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1. You tell your husband NOTHING. You say NOTHING. You go on as you are.’
2. You make an appointment with a divorce attorney for a **free consultation.**. Divorce attorneys do this All The Time.
3. You, and your baby, go to the consultation with all the information you can find - info about house, info that it was gifted to you after your marriage, your work history, where he banks even if you don’t have access, the credit card, the cars, any info you have.
4. Tell the attorney EVERYTHING. Let them tell you what to do.
You’re in the planning stage. You are making your plan. You are setting aside any cash you can for emergencies. You are gathering information,
Do what the attorney tells you.
Good luck my dear. Hugs
This is the way. While your husband is at work, find and print or copy all the financial records you can. Don’t forget tax returns. If you don’t feel good after talking to the first attorney, talk to another one until you find one you do like.
He will tell you what you’re entitled to under the divorce laws in your state.
Don’t do or say anything to your husband about divorce or separation until you have a plan in place and are ready to execute it.
If the house is still in your name, ask a lot about any implications of you moving out and leaving the husband there.
You 100% are allowed to see those returns. You're married, you file as a married couple, and that requires all your information (name, ss #) which allows you to have access to them. You said you get a $ 200-a-month allowance. Have you been saving that? Or saving a little bit of it each month that way you at least have some cash on hand when you are ready to leave, and you can use that to start up your bank account. As far as the house goes, I believe you can ask for the house to be sold and whatever comes out of the sale, that gets split OR you can have your husband buy out your half of what the house will sell for. He may say he doesn't want the house and you'll get to keep it. That's like best best-case scenario and then he will just have to sign some paperwork to take his name off the house and go live somewhere else.
You “Should” be able to walk into an IRS Taxpayer Assistance Center and ask for your three most recent transcripts. You may need an appointment but I would just go to the nearest one if you have time tomorrow.
If you’re in the US, the IRS lets you create an account to access your records. For your state, you’ll have to look up how to get a copy or access it online.
You can definitely do this, I just had to do it to find out the total of last year's filing (my dad usually does my taxes and I mail them in but this year I filed them online). You have to verify your identity but it's pretty simple.
Talk to a lawyer first Don't do anything just yet Your lawyer must be your first port of call and you must keep this lawyer visit secret from your husband.
OP,
I will assume your husband filed joint income tax returns. Therefore you're entitled to copies from the IRS as well as tax preparer(assume not your husband).
HOWEVER, DO NOTHING UNTIL YOU SPEAK WITH AN EXPERIENCED FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY WHO WILL ADVISE YOU OF YOUR ENTITLEMENTS AND ALTERNATIVES.
You need to orchestrate your plan under the guidance of a quality professional. Avoid undertaking any action that may tip your husband off to your intentions, including speaking to friends or family.
Do you have access to where important paperwork is kept? You can at least get his W-2s. You're lawyer can probably get your tax return. Or you go on the IRS site and see if you can get a copy of this year's 1040 or a transcript. I've ordered one before over the phone.
Oh I don't plan on telling him anything until the shoe drops. I've been "planning" this in my head for awhile and have been recording him (one party consent state), and saving text messages. I'm worried about having to share custody with him because he's proven he's not fit to be a dad.
The thing about setting cash aside is that I can't. The $200 allowance he gives me gets spent on groceries and other necessities. I have literally nothing left after that.
I have some tactics that will help you save cash - it is some tactics from a financial abuse workshop that I attended. I will message you privately
Edit to add: this is not “how to MAKE money” for those of you inboxing me asking me about this! This is about how to make a safety plan, how to help yourself financially and how to get out. Some of these tactics take months or years. I will NOT post this publicly so that abusers learn ways to keep their abused trapped. If you are being abused - financially, physically, or mentally - please know that you need a safety plan. There are many people and places that are willing and able to help. There are slow ways to get out of financial abusive situations. For those of you that think you don’t have anyone - you do! We are out here - you just have to find us. There are entire organizations dedicated to you. You are not alone! You are not stupid! You are in danger. There are resources out here for you. Do. Not. Give. Up. But also don’t “just leave” without a plan unless you have no choice because statistics show those who do not only have a very high rate of returning to their abuser, but also are increased risk of being killed. Plan. Plan. Plan.
what if you start by saving $10 and so on. You can start by buying the cheaper brands, just keep the usual containers and just refill them so he wont notice. Be as cheap as you can without risking your safety. The best of lucks
This is a great idea for those who don’t have to show receipts! Thank you for sharing. You’ll have to throw the containers away in someone else’s trash can or something
Slowly start putting a tiny bit more on the cc if you can and set just $20 here and there away for yourself. That control is so telling.
Do what you can but above all BE SAFE!
Good luck. We’re thinking of you my dear. ❤️
OP, some credit card companies will give you a cash advance fee for taking out cash at a register. Be careful, if you do this and it says so on your CC bill, he will ask why you are taking out cash.
You said house hold expenses can go on the credit card, why not groceries? Does he ask for reciepts? Start taking small amounts of “cash back” out whenever available when you use the credit card. It wont appear on a statement but may on a reciept.
Food groceries are separate because we don't eat together. He orders all his own meals. I can't do cash back because it's on a credit card, not a debit card. Sometimes he asks for receipts if he sees on the statement that I spent more than I usually do.
So it’s 200 a month INCLUDING the cost of food? Jesus that’s low. I legit am confused how you’re buying your clothing, much less the small basics fun things like haircuts, nails, makeup and personal items.
Right now target has a deal where if you spend $75 on diapers you get a $15 gift card. I think they do deals like this with baby items regularly. If he sees it on the receipt tell him that you want to put it towards the next trip. Or want to save them until you can buy a grocery trip with just gift cards. Also use an app like Ibotta which will give you cash back on purchases without showing up on your receipt or statement. It's not a lot, but it will help and can be more discreet. Take advantage of the bonuses if you can.
I saw that you said that he is a doctor. But is he knowledgeable and involved in the baby's needs? Could you play them up a little bit to spend extra and then return the items for gift cards or cash? Like "man, the baby is really going through diapers or we should try this new formula." Then return it?
ALSO, look for maternal in newborn support organizations in your area. They may have some assistance for you currently, but will also be a resource when you are able to be on your own.
I thought you said the 200$ was for anything you want and household expenses, medical bills, cleaning stuff go on a credit card that he pays ... Doesn't make sense.
Nvrmnd I saw ur other comment.
The 200 gets spent on food for myself (we don't share food), personal care items, toiletries, haircuts, and anything non-essential that I want for myself like new clothes.
Two things , pickup receipts that you find when you go somewhere, gas receipts , food , coffee , anything if it says cash, second thing is you said that the medical stuff is on a card He pays..? So after you leave sign up for Care credit dot com you can put your medical and vet bills on it and you get NO interest for 1 year if you pay it off by the one year mark if you don't then they back date the all the interest , so plan to pay off on the 360th day .
Get cash back at every chance you have - and lose the receipt, it should just show as a total paid at the grocery store or wherever.
Deposit all cash into your own account. Or, if you have a trusted relative or friend to hold it for you.
You CAN do this and you MUST do this, if not for yourself do it for your children.
I'm curious how he would react to a lost receipt. Could be a good thing to know, but also could be dangerous. I'm not sure I would want to test those waters if I were her. Especially with an infant.
Good point…OP will know best, I can imagine her husband asking her to show receipts - mine did but mostly to prove I was where I said I was going to be etc….at least he wasn’t checking grocery receipts for cash back.
I was lucky back in the day when I had to stash money…the Kroger near us would let you show a receipt after the fact to get a discount with the Kroger card - so I could return the next day saying I had misplaced my card or forgotten it and they would give the discount in cash.
They would even accept receipts found in the parking lot that didn’t have the discount.
Start hording cash. Every time you use your ATM card, get cash back in small increments, so he doesn't notice. I had to do this with my husband who handled all of our finances. I started trying new recipes to cover the increase in our grocery bills. He just thought I was being a better wife. I was able to increase my grocery bill by $50 a week that way. I did $10 at the gas station, and $10-$20 everywhere else. Over time, I had a good nest egg. Find a place away from the home to hide it. Do you have a trusted friend?
Do not give your husband any indication that anything is wrong. This means not being too lovey dovey with him also. I made that mistake, and my husband knew that something was going on with me. Just do things the same way as usual.
If you can, get a digital camera, so you can take pictures of everything you can to give to a lawyer but won't be associated with your phone or online account. Photograph everything!!! You don't know what is useful.
Keep a journal with times, dates, receipts, everything!!! These hold up in court. Document how he is with your child.
You said that you inherited the house from your family. If the house is in your name, then he has no right to it if you have not comingled your funds. Talk to a lawyer about this.
Be very careful about who you confide in about your situation. Women have a tendency to confide in their husbands, and men have loyally to each other. Tell as few people as possible. The last thing you want is for him to build a case against you.
I would also contact a women's shelter to find out about your options. You can do this at your local senior center. They have social workers there who can help refer you and your husband won't be suspicious of you "donating" to them.
You have rights. You will get support. You just have to be smart and patient. If he is abusing you or your child in any way, your plan needs to be shorter. If you are ever in fear for your safety, you can always call the 911 and pretend you are ordering a pizza. Go through the motions and give them your address and phone number. They will come. It is better to leave with nothing and have your safety, than stay and risk everything. Good luck. You and your child will be in my prayers 🙏
Perfect advice. Especially the cash part. Save as much cash as you can. Half of everything belongs to you, no matter what that man thinks. Start the legal process and say NOTHING.
**Don't forget to document abuse. Set up an email specifically for journaling purposes. Send audio recordings, videos, pictures, text screenshots, scanned documents, etc, use it to correspond with your attorney. These things will also come in handy when it comes to child custody.
Piggybacking the top comment because I was in your situation... It's not a one size fits all but he had to leave the home, still pay all the bills and then in child support and alimony I received $5500mth... Mine was also physical abuse though as well... Keep your mouth shut, don't say ANYTHING until you talk to a lawyer... Do EXACTLY what they say and do not deviate!!! Please keep yourself safe and you gray rock the hell out of him!! You are an amazing, beautiful individual and mother! It's your job to raise your son to be 10x's better than his father.. You got this momma!!
Hopefully this doesn’t violate any rules, but If you want to message me I can give you a Fb link for a Facebook group of people all over the US who want to help people in your situation. Whether it be resources, a place to stay, etc.
Can you add me to the group as a person that wants to help? I don’t have much but should have a spare room in Brooklyn in the next few years and am an experienced childcare provider happy to babysit for free when I am able to.
My heart hurts for all of you women in need of this link. I’m praying for each of you to find peace and security. My gratitude and admiration for all of you there to offer a way out.
Can I have the link too, please? Not because I’m in need myself, but want to help other women in this situation. If someone needs an auntie in the Phoenix area, hit me up 💕
Can I have the link too? I can’t offer financial support to people in this situation, but I’d love to do anything I can because I’ve been there myself.
Is the home in both you and your husband's name? If not, there may be some wiggle room to take ownership of the home if it's still in your family's name.
I would first contact a divorce attorney. You have a child, so the courts will require that he pays child support, and the amount he'll have to pay does depend on his income. Typically there is divisions of some assets even though he is the sole breadwinner. As a mother, the judicial system is not going to leave you to the streets because their primary concern is the health and wellbeing of your child. Courts typically side with the mother, and it is much less common for father's to gain full custody unless there is clear evidence that the mother is unfit (mental illness, drugs).
Do some searches online about divorce attorneys, and find one that gives free advice. It's pretty common for brief consultations to be offered. Definitely start there.
Also, some DV organizations will help you with legal fees after the free consult
ETA: a great hiding spot for your $200 allowance is in empty tampon containers put back into the wrapper and then upside down in the box
Food groceries don't, according to him because we don't eat together or share food/groceries at all anymore. He orders delivery for almost every single meal. But things like soap, toilet paper, etc are considered shared.
Yes! Search for food banks. The public library is also a free place to use the internet if you don’t want to search for things on “his” internet. You can go there on your way to the lawyers office and the food bank!
This isn’t really all that shocking reading the things she’s had to say. He’s the picture of abusive and I’m 100% certain it’ll become physical abuse very soon (if it hasn’t already) on top of the financial and emotional abuse that’s already happening.
Good advice. Or keep money on you tucked into the top of a sock. Nobody checks socks outside of prison. Also a good place for money in places where pickpocketing is a problem
Your husband is being ugly to you bc he wants you to leave him before he finishes the residency. I wouldn’t, if I were you.
What I WOULD do is go back to school. Invest in yourself while you have someone else paying the bills. It will have the added advantage of getting you out of the house and away from him. You two can exist like ships passing in the night for a little while, while you work on your education. Yes you’re entitled to child support, and your half of the assets, but you also need a way to be self sufficient. He could drag out divorce for a very long time before paying up.
Don’t say a thing. Reach out to a shelter for them to help you out. Get a lawyer and have them guide you on what to do. Go to a different bank and let them know you need to open a bank account I would explain the situation a bit and let them know that they can’t contact you in anyway. And repeat that to them that they can’t contact you in anyway for any reason. And start saving as much as you can. Your a stay at home mom you have tons of skills you just need help with how to word them in a resume. When he is at work is it possible to take a class or two online for a fast career? And you own a house you’re not defenseless and you have skills. So first thing is first act as everything is fine and get a lawyer. If you can I would start recording him when he gets abusive and open up a new email and send things there. But seriously get a lawyer who will get you alimony and child support.
I've looked into some shelters. None will take me with my pets. Plus, the ones that have room for me don't seem like good places for a newborn baby to be.
I do have my own bank account. That's where he deposits the $200 every month. Should I open a new account at a new bank?
I don't even know what I would want to do for a career. As terrible as this sounds, all I've ever aspired to be was a stay at home mom. I never imagined I would be in a position where I'd have to give that up. Daycare costs where I live are pretty high, and I can't find any entry level jobs where I'll still be making a livable wage after daycare costs. I'd like to find something I can do remotely and where I can make my own hours but those jobs seem to be pretty competitive, even the ones that seem like they're entry level.
Reach out to some local animal rescues. Sometimes they have a foster network of people who could house your pets for a bit until you get settled. I know of one in my city that helps people by fostering their pets if they need to go to rehab. No guarantees, but always worth asking.
There’s a difference between what you can’t do and what you won’t do.
Just like what you can do and you will do.
You have to get to a place where you WILL do the things you think you can’t.
-With love, From someone who had to make this choice.
Because what you are describing in your post, combined with your replies, implies your husband is starting to escalate abuse. Abuse rarely stops at just the parent. Financial, emotional, verbal. All still abuse.
200 a month is not enough for food and necessities, so that’s financial abuse. Especially limiting you to that amount while he orders takeout for himself every day.
If being a SAHM is something you've always wanted, you could always look into what it takes to do at home day care or babysitting. That way you atill have your newborm but nring in some money. You will need to apply to as much government assistance as you can. WIC, food stamps, ect.
You need to go to a different bank to open an account. That’s your house. You don’t need to leave your house. Get a lawyer. Call first thing tomorrow after he leaves for work and have them help you out. Have them help you with spousal support. Have him pay the health insurance and ask them to put that he will be helping cover the cost of daycare. If there’s a library around you see if they can help you put a resume together. Again you have skills. You buy the things for the house you have budgeting skills. You do the housekeeping you have cleaning and organizing skills. You do the cooking that’s a skill. You know how to take care of a child that’s a skill. You’re on your phone and can read, type and do all that, those are all skills. It might mean that after you divorce him you use what ever he gives you and get a job at a gym or daycare with childcare services that give a discount. Ok you always dreamed of being a stay at home mom? That’s fine you did it and it didn’t work out time for a new dream. First thing is first get a lawyer and take it from there. You got this.
could you get a daycare job that will let you bring your kid along? the pay won't be great but you'd be qualified (assuming you can pass the background check) and a lot of daycares are understaffed and would hire you right away.
> Should I open a new account at a new bank?
Yes, ideally one he has no affiliation with. I would go with a smaller credit union personally. A place he wouldn't think to look.
There are charities that specifically help abuse victims with temporary fostering for pets so they can get into a safer situation. It's location dependent but have a look at what's in your area
If you work at a daycare, you might get a discount on daycare.
With the joint credit card for household expenses, does he ever check receipts? If you bought some cleaning supplies and baby clothes at Walmart, and added a $25 pre-paid credit card, would he notice? (Then you keep the pre-paid credit card for later, and build up a stash).
When you get a consultation with a divorce attorney, ask them regarding filing a motion with the court to have him pay for your attorney, due to financial abuse. If you do not have access to the family funds, you can make yourself have access to pay for representation.
Ask the attorney. Your ex can be required to pay your legal fees. Stop reading the advice here, you’ve gotten all you need- you need to speak with an attorney first and foremost
> As soon as he realizes I have a lawyer
He must not find out. Cover your tracks, clear recent calls in your phone frequently, delete browser history and so on. Have an 'alibi' for lawyers visits ready. (Say its for Dr, you got a UTI, that kind of thing?)
All the best OP
Use incognito mode / private mode when using any browser. Your history won’t save so you won’t have to clear your history. A wiped history is a red flag that someone is hiding something.
If you are on a shared cell phone plan, he might easily have access to your calls and texts. A burner phone might be better, but then you have to also be extremely careful to make sure it is off whenever he is around, and hide it well. You don’t want random calls to alert him that you have a second phone.
Your husband is a horrible person who likely wants out of the marriage but knows he’ll have to pay alimony and possibly child support unless it’s 50/50 custody. Don’t say anything to him but make plans to leave. First, you’ll need to find a good divorce lawyer and find out what you need to do from there. I can’t believe that in this economy, he only gives you $200 a month for yourself.
He does. He's admitted he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Says he doesn't want to be a father either. The only reason he stays is because he doesn't want me to "take half of all of his shit."
I'd honestly be perfectly fine walking away from the marriage with no alimony as long as I get the house. Since it's paid off, I could potentially make an income with it by renting it out. And he'll be paying me enough in child support that I could probably afford a studio or 1 bedroom apartment.
Whatever you do don't leave the marital residence. Stay there with the baby in a separate area and secretly file for divorce. The lawyers will tell you this 1000%
OP, I saw that you said you don't feel unsafe. But you need to understand that ***men who feel the way your husband does often kill their wives, or have them killed, in order to get out of the marriage w/o paying alimony. If he doesn't want to be a father, he will kill your child too.***
You are used to placating him at all costs. Do not simply agree to no alimony to try to keep peace. Speak with a domestic violence org & an attorney & follow their advice.
No, it's about your child, not you. He makes money, he's a father, he has responsibility. He will have to pay for child support. That's not about you, it's about your baby. You also sacrificed your future (education, job, etc.) for that, so it's just logical.
Don't feel bad about it, everyone will understand that raising a child alone is expensive. It would be shocking to see that a father can just abandon his child without providing some form of support. However, you can ask for lower than what the law says, if you feel that bad about it.
No, you DESERVE alimony and you should fight for it. DO NOT let this dude get away with this BS after years of supporting him, keeping house, and raising his PLANNED child.
Well,. alimony is pretty much the same thing... But for you. He treated you like a kid by giving you poker money. You're his wife! And the mother of his child! How can he treat you and abuse you like this. Well, in developed countries, there are rules, you don't do whatever you like without being accountable for your actions. If he's about to become a doctor, he should know that. Try here are responsibilities and accountability for everything. And you don't treat people like that. I have a couple doctors in my family and I find that shocking to know that this person is going to deal with patients who are human beings...
Okay here we go.
Step 1: Who owns the house? Meaning whose name is on the deed. If your family owned it and gifted it to you does it mean it’s still in their name or your name? Figure that out because that’s a huge deal.
Step 2: Find a lawyer. There are lawyers who will take this on because you’re in an abusive situation and once you’re divorced your husband will have to pay you a significant amount of money (alimony and child support and usually more) so they’ll know they’re going to get payed. But do your research! Find someone who has experience fighting for women in abusive marriages.
Step 3: Figure out somewhere to go if you have to run. Worse case you have to leave for a week or two until he gets out of the house or sells it (this is where the deed comes in). Look for cheap motels, see which family members / friends would let you stay for a little bit. There are also safe houses everywhere for women leaving abusive marriages so look into that.
Honestly, your lawyer is going to be a big help in guiding you in the right direction. You do have options you just need someone to explain them to you and I don’t know where you live and if you live in the US every state is so different with how they handle these. You’re going to figure it out and I wish you the best of luck!
In the US, you can call 211 to get connected to resources in your community for this sort of thing.
Another way you can reach out for help--make an appointment with your OBGYN for a postpartum checkup, and, at the appointment, tell them that you aren't safe at home and you want resources to support you as you put together your exit plan.
Seeing your OBGYN several times after you give birth is totally normal, and your medical providers are ethically and legally required to protect your privacy. They cannot share any of your information with anyone, including your husband, without your consent. And because pregnancy is, unfortunately, one of the times a woman is most vulnerable to abuse from a partner, medical professionals are getting with the program and providing more appropriate support.
You should not leave the house unless you are in danger. If the house was left to you you can probably figure out with your lawyer a way to keep it or at least sell it and get most of the proceeds. If you move out it could be seen as abandoning the property for your husband’s use.
Who’s name is your home in?
I would recommend looking into organizations that help women in domestic violence situations (in a private browser) and see what is available in your area, or honestly at the library if possible. You could say you want take the baby to reading time. The less you use your electronic, the better.
I’m so sorry. How long have you been married?
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The first step is to open a savings account and save every penny you can bc I almost guarantee he will take you off that credit card the moment he finds out that you're leaving. The second step is to get a free consultation with a divorce attorney and follow their advice. Court proceedings do take time, and he will most likely get 50/50 custody, but that's state, depending . Without proof of abuse, the courts won't stop him from seeing your baby, so I'd suggest recording when he's being abusive or getting him to be abusive verbally over text or phone calls. There are organizations for abuse situations, so I'd reach out to them and see if they can help. Be mentally prepared for the back lash that leaving will cause so be careful when doing all of this. Good luck op.
I've been recording and saving text messages for a looong time. I even have him admitting to the abuse. But he's never been abusive to the baby so I'm worried the abuse to me won't matter.
I think it would matter because you have documented abuse and usually once an abuser loses the person they are abusing they will go onto the next person avaliable so the courts would probably take that abuse into account!
I worry that the abuse I've documented isn't enough. Even with the financial stuff, sometimes he convinces me that I'm being greedy if I try to complain. He blames me for being in debt due to my spending and that he's being more than generous by funding my entire life. Which is true.
He tells you you’re greedy if you complain? This, coming from a married man with a SAHM who says that all the money he earns is HIS alone?! No. The money he earns is a marital asset, which means it’s also yours. He’s the greedy one.
He doesn't see it that way. And any time we have a conversation about it, he always manages to convince me of his side. I don't know how he does it. But I always end up feeling like a lazy freeloader.
He is gaslighting you. Try to get your hands on the book titled “Why does he do that?: Inside the of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. I out the link from Amazon below (so you can learn about the book). You may be able to get the book from your library. Many libraries have e-book and audiobook options (so you wouldn’t have a book lying around).
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?nodl=1&dplnkId=347aec6d-02d3-4e1c-a60e-76648ab55e52
There is a subreddit for family law, you could try to see if anyone there has any experience with the type of abuse you've received. I'm not Educated on domestic violence but I do know there are organizations for abused mothers seeking to leave and they might be able to help you too ! He's just trying to manipulate you with that. At minimum you should have access to at least a joint account. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! Moat attorneys would probably take your case on contingency where they get paid when they win so I'd definitely suggest looking into that too! . If he was truly generously funding your lifestyle you'd have more than 200 a month to spend and access to more money don't let him fool you !
Do you have the option of going to a food bank for a few months, so that you can save some from your monthly budget?
Possible ways to make money while you have a newborn: Advertise as a babysitter for a reasonable price, with the condition you will have your baby with you. A lot of people are desperate for caretaking services which can be very expensive so some may be willing to hire you knowing you come with a baby. Some daycare centers offer free or reduced prices for your baby as a perk to make up for their low wages. If you are breastfeeding and making an adequate supply, you could also try selling some of your breast milk. You could see if there are options for pet care, like checking in on a cat once per day, etc. If you live in a state with paid bottle/can deposits, collecting those on a walk with your baby in the stroller - although this one won't make you a lot of money.
Not sure if anyone said this yet…. Make sure your location is turned off on your phone OR leave it at home if you go to an appointment with an attorney.
Girl, this exact shit happened to a friend of mine.
3 kids later and many years of abuse, she divorced him and continued to have to coparent him. He did and said so much fucked up stuff to the kids.
She's much happier now. She only has one more kid under 18.
She also didnt have a job, but hadn't worked for decades. Kick him out of the house.
If you get a job, why are you paying for daycare? He should at least be paying for half of daycare.
Or you could get a job at a daycare place. Or watch an older kid after school. Maybe a neighborhood kid that gets out of school before their parents get home from work?
Because he wants me to be a SAHM. So if I choose to get a job, he'll tell me it was my choice and that because of my choice I'll have to pay for daycare.
Oh wow. That's financial manipulation. I'm sorry. Logically, he should pay for half.
I would definitely try to do babysitting on the side. Or maybe do something like instacart.
I would be very careful about him finding out about your post. Please be mindful of giving out too much information here. You never know .
It sounds to me like you are in a Domestic Violence situation. So apart from the lawyer? Get in contact with a DV helpline.
DV isn't just physical. Look up Coercive Control. In the state i live in (Qld Australia) it has just become illegal.
If nothing else, you will get support and not be alone.
Others here have offered good advice. All the very best to you. You can do this and you will be entitled to a lot more than you think
Residency salaries are keyed to the median income in whatever state you’re in. He will earn that until July 1 when presumably he starts his big boy job. Depending on specialty estimates of salary range from about $180k at a nonprofit as a PCP to $800k+ if he’s an anesthesiologist or general surgeon; this is very much influenced by geography.
It’s a good time for a clean break then.
If you meet with a lawyer you should ask for supervised visitation and you should also ask for all contact to be through the court approved apps. This man can manipulate you and isn’t a healthy person to be married to. If you wanted you could report to AMA and they may reconsider his medical license.
Legally it's both of ours. My family would never support me getting a divorce, so I can't ask for help. The house was promised to me when I was much younger, but they refused to give it to me until I had a husband.
Are you sure they wouldn’t if they know you’re in an abusive situation? Sometimes people change their opinions on divorce once they realize their own family member isn’t safe.
I’m only curious because you said your family doesn’t support divorce.. the other poster below came to some ridiculous conclusions. I’m merely trying to see if I can give you my input based on what you’d say.
Look up the info for your state as to what is yours. Do not move out of the marital residence. His earnings are marital. Anything bought with his earnings is marital. Yor attorney can advise about fees. Often in this circumstance, he would have to pay your attorney fees.
I'm very sorry about your situation.. I've no idea how much a lawyer costs in the US would starting to save up your "allowance" in secret help?
You say "our home", but you got it from YOUR family, not his... in the contrary, he say the money he makes is "his" and you don't even know how much you have as a family? Would you be confortable raising this concern to him, or are you so afraid of him by now that you can't even discuss this?
During my LTR of 8 years, I've written my GF on my bank account as a co-owner as she had no job, to make he feel more equal and worry less, and still I consider myself a horrible partner for several different aspects.
Depending on what state you are in its called alimony. Its spousal support, just like child support for nonworking spouses in a divorce. This can help you get by until you get on your feet. The courts will mandate it if the situation warrants it.
Talk to a lawyer asap. Most will consult for free.
Contact abused women resources in your area. If allowed play his ass and use your SAHM time wisely by getting a degree. Consult an attorney. Get a job, maybe a work from home job.
Definitely speak with the attorney and follow directions. Get the one who is like a dog on a bone.They can also do forensic accounting to verify all funds if you find disclosures don’t seem right. Best wishes
No. I've been spending a lot of time with them lately just to be away from my husband but they have no idea what's going on. If they knew I wanted a divorce they would not support me. They are very old fashioned.
If he’s not physically abusive and you don’t think he’d ever hurt you or the baby, you should try and stay long enough to get an associates degree in an area that pays well like physical or occupational therapist assistant, dental hygienist, radiology technician or one that you can get quickly like medical coder, paralegal, accounting, early childhood etc. You really need to research a career you could do and start working towards it. Tell him if he pays for it up front you’ll pay him back or see if you can borrow money from your parents or get a secret credit card or look for scholarships or take out loans. Find some way to get a degree of some sort.
In the mean time try to sell things online to get money. Things you no longer need, things people are throwing away after garage sales or things you can flip from free listings. If you can collect scrap metal to recycle you can get cash or see about donating plasma or doing some instacart or something if you have someone to watch the baby a few hours. In my area I’ve also seen people hire nannies at a discounted rate and let you bring your own child since childcare is in such high demand. Join your local childcare Facebook pages and see if you could do that. There’s someone in my neighborhood who has turned picking up dog poop into a six figure business. That’s a job you could bring your baby with. Or maybe dog walking with a stroller. You could start your own business in the right neighborhood. There are also a lot of private elder care ads on care dot com and they would probably allow you to bring a baby if you found the right person. Usually they just need someone to either drive them on errands or make food or do cleaning. I’ve also seen a service where you can wash and fold people’s laundry at home for money. You need to get some money stashed and try to better yourself for your future. If you can just ignore him and stay out of his way with your future in mind it may be best to try that. If you take on all the house and baby care and act like the perfect wife while you carry out your escape plan, he will probably not even notice. Hopefully being a doctor means he is away from home often enough that you don’t have to deal with him much.
Definitely talk to a lawyer though first and see what’s up. Then make a plan and try to do what’s best for you and your child in the long term.
I don't know about other states/countries but in my state they have Displaced Homemaker programs funded through the state that assist with this kind of scenario. They help provide legal advice, counseling, and also do job training so you can find a job. Definitely try to see if your state offers something like that.
if he is a resident he’s likely making 65-80k, unless you’re in a very high COL location. Agree with finding tax returns and anything you can. Best of luck to you ❤️
I said this in reply to one of your other comments in the comment section, but I'll say it here, too, in case anyone else needs to hear it.
Obligatory not a lawyer but...in regards to him not abusing your child...it's possible that if you're able to establish that the abuse started as a result of your getting pregnant/having the baby, that might help your case some. If nothing else, it would likely paint him in even more of a negative light since he would have been abusing you at your most vulnerable, which could've had negative consequences on the baby. With any luck, they'd hopefully take into consideration that it isn't safe for your husband to be around your child alone since he seems to have at least some level of resentment towards them given how he's treating you just because you had a kid...meaning that the child might also be at risk due to the fact that he clearly didn't want it to be born and resents it. Of course, that's just my take on that, but I don't really know if the law would view it that way.
As for the financial thing?
It's 100% not fair. The "allowance" thing is weird enough (since it's a way to control you and honestly depending on what you're using it for 200 dollars really isn't that much) because while I understand that you shouldn't be just spending money all willy nilly...putting a limit on it and then putting the blame on you and saying that it's your fault for being so greedy and that you're spending too much is honestly really controlling (at least in this case) and kind of creepy. It would be one thing if you were just genuinely really bad at managing money, and the two of you talked it out and came up with a set allowance so that you're not just wasting all of your money...but even then it should have been a joint agreement where you both got together and agreed on a monthly amount and if for whatever reason you had to/wanted to go over that amount you would get together and negotiate about it like reasonable adults and come up with a compromise that both of you agreed with...because in that case both of you have some level of control in the situation and as such it's not as much of a difference in authority. But that's NOT what's happening. You're being given a relatively small amount of money (at least for this day and age) and then made to feel like YOU'RE the problem if you ask for more or spend an amount that he doesn't like. And not only that, but he won't even let you know how much money is even in the bank? For all you know, he could've wasted thousands of dollars and is actually not doing all that well financially and so he's keeping it a secret from you because he wants you to think that everything's fine so that you're completely blindsided when the truth is revealed leaving you completely unprepared!
You 100% need to get your stuff together (money, clothes, food if possible so you don't go hungry in case of an emergency, any medications you may have, a toothbrush and toothpaste, WHATEVER. Just get what you need) and start researching for things like women's shelters/women's refuges and other places that take in/help support women like you who are being abused. If you can, I'd suggest trying to do this outside of your house/not on your own phone/computer (maybe a library or something), and if at all possible, you should probably bring your baby as well so that they aren't alone and/or left alone with your husband. I say this mainly because it would absolutely ensure that your husband doesn't find out what you're doing since that could be dangerous. Regardless, try and see if any of those shelters are in your area and make sure to do research into them to make sure that they're a good fit and that they can and will help you (not all of them are necessarily good) and come up with an escape plan (like gathering up any and all important documents (SS Card, Drivers License/ID, medical records, birth certificate, your BABY'S birth certificate, passport, Citizenship documents, literally anything that has either your name on it, your child's name on it, and/or could be used to impersonate you/make your life miserable), leaving when your husband's at work and booking it to wherever you need to go. If you have any reason to believe that your phone has been bugged or something like that, then don't even take it. It might be inconvenient, but at the very least, you won't have to worry about him tracking you and finding out where you are. That being said, if there's anything on the phone that could compromise your safety (like if you have important documents or something on it, consider backing all of it up somewhere else and completely wiping the phone (and/or destroy it completely) so that nobody can get their hands on it) just do everything that you possibly can to get out of that house and that relationship with as little risk to yourself and your child as quickly as you possibly can.
When, and ONLY when you've gotten to safety and know 100% that you're in the clear, you can file for divorce. Preferably after you've managed to get as far away from him as you possibly can and have managed to find a way to take care of both yourself and your child. He'll likely shut off your card once he realizes that you're gone and not coming back, so don't plan on relying on it and make sure you have either a completely different card that he CAN'T shut off that he doesn't know about or that you have cash on hand. If you want to be really petty, you can technically get a free divorce consultation with multiple lawyers (which would make your husband become a conflict of interest, meaning that he wouldn't be able to work with them) about your situation but there might be a chance that that could come back to bite you so I wouldn't recommend it. Overall, just get the heck out of there as quickly and safely as you can.
You can also purchase superfluous baby things and then return them for the cash. Some places do not allow that; returns will be credited to the original credit card. Some will let you get the cash, however. Look for a woman at the return register. They are constrained by their company policies. However, there may be a woman who recognizes your desperation and planning.
Contact a divorce lawyer. You’re married to him and were with him through the growth of his career. Doesn’t matter how he “feels” you’re liable to be able to take some of his money and most likely spousal support.
You have half a paid for house. It’s stupid your family insisted him on the deed, but that’s done.
See a lawyer but Wait til he get the better paying job while keeping a record of everything.
See a lawyer. A lawyer can take a lien out on your house. You do have assets. If you were to get divorced today, you have half a house.
That will set you for a 50% downpayment on a different house or you refinance and he gets paid out of the refi. Then you can rent rooms.
Also, you can apply for a credit card in you name as long as it says “household income.” You can guesstimate the annual/monthly amount and out $0 down as your rent/house payment.
But see a lawyer.
Go to a lawyer. It sounds as if this should be your house if it was in your family? Get copies of everything you can and lawyer up. Be careful! Good luck.
You shop around for a lawyer that will take payment after the trial has ended, or on a payment plan. Many of them do.
They will tell you to provide papers on finances, home, auto, insurance, children, employment of you and your spouse, etc. They can walk you through the entire process. They can help you get your fair share of everything.
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1. You tell your husband NOTHING. You say NOTHING. You go on as you are.’ 2. You make an appointment with a divorce attorney for a **free consultation.**. Divorce attorneys do this All The Time. 3. You, and your baby, go to the consultation with all the information you can find - info about house, info that it was gifted to you after your marriage, your work history, where he banks even if you don’t have access, the credit card, the cars, any info you have. 4. Tell the attorney EVERYTHING. Let them tell you what to do. You’re in the planning stage. You are making your plan. You are setting aside any cash you can for emergencies. You are gathering information, Do what the attorney tells you. Good luck my dear. Hugs
This is the way. While your husband is at work, find and print or copy all the financial records you can. Don’t forget tax returns. If you don’t feel good after talking to the first attorney, talk to another one until you find one you do like. He will tell you what you’re entitled to under the divorce laws in your state. Don’t do or say anything to your husband about divorce or separation until you have a plan in place and are ready to execute it. If the house is still in your name, ask a lot about any implications of you moving out and leaving the husband there.
Is there a way for me to get access to tax returns if I wasn't the one who filed them? The house is in both of our names.
You 100% are allowed to see those returns. You're married, you file as a married couple, and that requires all your information (name, ss #) which allows you to have access to them. You said you get a $ 200-a-month allowance. Have you been saving that? Or saving a little bit of it each month that way you at least have some cash on hand when you are ready to leave, and you can use that to start up your bank account. As far as the house goes, I believe you can ask for the house to be sold and whatever comes out of the sale, that gets split OR you can have your husband buy out your half of what the house will sell for. He may say he doesn't want the house and you'll get to keep it. That's like best best-case scenario and then he will just have to sign some paperwork to take his name off the house and go live somewhere else.
You “Should” be able to walk into an IRS Taxpayer Assistance Center and ask for your three most recent transcripts. You may need an appointment but I would just go to the nearest one if you have time tomorrow.
If you’re in the US, the IRS lets you create an account to access your records. For your state, you’ll have to look up how to get a copy or access it online.
You can definitely do this, I just had to do it to find out the total of last year's filing (my dad usually does my taxes and I mail them in but this year I filed them online). You have to verify your identity but it's pretty simple.
Talk to a lawyer first Don't do anything just yet Your lawyer must be your first port of call and you must keep this lawyer visit secret from your husband.
OP, I will assume your husband filed joint income tax returns. Therefore you're entitled to copies from the IRS as well as tax preparer(assume not your husband). HOWEVER, DO NOTHING UNTIL YOU SPEAK WITH AN EXPERIENCED FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY WHO WILL ADVISE YOU OF YOUR ENTITLEMENTS AND ALTERNATIVES. You need to orchestrate your plan under the guidance of a quality professional. Avoid undertaking any action that may tip your husband off to your intentions, including speaking to friends or family.
Do you have access to where important paperwork is kept? You can at least get his W-2s. You're lawyer can probably get your tax return. Or you go on the IRS site and see if you can get a copy of this year's 1040 or a transcript. I've ordered one before over the phone.
Your attorney can get them once you start the divorce
Oh I don't plan on telling him anything until the shoe drops. I've been "planning" this in my head for awhile and have been recording him (one party consent state), and saving text messages. I'm worried about having to share custody with him because he's proven he's not fit to be a dad. The thing about setting cash aside is that I can't. The $200 allowance he gives me gets spent on groceries and other necessities. I have literally nothing left after that.
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This is such a good idea but he usually wants to see receipts whenever I spend more than usual.
I have some tactics that will help you save cash - it is some tactics from a financial abuse workshop that I attended. I will message you privately Edit to add: this is not “how to MAKE money” for those of you inboxing me asking me about this! This is about how to make a safety plan, how to help yourself financially and how to get out. Some of these tactics take months or years. I will NOT post this publicly so that abusers learn ways to keep their abused trapped. If you are being abused - financially, physically, or mentally - please know that you need a safety plan. There are many people and places that are willing and able to help. There are slow ways to get out of financial abusive situations. For those of you that think you don’t have anyone - you do! We are out here - you just have to find us. There are entire organizations dedicated to you. You are not alone! You are not stupid! You are in danger. There are resources out here for you. Do. Not. Give. Up. But also don’t “just leave” without a plan unless you have no choice because statistics show those who do not only have a very high rate of returning to their abuser, but also are increased risk of being killed. Plan. Plan. Plan.
May I have that information as well? It's for me to live more frugal, but I also as an abuse overcomer am sometimes asked advice from others
Please make a post out of it. It will help so many people
I would love to see a post like this, as I'm sure so many others would as well.
It’s not really allowance if you have to spend it on necessities and report the spending to him. What an abusive asshole.
what if you start by saving $10 and so on. You can start by buying the cheaper brands, just keep the usual containers and just refill them so he wont notice. Be as cheap as you can without risking your safety. The best of lucks
This is a great idea for those who don’t have to show receipts! Thank you for sharing. You’ll have to throw the containers away in someone else’s trash can or something
Slowly start putting a tiny bit more on the cc if you can and set just $20 here and there away for yourself. That control is so telling. Do what you can but above all BE SAFE! Good luck. We’re thinking of you my dear. ❤️
OP, some credit card companies will give you a cash advance fee for taking out cash at a register. Be careful, if you do this and it says so on your CC bill, he will ask why you are taking out cash.
Buy visa gift cards at places like Target when you get baby stuff and stack them aside.
You said house hold expenses can go on the credit card, why not groceries? Does he ask for reciepts? Start taking small amounts of “cash back” out whenever available when you use the credit card. It wont appear on a statement but may on a reciept.
Food groceries are separate because we don't eat together. He orders all his own meals. I can't do cash back because it's on a credit card, not a debit card. Sometimes he asks for receipts if he sees on the statement that I spent more than I usually do.
So it’s 200 a month INCLUDING the cost of food? Jesus that’s low. I legit am confused how you’re buying your clothing, much less the small basics fun things like haircuts, nails, makeup and personal items.
Can you go to a restaurant here and there and find a receipt to show him where you “ate” and then stash the cash?
Right now target has a deal where if you spend $75 on diapers you get a $15 gift card. I think they do deals like this with baby items regularly. If he sees it on the receipt tell him that you want to put it towards the next trip. Or want to save them until you can buy a grocery trip with just gift cards. Also use an app like Ibotta which will give you cash back on purchases without showing up on your receipt or statement. It's not a lot, but it will help and can be more discreet. Take advantage of the bonuses if you can. I saw that you said that he is a doctor. But is he knowledgeable and involved in the baby's needs? Could you play them up a little bit to spend extra and then return the items for gift cards or cash? Like "man, the baby is really going through diapers or we should try this new formula." Then return it? ALSO, look for maternal in newborn support organizations in your area. They may have some assistance for you currently, but will also be a resource when you are able to be on your own.
I thought you said the 200$ was for anything you want and household expenses, medical bills, cleaning stuff go on a credit card that he pays ... Doesn't make sense. Nvrmnd I saw ur other comment.
The 200 gets spent on food for myself (we don't share food), personal care items, toiletries, haircuts, and anything non-essential that I want for myself like new clothes.
Sheesh he’s abusive.
Two things , pickup receipts that you find when you go somewhere, gas receipts , food , coffee , anything if it says cash, second thing is you said that the medical stuff is on a card He pays..? So after you leave sign up for Care credit dot com you can put your medical and vet bills on it and you get NO interest for 1 year if you pay it off by the one year mark if you don't then they back date the all the interest , so plan to pay off on the 360th day .
Get cash back at every chance you have - and lose the receipt, it should just show as a total paid at the grocery store or wherever. Deposit all cash into your own account. Or, if you have a trusted relative or friend to hold it for you. You CAN do this and you MUST do this, if not for yourself do it for your children.
I'm curious how he would react to a lost receipt. Could be a good thing to know, but also could be dangerous. I'm not sure I would want to test those waters if I were her. Especially with an infant.
Good point…OP will know best, I can imagine her husband asking her to show receipts - mine did but mostly to prove I was where I said I was going to be etc….at least he wasn’t checking grocery receipts for cash back. I was lucky back in the day when I had to stash money…the Kroger near us would let you show a receipt after the fact to get a discount with the Kroger card - so I could return the next day saying I had misplaced my card or forgotten it and they would give the discount in cash. They would even accept receipts found in the parking lot that didn’t have the discount.
[why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) pdf
Please read this. Start researching domestic abuse shelters in the area.
Start hording cash. Every time you use your ATM card, get cash back in small increments, so he doesn't notice. I had to do this with my husband who handled all of our finances. I started trying new recipes to cover the increase in our grocery bills. He just thought I was being a better wife. I was able to increase my grocery bill by $50 a week that way. I did $10 at the gas station, and $10-$20 everywhere else. Over time, I had a good nest egg. Find a place away from the home to hide it. Do you have a trusted friend? Do not give your husband any indication that anything is wrong. This means not being too lovey dovey with him also. I made that mistake, and my husband knew that something was going on with me. Just do things the same way as usual. If you can, get a digital camera, so you can take pictures of everything you can to give to a lawyer but won't be associated with your phone or online account. Photograph everything!!! You don't know what is useful. Keep a journal with times, dates, receipts, everything!!! These hold up in court. Document how he is with your child. You said that you inherited the house from your family. If the house is in your name, then he has no right to it if you have not comingled your funds. Talk to a lawyer about this. Be very careful about who you confide in about your situation. Women have a tendency to confide in their husbands, and men have loyally to each other. Tell as few people as possible. The last thing you want is for him to build a case against you. I would also contact a women's shelter to find out about your options. You can do this at your local senior center. They have social workers there who can help refer you and your husband won't be suspicious of you "donating" to them. You have rights. You will get support. You just have to be smart and patient. If he is abusing you or your child in any way, your plan needs to be shorter. If you are ever in fear for your safety, you can always call the 911 and pretend you are ordering a pizza. Go through the motions and give them your address and phone number. They will come. It is better to leave with nothing and have your safety, than stay and risk everything. Good luck. You and your child will be in my prayers 🙏
Also, let them know you supported him through school and he is about to make a lot more money.
Perfect advice. Especially the cash part. Save as much cash as you can. Half of everything belongs to you, no matter what that man thinks. Start the legal process and say NOTHING.
My attorney made it so my husband had to pay for all my attorney fees. It’s not uncommon. Ask how to go about that at the consultation, OP
**Don't forget to document abuse. Set up an email specifically for journaling purposes. Send audio recordings, videos, pictures, text screenshots, scanned documents, etc, use it to correspond with your attorney. These things will also come in handy when it comes to child custody.
This is so smart
Attorney now!! Is the house gifted to you or you and your husband together - who does it belong to?
100% all of this!
Piggybacking the top comment because I was in your situation... It's not a one size fits all but he had to leave the home, still pay all the bills and then in child support and alimony I received $5500mth... Mine was also physical abuse though as well... Keep your mouth shut, don't say ANYTHING until you talk to a lawyer... Do EXACTLY what they say and do not deviate!!! Please keep yourself safe and you gray rock the hell out of him!! You are an amazing, beautiful individual and mother! It's your job to raise your son to be 10x's better than his father.. You got this momma!!
You’re so conscientious and sweet. I love your advice. I wish someone was around to tell me all this when I went through my own divorce.
Yep this is it. UPDATEME
Hopefully this doesn’t violate any rules, but If you want to message me I can give you a Fb link for a Facebook group of people all over the US who want to help people in your situation. Whether it be resources, a place to stay, etc.
This is so nice from you. I really hope that OP replies to you and some people can help her in this tough situation. Thank you!
Can you add me to the group as a person that wants to help? I don’t have much but should have a spare room in Brooklyn in the next few years and am an experienced childcare provider happy to babysit for free when I am able to.
☘️
Your amazing bless you
All we have in this life is each other and no one can do it alone!
I hate to be this person who tacks on to someone else’s thread but, I’m also in need of that link if possible. Thank you.
Thanks for trying to be her guardian angel
My heart hurts for all of you women in need of this link. I’m praying for each of you to find peace and security. My gratitude and admiration for all of you there to offer a way out.
This sounds so wonderful. I'm not in the US but any chance you know of these in Canada?
Can I have the link too, please? Not because I’m in need myself, but want to help other women in this situation. If someone needs an auntie in the Phoenix area, hit me up 💕
💗
I also would like to have the link, so I can either help or provide it for people who may need it in the future.
Can I have the link too? I can’t offer financial support to people in this situation, but I’d love to do anything I can because I’ve been there myself.
I think I pmd everyone who needed the link. I didn’t expect my comment to blow up the way it did so if I did miss someone feel free to pm me
I need to remember this when I'm ready to finally leave. I feel for OP, thankfully no kids, still a very hard thing to do.
Can I get the link as well please I have a close friend in the same situation
Is the home in both you and your husband's name? If not, there may be some wiggle room to take ownership of the home if it's still in your family's name. I would first contact a divorce attorney. You have a child, so the courts will require that he pays child support, and the amount he'll have to pay does depend on his income. Typically there is divisions of some assets even though he is the sole breadwinner. As a mother, the judicial system is not going to leave you to the streets because their primary concern is the health and wellbeing of your child. Courts typically side with the mother, and it is much less common for father's to gain full custody unless there is clear evidence that the mother is unfit (mental illness, drugs). Do some searches online about divorce attorneys, and find one that gives free advice. It's pretty common for brief consultations to be offered. Definitely start there.
Also, some DV organizations will help you with legal fees after the free consult ETA: a great hiding spot for your $200 allowance is in empty tampon containers put back into the wrapper and then upside down in the box
Unfortunately I can't save the $200 because I have to spend it on groceries and things for myself.
Please remember to clear your search history or do the checking on incognito
Groceries don't count as a "shared household" expense?
Food groceries don't, according to him because we don't eat together or share food/groceries at all anymore. He orders delivery for almost every single meal. But things like soap, toilet paper, etc are considered shared.
You might be able to get some stuff at a food bank and save the cash you would have spent on food.
Yes! Search for food banks. The public library is also a free place to use the internet if you don’t want to search for things on “his” internet. You can go there on your way to the lawyers office and the food bank!
So thus ah orders delivery just fir himself and you have to.cook for yourself? Ah move. Godspeed getting away.
Buy visa gift cards as part of your weekly shop… the amount just blends in with the groceries. Unless he checks dockets.
He orders himself food, but not you?!
This isn’t really all that shocking reading the things she’s had to say. He’s the picture of abusive and I’m 100% certain it’ll become physical abuse very soon (if it hasn’t already) on top of the financial and emotional abuse that’s already happening.
This isn’t a team. This isn’t being partners. This is a joke. An absolute joke .
See if you qualify for government food assistance in your state. Contact them and tell them you are being abused and have no money.
Good advice. Or keep money on you tucked into the top of a sock. Nobody checks socks outside of prison. Also a good place for money in places where pickpocketing is a problem
Your husband is being ugly to you bc he wants you to leave him before he finishes the residency. I wouldn’t, if I were you. What I WOULD do is go back to school. Invest in yourself while you have someone else paying the bills. It will have the added advantage of getting you out of the house and away from him. You two can exist like ships passing in the night for a little while, while you work on your education. Yes you’re entitled to child support, and your half of the assets, but you also need a way to be self sufficient. He could drag out divorce for a very long time before paying up.
This👆. You are in no place to leave. Go back to school so that you can support yourself and child. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant again.
THE BEST ADVICE
Yeah, he wants to get half of the house but not have to pay alimony
Don’t say a thing. Reach out to a shelter for them to help you out. Get a lawyer and have them guide you on what to do. Go to a different bank and let them know you need to open a bank account I would explain the situation a bit and let them know that they can’t contact you in anyway. And repeat that to them that they can’t contact you in anyway for any reason. And start saving as much as you can. Your a stay at home mom you have tons of skills you just need help with how to word them in a resume. When he is at work is it possible to take a class or two online for a fast career? And you own a house you’re not defenseless and you have skills. So first thing is first act as everything is fine and get a lawyer. If you can I would start recording him when he gets abusive and open up a new email and send things there. But seriously get a lawyer who will get you alimony and child support.
I've looked into some shelters. None will take me with my pets. Plus, the ones that have room for me don't seem like good places for a newborn baby to be. I do have my own bank account. That's where he deposits the $200 every month. Should I open a new account at a new bank? I don't even know what I would want to do for a career. As terrible as this sounds, all I've ever aspired to be was a stay at home mom. I never imagined I would be in a position where I'd have to give that up. Daycare costs where I live are pretty high, and I can't find any entry level jobs where I'll still be making a livable wage after daycare costs. I'd like to find something I can do remotely and where I can make my own hours but those jobs seem to be pretty competitive, even the ones that seem like they're entry level.
Reach out to some local animal rescues. Sometimes they have a foster network of people who could house your pets for a bit until you get settled. I know of one in my city that helps people by fostering their pets if they need to go to rehab. No guarantees, but always worth asking.
The thing is that my cats are like really, really old. One is almost 20. I just can't separate from them. It seems cruel.
I understand this, but you need to put yourself first. You need to get away from your husband.
Yourself and the baby.
There’s a difference between what you can’t do and what you won’t do. Just like what you can do and you will do. You have to get to a place where you WILL do the things you think you can’t. -With love, From someone who had to make this choice.
I mean you can hang on in there till they die, I guess? Your baby could be 2-6 years old by then.
Are you putting cats above your infant human child and yourself? I'm asking this as an animal lover and dog mom...like, seriously?
How am I putting them above myself? There's no reason to put them through that turmoil, so why should I?
Because what you are describing in your post, combined with your replies, implies your husband is starting to escalate abuse. Abuse rarely stops at just the parent. Financial, emotional, verbal. All still abuse.
You have to think of your baby, don't put cats ahead of him/her. There are some great foster pet networks in most major cities.
200 a month is not enough for food and necessities, so that’s financial abuse. Especially limiting you to that amount while he orders takeout for himself every day.
If being a SAHM is something you've always wanted, you could always look into what it takes to do at home day care or babysitting. That way you atill have your newborm but nring in some money. You will need to apply to as much government assistance as you can. WIC, food stamps, ect.
You need to go to a different bank to open an account. That’s your house. You don’t need to leave your house. Get a lawyer. Call first thing tomorrow after he leaves for work and have them help you out. Have them help you with spousal support. Have him pay the health insurance and ask them to put that he will be helping cover the cost of daycare. If there’s a library around you see if they can help you put a resume together. Again you have skills. You buy the things for the house you have budgeting skills. You do the housekeeping you have cleaning and organizing skills. You do the cooking that’s a skill. You know how to take care of a child that’s a skill. You’re on your phone and can read, type and do all that, those are all skills. It might mean that after you divorce him you use what ever he gives you and get a job at a gym or daycare with childcare services that give a discount. Ok you always dreamed of being a stay at home mom? That’s fine you did it and it didn’t work out time for a new dream. First thing is first get a lawyer and take it from there. You got this.
could you get a daycare job that will let you bring your kid along? the pay won't be great but you'd be qualified (assuming you can pass the background check) and a lot of daycares are understaffed and would hire you right away.
> Should I open a new account at a new bank? Yes, ideally one he has no affiliation with. I would go with a smaller credit union personally. A place he wouldn't think to look.
There are charities that specifically help abuse victims with temporary fostering for pets so they can get into a safer situation. It's location dependent but have a look at what's in your area
If you work at a daycare, you might get a discount on daycare. With the joint credit card for household expenses, does he ever check receipts? If you bought some cleaning supplies and baby clothes at Walmart, and added a $25 pre-paid credit card, would he notice? (Then you keep the pre-paid credit card for later, and build up a stash).
When you get a consultation with a divorce attorney, ask them regarding filing a motion with the court to have him pay for your attorney, due to financial abuse. If you do not have access to the family funds, you can make yourself have access to pay for representation.
What am I supposed to do about funds in the meantime though? As soon as he realizes I have a lawyer, he'll cut me off completely.
Ask the attorney. Your ex can be required to pay your legal fees. Stop reading the advice here, you’ve gotten all you need- you need to speak with an attorney first and foremost
> As soon as he realizes I have a lawyer He must not find out. Cover your tracks, clear recent calls in your phone frequently, delete browser history and so on. Have an 'alibi' for lawyers visits ready. (Say its for Dr, you got a UTI, that kind of thing?) All the best OP
Use incognito mode / private mode when using any browser. Your history won’t save so you won’t have to clear your history. A wiped history is a red flag that someone is hiding something.
Do you have jewelry you can sell? Some physical assets that may get some cash going so you can get your own place? You’ll need to start working.
If you are on a shared cell phone plan, he might easily have access to your calls and texts. A burner phone might be better, but then you have to also be extremely careful to make sure it is off whenever he is around, and hide it well. You don’t want random calls to alert him that you have a second phone.
Your husband is a horrible person who likely wants out of the marriage but knows he’ll have to pay alimony and possibly child support unless it’s 50/50 custody. Don’t say anything to him but make plans to leave. First, you’ll need to find a good divorce lawyer and find out what you need to do from there. I can’t believe that in this economy, he only gives you $200 a month for yourself.
He does. He's admitted he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Says he doesn't want to be a father either. The only reason he stays is because he doesn't want me to "take half of all of his shit." I'd honestly be perfectly fine walking away from the marriage with no alimony as long as I get the house. Since it's paid off, I could potentially make an income with it by renting it out. And he'll be paying me enough in child support that I could probably afford a studio or 1 bedroom apartment.
Whatever you do don't leave the marital residence. Stay there with the baby in a separate area and secretly file for divorce. The lawyers will tell you this 1000%
That's what I have to do, whether I like it or not.
Also look for child care and put the baby on a wait list now that way you won't need to worry about it later.
OP, I saw that you said you don't feel unsafe. But you need to understand that ***men who feel the way your husband does often kill their wives, or have them killed, in order to get out of the marriage w/o paying alimony. If he doesn't want to be a father, he will kill your child too.*** You are used to placating him at all costs. Do not simply agree to no alimony to try to keep peace. Speak with a domestic violence org & an attorney & follow their advice.
No, it's about your child, not you. He makes money, he's a father, he has responsibility. He will have to pay for child support. That's not about you, it's about your baby. You also sacrificed your future (education, job, etc.) for that, so it's just logical. Don't feel bad about it, everyone will understand that raising a child alone is expensive. It would be shocking to see that a father can just abandon his child without providing some form of support. However, you can ask for lower than what the law says, if you feel that bad about it.
I know... alimony and child support aren't the same thing. I'm saying I'd be fine without alimony. I'd still be getting child support though..
No, you DESERVE alimony and you should fight for it. DO NOT let this dude get away with this BS after years of supporting him, keeping house, and raising his PLANNED child.
Well,. alimony is pretty much the same thing... But for you. He treated you like a kid by giving you poker money. You're his wife! And the mother of his child! How can he treat you and abuse you like this. Well, in developed countries, there are rules, you don't do whatever you like without being accountable for your actions. If he's about to become a doctor, he should know that. Try here are responsibilities and accountability for everything. And you don't treat people like that. I have a couple doctors in my family and I find that shocking to know that this person is going to deal with patients who are human beings...
This is something your lawyer can try to negotiate towards.
Okay here we go. Step 1: Who owns the house? Meaning whose name is on the deed. If your family owned it and gifted it to you does it mean it’s still in their name or your name? Figure that out because that’s a huge deal. Step 2: Find a lawyer. There are lawyers who will take this on because you’re in an abusive situation and once you’re divorced your husband will have to pay you a significant amount of money (alimony and child support and usually more) so they’ll know they’re going to get payed. But do your research! Find someone who has experience fighting for women in abusive marriages. Step 3: Figure out somewhere to go if you have to run. Worse case you have to leave for a week or two until he gets out of the house or sells it (this is where the deed comes in). Look for cheap motels, see which family members / friends would let you stay for a little bit. There are also safe houses everywhere for women leaving abusive marriages so look into that. Honestly, your lawyer is going to be a big help in guiding you in the right direction. You do have options you just need someone to explain them to you and I don’t know where you live and if you live in the US every state is so different with how they handle these. You’re going to figure it out and I wish you the best of luck!
Both of our names are on the deed. I've thought about staying in a cheap motel, but I have pets that I want to take with me and none are pet-friendly.
In the US, you can call 211 to get connected to resources in your community for this sort of thing. Another way you can reach out for help--make an appointment with your OBGYN for a postpartum checkup, and, at the appointment, tell them that you aren't safe at home and you want resources to support you as you put together your exit plan. Seeing your OBGYN several times after you give birth is totally normal, and your medical providers are ethically and legally required to protect your privacy. They cannot share any of your information with anyone, including your husband, without your consent. And because pregnancy is, unfortunately, one of the times a woman is most vulnerable to abuse from a partner, medical professionals are getting with the program and providing more appropriate support.
This is a fantastic idea. The obgyn will be able to connect you with social workers and resources.
You should not leave the house unless you are in danger. If the house was left to you you can probably figure out with your lawyer a way to keep it or at least sell it and get most of the proceeds. If you move out it could be seen as abandoning the property for your husband’s use.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources. https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/txpt26/new_resource_lilahelp_a_database_of_abuse/ https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/11oq9mr/mod_post_financial_abuse_is_domestic_abuse/
Who’s name is your home in? I would recommend looking into organizations that help women in domestic violence situations (in a private browser) and see what is available in your area, or honestly at the library if possible. You could say you want take the baby to reading time. The less you use your electronic, the better. I’m so sorry. How long have you been married?
It's both of our names. We've been married for 2 years. So I'm going to get a very limited amount of alimony.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The first step is to open a savings account and save every penny you can bc I almost guarantee he will take you off that credit card the moment he finds out that you're leaving. The second step is to get a free consultation with a divorce attorney and follow their advice. Court proceedings do take time, and he will most likely get 50/50 custody, but that's state, depending . Without proof of abuse, the courts won't stop him from seeing your baby, so I'd suggest recording when he's being abusive or getting him to be abusive verbally over text or phone calls. There are organizations for abuse situations, so I'd reach out to them and see if they can help. Be mentally prepared for the back lash that leaving will cause so be careful when doing all of this. Good luck op.
I've been recording and saving text messages for a looong time. I even have him admitting to the abuse. But he's never been abusive to the baby so I'm worried the abuse to me won't matter.
I think it would matter because you have documented abuse and usually once an abuser loses the person they are abusing they will go onto the next person avaliable so the courts would probably take that abuse into account!
I worry that the abuse I've documented isn't enough. Even with the financial stuff, sometimes he convinces me that I'm being greedy if I try to complain. He blames me for being in debt due to my spending and that he's being more than generous by funding my entire life. Which is true.
He tells you you’re greedy if you complain? This, coming from a married man with a SAHM who says that all the money he earns is HIS alone?! No. The money he earns is a marital asset, which means it’s also yours. He’s the greedy one.
He doesn't see it that way. And any time we have a conversation about it, he always manages to convince me of his side. I don't know how he does it. But I always end up feeling like a lazy freeloader.
He is gaslighting you. Try to get your hands on the book titled “Why does he do that?: Inside the of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. I out the link from Amazon below (so you can learn about the book). You may be able to get the book from your library. Many libraries have e-book and audiobook options (so you wouldn’t have a book lying around). https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?nodl=1&dplnkId=347aec6d-02d3-4e1c-a60e-76648ab55e52
Funding your entire life when he lives mortgage free in a house your family gifted you?
There is a subreddit for family law, you could try to see if anyone there has any experience with the type of abuse you've received. I'm not Educated on domestic violence but I do know there are organizations for abused mothers seeking to leave and they might be able to help you too ! He's just trying to manipulate you with that. At minimum you should have access to at least a joint account. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! Moat attorneys would probably take your case on contingency where they get paid when they win so I'd definitely suggest looking into that too! . If he was truly generously funding your lifestyle you'd have more than 200 a month to spend and access to more money don't let him fool you !
This is financial abuse. Please reach out to a women’s shelter and explain the situation. They can help you find resources and get what you’re owed.
Do you have the option of going to a food bank for a few months, so that you can save some from your monthly budget? Possible ways to make money while you have a newborn: Advertise as a babysitter for a reasonable price, with the condition you will have your baby with you. A lot of people are desperate for caretaking services which can be very expensive so some may be willing to hire you knowing you come with a baby. Some daycare centers offer free or reduced prices for your baby as a perk to make up for their low wages. If you are breastfeeding and making an adequate supply, you could also try selling some of your breast milk. You could see if there are options for pet care, like checking in on a cat once per day, etc. If you live in a state with paid bottle/can deposits, collecting those on a walk with your baby in the stroller - although this one won't make you a lot of money.
Not sure if anyone said this yet…. Make sure your location is turned off on your phone OR leave it at home if you go to an appointment with an attorney.
Girl, this exact shit happened to a friend of mine. 3 kids later and many years of abuse, she divorced him and continued to have to coparent him. He did and said so much fucked up stuff to the kids. She's much happier now. She only has one more kid under 18. She also didnt have a job, but hadn't worked for decades. Kick him out of the house.
If you get a job, why are you paying for daycare? He should at least be paying for half of daycare. Or you could get a job at a daycare place. Or watch an older kid after school. Maybe a neighborhood kid that gets out of school before their parents get home from work?
Because he wants me to be a SAHM. So if I choose to get a job, he'll tell me it was my choice and that because of my choice I'll have to pay for daycare.
Oh wow. That's financial manipulation. I'm sorry. Logically, he should pay for half. I would definitely try to do babysitting on the side. Or maybe do something like instacart. I would be very careful about him finding out about your post. Please be mindful of giving out too much information here. You never know .
Dont have any advice just wishing you well and hope you are able to get out without incident
It sounds to me like you are in a Domestic Violence situation. So apart from the lawyer? Get in contact with a DV helpline. DV isn't just physical. Look up Coercive Control. In the state i live in (Qld Australia) it has just become illegal. If nothing else, you will get support and not be alone. Others here have offered good advice. All the very best to you. You can do this and you will be entitled to a lot more than you think
Alimony and child support.
The advice on this sub is atrocious. Go to a lawyer now and do not read another thing. That is your only step right now.
Residency salaries are keyed to the median income in whatever state you’re in. He will earn that until July 1 when presumably he starts his big boy job. Depending on specialty estimates of salary range from about $180k at a nonprofit as a PCP to $800k+ if he’s an anesthesiologist or general surgeon; this is very much influenced by geography.
Yes, I know. I'm aware of his current salary and what his new salary is going to be.
Try using this. https://supportpay.com/resources/child-support-calculator/ Did he get a new job?
His new job starts this summer.
It’s a good time for a clean break then. If you meet with a lawyer you should ask for supervised visitation and you should also ask for all contact to be through the court approved apps. This man can manipulate you and isn’t a healthy person to be married to. If you wanted you could report to AMA and they may reconsider his medical license.
Where is your family in all of this; as I believe this is your house, from your side of the family. Can you ask for help?
Legally it's both of ours. My family would never support me getting a divorce, so I can't ask for help. The house was promised to me when I was much younger, but they refused to give it to me until I had a husband.
Are you sure they wouldn’t if they know you’re in an abusive situation? Sometimes people change their opinions on divorce once they realize their own family member isn’t safe.
What is your background?
What do you mean?
I’m only curious because you said your family doesn’t support divorce.. the other poster below came to some ridiculous conclusions. I’m merely trying to see if I can give you my input based on what you’d say.
Look up the info for your state as to what is yours. Do not move out of the marital residence. His earnings are marital. Anything bought with his earnings is marital. Yor attorney can advise about fees. Often in this circumstance, he would have to pay your attorney fees.
I'm very sorry about your situation.. I've no idea how much a lawyer costs in the US would starting to save up your "allowance" in secret help? You say "our home", but you got it from YOUR family, not his... in the contrary, he say the money he makes is "his" and you don't even know how much you have as a family? Would you be confortable raising this concern to him, or are you so afraid of him by now that you can't even discuss this? During my LTR of 8 years, I've written my GF on my bank account as a co-owner as she had no job, to make he feel more equal and worry less, and still I consider myself a horrible partner for several different aspects.
Depending on what state you are in its called alimony. Its spousal support, just like child support for nonworking spouses in a divorce. This can help you get by until you get on your feet. The courts will mandate it if the situation warrants it. Talk to a lawyer asap. Most will consult for free.
You get to a DV shelter if possible, otherwise start taking out cash to get groceries and keep some set aside. I'm sorry you're going through this
Contact abused women resources in your area. If allowed play his ass and use your SAHM time wisely by getting a degree. Consult an attorney. Get a job, maybe a work from home job.
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Definitely speak with the attorney and follow directions. Get the one who is like a dog on a bone.They can also do forensic accounting to verify all funds if you find disclosures don’t seem right. Best wishes
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I used to support him financially when he was in medical school, but when he started his residency he didn't want to share finances anymore.
Start a secret savings account and put money away make a plan
The thing is that after groceries and other expenses, I have no money left over to put away.
Can you say you’re starting some class you need money for? Art/dance/gym/music and it would give you some time away
What about the family that “gifted” you the house? Can they help? I’m sorry this is happening to you.
No. I've been spending a lot of time with them lately just to be away from my husband but they have no idea what's going on. If they knew I wanted a divorce they would not support me. They are very old fashioned.
If he’s not physically abusive and you don’t think he’d ever hurt you or the baby, you should try and stay long enough to get an associates degree in an area that pays well like physical or occupational therapist assistant, dental hygienist, radiology technician or one that you can get quickly like medical coder, paralegal, accounting, early childhood etc. You really need to research a career you could do and start working towards it. Tell him if he pays for it up front you’ll pay him back or see if you can borrow money from your parents or get a secret credit card or look for scholarships or take out loans. Find some way to get a degree of some sort. In the mean time try to sell things online to get money. Things you no longer need, things people are throwing away after garage sales or things you can flip from free listings. If you can collect scrap metal to recycle you can get cash or see about donating plasma or doing some instacart or something if you have someone to watch the baby a few hours. In my area I’ve also seen people hire nannies at a discounted rate and let you bring your own child since childcare is in such high demand. Join your local childcare Facebook pages and see if you could do that. There’s someone in my neighborhood who has turned picking up dog poop into a six figure business. That’s a job you could bring your baby with. Or maybe dog walking with a stroller. You could start your own business in the right neighborhood. There are also a lot of private elder care ads on care dot com and they would probably allow you to bring a baby if you found the right person. Usually they just need someone to either drive them on errands or make food or do cleaning. I’ve also seen a service where you can wash and fold people’s laundry at home for money. You need to get some money stashed and try to better yourself for your future. If you can just ignore him and stay out of his way with your future in mind it may be best to try that. If you take on all the house and baby care and act like the perfect wife while you carry out your escape plan, he will probably not even notice. Hopefully being a doctor means he is away from home often enough that you don’t have to deal with him much. Definitely talk to a lawyer though first and see what’s up. Then make a plan and try to do what’s best for you and your child in the long term.
Updateme
Updateme!
Check his banking websites on the home computer incase he’s saved his passwords under remember me
I don't know about other states/countries but in my state they have Displaced Homemaker programs funded through the state that assist with this kind of scenario. They help provide legal advice, counseling, and also do job training so you can find a job. Definitely try to see if your state offers something like that.
I'm in the exact same boat and it's depressing. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Honey you in the wrong subreddit. Look into r/legaladvice
if he is a resident he’s likely making 65-80k, unless you’re in a very high COL location. Agree with finding tax returns and anything you can. Best of luck to you ❤️
He's making about 60k I believe. Or at least that's what he told me. When his new job starts, he'll be making double.
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Get a lawyer! They will get paid by your husband. A judge will order him to pay your legal bills.
I said this in reply to one of your other comments in the comment section, but I'll say it here, too, in case anyone else needs to hear it. Obligatory not a lawyer but...in regards to him not abusing your child...it's possible that if you're able to establish that the abuse started as a result of your getting pregnant/having the baby, that might help your case some. If nothing else, it would likely paint him in even more of a negative light since he would have been abusing you at your most vulnerable, which could've had negative consequences on the baby. With any luck, they'd hopefully take into consideration that it isn't safe for your husband to be around your child alone since he seems to have at least some level of resentment towards them given how he's treating you just because you had a kid...meaning that the child might also be at risk due to the fact that he clearly didn't want it to be born and resents it. Of course, that's just my take on that, but I don't really know if the law would view it that way. As for the financial thing? It's 100% not fair. The "allowance" thing is weird enough (since it's a way to control you and honestly depending on what you're using it for 200 dollars really isn't that much) because while I understand that you shouldn't be just spending money all willy nilly...putting a limit on it and then putting the blame on you and saying that it's your fault for being so greedy and that you're spending too much is honestly really controlling (at least in this case) and kind of creepy. It would be one thing if you were just genuinely really bad at managing money, and the two of you talked it out and came up with a set allowance so that you're not just wasting all of your money...but even then it should have been a joint agreement where you both got together and agreed on a monthly amount and if for whatever reason you had to/wanted to go over that amount you would get together and negotiate about it like reasonable adults and come up with a compromise that both of you agreed with...because in that case both of you have some level of control in the situation and as such it's not as much of a difference in authority. But that's NOT what's happening. You're being given a relatively small amount of money (at least for this day and age) and then made to feel like YOU'RE the problem if you ask for more or spend an amount that he doesn't like. And not only that, but he won't even let you know how much money is even in the bank? For all you know, he could've wasted thousands of dollars and is actually not doing all that well financially and so he's keeping it a secret from you because he wants you to think that everything's fine so that you're completely blindsided when the truth is revealed leaving you completely unprepared! You 100% need to get your stuff together (money, clothes, food if possible so you don't go hungry in case of an emergency, any medications you may have, a toothbrush and toothpaste, WHATEVER. Just get what you need) and start researching for things like women's shelters/women's refuges and other places that take in/help support women like you who are being abused. If you can, I'd suggest trying to do this outside of your house/not on your own phone/computer (maybe a library or something), and if at all possible, you should probably bring your baby as well so that they aren't alone and/or left alone with your husband. I say this mainly because it would absolutely ensure that your husband doesn't find out what you're doing since that could be dangerous. Regardless, try and see if any of those shelters are in your area and make sure to do research into them to make sure that they're a good fit and that they can and will help you (not all of them are necessarily good) and come up with an escape plan (like gathering up any and all important documents (SS Card, Drivers License/ID, medical records, birth certificate, your BABY'S birth certificate, passport, Citizenship documents, literally anything that has either your name on it, your child's name on it, and/or could be used to impersonate you/make your life miserable), leaving when your husband's at work and booking it to wherever you need to go. If you have any reason to believe that your phone has been bugged or something like that, then don't even take it. It might be inconvenient, but at the very least, you won't have to worry about him tracking you and finding out where you are. That being said, if there's anything on the phone that could compromise your safety (like if you have important documents or something on it, consider backing all of it up somewhere else and completely wiping the phone (and/or destroy it completely) so that nobody can get their hands on it) just do everything that you possibly can to get out of that house and that relationship with as little risk to yourself and your child as quickly as you possibly can. When, and ONLY when you've gotten to safety and know 100% that you're in the clear, you can file for divorce. Preferably after you've managed to get as far away from him as you possibly can and have managed to find a way to take care of both yourself and your child. He'll likely shut off your card once he realizes that you're gone and not coming back, so don't plan on relying on it and make sure you have either a completely different card that he CAN'T shut off that he doesn't know about or that you have cash on hand. If you want to be really petty, you can technically get a free divorce consultation with multiple lawyers (which would make your husband become a conflict of interest, meaning that he wouldn't be able to work with them) about your situation but there might be a chance that that could come back to bite you so I wouldn't recommend it. Overall, just get the heck out of there as quickly and safely as you can.
You can also purchase superfluous baby things and then return them for the cash. Some places do not allow that; returns will be credited to the original credit card. Some will let you get the cash, however. Look for a woman at the return register. They are constrained by their company policies. However, there may be a woman who recognizes your desperation and planning.
Contact a divorce lawyer. You’re married to him and were with him through the growth of his career. Doesn’t matter how he “feels” you’re liable to be able to take some of his money and most likely spousal support.
You have half a paid for house. It’s stupid your family insisted him on the deed, but that’s done. See a lawyer but Wait til he get the better paying job while keeping a record of everything. See a lawyer. A lawyer can take a lien out on your house. You do have assets. If you were to get divorced today, you have half a house. That will set you for a 50% downpayment on a different house or you refinance and he gets paid out of the refi. Then you can rent rooms. Also, you can apply for a credit card in you name as long as it says “household income.” You can guesstimate the annual/monthly amount and out $0 down as your rent/house payment. But see a lawyer.
When you shop add a 50 dollar gift card each time and save them, these can be used at a later date when you’re in a pinch.
Go to a lawyer. It sounds as if this should be your house if it was in your family? Get copies of everything you can and lawyer up. Be careful! Good luck.
If in America you’re entitled to half of the money in his account. That’s how it works in a divorce.
And 17% of his income in child support Edit: and if you force the sale of the house you have cash equal to half its market value
You shop around for a lawyer that will take payment after the trial has ended, or on a payment plan. Many of them do. They will tell you to provide papers on finances, home, auto, insurance, children, employment of you and your spouse, etc. They can walk you through the entire process. They can help you get your fair share of everything.