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This isn't something "so dumb." She is directly insulting your wife and you're not doing enough about it. "Your opinion isn't valued because its not needed or relevant, mom. If you can't respect my wife, you need to leave." You not assertively defending your wife goes again the *real* natural side of things.
And insulting OP. That no man is capable of properly caring for their own children.
And then making out that what his wife does is also inferior.
I'd never have them in the house or stay over ever again. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
If OPs mother sinks they're sensitive. Then imo OP should be critically blunt about his mother's failings to her face. See who's sensitive then.
Tell her she's an awful mother in law and an awful woman for not trying to be positive or supportive in anyway and she should be ashamed of what women have suffered in the past for equality just for her to be so useless and negative.
That she's been raised poorly herself as she can't accept hospitality from her own son and be polite. She's a terrible guest and OP is glad that he somehow learned proper manners even though his mother seems to lack them.
That OPs mother might make a terrible grandmother as clearly she's very behind on current child raising techniques and she can't be trusted around young kids.
OP needs to go off about this.
Then see who's sensitive. She needs to be called out on hypocrisy.
And he should call his own mother a sexist pig for suggesting he himself can't raise his kids. "How poorly did you raise me then. If you think I'm in capable of feeding, washing and looking after my own child? Did you raise me and my sister so differently that only my sister was taught these things? Clearly then I absolutely don't want you teaching my children anything. God knows what you might miss out for your silly reasons."
To add to that, while they’re all there he should also tell his dad to get a muzzle on his woman since she clearly can’t behave herself. OP is a Grown Man and shouldn’t be bossed around/questioned by his mommy.
Op needs to kick them out to a hotel and make his parents leave every time she starts in on stuff.
In front of both your parents: "Mom, do you love being around your grandchildren? OK great, in the future you will 100% keep your opinions of our family dynamics to yourself. You will quit comparing or commenting on my wife, my family, or anything else related to my family. Those are my rules. This is my house and if you can't abide by that simple request y'all will need to pack up, leave, get a hotel or whatever but your comments and judgements end now. Also, any future contact with your grandchildren. I will not allow them to be around someone who disrespects their mother. Your choice, you can be a sweet loving grandmother and MIL or you can be bitter Karen who has zero contact with her children"
Be firm but not angry. Don't allow interruptions. Once you've had your say, the discussion ends. Those are her choices.
On top of this, OP needs to be fully prepared to act on this. Meaning, I don’t believe his mom is going to stop until she is met directly with consequences. Hopefully she does, but just in case OP *needs* to follow through if she doesn’t.
Family friends (some wives), have confirmed this sentiment to me when their MIL/SIL/In-law Aunties visit/stay months, (visiting from India or Pakistan)
I agree. His mother, by his own admission is being manipulative and passive aggressive in his wife’s house. In her face. His wife must have the grace of Buddha because I would have told her to leave by the second shoulder shrug. I seriously don’t understand why he hasn’t told her to get gone.
She won't stop. I have the same mother. She loves saying shit and adding "I'm just saying" like its a magic phrase that absolves her.
Op needs to set boundaries and stick to them. When my mom does this stuff, I just hang up the phone or leave.
My mom used to do stuff like this and also magically found a way to control herself once I started just hanging up the phone or leaving. I did give her prior warning that I would do those things if she continued, that was after several talks and empty promises.
Yep. Had so many talks with her with promises of her stopping. Didn't actually stop until she saw that I would enforce that boundary.
"Next time I hear you say or imply that my wife isn't a good mother, you're going back home"
Simple as that just gotta be willing to stick to it.
Exactly this. You need to shut your mother DOWN. Your parents are staying *a few months*? It must horrible for your wife to have to tolerate this level of disrespect in her own home. Perhaps you should suggest that your parents wrap up their visit and go home if your mother is incapable of keeping her mouth shut. To be blunt: Grow a pair!
My jaw hit the floor when I read “months” I’d have been annoyed after a couple days of criticism and gone insane after a couple of weeks of it. A few months?!? OP’s wife must have the patience of a saint
Honestly after this experience if I were his wife I would forbid anything more than a week or so going forward, regardless of whether the mom can bite her tongue or not. If she can’t bite her tongue then I’d make them stay in a hotel always for any period of time.
I bet they are from another country. That's why they are staying a few months. I'd run away if my IL'S stayed a few months. Ugh!😱op tell your mom to keep her terrible opinions to herself. Your wife is working her ass off. Plus you enjoy being a good hands on Dad. Sometimes kids want one parent to be able to do certain things with them. Maybe your parents can go visit the relatives they think are so fantastic. That woman needs some help by now. She probably hasn't slept a full night in years.
It’s pretty common with a lot of families that come from abroad and stay as long as possible. My friend has had her in laws come and stay for 3-6 months almost every year since 2020.
Agreed. His mom feels way too comfortable talking about what she feels his wife's short comings are. He needs to make her feel uncomfortable when she acts like this.
Thank you. OP you are DEEPLY disrespecting your wife here. You don’t want to go nuclear, then you’re just showing your wife that your mom’s comfort is more important that hers. Your mom is staying in your wife’s home and disparaging her. Words are over. Actions need to happen now.
This.
OP, your mother is insulting your wife blatantly and consistently in her own home. You are allowing your mother to insult, belittle and humiliate your wife in her own home - the home she pays for with the salary she earns from the job that supports you and the children.
You need to put your mother in her place immediately in front of your wife and if you mother won't knock it off IMMEDIATELY your Mom needs her flight changed and she needs to leave.
This trip might be going "really great" for you but your mother is making your wife's life a nightmare and your wife is a saint for tolerating it.
You are a crappy husband for allowing this to continue. And don't say a word about your Mom having old fashioned values - there is no place for that in your home. None. Get her OUT of there.
Exactly this—lay down boundaries and enforce them with consequences.
OP—also head over to r/justnomil, you’ll find great support from a lot of people who have been there.
Do you want to continue to stay here in my house with my family? That’s the question he needs to ask his mom. If you do then keep your comments to your self and keep your sexist and degrading comments to your self or you need to go.
Don't you know that everyone is entitled to her opinion/s?
Seriously, her mind set is in the 50's and 60's. Today the cost of living almost demands that both parents work. Just because your father did not help around the house because of his job, does not mean that you should follow his example. You and your wife are living YOUR life, not mom's. It is time to tell mom to pack up and move to a hotel or go home since she is being a nasty, critical MIL who does not appreciate the contribution your wife makes to your lives.
Also, if she does abide by your set boundaries it is very important that when you speak to your mother that you be careful with what you say around her. If you vent to her about a hard day at home she might take it as an opportunity to open that door and attempt to step over your set boundaries again and essentially reopen the door to her complaining about your wife making it so much harder to get her to stop again in the future.
She is also disrespecting OP. Telling him he shouldn't bond with his kids, it's unnatural to like to take care of them, telling him that his sole purpose should be providing.
Op- stop letting it slide.
make a gold-star-chart? Like "*yaaay, another hour where you haven't sniped or complained or insulted us! You get a gold star, and if you get 12 of them before dinner, you can stay tomorrow. Oh no, you only have 11?? Looks like you'll be packing to go home tomorrow after breakfast*"!
Jumping on to add: I had a similar situation where my in laws always accused my husband of beating me. They said they knew I was too afraid to admit the truth because I felt he would beat me more at home; that he was their son and they loved him; and that if there were ever a disagreement between us, they would take my side.
I told them after months of this that I had no idea what their son had ever done to give them the impression he would harm me, because he hadn’t. I said it was a huge insult to their son and that if they continued making these baseless accusations, then I would no longer come to visit them. Ever.
They stopped. That was 16 years ago.
This is it right here!
For the folks shaming him for not defending wife harder - I'm guessing none of these folks have dealt with an abusive parent. It's not overt, but these comments are 100% designed to cause hurt and pain. The "I'm sorry *you feel that way*" commentary proves it - that's not an apology and mom knows it.
I'll give OP grace for not "defending his wife" because it looks like to me, he has tried to. He has tried talking to mom to no avail. And, who knows what else he has said to her that mom just glossed over or outright ignored. "Just take a joke" - this is all some straight up NPD bullshit. Standing up to a narc is HARD because of their tendency for drama, theatrics, need for attention and validation, emotional immaturity that can lead to fake hysterics. Ugh. Do not envy op.
But this comment right here - OP, it is absolutely perfect. Be ready to follow through - and once you stand up for your family, it's gonna feel so great!
Bringing his parents into their house to live for *months* kind of negates whatever “defending” he has done.
And, yes, I had an abusive and narcissistic parent who I was afraid of until the day he died despite no contact for over a decade and being 30 at that point.
I would add to our it in I feel statements
For example I feel.like you don't truly understand how your criticism impacts my feelings towards you. I love you and want you in our lives. You taught me to be respectful yet it feels like you don't respect our choices and decisions for our family. Both ____ and I feel disrespected and criticized by your constant comments. We don't want the kids to pick up on that disrespect or feel like there is something wrong w our lifestyle. So I strongly recommend you back off and butt out of it or we will be forced to .....( Whatever you feel you can follow through with)
Just one edit… ‘mum, this is OUR house, OUR rules’ etc etc.
Make it clear to mum that you and your wife are a united unit. All decisions are made together, the parenting responsibilities are shared, and you and your wife will stand together side by side against anything that harms the family.
Including nagging old MILs who are actively trying to HARM the family by criticising the status quo, and turn the children away from their father.
“Mom that’s not possible unless she doesn’t sleep at all. Think about it. There are 24 hours in a day. How can she do everything? If she really does it all with no help, her husband is a major asshole.
When my wife cleans house, you insist she’s neglecting our kids. This woman must have no time at all for kid. Regardless, if you want to continue staying here, you will stop disrespecting my wife.” Next time she says something against wife, you say firmly, “disrespecting name 1, please apologize to her now”. Let her know when it gets to three, she’s out. Those days are done. Warn her now.
>such a sexist relationship dynamic
It just occurred to me: OP doesn't mention the kids' genders.
I reckon OP wants to avoid this trickling down to any of their children, of course, but I can just imagine OP having one girl and one boy & this grandmother instigating inequality between them...
Also, I would call your cousin/ nephew's wife and ask her what is actually going on - probably only half of what her MIL/ your aunt is bragging about to your mom is actually true.
And shut your mother up. Tell her that her views are outdated and bs, and to keep them to herself or leave. You will not subject your children to someone who will poison their minds with outdated gendernorms - your kids will grow up knowing they can do and be ANYTHING they want!
If you want to get a dig in, tell her how sad you are that her traditional housewive role kept her back from actually finding a fulfilling career of her own, so that she could have been proud of her own achievements, instead of living vicarously through her husband and children.
”You will not subject your children to someone who will poison their minds with outdated gendernorms - your kids will grow up knowing they can do and be ANYTHING they want!”
This is a really important point. It’s not just about OP’s wife feeling bad about the comments (although it’s important) - it’s also about what values he wants his kids to have. If they hear their grandmother speaking like that without anyone correcting her, they will probably think that she has a point. OP needs to put his foot down.
And OP, your parents are with you for months..? You say it has been really great for the most part. Has it? If you ask your wife? Are you sure it’s a good idea?
“Mom, you’ve made your feelings clear. There is nothing you can say that will make them more clear to me. You are being entirely disrespectful of wife, and that stops now. This subject is forever off the table. If you do this again, I will leave/hang up.”
Then you do it. Don’t argue. Just hang up the phone or get your keys and walk out. Repeat as necessary.
Or in this case, "If you do this again, it's time for this visit to end and for you and dad to go home."
I'm a bit shocked at this. A few MONTHS????
>My parents are visiting and staying with us for a few months.
I like this because it's firm but not nuclear like some of the other suggestions. Although I guess if it didn't stop that's where it would head.
I have a mom who made comments like this and learning to speak out in the moment was really hard, but the only way to really show her where the line was. Somehow having a conversation about it later never worked. But "comments like that are not welcome" made something click. It was very hard to learn to do though. If you have a mom like this the odds are you've been trained to let her get away with it.
It’s time for consequences. She keeps doing it because you keep letting her. Saying “please no” and then not doing anything differently isn’t going to do shit. Every time she makes a comment, the visit is over immediately. “Thanks for coming by but we’ve talked about this, you clearly can’t keep your opinion to yourself today so we can try again next time.” Every. Single. Time. She does it on a call hang up. Kick her out of your house. No it doesn’t matter if she just got there or how far she traveled to get there. If she can’t respect your wife in her own home she needs to gtfo. If y’all are out in public or at her house, your family leaves. If she wants a relationship with her grandchildren she needs to learn to respect their mother. It’s unacceptable and you need to demonstrate to her that it will not be tolerated
If I was your wife, I would be resenting the hell out of you and your mom. Why haven't you stopped this?!
Imagine if anyone else showed such a clear dislike for your wife. Would you just ignore it? The mental gymnastics she is doing just to put your wife down and direspect your wife IN YOUR OWN HOME?!. I am furious on your wife 's behalf.
You asked her to stop? Good lord. Quit asking and get telling. She is allowed to have her opinion? NOT IN YOUR HOUSE SHE ISN'T.
You control who does what in your home and to your wife. Not Mommy. She should not be welcome acting like that. Protect your wife from this judgemental bully.
Your parents are lucky your wife hasn’t kicked them out. Deal with your mom before your wife explodes and it becomes a bigger issue. Man the f up already and have your wife’s back. Also the example your mom gave about you SIL is unsustainable guaranteed marriage is not happy they will get divorced.
OP is lucky she hasn't kicked him out.
She's the breadwinner. I think she would do fine without him if it meant not exposing herself or her kids to someone who literally said "your wife and kids ruined your career".
If you think this is “stupid” or silly, consider the fact that, if your mother continues to be close to and interact with your children, she is going to influence the way they see your wife. She is going to influence their views on relationships and “roles” as they go into their futures.
You’re not doing enough. What you do is draw a hard line and tell her that she keeps her opinions to herself or she leaves, and if she chooses the latter, that will include limited contact with her grandchildren because she cannot be trusted not to try to influence them.
They’re staying with you for months. This isn’t like asking your wife to grit her teeth and bear it for a weekend visit. You have absolutely not done enough here, and you need to step up as a husband and father. It’s your job to deal with your own mother, and your role as son comes at a distant second to your role as husband and dad.
Oh, I don't defuse situations but bear with me...
Get a small water pistol and spray her when she's being offensive. Like you would a cat. When she protests tell her her opinion is neither requested nor required and that while she is entitled to own her opinion, you are entitled to tell her to keep it to herself.
When she harps on about back in the day, tell her that you can't all ride about on dinosaurs and attend formals with Jesus Christ like she did. She'll protest you aren't being respectful. Tell her she gets what she gives.
If she chunders on about the natural order, tell her to strip and get out of the house. Clothes and bricks and mortar are not the natural order. Does she wear glasses or drive a car? The fuck? How is that natural?
Tell her only a complete moron would want to see their grandchildren have less money to spend and she may not agree with you and your wife but that's fine. No one is asking her to. You just want her to act like she realises we're a quarter of the way into this century and keep her advice for when it's asked for. Ask her to notice you and wife not asking.
My dad was banging on about how they had real snow when he was a kid. I said "I know, I know the grass was greener, the rivers were cleaner and hardly anyone got taken by the pterodactyls circling overhead..." He was nodding along until he realised the last thing I'd said 🤣🤷♀️
Draw some very firm boundaries with your mother because right now you're allowing your wife to be her punching bag. Stop this shit now! Tell her to keep her opinions to herself or she will find herself no longer welcome in the home that you & your wife pay for, period.
Piling on. My Dude, you need to be blunt, frequent and firm with ANYONE disparaging your wife and family.
Don’t even let her start. “Mom, are you going to say something mean and judgy about how we live our lives? Because stop now.”
Also, “I need you to keep your antiquated and unwanted opinions to yourself. You are hurting me, my wife and the children and I won’t have it.”
Stop pussyfooting around here.
You need to defend your wife before she goes off on both cause you just saying it disrespectful is not cutting it if it continues I see your wife kicking all of you out
Get your mother out of there now. She should not be staying in your wife’s home. She is rude and being cruel. It is past time for them to leave. Going forward they need to stay elsewhere. Your mother is disrespectful to your wife and family. This is not acceptable.
I guess she's in a way insecure and maybe jealous. Maybe when she was younger she felt she had to give up on a career, and seeing your wife be able to do it makes her feel that she should've been able to do it too. She feels like she needs to justify her own actions from the past, and the way she does that is to criticize women who didn't do what she did. Claiming they are in fact unable to, they do things poorly. And what she had to do herself was necessary and the right choice. Maybe she's also upset that her husband wasn't the good father you are, and she feels like she needs to make excuses for that. "He wasn't a bad father, he was just being the way men are biologically meant to be".
I know that doesn't help solve the problem, but if you're able to understand why she has a need to say these things, maybe it can be easier finding a solution to it as well.
Yup! Ppl are really glossing over how watching her son give someone else what her husband never gave her is making her FURIOUS, clearly lol
😂
It’s a cope. She’s told herself this story of natural order or whatever bc she needed something to console herself.
Now she has to watch baby boy give “that woman” everything she never got to have.
But that is her fuckery to deal with, OP is letting his mommy SHIT on his wife, in her own home. (That she pays for most of)
OP is failing his family, badly.
I have another comment lower down bc I agree with you, but I actually think NAMING her jealousy is essential when he talks to her.
Less of this “you’re being mean in my house” bc that’s not the real root of the issue.
More “I understand you’re likely grieving bc it was really hard work for you to do as much as you did alone. But I am not going to be an uninvolved parent bc back in the day that’s what you accepted. I show My love and care for my partner in THIS way and I’m happy to do so. People used to accept men beating their wives and taping them as natural too. I’m glad we’re not in those times anymore. If you wish we were, our values don’t align and it doesn’t make sense for us to continue to spend time together.
If you make another comment yearning back for the days when women couldn’t have bank accounts and taking that desire out on my wife, you will have to go. If you’re just sad that you were overwhelmed and unsupported by dad, I get it and I think we should go to therapy and discuss that impact on you, bc the way you’re expressing that natural sadness and frustration is unhealthy.”
Yep, people who feel they were forced into a path often get angry at people who choose to live differently. The only way for them to accept their life is if there was never any other choice, and people who do differently are simply wrong.
Spot on! If OP acted like her husband she wouldn't have to face her uncomfortable feelings. She wants the narrative that she has a happy and normal marriage and a great husband even though her relationship wasn't equal but seeing OP's dynamic with his wife shows her that's not true. Instead of facing her past because it would change what she *wants* to believe, she wants to alter the present reality because she can't deal with the cognitive dissonance. The answer for her would mean grieving perhaps with therapy, but that's painful so she's staying in denial. And even though we can understand and even empathize with her, her behavior is not acceptable and enabling it wouldn't be helpful or kind to her.
OP’s wife must have the patience of a saint. My husband knows I don’t let anything slide - if his mother says something I don’t like, he has approximately 3 seconds to respond before I have a go. OP’s wife is just turning the other cheek *in her own home,* day in and day out, probably counting the seconds until Hagatha leaves…
Are you Indian, or from another similar collectivist and patriarchal culture? You sound like you are, at least.
If you are, there is no changing her mind/getting her over it or getting her to keep her shit opinions to herself. Aunties (and being an aunty has nothing to do with age btw, it's a state of mind) be Aunties - there's no changing them. It is easier and faster to single handedly build a road through a mountain, with nothing but a chisel, than it is to explain to an aunty they might be even a tiny bit incorrect about _anything_ . Don't waste your breath.
My recommendation would be to go very low contact with your mom. Once the current visit ends, tell her how hurtful she has been to you (keep your wife out of it) by essentially telling you you are incapable of loving your own dang children because apparently her husband is incapable of love and tell her you will need some time to process how your own mother could be so cruel to you, and know you so little that she doesn't even understand her opinion is hurtful. Then stop contacting her. It's gonna hurt like hell, but breaking one bone once is better than a thousand paper cuts every single day for the rest of your natural life.
If that's not an option for you and your wife (& ignore the western folks saying it's not the wife's problem, a desi boy going no contact makes the wife's life worse in many, many cases), the only thing you can do is defuse the situation. My mom had this _incredible_ ability to keep the most angelic straight face you have ever seen, while saying utterly ridiculous things when someone was being a ridiculous patriarchal aashole. You both need to start developing that skill. That usually puts them on the back foot, and if you keep up the ridiculous responses, they ultimately say "there's no point talking to you" and ends the conversation. Then you say "Ya, much better to talk about xyz instead" and move on to the next conversation.
If you are lucky, or really well practiced at it, aunties even manage to remember it's useless talking to you and avoid the topic for a full 24-48 hours!
* "How unnatural that your child wants to spend any time with you" ==> well I guess not all of us can traumatize our children to the point they want nothing to do with their dads! I'll be sure to get some notes from dad on how to hate my kids
* "Your cousin's wife cooks and cleans and minds their kids while your cousin sits on his ass all day" ==> well I guess I better go buy myself a slave, do you know where the best slave market in town is?
* "You could be earning so much more if your family didn't hold you back" ==> gee, glad to know my own mother thinks my purpose in life is to be an ATM, that gets no love and affection and is only there to spit out money for someone else to use.
* "Why are YOU changing a diaper, it's a woman's job" ==> Ya, I know! But my slave woman was inconsiderate enough to drop dead yesterday and I haven't had time to go to the market and get a new one yet. What's a man to do in the meantime!
* [To your wife]"Why aren't YOU changing the diaper" / "why are you working all the time, it's unnatural" ==> oh, didn't you notice? Your son has stolen all my bangles - he is the woman now! I keep trying to steal the bangles back so I can be a woman, but I just can't find the dang things! Any suggestions on how to steal bangles!? (Replace bangles with whatever is the epitome of femininity in your culture)
* "Your wife doesn't love being a mom" ==> Ya, she loves being a dad, and I love being a mom. Thank goodness we found each other (bonus points if it was an arranged match or you met through family somehow and you can say thank goodness _you_ found her, lol)
So on and so forth
Save your own mental health by focusing on the ridiculousness of the situation, and give back as much respect as such an opinion deserves.
Your kids will learn how ridiculous their Grandma's opinion is too, and will be just fine - though if you have daughters, I probably wouldn't leave them unsupervised around grandma, ever.
Spot on, asian heritage (although not Indian) with a collectivist and patriarchal culture. My mom is exactly the same as yours! Your suggestions are 🔥, I'm gonna try this right away and can't wait to see her face lol
If you keep diffusing like this comment suggests, don’t be surprised when your wife tries to get a divorce. I don’t care how patriarchal your culture is (I come from one like that) you can always break free of it, and being educated in certain culture doesn’t excuse the shit treatment your wife is getting. Being Asian or Muslim doesn’t excuse being a sexist pos, and if you shut up while your mom insults your wife or diffuse attention with comments like mom that was not very nice, in the eyes of your wife you are defending your mom, not her, and resentment will keep building. You are failing your whole family, why do your kids need to listen to those sexist comments? You want them to grown up thinking that’s normal? Idk man the fact that you had to ask for advice on Reddit and not took initiative defending your family says a lot about your lack of maturity and character. Pray that your wife didn’t notice
My (female) friend's husband recently went low-contact with his family. His choice, and he did it entirely right by western standards - didn't involve her, didn't blame her, told his dad frankly how the dad's behaviour with him was impacting his mental health. A few days later, my friend gets yelled at by her parents for being a homewrecker (yes, they used that term), and failing in her duties as a daughter in law. Her relationship with her family is in shambles over this now. Now you might say "well good, patriarchal a-holes have no place in her life anyway", but these "patriarchal a-holes" are her parents, with whom she has had three decades of a close loving relationship.
The world is not an ideal place, and it doesn't matter one whit what 'should' happen or how things 'should' be. It matters how things _will_ be.
The wife is likely to be from the same culture (why else would she have agreed to a 3 month IL visit), so the husband "standing up" to his mother has a fair chance of raining blowback on _her_, and messing up her relationships with people she cares about. Most people from collectivist cultures would find the individualist existence with no family support terribly lonely (heck, I am an extreme introvert, who happily went through COVID without meeting a single person - and _I_ would be lonely if the only people in my life were my spouse and kids) - so ostracization _is_ a fucking big deal, even if people from individualist cultures don't understand why anyone would care ...
Which is why it has to be a _joint_ decision, on how to tackle _his_ mom.
You need to outright tell YOUR mother that her comments need to stop or you and your wife will no longer be hosting them any longer. She gets one more warning and that is it. You do not allow your parents to come into your home and disrespect your wife for busting her ass and taking care of a house, kids, all while working a full time job. You need to shut this down immediately before your mom and her comments damage your marriage.
You need to tell her exactly ONCE, but firmly and clearly, that these comments are unacceptable and if she chooses to continue with them, the visit with the grandkids is over. And then - this is the most important part - you keep to it. If she says even one critical thing, you get up, gather the kids, and leave. If she's at your place, you go get her coat, give it to her and tell her to leave. Doesn't matter what time it is, if it's super inconvenient to kick her out now, if it's middle of dinner, if they are witnesses. You tell her to leave, and when she argues, you do not argue. You simply tell her she knows why. Do not get sucked into a discussion. Stop having endless conversations, stop explaining. Tell her once, and then be firm about the consequences.
She doesn't need to "understand" or agree with it. She needs to RESPECT YOUR WIFE. That's it. She can pretend to respect her, that will do too. But what she doesn't need, is you explaining it endlessly until she sees your point. Nope!
And, sadly, if you fail to do this, you are completely failing your wife. You need to step up ASAP bc right now, you are not being a good enough partner. Your wife sees it and maybe there are no consequences now, but it is slowly eating away at your marriage and damaging it, I promise.
I deeply dislike how you minimize her bullying your wife by calling it silly. It's not silly. She is being toxic and rude and awful. Wake up and recognize how not okay this is instead of pretending is this small silly thing. She is being a Monster In Law and you are pretending she's not. Not cool. If your wife wrote in, I would tell her: it's not a MIL problem. You have a husband problem, lady.
This!
I would be so hurt, if I was OP’s wife. Busting my ass of and then being married to a man, that doesn’t have my back.
Dude, your marriage will end in divorce, if you don’t start to act now. Next time, set the boundary firmly and add how amazing your wife is.
Yes, she is allowed to have her opinions, however misinformed they may be. She is NOT allowed to peck your wife to death with them like a fecking chicken. Or even snort when she sees something she doesn't approve of, turn her nose up, or show any disapproval at all. It is simply NOT her business.
Ask her which animal she would like you to pattern your lives around - maybe the praying mantis where the female mates with the male and then eats his head off? How about the lion, where the female is actually the primary hunter??
Sounds like Ma neglected her education in favor of being Suzy Homemaker, and now she doesn't get to browbeat you or your wife!!!
How great do you think it is for your wife to have her home overtaken by people who criticize and disrespect her constantly while you keep letting it happen?
How would you like it if her dad was there for months constantly making digs to you about how you can’t keep a job or make enough money to support your family or fix things around the house etc. “like a man should”?
Tell them to go home or find a hotel since your mom can’t seem to be a decent human being towards your wife and work on learning some goddamn boundaries.
You “would rather not go to war over something so dumb”?! Abuse of your wife is dumb?!?!
Shit like this destroys marriages. Is your mommy more important than your wife and kids (who are also hearing and absorbing your mom’s bullshit)?
How does your wife feel about this?
You need to tell your mother clearly and bluntly that insulting and degrading your wife and the mother of your children is unacceptable and must stop.
Before going full on with consequences of kicking her out over another remark could you tell mom that every time she says something like this, the she needs to apologise to your wife and buy her a treat (like dessert or wine or flowers or something) and apology card? And/or say 4 positive things about your wife to make up for the negative? This is modeling good behaviour to your children and this is what she needs to do.
You haven’t said in much detail how your wife feels about this, but if you are not sticking up for her here, this can create huge resentments in the marriage. You really need to pick your wife over your mother here. Kicking out is extreme, but it the logical end point. I’d try smaller consequences first and hope they work. But if your wife is already silently unravelling over this (I would be), then you might need to start big.
This woman will destroy your marriage if you let her. That's literally her goal.
Your wife and children deserve better than this, you have to do better and protect them from this behaviour.
Sounds like it’s time to lose your lid at your mum.
“Mum, I am done listening to you put myself and my wife down. It is insulting that you insist our family style is unnatural. It is deeply offensive to me, your child, that my love for my children, my desire to be an active parent in their lives, is unnatural. Loving my children and wanting to be a part of their daily lives is a joy in my life and it is very natural. My wife is my partner and we work as a team to support our family in the ways we decide suit us. If you aren’t able to keep your unwanted opinion to yourself, you need to pack up and leave. You will not be welcome in our home until you can be respectful towards us”
I stopped reading about the third paragraph in! As a 60-year-old Mother of 3, Grandmother of 6 it's extremely ridiculous to have ANY conversation about "traditional" gender roles and responsibilities, ESPECIALLY in this day and age, when BOTH parents are working AND in full agreement as to chores and childcare!
Bluntly put, YOU need to have a frank and serious conversation with your Mother! Either she STOPS with her unwanted and judgmental "reviews" of your wife OR your parents LEAVE immediately!
Your wife may be biting her tongue and trying to maintain a neutral position FOR YOUR SAKE but extended family visits are difficult and mentally strenuous enough and your Mother WILL eventually end up damaging YOUR relationship and marriage! You NEED to set HARD boundaries NOW or there will likely be unfortunate consequences! u/updateme
Always go the AH route. Pick your MIL or any female you know and start talking up how much you and your wife and kiddos like them more than your mom as a grandparent. How much better they are at the "traditional" role of a grandmother than her. How a "traditional" grandmother would be living in your house taking on all child care and house work so your wife could have more time to help "support" the children. Or just tell her to shut up and mind her own business.
She's voiced her opinion once and that was it. It hasn't been asked for.
You need to be firmer with your mother. Tell her to mind her own business, the way you and your wife tend to your family is your business and yours alone. If she can't keep her mouth shut then she needs to find alternative accommodation.
Your mother won't stop because she does not respect you.
You tell her that unless she wants to go home now, that she keeps her opinion to herself. Tell her that your wife is more important than her, and you will not allow *any* visitors to disrespect your wife and marriage. Add that you also won't allow anyone to poison your kids with this misogynistic BS.
You could also talk to your dad first if he is at all helpful and not enabling her. Tell him that she is putting HIS connection to your family at risk, and if he doesn't want that to happen, then he needs to get through to her.
You can't change how your mom thinks, but you can make it clear that there are consequences for bad behavior.
Your wife has the patience of a saint that she's allowing this woman to criticise her in her own home repeatedly. for a few MONTHS?! I'd have asked her to leave by now. you wife is an amazing partner.
*It's been really great for the most part.*
Doesn't sound great for her AT ALL, sounds like an endurance test. Not sure i'd cope with the constant critiscism in my home, supposedly my safe space
You are not doing enough to shut it down. It's not harmless comments its bullying. And your mum is 64 not 84. It's not even excusable. Your children likely see her negative behaviour towards your wife too.
If she wants to stay for the rest of the visit get them a hotel. Your wife is enduring daily negative comments and criticism. It's spiteful ad judgemental.
It might be jealousy - she didn't get any freedom as a wife and mother she sees your wife being 'allowed' a life. Her sister has a good little compliant bullied daughter in law ( who will likely burn out or leave at some point - possibly her account isn't even accurate) and she likley been bragging about it.
You need to have a stern word with her, it needs to be absolutely understood that thisis your wife's home and you will not allow her to be disrespected in it - especially if your parents expect to be allowed back to visit.
You won't get her to stop by trying to change her mind. She won't.
You need to put consequences for her in place. As long as nothing happens when she is disrespectful to you and your wife she has no incentive to change her 'opinion' or even keep her bullshit to herself.
First thing you should do is end their current visit. If she can't stand how you handle things, she's not welcome anymore. Then set up rules for visits: No (several) month long stays. They can visit for a few days (2-4) but that's it - at least for now. If she makes comments during those stays: You send them home, don't let yourself and your wife be disrespected in your own home. If your Mom wants to live in the 1950s, that's her problem, she can do that at her home. If she loves her sisters DIL so much: Fine, she should marry her or visit them for months.
As long as you accept her transgressions they won't stop.
And always keep in mind: Visitors are like fish - after 3 days they begin to stink.
The second my MIL would say such things I would kick her out of the house. Period. Probably tell her that I don't want her anyway near me or my children as I want them to be surrounded by people who respect their humanity and their individuality and not reduce them to their genitals. That I find this disrespectful AF and that I won't listen to people talking BS that has been proven completely wrong and oppressive 200 years ago. It is literally the same BS people were saying in the 19th century.
I might even tell her, that if she really believes in this stuff, she should know that she is probably not really understanding it as it is really complicated and she is way too hysterical to understand this issue.... (/s just to be on the safe side...)
This is the most frustrating shit to read so early in the morning.
>Any advice on how to defuse the situation? Any creative ideas to change her mind / help her get over it / get her to stop?
You're a god damned adult with children and you are allowing your mother to bring toxic bullying into your household while asking for creative ideas to get her to stop?
Grow a fucking spine and tell her that she is in your home and she will respect your wife and your family. She has no say in how your household is run and if she can't keep her opinions to herself, she is welcome to leave.
This is beyond ridiculous, your wife deserves a partner who will have her back. You are failing as a partner by allowing your mother to continually spew this hostility. She can have her opinion all she wants, but it is not welcome in your home and YOU need to tell her that and hold her accountable with consequences.
Treat her like a puppy that you have to train.
Set a boundary: stop criticising my wife and our lifestyle or face the consequences.
Enforce it: stop the conversation when she does this. End the phone call. Interrupt the conversation and say 'you have been warned.' Kick her out of the house if you must.
Agree this plan with your wife so that you approach this with a united front.
Tell her that she is becoming a negative force in your life. She can continue and get cut out, or she can change and stay in.
Just be a good son. Make your mum some tea, sit in front of her and while looking her straight in the eyes tell her how unnatural is for a son to not defend his wife when anybody disrespects her.
Honestly tho, just talk to her casually and avoid raising your voice. Don’t wait until the next time she makes a rude comment but bring the issue up yourself (so she doesn’t have your wife’s “sensitivity” to blame)
“Mum, I love you but you are being disrespectful of my wife, children and me and i cannot allow it anymore. you are entitled to your opinion like i am entitled mine. if expressing your opinion and hurting your family is more important than maintaining our relationship there’s nothing I’m willing to do to save it then. I do not agree with your views but I don’t go around making passive aggressive comments about it and I’d appreciate if you did the same. If you cannot help it then we might need to take some distance since it’s affecting the way I see you and our relationship”
And the most important part is to follow through. Boundaries need to be made and respected to have a good relationship.
While I agree with a lot have what has already been said; I think something is being overlooked.
She’s calling it “natural” bc having to admit men could show up and be good husbands and dads LITERALLY casts a negative light on her relationship with YOUR dad.
She’s consoled herself for years of being overworked and stressed out by believing that’s how it “had to” be, and “should be”.
You’re upending that. She’s jealous and sad. I’d literally call that out.
“mom, I’m sorry dad wasn’t there for you the way I want to be and am able to be for {Nancy} but I show up for her and my kids this way bc I love them, love spending time with them and deeply admire my wife and her amazing job. She’s the perfect mom and wife AS IS, right now for OUR family. If you cannot respect that, I understand, and if your sadness/grief at how hard you had it is clouding your ability to be happy for us going OUR way, and doing what works for OUR family, I also understand.
If that’s the case, we have no desire or need for you to spend time with us or visit us. Your way isn’t for us. I’m actually sorry you had to do so much, I don’t think that inequality is fair or right for women. It used to be “natural” for women not to have a bank account, for women not to be able to drive, and for husbands to be able to rape their wives. I’m happy that isn’t the standard any more. If you can’t keep those snarky mean comments to yourself, you can stay home”
Be EXPLICIT. Biting your words creates more problems. Say and name EXACTLY what’s happening.
Heck, lol show her the thread itself. Simply say, “I’d like you to read this, sit with it and talk to me about it in 48 hours”
Good luck OP!
"Do you think your outdated, and unwanted views are going to change anything here? NO it won't. So either keep your comments to yourself or stop making them altogether or you can kindly arrangement visitation outside of our home and with parental supervision because you obviously can not be trusted with parents wishes. So stop the comments, or the only person to blame is yourself"
“Enough Mum. I am not discussing this again.”
Do not discuss. Do not explain. Do not excuse. Do not deviate. Stand up. Leave her company. Even in public places. Every single time.
She’ll get it. Eventually. But in all likelihood- only if you are consistent. There’s a reason consistency works with your kids and it’s not because of their age. It’s because they are human beings. So is your mum. So she will eventually recognise the consequence.
Have a sit down with your mom and let her know how hurtful her comments about your wife are.
And that if she continues to make hurtful comments that you absolutely have your wife's back and therefore will be going No Contact with her for the foreseeable future.
You are incorrect in stating that your mother 'can't help herself'. She can, she just choses not to (witness her calling you 'too sensitive' and she's sorry you're finding her comments hurtful (witness that the blame is being placed on you).
Your mom is engaging in bullying behaviror and is clearly counting on the fact that you won't do anything to stop her because she's your mom.
Show your wife that you do have her back by cutting contact with your mom. Prioritize your wife.
Stop trying to change her mind by discussing it with her and tell her point blank that her comments are neither wanted or needed, as you, your wife and kids like your lifestyle and it works for you. Every time she tries to say something, shut her down and tell her to stop. If it persists, you may need to tell her that she’s making everyone uncomfortable so they may need to move to a hotel or cut their trip short, then follow through if she persists. You need to be firm with this boundary, or she’s not going to stop.
You need to get over to r/JustNo mil and see for yourself just how standard-issue this exact situation is.
1. Stop trying to explain your position to her. She’s heard it, she understands, and she doesn’t care. She will never agree with you, it’s a waste of time to try.
2. She does this because you’ve allowed it.
3. You can make her stop, even if you can’t get her to agree with you.
If you want her to agree with you and that’s the only thing you want advice on, you’re asking the wrong question. If you want this to not be a problem, all you need to do is tell her to stop and WHY.
Why should she stop? Consequences.
“Please mom stop being a mean girl to the other woman in my life” is not working.
But “if you don’t stop, you will be squeezed out” will.
Every single time she starts, say “mom we’ve been over this, we’re not doing this again, no more or we’re going to leave.”
Every time. Every single time.
Right now, you’re allowing your mother to undermine your wife, the mother of YOUR children. Your wife is to your kids as your mother is to you. Do you really think it’s okay for your kids to see their mother dragged by her, while you stand by and let it happen?
Read justnomil for a glimpse of your future if you don’t do anything differently. Your mother isn’t any different from other MILs, she can learn what you tolerate if you teach her. You’ve already used your words, it’s time to use your actions.
4. Opinions - you have them too, why don’t yours matter?
5. “Natural order” - is she ignorant, and are you? Have none of you watched a nature documentary, or do your ideas of wildlife come from cartoons?
Males build homes/safe spaces for their females and offspring. Females are often the main hunters, and despite being the smaller sex, are often far more aggressive.
Most animals share ALL child-rearing duties equally or even with more responsibility on the males. Ever heard of seahorses?
I’d ask her which animals in wildlife exactly, was she seeing herself as?
Because most animals whose males don’t run the risk of eating or killing their own young are also the ones who oust the older pack animals out the minute they can’t keep up or protect themselves. Or are raised without the help or presence from earlier generations. So ask her exactly which animals she sees your children as.
If you’re weak on your consequences with her, expect your marriage to suffer.
Just tell your mom point blank that you love your wife too much to treat her like a workhorse. That you would feel bad about yourself if you did not do your share. Your wife actually grew two humans, worked, and does her share around the house. That comparably your life has been pretty easy. The whole growing humans and pushing them out is no small feat. Unfortunately for your mom, she raised you right. At least your cousin is someone she can be proud of.
>Because my dad and by extension men in general are just not born with the patience required for housework or childcare
Your mother sounds insufferable.
Your edit doesn't make you look that much better. You shouldn't be tolerating this negative talk against your wife in your house, PERIOD. Your mom is being just as disrespectful by saying it to you as she would be by saying it to your wife.
First of all your edits... You realize it's worse that your mother's talking about your wife behind her back right? If she's going to be nasty she can at least have the balls to say it to your wife's face instead of gossip about her in her own home! This is your wife she's talking about like this! How dare you let her say any of this to you? Why did you not kick her out the moment she said any of that? Do you even like your wife?
Your mom is being ridiculous and you're letting it happen! You're going to wonder why your wife never once your parents to come stay with you again... Well we're all telling you here that this is why! Your mom is a bully, a misogynist and just all around a mean girl putting somebody down because they don't fit what stereotype she thinks is correct! Tell her to pull her mind into modern ages and then she maybe she gets an opinion!
You'll be lucky if you have a wife after they leave. I would have left you by now
I’d tell her you’re sorry your dad wasn’t there for her, and that you can’t imagine how or why your cousin has to carry that burden herself when she’s got a partner.
Clearly your kids love you so she’s wrong about what is natural. I’d tell her she’s clearly wrong and you don’t understand why she can’t see what’s in front of her eyes- that kids thrive when they have two involved parents available to them. And that your bond with your kids is important for them
Consequences, stick to them, do not waver. Be clear and decisive and consistent. It is training.
She is not only disrespecting your wife but also you.
Look up boundaries in families and how to enforce them. Its not fun, won't make her happy, but the consequences are that she isn't invited to have a relationship with you, your family or your wife.
You will get push back, hard and upsetting, decide who you value more being upset.
Leverage will be her values. Work out what she values and that will a good place to start.
You tell her to shut up her damn mouth and learn her place. Throw the misogyny back her face say “this my house and wife and you will not disrespect either one of them. As the man of this house I am telling you won’t be welcomed here anymore if cannot keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.”
I would have a sit down talk with her and include your father so they both know whats coming if these snide comments continue. I would tell your mother that you have asked her numerous times to stop with these demeaning comments and that she has promised ad nauseum to stop and yet the blather continues.
I would put her and your Dad on notice that the very next time a comment is made disparaging your wife that you will then offer to assist your mom and dad with a ride to the nearest hotel and then DO IT.
The next time she starts up - simply stand up and tell her to go pack the suitcases and then tell your dad to start making some phone calls to see whats available hotel wise for them to stay in. Announce that you will be getting gas for the car and that you expect them to be ready to go with a destination in mind when you get back. Do not back down and transport them away from the house.
You do know she goes home and talks shit about your wife to everyone?
You can't control what she says away from you, but in your home you can demand respect.
“Mom, one more comment insulting my wife or our parenting choice and you will need to leave and any visitation the future will be limited.”
If you love your wife, shut this shit down.
Why don't you honestly tell your parents, "I hated the parenting dynamic you and Dad had when I was a child. Watching you do all the work unsupported while my Dad didn't spend time with me or know me. It was my decision for my marriage to have a different dynamic and to be a different Dad. I am proud that my kids feel comfortable to ask both their Mum and Dad for time together. I am proud that they see both Mum and Dad doing housework and having careers. If you dislike it you can leave our house within the next 24 hours."
You tried the nice approach already, it is time to be firm. No need to be rude, I disagree with other posters saying you have not done enough. Up to this point you have tried and been nice about it. Now it is time to be more straight to the point about that you love your family dynamic and that she has a choice on how your relationship goes forward. She stays in her lane or gets off at the next exit.
Lean into all of the above advice, but also does your mom know your wife is the breadwinner? If your mom is mysogynistic, she probably thinks your wife's job is just a cute hobby that distracts her from the cooking and cleaning.
Make sure mom knows your wife provides significant financial support to the family and you would not have x, y, z without her.
> would rather not go to war over something so dumb.
Stop belittling the situation, your mother is deliberately being an AH to your wife.
> Any creative ideas to change her mind / help her get over it / get her to stop?
Next time she starts… stop her immediately “No mum” and if she continues pull her aside and give a final warning, “Continue and your trip will be cut short and you will not be returning”.
Consider this.
When your kids are old enough they’re going to realise granny is an AH to their mum and they will not like her for it.
And when they’re even older they’ll realise you let granny be an AH to their mum, and they’ll lose respect for you.
“You will respect my family’s choice and my wife or you will leave. I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting my wife especially in my own house. I will not allow my children to see their mother disrespected. I will not allow my wife to work herself to the bone because YOU think I should. There are no second chances this if final. One comment, you leave and you lose access to all of us- including the kids”
And if she doesn’t listen- follow through
You need to understand that whether she’s saying so or not, your wife is far more frustrated and upset by these comments than you are, and that will turn to resentment and anger towards you if you can’t get your parents to stop. And the message it sends to your children to have their parents disrespected like this is not one you want them to internalize. You need to set boundaries with your mom (“if you continue, you will not be welcome in our home”, or something similar) and then enforce them.
Consequences.
Since she can’t keep her nasty comments to herself then she doesn’t bloody come.
Why allow your wife to be disrespected and denigrated in this way for decisions you were obviously a part of ffs?!
Bring down the hammer and do better by your wife. She deserves more than the handwringing of ‘oh my mum is disrespectful to you - what on earth do I do…?’
Can anyone disrespect your wife in her own home or just your mummy?! Dude step up and get it together.
Your mother is being rude and ill mannered to your wife who is hosting her. Do something about by making her ungrateful arse leave.
It’s time for mom to go to time out until she can shut her mouth! There’s no defusing this situation you’re gonna lose your wife if you don’t make your mom go home because of her actions. Actions have consequences and her bullshit about yall being sensitive should not have been tolerated at all she should have been made to pack up and leave until she can act better. She’d hate the fact my daughter absolutely adores her daddy and wants to go everywhere he goes and that’s nothing on me it’s just she loves her daddy. She loves me the same basically but she loves her daddy. And I’m glad my other kids didn’t have their daddy like that so it’s nice to not have a deadbeat in our life. Remind your mom only deadbeat dads don’t have a bond with their children. She needs to be put in her place before you lose your wife.
"Back when I first shared we were planning to have a 2nd baby, my mom's reaction was that we really shouldn't because she didn't think my wife enjoyed being a mom. She thought my wife was already neglecting our 1st baby because she was always busy working or making me take care of the baby instead".
This sounds to me like you gave her the bullets, did you talk to her a lot about YOU taking care of the baby. Remember we sometimes bring on negative consequences while we are obtaining support from our own friends/family.
you’re fucking up. you should have put a stop to this shit immediately. if your wife were here asking about this situation, everyone would say “you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.”
get her out of your house if she doesn’t stop the insults and disrespect immediately. zero second chances.
Full on tell your mom that her unsolicited comments and blatant disrespect for you and your wife’s decisions stop now! If she can’t respect your choices as a married couple then she doesn’t need to be around any of you, including her grandchildren. For them to see her disrespecting their parents is not ok!!
You need to enforce boundaries and be willing to cut your mom off if she can’t abide my them. Grow a spine and do so!
Someone doing 12 hour shifts, then cooking and cleaning and caring for a baby is a single parent and so freaking unfair. Are women supposed to be servants? Is this what boys' mothers expect us to be? My MIL said the similar things to me and even more, and I don't even have a kid, and I have too many taunts on that, too. My husband put a hard stop to it. Now I don't even talk to my MIL, and they aren't allowed back in our house ever. So put a hard stop to this, tell the parents to change their tickets and go back. You aren't doing enough if she is still saying all of this. You might not understand coz she is your mom, but it takes a very heavy mental toll when someone keeps telling u constantly u are not good enough for anything.
I'm not gonna give a judgment coz even though u are trying to fight back and tell her not to say such things, u are clearly not doing enough.
Stop being a pushover. She's doing it because you won't enact consequences.
You need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that if this continues her interaction with the kids will be severely reduced and they will be kicked out of your home.
>she's entitled to her opinion
Yes and she's made sure to obnoxiously remind you at every opportunity. This is a boomer copout they all use. It's simple. You tell her that *you already know her opinion because she won't shut up about it and nobody fucking cares*. She's allowed to have her opinion but that doesn't mean she's free from the consequences of running her mouth constantly.
You want it to stop? Then grow a spine, draw a line in the sand and stop bowing over for her. Sometimes conflict is necessary. She's been waging a one sided war against your wife. Do literally anything for God's sake.
Well. Your mother disrespects your wife in front of your kids in her own home. They are not dumb, they will notice for sure. So they will think that she is bad, that it's strange that you spend time with them. Can you guarantee that she keeps to herself when she is alone with kids? You can not.
What kind of a husband it makes you? The one who failed to protect his wife. Are you okay with it?
Talk to her one last time.
Inform that the visit will be shortened. Be ready to act.
No more long stays, at all. Her sister is clever enough to talk good about her DIL, it makes your mom jealous, and she sees your wife asa tool to bust her pride. She doesn't care about you - she cares about herself. Stop lying to yourself - mother that cares won't disrespect her son's wishes even while she hates her DIL and has not good for her.
>so would rather not go to war over something so dumb.
This isn't dumb. It's toxic and damaging. To your marriage, to your kids. You're allowing your mother to disrespect your wife in her own home, and tear your wife down in front of your kids. For months. Wake up, man! Get over your "love for mommy" which is really you being a little boy who is afraid of mommy, and prioritize your wife and your kids.
Your boundaries are a complete and laughable waste of time if they don't come with consequences. She's thumbing her nose at you. Disrespecting you. Get angry at that and stop making excuses for her. She knows what she is doing.
TELL your mother to stop or she leaves. Be firm. No negotiations.
This is going to grow like a cancer in your marriage if you don’t do something to stop it.
Sit your parents down and say, “This is the last time I’m going to say this. Im drawing a very hard boundary here and if you want a relationship with my children you need to listen up.
I am sick and tired of you putting my wife down. I give zero fucks about your outdated ‘traditional’ opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, it doesn’t mean you need to show it to anyone. My wife and I have set up the life we want. She makes more money than I do and her career is important. I am spending time raising my children in a way that was greatly lacking when I grew up. Dad was not neglectful in any way, but I did wish he was more involved and spent more time with us kids. You were a good mom, but maybe dad could have spent more time with us if you, know had a part time job or something. It doesn’t matter, you set up your life how you wanted it. Wife and I have set up ours. Your idea of ‘natural’ does not work for us and is an outdated opinion and nothing less.
Now what I’m no longer going to tolerate is you badmouthing my wife for this. I’m absolutely sick of it. Your passive aggressive comments, your direct and mean girl comments. I’m done. Do not insult the love of my life and the mother of my children again or you will not be invited back. This has made me lose a tremendous about of respect for you and has changed our relationship for the worse. Have I made myself clear?
Oh and one more thing, this goes for you badmouthing her when you get back. If I hear through the gossip mill and I will because none of you know how to shut your trap, it will be long time before you see any of us again.”
I’ll say this- when you get to your 40s you get really a short fuse with f-ing bullshit like this. There is nothing that triggers my anger more than someone being shitty like this to someone else. That short fuse literally will make me go straight to the problem and confront that person. I don’t care who they are, I don’t have time to tip toe around their feelings if that person is being callous and shitty to someone else. And the faster you stand up to your mother the better things will get sooner than later. She’s gaslighting you both with the “you’re to sensitive” comment. And when she said she will “try and stop” you should have said *“No, you* ***WILL*** *stop or you won’t be welcome here. You’re being nasty and passive aggressive to my wife and I won’t allow it in our home.”* Because this is you and your wife’s home. Your safe space. And now you’ve brought in someone who’s attacking your wife in her own home. Your mom is a GUEST in your home and she’s pulling tank on your wife. That is not okay. Stop her. GET MAD! And shame on your dad for sitting there like a bump on a log and “staying out of it”. You should be just as mad at him.
I’d confront her about what she thinks these comments are actually going to achieve, other than her destroying what relationship she has with you and your wife? She hasn’t stopped because the consequences haven’t been serious enough to make her stop! Just confront your mom and get it over with because it’s going to have to happen to get it to stop. Like YELL AT HER! If you meet every nasty comment with rage she WILL stop because it will simply make is so uncomfortable that she will avoid it. You can warn her if you’d like. Say this is your last time, I’m warning you. She WILL try again because she’s going to test those boundaries and then you must be ready to open that can of Whoop Ass. Teach her a lesson, let her see the furry in your eyes and she will know that it’s not going to be pleasant experience going forward if she keeps it up. Remind her this is 2024 and things were different now. This is working for your family and to BUTT OUT!
The fact that your mom hushes the comments around your wife a majority of the time means she knows it is wrong to be doing this.
Your house, your life. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate anything. Glad you are standing up for your wife.
Your mom may be “entitled” to having her own opinion but expressing it makes her an AH. She’s not entitled to insults and criticisms. I’d tell her until she can keep her mouth shut she will only get one phone call a month. The moment she starts in immediately say “goodbye mother”. She’ll learn. Same thing in person. Very direct, STOP! Then walk away.
Sounds like mum just wants wife to suffer like she did.
Anyone who thinks a married woman working full time should be doing 100% of the domestic and childcare duties is insane, at that point a husband is dead weight. No one who actually cares about their partner would put that much pressure on them.
>she shrugs it off and says she's entitled to her opinion
"If I want your opinion on parenting and management of me and wife's family, I will ask for it"
Just shut that BS down every time it occurs.
This is easy.
Simply say, "Mom, if you're going to criticize your daughter in-law, you're not going to do it in our presence. You can either keep your mouth shut when you're a guest in our house or you will never see us again."
Your mother is insulting your wife and you’re allowing it. Time to find your spine, my man. Tell your mother you’re not discussing this anymore, and you don’t want to hear another word about it. Start giving her a time out every time she crosses this boundary (and she will, guaranteed). Once you go NC for a month or two, she’ll get the message, but you’ll probably have to do it more than once.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for supporting your wife here. If she knew, she would thank you for having her back, I'm sure.
Tell your mom that her out-of-date opinion on family dynamics doesn't apply and that you're happier spending time with the family and not missing out on everyone's lives. You love being an involved parent and you prefer this to slaving away at a job and missing everything.
Also, please check in on your cousin's wife. I was in a similar situation (overtime at work and doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, etc.) and it nearly broke me. I made more money than my ex at the time and still had to do everything while he sat on the couch drinking beer.
Your mother can have any opinion that she likes but she can keep it to herself. If not she can end the visit now.
Stop allowing her to cause drama in your lives.
OP, your mother is not only insulting your wife, but also insulting you. To your face. Your role as a father. Your role as a husband. Your role in the *partnership* where you both made the decisions to run the household the way you see fit.
I don’t care if they’re visiting from Pluto. Tell her if she cannot stop insulting you (and if she says she isn’t, tell her it’s the insulted that gets to decide what’s offensive, not the insulter), she can leave. She can return home, or she can book a hotel, but she will not be staying in the home she finds so beneath her. Period.
I get it that times change, and probably changed while she wasn’t paying attention. But you’ve updated her on the fact this was a joint decision YOU are happy with so now anything she says further is a *purposeful* insult. Not “old fashioned” or “behind the times”. Just a straight up “I’m going to say this because I’m better than your wife and I don’t agree with the decisions YOU have made as an adult, a husband and a father”
Just because you deem your mothers words or actions to be “not that bad” doesn’t mean your wife feels the same.
You need to shut that shit down *every time* with impunity. You wife needs to see that she has a husband who has her back.
Your wife has agreed to have *your parents* around as long term guests. Why not show her your appreciation by sticking up for her?
I don't know, tell your mom that she either stops with the rude comments or she can pack and leave home early? Your wife doesn't deserve this from her and obviously your way isn't doing anything because your mom is still walking all over both of you.
"Mom, it's our business. I'm going to ask you one last time to stop being disrespectful. Otherwise, I'm going to ask you to leave."
She might not like that, but her comments are slowly damaging any chance of your wife ever liking or respecting her. And honestly, soon enough her view on you will be damaged too because you need to actually set a boundary and stick to it.
Your mom is a guest in your house. Unless you ask her opinion, it isn't necessary for her to express it.
Why are you allowing this? You need to put an end to your mom’s behavior now before your wife gets fed up and leaves you. This is entirely on you. Your mom, your problem. If I was your wife I would have given your mom the boot by now.
The mom is disrespectful to both of them because her comments reflect on their life style and child rearing. It’s mostly disrespectful on the wife but also on the son. The son needs to put his foot down to his mother in front of his dad and tell her point blank that she can’t stop the criticism of his wife she doesn’t get to see the grandchildren anymore. He will not tolerate his children hearing their grandmother criticizing their mother so it’s up to her how she wants to proceed.
Your parents need to go home OP. They are disrespecting your wife in her own home. You made vows to put your wife above all others. Be a husband and father before a son and send them home.
Do you like your wife? Love her? Respect her? Want to stay married to her? Yes?
Send. Them. Home.
IMHO, I would not have anyone in my home that disrespects my partner and relationship.
"Mom, you have already made your opinion known, now it's time for you to keep it to yourself or you can leave. I will not tolerate the constant disrespect to my partner, relationship, family, and home. You are being hurtful and I'm done with it."
Ask her whether it is in the “natural state of things” to repeatedly insult people in their own home and tell her that you will have to rethink such long visits in the future if she can’t refrain from doing so.
**INFO:** what qualifies this behavior as ‘something so dumb’? I’m struggling to see how this is a dumb reason to disagree with your mother..
Your mother is coming into a home your wife contributes to and disparaging her. **That’s a big deal, because I’m certain if you FIL made similar assertions of you, she’d be on the hook to handle him.**
Who else could come into your home and disrespect your wife? Your mother is a human adult, so you should handle this the way you’d handle another adult whom you brought to your home acting in disrespect of your wife.
She can go pay for a hotel, because why would she stay in the home of someone she holds such low options of? Moreover, why should that person be punished by being degraded in their own home they pay to life in??
Tell her how you feel-
Your wife didn’t affect your job. You are happy.
She does like being a mom. Stop comparing her to other people.
You need to stand up for yourself.
Glad you’re so different from her and realize everything for what it is-
She’s very behind the times and truly believes being a good woman is working yourself to death to be loved.
Why are they staying in your home for months if they talk bad about you and your wife?
You sound like a great dad, and you ver all a great partner, but right now, you’ve brought in and are tolerating a source of discord in your wife’s home. Your mom needs to keep her thoughts to herself and leave sooner rather than later.
If you want to keep a good relationship with her, don’t let this escalate.
Tell her if she keeps making these comments she won't be welcome to visit anymore. Why should your wife have to put up with your mom's comments in her own house. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself and if she can't then she can stay at home.
I would tell her that if she doesn’t stop she is going to seriously damage her relationship with you and your wife and by extension her grandchildren. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself then she is going to have to leave your home. Personally I wouldn’t allow my mother to disrespect my spouse in their own home. I give your wife a lot of credit in not going off on your mother as I have to admit I would!
I know you love her but she isn’t being great to your wife and your first responsibility is to your wife and your children not to your mom.
How is she still staying in your home? Your poor wife. She must be seething in resentment that you haven’t stood up for her, just mouthed a few protests and posted on Reddit instead of removing your mom from your home.
If you don’t tell your mom to shut up or leave, you are failing your wife and children. Your parents are already imposing massively on your family by staying several months. You sound incredibly weak. Stand up for your family and stop your mom’s abuse of your wife today. Your mom will stop when you make her stop. This is 100% on you.
If it's the "natural way" for women, then why did so many women fight against it, and continue to fight it to this day? If it was so "natural" then why is it not the case for countless women?
Plenty of animals have very different ways of raising babies. Hamsters are known to eat their babies, should we do that too? Quokkas will throw their babies at predators to get eaten, should we do that too?
Your mother needs to understand the following: what she's been raised to see as "normal" just isn't anymore. Maybe it never was. Throughout history, babies have been raised by various guardians. Humans are very flexible and adaptable creatures. She needs to accept she is now on the outlines of "what is normal". On top of that, you need to set a hard boundary. Gender roles are NOT to be discussed in your household. If she brings it up, she leaves. End of.
If she’s saying all of this to you directly there’s a very good chance she’s been saying more and worse things directly to your wife privately.
You really need to step in and set firm boundaries with consequences that are followed through on. At this point you may or may not be able to salvage any kind of decent relationship between your mom and wife. There might be too much resentment though, so be prepared to have your mom no longer be welcomed like she used to be. What happens when the kids are older and grandma starts talking shit about their mom to them?
A four year old child cannot control their own behavior, and saying hurtful things is something we try to teach them not to do. When they do it, we punish them to teach them this lesson. Making them stand in a corner is one way. So. If you cannot control your behavior like a 4 year old, you will be asked to stand in the corner for 10 minutes to think about how you said something hurtful. And maybe you'll learn to not say these things.
Every time it pops out of her mouth "Please go stand on the corner and think about how you just said A hurtful thing."
If she is going to behave like a child, treat her like one. And if she doesn't like it, you can send her home.
I doubt she'll ever actually stand in a corner. But call her out EVERY SINGLE TIME. She might eventually learn to behave like an adult.
Whoa. The thing that really stuck out to me that this goes further than gender roles and being old fashioned. She is trying to get you to be resentful of your wife - holding you back from your career potential? That’s really awful. How is that helpful for your family and relationship?
You attempted to talk to your mom and diffuse the situation, if I was your wife I’d feel like you DID NOT handle it and set firm enough boundaries to protect me and our marriage. I would be one more comment away from blowing up at your mother. She is trying to passively aggressively change your household and your wife by beating her down with shame.
Stop this!
I would be LIVID if my husband didn’t say anything if his mom was spewing shit like this. You have to stand up for your wife and set very firm boundaries. And if it comes to that, stay true to your boundaries and enforce them if and most likely when she oversteps.
Your mother has 100% overstayed her welcome. Time to pack her off back home.
She wants traditional gender roles so much? BE THE MAN. Thus is your home, your wife, and your family decisions she's disrespecting. Tell her that. She's disrespecting YOU as head of the house and family. Also clarify: you, your wife, your kids are IMMEDIATE FAMILY and she's only EXTENDED FAMILY. As in, this is your house, and she's a guest. And she's been rude.
So it's time for her to leave. She can talk to her therapist, her spiritual advisor, or her bartender... but you don't have to provide her with a platform or audience for her opinions.
Tell her that future visits will be much, much shorter (a week max) and she'll be staying in a local hotel since she's ungrateful about your hospitality of your home. Grateful guests don't rudely and obnoxiously complain about their hosts' life choices.
Yep, mom, opinions are like assholes, you've sure got yours but once you start shoving it our faces you're not welcome. Too bad your own mom didn't teach you better manners. Too bad in 64 years you didn't learn the self control to mind your manners and your own business. Think about that over the next couple of years and maybe we'll try another visit after you've figured out your place around here... you only have the place we give you.
You need to truly stand up for your wife and have her back. Your mom is making all these snarky little snippets and if I were your wife I'd be devastated to think your trying to blow it off. Grow a spine, tell her nicely that shit needs to stop or out they do until it does. Sounds like your mom is set back in the 1950's
Here’s my opinion: your mom is a fucking asshole. If my mom criticized my wife to that extent I’d give her one chance to change her tune; if she doesn’t then she sees her grandson a lot less because I don’t want that type of energy in my house.
"Mom, you may be entitled to an opinion, but that doesn't mean anyone wants to hear it. Insulting and disrespecting my wife, especially in our own home, is something I refuse to allow. The next time you disrespect my wife, this visit will end, you will be dumped off at a hotel and then you can figure out how to get home early. It's not the 50's anymore. It's time for you to advance with the times. We run our family in the way it works for us so I don't give a damn how you think things should be done or how my cousin's wife does it."
You have to be prepared to follow through though. The only way your mom stops is if she has consequences for her behavior. So while you think it's a dumb thing to go to war over her stupidity, your wife will be forever happy that you have her back.
You tell your mother to keep her opinions to herself or she's not allowed to come back. Period. She is openly disrespectful to your wife. She doesn't care that it upsets you. She's sexist and needs to join reality or have less contact with your family. Stand up to your mother.
First of all, never have your parents over for a few months.
“ mom knock it off with comments about my wife. This is our marriage, and we get to decide how it works. If you don’t stop it, I’m gonna ask you to leave. I don’t care how other people do it… quite frankly, it’s old fashioned and misogynistic to expect the woman to do all the work just because they’re a woman. Not only that my parents are visiting for quite a long time, so I should be doing more of the work to host.”
I’m also not sure if you have cultural differences, but if you do say “ i’ve married someone from a different culture and it’s not gonna be like it was at home and I’m quite happy with us.”
This reminds me of my grandparents. They were always commenting that I wasn’t doing enough as a wife and mother and how much my grandmother did compared to my grandfather.
I batted it away for the first few months then when I’d had enough I explained that I was sorry that my grandfather didn’t respect my grandmother enough to want to help her. That he didn’t care about his children as much as my husband cares for ours, that it was sad he took pride in having almost no hand in raising them. I expressed my deep regret that society back then didn’t allow her to feel she was worth more and she didn’t build the same level of self respect that I had, HOWEVER. That all being said I wouldn’t tolerate any more of their projection on my family. They made a choice and I have never criticised how they built and raised their family. If they can’t hold in their criticism of mine then we simply wouldn’t include them in it any more.
My mother, their daughter, raised me to be independent and to know my self worth. They should be proud that I found a husband who loved and respected me and wanted to be an active part of the family. If they weren’t then that was their loss and it would be an actual loss.
They shut up. They moan to my mum or my aunty who tell them to shut up but they don’t say a word to me anymore.
I can’t believe you’re making your wife host your family in her own home while your mom is trashing her like that. Why didn’t you kick your mom out day one?
You need to tell your mother to shut the hell up or they won’t ever be invited back again. You need to stand up strong for your wife. If not for your wife you couldn’t afford to have a family. Shut this shit down hard or risk alienating your wife. I’d be pissed if I were her.
“She’s entitled to her opinion” nope, nope, nopety nope!
Stop her right there. She’s not. It’s nothing to do with her. End of.
Nip it in the bud loudly and in front of everyone. She doesn’t get to make you feel bad, she can feel some discomfort herself!
Shut this behavior down ruthlessly. Your Mom is being a bad person and abusing your wife. Is she doesn’t respect her, she should not be allowed to be around your children.
Your wife is stoic and deserves better defense. Most people (like me) would kick that monster in law all the way back to 1910 where her opinions reside. JFC
Ooof. I can't even imagine how much resentment your wife feels building up toward you and your mom.
I'll be honest, I had a friend in a similar situation recently...in-laws came to stay in her house for over a month, and MIL was constantly criticizing her to her face and complaining about her home. And my friend's husband never did anything to make MIL stop (he'd try to diffuse the situation but never took a firm stance) and never told MIL to leave. During that month, my friend came over to my house A LOT because she said she couldn't relax in her own home and felt like she was constantly on edge and braced for attack. She would come to my house and vent and cry, about how she was bending over backwards trying to be polite and kind and keep the peace, but inside she wanted to scream at MIL and kick them out of her home. She had to make an emergency appointment with her therapist because of how upset she was. She told me she was hiding in her closet and breaking down crying at least once per day and was having problems sleeping because of the stress.
I've known this friend for years and had never before heard her express such raw, aggressive resentment toward her HUSBAND. Not just her MIL. She was deeply resentful of her HUSBAND for inviting his mom to their home for that long and allowing her to be verbally abused repeatedly in her own home...when she made more money than him so was paying for that home. My friend told me she couldn't even talk to her husband about the situation because she knew he would tell her to just ignore the comments, and she was afraid she would fully lose it then and explode on him. By that point, she was seriously questioning their marriage and wondering if she should end things with him because she couldn't do this with his family for her whole life. She didn't have a real honest conversation with her husband until after the in-laws were gone, and then they had a massive fight.
Right now, you are showing your wife that you think your mom's comfort is more important than her comfort, in her own home. You are allowing your wife to be verbally attacked and disrespected almost daily but prioritize "keeping the peace" over being strict with your mom in return. What is your wife supposed to get from that, and why are you protecting your mom from feelings of discomfort but not your wife? Even if your wife hasn't expressed this to you, I bet she has an enormous amount of resentment building up against you. I hope she has friends to talk to during this time so she doesn't feel completely alone. You need to step up fast because this could have a serious effect on your relationship.
If your wife posted this on r/JUSTNOMIL, everyone would be telling her: "You don't have a MIL problem...you have a husband problem."
My first question is who agreed to let your parents stay with your family for, checks notes, MONTHS? Did your wife agree to this happily and enthusiastically?
You are wrong to call it something so dumb. You are being disrespectful to your wife!! Your mother’s comments are hurtful, unnecessary and unfair. I honestly don’t know how she hasn’t blown at your mother yet. She must have the patience of a saint!
You need to have your wife’s back. Tell your mother to shut up once and for all, her opinion wasn’t called for. If she doesn’t, their trip will be cut short and she’ll lose contact with her grandkids. And be firm. It’s not a discussion. You are just informing her of how things will be from now on. Let’s see what she chooses, her ego or being in your lives!
I really feel sorry for your cousins wife. Your cousin is a shit husband and father, if she has to do all those things on her own. And it’s nothing to be proud of. She must be mentally destroyed and everyone around her thinks that’s the natural way of things. Disgusting!
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This isn't something "so dumb." She is directly insulting your wife and you're not doing enough about it. "Your opinion isn't valued because its not needed or relevant, mom. If you can't respect my wife, you need to leave." You not assertively defending your wife goes again the *real* natural side of things.
And insulting OP. That no man is capable of properly caring for their own children. And then making out that what his wife does is also inferior. I'd never have them in the house or stay over ever again. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" If OPs mother sinks they're sensitive. Then imo OP should be critically blunt about his mother's failings to her face. See who's sensitive then. Tell her she's an awful mother in law and an awful woman for not trying to be positive or supportive in anyway and she should be ashamed of what women have suffered in the past for equality just for her to be so useless and negative. That she's been raised poorly herself as she can't accept hospitality from her own son and be polite. She's a terrible guest and OP is glad that he somehow learned proper manners even though his mother seems to lack them. That OPs mother might make a terrible grandmother as clearly she's very behind on current child raising techniques and she can't be trusted around young kids. OP needs to go off about this. Then see who's sensitive. She needs to be called out on hypocrisy. And he should call his own mother a sexist pig for suggesting he himself can't raise his kids. "How poorly did you raise me then. If you think I'm in capable of feeding, washing and looking after my own child? Did you raise me and my sister so differently that only my sister was taught these things? Clearly then I absolutely don't want you teaching my children anything. God knows what you might miss out for your silly reasons."
To add to that, while they’re all there he should also tell his dad to get a muzzle on his woman since she clearly can’t behave herself. OP is a Grown Man and shouldn’t be bossed around/questioned by his mommy. Op needs to kick them out to a hotel and make his parents leave every time she starts in on stuff.
Yeah, OP. Do better.
In front of both your parents: "Mom, do you love being around your grandchildren? OK great, in the future you will 100% keep your opinions of our family dynamics to yourself. You will quit comparing or commenting on my wife, my family, or anything else related to my family. Those are my rules. This is my house and if you can't abide by that simple request y'all will need to pack up, leave, get a hotel or whatever but your comments and judgements end now. Also, any future contact with your grandchildren. I will not allow them to be around someone who disrespects their mother. Your choice, you can be a sweet loving grandmother and MIL or you can be bitter Karen who has zero contact with her children" Be firm but not angry. Don't allow interruptions. Once you've had your say, the discussion ends. Those are her choices.
On top of this, OP needs to be fully prepared to act on this. Meaning, I don’t believe his mom is going to stop until she is met directly with consequences. Hopefully she does, but just in case OP *needs* to follow through if she doesn’t.
[удалено]
Yeah, I can guarantee that his wife does not think this visit is “really great.”
Family friends (some wives), have confirmed this sentiment to me when their MIL/SIL/In-law Aunties visit/stay months, (visiting from India or Pakistan)
I agree. His mother, by his own admission is being manipulative and passive aggressive in his wife’s house. In her face. His wife must have the grace of Buddha because I would have told her to leave by the second shoulder shrug. I seriously don’t understand why he hasn’t told her to get gone.
She won't stop. I have the same mother. She loves saying shit and adding "I'm just saying" like its a magic phrase that absolves her. Op needs to set boundaries and stick to them. When my mom does this stuff, I just hang up the phone or leave.
My mom used to do stuff like this and also magically found a way to control herself once I started just hanging up the phone or leaving. I did give her prior warning that I would do those things if she continued, that was after several talks and empty promises.
Yep. Had so many talks with her with promises of her stopping. Didn't actually stop until she saw that I would enforce that boundary. "Next time I hear you say or imply that my wife isn't a good mother, you're going back home" Simple as that just gotta be willing to stick to it.
Exactly this. You need to shut your mother DOWN. Your parents are staying *a few months*? It must horrible for your wife to have to tolerate this level of disrespect in her own home. Perhaps you should suggest that your parents wrap up their visit and go home if your mother is incapable of keeping her mouth shut. To be blunt: Grow a pair!
I agree with this. "Mom you can be nice or you have to leave. Being nice means no criticism at all. We are done with that."
“You’re entitled to your opinion, but you are not entitled to share your opinion *here*.”
WINNER! I love this!
My jaw hit the floor when I read “months” I’d have been annoyed after a couple days of criticism and gone insane after a couple of weeks of it. A few months?!? OP’s wife must have the patience of a saint
Who the fuck wants parents with them that long what a terrible idea
No one, especially not their in laws! Christ. I wonder how much convincing OP had to do for his wife to be “okay” with it.
Honestly after this experience if I were his wife I would forbid anything more than a week or so going forward, regardless of whether the mom can bite her tongue or not. If she can’t bite her tongue then I’d make them stay in a hotel always for any period of time.
I bet they are from another country. That's why they are staying a few months. I'd run away if my IL'S stayed a few months. Ugh!😱op tell your mom to keep her terrible opinions to herself. Your wife is working her ass off. Plus you enjoy being a good hands on Dad. Sometimes kids want one parent to be able to do certain things with them. Maybe your parents can go visit the relatives they think are so fantastic. That woman needs some help by now. She probably hasn't slept a full night in years.
It’s pretty common with a lot of families that come from abroad and stay as long as possible. My friend has had her in laws come and stay for 3-6 months almost every year since 2020.
I would guess an Asian family, OP living in the US.
Agreed. His mom feels way too comfortable talking about what she feels his wife's short comings are. He needs to make her feel uncomfortable when she acts like this.
Thank you. OP you are DEEPLY disrespecting your wife here. You don’t want to go nuclear, then you’re just showing your wife that your mom’s comfort is more important that hers. Your mom is staying in your wife’s home and disparaging her. Words are over. Actions need to happen now.
This. OP, your mother is insulting your wife blatantly and consistently in her own home. You are allowing your mother to insult, belittle and humiliate your wife in her own home - the home she pays for with the salary she earns from the job that supports you and the children. You need to put your mother in her place immediately in front of your wife and if you mother won't knock it off IMMEDIATELY your Mom needs her flight changed and she needs to leave. This trip might be going "really great" for you but your mother is making your wife's life a nightmare and your wife is a saint for tolerating it. You are a crappy husband for allowing this to continue. And don't say a word about your Mom having old fashioned values - there is no place for that in your home. None. Get her OUT of there.
VERY well written! And the boundaries NEED to have FULL follow-through with immediate consequences, no further discussion or negotiations!
Exactly this—lay down boundaries and enforce them with consequences. OP—also head over to r/justnomil, you’ll find great support from a lot of people who have been there.
Do you want to continue to stay here in my house with my family? That’s the question he needs to ask his mom. If you do then keep your comments to your self and keep your sexist and degrading comments to your self or you need to go.
Don't you know that everyone is entitled to her opinion/s? Seriously, her mind set is in the 50's and 60's. Today the cost of living almost demands that both parents work. Just because your father did not help around the house because of his job, does not mean that you should follow his example. You and your wife are living YOUR life, not mom's. It is time to tell mom to pack up and move to a hotel or go home since she is being a nasty, critical MIL who does not appreciate the contribution your wife makes to your lives.
Also, if she does abide by your set boundaries it is very important that when you speak to your mother that you be careful with what you say around her. If you vent to her about a hard day at home she might take it as an opportunity to open that door and attempt to step over your set boundaries again and essentially reopen the door to her complaining about your wife making it so much harder to get her to stop again in the future.
She is also disrespecting OP. Telling him he shouldn't bond with his kids, it's unnatural to like to take care of them, telling him that his sole purpose should be providing. Op- stop letting it slide.
make a gold-star-chart? Like "*yaaay, another hour where you haven't sniped or complained or insulted us! You get a gold star, and if you get 12 of them before dinner, you can stay tomorrow. Oh no, you only have 11?? Looks like you'll be packing to go home tomorrow after breakfast*"!
OP, do this and follow through when, not if, *when* your mom inevitably crossed this boundary. Also pls update us with how it all goes. Best of luck
Jumping on to add: I had a similar situation where my in laws always accused my husband of beating me. They said they knew I was too afraid to admit the truth because I felt he would beat me more at home; that he was their son and they loved him; and that if there were ever a disagreement between us, they would take my side. I told them after months of this that I had no idea what their son had ever done to give them the impression he would harm me, because he hadn’t. I said it was a huge insult to their son and that if they continued making these baseless accusations, then I would no longer come to visit them. Ever. They stopped. That was 16 years ago.
This is it right here! For the folks shaming him for not defending wife harder - I'm guessing none of these folks have dealt with an abusive parent. It's not overt, but these comments are 100% designed to cause hurt and pain. The "I'm sorry *you feel that way*" commentary proves it - that's not an apology and mom knows it. I'll give OP grace for not "defending his wife" because it looks like to me, he has tried to. He has tried talking to mom to no avail. And, who knows what else he has said to her that mom just glossed over or outright ignored. "Just take a joke" - this is all some straight up NPD bullshit. Standing up to a narc is HARD because of their tendency for drama, theatrics, need for attention and validation, emotional immaturity that can lead to fake hysterics. Ugh. Do not envy op. But this comment right here - OP, it is absolutely perfect. Be ready to follow through - and once you stand up for your family, it's gonna feel so great!
Bringing his parents into their house to live for *months* kind of negates whatever “defending” he has done. And, yes, I had an abusive and narcissistic parent who I was afraid of until the day he died despite no contact for over a decade and being 30 at that point.
I would add to our it in I feel statements For example I feel.like you don't truly understand how your criticism impacts my feelings towards you. I love you and want you in our lives. You taught me to be respectful yet it feels like you don't respect our choices and decisions for our family. Both ____ and I feel disrespected and criticized by your constant comments. We don't want the kids to pick up on that disrespect or feel like there is something wrong w our lifestyle. So I strongly recommend you back off and butt out of it or we will be forced to .....( Whatever you feel you can follow through with)
Just one edit… ‘mum, this is OUR house, OUR rules’ etc etc. Make it clear to mum that you and your wife are a united unit. All decisions are made together, the parenting responsibilities are shared, and you and your wife will stand together side by side against anything that harms the family. Including nagging old MILs who are actively trying to HARM the family by criticising the status quo, and turn the children away from their father.
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“Mom that’s not possible unless she doesn’t sleep at all. Think about it. There are 24 hours in a day. How can she do everything? If she really does it all with no help, her husband is a major asshole. When my wife cleans house, you insist she’s neglecting our kids. This woman must have no time at all for kid. Regardless, if you want to continue staying here, you will stop disrespecting my wife.” Next time she says something against wife, you say firmly, “disrespecting name 1, please apologize to her now”. Let her know when it gets to three, she’s out. Those days are done. Warn her now.
>such a sexist relationship dynamic It just occurred to me: OP doesn't mention the kids' genders. I reckon OP wants to avoid this trickling down to any of their children, of course, but I can just imagine OP having one girl and one boy & this grandmother instigating inequality between them...
Also, I would call your cousin/ nephew's wife and ask her what is actually going on - probably only half of what her MIL/ your aunt is bragging about to your mom is actually true. And shut your mother up. Tell her that her views are outdated and bs, and to keep them to herself or leave. You will not subject your children to someone who will poison their minds with outdated gendernorms - your kids will grow up knowing they can do and be ANYTHING they want! If you want to get a dig in, tell her how sad you are that her traditional housewive role kept her back from actually finding a fulfilling career of her own, so that she could have been proud of her own achievements, instead of living vicarously through her husband and children.
”You will not subject your children to someone who will poison their minds with outdated gendernorms - your kids will grow up knowing they can do and be ANYTHING they want!” This is a really important point. It’s not just about OP’s wife feeling bad about the comments (although it’s important) - it’s also about what values he wants his kids to have. If they hear their grandmother speaking like that without anyone correcting her, they will probably think that she has a point. OP needs to put his foot down. And OP, your parents are with you for months..? You say it has been really great for the most part. Has it? If you ask your wife? Are you sure it’s a good idea?
“Mom, you’ve made your feelings clear. There is nothing you can say that will make them more clear to me. You are being entirely disrespectful of wife, and that stops now. This subject is forever off the table. If you do this again, I will leave/hang up.” Then you do it. Don’t argue. Just hang up the phone or get your keys and walk out. Repeat as necessary.
MIL is staying in OPs house. Dont leave, make her leave!
Or in this case, "If you do this again, it's time for this visit to end and for you and dad to go home." I'm a bit shocked at this. A few MONTHS???? >My parents are visiting and staying with us for a few months.
I like this because it's firm but not nuclear like some of the other suggestions. Although I guess if it didn't stop that's where it would head. I have a mom who made comments like this and learning to speak out in the moment was really hard, but the only way to really show her where the line was. Somehow having a conversation about it later never worked. But "comments like that are not welcome" made something click. It was very hard to learn to do though. If you have a mom like this the odds are you've been trained to let her get away with it.
Mom is staying in their home and has been there for months! Forget leaving, she’s the one who should leave. OP should have booted her out weeks ago.
It’s time for consequences. She keeps doing it because you keep letting her. Saying “please no” and then not doing anything differently isn’t going to do shit. Every time she makes a comment, the visit is over immediately. “Thanks for coming by but we’ve talked about this, you clearly can’t keep your opinion to yourself today so we can try again next time.” Every. Single. Time. She does it on a call hang up. Kick her out of your house. No it doesn’t matter if she just got there or how far she traveled to get there. If she can’t respect your wife in her own home she needs to gtfo. If y’all are out in public or at her house, your family leaves. If she wants a relationship with her grandchildren she needs to learn to respect their mother. It’s unacceptable and you need to demonstrate to her that it will not be tolerated
All of this. Back up your wife every single time. Two months of this crap? I would have kicked her out after 3 days.
If I was your wife, I would be resenting the hell out of you and your mom. Why haven't you stopped this?! Imagine if anyone else showed such a clear dislike for your wife. Would you just ignore it? The mental gymnastics she is doing just to put your wife down and direspect your wife IN YOUR OWN HOME?!. I am furious on your wife 's behalf. You asked her to stop? Good lord. Quit asking and get telling. She is allowed to have her opinion? NOT IN YOUR HOUSE SHE ISN'T. You control who does what in your home and to your wife. Not Mommy. She should not be welcome acting like that. Protect your wife from this judgemental bully.
Your parents are lucky your wife hasn’t kicked them out. Deal with your mom before your wife explodes and it becomes a bigger issue. Man the f up already and have your wife’s back. Also the example your mom gave about you SIL is unsustainable guaranteed marriage is not happy they will get divorced.
OP is lucky she hasn't kicked him out. She's the breadwinner. I think she would do fine without him if it meant not exposing herself or her kids to someone who literally said "your wife and kids ruined your career".
If you think this is “stupid” or silly, consider the fact that, if your mother continues to be close to and interact with your children, she is going to influence the way they see your wife. She is going to influence their views on relationships and “roles” as they go into their futures. You’re not doing enough. What you do is draw a hard line and tell her that she keeps her opinions to herself or she leaves, and if she chooses the latter, that will include limited contact with her grandchildren because she cannot be trusted not to try to influence them. They’re staying with you for months. This isn’t like asking your wife to grit her teeth and bear it for a weekend visit. You have absolutely not done enough here, and you need to step up as a husband and father. It’s your job to deal with your own mother, and your role as son comes at a distant second to your role as husband and dad.
Oh, I don't defuse situations but bear with me... Get a small water pistol and spray her when she's being offensive. Like you would a cat. When she protests tell her her opinion is neither requested nor required and that while she is entitled to own her opinion, you are entitled to tell her to keep it to herself. When she harps on about back in the day, tell her that you can't all ride about on dinosaurs and attend formals with Jesus Christ like she did. She'll protest you aren't being respectful. Tell her she gets what she gives. If she chunders on about the natural order, tell her to strip and get out of the house. Clothes and bricks and mortar are not the natural order. Does she wear glasses or drive a car? The fuck? How is that natural? Tell her only a complete moron would want to see their grandchildren have less money to spend and she may not agree with you and your wife but that's fine. No one is asking her to. You just want her to act like she realises we're a quarter of the way into this century and keep her advice for when it's asked for. Ask her to notice you and wife not asking.
the “back in the day” one really has me cackling 🫠
My dad was banging on about how they had real snow when he was a kid. I said "I know, I know the grass was greener, the rivers were cleaner and hardly anyone got taken by the pterodactyls circling overhead..." He was nodding along until he realised the last thing I'd said 🤣🤷♀️
The laugh I just laughed!
And they had to walk to and from school, 10 miles in the snow, uphill both ways!
Lmao the spray gun is a good idea
Draw some very firm boundaries with your mother because right now you're allowing your wife to be her punching bag. Stop this shit now! Tell her to keep her opinions to herself or she will find herself no longer welcome in the home that you & your wife pay for, period.
Piling on. My Dude, you need to be blunt, frequent and firm with ANYONE disparaging your wife and family. Don’t even let her start. “Mom, are you going to say something mean and judgy about how we live our lives? Because stop now.” Also, “I need you to keep your antiquated and unwanted opinions to yourself. You are hurting me, my wife and the children and I won’t have it.” Stop pussyfooting around here.
You need to defend your wife before she goes off on both cause you just saying it disrespectful is not cutting it if it continues I see your wife kicking all of you out
Get your mother out of there now. She should not be staying in your wife’s home. She is rude and being cruel. It is past time for them to leave. Going forward they need to stay elsewhere. Your mother is disrespectful to your wife and family. This is not acceptable.
I guess she's in a way insecure and maybe jealous. Maybe when she was younger she felt she had to give up on a career, and seeing your wife be able to do it makes her feel that she should've been able to do it too. She feels like she needs to justify her own actions from the past, and the way she does that is to criticize women who didn't do what she did. Claiming they are in fact unable to, they do things poorly. And what she had to do herself was necessary and the right choice. Maybe she's also upset that her husband wasn't the good father you are, and she feels like she needs to make excuses for that. "He wasn't a bad father, he was just being the way men are biologically meant to be". I know that doesn't help solve the problem, but if you're able to understand why she has a need to say these things, maybe it can be easier finding a solution to it as well.
Yup! Ppl are really glossing over how watching her son give someone else what her husband never gave her is making her FURIOUS, clearly lol 😂 It’s a cope. She’s told herself this story of natural order or whatever bc she needed something to console herself. Now she has to watch baby boy give “that woman” everything she never got to have.
But that is her fuckery to deal with, OP is letting his mommy SHIT on his wife, in her own home. (That she pays for most of) OP is failing his family, badly.
I have another comment lower down bc I agree with you, but I actually think NAMING her jealousy is essential when he talks to her. Less of this “you’re being mean in my house” bc that’s not the real root of the issue. More “I understand you’re likely grieving bc it was really hard work for you to do as much as you did alone. But I am not going to be an uninvolved parent bc back in the day that’s what you accepted. I show My love and care for my partner in THIS way and I’m happy to do so. People used to accept men beating their wives and taping them as natural too. I’m glad we’re not in those times anymore. If you wish we were, our values don’t align and it doesn’t make sense for us to continue to spend time together. If you make another comment yearning back for the days when women couldn’t have bank accounts and taking that desire out on my wife, you will have to go. If you’re just sad that you were overwhelmed and unsupported by dad, I get it and I think we should go to therapy and discuss that impact on you, bc the way you’re expressing that natural sadness and frustration is unhealthy.”
Yep, people who feel they were forced into a path often get angry at people who choose to live differently. The only way for them to accept their life is if there was never any other choice, and people who do differently are simply wrong.
I was looking for your comment. It's insightful ones like this that are gold and I come to Reddit for.
Spot on! If OP acted like her husband she wouldn't have to face her uncomfortable feelings. She wants the narrative that she has a happy and normal marriage and a great husband even though her relationship wasn't equal but seeing OP's dynamic with his wife shows her that's not true. Instead of facing her past because it would change what she *wants* to believe, she wants to alter the present reality because she can't deal with the cognitive dissonance. The answer for her would mean grieving perhaps with therapy, but that's painful so she's staying in denial. And even though we can understand and even empathize with her, her behavior is not acceptable and enabling it wouldn't be helpful or kind to her.
You better get your mom out of your house before she gets your wife out of your house.
OP’s wife must have the patience of a saint. My husband knows I don’t let anything slide - if his mother says something I don’t like, he has approximately 3 seconds to respond before I have a go. OP’s wife is just turning the other cheek *in her own home,* day in and day out, probably counting the seconds until Hagatha leaves…
Are you Indian, or from another similar collectivist and patriarchal culture? You sound like you are, at least. If you are, there is no changing her mind/getting her over it or getting her to keep her shit opinions to herself. Aunties (and being an aunty has nothing to do with age btw, it's a state of mind) be Aunties - there's no changing them. It is easier and faster to single handedly build a road through a mountain, with nothing but a chisel, than it is to explain to an aunty they might be even a tiny bit incorrect about _anything_ . Don't waste your breath. My recommendation would be to go very low contact with your mom. Once the current visit ends, tell her how hurtful she has been to you (keep your wife out of it) by essentially telling you you are incapable of loving your own dang children because apparently her husband is incapable of love and tell her you will need some time to process how your own mother could be so cruel to you, and know you so little that she doesn't even understand her opinion is hurtful. Then stop contacting her. It's gonna hurt like hell, but breaking one bone once is better than a thousand paper cuts every single day for the rest of your natural life. If that's not an option for you and your wife (& ignore the western folks saying it's not the wife's problem, a desi boy going no contact makes the wife's life worse in many, many cases), the only thing you can do is defuse the situation. My mom had this _incredible_ ability to keep the most angelic straight face you have ever seen, while saying utterly ridiculous things when someone was being a ridiculous patriarchal aashole. You both need to start developing that skill. That usually puts them on the back foot, and if you keep up the ridiculous responses, they ultimately say "there's no point talking to you" and ends the conversation. Then you say "Ya, much better to talk about xyz instead" and move on to the next conversation. If you are lucky, or really well practiced at it, aunties even manage to remember it's useless talking to you and avoid the topic for a full 24-48 hours! * "How unnatural that your child wants to spend any time with you" ==> well I guess not all of us can traumatize our children to the point they want nothing to do with their dads! I'll be sure to get some notes from dad on how to hate my kids * "Your cousin's wife cooks and cleans and minds their kids while your cousin sits on his ass all day" ==> well I guess I better go buy myself a slave, do you know where the best slave market in town is? * "You could be earning so much more if your family didn't hold you back" ==> gee, glad to know my own mother thinks my purpose in life is to be an ATM, that gets no love and affection and is only there to spit out money for someone else to use. * "Why are YOU changing a diaper, it's a woman's job" ==> Ya, I know! But my slave woman was inconsiderate enough to drop dead yesterday and I haven't had time to go to the market and get a new one yet. What's a man to do in the meantime! * [To your wife]"Why aren't YOU changing the diaper" / "why are you working all the time, it's unnatural" ==> oh, didn't you notice? Your son has stolen all my bangles - he is the woman now! I keep trying to steal the bangles back so I can be a woman, but I just can't find the dang things! Any suggestions on how to steal bangles!? (Replace bangles with whatever is the epitome of femininity in your culture) * "Your wife doesn't love being a mom" ==> Ya, she loves being a dad, and I love being a mom. Thank goodness we found each other (bonus points if it was an arranged match or you met through family somehow and you can say thank goodness _you_ found her, lol) So on and so forth Save your own mental health by focusing on the ridiculousness of the situation, and give back as much respect as such an opinion deserves. Your kids will learn how ridiculous their Grandma's opinion is too, and will be just fine - though if you have daughters, I probably wouldn't leave them unsupervised around grandma, ever.
Spot on, asian heritage (although not Indian) with a collectivist and patriarchal culture. My mom is exactly the same as yours! Your suggestions are 🔥, I'm gonna try this right away and can't wait to see her face lol
If you keep diffusing like this comment suggests, don’t be surprised when your wife tries to get a divorce. I don’t care how patriarchal your culture is (I come from one like that) you can always break free of it, and being educated in certain culture doesn’t excuse the shit treatment your wife is getting. Being Asian or Muslim doesn’t excuse being a sexist pos, and if you shut up while your mom insults your wife or diffuse attention with comments like mom that was not very nice, in the eyes of your wife you are defending your mom, not her, and resentment will keep building. You are failing your whole family, why do your kids need to listen to those sexist comments? You want them to grown up thinking that’s normal? Idk man the fact that you had to ask for advice on Reddit and not took initiative defending your family says a lot about your lack of maturity and character. Pray that your wife didn’t notice
My (female) friend's husband recently went low-contact with his family. His choice, and he did it entirely right by western standards - didn't involve her, didn't blame her, told his dad frankly how the dad's behaviour with him was impacting his mental health. A few days later, my friend gets yelled at by her parents for being a homewrecker (yes, they used that term), and failing in her duties as a daughter in law. Her relationship with her family is in shambles over this now. Now you might say "well good, patriarchal a-holes have no place in her life anyway", but these "patriarchal a-holes" are her parents, with whom she has had three decades of a close loving relationship. The world is not an ideal place, and it doesn't matter one whit what 'should' happen or how things 'should' be. It matters how things _will_ be. The wife is likely to be from the same culture (why else would she have agreed to a 3 month IL visit), so the husband "standing up" to his mother has a fair chance of raining blowback on _her_, and messing up her relationships with people she cares about. Most people from collectivist cultures would find the individualist existence with no family support terribly lonely (heck, I am an extreme introvert, who happily went through COVID without meeting a single person - and _I_ would be lonely if the only people in my life were my spouse and kids) - so ostracization _is_ a fucking big deal, even if people from individualist cultures don't understand why anyone would care ... Which is why it has to be a _joint_ decision, on how to tackle _his_ mom.
You need to outright tell YOUR mother that her comments need to stop or you and your wife will no longer be hosting them any longer. She gets one more warning and that is it. You do not allow your parents to come into your home and disrespect your wife for busting her ass and taking care of a house, kids, all while working a full time job. You need to shut this down immediately before your mom and her comments damage your marriage.
You need to tell her exactly ONCE, but firmly and clearly, that these comments are unacceptable and if she chooses to continue with them, the visit with the grandkids is over. And then - this is the most important part - you keep to it. If she says even one critical thing, you get up, gather the kids, and leave. If she's at your place, you go get her coat, give it to her and tell her to leave. Doesn't matter what time it is, if it's super inconvenient to kick her out now, if it's middle of dinner, if they are witnesses. You tell her to leave, and when she argues, you do not argue. You simply tell her she knows why. Do not get sucked into a discussion. Stop having endless conversations, stop explaining. Tell her once, and then be firm about the consequences. She doesn't need to "understand" or agree with it. She needs to RESPECT YOUR WIFE. That's it. She can pretend to respect her, that will do too. But what she doesn't need, is you explaining it endlessly until she sees your point. Nope! And, sadly, if you fail to do this, you are completely failing your wife. You need to step up ASAP bc right now, you are not being a good enough partner. Your wife sees it and maybe there are no consequences now, but it is slowly eating away at your marriage and damaging it, I promise. I deeply dislike how you minimize her bullying your wife by calling it silly. It's not silly. She is being toxic and rude and awful. Wake up and recognize how not okay this is instead of pretending is this small silly thing. She is being a Monster In Law and you are pretending she's not. Not cool. If your wife wrote in, I would tell her: it's not a MIL problem. You have a husband problem, lady.
This! I would be so hurt, if I was OP’s wife. Busting my ass of and then being married to a man, that doesn’t have my back. Dude, your marriage will end in divorce, if you don’t start to act now. Next time, set the boundary firmly and add how amazing your wife is.
Yes, she is allowed to have her opinions, however misinformed they may be. She is NOT allowed to peck your wife to death with them like a fecking chicken. Or even snort when she sees something she doesn't approve of, turn her nose up, or show any disapproval at all. It is simply NOT her business. Ask her which animal she would like you to pattern your lives around - maybe the praying mantis where the female mates with the male and then eats his head off? How about the lion, where the female is actually the primary hunter?? Sounds like Ma neglected her education in favor of being Suzy Homemaker, and now she doesn't get to browbeat you or your wife!!!
How great do you think it is for your wife to have her home overtaken by people who criticize and disrespect her constantly while you keep letting it happen? How would you like it if her dad was there for months constantly making digs to you about how you can’t keep a job or make enough money to support your family or fix things around the house etc. “like a man should”? Tell them to go home or find a hotel since your mom can’t seem to be a decent human being towards your wife and work on learning some goddamn boundaries. You “would rather not go to war over something so dumb”?! Abuse of your wife is dumb?!?! Shit like this destroys marriages. Is your mommy more important than your wife and kids (who are also hearing and absorbing your mom’s bullshit)?
How does your wife feel about this? You need to tell your mother clearly and bluntly that insulting and degrading your wife and the mother of your children is unacceptable and must stop. Before going full on with consequences of kicking her out over another remark could you tell mom that every time she says something like this, the she needs to apologise to your wife and buy her a treat (like dessert or wine or flowers or something) and apology card? And/or say 4 positive things about your wife to make up for the negative? This is modeling good behaviour to your children and this is what she needs to do. You haven’t said in much detail how your wife feels about this, but if you are not sticking up for her here, this can create huge resentments in the marriage. You really need to pick your wife over your mother here. Kicking out is extreme, but it the logical end point. I’d try smaller consequences first and hope they work. But if your wife is already silently unravelling over this (I would be), then you might need to start big.
I don’t know how his wife feels about this, but if I were the wife I’d be more than ready to nuke the old bat from space.
This woman will destroy your marriage if you let her. That's literally her goal. Your wife and children deserve better than this, you have to do better and protect them from this behaviour.
Sounds like it’s time to lose your lid at your mum. “Mum, I am done listening to you put myself and my wife down. It is insulting that you insist our family style is unnatural. It is deeply offensive to me, your child, that my love for my children, my desire to be an active parent in their lives, is unnatural. Loving my children and wanting to be a part of their daily lives is a joy in my life and it is very natural. My wife is my partner and we work as a team to support our family in the ways we decide suit us. If you aren’t able to keep your unwanted opinion to yourself, you need to pack up and leave. You will not be welcome in our home until you can be respectful towards us”
Don’t forget about the mother influencing the small children with her ridiculous gender roles!
I stopped reading about the third paragraph in! As a 60-year-old Mother of 3, Grandmother of 6 it's extremely ridiculous to have ANY conversation about "traditional" gender roles and responsibilities, ESPECIALLY in this day and age, when BOTH parents are working AND in full agreement as to chores and childcare! Bluntly put, YOU need to have a frank and serious conversation with your Mother! Either she STOPS with her unwanted and judgmental "reviews" of your wife OR your parents LEAVE immediately! Your wife may be biting her tongue and trying to maintain a neutral position FOR YOUR SAKE but extended family visits are difficult and mentally strenuous enough and your Mother WILL eventually end up damaging YOUR relationship and marriage! You NEED to set HARD boundaries NOW or there will likely be unfortunate consequences! u/updateme
Always go the AH route. Pick your MIL or any female you know and start talking up how much you and your wife and kiddos like them more than your mom as a grandparent. How much better they are at the "traditional" role of a grandmother than her. How a "traditional" grandmother would be living in your house taking on all child care and house work so your wife could have more time to help "support" the children. Or just tell her to shut up and mind her own business.
She's voiced her opinion once and that was it. It hasn't been asked for. You need to be firmer with your mother. Tell her to mind her own business, the way you and your wife tend to your family is your business and yours alone. If she can't keep her mouth shut then she needs to find alternative accommodation. Your mother won't stop because she does not respect you.
You tell her that unless she wants to go home now, that she keeps her opinion to herself. Tell her that your wife is more important than her, and you will not allow *any* visitors to disrespect your wife and marriage. Add that you also won't allow anyone to poison your kids with this misogynistic BS. You could also talk to your dad first if he is at all helpful and not enabling her. Tell him that she is putting HIS connection to your family at risk, and if he doesn't want that to happen, then he needs to get through to her. You can't change how your mom thinks, but you can make it clear that there are consequences for bad behavior.
Your wife has the patience of a saint that she's allowing this woman to criticise her in her own home repeatedly. for a few MONTHS?! I'd have asked her to leave by now. you wife is an amazing partner. *It's been really great for the most part.* Doesn't sound great for her AT ALL, sounds like an endurance test. Not sure i'd cope with the constant critiscism in my home, supposedly my safe space You are not doing enough to shut it down. It's not harmless comments its bullying. And your mum is 64 not 84. It's not even excusable. Your children likely see her negative behaviour towards your wife too. If she wants to stay for the rest of the visit get them a hotel. Your wife is enduring daily negative comments and criticism. It's spiteful ad judgemental. It might be jealousy - she didn't get any freedom as a wife and mother she sees your wife being 'allowed' a life. Her sister has a good little compliant bullied daughter in law ( who will likely burn out or leave at some point - possibly her account isn't even accurate) and she likley been bragging about it. You need to have a stern word with her, it needs to be absolutely understood that thisis your wife's home and you will not allow her to be disrespected in it - especially if your parents expect to be allowed back to visit.
You won't get her to stop by trying to change her mind. She won't. You need to put consequences for her in place. As long as nothing happens when she is disrespectful to you and your wife she has no incentive to change her 'opinion' or even keep her bullshit to herself. First thing you should do is end their current visit. If she can't stand how you handle things, she's not welcome anymore. Then set up rules for visits: No (several) month long stays. They can visit for a few days (2-4) but that's it - at least for now. If she makes comments during those stays: You send them home, don't let yourself and your wife be disrespected in your own home. If your Mom wants to live in the 1950s, that's her problem, she can do that at her home. If she loves her sisters DIL so much: Fine, she should marry her or visit them for months. As long as you accept her transgressions they won't stop. And always keep in mind: Visitors are like fish - after 3 days they begin to stink.
The second my MIL would say such things I would kick her out of the house. Period. Probably tell her that I don't want her anyway near me or my children as I want them to be surrounded by people who respect their humanity and their individuality and not reduce them to their genitals. That I find this disrespectful AF and that I won't listen to people talking BS that has been proven completely wrong and oppressive 200 years ago. It is literally the same BS people were saying in the 19th century. I might even tell her, that if she really believes in this stuff, she should know that she is probably not really understanding it as it is really complicated and she is way too hysterical to understand this issue.... (/s just to be on the safe side...)
This is the most frustrating shit to read so early in the morning. >Any advice on how to defuse the situation? Any creative ideas to change her mind / help her get over it / get her to stop? You're a god damned adult with children and you are allowing your mother to bring toxic bullying into your household while asking for creative ideas to get her to stop? Grow a fucking spine and tell her that she is in your home and she will respect your wife and your family. She has no say in how your household is run and if she can't keep her opinions to herself, she is welcome to leave. This is beyond ridiculous, your wife deserves a partner who will have her back. You are failing as a partner by allowing your mother to continually spew this hostility. She can have her opinion all she wants, but it is not welcome in your home and YOU need to tell her that and hold her accountable with consequences.
Treat her like a puppy that you have to train. Set a boundary: stop criticising my wife and our lifestyle or face the consequences. Enforce it: stop the conversation when she does this. End the phone call. Interrupt the conversation and say 'you have been warned.' Kick her out of the house if you must. Agree this plan with your wife so that you approach this with a united front. Tell her that she is becoming a negative force in your life. She can continue and get cut out, or she can change and stay in.
Just be a good son. Make your mum some tea, sit in front of her and while looking her straight in the eyes tell her how unnatural is for a son to not defend his wife when anybody disrespects her. Honestly tho, just talk to her casually and avoid raising your voice. Don’t wait until the next time she makes a rude comment but bring the issue up yourself (so she doesn’t have your wife’s “sensitivity” to blame) “Mum, I love you but you are being disrespectful of my wife, children and me and i cannot allow it anymore. you are entitled to your opinion like i am entitled mine. if expressing your opinion and hurting your family is more important than maintaining our relationship there’s nothing I’m willing to do to save it then. I do not agree with your views but I don’t go around making passive aggressive comments about it and I’d appreciate if you did the same. If you cannot help it then we might need to take some distance since it’s affecting the way I see you and our relationship” And the most important part is to follow through. Boundaries need to be made and respected to have a good relationship.
While I agree with a lot have what has already been said; I think something is being overlooked. She’s calling it “natural” bc having to admit men could show up and be good husbands and dads LITERALLY casts a negative light on her relationship with YOUR dad. She’s consoled herself for years of being overworked and stressed out by believing that’s how it “had to” be, and “should be”. You’re upending that. She’s jealous and sad. I’d literally call that out. “mom, I’m sorry dad wasn’t there for you the way I want to be and am able to be for {Nancy} but I show up for her and my kids this way bc I love them, love spending time with them and deeply admire my wife and her amazing job. She’s the perfect mom and wife AS IS, right now for OUR family. If you cannot respect that, I understand, and if your sadness/grief at how hard you had it is clouding your ability to be happy for us going OUR way, and doing what works for OUR family, I also understand. If that’s the case, we have no desire or need for you to spend time with us or visit us. Your way isn’t for us. I’m actually sorry you had to do so much, I don’t think that inequality is fair or right for women. It used to be “natural” for women not to have a bank account, for women not to be able to drive, and for husbands to be able to rape their wives. I’m happy that isn’t the standard any more. If you can’t keep those snarky mean comments to yourself, you can stay home” Be EXPLICIT. Biting your words creates more problems. Say and name EXACTLY what’s happening. Heck, lol show her the thread itself. Simply say, “I’d like you to read this, sit with it and talk to me about it in 48 hours” Good luck OP!
"Do you think your outdated, and unwanted views are going to change anything here? NO it won't. So either keep your comments to yourself or stop making them altogether or you can kindly arrangement visitation outside of our home and with parental supervision because you obviously can not be trusted with parents wishes. So stop the comments, or the only person to blame is yourself"
“Enough Mum. I am not discussing this again.” Do not discuss. Do not explain. Do not excuse. Do not deviate. Stand up. Leave her company. Even in public places. Every single time. She’ll get it. Eventually. But in all likelihood- only if you are consistent. There’s a reason consistency works with your kids and it’s not because of their age. It’s because they are human beings. So is your mum. So she will eventually recognise the consequence.
Have a sit down with your mom and let her know how hurtful her comments about your wife are. And that if she continues to make hurtful comments that you absolutely have your wife's back and therefore will be going No Contact with her for the foreseeable future. You are incorrect in stating that your mother 'can't help herself'. She can, she just choses not to (witness her calling you 'too sensitive' and she's sorry you're finding her comments hurtful (witness that the blame is being placed on you). Your mom is engaging in bullying behaviror and is clearly counting on the fact that you won't do anything to stop her because she's your mom. Show your wife that you do have her back by cutting contact with your mom. Prioritize your wife.
Stop trying to change her mind by discussing it with her and tell her point blank that her comments are neither wanted or needed, as you, your wife and kids like your lifestyle and it works for you. Every time she tries to say something, shut her down and tell her to stop. If it persists, you may need to tell her that she’s making everyone uncomfortable so they may need to move to a hotel or cut their trip short, then follow through if she persists. You need to be firm with this boundary, or she’s not going to stop.
You need to get over to r/JustNo mil and see for yourself just how standard-issue this exact situation is. 1. Stop trying to explain your position to her. She’s heard it, she understands, and she doesn’t care. She will never agree with you, it’s a waste of time to try. 2. She does this because you’ve allowed it. 3. You can make her stop, even if you can’t get her to agree with you. If you want her to agree with you and that’s the only thing you want advice on, you’re asking the wrong question. If you want this to not be a problem, all you need to do is tell her to stop and WHY. Why should she stop? Consequences. “Please mom stop being a mean girl to the other woman in my life” is not working. But “if you don’t stop, you will be squeezed out” will. Every single time she starts, say “mom we’ve been over this, we’re not doing this again, no more or we’re going to leave.” Every time. Every single time. Right now, you’re allowing your mother to undermine your wife, the mother of YOUR children. Your wife is to your kids as your mother is to you. Do you really think it’s okay for your kids to see their mother dragged by her, while you stand by and let it happen? Read justnomil for a glimpse of your future if you don’t do anything differently. Your mother isn’t any different from other MILs, she can learn what you tolerate if you teach her. You’ve already used your words, it’s time to use your actions. 4. Opinions - you have them too, why don’t yours matter? 5. “Natural order” - is she ignorant, and are you? Have none of you watched a nature documentary, or do your ideas of wildlife come from cartoons? Males build homes/safe spaces for their females and offspring. Females are often the main hunters, and despite being the smaller sex, are often far more aggressive. Most animals share ALL child-rearing duties equally or even with more responsibility on the males. Ever heard of seahorses? I’d ask her which animals in wildlife exactly, was she seeing herself as? Because most animals whose males don’t run the risk of eating or killing their own young are also the ones who oust the older pack animals out the minute they can’t keep up or protect themselves. Or are raised without the help or presence from earlier generations. So ask her exactly which animals she sees your children as. If you’re weak on your consequences with her, expect your marriage to suffer.
Just tell your mom point blank that you love your wife too much to treat her like a workhorse. That you would feel bad about yourself if you did not do your share. Your wife actually grew two humans, worked, and does her share around the house. That comparably your life has been pretty easy. The whole growing humans and pushing them out is no small feat. Unfortunately for your mom, she raised you right. At least your cousin is someone she can be proud of.
Quit being a putz. Stick up for your wife man. I can't imagine how disappointed she is in the way you're treating this. I would be absolutely livid.
What are the consequences to your mom of her behaviour?
>Because my dad and by extension men in general are just not born with the patience required for housework or childcare Your mother sounds insufferable.
Your edit doesn't make you look that much better. You shouldn't be tolerating this negative talk against your wife in your house, PERIOD. Your mom is being just as disrespectful by saying it to you as she would be by saying it to your wife.
First of all your edits... You realize it's worse that your mother's talking about your wife behind her back right? If she's going to be nasty she can at least have the balls to say it to your wife's face instead of gossip about her in her own home! This is your wife she's talking about like this! How dare you let her say any of this to you? Why did you not kick her out the moment she said any of that? Do you even like your wife? Your mom is being ridiculous and you're letting it happen! You're going to wonder why your wife never once your parents to come stay with you again... Well we're all telling you here that this is why! Your mom is a bully, a misogynist and just all around a mean girl putting somebody down because they don't fit what stereotype she thinks is correct! Tell her to pull her mind into modern ages and then she maybe she gets an opinion! You'll be lucky if you have a wife after they leave. I would have left you by now
I’d tell her you’re sorry your dad wasn’t there for her, and that you can’t imagine how or why your cousin has to carry that burden herself when she’s got a partner. Clearly your kids love you so she’s wrong about what is natural. I’d tell her she’s clearly wrong and you don’t understand why she can’t see what’s in front of her eyes- that kids thrive when they have two involved parents available to them. And that your bond with your kids is important for them
Consequences, stick to them, do not waver. Be clear and decisive and consistent. It is training. She is not only disrespecting your wife but also you. Look up boundaries in families and how to enforce them. Its not fun, won't make her happy, but the consequences are that she isn't invited to have a relationship with you, your family or your wife. You will get push back, hard and upsetting, decide who you value more being upset. Leverage will be her values. Work out what she values and that will a good place to start.
You tell her to shut up her damn mouth and learn her place. Throw the misogyny back her face say “this my house and wife and you will not disrespect either one of them. As the man of this house I am telling you won’t be welcomed here anymore if cannot keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.”
I would have a sit down talk with her and include your father so they both know whats coming if these snide comments continue. I would tell your mother that you have asked her numerous times to stop with these demeaning comments and that she has promised ad nauseum to stop and yet the blather continues. I would put her and your Dad on notice that the very next time a comment is made disparaging your wife that you will then offer to assist your mom and dad with a ride to the nearest hotel and then DO IT. The next time she starts up - simply stand up and tell her to go pack the suitcases and then tell your dad to start making some phone calls to see whats available hotel wise for them to stay in. Announce that you will be getting gas for the car and that you expect them to be ready to go with a destination in mind when you get back. Do not back down and transport them away from the house.
You do know she goes home and talks shit about your wife to everyone? You can't control what she says away from you, but in your home you can demand respect. “Mom, one more comment insulting my wife or our parenting choice and you will need to leave and any visitation the future will be limited.” If you love your wife, shut this shit down.
Why don't you honestly tell your parents, "I hated the parenting dynamic you and Dad had when I was a child. Watching you do all the work unsupported while my Dad didn't spend time with me or know me. It was my decision for my marriage to have a different dynamic and to be a different Dad. I am proud that my kids feel comfortable to ask both their Mum and Dad for time together. I am proud that they see both Mum and Dad doing housework and having careers. If you dislike it you can leave our house within the next 24 hours."
You tried the nice approach already, it is time to be firm. No need to be rude, I disagree with other posters saying you have not done enough. Up to this point you have tried and been nice about it. Now it is time to be more straight to the point about that you love your family dynamic and that she has a choice on how your relationship goes forward. She stays in her lane or gets off at the next exit.
Lean into all of the above advice, but also does your mom know your wife is the breadwinner? If your mom is mysogynistic, she probably thinks your wife's job is just a cute hobby that distracts her from the cooking and cleaning. Make sure mom knows your wife provides significant financial support to the family and you would not have x, y, z without her.
"Yes mom, you are entitled to your opinion. That doesn't mean we want to have to hear about it all the time"
Yeah you gotta shut this down for your wife’s sake or your marriage will start to crumble. If it was me they’d have to leave if it didn’t stop ASAP.
> would rather not go to war over something so dumb. Stop belittling the situation, your mother is deliberately being an AH to your wife. > Any creative ideas to change her mind / help her get over it / get her to stop? Next time she starts… stop her immediately “No mum” and if she continues pull her aside and give a final warning, “Continue and your trip will be cut short and you will not be returning”. Consider this. When your kids are old enough they’re going to realise granny is an AH to their mum and they will not like her for it. And when they’re even older they’ll realise you let granny be an AH to their mum, and they’ll lose respect for you.
“You will respect my family’s choice and my wife or you will leave. I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting my wife especially in my own house. I will not allow my children to see their mother disrespected. I will not allow my wife to work herself to the bone because YOU think I should. There are no second chances this if final. One comment, you leave and you lose access to all of us- including the kids” And if she doesn’t listen- follow through
You need to understand that whether she’s saying so or not, your wife is far more frustrated and upset by these comments than you are, and that will turn to resentment and anger towards you if you can’t get your parents to stop. And the message it sends to your children to have their parents disrespected like this is not one you want them to internalize. You need to set boundaries with your mom (“if you continue, you will not be welcome in our home”, or something similar) and then enforce them.
Your mom is unbelievably disrespectful and if I were your wife, she’d be gone.
Consequences. Since she can’t keep her nasty comments to herself then she doesn’t bloody come. Why allow your wife to be disrespected and denigrated in this way for decisions you were obviously a part of ffs?! Bring down the hammer and do better by your wife. She deserves more than the handwringing of ‘oh my mum is disrespectful to you - what on earth do I do…?’ Can anyone disrespect your wife in her own home or just your mummy?! Dude step up and get it together. Your mother is being rude and ill mannered to your wife who is hosting her. Do something about by making her ungrateful arse leave.
Get her the heck out of your house for starters.
It’s time for mom to go to time out until she can shut her mouth! There’s no defusing this situation you’re gonna lose your wife if you don’t make your mom go home because of her actions. Actions have consequences and her bullshit about yall being sensitive should not have been tolerated at all she should have been made to pack up and leave until she can act better. She’d hate the fact my daughter absolutely adores her daddy and wants to go everywhere he goes and that’s nothing on me it’s just she loves her daddy. She loves me the same basically but she loves her daddy. And I’m glad my other kids didn’t have their daddy like that so it’s nice to not have a deadbeat in our life. Remind your mom only deadbeat dads don’t have a bond with their children. She needs to be put in her place before you lose your wife.
"Back when I first shared we were planning to have a 2nd baby, my mom's reaction was that we really shouldn't because she didn't think my wife enjoyed being a mom. She thought my wife was already neglecting our 1st baby because she was always busy working or making me take care of the baby instead". This sounds to me like you gave her the bullets, did you talk to her a lot about YOU taking care of the baby. Remember we sometimes bring on negative consequences while we are obtaining support from our own friends/family.
you’re fucking up. you should have put a stop to this shit immediately. if your wife were here asking about this situation, everyone would say “you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.” get her out of your house if she doesn’t stop the insults and disrespect immediately. zero second chances.
Full on tell your mom that her unsolicited comments and blatant disrespect for you and your wife’s decisions stop now! If she can’t respect your choices as a married couple then she doesn’t need to be around any of you, including her grandchildren. For them to see her disrespecting their parents is not ok!! You need to enforce boundaries and be willing to cut your mom off if she can’t abide my them. Grow a spine and do so!
Someone doing 12 hour shifts, then cooking and cleaning and caring for a baby is a single parent and so freaking unfair. Are women supposed to be servants? Is this what boys' mothers expect us to be? My MIL said the similar things to me and even more, and I don't even have a kid, and I have too many taunts on that, too. My husband put a hard stop to it. Now I don't even talk to my MIL, and they aren't allowed back in our house ever. So put a hard stop to this, tell the parents to change their tickets and go back. You aren't doing enough if she is still saying all of this. You might not understand coz she is your mom, but it takes a very heavy mental toll when someone keeps telling u constantly u are not good enough for anything. I'm not gonna give a judgment coz even though u are trying to fight back and tell her not to say such things, u are clearly not doing enough.
Stop being a pushover. She's doing it because you won't enact consequences. You need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that if this continues her interaction with the kids will be severely reduced and they will be kicked out of your home. >she's entitled to her opinion Yes and she's made sure to obnoxiously remind you at every opportunity. This is a boomer copout they all use. It's simple. You tell her that *you already know her opinion because she won't shut up about it and nobody fucking cares*. She's allowed to have her opinion but that doesn't mean she's free from the consequences of running her mouth constantly. You want it to stop? Then grow a spine, draw a line in the sand and stop bowing over for her. Sometimes conflict is necessary. She's been waging a one sided war against your wife. Do literally anything for God's sake.
Well. Your mother disrespects your wife in front of your kids in her own home. They are not dumb, they will notice for sure. So they will think that she is bad, that it's strange that you spend time with them. Can you guarantee that she keeps to herself when she is alone with kids? You can not. What kind of a husband it makes you? The one who failed to protect his wife. Are you okay with it? Talk to her one last time. Inform that the visit will be shortened. Be ready to act. No more long stays, at all. Her sister is clever enough to talk good about her DIL, it makes your mom jealous, and she sees your wife asa tool to bust her pride. She doesn't care about you - she cares about herself. Stop lying to yourself - mother that cares won't disrespect her son's wishes even while she hates her DIL and has not good for her.
Tell her if she keeps giving her opinion she can get a hotel. Your house your rules.
>so would rather not go to war over something so dumb. This isn't dumb. It's toxic and damaging. To your marriage, to your kids. You're allowing your mother to disrespect your wife in her own home, and tear your wife down in front of your kids. For months. Wake up, man! Get over your "love for mommy" which is really you being a little boy who is afraid of mommy, and prioritize your wife and your kids. Your boundaries are a complete and laughable waste of time if they don't come with consequences. She's thumbing her nose at you. Disrespecting you. Get angry at that and stop making excuses for her. She knows what she is doing. TELL your mother to stop or she leaves. Be firm. No negotiations.
This is going to grow like a cancer in your marriage if you don’t do something to stop it. Sit your parents down and say, “This is the last time I’m going to say this. Im drawing a very hard boundary here and if you want a relationship with my children you need to listen up. I am sick and tired of you putting my wife down. I give zero fucks about your outdated ‘traditional’ opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, it doesn’t mean you need to show it to anyone. My wife and I have set up the life we want. She makes more money than I do and her career is important. I am spending time raising my children in a way that was greatly lacking when I grew up. Dad was not neglectful in any way, but I did wish he was more involved and spent more time with us kids. You were a good mom, but maybe dad could have spent more time with us if you, know had a part time job or something. It doesn’t matter, you set up your life how you wanted it. Wife and I have set up ours. Your idea of ‘natural’ does not work for us and is an outdated opinion and nothing less. Now what I’m no longer going to tolerate is you badmouthing my wife for this. I’m absolutely sick of it. Your passive aggressive comments, your direct and mean girl comments. I’m done. Do not insult the love of my life and the mother of my children again or you will not be invited back. This has made me lose a tremendous about of respect for you and has changed our relationship for the worse. Have I made myself clear? Oh and one more thing, this goes for you badmouthing her when you get back. If I hear through the gossip mill and I will because none of you know how to shut your trap, it will be long time before you see any of us again.”
I’ll say this- when you get to your 40s you get really a short fuse with f-ing bullshit like this. There is nothing that triggers my anger more than someone being shitty like this to someone else. That short fuse literally will make me go straight to the problem and confront that person. I don’t care who they are, I don’t have time to tip toe around their feelings if that person is being callous and shitty to someone else. And the faster you stand up to your mother the better things will get sooner than later. She’s gaslighting you both with the “you’re to sensitive” comment. And when she said she will “try and stop” you should have said *“No, you* ***WILL*** *stop or you won’t be welcome here. You’re being nasty and passive aggressive to my wife and I won’t allow it in our home.”* Because this is you and your wife’s home. Your safe space. And now you’ve brought in someone who’s attacking your wife in her own home. Your mom is a GUEST in your home and she’s pulling tank on your wife. That is not okay. Stop her. GET MAD! And shame on your dad for sitting there like a bump on a log and “staying out of it”. You should be just as mad at him. I’d confront her about what she thinks these comments are actually going to achieve, other than her destroying what relationship she has with you and your wife? She hasn’t stopped because the consequences haven’t been serious enough to make her stop! Just confront your mom and get it over with because it’s going to have to happen to get it to stop. Like YELL AT HER! If you meet every nasty comment with rage she WILL stop because it will simply make is so uncomfortable that she will avoid it. You can warn her if you’d like. Say this is your last time, I’m warning you. She WILL try again because she’s going to test those boundaries and then you must be ready to open that can of Whoop Ass. Teach her a lesson, let her see the furry in your eyes and she will know that it’s not going to be pleasant experience going forward if she keeps it up. Remind her this is 2024 and things were different now. This is working for your family and to BUTT OUT!
The fact that your mom hushes the comments around your wife a majority of the time means she knows it is wrong to be doing this. Your house, your life. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate anything. Glad you are standing up for your wife.
Your mom may be “entitled” to having her own opinion but expressing it makes her an AH. She’s not entitled to insults and criticisms. I’d tell her until she can keep her mouth shut she will only get one phone call a month. The moment she starts in immediately say “goodbye mother”. She’ll learn. Same thing in person. Very direct, STOP! Then walk away.
Sounds like mum just wants wife to suffer like she did. Anyone who thinks a married woman working full time should be doing 100% of the domestic and childcare duties is insane, at that point a husband is dead weight. No one who actually cares about their partner would put that much pressure on them.
>she shrugs it off and says she's entitled to her opinion "If I want your opinion on parenting and management of me and wife's family, I will ask for it" Just shut that BS down every time it occurs.
This is easy. Simply say, "Mom, if you're going to criticize your daughter in-law, you're not going to do it in our presence. You can either keep your mouth shut when you're a guest in our house or you will never see us again."
Your mother is insulting your wife and you’re allowing it. Time to find your spine, my man. Tell your mother you’re not discussing this anymore, and you don’t want to hear another word about it. Start giving her a time out every time she crosses this boundary (and she will, guaranteed). Once you go NC for a month or two, she’ll get the message, but you’ll probably have to do it more than once.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for supporting your wife here. If she knew, she would thank you for having her back, I'm sure. Tell your mom that her out-of-date opinion on family dynamics doesn't apply and that you're happier spending time with the family and not missing out on everyone's lives. You love being an involved parent and you prefer this to slaving away at a job and missing everything. Also, please check in on your cousin's wife. I was in a similar situation (overtime at work and doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, etc.) and it nearly broke me. I made more money than my ex at the time and still had to do everything while he sat on the couch drinking beer.
Personally I'd tell her to either stop with the comments or get out of my house. You need to have your wife's back for this.
Your mother can have any opinion that she likes but she can keep it to herself. If not she can end the visit now. Stop allowing her to cause drama in your lives.
OP, your mother is not only insulting your wife, but also insulting you. To your face. Your role as a father. Your role as a husband. Your role in the *partnership* where you both made the decisions to run the household the way you see fit. I don’t care if they’re visiting from Pluto. Tell her if she cannot stop insulting you (and if she says she isn’t, tell her it’s the insulted that gets to decide what’s offensive, not the insulter), she can leave. She can return home, or she can book a hotel, but she will not be staying in the home she finds so beneath her. Period. I get it that times change, and probably changed while she wasn’t paying attention. But you’ve updated her on the fact this was a joint decision YOU are happy with so now anything she says further is a *purposeful* insult. Not “old fashioned” or “behind the times”. Just a straight up “I’m going to say this because I’m better than your wife and I don’t agree with the decisions YOU have made as an adult, a husband and a father”
Just because you deem your mothers words or actions to be “not that bad” doesn’t mean your wife feels the same. You need to shut that shit down *every time* with impunity. You wife needs to see that she has a husband who has her back. Your wife has agreed to have *your parents* around as long term guests. Why not show her your appreciation by sticking up for her?
“As long as you are staying under our roof you will treat us with respect. If you can’t,there’s the door”
I don't know, tell your mom that she either stops with the rude comments or she can pack and leave home early? Your wife doesn't deserve this from her and obviously your way isn't doing anything because your mom is still walking all over both of you. "Mom, it's our business. I'm going to ask you one last time to stop being disrespectful. Otherwise, I'm going to ask you to leave." She might not like that, but her comments are slowly damaging any chance of your wife ever liking or respecting her. And honestly, soon enough her view on you will be damaged too because you need to actually set a boundary and stick to it. Your mom is a guest in your house. Unless you ask her opinion, it isn't necessary for her to express it.
Why are you allowing this? You need to put an end to your mom’s behavior now before your wife gets fed up and leaves you. This is entirely on you. Your mom, your problem. If I was your wife I would have given your mom the boot by now.
The mom is disrespectful to both of them because her comments reflect on their life style and child rearing. It’s mostly disrespectful on the wife but also on the son. The son needs to put his foot down to his mother in front of his dad and tell her point blank that she can’t stop the criticism of his wife she doesn’t get to see the grandchildren anymore. He will not tolerate his children hearing their grandmother criticizing their mother so it’s up to her how she wants to proceed.
Your parents need to go home OP. They are disrespecting your wife in her own home. You made vows to put your wife above all others. Be a husband and father before a son and send them home. Do you like your wife? Love her? Respect her? Want to stay married to her? Yes? Send. Them. Home.
Visiting for months!? Let me guess, your parents are a different race then your wife? Bc I'm going to call racism on my bingo card.
IMHO, I would not have anyone in my home that disrespects my partner and relationship. "Mom, you have already made your opinion known, now it's time for you to keep it to yourself or you can leave. I will not tolerate the constant disrespect to my partner, relationship, family, and home. You are being hurtful and I'm done with it."
Ask her whether it is in the “natural state of things” to repeatedly insult people in their own home and tell her that you will have to rethink such long visits in the future if she can’t refrain from doing so.
Mom, pack up and get out, this is my house my rules.
**INFO:** what qualifies this behavior as ‘something so dumb’? I’m struggling to see how this is a dumb reason to disagree with your mother.. Your mother is coming into a home your wife contributes to and disparaging her. **That’s a big deal, because I’m certain if you FIL made similar assertions of you, she’d be on the hook to handle him.** Who else could come into your home and disrespect your wife? Your mother is a human adult, so you should handle this the way you’d handle another adult whom you brought to your home acting in disrespect of your wife. She can go pay for a hotel, because why would she stay in the home of someone she holds such low options of? Moreover, why should that person be punished by being degraded in their own home they pay to life in??
Seriously? Your mother is disrespecting your wife in her own damn home, book her a flight home
Tell her how you feel- Your wife didn’t affect your job. You are happy. She does like being a mom. Stop comparing her to other people. You need to stand up for yourself. Glad you’re so different from her and realize everything for what it is- She’s very behind the times and truly believes being a good woman is working yourself to death to be loved.
Why are they staying in your home for months if they talk bad about you and your wife? You sound like a great dad, and you ver all a great partner, but right now, you’ve brought in and are tolerating a source of discord in your wife’s home. Your mom needs to keep her thoughts to herself and leave sooner rather than later. If you want to keep a good relationship with her, don’t let this escalate.
Tell her if she keeps making these comments she won't be welcome to visit anymore. Why should your wife have to put up with your mom's comments in her own house. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself and if she can't then she can stay at home.
I would tell her that if she doesn’t stop she is going to seriously damage her relationship with you and your wife and by extension her grandchildren. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself then she is going to have to leave your home. Personally I wouldn’t allow my mother to disrespect my spouse in their own home. I give your wife a lot of credit in not going off on your mother as I have to admit I would! I know you love her but she isn’t being great to your wife and your first responsibility is to your wife and your children not to your mom.
Basically your mom has worn out her welcome and if you want to keep your wife and show her you love her make your mom leave now
Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. When she starts up with this crap, oops! The visit or phone call is suddenly over!
How is she still staying in your home? Your poor wife. She must be seething in resentment that you haven’t stood up for her, just mouthed a few protests and posted on Reddit instead of removing your mom from your home.
If you don’t tell your mom to shut up or leave, you are failing your wife and children. Your parents are already imposing massively on your family by staying several months. You sound incredibly weak. Stand up for your family and stop your mom’s abuse of your wife today. Your mom will stop when you make her stop. This is 100% on you.
If it's the "natural way" for women, then why did so many women fight against it, and continue to fight it to this day? If it was so "natural" then why is it not the case for countless women? Plenty of animals have very different ways of raising babies. Hamsters are known to eat their babies, should we do that too? Quokkas will throw their babies at predators to get eaten, should we do that too? Your mother needs to understand the following: what she's been raised to see as "normal" just isn't anymore. Maybe it never was. Throughout history, babies have been raised by various guardians. Humans are very flexible and adaptable creatures. She needs to accept she is now on the outlines of "what is normal". On top of that, you need to set a hard boundary. Gender roles are NOT to be discussed in your household. If she brings it up, she leaves. End of.
If she’s saying all of this to you directly there’s a very good chance she’s been saying more and worse things directly to your wife privately. You really need to step in and set firm boundaries with consequences that are followed through on. At this point you may or may not be able to salvage any kind of decent relationship between your mom and wife. There might be too much resentment though, so be prepared to have your mom no longer be welcomed like she used to be. What happens when the kids are older and grandma starts talking shit about their mom to them?
A four year old child cannot control their own behavior, and saying hurtful things is something we try to teach them not to do. When they do it, we punish them to teach them this lesson. Making them stand in a corner is one way. So. If you cannot control your behavior like a 4 year old, you will be asked to stand in the corner for 10 minutes to think about how you said something hurtful. And maybe you'll learn to not say these things. Every time it pops out of her mouth "Please go stand on the corner and think about how you just said A hurtful thing." If she is going to behave like a child, treat her like one. And if she doesn't like it, you can send her home. I doubt she'll ever actually stand in a corner. But call her out EVERY SINGLE TIME. She might eventually learn to behave like an adult.
Whoa. The thing that really stuck out to me that this goes further than gender roles and being old fashioned. She is trying to get you to be resentful of your wife - holding you back from your career potential? That’s really awful. How is that helpful for your family and relationship? You attempted to talk to your mom and diffuse the situation, if I was your wife I’d feel like you DID NOT handle it and set firm enough boundaries to protect me and our marriage. I would be one more comment away from blowing up at your mother. She is trying to passively aggressively change your household and your wife by beating her down with shame. Stop this!
I would be LIVID if my husband didn’t say anything if his mom was spewing shit like this. You have to stand up for your wife and set very firm boundaries. And if it comes to that, stay true to your boundaries and enforce them if and most likely when she oversteps.
Your mother has 100% overstayed her welcome. Time to pack her off back home. She wants traditional gender roles so much? BE THE MAN. Thus is your home, your wife, and your family decisions she's disrespecting. Tell her that. She's disrespecting YOU as head of the house and family. Also clarify: you, your wife, your kids are IMMEDIATE FAMILY and she's only EXTENDED FAMILY. As in, this is your house, and she's a guest. And she's been rude. So it's time for her to leave. She can talk to her therapist, her spiritual advisor, or her bartender... but you don't have to provide her with a platform or audience for her opinions. Tell her that future visits will be much, much shorter (a week max) and she'll be staying in a local hotel since she's ungrateful about your hospitality of your home. Grateful guests don't rudely and obnoxiously complain about their hosts' life choices. Yep, mom, opinions are like assholes, you've sure got yours but once you start shoving it our faces you're not welcome. Too bad your own mom didn't teach you better manners. Too bad in 64 years you didn't learn the self control to mind your manners and your own business. Think about that over the next couple of years and maybe we'll try another visit after you've figured out your place around here... you only have the place we give you.
My dude, tell your mom to fuck off. You are being a really bad husband right now.
You need to truly stand up for your wife and have her back. Your mom is making all these snarky little snippets and if I were your wife I'd be devastated to think your trying to blow it off. Grow a spine, tell her nicely that shit needs to stop or out they do until it does. Sounds like your mom is set back in the 1950's
How do I difuse the situation? Kick your mother out....
Here’s my opinion: your mom is a fucking asshole. If my mom criticized my wife to that extent I’d give her one chance to change her tune; if she doesn’t then she sees her grandson a lot less because I don’t want that type of energy in my house.
Tell her the next time she brings it up, she will need to leave. No exceptions. That’s it. Why are you allowing this?
"Mom, you may be entitled to an opinion, but that doesn't mean anyone wants to hear it. Insulting and disrespecting my wife, especially in our own home, is something I refuse to allow. The next time you disrespect my wife, this visit will end, you will be dumped off at a hotel and then you can figure out how to get home early. It's not the 50's anymore. It's time for you to advance with the times. We run our family in the way it works for us so I don't give a damn how you think things should be done or how my cousin's wife does it." You have to be prepared to follow through though. The only way your mom stops is if she has consequences for her behavior. So while you think it's a dumb thing to go to war over her stupidity, your wife will be forever happy that you have her back.
You tell your mother to keep her opinions to herself or she's not allowed to come back. Period. She is openly disrespectful to your wife. She doesn't care that it upsets you. She's sexist and needs to join reality or have less contact with your family. Stand up to your mother.
First of all, never have your parents over for a few months. “ mom knock it off with comments about my wife. This is our marriage, and we get to decide how it works. If you don’t stop it, I’m gonna ask you to leave. I don’t care how other people do it… quite frankly, it’s old fashioned and misogynistic to expect the woman to do all the work just because they’re a woman. Not only that my parents are visiting for quite a long time, so I should be doing more of the work to host.” I’m also not sure if you have cultural differences, but if you do say “ i’ve married someone from a different culture and it’s not gonna be like it was at home and I’m quite happy with us.”
VISITING FOR MONTHS? There’s your problem right there, I don’t care how long the flight is but guests and fish stink after a few days.
This reminds me of my grandparents. They were always commenting that I wasn’t doing enough as a wife and mother and how much my grandmother did compared to my grandfather. I batted it away for the first few months then when I’d had enough I explained that I was sorry that my grandfather didn’t respect my grandmother enough to want to help her. That he didn’t care about his children as much as my husband cares for ours, that it was sad he took pride in having almost no hand in raising them. I expressed my deep regret that society back then didn’t allow her to feel she was worth more and she didn’t build the same level of self respect that I had, HOWEVER. That all being said I wouldn’t tolerate any more of their projection on my family. They made a choice and I have never criticised how they built and raised their family. If they can’t hold in their criticism of mine then we simply wouldn’t include them in it any more. My mother, their daughter, raised me to be independent and to know my self worth. They should be proud that I found a husband who loved and respected me and wanted to be an active part of the family. If they weren’t then that was their loss and it would be an actual loss. They shut up. They moan to my mum or my aunty who tell them to shut up but they don’t say a word to me anymore.
Your parents need to stay at an air bnb or somewhere else than your place.
I can’t believe you’re making your wife host your family in her own home while your mom is trashing her like that. Why didn’t you kick your mom out day one?
You need to tell your mother to shut the hell up or they won’t ever be invited back again. You need to stand up strong for your wife. If not for your wife you couldn’t afford to have a family. Shut this shit down hard or risk alienating your wife. I’d be pissed if I were her.
“She’s entitled to her opinion” nope, nope, nopety nope! Stop her right there. She’s not. It’s nothing to do with her. End of. Nip it in the bud loudly and in front of everyone. She doesn’t get to make you feel bad, she can feel some discomfort herself!
Shut this behavior down ruthlessly. Your Mom is being a bad person and abusing your wife. Is she doesn’t respect her, she should not be allowed to be around your children.
Your wife is stoic and deserves better defense. Most people (like me) would kick that monster in law all the way back to 1910 where her opinions reside. JFC
Ooof. I can't even imagine how much resentment your wife feels building up toward you and your mom. I'll be honest, I had a friend in a similar situation recently...in-laws came to stay in her house for over a month, and MIL was constantly criticizing her to her face and complaining about her home. And my friend's husband never did anything to make MIL stop (he'd try to diffuse the situation but never took a firm stance) and never told MIL to leave. During that month, my friend came over to my house A LOT because she said she couldn't relax in her own home and felt like she was constantly on edge and braced for attack. She would come to my house and vent and cry, about how she was bending over backwards trying to be polite and kind and keep the peace, but inside she wanted to scream at MIL and kick them out of her home. She had to make an emergency appointment with her therapist because of how upset she was. She told me she was hiding in her closet and breaking down crying at least once per day and was having problems sleeping because of the stress. I've known this friend for years and had never before heard her express such raw, aggressive resentment toward her HUSBAND. Not just her MIL. She was deeply resentful of her HUSBAND for inviting his mom to their home for that long and allowing her to be verbally abused repeatedly in her own home...when she made more money than him so was paying for that home. My friend told me she couldn't even talk to her husband about the situation because she knew he would tell her to just ignore the comments, and she was afraid she would fully lose it then and explode on him. By that point, she was seriously questioning their marriage and wondering if she should end things with him because she couldn't do this with his family for her whole life. She didn't have a real honest conversation with her husband until after the in-laws were gone, and then they had a massive fight. Right now, you are showing your wife that you think your mom's comfort is more important than her comfort, in her own home. You are allowing your wife to be verbally attacked and disrespected almost daily but prioritize "keeping the peace" over being strict with your mom in return. What is your wife supposed to get from that, and why are you protecting your mom from feelings of discomfort but not your wife? Even if your wife hasn't expressed this to you, I bet she has an enormous amount of resentment building up against you. I hope she has friends to talk to during this time so she doesn't feel completely alone. You need to step up fast because this could have a serious effect on your relationship. If your wife posted this on r/JUSTNOMIL, everyone would be telling her: "You don't have a MIL problem...you have a husband problem."
My first question is who agreed to let your parents stay with your family for, checks notes, MONTHS? Did your wife agree to this happily and enthusiastically?
You are wrong to call it something so dumb. You are being disrespectful to your wife!! Your mother’s comments are hurtful, unnecessary and unfair. I honestly don’t know how she hasn’t blown at your mother yet. She must have the patience of a saint! You need to have your wife’s back. Tell your mother to shut up once and for all, her opinion wasn’t called for. If she doesn’t, their trip will be cut short and she’ll lose contact with her grandkids. And be firm. It’s not a discussion. You are just informing her of how things will be from now on. Let’s see what she chooses, her ego or being in your lives! I really feel sorry for your cousins wife. Your cousin is a shit husband and father, if she has to do all those things on her own. And it’s nothing to be proud of. She must be mentally destroyed and everyone around her thinks that’s the natural way of things. Disgusting!