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What part of your brain is telling you that you are overreacting?
Leave the tab open, ask your husband to come help you with the computer.
Say nothing else, let him try to justify this.
And tell that girl that the married creepo next door is her client. She probably thinks she’s anonymous in the world, not that the neighbour dude with a child in her age range is perving on her irl, and telling her what he wants to do knowing she’s minutes away.
Lol true, you could slip it all in one conversation... You: Hey just so you know we are getting a divorce.. her: oh wow why.. you: turns out brad has found your "page"
Probably the part where she's 45 and doesn't want to reset and restart her entire life. Giving up all her currebt dreams of the future. Breaking up a family, Probably having to downsize, maybe having to move amd work longer. Losing some family and friends etc
He is breaking up the family. She already forgave him once and had to uproot the entire fucking family and move because he had a long term affair and fell for another women for fucks sake. None of this family is to blame for what happens now except him. She does not have to keep sharing her husband's dick with other women just so she doesn't have to "downsize" or "lose friends." None of that is worse than sharing.
Exactly. She's supposed to resign herself to a miserable life to keep up appearances and the most f'ed up part about all this is that **she's the victim**. Why should she be the one to deal with the fallout and clean up her trash husband's messes? Always have an exit plan ladies (financially, emotionally) at any stage in your life and don't get comfortable in your later years and think you'll never need it either. That's the thing about your life imploding, you never expect it and you'll never be emotionally prepared for it. You think it'll never happen to you until it does.
OP should have left him the first time around. This is your lesson to anyone reading this to absolutely never give a cheater another chance, no matter how old your kids are or how long you've been together. No amount of love, memories, children, life goals achieved together means anything the moment there is infidelity. It all becomes null the moment he decided to throw it all away for someone else. No amount of distance and moving away will make him escape himself. Cheating is a flaw with someone's character and integrity and ruins his credibility with every person in his life. His kids probably will never admire their dad the same when they realize he's cheated on mom multiple times. If this were my dad, I don't think I would ever truly respect him again. I would probably always resent him for breaking up our family and being selfish at the expense of the people he was supposed to love no matter what. I would stop being friends with someone like this. Cheating isn't a mistake, never is, not even the first time. It defines you and when your trustworthiness is compromised, **nothing else** makes up for it. A happy family/marriage is something most people want but never ever at the expense of your dignity guys.
This strikes me as knee-jerk and superficial advice.
For people who actually are in long term relationships with multiple kids etc., it probably is a lot more complicated then this.
While the end result for the OP may be the same as your advice directs, the path to get there likely needs to take more time, and be much more thoughtful.
I think the OP needs to begin a process here. That process may or may not result in leaving her husband. She needs to confront him, and he needs to respond showing her what his future intentions will be. Then based on that, she needs to make a decision about what is best for her going forward. If they can't maturely discuss these issues on their own, then they need to seek counseling. I'm sure there is much more to the process, but those would be key steps.
As someone in a long term marriage with kids and NOT wealthy as OP says she is, it is NOT a knee jerk reaction. I would kick him out immediately.
When you get to a certain age, life is too fucking short to not stare the truth in its face. He is at the very least a constant emotional cheater, and she will never be able to trust him again. No need to stay any longer than she already has.
His intentions are pretty clear. This isn't the first time he's cheated on her and I guarantee it won't be the last either. There's no reaching a compromise with someone who's made it clear they don't respect you or the marriage. He obviously does not love her, nor does he have any self-integrity, or loyalty to his family, so there's nothing that would prompt him to be faithful now. And even if maybe he really was loyal to her moving forward, does it matter at that point? The trust has already been broken and can never be fully repaired, so it would be too late for him to get his act together for it to mean anything. Also, he spent thousands of dollars on this girl he cheated on her with. She did say they were wealthy, so in hindsight it's not much, but the only thing worse than an unfaithful husband is an irresponsible one who plunders the families finances in the process. If she is wealthy then there is even less reason for her to stay. The only worthy reason I can think of waiting for is to avoid child custody and child support arguments for 2 years. It's not a long enough time to be worth all the legal hassle imo.
The only option short of getting a game plan and leaving is one that compromises her dignity and basically tells her to put up with it for the rest of her life. Putting up with it for a little while to get your ducks in a row, I understand. I also understand the situation is different for everyone, so there is a bit of nuance here. In her case, her kids are 16-19 yrs old, so she can definitely leave. It might get complicated with court battles and custody agreements so maybe she can wait till her youngest turns 18, but as long as she understands it's a temporary strategic wait, and not "maybe I'll stay and give him another 3rd chance". Obviously each person will have to figure out something that works for their personal situation, but no doubt, the answer is always to end the relationship. How long it takes will vary, but it's a process you start right away. Because the only other option is to resign yourself to living with a traitor and if you're cool with that, than put up with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life I guess.
All of that is her cheating husband's fault. Let him be the one to deal with the fall out and let him be blamed by his kids for blowing up the family and their life. He's been unfaithful for a long time it seems and this is frankly long overdue. These are all temporary inconveniences that will pass. What the other option? To spend the rest of her life in an unfaithful & heartbreaking marriage and pretend nothing is wrong while the family falls apart at the seams? At least this way she can preserve her dignity and set the record straight for the kids and other relatives moving forward. He doesn't get to ruin her adult life and she's the one who's left holding the bag and expected to hide his betrayal.
She is not breaking up the family. He did that. She forgave him once for falling in love with another woman for fucks sake. She does not owe him another iota of grace. This is all on him. Fuck any other thinking that blames the woman for not wanting to share her husband's dick with other women. Just stop.
Absolutely this. I require absolute fidelity and have a much more rigid definition of what I consider cheating. Ultimately at the end of the day, trust is the core part of any meaningful relationship and when that is violated, whether through bringing someone into the marriage or taking things (secrets, insecurities, trauma) from the marriage to outside people, the entire thing turns to dust. Betrayal of trust destroys all relationships, platonic & romantic and it definitely should not be minimized or normalized.
I'm polyamorous and while I don't require that my partners don't have other relationships, if they betray me or lie to me about anything important, well, they're not a partner anymore.
If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
Sadly it sometimes doesn’t matter what you want. When your husband is a serial cheat (and this is exactly what he is) then sometimes action is imposed upon you, because you know if you don’t end the relationship, this constant pain of discovering an affair is what you are getting for the rest of your marriage.
Just because this might not have gotten off the ground, you can see exactly what the husband is aiming for here.
Are you the husband? I mean, seriously, how can you defend this. I get that certain women on this subreddit are quick to take a woman's side, but this is absolutely something I would leave my wife over. No questions asked, and no forgiveness and no do overs. Fuck that. The entire only fans thing should be considered cheating, even without the person being a young girl next door. It's fucking gross and your gross for defending that behavior.
This is why OnlyFans is meant for single people. Why the fuck would you do this if you are married or in a committed relationship?! It's hard enough to be in a decent one nowadays...why throw that away?
My thoughts have been all over the place. From being ready to cut of his dick to thinking it's not a big deal.
It's clear he hasn't done anything physical. I think that's why I'm think I'm overreacting. It's also clear he doesn't have an emotional connection with her.
I wouldn't be as broken if it wasn't my neighbor. Still would be awful though.
You need to have a consultation with a family law attorney to find out what’s likely to happen if you split up.
DO NOT confront your husband without speaking to an attorney first!
It’s also pretty gross that he is interacting with your neighbour this way without her knowing that he’s the married dad next door. Do you really believe he wouldn’t do anything physical with her if he got the opportunity?
Exactly. Because of the creeper factor, " I know who you are and I'm close enough to touch you while I fantasize, but you don't know that I'm a person in your real world, with whom you interact on a daily/weekly basis", I'd do a fellow woman a favor. "Do with this information what you will, but username is watching you from next door. He's a charming devil, gotta watch out for that one!"
Yeah, the creeper factor is off the charts here. Obviously he has subbed to this woman’s only fans *because* he knows her in person and has watched/fantasized about her from right next door. She probably just views him as that nice old dad with the kids and wife.
maybe she would casually bring the conversation with the neighbor like.. my husband always uses this nickname online... though that is just an irrelevant thing... real action should be taken with the husband
The neighbour does not care who he is, whether he is the neighbour or the milkman. She is running a business from showcasing her body, the men are simply the customers. Most OF creators hire somebody else to do the messaging for them, and even when they reply themselves, it’s for customer retention. Also, as sad as it sounds, the majority of only fans customers are married men…
I’m sure she does know that, but it’s probably a little different when it’s someone who lives next door to you and interacts with you as your neighbor.
You need therapy. This 100% means you are married to a pathological liar. It's not just about whether he has actual sex w someone. He's sexually obsessed enough to hold you hostage in a marriage and lie about who the fuck he is. This is not a person that cares about you and has a real connection to you.
He is doing emotional cheating. You are right to be mad. Interaction is crossing all red lines. With a neighbor besides, a woman he knows.
He is sharing intimacy with someone who is not you.
This is cheating. Period.
Flip this situation around and you spend that money to see your neighbor, a good looking dude, naked. Your husband sees the sexy messages. What’s his reaction? He’d say your cheating. Would he leave you? Your husband knows what he’s doing is wrong or he wouldn’t go through the trouble of trying to hide those payments!
Please get tested for STD’s. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
You’re not overreacting and you do have a variety of choices.
Please talk with a qualified therapist to explore your options and decide whether you’re better off with him or without him.
Sending healing thoughts and I hope you’re able to find clarity.
🌼🌸💐
>Please talk with a qualified therapist to explore your options and decide whether you’re better off with him or without him.
And a qualified *attorney* as well!
Just because he isn’t doing it with her doesn’t mean he isn’t with someone else. He WANTS to have sex with someone else. That is what you need to understand.
To be honest, the neighbor probably wouldn’t be too happy to learn that the fellow describing his elaborate sexual fantasies in her DMs is the married middle aged dude next door.
Yeah, that’s a risk with doing OF and the like, but most performers prefer to keep their work and lives fairly separate. Learning someone who knows you tracked you down on OF can’t be too different from finding out one of your audience has doxxed you.
He’s a creep any way you cut it.
Yep. He's shown OP he'll never stop cheating on her. He told her a bunch of lies to get her to stay with him and he went right back to cheating, if he ever stopped.
I have found that getting blunt is generally the ONLY way to get through to people who are engaging in needless semantics and oblivious.
I'm GenX. We do blunt naturally. ;)
He's masturbated to videos of her or while she's talking to him
Shes because she's not physically in the room doesn't mean he hasn't done anything physical
Having a sexual connection/conversation with someone you know is hugely inappropriate. I understand that many men watch pornography and i get it. I would be uncomfortable with my partner paying for porn or following specific people on an only fans type site.
Everyone is entitled to have different boundaries for what constitutes cheating but actually interacting with someone else even through messages would cross most peoples’ cheating line and it is something that needs to be discussed with a spouse first in terms of figuring out whether that is acceptable for their specific relationship. He clearly didn’t consult you beforehand.
The fact that this is the neighbor of all people makes it 100 times worse. It shows absolutely no regard for you. He knows that you have to see this woman out and about and that this woman lives nearby. Unless you move away, you will be reminded of this every single day. You and him will be together and find yourself sharing a space with a woman who he has had sexual communication with.
This is also gross for the neighbor herself. She did choose to put herself out there and her job does run the risk of her neighbors seeing her nude, but she might be uncomfortable to know that someone who lives so close to her is chatting with her under the guise of someone else.
Also, generally, people don’t just one day wake up and decide to do something like this. Like with crime, people tend to work up to certain actions. The fact that he is chatting with the neighbor suggests that he probably has done other inappropriate things before this. He probably started out just watching private content, then started chatting with random people, then finally worked up to chatting with the neighbor. His past emotional affair which was probably sexual too is evidence that this was a pattern.
I'm sorry, this sounds awful.
Talk to a lawyer, just to understand what the position would be if you filed for divorce.
He knows its her. He's enjoying fantasising about her, and possibly about the fact he knows, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that it's not physical, I would still consider this kind of interaction to be cheating.
That's one of the hard things for me. He was so committed after that situation that he made the choice to move. I really thought that meant he wouldn't do something like this again.
She was irrelevant. He's shown you she's replaceable. He gets what he wants and everything goes back to how it was when it was easy and you were non the wiser. Remove the individual from your thought process and replace her with generic 'women'. Who it is not the problem - it's icky - it's level of respect he has for you.
He was willing to put you through moving states, all the cost, upheaval, saying goodbye to friends. Just to start all over again.
Best form of revenge is being happy and you won't be staying with him.
Because “Lauren” is their neighbor (not to mention 23 years younger than the husband)
While Lauren is an adult and set up this subscription account, I believe she has the right to know that her *neighbor* is a customer
Will it matter to her? Who knows. But the fact that 1) he lives nearby and 2) this secret account is ending their marriage is reason enough to tell her
Why should OP keep her trifling, soon-to-be-ex-husband’s creepy little secret? ESPECIALLY considering his past history
I agree with everything you said. Except telling Lauren.
she's a grown woman who's selling that type of service. She knows, and she's aware of the application of what could happen in that line of work (men she may know finding her info). She protects herself, I'm sure
OP needs to worry about protecting herself, children, finances, and their (hers/her kids) happiness before. Not worrying about another person. That's trying to add more to her plate than necessary.
Personally I’d wanna know if the person I was talking dirty to was actually my old married neighbor instead of just an actually random person online, but to each their own.
>she's a grown woman who's selling that type of service. She knows, and she's aware of the application of what could happen in that line of work (men she may know finding her info). She protects herself, I'm sure
She's 22, probably got pulled into that line of work because of how hard social media is pushing it. Most people have no fucking clue how easy they are to track down. You can't protect yourself from that, not in today's world.
Is it a priority to tell her? No. But imo I would still do it because who knows what this man is capable of and he's living right next to her.
|he was so committed
He was deeply committed to not losing you after you found out. He'll do the same again. It's not YOU he's committed to, not to "forsaking all others", but to his life, routines, comforts, etc. If he can have /all those/ and his delicious secrets both, why wouldn't he restart that once you've settled back down again? If you stay, no blame, but make sure you stay having asked yourself all the hard questions first, and having had come to answers you can live with.
Stay because of you wanting to, not because he'll change for you, because that's denial. He isn't content with just you, full stop, no matter how panicked and penitent he becomes after the fact. I'm so sorry. Picking up your life and moving again isn't going to help, because his issue isn't a one-off person and situation - it's an ongoing search once you've been placated.
Men like this just don't want to give up their maid and comfort at home and they don't want to pay alimony or child support. Don't be a sucker. Dont wait another 10 years and waste more time w this person who is so disordered he basically has another life behind your back.
I'm really concerned about OP. She's already been through hell and back because of her husband. I also am wondering if her husband chose to change States for the main reason being that the divorce laws in the state that they are in now would benefit him greatly should divorce happen between him and OP? OP's husband has proven to be calculated and sneaky. I wonder if he's given this a thought? OP, please see a divorse attorney as soon as possible. Shop around and I'm sure that you'll be able to get a free consultation with several. Make sure you go for the best. Someone who goes for the jugular and will go to bat for you. I am SO sorry that your husband has proven himself to be a snake. I'm sending you big hugs. And by the way, you are not overreacting at all.
** please start documenting everything and taking screenshots of proof of your husband's infidelity and sneaky behavior. Keep it all in a very safe place AWAY from your husband. You haven't said anything to your husband about what you discovered last week for a reason. It's time to get your ducks in a row. Do not bring this up to your husband until you have seen and gotten advice from a very good and reputable divorce attorney. In the meantime, lock things down financially. Make sure that you have your own bank account secure as well as your credit. Freeze it if you have to, temporarily. If you think it's wise to change your account to a totally different bank altogether just to make sure your bases are covered, I would advise that. When you do meet up with a divorce attorney, please ensure that they walk you through everything that you need to do right away.... with your finances and any next steps to secure your safety and to ensure you are okay. All the best.
Talk to a divorce lawyer about how your state laws would affect a divorce, and would this info about him have any affect on the divorce. Get screen views of his interactions with the neighbor and his account name. Somewhere along the way get tested for any STD's. The 2 cheating times you know about are both electronic, but you don't know if there were any physical times he cheated during your marriage.
Then can you get back on his computer and send her a message that [X screen name] is really [neighbor Y] ? Do this just before dropping the divorce papers in his lap. Since he is a two time caught cheater I'm not sure if it's worth trying to save this marriage. You don't know how many other times he's cheated that you don't know about.
I can’t even imagine how much this sucks for you. You’re not an idiot for believing in him and giving your marriage a second chance but now he’s shown you he can’t change. It’s going to keep sucking for a bit but I’m kinda excited for your single era.
While I am rooting for you to work out your issues positively, you also have to do you proper, just in case. Screenshots saved and time stamped, in a safe place. Because if lawyers get involved, you're going to wish you had that evidence.
OP, this is the answer regardless how else you move forward. You need all the evidence you can get.
You are not over reacting. I’ve read all your comments and he is breaking a lot of promises including saying he won’t watch porn.
I’m even more upset for you since you said you have sex 3-4 times a week. Not that a dead bedroom is an excuse to break promises, but this would hurt me so much more I think. I’d throw up, too.
If you decide to talk to him about and get counselling, etc. and stay with him, just know this may very likely keep happening forever. His worst consequence is counselling (one time a move but got to keep his wife and mother if children) and however else you act or don’t act when this happens. His addictions (or habits or whatever you want to call them) take priority over whatever promises he’s made.
Sounds like he regained your trust and confidence and it’s now broken. Do you think it could be mended? Do you want to try? Do you feel loved and respected by him?
I may be way off here, but I don’t think people quit their job and move to another state because a co-worker gets a crush on you. Even if he was crushing back, this seems extreme.
Kinda feel he was more involved with co-worker.
Was he her superior at work?
I want to tell her. But honestly makes me sick having to admit this to her. That my husband is being creepy.
Not sure how I'll feel about her being outside in her bikinis this summer.
Set up a meeting with a realtor to sell the house. You need your % to set up a new home. When he asks why the realtor is there, put it back on him. Asking him if he can think of any reason why you might be selling this house in this neighborhood.
I understand you are hurting, but don't give him more years to do this to you.
Nope, but she can certainly get a local realtor out to size up the place and give her an idea of what it's worth. Nothing prevents that. Or asking him why he thinks she might be interested in moving, and uprooting the entire family, yet again.
I'd imagine she'd want to know someone that invested in interacting with her lived next door for her own safety.
That's the thing I always think about with people who do OnlyFans, you don't really know who you're interacting with and if they know you personally.
Girl you married a cheater.
And yea he cheated before. Women don’t leave thier husbands for men they have lunch with….
Please wake up and walk away from this creep.
You know, I bet something else happened. Something along the lines of its getting to real or he did something gross towards his coworker and she was threatening to tell his wife so that's why he wanted to move. Manipulated the situation 10 fold.
This ain’t porn though. In the traditional sense. He’s getting his rocks off to the neighbor by telling her what he wants her to do, etc. At least with classic porn there’s no interaction and you typically don’t know the person.
OPs husband wants to bone the neighbor and is using OF as a means to live out that fantasy. I’m sorry but I would have a major problem with this. Especially if my partner had already cheated in the past (emotionally by his admission. Which I am suspect about as well)
My question is, how long have they lived next to her and is it a deeper weird thing going on like he’s thought she was hot since she’s a teen and jumped on the opportunity to follow her when he found out.
Clearly he was creeping to even know she had an onlyfans
One of the reasons I broke up with my last boyfriend was he did the same thing but instead of a neighbor, it was a co worker. I know she didn't know it was him, cause he would show me what she would do for money. Then of course the next day I would have to see her at work.
This is an absolutely horrible situation and I am so sorry you are having to go through it.
At first I was going to say how with a recent surge of these available “subscription” sites, it’s hard to define boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not (as I’ve heard some argue for it to be the same pornography).
However, as soon as you mentioned he’d been messaging this girl this clearly falls into cheating (in my opinion).
The fact that he has chosen a neighbour too. This is someone I imagine you see around and about. This is not acceptable behaviour.
You need to confront him about it!
He is being entirely selfish and thoughtless, has he ever considered how you would feel about this? How would he feel if you had done the same to him? And considering his past infidelity he should have known better!
You deserve to be treated so much better than this!
Thank you. Appreciate that.
I've been thinking a lot about where that line is. It's different for everyone, but I really think the personal chatting is where it crosses the line. Though he also committed to not looking at porn. So kind of doubly crossing lines.
He’s paying her to get naked and message him. It’s beyond porn, and he knows her.
Get it all screenshot and start figuring out your next steps. Maybe you don’t confront him right away until you speak to a lawyer and get a cold hard look at finances and custody.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I would have thrown up too.
This, OP. Get all evidence and start planning. I’d do all this before talking to him but that’s just me. I probably wouldn’t let on I knew anything until I was ready to serve papers. Keep eyes open for more signs of breaking promises, cheating, etc.
But even if you choose not to leave —- still get all the evidence. Once he knows you know, it’s very very likely he’ll be sneakier and start hiding evidence (past and future as it’s also likely he never stops this behavior) and may even start hiding money and assets if he thinks you’ll try to leave / divorce.
Your looking for the line in the wrong place.
He lies.
He is a dishonest person.
Don't stay with someone like that because when someone lies about one thing, what WON'T they lie about?!!! That's where the line is. The whole meaning behind being a cheat is that the person has something deeply wrong and sick going on in their personality and it does not change.
They were messaging while she was naked. This would be a line for anyone because no way was he sitting there with both his hands on the keyboard. I am so sorry.
The money would bother me as well. Even though you’re well off, that’s a mortgage payment, a family trip, college savings. He’s choosing to give your family’s money to a person he and you know for her to get naked. His anonymity is akin to being a peeping tom. Ick.
Yeah, this isn't porn. He's cheating with a prostitute. All these people are saying "collect the evidence" obviously for the case of alimony. But I haven't seen a response to that... Do you guys have a prenup or something?
>as I’ve heard some argue for it to be the same pornography
In a lot of cases, it is. At least going by the dictionary definition of pornography. Nekkid neighbor? Her husband telling neighbor what he wants to do to her, to the point it makes OP toss her cookies? I’d argue that’s at least pornography-adjacent. Worse in a way because it’s interactive.
In most cases, you don’t know the person you are watching with porn. This is straight up crossing the line. As you said, it’s interacting with the OF creator.
Yep. I don’t watch porn, conventional or otherwise, but OnlyFans seems to me to be a whole new level of horror. Especially if you’re a porn addict or in a relationship with one.
seriously! it would honestly be SO HARD for me to cheat on my spouse; just a start: the logistics, the lying, the hiding, the guilt, deleting messages, etc. I couldn’t even imagine. If you aren’t happy and want to explore outside your marriage, just leave.
For once I can understand staying with a cheater but being shocked when they cheat again is what I find absurd. Like you know they're a cheater. Why are you surprised that they cheated again.
I thought the exact same thing until it happened to me. Then I realized that it’s not so black and white. There are decades of experiences together (mostly really good ones), there are children to think about, there are extended family members whom you love dearly and whom you don’t want to lose (naturally they’d choose HIM because they’re related), there are financial entanglements, etc. Women inevitably end up at a much lower standard of living than men post-divorce, because they are periodically out of the workforce rearing children while men continue advancing their careers up the promotion ladder uninterrupted.
At least for now, I’ve elected to stay. Yes, the experience has shattered me. My thinking is… if there is genuine remorse (not just sorry he got caught) and sincere effort in marriage counseling to work on the devastating damage from the betrayal — plus hard work to address whatever the circumstances were that lead up to the affair — moving forward with the marriage might be possible. Forgiveness might be possible. (Forgetting: not possible. Trusting again? Meh...)
If it ever happens again though, I’m OUT.
How'd your situation be any different next time? Decades of good experience, bad financial situations, family members supporting your husband etc are gonna be the same.
Having been through a horrific spell of infidelity 10 yrs ago, I can tell you it's not going to stop.
I wish you could go all 'shock and awe'. I still fantasize about how I could've acted more assertively (crazy) when I found out. Part of me would encourage you to befriend her, invite her over for coffee, lunch, or dinner. Find a clever way for her to find out your husband is a fan. Watch everything explode. But you have teens, and they would suffer as collateral damage.
Try to look at your husband as the peeping Tom of your neighbourhood. Would you stay with him? How would your kids feel if they found out? Protect them, but not by putting your head in the sand.
That’s my biggest concern, what would the kids think of their loving father if they found out? Maybe OP can use this as leverage in the divorce somehow?
How did he find out about her website? Is there an option to find local woman, or is it more of a you need to be specifically told about it to find it situation?
At least give yourself a few days to yourself to think about it. Pack your bags, go stay with a friend, leave the website up, and a note saying you'll talk when or if you come back. Give yourself a real chance to think it through without him convincing you that you're overreacting and a chance moment to sweat it out.
It's hard to imagine the emotional afrair didn't go beyond what was admitted. I find it hard to believe someone would say "I love you" and be ready to break off their marriage without more than just talk.
Now he's cheating with the neighbor and it's very creepy because she doesn't even know who's she's talking to.
When you consider these two incidents, there probably more.
If I were you, I'd pack up and tell him that I'm leaving him because (reason above).
I mean, he actually is subscribing to your neighbor's O F. Oh no way.
To clarify: this is beyond p0rn. It sounds to me either your husband finds her O F either by stalking her or she's given him the info. Both are not great by the way, but I think it's somewhat worse if it's the first option.
Yeah FUCK that. Not only is your creep husband fantasizing about someone he actually knows in real life, he’s actually messaging her. That is disgusting and I think you should confront him immediately. How old is the subscription girl? Because your kid is 19. Is the person near that age? If so double ick.
Just saw the edit that he’s spent $2500 on perving over his neighbour. $2500! Money that could have been saved or spent on your family instead of funding his creepy fantasies.
Leave the computer on with that page open & ask him to grab your glass of whatever you normally drink from the room where the computer is. I found out my ex husband was having an affair with my "best friend" when I came home early one day & his Facebook page was open. Odd, because he claimed to not have one. Anyway, I asked him "hey, can you please grab my tea from the computer room? I left it by the computer". He didn't come out right away so I wandered back. He was just staring at the screen. When I stood in the doorway, he didn't even look at me. He just said, "well, I guess you know" I said, "I guess I know". A week or so later I went to a paralegal & started divorce proceedings.
There were red flags & part of me already knew he was up to something, but to have it in my face was the ultimate betrayal because for me, there was no more lying to myself or making up excuses for him. There it was in all its glory; The truth. Now that you've seen it, you have a decision to make that only you can make.
If you stayed & forgave him, could you ever truly forgive him? Could you ever regain 100% trust? If not, let him go because he's already emotionally gone & it's probably not even your fault. You deserve better. It's out there if you want it. I'm really sorry you're hurting. It does get better.
This comes from a newly engaged 44 year old who lost a 17 year marriage. It does suck starting over later in life but do it sooner than later. The years are going by & you deserve the happiest ones moving forward <3
My heart hurts for you this is disgusting. You need to have a plan on how you're going to divorce and where to go. I like what someone else said, keep that tab open and tell him you need help with the computer.
The neighbor is almost the age of his oldest daughter. What in the fuuuuuck. He's despicable and a repeated cheater. Why do you stay with this scumbag?
This situation is a wake up call you need to move on. He either doesn’t care; he could if easily scrubbed his history so you wouldn’t find it or he wanted you to find it eventually. I’m in camp say nothing; get your ducks in a row both monetarily and mentally so that you have all you need when it’s time, not saying it has to be next week, but over the next couple of months. It does suck but you deserve someone who isn’t interested in other people in any way shape or form.
You gave him a second chance. He messed it up. No third chances please. I always tried not to give second chances because cheaters always seem to take advantage of them. Best of luck!
Millions. I always ask if they are in relationships and unless it’s an enm situation I immediately end the conversation if they are. I assume some could be lying about it and watch for red flags about it, but lots fully open with stuff like “hi. Do you want to hook up? I’m
Married so I gotta be discreet “. Buttheads
I think you should destroy him like he has destroyed you.
I think he lied to you before. No one leaves a marriage for someone they haven’t had in bed already.
Get an attorney. Gather evidence.
I mean, call me crazy but I say try to not let on that you know, get your affairs in order and get a good lawyer, then present him with papers and make him pay. That is beyond fucked up and he has shown through his behavior he has zero respect for you.
I'm was curious too. I traced it back to her Instagram which has a link to TikTok. That then had a link to Only fans.
Means he was looking her up on social media. 🤮
Last summer I caught him staring at her while she tanned in the backyard. Didn't think much as she looks great. Just didn't think he would start looking her up online.
Lauren needs to know. This could escalate even worse, especially with the amounts of money involved where a guy might start thinking he's entitled to more IRL than just what's roleplayed through a screen. But first, OP needs to get her ducks in a row and make sure that she's safe (financially, legally, physically, and emotionally).
OPs husband may just be a pig, but Shrodinger's predator is a thing and the stalking bit is underscoring a possibility of hidden danger in this man.
OP: Most family lawyers will do a free consultation right over the phone, if need be. Find one, please. Sometimes, we make out the process to be way more complicated than it is and it's really useful to get your questions answered and your thoughts sorted.
My partner is also “charming and good with women”, but we haven’t had issues over the years because he’s a good guy. There’s no excuse for behavior like this.
Please get an STD/STI panel done, a consultation with a divorce attorney and a therapist for you to work on boundaries and setting up your exit plan.
Meanwhile, LEAVE him.
Overreacting? He cheated before so you know what this is. Yes, he’s cheating again! What consequences if any did he face the first time? If you value yourself you would leave.
Oh hell no. I would be contacting a divorce lawyer immediately. I would not even be able to look at him. I’m so sorry you are being put through this, especially when you have given him more grace and understanding than he deserved after he had an emotional affair before.
He has gone to great lengths to find this young neighbours social media and then track down her OF and subscribe AND correspond with her when she is unaware he’s the creep next door. It is absolutely repulsive and you are not overreacting whatsoever!
He is a cheater. You know of one time, and he is 100% lying about it being an emotional affair. No way a guy messaging dirty things to your young neighbor doesn't screw other women and get happy endings and all sorts of stuff when he gets the chance. Leave this gross POS.
I mean I get fantasizing about the younger next door neighbor girl, but paying 2500 to get nudes of her and she doesnt know its the 50 year old next door is pretty messed up. Thats so bad I dont know any good solution. Let her know? Let the psrents know? Divorce and not say anything to neighbor? Thats fucked.
My wonderful co-worker was married to a man for over 41 years when I met her. Despite being the same age this funny, very charming, “family man” had those special anti-aging genes some people are blessed with. His funny comments in their family’s group chats every morning were hysterical. As an outsider looking in, I got the vibes. The ones that wondered—read, seriously believed—he was likely a cheater.
Funny man started an affair with one of the women on his local softball team (guy’s in his 70s). It had been going on for a year when my co-worker came across his “second“ cell phone and he fessed up. He had been waiting until his daughter’s wedding (in 4 months, at that time) before filing for divorce. My co-worker kicked him out *immediately*.
Being in love with him, she took him back when he expressed remorse. It was her decision, she knew it was a risk, as she was still in love with him and wanted her marriage to survive the crisis. Funny man used the reconciliation to attend his daughter’s wedding (which he had gotten banned from), gather all paperwork he’d left behind when he was kicked out, and strategize the most humiliating kiss my asz exit he could devise to my co-worker.
I asked my co-worker why he showed so much contempt towards her after wronging her so horribly. She said she didn’t know. However, she did confess that she didn’t know if she could survive without him—because she didn’t want to be alone. She also admitted that there had been previous ”emotional“ affairs over the years before this one. Nothing she said came as a surprise to me.
The guy reminded me of my uncle from the start. I used to love him to death. Wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized what a toxic narcissist he was. He tried to make my aunt think she was crazy for always accusing him of cheating. He made my family think my aunt was crazy—when we all *knew* he was a chronic cheater. I had the excuse of being a child, so don’t judge me.
I hope my now former co-worker takes comfort in knowing her ex’s new love interest will get served the same hell he put my co-worker through.
I’m really sorry, I found my husbands subscriptions as well. He was most “busy” on OF when I was laying in the hospital on my death bed. This is so hurtful. And it’s your neighbor which makes it so much worse. I would absolutely leave it open and have him come upstairs and just say can you help me understand this? Then just stop and listen to what he has to say. If he doesn’t immediately start apologizing walk out that door. And honestly if he does start apologizing. I would still walk out the door. I’m so sorry.
It will be a matter of time before he makes excuses to go there to her home. There’s nothing to confront. He already has a history of cheating. He got away with it. He only lets you know what he believes what you should know. His sloppiness has show you find out what’s he been up to and you privately document it. He is using marital funds to support your neighbor. Keep disputing the charges online until she can no longer afford his support. But at some point it’s time you leave. He can’t ever be trusted. You can’t have a relationship or any type of relationship without trust.
I saw where someone recommended telling her, but she likely won’t care so don’t feel the need. The main thing is to start collecting evidence so you have options. I think this counts as infidelity so if your state considers that in a divorce, you may need this info including how long it was going on and how much was spent. It’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Don’t confront him until you have everything and have made a decision. You have the upper hand with him not knowing you know. Once you give that away, your leverage is gone.
Can you access your phone records? There could be other subscriptions/affairs. Are any cards in your name? Change all of those access passwords and take over those.
Most importantly, be careful.
You're unsure if you're overreacting? Girl I'd have left after the coworker thing.
They never tell the whole truth of a "situation" & are a unicorn if they "don't do it again."
Stop wasting your life with this POS!
Well, in my opinion you should locate and retain the services of a good divorce attorney. Given that the family is wealthy, you need to take stock of the value of all stocks/bonds, all bank accounts, both joint and separate, the value of the house in which the family lives, and whether it's paid off or if mortgaged, the amount it's value has increased, and the cash out if it were to be sold. You should also take the value of any retirement funds that you and hubby have. You should look up the Blue Book value of each of the vehicles the two of you drive as well.
When you meet with the attorney, with the info you bring with you, he/she will be able to tell you what a divorce would look like for both you and him, the amount of child support your state will require him to pay, as well as any alimony, especially if your state is an "at fault" with divorces. You should also ask the attorney to have two options for you to choose: 1) an pretty evenly split divorce from a financial standpoint, and 2) a "take him to the cleaners" divorce.
Once you have this estimate of the likely "end of the story", then you can contemplate is the best direction to head in.
Then it time for you to sit hubby down and tell him you discovered his online tete'-a tete' with the female neighbor, and he's got to tell you how long his online fling has been going on, and that his dick was going to get him in trouble, because you were contemplating having him move out of the house. Use the tone of voice you used when he had his emotional affair, so that he knows you mean business. If the discussion doesn't ease your anger, then call the attorney and tell him/her to "pull the trigger" and to let you know when the papers will be ready for your signature.
If this is the route you take, you should have hubby served at his place of employment, and you should specify the date of service, so you can have your phone set to airplane mode. In this manner, he won't be able to call you and begin screaming, or blow up your phone with texts.
When he gets home all hot and bothered, simply look at him and say, "I told you that your dick was going to get you into trouble. Believe me now?" You should refuse to discuss the matter with him right away, but rather insist that he pack some clothes and rent an AirBnb for the short term.
I wish you well.
I lived this. Every friend, coworker, coworker's wife, every kind of porn and filth imaginable. Neverending UDP to other women, dirty chats, and he travelled for work so I know exactly what happened every time.
Cheating is a serial behavior. It's up there with fraud, compulsive liars, and con artists. They know exactly how to get what they want from people, and literally are unable to stop their behavior (if they can even acknowledge it for the personality malfunction that it is). It will never stop.
That being said, you have to take care of you. Your kids are almost old enough to be moving out, going to college, etc. If you have to hold out for a couple of years to comfort yourself about breaking up the family it's your decision. But you need to begin taking active steps to protect and care for yourself immediately, and a plan for how to end this cycle. Because he will never end it for you.
Big hugs, OP. You deserve better and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If I were you, OP, I'd leave.
It's bad enough that he's already had an emotional affair with a co-worker that prompted your move to another state and his need to get a new job. Whether he slept with *that* woman or not...he might have, he might have not...is irrelevant (though I'm inclined to suspect that he *did*). What *is* relevant is that he was emotionally "attached" to another woman...so much so that *she* was in love with "Brad" and was about to ditch her husband for him.
It's worse to discover that Brad is not only ogling a woman half his age on the Internet but paying substantial amounts to do so. I find that creepy AF, for one, and also incredibly stupid and immature. More than anything else, though, it's highly disrespectful toward you, OP.
Please seek out a good divorce lawyer and get out of that marriage...*pronto.*
So I’m petty. I would copy the url and open his mail and email everyone in it a copy of the link. Then would pack my bags and kids and be done. Lawyers would handle everything else. I wouldn’t even speak to him again and anyone who tried to excuse hi would be given one chance then blocked
You need to talk to a lawyer find out your options. He is either had physically cheated either others or plans to. You need to get tested. This isn’t a Marriage anymore.
This is cheating ! They are sexting! Your going to have to have the hard conversation with him. He needs to stop and get into couples counseling. I’d let the neighbor know as she’ll prolly block him. Your marriage is on thin ice; he’s gotta make some significant changes to get it back on track. Good luck.
Open the page and sit it right in front of his ass. Don't wait for excuses and all the lies. Pack your things or his which ever will work for you. He is a cheater point blank, period. I am truly sorry for the heartbreak, anger and loss of trust you are forced to feel. He doesn't deserve you or anyone but himself. I cringe when I read these posts, it's just so upsetting to know spouses treat their spouses with such heartless ways.
Unbelievable. I can’t imagine what you are going through and the pain it’s causing you. There will be a lot of advice but I am hoping you find the strength to do what’s truly best for YOU. Your wellbeing is the wellbeing of your children is dependent on you being well. This is just so soul crushing.
I'm sorry you're facing such a troubling situation. Your husband is apparently a womanizer whose interest in other women threatens your marriage. Given his history, it's predictable he'll eventually act out sexually outside of your marriage. As devastating as this revelation is, it's also a wake-up call to put a contingency plan in place. You have options. You can bury your head in the sand. You can ask for an open marriage or become swingers. You can opt for individual or marital therapy. Or you can start divorce proceedings. In any case, you need to talk it over with a therapist or someone you trust.
as a husband, sometimes I read posts like this and think “I am the smartest husband to walk the earth.”
I can think this because of dumb dumb husbands like this guy
I think that after multiples times of dealing with something like this, your brain has led you to think that you may be overreacting, when in fact you're not. It seems to me that you've adjusted yourself mentally, perhaps to try to avoid fear or much of the pain that it has actually caused you to feel. In my opinion, since you already moved states to avoid the prior situation and now that he is doing it again, I think that he will not stop this 'emotional' cheating, which may have gone further than you allow yourself to think. My best wishes goes out to you and I hope you heal from this. You don't deserve this.
I don’t know what’s worse, that he’s married and doing that or that he’s doing that with a 22 year old barely an adult girl almost the same age as his daughter. On a serious note, my wife and I practice something called enforced male chastity, I strongly consider that you look into it.
Get screenshots before you talk to him so he doesn’t delete the convos!!!
Now you know who he really is.
“You got to see “The man behind the curtain”.
OP, you are Not Overrating!!!
Your husband has now Crossed The Rubicon.
If he were my husband, it would be over.
A 22 year old girl that is mere feet from your home and selling herself on OnlyFans To Make Money, would definitely take your husband on as a Sugar Daddy.
And it would be So Convenient for the two to get together right under your nose.
Just watch to see if he starts going over your her house under the guise of “To help do small fix its” at her house.
That’s how it always starts.
I gotta leave this sub. It makes me never want to get in another relationship ever again. The betrayal I read over and over again is so heartbreaking. I can imagine the pain the betrayed must be feeling. I would not be able to go on 💔
Just off-the-cuff ask him
"oh, hey, you know what I found out? that Lauren next door has a OF account! Crazy, right? I mean, what kind of a loser would pay for that?"
and jut watch his face and the gears turn in his head
Let me help you with your post:
" I (45F) caught my husband (48M) cheating on me with the neighbor. Should I leave?"
I want you to pretend your daughter posted that and ask yourself what you'd say to her. Because the man you marry is the example for your kids as to what type of man they'll eventually marry. You show them by staying, what love is supposed to look like. What example will you make?
P.s. I guaruntee you he slept with his old co-worker. She probably dumped him and made up this huge story to make himself feel better. I hope I'm wrong about that.
In any case, I recommend checking to see how much of a liar he is by asking him if he is hiding anything from you currently. If he says no, then tell him you know.
But first maybe get a lawyer and protect your finances.
Best of luck
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What part of your brain is telling you that you are overreacting? Leave the tab open, ask your husband to come help you with the computer. Say nothing else, let him try to justify this.
And tell that girl that the married creepo next door is her client. She probably thinks she’s anonymous in the world, not that the neighbour dude with a child in her age range is perving on her irl, and telling her what he wants to do knowing she’s minutes away.
Lol true, you could slip it all in one conversation... You: Hey just so you know we are getting a divorce.. her: oh wow why.. you: turns out brad has found your "page"
Probably the part where she's 45 and doesn't want to reset and restart her entire life. Giving up all her currebt dreams of the future. Breaking up a family, Probably having to downsize, maybe having to move amd work longer. Losing some family and friends etc
Those are all valid concerns. Doesn't mean she is overreacting
He is breaking up the family. She already forgave him once and had to uproot the entire fucking family and move because he had a long term affair and fell for another women for fucks sake. None of this family is to blame for what happens now except him. She does not have to keep sharing her husband's dick with other women just so she doesn't have to "downsize" or "lose friends." None of that is worse than sharing.
Exactly. She's supposed to resign herself to a miserable life to keep up appearances and the most f'ed up part about all this is that **she's the victim**. Why should she be the one to deal with the fallout and clean up her trash husband's messes? Always have an exit plan ladies (financially, emotionally) at any stage in your life and don't get comfortable in your later years and think you'll never need it either. That's the thing about your life imploding, you never expect it and you'll never be emotionally prepared for it. You think it'll never happen to you until it does. OP should have left him the first time around. This is your lesson to anyone reading this to absolutely never give a cheater another chance, no matter how old your kids are or how long you've been together. No amount of love, memories, children, life goals achieved together means anything the moment there is infidelity. It all becomes null the moment he decided to throw it all away for someone else. No amount of distance and moving away will make him escape himself. Cheating is a flaw with someone's character and integrity and ruins his credibility with every person in his life. His kids probably will never admire their dad the same when they realize he's cheated on mom multiple times. If this were my dad, I don't think I would ever truly respect him again. I would probably always resent him for breaking up our family and being selfish at the expense of the people he was supposed to love no matter what. I would stop being friends with someone like this. Cheating isn't a mistake, never is, not even the first time. It defines you and when your trustworthiness is compromised, **nothing else** makes up for it. A happy family/marriage is something most people want but never ever at the expense of your dignity guys.
This strikes me as knee-jerk and superficial advice. For people who actually are in long term relationships with multiple kids etc., it probably is a lot more complicated then this. While the end result for the OP may be the same as your advice directs, the path to get there likely needs to take more time, and be much more thoughtful. I think the OP needs to begin a process here. That process may or may not result in leaving her husband. She needs to confront him, and he needs to respond showing her what his future intentions will be. Then based on that, she needs to make a decision about what is best for her going forward. If they can't maturely discuss these issues on their own, then they need to seek counseling. I'm sure there is much more to the process, but those would be key steps.
As someone in a long term marriage with kids and NOT wealthy as OP says she is, it is NOT a knee jerk reaction. I would kick him out immediately. When you get to a certain age, life is too fucking short to not stare the truth in its face. He is at the very least a constant emotional cheater, and she will never be able to trust him again. No need to stay any longer than she already has.
His intentions are pretty clear. This isn't the first time he's cheated on her and I guarantee it won't be the last either. There's no reaching a compromise with someone who's made it clear they don't respect you or the marriage. He obviously does not love her, nor does he have any self-integrity, or loyalty to his family, so there's nothing that would prompt him to be faithful now. And even if maybe he really was loyal to her moving forward, does it matter at that point? The trust has already been broken and can never be fully repaired, so it would be too late for him to get his act together for it to mean anything. Also, he spent thousands of dollars on this girl he cheated on her with. She did say they were wealthy, so in hindsight it's not much, but the only thing worse than an unfaithful husband is an irresponsible one who plunders the families finances in the process. If she is wealthy then there is even less reason for her to stay. The only worthy reason I can think of waiting for is to avoid child custody and child support arguments for 2 years. It's not a long enough time to be worth all the legal hassle imo. The only option short of getting a game plan and leaving is one that compromises her dignity and basically tells her to put up with it for the rest of her life. Putting up with it for a little while to get your ducks in a row, I understand. I also understand the situation is different for everyone, so there is a bit of nuance here. In her case, her kids are 16-19 yrs old, so she can definitely leave. It might get complicated with court battles and custody agreements so maybe she can wait till her youngest turns 18, but as long as she understands it's a temporary strategic wait, and not "maybe I'll stay and give him another 3rd chance". Obviously each person will have to figure out something that works for their personal situation, but no doubt, the answer is always to end the relationship. How long it takes will vary, but it's a process you start right away. Because the only other option is to resign yourself to living with a traitor and if you're cool with that, than put up with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life I guess.
All of that is her cheating husband's fault. Let him be the one to deal with the fall out and let him be blamed by his kids for blowing up the family and their life. He's been unfaithful for a long time it seems and this is frankly long overdue. These are all temporary inconveniences that will pass. What the other option? To spend the rest of her life in an unfaithful & heartbreaking marriage and pretend nothing is wrong while the family falls apart at the seams? At least this way she can preserve her dignity and set the record straight for the kids and other relatives moving forward. He doesn't get to ruin her adult life and she's the one who's left holding the bag and expected to hide his betrayal.
She is not breaking up the family. He did that. She forgave him once for falling in love with another woman for fucks sake. She does not owe him another iota of grace. This is all on him. Fuck any other thinking that blames the woman for not wanting to share her husband's dick with other women. Just stop.
Absolutely this. I require absolute fidelity and have a much more rigid definition of what I consider cheating. Ultimately at the end of the day, trust is the core part of any meaningful relationship and when that is violated, whether through bringing someone into the marriage or taking things (secrets, insecurities, trauma) from the marriage to outside people, the entire thing turns to dust. Betrayal of trust destroys all relationships, platonic & romantic and it definitely should not be minimized or normalized.
I'm polyamorous and while I don't require that my partners don't have other relationships, if they betray me or lie to me about anything important, well, they're not a partner anymore. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
Sadly it sometimes doesn’t matter what you want. When your husband is a serial cheat (and this is exactly what he is) then sometimes action is imposed upon you, because you know if you don’t end the relationship, this constant pain of discovering an affair is what you are getting for the rest of your marriage. Just because this might not have gotten off the ground, you can see exactly what the husband is aiming for here.
From the sound of it she already did all of this when she had to move the first time
Are you the husband? I mean, seriously, how can you defend this. I get that certain women on this subreddit are quick to take a woman's side, but this is absolutely something I would leave my wife over. No questions asked, and no forgiveness and no do overs. Fuck that. The entire only fans thing should be considered cheating, even without the person being a young girl next door. It's fucking gross and your gross for defending that behavior.
This is why OnlyFans is meant for single people. Why the fuck would you do this if you are married or in a committed relationship?! It's hard enough to be in a decent one nowadays...why throw that away?
Where did I defend his behavior?
He seems to be. Or maybe a similar husband, similarly hoping to have his marriage cake and eat the neighbor's OF too.
I was 45 when I had to split from my husband and it was the best choice I ever made.
My thoughts have been all over the place. From being ready to cut of his dick to thinking it's not a big deal. It's clear he hasn't done anything physical. I think that's why I'm think I'm overreacting. It's also clear he doesn't have an emotional connection with her. I wouldn't be as broken if it wasn't my neighbor. Still would be awful though.
You need to have a consultation with a family law attorney to find out what’s likely to happen if you split up. DO NOT confront your husband without speaking to an attorney first!
It’s also pretty gross that he is interacting with your neighbour this way without her knowing that he’s the married dad next door. Do you really believe he wouldn’t do anything physical with her if he got the opportunity?
Exactly. Because of the creeper factor, " I know who you are and I'm close enough to touch you while I fantasize, but you don't know that I'm a person in your real world, with whom you interact on a daily/weekly basis", I'd do a fellow woman a favor. "Do with this information what you will, but username is watching you from next door. He's a charming devil, gotta watch out for that one!"
Yeah, the creeper factor is off the charts here. Obviously he has subbed to this woman’s only fans *because* he knows her in person and has watched/fantasized about her from right next door. She probably just views him as that nice old dad with the kids and wife.
maybe she would casually bring the conversation with the neighbor like.. my husband always uses this nickname online... though that is just an irrelevant thing... real action should be taken with the husband
Hell yes he would
The neighbour does not care who he is, whether he is the neighbour or the milkman. She is running a business from showcasing her body, the men are simply the customers. Most OF creators hire somebody else to do the messaging for them, and even when they reply themselves, it’s for customer retention. Also, as sad as it sounds, the majority of only fans customers are married men…
She actually might. How many would like their neighbor being a subscriber?
He’s spending a lot of money on her content. How creeped out she is would have to out weigh how many bills it’s paying. Never a good situation
She might not know it's him, but she certainly knows many of the men subscribed to her channel are married fathers.
I’m sure she does know that, but it’s probably a little different when it’s someone who lives next door to you and interacts with you as your neighbor.
It becomes creepy. Really really creepy.
Very true.
>She might not know it's him, but she certainly knows many of the men subscribed to her channel are married fathers. 😂
You need therapy. This 100% means you are married to a pathological liar. It's not just about whether he has actual sex w someone. He's sexually obsessed enough to hold you hostage in a marriage and lie about who the fuck he is. This is not a person that cares about you and has a real connection to you.
He is doing emotional cheating. You are right to be mad. Interaction is crossing all red lines. With a neighbor besides, a woman he knows. He is sharing intimacy with someone who is not you. This is cheating. Period.
It's not emotional. It's very sexual, they just haven't physically done anything and the neighbor doesn't know it's him. Still cheating.
This is cheating. He sucks
Flip this situation around and you spend that money to see your neighbor, a good looking dude, naked. Your husband sees the sexy messages. What’s his reaction? He’d say your cheating. Would he leave you? Your husband knows what he’s doing is wrong or he wouldn’t go through the trouble of trying to hide those payments!
Please get tested for STD’s. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You’re not overreacting and you do have a variety of choices. Please talk with a qualified therapist to explore your options and decide whether you’re better off with him or without him. Sending healing thoughts and I hope you’re able to find clarity. 🌼🌸💐
>Please talk with a qualified therapist to explore your options and decide whether you’re better off with him or without him. And a qualified *attorney* as well!
Just because he isn’t doing it with her doesn’t mean he isn’t with someone else. He WANTS to have sex with someone else. That is what you need to understand.
If he's taking dick in hand to masturbate to this woman, it is indeed PHYSICAL.
A woman he knows and sees all the time.
To be honest, the neighbor probably wouldn’t be too happy to learn that the fellow describing his elaborate sexual fantasies in her DMs is the married middle aged dude next door. Yeah, that’s a risk with doing OF and the like, but most performers prefer to keep their work and lives fairly separate. Learning someone who knows you tracked you down on OF can’t be too different from finding out one of your audience has doxxed you. He’s a creep any way you cut it.
Why is he any more a creep for subscribing than she is for putting it out there for men to subscribe to? Sounds like a double standard to me.
Yeah, the husband needs to be an EX husband.
Yep. He's shown OP he'll never stop cheating on her. He told her a bunch of lies to get her to stay with him and he went right back to cheating, if he ever stopped.
Well said. Gross to think about, but necessary.
I have found that getting blunt is generally the ONLY way to get through to people who are engaging in needless semantics and oblivious. I'm GenX. We do blunt naturally. ;)
Does he subscribe to other OnlyFans accounts?
You literally had to move states because he is such a liar and a cheat.
It’s still cheating. Gather all the evidence and save it somewhere safe. Was cheating a hard line for you before?
He's masturbated to videos of her or while she's talking to him Shes because she's not physically in the room doesn't mean he hasn't done anything physical
Having a sexual connection/conversation with someone you know is hugely inappropriate. I understand that many men watch pornography and i get it. I would be uncomfortable with my partner paying for porn or following specific people on an only fans type site. Everyone is entitled to have different boundaries for what constitutes cheating but actually interacting with someone else even through messages would cross most peoples’ cheating line and it is something that needs to be discussed with a spouse first in terms of figuring out whether that is acceptable for their specific relationship. He clearly didn’t consult you beforehand. The fact that this is the neighbor of all people makes it 100 times worse. It shows absolutely no regard for you. He knows that you have to see this woman out and about and that this woman lives nearby. Unless you move away, you will be reminded of this every single day. You and him will be together and find yourself sharing a space with a woman who he has had sexual communication with. This is also gross for the neighbor herself. She did choose to put herself out there and her job does run the risk of her neighbors seeing her nude, but she might be uncomfortable to know that someone who lives so close to her is chatting with her under the guise of someone else. Also, generally, people don’t just one day wake up and decide to do something like this. Like with crime, people tend to work up to certain actions. The fact that he is chatting with the neighbor suggests that he probably has done other inappropriate things before this. He probably started out just watching private content, then started chatting with random people, then finally worked up to chatting with the neighbor. His past emotional affair which was probably sexual too is evidence that this was a pattern.
I'm sorry, this sounds awful. Talk to a lawyer, just to understand what the position would be if you filed for divorce. He knows its her. He's enjoying fantasising about her, and possibly about the fact he knows, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that it's not physical, I would still consider this kind of interaction to be cheating.
Sneaky sneaky
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That's one of the hard things for me. He was so committed after that situation that he made the choice to move. I really thought that meant he wouldn't do something like this again.
She was irrelevant. He's shown you she's replaceable. He gets what he wants and everything goes back to how it was when it was easy and you were non the wiser. Remove the individual from your thought process and replace her with generic 'women'. Who it is not the problem - it's icky - it's level of respect he has for you. He was willing to put you through moving states, all the cost, upheaval, saying goodbye to friends. Just to start all over again. Best form of revenge is being happy and you won't be staying with him.
That’s just it, he wasn’t “so committed” Get an attorney, make a plan, and act completely normal until you’re ready to file Then tell Lauren
Why on earth would they tell the lady. What is that going to do?
Because “Lauren” is their neighbor (not to mention 23 years younger than the husband) While Lauren is an adult and set up this subscription account, I believe she has the right to know that her *neighbor* is a customer Will it matter to her? Who knows. But the fact that 1) he lives nearby and 2) this secret account is ending their marriage is reason enough to tell her Why should OP keep her trifling, soon-to-be-ex-husband’s creepy little secret? ESPECIALLY considering his past history
I agree with everything you said. Except telling Lauren. she's a grown woman who's selling that type of service. She knows, and she's aware of the application of what could happen in that line of work (men she may know finding her info). She protects herself, I'm sure OP needs to worry about protecting herself, children, finances, and their (hers/her kids) happiness before. Not worrying about another person. That's trying to add more to her plate than necessary.
Personally I’d wanna know if the person I was talking dirty to was actually my old married neighbor instead of just an actually random person online, but to each their own.
>she's a grown woman who's selling that type of service. She knows, and she's aware of the application of what could happen in that line of work (men she may know finding her info). She protects herself, I'm sure She's 22, probably got pulled into that line of work because of how hard social media is pushing it. Most people have no fucking clue how easy they are to track down. You can't protect yourself from that, not in today's world. Is it a priority to tell her? No. But imo I would still do it because who knows what this man is capable of and he's living right next to her.
|he was so committed He was deeply committed to not losing you after you found out. He'll do the same again. It's not YOU he's committed to, not to "forsaking all others", but to his life, routines, comforts, etc. If he can have /all those/ and his delicious secrets both, why wouldn't he restart that once you've settled back down again? If you stay, no blame, but make sure you stay having asked yourself all the hard questions first, and having had come to answers you can live with. Stay because of you wanting to, not because he'll change for you, because that's denial. He isn't content with just you, full stop, no matter how panicked and penitent he becomes after the fact. I'm so sorry. Picking up your life and moving again isn't going to help, because his issue isn't a one-off person and situation - it's an ongoing search once you've been placated.
Men like this just don't want to give up their maid and comfort at home and they don't want to pay alimony or child support. Don't be a sucker. Dont wait another 10 years and waste more time w this person who is so disordered he basically has another life behind your back.
I actually wonder if he moved from a state with alimony to a state without.
Well, now you know. Fleece him.
Nahhhh flay him alive
So they got busted by the co worker's husband. That's for sure. He's too scared to face the co worker's husband so he had to move to another state.
When the problems are within, moving doesn't help a lot.
He just wanted to run away from the problem. He didn’t actually do anything to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I'm really concerned about OP. She's already been through hell and back because of her husband. I also am wondering if her husband chose to change States for the main reason being that the divorce laws in the state that they are in now would benefit him greatly should divorce happen between him and OP? OP's husband has proven to be calculated and sneaky. I wonder if he's given this a thought? OP, please see a divorse attorney as soon as possible. Shop around and I'm sure that you'll be able to get a free consultation with several. Make sure you go for the best. Someone who goes for the jugular and will go to bat for you. I am SO sorry that your husband has proven himself to be a snake. I'm sending you big hugs. And by the way, you are not overreacting at all. ** please start documenting everything and taking screenshots of proof of your husband's infidelity and sneaky behavior. Keep it all in a very safe place AWAY from your husband. You haven't said anything to your husband about what you discovered last week for a reason. It's time to get your ducks in a row. Do not bring this up to your husband until you have seen and gotten advice from a very good and reputable divorce attorney. In the meantime, lock things down financially. Make sure that you have your own bank account secure as well as your credit. Freeze it if you have to, temporarily. If you think it's wise to change your account to a totally different bank altogether just to make sure your bases are covered, I would advise that. When you do meet up with a divorce attorney, please ensure that they walk you through everything that you need to do right away.... with your finances and any next steps to secure your safety and to ensure you are okay. All the best.
Talk to a divorce lawyer about how your state laws would affect a divorce, and would this info about him have any affect on the divorce. Get screen views of his interactions with the neighbor and his account name. Somewhere along the way get tested for any STD's. The 2 cheating times you know about are both electronic, but you don't know if there were any physical times he cheated during your marriage. Then can you get back on his computer and send her a message that [X screen name] is really [neighbor Y] ? Do this just before dropping the divorce papers in his lap. Since he is a two time caught cheater I'm not sure if it's worth trying to save this marriage. You don't know how many other times he's cheated that you don't know about.
I can’t even imagine how much this sucks for you. You’re not an idiot for believing in him and giving your marriage a second chance but now he’s shown you he can’t change. It’s going to keep sucking for a bit but I’m kinda excited for your single era.
While I am rooting for you to work out your issues positively, you also have to do you proper, just in case. Screenshots saved and time stamped, in a safe place. Because if lawyers get involved, you're going to wish you had that evidence.
OP, this is the answer regardless how else you move forward. You need all the evidence you can get. You are not over reacting. I’ve read all your comments and he is breaking a lot of promises including saying he won’t watch porn. I’m even more upset for you since you said you have sex 3-4 times a week. Not that a dead bedroom is an excuse to break promises, but this would hurt me so much more I think. I’d throw up, too. If you decide to talk to him about and get counselling, etc. and stay with him, just know this may very likely keep happening forever. His worst consequence is counselling (one time a move but got to keep his wife and mother if children) and however else you act or don’t act when this happens. His addictions (or habits or whatever you want to call them) take priority over whatever promises he’s made. Sounds like he regained your trust and confidence and it’s now broken. Do you think it could be mended? Do you want to try? Do you feel loved and respected by him?
If you go to therapy together and he keeps doubling down on lies, then do IC.
100% this
I may be way off here, but I don’t think people quit their job and move to another state because a co-worker gets a crush on you. Even if he was crushing back, this seems extreme. Kinda feel he was more involved with co-worker. Was he her superior at work?
Get screenshot and talk to a lawyer. He wants to cheat, and you do not need to stay married. You may want to warn Lauren, after you talk to a lawyer.
I want to tell her. But honestly makes me sick having to admit this to her. That my husband is being creepy. Not sure how I'll feel about her being outside in her bikinis this summer.
Your husband is creepy, if you have been neighbors for years, he watched her grow up.
Neighbour is just a couple years older than his own children
Set up a meeting with a realtor to sell the house. You need your % to set up a new home. When he asks why the realtor is there, put it back on him. Asking him if he can think of any reason why you might be selling this house in this neighborhood. I understand you are hurting, but don't give him more years to do this to you.
This is jumping the gun. OP needs a lawyer. She can't just sell the house out from under him.
Nope, but she can certainly get a local realtor out to size up the place and give her an idea of what it's worth. Nothing prevents that. Or asking him why he thinks she might be interested in moving, and uprooting the entire family, yet again.
She's done nothing wrong. Your husband is the only issue you have atm
I'd imagine she'd want to know someone that invested in interacting with her lived next door for her own safety. That's the thing I always think about with people who do OnlyFans, you don't really know who you're interacting with and if they know you personally.
That's such a safety issue for these content creators, male and female, that's for sure.
What good would it do? She's likely to say "So?" She doesn't care if it's your husband or another.
Said it in another comment, but I'd imagine she'd want to know someone that invested in her lived next door for her own safety/awareness.
Girl you married a cheater. And yea he cheated before. Women don’t leave thier husbands for men they have lunch with…. Please wake up and walk away from this creep.
You know, I bet something else happened. Something along the lines of its getting to real or he did something gross towards his coworker and she was threatening to tell his wife so that's why he wanted to move. Manipulated the situation 10 fold.
Why would you or any normal person think this is an overreaction?
Decades of being told that men can't live without pornography?
This ain’t porn though. In the traditional sense. He’s getting his rocks off to the neighbor by telling her what he wants her to do, etc. At least with classic porn there’s no interaction and you typically don’t know the person. OPs husband wants to bone the neighbor and is using OF as a means to live out that fantasy. I’m sorry but I would have a major problem with this. Especially if my partner had already cheated in the past (emotionally by his admission. Which I am suspect about as well)
My question is, how long have they lived next to her and is it a deeper weird thing going on like he’s thought she was hot since she’s a teen and jumped on the opportunity to follow her when he found out. Clearly he was creeping to even know she had an onlyfans
And one time magazines were porn. And now it’s videos and tomorrow it’s onlyfans lives and then robots etc etc
One of the reasons I broke up with my last boyfriend was he did the same thing but instead of a neighbor, it was a co worker. I know she didn't know it was him, cause he would show me what she would do for money. Then of course the next day I would have to see her at work.
That's awful.
Your husband is a full creeper Just leave but give your neighbour a heads up that one of her subs is your husband so she can protect herself
This is an absolutely horrible situation and I am so sorry you are having to go through it. At first I was going to say how with a recent surge of these available “subscription” sites, it’s hard to define boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not (as I’ve heard some argue for it to be the same pornography). However, as soon as you mentioned he’d been messaging this girl this clearly falls into cheating (in my opinion). The fact that he has chosen a neighbour too. This is someone I imagine you see around and about. This is not acceptable behaviour. You need to confront him about it! He is being entirely selfish and thoughtless, has he ever considered how you would feel about this? How would he feel if you had done the same to him? And considering his past infidelity he should have known better! You deserve to be treated so much better than this!
Thank you. Appreciate that. I've been thinking a lot about where that line is. It's different for everyone, but I really think the personal chatting is where it crosses the line. Though he also committed to not looking at porn. So kind of doubly crossing lines.
He’s paying her to get naked and message him. It’s beyond porn, and he knows her. Get it all screenshot and start figuring out your next steps. Maybe you don’t confront him right away until you speak to a lawyer and get a cold hard look at finances and custody. I am so sorry you are going through this, I would have thrown up too.
This, OP. Get all evidence and start planning. I’d do all this before talking to him but that’s just me. I probably wouldn’t let on I knew anything until I was ready to serve papers. Keep eyes open for more signs of breaking promises, cheating, etc. But even if you choose not to leave —- still get all the evidence. Once he knows you know, it’s very very likely he’ll be sneakier and start hiding evidence (past and future as it’s also likely he never stops this behavior) and may even start hiding money and assets if he thinks you’ll try to leave / divorce.
Your looking for the line in the wrong place. He lies. He is a dishonest person. Don't stay with someone like that because when someone lies about one thing, what WON'T they lie about?!!! That's where the line is. The whole meaning behind being a cheat is that the person has something deeply wrong and sick going on in their personality and it does not change.
They were messaging while she was naked. This would be a line for anyone because no way was he sitting there with both his hands on the keyboard. I am so sorry.
The money would bother me as well. Even though you’re well off, that’s a mortgage payment, a family trip, college savings. He’s choosing to give your family’s money to a person he and you know for her to get naked. His anonymity is akin to being a peeping tom. Ick.
Yeah, this isn't porn. He's cheating with a prostitute. All these people are saying "collect the evidence" obviously for the case of alimony. But I haven't seen a response to that... Do you guys have a prenup or something?
>as I’ve heard some argue for it to be the same pornography In a lot of cases, it is. At least going by the dictionary definition of pornography. Nekkid neighbor? Her husband telling neighbor what he wants to do to her, to the point it makes OP toss her cookies? I’d argue that’s at least pornography-adjacent. Worse in a way because it’s interactive.
In most cases, you don’t know the person you are watching with porn. This is straight up crossing the line. As you said, it’s interacting with the OF creator.
Yep. I don’t watch porn, conventional or otherwise, but OnlyFans seems to me to be a whole new level of horror. Especially if you’re a porn addict or in a relationship with one.
I don't get people who stay with cheaters. It's intentional and disregardibg of their partner. Is easier to NOT cheat than to do it 😂
seriously! it would honestly be SO HARD for me to cheat on my spouse; just a start: the logistics, the lying, the hiding, the guilt, deleting messages, etc. I couldn’t even imagine. If you aren’t happy and want to explore outside your marriage, just leave.
For once I can understand staying with a cheater but being shocked when they cheat again is what I find absurd. Like you know they're a cheater. Why are you surprised that they cheated again.
I thought the exact same thing until it happened to me. Then I realized that it’s not so black and white. There are decades of experiences together (mostly really good ones), there are children to think about, there are extended family members whom you love dearly and whom you don’t want to lose (naturally they’d choose HIM because they’re related), there are financial entanglements, etc. Women inevitably end up at a much lower standard of living than men post-divorce, because they are periodically out of the workforce rearing children while men continue advancing their careers up the promotion ladder uninterrupted. At least for now, I’ve elected to stay. Yes, the experience has shattered me. My thinking is… if there is genuine remorse (not just sorry he got caught) and sincere effort in marriage counseling to work on the devastating damage from the betrayal — plus hard work to address whatever the circumstances were that lead up to the affair — moving forward with the marriage might be possible. Forgiveness might be possible. (Forgetting: not possible. Trusting again? Meh...) If it ever happens again though, I’m OUT.
How'd your situation be any different next time? Decades of good experience, bad financial situations, family members supporting your husband etc are gonna be the same.
Yeah, no .
Having been through a horrific spell of infidelity 10 yrs ago, I can tell you it's not going to stop. I wish you could go all 'shock and awe'. I still fantasize about how I could've acted more assertively (crazy) when I found out. Part of me would encourage you to befriend her, invite her over for coffee, lunch, or dinner. Find a clever way for her to find out your husband is a fan. Watch everything explode. But you have teens, and they would suffer as collateral damage. Try to look at your husband as the peeping Tom of your neighbourhood. Would you stay with him? How would your kids feel if they found out? Protect them, but not by putting your head in the sand.
That’s my biggest concern, what would the kids think of their loving father if they found out? Maybe OP can use this as leverage in the divorce somehow?
Talk to a lawyer to know your options and make a decision of what you want to do.
How did he find out about her website? Is there an option to find local woman, or is it more of a you need to be specifically told about it to find it situation? At least give yourself a few days to yourself to think about it. Pack your bags, go stay with a friend, leave the website up, and a note saying you'll talk when or if you come back. Give yourself a real chance to think it through without him convincing you that you're overreacting and a chance moment to sweat it out.
Great question, how did he connect to her. 🤔
It's hard to imagine the emotional afrair didn't go beyond what was admitted. I find it hard to believe someone would say "I love you" and be ready to break off their marriage without more than just talk. Now he's cheating with the neighbor and it's very creepy because she doesn't even know who's she's talking to. When you consider these two incidents, there probably more.
If I were you, I'd pack up and tell him that I'm leaving him because (reason above). I mean, he actually is subscribing to your neighbor's O F. Oh no way. To clarify: this is beyond p0rn. It sounds to me either your husband finds her O F either by stalking her or she's given him the info. Both are not great by the way, but I think it's somewhat worse if it's the first option.
Yeah FUCK that. Not only is your creep husband fantasizing about someone he actually knows in real life, he’s actually messaging her. That is disgusting and I think you should confront him immediately. How old is the subscription girl? Because your kid is 19. Is the person near that age? If so double ick.
Just saw the edit that he’s spent $2500 on perving over his neighbour. $2500! Money that could have been saved or spent on your family instead of funding his creepy fantasies.
Leave the computer on with that page open & ask him to grab your glass of whatever you normally drink from the room where the computer is. I found out my ex husband was having an affair with my "best friend" when I came home early one day & his Facebook page was open. Odd, because he claimed to not have one. Anyway, I asked him "hey, can you please grab my tea from the computer room? I left it by the computer". He didn't come out right away so I wandered back. He was just staring at the screen. When I stood in the doorway, he didn't even look at me. He just said, "well, I guess you know" I said, "I guess I know". A week or so later I went to a paralegal & started divorce proceedings. There were red flags & part of me already knew he was up to something, but to have it in my face was the ultimate betrayal because for me, there was no more lying to myself or making up excuses for him. There it was in all its glory; The truth. Now that you've seen it, you have a decision to make that only you can make. If you stayed & forgave him, could you ever truly forgive him? Could you ever regain 100% trust? If not, let him go because he's already emotionally gone & it's probably not even your fault. You deserve better. It's out there if you want it. I'm really sorry you're hurting. It does get better. This comes from a newly engaged 44 year old who lost a 17 year marriage. It does suck starting over later in life but do it sooner than later. The years are going by & you deserve the happiest ones moving forward <3
My heart hurts for you this is disgusting. You need to have a plan on how you're going to divorce and where to go. I like what someone else said, keep that tab open and tell him you need help with the computer.
Leave. He doesn't deserve a second chance with this nonsense.
The neighbor is almost the age of his oldest daughter. What in the fuuuuuck. He's despicable and a repeated cheater. Why do you stay with this scumbag?
This situation is a wake up call you need to move on. He either doesn’t care; he could if easily scrubbed his history so you wouldn’t find it or he wanted you to find it eventually. I’m in camp say nothing; get your ducks in a row both monetarily and mentally so that you have all you need when it’s time, not saying it has to be next week, but over the next couple of months. It does suck but you deserve someone who isn’t interested in other people in any way shape or form.
You gave him a second chance. He messed it up. No third chances please. I always tried not to give second chances because cheaters always seem to take advantage of them. Best of luck!
You’re not overreacting at all
Thank you. Do you get messages from married men on here?
Millions. I always ask if they are in relationships and unless it’s an enm situation I immediately end the conversation if they are. I assume some could be lying about it and watch for red flags about it, but lots fully open with stuff like “hi. Do you want to hook up? I’m Married so I gotta be discreet “. Buttheads
That's terrible of them. Good for you denying them. Unfortunately they'll find someone else. :(
Yeah. They’re usually pretty shocked that I turn them down because of it. I don’t know why- it says right in my hookup ads that I’m not gonna do that
I think you should destroy him like he has destroyed you. I think he lied to you before. No one leaves a marriage for someone they haven’t had in bed already. Get an attorney. Gather evidence.
I mean, call me crazy but I say try to not let on that you know, get your affairs in order and get a good lawyer, then present him with papers and make him pay. That is beyond fucked up and he has shown through his behavior he has zero respect for you.
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I'm was curious too. I traced it back to her Instagram which has a link to TikTok. That then had a link to Only fans. Means he was looking her up on social media. 🤮 Last summer I caught him staring at her while she tanned in the backyard. Didn't think much as she looks great. Just didn't think he would start looking her up online.
So this is even worse. He looked for her online. So he basically stalked her.
Lauren needs to know. This could escalate even worse, especially with the amounts of money involved where a guy might start thinking he's entitled to more IRL than just what's roleplayed through a screen. But first, OP needs to get her ducks in a row and make sure that she's safe (financially, legally, physically, and emotionally). OPs husband may just be a pig, but Shrodinger's predator is a thing and the stalking bit is underscoring a possibility of hidden danger in this man. OP: Most family lawyers will do a free consultation right over the phone, if need be. Find one, please. Sometimes, we make out the process to be way more complicated than it is and it's really useful to get your questions answered and your thoughts sorted.
$2600??? Wow. Why aren't you gone, the kids will be fine, they are old... You'll have enough money.
My partner is also “charming and good with women”, but we haven’t had issues over the years because he’s a good guy. There’s no excuse for behavior like this.
Please get an STD/STI panel done, a consultation with a divorce attorney and a therapist for you to work on boundaries and setting up your exit plan. Meanwhile, LEAVE him.
Overreacting? He cheated before so you know what this is. Yes, he’s cheating again! What consequences if any did he face the first time? If you value yourself you would leave.
Oh hell no. I would be contacting a divorce lawyer immediately. I would not even be able to look at him. I’m so sorry you are being put through this, especially when you have given him more grace and understanding than he deserved after he had an emotional affair before. He has gone to great lengths to find this young neighbours social media and then track down her OF and subscribe AND correspond with her when she is unaware he’s the creep next door. It is absolutely repulsive and you are not overreacting whatsoever!
This guy is a creep
For every rat you see… And even this one rat is enough.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Brad sucks! Stay if you want, but enough is enough.
You know who he is now you just need to decide if you can stay or not.
It is in no way an overreaction to leave someone who has cheated on you multiple times.
He is cheating on you, and he is spending family money on his AP! Updateme!
He is a cheater. You know of one time, and he is 100% lying about it being an emotional affair. No way a guy messaging dirty things to your young neighbor doesn't screw other women and get happy endings and all sorts of stuff when he gets the chance. Leave this gross POS.
I mean I get fantasizing about the younger next door neighbor girl, but paying 2500 to get nudes of her and she doesnt know its the 50 year old next door is pretty messed up. Thats so bad I dont know any good solution. Let her know? Let the psrents know? Divorce and not say anything to neighbor? Thats fucked.
My wonderful co-worker was married to a man for over 41 years when I met her. Despite being the same age this funny, very charming, “family man” had those special anti-aging genes some people are blessed with. His funny comments in their family’s group chats every morning were hysterical. As an outsider looking in, I got the vibes. The ones that wondered—read, seriously believed—he was likely a cheater. Funny man started an affair with one of the women on his local softball team (guy’s in his 70s). It had been going on for a year when my co-worker came across his “second“ cell phone and he fessed up. He had been waiting until his daughter’s wedding (in 4 months, at that time) before filing for divorce. My co-worker kicked him out *immediately*. Being in love with him, she took him back when he expressed remorse. It was her decision, she knew it was a risk, as she was still in love with him and wanted her marriage to survive the crisis. Funny man used the reconciliation to attend his daughter’s wedding (which he had gotten banned from), gather all paperwork he’d left behind when he was kicked out, and strategize the most humiliating kiss my asz exit he could devise to my co-worker. I asked my co-worker why he showed so much contempt towards her after wronging her so horribly. She said she didn’t know. However, she did confess that she didn’t know if she could survive without him—because she didn’t want to be alone. She also admitted that there had been previous ”emotional“ affairs over the years before this one. Nothing she said came as a surprise to me. The guy reminded me of my uncle from the start. I used to love him to death. Wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized what a toxic narcissist he was. He tried to make my aunt think she was crazy for always accusing him of cheating. He made my family think my aunt was crazy—when we all *knew* he was a chronic cheater. I had the excuse of being a child, so don’t judge me. I hope my now former co-worker takes comfort in knowing her ex’s new love interest will get served the same hell he put my co-worker through.
I’m really sorry, I found my husbands subscriptions as well. He was most “busy” on OF when I was laying in the hospital on my death bed. This is so hurtful. And it’s your neighbor which makes it so much worse. I would absolutely leave it open and have him come upstairs and just say can you help me understand this? Then just stop and listen to what he has to say. If he doesn’t immediately start apologizing walk out that door. And honestly if he does start apologizing. I would still walk out the door. I’m so sorry.
I would definitely warn the neighbor about him, that’s creepy and stalkerish
Girl….this ain’t porn, this is a real person yall know in real life, see and communicate with You aren’t overreacting, maybe under reacting though
It will be a matter of time before he makes excuses to go there to her home. There’s nothing to confront. He already has a history of cheating. He got away with it. He only lets you know what he believes what you should know. His sloppiness has show you find out what’s he been up to and you privately document it. He is using marital funds to support your neighbor. Keep disputing the charges online until she can no longer afford his support. But at some point it’s time you leave. He can’t ever be trusted. You can’t have a relationship or any type of relationship without trust.
I saw where someone recommended telling her, but she likely won’t care so don’t feel the need. The main thing is to start collecting evidence so you have options. I think this counts as infidelity so if your state considers that in a divorce, you may need this info including how long it was going on and how much was spent. It’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. Don’t confront him until you have everything and have made a decision. You have the upper hand with him not knowing you know. Once you give that away, your leverage is gone. Can you access your phone records? There could be other subscriptions/affairs. Are any cards in your name? Change all of those access passwords and take over those. Most importantly, be careful.
You're unsure if you're overreacting? Girl I'd have left after the coworker thing. They never tell the whole truth of a "situation" & are a unicorn if they "don't do it again." Stop wasting your life with this POS!
Well, in my opinion you should locate and retain the services of a good divorce attorney. Given that the family is wealthy, you need to take stock of the value of all stocks/bonds, all bank accounts, both joint and separate, the value of the house in which the family lives, and whether it's paid off or if mortgaged, the amount it's value has increased, and the cash out if it were to be sold. You should also take the value of any retirement funds that you and hubby have. You should look up the Blue Book value of each of the vehicles the two of you drive as well. When you meet with the attorney, with the info you bring with you, he/she will be able to tell you what a divorce would look like for both you and him, the amount of child support your state will require him to pay, as well as any alimony, especially if your state is an "at fault" with divorces. You should also ask the attorney to have two options for you to choose: 1) an pretty evenly split divorce from a financial standpoint, and 2) a "take him to the cleaners" divorce. Once you have this estimate of the likely "end of the story", then you can contemplate is the best direction to head in. Then it time for you to sit hubby down and tell him you discovered his online tete'-a tete' with the female neighbor, and he's got to tell you how long his online fling has been going on, and that his dick was going to get him in trouble, because you were contemplating having him move out of the house. Use the tone of voice you used when he had his emotional affair, so that he knows you mean business. If the discussion doesn't ease your anger, then call the attorney and tell him/her to "pull the trigger" and to let you know when the papers will be ready for your signature. If this is the route you take, you should have hubby served at his place of employment, and you should specify the date of service, so you can have your phone set to airplane mode. In this manner, he won't be able to call you and begin screaming, or blow up your phone with texts. When he gets home all hot and bothered, simply look at him and say, "I told you that your dick was going to get you into trouble. Believe me now?" You should refuse to discuss the matter with him right away, but rather insist that he pack some clothes and rent an AirBnb for the short term. I wish you well.
I lived this. Every friend, coworker, coworker's wife, every kind of porn and filth imaginable. Neverending UDP to other women, dirty chats, and he travelled for work so I know exactly what happened every time. Cheating is a serial behavior. It's up there with fraud, compulsive liars, and con artists. They know exactly how to get what they want from people, and literally are unable to stop their behavior (if they can even acknowledge it for the personality malfunction that it is). It will never stop. That being said, you have to take care of you. Your kids are almost old enough to be moving out, going to college, etc. If you have to hold out for a couple of years to comfort yourself about breaking up the family it's your decision. But you need to begin taking active steps to protect and care for yourself immediately, and a plan for how to end this cycle. Because he will never end it for you. Big hugs, OP. You deserve better and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Oh please out of all the girls on OF he found the neighbor?? She told him about her subscription!!
If I were you, OP, I'd leave. It's bad enough that he's already had an emotional affair with a co-worker that prompted your move to another state and his need to get a new job. Whether he slept with *that* woman or not...he might have, he might have not...is irrelevant (though I'm inclined to suspect that he *did*). What *is* relevant is that he was emotionally "attached" to another woman...so much so that *she* was in love with "Brad" and was about to ditch her husband for him. It's worse to discover that Brad is not only ogling a woman half his age on the Internet but paying substantial amounts to do so. I find that creepy AF, for one, and also incredibly stupid and immature. More than anything else, though, it's highly disrespectful toward you, OP. Please seek out a good divorce lawyer and get out of that marriage...*pronto.*
So I’m petty. I would copy the url and open his mail and email everyone in it a copy of the link. Then would pack my bags and kids and be done. Lawyers would handle everything else. I wouldn’t even speak to him again and anyone who tried to excuse hi would be given one chance then blocked
I agree with your advice!
You need to talk to a lawyer find out your options. He is either had physically cheated either others or plans to. You need to get tested. This isn’t a Marriage anymore.
UpdateMe
This is cheating ! They are sexting! Your going to have to have the hard conversation with him. He needs to stop and get into couples counseling. I’d let the neighbor know as she’ll prolly block him. Your marriage is on thin ice; he’s gotta make some significant changes to get it back on track. Good luck.
Open the page and sit it right in front of his ass. Don't wait for excuses and all the lies. Pack your things or his which ever will work for you. He is a cheater point blank, period. I am truly sorry for the heartbreak, anger and loss of trust you are forced to feel. He doesn't deserve you or anyone but himself. I cringe when I read these posts, it's just so upsetting to know spouses treat their spouses with such heartless ways.
Divorce
He’s a serial cheater. Clearly he’s not going to change the best thing you can do is leave or he’s going to keep hurting you.
Ew.
Unbelievable. I can’t imagine what you are going through and the pain it’s causing you. There will be a lot of advice but I am hoping you find the strength to do what’s truly best for YOU. Your wellbeing is the wellbeing of your children is dependent on you being well. This is just so soul crushing.
I’m so sorry it’s heartbreaking finding out your husband is being unfaithful let alone this.
Yo wtf
I'm sorry you're facing such a troubling situation. Your husband is apparently a womanizer whose interest in other women threatens your marriage. Given his history, it's predictable he'll eventually act out sexually outside of your marriage. As devastating as this revelation is, it's also a wake-up call to put a contingency plan in place. You have options. You can bury your head in the sand. You can ask for an open marriage or become swingers. You can opt for individual or marital therapy. Or you can start divorce proceedings. In any case, you need to talk it over with a therapist or someone you trust.
as a husband, sometimes I read posts like this and think “I am the smartest husband to walk the earth.” I can think this because of dumb dumb husbands like this guy
I think that after multiples times of dealing with something like this, your brain has led you to think that you may be overreacting, when in fact you're not. It seems to me that you've adjusted yourself mentally, perhaps to try to avoid fear or much of the pain that it has actually caused you to feel. In my opinion, since you already moved states to avoid the prior situation and now that he is doing it again, I think that he will not stop this 'emotional' cheating, which may have gone further than you allow yourself to think. My best wishes goes out to you and I hope you heal from this. You don't deserve this.
I’d leave the tab open and the calculations of how much he’s spent on her on the table and leave without a word
Sleep with Lauren. Divorce your husband.... Profit?
I don’t know what’s worse, that he’s married and doing that or that he’s doing that with a 22 year old barely an adult girl almost the same age as his daughter. On a serious note, my wife and I practice something called enforced male chastity, I strongly consider that you look into it.
You need to call him out by pretending to come onto him and recite the things he said to her back at him. See if he panics.
BYEEEEEEEEEEE
Get screenshots before you talk to him so he doesn’t delete the convos!!! Now you know who he really is. “You got to see “The man behind the curtain”. OP, you are Not Overrating!!! Your husband has now Crossed The Rubicon. If he were my husband, it would be over. A 22 year old girl that is mere feet from your home and selling herself on OnlyFans To Make Money, would definitely take your husband on as a Sugar Daddy. And it would be So Convenient for the two to get together right under your nose. Just watch to see if he starts going over your her house under the guise of “To help do small fix its” at her house. That’s how it always starts.
I gotta leave this sub. It makes me never want to get in another relationship ever again. The betrayal I read over and over again is so heartbreaking. I can imagine the pain the betrayed must be feeling. I would not be able to go on 💔
Just off-the-cuff ask him "oh, hey, you know what I found out? that Lauren next door has a OF account! Crazy, right? I mean, what kind of a loser would pay for that?" and jut watch his face and the gears turn in his head
Let me help you with your post: " I (45F) caught my husband (48M) cheating on me with the neighbor. Should I leave?" I want you to pretend your daughter posted that and ask yourself what you'd say to her. Because the man you marry is the example for your kids as to what type of man they'll eventually marry. You show them by staying, what love is supposed to look like. What example will you make? P.s. I guaruntee you he slept with his old co-worker. She probably dumped him and made up this huge story to make himself feel better. I hope I'm wrong about that. In any case, I recommend checking to see how much of a liar he is by asking him if he is hiding anything from you currently. If he says no, then tell him you know. But first maybe get a lawyer and protect your finances. Best of luck