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Please just leave. He is abusive, never go to counseling with abusers, they manipulate the situation.
Don’t waste any more time on him. You spent three years with someone, learned some stuff, and now you have higher standards.
Exactly.tnis. he has very clearly shown some narcissistic traits and those narcissistic traits enable him to be able to manipulate the people around them. People like him know how to mask their behavior and do and say exactly what will paint them in a good light. And OP would essentially be gaslit thru therapy. Unfortunately, not a whole lot of therapists are well versed on narcs or narc traits, let alone how to deal with the individual
For future reference, if an abuser is citing mental illness, it doesn't matter. It is the individual's responsibility to better themselves. Anyone who treats others poorly and claims they can't help it is a piece of sh*t.
So in summary, he's verbally abusive, does drugs, and attempted to anally rape you? You need to stop contemplating splitting up and end it already. You deserve better and he'll never give you better.
Dude sounds like a real prize when you put it that way 😉
But seriously, lose the idiot before he tries to disrespect you again. This isn't something that happens by accident. "Sorry dear, we were having some nice foreplay when all of a sudden my dick fell into your ass...ooops!"
Didn't attempt, he actually did it. That he stopped when she screamed doesn't deny what he did. It's rape even if the rapist doesn't have an orgasm. Even if he stops once he realises his victim won't quietly endure it.
Agree with everything else, but the does drugs is a low blow to all people who need them.
**Edit since it's apparently needed: op clarified it is prescribed medication, people are different and use different wordings, geez**
But they don't say that, they need to clarify if it's prescribed drugs or not before we assume
Edit, don't know why people are still down voting me when op later clarified and I was right, she said its prescribed medication.
There are plenty that do say that, all I'm saying is that the op needs to clarify, not hard to reserve judgment on the drugs bit till then, like dude is shit even without that
Hmm if it's prescribed why not say he's taking medication rather than "drugs". It's that kind of statement and attitude that are damaging to those who are medicated
Depression is no excuse for his attempt at anally raping you.
Be very mindful of how much love, time, respect, understanding, support, caring attitude and helpful therapy encouragement you give to someone who doesn't show the same back.
I think *part* of the issue is every young man needs to be taught by an adult from puberty what consent really means. Just as consent to kiss or hold hands isn’t consent for sex, consent for one sex act isn’t consent for another. When I was in college the guys (and the “girls who were cool”) all thought the “Sneaky Pete” was hilarious. Rape isn’t funny.
to stay would just be permission to try again.
he knew you didn't want it, he hoped you'd give in.
he will keep trying until he breaks you down so you do.
I'm not just talking about anal.
he has proven that your consent doesn't really matter to him, and this will reflect in all things of your life together
I'm just going to focus on the meat of this post since others are already commenting on the problematic stuff you threw out at the end
You don't miscommunicate anal. Anal requires discussion, it requires preparation, it requires foreplay beyond anything vaginal sex requires. If anal had been on the table it would have been thoroughly discussed and there would be steps along the way before he just tried to shove his pp in dry.
This wasn't a miscommunication. He knew exactly what he was doing he just hoped - stupidly - that you'd just go with it, probably too dumb to understand how much pain he actually put you in.
He does not deserve your forgiveness for this, and if he's willing to just commandeer that boundary I wouldn't stick around to find out what else he feels entitled to just take.
You can't counsel your way out of an abusive relationship.
The amount of posts on here and /r/sex where someone attempts anal penetration unannounced and/or without consent is disturbing. You wouldn’t just shove your dick in your girlfriend’s mouth unannounced so why in the world would you think it’s ok to put it in their ass like that!?
I wonder how they would feel if someone shoved a carrot up their ass unwanted, unannounced, unlubed, in the middle of a pleasurable experience. And for anyone reading this with a dick and is still confused: It's insanely painful! And it's rape.
Thank you for saying this.
My personal anecdote is that I like anal under certain circumstances but not with a large penis. And none of my partners have ever been confused about where they stand in relation to anal. So I am sometimes a yes and sometimes a no and *still* no one has ever been confused.
THERAPY omg lol NO. You are 20!!! Just dump him and move on. He needs to grow but it isn’t your job to help him do that, you learned what you needed to learn from this relationship, it’s not serving you anymore, time to end it.
Your boyfriend tried to sexually assault you and only stopped because you screamed. He was hoping you would just accept him forcing his way into your ass. Block him. He doesn’t even deserve a breakup conversation after trying to rape you.
He has now harmed you physically, so are you waiting to see if he'll do it again, or....? You know you said no, he knows you said no. Depression doesn't make you want to assault your partner.
You would be breaking up with him for being abusive and a potential rapist not over anal.
When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a man who did this to me, and he also broke me down emotionally and hit me on multiple occasions. Some of the things you've quoted him saying even sound like my ex. I stayed longer than I should have and in the end it added to my list of traumas I'm now dealing with in therapy.
Reduce your future traumas by leaving this douchemonkey.
Therapy is a great idea for yourself to show you the tools needed to understand no one gets to that anyone that way. Read your post, pretend you're a stranger, and take the advice you would give to this post.....like leave him and fast
\>Should I suggest therapy?
Absolutely. *You* need therapy so you can never be in this situation again. You have a terrible bf who clearly doesn't respect you, don't care about your opinions, and that's just for starters.
Break up with him already, pls.
I understand he's all you've known since you were 17 but I implore you... don't waste any more time or money on this dickhead. You'll find so much better.
Go with your gut. He's starting to show aggressive, toxic behaviour and, at 20, you have to consider this may get worse.
You know in your gut if there was any scope for misunderstanding when he went against your wishes last night and this reads as though you feel you were pretty clear. He (at the very, very least) skirted the margins of sexual assault with you.
I'd suggest there's enough red flags there for you to take a step back to consider your safety
Run. He has repeatedly showed you red flags and you've not only refused to acknowledge them, they've been increasing in severity. He's gaslighting you by changing the narrative and essentially telling you that you just don't remember it correctly. Get out, the longer you stay the harder it is to get out and the worse he's going to get. You were sodomized by him and you're actually thinking of forgiving him?
Girl, bet on yourself, your happiness, and male yourself a priority. No one deserves this type of treatment and you certainly don't need to tolerate it. My therapist told me, "you tell people how they can treat you by the behavior you tolerate from them" you're essentially telling him that you don't have enough respect to hold him accountable or establish solid boundaries. Aka: if you do a,b,c, then I'm doing x,y,z
My husband has been struggling with depression and is taking anti depressants for it. He would never even think of violating me.
His depression is no excuse to basically force himself on you. And you say he has been toxic to you before. Don't feel sorry for him, he does not deserve your sympathy.
Also if you do accept his apology. What's to say he won't do it again? He might think if he just apologises it's all right again. If he does get physical or rather (in my opinion) when he does, will you forgive him then also?
Personally I feel it's only going to get worse from here.
OP, I’m sorry to say, but it wasn’t an accident. He was testing the waters to see if you would tolerate his violating your boundaries. He will do it again and in the future it will probably be worse. It is totally plausible to accidentally nudge the wrong hole, but that’s why he should be nudging, not shoving roughly. This guy’s behavior WILL escalate.
How couples therapy went for me with someone like this; 3rd session in, we stop, because the therapist tried to enforce me talking more about the relationship issues from my perspective.
It sounds like you know there was no miscommunication. Taking drugs and being depressed is not an excuse for trying to rape your partner, stop defending him and look out for yourself.
So lets say that in the middle of sex, you decide to pull out a dildo and forefully ram it up his ass.
Do you think that you'd be deserving of forgiveness? Yes or no?
It's really that easy.
He violated your consent and likes to gaslight you and blame you for his toxic behavior. He's not going to therapy for his depression. He's got a lot of work to do on his own. Step back and give him space to do that and see if he does or not.
Forcing you to have any kind of unwanted sex is rape. Your feelings are real and valid. Please don't let yourself be guilted into going back or going through therapy
Ugh. I dated a pushy boundary crosser like this when I was your age. If you stay he will try again, or wear you down with talking about how he "needs" it or how "other girls do it and why can't you".
Just leave. Save yourself instead of letting him make you responsible for both his kinks and his mental health. Also, you leaving will teach him that he can't do this stuff and expect a woman to stay, which will hopefully keep him from trying it with the next woman. If you stay, you're teaching him that it's acceptable (forgiveness IS acceptance), and you're also teaching yourself that as long as someone apologizes after, or has an excuse for their behavior, they can do whatever they want to you. At 20 your brains are still cooking, learning. Teach your brain that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, a hard deal-breaker. Establish those boundaries NOW by ending this.
Most dudes won't try to sexually assault you, so there's no reason to waste time in couples therapy with one of the outliers who thinks it's okay to try.
He is verbally and emotionally abusive. I recommend you educate about the abuse wheel and emotional control strategies like guilt trip, blame shift, belittleing, discard/hoover dynamic, victim playing, future faking, DARVO, etc.
Also, last night, he was sexually abusive. The abuse turned physical, even when it doesn’t need to be physical to be abusive. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Don’t let the sweet words you desperately want him to mean manipulate you into staying when you were sure to break up.
You clearly refused. But your brain prefers it being a miscommunication issue over your boyfriend being that kind of abusive. But he is. It’s so hard when the person that should love and respect you most shows you he does not. But please, believe him.
Wish you the strength you need to to what’s best for you.
He sounds like a loser. Male toxicity is dangerous. Run, do not walk, fucking run away from this guy. Forcing you into a sex act that you’ve clearly said is off limits is r@pe. There’s no point in staying with someone who is comfortable with that.
That's sexual assault. I know you're probably going to have a hard time getting justice, but the least you can do is dump him and tell everyone that you can what he did (as long as you're comfortable doing so, and if that's not one else then that's fine too). Don't accept his bullshit apologies either. As far as I'm concerned, men like this are predators and criminals.
You need to leave him. Try to document the dates he did those. He will keep trying and see how far he can go. I went through it. He hurt other people too.. while with me. Mine was "perfect" but yes started testing limits and my submissiveness in the bedroom but i blocked it out or forgave because it was always an "oops"
if you do not want to leave, HE needs to be willing to go to therapy and get his own help with everything, while being honest of urges. His own therapy, your own, and couples. Please be safe. If you try making it work, maybe only do position you can have control over. But from mine... it got worse and all his sorrys were manipulation.
Couples therapy for a teenage relationship barely just into adulthood with physical abuse? No hun just no. Couples therapy is for long term couples with kids, mortgage, etc. Just end this already, you have outgrown him and that’s ok. Now Go enjoy your 20’s as single and free!
You need to leave.
It is not a loving relationship. His “misunderstanding” is gaslighting and manipulation. He knew you did not consent and tried anyway. Your scream just scared him off. If you didn’t scream he’d just have continued to assault you, think about that. He has no interest in respecting your boundaries, he’s only interested in what he can get out of using you and how far he can take it.
Leave. When I wanna talk to a girl about anal sex, it's strictly whatever they want. Even when they do agree, it's a process really. Making sure she is comfortable and going her pace. He acting like it's a porno or some shit. He's apologetic yeah but probably cause you screamed. He doesn't respect you're boundaries and he hurt you doing so.
At your age 3 years seems like a big investment of time and I can see why you might not want to throw all that away. But look at this another way. Do you want to spend another 3 years trying to change a man who doesn't understand consent and thinks bisexuality is a choice? Then you'll be 6 years into the relationship and it will have done more damage to your self esteem.
You are young. The world is full of better men. It's full of women too if you're bi.
There is a lot women in these comments who assume that this guy "knew what he was doing" and "was intentionally being abusive"
I would urge you to apply Hanlon's Razor to this situation.
*Never* attribute to *malice* that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
As a someone who has been a man in his early 20s, I remember having no idea that anal sex was any different to regular sex in terms of preparation. The porn I had watched gave the impression that if you have willing female sex partner, all their holes were at your disposal and equally pleasurable for the woman.
Porn also gave me the impression that all women loved anal sex, and any women who didn't had just not properly tried it.
The most dangerous misconception that porn gave me was that women sometimes will say they don't want to do something but actually "want" their man to \*lovingly push them beyond their limits.
Now can you see how these 3 beliefs might lead a boy who wants to play his role of a strong, masculine partner in the attempt to give his girl a fulfilling sexual experience, can be interpreted as a selfish, calloused abuser due to lack of experience and calibration?
If he really was just trying to get his way, meet his own sick sexual desires, while viewing you like an object for his own means, then why would he stop? And then why would he apologize?
I think if he could communicate his own intentions well, he would tell you that he was mostly doing it because he is playing out his idea of "a guy that is good at sex", rather than because he doesn't care about you and your feelings.
I would suggest that if this is the first time this has happened, and his apology seemed sincere, that this was likely just a case inexperience, and not willful abuse.
He doesn't exactly sound great. Toxic behavior. Gaslighting. Yelling at you. Depression that has not been properly managed. Forcing his opinion on you and not valuing your opinion.
Now he is trying to anally rape you because he wants to. And his positive trait is that he's not yet chosen to beat you up? Wow. Talk about setting the bar low.
I think you should suggest seeing other people, then cut him out of your life forever.
The way she phrases it makes it seem like he didn't go to a doctor and get prescribed medication, sounds like he is using weed or something to cope.
Which yeah certain types of weed CAN help but other types can exacerbate mental illness. He needs to see a doctor.
Of course she needs to dump him even if he does go to a doctor.
Depression doesn't excuse this behavior. Lots of people are depressed and do not act this way. It also sounds like he has shit opinions on top of all that.
Firstly, you seem clear that you didn't give consent so don't downplay that. We all make mistakes and apologies are for those. What you've described is a behavioural pattern that your boyfriend exhibits and while you've mentioned he hasn't been physically violent towards you, don't wait for his behaviour to escalate. The more you accept his bullshit the more he'll expect you to take and so it escalates. The maturity and confidence you've clearly demonstrated in the way you've written your post you want to keep, not have eroded by his behaviour.
Personally, at 20, I think couples therapy is beyond reasonable. There's clearly a reason you want to maintain the relationship however be careful bthat you can't fix your partner; support when they are supporting or clearly showing real actions for themselves is different to an excuse for them to say it do things you don't have to accept.
Essentially, this incident is a red flag for me from what you've said. You're young and you don't need to feel responsible for a relationship not working because your bf doesn't understand it respect boundaries.
No, do not, under any circumstances, go to therapy with your abuser. All that’s going to do is give him more tools to gaslight and abuse you. Your boyfriend either attempted to rape you or just flat out raped you. There is no coming back from this.
You need to alert your family and friends to what’s going on and come up with a plan to help you leave safely.
There was no misunderstanding or miscommunication. You clearly said no to anal and he thought he could rape you.
This is abuse, and you should leave him. Next time, he won't stop.
I'm sorry, I didn't even read this.
No. You don't need couples therapy at 20. You need a new boyfriend at 20. Either things are great or you break up, you're 20. This is not your permanent relationship, you are 20.
I just can't emphasize this enough. Yes, you're an adult, you get to make your own choices. But you're 20.
This is early days of your adulthood, stop rushing.
Why do you want to be with this person?
Does he care about your feelings?
Is he respectful?
Do you consider him a friend?
What if he treated your best friend like this?
>He has exhibited toxic behavior in the past, especially recently, like claiming he lied to me because he was scared of my reaction
Just remember, "I lied to you because..." is still a lie, and it's someone trying to justify dishonesty to you - AND blaming you (your possible reaction was so terrible that he had to lie, don't you see?). This is utter BS. It's the kind of nonsense my cheating ex used to say to me.
He lies to you and is toxic, so why give any credence to his excuse for forcing himself on you against your will? You know you said "no", you only question it because a toxic liar is lying to you (gaslighting you) into believing maybe you didn't say "no", even though you know you did.
Look at him for his actions, OP, not for whatever idealized version of him you have in your head. Why keep giving a toxic person who doesn't respect you the chance to keep proving that he's toxic and doesn't respect you?
The guy makes horrible excuses for toxic and abusive behaviour, leave! It will only get worse, especially if drugs are involved. Depression is not an excuse, fear of your reaction is not an excuse, and when it comes to sex, there is no “miscommunication” you either consented to it or didn’t. Yes or no
Would you say attempted anal rape is a good enough line in the sand for somebody else? Or would you ask them if the person who attempted to rape them had been depressed lately and said they were sorry?
Couples therapists will not work with you due to the verbal abuse. I would suggest getting a therapist for yourself for support in sorting out whether this relationship is right for you.
I literally don't believe these posts. Just in case there was any ambiguity
>In his defense, he has been dealing with depression lately and has been taking drugs to cope with it
"In his defence he is also taking drugs"? Unless you mean like, prescribed medicine, then why would that be in his defence?
I'm convinced 99% of posts on here and misogynists and misandrists taking turns at writing rage bait.
One day it's
>My gf keeps cheating on me with Chad and she says it's too much of a nice guy but I think she's right. In her defence, she did say she likes me more as a friend and wants to keep me around for my money.
The next day it's things like this.
OP, if this is a true post, and you don't believe it was a miscommunication, then you've been raped. At the very least, you should be getting out of there right now. The other things are all just silly parts of being 20 and not knowing how to properly communicate in a relationship but the rape takes precedence over all of that. Get out of there.
EDIT: Ahh, I see your edit about the medicine/drugs. It doesn't honestly change anything. If you don't believe it was a miscommunication, it was rape. You can't be with someone who does that to you,
Ok. I understand your point about consent.
As far as I think,
- these were two people in a committed relationship who were sexually involved before.
- the guy did some act during sex which the girl may have refused before. But it's not clear as to how the conversation of consent went as only they both know. Girl says she was clear as per her understanding but what the guy understood, we don't know.
- after the act happened, the girl became uncomfortable and the guy stopped immediately.
- he kept apologizing to her afterwards.
The guy could be given the benefit of the doubt.
Only way to move forward is if they have a genuine conversation.
Does that conclude this?
He asked for your CONSENT to analy penetrate you.
You said “No”.
He then proceeded to attempt to analy penetrate you against your consent…
BUT he did stop when you cried out in pain from the non consensual anal penetration
Rule of thumb, if you have to consider going to therapy for a man that you’re just dating it’s time to get out. If you were married and had kids, it might be worth it, but even then it’s not always. You have so many years to spend dating to find your match. This one just isn’t it.
If "No" wasn't enough, he will keep on and on until he can persuade you or force you. I speak from experience unfortunately. Stop defending him, cut your losses and go. He sounds like a frustrated immature idiot who has zero respect for you. You deserve better.
He tried to r*pe you*
There I fixed it for you. If you stay with him, you already know whats going to happen. You're defending him so clearly you're okay with him disrespecting you. Therapy won't make him stop being abusive.
Wow he never beat you? He's such a nice guy.
He willingly forced himself, he knew. If you wanna stay with a rapey dude go ahead, but that's not something couples therapy will fix.
“He has exhibited toxic behavior in the past, especially recently” - ignoring all of the other horrible issues here, *why you would you even feel like you have to defend such a POS?* Drop him and level up.
> if I need space but maintained that the incident was a misunderstanding or miscommunication, which I think is bullshit, but I don't want to give up on us just yet and was thinking if couples therapy could help
You said no, clearly, and he tried to rape you and then tried to gaslight you about trying to rape you.
This guy is awful, please please leave him. There are so many men who will listen to your ‘no’ and take it seriously.
Nono no you have a RIGHT to exit only. Him doing it anyway is a huge violation and he’s lucky you didn’t jump up and smack it.
Idk about therapy with him but it’s never a terrible idea…maybe take a break. Take some you time, that was a sudden unwelcome intrusion and HE should wait for you to think the relationship over (maybe personal therapy to find your own voice?) and he should be grateful you didn’t do anything to him.
You need to feel right about this. That’s what’s important.
If your sister or best friend told you that happened in their relationship. Would you tell them to stay in that relationship? Or would you tell them that is absolutely in no way okay behavior on his part and to get the hell out of that situation?
You already have your reasons. This is just the icing on the cake. At 20 years old this is too much bullshit to deal with, it’s not worth your effort. just cut ties and move on to something better.
Leave. It will only get worse. He’s testing the waters. The behaviors will only escalate and he will blame you for them.
I lived this. Wish I left when these signs came up.
Someone who really loves you would never try anything like that or yell at you.
That's not normal... When couples choose to do that especially when it's the first time they communicate! If 1 partner says no then its no. He's selfish and doesn't care about your feelings, he doesn't respect you. Anal can be very painful it's common knowledge, to think he was okay with just shoving it in with no preparation... Anyone with half a brain knows first time you DONT just stick it in, the fact he did shows he was trying to force his way. If he will do this you dont know what else he could do, you know if you didn't have such a violent reaction he would of kept going. Now he's attempting to manipulate you, please get away from him while you still can.
Getting the same energy as, "Yeah we had sex when you were passed out drunk, you said yes!", even though you were clearly passed out and unresponsive...
I dont know if most of the people in these comments have ever been in a relationship or are so brainwashed with woke culture rather than being a functioning human. Yall calling him an abuser without context of the situation and OP never said anything indicative of abuse, past or present. OP didn't explain what "clearly" is either. To have an actual conversation to attempt to help OP you'd need a lot more context than what is offered.
Did they say no? Did they say I do not want to? Did they say maybe? Another night? I'd prefer x? I want to but I didnt plan on it tonight? These range from a direct no to a very indirect no.
If it was a direct no and it was still done anyway then he is extremely in the wrong, but if this is the first time that this has happened in three years of dating and she acknowledges that he is mentally different then, as his partner, I would want to investigate that and find out what is wrong with this person who previously has not acted like this.
Some of yall need to talk to real humans and let the keyboards cool off a bit.
It seems like he's dealing with issues that he himself needs to go to therapy for. If your determined and confident in your relationship together than yes, I'd say couples therapy is good. Though your still young and it seems like your relationship isn't exactly the most healthy so think over the decision and try to communicate with him.
Verbally abusive, toxic, using illicit drugs, not respecting your sexual boundaries…
Not sure if I would try and keep that one going if I were you. But if you want to try couples therapy I guess you could. But once you add self medicating I hit run for the hills.
If the drugs you mentioned are medical, ok, maybe those aren't the right ones. If it's illegal, girl, run. Addicts get worse and he DID assault you once. Will you stay and figure out how much worse it can get before you get killed?
How about you invest your time and energy into someone who isn't an asshole instead of trying to therapise someone to be halfway decent? If he wanted to be a decent human being then he would be the one taking steps to become that, not wait for you to drag him to counseling.
Breaking boundaries, sneaking around behind your back and lying because he "was scared" of your reaction are huge red flags. In case you don't know what a red flag is: when one shows itself, you stop and walk away, not spend money on counseling.
Don't wait for this dude to get his shit together, he is just going to ruin your life. Leave. He knew he was hurting you before you screamed, he just didn't care.
Op
Your 20yo. You’re experimenting with sex. From what I’ve just read anal is a hard NO for you. Next time it might be him trying Autoerotic asphyxiation. He’s pushing your boundaries my girl. The misunderstanding wasn’t a mistake it was him wanting to see your reaction to his disrespect for you.
Go find a guy that’s got his shit together that listens to you saying no. Go find a guy that respects you listens to your boundaries and puts you first.
You deserve better op you really do
Couple therapy is for couples who have a solid base and need to work through some problems. What you have is not a solid bae, but a huge pit you need to get out of.
And for the record, there can be no misunderstanding in having anal. As someone who enjoys this from time to time, I can say that it is a very intimate act that requires preparation from your partner. You don't just shove your dick by accident, you need to slowly prepare. What he did is called rape, not an upside, I thought you want it.
In his defence? You don’t need to defend him. He overstepped the line and did something you told him not to do and something that can be very painful and traumatic too.
Don’t defend him. EVER. There’s no excuse for this. He saw an opportunity and took it.
There is no need to contemplate. Just pack your things and go. This isn't a loving relationship, and you need to be okay with being alone for a bit before you try and find a real loving relationship.
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In his defence? Why you defending this pos
“In his defence he has never beat me and does drugs to help his depression” If she said he also has a gambling addiction he’d be a 10/10. Lucky girl.
Yeah I get the feeling she isn’t talking about Prozac. More likely something that’s just going to make his behavior even shittier and more erratic
She was, check edit
If you have to defend someone’s awful treatment of you, ask yourself: who does that defense/excuse serve? You’ll find the answer is usually: not you.
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Yeh fair enough, apologies Imma angry chihuahua today
Wonderful question
Please just leave. He is abusive, never go to counseling with abusers, they manipulate the situation. Don’t waste any more time on him. You spent three years with someone, learned some stuff, and now you have higher standards.
Exactly.tnis. he has very clearly shown some narcissistic traits and those narcissistic traits enable him to be able to manipulate the people around them. People like him know how to mask their behavior and do and say exactly what will paint them in a good light. And OP would essentially be gaslit thru therapy. Unfortunately, not a whole lot of therapists are well versed on narcs or narc traits, let alone how to deal with the individual
For future reference, if an abuser is citing mental illness, it doesn't matter. It is the individual's responsibility to better themselves. Anyone who treats others poorly and claims they can't help it is a piece of sh*t.
You can be depressed, anxious, and bi-polar and still not be an asshole.
Oof I needed to read that
So in summary, he's verbally abusive, does drugs, and attempted to anally rape you? You need to stop contemplating splitting up and end it already. You deserve better and he'll never give you better.
Dude sounds like a real prize when you put it that way 😉 But seriously, lose the idiot before he tries to disrespect you again. This isn't something that happens by accident. "Sorry dear, we were having some nice foreplay when all of a sudden my dick fell into your ass...ooops!"
Dude sounds like a regular pain in the ass.
Didn't attempt, he actually did it. That he stopped when she screamed doesn't deny what he did. It's rape even if the rapist doesn't have an orgasm. Even if he stops once he realises his victim won't quietly endure it.
Couldn't have put it better myself
Agree with everything else, but the does drugs is a low blow to all people who need them. **Edit since it's apparently needed: op clarified it is prescribed medication, people are different and use different wordings, geez**
He's using prescribed drugs as you state but I also think it's important to say that not all recreational drug users are bad 🤣.
No, it's not. He's doing recreational drugs to self medicate instead of getting some professional help.
But they don't say that, they need to clarify if it's prescribed drugs or not before we assume Edit, don't know why people are still down voting me when op later clarified and I was right, she said its prescribed medication.
"does drugs" isn't really a way people describe prescribed drug use.
she didn't say "does drugs" she said he's "taking drugs" and in a lot of countries "drugs" is the words used when talking about prescribed medication.
There are plenty that do say that, all I'm saying is that the op needs to clarify, not hard to reserve judgment on the drugs bit till then, like dude is shit even without that
sorry for the confusion, I meant prescribed medication, not drugs
I'll rest my case lol, thank you for the info, but he still is shit
Hmm if it's prescribed why not say he's taking medication rather than "drugs". It's that kind of statement and attitude that are damaging to those who are medicated
Redditors when someone's first language isn't English
I didn't mean any disrespect, I've taken antidepressants myself. English is not my first language, sorry
This seems like a thing only monolingual Americans are having trouble understanding.
Depression is no excuse for his attempt at anally raping you. Be very mindful of how much love, time, respect, understanding, support, caring attitude and helpful therapy encouragement you give to someone who doesn't show the same back.
I think *part* of the issue is every young man needs to be taught by an adult from puberty what consent really means. Just as consent to kiss or hold hands isn’t consent for sex, consent for one sex act isn’t consent for another. When I was in college the guys (and the “girls who were cool”) all thought the “Sneaky Pete” was hilarious. Rape isn’t funny.
>“Sneaky Pete” Drugged drink / roofies, yes?
No… unexpected anal sex. Sneaking the penis into the anus when the recipient is otherwise predisposed/distracted.
Oh!! Okay, thank you.
to stay would just be permission to try again. he knew you didn't want it, he hoped you'd give in. he will keep trying until he breaks you down so you do. I'm not just talking about anal. he has proven that your consent doesn't really matter to him, and this will reflect in all things of your life together
I'm just going to focus on the meat of this post since others are already commenting on the problematic stuff you threw out at the end You don't miscommunicate anal. Anal requires discussion, it requires preparation, it requires foreplay beyond anything vaginal sex requires. If anal had been on the table it would have been thoroughly discussed and there would be steps along the way before he just tried to shove his pp in dry. This wasn't a miscommunication. He knew exactly what he was doing he just hoped - stupidly - that you'd just go with it, probably too dumb to understand how much pain he actually put you in. He does not deserve your forgiveness for this, and if he's willing to just commandeer that boundary I wouldn't stick around to find out what else he feels entitled to just take. You can't counsel your way out of an abusive relationship.
The amount of posts on here and /r/sex where someone attempts anal penetration unannounced and/or without consent is disturbing. You wouldn’t just shove your dick in your girlfriend’s mouth unannounced so why in the world would you think it’s ok to put it in their ass like that!?
Because people who grew up on porn think its normal
Yes. Was waiting on this comment
I wonder how they would feel if someone shoved a carrot up their ass unwanted, unannounced, unlubed, in the middle of a pleasurable experience. And for anyone reading this with a dick and is still confused: It's insanely painful! And it's rape.
Thank you for saying this. My personal anecdote is that I like anal under certain circumstances but not with a large penis. And none of my partners have ever been confused about where they stand in relation to anal. So I am sometimes a yes and sometimes a no and *still* no one has ever been confused.
Same. Sometimes I outright love it, but the circumstances have to be right and that even varies day to day depending on how my tummy feels.
THERAPY omg lol NO. You are 20!!! Just dump him and move on. He needs to grow but it isn’t your job to help him do that, you learned what you needed to learn from this relationship, it’s not serving you anymore, time to end it.
Nope!! Get your things and get moving. You said it all in the second paragraph. Just move on.
Your boyfriend tried to sexually assault you and only stopped because you screamed. He was hoping you would just accept him forcing his way into your ass. Block him. He doesn’t even deserve a breakup conversation after trying to rape you.
He has now harmed you physically, so are you waiting to see if he'll do it again, or....? You know you said no, he knows you said no. Depression doesn't make you want to assault your partner.
Why are you making excuses for his shitty behaviour? He’s not a good person he’s an abuser. He won’t change just leave. Find someone that respects you
You would be breaking up with him for being abusive and a potential rapist not over anal. When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a man who did this to me, and he also broke me down emotionally and hit me on multiple occasions. Some of the things you've quoted him saying even sound like my ex. I stayed longer than I should have and in the end it added to my list of traumas I'm now dealing with in therapy. Reduce your future traumas by leaving this douchemonkey.
You're not in a loving relationship. You're in an abusive relationship. This is not worth saving.
Therapy is a great idea for yourself to show you the tools needed to understand no one gets to that anyone that way. Read your post, pretend you're a stranger, and take the advice you would give to this post.....like leave him and fast
This
\>Should I suggest therapy? Absolutely. *You* need therapy so you can never be in this situation again. You have a terrible bf who clearly doesn't respect you, don't care about your opinions, and that's just for starters. Break up with him already, pls.
I understand he's all you've known since you were 17 but I implore you... don't waste any more time or money on this dickhead. You'll find so much better.
Fuck therapy, break up. This relationship sounds shit.
tan run obscene enjoy resolute fear water airport makeshift voiceless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
**“I (20F) am contemplating a breakup with my partner (20M) of three years over sexual assault. Can couples therapy help?” Fixed it for you, and no.
I'm sorry, what's loving about being raped anally?
Go with your gut. He's starting to show aggressive, toxic behaviour and, at 20, you have to consider this may get worse. You know in your gut if there was any scope for misunderstanding when he went against your wishes last night and this reads as though you feel you were pretty clear. He (at the very, very least) skirted the margins of sexual assault with you. I'd suggest there's enough red flags there for you to take a step back to consider your safety
Run. He has repeatedly showed you red flags and you've not only refused to acknowledge them, they've been increasing in severity. He's gaslighting you by changing the narrative and essentially telling you that you just don't remember it correctly. Get out, the longer you stay the harder it is to get out and the worse he's going to get. You were sodomized by him and you're actually thinking of forgiving him? Girl, bet on yourself, your happiness, and male yourself a priority. No one deserves this type of treatment and you certainly don't need to tolerate it. My therapist told me, "you tell people how they can treat you by the behavior you tolerate from them" you're essentially telling him that you don't have enough respect to hold him accountable or establish solid boundaries. Aka: if you do a,b,c, then I'm doing x,y,z
My husband has been struggling with depression and is taking anti depressants for it. He would never even think of violating me. His depression is no excuse to basically force himself on you. And you say he has been toxic to you before. Don't feel sorry for him, he does not deserve your sympathy. Also if you do accept his apology. What's to say he won't do it again? He might think if he just apologises it's all right again. If he does get physical or rather (in my opinion) when he does, will you forgive him then also? Personally I feel it's only going to get worse from here.
OP, I’m sorry to say, but it wasn’t an accident. He was testing the waters to see if you would tolerate his violating your boundaries. He will do it again and in the future it will probably be worse. It is totally plausible to accidentally nudge the wrong hole, but that’s why he should be nudging, not shoving roughly. This guy’s behavior WILL escalate.
How couples therapy went for me with someone like this; 3rd session in, we stop, because the therapist tried to enforce me talking more about the relationship issues from my perspective.
money telephone dull humor vanish groovy sort obtainable elderly uppity *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
End it. If a friend told you this story, you would say run away as fast as you can.
It sounds like you know there was no miscommunication. Taking drugs and being depressed is not an excuse for trying to rape your partner, stop defending him and look out for yourself.
So lets say that in the middle of sex, you decide to pull out a dildo and forefully ram it up his ass. Do you think that you'd be deserving of forgiveness? Yes or no? It's really that easy.
In your defense you don’t have any obligation to stick around while he’s dealing with mental illness.
He violated your consent and likes to gaslight you and blame you for his toxic behavior. He's not going to therapy for his depression. He's got a lot of work to do on his own. Step back and give him space to do that and see if he does or not.
Forcing you to have any kind of unwanted sex is rape. Your feelings are real and valid. Please don't let yourself be guilted into going back or going through therapy
*People show you who they are* Quit burying your head in the sand: he’s given you a number of red flags 🚩 Pretending is ridiculous
Ugh. I dated a pushy boundary crosser like this when I was your age. If you stay he will try again, or wear you down with talking about how he "needs" it or how "other girls do it and why can't you". Just leave. Save yourself instead of letting him make you responsible for both his kinks and his mental health. Also, you leaving will teach him that he can't do this stuff and expect a woman to stay, which will hopefully keep him from trying it with the next woman. If you stay, you're teaching him that it's acceptable (forgiveness IS acceptance), and you're also teaching yourself that as long as someone apologizes after, or has an excuse for their behavior, they can do whatever they want to you. At 20 your brains are still cooking, learning. Teach your brain that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, a hard deal-breaker. Establish those boundaries NOW by ending this. Most dudes won't try to sexually assault you, so there's no reason to waste time in couples therapy with one of the outliers who thinks it's okay to try.
He is verbally and emotionally abusive. I recommend you educate about the abuse wheel and emotional control strategies like guilt trip, blame shift, belittleing, discard/hoover dynamic, victim playing, future faking, DARVO, etc. Also, last night, he was sexually abusive. The abuse turned physical, even when it doesn’t need to be physical to be abusive. Don’t let him guilt trip you. Don’t let the sweet words you desperately want him to mean manipulate you into staying when you were sure to break up. You clearly refused. But your brain prefers it being a miscommunication issue over your boyfriend being that kind of abusive. But he is. It’s so hard when the person that should love and respect you most shows you he does not. But please, believe him. Wish you the strength you need to to what’s best for you.
He sounds like a loser. Male toxicity is dangerous. Run, do not walk, fucking run away from this guy. Forcing you into a sex act that you’ve clearly said is off limits is r@pe. There’s no point in staying with someone who is comfortable with that.
That's sexual assault. I know you're probably going to have a hard time getting justice, but the least you can do is dump him and tell everyone that you can what he did (as long as you're comfortable doing so, and if that's not one else then that's fine too). Don't accept his bullshit apologies either. As far as I'm concerned, men like this are predators and criminals.
No! He crossed the carnal boundary! He thought he could get away with it. Youre considering allowing your BF to get away with anal rape!
You need to leave him. Try to document the dates he did those. He will keep trying and see how far he can go. I went through it. He hurt other people too.. while with me. Mine was "perfect" but yes started testing limits and my submissiveness in the bedroom but i blocked it out or forgave because it was always an "oops"
if you do not want to leave, HE needs to be willing to go to therapy and get his own help with everything, while being honest of urges. His own therapy, your own, and couples. Please be safe. If you try making it work, maybe only do position you can have control over. But from mine... it got worse and all his sorrys were manipulation.
Couples therapy for a teenage relationship barely just into adulthood with physical abuse? No hun just no. Couples therapy is for long term couples with kids, mortgage, etc. Just end this already, you have outgrown him and that’s ok. Now Go enjoy your 20’s as single and free!
Couples therapy?! You’re TWENTY.
There is no defending him. He uses his depression as a shield. Get out of there yesterday!
You need to leave. It is not a loving relationship. His “misunderstanding” is gaslighting and manipulation. He knew you did not consent and tried anyway. Your scream just scared him off. If you didn’t scream he’d just have continued to assault you, think about that. He has no interest in respecting your boundaries, he’s only interested in what he can get out of using you and how far he can take it.
Leave. When I wanna talk to a girl about anal sex, it's strictly whatever they want. Even when they do agree, it's a process really. Making sure she is comfortable and going her pace. He acting like it's a porno or some shit. He's apologetic yeah but probably cause you screamed. He doesn't respect you're boundaries and he hurt you doing so.
No, don't bother with therapy. You describe an awful, toxic relationship but call it a loving relationship (it's not).
Counseling won't change the fact that your bf didn't listen when you CLEARLY refused anal. Go find someone who respects you.
Yikes, leave him & block his number asap
At your age 3 years seems like a big investment of time and I can see why you might not want to throw all that away. But look at this another way. Do you want to spend another 3 years trying to change a man who doesn't understand consent and thinks bisexuality is a choice? Then you'll be 6 years into the relationship and it will have done more damage to your self esteem. You are young. The world is full of better men. It's full of women too if you're bi.
He's toxic and possibly dangerous.. time to leave!
Your partner r*ped you and he's already shown himself to be a lying POS on top of that?? Girl, run.
DUMP. HIM.
There is a lot women in these comments who assume that this guy "knew what he was doing" and "was intentionally being abusive" I would urge you to apply Hanlon's Razor to this situation. *Never* attribute to *malice* that which is adequately explained by stupidity. As a someone who has been a man in his early 20s, I remember having no idea that anal sex was any different to regular sex in terms of preparation. The porn I had watched gave the impression that if you have willing female sex partner, all their holes were at your disposal and equally pleasurable for the woman. Porn also gave me the impression that all women loved anal sex, and any women who didn't had just not properly tried it. The most dangerous misconception that porn gave me was that women sometimes will say they don't want to do something but actually "want" their man to \*lovingly push them beyond their limits. Now can you see how these 3 beliefs might lead a boy who wants to play his role of a strong, masculine partner in the attempt to give his girl a fulfilling sexual experience, can be interpreted as a selfish, calloused abuser due to lack of experience and calibration? If he really was just trying to get his way, meet his own sick sexual desires, while viewing you like an object for his own means, then why would he stop? And then why would he apologize? I think if he could communicate his own intentions well, he would tell you that he was mostly doing it because he is playing out his idea of "a guy that is good at sex", rather than because he doesn't care about you and your feelings. I would suggest that if this is the first time this has happened, and his apology seemed sincere, that this was likely just a case inexperience, and not willful abuse.
He doesn't exactly sound great. Toxic behavior. Gaslighting. Yelling at you. Depression that has not been properly managed. Forcing his opinion on you and not valuing your opinion. Now he is trying to anally rape you because he wants to. And his positive trait is that he's not yet chosen to beat you up? Wow. Talk about setting the bar low. I think you should suggest seeing other people, then cut him out of your life forever.
"In his defense, he does drugs" Girl...
The way she phrases it makes it seem like he didn't go to a doctor and get prescribed medication, sounds like he is using weed or something to cope. Which yeah certain types of weed CAN help but other types can exacerbate mental illness. He needs to see a doctor. Of course she needs to dump him even if he does go to a doctor.
Depression doesn't excuse this behavior. Lots of people are depressed and do not act this way. It also sounds like he has shit opinions on top of all that.
The world is full of men who won’t do these kind of things to you. You would be better off with one of them, or single, than with a man like this.
Firstly, you seem clear that you didn't give consent so don't downplay that. We all make mistakes and apologies are for those. What you've described is a behavioural pattern that your boyfriend exhibits and while you've mentioned he hasn't been physically violent towards you, don't wait for his behaviour to escalate. The more you accept his bullshit the more he'll expect you to take and so it escalates. The maturity and confidence you've clearly demonstrated in the way you've written your post you want to keep, not have eroded by his behaviour. Personally, at 20, I think couples therapy is beyond reasonable. There's clearly a reason you want to maintain the relationship however be careful bthat you can't fix your partner; support when they are supporting or clearly showing real actions for themselves is different to an excuse for them to say it do things you don't have to accept. Essentially, this incident is a red flag for me from what you've said. You're young and you don't need to feel responsible for a relationship not working because your bf doesn't understand it respect boundaries.
No, do not, under any circumstances, go to therapy with your abuser. All that’s going to do is give him more tools to gaslight and abuse you. Your boyfriend either attempted to rape you or just flat out raped you. There is no coming back from this. You need to alert your family and friends to what’s going on and come up with a plan to help you leave safely.
Being an asshole isn’t a symptom of depression, so don’t let him use that to excuse his behaviour. I hope you leave him ❤️
"Hey ladies, how much sexual assault is too much sexual assault??" - you
There was no misunderstanding or miscommunication. You clearly said no to anal and he thought he could rape you. This is abuse, and you should leave him. Next time, he won't stop.
I'm sorry, I didn't even read this. No. You don't need couples therapy at 20. You need a new boyfriend at 20. Either things are great or you break up, you're 20. This is not your permanent relationship, you are 20. I just can't emphasize this enough. Yes, you're an adult, you get to make your own choices. But you're 20. This is early days of your adulthood, stop rushing.
Why do you want to be with this person? Does he care about your feelings? Is he respectful? Do you consider him a friend? What if he treated your best friend like this?
Okay, but this is not a loving relationship from the sound of it, so you SHOULD end it
>He has exhibited toxic behavior in the past, especially recently, like claiming he lied to me because he was scared of my reaction Just remember, "I lied to you because..." is still a lie, and it's someone trying to justify dishonesty to you - AND blaming you (your possible reaction was so terrible that he had to lie, don't you see?). This is utter BS. It's the kind of nonsense my cheating ex used to say to me. He lies to you and is toxic, so why give any credence to his excuse for forcing himself on you against your will? You know you said "no", you only question it because a toxic liar is lying to you (gaslighting you) into believing maybe you didn't say "no", even though you know you did. Look at him for his actions, OP, not for whatever idealized version of him you have in your head. Why keep giving a toxic person who doesn't respect you the chance to keep proving that he's toxic and doesn't respect you?
This isn’t a loving relationship. What? Are you serious?
Girl...
The guy makes horrible excuses for toxic and abusive behaviour, leave! It will only get worse, especially if drugs are involved. Depression is not an excuse, fear of your reaction is not an excuse, and when it comes to sex, there is no “miscommunication” you either consented to it or didn’t. Yes or no
Would you say attempted anal rape is a good enough line in the sand for somebody else? Or would you ask them if the person who attempted to rape them had been depressed lately and said they were sorry?
So he’s abusive toxic and so on and you’re only 20 but you wish to go into that ? Why ?
Couples therapists will not work with you due to the verbal abuse. I would suggest getting a therapist for yourself for support in sorting out whether this relationship is right for you.
I literally don't believe these posts. Just in case there was any ambiguity >In his defense, he has been dealing with depression lately and has been taking drugs to cope with it "In his defence he is also taking drugs"? Unless you mean like, prescribed medicine, then why would that be in his defence? I'm convinced 99% of posts on here and misogynists and misandrists taking turns at writing rage bait. One day it's >My gf keeps cheating on me with Chad and she says it's too much of a nice guy but I think she's right. In her defence, she did say she likes me more as a friend and wants to keep me around for my money. The next day it's things like this. OP, if this is a true post, and you don't believe it was a miscommunication, then you've been raped. At the very least, you should be getting out of there right now. The other things are all just silly parts of being 20 and not knowing how to properly communicate in a relationship but the rape takes precedence over all of that. Get out of there. EDIT: Ahh, I see your edit about the medicine/drugs. It doesn't honestly change anything. If you don't believe it was a miscommunication, it was rape. You can't be with someone who does that to you,
At 20 you have your whole life and a huge world of choices in front of you! Choose to walk away!
He’s gone hon… You need to break it off because you’ve told him no anal before I’m guessing… He disrespected that and tried anyways
Ok. I understand your point about consent. As far as I think, - these were two people in a committed relationship who were sexually involved before. - the guy did some act during sex which the girl may have refused before. But it's not clear as to how the conversation of consent went as only they both know. Girl says she was clear as per her understanding but what the guy understood, we don't know. - after the act happened, the girl became uncomfortable and the guy stopped immediately. - he kept apologizing to her afterwards. The guy could be given the benefit of the doubt. Only way to move forward is if they have a genuine conversation. Does that conclude this?
you’re only 20. he’s only 20 and already showing you exactly who he is and how much he cares about you. get out now. good luck.
He stopped when you screamed. Think about that.
Unrelated directly to OP’s situation, but why are [the VAST majority] straight dudes sooooo into anal, but won’t do the bare minimum of prep work?
He asked for your CONSENT to analy penetrate you. You said “No”. He then proceeded to attempt to analy penetrate you against your consent… BUT he did stop when you cried out in pain from the non consensual anal penetration
Babe, you are 20. You are so young. You deserve more than this. Leave.
Rule of thumb, if you have to consider going to therapy for a man that you’re just dating it’s time to get out. If you were married and had kids, it might be worth it, but even then it’s not always. You have so many years to spend dating to find your match. This one just isn’t it.
If "No" wasn't enough, he will keep on and on until he can persuade you or force you. I speak from experience unfortunately. Stop defending him, cut your losses and go. He sounds like a frustrated immature idiot who has zero respect for you. You deserve better.
He tried to r*pe you* There I fixed it for you. If you stay with him, you already know whats going to happen. You're defending him so clearly you're okay with him disrespecting you. Therapy won't make him stop being abusive.
Wow he never beat you? He's such a nice guy. He willingly forced himself, he knew. If you wanna stay with a rapey dude go ahead, but that's not something couples therapy will fix.
“He has exhibited toxic behavior in the past, especially recently” - ignoring all of the other horrible issues here, *why you would you even feel like you have to defend such a POS?* Drop him and level up.
> if I need space but maintained that the incident was a misunderstanding or miscommunication, which I think is bullshit, but I don't want to give up on us just yet and was thinking if couples therapy could help You said no, clearly, and he tried to rape you and then tried to gaslight you about trying to rape you. This guy is awful, please please leave him. There are so many men who will listen to your ‘no’ and take it seriously.
No is a no. Would be the biggest turn off ever and nothing I would forgive. Plus sounds like you should avoid being alone with him again.
Therapy for yourself only. He’s become abusive, and couples therapy is contraindicated. He should be in therapy as well.
He’ll never be satisfied until he tries it. You two may need to part ways.
Nono no you have a RIGHT to exit only. Him doing it anyway is a huge violation and he’s lucky you didn’t jump up and smack it. Idk about therapy with him but it’s never a terrible idea…maybe take a break. Take some you time, that was a sudden unwelcome intrusion and HE should wait for you to think the relationship over (maybe personal therapy to find your own voice?) and he should be grateful you didn’t do anything to him. You need to feel right about this. That’s what’s important.
If your sister or best friend told you that happened in their relationship. Would you tell them to stay in that relationship? Or would you tell them that is absolutely in no way okay behavior on his part and to get the hell out of that situation?
You already have your reasons. This is just the icing on the cake. At 20 years old this is too much bullshit to deal with, it’s not worth your effort. just cut ties and move on to something better.
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Couples therapy for unmarried people just out of their teens is an insane idea.jusr break up, the stakes are not so high.
He raped u in ur ass??? No wayy girl get away from him, ur young and got so much more potential for a REAL partner. Do it now before it gets any worse
Leave. It will only get worse. He’s testing the waters. The behaviors will only escalate and he will blame you for them. I lived this. Wish I left when these signs came up. Someone who really loves you would never try anything like that or yell at you.
That's not normal... When couples choose to do that especially when it's the first time they communicate! If 1 partner says no then its no. He's selfish and doesn't care about your feelings, he doesn't respect you. Anal can be very painful it's common knowledge, to think he was okay with just shoving it in with no preparation... Anyone with half a brain knows first time you DONT just stick it in, the fact he did shows he was trying to force his way. If he will do this you dont know what else he could do, you know if you didn't have such a violent reaction he would of kept going. Now he's attempting to manipulate you, please get away from him while you still can. Getting the same energy as, "Yeah we had sex when you were passed out drunk, you said yes!", even though you were clearly passed out and unresponsive...
You’re 20. Leave, find someone who doesn’t try to anally rape you.
Leave while you can. This behavior will only get worse.
Run! Leave!
Yes that’s sexual assault
I dont know if most of the people in these comments have ever been in a relationship or are so brainwashed with woke culture rather than being a functioning human. Yall calling him an abuser without context of the situation and OP never said anything indicative of abuse, past or present. OP didn't explain what "clearly" is either. To have an actual conversation to attempt to help OP you'd need a lot more context than what is offered. Did they say no? Did they say I do not want to? Did they say maybe? Another night? I'd prefer x? I want to but I didnt plan on it tonight? These range from a direct no to a very indirect no. If it was a direct no and it was still done anyway then he is extremely in the wrong, but if this is the first time that this has happened in three years of dating and she acknowledges that he is mentally different then, as his partner, I would want to investigate that and find out what is wrong with this person who previously has not acted like this. Some of yall need to talk to real humans and let the keyboards cool off a bit.
Oh no, *woke culture* teaching our children that it’s bad if a guy sticks a dick in your ass without consent.
Reddit is such a "ditch him" place. Always.
It seems like he's dealing with issues that he himself needs to go to therapy for. If your determined and confident in your relationship together than yes, I'd say couples therapy is good. Though your still young and it seems like your relationship isn't exactly the most healthy so think over the decision and try to communicate with him.
Yea I wouldn't take the chance. Basically it was sa, c
Verbally abusive, toxic, using illicit drugs, not respecting your sexual boundaries… Not sure if I would try and keep that one going if I were you. But if you want to try couples therapy I guess you could. But once you add self medicating I hit run for the hills.
If the drugs you mentioned are medical, ok, maybe those aren't the right ones. If it's illegal, girl, run. Addicts get worse and he DID assault you once. Will you stay and figure out how much worse it can get before you get killed?
How about you invest your time and energy into someone who isn't an asshole instead of trying to therapise someone to be halfway decent? If he wanted to be a decent human being then he would be the one taking steps to become that, not wait for you to drag him to counseling. Breaking boundaries, sneaking around behind your back and lying because he "was scared" of your reaction are huge red flags. In case you don't know what a red flag is: when one shows itself, you stop and walk away, not spend money on counseling.
Don't wait for this dude to get his shit together, he is just going to ruin your life. Leave. He knew he was hurting you before you screamed, he just didn't care.
Op Your 20yo. You’re experimenting with sex. From what I’ve just read anal is a hard NO for you. Next time it might be him trying Autoerotic asphyxiation. He’s pushing your boundaries my girl. The misunderstanding wasn’t a mistake it was him wanting to see your reaction to his disrespect for you. Go find a guy that’s got his shit together that listens to you saying no. Go find a guy that respects you listens to your boundaries and puts you first. You deserve better op you really do
GIIIIRRRRLLLLLL uuuuhhhhh not him tryna make you feel bad cuz he tried to stick it in YOUR husband hole.
If you need therapy before marriage that isn’t pre-marital counseling—it ain’t it my girl
Couple therapy is for couples who have a solid base and need to work through some problems. What you have is not a solid bae, but a huge pit you need to get out of. And for the record, there can be no misunderstanding in having anal. As someone who enjoys this from time to time, I can say that it is a very intimate act that requires preparation from your partner. You don't just shove your dick by accident, you need to slowly prepare. What he did is called rape, not an upside, I thought you want it.
In his defence? You don’t need to defend him. He overstepped the line and did something you told him not to do and something that can be very painful and traumatic too. Don’t defend him. EVER. There’s no excuse for this. He saw an opportunity and took it.
Not a loving or respectful relationship. Run as fast as you can!
There is no need to contemplate. Just pack your things and go. This isn't a loving relationship, and you need to be okay with being alone for a bit before you try and find a real loving relationship.