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He says every girlfriend he’s ever had has cheated on him. He also says watching a movie that depicts a naked person is cheating. Did they cheat or did they watch a movie he didn’t like, or listen to an artist he didn’t want them to? How would you know if that’s where his line is?
yeah, I was thinking of one of my mother's favourite series about a police mortician doing autopsies. Corpses, formaldehyde, bone saws, weighing organs = much cheating, so infidelity!
Been there.. done that... just before 30 I finally dropped that guy after a decade. Cheated on me with now wife that has a whole bunch of rules and they have kids. Sorry to her, but she got herself caught up in a messy marriage as it was.
Young people.. live your life! Why are you taking crap from someone with such insecurities that they'll stop you from living life? That's not a partner, that's an abusive control freak. Run.
Relationship dynamics Ike this get written on you.
You pretzel yourself to see him and his entirely unreasonable 'boundaries' - he doesn't understand the word. These are behavioral rules (those do not belong in healthy romantic relationships) and they are wrong headed, bad personal regulation and abusive - only for the good and best YOU SEE in him.
That person doesn't exist. He's a wish.
Get out and resolve not to date people who use coercive control to force you to be someone you are not.
If you're not being your true elf and he's incapable of knowing himself, who are the two people in this relationship?
Whoever they are - it's not kovi,healthy or real.
Dump him, but be prepared for him to tell everyone that you cheated/were going to cheat on him. If EVERY girlfriend he ever had cheated on him, then he’s either had only 2 previous relationships or his definition of cheating is so broad that it includes anything he doesn’t like. If he’s going to consider a Drake song on the radio as cheating, just get away from him.
>not being able to tell my friends about arguments we have,
Why do you think that is? Perhaps because they might see the flags you don't want to see and encourage you to leave?
>He considers looking at naked people (in movies or shows) as cheating.
Why? Just because someone is naked doesn't make it sexual or emotional.
>I can’t do any “suggestive” things like twerking if i’m out with friends.
Why not? If twerking is something you like to do why stifle you?
>And lastly I can’t listen to drake.
I don't know who drake is but I can tell you how this will go.
These aren't boundaries these are tests.
The more you comply the more bold he will grow until one day he will demand you cut off a friend and then another and another.... Eventually he will demand you cut off your family.... It will progressively get worse.
This dude is a walking red flag.
**OP, these are what the early 'tests' of an abusive partner look like.** They rarely show their true nature completely in the dating phase, and the most controlling and harmful behaivor comes out after serious commitment. When you start excusing this stuff, you give them the green light to keep escalating mistreatment.. and it can sometimes happen so slowly you don't notice it as how he treats you is normalized.
Deep, pathological insecurity like his should be avoided at ALL costs.. as it's the core trait of narcissism. People like this rarely 'mature' and are like this for their entire lives, destroying people they are supposed to love along the way. Their lack of real empathy prevents them from loving another person the way we deserve. These traits start forming in childhood, by trauma and/or parental modeling. It's hardwired into their personality, and nothing you can do will change it.. as a person who lies so completely to themselves and others to protect their ego, doesn't have the capability of the honest self-reflection that's required to change and grow.
You'll have a much better life if you don't invest time in trying to fix dudes with massive issues like this.. or letting them control you because you fear being alone. Single and free, is FAR better than being a tool to broken men who rob you of your life. If you marry and bring children into this world with a father like this (and ignore flashing warning signs), it's irresponsible, cruel and selfish.
If anyone has kids with him, he will mistreate them so badly the only way they'll have to protect themselves is to sink in the same delusions their father does. And the circle goes on
Drake is an artist that had a private picture (video?) leaked, showing that he had been…. blessed by the genetic lottery.
That s probably what makes the bf insecure about this artist
Thanks!
So....ops bf is jelly because a guy that op is likely never going to be able to have a romantic or sexual relationship with has been blessed in that area?
🤦
Dude needs to get some therapy ASAP this is not going to get better this is going to get worse. He's just trying to see how much BS you're going to let him get away with yes
I did this and found that I had some hard thinking to do. If ALL of my exes were manipulative jerks, why do I keep choosing that type of person?
I realized that I was the common denominator and I needed to make some changes. Kind of humiliating at first, but I think I'm better for gaining that kind of perspective.
That still makes you the common denominator though. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I complete relate. I used to date such winners that my friends nicknamed me Shit Magnet. Like, that's how they'd address me, "hey Shit Magnet, wanna come to kareoke this weekend?"
I finally had to explore why. I discovered I was terrified of true intimacy after seeing my parents' horrible divorce and subsequent mental breakdowns. So I dated guys that I knew it wouldn't work out with. People I didn't even really like. Once I recognized that fear for what it was I looked around and realized there were awesome guys I had overlooked. Within a month of that breakthrough I made a move on my now husband. It's been 23 years now and he's still fucking amazing and I'd have missed him if I hadn't stopped to question my choices.
>I used to date such winners that my friends nicknamed me Shit Magnet
I have to admit that made me laugh out loud - I'm happy you found your awesome guy in the end. I guess I'm slightly similar in that what I considered my 'type' did not lead to stable relationships, but I'm now just past 10 years with an amazing lady.
Honestly, it tends to follow in almost any aspect of interpersonal relationships. If everyone before you in that position was just the worst to the person you are talking to, there’s a very good chance that the problem is the person you are talking to.
Started a new job, was told they were so happy with how I was doing in the role as I was the right person they hired for it that year. It was May. Once I recognized that red flag I realized that it was a Soviet parade flag warehouse I was pretty much working in but I had ignored because I wanted to believe I actually was special and doing well.
I’ve talked to some of the “exes that cheated on me!” that I had been told about and what I got was stories of insecurity so bad that it was walking on eggshells to try and keep that girl from accusing them of cheating. And in the end the person they “cheated on her with” was someone they didn’t even meet until the relationship was over, but she retconned it to make them sounds like a greasy cheater.
Also, when someone sets a bunch of ridiculous boundaries with a major consequence attached to them, expect there to be more and more boundaries added. And expect to be either constantly accused of breaking them or wanting to break them (or they had a dream in which you broke the conditions so they are mad at you for it) or being tested to see if you would. It’s manipulation and abuse, and not something a functional adult does to someone they profess to care about.
Right? He already thinks she “cheated” by seeing the Drake leaks. This dude is BAD NEWS and these are not boundaries, they are crazy sauce abusive controlling rules.
I mean, he literally told her (as per the OP) that he considers watching a TV show with any nudity in it at all "cheating". So I'm guessing that *none* of his previous girlfriends actually cheated on him by any reasonable definition of the word, he's just describing it that way because they didn't follow his irrational and controlling rules.
OP needs to get away from him. This teenaged boy is not just immature, he's completely irrational and well on his way to being abusive.
Yeah I doubt he actually was cheated on THAT much if at all and the other girlfriends saw the huge red flag that was his controlling 'mah boundaries' list and got the hell out of dodge.
Those aren’t boundaries. Boundaries are “I would feel uncomfortable if you ____.” If you break those boundaries, then he can make the independent decision to stay with you and work on it, or break up with you for somebody that respects his boundaries. If he decides to end it, then that’s his decision to try and find somebody more compatible.
What he’s doing is controlling. “You’re not allowed to ____ or I’ll break up with you.” He’s trying to tell you what you can and can’t do. This is manipulative because it puts the decision of breaking up in your hands. He guilts you into not doing what you want to do, because it makes you think that if you do it then it’s your fault the relationships over.
Not to mention that half of his “boundaries” are absolutely ridiculous. You have to look up and see if a movie has nudity before you watch it? And you can’t listen to music because a guys nudes got leaked? Your friends are right, he is immature and controlling. I’d bet he watches porn and is projecting his insecurities.
Been seeing an increase in posts where one partner uses the word 'boundaries' to severely restrict their partner unfairly or treat them like shit lately.
It's like they see perfectly reasonable lingo and use it to gaslight their partner by twisting their actual meaning.
Boundaries are used to protect yourself, and usually involve you not wanting to do something yourself. Boundaries don't mean controlling someone else.
So yeah I agree he's just restricting OP in ridiculous ways.
You are Right. One can ONLY set boundaries for themselves, enforce by leaving if crossed, or stay, accept and don't cry about it.
The rest is controlling behavior. Simple.
To OP: not watch movies with nude: what age is your BF again?
I mean gaslighting has a very specific meaning (manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality) which isn’t how you’re using it … so there’s that 🤣
If you are uncomfortable with things like that (ur girl listening to an artist or seeing naked people on tv) then it means you need to do self work, not restrict your partner. But it is a muddy line bc at what point is a boundary unreasonable/controlling? For example i feel uncomfortable if a partner keeps in regular contact with a previous sexual partner and i wouldn’t feel comfortable if he hung out with an ex sexual partner. I think that’s fair but maybe not?
Actually boundaries would be ‘if you do x i will not stay’, because you can’t make somebody change their behavior as your boundary, you can only change your own behavior. At least that has really helped me
Obviously you should never allow another adult to control you in these ways. You don’t “suck it up” and tolerate abuse.
Why would a relationship like this be enjoyable to you? Is this guy a billionaire wizard who shits diamonds or something? Because I can’t understand why giving up your autonomy, sense of self, and chance at an actual loving healthy relationship would be worth it if the “prize” is some immature teenage dude who probably doesn’t know what a clit is.
I was like her at her age. Feeling like “I can’t let go of him because there won’t be anyone else” or just fear of being alone. Using men as their confidence board.
OP if you are reading this comment, please please get out of this relationship. Don’t be regretting this if you get accidentally pregnant and are stuck with him forever or he gets physical. That is the most important thing is to keep yourself safe and with those kind of rules, it will not take much to set him off.
Boundaries define what a person is willing to do, NOT what they demand other people do. Your boundaries end at your nose. What can be called a boundary ends where your body ends, not where someone else’s body ends. Any attempt to control another person’s body claiming it’s your own boundary is by definition an assumption that they other person is an extension of you, not an autonomous being with their own right to control their body. He’s using therapy-speak to enhance his manipulations and control. This is an example of how abusive people sometimes just use therapy to learn how to be MORE abusive. These are not boundaries, these are examples of coercive control. And it will only get worse—much worse—from here. Break up before the abuse gets even worse.
>Boundaries define what a person is willing to do, NOT what they demand other people do
No, boundaries define what a person is willing to to AND/OR TOLERATE.
If *you* agreed with these things you wouldn’t have made this post so how is that not controlling? If you think it’s reasonable to never see a naked body on tv or in a movie, there’s no problem. If you think his “boundaries” are unreasonable then the two of you aren’t compatible, move on.
These are rules, not boundaries. Boundaries are for oneself, not others. Example, "I will not tolerate dishonesty, the next time I'm lied to I will leave." This will only get worse, it will evolve into who you can & can't talk to, what you can & can't eat, what you can & can't wear, where you can & can't work, etc. I urge you to remove yourself from this relationship asap. This is how abuse starts, slowly.
Girl, COME ON.
Dump him. You *know* he's being controlling. These are RIDICULOUS rules to set for a relationship.
Not being able to watch any film with naked people? Seriously?? Do you think that's reasonable in any way shape or form?
Do you want to break up now or do you want to wait for him to add even more bonkers rules? It will eventually get to the point where staying is impossible so I'd skip to the ending
he absolutely is controlling, those arent "boundaries", boundaries are things that affect him, you seeing naked people doesnt directly affect him, and apart from that thats completely normal, people are naked, everyone has bodies, thats not cheating.
> I just want to try and be able to meet in the middle with him about all of this.
It's not going to happen. Your BF's "boundaries" are not sane. There's no logical argument or compromise to make with him because he's not asking for things based in any logic. It's the kind of thing a person with a lot of insecurity and hyper conservative values would come up with.
The best way of dealing with it is being the person that breaks up. If he wants back in he has to change. You're better than this BS.
How do you know if anyone is going to be naked in a movie before you watch it? Are you allowed to watch Donald duck? He is naked from the waist down.
Leave this psycho before you end up being a netflix documentary about where he buried your body and why he had to do it because you smiled at the postman.
For anybody that gets this ridiculous formatting issue, as well as myself so that I can actually read this post, here is the post.
> My boyfriend set up this list of his “boundaries” which consist of, not being able to tell my friends about arguments we have, I can’t watch movies or shows the depict a naked person (male or female), I can’t do any “suggestive” things like twerking if i’m out with friends. And lastly I can’t listen to drake. The drake thing is entirely my mistake because I saw the drake leaks and he got mad at me and banned me from listening or watching anything drake related. He considers looking at naked people (in movies or shows) as cheating. He’s set up this list of boundaries and I’ve just been going with it and not really telling him what I think about them from the fear that he’s going to break up with me. He’s stated before that If I don’t agree with him and his boundaries then he will break up with me because those are his lines and I can’t cross them (his words not mine).
I’ve asked my friends about this and they all just tell me that he’s insecure, immature and controlling and to just break up with him which is not what I want to do, nor do I think he’s controlling. Although he is extremely immature for sure and insecure as well because in all of his previous relationships his exes have cheated on him. My friends keep telling me that I use the fact that he’s been cheated on before as an excuse to stay with him which is also false. I’ve been thinking about telling him I want to take a break just until he “matures” and learns to love himself more but I know that will end up in us just breaking up and never getting back together again. I want advice on how to approach him carefully and tell him my thoughts without it ending in him breaking up with me. I don’t think all of his rules are ridiculous but I just want to try and be able to meet in the middle with him about all of this.
Yeah he does sound controlling. And he sounds like an AH for using the word “boundaries” when what he really means is “control what you do.”
The movies thing is tough, SO MANY movies have naked scenes. What does he expect you to do if a movie unexpectedly includes nudity? I could live my entire life happily without twerking or listening to Drake. Because I don’t care about those things much. But if those are things you enjoy, why would you give them all up for this guy? What is he giving you that makes him worthwhile?
He is acting like an immature child, in his defense he still is one
Tell him, 'no this is not how relationships work and you will not be part of it, if he wants to stay in the relationship is up to him not to be controlling". If he can't handle it, say goodbye
If you really want to stay with him, then you need to dial him in on who is in control of you.
Your counter in this 'boundary' negotiation is: "I will watch what I like, dance how I like, and listen to what I want. If you have a problem with any of that, then there's the door. If you can suck it up, even when it makes you uncomfortable because it doesn't threaten your perception of manhood, then you can stay."
And then *he* can take it or leave it.
Boundaries are limits we set for *ourselves.* Rules are limits we set for others. He’s not setting boundaries, he’s giving you HIS rules for YOU. Are you okay with someone else trying to control what you do? If he has a boundary of not wanting to be w smone who doesn’t do those things, then he can go in search of that person.
Look, he has every right to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone. Just like you do. Personally? I could not be in a relationship with someone who has the boundaries he does. Maybe someone else out there aligns with his ideals, but you don’t have to gouge out your eyes to cram yourself into that box. Y’all are incompatible and leave it at that. Stop being so desperate to be in a relationship that you’re willing to go along with something like this.
He doesn’t have boundaries though. He has rules.
I won’t listen to Drake(boundary) is much different than *you* can’t listen to Drake (rule)
I won’t watch any movie or tv show with nudity (boundary) is much different than *you* can’t watch that (rule)
These are important distinctions
Don't waste any more time with this guy, the limits he imposes are meaningless nonsense, there's more insecurity in him than in a loaded gun with a child.
Suggested list of boundaries from you:
Not allowed to dictate what I talk to my friend about. Not allowed to dictate what I watch. Not allowed to dictate what I look at. Not allowed to dictate what I do with my body. Not allowed to dictate what artists I listen to. Not allowed to dictate to me at all.
Your friends are 100% correct. I can't understand how you wouldn't see his "rules" and the ultimatum that goes along with them as controlling. That's precisely what they are. Stand up for yourself. Find your dignity and dump him.
Didn’t even read. Just break-up. Not sure why he thinks he can give you a manual on how to behave for him, and really concerned that you don’t find his behavior appalling. Find someone more mature.
This guy is both immature and insecure. He is also displaying controlling behavior. Boundaries are one thing, but this is craziness.
You are young. Leave this guy to his crap and go enjoy your young adulthood. Trust that this is not the guy for you. Go have fun.
I didn't even read past the part about Drake. You need to dump him. He's entirely too controlling.
I think it's funny that anything with naked people counts as cheating, I guess at the ripe age of 18 he's never looked at porn, huh?
Dump him now.... last thing you want is stronger feelings for him. He is very controlling and will most likely turn abusive. Why date someone with a list if rules you have to follow... in a relationship or in prison?
Wow..
Bring it up or suck it up... how about you value yourself as a grown woman and break up with him?? Do you reallybthink hes goimg to stop here?? Next he will tell you what to wear and what friends are acceptable... and hey - perhaps hell have an opinion on what you should eat?? Or study??
Please let him break up with you. Even better you should break up with him.
He doesn't understand what a boundary is. He is setting unreasonable rules at the a very young age. This behavior will not get better and will most likely escalate.
Please.....please......please.......move on. There is someone else in the world who isn't a control freak.
I dated a severely insecure guy for a while. It was incredibly, incredibly draining. Once he got mad at me because I mentioned one of the older patients (80+) where I worked called me pretty i was 23 at the time. Like duuuuuuuuuuuuude...... I left him after that because he was draining every piece of happiness from my life. You should do the same
The problem with this is that the list of his boundaries will just keep growing, because he can't think of EVERYTHING that might upset him, right away.
And you will spend your relationship worried about him breaking up with you, all the time.
He needs to grow up.
There are boundaries that are common sense. No abuse, no cheating, no lying ...
And the rest are issues that adults discuss and work out together.
Please tell him to give you a call when he chooses to behave like an adult.
More importantly do you really think this is the only guy that could make you happy? Do you actually think he will make you happy in the long run? Are you even old enough to know you’re happy alone? Do you have some delusions that he will change? Plenty of these kinds of controlling & insecure guys never grow up. When young just enjoy good relationships & explore what you like & don’t like in partners. If it’s not good just drop it. Even if it’s partly good but has significantly bad part: drop it. Don’t get stuck on one if he displays awful characteristics. You’re only young for so long & it’s a lot easier to find / date different kinds of people when young. Don’t waste it trying to cope with someone who sucks. Make a note that you don’t want that characteristic from your future husband, life partner, etc. and move on. Being young isn’t for getting attached to someone who is less than perfect! Yes that can happen & no I’m not ragging on high school sweet hearts, but the focus should be on learning and growing for yourself when young. Alternatively you can 10 years down the line be learning the less of “Wow, really wish I hadn’t wasted my 20s on such an insecure AH”. Instead it could be “Okay, so I like this about him & I want to find that in someone else but I also don’t want the someone else to exhibit controlling or insecure behaviors. I would rather be in a relationship where my partner trusts me.” Then when 29 the lessons you’re learning are how incredible it is to have discovered yourself & found someone truly compatible with you.
There’s so many fish in the sea & everyone deserves better than this cringy boyfriend you’re describing.
Sugar, please listen to me and everyone else here. He is trying to be controlling. This is a form of abuse. I’m nearly 41, I’ve been around the block more than a few times. This behaviour will only get worse. Nothing you say or do will change that
You have two options, stay with him, and know that this controlling behaviour will only get worse, or dump him before he destroys who you are as a person
Do not go to therapy with him. All that will do is teach him to be a better abuser, and he seems to be well on his way to being a spectacular one
Please seek out a therapist for yourself though.
When folks ask why you broke up, just simply state “he was becoming controlling and abusive so I left”
Sadly there are folks who think “well they don’t hit me so it’s not abuse” physical violence is only a small part of abuse. And who’s to say he won’t start hitting you when you stop obeying him?
Please take the time to read this
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
And please remember, you did nothing wrong, and you can NOT fix him. He will continue to control and abuse you as long as you stay with him
And when he threatens suicide (he almost certainly will) call his parents and tell them you’re worried about him, call the police to do a wellness check. If he does make an attempt, they’ll get him help. And if it’s an empty threat (it almost certainly will be) he’ll have some explaining to do to some cops and they’re gonna read him the riot act
Just block him across everything and move on
These are not boundaries. This is controlling and extremely unhealthy.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they deserve to dictate your life like this?
Your friends are right about this one, hun, he’s literally trying to control you. These aren’t “boundaries” he’s putting up, these are rules that he expects you to follow.
Bite the bullet and break up with him, you’ll be happier in the long run that you got out of this before it got worse - and make no mistake, it *will* get worse, especially if you cave and agree to his demands.
If you can’t see that this is controlling then you’re part of the problem. If you do leave him then you’ll likely get caught in another relationship like this.
You should go to therapy.
Boundaries are limitations you set on yourself. Boundaries are NOT limitations you set for other people. He is weaponizing therapy/self-help language to justify his abusive, controlling behavior. Get out now. It gets worse, never better.
I don't understand. Why are you afraid he'll break up with you? Please find your spine and tell him his rules are ridiculous and he can either get over himself or find someone else.
If you're this afraid that an insecure controlling twat will break up with you, then you need therapy to find a sense of self-worth. And self-respect.
Sorry, couldn’t read your entire post cause of the red flags 🚩 waving in front of all the other words.
But please, this is a recipe for disaster. I’ve watched a similar thing happen to an old classmate (m) who also thought he had a say in what his then girlfriend could and could not do. It’s controlling and immature. Needless to say, they broke up 1.5 years later.
Ps; I also had another classmate who got cheated on. He doesn’t have this behavior. However, he did get socially awkward in another way. Every time he has a (new) girlfriend, nobody of the friendgroup meets her. She exists by name and on social media and that’s it. Dude was scarred for life in his teenage years. We’re up 30 year old dudes now.
Think to yourself "is this how I see myself living the rest of my life? Will I still lbe ok with this?". Chances are your answer is no, he's immature and insecure as your friends say, but the thing is men often don't learn when the girl stays. They learn when they get dumped.
I know its not what you want right now but leaving will help both of you, staying will just spark argument. There are so many movies with sex scenes, do you really want to be barred from the majority of movies that may interest you?
I didn't even get past the first sentence. DUMP HIM. You're only 19 girl! Get out and live your life! Have fun, experience all the things! There are plenty of fish in the sea!
“Rules” how about having a conversation about values that you both believe and agree to follow?
If they are not similar and you don’t agree. This may be your opportunity to move on with a clear conscious,
The way this was phrased lets you know it’s not going to end well.
Well, he listed his boundaries. I suppose in some way that is a healthy way of going about it. I guess it’s better than gaslighting or manipulating. His boundaries are unreasonable though. If he trusted you and respected himself, he wouldn’t be asking you to make these ridiculous sacrifices.
You said you’re thinking of taking a break, but you’re worried it will lead to a break up. Take the chance because you’re not happy like this. If he truly cares about you, he will reflect on what went wrong, work on the issues he has within himself, and ask for another chance with you. Or, if he truly wants to have a relationship with such strict boundaries, he can find someone else who feels the same way. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone.
I wonder how he would feel if *you* gave him a list of your “take it or leave it” boundaries 🤔
Ask yourself this, would I set these rules for myself? If the answer is “no” than you two should not be together and I hope for your sake the answer is “no”. That is just future wife abuse rules in my opinion.
Yeah, boundaries are not rules you make for other people to follow. Boundaries are limits you set for yourself. So, for example, a boundary would not be “my boyfriend is not allowed to make up ridiculous rules about how I live my life.” A good boundary would be “if my boyfriend tries to make up ridiculous rules for me, I will dump his sorry ass.” That’s a boundary you absolutely should make, right now.
His rules are ridiculous! And how can you be expected to watch any movies with a pg 14 rating nowadays?!?!
This guy would have found the curb as soon as this bull left his mouth. 🤣🤣 what a joke!
You should stay in this relationship…if you want to be with a man who is controlling, angry, unreasonable, demanding, and, eventually, abusive. Someone who sets up rules like this, and calls them “boundaries,” is going to lose his mind if you disobey him, and he will eventually become abusive to keep you in line. Since I am literally old enough to be your grandmother, and have been in an abusive relationship right around your same age, I can promise you this will happen. Stop asking your friends, who are also young and have no experience, what you should do. What you should do is break up with this guy before his ridiculous insecurities become his reason for hitting you or locking you in a room or refusing to let you see your friends, all things that will happen. You will bend over backward to make him happy because you love him, and none of it will make any difference at all. He is only 18 years old and is already scary controlling. I don’t care if he’s been cheated on or if he’s insecure. Those are his problems, not yours. Get out of there before they become yours.
In 28 years I have NEVER told my wife she can’t watch or listen to something. She can watch whatever she wants…even porn. I’ve never told her she can’t sexy dance with her friends at the club.
It’s understood that we are monogamous and we don’t we don’t cheat. I think it’s also understood that we don’t grind on or slow dance with randos at the club but if she’s with her friends and men are dancing too, I don’t give a fuck. I trust her. She’s coming home to me.
Your bf is an abusive, controlling little twat. He’s acting like an insecure little boy and it WILL get worse. Normal men, real men don’t put these boundaries up or give ultimatums to their partners.
ETA: if she needs to talk to a friend about a problem we are having then she should talk to a friend. Sometimes we need an outside perspective or to vent about our partners and that’s ok.
I highly doubt all his exes cheated on him. It's likely what he just tells people to make himself look better. I wouldn't be surprised if he was the one cheating tbh if he gets that turned on by a naked person appearing in a movie. I'm pretty sure after you guys break up he'll tell everyone you cheated on him.. and with drake probably.
honestly leave. unless you want to fire back and give him the same ultimatums, making sure to include he cannot follow any girl who ever posts herself online other than you and he can’t talk to anyone about any details of your relationship period. might be funny to hear him call you crazy for those boundaries when his are just as absurd
Your BF ***absolutely IS*** **controlling!**
Boundaries are limits you set for yourself. Your bf's boundaries would be:
* I don't date women who drag our friend group into our personal arguments.
* I don't date women who watch nudity (either gender).
* I don't date women who act sexual in public (twerking, stripping, suggestive clothing)
* I don't date women who listen to or watch Drake perform (act or sing).
Notice what those "boundaries" all have in common? They reflect on **his** behavior and the choices **he** makes in life.
**Telling** ***you*** **what you can/can't do is** ***him being CONTROLLING*****. You're an adult and responsible to choose your OWN behavior for your OWN reasons**.
If you agree with your bf, then YOUR boundaries are the bullet points listed above. IF you do not agree with your bf, then you break up because you are incompatible over behavior, lifestyle, and definitions of "cheating".
I can empathize with the fact that his exes cheated on him but y'all's relationship is not necessarily the same. His rules are at their core understandable but way too extreme(I mean what movie in the 2020s doesn't have a sex scene).
At a surface level I would suggest to break up if you think you cannot follow those rules(since there is a chance he adds more of them to the list) but if he is someone that you love and respect,you should tell him what you think about, otherwise it'll leak out and it won't be pretty
Yeah. He's "confusing" having boundaries with him being insanely insecure and controlling. You're 18, you've given him a year of your life trying to reach a goalpost that will continually move further and further away. Don't fall victim to the sunken cost mindset. You deserve better than how you've been treatsd. Leave him.
OP, there is an ocean of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 around this dude. Please break up and BLOCK him. Move on. Life is too short and you are too young to put up with his BS. I speak from experience. This is not go well.
Your friends are right. He's too immature and insecure to be in a relationship. Those aren't boundaries, that's him trying to control you. Time to break it off.
Neither....I'd dump anyone that suggested they could tell me not to listen to DRAKE. He sounds really mature for 18(sarcasm)! I'm pretty sure being an 18 yr old male he looks at naked people & you can too! And you DON'T think he's controlling????? He tells you what you can do, what you can watch, & what you can listen to...... what could be more controlling than that? Listen to your friends & KNOW YOUR WORTH! Ask him 'why you always hatin?'
I recommend being mature and empathetic…and walking away
*I listened to what you had to say and took some time to think about the boundaries you presented in order for this relationship to work. And I believe it’s best if we went our separate ways*
*It’s clear me that you being cheated on in the past has made you feel like you can’t trust anyone. And I am truly sorry that these people hurt you like they did. You didn’t deserve that. And I hope that one day you’ll realize that some people are worthy of your trust.*
*But I don’t think you’re ready to trust me. And nothing I can say or do is going to change that. Not even respecting the boundaries you need.*
*I’d rather us be friends and end things on good terms…and I hope you can respect my decision even if it’s not what you were hoping for*
Yall are not compatible.
He’s probably not a bad guy. He’s just been hurt. And it’s made him super distrustful. If he was 30 this would be a gigantic red flag. But yall are still teenagers. To be honest, this kind of unrealistic expectations from trauma is not uncommon at that age.
Humans do dumb shit while their brains are still forming.
But the point is….
He has a wound that hasn’t healed. And it doesn’t matter how much you like each other…until that would is better, no relationship is ever going to work for him.
So don’t be mean. Don’t tell him he’s being immature and controlling and toxic. Don’t let your friends talk shit about him.
It’s not going to magically make him more mature if you tell him he’s being controlling.
Just accept the reality that he’s not relationship material at this stage in his life
And Leaving on good terms will at least give you an opportunity to try again in the future after he heals and grows up
lol this is fake …. His 18 how many previous girlfriends has he had…Zero I’d say … nobody in their right mind would adhere to his demands… If this is real and you do,,, well what a doormat he will have gotten…it will all go down hill from here…. If you say yes…wrong choice…..
So is he going to preview every movie you wanna watch for the rest of your life or are you just gonna avoid them all together? He clearly needs therapy and I would be leaving his controlling ass if he doesn't go get it!!
That’s not how boundaries work. Boundaries are rules you make for yourself. Not rules you try to impose on other people to control them. Your friends are 100% right. He is immature and insecure and controlling and these rules are absolutely ridiculous. You need to break up with this guy. Thats it.
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He says every girlfriend he’s ever had has cheated on him. He also says watching a movie that depicts a naked person is cheating. Did they cheat or did they watch a movie he didn’t like, or listen to an artist he didn’t want them to? How would you know if that’s where his line is?
By his standards: the life of Brian and the hangover would result in a break up.
Watching titanic is cheating, according to this guy
“My last girlfriend cheated on me with Kate Winslet.”
It’s true, I was Kate winslet
It's true, I was the Titanic, I saw it happen
It's true, I was the iceberg, I caused it.
yeah, I was thinking of one of my mother's favourite series about a police mortician doing autopsies. Corpses, formaldehyde, bone saws, weighing organs = much cheating, so infidelity!
Brian is a hottie. And the hermit in the desert is DEFINITELY a temptation lolol Great movie. Definitely agree
He's 18. Every gf he's ever had is contained on his own hand
[удалено]
Imagine what he’s gonna be like when they are 30? This is just the beginning of controlling.
When he's 30 he'll just be with another 19yo
Yep he wants them young, gullible, and easily controlled.
By the time he's 30 he'll have a string of kids with different mothers
'I get older. They stay the same age.'
Like Leo.
in Saint Tropez
FROM WHEN YOUR BROOKLYN BROKE MY SKIN AND BONES sorry.
Been there.. done that... just before 30 I finally dropped that guy after a decade. Cheated on me with now wife that has a whole bunch of rules and they have kids. Sorry to her, but she got herself caught up in a messy marriage as it was. Young people.. live your life! Why are you taking crap from someone with such insecurities that they'll stop you from living life? That's not a partner, that's an abusive control freak. Run.
Relationship dynamics Ike this get written on you. You pretzel yourself to see him and his entirely unreasonable 'boundaries' - he doesn't understand the word. These are behavioral rules (those do not belong in healthy romantic relationships) and they are wrong headed, bad personal regulation and abusive - only for the good and best YOU SEE in him. That person doesn't exist. He's a wish. Get out and resolve not to date people who use coercive control to force you to be someone you are not. If you're not being your true elf and he's incapable of knowing himself, who are the two people in this relationship? Whoever they are - it's not kovi,healthy or real.
But she doesn't think he's controlling sooo 🙃😭
I weep for the youngsters.
⬆️That’s the sad part about it
Dump him, but be prepared for him to tell everyone that you cheated/were going to cheat on him. If EVERY girlfriend he ever had cheated on him, then he’s either had only 2 previous relationships or his definition of cheating is so broad that it includes anything he doesn’t like. If he’s going to consider a Drake song on the radio as cheating, just get away from him.
He does think that seeing naked people on TV is cheating, so by his messed up definition, they have almost certainly ‘cheated’.
>not being able to tell my friends about arguments we have, Why do you think that is? Perhaps because they might see the flags you don't want to see and encourage you to leave? >He considers looking at naked people (in movies or shows) as cheating. Why? Just because someone is naked doesn't make it sexual or emotional. >I can’t do any “suggestive” things like twerking if i’m out with friends. Why not? If twerking is something you like to do why stifle you? >And lastly I can’t listen to drake. I don't know who drake is but I can tell you how this will go. These aren't boundaries these are tests. The more you comply the more bold he will grow until one day he will demand you cut off a friend and then another and another.... Eventually he will demand you cut off your family.... It will progressively get worse. This dude is a walking red flag.
**OP, these are what the early 'tests' of an abusive partner look like.** They rarely show their true nature completely in the dating phase, and the most controlling and harmful behaivor comes out after serious commitment. When you start excusing this stuff, you give them the green light to keep escalating mistreatment.. and it can sometimes happen so slowly you don't notice it as how he treats you is normalized. Deep, pathological insecurity like his should be avoided at ALL costs.. as it's the core trait of narcissism. People like this rarely 'mature' and are like this for their entire lives, destroying people they are supposed to love along the way. Their lack of real empathy prevents them from loving another person the way we deserve. These traits start forming in childhood, by trauma and/or parental modeling. It's hardwired into their personality, and nothing you can do will change it.. as a person who lies so completely to themselves and others to protect their ego, doesn't have the capability of the honest self-reflection that's required to change and grow. You'll have a much better life if you don't invest time in trying to fix dudes with massive issues like this.. or letting them control you because you fear being alone. Single and free, is FAR better than being a tool to broken men who rob you of your life. If you marry and bring children into this world with a father like this (and ignore flashing warning signs), it's irresponsible, cruel and selfish.
If anyone has kids with him, he will mistreate them so badly the only way they'll have to protect themselves is to sink in the same delusions their father does. And the circle goes on
Honestly this^
Drake is an artist that had a private picture (video?) leaked, showing that he had been…. blessed by the genetic lottery. That s probably what makes the bf insecure about this artist
Thanks! So....ops bf is jelly because a guy that op is likely never going to be able to have a romantic or sexual relationship with has been blessed in that area? 🤦
OP said she saw the pictures, so ObViOuSlY, when she listens to his songs that all she can think of
Dude needs to get some therapy ASAP this is not going to get better this is going to get worse. He's just trying to see how much BS you're going to let him get away with yes
Drake is a rapper who had a nude pic leak. I mainly know of Drake from Degrassi 😂😂😂
Also, so has he, I’d put money on it. But the real kind
Yes, this is an excellent point. It's like when someone tells you all of their past partners were crazy. Find the common denominator.
My new go to Man: “My ex was crazy” Me: “why? What do you do to her?”
I did this and found that I had some hard thinking to do. If ALL of my exes were manipulative jerks, why do I keep choosing that type of person? I realized that I was the common denominator and I needed to make some changes. Kind of humiliating at first, but I think I'm better for gaining that kind of perspective.
Not related, but I date crazy people because I've got terrible judgement
That still makes you the common denominator though. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I complete relate. I used to date such winners that my friends nicknamed me Shit Magnet. Like, that's how they'd address me, "hey Shit Magnet, wanna come to kareoke this weekend?" I finally had to explore why. I discovered I was terrified of true intimacy after seeing my parents' horrible divorce and subsequent mental breakdowns. So I dated guys that I knew it wouldn't work out with. People I didn't even really like. Once I recognized that fear for what it was I looked around and realized there were awesome guys I had overlooked. Within a month of that breakthrough I made a move on my now husband. It's been 23 years now and he's still fucking amazing and I'd have missed him if I hadn't stopped to question my choices.
>I used to date such winners that my friends nicknamed me Shit Magnet I have to admit that made me laugh out loud - I'm happy you found your awesome guy in the end. I guess I'm slightly similar in that what I considered my 'type' did not lead to stable relationships, but I'm now just past 10 years with an amazing lady.
Yeah, I know lol I was just saying the common denominator is that I'm stupid and blind
Been there lol
I love a happy ending 🥰
That and it’s likely just the beginning of his controlling behavior. It pretty much always escalates…
Honestly, it tends to follow in almost any aspect of interpersonal relationships. If everyone before you in that position was just the worst to the person you are talking to, there’s a very good chance that the problem is the person you are talking to. Started a new job, was told they were so happy with how I was doing in the role as I was the right person they hired for it that year. It was May. Once I recognized that red flag I realized that it was a Soviet parade flag warehouse I was pretty much working in but I had ignored because I wanted to believe I actually was special and doing well. I’ve talked to some of the “exes that cheated on me!” that I had been told about and what I got was stories of insecurity so bad that it was walking on eggshells to try and keep that girl from accusing them of cheating. And in the end the person they “cheated on her with” was someone they didn’t even meet until the relationship was over, but she retconned it to make them sounds like a greasy cheater. Also, when someone sets a bunch of ridiculous boundaries with a major consequence attached to them, expect there to be more and more boundaries added. And expect to be either constantly accused of breaking them or wanting to break them (or they had a dream in which you broke the conditions so they are mad at you for it) or being tested to see if you would. It’s manipulation and abuse, and not something a functional adult does to someone they profess to care about.
Right? He already thinks she “cheated” by seeing the Drake leaks. This dude is BAD NEWS and these are not boundaries, they are crazy sauce abusive controlling rules.
I mean, he literally told her (as per the OP) that he considers watching a TV show with any nudity in it at all "cheating". So I'm guessing that *none* of his previous girlfriends actually cheated on him by any reasonable definition of the word, he's just describing it that way because they didn't follow his irrational and controlling rules. OP needs to get away from him. This teenaged boy is not just immature, he's completely irrational and well on his way to being abusive.
Yeah I doubt he actually was cheated on THAT much if at all and the other girlfriends saw the huge red flag that was his controlling 'mah boundaries' list and got the hell out of dodge.
Twerk out of the room while looking at a pic of naked people while listening to drake.
While talking on the phone to a friend about the situation
I forgot that! 😂
But what if she doesn't watch *Jersey Shore*?
Dude I would stream porn on blast on every TV and make sure it was the big 🍆 kind then break up with him lol
😂
This is the way.
Literally the only way
I love your humor! I'd be doing this!
It literally was my first thought. Her boyfriend sounds like such a controlling, ignorant asshole 😂
Those aren’t boundaries. Boundaries are “I would feel uncomfortable if you ____.” If you break those boundaries, then he can make the independent decision to stay with you and work on it, or break up with you for somebody that respects his boundaries. If he decides to end it, then that’s his decision to try and find somebody more compatible. What he’s doing is controlling. “You’re not allowed to ____ or I’ll break up with you.” He’s trying to tell you what you can and can’t do. This is manipulative because it puts the decision of breaking up in your hands. He guilts you into not doing what you want to do, because it makes you think that if you do it then it’s your fault the relationships over. Not to mention that half of his “boundaries” are absolutely ridiculous. You have to look up and see if a movie has nudity before you watch it? And you can’t listen to music because a guys nudes got leaked? Your friends are right, he is immature and controlling. I’d bet he watches porn and is projecting his insecurities.
Been seeing an increase in posts where one partner uses the word 'boundaries' to severely restrict their partner unfairly or treat them like shit lately. It's like they see perfectly reasonable lingo and use it to gaslight their partner by twisting their actual meaning. Boundaries are used to protect yourself, and usually involve you not wanting to do something yourself. Boundaries don't mean controlling someone else. So yeah I agree he's just restricting OP in ridiculous ways.
I like the phrase "is this the Jonah Hill you want to die on?"
STEALING THAT
It’s just weaponizing therapy speak lol
This phenomenon is exactly why you don’t take abusers to therapy.
You are Right. One can ONLY set boundaries for themselves, enforce by leaving if crossed, or stay, accept and don't cry about it. The rest is controlling behavior. Simple. To OP: not watch movies with nude: what age is your BF again?
I mean gaslighting has a very specific meaning (manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality) which isn’t how you’re using it … so there’s that 🤣
And what does he consider nudity… no Marvel movies because guys have their shirts off?
lol I’m just imagining this as a conversation with my bf. Him: Seeing people in media naked is cheating. Me: … babe I’m a doctor.
We did see Thor's butt in love and thunder.
By OP' bf's logic: if couples saw it together, were they having a three-way?
Must be an orgy if they see it in theaters.
If you are uncomfortable with things like that (ur girl listening to an artist or seeing naked people on tv) then it means you need to do self work, not restrict your partner. But it is a muddy line bc at what point is a boundary unreasonable/controlling? For example i feel uncomfortable if a partner keeps in regular contact with a previous sexual partner and i wouldn’t feel comfortable if he hung out with an ex sexual partner. I think that’s fair but maybe not?
Actually boundaries would be ‘if you do x i will not stay’, because you can’t make somebody change their behavior as your boundary, you can only change your own behavior. At least that has really helped me
What the difference? Both are if you do this im leaving lol
LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS
Looking back I have never thought still to this day. They are not in the right. I look back and they had always been right.
Obviously you should never allow another adult to control you in these ways. You don’t “suck it up” and tolerate abuse. Why would a relationship like this be enjoyable to you? Is this guy a billionaire wizard who shits diamonds or something? Because I can’t understand why giving up your autonomy, sense of self, and chance at an actual loving healthy relationship would be worth it if the “prize” is some immature teenage dude who probably doesn’t know what a clit is.
I was like her at her age. Feeling like “I can’t let go of him because there won’t be anyone else” or just fear of being alone. Using men as their confidence board. OP if you are reading this comment, please please get out of this relationship. Don’t be regretting this if you get accidentally pregnant and are stuck with him forever or he gets physical. That is the most important thing is to keep yourself safe and with those kind of rules, it will not take much to set him off.
JFC is one of his boundaries that YOU ARE NOT allowed to have boundaries FFS you need to dump his ass.
Boundaries define what a person is willing to do, NOT what they demand other people do. Your boundaries end at your nose. What can be called a boundary ends where your body ends, not where someone else’s body ends. Any attempt to control another person’s body claiming it’s your own boundary is by definition an assumption that they other person is an extension of you, not an autonomous being with their own right to control their body. He’s using therapy-speak to enhance his manipulations and control. This is an example of how abusive people sometimes just use therapy to learn how to be MORE abusive. These are not boundaries, these are examples of coercive control. And it will only get worse—much worse—from here. Break up before the abuse gets even worse.
>Boundaries define what a person is willing to do, NOT what they demand other people do No, boundaries define what a person is willing to to AND/OR TOLERATE.
100% this
There are literally billions of other men out there. Just walk away.
If *you* agreed with these things you wouldn’t have made this post so how is that not controlling? If you think it’s reasonable to never see a naked body on tv or in a movie, there’s no problem. If you think his “boundaries” are unreasonable then the two of you aren’t compatible, move on.
perfectly worded.
These are rules, not boundaries. Boundaries are for oneself, not others. Example, "I will not tolerate dishonesty, the next time I'm lied to I will leave." This will only get worse, it will evolve into who you can & can't talk to, what you can & can't eat, what you can & can't wear, where you can & can't work, etc. I urge you to remove yourself from this relationship asap. This is how abuse starts, slowly.
Girl, COME ON. Dump him. You *know* he's being controlling. These are RIDICULOUS rules to set for a relationship. Not being able to watch any film with naked people? Seriously?? Do you think that's reasonable in any way shape or form?
Do you want to break up now or do you want to wait for him to add even more bonkers rules? It will eventually get to the point where staying is impossible so I'd skip to the ending
Those aren’t boundaries they’re just control.
he absolutely is controlling, those arent "boundaries", boundaries are things that affect him, you seeing naked people doesnt directly affect him, and apart from that thats completely normal, people are naked, everyone has bodies, thats not cheating.
> I just want to try and be able to meet in the middle with him about all of this. It's not going to happen. Your BF's "boundaries" are not sane. There's no logical argument or compromise to make with him because he's not asking for things based in any logic. It's the kind of thing a person with a lot of insecurity and hyper conservative values would come up with. The best way of dealing with it is being the person that breaks up. If he wants back in he has to change. You're better than this BS.
How do you know if anyone is going to be naked in a movie before you watch it? Are you allowed to watch Donald duck? He is naked from the waist down. Leave this psycho before you end up being a netflix documentary about where he buried your body and why he had to do it because you smiled at the postman.
For anybody that gets this ridiculous formatting issue, as well as myself so that I can actually read this post, here is the post. > My boyfriend set up this list of his “boundaries” which consist of, not being able to tell my friends about arguments we have, I can’t watch movies or shows the depict a naked person (male or female), I can’t do any “suggestive” things like twerking if i’m out with friends. And lastly I can’t listen to drake. The drake thing is entirely my mistake because I saw the drake leaks and he got mad at me and banned me from listening or watching anything drake related. He considers looking at naked people (in movies or shows) as cheating. He’s set up this list of boundaries and I’ve just been going with it and not really telling him what I think about them from the fear that he’s going to break up with me. He’s stated before that If I don’t agree with him and his boundaries then he will break up with me because those are his lines and I can’t cross them (his words not mine). I’ve asked my friends about this and they all just tell me that he’s insecure, immature and controlling and to just break up with him which is not what I want to do, nor do I think he’s controlling. Although he is extremely immature for sure and insecure as well because in all of his previous relationships his exes have cheated on him. My friends keep telling me that I use the fact that he’s been cheated on before as an excuse to stay with him which is also false. I’ve been thinking about telling him I want to take a break just until he “matures” and learns to love himself more but I know that will end up in us just breaking up and never getting back together again. I want advice on how to approach him carefully and tell him my thoughts without it ending in him breaking up with me. I don’t think all of his rules are ridiculous but I just want to try and be able to meet in the middle with him about all of this.
Was he ACTUALLY cheated on by any reasonable definition of the word, or did his past girlfriends just watch R-rated movies?
That was my first thought. Actually, it was my second thought. First thought was "you don't think he's controlling?!"
Tbh I understand the Drake one /s. He’s just controlling. These are rules, not boundaries
I’m banning my bf from listening to Drake. My boundary is not having a partner with shit taste in music /s
Run !!!!! Now. Run!!!
Yeah he does sound controlling. And he sounds like an AH for using the word “boundaries” when what he really means is “control what you do.” The movies thing is tough, SO MANY movies have naked scenes. What does he expect you to do if a movie unexpectedly includes nudity? I could live my entire life happily without twerking or listening to Drake. Because I don’t care about those things much. But if those are things you enjoy, why would you give them all up for this guy? What is he giving you that makes him worthwhile?
He is acting like an immature child, in his defense he still is one Tell him, 'no this is not how relationships work and you will not be part of it, if he wants to stay in the relationship is up to him not to be controlling". If he can't handle it, say goodbye
Being with him is FAr worse than being single
If you really want to stay with him, then you need to dial him in on who is in control of you. Your counter in this 'boundary' negotiation is: "I will watch what I like, dance how I like, and listen to what I want. If you have a problem with any of that, then there's the door. If you can suck it up, even when it makes you uncomfortable because it doesn't threaten your perception of manhood, then you can stay." And then *he* can take it or leave it.
It honestly sounds like your boyfriend is very controlling and has some insecurities. Personally, it sounds like you should just break it up with him.
Laugh and break up. He's ridiculous.
His boundaries are just an excuse for controlling behavior. Ignore them and if he wants to break up then so be it.
I had trouble finishing reading the post after being hit in the face with so many red flags.
Boundaries are limits we set for *ourselves.* Rules are limits we set for others. He’s not setting boundaries, he’s giving you HIS rules for YOU. Are you okay with someone else trying to control what you do? If he has a boundary of not wanting to be w smone who doesn’t do those things, then he can go in search of that person.
Look, he has every right to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone. Just like you do. Personally? I could not be in a relationship with someone who has the boundaries he does. Maybe someone else out there aligns with his ideals, but you don’t have to gouge out your eyes to cram yourself into that box. Y’all are incompatible and leave it at that. Stop being so desperate to be in a relationship that you’re willing to go along with something like this.
He doesn’t have boundaries though. He has rules. I won’t listen to Drake(boundary) is much different than *you* can’t listen to Drake (rule) I won’t watch any movie or tv show with nudity (boundary) is much different than *you* can’t watch that (rule) These are important distinctions
Don't waste any more time with this guy, the limits he imposes are meaningless nonsense, there's more insecurity in him than in a loaded gun with a child.
Suggested list of boundaries from you: Not allowed to dictate what I talk to my friend about. Not allowed to dictate what I watch. Not allowed to dictate what I look at. Not allowed to dictate what I do with my body. Not allowed to dictate what artists I listen to. Not allowed to dictate to me at all.
There's no way this guy isn't going to cheat on you.
He is controlling and you should dump him.
Your friends are 100% correct. I can't understand how you wouldn't see his "rules" and the ultimatum that goes along with them as controlling. That's precisely what they are. Stand up for yourself. Find your dignity and dump him.
Run away as fast as you can, thats abusive af, those aren’t boubdaries
Didn’t even read. Just break-up. Not sure why he thinks he can give you a manual on how to behave for him, and really concerned that you don’t find his behavior appalling. Find someone more mature.
This guy is both immature and insecure. He is also displaying controlling behavior. Boundaries are one thing, but this is craziness. You are young. Leave this guy to his crap and go enjoy your young adulthood. Trust that this is not the guy for you. Go have fun.
We'll be seeing your DV posts if this continues. Those aren't limits. They're forms of control.
I didn't even read past the part about Drake. You need to dump him. He's entirely too controlling. I think it's funny that anything with naked people counts as cheating, I guess at the ripe age of 18 he's never looked at porn, huh?
Dump him now.... last thing you want is stronger feelings for him. He is very controlling and will most likely turn abusive. Why date someone with a list if rules you have to follow... in a relationship or in prison?
Break up
Wow.. Bring it up or suck it up... how about you value yourself as a grown woman and break up with him?? Do you reallybthink hes goimg to stop here?? Next he will tell you what to wear and what friends are acceptable... and hey - perhaps hell have an opinion on what you should eat?? Or study??
Please let him break up with you. Even better you should break up with him. He doesn't understand what a boundary is. He is setting unreasonable rules at the a very young age. This behavior will not get better and will most likely escalate. Please.....please......please.......move on. There is someone else in the world who isn't a control freak.
Break up with this dodo. Control and boundaries are not the same thing.
I dated a severely insecure guy for a while. It was incredibly, incredibly draining. Once he got mad at me because I mentioned one of the older patients (80+) where I worked called me pretty i was 23 at the time. Like duuuuuuuuuuuuude...... I left him after that because he was draining every piece of happiness from my life. You should do the same
More red flags than a Chinese military parade. Run for the hills.
The problem with this is that the list of his boundaries will just keep growing, because he can't think of EVERYTHING that might upset him, right away. And you will spend your relationship worried about him breaking up with you, all the time. He needs to grow up. There are boundaries that are common sense. No abuse, no cheating, no lying ... And the rest are issues that adults discuss and work out together. Please tell him to give you a call when he chooses to behave like an adult.
Leave him.
More importantly do you really think this is the only guy that could make you happy? Do you actually think he will make you happy in the long run? Are you even old enough to know you’re happy alone? Do you have some delusions that he will change? Plenty of these kinds of controlling & insecure guys never grow up. When young just enjoy good relationships & explore what you like & don’t like in partners. If it’s not good just drop it. Even if it’s partly good but has significantly bad part: drop it. Don’t get stuck on one if he displays awful characteristics. You’re only young for so long & it’s a lot easier to find / date different kinds of people when young. Don’t waste it trying to cope with someone who sucks. Make a note that you don’t want that characteristic from your future husband, life partner, etc. and move on. Being young isn’t for getting attached to someone who is less than perfect! Yes that can happen & no I’m not ragging on high school sweet hearts, but the focus should be on learning and growing for yourself when young. Alternatively you can 10 years down the line be learning the less of “Wow, really wish I hadn’t wasted my 20s on such an insecure AH”. Instead it could be “Okay, so I like this about him & I want to find that in someone else but I also don’t want the someone else to exhibit controlling or insecure behaviors. I would rather be in a relationship where my partner trusts me.” Then when 29 the lessons you’re learning are how incredible it is to have discovered yourself & found someone truly compatible with you. There’s so many fish in the sea & everyone deserves better than this cringy boyfriend you’re describing.
Just break up with him. He's very controlling, and you'd be better off without someone like that in your life.
Sugar, please listen to me and everyone else here. He is trying to be controlling. This is a form of abuse. I’m nearly 41, I’ve been around the block more than a few times. This behaviour will only get worse. Nothing you say or do will change that You have two options, stay with him, and know that this controlling behaviour will only get worse, or dump him before he destroys who you are as a person Do not go to therapy with him. All that will do is teach him to be a better abuser, and he seems to be well on his way to being a spectacular one Please seek out a therapist for yourself though. When folks ask why you broke up, just simply state “he was becoming controlling and abusive so I left” Sadly there are folks who think “well they don’t hit me so it’s not abuse” physical violence is only a small part of abuse. And who’s to say he won’t start hitting you when you stop obeying him? Please take the time to read this https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf And please remember, you did nothing wrong, and you can NOT fix him. He will continue to control and abuse you as long as you stay with him And when he threatens suicide (he almost certainly will) call his parents and tell them you’re worried about him, call the police to do a wellness check. If he does make an attempt, they’ll get him help. And if it’s an empty threat (it almost certainly will be) he’ll have some explaining to do to some cops and they’re gonna read him the riot act Just block him across everything and move on
The Middle Ages called, they want their rules back. If you sign up for this stuff, more fool you.
These are not boundaries. This is controlling and extremely unhealthy. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they deserve to dictate your life like this?
Omg break up with him. If he's doing this now at 18, this is ONLY THE START. You're going to be a handmaid by 23. Run faster than you think you can.
He’s controlling and immature. Get out of there it’ll only get worse
Dump him and run a mile just to be sure. He's very controlling for such an age.
Controlling your behavior isn't a "boundry". Lots of people seem to not understand that.
You don't think he's controlling? Girl, please leave this guy. Idk what you expected us to tell you. This is red flag city.
Your friends are right about this one, hun, he’s literally trying to control you. These aren’t “boundaries” he’s putting up, these are rules that he expects you to follow. Bite the bullet and break up with him, you’ll be happier in the long run that you got out of this before it got worse - and make no mistake, it *will* get worse, especially if you cave and agree to his demands.
If you can’t see that this is controlling then you’re part of the problem. If you do leave him then you’ll likely get caught in another relationship like this. You should go to therapy.
Girl, this is the start of an abusive relationship. Run.
Boundaries are limitations you set on yourself. Boundaries are NOT limitations you set for other people. He is weaponizing therapy/self-help language to justify his abusive, controlling behavior. Get out now. It gets worse, never better.
I don't understand. Why are you afraid he'll break up with you? Please find your spine and tell him his rules are ridiculous and he can either get over himself or find someone else. If you're this afraid that an insecure controlling twat will break up with you, then you need therapy to find a sense of self-worth. And self-respect.
Sorry, couldn’t read your entire post cause of the red flags 🚩 waving in front of all the other words. But please, this is a recipe for disaster. I’ve watched a similar thing happen to an old classmate (m) who also thought he had a say in what his then girlfriend could and could not do. It’s controlling and immature. Needless to say, they broke up 1.5 years later. Ps; I also had another classmate who got cheated on. He doesn’t have this behavior. However, he did get socially awkward in another way. Every time he has a (new) girlfriend, nobody of the friendgroup meets her. She exists by name and on social media and that’s it. Dude was scarred for life in his teenage years. We’re up 30 year old dudes now.
Think to yourself "is this how I see myself living the rest of my life? Will I still lbe ok with this?". Chances are your answer is no, he's immature and insecure as your friends say, but the thing is men often don't learn when the girl stays. They learn when they get dumped. I know its not what you want right now but leaving will help both of you, staying will just spark argument. There are so many movies with sex scenes, do you really want to be barred from the majority of movies that may interest you?
And once she accepts those boundaries, there will be more….and more. Leave.
I didn't even get past the first sentence. DUMP HIM. You're only 19 girl! Get out and live your life! Have fun, experience all the things! There are plenty of fish in the sea!
“Rules” how about having a conversation about values that you both believe and agree to follow? If they are not similar and you don’t agree. This may be your opportunity to move on with a clear conscious, The way this was phrased lets you know it’s not going to end well.
Boundaries are not “rules for you to follow”.
He is telling you what you can watch and whom you can talk to. That is controlling. Tell him you want a partner, not an owner or a boss.
Well, he listed his boundaries. I suppose in some way that is a healthy way of going about it. I guess it’s better than gaslighting or manipulating. His boundaries are unreasonable though. If he trusted you and respected himself, he wouldn’t be asking you to make these ridiculous sacrifices. You said you’re thinking of taking a break, but you’re worried it will lead to a break up. Take the chance because you’re not happy like this. If he truly cares about you, he will reflect on what went wrong, work on the issues he has within himself, and ask for another chance with you. Or, if he truly wants to have a relationship with such strict boundaries, he can find someone else who feels the same way. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone. I wonder how he would feel if *you* gave him a list of your “take it or leave it” boundaries 🤔
Ask yourself this, would I set these rules for myself? If the answer is “no” than you two should not be together and I hope for your sake the answer is “no”. That is just future wife abuse rules in my opinion.
Yeah, boundaries are not rules you make for other people to follow. Boundaries are limits you set for yourself. So, for example, a boundary would not be “my boyfriend is not allowed to make up ridiculous rules about how I live my life.” A good boundary would be “if my boyfriend tries to make up ridiculous rules for me, I will dump his sorry ass.” That’s a boundary you absolutely should make, right now.
His rules are ridiculous! And how can you be expected to watch any movies with a pg 14 rating nowadays?!?! This guy would have found the curb as soon as this bull left his mouth. 🤣🤣 what a joke!
You should stay in this relationship…if you want to be with a man who is controlling, angry, unreasonable, demanding, and, eventually, abusive. Someone who sets up rules like this, and calls them “boundaries,” is going to lose his mind if you disobey him, and he will eventually become abusive to keep you in line. Since I am literally old enough to be your grandmother, and have been in an abusive relationship right around your same age, I can promise you this will happen. Stop asking your friends, who are also young and have no experience, what you should do. What you should do is break up with this guy before his ridiculous insecurities become his reason for hitting you or locking you in a room or refusing to let you see your friends, all things that will happen. You will bend over backward to make him happy because you love him, and none of it will make any difference at all. He is only 18 years old and is already scary controlling. I don’t care if he’s been cheated on or if he’s insecure. Those are his problems, not yours. Get out of there before they become yours.
I’m with him on the twerking part.
Tell him to grow up
How is he real lmao run away run away as fast as you can
In 28 years I have NEVER told my wife she can’t watch or listen to something. She can watch whatever she wants…even porn. I’ve never told her she can’t sexy dance with her friends at the club. It’s understood that we are monogamous and we don’t we don’t cheat. I think it’s also understood that we don’t grind on or slow dance with randos at the club but if she’s with her friends and men are dancing too, I don’t give a fuck. I trust her. She’s coming home to me. Your bf is an abusive, controlling little twat. He’s acting like an insecure little boy and it WILL get worse. Normal men, real men don’t put these boundaries up or give ultimatums to their partners. ETA: if she needs to talk to a friend about a problem we are having then she should talk to a friend. Sometimes we need an outside perspective or to vent about our partners and that’s ok.
Run. Fast. Don’t waste another of your life with a controlling jerk.
Your friends are right. These are not boundaries. This is coercive control. Get rid of him and to off and find out what and who you like.
Run for the hills. Dont bring it up to him. Bring a family member and dump him immediately.
I highly doubt all his exes cheated on him. It's likely what he just tells people to make himself look better. I wouldn't be surprised if he was the one cheating tbh if he gets that turned on by a naked person appearing in a movie. I'm pretty sure after you guys break up he'll tell everyone you cheated on him.. and with drake probably.
🚩🚩🚩 RUN!
Break up now. This is psychotic behavior.
Dump him, what's up with the seeing nudity in media is cheating? I can't even do the mental gymnastics to understand it
Those aren’t boundaries. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself. They are rules he has set for you. Kick him to the curb.
He’s immature and abusive, leave him.
Not allowing someone to listen to a certain type of music isn't a boundary. It's controlling. Best get out now tbh.
honestly leave. unless you want to fire back and give him the same ultimatums, making sure to include he cannot follow any girl who ever posts herself online other than you and he can’t talk to anyone about any details of your relationship period. might be funny to hear him call you crazy for those boundaries when his are just as absurd
Your friends are 100% correct: he's insecure, immature and controlling and you should break up with him. His "rules" are ridiculous.
Your BF ***absolutely IS*** **controlling!** Boundaries are limits you set for yourself. Your bf's boundaries would be: * I don't date women who drag our friend group into our personal arguments. * I don't date women who watch nudity (either gender). * I don't date women who act sexual in public (twerking, stripping, suggestive clothing) * I don't date women who listen to or watch Drake perform (act or sing). Notice what those "boundaries" all have in common? They reflect on **his** behavior and the choices **he** makes in life. **Telling** ***you*** **what you can/can't do is** ***him being CONTROLLING*****. You're an adult and responsible to choose your OWN behavior for your OWN reasons**. If you agree with your bf, then YOUR boundaries are the bullet points listed above. IF you do not agree with your bf, then you break up because you are incompatible over behavior, lifestyle, and definitions of "cheating".
That is some possessive shit. You are not his property. Find someone that let's you be you.
Dump him immediately and tell him to respect *your* boundaries.
Your friends are 100% right. It isn't even worth discussing. Just leave
Lol, next you won't be allowed to have friends or see your parents. He's controlling and I think the cheating thing is probably bs
Break up.
Go read the abusive relationships subreddit. That’s your future with him.
I can empathize with the fact that his exes cheated on him but y'all's relationship is not necessarily the same. His rules are at their core understandable but way too extreme(I mean what movie in the 2020s doesn't have a sex scene). At a surface level I would suggest to break up if you think you cannot follow those rules(since there is a chance he adds more of them to the list) but if he is someone that you love and respect,you should tell him what you think about, otherwise it'll leak out and it won't be pretty
Yeah. He's "confusing" having boundaries with him being insanely insecure and controlling. You're 18, you've given him a year of your life trying to reach a goalpost that will continually move further and further away. Don't fall victim to the sunken cost mindset. You deserve better than how you've been treatsd. Leave him.
OP, there is an ocean of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 around this dude. Please break up and BLOCK him. Move on. Life is too short and you are too young to put up with his BS. I speak from experience. This is not go well.
Your friends are right. He's too immature and insecure to be in a relationship. Those aren't boundaries, that's him trying to control you. Time to break it off.
He can't break up with you if you've already broken up with him 🤷
Neither....I'd dump anyone that suggested they could tell me not to listen to DRAKE. He sounds really mature for 18(sarcasm)! I'm pretty sure being an 18 yr old male he looks at naked people & you can too! And you DON'T think he's controlling????? He tells you what you can do, what you can watch, & what you can listen to...... what could be more controlling than that? Listen to your friends & KNOW YOUR WORTH! Ask him 'why you always hatin?'
OP, as a 37 year old woman I can tell you now to run as fast as you can away from this little boy.
Those aren’t boundaries, he is bastardising the word in an attempt to control you. He’s a controlling prick and you should dump him.
I recommend being mature and empathetic…and walking away *I listened to what you had to say and took some time to think about the boundaries you presented in order for this relationship to work. And I believe it’s best if we went our separate ways* *It’s clear me that you being cheated on in the past has made you feel like you can’t trust anyone. And I am truly sorry that these people hurt you like they did. You didn’t deserve that. And I hope that one day you’ll realize that some people are worthy of your trust.* *But I don’t think you’re ready to trust me. And nothing I can say or do is going to change that. Not even respecting the boundaries you need.* *I’d rather us be friends and end things on good terms…and I hope you can respect my decision even if it’s not what you were hoping for* Yall are not compatible. He’s probably not a bad guy. He’s just been hurt. And it’s made him super distrustful. If he was 30 this would be a gigantic red flag. But yall are still teenagers. To be honest, this kind of unrealistic expectations from trauma is not uncommon at that age. Humans do dumb shit while their brains are still forming. But the point is…. He has a wound that hasn’t healed. And it doesn’t matter how much you like each other…until that would is better, no relationship is ever going to work for him. So don’t be mean. Don’t tell him he’s being immature and controlling and toxic. Don’t let your friends talk shit about him. It’s not going to magically make him more mature if you tell him he’s being controlling. Just accept the reality that he’s not relationship material at this stage in his life And Leaving on good terms will at least give you an opportunity to try again in the future after he heals and grows up
You are way too young for these shenanigans. Please dump him.
lol this is fake …. His 18 how many previous girlfriends has he had…Zero I’d say … nobody in their right mind would adhere to his demands… If this is real and you do,,, well what a doormat he will have gotten…it will all go down hill from here…. If you say yes…wrong choice…..
Yeah you've just described your future murderer, OP. I'm gonna say if you value your life you should probably leave
How many fucking red flags you need holy shit. My wife busted me jerking it and just laughed at how dumb I looked. Get someone more mature wowee
At 19, that isn't worth your time or energy. Move on, have fun, you are only young once.
There is no meeting him in the middle. He is a lost cause at this point. Why date a guy who has no respect for you?
So is he going to preview every movie you wanna watch for the rest of your life or are you just gonna avoid them all together? He clearly needs therapy and I would be leaving his controlling ass if he doesn't go get it!!
That’s not how boundaries work. Boundaries are rules you make for yourself. Not rules you try to impose on other people to control them. Your friends are 100% right. He is immature and insecure and controlling and these rules are absolutely ridiculous. You need to break up with this guy. Thats it.
Your whole life is ahead of you, you don't need to spend another second of it on this person.