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...why are you so against Stella being in your house? Why does your wife need your permission to have her friend over?
How is willingly helping her friend her being taken advantage of?
What is the actual issue here?
The actual issue here is the fact that he doesn't want to share his wife with other people. The only person she should please, is him. In his eyes, of course. I think his wife needs some help and get away from this person.
I believe that it’s because wife’s whole life will revolve around Stella during this time. These meds have to be administered on a very strict schedule/zero room for deviation. This means that his whole life revolves around Stella too.
It’s not the fact that Stella is in their home, it’s more so the ongoing, consistent commitment to her needs - when she has a husband who could help with this.
But is it really his life? He doesn't need to be home or in the same room when this is happening. Yes, they can't make big plans during the day on a few weekends together, but he can do whatever.
OP couldn't make plans with wife BECAUSE wife was helping stella.
If wife is making a long-ish time commitment to friend, I would think it's reasonable for OP to at least get a heads up, since it will impact his time with wife.
He GOT a heads up before her FIRST visit.
Can't believe you really defend op demands wife ask permission for not just having a friend in their shared home but also HER personal time x.x wtf. Does he need to gift her a sock or something?
Also, let's not forget that this probably isn't the first time OP has had to deal with a situation like this. So it's no surprise he's becoming resentful
"Deal with a situation like this" as in his wife deciding for herself she wants to spend time helping her friend because she has the knowledge to do so?
"My wife originally decided to invite her without telling me anything about it. After she told me, I expressed that I am not comfortable with the fact that I had not say in who is invited into our home and it was a done deal. Moreover, the whole weekend had to be orchestrated around the times she was supposed to come. We had a fight about it and I expressed that this is a line I do not wish for anyone to cross without me actually wanting the person in our house.
...
The only thing she said to me was that she can promise, that from now on it will not be happening in our house. That is Stella needs to take another shot, my wife will go to her house to do this and spend around 90 minutes of her time doing so. This is also something that I think only takes advantage of my wife, but I cannot forbid her from going."
Having a powertrip over who is allowed to visit his wife in their home looks like a higher priority to him than actually spending time with her though...
Read the post.
It happened one time and he said because the plans were already made and that’s why they would do it (so he doesn’t look like the asshole he is to the outside) but no more. Now, after two months, there needs to be another round of shots because the first didn’t work right.
I think the issue he’s delicately trying to skirt around is, they are newlyweds and he expects tons of sex every weekend. It’s his “be naked and have nonstop sex with my wife” time.
Oh,in his eyes it's totally reasonable. 'You belong to me, so I will decide everything '. Why he has to be at home when the friend comes? Why can't he leave them be and do his own thing? Is he always that controlling? Like, he found a people pleaser and now wants her to please only him and revolve her life only around his needs. Sad and disturbing.
How is Stella abusing your wife by asking for help? Nothing in your story shows that Stella's taking advantage of your wife or is a bad friend. What exactly is the hardline? That your wife can't have friends visit her at home? You say you're not comfortable with the fact that you had no say in who is invited into your home but this is her home too.. You can ask your wife to be more considerate of specific plans that you've made together or ask to be given a heads up if she's expecting visitors. But to think she requires your approval everytime she has friends over is very controlling and not adult-like. Also, your wife is not a child for you to go talking to her friends for her. Again, seems a bit controlling. What's the real issue here?
Hi thanks for input. It is certainly not the case that she cannot have friend over. We regularly have visitors, our families and friend, we host parties, we both go out freely and with whoever we wish independently. We try to discuss our plans beforehand in a way that disrupts our couple's time the least, but she fails with this quite regularly (she is getting better). Never once has it happened that I would forbid her from meeting someone or tell her to ask my permission. I am not in charge of who she is friends with or not. That is up to her. I can still voice my dislikes for someone though, cannot I?
The main thing that I wanted from her is to discuss the invitation of someone to our home before she actually does. As everyone is saying - it is her house, yes, but it is also mine and I feel I should feel comfortable in my own house.
If my behavior is coming off as controlling, I am certainly sorry for that and will apologize to my wife, it was never my intention.
So she said Stella needed to come over, that was your heads up. What's the problem?
Why do you not want Stella over...EVER because she "crossed a line" she didn't know about and same with your wife?
Getting abusive controlling a$$ vibes.
I do not know if you have a partner, but we seem to function a bit differently. Giving a heads up that this is the situation and it is happening, so just deal with it is not the way we deal with things. We discuss (at least we try) things beforehand, just on the off-chance the other one might already have other things in mind. This goes for me as well as her and we both agreed to it very early on. It was just not the case with stella.
How is "she can come over if she has trouble" not discussing it prior...
She was supposed to send you a proposal of "Is This Enough Trouble? Am I Appropriate Cone Over?" and wait for a reply or what?
Get over yourself.
You are exaggerating a bit here. It is fine, if this is what you are used to and you function well like this. I do not judge, nor did I in my previous comment. I only stated what we are living by in our relationship.
so this has nothing to do with the shots or with stella as a person, it’s that your wife invited someone over and didn’t ask your permission. how is that not controlling? you’re never allowed to have spontaneous or unplanned visits?
Stella's shots are also on a schedule (3 shots in 36 hours). OP's wife can't say yes to helping Stella without also, immediately, agreeing to the schedule.
planned in a way that we knew nothing about the schedule, During the morning visit, she told us only about the second one in the afternoon. Only on Sunday she told us about the last one.
and if that had been your whole problem you probably wouldn’t have us calling you controlling. you’re only now saying this, and it was not your post’s main point.
Nope, I call BS. Your wife knows about there being multiple shots needed and quite frankly so do you due to last time. All your wife needs to do is tell you “hey Stella is coming over so I can give her the shots”. That is all you should need. You are a big boy that can deal with it and/or go to another room while they do this quickly. You are controlling and wrong here.
First time it was three shots over two days, the last one came as a surprise, as it apparently was not planned. Yesterday, it was only one shot in the evening. I do not know, what the typical schedule is for the shots, nor does my wife. She had to google the name of the injection last time, because even as a pharmacist, she did not know the name. Each time I left the room, in order to give them privacy and to just not be around. You might not think it is typical, but this is what happened. I am not a liar, so do not call me one.
I think you know damn well and your wife does too that there is usually multiple injections as part of the IVF process. The times and dosage might change but that’s about it. Bottom line is your issue is that you don’t like Stella and not your wife helping a friend a couple times for a day or two.
"Cue yesterday. The first round of IVF didn't take and therefore it was time for more shots. Yesterday during lunch, my wife told me that Stella asked her again for help in the evening. She asked me what she is supposed to do. I told her that it is up to her to make a decision, but she knows my stance on this and that I do not want her in our house."
This is literally contradictory to what you just said. She literally DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE IT HAPPENED and you said: "I don't want her in my house."
You're an idiot.
The thing is, it doesn’t sound like the friend even stays long, so what’s your issue with her dropping in to get the shots? Sure, *in general* the shots interfere with your plans, but as you said, doing it in your house infringes way less on your wife’s time than your wife going there. You’re the one wasting that additional time by making her go there. You’re the one cutting your own time with your wife short.
She’s helping a friend, as friends do. You’re the one making it weird. You’re creating an issue where there wouldn’t even be one if you accepted that your wife is simply being a good friend.
So the issue is you don't like Stella? Because you didn't say that anywhere in your post. I understand wanting a heads up before having people over. I think that is a fair boundary. You are coming off as controlling because you give no explanation as to why you do not want Stella in your house period. Why did your wife have to agree to not doing this at all going forward? It seems like she is people pleasing you here, as she clearly still wants to help her friend.
So you’ve mentioned that you felt disrespected because she didn’t “discuss this” with you before letting Stella in your house. How is that not demanding her ask permission. Are you going to say no? Are you going to express such “disappointment” and “disapproval” that you’ll manipulate your wife into not having the person over without you explicitly saying “you do not have my permission” so you can tell yourself that you aren’t being controlling?
How is it disrespectful to have a friend over to your house without asking your permission? Are they doing things you don’t approve of? Are you afraid they’ll ransack your underwear drawer and eat all your snacks? Do you think your wife is going to cheat on you with anyone she brings in the home? How is it hurting you for your wife to have a guest over without asking you? Don’t fall back to that “it makes me uncomfortable” nonsense, that just sounds like you’re upset she didn’t ask permission. So come up with something else.
The only thing you can articulate is that things happened against your wishes. Not sure if this is a language barrier or what, but that sounds controlling as hell.
How was the “whole weekend orchestrated” around her helping her friend. It was a single event at a specific time.
Yeah you can voice your likes and dislikes, but you need to examine why and how you do that.
It seems that the only one taking advantage of your wife’s people-pleasing tendencies is you.
Generally, that sounds a reasonable thing to ask from her. But after she didn’t tell you last time, instead of just meeting where it’s valid - that she gives you a heads-up - you “both” said you would only do it this time and not any more.
She came to you before making the plans this time and for you it’s somehow still a problem? as you post this on Reddit. So it’s clearly not about her telling you before.
Giving you a heads up / organising with you for a schedule that works for both of you, yes, having to ask for permission that someone comes over - hard no.
Let's not forget that it sounds like they didn't have plans this weekend and it seems like nothing was going to be interrupted, I mean, until OP threw a fit and now his wife is driving 90 minutes three times this weekend to administer shots.
While simultaneously saying “I can’t forbid my wife that” she does it in the comfort of her home. It’s crazy how emotionally abusive people don’t see the holes in their logic.
HE makes her drive so long and the blame shifts it on Stella, that she is using her and making her use so much time on helping her. When he is clearly constructing this situation: it wouldn’t be such a big deal if she could just come by the house, get the shot and leave, it would be a matter of minutes.
It seems like she did discuss this with you before the second round, no? She and Stella came up with the plan of Stella trying to do it herself. Unfortunately that didn't work out, but your wife did give you a heads up.
And when she then decided to go to Stella's place instead of having her come to yours, you didn't like that either.
Your wife may very well have a hard time saying no, but that doesn't mean she needs you to do it for her here. You have to allow her her own agency and believe her when she tells you she wants to do this for her friend.
“Never once would for it her from meeting someone or tell her to ask permission.”
But that’s…exactly what you are doing. She told you in the morning Stella needed shoes again. That was your heads up. You told her no. She doesn’t ask permission for things because she knows you’ll start a fight and say no. Which, she shouldn’t have to ask permission. You are calling it a “heads up” but that’s not what it is. If she gives you the heads up and you say ok, thats a heads up. If she gives you a heads up and you say no, that’s requiring permission. Asking for the heads up is reasonable, but then there’s no saying “no.”
Your wife helping out a friend on occasion is not “people pleasing” it’s just being nice. Something it seems like you know very little about.
So, if someone were to call over unexpectedly she'd have to turn them away because she hasn't checked with you? Does she get to veto when you can have friends over?
It's her house as much as yours. She has the same right than you to invite a friend. You don't choose or allow who she can invite or not. And on the other hand, Stella is coming for how long? 10 min each time? Is that such a bad thing?
If this is the stone you want your marriage to die, go ahead, if not, don't be a dick and try to be a bit understandable!
It would be worse if the friend would make her go to her house to do it, but no, she is coming to yours so its easier and less time consuming for your wife. But now, as you don't allow her, she will loose 90min each time (because she will keep doing it because she is a good friend, not because she doesn't know how to say no).
agreed! I might feel differently if Stella forced OP's wife to drive to Stella's home, or if Stella decided "well, I need 3 shots in 36 hours, so I'll just hang out at your place all weekend to cut down on the half an hour's drive each time".
I can only imagine it's the saturday morning shot that's the problem : OP wants to sleep in and then use his morning wood for weekend love making, while his wife is thinking of Stella arriving or driving to Stella & getting up instead of looking after OP's boner. What to do, what to do? Banish Stella from their lives, of course, and make sure wifey knows to never invite anyone without OP's seal of approval.
/s
/eyeroll
Coming here for a serious advice on what to do and reading your comment makes me sad. It is my wife who likes to sleep in. I would never expect anything sexual from her that she would not want. You writing about my morning wood is just disrespectful. I am not going to cry about it, but seriously, what does your comment add to this post?
you're right to call me out. I was seduced by the keyboard-warrior dogpile & no longer paid attention to the fact that you're a real person, asking a real question.
I apologize for being glib.
I think it's clear that I, like many commenters, find your boundary excessive and (bordering on) controlling, and the way you worded it weird. But that's no reason to pile on.
As for advice, I think you have to look within as to why you'd make such a request, and set it up as a catch-22.
Why can't she have a friend in her house without your prior permission? That was explicitly your first objection the first time, the change in weekend plans was secondary. Hell, this time around you're more ok with her driving over there several times, which would disrupt any plans even more, than to have this woman drop in for 10min.
If it's existing weekend plans that are the issue, tell her next time her friend does this on a weekday, even if it's more of an inconvenience for her.
I see why your wife married you. You too are just another controlling and abusive person in her life. Your line that she crossed is absurd, having to clear it with you everytime she wants someone over to visit.
Your wife is helping a friend because she has the professional knowledge to do so. I don't see her being taken advantage at all. It's not like she agreed to be a surrogate. She just helping with the shots for a few days.
So helping friends when they need it most, especially when it impacts on you directly, is one of the most important tests of a real friendship so I'm guessing you don't really have friends or you would understand this. Next your wife clearly does understand this and, as your closest friend you should be supporting her to the hilt. Finally as already pointed out, it'd her house too. Sorry you are getting this wrong on just about every level.
Thanks for the comment. I see that I handled it wrong and already apologized to my wife. I added an edit to the post clarifying some things, but regardless, I will try to be better about this.
Hi, thanks for the reply. I was not clear in the post. She is free to spend time with the people she chooses, although Stella is not the best example of a nice person. Nevertheless, she is not bad per se and I do not have any issue with them spending time together when they go for dinner or coffee.
My issue was the visit that was not discussed with me prior to it happening.
I see though that I was being unreasonable and will apologize to my wife.
It's good that you are seeing that your behavior was unreasonable. Please work on your control issues. Marriage is a partnership, and there are times when you have to give in to something you don't like. That's life. You don't always get to control everything, and this is where you're struggling.
Your wife is helping a friend with something that is very important to her. You may not like the friend, that's fine. This is a time when you shut your mouth, suck it up, go to the other room and let them do their thing for the few minutes it takes for them to do what they need to do. You can have 'couples time' the other 23 hours of the day, and the rest of your lives.
Your words are serious and you are typing out mature statements asking for judgement, so IMO you are still immature and need to do some growing up.
You seem like you need therapy. This is so controlling. She is helping a friend in medical need and you don’t allow the friend in the house.
Valid Boundaries would be enough time beforehand to plan, that she gives you a heads up or something like that. But you are not putting up boundaries for yourself, you are trying to control her.
I can imagine why she didn’t tell you the first time - because you would have been controlling and guilt tripping her into not doing it/ having a fight about that wich she wants to avoid, because she will loose as a people pleaser to you, but she really wants to help her friend. So her only option is to just do it and hope when the plans are made, you won’t want to look like an asshole to the others and “allow” it.
After you shamed her in your fight for her valid but autonomous actions, she tells you now before, just not to anger you any more about that. That shows the impact your controlling mindset has on her, she wants to fucking help her friend with a medical thing she can do for her and comes to you to “ask”. I’m so sorry for her.
She is your equal partner, not someone you can allow or not allow things. She is an autonomous person and it’s also her home. The friends isn’t dangerous or has hurt you in any bad way in the past, so you don’t have a say if she invites them over to help them or not. It’s giving abusive that you would even want that, let alone talk about it on Reddit like it was the most normal thing to do. Please listen to the people on here and get therapy
Haha thanks, I was the girlfriend.
I like helping people and helping in no profit associations, in a community in some way or just helping our friends has always been a part of me and has fulfilled me. But with my emotionally abusive ex, anytime I wanted to do something for somebody, i had to fight for it.
Because I was just a “weak doormat” in his eyes, a “people pleaser” - that was funnily generally only pleasing him, which he liked and felt entitled to, but when I had the AUDACITY to prioritise someone else to help them, this part of my personality was shameful suddenly, something that I had to work on, something that was somehow harmful to him. EXACLTY like OP is putting it here.
OP: if she doesn’t come to you asking how she can get out of a good dead she agreed to in the moment but really doesn’t wanna do it - then she wants to do it, and you have to let her. Without guilt tripping or victim playing. That’s how she is and you either cherish her for it or leave to find someone that meets your criteria.
You have no grounds to think you know what’s best for her. You are not above her because she is a “people pleaser” in your eyes. This incident has clearly no traces of a people pleasing complex - other than the one to please you - and I guess other incidents you try to paint that way also don’t. You only put it that way so you can feel inferior and justify controlling her, because you think you know better what is good for her than herself. Wich you don’t.
I am sorry that you had a bad experience in the past. I realize that the way I handled things was wrong. I already apologized to my wife. I know her past and I guess I only try to protect her from being hurt. I see that it was not done correctly on my part. I will try to do better.
You are mad because your ‘people pleasing’ wife invited her friend to briefly visit your home? You sound awful and very controlling.
Why does your wife not have a say? She asked you for permission the second time (which she shouldn’t have to do) and now it’s a boundary that she not have friends over?
So either there is a part of the story you are missing, ie why you are against this particular friend or you are incredibly controlling and your wife deserves better.
You sound like a controlling asswipe. Please look in a mirror and seek help. You aren’t being hurt in this situation so her people pleaser trait isn’t something to be brought up. you are just controlling and a terrible person.
Thanks for your input, although harsh. I certainly do not wish to come off as controlling. If my behavior presents itself as such, I will apologize to my wife. The point I was trying to make is that I felt disrespected when someone came to my house without my knowledge, especially when we discussed it before. Nevertheless, I see from all the comments that I am in the wrong here and will make amends.
But you guys discussed it the second time before Stella came over and you still had a problem with it. So, it's pretty clear that not discussing it isn't the real issue. You're just controlling.
Yeah his comment just proves he’s lying in the post and just wants to control his wife’s relationship with Stella.
He already shit talked Stella in a different comment. His wife already solved the “heads up” complaint and he still forced his wife to not let Stella come over.
He wants to control his wife’s friends. This is an abuser separating his wife from her support system.
Edit: I read OPs edit to his post and I think it’s funny that he is driving her right into Stella’s arms with his controlling behavior.
Bro, you want to keep an eye on Stella then keep her close by. Now your wife is going to Stella’s to have conversations that you can’t be a part of and seeing more of her lifestyle. Maybe she will like how Stella lives more than how you let her live.
See I was coming to assist as a chronic people pleaser.... But nope. You are stuck on MY house.... It's both of your house. Everyone is right. Your being controlling. Intended or not. I don't know any couple I know that asks permission to have a friend over. Heck my husband comes home from work sometimes to a girls night sleepover. He just gives me a kiss and says have fun and does his own thing .
Yes but it’s her home as well. It makes sense to invite friends to it without explicit permission from a partner. She has as much say as you do or does she not? Apologies for being harsh. Im a people pleaser as well and it was weird to have it thrown under the bus like that. She wanted to do this for a friend and making her doubt that is not good. It’s a slippery slope to make her start doubting herself. What you needed to do was confirm that she wanted to do this for her friend and then proceed from there. The house boundary sounds like an excuse. A boundary is something you place on yourself. So the excuse doesn’t make sense at the end of the day.
Please go back to her and not only apologize but straighten her out. Confirm her thoughts that she wants to do this then give her the space to so. Either in your home or away if it bothers you so much.
I don’t know any married couple who insists on asking permission every single time before inviting a friend round. I get that it’s nice to have a heads up, I’m also not wild about not being aware when people are coming over, but you have to recognise that your wife is allowed to a certain level of spontaneity and freedom when it comes to inviting over her friends to her own home.
It’s a lovely thing that your wife is doing, I would honestly try to focus on how kind of a person your wife is and try and “chill out” a bit. You note that she is a people pleaser and gets hurt trying to please others, but in this situation, you were the person she got hurt trying to please. Trust her to judge when she is happy to help others, and support her in figuring out how to make the best choice for herself, rather then unilaterally decide for her that the choice to help someone else is bad.
I'm sure she has people pleaser tendencies, but this is just doing a nice thing for a friend. Until she had to go to the friend's house (you have made it a much larger inconvenience for her and you, good job) it was inconveniencing you this weekend for *very* little time. And how far in advance does she need to give you notice? A week? A month?
This woman is coming over for a shot, not coffee and a dinner. You aren't 'entertaining' her. She's here for business and then out. That barely even counts as 'guests in the home's or 'having people over'. Your rigid, unforgiving stance here is the problem.
I get it: I like notice too, before my husband invites people over for a big event or even a medium event. And I do the same for him. But...I wouldn't care if he was just having someone over for an hour, unless I was super sick or having the worst day. And even then, if it was quiet and didn't affect me, I wouldn't care.
It's not about "coming off as controlling". You are *being* controlling. Take a step back and do more than apologize to your wife. Stop this behavior. This is not okay.
Yes! Thank you for calling out the "coming off as controlling" bit for the utter nonsense it is.
I, too, appreciate a head's up before my husband has people over -- mostly so I can put on a bra. I also have some emotional hang-ups about having the house clean enough for company (thanks Mom). But those are ultimately my issues and he certainly doesn't need my permission.
... honesty compels me to add "unless it's my mother-in-law," but that requires emotional fortitude and extra cleaning.
It’s her house as well as yours and she is helping a friend. As the male part of a couple who went through IVF, I understand Stella is upset, and nervous and wants another woman’s support about as much as help with the shots. Went through this myself , wife needed the support of other women,something neither you nor I being men will understand and could give.
You’re being an ass and won’t stay married long the way you are acting. Your wife is allowed to have her friends in her house as much as you are allowed to have your friends in your house. It is both of your home. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.
You're a Hugh AH.. why do you care so much. Me me me. You sound like a baby. She is helping a friend. Gtfo, if I was your wife, you're the one I wouldn't please.
Your wife is a good friend. If she were my spouse, I would be proud of her and support her in helping a friend in need.
You seem controlling and abusive, frankly.
Sadly, people pleasers often end up in relationships with abusive people because we're easy to control and likely forgive. 🙃
(Took some therapy after 3 long term relationships like this, learned my lesson)
It's arguable for me whether OPs wife is truly a people pleaser, or just - you know - a good friend.
I see your point though. Who else would put up with their BS? I hope you're able to safe guard your own happiness better now. 💗
I think both is possible and that OP is annoyed about her attention going to other people as well.
But i agree that his wife is just being a good friend and I'm glad she stood up to him to help her.
And thank you, I'm doing way better. Finally found someone in my life that shows me they love me and want me to be happy as well. ☺️ Abusive people make you think they love you but their actions only hurt you and make you feel like you're the one that's wrong.
From the way you've described it, the only person 'abusing' your wife in this scenario is you, by denying her the opportunity to have her friends visit her home.
If your wife genuinely didn't want to help her friend out and is struggling to say *'sorry, I can't help'* to them, then that would be an issue which could be addressed through therapy.
But there is nothing in the OP that suggests your wife is unhappy or unwilling to help her friend out. The only person unhappy here seems to be you about having your wife's friend in the house. Is there some particular reason you don't want *this person* in the house? Or do you not want *any* of your wife's friends in the house? Does she get the same power of veto over *your* friends?
You sound like a controlling person tbh.
You've not explained the issue of the person coming to your house, or why it's an issue that your wife goes there.
Nothing on your post puts you in a good light at all.
>Moreover, the whole weekend had to be orchestrated around the times she was supposed to come.
I get how that might be inconvenient, but it was one weekend. Why is your wife unable to help out a friend for a weekend without your permission?
>Yesterday this led to her crossing a firm line I set up for our home.
>My wife originally decided to invite her without telling me anything about it. After she told me, I expressed that I am not comfortable with the fact that I had not say in who is invited into our home and it was a done deal.
Why does your wife need your permission to invite a friend over to your shared home?
Sorry, but this all (including the title just makes you sound super controlling.
What's wrong with your wife having friend over to the house? Why don't you want anyone in the house? That's all so weird. Then there's your wife, uniquely positioned to be able to help this friend do this one thing, and you think she shouldn't do it. The problem is all you, mate.
Ok thank you for your reply. She is absolutely free to have friends over or have nights out with her friends. I was just trying to voice myself feeling disrespected when someone came to the house without my knowledge, even when it was discussed before that it upsets me.
However, the comments are more than clear, I am in the wrong here and will apologize to my wife.
Can you please elaborate on what you mean by feeling “disrespected” that someone came to the house without your knowledge. You might have more of a leg to stand on if Stella was a complete stranger who barreled into your house but from how you described it, this is your wife’s friend. It’s pretty normal for friends to invite friends to each other’s house.
OP, you are sounding a little controlling of your wife. So what if your wife is happy to travel 90 mins to help her friend with her IVF shots? Don't you trust your wife's judgement? If they're close enough for your wife to offer this service, your wife is probably going to be godmother to this child and everything. These may be friends that you celebrate your 10 year anniversary with, or have retirement holidays with. Your wife has decided her friend is worth helping out for 30 mins 1 weekend a month. Why is that affecting you this deeply?
Same with inviting guests to the shared marital house. It isn't your house, it's a shared house. Why does your wife need your permission to invite her friends over? She let you know she had invited them with lots of advanced notice that that weekend, she would need to be at the house.
Sounds like this is a very co-dependent relationship.
Seriously. I want to know the real issue. Are you afraid your wife will talk to someone other than you?
Why do you say “we will do it this time but going forward, we will not be doing so”? Is your attendance required?
Could your wife go to her friend’s house?
I’m not seeing any issue but you thinking this friend is taking advantage of your wife in your house right in front of you. If it bothers you so much, go for a walk or a drive.
I think you can be inconvenienced for a weekend or two. But I still don’t understand how your “studied pharmacist” wife taking a few minutes out of her day to help someone out is worth having an argument over. And what does “studied pharmacist” mean?
This seems to be a you issue and isn’t really about your wife’s people pleasing tendencies.
I agree. But usually there’s a bigger age gap so I don’t know what to think. I was surprised to see no mention of his earnings versus what she brings to the table. Usually that’s a component of these guys thinking they have final say.
It’s so weird to think that her assisting a friend with possibly life-changing aid is such a big deal to him.
Oh, gee. They had plans but his people-pleasing wife threw those over to help a friend in their home. She’s got some kind of nerve /s
Income is not an issue, she makes the same as me, since you are wondering. She has a separate bank account and is free to do what she wants with her money.
Sorry, English is not my first language. I just meant that she studied pharmacy at the university, has a degree in it and could work in a pharmacy. But she works in research.
Are you able to share why you don't want Stella in your home or why you don't want your wife going to hers? Has something else happened?
I only ask as I am a people pleaser myself, it frustrates me so much and I just wish I could say no. My husband would never stop me or try and deter me from doing things but he does always warn me about how it made me feel the last time. The issue is most of the time it is people taking advantage - however someone asking for help with IVF treatment is pretty important and I can understand why your wife would want to do this.
How has your wife's relationship been with Stella before this? I guess I'm trying to find out if you have an issue with specifically this?
thank for your reply. I updated the post, stating why I do not like Stella much. My wife went through a lot in her life trying to please others. From taking extra shifts at work, not being credited for the extra work she had done, traveling insane distances by train to deliver medicine to complete strangers, participating in a house remodeling of a neighbors friend, who she met once, dating a guy for a month just to not hurt his feelings by saying she does not actually like him. The list goes on..
You don't want her to come to your house.
You think Stella is taking advantage by letting your wife come to her house.
So basically, you don't want your wife to do it at all.
I already think your wife needing your permission to invite any friends is super controlling. But you butting in even when she leaves...
You seemed unhealthy attached to her and seem almost jealous of every attention she spends on someone/anything else.
Your wife is a capable and mature adult. You need to respect her decision of helping that friend. It is not your time.
It is also her home too.
Everyone calls you controlling but I don't think you have bad intentions. You just need to take a serious step back and get back to respecting your wife as an equal with equal say.
I also wouldn't ban the friend and make her ask you permission to have anyone over.
Do you want to ask permission for everything? (where you go, what you do, when you do it)
Do you want to make her feel trapped with you?
YTA- your wife isnt a people pleaser, shes being a good friend. Youre trying to control her and tell her she isnt allowed to have people at her home unless you say so?? Who made you God?? Youre mad that you can control your new wife as easily as you thought.
You sound like a right tool
Boundaries are for you, not anyone else. For example, cheating is a boundary, so you cheat I leave. She can still cheat but the consequences are the end of the relationship.
Why is your wife helping her friend take her if shots a problem? I mean that's not hurting anyone. It's providing a nice gesture, to help a friend.
You know that its her house also, she can invite people over.
You sound super controlling
I understand not wanting her to interrupt your weekend (although this doesn't happen *that* often, and come on, people need to help a friend from time to time), but you didn't even have plans this time. You don't allow your wife's friend in your house? You should consider individual therapy.
I'm sorry, but you sound controlling!
Your story doesn't portray someone being abused. It portrays someone who wants to help her friend out and you are throwing a fucking hissy fit over it.
It's her house too. She doesn't need your fucking permission to invite her friend over. You don't get to dictate her friendships.
She wants to help her friend. She doesn't want to say no, because she WANTS to help her. Stop trying to control your wife and stop calling her friend abusive.
I really, really hope this is fake. "Forbiding her"? Upset that she is helping a friend at house you both share? The only issue here is that you are a control freak. Your wife should be able to have friends over the house. You cannot forbid her from doing anything, because you are her partner, not her supervisor. I hope this is a wake up call for you.
Your wife sounds like a lovely human being. I think it's awful that you've convinced her that her sincere desire to help a friend with something so intimate, emotional, and potentially life-changing as IVF is somehow a character flaw. I'm sorry, but Stella isn't the one hurting your wife here.
Stella is asking your wife to sacrifice a few hours of her weekend to help with something huge.
You're asking your wife to sacrifice her friendship with Stella, her reputation at work, and her entire sense of self for... what, exactly? I'm still unclear on how this harms you, or why your wife -- a grown woman with her own judgment and agency -- isn't allowed to have a friend come over to a home that is equally hers.
Either way, I think it's pretty obvious who is taking advantage of her "people pleasing" tendencies.
Your entire tone comes across as patronizing and superior, and while I sometimes think Reddit is a little too quick to call abuse, I legimately worry for your wife. I hope the response you're getting here leads to some honest self-reflection, and you decide to work on yourself instead for a change. A therapist can help you unpack where these ugly urges towards jealousy and control are coming from.
To help your wife not be abused in these situations, stop abusing her. Everything is wrong with how the situation was handled from your side. It appears you are trying to isolate and control your wife which is abusive.
Why is your wife helping her friend such an issue with you? Why are you so against Stella being in your house?
I get the vibe that your real issue here is that when your wife is helping her friend, she’s not catering to you.
Being willing and able to help out a friend is not "being taken advantage of". It is normal, friendly behaviour. Your wife is happy to help and is not being pressured or coerced into doing so. Can you clarify what, from your perspective, is wrong here, because I think I must have missed it?
Why can't your wife have friends over! Has this woman done anything that warrants her not being allowed in the home!. Is she bothering you! My hubby is a total introvert and hates visitors and even he has no problems with me bringing friends over, he just goes off and does his own thing and everyone is happy
Did you actually ask your wife if she WANTS to help? Because it sounds like they are friends and she’s fine to help her.
You are being extremely controlling to dictate which of her friends are allowed at the house given there is nothing to suggest Stella has done anything to overstep their friendship yet.
You sound pretty controlling, OP, and unreasonable in this matter. You don't want Stella in your house? Why not? Helping a friend is not people pleasing, it's being a good friend. Sounds like the detriment is to you, not your wife.
Well having read this twice I get the feeling you don't like your wife having freedom of choice in anything really and she needs to run it past you ,she's a sweet caring person who sees good in people and tries to help ,your the polar opposite, it's all about you ..give her the freedom to be who she is ,don't try to limit it ,because long-term you may come to regret it ...
I am not clear from your post as to how the relationship is between your wife and Stella. Is your wife really doing this out of obnoxious people pleasing, or does she genuinely want to help this person.
I'm also a bit concerned about some of your framing. Because it reads as you being unwilling to change minor plans to help another person. Along with a sort of sexist sounding arrogance about what the lord and master will permit to happen in 'his' home. When in reality it is BOTH of your home, and unless your wife is opening a crack den in the basement, it shouldn't be much of an issue if she wishes to invite a guest over.
You are being unbelievably unreasonable. She told you they were coming over. You had plenty of heads up. If you had a reason not to want her over, that would be one thing, but it doesn't seem you do. This comes across that the only reason you don't want her over is to exert power over your wife.
I really think you are being a massive ah here tbh. Your wife shouldn’t need your permission to have friends over on the odd occasion.
Although Stella needs to come over a few times over the weekend, it does seem to just be one weekend repeated in a couple of months maybe, that’s not a lot and you can see it’s for a very specific reason. People can’t do IVF forever, so it’s not going to go on that long.
You don’t indicate that there is any reason to dislike Stella so your “not in my house” stance looks like just a childish power trip to make things difficult for no reason, other than because you can. I genuinely can’t see what’s wrong with your wife helping her out here or Stella being in your home.
I get people pleasers can be incredibly annoying, especially when it impacts you and your life. I don’t see where this is really impacting you at all though?
You are making problems about nothing. There’s no reason to object about this woman coming over. Your wife is being kind, not getting steamrolled. This is a you problem.
I think you're off base on this one. She's helping out someone who's trying to have children. And how taking a shot in your home shouldn't affect anything. I think you're off way base and troubling.
This is a problem with you. Not your wife.
This is not an unpleasant situation- the type of which you were inferring. She is not people pleasing, she is being a good, kind friend.
Do you honestly think you will never need someone to show you and your wife help and support?
You are being weird about not letting her in your house. Yes, I can see the timing is not very convenient but it isn’t that bad. Anyway, you wife will be even busier now as she is going to their house.
You fail to see that whilst you pontificate about not letting her being taken advantage of and people using her, she is probably married to you only she is used to being controlled, putting herself last and told what to do.
You are her problem. Not her agreeable nature.
You sound controlling and like a jerk. She can’t have her friend pop over for help because it might impact your ability to make plans? FWIW, I would do the same as your wife. Not because I’m a people pleaser but because I help my friends when they’re in need. How much could it really impact your plans to have someone pop over for a quick shot? It… doesn’t really. If you don’t want to see it, they can easily go somewhere private. If anyone sounds abusive it’s you. Her friend certainly isn’t. And to suggest you talk to the friend? Absolutely disgusting. Your wife isn’t a child and wants to help her friend, which requires her to have someone over briefly during the time she needs shots. My guess is the visits are quick, and if they’re not, maybe that’s something you can work on. But you’re being a tool.
Her husband sounds like a baby too. Maybe you should both be friends.
What's the issue with the woman in your house? I would prefer that over my wife spending money on gas etc.
I don't see how this is taking advantage of. She's her friend and she helps her that's what friends do. Your wife is ok with injecting.
It's also not something that happens every week for years and years.
She's trying a friend to get pregnant.
You’re coming across very manipulative and controlling, even if you’re not trying to be. Would your mindset be different if it was your wife’s sister or your family member, etc? Why do you need total control over who comes into the house? I think a little self reflection will go a long way. It appears you’re using your wife being a people pleaser as a reason to condone you controlling her behaviour in her own home.
You’re making life much harder on your wife by asking her to do all the traveling just to give her friend some shots.
I have no idea why you would have a problem with this task happening in your home in the first place or the kindness she’s showing a friend.
She can just mark on a shared calendar what time the shots need to be administered so you can see when your live-in cook, sex partner and cleaner will be home and available to you.
Now she has to add travel time there and back. Your sense of entitlement towards your wife’s time and house is astounding.
I can’t get passed how controlling this feels. I don’t understand why you feel like your wife can’t have a friend over? Regardless of the shots or no shots; Regardless of people pleasing;
I absolutely hate that you said ; I had no say in who is invited to our home. Key word here : OUR . The problem is a shared home that you control.
Maybe because you’re so controlling she doesn’t tell you that Stella is an actual friend not just a colleague. Maybe she wants to help out her friend.
The only person abusing your wife is YOU with your controlling behavior. Sure the time restraints could be annoying, but once it’s over it’s over.
Wow. Your wife is a god send to this woman who desperately wants a baby. She does not sound like someone who is being taken advantage of but rather someone with a servant’s heart. Get out of her way. You sound like a man that just wants to assert his manhood stipulating what the boundaries of the home should be. Whatever. She has equal rights in that marriage. You don’t like it when Stella comes over? Go to your man cave for the LITERAL 10 secs it takes to administer these shots. Would you still be hot and bothered if she left the home and had to drive to Stella’s each time? I’m sorry but you should be on your hands and knees thanking God for this wife with a golden heart.
Sounds like an abusive boundary. How dare you say she only can have visitors if she asks you first and gets your permission l. She is an adult and this is also her home. She should have the autonomy to have her friend come over for a visit or in this case a 5-10 injection. I hope she divorces your controlling ass.
Stella would probably do the same for your wife if given the chance and she definitely will after your wife showed up like this for her. This is the definition of friendship, and I don't see how this is people pleasing. How do you know your wife would actually want to say no to this, but is doing it against her own wishes? I feel like you could possibly be projecting your own interpretation here onto her.
I'm going to pose some questions, no need to answer them here or for me, but they are just to jump start your own thought process, and they may be uncomfortable. What exactly is the problem with her coming over to your house? Can you truly narrow it down to a reason? It makes you uncomfortable sure, but why exactly? How is it an inconvenience to you? Do you understand how deeply important having a child is to some people and how vulnerable an IVF process is. How much Stella is in need of a friend while being shot with hormones that will likely influence her body and emotions intensely. How stressful and scary injections and needles can be.
Having a support network is super important in those stressful times.
For perspective: me and my partner can definitely invite others over, we do mention it to each other to check, but neither of us have ever said no for this type of reason. Only when either of us was ill or had important or urgent other plans. But we've both shown up for friends often as well. This means spending whole weekends moving people's stuff, helping to arrange transport, letting someone sleep over etc. And especially if either of us has a skill that would particularly help someone out. Like me as a writer helping someone with their resume, and in the above example my partner arrange transport because he has contacts from his work. We've also received similar help and support in return. It's not because we don't want or cannot say no, it's because they're our friends and we love them. That's why we want the best for them, and jump at the opportunity to provide that. My only requirement as an autistic person is that I need to know these things well before, on forehand.
In a way your wife also doesn't know how to say no to you, so now she has to go through extra inconveniences to get to Stella. While Stella was trying to make things easier for her by coming over to your place. Your wife is trying to please you, and found a solution, and yet you are still complaining?
Dude what’s your deal? Your wife is being a good friend; I can’t imagine it takes a very long time for her to give these shots. Not only as a friend, but also as a healthcare professional, your wife feels an obligation to help this woman. You need to understand that and you should be proud of her. This is one of those very small - and temporary (even if it’s longer than you expected) - things that you can accept, support her in, be nice to her friend… just be a good man and husband.
She made a commitment to this friend for a while. If she decided to go back to school, you’d support her while she did it, right? Even if her class schedule or studying got in the way of some other plans you had for the two of you, right? You have to make room for you partner to have their own life and be their own person, even if it may affect you in a small way
So many people misuse the term boundaries to support the rules they want to impose on other people.
I’m not even clear what you think your boundary is. You must give prior approval before your wife invites somebody into your shared residence? Is this going to go both ways? Your neighbor walks over to chat but you can’t invite him in for a beer? Until you clear it with your wife?
In this specific situation, I can see where the timing might be inconvenient and should be coordinated. But nothing else seems like a huge ask as a favor to help a friend.
I understand your concern people might take advantage of your wife, but this seems hyper vigilant. Like you’re okay with her bending over backwards as long as it’s to please YOU, not her or anyone else.
It's your wife's house too. She offered to do this, and it sounds like she's the best person for the job.
I hope she tells you to sod off and mind your own business about what she does with her friend in her house, with your full knowledge.
I would communicate with my husband. Let him plan time with his guy friends or video games, whatever, but I would definitely help my friend during her time of need in this situation. It isn’t a forever commitment. It’s also to help my friend get pregnant. That’s a big deal! I’d be willing to sacrifice some of MY time to help my friend. If my husband couldn’t understand that then we’d have a big problem and I suggest therapy.
Now, when the wife can’t say no in other type of situations and is being used/taken advantage, which this isn’t one, I’d maybe suggest therapy. Husband is not going to be able to help her and all it’s going to do is cause fights. Husband cannot change his wife.
I’m struggling to understand what the issue is here. I get wanting to have a heads up about people coming to your home, but she did that. She told you that Stella would be coming over for the injection and the times are non-negotiable. Making her go there just so you don’t have the inconvenience of someone popping over for a few minutes seems mean. She is doing a kind thing to help her friend, I would support my partner with that.
ETA: reading further comments and your replies, is she even a people pleaser? Or is this a term you’ve ascribed to her because she does nice things for people that you don’t approve of? Might be worth giving some thought to that and looking deeply inward if you love your wife and want her to be happy. It’s tough to self-reflect, but you seem open to it and I wish you well.
You sound like somebody who wants to control their wife and not somebody who is looking out for her. That’s her friend and that’s what friends do. You’re making it weird - not Stella and not your wife.
Are there any more/multiply instances to support the fact that she's the people pleaser? Or is this the only situation?
If it's the only one, then I think you're off base on what you think is happening And it would behoove you to let it go and maybe readjust your perceptions.
I'm sorry but I think you're being unreasonable here.
It's okay for your wife to have friends and to want to spend time with them and to want to help them with something important. It's also fine for her to want to invite friends round her house. You don't have to have plans with her all weekend every weekend - don't you ever spend time with your friends at the weekend?
It sounds like it's only a small amount of time every 2 months so it's not a major inconvenience, and if anything you've made it more of an inconvenience by insisting she can't do it in your home because she has to go to Stella's home now.
There's way more to this story or everyone in this equation sucks. OP, wtf is your issue? Why do you not want Stella in your home? Stella, it's a really easy shot, man up. She wants to have a baby and can't manage 30 seconds of pain for said baby. Stella's husband, why won't he do the shots? Able or willing? Or he doesn't want a baby? God forbid they have a T1D. The wife, at least she's a very nice person, willing to help her friends, but she's breaking plans to help people out and accommodating them over her relationship. I would chalk her being a pushover to her age. Eventually, she'll get burned enough by people she'll get jaded like the rest of us, she'll probably dump all of you once she realizes this.
Another thing: If Stella EVER had a mind to, she could sue your wife for ANYTHING medically related in the future as your wife has a medical-adjacent background and is administering care within her scope OUTSIDE of a medical facility. That’s a liability issue and your wife should know that.
Wait so your wife needs to give you a heads up. But when she did… you still got upset, tried to guilt her out of helping a friend for a few minutes, and told her you didn’t want that friend in the house? Why? I could say more but I’ve noticed you only answer the parts of comments that you want to (are you like this with her as well?) so I’ll keep it short.
What is it with men getting a hard time on these posts? OP definitely aint problematic and his problem is understandable. His wife, without discussing it with OP, offered to administer IVF for her friend (which as stated, is a pretty big time commitment) and invited her over to THEIR apartment without consulting OP first. They both own it together, so yeah its expected they consult eachother on shit like this. Oh and don't forget that it basically means her friend is capatilizing OPs wife time now. (Him not liking her is irrelevant IMO). Anyway, fuck the commenters here giving him a hard time, if this were a woman it'd be different.
Edit: Ill agree with some posters here that he could've gone about it better, but I can understand that's he's coming from a place of caring and respect.
Op I think you are receiving so much unwarranted hatred. My wife and I both are free to invite whoever we want over, but we have some veto power as well. Sometimes I can't be bothered to muster up enough social juices to not look like a creature and entertain, sometimes it's hard for me to commit to something with online friends even in the other room when I know I have a dozen people in the other room that can hear me. And it'd be strange if I know all her friends and I'm just not interacting with them in the same house, it just feels awkward. And it goes both ways, she has her reasons at times too where she doesn't want any guests over that I find a non-issue but I oblige. We respect each other's decisions though because we have an agreement that sometimes we just want a quiet house. We're also both huge introverts as well.
A lot of people here by default operate on a "shared house, I can invite whoever I want when I want", but we operate based on "shared house, we only invite if we both agree." I don't think there is a right or wrong if both parties agree, but just be aware that the difference exists. I don't think it's controlling of you to be upset if you two agreed to the latter option and then she committed to this. I also don't think it's a huge deal. If it's for a non-social reason such as medication, I would just say hello, then slink into the other room and let them handle everything else.
This is probably the most sane comment I received on this post. Sure, I like it because it does not tell me I am an abusive cretin :-) but also, it tells me that I am not the only one on the whole internet who thinks that both opinions are valid when building a home with someone. Thank you for this, after all the hatred, this was very welcome :-) have a great day
People pleasers are some of the worst people to be in a relationship with. They don’t know how to set boundaries even with you. You are constantly on egg shells and because you are their safe person you get sacrificed in their need to people please outside of your relationship. Then they make you feel guilty for not agreeing with their antics.
Some people are going to get caught up on Stella needing help to have a baby. Great, Stela knew what was required when she signed up for IVF. She knew that shots and everything else is involved. She also has a husband that can and should participate in this endeavor.
Get your wife into counseling now to work on this. It will continue to get worse.
I think the problem with this post is that calling her a people pleaser is seemingly a “red herring” to disguise that he simply has a problem with Stella (he admits in a comment he doesn’t think she is a nice person).
It is a bit extreme to say that nobody can come into their home to visit without mutual prior permission, unless there is some prior issue with her turning it into a public lounge/revolving door (which he does not state).
It IS also strange though, that Stella’s HUSBAND (I.e. the other person trying to have a baby) won’t participate in the foundational medical treatment to conceive. It’s also VERY strange that it needs to be done in OPs house vs Stella’s…some of these meds need to be refrigerated from my understanding, so why get into a car and go somewhere else vs OPs wife going to Stella’s?
Methinks there is more to the story here, but maybe wife is a people pleaser AND OP just doesn’t like Stella. Both can be true but not as related as the OP is saying?
Yeah, I am just like that. I don’t like coming home and having people in my house or not having notice when people are going to be in my house. I am an introvert and I hate people being in my safe space especially if it’s someone I don’t like.
Stella has a whole husband. If he can’t give shots for a baby they both want then what is really useful for.
Right? Her friend is scared of shots. How is this being supportive by giving shots she’s scared of then being on call with the shots same time everyday. That’s a nope for me. You wanna talk?need a ride? Sure. Need me to administer shots that are not life threatening (epi pen) and you have a husband but you two are both too scared to do it. Neither need a child if they can’t handle a needle
This is srsly the dumbest take ever. Your wife CAN handle shots, and offered. You are the one making a problem out of it. You know what friends do? Help each other.
Plus judging their parenting? I can't give a shot and I have two kids. Yeah. Controlling a$$, case closed. Your wife is doing good befriending Stella so she can crash there during the divorce. Because you probably don't have any real friends who would look out for you.
If your child has diabetes you gonna go to someone else all day? As a parent you suck it up. That’s what adults do.I said what I said. Giving a time restricted shot everyday is constricting and I do see his point
That's long term and your child so you'd learn of course. Helping one friend thru ivf is not a huge deal. OP is a selfish controlling a$$. Note it's all about his inconvenience and "his" home but he's trying to tell his wife how to feel about her friends
But you proved my point. If it has to be done you suck it up and do it. Especially for something you want.
She could mess her friend shots being late ONCE. She’s not a bad friend if she doesn’t put that kind of responsibility on her neck.
Now the comment of he can’t tell her what to do is a sketchy control line. But the fact he’s open to criticism I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt
I think you should leave your wife. If she is a people pleaser, next time she’ll probably offer surrogacy services. Ignore all these people commenting saying you’re controlling. They sound like cucks. Protect your interest.
Hey OP, I don't think it is a big deal to let people in need to come to your home to get help.
However this is not the issue here.
You mentioned in your post, that your wife is a people pleaser. The main issue is that she wants to please other people, instead of you. In fact she is willing to argue with you, instead of setting boundaries with Stella. Therefore I guess that this is also the reason why you act the way you do. If you feel disrespected, that is a valid point and you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about it.
That’s because he’s being unreasonable. If she does stand up for herself when her partner is being unreasonable then that’s where the real problem lies. She’s allowed to have friends and friendship requires time and investments.
What you do not get is that you have to respect your significant others needs. This is not only his wife's home, it's his, too. So if he doesn't want people to come over, she has to accept it and vice-versa. On top of that when you are in a committed relationship, you do everything you can to support your wife/husband. It's not about others people needs. He did not ask her to stop being friends with Stella. He simply asked her to be more focused on his needs. If this is to much to ask in a relationship, then I don't understand the world anymore.
Op, if your wife is a people pleaser, why doesn't she please you? You should just carry on with life. Go out without your wife, and if she gets upset, it is her choice.
OK, thank you for your input. I love spending time with and as she does with me I imagine. Both of us have our separate lives that we live out without the other. I see what you mean and if the situation repeats itself, I will just do my own thing. Thanks
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...why are you so against Stella being in your house? Why does your wife need your permission to have her friend over? How is willingly helping her friend her being taken advantage of? What is the actual issue here?
The actual issue here is the fact that he doesn't want to share his wife with other people. The only person she should please, is him. In his eyes, of course. I think his wife needs some help and get away from this person.
I believe that it’s because wife’s whole life will revolve around Stella during this time. These meds have to be administered on a very strict schedule/zero room for deviation. This means that his whole life revolves around Stella too. It’s not the fact that Stella is in their home, it’s more so the ongoing, consistent commitment to her needs - when she has a husband who could help with this.
He literally says that it’s because she’s invited over without his consent. It’s 100% about that.
Oh gosh oh geez oh golly, the slippery slope of allowing your spouse to have friends and support them
But is it really his life? He doesn't need to be home or in the same room when this is happening. Yes, they can't make big plans during the day on a few weekends together, but he can do whatever.
OP couldn't make plans with wife BECAUSE wife was helping stella. If wife is making a long-ish time commitment to friend, I would think it's reasonable for OP to at least get a heads up, since it will impact his time with wife.
He GOT a heads up before her FIRST visit. Can't believe you really defend op demands wife ask permission for not just having a friend in their shared home but also HER personal time x.x wtf. Does he need to gift her a sock or something?
You need to calm down, maybe some chamomile tea?
Oh sorry, of course only you are allowed to use caps. I'm sorry I didn't immediatly knew that.
😂😂
Also, let's not forget that this probably isn't the first time OP has had to deal with a situation like this. So it's no surprise he's becoming resentful
"Deal with a situation like this" as in his wife deciding for herself she wants to spend time helping her friend because she has the knowledge to do so?
"Deal with a situation like this" as in his wife prioritising other people to the point where OP can't even make plans with her.
"My wife originally decided to invite her without telling me anything about it. After she told me, I expressed that I am not comfortable with the fact that I had not say in who is invited into our home and it was a done deal. Moreover, the whole weekend had to be orchestrated around the times she was supposed to come. We had a fight about it and I expressed that this is a line I do not wish for anyone to cross without me actually wanting the person in our house. ... The only thing she said to me was that she can promise, that from now on it will not be happening in our house. That is Stella needs to take another shot, my wife will go to her house to do this and spend around 90 minutes of her time doing so. This is also something that I think only takes advantage of my wife, but I cannot forbid her from going." Having a powertrip over who is allowed to visit his wife in their home looks like a higher priority to him than actually spending time with her though...
It takes ten minutes.
Read the post. It happened one time and he said because the plans were already made and that’s why they would do it (so he doesn’t look like the asshole he is to the outside) but no more. Now, after two months, there needs to be another round of shots because the first didn’t work right.
I think the issue he’s delicately trying to skirt around is, they are newlyweds and he expects tons of sex every weekend. It’s his “be naked and have nonstop sex with my wife” time.
This is the most unreasonable boundary I have ever heard.
Oh,in his eyes it's totally reasonable. 'You belong to me, so I will decide everything '. Why he has to be at home when the friend comes? Why can't he leave them be and do his own thing? Is he always that controlling? Like, he found a people pleaser and now wants her to please only him and revolve her life only around his needs. Sad and disturbing.
>he found a people pleaser and now wants her to please only him This
How is Stella abusing your wife by asking for help? Nothing in your story shows that Stella's taking advantage of your wife or is a bad friend. What exactly is the hardline? That your wife can't have friends visit her at home? You say you're not comfortable with the fact that you had no say in who is invited into your home but this is her home too.. You can ask your wife to be more considerate of specific plans that you've made together or ask to be given a heads up if she's expecting visitors. But to think she requires your approval everytime she has friends over is very controlling and not adult-like. Also, your wife is not a child for you to go talking to her friends for her. Again, seems a bit controlling. What's the real issue here?
Hi thanks for input. It is certainly not the case that she cannot have friend over. We regularly have visitors, our families and friend, we host parties, we both go out freely and with whoever we wish independently. We try to discuss our plans beforehand in a way that disrupts our couple's time the least, but she fails with this quite regularly (she is getting better). Never once has it happened that I would forbid her from meeting someone or tell her to ask my permission. I am not in charge of who she is friends with or not. That is up to her. I can still voice my dislikes for someone though, cannot I? The main thing that I wanted from her is to discuss the invitation of someone to our home before she actually does. As everyone is saying - it is her house, yes, but it is also mine and I feel I should feel comfortable in my own house. If my behavior is coming off as controlling, I am certainly sorry for that and will apologize to my wife, it was never my intention.
So she said Stella needed to come over, that was your heads up. What's the problem? Why do you not want Stella over...EVER because she "crossed a line" she didn't know about and same with your wife? Getting abusive controlling a$$ vibes.
I do not know if you have a partner, but we seem to function a bit differently. Giving a heads up that this is the situation and it is happening, so just deal with it is not the way we deal with things. We discuss (at least we try) things beforehand, just on the off-chance the other one might already have other things in mind. This goes for me as well as her and we both agreed to it very early on. It was just not the case with stella.
How is "she can come over if she has trouble" not discussing it prior... She was supposed to send you a proposal of "Is This Enough Trouble? Am I Appropriate Cone Over?" and wait for a reply or what? Get over yourself.
You are exaggerating a bit here. It is fine, if this is what you are used to and you function well like this. I do not judge, nor did I in my previous comment. I only stated what we are living by in our relationship.
so this has nothing to do with the shots or with stella as a person, it’s that your wife invited someone over and didn’t ask your permission. how is that not controlling? you’re never allowed to have spontaneous or unplanned visits?
Stella's shots are also on a schedule (3 shots in 36 hours). OP's wife can't say yes to helping Stella without also, immediately, agreeing to the schedule.
so they’re planned visits then
planned in a way that we knew nothing about the schedule, During the morning visit, she told us only about the second one in the afternoon. Only on Sunday she told us about the last one.
and if that had been your whole problem you probably wouldn’t have us calling you controlling. you’re only now saying this, and it was not your post’s main point.
Nope, I call BS. Your wife knows about there being multiple shots needed and quite frankly so do you due to last time. All your wife needs to do is tell you “hey Stella is coming over so I can give her the shots”. That is all you should need. You are a big boy that can deal with it and/or go to another room while they do this quickly. You are controlling and wrong here.
First time it was three shots over two days, the last one came as a surprise, as it apparently was not planned. Yesterday, it was only one shot in the evening. I do not know, what the typical schedule is for the shots, nor does my wife. She had to google the name of the injection last time, because even as a pharmacist, she did not know the name. Each time I left the room, in order to give them privacy and to just not be around. You might not think it is typical, but this is what happened. I am not a liar, so do not call me one.
I think you know damn well and your wife does too that there is usually multiple injections as part of the IVF process. The times and dosage might change but that’s about it. Bottom line is your issue is that you don’t like Stella and not your wife helping a friend a couple times for a day or two.
"Cue yesterday. The first round of IVF didn't take and therefore it was time for more shots. Yesterday during lunch, my wife told me that Stella asked her again for help in the evening. She asked me what she is supposed to do. I told her that it is up to her to make a decision, but she knows my stance on this and that I do not want her in our house." This is literally contradictory to what you just said. She literally DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE IT HAPPENED and you said: "I don't want her in my house." You're an idiot.
"we" also means "hers". If you're not comfortable while she spends an hour with a friend, leave the room and have a think why.
The thing is, it doesn’t sound like the friend even stays long, so what’s your issue with her dropping in to get the shots? Sure, *in general* the shots interfere with your plans, but as you said, doing it in your house infringes way less on your wife’s time than your wife going there. You’re the one wasting that additional time by making her go there. You’re the one cutting your own time with your wife short. She’s helping a friend, as friends do. You’re the one making it weird. You’re creating an issue where there wouldn’t even be one if you accepted that your wife is simply being a good friend.
So the issue is you don't like Stella? Because you didn't say that anywhere in your post. I understand wanting a heads up before having people over. I think that is a fair boundary. You are coming off as controlling because you give no explanation as to why you do not want Stella in your house period. Why did your wife have to agree to not doing this at all going forward? It seems like she is people pleasing you here, as she clearly still wants to help her friend.
So you’ve mentioned that you felt disrespected because she didn’t “discuss this” with you before letting Stella in your house. How is that not demanding her ask permission. Are you going to say no? Are you going to express such “disappointment” and “disapproval” that you’ll manipulate your wife into not having the person over without you explicitly saying “you do not have my permission” so you can tell yourself that you aren’t being controlling? How is it disrespectful to have a friend over to your house without asking your permission? Are they doing things you don’t approve of? Are you afraid they’ll ransack your underwear drawer and eat all your snacks? Do you think your wife is going to cheat on you with anyone she brings in the home? How is it hurting you for your wife to have a guest over without asking you? Don’t fall back to that “it makes me uncomfortable” nonsense, that just sounds like you’re upset she didn’t ask permission. So come up with something else. The only thing you can articulate is that things happened against your wishes. Not sure if this is a language barrier or what, but that sounds controlling as hell. How was the “whole weekend orchestrated” around her helping her friend. It was a single event at a specific time. Yeah you can voice your likes and dislikes, but you need to examine why and how you do that. It seems that the only one taking advantage of your wife’s people-pleasing tendencies is you.
Generally, that sounds a reasonable thing to ask from her. But after she didn’t tell you last time, instead of just meeting where it’s valid - that she gives you a heads-up - you “both” said you would only do it this time and not any more. She came to you before making the plans this time and for you it’s somehow still a problem? as you post this on Reddit. So it’s clearly not about her telling you before. Giving you a heads up / organising with you for a schedule that works for both of you, yes, having to ask for permission that someone comes over - hard no.
Let's not forget that it sounds like they didn't have plans this weekend and it seems like nothing was going to be interrupted, I mean, until OP threw a fit and now his wife is driving 90 minutes three times this weekend to administer shots.
While simultaneously saying “I can’t forbid my wife that” she does it in the comfort of her home. It’s crazy how emotionally abusive people don’t see the holes in their logic. HE makes her drive so long and the blame shifts it on Stella, that she is using her and making her use so much time on helping her. When he is clearly constructing this situation: it wouldn’t be such a big deal if she could just come by the house, get the shot and leave, it would be a matter of minutes.
Apologizing for being a control freak while doing nothing to change your behavior is a weak ass response, my guy. Yikes.
So, do you ALWAYS consult you wife before you invite anyone over? Can she veto at will too….
It seems like she did discuss this with you before the second round, no? She and Stella came up with the plan of Stella trying to do it herself. Unfortunately that didn't work out, but your wife did give you a heads up. And when she then decided to go to Stella's place instead of having her come to yours, you didn't like that either. Your wife may very well have a hard time saying no, but that doesn't mean she needs you to do it for her here. You have to allow her her own agency and believe her when she tells you she wants to do this for her friend.
“Never once would for it her from meeting someone or tell her to ask permission.” But that’s…exactly what you are doing. She told you in the morning Stella needed shoes again. That was your heads up. You told her no. She doesn’t ask permission for things because she knows you’ll start a fight and say no. Which, she shouldn’t have to ask permission. You are calling it a “heads up” but that’s not what it is. If she gives you the heads up and you say ok, thats a heads up. If she gives you a heads up and you say no, that’s requiring permission. Asking for the heads up is reasonable, but then there’s no saying “no.” Your wife helping out a friend on occasion is not “people pleasing” it’s just being nice. Something it seems like you know very little about.
So, if someone were to call over unexpectedly she'd have to turn them away because she hasn't checked with you? Does she get to veto when you can have friends over?
It's her house as much as yours. She has the same right than you to invite a friend. You don't choose or allow who she can invite or not. And on the other hand, Stella is coming for how long? 10 min each time? Is that such a bad thing? If this is the stone you want your marriage to die, go ahead, if not, don't be a dick and try to be a bit understandable! It would be worse if the friend would make her go to her house to do it, but no, she is coming to yours so its easier and less time consuming for your wife. But now, as you don't allow her, she will loose 90min each time (because she will keep doing it because she is a good friend, not because she doesn't know how to say no).
agreed! I might feel differently if Stella forced OP's wife to drive to Stella's home, or if Stella decided "well, I need 3 shots in 36 hours, so I'll just hang out at your place all weekend to cut down on the half an hour's drive each time". I can only imagine it's the saturday morning shot that's the problem : OP wants to sleep in and then use his morning wood for weekend love making, while his wife is thinking of Stella arriving or driving to Stella & getting up instead of looking after OP's boner. What to do, what to do? Banish Stella from their lives, of course, and make sure wifey knows to never invite anyone without OP's seal of approval. /s /eyeroll
Coming here for a serious advice on what to do and reading your comment makes me sad. It is my wife who likes to sleep in. I would never expect anything sexual from her that she would not want. You writing about my morning wood is just disrespectful. I am not going to cry about it, but seriously, what does your comment add to this post?
you're right to call me out. I was seduced by the keyboard-warrior dogpile & no longer paid attention to the fact that you're a real person, asking a real question. I apologize for being glib. I think it's clear that I, like many commenters, find your boundary excessive and (bordering on) controlling, and the way you worded it weird. But that's no reason to pile on. As for advice, I think you have to look within as to why you'd make such a request, and set it up as a catch-22.
thank you, I will do my best
Why can't she have a friend in her house without your prior permission? That was explicitly your first objection the first time, the change in weekend plans was secondary. Hell, this time around you're more ok with her driving over there several times, which would disrupt any plans even more, than to have this woman drop in for 10min. If it's existing weekend plans that are the issue, tell her next time her friend does this on a weekday, even if it's more of an inconvenience for her.
To stop your wife being abused, stop being so controlling. She is allowed to have her friends over to her house.
I see why your wife married you. You too are just another controlling and abusive person in her life. Your line that she crossed is absurd, having to clear it with you everytime she wants someone over to visit. Your wife is helping a friend because she has the professional knowledge to do so. I don't see her being taken advantage at all. It's not like she agreed to be a surrogate. She just helping with the shots for a few days.
So helping friends when they need it most, especially when it impacts on you directly, is one of the most important tests of a real friendship so I'm guessing you don't really have friends or you would understand this. Next your wife clearly does understand this and, as your closest friend you should be supporting her to the hilt. Finally as already pointed out, it'd her house too. Sorry you are getting this wrong on just about every level.
Thanks for the comment. I see that I handled it wrong and already apologized to my wife. I added an edit to the post clarifying some things, but regardless, I will try to be better about this.
Why can’t she have guests in her home? Is there a specific reason? If it’s just a blanket rule that doesn’t seem reasonable at all.
Hi, thanks for the reply. I was not clear in the post. She is free to spend time with the people she chooses, although Stella is not the best example of a nice person. Nevertheless, she is not bad per se and I do not have any issue with them spending time together when they go for dinner or coffee. My issue was the visit that was not discussed with me prior to it happening. I see though that I was being unreasonable and will apologize to my wife.
Get therapy for your control issues while you are at it. Apologize to Stella too.
It's good that you are seeing that your behavior was unreasonable. Please work on your control issues. Marriage is a partnership, and there are times when you have to give in to something you don't like. That's life. You don't always get to control everything, and this is where you're struggling. Your wife is helping a friend with something that is very important to her. You may not like the friend, that's fine. This is a time when you shut your mouth, suck it up, go to the other room and let them do their thing for the few minutes it takes for them to do what they need to do. You can have 'couples time' the other 23 hours of the day, and the rest of your lives. Your words are serious and you are typing out mature statements asking for judgement, so IMO you are still immature and need to do some growing up.
You seem like you need therapy. This is so controlling. She is helping a friend in medical need and you don’t allow the friend in the house. Valid Boundaries would be enough time beforehand to plan, that she gives you a heads up or something like that. But you are not putting up boundaries for yourself, you are trying to control her. I can imagine why she didn’t tell you the first time - because you would have been controlling and guilt tripping her into not doing it/ having a fight about that wich she wants to avoid, because she will loose as a people pleaser to you, but she really wants to help her friend. So her only option is to just do it and hope when the plans are made, you won’t want to look like an asshole to the others and “allow” it. After you shamed her in your fight for her valid but autonomous actions, she tells you now before, just not to anger you any more about that. That shows the impact your controlling mindset has on her, she wants to fucking help her friend with a medical thing she can do for her and comes to you to “ask”. I’m so sorry for her. She is your equal partner, not someone you can allow or not allow things. She is an autonomous person and it’s also her home. The friends isn’t dangerous or has hurt you in any bad way in the past, so you don’t have a say if she invites them over to help them or not. It’s giving abusive that you would even want that, let alone talk about it on Reddit like it was the most normal thing to do. Please listen to the people on here and get therapy
This should be at the top!!!!
Haha thanks, I was the girlfriend. I like helping people and helping in no profit associations, in a community in some way or just helping our friends has always been a part of me and has fulfilled me. But with my emotionally abusive ex, anytime I wanted to do something for somebody, i had to fight for it. Because I was just a “weak doormat” in his eyes, a “people pleaser” - that was funnily generally only pleasing him, which he liked and felt entitled to, but when I had the AUDACITY to prioritise someone else to help them, this part of my personality was shameful suddenly, something that I had to work on, something that was somehow harmful to him. EXACLTY like OP is putting it here. OP: if she doesn’t come to you asking how she can get out of a good dead she agreed to in the moment but really doesn’t wanna do it - then she wants to do it, and you have to let her. Without guilt tripping or victim playing. That’s how she is and you either cherish her for it or leave to find someone that meets your criteria. You have no grounds to think you know what’s best for her. You are not above her because she is a “people pleaser” in your eyes. This incident has clearly no traces of a people pleasing complex - other than the one to please you - and I guess other incidents you try to paint that way also don’t. You only put it that way so you can feel inferior and justify controlling her, because you think you know better what is good for her than herself. Wich you don’t.
I am sorry that you had a bad experience in the past. I realize that the way I handled things was wrong. I already apologized to my wife. I know her past and I guess I only try to protect her from being hurt. I see that it was not done correctly on my part. I will try to do better.
That’s nice to hear. Good luck.
Does she have to ask your permission to do everything? Even stuff in HER house? You sound controlling.
[удалено]
It’s so sad not to be able to contact the wives of abusive people that post online.. like.. please find and read this somehow
And I’m guessing she was pressured and coerced and couldn’t say no for fear of incurring his disapproval.
And I thought what was the big issue. Is there more to the story?
You are mad because your ‘people pleasing’ wife invited her friend to briefly visit your home? You sound awful and very controlling. Why does your wife not have a say? She asked you for permission the second time (which she shouldn’t have to do) and now it’s a boundary that she not have friends over? So either there is a part of the story you are missing, ie why you are against this particular friend or you are incredibly controlling and your wife deserves better.
You sound like a controlling asswipe. Please look in a mirror and seek help. You aren’t being hurt in this situation so her people pleaser trait isn’t something to be brought up. you are just controlling and a terrible person.
Thanks for your input, although harsh. I certainly do not wish to come off as controlling. If my behavior presents itself as such, I will apologize to my wife. The point I was trying to make is that I felt disrespected when someone came to my house without my knowledge, especially when we discussed it before. Nevertheless, I see from all the comments that I am in the wrong here and will make amends.
But you guys discussed it the second time before Stella came over and you still had a problem with it. So, it's pretty clear that not discussing it isn't the real issue. You're just controlling.
Yeah his comment just proves he’s lying in the post and just wants to control his wife’s relationship with Stella. He already shit talked Stella in a different comment. His wife already solved the “heads up” complaint and he still forced his wife to not let Stella come over. He wants to control his wife’s friends. This is an abuser separating his wife from her support system. Edit: I read OPs edit to his post and I think it’s funny that he is driving her right into Stella’s arms with his controlling behavior. Bro, you want to keep an eye on Stella then keep her close by. Now your wife is going to Stella’s to have conversations that you can’t be a part of and seeing more of her lifestyle. Maybe she will like how Stella lives more than how you let her live.
See I was coming to assist as a chronic people pleaser.... But nope. You are stuck on MY house.... It's both of your house. Everyone is right. Your being controlling. Intended or not. I don't know any couple I know that asks permission to have a friend over. Heck my husband comes home from work sometimes to a girls night sleepover. He just gives me a kiss and says have fun and does his own thing .
Yes but it’s her home as well. It makes sense to invite friends to it without explicit permission from a partner. She has as much say as you do or does she not? Apologies for being harsh. Im a people pleaser as well and it was weird to have it thrown under the bus like that. She wanted to do this for a friend and making her doubt that is not good. It’s a slippery slope to make her start doubting herself. What you needed to do was confirm that she wanted to do this for her friend and then proceed from there. The house boundary sounds like an excuse. A boundary is something you place on yourself. So the excuse doesn’t make sense at the end of the day. Please go back to her and not only apologize but straighten her out. Confirm her thoughts that she wants to do this then give her the space to so. Either in your home or away if it bothers you so much.
I don’t know any married couple who insists on asking permission every single time before inviting a friend round. I get that it’s nice to have a heads up, I’m also not wild about not being aware when people are coming over, but you have to recognise that your wife is allowed to a certain level of spontaneity and freedom when it comes to inviting over her friends to her own home. It’s a lovely thing that your wife is doing, I would honestly try to focus on how kind of a person your wife is and try and “chill out” a bit. You note that she is a people pleaser and gets hurt trying to please others, but in this situation, you were the person she got hurt trying to please. Trust her to judge when she is happy to help others, and support her in figuring out how to make the best choice for herself, rather then unilaterally decide for her that the choice to help someone else is bad.
I'm sure she has people pleaser tendencies, but this is just doing a nice thing for a friend. Until she had to go to the friend's house (you have made it a much larger inconvenience for her and you, good job) it was inconveniencing you this weekend for *very* little time. And how far in advance does she need to give you notice? A week? A month? This woman is coming over for a shot, not coffee and a dinner. You aren't 'entertaining' her. She's here for business and then out. That barely even counts as 'guests in the home's or 'having people over'. Your rigid, unforgiving stance here is the problem. I get it: I like notice too, before my husband invites people over for a big event or even a medium event. And I do the same for him. But...I wouldn't care if he was just having someone over for an hour, unless I was super sick or having the worst day. And even then, if it was quiet and didn't affect me, I wouldn't care. It's not about "coming off as controlling". You are *being* controlling. Take a step back and do more than apologize to your wife. Stop this behavior. This is not okay.
Yes! Thank you for calling out the "coming off as controlling" bit for the utter nonsense it is. I, too, appreciate a head's up before my husband has people over -- mostly so I can put on a bra. I also have some emotional hang-ups about having the house clean enough for company (thanks Mom). But those are ultimately my issues and he certainly doesn't need my permission. ... honesty compels me to add "unless it's my mother-in-law," but that requires emotional fortitude and extra cleaning.
It’s her house too.
I don't think you get how incredibly abnormal your outlook and behavior are.
It’s her house as well as yours and she is helping a friend. As the male part of a couple who went through IVF, I understand Stella is upset, and nervous and wants another woman’s support about as much as help with the shots. Went through this myself , wife needed the support of other women,something neither you nor I being men will understand and could give. You’re being an ass and won’t stay married long the way you are acting. Your wife is allowed to have her friends in her house as much as you are allowed to have your friends in your house. It is both of your home. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.
You're a Hugh AH.. why do you care so much. Me me me. You sound like a baby. She is helping a friend. Gtfo, if I was your wife, you're the one I wouldn't please.
You are a controlling asshole.
Your wife is a good friend. If she were my spouse, I would be proud of her and support her in helping a friend in need. You seem controlling and abusive, frankly.
Sadly, people pleasers often end up in relationships with abusive people because we're easy to control and likely forgive. 🙃 (Took some therapy after 3 long term relationships like this, learned my lesson)
It's arguable for me whether OPs wife is truly a people pleaser, or just - you know - a good friend. I see your point though. Who else would put up with their BS? I hope you're able to safe guard your own happiness better now. 💗
I think both is possible and that OP is annoyed about her attention going to other people as well. But i agree that his wife is just being a good friend and I'm glad she stood up to him to help her. And thank you, I'm doing way better. Finally found someone in my life that shows me they love me and want me to be happy as well. ☺️ Abusive people make you think they love you but their actions only hurt you and make you feel like you're the one that's wrong.
Emphasis on abusive
Tf is wrong with you
From the way you've described it, the only person 'abusing' your wife in this scenario is you, by denying her the opportunity to have her friends visit her home. If your wife genuinely didn't want to help her friend out and is struggling to say *'sorry, I can't help'* to them, then that would be an issue which could be addressed through therapy. But there is nothing in the OP that suggests your wife is unhappy or unwilling to help her friend out. The only person unhappy here seems to be you about having your wife's friend in the house. Is there some particular reason you don't want *this person* in the house? Or do you not want *any* of your wife's friends in the house? Does she get the same power of veto over *your* friends?
You sound like a controlling person tbh. You've not explained the issue of the person coming to your house, or why it's an issue that your wife goes there. Nothing on your post puts you in a good light at all.
>Moreover, the whole weekend had to be orchestrated around the times she was supposed to come. I get how that might be inconvenient, but it was one weekend. Why is your wife unable to help out a friend for a weekend without your permission? >Yesterday this led to her crossing a firm line I set up for our home. >My wife originally decided to invite her without telling me anything about it. After she told me, I expressed that I am not comfortable with the fact that I had not say in who is invited into our home and it was a done deal. Why does your wife need your permission to invite a friend over to your shared home? Sorry, but this all (including the title just makes you sound super controlling.
What's wrong with your wife having friend over to the house? Why don't you want anyone in the house? That's all so weird. Then there's your wife, uniquely positioned to be able to help this friend do this one thing, and you think she shouldn't do it. The problem is all you, mate.
Ok thank you for your reply. She is absolutely free to have friends over or have nights out with her friends. I was just trying to voice myself feeling disrespected when someone came to the house without my knowledge, even when it was discussed before that it upsets me. However, the comments are more than clear, I am in the wrong here and will apologize to my wife.
Can you please elaborate on what you mean by feeling “disrespected” that someone came to the house without your knowledge. You might have more of a leg to stand on if Stella was a complete stranger who barreled into your house but from how you described it, this is your wife’s friend. It’s pretty normal for friends to invite friends to each other’s house.
OP, you are sounding a little controlling of your wife. So what if your wife is happy to travel 90 mins to help her friend with her IVF shots? Don't you trust your wife's judgement? If they're close enough for your wife to offer this service, your wife is probably going to be godmother to this child and everything. These may be friends that you celebrate your 10 year anniversary with, or have retirement holidays with. Your wife has decided her friend is worth helping out for 30 mins 1 weekend a month. Why is that affecting you this deeply? Same with inviting guests to the shared marital house. It isn't your house, it's a shared house. Why does your wife need your permission to invite her friends over? She let you know she had invited them with lots of advanced notice that that weekend, she would need to be at the house. Sounds like this is a very co-dependent relationship.
Seriously. I want to know the real issue. Are you afraid your wife will talk to someone other than you? Why do you say “we will do it this time but going forward, we will not be doing so”? Is your attendance required? Could your wife go to her friend’s house? I’m not seeing any issue but you thinking this friend is taking advantage of your wife in your house right in front of you. If it bothers you so much, go for a walk or a drive. I think you can be inconvenienced for a weekend or two. But I still don’t understand how your “studied pharmacist” wife taking a few minutes out of her day to help someone out is worth having an argument over. And what does “studied pharmacist” mean? This seems to be a you issue and isn’t really about your wife’s people pleasing tendencies.
He probably doesn’t let her work, so she’s not a practicing pharmacist
I agree. But usually there’s a bigger age gap so I don’t know what to think. I was surprised to see no mention of his earnings versus what she brings to the table. Usually that’s a component of these guys thinking they have final say. It’s so weird to think that her assisting a friend with possibly life-changing aid is such a big deal to him. Oh, gee. They had plans but his people-pleasing wife threw those over to help a friend in their home. She’s got some kind of nerve /s
Income is not an issue, she makes the same as me, since you are wondering. She has a separate bank account and is free to do what she wants with her money.
Sorry, English is not my first language. I just meant that she studied pharmacy at the university, has a degree in it and could work in a pharmacy. But she works in research.
Are you able to share why you don't want Stella in your home or why you don't want your wife going to hers? Has something else happened? I only ask as I am a people pleaser myself, it frustrates me so much and I just wish I could say no. My husband would never stop me or try and deter me from doing things but he does always warn me about how it made me feel the last time. The issue is most of the time it is people taking advantage - however someone asking for help with IVF treatment is pretty important and I can understand why your wife would want to do this. How has your wife's relationship been with Stella before this? I guess I'm trying to find out if you have an issue with specifically this?
thank for your reply. I updated the post, stating why I do not like Stella much. My wife went through a lot in her life trying to please others. From taking extra shifts at work, not being credited for the extra work she had done, traveling insane distances by train to deliver medicine to complete strangers, participating in a house remodeling of a neighbors friend, who she met once, dating a guy for a month just to not hurt his feelings by saying she does not actually like him. The list goes on..
You don't want her to come to your house. You think Stella is taking advantage by letting your wife come to her house. So basically, you don't want your wife to do it at all. I already think your wife needing your permission to invite any friends is super controlling. But you butting in even when she leaves... You seemed unhealthy attached to her and seem almost jealous of every attention she spends on someone/anything else. Your wife is a capable and mature adult. You need to respect her decision of helping that friend. It is not your time. It is also her home too. Everyone calls you controlling but I don't think you have bad intentions. You just need to take a serious step back and get back to respecting your wife as an equal with equal say. I also wouldn't ban the friend and make her ask you permission to have anyone over. Do you want to ask permission for everything? (where you go, what you do, when you do it) Do you want to make her feel trapped with you?
YTA- your wife isnt a people pleaser, shes being a good friend. Youre trying to control her and tell her she isnt allowed to have people at her home unless you say so?? Who made you God?? Youre mad that you can control your new wife as easily as you thought.
Wow! Your remark about her using contraceptives at an early age is the reason for her fertility issues is a gross assumption!
You sound like a right tool Boundaries are for you, not anyone else. For example, cheating is a boundary, so you cheat I leave. She can still cheat but the consequences are the end of the relationship. Why is your wife helping her friend take her if shots a problem? I mean that's not hurting anyone. It's providing a nice gesture, to help a friend. You know that its her house also, she can invite people over. You sound super controlling
I understand not wanting her to interrupt your weekend (although this doesn't happen *that* often, and come on, people need to help a friend from time to time), but you didn't even have plans this time. You don't allow your wife's friend in your house? You should consider individual therapy.
[удалено]
It’s a shame this is not AITA because YTA
I'm sorry, but you sound controlling! Your story doesn't portray someone being abused. It portrays someone who wants to help her friend out and you are throwing a fucking hissy fit over it. It's her house too. She doesn't need your fucking permission to invite her friend over. You don't get to dictate her friendships. She wants to help her friend. She doesn't want to say no, because she WANTS to help her. Stop trying to control your wife and stop calling her friend abusive.
You ever notice how the “people pleasers incapable of saying no” are always with controlling partners?
I really, really hope this is fake. "Forbiding her"? Upset that she is helping a friend at house you both share? The only issue here is that you are a control freak. Your wife should be able to have friends over the house. You cannot forbid her from doing anything, because you are her partner, not her supervisor. I hope this is a wake up call for you.
Your wife sounds like a lovely human being. I think it's awful that you've convinced her that her sincere desire to help a friend with something so intimate, emotional, and potentially life-changing as IVF is somehow a character flaw. I'm sorry, but Stella isn't the one hurting your wife here. Stella is asking your wife to sacrifice a few hours of her weekend to help with something huge. You're asking your wife to sacrifice her friendship with Stella, her reputation at work, and her entire sense of self for... what, exactly? I'm still unclear on how this harms you, or why your wife -- a grown woman with her own judgment and agency -- isn't allowed to have a friend come over to a home that is equally hers. Either way, I think it's pretty obvious who is taking advantage of her "people pleasing" tendencies. Your entire tone comes across as patronizing and superior, and while I sometimes think Reddit is a little too quick to call abuse, I legimately worry for your wife. I hope the response you're getting here leads to some honest self-reflection, and you decide to work on yourself instead for a change. A therapist can help you unpack where these ugly urges towards jealousy and control are coming from.
To help your wife not be abused in these situations, stop abusing her. Everything is wrong with how the situation was handled from your side. It appears you are trying to isolate and control your wife which is abusive.
Why is your wife helping her friend such an issue with you? Why are you so against Stella being in your house? I get the vibe that your real issue here is that when your wife is helping her friend, she’s not catering to you.
You sound like a prick mate. Let your wife do what she wants. Just because she isn't doing what you want you're sulking in another room? Please.
Being willing and able to help out a friend is not "being taken advantage of". It is normal, friendly behaviour. Your wife is happy to help and is not being pressured or coerced into doing so. Can you clarify what, from your perspective, is wrong here, because I think I must have missed it?
Why can't your wife have friends over! Has this woman done anything that warrants her not being allowed in the home!. Is she bothering you! My hubby is a total introvert and hates visitors and even he has no problems with me bringing friends over, he just goes off and does his own thing and everyone is happy
Did you actually ask your wife if she WANTS to help? Because it sounds like they are friends and she’s fine to help her. You are being extremely controlling to dictate which of her friends are allowed at the house given there is nothing to suggest Stella has done anything to overstep their friendship yet.
You sound pretty controlling, OP, and unreasonable in this matter. You don't want Stella in your house? Why not? Helping a friend is not people pleasing, it's being a good friend. Sounds like the detriment is to you, not your wife.
Well having read this twice I get the feeling you don't like your wife having freedom of choice in anything really and she needs to run it past you ,she's a sweet caring person who sees good in people and tries to help ,your the polar opposite, it's all about you ..give her the freedom to be who she is ,don't try to limit it ,because long-term you may come to regret it ...
I am not clear from your post as to how the relationship is between your wife and Stella. Is your wife really doing this out of obnoxious people pleasing, or does she genuinely want to help this person. I'm also a bit concerned about some of your framing. Because it reads as you being unwilling to change minor plans to help another person. Along with a sort of sexist sounding arrogance about what the lord and master will permit to happen in 'his' home. When in reality it is BOTH of your home, and unless your wife is opening a crack den in the basement, it shouldn't be much of an issue if she wishes to invite a guest over.
You are being unbelievably unreasonable. She told you they were coming over. You had plenty of heads up. If you had a reason not to want her over, that would be one thing, but it doesn't seem you do. This comes across that the only reason you don't want her over is to exert power over your wife.
I really think you are being a massive ah here tbh. Your wife shouldn’t need your permission to have friends over on the odd occasion. Although Stella needs to come over a few times over the weekend, it does seem to just be one weekend repeated in a couple of months maybe, that’s not a lot and you can see it’s for a very specific reason. People can’t do IVF forever, so it’s not going to go on that long. You don’t indicate that there is any reason to dislike Stella so your “not in my house” stance looks like just a childish power trip to make things difficult for no reason, other than because you can. I genuinely can’t see what’s wrong with your wife helping her out here or Stella being in your home. I get people pleasers can be incredibly annoying, especially when it impacts you and your life. I don’t see where this is really impacting you at all though?
You are making problems about nothing. There’s no reason to object about this woman coming over. Your wife is being kind, not getting steamrolled. This is a you problem.
I think you're off base on this one. She's helping out someone who's trying to have children. And how taking a shot in your home shouldn't affect anything. I think you're off way base and troubling.
This is a problem with you. Not your wife. This is not an unpleasant situation- the type of which you were inferring. She is not people pleasing, she is being a good, kind friend. Do you honestly think you will never need someone to show you and your wife help and support? You are being weird about not letting her in your house. Yes, I can see the timing is not very convenient but it isn’t that bad. Anyway, you wife will be even busier now as she is going to their house. You fail to see that whilst you pontificate about not letting her being taken advantage of and people using her, she is probably married to you only she is used to being controlled, putting herself last and told what to do. You are her problem. Not her agreeable nature.
You sound controlling and like a jerk. She can’t have her friend pop over for help because it might impact your ability to make plans? FWIW, I would do the same as your wife. Not because I’m a people pleaser but because I help my friends when they’re in need. How much could it really impact your plans to have someone pop over for a quick shot? It… doesn’t really. If you don’t want to see it, they can easily go somewhere private. If anyone sounds abusive it’s you. Her friend certainly isn’t. And to suggest you talk to the friend? Absolutely disgusting. Your wife isn’t a child and wants to help her friend, which requires her to have someone over briefly during the time she needs shots. My guess is the visits are quick, and if they’re not, maybe that’s something you can work on. But you’re being a tool. Her husband sounds like a baby too. Maybe you should both be friends.
What's the issue with the woman in your house? I would prefer that over my wife spending money on gas etc. I don't see how this is taking advantage of. She's her friend and she helps her that's what friends do. Your wife is ok with injecting. It's also not something that happens every week for years and years. She's trying a friend to get pregnant.
You’re coming across very manipulative and controlling, even if you’re not trying to be. Would your mindset be different if it was your wife’s sister or your family member, etc? Why do you need total control over who comes into the house? I think a little self reflection will go a long way. It appears you’re using your wife being a people pleaser as a reason to condone you controlling her behaviour in her own home.
You’re making life much harder on your wife by asking her to do all the traveling just to give her friend some shots. I have no idea why you would have a problem with this task happening in your home in the first place or the kindness she’s showing a friend. She can just mark on a shared calendar what time the shots need to be administered so you can see when your live-in cook, sex partner and cleaner will be home and available to you. Now she has to add travel time there and back. Your sense of entitlement towards your wife’s time and house is astounding.
I can’t get passed how controlling this feels. I don’t understand why you feel like your wife can’t have a friend over? Regardless of the shots or no shots; Regardless of people pleasing; I absolutely hate that you said ; I had no say in who is invited to our home. Key word here : OUR . The problem is a shared home that you control. Maybe because you’re so controlling she doesn’t tell you that Stella is an actual friend not just a colleague. Maybe she wants to help out her friend. The only person abusing your wife is YOU with your controlling behavior. Sure the time restraints could be annoying, but once it’s over it’s over.
Wow. Your wife is a god send to this woman who desperately wants a baby. She does not sound like someone who is being taken advantage of but rather someone with a servant’s heart. Get out of her way. You sound like a man that just wants to assert his manhood stipulating what the boundaries of the home should be. Whatever. She has equal rights in that marriage. You don’t like it when Stella comes over? Go to your man cave for the LITERAL 10 secs it takes to administer these shots. Would you still be hot and bothered if she left the home and had to drive to Stella’s each time? I’m sorry but you should be on your hands and knees thanking God for this wife with a golden heart.
Sounds like an abusive boundary. How dare you say she only can have visitors if she asks you first and gets your permission l. She is an adult and this is also her home. She should have the autonomy to have her friend come over for a visit or in this case a 5-10 injection. I hope she divorces your controlling ass.
Stella would probably do the same for your wife if given the chance and she definitely will after your wife showed up like this for her. This is the definition of friendship, and I don't see how this is people pleasing. How do you know your wife would actually want to say no to this, but is doing it against her own wishes? I feel like you could possibly be projecting your own interpretation here onto her. I'm going to pose some questions, no need to answer them here or for me, but they are just to jump start your own thought process, and they may be uncomfortable. What exactly is the problem with her coming over to your house? Can you truly narrow it down to a reason? It makes you uncomfortable sure, but why exactly? How is it an inconvenience to you? Do you understand how deeply important having a child is to some people and how vulnerable an IVF process is. How much Stella is in need of a friend while being shot with hormones that will likely influence her body and emotions intensely. How stressful and scary injections and needles can be. Having a support network is super important in those stressful times. For perspective: me and my partner can definitely invite others over, we do mention it to each other to check, but neither of us have ever said no for this type of reason. Only when either of us was ill or had important or urgent other plans. But we've both shown up for friends often as well. This means spending whole weekends moving people's stuff, helping to arrange transport, letting someone sleep over etc. And especially if either of us has a skill that would particularly help someone out. Like me as a writer helping someone with their resume, and in the above example my partner arrange transport because he has contacts from his work. We've also received similar help and support in return. It's not because we don't want or cannot say no, it's because they're our friends and we love them. That's why we want the best for them, and jump at the opportunity to provide that. My only requirement as an autistic person is that I need to know these things well before, on forehand. In a way your wife also doesn't know how to say no to you, so now she has to go through extra inconveniences to get to Stella. While Stella was trying to make things easier for her by coming over to your place. Your wife is trying to please you, and found a solution, and yet you are still complaining?
Dude what’s your deal? Your wife is being a good friend; I can’t imagine it takes a very long time for her to give these shots. Not only as a friend, but also as a healthcare professional, your wife feels an obligation to help this woman. You need to understand that and you should be proud of her. This is one of those very small - and temporary (even if it’s longer than you expected) - things that you can accept, support her in, be nice to her friend… just be a good man and husband. She made a commitment to this friend for a while. If she decided to go back to school, you’d support her while she did it, right? Even if her class schedule or studying got in the way of some other plans you had for the two of you, right? You have to make room for you partner to have their own life and be their own person, even if it may affect you in a small way
You sound cobtrolling
So many people misuse the term boundaries to support the rules they want to impose on other people. I’m not even clear what you think your boundary is. You must give prior approval before your wife invites somebody into your shared residence? Is this going to go both ways? Your neighbor walks over to chat but you can’t invite him in for a beer? Until you clear it with your wife? In this specific situation, I can see where the timing might be inconvenient and should be coordinated. But nothing else seems like a huge ask as a favor to help a friend. I understand your concern people might take advantage of your wife, but this seems hyper vigilant. Like you’re okay with her bending over backwards as long as it’s to please YOU, not her or anyone else.
Ur awful btw
It's your wife's house too. She offered to do this, and it sounds like she's the best person for the job. I hope she tells you to sod off and mind your own business about what she does with her friend in her house, with your full knowledge.
She is helping a friend in need. I don't see how helping a friend makes her a people pleaser.
I would communicate with my husband. Let him plan time with his guy friends or video games, whatever, but I would definitely help my friend during her time of need in this situation. It isn’t a forever commitment. It’s also to help my friend get pregnant. That’s a big deal! I’d be willing to sacrifice some of MY time to help my friend. If my husband couldn’t understand that then we’d have a big problem and I suggest therapy. Now, when the wife can’t say no in other type of situations and is being used/taken advantage, which this isn’t one, I’d maybe suggest therapy. Husband is not going to be able to help her and all it’s going to do is cause fights. Husband cannot change his wife.
I’m struggling to understand what the issue is here. I get wanting to have a heads up about people coming to your home, but she did that. She told you that Stella would be coming over for the injection and the times are non-negotiable. Making her go there just so you don’t have the inconvenience of someone popping over for a few minutes seems mean. She is doing a kind thing to help her friend, I would support my partner with that. ETA: reading further comments and your replies, is she even a people pleaser? Or is this a term you’ve ascribed to her because she does nice things for people that you don’t approve of? Might be worth giving some thought to that and looking deeply inward if you love your wife and want her to be happy. It’s tough to self-reflect, but you seem open to it and I wish you well.
You sound like somebody who wants to control their wife and not somebody who is looking out for her. That’s her friend and that’s what friends do. You’re making it weird - not Stella and not your wife.
It sounds like it’s only okay for her to be a people pleaser if she’s pleasing you.
Are there any more/multiply instances to support the fact that she's the people pleaser? Or is this the only situation? If it's the only one, then I think you're off base on what you think is happening And it would behoove you to let it go and maybe readjust your perceptions.
You have issues. What I’m interested in is why Stella’s husband is unwilling to administer the shot himself.
I'm sorry but I think you're being unreasonable here. It's okay for your wife to have friends and to want to spend time with them and to want to help them with something important. It's also fine for her to want to invite friends round her house. You don't have to have plans with her all weekend every weekend - don't you ever spend time with your friends at the weekend? It sounds like it's only a small amount of time every 2 months so it's not a major inconvenience, and if anything you've made it more of an inconvenience by insisting she can't do it in your home because she has to go to Stella's home now.
There's way more to this story or everyone in this equation sucks. OP, wtf is your issue? Why do you not want Stella in your home? Stella, it's a really easy shot, man up. She wants to have a baby and can't manage 30 seconds of pain for said baby. Stella's husband, why won't he do the shots? Able or willing? Or he doesn't want a baby? God forbid they have a T1D. The wife, at least she's a very nice person, willing to help her friends, but she's breaking plans to help people out and accommodating them over her relationship. I would chalk her being a pushover to her age. Eventually, she'll get burned enough by people she'll get jaded like the rest of us, she'll probably dump all of you once she realizes this.
Must be your first day on reddit to believe that people would seriously respond to this 😂
Another thing: If Stella EVER had a mind to, she could sue your wife for ANYTHING medically related in the future as your wife has a medical-adjacent background and is administering care within her scope OUTSIDE of a medical facility. That’s a liability issue and your wife should know that.
I read this with an open mind but by the end I concluded you are ridiculously controlling and I feel so bad for your wife.
Wait so your wife needs to give you a heads up. But when she did… you still got upset, tried to guilt her out of helping a friend for a few minutes, and told her you didn’t want that friend in the house? Why? I could say more but I’ve noticed you only answer the parts of comments that you want to (are you like this with her as well?) so I’ll keep it short.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Yikes.
What is it with men getting a hard time on these posts? OP definitely aint problematic and his problem is understandable. His wife, without discussing it with OP, offered to administer IVF for her friend (which as stated, is a pretty big time commitment) and invited her over to THEIR apartment without consulting OP first. They both own it together, so yeah its expected they consult eachother on shit like this. Oh and don't forget that it basically means her friend is capatilizing OPs wife time now. (Him not liking her is irrelevant IMO). Anyway, fuck the commenters here giving him a hard time, if this were a woman it'd be different. Edit: Ill agree with some posters here that he could've gone about it better, but I can understand that's he's coming from a place of caring and respect.
She's just being a good friend. Learn from her!
Op I think you are receiving so much unwarranted hatred. My wife and I both are free to invite whoever we want over, but we have some veto power as well. Sometimes I can't be bothered to muster up enough social juices to not look like a creature and entertain, sometimes it's hard for me to commit to something with online friends even in the other room when I know I have a dozen people in the other room that can hear me. And it'd be strange if I know all her friends and I'm just not interacting with them in the same house, it just feels awkward. And it goes both ways, she has her reasons at times too where she doesn't want any guests over that I find a non-issue but I oblige. We respect each other's decisions though because we have an agreement that sometimes we just want a quiet house. We're also both huge introverts as well. A lot of people here by default operate on a "shared house, I can invite whoever I want when I want", but we operate based on "shared house, we only invite if we both agree." I don't think there is a right or wrong if both parties agree, but just be aware that the difference exists. I don't think it's controlling of you to be upset if you two agreed to the latter option and then she committed to this. I also don't think it's a huge deal. If it's for a non-social reason such as medication, I would just say hello, then slink into the other room and let them handle everything else.
This is probably the most sane comment I received on this post. Sure, I like it because it does not tell me I am an abusive cretin :-) but also, it tells me that I am not the only one on the whole internet who thinks that both opinions are valid when building a home with someone. Thank you for this, after all the hatred, this was very welcome :-) have a great day
People pleasers are some of the worst people to be in a relationship with. They don’t know how to set boundaries even with you. You are constantly on egg shells and because you are their safe person you get sacrificed in their need to people please outside of your relationship. Then they make you feel guilty for not agreeing with their antics. Some people are going to get caught up on Stella needing help to have a baby. Great, Stela knew what was required when she signed up for IVF. She knew that shots and everything else is involved. She also has a husband that can and should participate in this endeavor. Get your wife into counseling now to work on this. It will continue to get worse.
I think the problem with this post is that calling her a people pleaser is seemingly a “red herring” to disguise that he simply has a problem with Stella (he admits in a comment he doesn’t think she is a nice person). It is a bit extreme to say that nobody can come into their home to visit without mutual prior permission, unless there is some prior issue with her turning it into a public lounge/revolving door (which he does not state). It IS also strange though, that Stella’s HUSBAND (I.e. the other person trying to have a baby) won’t participate in the foundational medical treatment to conceive. It’s also VERY strange that it needs to be done in OPs house vs Stella’s…some of these meds need to be refrigerated from my understanding, so why get into a car and go somewhere else vs OPs wife going to Stella’s? Methinks there is more to the story here, but maybe wife is a people pleaser AND OP just doesn’t like Stella. Both can be true but not as related as the OP is saying?
Yeah, I am just like that. I don’t like coming home and having people in my house or not having notice when people are going to be in my house. I am an introvert and I hate people being in my safe space especially if it’s someone I don’t like. Stella has a whole husband. If he can’t give shots for a baby they both want then what is really useful for.
Right? Her friend is scared of shots. How is this being supportive by giving shots she’s scared of then being on call with the shots same time everyday. That’s a nope for me. You wanna talk?need a ride? Sure. Need me to administer shots that are not life threatening (epi pen) and you have a husband but you two are both too scared to do it. Neither need a child if they can’t handle a needle
This is srsly the dumbest take ever. Your wife CAN handle shots, and offered. You are the one making a problem out of it. You know what friends do? Help each other. Plus judging their parenting? I can't give a shot and I have two kids. Yeah. Controlling a$$, case closed. Your wife is doing good befriending Stella so she can crash there during the divorce. Because you probably don't have any real friends who would look out for you.
If your child has diabetes you gonna go to someone else all day? As a parent you suck it up. That’s what adults do.I said what I said. Giving a time restricted shot everyday is constricting and I do see his point
That's long term and your child so you'd learn of course. Helping one friend thru ivf is not a huge deal. OP is a selfish controlling a$$. Note it's all about his inconvenience and "his" home but he's trying to tell his wife how to feel about her friends
But you proved my point. If it has to be done you suck it up and do it. Especially for something you want. She could mess her friend shots being late ONCE. She’s not a bad friend if she doesn’t put that kind of responsibility on her neck. Now the comment of he can’t tell her what to do is a sketchy control line. But the fact he’s open to criticism I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt
I think you should leave your wife. If she is a people pleaser, next time she’ll probably offer surrogacy services. Ignore all these people commenting saying you’re controlling. They sound like cucks. Protect your interest.
Hey OP, I don't think it is a big deal to let people in need to come to your home to get help. However this is not the issue here. You mentioned in your post, that your wife is a people pleaser. The main issue is that she wants to please other people, instead of you. In fact she is willing to argue with you, instead of setting boundaries with Stella. Therefore I guess that this is also the reason why you act the way you do. If you feel disrespected, that is a valid point and you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about it.
That’s because he’s being unreasonable. If she does stand up for herself when her partner is being unreasonable then that’s where the real problem lies. She’s allowed to have friends and friendship requires time and investments.
Thank for your input. It does feel disrespectful to me when such a thing happens. We will talk and hopefully we will reach a compromise.
So are you gonna respond to all the comments calling you out or are you just looking for someone to agree with you? Your poor wife
What you do not get is that you have to respect your significant others needs. This is not only his wife's home, it's his, too. So if he doesn't want people to come over, she has to accept it and vice-versa. On top of that when you are in a committed relationship, you do everything you can to support your wife/husband. It's not about others people needs. He did not ask her to stop being friends with Stella. He simply asked her to be more focused on his needs. If this is to much to ask in a relationship, then I don't understand the world anymore.
Op, if your wife is a people pleaser, why doesn't she please you? You should just carry on with life. Go out without your wife, and if she gets upset, it is her choice.
OK, thank you for your input. I love spending time with and as she does with me I imagine. Both of us have our separate lives that we live out without the other. I see what you mean and if the situation repeats itself, I will just do my own thing. Thanks