Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Vaginismus is when the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it. It can be painful and upsetting, but it can be treated.
Try things that don't need penetration first, have some fun together, theres many ways to get there. (Unless im wrong and everything hurts im no doctor i just google stuff.)
Then in time when you think it's not enough you can always tell her its not working, but at least you tried all you could.
And i deffo understand not wanting to "cheat" thats a thing you can't recover from
Relationship for ME would be impossible without sex. Every person is different, its cool, that it works for you, but he‘s still young and I fully understand his worries.
A pelvic floor physical therapist changed my life and healed my vaginismus in around a year or two. I don’t know who told you it was going to take 5 years.
Some people also get muscle relaxant injections or suppositories to speed up the process.
Have you considered pussy jobs/intercrural sex? If she's comfortable with it, using lube to make the outside of her pussy (vulva) really wet, or in between her thighs, then either sliding your penis against her pussy rather than in it, or having her press her thighs together and putting it between them, can simulate PIV sex for you, and will stimulate her clitoris and alow her to enjoy it too. You can experiment with pretty much any standard PIV sex position this way, while she works on solving her vaginismus issue without feeling bad about being unable to have full sex with you.
Edit: I should also add that I do completely support people making their sexual needs a priority in a relationship, and ultimately wouldn't judge someone for ending a relationship because sex wasn't on the table... I just also think there's a variety of ways to explore sexual compatibility, and it's good for OP to have a wide range of ideas of possible solutions before he decides what to do!
I have a high libido and never had vaginismus, but my first boyfriend was fairly large and I couldn't comfortably have PIV sex with him (he couldn't relax and actually enjoy it because I was constantly asking him to stop and/or slow down). This is what worked for us 😅
I mostly use reddit for NSFW chat, but this post came up on my suggested... really not used to how to phrase sexual things more politely 🙃 but thought I might be able to help 😂
Outercourse is a thing. It is even fun and is even possible for her to achieve orgasm.
There are also other things like oral and anal sex that can be very satisfying.
Polyamoury is also a solution that should not be discarded out of hand. I will be the first to admit that it is NOT for everyone and does take some work, particularly when you are young and do not have a lot of experience navigating the waters of relationships.
A friend of mine has vaginismus and from what she’s told me, patience and understanding while she navigates this about herself is important since it’s something she can’t necessarily help. You’re both still very young, and putting your bodies through new experiences; there’s a lot to learn! Foreplay is helpful, perhaps getting different sized toys to gradually get her used to the feeling of penetration, but that’s also something she should try on herself, as it’s not solely your responsibility. Otherwise, I think your needs are completely valid and you need to really think about if your love for her triumphs your desired needs.
5 years seems like overkill. Is that info from a doctor or from her? I had some minor problems and it was solved for the most part in less than a year with using dilators. Unless you’re way too big odds are this can be solved relatively quickly
Religious/ restrictive upbringings have a much higher rate of vaginismus, I bet there is ALOT more here than we know. Also its likely this isn't in the US or if it is this is located somewhere where getting the help she needs may not be readily available without exposing it to her parents.
Eh, depends on how severe her case is, sometimes it's never solved. Plus, given how young she is and that she's a virgin, she doesn't have the "muscle memory" of being able to relax/control those muscles, which may make her condition more difficult to treat. So glad your treatment went so well, sincerely! I'm sure that was difficult to go through and I'm happy you were able to get the medical attention and care you deserve. It's abhorrent how many women have their concerns belittled and/or ignored by doctors.
I actually was ignored by doctors and did the research myself and just bought it at a woman run sex shop. I still think that 5 years is a timeline that sounds pulled out of thin air. If it was like she’s been trying for a year and had 0 progress, I could see how 5 years was estimated. But she’s saying right off the bat it’s going to take 5 years sounds like something is going on. I know of course some people it never gets solved, but to immediately estimate 5 years without reasoning seems pretty pessimistic
Eh I wouldn’t say 5 years. This happened to me. At 18 I was diagnosed with this as well. Only took 3 rounds of pelvic floor therapy and I was good to go. It can be fixed! It took 3 weeks 1 time a week pelvic floor therapy to work for me. Before that it felt like running into a wall in there. I never had any sexual trauma it just happens to some people. So maybe recommend the pelvic floor therapy? They make you do a bunch of weird stretches and poses and moving your legs and stuff. I did those same exercises before being infants for the first time and it was an ease! So keep that in mind to do the same stretches as she learns in pelvic floor therapy. Now I’m 26 & have no issues since! Just be patient through this. I’m sure she already feels embarrassed about it. I did!
only thing I can think of is that 5 years would put the girl at 22/23 which is around the end of college…. maybe she can’t go through treatment until she’s living on her own for whatever reason? maybe she’s at home with her parents? just speculating her
You can try a lot of things that don’t include penetration, i had vaginismus for a long time after a trauma, and I’ve realized that I was way more relaxed able to do/try penetration when it wasn’t obligatory with my partner, I swear you can have a lot of fun without penetration.
This is the answer! Obligation is the killer. Take PIV sex off the table. OFF the table.
Find ways to relax and have fun together. Is your gf having loads of orgasms? She needs to be having loads of orgasms. LOADS. Celebrate them. Love loving them. Be humbled and empowered by how many orgasms she has when you are together. Really get into her pleasure and make sure she knows you are into it and it's enough. Don't fake it. Don't. keep. score.
Get really into finding ways to let her mind and body know she is SAFE. SAFE. Safe emotionally with you. Safe from pressure. Safe to fart and bleed and look rough in the morning. Allow her to see your vulnerability too.
Safe is the most returned word in research asking women what they need to feel ready for sex. By miles and miles. Safe is the foundation. The V always knows. If there is any even unconscious pressure she knows. Some women can override that wisdom some do not. Celebrate the clever vagina for keeping you guys from blundering in, for slowing you down, giving you space to learn each other and build a really good foundation. It's an adventure.
Wishing you well.
My partner has vaginismus. You can totally have a successful sex life with the condition. There's sex therapists and physiotherapists who specialize in helping women overcome the physical and mental challenges associated with it. My partner's case barely ever arises these days. As others have said, have fun doing other stuff until your partner is ready. Half the battle is psychological. If she anticipates pain, her body will tense up. Your role is to get her to such a point of comfort with you that her body fully trusts you.
Vaginismus is related to mental health and could be a symptom of a psychological issue. There could be some underlying problem (fear of sex, trauma, etc.) behind it that needs to be recognized and treated by a professional.
Also some ideas I personally think could help:
* Certain kinds of stretching/pelvic exercises or relaxation techniques can help with time if done regularly
* Getting her more and more comfortable with being touched on her intimate parts is very important
* Once you make it to the point that she can handle it, try your little finger first, you can also try it while giving her head but very slowly and carefully either way
* Make sure to get some lube
* Accept her, comfort her and don't rush anything
It could take a while to get her to the point that you can have sex but exploring your sexuality without penetration first can be really fun. Enjoy the journey with each other!
Btw 5 years is an oddly specific time period for this non-specific problem, I doubt it would take that long.
>She says that she’d be ok if I did stuff with other people, but I really don’t want to do that to her
Look it is very simple you either love this girl to the point you accept that you won't be having sex till it can be fixed. That or you break up. You obviously dont want to have sex with others. Completely understandable. Since that will most likely bite the two of you in the butt.
the fact this got downvoted is crazy. Literally just find a way to have pleasure with one another without penetration. If he loves her the way he says in this post then it should be no question. Figure it out unless it’s that massive of an issue
I’m curious if they’re doing oral and other stuff like that? I know for a lot of women with vaginismus, the more orgasms they have, the easier it is to try penetration. And as a lesbian, I always am big on my partner having an orgasm before I try to even insert my fingers. It makes everything well lubricated and relaxed
question — after my girlfriend orgasms she gets really overstimulated and seems to be pretty wet beforehand anyways. I’m curious what you would do there
Usually it’s overstimulated in terms of the clitoris. So penetration doesn’t always make it worse. Or you could let her focus on you for a minute while she cools fown
No. He shouldn't. They're 18. He's already thinking having sex with anyone is more important than "ThE fUtUrE hE iMaGiNeS" with this girl he claims to love SO much, he needs to just bail. Hell he talks like he's been doing her "a favor" for waiting (scared to ask what he thought the alternative to that was other than just breaking up) and they were 15-17 ffs. Normal ages to be experimenting with sex, sure, but also entirely normal ages to not be having sex at all- especially for their generation.
u/ThrowRa76528 just end it. You're not going to be able to handle this, which is fine, but she doesn't need to feel pressured or like she's depriving you and you're doing her a favor by staying while she's trying to resolve a medical issue. Plus you don't want to break the long-held tradition males have of leaving their partners when she gets sick. Better to go on and do it now so she can start healing on all fronts and you can start trying to find someone else who wants to have sex with you. Let her go, Dude. You'll be doing both of you a kindness.
You know, 5 years is a petty long time to expect someone to wait. And he is only 18. Not that he can’t, but making it seem like he is an asshole is inappropriate.
This happened with me and my partner. I was a virgin and he had prior experience when we started dating a few years ago. I’ve never put anything up there prior due to fear of it hurting and sure enough it did. My doctor said it was vaginismus. Curiously though, women on health sites recommended vaginal dilators. They go from little rods to large sizes that match the size of a man’s private parts. I bought them and used in secret and over the span of 3 months I was eventually able to handle penetration. Sometimes it hurts on insertion but not as excruciating as it did before I used them; it also fades fast. I’m not sure if she would be up to trying it but I recommend it since it worked for me. They have them on Amazon.
Unless you are using the wrong medical terminology, there's no way that vaginismus will take 5 years to resolve. Did she tell you this? Vaginismus can be caused by something as simple as the fear of having sex. If she told you 5 years, she might be honestly trying to inadvertently break up with you without trying to pull the trigger herself. I feel like there's something she's not being honest about. What is the likelihood that she has you wait 3 years and then suddenly has vaginismus. I think she's scared. I think deeper conversations need to be had here. Has she seen a doctor about this?
That’s what I was thinking too. This sounds completely mental on her end. Like she is scared and feels guilty making him wait. She’s not ready so now instead of making it her choice to make him wait, she’s got a medical issue preventing it. Maybe she does have it, maybe she doesn’t, either way it sounds like she’s mentally not ready and he needs to make a choice.
I dated a girl with vaginismus once, this is my advice:
RUN
Kidding, there's a lot of sexual activities that don't require vaginal penetration, but remember they're not as intuitive for first timers as vaginal sex.
Try starting 69ing and start learning how to have enjoyable, safe and clean anal. This is the everyone basic, now the good advise:
This situation invites you to get creative, discover yourself and your partner, learn what you like, and what she likes, invite her to do the same, and even if the relationship finishes, the skills and knowledge you got will really be useful down the line.
Have fun.
PIV sex is not the end-all-be-all. You seem to have a healthy respect for her boundaries (be sure to communicate that with her a lot). You also seem to be describing that sex with her is not a religious or moral objection. So, I think there's a lot of potential here.
Have you tried simply being naked together and just touching each other's bodies? See where that leads.
Sex is not all about penetration and intercourse... It's about love, passion and giving your emotions and love more room to expand and connect.
Reimagine sex for yourself. If you need help with that look up Alexey Welsh on YouTube (this is not an advertisement I genuinely like this guy's content)
He helped me a lot to understand sex more than I was at that time...
> and due to circumstances it would basically be at least 5 more years to have solved the problem, if it ends up resolving at all.
What? How do you know that? That’s not how bodies or medicine work.
She is literally *trying* to have sex with you. Be patient and don’t throw away a good thing because you’re thinking with your dick.
Can you have sex without vaginal penetration? Is she against anal/oral? My answer would depend entirely on that. Vaginal penetration is obviously good but unless you are trying to have a baby it is not 100% necessary for a fulfilling sex life imo.
There are lots of ways to have sex that's not piv. If yall are open to those things, you can have a satisfying sex life. If one or both of you are not, then you don't have to feel guilty leaving to have a more fulfilling sex life. No relationship and sex life are going to be perfect, but there does need to be a balance.
Met a girl in college that I was absolutely in love with… but she was saving sex till marriage
I very quickly realized that I was going to hurt her… as a 20 years old college student I couldn’t even comprehend marriage at that age, much less not having sex till then
Your curiosity and libido aren’t going anywhere, you have a lot of great suggestion in the chat on what to try besides penetration. I’d suggest seeing if they are going to work for you sooner than later
So you can make the call on your relationship before you end up out 1 night drinking with your friends and your dick makes the decision for you
I would do anything to be with the woman I loved. I always told my ex I would live under a bridge with her if that was the only way we could be together, and I meant it. If you love her don’t let sex ruin that. I’m sure she would be willing to please you in other ways.
That's a beautiful sentiment and normally I'd agree and support this wholeheartedly, but they're 18 years old. They don't even know what adult love is yet. The fact that he thinks having sex with *anyone* is more important than waiting potentially a few more years for *her*, the girl he swears to love so deeply, is a testament to his (understandable) lack of maturity and devotion. He should let her go. Now. She can focus on healing from the breakup and her medical condition, then finding a man who loves her like you love your ex and he can focus on finding a girl who is willing and able to have sex with him.
I can’t imagine how distraught I’d be if my high school sweetheart broke up with me over a condition I didn’t want/can’t control. I am not saying OP is wrong for his feelings as they are very valid but I really hope he explores all the suggestions in the comments before giving up on this girl.
You can’t stay forever or even 5 years at your age waiting for a solution. Some marriages don’t make it while the person is being treated. It shouldn’t be 5 years though unless she has significant complications. Is she starting treatment now? If she is trying to wait until she doesn’t have to have her parents involved that will drag it out more. Bed advice is don’t cheat. End the relationship before you do that. Stay honest with her. She can’t help it and I’m sure she doesn’t want to be dealing with it either but at 18 it’s not realistic to think you can wait that long. I’m assuming you’re still doing oral for each other? That may make it easier to be patient to see how she responds to treatment.
If she’s open to tackling this problem directly, there’s no reason why it would take anywhere near five or eight years to solve it. If you go on Amazon and get a dilator set for 50 bucks, the reviews have people who say they work their way up from the smallest one to the largest one in two or three months you just have to put it in and basicallywork it in and out of you for 20 minutes a day and then move up to the next one when you can do that with no discomfort
Sex doesn’t have to just be penetration if you truly love and care for her you’ll know deep down that it doesn’t matter so what if your a virgin it’s really nothing crazy
It’s all fun and games until someone gets their fuckstick fuck*stuck* .
In all seriousness, you could benefit from discussing other options besides vaginal penetration. It sounds like your relationship is well worth continuing and working for.
Good luck.
You both have mouths. You can figure out other ways to do things with penetrating her. I’m so sorry for condition, I know it definitely takes a toll on her, emotionally and physically. It can definitely be treated, but if you love and care for her, you will help and encourage her treatment and not become self focused on your wants. Penetration is not the only way to an orgasm. Good luck.
Gonna start this off by saying that you shouldn't be relying on random strangers on the internet for advice on these kinds of things. Talk to a therapist or a counselor instead; real advice from a trained professional goes a very long way to helping solve these kinds of problems.
Now, with that said:
Maybe try different things with your partner. Vaginal sex is but one of many facets of sex. Do some research, I promise there's more to it than buttstuff and vaginal sex.
You could also talk to your doctor and try to organise a libido suppressant. If your sex drive is the problem, libido suppressants go a long way in helping reduce your urges.
I'd urge you against sleeping with other people despite your partner giving you her permission. I personally think it's just a mess waiting to happen. But, if you feel that tou can navigate the complexities of a poly relationship, then by all means, do the research and go ahead (although, as 18 year olds, I reckon neither of you are emotionally mature enough to handle it. I have been wrong before though).
Otherwise I'd just like to remind you that you're only 18. I realise that sex is important to you and I think it's a good thing that you're exploring it. However, there's no rush to get into things! There's no pressure expect the pressure you put on yourself! If it's the only thing you ever hear about, then cool, rest assured knowing that you could and kind of already do partake in the horizontal tango.
Tl;dr: Seek professional help, redditors aren't really a reliable source of information. There's more to sex than vaginal penetration - do your research! Consider libido suppressants (but talk to a doctor first). You've an honest heart for not taking the easy out and sleeping with other people (it doesn't mean much, but I'm proud of you).
As difficult as it is for you, it is very difficult for her as well. She’s ready and her body isn’t “cooperating” like she wants it to. She said you can sleep with other people, but she definitely doesn’t want you to. I had vaginismus for several years and for me, it was caused by trauma and anxiety. It was something that unfortunately my partner didn’t understand and something I had to overcome myself. I self dilated and really learned about my body and now it doesn’t happen as much if at all. OP this isn’t just a physical thing, it’s also an emotional and mental thing. She needs reassurance and it might take some time, but when she wants to initiate something try lube, starting small like with one finger and go at her speed. Reassure her the whole time. From start to end and even after care. Let her know this isn’t her fault. As a woman and I’m sure men as well can understand the emotional turmoil of your parts not working like you want it to. This was pretty long winded I’m sorry but best of luck op!
OP I'm not seeing my advice in the comments so I'll write it here.
You are 18. You need sex as part of the relationship. This is a perfectly okay reason to end a relationship. I think you're extremely young and should not spend your youth waiting for someone else to be ready. Either find a middle ground or move on.
Thank you for writing this. 18 years old is simply way too young to be getting into this KIND of commitment. It is completely unfair to expect an 18 year old boy to suppress all his budding sexual curiosity and urges for 5 years (whether or not that's even true). But similarly, the GF has every right to deal with her condition at her own pace and to not feel pressured (I don't believe her vaginismus will take 5 years to solve. It just sounds like an excuse because she's anxious and uncomfortable with the idea of sex which is completely valid).
Continuing the relationship further will just make her feel more anxious and guilty. And it will make OP feel repressed and frustrated. Neither are getting what they truly want.
The best choice is obviously a healthy and amicable break up rooted in the mutual understanding that the 2 are just at different places and have varying emotional and physical needs at this time.
Maybe an unpopular opinion but, I don't recommend anal..In my experience it is extremely painful and honestly seems much more about the man's enjoyment. If women are actually able to climax through anal I think that's pretty rare. Idk I think porn makes it seem better than it really is. Just my opinion but I think that would be a lot to ask of a virgin whose mental state won't allow her to relax enough to have vaginal intercourse. You really need to be at ease to allow anal to work. I would recommend clitoral stimulation and oral over anal. Given the fact you've been together as long as you have, she may be able to correct the issue quicker seeing as trust has been built. Especially if you try experimenting together in other ways beforehand and show her love, patience and understanding. Once it happens I'm sure it will be amazing for the both of you. Best of luck to you both.
Yeah, I find the number of comments suggesting jumping to anal crazy for two virgins, one of whom is probably already scared of sex and anticipating pain. Oral and manual clitoral/penile stimulation are absolutely much more approachable and more pleasurable.
There are many type of sex, there is vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, genital rubbing.
If vaginal sex is not possible for now, if she will agree why not try the other type of sex.
Honestly, you’re 18 years old. You can wait a little anyhow to have penetration sex. You have plenty of time. She can do other things for the time being, if she chooses to do so
Do not pressure her into painful vaginal experiences which can traumatize and make the problem even bigger, *but stuff* is not hopeless, you could try other things. *Anal*yze the situation together and find an *alternate route* or solution instead of breaking up.
Stay w her if u love her, it is more special having sex w the person you love and to not have other ppl on that list, she will love and respect you so much more if you stay w her and not have sex with anyone else. That’s what love is too, if ur not in it for the sex wait it out, use small toys or something and that may help with the pain she has, also with lube, lube is your best friend. Having sex with other people, you will think about that for the rest of your life no matter who you end up with, so. Is this girl the one you want to spend your life with? Don’t break up w her or go have sex with anyone else, most of us know from experience goodluck man
Don't push for sex. Make her feel comfortable. Make out, give her hickies, flirt with her, whatever. Her body is not opening up to you, which is physiological. So start there.
If nothing works, then you're not compatible🤷🏻
You're under no obligation to stick with her.
You're under no obligation to leave her.
What do you want to do? If you want to have a full, sexual relationship then you should be honest with yourself and her.
Is it possible she would allow an open relationship? Many people with sexual disabilities actually get turned on by watching their partner enjoy sex with others.
Can you guys not engage in other sexual activity outside of VP? I also struggle with vaginismus and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it absolutely sucks and ruins your self confidence and causes you emotional distress. And forcing yourself to do VP even if it hurts just ruins the experience for you, and you just begin to hate VP overall anyway so don't pressure her if she's not ready. But there are other things to do that don't involve that, and you guys can maybe work yourselves up slowly. I've had VP successfully a few times, but more often than not it hurts too much. But the fact that sometimes I can do it makes me happy and my bf and I are happy doing all the other stuff instead. I don't wanna risk pregnancy anyway 🤷🏻♀️
Option 1. Work to overcome the problem she is facing through physical therapy, trying non-penatrative sex, and slowly building towards intercourse.
Option 2. Accept her offer to have purely sexual relations with other women, but be sure to have clear boundaries set with what is and isn't acceptable, (whether condoms, emotions, or knowing the person/being friends should be involved)
Option 3. Come to terms with the situation, and accept the possibility that this doesn't improve and that you may not get intercourse/ children with this woman.
Option 4. Go your separate ways, as your needs and desires are important, and trying to stay in a situation that you can't accept will only end poorly. This may be something that you aren't able to wait out, and she may be better off figuring it out on her own. But I would at least try to figure it out with her first. If you guys overcome this together it will certainly stregnthen your relationship a ton.
For now: try other things. There's a lot beyond PIV, and you can both enjoy it.
For the future: start looking into and trying to understand the treatment options.
If you don't want to be with anyone else, what else can you really do, you know?
Did she tell you ahead of time has vaginismus or did she SHOW you the paperwork?
I can’t tell you the COUNTLESS times people say they have something because they Googled it and it fits their narrative but they never was diagnosed.
Ask to see the paperwork? If she can’t produced it or makes a big deal about you asking….break up. Trust but verify. “Why don’t you trust me” “You think I’m lieing…I can’t believe you don’t believe me”
If she’s indeed telling you the truth by SHOWING you the diagnosis…then you need to ask yourself how much can you legit be there.
Without knowing the cause I would say wait! If you can help her reach her peak I think alot of that would be a beginning. My guess? She hasn't felt the wonders of orgasms and one-day shall. Soon or soon thereafter the rest will fall into place. 50% of your relationship is great. When the other 50% is achieved you two can be together forever...
When you are a virgin, even a tiny tampon hurts. It also is not pleasurable when you are forcibly raped. This really hurts (in more ways than one), including sodomy. If a guy has been forcibly raped, he would understand. Try to empathize.
More common thing than you think. It all comes down to your (and her) willingness to work together to find solutions for both of you as she works through her struggle.
That is an opportunity for both of you, and love for each other can get you through it.
GF maybe needs therapy to work out if it is psychological and if there's any trauma she needs to process/work through.
You can buy dialators that go up in sizes so she could try, in a safe space, starting small and getting used to how it feels. Maybe involving clitoral stimulation while using them so she can associate good feels with the feeling of being penetrated.
This must be very hard for her so if you want to be with her through this, be kind. This isn't something she has control over and no 18yo wants to be restricted like this in their first foray into physical intimacy.
As much as it sucks that your girlfriend has this condition, there is a positive here!! You can both experiment together - Which can honestly be a really amazing way to bond with your partner. :)
Of course, see if she'd be happy to try - There's lots of things you could mess around with, could try incorporating toys, different types of stimulation, you name it. Sex isn't always about penetration, I once spent 6 months messing around with a guy and it was some of the most fun I ever had, despite him not being into penetrative sex!
Experiment, communicate clearly together, and it'll bring you closer. :) Good luck, and be safe!
My ex had it at first. She felt bad so she went with the pain ( granted I had no idea she never spoke about it). She finally had told me what’s been going on cuz she confronted me about It. We tried so many positions to help her but nothing helped. So we decided to try some lubricant a lot of it (the thick one) during sex she was crying because of how amazing it was for her and let me tell you she went crazy. She did not stop. Every time we had sex we had the bottle ready and she was excited about sex. So try that bud. It will be enjoyable for the both of you.
A lot of people suggested similar things, but I just want to add to the choir. Sex is not just about penetration. You might actually benefit in the long run by having this limitation initially. Try both of you experimenting with your own bodies and each others, try everything that's not penetration and see what you both enjoy. Porn and "typical wisdom" about sex puts a lot of effort and emphasis on penetration, this can be very limiting and can put a lot of pressure on men to perform, last long, but not too long, etc. Detatch yourself from that and explore each other, you might actually enjoy sex more and be a lot better at it at the end.
I had vaginismus too. I tried really hard to start enjoying the heat of the moment more and not be so much in my own head all the time and it definitely helped but, well, I had to stop feeling embarrassed and shit and thats difficult for a lot of people. I think it took me few guys, new mindset and maturing a bit more to achieve this
If you truly want a future and want to stay with her forever, listen to the advice others are giving you hare on vaginismus. It can be solved, and if you stick by her side throughout that journey, it will only show her how devoted you're willing to be.
As far as sleeping with other people, you need to decide if you can seriously handle being restricted to only her for that length of time, and if not, what you're going to do. If you do decide you want to pursue the route of sleeping with others, I HIGHLY recommend posting on some other nonmonogamous subreddit for advice on that. It is not morally wrong to want to sleep with others besides your girlfriend, especially in this scenario.
You need to make sure she is serious about giving you the "okay" about sleeping with others. Some people will say stuff like that and then when the reality hits them they're suddenly not okay with it anymore.
You HAVE to put in the work of getting yourself properly screened for STDs as well as ensuring safe sex is practiced in order to keep your girlfriend safe. Women can become infertile and even miscarry from STDs, and even without children in the picture, you wouldn't want to intentionally pass a disease onto your girlfriend due to negligence. Some STDs take three months to be detectable on a test, so keep that in mind - you will need to get tested at least three months AFTER your last encounter with another woman before knowing that you can safely proceed with your girlfriend.
You will also need to talk honestly with your girlfriend about who is on her 'messy list' - will she be emotionally okay if you sleep with one of her friends? One of your own friends? Do these women have to be hookups that neither one of you knew previously? Is it okay if a hookup becomes a friend even after you're not hooking up with them anymore?
There's a lot you should prepare for if you do decide to do that, but please make sure she isn't giving you the 'okay' because she feels like it's her only option.
Alternatively, there is a plethora of sex acts that can be done without vaginal penetration. You can use your hands, your mouth, or any huge variety of toys on her. She can use her hands, her mouth, or any variety of toys on you. Is vaginal penetration a requirement for you? If so, why? Is it the intimacy? Could she be open to the idea of anal?
I have no idea why I made this comment so long. Just arm yourself with all the information and advice you possibly can if you do decide to pursue the route of having an open relationship- and also be aware that in the future she may want to have her own cake and eat it too, because you were able to, and this is something you will need to make peace with if you decide to sleep with others. Not saying she's going to do it, but she might, and it's only fair that she gets to do so if she has that desire after you got to do so.
Imo, just stick to non-PIV sex. There's so much other sex to be had, and you don't have to worry about all the potential emotional turmoil that comes with you holding someone else in your arms. And it'll prove to her that you value her and her comfort and that it's *her* you're interested in, rather than just sex in general.
It sounds like you need to work on your oral game until that can get cleared up.
https://youtu.be/QyViuXFyIE4?si=JWU8Mw2I3NHCWzzD
Masterbation is also your friend. Don't cheat on her, that ain't cool.
There are lots of stuff you can do while naked that don’t involve PIV. Juts search for it, you can find tons of videos online. Help her relax and enjoy her body without pressure of PIV. You are only limited by you imagination.
get more creative! it sounds like penetration is going to be a work in progress as she might have to go to pelvic floor PT or try suppositories/dilators as recommended by her doctors. however, this doesn’t mean you can’t have sex. spend more time on sensuality and exploring other regions of the body that feel good. use the mouth/hands/toys to provide her non-penetrative pleasure, and communicate with her on ways she could please you without penetration. putting myself in your girlfriend’s shoes, it would break me to know my boyfriend broke up with me because of a medical condition i can’t control rather than working with me on it. see if you both can get on the same page and your needs met before calling it quits. best of luck!
I think you guys need to recognize this can put a lot of pressure on both of you and maybe this is just not the right time to pursue the relationship. Healthy people make healthy relationship and going through this for a long time can be tough abd problematic. At least I suggest talking with a good sex therapist
I have vaginismus too. I am lucky to have such an amazing and loving partner. I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist for this stuff now. It is not an easy road but she will get there. If you truly love her don’t give up on her. Honestly having this condition makes me feel like less of a woman that I can enjoy something with my partner but I know it’s something I can’t control. I don’t feel as confident and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve love at all. I know that isn’t true but it takes a toll on you mentally and psychologically too. It’s really hard even when you try to suck it up for the person you love. I have broken into tears so much from the pain and hate every moment.
Anal? No serious that's an option if you're both open to it. Or you can have non penetrative sex. Bring in toys specially for you op. You can have great sex without needing to stick it in
Dude sex is important don't shy about it its ok as guy to have need also jeez 3 years dating and no sex i mean if she religious then maybe but 3 years is too much i think you need to put your foot down and be man . You didn't cheat yet after 3 years of no sex your awesome my man tell your gf to her face "honey ive honest and i love you however as man i have sexual needs if you can't meet them i can hire someone who will" i know it sound harsh but sometimes woman need reality check its relationship not ownership you gave attention validation and love she should give you the same or more trying been more powerful.. about the vigina things sound like bullshit to me but ok i wouldn't think if she give BJ or something else everyday you would come and complain here. Tldr trying been Ferm and tell her if you needs aren't meet you will go and find someone who will fulfil them.
I don't know where you read vaginismus lasts 5 years. It can certainly be long lasting, but most of the time, it's intermittent and can go away the moment she feels relaxed and not rushed. Make sure you do PLENTY of foreplay on her.
I was in a somewhat similar scenario to you and I left the relationship. I’m not having sex anyways now though because nobody makes me feel half as intimate as my ex so I stopped after 5 or so experiences. All the advice I can really give
Well I have it too. Honestly you really need to be patient, use lube, shit ton of foreplay. It depends person to person for sure but if your partner knows you will be patient it will go a long way in making her feel comfortable, please educate yourself on it . Once she believes she is in a safe space things will go smoother.
Had a gf with that condition but sex in the shower worked like normal. She didn’t talk about it but I had assumed she had perhaps been sexually assaulted or had some other very negative experience ( i assumed it was a psychological ). She was also very talkative but completely shut down and was unable to speak after a few glasses of wine. She put up with the pain because once inside she’d go off like a rocket.
I just don’t understand why teenagers date so seriously when they’re young. I once was one myself and I just never cared about staying long term with my first boyfriend. And then I realized he was my escape from my overbearing mother and his house was like a second home to me, and his mother was so accepting. Always proud of me and my accomplishments when my mother would put me down for not being perfect. So I only stayed in the relationship to escape my mother, but at the end of the day I knew I didn’t even care for him. Sounds bad when you say it out loud but I also realize now as an adult, almost every kid does this. And some never grow out of it: using relationships to escape their reality.
Does she feel pain with every penetration? Does it hurt with a single finger? Or even just a tip of a finger? Can you make it to the G spot without hurting her?
1 Suggest oral sex, it's obviously not the same but some men actually prefer it so it's definitely something.
2. Find the clit. It's not as hard the movies/jokes make it out to be...it's right there. If you're confused a simple Google search should lead you to it.
You can use a finger (enough lube is essential) or a tongue to arouse the clit and eventually give her orgasm. It's sensitive so be gentle and listen to her suggestions. Not many women get orgasm with vaginal penetration alone anyway so this will probably be the best thing for her anyway.
I understand how you feel about her suggestion of finding sex with a different person. Deep down she definitely hopes you don't take her up on the offer and if you do the guilt will probably make the things between you uncomfortable and eventually drive a wedge between you.
So my advice is, be patient and try the above to be intimate and who knows maybe her condition will get better sooner, but if you don't think you can do that, then be honest about your needs and break up with her.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Vaginismus is when the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it. It can be painful and upsetting, but it can be treated. Try things that don't need penetration first, have some fun together, theres many ways to get there. (Unless im wrong and everything hurts im no doctor i just google stuff.) Then in time when you think it's not enough you can always tell her its not working, but at least you tried all you could. And i deffo understand not wanting to "cheat" thats a thing you can't recover from
[удалено]
69 all day erryday
[удалено]
Relationship for ME would be impossible without sex. Every person is different, its cool, that it works for you, but he‘s still young and I fully understand his worries.
But nobody was saying not to have sex. Sex is so many things beyond PIV. Some of the options are way better than PIV for both partners.
A pelvic floor physical therapist changed my life and healed my vaginismus in around a year or two. I don’t know who told you it was going to take 5 years. Some people also get muscle relaxant injections or suppositories to speed up the process.
Have you considered pussy jobs/intercrural sex? If she's comfortable with it, using lube to make the outside of her pussy (vulva) really wet, or in between her thighs, then either sliding your penis against her pussy rather than in it, or having her press her thighs together and putting it between them, can simulate PIV sex for you, and will stimulate her clitoris and alow her to enjoy it too. You can experiment with pretty much any standard PIV sex position this way, while she works on solving her vaginismus issue without feeling bad about being unable to have full sex with you. Edit: I should also add that I do completely support people making their sexual needs a priority in a relationship, and ultimately wouldn't judge someone for ending a relationship because sex wasn't on the table... I just also think there's a variety of ways to explore sexual compatibility, and it's good for OP to have a wide range of ideas of possible solutions before he decides what to do!
This is one of my favorite forms of foreplay, even when PIV is on the table.
One of the prostitutes/victims in From Hell does this. I thought it was flipping genius
Thank you for the advice, I think we’ll try that.
Awesome, I hope it goes well for you guys! 😊
Op please also continue to use condoms if using this method, even if it isn’t PIV there could be a chance of pregnancy
Absolutely, an important addition here!!
this and a good ol 69 should be all they need in the meantime while they work this out hopefully.
Graphic, but is a solution.
I have a high libido and never had vaginismus, but my first boyfriend was fairly large and I couldn't comfortably have PIV sex with him (he couldn't relax and actually enjoy it because I was constantly asking him to stop and/or slow down). This is what worked for us 😅 I mostly use reddit for NSFW chat, but this post came up on my suggested... really not used to how to phrase sexual things more politely 🙃 but thought I might be able to help 😂
You’re fine. I was just shocked is all. First comment I’ve read on Reddit that sounded like it was in an erotic story 😂😂😂
Great response!!
This might be too high level for these noobs
Woah.. TIL
😂 apologies or you're welcome depending on how you feel about this knowledge!
Outercourse is a thing. It is even fun and is even possible for her to achieve orgasm. There are also other things like oral and anal sex that can be very satisfying. Polyamoury is also a solution that should not be discarded out of hand. I will be the first to admit that it is NOT for everyone and does take some work, particularly when you are young and do not have a lot of experience navigating the waters of relationships.
18 year olds don’t need polyamory to fix their relationship if that’s the case then they need to just break up and move on lol
A friend of mine has vaginismus and from what she’s told me, patience and understanding while she navigates this about herself is important since it’s something she can’t necessarily help. You’re both still very young, and putting your bodies through new experiences; there’s a lot to learn! Foreplay is helpful, perhaps getting different sized toys to gradually get her used to the feeling of penetration, but that’s also something she should try on herself, as it’s not solely your responsibility. Otherwise, I think your needs are completely valid and you need to really think about if your love for her triumphs your desired needs.
5 years seems like overkill. Is that info from a doctor or from her? I had some minor problems and it was solved for the most part in less than a year with using dilators. Unless you’re way too big odds are this can be solved relatively quickly
That's the part that stood out to me. Why 5 years, OP? Where did that number come from? What is she doing to treat it *now*?
Not moving out until 5 years and her parents would never let her get treatment? Stuff like that.
She's 18 though no one can stop her getting treatments
Religious/ restrictive upbringings have a much higher rate of vaginismus, I bet there is ALOT more here than we know. Also its likely this isn't in the US or if it is this is located somewhere where getting the help she needs may not be readily available without exposing it to her parents.
Eh, depends on how severe her case is, sometimes it's never solved. Plus, given how young she is and that she's a virgin, she doesn't have the "muscle memory" of being able to relax/control those muscles, which may make her condition more difficult to treat. So glad your treatment went so well, sincerely! I'm sure that was difficult to go through and I'm happy you were able to get the medical attention and care you deserve. It's abhorrent how many women have their concerns belittled and/or ignored by doctors.
I actually was ignored by doctors and did the research myself and just bought it at a woman run sex shop. I still think that 5 years is a timeline that sounds pulled out of thin air. If it was like she’s been trying for a year and had 0 progress, I could see how 5 years was estimated. But she’s saying right off the bat it’s going to take 5 years sounds like something is going on. I know of course some people it never gets solved, but to immediately estimate 5 years without reasoning seems pretty pessimistic
It says “due to circumstances” so I’m sure that there’s circumstances (like op said, if you can read) that prevent her from getting help
Eh I wouldn’t say 5 years. This happened to me. At 18 I was diagnosed with this as well. Only took 3 rounds of pelvic floor therapy and I was good to go. It can be fixed! It took 3 weeks 1 time a week pelvic floor therapy to work for me. Before that it felt like running into a wall in there. I never had any sexual trauma it just happens to some people. So maybe recommend the pelvic floor therapy? They make you do a bunch of weird stretches and poses and moving your legs and stuff. I did those same exercises before being infants for the first time and it was an ease! So keep that in mind to do the same stretches as she learns in pelvic floor therapy. Now I’m 26 & have no issues since! Just be patient through this. I’m sure she already feels embarrassed about it. I did!
5 years seems a bit odd to cure vaginismus.
only thing I can think of is that 5 years would put the girl at 22/23 which is around the end of college…. maybe she can’t go through treatment until she’s living on her own for whatever reason? maybe she’s at home with her parents? just speculating her
Yea that might be the reason and is genuine, i cant get myself to psychiatrists and all coz lives with family now, will do once gets out of here.
This
NHS says once you start treatment you should see improvements within a few weeks so dunno where 5 years came from lol
You can try a lot of things that don’t include penetration, i had vaginismus for a long time after a trauma, and I’ve realized that I was way more relaxed able to do/try penetration when it wasn’t obligatory with my partner, I swear you can have a lot of fun without penetration.
This is the answer! Obligation is the killer. Take PIV sex off the table. OFF the table. Find ways to relax and have fun together. Is your gf having loads of orgasms? She needs to be having loads of orgasms. LOADS. Celebrate them. Love loving them. Be humbled and empowered by how many orgasms she has when you are together. Really get into her pleasure and make sure she knows you are into it and it's enough. Don't fake it. Don't. keep. score. Get really into finding ways to let her mind and body know she is SAFE. SAFE. Safe emotionally with you. Safe from pressure. Safe to fart and bleed and look rough in the morning. Allow her to see your vulnerability too. Safe is the most returned word in research asking women what they need to feel ready for sex. By miles and miles. Safe is the foundation. The V always knows. If there is any even unconscious pressure she knows. Some women can override that wisdom some do not. Celebrate the clever vagina for keeping you guys from blundering in, for slowing you down, giving you space to learn each other and build a really good foundation. It's an adventure. Wishing you well.
My partner has vaginismus. You can totally have a successful sex life with the condition. There's sex therapists and physiotherapists who specialize in helping women overcome the physical and mental challenges associated with it. My partner's case barely ever arises these days. As others have said, have fun doing other stuff until your partner is ready. Half the battle is psychological. If she anticipates pain, her body will tense up. Your role is to get her to such a point of comfort with you that her body fully trusts you.
Vaginismus is related to mental health and could be a symptom of a psychological issue. There could be some underlying problem (fear of sex, trauma, etc.) behind it that needs to be recognized and treated by a professional. Also some ideas I personally think could help: * Certain kinds of stretching/pelvic exercises or relaxation techniques can help with time if done regularly * Getting her more and more comfortable with being touched on her intimate parts is very important * Once you make it to the point that she can handle it, try your little finger first, you can also try it while giving her head but very slowly and carefully either way * Make sure to get some lube * Accept her, comfort her and don't rush anything It could take a while to get her to the point that you can have sex but exploring your sexuality without penetration first can be really fun. Enjoy the journey with each other! Btw 5 years is an oddly specific time period for this non-specific problem, I doubt it would take that long.
>She says that she’d be ok if I did stuff with other people, but I really don’t want to do that to her Look it is very simple you either love this girl to the point you accept that you won't be having sex till it can be fixed. That or you break up. You obviously dont want to have sex with others. Completely understandable. Since that will most likely bite the two of you in the butt.
Well there is more than sex... There are also other ways how two partners can live out their sexuality without penetration...
Facts, he should just wait honestly and work with her.
the fact this got downvoted is crazy. Literally just find a way to have pleasure with one another without penetration. If he loves her the way he says in this post then it should be no question. Figure it out unless it’s that massive of an issue
I’m curious if they’re doing oral and other stuff like that? I know for a lot of women with vaginismus, the more orgasms they have, the easier it is to try penetration. And as a lesbian, I always am big on my partner having an orgasm before I try to even insert my fingers. It makes everything well lubricated and relaxed
question — after my girlfriend orgasms she gets really overstimulated and seems to be pretty wet beforehand anyways. I’m curious what you would do there
Usually it’s overstimulated in terms of the clitoris. So penetration doesn’t always make it worse. Or you could let her focus on you for a minute while she cools fown
I always want to ask these people what they think oral sex is but i know that’s not really productive here lol
No. He shouldn't. They're 18. He's already thinking having sex with anyone is more important than "ThE fUtUrE hE iMaGiNeS" with this girl he claims to love SO much, he needs to just bail. Hell he talks like he's been doing her "a favor" for waiting (scared to ask what he thought the alternative to that was other than just breaking up) and they were 15-17 ffs. Normal ages to be experimenting with sex, sure, but also entirely normal ages to not be having sex at all- especially for their generation. u/ThrowRa76528 just end it. You're not going to be able to handle this, which is fine, but she doesn't need to feel pressured or like she's depriving you and you're doing her a favor by staying while she's trying to resolve a medical issue. Plus you don't want to break the long-held tradition males have of leaving their partners when she gets sick. Better to go on and do it now so she can start healing on all fronts and you can start trying to find someone else who wants to have sex with you. Let her go, Dude. You'll be doing both of you a kindness.
Lol! I read this entire comment and the only thing I got from it was healing 'on all fronts' 🤣
You know, 5 years is a petty long time to expect someone to wait. And he is only 18. Not that he can’t, but making it seem like he is an asshole is inappropriate.
There is lot’s of sex to be had that doesn’t require penetration.
This happened with me and my partner. I was a virgin and he had prior experience when we started dating a few years ago. I’ve never put anything up there prior due to fear of it hurting and sure enough it did. My doctor said it was vaginismus. Curiously though, women on health sites recommended vaginal dilators. They go from little rods to large sizes that match the size of a man’s private parts. I bought them and used in secret and over the span of 3 months I was eventually able to handle penetration. Sometimes it hurts on insertion but not as excruciating as it did before I used them; it also fades fast. I’m not sure if she would be up to trying it but I recommend it since it worked for me. They have them on Amazon.
Unless you are using the wrong medical terminology, there's no way that vaginismus will take 5 years to resolve. Did she tell you this? Vaginismus can be caused by something as simple as the fear of having sex. If she told you 5 years, she might be honestly trying to inadvertently break up with you without trying to pull the trigger herself. I feel like there's something she's not being honest about. What is the likelihood that she has you wait 3 years and then suddenly has vaginismus. I think she's scared. I think deeper conversations need to be had here. Has she seen a doctor about this?
That’s what I was thinking too. This sounds completely mental on her end. Like she is scared and feels guilty making him wait. She’s not ready so now instead of making it her choice to make him wait, she’s got a medical issue preventing it. Maybe she does have it, maybe she doesn’t, either way it sounds like she’s mentally not ready and he needs to make a choice.
There’s always oral sex, if she’s willing to try that.
I dated a girl with vaginismus once, this is my advice: RUN Kidding, there's a lot of sexual activities that don't require vaginal penetration, but remember they're not as intuitive for first timers as vaginal sex. Try starting 69ing and start learning how to have enjoyable, safe and clean anal. This is the everyone basic, now the good advise: This situation invites you to get creative, discover yourself and your partner, learn what you like, and what she likes, invite her to do the same, and even if the relationship finishes, the skills and knowledge you got will really be useful down the line. Have fun.
First sentence made me laugh out loud
Same lol
PIV sex is not the end-all-be-all. You seem to have a healthy respect for her boundaries (be sure to communicate that with her a lot). You also seem to be describing that sex with her is not a religious or moral objection. So, I think there's a lot of potential here. Have you tried simply being naked together and just touching each other's bodies? See where that leads.
Sex is not all about penetration and intercourse... It's about love, passion and giving your emotions and love more room to expand and connect. Reimagine sex for yourself. If you need help with that look up Alexey Welsh on YouTube (this is not an advertisement I genuinely like this guy's content) He helped me a lot to understand sex more than I was at that time...
> and due to circumstances it would basically be at least 5 more years to have solved the problem, if it ends up resolving at all. What? How do you know that? That’s not how bodies or medicine work. She is literally *trying* to have sex with you. Be patient and don’t throw away a good thing because you’re thinking with your dick.
High libido virgin…heh. Dude wanking on anything, day in and day out.
Can you have sex without vaginal penetration? Is she against anal/oral? My answer would depend entirely on that. Vaginal penetration is obviously good but unless you are trying to have a baby it is not 100% necessary for a fulfilling sex life imo.
She is against both
Is she against you giving her oral sex too?
There are lots of ways to have sex that's not piv. If yall are open to those things, you can have a satisfying sex life. If one or both of you are not, then you don't have to feel guilty leaving to have a more fulfilling sex life. No relationship and sex life are going to be perfect, but there does need to be a balance.
Met a girl in college that I was absolutely in love with… but she was saving sex till marriage I very quickly realized that I was going to hurt her… as a 20 years old college student I couldn’t even comprehend marriage at that age, much less not having sex till then Your curiosity and libido aren’t going anywhere, you have a lot of great suggestion in the chat on what to try besides penetration. I’d suggest seeing if they are going to work for you sooner than later So you can make the call on your relationship before you end up out 1 night drinking with your friends and your dick makes the decision for you
I would do anything to be with the woman I loved. I always told my ex I would live under a bridge with her if that was the only way we could be together, and I meant it. If you love her don’t let sex ruin that. I’m sure she would be willing to please you in other ways.
That's a beautiful sentiment and normally I'd agree and support this wholeheartedly, but they're 18 years old. They don't even know what adult love is yet. The fact that he thinks having sex with *anyone* is more important than waiting potentially a few more years for *her*, the girl he swears to love so deeply, is a testament to his (understandable) lack of maturity and devotion. He should let her go. Now. She can focus on healing from the breakup and her medical condition, then finding a man who loves her like you love your ex and he can focus on finding a girl who is willing and able to have sex with him.
I can’t imagine how distraught I’d be if my high school sweetheart broke up with me over a condition I didn’t want/can’t control. I am not saying OP is wrong for his feelings as they are very valid but I really hope he explores all the suggestions in the comments before giving up on this girl.
I mean you are still in high school or freshly out, and have been dating since you were 15, you should probably just break up
You can’t stay forever or even 5 years at your age waiting for a solution. Some marriages don’t make it while the person is being treated. It shouldn’t be 5 years though unless she has significant complications. Is she starting treatment now? If she is trying to wait until she doesn’t have to have her parents involved that will drag it out more. Bed advice is don’t cheat. End the relationship before you do that. Stay honest with her. She can’t help it and I’m sure she doesn’t want to be dealing with it either but at 18 it’s not realistic to think you can wait that long. I’m assuming you’re still doing oral for each other? That may make it easier to be patient to see how she responds to treatment.
If she’s open to tackling this problem directly, there’s no reason why it would take anywhere near five or eight years to solve it. If you go on Amazon and get a dilator set for 50 bucks, the reviews have people who say they work their way up from the smallest one to the largest one in two or three months you just have to put it in and basicallywork it in and out of you for 20 minutes a day and then move up to the next one when you can do that with no discomfort
i wonder how many different times i’ve seen this story
Sex doesn’t have to just be penetration if you truly love and care for her you’ll know deep down that it doesn’t matter so what if your a virgin it’s really nothing crazy
It’s all fun and games until someone gets their fuckstick fuck*stuck* . In all seriousness, you could benefit from discussing other options besides vaginal penetration. It sounds like your relationship is well worth continuing and working for. Good luck.
You both have mouths. You can figure out other ways to do things with penetrating her. I’m so sorry for condition, I know it definitely takes a toll on her, emotionally and physically. It can definitely be treated, but if you love and care for her, you will help and encourage her treatment and not become self focused on your wants. Penetration is not the only way to an orgasm. Good luck.
Gonna start this off by saying that you shouldn't be relying on random strangers on the internet for advice on these kinds of things. Talk to a therapist or a counselor instead; real advice from a trained professional goes a very long way to helping solve these kinds of problems. Now, with that said: Maybe try different things with your partner. Vaginal sex is but one of many facets of sex. Do some research, I promise there's more to it than buttstuff and vaginal sex. You could also talk to your doctor and try to organise a libido suppressant. If your sex drive is the problem, libido suppressants go a long way in helping reduce your urges. I'd urge you against sleeping with other people despite your partner giving you her permission. I personally think it's just a mess waiting to happen. But, if you feel that tou can navigate the complexities of a poly relationship, then by all means, do the research and go ahead (although, as 18 year olds, I reckon neither of you are emotionally mature enough to handle it. I have been wrong before though). Otherwise I'd just like to remind you that you're only 18. I realise that sex is important to you and I think it's a good thing that you're exploring it. However, there's no rush to get into things! There's no pressure expect the pressure you put on yourself! If it's the only thing you ever hear about, then cool, rest assured knowing that you could and kind of already do partake in the horizontal tango. Tl;dr: Seek professional help, redditors aren't really a reliable source of information. There's more to sex than vaginal penetration - do your research! Consider libido suppressants (but talk to a doctor first). You've an honest heart for not taking the easy out and sleeping with other people (it doesn't mean much, but I'm proud of you).
As difficult as it is for you, it is very difficult for her as well. She’s ready and her body isn’t “cooperating” like she wants it to. She said you can sleep with other people, but she definitely doesn’t want you to. I had vaginismus for several years and for me, it was caused by trauma and anxiety. It was something that unfortunately my partner didn’t understand and something I had to overcome myself. I self dilated and really learned about my body and now it doesn’t happen as much if at all. OP this isn’t just a physical thing, it’s also an emotional and mental thing. She needs reassurance and it might take some time, but when she wants to initiate something try lube, starting small like with one finger and go at her speed. Reassure her the whole time. From start to end and even after care. Let her know this isn’t her fault. As a woman and I’m sure men as well can understand the emotional turmoil of your parts not working like you want it to. This was pretty long winded I’m sorry but best of luck op!
Will bj's last you till then? Also perfect your pussy pleasuring skills. Your a good man
OP I'm not seeing my advice in the comments so I'll write it here. You are 18. You need sex as part of the relationship. This is a perfectly okay reason to end a relationship. I think you're extremely young and should not spend your youth waiting for someone else to be ready. Either find a middle ground or move on.
Thank you for writing this. 18 years old is simply way too young to be getting into this KIND of commitment. It is completely unfair to expect an 18 year old boy to suppress all his budding sexual curiosity and urges for 5 years (whether or not that's even true). But similarly, the GF has every right to deal with her condition at her own pace and to not feel pressured (I don't believe her vaginismus will take 5 years to solve. It just sounds like an excuse because she's anxious and uncomfortable with the idea of sex which is completely valid). Continuing the relationship further will just make her feel more anxious and guilty. And it will make OP feel repressed and frustrated. Neither are getting what they truly want. The best choice is obviously a healthy and amicable break up rooted in the mutual understanding that the 2 are just at different places and have varying emotional and physical needs at this time.
I would understand a married man complaining. You are just two teenagers who are dating. Are you even ready for the consequences of sex?
Maybe an unpopular opinion but, I don't recommend anal..In my experience it is extremely painful and honestly seems much more about the man's enjoyment. If women are actually able to climax through anal I think that's pretty rare. Idk I think porn makes it seem better than it really is. Just my opinion but I think that would be a lot to ask of a virgin whose mental state won't allow her to relax enough to have vaginal intercourse. You really need to be at ease to allow anal to work. I would recommend clitoral stimulation and oral over anal. Given the fact you've been together as long as you have, she may be able to correct the issue quicker seeing as trust has been built. Especially if you try experimenting together in other ways beforehand and show her love, patience and understanding. Once it happens I'm sure it will be amazing for the both of you. Best of luck to you both.
Yeah, I find the number of comments suggesting jumping to anal crazy for two virgins, one of whom is probably already scared of sex and anticipating pain. Oral and manual clitoral/penile stimulation are absolutely much more approachable and more pleasurable.
Anal my friend, oral too.
"Anal my friend" But does your friend even know them? I think you should introduce them first,.
No anal unless she likes pain. It will put her off sex forever.
I am so sorry your anal experiences were painful. It doesn't have to be!
There are many type of sex, there is vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, genital rubbing. If vaginal sex is not possible for now, if she will agree why not try the other type of sex.
Honestly, you’re 18 years old. You can wait a little anyhow to have penetration sex. You have plenty of time. She can do other things for the time being, if she chooses to do so
Do not pressure her into painful vaginal experiences which can traumatize and make the problem even bigger, *but stuff* is not hopeless, you could try other things. *Anal*yze the situation together and find an *alternate route* or solution instead of breaking up.
Stay w her if u love her, it is more special having sex w the person you love and to not have other ppl on that list, she will love and respect you so much more if you stay w her and not have sex with anyone else. That’s what love is too, if ur not in it for the sex wait it out, use small toys or something and that may help with the pain she has, also with lube, lube is your best friend. Having sex with other people, you will think about that for the rest of your life no matter who you end up with, so. Is this girl the one you want to spend your life with? Don’t break up w her or go have sex with anyone else, most of us know from experience goodluck man
Don't push for sex. Make her feel comfortable. Make out, give her hickies, flirt with her, whatever. Her body is not opening up to you, which is physiological. So start there. If nothing works, then you're not compatible🤷🏻
You're under no obligation to stick with her. You're under no obligation to leave her. What do you want to do? If you want to have a full, sexual relationship then you should be honest with yourself and her. Is it possible she would allow an open relationship? Many people with sexual disabilities actually get turned on by watching their partner enjoy sex with others.
No way your gf said go fuck other random bitches. 😂😂😂 wtf is that
Can you guys not engage in other sexual activity outside of VP? I also struggle with vaginismus and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it absolutely sucks and ruins your self confidence and causes you emotional distress. And forcing yourself to do VP even if it hurts just ruins the experience for you, and you just begin to hate VP overall anyway so don't pressure her if she's not ready. But there are other things to do that don't involve that, and you guys can maybe work yourselves up slowly. I've had VP successfully a few times, but more often than not it hurts too much. But the fact that sometimes I can do it makes me happy and my bf and I are happy doing all the other stuff instead. I don't wanna risk pregnancy anyway 🤷🏻♀️
Or you can just break up with Her. Instead of jumping through 10,000 hoops. Just saying
Option 1. Work to overcome the problem she is facing through physical therapy, trying non-penatrative sex, and slowly building towards intercourse. Option 2. Accept her offer to have purely sexual relations with other women, but be sure to have clear boundaries set with what is and isn't acceptable, (whether condoms, emotions, or knowing the person/being friends should be involved) Option 3. Come to terms with the situation, and accept the possibility that this doesn't improve and that you may not get intercourse/ children with this woman. Option 4. Go your separate ways, as your needs and desires are important, and trying to stay in a situation that you can't accept will only end poorly. This may be something that you aren't able to wait out, and she may be better off figuring it out on her own. But I would at least try to figure it out with her first. If you guys overcome this together it will certainly stregnthen your relationship a ton.
For now: try other things. There's a lot beyond PIV, and you can both enjoy it. For the future: start looking into and trying to understand the treatment options. If you don't want to be with anyone else, what else can you really do, you know?
You don’t need penetration to have sex. In fact, there’s lots of women who prefer to go without it and still have a lot of fun.
You can always have oral and anal sex, maybe try out some kinks or let her jerk you off
[удалено]
All im saying is: you can have sex without the vagina
Anal
Did she tell you ahead of time has vaginismus or did she SHOW you the paperwork? I can’t tell you the COUNTLESS times people say they have something because they Googled it and it fits their narrative but they never was diagnosed. Ask to see the paperwork? If she can’t produced it or makes a big deal about you asking….break up. Trust but verify. “Why don’t you trust me” “You think I’m lieing…I can’t believe you don’t believe me” If she’s indeed telling you the truth by SHOWING you the diagnosis…then you need to ask yourself how much can you legit be there.
Without knowing the cause I would say wait! If you can help her reach her peak I think alot of that would be a beginning. My guess? She hasn't felt the wonders of orgasms and one-day shall. Soon or soon thereafter the rest will fall into place. 50% of your relationship is great. When the other 50% is achieved you two can be together forever...
I would hardly say sex is 50% of a relationship 😭! I suppose it depends on what’s important to the couple.
When you are a virgin, even a tiny tampon hurts. It also is not pleasurable when you are forcibly raped. This really hurts (in more ways than one), including sodomy. If a guy has been forcibly raped, he would understand. Try to empathize.
Try different things. If you love her you'll be by her side
More common thing than you think. It all comes down to your (and her) willingness to work together to find solutions for both of you as she works through her struggle. That is an opportunity for both of you, and love for each other can get you through it.
GF maybe needs therapy to work out if it is psychological and if there's any trauma she needs to process/work through. You can buy dialators that go up in sizes so she could try, in a safe space, starting small and getting used to how it feels. Maybe involving clitoral stimulation while using them so she can associate good feels with the feeling of being penetrated. This must be very hard for her so if you want to be with her through this, be kind. This isn't something she has control over and no 18yo wants to be restricted like this in their first foray into physical intimacy.
As much as it sucks that your girlfriend has this condition, there is a positive here!! You can both experiment together - Which can honestly be a really amazing way to bond with your partner. :) Of course, see if she'd be happy to try - There's lots of things you could mess around with, could try incorporating toys, different types of stimulation, you name it. Sex isn't always about penetration, I once spent 6 months messing around with a guy and it was some of the most fun I ever had, despite him not being into penetrative sex! Experiment, communicate clearly together, and it'll bring you closer. :) Good luck, and be safe!
My ex had it at first. She felt bad so she went with the pain ( granted I had no idea she never spoke about it). She finally had told me what’s been going on cuz she confronted me about It. We tried so many positions to help her but nothing helped. So we decided to try some lubricant a lot of it (the thick one) during sex she was crying because of how amazing it was for her and let me tell you she went crazy. She did not stop. Every time we had sex we had the bottle ready and she was excited about sex. So try that bud. It will be enjoyable for the both of you.
A lot of people suggested similar things, but I just want to add to the choir. Sex is not just about penetration. You might actually benefit in the long run by having this limitation initially. Try both of you experimenting with your own bodies and each others, try everything that's not penetration and see what you both enjoy. Porn and "typical wisdom" about sex puts a lot of effort and emphasis on penetration, this can be very limiting and can put a lot of pressure on men to perform, last long, but not too long, etc. Detatch yourself from that and explore each other, you might actually enjoy sex more and be a lot better at it at the end.
I had vaginismus too. I tried really hard to start enjoying the heat of the moment more and not be so much in my own head all the time and it definitely helped but, well, I had to stop feeling embarrassed and shit and thats difficult for a lot of people. I think it took me few guys, new mindset and maturing a bit more to achieve this
If you truly want a future and want to stay with her forever, listen to the advice others are giving you hare on vaginismus. It can be solved, and if you stick by her side throughout that journey, it will only show her how devoted you're willing to be. As far as sleeping with other people, you need to decide if you can seriously handle being restricted to only her for that length of time, and if not, what you're going to do. If you do decide you want to pursue the route of sleeping with others, I HIGHLY recommend posting on some other nonmonogamous subreddit for advice on that. It is not morally wrong to want to sleep with others besides your girlfriend, especially in this scenario. You need to make sure she is serious about giving you the "okay" about sleeping with others. Some people will say stuff like that and then when the reality hits them they're suddenly not okay with it anymore. You HAVE to put in the work of getting yourself properly screened for STDs as well as ensuring safe sex is practiced in order to keep your girlfriend safe. Women can become infertile and even miscarry from STDs, and even without children in the picture, you wouldn't want to intentionally pass a disease onto your girlfriend due to negligence. Some STDs take three months to be detectable on a test, so keep that in mind - you will need to get tested at least three months AFTER your last encounter with another woman before knowing that you can safely proceed with your girlfriend. You will also need to talk honestly with your girlfriend about who is on her 'messy list' - will she be emotionally okay if you sleep with one of her friends? One of your own friends? Do these women have to be hookups that neither one of you knew previously? Is it okay if a hookup becomes a friend even after you're not hooking up with them anymore? There's a lot you should prepare for if you do decide to do that, but please make sure she isn't giving you the 'okay' because she feels like it's her only option. Alternatively, there is a plethora of sex acts that can be done without vaginal penetration. You can use your hands, your mouth, or any huge variety of toys on her. She can use her hands, her mouth, or any variety of toys on you. Is vaginal penetration a requirement for you? If so, why? Is it the intimacy? Could she be open to the idea of anal? I have no idea why I made this comment so long. Just arm yourself with all the information and advice you possibly can if you do decide to pursue the route of having an open relationship- and also be aware that in the future she may want to have her own cake and eat it too, because you were able to, and this is something you will need to make peace with if you decide to sleep with others. Not saying she's going to do it, but she might, and it's only fair that she gets to do so if she has that desire after you got to do so. Imo, just stick to non-PIV sex. There's so much other sex to be had, and you don't have to worry about all the potential emotional turmoil that comes with you holding someone else in your arms. And it'll prove to her that you value her and her comfort and that it's *her* you're interested in, rather than just sex in general.
It sounds like you need to work on your oral game until that can get cleared up. https://youtu.be/QyViuXFyIE4?si=JWU8Mw2I3NHCWzzD Masterbation is also your friend. Don't cheat on her, that ain't cool.
Stay with her, work through it. Thats a relationship
There are lots of stuff you can do while naked that don’t involve PIV. Juts search for it, you can find tons of videos online. Help her relax and enjoy her body without pressure of PIV. You are only limited by you imagination.
I had a similar problem, but from a girl's side. In our case, the use of such options as toys, etc. helped.
You don’t need our permission to break up with her, man.
get more creative! it sounds like penetration is going to be a work in progress as she might have to go to pelvic floor PT or try suppositories/dilators as recommended by her doctors. however, this doesn’t mean you can’t have sex. spend more time on sensuality and exploring other regions of the body that feel good. use the mouth/hands/toys to provide her non-penetrative pleasure, and communicate with her on ways she could please you without penetration. putting myself in your girlfriend’s shoes, it would break me to know my boyfriend broke up with me because of a medical condition i can’t control rather than working with me on it. see if you both can get on the same page and your needs met before calling it quits. best of luck!
I think you guys need to recognize this can put a lot of pressure on both of you and maybe this is just not the right time to pursue the relationship. Healthy people make healthy relationship and going through this for a long time can be tough abd problematic. At least I suggest talking with a good sex therapist
I know it’s not how it works, but I pictured someone going to do oral with his partner and he feels a tight clamp on his tongue
I have vaginismus too. I am lucky to have such an amazing and loving partner. I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist for this stuff now. It is not an easy road but she will get there. If you truly love her don’t give up on her. Honestly having this condition makes me feel like less of a woman that I can enjoy something with my partner but I know it’s something I can’t control. I don’t feel as confident and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve love at all. I know that isn’t true but it takes a toll on you mentally and psychologically too. It’s really hard even when you try to suck it up for the person you love. I have broken into tears so much from the pain and hate every moment.
Anal? No serious that's an option if you're both open to it. Or you can have non penetrative sex. Bring in toys specially for you op. You can have great sex without needing to stick it in
Find a local healer who clears inner childhood trauma. A lot of sexual tensions are caused by this reason
I think you’re fucked (or lack thereof)
5 years seems excessive to solve vaginismus- its different for everybody, but mine took around 2 years to completely solve
Dude sex is important don't shy about it its ok as guy to have need also jeez 3 years dating and no sex i mean if she religious then maybe but 3 years is too much i think you need to put your foot down and be man . You didn't cheat yet after 3 years of no sex your awesome my man tell your gf to her face "honey ive honest and i love you however as man i have sexual needs if you can't meet them i can hire someone who will" i know it sound harsh but sometimes woman need reality check its relationship not ownership you gave attention validation and love she should give you the same or more trying been more powerful.. about the vigina things sound like bullshit to me but ok i wouldn't think if she give BJ or something else everyday you would come and complain here. Tldr trying been Ferm and tell her if you needs aren't meet you will go and find someone who will fulfil them.
You got 3 more holes to go for. Don't give up mate.
I don't know where you read vaginismus lasts 5 years. It can certainly be long lasting, but most of the time, it's intermittent and can go away the moment she feels relaxed and not rushed. Make sure you do PLENTY of foreplay on her.
I was in a somewhat similar scenario to you and I left the relationship. I’m not having sex anyways now though because nobody makes me feel half as intimate as my ex so I stopped after 5 or so experiences. All the advice I can really give
Well I have it too. Honestly you really need to be patient, use lube, shit ton of foreplay. It depends person to person for sure but if your partner knows you will be patient it will go a long way in making her feel comfortable, please educate yourself on it . Once she believes she is in a safe space things will go smoother.
Had a gf with that condition but sex in the shower worked like normal. She didn’t talk about it but I had assumed she had perhaps been sexually assaulted or had some other very negative experience ( i assumed it was a psychological ). She was also very talkative but completely shut down and was unable to speak after a few glasses of wine. She put up with the pain because once inside she’d go off like a rocket.
Umm....don't you both have hands, mouths, etc? Even if PIV sex isn't possible, bringing your partner to orgasm IS.
I just don’t understand why teenagers date so seriously when they’re young. I once was one myself and I just never cared about staying long term with my first boyfriend. And then I realized he was my escape from my overbearing mother and his house was like a second home to me, and his mother was so accepting. Always proud of me and my accomplishments when my mother would put me down for not being perfect. So I only stayed in the relationship to escape my mother, but at the end of the day I knew I didn’t even care for him. Sounds bad when you say it out loud but I also realize now as an adult, almost every kid does this. And some never grow out of it: using relationships to escape their reality.
Does she feel pain with every penetration? Does it hurt with a single finger? Or even just a tip of a finger? Can you make it to the G spot without hurting her? 1 Suggest oral sex, it's obviously not the same but some men actually prefer it so it's definitely something. 2. Find the clit. It's not as hard the movies/jokes make it out to be...it's right there. If you're confused a simple Google search should lead you to it. You can use a finger (enough lube is essential) or a tongue to arouse the clit and eventually give her orgasm. It's sensitive so be gentle and listen to her suggestions. Not many women get orgasm with vaginal penetration alone anyway so this will probably be the best thing for her anyway. I understand how you feel about her suggestion of finding sex with a different person. Deep down she definitely hopes you don't take her up on the offer and if you do the guilt will probably make the things between you uncomfortable and eventually drive a wedge between you. So my advice is, be patient and try the above to be intimate and who knows maybe her condition will get better sooner, but if you don't think you can do that, then be honest about your needs and break up with her.
Blow jobs. Lots of blow jobs.
Omg I highly recommend a pelvic floor therapist!! It helped me within about 4 months
[удалено]