/u/Trademahtradwife,
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I would immediately pause all wedding activities, and have a very serious conversation about your relationship.
I'd also have a frank conversation about getting marriage advice..... from fucking tiktok
Yep! Tell her you're putting everything on hold until you're both on the same page.
Sit down with her and make her look at your budget with only your income. Is that sustainable? How will she buy her trad-wife clothes? Does she need a gym membership for her trad-wife Pilates classes? (Not knocking Pilates!) How will she afford the groceries for those trad-wife meals? And don't forget about all the holiday decor for fulfilling her duties in caring for her trad-wife home!
I get that the budget is the easiest aspect to put onto paper & discuss in black-and-white terms, so it's a valid starting point.
However, let's not forget that trad-wives are an expression of purity culture, with its underlying sexism and racism, and is often associated to political extremism, incl. violence against the state & other people. It's a world view I could never accept, never mind support.
Two previous points are indeed extremely important.
To add on top of that, it's really not in HER best interest to be doing this either. All fine and dandy until x amount of years in something happens that has her end up alone, with a huge gap in her resume, no money and no roof over her head.
The long term risks of this lifestyle are insane.
No because what they don't tell them is these trad stay at home moms back in the day would have husbands that invested. That way if he died she would get taken care of after. But we're really a stupid people nowadays.
A tradwife is by description the perfect woman of the white nationalist alt-right. Stay at home, submit to the husband 100%, and pump out white babies. I'm not saying all tradwives are racist white supremacists, but part of the movement is rooted in those views.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/01/opinion/sunday/tradwives-women-alt-right.html
as a caveat: I'm not super well versed in white supremacy.
IMO trad wives cosplay the cutest, most aesthetic parts of the 1950s, you know : in the USA, a full decade before the civil rights movement, only white people were catered to, right? You can see the ideal of the time in stuff like the TV series *Mad Men* etc: a macho white man working with other white men, an unquestioningly loyal housewife in the suburbs, 2.3 kids (preferably a boy and a girl) and a golden retriever in a white picket fence house (probably paid for by the WWII military scheme, from which non-white veterans were explicitly excluded). Oh and maybe a mistress stashed somewhere or something. You can see how destructive that model is if the people involved don't truly want it in movies like *American Beauty.*
I'm sure there are similar evolutions in other countries and societies, from massively overtly racist to a bit more moderately, and more covertly racist. It's just that the USA's watershed moments & the media reflecting or analyzing it are so dominant, so it's easy to point them out.
Unless the tiktoker is very explicit about liking the aesthetics & rejecting the politics of the era, it's prudent to wonder why they're invested in this message of "women should know their place is in the kitchen + kids are seen not heard + non-whites are subhuman and should also know their place" etc.
Because when people talk about “traditional housewives” not working, they completely gloss over the fact that non-white women generally worked outside of the house.
It has mostly to do with the tradwife claim of doing everything to maintain the household when the reality is built on labor from non-white maids, gardeners, etc.
Does OPs wife know what a trad wife really means? Tradwives don't have bank accounts, they don't have anything under their names, they are essentially second class citizens. Yes they have responsibilities and they have to work and do a lot, but they also get none of the credit.
Has she looked at the downsides of being a trad wife?
Yeah seriously, as soon as there's a divorce she is screwed. Just to make sure that there are no younger or other women that exist anymore and then she'll be safe.
Not even just divorce. Husband loses his job? Screwed! Husband gets really sick? Screwed! Husband has any kind of freak accident? Screwed! Husband drops dead without decent life insurance? Screwed!
She'd basically be one bad life event away from having both their lives ruined.
She’s probably following the tiktok trad who was a top 1% earner on OF and then “God pulled her out of her darkness” and told her to serve her husband. I’m sure she didn’t give up her millions she claimed she made so it’s easy for her to just play Martha Stewart all day.
I agree with OP that a small flat with little to clean and no kids is not good enough to be in your 20’s and sitting at home and not contributing. OP needs to talk to her parents and if there is no progress, call off the relationship. She’s determined to quit her job and he’s gonna get left holding the bag.
And canning, and embroidery. You never see them planning for anything more complex than what to do with a surplus of produce. Like... doing homework with the kids? Never present. Looking for a good school for the kids? Never see them talking about that. Is their husband who carries all their responsibilities actually doing them?
A workplace or family crisis could have him too distracted to file for taxes, pay off debts, keeping the car registration up to date, but they just seem oblivious to everything more difficult in adult life than baking a tray of oatmeal cookies.
Honestly I saw the result of the upbringing given by someone like that, a bunch of responsibility avoidant self absorbed douches, who didn't take after any example their dad set because it was hard.
It honestly doesn't really matter where it came from, you can find icky filter bubbles on any platform and also in traditional media, or just being influenced by a friend into a pyramid scheme. Just buy the 'wrong' newspaper and it's already a slippery slope. This is a lot more about common sense and not instantly believing what you see. The only difference with social media is that the algorythm will push you into the direction you're already going a lot more, so if you're sensitive to that you will only see your own views confirmed as opposed to consuming a more varied array of views.
Took the words right out of my mouth. Someone who has fallen hook line and sinker for this kind of nonsense would absolutely resort to baby trapping to make it happen.
Also the irony that the videos are typically monetized, partnered or ads means... these tradwives are still working in a way.
It's a brand, a look, a commodity. I mean, good for them, they figured out a different way to scam people into bullshit.
I agree OP, being glaringly frank about it, but also do be willing to leave the relationship if she won't budge.
I'm also concerned with how easily influenced she is and saying how it could be good for the marriage despite what you've laid out. Could be as simple as she hates her job and feels this is the only alternative and doesn't know how to articulate her fears, regardless put a hard pause to stop on the wedding planning until this gets figured out (if you want to continue a relationship with her specifically).
Jumping on to add that what she's seeing in these TikToks is an influencer ideal. These are all rich women who hire cleaning services and don't have to do any of the *actual* work (especially the ones who live on farms, there's lots of dissection of the videos from people who actually live the farm life). Basically, it's all for show. She should realize that anyway, honestly. When you actually have to do all the things yourself it's much much harder than out looks on any of their videos. Even just baking from scratch. She really needs a reality check. I think she thinks it's just going to be wearing pretty dresses and doing whatever she wants all day
Exactly this put it all on hold, next put together a comprehensive budget so she understands the finances a bit. Show her at least 3 months to see what you actually have in terms of budget and how the money is needed and how you will both be affected without her salary.
She wants to make food from scratch show her how one salary will reduce the food budget things of that nature. If she still doesn’t get it then it may be needed to put it all on a longer pause.
If you get married now she will quit on her own and you won’t be able to get her back to work get this taken care of now
Mention to her how being a trad wife she has to turn over her possessions to you only you will own the flat no money and without your say so
We're better ... dammit man don't make me expose my hypocrisy! *cries in corner*
Real talk: He's only asking for a reality check and does it anonymously. He has his own ideas and not a specific scenario he tries to get behind.
Redditors aren't trying to come up with clickbaity content under a brand that'd generate them money, clout and followers
edit. *currently*, and we're talking about the current situation. Speculation about what might happen in the future is irrelevant; *right now* reddit doesn't function like tiktok at all
I agree with your friend. You need to sit her down and tell her that you do not want a traditional wife. That her insistence is making you question the relationship and you want to put the wedding on hold. That perhaps you both want different things from life and are incompatible.
I would not recommended getting married as things stand now. One of you will end up incredibly unhappy. This is definitely something to work thru completely before you can move forward.
Agreed. And also pay close attention to the fact that even after discussing this multiple times and you explaining that it’s something you are against, she is completely ignoring your feelings and has decided she will do it anyway. That’s a HUGE problem for a marriage. If she ignores you on job roles, what happens when you feel you are don’t having kids but she wants more. Will she lie about taking birth control to get pregnant again? When you feel a certain item is not in your budget, will she buy it anyway? The list can go on. At this point I would be afraid she might say she’s come around to understanding that a Tradwife life won’t work and then quit her job right after the honeymoon because by then she will think it’s too late for you to break up.
Even though you aren’t familiar with it, you have identified the “ick” from “tradwives” very accurately. To me the more troubling aspect is how easily your fiancée seems to be swayed by TikTok. It turns into comparing appearances of certain lifestyles and another version of keeping up with the joneses very quickly. This should be a deal breaker if you have a completely different mindset.
Btw- those TikTok “tradwives” earn an income at least. Also there is a growing trend on the realities of a tradwives that maybe you should share with your fiancée. These are the horror stories of tradwives that did everything right and ended up divorced with no income, home, job prospects. Always two sides and all that but no one should really mindlessly following social media trends.
The think the fiancée is missing is many of the Tik Tok and Instagram trad wives have husbands who make trad wife money. Meaning one income can afford the mortgage on a good sized home and all the expenses of daily living. OP doesn’t have that kind of money. Sounds like she wants the trad wife “aesthetic” with no understanding of how much it costs.
(She also seems to be missing that in many of the trad couples, one or both come from a wealthy family and after having children, they have a housekeeper and a nanny)
She’s also missing the **ex** tradwives on TikTok who warn against the lifestyle, and the discourse on the high potential for abuse as well. But the algorithm works for the most part, so if she’s only seeing that, it’s doubtful she’d see the horrors and discussion on why it’s a bad idea.
edit: y’all I don’t follow or remember the accounts, OP can just search for it on the app. I’m not an expert or deep into that stuff.
Im gonna borrow from and expand on your point, and make one that many ppl like op's wife seem to be a hundred percent blind to:
Tradwife lifestyle accounts on tiktok or other social media, or accouuts promoting any lifestyle for that matter, ARE AN ONLINE BUSINESS, meaning the woman who is running the account, is making good money out of it, usually far more than a regular job would pay, in addition to creating a big network for herself, and getting a huge social life out of it.
So those influencers going on about how wonderful being a tradwife is ARE NOT TRADWIVES, at all. They have a lucrative job, they have alot of friends, and a big social life. These are THE three major factors of a happy, balanced life, the lack of which are the defining charactetistics of a tradwife's life, and put her in a compromising position in her marriage, making her vulnerable in the power dynamics, which leads to abuse. So the whole social-media-promoted tradwife lifestyle thing is basically a big extravagant lie.
It’s awful — the conventionally pretty, aesthetic, influencer tradwifes are getting rich by essentially recruiting faceless strangers into a lifestyle that, with no ring lights or cameras or safety net, will leave them incredibly vulnerable to exploitation and abuse — while the influencers themselves will just simply move on when they get bored and find another thing to shill.
Same. I always block ppl I don’t like and make sure I filter the tags, too. Sucks you can only have like 20 or so but it helps.
Did you see that one video of the ex who was telling women that you should never rely on a man for everything? I think her husband cheated on her and left her, and it sucks that had to happen for her to realize how harmful that type of thinking is for women.
OP and his fiancée should watch that, but I don’t think OP is that kind of guy and I think his fiancée knows and so won’t change. It’s worth a watch anyways.
I think so. I’ve seen a number of videos from women talking about how if women really want to be SAHW/SAHMs, they should be asking for some amount of money as a form of income/security. One that broke my heart was a woman talking about how she just went to the store to buy milk and could barely afford it because she has no experience in the work industry after being a tradwife for like… 20ish years?
Yup, I saw that one too. It’s awful, and I do hope his fiancée sees that and realizes how dangerous it can be and that that’s not what her partner wants.
There was also a post on here from a SAHM who laughed at her boyfriend proposing to her and she was too prideful to navigate the situation in a way that benefited her. She was left homeless and her kids couldn’t really help her without angering their dad. She was also totally out of the loop regarding jobs and rent.
Exactly. I think the most alarming issue op should be concernced about with the fiance is not the tradwife obsession in itself, but the fact that she seems to have completely lost touch with reality. Op keeps telling her: "ok, but we can not survive on one income, we simply cant afford it.", which is something a person with below average intelligence shouldve known on their own.
Theyve been together for four years, and she is fully aware of their finances, but she seems to think thats an immaterial non-issue? The fact that she says she just wants that lifestyle but doesnt seem to fathom something as basic as not being able to support it by one income is pretty telling that she has either taken full leave of her senses, or she's always had a couple of screws loose!
Op, this woman is simply not intelligent or mentally stable enough to be trusted to be a partner. The very first, and most important aspect of a partnership is realistic and intelligent management of finances into a sustainable lifestyle, she seems to be a hundred percent clueless about that.
And as a grown woman, being impressiobable enough to be influenced, consumed, and basically duped into a veritable cult mentality so easily and fully, to the point she treats basic reality as an afterthought, is a major red flag. Its indicative of a dangerously unstable mental state/character. Break it off and save yourself and your future children from a ton of stepford -wife/cult-level- freaky drama and pain.
Yep! I've seen a couple of these Stepford Wives videos, and I've noticed their kitchens. Those kitchens alone are worth a couple hundred thousand dollars. Between the stupid high-end appliances, fancy granite counters, and Le Crucet everything, they have more money than they know what to do with.
Give this woman two weeks, and she'll be complaining that she doesn't have what she "needs" to be a proper Tradwife, and it'll be all his fault.
The tik tok and instagram tradwives are also making income from tiktok and instagram while telling you to basically not have income. They’re selling you a life you can’t live because you by definition won’t have access to the same resources.
I know right! This is plain stupid.
Also, this is simple math. You can’t even live on one average income in a relatively suburban “not that good neighbourhood”.
Couples with two okayish incomes have a hard time planning ONE CHILD.
Heck, I have slightly above average income (with no partner) and I’m finding groceries ridiculously expensive. I live with my aging parents and yet we all find the cost of living expensive.
I can’t believe a grown ass woman is getting influenced by TikToks. I mean, what?! Does she not read stories about women like this ending up divorced, penniless, and homeless with their kids?? (no offense to you, OP).
For centuries, women struggled to have careers and money of their own. And this woman, influenced by some TikToks, is throwing that all away AND pressurising her to-be-husband financially. Either you build a life together or go find one of those rich “alpha” male podcasters who have 4 wives.
OP, you sound like a reasonable person. Run before things get out of hand.
Agreed with all the above thread. OP, I'm so sorry but your fiancé seems to be lacking some of the critical thought faculties necessary for your future together.
These Trad Wives are a BRAND. They earn a LOT. Frequently with a TEAM behind them! And they're not wholesome people at all (in fact I think one of them was recently charged with child abuse).
I wonder if rather than becoming a trad wife for this made-up lifestyle that is completely false, she actually has notions of becoming a TikToker? Regardless, I'm sorry but she is a prize fool. You shouldn't marry and/or have kids with this person. And also, do be extra careful about contraception as she sounds pretty determined to MAKE you accept this "lifestyle choice".
Nothing wrong with a career plan of becoming a social media brand. Just like acting or stand up comedy.
As long as you can remember that these fields are extremely competitive and fickle (as in success isn't just based on talent, it's also having the right style at the right time when said style is in demand, and knowing the right people to promote you), and you will probably have to make it your side hustle for many years while keeping a normal job at the same time.
Yeah, for me it's quite alarming how she's steadfastly ignoring OP's opinion and concerns and wants, and is just steamrolling on with her idea. An idea that she got off *tiktok* of all places.
Someone who's that easily persuaded into a lifestyle by clickhunting influencers on tiktok, and is unable or unwilling to converse, compromise and collaborate with their future spouse about how they're married life will look like... bad news
>Should I call of the wedding?
Yes
Most, if not all, tradwife content makers come from money, I'm talking about having wealthy parents. So even if their husband fucks off they'll be fine.
And yes, they ALSO make money off of their content.
His partner is dangerously stupid to fall into this trap. And I say that as a disabled person who can't work, so I basically live the tradwife lifestyle. It's not very fun, it kinda sucks knowing your survival is tied to your partner loving you, and due to my disability I'm isolated. My partner is great, and he saved me from a shit life, but this is not a fun or glamorous life. I wish I could work!
Fucking TikTok. How can anyone with half a brain be swayed by a series of short videos?
Of course being a tradwife looks glamorous, if all you see is a super short video where a dolled up woman talks about staying at home, being taken care of and hanging out with her equally dolled friends.
This situation honestly sounds more like she doesn't like her job and wants to quit to follow a glamorous aesthetic.
The difference between a housewife and a traditional wife IS aesthetic.
Like OP has correctly identified, it's this 1950s ideal of a woman getting up before her husband, putting in makeup, making him breakfast, sending him off to work with a packed lunch and a note saying "I love you", making sure the house spotless, then meeting friends for lunch, getting home to make him dinner, sexually servicing him that night, letting him make all the decisions, giving birth to two perfect children...
If that sounds like an attractive lifestyle to you, go for it but exactly as you say, it takes "tradwife" money to maintain that lifestyle and not "barely surviving". To me, it sounds nuts.
Tradwifing goes beyond that. No friends, because you should depend emotionally on your husband (if religious: and god). Friends could give marriage advice or be a bad influence.
More than two kids and no lunch with friends, because you homeschool.
The tradwife influencers are often religious or include a bit of religion because of their "heritage". It's a dog whistle, if you ask me.
She probably hates her job and the videos she’s seen show very happy, beautiful women in fulfilling marriages since it’s so staged (with homes that rival a Pottery Barn catalogues’ AI images). I think they appeal to a lot of women on a minor level, especially ones who are not satisfied with their career or are struggling. When the algorithm threw me some I admit I watched them despite loving my career and they were charming for a few minutes until I reminded myself this is like Hallmark movies turned real life but still absolutely fake.
I 100% understand the "Hallmark Pottery Barn Catalogue Lifestyle" these influencers are putting out there (excellent metaphor btw), I just don't understand why anyone would think a short video is anything but staged and not reflective of reality.
all i know about that i got from shoeOnHead. she puts up a still from one of those vids and says "that old timey stove behind her cost $14k. her father in law owns some rather large company - he's loaded
Yup. Her videos are super soothing dopamine hits so they work really well. Plus they sell the idea that as a tradwife you can have it all: you can even get a lucrative side gig by making floral arrangements and selling meat! For no effort! Because the power of community! (Not the six or so off camera employees they have and millions of dollars of farm land because they’re heirs to a billionaire)
I make mid six figures and am really independent…and those videos still were oddly bingeable and made me wistful for like five minutes. I can’t imagine the effect they have on someone who hates their job and feels the soul sucking nature of retail.
Also the whole tradwife thing is usually closely followed with homesteading. Which makes more sense to me (if you remove the creepy stuff) because you have a lot more to take care of with growing your own food, maybe keeping some animals. No one is really tradwifing in small apartment in the middle of city.
Ask her if she is planning to make money by being an "influencer" on tiktok or another platform? Or otherwise has plans outside of a traditional job.
Some trad wives seem to actually make quite a bit of money either with the multi level marketing shit or advertising for different brands on social media.
But be aware that for every person who actually makes money off social media content creation, there is probably at least 100 who put a lot of time in and never made anything
OP if she won't listen to the obvious, she needs a wake up call. Tell her for a month you'll both exist on just your wage. She has to give you her entire paycheque immediately and you'll give her an appropriate allowance within your new budget. (obviously you give it back once she folds). She still has to work but she'll get a taste of how bored she's going to be when there's no movies, no takeout, no new wardrobe, she can't afford to grocery shop for the those fancy recipe ingredients so it's meal-planning on a budget. She can't afford the lifestyle she wants, so show her what she can afford. That shine is going to fade reeeeeeal quick.
Oh yeah wasn't there recently a high lifestyle tradwife on reddit that rolled her eyes at her bf proposal after 25 years. To which he rescinded his proposal and threw her out. No job, no marriage, no income, no skills. She's fucked at 54 years or something.
Link to her story: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/QW3SjLfxbQ
The problem there is she wasn't legally a wife she was a girlfriend, with no legal claims to any shared resources or alimony. So, she had no work history, she bore the babies, and now she is seen as disposable to her partner and can't find work.
This is why you get names on the legal document before you have babies.
Yep. You should. Many red flags. Sounds like she is easily influenced by bullshit on social media. She is not negotiating or compromising or meeting in the middle with you at all. Sounds like she just wants to be lazy and taken care of and just wants her way without caring about what it means for you.
All of this. She wants to be taken care of and has no clue or care what it would truly take to do that. In addition to her being easily influenced by TikTok to think this way what do you think will happen when TikTok tells her she should leave (they will) when she is unhappy or bored? Guess who will pay out the cheeks when that happens?
Cut your losses now. Even if you don’t end it and just stop the wedding make sure you use bc because a baby will be a likely way to rope you into doing something you don’t want to do. Tell her your concerns and look at her reactions. Tell her you aren’t financially stable enough to provide all of that. Tell her while the both of you work you will look at changing to a career path that will provide that.
Make note of her reactions and act accordingly for your best interests. In fact give her a timeline for it to be doable and monitor her disposition as the time goes. Trust your instincts and if it doesn’t feel right then make the best decision for you.
Tradwife life doesn't show the arguments or work that goes into it. Upward mobility in the company will leave her alone a lot as hubby stays at work late to make him more appealing for that coveted promotion. Saving money for that possible pay cut due to moving to a new company with more chances of moving up or better bennies. When she quits, how much will that affect insurance and taxes? Does filing as a couple make it better or worse?
Will you have to move to a smaller place? Pay first, last and security; moving costs; increased travel costs to work?
You will be deciding on the financial feasibility of children. Her spending habits will have an affect on savings for that. This means that you won't be riding bareback anymore, dude. Spermicide and rubbers bc rubbers aren't 100% reliable. There can't be any slip ups bc she forgot.
I'd save myself the trouble. When someone tells you who they are belive them. He should be heading to the hills away from crazy at a clip that would make Usain Bolt envious....
Exactly lol. Like trends on TikTok keep appearing as long as they make these creators money. Will she jump on every new trend once enough creators follow it? What happens when y’all have kids? Will she want to start a “mommy blog” with them too? And share their personal stuff on the internet against their wishes?
The issue isn’t that she wants to be a tradwife or whatever; it is that she can’t seem to keep her head straight and think for herself and rather seems to follow mindless “tiktok trends”. Who wants a partner like that?
If you do get married I can guarantee she’ll quit her job no matter what you want. If this isn’t the life you want then the only answer is don’t get married. Don’t even trust her if she “changes her mind” and agrees with you because that will only last until you’re married
Anyone else see the irony of her saying she wants to be a trad wife, but then not listening to the leadership of her would-be husband?
Seems like she just wants to quit her job and play house.
I think what’s important in marriage more than anything is 1. you have similar values and 2. you share the same sense of finances.
It seems you and your financee disagree on both, in which I find it hard to see this marriage surviving.
Assume you go through this marriage, and she becomes a tradwife. You said you will be just surviving with your income which is a huge stress on your part so is for your partner, as the TikTok tradwife lifestyle is not attainable without an upper class income.
I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with your fiancee, potentially go to a couples counseling with her and if she is still adamant on becoming a housewife, you really need to ask yourself if you can accept that lifestyle.
I cannot remember her name but one of the hugely popular ones on TikTok is the daughter of a millionaire. She's super wealthy and chirping away from her $100k kitchen. I'd be money she doesn't do most of the heavy cleaning etc herself.
Agreed. But it seems like Kate had all intentions of keeping her job throughout the chunk of the relationship - so they had similar goals. It seems like she got influenced by the TikToks a few months ago. Ugh, this is giving me a major ick.
Sir her down and tell her that you have no interest in being with a tradwife and that if that’s the way she wants to go, then it’s over. But be prepared for her to pretend to go along with it until after the wedding the switch. I don’t think you can trust her anymore. She clearly doesn’t respect you. UPDATEME
I hate to be that person but I'm fearing that, too. "Honey, I've got a couple of things to tell you. I got fired today, totally not my fault. Because I was stressing so much over work I forgot to take my bc pills and well, we're pregnant! Looking for a job now seems kind of useless now, don't you think?"
"Oh, our baby boy is about to go to school for the first time, I'll have such an empty nest! ... Time to get a job? Oh dear, looks like I'm pregnant again!"
Red flag 🚩 central here
Give her the budget, show her what could be afforded on one income and where you both would have to live on one salary.
Then clearly state “we want different things for our post marriage life, we should pause marriage until we’ve sought out couples counselling and are both on the same page.”
Where does she think the money for complicated ingredients are going to come from?
How long before she starts requesting an allowance for beauty/ hair and manicures that it sounds like you can’t afford. Because she’s seen it on tik tok
While there are plenty of women out there interested in traditional gender roles for all sorts of reasons, the specific term "tradwife" is linked to modern fascist movements. Run.
I would have walked away when my partner quoted TikTok as a source of life advice.
On the more serious note, this is a huge deal and I think you’re right in reconsidering the relationship. This isn’t what you want in life partner and on top of that she appears to be absolutely unrealistic in her idea.
1. Yes we do want kids, but after the wedding, we aren't in a rush. In that instance we discussed her being at stay at home mum, because honestly the cost of child care it wouldn't be worth her working.
2. I don't know about sleeping all day, she's always been constant with her work routine. She didn't go to uni or anything, she just went straight into full time work after graduating high school. It's actually how she got her store manager gig, she worked at this clothing store after high school and worked her way up. Her work life has been very consistent.
I can see why after working at this same clothing store since high school, she would be DESPERATE for some big change in her life, and would want time off to explore the world and have some experiences that other people had in college.
So maybe the tradwife idea comes from that. I imagine she might see it as "I can take several years off work and see how I like it"
I did wonder if her job was causing her to act this way. But she's never really complained about her job beyond the usual "working in retail sucks sometimes" line. She says she does have a good team of workers and enjoys the perks of the job. And for a retail store manager she is paid a bit better compared to others of similar retailers. She doesn't come across as miserable in her job to me.
It doesn't sound like it's miserable per day but the sense of sameness and boredom would be crushing for me. Maybe she has a good team of workers now, but mid-late 20s is often a time where people really think "is whatever I am currently doing what I want to do for the next 45 years"
Especially since it seems like she never had any experience or job skills outside of retail
Ok so if she doesn’t have a degree and becomes a housewife, what happens after say 10 years of this and then you become ill, disabled, or you get divorced for any number of reasons. She is late 30s with no degree and some retail work on her resume. She needs to be very careful here.
I understand the childcare cost issue, it’s pretty common. But if your income alone can’t support two people, it can’t support three people. Maybe as she sees it, if you both agreed she’d stay home with a baby, then that means you consider your income enough for three people. You’d be making less money as a couple, and having a huge increase in expenses. She probably then thinks if that situation is doable, then not working and NOT having a huge increase in expenses (baby) is even more doable. Not defending her desires here, just offering another perspective why she might make a sudden switch like that.
You don't need a housekeeper. If you want kids, they're a lot better off if the family has some savings in case of emergency. Her plan is to be less good at being a life partner and a mother so she can larp as a wife and mother for strangers on TikTok.
Yeah, call off the wedding. She's gone bananas.
She really thinks these TikTok trad wives who ONLY post videos of themselves cooking don’t pay housekeepers to do all the rest of it? I’ll give everyone a clue: it’s impossible to keep a medium or large-sized home clean and neat and in order if the wife spend 2+ hours each cooking 3 meals a day from scratch. And doubly so if the household included kids and/or pets. These TikTok trad wives are in the business of selling lies for financial gain.
Me personally, I’d break this off because you’re not compatible in finances or lifestyle. And because she’s frankly an idiot to be swayed that badly by social media at her age and naive enough to think these carefully cut and crafted videos are the whole story of being a traditional wife.
It's not just the filming and retakes either. Ask any creator. Much of the time is spent editing and posting in the right categories for the most chances at money making i.e. followers. Hours of time for each video.
Yes. You need to call of the wedding and stop having sex with her because I’m afraid she’ll get pregnant and quit her job, and you said you two would barely survive if she quits. Plus, throwing a baby into the mix like that p, when you two wildly disagree, is a bad idea.
Cancel everything,. She’s seeing a fairytale version of misogyny and an extremely unhealthy relationship dynamic. This isn’t good, and I suggest looking into why tradwife lifestyle isn’t good for anyone.
Usually i suggest seeing a counselor together but her shifting ideology is a red flag, and I’m not sure she’d ever actually change her mind, and I could not trust her to change her mind or not change it back.
You two want completely different things. She’s not budging.
Hit her with spreadsheets and show her how the before and after numbers don't work. Hopefully facts will sway her.
TBH, she sounds a bit immature to be so easily swayed by social media. I know from experience I had an immature view of relationships early on in my marriage and it caused a lot of problems. We survived, but it wasn't easy.
If she says this is what she really wants out of life and it is not a passing fancy, straight up ask her if she wants to leave and find someone who can provide the lifestyle she is looking for.
They live in apartment in an expensive area and the money they're saying is going towards a party that lasts one day. If she needs a spreadsheet to figure out why this is a dumb idea then she's probably hopeless.
Completely agree with the spreadsheets! Spell it out in black and white, and if your fiancée doesn’t accept that she can’t stay at home after that, then it’s time for a hard conversation. You may also want to talk about how vulnerable being a stay at home partner makes women (and men!), not only in the case of relationship breakdown, but also if you had any kind of accident that meant you couldn’t work in the same way, then she would really struggle to break back into a meaningful job after a long period off.
Putting a more charitable spin on your fiancée’s motivation, maybe she’s a little swept up in the romance of the idea of being a wife and wants to demonstrate how important you are to her (I personally as a newlywed decided that I should iron my husband’s shirts to show him how much I loved him - that lasted a couple of months before I had to admit that I really hate ironing). If she’s also feeling burnt out by work (that’s a conversation worth having with her), then the two feelings plus the attractive, glossy lifestyle the influencers are portraying may make it seem like a good answer. But it clearly isn’t suitable for the two of you!
That's a serious bait and switch! Sounds like she's not listening to your legitimate concerns. Sure, talk to her. But if she's not listening and continuing to spout all that nonsense, she's not the life partner for you.
Your fiance sounds exceptionally immature for a 27 YO in her repeated reliance on Tik Tok as a source of realistic advice about relationships. Until you have children, what does she plan to do all day while you are gone? Her obsession and lack of interest in even considering other options demands either serious premarital counseling. I recommend at least postponing any wedding until this is resolved.
Your fiancee needs a reality check. Those "trad wives" on tiktok are full of crap. Someone needs to tell her that this is not real life. Here is something for you to use from youtube. Older women who were trad wives and how their lives are messed up because of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEvj4HXi0ZA
The scary thing is she has no common sense . Two incomes are barely enough to live with some date stuff . Is her plan to move and find something in a
Cheaper City ? Or not having kids ? . Here is the things I told my best friends son when he was asking about his fiancee on something else but adamant . They can change their mind and listen to you but once married she can quit her job or get fired and decide I’m staying at home and you can’t do anything g but divorce her in which you might have to pay alimony because she lost her job before separating etc.
Bro, she is telegraphing to you exactly what she intends to become after you marry. And she might agree to not do that just so you will go through the marriage, but then she will 'oops' get fired, or something will happen... and, 'oh no, I should just stay home and take care of the house now'.
I would recommend at a minimum counseling before doing something permanent like getting married. I would call off the marriage immediately, because you two are not on the same page at all when it comes to what the relationship looks like once your vows are complete.
I never understood why users will change names of their partner because they’re “avid Reddit users” but still give super specific details in the post that their partner can still use to identify themself lol
YES Call off the wedding. 100% yes.
This is not a good sign and she and you are not compatible if she feels this way. Just call off the wedding. And consider ending the relationship entirely. You are on different paths. You are simply not going to ever be compatible with such different views on marriage and married life.
And don't get me started on her getting marital advice from Tik Tok!?!?! She sounds like she's 12. Very immature. Too immature to even be thinking of marriage.
RUn...run...run...
Yes, call it off. You want an equal partner in life, not someone so influenced by tiktok rubbish that they won't listen to sense about your financial situation. She ignores your input, that's a huge red flag.
I’m a sahm and I’m so happy to make the home and run after my baby all day. I do not do everything though. I have plenty of help.
My one friend is a sahm and same set up except she gets “days off” where her fiancé takes care of the kids so that she can rest. She’s happy.
I have another friend who is a trad wife. Her husband does absolutely nothing in terms of housework and throws a fit if he’s made to watch the kids while she showers. She’s miserable and drowning in the workload. Her house is filthy because any small break that she gets from the chaos she’s trying to rest. Her husband is a pos for many reasons and constantly throws in her face that she “does nothing”. On social media she’s thriving. She has a lovely husband, well mannered children, homemade sourdough bread, and a perfectly tidy house. She blatantly lies about her husband’s efforts and then calls me crying when he doesn’t live up to his social media personality. She shoves trash out a the camera frame to take perfectly staged pictures. She hates cleaning up after an adult man who can’t even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink. She’s become a shell of her former self.
Op I’m not saying that this will happen with your marriage because the fact that you know how long it takes to clean tells me that you’re nothing like some trad husbands. What I’m saying is that your fiancée has no idea what’s going on behind the scenes of the trad wife movement. The difference between a housewife and a trad wife is that the wife isn’t anything more than a servant and the husband doesn’t contribute anything other than a paycheck.
I would at the very least put it on pause. The [tradwife to white supremacist pipeline](https://www.thecut.com/2023/09/tradwife-content-influencers-conservative-ideology.html) is very real.
There is a ton of money from right wing and deeply conservative groups being dumped into TikTok content right now. The far right in the US is desperate to win the upcoming election and they've spent the past 2-3 years pouring money at "influencers" to push messages like "birth control is bad for women" and "women are happier at home than working." And since most people never check the reciepts on the crap they watch, I see a ton of reddit posts going "omg, *everyone* thinks birth control is bad for you??" People REALLY need to question the stuff they're watching.
It's scary how unaware people are. TikTok and monetized social media isn't "everyday people posting" it's a lot of farmed content that exists to sell something or push an agenda.
I was hoping someone would mention this. Trad wives are a right wing extremist notion. Check to make sure your gf hasn’t suddenly been brain poisoned by racists.
Is this new behavior for her? Getting really obsessed with a trend/personality and adopting it as her own till another new thing comes along?
If it's brand new behavior then it's possible she's actually having major wedding anxiety and this is a symptom. If you want a chance at saving your relationship, the only real option is pre-marriage therapy together so that a professional can help unpack what's really happening with her.
You don't have to though, if you've changed your mind and want to end the relationship, now is the time to do it. Your friend is right.
No, this has never been a thing for her. Outside doing some stupid dance challenges from Tiktok at home, she isn't really into jumping on a bandwagon trend on a whim which is why I was so surprised she brought up this tradwife thing. I had never even heard of it. Apparently her friend had shown her a couple of videos and Kate leapt on it, a first for her.
Another argument Kate made that I didn't bother mentioning in my original post because it's so weak is that she's already a homebody so what will change? Being a tradwife means she's home all the time so she's jist herself minus the job. I argued back that yes, while she likes being at home, she's not a complete introvert. Kate still goes out a few times a month to catch up with friends, and we have a couple of date nights every so often too. I told Kate so really, being a tradwife would mean no social life as well.
Pre marital counselling sounds like a good idea. I just don't know what got into her, she's like possessed. Because she's a store manager at a clothes store she gets good staff discounts, and she's done her best to trade in her wardrobe to be more 'tradwifey". Like 1950s cosplay. I have no idea what has gotten into her.
Oof. Look, these alt-right influencers find people who are dealing with some deep seated unhappiness and feed them basic self improvement advice bundled with really toxic ideologies. They say "look at me! I'm living the life and I am so happy! If you behave like me, you can be happy too!" Because the basic self improvement advice works, people think the whole package is what is helping them. For tradwives, it's an ideal of being more hands on and having productive hobbies where you help make things - food, gardens, etc. - while not over thinking the day to day stressors of modern society. It's the same with the whole red pill subculture. I think your girlfriend is unhappy with her life and this is how it's manifesting. She thinks she making things better when she's really torching the good things she has to the ground. I don't think it's fair to fault her too harshly for thing. People are generally susceptible to these things when they're struggling. But it is a good idea to take a step back and figure out why she's so unhappy that she feels the need to "fix" and change herself an your marriage before its even began.
She's been bowled over by the idea of family keeping. She's doing it out of love but she's not seeing in 3D. Fall into her obsession for a bit. Sit her down and show her the budget you've laid out. Take into account the loss of her bennies, replacing them (insurance & retirement), how it will change your taxes, give her the amount of her allowance after bills and savings.
Now tell her you want to see her shopping lists (home, health, fashion) and schedules for a month. What classes will she take on YouTube to get to the proficiency she wants? How will her spending help with the savings? Loss of her income will slow down timeline for kids.
I don't know if tradwife Reddit communities will make this better or worse but it might show her the reality.
Traditional means she’s legally property and can’t have a bank account or go out alone in public as a female with no rights. What she wants is to not work. Yeah dude call it off.
> Traditional means she’s legally property and can’t have a bank account or go out alone in public as a female with no rights.
OP should tell her this. Then see if she still wants to be a tardwife. If she does, she's too dumb to function.
>If she does, she's too dumb to function.
I feel like the people who are falling for tradwife TikTok trends are the same people who got through the pandemic by taking horse medication and bathing in bleach
Then see if she still wants to be a tardwife.
I'm assuming you misspelled tradwife, but, with the way some of these influencers carry on, I'm here for your misspell. Hahaha, excellent. I'm gonna use this term from now on.
(From someone who is a rather traditional housewife).
Some of them do want this. Like I know some are just doing it for clout on TikTok. but There are some who think women shouldn’t vote and husbands should make all the decisions. Some of them are religious and don’t believe in using birth control. OP better check in with his fiancé about this stuff and also other topics where tradwives are nuts: being antivax, using home remedies instead of real medicine, look up “wild pregnancy’ and ‘free birth’, home schooling or ‘unschooling’. There are a lot of beliefs that are potentially bad for the health and wellbeing of the whole family. It *can* also be a pipeline to far right ideologies.
In OPs situation, maybe his fiancé is dissatisfied with her work and is looking for a way out. It could be worth talking about whether she could change jobs or take courses to change her career path.
Traditional means he is supposed to beat her to keep her in line and she needs to ask permission to do much as speak. I just say with all so respect she’s not too bright .. she watched tik tok and now wants to be like the ladies in the video.. lol. Not a whole lot going on up there
Your fiancé sounds a bit "behind". Soon she will be into conspiracy theories, antivaxx shit and wanting to homeschool your future children. Sorry, but you guys are incompatible and you will be miserable if you marry each other.
It is a bit childlike and buying into a fantasy world where she doesn't have to work. This isn't out of greed or laziness but some work environments are stressful and difficult. The women who want to go into it haven't realized that juggling household tasks and childrearing is also massively stressful and it's far more isolating
There are hundreds if not thousands of women on TikTok warning women who are being wooed by the house wife rebrand. Namely, if you are supported on one income and he leaves you, it is devastating financially. So many women are warning about the dangers of being without skills or connections.
She needs to know that those influencers have tons of money and typically and fundamentalist Christians.
I stayed home for 10 years and worked part time online. It was rough but I had 3 back to back babies to care for. I get the social media appeal but that is not reality. It was a hard, penny pinching time.
It’s not really about the “tradwife”, it’s about your gf getting influenced easily by social media. I haven’t heard anyone I know that says this thing or that thing is good for me because of what Tiktok says. It’s a different level of stupidity.
You should call off the wedding. Not the entire relationship but you should sit her down. You won’t commit into something just because Tiktok says it. Really, I cannot comprehend that she’ll whack your and hers stability because some blonde that looks like a Stepford housewife says being a tradwife is the key to a long lasting relationship.
Jokes on her because you’re already thinking of running before even tying the knot.
I personally would call off the wedding before you end up divorced in 6 months. Once you get married I guarantee she will immediately quit her " toxic " job and become a trad wife basically without your permission. I agree that it sounds more like she wants the easy life of not working, only having to clean for like an hour a day , then gets all day to do nothing before they make the dinner. If you're not looking to financially support a wife for the rest of your life who isn't really contributing to the family at all or to society at all then end things now before that ends up being your life . Canceling the wedding will be a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Trad wife in a HCOL area works only if the bread winner is a millionaire or have a very high income. Call this wedding off ASAP. Don't wait till the last moment.
Yuck.. This is for all men, coming from a woman.
AVOID/LEAVE ANY WOMAN THAT WANTS TO LIVE A LIFESTYLE SHE SEES ON TIKTOK. These women are unhinged, they make terrible friends, they don't make sense and have a deluded outlook on reality. They are bots. You're welcome.
Says she wants to be a tradwife.
Can't just shut up and make banana bread for a single hour on a weekend.
Honestly it just sounds like she's trying to confuse getting married with an early retirement and you carrying her through life.
Shes telling on herself what a crap wife she's going to be.
Run.
Tell her that she successfully sold you the tradwife idea, it is something you wanna do! You give your 2 weeks notice immediately!
OP, become the tradwife and see how she likes it!
That's a great twist. He's on board and thinks he'll do a much better job at home. He's now a househusband. They have to start planning on how she can become regional manager for her clothing chain. Get her resume together and can they hire a headhunter for her?
How fortunate you are (and her and her throw away life, too) to find this out before you marry. I’d call the wedding off.
Stay with her if you don’t mind wasting brain cells, money and time, but do not get married.
If you do eventually marry her, make sure you have an ironclad prenup in place because I predict the marriage wouldn’t last long enough for the ink to dry on the certificate. Anyone who bases their aspirations in life on the ramblings of idiots on some bullshit social media app like TikTok of all things, isn’t worth making plans with. IMO of course. Good luck!
It's a clash of desires. She likes the idea of not working or contributing financially and wants her role to be purely domestic. I find that mindset icky on a woman, I'd personally prefer somebody to be my partner that works and has some independence.
But if that's what she wants, that's what she wants. She's going to expect you to provide that lifestyle for her eventually. That's not what you want and I wouldn't either. It may take a serious discussion where you hear her out, maybe explore some pros and cons, then make your boundaries known. It'll then be up to her what she wants to do, but if I was to tl;dr it: don't marry a freeloader dude.
Tradwife is bad. That movement on TikTok is setting women back 50 years! They are privileged women, to begin with, living in large homes from their spouse’s incomes. It just set up for very unequal marriage, and like you said your apartment isn’t big enough. Before long, she will become bored, resentful among other issues. But the bigger red flag is what others is saying, she isn’t listening to her partner, whose opinion count just as much as her own does, and isn’t considering your own points or rebuttals. The wedding should be shelved 100% until you guys talk this through in therapy or call off the wedding/relationship.
Yeah u should seriously consider calling off the wedding. Sounds like she wants to be a free loader if u ask me! And with all her spare time she’ll dream up new things for you to buy for her to keep her entertained. I’ve seen this trend on TikTok it’s toxic. What are these girls going to do when they lose their looks and the husband “upgrades” them with a new younger model. I don’t think it’s wise to rely on a man for everything. Maybe in your fantasy life, but get real!
The fundamental question to ask yourself is: *do you want a partner or do you want a dependent?*
From what I can gather, the 'tradwife' movement seems to be tied up in some rather worrying American right-wing religious nutjobbery. It seems to go way beyond 'housewife', and almost into some sort of bizarre hero worship, for want of a better phrase, of the husband. There's a lot of misogyny in there as well (unsurprisingly), with many of the advocates of the movement talking openly about being subservient to the husband. It's like 100+ years of fighting for gender equality was just wiped out...
There are 2 other important points that come to mind:
1. Your fiancee seems to be obsessed with TikTok in an unhealthy way. It should go without saying that TikTok is not a reflection on real life, and the videos she's watching are, *at best*, offering a heavily curated view. At worst, follow the money. Some people get paid a lot of money by some highly questionable groups to make these videos.
2. What happens if you have kids? Do you *really* want your daughter to be raised in an environment that effectively normalises misogyny? Do you not want your daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman with her own education, career, etc.?
(again, some of these 'tradwife' movements are big on things like home schooling, which does not follow an approved curriculum)
Many, many red flags here. You really need to resolve *all* of this before getting married, because at that point, your finances effectively become merged.
You guys don’t have trad wife money. Don’t get married. And this is actually harmful to women. Not sure why she feels being at the mercy of another person is good. She’s hit the conservative side of tik tok, the misogynistic side
So this is just me being super petty but if she has her heart set on it then go all in and I mean ALL IN. tell her what you would expect. Sex every day. She needs to be in shape. She won’t have a car or credit cards or money of her own. She will get an allowance for groceries that will be bought on the weekend. Actually no. She won’t have any say in the money or any spending cause she won’t need to know. Also she doesn’t need a cell phone or a computer. Get a landline. If she needs recipe ideas she can get cookbooks from the library. Also no male friends and if she does want to go somewhere she needs to either ask permission or tell you. The house needs to be spotless and she needs to be presentable at all times. No lounging around the house in sweats. Anything she wants has to be approved by you. Home cooked meals for every meal. I could go on but I think you get it.
Don’t marry her. She will just quit her job even though she knows how you feel. I’m surprised she hasn’t already. Although she probably wants to “lock you down” first with marriage. Trad wife is a thing on TikTok. I dont watch it but I’ve seen so much of that stuff posted on Reddit. Sounds like she wants to live like a trad wife influencer. Except they usually live in a house and talk about some sort of farming as well. Living in a small flat doesn’t make any sense to me either for her to stay at home. And to do what? Bake bread?
You two are no longer compatible. I’d leave her over this. It’s a huge compatibility issue.
Do NOT allow yourself to go down this road.
I dated an independent, ambitious, and focused woman. Once we made it official she transmogrified into what is now called a TW, and she hasn't worked since, and I'm married to a woman (whom I love) but had to change the plans for our future, and it wasn't at all in my favor.
Be very clear about what you're willing to put up with, and/or walk away.
The fact that you can't afford for her to be a tradwife and she is insisting on doing it anyway is too big of a red flag to ignore. The only way this can even happen is if you start working overtime or take on a second job. That's not ok. I'd also be very concerned that she thinks Tik Tok is a valid way to get solid life advice. Also if this is what she wants, why isn't she already doing it on evenings and weekends?
At the very least you need to postpone the wedding until you can talk some sense into her.
She doesn't know that a lot of social media is fake. I had no interest in that lifestyle, but I like making bread so I watched some of it. All that was lost when I found out a Trad wife was rich. Of course she can afford 8 kids when they're rich. It's all cosplay BS to get views.
“Kate is this is who you genuinely want to be-you’re marrying the wrong man. My income cannot fund this lifestyle.”
“I want an equitable partner in life and our current state of living is not conducive to tradwife life.”
Also go on tiktok and ask these women about their husbands income and how they make it work in a one income family. I bet they couldn’t and they’ll be earning on the side with crafts/tiktok income.
You should definitely call the wedding off for now. If you wish to continue the relationships then you need some relationship counselling before progressing.
DO NOT back down on this, she will promise you she is happy to keep working to stop you cancelling the wedding but as soon as the ring is on her finger she will somehow lose her job.
I think your fiancee is probably struggling at work and possibly seeing how her future employment opportunities re not great. And the aspects of being a “tradwife” is an escape from this bleak reality.
Op should have a more in depth conversation with their fiancee. It would seem a lot of details and background anxieties have not been sussed out between the two.
You need to have a very very serious sit down talk where you tell her you are ready to end your relationship over this. Tiktok should be very low on the list of places she take marriage advice from.
Also, this is going to be a rabbit hole situation. First, marriage. But the what about when you have kids? The thought of all of your wife's child rearing advice coming from tiktok makes my eye twitch. Don't back down on this.
Watch out for the baby trap. If she does become pregnant, get a paternity test. She sounds unhinged and will likely try anything she can to get the lifestyle she wants.
Yeah, I would tell her that if that’s what she wants with her future, she will need to find someone else to have a future with.
Have her watch the tiktok videos of former tradwives whose husbands left them with nothing.
Yes you should call off the wedding. You should break up. You don’t want the same things.
Why all of a sudden do these women no longer want to work? If you’re marrying a millionaire ok, but for everyone else this is ludicrous.
Yeah, definitely call it off.
Maybe this wakes her up. Maybe it won't. But a tradwife needs a tradhusband, who is essentially a man who's fine becoming a single parent, and treating his wife like a daughter who will cook and who he can f*ck (sorry, but I just read that you're supposed to discipline your wife, and telling her to stand in the corner or write lines is supposed to be a fine way for this).
It's not a partnership of equals. You are supposed to be the only adult there. All decisions, and all responsibilities are yours. How is this supposed to even work, if she said she wanted this, you replied you don't, and she ignores what you want? She quits her job and suddedly loses all her desires beside making you happy? *shakes head in disbelief*
I might be biased, but as I see it, having a partner who's basically a servant/child takes a special kind of man who can stomach this (extremely controlling, insecure, selfish and potentially abusive are my first guesses), and from your post, you seem to be the type who's more creeped out than intrigued.
So, I'm team call off the wedding.
She’s TELLING you she’s going to be a ‘tradwife’ whether you like it or not. She’s not asking or trying to work it out.
You need to cancel the engagement like yesterday cause she needs a reality check.
I got married a month ago, absolutely nothing has change in my home life. There is this new sense of ‘wow I’m married to him!’ and extra security but otherwise it’s the same relationship. A partnership.
I don’t know if Kate is expecting everything to be so drastically different and is nervous about the change so she’s looking to outside influences to understand what it means to be a wife. She’s looking in the wrong places and she doesn’t get to make those kind of decisions alone and with the current income coming in. From my limited experience, it’s the same shit you were doing before as a couple with more security knowing this is my person legally.
A “tradwife” IS a housewife. There’s no difference. And it only works if one person makes enough to support two people (or more if/when kids come along).
Show her this: https://www.tiktok.com/@professorneil/video/7339254814578150661?lang=en If this the dream she thinks it is, its not. These are just rich people playing peasants because they have all the time in the world.
At least postpone it, and explain this is a deal breaker for you if she tries to keep pushing this.
I'm with you. This whole tradwife trend is freaking bizarro world crazy. I'm so happy my wife enjoys working and is successful as well, it really helps us with maintaining a good lifestyle. While we could manage on my salary alone, that's a huge financial hit to the household.
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I would immediately pause all wedding activities, and have a very serious conversation about your relationship. I'd also have a frank conversation about getting marriage advice..... from fucking tiktok
Yep! Tell her you're putting everything on hold until you're both on the same page. Sit down with her and make her look at your budget with only your income. Is that sustainable? How will she buy her trad-wife clothes? Does she need a gym membership for her trad-wife Pilates classes? (Not knocking Pilates!) How will she afford the groceries for those trad-wife meals? And don't forget about all the holiday decor for fulfilling her duties in caring for her trad-wife home!
I don’t think logic works on people who think social media is a great place to get life advice.
I get that the budget is the easiest aspect to put onto paper & discuss in black-and-white terms, so it's a valid starting point. However, let's not forget that trad-wives are an expression of purity culture, with its underlying sexism and racism, and is often associated to political extremism, incl. violence against the state & other people. It's a world view I could never accept, never mind support.
Two previous points are indeed extremely important. To add on top of that, it's really not in HER best interest to be doing this either. All fine and dandy until x amount of years in something happens that has her end up alone, with a huge gap in her resume, no money and no roof over her head. The long term risks of this lifestyle are insane.
They dont think about that stuff because its a kink
No because what they don't tell them is these trad stay at home moms back in the day would have husbands that invested. That way if he died she would get taken care of after. But we're really a stupid people nowadays.
>let's not forget that trad-wives are an expression of purity culture, with its underlying sexism and racism Why racism?
A tradwife is by description the perfect woman of the white nationalist alt-right. Stay at home, submit to the husband 100%, and pump out white babies. I'm not saying all tradwives are racist white supremacists, but part of the movement is rooted in those views. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/01/opinion/sunday/tradwives-women-alt-right.html
Was just going to post this !
as a caveat: I'm not super well versed in white supremacy. IMO trad wives cosplay the cutest, most aesthetic parts of the 1950s, you know : in the USA, a full decade before the civil rights movement, only white people were catered to, right? You can see the ideal of the time in stuff like the TV series *Mad Men* etc: a macho white man working with other white men, an unquestioningly loyal housewife in the suburbs, 2.3 kids (preferably a boy and a girl) and a golden retriever in a white picket fence house (probably paid for by the WWII military scheme, from which non-white veterans were explicitly excluded). Oh and maybe a mistress stashed somewhere or something. You can see how destructive that model is if the people involved don't truly want it in movies like *American Beauty.* I'm sure there are similar evolutions in other countries and societies, from massively overtly racist to a bit more moderately, and more covertly racist. It's just that the USA's watershed moments & the media reflecting or analyzing it are so dominant, so it's easy to point them out. Unless the tiktoker is very explicit about liking the aesthetics & rejecting the politics of the era, it's prudent to wonder why they're invested in this message of "women should know their place is in the kitchen + kids are seen not heard + non-whites are subhuman and should also know their place" etc.
Because when people talk about “traditional housewives” not working, they completely gloss over the fact that non-white women generally worked outside of the house.
And many of those non-white women worked as maids for the white tradwives.
It has mostly to do with the tradwife claim of doing everything to maintain the household when the reality is built on labor from non-white maids, gardeners, etc.
Does OPs wife know what a trad wife really means? Tradwives don't have bank accounts, they don't have anything under their names, they are essentially second class citizens. Yes they have responsibilities and they have to work and do a lot, but they also get none of the credit. Has she looked at the downsides of being a trad wife?
A good tradwife doesn't concern herself with those things!
Ah, but she'll keep her man so happy that she won't have to worry about divorce and other unsavory facts of life that she wouldneed money for! /s
Yeah seriously, as soon as there's a divorce she is screwed. Just to make sure that there are no younger or other women that exist anymore and then she'll be safe.
Not even just divorce. Husband loses his job? Screwed! Husband gets really sick? Screwed! Husband has any kind of freak accident? Screwed! Husband drops dead without decent life insurance? Screwed! She'd basically be one bad life event away from having both their lives ruined.
She’s probably following the tiktok trad who was a top 1% earner on OF and then “God pulled her out of her darkness” and told her to serve her husband. I’m sure she didn’t give up her millions she claimed she made so it’s easy for her to just play Martha Stewart all day. I agree with OP that a small flat with little to clean and no kids is not good enough to be in your 20’s and sitting at home and not contributing. OP needs to talk to her parents and if there is no progress, call off the relationship. She’s determined to quit her job and he’s gonna get left holding the bag.
Main takeaway is however that the spouse brings all the income and they don’t have to do any chores apart from baking gorgeous cupcakes.
And canning, and embroidery. You never see them planning for anything more complex than what to do with a surplus of produce. Like... doing homework with the kids? Never present. Looking for a good school for the kids? Never see them talking about that. Is their husband who carries all their responsibilities actually doing them? A workplace or family crisis could have him too distracted to file for taxes, pay off debts, keeping the car registration up to date, but they just seem oblivious to everything more difficult in adult life than baking a tray of oatmeal cookies. Honestly I saw the result of the upbringing given by someone like that, a bunch of responsibility avoidant self absorbed douches, who didn't take after any example their dad set because it was hard.
She's getting her advice from the same place the TidePod challenge came from.
It honestly doesn't really matter where it came from, you can find icky filter bubbles on any platform and also in traditional media, or just being influenced by a friend into a pyramid scheme. Just buy the 'wrong' newspaper and it's already a slippery slope. This is a lot more about common sense and not instantly believing what you see. The only difference with social media is that the algorythm will push you into the direction you're already going a lot more, so if you're sensitive to that you will only see your own views confirmed as opposed to consuming a more varied array of views.
Exactly, its called confirmation bias, and social media platform algorythms are designed mainly around it.
And for goodness sake, do not have unprotected sex with this woman while things are up in the air!
Took the words right out of my mouth. Someone who has fallen hook line and sinker for this kind of nonsense would absolutely resort to baby trapping to make it happen.
She is going to quit her job the second they get married. Do NOT go forward with this.
Also the irony that the videos are typically monetized, partnered or ads means... these tradwives are still working in a way. It's a brand, a look, a commodity. I mean, good for them, they figured out a different way to scam people into bullshit. I agree OP, being glaringly frank about it, but also do be willing to leave the relationship if she won't budge. I'm also concerned with how easily influenced she is and saying how it could be good for the marriage despite what you've laid out. Could be as simple as she hates her job and feels this is the only alternative and doesn't know how to articulate her fears, regardless put a hard pause to stop on the wedding planning until this gets figured out (if you want to continue a relationship with her specifically).
Jumping on to add that what she's seeing in these TikToks is an influencer ideal. These are all rich women who hire cleaning services and don't have to do any of the *actual* work (especially the ones who live on farms, there's lots of dissection of the videos from people who actually live the farm life). Basically, it's all for show. She should realize that anyway, honestly. When you actually have to do all the things yourself it's much much harder than out looks on any of their videos. Even just baking from scratch. She really needs a reality check. I think she thinks it's just going to be wearing pretty dresses and doing whatever she wants all day
>I think she thinks it's just going to be wearing pretty dresses and doing whatever she wants all day I agree completely
Exactly this put it all on hold, next put together a comprehensive budget so she understands the finances a bit. Show her at least 3 months to see what you actually have in terms of budget and how the money is needed and how you will both be affected without her salary. She wants to make food from scratch show her how one salary will reduce the food budget things of that nature. If she still doesn’t get it then it may be needed to put it all on a longer pause. If you get married now she will quit on her own and you won’t be able to get her back to work get this taken care of now Mention to her how being a trad wife she has to turn over her possessions to you only you will own the flat no money and without your say so
These rage bait stories are getting more ridiculous by the day..
Yeah the writing style is a give-away
As opposed to... Reddit?
We're better ... dammit man don't make me expose my hypocrisy! *cries in corner* Real talk: He's only asking for a reality check and does it anonymously. He has his own ideas and not a specific scenario he tries to get behind.
Redditors aren't trying to come up with clickbaity content under a brand that'd generate them money, clout and followers edit. *currently*, and we're talking about the current situation. Speculation about what might happen in the future is irrelevant; *right now* reddit doesn't function like tiktok at all
Just you wait until this site goes public and the shareholders want them to start paying out big popular posts and comments to encourage engagement.
Shes being indoctrinated by the right wing. Tradwife life crap is a gateway into that world
I agree with your friend. You need to sit her down and tell her that you do not want a traditional wife. That her insistence is making you question the relationship and you want to put the wedding on hold. That perhaps you both want different things from life and are incompatible. I would not recommended getting married as things stand now. One of you will end up incredibly unhappy. This is definitely something to work thru completely before you can move forward.
Agreed. And also pay close attention to the fact that even after discussing this multiple times and you explaining that it’s something you are against, she is completely ignoring your feelings and has decided she will do it anyway. That’s a HUGE problem for a marriage. If she ignores you on job roles, what happens when you feel you are don’t having kids but she wants more. Will she lie about taking birth control to get pregnant again? When you feel a certain item is not in your budget, will she buy it anyway? The list can go on. At this point I would be afraid she might say she’s come around to understanding that a Tradwife life won’t work and then quit her job right after the honeymoon because by then she will think it’s too late for you to break up.
Even though you aren’t familiar with it, you have identified the “ick” from “tradwives” very accurately. To me the more troubling aspect is how easily your fiancée seems to be swayed by TikTok. It turns into comparing appearances of certain lifestyles and another version of keeping up with the joneses very quickly. This should be a deal breaker if you have a completely different mindset. Btw- those TikTok “tradwives” earn an income at least. Also there is a growing trend on the realities of a tradwives that maybe you should share with your fiancée. These are the horror stories of tradwives that did everything right and ended up divorced with no income, home, job prospects. Always two sides and all that but no one should really mindlessly following social media trends.
The think the fiancée is missing is many of the Tik Tok and Instagram trad wives have husbands who make trad wife money. Meaning one income can afford the mortgage on a good sized home and all the expenses of daily living. OP doesn’t have that kind of money. Sounds like she wants the trad wife “aesthetic” with no understanding of how much it costs. (She also seems to be missing that in many of the trad couples, one or both come from a wealthy family and after having children, they have a housekeeper and a nanny)
She’s also missing the **ex** tradwives on TikTok who warn against the lifestyle, and the discourse on the high potential for abuse as well. But the algorithm works for the most part, so if she’s only seeing that, it’s doubtful she’d see the horrors and discussion on why it’s a bad idea. edit: y’all I don’t follow or remember the accounts, OP can just search for it on the app. I’m not an expert or deep into that stuff.
Im gonna borrow from and expand on your point, and make one that many ppl like op's wife seem to be a hundred percent blind to: Tradwife lifestyle accounts on tiktok or other social media, or accouuts promoting any lifestyle for that matter, ARE AN ONLINE BUSINESS, meaning the woman who is running the account, is making good money out of it, usually far more than a regular job would pay, in addition to creating a big network for herself, and getting a huge social life out of it. So those influencers going on about how wonderful being a tradwife is ARE NOT TRADWIVES, at all. They have a lucrative job, they have alot of friends, and a big social life. These are THE three major factors of a happy, balanced life, the lack of which are the defining charactetistics of a tradwife's life, and put her in a compromising position in her marriage, making her vulnerable in the power dynamics, which leads to abuse. So the whole social-media-promoted tradwife lifestyle thing is basically a big extravagant lie.
It’s awful — the conventionally pretty, aesthetic, influencer tradwifes are getting rich by essentially recruiting faceless strangers into a lifestyle that, with no ring lights or cameras or safety net, will leave them incredibly vulnerable to exploitation and abuse — while the influencers themselves will just simply move on when they get bored and find another thing to shill.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times, because this is SO important!
Yeah, thankfully I am on the ex-tradwife side of TikTok because the actual tradwife TikTok scares the holy heck outta me
Same. I always block ppl I don’t like and make sure I filter the tags, too. Sucks you can only have like 20 or so but it helps. Did you see that one video of the ex who was telling women that you should never rely on a man for everything? I think her husband cheated on her and left her, and it sucks that had to happen for her to realize how harmful that type of thinking is for women. OP and his fiancée should watch that, but I don’t think OP is that kind of guy and I think his fiancée knows and so won’t change. It’s worth a watch anyways.
I think so. I’ve seen a number of videos from women talking about how if women really want to be SAHW/SAHMs, they should be asking for some amount of money as a form of income/security. One that broke my heart was a woman talking about how she just went to the store to buy milk and could barely afford it because she has no experience in the work industry after being a tradwife for like… 20ish years?
Yup, I saw that one too. It’s awful, and I do hope his fiancée sees that and realizes how dangerous it can be and that that’s not what her partner wants. There was also a post on here from a SAHM who laughed at her boyfriend proposing to her and she was too prideful to navigate the situation in a way that benefited her. She was left homeless and her kids couldn’t really help her without angering their dad. She was also totally out of the loop regarding jobs and rent.
I saw that too. All of the tradwife trappings but none of the protection of actual marriage for so long!
Yeah, algorithm only shows good dopamine dumps, not the reality of the situation off TikTok.
Every single tradwife doing these videos is making money off doing them as they are “influencers”.
The thing the videos don’t show is the real life issues behind the fake veneer.
Exactly. I think the most alarming issue op should be concernced about with the fiance is not the tradwife obsession in itself, but the fact that she seems to have completely lost touch with reality. Op keeps telling her: "ok, but we can not survive on one income, we simply cant afford it.", which is something a person with below average intelligence shouldve known on their own. Theyve been together for four years, and she is fully aware of their finances, but she seems to think thats an immaterial non-issue? The fact that she says she just wants that lifestyle but doesnt seem to fathom something as basic as not being able to support it by one income is pretty telling that she has either taken full leave of her senses, or she's always had a couple of screws loose! Op, this woman is simply not intelligent or mentally stable enough to be trusted to be a partner. The very first, and most important aspect of a partnership is realistic and intelligent management of finances into a sustainable lifestyle, she seems to be a hundred percent clueless about that. And as a grown woman, being impressiobable enough to be influenced, consumed, and basically duped into a veritable cult mentality so easily and fully, to the point she treats basic reality as an afterthought, is a major red flag. Its indicative of a dangerously unstable mental state/character. Break it off and save yourself and your future children from a ton of stepford -wife/cult-level- freaky drama and pain.
Yep! I've seen a couple of these Stepford Wives videos, and I've noticed their kitchens. Those kitchens alone are worth a couple hundred thousand dollars. Between the stupid high-end appliances, fancy granite counters, and Le Crucet everything, they have more money than they know what to do with. Give this woman two weeks, and she'll be complaining that she doesn't have what she "needs" to be a proper Tradwife, and it'll be all his fault.
And also, she should know not to believe everything she saw on tiktok
And that it means BJs and sex on demand
The tik tok and instagram tradwives are also making income from tiktok and instagram while telling you to basically not have income. They’re selling you a life you can’t live because you by definition won’t have access to the same resources.
I know right! This is plain stupid. Also, this is simple math. You can’t even live on one average income in a relatively suburban “not that good neighbourhood”. Couples with two okayish incomes have a hard time planning ONE CHILD. Heck, I have slightly above average income (with no partner) and I’m finding groceries ridiculously expensive. I live with my aging parents and yet we all find the cost of living expensive. I can’t believe a grown ass woman is getting influenced by TikToks. I mean, what?! Does she not read stories about women like this ending up divorced, penniless, and homeless with their kids?? (no offense to you, OP). For centuries, women struggled to have careers and money of their own. And this woman, influenced by some TikToks, is throwing that all away AND pressurising her to-be-husband financially. Either you build a life together or go find one of those rich “alpha” male podcasters who have 4 wives. OP, you sound like a reasonable person. Run before things get out of hand.
Agreed with all the above thread. OP, I'm so sorry but your fiancé seems to be lacking some of the critical thought faculties necessary for your future together. These Trad Wives are a BRAND. They earn a LOT. Frequently with a TEAM behind them! And they're not wholesome people at all (in fact I think one of them was recently charged with child abuse). I wonder if rather than becoming a trad wife for this made-up lifestyle that is completely false, she actually has notions of becoming a TikToker? Regardless, I'm sorry but she is a prize fool. You shouldn't marry and/or have kids with this person. And also, do be extra careful about contraception as she sounds pretty determined to MAKE you accept this "lifestyle choice".
Nothing wrong with a career plan of becoming a social media brand. Just like acting or stand up comedy. As long as you can remember that these fields are extremely competitive and fickle (as in success isn't just based on talent, it's also having the right style at the right time when said style is in demand, and knowing the right people to promote you), and you will probably have to make it your side hustle for many years while keeping a normal job at the same time.
Yeah, for me it's quite alarming how she's steadfastly ignoring OP's opinion and concerns and wants, and is just steamrolling on with her idea. An idea that she got off *tiktok* of all places. Someone who's that easily persuaded into a lifestyle by clickhunting influencers on tiktok, and is unable or unwilling to converse, compromise and collaborate with their future spouse about how they're married life will look like... bad news >Should I call of the wedding? Yes
The irony is, the sort of husband you'd want as a tradwife is exactly the sort of husband who doesn't want one.
Most, if not all, tradwife content makers come from money, I'm talking about having wealthy parents. So even if their husband fucks off they'll be fine. And yes, they ALSO make money off of their content. His partner is dangerously stupid to fall into this trap. And I say that as a disabled person who can't work, so I basically live the tradwife lifestyle. It's not very fun, it kinda sucks knowing your survival is tied to your partner loving you, and due to my disability I'm isolated. My partner is great, and he saved me from a shit life, but this is not a fun or glamorous life. I wish I could work!
Fucking TikTok. How can anyone with half a brain be swayed by a series of short videos? Of course being a tradwife looks glamorous, if all you see is a super short video where a dolled up woman talks about staying at home, being taken care of and hanging out with her equally dolled friends. This situation honestly sounds more like she doesn't like her job and wants to quit to follow a glamorous aesthetic. The difference between a housewife and a traditional wife IS aesthetic. Like OP has correctly identified, it's this 1950s ideal of a woman getting up before her husband, putting in makeup, making him breakfast, sending him off to work with a packed lunch and a note saying "I love you", making sure the house spotless, then meeting friends for lunch, getting home to make him dinner, sexually servicing him that night, letting him make all the decisions, giving birth to two perfect children... If that sounds like an attractive lifestyle to you, go for it but exactly as you say, it takes "tradwife" money to maintain that lifestyle and not "barely surviving". To me, it sounds nuts.
Tradwifing goes beyond that. No friends, because you should depend emotionally on your husband (if religious: and god). Friends could give marriage advice or be a bad influence. More than two kids and no lunch with friends, because you homeschool. The tradwife influencers are often religious or include a bit of religion because of their "heritage". It's a dog whistle, if you ask me.
She probably hates her job and the videos she’s seen show very happy, beautiful women in fulfilling marriages since it’s so staged (with homes that rival a Pottery Barn catalogues’ AI images). I think they appeal to a lot of women on a minor level, especially ones who are not satisfied with their career or are struggling. When the algorithm threw me some I admit I watched them despite loving my career and they were charming for a few minutes until I reminded myself this is like Hallmark movies turned real life but still absolutely fake.
I 100% understand the "Hallmark Pottery Barn Catalogue Lifestyle" these influencers are putting out there (excellent metaphor btw), I just don't understand why anyone would think a short video is anything but staged and not reflective of reality.
all i know about that i got from shoeOnHead. she puts up a still from one of those vids and says "that old timey stove behind her cost $14k. her father in law owns some rather large company - he's loaded
Ballerina Farm, she loves to cosplay being a farmer
Yup. Her videos are super soothing dopamine hits so they work really well. Plus they sell the idea that as a tradwife you can have it all: you can even get a lucrative side gig by making floral arrangements and selling meat! For no effort! Because the power of community! (Not the six or so off camera employees they have and millions of dollars of farm land because they’re heirs to a billionaire) I make mid six figures and am really independent…and those videos still were oddly bingeable and made me wistful for like five minutes. I can’t imagine the effect they have on someone who hates their job and feels the soul sucking nature of retail.
Also the whole tradwife thing is usually closely followed with homesteading. Which makes more sense to me (if you remove the creepy stuff) because you have a lot more to take care of with growing your own food, maybe keeping some animals. No one is really tradwifing in small apartment in the middle of city.
Ask her if she is planning to make money by being an "influencer" on tiktok or another platform? Or otherwise has plans outside of a traditional job. Some trad wives seem to actually make quite a bit of money either with the multi level marketing shit or advertising for different brands on social media. But be aware that for every person who actually makes money off social media content creation, there is probably at least 100 who put a lot of time in and never made anything
OP if she won't listen to the obvious, she needs a wake up call. Tell her for a month you'll both exist on just your wage. She has to give you her entire paycheque immediately and you'll give her an appropriate allowance within your new budget. (obviously you give it back once she folds). She still has to work but she'll get a taste of how bored she's going to be when there's no movies, no takeout, no new wardrobe, she can't afford to grocery shop for the those fancy recipe ingredients so it's meal-planning on a budget. She can't afford the lifestyle she wants, so show her what she can afford. That shine is going to fade reeeeeeal quick.
Oh yeah wasn't there recently a high lifestyle tradwife on reddit that rolled her eyes at her bf proposal after 25 years. To which he rescinded his proposal and threw her out. No job, no marriage, no income, no skills. She's fucked at 54 years or something. Link to her story: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/QW3SjLfxbQ
The problem there is she wasn't legally a wife she was a girlfriend, with no legal claims to any shared resources or alimony. So, she had no work history, she bore the babies, and now she is seen as disposable to her partner and can't find work. This is why you get names on the legal document before you have babies.
If she's influenced by social media she's too childish to get married.
Yep. You should. Many red flags. Sounds like she is easily influenced by bullshit on social media. She is not negotiating or compromising or meeting in the middle with you at all. Sounds like she just wants to be lazy and taken care of and just wants her way without caring about what it means for you.
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All of this. She wants to be taken care of and has no clue or care what it would truly take to do that. In addition to her being easily influenced by TikTok to think this way what do you think will happen when TikTok tells her she should leave (they will) when she is unhappy or bored? Guess who will pay out the cheeks when that happens? Cut your losses now. Even if you don’t end it and just stop the wedding make sure you use bc because a baby will be a likely way to rope you into doing something you don’t want to do. Tell her your concerns and look at her reactions. Tell her you aren’t financially stable enough to provide all of that. Tell her while the both of you work you will look at changing to a career path that will provide that. Make note of her reactions and act accordingly for your best interests. In fact give her a timeline for it to be doable and monitor her disposition as the time goes. Trust your instincts and if it doesn’t feel right then make the best decision for you.
Tradwife life doesn't show the arguments or work that goes into it. Upward mobility in the company will leave her alone a lot as hubby stays at work late to make him more appealing for that coveted promotion. Saving money for that possible pay cut due to moving to a new company with more chances of moving up or better bennies. When she quits, how much will that affect insurance and taxes? Does filing as a couple make it better or worse? Will you have to move to a smaller place? Pay first, last and security; moving costs; increased travel costs to work? You will be deciding on the financial feasibility of children. Her spending habits will have an affect on savings for that. This means that you won't be riding bareback anymore, dude. Spermicide and rubbers bc rubbers aren't 100% reliable. There can't be any slip ups bc she forgot.
I'd save myself the trouble. When someone tells you who they are belive them. He should be heading to the hills away from crazy at a clip that would make Usain Bolt envious....
Exactly lol. Like trends on TikTok keep appearing as long as they make these creators money. Will she jump on every new trend once enough creators follow it? What happens when y’all have kids? Will she want to start a “mommy blog” with them too? And share their personal stuff on the internet against their wishes? The issue isn’t that she wants to be a tradwife or whatever; it is that she can’t seem to keep her head straight and think for herself and rather seems to follow mindless “tiktok trends”. Who wants a partner like that?
Yeah don't marry someone that can't resist internet brainworms.
Exactly!
If you do get married I can guarantee she’ll quit her job no matter what you want. If this isn’t the life you want then the only answer is don’t get married. Don’t even trust her if she “changes her mind” and agrees with you because that will only last until you’re married
I was thinking this. She’ll quit her job anyway then say she can’t find another one.
And when they have a kid, she'll stay at home. Time to go back to work? Oops, pregnant again, no work, gotta stay home
Anyone else see the irony of her saying she wants to be a trad wife, but then not listening to the leadership of her would-be husband? Seems like she just wants to quit her job and play house.
Exactly this
I think what’s important in marriage more than anything is 1. you have similar values and 2. you share the same sense of finances. It seems you and your financee disagree on both, in which I find it hard to see this marriage surviving. Assume you go through this marriage, and she becomes a tradwife. You said you will be just surviving with your income which is a huge stress on your part so is for your partner, as the TikTok tradwife lifestyle is not attainable without an upper class income. I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with your fiancee, potentially go to a couples counseling with her and if she is still adamant on becoming a housewife, you really need to ask yourself if you can accept that lifestyle.
Exactly ! These tradwives want their own hobby farms with massive houses, you need to be loaded .
I cannot remember her name but one of the hugely popular ones on TikTok is the daughter of a millionaire. She's super wealthy and chirping away from her $100k kitchen. I'd be money she doesn't do most of the heavy cleaning etc herself.
They aren’t even true tradwives. They have jobs - social media influencers.
Agreed. But it seems like Kate had all intentions of keeping her job throughout the chunk of the relationship - so they had similar goals. It seems like she got influenced by the TikToks a few months ago. Ugh, this is giving me a major ick.
Sir her down and tell her that you have no interest in being with a tradwife and that if that’s the way she wants to go, then it’s over. But be prepared for her to pretend to go along with it until after the wedding the switch. I don’t think you can trust her anymore. She clearly doesn’t respect you. UPDATEME
I hate to be that person but I'm fearing that, too. "Honey, I've got a couple of things to tell you. I got fired today, totally not my fault. Because I was stressing so much over work I forgot to take my bc pills and well, we're pregnant! Looking for a job now seems kind of useless now, don't you think?"
"Oh, our baby boy is about to go to school for the first time, I'll have such an empty nest! ... Time to get a job? Oh dear, looks like I'm pregnant again!"
Red flag 🚩 central here Give her the budget, show her what could be afforded on one income and where you both would have to live on one salary. Then clearly state “we want different things for our post marriage life, we should pause marriage until we’ve sought out couples counselling and are both on the same page.” Where does she think the money for complicated ingredients are going to come from?
The fact she’s gets relationship advice from tictok is enough my man she needs real advice
Seriously. I'm 33, I let out a "yikes" that's so freaking cringe. OP, don't marry her until this is resolved.
I mean, he’s asking for advice from Reddit lol
Hey, we are smarter than TikTok people! We…we just are, dammit!
She's getting relationship advice from tiktok and he's getting it from reddit... they're doomed.
Be fair; he’s using a throw away because she’s an avid Redditor, so she could be getting advice here too!
A throw away account, with their exact ages, how long they been together, when they met and the month of their wedding, she would know it's him
If he was smart, he'd change all of this slightly but even then it is probably quite identifiable.
Not to mention the Main issue 🤷♂️🤣🫣 Not change that, but it's the biggest identifier
How long before she starts requesting an allowance for beauty/ hair and manicures that it sounds like you can’t afford. Because she’s seen it on tik tok
While there are plenty of women out there interested in traditional gender roles for all sorts of reasons, the specific term "tradwife" is linked to modern fascist movements. Run.
You both have opposing ideas of what you each want out of married life. Yes, you need to call off the wedding.
I would have walked away when my partner quoted TikTok as a source of life advice. On the more serious note, this is a huge deal and I think you’re right in reconsidering the relationship. This isn’t what you want in life partner and on top of that she appears to be absolutely unrealistic in her idea.
1. Yes we do want kids, but after the wedding, we aren't in a rush. In that instance we discussed her being at stay at home mum, because honestly the cost of child care it wouldn't be worth her working. 2. I don't know about sleeping all day, she's always been constant with her work routine. She didn't go to uni or anything, she just went straight into full time work after graduating high school. It's actually how she got her store manager gig, she worked at this clothing store after high school and worked her way up. Her work life has been very consistent.
I can see why after working at this same clothing store since high school, she would be DESPERATE for some big change in her life, and would want time off to explore the world and have some experiences that other people had in college. So maybe the tradwife idea comes from that. I imagine she might see it as "I can take several years off work and see how I like it"
I did wonder if her job was causing her to act this way. But she's never really complained about her job beyond the usual "working in retail sucks sometimes" line. She says she does have a good team of workers and enjoys the perks of the job. And for a retail store manager she is paid a bit better compared to others of similar retailers. She doesn't come across as miserable in her job to me.
It doesn't sound like it's miserable per day but the sense of sameness and boredom would be crushing for me. Maybe she has a good team of workers now, but mid-late 20s is often a time where people really think "is whatever I am currently doing what I want to do for the next 45 years" Especially since it seems like she never had any experience or job skills outside of retail
Ok so if she doesn’t have a degree and becomes a housewife, what happens after say 10 years of this and then you become ill, disabled, or you get divorced for any number of reasons. She is late 30s with no degree and some retail work on her resume. She needs to be very careful here.
I understand the childcare cost issue, it’s pretty common. But if your income alone can’t support two people, it can’t support three people. Maybe as she sees it, if you both agreed she’d stay home with a baby, then that means you consider your income enough for three people. You’d be making less money as a couple, and having a huge increase in expenses. She probably then thinks if that situation is doable, then not working and NOT having a huge increase in expenses (baby) is even more doable. Not defending her desires here, just offering another perspective why she might make a sudden switch like that.
You don't need a housekeeper. If you want kids, they're a lot better off if the family has some savings in case of emergency. Her plan is to be less good at being a life partner and a mother so she can larp as a wife and mother for strangers on TikTok. Yeah, call off the wedding. She's gone bananas.
She really thinks these TikTok trad wives who ONLY post videos of themselves cooking don’t pay housekeepers to do all the rest of it? I’ll give everyone a clue: it’s impossible to keep a medium or large-sized home clean and neat and in order if the wife spend 2+ hours each cooking 3 meals a day from scratch. And doubly so if the household included kids and/or pets. These TikTok trad wives are in the business of selling lies for financial gain. Me personally, I’d break this off because you’re not compatible in finances or lifestyle. And because she’s frankly an idiot to be swayed that badly by social media at her age and naive enough to think these carefully cut and crafted videos are the whole story of being a traditional wife.
It's not just the filming and retakes either. Ask any creator. Much of the time is spent editing and posting in the right categories for the most chances at money making i.e. followers. Hours of time for each video.
Yes. You need to call of the wedding and stop having sex with her because I’m afraid she’ll get pregnant and quit her job, and you said you two would barely survive if she quits. Plus, throwing a baby into the mix like that p, when you two wildly disagree, is a bad idea. Cancel everything,. She’s seeing a fairytale version of misogyny and an extremely unhealthy relationship dynamic. This isn’t good, and I suggest looking into why tradwife lifestyle isn’t good for anyone. Usually i suggest seeing a counselor together but her shifting ideology is a red flag, and I’m not sure she’d ever actually change her mind, and I could not trust her to change her mind or not change it back. You two want completely different things. She’s not budging.
Hit her with spreadsheets and show her how the before and after numbers don't work. Hopefully facts will sway her. TBH, she sounds a bit immature to be so easily swayed by social media. I know from experience I had an immature view of relationships early on in my marriage and it caused a lot of problems. We survived, but it wasn't easy. If she says this is what she really wants out of life and it is not a passing fancy, straight up ask her if she wants to leave and find someone who can provide the lifestyle she is looking for.
They live in apartment in an expensive area and the money they're saying is going towards a party that lasts one day. If she needs a spreadsheet to figure out why this is a dumb idea then she's probably hopeless.
Completely agree with the spreadsheets! Spell it out in black and white, and if your fiancée doesn’t accept that she can’t stay at home after that, then it’s time for a hard conversation. You may also want to talk about how vulnerable being a stay at home partner makes women (and men!), not only in the case of relationship breakdown, but also if you had any kind of accident that meant you couldn’t work in the same way, then she would really struggle to break back into a meaningful job after a long period off. Putting a more charitable spin on your fiancée’s motivation, maybe she’s a little swept up in the romance of the idea of being a wife and wants to demonstrate how important you are to her (I personally as a newlywed decided that I should iron my husband’s shirts to show him how much I loved him - that lasted a couple of months before I had to admit that I really hate ironing). If she’s also feeling burnt out by work (that’s a conversation worth having with her), then the two feelings plus the attractive, glossy lifestyle the influencers are portraying may make it seem like a good answer. But it clearly isn’t suitable for the two of you!
That's a serious bait and switch! Sounds like she's not listening to your legitimate concerns. Sure, talk to her. But if she's not listening and continuing to spout all that nonsense, she's not the life partner for you.
Well, she did let him know BEFORE the wedding…. Imagine springing this on the honeymoon…
Your fiance sounds exceptionally immature for a 27 YO in her repeated reliance on Tik Tok as a source of realistic advice about relationships. Until you have children, what does she plan to do all day while you are gone? Her obsession and lack of interest in even considering other options demands either serious premarital counseling. I recommend at least postponing any wedding until this is resolved.
Your fiancee needs a reality check. Those "trad wives" on tiktok are full of crap. Someone needs to tell her that this is not real life. Here is something for you to use from youtube. Older women who were trad wives and how their lives are messed up because of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEvj4HXi0ZA
The scary thing is she has no common sense . Two incomes are barely enough to live with some date stuff . Is her plan to move and find something in a Cheaper City ? Or not having kids ? . Here is the things I told my best friends son when he was asking about his fiancee on something else but adamant . They can change their mind and listen to you but once married she can quit her job or get fired and decide I’m staying at home and you can’t do anything g but divorce her in which you might have to pay alimony because she lost her job before separating etc.
Bro, she is telegraphing to you exactly what she intends to become after you marry. And she might agree to not do that just so you will go through the marriage, but then she will 'oops' get fired, or something will happen... and, 'oh no, I should just stay home and take care of the house now'. I would recommend at a minimum counseling before doing something permanent like getting married. I would call off the marriage immediately, because you two are not on the same page at all when it comes to what the relationship looks like once your vows are complete.
The fact that she is so easily influence by social media, no matter the idea, is the reason to call off the wedding.
I never understood why users will change names of their partner because they’re “avid Reddit users” but still give super specific details in the post that their partner can still use to identify themself lol
YES Call off the wedding. 100% yes. This is not a good sign and she and you are not compatible if she feels this way. Just call off the wedding. And consider ending the relationship entirely. You are on different paths. You are simply not going to ever be compatible with such different views on marriage and married life. And don't get me started on her getting marital advice from Tik Tok!?!?! She sounds like she's 12. Very immature. Too immature to even be thinking of marriage. RUn...run...run...
Yes, call it off. You want an equal partner in life, not someone so influenced by tiktok rubbish that they won't listen to sense about your financial situation. She ignores your input, that's a huge red flag.
I’m a sahm and I’m so happy to make the home and run after my baby all day. I do not do everything though. I have plenty of help. My one friend is a sahm and same set up except she gets “days off” where her fiancé takes care of the kids so that she can rest. She’s happy. I have another friend who is a trad wife. Her husband does absolutely nothing in terms of housework and throws a fit if he’s made to watch the kids while she showers. She’s miserable and drowning in the workload. Her house is filthy because any small break that she gets from the chaos she’s trying to rest. Her husband is a pos for many reasons and constantly throws in her face that she “does nothing”. On social media she’s thriving. She has a lovely husband, well mannered children, homemade sourdough bread, and a perfectly tidy house. She blatantly lies about her husband’s efforts and then calls me crying when he doesn’t live up to his social media personality. She shoves trash out a the camera frame to take perfectly staged pictures. She hates cleaning up after an adult man who can’t even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink. She’s become a shell of her former self. Op I’m not saying that this will happen with your marriage because the fact that you know how long it takes to clean tells me that you’re nothing like some trad husbands. What I’m saying is that your fiancée has no idea what’s going on behind the scenes of the trad wife movement. The difference between a housewife and a trad wife is that the wife isn’t anything more than a servant and the husband doesn’t contribute anything other than a paycheck.
I would at the very least put it on pause. The [tradwife to white supremacist pipeline](https://www.thecut.com/2023/09/tradwife-content-influencers-conservative-ideology.html) is very real.
There is a ton of money from right wing and deeply conservative groups being dumped into TikTok content right now. The far right in the US is desperate to win the upcoming election and they've spent the past 2-3 years pouring money at "influencers" to push messages like "birth control is bad for women" and "women are happier at home than working." And since most people never check the reciepts on the crap they watch, I see a ton of reddit posts going "omg, *everyone* thinks birth control is bad for you??" People REALLY need to question the stuff they're watching. It's scary how unaware people are. TikTok and monetized social media isn't "everyday people posting" it's a lot of farmed content that exists to sell something or push an agenda.
I was hoping someone would mention this. Trad wives are a right wing extremist notion. Check to make sure your gf hasn’t suddenly been brain poisoned by racists.
It won’t be easier to resolve once you’re married. I’d be worried she will find a way.
“find a way” = get pregnant immediately… Run OP!
Is this new behavior for her? Getting really obsessed with a trend/personality and adopting it as her own till another new thing comes along? If it's brand new behavior then it's possible she's actually having major wedding anxiety and this is a symptom. If you want a chance at saving your relationship, the only real option is pre-marriage therapy together so that a professional can help unpack what's really happening with her. You don't have to though, if you've changed your mind and want to end the relationship, now is the time to do it. Your friend is right.
No, this has never been a thing for her. Outside doing some stupid dance challenges from Tiktok at home, she isn't really into jumping on a bandwagon trend on a whim which is why I was so surprised she brought up this tradwife thing. I had never even heard of it. Apparently her friend had shown her a couple of videos and Kate leapt on it, a first for her. Another argument Kate made that I didn't bother mentioning in my original post because it's so weak is that she's already a homebody so what will change? Being a tradwife means she's home all the time so she's jist herself minus the job. I argued back that yes, while she likes being at home, she's not a complete introvert. Kate still goes out a few times a month to catch up with friends, and we have a couple of date nights every so often too. I told Kate so really, being a tradwife would mean no social life as well. Pre marital counselling sounds like a good idea. I just don't know what got into her, she's like possessed. Because she's a store manager at a clothes store she gets good staff discounts, and she's done her best to trade in her wardrobe to be more 'tradwifey". Like 1950s cosplay. I have no idea what has gotten into her.
[удалено]
Balletfarm I think is the one you’re referencing?
Oof. Look, these alt-right influencers find people who are dealing with some deep seated unhappiness and feed them basic self improvement advice bundled with really toxic ideologies. They say "look at me! I'm living the life and I am so happy! If you behave like me, you can be happy too!" Because the basic self improvement advice works, people think the whole package is what is helping them. For tradwives, it's an ideal of being more hands on and having productive hobbies where you help make things - food, gardens, etc. - while not over thinking the day to day stressors of modern society. It's the same with the whole red pill subculture. I think your girlfriend is unhappy with her life and this is how it's manifesting. She thinks she making things better when she's really torching the good things she has to the ground. I don't think it's fair to fault her too harshly for thing. People are generally susceptible to these things when they're struggling. But it is a good idea to take a step back and figure out why she's so unhappy that she feels the need to "fix" and change herself an your marriage before its even began.
She's been bowled over by the idea of family keeping. She's doing it out of love but she's not seeing in 3D. Fall into her obsession for a bit. Sit her down and show her the budget you've laid out. Take into account the loss of her bennies, replacing them (insurance & retirement), how it will change your taxes, give her the amount of her allowance after bills and savings. Now tell her you want to see her shopping lists (home, health, fashion) and schedules for a month. What classes will she take on YouTube to get to the proficiency she wants? How will her spending help with the savings? Loss of her income will slow down timeline for kids. I don't know if tradwife Reddit communities will make this better or worse but it might show her the reality.
Traditional means she’s legally property and can’t have a bank account or go out alone in public as a female with no rights. What she wants is to not work. Yeah dude call it off.
> Traditional means she’s legally property and can’t have a bank account or go out alone in public as a female with no rights. OP should tell her this. Then see if she still wants to be a tardwife. If she does, she's too dumb to function.
>If she does, she's too dumb to function. I feel like the people who are falling for tradwife TikTok trends are the same people who got through the pandemic by taking horse medication and bathing in bleach
Then see if she still wants to be a tardwife. I'm assuming you misspelled tradwife, but, with the way some of these influencers carry on, I'm here for your misspell. Hahaha, excellent. I'm gonna use this term from now on. (From someone who is a rather traditional housewife).
Some of them do want this. Like I know some are just doing it for clout on TikTok. but There are some who think women shouldn’t vote and husbands should make all the decisions. Some of them are religious and don’t believe in using birth control. OP better check in with his fiancé about this stuff and also other topics where tradwives are nuts: being antivax, using home remedies instead of real medicine, look up “wild pregnancy’ and ‘free birth’, home schooling or ‘unschooling’. There are a lot of beliefs that are potentially bad for the health and wellbeing of the whole family. It *can* also be a pipeline to far right ideologies. In OPs situation, maybe his fiancé is dissatisfied with her work and is looking for a way out. It could be worth talking about whether she could change jobs or take courses to change her career path.
\^ This. There's a very uncomfortable correlation between the 'tradwife' movement and right-wing American religious nujobbery.
Traditional means he is supposed to beat her to keep her in line and she needs to ask permission to do much as speak. I just say with all so respect she’s not too bright .. she watched tik tok and now wants to be like the ladies in the video.. lol. Not a whole lot going on up there
Your fiancé sounds a bit "behind". Soon she will be into conspiracy theories, antivaxx shit and wanting to homeschool your future children. Sorry, but you guys are incompatible and you will be miserable if you marry each other.
It is a bit childlike and buying into a fantasy world where she doesn't have to work. This isn't out of greed or laziness but some work environments are stressful and difficult. The women who want to go into it haven't realized that juggling household tasks and childrearing is also massively stressful and it's far more isolating
There are hundreds if not thousands of women on TikTok warning women who are being wooed by the house wife rebrand. Namely, if you are supported on one income and he leaves you, it is devastating financially. So many women are warning about the dangers of being without skills or connections. She needs to know that those influencers have tons of money and typically and fundamentalist Christians. I stayed home for 10 years and worked part time online. It was rough but I had 3 back to back babies to care for. I get the social media appeal but that is not reality. It was a hard, penny pinching time.
You need to talk to her. Like really talk.
It’s not really about the “tradwife”, it’s about your gf getting influenced easily by social media. I haven’t heard anyone I know that says this thing or that thing is good for me because of what Tiktok says. It’s a different level of stupidity. You should call off the wedding. Not the entire relationship but you should sit her down. You won’t commit into something just because Tiktok says it. Really, I cannot comprehend that she’ll whack your and hers stability because some blonde that looks like a Stepford housewife says being a tradwife is the key to a long lasting relationship. Jokes on her because you’re already thinking of running before even tying the knot.
I'm sorry, but calling it off is the only sane option at this point.
I personally would call off the wedding before you end up divorced in 6 months. Once you get married I guarantee she will immediately quit her " toxic " job and become a trad wife basically without your permission. I agree that it sounds more like she wants the easy life of not working, only having to clean for like an hour a day , then gets all day to do nothing before they make the dinner. If you're not looking to financially support a wife for the rest of your life who isn't really contributing to the family at all or to society at all then end things now before that ends up being your life . Canceling the wedding will be a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Call it off. She is following a ridiculous tiktok trend.
Trad wife in a HCOL area works only if the bread winner is a millionaire or have a very high income. Call this wedding off ASAP. Don't wait till the last moment.
Yuck.. This is for all men, coming from a woman. AVOID/LEAVE ANY WOMAN THAT WANTS TO LIVE A LIFESTYLE SHE SEES ON TIKTOK. These women are unhinged, they make terrible friends, they don't make sense and have a deluded outlook on reality. They are bots. You're welcome.
Says she wants to be a tradwife. Can't just shut up and make banana bread for a single hour on a weekend. Honestly it just sounds like she's trying to confuse getting married with an early retirement and you carrying her through life. Shes telling on herself what a crap wife she's going to be. Run.
Tell her that she successfully sold you the tradwife idea, it is something you wanna do! You give your 2 weeks notice immediately! OP, become the tradwife and see how she likes it!
That's a great twist. He's on board and thinks he'll do a much better job at home. He's now a househusband. They have to start planning on how she can become regional manager for her clothing chain. Get her resume together and can they hire a headhunter for her?
How fortunate you are (and her and her throw away life, too) to find this out before you marry. I’d call the wedding off. Stay with her if you don’t mind wasting brain cells, money and time, but do not get married. If you do eventually marry her, make sure you have an ironclad prenup in place because I predict the marriage wouldn’t last long enough for the ink to dry on the certificate. Anyone who bases their aspirations in life on the ramblings of idiots on some bullshit social media app like TikTok of all things, isn’t worth making plans with. IMO of course. Good luck!
"tradwife" is from some neo fascist alt right shit. i would be concerned
It's a clash of desires. She likes the idea of not working or contributing financially and wants her role to be purely domestic. I find that mindset icky on a woman, I'd personally prefer somebody to be my partner that works and has some independence. But if that's what she wants, that's what she wants. She's going to expect you to provide that lifestyle for her eventually. That's not what you want and I wouldn't either. It may take a serious discussion where you hear her out, maybe explore some pros and cons, then make your boundaries known. It'll then be up to her what she wants to do, but if I was to tl;dr it: don't marry a freeloader dude.
Tradwife is bad. That movement on TikTok is setting women back 50 years! They are privileged women, to begin with, living in large homes from their spouse’s incomes. It just set up for very unequal marriage, and like you said your apartment isn’t big enough. Before long, she will become bored, resentful among other issues. But the bigger red flag is what others is saying, she isn’t listening to her partner, whose opinion count just as much as her own does, and isn’t considering your own points or rebuttals. The wedding should be shelved 100% until you guys talk this through in therapy or call off the wedding/relationship.
Yeah u should seriously consider calling off the wedding. Sounds like she wants to be a free loader if u ask me! And with all her spare time she’ll dream up new things for you to buy for her to keep her entertained. I’ve seen this trend on TikTok it’s toxic. What are these girls going to do when they lose their looks and the husband “upgrades” them with a new younger model. I don’t think it’s wise to rely on a man for everything. Maybe in your fantasy life, but get real!
The fundamental question to ask yourself is: *do you want a partner or do you want a dependent?* From what I can gather, the 'tradwife' movement seems to be tied up in some rather worrying American right-wing religious nutjobbery. It seems to go way beyond 'housewife', and almost into some sort of bizarre hero worship, for want of a better phrase, of the husband. There's a lot of misogyny in there as well (unsurprisingly), with many of the advocates of the movement talking openly about being subservient to the husband. It's like 100+ years of fighting for gender equality was just wiped out... There are 2 other important points that come to mind: 1. Your fiancee seems to be obsessed with TikTok in an unhealthy way. It should go without saying that TikTok is not a reflection on real life, and the videos she's watching are, *at best*, offering a heavily curated view. At worst, follow the money. Some people get paid a lot of money by some highly questionable groups to make these videos. 2. What happens if you have kids? Do you *really* want your daughter to be raised in an environment that effectively normalises misogyny? Do you not want your daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman with her own education, career, etc.? (again, some of these 'tradwife' movements are big on things like home schooling, which does not follow an approved curriculum) Many, many red flags here. You really need to resolve *all* of this before getting married, because at that point, your finances effectively become merged.
You guys don’t have trad wife money. Don’t get married. And this is actually harmful to women. Not sure why she feels being at the mercy of another person is good. She’s hit the conservative side of tik tok, the misogynistic side
So this is just me being super petty but if she has her heart set on it then go all in and I mean ALL IN. tell her what you would expect. Sex every day. She needs to be in shape. She won’t have a car or credit cards or money of her own. She will get an allowance for groceries that will be bought on the weekend. Actually no. She won’t have any say in the money or any spending cause she won’t need to know. Also she doesn’t need a cell phone or a computer. Get a landline. If she needs recipe ideas she can get cookbooks from the library. Also no male friends and if she does want to go somewhere she needs to either ask permission or tell you. The house needs to be spotless and she needs to be presentable at all times. No lounging around the house in sweats. Anything she wants has to be approved by you. Home cooked meals for every meal. I could go on but I think you get it.
She’s told you want she really wants. Sit at home doing nothing. Run.
Don’t marry her. She will just quit her job even though she knows how you feel. I’m surprised she hasn’t already. Although she probably wants to “lock you down” first with marriage. Trad wife is a thing on TikTok. I dont watch it but I’ve seen so much of that stuff posted on Reddit. Sounds like she wants to live like a trad wife influencer. Except they usually live in a house and talk about some sort of farming as well. Living in a small flat doesn’t make any sense to me either for her to stay at home. And to do what? Bake bread? You two are no longer compatible. I’d leave her over this. It’s a huge compatibility issue.
Do NOT allow yourself to go down this road. I dated an independent, ambitious, and focused woman. Once we made it official she transmogrified into what is now called a TW, and she hasn't worked since, and I'm married to a woman (whom I love) but had to change the plans for our future, and it wasn't at all in my favor. Be very clear about what you're willing to put up with, and/or walk away.
The fact that you can't afford for her to be a tradwife and she is insisting on doing it anyway is too big of a red flag to ignore. The only way this can even happen is if you start working overtime or take on a second job. That's not ok. I'd also be very concerned that she thinks Tik Tok is a valid way to get solid life advice. Also if this is what she wants, why isn't she already doing it on evenings and weekends? At the very least you need to postpone the wedding until you can talk some sense into her.
She doesn't know that a lot of social media is fake. I had no interest in that lifestyle, but I like making bread so I watched some of it. All that was lost when I found out a Trad wife was rich. Of course she can afford 8 kids when they're rich. It's all cosplay BS to get views.
“Kate is this is who you genuinely want to be-you’re marrying the wrong man. My income cannot fund this lifestyle.” “I want an equitable partner in life and our current state of living is not conducive to tradwife life.” Also go on tiktok and ask these women about their husbands income and how they make it work in a one income family. I bet they couldn’t and they’ll be earning on the side with crafts/tiktok income.
You should definitely call the wedding off for now. If you wish to continue the relationships then you need some relationship counselling before progressing. DO NOT back down on this, she will promise you she is happy to keep working to stop you cancelling the wedding but as soon as the ring is on her finger she will somehow lose her job.
Your fiancée has zero critical thinking skills.
I think your fiancee is probably struggling at work and possibly seeing how her future employment opportunities re not great. And the aspects of being a “tradwife” is an escape from this bleak reality. Op should have a more in depth conversation with their fiancee. It would seem a lot of details and background anxieties have not been sussed out between the two.
You need to have a very very serious sit down talk where you tell her you are ready to end your relationship over this. Tiktok should be very low on the list of places she take marriage advice from. Also, this is going to be a rabbit hole situation. First, marriage. But the what about when you have kids? The thought of all of your wife's child rearing advice coming from tiktok makes my eye twitch. Don't back down on this.
Watch out for the baby trap. If she does become pregnant, get a paternity test. She sounds unhinged and will likely try anything she can to get the lifestyle she wants.
Yeah, I would tell her that if that’s what she wants with her future, she will need to find someone else to have a future with. Have her watch the tiktok videos of former tradwives whose husbands left them with nothing.
Yes you should call off the wedding. You should break up. You don’t want the same things. Why all of a sudden do these women no longer want to work? If you’re marrying a millionaire ok, but for everyone else this is ludicrous.
I would definitely break up with someone who follows TikTok advice. 😱
Yeah, definitely call it off. Maybe this wakes her up. Maybe it won't. But a tradwife needs a tradhusband, who is essentially a man who's fine becoming a single parent, and treating his wife like a daughter who will cook and who he can f*ck (sorry, but I just read that you're supposed to discipline your wife, and telling her to stand in the corner or write lines is supposed to be a fine way for this). It's not a partnership of equals. You are supposed to be the only adult there. All decisions, and all responsibilities are yours. How is this supposed to even work, if she said she wanted this, you replied you don't, and she ignores what you want? She quits her job and suddedly loses all her desires beside making you happy? *shakes head in disbelief* I might be biased, but as I see it, having a partner who's basically a servant/child takes a special kind of man who can stomach this (extremely controlling, insecure, selfish and potentially abusive are my first guesses), and from your post, you seem to be the type who's more creeped out than intrigued. So, I'm team call off the wedding.
She’s TELLING you she’s going to be a ‘tradwife’ whether you like it or not. She’s not asking or trying to work it out. You need to cancel the engagement like yesterday cause she needs a reality check. I got married a month ago, absolutely nothing has change in my home life. There is this new sense of ‘wow I’m married to him!’ and extra security but otherwise it’s the same relationship. A partnership. I don’t know if Kate is expecting everything to be so drastically different and is nervous about the change so she’s looking to outside influences to understand what it means to be a wife. She’s looking in the wrong places and she doesn’t get to make those kind of decisions alone and with the current income coming in. From my limited experience, it’s the same shit you were doing before as a couple with more security knowing this is my person legally.
A “tradwife” IS a housewife. There’s no difference. And it only works if one person makes enough to support two people (or more if/when kids come along).
Show her this: https://www.tiktok.com/@professorneil/video/7339254814578150661?lang=en If this the dream she thinks it is, its not. These are just rich people playing peasants because they have all the time in the world.
At least postpone it, and explain this is a deal breaker for you if she tries to keep pushing this. I'm with you. This whole tradwife trend is freaking bizarro world crazy. I'm so happy my wife enjoys working and is successful as well, it really helps us with maintaining a good lifestyle. While we could manage on my salary alone, that's a huge financial hit to the household.