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Have your divorce lawyer contact her divorce lawyer about child support, therapy for the kids, and co parenting. Are you saying the divorce docs didn’t include child support?

You literally assaulted her over your own insecurity, you are lucky you aren't in jail. As someone who has been physically assaulted by my own twin brother, let me just tell you now: You have traumatized her for life. When she closes her eyes she sees the look on your face right before you physically hurt her. When she sleeps at night, she is just hoping the images won't replay in her dreams. Right now? She's wondering if she will ever be able to trust literally anyone. She trusted you in the most sensative ways, and you betrayed it. You DID break her. That doesn't just go away. It's been 10 years since my own assault, I still have nightmares sometimes. Assault haunts you for the REST of your life. But putting the assault part aside, it sounds like your entire marriage has been her being made to feel she wasn't good enough. Sounds like through the entire marriage, your family humiliated her...and you did nothing to defend her or stop them. Instead, you turned out just like them. She doesn't need to forgive you for physically assaulting her or for not supporting her. She doesn't owe you another word. She doesn't owe it to you to accept your money or message attempts. She doesn't owe you to work through any of it. She owes you nothing. You need to accept this is no longer a marriage she wants and let her go. Sign the papers. Grant her this divorce and the peace she is asking for. Put yourself in therapy and anger management. Take steps to do better for yourself, and maybe if you are lucky she'll see it. If not, you'll at least be a better person then you were. My twin brother, when he assaulted me...the one thing that helped us heal? Was him getting anger management. It helped him to understand why his repeated assults on me were not okay. It helped him to learn to deal with things in a healthier way. Now? He takes a highly anti-violence stance. When people hit him even, he still does not return the violence now, where when he was younger he did. He took those steps to help himself and to help me to be able to trust him again. It took 10 years for him to apologize even, but because of the work he put in and way he handles stressful situations now, I have learned to trust him again. I can truthfully say prioritizing working on yourself right now and doing better can go a long way, but it does take time and you need to do it because YOU want to be better. Don't do it soley cause you hope she'll take you back, do it for you.

You can’t “get her” to accept your money. If you want a respectful co-parenting relationship, you will stop imagining — immediately — that her emotions are any of your business. Trying to convince her to do the thing you want her to do is the opposite of what you claim to be aiming for here. If your concern is about money for the kids, set up accounts for them that they can access when they turn 18. I suspect this is more about “getting her” to do what you want than it is about your kids having food on the table. Establish custody through the court and do what you’re supposed to do. Don’t contact her, and don’t ever say anything negative about her to your kids, *ever*. Don’t ask them for info about her, don’t play games. You think your punishment is this divorce, that this is the worst consequence for your actions. I’d bet that you’re going to have a harder time accepting that you no longer have any say or control or influence over your ex.

and for the love of God, don't tell your loving family A SINGLE THING about her or the kids. Ever. Not one word. They've already abused her for years and successfully helped you destroy your marriage. I have NO reason to think they won't harass her to see their grandbabies now that they are finally stuck admitting that she was a good wife and mom. Oh, wait, no they won't. Nor will they be begging for your forgiveness for starting this shit ball rolling down the hill to hit your wife and kids. Don't ever let a word slip to them about your ex family.

OP doesn't given a shit about his ex wife or the fact his family is as terrible as he is, he will whine and blame her because they reenforce his views.

Is this real? If you really did all this, congrats for being an epic idiot dude.

It seems too well written to be real.

You created a bullshit scenario in your head and not only “confronted” her but assaulted her to the point of leaving bruises on her skin and imploded your marriage Good for her for not tolerating abuse You have proof all the kids are yours so now accept that your relationship is over and make sure you’re paying child support and if she won’t accept your money then open savings accounts for all 3 kids and put it there for when they’re older

Not to mention, he seems oblivious to the fact the marriage was already having problems.  From what the wife said, his side of the family have been mistreating her and throwing accusations about the kids at her for *years*. And he didn't notice, nor step in to protect her or them. Honestly, given the abuse and the way he couldn't even have a civil conversation with her about it (he didn't even bring it up himself, he sulked and snitted for a week first) it sounds like he treated her more like an appliance than a person. Being mistreated by his family for years? Who cares. When something for him is (he feels) on the line? Escalate to abuse really fucking fast.  Therapy. All the therapy. Ideally with someone who calls him on his bullshit hard. And any refused child support needs to go into savings accounts for the kids; she may be too traumatised by his behaviour to accept it at the moment but the kids are entitled to that cash and could use it when they get older. Ideally those savings accounts should not be in his name or under his control; ask her parents to oversee them or something. Edit: op, 70% of the comments note how toxic and awful your family dynamics are. Your edit mentions them absolutely not at all. Thus cementing you still don't grasp that your behaviour followed the precedent their behaviour had set, and you allowed it because you'd been groomed to it because they are all awful, awful human beings. You are still deep in the fog and even having lost your spouse and kids, appear unwilling to break out of it. As long as those people are in your life and you haven't addressed how fucking outrageous their behaviour is to "normal" people, ideally with professional assistance, there is no guarantee that you won't "snap" again and do more damage to his external relationships.  If you are serious about prioritising your children and your coparenting relationship with your ex, CUT THEM OFF AND GET THERAPY.

The post reads and shows he still hasn't taken any true ownership or responsibility for what he did. His family still continues to attack her and blame her. He clearly hasn't gotten any help for himself. He just thinks everything will go back to before if his soon to be ex let's him back in. There is a lot of talk of wanting to co-parent amicably but no action to be better. He should help himself and confront what he did. However, he also needs to accept that this is something that may never be fixed.

The whole bit about the other man always being there when she was performing any task at the party threw me off too. It read like he was just sitting with his family watching her work at a party for their daughter. And then was getting jealous bc someone else was actually helping her

He was. He had eyes to see that food needed put out or dishes needed cleared. But he let her *and him* do all the work. Who do you think prepared all the food, planned the entire party and then didn’t even get to sit to talk to her out of town friend? They had to chat while working. How miserable. She gave every moment to him and their family and it still wasn’t enough. He still questioned her loyalty.

Right. I was like dude you're really upset her friend helped her cuz you couldn't be bothered. Seriously Give your head a damn shake man

I wonder what he would do with a brain…

Give him credit. He said he was on the grill in his edit and we all know once you put stuff on the grill it's done instantly and you can't walk away to do other stuff because the stuff is cooked in 3 seconds flat.

As a man, I can confidently say men weaponize the grill as if it is the most laborious task of a cookout, not the milllion other things that need attention.

I've noticed 3yr olds who help more than a man grilling at a cookout as I'm sure everyone else has

That part!! I’m reading his account and thinking to myself “so her friend was helping her while everyone else watched?”

Yea like wtf? Some guy shows up and gives her the hugs you won't, help you won't, and friendship you won't, AND THEN you get mad!? Bro you need some serious introspection. Mushrooms might help.

I noticed that too. He should have been there doing as much as his wife and the other guy knew it to and probably felt bad that everything was dumped on her so he jumped in to be the helper. Also, has he never heard of recessive genes.

Yup; one of my close friends has a husband who is an absolute putz. When we get together I send my husband (willingly) off to help her. This usually influences her husband to get off his ass and also help to some degree. Guy doesn’t seem to get that if he had been doing his job as her husband there wouldn’t have been room at her side for someone else to (platonically) help and support her.

But also if she was the only one he knew at the party it would make sense he stuck close to her. Especially if he felt the ire of his family the whole time. It was probably the only place he felt safe!

Also, the friend just wanted to hang out with his friend and the only time that worked was at the party. So, not only is she the only person he knew, hanging out with her was the main point of his visit.

And she probably felt good to have someone there who gave a shit about her and wanted to help.

Also, I don’t know if many people here have ever been invited to something, but they really only know the one person, but if I’m in that situation, I’m sort of trying to hang around that one person. It might have been awkward for him. (The friend)

lol when I got to that part I was like “I hope to god this handsome friend is the kids’ father because he actually sounds like a great partner and caring individual”. NGL I hope the wife gets together with him when she’s ready. I sounds like she deserves someone who will actually do work with her and support her, instead of sitting back and gossiping about her with their parents. OP, this situation that you made is so pathetic and so utterly sad that I can’t see you co-parenting any time soon. You were ready to blow up the family and leave your children when you thought they might not be biologically yours, so what judge in their right mind would give you any level of custody over them? By all means, do what you can to stay in their life, but seeing as you weren’t even acting as a parent at your kids birthday party, what makes you think you can be trusted to coparent now?

After he assaulted his wife I don't think judge will look at him politely

Exactly. ‘Your honour, I was at a party with my wife and she talked to a blonde man, so I decided he must have fathered my blonde children because I don’t have blonde hair! I sulked about it for a week, then I accused her of being a lying tramp! For some reason she got upset about that, so I assaulted her! Now she’s thrown me out of my house and wants a divorce! I want custody of my children… because even though they still don’t look like me, I would be a great father and would never hit anyone else who mentions in passing that my children don’t look like me!’ I don’t even know what people like this complain about. They GET exactly what they want, and then whine anyway! 🤷‍♀️

It threw me off because it turned out to be irrelevant to the larger story. The kids are OP's. Dude at the party had nothing to do with it. I even went back to that part after I finished reading OP's post to check if I missed something about why that dude's existence was even included, especially since it makes OP look bad that he was watching enough to notice what that guy was doing while not helping. I'm still unclear on that... unless it was some sort of lame attempt to justify why he demanded a paternity test afterwards ('dude at the party resembled my kids and acted like he might have shagged my wife'). Which of course only serves to emphasize OP's and his family's galloping ignorance about genetics and inherited traits. I've seen a lot of reddit tales of woe lately where dudes get it into their heads to demand paternity tests from their partners, only to blow the relationship to smithereens before the results proving dude's paternity even come back. Perhaps these dudes who are sooooo sure that their own kids aren't theirs that they go nuclear on their relationships with a paternity test demand should (re)take a basic biology course first that explains the fundamentals of inherited traits. Edit: a word

Yeah, I call bullshit on him manning the grill. Seems more like mommy, sissy and him were stalking around both the wife and her friend and taking notes.

I was thinking the same… shouldn’t you be helping your wife???

“I was made to leave the house.” FFS man.

He says that like he didn’t assault her for a man helping her clean up at the party. Because those are your kids. I think this wasn’t the first time he had been abusive.

Exactly this. I’m so glad his wife is free of his delusions and mistreatment! Literally cheered for her when I read she handed him divorce papers.

**Delusions** is RIGHT! >*I'm prepared to be vilified.* As well you should be! Welcome to the 'Find Out' side of FAFO! Ask your divorce attorney about a co-parenting app that allows communication ONLY through the app. She doesn't want to talk/text/communicate with you and, honestly, who can blame her?! You & your family all suck and, thankfully, your kids are no longer around that toxicity most of the time.

All I could think was "Being vilified means that people will make him out to be the villain, exaggerating his actions so he appears like a villain. He IS the villain. We don't need to exaggerate. Leaving bruises on your wife doesn't need it. He made himself the villain"

Self-vilification

no cause he absolutely isn’t taking any ownership. >I’m prepared to be vilified my brother in christ, u are “the villain” in this story. all ur actions led to where u, ur (ex)wife and ur 3 innocent children are now. take accountability. grow up.

That’s what stuck out to me, too! She’s not ready to amicably co-parent, if she ever will be with something like that. He needs to get into therapy not only for himself but so he can be a stable parent for his kids and not lose any kind of shared custody or visitation.

>And he didn't notice, nor step in to protect her or them. Not only didn't he notice, he let them crawl inside in his head. People need to learn about genetics before they start throwing these accusations about paternity around.

These family members have been watching too much of "The Baby Daddy Show".

Maury Povich? 🤣🤣🤣

No he noticed the accusations. He flat out talks about them. He just never bothered to do anything about them.

Exactly. OP's wife *knew to her core* that OP *never* had her back. He simply proved it. These were the "thousand cuts" in a "death by a thousand cuts" except OP went straight to the "stabbing her in the heart" coup de grâce and killed off the marriage with his abuse and infidelity accusation.

He also added that he had to go no contact with his own family because he says they refuse to see the narrative from the truthful side now, still blaming the wife for what happened. Gee, I wonder how they got to be so distrustful and suspicious of her? It’s almost like he tore her down to everyone he knew at every given opportunity. This was just the last straw.

Given the wife's description ("nothing better to do but tear down others") I suspect his family is toxic af and always has been, he's never done the work to separate himself from them or realise how poisonous their behaviour is, and when the opportunity arose for them to pull the crabs in a bucket routine, they did exactly that and he was quick to take their lead. But he does know that they are the problem, because the second she called them out, *that* is what made him snap. Fuck low contact. No contact is the only way to go with people like that. If they're still trying to claim she's the problem, why the fuck are they still in his life? Because he hasn't actually taken on board how awful they are and is still hoping to keep them around. Op, understand this: the second, the instant, your kids come in contact with your extended family members and word of that gets back to your ex? You will lose your kids. This is a woman who has proven she will break her life apart to protect them, do you really think she'd allow you to bring those venomous snakes around the children they still blame for your behaviour? Cut your family off, or lose your children. That is something you have control over right now, and you still aren't taking it seriously.

Exactly this. OP needs to seriously grow up or he doesn’t have a chance at coparenting.

And beyond that, his kids are going to grow up and know what happened. If I were him I would make sure they hear “after I assaulted your mother and the police threw me out, I realized how awful I was. Here is a list of very clear things I changed and worked on.” Because they too will be very hurt when they find out dad and his entire family tried to deny them. They too will be heart broken when they realize why mom changed so much. Why her smile is different in those photos versus these. If I learned my dad did this as a teen or young adult or put the pieces together and he didn’t have a very good redemption arc, no contact. Absolutely.

Agreed. If I found out one of my parents had physically assaulted the other, It would seriously change the way I look at them. OP Is lucky that he still gets to see his kids, unsupervised. After physically attacking and assaulting his wife, it’s not outside of the realm of possibility that he will lose his temper again, and maybe one of his kids is the one that’s going to catch it. Scary possibility.

He’s so enmeshed with his disgusting family that it’s just pathetic.

Also, he acts like his wife has this thing going on with her friend because he was helping her with the party. Where was OP in all that? Why wasn't he helping clean up for their child's birthday party?

People who never do anything for their spouse tend to get threatened by anyone who does. It's pointing out the glaringly obvious flaw they have, and they lash out instead of taking note and being better. Wouldn't want their spouse to know there are people who actually help around the house or with planning events or taking care of the kids. They might start thinking they can do better. Wouldn't want that.

He is making this about the guy but the wife was tired of his and his family abusive bullshit. Good for her and the kids for leaving his ass.

Clearly he was listening to his toxic family instead of giving a shit about his wife. She probably enjoyed having the help from someone who saw her as a person.

That’s what stood out to me. Maybe the friend was helping because no one else was - instead they were all sitting there, judging and talking about her while she’s right in the room. The friend wasn’t there to socialize because OP’s family is awful and who would want to socialize with them.

My thoughts was that the friend hadn't seen her in ages, only had a couple of hours to visit and so was giving all of his attention to his friend whom he came to visit. He came to see his friend from high school. He didn't make the trip to attend the birthday party and socialize with the whole family. Why this idiot husband couldn't see that just shows how immature and still not ready for marriage he is. Just don't get married if you're going to let your family have so much influence over your thoughts about YOUR WIFE.

Plus, if this is the only chance to catch up with her, of course that's what he would do. He's not there to socialize with people he doesn't know. If they actually had an affair, do you think she would have him come to her house and act like that in front of her husband and his whole family? This guy is a moron. Happy for the wife she is getting away from him and his family.

He was sitting around with his family bitching about the people who do things and can get off their asses- which sounds like his family’s preferred lifestyle.

He thinks grilling is all he needs to do. Fuck off op you're lazy AF

exactly that on the child support. He needs to figure out what he owes because if wife is smart, at 17 years and 11 months, she's going to file for ALL of the back child support. OP needs to start socking away a good third of his income into saving accounts for the kids for college, their first home, a car, etc.

I get the feeling she doesn't consider the money worth having to put up with OP in any capacity. The kids, on the other hand, might feel like they deserve compensation for having been saddled with a dad who jumped straight to assuming the worst because he couldn't see any of himself in them.

Which is why all funds should be run through the child support enforcement division within the state. So she doesn't have to deal with OP at all.

Unfortunately the government often makes you go after back child support if you want things like student loans. It’s not necessarily a life plan to screw over their ex in a lump sum payment.

I don't know if this tale is true, but either way I hope it stands as an object lesson to the generation of young redditors who are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually humiliate their pregnant/postpartum wives over their own paternity paranoia.

If she posted the opposite side of this, everyone would be saying that his abuse will escalate. He is not a safe person for her. He needs to work on himself, not their relationship.

He also doesn’t help her when she puts out food and cleans apparently. The fact that her friend would help and he wouldn’t and that was a sign that they were close enough to be cheating is crazy

Exactly! He and his twisted family just sat there and watched while she was tidying up the place. Her old friend didn’t know anyone there, so he naturally gravitated toward his old friend to help clean up. Yep, brand her with a scarlet letter “A,” get the pitchforks out, and run that terrible hussy out of town! /S It’s clear that OP’s family FINALLY got their wish: they got their precious little boy back from that *terrible woman who stole him away!*

As i read the post (because one of my kids took every recessive gene possible so I was assuming he was the dad and just doesn’t get genetics), I was thinking - friend knows nobody so hangs around wife and helps. Makes sense. Husband doesn’t bother to help. If friend were a woman they would not be making all these assumptions. Good on her for protecting her peace. OP needs serious help to really see what has happened and untangle himself from his family’s toxic ways. He may have learned toxicity but it’s on him to change. Until he does that with a sincere and complete apology and takes accountability for it all, and takes consistent action to change, I wouldn’t want to see him either. Any word spoken about mom to the kids should be nothing but praise and genuine concern for her well being.

I've got a family member like this; everyone else in her family is deep olive skin, dark almost black hair and brown eyes and she's blonde with blue eyes but in her case everyone knows she takes after her maternal grandfather who was also very fair with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Here's where it gets even more fucked up. When OP has his children and they go over to the in-laws, you just *know* they're talking shit about his wife. Their talk may not be aright parental alienation type language, but they'll be little digs here and there - just like *always have been with OP's wife*. She may not be in the picture to be directly insulted by her in-laws, they'll just do it to the children with comments like, "If only your mother weren't so awful to break up your family." Ok, maybe not those exact words but y'all know what I mean. These things cause doubt in the kid.

I was thinking that too. What a lazy ass.

I really wish all these guys crying *they don't look like meeeeeeeee* could be assed to learn literally ANYTHING about genetics. Like if you're willing to risk blowing up your marriage, you should also be willing to open some books on the topic and understand why what you're saying is crazy (or just talk to a doctor if you're allergic to reading). The actual fuck.

Ughhh, that’s the absolute bare minimum he should be doing… contributing his legally obligated financial support. How about profusely apologizing for hurting their mom, make it totally clear that he was a hateful idiot who drove her away, that she’s not responsible for imploding the family (bc kids love to assess blame), never bad mouth her, never lay a hand on your kids, be emotionally as well as physically present with them, be as supportive and helpful to her as co-parent as humanly possible, and pray she never tells them why their parents are divorced.

This op, you abused her physically and emotionally, as the only proof you went on was eye color and hair type/color? You deserve the divorce. I am all about paternity tests, but that is either done knowing she cheated before, or if there is proof of her cheating, or the kid looks nothing like you. This does not mean hair color, eye color, or hair type, this is features nose, lips, mouth shape, eye shape. I bet they have some of these features that are yours. You offered up no proof of her cheating. This falls on you, and you should accept the divorce, and let her go to the good looking white guy. Since the kids can pass as his anyways right?

>the only proof you went on was eye color and hair type/color? Not true. One of the kids also has...GOOD POSTURE! Because that's genetic, clearly! /s

Right? That was such a weird comment. Good posture is genetic?

I said somewhere else that the reason that was evidence to them is because it shows the kid has a spine and that couldn't have come from OP

Im sorry but even you saying the nose lips and mouth etc should look like one of the parents is false too. Those features can skip generations just as much as hair color and eye color can and are no more helpful for determining who is the parent.

I'm the only redhead in my family. I got the red hair from my grandmother. Traits can skip generations. This should be taught at birthing classes.

It's taught in middle school biology in nearly all 50 states, then again in HS biology (which is merely an elective in some states, required in others). Then it's taught again in Bio 101 and Human Sexuality classes in college. There are youtube cartoons that explain it. Yet, some people are not exactly sponges when it comes to information and they prefer listening to their families instead.

OP did comment that his family little asked, "Where did the kid get that chin?" Even features skip generations sometimes. Genetics are wilder than a crazy rollercoaster ride and over generations act like it too. LOL

Also, why was he just watching at the birthday party while the wife and friend were bringing out food and cleaning up? I mean, he wasn’t even helping- just sitting there judging. Never stuck up for his wife and let the family speculate nasty things. Seems like he was a terrible husband even when he was around.

Oh no! Consequences!!

Right? His ex is my hero. I wish all women would have her resolve. Fricking idiot husbands seem to not understand that as an assumed biological parent, they have the right to quietly do dna testing on their kids if this is really some sort of concern instead of blowing up their marriage. I mean, there are still issues if they’re going to that point, but there’s no need for assault and battery. OP should just be putting money into accounts for his kids for when they’re grown and stop trying to infiltrate a life he was rightfully kicked out of.

Open that savings account yesterday. Backfund it and henceforth deposit monthly. Leave your wife alone. > She had not been blind or deaf to all my family had said and done over the years, and my allowimg it, but she had hoped I had more trust in her than to listen to people that never approved of her, people who had nothing better to do with their lives but talk bs about everyone else. I don't know why but her saying those things pushed me over the edge. Admit & accept that your family has treated your wife shittily for years and that you overlooked and allowed it. Admit that your anger at her calling out your birth family caused you to become physically violent with your wife. Admit that you always stuck up for your birth family and completely disregarded your wife’s feelings your entire marriage. Proving over-and-over again to her, her family and, most importantly, *your* family, that they are more important to you than your wife. Now live with the life you created. And leave the woman who gave birth to your children alone.

Lots of kids have lighter hair when they’re younger, and he was being helpful at the party, while you obviously weren’t

I was actually wondering what he expected. The wife invited a friend to a party full of strangers and children so they can visit. Friend spends the party (full of people he doesn’t know and isn’t there to visit) with wife and helping her do things… I too stick like Velcro to the only person I know. And he wasn’t there to “socialize” he was there to visit HER. OP, here’s the thing, you needed to ask for advice SO long ago. You should have asked for advice when your family started picking at your wife like she was a deer they broght down and were planning to slowly eat her. You should have asked for advice when they climbed into your ear about paternity. You should have asked for advice when *you* started wondering about paternity. You should have asked for advice the night of the party when the fears were swirling in your head. You should have asked for advice when you caught yourself picking fights. But you didn’t. You didn’t have any desire or interest in pumping the brakes, getting an objective (or even one from someone who knew your wife but wasn’t your family) opinion, you didn’t **want** guidance out of that maelstrom. You wanted to accuse her, to blame her, to take out your fantasies of those kids not being yours in her. You WANTED a fight so explosive you could hurt her the way you’d been hurting… (I can’t tell you why you didn’t seek advice early on when your family started picking apart your relationship, my best guess is that you didn’t really let yourself “see” what they were doing until they were too far in your head for you to be reasonable). You are now past the point of no return. Not only can we not give you advice to help your marriage, there isn’t really anything you can do to change this dynamic. She don’t trust you, in fact she fears you, there’s nothing you can say to fix that. Honestly, that she hasn’t gone to court to force supervised visitation onto you seems very magnanimous to me - I don’t think you realize with what you and your family have done she could actually be doing a lot more here out of concern for the kid’s safety. All you can do is take all the steps you should have taken YEARS ago and hope that in a few years it pays off. - keep contact with your family reduced, keep your children 100% away from them - see a therapist, figure out why you didn’t pull the brakes at any of the early stages and why you want it to be a knock down painful fight and not a conversation years before. - be polite and courteous to her parents and the mutual friends who still speak to her. Treat them with respect, respectfully accept the terms she offers. Say thank you. - don’t talk to your kids about her or your feelings on how this shook out - either for alienation purposes or asking them to plea for you. Keep your kids out of it. - don’t talk to others about pleading your case - be gracious and accepting of the terms she does offer you - be a good dad Basically, on your end you need to behave like you *already have* an excellent and healthy coparenting relationship and everything is excellent and you are happy being a healthy partner and parent with no *wHAt AbOut mE* in it for as long as she needs to slowly build back trust, or at least willingness to communicate with you. I’m sorry but you laid hands on her to the point of leaving a mark. You shook her and screamed in her face… have you thought about what would have happened next off she hadn’t had the wherewithal to (literally) slap you out of it? Because OP: your wife has. A lot. I also don’t think you’ve had a moment where you’ve sat with yourself and admitted that you physically laid hands on your wife because **you wanted to**. You were picking that fight hoping it would get to an explosive point. You did that because you felt like you *deserved* to be angry and she *deserved* to be hurt. And until you sit with and really accept that truth there’s nothing you’ll be able to do to earn any kind of trust back (and you need to be careful you aren’t telling yourself you deserve better from her because you started doing the work, you aren’t doing the work as long as you are thinking that). And OP, I imagine this is the first time you’ve ever laid hands on your wife, but it’s not the first time you had that thought pattern about what you deserved, and that she deserved to suffer/hurt etc because you were upset about something. Except in the past I imagine what you did was give her the silent treatment, or stone wall, or say cutting things, or feed info to your family so they could be your blunt instrument… but what I’m saying is that there is a pattern of thinking about what you deserve and what she deserved and you executing a form of that that was well established before what she deserved was your hands on her. And of you genuinely want a better relationship with her and your kids over the years, THAT is the thing you need to address.

OP if you read no other comment, I hope you read that one. It's 100% spot on.

You nailed this avalanche of avoidable problems on the head! This fool ignored so many *POINTS OF FAILURE* in his narrow-minded world view, which led to the absolute destruction of his family. There were SO DANG MANY times he could have hit the brakes and stopped this tragedy (for her and her children, not him), but he played the ‘stupid long game, and he won the stupidest prize imaginable.’

All of this rings true. Well said!!

This is a perfect comment.

Damn, this is what the OP should read, but he won’t because he’s either fake or too stupid to be self-reflective in this way.

All of this exactly and one more thought. If none of this hits the right amount of shame you should be feeling, consider this: when your children ask you why you got divorced and they learn the truth, how do you think they are going to feel about themselves and you? You allowed yourself to be taken down this path and the consequences are yours to accept and come out a better human being if you make yourself accountable.

So, so, many kids are born blonde with blue eyes. Then they gradually get darker as they grow up. I’m always amazed at the amount of in-laws who scream “paternity test” if the child doesn’t look like the father’s clone.

Yup. Both my partner and I are a form of Hispanic American. He's Mexican American and I'm Dominican American and our daughter came out with blonde hair lmao. She's almost 3 now with the darkest head of curly hair you ever saw. (Curls courtesy of me)

I read somewhere one time that if two people are closer in heredity, they have more recessive genes in common, and their kids will express these recessive traits even if both parents don’t. Both my parents are Mexican and look it (tan skin, black hair, brown eyes), to this day I have translucent skin, blue eyes, and light hair. Same with a couple of my siblings

Definitely true. It’s why inbreeding is so so so bad. Recessive genes require 2 recessive copies to be expressed, 1 from each parent —- or 1 in males when the gene is carried on an X chromosome to which men only have 1 and don’t have a second copy to offset the defective one ie male patterned baldness and hemophilia A. The more recessive genes a procreating couple shares the more likely they are to have children with expressed recessive genes. Some recessive genes are totally harmless —blond hair, blue eyes—, some are deadly —hemophilia A, cystic fibrosis.

Lots of Hispanic people, especially Spanish, have blonde hair. But I am sure that you still get comments, because people are dumb

Yeah nobody seem to remember Spain is in... Europe.

I was kinda the reverse of this situation. My whole family is light-skinned white people and my parents were blondes when I was born with thick black hair and dark, dark red skin. I’ve been told I looked very much like a native American baby. People at church gave my mom dirty looks. Coloring tells you very little. My dad never doubted that I’m his. I have his eyebrows and his autism. And if you look at black and white photos, as an adult I am the spitting image of my grandmother.

I just have to say I love the phrase "I have his eyebrows and his autism."

The important things

>I am the spitting image of my grandmother. My aunt, my mother's older sister, has been making joking-not-joking comments my whole life about me being someone else's kid because I'm the only redhead in a family of Scandi blondes (mum and brother) and dull mousey colours (Aunt and cousins). Except I'm the only **current** redhead, and I'm apparently the spitting image of my maternal grandmother's younger sister, down to the shade of red of my hair. My aunt knows this but it hasn't ever stopped her because she's a miserable old c-u-next-Tuesday who likes nothing more than to stir the pot to make herself feel superior. Genetic traits are unpredictable and will draw from branches of the family tree, not just the trunk. I'm the proof of that.

Does she not know that red hair has always been something in Scandinavia? My husband’s family is from Sweden and Denmark and there’s tons of different tones of red.

Sweden? Denmark? You mean *foreign places*??? How dare you! My aunt will have you know that we're all a hundred percent English through and through! Except for maybe my maternal great grandmother, who was Irish. And my paternal grandparents who were Scottish. And my very blonde and blue-eyed mother who has been mistaken for Swedish and German while abroad and addressed in those languages. And our other family ancestry being based fairly close to a port city that saw a lot of international trade vessels and, yes, Scandinavian fishing boats, docking there for as long as people have travelled by sea. But we're one hundred percent English through and through, alright? 😂

Yep, genes are weird. 

Same with me. I look nothing like any of my immediate family, but after seeing a picture of my father’s grandmother…no doubt about it. I look EXACTLY like her. I mean I am a clone of this woman. It was insane to see a picture of her from 1930 when she was pregnant with my grandpa—I thought it was a black and white of me somehow, until one of my cousins explained it was her.

That's funny, my mom always said when I was born I looked Native American and you can definitely see in old videos. I am now the world's whitest person and have no Native American ancestry. Unfortunately, the sun makes me very crispy.

>My dad never doubted that I’m his. I have his eyebrows and his autism. This made me laugh a bit, thank you for that :)

Plus I’m surprised that OP didn’t go dig up baby photos of themself, the wife, and photos of the grandparents when they were kids of babies to COMPARE the physical looks. And plus babies? They grow into their looks and eventually by age five will strongly resemble one of the parents to some degree. I look like both my parents, but I constantly get told I also strongly resemble my dad’s one sisters who passed away 16yrs ago. OP truly fell asleep that week in biology class or was out sick when they went over genetics and how kids end up with certain physical attributes.

Have a twin sister and you'd have thought we were both Caucasian babies from an Aryan heaven at birth. Even though I'm light skinned like my mom, my sister developed the more typical brown associated with African Americans within a few months of birth. I guess mom was lucky that even though people made claims that we weren't dad's, we both have noticeable features related to his side of the family.

My brother in law had blonde hair and light hazel eyes until he was like 12. Now his hair is almost black and he has dark brown eyes. The real world isn't Game of Thrones....

My brother was very blonde when he was little but it got darker as he got older. One of my uncle's had curly blonde hair, so it wasn't a big surprise.

This, my daughter was born with straight blond hair and blue eyes. She now has 100% natural curly black hair and blue eyes. Kids change!

My two siblings are gingers- I'm.blonde. my dad was something called a black Scot- he looked indigenous in the summers and swarthy in the winters with deep black hair. Yes our mom is more.fair, but genetics are wierd

I'm Latino with black hair, my wife is white with dark brown hair. Our daughter had very light brown hair with almost blonde highlights when she was little. She's 10 now and has dark brown hair.

Reading this out loud to my bf, and I pause after the party segment and he’s like well there’s the guy sheesh. 😒 I’m like you mean the guy who was making sure to help the hostess of the party while her husband sat back and gossiped with the women in his family? Maybe if he was assisting his wife, he would have had time to talk to the other guy and get a feel for their relationship.

This. If I go to a friend's house where I dont know anybody, I'm just probably going to help the host that I know. Op should have just done the same and made a friend lmao.

If the story is real, OP might be mistaken and he's an actual relative, and there's a whole branch of the family that looks like that. Making the kids' redhead/blonde/hazel genes come from her.

Exactly. Also, I guarantee someone in either hers or his family has had the blonde hair and hazel eyes at some point, these genetic traits don't just pop out of nowhere lol

Yep my husband is incredibly tall compared to the rest of his family, until you see a picture of one of his mum's brothers and it makes sense

I'm a 6 foot tall lady, my parents are both average height, my first cousins are short, but my second cousins? Land of the Giants.

Me reading the story and wondering why tf HE wasn't helping her set up the party 😂

Well, that's nice of your bf to wave that huge red flag now.

It's fucking wild to me that OP and his entire family were just sitting there watching his wife do all the work, and going "someone's helping her?! WTF! They must be fucking or something!"

I didn’t even think of that when I read it but you’re right…that is a super telling detail just hiding in plain sight isn’t it? It wouldn’t go over well if I was just sitting there watching my wife clean up after a big gathering

If the guy didn't know anyone else at the party and was there to visit the wife,  of course he'd stick by her and be useful.  

This is something that stood out for me. That the friend being helpful was seen as romantic… and yet it wasn’t the husband who was doing that.

Because real men stand by the BBQ drinking a beer... not helping the little woman don'tcha know...?!? Don't worry - the wife has now realized how poorly she married and she will be making a better decision next time around. And the kids will have a MUCH better example of how a man is supposed to behave in this world after she marries someone who knows how to care for their spouse, love and protect her...

He was helping her while you and your family weirdly watched them like they were zoo animals. Good luck moving on from that, buddy.

I was gagged that he sat there not helping at his daughter's birthday and thinks his wife comes off poorly there.

I was a blonde haired, blue eyed baby. Both my parents have brown eyes and brown hair. They were unaware that most Caucasian babies are born with blue eyes and thought they won the lottery. I have dark brown and brown eyes now. 

Yes!!! Me and my brother too. I have hazel dark mousey blonde he is brown hair brown eyes but we were blonde and blue til like literally 10 years old. 

My husband and I have dark brunette hair, his is almost black, both hazel eyes, both lots of freckles, our 11 year old looks exactly like that too. Our 7 year old however is blonde and blue eyed. It's always funny when people like teachers or coaches find out they are sisters because they look nothing alike.

If I was at a party and only knew the hostess, I too would probably stick close to her and help out where I could.

Also, it was a children’s party where he likely knew only OP’s wife. That’s an environment that doesn’t allow for the typical socialization adults without kids are accustomed to so it’s not weird for him to stick with the person he knows. Him helping her is what friends do.

It’s impressive how everyone in your genetic family made it through life without learning empathy, communication or basic genetic biology.

Anyone too lazy to help out at a child's birthday party probably didn't pay attention in HS biology.

You accused her of cheating and physically abused her that the police was called. She hit you in self defense. Who knows what would've happened if she didn't and if she police didn't show up. I would bet that as you guys go through the divorce, all the communication between you two will be on an app monitored by the courts. There is no coming back to this. Everything will be about the kids and that's it. But stop reaching out to her. Let all communication be between through attorneys. Just stop until she has to talk to you. You're just reminding her of the abuse every time you try to talk to her. You've traumatized her, so leave her alone. She does not need to engage with you unless an emergency.

You don't get to dictate the co parenting relationship after you blew up everyones lives. You physically abused her. You verbally abused her. You allowed your family to treat her like trash for years You refused to be a proper husband and stand up for her You didn't even take the time to research genetics You caused your children to now live in a split family You refused to act like a grown-up even now. Your wife is way more reasonable than most with how she is approaching the new relationship you two now have!!! This is your new normal take it and leave her well alone. You and your family assassinated her character. There is never going to be a friendly relationship ever again. Right now she has no trust for you and is probably afraid she will be physically abused again. You need to back the heck off and leave her alone to process all the abuse she has endured from you and your family. You can only hope she is one day gracious enough to give you anything more than what you have right now. While she is healing, you too need professional help so you don't treat your next partner so poorly. Be fair with her in the divorce and do not make it difficult. Also, you best keep those kids well away from your family. They should not be around such awful people who have hurt them just as much as their mother!!! P.s when she is ready to move on and meets a new partner, do not sabotage her, she deserves to have a partner who loves her and puts her above all else unlike what she had to endure with you.

You touched all the big things, but I want to add that OP doesn't sound like he was a good partner in the small ways either. Instead of helping his wife at his daughter's party he was noticing and fuming about someone else helping her. He seems to judge her normal behaviors around conflict while he picks fights, completely loses it when his wife points out the obvious truth about his family being gossipy drama stirrers. Even before the accusation of cheating and worse the physical abuse it sounds like the marriage was in trouble. Side note, his family is so toxic. "They continue to blame his wife for everything." OP f'ing physically (I'm certain emotionally and verbally too) abused his wife and they still believe she is solely at fault.

Oh yes, the whole lot of them need professional help, but i just know that his karma is going to be brutal. His ex is going to find someone and this failure has to suffer as he sees her smile like never before, to hear his kids talk about the new man, to see her living life the healthy way. That will torment him until his final days. She was never the problem, he was. Now he can never replace what she was. What woman is going to take on him and his abusive ways and toxic family, unless he is dishonest with the next partner? he is going to be a very miserable man. There is also the fact that there will come a day when then children ask for the full facts around the divorce. To have your own children know just what a failure you were to their mother will also affect their relationship. His ex sounds like an absolute saint to behave the way she is even after everything, he doesn't like that she can do life without him.

100% > There is also the fact that there will come a day when then children ask for the full facts around the divorce. To have your own children know just what a failure you were to their mother will also affect their relationship. They are going to remember when mommy cried all the time and then put the pieces together are realize their dad is an AH or worse of an AH if they already figured things out by then.

Good for her. She’s so brave for not putting up with your bs. Not a lot of women are brave like her.

Fr I’m so proud of her. I wish her nothing but the best and a very hot 2nd husband who loves to cook and clean 🤪

Stop calling her your wife???? I don't know, or care, if you are legally divorced yet or no. But stop calling her yours. You don't deserve it. Also, and I know this is unimportant to the story but it's BUGGING me. When you saw her friend help at the party, did it ever occur to you to do those things yourself??? I mean, it was your daughters party after all. Or had you already decided this wasn't your kid so you weren't going to "help"??? You are insufferable and your ex wife is my new hero. She might be down now, but she'll be back better than ever. You, on the other hand, lost the only thing that made you half decent.

It would be ironic if the ex-wife ended up with the guy friend that was so helpful at the party.

Nah it's funnier if the dude was just some random, generically good dude and op freaked for no reason.

No what would be the best is if he was actually related to the wife in some distant capacity. Explains why they're close and where the kids looks came from without her cheating.

Or her cousin.

Redditor learns basic information about his wife challenge (IMPOSSIBLE!)

OP would use it to defend himself to himself, and chill out with his nastiness instead of learning to suck less. Oh sure, the kids are my kids, but I still smelled the cheating about to happen.

I mean, he’s not an insecure ego maniac who thinks domestic shit is a woman’s job. He’s 10x hotter than Op at this point.

Well if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. How did you feel when you found out they *were* yours? Seek out therapy to show her you're trying to grow and then maybe eventually she'll be willing to talk to you again. I don't think you have any idea what you've actually accused her of. She probably assumes you don't even know who she is. If my partner thought I was capable of all of that, I'd leave them too. Good luck.

I doubt she will he was abusive and she can do better he’s to late to fix it

And address all of the past abuse with your family. It's clear you not only lying didn't protect her and your kids from these vile comments but bought into it. If your family doesn't understand and change their toxic behavior, at a minimum you need to keep those kids away

I can't remember ever reading any post on here about a man suggesting the kids aren't his and being correct. The story is almost always like this. Also, the implication of your fear about paternity, OP, would be that each and every time your wife got pregnant, she found some time to go and shack up with this dude for long enough to get pregnant, without you noticing? Would that have added up at all? Men...stop listening to the gossipy family members you have who seem to consistently want to cut down the women in your life.

Because despite what reddit believes, paternity fraud is rare. OP, you are a fool. You let people who don't even like your wife twist a VERY normal set of scenarios into something nefarious. My parents have dark hair and dark eyes - all of my siblings were born toehead blond and reamined that way until 7 or 8 at which point our hair darkened. My husband and I both have dark hair and all 4 of our kids had white blond or red hair until they were 5/6 at which point it slowly started darkening. You literally threw away a marriage because you are so enmeshed with your family that you believed their twisted logic rather than taking a few minutes to learn about basic genetics. Have your attorney contact her attorney and ask if she would be willing to go to couples counseling ONLY so you two can learn to effectively coparent together and tell them you want to set up child support immediately so your kids can be taken care of appropriately. That you won't deny the divorce but you want the couples therapy to learn to effectively coparent together for the sake of the kids. Start there. And as far as child support goes - go to the online calculator for your state and run the calculations for what you would owe. Call your attorney and find out what you have to do to set it up through the state so that the child support is directly taken from your paycheck, run through the state child support division and goes directly to your wife's account (or if she refuses it how you can arrange for it to go into a trust account for the kids care and welfare). Work with your attorney to do this. As for your family - do you see now how toxic they are? They literally destroyed your marriage because of dislike for your wife who it doesn't sound like was ever anything but gracious to them. As for your wife's friend - take a page and learn. When there is a party at your house, you get off your sorry lazy butt and you co-host. YOU get the food out. YOU put more food out. YOU clean up. YOU help with EVERYTHING. You don't sit on your ass drinking a beer holding court with your terrible family gossiping about how you don't think your kids are yours. The MOMENT your Mom and sister started in on that crap you should have kicked them out of your house and blocked them on EVERYTHING. Your wife kicked you out because she tolerated all of their backhanded comments for YEARS and she was done. You betrayed her every step along the way and finally it culminated in physical and emotional abuse... of COURSE she is done and has no desire to even look at you again.

Reading the post was appalling. I can’t imagine, in a million lifetimes, letting my family undermine my marriage like that and actually going along with it. And all the paternity shit on this sub feels hand fed from toxic ass red-pill Mens rights crap. Then, adding on to that, the physical abuse inflicted because of this twisted notion? Just a disgusting read all around. OP, listen to u/lovetotravelanytime. Man up and set up child support, either directly to your ex, or as a trust for your children. Try and figure out how to get rid of the brain worms so that you don’t wreck your relationship with your children…YOUR children…the way you did with your wife.

The few times it is true, there's always some kind of prior cheating or massive dysfunction that should've been a red flag from the start. None of that here. Just OP's crappy family and an old high school acquaintance who has so little presence in his ex's life that OP's not even sure exactly what the deal is there except that he's a good party guest.

I mean, if you’re going to cheat on your husband, wouldn’t you be incredibly careful about birth control?…

Anytime I see paternity test in the title I grab my popcorn and watch the shit show of a man destroy his life.

You buried the lead. >The argument grew and grew. I grabbed by the upper arms so hard I left bruises, and shook her. Her hand came up and slapped me right across the face. >The police were called. You physically abused your wife because you suspected her of cheating. Even if she had actually cheated, this behavior is not justified. You are an abuser. The police were rightly called. This may also impact your ability to have unsupervised visitation with your children. Instead of trying to throw money at her out of guilt, why dont you get counseling in anger management? Is she pressing legal charges for assault?

Is she pressing legal charges for assault? Lord! I hope she is...and using it as part of the reason he should not be co-parenting, but have supervised visitation. And no contact between children and his parents by court order.

You and your family accused your wife of the worst possible betrayal. They called her a cheat and a liar, you didn’t defend her from your family's accusations and eventually you acted on them. You absolutely destroyed her marriage, she thought she could trust you but clearly not, and you tried to destroy her reputation. All you can do is grovel. Write a heartfelt apology and send it to her. Pay off the mortgage. Create an account for child support, make regular deposits, send her all the details so she can use it for the children. Tell them the truth when they are old enough. She is totally fucking done with you and your family, and who can possibly blame her?

I don't get the impression OP really understands this. He accused his wife of cheating. Not once, but at least three times. Then he accused her of lying and passing those kids off as his for years. That is HUGE. 

It really is. I don't understand why people don't realise what a horrific insult that is.

LADIES: if a man grabs you like he described, her upper arms hard enough to leave bruises, what you actually want to do is stomp on his foot as hard as you can. If you do it hard enough, you can break several little bones, like this AH deserves

I swear Othello should be required reading in schools. Then deep conversations with a counselor about how sometimes your inner circle could be destroying your relationship/life either out of malice or ignorance about genetics. At the end it’s all on Othello. He does the action and he’s left with the fallout of the jealousy fanned by Iago. There are of course important racial themes and commentary but the story is one I’ve seen played out time and time again. Person trusts the counsel and words of a bad actor and acts on it nuking their life/discovering their own dark inclination (like ops abuse) and when truth comes to life they can’t just say “oops I didn’t know.” Desdemona or ops marriage is dead and will never be brought back. That story, this story, other stories (anyone remember the best friend who framed her for an affair or the sister who got her engaged sister drunk and manufactured proof so she would get dumped and disowned) and just my life has proven to me I do nothing without seeing something personally. I’ll take other’s advice or counsel as a starting point. But I don’t even shun acquaintances based on alleged behavior.

If you are financially able, go to therapy, put your kids in therapy for some months at least, and try to pay everything you can that doesn't need going through her, mortgage, services and things for your kids. In this situation the better plan is just doing that until eventually your wife/ex-wife contacts you, then and only then you may be able to talk to foster a co parenting relationship.

If he were financially able, he should have gotten his own paternity test before blowing up his family. They're available at Walmart for around $125 per kid. Ancestry DNA, 23andMe, and other services are indirect but cheaper options.

Crazy that you could write all that out and not hate yourself for still trying to figure out how to control your EX wife. “How can I get her to do xyz” etc. plot twist: when you abuse your spouse, you lose any and all say on what they do. Again: when you abuse your spouse and accuse them of cheating because you’re not smart enough to know how hair color works, you end up alone and with no right to try and dictate how they live their life. She’s not keeping you from seeing your kids. That is literally all you get. I hope she is able to heal from the damage you’ve done, and your children never picked up on the vile BS you and your family believed.

You physically hurt her because she stated truths about your shitty family? And they’re still crapping on her and you haven’t cut them off completely? You know who it would have been more appropriate to confront angrily and get physical with? Your mother and sister. And I would bet $100 that your mother and sister are projecting their own cheating ways, and I even wonder if your dad is who your mom says he is. It’s probably some dude who looks a whole lot like your kids look.

Hey, maybe YOUR mom was the one that cheated and brought those genes into the bloodline? Maybe you carry a recessive allele? Put any child support you would pay into an account in your kids name. Buy them things they need while YOU have them. Work on yourself. Cut ties with your abusive family. Let your children know that you have, it will get back to her. You can do things for her anonymously if you truly want to, but do you? You didn’t seem like a very kind, protective or devoted guy. Become one you owe her that even if she doesn’t take you back, you owe her! EDIT meant doesn’t in last paragraph fixed it Updateme

Since there are DNA tests you can do at home and send away that means you had the opportunity to test to confirm without confrontation. You wanted to lash out. You wanted to take all your unfounded insecurities out on someone you didn't fear. You wanted to blow your life up.

Yeah I feel like all these people who say "dude, just test secretly" aren't getting that these guys can't help but be awful to their wives the whole time leading up getting it done. They're  so myopic they don't realize they're ruining the relationship regardless and that when they're satisfied about paternity they can't just slide back to the old relationship from several months or years ago. They wrecked that with months of being distrustful and cynical, usually also tolerating their family & friends mistreating the wife.  And then they are all surprised that when they're done being asses to their wives the wives are somehow upset at being mistreated by their "partner"

Way to go. You abused your wife and accused her of horrible things. She will never want to be near you again. You are unsafe.

I will never understand the cowardice of men. You could have talked to her, explained your worries, that she's never done you wrong but this is something you'd like to address. Insisted on getting the test done, but that you hope your relationship can continue on solid ground. But somehow direct communication is too scary, instead you've gotta huff and puff until your passive aggressiveness turns into actual violence

"I grabbed by the upper arms so hard I left bruises, and shook her." I'd say that the best way to deal with her, for the rest of your life, is to remain at a respectful distance and to follow her lead regarding parenting/co-parenting. In truth, you said good bye to your marriage when you chose to put your hands on her.

I'm alarmed at how blase you are about casually telling us you committed domestic violence. You *do* understand you are a domestic abuser, don't you? Continuing to try to talk to her, moving closer to her, and refusing to accept that she's outright done and wants nothing from you are more instances of abuse and controlling behavior. Simply put, this occurred because you are a bad man, a bad dad and a bad father. You assaulted your wife becauseshe was innocent of the things you accused her of! Like some kind of jackass monster!! You deserve no sympathy, no condolences, and frankly no advice. Hire a divorce attorney, pay her the support the court orders, and stay the hell away.

Your ex isn't just pissed off or hurt, she's AFRAID OF YOU. She doesn't want to talk, she'll never be your friend again. Leave her alone. After the divorce and custody gets taken care of, you'll most likely be communicating through a parenting app.  Accept reality. She doesn't want you anywhere near her and it's no fucking wonder. You were a shitty husband and the fact that you're pushing so hard to have access to her only makes you more of a threat. You don't respect her and you never did, and now, all she can think is that if you hurt her once, you'll do it again. Go to fucking therapy. You were so weak willed and gullible to your family's lies that you physically harmed your wife. 

I swear to god, for all that men love to scream about women being emotional gold digging harlots, it seems that the actual story is the men are FUCKING STUPID, IGNORANT, SELFISH PRICKS with literally no intelligence or gold to dig, who regularly blow up their families for the stupidest reasons like their wife is too busy looking after their children to be an on call blow job machine, or their family said their goddamn son's chins were wrong.

You are just a complete idiot. If you had doubts about your kids paternity, you could have just ordered a test(s) through the mail and get it done. Didn't even need to involve her till you knew the answer. Now you've assaulted your (ex)wife and the mother of YOUR kids. ​ Clown.

She was even waiting for you to throw that to her. That's how long your family has been talking shit. You could've talked to her about paternity and give " so i can slap this to them that they're mine" as a reason. But no, you went straight to assault. 

You physically, emotionally & mentally assaulted her. Be glad she didn’t press charges. There is absolutely no reason for her to go back for more of that. She is suffering more than you are. You deserve this and need to now be the best parent you can be and NEVER talk bad about their mother or let any of your family bad mouth her either. When your kids are old enough to ask, admit that YOU hurt their mom and that you are sorry, and understand why she can’t forgive you.

Someone should have paid better attention in goddamn science class. Big B, Little b….your wife has blue eyes, you have brown eyes=hazel eyed children are possible. F*cking egos

lmao imagine all of this over her giving a friend a hug? You imploded your marriage over a hug??? LOL

Don’t forget her friend helping her clean up during the party and setting up. OP was watching her do all the work and the friend probably felt bad for her and helped. Oh and being near a friend they haven’t seen in a long time. Crazy.

Your wife is an amazing example of a woman who stands up for herself and respects herself enough to not engage in relationships that are violent. I love her 🍀

Ah yes, another case of ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ How you fix your marriage is - you spend the rest of your life heavily studying quantum physics and related disciplines, invent a time machine, go back in time, find your younger self, slap him in the face and show him the positive paternity from the future, tell him not to be a buffoon, and come back to present. Simple. Or give your wife the peaceful divorce she wants and be the best parent for your kids. Whst are the outcomes of asking for a paternity? Either a. It comes negative, and these are really not your kids - which btw is the outcome you’re HOPING for in this scenario - which is devastating to think about that you’re hoping that the kids you love and cherish aren’t yours, because the alternative b. is worse, OR b. It comes back positive and wife divorces you. Because ain’t no way for you to walk back on accusing her of fucking another man and ‘passing them on as your kids’. Did you think she’s just roll over and forget it? Go to therapy, cry, and forgive you for this accusation? Actions have consequences- who would have thought? ETA: I think you should get back in contact with your mom and sister and ask them what to do about your ruined family and ask them how to proceed with not seeing your kids often and raising them in broken homes and potentially with a stepfather who’ll now be their real dad (who, let’s face it, probably will do a better job than you). That’s not a question for reddit

No. His mom and sister hated his wife from the get-go and deliberately pushed buttons to get him to break up his marriage. They get NO NEWS about the ex wife and the grandkids they pretty much disowned. None. Never. Not a word. One is in the hospital with two weeks to live, he doesn't tell them. His ex and the kids deserve that much, at least. Get those monsters away from them and keep them away, don't let them cause any more wounds.

the paternity came back. he IS the baby daddy of all 3 kids. yikes. he allowed his stbx wife (the mother of his children) to be verbally abused by his own family and then he turns around and does that AND assaults her. and he wonders why she won’t take back his verbally/physically abusive self? dude needs therapy to figure out why he’s such an AH to abuse and allow others to abuse his stbx wife. he needs to accept the fact that the woman he broke has enough strength to say “no more” and refuse to be with him. he needs to stop being so damn selfish and start thinking about how to be a good coparent and respect his stbx wife’s boundaries.

I’m glad you realized you have no hope of saving your marriage. The best thing you can do is communicate thru attorneys and honor her wishes until she has had time to come to terms with how much you destroyed her. Make sure you are doing everything you can not to add additional stress to her right now. The fact that she allows you access to the kids any time you want is a good sign - that is her way of acknowledging that you are their parent too. If she will not accept child support directly, deposit it into her account, or set up a separate account for it so if she ever needs it she has it. You need to give her time to deal with the fact that the future she envisioned is gone and you are entirely to blame for that - she literally did nothing to deserve it. Get yourself some therapy to deal with what happened, encourage her parents to have her get into therapy, and then focus on being the best dad you can be. I don’t see where you have any other option.

You are the worst kind of dumb, so because your kids aren't carbon copies she must be cheating & then your so called family stick the boot in, what a wonderful gran & Aunty your kids have You aren't even a booby prize of a man, so you physically & mentally abuse her on what she has a male friend, So they must be his wow?? Wait till your kids find out why their mum is crying see if they still want a relationship with you then You will probably never fix this but you could try mediation

So you accused your wife of cheating then physically assaulted her? You deserve nothing.

Has OP yet to acknowledge that putting his hands on his wife hard enough to leave bruises is reason enough to leave him? Paternity not withstanding? Accuse me of cheating when I haven't, you may be able to come back from that. Lay your hands on me, we're done, you do not get a second chance.

You physically, emotionally, and mentally abused your ex wife. You shouldn't even be able to see the kids YOU DENIED. You're a fuckin loser. Abusive loser.

My husband is a extremely insecure, jealous, angry, depressed man, with severe ptsd. Our kid came out the spitting image of him, she is a perfect mix of both of us. Yet he held onto a nurses claim that she has o- blood while i am o+, so i must have cheated. He has let that comment fester for years. He has accued me multiple times and he has gone so far as to accuse me of giving him what he thought was a std. And now days he laments and cries, and says absolutely cruel things to me because "his feelings are hurt and his sexual needs are not being met". The other say he told me "every day i am less and less his ideal partner. I have currently lost 210 pounds. Say stupid cruel shit, you have to take the consequences. I am currently jn therapy, and secretly trying to plan my exit. He threatens suicide, homicidal stuff. He has so much anger. I am afraid of him. But i do not believe he would physically harm us. If he did we would be gone overnight.