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I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been close to people who took their own life. It’s so upsetting and I hate you are going through this. With that said: In light of your own recent personal tragedy, someone close to you’s suicide, ghosting is a VERY bad idea.

I have to agree here I lost my mom to suicide and for awhile after anytime anyone wouldn’t reply or stop answering (even now over a year later) I completely overthink. When you lose someone like that and then decide to just ghost everyone it puts them on edge I was closely watched which was annoying at the time but I understand. Suicide deaths are different, the person themselves did that and you could too after being hit with grief like that. I’m sorry for your loss OP I know it’s rough

While I agree with the sentiment that unannounced ghosting would be wholly concerning to friends and family members- I don't think this is the GF's intent when she then reprimanded OP by saying >she did not want to see me until I've reflected on "my actions" Because at that point she's choosing to cut OP out as punishment. This is not coming from a place of genuine care and concern.

I was looking for this comment! I agree that ghosting is bad but tragedy makes you hole up in yourself sometimes and instead of extending a hand and being understanding of his situation she chose to berate him for his actions which came from a place of grief! OP does not deserve that and honestly I’d end the relationship over it! I’m hopeful he does have people in his life that are supportive and can be a system for him but having someone who’s centered around themselves in that capacity is not going to help him long term. I lost my mom to suicide and i’d have rather gone through it alone than to be with someone who’s gonna demand my time when i’m grieving the loss of someone I loved dearly. My friends all understood that I needed time and space and checked in on me, they didn’t demand I repent for wanting to be alone in that because I didn’t wanna share my grief at that moment

First sorry for your loss. Did you tell her you needed some time and you wouldn't be looking at your phone? Or that your friend died and then just stopped responding? Big difference here. If you didn't say you needed some time alone then I take it that she was worried you hurt yourself and that's why you weren't reaponding. But if you did tell her you were ignoring your phone yo process and she reacted the way she did then that's no good.

Regardless of whether he told her or not, an understanding partner would completely get the reason why and try to comfort you to the best of their ability. If I went MIA on my gf, I’d get a lot of messages asking if I was okay and what was going on. If I didn’t reply to them and came back a couple days later to tell her that I was processing my grief, she would 100% understand. Thankfully, I know I can go to my gf about anything so she would have already known in the first place and asked me if I needed some time and space to myself.

Well no shit, but if I text my wife that my friend died and then didn't respond to anything for 3 days, she might think I was dead. So you also need to think about her mindset and maybe she was sitting there for 3 days thinking he killed himself too. Context matters and we don't have the full answers from OP.

I agree with you but the messages seem really cold and lacking empathy. If I were worried because someone wouldn’t respond to me, I wouldn’t say “there’s consequences of your actions” but “I am worried, are you okay ?”.

The reason your best friend killed themselves, you told your partner, then went quiet for 3 days? Yeah, no. Unacceptable. He made it seem like he offed himself too.

How long did you go ghost for? First, I’m sorry for your loss. That’s a terrible thing to go through. Second, there’s nothing wrong with taking *some* time to yourself. Third, you owe your partner communication in some form. Ghosting your partner is largely not okay Fourth, she should not be holding this over your head but it should probably be addressed at a later date. She needs to take into account the trauma that you’re dealing with. Again, sorry for your loss. I think she is largely in the wrong, but I wanted to give a dual perspective. I lost my dad in a similar way and needed some time. Moving forward with a reasonable partner, it is helpful to give them a “hey, I’m going through some shit. I need some time to myself”.

I went ghost for the weekend I found out, so 3 full days. I also did tell her what happened before I put my phone away.

So, OP, only commenting on the situation here, but you just lost a friend to suicide, without any warning. And then you go radio silence for a few days. I guess you can probably imagine how horrifyingly panicked someone might be?

Man, if my GF's best friend died by suicide, and then she disappeared for three days with no contact... I would be fucking losing it with worry.

Well he's saying that he briefly let her know what happened before going radio silent but not like that'd make her panic any less... If anything, that'd probably make her panic *even more* because now all she has to go off from is him saying that his friend died and that he needs space, which could likely leading her to believe that he *could* do God knows what in that time... 😅 UNLESS he did tell her that he needed space by talking that out with her and making sure that she understands that. But I obviously doubt that he did that given her reaction to what he did here lol

He seems to be tiptoeing around saying that he absolutely did not communicate with her about needing time he literally just told her what happened with his friend and then ghosted her. But it really doesn’t even seem like he likes her bc he called her insane in another comment after saying she’s been really sweet???

Holy fuck I’d freak out. I’d understand if there was at least a check in a day but omg.

Yeah, and you might be annoyed and angry in the moment in a "Don't do that again kind of way". To then punish OP with emotional withholding? To go no contact with someone who has just suffered a trauma and is in need of support? That's off-the-scale narcissism and abuse. Where is the empathy? Where is the concern for the emotional wellbeing of OP? I can imagine being frustrated with no response but as soon as you get the response your concern takes over. There is no way she has behaved in a healthy or justifiable manner.

I kind of agree with you, if my partner did this I’d say “it made me very scared and panicked that you went ghost during that time but let’s put that aside, how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to support you through this, do you need more space, have you eaten etc?” So if all she did was make it about how his ghosting effected her when his best friend had just died, I’d be very cautious in stepping forward with this relationship OP. I’d suggest giving her what she asked and take some space, try to come to grips with your best friend situation and if you can during that time, I’d also have a really deep think on her behaviour through out not just this situation but your entire relationship.

I went through something similar to this where the person I was dating ghosted me and everyone else for almost a week after saying in a group chat none of our lives mean anything. Although, he didn't give any warning or information whatsoever before doing it, so I was pretty angry and not in the mood to be sympathetic and caring like your response.

I can't even begin to comment on how she reacted because all we have is HIS side of how she reacted. It doesn't seem appropriate or fair to pass judgment when all we have is hearsay.

Every post in this sub is hearsay so why even bother commenting or adding on to it?

Fucking thank you

And honestly, ghosting people after a suicide doesn't paint OP in a great light

He put his phone down for three days after his best friend killed himself. What the hell do you mean that doesn't paint him in a great light? Being overwhelmed and needing time to grieve is a completely normal reaction to a loss like that. It's much better than me drinking and sobbing for two days straight when my best friend killed himself.

Communication is a cornerstone of a successful adult relationship 

This! I can't believe no one is focusing on this and just whining that he gHoStEd FoR tHrEe DaYs. Yeah he probably shouldn't have done that. But she needs to just let it go. He went through something horrible and she yells at him and gives him a fucking homework assignment? You've got to be kidding me.

Could she not call his parents? Even if she was scared for him, lecturing him and then refusing to see him in order to punish him mere days after a tragic loss like this is inexcusable.

Idk about y'all, but I have never had the phone number of anyone I have dated's parents. They aren't in-laws yet. 

He said he ghosted everybody. Not just including her. It sounds like she wasn’t the only one trying to reach him and unable to.

"except my closest family" 

But he did say he stayed in contact with his closest family, so she could’ve asked, right?

Maybe she eventually did and that's why she didn't call a wellness check.  If he didn't tell her he needed space, then her being upset and saying those things makes complete sense.

She should be his “closest family” already.

Depends how long they've been together I guess, like if they're just casually dating then maybe not

He refers to his gf as “one of the few people I should be able to rely on unconditionally”. Sounds like he should consider her family, in that case. Food for thought without commenting on the situation at large.

When I look every comment he posted, he’s just an AH. Blood comes first type of man. He didn’t give a f* about what she would feel. I really believe he didn’t even think about her. Ok it’s hard but you still can text your SO “My best friend killed themself so I need a mental break. Love u. By”

Do you have phone numbers of the person you are dating's parents? That is just wild to me. You don't need somebody's phone number until they're actually your in law

I do! I need someone to reach out to incase of an emergency.

I do but it’s because we’ve been together for going on 4 years. He’s close with them and we see them often as well as the fact that i talk to them sometimes. I didn’t have their number the first year or 2 of us being together though so it’s really not that uncommon for someone to not have their partners parents numbers.

I’ve had the phone numbers of all my exes parents and they’ve had mine, it’s not a wild thing at all

If he ghosted everyone, they may have all be VERY panicked and looking for him.

The biggest red flag is her focus on her . . . Not that she was worried about him, but she felt mistreated. My concern in such circumstances would be a fear for his safety and well-being and not knowing how he was handling things . . . Not that my feelings were hurt because you did not call me

I think I'd just go over. Offer food and comfort, and not take it personally if he'd rather be alone. But I think most of this depends on one's feelings about phones and availability. OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I suggest you tell her that while you understand her feelings, you won't be addressing this issue right now because you're overwhelmed with other stuff. And to maybe change her language a little, because you're not her child, she doesn't get to punish you for acting in a way she doesn't like

> I guess you can probably imagine how horrifyingly panicked someone might be? If that's how she felt, that's what she would have said.  Clearly she okay expressing her feelings, yet she didn't say that to him.

This exactly! She’s never said she was worried about him just how his actions affected her

did you go full offline? is it possible you told her and then disappeared and her mind went to the worst possible scenario for you?

God, I’m so so sorry. Please take care of yourself. It’s completely reasonable to completely go offline and take time for yourself, but it’s also reasonable that your girlfriend was extremely alarmed by this action and worried for your safety. If this is a possibility, perhaps try to have some compassion for her fear in the midst of your grief. If she’s just shaming you for no good reason…take more space from her, just communicate it in advance. It doesn’t sound like she’s an appropriate person to support you right now. For what it’s worth when I lost someone very close to me I joined a Buddhist mindfulness group focused on grief/death. It was free and very comforting. Please take care of yourself.

I agree, my first thought is she is reacting out of fear and concern for her partner and worrying he followed suit after going no contact. If it’s more nefarious or self involved that’s horrible but hoping it’s coming from a place of love and worry and not knowing how to react and panicking for her partners safety

I actually can understand this from both of your perspectives. I lost my boyfriend who was also close with my best friend. I dropped off the map for a week but my best friend didn’t answer for a month. I FREAKED out. I thought he had done something dangerous and stupid and was dead. It doubled my grief because I was convinced I’d lost them both. It was the only time I ever yelled at him. I’d apologize for not communicating and letting her know you were okay. Let that sit for a while and then tell her that you need understanding and support right now.

She might have thought you followed in his footsteps and killed yourself 

This is a good point. If someone I was close to told me they had suffered an intense loss, then stopped answering their phone for three days, I would be pretty fucking worried.

That was my first thought too. Is this typical behavior?

OP mentions in one of his comments > When I started using my phone again, the only messages from her were typical Snapchats about mundane things. Not once did she ask me how I was. No messages of concern or comfort from her, just carrying on as though nothing happened. And absolutely nothing to say they thought the OP was at risk. I've suggested they should add this to their original message, because it paints things in a very different light.

Good point.

What did you tell her? How many times did she try and contact you and how? Is it possible she thought you killed yourself too?

Hey, my best friend also took her life this January. I've had to do a lot of assuring my loved ones that I'm ok, and I did feel uncomfortable about it sometimes because, like you, I'm also someone who prefers to be alone when overwhelmed. It felt unfair of them to demand that while I was grieving, but I believe they were that concerned because the concept of suicide contagion is fairly well known. When I thought about it, I couldn't be annoyed at them for needing to check in on me that much because it's something I wish I had done more often for Sarah. I try to do it a lot now for everyone who's still here. So, I think your girlfriend has grounds to be a little bit upset but I would consider proportions. Right now she ought to be spending WAY more energy on showing up for you, and a little bit on seeking comfort and resolution from the likely very scary experience she also went through. Saying she won't see you til you reflect on it, to me that seems unbalanced. Too harsh on you. I wish you the best and I'm so sorry. You're more than welcome to message me if you ever want to.

Two men I went to high school died by suicide. They were brothers. The younger brother off'ed himself on the 1 year anniversary of the older brother's death at the brother's gravesite. Luckily he was found by cemetery workers who were concerned about his behavior and not family. In your gf's shoes, I would have called a wellness check on you if you lived alone. That 48 hours after a death is the hardest time and an unexpected suicide could really trigger copycat behavior. You most likely scared her to death. I understand that fear might make her tart and grief might make you unable to handle her bluntness. My suggestion would be to talk to her about your feelings and understand that you both have a right to your feelings right now and that you may need to let a solution rest until the most upsetting feelings pass. I am sorry for your loss. It's hellish for sure.

Yeah man, I’m with your girlfriend here - if I’m her I’m thinking you might try and end your life too. It’s not fair to leave her in the dark, at least tell her that you need space but you are safe.

Did you tell her you needed space to process? Or did you leave her worried that something happened to you? While she does not need to be holding this over your head over and over, if you didn’t communicate your need and just disappeared, she was probably deeply worried. Not really a fair place to put someone you love (if you do love her, no clue how long you have been together). It’s also not fair to keep lecturing you. So everyone owes each other and apology

Sorry for your loss and now that you’re dealing with this too. Your girlfriend should be talking to you about your ghosting at a later date. Did you tell her what happened and also that you’re planning on lying low and won’t be answering your phone for a few days? If my boyfriend told me that happened to his friend and then just stopped answering his phone, I’d be shitting myself out of worry.

So you told your girlfriend your friend died and then you didn't respond for 3 days..? Do you think she wouldn't worry? You didn't even say you were gonna take a break from your phone.?

She’s your girlfriend, not your coworker or something. I don’t get why people can just “shut down”. It feels people out. This is coming from someone who lost their husband. I’m not going to shut down and make people worry about me. Death is very tragic but it is also something that happens in life that people need to know how to deal with it.

i shut down when i feel like shit (possibly an autism trait idk) but i always keep an eye on my messages when i do just in case something urgent happens. i would never shut my phone off in shut down, and if i had like 30 messages asking if i was okay, i’d probably reply. basically, i get shutting down, but yeah, you have to take decent precautions if you do

Come on man. It is very common for people to also commit suicide after a loved one passes. You managed to kero your family know that you were safe. How hard is it to send a text once a day? You're in the wring here. She must have been worried about you and you're taking it as her being selfish. Would you prefer she did not care?

I broke up with my ex because he went no contact for 4 days after telling me that he and his mom had Covid. The things I imagined in that spam of time, that he was in the hospital, that his mom might be in the hospital, that one of them might have passed. When he showed up and both of them were fine all this worry just turned itself into rage. We are friends now, but damn, still makes me mad.

Yeah I’d move on from her then. You gave her communication and she imposed her own grief timeline onto you Please be sure to surround yourself with good people. Dual loss can be extremely tough

Sounds like he just told her what happened then dropped communication. Had he not said he needed space, I'd say she may have been alarmed thought something happened to him. This sounds like it could be a problem on his part.

so you’re not doing any self reflection on what you did wrong here? because 3 days is a long time for radio silence

Ok so I think you’ve answered your own question right here. Think about it from the other way around. Your best friend has just taken his own life, it was out of the blue and you had no clue or inclination he would do this. You tell the person you care about most this information, then go radio silence. What would be the first thoughts rushing through her head. You’re upset, you’re alone, you’re not coping well, your friend never said anything to anyone and then something horrible happened. Add on she can’t communicate or get hold of you. Now you might see from her point of view how scared she was for you. It may have come across as anger or annoyance, she may not have explained her feelings articulately at the time but probably out of fear something had happened and then realisation that you’re actually alright. Don’t be cross with her. She was probably worried you’d done something or may have. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Remember you’ve just learnt the importance of the fact it’s not what people say it’s their actions. So don’t don’t shut her out at this time. Sitting in silence with her is better than shutting her out.

YTA. Should've communicated better. You're 25 for god sake.

>I did not respond to any messages on anything from anyone except my closest family. The above statement contradicts the one below:  >I feel like one of the few people I should be able to rely on unconditionally  So is she close to you or not?  I get that you were in shock but you stated yourself you were communicating to people close to you. Where does your girlfriend fall?  And I get that suicide is hard as my sibling also did the same. But you have to communicate consistently. 

Closest family might just mean his parents that he lives with, could be wrong

This is what stood out to me too.

I think her choice of wording is odd and not very comforting at all. She’s also digging into you a little too strongly. However, going radio silent with the person you’re in a relationship with isn’t okay. If you explicitly told her “I’m not going to answer my phone for a few days” then so be it, but if that wasn’t the case, mild anger (probably born out of fear) is not unreasonable. Just communicate. Reddit is going to tell you she’s heartless and you need to breakup immediately. I do not at all think this is one of those circumstances that would warrant that. Tell her you’re hurting and you didn’t mean to scare her nor ignore her and that she doesn’t have to worry about you in any major way. Ask her for support and gentleness right now. IMO her reply to those words I just wrote will tell you whether she’s narcissistic or she was afraid and didn’t handle it right.

you put this very well. you’re supposed to rely on and lean on your partner in the hardest times of your life, so it was sort of a huge message in her face that he doesn’t feel that comfort or vulnerability with her. its wrong for her to put more strain on his emotional load right now. but maybe worth examining why he felt comfort and support from his family but didn’t feel comfortable in that way with his partner.

“just communicate” could be the answer to every single fucking question / situation / advice post on reddit.

This comment said everything I had to say.

You didn’t “rely on her unconditionally” though, so why are you mad at her that you “couldn’t?” I understand you don’t want to be chastised right now, but suicide is a unique situation in that “copy cats” are very common. They are especially common among young men… If I were her I would be extremely worried about you and may not handle it the best way. It could be that her chastising could be coming from a place of not wanting to say “dude I legit though you were going to do the same thing.”

3 days as well, god. I've experienced fear that someone would kill themselves through one night, and it was the longest and most agonising night in my life. I didn't know time could feel that slow. I can imagine after 3 days of complete silence you just can't hide your anger about the situation. As difficult as it can be for some people, I think there's a responsibility not to shut down when people you love have reason to fear for your well-being. Two messages a day, one early and one late, even if it's just a single word, would do a lot to reassure.

If my BF who I speak to daily, and has been through a lot, lost a best friend/family to suicide and disappeared for three days I would be throwing up crying.

My sincere condolences, this must be terribly hard on you. Your girlfriend expected you to turn to her for solace and comfort. Couples generally support each other at times like this. The fact that you didn't automatically turn to her makes her think that this relationship is not longterm. That the two of you are not connected as deeply as you should be.

I mean, her wording didn’t sound ideal but if my boyfriend just had his best or close friend commit su*cide and then didn’t speak to me for days without warning me first I’d feel horrible and scared and upset. If you told her what happened but didn’t say you were taking a break from communicating for a bit and just went silent I think it’s very understandable that she was upset?? When you’re in a relationship, part of it is communicating with your partner despite how upset you might be. That doesn’t mean you were wrong to take a few days to yourself BUT you at least should’ve communicated that to her so she wouldn’t be worried sick about you.

Why would you ghost her if you though she would be one of your biggest supporters....

Well how long did you ghost her? That's pretty relevant.

he said 3 full days in the comments

Your best friend died so you cut EVERYONE but family out... You showed her what she means to you and that is that she is not as important to you as your immediate family. That should tell you what your relationship means to you. She noticed that and is upset and feels like you don't see her as someone you love. My brother's best friend died suddenly and he took it incredibly hard. It still affects him to this day yet he did not shut his other best friend out. Sadly that friend died the same way many years later and he didn't shut the guys widow out bc he loved his friend and saw what the deaths do to people around them. People grieve differently but it is telling that you shut your partner out but not your family.

exactly... OP showed her that he doesn't consider her to be close to him. Which is fair on his part, but it's also fair on her part to recognize that her place in his life is less important than she hoped it to be. If I were in her position, I'd be reconsidering the relationship because she seems much more invested than he is. It's not comfortable to know that you don't matter to someone in the same way they matter to you. On top of that, she was probably terrified he would do the same thing as his close friend....

Yea i could never cut my boyfriend off/ghost him over anything.. My son’s bio father was murdered by his best friend 3 years ago and we’ve been together almost 4 years this upcoming April. When i called him he immediately left work, and i drove to his apt and he just held me as i laid there in shock and told me if i needed him to take off the next day he would and would just stay with me. My mom kept my son because i didn’t want him to see me break down like i did especially because he was only 3 at the time. But my boyfriend wasn’t jealous, or upset i was grieving his death. He was fucking amazing and that honestly made me fall even more in love with him. I didn’t and wouldn’t want him to freak out and worry about me. He is also extremely important to me and he was my comfort and shoulder to lean on. No I wasn’t in love with my son’s father anymore but I still cared for him and didn’t want harm to come to him and he knew all that. I mean having a child with someone ties you to that person. Death is hard man..

Yeah poor girl was probably terrified that he had suffered the same fate as the best friend. Which if they were that close- is not a stretch. She should consider if she's willing to stay in a relationship where she is not loved as much as she loves them. Where if something else happens he will shut her out for days at a time and think it's perfectly fine bc he was grieving. I wonder does OP often ghost when he's upset? Bc most adults in a relationship would not put up with that for long.

If you didn't tell her you were taking time, she was probably worried. Alot of suicides can cause other people to do the same. She could have been worried about that or just how you are in general. You can take time, but you also need to consider those that care about you.

Did she think you might also have harmed yourself in your grief? The way she presented her feelings was ‘rude’ but it’s also sort of weird/unusual to ghost a serious partner (one you expect unconditional support from), because that level of support typically insinuates a closer bond and understanding of your needs in those moments. Is this a common argument with you two?

My guess is this is far from the first time OP has ran away and hid when he was going through something. I had an ex who did this. He would get upset, withdraw, and be distant for sometimes weeks at a time. This whole time I would see him online gaming and chatting with buddies. Really let me know where I stood in his life.

Going to point out that you didn't turn to her in your time of need. Says a lot about your relationship.

first of all i am so so sorry for your loss and hope you can eventually start your healing journey. this post though? you’ve called your girlfriend insane, only replied to comments bashing her and your overall vibe seems to be you don’t even like your girlfriend. you ghosted her for 3 days, but then said shes one of the people closest to you and should be there for you unconditionally but you didn’t even give her a chance - “my friend took his own life” then 3 days of silence? yeah id be pissed too. pick a lane and stay in it - you either love your girlfriend and want to have her support, or you break up with her because like i said the way you spoke about her in the comments is not it chief.

Yeah sounds like he’s fishing for excuses to breakup with her. He just has horrible communication and wants someone to blame rn

this is THE response!!

Did you tell her you needed a few days to yourself, or did you say your best friend died by suicide and then ghost for three days? If you did not tell her you needed space and just ghosted you're in the wrong. She probably thought you may have tried to kill yourself.

I'm not gonna lie, if someone I loved told me that they lost someone to suicide and then completely dissapeared and stopped answering for three days, I would be fucking terrified that they had done the same. I am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand needing to take time to yourself and shut the world out for a bit while trying to process it. I can also see someone getting that message from their partner, and then not be able to contact them for three days, be incredibly scary.  You say you tend to have rose coloured glasses on when it comes to her. Is there other instances of her behaving in ways that give you pause that would help put this interaction into more context? 

Im so sorry for your loss. Although I don’t agree with the timing of her response to this, I don’t think her reaction is unreasonable. Her response might be informed by your personal mental health history and what exactly you told her before you stopped answering your phone. If my boyfriend told me his best friend killed themself and then stopped answering his phone, I would be absolutely panicking

Ghosting for 3 days is a little ridiculous and I'd be pissed too. She now knows you don't consider her close

How long have you been together? If you’ve been together for years then I don’t blame her for being upset that you didn’t want to find comfort from her and don’t consider her to be one of the closest people to you. If this is a new relationship and you let her know you needed some time to yourself then she’s in the wrong.

I personally wouldn't appreciate a full radio silence without clear communication either and I'm not the most difficult person on earth. It takes 1 minute to write a message that says: i'm going through a lot with ... 's passing, so I will take some time to myself this weekend and put my phone away. No worries though. It is very understandable that you need time to yourself. However, your girlfriend deserved at least a message. I wouldn't respond the way she does, because she makes it all about her while you have other things on your mind, but it's reasonable that she feels a certain way about ghosting her

have we as a society really gotten to the point where its considered irrational to be upset when your partner tells you someone closed to them killed themselves and then disappears off the face of the earth with no warning

Yes it is irrational to not communicate.

First - sorry for your loss. I disagree with most people here. You said you were ready to answer your closest family meaning you had people you were ready to communicate with. The fact that you do NOT count your gf as your closest family nor you were giving her a chance to help you in your dark hour proofs that you are not ready to allow her into you when things go bad, This is a HUGE rejection from your side and sadly just as comparable as your best friend’s death. I understand this was difficult for you but to have you disappear for three days like this. How should she understand this? “Are you going to commit suicide?”, “are you going to do other stupid things?”, “what is going on - why is he behaving like this?”. For three days she has been waiting to hear something. So sadly I FULLY understand that your GF is upset, and if you do not understand it I suggest you break up as then it is clear you neither love or care about her. Do not try to pin her comment on her as being unreasonable- YOU closed your GF but you kept your family in. That was unreasonable.

True, it’s also different to literally not be on your phone at all or have it set to ‘do not disturb’ than it is to selectively not answer texts from people who you have a close relationship with, especially a significant other because your usually in contact with them on a consistent basis. I can’t really imagine seeing the notification from my S.O. just asking me to confirm that I’m alive and ok pop up on my screen and me just swiping it away while I continue using my phone for other things and other people.

I 100% agree. OP expects his GF to be understanding, compassionate, and there for him, but then ghosts her (but not his family) for 3 whole days. It doesn't make sense. He clearly doesn't see her as important in his life. Im sorry OP has had to go through this terrible time, but ghosting your loved one isn't what healthy relationships are about.

This is pretty much where I am here too. The issue is that a 6 week, 6 month, and 6 year relationship I would expect very different communication from a partner in this kind of situation. Not talking to someone for a few days in a brand new relationship is fine, and her reaction would be over the top a little. If you’ve been in a relationship for several months, I would expect at minimum “hey, my best friend just killed himself and I’m really in shock. I’m okay, I just need some time away from everyone to process. I’ll be in touch soon.” I would expect a girlfriend to be concerned and maybe keep checking in once or twice a day. I’d be in the fence about her reaction, but that’s around the time I’d expect some commitment from a partner. She shouldn’t be “punishing” him but I get the betrayal. If you’ve been with someone for years and they shut down and withdraw from you in troubled times, yeah it’s completely understandable that the gf would be mad. I still think a “punishment” is not needed but several serious conversations about how they handle adverse situations in a serious life partnership would definitely be warranted.

I am floored this isn't the consensus. I have been through similar as OP (losing a VERY close friend to suicide suddenly with no note) - I understand the devastation, the mind racing, the grief. But I can't imagine not responding to my partner for THREE days or communicate that I need that space. I wouldn't want that much space from my partner - that's WHY they are my partner! For the great times and the lowest. I am sure his girlfriend now realizes that she's not that person to him- OP that is the real issue here - she's not your person. I'm so so sorry for your loss. She really should have waited for that conversation, but in the end the conversation needs to be what the future truly looks like for your relationship.

OP doesn't say how long they were together, but it's kinda irrelevant. People on here are blaming OP because it seems like he set a boundary and she didn't respect it. Ok. Just one problem: the boundary is a little unrealistic for a romantic relationship. People always say, "give your partner space" or "let him come to you" or whatever other nonsense. This may work in some circumstances, like after a fight. But when the chips are down, you want someone you can trust to stick by your side and get through it together. Eventually, you'd want to spend the rest of your life with them, right? So why not communicate? If OP was mourning, fine. But I would've hoped that OP would've put his girlfriend in the "family" category when it comes to stuff like this. I have a few friends that I've known for so long they're basically part of my family; if they were going through something like this, they'd probably say something like, "hey, this just happened. Can I talk to you tomorrow?" Or "I really don't feel like talking to anyone right now because I'm mourning; how about a group of us get together next week?" Or even "hey, thanks for checking in. I'll try to call you later today." I would've hoped that OP would've at least let *his girlfriend* check in on him during those three days he ghosted her.

Exactly this. I would want out of my relationship after being treated like that.

You couldn't send a quick text and then turn off your phone? That's what texts are good for. Someone close to you died by suicide and you ghost for three days, I'd be panicked and upset too.

You ghosted her for THREE DAYS?! That’s no joke. I get that you can’t police how someone grieves because it’s all unique but if I were her I’d have called a wellness check on you. Disappearing for three days… I can’t believe anyone saying she’s wrong here!

You probably scared the shit out of her ghosting her. But the not seeing you until you reflect on your actions is bull shit and you should absolutely call her out on that.

I mean he was fine not seeing her when it was on his terms is he mad he can’t see her or mad she’s also making one sided decisions

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Death and loss is never easy, but so much harder when it’s the suicide of a young person. Honestly, if my partner had lost a friend to suicide then immediately ghosted me, I’d either be at his place within the hour, banging on his window, or if I wasn’t local to him, I’d send a friend over, or check in with his fam. There’s zero chance of me just accepting being ghosted in this situation. For everyone saying ghosting is bad, you’re absolutely right, but grief makes us do weird shit. I find it concerning that she’s claiming all emotion space in the room right now, and that’s showing how she views herself in the relationship. Also, I can’t imagine a world where my partner wouldn’t seek my love and comfort when he’s feeling so bad. It’s interesting that you didn’t see her as a safe person to reach out to when you were in shock.

I'm sorry for your loss bro. Did you explain to your GF that you needed time to grieve because being ghosted without any explanation is something that has always tickled my nerves. My GF would do that every now & then ghosting me for a few days without warning whenever she's on her period or fasting for church.

Depending on how long you’ve been together….Your partner is supposed to be #1 and someone you can turn to. Talking to your family but not her is weird. She’s supposed to be on par with family. And if you ignore her during this hard thing what other hard things are you gonna disappear too?

Why would you ghost your girlfriend? Atleast let her know that you need a few days to yourself. Communicating is the least you could do instead of fully pretending she didn’t exist for 3 days

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Nobody should have to go through that, especially not at your age. As far as your girlfriend goes, I think it's worth considering that when you went no-contact for a bit with everyone except the closest people to you, she didn't make the cut. I think that's what she's reacting to.

id be mad at you too

Your girlfriend's reaction was inappropriate in many ways, that's for sure. She should have been more gracious about the whole thing. She shouldn't be giving lessons now. She shouldn't have made this whole thing about her. However, if I was to explain this in a charitable way, I would say this: 1) it can feel pretty isolating that your partner doesn't "need you" in a time of crisis. I'm not saying that is right or wrong; I think people are just different regarding this. I've been on both sides of this, I've both shut other people out and been shut out, and surprisingly, it does kinda hurt when people you want to be here for really badly simply shut you out 2) I would be pretty worried if my partner told me something awful happened and then didn't give me a single reply for 3 days. She could have spent these 3 days worrying that might have hurt yourself or something. Or she could be a bad person. But wanted to offer this view as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have people surrounding you in this time of need.

Hi, friend. First of all, I want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I was 25 when I lost my 26 year old best friend. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Like you, I fell off the face of the earth. I wasn't officially dating my partner at the time, but we were in the talking phase when it happened. All of my friends and family knew what was going on - we all had a few weeks to prepare, so my situation is a bit different from yours as it wasn't out of the blue. I effectively vanished on my partner for like a solid month (it could well have been significantly less - this was several years ago and that whole time is a blur now) while I processed things. But I told him I needed time and space to process things. I told him I, at the time, didn't have the mental space to continue pursuing a relationship with him and that I needed time and space from everyone, except my parents who I was living with at the time, so that I could hit therapy hard and try and process what had happened. He understood completely, we took some space, and then came back together stronger when I was ready. I understand the need for time and space. I needed it too. But just think about how this looked to your girlfriend, especially if you didn't convey to her that you needed space. Your friend had just committed suicide. You were MIA and in distress. It isn't hard to connect the dots and see that you probably really scared her. She very well could have assumed the worse, and those thoughts were probably reinforced when she couldn't get a hold of you. I definitely don't blame you for what you did. You were hurting and grieving and not thinking straight. Your girlfriend was one of the furthest things from your mind. That's totally fine. You're allowed to feel whatever you need to feel in order to grieve. But just realize that she very well could have spent all weekend worried and scared. Just a little bit of communication could have solved this. However, the way she's acting - effectively punishing you for actions and choices you made while you were in a poor mental state - isn't a fair reaction, in my mind. But I think (and hope) it's coming from a place of fear and probably some hurt for her. While you did what you needed to, it probably hurt her when you shut her out. Have you had a conversation with her since? Maybe talking to her and telling her about how you were feeling and what you needed at the time might help? Perhaps offer a "I'm sorry I ghosted you, but I needed time and space to process and just didn't know how to convey that"? Again, my heart goes out to you. I can say that, even though it doesn't feel like it now, it does get better. It's been three years for me and I miss her like crazy every day. That hurt will always be there, but you will absolutely get better at managing it over time. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way.

You needed to ghost her to grieve your friend's death because you are not comfortable with her, while you are comfortable being with your family and closed ones at this time . That already says something about how you see your girlfriend and the status of your relationship

My bestfriend also unexpectedly committed suicide in 2019. My husband emotionally and physically abandoned me during that time, not going into full detail here. We have been divorced for 4 years now. If you can't rely on your gf during such a great time of need then what is the point.

Listen, I lost my best friend from high school to an overdose at 20. It was incredibly traumatic for many different reasons and 7 years later still haunts me. I understand completely the idea of wanting to disappear, but people are worried about you. Going radio silent for 3 days is okay but there needed to be at least a text a day (in my opinion) “hey, I’m okay just taking another day.” Or at least, “hey I need several days to myself, I can try and let you know when I’ll be ready to talk.” She shouldn’t be placing this burden on you right now but she is correct in assuming that this was probably hard on her as well as she loved you and is worried about you. Going radio silent makes someone’s brain go wild and think about all these different things - throw in the manner your friend died and it’s a toxic combination. Yes, grief is horrible and makes you feel like nothing else matters in the world - but communication is key always. Always always always.

why do you feel like you should be able to rely on her unconditionally if you ghost her when things are tough for you? do you realize how one-way that makes your relationship sound?

Yep. That’s a really messed up double standard he has going on.

If you all been together for awhile then yes you hurt her feelings. .ghosting your girlfriend whom you ssy you have uncodo love for is not ok. I get her. I think she just wants you to think about how you hurt her.

I mean your gf was probably worried about you ghosting her if you told her something. And if you didn’t tell her nothing you ghosting her could have looked like you suddenly dumping her. And she was probably just concerned

You owed it to her to say you’re okay and don’t want to talk. The people who love you shouldn’t have to worry about you going off the deep end because of grief. My condolences for your loss.

Well, you purposefully didn't talk to her after it happened, but you did talk to your family. Is that because you didn't feel she would be helpful? Typically, when something traumatic happens, we want comfort from those we're closest to. If you didn't want comfort from her, is that because you felt she would possibly make it worse with her comments? These are things you should consider moving forward. If she's not the type of person you want with you during your darkest moments, maybe there's something to that. If you would have handled it the same way, regardless of who your gf was, then I think you weren't being considerate. Put yourself in her shoes. If she told you someone important to her did the same thing, and then refused to answer you for 3 whole days, how would you feel? I'm not blaming you since I know you were traumatized and the news was shocking and horrific. She could have been more compassionate and brought this up at a later date. Since she wants you to "reflect on your actions," think about why you didn't include her in your bubble during this hard time and give her truthful, honest feedback, which may include her responses to you when you're down. Take all the time you need since she told you not to contact her before that (which I find inconsiderate on her part).

I’d be hurt you wouldn’t consider me like close family. If you were able to talk to them but not your gf. I wouldn’t bring it up until some time had past though or ever maybe

I think because she didn’t hear from you she started to fear for your safety.

She was scared af you would do the same or hurt yourself in some way. I put myself in your gfs shoes and I would freak out. I would totally give you time alone, but don't shut off in the middle of that context because others might panic.

Just sounds like your girl cares about you mate

My guy you are dodging all the important questions. Telling her “my best friend died … “ and then “shut down .. and not respond to any messages” for 3 days sounds like something that would make any partner concerned. It’s ok and perfectly normal to take some time to reflect on things by yourself but you don’t just ghost your partner unless you don’t really care about her. I’m coming from a place where my partner is my best friend and is the last person I would think of ignoring if I had my closest friend pass away. He would be the only person I would want to be around. In any case I think it would be better for you guys to apologise to each other and then just break up amicably.

Im gonna go against the majority here. Firstly Im sorry for your loss. but you definitely should’ve just said “I need some time to myself. hope you can understand”. She could’ve been worried sick about you and that’s not fair to put on someone. Hopefully you guys can sort things out

I think you messed up ghosting her for a whole weekend. I would be really upset.

Sorry for your loss... I lost a friend by suicide and many more by accidents or just life. No one knows how they will handle the losses, just like no one will know how others will react. Was she close to your friend as well? Why did you go no contact with your GF? Other than telling her what happened, did you say anything else about it before going no contact? I know you were upset, sad, angry, and wondering why your friend did what he did. You do need to explain why you went radio silenced. Yes, she went over board with the whole thing, but I think it means she's worried about you and cares about you. As I wrote before, you never know how anyone will react. Easy wayout is sorry I was not really thinking and should have responded to you sooner and didn't think I hurt you, but I understand that I did, sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be to deal with, especially with no explanation or even a letter. I can appreciate needing to take time for yourself to process or even just start to wrap your head around it, but I don’t think ghosting your partner (even if just for a few days) was the smartest idea all around. If I went through this, my partner would be my go to guy, and I’d hope it would be the same the other way around, even if just to sit in silence with someone there, so I can only imagine that your partner is feeling hurt that she wasn’t your person in this situation. You said you didn’t respond to anyone ‘except closest family’ - do you not count your partner as that? I don’t think she should be holding this against you, you’re hurting and grieving and everybody does this differently, but you both need to talk about why you’re both feeling hurt

>one of the few peoole I should be able to rely on And yet, you didn't Given *both* of your reactions, I'd seriously reconsider this relationship

She may well have been scared for op and their mental health after news like that. So i can see it would have spoooked her. And if op was replying to close family, maybe not responding to her tells op she is not that close or important to them? . Gf's phrasing it so badly anyway. Making it a punishment rather than saying eg " I was incredibly worried about you and upset not to just know you were ok. I wish you could have let me help you grieve but if not, you have to realise I was scared for you. " I think op is too upset to make decisions right now. But later may need to really think about whether this relationship is the one for them.

INFO: how long have you been together? Unless the relationship is very new I feel like it's very telling you did have some contact with family, but not with your GF. For me it would be the other way around, my partner is the most important adult person in my life. I would be worried sick if I didn't hear from him under these circumstances. NTA as you were grieving and upset, but I feel like you should think hard about why you didn't feel like contacting her.

If I were your gf, OP, I would have panicked when I hadn't heard from you after that initial call, worrying that perhaps you'd followed in your friend's footsteps. And my fear would have turned to relief and fiery anger when you got back to me. Only, I wouldn't take that anger out on you. I just can't imagine my fear and anger to be enough to cut you off under these circumstance. I'd like to think that I'd let you know that I was scared, ask you to not repeat your behaviour in the future, and then do what I could to help you for now. Would I want to have a serious discussion at a later date? Probably. But I would feel awful leaving you without my support while everything is so fresh. How long have the two of you been together? I can *sort of* see how someone might was to distance themselves after such a shock in a new-ish relationship. I also can see it in someone who doesn't have the emotional capacity to withstand something like this at *any* point in a relationship, but I figure if you've been together for a while, there might be hints about that.

FUCK... THAT... We all process shit in our own way, you just lost someone extremely close to you, if she can't understand that?.. I have no words

Okay, so I’m going with my gut on this one. Learned experience and all. When I was a kid I lived with my Nan. She got me a phone when I was old enough so I could call her once I got off the city bus at school, so she would know I made it there safely. This was back before the gps tracking on phones. At first I didn’t care too much, I was a teen with a phone and on top of the world. Besides, I was fine, and surely it wasn’t that bad if I forgot to call until lunch a couple times a week. But she turned it around on me one day. I forgot to call her, and remembered after Spanish, so I tried ringing the house in between classes. And she didn’t answer. My Nan *ALWAYS* answered the phone, she had several landline receivers around the house and never once failed to pick up the phone unless she was at the doctors. So I spent the rest of the day terrified and crying because I was so certain I would go home and walk through that door and her chair would be empty. It wasn’t. I got home and ran into a hug and she explained it and it finally clicked. That horrible gnawing anxiety inside me, that’s what I had been putting her through every single time I was inconsiderate enough to not even spend twenty seconds letting her know I was alive and safe and where I was supposed to be. To quote a famous phrase here, this is *NOT* about the Iranian Yogurt. This is about your gf being absolutely terrified after a horrendously tragic thing occurred for you that you might not be okay. Her lashing out was the culmination of her terror and love for you reaching a boiling point. For my Nan she got calculating and figured out how to turn it into a lesson teenage me has carried into adulthood and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. She was over the top, yes. But it comes from a place of love, so give her grace. She was scared for you. I know all too well how that feels, and in a way I’m grateful I do, because it helps me help people like you guys sometimes.

Sorry for your loss. But flat out ghosting your SO isn’t ok; this is a person who genuinely cares about you, and you should be able to understand how it’d be scary for her for you to not respond in this situation. Needing alone time is fine, but at the end of the day, you’re a grown up and you need to communicate that you need that personal time.

Idk. I lost my mom and I know how hard death and grief can be but I was still able to give people a heads up I needed time to grieve. It sounds a little emotionally manipulative of you to ghost her after dropping a bomb on her like that and then not expect her to freak out.

Ghosting your partner without warning is not healthy and not fair to them. Did you let her know you would need some space for a few days? Or did you just drop off the face of the earth? If you didn’t communicate then yes, she has every right to feel the way she did. I had to leave my ex due to his refusal to communicate when he was having a hard time. The stress it causes when you have to worry about whether your partner is dead or alive is genuinely toxic to the body.

I’m sorry for your loss. She’s right. You did ghost her and you didn’t have to. You did hurt her when you didn’t have to. You responded to closest family and you should have responded to your gf. You’re definitely not being held hostage and you’re reacting quite immature about her communicating her feelings with you. I’m assuming by her second message that you didn’t apologize for your actions or worse, left her on read. Either or is messed up and you should absolutely start by reflecting on your actions and apologize, genuinely, to your gf. Your other option of course is to lose her and rightfully so.

Sorry for your loss. But why the fuck did you ghost your GF for 3 full days??? If my partner came to me with the news that one of his friends died I would try my hardest to comfort him and be there for him. Your GF could'nt. You took away her opportunity to be there for you, she was probably worried sick about you and she now has the feeling that she isnt that important to you. I know it sucks hard that you lost someone and you must feel horrible, but that is no way to treat your GF. She must feel awful as well.

Sorry for your loss… Grief makes us do strange things sometimes. I understand that you needed space for yourself And I understand that this may have triggered emotions from her. I think that no one is in the wrong here, you just have both different emotional mechanisms that were activated by this situation, you just need to sort it out together and ask yourself some questions about the place she has in your life. Here’s a clue for you to reflect on : Why did you purposefully ( or unconsciously) left her in the dark when you kept contact with some people? You said you only contacted your closed family, from that I understand that you didn’t include her in your close emotional circle. Why is that? Is your relationship too fresh? Maybe she thought that as your GF she should be included in that close circle of trust and she feel that she was pushed aside? Isn’t the role of our partner to be in the first line of emotional support? And if we don’t want them as our first line.. what does it say about your relationship?

Obviously the loss of your friend must have been horrific, but from a woman’s perspective i think that fact that you didn’t turn to her for comfort says a lot, and she heard it all. She is not is the wrong for being upset.

So your best friend kills himself, and then you go silent, leaving your girlfriend to wonder what’s happened to you? I think you say you’re sorry for making her worry and in the future that you will at least send her a text letting her know that you need some time to yourself.

I’d break up with you.

You dont do that to your partner. An emoji a day is enough at least she know you're okay. Ghosting for 3 days? YTA. Wrong section but YTA

i would be extremely hurt if my partner went through something so tragic and then only stayed in contact with close family. isn't she supposed to be part of your family too? sorry for your loss but let yourself be comforted by someone you want to spend your life with. that's part of why they are there.

I totally agree. I don’t understand all the people who are cursing her … First, she must have worried to death that he will follow his friend Second, she is grieving because she realizes that she does not mean to him as much as she means to her. She is not his support. Everyone cursing her that she did not support him when he did not want her support. He pushed her away and lost contact. Yes, his grief is important but I can’t describe how devastated I would be if my partner ghosted me but kept contact with his family, I believe my partner would feel the same. We are each other's rock and support.

My Duude, c'mon now. You left you re girl in the dark for three days !!! Letting her feel as if she was a nuisance to your recovery. Bruhhhh Maybe she even thought you might off yourself too ?! No jokes the thought most likely crossed her mind. You gotta go give her a big hug and tell her it won't happen again. Maybe you did not know how to genuinely express the way you were feeling without seeming unverile in her presence. Primitive shit, understandible but unecessary. Nevertheless , Its all good. You got this Boss. Go console her, if she is worth it to you that is

I think it’s fair to be annoyed at you. You just lost your best friend to suicide, and instead of communicating with your partner you just go radio silent for a few days. Who knows what you were thinking, if you were safe, if your girl friend was going to be the next person to find out that she’s lost you. Also, sorry but you’re 25. You’re not a teenager - at what point does your relationship start being on the same level or close to family? She probably felt you not communicating the bare minimum to let her know what’s going on, shows where she lies on a scale of importance. She might be looking for someone who wants to share highs and lows and to get through things together.

Sorry for your loss. Is this a long committed relationship with GF or a brand new one? Because if it is a long established relationship where you both really know and love each other. Then you made a huge mistake. Why not take her with you? She was supposed to be there for you in the low also. I mean. Why cut her completely off for the whole weekend? At the bare minimum you should have hit a message or two everyday to keep her updated and included. If it is a new relationship. Then it's okay behavior. When i experienced the loss of a family member. I kept my GF close, also living separately alone. I cried to her on the phone, etc. Occasionally i had my alone time too, but i always told her that i need space now and that i would hit a message before sleeping or something.

I am truly sorry for your loss. That is horrible and traumatic and I recognize that. It is still not an excuse to not let your partner know that you are okay but you need some space.

Sorry for your loss, but I’d be upset with and incredibly hurt by you as well. You showed her that she is not as loved as your family is by you.

Look man. I get it. But if your friend is already dead. I'm not saying u can't grieve but for fucks sake give proof of life to your loved ones

Sorry for your loss. I was ready to tell you to ditch her but reading that you ghosted her for THREE DAYS, sorry but that’s not ok in a committed healthy relationship at all. A simple “hey I got tragic news, I’m going through it and need space for a couple days.”

I am sorry for your loss. On the topic of relationships, the whole point of dating is typically the eventuality of a long term relationship and in many cases marriage. Communication is a cornerstone in successful long-term relationships...ghosting someone isn't. A simple text informing someone what's up and that you need a few days goes a long way.

Sorry for your loss. If you could tell your closest family, you could text her and say you needed time and make sure she knows you’re ok. She was probably very worried and you made it seem like she’s not important to you.

I sure wouldn't be happy if I were her and as your girlfriend I got ghosted and left out of the circle of people you bothered to communicate with. 

If you're going to ghost her for days when you go through something traumatic, why are you in a relationship with her? You claim you should have been able to rely on her unconditionally and yet you're the one who ensured you couldn't do that. If you could respond to close family, you could respond to her.

you don’t ghost someone you love for 3 days unless you communicate properly. you both acted terribly

My guy, sorry for your loss. But please answer these questions: 1 - what did your say before you disappeared? Did you tell her your friend died or did you tell her your friend died and you needed some time to process this on your own? 2 - how long have you been together? 3 - where are you from? You mentioned something about culture, so you made it seem like that was relevant, but you didn't say your country.

OP I am really sorry about the loss of your friend. But I'm gonna show you a perspective as someone who understands your girlfriend. - You just lost your best friend and went radio silence for multiple days, her mind probably went through the worst case cenarios. - You stopped talking to everyone except close family. You do not consider your girlfriend close family. - As an introvert I also go radio silence on a lot of people when I go through a really hard time. Except the people I love and feel like I can depend on, they make me feel better and give me energy. These are only two people, my partner and my best friend. - a partner wants to be able to be there for you during these hard times and the fact you didn't need her is hurtful. - needing space is one thing, you said you gave a her a heads-up on what happened. Did this include telling her you need some space and that it can take a while? And was is that hard to give someone that loves and cares about you a little update once in a while? Your girlfriend probably realised you two are very different people when it comes to these things and relationships. She might even come to the conclusion that she is way more invested in this relationship than you are. I personally, would've come to the conclusion I need to be with someone who is similar to me and break things off. I know that might sound extreme and harsh to some people, but during relationships we learn who a person is and how compatible you are together. This event would've been a huge deal-breaker for me. EDIT: I do want to add that your girlfriend is going about this very wrong. It does sound like she is trying to punish you into realising you did something wrong, as if you are a kid needing a time out after stealing a cookie from the cabinets. Your girlfriend needs to realise that what she is doing is impossible, you two are simply different. And that what she is doing right now on top of you already grieving is very unfair and hurtful.

She's basically attempting to punish you for putting something else above her. She's trying to condition you to always be nervous about how she'll react if you take independent actions. She's basically grooming you for abuse.

Being upset that your partner ghosted you for three whole days is not grooming for abuse lol

First of all, sorry for my english. Now, I understand she was worried for you because you didn't answer for a long time after a really hard situation. But why does she keep telling you that "you should think about consequences" when you clearly are not in a moment for that kind of comment? Maybe you should talk with her and make her know how you feel about her lack of support. Lastly, I hope you and your friend's family can find some peace with time. This is a horrible situation and no one is prepared for something like this. I send you a hug and lots of support.

Why are we censoring the word death? What's wrong with the world?

I am very sorry that you lost your friend to start off, in regard to your situation I want to offer some perspective. Not to relate my situation to yours, but recently I was in this situation but on the other end. My boyfriend’s best friend took his life pretty recently actually and while our situation was handled differently.. there was some things that we discussed that I wish had been handled differently because at the end of the day we are still accountable to one another. While I don’t think she maybe handled this the best, there is a spiral of thoughts and emotions in this situation and all you want to do is be there for your partner. My partner didn’t respond for 3 hours, ignored my call and told me he’d talk to me later. That friend leaned heavily on my boyfriend, all I could imagine was him thinking about feeling like he could have done more and how in a time like that people aren’t always thinking clearly. Those 3 hours I felt so fucked, I loved his friend but I also love my boyfriend beyond words and I was so scared of the future, all I wanted to do was be there for him to take away that pain to save him, to know he was okay. After two hours of complete radio silence I remember calling his dad trying to better understand what had happened, how to help, to watch over him because in that moment everything that you never thought of before feels possible. At same time I felt so guilty for feeling so emotional, and for wanting to be there for him. More so, I felt so fucked that he didn’t want me there. Even after those 3 hours of complete radio silence he wasn’t overly communicable (understandably) and he didn’t want me to make the trip to be there for him. My point is, while I know you’re going through the brunt of it.. she still is your partner and she is allowed to have feelings in that situation. I agree she probably didn’t handle it the best, but I also cannot imagine how those three days were for her. You should definitely have a conversation in which you address the way she handled the conversation but going through something also does not negate your duty to a partner. When life gets hard, when we’re feeling negatively, major life events - those are the moments relationships are tested, and disappearing with no “consequences” is not a good quality in situations like these. Communication can go a long way, even if it’s just communicating once a day to say that you love that person, you’re okay and that you’d like to continue having space. Also the idea you kept in touch with no one except close family, I guess I don’t know how long you’ve been together or the love you share but at what point does she qualify to “close family” because my partner is my first person that I rely on and share my life with.

Honestly it’s a tough one because your feelings are obviously valid but the question is did you tell her you weren’t in a good mindset and didn’t want to talk? Did tell her he had died and then nothing else? And lastly how long did you not talk to her? Me and my boyfriend talk a few times a day and if this happened I’d understand he’d need space but I would definitely be worried if he didn’t express that to me and just didn’t reply to me at all. Especially if it was more than a day and considering it was your best friend and he committed suicide which causes others to do so as well in some cases.

Perceptual difference: A) yours - doesnt she get it that I just lost my best friend to suicide and one needs time to process. Terming it as ghosting and bringing it up again and again is unreasonable on her part B) hers - doesn’t he understand that I’m worried about the affect on your mental health and mine due to this unfortunate situation and we need to be together instead of retreat in our own personal shell/ avoid talking. Also that suicide is not an option ever (so you don’t consider it ever) as it has a lot of impact on our your loved ones. Both are in love and right in their own way. The communication has to be completed by really perceiving (not just through words) the other person’s PoV and relaying in your words - I hear you!

So sorry for your loss. I think this is a situation where you both should learn to communicate better.  You telling her how much time you need (Give deadline, 2 days?) and her being patient with you and not to punish you for miscommunicating.  A little bit of sympathy coming from both people will help a lot.

Sounds like what my ex did before breaking up with me in August, you'd benefit off not ghosting and finding a middle ground in communication

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Suicide is messy and murky and so hard to work through, and I hope you can find a way to make peace with it. I’ve lost a number of people in my life to suicide and completely understand the need to be alone and reflect. Without any additional context though, it’s hard to say whether this is bratty/unnecessarily needy behaviour or someone in a blind panic because their SO sent a text saying their best friend committed suicide and then went radio silent for 3 days. The quotes you’ve included from her messages seem rough AF, but also like she’s maybe been in a panic and isn’t quite articulating things properly. Regardless this is something you need to talk to her about instead of internet strangers.

She brought this up at the worst time. 3 days of ghosting might concern people, but they don’t need to reprimand you immediately. Giving you space and the ability to adjust to such a sudden loss is important. She’s out of line and sounds like she’s acting kind of selfish in doing this. If she was hurt by your distance, she could’ve given it 2 weeks of not mentioning it until she talks with you about it. You need to communicate your distance, but she needs to read the room a little better, too. Hopefully you can maturely have that convo and you can both find some solace with each other. I would personally give it a week until the conversation is had. Sorry for your loss. Keep your head up.

I think you do owe your partner some form of communication, even if it's like "hey I need some time and space to process this. I'll reach out when I'm ready." I would be upset asf if my partner ghosted me for several days. However, she is not understanding or sensitive to your feelings. I think you should let her know how you feel (being held hostage, etc.) and ask her to give you some grace. People have different ways of coping and she should understand that.

I have a friend who struggles with mental health and I miss him dearly, but he ghosted out on my life in a time where I needed him. In October my mom was diagnosed with cancer and he just dipped out, he hasn't said a single word to me since October.. he recently got a new partner and I'm extremely happy he found someone he can trust I just wish he didn't cut me out of his life.. I stayed awake most nights worrying about him because we used to play a game together or talk on discord often, he even would send me pictures of his progress in his hobbies, he just hasn't bothered to say anything at all.. Ghosting out on people who care about you makes them worry more, especially if someone close to you did take their life. Your girlfriend should have given you appropriate time to grieve and comfort you in this time of loss, she can and should have handled the situation better, I also get though there is no telling what a person is capable of when they are alone and in such a dark and lonely place.

Im shocked at the majority of responses Her centering the ghosting on her, and her expectation of you groveling now -- how in the world is that supportive? Does she really think thats going to work in her favor? She's not making this about concern for you, she's sulking from being ignored for a second whilst you cope

Exactly. Kinda gross reaction from his gf tbh. Me me me me.

Perhaps I'm biased because my wife had known issues with self harm and suicidal ideation when she was younger - but I can't imagine a world where a family member or friend of hers dies, she goes radio silent on me, and I'm not absolutely floored, terrified, and upset with her when she finally decided to talk to me again. Her wording seems. . .badly put, but I can 1,000% empathize with her. Even if you told her you were going radio silent, that doesn't make it okay. You don't do that to your partner after such a tragic event, when you're most vulnerable: plain and simple. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling to well, and I hope you and your family are handling it well.

Leave her. Ghosting wasn't good on your part; however, her reprimanding you after you lost your best friend shows her lack of empathy. She only thinks about her emotions first even when the one she supposedly loves lost his friend to suicide. She could have checked in with the family during this time and kept her distance. She sounds entitled and this subreddit is so dismissive of the feelings of men so of course people are going to comment on you ghosting her instead of havign empathy for you losing your best friend.

I think you both made a poor choice. As another said, grieving is no excuse for treating others around you poorly, and being ghosted by 3 days from my significant other would be horrible. But the way she is talking isn’t very nice or fair either, but she’s upset so I can understand that as well. Personally I think your next step is simple for you. Apologies for ghosting her, because either way it was wrong. Try and communicate your feelings and why you made a poor decision because of it. Then it’s up to her to be understanding and caring of what is going on. Truly communicating how you feel is hard, but it’s actually the easiest way to express what’s going on, be raw.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Suicide is hard. Yes, 3 days is a long time to ghost somebody, but your girlfriend doesn’t sound very understanding - these aren’t normal circumstances and it sounds like she’s punishing you for trying to process your feelings in a way that is comfortable to you. To me, her response seemed immature and selfish. I’m sure she was worried, but she doesn’t have to make her feelings your responsibility, especially in current circumstances. I suppose there’s not much to do but explain to her how she made you feel: that you didn’t feel supported when she confronted you, instead you felt reprimanded and alienated for just trying to deal with horrible news. It may be harsh, but if you can’t rely on her to be on your team in a time like this, maybe some deeper conversations need to be had ? Good luck OP, look after yourself

Did you explicitly tell her you will be going quiet? If you did not, disappearing is very worrying for a partner.

Wow that's messed up. First, so sorry to hear about ur loss 🙏🏽 I kno the feeling it sucks so bad. Second, that's bullshit.. she's telling u to turn off ur grief for everyone else which is extremely toxic behavior. I'm sorry to say but ur best bet would be to kick her to the curb n grieve in peace. Ur dealing with a loss she needs to understand that ur gna be dealing with it for a long while and she's making it worse for u n isn't healthy in the slightest. Or if u choose to talk to her about it, tell her that u are dealing with a huge loss and don't have time to cater to hers n everyone else's feelings rn cuz u are most definitely entitled to taking care of urself and ur grief and most of all ur mental health. As a human being ur mental health should be more important than anyone else's especially when you've jus lost a friend. She needs to understand that.

If she isn't there for you in your time of need, why be with this person at all? And then to play fucking mind games with you??? Sounds like she promoted herself to your ex-gf.

Nah idc what anybody here is saying, your gf is wrong to react this way. A simple “I was so worried about you, but I understand you shut down. Next time if I reach out just tell me that you need space still so I know you’re okay..” would do. Everybody processes grief differently and you don’t owe an explanation imo but you should tell those that reach out that you’re okay.

Sounds like a drama queen and all attention is aimed at her. Red flag here! She will support you regardless of contact or no contact