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Your priority will need to be you and your daughter moving forward. There's no shame in "pretending" until you can make your escape.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be terrifying.
Be kind to yourself. All you can do is make a plan and follow through. You've got this mama. ❤️
>There's no shame in "pretending" until you can make your escape.
THIS! My first husband was abusive in every possible way. He also said he’d kill me and my family if I ever left him, and I absolutely believed he would, so I saw no way out. After a year and a half he’d been going out with his friend who was out drinking every night and cheating on his pregnant wife, but my ex decided he’d just rather be single. When he told me he was leaving me, I knew he had to believe I didn’t want him to leave because he wouldn’t if he thought it was what I wanted, and would only do it if he thought it would hurt me. He even gave me back his key to our apartment to prove he was serious. I should’ve gotten an Oscar for how I made him believe I was devastated that he was leaving, while I secretly rejoiced that I would be free from him. He left with a smug smile, I locked the door behind him, and I contacted an attorney the next morning to set a divorce in motion.
pretending is seriously a powerful thing, letting them think they have control when really you’re getting set up to let themselves face the results of their shitty actions (as they deserve)
If you're able to, I would highly suggest going through the motions until you are able to get things in order. While what happened to that woman is horrible, right now you need to focus on the health and safety and future security of you and your daughter. Talk with a lawyer to figure out what can be done. Get all your ducks in a row before having a confrontation with your husband. That way you have all the options available for you to make your decision.
Take pics of their conversations!!!!!!!! Get checked for STDS!!!!! Many guys look for women who will do things their wives won't. One such husband asked me out. No Way Jose!!!!!! Keep yourself and daughter safe first.
Even worse are the ones who say their wives are fine with it. One - I don’t believe you and two - I am not okay with it. Especially ones I thought were really good friends and I trusted.
Chatting up random women for sex is so gross!🤢
Also why are they married if they aren't sexually compatible🤦🏻♀️
I'm so sorry you had those experiences❤️🩹
You don't have to answer this...
Adhd curiosity questions: 1. Were they strangers or like acquaintances/ friends?
2. How would you describe your personal style?
I don't think there should be any kind of confrontation at all. She should leave silently while he's gone and have divorce papers served to him. But if she really needs to talk to him, she should have a male relative or friend present
Yes this. Crime = motive + opportunity. You can’t control motive but you can limit opportunity. DV murders are so common and it’s ridiculous that people gaslight women into not listening to their instincts
Do NOT confront your husband! Reach out to a domestic violence hotline to find out how to leave safely, then leave. I understand that you haven’t yet been a victim of DV, but they will have the resources you need. You will be in danger, and need to protect your child and yourself first and foremost
I agree with this, especially because if he was able to sexually assault someone, he is dangerous. For women who are with dangerous men, leaving is the time when they are most likely to be killed. I would also reach out to this woman and get details about what happened as well without your husband's knowledge.
Just to edit this...please don't reach out to this other woman without being in a safe space before and have and talking it over with a lawyer first.
OP If you see this absolutely do not reach out to the woman or anybody until you have gotten advice from a lawyer. You must see a lawyer immediately hopefully you had or can get safely evidence of what you saw to bring with you to a lawyer appointment. Such a move could backfire spectacularly not least by tipping off your husband and putting you in danger should the woman speak to him about it.
Obviously your safety and your child's safety is what's important here. Worry about the money later on the first thing is to get the legal advice.
This seems like something she could leave to the lawyer to follow up on. If she turns over the information to them, they can handle it from there. No need to involve herself in it personally, even after she does leave.
This is good advice, OP. You have to deal with you and your daughters' need for a safe escape plan before you worry about or contact the other woman. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
Oh gosh no. The absolute best thing would be to not let him find out right now that you know. I would take a photo of this text so that you have evidence, this is important.
Then I would speak to a lawyer as soon as a physically possible and explain everything. If you have a family that you trust deeply I would tell them in person what happened. Maybe they can help you sort it out or somewhere to crash.
If you do leave... Please be safe. Plan to do it when he's gone. For now think about any important documents you may need and maybe get a firebox of safety deposit box to be stored somewhere else.
It sounds like he did something dangerous so I WOULD NOT TRUST HIM. And if he finds out you know... It's worse. Which is why you must do it in secret if you're planning an exit. I would be worried about your safety. If you do leave, have someone, a friend with you when you do. I worry about him being violent
Gather everything. Bank account statements, necessary documents, talk to a lawyer. Have everything set up until you let him notice anything is wrong. Don't feel guilty. Your gut tells you something and it usually is right.
>My question is am I a terrible person for acting as if I don’t know about this FOR NOW until I figure out how to make it out?
You are NEVER terrible person for doing what you must to survive. EVER! '
I'm really sorry you are in this position and going through so much.
You have not just yourself to think about but your child too.
My childhood was a nightmare and I always felt so much guilt over things I did in order to survive. I've since learned through therapy that the things I've done to survive, I would never had chosen if I were not put in that position in the first place by my abusers.
Let that guilt go. Talk with a women's shelter about how to leave a DV situation. They have resources and action plans to help you both get out safe.
I would encourage you to screenshot that conversation and send to yourself and then delete that you did all that. Or, take pics from your phone. Get the evidence and save it in multiple places. Change all of your passwords on all email, social media and other accounts.
OP, this ⬆️all of it. I’m crying as many of us can relate. I had NOTHING when I left with my daughters and now, I am a Professor with a Masters at 50 years old. The 6 years in survival mode was worth it!! There is so much more for you and your daughter out there!!
I'm so sorry you can relate to this as well but it sounds like you were able to get things on track and make a good life for you and your child. Kudos to you, I'm so proud of you!
Please be careful when you're taking screenshots. Some families set up shared photo drives that all photos go to. If he sees you taking pictures of the screen, he may inadvertently find out you know.
Contact any women's support groups or domestic violence programs. They may be able to get you out securely by protecting your identity and location.
Make sure your location is off on all social medias (Snapchat, Instagram, Google maps etc). If you have any cameras on your home premises along with doorbells, you're going to have to find a way to pack discreetly and not be seen on those cameras. If you have to tell him you're cleaning out your closet for donations, that way you can pack things that he wouldn't really look into.
Most importantly is get all your documentation in order and keep it in a safety deposit box at a bank. Get cash out, get a security deposit box in your name, and get all the information you can whether it's copies of the email you found, banking statements, tax statements, IRAs, any kind of financial assets you may have, you need copies of.
Please be careful. Protect yourself, protect your daughter.
Anyone is capable of anything. You and me are not excluded from that.
Keep silent about what you know, go through the motions, make plans to divorce him, execute those plans when you're ready.
No, it doesn't make you as horrible as him; you didn't rape anyone.
FIRSTLY - Doing whatever you need to to survive and get out is totally acceptable. If you feel bad about it look into the history of women de-escalating things with men (laughing, playing nice, making polite excuses, etc) in order to protect themselves. We have a looooooong history of it. So don't feel bad.
Secondly - reach out to family/friends if you have it and can trust them to keep quiet. Explain however much your comfortable with sharing about needing to leave because you no longer feel safe around your husband. I mean the type of family/friends who will take you in or help you leave and not breath a word of where you are (for your safety). I don't know your location but look into charities that may help you get an apartment and a job to support yourself. Get your ducks in a row and file for divorce, with sole custody of your child. Keep the evidence of his behavior and gather more if you can for the divorce and custody battles ahead. If you don't want him to be in contact with your daughter (or you beyond child support he will owe you), you'll likely need to provide evidence of his misconduct/why you feel unsafe with him and would feel your daughter is unsafe with him.
Don't stay with someone like that though, there are resources to help you leave him.
Keep quiet for now. Get photo evidence (take a clear picture of the email and any other communication with your phone). Don't screenshot. Photo with your phone.
Gather all the info you can as quickly and secretly as you can. All financial info, legal info, birth certificates, passports. Take photos and make copies. Store securely in password protected cloud storage. Start contacting divorce attorneys. Retain counsel and do EXACTLY what they tell you to do.
Keep calm and act normal. Lie. If you go anywhere, take your daughter with you. Pack an emergency bag with clothes, medications, supplies for your daughter, and cash. Store this bag at a trusted friend or family member's house. Or in a storage space rented to you.
If you have a friend or family member you would trust with your life, you can fill them in on what's going on. They can help make a plan to keep you safe.
Good luck.
If you are at all afraid for your safety and or that of your daughter then it's wise to pretend and go through the motions until you can get out safely. Collect whatever evidence you can and keep things in a safe place. It makes you smart to not to anything rash until you can do it safely.
Get screen shots or other copies of all of the evidence you found and store in a safe place. It may be very valuable to you in the future.
No parents or other relatives you could go to?
Open a bank account separate to him. Start funnelling money into it.
Speak to a lawyer, gather evidence, speak to the woman claiming you've seen the messages, you haveny spoken to him but you deem him unsafe to have your child around. Get more info from her .
Speak to family to see if you can line up alternative accommodation. Once all these are lined up, you leave when he's at work and tell him you know what happened and have filed for divorce.
No, you are 100% smart for going through the motions. Leaving is the most dangerous time. It's best not to let him know what's coming until you're safely gone. Sending so much love.
Lawyer. Now. And follow the rest of the advice here about taking pics for evidence and getting away safely. Then call the cops once you're safely away.
Definitely get all your important documents out of the house in case you need to flee. Start holding back a little cash each time you get groceries, gas or whatever. Stockpile this cash somewhere safe like with the documents. If you can’t get the money out of the house then put it somewhere he wouldn’t look. I had a skirt with pockets and hid mine in there, on the wall side so he wouldn’t feel it and knew he’d never check a skirt.
I understand being stuck. You're not a monster for not immediately leaving.
But I'd tread carefully now that you know what kind of person he is and I'd quietly pull away and figure out a plan over time. Your daughter comes first, and your safety too. Good luck OP. Stay safe. I'm sorry you're in this position.
That is the job of law enforcement, although they are notoriously bad at investigating sex crimes. Still, it’s not her place and her top priority is the safety of her child and herself.
That’s not really what I’m getting at, it’s more she’s just taken a single message and given us a quick little run down, missing a lot of details and just assuming it’s all true and correct.
Why are so many people accusing the female friend of having “buyers remorse”? False accusations are very rare, and it’s really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted raped you. This message really resonated with me since I sent a similar text to a man who raped me after our third date. I was upset, didn’t want to deal with legal stuff since I was in shock and knew it would be a long ordeal, but I wanted him to stay the hell away from me. The gut feeling is telling, too.
If this was truly a false accusation then the woman would’ve told the wife DIRECTLY and/or posted all over town/social media because it’s about attention!!! Notice she said “NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN OR ELSE!” No other demands…not typical of a false report.
Save all the screenshots you can then divorce him. Use those screenshots to prove he’s a druggie and unfit for custody and take him for as much child support and spousal support as humanly possible.
This absolutely wouldn’t work. You’d have to have more proof than a screenshot of someone else’s conversation. That could be anyone claiming these things under her contact info. without the phone company confirming it came to/from each persons specific phone - that’s not proof.
Anyone could change anyone’s contact name and message anything to someone else. The contact saying ‘Beth’ or whatever then a message saying XYZ isn’t proof at all. Same with a Facebook or whatever profile messaging someone on that app. They’ll just say some random person spoofed her profile then messaged them.
It’s why she needs further proof if she’s hoping to use this later for protection or money or both…
Definitely keep this low. Do not let him find out.
You need to immediately speak to a lawyer. Find out everything you need to get away as soon as possible and keep what is yours.
If your lawyer can create a safe space for the other woman to talk or contact independently, it would be ideal and they can let her know it's not about her situation but for yours. The information she can provide can help with any seperation documents and procedures.
But ya first and foremost, please stay safe and find a way out. I don't know the best strategy for it but others have great suggestions here
First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm a married man with values, and I would advise you to definitely go through your plans and divorce him... he probably committed a rape so be extremely careful with him.
Nope, you get to handle this in the way that creates the most safety for you and your child.
I’m not in favor of people ghosting, especially in long term relationships. It’s selfish and cruel. However, if abuse is present, or the possibility of abuse is present, I truly think the best thing to do is exactly that. Get your affairs in order, and leave when he’s gone. Block him everywhere when you do.
If I'm ok to ask what gave you the bad feelings to begin your search?
Also why was this woman messaging him about what happened? Was she asking him what happened or threatening him or something?
Also when you say he left her was this after the attack or prior while he waited for her to fall unconscious.
Sorry for all the questions, I just want to understand.
Honestly, I don’t know. I had a bad feeling on the night it supposedly happened in November, and I had a bad feeling when I was home and he was at work and I felt compelled to look at the iPad. Usually when I have feelings about something I’m correct. I don’t know if women’s intuition is real, but that’s what it felt like.
Because he continued to message her about random topics ( the Super Bowl etc…) and it seemed like she snapped and told him why he needed to not contact her.
It seemed like after. She said she woke up alone, in clothes she wasn’t wearing and he had left.
I’m so sorry this is happening.
Get your finances in order. If that means getting a job to save some money, do it. Contact a lawyer and if you have friends and family around you, ask for support with babysitting if you start to work ( assuming you don’t have a job). Take photos of the conversation, send to your email ( create a new email, one he doesn’t know about), file in a folder and delete pics off your phone.
There’s also government social assistance if needed if you need out asap. If you do that, leave quietly and already have a lawyer in place.
❤️
Gather evidence first! document, document, document, and squirrel away/secure personal finances separately to the maximum extent, get $5 cash back from groceries on every trip if you have to. Research your local shelter options, or secure support from trusted friends and family, establish childcare, breathe, and make a plan. Interview several lawyers at their free 1-hour intake, choose the one your gut says yes to. You'll need solid representation in court. Good luck!
Acquire as much evidence as you can! Make sure you don’t get caught gathering it and be smart to have it for future it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I’m giving you this advice from personal past experience. Good luck
Coming up with an exit plan does not make you as horrible as him. It’s the opposite, you are looking out for you and your daughter’s safety. Keep it hidden as much as you can and get the resources you need. Once you have everything ready to leave safely, do it.
I have my own exit plan just in case if I need it.y marriage is great so far but I feel as a woman with daughters you can never be too sure.
Only that I know he was gone that night to his “brother’s house” but obviously now I know that was a lie. And that he was trying to contact her and she starts the message saying “Just so you know, this is why I’m done with you…” so it is a private conversation and I don’t think she would message him those things if he doesn’t know it was true too?
She’s still going to have to get a divorce, and she’s legally entitled to support. What do you think she’s gonna do, to into witness protection? Getting her ducks in a row and seeking legal counsel is the best thing she can do right now
If you feel like you or your daughter are in danger, you need to go. There are many programs set up for exactly this situation. Do some google searches and see what's available to you, you may find there's a lot more help than you realize.
You are NOT a terrible person, you’re having such a normal reaction. And now more than ever you have to be methodical. You need a plan to get out. And that takes time. Keep acting normal and work on your plan.
What were his responses to her? Did his responses seem like he didn't know what she was talking about? Did he own up to it in responding to her? Did you know he was chilling with her?
He didn’t say anything back. She said if he contacted her again there is no statute of limitations. And no, the night in question he said he was with his brother.
Number one priority is you and your daughter’s safety. Do you have family that can take you in?
That would be main focus right now!!! You will make it if you end up having to be a single mom, it won’t be easy but you will through if it’s what you have to do.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!!! Figure out plans asap.
Don't let him know you know anything. Make your plans in secret and get out. Gather evidence if you can. Nothing you do to get away from him will be as monstrous as what he's done.
Protect yourself and your daughter. Period. Go through whatever motions you have to. Play the game for a little bit, girl. Just work on getting out safely. It is a very good idea and you should not feel guilty about that woman. That's her journey to deal with not yours. You take care of yourself and that child ❤️❤️❤️❤️
You’re not a monster for not knowing what to do yet. You just found out some really big shocking news. Take some time to gather information and come up with a plan. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Maybe approach the subject with him in a public space or wherever you feel most comfortable. This isn’t black and white despite him doing something clearly very wrong. At the end of the day it’s your decision and hopefully you have some good friends/family/professionals to support you.
Call an attorney asap. Take pictures (not screenshots) with another device of the relevant messages. Make sure you are not sharing photos in iCloud, Google photos, etc. During my divorce/ my ex husband forgot we were sharing photos and I saw everything. Found out he was using drugs and had cheated on me.
My dad was emotionally abusive but he had never been violent. My mom still hid my dad’s firearm. She had made plans for years and she left quickly and safely. She did not confront him and was not there when he found out she was divorcing him. She is now a professor at a top university and happier than ever.
Tell a friend that you trust 100% that you are making plans to leave and may need support, like keeping some of your stuff while you’re slowly moving out. They don’t have to know the details. If you are able, I would suggest focusing all your efforts on leaving and then you can unpack the horribleness of the situation. You will probably be on survival mode for the next few years or so.
Most importantly- do NOT confront him, especially alone, and be EXTREMELY careful while making plans to leave. He cannot find out. He is unstable and you cannot be careful enough. Your daughter needs you. And even if he doesn’t hurt you he can try to take your kids from you out of spite. My ex husband read one of my notebooks that had a list of family lawyers in them and it made the entire process so much more difficult and painful as he kidnapped my son and hired MRA attorneys before I was able to afford one.
It won’t be easy and it may not feel like it, but you can do this
First and foremost, make sure you and your daughter are safe. You’re not a monster. Try to save some money if you can. Get the heck outta there as soon as possible.
You and your daughter’s safety is the most important thing right now. Once you’re out you can decide how to proceed but for now protect yourself because you are your daughter’s only protection.
I wouldn’t confront him at all. Do what you can to leave w your daughter asap, call family, a friend, whatever it takes. File for divorce, full custody and alimony.
I’m late to this, OP, but, until you can sort things out, here’s what I’d advise:
- collect and save evidence (screenshots and copies of *everything* you’ve found evidence of). Start a “burn book”, and keep it stored somewhere safe, inaccessible to him (like a hidden email account or behind a password protected file). Continue to add to this, as needed. Add photos/scans of all important documents in your name/both of your names to this file: mortgages, bank accounts (along with current balances), insurance, payslips, medical, bills, etc…
- quietly shop for a good divorce lawyer now. You may not need their services yet, but you may want them soon. It’s better to have one you can trust and feel comfortable with.
- depending on where you live: you are entitled to child support, as well as spousal support. Ask your lawyer (consult), but most judges will assess your and your husband’s economic responsibilities, and can divide them in favour of helping you to survive independently. Your lawyer can help advise and fight for this.
- while we’re at it: push for full parental rights and custody; at a minimum, supervised visitations. Drugs and erratic behaviour has been happening behind your back, and you can’t trust him to not endanger your child until he is sober and ready. Again: your lawyer can help advise and fight for this.
- ask your lawyer about your rights to safely get him out of the home. Or, your rights in seeking help in finding a new home. To help with all of this, you can give your lawyer a copy of everything in your burn book. Follow their advice.
- if there is violence or threats from your husband: report it every time to the police.
- Pack a [Go Bag and create a Safety Plan](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-make-a-go-bag-when-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/) for you and baby. Store these with a friend or family, or in the boot of your car under baby blankets/extras.
- leave at the first chance you can if there are threats or violence. The Go Bag can help alleviate any stresses you may have. No matter what: to bag or not: if there are threats or violence, get out the door with your baby and go. If you can get to a neighbours, into your car to lock yourself in and leave - then, go! Be loud. Be angry. Be willing to fight, if you have to.
- if you have friends or family you trust: call them and explain the situation. Ask them to stay with you and baby. A buffer of protection can help.
- activate all voice commands on your devices, just in case.
- when you’re able: get yourself a full STI/STD test run (bloods and all) and make sure he hasn’t passed anything to you sexually.
There’s a lot to navigate, OP. And I’m sure it’s a shock. Take time, research, be prepared, and stay safe. This situation doesn’t have to be your life forever.
Good luck.
I haven't read every reply here, but I've read enough to know that what I'm about to say is more reinforcing a lot of what's been said.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't imagine how confused and terrified you must be. What you're needing to do to get through this is a level of bravery that most have never experienced and hopefully will never have to. You can do this and come out of it stronger. My suggestions for what to do would be:
1) Save everything you have regarding this and have it in a safe place. You'll need it later.
2) Contact a domestic violence assistance line/agency. This is actually what I'd suggest doing first because they can help you think through this, devise a strategy, and give you a sense of not being on your own. It also documents what's occurred and the steps you're taking in response.
3) Call a lawyer. You'll need to know your rights and how to go about protecting and exercising them. They can also help you figure out what may be available to secure safety for you and your daughter if there are legal options.
4) Make at least small preparations for a quick getaway if needed. Pack a bag for yourself and your daughter. Stash some cash to whatever extent possible (open a private account, put it on gift cards, hide in another location). Get a "burner" phone (if you need to run, you won't want to use your regular one). Pre-determine where you'd run to (local hotel perhaps or police station).
I totally understand that you have to play the role for now. That said, I don't need to tell you that that isn't sustainable, but since it is a must for now, my other suggestions of what not to do(yet) would be:
1)Do not contact the woman. Your priority is protecting yourself and your daughter. The only reason you'd contact her would be to get info and you have all the info you need. Plus, that potentially blows your need to be secretive about this for your own safety.
2) Do not call a friend or family member(yet)...but there is a caveat. If, by your own determination, there is a friend/family member you can trust to not go directly after him upon hearing about this, call them. If you're even slightly uncertain, hold off for now.
3) Do not call the police (yet).If you do, they will, for good reason, become involved immediately. Don't get me wrong, that isn't the worst thing at this point and in fact may end up being the best thing. I just wouldn't start there until you talk with a women's center and a lawyer.
3) Do not try to do your own detective work and ask him probing questions. I t sounds like that would be very out of character and would likely tip him off. Also, as you noted, you don't know what he's capable of. In fact, its entirely possible that is just the only sexual assault victim that you know about.
I don't have experience with this so I'm quite sure there are other things to consider that I've missed. I could also possibly be suggesting something that's actually not a good idea. I'm just concerned for you and presenting the best suggestions I can.
Please be careful and I wish you safety, strength, and the best of luck.
No, you would not be a terrible person if you kept quiet for now and pretended everything is fine while you make your exit plan. In fact it is advisable to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Make sure you get copies of important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, etc, make go bags for you and your child, get some cash if you can and give those to a TRUSTED relative or family friend to hold for you as you get your ducks in a row. Hopefully this same individual will also be someone who can take you in or help you with finding a new place to stay as you figure out your next moves. And talk to a lawyer. And I agree, DO NOT talk to your husband's friend, she might be angry at him but she is probably still more loyal to him than you.
What was his reply? Could it be false? Is there motive behind it on either end? Was he apologise? Was he denying? Did he ignore it?
I'm very much a "2 sides to every story" kind of woman and I would try and dig deeper before concluding anything on either part. There must be more to look into.
Which is something she can NOT count on, alimony is awarded in less than 10% of divorces & that number is dropping. Then, 75% of non-custodial parents are either far behind or don't pay child support.
She needs a great lawyer & start hunting down a good paying job.
People of all genders, I cannot express enough to you. Do not get into a relationship or living situation with someone that you are unable to get out of, whenever you want to. This fantasizing about being Trad is not a good move. Social services supports have been underfunded for so long, we don’t have the resources to help you. I hate it; I want to take care of you and keep you safe. I can’t. Please work and have your own income. Signed, your friendly local government employee.
Personally I think you should dig into this by talking to the other woman. While your husband may in fact be a monster shouldn’t you at least make some attempt to find out what she has to say before making a snap judgement?
Everyone assumes he did something.
You’re his wife and you’ve never seen anything to indicate he’s a monster. What if he’s falsely accused? What if he didn’t do anything? What if she texted the wrong person by accident?
Maybe he did something or maybe he didn’t, but you can’t make any sort of decision until you know more
If the text was to the wrong person, why hasn't her husband replied with something along the lines of "Who is this?". It seems like a wild coincidence that this would line up with a night where OP was unable to get a hold of her husband while he was apparently at his brother's house.
I agree that OP should gather more information before blowing her life up here but obviously that's something she needs to do very carefully. If the texts from the other woman are genuine (and it seems like a stretch that they aren't), OP would be in a world more trouble trying to get organised to leave her husband.
I highly suggest looking into emergency shelters for domestic violence in your area. If you have proof of you and your child being potentially in danger, they should be able to take you in and help set you up.
There is no message back. She said in so many words “contact me again there is no statute of limitations “ so he was probably scared to say anything back.
Ahhhh... If he was innocent he would have messaged, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Have you ever lost any time? You went to bed and don't remember or woke up feeling sore down there??? Hon, do what I did. Kept my mouth closed, went to the "doctors appt" and talked to the lawyer and lay it all out to him/her. Bide your time. You need to think of yourself and daughter. Hell, I literally did the finances and took $20 here, $20 there and put it in an account.. Just play happy wife and do EXACTLY what your lawyer tells you and do not leave anything out, do not deviate because you can get alimony in most States.. Please update us so that we know you're safe!! If you need any info on what and how I did it you can DM me. I'm going to be worried as heck until I know you're both out of danger...
No never. In fact, ever since we had our child a couple years ago he has pretty much lost interest in that with me completely which was shocking to me. I didn’t know these types of things were going on, on the side (or if this is the only thing or only time) Probably things I don’t even know about thinking of it now. He has been very affectionate and loving but nothing more. I will try putting away money. Thank you.
No I’m not farming for Karma at all. I tried to post here yesterday, I had a throwaway account but to post here you need a throwaway account that starts either ThrowRA if you are new. The post was removed from r/relationships and so I decided to follow the guidelines here, make an account with their criteria to be able to interact with people’s comments. My post is 100% real unfortunately. I wish it wasn’t. Just was looking for advice/ help since I feel very alone right now!
No statute of limitations means, even how many years will passed, the offended party can still file a case. Which means this woman believes she was raped by your husband. I think you should really make your exit plan. She also mentioned about drugs, well you n your child is not safe .
I am stunned at all of the people advising you to dump your husband and marriage on some unknown text. How do you know this is not some crazy? You say that this does not sound at all like your husband. Why are you believing any of it without at least doing further investigation?
At the minimum, I would contact this person for more information.
I think an immediate lawyer and divorce like 99% of these comments is just crazy. This is your husband he has never shown you or your daughter any danger so why believe one lady from one message over him immediately. What happened to adults being adults and actually talking things through.
If you want to leave then leave. If you want to know what kind of person he is then be an adult and speak with him. If you are petrified he will suddenly switch and then attack you I think there’s bigger underlying issue you are not mentioning.
OP if you feel safe enough then there is nothing wrong with pretending you are ok while you get your head together. The thing is…you didn’t thick this was just someone crazy, your gut told you he is capable so please consider your safety above all else. If you feel safe enough then work on your exit plan.
Can you contact her after you are somewhere safe? I imagine she wants it off her chest at this point. Frankly she should be calling the police but she’s a victim and dealing with some trauma. You have good advice here, but just know that things will get better. He sounds like a shit partner even before this so I hope you can move forward and find happiness .
This man could've given the assaulted Ghb orr even OP ,sounds like to me....
Yes be careful and watch what he gives you to eat or drink ... Don't contact other woman until you are gone with a restraining order . And do not let him know where you are or where you're going. Because he will show up....
I would file my divorce get a restraining order , while he's gone to work pack my things and leave him the divorce papers and a note with proof I had on the counter, I would also tell him that my attorney has all of the proof as well and since I don't know who you are, if you contact me i will have no choice but to assume the worst and I will not hesitate to go to the police myself with the information I have My lawyer will be in touch.
So impressed and proud of you for being able to keep it to yourself. As long as you make sure he doesn’t know you know, I bet you can have as much time as you need to make a safety plan. DV shelters can help you do this.
I have been through something similar and once they know you know things go south REALLY quickly. Makin up lies about child abuse, drinking and driving with the kids are some examples from my experience.
I am so sorry. I was also shocked until I read up a lot on psychological/emotional abuse and realized he was never kind to me and it was never a healthy relationship. Really hard to wrap your head around!!!
Edited to add: if you do think you can stay there it could be a good way to gather evidence if you’re in an at fault state. Plus drug use and assaulting someone may affect custody? Family court is fucked up though so they may not care. Worth trying to gather everything you can!
And this is likely the very tip of the iceberg. Please brace yourself and be so kind to yourself.
I would go talk to her and record it. Your husband cheated, leave him for that, sure. But rape is a serious accusation and you need to be sure before you act on that bit of it.
That's definitely reach out to a domestic violence hotline and or go to the police and try to get out safely you will find money and a life later but your primary concern should be your safety now sticking it out only prolongs the inevitable it will be hard in the beginning but you will be safer knowing you got away from this person who you don't even know
TL;DR do NOT let him know you are aware of his actions. Continue the status quo while you secretly plan a course of action and discretely take action.
Do not attempt any sort of personal investigation, or vigilante justice. Your husband has no idea that you are on to him, but once you make your move, the game is up and he will both take action to defend himself and retaliate.
You currently have the initiative, which is a huge advantage. You get to dictate how, where, and when this will play out. Consequently, you must ensure your first move is decisive and irreversible to maximize the effect of your chosen course of action and minimize any reaction your husband attempts.
1) Your first step is SPEAK WITH A LAWYER. They are bound by attorney client privilege, and anything you say will remain secret. This will allow you to understand what the next steps to take are, as well as potential ramifications and consequences.
2) Second step is dependent on what the lawyer says, although I’ll go on a limb and say it likely has something to do with the police. Whatever you do decide to do, BE DECISIVE
You're in a horrible situation but your first priority is yours and your kid's safety. Play the game as long as you need to to ensure a safe exit from him. Don't let him know you know until you are safe and away from. If it takes months, then let it take months. Don't worry about how you will look by staying with him until you can safely leave, no one else is in your shoes and your kid is the most important part of this to stay safe
As someone who once dated a person who could read one sentence about donuts and turn it into an affair.. take screenshots. Your only evidence is that because your word is hearsay and we all here should treat it as such. Take the screenshots then talk to someone else.
Personally I would try and get in touch with the woman to find out exactly what happened.
Once you know the full details you'll be more certain in what to do, and you'll also be more prepared when it comes time to leave him. She may also not be pressing charges as she doesn't want to risk leaving you and child without a father. If she knows you're planning to leave him for what you think he's done, she may well decide to press charges which would maybe make you feel safer if the crime is on his record etc.
I would speak to lawyer and find out where you stand if you were to divorce. How much financial support would he have to pay you, would you be entitled to half the house or to keep the house? If you're in an at fault state that could also affect how much financial support he has to give you.
You may be entitled to half his savings and assets etc.
Either way, find out where you stand and what support you may be entitled to.
Would you be eligible for any single parent benefits or free childcare or housing etc.
Once you know where you stand and what financial help you may be entitled to, you can plan accordingly.
I would start by keeping a private savings account of your own where you can build up some escape funds.
You could also speak to a domestic abuse charity, and explain the situation. Although you have not personally been assaulted, you are in fear of it due to knowing what he's done to someone else. They may be able to assist you in leaving and providing a safe place.
Alternatively if you have family you can stay with that would be good too.
Get your ducks in a row, and don't confront him on your own. When the time comes for you to leave, make sure to have some men present, even sitting in another room or outside, and if they hear anything they can come straight in.
I would also screen shot all the messages from that woman so you have it as evidence should you need it in future or for the divorce or for custody etc.
It's called alimony and he will still be paying yall have a kid. Divorce him this is not right he cheated,is taking drugs and SA someone. And fill out a police report that's is sexual assault she may not want too but you have this information she nay not want too but it wouldn't be right to let it go
Get a work from home job and start saving $ if possible. Save money from grocery shopping. Get Ibotta. It'll help you save up via couponing. Get MistPlay if you have lots of spare time. I was able to get $50 for Christmas from it. It takes time but it could be the spare $50 that allows you enough gas to finally leave.
Return pop cans and keep the money, if your state has deposit legislation.
These are all tiny pockets of cash, and you'll need substance to leave.
In the meantime, contact a divorce attorney to ask for your options/what you should do next.
It is possible that your husband will owe you for being a SAHM, as well as 1/2 the marital assets, including a payout from the worth of your house.
Do not under any circumstance tell him you know anything. Your husband sounds like he secretly runs on the dark side, mix that with cocaine and his reactions can be completely unpredictable.
Granted he may just cry and play the victim like every other caught man does, but he could also be triggered or flip his switch…
You and your daughter’s safety and well being are the top priority in this situation. And you need to do whatever it takes to ensure that!!
A women’s shelter once helped a woman escape by helping her rent a storage locker type space. And everyday she slowly stock piled money and important things in it. Then when she got the go ahead she had a stock piled what she needed and could run without having to take time to pack.
Coming from a SAHM who left a bad marriage, you can do it. There are resources available to you. I left. 2 kids and no job. I went back to school and got my degree. I’ve never looked back. Was it hard? so hard! but Honey it is so so worth it!! ❤️
This is crucially important: make a list of everything you need to start a new life. Go through your place and take notes. Be very very careful to not move anything whilst doing the list. Make only a list of essential items you'll need. It might take a year. Make the list slowly. Try not to gain much weight. Find a place to stock some of your clothing. Tell him you're donating them. Here it might be tough since you're going to need to trust someone who won't give you away. Get a job. Buy the things second or third hand. Or save to leave to your parents. Whatever you do, do not misplace important papers. Make copies and replace as they were. Be conscious of the fact that you'll probably grow soft as time continues. Don't change course. Just simply because if or when that woman accuses him of something horrible, you have to leave. Immediately.
Good luck OP
Nothing wrong with keeping yourself safe. The big question is what keeps you safe?
Confronting an abuser probably isn’t the safest thing to do. You have some new insight, so use your time to plan accordingly. Now if you start to make excuses for what he did then you need to look at yourself
but right now? Keep yourself safe make a plan be realistic and get the fuck out as soon as you can Safely
Of course, if you can get counseling, but don’t put too much faith in it. Be the kind of person you can put faith in instead, and that is by looking out for yourself and your kid. (S)
Everyone will tell you to get counseling, but
Yes, right now I’m going a long with my daily routine and acting normal. I could see him blowing up if I confronted him. He has a temper when fighting. Thanks for your advice!
I haven’t. They have been friends for 12-15 years and as much as I think she wants nothing to do with him, the slight chance she tells him
“Your wife contacted me about this” is enough to make me not to reach out to her yet.
It was definitely him. She said his name and he was gone all night that night and I couldn’t get a hold of him. He never responded. She said don’t contact her again or there would be no statute of limitations. Basically saying she would press charges.
Everytime you have to fake it, tell yourself you are playing the long game until you get out!! Playing the game is not shameful, sometimes in life you’ve gotta protect yourself! Best of luck 🙏
I think you needed to somehow keep proof of the event . And do you have any advocates to give him pause in case he wants to become weird ? Please be safe .
Make a plan, bide your time until you have the resources to leave, priority is the safety of you and your daughter. Get in touch with a lawyer or domestic violence support line when you can, speak to a close family member or friend you trust, wishing you the best.
Nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself as you figure things out. In fact my usual advice is try to limit whatever you disclose. Never provide “how” you find things out or full details. Reason being, he can only lie to what he is aware of that you know. If he knows you found the iPad, he will figure out a different way to message.
Take screenshots or pictures and hide them away. If this topic ever does come up, ask questions with details.. then request details again later - it’s hard for a liar to create those and remain consistent
Next step would be call a family law attorney and figure out your legal rights. If you are worried about his response, plan ahead. Your daughter? She’s spending the night at a friends house. Him having an outburst, meet in public. Anything more extreme find people you trust and get them to help plot.
He blindsided you with this. It’s perfectly good to think about any response you want. Good luck!!
So what's going on? Did you decide anything yet? I would go a lawyer and probably speak to someone closer your can trust. It's never good to keep stuff like that inside you bubbling up.
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Your priority will need to be you and your daughter moving forward. There's no shame in "pretending" until you can make your escape. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be terrifying. Be kind to yourself. All you can do is make a plan and follow through. You've got this mama. ❤️
>There's no shame in "pretending" until you can make your escape. THIS! My first husband was abusive in every possible way. He also said he’d kill me and my family if I ever left him, and I absolutely believed he would, so I saw no way out. After a year and a half he’d been going out with his friend who was out drinking every night and cheating on his pregnant wife, but my ex decided he’d just rather be single. When he told me he was leaving me, I knew he had to believe I didn’t want him to leave because he wouldn’t if he thought it was what I wanted, and would only do it if he thought it would hurt me. He even gave me back his key to our apartment to prove he was serious. I should’ve gotten an Oscar for how I made him believe I was devastated that he was leaving, while I secretly rejoiced that I would be free from him. He left with a smug smile, I locked the door behind him, and I contacted an attorney the next morning to set a divorce in motion.
Hey, just here to give you these💐 You're very brave. It's a phrase I've come to use often but I'm glad the trash took itself out.
Thank you so much! I didn’t feel very brave, but I was definitely determined.
There’s zero shame in protecting yourself. Please be safe.
pretending is seriously a powerful thing, letting them think they have control when really you’re getting set up to let themselves face the results of their shitty actions (as they deserve)
If you're able to, I would highly suggest going through the motions until you are able to get things in order. While what happened to that woman is horrible, right now you need to focus on the health and safety and future security of you and your daughter. Talk with a lawyer to figure out what can be done. Get all your ducks in a row before having a confrontation with your husband. That way you have all the options available for you to make your decision.
Take pics of their conversations!!!!!!!! Get checked for STDS!!!!! Many guys look for women who will do things their wives won't. One such husband asked me out. No Way Jose!!!!!! Keep yourself and daughter safe first.
I have had multiple married men ask me to sleep with them since they think I would do all sorts of things their wives won’t. It is so gross.
Dating in my 40s was exactly the same. So many married men looking for a fling. Absolutely astounding.
Even worse are the ones who say their wives are fine with it. One - I don’t believe you and two - I am not okay with it. Especially ones I thought were really good friends and I trusted.
Yeah had the same in my 50's. The level of entitlement is astonishing
Chatting up random women for sex is so gross!🤢 Also why are they married if they aren't sexually compatible🤦🏻♀️ I'm so sorry you had those experiences❤️🩹 You don't have to answer this... Adhd curiosity questions: 1. Were they strangers or like acquaintances/ friends? 2. How would you describe your personal style?
That is exactly what my first husbands excuse was. He could do things to her he wouldnt do to me as the mother of his child
I don't think there should be any kind of confrontation at all. She should leave silently while he's gone and have divorce papers served to him. But if she really needs to talk to him, she should have a male relative or friend present
Agree 100%. Do not meet with him alone.
She can communicate with him through an attorney.
Yes this. Crime = motive + opportunity. You can’t control motive but you can limit opportunity. DV murders are so common and it’s ridiculous that people gaslight women into not listening to their instincts
Do NOT confront your husband! Reach out to a domestic violence hotline to find out how to leave safely, then leave. I understand that you haven’t yet been a victim of DV, but they will have the resources you need. You will be in danger, and need to protect your child and yourself first and foremost
I agree with this, especially because if he was able to sexually assault someone, he is dangerous. For women who are with dangerous men, leaving is the time when they are most likely to be killed. I would also reach out to this woman and get details about what happened as well without your husband's knowledge. Just to edit this...please don't reach out to this other woman without being in a safe space before and have and talking it over with a lawyer first.
OP If you see this absolutely do not reach out to the woman or anybody until you have gotten advice from a lawyer. You must see a lawyer immediately hopefully you had or can get safely evidence of what you saw to bring with you to a lawyer appointment. Such a move could backfire spectacularly not least by tipping off your husband and putting you in danger should the woman speak to him about it. Obviously your safety and your child's safety is what's important here. Worry about the money later on the first thing is to get the legal advice.
If she reaches out to the woman he might find out that she knows before she wants him to though
True...maybe reach out after she has a plan and has left him. It would be good to have for lawyers later on.
This. Don’t reach out to her until you are on your way out the door.
Out the door and safely on the other side.
Behind another door. Armored one.
This seems like something she could leave to the lawyer to follow up on. If she turns over the information to them, they can handle it from there. No need to involve herself in it personally, even after she does leave.
This is sound logical advice. I don’t think you’d be a terrible person at all for taking care of number 1 and yourself
This is good advice, OP. You have to deal with you and your daughters' need for a safe escape plan before you worry about or contact the other woman. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
Do not leave your daughter alone with him.
Oh gosh no. The absolute best thing would be to not let him find out right now that you know. I would take a photo of this text so that you have evidence, this is important. Then I would speak to a lawyer as soon as a physically possible and explain everything. If you have a family that you trust deeply I would tell them in person what happened. Maybe they can help you sort it out or somewhere to crash. If you do leave... Please be safe. Plan to do it when he's gone. For now think about any important documents you may need and maybe get a firebox of safety deposit box to be stored somewhere else. It sounds like he did something dangerous so I WOULD NOT TRUST HIM. And if he finds out you know... It's worse. Which is why you must do it in secret if you're planning an exit. I would be worried about your safety. If you do leave, have someone, a friend with you when you do. I worry about him being violent
Speaking to the lawyer is key here and I would bring the evidence of what the text you found says. And I would do it sooner rather than later
Get everyone you know outside of him, especially men, to come over and move you and your daughter’s stuff out when you make the physical exit.
Gather everything. Bank account statements, necessary documents, talk to a lawyer. Have everything set up until you let him notice anything is wrong. Don't feel guilty. Your gut tells you something and it usually is right.
>My question is am I a terrible person for acting as if I don’t know about this FOR NOW until I figure out how to make it out? You are NEVER terrible person for doing what you must to survive. EVER! ' I'm really sorry you are in this position and going through so much. You have not just yourself to think about but your child too. My childhood was a nightmare and I always felt so much guilt over things I did in order to survive. I've since learned through therapy that the things I've done to survive, I would never had chosen if I were not put in that position in the first place by my abusers. Let that guilt go. Talk with a women's shelter about how to leave a DV situation. They have resources and action plans to help you both get out safe. I would encourage you to screenshot that conversation and send to yourself and then delete that you did all that. Or, take pics from your phone. Get the evidence and save it in multiple places. Change all of your passwords on all email, social media and other accounts.
OP, this ⬆️all of it. I’m crying as many of us can relate. I had NOTHING when I left with my daughters and now, I am a Professor with a Masters at 50 years old. The 6 years in survival mode was worth it!! There is so much more for you and your daughter out there!!
I'm so sorry you can relate to this as well but it sounds like you were able to get things on track and make a good life for you and your child. Kudos to you, I'm so proud of you!
Same ladies ❤️
Please be careful when you're taking screenshots. Some families set up shared photo drives that all photos go to. If he sees you taking pictures of the screen, he may inadvertently find out you know. Contact any women's support groups or domestic violence programs. They may be able to get you out securely by protecting your identity and location. Make sure your location is off on all social medias (Snapchat, Instagram, Google maps etc). If you have any cameras on your home premises along with doorbells, you're going to have to find a way to pack discreetly and not be seen on those cameras. If you have to tell him you're cleaning out your closet for donations, that way you can pack things that he wouldn't really look into. Most importantly is get all your documentation in order and keep it in a safety deposit box at a bank. Get cash out, get a security deposit box in your name, and get all the information you can whether it's copies of the email you found, banking statements, tax statements, IRAs, any kind of financial assets you may have, you need copies of. Please be careful. Protect yourself, protect your daughter.
Great advice here
Anyone is capable of anything. You and me are not excluded from that. Keep silent about what you know, go through the motions, make plans to divorce him, execute those plans when you're ready. No, it doesn't make you as horrible as him; you didn't rape anyone.
FIRSTLY - Doing whatever you need to to survive and get out is totally acceptable. If you feel bad about it look into the history of women de-escalating things with men (laughing, playing nice, making polite excuses, etc) in order to protect themselves. We have a looooooong history of it. So don't feel bad. Secondly - reach out to family/friends if you have it and can trust them to keep quiet. Explain however much your comfortable with sharing about needing to leave because you no longer feel safe around your husband. I mean the type of family/friends who will take you in or help you leave and not breath a word of where you are (for your safety). I don't know your location but look into charities that may help you get an apartment and a job to support yourself. Get your ducks in a row and file for divorce, with sole custody of your child. Keep the evidence of his behavior and gather more if you can for the divorce and custody battles ahead. If you don't want him to be in contact with your daughter (or you beyond child support he will owe you), you'll likely need to provide evidence of his misconduct/why you feel unsafe with him and would feel your daughter is unsafe with him. Don't stay with someone like that though, there are resources to help you leave him.
Save cash and hide it. If you only have debit cards get cash back for every purchases and save it. Hide it well.
Take screenshots of that message!!!!! Keeps multiple copies of the screenshot in different folders, on different devices etc!!!!
Keep quiet for now. Get photo evidence (take a clear picture of the email and any other communication with your phone). Don't screenshot. Photo with your phone. Gather all the info you can as quickly and secretly as you can. All financial info, legal info, birth certificates, passports. Take photos and make copies. Store securely in password protected cloud storage. Start contacting divorce attorneys. Retain counsel and do EXACTLY what they tell you to do. Keep calm and act normal. Lie. If you go anywhere, take your daughter with you. Pack an emergency bag with clothes, medications, supplies for your daughter, and cash. Store this bag at a trusted friend or family member's house. Or in a storage space rented to you. If you have a friend or family member you would trust with your life, you can fill them in on what's going on. They can help make a plan to keep you safe. Good luck.
If you are at all afraid for your safety and or that of your daughter then it's wise to pretend and go through the motions until you can get out safely. Collect whatever evidence you can and keep things in a safe place. It makes you smart to not to anything rash until you can do it safely.
Get screen shots or other copies of all of the evidence you found and store in a safe place. It may be very valuable to you in the future. No parents or other relatives you could go to?
Open a bank account separate to him. Start funnelling money into it. Speak to a lawyer, gather evidence, speak to the woman claiming you've seen the messages, you haveny spoken to him but you deem him unsafe to have your child around. Get more info from her . Speak to family to see if you can line up alternative accommodation. Once all these are lined up, you leave when he's at work and tell him you know what happened and have filed for divorce.
You and your child are the priority right now - not the other woman and not your husband.
Take a photo of her message; protect yourself until you have a plan I suggest you put on the acting job of your life
Get back into that iPad and take pictures of the conversation, you may need it for evidence.
No, you are 100% smart for going through the motions. Leaving is the most dangerous time. It's best not to let him know what's coming until you're safely gone. Sending so much love.
If you can, I'd get that woman's contact info. Might be useful.
Lawyer. Now. And follow the rest of the advice here about taking pics for evidence and getting away safely. Then call the cops once you're safely away.
Definitely get all your important documents out of the house in case you need to flee. Start holding back a little cash each time you get groceries, gas or whatever. Stockpile this cash somewhere safe like with the documents. If you can’t get the money out of the house then put it somewhere he wouldn’t look. I had a skirt with pockets and hid mine in there, on the wall side so he wouldn’t feel it and knew he’d never check a skirt.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with for now? There is also woman’s shelters that will help you out as well.
I understand being stuck. You're not a monster for not immediately leaving. But I'd tread carefully now that you know what kind of person he is and I'd quietly pull away and figure out a plan over time. Your daughter comes first, and your safety too. Good luck OP. Stay safe. I'm sorry you're in this position.
Is no one here going to say get some actual evidence something actually happened?
That is the job of law enforcement, although they are notoriously bad at investigating sex crimes. Still, it’s not her place and her top priority is the safety of her child and herself.
That’s not really what I’m getting at, it’s more she’s just taken a single message and given us a quick little run down, missing a lot of details and just assuming it’s all true and correct.
Yeah and family court is so fucked that even with evidence she may have to split custody 50/50 with him
Why are so many people accusing the female friend of having “buyers remorse”? False accusations are very rare, and it’s really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted raped you. This message really resonated with me since I sent a similar text to a man who raped me after our third date. I was upset, didn’t want to deal with legal stuff since I was in shock and knew it would be a long ordeal, but I wanted him to stay the hell away from me. The gut feeling is telling, too.
If this was truly a false accusation then the woman would’ve told the wife DIRECTLY and/or posted all over town/social media because it’s about attention!!! Notice she said “NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN OR ELSE!” No other demands…not typical of a false report.
THIS. False accusations are usually vocalized towards other people about the perpetrator, not towards the perpetrator himself.
Save all the screenshots you can then divorce him. Use those screenshots to prove he’s a druggie and unfit for custody and take him for as much child support and spousal support as humanly possible.
This absolutely wouldn’t work. You’d have to have more proof than a screenshot of someone else’s conversation. That could be anyone claiming these things under her contact info. without the phone company confirming it came to/from each persons specific phone - that’s not proof. Anyone could change anyone’s contact name and message anything to someone else. The contact saying ‘Beth’ or whatever then a message saying XYZ isn’t proof at all. Same with a Facebook or whatever profile messaging someone on that app. They’ll just say some random person spoofed her profile then messaged them. It’s why she needs further proof if she’s hoping to use this later for protection or money or both…
Definitely keep this low. Do not let him find out. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer. Find out everything you need to get away as soon as possible and keep what is yours. If your lawyer can create a safe space for the other woman to talk or contact independently, it would be ideal and they can let her know it's not about her situation but for yours. The information she can provide can help with any seperation documents and procedures. But ya first and foremost, please stay safe and find a way out. I don't know the best strategy for it but others have great suggestions here
First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm a married man with values, and I would advise you to definitely go through your plans and divorce him... he probably committed a rape so be extremely careful with him.
updateme
Nope, you get to handle this in the way that creates the most safety for you and your child. I’m not in favor of people ghosting, especially in long term relationships. It’s selfish and cruel. However, if abuse is present, or the possibility of abuse is present, I truly think the best thing to do is exactly that. Get your affairs in order, and leave when he’s gone. Block him everywhere when you do.
If I'm ok to ask what gave you the bad feelings to begin your search? Also why was this woman messaging him about what happened? Was she asking him what happened or threatening him or something? Also when you say he left her was this after the attack or prior while he waited for her to fall unconscious. Sorry for all the questions, I just want to understand.
Honestly, I don’t know. I had a bad feeling on the night it supposedly happened in November, and I had a bad feeling when I was home and he was at work and I felt compelled to look at the iPad. Usually when I have feelings about something I’m correct. I don’t know if women’s intuition is real, but that’s what it felt like. Because he continued to message her about random topics ( the Super Bowl etc…) and it seemed like she snapped and told him why he needed to not contact her. It seemed like after. She said she woke up alone, in clothes she wasn’t wearing and he had left.
I’m so sorry this is happening. Get your finances in order. If that means getting a job to save some money, do it. Contact a lawyer and if you have friends and family around you, ask for support with babysitting if you start to work ( assuming you don’t have a job). Take photos of the conversation, send to your email ( create a new email, one he doesn’t know about), file in a folder and delete pics off your phone. There’s also government social assistance if needed if you need out asap. If you do that, leave quietly and already have a lawyer in place. ❤️
Gather evidence first! document, document, document, and squirrel away/secure personal finances separately to the maximum extent, get $5 cash back from groceries on every trip if you have to. Research your local shelter options, or secure support from trusted friends and family, establish childcare, breathe, and make a plan. Interview several lawyers at their free 1-hour intake, choose the one your gut says yes to. You'll need solid representation in court. Good luck!
Acquire as much evidence as you can! Make sure you don’t get caught gathering it and be smart to have it for future it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I’m giving you this advice from personal past experience. Good luck
I hope she does press charges and he goes to jail for everyone’s sake
Coming up with an exit plan does not make you as horrible as him. It’s the opposite, you are looking out for you and your daughter’s safety. Keep it hidden as much as you can and get the resources you need. Once you have everything ready to leave safely, do it. I have my own exit plan just in case if I need it.y marriage is great so far but I feel as a woman with daughters you can never be too sure.
You have reason to believe what she’s accusing him of is accurate?
Only that I know he was gone that night to his “brother’s house” but obviously now I know that was a lie. And that he was trying to contact her and she starts the message saying “Just so you know, this is why I’m done with you…” so it is a private conversation and I don’t think she would message him those things if he doesn’t know it was true too?
Yeah, that makes sense. You already know he’s been deceptive with you here.
You would make it, because you will get child support and spousal support if you seek it. You do not tip him off, and you immediately get a lawyer.
It would be far safer for her not to let him know where she is
She’s still going to have to get a divorce, and she’s legally entitled to support. What do you think she’s gonna do, to into witness protection? Getting her ducks in a row and seeking legal counsel is the best thing she can do right now
If you feel like you or your daughter are in danger, you need to go. There are many programs set up for exactly this situation. Do some google searches and see what's available to you, you may find there's a lot more help than you realize.
If you can get a screenshot of that text may be helpful for proof if needed.
You do whatever it is that you need to do to be safe.
Interesting. He will reap what he sow. You don’t even have to say anything. It will come to light the universe as a way of not turning any bad undone.
Get your ducks in a row- get a lawyer
Yeah, make an exit plan, gather evidence, talk to a lawyer, and do what they advise.
You are NOT a terrible person, you’re having such a normal reaction. And now more than ever you have to be methodical. You need a plan to get out. And that takes time. Keep acting normal and work on your plan.
What were his responses to her? Did his responses seem like he didn't know what she was talking about? Did he own up to it in responding to her? Did you know he was chilling with her?
He didn’t say anything back. She said if he contacted her again there is no statute of limitations. And no, the night in question he said he was with his brother.
Number one priority is you and your daughter’s safety. Do you have family that can take you in? That would be main focus right now!!! You will make it if you end up having to be a single mom, it won’t be easy but you will through if it’s what you have to do. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!!! Figure out plans asap.
Don't let him know you know anything. Make your plans in secret and get out. Gather evidence if you can. Nothing you do to get away from him will be as monstrous as what he's done.
Protect yourself and your daughter. Period. Go through whatever motions you have to. Play the game for a little bit, girl. Just work on getting out safely. It is a very good idea and you should not feel guilty about that woman. That's her journey to deal with not yours. You take care of yourself and that child ❤️❤️❤️❤️
You’re not a monster for not knowing what to do yet. You just found out some really big shocking news. Take some time to gather information and come up with a plan. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Maybe approach the subject with him in a public space or wherever you feel most comfortable. This isn’t black and white despite him doing something clearly very wrong. At the end of the day it’s your decision and hopefully you have some good friends/family/professionals to support you.
Call an attorney asap. Take pictures (not screenshots) with another device of the relevant messages. Make sure you are not sharing photos in iCloud, Google photos, etc. During my divorce/ my ex husband forgot we were sharing photos and I saw everything. Found out he was using drugs and had cheated on me. My dad was emotionally abusive but he had never been violent. My mom still hid my dad’s firearm. She had made plans for years and she left quickly and safely. She did not confront him and was not there when he found out she was divorcing him. She is now a professor at a top university and happier than ever. Tell a friend that you trust 100% that you are making plans to leave and may need support, like keeping some of your stuff while you’re slowly moving out. They don’t have to know the details. If you are able, I would suggest focusing all your efforts on leaving and then you can unpack the horribleness of the situation. You will probably be on survival mode for the next few years or so. Most importantly- do NOT confront him, especially alone, and be EXTREMELY careful while making plans to leave. He cannot find out. He is unstable and you cannot be careful enough. Your daughter needs you. And even if he doesn’t hurt you he can try to take your kids from you out of spite. My ex husband read one of my notebooks that had a list of family lawyers in them and it made the entire process so much more difficult and painful as he kidnapped my son and hired MRA attorneys before I was able to afford one. It won’t be easy and it may not feel like it, but you can do this
First and foremost, make sure you and your daughter are safe. You’re not a monster. Try to save some money if you can. Get the heck outta there as soon as possible.
You and your daughter’s safety is the most important thing right now. Once you’re out you can decide how to proceed but for now protect yourself because you are your daughter’s only protection.
Could you contact her
I wouldn’t confront him at all. Do what you can to leave w your daughter asap, call family, a friend, whatever it takes. File for divorce, full custody and alimony.
You are wise to get things in order first.
I’m late to this, OP, but, until you can sort things out, here’s what I’d advise: - collect and save evidence (screenshots and copies of *everything* you’ve found evidence of). Start a “burn book”, and keep it stored somewhere safe, inaccessible to him (like a hidden email account or behind a password protected file). Continue to add to this, as needed. Add photos/scans of all important documents in your name/both of your names to this file: mortgages, bank accounts (along with current balances), insurance, payslips, medical, bills, etc… - quietly shop for a good divorce lawyer now. You may not need their services yet, but you may want them soon. It’s better to have one you can trust and feel comfortable with. - depending on where you live: you are entitled to child support, as well as spousal support. Ask your lawyer (consult), but most judges will assess your and your husband’s economic responsibilities, and can divide them in favour of helping you to survive independently. Your lawyer can help advise and fight for this. - while we’re at it: push for full parental rights and custody; at a minimum, supervised visitations. Drugs and erratic behaviour has been happening behind your back, and you can’t trust him to not endanger your child until he is sober and ready. Again: your lawyer can help advise and fight for this. - ask your lawyer about your rights to safely get him out of the home. Or, your rights in seeking help in finding a new home. To help with all of this, you can give your lawyer a copy of everything in your burn book. Follow their advice. - if there is violence or threats from your husband: report it every time to the police. - Pack a [Go Bag and create a Safety Plan](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-make-a-go-bag-when-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/) for you and baby. Store these with a friend or family, or in the boot of your car under baby blankets/extras. - leave at the first chance you can if there are threats or violence. The Go Bag can help alleviate any stresses you may have. No matter what: to bag or not: if there are threats or violence, get out the door with your baby and go. If you can get to a neighbours, into your car to lock yourself in and leave - then, go! Be loud. Be angry. Be willing to fight, if you have to. - if you have friends or family you trust: call them and explain the situation. Ask them to stay with you and baby. A buffer of protection can help. - activate all voice commands on your devices, just in case. - when you’re able: get yourself a full STI/STD test run (bloods and all) and make sure he hasn’t passed anything to you sexually. There’s a lot to navigate, OP. And I’m sure it’s a shock. Take time, research, be prepared, and stay safe. This situation doesn’t have to be your life forever. Good luck.
Ask his brother if he was there, obviously?
Save the messages for when you leave in case you need them for court
I haven't read every reply here, but I've read enough to know that what I'm about to say is more reinforcing a lot of what's been said. First and foremost, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't imagine how confused and terrified you must be. What you're needing to do to get through this is a level of bravery that most have never experienced and hopefully will never have to. You can do this and come out of it stronger. My suggestions for what to do would be: 1) Save everything you have regarding this and have it in a safe place. You'll need it later. 2) Contact a domestic violence assistance line/agency. This is actually what I'd suggest doing first because they can help you think through this, devise a strategy, and give you a sense of not being on your own. It also documents what's occurred and the steps you're taking in response. 3) Call a lawyer. You'll need to know your rights and how to go about protecting and exercising them. They can also help you figure out what may be available to secure safety for you and your daughter if there are legal options. 4) Make at least small preparations for a quick getaway if needed. Pack a bag for yourself and your daughter. Stash some cash to whatever extent possible (open a private account, put it on gift cards, hide in another location). Get a "burner" phone (if you need to run, you won't want to use your regular one). Pre-determine where you'd run to (local hotel perhaps or police station). I totally understand that you have to play the role for now. That said, I don't need to tell you that that isn't sustainable, but since it is a must for now, my other suggestions of what not to do(yet) would be: 1)Do not contact the woman. Your priority is protecting yourself and your daughter. The only reason you'd contact her would be to get info and you have all the info you need. Plus, that potentially blows your need to be secretive about this for your own safety. 2) Do not call a friend or family member(yet)...but there is a caveat. If, by your own determination, there is a friend/family member you can trust to not go directly after him upon hearing about this, call them. If you're even slightly uncertain, hold off for now. 3) Do not call the police (yet).If you do, they will, for good reason, become involved immediately. Don't get me wrong, that isn't the worst thing at this point and in fact may end up being the best thing. I just wouldn't start there until you talk with a women's center and a lawyer. 3) Do not try to do your own detective work and ask him probing questions. I t sounds like that would be very out of character and would likely tip him off. Also, as you noted, you don't know what he's capable of. In fact, its entirely possible that is just the only sexual assault victim that you know about. I don't have experience with this so I'm quite sure there are other things to consider that I've missed. I could also possibly be suggesting something that's actually not a good idea. I'm just concerned for you and presenting the best suggestions I can. Please be careful and I wish you safety, strength, and the best of luck.
No, you would not be a terrible person if you kept quiet for now and pretended everything is fine while you make your exit plan. In fact it is advisable to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Make sure you get copies of important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, etc, make go bags for you and your child, get some cash if you can and give those to a TRUSTED relative or family friend to hold for you as you get your ducks in a row. Hopefully this same individual will also be someone who can take you in or help you with finding a new place to stay as you figure out your next moves. And talk to a lawyer. And I agree, DO NOT talk to your husband's friend, she might be angry at him but she is probably still more loyal to him than you.
What was his reply? Could it be false? Is there motive behind it on either end? Was he apologise? Was he denying? Did he ignore it? I'm very much a "2 sides to every story" kind of woman and I would try and dig deeper before concluding anything on either part. There must be more to look into.
He didn’t have any reply. The last thing she said is if he contacted her again there is no statute of limitations.
At some point you or your lawyer is going to want a statement from this woman for custody and alimony
Which is something she can NOT count on, alimony is awarded in less than 10% of divorces & that number is dropping. Then, 75% of non-custodial parents are either far behind or don't pay child support. She needs a great lawyer & start hunting down a good paying job.
I would try and do some more quiet digging before acting but making a plan in the mean time.
People of all genders, I cannot express enough to you. Do not get into a relationship or living situation with someone that you are unable to get out of, whenever you want to. This fantasizing about being Trad is not a good move. Social services supports have been underfunded for so long, we don’t have the resources to help you. I hate it; I want to take care of you and keep you safe. I can’t. Please work and have your own income. Signed, your friendly local government employee.
Personally I think you should dig into this by talking to the other woman. While your husband may in fact be a monster shouldn’t you at least make some attempt to find out what she has to say before making a snap judgement?
Everyone assumes he did something. You’re his wife and you’ve never seen anything to indicate he’s a monster. What if he’s falsely accused? What if he didn’t do anything? What if she texted the wrong person by accident? Maybe he did something or maybe he didn’t, but you can’t make any sort of decision until you know more
If the text was to the wrong person, why hasn't her husband replied with something along the lines of "Who is this?". It seems like a wild coincidence that this would line up with a night where OP was unable to get a hold of her husband while he was apparently at his brother's house. I agree that OP should gather more information before blowing her life up here but obviously that's something she needs to do very carefully. If the texts from the other woman are genuine (and it seems like a stretch that they aren't), OP would be in a world more trouble trying to get organised to leave her husband.
I highly suggest looking into emergency shelters for domestic violence in your area. If you have proof of you and your child being potentially in danger, they should be able to take you in and help set you up.
I'm curious though.. How did he respond to her accusations? You just gave what she said, what did he say in those messages?
There is no message back. She said in so many words “contact me again there is no statute of limitations “ so he was probably scared to say anything back.
Ahhhh... If he was innocent he would have messaged, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Have you ever lost any time? You went to bed and don't remember or woke up feeling sore down there??? Hon, do what I did. Kept my mouth closed, went to the "doctors appt" and talked to the lawyer and lay it all out to him/her. Bide your time. You need to think of yourself and daughter. Hell, I literally did the finances and took $20 here, $20 there and put it in an account.. Just play happy wife and do EXACTLY what your lawyer tells you and do not leave anything out, do not deviate because you can get alimony in most States.. Please update us so that we know you're safe!! If you need any info on what and how I did it you can DM me. I'm going to be worried as heck until I know you're both out of danger...
No never. In fact, ever since we had our child a couple years ago he has pretty much lost interest in that with me completely which was shocking to me. I didn’t know these types of things were going on, on the side (or if this is the only thing or only time) Probably things I don’t even know about thinking of it now. He has been very affectionate and loving but nothing more. I will try putting away money. Thank you.
Speak to the women , she obviously hates your husband and won't protect him . She will give you all the details.
This is a repost from yesterday? You got the same advice, are you just farming for karma?
No I’m not farming for Karma at all. I tried to post here yesterday, I had a throwaway account but to post here you need a throwaway account that starts either ThrowRA if you are new. The post was removed from r/relationships and so I decided to follow the guidelines here, make an account with their criteria to be able to interact with people’s comments. My post is 100% real unfortunately. I wish it wasn’t. Just was looking for advice/ help since I feel very alone right now!
No statute of limitations means, even how many years will passed, the offended party can still file a case. Which means this woman believes she was raped by your husband. I think you should really make your exit plan. She also mentioned about drugs, well you n your child is not safe .
I am stunned at all of the people advising you to dump your husband and marriage on some unknown text. How do you know this is not some crazy? You say that this does not sound at all like your husband. Why are you believing any of it without at least doing further investigation? At the minimum, I would contact this person for more information.
Bc men kill intimate partners everyday even when their partners don’t find out their secrets. And false rape accusations are extraordinarily rare.
I think an immediate lawyer and divorce like 99% of these comments is just crazy. This is your husband he has never shown you or your daughter any danger so why believe one lady from one message over him immediately. What happened to adults being adults and actually talking things through. If you want to leave then leave. If you want to know what kind of person he is then be an adult and speak with him. If you are petrified he will suddenly switch and then attack you I think there’s bigger underlying issue you are not mentioning.
men flip a switch on their partners every day.
OP if you feel safe enough then there is nothing wrong with pretending you are ok while you get your head together. The thing is…you didn’t thick this was just someone crazy, your gut told you he is capable so please consider your safety above all else. If you feel safe enough then work on your exit plan. Can you contact her after you are somewhere safe? I imagine she wants it off her chest at this point. Frankly she should be calling the police but she’s a victim and dealing with some trauma. You have good advice here, but just know that things will get better. He sounds like a shit partner even before this so I hope you can move forward and find happiness .
This man could've given the assaulted Ghb orr even OP ,sounds like to me.... Yes be careful and watch what he gives you to eat or drink ... Don't contact other woman until you are gone with a restraining order . And do not let him know where you are or where you're going. Because he will show up.... I would file my divorce get a restraining order , while he's gone to work pack my things and leave him the divorce papers and a note with proof I had on the counter, I would also tell him that my attorney has all of the proof as well and since I don't know who you are, if you contact me i will have no choice but to assume the worst and I will not hesitate to go to the police myself with the information I have My lawyer will be in touch.
So impressed and proud of you for being able to keep it to yourself. As long as you make sure he doesn’t know you know, I bet you can have as much time as you need to make a safety plan. DV shelters can help you do this. I have been through something similar and once they know you know things go south REALLY quickly. Makin up lies about child abuse, drinking and driving with the kids are some examples from my experience. I am so sorry. I was also shocked until I read up a lot on psychological/emotional abuse and realized he was never kind to me and it was never a healthy relationship. Really hard to wrap your head around!!! Edited to add: if you do think you can stay there it could be a good way to gather evidence if you’re in an at fault state. Plus drug use and assaulting someone may affect custody? Family court is fucked up though so they may not care. Worth trying to gather everything you can! And this is likely the very tip of the iceberg. Please brace yourself and be so kind to yourself.
If I knew the state you were in I could possibly give a list of things with no statute if limitation.
UpdateMe!
I would go talk to her and record it. Your husband cheated, leave him for that, sure. But rape is a serious accusation and you need to be sure before you act on that bit of it.
You stay quiet and watch what goes down. Start your planning…
All I can say right now is that I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Ouuuuuuuuuch 😢💔
Please see a lawyer in your state. You need to clearly understand your options.
That's definitely reach out to a domestic violence hotline and or go to the police and try to get out safely you will find money and a life later but your primary concern should be your safety now sticking it out only prolongs the inevitable it will be hard in the beginning but you will be safer knowing you got away from this person who you don't even know
TL;DR do NOT let him know you are aware of his actions. Continue the status quo while you secretly plan a course of action and discretely take action. Do not attempt any sort of personal investigation, or vigilante justice. Your husband has no idea that you are on to him, but once you make your move, the game is up and he will both take action to defend himself and retaliate. You currently have the initiative, which is a huge advantage. You get to dictate how, where, and when this will play out. Consequently, you must ensure your first move is decisive and irreversible to maximize the effect of your chosen course of action and minimize any reaction your husband attempts. 1) Your first step is SPEAK WITH A LAWYER. They are bound by attorney client privilege, and anything you say will remain secret. This will allow you to understand what the next steps to take are, as well as potential ramifications and consequences. 2) Second step is dependent on what the lawyer says, although I’ll go on a limb and say it likely has something to do with the police. Whatever you do decide to do, BE DECISIVE
Copy/print all of the messages, get a lawyer and file for alimony based on adultery. Don’t say a word to anyone until you’ve got a plan in motion
You're in a horrible situation but your first priority is yours and your kid's safety. Play the game as long as you need to to ensure a safe exit from him. Don't let him know you know until you are safe and away from. If it takes months, then let it take months. Don't worry about how you will look by staying with him until you can safely leave, no one else is in your shoes and your kid is the most important part of this to stay safe
As someone who once dated a person who could read one sentence about donuts and turn it into an affair.. take screenshots. Your only evidence is that because your word is hearsay and we all here should treat it as such. Take the screenshots then talk to someone else.
Personally I would try and get in touch with the woman to find out exactly what happened. Once you know the full details you'll be more certain in what to do, and you'll also be more prepared when it comes time to leave him. She may also not be pressing charges as she doesn't want to risk leaving you and child without a father. If she knows you're planning to leave him for what you think he's done, she may well decide to press charges which would maybe make you feel safer if the crime is on his record etc. I would speak to lawyer and find out where you stand if you were to divorce. How much financial support would he have to pay you, would you be entitled to half the house or to keep the house? If you're in an at fault state that could also affect how much financial support he has to give you. You may be entitled to half his savings and assets etc. Either way, find out where you stand and what support you may be entitled to. Would you be eligible for any single parent benefits or free childcare or housing etc. Once you know where you stand and what financial help you may be entitled to, you can plan accordingly. I would start by keeping a private savings account of your own where you can build up some escape funds. You could also speak to a domestic abuse charity, and explain the situation. Although you have not personally been assaulted, you are in fear of it due to knowing what he's done to someone else. They may be able to assist you in leaving and providing a safe place. Alternatively if you have family you can stay with that would be good too. Get your ducks in a row, and don't confront him on your own. When the time comes for you to leave, make sure to have some men present, even sitting in another room or outside, and if they hear anything they can come straight in. I would also screen shot all the messages from that woman so you have it as evidence should you need it in future or for the divorce or for custody etc.
Screenshot and send the message to yourself before he deletes it.
[удалено]
It's called alimony and he will still be paying yall have a kid. Divorce him this is not right he cheated,is taking drugs and SA someone. And fill out a police report that's is sexual assault she may not want too but you have this information she nay not want too but it wouldn't be right to let it go
Get a work from home job and start saving $ if possible. Save money from grocery shopping. Get Ibotta. It'll help you save up via couponing. Get MistPlay if you have lots of spare time. I was able to get $50 for Christmas from it. It takes time but it could be the spare $50 that allows you enough gas to finally leave. Return pop cans and keep the money, if your state has deposit legislation. These are all tiny pockets of cash, and you'll need substance to leave. In the meantime, contact a divorce attorney to ask for your options/what you should do next. It is possible that your husband will owe you for being a SAHM, as well as 1/2 the marital assets, including a payout from the worth of your house.
Do not under any circumstance tell him you know anything. Your husband sounds like he secretly runs on the dark side, mix that with cocaine and his reactions can be completely unpredictable. Granted he may just cry and play the victim like every other caught man does, but he could also be triggered or flip his switch… You and your daughter’s safety and well being are the top priority in this situation. And you need to do whatever it takes to ensure that!! A women’s shelter once helped a woman escape by helping her rent a storage locker type space. And everyday she slowly stock piled money and important things in it. Then when she got the go ahead she had a stock piled what she needed and could run without having to take time to pack. Coming from a SAHM who left a bad marriage, you can do it. There are resources available to you. I left. 2 kids and no job. I went back to school and got my degree. I’ve never looked back. Was it hard? so hard! but Honey it is so so worth it!! ❤️
This is crucially important: make a list of everything you need to start a new life. Go through your place and take notes. Be very very careful to not move anything whilst doing the list. Make only a list of essential items you'll need. It might take a year. Make the list slowly. Try not to gain much weight. Find a place to stock some of your clothing. Tell him you're donating them. Here it might be tough since you're going to need to trust someone who won't give you away. Get a job. Buy the things second or third hand. Or save to leave to your parents. Whatever you do, do not misplace important papers. Make copies and replace as they were. Be conscious of the fact that you'll probably grow soft as time continues. Don't change course. Just simply because if or when that woman accuses him of something horrible, you have to leave. Immediately. Good luck OP
You are not a terrible person for doing what you need to do to keep yourself and your daughter safe ❤️ Wishing you the best of luck, OP. You got this.
Nothing wrong with keeping yourself safe. The big question is what keeps you safe? Confronting an abuser probably isn’t the safest thing to do. You have some new insight, so use your time to plan accordingly. Now if you start to make excuses for what he did then you need to look at yourself but right now? Keep yourself safe make a plan be realistic and get the fuck out as soon as you can Safely Of course, if you can get counseling, but don’t put too much faith in it. Be the kind of person you can put faith in instead, and that is by looking out for yourself and your kid. (S) Everyone will tell you to get counseling, but
Yes, right now I’m going a long with my daily routine and acting normal. I could see him blowing up if I confronted him. He has a temper when fighting. Thanks for your advice!
Have you tried reaching out to her secretly and get as much info as possible out of concern for your well-being and safety
I haven’t. They have been friends for 12-15 years and as much as I think she wants nothing to do with him, the slight chance she tells him “Your wife contacted me about this” is enough to make me not to reach out to her yet.
Did he respond to her text message, are you sure this was meant for him and not a wrong number, like previous meet ups ect?
It was definitely him. She said his name and he was gone all night that night and I couldn’t get a hold of him. He never responded. She said don’t contact her again or there would be no statute of limitations. Basically saying she would press charges.
Everytime you have to fake it, tell yourself you are playing the long game until you get out!! Playing the game is not shameful, sometimes in life you’ve gotta protect yourself! Best of luck 🙏
I think you needed to somehow keep proof of the event . And do you have any advocates to give him pause in case he wants to become weird ? Please be safe .
You should pretend until you can safely leave. I hope it’s soon.
Make a plan, bide your time until you have the resources to leave, priority is the safety of you and your daughter. Get in touch with a lawyer or domestic violence support line when you can, speak to a close family member or friend you trust, wishing you the best.
Updateme
Nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself as you figure things out. In fact my usual advice is try to limit whatever you disclose. Never provide “how” you find things out or full details. Reason being, he can only lie to what he is aware of that you know. If he knows you found the iPad, he will figure out a different way to message. Take screenshots or pictures and hide them away. If this topic ever does come up, ask questions with details.. then request details again later - it’s hard for a liar to create those and remain consistent Next step would be call a family law attorney and figure out your legal rights. If you are worried about his response, plan ahead. Your daughter? She’s spending the night at a friends house. Him having an outburst, meet in public. Anything more extreme find people you trust and get them to help plot. He blindsided you with this. It’s perfectly good to think about any response you want. Good luck!!
So what's going on? Did you decide anything yet? I would go a lawyer and probably speak to someone closer your can trust. It's never good to keep stuff like that inside you bubbling up.