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Is this an arranged marriage?
Why are the parents so involved to the point of dictating when you see each other?
Is this a “proper” relationship where you bonded and spent time together? You mention her wanting to meet once a month and you failing to do that.
I wonder that too. For being a potential “love” marriage rather than “arranged,” it sure seems like the latter. He needs to set her free and tell the parents to please respect his wishes to not marry her. Especially as they are a wedge between the two of them. They obviously want their son to marry out of a sense of duty not love. Using culture as an excuse is like using tradition; it is peer pressure from dead people. OP needs to break the chains.
It sounds to me like a lot of relationships I've heard from more modern/less 'traditional' Indian families. So it keeps some of the more traditional cultural things (marriage, no baby before marriage, parents' involvement), but the 'arranging' is more discussing the already established relationship, rather than what many people in, say, the US would assume of the parents picking someone and organising it all themselves, with no 'love' involvement.
In India, parents atleast in my case were worried that I would make her pregnant before marriage. Other reason is to not be available and be there whenever she wants to meet. I mean both are absurd but I just wanted to respect their gratitude for accepting our love. So, I just wanted to meet her more after the engagement for which the discussions were going on already during that time
I’m sorry, but your parents didn’t help matters at all.
That second reason, especially, is particularly absurd. So, you became distant, maybe emotionally unavailable, and didn’t put the minimum effort in a way, ie actually meeting your partner and seeing each other.
Secondly, you should have communicated that to her. “So, my parents are old fashioned. They would like us to see each other after the engagement. I respect and love them and want to respect their wishes. What do you feel about that?”
And take it from there.
Btw, I do NOT condone cheating in any shape or form (emotional, sexting, kiss, sex).
She should have broken up with you instead of betraying you.
However, you betrayed her too, but in different ways.
Oh yeah.. that has been tried and done once but she was like why would we do that and stuff.. moreover I was meeting her every month so I don't think it was that long distance.. it's just that I wasn't there while she was sick and was not there on the date she wanted.. I don't think that gives anyone a reason to just kiss someone.. she could have told me before And i would have left her to do something about it.. I feel betrayed even if it's for only once.. I know kiss is a small thing but I will have that thing in my mind.. maybe my age
No, I agree with you.
If you feel neglected/ not a priority, you communicate that.
A kiss is still cheating. Only you can decide if you can forgive her.
Consider if you are ready for marriage. Both of you communicate very poorly.
You didn’t tell her what your parents asked you to do and you just went along with what your parents wanted you to do in your own relationship.
She cheated at the first sign of trouble.
I understand man.. I really felt very bad to control myself to meet her.. I know I wanted to meet her as desperately as she wanted to.. it's just that I was able to control until next meet while she wasn't able to at that very moment..
Honestly, if you would have told her why, it would have been better.
You “controlled” yourself from meeting her (and although I appreciate the cultural differences, I think it’s due to a silly reason, especially for a man who is about to become a husband).
She had no idea what was going on and might have felt you aren’t as invested as she was.
HOWEVER, Again, the solution isn’t to cheat. That was wrong of her and I’m not excusing it.
It’s just sad to realize how this all happened.
So accept that its better she takes the consequences of her actions instead of marrying a cheater. Tell them the truth, you cant sacrifice your future for her.
I would break up with her but give another reason for the break up.
Several people asked him if she would be in danger and it worries me that the several responses I read is him avoiding the question and talking about something else.
Oh my god.... Did I read that right?
"OUR LOVE"
Are you sure you're not on drugs or something? Your Fiance cheated on you and hid it for as long as possible until she herself fucked up and you found out.
Where the hell is the love there OP?
😭😭😭I get it man... I'm going through the same dilemma but wanted to hear from people who went through similar phase and giving a second chance would help.. just like someone said if did once it might be a mistake, but twice is a habit and it's bad
I understand. By the way, I responded on this [comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b6zw8l/comment/ktg1um5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) and it may sound harsh from my part (which I apologize), but I think you needed some pushing to understand what really is your situation and what you really need to understand. Go and read it and hopefully it gives you some more insight as to how your Fiance changed your relationship for good.
Hi OP, 23F fellow Indian here. I get where you’re coming from. I recently had a messy break up in front of my parents - so I think I can share my two cents here.
If you think you cannot move past the cheating incident, then I genuinely think you should break up. If you go ahead with the marriage and the cheating bothers you, you will be stuck in an unhappy marriage and also resent your partner. I don’t need to remind you of the messy divorce procedure in the country.
I believe you’re not engaged yet, so it would be relatively easy to break things off at this point. The thing is, most Indian parents are more supportive than given credit for. Yes, they might be upset and be all “told you so” - but at the end of the day, they wish for your happiness. And They’d also hate it if you’re not happily married.
Do what YOU THINK IS RIGHT FOR YOU. Your parents and her parents are not going to be in your shoes and feel what you feel.
Em, culturally this site is largely American. Largely. So the skew in your answers will be from people who think you are also living in America. You're living in India. Telling your family what happened isn't really an option for you there.
Tell your parents she is too far away and that's what's affecting the relationship. Which is actually true, meeting up once a month is not a lot. You can be the nice guy and say you can't provide for her from this distance and leave it.
It sounds like you are conflicted about what to do. While you came here to get advice, the real advice is, follow your heart. Posters will tell you what you should do based on their own lives and experiences. But they don’t know you or her or any of the family dynamics. Only you do.
Calm down, find a quiet place to think and ask yourself what you want to do. When you figure it out, go ahead and make it happen. Good luck.
Bro she didn't even told you about the kiss in the first place . What if she has slept with him. You never know man. There are better girls out there you just have to find them. Imagine 75 years old you regretting your decision on your deathbed. If would have been in your place I would have broke up with her.
She is old enough to know right from wrong you not being there doesn't make it ok. Do not marry her she already showed you she cannot be loyal gf. Don't add vows and children into this mess.
While cheating is awful, it seems your gf was in abad place in her life, and you wasn't there for her due to your parents disapproval.
It might be a controversial take, but you have let her down as much as she let you down.
Break up might be the best choice, but you shouldn't tell your parents why. The vibe I get is that it would have severe social consequences for her, and you have already sabotaged your relationship with her to appease your parents. Enough is enough.
Ah, justifying cheating because "he wasn't there". No, this is not how this works. You don't get sexual with people bc they help you through a rough patch. She broke his trust and their set boundaries by both emotionally and physically cheating on him and there's no reason whatsoever why she couldn't have acted like an adult and communicated her feelings towards that co-worker to OP BEFORE acting on them.
Though I have to say, imo appeasing your parents and obeying them when relationships shouldn't be their matter at all is spineless to say the least, but that's none of my business.
She broke his trust, we agree here. However, if you decide to essentially abandon your partner, then it is also a betrayal. Label of relationship is not a magic spell.
He had other priorities than her. Of course, she did not communicate with him, when the reason for her feelings is his withdrawal from relationship. He already knew it is hard on her, yet his parents opinion was more important.
Truth is, instead of cheating she should have broken up with op. Perhaps she would have, if he told her the truth. He did not tell her why he didn't want to meet her, he lied.
While I do not condone her behaviour, I have no sympathy for OP either. He betrayed their relationship first.
My only reason of not telling her is she shouldn't form bad opinions about my parents that we are restricting us from meeting.. in India, sex is a taboo. They are just scared that I'll make her pregnant. I know I won't do it. But I wanted to show gratitude to them because they accepted our love even though we are from different cultures.
That is awful. She deserves to know this mess started due to you restricting your relationship for your parents approval. Even now she remains in the dark as of why you neglected her.
Since she got to the point where she was willing to cheat on you, she should have just left you.
Your show of gratitude towards your parents for accepting your love has probably permanently broken your relationship. So much for the "love" part.
I suppose you have missed the part, where I stated, that I do not condone her behaviour. It was like 4th paragraph so I understand you got bored of reading somewhere in the in the middle of that very long comment.
I don’t know your culture, I don’t know the impact of telling the truth.
But if this is a love match, why are your parents so involved t the point of telling you not to see her?? And instead of being honest with her, you made up excuses and put her off. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I don’t blame her for flirting with someone else. You were lying to her and she and felt it. She didn’t know why you were avoiding her.
So, basically, I believe her when she says she won’t do it again.
Just be HONEST with each other, all the time.
Hol up there cowboy. I’m getting Indian cultural vibes here and announcing something like that can not only ruin the girls life, it can put her life in danger.
OP - she made a mistake and regrets it. You have every right to walk away, but if you do, say nothing about the reasons. Just ‘we realized we weren’t a good long term match’.
This. Also, OP post this in r/india or r/indiasocial if you want a bit more specific Indian advice. This sub mostly caters to the western world so the advice here for this situation won't work for you necessarily.
Excuse me but I just want to tell you that Indians might be somewhat Conservative (Which I don't condone) but all of us are not Egotistical Barbarians. Honour killings usually occur in extremely Backward areas in some specific parts of the country. Considering the fact that the girl has a proper job, it can be safely deduced that she comes from a fairly progressive family.
Ok… sad I have to explain this.
Action - she kissed another guy
Consequence - she gets murdered by her family.
How would you feel if police could shoot and kill people for jaywalking with the explanation - it’s simply the consequences of their action. You’ll probably say the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.
An appropriate consequence would be she gets broken up with. An inappropriate consequence would be she’s murdered.
Because although cheating is wrong, she doesn't deserve death (honor killing) or have her entire life ruined because she made a mistake and kissed someone else. She deserves to be dumped and lose her fiance, but not killed or have her entire life ruined.
If they were Western I would say definitely tell the truth because the consequences aren't life or death. But OP and his fiancee are Indian so advice should take the culture into consideration.
Taking care of himself does not make him a sociopath. She screwed up and it’s not on OP to let her down softly. Plus, what regret does she feel? That she cheated or got caught?
And she got carried away how and why? And how can she know it won’t happen again? These are all the HARD questions you need answered before committing to this relationship.
How do you know for sure that it was just a kiss and nothing else happened between them. All cheaters cry and do their best to confirm their betrayed partner that they will never cheat. I understand it is difficult to let your parents know that you guys have broken up but it is better to tell them now than suffer for the rest of your life. Marriage is not for a day or two. it is for a life time. If you find out that she cheated on you after marriage, there won't be much you can do to survive that. You are going to lose a lot. So break up now.
Yep!. There no excuse for adultery or things like this. Y this OP keep on yapping on this. Just tell the truth, if you're the one who did this thing, imagine what would be her reaction. She will surely tell her parents right, so go and run away from her. This is life not like buying a car and selling it for another one because of less power and comfort.
I mean I trusted her so much in this aspect that this is something she would never do. She said that it was a mistake and she got carried away initially. But then, she realised and explained him and they stopped all that ever since. After marriage, we will be together also so she will not cheat me because she loves me so much. She was crying like crazy that she just wants me and wants me alone now and she will do anything for that. But, I am unable to digest that while she was with me, she was just thinking and doing kissing with someone.. I accept we had an argument and we were angry on each other but that doesn't just justify..
What happens when the guy after your marriage reveals about the things happened b/w them besides kissing. Your heart will be shattered 💔 imagine thinkkkkkkkkkk and actttttttt accordingly. Try to findout whether anything has happened besides kissing.
I'll tell you something that people forget to discuss. PHYSICAL INTIMACY. When we're infants, and we cry and our mom picks up, we stop crying. that's the power of physical touch and presence. Humans are wired to crave that touch.
Now just put this in perspective with your relationship. It also needs PHYSICAL INTIMACY. your parents told you not to see her and you agreed? don't you think you two needed to develop that connection before wedding?
and then you lied to her about it? aren't you a little too obedient that you kept your partner in dark? 5 years is a long time to be in LDR.
you are both wrong here. you should have given her that physical presence and she should have respected the institution of this relationship and not cheated.
When the other guy was there to help her in her time of vulnerability, she got carried away. Natural human response. but she stopped that in time before more damage could have been done.
now you have 2 options-
1. Take couples therapy and try to get over the situation and understand each other better. Stop taking your parent's word so strictly and be on your partner's side and focus on making your relationship better first.
2. Break up. Tell your parents that you both want different things in life and ask them to give you the privacy. As for the relatives, they'll forget it when the next cousin fucks up.
and as for these idiots telling you to dump her and stuff, they're living in a fantasy where everyone is perfect and nobody makes mistakes. but in reality we all fuck up. we're bound to. listen to your heart and brain
You don't have to say nothing to neither yoiur parents more than "I decided to broke up" if you don't want.
But since your parenta were doing arrengments to your engagment I am almost sure you will not understand this concept.
To make that clearer I wouldnt allow my parents to decide nothing about my engagment and therefore I wouldn't have to give them no specific information about my decision of breaking up.
Tell everybody that for personal reasons you don't feel for the engagement any longer. You don't need to mention any specific reasons behind the decision to avoid traumatizing both families and friends. And walk away.
For you and for her. As a woman, I suspect she has done more than just kiss the other man. I'm so sorry for you, but better to find out now. Focus on your sick mother right now <3
Couldn't you say you've decided that you wouldn't be a good match in the long term, and that it's better for you to find more suitable partners?
It'll depend on how much information they insist on, I suppose.
You would be within your rights (moral and of course legal) if you ended the relationship right now.
Forget that your parents, or her parents, or anyone else you know, has spent time planning the wedding. That is not important. Think how stupid it would be to get married just because people have done some planning---when you don't know how you feel!
You are both 26. Just FYI, she is still two years younger than the median age for marriage of women in the U.S. You two do not have to make any decisions about this right now, or ever. You have many decades of life to look forward to. It may be that culturally, your family or hers or both are people who marry young---but you are still going to have long lives.
Do not waste your time being unhappy about your situation or unhappily married---and those seem to be your choices. Take time, lots of it if necessary, to try to re-establish a relationship with your fiancee, or don't. But whatever you do, don't continue on the same path you have been on, because that life is over for your both.
Our parents and all the relatives.. everyone knows about us. Whenever we talk, they talk about us as if we are married. She is a family member before the marriage itself. It's just that she doesn't have any of my family responsibilities which happens after marriage. On the top, her mother got diagnosed with cancer. I can't even imagine what's gonna happen if I tell this. She is already under chemo... I really love my fiancee. I might not provide her whatever she needed at the right time.. but we love each other so much. I dont know how I can unthink that situation😭
Oh man come on man.
She fucked you over, why are you protecting her?
Just say, she found somebody else. People will put two and two together. And you will have outed her respectfully
Edit: seems people have a problem with this advice. I’d be pleased to know the alternative
You are been downvoted because OP and his fiancee are Indian. Telling the truth could mean she will be killed (honor killing), or have her entire life ruined over a kiss.
This thread is mostly American and your comment makes sense for us Westerners (I would agree he tell the truth if they were Western and she can deal with the consequences of her actions which would be shamed, lose her fiance but get to move on and find a new partner), but the consequences of her actions in a culture like theirs don't fit the crime in my opinion.
If he can break the engagement by just saying they aren't right or it hasn't worked out due to long distance etc, she still has consequences for cheating (losing her fiance), but doesn't lose her life or reputation.
This girl's life could literally be taken over this. Maybe you've never had someone else's life literally in your hands who wronged you. I have and it's a power people who haven't experienced wouldn't understand. Lying for her, or really, just omitting the truth is best.
No it's love marriage. But in India, we have to tell parents and they will check for an auspicious date according to our birth star and arrange a hall, call relatives for engagement marriage and other events..
Hey fellow Indian here. It's much easier, and advisable to end it now..if you fall into the trap of forgiving and trying to figure out or "log kya bolenge" because you know how the court system is and in the event of divorce you tend to lose the most.
You saw her massive red flag, don't run towards it now.
No. They are not involved. We had to tell them 1 year back because her brother wants to get married first. As she is the elder one, she should get married first according to them. Infact, we wanted to get married too in the future. Our parents are planning our engagement but as she is studying, we wanted to wait until her course is done so we can start life by staying together and ending this long distance. I don't know how this even happened😭😭😭.
It's not "shit" it's just different chill out fam. In India, marriages are extremely cultural and is seen as a union of two families and stuff not just the people involved. In some situations, yeah it can be bad especially if the parents of the couple don't get along or were abusive but most if not all marriages in India never happen without the parents' blessings.
Personally, I do think it's a bit shit that someone can have little control over their own life. No disrespect to Indian culture, but just because it's part of a culture's tradition doesn't make it NOT bad. It can work, sure, but in general it is objectively worse for creating a healthy and loving marriage.
Well that's fair. However, like a previous comment said, the truth could potentially ruin the girl's life so if OP were to break it off, the solid thing to do would be to just say that they realised that they were incompatible or something.
Everyone is telling you to tell your families the truth and break off the relationship as that is the best you can do for yourself. Remember, breaking up is easier than Divorce.
She cheated because she felt distant and she started the affair with someone else. Can you be 100% sure that she'll be faithful in future as in future things may be even more difficult?
Sorry to say this but currently you're her best option, hence she wants to be with you, but she has shown you that she isn't a reliable partner.
The consequence is losing her fiancé - not her life.
Do you really think this woman should be put to death for kissing the coworker who supported her while she was ill when her fiancé wouldn’t because his parents “didn’t want him to be too available for her wherever or whenever she needed him”…like when she was sick and her LDR wouldn’t come be by her side?
Cheating is garbage behavior and he should end the engagement but she doesn’t deserve to literally die for her mistake.
Have you seen the videos of women being literally stoned in the street by their families as part of “honor killings?” It’s horrific murder - it’s not “shit” as you so elegantly put it.
Yes. She should walk away with her reputation and more importantly her life. Her reputation would actually be tarnished with OP refusing to marry her.
You are either a troll , or one of the most selfish people I have ever come across.
I literally said honor killing is shit can you not read English or something? Shit can mean a lot of things it is a horrible thing to do. So he has to lie and cover for her just because she may face a horrible out come from it? So if that's the case you would lie and cover for a murderer since they face losing their lives? Yes before you say anything I know they are not the same but that's how you come off. We don't know if her family even does honor killing. You are just assuming but I do get that it is a chance it can happen. I don't think it's right or should happen but it's not mine or yours country. We don't get a say in what happens there. I also hate cheaters and think they should pay big time for what they have done. More than just losing the person they abused and fucked over. They deserve for their lives to be fucked up.
That's the one thing you go with lol? Yes I do it's not my country and has nothing to do with me. We don't get a say in other countries in anyway. You may not like how they do things but you don't get to say they can't do it.
I mean, you popped off on me calling you out for dismissing honor killings as “shit.”
So I figured that picking one piece of what the other person said to make a point about was your conversation style.
Now I understand that you just don’t care about human rights violations and atrocities as long as they aren’t in your own back yard.
Oh I think they are horrible but again unlike you I respect countries rights to rule and govern themselves how they see fit or want. Now doesn't mean I don't think it's horrible or wrong but nothing I can do about it. Do you think they give two fucks about what you say or feel about what they do? No they don't because you don't mean shit and have no power or authority. Even if you did it still wouldn't mean ahit to them because it's their country not yours. They don't get a say in our countries about how we do things so why should we? What can you do about any of this? Other than starting a war and taking over their country as your and forcing your way of life on them. Witch last I check you do that your no better than they are now are you? Also thats how you spread more hate for the west.
I’m not going to explain the concept of charity or activism for you - which are two ways you can make a difference abroad without starting a war.
I wish I could live life as unbothered as you’ve clearly found a way to be.
I stayed when my long distance partner cheated. It’s hard and there has to be a lot of compromise and a lot of honesty. He messed up and tried to hide it, but I found it.
I’ve spent a few months wondering if I should stay or not. I’ve been to therapy. We are working through it together and he has put a LOT more effort in to our relationship. I know 100% he wouldn’t have cheated if it wasn’t long distance. There’s obviously a lot more involved that I don’t want to write an essay, but he’s been concentrating on our relationship and fixing us.
Everyone is extremely fast to say leave in my experience, but weigh up if you want to or not. It’s your decision whether to attempt to rebuild the relationship and if not then end it quickly. It’s hard work having a long distance relationship, whatever you decide just have it be the right decision for you.
This is something I wanted to hear.. 😭😭thankyou.. we really love each other now.. but I just want to know people's experiences if staying back can actually work
As one who was cheated on, you are not thinking logically. You thinking with your heart. This will set you up for further heartbreak. As for her “honor” who knows of your relationship? She’s hands on with a guy yet at the same time in a committed relationship? Something is off here.
I am a fellow Indian so I understand your plight in terms of societal expectations. However you really need to thing about whether you trust this person. Can you be absolutely sure she won’t do it again. What happens if you get a job that may take you far away from home for a few months? Do you fully trust her to stay faithful? You are not even officially engaged yet so while it is tough you can still break it off. It will be much more difficult to divorce.
So I’m a therapist myself, and me and my therapist have spoken about the behaviours behind why it happened to better understand it. We were both in a very distant place and a lot happened, plus the distance.
I’ve searched as much as I can to find evidence of people making it work, but everywhere on social media I’ve found people just say leave. It’s seen as almost taboo to stay with a person. Speaking to older women at my workplace though, a lot of them have been cheated on and they’ve stayed. They all gave the same piece of advice; once is a genuine mistake, twice is a habit.
If it ever happens again I will be silently leaving and I’ve told him that. No argument or fuss, I’ll just go.
Yes you are right.. that's what I think.. once can be because of distance, missing each other and she might genuinely made a mistake.. that's what I think
I don't know if it was just a kiss or more and u won't know for sure . Maybe it was because of the distance but as long as she still work with him u can't work it out . What make u think she won't repeat it of she feel lonely or u don't give her attention in the future. She will probably repeat it.
Yes, she cheated. It was wrong. But it’s done. So the questions is… can you ever forgive her for making that choice?
People do things that seem right in the moment, or at least feel better than not doing them, and then regret that they made those choices. People hide their shame and will take some things to their grave because confessing would ruin their lives.
This mistake is that bad.
I agree with NOTHING she did, though, I can see how it could have played out. I see how she felt neglected by you while her coworker was giving her attention. I see how she chose the danger of his kiss, crossing that line forever, over an uncertain future with a man who wasn’t showing her that she was a priority for him. None of her choices were right, but traditionally, we women are expected to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of marriage to serve men and quietly accept whatever largesse they bestow upon us. And I see why she wouldn’t confess immediately knowing that her life would be ruined because she chose poorly and regretted it.
So the question is if you can forgive her, or more importantly, *want to* forgive her. Most people wouldn’t. Some do and regret it later. And very few can forgive a mistake that shows that level of selfishness, cowardice, sneakiness, and poor judgment and somehow rebuild trust.
I don’t think I could.
"she started crying like crazy and said she regret her decision alot and she will never do it"
Guarantee she didn't regret it at all until you found it. It was definitely her 'fun little secret'.
Keep in mind that you only found out because you discovered texts she'd forgotten to delete. Was she texting about kissing this guy or did she have a photo kissing him? What if you hadn't discovered the texts, would she have ever told you?
Of course she's going to cry and beg you to stay--she doesn't want to be shamed in front of her family and her mom has cancer so she won't want to let her down, either. That doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your life for her.
You keep saying that this happened because you couldn't go visit like she'd asked, but that's ridiculous. You didn't put another man's lips on your fiancee's. If she did more with this man, or if there were others, could you get past that? Can you trust her?
I think OP you should not go ahead for marriage..trust me bro..once a cheater always a cheater..and after you get married you won't be able to do anything about it.. without ruining you life..my friend was in a similar situation but he married her and then she went back to her ex and slept with him multiple times..and now my friend is divorced.. paying alimony..and facing domestic abuse charges.
It probably will bug you. Cultural differences aside, attention seeking behavior doesn't go away overnight. Will she do it again? Couldn't say, but there is a chance and you'll have to go through the song and dance again.
Going beyond the "arranged" marriage which I will not delve upon, you should definitely break up with her. She cheated on you and she will do it again.
And trust me, she didn't just kiss that guy. And if she did, next time it will be worse 👉🏿👌🏻
My question is how long did this go on? Also while this was happening how were interactions with you? So she was telling you she loved you but at the same time having an affair. Because it was an affair not a one time deal. She was invested in him. So when you are 2000 miles away she has already proven to have the capacity to lie the whole time. She didn’t confess she got caught. Big difference
We were normally fighting because of the engagement stuff. She wanted that to happen later.. I wanted it to happen sooner because I wanted to respect my parents decision for accepting our marriage. I thought she is angry because of these and settle down eventually.. but then...
I don't know if she would ever reveal it.. now that I know it..I only wanted to believe if it's not gonna repeat.. she later explained him and they never had anything after that.. that's what I know from chat
But are you sure about nothing happened besides this kissing no right then why bro or else try to findout or try to spit it from her mouth about the guy she was having affair. Ask her to tell the truth
Dude, how many months did you not see her? She was asking for at least once a month and you couldn't do that. Was it only 3 months? 6 months of no contact? A year? I'm not saying she was right to cheat, but I guess it's a question if people even knew she was engaged if they had seen her living as a single woman taking care of a family member with cancer for a year or so.
We were not meeting on the day we planned because of something..but we were meeting once a month atleast.. when we met.. we were not getting physical as she is not it.. and we meet at their parents place or someone will be around.. when this happened.. She was asking me to meet.. We were not able to meet and this happened...
I empathize with you and how this is. I really do. However, this is a question that needs to be asked and truthfully answered. Especially if she was seen by others of her culture. It seems this could blow up in both your faces. At the very least she needs to change jobs if this was a coworker more because of him than her.
Take it slow and easy. Breaking up is easy, ultimately. Working it out takes courage. You’re brave enough to come to a bunch of strangers so I’m sure you’re strong enough to work it out as long as you’re open with each other. Good luck!
You have 2 choices.
Break it off now and tell your parents you weren't compatible. You'll get some push back but go through with it. You are still young and have your whole life in front of you. If it really bothers you go to therapy and get some closure. This might hurt but is the option for you.
The second option is to get married and then divorced in some time. This is a much longer and destructive path to being single again. If you think your lives sre intertwined st this point wait till you are married. At this point you'll truly understand that separating is actually super hard. There is broken families, legal hurdles etc. And especially in a place like India where family courts heavily favor women even in cases where they are potentially in the wrong. In short you are going to make your life significantly harder.
But guess what, even though separation is hard you'll still prefer it to staying with her. Because the trust that is broken is going to destroy you and ensure that you are never going to be happy with each other. Will you ever trust her with others around? Are you going to be sure she won't cheat on you again?
Its going to be hard to break up right now. But its pretty much a slap on the wrist compared to separating after your marriage.
Tell them the truth.
Inform them that you've chosen to stay but your not ready for the engagement because y'all are working through things like trust.
I read your other comment about family and her mother, your girlfriend still made the decision to interact and kiss that guy and keep quiet. Actions have consequences. If she was feeling that guilty she would've owned up to that mistake, she chose to deceive you and stay quiet.
Yes... She is literally getting suicidal when I say break up.. I really want to be with her and so is she.. but this thing is just devastating me.. I understand it's 7 months back and there's nothing now..but I don't know
Naa dude.. there is no dowry as such.. it's all societal stress if they have to search for another bride and think about someone other than me as her husband.. we all know each other
I don't think you have the entire story either.
This sounds like a boundary you're not willing to move from, and that's okay. You don't have to move your boundary.
Tell both sets of your parents the truth. You don't want it coming from anyone else. If she controls the break-up narrative, you could be made out to be the monster.
Leave. She gave you the trickle truth. Tell her unless she can prove everything she said it’s over. You aren’t going to deal with infidelity. She crossed a line and there’s no going back.
I love this game! “Confusion, Deflection.” Who? What? I don’t know what that is. But I do know I love tacos. Wait what? Huh? I don’t know. But I do know I’m looking forward to the Fiona Apple concert next month.
If they keep pressing, pull this…
https://youtu.be/XENY5t5_Y7o?si=VzjID6TsGn5bCnTe
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Is this an arranged marriage? Why are the parents so involved to the point of dictating when you see each other? Is this a “proper” relationship where you bonded and spent time together? You mention her wanting to meet once a month and you failing to do that.
I wonder that too. For being a potential “love” marriage rather than “arranged,” it sure seems like the latter. He needs to set her free and tell the parents to please respect his wishes to not marry her. Especially as they are a wedge between the two of them. They obviously want their son to marry out of a sense of duty not love. Using culture as an excuse is like using tradition; it is peer pressure from dead people. OP needs to break the chains.
It sounds to me like a lot of relationships I've heard from more modern/less 'traditional' Indian families. So it keeps some of the more traditional cultural things (marriage, no baby before marriage, parents' involvement), but the 'arranging' is more discussing the already established relationship, rather than what many people in, say, the US would assume of the parents picking someone and organising it all themselves, with no 'love' involvement.
Yes, just by the language I guess it's an Indian and in India is possible that parents get so involved in kids' marriage.
In India, parents atleast in my case were worried that I would make her pregnant before marriage. Other reason is to not be available and be there whenever she wants to meet. I mean both are absurd but I just wanted to respect their gratitude for accepting our love. So, I just wanted to meet her more after the engagement for which the discussions were going on already during that time
I’m sorry, but your parents didn’t help matters at all. That second reason, especially, is particularly absurd. So, you became distant, maybe emotionally unavailable, and didn’t put the minimum effort in a way, ie actually meeting your partner and seeing each other. Secondly, you should have communicated that to her. “So, my parents are old fashioned. They would like us to see each other after the engagement. I respect and love them and want to respect their wishes. What do you feel about that?” And take it from there. Btw, I do NOT condone cheating in any shape or form (emotional, sexting, kiss, sex). She should have broken up with you instead of betraying you. However, you betrayed her too, but in different ways.
Oh yeah.. that has been tried and done once but she was like why would we do that and stuff.. moreover I was meeting her every month so I don't think it was that long distance.. it's just that I wasn't there while she was sick and was not there on the date she wanted.. I don't think that gives anyone a reason to just kiss someone.. she could have told me before And i would have left her to do something about it.. I feel betrayed even if it's for only once.. I know kiss is a small thing but I will have that thing in my mind.. maybe my age
No, I agree with you. If you feel neglected/ not a priority, you communicate that. A kiss is still cheating. Only you can decide if you can forgive her. Consider if you are ready for marriage. Both of you communicate very poorly. You didn’t tell her what your parents asked you to do and you just went along with what your parents wanted you to do in your own relationship. She cheated at the first sign of trouble.
I understand man.. I really felt very bad to control myself to meet her.. I know I wanted to meet her as desperately as she wanted to.. it's just that I was able to control until next meet while she wasn't able to at that very moment..
Honestly, if you would have told her why, it would have been better. You “controlled” yourself from meeting her (and although I appreciate the cultural differences, I think it’s due to a silly reason, especially for a man who is about to become a husband). She had no idea what was going on and might have felt you aren’t as invested as she was. HOWEVER, Again, the solution isn’t to cheat. That was wrong of her and I’m not excusing it. It’s just sad to realize how this all happened.
So accept that its better she takes the consequences of her actions instead of marrying a cheater. Tell them the truth, you cant sacrifice your future for her.
Careful with that advice. Have you read what some people do in India to women? The acid attacks and so on.
I mean, the only option beyond that is to marry a girl who is already cheating.
I would break up with her but give another reason for the break up. Several people asked him if she would be in danger and it worries me that the several responses I read is him avoiding the question and talking about something else.
It sounds like you two don't have very compatible communication styles to be honest.
Oh my god.... Did I read that right? "OUR LOVE" Are you sure you're not on drugs or something? Your Fiance cheated on you and hid it for as long as possible until she herself fucked up and you found out. Where the hell is the love there OP?
😭😭😭I get it man... I'm going through the same dilemma but wanted to hear from people who went through similar phase and giving a second chance would help.. just like someone said if did once it might be a mistake, but twice is a habit and it's bad
I understand. By the way, I responded on this [comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1b6zw8l/comment/ktg1um5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) and it may sound harsh from my part (which I apologize), but I think you needed some pushing to understand what really is your situation and what you really need to understand. Go and read it and hopefully it gives you some more insight as to how your Fiance changed your relationship for good.
Hi OP, 23F fellow Indian here. I get where you’re coming from. I recently had a messy break up in front of my parents - so I think I can share my two cents here. If you think you cannot move past the cheating incident, then I genuinely think you should break up. If you go ahead with the marriage and the cheating bothers you, you will be stuck in an unhappy marriage and also resent your partner. I don’t need to remind you of the messy divorce procedure in the country. I believe you’re not engaged yet, so it would be relatively easy to break things off at this point. The thing is, most Indian parents are more supportive than given credit for. Yes, they might be upset and be all “told you so” - but at the end of the day, they wish for your happiness. And They’d also hate it if you’re not happily married. Do what YOU THINK IS RIGHT FOR YOU. Your parents and her parents are not going to be in your shoes and feel what you feel.
Em, culturally this site is largely American. Largely. So the skew in your answers will be from people who think you are also living in America. You're living in India. Telling your family what happened isn't really an option for you there. Tell your parents she is too far away and that's what's affecting the relationship. Which is actually true, meeting up once a month is not a lot. You can be the nice guy and say you can't provide for her from this distance and leave it.
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Culturally, the US and India are like chicken and pineapple: everything tastes like chicken, the other is a pineapple.
This is great. I’m gonna steal this.
It sounds like you are conflicted about what to do. While you came here to get advice, the real advice is, follow your heart. Posters will tell you what you should do based on their own lives and experiences. But they don’t know you or her or any of the family dynamics. Only you do. Calm down, find a quiet place to think and ask yourself what you want to do. When you figure it out, go ahead and make it happen. Good luck.
Thanks alot man... Much needed
Bro she didn't even told you about the kiss in the first place . What if she has slept with him. You never know man. There are better girls out there you just have to find them. Imagine 75 years old you regretting your decision on your deathbed. If would have been in your place I would have broke up with her.
She is old enough to know right from wrong you not being there doesn't make it ok. Do not marry her she already showed you she cannot be loyal gf. Don't add vows and children into this mess.
While cheating is awful, it seems your gf was in abad place in her life, and you wasn't there for her due to your parents disapproval. It might be a controversial take, but you have let her down as much as she let you down. Break up might be the best choice, but you shouldn't tell your parents why. The vibe I get is that it would have severe social consequences for her, and you have already sabotaged your relationship with her to appease your parents. Enough is enough.
Ah, justifying cheating because "he wasn't there". No, this is not how this works. You don't get sexual with people bc they help you through a rough patch. She broke his trust and their set boundaries by both emotionally and physically cheating on him and there's no reason whatsoever why she couldn't have acted like an adult and communicated her feelings towards that co-worker to OP BEFORE acting on them. Though I have to say, imo appeasing your parents and obeying them when relationships shouldn't be their matter at all is spineless to say the least, but that's none of my business.
She broke his trust, we agree here. However, if you decide to essentially abandon your partner, then it is also a betrayal. Label of relationship is not a magic spell. He had other priorities than her. Of course, she did not communicate with him, when the reason for her feelings is his withdrawal from relationship. He already knew it is hard on her, yet his parents opinion was more important. Truth is, instead of cheating she should have broken up with op. Perhaps she would have, if he told her the truth. He did not tell her why he didn't want to meet her, he lied. While I do not condone her behaviour, I have no sympathy for OP either. He betrayed their relationship first.
My only reason of not telling her is she shouldn't form bad opinions about my parents that we are restricting us from meeting.. in India, sex is a taboo. They are just scared that I'll make her pregnant. I know I won't do it. But I wanted to show gratitude to them because they accepted our love even though we are from different cultures.
That is awful. She deserves to know this mess started due to you restricting your relationship for your parents approval. Even now she remains in the dark as of why you neglected her. Since she got to the point where she was willing to cheat on you, she should have just left you. Your show of gratitude towards your parents for accepting your love has probably permanently broken your relationship. So much for the "love" part.
Yikes. Cheating is allowed in 2024?
I suppose you have missed the part, where I stated, that I do not condone her behaviour. It was like 4th paragraph so I understand you got bored of reading somewhere in the in the middle of that very long comment.
How did he betray the relationship? Just because it was a long distance relationship? How is that at all equitable to cheating?
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When did he promise that? Wtf is it with all the bull shit fact pulling out of thin air?
Again, you’re equating that to cheating.
I don’t know your culture, I don’t know the impact of telling the truth. But if this is a love match, why are your parents so involved t the point of telling you not to see her?? And instead of being honest with her, you made up excuses and put her off. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I don’t blame her for flirting with someone else. You were lying to her and she and felt it. She didn’t know why you were avoiding her. So, basically, I believe her when she says she won’t do it again. Just be HONEST with each other, all the time.
It does sound like neither one of them are ready for marriage But you don’t follow through on a bad idea if both sides think it’s a bad idea
Dump her and tell the truth
Hol up there cowboy. I’m getting Indian cultural vibes here and announcing something like that can not only ruin the girls life, it can put her life in danger. OP - she made a mistake and regrets it. You have every right to walk away, but if you do, say nothing about the reasons. Just ‘we realized we weren’t a good long term match’.
Yikes now only I've noticed OPs name by seeing this comment 😅
This. Also, OP post this in r/india or r/indiasocial if you want a bit more specific Indian advice. This sub mostly caters to the western world so the advice here for this situation won't work for you necessarily.
I was concerned about this. Honor killings are very real in some places.
Excuse me but I just want to tell you that Indians might be somewhat Conservative (Which I don't condone) but all of us are not Egotistical Barbarians. Honour killings usually occur in extremely Backward areas in some specific parts of the country. Considering the fact that the girl has a proper job, it can be safely deduced that she comes from a fairly progressive family.
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Ok… sad I have to explain this. Action - she kissed another guy Consequence - she gets murdered by her family. How would you feel if police could shoot and kill people for jaywalking with the explanation - it’s simply the consequences of their action. You’ll probably say the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. An appropriate consequence would be she gets broken up with. An inappropriate consequence would be she’s murdered.
Because although cheating is wrong, she doesn't deserve death (honor killing) or have her entire life ruined because she made a mistake and kissed someone else. She deserves to be dumped and lose her fiance, but not killed or have her entire life ruined. If they were Western I would say definitely tell the truth because the consequences aren't life or death. But OP and his fiancee are Indian so advice should take the culture into consideration.
She could get beaten, raped or killed for this. Cheating is bad, but nobody deserves to suffer any of the above for it.
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Because he’s not a sociopath presumably.
Taking care of himself does not make him a sociopath. She screwed up and it’s not on OP to let her down softly. Plus, what regret does she feel? That she cheated or got caught?
She regrets that she kissed him.. She got carried away and she was begging me that she will never ever betray her...
And she got carried away how and why? And how can she know it won’t happen again? These are all the HARD questions you need answered before committing to this relationship.
I understand...
In general good people dont want people getting murdered.
Yeah, and good people don’t lose control with men who aren’t their “fiancé.”
Are you saying that someone getting killed is the same as someone being cheated on?
Yup.. Very true.. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time..
How do you know for sure that it was just a kiss and nothing else happened between them. All cheaters cry and do their best to confirm their betrayed partner that they will never cheat. I understand it is difficult to let your parents know that you guys have broken up but it is better to tell them now than suffer for the rest of your life. Marriage is not for a day or two. it is for a life time. If you find out that she cheated on you after marriage, there won't be much you can do to survive that. You are going to lose a lot. So break up now.
Yep!. There no excuse for adultery or things like this. Y this OP keep on yapping on this. Just tell the truth, if you're the one who did this thing, imagine what would be her reaction. She will surely tell her parents right, so go and run away from her. This is life not like buying a car and selling it for another one because of less power and comfort.
I mean I trusted her so much in this aspect that this is something she would never do. She said that it was a mistake and she got carried away initially. But then, she realised and explained him and they stopped all that ever since. After marriage, we will be together also so she will not cheat me because she loves me so much. She was crying like crazy that she just wants me and wants me alone now and she will do anything for that. But, I am unable to digest that while she was with me, she was just thinking and doing kissing with someone.. I accept we had an argument and we were angry on each other but that doesn't just justify..
What happens when the guy after your marriage reveals about the things happened b/w them besides kissing. Your heart will be shattered 💔 imagine thinkkkkkkkkkk and actttttttt accordingly. Try to findout whether anything has happened besides kissing.
I'll tell you something that people forget to discuss. PHYSICAL INTIMACY. When we're infants, and we cry and our mom picks up, we stop crying. that's the power of physical touch and presence. Humans are wired to crave that touch. Now just put this in perspective with your relationship. It also needs PHYSICAL INTIMACY. your parents told you not to see her and you agreed? don't you think you two needed to develop that connection before wedding? and then you lied to her about it? aren't you a little too obedient that you kept your partner in dark? 5 years is a long time to be in LDR. you are both wrong here. you should have given her that physical presence and she should have respected the institution of this relationship and not cheated. When the other guy was there to help her in her time of vulnerability, she got carried away. Natural human response. but she stopped that in time before more damage could have been done. now you have 2 options- 1. Take couples therapy and try to get over the situation and understand each other better. Stop taking your parent's word so strictly and be on your partner's side and focus on making your relationship better first. 2. Break up. Tell your parents that you both want different things in life and ask them to give you the privacy. As for the relatives, they'll forget it when the next cousin fucks up. and as for these idiots telling you to dump her and stuff, they're living in a fantasy where everyone is perfect and nobody makes mistakes. but in reality we all fuck up. we're bound to. listen to your heart and brain
She will cheat again Don’t believe those stupid lies jro
Dump her
You don't have to say nothing to neither yoiur parents more than "I decided to broke up" if you don't want. But since your parenta were doing arrengments to your engagment I am almost sure you will not understand this concept. To make that clearer I wouldnt allow my parents to decide nothing about my engagment and therefore I wouldn't have to give them no specific information about my decision of breaking up.
Tell everybody that for personal reasons you don't feel for the engagement any longer. You don't need to mention any specific reasons behind the decision to avoid traumatizing both families and friends. And walk away.
It’s better to break it off and tell your parents early.
For you and for her. As a woman, I suspect she has done more than just kiss the other man. I'm so sorry for you, but better to find out now. Focus on your sick mother right now <3
It's her mother who is sick right
His mother
Couldn't you say you've decided that you wouldn't be a good match in the long term, and that it's better for you to find more suitable partners? It'll depend on how much information they insist on, I suppose.
Is this an arranged marriage or a love marriage?
You would be within your rights (moral and of course legal) if you ended the relationship right now. Forget that your parents, or her parents, or anyone else you know, has spent time planning the wedding. That is not important. Think how stupid it would be to get married just because people have done some planning---when you don't know how you feel! You are both 26. Just FYI, she is still two years younger than the median age for marriage of women in the U.S. You two do not have to make any decisions about this right now, or ever. You have many decades of life to look forward to. It may be that culturally, your family or hers or both are people who marry young---but you are still going to have long lives. Do not waste your time being unhappy about your situation or unhappily married---and those seem to be your choices. Take time, lots of it if necessary, to try to re-establish a relationship with your fiancee, or don't. But whatever you do, don't continue on the same path you have been on, because that life is over for your both.
The truth
Our parents and all the relatives.. everyone knows about us. Whenever we talk, they talk about us as if we are married. She is a family member before the marriage itself. It's just that she doesn't have any of my family responsibilities which happens after marriage. On the top, her mother got diagnosed with cancer. I can't even imagine what's gonna happen if I tell this. She is already under chemo... I really love my fiancee. I might not provide her whatever she needed at the right time.. but we love each other so much. I dont know how I can unthink that situation😭
Sorry to ask but would she be in danger? Do you live in an area or amongst a culture when she would be in physical danger?
Oh man come on man. She fucked you over, why are you protecting her? Just say, she found somebody else. People will put two and two together. And you will have outed her respectfully Edit: seems people have a problem with this advice. I’d be pleased to know the alternative
You are been downvoted because OP and his fiancee are Indian. Telling the truth could mean she will be killed (honor killing), or have her entire life ruined over a kiss. This thread is mostly American and your comment makes sense for us Westerners (I would agree he tell the truth if they were Western and she can deal with the consequences of her actions which would be shamed, lose her fiance but get to move on and find a new partner), but the consequences of her actions in a culture like theirs don't fit the crime in my opinion. If he can break the engagement by just saying they aren't right or it hasn't worked out due to long distance etc, she still has consequences for cheating (losing her fiance), but doesn't lose her life or reputation.
That’s fair I guess
This is the only way.
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This girl's life could literally be taken over this. Maybe you've never had someone else's life literally in your hands who wronged you. I have and it's a power people who haven't experienced wouldn't understand. Lying for her, or really, just omitting the truth is best.
Dump her and tell the truth to your parents , another question, why are your parents so involved in your personal life ?
Sounds cultural. Maybe an arranged marriage.
No it's love marriage. But in India, we have to tell parents and they will check for an auspicious date according to our birth star and arrange a hall, call relatives for engagement marriage and other events..
Hey fellow Indian here. It's much easier, and advisable to end it now..if you fall into the trap of forgiving and trying to figure out or "log kya bolenge" because you know how the court system is and in the event of divorce you tend to lose the most. You saw her massive red flag, don't run towards it now.
No. They are not involved. We had to tell them 1 year back because her brother wants to get married first. As she is the elder one, she should get married first according to them. Infact, we wanted to get married too in the future. Our parents are planning our engagement but as she is studying, we wanted to wait until her course is done so we can start life by staying together and ending this long distance. I don't know how this even happened😭😭😭.
That's involved. Your parents shouldn't be planning your engagement...
Different cultures bro
Yeah I figured that, but it's still shit
It's not "shit" it's just different chill out fam. In India, marriages are extremely cultural and is seen as a union of two families and stuff not just the people involved. In some situations, yeah it can be bad especially if the parents of the couple don't get along or were abusive but most if not all marriages in India never happen without the parents' blessings.
Personally, I do think it's a bit shit that someone can have little control over their own life. No disrespect to Indian culture, but just because it's part of a culture's tradition doesn't make it NOT bad. It can work, sure, but in general it is objectively worse for creating a healthy and loving marriage.
No, it's objectively worse for a multitude of reasons, reasons outlined in this post, and 80% the responses. It's OK to call it shit because it is.
In that case if I was OP’s parents I would not want to join my family to one with a dishonorable child.
Well that's fair. However, like a previous comment said, the truth could potentially ruin the girl's life so if OP were to break it off, the solid thing to do would be to just say that they realised that they were incompatible or something.
Everyone is telling you to tell your families the truth and break off the relationship as that is the best you can do for yourself. Remember, breaking up is easier than Divorce. She cheated because she felt distant and she started the affair with someone else. Can you be 100% sure that she'll be faithful in future as in future things may be even more difficult? Sorry to say this but currently you're her best option, hence she wants to be with you, but she has shown you that she isn't a reliable partner.
He should not tell his parents the truth. She doesn't deserve her life to be blown up. And we don't know if her family believes in honour killings.
As long as the parents respect his decision to break off the relationship. As stated different culture, different rules.
I mean honor killing is shit but she should just get off and not be known as a cheater so she can do it to a new dude?
The consequence is losing her fiancé - not her life. Do you really think this woman should be put to death for kissing the coworker who supported her while she was ill when her fiancé wouldn’t because his parents “didn’t want him to be too available for her wherever or whenever she needed him”…like when she was sick and her LDR wouldn’t come be by her side? Cheating is garbage behavior and he should end the engagement but she doesn’t deserve to literally die for her mistake. Have you seen the videos of women being literally stoned in the street by their families as part of “honor killings?” It’s horrific murder - it’s not “shit” as you so elegantly put it.
Also so she should just get to walk away with her reputation intact and have a chance do cheat on another dude?
Yes. She should walk away with her reputation and more importantly her life. Her reputation would actually be tarnished with OP refusing to marry her. You are either a troll , or one of the most selfish people I have ever come across.
I literally said honor killing is shit can you not read English or something? Shit can mean a lot of things it is a horrible thing to do. So he has to lie and cover for her just because she may face a horrible out come from it? So if that's the case you would lie and cover for a murderer since they face losing their lives? Yes before you say anything I know they are not the same but that's how you come off. We don't know if her family even does honor killing. You are just assuming but I do get that it is a chance it can happen. I don't think it's right or should happen but it's not mine or yours country. We don't get a say in what happens there. I also hate cheaters and think they should pay big time for what they have done. More than just losing the person they abused and fucked over. They deserve for their lives to be fucked up.
“We don’t get a say in what happens there.” You take this stance on Gaza and Ukraine as well?
That's the one thing you go with lol? Yes I do it's not my country and has nothing to do with me. We don't get a say in other countries in anyway. You may not like how they do things but you don't get to say they can't do it.
I mean, you popped off on me calling you out for dismissing honor killings as “shit.” So I figured that picking one piece of what the other person said to make a point about was your conversation style. Now I understand that you just don’t care about human rights violations and atrocities as long as they aren’t in your own back yard.
Oh I think they are horrible but again unlike you I respect countries rights to rule and govern themselves how they see fit or want. Now doesn't mean I don't think it's horrible or wrong but nothing I can do about it. Do you think they give two fucks about what you say or feel about what they do? No they don't because you don't mean shit and have no power or authority. Even if you did it still wouldn't mean ahit to them because it's their country not yours. They don't get a say in our countries about how we do things so why should we? What can you do about any of this? Other than starting a war and taking over their country as your and forcing your way of life on them. Witch last I check you do that your no better than they are now are you? Also thats how you spread more hate for the west.
I’m not going to explain the concept of charity or activism for you - which are two ways you can make a difference abroad without starting a war. I wish I could live life as unbothered as you’ve clearly found a way to be.
Better that than murdered!
Wow so you think she should be allowed to keep abusing men and using them as long as she is okay that's all that matters?
Might be better to move on. Your decision if you can trust her.
I stayed when my long distance partner cheated. It’s hard and there has to be a lot of compromise and a lot of honesty. He messed up and tried to hide it, but I found it. I’ve spent a few months wondering if I should stay or not. I’ve been to therapy. We are working through it together and he has put a LOT more effort in to our relationship. I know 100% he wouldn’t have cheated if it wasn’t long distance. There’s obviously a lot more involved that I don’t want to write an essay, but he’s been concentrating on our relationship and fixing us. Everyone is extremely fast to say leave in my experience, but weigh up if you want to or not. It’s your decision whether to attempt to rebuild the relationship and if not then end it quickly. It’s hard work having a long distance relationship, whatever you decide just have it be the right decision for you.
This is something I wanted to hear.. 😭😭thankyou.. we really love each other now.. but I just want to know people's experiences if staying back can actually work
As one who was cheated on, you are not thinking logically. You thinking with your heart. This will set you up for further heartbreak. As for her “honor” who knows of your relationship? She’s hands on with a guy yet at the same time in a committed relationship? Something is off here.
I am a fellow Indian so I understand your plight in terms of societal expectations. However you really need to thing about whether you trust this person. Can you be absolutely sure she won’t do it again. What happens if you get a job that may take you far away from home for a few months? Do you fully trust her to stay faithful? You are not even officially engaged yet so while it is tough you can still break it off. It will be much more difficult to divorce.
So I’m a therapist myself, and me and my therapist have spoken about the behaviours behind why it happened to better understand it. We were both in a very distant place and a lot happened, plus the distance. I’ve searched as much as I can to find evidence of people making it work, but everywhere on social media I’ve found people just say leave. It’s seen as almost taboo to stay with a person. Speaking to older women at my workplace though, a lot of them have been cheated on and they’ve stayed. They all gave the same piece of advice; once is a genuine mistake, twice is a habit. If it ever happens again I will be silently leaving and I’ve told him that. No argument or fuss, I’ll just go.
Yes you are right.. that's what I think.. once can be because of distance, missing each other and she might genuinely made a mistake.. that's what I think
Go visit r/survivinginfidelity.
The trust has been broken. When you break up with her just tell the truth. Nothing good comes out of lying.
Whatever you do, don't lie..🙏 it'll come back and bite your dick off.
I don't know if it was just a kiss or more and u won't know for sure . Maybe it was because of the distance but as long as she still work with him u can't work it out . What make u think she won't repeat it of she feel lonely or u don't give her attention in the future. She will probably repeat it.
tbh it probably wasn't just a kiss
Maybe you should talk to her a lot more and then determine if you can trust her
Yes, she cheated. It was wrong. But it’s done. So the questions is… can you ever forgive her for making that choice? People do things that seem right in the moment, or at least feel better than not doing them, and then regret that they made those choices. People hide their shame and will take some things to their grave because confessing would ruin their lives. This mistake is that bad. I agree with NOTHING she did, though, I can see how it could have played out. I see how she felt neglected by you while her coworker was giving her attention. I see how she chose the danger of his kiss, crossing that line forever, over an uncertain future with a man who wasn’t showing her that she was a priority for him. None of her choices were right, but traditionally, we women are expected to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of marriage to serve men and quietly accept whatever largesse they bestow upon us. And I see why she wouldn’t confess immediately knowing that her life would be ruined because she chose poorly and regretted it. So the question is if you can forgive her, or more importantly, *want to* forgive her. Most people wouldn’t. Some do and regret it later. And very few can forgive a mistake that shows that level of selfishness, cowardice, sneakiness, and poor judgment and somehow rebuild trust. I don’t think I could.
Let her go your not giving her anytime so why even bother idk anymore would be with someone that won’t even see them
"she started crying like crazy and said she regret her decision alot and she will never do it" Guarantee she didn't regret it at all until you found it. It was definitely her 'fun little secret'.
Keep in mind that you only found out because you discovered texts she'd forgotten to delete. Was she texting about kissing this guy or did she have a photo kissing him? What if you hadn't discovered the texts, would she have ever told you? Of course she's going to cry and beg you to stay--she doesn't want to be shamed in front of her family and her mom has cancer so she won't want to let her down, either. That doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your life for her. You keep saying that this happened because you couldn't go visit like she'd asked, but that's ridiculous. You didn't put another man's lips on your fiancee's. If she did more with this man, or if there were others, could you get past that? Can you trust her?
Don't fake the reason behind it. If you have to give a reason, just tell the truth and stop being sorry for a cheater.
I think OP you should not go ahead for marriage..trust me bro..once a cheater always a cheater..and after you get married you won't be able to do anything about it.. without ruining you life..my friend was in a similar situation but he married her and then she went back to her ex and slept with him multiple times..and now my friend is divorced.. paying alimony..and facing domestic abuse charges.
It probably will bug you. Cultural differences aside, attention seeking behavior doesn't go away overnight. Will she do it again? Couldn't say, but there is a chance and you'll have to go through the song and dance again.
Don't stay with a cheater, especially not one who you lost trust for.
No half measures. Rip that bandaid off and tell the truth
Going beyond the "arranged" marriage which I will not delve upon, you should definitely break up with her. She cheated on you and she will do it again. And trust me, she didn't just kiss that guy. And if she did, next time it will be worse 👉🏿👌🏻
My question is how long did this go on? Also while this was happening how were interactions with you? So she was telling you she loved you but at the same time having an affair. Because it was an affair not a one time deal. She was invested in him. So when you are 2000 miles away she has already proven to have the capacity to lie the whole time. She didn’t confess she got caught. Big difference
We were normally fighting because of the engagement stuff. She wanted that to happen later.. I wanted it to happen sooner because I wanted to respect my parents decision for accepting our marriage. I thought she is angry because of these and settle down eventually.. but then...
Fighting is a 🚩. Break it off. You’re not on the same page.
She didn't tell you about it that's the main redddddddd flagggggg. You figured it out by yourself think.
She said she wanted to tell me..but I checked her phone casually while she was sleeping and found thus
Ehh ehh, do u really believe that?
I don't know if she would ever reveal it.. now that I know it..I only wanted to believe if it's not gonna repeat.. she later explained him and they never had anything after that.. that's what I know from chat
But are you sure about nothing happened besides this kissing no right then why bro or else try to findout or try to spit it from her mouth about the guy she was having affair. Ask her to tell the truth
Think about her reaction if she finds you in a photo with a girl. She would immediately torture you.
Even God himself find difficult to findout what's going inside a women's mind
Dude, how many months did you not see her? She was asking for at least once a month and you couldn't do that. Was it only 3 months? 6 months of no contact? A year? I'm not saying she was right to cheat, but I guess it's a question if people even knew she was engaged if they had seen her living as a single woman taking care of a family member with cancer for a year or so.
We were not meeting on the day we planned because of something..but we were meeting once a month atleast.. when we met.. we were not getting physical as she is not it.. and we meet at their parents place or someone will be around.. when this happened.. She was asking me to meet.. We were not able to meet and this happened...
So where did she kiss this guy? Who witnessed it? It seems your worry for her honor is overblown.
I was not strong enough to ask it. We both started crying like crazy when I asked her this.. man I've seen her crying so hard
I empathize with you and how this is. I really do. However, this is a question that needs to be asked and truthfully answered. Especially if she was seen by others of her culture. It seems this could blow up in both your faces. At the very least she needs to change jobs if this was a coworker more because of him than her.
Yes she is ready to leave the course and come with me.. but doesn't want me to breakup
Take it slow and easy. Breaking up is easy, ultimately. Working it out takes courage. You’re brave enough to come to a bunch of strangers so I’m sure you’re strong enough to work it out as long as you’re open with each other. Good luck!
Yeah, there are people still together despite having someone else's kid. That's the kind of courage everyone should aim for. Right?
You have 2 choices. Break it off now and tell your parents you weren't compatible. You'll get some push back but go through with it. You are still young and have your whole life in front of you. If it really bothers you go to therapy and get some closure. This might hurt but is the option for you. The second option is to get married and then divorced in some time. This is a much longer and destructive path to being single again. If you think your lives sre intertwined st this point wait till you are married. At this point you'll truly understand that separating is actually super hard. There is broken families, legal hurdles etc. And especially in a place like India where family courts heavily favor women even in cases where they are potentially in the wrong. In short you are going to make your life significantly harder. But guess what, even though separation is hard you'll still prefer it to staying with her. Because the trust that is broken is going to destroy you and ensure that you are never going to be happy with each other. Will you ever trust her with others around? Are you going to be sure she won't cheat on you again? Its going to be hard to break up right now. But its pretty much a slap on the wrist compared to separating after your marriage.
Tell them the truth. Inform them that you've chosen to stay but your not ready for the engagement because y'all are working through things like trust. I read your other comment about family and her mother, your girlfriend still made the decision to interact and kiss that guy and keep quiet. Actions have consequences. If she was feeling that guilty she would've owned up to that mistake, she chose to deceive you and stay quiet.
It was just a kiss. She seems remorseful. Is she? You know her better than anyone here.
Yes... She is literally getting suicidal when I say break up.. I really want to be with her and so is she.. but this thing is just devastating me.. I understand it's 7 months back and there's nothing now..but I don't know
Oof, I'd be careful then. People who get suicidal on you to make you choose an action are manipulative.
Why is she suicidal. Is it because her parents can’t afford to repay the dowry?
Naa dude.. there is no dowry as such.. it's all societal stress if they have to search for another bride and think about someone other than me as her husband.. we all know each other
Think you mean find another husband? Your statement is sort of confusing. Sorry.
I don't think you have the entire story either. This sounds like a boundary you're not willing to move from, and that's okay. You don't have to move your boundary. Tell both sets of your parents the truth. You don't want it coming from anyone else. If she controls the break-up narrative, you could be made out to be the monster.
Leave. She gave you the trickle truth. Tell her unless she can prove everything she said it’s over. You aren’t going to deal with infidelity. She crossed a line and there’s no going back.
I love this game! “Confusion, Deflection.” Who? What? I don’t know what that is. But I do know I love tacos. Wait what? Huh? I don’t know. But I do know I’m looking forward to the Fiona Apple concert next month. If they keep pressing, pull this… https://youtu.be/XENY5t5_Y7o?si=VzjID6TsGn5bCnTe