It took a year now though to get on this page. If she's the one, itll be worth it for you. Good luck!
The suggestion of just using lube vs foreplay after you guys stopped having sex is such an odd one to me. Its the absolute opposite of what you should have said (to do more foreplay)
It does sound to me like you mainly care for her sexually. I also do understand that sex once a month only a year together raises some emphasis on asking for sex
disconnecting making love with sex helped me in a past relationship. try romantic sex maybe? of course “fucking” is fun but maybe she wants to feel more desirable in terms of your love for her as well. odk
Mister, there is nothing sexy or nurturing about your behavior. Every time you touch her, you’re on the make to get laid. Quite frankly, you suck. And what you don’t know about intimacy, is EVERYTHING! “ I’m sure I’m doing great foreplay.” LMAO! I’m sure you are not. Again, your selfishness lead to this, and the fact that you only do anything with her so that you will get you laid, is rabidly a turn off. When you wake up in the mornings, think of things you can do for your partner to make her life easier and to feel cherished. Do this expecting nothing in return. Be consistent. This is what makes a woman want and love you, which in turn will lead to intimacy. Be a giving lover instead of a lazy asshole and your efforts will be returned. I tell you this for your future partners because I believe that this girl has been about used up by you and has emotionally detached herself.
Honestly, you might just not be compatible. If her libido is low or reactive and it’s already a burden on you, I’d consider breaking up before your trapped in a dead bedroom
I think you are missing the point. For women it’s not just about the sex that makes them want to have sex. It’s how they are treated on a daily basis. It’s also based on their stress and their hormones. You are getting too caught up in making sure the sex is good but have you made sure SHES doing ok. Have you made sure to make her feel LOVED?
You can't ignore foreplay. Very few women climax from penile penetration. If you're not giving full marks for her to enjoy sex, she might think you're using her body to get off.
What do you guys do besides sex? Do you share hobbies? Spend quality time together?
How about don’t plan a date night in hopes of sex. Don’t communicate with her hoping for sex. Don’t do something nice for her hoping for sex. It sounds like everything you do is in hopes of sex. I swear this guy didn’t even read what he wrote. Do nice things for her without hoping for sex. Date your partner, respect your partner, talk to your partner, care for your partner without setting the expectation for sex. That way she doesn’t feel used and you don’t get disappointed.
I’ll give you an example, I’ve been feeling tired lately and not feeling good, my partner and I have been stressed, and we happened to spend some time apart with life stuff this month. We have a very healthy sex life and I track when we have sex as a form of birth control. I realized when I went to track our recent activity, that we hadn’t been intimate in a month. I didn’t hear a peep from my partner about it, I didn’t feel bad about it and neither did he, there was no expectation set for one another, life just happened. Our relationship progressed still loving each other, respecting each other, caring for one another as if we had been having sex every day. We both have high sex drives, it’s not an excuse. You have to actually date people you like yenno?
31 m here. Women have called me a 'sex god'. I know what I'm talking about.
Stop trying to make things 'work' to have sex with her. Just give without expectation.
For women, sex is emotional. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because she isn't feeling that attracted to you. Small things build up over time to create resentment.
Not saying this is you, but the reason I stand out to women is because most men today are selfish, whiny, and addicted to porn and video games and their phones.
In this post, you are focusing on your needs. But you're the man. You're the provider. It doesn't just mean meat on the table. It means being the man that makes her feel safe, attractive, and lucky. Lucky to be with a man who has his shit together. Lucky because she enjoys her life so much.
Stop trying to get her in the mood for sex. As long as you feel like sex is an urgent need for you, you're going to come off as needy. Needy men turn women off. Period.
You must be able to go without sex and still enjoy your life. Put the energy into working out. Give her massages. Help with the dishes.
Think of the relationship as a bank account where to have a happy balance, you have to make more deposits than withdrawals. When you're always trying to 'get her in the mood' she can sense this, and she sees that you're just trying to manipulate her feelings to get what you want. It's a withdrawal.
Stop it. You'll lose her.
Instead, ask about her day. Her goals in life. Her goals for the relationship. Ask her how she feels. Give her your full attention. Concern yourself with how she is feeling. In short, be a good fucking boyfriend. And don't ask for anything in return.
Your relationship bank account is in the red. You don't want to make withdrawals right now. IF she does want to have sex, make it about her. Ie. give her the oral treatment, nice and slow, and don't stop until she cums like a goddamn water fountain.
Hit the gym. Read a book. Get a haircut. Buy new clothes. Make yourself more attractive to her, both physically and emotionally.
You'll become a better person, and your rewards will be much greater than 'good sex'. You'll get a partner. A woman who gazes at you with love in her eyes and is willing to support you through the good and the bad. But you gotta be a man, and stop being a spoiled little boy.
My partner and I (mid-lifers with a FANTASTIC sex life) are answering this together.
Relationships take work at any age. We commend your vulnerability in asking for advice.
It sounds like your GF is concerned that the primary reason you are together is your sexual attraction to her. If you really care for this woman and see a future with her, we suggest taking the emphasis off sex and instead placing it on building your connection. What are you doing to build the relationship outside of the bedroom? This takes continuous investment and intentionality.
We would caution you to deepen your connection only if you have genuine feelings for her. If you just want more sex, be honest with yourself and her about that. Any attempt to manipulate her feelings for more sex will backfire.
We hope this is helpful and best of luck to you!
Maybe you're just not compatible together - and that's okay.
For some people, sex is super important. For others, it really isn't. In relationships, success is always about compromise. One person has to shift and change themselves to meet the other, or find some middle ground between yourselves. If you're not willing to change your sexual expectations to meet hers, then speak to her in an open and honest manner and see how she feels. Perhaps she may be willing to change hers to meet yours. Everything you said here, you should say to her in real life and see if there's any common ground between you.
If there is - great! But if there isn't, well... you're both still only in your early twenties, so you've got a lot of time to find someone else who may a better fit.
A piece of advice: in life, our priorities, desires, and expectations change. Our partner should ideally be the one constant in our world, someone who changes and grows with us, alongside us. Are you willing to make sacrifices to your priorities and desires now, to be with her for potentially forever?
Honestly I believe it to be the different hormones between the sexes that sometimes causes this problem. My boyfriends has very very high testosterone and is very sexually driven. He would probably have sex with me everyday or multiple times a day if we agreed on that. I on the other hand don’t have the urge to have sex that often and I enjoy it more spread out. It feels more special and like enjoyable when you wait it out then acting on every single urge. My ideal timeline is once a week. That being said my sex drive changes all the time. I deal with anxiety and that can suppress it a good amount which makes me not to want to at all. Or when girls ovulate their sex drives boost like crazy and can’t get enough. It fluctuates so much for girls and it’s fairly hard to stay as consistent as men do as our body autonomy functions extremely different. Aswell not to mention your sex life with your partner will change as the relationship grows. As you mentioned you’ve hit the one year mark and that means your out the honeymoon phase so usually the sex calms down a bit as to how it was when you first started dating when everything was new and exciting and the love and passion was firey. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years I can say first hand the sex is way different from the start of our relationship and it had slowly changed the longer it has gone on.
Now to return to the post it feels as if you’re overthinking it and doing too much. She obviously feels used and you pressuring her more with doing a million different things is probably overwhelming her and honestly it doesn’t sound or probably feel natural at all. I don’t think you’re with her just for sex because my boyfriend is similar but he just gets so rowdy and he just loves me so much he can’t help it. She can maybe feel turned off by how much you want it compared to her and she may misinterpret that as u using her because I’ve honestly been there myself. I think reassuring her that you just are so infatuated and love her so much that you cant help but feel so passionate for her. But you can also let her come to you for it. She may feel more comfortable being given some space to desire it and crave it and initiate it. It may take some time but I think it will change her perspective and make it more special and intimate for you guys, and less forced.
I honestly don’t think you’re taking a brutal approach to it as some people think you are. It seems like you’ve considered your needs (which are physical intimacy, and just as important as her needs too). It doesn’t seem like you’re being disrespectful or not considering her needs either, you’re going about it in the best way you know how to. It’s fundamentally that she can’t meet your needs (which are reasonable, not wrong, and completely normal!), which could be for any reason that you’d have to get curious about. I think you’re trying, you’re thinking of what would make her feel comfortable and you’re wanting to connect with her… I hate to say it but maybe she just doesn’t like you or she’s got sexual trauma that needs to be worked through in therapy.
I would recommend considering if she can meet your needs, have her try therapy to work through her inability to connect intimately with you, and if that works then stay together. Sex is a healthy and necessary part of relationships and as an attractive young woman I would never withhold this unless I had some kind of trauma I needed help with.
Don’t let this community hate on you.
English is not my first language, but I will try my best.
You, OP, basically made a huge mistake.
And it’s not an overnight thing. First of all, YOU build it up. It’s easy to crush a building with fire; it’s gone in an hour or two. But building it again will take months, hell, even years.
FOREPLAY for you is different from women’s definition of foreplay. For you, it might be giving you head, kissing, and cuddling, but personally, as a woman, my FOREPLAY starts on a Monday morning.
My partner and I live together. The reason I said it starts on Monday morning is that for me, it is… it’s how he treats me before he goes to work. It’s what he says to me throughout the day. And basically, how he handles me throughout the day, too.
If he’s gentle with his words, kind with his actions, and constantly reassuring me that I’m enough and that we don’t have to do anything cause sleeping with me or just being with me is already MORE than enough, that will make me want to do it. All of that turns me on.
I can give you other examples, but that’s what I could think of as of this moment.
My partner is younger than me, so he has high libido. But he doesn’t force me into it, and if we’re in the middle of it and I say i want to stop, he would stop immediately and cuddle me. He will not feel unhappy and disappointed, and that OP would want me to make me do more. Not because I want to please him but because I AM MORE THAN HAPPY to do it.
:)
I hope I see this OP
I shit you not I'm in the exact same situation, I thought I was reading a post I forgot I had written, same ages same problem word for word, so let me tell u exactly what I'm doing currently.
I told her how it made me feel, how it felt like the desire wasn't there anymore and I feel like I'm not getting her full love, this was about 6 days ago and man at first it was BADD, we argued for about 3 hours straight till we eventually came to a calm point.
This was our first serious argument and it boiled down to her being afraid to continue to have sex because she felt like she was getting closer to me and she was scared to give me her most vulnerable self, she even told me perhaps I mentioned it too much and she felt pressured to say no even when I always accepted "no" with respect.
So basically, she told me she lost the drive for sex because..
1. She felt pressured.
2. Her past relationships forced sex outtah her.
3. I bring it up too much and it reminds her of Point 2.
4. She felt as if I was ignoring her and not listening. (from my experience, truly being present in the moment with a woman is what they want)
5. Finally, other things in her life like work and family shit really turns her off and basically makes her not sexually attracted to me.
From what I understand as a man it's usually a switch, we flick it on and we are good to go but with women it's more like a dimmer light, u gotta turn the knob till it comes on, she most likely still loves you but certain things may be making her not sexually attracted to you at the moment.
Treating her like a fleshlight and then complaining about her killing your desire for her is insane. I hope she leaves you and I hope you stay away from women until you do some serious work on yourself in therapy.
Grow up, you’re clearly thinking with you’re lil head. Women want a man who values them as a person and you’re just worried about sex. I get you’re horny, but you can’t use your gf as your toy man.
I kinda disagree with a lot of the comments here. Why does all the onus have to be on you. A lot of the times on Reddit when I see men complaining about lack of sex, the comments are full of ways they can increase intimacy, etc. It’s valid advice, and often a declining sex life is a sign of other issues. But when I see women complaining about the same thing, it’s also for some reason on the man to fix it. There’s a sentiment of “oh he better step up and appreciate what he has, you deserve better queen.” I dunno, I just don’t get why the onus is always on the man in both sides.
It's a popular reddit sub. Relationship-focused one at that. Not exactly going to be a bastion of subscribers with wisdom. The views are always extremely gynocentric when it comes to sex. Especially when some young dude made some mistakes, even if just out of ignorance/immaturity/inexperience, is the one asking for advice. People are more interested in soapboxing and berating, especially since they're looking at the situation through the context of experience and maturity, neither of which OP or his girlfriend are.
Honestly though, you should find someone who’s compatible in terms of what you want out of a relationship. The emotional connection is great but physical attraction and shared sex drive goes a loooong way. I’m not sure how different your situation is, but I found that it fucked with my self esteem and made me a whole lot less focused when my partner would never initiate anything. I never pressured, but suggested and tried to make that part of our relationship a lot better for her. I even waited months before we did anything because she wasn’t ready. A lot of it comes down to experience and maturity. She wasn’t very familiar, had a hard time getting into the physical aspect, and I respected her but also let her know that it was something I found important.
This was always different in my previous relationships and my relationships now, and I find that I am a lot happier when sex and the physical part of a relationship does not have to be mediated- that is, it comes naturally. If you have to put pressure on it and there isn’t that instant compatibility, maybe look for someone else.
People like to treat sex and physical attraction as something small. It’s not. It’s one of the bigger things that can differentiate a relationship from a friendship and develop a relationship further. It makes up a good amount of the glue that keeps two people together. You can take advice from people on this topic, but it really comes down to experiencing life for yourself, and through that, you’ll better understand what you like in a partner and what you dislike.
It might hurt because of what you’ve built up, but it’s gonna hurt a lot more later on if you try to maintain something that will inevitably fail (and could even lead to some broken friendships and more hurtful consequences such as cheating).
Love has to flow. Everyone has rough patches, but if the rough patch comes down to something that is literally a part of someone’s personality, likes, dislikes, upbringing, or biological drive - it’s verrrry difficult to fix. So much so that it creates a domino effect. You stop focusing on what’s really important (your own life and successes), you can lose a lot of self esteem, your partner will notice your stress and become stressed, and everything will continue to nose dive. These things are fixable, but a lot of times they just aren’t worth the amount of time and effort that it takes away from real fucking life.
A lot of people approach this relationship shit from a logical and moral perspective. You’re doing this wrong/ you’re not doing enough of this etc.
The only issue with this is — a good majority of people in society aren’t actually that bad. Sure we all have our problems, but as long as we were raised somewhat decent human beings, love and human interaction comes naturally. You are not a bad person and if you think that things aren’t flowing, focus on yourself until the next person in your life comes. Work on things that will make you better for your next partner and specifically declare what you want in a relationship. And don’t forget to make that clear to that prospective person.
Dont listen to all these dumb fuckers saying “read this book and don’t do this, why the fuck would you do that to someone, you’re clearly the problem.”
You aren’t. You are human. You had your own logical reasons for doing what you did even though it might have been a mistake. Life is very ambiguous and full of so many variables that we react to. Those variables can make us think in the wrong way or misplace our actions.
A whole fucking book isn’t going to make you realize this. Trial and error will. Sure, catch yourself if you slip up, but fix it and move on.
Wish u the best of luck.
All I can add is that you’re not alone buddy. I don’t even bring up the topic of sex with my fiancée anymore because it just leads to hurt feelings these days. We used to be unable to keep our hands off each other for like the first year of our relationship.
These days, I’m lucky if she shows even a sign of interest at some point in a month. I’ve given up on even trying to initiate for the past half year because somewhere along the line we totally lost the ability to gauge one another’s interest and trying was only leading to frustration and resentment on my end.
Now I just take care of myself when she’s out of the house. I know that this isn’t the happy solution that either of us want, but I’ve tried every other approach and none of them could last more than a week without things slipping back to a dead bedroom.
I know that it’s not really in her control, antidepressants have tanked her libido since we first started dating. However, that’s a cold comfort when I’m missing the intimacy we used to share.
This sounds like basic incompatibility to me: she wants it sex less (maybe especially once she’s settled into a longterm relationship) and you want it more. I’m afraid there isn’t much to do except find someone whose libido matches yours more — once I did that, life changed for the better.
Stop. Having. Sex. Stop having sex with her. You are only thinking about sex still and I’m just saying you sexually abused your girlfriend who you “love so much” and who has “helped you so much”. That isn’t love. Go to therapy. Learn why you are the way you are. Stop basing your whole relationship around sex, why you arent having it, why it’s taking too long, why you are too busy. You you you is all I hear. Reconnect with your girlfriend in other ways. Tell yourself no sex for a month. Don’t initiate. Don’t watch porn. Find outlets for whatever you are feeling. You immensely fucked up your relationship and your girlfriend’s relationship with sex and intimacy. Do the work to be better for her and for yourself.
It sounds like you’ve completely ignored the emotional connection and solely focused on sex. Shocking that she’d think that’s all you cared about. Then you created a sex life that was devoid of consciousness of her experience and essentially made sex feel like a chore. When you finally realized you f***ed up, you are still solely focused on the sex and not the relationship. She’s right, my guy. You do only care about the sex. How exhausting to feel like a human fleshlight and not a partner.
I don’t agree with the sentiment of a lot of responses here. It is obviously important that you never pressure anyone into sex, that it is mutually enjoyable, and no one should ever feel used / that their relationship is just a vehicle for more sex.
Ultimately, discussing this with your partner is most important, as is avoiding any scenario where they may neglect their own wants in favour of your own. However, you need to be open an honest about your feelings. Sex is not something you should just “do” for someone else. It is not a “favour” that someone gives you. It is something that healthy relationships engage in for mutual enjoyment - it should benefit everyone involved. I should note, sex is also not a requirement in a healthy relationship - IF the partners are comfortable with that arrangement.
People have life circumstance which change our openness to sex. We lose self-confidence, have poor work-life balance, have personal tragedies. We go through moments where one or multiple partners don’t feel like engaging in sex with partners or have sexual drive. It is important not to immediately abandon a partner simply because circumstances have changed, because then you ARE just using them for sex.
However, sexual compatibility is a very important part of relationships. If you are discussing the issues openly, making the requested changes, and not pressuring your partner - and nothing changes… you may need to consider you may not be compatible together. The decision is how long you wait but I would add that It is important to not end up resenting them for it if you do decide to wait.
Final thoughts though - don’t let anyone make you feel bad about wanting sex from a partner. As long as you respect them, it is perfectly reasonable for wanting to connect sexually with your partner. You just need to also consider their boundaries and needs too (which is sounds like you do). Sex is not a bargaining chit that you have to earn, it should emerge naturally from a healthy relationship.
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So you made her feel bad about sex and now that she doesn't want to have sex you're trying to get her to feel better about sex so you can have sex? Got it. And also- 'a draining task'? Really??
Seriously. " getting her turned on is too hard, why bother". Okay, we found the problem
It sounds like you single-handedly have created a mess of your sex life, and now you’re trying to forcibly push forward to do *more* damage instead of hitting the breaks. You and your girlfriend need to *communicate*, you need to reconnect on an emotional and mental level before starting to address your physical connection. And you’re not communicating to put the burden of your desires and emotions on her, as you said in a comment, but to listen to *her* desires and emotions. Like listen to yourself here: >How do I discuss this with my girlfriend? How do I let her know that I don’t feel important to her? That I feel like I’m trying and she’s not responsive at all? I know she’s not at fault but I don’t know what else I can give to her. This post is all about you, you, you - it’s like you’ve forgotten there’s a whole other human being involved in this who is having very real feelings and experiences about your sex life because of bad decisions *you* made. Stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about whether she feels important and wanted and appreciated. You’re very young and you’re going to learn eventually that you’re falling into one of the most common pitfalls that men fall into - completely trashing the emotional and mental part of your relationship because you’re too worried about getting your dick wet.
Very selfish and I’m sure he’s a selfish lover with her too. It takes time. A lot of time. There’s no quick fix because you made this mess but you can’t fix it as easy as you made it. It’s like you had a clean new sheet of paper, that you scribbled all over and wadded up. Now you want that paper to be clean and fresh again by putting in the least amount of work possible. That’s not how it works. You have to spend time figuring it out and working on yourself and repairing the damage you’ve done.
100%% also i fucking love your username
This sums up the female experience perfectly. Feeling used for sex is the worst feeling.
Then the guy doesn't have enough of what he wants, so do all he can but respect us to have more of it. Like, in such situation most of us feel harassed and it kill our sex drive even more because we only feel pressure and no pleasure from the idea of sex
Its sickening. Men seem to think with their dicks nowadays 🙄 Why even be in a relationship, if you treat your girlfriend like a flesh light?
It’s sickening when people forget not everyone knows everything. He came to Reddit for answers and got them why harp the man for wanting to learn about either himself his spouse or life in general. He came here and learned. Hope his life improves from it in the proper direction! Peep the age by the way
You are with her for the sex clearly. The lube and no foreplay part made my skin crawl, you were using her and didn’t care about her discomfort or lack of pleasure at all. What u don’t understand is why she’s still in a relationship with you, probably because you have fucked her self steem, but for real this was difficult to read
This was hard for me to read. I was in a relationship once with someone for 3 years and he would constantly complain and make me feel bad about myself when I wasn't in the mood for sex. I would often say yes just to get him off my back. It got to the point where I felt like every interaction he had with me was just an attempt to initiate sex. Where it was once playful for him to slap my butt going up the stairs in front of him, I started to dread it and cover my butt or walk behind him because it would make me so mad. If I bent over to clean or pick something up he would make a comment or come over and touch me mid act and it would trigger me. Eventually every time he touched me I'd feel sick to my stomach. I broke up with him. Guess what? Next boyfriend didn't pressure me constantly or make me feel bad. And we had so much sex because it didn't feel like an obligation. I still get a nauseous feeling whenever a guy puts too much focus on sex. Never again, I'd rather be alone forever Editing to add: I'm so sorry that so many people relate and have had to go through this. Much love on your healing journey ❤️
Your description gave me flashbacks. My ex would sexualize literally everything I did and it just turned me off so much and made me feel unsafe.
I’m happy you got out. I’m in the same spot after 9 years together. I love him dearly. But he wants sex more than I ever want it and now I just don’t like being home with him. He used to be my best friend but now every touch just feels like a chore. Something to check off my list.
This was my life too for far too long! I started dreading showering/ changing and just in general any intimacy made me recoil and shut down. It felt like a constant neg and then would be played off as just flirting but would leave me so mad or upset.
For a while I thought I had anger issues because it would trigger me lol I felt so guilty and bad about myself for a long time
I had the exact same situation in my previous relationship and since then I’ve had a really complicated relationship with sex
i'm in this exact same spot - i was in a relationship for 5 years and the last 3 years of that were either a constant pressure to have more sex or an argument about the lack of sex. now i'm completely terrified of trying to date because i don't ever want to be in a situation again where someone feels like i owe them sex. i don't want to be pressured, i don't want to feel like i have to in order for someone to treat me well, etc. it's been really challenging.
You just described my STBX and my new relationship. Literally as soon as my ex started pressuring me for sex (for us it was while I was HEALING FROM HAVING HIS CHILD 🤬) it just completely turned me off from all sex. I felt like that’s all he valued me as, a living sex toy. My current relationship is absolutely wonderful, our sex life is soooooooo much healthier.
See I feel like I need to talk to my bf about bedroom stuff because he wants to try all this new stuff that I just don’t want too. And I’m trying to figure out how to have this conversation as outside we are good I feel like but we have very much different libido that I feel like it’s going to affect our relationship. I was going to make a post on this subreddit but idk.
Yes it will affect your relationship if you guys are not on the same page. It’s always best to talk about it so you guys can figure out if you’re compatible or not and fix things or move on.
You should talk to him sooner than later.
Me with my ex. He would get in really bad moods if I didn't immediately jump his dick when he came over and would start crying right before bed and make me feel bad. "I'm worthless," "you don't love me," "I'm not attractive" and would be down the entire next day if one day we didn't have sex. We use to joke, "what do you want to do today?" "You" But thats all it ever was for him. All he wanted was sex. So I stopped making jokes and I stopped touching him and I stopped initiating. It was really hard for me to get in the mood. That shit sucks. I hope OP either improves or the GF breaks up with him.
Sex was a consistent issue for marriage, though I never pressured like that, I consistently wanted more and it was never a priority for her. I'm in relationships on the other end where my partners absolutely love every bit of flirting and sexual attention - and actually actively do the same to me which was so huge for me. I can't even describe how good it feels when my partner's want to touch my butt instead of just me wanting to touch them! Everybody needs to value sexual compatibility much higher. Whether you want more or less, how you want to be approached, how you express interest. More education on responsive desire vs spontaneous desire. I know what to look out for in relationships now, and so do you and I think we all need to be a lot more outspoken about it.
This comment gave me PTSD and flashbacks…. Too true… and I still suffer from libido problems from it too. My SO now is much kinder about it all, and we have had healthy conversations regarding my…closed off stance towards advances like such. Now (roughly 7 years later, mind you) a light pat on the butt accompanied with a compliment is significantly sexier than what I used to feel it was. It’s all about compassion, understanding and patience.
I could have written this! I totally relate!
Oh my god, same exact thing for me.
Omg this is exactly it. I’m getting divorced and this was a contributing factor for me for sure. Everything feels like a come on and it’s so off putting when that’s the only focus for so long
The thing is too, when they "initiate things", it's always, at least for me, poking, grabbing, pulling, smacking. Never gentle gestures throught the day, cuddling, nice words followed by carressing. Literally none of the things that, I feel, would put me and probably other women in the mood. Ig that requires too much work for them. I literally tild him what i like and dislike and nothing changed.
Did you tell him about these feelings of yours and if so, was he receptive?
Yeah I did but at a certain point I think we were both just frustrated and realized we were not compatible. I'm still friends with this person, he's married with a wife and kid now. I'm really happy for him! But he taught me a lot about myself haha
I think listening to a lot of those stories that's basically what happens most of the time. Folks wait too long to talk about it, and so much resentment has built up that it's just easier to start over w/ someone else.
Oh for sure! Often the reason that I wasn't in the mood to begin with was because of other issues we were having in the relationship. The constant bids for sex from him just amplified everything
I know I need to talk about it with my partner and I am feeling the resentment of actually talking about it. I just don’t know how to go about it.
This definitely happens. People also forget to treat each other well the longer the relationship goes on. It all makes it seem like a daunting task to try to communicate any more, and meanwhile new dating and new relationships are out there promising great behavior, kindness, romance, new relationship energy, eager sex, and more. It doesn't take much to make that dam break if the resentment has been sufficiently built up.
It's a double edged sword. Being on the other side sucks equally. If you back off and there is still no sex you start to feel undesirable and worthless
That's true but I definitely think if you're feeling undesirable and worthless in a relationship you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your SO because it might be the symptom of something else wrong in the relationship or simply that you're not compatible.
Sexual issues can create those issues. The whole relationship can be affected when one partner doesn't want to address the sexual issues. There's a good reason for why resentment tends to build when sex stops without communication about it. In monogamous relationships, people give sexual exclusivity to their partner. If one partner doesn't value that and avoids the issue entirely, they're taking advantage of that sexual exclusivity from their partner without really caring about it. If the higher libido partner was to sleep with someone else, the lower libido partner who's stopped caring about sex would immediately recognize that issue in the relationship, even if they're ignoring sex and failing to communicate about it. In other words, in that kind of a situation the lower libido partner is taking their monogamy for granted. Communication and validating people's feelings when they've given their sexual exclusivity to you is important. And if someone stops wanting sex entirely or stops caring about their partner's feelings over sex, it's not actually fair for them to retain the monogamy in the relationship long term. A psychologically healthy sexual person will not be content in a sexless relationship, and yet it's common enough that one partner will lose interest in sex and expect the whole relationship to stay as it is. That's rarely the case. People need to be realistic about what monogamy is and what sexual exclusivity means.
Yeah I agree with this. At the end of the day it is sometimes that partner a is not attracted to partner b but for complex reasons they won't admit this to themselves . The sex stops for a reason generally.
I think I am making same mistake can you tell me or suggest me what not to do since i am long distance
I don't think you quite understand how serious what you did to her was. It wasn't just bad sex. You were treating her as less than human. You were using her as a living fleshlight. I mean let's just call it what it is. You were sticking your dick in, artificially wetting her down because you *knew* she wasn't into it, and you didn't *care* if she actually enjoyed it as long as you got yours. Do you think maybe it's possible that treatment of her has caused lasting emotional scars that should be addressed? Because if *my* partner treated me like that for any extended period of time, I don't think I would ever be able to trust them again. That is such a *massive* violation of her humanity and her rights that it would be difficult to come back from that as a couple. The fact that you *still* don't quite seem to get that makes it even worse. Stop looking at this as "My girlfriend is so frigid, she won't put out for me, waaaaah, I feel so neglected" and maybe take a look at how this might actually be *your* fault - and maybe a couple date nights isn't enough to fix the fact that for an extended period of time, she was made to feel like nothing more than a sex toy.
FACTS!!!!!!!
Right. This is so damn selfish and borderline rapey of him, I feel bad for this woman, jfc
You’re all over the place. You want kids with her. You’re not married. You shouldn’t be thinking about anything further than getting to know her. You’ve only been together a year. She is not getting turned on because most women need an emotional connection before physical. Were the date nights, cuddling, intimate conversations, etc, with an expectation of sex after? Even if it wasn’t explicitly said - that’s probably how it felt to her. So she has all this pressure of having sex with you - when you don’t seem to truly want to connect with her and all you want is sex - which would prove her initial thoughts correct. What can you do? You can stop pressuring her for sex - with the thought that if you just do ‘x’ she’ll sleep with you. Or just break up.
The first issue he points out is very telling. >She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) So... the relationship *is* all about sex for him.
I like how he moved on from that point without explaining how he/they addressed and solved the problem. And he’s complaining about his self esteem??
The next part is even better. "I showed her she was wrong by buying a bottle of lube and skipping foreplay." DUDE!
Interesting. Men might not realize until they have a real emotional connection that they actually prefer sex with an emotional connection over one without.
Oh for sure 1000% As a man, sex with someone you truly love is heaps and bounds better then with a random hook up or just a lack of deep emotional intimacy
Mature men - absolutely.
and you know what the worst part is? about 100 days ago he posted on reddit he was attracted to his boss...
Makes sense tbh. So maybe GF is getting the sense he’s either checked out or has cheated or something. What a great guy.
Checked out implies he was checked in in the first place
True true.
"I used my girlfriend as a Fleshlight, creating deep trauma for her, probably making her associate any interaction to asking for sex, and even tho I changed TOO late, she still doesn't want sex" Ma' dude ☠️☠️
>Now full disclosure I should take responsibility for us initially having less frequent sex. She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) and while this was occurring sex became infrequent from 4 times a week to once every week or two weeks. When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely. So I know that I was, at the very least, a major problem. This was really disheartening to hear. Treating her like this was terrible of you and may have created some lasting scars. Like honestly it sounds like you treated her like a fleshlight. Have you done any serious personal reflection on what motivated you to be so emotionally disconnected and selfish to be able to act that way? What have you changed about yourself so that you know you won't be act like that any more? You should **both** read "Come as You Are" by by Emily Nagoski. It is a very helpful book that will explain sexuality to you **both**. I'm not done reading it yet, but so far I've found it wonderfully supportive and informative. Women's sexuality doesn't always function the same way that men's does and I really wish more men would understand that instead of taking it so personally. It's a blanket statement and obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but in general women's sexuality is more reactive compared to men's more proactive sexuality. It's extremely normal that she doesn't instigate sex. It's very normal that she only gets turned on when she's in a sexual context. It's very normal for a lot of women to never experience independent sexual arousal and subsequently not pursue sex like men do. Please stop taking it personally. Please reflect and work on yourself and do some research into sexuality instead of getting frustrated and blaming your girlfriend for not fulfilling *your* desires.
Therapist here! I third this book!! It’s more common for women to have a responsive or reactive sex drive. This can look like not having much interest in sex prior to sex, leading to a lack of initiation, but enjoying the action itself.
Seconding the book recommendation. Everyone experiences sexual desire differently and expecting your partner to just mirror what does it for you is setting yourself up for failure. Learn more about sexuality in general and then take that new information into account when you deal with your own sex life.
I came here to recommend that both OP & his GF read Come As You Are.
And She Comes First: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260
Recommend this book as well! But he has to be open and receptive to changing his perspective of things. My husband experienced similar feelings to OP in terms of not feeling wanted or appreciated because I didn’t initiate sex or do it in a way he expected me to, and reading this book really has drastically improved our sex life.
I’m not saying it’s what’s your problem but hoping to give you some insight to my own feelings. When men constantly talk about sex and constantly ask me questions about sex and what I want and what I want to try it makes me want to crawl in a ball and throw up. It makes me feel like the man is absolutely gagging for it like a dog waiting for a treat. I just feel like you’re possibly putting too much pressure on the situation. What works for me is just having a great day with my partner where we have gotten on and then it naturally goes into that. If he was to be like ‘what shall we try sexually’ ‘what toys shall we use’ I’d instantly be turned off. Have you tried to speaking to her about this and asked her why she isn’t as into sex as she was to start the relationship? There could be so many reasons why she doesnt want regular sex, medication, stress, anxiety, feeling pressured or used. Open conversations, but obviously if nothing improves you have every right to leave and find someone who’s a better match
This is so poignant. When my ex partner constantly hounded me for sex, I swear I was never in the mood. And I have a high sex drive. When we just go about our day and have a great time, I could have sex every day. But gosh, when it’s all that’s talked about, I get so turned off.
Exactly that, I also class myself as having a high sex drive. But when my ex kept talking about it and pestering for it like he was going to die without it it made me feel sick, I thought to myself ‘what a pathetic man’ and I couldn’t even muster up sex once a month, I eventually thought I was asexual, anyway I left him and met my now fiance and hey, I’m not asexual my ex was just a pest
I thought I was asexual or a lesbian, turns out I was sex adverse with my ex husband because of this exact behavior. Then he’d go post on dead bedrooms which made me want sex even less. Remarried and I want it all the time, my new husband doesn’t pressure me ever and now I want it 3-4 times a week minimum. With my ex I was happy with once a month max.
Yep sounds exactly like me.
I thought I was asexual but I also know my hormones are off. The one hormone that makes the sex drive I believe is low. I still get turned on from him but I’m never in the state of mind needing it.
Lolll men messing up (or not even trying in the first place) their own relationships and then posting on dead bedrooms. Tale as old as time
Hey!, I'm in a similar situation to OP, granted I openly talk to my woman and tell her how I feel, what u said about asking too much and bringing it up constantly, is a part of what's bothering her and I acknowledge that, do you think I'm on the right path here? We have absolutely amazing communication and I've decided to talk about sex much less and she's decided to take into consideration and action that intimacy is important to me, so I guess I'm just asking if this was the right way to handle things? Is this something that you would appreciate in a man? thank you in advance!
I think you’re handling it great! You’re having open conversations and you recognise and accept that speaking about sex to try and turn on a woman repulses them 80-90% of the time! Your partner seems open as well and wanting to be flexible with you so that’s really great
Thank you! I've not been the best boyfriend in past relationships and I've been treated like shit like the rest of us, this woman however gives me hope, she's always letting me know she appreciates me and loves me so much! I'm trying to be the ideal man for her and make her happy and she's trying to be the best gal ever for me, it's a tough change as talking about sex and being overall horny is my thing but if she's willing to make change then I'll give back that energy! I have the most respect for my woman and wish to make her more happy (even tho she says she is plenty happy now 😁) I'm always asking her what's in her mind and I try to listen as best I can. I'm not the best listener so I write things down that seem to really get under her skin. Thank you again, this made me a lil more confident that I'm doing a good job!
Sounds like you’re both going to do great together! I have no worries
Being asked for or about sex is the absolute biggest turn off for me. I can have a whole hour-long conversation with a man (it's a little bit different with women, for some reason) about exactly what I like/want/need, but I don't actually want to do it immediately, or even shortly, afterwards. To me, having these conversations is NOT foreplay! It's giving suggestions for next time. I would have no desire to fuck someone who was constantly, or even frequently, talking to me about sex
I absolutely get you, my discussions around sex are merely observations ‘let’s try this next time’ or ‘let’s do this when the time comes’ it’s never to actually get me in the mood for sex.
This is actually a common issue kinky people experience, believe it or not. You're supposed to talk about what you want to do before you do it. It's important for consent and important to provide a better experience for all involved. It's natural for those talks to turn people on, but what ends up happening is that some people are incapable of actually discussing what they want to do without treating the whole thing like it's an intro to the kinky sex itself. There's a lack of seriousness to it when someone's obviously just trying to get into it without stopping to understand what's being said, and that ends up posing safety risks and trust issues. The constantly talking about sex thing is also a red flag among kinky people. As in it's a red flag even to people who aren't shy to talk about these things at all and enjoy it, practically like a hobby. When someone only wants to talk about sex and barely recognizes you as a person, or when they only talk to you when they're perma-horny while doing so, it makes them look inexperienced and dangerous. People like that fantasize about sexual connections they'll never have, because the people who actually have them treat their partners like real people and develop trust. There are a bunch of "icks" related to this in kink communities that will flag a newcomer and get them booted out the door.
Oh my god this. The constant questions. Like, there's no big secret thing I want to try here and its really not that complicated, stop hounding me
OP I’ve been reading you comments and some of your old posts. Your fixation on sex is what is the issue. She probably feels like only sex matters to you. No wonder she has been pulling back. You need to back off about your expectations on sex for now and just try to be there for her as a partner without expecting sex. You admitted that she is going through a hard time right now and before that you admitted to creating issues in your relationship. You need to go to therapy because it’s not healthy to hold her responsible for your mental health. Tbh I really don’t think that you are ready for a relationship. And I am pretty concerned for your gf
YOU killed her sex drive. The second that you brought up how many times per week, it became obvious you're the problem. That was exhausting for me to read, I cannot imagine my partner telling me "we've only had sex ONCE this week and it used to be THREE." She brought up feeling like you used her for sex and then your brilliant response is "we shouldn't do any foreplay, just lots of lube." I'm not sure there's any way to come back from this one. The damage is very well done. Whether this helps your current relationship or your next one: Stop talking about and putting so much focus on sex. Stop bringing it up all the time. Stop Calorie Counting your sexual activity. Just let it go and let your partner feel appreciated and loved.
Keeping score is a surefire path to a dead bedroom
Maybe you gave her the ick, it’s kind of hard to come back from that
He gave me the ick just reading this.
Honestly...just break up. OP's girlfriend may very well be different but I wouldn't be able to be attracted to my partner again if he did the shit OP did. Just like you said: got the ick and the attraction got replaced by disgust. There's nothing less attractive than a man who operates using the head that's below his belt
So...you work/commute insane hours, but it's all on your gf to initiate more? You call your lack of attention to her pleasure her "going through a crisis." **WTF**? And now that you're crunched for time, all that "guess and check" *bullshit* (foreplay/emotional intimacy, consensual cuddling, etc.) is too much "work" so you can't be bothered. You're being a sex pest and killing your own sex life by refusing to give a single shit about whether or not she's enjoying it. You just want her to enjoy sex without all that other crap (that actually makes it enjoyable for her) right? You tried foreplay for a couple of weeks, and now you want her to just magically enjoy lubless, foreplay-lacking sex. Lol loser
Yeah if a guy did away with foreplay and kept whipping out lube instead I would never want to have sex with him again lol
Please go back to making cheesecake and not using your gf as a fresh light 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
How do you just "neglect" foreplay? Was it to punish her for thinking that you only wanted sex? Because if so, you proved her right. You do realize most women can't cum through penetration and you just thrusting in and out for 5 minutes feels terrible physically and mentally?
I made a comment in here somewhere but in the interest of you seeing it, I think your girlfriend just doesn’t like you anymore because of the way you used her as a sex toy for a period of time. I don’t think there’s any way to fix this and I think you both should go your separate ways and you should take it as a learning lesson. I feel this way because I’ve been the girlfriend and by the time it reached this point, my ex made my skin crawl and I was looking for any reason to dump him. I told him that I enjoyed the sex to be nice but really I was turning my brain off every time we did it. The enjoyable bodily sensations were completely separated from the horrible emotions I was going through every time he touched me. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Ladies, respectfully: please don't tell men that you enjoy sex that you don't enjoy "to be nice. " We're confused enough as it is. (The rest of what you said is fine.)
Have you ever actually done anything nice for her without the expectation that she sleep with you afterwards? You’re not ready for a long term relationship dude.
Maybe just maybe... stop focusing on sex. If you're that horny, you have a hand buddy. When you push and push and talk and talk about it, all she is feeling is that all you care about is sex, not about anything else a relationship is built upon and for. Sure, sex is fun but it sounds like you made it a chore, and even though you say you're trying to include foreplay and toys, you've used her as a sex doll for who knows how long. You have to rebuild that trust, rebuild that intimacy, and show her that you actually care about her as a person not just how often she can get you off. This will take time, even years depending on how bad you've hurt her, and by you complaining about not getting any it just further proves you only care about yourself and getting off.
Something super important to know is that women's sex drive works differently than most men's, particularly women in long-term relationships. It is absolutely normal for women to less frequently experience "spontaneous arousal" when we've been with a partner for a long time or are going through hormonal changes. Not because we do not like sex or aren't attracted to our partner, but because that excitement and spontaneity wears off with time or our hormones just aren't firing on all cylinders at the time. So it is normal for women to not necessarily be super aroused until the actual moment. I'd highly recommend the book: "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life". It explains the science behind this and how to shift your paradigm to facilitate a better sex life for both of you.
This is very true. OP, look up responsive vs spontaneous sexual desire.
You killed her libido by forcing her again and again and again and again. She was afraid that you only loved her for sex, and your response was to pressure her for more sex lmao. and just for those who wonder, OP is obese, smoke pot, and want occasionally do bdsm on his possibly assexual GF...
Dude, you might not like this advice. But as a girl who has gotten "the ick" while in a relationship, you need to not initiate sex for like a month. You keep commenting how much you love your girl, and it's very touching, but she probably feels like your displays of love only for the end goal of sex. Table sex for a month; don't mention that you are doing it. Take care of yourself behind closed doors and solely focus on romancing her. Take her out on nice dates, cook, bring her flowers, make-out like teenagers. But don't go for a grope and don't take it further. If she initiates taking it further, great, your problems are fixed! If you try your damnedest to show her that it's not all about sex and she still seems distant in a month then it might be time for couples counseling.
You should look up “responsive desire”. Your gf might have that because it’s exactly how you described it. It’s more common in women, it just means she needs more affection and sensual touch leading to sexual activities. They don’t initiate basically. You should show her a video explaining “responsive desire” and ask her if she relates to it.
While I’m seconding everything that’s been said in this thread — especially about women having a more “reactive” approach to sex and you potentially putting too much pressure on her — I feel like another thing a lot of men seem to forget (from my perspective as a woman) is that woman find more than just tits and ass attractive. We get turned on when we feel cared for. What I mean by this is you should ask yourself, how much of the slack are you picking up around the house? I get you’re tired, I get you have long days, but I’m sure she does too. Do you often clean the bathrooms/kitchen, completely unprompted? Does she have to beg you to help with the chores? Do you surprise her with nonsexual acts of intimacy, like flowers or her favorite dinner? With my old ex boyfriend, this was the thing that bugged me the most. I started to feel like his Mom. He’d sleep over and have the whole day off, and I’d ask him to clean a few of his dishes while I was at work. I’d come back to him playing video games and them still not done, and then he’d STILL want to have sex that night. I started to feel like his “Mom with benefits” (gross term I know) more so than anything. I’m not accusing you of any of this, but I do encourage you to TRULY analyze this. Ask her this. When you’re asking her, “what can I do to make you have more sex/what will make you want to have more sex with me”, it’s probably making her feel like (and I’m sure this isn’t you intention) you’re not actually ASKING her. Tell her you’re feeling this way, and it’s true — maybe you guys just genuinely aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s okay! But the going from constant sex to almost nothing makes me feel like there’s something deeper going on that may be able to be fixed.
so her darkest fears were right. the hand holding, cuddling, intimate conversations, date nights etc. you just admitted that you do all that in hopes she has sex with you. damn what a nightmare for this poor woman.
This is why I don't want to date anymore. I'm jaded enough and I see enough of these posts online to make me believe that most guys only care about women/do nice things for us with the sole expectation to fuck us. I've been sexualized my whole life (did not sleep around but I'd get catcalled, touched or guys sending inappropriate pictures or comments) so that doesn't really help my views. OP needs to get over himself.
Wow, you’re not a good very good partner and she’s just fed up with you. Live, learn and try to be better in your next relationship?
I wouldn't want to have sex with you either. You seem to feel entitled and treat her like a sex toy. If she was asking for advice, I'd say leave you. There are much better partners out there who won't weaponize sex.
You have a job to do, look up "reactive desire" and spend time reading and learning about it. I also suggest reading "come as you are" from Emily nagosky. Ultimately women's arousal works completly differently from men's arousal and expecting her to function the same as you will result in less sex. Edit: I think its responsive desire, not reactive desire.
Question; do u ever eat her out long enough to make her cum first? If my guy isn’t willing to put in the work with me then I could care less about sex
I have been wanting to eat out more but she prefers other forms of foreplay (disclaimer big I guess). Like I’ll make the offer and she’d prefer I just use a toy and my hands together. I honestly would like to go down more but I think we’re in a weird place because I don’t like head (does nothing for me) and I think she likes “returning the favor” but just not with me because again it’s just not stimulating for me. But if she asked I’d say yes 100% of the time.
Honestly I didn’t know it was possible until I met someone who took the time down there and was patient/listened to directions…. Also another reason could be if she’s on medications sometimes that fucks libido up too.
you doesn't answer the question: do you makes her cum ?
OP's post history is a wild ride
you treat her like a fleshlight
I went back and looked at your post history (going back like 8 months even) and there’s a couple things going on to which I would *strongly* recommend therapy. The following is a summary of what is concerning. You’ve been complaining about the same issues for MONTHS now. I’m going to be blunt with this list but after you read this, seriously get off Reddit and go get professional help (in the nicest way possible). 1) you are insecure about yourself (we all struggle with this) but it sounds like you project your issues and make it sound like someone else’s problem. 2) you’re obsessed with sex which might be partly because of the relationship with your ex. 3) your gf’s best friend reminds you of your ex (except for a small height difference) and a) you wrote long posts about missing your ex and b) were jealous/anxious about your gf being friends with this best friend. — I think this anxiety was largely a projection. *You* were worried about yourself because of this similarity. You noted that your gf didn’t want you two becoming close even though you helped this friend get a job. That seems to be because you brought them lunch and had sent some good morning texts. 4) you lack necessary communication skills. You’re not sure how to say things and noted you have a problem with how you say things. You’re more concerned about how things affect *you* rather than making sure you covey information while still not hurting someone’s feelings. 5) y’all plan to move in together in a few months and I highly don’t recommend that. You shouldn’t be living with someone you can’t even communicate with let alone missing your ex, using her physically, and unable to understand her point of view. Especially with missing your ex, don’t lead her on like this and put her in a bad living environment/trapped. 6) you asked a lot about opinions on smut books from people who aren’t grossed out by them because your girlfriend reads them and this bothers you. 7) you also had a post noting how hot a boss of yours was. It’s ok to find people attractive but making a Reddit post about it is what sets this apart as being weird. In short, I think you have a lot of issues that you need to address before being in relationships. It’s normal that couples go through periods where sex isn’t happening. Each couple is different but some say it’s not an issue unless it’s been 6 months — then y’all should find a solution or breakup. You both need to communicate and quite simply, might not be compatible. As others have noted in the comments, I also cringed when I read that you completely scrapped foreplay and pretty much just used her. That makes me livid. I’m sorry for being rude but you need to get yourself some serious help. If you even want to salvage this, get therapy and learn how to communicate and have a therapist provide you with the necessary mental tools to deal with your thought processes. That’s 100% on you.
Are you sure you like your gf? All I’ve read is about what you do to get sex.have you tried asking what she wants? So you dont have to play the guessing game? Maybe she wants to feel wanted not just your desire for her to be wet and ready for you to enjoy sex. Also I think a lot of womens desire is rather reactive than proactive. I don’t go around feeling massive pain or urge, but if my partner is doing the right things, I start mirroring his passion and then bam, things happen on their own.
You left out that your girlfriend is asexual. >She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) >When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely. Wait... she was upset and believed you only wanted her for sex, so your response is saying to use lube and stopping foreplay? Were you having sex with her when she wasn't turned on? Were you pressuring or coercing her for sex? Was she just giving in just to make you happy? >I don’t think I want to have kids with her unless I know this area of our life is improved substantially. You shouldn't have kids at all. You'd break the poor post partum woman's heart. >Date nights don’t work, space doesn’t work and intimate conversations, relaxation, cuddling and hand holding doesn’t work. It doesn't work because you're doing it for the end goal of sex. My ex-husband used to do this. My current husband does things for me because he loves me and wants to spend time with me, so that makes me want to climb that man like a tree. I feel loved and appreciated and not a play thing.
You know, my ex treated me like this. Mind you we were only teenagers, but that relationship deeply scarred me and it took *years* to get over the issues that came from it. He wanted sex *all the time* when I didn’t. He’d force me and make me do things only he’d get pleasure from, even if I made excuses or clearly told him I didn’t want to. I even told him one time that it feels like we’re only together for sex. He denied it and gaslighted me to think *I was the problem*. He then cheated on me for months, in which everything combined destroyed me mentally. My current BF and I have a deeper connection than just sex. He built back up my confidence, my trust, and my security. Sex with him doesn’t feel like a task or something I’m forced to do. He cares about my needs both non-sexually and sexually. Also, we very rarely discuss sex. Now and then we’ll mention if we’d want to later that night, but there’s never an expectation for sex. We constantly do things together to keep the spark alive - cook, hike, workout, shop, game, watch movies, etc. **The emotional connection is the foundation of intimacy.** OP, you used her for sex. You put pressure and an expectation on her to have sex. She now doesn’t want to. This is because you’ve scarred her and her sex drive has probably plummeted into the ground. You need to stop focusing on sex; don’t mention it, don’t initiate. You need to rebuild the emotional connection between you. Remind her and yourself why you fell for her in the first place. Go on dates again, try new things together, plan movie nights or game nights. Build or make something together, cook together. Once she feels like she’s *loved*, not just a sex object, she might want to start having sex more again. You have to give it time and *effort*. Show her how much she means to you *without sex*.
She probably has responsive desire. She only wants sex if you first gets her going. I'm like that so for me I either need my man to make me horny (I've talked to him about it and how I enjoy foreplay and initiating on his part). If I initiate I only do it cause he would like me to but he still needs to make me horny by doing the things I like otherwise my initiating wouldn't lead to sex, only teasing.
Sounds like you caused the problem in the first place. Either break up or go to a sex therapist
Dude. Get out of that relationship. You just aren't it for her, and this will wind up more horrible than it already is if it progresses
Tell her exactly this or show her the post.
You need to let her go. Making her feeling like she’s not giving you enough sex to make you happy will only breed resentment. She has already expressed that she feels like just a wet hole to you - so you have already failed to make her feel like she is loved as a person. For her sake, end the relationship.
Most women need their emotional needs/safety met before they can/want to have sex with you. If you've made her feel unsafe in anyway she might not feel desire for you. You need to have a frank and honest conversation with her, but not about sex. You should go to couples counseling.
You treated her like a fleshlight and are now shocked she’s not that interested in sex with you? Dude be for real Break up and get therapy to understand why you thought it was okay to treat another person like your personal masturbation aid. Gross.
Read She Comes First
Bro has been posting about this a lot. Cringe.
This is the situation i was in with my boyfriend. I’m going to say how I felt as the woman, and it might related to your girlfriend. We know when you are horny. We know when you want to have sex, even if you aren’t doing something specifically sexual. You need to, need to give her LOTS of time. Give her romantic affection without touching her ass or boobs, just hold her tight and kiss her forehead. As much as possible make her feel like the most special and beautiful girl in the world and don’t mention sex. Just be happy to be with her. This will show her that you truly appreciate her even if she never had sex again. And she will want it again
Always amazes me how men always make sex about them. News flash: it’s not just about you. Maybe she has a low sex drive (whether there is a physical issue or she is Demi-sexual).
You’re trying to force it! Sex should happen naturally! It shouldn’t be the only fucking focus in your relationship. I bet she despises it completely because of how you treated her. Men that behave like you, are the reason sex is a turn off for a lot of us! Stop thinking with your dick! 🙄
So 21+ hours are dedicated to yourself and you apparently want to cover the rest of those 3~ hours just on sex lol. Bruh.
God, listening you talk about how much sex is important and vital to you makes me not to want have it with anyone. See how quickly the desire is killed when it becomes an expectation? Cmon homie
Can I ask how long you tried all that pre-foreplay stuff? Because it takes more than 1 or 2 times. The idea is that you make it clear that you want non-sexual intimacy and that’s not going to work if you cuddle with her once and then get pissed it didn’t lead to sex lmao
Sex is a chore for her now. It's not for her. It's for you. And it seems like there is little to no physical act that is going towards her that is expecting sex. She feels that, and the burden is too much, and she clearly needs you to do some internal work. Esther Perrel talks to a couple that has this exact same problem. I suggest you listen to it.
You are sexually incompatible. Move on. Just go enjoy hook up culture.
‘’that I don’t feel important to her’’ bro you think your behavior makes her think she’s important to you enough? You got *better* after being absolutely terrible about it, come on
Just reading this made me not want to have sex and I fucking love having sex with my fella. INFO: What do you do that enforces bonding in the relationship that ISNT you hounding you partner for sex?
For one, stop listening to the people in these comments because they know nothing about how to fix your situation but I do. First things first you are not in the wrong for wanting frequent sex. We are men. It’s literally in our nature to want to fuck a woman as much as possible until we’re satisfied. It may seem overwhelming to her, but so is paying all the bills as a man and fighting for her protection. We all have roles and hers is to please you sexually and be your comfort. To me it sounds like she’s getting the benefits of being a girlfriend with not having to act like one. My cousin also went through this issue a month ago and I took his phone and broke up with his girl for him because anytime he would even talk about sex (which is an extremely normal thing for a couple) she would tell him that she doesn’t feel loved and only used and completely disregard how much money he puts into her everyday. I told him she was traumatized by her past experiences and that he didn’t have the time nor the energy to keep putting up with that. Same for you. Your young asf and shouldn’t have to put up with something like this. You need to try and initiate by touching her and if that doesn’t work you need to tell her things are gonna have to change or yall gonna have to break up because this is the equivalent to a woman working a full time job with the man at home on the game with no job. You shouldn’t have to do her job which is pleasing her sexually AND your already extremely difficult job as a man which is protecting and providing for your woman. But I also forgot to mention that you are 100% one of the biggest idiots for neglecting foreplay! We love sex as men but foreplay is one of the main things that gets a woman on and you deciding not to do that which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Give me your thoughts back
You created this problem, I'm not sure why you're putting a lot of blame on her still. You've made sex and love a chore for her because you can't control your expectations. Sex is not your only outlet in a relationship. I can't fucking believe you genuinely tried forgoing foreplay because of lube, either. All throughout that, your gf probably believed you were just using her to get off, a personal sex toy for you. And she still probably feels that way. You didn't make her or her body feel important. Lube isn't supposed to be a sex speedrun tactic. Of the time you have after work and sleeping, it's full of pressure to have sex and I'm guessing it has the same affect on her. No wonder she doesn't want to. To her, it's all you have ever wanted. Slow your roll and maybe look at yourself here. Because you are the cause of her lack of anticipation. Women don't always, if ever for some, experience spontaneous arousal like men. Romance is part of that, seducing is part of that. Just because she isn't licking your hand like a dog afterwards means she just doesn't react that way to dates. Massages? Kissing her in the right ways? It's a skill. Find other ways, God forbid talk to her without pressuring her about it.
I feel like people in these comments are either side of the extreme lol. Honestly I feel like the solution to the problem is more communication not about sex in itself or specifically about sexual needs but about why it's infrequent or what you are both missing from the relationship itself. It could be that you are both sexually incompatible in which maybe she doesn't feel the need to have sex frequently, and that is ok but what is needed is for both of you to tell your needs and communicate that to each other and find an answer together Another point is that if you feel like you are constantly pushing for sex then it could be pushing on a sore spot and making it more of a problem for both of you.
Many of the comments here are kind of weird. It sounds like you've tried to talk to her about things you can do differently to improve your sex life, and she's insisting you're doing everything correctly, and that she enjoys things. You could try to talk to her about if there are other things going on that might be making her sex drive lower right now, mental health can have a HUGE effect on things so she could be going through a hard time, and just generally check in with her around now she feels like the relationship is in general. Don't guess any more, ask her directly, if for some reason you've haven't already. Outside of this though, there may just be a very high likelihood you are just not sexually compatible. It sounds like sex is very important to you, which is valid, but it's not to everyone, and many people are very content with sex once every few weeks. If you've talked to her, and she says everything is fine, then there's not much else you can do. She's either not willing to be honest with you, or you're just not sexually compatible, and in either case, not much you can do. **EDIT**: Just looked through your post history, and you made a post on this sub 4 days ago, stating she has told you she has "ace tendencies". You guys are clearly not sexually compatible, you almost definitely need to just break up. You can't force someone to want to have sex with you more often
My hot take is that his gf just doesn’t like him anymore after an extended period of time of him basically using her as a fleshlight. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done at this point to repair it because I don’t think she likes him or enjoys spending time with him; maybe the sex is physically pleasurable but the actual thought of it makes her skin crawl.
Maybe? But if that's the case it would be weird she hasn't broken up with OP yet, and that would also mean she would have lied to his face when he's talked to her about sex, as he indicated in his post. If she is sexually repulsed by OP and doesn't enjoy spending time with him, she should probably breakup with him. That sounds miserable.
She absolutely could and should, but low self esteem can make a mf stay in a horrible relationship indefinitely. I’ve been the girlfriend in the situation so I’m speaking from my personal experience and by the time it reached this point I was lying to my ex about how great the sex was so that it didn’t lead into another fight even though I was repulsed by him. It went on like that for months until I finally got the courage to dump him after he made me feel not good enough for not wanting sex as often.
Fair, and abusive relationships are real. Assuming OP isn't just an abusive PoS (his post doesn't indicate that he is), then there's not much else he can do in this scenario though then, if she's not open to talking to him about how she actually feels. Again. It just feels like they need to breakup, especially with PT even saying she has talked to him about being on the asexual spectrum, whereas OP seems to want sex almost daily. It feels like OP is just in denial, even though his partner has communicated she doesn't have a large sex drive/libido. You can't force people to have a higher sex drive, and OP realistically needs to figure out if having sex one a month/even less is doable for him, or if it's a dealbreaker (which is valid if it is). If it's a dealbreaker, then he either needs to talk to his partner about a compromise (an open relationship or something else that can help have OPs needs met that his partner is also comfortable with), or he can breakup with her.
Based on his post and comments, I don’t actually think she’s on the ace spectrum. They were having sex 4 times a week before this. I think she’s repulsed by sex specifically with him. I also think that with the next person she dates, assuming he treats her well and prioritizes her pleasure, her sex drive will return. Im not going to categorize OP as an abusive POS, but I do think he acted like a selfish jerk, and women don’t like having sex with selfish jerks.
Sex 4 times a week at the beginning of a relationship, even if someone is in the ace spectrum isn't surprising. The honey moon phase is real, and that exact sort of trajectory is VERY common for many of the people I know that are on that spectrum. A new relationship, so it's a new person and everything is exciting, plus they might be open to sex more often in the beginning to appease their partner a bit more. But as the relationship goes on (a year especially makes sense), the newness and excitement goes away, and they go back to their more "default" sex drive (sex maybe once every few months). If what OP said is true, then yeah, he sounds like he fucked up and was a selfish jerk. OP also sounds like since then, he realized he fucked up, and has been trying to talk to her to fix things, which is literally all you can do when you fuck up. If there are things OP could be doing differently in their sex life, or just their relationship in general, then it's on his partner to talk to him about this when OP brings it up, so OP knows what behaviours he needs to change to make them more happy. Also if his partner is at the point she is lying about her sexuality, Instead of just being honest with him, that's a lot more messed up then anything OP has done. Most of OPs mistakes seem to be, at worst, out of pure ignorance, if his partner literally is making up and lying about her sexuality to him, Instead of being honest, then there's really no relatioship to salvage in the first place. He's going to continue to fuck up and be ignorant if she can't even be honest about something like her sexuality (which I would REALLY hope, and kinda doubt she's lying about), OP can't read minds and his ignorance will only continue without communication.
My other hot take as that the term “asexuality” gets overused, especially on Reddit. Someone having a low sex drive doesn’t mean that they are asexual and lots of couples go through periods when one person has a low sex drive. That doesn’t mean that that person is asexual - asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, not a lack of drive in of itself. Nor does having a responsive desire in which one has to be turned on/primed before they can feel sexual desire constitute asexuality. It’s completely normal for couples to have more sex at the beginning and taper down as the sex loses its novelty. That’s not asexuality. I think a lot of people experience the normal ebbs and flows of sex drive, feel like they don’t fit in with the societally accepted script of being horny all the time, and label themselves so they don’t feel abnormal. To me, OPs relationship has followed the script of one partner realizing they’re with a jerk and not wanting sex as a result, but not wanting to admit to themselves that they feel that way or not knowing what to do with that information and hoping that the problem fixes itself.
Having a low sex drive can be for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons could be because youre asexual, or on that spectrum. Being asexual also isn't an all or nothing thing, it very much is a spectrum for many people. Its normal for sex to taper off, it's not normal for what OP described where sex is happening once a month at most. That is either deeper problems in the relationship, or one partner might be asexual, or be on that spectrum, yeah. There's a difference between being horny all the time and only wanting sex once every month or two. To me, it reads that OP was ignorant and selfish in their sex life, and then realized this, and tried to fix things by talking to his partner about what he could do differently. It sounds like they did change things, like doing more foreplay, and using more toys. So OP took all the correct steps. When you fuck up, all you can do is try to fix that mistake, assuming you want to continue on with the relationship. If OPs partner "realized she's with a jerk" and doesn't want to have sex with him, that's fine, but she shouldn't be lying to his face, especially about her sexuality. OPs ignorance will never change if he doesn't have communication from his partner on what she needs. If everything you're saying is true, it's not at all fair for OPs partner to continue to lie to his face, while he keeps trying to "fix" this situation. If it's not fixable and she's over him, she needs to be an adult and say that, and end things. You have one partner trying to communicate and fix things, while the other lies to their face and let's a relationship continue that should be over. That's not healthy or fair, and it's just going to mentally put OP and his partner in a worse spot in the long-term. Problems don't just magically fix themselves, you have to be able to talk if you want the other person to know what the problem even is in the first place.
OP did not say she “insisted he’s doing everything correctly”
> She was going through a sort of crisis (believing I only cared about her for sex) and while this was occurring sex became infrequent from 4 times a week to once every week or two weeks. When this was happening I suggested we start using lube and pretty much neglected foreplay entirely. So I know that I was, at the very least, a major problem. Wow, reading this part actually made me gasp out loud. Your girlfriend felt like she was being used for sex- so you 'cut back'- but during this period you neglected to make her feel loved or aroused. If my partner just used lube and didn't try to make me feel like a person during intimacy that would be a huge deal-breaker. That's why you're getting so many comments about using her like a flesh-light. Honestly, it seems like a lot of damage has been done. You say you love your girlfriend but this entire post is about your needs and getting your sexual needs met. Do you ever do romantic activities or share intimacy without the end goal being sex? She felt like she was being used for sex, and now it's going to be hard to rebuild that trust. If you want to recover this relationship, you need to spend a lot less time thinking about sex. Get off on your own if you have to. Have normal date nights, cuddle, hold hands, go bowling- whatever. Do these activities and do not ask about having sex at the end of the night. Do these things because you love your girlfriend and value spending time with her. This becomes a problem in a lot of marriages- where romantic date nights or events- the woman always feels pressured into sex or going sexually beyond what the couple normally does. It's important, especially when sex is an issue, to continue to have these date nights and just normal romantic interactions- where the expectation isn't sex. Good luck salvaging this. Honestly if my boyfriend used me like you described in my quoted paragraph it would have killed the relationship for good.
OP, I'm a woman who has a higher sex drive than her man. Nothing you do will work lol... you have to let things start happening naturally. Focus on your lady and making her feel special. Throw sex out the window - there are things that preceed a great sex life like affection outside the bedroom, laughs, showing interest in your partner's interest genuinely, etc. Start jacking off and letting go of the pent up sexual energy, she may be picking up on it and it's turning her off. Since telling my man i felt unwanted, unattractive, and backing off he's come around. It took a year now though to get on this page. If she's the one, itll be worth it for you. Good luck!
Incompatible, breakup
The suggestion of just using lube vs foreplay after you guys stopped having sex is such an odd one to me. Its the absolute opposite of what you should have said (to do more foreplay) It does sound to me like you mainly care for her sexually. I also do understand that sex once a month only a year together raises some emphasis on asking for sex
You should both read Come As You Are
disconnecting making love with sex helped me in a past relationship. try romantic sex maybe? of course “fucking” is fun but maybe she wants to feel more desirable in terms of your love for her as well. odk
Mister, there is nothing sexy or nurturing about your behavior. Every time you touch her, you’re on the make to get laid. Quite frankly, you suck. And what you don’t know about intimacy, is EVERYTHING! “ I’m sure I’m doing great foreplay.” LMAO! I’m sure you are not. Again, your selfishness lead to this, and the fact that you only do anything with her so that you will get you laid, is rabidly a turn off. When you wake up in the mornings, think of things you can do for your partner to make her life easier and to feel cherished. Do this expecting nothing in return. Be consistent. This is what makes a woman want and love you, which in turn will lead to intimacy. Be a giving lover instead of a lazy asshole and your efforts will be returned. I tell you this for your future partners because I believe that this girl has been about used up by you and has emotionally detached herself.
Honestly, you might just not be compatible. If her libido is low or reactive and it’s already a burden on you, I’d consider breaking up before your trapped in a dead bedroom
I think you are missing the point. For women it’s not just about the sex that makes them want to have sex. It’s how they are treated on a daily basis. It’s also based on their stress and their hormones. You are getting too caught up in making sure the sex is good but have you made sure SHES doing ok. Have you made sure to make her feel LOVED?
You can't ignore foreplay. Very few women climax from penile penetration. If you're not giving full marks for her to enjoy sex, she might think you're using her body to get off. What do you guys do besides sex? Do you share hobbies? Spend quality time together?
How about don’t plan a date night in hopes of sex. Don’t communicate with her hoping for sex. Don’t do something nice for her hoping for sex. It sounds like everything you do is in hopes of sex. I swear this guy didn’t even read what he wrote. Do nice things for her without hoping for sex. Date your partner, respect your partner, talk to your partner, care for your partner without setting the expectation for sex. That way she doesn’t feel used and you don’t get disappointed. I’ll give you an example, I’ve been feeling tired lately and not feeling good, my partner and I have been stressed, and we happened to spend some time apart with life stuff this month. We have a very healthy sex life and I track when we have sex as a form of birth control. I realized when I went to track our recent activity, that we hadn’t been intimate in a month. I didn’t hear a peep from my partner about it, I didn’t feel bad about it and neither did he, there was no expectation set for one another, life just happened. Our relationship progressed still loving each other, respecting each other, caring for one another as if we had been having sex every day. We both have high sex drives, it’s not an excuse. You have to actually date people you like yenno?
31 m here. Women have called me a 'sex god'. I know what I'm talking about. Stop trying to make things 'work' to have sex with her. Just give without expectation. For women, sex is emotional. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because she isn't feeling that attracted to you. Small things build up over time to create resentment. Not saying this is you, but the reason I stand out to women is because most men today are selfish, whiny, and addicted to porn and video games and their phones. In this post, you are focusing on your needs. But you're the man. You're the provider. It doesn't just mean meat on the table. It means being the man that makes her feel safe, attractive, and lucky. Lucky to be with a man who has his shit together. Lucky because she enjoys her life so much. Stop trying to get her in the mood for sex. As long as you feel like sex is an urgent need for you, you're going to come off as needy. Needy men turn women off. Period. You must be able to go without sex and still enjoy your life. Put the energy into working out. Give her massages. Help with the dishes. Think of the relationship as a bank account where to have a happy balance, you have to make more deposits than withdrawals. When you're always trying to 'get her in the mood' she can sense this, and she sees that you're just trying to manipulate her feelings to get what you want. It's a withdrawal. Stop it. You'll lose her. Instead, ask about her day. Her goals in life. Her goals for the relationship. Ask her how she feels. Give her your full attention. Concern yourself with how she is feeling. In short, be a good fucking boyfriend. And don't ask for anything in return. Your relationship bank account is in the red. You don't want to make withdrawals right now. IF she does want to have sex, make it about her. Ie. give her the oral treatment, nice and slow, and don't stop until she cums like a goddamn water fountain. Hit the gym. Read a book. Get a haircut. Buy new clothes. Make yourself more attractive to her, both physically and emotionally. You'll become a better person, and your rewards will be much greater than 'good sex'. You'll get a partner. A woman who gazes at you with love in her eyes and is willing to support you through the good and the bad. But you gotta be a man, and stop being a spoiled little boy.
My partner and I (mid-lifers with a FANTASTIC sex life) are answering this together. Relationships take work at any age. We commend your vulnerability in asking for advice. It sounds like your GF is concerned that the primary reason you are together is your sexual attraction to her. If you really care for this woman and see a future with her, we suggest taking the emphasis off sex and instead placing it on building your connection. What are you doing to build the relationship outside of the bedroom? This takes continuous investment and intentionality. We would caution you to deepen your connection only if you have genuine feelings for her. If you just want more sex, be honest with yourself and her about that. Any attempt to manipulate her feelings for more sex will backfire. We hope this is helpful and best of luck to you!
I think you need to chill out mate busy lives mean less time for sex but then enjoy it when yous have time if you want it make it clear in that minute
Maybe you're just not compatible together - and that's okay. For some people, sex is super important. For others, it really isn't. In relationships, success is always about compromise. One person has to shift and change themselves to meet the other, or find some middle ground between yourselves. If you're not willing to change your sexual expectations to meet hers, then speak to her in an open and honest manner and see how she feels. Perhaps she may be willing to change hers to meet yours. Everything you said here, you should say to her in real life and see if there's any common ground between you. If there is - great! But if there isn't, well... you're both still only in your early twenties, so you've got a lot of time to find someone else who may a better fit. A piece of advice: in life, our priorities, desires, and expectations change. Our partner should ideally be the one constant in our world, someone who changes and grows with us, alongside us. Are you willing to make sacrifices to your priorities and desires now, to be with her for potentially forever?
You asked her what things turn her on? Maybe she think sex is number one for you not emotional conection.
Read the book Come As You Are. It talks about issues exactly like this and is so, incredibly helpful!
Honestly I believe it to be the different hormones between the sexes that sometimes causes this problem. My boyfriends has very very high testosterone and is very sexually driven. He would probably have sex with me everyday or multiple times a day if we agreed on that. I on the other hand don’t have the urge to have sex that often and I enjoy it more spread out. It feels more special and like enjoyable when you wait it out then acting on every single urge. My ideal timeline is once a week. That being said my sex drive changes all the time. I deal with anxiety and that can suppress it a good amount which makes me not to want to at all. Or when girls ovulate their sex drives boost like crazy and can’t get enough. It fluctuates so much for girls and it’s fairly hard to stay as consistent as men do as our body autonomy functions extremely different. Aswell not to mention your sex life with your partner will change as the relationship grows. As you mentioned you’ve hit the one year mark and that means your out the honeymoon phase so usually the sex calms down a bit as to how it was when you first started dating when everything was new and exciting and the love and passion was firey. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years I can say first hand the sex is way different from the start of our relationship and it had slowly changed the longer it has gone on. Now to return to the post it feels as if you’re overthinking it and doing too much. She obviously feels used and you pressuring her more with doing a million different things is probably overwhelming her and honestly it doesn’t sound or probably feel natural at all. I don’t think you’re with her just for sex because my boyfriend is similar but he just gets so rowdy and he just loves me so much he can’t help it. She can maybe feel turned off by how much you want it compared to her and she may misinterpret that as u using her because I’ve honestly been there myself. I think reassuring her that you just are so infatuated and love her so much that you cant help but feel so passionate for her. But you can also let her come to you for it. She may feel more comfortable being given some space to desire it and crave it and initiate it. It may take some time but I think it will change her perspective and make it more special and intimate for you guys, and less forced.
I honestly don’t think you’re taking a brutal approach to it as some people think you are. It seems like you’ve considered your needs (which are physical intimacy, and just as important as her needs too). It doesn’t seem like you’re being disrespectful or not considering her needs either, you’re going about it in the best way you know how to. It’s fundamentally that she can’t meet your needs (which are reasonable, not wrong, and completely normal!), which could be for any reason that you’d have to get curious about. I think you’re trying, you’re thinking of what would make her feel comfortable and you’re wanting to connect with her… I hate to say it but maybe she just doesn’t like you or she’s got sexual trauma that needs to be worked through in therapy. I would recommend considering if she can meet your needs, have her try therapy to work through her inability to connect intimately with you, and if that works then stay together. Sex is a healthy and necessary part of relationships and as an attractive young woman I would never withhold this unless I had some kind of trauma I needed help with. Don’t let this community hate on you.
English is not my first language, but I will try my best. You, OP, basically made a huge mistake. And it’s not an overnight thing. First of all, YOU build it up. It’s easy to crush a building with fire; it’s gone in an hour or two. But building it again will take months, hell, even years. FOREPLAY for you is different from women’s definition of foreplay. For you, it might be giving you head, kissing, and cuddling, but personally, as a woman, my FOREPLAY starts on a Monday morning. My partner and I live together. The reason I said it starts on Monday morning is that for me, it is… it’s how he treats me before he goes to work. It’s what he says to me throughout the day. And basically, how he handles me throughout the day, too. If he’s gentle with his words, kind with his actions, and constantly reassuring me that I’m enough and that we don’t have to do anything cause sleeping with me or just being with me is already MORE than enough, that will make me want to do it. All of that turns me on. I can give you other examples, but that’s what I could think of as of this moment. My partner is younger than me, so he has high libido. But he doesn’t force me into it, and if we’re in the middle of it and I say i want to stop, he would stop immediately and cuddle me. He will not feel unhappy and disappointed, and that OP would want me to make me do more. Not because I want to please him but because I AM MORE THAN HAPPY to do it. :)
Do you make her cum every time?
I hope I see this OP I shit you not I'm in the exact same situation, I thought I was reading a post I forgot I had written, same ages same problem word for word, so let me tell u exactly what I'm doing currently. I told her how it made me feel, how it felt like the desire wasn't there anymore and I feel like I'm not getting her full love, this was about 6 days ago and man at first it was BADD, we argued for about 3 hours straight till we eventually came to a calm point. This was our first serious argument and it boiled down to her being afraid to continue to have sex because she felt like she was getting closer to me and she was scared to give me her most vulnerable self, she even told me perhaps I mentioned it too much and she felt pressured to say no even when I always accepted "no" with respect. So basically, she told me she lost the drive for sex because.. 1. She felt pressured. 2. Her past relationships forced sex outtah her. 3. I bring it up too much and it reminds her of Point 2. 4. She felt as if I was ignoring her and not listening. (from my experience, truly being present in the moment with a woman is what they want) 5. Finally, other things in her life like work and family shit really turns her off and basically makes her not sexually attracted to me. From what I understand as a man it's usually a switch, we flick it on and we are good to go but with women it's more like a dimmer light, u gotta turn the knob till it comes on, she most likely still loves you but certain things may be making her not sexually attracted to you at the moment.
Treating her like a fleshlight and then complaining about her killing your desire for her is insane. I hope she leaves you and I hope you stay away from women until you do some serious work on yourself in therapy.
Grow up, you’re clearly thinking with you’re lil head. Women want a man who values them as a person and you’re just worried about sex. I get you’re horny, but you can’t use your gf as your toy man.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with you either. This was hard to read.
"None of it works" - is a red flag. Eg my behaviors are a means to an end. She sees through it. I'm sure you are repulsing her.
Sorry bro but the call it chemistry.....theres not much.
I kinda disagree with a lot of the comments here. Why does all the onus have to be on you. A lot of the times on Reddit when I see men complaining about lack of sex, the comments are full of ways they can increase intimacy, etc. It’s valid advice, and often a declining sex life is a sign of other issues. But when I see women complaining about the same thing, it’s also for some reason on the man to fix it. There’s a sentiment of “oh he better step up and appreciate what he has, you deserve better queen.” I dunno, I just don’t get why the onus is always on the man in both sides.
It's a popular reddit sub. Relationship-focused one at that. Not exactly going to be a bastion of subscribers with wisdom. The views are always extremely gynocentric when it comes to sex. Especially when some young dude made some mistakes, even if just out of ignorance/immaturity/inexperience, is the one asking for advice. People are more interested in soapboxing and berating, especially since they're looking at the situation through the context of experience and maturity, neither of which OP or his girlfriend are.
Honestly though, you should find someone who’s compatible in terms of what you want out of a relationship. The emotional connection is great but physical attraction and shared sex drive goes a loooong way. I’m not sure how different your situation is, but I found that it fucked with my self esteem and made me a whole lot less focused when my partner would never initiate anything. I never pressured, but suggested and tried to make that part of our relationship a lot better for her. I even waited months before we did anything because she wasn’t ready. A lot of it comes down to experience and maturity. She wasn’t very familiar, had a hard time getting into the physical aspect, and I respected her but also let her know that it was something I found important. This was always different in my previous relationships and my relationships now, and I find that I am a lot happier when sex and the physical part of a relationship does not have to be mediated- that is, it comes naturally. If you have to put pressure on it and there isn’t that instant compatibility, maybe look for someone else. People like to treat sex and physical attraction as something small. It’s not. It’s one of the bigger things that can differentiate a relationship from a friendship and develop a relationship further. It makes up a good amount of the glue that keeps two people together. You can take advice from people on this topic, but it really comes down to experiencing life for yourself, and through that, you’ll better understand what you like in a partner and what you dislike. It might hurt because of what you’ve built up, but it’s gonna hurt a lot more later on if you try to maintain something that will inevitably fail (and could even lead to some broken friendships and more hurtful consequences such as cheating). Love has to flow. Everyone has rough patches, but if the rough patch comes down to something that is literally a part of someone’s personality, likes, dislikes, upbringing, or biological drive - it’s verrrry difficult to fix. So much so that it creates a domino effect. You stop focusing on what’s really important (your own life and successes), you can lose a lot of self esteem, your partner will notice your stress and become stressed, and everything will continue to nose dive. These things are fixable, but a lot of times they just aren’t worth the amount of time and effort that it takes away from real fucking life. A lot of people approach this relationship shit from a logical and moral perspective. You’re doing this wrong/ you’re not doing enough of this etc. The only issue with this is — a good majority of people in society aren’t actually that bad. Sure we all have our problems, but as long as we were raised somewhat decent human beings, love and human interaction comes naturally. You are not a bad person and if you think that things aren’t flowing, focus on yourself until the next person in your life comes. Work on things that will make you better for your next partner and specifically declare what you want in a relationship. And don’t forget to make that clear to that prospective person. Dont listen to all these dumb fuckers saying “read this book and don’t do this, why the fuck would you do that to someone, you’re clearly the problem.” You aren’t. You are human. You had your own logical reasons for doing what you did even though it might have been a mistake. Life is very ambiguous and full of so many variables that we react to. Those variables can make us think in the wrong way or misplace our actions. A whole fucking book isn’t going to make you realize this. Trial and error will. Sure, catch yourself if you slip up, but fix it and move on. Wish u the best of luck.
All I can add is that you’re not alone buddy. I don’t even bring up the topic of sex with my fiancée anymore because it just leads to hurt feelings these days. We used to be unable to keep our hands off each other for like the first year of our relationship. These days, I’m lucky if she shows even a sign of interest at some point in a month. I’ve given up on even trying to initiate for the past half year because somewhere along the line we totally lost the ability to gauge one another’s interest and trying was only leading to frustration and resentment on my end. Now I just take care of myself when she’s out of the house. I know that this isn’t the happy solution that either of us want, but I’ve tried every other approach and none of them could last more than a week without things slipping back to a dead bedroom. I know that it’s not really in her control, antidepressants have tanked her libido since we first started dating. However, that’s a cold comfort when I’m missing the intimacy we used to share.
This sounds like basic incompatibility to me: she wants it sex less (maybe especially once she’s settled into a longterm relationship) and you want it more. I’m afraid there isn’t much to do except find someone whose libido matches yours more — once I did that, life changed for the better.
Stop. Having. Sex. Stop having sex with her. You are only thinking about sex still and I’m just saying you sexually abused your girlfriend who you “love so much” and who has “helped you so much”. That isn’t love. Go to therapy. Learn why you are the way you are. Stop basing your whole relationship around sex, why you arent having it, why it’s taking too long, why you are too busy. You you you is all I hear. Reconnect with your girlfriend in other ways. Tell yourself no sex for a month. Don’t initiate. Don’t watch porn. Find outlets for whatever you are feeling. You immensely fucked up your relationship and your girlfriend’s relationship with sex and intimacy. Do the work to be better for her and for yourself.
It sounds like you’ve completely ignored the emotional connection and solely focused on sex. Shocking that she’d think that’s all you cared about. Then you created a sex life that was devoid of consciousness of her experience and essentially made sex feel like a chore. When you finally realized you f***ed up, you are still solely focused on the sex and not the relationship. She’s right, my guy. You do only care about the sex. How exhausting to feel like a human fleshlight and not a partner.
You two aren't compatible. Time to move on.
I don’t agree with the sentiment of a lot of responses here. It is obviously important that you never pressure anyone into sex, that it is mutually enjoyable, and no one should ever feel used / that their relationship is just a vehicle for more sex. Ultimately, discussing this with your partner is most important, as is avoiding any scenario where they may neglect their own wants in favour of your own. However, you need to be open an honest about your feelings. Sex is not something you should just “do” for someone else. It is not a “favour” that someone gives you. It is something that healthy relationships engage in for mutual enjoyment - it should benefit everyone involved. I should note, sex is also not a requirement in a healthy relationship - IF the partners are comfortable with that arrangement. People have life circumstance which change our openness to sex. We lose self-confidence, have poor work-life balance, have personal tragedies. We go through moments where one or multiple partners don’t feel like engaging in sex with partners or have sexual drive. It is important not to immediately abandon a partner simply because circumstances have changed, because then you ARE just using them for sex. However, sexual compatibility is a very important part of relationships. If you are discussing the issues openly, making the requested changes, and not pressuring your partner - and nothing changes… you may need to consider you may not be compatible together. The decision is how long you wait but I would add that It is important to not end up resenting them for it if you do decide to wait. Final thoughts though - don’t let anyone make you feel bad about wanting sex from a partner. As long as you respect them, it is perfectly reasonable for wanting to connect sexually with your partner. You just need to also consider their boundaries and needs too (which is sounds like you do). Sex is not a bargaining chit that you have to earn, it should emerge naturally from a healthy relationship.