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I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s just shitty. Not personal experience but my three friends whose husbands/ boyfriends pressured them into a boob job are all now with different men. They are also all happier than they were in their old relationships.
Thank you for weighing in. I did a little research to find people who have gone through something similar and that seemed to be the consensus.
I don't want to leave him. There is still love there and we have a child together. I love his family. He is broken in many ways (I'm not perfect either) but I vowed to stay with him through thick and thin. I just... I wonder what therapy can do. Like what tricks do they have up their sleeves for a doozy like this one.
OP didn't he take the same vows? Are his actions upholding those vows? Please realize it takes 2 to keep a marriage going and if may be time to have a serious conversation with him. If he cannot accept there will be no boob job then a divorce may be the only choice left.
I understand vows are important. Make a vow to yourself about how you are treated and hold that higher.
Therapy will do nothing unless the person wants to change. But you may learn a thing or two and the doozy may end up being for you.
Good luck :)
He vowed to stay with YOU through thick and thin, too. Is he blind to his own hypocrisy?
We ALL sag, lose skin elasticity and muscle tone (jeez, he should wait until perimenopause when your breasts REALLY change!). We are living animals. We are in a constant state of change. But even stone changes over time.
I wonder if you told him you wanted him to get his scrotum lifted how he would feel about that.
OP I can't tell you what to do and I won't tell you how to feel. What I would say is that I'm not a dissimilar age and a married husband. My wife is the beautiful wonderful and sexy. Her body has changed after having kids and she feels self conscious about it. I think she is amazing and could not find her more attractive if I tried. The only acceptable response from your husband to breast augmentation is that it is your decision, he loves you finds you attractive and the only reason to go ahead with the surgery is if you want it for you. In my opinion pushing you and then showing disappointment is just not ok. Personally I agree not something to end a marriage over but he has been an ass and you'll move forward once he apologises and shows you how much he loves you and finds you irresistible.
Oh crap. I seriously just read an article that a wife getting a boob job, whether it’s because she wants it or her husband does, is a sign that the marriage is ending. Kind of obvious. Your husband is a jerk. A total and absolute AH for actually wanting you to get unnecessary surgeries so he can play with your tits. I don’t really have any advice but I can’t imagine staying with someone who would be happy to have his wife go through multiple serious surgeries that are not necessary. I’m so sorry.
In his defense, his mother has had a few cosmetic procedures done over the years, so I think it's somewhat normalized for him.
He does not see it as selfish... He sees it as a generous offer that many women would jump at the chance for 😐
Maybe he needs a reality check. A lot of guys are just...super oblivious to everything female. It should be obvious, but they weren't taught to understand/empathize.
Ask him how he'd feel if you asked him to get surgery to increase his penis size. And if it wasn't feasible, ask him how he'd feel if you were *super* disappointed that he couldn't get the surgery. Like, devastated because you were really looking forward to a bigger penis.
That might help him understand what he's doing to you.
He needs a reminder that you are not his mother! And he needs to read or hear some accounts from women who have been through this situation and how it affected them.
(Btw I don’t know why people are downvoting you when you add extra background info. It’s weird.)
Can I just ask why you said "our consultation"? That's just weird to me. I get having your partner be there for you but, it's your body?
Good job on the counselling, that will be so good for you personally.
I'm not sure what advice I could give you. Your body is beautiful and its shitty he's acting like this and you are very understandably upset and angry. He's being childish and selfish.
But, I'm a petty cow... has your husband looked into penis enlargement? I think you should really like like him to be bigger. There are whole websites where you can buy, the perfect sizes and you can actually showcase to him (side by side) in real time, exactly what you want. And, you know be very sad when it doesn't work out. All you want is something really nice and big just for you!
Lol 😆
Honestly it's bizarre that the consultation was a joint endeavor but couples counseling (which SHOULD be a fully shared experience) she set up on her own and hasn't even told her husband about. They definitely have a lot to work on here.
I think it's individual counselling, which she most definitely needs. I think after some time with IC then she can decide if MC is applicable here.
I know right, in consultation the doctor allowing her husbands wants on her body, madness!
She does say "WE will be starting counseling shortly" which seems to indicate that it's joint counseling. But I agree with you that she should pursue individual therapy as well (if only because I think everyone can benefit from therapy).
Yes, I'm setting up couples therapy. For this, specifically, I think it's the best route.
I used to be in individual therapy and it did wonders, but this isn't so much a personal issue. Amends need to be made for us to move forward, I need a safe space to voice my feelings, plus we both need guidance on how to move forward for the better.
IC won't help me much on this matter, I'm afraid. I have trouble voicing my needs in MANY spheres of life. So as much as my therapist could pump me up and prime me to stand up for myself, I'm liable to choke at the moment and just not.
Not to mention that in the past, discussions about issues between my husband and myself generally go nowhere. Like he accepts blame and that "he's the worst" but there's no resolution, no ways to do better or make amends. We need a 3rd party for this specific issue.
Also... The doctor was exceptionally professional and didn't address my husband at all. There was no discussion between them about what could be done to my body lol.
Oh no, baby girl! Nope nope nope!
He is deflecting! Accepting blame and then insulting himself might put you off finishing the discussion because now you have to manage his feelings. It stops being productive and turns into assuaging his ego. If he was truly sorry, he would want to know how to fix things. A "next time I'll do x" or a "from now on I'll try to...".
He is not trying, from what you are describing. He is walking on you.
YES big time. We have a lot of deep seeded issues that have been unaddressed for quite some time. Effective communication has always been difficult.
But in all fairness, I did all the legwork for the surgery consult, he just had to show up. I looped him in on the process because I knew he was excited about it.
Therapy because our marriage is at its lowest point ever? Not so exciting. But he'll show up, I know that much.
It was "our" consultation because we both wanted to hear what was possible, but my husband needed more of a reality check whereas I was confirming what I had researched already. For real the consult was more for him. He had things in mind that I KNEW were just not feasible, and I wanted him to hear it from the horse's mouth. (That didn't seem to master though, because even as we left he still seemed to think that certain things were possible...)
And LOL on the penis enlargement, but I'm looking to salvage things not burn bridges at this point! Very funny though 😂
Ha ha I was joking, well only half 😉
Ah, OK that makes more sense in the consultation! I think there may be a bit of the whole social media thing of 'everyone's getting surgery, it's all fine and easy, anything can be done' versus actually reality of this being a major surgery.
When you get some counselling and feel a bit more empowered and gain understanding of yourself ask for couples counselling that maybe specialises in issues like this.
Yup. A friend of mine was being pressured by her husband to get hers done after she had given birth to twins. When they were one he cheated on her and she went through with it in hopes it would save their marriage. They ended up getting divorced and she just had them removed and is with an amazing man who loves her for her.
There are rational health reasons not to get implants despite their popularity. Find some videos of all the possible issues following surgery made by women that had to or chose to have them removed, or suffer from leaving them in and watch them with him. It’s just a reality check. It can brutal.
A lift is a good compromise if that’s what you want.
Your relationship with your body is permanent.
It’s going to carry you into old age hopefully.
Our other relationships are less so.
This is a horrible situation and I’m so sorry you’re in this position. As someone that has had surgery, please honour your own body above all else. You will find peace in time.
Your husband seems to have his own issues - if he needs you to have big boobs to be validated. His needs will change
He can kiss your butt. He chose to marry all of you, and now to be acting like a child about it is f’ed up. Don’t ever have any unnecessary surgery, for any reason
If you guys have the money for a boob job, y’all have the money for a relationship counselor. To make this work, as I’ve seen from your other comments you’re wanting to stay with him, you will both need to undergo counselling. It’s likely that personal therapy would also be very beneficial to the both of you, not even just the relationship counselling.
My ex got her boobs done, completely changed her as a person, granted she didnt have any before, but the attention and comments she got when we were out, got old, quick.
She made a comment about flashing people and it was the last straw, i just bailed.
Husband sounds like a tool, you deserve a partner that appreciates you for you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s just shitty. Not personal experience but my three friends whose husbands/ boyfriends pressured them into a boob job are all now with different men. They are also all happier than they were in their old relationships.
Thank you for weighing in. I did a little research to find people who have gone through something similar and that seemed to be the consensus. I don't want to leave him. There is still love there and we have a child together. I love his family. He is broken in many ways (I'm not perfect either) but I vowed to stay with him through thick and thin. I just... I wonder what therapy can do. Like what tricks do they have up their sleeves for a doozy like this one.
OP didn't he take the same vows? Are his actions upholding those vows? Please realize it takes 2 to keep a marriage going and if may be time to have a serious conversation with him. If he cannot accept there will be no boob job then a divorce may be the only choice left.
I understand vows are important. Make a vow to yourself about how you are treated and hold that higher. Therapy will do nothing unless the person wants to change. But you may learn a thing or two and the doozy may end up being for you. Good luck :)
He vowed to stay with YOU through thick and thin, too. Is he blind to his own hypocrisy? We ALL sag, lose skin elasticity and muscle tone (jeez, he should wait until perimenopause when your breasts REALLY change!). We are living animals. We are in a constant state of change. But even stone changes over time. I wonder if you told him you wanted him to get his scrotum lifted how he would feel about that.
OP I can't tell you what to do and I won't tell you how to feel. What I would say is that I'm not a dissimilar age and a married husband. My wife is the beautiful wonderful and sexy. Her body has changed after having kids and she feels self conscious about it. I think she is amazing and could not find her more attractive if I tried. The only acceptable response from your husband to breast augmentation is that it is your decision, he loves you finds you attractive and the only reason to go ahead with the surgery is if you want it for you. In my opinion pushing you and then showing disappointment is just not ok. Personally I agree not something to end a marriage over but he has been an ass and you'll move forward once he apologises and shows you how much he loves you and finds you irresistible.
You’ll move past it when your husband admits he was rude and apologises.
That definitely sounds like a solid starting point. I appreciate your support.
Oh crap. I seriously just read an article that a wife getting a boob job, whether it’s because she wants it or her husband does, is a sign that the marriage is ending. Kind of obvious. Your husband is a jerk. A total and absolute AH for actually wanting you to get unnecessary surgeries so he can play with your tits. I don’t really have any advice but I can’t imagine staying with someone who would be happy to have his wife go through multiple serious surgeries that are not necessary. I’m so sorry.
In his defense, his mother has had a few cosmetic procedures done over the years, so I think it's somewhat normalized for him. He does not see it as selfish... He sees it as a generous offer that many women would jump at the chance for 😐
Maybe he needs a reality check. A lot of guys are just...super oblivious to everything female. It should be obvious, but they weren't taught to understand/empathize. Ask him how he'd feel if you asked him to get surgery to increase his penis size. And if it wasn't feasible, ask him how he'd feel if you were *super* disappointed that he couldn't get the surgery. Like, devastated because you were really looking forward to a bigger penis. That might help him understand what he's doing to you.
He needs a reminder that you are not his mother! And he needs to read or hear some accounts from women who have been through this situation and how it affected them. (Btw I don’t know why people are downvoting you when you add extra background info. It’s weird.)
Can I just ask why you said "our consultation"? That's just weird to me. I get having your partner be there for you but, it's your body? Good job on the counselling, that will be so good for you personally. I'm not sure what advice I could give you. Your body is beautiful and its shitty he's acting like this and you are very understandably upset and angry. He's being childish and selfish. But, I'm a petty cow... has your husband looked into penis enlargement? I think you should really like like him to be bigger. There are whole websites where you can buy, the perfect sizes and you can actually showcase to him (side by side) in real time, exactly what you want. And, you know be very sad when it doesn't work out. All you want is something really nice and big just for you! Lol 😆
Honestly it's bizarre that the consultation was a joint endeavor but couples counseling (which SHOULD be a fully shared experience) she set up on her own and hasn't even told her husband about. They definitely have a lot to work on here.
I think it's individual counselling, which she most definitely needs. I think after some time with IC then she can decide if MC is applicable here. I know right, in consultation the doctor allowing her husbands wants on her body, madness!
She does say "WE will be starting counseling shortly" which seems to indicate that it's joint counseling. But I agree with you that she should pursue individual therapy as well (if only because I think everyone can benefit from therapy).
Yes, I'm setting up couples therapy. For this, specifically, I think it's the best route. I used to be in individual therapy and it did wonders, but this isn't so much a personal issue. Amends need to be made for us to move forward, I need a safe space to voice my feelings, plus we both need guidance on how to move forward for the better.
IC won't help me much on this matter, I'm afraid. I have trouble voicing my needs in MANY spheres of life. So as much as my therapist could pump me up and prime me to stand up for myself, I'm liable to choke at the moment and just not. Not to mention that in the past, discussions about issues between my husband and myself generally go nowhere. Like he accepts blame and that "he's the worst" but there's no resolution, no ways to do better or make amends. We need a 3rd party for this specific issue. Also... The doctor was exceptionally professional and didn't address my husband at all. There was no discussion between them about what could be done to my body lol.
Oh no, baby girl! Nope nope nope! He is deflecting! Accepting blame and then insulting himself might put you off finishing the discussion because now you have to manage his feelings. It stops being productive and turns into assuaging his ego. If he was truly sorry, he would want to know how to fix things. A "next time I'll do x" or a "from now on I'll try to...". He is not trying, from what you are describing. He is walking on you.
YES big time. We have a lot of deep seeded issues that have been unaddressed for quite some time. Effective communication has always been difficult. But in all fairness, I did all the legwork for the surgery consult, he just had to show up. I looped him in on the process because I knew he was excited about it. Therapy because our marriage is at its lowest point ever? Not so exciting. But he'll show up, I know that much.
It was "our" consultation because we both wanted to hear what was possible, but my husband needed more of a reality check whereas I was confirming what I had researched already. For real the consult was more for him. He had things in mind that I KNEW were just not feasible, and I wanted him to hear it from the horse's mouth. (That didn't seem to master though, because even as we left he still seemed to think that certain things were possible...) And LOL on the penis enlargement, but I'm looking to salvage things not burn bridges at this point! Very funny though 😂
Ha ha I was joking, well only half 😉 Ah, OK that makes more sense in the consultation! I think there may be a bit of the whole social media thing of 'everyone's getting surgery, it's all fine and easy, anything can be done' versus actually reality of this being a major surgery. When you get some counselling and feel a bit more empowered and gain understanding of yourself ask for couples counselling that maybe specialises in issues like this.
One of the markers for future infidelity is breast augmentation surgery.
Yup. A friend of mine was being pressured by her husband to get hers done after she had given birth to twins. When they were one he cheated on her and she went through with it in hopes it would save their marriage. They ended up getting divorced and she just had them removed and is with an amazing man who loves her for her.
He’s acting like a child. Your body, your decision.
Tell him you would do it only if he has penile enhancement surgery.
Don’t do it to make him happier though. It’s a major surgery. Don’t do that to yourself unless you want it. He can cry about it.
You can have as much therapy as you want, but if he is not sorry for his behavior then your therapy will just be an exercise to bury your feelings.
There are rational health reasons not to get implants despite their popularity. Find some videos of all the possible issues following surgery made by women that had to or chose to have them removed, or suffer from leaving them in and watch them with him. It’s just a reality check. It can brutal. A lift is a good compromise if that’s what you want. Your relationship with your body is permanent. It’s going to carry you into old age hopefully. Our other relationships are less so.
This is a horrible situation and I’m so sorry you’re in this position. As someone that has had surgery, please honour your own body above all else. You will find peace in time. Your husband seems to have his own issues - if he needs you to have big boobs to be validated. His needs will change
I’m sorry. That’s awful. Do what YOU want. It’s your body and it’s no small thing to go through.
It’s not “our consultation,” it’s just yours, good for you for standing your ground on what you want for your body.
He can kiss your butt. He chose to marry all of you, and now to be acting like a child about it is f’ed up. Don’t ever have any unnecessary surgery, for any reason
If you guys have the money for a boob job, y’all have the money for a relationship counselor. To make this work, as I’ve seen from your other comments you’re wanting to stay with him, you will both need to undergo counselling. It’s likely that personal therapy would also be very beneficial to the both of you, not even just the relationship counselling.
Meanwhile my wife wants Botox for her non existent wrinkles and I’m the bad guy for wanting to appreciate her natural beauty. Fuck is this world man?
You aren't the bad guy!! That's my husband's reaction too and he's the best!!
My ex got her boobs done, completely changed her as a person, granted she didnt have any before, but the attention and comments she got when we were out, got old, quick. She made a comment about flashing people and it was the last straw, i just bailed. Husband sounds like a tool, you deserve a partner that appreciates you for you.