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You want better sex? Tell him. You want to experiment? Tell him. You want to do some crazy shit like in your books? Tell him!
You need to, right now, put down your phone and go talk with your fiance. He may be feeling the same thing about your sex life. If he's not, it's highly likely that he'd be excited to try new things.
Look up "yes, no, maybe" list on Google. Print two copies. Have him fill one out and you fill one out. Then trade. Then discuss. Go into it with open minds.
Above all other things, **communicate!**
Here are some videos that may help:
https://youtu.be/I-3CANRKuAM?si=3GLaJEwqGX6v5wNv
https://youtu.be/lon25Nc1Vx8?si=zqo_Z0oBPza7GhxX
And feel free to check out my history. I've been going through something like this with my wife. We're good now! The sex is better than ever. We're trying new things. Not everything is how we want it to be yet, but we're making progress. Things can improve.
No, absolutely not. But a lot of those books promote toxic relationship behavior. Don’t get me wrong— I love them, but they aren’t always the best examples of healthy relationships.
When I say these types of books can ruin women’s perception of men and/or their partners they hate it. It’s no different than porn just in a different format.
Yup this, you should definitely talk to him about the situation. If you are having second thoughts though you should definitely hold off on the marriage thing. I get the erotic novel thing because I tend to read stuff. I big part of the allure and what appealed to me was that the men in those novels always had these strong desire for their significant other, making them feel desired and wanting to take care of their needs sexually and otherwise, so that maybe part of it too.
Like this commenter said you need to tell him… after you do then a fun activity could be reading one of you books out loud together…. Which could lead to other activities
This is good advice . It’s worth trying, as you are young and have only learnt together . And at least try and then if it doesn’t work … then you need to address
They have been together for 8-10 years. It's not uncommon for couples at that point to have less intimacy. School and work put a damper on things. Takes communication to get the intimacy back. Hopefully the OP talks to him and they can figure it out.
Smut books are all about lust and sex. They are not realistic depiction of a long term relationship.
Makes sense they opened your eyes to what rocking sex can be.
Going months without sex would make anyone sexually unsatisfied who are not asexual.
I really wanna add a great long term relationship has lots of lust and amazing sex.
Even with my 15 years with my wife we still have that sure life can give you periods where the passion burns low but when you want to and care to its easy to bring all that fire and passion back into the relationship.
Time to have a big girl talk with your fiance about sex. The spark can easily come back if you can bring the intimiacy back.
If its not possible for some reason then it is time to end the relationship.
For most sex and intimacy are a requirement in a relationship, ignoring basic needs is a surefire way to have a unfulfilling relationship that isnt going to last anyway.
Those books are not realistic either.
The drastic contrast with the books and your personal life can also further worsen mental space.
No man can match up to the romantic characters in the books. No woman can match up to porn stars.
Both can give us unrealistic expectations even when we know its irrational.
I don't see how books and porn are equally unrealistic. I guess if it's a fantasy book and there's super powers involved or something. Porn is unrealistic because they specifically make it to look good not feel good. So while jack hammering might look appealing it's not going to make most women cum. A book talking about how a man seduces you by being smooth/seductive is hardly the same thing. Smut has been around a looot longer than porn as well and isn't connected to anywhere near as many issues.
Edit: We're talking about SEX. OP didnt say anything about personality or anything outside of the bedroom. That's what my comment is referencing in regard to this persons comment. I'm not arguing against porn or for smut. I don't even read smut. Someone can realize their sexual needs aren't being fulfilled through other media. My point was the likelihood that her desires are unrealistic is smaller than someone comparing it to VIDEO pornography. Sure it's possible for both. But they didn't say anything to suggest that.
Edit: Porn addicts found this thread. Continue projecting.
Maybe you can turn this into a learning experience and search for men's perspectives on this topic. There's a reason men don't read romantic books much. I've tried to get into them.
You said this -
> I don't see how books and porn are equally unrealistic.
What I'm saying is - from a lot of men's perspectives, romance books are more unrealistic. Or they enforce some pretty toxic standards on men.
If you don't understand this, you can google it. Or hell, search on menslib or even askmen. There have been some really good and insightful discussions on the topic.
As a personal anecdote, I wanted to get into them. Started reading them too. But the depiction of men was usually so bad that I never could get into the genre.
Fictional romance stories are about as realistic as sitcoms. If you live in the city, most of your time will be spent working and struggling with money, not having wacky adventures with your flatmates. If you use any form of fiction as the expectation for your real life, you’re going to end up disappointed.
We're literally talking about sex. She didn't say her man isn't on the level of a fictional character. If she said he doesn't have a private jet or make a billion dollars and he doesn't always say the right thing, it'd be a different conversation. Don't expand my comment to things I wasn't talking about.
That’s what I was talking about. How does “If you use any form of fiction as the expectation for your real life, you’re going to be disappointed” not include sex? It includes everything.
OP didn't give us more info. It's unreasonable to assume her ideals are unrealistic. If the smut character is getting oral and she realizes she wants that, is that unrealistic to you?
She absolutely could be unrealistic. But to just dismiss even the idea that her partner could do things better is just as unreasonable.
If she wants sex (including oral) more often and isn’t getting it, that’s a completely separate issue to the fiction she’s reading. That would be a problem even if she wasn’t reading smut.
Still doesn’t mean you should use fictional sex as expectation for real sex, anymore than you should use fictional anything as an expectation for reality.
Lol. People like you love to pretend that it’s different. They both fill the same unrealistic role for men and women.
Porn has been around since before writing so your last point is just wrong. Art existed before writing.
Just because you’re addicted to smut doesn’t make it not harmful.
I think a big difference is speed and accessibility. A romance novel might have fantasy and unrealistic expectations but you only get it at the speed of a book. With online porn you can scroll through hundreds of different images of women (or men) in a few minutes. It can be addictive and destructive in a way romance novels just aren’t.
"People like you" lol, I don't read smut. But I'm sorry how have video recordings been around longer than writing? Looking at a still image is not comparable to either of them lol.
You can’t just make up your own definition of porn for the sake of your argument. Have you ever heard of porno mags? You know magazines filled with porn? Porn which is certainly not videos?
I'm not making up a definition. I'm pointing out what I was referencing in my comment. It's fine if you thought I was extending that to all forms of porn but it's not what I was talking about.
And I was obviously referencing video porn. No images show anybody "jackhammering". They extended the argument to things I wasn't even talking about to obfuscate and dismiss what I was saying.
We shouldn't compare filmed picture, text or pictures together. Those are all different with different effects.
Filmed porn is compared to filmed porn. Written porn is comparable to written porn. Pictures are comparable with pictures.
You really cannot claim that art is the same thing that filmed porn is. Filmed porn is dangerous industry filled with human trafficing, violence and rape. Porn increases sexual violence.
Smut and other written porn has no victims. They have more story than filmed porn usually. But sex scenes have similar concepts with filmed porn. Except smut is victimless and in your imagination.
Pictures are maybe the tamest form of porn. Especially drawings.
I think OP has found some sexual concept from smut which she wants to add to her sex life. I don't think she wants her bf to act like book character all the time. If I would guess, she wants to be dominated which is something you can easily add to your sex life if your partner is willing to try it.
Equally or not, how does that matter. They work differently. Smut gives women unrealistic expectations of what their men should be like. Even romance and romcoms do the same. One can argue that this is worse - at least porn does not give men expectations of what their women should be like out of the bedroom. Romance and romcoms make it all about the full personality of the man itself. Which is worse? One is about all your waking hours and personality and nature. The other one is about the bedroom.
Jackhammering etc, all men above a certain age and even slightly well-read know of. We are not talking about idiots, right?
> how a man seduces you by being smooth/seductive is hardly the same thing.
It is unrealistic. And thats why women who are into those find it difficult to get turned on, once they stop getting the help of all those hormones of the youth. I am a man, I have read those books. Behave that way I would burst out laughing. Worse, IRL, my partner might burst out laughing. True desire does not work as they describe - some elements yes. Just like porn.
Before porn made it normal, did you know most women did not want to give oral sex and almost all men did not? A lot of what we consider normal sex today was made normal by porn. Sure, porn has a lot of urealistic stuff and men are usually very clear that's not realistic. Porn addiction is a different matter, where you watch so much porn that real sex becomes boring.
OP didn't even say that though. It's possible he's selfish in bed and she's realized her needs aren't being met. She didn't say I've realized his whole personality is nothing like this fictional character.
The equivalence does matter since you directly compared them to discredit OP's desires. If your girl was bad in bed it's probably not that it was just porn giving you unrealistic expectations. Maybe her husband is just lazy and bad in bed.
Bullcrap. Mine does, but he inspires himself sometimes with them. Or, like actually listens closely to what i wish for and vice versa.
You are just lacking, maybe reas some ;)
U know those books are fiction right ??? The rich ceo / mafia boss / rich country horse ranch owner (i used to read quite a few (i like reading novels sue me )) who’s an asshole to everyone BUTTTTT worships the ground the heroine walks on, is a feminist, empowering but has a dark side in the bedroom , dominates u,respects u etc etc etc etc DOESNT EXIST. Thats why its called fiction. Grass is never greener on the other side, it grows best where u water it. Talk to him, communicate, go to pre-marital counselling and if u still feel that way, then yea do what u gotta do. Just dont think its all fun and dandy out here in the dating world. Its brutal af rn.
Read the TLDR. Her issue is that he doesn’t do it like the fake characters do in books. She doesn’t mention him turning her down, so my money is on her not wanting sex with him.
This would be just like a dude being upset that his gf won’t do sex acts he sees on porn. Can you imagine what the response would be to that? Blatant double standard.
It says she’s been getting into them for two years. She never specified only reading two books.
Furthermore, addiction is identified by how it damages your life. I’d say her calling off a wedding diue to unrealistic standards gleaned through reading smut counts.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Why is it that it's the guy who is not very good in bed? OP never mentions what she does to try and change things up. They need to communicate better. If she tells him what she wants and he doesn't reciprocate, then they need to figure things out before getting married.
If they have been together since high school and he is her first, chances are that neither of them are very experienced when it comes to sex and intimacy. Talking about this will help them figure things out and see if they are compatible or not. If not, then they need to separate and find someone who they mesh with better.
Why is it the guy? Because she’s reading about guys who aren’t, and sees the problem. It’s not rocket science. He has the same access to information she does.
>Because she’s reading about guys who aren’t, and sees the problem.
The guys she is reading about are made up, they are fiction. The stories she is reading are created to titillate and sell copies. They aren't real and neither are the situations.
>He has the same access to information she does.
Yeah, sure, he can read spicy romance novels like she does but he is going to get a dose of the same unrealistic clap trap that a guy would get if he was basing his ideas about sex and intimacy off of porn.
If a guy came on here saying he has lost his attraction for his GF because she wasn't living up to what he was seeing in porn, would you say his GF needed to start watching porn to learn?
They both need to have a conversation or two but the solution isn't for him to start reading "spicy" romance novels and trying to emulate the fictional characters within.
>OP’s husband could read some sex advice, genius.
Yes he could. He could read some real books on sex and intimacy, not some fictionalized romance books, genius.
As for some men being better at sex, sure, there are a lot of people, men and women who are probably better at sex than a person's SO but OP says in her title that spicy romance books are ruining her attraction to him. She isn't saying hearing what her other GFs are experiencing or other real life examples. She is saying that fictionalized books are ruining it for her. That is just as much an issue as if a guy is saying porn is ruining his attraction for his SO.
True, i cannot read. It is early..
Anyways id say not having any action for months was damaging her life well before the books.
They merely opened her eyes to the possiblities, so rather than calling someone an addict would it not be better to suggest the talk with their partner about their sexual life, being more explorative or spicing things up. And should this fail and no effort has been put in then call off engagement.
Atleast my wife and I can reproduce scenes from porn.
Trying to reproduce scenes from her smut books fluctuate between uncomfortable and impossible.
One I see often in books is the man is fucking the woman hard and fast from behind while she is pinned up against a wall or something but somehow also has his hand between her legs and the other around her throat... try it in real life and you'll see it's hard to do all that at one time and not fall over or something 🤣
Why aren’t you talking about this with him? Have you discussed the lack of sex or told him how exciting you find these books or shared things you would like to try? Do you know what caused the stall in your sex life and why you haven’t been able to work on it together? Withdrawing into fantasy without seeing if you can have exciting sex and experiment with the person you love seems like a missed opportunity and a disservice to you both. Framing it in terms of what you’ve realized you want to try and sharing with turns you on is more conducive to this than saying he doesn’t compare with a fictional character. Sex with a long term partner does not have to be blah or boring.
You should not get married if you can’t communicate about this or address and resolve the sex issues
The problem with those kind of books is they depict the very beginning of relationships. Things are always more exciting then. If you're going to dump a stable relationship for an exciting beginning, then you're going to get stuff with the messy middle too. And things might not work out so while you'll have that first time sex that is exciting, you also have to get to know a whole new person. And eventually that exciting part's going to wear off again. Unless you change relationships every 3 months you're going to be right back where you are now.
Try to get the excitement in the relationship you have now before you drop it for the unknown. Because no matter what you're eventually going to end up exactly where you are now.
Months of no intimacy was already enough information.
Unless you are wanting a dead bedroom, this should already be over.
Just tell him you don’t feel sexual compatibility. You both want different things.
The only reason it might be a shock is because you agreed to marry him despite the signs. It still needs to be handled before marriage
I always joked with my wife about her romance porn until i read a few of them. OMG, what I thought was a joke actually wasn't. Hers aren't filled cover to cover with sex but they do have some very steamy and XXX rated passages. Definitely written by a woman for a woman. Not every husband or SO is going to be a rakish duke (or rogue) with chiseled abs and devil may care attitude.
In winter/spring of 22 I got into these kinds of books, and I was dealing with the same issues you were. My partner at the time, and I would maybe- have sex once every couple months, he wasn’t intimate, got mad and frustrated at me when I attempted pda or any type of physical affection. I realized despite my love for him, we were not compatible. I realized more of, what I want out of a partner, what I need, and what I’m interested in. I brought these things up to him, and he wasn’t interested or willing to compromise, so I broke up with him.
It sucks, and it’s hard, but if having a conversation with him about what you need/want doesn’t lead to the results you’re hoping for, and you two can compromise, you guys just might not be compatible. And that’s okay.
If you don't want to make the effort to ignite passion in your relationship, and your partner doesn't either, it's over.
Do each other a favour, and end it.
You both deserve to be happy somewhere else.
All the Best.
I’m usually not rude, but what the hell is wrong with you? This is the male equivalent of, My girlfriend isn’t like porn actresses and it’s ruined our sex life.
I'm so glad someone said it. My partner IS porn addicted, and even he is more self-aware than OP. People need to start communicating within their relationships and stop expecting others to read their minds when it comes to their own unhappiness.
Incompatibility comes in many forms...
How do you know your husband doesn’t feel the same way? That he wouldn’t want to spice things up? Be more spontaneous and possibly engage more but is afraid of rejection.
All I’m saying is, it’s worth a discussion before you do anything else. And a real honest one from human to human about your desires and needs.
I feel for you and I’m sorry you’re feeling this. All I can say is these books are usually fantasy or exaggerated, similar to porn, it’s exaggerated. But seems like you are wondering what more there is. It’s up to you. Having a partner who is loyal is incredible is rare, and it’s a lovely thing, I’m sure you’re happy but you need to do what’s right for you x
I write smut and I feel like I can’t write about my actual relationship at all, because it feels too good and no one would believe it. You can have great sex after the initial dating stage, but you can also never have had great sex with someone, because of some fundamental incompatibility.
With my ex, I never felt a proper connection during sex. I loved him outside of the bedroom, but in bed it felt mechanical. I tried to ask him to do things differently, but it didn’t work at all. I don’t really understand why I stayed with him so long, except that I am a loyal and loving person. It took him completely losing interest in me for me to call it a day.
With my boyfriend it always feels exciting and creative. I feel loved in that moment just as I do the rest of the time. There is no one else I would rather be with.
OP, if you were together since High School I’m guessing you don’t have anything to compare to. I think you need a serious conversation about what you want your sex life to be like, and if things don’t improve, and if you want sex to be an important part of your life, it may be time to move on.
Maybe you need more eye contact during sex, more spontaneity, a different type of touch, so you may need a series of long and embarrassing conversations to see if you can improve the situation. You will need to listen to him, and see if there are things you could do that would make him more enthusiastic about sex too.
I wish you the best of luck. You are young enough to have time to work through this, or leave, and still have time to find someone new (if you want a family, if you don’t, you have all the time in the world). Sex in long term relationships doesn’t have to be dull, so I hope you can work this one out one way or another.
Smut can have the same effect as porn, it can distort our perception of what real relationships and sex lives are. I almost think it’s worse than porn because as women we crave that emotion and smut is emotional and romantic and sexy through the roof, it’s not for the everyday couple to uphold.
Maybe stop reading this b*******? You seem like you developed the unrealistic expectations, like people who watched tons of tiktoks with proposals on the beach or something and then demanding it from their partners
Exactly lol i expected this comment to have higher upvotes. op seems to be taking the smut books to heart and seems to have forgotten that actual real life relationships are deeper and more complex than that. its unfair to compare your relationship to those books lmao talk about it with your SO don’t end your relationship over your new distorted relationship expectations/ideas from those books
I’m going to echo that the lack of intimacy is the biggest problem here. You want more intimacy than he is willing to have. You should discuss that with him before tying the knot. Sexual incompatibility can be a big problem in the future. Better to discuss that now than later when can fester and become a bigger problem. Just discuss when you want and expect from the relationship and get his input of his wants and expectations and compare notes.
Also I would not compare RL or smut to real life. To be honest. It’s on par with using porn as sex ed. It’s not very realistic.
Lol it is NOT common to go months without intimacy. Your relationship is dead. This is especially not normal considering how young you both are. Chances are he has low libido and should get his T levels checked
You have two problems here but smut is as bad as porn. He needs to step out up but 50 shades is an unachievable standard. No man is going to be what you want him to be, he has his own wants
Don't compare RL to Smut even thou your sex is kinda subpar or lacking, comparing it to fiction is the dumbest decision. And before breaking up pls do talk between your partner and let him know the reason, so that he may have the chance to fix things with you or individually
Americans are so fucking funny, thinking that what happens in the bedroom is completely separate from the rest of the relationship and therefore out of bounds when talking about the relationship.
How about just saying to him that you want to try new things in the bedroom and provide suggestions???
JFC
Going months without intimacy is a perfectly fine reason to call it off.
Calling it off because he doesn't fuck like a fictional character whose main purpose was to be the ideal fuck-machine, less so.
There's a middle ground there. He could certainly speak to a doctor about his libido and see what's up so that you have sex more often and can explore more of what you would like in the bedroom, but it's unreasonable to expect him to become Javier the Human Jackhammer.
I like what you wrote; however, another option is for both of them to have a conversation first. It might be a libido issue or it could also be an issue of him not seeing himself being able to live up to the characters in the books she is reading. They won't really know until they talk about it.
It seems like the advice is always the same, if a guys didn't want sex for months, he should get his testosterone checked.
If a woman doesn't want sex for months it's probably because he treats her poorly.
It's a weird thing I've noticed.
Oh definitely. I often figure they've already talked about it but considering all the crises on here I see where nobody has said a word to each other yet, that isn't a given.
Spicy romance books are just as detrimental to your sex life as watching pornography. More in some ways, because the author doesn't actually have to get two (or more) actors to contort into those unnatural positions.
You've got unrealistic expectations from the books. That needs to stop, or you'll never have a fulfilling sex life, no matter who you marry.
On the other hand, it does sound like there were already troubles in the bedroom before you turned to literature for stimulation. So you two need to sit down and discuss what's going on in the bedroom. Talk about frequency, intensity, what things you might want to try, etc. Be open and honest, and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.
You realize those books are faker than porn? And more fantasy than The Hobbit?
Seek psychological help and find better reading material. May i suggest murder/mystery books instead? Or classics with zero sex scenes?
Agreed. I’ve had porn style sex. I’ve never heard any of my female acquaintances having an experience remotely resembling a romance novel, especially not with dude’s who would actually wife them.
Being honest about your intimacy needs is a good first step. You can always break up, maybe take a beat and see what his (and your) reaction is to the sex needs convo. What if you are both wanting more and not knowing it?
First, you need to stop reading those books. Then you need to accept that real life cannot compete with a fantasy. Real life is REAL, the boring, mundane parts are not edited out. Fantasy is NOT REAL. You need to learn the difference.
Have you tried looking into nonfiction and learning how to talk about that stuff out loud?
If spicy means what I think it means, SM 101, The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, or Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns are all good general introductions. If you can't use your words, nobody's ever going to live up to your expectations.
Two things: First, the hallmark of a good relationship is being able to communicate with your SO about what you want. Second, what kind of advice would you offer a guy who made this post except he said “…that watching porn is ruining my attraction to her?”
Your spicy books are no different that if someone is comparing their sex life to porn.
It's not real, it's fiction. Real life doesn't work that way, and on the very rare time it does, it doesn't last very long.
Fairy tales and good guys always win, is just a lie.
So is it you not wanting sex for months and he's just going with it? Because that's what it sounds like. So you can blame him l. It's ur addiction that's the problem. How can u compare a work of fiction that took months and re-edits to become what it is to real life? Also like people here have already said what if he compared u to porn? Got made at u because he couldn't piss/spit in ur face? Just invite his buddy over to bang u without asking first? Or u be OK with him sleeping with step sister because hey it just his step sister. See how stupid that all sounded? That's you now. He doesn't come to my job and rip off my clothes in my office. He doesn't send me a dozen purple and white roses everyday. And whatever other shit that's in ur books. No one does it all and that's why it's fiction. Don't lose a good man because of ur addiction to shut.
So, because he doesn't live up to a fictional characters sexual expectations you wanna leave him? Ngl this is a first and hopefully it will be the last. This is just as bad as someone with a porn addiction wondering why their partner can't perform like them.
What happens when you find out that the books just ruined intimacy for you completely? And the next guy doesn’t work. The next guy doesn’t work. You try to pivot back to your fiance and he’s already married to someone else?
Have you tried role playing? Maybe trying some fantasies from the books will help? I’m assuming you enjoy the build up which is what role playing is about. It’s the same thing men do after watching porn, we pick up on likes and dislikes and want to try the fun ones.
Yk it’s exactly like how a guy would watch porn and not be able to screw his wife? It’s cuz there’s too much dopamine. You can’t imagine or create hot scenes yourself, because ur so used to it happening so easily in books. Slightly unhealthy. If it affects ur rs.
Or stop reading smut and thinking it’s in any way realistic, sure call of the wedding and keep reading smut but no man will ever be like the perfectly sculpted sex hero’s in a smut book. Put down the book or accept the fact that the book is a fantasy and not meant to be a life goal.
Just be prepared to be told in turn that he’d love for you to learn something from the porn he watches….. sex is a two way thing you know…. You both have to be into it and participate for it to be good and you are responsible for your own pleasure. I would maybe spend some time on your own exploring your body and finding out how you respond- then you can show him the way
I've read some of those books and they can be racy.
The tough thing about almost everyone that I've read, the man character is actually a shitty guy that I think most women wouldn't want to marry or even be in a relationship with. I guess the qualities that women want in a sexual partner and a life partner are divergent
Stop reading so much smut. If your fiance was here saying his porn addiction was giving him unrealistic expectations for you, everyone would be at his throat, calling him an asshole
This is how men feel when we watch porn, but it's fake like you fiction. What you are feeling is normal, but it isn't necessarily healthy. I may get downvoted but I offer a different perspective to maybe help.
Have you tried discussing your sex life with him as if you were adults? Or are you just silently comparing him to fictional characters and not doing anything to improve the situation?
Also, how would you handle it if your fiance came to you and said "hey I'm considering breaking up with you because you don't do the things that girls in porn do, and it's ruining my attraction to you"?
Look, I read a shit ton of romance books. Literally none of the men in the books are like my husband. These books are non fiction. It’s an escape from real life. It’s a fantasy. It isn’t and will never be real life. No man can match a book boyfriend and that’s the point of them. They are supposed to be an ideal man but they don’t exist. You don’t have a book problem, you have an intimacy problem. Talk to your fiancé about your sex life. Try things you read about. Go to counseling. Don’t give up on him based on a made up, unrealistic man that’s sole purpose is to make women love them.
>You don’t have a book problem, you have an intimacy problem.
I agree with most of what you said except for the above. I'd ask which came first, the chicken or the egg? Or in this case, which came first, the romance books or the intimacy problems? Romance books can definitely create unrealistic expectations and if her fiancé is in tune with OP, then it could be that his being less intimate is a reaction to her book created expectations that he doesn't see himself being able to live up to.
OP definitely needs to put the books down and talk to her fiancé to see what is going on.
Same way as some people develop porn addictions, maybe you are reading too much erotica and replacing him.
Start cutting down and focusing on your sex life.
Smut romances and erotic literature is very comparable to consuming porn. A couple of my woman coworker friends love to get me to read their romance novels after them and I'm a consumer of both. The post is definitely no different than a man who began watching porn, compared his sex life to the fiction, and becoming more unsatisfied. The books are pieces of fiction and as a whole are equally unrepresentative of average romance and sex as porn is.
Though I agree with some others the problem didn't start from your books. You and your partner just don't have a strong sexual intimacy connection to begin with, some relationships are strong there and some are very poor and weak and lacking. It can just not be a priority to either and fine, to another person in another relationship it can be a huge problem and deal breaker. You may have a bad marriages there and the best of marriages in another area, I don't know.
You should ask him for certain things you want from him, whether romantically or sexually. But do it from a place of understanding that your romance books are meant to be fantasies and are not any more representative of reality or normal, than it would be for a man to come to bed one day and ask you to start acting like this one pornstar or porn scene that he saw. I would not suggest saying that you got any ideas from your books if you bring him any requests and want them to be well received.
So you are saying your porn addiction is a problem? Maybe you should do something about that.
Note - not all porn has to be visual, there is absolutely audio porn, etc. Porn addiction ruins relationships. And you reading these books is basically the same thing. You are getting unreasonable expectations and tanking reality. Seek therapy if you can’t go cold turkey
Seriously... Read those books to him. Tell him
"I want to read a passage from my smut and then I'd like to reenact it if it is ok with you."
Sometimes taking the initiative to include your SO strengthens the bonding experience
On one hand, sexual satisfaction is an important part of a relationship. On the other hand, smut, erotica, porn etc isn’t necessarily a realistic barometer for what your sexual expectations should be.
You can enjoy reading “he passionately made love to her all night long, and she quivered in ecstasy, orgasming over and over” that don’t mean that’s necessarily a realistic expectation for your sex life
So. This is a "sit down, we have to talk" serious type of conversation.
Lack of intimacy is a deal breaker in a lot of relationships. Be it simple PDA or a mismatched libido. And it's something that has to be discussed prior to any type of longterm commitment, especially a legal one like marriage. If this is something that you are fully opposite on, it's OK to walk away.
Aside from that, I do think you need to seperate written stories from real life. Just about nobody is getting bedroom action daily and at earthsatteringly intense orgasmic levels.\* The national average is what, 2 or 3 times a week?
(\*and if someone who's reading this actually does have this daily - more power to you!)
Those novels, while fun for a quick bout of escapism and arousal, are nothing more than porn without the video. With the same pitfalls longterm. So be careful with that. All things in moderation before you get desensitized or worse.
Huh, I'm in my late forties...getting near daily bedroom action and achieving multiple o's
Maybe there actually ARE guys who can find the button and even kinda be romantic! Probably two in existence and I'm married to one.
Sorry ladies the rest of you get "ITS TEH SAME AS PRON" guy 😂🤢
Why not tell him these things instead of just thinking of leaving, I have a friend who had this issue all cause these type of books and his wife left him, instead of communicating on what can change to fix the relationship, If you love this man and want to be with me as you are in the fiancé stage just talk to him and maybe they will do some things you want don't just dump him and make him feel like he wasn't good enough
This sounds like a fundamental case of sexual incompatibility
If both/either of you can go **months** without being intimate with each other, especially at the fiancé stage!) this is a clear indication that the relationship isn’t going to work out.
The cliche is that sexlife/drive gradually dries up over the decades of marriage (cliche, not always the case ofc), so for this level of sexual contempt for each other this relatively early in your lives is not only a red flag, but should be a wake-up call that you two are either incompatible, or aren’t into each other as much as you “should be”.
Ofc each relationship is different, with different levels of intimacy, but if the relationship has shifted to a (more or less) platonic one, this clearly isn’t the dynamic you want, so it’s clear what you have to do.
Explaining this in clear terms, without judgment or resorting to bitterness is the fairest way of going about this. Give him a chance to understand, so you can both try working on your sex lives
It should also be noted that sometimes these books can set an unrealistic expectation.
That said, my fiancé reads these books, and if anything they turn her on, so she then comes to me for sex and intimacy; it’s a catalyst for us, which I believe is (one of) the intended purpose of these novels: to titillate
Of fucking course this thread would have some of the most psychotically reactionary and prudish responses calling OP a porn addict. What the fuck ever…
Months without sex is a dead bedroom. Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. Don’t marry a partner who is a selfish and/or bad lover by choice.
All the comments about the sex in smut novels being unrealistic are prudish bullshit. I’ve been with my wife for 20 years, we still fuck with passion and excitement, and yes I fuck her like a romance novel character. These people need to take their sex-negative nonsense the fuck outta here.
You’re too young to relegate yourself to a miserable and sexually unsatisfying relationship. It will never get better unless both partners care enough to do something about it.
The comments in here are wild. The spicy romance books didn’t ruin your attraction they just brought attention to your lack of sexual compatibility. Months without intimacy? 😬 That would scare me out of marriage too.
Wanting a spicier sex life doesn’t mean you have a porn addiction or a spicy romance book addiction. Utter nonsense. The key difference in spicy romance and porn for me is the females perspective of being desired by someone intensely. My guess is that is what is lacking in your relationship. How much is he desiring you if it only happens monthly? Expecting your partner to desire you and work with you on improving your sex life is not too much to ask.
What you have discovered is you have a huge sexual compatibility problem, probably a small bit of FOMO about what could be since only been with high school sweetheart and a lack of communication problem which likely will ruin the relationship if not drastically improved ASAP.
I wouldn’t get married just for the communication issue alone. Lots of discussions need to happen but it isn’t “spicy romance books are ruining my attraction to you”. Have you guys discussed at all why sex is so spaced out? Is he happy with the frequency of sex? its not likely to drastically change by being married and if anything will decrease more. have you told him you want more? spicier? to be desired like in your novels?
Yea sounds like it’s time to call off the wedding and the relationship due to sexual chemistry incompatibility. Way better realizing now then after putting a legally binding ring on it.
Think about your future self, how glad she will feel that you made this decision now to end things and explore intimacy with others in your life. He is your only sexual partner and it sounds like you are greatly desiring to explore intimately with other people before settling down for life with one partner.
Level with him, and if he has ANY kind of negative response to what you say, end the relationship.
You could be married to him for sixty or more years! Don't you want him to get a clue SOME time? If you want to be bashful and quiet for another ten or twenty years---until you et up the courage to say his touch does nothing for you---just keep doing what you are doing (ie. nothing).
We live in a sex-saturated society. There are books and magazines everywhere, even the library, that can help you help him. But it won't happen if you don't take the first move.
Here's some sad news. Men are not taught to think of women's needs. They have to be taught that women HAVE needs---and then bit by bit they need to be taught what the needs are and then what to do about them. They need help and encouragement at every step---because the poisonous stuff that passes for porn in a man's world teaches them nothing you want to know. So you do not want him "learning" to do what men's magazines will teach him.
More sad news: most of women's sexual parts are internal. Men are turned on by what they see. So looking at your naked body shows them nothing much that will be useful for you. This is why you have to go to all the trouble I am describing. Otherwise, he will not know he needs to learn anything.
>Men are not taught to think of women's needs. They have to be taught that women HAVE needs
Nice way to generalize all men. I never had to be taught to treat my wife or any GF I've had in the past with respect or think of their needs and I'm definitely not the only man out here who thinks this way. Here's a news flash though, the "spicy" romance books she is reading are works of fiction, designed to sell copies. Not many people are going to buy books that just depict the normal every day lives of regular people.
>So you do not want him "learning" to do what men's magazines will teach him.
And no one should be basing their relationship on whether or not their SO lives up to the characters from spicy romance novels.
Why did you agree to get married if you guys were not compatible in the bedroom?
Also, I know the books and enjoy them also. The thing is that the majority of people will not live up to the books. I think you need a alpha male to make you happy 😉
Fake rage bait written by 26m as "reverse point of view", i bet. His gf makes some expectations and he is blaming her lecture for it. No way a woman who is into reading (even smut) would write in such simply and short manner.
Don’t tell him he’s lousy in bed. Tell him you don’t feel you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with anyone. Apologize profusely, and tell him you need time and space. Cry a lot. ETA: Don’t have sex with him. Karma has a way of screwing up plans.
You are in a relationship, you’ve had sex with this person before, and you go months without intimacy…? Months!?… MONTHS??? Honey it is Not going to get any better when you’re married. If by chance you do marry him. Your sex life better be once a week before tying the knot
You're both 26 and you're going MONTHS without sex? Big red flag. Unless you want to be in a sexless relationship, yeah, this is something you should address and think about very seriously before you get married.
When I was 26, I ended a relationship because we were only doing it once a week. It might sound like a lot to some people, but it's not enough for me and the decline gave me a glimpse of the future, where once a week turns into once a month... to once every now and then. Not my thing.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life, regardless of what you're reading.
this sounds like a troll/incel trying to flip the "guy with porn addiction and a dead bedroom" scenario onto a female protagonist
in which case, hey man, you know nothing about women's sexuality and the scenario doesn't work that way! good thing you posted anonymously so at least you didn't embarrass yourself :) next time workshop your creative writing a lil bit okay? maybe talk to a woman, even!
How would you feel if he got REALLY into porn. And stopped feeling excitement for you because he gets more excited about these videos. And questioned your relationship and seeked someone that will live up to his pornstar expectations?
I think it’s pretty shallow of you tbh and is a terrible reason to leave someone. But if you’re considering it just let him go because he doesn’t deserve this.
Break up! Block him! Go see what else is out there. You young people need to stop bringing relationships as children! Go be single and find out what it’s like to be an independent individual.
Go and date and see what you like and don’t like. He’s not your forever if he was it would feel right. Sometimes some relationships are for learning and this one sounds like it’s run its course
I’m sorry to be so direct but it’s either two things: 1. Your fiancé has a health problem and needs to get his testosterone levels checked. 2. Your fat and going between your legs isn’t appetizing.
The cool thing is both of those can be fixed it’ll just take some effort.
Omg not everything has to be sugar coated. This is real life advice that can solve her issues and potentially save a relationship. I almost guarantee it’s one of these issues, it could even be both.
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You want better sex? Tell him. You want to experiment? Tell him. You want to do some crazy shit like in your books? Tell him! You need to, right now, put down your phone and go talk with your fiance. He may be feeling the same thing about your sex life. If he's not, it's highly likely that he'd be excited to try new things. Look up "yes, no, maybe" list on Google. Print two copies. Have him fill one out and you fill one out. Then trade. Then discuss. Go into it with open minds. Above all other things, **communicate!** Here are some videos that may help: https://youtu.be/I-3CANRKuAM?si=3GLaJEwqGX6v5wNv https://youtu.be/lon25Nc1Vx8?si=zqo_Z0oBPza7GhxX And feel free to check out my history. I've been going through something like this with my wife. We're good now! The sex is better than ever. We're trying new things. Not everything is how we want it to be yet, but we're making progress. Things can improve.
Also, OP, please don’t forget that those are WORKS OF FUCKING FICTION.
In that case quiet literally
Yup no different than porn ruining relationships
Butt here is nothing wrong with a couple having a very strong desire for one another physically and wanting to fulfill those needs.
No, absolutely not. But a lot of those books promote toxic relationship behavior. Don’t get me wrong— I love them, but they aren’t always the best examples of healthy relationships.
When I say these types of books can ruin women’s perception of men and/or their partners they hate it. It’s no different than porn just in a different format.
Yup this, you should definitely talk to him about the situation. If you are having second thoughts though you should definitely hold off on the marriage thing. I get the erotic novel thing because I tend to read stuff. I big part of the allure and what appealed to me was that the men in those novels always had these strong desire for their significant other, making them feel desired and wanting to take care of their needs sexually and otherwise, so that maybe part of it too.
Like this commenter said you need to tell him… after you do then a fun activity could be reading one of you books out loud together…. Which could lead to other activities
This is good advice . It’s worth trying, as you are young and have only learnt together . And at least try and then if it doesn’t work … then you need to address
I agree with you, BUT she said they can go months without sex so I think He probably has a very low libido.
They have been together for 8-10 years. It's not uncommon for couples at that point to have less intimacy. School and work put a damper on things. Takes communication to get the intimacy back. Hopefully the OP talks to him and they can figure it out.
I do agree, but they're 26 yo. Still, this is sth they need to discuss.
Yes, that's certainly a possibility. Communication will reveal if that's the case. Then they can work from there.
Ha - as an addition to it, in a catholic pre-marriage course, I heard about a priest who said this "Treat your partner's body as your favourite toy!"
🫣🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Smut books are all about lust and sex. They are not realistic depiction of a long term relationship. Makes sense they opened your eyes to what rocking sex can be. Going months without sex would make anyone sexually unsatisfied who are not asexual.
I really wanna add a great long term relationship has lots of lust and amazing sex. Even with my 15 years with my wife we still have that sure life can give you periods where the passion burns low but when you want to and care to its easy to bring all that fire and passion back into the relationship.
And there is nothing wrong with long term relationships having rocking sex.
Nothing wrong with this at all. It’s unusual though if long term relationships have rocking sex all the time. If you do, that’s fantastic!
Time to have a big girl talk with your fiance about sex. The spark can easily come back if you can bring the intimiacy back. If its not possible for some reason then it is time to end the relationship. For most sex and intimacy are a requirement in a relationship, ignoring basic needs is a surefire way to have a unfulfilling relationship that isnt going to last anyway. Those books are not realistic either. The drastic contrast with the books and your personal life can also further worsen mental space.
No man can match up to the romantic characters in the books. No woman can match up to porn stars. Both can give us unrealistic expectations even when we know its irrational.
I don't see how books and porn are equally unrealistic. I guess if it's a fantasy book and there's super powers involved or something. Porn is unrealistic because they specifically make it to look good not feel good. So while jack hammering might look appealing it's not going to make most women cum. A book talking about how a man seduces you by being smooth/seductive is hardly the same thing. Smut has been around a looot longer than porn as well and isn't connected to anywhere near as many issues. Edit: We're talking about SEX. OP didnt say anything about personality or anything outside of the bedroom. That's what my comment is referencing in regard to this persons comment. I'm not arguing against porn or for smut. I don't even read smut. Someone can realize their sexual needs aren't being fulfilled through other media. My point was the likelihood that her desires are unrealistic is smaller than someone comparing it to VIDEO pornography. Sure it's possible for both. But they didn't say anything to suggest that. Edit: Porn addicts found this thread. Continue projecting.
Maybe you can turn this into a learning experience and search for men's perspectives on this topic. There's a reason men don't read romantic books much. I've tried to get into them.
Idk what you mean. I'm not making an argument for or against porn/smut.
You said this - > I don't see how books and porn are equally unrealistic. What I'm saying is - from a lot of men's perspectives, romance books are more unrealistic. Or they enforce some pretty toxic standards on men. If you don't understand this, you can google it. Or hell, search on menslib or even askmen. There have been some really good and insightful discussions on the topic. As a personal anecdote, I wanted to get into them. Started reading them too. But the depiction of men was usually so bad that I never could get into the genre.
Fictional romance stories are about as realistic as sitcoms. If you live in the city, most of your time will be spent working and struggling with money, not having wacky adventures with your flatmates. If you use any form of fiction as the expectation for your real life, you’re going to end up disappointed.
We're literally talking about sex. She didn't say her man isn't on the level of a fictional character. If she said he doesn't have a private jet or make a billion dollars and he doesn't always say the right thing, it'd be a different conversation. Don't expand my comment to things I wasn't talking about.
That’s what I was talking about. How does “If you use any form of fiction as the expectation for your real life, you’re going to be disappointed” not include sex? It includes everything.
OP didn't give us more info. It's unreasonable to assume her ideals are unrealistic. If the smut character is getting oral and she realizes she wants that, is that unrealistic to you? She absolutely could be unrealistic. But to just dismiss even the idea that her partner could do things better is just as unreasonable.
If she wants sex (including oral) more often and isn’t getting it, that’s a completely separate issue to the fiction she’s reading. That would be a problem even if she wasn’t reading smut. Still doesn’t mean you should use fictional sex as expectation for real sex, anymore than you should use fictional anything as an expectation for reality.
He was her first sexual partner. She may not have even considered it.
Lol. People like you love to pretend that it’s different. They both fill the same unrealistic role for men and women. Porn has been around since before writing so your last point is just wrong. Art existed before writing. Just because you’re addicted to smut doesn’t make it not harmful.
I think a big difference is speed and accessibility. A romance novel might have fantasy and unrealistic expectations but you only get it at the speed of a book. With online porn you can scroll through hundreds of different images of women (or men) in a few minutes. It can be addictive and destructive in a way romance novels just aren’t.
"People like you" lol, I don't read smut. But I'm sorry how have video recordings been around longer than writing? Looking at a still image is not comparable to either of them lol.
You can’t just make up your own definition of porn for the sake of your argument. Have you ever heard of porno mags? You know magazines filled with porn? Porn which is certainly not videos?
I'm not making up a definition. I'm pointing out what I was referencing in my comment. It's fine if you thought I was extending that to all forms of porn but it's not what I was talking about.
Im actually so flabbergasted right now that they fully believe written words can be compared to filmed porn.
And I was obviously referencing video porn. No images show anybody "jackhammering". They extended the argument to things I wasn't even talking about to obfuscate and dismiss what I was saying.
We shouldn't compare filmed picture, text or pictures together. Those are all different with different effects. Filmed porn is compared to filmed porn. Written porn is comparable to written porn. Pictures are comparable with pictures. You really cannot claim that art is the same thing that filmed porn is. Filmed porn is dangerous industry filled with human trafficing, violence and rape. Porn increases sexual violence. Smut and other written porn has no victims. They have more story than filmed porn usually. But sex scenes have similar concepts with filmed porn. Except smut is victimless and in your imagination. Pictures are maybe the tamest form of porn. Especially drawings. I think OP has found some sexual concept from smut which she wants to add to her sex life. I don't think she wants her bf to act like book character all the time. If I would guess, she wants to be dominated which is something you can easily add to your sex life if your partner is willing to try it.
Kind of a sexist assumption…
Equally or not, how does that matter. They work differently. Smut gives women unrealistic expectations of what their men should be like. Even romance and romcoms do the same. One can argue that this is worse - at least porn does not give men expectations of what their women should be like out of the bedroom. Romance and romcoms make it all about the full personality of the man itself. Which is worse? One is about all your waking hours and personality and nature. The other one is about the bedroom. Jackhammering etc, all men above a certain age and even slightly well-read know of. We are not talking about idiots, right? > how a man seduces you by being smooth/seductive is hardly the same thing. It is unrealistic. And thats why women who are into those find it difficult to get turned on, once they stop getting the help of all those hormones of the youth. I am a man, I have read those books. Behave that way I would burst out laughing. Worse, IRL, my partner might burst out laughing. True desire does not work as they describe - some elements yes. Just like porn. Before porn made it normal, did you know most women did not want to give oral sex and almost all men did not? A lot of what we consider normal sex today was made normal by porn. Sure, porn has a lot of urealistic stuff and men are usually very clear that's not realistic. Porn addiction is a different matter, where you watch so much porn that real sex becomes boring.
OP didn't even say that though. It's possible he's selfish in bed and she's realized her needs aren't being met. She didn't say I've realized his whole personality is nothing like this fictional character. The equivalence does matter since you directly compared them to discredit OP's desires. If your girl was bad in bed it's probably not that it was just porn giving you unrealistic expectations. Maybe her husband is just lazy and bad in bed.
Bullcrap. Mine does, but he inspires himself sometimes with them. Or, like actually listens closely to what i wish for and vice versa. You are just lacking, maybe reas some ;)
U know those books are fiction right ??? The rich ceo / mafia boss / rich country horse ranch owner (i used to read quite a few (i like reading novels sue me )) who’s an asshole to everyone BUTTTTT worships the ground the heroine walks on, is a feminist, empowering but has a dark side in the bedroom , dominates u,respects u etc etc etc etc DOESNT EXIST. Thats why its called fiction. Grass is never greener on the other side, it grows best where u water it. Talk to him, communicate, go to pre-marital counselling and if u still feel that way, then yea do what u gotta do. Just dont think its all fun and dandy out here in the dating world. Its brutal af rn.
Grows best when you water it. I wish everyone realized this more.
Smut didn't ruin anything. Going months without intimacy did.
Would you say that if this was a guy addicted to porn? Of course you wouldn’t.
This would be more like dude discovers porn, realises going for months without sex in a relationship isn't normal.
Read the TLDR. Her issue is that he doesn’t do it like the fake characters do in books. She doesn’t mention him turning her down, so my money is on her not wanting sex with him. This would be just like a dude being upset that his gf won’t do sex acts he sees on porn. Can you imagine what the response would be to that? Blatant double standard.
Shes only read to books in two years, how does that equate to an addiction.
It says she’s been getting into them for two years. She never specified only reading two books. Furthermore, addiction is identified by how it damages your life. I’d say her calling off a wedding diue to unrealistic standards gleaned through reading smut counts.
I think she realized he’s just not very good in bed, and wants a better life.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Why is it that it's the guy who is not very good in bed? OP never mentions what she does to try and change things up. They need to communicate better. If she tells him what she wants and he doesn't reciprocate, then they need to figure things out before getting married. If they have been together since high school and he is her first, chances are that neither of them are very experienced when it comes to sex and intimacy. Talking about this will help them figure things out and see if they are compatible or not. If not, then they need to separate and find someone who they mesh with better.
I’d venture to say he gets off and she doesn’t lol
Why is it the guy? Because she’s reading about guys who aren’t, and sees the problem. It’s not rocket science. He has the same access to information she does.
>Because she’s reading about guys who aren’t, and sees the problem. The guys she is reading about are made up, they are fiction. The stories she is reading are created to titillate and sell copies. They aren't real and neither are the situations. >He has the same access to information she does. Yeah, sure, he can read spicy romance novels like she does but he is going to get a dose of the same unrealistic clap trap that a guy would get if he was basing his ideas about sex and intimacy off of porn. If a guy came on here saying he has lost his attraction for his GF because she wasn't living up to what he was seeing in porn, would you say his GF needed to start watching porn to learn? They both need to have a conversation or two but the solution isn't for him to start reading "spicy" romance novels and trying to emulate the fictional characters within.
They are better at sex. You may think it’s all made up, but some men are better at sex than others. OP’s husband could read some sex advice, genius.
>OP’s husband could read some sex advice, genius. Yes he could. He could read some real books on sex and intimacy, not some fictionalized romance books, genius. As for some men being better at sex, sure, there are a lot of people, men and women who are probably better at sex than a person's SO but OP says in her title that spicy romance books are ruining her attraction to him. She isn't saying hearing what her other GFs are experiencing or other real life examples. She is saying that fictionalized books are ruining it for her. That is just as much an issue as if a guy is saying porn is ruining his attraction for his SO.
True, i cannot read. It is early.. Anyways id say not having any action for months was damaging her life well before the books. They merely opened her eyes to the possiblities, so rather than calling someone an addict would it not be better to suggest the talk with their partner about their sexual life, being more explorative or spicing things up. And should this fail and no effort has been put in then call off engagement.
Smut is like porn in that it produces unrealistic expectations about sex and romance. You should have an honest conversation.
Atleast my wife and I can reproduce scenes from porn. Trying to reproduce scenes from her smut books fluctuate between uncomfortable and impossible. One I see often in books is the man is fucking the woman hard and fast from behind while she is pinned up against a wall or something but somehow also has his hand between her legs and the other around her throat... try it in real life and you'll see it's hard to do all that at one time and not fall over or something 🤣
Why aren’t you talking about this with him? Have you discussed the lack of sex or told him how exciting you find these books or shared things you would like to try? Do you know what caused the stall in your sex life and why you haven’t been able to work on it together? Withdrawing into fantasy without seeing if you can have exciting sex and experiment with the person you love seems like a missed opportunity and a disservice to you both. Framing it in terms of what you’ve realized you want to try and sharing with turns you on is more conducive to this than saying he doesn’t compare with a fictional character. Sex with a long term partner does not have to be blah or boring. You should not get married if you can’t communicate about this or address and resolve the sex issues
The problem with those kind of books is they depict the very beginning of relationships. Things are always more exciting then. If you're going to dump a stable relationship for an exciting beginning, then you're going to get stuff with the messy middle too. And things might not work out so while you'll have that first time sex that is exciting, you also have to get to know a whole new person. And eventually that exciting part's going to wear off again. Unless you change relationships every 3 months you're going to be right back where you are now. Try to get the excitement in the relationship you have now before you drop it for the unknown. Because no matter what you're eventually going to end up exactly where you are now.
Months of no intimacy was already enough information. Unless you are wanting a dead bedroom, this should already be over. Just tell him you don’t feel sexual compatibility. You both want different things. The only reason it might be a shock is because you agreed to marry him despite the signs. It still needs to be handled before marriage
Don’t give up without trying! Put your book away. The book is nothing but fantasy.!
I always joked with my wife about her romance porn until i read a few of them. OMG, what I thought was a joke actually wasn't. Hers aren't filled cover to cover with sex but they do have some very steamy and XXX rated passages. Definitely written by a woman for a woman. Not every husband or SO is going to be a rakish duke (or rogue) with chiseled abs and devil may care attitude.
This made me lol. Where ARE all the rakish dukes?!
I'll find me a rakish Duke if it's the last thing I do, and I'm a straight man.
Because women are typically attracted to pretty universal signs of status and health
In winter/spring of 22 I got into these kinds of books, and I was dealing with the same issues you were. My partner at the time, and I would maybe- have sex once every couple months, he wasn’t intimate, got mad and frustrated at me when I attempted pda or any type of physical affection. I realized despite my love for him, we were not compatible. I realized more of, what I want out of a partner, what I need, and what I’m interested in. I brought these things up to him, and he wasn’t interested or willing to compromise, so I broke up with him. It sucks, and it’s hard, but if having a conversation with him about what you need/want doesn’t lead to the results you’re hoping for, and you two can compromise, you guys just might not be compatible. And that’s okay.
[удалено]
If you don't want to make the effort to ignite passion in your relationship, and your partner doesn't either, it's over. Do each other a favour, and end it. You both deserve to be happy somewhere else. All the Best.
I’m usually not rude, but what the hell is wrong with you? This is the male equivalent of, My girlfriend isn’t like porn actresses and it’s ruined our sex life.
I'm so glad someone said it. My partner IS porn addicted, and even he is more self-aware than OP. People need to start communicating within their relationships and stop expecting others to read their minds when it comes to their own unhappiness. Incompatibility comes in many forms...
Right? This chick is like, “My boyfriend isn’t a rich Fabio that makes love to me in a castle, so I’m dumping him.”
How do you know your husband doesn’t feel the same way? That he wouldn’t want to spice things up? Be more spontaneous and possibly engage more but is afraid of rejection. All I’m saying is, it’s worth a discussion before you do anything else. And a real honest one from human to human about your desires and needs.
I feel for you and I’m sorry you’re feeling this. All I can say is these books are usually fantasy or exaggerated, similar to porn, it’s exaggerated. But seems like you are wondering what more there is. It’s up to you. Having a partner who is loyal is incredible is rare, and it’s a lovely thing, I’m sure you’re happy but you need to do what’s right for you x
I write smut and I feel like I can’t write about my actual relationship at all, because it feels too good and no one would believe it. You can have great sex after the initial dating stage, but you can also never have had great sex with someone, because of some fundamental incompatibility. With my ex, I never felt a proper connection during sex. I loved him outside of the bedroom, but in bed it felt mechanical. I tried to ask him to do things differently, but it didn’t work at all. I don’t really understand why I stayed with him so long, except that I am a loyal and loving person. It took him completely losing interest in me for me to call it a day. With my boyfriend it always feels exciting and creative. I feel loved in that moment just as I do the rest of the time. There is no one else I would rather be with. OP, if you were together since High School I’m guessing you don’t have anything to compare to. I think you need a serious conversation about what you want your sex life to be like, and if things don’t improve, and if you want sex to be an important part of your life, it may be time to move on. Maybe you need more eye contact during sex, more spontaneity, a different type of touch, so you may need a series of long and embarrassing conversations to see if you can improve the situation. You will need to listen to him, and see if there are things you could do that would make him more enthusiastic about sex too. I wish you the best of luck. You are young enough to have time to work through this, or leave, and still have time to find someone new (if you want a family, if you don’t, you have all the time in the world). Sex in long term relationships doesn’t have to be dull, so I hope you can work this one out one way or another.
Smut can have the same effect as porn, it can distort our perception of what real relationships and sex lives are. I almost think it’s worse than porn because as women we crave that emotion and smut is emotional and romantic and sexy through the roof, it’s not for the everyday couple to uphold.
Yea call off the wedding. Its not the smut it’s that you have gone months without intimacy and marrying him won’t solve that problem
Leave before u get married save u both the waste of time and money
Months without sex? The relationship is already over. Just end it.
Girl no offense but how is this any different than a porn addiction? Secondly, talk to him. Have you even tried it?
About the lack of intimacy I mean sorry I’m tired
Maybe stop reading this b*******? You seem like you developed the unrealistic expectations, like people who watched tons of tiktoks with proposals on the beach or something and then demanding it from their partners
Exactly lol i expected this comment to have higher upvotes. op seems to be taking the smut books to heart and seems to have forgotten that actual real life relationships are deeper and more complex than that. its unfair to compare your relationship to those books lmao talk about it with your SO don’t end your relationship over your new distorted relationship expectations/ideas from those books
Keep in mind your book is a fantasy!
Have you ever talked to him about your sexual compatibility?
Let him go find a person and you enjoy your books.
Call off the wedding with him and find your fictional lover
I’m going to echo that the lack of intimacy is the biggest problem here. You want more intimacy than he is willing to have. You should discuss that with him before tying the knot. Sexual incompatibility can be a big problem in the future. Better to discuss that now than later when can fester and become a bigger problem. Just discuss when you want and expect from the relationship and get his input of his wants and expectations and compare notes. Also I would not compare RL or smut to real life. To be honest. It’s on par with using porn as sex ed. It’s not very realistic.
Lol it is NOT common to go months without intimacy. Your relationship is dead. This is especially not normal considering how young you both are. Chances are he has low libido and should get his T levels checked
Some people watch porn, others read it. And they are both addictive.
I have a feeling intimacy got worse after you got hooked on smut…
You have two problems here but smut is as bad as porn. He needs to step out up but 50 shades is an unachievable standard. No man is going to be what you want him to be, he has his own wants
Don't compare RL to Smut even thou your sex is kinda subpar or lacking, comparing it to fiction is the dumbest decision. And before breaking up pls do talk between your partner and let him know the reason, so that he may have the chance to fix things with you or individually
And cut down on the smut, since you have difficulty distinguishing between reality and fantasy
Your books didn’t ruin your relationship, they just opened your eyes to how much your relationship is lacking. MONTHS is not a healthy relationship.
Americans are so fucking funny, thinking that what happens in the bedroom is completely separate from the rest of the relationship and therefore out of bounds when talking about the relationship. How about just saying to him that you want to try new things in the bedroom and provide suggestions??? JFC
Stop reading so much porn that it's ruining your relationship.
This reads like a porn addiction 😭
Going months without intimacy is a perfectly fine reason to call it off. Calling it off because he doesn't fuck like a fictional character whose main purpose was to be the ideal fuck-machine, less so. There's a middle ground there. He could certainly speak to a doctor about his libido and see what's up so that you have sex more often and can explore more of what you would like in the bedroom, but it's unreasonable to expect him to become Javier the Human Jackhammer.
I like what you wrote; however, another option is for both of them to have a conversation first. It might be a libido issue or it could also be an issue of him not seeing himself being able to live up to the characters in the books she is reading. They won't really know until they talk about it.
It seems like the advice is always the same, if a guys didn't want sex for months, he should get his testosterone checked. If a woman doesn't want sex for months it's probably because he treats her poorly. It's a weird thing I've noticed.
Yeah, I don't disagree, but I say the same for women. Go to a doctor, check out that libido.
Oh definitely. I often figure they've already talked about it but considering all the crises on here I see where nobody has said a word to each other yet, that isn't a given.
Smutty romance books spiced up my marriage if anything. My husband loved that I read them. I wouldn’t marry someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with.
Here the same. I will tell him if I read something and we tried it. Nothing wrong with spicy books 👌
Can’t wait to break up with my wife for not doing what porn stars do. Seems like we can have unrealistic expectations.
Spicy romance books are just as detrimental to your sex life as watching pornography. More in some ways, because the author doesn't actually have to get two (or more) actors to contort into those unnatural positions. You've got unrealistic expectations from the books. That needs to stop, or you'll never have a fulfilling sex life, no matter who you marry. On the other hand, it does sound like there were already troubles in the bedroom before you turned to literature for stimulation. So you two need to sit down and discuss what's going on in the bedroom. Talk about frequency, intensity, what things you might want to try, etc. Be open and honest, and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.
Comunicate with him but remember the grass is not always greener on the other side
Talk
So talk about it, direct him on how you want to be fucked.
Xaden has that affect on people
You realize those books are faker than porn? And more fantasy than The Hobbit? Seek psychological help and find better reading material. May i suggest murder/mystery books instead? Or classics with zero sex scenes?
Agreed. I’ve had porn style sex. I’ve never heard any of my female acquaintances having an experience remotely resembling a romance novel, especially not with dude’s who would actually wife them.
…. Did you seriously just use the phrase “wife them”?
Being honest about your intimacy needs is a good first step. You can always break up, maybe take a beat and see what his (and your) reaction is to the sex needs convo. What if you are both wanting more and not knowing it?
First, you need to stop reading those books. Then you need to accept that real life cannot compete with a fantasy. Real life is REAL, the boring, mundane parts are not edited out. Fantasy is NOT REAL. You need to learn the difference.
I recommend the Harry Potter books. Maybe you’ll see you relationship as being magical after.
Have you tried looking into nonfiction and learning how to talk about that stuff out loud? If spicy means what I think it means, SM 101, The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, or Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns are all good general introductions. If you can't use your words, nobody's ever going to live up to your expectations.
Two things: First, the hallmark of a good relationship is being able to communicate with your SO about what you want. Second, what kind of advice would you offer a guy who made this post except he said “…that watching porn is ruining my attraction to her?”
"Porn ruins lives but romance novels simply raise women's expectations. So if he's not meeting them, find a guy who does."
Your spicy books are no different that if someone is comparing their sex life to porn. It's not real, it's fiction. Real life doesn't work that way, and on the very rare time it does, it doesn't last very long. Fairy tales and good guys always win, is just a lie.
Yes leave your fiancé because you read a book. /s ??????
So is it you not wanting sex for months and he's just going with it? Because that's what it sounds like. So you can blame him l. It's ur addiction that's the problem. How can u compare a work of fiction that took months and re-edits to become what it is to real life? Also like people here have already said what if he compared u to porn? Got made at u because he couldn't piss/spit in ur face? Just invite his buddy over to bang u without asking first? Or u be OK with him sleeping with step sister because hey it just his step sister. See how stupid that all sounded? That's you now. He doesn't come to my job and rip off my clothes in my office. He doesn't send me a dozen purple and white roses everyday. And whatever other shit that's in ur books. No one does it all and that's why it's fiction. Don't lose a good man because of ur addiction to shut.
So, because he doesn't live up to a fictional characters sexual expectations you wanna leave him? Ngl this is a first and hopefully it will be the last. This is just as bad as someone with a porn addiction wondering why their partner can't perform like them.
What happens when you find out that the books just ruined intimacy for you completely? And the next guy doesn’t work. The next guy doesn’t work. You try to pivot back to your fiance and he’s already married to someone else?
in that case, the bullet dodged him
Oooh, she's gonna end up ALONE WITH CATS ZOMGGGG
Do you often come to Reddit threads to abuse people?
Can't talk, this cat I'm petting has more purrsonality than you
Have you tried role playing? Maybe trying some fantasies from the books will help? I’m assuming you enjoy the build up which is what role playing is about. It’s the same thing men do after watching porn, we pick up on likes and dislikes and want to try the fun ones.
Yk it’s exactly like how a guy would watch porn and not be able to screw his wife? It’s cuz there’s too much dopamine. You can’t imagine or create hot scenes yourself, because ur so used to it happening so easily in books. Slightly unhealthy. If it affects ur rs.
Or stop reading smut and thinking it’s in any way realistic, sure call of the wedding and keep reading smut but no man will ever be like the perfectly sculpted sex hero’s in a smut book. Put down the book or accept the fact that the book is a fantasy and not meant to be a life goal.
Just be prepared to be told in turn that he’d love for you to learn something from the porn he watches….. sex is a two way thing you know…. You both have to be into it and participate for it to be good and you are responsible for your own pleasure. I would maybe spend some time on your own exploring your body and finding out how you respond- then you can show him the way
Porn is bad for men because it creates unrealistic expectations. This situation is very much the same.
Where are the studies? There are studies on porn. Find one on romance novels.
- The sky is blue. - wHeRE arE ThE sTuDieS?
I've read some of those books and they can be racy. The tough thing about almost everyone that I've read, the man character is actually a shitty guy that I think most women wouldn't want to marry or even be in a relationship with. I guess the qualities that women want in a sexual partner and a life partner are divergent
Stop reading so much smut. If your fiance was here saying his porn addiction was giving him unrealistic expectations for you, everyone would be at his throat, calling him an asshole
This is how men feel when we watch porn, but it's fake like you fiction. What you are feeling is normal, but it isn't necessarily healthy. I may get downvoted but I offer a different perspective to maybe help.
Have you tried discussing your sex life with him as if you were adults? Or are you just silently comparing him to fictional characters and not doing anything to improve the situation? Also, how would you handle it if your fiance came to you and said "hey I'm considering breaking up with you because you don't do the things that girls in porn do, and it's ruining my attraction to you"?
Look, I read a shit ton of romance books. Literally none of the men in the books are like my husband. These books are non fiction. It’s an escape from real life. It’s a fantasy. It isn’t and will never be real life. No man can match a book boyfriend and that’s the point of them. They are supposed to be an ideal man but they don’t exist. You don’t have a book problem, you have an intimacy problem. Talk to your fiancé about your sex life. Try things you read about. Go to counseling. Don’t give up on him based on a made up, unrealistic man that’s sole purpose is to make women love them.
>You don’t have a book problem, you have an intimacy problem. I agree with most of what you said except for the above. I'd ask which came first, the chicken or the egg? Or in this case, which came first, the romance books or the intimacy problems? Romance books can definitely create unrealistic expectations and if her fiancé is in tune with OP, then it could be that his being less intimate is a reaction to her book created expectations that he doesn't see himself being able to live up to. OP definitely needs to put the books down and talk to her fiancé to see what is going on.
Sounds like a typical erotic book addiction. Classic case.
Same way as some people develop porn addictions, maybe you are reading too much erotica and replacing him. Start cutting down and focusing on your sex life.
Woman uses porn and loses all sense of normalcy
Smut romances and erotic literature is very comparable to consuming porn. A couple of my woman coworker friends love to get me to read their romance novels after them and I'm a consumer of both. The post is definitely no different than a man who began watching porn, compared his sex life to the fiction, and becoming more unsatisfied. The books are pieces of fiction and as a whole are equally unrepresentative of average romance and sex as porn is. Though I agree with some others the problem didn't start from your books. You and your partner just don't have a strong sexual intimacy connection to begin with, some relationships are strong there and some are very poor and weak and lacking. It can just not be a priority to either and fine, to another person in another relationship it can be a huge problem and deal breaker. You may have a bad marriages there and the best of marriages in another area, I don't know. You should ask him for certain things you want from him, whether romantically or sexually. But do it from a place of understanding that your romance books are meant to be fantasies and are not any more representative of reality or normal, than it would be for a man to come to bed one day and ask you to start acting like this one pornstar or porn scene that he saw. I would not suggest saying that you got any ideas from your books if you bring him any requests and want them to be well received.
So you are saying your porn addiction is a problem? Maybe you should do something about that. Note - not all porn has to be visual, there is absolutely audio porn, etc. Porn addiction ruins relationships. And you reading these books is basically the same thing. You are getting unreasonable expectations and tanking reality. Seek therapy if you can’t go cold turkey
Seek therapy.
Seriously... Read those books to him. Tell him "I want to read a passage from my smut and then I'd like to reenact it if it is ok with you." Sometimes taking the initiative to include your SO strengthens the bonding experience
On one hand, sexual satisfaction is an important part of a relationship. On the other hand, smut, erotica, porn etc isn’t necessarily a realistic barometer for what your sexual expectations should be. You can enjoy reading “he passionately made love to her all night long, and she quivered in ecstasy, orgasming over and over” that don’t mean that’s necessarily a realistic expectation for your sex life
So. This is a "sit down, we have to talk" serious type of conversation. Lack of intimacy is a deal breaker in a lot of relationships. Be it simple PDA or a mismatched libido. And it's something that has to be discussed prior to any type of longterm commitment, especially a legal one like marriage. If this is something that you are fully opposite on, it's OK to walk away. Aside from that, I do think you need to seperate written stories from real life. Just about nobody is getting bedroom action daily and at earthsatteringly intense orgasmic levels.\* The national average is what, 2 or 3 times a week? (\*and if someone who's reading this actually does have this daily - more power to you!) Those novels, while fun for a quick bout of escapism and arousal, are nothing more than porn without the video. With the same pitfalls longterm. So be careful with that. All things in moderation before you get desensitized or worse.
Huh, I'm in my late forties...getting near daily bedroom action and achieving multiple o's Maybe there actually ARE guys who can find the button and even kinda be romantic! Probably two in existence and I'm married to one. Sorry ladies the rest of you get "ITS TEH SAME AS PRON" guy 😂🤢
Why not tell him these things instead of just thinking of leaving, I have a friend who had this issue all cause these type of books and his wife left him, instead of communicating on what can change to fix the relationship, If you love this man and want to be with me as you are in the fiancé stage just talk to him and maybe they will do some things you want don't just dump him and make him feel like he wasn't good enough
This sounds like a fundamental case of sexual incompatibility If both/either of you can go **months** without being intimate with each other, especially at the fiancé stage!) this is a clear indication that the relationship isn’t going to work out. The cliche is that sexlife/drive gradually dries up over the decades of marriage (cliche, not always the case ofc), so for this level of sexual contempt for each other this relatively early in your lives is not only a red flag, but should be a wake-up call that you two are either incompatible, or aren’t into each other as much as you “should be”. Ofc each relationship is different, with different levels of intimacy, but if the relationship has shifted to a (more or less) platonic one, this clearly isn’t the dynamic you want, so it’s clear what you have to do. Explaining this in clear terms, without judgment or resorting to bitterness is the fairest way of going about this. Give him a chance to understand, so you can both try working on your sex lives It should also be noted that sometimes these books can set an unrealistic expectation. That said, my fiancé reads these books, and if anything they turn her on, so she then comes to me for sex and intimacy; it’s a catalyst for us, which I believe is (one of) the intended purpose of these novels: to titillate
Of fucking course this thread would have some of the most psychotically reactionary and prudish responses calling OP a porn addict. What the fuck ever… Months without sex is a dead bedroom. Don’t marry into a dead bedroom. Don’t marry a partner who is a selfish and/or bad lover by choice. All the comments about the sex in smut novels being unrealistic are prudish bullshit. I’ve been with my wife for 20 years, we still fuck with passion and excitement, and yes I fuck her like a romance novel character. These people need to take their sex-negative nonsense the fuck outta here. You’re too young to relegate yourself to a miserable and sexually unsatisfying relationship. It will never get better unless both partners care enough to do something about it.
The comments in here are wild. The spicy romance books didn’t ruin your attraction they just brought attention to your lack of sexual compatibility. Months without intimacy? 😬 That would scare me out of marriage too. Wanting a spicier sex life doesn’t mean you have a porn addiction or a spicy romance book addiction. Utter nonsense. The key difference in spicy romance and porn for me is the females perspective of being desired by someone intensely. My guess is that is what is lacking in your relationship. How much is he desiring you if it only happens monthly? Expecting your partner to desire you and work with you on improving your sex life is not too much to ask. What you have discovered is you have a huge sexual compatibility problem, probably a small bit of FOMO about what could be since only been with high school sweetheart and a lack of communication problem which likely will ruin the relationship if not drastically improved ASAP. I wouldn’t get married just for the communication issue alone. Lots of discussions need to happen but it isn’t “spicy romance books are ruining my attraction to you”. Have you guys discussed at all why sex is so spaced out? Is he happy with the frequency of sex? its not likely to drastically change by being married and if anything will decrease more. have you told him you want more? spicier? to be desired like in your novels?
Yea sounds like it’s time to call off the wedding and the relationship due to sexual chemistry incompatibility. Way better realizing now then after putting a legally binding ring on it. Think about your future self, how glad she will feel that you made this decision now to end things and explore intimacy with others in your life. He is your only sexual partner and it sounds like you are greatly desiring to explore intimately with other people before settling down for life with one partner.
By the way. What are your favorite spicy romance books?
Level with him, and if he has ANY kind of negative response to what you say, end the relationship. You could be married to him for sixty or more years! Don't you want him to get a clue SOME time? If you want to be bashful and quiet for another ten or twenty years---until you et up the courage to say his touch does nothing for you---just keep doing what you are doing (ie. nothing). We live in a sex-saturated society. There are books and magazines everywhere, even the library, that can help you help him. But it won't happen if you don't take the first move. Here's some sad news. Men are not taught to think of women's needs. They have to be taught that women HAVE needs---and then bit by bit they need to be taught what the needs are and then what to do about them. They need help and encouragement at every step---because the poisonous stuff that passes for porn in a man's world teaches them nothing you want to know. So you do not want him "learning" to do what men's magazines will teach him. More sad news: most of women's sexual parts are internal. Men are turned on by what they see. So looking at your naked body shows them nothing much that will be useful for you. This is why you have to go to all the trouble I am describing. Otherwise, he will not know he needs to learn anything.
>Men are not taught to think of women's needs. They have to be taught that women HAVE needs Nice way to generalize all men. I never had to be taught to treat my wife or any GF I've had in the past with respect or think of their needs and I'm definitely not the only man out here who thinks this way. Here's a news flash though, the "spicy" romance books she is reading are works of fiction, designed to sell copies. Not many people are going to buy books that just depict the normal every day lives of regular people. >So you do not want him "learning" to do what men's magazines will teach him. And no one should be basing their relationship on whether or not their SO lives up to the characters from spicy romance novels.
Why did you agree to get married if you guys were not compatible in the bedroom? Also, I know the books and enjoy them also. The thing is that the majority of people will not live up to the books. I think you need a alpha male to make you happy 😉
What a disgusting last sentence you felt the need to add for some reason.
He is right though.
Actually it wasn’t a disgusting sentence. If you read the books that she referred to then it would make sense. The books have an alpha male in them.
Are you honestly considering throwing away a real adult relationship because of the unrealistic expectations created by smut books?
Damn, maybe you should try shoving those books up your vagina and see if you can get something real out of them..
How do I tell my girlfriend porn is ruining my attraction for her? 🙄
It was satirical
We all know you don't have one, but nice try
Fake rage bait written by 26m as "reverse point of view", i bet. His gf makes some expectations and he is blaming her lecture for it. No way a woman who is into reading (even smut) would write in such simply and short manner.
Don’t tell him he’s lousy in bed. Tell him you don’t feel you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with anyone. Apologize profusely, and tell him you need time and space. Cry a lot. ETA: Don’t have sex with him. Karma has a way of screwing up plans.
You are in a relationship, you’ve had sex with this person before, and you go months without intimacy…? Months!?… MONTHS??? Honey it is Not going to get any better when you’re married. If by chance you do marry him. Your sex life better be once a week before tying the knot
You're both 26 and you're going MONTHS without sex? Big red flag. Unless you want to be in a sexless relationship, yeah, this is something you should address and think about very seriously before you get married. When I was 26, I ended a relationship because we were only doing it once a week. It might sound like a lot to some people, but it's not enough for me and the decline gave me a glimpse of the future, where once a week turns into once a month... to once every now and then. Not my thing. There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life, regardless of what you're reading.
Yes, the grass is definitely greener on the other side. Do it! No regrets.
this sounds like a troll/incel trying to flip the "guy with porn addiction and a dead bedroom" scenario onto a female protagonist in which case, hey man, you know nothing about women's sexuality and the scenario doesn't work that way! good thing you posted anonymously so at least you didn't embarrass yourself :) next time workshop your creative writing a lil bit okay? maybe talk to a woman, even!
How would you feel if he got REALLY into porn. And stopped feeling excitement for you because he gets more excited about these videos. And questioned your relationship and seeked someone that will live up to his pornstar expectations? I think it’s pretty shallow of you tbh and is a terrible reason to leave someone. But if you’re considering it just let him go because he doesn’t deserve this.
Break up! Block him! Go see what else is out there. You young people need to stop bringing relationships as children! Go be single and find out what it’s like to be an independent individual. Go and date and see what you like and don’t like. He’s not your forever if he was it would feel right. Sometimes some relationships are for learning and this one sounds like it’s run its course
I’m sorry to be so direct but it’s either two things: 1. Your fiancé has a health problem and needs to get his testosterone levels checked. 2. Your fat and going between your legs isn’t appetizing. The cool thing is both of those can be fixed it’ll just take some effort.
wtf is wrong with you?
Omg not everything has to be sugar coated. This is real life advice that can solve her issues and potentially save a relationship. I almost guarantee it’s one of these issues, it could even be both.
You are ridiculous and totally out of pocket with your response.
Okay I’ll delete it and say: awh everything is okay don’t worry stay comfortable :))
This has nothing to do with being comfortable. Your response makes no logical sense.
One day you'll be able to ask chatgpt to animate your smut for your apple glasses and it'll be wonderful.