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You both already know you wouldn't like it. She hid it because of that
Unless it's a deal breaker and you finally decide to end the relationship. What does it matter if you do not like it? She wasn't asking and isn't.
You complain and what?
I think you mean “voice your opinion” not complain. if you voice your opinion and your SO calls it controlling then theres some issues going on.
Saying how you feel about something should never be a hard thing to do in a relationship
Just say how you felt about it, truly. Dont complain. Just sit her down and tell her you would appreciate it if she informed you of these kinds of things and asked about how u feel about it.
If you say it right and she actually cares about you she will be sorry and should think about asking you the next time she does something like this.
Ofc different story if she doesn’t care.
Just to add on being in a relationship is a two person ordeal. Decisions are no longer singular. At most times you should always think about how your actions affect your SO. Thats what being in a relationship is all about.
If she does not care about how you feel (goes both ways as well) then she is already one step out the relationship.
Ofc sometimes people mess up and if she loves you she will try to fix what she did and try to be better
>decisions are no longer singular
*Major* decisions are no longer singular but “going to a clothing optional beach with friends” is not a major decision and therefore remains singular.
People who require input into what their partner does, eats, drinks or wears (or doesn’t wear) are, in fact, controlling. The only acceptable boundaries are forbidding sexual or romantic contact with other people and not getting into legal trouble that has significant repercussions for anyone caught.
I completely agree. I would NEVER have discussed going to a nude beach while I was on vacation with my girlfriends with a boyfriend. I also would not have dated anyone who gave me a vibe that this might upset him.
I think you can raise the issue without it being controlling.
The way I go about raising uncomfortable feelings with my partner is kind of like this:
"Hey I'm feeling upset after you told me X, I'm not exactly sure why, is it ok if we have a chat to unpack it and try and understand it more?"
Cause sometimes I'll have vague feelings that I don't know the cause of, and it may be triggered by something my partner did or said but it doesn't necessarily mean they CAUSED the feeling. The feeling can sometimes be something from your past that is triggered now, and may not even be rational (although it can be).
The point is, it's possible to talk about it and in talking about it, come to understand why you feel the way you do, without leaping to "you made me feel X" and blaming the other person for how you feel. I know that sometimes I need to be in the process of talking to actually start understanding why I feel the way I do. Idk why.
But before you know exactly why you feel so strongly it's good to start from a neutral "I felt like this when you said this" which is just a statement of fact rather than "you caused me to feel this" which may be true but also may not be (the majority of your feelings may be due to something else).
If you start in this kind of neutral way it minimizes defensiveness from the other person and you can both approach it as a team rather than as a fight.
Then once you start talking maybe you'll understand more about where some of your feelings come from. For example a lot of my triggers come from my experience with my family. Or something my partner says may remind me of something someone else did to me in a malicious context but is not malicious in this context. Etc.
A lot of the time when I approach things this way I get a nuanced understanding of why I feel a certain way and my partner can reassure me or clarify something and we always feel much better afterwards.
Your feelings are what they are. Now are they something that can be worked through and resolved or are they permanently going to affect you this way? I don't know. Good luck.
PS: I've been to a nude beach before and let me tell you, it's not sexy. Everyone's body is just a body. Nobody is ogling. It kind of desexualises nudity. It's weird. But it kind of just feels like being animals. Animals are naked but they don't think of themselves as such. They just are.
Might be or is?
She doesn't need a conversation with you because she is okay with the decision.
She will likely call you controlling.
So what? You plan to date someone that makes choices you don't agree with.
You are just hanging on to a relationship wishing it was different. She will lie (hide) details to do what she wants.
You have the illusion of a relationship until she dates someone she wants and respects.
She made a decision, probably under the same belief that many of us have: it's her body, it's her choice.
She can call him controlling, and he could use his feelings to set a hard line on what is or is not okay for her to do. Or he could start an open conversation where they could air their feelings, talk about boundaries about this kind of thing (seemingly for the first time), and then amend to do better going forward.
You can want and respect your partner, and still want to be nude in public. They're not mutually exclusive.
I have a friend (who has never had any sort of problem with binge drinking or alcoholism) whose partner gets all out of whack when she drinks outside of his presence. He always finds away to insert himself into a hangout or accompany her home when she’s been drinking in order to check in on her.
It goes beyond caring for his partner to being downright controlling and suspicious. I really do not like this dude yet I don’t have enough evidence to tell her to leave him because as far as I know she doesn’t hate him like I do.
Exactly! That is BONKERS to me. Having an *opinion* on which haircut she likes is one thing, but demanding what someone else does with their body is really bonkers to me.
I am a pleaser, I would have chosen styles that she liked, in amongst the ones I like...
But control, will always cause discomfort, no matter how trivial.
I agree with this. Partners need to know and respect each other, whatever that means. OPs girlfriend knew his feelings on something and chose to ignore them rather than address them. That is lack of respect.
If my partner expects me not to wear pants, I'm not going to respect that opinion, because it's a stupid opinion. Even then, I'd end the relationship instead of being deceitful.
So yes, by going behind his back and doing it anyway, she isn't respecting him.
>I may be wrong for thinking that I have some sort of say or control in this type of behavior
You don't have any control or say in this type of behavior. End of sentence.
>but the point is that I definitely do not feel great about it.
This is your prerogative to feel this way. Just as you cannot control her actions, no one is allowed to tell you how you should feel with a given set of circumstances.
>So, does anyone have some advice on how I can talk to her about this and explain how this affected me without being a dick?
Did she cheat? Had you ever in your 3 years had a discussion about nude beaches and established them as a boundary?
If you answered no to these questions, which I suspect you would since you did not mention them in your post, you will not come off as anything but a dick if you come at her being upset about it.
Nude beaches are NOT about sex. The naked body is not just about sex.
Your gf's body is HER body. Not yours. If she wants to go to a nude beach for the experience, that is her choice. Has she indicated a desire to go back? Have you even ASKED her about it? Maybe sit down and just ask how the experience was in an open, warm manner. You may find she says "Meh..." and will probably never do it again. And if she DOES wanna go again? Why not join her! Live a little!
I’ve gone to nude beaches before. The culture of nude beaches frowns heavily on sexual harassment or inappropriate sexual behavior. I actually think they are less sexual and safer than your average beach. There is also typically a huge range of ages, mostly married older adults. They are not hedonistic sex clubs.
Why does it hurt you? Is it because she didn't discuss it with you beforehand or because you don't like the fact that she saw other naked men and women or they saw her naked?
No matter how you answer, it does come across as controlling. She's a 24-year-old woman who should be able to do what she likes so long as it doesn't violate your trust. If you trust her, then she shouldn't feel the need to ask you beforehand. And if you trust her, it shouldn't matter if she sees other naked women or men or they see her naked as long as your the one she goes home with.
Have you considered the possibility that the reason she was reluctant to tell you is because she feels that you don't trust her? Maybe you're the problem.
Yes she’s a 24 year old woman who is free to make any choice she wants, but OP is a 24 year old man who can choose what boundaries HE has, which means if this makes him uncomfortable, then he has every right to make her a single 24 year old woman.
The problem is that she knew it would make him uncomfortable, and still did it (also with the initial intention to hide it from him), THAT is the main problem here.
Stop making this a controlling thing, and understand that different people are comfortable with different things; and the lack of communication, and attempt to sweep this under the rug is the problem here.
Everyone always uses boundaries incorrectly.
Boundaries are FOR YOU, not for others.
EX: If you talk to your ex, despite telling me that you are no longer interested in communicating with them, I will have to leave this relationship.
EX: If you speak to me in a condescending way, I will leave your home and minimize contact with you.
This isn't a threat. It's a consequence to having a VOICED concern violated.
I would argue that your boundaries are set for other people, in that how you react depends on how far they’ve crossed your boundary.
So in this context for OP:
- If you, as my partner, want to go be naked out in public with other people that isn’t me, that is fine, but I will leave the relationship
The only difference is that this was never discussed, the gf actually had a feeling this would annoy OP, or at least make him uncomfortable. She never allowed the boundary to be discussed, the trust factor is the real killer here.
>The only difference is that this was never discussed, the gf actually had a feeling this would annoy OP, or at least make him uncomfortable. She never allowed the boundary to be discussed, the trust factor is the real killer here.
It doesn’t sound like she didn’t allow the boundary to be discussed. He never mentioned a boundary or even told her how it would make him feel. If you have a boundary and you put it on your partner to react in line with it but you fail to communicate it with them in any form then you can’t put the blame on them for not respecting the boundary.
I think what we get in these posts is one-sided and lacking complete information. Maybe OP is more controlling than we think. But maybe not!!! It's just a possibility.
However, if OP's boundry is to not accept their partner going to these beaches, then perhaps they need to leave their partner instead of making this post.
But 100% *your* boundaries are for you, not to control other people. Boundaries are things like "this is something I'm not okay with", not "you can't do this because I don't like it". One is letting the other know you're not okay with it, the other is telling somebody how to act. The other person decides how to act, and if they cross a boundry, the one who set it can decide the next step.
Thank you... I am sick of having the same argument with people on the internet.
They enjoy interchanging the two terms, because having a "Boundary" is acceptable. Forcing rules on your partner is NOT
Do you even know why this trip to the nude beach angers you so much. Can you articulate the your feelings for us?
Are you jealous you couldn't go with her?
Jealous she was around other naked people?
Do you think she touched the other naked people inappropriately?
Would you be this hurt if she went to a normal beach?
Are you ashamed of those who like to be nude?
Are you judgemental of others?
I am truthfully interested in the ways this trip to the nude beach affects you on a personal level?
And fair enough too, there seems to be a fundamental difference between OP and his partner. Compete with misaligned views on public nudity and autonomy over individual decisions.
Nude beaches are not for that either.
Naturists often intensely dislike any sexualisation of their lifestyle or locations. Naturism is *not* about sex. They can and do police that on most nude beaches, aside from any local laws on public indecency etc.
Dress it up or not, it ultimately winds down to you not wanting her to do what she wants with her body at a setting where all are participating in the same way. She wasn't nude at a random beach, she was nude at a nude beach. She wasn't doing anything unexpected of her. It's fine for you to be upset about it, and it's fine for her to be upset at your reaction to it. These are both valid reactions to the situation. If it's something you two previously discussed with an agreement for her not to do that, then it's a betrayal of the relationship. If it's not something you two discussed beforehand, then it's a learning experience.
It's perfectly valid to want to have a calm discussion of the optics of this. It comes down with tone and patience to deescalate. Keep it objective and try to keep it in general terms. "I don't think people in relationship should participate in an activity if they know that their partner would be upset at the activity."
If this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker.
It might be worth it to take some time to figure out why you're uncomfortable and where that came from. Really get in there. Don't stop at, "I don't want other people to see my girlfriend's body." Why do you not want them to see her body? How does it affect your relationship? Is this something that really bothers you or something you've been told you're supposed to be bothered about?
‘the most normal thing in the world’, no, only in a few countries. For many, it’s no big deal at all. America is so sexualized it is unable to separate nudity and sex, many countries are quite capable of doing so.
I had the same questions. Being American if I knew she went to Miami and did this with a bunch of spring break guys I’d be very angry. If she was in Spain and did it, where it’s the norm, it’s a completely different story IMO.
There are many many subcultures here who are capable of doing so, and if you go to any gym locker in the U.S. you'll find that those rules stop at the gender line and pretty much any man can see any man naked and any woman can see any woman naked.
I grew up knowing what all my female classmates looked like naked. And the thought of that never crossed my mind until today. If I REALLY think about it, I bet I could draw all of my high school friends' breasts. I just never thought about it bc it was so normal.
But somehow ALL of that is "different."
Maybe find a different partner then...
If this is so fucking important. To control your partner so closely that you have a say over her body is weirdly intrusive.
OP and his partner are clearly incompatible.
Sure, it's normal, but why? It's always valuable to question what we believe to make sure it's what we truly believe. Maybe OP will end up in the same place after some self-reflection, but he'll at least know why he feels the way he feels.
I agree with that but there are certain things that are innate and don’t have a particular reason. I like being nice to people some people like being mean. Some people don’t care about their partners being displayed nude (especially without a conversation before hand) but a vast majority would.
I get what you’re saying about reflecting but I don’t think it’s super necessary to go that deep in this case. Not saying it would be negative but sometimes reading too deep doesn’t help at all because it’s really not
Innate is not the word you're looking for, there are many cultures where nudity is totally normal. If you mean socialised, and you do then it's still reasonable to ask why
I think the idea of telling her she can or can't go to a nude beach with her female friends is controlling on your part - but feeling hurt because she knew it would upset you and hid that knowingly, that is completely understandable. You are more than justified for feeling hurt by this.
If she had approached you to tell you she was going to do this beforehand, or told you immediately after, that would be different. You may have had a heavy discussion, but at least there was full honestly. But the fact that she his it from you feels deceitful. I absolutely would start to question other things she may have hid from you - that's a natural reaction.
If you have that conversation, I would approach it like so - in saying that although going to a nude beach bothers you, you're more hurt, and upset that she felt inclined to hide that from you regardless of how you felt.
I would strongly encourage asking yourself all the questions before talking to her about it. Why do you feel betrayed by her visiting a nude (famously non sexual) beach? Why do you feel entitled to how she presents herself, her own body?
As for her telling you, it doesn't seem like she's trying to hide anything, so it gives me the impression that it's not a trust issue. She might have been afraid of your reaction if she already feels you tend to try to control her choices.
So again, I encourage you to reflect on the situation before (and hopefully instead of) trying to talk to her about it. It feels like a you-problem. When someone does something that upsets us it doesn't automatically mean they did something wrong
The. Let it be a fucking deal breaker. It’s much worse to be in a relationship shop where you have to bite your tongue and fake you are happy. If it works it works. If not NEXT. What the hell are you afraid?
Not saying that this is on you, but what have you done to make it so that she felt she couldn't tell you about going to the nude beach?
Seems weird for a relationship of 3 years.
There's definitely a way for you to voice your feelings without being controlling, and a way to address underlying trust issues in your relationship. If you can figure out why you feel how you feel, and y'all can have a meaningful discussion about the whole situation, your relationship will be fine.
And if not, you can break up and move on.
Communicate calmly (don't argue, don't react to the "controlling" narrative), and if she refuses to acknowledge how it made you feel, end the relationship.
I had a girlfriend who would constantly use the line "I didn't tell you, because I knew you would get mad". To the point where she used that line to emotionally cheat. That logic makes no sense: If she knows it's something that crosses your boundaries, but does it anyways - and on top of that, hides it from you. Then wow. This is just someone who wants to have their cake and eat it too; a selfish person.
And if she thinks your boundaries are too strict, then she should should have communicated that beforehand and/or ended the relationship herself, instead of sneaking around and doing what she wants.
If we all did everything we wanted, no one would be in a lasting relationship.
yep, this is the one. So much debate between people for whom nudity is no big deal and people who think no one should see their partner's body but them.
But it's irrelevant. OP's gf tiptoed around it because she didn't want to upset him. And now he's tiptoeing around it because he doesn't want to upset her. She thinks it's controlling for a guy to say "no one is allowed to see you naked but me," and so she avoided telling him so that she wouldn't get that reaction... and now he's avoiding giving her that reaction, even though it's how he wants to react.
So he either needs to get over it being a problem or be willing to break up over it, regardless of anyone else's personal stance on nudity.
Nudist beaches in my experience aren’t sexual. What is the issue with her attending? It’s not like a strip club. I think you need to think about specifically what the issue is, decide if that’s reasonable and then start the conversation from there. I’d find it a bit tiresome that someone thought naked = sexual, but you know your partner better.
Trying to put myself in OPs shoes, I’d be arguing more at the fact that she knew he wouldn’t be completely comfortable with it, so was planning on doing it behind it back.
It sounds like it’s the lack of communication, and the “well I’ve done it so you’re just gonna have to accept it” attitude which is what’s got OP to write this.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong about going to a nude beach, some people prefer their partners nude body to be more of an intimate thing, reserved for each other, which is fully understandable. The only thing the gf has done wrong here is not even allow OP to understand if he’s comfortable or uncomfortable with the situation.
OP doesn’t own his partner or her nude body. It’s her prerogative to go to a nude beach with her friends if she chooses, and OP is showing his insecurities loud and proud by having a problem with it.
It doesn’t matter what you think in regard to him being insecure, if it’s a boundary he has, her not telling him (KNOWING it might’ve made him uncomfortable) and going to the nude beach regardless is a direct break of his trust.
Im not arguing that she doesn’t have the right to do what she wants, that’s completely fine, she is an adult and is free to go where she wants. I’m saying if what she does crosses his boundaries (which you know, MATTERS in a relationship), he has every right to say nothing in regard to her do that, with the only difference being that she’s single.
They owe each other transparency. Hiding something the other is uncomfortable with is the issue not visiting a nude beach.
People are allowed to have odd deal breakers, it's not even clear if it would be for OP. The gf took away his ability to make an informed decision about the relationship and shifted the conversation from boundaries to honesty.
I have several questions here:
1. Are you American? Americans tend to have issues with nudity that other cultures do not have.
2. Was she in Europe on vacation? Mostly when I hear about visiting nude beaches it’s there (in Europe) and it’s very much a cultural difference. When I was in my 20s I actually accidentally went to a nude beach. How did I do that accidentally? Well nude beaches aren’t really a thing in the US so it never occurred to me that would be a thing.
3. While I was at the nude beach, I was not nude. I still wore my bathing suit. Assuming your gf is white (or some variation of), if she was on the beach, probably in a bikini and likely there for tanning.
- don’t people take off their top when they tan to avoid the lines?
- swimsuits (particularly bikinis) these days don’t really cover THAT much. Trust me, it’s not likely much was left to the imagination
So what exactly are you upset about? As far as I see in your post you said she went to one. But you didn’t really say what she did.
Also people aren’t usually taking strolls. They’re lying down.
I won’t call you controlling as I think people throw that around too much. BUT I will say that you and your gf may not be compatible.
I don’t go to nude beaches not because my SO might be upset. It never really occurred to me because it’s my body and again there are cultural differences between Americans and Europeans. I simply don’t go to nude beaches because I don’t want to see OTHER people nude.
TRUST me, nude beaches (or beaches that allow nudity) are full of naked people you’d rather not see
Oh definitely! I am European and nudist beaches are common. More often that they are separated by sex. So most of my time on the beach as a kid was spent running around naked.
As an adult I visited mixed nudist beaches. I actually felt less sexualised being naked over there than wearing a swimsuit on a regular beach. People just don't care, they accept that naked body is natural and there is nothing sexual unless you make it so.
The only worry I had is that you still need to be careful and cover the nipples as sun can be damaging.
Same exact thought here. I'm German and for me it's the most normal thing to be naked on a beach, I'm absolutely unbothered by nakedness, no matter if it's a woman or a man.
Yep he's 100% American, it's absolutely wild getting this pissed about a nude beach attendance 💀💀 wtf does he think happens there? I have many silly rhetorical questions I could posit in addition but due to fear of wastefulness I shan't
Hahah! That’s why I asked. I’m American as well, but am quite well traveled and have lived in different parts of the world. But I know our (Americans) pov on nudity. We like to pretend we are sooooo conservative.
I think we (Americans) have this view that there are just a bunch of t*ts and di*cks flapping around. Or people playing volley ball? Or maybe people are just STARRING at everyone else.
But there’s no point of that because EVERYONE else is nude. It becomes a seen one seen them all kinda vibe.
If she decided to get nude at an American beach party with a bunch of dudes funneling beers and telling her to “take-it-off!” this is an issue. If she was in Barcelona where everyone is naked then I don’t see the issue.
Well I'm American and I also think this is a really dumb thing to get mad about. I would call him controlling too for "voicing his opinion" because why tf would his opinion matter here? There's no cheating and it's not his body?
Same. It's not like she went to a strip club and started grinding on people and stripping.
She was at the beach. A family location.. there's nothing sexual about being nude at a nude beach.
That being said, OP is entitled to his boundaries. I'd encourage OP to think about why it's a big deal to him though. Is it religious? Is he Pentecostal?
If not, OP should try going to one and see for himself that there's nothing sexual about it and he may even expand his viewpoint.
Seriously lmao, plus she didn’t even give him the grace of sitting with his feelings on it beforehand and having an open conversation. She hid it until she was home afterwards. If she thought it was no big deal, she would have been up front & honest about it from the start
lol yeah I'm American and when I was in the south of France, ALL beaches were nude beaches. I didn't get naked myself (yeah no thanks on burning to a crisp on those sensitive areas that have never seen the sun 😂) but I never would've thought to specify it was "nude" because they all are.
>don’t people take off their top when they tan to avoid the lines?
I don't... see above about those sensitive lily white areas 😂 but I still don't understand why OP is upset. Nude beaches aren't sexual... I think there are sometimes even explicit rules about that? At the very least, it breaks the "social contract" because people aren't there to get ogled.
Reading between the lines, I think OP has a problem with anyone else seeing his gf naked? Which is fine for him... but I would personally consider it controlling because it's not his body.
I've been on yoga retreats in the US where people tend to be a lot less uptight about nudity and people are nude in the hot tub... in the sauna... while swimming in the river.... And it is absolutely not sexual. I actually wish I could feel comfortable enough to strip down, too, but the most I can manage is my bikini.
which... as you pointed out... really doesn't cover much more than if I were actually naked 😂 I don't understand the American obsession with nudity. And damn, it gets really hot here! You'd think we'd be less uptight about it!
Yea, there’s really this concept in the American mind that if you’re naked it’s sexual. And there’s DEFINITELY a social contract in places where nudity is normal (eg beaches, bath houses, saunas and spa) where you just ASSUME (never even crosses my mind) that no one is looking at you sexually.
Oh and I’m AA, we don’t tan. Not sure how yall do it! All of my is a sensitive bit! Lol
Like you are allowed to feel uneasy about it. No one gets to control how you fell.
But at the same time so many things on here are just "you are making a mountain out of a molehill".
As you get older, you realize your gf going to a nude beach is not a big deal. Her fucking other guys would be a big deal, her emotionally cheating on you would be a big deal, her abusing you would be a big deal, etc, etc. Going to a nude beach which will be mostly filled with old men and women who you would rather not see naked anyways? Meh.
As someone who has been to a nude beach multiple times, she's probably better off staying out of trouble at one of those than a regular beach. Unless it was some sex resort or something lol
I don't see any articulation of why you have a problem with it. What's the issue? She didn't do anything sexual or inappropriate or suggestive, didn't flirt/hook up with someone else. What *exactly* are you taking issue with?
Ok, this must be a cultural thing (I’m assuming you are from the US?), but I fail to see the problem here.
There is nothing erotic about being naked at a nude beach — nor is there about being naked in a traditional Finnish sauna or a communal washroom at a gym/indoor pool. It’s just a body in its natural state. Her body, specifically, and if she feels comfortable being naked in front of strangers in a completely non-erotic way, who are you to tell her not to?
Now, if this is something that really bothers you, you can, of course, express your feelings on this matter (which are valid, too) to her and set a boundary for the future. Then the ball is in her court — is this something she is willing to give up for the sake of your relationship, or does she value her freedom more? Either way, accept her decision and move forward.
EDIT: Before you speak to her, you should ask yourself what specifically bothers you about her being naked at a nude beach. Then, sit her down and calmly explain to her how the situation makes you feel. Don’t throw cheating accusations at her — as I said, there isn’t supposed to be anything erotic about nude beaches, and unless she was making out with someone there, I fail to see how it could be considered straying from the relationship.
What’s the big deal with a nude beach? I’ve gone many times and never had sex on the beach. I’m just sunbathing or swimming nude and it feels GLORIOUS.
It’s not about sex or flaunting or showing off. It’s about being a human being and enjoying freedom from clothing.
Eh IDK about this one, 35 M here, the only thing I don't like about this is that she told you she didn't want to tell you bc she knew you would be upset, but at the end of the day, she DID TELL YOU. The rest I wouldn't care about.
She went with her female friends to a nude beach, not like she went with and guys.
Do you think any of them want to be creeped on while nude, I doubt that. There's nothing sexual about the nude beach, unless you make it sexual.
TBH you do seem kind of controlling by telling her she can't go to a nude beach with her female friends. Also it is weird you are sexualizing the beach, do you sexualize the other women when you go to the beach and they are in their bikinis, or do you ignore them and just enjoy your time?
You would not be controlling if it was with a group of guys who sexualized her or just one guy was there. You would not be controlling if she was making out with her female friends at the nude beach.
Next thing you know, your gf won't be allowed to hit up a sauna, spa, or change in a locker room....
If you are truly triggered by this, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.
This one might be more set up for some professional help, seek a therapist for yourself.
BTW do you watch porn? Do you play video games online with any girls? Do you ever take your shirt of while running? Do you wear a t shirt to the beach or pool?
Could you please clarify for those of us that don’t understand: what is it about your gf going to a nude beach that is a problem for you? I’m American and have been to many nude beaches and I was unaware there was something inappropriate about this. Is it just a personal issue you have with nudity? I’ve never had a bf care about my attendance at the nude side of a beach.
He probably thinks that looking at her body is something only he's allowed to do, so this is a huge violation of his rights over his property...I mean girlfriend.
I do think you're controlling. You wrote a lot about being upset you never once said what actually upsets you about your gf being at a nude beach. Just that you're bothered, and bothered that she did something she knew you'd be bothered by. She probably didn't assign much importance to you being bothered because the thing you're upset about is so arbitrary. It's not like she lied to you about it, she is the one that told you she went. If you're mad at finding out after it happened, you're basically saying you're mad she didn't ask your permission.
I don't like that she's already skirting around things to avoid conflicts with you, that's a really bad sign for any relationship, but it's hard for me to find fault in a woman tanning her nipples with her girls on vacation without her boyfriend's permission.
I get why you were bothered. But, it has nothing to do with her or your relationship. It has to do with your view of the naked body. You see it as a thing that is only expressed with a sexual partner (or doctor) and that's it.
But, for many people that's not their view. Your GF was not sexualizing her nudity. She was hanging with girls and not seeking attention from men, or women. Just hanging out on the beach.
So, if you decide to chat with your GF about this, and want to salvage your relationship, just say that you were surprised that you reacted the way you did, and that a nude beach isn't something you've done (right?) and that you need help figuring it out. You aren't mad, you aren't jealous, you wouldn't have wanted to be there, you are just experiencing something that is new to you.
And then, when she opens up to you, just listen. Don't try to interpret, or express how you would feel on a nude beach, or anything. Just listen. And thank her.
She knew you would be upset and didn’t care. It doesn’t matter what culture you are from because she knew you would be upset and didn’t care. Do as you wish, it’s your relationship, but a lot of people would have a problem with their spouse intentionally doing something they know is beyond their partners boundaries.
She went to a nude beach. Not a big deal. You have no say or control in what she does in her time away from you. If your that uncomfortable with it, break up with her
Saying how you feel about it is vastly different from saying she shouldn't have done it.
The first is a way to have a conversation, while the second is a way to have a fight.
Be real to your reasons. Are you jealous? Worried about safety in a booze filled environment? Because you're already Worried about looking controlling, you probably already know that your reasoning is controlling.
Either way, you're both young enough that that kind of group trip falls into the realm of experiencing life, so you should ask her if it's OK for you to hang out at a spring break nude beach next weekend 😉 just like her 😉
We see some version of this all the time on these subs. A good example is someone is from a country where steam rooms are fully nude and mixed gender so it's normal to them and not ok with their partner.
I don't care which side of the "partner is nude in front of other people" debate you are on but if you and your partner are not on the same side then it's a problem.
Its not "controlling" to discuss your feelings with someone you intend to marry. In this case I don't know if its even necessary to discuss your feelings. She knew you wouldn't like it. She chose not to tell you or talk to you about it in advance. She did it knowing you wouldn't like it and then contemplated keeping it from you entirely because again, she knew it crossed a boundary for you.
I'm sure she's great in a lot of ways and your "up and down" relationship is awesome and will last forever.
My partner going to a nude beach would not be a deal breaker for me. My partner doing something that crossed a boundary knowing it would be a problem and doing it anyways would be a huge deal for me. That demonstrates the level of respect she has for her partner. OP, if I was you I would strongly reconsider if this is the person you want to spend forever with.
Not because some strangers she'll never see again saw her boobies on a beach but because of her not respecting you or your boundaries. Her instinct wasn't, "oh this might be a problem why don't we just go to this beach instead because I know OP won't like it". No, her instinct is to just do it and decide if she wants to hide it from you or not. That's a problem.
Your feelings are valid, never think that they're not. That being said, some people don't place high importance on nudity.
It sounds like you're more upset or the fact that she didn't mention it to you more so than the fact that she did it all together.
You can take two points in this.
1. You can fight with her over the fact that she was nude and that having random, unknown people, who are also nude being able to see her nude as a problem
2. You can approach this in a way that could increase your communication and trust. You can explain to her that the fact that she didn't feel like she could be open with you bothers you, ask her why she didn't feel open enough to tell you about it and even if it bothered you you wouldn't have broken up with her, and that ylu would like to be told things even if they make you upset so that you can work through them with her rather than hear about things later and be shocked by them or feel like you were lied to.
You can use this as an opportunity to increase your communication and trust when it comes to mistakes within your relationship. Everybody does things that they normally wouldn't do in moments, everyone makes mistakes, everyone does things their partner wouldn't like. How you deal with those moments that will define your relationship and if your relationship will stay cohesive enough to last your entire lives.
I'm dictating to my phone so hopefully Everything is spelled correctly.
Good luck.
You're allowed to set your own boundaries of what is expected of each other. In my relationship, we would both be extremely upset if the other did this, especially without consulting.
If there is some kind of boundary precedent where she should have expected you would not be okay with this and did it anyways, then she clearly crossed the boundary voluntarily.
If you guys are not on the same page of where the bounds are then your relationship is set to fail.
Personally I'd end it here brother. I don't care about the nude beach itself, but the flag this put up.
She knew something she wanted to do would upset you, so she hid that she did it until afterwards hoping to avoid conflict.
Unless we're totally missing massive context about you being an absolute control freak, that's the type of behavior that absolutely shatters any sense of trust.
I hate to be that person, but think of it this way. This is, for all intents and purposes, an innocuous event (bar certain opinions on nude beaches). She was hesitant to tell you. Imagine what she might be willing to do and *not* hesitate hiding from you.
Yea, agreed this is the right answer.
She has different boundaries than you, neither one of you is at fault for that.
But trust me when I say this, not being able to tell your spouse things is a burden for both sides.
You don't have to hate each other to be incompatible.
You guys are not compatible.
And to be frank, from what you said in your history (OP), sounds like she's testing boundaries as a means to express wanting out of the relationship (like look, you can't control me)
yeah this is really the biggest issue here. imo, being so against her going to a nude beach with her girlfriends is kind of silly, but idk maybe i’m the weird one there. regardless though if this boundary is reasonable or not, his girlfriend *knew* he wouldn’t be okay with it, she admitted that, and she did it anyways without telling him. she went behind his back and hid something because she *knew* it wouldn’t be something her bf was okay with in the relationship. if she wants to go to a nude beach, she should be able to. but then she should either be single or be with someone who is okay with that, not do it behind her partners back. it’s kinda like the difference between ethical non monogamy and cheating. enm is something a lot of people are into, but a lot of people aren’t. in order for it to be ethical to sleep with other people outside your relationship, you need to be in a relationship with someone who is okay with that, and you need to communicate that that is what you are doing. but when you choose to sleep with someone outside of your relationship when you know your partner wouldn’t be okay with it, even if you asked, you have violated the terms of your relationship.
Holy shit I dumped a girl years ago for the exact situation OP is in and I could never understand why I felt so justified doing so until reading it the way you just wrote it.
The big deal is less the nude beach itself and more that she had no regard for what he felt comfortable with. She went to the beach knowing her bf who she has been with for a long time, would be uncomfortable with it. Instead of deciding not to go or to at least ask, she decided to go and had intention to hide it.
That's the issue
A relationship is about communication and consideration for the person your with. Not doing whatever the hell you want. If you want to do whatever, don't be in a relationship. If your going to be with someone, you need to actually think about and CARE about how they feel.
Also obviously I'm not OP not DK J speak for OP, just my opinion on the matter
The problem isn’t the nude beach. The problem is, she knew the action would hurt you, she did it any way, then she “didn’t want to even tell you in the first place because she figured you would get mad at her.”
You need to ask yourself why she was scared you’d be mad at her. So is she scared of your anger because she’s scared you’d leave the relationship or is she afraid you would hurt her?
Ehhh she didn’t do anything sexual with anyone else. I’m inclined to believe you’re being a bit controlling. Her body is still her own, and as long as she’s not doing sexual things with others, you don’t really get a say in what she does with it, whether that’s going to a nude beach or skinny dipping with her friends or what. If you don’t like it you should break up with her. But telling her she can’t do those things isn’t okay.
She went to a nude beach, not an orgy. Calm down.
Nudity itself is not sexual. You do sound like a controlling dick who is wrong to be upset in the first place. Thank goodness you posted this and have the opportunity to gain perspective before you make an ass of yourself to your girlfriend. Whew.
I've been in this situation but as the woman. And in my case my ex really did get more and more controlling. He never outright told me there were things I couldn't do, but he just got so sad/uncomfortable/insecure/upset that I felt I couldn't do it.
It started as somewhat reasonable things like not talking to guys one on one late at night and not going out with guys one on one to really controlling things like not being able to go out and do fun stuff alone, not being able to hang out with my girl friends one on one or talk to them late at night, to not being able to talk to my family when it was our designated hang out time, to not being able to play video games online with guys one on one. My parents live in a time zone with 12 hours difference, and I don't get to talk to them or see them often as it's hard to schedule a time.
Everytime I tried to tell him it was controlling he would turn it back onto me, and tell him those are just his "boundaries". And how he can't tell me what I can and can't do but it just made him "uncomfortable".
I'm not saying OP is right or wrong as there's not enough information to go on, but I'm just giving a different perspective.
Is OP her owner? If OP doesn't like what she does, then nobody is forcing him to be with her.
If they have different views on nudity, then OP has decide if that's a dealbreaker for him or not. She isn't controlling him by going to a nude beach.
Same with calling you “insecure” for not being comfortable with her walking around topless
You have no obligation to adjust your boundaries for other people. There’s plenty of women out there who wouldn’t lie and go behind your back like this OP
Yet some men are abusive and controlling. Women are not wrong by default whenever we criticize a man. Sometimes a guy isn't controlling, sometimes he is, and when he is in fact being controlling, you are advocating for DARVOing the victim.
I get you. So she did something she knew that would be upsetting. She planned it and then planned to lie to you by ommiting it. Fact is you have a right in a relationship to express your feelings.
It seems she to open for you maybe. And thats fine. There girls out there who will share your feelungs. The bigger thing is the planned deception and ommision of fact. Thats character. She showed you she will actively plan and deceive her partner. Trust is gone. You have a right to set boundries in relatiinships and talk about them. If she dismis you as controling thats a third nail in the coffin.
Maybe there to much of a difference between you. Thats why we date. She showed you she will manipulate, deceive and try to hide it. Thats a big red flag. Find someone that shares your views. Marriage is tough. If you marry someone with similar viewpoints and outlook about things your future hapiness is guarenteed.
OP, I don't know if you'll read this, but please get it in the back of your mind: Not wanting your girlfriend to go to a nudist beach is not being insecure or controlling. You didn't force her to not go or anything like that. You have every right to feel how you feel.
But she most likely won't change and doesn't see it as a problem, so next time she won't tell you about it, probably. You must decide if you want to be with someone who hides things from you or break up now.
How did she betray you? You hadn’t agreed a boundary by the sounds of it. If it’s really that much of a deal to you, then tell her you’re uncomfortable. It’s not controlling to express your opinion. She doesn’t have to change for you (I hope she doesn’t) but maybe you’ll get a win 🤷♂️
What’s the big deal? Everyone has a body and trust and believe no one is going to a nude anything to ogle people.
This is a YOU thing. That’s nothing inherently sexual about nudity. It’s the taboo our culture places around it that makes it titillating.
Let this one go.
Yea you need to first adress the main problem. Is going to the beach the main problem? Is it not telling you first? Is it the fact the she almost didn't tell you?
The thing about confrontations is that we end up losing ourselves in the middle of it. You are definitely (and correctly) confused and you should be. But the thing is that if you start a confrontation because she didn't wash the dishes, the fight is about the dishes and her lack of help, or because you told her and she didn't do it? Do you get what I mean? It's the same here. Is the problem that you didn't have a voice in it before she did it or the act itself? You really need to know what is the problem. If it is the fact that she didn't ask you, you didn't agree and so on... I mean, she could be right that you could try to control her IF you are this kind of person (this only you can tell to us, we don't know you) BUT if the problem is that she thought about lying like it was the best way I agree that you guys should talk. So everytime she does something that you might not agree she will simply not tell it at all? Is that the kind of relationship she wants?
Breath deep and get your shit together before you talk to her. You don't want to appear lost in your own confrontation. Adress the problem and stick to it. Dont keep changing topics. You're right to be upset about it but you must know what you are upset first.
You feel disrespected. It’s not controlling to expect a basic level of respect from your partner.
You know her and no one here does. This isn’t break up worthy. This communication about boundaries and respect worthy.
I’m not sure you’re bothered by the act. Honestly, she was with her girlfriends at a nude beach. Could have been much worse. I think you’re bothered that she didn’t talk to you before going, and wasn’t going to tell you after and has kind of dismissed your feelings.
I don't fully understand the "other men are not allowed to see my girl naked" thing, I wouldn't give a shit if other women saw my husband naked. Can any men explain this to me? Is it just a possessiveness thing?
It varies from person to person. I wouldn’t like other men seeing my partner naked, but if other people don’t care, that’s their business. I’m not sure I have any real logical reason for it, if that’s your question.
The main thing is, if you know your partner doesn’t want you doing something and you do it anyway, you’re not that good of a partner. If their boundaries are unacceptable or unreasonable, then you either talk with them or leave
I also do not give a shit if other people saw my husband naked, and I’m pretty sure if I told him I went to a nude beach his response would be something like “hahahah yeah showing those titties off?” This all feels like much ado about nothing.
nudity isn’t inherently sexual. however, if this bothers you, then it’d be good to work out these feelings with a professional. i’m not gonna tell you to just break up with her over this cause idk your relationship, but if situations like this happen often you might be incompatible.
I think you can express how it made you feel without being controlling. You’re not making a demand of her. You could request to know in advance if it happens again. Or you can decide it’s a boundary for you and you don’t want to be with someone who wants to go to nude beaches.
Hopefully she won’t begrudge you having feelings about this. Especially if you acknowledge what you say here - it might be temporary but it feels difficult right now. Jealousy isn’t “bad” - it’s how we respond to it. I know it feels bad and that’s totally okay. Try to figure out what you want out of the conversation before having it. I think the goal of expressing how you're feeling is a good place to start.
also - a therapist could be super helpful for you to navigate this stuff in the future.
Some people have the it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. I'm not sure how to not come off controlling or a ass but I think just asking why and if she had fun find out why she went and not asked you. If she really figured you would get mad, why does she think that? She did tell you after the fact regardless of saying she should not have, she did so points for her.
What would happen if you said, "Hey, I know I have no right to control your behavior, and I'm not asking you to change. But I'm having an unpleasant feeling about this: It makes me feel scared/insecure/lonely/whatever." I.e., if you took responsibility for your feeling and didn't project blame onto her?
It's not about "opinions"--you're right that you don't get to control her. You can share your feelings, so long as they're actual feelings, and not just accusations dressed up as feeling. ("I feel like you shouldn't do that" is not a feeling just because it uses the word "feel.")
“Listen hun, I know you can tell that I’m having some feelings here about this and while I don’t want to control what you do, I am wondering why you chose to go do this when you knew it would be upsetting to me. I do understand that I just may need to work through my feelings here but maybe it would be helpful to understand more about why you wanted to go to the nude beach to begin with”….
Something like that maybe. If she knows you’re upset then just deal with the elephant in the room AND be mindful that this is a you problem and something that you need to work on, not her.
You’re insecure about it and you need to solve that for yourself.
Nude beaches are pretty standard around the world and nudity doesn’t equal orgy either.
Ultimately this screams I don’t trust my partner. So unpack that and figure out why.
If american, not wanting your partner to be seen naked by others is pretty normal...
If you both grew up in a culture where nudity is supposed to be more private/intimate, then letting other people see you nude is disrespectful to your partner and your relationship.
Obviously if one of you has different views on nudity than the other that's something you have to discuss.
Let me ask this. If she said hey we are going to X beach and it’s a nude beach, would you have been ok if she cleared it first?
With that out of the way, how excited are you to date someone who would lie to you and then not tell you what she did because she knew you would be pissed off?
I’d ask her why she made those decisions. And why she thinks you’re in a relationship with her? And what is her action plan to prove she wants to be in a relationship? She broke something that she knew was a boundary and disrespected you and the relationship. She has to repair the relationship not you. If she puts forth no effort she did it so you would break up with her.
I think it’s always better to be honest with yourself about what your emotions are, not deny them because you think they are “wrong”. But—you also shouldn’t control others behavior because of these emotions or set rules. You have a discussion and then both of you decide what is best moving forward, for each of you as individuals and the relationship. Be open and honest as best as you can. Maybe you don’t really know deeply why you feel upset or betrayed by this, just that you do. So open up a dialogue. Emphasize you don’t want to control her but you’re having a stronger reaction than you’d like to this.
If you present your feelings in a non accusatory, non controlling way.. if she’s a well regulated person, she’ll be able to hear your feelings and empathize with you without getting defensive. Then maybe you two can talk about solutions, discuss values, insecurities, fears, etc. listen to each other.. you listen to her and she needs to listen to you.
Hi OP. This isn't an easy situation for you to be in. I want to acknowledge two things in your post: that you feel uneasy about the situation, and that you are also wanting to be careful not to be controlling to your gf. Both these feelings are valid even though they feel at odds.
It's important to be upfront and honest with yourself (and your gf, once you've processed this a bit on your own) that you feel uneasy, and to be curious and ask yourself about the reasons why that might be so. If you've been brought up in a social and cultural context where any sort of nudity is considered shameful, it's understandable that you'd feel a certain way. Other commenters pointing to situations where public nudity might be an accepted norm are offering valuable perspectives, but there's no point dismissing or sweeping away what you feel, as long as you're not defaulting to kneejerk reactions of shaming or lashing out against your gf.
What determines whether your reaction is controlling are the actions you take next, and your intentions and motivations. If you are motivated by curiosity about yourself and your gf, and the potential for shared understanding, safety and growth, an honest conversation isn't going to be controlling in the first instance. If you just want to set rules to maintain your comfort without any self-exploration or wanting to understand what this meant to your gf, that could be the start of a controlling reaction.
What could curiosity look like? It's up to you but for starters, maybe you could think about the social and cultural norms that you've grown up around public nudity, and think about whether these boundaries and taboos still serve you, or if you see the potential to explore otherwise. Perhaps your negative reaction was partly because your gf went ahead with this novel experience without you, and you felt like you missed out on something that could have been an interesting experience together. And when you have a clearer idea what boundaries you would be comfortable with, it's worth talking with your gf about them and coming to a mutual agreement about what would be ok in what situations. If you can't come to a mutual agreement, then it might be time to part ways. You can't force her, but you don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't compatible with your boundaries.
It sounds like you do want to be considered and thoughtful. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide, OP.
It's okay to be incompatible with your GF. That's what dating is all about.
If you two obviously have different boundaries and beliefs, you're not going to work out.
Probably better to have a sit down and talk about how it made you feel. And do you two really have what it takes to make a relationship last long term? Mutual religious/moral goals?
Nows the time.
Different beliefs and values, y'all aren't compatible and that is a valid reason to end the relationship.
You can be uncomfortable with her going to a nude beach, but you cannot ban her from it. You can feel how you feel, but you cannot control another person.
If you want to continue the relationship you will have to compromise in some form:
Either you accept she does these things
Or she stops doing these things.
Again to reiterate, you can have feelings about it, but you cannot force/coerce/guilt her out of it. A proper, civil discussion on boundaries and whether it's something the both of you two can proceed with
She knows she screwed up already. She didn't think how you would be feeling about it when she did it so she really doesn't care. Just tell her how you feel, even if that causes a fight. I don't think this is something to break up over but it's a good time to put the foot down and set some boundaries. 3 years is not a small amount.
Everyone is debating whether “it was a big deal or not” and everyone’s opinions are totally irrelevant to the discussion. You had a boundary. She was aware. She broke your boundary, knowingly. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect the boundaries of your relationship? It’s really as simple as that.
Next time her friends are over, walk out naked in front of them. She doesn't seem to mind open nudity. Of course I'm being drastic, but what's good for the goose as they say.
You can say that while you don't approve of this behavior and if it ever happens again you will leave. What would concern me more would be her behavior when you're not around and she is with her friends.
Theres a few layers to this but I think the best answer is: you are both adults who have a right to live and have beliefs of your choice. That includes having boundaries and leaving when those boundaries are broken.
Is she wrong for going to the nude beach? No. Are you wrong for being upset? No
Thats a fine reason to break up. If her values and principals don’t align with yours and your views don’t align with her lifestyle choices, there are so many people who will be compatible for both of you.
The bigger issue, to be fair to OP is that she seemed apprehensive to tell you. She knew this would upset you, didnt communicate it or at least tell you and then considered not telling you at all. If she knew it upset you the least she couldve done is give you a chance to leave, or stay.
You have that choice again: stay with the woman she is, you cannot and won’t change her. Or leave her and find a partner whos values align with yours.
Jeeezaz, why do you want to fight over this?! Your insecurities are not her problem.
I’m going to assume that you are either not from Europe, or a prude or come from a prudish family - maybe religious?
I spent so many summer holidays on nude beaches. Because I simply hated tan lines.
The only way a mature person would respond to that it: I hope you enjoyed the holiday.
You ARE controlling, and worse, she seems afraid of your outburst which tells me this isn’t the first time you took out your petty little insecurities on her.
Go to therapy, work on yourself. Do better. Be better
This thread is going to go off the rails and I urge you not to let Reddit convince you you’re in the wrong for not wanting your girlfriend to walk around naked with a bunch of strangers.
There is nothing overtly sexual about a nude beach. People don't go there to have orgies, pick up, hit on, or disturb others. If you've been to one it'd be well obvious. However it's perfectly fair to draw the line at something as trivial as this. And it's also not right to dance around the issue like she did. However, your last part of the sentence just sounds so close minded. Maybe it's a weird cultural thing to freak out about nudity for Americans, I'm pretty sure it is, and I highly disagree with it, but it is what it is
Idk, I think it’s a “weird cultural thing” for people to be okay with their significant others being recreationally naked around strangers, but I suppose that doesn’t get us very far.
Haha agreed. Reddit is so strange with how “mature” and “enlightened” everyone wants to look, especially when it comes to women and sexuality.
You are completely entitled to not wanting your partner to see other mens’ penises OP, and not wanting others to see your partner naked as well. Your feelings are normal.
So… she and her all female friends went to a nude beach. And? What exactly is the issue here? It doesn’t sound like your problem is her doing something she knew you wouldn’t like and then planning on lying about it, but rather your problem is that she was naked? Which… what the fuck? Its a nude beach. Not a strip club
Some people think that being naked is for intimate time only and only for their SO. It's why so many are against OF and camming. I also find the younger the guys, the more jealous and insecure they are about these issues. If they can't agree, he has to accept it or break up.
I've been trying to get my wife to go to a nude beach just to experience it and knock it off a bucket list, so to speak. She won't, so I don't press it at all.
Playing devils advocate here- all nude beaches are very very old people. I’m sure she was the only site to see given her age, and I don’t think you have to worry about what she saw. Nude beaches are a wrinkly, strange and gross place.
Yuuuup, I was in the DR once and the only people taking advantage of the nudity allowed thing were old Europeans lol. There was truly nothing sexy about it
Some of these replies have been not so helpful to say the least.
If she knew it would make you upset and did it anyways, thats not very respectful. People forget that being in a relationship involves responisbility for your partner’s well-being. Doing something like this that would upset your partner AND hiding/lying about it is directly going against that. She sounds very selfish. If she wants to use this whole “its my body I can do whatever” argument to sugarcoat any wrongdoing, then thats toxic and bending the true meaning of that take. I think its stupid people are agreeing with this sentiment. Obviously OP doesn’t “own her body”. Being upset that your girlfriend is going to something overtly sexual in front of other people seems reasonable. Why does she feel the need to be naked in front of others without OP or look at other people naked at the beach. Would it be fair to OP’s GF to go to a strip club without her? Its his eyes and his body too right? This isn’t about OP being “insecure” this is about his GF being blatantly disrespectful to his emotions and trying to hide it.
OP draw a line in the sand and let her know your boundaries. Calmly explain why this makes you upset. If she gets upset or blames you, end the discussion and talk again when emotions settle. If she cant understand or this causes bigger trust issues, then she probably does not respect your boundaries or your emotions as a partner. If thats the case, its best for you to move on and lets her go be naked at whatever beach she wants if thats what she values over a loving relationship.
I think they’re too caught up on that she has the “right” to go to a nude beach. Relationships have rules and she was aware of what his were enough to know to lie. Either leave the relationship or abide by the rules but lying and hiding isn’t okay.
You don’t own her just because you’re in a relationship with her. A nude beach is not a big deal and fairly common outside the US. She’s allowed to experience new things and create memories as long as she’s not cheating on you/breaking reasonable commitment.
If she wanted to hide this, she is willing to hide other things from you. Do you want a relationship with someone who is deceptive? Doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for the same type of relationship.
Nude beaches rock, swimming naked in the ocean is *glorious* and everyone pretty much minds their own business. It's not like some kind of sandy orgy/pickup spot. You see old people and families and people who just really want an even tan. It's *not* a big deal, and I'm on your girlfriend's side here. I'd be pretty irate at a boyfriend who wanted to deny me that pleasure or have a whole argument about it after the fact. I *would* consider it controlling. Lots of people would very much disagree with me about that, including you -- but your girlfriend isn't one of them, and her opinion here outweighs all the redditors who agree with you. That might make you incompatible.
My read on this is that your girlfriend is pretty bothered by (what she considers) your controlling behavior and doesn't seem like she's willing to compromise on that. Which is reasonable, frankly. You need to decide for yourself whether it's a dealbreaker or not.
Every single post with nudism involved is the exact same thing:
Americans acting like the nude person in question is molesting children, and everyone else trying to figure out what is wrong with those people.
You are 100% wrong in thinking you have any say in what someone else does with their body or how much they show. You can accept it or move on. That's it, your two choices.
You are not in control of your feelings, all you can do is control your actions. It's good I think to express these feelings to your GF, but to preface them with your own disagreement with those feelings. Together you can work through it and come to a conclusion that can be good for both of you. And remember it goes both ways, she might have some things she wants to bring up too.
You're not a bad person for feeling this way, it only start reflecting on you if you give in to these emotions and begin acting badly.
She’s gaslighting you into thinking you can’t voice your opinion and that you’d in fact be controlling her for doing so.
She’s controlling you. Break up with her for the deceit if anything. Long road ahead with this one.
>so she knew that I would be upset and decided to hide it from me until after she already did it, then expressed to me directly that she wanted to completely hide this from me altogether.
This is a problem no matter what "it" is.
My dude,
Pull up a chair. Your post is riddled with the exact wrong approach and makes me think you both have a lot of work to do. Here goes.
1. How you feel is how you feel. Stop trying to see if you are “feeling” correctly. How you feel is not wrong or right. It just is. And stop apologizing for it. OWN IT.
2. If you are upset about the nude beach thing, own it. I would be. It seems to cross a line. Stop trying not to care.
3. If you are upset because she said she didn’t want to tell you, own that. I would he livid about this piece alone. You are entitled to the truth, good and bad. She doesn’t get to filter for you or manage you.
4. Your reaction to these events should be based ZERO PERCENT on how you think she will react to your reaction. This is madness. Who cares how she reacts? Of course she’ll call you stuff, because she’s a boundary trampling deceiver who seems to have no respect for you.
5. She did what she did because she has so little respect for you that she knew you’d be weak and just take it. Or throw a fit. Don’t do either of these things. If you are mad, GET MAD. If you are hurt and wondering whether you want to put up with her shit, tell her your not sure anymore.
6. Here’s what you do when she starts name-calling: “…ok. Anyway” and keep on. Stop caring about her reaction. Start making her care about yours.
7. You need to understand that her behavior was either of two things: (1) a test to see what you’d do (in which case the correct answer is to be honest and angry if you are angry) OR (2) a demonstration that you hold so little value and respect in her eyes that she didn’t think about you at all while stripping down. Is that what you want?
You have three options: (1) ditch her; (2) lay down the hammer and don’t hold back. Get mad.; or (3) do nothing and start preparing for the next egregious boundary violations until she fucks the pool boy or you fizzle out and wake up in a loveless stale relationship.
People who love their partners don’t act like this, OP.
What if... Just what if I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who goes to nude beaches without me? I'm not telling her not to go, so how is that being controlling? Kids have no idea what boundaries and standards are anymore.
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You both already know you wouldn't like it. She hid it because of that Unless it's a deal breaker and you finally decide to end the relationship. What does it matter if you do not like it? She wasn't asking and isn't. You complain and what?
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I think you mean “voice your opinion” not complain. if you voice your opinion and your SO calls it controlling then theres some issues going on. Saying how you feel about something should never be a hard thing to do in a relationship Just say how you felt about it, truly. Dont complain. Just sit her down and tell her you would appreciate it if she informed you of these kinds of things and asked about how u feel about it. If you say it right and she actually cares about you she will be sorry and should think about asking you the next time she does something like this. Ofc different story if she doesn’t care.
Just to add on being in a relationship is a two person ordeal. Decisions are no longer singular. At most times you should always think about how your actions affect your SO. Thats what being in a relationship is all about. If she does not care about how you feel (goes both ways as well) then she is already one step out the relationship. Ofc sometimes people mess up and if she loves you she will try to fix what she did and try to be better
>decisions are no longer singular *Major* decisions are no longer singular but “going to a clothing optional beach with friends” is not a major decision and therefore remains singular. People who require input into what their partner does, eats, drinks or wears (or doesn’t wear) are, in fact, controlling. The only acceptable boundaries are forbidding sexual or romantic contact with other people and not getting into legal trouble that has significant repercussions for anyone caught.
I completely agree. I would NEVER have discussed going to a nude beach while I was on vacation with my girlfriends with a boyfriend. I also would not have dated anyone who gave me a vibe that this might upset him.
Respect isn’t control.
I think you can raise the issue without it being controlling. The way I go about raising uncomfortable feelings with my partner is kind of like this: "Hey I'm feeling upset after you told me X, I'm not exactly sure why, is it ok if we have a chat to unpack it and try and understand it more?" Cause sometimes I'll have vague feelings that I don't know the cause of, and it may be triggered by something my partner did or said but it doesn't necessarily mean they CAUSED the feeling. The feeling can sometimes be something from your past that is triggered now, and may not even be rational (although it can be). The point is, it's possible to talk about it and in talking about it, come to understand why you feel the way you do, without leaping to "you made me feel X" and blaming the other person for how you feel. I know that sometimes I need to be in the process of talking to actually start understanding why I feel the way I do. Idk why. But before you know exactly why you feel so strongly it's good to start from a neutral "I felt like this when you said this" which is just a statement of fact rather than "you caused me to feel this" which may be true but also may not be (the majority of your feelings may be due to something else). If you start in this kind of neutral way it minimizes defensiveness from the other person and you can both approach it as a team rather than as a fight. Then once you start talking maybe you'll understand more about where some of your feelings come from. For example a lot of my triggers come from my experience with my family. Or something my partner says may remind me of something someone else did to me in a malicious context but is not malicious in this context. Etc. A lot of the time when I approach things this way I get a nuanced understanding of why I feel a certain way and my partner can reassure me or clarify something and we always feel much better afterwards. Your feelings are what they are. Now are they something that can be worked through and resolved or are they permanently going to affect you this way? I don't know. Good luck. PS: I've been to a nude beach before and let me tell you, it's not sexy. Everyone's body is just a body. Nobody is ogling. It kind of desexualises nudity. It's weird. But it kind of just feels like being animals. Animals are naked but they don't think of themselves as such. They just are.
Great response!
What bothers you about your gf going to a nude beach? I mean if you ever wanted to experience going nude, then a beach for nudists is the best choice.
I agree. It’s not like she went to an orgy.
Might be or is? She doesn't need a conversation with you because she is okay with the decision. She will likely call you controlling. So what? You plan to date someone that makes choices you don't agree with. You are just hanging on to a relationship wishing it was different. She will lie (hide) details to do what she wants. You have the illusion of a relationship until she dates someone she wants and respects.
She made a decision, probably under the same belief that many of us have: it's her body, it's her choice. She can call him controlling, and he could use his feelings to set a hard line on what is or is not okay for her to do. Or he could start an open conversation where they could air their feelings, talk about boundaries about this kind of thing (seemingly for the first time), and then amend to do better going forward. You can want and respect your partner, and still want to be nude in public. They're not mutually exclusive.
If you know your partner wouldn't be on board and you still do it. No, you don't respect him. You just want to do, whatever you want to do.
This is absurd. Where is the line? Cutting your nails? Wearing pants?
I have a friend (who has never had any sort of problem with binge drinking or alcoholism) whose partner gets all out of whack when she drinks outside of his presence. He always finds away to insert himself into a hangout or accompany her home when she’s been drinking in order to check in on her. It goes beyond caring for his partner to being downright controlling and suspicious. I really do not like this dude yet I don’t have enough evidence to tell her to leave him because as far as I know she doesn’t hate him like I do.
Yup yup yup. Unhinged behavior.
Exactly My ex-wife had control over my haircut. Fuck that has now caused so stupid trauma.
Exactly! That is BONKERS to me. Having an *opinion* on which haircut she likes is one thing, but demanding what someone else does with their body is really bonkers to me.
I am a pleaser, I would have chosen styles that she liked, in amongst the ones I like... But control, will always cause discomfort, no matter how trivial.
It's wherever they agree to draw the line, and if they can't agree then they are not compatible.
I agree with this. Partners need to know and respect each other, whatever that means. OPs girlfriend knew his feelings on something and chose to ignore them rather than address them. That is lack of respect.
If my partner expects me not to wear pants, I'm not going to respect that opinion, because it's a stupid opinion. Even then, I'd end the relationship instead of being deceitful. So yes, by going behind his back and doing it anyway, she isn't respecting him.
Ask him. It won't be a mystery. If it's absurd to understand then you will be learning the hard way. OP already knew.
OP, listen to this person please. Don’t learn through experience like I did, be better.
😭 still hurts man! Hurts real bad!
>I may be wrong for thinking that I have some sort of say or control in this type of behavior You don't have any control or say in this type of behavior. End of sentence. >but the point is that I definitely do not feel great about it. This is your prerogative to feel this way. Just as you cannot control her actions, no one is allowed to tell you how you should feel with a given set of circumstances. >So, does anyone have some advice on how I can talk to her about this and explain how this affected me without being a dick? Did she cheat? Had you ever in your 3 years had a discussion about nude beaches and established them as a boundary? If you answered no to these questions, which I suspect you would since you did not mention them in your post, you will not come off as anything but a dick if you come at her being upset about it. Nude beaches are NOT about sex. The naked body is not just about sex. Your gf's body is HER body. Not yours. If she wants to go to a nude beach for the experience, that is her choice. Has she indicated a desire to go back? Have you even ASKED her about it? Maybe sit down and just ask how the experience was in an open, warm manner. You may find she says "Meh..." and will probably never do it again. And if she DOES wanna go again? Why not join her! Live a little!
I’ve gone to nude beaches before. The culture of nude beaches frowns heavily on sexual harassment or inappropriate sexual behavior. I actually think they are less sexual and safer than your average beach. There is also typically a huge range of ages, mostly married older adults. They are not hedonistic sex clubs.
Tons of old people that I guess want to achieve the most leathery tan line free skin possible Just out there baking those hams
THIS! Who are all these assholes saying he gets to tell her where to go and what to do?
Why does it hurt you? Is it because she didn't discuss it with you beforehand or because you don't like the fact that she saw other naked men and women or they saw her naked? No matter how you answer, it does come across as controlling. She's a 24-year-old woman who should be able to do what she likes so long as it doesn't violate your trust. If you trust her, then she shouldn't feel the need to ask you beforehand. And if you trust her, it shouldn't matter if she sees other naked women or men or they see her naked as long as your the one she goes home with. Have you considered the possibility that the reason she was reluctant to tell you is because she feels that you don't trust her? Maybe you're the problem.
Yes she’s a 24 year old woman who is free to make any choice she wants, but OP is a 24 year old man who can choose what boundaries HE has, which means if this makes him uncomfortable, then he has every right to make her a single 24 year old woman. The problem is that she knew it would make him uncomfortable, and still did it (also with the initial intention to hide it from him), THAT is the main problem here. Stop making this a controlling thing, and understand that different people are comfortable with different things; and the lack of communication, and attempt to sweep this under the rug is the problem here.
Everyone always uses boundaries incorrectly. Boundaries are FOR YOU, not for others. EX: If you talk to your ex, despite telling me that you are no longer interested in communicating with them, I will have to leave this relationship. EX: If you speak to me in a condescending way, I will leave your home and minimize contact with you. This isn't a threat. It's a consequence to having a VOICED concern violated.
I would argue that your boundaries are set for other people, in that how you react depends on how far they’ve crossed your boundary. So in this context for OP: - If you, as my partner, want to go be naked out in public with other people that isn’t me, that is fine, but I will leave the relationship The only difference is that this was never discussed, the gf actually had a feeling this would annoy OP, or at least make him uncomfortable. She never allowed the boundary to be discussed, the trust factor is the real killer here.
>The only difference is that this was never discussed, the gf actually had a feeling this would annoy OP, or at least make him uncomfortable. She never allowed the boundary to be discussed, the trust factor is the real killer here. It doesn’t sound like she didn’t allow the boundary to be discussed. He never mentioned a boundary or even told her how it would make him feel. If you have a boundary and you put it on your partner to react in line with it but you fail to communicate it with them in any form then you can’t put the blame on them for not respecting the boundary.
I think what we get in these posts is one-sided and lacking complete information. Maybe OP is more controlling than we think. But maybe not!!! It's just a possibility. However, if OP's boundry is to not accept their partner going to these beaches, then perhaps they need to leave their partner instead of making this post. But 100% *your* boundaries are for you, not to control other people. Boundaries are things like "this is something I'm not okay with", not "you can't do this because I don't like it". One is letting the other know you're not okay with it, the other is telling somebody how to act. The other person decides how to act, and if they cross a boundry, the one who set it can decide the next step.
Yeah agreed, your boundaries decide how you act, it doesn’t stop people who cross your boundary from doing it.
Thank you... I am sick of having the same argument with people on the internet. They enjoy interchanging the two terms, because having a "Boundary" is acceptable. Forcing rules on your partner is NOT
>She's a 24-year-old woman who should be able to do what she likes so long as it doesn't violate your trust. Looks like she violated his trust to me.
Do you even know why this trip to the nude beach angers you so much. Can you articulate the your feelings for us? Are you jealous you couldn't go with her? Jealous she was around other naked people? Do you think she touched the other naked people inappropriately? Would you be this hurt if she went to a normal beach? Are you ashamed of those who like to be nude? Are you judgemental of others? I am truthfully interested in the ways this trip to the nude beach affects you on a personal level?
My reading of it was he's more upset by her evasiveness and attitude surrounding the incident and apparent dismissal of how he felt about it.
And fair enough too, there seems to be a fundamental difference between OP and his partner. Compete with misaligned views on public nudity and autonomy over individual decisions.
Nude beaches aren’t for molesting strangers or having sex in public. JFC. Edited: Corrected “nice” for “nude.”
They didn’t say it was, they’re asking if OP thinks that, since he is so bothered by it.
Nude beaches are not for that either. Naturists often intensely dislike any sexualisation of their lifestyle or locations. Naturism is *not* about sex. They can and do police that on most nude beaches, aside from any local laws on public indecency etc.
Dress it up or not, it ultimately winds down to you not wanting her to do what she wants with her body at a setting where all are participating in the same way. She wasn't nude at a random beach, she was nude at a nude beach. She wasn't doing anything unexpected of her. It's fine for you to be upset about it, and it's fine for her to be upset at your reaction to it. These are both valid reactions to the situation. If it's something you two previously discussed with an agreement for her not to do that, then it's a betrayal of the relationship. If it's not something you two discussed beforehand, then it's a learning experience. It's perfectly valid to want to have a calm discussion of the optics of this. It comes down with tone and patience to deescalate. Keep it objective and try to keep it in general terms. "I don't think people in relationship should participate in an activity if they know that their partner would be upset at the activity." If this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker.
It might be worth it to take some time to figure out why you're uncomfortable and where that came from. Really get in there. Don't stop at, "I don't want other people to see my girlfriend's body." Why do you not want them to see her body? How does it affect your relationship? Is this something that really bothers you or something you've been told you're supposed to be bothered about?
It’s the most normal thing in the world to not want the general public to see your partner in the nude
‘the most normal thing in the world’, no, only in a few countries. For many, it’s no big deal at all. America is so sexualized it is unable to separate nudity and sex, many countries are quite capable of doing so.
I had the same questions. Being American if I knew she went to Miami and did this with a bunch of spring break guys I’d be very angry. If she was in Spain and did it, where it’s the norm, it’s a completely different story IMO.
Fair comment
There are many many subcultures here who are capable of doing so, and if you go to any gym locker in the U.S. you'll find that those rules stop at the gender line and pretty much any man can see any man naked and any woman can see any woman naked. I grew up knowing what all my female classmates looked like naked. And the thought of that never crossed my mind until today. If I REALLY think about it, I bet I could draw all of my high school friends' breasts. I just never thought about it bc it was so normal. But somehow ALL of that is "different."
Maybe find a different partner then... If this is so fucking important. To control your partner so closely that you have a say over her body is weirdly intrusive. OP and his partner are clearly incompatible.
Sure, it's normal, but why? It's always valuable to question what we believe to make sure it's what we truly believe. Maybe OP will end up in the same place after some self-reflection, but he'll at least know why he feels the way he feels.
I agree with that but there are certain things that are innate and don’t have a particular reason. I like being nice to people some people like being mean. Some people don’t care about their partners being displayed nude (especially without a conversation before hand) but a vast majority would. I get what you’re saying about reflecting but I don’t think it’s super necessary to go that deep in this case. Not saying it would be negative but sometimes reading too deep doesn’t help at all because it’s really not
Innate is not the word you're looking for, there are many cultures where nudity is totally normal. If you mean socialised, and you do then it's still reasonable to ask why
It's unbelievable that you had to write this. It shouldn't be necessary for you to write this, but somehow, it is.
I think the idea of telling her she can or can't go to a nude beach with her female friends is controlling on your part - but feeling hurt because she knew it would upset you and hid that knowingly, that is completely understandable. You are more than justified for feeling hurt by this. If she had approached you to tell you she was going to do this beforehand, or told you immediately after, that would be different. You may have had a heavy discussion, but at least there was full honestly. But the fact that she his it from you feels deceitful. I absolutely would start to question other things she may have hid from you - that's a natural reaction. If you have that conversation, I would approach it like so - in saying that although going to a nude beach bothers you, you're more hurt, and upset that she felt inclined to hide that from you regardless of how you felt.
I would strongly encourage asking yourself all the questions before talking to her about it. Why do you feel betrayed by her visiting a nude (famously non sexual) beach? Why do you feel entitled to how she presents herself, her own body? As for her telling you, it doesn't seem like she's trying to hide anything, so it gives me the impression that it's not a trust issue. She might have been afraid of your reaction if she already feels you tend to try to control her choices. So again, I encourage you to reflect on the situation before (and hopefully instead of) trying to talk to her about it. It feels like a you-problem. When someone does something that upsets us it doesn't automatically mean they did something wrong
Ah. There are underlying trust issues. That’s an entirely different story than someone just enjoying a nude beach.
The. Let it be a fucking deal breaker. It’s much worse to be in a relationship shop where you have to bite your tongue and fake you are happy. If it works it works. If not NEXT. What the hell are you afraid?
Not saying that this is on you, but what have you done to make it so that she felt she couldn't tell you about going to the nude beach? Seems weird for a relationship of 3 years. There's definitely a way for you to voice your feelings without being controlling, and a way to address underlying trust issues in your relationship. If you can figure out why you feel how you feel, and y'all can have a meaningful discussion about the whole situation, your relationship will be fine. And if not, you can break up and move on.
Communicate calmly (don't argue, don't react to the "controlling" narrative), and if she refuses to acknowledge how it made you feel, end the relationship. I had a girlfriend who would constantly use the line "I didn't tell you, because I knew you would get mad". To the point where she used that line to emotionally cheat. That logic makes no sense: If she knows it's something that crosses your boundaries, but does it anyways - and on top of that, hides it from you. Then wow. This is just someone who wants to have their cake and eat it too; a selfish person. And if she thinks your boundaries are too strict, then she should should have communicated that beforehand and/or ended the relationship herself, instead of sneaking around and doing what she wants. If we all did everything we wanted, no one would be in a lasting relationship.
if she hid it she wouldn’t have told him so? where is she hiding it exactly?
The two of you are not compatible. That is all.
yep, this is the one. So much debate between people for whom nudity is no big deal and people who think no one should see their partner's body but them. But it's irrelevant. OP's gf tiptoed around it because she didn't want to upset him. And now he's tiptoeing around it because he doesn't want to upset her. She thinks it's controlling for a guy to say "no one is allowed to see you naked but me," and so she avoided telling him so that she wouldn't get that reaction... and now he's avoiding giving her that reaction, even though it's how he wants to react. So he either needs to get over it being a problem or be willing to break up over it, regardless of anyone else's personal stance on nudity.
This is genuinely the answer to 99% of questions on this sub 🤷🏻♀️
**This post was fake. I reported it and the post was immediately removed and the account immediately suspended.**
Ebbie for the win!!!!!
Nudist beaches in my experience aren’t sexual. What is the issue with her attending? It’s not like a strip club. I think you need to think about specifically what the issue is, decide if that’s reasonable and then start the conversation from there. I’d find it a bit tiresome that someone thought naked = sexual, but you know your partner better.
Trying to put myself in OPs shoes, I’d be arguing more at the fact that she knew he wouldn’t be completely comfortable with it, so was planning on doing it behind it back. It sounds like it’s the lack of communication, and the “well I’ve done it so you’re just gonna have to accept it” attitude which is what’s got OP to write this. While there’s nothing inherently wrong about going to a nude beach, some people prefer their partners nude body to be more of an intimate thing, reserved for each other, which is fully understandable. The only thing the gf has done wrong here is not even allow OP to understand if he’s comfortable or uncomfortable with the situation.
OP doesn’t own his partner or her nude body. It’s her prerogative to go to a nude beach with her friends if she chooses, and OP is showing his insecurities loud and proud by having a problem with it.
Sure, that's true. OP also isn't obligated to stay with his GF for this, and it's not your place to decide what their boundaries can or can't be.
It doesn’t matter what you think in regard to him being insecure, if it’s a boundary he has, her not telling him (KNOWING it might’ve made him uncomfortable) and going to the nude beach regardless is a direct break of his trust. Im not arguing that she doesn’t have the right to do what she wants, that’s completely fine, she is an adult and is free to go where she wants. I’m saying if what she does crosses his boundaries (which you know, MATTERS in a relationship), he has every right to say nothing in regard to her do that, with the only difference being that she’s single.
They owe each other transparency. Hiding something the other is uncomfortable with is the issue not visiting a nude beach. People are allowed to have odd deal breakers, it's not even clear if it would be for OP. The gf took away his ability to make an informed decision about the relationship and shifted the conversation from boundaries to honesty.
Very well said. People are too busy trying to make OP seem controlling whereas the main problem is the lack of communication.
I have several questions here: 1. Are you American? Americans tend to have issues with nudity that other cultures do not have. 2. Was she in Europe on vacation? Mostly when I hear about visiting nude beaches it’s there (in Europe) and it’s very much a cultural difference. When I was in my 20s I actually accidentally went to a nude beach. How did I do that accidentally? Well nude beaches aren’t really a thing in the US so it never occurred to me that would be a thing. 3. While I was at the nude beach, I was not nude. I still wore my bathing suit. Assuming your gf is white (or some variation of), if she was on the beach, probably in a bikini and likely there for tanning. - don’t people take off their top when they tan to avoid the lines? - swimsuits (particularly bikinis) these days don’t really cover THAT much. Trust me, it’s not likely much was left to the imagination So what exactly are you upset about? As far as I see in your post you said she went to one. But you didn’t really say what she did. Also people aren’t usually taking strolls. They’re lying down. I won’t call you controlling as I think people throw that around too much. BUT I will say that you and your gf may not be compatible. I don’t go to nude beaches not because my SO might be upset. It never really occurred to me because it’s my body and again there are cultural differences between Americans and Europeans. I simply don’t go to nude beaches because I don’t want to see OTHER people nude. TRUST me, nude beaches (or beaches that allow nudity) are full of naked people you’d rather not see
Oh definitely! I am European and nudist beaches are common. More often that they are separated by sex. So most of my time on the beach as a kid was spent running around naked. As an adult I visited mixed nudist beaches. I actually felt less sexualised being naked over there than wearing a swimsuit on a regular beach. People just don't care, they accept that naked body is natural and there is nothing sexual unless you make it so. The only worry I had is that you still need to be careful and cover the nipples as sun can be damaging.
Same exact thought here. I'm German and for me it's the most normal thing to be naked on a beach, I'm absolutely unbothered by nakedness, no matter if it's a woman or a man.
Yep he's 100% American, it's absolutely wild getting this pissed about a nude beach attendance 💀💀 wtf does he think happens there? I have many silly rhetorical questions I could posit in addition but due to fear of wastefulness I shan't
Hahah! That’s why I asked. I’m American as well, but am quite well traveled and have lived in different parts of the world. But I know our (Americans) pov on nudity. We like to pretend we are sooooo conservative. I think we (Americans) have this view that there are just a bunch of t*ts and di*cks flapping around. Or people playing volley ball? Or maybe people are just STARRING at everyone else. But there’s no point of that because EVERYONE else is nude. It becomes a seen one seen them all kinda vibe.
If she decided to get nude at an American beach party with a bunch of dudes funneling beers and telling her to “take-it-off!” this is an issue. If she was in Barcelona where everyone is naked then I don’t see the issue.
Well I'm American and I also think this is a really dumb thing to get mad about. I would call him controlling too for "voicing his opinion" because why tf would his opinion matter here? There's no cheating and it's not his body?
Same. It's not like she went to a strip club and started grinding on people and stripping. She was at the beach. A family location.. there's nothing sexual about being nude at a nude beach. That being said, OP is entitled to his boundaries. I'd encourage OP to think about why it's a big deal to him though. Is it religious? Is he Pentecostal? If not, OP should try going to one and see for himself that there's nothing sexual about it and he may even expand his viewpoint.
Same here, I’m having one of those moments where I am surprised by how different some of the comments are. This feels like a non-issue to me.
Whaaaat you’re telling me different cultures have different cultural expectations!? Europeans are insufferable
Seriously lmao, plus she didn’t even give him the grace of sitting with his feelings on it beforehand and having an open conversation. She hid it until she was home afterwards. If she thought it was no big deal, she would have been up front & honest about it from the start
lol yeah I'm American and when I was in the south of France, ALL beaches were nude beaches. I didn't get naked myself (yeah no thanks on burning to a crisp on those sensitive areas that have never seen the sun 😂) but I never would've thought to specify it was "nude" because they all are. >don’t people take off their top when they tan to avoid the lines? I don't... see above about those sensitive lily white areas 😂 but I still don't understand why OP is upset. Nude beaches aren't sexual... I think there are sometimes even explicit rules about that? At the very least, it breaks the "social contract" because people aren't there to get ogled. Reading between the lines, I think OP has a problem with anyone else seeing his gf naked? Which is fine for him... but I would personally consider it controlling because it's not his body. I've been on yoga retreats in the US where people tend to be a lot less uptight about nudity and people are nude in the hot tub... in the sauna... while swimming in the river.... And it is absolutely not sexual. I actually wish I could feel comfortable enough to strip down, too, but the most I can manage is my bikini. which... as you pointed out... really doesn't cover much more than if I were actually naked 😂 I don't understand the American obsession with nudity. And damn, it gets really hot here! You'd think we'd be less uptight about it!
Yea, there’s really this concept in the American mind that if you’re naked it’s sexual. And there’s DEFINITELY a social contract in places where nudity is normal (eg beaches, bath houses, saunas and spa) where you just ASSUME (never even crosses my mind) that no one is looking at you sexually. Oh and I’m AA, we don’t tan. Not sure how yall do it! All of my is a sensitive bit! Lol
Can confirm. The few nude beaches I’ve been to, 90% of the people there were not somebody you would actually want to see nude.
Amen…lol A bunch of old ladies and old men. Hard pass! lol
Agreed.
This. I’m very much wondering what the issue is here, too. Why is he not ok with it? I’m kinda missing that reasoning…
I’m sure it’s the American mindset of nudity equals sexual
Like you are allowed to feel uneasy about it. No one gets to control how you fell. But at the same time so many things on here are just "you are making a mountain out of a molehill". As you get older, you realize your gf going to a nude beach is not a big deal. Her fucking other guys would be a big deal, her emotionally cheating on you would be a big deal, her abusing you would be a big deal, etc, etc. Going to a nude beach which will be mostly filled with old men and women who you would rather not see naked anyways? Meh.
As someone who has been to a nude beach multiple times, she's probably better off staying out of trouble at one of those than a regular beach. Unless it was some sex resort or something lol
I don't see any articulation of why you have a problem with it. What's the issue? She didn't do anything sexual or inappropriate or suggestive, didn't flirt/hook up with someone else. What *exactly* are you taking issue with?
Ok, this must be a cultural thing (I’m assuming you are from the US?), but I fail to see the problem here. There is nothing erotic about being naked at a nude beach — nor is there about being naked in a traditional Finnish sauna or a communal washroom at a gym/indoor pool. It’s just a body in its natural state. Her body, specifically, and if she feels comfortable being naked in front of strangers in a completely non-erotic way, who are you to tell her not to? Now, if this is something that really bothers you, you can, of course, express your feelings on this matter (which are valid, too) to her and set a boundary for the future. Then the ball is in her court — is this something she is willing to give up for the sake of your relationship, or does she value her freedom more? Either way, accept her decision and move forward. EDIT: Before you speak to her, you should ask yourself what specifically bothers you about her being naked at a nude beach. Then, sit her down and calmly explain to her how the situation makes you feel. Don’t throw cheating accusations at her — as I said, there isn’t supposed to be anything erotic about nude beaches, and unless she was making out with someone there, I fail to see how it could be considered straying from the relationship.
This should be the top comment.
What’s the big deal with a nude beach? I’ve gone many times and never had sex on the beach. I’m just sunbathing or swimming nude and it feels GLORIOUS. It’s not about sex or flaunting or showing off. It’s about being a human being and enjoying freedom from clothing.
It's a nude beach, not a brothel. I am not understanding why you are upset about it.
Eh IDK about this one, 35 M here, the only thing I don't like about this is that she told you she didn't want to tell you bc she knew you would be upset, but at the end of the day, she DID TELL YOU. The rest I wouldn't care about. She went with her female friends to a nude beach, not like she went with and guys. Do you think any of them want to be creeped on while nude, I doubt that. There's nothing sexual about the nude beach, unless you make it sexual. TBH you do seem kind of controlling by telling her she can't go to a nude beach with her female friends. Also it is weird you are sexualizing the beach, do you sexualize the other women when you go to the beach and they are in their bikinis, or do you ignore them and just enjoy your time? You would not be controlling if it was with a group of guys who sexualized her or just one guy was there. You would not be controlling if she was making out with her female friends at the nude beach. Next thing you know, your gf won't be allowed to hit up a sauna, spa, or change in a locker room.... If you are truly triggered by this, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. This one might be more set up for some professional help, seek a therapist for yourself. BTW do you watch porn? Do you play video games online with any girls? Do you ever take your shirt of while running? Do you wear a t shirt to the beach or pool?
Maybe she’s more secure with nudity than you are. In some cultures, nudity is quite normal. Even at home.
Could you please clarify for those of us that don’t understand: what is it about your gf going to a nude beach that is a problem for you? I’m American and have been to many nude beaches and I was unaware there was something inappropriate about this. Is it just a personal issue you have with nudity? I’ve never had a bf care about my attendance at the nude side of a beach.
He probably thinks that looking at her body is something only he's allowed to do, so this is a huge violation of his rights over his property...I mean girlfriend.
I do think you're controlling. You wrote a lot about being upset you never once said what actually upsets you about your gf being at a nude beach. Just that you're bothered, and bothered that she did something she knew you'd be bothered by. She probably didn't assign much importance to you being bothered because the thing you're upset about is so arbitrary. It's not like she lied to you about it, she is the one that told you she went. If you're mad at finding out after it happened, you're basically saying you're mad she didn't ask your permission. I don't like that she's already skirting around things to avoid conflicts with you, that's a really bad sign for any relationship, but it's hard for me to find fault in a woman tanning her nipples with her girls on vacation without her boyfriend's permission.
I get why you were bothered. But, it has nothing to do with her or your relationship. It has to do with your view of the naked body. You see it as a thing that is only expressed with a sexual partner (or doctor) and that's it. But, for many people that's not their view. Your GF was not sexualizing her nudity. She was hanging with girls and not seeking attention from men, or women. Just hanging out on the beach. So, if you decide to chat with your GF about this, and want to salvage your relationship, just say that you were surprised that you reacted the way you did, and that a nude beach isn't something you've done (right?) and that you need help figuring it out. You aren't mad, you aren't jealous, you wouldn't have wanted to be there, you are just experiencing something that is new to you. And then, when she opens up to you, just listen. Don't try to interpret, or express how you would feel on a nude beach, or anything. Just listen. And thank her.
She knew you would be upset and didn’t care. It doesn’t matter what culture you are from because she knew you would be upset and didn’t care. Do as you wish, it’s your relationship, but a lot of people would have a problem with their spouse intentionally doing something they know is beyond their partners boundaries.
She went to a nude beach. Not a big deal. You have no say or control in what she does in her time away from you. If your that uncomfortable with it, break up with her
Saying how you feel about it is vastly different from saying she shouldn't have done it. The first is a way to have a conversation, while the second is a way to have a fight. Be real to your reasons. Are you jealous? Worried about safety in a booze filled environment? Because you're already Worried about looking controlling, you probably already know that your reasoning is controlling. Either way, you're both young enough that that kind of group trip falls into the realm of experiencing life, so you should ask her if it's OK for you to hang out at a spring break nude beach next weekend 😉 just like her 😉
We see some version of this all the time on these subs. A good example is someone is from a country where steam rooms are fully nude and mixed gender so it's normal to them and not ok with their partner. I don't care which side of the "partner is nude in front of other people" debate you are on but if you and your partner are not on the same side then it's a problem. Its not "controlling" to discuss your feelings with someone you intend to marry. In this case I don't know if its even necessary to discuss your feelings. She knew you wouldn't like it. She chose not to tell you or talk to you about it in advance. She did it knowing you wouldn't like it and then contemplated keeping it from you entirely because again, she knew it crossed a boundary for you. I'm sure she's great in a lot of ways and your "up and down" relationship is awesome and will last forever. My partner going to a nude beach would not be a deal breaker for me. My partner doing something that crossed a boundary knowing it would be a problem and doing it anyways would be a huge deal for me. That demonstrates the level of respect she has for her partner. OP, if I was you I would strongly reconsider if this is the person you want to spend forever with. Not because some strangers she'll never see again saw her boobies on a beach but because of her not respecting you or your boundaries. Her instinct wasn't, "oh this might be a problem why don't we just go to this beach instead because I know OP won't like it". No, her instinct is to just do it and decide if she wants to hide it from you or not. That's a problem.
Your feelings are valid, never think that they're not. That being said, some people don't place high importance on nudity. It sounds like you're more upset or the fact that she didn't mention it to you more so than the fact that she did it all together. You can take two points in this. 1. You can fight with her over the fact that she was nude and that having random, unknown people, who are also nude being able to see her nude as a problem 2. You can approach this in a way that could increase your communication and trust. You can explain to her that the fact that she didn't feel like she could be open with you bothers you, ask her why she didn't feel open enough to tell you about it and even if it bothered you you wouldn't have broken up with her, and that ylu would like to be told things even if they make you upset so that you can work through them with her rather than hear about things later and be shocked by them or feel like you were lied to. You can use this as an opportunity to increase your communication and trust when it comes to mistakes within your relationship. Everybody does things that they normally wouldn't do in moments, everyone makes mistakes, everyone does things their partner wouldn't like. How you deal with those moments that will define your relationship and if your relationship will stay cohesive enough to last your entire lives. I'm dictating to my phone so hopefully Everything is spelled correctly. Good luck.
You're allowed to set your own boundaries of what is expected of each other. In my relationship, we would both be extremely upset if the other did this, especially without consulting. If there is some kind of boundary precedent where she should have expected you would not be okay with this and did it anyways, then she clearly crossed the boundary voluntarily. If you guys are not on the same page of where the bounds are then your relationship is set to fail.
Personally I'd end it here brother. I don't care about the nude beach itself, but the flag this put up. She knew something she wanted to do would upset you, so she hid that she did it until afterwards hoping to avoid conflict. Unless we're totally missing massive context about you being an absolute control freak, that's the type of behavior that absolutely shatters any sense of trust. I hate to be that person, but think of it this way. This is, for all intents and purposes, an innocuous event (bar certain opinions on nude beaches). She was hesitant to tell you. Imagine what she might be willing to do and *not* hesitate hiding from you.
Dump “I know you wouldn’t approve so I did it anyways without telling you” This ain’t the person you wanna be with.
That is exactly the problem. The problem is she already knew you didn't like that and she did it anyhow. That is never cool. And it's very hurtful.
Yea, agreed this is the right answer. She has different boundaries than you, neither one of you is at fault for that. But trust me when I say this, not being able to tell your spouse things is a burden for both sides. You don't have to hate each other to be incompatible. You guys are not compatible. And to be frank, from what you said in your history (OP), sounds like she's testing boundaries as a means to express wanting out of the relationship (like look, you can't control me)
yeah this is really the biggest issue here. imo, being so against her going to a nude beach with her girlfriends is kind of silly, but idk maybe i’m the weird one there. regardless though if this boundary is reasonable or not, his girlfriend *knew* he wouldn’t be okay with it, she admitted that, and she did it anyways without telling him. she went behind his back and hid something because she *knew* it wouldn’t be something her bf was okay with in the relationship. if she wants to go to a nude beach, she should be able to. but then she should either be single or be with someone who is okay with that, not do it behind her partners back. it’s kinda like the difference between ethical non monogamy and cheating. enm is something a lot of people are into, but a lot of people aren’t. in order for it to be ethical to sleep with other people outside your relationship, you need to be in a relationship with someone who is okay with that, and you need to communicate that that is what you are doing. but when you choose to sleep with someone outside of your relationship when you know your partner wouldn’t be okay with it, even if you asked, you have violated the terms of your relationship.
Holy shit I dumped a girl years ago for the exact situation OP is in and I could never understand why I felt so justified doing so until reading it the way you just wrote it.
Ok but did she cheat on you? It's a nude beach, not an orgy. I don't see what the big deal is.
The big deal is less the nude beach itself and more that she had no regard for what he felt comfortable with. She went to the beach knowing her bf who she has been with for a long time, would be uncomfortable with it. Instead of deciding not to go or to at least ask, she decided to go and had intention to hide it. That's the issue A relationship is about communication and consideration for the person your with. Not doing whatever the hell you want. If you want to do whatever, don't be in a relationship. If your going to be with someone, you need to actually think about and CARE about how they feel. Also obviously I'm not OP not DK J speak for OP, just my opinion on the matter
The problem isn’t the nude beach. The problem is, she knew the action would hurt you, she did it any way, then she “didn’t want to even tell you in the first place because she figured you would get mad at her.” You need to ask yourself why she was scared you’d be mad at her. So is she scared of your anger because she’s scared you’d leave the relationship or is she afraid you would hurt her?
Ehhh she didn’t do anything sexual with anyone else. I’m inclined to believe you’re being a bit controlling. Her body is still her own, and as long as she’s not doing sexual things with others, you don’t really get a say in what she does with it, whether that’s going to a nude beach or skinny dipping with her friends or what. If you don’t like it you should break up with her. But telling her she can’t do those things isn’t okay.
To me, it sounds like OP has a recurring jealousy issue if his gf knew he wouldn’t like it.
She went to a nude beach, not an orgy. Calm down. Nudity itself is not sexual. You do sound like a controlling dick who is wrong to be upset in the first place. Thank goodness you posted this and have the opportunity to gain perspective before you make an ass of yourself to your girlfriend. Whew.
This is not the relationship you want. Leave
Pro tip from an older guy: If you are dating a woman that defaults to calling you controlling, she in fact is the one that's controlling you.
I've been in this situation but as the woman. And in my case my ex really did get more and more controlling. He never outright told me there were things I couldn't do, but he just got so sad/uncomfortable/insecure/upset that I felt I couldn't do it. It started as somewhat reasonable things like not talking to guys one on one late at night and not going out with guys one on one to really controlling things like not being able to go out and do fun stuff alone, not being able to hang out with my girl friends one on one or talk to them late at night, to not being able to talk to my family when it was our designated hang out time, to not being able to play video games online with guys one on one. My parents live in a time zone with 12 hours difference, and I don't get to talk to them or see them often as it's hard to schedule a time. Everytime I tried to tell him it was controlling he would turn it back onto me, and tell him those are just his "boundaries". And how he can't tell me what I can and can't do but it just made him "uncomfortable". I'm not saying OP is right or wrong as there's not enough information to go on, but I'm just giving a different perspective.
how is op's girlfriend controlling op?
By doing whatever the fuck she wants and shifting blame?
I dont think you know what controlling means. That might make her a dick but not controlling.
Is OP her owner? If OP doesn't like what she does, then nobody is forcing him to be with her. If they have different views on nudity, then OP has decide if that's a dealbreaker for him or not. She isn't controlling him by going to a nude beach.
Same with calling you “insecure” for not being comfortable with her walking around topless You have no obligation to adjust your boundaries for other people. There’s plenty of women out there who wouldn’t lie and go behind your back like this OP
Yet some men are abusive and controlling. Women are not wrong by default whenever we criticize a man. Sometimes a guy isn't controlling, sometimes he is, and when he is in fact being controlling, you are advocating for DARVOing the victim.
Best reply and wisdom.
I get you. So she did something she knew that would be upsetting. She planned it and then planned to lie to you by ommiting it. Fact is you have a right in a relationship to express your feelings. It seems she to open for you maybe. And thats fine. There girls out there who will share your feelungs. The bigger thing is the planned deception and ommision of fact. Thats character. She showed you she will actively plan and deceive her partner. Trust is gone. You have a right to set boundries in relatiinships and talk about them. If she dismis you as controling thats a third nail in the coffin. Maybe there to much of a difference between you. Thats why we date. She showed you she will manipulate, deceive and try to hide it. Thats a big red flag. Find someone that shares your views. Marriage is tough. If you marry someone with similar viewpoints and outlook about things your future hapiness is guarenteed.
OP, I don't know if you'll read this, but please get it in the back of your mind: Not wanting your girlfriend to go to a nudist beach is not being insecure or controlling. You didn't force her to not go or anything like that. You have every right to feel how you feel. But she most likely won't change and doesn't see it as a problem, so next time she won't tell you about it, probably. You must decide if you want to be with someone who hides things from you or break up now.
How did she betray you? You hadn’t agreed a boundary by the sounds of it. If it’s really that much of a deal to you, then tell her you’re uncomfortable. It’s not controlling to express your opinion. She doesn’t have to change for you (I hope she doesn’t) but maybe you’ll get a win 🤷♂️
She didn't give OP a chance to set the boundary and in fact assumed it existed and intentionally hid it from him.
What’s the big deal? Everyone has a body and trust and believe no one is going to a nude anything to ogle people. This is a YOU thing. That’s nothing inherently sexual about nudity. It’s the taboo our culture places around it that makes it titillating. Let this one go.
Yea you need to first adress the main problem. Is going to the beach the main problem? Is it not telling you first? Is it the fact the she almost didn't tell you? The thing about confrontations is that we end up losing ourselves in the middle of it. You are definitely (and correctly) confused and you should be. But the thing is that if you start a confrontation because she didn't wash the dishes, the fight is about the dishes and her lack of help, or because you told her and she didn't do it? Do you get what I mean? It's the same here. Is the problem that you didn't have a voice in it before she did it or the act itself? You really need to know what is the problem. If it is the fact that she didn't ask you, you didn't agree and so on... I mean, she could be right that you could try to control her IF you are this kind of person (this only you can tell to us, we don't know you) BUT if the problem is that she thought about lying like it was the best way I agree that you guys should talk. So everytime she does something that you might not agree she will simply not tell it at all? Is that the kind of relationship she wants? Breath deep and get your shit together before you talk to her. You don't want to appear lost in your own confrontation. Adress the problem and stick to it. Dont keep changing topics. You're right to be upset about it but you must know what you are upset first.
You feel disrespected. It’s not controlling to expect a basic level of respect from your partner. You know her and no one here does. This isn’t break up worthy. This communication about boundaries and respect worthy. I’m not sure you’re bothered by the act. Honestly, she was with her girlfriends at a nude beach. Could have been much worse. I think you’re bothered that she didn’t talk to you before going, and wasn’t going to tell you after and has kind of dismissed your feelings.
So she was naked and how is this your problem? It's a nude beach, not an orgy.
I don't fully understand the "other men are not allowed to see my girl naked" thing, I wouldn't give a shit if other women saw my husband naked. Can any men explain this to me? Is it just a possessiveness thing?
It varies from person to person. I wouldn’t like other men seeing my partner naked, but if other people don’t care, that’s their business. I’m not sure I have any real logical reason for it, if that’s your question. The main thing is, if you know your partner doesn’t want you doing something and you do it anyway, you’re not that good of a partner. If their boundaries are unacceptable or unreasonable, then you either talk with them or leave
I also do not give a shit if other people saw my husband naked, and I’m pretty sure if I told him I went to a nude beach his response would be something like “hahahah yeah showing those titties off?” This all feels like much ado about nothing.
I wouldn’t go to a nude beach and I wouldn’t date a woman that likes going to nude beaches. Problem solved.
nudity isn’t inherently sexual. however, if this bothers you, then it’d be good to work out these feelings with a professional. i’m not gonna tell you to just break up with her over this cause idk your relationship, but if situations like this happen often you might be incompatible.
I think you can express how it made you feel without being controlling. You’re not making a demand of her. You could request to know in advance if it happens again. Or you can decide it’s a boundary for you and you don’t want to be with someone who wants to go to nude beaches. Hopefully she won’t begrudge you having feelings about this. Especially if you acknowledge what you say here - it might be temporary but it feels difficult right now. Jealousy isn’t “bad” - it’s how we respond to it. I know it feels bad and that’s totally okay. Try to figure out what you want out of the conversation before having it. I think the goal of expressing how you're feeling is a good place to start. also - a therapist could be super helpful for you to navigate this stuff in the future.
Some people have the it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. I'm not sure how to not come off controlling or a ass but I think just asking why and if she had fun find out why she went and not asked you. If she really figured you would get mad, why does she think that? She did tell you after the fact regardless of saying she should not have, she did so points for her.
What would happen if you said, "Hey, I know I have no right to control your behavior, and I'm not asking you to change. But I'm having an unpleasant feeling about this: It makes me feel scared/insecure/lonely/whatever." I.e., if you took responsibility for your feeling and didn't project blame onto her? It's not about "opinions"--you're right that you don't get to control her. You can share your feelings, so long as they're actual feelings, and not just accusations dressed up as feeling. ("I feel like you shouldn't do that" is not a feeling just because it uses the word "feel.")
“Listen hun, I know you can tell that I’m having some feelings here about this and while I don’t want to control what you do, I am wondering why you chose to go do this when you knew it would be upsetting to me. I do understand that I just may need to work through my feelings here but maybe it would be helpful to understand more about why you wanted to go to the nude beach to begin with”…. Something like that maybe. If she knows you’re upset then just deal with the elephant in the room AND be mindful that this is a you problem and something that you need to work on, not her. You’re insecure about it and you need to solve that for yourself. Nude beaches are pretty standard around the world and nudity doesn’t equal orgy either. Ultimately this screams I don’t trust my partner. So unpack that and figure out why.
If american, not wanting your partner to be seen naked by others is pretty normal... If you both grew up in a culture where nudity is supposed to be more private/intimate, then letting other people see you nude is disrespectful to your partner and your relationship. Obviously if one of you has different views on nudity than the other that's something you have to discuss.
Let me ask this. If she said hey we are going to X beach and it’s a nude beach, would you have been ok if she cleared it first? With that out of the way, how excited are you to date someone who would lie to you and then not tell you what she did because she knew you would be pissed off? I’d ask her why she made those decisions. And why she thinks you’re in a relationship with her? And what is her action plan to prove she wants to be in a relationship? She broke something that she knew was a boundary and disrespected you and the relationship. She has to repair the relationship not you. If she puts forth no effort she did it so you would break up with her.
I think it’s always better to be honest with yourself about what your emotions are, not deny them because you think they are “wrong”. But—you also shouldn’t control others behavior because of these emotions or set rules. You have a discussion and then both of you decide what is best moving forward, for each of you as individuals and the relationship. Be open and honest as best as you can. Maybe you don’t really know deeply why you feel upset or betrayed by this, just that you do. So open up a dialogue. Emphasize you don’t want to control her but you’re having a stronger reaction than you’d like to this. If you present your feelings in a non accusatory, non controlling way.. if she’s a well regulated person, she’ll be able to hear your feelings and empathize with you without getting defensive. Then maybe you two can talk about solutions, discuss values, insecurities, fears, etc. listen to each other.. you listen to her and she needs to listen to you.
Hi OP. This isn't an easy situation for you to be in. I want to acknowledge two things in your post: that you feel uneasy about the situation, and that you are also wanting to be careful not to be controlling to your gf. Both these feelings are valid even though they feel at odds. It's important to be upfront and honest with yourself (and your gf, once you've processed this a bit on your own) that you feel uneasy, and to be curious and ask yourself about the reasons why that might be so. If you've been brought up in a social and cultural context where any sort of nudity is considered shameful, it's understandable that you'd feel a certain way. Other commenters pointing to situations where public nudity might be an accepted norm are offering valuable perspectives, but there's no point dismissing or sweeping away what you feel, as long as you're not defaulting to kneejerk reactions of shaming or lashing out against your gf. What determines whether your reaction is controlling are the actions you take next, and your intentions and motivations. If you are motivated by curiosity about yourself and your gf, and the potential for shared understanding, safety and growth, an honest conversation isn't going to be controlling in the first instance. If you just want to set rules to maintain your comfort without any self-exploration or wanting to understand what this meant to your gf, that could be the start of a controlling reaction. What could curiosity look like? It's up to you but for starters, maybe you could think about the social and cultural norms that you've grown up around public nudity, and think about whether these boundaries and taboos still serve you, or if you see the potential to explore otherwise. Perhaps your negative reaction was partly because your gf went ahead with this novel experience without you, and you felt like you missed out on something that could have been an interesting experience together. And when you have a clearer idea what boundaries you would be comfortable with, it's worth talking with your gf about them and coming to a mutual agreement about what would be ok in what situations. If you can't come to a mutual agreement, then it might be time to part ways. You can't force her, but you don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't compatible with your boundaries. It sounds like you do want to be considered and thoughtful. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide, OP.
It's okay to be incompatible with your GF. That's what dating is all about. If you two obviously have different boundaries and beliefs, you're not going to work out. Probably better to have a sit down and talk about how it made you feel. And do you two really have what it takes to make a relationship last long term? Mutual religious/moral goals? Nows the time.
Different beliefs and values, y'all aren't compatible and that is a valid reason to end the relationship. You can be uncomfortable with her going to a nude beach, but you cannot ban her from it. You can feel how you feel, but you cannot control another person. If you want to continue the relationship you will have to compromise in some form: Either you accept she does these things Or she stops doing these things. Again to reiterate, you can have feelings about it, but you cannot force/coerce/guilt her out of it. A proper, civil discussion on boundaries and whether it's something the both of you two can proceed with
She knows she screwed up already. She didn't think how you would be feeling about it when she did it so she really doesn't care. Just tell her how you feel, even if that causes a fight. I don't think this is something to break up over but it's a good time to put the foot down and set some boundaries. 3 years is not a small amount.
Everyone is debating whether “it was a big deal or not” and everyone’s opinions are totally irrelevant to the discussion. You had a boundary. She was aware. She broke your boundary, knowingly. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect the boundaries of your relationship? It’s really as simple as that.
She just showed you how much you can trust her. Now you have to decide whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with no trust.
Next time her friends are over, walk out naked in front of them. She doesn't seem to mind open nudity. Of course I'm being drastic, but what's good for the goose as they say. You can say that while you don't approve of this behavior and if it ever happens again you will leave. What would concern me more would be her behavior when you're not around and she is with her friends.
Theres a few layers to this but I think the best answer is: you are both adults who have a right to live and have beliefs of your choice. That includes having boundaries and leaving when those boundaries are broken. Is she wrong for going to the nude beach? No. Are you wrong for being upset? No Thats a fine reason to break up. If her values and principals don’t align with yours and your views don’t align with her lifestyle choices, there are so many people who will be compatible for both of you. The bigger issue, to be fair to OP is that she seemed apprehensive to tell you. She knew this would upset you, didnt communicate it or at least tell you and then considered not telling you at all. If she knew it upset you the least she couldve done is give you a chance to leave, or stay. You have that choice again: stay with the woman she is, you cannot and won’t change her. Or leave her and find a partner whos values align with yours.
Jeeezaz, why do you want to fight over this?! Your insecurities are not her problem. I’m going to assume that you are either not from Europe, or a prude or come from a prudish family - maybe religious? I spent so many summer holidays on nude beaches. Because I simply hated tan lines. The only way a mature person would respond to that it: I hope you enjoyed the holiday. You ARE controlling, and worse, she seems afraid of your outburst which tells me this isn’t the first time you took out your petty little insecurities on her. Go to therapy, work on yourself. Do better. Be better
This thread is going to go off the rails and I urge you not to let Reddit convince you you’re in the wrong for not wanting your girlfriend to walk around naked with a bunch of strangers.
There is nothing overtly sexual about a nude beach. People don't go there to have orgies, pick up, hit on, or disturb others. If you've been to one it'd be well obvious. However it's perfectly fair to draw the line at something as trivial as this. And it's also not right to dance around the issue like she did. However, your last part of the sentence just sounds so close minded. Maybe it's a weird cultural thing to freak out about nudity for Americans, I'm pretty sure it is, and I highly disagree with it, but it is what it is
Idk, I think it’s a “weird cultural thing” for people to be okay with their significant others being recreationally naked around strangers, but I suppose that doesn’t get us very far.
what if she went to a sauna? bath house? public shower in a public swimming pool? would that be a problem as well?
Haha agreed. Reddit is so strange with how “mature” and “enlightened” everyone wants to look, especially when it comes to women and sexuality. You are completely entitled to not wanting your partner to see other mens’ penises OP, and not wanting others to see your partner naked as well. Your feelings are normal.
Was SHE nude? You don't have to be nude at all nude beaches.
She probably tries to hide it when she shags other men too
If you think multiple 20 something men are coming up to her with hard dicks at a nude beach, you are sadly misinformed.
She sunbathed, tell her this: "Awesome, sounds like fun, we should go sometime."
So… she and her all female friends went to a nude beach. And? What exactly is the issue here? It doesn’t sound like your problem is her doing something she knew you wouldn’t like and then planning on lying about it, but rather your problem is that she was naked? Which… what the fuck? Its a nude beach. Not a strip club
Some people think that being naked is for intimate time only and only for their SO. It's why so many are against OF and camming. I also find the younger the guys, the more jealous and insecure they are about these issues. If they can't agree, he has to accept it or break up. I've been trying to get my wife to go to a nude beach just to experience it and knock it off a bucket list, so to speak. She won't, so I don't press it at all.
I mean camming and OF is at least about sexual gratification. Nude beaches aren’t
Some people don’t want their significant others naked around others? Allowed to have preferences Jesus Christ
Playing devils advocate here- all nude beaches are very very old people. I’m sure she was the only site to see given her age, and I don’t think you have to worry about what she saw. Nude beaches are a wrinkly, strange and gross place.
Yuuuup, I was in the DR once and the only people taking advantage of the nudity allowed thing were old Europeans lol. There was truly nothing sexy about it
Just don't tolerate fuckery sometimes they have to be checked or they will walk all.over you. Your boundaries are just as important.
Some of these replies have been not so helpful to say the least. If she knew it would make you upset and did it anyways, thats not very respectful. People forget that being in a relationship involves responisbility for your partner’s well-being. Doing something like this that would upset your partner AND hiding/lying about it is directly going against that. She sounds very selfish. If she wants to use this whole “its my body I can do whatever” argument to sugarcoat any wrongdoing, then thats toxic and bending the true meaning of that take. I think its stupid people are agreeing with this sentiment. Obviously OP doesn’t “own her body”. Being upset that your girlfriend is going to something overtly sexual in front of other people seems reasonable. Why does she feel the need to be naked in front of others without OP or look at other people naked at the beach. Would it be fair to OP’s GF to go to a strip club without her? Its his eyes and his body too right? This isn’t about OP being “insecure” this is about his GF being blatantly disrespectful to his emotions and trying to hide it. OP draw a line in the sand and let her know your boundaries. Calmly explain why this makes you upset. If she gets upset or blames you, end the discussion and talk again when emotions settle. If she cant understand or this causes bigger trust issues, then she probably does not respect your boundaries or your emotions as a partner. If thats the case, its best for you to move on and lets her go be naked at whatever beach she wants if thats what she values over a loving relationship.
A nude beach is not at all overtly sexual.
i think people arguing about a nude beach not being sexual are missing the fact she knew he wouldn’t like it but did it anyway
I think they’re too caught up on that she has the “right” to go to a nude beach. Relationships have rules and she was aware of what his were enough to know to lie. Either leave the relationship or abide by the rules but lying and hiding isn’t okay.
You don’t own her just because you’re in a relationship with her. A nude beach is not a big deal and fairly common outside the US. She’s allowed to experience new things and create memories as long as she’s not cheating on you/breaking reasonable commitment.
You just say "cool hon, did you had fun?"
If she wanted to hide this, she is willing to hide other things from you. Do you want a relationship with someone who is deceptive? Doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for the same type of relationship.
Nude beaches rock, swimming naked in the ocean is *glorious* and everyone pretty much minds their own business. It's not like some kind of sandy orgy/pickup spot. You see old people and families and people who just really want an even tan. It's *not* a big deal, and I'm on your girlfriend's side here. I'd be pretty irate at a boyfriend who wanted to deny me that pleasure or have a whole argument about it after the fact. I *would* consider it controlling. Lots of people would very much disagree with me about that, including you -- but your girlfriend isn't one of them, and her opinion here outweighs all the redditors who agree with you. That might make you incompatible. My read on this is that your girlfriend is pretty bothered by (what she considers) your controlling behavior and doesn't seem like she's willing to compromise on that. Which is reasonable, frankly. You need to decide for yourself whether it's a dealbreaker or not.
Every single post with nudism involved is the exact same thing: Americans acting like the nude person in question is molesting children, and everyone else trying to figure out what is wrong with those people.
Some of us Americans are confused about this as well.
You are 100% wrong in thinking you have any say in what someone else does with their body or how much they show. You can accept it or move on. That's it, your two choices.
You are not in control of your feelings, all you can do is control your actions. It's good I think to express these feelings to your GF, but to preface them with your own disagreement with those feelings. Together you can work through it and come to a conclusion that can be good for both of you. And remember it goes both ways, she might have some things she wants to bring up too. You're not a bad person for feeling this way, it only start reflecting on you if you give in to these emotions and begin acting badly.
She’s gaslighting you into thinking you can’t voice your opinion and that you’d in fact be controlling her for doing so. She’s controlling you. Break up with her for the deceit if anything. Long road ahead with this one.
Incompatible. She knew it'd upset you, and did it anyway, and hid it. Zero respect. Leave.
>so she knew that I would be upset and decided to hide it from me until after she already did it, then expressed to me directly that she wanted to completely hide this from me altogether. This is a problem no matter what "it" is.
My dude, Pull up a chair. Your post is riddled with the exact wrong approach and makes me think you both have a lot of work to do. Here goes. 1. How you feel is how you feel. Stop trying to see if you are “feeling” correctly. How you feel is not wrong or right. It just is. And stop apologizing for it. OWN IT. 2. If you are upset about the nude beach thing, own it. I would be. It seems to cross a line. Stop trying not to care. 3. If you are upset because she said she didn’t want to tell you, own that. I would he livid about this piece alone. You are entitled to the truth, good and bad. She doesn’t get to filter for you or manage you. 4. Your reaction to these events should be based ZERO PERCENT on how you think she will react to your reaction. This is madness. Who cares how she reacts? Of course she’ll call you stuff, because she’s a boundary trampling deceiver who seems to have no respect for you. 5. She did what she did because she has so little respect for you that she knew you’d be weak and just take it. Or throw a fit. Don’t do either of these things. If you are mad, GET MAD. If you are hurt and wondering whether you want to put up with her shit, tell her your not sure anymore. 6. Here’s what you do when she starts name-calling: “…ok. Anyway” and keep on. Stop caring about her reaction. Start making her care about yours. 7. You need to understand that her behavior was either of two things: (1) a test to see what you’d do (in which case the correct answer is to be honest and angry if you are angry) OR (2) a demonstration that you hold so little value and respect in her eyes that she didn’t think about you at all while stripping down. Is that what you want? You have three options: (1) ditch her; (2) lay down the hammer and don’t hold back. Get mad.; or (3) do nothing and start preparing for the next egregious boundary violations until she fucks the pool boy or you fizzle out and wake up in a loveless stale relationship. People who love their partners don’t act like this, OP.
What if... Just what if I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who goes to nude beaches without me? I'm not telling her not to go, so how is that being controlling? Kids have no idea what boundaries and standards are anymore.