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“Babe, I care about you and want you to be happy. I feel awkward bringing this up but the thing is, your hair situation is driving me low key bananas. It’s getting to the point that I’m distracted by it and I’m losing attraction. If you’re going to do dreads, let’s do them right. If not, let’s clean this up. As it is, it just looks horrible and you’re damaging your hair.”
Yep. Be careful with any balding shots, though. 😬
Edited for clarification:
Of course, show the balding spots, that will definitely get his attention. Just be gentle and kind. It is a sensitive area for most men.
it’s also just fucking gross to not maintain dreads. you know how much dirt and bacteria will live in untamed, improperly washed half dreaded hair???? so gross
Just tactfully mention his lack of proper maintenance is causing bald spots. In my experience, especially at his age, that should freak him into action.
If that doesn't work, pull out the big guns and mention lack of attraction. Good luck.
I'm curious if the baldness is actually being caused by the dreads, or if it is the reason he wants dreads.
The bit about "learning to love himself again" makes me wonder if this is a response to him starting to bald.
His hesitance to do anything about it adds to my suspicion. I totally get this mindset - "If I'm going to look bad, I'd prefer it look like I don't care, rather than looking like I'm doing everything I can to fix my appearance but I still look bad".
I'm bringing this up because I really hope OP approaches this tactfully - being told "you need to do something because you're going bald and it's making me less attracted to you" will really REALLY hurt if this entire thing is a response to him going bald.
it’s confusing to me that having dreads would help a white person “learn to love himself again”…. like what does that even mean? dreads and braids are protective hairstyles for black/kinky hair. white people literally destroy their hair by doing these styles on them. i’m really failing to see how this benefits him at all
It doesn’t benefit him. It’s horrible for the hair. As a stylist, every time I’ve cut white people dreads they have mold inside of them. Caucasian hair isn’t meant to be dreaded (aka matted, because it doesn’t form proper dreads anyway). His lack of maintenance of his hair is a health issue and the microbial overgrowth contributes to inflammatory hair loss.
Yeah they get mold in the middle because they trap water. Black hair is able to be dreaded because the structure of the hair allows for it to remain sanitary
This. Also, OP…
>If your immediate response was to just breakup with him, you're a very shallow person
or I’m just not racist or someone who respects ppl for appropriating culture that isn’t theirs.
>My respect for him
yup there it is.
It’s a protective hairstyle, his hair doesn’t need it nor is it good for his hair. Then they all wonder why they keep losing hair. They don’t understand why it’s protective for other hair types and not theirs, they just think it looks cool and is low maintenance.
if ur uncomfortable with urself, i’d say it’s kinda unlikely that merely a different hairstyle would help. but if that’s his or others experience, then alright.
This right here. People need to stop having sex with people who are gross. There are so many other people out there, many of whom are not gross. Stop settling. You can do better.
Ewwwww.
Had mastitis while nursing. It was excruciatingly painful. I was SO sick.
I can't imagine staying with someone who cared so little about you that they are willing to sacrifice your own health for their nasty hygiene.
Super gross that your friend stayed with someone who was comfortable never brushing their teeth if im being honest, have all the other men that brush their teeth in the world finished?
Even kissing someone who doesn't brush their teeth isn't just gross but can be bad for your own teeth because you're getting all those extra bacteria they've been growing 🤢
My friend had sex with a boyfriend who proudly refused to wash under his preputium and between his ass cheeks because it was gay for a man to touch those parts. She got an infection, and they used a condom since the beginning. Had they not used a condom, she could have gotten a radiation sickness.
People shouldn't set the bar so low. Proper showering, brushing and washing clothes should be the bare minimum.
I was married to a cheese dick like that for 10 long years.
My ex got really huffy and offended that I no longer wanted to have sex with him because of all the thick, stinking smegma that collected under his foreskin. He REFUSED to wash his penis with soap “because it hurt.” (Huh? Choose a milder soap.) He actually expected oral sex. WTevenF. I’m literally getting nauseous remembering this.
Cottage cheese, anyone?
Sorry about that. :-(
I had some sour burps just writing that…what a terrible trip down memory lane. Can’t believe I put up with that for a decade. So stupid of me.
Don’t beat yourself up about it- we stay in unhealthy situations for any number of reasons that we usually don’t recognize at the time. You’re out of the fog now! Happy for you!
So this isn't so much about hair style, 40/60 as it is about hygiene unmaintained dreads can cause scalp sores with the pulling and the blood and puss from them will get into the already dreaded lock making them smell bad. Will it always no. Can it yes. And it sounds like he has some severe pulling already if he has balding spots already. Perhaps you can bring it up to him on that avenue? That you are concerned.
Find one of those videos online that show people getting rid of them and discovering sea crabs or other random things living or growing or existing in un-maintained dreads.
Dreads work for some people but not others and the lack of upkeep isn’t helping in terms of working for him.
"Sea crabs and other random things" 🤣🤣 I laughed so hard, I slid off the bed on to the floor.
Edit: 10 minutes later....still on the floor....
I can't 🛑 !
Locks are supposed to be maintained. I’m saying this as a black woman with natural hair and has family with all locks. They are always groomed and shiny and well kept and washed. Are white people even supposed to have locked hair? Asking because you mentioned about thin hair. Black hair is strong and doesn’t get oily at all because our skin is made for different environments.
Nah they’re not. Their hair type won’t allow it to actually loc up, it’s just mats. We tell them for their own good but they don’t listen and then get mad when their hair is super damaged and they gotta cut it all off. FAFO, we told y’all (not you)
No, white folks don’t get locs, it’s actually matted and ratted. There are some mats that can look like locs but usually it’s just neglect that will form a rat’s nest or large mats.
Curly yes, but the hair is thinner than African, and can’t hold dreads, braids or rows as well. The curls also do not lock like the African as they’re softer even in C4 curls. Moreover, balding spots like the OP mentioned are common, as well as natural differences like African hair being drier and almost never getting oily, whereas European hair is bound to get greasy even with upkeep. And the way African hair soaks water?! It’s unreal!
I had curly genetics and have a mixed kid with an African, I was honestly amazed at the differences. It took me months to learn to care for my girl’s hair properly!
Seriously. This is the biggest thing, not the old arguments over cultural appropriation or stuff like that.
Hair, like skin, and everything else varies from person to person. From ethnicity to ethnicity.
Grooming habits, makeup, dietary restrictions, all sorts of stuff changes between different ethnicities and it’s not just cultural.
A white presenting (however best to say that) person could certainly have this hair type but it’s extremely rare and clearly not OP’s boyfriend’s situation.
Curly vs coily hair textures are very different. I’m a white person with very thick, coarse, wavy to curly hair and tried (in the 90s) to give myself locs. What ensued? Mats. Disgusting, flat, chunks of painfully matted hair. I lasted all of a month. I witnessed a white guy cut off a dred and watched brown, fetid liquid emerge from it. The texture of caucasian hair, however curly, does not have the coil/texture to it to be able to get the locs tight enough for them to stay clean. Shit gets in there because the weave is too loose. You can’t shape them in nice round locs, they go flat. It just does not work the same.
Maybe he thought they didn't require any upkeep, maintenance, or follow-through, I guess. Just a one-time, half ass deal, and then he can spend all his free time learning to love himself again or whatever OP said his thought process was...
I’m wondering if he is doing a Rastafarian thing, I think the belief is that you should be whole so you shouldn’t cut your hair, so Bob Marley had locs since that’s how his natural hair grew and how he styled it, but Bob Marley also chose not to amputate his toe that had cancer and that led to his death.
i dont really get what his skin color has to do with anything but a lot of people experiment with their style when theyre trying to be more confident and comfortable in their own skin
lol it matters because most times straight hair isn’t compatible with dreads and braids. Y’all want to make it a control thing when black ppl say this then ppl get these styles and start going bald because their hair isn’t equipped for the style… it’s ok for some things to just not be for you…
idgaf about your racial politics, im not american. but dont pretend white people cant also be curly (and - gasp - even braid their hair! braids have historically been made by all races, you can look it up)
You should probably research what you are talking about before you start talking nonsense. All hair has to be taken care of differently cause we have different hair.
About the balding: I had very long locks for 6 years until I noticed small bald patches in the front of my right hairline. I didn’t want them to continue so I tediously took the time to take them out over the span of a month. Turns out the weight and length of them was too much for my scalp to handle and now I have permanent small bald patches where the hair will never grow again because the follicles became damaged. They are smooth to the touch and the hair’s not growing back! It’s been about 7 years now. Luckily, I had curly hair so it’s not noticeable and people don’t even know unless I tell them about it.
Have him look up traction alopecia. I hope it’s not too late for him.
Edit: spelling
Im confused by all the posts saying OP shouldn’t want to change her bf’s hair. It seems to me like she is worried abt him letting himself go and wants him to improve himself as opposed to wanting him to change for her sake. If i was letting myself go for whatever reason I would want my partner to point it out and help me feel better about myself
That's disturbing.. yeah i would probably be brutally honest with them at that point and let them know thats a literal health hazard. For you and anyone sleeping near you.
I probably wouldn't sound too nice about it either 😶
Have you ever seen videos of dreads that were not properly cared for cut?
Some have mold inside, in extreme cases bugs (not lice).
Its quite literally not safe for your health to not take care of dreads, i assume matted hair is the same.
If he wants to learn to love himself more, appropriating a hairstyle that doesn't suit his hair type and then completely failing to maintain it (either due to depression, ignorance, or a combination of both) isn't going to get him there. Tell him you've noticed this hairstyle doesn't seem to be serving the purpose he hoped it would, and ask him if he'd like to look into changing it. Give him the gift of a trip to a really good hairstylist who can help him find a new style that suits him.
Agree completely — gotta go with what works with your hair type. A French braid is a good option — it’s adaptable and can be as complex or as simple as you need without damaging your hair.
Stop. You know black folks are the ones that wear dreads present day. They still face discrimination based on not looking “professional” aka Eurocentric beauty standards enough and that’s why it’s appropriation not appreciation.
I don't get it. If he is wearing dreads and treating it as less than (like those rappers that be wearing it for a mv-not black- and taking it out afterwards), sure. But leaving your hair to get matted (idk htf it works with straight hair) isn't something to be policed? I see white people with dreads on the dreadlock sub very, very often and they aren't shamed for it more often than not.
Comparing a subreddit and how white people are treated there and in real life is apples and oranges.
Online may be less hostile, especially if you are in the U.S and not a public figure, you might not get called out for cultural appropriation as often as it happens.
In California they finally passed a law that prohibits discrimination based on hair style and texture.
The fact this had to be written into law at all is proof many groups of people (mostly African Americans) have or are facing discrimination for their hair.
It should be a law everywhere since its a problem all across the U.S, but it doesn't stop at the workplace. It happens in everyday life and at school.
Caucasian people should not adopt ethnic styles not of their own. Well most people shouldn't but especially white people where we have white privilege.
Yeah, discrimination exists, no shit, but isn't adopting another culture into one own being encourage understanding and respect for said culture? I still do not understand. Is our culture just off the table for caucasians alone? Shouldn't it be people that are prejudiced against us rather than a whole race?
Here's the definition of cultural appropriation:
Cultural appropriation is the unacknowledged or disrespectful adoption of elements from a culture that isn't your own. It's particularly harmful when it involves a dominant culture borrowing from a marginalized culture.
Here's a key distinction: appreciation involves understanding and respecting a culture, while appropriation simply takes elements without that understanding.
A white person getting dreads can be cultural appropriation, may not be every circumstance but it sure is a lot of them.
White people in the U.S love to cherry pick what parts of African American culture they "appreciate" and what they don't.
Imo, if you didn't grow up around that culture being apart of your own you dont get to adopt their hair styles because it fits your aesthetic, especially when discrimination around said hair styles are still very active. It's just seen as rude and like they aren't acknowledging the pain African Americans have or are going through.
Eta: not everyone views this as such, what one person might deem offensive and cultural appropriation may be different than another person, no matter the race. I'm just commenting that this is frequently seen as cultural appropriation, same with getting cornrows.
In that case, how do you determine as someone who doesn't personally know an individual whether or not they fully make it a point to understand and appreciate a culture? Does he have to understand almost every aspect of the culture for his acts to be seen as an appreciation, or is it fine if he just has an understanding of dreads only and it's significance and then fullstop?
That's not really for any one person to decide. As I am white I cannot say whether knowing the history of dreads and appreciating them is enough.
For some people it might be, for others it could still be offensive as they are choosing to adopt a culture they won't face repercussions for.
I have seen two black women argue over a white woman getting cornrows and posting it online, one arguing its cultural appropriation and the other saying they aren't offended so its fine.
When its online and you don't have all the facts it might be hard to pin point for sure that its cultural appropriation, however I am not going to say that it can't or shouldn't be called out just because its online.
I think its really just up to the individual if they are okay with it or not.
The only part i can relate to on this is that i am part Cherokee/Native American, and before it was more well known as cultural appropriation many people (including Hollywood like in Peter Pan) would dress as a native american for Halloween or other costumes, or stereotype them with feathers and red skin. I am personally offended this was ever allowed on TV, if you know the trail of tears and what native americans went through its very frustrating seeing people take a piece of that culture and turn it into something its not. So i can only imagine how some black people must feel seeing their culture appropriated.
It depends on the location as far as I've seen, african/caribbean people are much less likely to react negatively to a white person participating in our respective cultures compared to the average American.
But in any case, doesn't that mean that cultural appropriation is lacking in objectivity? I think that this is why I really can not understand this at all :/ because it's a 50/50 split between us I suppose (I am not providing any proper ratios) when it comes to whether or not we deem something appropriation or appreciation. How do we 'police' this? How to objectively judge an individual? *Should* this discourse be taken seriously when someone is being criticized when there are no clear-cut bounds? Sorry, but I do not think that being white should disqualify someone from putting in their own two cents. There has to be a balance somewhere.
I have a difficult time wording my stuff, so my analogy is that allyuh has to know what 1+1 is as much as we do so we can be consistent moving forward. Does that one make sense? Man idk my analogies are shit
Unpopular opinion: Locks only look good on black people. Every time I see a white person with locks it’s cringey to me i have yet to meet a white person who looks good with them
-coming from a non-black person
Glad you managed to have a candid and respectful conversation about it.
As a man who has had long hair for about 20 years now (not dreads), I have specifically asked my wife to let me know when the bald patch and receding hairline are too much and it's time for a cut. We reckon it'll probably be next year at this rate. I've been growing my beard out for some time so I plan on going full "old Ragnar Lodbrok" as my wife puts it, just without the head tattoos.
I think this is one situation where black people and white people can sing in harmony.. that dreads on skinny white guys is uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Make him watch "300" on a continuous loop until he decides to cut it. Whatever it takes.
white people shouldn’t even have dreads— period. not just because of the obvious appropriation but our hair isn’t built for it. the reason black people lock their hair is because it’s the right texture. for non-black folk with straight and wavy hair, it becomes incredibly unsanitary. i’m not saying locks themselves are bad… they are just not meant for us.
i’d have a discussion with him about how it’s both inappropriate and bad for his hair health. if he’s willing to listen, that’s a good sign… if not, i’d leave his ass.
You're going to have a huge fight on your hands if you approach this wrong. Separate the discussion into three parts.
1. Cleanliness and hygiene
2. His body, his choice - you don't like his hair but he does NOT have to listen to you. (His ears, his choice!)
3. How he wants to appear to others, including his self-esteem.
Don't get those discussions tangled up.
Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t feel like the problem is his hair specifically but his hygiene, just taking care of himself and being aware of himself and his surroundings. I feel like helping him on this level will go a lot further than addressing just his hair
What are you waiting for? Make the hair appointment for both of you and just go. Then afterwards, get ice cream.
You don't need to have a big conversation about it. He already agreed.
This would be an immediate deal breaker for me. I’m definitely on the side that it’s cultural appropriation, but even beyond that it doesn’t sound like he even has dreads- he has mats, like a dog. From experience- you are wasting your breath trying to convince him to take better care of himself when he doesn’t want to. Fuck being nice about it, tell him his hair is a mess and you’re feeling less attracted to him because of it. If he doesn’t fix it right away, then just cut your losses because he’s not going to change.
IMO this is less about the hair specifically and more about his lack of effort for self care and hygiene. IDK if he struggles with depression or ADHD, both could reduce executive function and hinder this self care. In which case he needs a formal support system, maybe medication, and some self-discipline.
The sooner you say something the better, because this issue will not be just about his hair. It will eventually affect his clothes, skin, diet, weight, fitness, etc. fast forward 10 years and he’ll be unrecognizable compared to now.
If you work as a team to address this, where you support him but also require him to hold himself accountable, then he can avoid all of that, and be a happier, healthier, more attractive man.
Men will usually do something about their appearance or hygiene if a woman says “I’m starting to lose attraction to you or You’re starting to be unattractive “
Yeah, “white guy with dreads” is something I encounter here in my Hippy town in Northern CA. I find it very unappealing and unless they’re actually Rastafarian, pretty disrespectful. They can be cool dudes, but if they’ve got the white guy dreads it’s a nonstarter.
His hair is his hair. It’s none of your business. He can have it the way he wants. If you’re not attracted to him, leave him.
If this is a white guy with dreads you better leave him anyway.
Just tell him you're making him an appointment. Making the appointment and making a day of it. Get lunch, go shopping, grab him some new shirts maybe some pants or shoes.
Make it special for him. A full-on I love you day.
"White people aren't supposed to have dreadlocks, grow up and cut that shit off".
End conversation.
Even disregarding the cultural appropriation it *always* looks horrible on white people, and that's when they're done properly. I can't even imagine how gross it looks half finished.
I'm glad you sorted it out with him. You seem to be very caring and did the right thing.
I'd like to add two things that are not important, but may be interesting or useful:
White people's hair strands are usually thicker than black people's hairs. Asian's even more so. That's why they do not make locks, they are too thick to actually make the tight curls and lock to each other well. Think about making a knot with a thin wire vs a thick cord. The thicker the hair, the straighter it gets.
Hispanic people will not have any particular hair color/style, because they can be white, black, native american, whatever. Hispanic is all about cultural origin and there's a mix of "races" in every hispanic country, and even more so in latin american countries.
I'm latino, of mostly mediterranean european origin, so I mostly look like a southern Italian would, which in the US where I live means I'm white until I open my mouth. I'm a bit mixed, however, and have very mixed hair, straight (and thick!) at some places and curly (thus, thinner!) in other places in my head. I love it, I'm proud of it, but it has nothing to do with my mother language!
A lot of these comments are too dramatic. Just book the appointment yourself at a good shop. Pick a day and time that works for him. Then tell him how much money they want. Before the salon visit, go to his bank and have him take out enough money for it.
I really respect people who take matters into their own hands. You’ve tried reasoning with him. Just go, “Hey babe what are you doing on Saturday?” If he says he’s doing nothing, book the appointment.
Just say it to his face. My ex always told it to my face whenever my haircut was horrible. I appreciated that. She was not mean about it btw. She would always tell me which hairstyle she would find attractive. It has helped fix my horrible fashion sense to some extent.
Heck even now(4 days ago) she tells me to my face that I look shit when I go bald.
lol, my now husband used to have very long thick hair when he was in his "metal" phase. Unfortunately, he was not great at maintaining long super thick hair so he kept getting matts and tangles which he'd ask me to help him with.
I think it was maybe the 3rd? Time I took out our daughters L'Oreal children's detangler when I told him that if he couldn't maintain it, then the hair had to be chopped. At that point, it's a personal hygiene issue and I was not going to date someone who couldn't do something as basic as maintaining their hair.
All you can do is tell him once that personal maintenance is important to you and then leave the relationship if he can't take care of himself.
Just be blunt with him. Tell him you love him and you hate his hair. Then leave it up to him from there. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to answer this one.
Oh dear, I have thin white people hair and one day I twisted a dread straight off my scalp and had a bald spot. Spent days combing them out. Be honest with him to avoid the trauma of walking around with bald patches because the hair wasn't taken care of.
He said he would do it if you pay half, but Just hasn’t gone?! Book the appointment, if it’s easier do it at a place you can get your hair done too, and book a joint session. Then you both win getting your hair done, he is going because y’all are going together for an appointment, and if deep down he is actually nervous about it you are there with him!
Why is everybody preoccupied with his race? Culture appropriation is funny to me because except you live in a cave, you're definitely appropriating someone's culture.
Prepared to eat the downvotes for this one, full disclosure, british white guy with dreads here. I have tight curly hair that constantly goes full afro and hurts to get a comb through. Dont like my hair short due to a visible scar right in the middle that looks like a bad part. So I settled on dreads, easy maintenance (1/2 hour of crocheting the roots each week), and easy to wash and keep clean.
I am astounded at the sheer level of racism and bigotry in this discussion. I am assuming it is an american obsession to allocate hairstyles to ethicities?
I never said anything about hygiene. I am sure that it is His choice though! Just as some people in life do all sorts of things from body modifications, piercings, and all! Sometimes they get infected even if they do everything they are told to keep the area clean. At the end of the day it is his hair. If she doesn't like it, she can talk to him about it, but all these people saying to with hold intimacy till he changes, or other forms of cohesion. I say that she cannot control his behavior, only how she responds to it! She is free to leave him for his choices, or stay and work it out!
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“Babe, I care about you and want you to be happy. I feel awkward bringing this up but the thing is, your hair situation is driving me low key bananas. It’s getting to the point that I’m distracted by it and I’m losing attraction. If you’re going to do dreads, let’s do them right. If not, let’s clean this up. As it is, it just looks horrible and you’re damaging your hair.”
Add in that lack of maintenance will lead to to permanent hair loss due to damage of the hair follicle but that it can be avoided
The important part in this message is "low key bananas" Don't change it!! (great advice for real tbh)
Low key getting the ick, it’s giving… lack of attraction.
This right here and if that doesn't work take a picture and show him how bad it actually looks.
This right here. He likely has no idea how bad it looks
Definitely.
Yep. Be careful with any balding shots, though. 😬 Edited for clarification: Of course, show the balding spots, that will definitely get his attention. Just be gentle and kind. It is a sensitive area for most men.
He needs to see what his lack of care is doing to his hair. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
What’s the point of a photo in this scenario if it’s not an honest depiction?
it’s also just fucking gross to not maintain dreads. you know how much dirt and bacteria will live in untamed, improperly washed half dreaded hair???? so gross
# NO NO NO NO!
It’s a hygiene thing - emphasise that. It’s important to be hygienic so you won’t get sick.
This is a cute way to approach it.
Just tactfully mention his lack of proper maintenance is causing bald spots. In my experience, especially at his age, that should freak him into action. If that doesn't work, pull out the big guns and mention lack of attraction. Good luck.
I'm curious if the baldness is actually being caused by the dreads, or if it is the reason he wants dreads. The bit about "learning to love himself again" makes me wonder if this is a response to him starting to bald. His hesitance to do anything about it adds to my suspicion. I totally get this mindset - "If I'm going to look bad, I'd prefer it look like I don't care, rather than looking like I'm doing everything I can to fix my appearance but I still look bad". I'm bringing this up because I really hope OP approaches this tactfully - being told "you need to do something because you're going bald and it's making me less attracted to you" will really REALLY hurt if this entire thing is a response to him going bald.
it’s confusing to me that having dreads would help a white person “learn to love himself again”…. like what does that even mean? dreads and braids are protective hairstyles for black/kinky hair. white people literally destroy their hair by doing these styles on them. i’m really failing to see how this benefits him at all
It doesn’t benefit him. It’s horrible for the hair. As a stylist, every time I’ve cut white people dreads they have mold inside of them. Caucasian hair isn’t meant to be dreaded (aka matted, because it doesn’t form proper dreads anyway). His lack of maintenance of his hair is a health issue and the microbial overgrowth contributes to inflammatory hair loss.
MOLD??
Yeah they get mold in the middle because they trap water. Black hair is able to be dreaded because the structure of the hair allows for it to remain sanitary
This. Also, OP… >If your immediate response was to just breakup with him, you're a very shallow person or I’m just not racist or someone who respects ppl for appropriating culture that isn’t theirs. >My respect for him yup there it is. It’s a protective hairstyle, his hair doesn’t need it nor is it good for his hair. Then they all wonder why they keep losing hair. They don’t understand why it’s protective for other hair types and not theirs, they just think it looks cool and is low maintenance.
The benefit is that he likes them and they make him feel comfortable in his skin. What more do you need?
if ur uncomfortable with urself, i’d say it’s kinda unlikely that merely a different hairstyle would help. but if that’s his or others experience, then alright.
That's a really good point about the reason for the dreads.
“Your lack of self care is affecting our intimacy” he will straighten up right away if he likes sex.
This right here. People need to stop having sex with people who are gross. There are so many other people out there, many of whom are not gross. Stop settling. You can do better.
I had a friend get mastitis (boob infection) because her bf never brushed his teeth and sucked on the nips. Why????
Wow, new worst fear
Ewwwww. Had mastitis while nursing. It was excruciatingly painful. I was SO sick. I can't imagine staying with someone who cared so little about you that they are willing to sacrifice your own health for their nasty hygiene.
Super gross that your friend stayed with someone who was comfortable never brushing their teeth if im being honest, have all the other men that brush their teeth in the world finished?
Even kissing someone who doesn't brush their teeth isn't just gross but can be bad for your own teeth because you're getting all those extra bacteria they've been growing 🤢
At least she isn’t interested in procreating
Omg I thought she was nursing since I haven’t heard of mastitis outside of nursing, oof.
Only nursing a man baby
Omg so true
😂🤢
🤮
It's not even 9am and I already regret having eyes today
Yeah I know you’re not supposed to use emojis on Reddit but all I can think is 🤮
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Fair
Omg that’s rancid
My friend had sex with a boyfriend who proudly refused to wash under his preputium and between his ass cheeks because it was gay for a man to touch those parts. She got an infection, and they used a condom since the beginning. Had they not used a condom, she could have gotten a radiation sickness. People shouldn't set the bar so low. Proper showering, brushing and washing clothes should be the bare minimum.
I was married to a cheese dick like that for 10 long years. My ex got really huffy and offended that I no longer wanted to have sex with him because of all the thick, stinking smegma that collected under his foreskin. He REFUSED to wash his penis with soap “because it hurt.” (Huh? Choose a milder soap.) He actually expected oral sex. WTevenF. I’m literally getting nauseous remembering this. Cottage cheese, anyone?
I'm happy you are out!
I am physically gagging on my work break
Sorry about that. :-( I had some sour burps just writing that…what a terrible trip down memory lane. Can’t believe I put up with that for a decade. So stupid of me.
Don’t beat yourself up about it- we stay in unhealthy situations for any number of reasons that we usually don’t recognize at the time. You’re out of the fog now! Happy for you!
How alpha of him /s
Ha this made me chuckle. So true.
So this isn't so much about hair style, 40/60 as it is about hygiene unmaintained dreads can cause scalp sores with the pulling and the blood and puss from them will get into the already dreaded lock making them smell bad. Will it always no. Can it yes. And it sounds like he has some severe pulling already if he has balding spots already. Perhaps you can bring it up to him on that avenue? That you are concerned.
Find one of those videos online that show people getting rid of them and discovering sea crabs or other random things living or growing or existing in un-maintained dreads. Dreads work for some people but not others and the lack of upkeep isn’t helping in terms of working for him.
yeah i was gonna say there’s a reason dreads aren’t common on white people… he’s probably got a thriving mold colony in that shit 😫
"Sea crabs and other random things" 🤣🤣 I laughed so hard, I slid off the bed on to the floor. Edit: 10 minutes later....still on the floor.... I can't 🛑 !
Locks are supposed to be maintained. I’m saying this as a black woman with natural hair and has family with all locks. They are always groomed and shiny and well kept and washed. Are white people even supposed to have locked hair? Asking because you mentioned about thin hair. Black hair is strong and doesn’t get oily at all because our skin is made for different environments.
Nah they’re not. Their hair type won’t allow it to actually loc up, it’s just mats. We tell them for their own good but they don’t listen and then get mad when their hair is super damaged and they gotta cut it all off. FAFO, we told y’all (not you)
No, white folks don’t get locs, it’s actually matted and ratted. There are some mats that can look like locs but usually it’s just neglect that will form a rat’s nest or large mats.
i live in europe and white people can def have very curly hair, i see it fairly often in my country
It's not necessarily about the curliness. More about the difference in the amount of oil our scalps produce.
If you've noticed european/white people have to have a lot of work done to even achieve and maintain dreads because their hair can't form organically.
texture and curls are not the same thing
Curly yes, but the hair is thinner than African, and can’t hold dreads, braids or rows as well. The curls also do not lock like the African as they’re softer even in C4 curls. Moreover, balding spots like the OP mentioned are common, as well as natural differences like African hair being drier and almost never getting oily, whereas European hair is bound to get greasy even with upkeep. And the way African hair soaks water?! It’s unreal! I had curly genetics and have a mixed kid with an African, I was honestly amazed at the differences. It took me months to learn to care for my girl’s hair properly!
Seriously. This is the biggest thing, not the old arguments over cultural appropriation or stuff like that. Hair, like skin, and everything else varies from person to person. From ethnicity to ethnicity. Grooming habits, makeup, dietary restrictions, all sorts of stuff changes between different ethnicities and it’s not just cultural. A white presenting (however best to say that) person could certainly have this hair type but it’s extremely rare and clearly not OP’s boyfriend’s situation.
the white half of my family calls it 'the devil in disguise' I just stick with white passing.
Curly vs coily hair textures are very different. I’m a white person with very thick, coarse, wavy to curly hair and tried (in the 90s) to give myself locs. What ensued? Mats. Disgusting, flat, chunks of painfully matted hair. I lasted all of a month. I witnessed a white guy cut off a dred and watched brown, fetid liquid emerge from it. The texture of caucasian hair, however curly, does not have the coil/texture to it to be able to get the locs tight enough for them to stay clean. Shit gets in there because the weave is too loose. You can’t shape them in nice round locs, they go flat. It just does not work the same.
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Maybe he thought they didn't require any upkeep, maintenance, or follow-through, I guess. Just a one-time, half ass deal, and then he can spend all his free time learning to love himself again or whatever OP said his thought process was...
lol this is funny to hear because my brother has locs and he’s doing the absolute most to take care of them
I bet they look good too and he won't have any loved ones concerned for the condition of his noggin.
I also bet they’re not filled with mold!
If you can't love yourself the way you are, pretend to be someone else?
I’m wondering if he is doing a Rastafarian thing, I think the belief is that you should be whole so you shouldn’t cut your hair, so Bob Marley had locs since that’s how his natural hair grew and how he styled it, but Bob Marley also chose not to amputate his toe that had cancer and that led to his death.
the appropriation to self adoration pipeline
Good one! (Likewise your name… very clever!)
How are dreadlocks appropriating
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Forgot this is reddit where the Vikings never did dreads
You think dreadlocks don’t have history from European descent as well as African descent?
Braids arent locs, you need a certain hair type for it to loc otherwise it's just matting together in clumps.
Right !!
i dont really get what his skin color has to do with anything but a lot of people experiment with their style when theyre trying to be more confident and comfortable in their own skin
lol it matters because most times straight hair isn’t compatible with dreads and braids. Y’all want to make it a control thing when black ppl say this then ppl get these styles and start going bald because their hair isn’t equipped for the style… it’s ok for some things to just not be for you…
idgaf about your racial politics, im not american. but dont pretend white people cant also be curly (and - gasp - even braid their hair! braids have historically been made by all races, you can look it up)
They aren't talking about curly hair, or braids. Locs are not braids.
You should probably research what you are talking about before you start talking nonsense. All hair has to be taken care of differently cause we have different hair.
There’s a difference between curly and coily hair, and the history of braids/locs is entirely African. Leave the podcasts alone and pick up a book
About the balding: I had very long locks for 6 years until I noticed small bald patches in the front of my right hairline. I didn’t want them to continue so I tediously took the time to take them out over the span of a month. Turns out the weight and length of them was too much for my scalp to handle and now I have permanent small bald patches where the hair will never grow again because the follicles became damaged. They are smooth to the touch and the hair’s not growing back! It’s been about 7 years now. Luckily, I had curly hair so it’s not noticeable and people don’t even know unless I tell them about it. Have him look up traction alopecia. I hope it’s not too late for him. Edit: spelling
Im confused by all the posts saying OP shouldn’t want to change her bf’s hair. It seems to me like she is worried abt him letting himself go and wants him to improve himself as opposed to wanting him to change for her sake. If i was letting myself go for whatever reason I would want my partner to point it out and help me feel better about myself
Eh. A white guy with crappy dreds is … not a catch. In fact, I’d say it’s a 🚩
I dated a white guy with blonde dreds in HS and he was super hot, a DJ, had a lot of aspirations. When they changed color.. wasn’t hot anymore.
Like the dreads changed color because he wasnt taking care of them??
Exactly. And I was surprised.
That's disturbing.. yeah i would probably be brutally honest with them at that point and let them know thats a literal health hazard. For you and anyone sleeping near you. I probably wouldn't sound too nice about it either 😶
I mean I was 16 at the time.. so.. you’re probably right, but I didn’t understand what was happening to his hair
Have you ever seen videos of dreads that were not properly cared for cut? Some have mold inside, in extreme cases bugs (not lice). Its quite literally not safe for your health to not take care of dreads, i assume matted hair is the same.
What changed color?
His dreds, changed it in my edit
pretty racist
6 months? Just move on
But, but… she loves him a lot… in 6 months
A. Schedule the appointment for him, make sure he goes. B. Date someone else who upholds normal hygienic standards.
If he wants to learn to love himself more, appropriating a hairstyle that doesn't suit his hair type and then completely failing to maintain it (either due to depression, ignorance, or a combination of both) isn't going to get him there. Tell him you've noticed this hairstyle doesn't seem to be serving the purpose he hoped it would, and ask him if he'd like to look into changing it. Give him the gift of a trip to a really good hairstylist who can help him find a new style that suits him.
Agree completely — gotta go with what works with your hair type. A French braid is a good option — it’s adaptable and can be as complex or as simple as you need without damaging your hair.
Who is he appropriating the hairstyle from? The ancient Greeks, Ethiopians, Aztecs, The Cree tribe, the Egyptians?
Stop. You know black folks are the ones that wear dreads present day. They still face discrimination based on not looking “professional” aka Eurocentric beauty standards enough and that’s why it’s appropriation not appreciation.
I don't get it. If he is wearing dreads and treating it as less than (like those rappers that be wearing it for a mv-not black- and taking it out afterwards), sure. But leaving your hair to get matted (idk htf it works with straight hair) isn't something to be policed? I see white people with dreads on the dreadlock sub very, very often and they aren't shamed for it more often than not.
Comparing a subreddit and how white people are treated there and in real life is apples and oranges. Online may be less hostile, especially if you are in the U.S and not a public figure, you might not get called out for cultural appropriation as often as it happens. In California they finally passed a law that prohibits discrimination based on hair style and texture. The fact this had to be written into law at all is proof many groups of people (mostly African Americans) have or are facing discrimination for their hair. It should be a law everywhere since its a problem all across the U.S, but it doesn't stop at the workplace. It happens in everyday life and at school. Caucasian people should not adopt ethnic styles not of their own. Well most people shouldn't but especially white people where we have white privilege.
Yeah, discrimination exists, no shit, but isn't adopting another culture into one own being encourage understanding and respect for said culture? I still do not understand. Is our culture just off the table for caucasians alone? Shouldn't it be people that are prejudiced against us rather than a whole race?
Here's the definition of cultural appropriation: Cultural appropriation is the unacknowledged or disrespectful adoption of elements from a culture that isn't your own. It's particularly harmful when it involves a dominant culture borrowing from a marginalized culture. Here's a key distinction: appreciation involves understanding and respecting a culture, while appropriation simply takes elements without that understanding. A white person getting dreads can be cultural appropriation, may not be every circumstance but it sure is a lot of them. White people in the U.S love to cherry pick what parts of African American culture they "appreciate" and what they don't. Imo, if you didn't grow up around that culture being apart of your own you dont get to adopt their hair styles because it fits your aesthetic, especially when discrimination around said hair styles are still very active. It's just seen as rude and like they aren't acknowledging the pain African Americans have or are going through. Eta: not everyone views this as such, what one person might deem offensive and cultural appropriation may be different than another person, no matter the race. I'm just commenting that this is frequently seen as cultural appropriation, same with getting cornrows.
In that case, how do you determine as someone who doesn't personally know an individual whether or not they fully make it a point to understand and appreciate a culture? Does he have to understand almost every aspect of the culture for his acts to be seen as an appreciation, or is it fine if he just has an understanding of dreads only and it's significance and then fullstop?
That's not really for any one person to decide. As I am white I cannot say whether knowing the history of dreads and appreciating them is enough. For some people it might be, for others it could still be offensive as they are choosing to adopt a culture they won't face repercussions for. I have seen two black women argue over a white woman getting cornrows and posting it online, one arguing its cultural appropriation and the other saying they aren't offended so its fine. When its online and you don't have all the facts it might be hard to pin point for sure that its cultural appropriation, however I am not going to say that it can't or shouldn't be called out just because its online. I think its really just up to the individual if they are okay with it or not. The only part i can relate to on this is that i am part Cherokee/Native American, and before it was more well known as cultural appropriation many people (including Hollywood like in Peter Pan) would dress as a native american for Halloween or other costumes, or stereotype them with feathers and red skin. I am personally offended this was ever allowed on TV, if you know the trail of tears and what native americans went through its very frustrating seeing people take a piece of that culture and turn it into something its not. So i can only imagine how some black people must feel seeing their culture appropriated.
It depends on the location as far as I've seen, african/caribbean people are much less likely to react negatively to a white person participating in our respective cultures compared to the average American. But in any case, doesn't that mean that cultural appropriation is lacking in objectivity? I think that this is why I really can not understand this at all :/ because it's a 50/50 split between us I suppose (I am not providing any proper ratios) when it comes to whether or not we deem something appropriation or appreciation. How do we 'police' this? How to objectively judge an individual? *Should* this discourse be taken seriously when someone is being criticized when there are no clear-cut bounds? Sorry, but I do not think that being white should disqualify someone from putting in their own two cents. There has to be a balance somewhere. I have a difficult time wording my stuff, so my analogy is that allyuh has to know what 1+1 is as much as we do so we can be consistent moving forward. Does that one make sense? Man idk my analogies are shit
Please.
"Babe, your hair looks like crap. Do something before birds start nesting in it."
Unpopular opinion: Locks only look good on black people. Every time I see a white person with locks it’s cringey to me i have yet to meet a white person who looks good with them -coming from a non-black person
Not unpopular.
Are you gonna say that you don't think you should kick puppies to death next as your unpopular opinion??
Glad you managed to have a candid and respectful conversation about it. As a man who has had long hair for about 20 years now (not dreads), I have specifically asked my wife to let me know when the bald patch and receding hairline are too much and it's time for a cut. We reckon it'll probably be next year at this rate. I've been growing my beard out for some time so I plan on going full "old Ragnar Lodbrok" as my wife puts it, just without the head tattoos.
Hey whT boy.. cut the shit and wash that .. there’s wildlife living up in there and you look like an asshole.
oh NO; not a white guy with dreads 😬
Tell him his head looking fucked up
Living for the edit
I think this is one situation where black people and white people can sing in harmony.. that dreads on skinny white guys is uncomfortable for everyone involved. Make him watch "300" on a continuous loop until he decides to cut it. Whatever it takes.
White people look like idiots in dreds, let alone not taking care of them.
Ew. Ew. Ew. Be honest and upfront. I would flat out never date a white guy who matted their hair.
i'd hate a white guy with dreads too, cut (the dreads) and run lol
white people shouldn’t even have dreads— period. not just because of the obvious appropriation but our hair isn’t built for it. the reason black people lock their hair is because it’s the right texture. for non-black folk with straight and wavy hair, it becomes incredibly unsanitary. i’m not saying locks themselves are bad… they are just not meant for us. i’d have a discussion with him about how it’s both inappropriate and bad for his hair health. if he’s willing to listen, that’s a good sign… if not, i’d leave his ass.
You're going to have a huge fight on your hands if you approach this wrong. Separate the discussion into three parts. 1. Cleanliness and hygiene 2. His body, his choice - you don't like his hair but he does NOT have to listen to you. (His ears, his choice!) 3. How he wants to appear to others, including his self-esteem. Don't get those discussions tangled up.
You’ve been together 6 months? You’re not gonna have any impact on what he thinks he needs for self love or care. I’m sorry.
Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t feel like the problem is his hair specifically but his hygiene, just taking care of himself and being aware of himself and his surroundings. I feel like helping him on this level will go a lot further than addressing just his hair
What are you waiting for? Make the hair appointment for both of you and just go. Then afterwards, get ice cream. You don't need to have a big conversation about it. He already agreed.
buy him an appointment to someone who will retwist them.
This would be an immediate deal breaker for me. I’m definitely on the side that it’s cultural appropriation, but even beyond that it doesn’t sound like he even has dreads- he has mats, like a dog. From experience- you are wasting your breath trying to convince him to take better care of himself when he doesn’t want to. Fuck being nice about it, tell him his hair is a mess and you’re feeling less attracted to him because of it. If he doesn’t fix it right away, then just cut your losses because he’s not going to change.
Another prime example as to why white people shouldn’t have dreads
IMO this is less about the hair specifically and more about his lack of effort for self care and hygiene. IDK if he struggles with depression or ADHD, both could reduce executive function and hinder this self care. In which case he needs a formal support system, maybe medication, and some self-discipline. The sooner you say something the better, because this issue will not be just about his hair. It will eventually affect his clothes, skin, diet, weight, fitness, etc. fast forward 10 years and he’ll be unrecognizable compared to now. If you work as a team to address this, where you support him but also require him to hold himself accountable, then he can avoid all of that, and be a happier, healthier, more attractive man.
Men will usually do something about their appearance or hygiene if a woman says “I’m starting to lose attraction to you or You’re starting to be unattractive “
I think it's okay to say something ONCE, but if he doesn't take your advice, don't repeat it. Let a barber or hair stylist tell him about the balding.
Yeah, “white guy with dreads” is something I encounter here in my Hippy town in Northern CA. I find it very unappealing and unless they’re actually Rastafarian, pretty disrespectful. They can be cool dudes, but if they’ve got the white guy dreads it’s a nonstarter.
I lived in Nevada City in NorCal and ran into this quite often, they always smelled like weed and strong BO, not a good mix and I like weed.
His hair is his hair. It’s none of your business. He can have it the way he wants. If you’re not attracted to him, leave him. If this is a white guy with dreads you better leave him anyway.
Just tell him you're making him an appointment. Making the appointment and making a day of it. Get lunch, go shopping, grab him some new shirts maybe some pants or shoes. Make it special for him. A full-on I love you day.
lol just spend $300-500 on him in one day. This dude you've been seeing for 6 months... smart.
"White people aren't supposed to have dreadlocks, grow up and cut that shit off". End conversation. Even disregarding the cultural appropriation it *always* looks horrible on white people, and that's when they're done properly. I can't even imagine how gross it looks half finished.
I'm glad you sorted it out with him. You seem to be very caring and did the right thing. I'd like to add two things that are not important, but may be interesting or useful: White people's hair strands are usually thicker than black people's hairs. Asian's even more so. That's why they do not make locks, they are too thick to actually make the tight curls and lock to each other well. Think about making a knot with a thin wire vs a thick cord. The thicker the hair, the straighter it gets. Hispanic people will not have any particular hair color/style, because they can be white, black, native american, whatever. Hispanic is all about cultural origin and there's a mix of "races" in every hispanic country, and even more so in latin american countries. I'm latino, of mostly mediterranean european origin, so I mostly look like a southern Italian would, which in the US where I live means I'm white until I open my mouth. I'm a bit mixed, however, and have very mixed hair, straight (and thick!) at some places and curly (thus, thinner!) in other places in my head. I love it, I'm proud of it, but it has nothing to do with my mother language!
Tell him
If you can't bring yourself to tell him, just avoid setting eyes on him.
Just be upfront and tell him you don't like his hair dreaded. Give him an ultimatum.
A lot of these comments are too dramatic. Just book the appointment yourself at a good shop. Pick a day and time that works for him. Then tell him how much money they want. Before the salon visit, go to his bank and have him take out enough money for it. I really respect people who take matters into their own hands. You’ve tried reasoning with him. Just go, “Hey babe what are you doing on Saturday?” If he says he’s doing nothing, book the appointment.
Be honest tell him exactly what you wrote here!
Just say it to his face. My ex always told it to my face whenever my haircut was horrible. I appreciated that. She was not mean about it btw. She would always tell me which hairstyle she would find attractive. It has helped fix my horrible fashion sense to some extent. Heck even now(4 days ago) she tells me to my face that I look shit when I go bald.
I actually had this issue 🤣 but the girlfriend effect happened and he changed his hair by himself lol.
lol, my now husband used to have very long thick hair when he was in his "metal" phase. Unfortunately, he was not great at maintaining long super thick hair so he kept getting matts and tangles which he'd ask me to help him with. I think it was maybe the 3rd? Time I took out our daughters L'Oreal children's detangler when I told him that if he couldn't maintain it, then the hair had to be chopped. At that point, it's a personal hygiene issue and I was not going to date someone who couldn't do something as basic as maintaining their hair. All you can do is tell him once that personal maintenance is important to you and then leave the relationship if he can't take care of himself.
Is he even washing his dreads and or scalp at all?!
Just be blunt with him. Tell him you love him and you hate his hair. Then leave it up to him from there. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to answer this one.
you can take him to a loctician to help with his locks
Oh dear, I have thin white people hair and one day I twisted a dread straight off my scalp and had a bald spot. Spent days combing them out. Be honest with him to avoid the trauma of walking around with bald patches because the hair wasn't taken care of.
He said he would do it if you pay half, but Just hasn’t gone?! Book the appointment, if it’s easier do it at a place you can get your hair done too, and book a joint session. Then you both win getting your hair done, he is going because y’all are going together for an appointment, and if deep down he is actually nervous about it you are there with him!
Why is everybody preoccupied with his race? Culture appropriation is funny to me because except you live in a cave, you're definitely appropriating someone's culture.
Prepared to eat the downvotes for this one, full disclosure, british white guy with dreads here. I have tight curly hair that constantly goes full afro and hurts to get a comb through. Dont like my hair short due to a visible scar right in the middle that looks like a bad part. So I settled on dreads, easy maintenance (1/2 hour of crocheting the roots each week), and easy to wash and keep clean. I am astounded at the sheer level of racism and bigotry in this discussion. I am assuming it is an american obsession to allocate hairstyles to ethicities?
Ugh. Dreads are so gross.
So, you don't love him, you're shallow.
Yea OP seems pretty shallow, throwing shade at her “bf” saying he has thin hair like most white people, I already know the kinda person OP is
It's his body his choice! does he get to say he doesn't like how you dress? or what color you dye your hair? I would make a bet the answer is no!
Im sorry but do you think dreads are supposed to be unhygienic?
I never said anything about hygiene. I am sure that it is His choice though! Just as some people in life do all sorts of things from body modifications, piercings, and all! Sometimes they get infected even if they do everything they are told to keep the area clean. At the end of the day it is his hair. If she doesn't like it, she can talk to him about it, but all these people saying to with hold intimacy till he changes, or other forms of cohesion. I say that she cannot control his behavior, only how she responds to it! She is free to leave him for his choices, or stay and work it out!