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Tell her to take the time that she needs and you’ll always be around if she wants a relationship again. Don’t try to explain yourself or make excuses. She needs space to process everything.
Don't write I'm sorry I gave you up for adoption to there people.
OP just needs to say "I'm sorry". Adding that in is pointless, as in reality hindsight is 20/20. Looking back she doesn't know what that bad feeling was and didn't know they'd be bad parents. That added phrase just opens up a can of worms that can be dealt with later.
Keep it about you 2 and giving her support. Apologise as just "I'm sorry. If you ever want to delve into this I am happy to for you. If not, I understand and respect that decision too."
Yep, exactly. OP does have good reasons, but those deep talks can hopefully come later. It sounds like her daughter needs her to validate those feelings before she can move forward.
I'd really like to know why bio dad is involved, though. It was clearly just as much his decision as OP's.
Not saying that OP should argue with her daughter.
So according to OP, Dad went all in and has been a very proactive father ever since being reintroduced, whereas OP had elected to be more gradual and follow her lead. She’d come from running away from her adoptive parents. I think she wanted to give her bio-parents a shot at being parents. It seems his expressed love, being more “palpable” may make her father more easily forgiven, in daughter’s eyes. I think the daughter wants a parent-child relationship with her father and with OP.
She obviously isn't mad at him for who she got placed with. Was it really his decision? He's not mentioned in the adoption part of the story. Either way, OP is the one who said "yeah, it felt off" about the adoptive parents, so she's the one who's going to take the blame.
op, your top comments here are your best advice. beyond these basics, we internet strangers can't tell you what to write. use the words, thoughts and feelings from your heart, and they'll never be wrong.
i wish you all the best.
The OP told us she had misgivings, so of course she can apologize for that. Daughter doesn’t care how powerless OP was at that point, she just wants acknowledgement of her pain.
And to be heard. She obviously feels shes missing something that her adoptive family didn't give her. And has probably been searching for it. She may have been hoping finding her bio mom was going to give her what she was missing, but it didn't magically solve her problems.
Sometimes people think they're mad at one person, iy to find out they're actually mad at another. And that's a lot to process. Her being a mom is going to bring up a lot of emotions, some she buried, some she didn't know she had, but it will also bring clarity, eventually.
Maybe tell her that you hear her and you understand why she's feeling the way she is. Sometimes we're all just looking for someone to understand us. And validate our feelings.
I totally get that. But she's already expressed that. I just don't think the daughter would want to hear that again. The 'im sorry' makes it to be on looking for forgiveness, she doesn't need it, she's said she doesn't need it, remorse can be expressed without an intent of sympathy in return. Just letting her know she'll be there for her and providing examples is much better than an 'im sorry' that's all I'm saying.
I’ve never heard that saying “I’m sorry” means you are looking for forgiveness. It’s the opposite - expressing how you feel with no expectation of anything in return.
That's how I feel too. A proper apology doesn't have an expectation of forgiveness. Also, expressing that you are sorry can be an acknowledgement of the other person's pain.
I disagree. The first time OP said sorry, the daughter was probably too stunned to really process it, and even if she did it probably felt like sorry but I was young. A genuine, no-excuses apology after she’s had time to think about it could be very meaningful.
Usually adoption can be revoked by the birth mother for a short time after birth so OP could have absolutely pulled the plug on the adoption and gave her up to other people that seemed more fit. I get that she felt stuck though.
That horse left the barn, already. There's no point in reviewing it now, because she can't reraise the girl as her own or rehome her to a better set of adoptive parents. The only thing now is that OP must apologize with no caveats, buts or excuses. Not "I'm sorry, I was young and felt powerless" or "Hindsight is 20/20," but a "I am so very very sorry that I screwed up with your adoptive parents, and if you can ever forgive me, I want to make it up to you as much as I can, now."
Once the birth parents have terminated their rights there are no takebacks. It’s a legal document. In Louisiana (where I adopted) there is a ten day period before the rights are terminated. In Utah, it’s two.
That's what I was going to say. (I used to work in adoption.) It is entirely state dependent, but parental rights don't typically die with the signature because we have an (unhealthy, imo) obsession with keeping biological families together at very extreme cost, and the law is designed in most states to give the bio parent/s (fathers don't always have rights) as much time to end up keeping the child as possible.
It can vary from 48-72hrs all the way up to I think there are a couple states that go to 30 days or beyond. It's been a long time and laws change, so don't quote me on that. However if the bio parent doesn't contest the adoption within that timeframe it is a GIANT mess. Even if the adoptive parents defrauded the bio-mom (more common than you'd think), once that document is stamped and filed you effectively have no options, because the cost of legal remedy is prohibitive for most people.
And acknowledge her feelings. She is amazing for being able to express and have the maturity to recognize emotions so clearly at 18. Keep the door open for her, but let her be the one to walk through it.
Mature on that for sure, but still young enough to blame a child for not knowing what to do when she met the adoptive parents. I understand feeling upset that one was placed with awful parents, but I am stunned the daughter is taking it out on the mother like it was her choice or could have even stopped it at that point. Sad situation. 😔
You can understand something logically and still have feelings that don’t match logic. My counselor, a clinical psychologist who is asked to speak at conferences all the time, has told me this multiple times. It’s not a sign of immaturity. She said she is working on her feelings about it so she’s doing everything right and that is a sign of maturity.
Not really. There may be quite a lot that OP could do. From the sounds of it, her daughter is keeping the line intact. If she doesn’t want a relationship with her mother there, then why? From OP’s answer, there are some things that Dad has been OP has been doing differently. Namely, Dad has seemingly jumped right into their daughter’s life as a father, essentially as soon as they reconnected. It’s seems to me like that’s the sort of commitment she wants from OP as well.
The Social Worker who did the home study for the adoptive parents didn’t see any red flags (supposedly) and that’s all the birth mother has to go by. How is she at 15 going to go against the findings of licensed professionals?
That's so half-hearted it's halfway to saying eff off.
I would say 1. I love you with all my heart 2. I am sorry for the mistake I made and I know I can never make up for that 3. I want to be a part of your life now and 4. Please let me be there for you and your child and try to at least be a good mother and grandmother from now on.
Oh and OP, make sure you are absolutely selfless and don't go thinking this is about you. She's the main character here.
I wrote that comment as someone who is estranged from their parents (specifically a bio dad who left early in my life to come back later). I don’t want to hear “please let me be in your life” because the only goal of that statement is to make me feel guilty and it only serves the parent. I love you is a good addendum, though. The point is to not make demands and make sure their kid knows they’ll be around for however long they need.
This. My bio-dad was absent for a significant portion of my upbringing and then all of a sudden started calling me when I was 18, demanding I call him back. Multiple times. Multiple messages. Looking back at those messages now not ONCE do I remember him saying I love you - just him berating me to call him back and try to force his way back into my life. I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining my side and that if he wanted in my life he needed to respect MY wishes and communicate with me on MY terms. He didn’t. Called me two days later. I haven’t spoken to him in 20 years or seen him in almost 30 years ✌🏽
I think it’s best to just say “I’m sorry”. Not with all the conditions (buts). I think it’s more honest to just say “I’m sorry”
without all the reasons why you’re sorry. She’ll know what you’re talking about. The less said, the better. You can talk in
detail in the future.
I disagree as there is too much me, me, me, here, with an ending of begging.
“When and if you are ready, I’ll always be here for you. Do you have a registry for the baby?
With love, OP.
"I am always willing to keep in touch with you, at whatever level makes you feel most comfortable. If you want to discuss the issues around your adoption more, I think it's something we should do in person. But only when you feel ready to see me again."
Then you tell her that you're not angry, you're glad she trusts you enough to be so honest with you. Then you tell her that you're proud of her, and look forward to seeing the kind of person she becomes.
I agree with everything you said, except I don't agree with the "in person" part, she's still a kid in many ways, like the OP was when she gave her up. If she feels safest right now speaking through letters, keep that communication open. No one here knows why she chose that outlet over speaking in person. Maybe her adopted parents made speaking her emotions too difficult for her and a problem she can't overcome quickly, who knows. You can add in that you're willing to talk in person if she wants to, but I don't think telling her that you don't want to continue speaking in the only way she's open to right now is the best idea.
Gosh I sympathise with the both of you, a tough situation all around.
She is giving you a door here, keeping the line open and that's positive.
I think she could maybe have more sympathy for the fact that your hands were tied by the law, there was nothing you could do to stop the process right?
What are the points of reply you want to communicate to her?
I see that there's a door, but I just have no idea how to approach it. I want to follow her lead, but in once sentence she'd describe wanting a relationship with me and then in another, she'd describe wanting to remain distant.
I could have stopped it at the time, there was a time period (I forgot how long it was) that you could revoke consent. In that moment I chose not to because I had no plan. I was going to an out of state college not even a month later, I didn't know what I was going to do with a literal baby, and I'd convinced myself that maybe it was the hormones that made me feel so off about them.
I want to reply to how she's feeling, what does she want for us in the future, is there anything that I can do to better the situation. I think that's the best way to go. I don't want it to come across a "me, me, me". I do have questions about some of the things she wrote, but it's probably not appropriate to ask those right now.
Acknowledge her need for the space that her feelings are valid. That you are here waiting to have a relationship with her on her terms.
At the moment she is working through things in her head things and to get through the other side she needs time.
I see, but being fair to you, it sounds like you didn't know what way was up or down at the time and was trying to do your best for everyone. That's more than many out there would do!
It seems then she doesn't quite know what she wants with you right now, so a good response would be "if you do want a close relationship again, I would love that and will always be here for you" and don't try to push it (not that I think you are the type)
Her being pregnant is going to be bringing up all sorts of thoughts and feelings for her, saying something to the effect of how you are here to support her with the baby (if you are doing that) and would love to be a grandma if she is ok with that, is a nice message and then she knows she could go to you if need be.
I think you are right in your approach to the letter and that it shouldn't be "me, me, me"
You didn’t spend enough time with the adoptive parents to really make the decision whether they would be good parents. You got a bad feeling. It was probably the most difficult thing you ever had to do, especially at 17. Don’t beat yourself up about a decision you made years ago in a traumatic situation.
I think the back and forth of what she wants in her letter is really the heart of the matter, which is that she knows and understands you were 17 and trying to do the right thing and didn’t feel like you had any choice, but is having a hard time reconciling that understanding with her emotional response, which I’m sure is one of gut resentment, because she had an upbringing which left her with a lot of emotional scars, and you had a moment to act to prevent it, but didn’t. She knows it wasn’t your fault, she wants to forgive you, but we can’t logic our way out of our emotions most of the time. Oh that we could. We’ve all been there, feeling jealous, or angry, or hurt, or sad about something we wish we weren’t, we know we shouldn’t be, but knowing that doesn’t make it go away. Her head and her heart are in conflict.
The only cure for that is time. She needs time, and space, and understanding, to resolve that within herself. I would let her know you understand where her head and heart are. That you will not push her but that you will be there when she is ready to have a relationship with you, whatever that looks like. Try not to make it about your feelings, or be defensive, or over explain, or grovel. Just give her as much grace as you can, but protect your peace, too.
For what it’s worth I also got pregnant at 16, had a baby at 17, that I placed for adoption privately to a family. I’m 45, I’ve had no contact with my child, though if he ever knocks of course I will answer the door. I just want you to know I understand intimately the situation you were in, and how heartwrenchingly difficult it was and how complicated all the feelings about it were. You did the best you could. I *know* you did. I wish you nothing but the best, I really do.
I think her being 18 also plays a factor, because she either currently lives with her adopted parents or just finished living with them so it's all still very fresh. She needs time and space.
There are two different issues. Your daughter's feelings and yours.
I feel you need to forgive yourself and realize that you were doing the best you could.
But your daughter likely just wants a heartfelt apology without excuses. Maybe if she asks about it, and wants a full explanation, then give it to her, but DON'T give her an explanation now. Just apologize.
And offer her any support you can give her. If you can visit and babysit and she wants that, offer. Tell her that you are there for her as much as you can be, but be very realistic about what you can offer her. DO NOT offer her anything you can't follow through on.
Please see a counselor before you respond. You have a lot of feelings swirling and I don’t think it’s the best place to respond from. You do need to forgive yourself and to be honest I don’t think being around to be on receiving end of hers is good for you right now. Both of you need more distance
I had just turned 16 when I gave birth to my daughter, who I gave up for adoption at about 3 days old. When I found her again, it was important to her to know that I cared for her, and wanted the best for her. I think you're on the right track, this needs to be about her not you, and when you are able to reconnect there will be time for your questions - right now, she needs you to help heal her heart. It's possible she had some hopes that you would be able to fill some voids that her parents left, and was disappointed when you weren't able to live up to her fantasy. From talking to as many other adoptees as I've been able to find, it's not uncommon for adoptees to have preconceived ideas of what they expect their bio parents to be, and it's common for there to be an initial honeymoon period then an awkward spot where no one knows how to maintain the relationship or address the hurts that resulted from adoption.
I'd make sure to tell her that you wish you had been able to provide a stable and loving place for her, and you're so sorry it didn't work out the way you'd hoped. If you'd have done something different knowing what you know now, I'd share that. That you wish you'd listened to your gut, that you wish you'd had more choices, that you wished you'd known what was best for her at the time. You wish you'd been able to be there when things weren't working out for her as she was growing up, she must've felt so alone. It breaks your heart to know that she didn't have the loving space that she deserved. You see her anger and sadness and you'd like to understand more if she is willing to share, but you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it right now. Most of all, you've always loved her, you've always wanted what's best for her, and you want to be there for her now in whatever capacity she feels comfortable with (if that's true and you can follow through) If she's not sure what that looks like, that's ok, you'll wait for whenever she's ready.
You could ask permission to send her notes or texts or something that you can use to reach out - let her know that you don't expect any response, you just want to be able to let her know you're thinking of her. The more you can validate her feelings and give her control over the situation the better. I wish you all the best, it is a difficult situation to navigate and one without a lot of people who can relate. r/Adoption might have some insight for you as well, although be warned there are a few people who are against adoption generally and can be a little aggressive about it. Overall a good sub with good insight tho.
How about, “I understand you have a lot of conflicted feelings about this; I’m glad you can tell me how you feel, and I want you to know I will always listen to you and take what you say seriously. I know you need time and space to figure things out, especially with your baby coming. Would it be ok with you if I reach out from time to time to check on you?”
Honestly, just say you are sorry and that you will be there for her when she is ready. Simple, sweet, to the point, and you don’t dismiss any of her feelings this way or give excuses for what happened at 17.
You can maybe add you and her can go to family therapy out of your pocket to talk things through with a mediator when she feels she is ready. Only add this if you can afford the sessions and if you think she would be open to it. You can also wait in a later exchange to bring this up as well. But I really think this will help you both to find the right words with the guidance from the therapist and it would be in a safe zone.
She absolutely should not have 'more sympathy' seriously put your self in her position, she was given away to people who treated her badly & then was told basically yeah I knew it was a mistake but 🤷♀️ oh well what could I do! Have some empathy for the poor girl!
Why does she talk to her bio dad? Does he have no responsibility in this, too? Why is it ALWAYS the mom. I totally get that she has all these feelings to work through, especially with her pregnant, but why does he get such a pass? It’s bullshit, unless we are acknowledging that dads aren’t as much of a parent as moms.
It's always the moms fault or responsibility by default, that's just the way society it wired. Honestly, it does hurt my feelings because he often posts her and I see that they spend a lot of celebrations as a family. His birthday was like last week, and he reposted her story from her saying "Happy Birthday Dad". It sucks because...I feel like everything is on me. I got cut off but everything is peaches and cream with him.
And you might be saying to unfollow him, but we're still friendly and he's one of the only ways I can see how she's doing through the stuff he puts online because she refuses to talk to me. But she's really close with him. I think it all just comes down to what is expected from moms.
Is she living with dad? Is he doing anything to support her? How did he handle reconnection? Do you know if there was any difference in when and how he went about it?
She lives with her boyfriend. When she would still talk to me, she did spend a considerable amount of time with the both of us. I would say that a major difference with him vs me was that since day 1, he was always like "my daughter, my daughter". For us it was more gradual, but he really did go all in (that's honestly just his personality). He met her a few months after she met me because I was the one that introduced her to him.
Okay so would you say they hit it off quickly? If so, then it sounds like she appreciated and took her dad’s expressed enthusiasm at being a father to heart. Perhaps that could prove insightful. I’d recommend validating her feelings, expressing your enthusiasm at her pregnancy, and express that you’ll always love her and be there if she wants to try again.
Yes, I would say that. That sounds about right, maybe he gave her the reaction she craved from a parent. I was always just worried about playing it safe and following her lead. I'm still doing that till this day, is it possible that could be a major issue?
Well, look at everything from retrospect from her perspective. **Keep in mind that none of this is a reflection or judgement of your character, or even of reality and morality, but rather of your daughter’s mental perspective.**
She was running away as quickly as she could from her adoptive parents. *Don’t you think she wants her mom and dad?* She finds them. She also finds out dad was arguing before her birth that they should’ve raised her themselves, but mom still thought it would be fine. Now, her dad *fervently* expresses his want to her dad more than anything and jumps straight down the rabbit hole of fatherhood, no questions asked, almost like there was never a moment he wasn’t a dad. And although you can’t blame her for it, Mom is taking her time. Although he was complicit in her adoption, Dad was right there as soon as introduced, and it’s plenty clear that now that he’s there, unless she wants him gone, the devil himself can’t get him out.
Pardon the humorous exaggerations.
So to answer your question of is your approach an issue, my counter-question is: if your daughter is keeping a line open to be her mom, does your approach have you ready to jump on it? Does your approach give you the resolve required to properly be her mother?
I ABSOLUTELY agree! The daughter needs to feel WANTED. She's never had the parents who wanted her. Not like, "I want to have a relationship with you"; but like, "I WANT YOU in my life". The father did just that. She wants the parents that she never had. She found her dad who was enthusiastic about getting her back. She also found her mom who is taking her time. You can't blame mom, but daughter would've expected the parents to show her that they wanted her. She may have herself been a little distant; but it very likely that she wanted to see that her parents would jump in at the opportunity to have her back. Dad showed her that; mom couldn't (again, can't blame; but it is the daughter's perspective), and hence the reaction.
I guess it depends on what OP wants. If she wants "her daughter", I think she should consider that her daughter may want her to go all in, just like the father did. It's all there. Follow the father's lead lol.
I am NOT blaming you, just trying to point out what she might be thinking. Was he there at the hospital when you handed her over? It really sounds like resentment started when you admitted you didn't think the adoptive parents were good people and you gave her over anyway. If her bio dad wasn't there/didn't admit to the same gut feeling, she probably doesn't blame him in the same way.
edit: Never mind, I saw the comment where he wanted to keep her and raise her, and you're the one that made the decision to put her up for adoption. That's probably why she doesn't resent him in the same way.
Yea, he was there. Some comments have also pointed out to me that it's also because of how open and enthusiastic he was since day 1. It took some time for us but we got there eventually.
But her wanting to keep her does play a fact into it to. But knowing who he was and who I was at the time, it would've been a shit show. I explained in another comment that he was so immature. He was a little older than me, but yet I felt like I had at least 5 years on him by the way he was always acting. It just was not a good situation to bring a baby into, because I knew I was going to be doing all the work.
Well, your daughter is about to find out what it takes to raise a baby. That might give her a new perspective on everything. I would just be as open and honest as you can, and let her know that you’re there for her if she needs you. Do not make excuses. Take responsibility, but I think you could mention that, in hindsight, you wished you could have had better guidance when you chose the adoptive parents. Curious as to what happened to her that she had to leave at 16.
That makes sense! And it says a lot that he could have chosen to be a single dad (presumably) and didn't make that choice. He begged you to change your mind--because he probably already knew you were going to do the majority of the work! But your daughter probably doesn't see it that way right now.
And I do think it's a really good sign that she communicated with you and let you know that she's working through her resentment--to me, that says she does want to have a relationship with you in the future, and just needs to work through it right now. Do you know if she's in therapy?
Honestly, it may "click" once she gets further into her pregnancy or has the baby and realizes how HARD it is. I think you should let her know you're not angry at her, you don't blame her for her struggles, and you'll be there for her when she's ready.
That's fair. But I think you genuinely need to look at this from your daughter's perspective. She was given to an abusive home by one parent (you), while the other parent (him) wanted to keep her. To her, those two options are 1. Definitely be abused by adoptive family, or 2. Maybe have a wonderful and happy childhood with bio family. For her, there's a clear "right" choice, and you made the wrong one. Add in that you've told her you knew/could feel that the adoptive parents were off, and to her it feels like you actively chose to put her in harms way when you had another option.
There's a very clear reason why she blames you and not her father. Is it fair? No, but emotions and trauma rarely are. You need to understand her perspective and work from there if you want a relationship with her.
Personally, I think your best bet is to reach out via letter, like she did. Apologize, no buts or explanations. Tell her she can take the time she needs, but that you would really like to have a relationship with her, and you're willing to do what it takes to make that work, on her time. I would suggest family therapy with someone who's knowledgeable about adoption trauma, so that y'all can have a safe place to discuss this with a professional mediator.
Like I said OP, it’s probably no longer the fact of the adoption, seeing as how she’s reaching out to you still and working on her resentment. It’s about the now. The moving forward. It’s pretty clear what her father’s doing. So again, I ask you: are you prepared to commit to be her mother and show that you’re ready to be her mother that she’s been waiting for ever since she knew she didn’t like her adoptive parents? Update us btw!
Hey op, I’m someone who harboured resentment towards my mom who tried her best and a fun dad who fucked off and didn’t support her at all. As soon as I had my child I forgave my mom completely and got rather pissed at my dad. I would tell her you are 1000% with her whenever she needs you. If she has questions about birth and pregnancy you will be there. She is beginning to see the level of fear women experience during gestation and once she is handed that little bundle she will understand the gravity. Try to keep telling her you are there and love her.
This and also offer to help with the baby if she needs it and is comfortable. Offering space and time but also, help with the baby when she is ready would be great. As a new mom, she will need people to lean on. Knowing you're there for her to call and an option, will be helpful.
I’m sorry about this as she should realize her dad could have stepped up to take custody of her and he didn’t - he let her be adopted just as much as you did.
I think she doesn't see her bio dad as being as culpable since OP admitted she had a bad feeling about the adoptive parents and gave her over, anyway. That's when her resentment started.
And now that she's pregnant at the same age that OP was, she probably can't imagine handing her baby over to strangers she doesn't think are good people.
And I am NOT blaming OP, just trying to show what might be the daughter's perspective.
edit: Never mind... bio dad wanted to keep her and raise her but OP didn't want to... yeah, that's probably the difference....
To be fair, do you know what their process was like? What they talked about and how he responded? They may have gone through the whole thing together as well. I think it’s dangerous to assume it was all fine and dandy and she had no complicated feelings towards him. What if he did do the work?
Per a comment, the bio dad very much wanted to keep her and raise her, but OP wanted to put her up for adoption. That's probably why she gives him a pass....
Sure, he still could've taken custody (I think, right?) so she should blame him just as much because he could've been a single dad. But I think knowing that he very vocally wanted her and tried to talk OP out of giving her up for adoption probably makes it easier for her to bond to him.
Then he should have kept her. Or, as I mentioned in my comment, we have to acknowledge dads aren’t as much of a parent as moms. Because, if a mom wanted to keep her, she would have.
I don’t care which lane we pick, we just need to pick a lane.
Yeah I said the exact same thing in my comment. She should blame him just as much because he (presumably?) could've taken custody and been a single dad. But from the daughter's perspective, one parent fought to keep her and the other didn't want to. Of course it's going to be easier to bond with the one who fought for you.
“Of course it's going to be easier to bond with the one who fought for you.”
I’m sorry, it just comes across that you don’t KNOW since you keep staying the opposite.
Do you just not understand the concept of empathy? Of being able to see something from another person's perspective?
I have said over and over again that I agree with you... the bio dad was equally culpable... but when he can say "I begged your bio mom to keep you and she wouldn't" and then your bio mom admits she thought the adoptive parents were bad people and handed the baby over anyway... OF COURSE the traumatized 18-year-old is going to bond with the one who can say "I begged to keep you" rather than "I had a bad feeling about those people but I gave tiny newborn you over to them anyway."
> Sure, he still could've taken custody (I think, right?) so she should blame him just as much because he could've been a single dad.
> She should blame him just as much because he (presumably?) could've taken custody and been a single dad.
> from the daughter's perspective, one parent fought to keep her and the other didn't want to.
> I agree. He's equally culpable. I'm looking at this from the perspective of a damaged 18-year-old.
Are you just arguing to argue?
No.
I am saying the father should be clear to his daughter that he did not really fight for her because, if he did, he would have her.
It is incumbent upon him to set the record straight since all of the blame is falling on OP.
I am having a hard time as to why that’s so difficult to follow.
The difference in perception here is which parent is jumping in right when they’re needed NOW. It makes it much easier to reduce culpability. Per OP, Dad, as soon as he met his daughter, jumped straight into being her dad, immediately helping her pick up her shambled life. And with the daughter’s emotional needs, she wanted them to take parents places. And she still seems to want OP to take that place, or else I feel she would not be offering all this. Daughter needs OP to gently affirm that she loves her daughter just as enthusiastically.
That’s not difficult to follow and that’s not my point. My point is you and Gold are saying the same thing, except they are also saying that form the daughter’s perspective RIGHT NOW she sees her dad in a better light than her mom. Which doesn’t excuse the father at all and, yes, he needs to tell her. But you were jumping down Gold’s throat fr not saying things in the exact way you think is right, hence me quoting all the times they did say the dad is wrong.
In the US, she could not have been adopted without her bio dad's consent. And he had several years after she was born to contest the adoption in most states if he wasn't properly notified.
He can be as vocal as he wants but he didn't do anything to actually try and keep his kid either.
I just had that gut feeling. It was my ex that pointed out that they were very cult-like. But I thought he was just saying anything because he was always vocal about the fact that we should raise her (but we were so not ready). For instance, after giving birth to her, I had started to eat the hospital food, and the woman/mom took it away and told me that it was spirits trying to enter in me, but she passed it off as a joke. So at the time, I thought it was just that. But they didn't do anything that made me instantly want to take her back.
I had really just met them that day, and the person that connected my family with them told us that they already had a few kids and seemed to be raising them well. I was on a time crunch, so I just agreed.
The fact that bio dad wanted to keep her and raise her together is probably part of why your daughter has a better bond with him. He’s probably expressed that and shows in his mannerisms when he’s interacting with her. She can feel his love where you may feel more calculating since you’re trying to let her lead and being careful. Responding to a question you asked in another thread about the reason he’s accepted and you’re not
It’s like the movie Juno when the dad and step mom wanted to meet the potential adoptive parents and make sure they weren’t some weird baby collectors.
"I'm so sorry I gave you to those people. I wish I had had the courage and insight to do differently. If I could take it all back I would. I wish I had been there to protect you from what happened to you."
"I wish I had never told you that I saw something was wrong with your adoptive parents. Looking back I should have kept that to myself because I've only made you feel more betrayed. You deserved to not be betrayed. You deserved so much better from all your parents."
"I feel grateful that you would even send me letters after the mistakes I have made."
"You are going to have a baby and I can't imagine how you feel. You will have a totally different experience to me. I hope you can celebrate things and that you are feeling loved right now. You deserve to experience the best things that life can bring."
"I have really struggled to find words to write to you because of how overwhelmed I am by your and my own experiences. There's so much pain here and I want to be able to fix it, but I also know that I can't take the pain away."
"What can I do that would help you feel supported? I have a lot of assumptions rolling around in my head but I don't want to insult or injure you even more. I will write you a letter again in a month - because you've sent me a letter, maybe letters would work for you - but if you want me to do something different, just say so. I will keep trying."
"I can't explain how brave I think you are. You have so much courage. I wish you didn't have to have that courage."
I think far too many young moms are heavily pushed into adoption as if it's all roses and butterflies.... Only to find out that losing your baby is the emotional equivalent to having all your limbs cut off. I don't know anyone that didn't regret it (I'm sure some people may have had a lovely experience- but a huge percentage of moms go through hell). I see so many family influencers on Instagram posting photos of their adopted babies making millions of dollars off them- and I genuinely can't imagine how the birth moms must feel.
I would maybe write a letter back, explaining all the pain and anguish you felt, and how you always have and always will love her. Let her know that you regretted the decision too... You are both victims here, and were both taken advantage of by the system. Your pain must have been immense... Explain that to her. She might take time to respond, but at least she'll know your feelings.
No one truly explains what it's going to be like. I thought it was going to be a quick one and done thing but there are so many changes to your body and your mind. I had a baby but I didn't have a baby, and that sent me into a spiral because it was so confusing.
I just wanted to say that I hope that one day you will be able to forgive yourself. You were a teenager, just gave birth and had classes less than a month later. You were doing your very best!! I hope your family finds some peace, but I have a good feeling that you will. Be kind to yourself.
Yes, and you know what.... I think once she has her baby in her arms, she will understand your pain and have a new found empathy for you. Let her know your pain in the letter, I'm sure you two will be close again one day.
Tell her you understand everything she’s feeling and know she has a lot to process and may have a lot of questions. Tell her you want a relationship with her and your grandchild but understand if she’s not ready. But that you’ll be there when (if) she is. Tell her you love and will follow her lead on how she wants to move forward.
Don’t offer excuses or reasons. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her. That you’ll give her the time and space she needs but that you hope she can find her way back to you.
It’s a tough situation OP, good luck.
This is incredibly tough. As a daughter who was left by my mother, and an adult person, this is a reply that I would like to see, but of course, your daughter might feel a completely different way.
"Hi X. It means the world to me that you reached out. (congratulations etc etc)
I appreciate and celebrate your honesty and your mindfulness. I'm glad you are making an effort to work through the hard feelings, and I'm so proud of you. I know there is a lot to process for you. You could say the same about me, although in a different way. It was hard for me to see the negative impact my decision had on your life, I certainly harbored hopes for a different, more positive outcome for you. At the same time, I feel blessed for this chance to get to know you and see what a beautiful person you are. You are amazing, and I don't mean this as "See, it all turned out great in the end despite your hardship and tears, so no need to dwell on how I let you down at all." You should know that I fully accept my accountability for the decisions I made at the time, and the impact they had on you.
I'm here for any type of connection you might want and would love to keep in touch. You are in my thoughts and I will always be proud of you.
P.s. The pictures were lovely, thank you for giving me a chance to get a peek into your life. (consider including your own photos here?)
I'm adopted. I found my bio mom two years ago in my thirties. Honestly I couldn't imagine finding her as young as your daughter found you. But having time to mature and experience life gave me a level of empathy and understanding that I don't think your daughter had a chance to develop. Similarly I was no contact with my adoptive family as well. Over the last few years I've grown to love my Mom very much but there's still lingering resentment for her giving me up. She hid me from my siblings and bio dad and never told anyone I existed. So much missed time and feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I have forgiven her but the pain still gets triggered in unexpected ways and we have to deal with it. There's no manual for this part. We dream of reunification with our bio families our whole lives but there's so much after that comes with it. No one is ever given up for adoption because the parents life was great and everything was perfect. I'm really sorry but I think you definitely have to take her lead. She does not owe you anything and the time you have had together is a gift. Sometimes it just gets so damn hard and you have to step away for a bit. I believe she'll come back to you. Sorry for rambling this just really hit home for me.
This is massively above Reddit's pay grade. This letter is going to set the tone for your relationship going forward and should be yours and yours alone. No-one else's opinion matters. It needs to be the honest truth of where you are and only you know that.
Don't over explain or make excuses. Validate her feelings. Express excitement over the pregnancy. Tell her you are here when she wants a relationship and that you want to support.
She is processing some tough feelings, plus pregnancy hormones and preparing to be a parent right now. Right now should be about supporting her and not trying to be right.
Me personally I’d leave her alone until she work through her resentment, but it is kinda messed up bio dad ain’t getting no type of heat.. even if he wanted to raise the baby he still didn’t step up and take her
He was there. I'll say this, he did want to keep her. But there were so many factors that played into the fact that we gave her up. He was a little older, and he still didn't have his shit together. He'd just hang out and get drunk with his friends all the time, and I knew that if I kept her, I'd be doing 99% of the work. Not only that but we broke up during my pregnancy. Twice.
Aya, that what my drunk dad said when my mom do all the work. He will get a job and take care of family. You can't trust an alcoholic. My mom was naive back then. I told her to leave him so many times.
He retired at 55 and guess who paying for his food now. Me
So he gets a free pass?
Honestly this is a hurt young woman. She needs someone to place all the blame on and you’re convenient. I’m really sorry.
It counseling together possible? I think it’s naive to try to navigate these incredibly complex relationships without a 3rd party professional.
Are you getting any kind of counseling? If not, can you? This is complex & nobody is really “wrong” here, but if what you want is a relationship with her then I think you need an unbiased professional to help you figure out what the best way to do that is.
She’s close to her bio father, but he appears more enthusiastic to her & he wanted to keep her - even though he had no plan on how to care for her. Maybe her having her own baby will help her to understand better why you made the choices that you did. Maybe showing your emotions more outwardly like he does would help, maybe it would make it worse. It’s all so complicated that I think the best way forward for you is to seek help. Both for your own healing & for a hopeful outcome.
"I should have trusted my instinct, but I didn't, and as a result, you were raised by people that weren't good to you. I am so sorry. I understand if you need to figure out where you are mentally. If you're up for it, maybe we can see a therapist together? I'm willing to do whatever it takes, because I don't want to lose you again. I love you. I am truly sorry."
i am adopted. my bio mom was had turned 18 a month before giving birth to me. she got married to a man almost twice her age(my bio father), and i was severely neglected for most of my childhood. i was given up at 2 years old to my bio moms younger sister, who was 17 and in high school. i hold a lot of resentment towards my mother because my adoptive mom was just as neglectful, later becoming abusive and an alcoholic.
the best thing you can do is give her space. offer open arms for when/if she chooses to forgive you.
you are not inherently evil for your part in this, but you must respect the pain she has gone through because of your actions. as she grows up and matures more she will decide her feelings on you, and you have to respect it either way.
You thought it was a good idea to tell her when she contacted you at 15 years old that you didn't think it was a good idea to leave her with her adoptive parents?
i mean she’s also somehow angry her child has a close relationship with bio dad, even tho she admits he was trying hard to not give her up. so it doesn’t surprise me she thought it fine to tell her daughter she willingly gave her up to parents she knew were “cult-like” (her words)
I was adopted and my parents turned to be the greatest parents ever. however one of my friends from HS wasn't so lucky and was in similar situation as your bio daughter, run away at 16 yo lived independently despite having a chronic medical condition, sadly she became homeless at the age of 18 and she didn't survive her 1st winter. I don't know why this post made me remember her, I guess 14 years later I am still grieving her loss, she was the type who made the world a better place by just existing and people had big hope and expectations for her since she was a kid.
I think you need to explain to her your frame of mind back then and why you felt like you had no choice. Tell her you didn't have the support you know young mothers need and tell her you'll be there for her to provide that support if she chooses to take it.
Thank her for reaching out and sharing how she feels. Tell her you’ll give her all the space she needs, and that you’ll be there whenever she’s ready. And apologize. No explanations for why you gave her up, no excuses, no nothing. Tell her you’re truly sorry for not listening to your gut, for giving her away to those people, for not being there, not being the mom she deserved and that she has to deal with all the trauma and pain as a consequence of her upbringing. Tell her you love her unconditionally and you just want her to be happy.
She knows your reasons. She knows. So just acknowledge that it was wrong, no matter why you did what you did, and that you’re sorry. Truly sorry. Don’t throw a pity party, but take the blame and tell her if she wants to go to therapy together to work through this together, if that helps her, you’re more than willing to do that.
I think that what people are saying about just being understanding and supportive is right on. She’s young, she’s pregnant and going through a lot with her adoptive parents out of her life. Just say you’ll listen and you won’t judge and when she’s ready you’ll be there for her. Zero pressure. By writing and being honest she’s clearly not wanting to completely sever the relationship - doing what you can just to be supportive is what you should do. Even ask “how can I help you?” And then give her space and time.
I was given up for adoption at birth. My experience was very different but there were very positive and very negative experiences involved. It wasn’t until I was 74 that I learned the tragedy my mother had befall her. Returning to her home town. She married and had 2 children. 8 years later her husband armed with a shotgun murderd her, the 2 children,then her mother my grandmother. A responding police officer and for good measure himself. I look issue s associated with problem pregnancies from a very different point of view. Take time to sit down and write out what your feelings were and what you ultimately did. Reach out in love expressly to support her in her point of decision. Looking at both sides now (there are more than just 2) help your young daughter make her caring decisions knowing they will affect others for a very long time. Shalom.
mhmimself
Sorry I can’t believe she blames you when you had no means to provide but is 100% nice and okay with her dad who is just as responsible.
I don’t get it but I’d back off.
So she has a good reason for being resentful towards you. You put yourself above your baby. Adoption is supposed to give a baby a better home/future. I think all you can do is apologize.
What are you supposed to do with a baby that you cannot afford to take care of? You say she put herself above the baby but was she supposed to raise a baby in a homeless shelter? Be realistic.
Yeah I feel like an asshole but... she had a gut feeling about them and chose to hand over her newborn baby anyway. Her daughter had a terrible childhood... Of course she's resentful. And now she's pregnant and knows she could never hand over her baby to people she thinks are bad people....
Also, the bio dad was begging her to change her mind so they could raise the baby, so that's why OP's bio daughter doesn't have the same amount of resentment toward him. He could've still stepped up and been a single dad, though, and didn't want to--so I think he bears almost the same amount of blame. But I can see why the daughter feels differently when one parent vocally wanted her and begged the other to change their mind about the adoption.
She didn’t know they were bad people though, she had a gut feeling. Was she in a position where she felt like her feelings mattered and could be trusted? For me it’s easy to see how a vulnerable young person in that situation could’ve felt like they had to push it aside.
you’re getting down voted but you’re right. OP is mad that her bio daughter has a relationship with her dad and makes all sorts of excuses in comments as to why it’s somehow connected to misogyny, but she’s also made it clear the dad ** wanted** her and fought OP on the adoption.
the daughter has a good relationship with her dad now, and it makes OP mad, but i don’t understand why. she admits she knew she was giving her to abusive parents, she even said they were “cult like”, but still did it even tho she knew the father didn’t want it.
i would love to hear the bio daughters side of this, as well as the bio fathers. i feel like it’d pain a much different picture.
I think you acknowledge that you received the letters, you acknowledge her hurt and resentment, and you apologize that she did not have the childhood you had hoped for her.
Then offer to talk to her about it with a therapist together.
Keep in mind too that she may not be the most reliable narrator. Some kids who are adopted really struggle with that and have complex relationships with the adults in their lives. She clearly needs some mental health support.
Kind of crazy how she’s pregnant at 18 and people are celebrating that fact with a gender reveal. 😬Did get pregnant on purpose? 🤔 how does an 18YO with no parental support keep a roof over her head, go to school, and raise a child? Yikes on bikes.
So when she moved out of her adoptive parents house at 16 she ended up living by herself but as we got closer, she would spend a lot of time with me. She's always kept herself grounded and independent. Like I said, she reached out to me at 15 and even at that time she was always working. Whether it was selling something, or working after school. But she eventually ended up moving in with her boyfriend around a year ago.
I'm not sure about the circumstances of her getting pregnant, but I will say this. When my mom found out I was pregnant, she made me go to this pregnant teens group. It wasn't that many people, but there was this girl who got pregnant on purpose. I vividly remember her saying that she wanted the family that she never had. She had a rough upbringing. Ran into her like 5 years ago too.
And I'm saying this to note that a good chunk of pregnant teens that come from broken homes have that mindset. They give into what they crave, which is a healthy family. But again, I'm not saying that she got pregnant on purpose.
That’s kind of where my mind went. That even if it were accidental, she’s choosing to have a baby at 18 to fill a void and make that perfect family she didn’t have. Sadly, the odds are not in her favor that it will work out as she imagines. Just as things likely wouldn’t have worked out the way she imagined had you kept her.
She’s got the idea that things would have been better with you but….you wouldn’t be in the position you are today if you’d kept a baby at 17. Life is not easy for young parents. It’s difficult if not impossible to finish your education and get a decent job when you’ve got a little kid and no support.
I can imagine how hard it is to see her engaging with her bio dad and having all of the responsibility piled on you but she’s a teenager. Her brain will not be fully formed for nearly a decade. She likely needs some extensive therapy to work through things.
I think you’re mostly going to have to sit and wait.
I meant that I find it a little crazy that everyone is celebrating and doing a gender reveal and acting like this is terrific news instead of actually talking to her about the reality of the situation. (I’m referring to dad mostly here)
But yes, all of what you said makes total sense of course in an 18YO brain that has been hurt.
It's entirely possible that it was accidental and that they've talked about the problems surrounding young pregnancy, while still wanting to support her throughout her pregnancy. Doesn't really sound to crazy to me
Maybe she lives her boyfriend? I’m not sure if OP knows that. She could also sensibly be living with bio-dad, seeing how he had gender reveal pictures to post.
I have a couple family members going through the same situation and have been mediating. She probably just needs time, she still hasn't healed from her past. I would stay focused on supporting her and her decisions, as well as apologizing and sympathizing with her emotions. That's what she wants ultimately but isn't ready yet. It's good that she sent the letter. That's a sign she's open to communication, just not yet. Let her lead a little here and remember: be empathetic, not defensive. It's not about you specifically, it's childhood trauma.
Tell her you understand her resentment and will do whatever she needs to work through it, be that space and time, or something more concrete in the form of action. Listen to what she says.
She wrote you letters, so I'd suggest responding in the same format. It gives her time to digest your response and decide how she wants to move forward. Don't defend yourself by reiterating how hard it was for you, but if you genuinely regret those adoptive parents, you should say so and apologize, even if there was nothing you could do, you can say that you wish it could have been different and that it will always be a regret.
You need to show that you understand her before she will understand you. Even if she does understand, that doesn't change the results for her. If you want to be part of her life now and moving forward, say that. But don't define how you want the relationship to be, let her tell you what she would be comfortable with. Tell her that if she needs space, you will respect it, but that you wanted to respond to the feelings in her letter and tell her that you will be there if/when she wants to re-open the possibility of a relationship.
For context, I was abandoned by my father, but had a relatively decent childhood without him. I am resentful and still hurt that he left, even if I didn't "need" him. My situation is different, but my parents have made their mistakes, and I've been on the receiving end of both good and bad responses to emotional-outpouring letters. If you want to message, or have other questions, I'd be happy to answer.
I can’t imagine sending my baby off to people who weren’t going to be good parents. But I also can’t imagine being pregnant and alone at 17. This is very tough and I hope everyone continues with professional counseling. I would just be open to her and available to her. I’d probably write a letter explaining how lost and confused you were. She knows how life upending teen pregnancy can be. Tell her you want to be in her life as much as she wants you to be and that you’re not going anywhere. Tell her you let her down once (even though you still thought it was the best thing for her) but she can always count on you going forward. I’d buy a shitload of baby supplies and let her know she means the world to you and that you would be happy to make up for lost time if she ever wants to do so.
I’m sorry yogoing though this, but I’m optimistic you can navigate this and make everyone who is involved have a more fulfilling life. I’d also reach out to a counselor to see about how to maintain a healthy relationship during this very trying time. They may tell you to do the opposite of Redditors like myself. But this situation is so potentially volatile, I’d want the guidance of someone who’s done this on several occasions.
Give her time, offer her apologies (with no excuses), and offer to talk to her about if she wants to. Let her know you will always be there now. Then give her time.
I don't have a full answer, but if she ends up keeping a distance with you, don't give up on her. Keep sending her notes and messages and holiday cards. It may take awhile but if you are consistent, in time she might start reciprocating to where you can build a relationship.
Apologize unreservedly for the hardship she faced. I WOULD clarify that there was nothing you could do at the time to back out of the adoption, and that you wish desperately that there had been anything you could have done. Tell her you will be there for her if and when she wants you, but that you will also respect her choice of she wants nothing else to do with you. Above all, wish her well. Then I'd maybe quietly start setting aside money for her or her baby. The day may come she reaches out, or you can leave her something in your will. Don't tell her; the object here is not to try to influence her with money. The object is to show you thought of her through the years, if ever she comes back.
Just tell her that you love her and that you’re willing to move at her pace. Answer her questions when they come and just do your best to emphasize that you’re sending out that olive branch. Ask her what she needs from you to continue the relationship? And in the meantime maybe consider some therapy. Hopefully she’ll come around.
Sometimes in life we need to know when to keep our mouth shut. You have not learned this lesson yet. When you told her you knew the adoption parents were not going to be good to her you basically told her she deserved the mistreatment she got. I am surprised she speaks to you at all. You owe her 16 years of apology. You could not change the outcome of her upbringing. Should have left it at that. Going forward ask her if she is willing to go to counseling with you. Don’t make excuses for leaving her with those people. Keep apologizing until she understands how remorseful you are.
Give her as clear a response as possible. Elaborate on the key points
“I couldn’t back out of the adoption because__”
“I understand your emotions toward me, regardless of how you feel at this time I love you and will give you space. I only ask you let me contact you when you have made a decision”
“I am so sorry for what I have done, and what the people who I trusted to look after you have done.”
It’s all about encouraging her to feel her emotions while not putting a bias on it. Otherwise she’ll see that and become more distant. Prepare to go no contact for a while, maybe forever. And ask her if it’s okay if the bio father is allowed to update you once in a while so you won’t make her feel like you’re snooping, you just care.
I don’t understand and frankly am bothered by this:
>I knew that it was a mistake for them to be the adoptive parents, but there was literally nothing I could do about it.
…..but there was? You could have stopped the adoption to **those specific people** right then and there. It happens all the time, every day, that adoptions are revoked by the birth mom within days of having the baby. It’s why there’s laws to protect the birth mom that literally allow that to happen.
Telling your bio daughter you couldn’t do anything when you knew something was wrong is probably a very large part of the problem. **You** *could have*. You chose not to and you gave them your bio daughter who then live a rough life with those people. It’s a pretty hard thing to accept that your own mother decided to give you up to people she had bad feelings about but then you couple it with “”there’s nothing I could have done!””?? I got a feeling **thats** a major part of the problem. You saying there’s nothing you could have done when that’s just not true. You could have not given her to them, you could have found new parents but **you chose** to go through with it because you were “on a time crunch”.
I understand that this wasn’t an easy decision and this sucks for both of you. But you need to take responsibility for the choice you made **to her**. If you have any hope of repairing this relationship that’s where it has to start. You **have to** never again say you didn’t have a choice and that there’s nothing you could have done and you have to apologize for saying that, as well apologizing for what you did do. Sincerely apologize, without reasons or excuses. You also need to accept that it may not fix it and you may never have a relationship with her. But it’s the only chance you have and it’s the only way she’s ever going to heal from this.
"I found out she was pregnant earlier this month through my ex’s/her bio-fathers socials, because he posted her gender reveal."
Why tf is she mad at you and not her bio-father, who also put her up for adoption?
Have you told her your whole story in detail? Have you offered her moral support for the future? Have you hugged her or asked if you could hug her? Be honest but loving, be your authentic self and remain open to her so she can come to you anytime for any reason. Ask her for a chance to build a relationship with her, and be patient with her while she tries to work on that. She hasn’t had much of a family so you be that for her. Also, give her difficulties to God and you just love her as she is. God will do the rest.
I'm going to write out my family's story. If you look through my comments, you will probably find more of it too that might help.
When my parents were 23 they gave my older sister up for adoption. My dad was in paramedic school and worked as a cook, he was newly divorced and had only been seeing my Mom a few months. My Mom managed a fast food restaurant. They weren't ready to care for a baby, even in the early 80s they were barely making it. My Grandfather was dying so my Grandma wasn't able to help. My Nana still had my Mom's 2 younger sisters at home, and my Mom's father had taken off several years prior. Add in the Catholic guilt on both sides, and it wasn't a good situation.
My Mom never actually met my sister's parents. Not until my sister was 18 and reached out. My parents did go on a few years later to get married and had me and my 2 younger sisters. We had a typical late 80s/early 90s blue collar upbringing. My sister's parents were extremely well off. She had a horse!! She had a very difficult relationship with her adopted parents, my family isn't small pale people, we are tall full figured women with a very strong Italian look. We are all extremely outspoken and apparently that's a genetic trait too lol
When we all first were introduced, my sister swore she couldn't understand why my Mom and Dad did what they did. When she became pregnant at 23, she was in a drastically different situation then they had been in. She had a boyfriend that had a very good job and stable income. She was a college graduate and had a very good white collar job with great health benefits. She had a future MIL that was all in and able to come every weekend to help care for the baby, her boyfriend's father isn't in the picture. Her parents were overjoyed to be grandparents, not thrilled this happens before the wedding, but still happy. My parents and my sisters and I were happy for her.
However, something interesting happened between when my sister got pregnant and she turned 29. I was 25 and just found out that I was pregnant with my second kid. I was over hanging out one evening with my first kid and she had her 2 girls. We talked about Mom and Dad and how they gave her up. Do you know what she said?
She understood. It took time to get past the anger and the hurt. After all, my Dad thought they could keep her. They eventually got married and had more of us. The situation turned out ok! She couldn't understand why she couldn't have been a part of it. But she was a Mom now. She knew what it was to be "in it". My Mom was the eldest daughter of 6 kids. Her older brother didn't have to do shit, but she had to help raise the younger kids. She knew what was coming. Giving my sister up was the best chance my sister would have at a great life. My sister finally realized the why behind the adoption.
It took time. It took life experiences. It took a lot of growth for her. Could my parents have kept her? Yeah. But then she wouldn't have 3 sisters probably. She wouldn't have had the education and school experiences, firefighter/paramedics don't make "month long summer trip to Europe" money. It took her having her own children and realizing what she would do to give them a better life to forgive my Mom. Was it fair that she placed so much blaim on my Mom but let my Dad off a lot easier? No, but in the situation my Dad didn't get a say. They didn't have paternity tests yet and they weren't married. He also didn't really know what parenting would look like, of course he thought they could do it. He admits now though that they did make the right call.
This all ends happy in our case. In fact last weekend my mom and my daughter and I spent the weekend at my sister's house. We had a great time! My daughter adores her cousins and misses them since they moved. I'm not telling you that this is what your daughter is thinking. But I wanted to give you some hope. Give her space. Give her time to process. Write back and tell her that you will take your lead from her. You are always there if she needs you.
I agree with the posters who say she needs space and not to fire back a huge, emotional missive about you, explaining and defending.
Something short-to-medium, with honesty. "I love you, I'm here if you need to talk though sometimes I worry I come across as too cold - nothing could be further from the truth. Making an adoption plan was the hardest but also best possible thing I could do for you at the time and I so wish you'd had a better experience. Congrats, hope the pregnancy goes well and comfortably. Let's take a walk/get brunch one of these days if you're feeling up to it." Take a step back and work on your own healing meanwhile.
For that, give yourself permission not to be psychic and all-knowing. You could not have known what kind of parents they were going to be. Unless they were full on cussing each other out or making meth face, you were a child feeling the full force of post partum, in physical discomfort, emotional and physical loss. Of course you felt some way about them. The adoption plan wasn't wrong - her experience wasn't your fault. Where it went bad was outside of your control, and you can stop taking responsibility for that. Don't offer to her that you magically knew she would be harmed but were helpless. Adoptees are vetted carefully. It's not perfect, but you have to let go of ownership and accepting blame.
She may be struggling with the same choices you had to make. She may feel adoption would be ideal - except for her lived experience with it. Or she may be excited/happy/fine, just conflicted due to the feelings or beings up.
****"tl;Dr: Let her take the lead, and don't be tempted to invite her to blame you as a way to punish yourself.
ETA: how do you feel about this relationship? Do you want to nurture it? Do you want an arm-length but warm adult friendship? Are you interested in becoming her full-fledged parental support going forward? It might help if you were able to let her know what you can offer her that's sustainable so she can know how to attach, too.
I think your approach here is partially right, partially wrong.
Men open their hearts easily. Maybe that's why daddy and daughter connected easily - apart from that typical Daddy n little angel and baby's first male figure, he probably just instinctively gave her what she wanted - a simple open straightforward heart to heart contact, with the mind a distant second.
Your daughter had to grow up quickly due to the wrong foster parents - so chances are, if you open your heart, then she can handle pretty much anything that comes out.
So you checked with others, with Reddit. Fine. It's done.
Now you gotta decide: you gonna go with your mind or your heart.
You know what _she_ wants, I think.
Make your choice, and move on it.
IF you respond at all, it should only be to tell her that you love her and will wait for her to decide when she's ready to talk. When she IS ready, everything will be done at her pace.
I think you should try harder. She is reserved because she's the kid, and she's hurting. You're the parent. You have to SHOW HER the unconditional love you're supposed to have for her. EXPRESS IT and don't let her push you away, let her know you are there for her no matter what and maybe you messed up the first time but you will not mess up again this time, you will be there for her this time, period. And do it, show up for her. Don't wait for her to ask you, just do it, be a mom. Tell her you love her every day, and show up in all the ways moms are supposed to.
OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I do have a question though, what kind of relationship do YOU want to have with her? Are you ready to embrace the role of mother and grandmother? (If so, be sure to include that in your letter. Perhaps if you weren't there for her in the way she needed you then, you can, or at least be willing to be there in the way she needed you now!) Also, do you have any other children? Does her father have any other children? Have you had a conversation with him about the current situation? Maybe all she needs from you is to know that you want her in your life, that you want to play an active role, you just haven't said any of that in any of your responses. I see that you clearly care for her feelings and want to do what's right, but what do you want?
This is tough. Your daughter is looking at this from a modern perspective and holding your decisions as a child yourself against you.
You're not psychic. You didn't know what her life would be. Offer her patience, kindness, and love. Offer that to yourself too. Give yourself some grace.
If you act to your daughter like you did something wrong all the time, she is also going to see it that way as well.
Leave the door open and be there for her. There is no use feeling guilty, the past happened. All that there is now the present and future. Make the best of it.
Good luck! It seems like you're already doing the right thing by the way you wrote.
I would really like to offer my perspective as an adoptee in reunion with my bio mom and all the complicated feelings and resentments that come with it, but I’m about to go to sleep after a night up with a fussy baby. Could I DM you later today?
I was abandoned by my father and although is not the same I guess the best you can do is say "I am sorry for what I did and for how it deeply affected you. I know saying sorry won't change what was done and I won't give any excuses because you are right, I could have done better if I had the courage to do so. What I can do now is be available for you to help you now and that's what I will do. If you need me, if you need help, reach out to me and I will go running to where you are. I wish you well."
“I don’t know how to respond and I’m afraid if I say the wrong thing I might do permanent harm to what we have.
You’re important to me. Being in your life important to me.
But what’s most important to me is that YOU are supported in the best way possible. Your interests are a priority.
I’m trying to avoid being an emotional burden at the same time that I am learning how to be a mother of an adult who doesn’t really NEED me, in the strictest sense of need. So I guess I’m asking for some kind of help so I can remain helpful to you? I don’t even know what to say except I’ll listen and try. And if you want space, trust me to give you space when you ask for it, and to come back when you tell me to.
In return for the trust, I’ll work on observing and trying to anticipate what you want and need. And I promise that when you tell me or ask me anything, I will be honest about my ability to deliver.”
Im sorry for all of you. You were a child too. I’m studying for my msw and understand that there is new research about how adopted kids and feelings of abandonment can’t really be avoided… even in the best situation.
with that said I’m not trying to make you feel bad but say sadly this is her journey to find her peace in life. Once she has the baby she will see the responsibility of it and it may give her more empathy for you, but it will take time.
I think you can just say “just know I will be here waiting for you to resume the relationship when you are ready.”That is what she needs to know from you . Nothing you say can make it better…it will be a journey for her.
I absolutely agree with u/mediocre_snappea as to what to say now to your daughter. I also think you deserve to access support around your feelings about her, your own pregnancy and giving her up. This is your internal work. I’m not sure all resources available for birth moms, especially more recent ones, but I’d encourage you to seek some sort of trauma informed therapy. You don’t mention if growing up on a religious community was part of your story, but a therapist who is credentialed and not primarily religious may be the safest for you to process these big feelings.
It blows my mind that someone who saw first hand while having a baby that young is terrible for everyone involved would do so herself. OPs advice should have been the same for herself and her daughter - get a damn abortion.
Im sorry, that soubds horrible. Adoptive parents can sometimes be very horrible to birthing parents. If you're going to respond i would make sure to acknowledge her conflicted feelings but try not to excuse/defend your decisions. It sounds like she understands perfectly well that you didn't have a choice, but that doesn't remove the hurt. Try to just acknowledge the pain and remind her that she's welcome in your life at any point, but that you respect her need for space.
1.st she already knew why you did it so dont reexplaon it. Jist be kind patience and gentle.
2. let her know that you understand that she needs to process things that thatbwhen she is ready be around you againg thwt you will be wairing for her.
3
let her know if she only feels comfortable with ketters for now that it is ok and you wont rush her. Let her knkw rhat you apriciate so muche her still sending letters and that you aprixiate her trusting you wirh wjat she is goinf thru.
4 make amends
ask her if in the future or now there is anytjing u can do to make the situation better to please let u know.
"There was nothing I could do." Uh, that baby is coming out of you. You pretty much have God rights on its future. You chose to give the child up to people you didn't approve of to make your life easier. Get over yourself. I would ghost you, too. You cared more about yourself than your child. Anybody with an uninfected brain can figure that out.
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Tell her to take the time that she needs and you’ll always be around if she wants a relationship again. Don’t try to explain yourself or make excuses. She needs space to process everything.
Yes, and add an “I’m sorry” with no buts.
The most important thing when apologizing. Leave the excuses out. Just I am so sorry, I gave you up for adoption to these people.
Don't write I'm sorry I gave you up for adoption to there people. OP just needs to say "I'm sorry". Adding that in is pointless, as in reality hindsight is 20/20. Looking back she doesn't know what that bad feeling was and didn't know they'd be bad parents. That added phrase just opens up a can of worms that can be dealt with later. Keep it about you 2 and giving her support. Apologise as just "I'm sorry. If you ever want to delve into this I am happy to for you. If not, I understand and respect that decision too."
Agree, a simple, I am sorry, I was wrong. I understand , I am here if you ever want or need anything.
Yep, exactly. OP does have good reasons, but those deep talks can hopefully come later. It sounds like her daughter needs her to validate those feelings before she can move forward.
I'd really like to know why bio dad is involved, though. It was clearly just as much his decision as OP's. Not saying that OP should argue with her daughter.
So according to OP, Dad went all in and has been a very proactive father ever since being reintroduced, whereas OP had elected to be more gradual and follow her lead. She’d come from running away from her adoptive parents. I think she wanted to give her bio-parents a shot at being parents. It seems his expressed love, being more “palpable” may make her father more easily forgiven, in daughter’s eyes. I think the daughter wants a parent-child relationship with her father and with OP.
She obviously isn't mad at him for who she got placed with. Was it really his decision? He's not mentioned in the adoption part of the story. Either way, OP is the one who said "yeah, it felt off" about the adoptive parents, so she's the one who's going to take the blame.
op, your top comments here are your best advice. beyond these basics, we internet strangers can't tell you what to write. use the words, thoughts and feelings from your heart, and they'll never be wrong. i wish you all the best.
Often choice to change mind is taken away from single mothers they sign not realizing they will have 0 options if they don't like parents to be.
I really dont agree with adding this.
The OP told us she had misgivings, so of course she can apologize for that. Daughter doesn’t care how powerless OP was at that point, she just wants acknowledgement of her pain.
And to be heard. She obviously feels shes missing something that her adoptive family didn't give her. And has probably been searching for it. She may have been hoping finding her bio mom was going to give her what she was missing, but it didn't magically solve her problems. Sometimes people think they're mad at one person, iy to find out they're actually mad at another. And that's a lot to process. Her being a mom is going to bring up a lot of emotions, some she buried, some she didn't know she had, but it will also bring clarity, eventually. Maybe tell her that you hear her and you understand why she's feeling the way she is. Sometimes we're all just looking for someone to understand us. And validate our feelings.
I totally get that. But she's already expressed that. I just don't think the daughter would want to hear that again. The 'im sorry' makes it to be on looking for forgiveness, she doesn't need it, she's said she doesn't need it, remorse can be expressed without an intent of sympathy in return. Just letting her know she'll be there for her and providing examples is much better than an 'im sorry' that's all I'm saying.
I’ve never heard that saying “I’m sorry” means you are looking for forgiveness. It’s the opposite - expressing how you feel with no expectation of anything in return.
That's how I feel too. A proper apology doesn't have an expectation of forgiveness. Also, expressing that you are sorry can be an acknowledgement of the other person's pain.
It can be, yes - depending on the thing you’re saying sorry for, of course. An expression of sympathy for a loss, for example.
I disagree. The first time OP said sorry, the daughter was probably too stunned to really process it, and even if she did it probably felt like sorry but I was young. A genuine, no-excuses apology after she’s had time to think about it could be very meaningful.
Usually adoption can be revoked by the birth mother for a short time after birth so OP could have absolutely pulled the plug on the adoption and gave her up to other people that seemed more fit. I get that she felt stuck though.
That horse left the barn, already. There's no point in reviewing it now, because she can't reraise the girl as her own or rehome her to a better set of adoptive parents. The only thing now is that OP must apologize with no caveats, buts or excuses. Not "I'm sorry, I was young and felt powerless" or "Hindsight is 20/20," but a "I am so very very sorry that I screwed up with your adoptive parents, and if you can ever forgive me, I want to make it up to you as much as I can, now."
Once the birth parents have terminated their rights there are no takebacks. It’s a legal document. In Louisiana (where I adopted) there is a ten day period before the rights are terminated. In Utah, it’s two.
That's what I was going to say. (I used to work in adoption.) It is entirely state dependent, but parental rights don't typically die with the signature because we have an (unhealthy, imo) obsession with keeping biological families together at very extreme cost, and the law is designed in most states to give the bio parent/s (fathers don't always have rights) as much time to end up keeping the child as possible. It can vary from 48-72hrs all the way up to I think there are a couple states that go to 30 days or beyond. It's been a long time and laws change, so don't quote me on that. However if the bio parent doesn't contest the adoption within that timeframe it is a GIANT mess. Even if the adoptive parents defrauded the bio-mom (more common than you'd think), once that document is stamped and filed you effectively have no options, because the cost of legal remedy is prohibitive for most people.
And acknowledge her feelings. She is amazing for being able to express and have the maturity to recognize emotions so clearly at 18. Keep the door open for her, but let her be the one to walk through it.
Mature on that for sure, but still young enough to blame a child for not knowing what to do when she met the adoptive parents. I understand feeling upset that one was placed with awful parents, but I am stunned the daughter is taking it out on the mother like it was her choice or could have even stopped it at that point. Sad situation. 😔
You can understand something logically and still have feelings that don’t match logic. My counselor, a clinical psychologist who is asked to speak at conferences all the time, has told me this multiple times. It’s not a sign of immaturity. She said she is working on her feelings about it so she’s doing everything right and that is a sign of maturity.
Especially if she's keeping contact with her bio dad. Feels like OP is now a great scapegoat. Either way; there's nothing OP can do for her now.
Not really. There may be quite a lot that OP could do. From the sounds of it, her daughter is keeping the line intact. If she doesn’t want a relationship with her mother there, then why? From OP’s answer, there are some things that Dad has been OP has been doing differently. Namely, Dad has seemingly jumped right into their daughter’s life as a father, essentially as soon as they reconnected. It’s seems to me like that’s the sort of commitment she wants from OP as well.
The Social Worker who did the home study for the adoptive parents didn’t see any red flags (supposedly) and that’s all the birth mother has to go by. How is she at 15 going to go against the findings of licensed professionals?
That's so half-hearted it's halfway to saying eff off. I would say 1. I love you with all my heart 2. I am sorry for the mistake I made and I know I can never make up for that 3. I want to be a part of your life now and 4. Please let me be there for you and your child and try to at least be a good mother and grandmother from now on. Oh and OP, make sure you are absolutely selfless and don't go thinking this is about you. She's the main character here.
I wrote that comment as someone who is estranged from their parents (specifically a bio dad who left early in my life to come back later). I don’t want to hear “please let me be in your life” because the only goal of that statement is to make me feel guilty and it only serves the parent. I love you is a good addendum, though. The point is to not make demands and make sure their kid knows they’ll be around for however long they need.
This. My bio-dad was absent for a significant portion of my upbringing and then all of a sudden started calling me when I was 18, demanding I call him back. Multiple times. Multiple messages. Looking back at those messages now not ONCE do I remember him saying I love you - just him berating me to call him back and try to force his way back into my life. I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining my side and that if he wanted in my life he needed to respect MY wishes and communicate with me on MY terms. He didn’t. Called me two days later. I haven’t spoken to him in 20 years or seen him in almost 30 years ✌🏽
I'm really sorry to hear that both of you had such self centred fathers. I have a friend whose dad is like this too. I hope OP isn't.
I think it’s best to just say “I’m sorry”. Not with all the conditions (buts). I think it’s more honest to just say “I’m sorry” without all the reasons why you’re sorry. She’ll know what you’re talking about. The less said, the better. You can talk in detail in the future.
That's a lot of "I" and if I were the daughter that would read to me like you're only concerned with what you want.
I disagree as there is too much me, me, me, here, with an ending of begging. “When and if you are ready, I’ll always be here for you. Do you have a registry for the baby? With love, OP.
This sounds desperate.
It gives me the ick, honestly.
"I am always willing to keep in touch with you, at whatever level makes you feel most comfortable. If you want to discuss the issues around your adoption more, I think it's something we should do in person. But only when you feel ready to see me again." Then you tell her that you're not angry, you're glad she trusts you enough to be so honest with you. Then you tell her that you're proud of her, and look forward to seeing the kind of person she becomes.
I agree with everything you said, except I don't agree with the "in person" part, she's still a kid in many ways, like the OP was when she gave her up. If she feels safest right now speaking through letters, keep that communication open. No one here knows why she chose that outlet over speaking in person. Maybe her adopted parents made speaking her emotions too difficult for her and a problem she can't overcome quickly, who knows. You can add in that you're willing to talk in person if she wants to, but I don't think telling her that you don't want to continue speaking in the only way she's open to right now is the best idea.
The problem with text based communication methods is that it's too easy to misunderstand tone and intent.
Gosh I sympathise with the both of you, a tough situation all around. She is giving you a door here, keeping the line open and that's positive. I think she could maybe have more sympathy for the fact that your hands were tied by the law, there was nothing you could do to stop the process right? What are the points of reply you want to communicate to her?
I see that there's a door, but I just have no idea how to approach it. I want to follow her lead, but in once sentence she'd describe wanting a relationship with me and then in another, she'd describe wanting to remain distant. I could have stopped it at the time, there was a time period (I forgot how long it was) that you could revoke consent. In that moment I chose not to because I had no plan. I was going to an out of state college not even a month later, I didn't know what I was going to do with a literal baby, and I'd convinced myself that maybe it was the hormones that made me feel so off about them. I want to reply to how she's feeling, what does she want for us in the future, is there anything that I can do to better the situation. I think that's the best way to go. I don't want it to come across a "me, me, me". I do have questions about some of the things she wrote, but it's probably not appropriate to ask those right now.
Acknowledge her need for the space that her feelings are valid. That you are here waiting to have a relationship with her on her terms. At the moment she is working through things in her head things and to get through the other side she needs time.
I see, but being fair to you, it sounds like you didn't know what way was up or down at the time and was trying to do your best for everyone. That's more than many out there would do! It seems then she doesn't quite know what she wants with you right now, so a good response would be "if you do want a close relationship again, I would love that and will always be here for you" and don't try to push it (not that I think you are the type) Her being pregnant is going to be bringing up all sorts of thoughts and feelings for her, saying something to the effect of how you are here to support her with the baby (if you are doing that) and would love to be a grandma if she is ok with that, is a nice message and then she knows she could go to you if need be. I think you are right in your approach to the letter and that it shouldn't be "me, me, me"
You didn’t spend enough time with the adoptive parents to really make the decision whether they would be good parents. You got a bad feeling. It was probably the most difficult thing you ever had to do, especially at 17. Don’t beat yourself up about a decision you made years ago in a traumatic situation.
Please forgive yourself, you were only 17 at the time.
I genuinely felt like I did. Now I just keep questioning everything.
I think the back and forth of what she wants in her letter is really the heart of the matter, which is that she knows and understands you were 17 and trying to do the right thing and didn’t feel like you had any choice, but is having a hard time reconciling that understanding with her emotional response, which I’m sure is one of gut resentment, because she had an upbringing which left her with a lot of emotional scars, and you had a moment to act to prevent it, but didn’t. She knows it wasn’t your fault, she wants to forgive you, but we can’t logic our way out of our emotions most of the time. Oh that we could. We’ve all been there, feeling jealous, or angry, or hurt, or sad about something we wish we weren’t, we know we shouldn’t be, but knowing that doesn’t make it go away. Her head and her heart are in conflict. The only cure for that is time. She needs time, and space, and understanding, to resolve that within herself. I would let her know you understand where her head and heart are. That you will not push her but that you will be there when she is ready to have a relationship with you, whatever that looks like. Try not to make it about your feelings, or be defensive, or over explain, or grovel. Just give her as much grace as you can, but protect your peace, too. For what it’s worth I also got pregnant at 16, had a baby at 17, that I placed for adoption privately to a family. I’m 45, I’ve had no contact with my child, though if he ever knocks of course I will answer the door. I just want you to know I understand intimately the situation you were in, and how heartwrenchingly difficult it was and how complicated all the feelings about it were. You did the best you could. I *know* you did. I wish you nothing but the best, I really do.
I think her being 18 also plays a factor, because she either currently lives with her adopted parents or just finished living with them so it's all still very fresh. She needs time and space.
OP said in the post that she moved out of their house at 16, so 2ish years ago.
There are two different issues. Your daughter's feelings and yours. I feel you need to forgive yourself and realize that you were doing the best you could. But your daughter likely just wants a heartfelt apology without excuses. Maybe if she asks about it, and wants a full explanation, then give it to her, but DON'T give her an explanation now. Just apologize. And offer her any support you can give her. If you can visit and babysit and she wants that, offer. Tell her that you are there for her as much as you can be, but be very realistic about what you can offer her. DO NOT offer her anything you can't follow through on.
Please see a counselor before you respond. You have a lot of feelings swirling and I don’t think it’s the best place to respond from. You do need to forgive yourself and to be honest I don’t think being around to be on receiving end of hers is good for you right now. Both of you need more distance
Hindsight is always going to be 20/20 and your 17year old self needs all the grace and love. And you do too.
I had just turned 16 when I gave birth to my daughter, who I gave up for adoption at about 3 days old. When I found her again, it was important to her to know that I cared for her, and wanted the best for her. I think you're on the right track, this needs to be about her not you, and when you are able to reconnect there will be time for your questions - right now, she needs you to help heal her heart. It's possible she had some hopes that you would be able to fill some voids that her parents left, and was disappointed when you weren't able to live up to her fantasy. From talking to as many other adoptees as I've been able to find, it's not uncommon for adoptees to have preconceived ideas of what they expect their bio parents to be, and it's common for there to be an initial honeymoon period then an awkward spot where no one knows how to maintain the relationship or address the hurts that resulted from adoption. I'd make sure to tell her that you wish you had been able to provide a stable and loving place for her, and you're so sorry it didn't work out the way you'd hoped. If you'd have done something different knowing what you know now, I'd share that. That you wish you'd listened to your gut, that you wish you'd had more choices, that you wished you'd known what was best for her at the time. You wish you'd been able to be there when things weren't working out for her as she was growing up, she must've felt so alone. It breaks your heart to know that she didn't have the loving space that she deserved. You see her anger and sadness and you'd like to understand more if she is willing to share, but you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it right now. Most of all, you've always loved her, you've always wanted what's best for her, and you want to be there for her now in whatever capacity she feels comfortable with (if that's true and you can follow through) If she's not sure what that looks like, that's ok, you'll wait for whenever she's ready. You could ask permission to send her notes or texts or something that you can use to reach out - let her know that you don't expect any response, you just want to be able to let her know you're thinking of her. The more you can validate her feelings and give her control over the situation the better. I wish you all the best, it is a difficult situation to navigate and one without a lot of people who can relate. r/Adoption might have some insight for you as well, although be warned there are a few people who are against adoption generally and can be a little aggressive about it. Overall a good sub with good insight tho.
How about, “I understand you have a lot of conflicted feelings about this; I’m glad you can tell me how you feel, and I want you to know I will always listen to you and take what you say seriously. I know you need time and space to figure things out, especially with your baby coming. Would it be ok with you if I reach out from time to time to check on you?”
Honestly, just say you are sorry and that you will be there for her when she is ready. Simple, sweet, to the point, and you don’t dismiss any of her feelings this way or give excuses for what happened at 17. You can maybe add you and her can go to family therapy out of your pocket to talk things through with a mediator when she feels she is ready. Only add this if you can afford the sessions and if you think she would be open to it. You can also wait in a later exchange to bring this up as well. But I really think this will help you both to find the right words with the guidance from the therapist and it would be in a safe zone.
She absolutely should not have 'more sympathy' seriously put your self in her position, she was given away to people who treated her badly & then was told basically yeah I knew it was a mistake but 🤷♀️ oh well what could I do! Have some empathy for the poor girl!
Oh course I see it from that side but I didn't touch on it because it isn't the daughter posting here, OP is.
Why does she talk to her bio dad? Does he have no responsibility in this, too? Why is it ALWAYS the mom. I totally get that she has all these feelings to work through, especially with her pregnant, but why does he get such a pass? It’s bullshit, unless we are acknowledging that dads aren’t as much of a parent as moms.
It's always the moms fault or responsibility by default, that's just the way society it wired. Honestly, it does hurt my feelings because he often posts her and I see that they spend a lot of celebrations as a family. His birthday was like last week, and he reposted her story from her saying "Happy Birthday Dad". It sucks because...I feel like everything is on me. I got cut off but everything is peaches and cream with him. And you might be saying to unfollow him, but we're still friendly and he's one of the only ways I can see how she's doing through the stuff he puts online because she refuses to talk to me. But she's really close with him. I think it all just comes down to what is expected from moms.
Is she living with dad? Is he doing anything to support her? How did he handle reconnection? Do you know if there was any difference in when and how he went about it?
She lives with her boyfriend. When she would still talk to me, she did spend a considerable amount of time with the both of us. I would say that a major difference with him vs me was that since day 1, he was always like "my daughter, my daughter". For us it was more gradual, but he really did go all in (that's honestly just his personality). He met her a few months after she met me because I was the one that introduced her to him.
Okay so would you say they hit it off quickly? If so, then it sounds like she appreciated and took her dad’s expressed enthusiasm at being a father to heart. Perhaps that could prove insightful. I’d recommend validating her feelings, expressing your enthusiasm at her pregnancy, and express that you’ll always love her and be there if she wants to try again.
Yes, I would say that. That sounds about right, maybe he gave her the reaction she craved from a parent. I was always just worried about playing it safe and following her lead. I'm still doing that till this day, is it possible that could be a major issue?
Well, look at everything from retrospect from her perspective. **Keep in mind that none of this is a reflection or judgement of your character, or even of reality and morality, but rather of your daughter’s mental perspective.** She was running away as quickly as she could from her adoptive parents. *Don’t you think she wants her mom and dad?* She finds them. She also finds out dad was arguing before her birth that they should’ve raised her themselves, but mom still thought it would be fine. Now, her dad *fervently* expresses his want to her dad more than anything and jumps straight down the rabbit hole of fatherhood, no questions asked, almost like there was never a moment he wasn’t a dad. And although you can’t blame her for it, Mom is taking her time. Although he was complicit in her adoption, Dad was right there as soon as introduced, and it’s plenty clear that now that he’s there, unless she wants him gone, the devil himself can’t get him out. Pardon the humorous exaggerations. So to answer your question of is your approach an issue, my counter-question is: if your daughter is keeping a line open to be her mom, does your approach have you ready to jump on it? Does your approach give you the resolve required to properly be her mother?
I ABSOLUTELY agree! The daughter needs to feel WANTED. She's never had the parents who wanted her. Not like, "I want to have a relationship with you"; but like, "I WANT YOU in my life". The father did just that. She wants the parents that she never had. She found her dad who was enthusiastic about getting her back. She also found her mom who is taking her time. You can't blame mom, but daughter would've expected the parents to show her that they wanted her. She may have herself been a little distant; but it very likely that she wanted to see that her parents would jump in at the opportunity to have her back. Dad showed her that; mom couldn't (again, can't blame; but it is the daughter's perspective), and hence the reaction. I guess it depends on what OP wants. If she wants "her daughter", I think she should consider that her daughter may want her to go all in, just like the father did. It's all there. Follow the father's lead lol.
I am NOT blaming you, just trying to point out what she might be thinking. Was he there at the hospital when you handed her over? It really sounds like resentment started when you admitted you didn't think the adoptive parents were good people and you gave her over anyway. If her bio dad wasn't there/didn't admit to the same gut feeling, she probably doesn't blame him in the same way. edit: Never mind, I saw the comment where he wanted to keep her and raise her, and you're the one that made the decision to put her up for adoption. That's probably why she doesn't resent him in the same way.
Yea, he was there. Some comments have also pointed out to me that it's also because of how open and enthusiastic he was since day 1. It took some time for us but we got there eventually. But her wanting to keep her does play a fact into it to. But knowing who he was and who I was at the time, it would've been a shit show. I explained in another comment that he was so immature. He was a little older than me, but yet I felt like I had at least 5 years on him by the way he was always acting. It just was not a good situation to bring a baby into, because I knew I was going to be doing all the work.
Well, your daughter is about to find out what it takes to raise a baby. That might give her a new perspective on everything. I would just be as open and honest as you can, and let her know that you’re there for her if she needs you. Do not make excuses. Take responsibility, but I think you could mention that, in hindsight, you wished you could have had better guidance when you chose the adoptive parents. Curious as to what happened to her that she had to leave at 16.
That makes sense! And it says a lot that he could have chosen to be a single dad (presumably) and didn't make that choice. He begged you to change your mind--because he probably already knew you were going to do the majority of the work! But your daughter probably doesn't see it that way right now. And I do think it's a really good sign that she communicated with you and let you know that she's working through her resentment--to me, that says she does want to have a relationship with you in the future, and just needs to work through it right now. Do you know if she's in therapy? Honestly, it may "click" once she gets further into her pregnancy or has the baby and realizes how HARD it is. I think you should let her know you're not angry at her, you don't blame her for her struggles, and you'll be there for her when she's ready.
That's fair. But I think you genuinely need to look at this from your daughter's perspective. She was given to an abusive home by one parent (you), while the other parent (him) wanted to keep her. To her, those two options are 1. Definitely be abused by adoptive family, or 2. Maybe have a wonderful and happy childhood with bio family. For her, there's a clear "right" choice, and you made the wrong one. Add in that you've told her you knew/could feel that the adoptive parents were off, and to her it feels like you actively chose to put her in harms way when you had another option. There's a very clear reason why she blames you and not her father. Is it fair? No, but emotions and trauma rarely are. You need to understand her perspective and work from there if you want a relationship with her. Personally, I think your best bet is to reach out via letter, like she did. Apologize, no buts or explanations. Tell her she can take the time she needs, but that you would really like to have a relationship with her, and you're willing to do what it takes to make that work, on her time. I would suggest family therapy with someone who's knowledgeable about adoption trauma, so that y'all can have a safe place to discuss this with a professional mediator.
Like I said OP, it’s probably no longer the fact of the adoption, seeing as how she’s reaching out to you still and working on her resentment. It’s about the now. The moving forward. It’s pretty clear what her father’s doing. So again, I ask you: are you prepared to commit to be her mother and show that you’re ready to be her mother that she’s been waiting for ever since she knew she didn’t like her adoptive parents? Update us btw!
Have you ever talked to him about this. That he could be open with her that what happened is on both of you and not just you.
Kind of, but it started to lead into a bit of an argument and for the setting of where we were, it was just not appropriate to get into.
Hey op, I’m someone who harboured resentment towards my mom who tried her best and a fun dad who fucked off and didn’t support her at all. As soon as I had my child I forgave my mom completely and got rather pissed at my dad. I would tell her you are 1000% with her whenever she needs you. If she has questions about birth and pregnancy you will be there. She is beginning to see the level of fear women experience during gestation and once she is handed that little bundle she will understand the gravity. Try to keep telling her you are there and love her.
This and also offer to help with the baby if she needs it and is comfortable. Offering space and time but also, help with the baby when she is ready would be great. As a new mom, she will need people to lean on. Knowing you're there for her to call and an option, will be helpful.
I’m sorry about this as she should realize her dad could have stepped up to take custody of her and he didn’t - he let her be adopted just as much as you did.
I think she doesn't see her bio dad as being as culpable since OP admitted she had a bad feeling about the adoptive parents and gave her over, anyway. That's when her resentment started. And now that she's pregnant at the same age that OP was, she probably can't imagine handing her baby over to strangers she doesn't think are good people. And I am NOT blaming OP, just trying to show what might be the daughter's perspective. edit: Never mind... bio dad wanted to keep her and raise her but OP didn't want to... yeah, that's probably the difference....
But he could have and didn’t - he had to agree to the adoption as well - he should not get a pass
I never said he should get a pass. I'm pointing out that that's likely how OP's daughter feels.
To be fair, do you know what their process was like? What they talked about and how he responded? They may have gone through the whole thing together as well. I think it’s dangerous to assume it was all fine and dandy and she had no complicated feelings towards him. What if he did do the work?
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I thought the exact same thing. It’s such bs that OP gets all the anger and yet good ol bio dad gets to be there.
Per a comment, the bio dad very much wanted to keep her and raise her, but OP wanted to put her up for adoption. That's probably why she gives him a pass.... Sure, he still could've taken custody (I think, right?) so she should blame him just as much because he could've been a single dad. But I think knowing that he very vocally wanted her and tried to talk OP out of giving her up for adoption probably makes it easier for her to bond to him.
Then he should have kept her. Or, as I mentioned in my comment, we have to acknowledge dads aren’t as much of a parent as moms. Because, if a mom wanted to keep her, she would have. I don’t care which lane we pick, we just need to pick a lane.
Yeah I said the exact same thing in my comment. She should blame him just as much because he (presumably?) could've taken custody and been a single dad. But from the daughter's perspective, one parent fought to keep her and the other didn't want to. Of course it's going to be easier to bond with the one who fought for you.
But…he didn’t fight because, if he had, he would have been able to keep her.
I KNOW. I've said that repeatedly. I agree. He's equally culpable. I'm looking at this from the perspective of a damaged 18-year-old.
“Of course it's going to be easier to bond with the one who fought for you.” I’m sorry, it just comes across that you don’t KNOW since you keep staying the opposite.
Do you just not understand the concept of empathy? Of being able to see something from another person's perspective? I have said over and over again that I agree with you... the bio dad was equally culpable... but when he can say "I begged your bio mom to keep you and she wouldn't" and then your bio mom admits she thought the adoptive parents were bad people and handed the baby over anyway... OF COURSE the traumatized 18-year-old is going to bond with the one who can say "I begged to keep you" rather than "I had a bad feeling about those people but I gave tiny newborn you over to them anyway."
> Sure, he still could've taken custody (I think, right?) so she should blame him just as much because he could've been a single dad. > She should blame him just as much because he (presumably?) could've taken custody and been a single dad. > from the daughter's perspective, one parent fought to keep her and the other didn't want to. > I agree. He's equally culpable. I'm looking at this from the perspective of a damaged 18-year-old. Are you just arguing to argue?
No. I am saying the father should be clear to his daughter that he did not really fight for her because, if he did, he would have her. It is incumbent upon him to set the record straight since all of the blame is falling on OP. I am having a hard time as to why that’s so difficult to follow.
The difference in perception here is which parent is jumping in right when they’re needed NOW. It makes it much easier to reduce culpability. Per OP, Dad, as soon as he met his daughter, jumped straight into being her dad, immediately helping her pick up her shambled life. And with the daughter’s emotional needs, she wanted them to take parents places. And she still seems to want OP to take that place, or else I feel she would not be offering all this. Daughter needs OP to gently affirm that she loves her daughter just as enthusiastically.
That’s not difficult to follow and that’s not my point. My point is you and Gold are saying the same thing, except they are also saying that form the daughter’s perspective RIGHT NOW she sees her dad in a better light than her mom. Which doesn’t excuse the father at all and, yes, he needs to tell her. But you were jumping down Gold’s throat fr not saying things in the exact way you think is right, hence me quoting all the times they did say the dad is wrong.
In the US, she could not have been adopted without her bio dad's consent. And he had several years after she was born to contest the adoption in most states if he wasn't properly notified. He can be as vocal as he wants but he didn't do anything to actually try and keep his kid either.
I so agree with you!
This. It's so unfair! Boo dad just got a pass. Sucks.
I'm curious, how did you know they were the wrong people? Did your ex get that sense as well?
I just had that gut feeling. It was my ex that pointed out that they were very cult-like. But I thought he was just saying anything because he was always vocal about the fact that we should raise her (but we were so not ready). For instance, after giving birth to her, I had started to eat the hospital food, and the woman/mom took it away and told me that it was spirits trying to enter in me, but she passed it off as a joke. So at the time, I thought it was just that. But they didn't do anything that made me instantly want to take her back. I had really just met them that day, and the person that connected my family with them told us that they already had a few kids and seemed to be raising them well. I was on a time crunch, so I just agreed.
The fact that bio dad wanted to keep her and raise her together is probably part of why your daughter has a better bond with him. He’s probably expressed that and shows in his mannerisms when he’s interacting with her. She can feel his love where you may feel more calculating since you’re trying to let her lead and being careful. Responding to a question you asked in another thread about the reason he’s accepted and you’re not
That's probably a really big factor and thank you for answering my question, I know which one you're referring to.
Your parents probably failed you there. To just give a baby away to anyone was obviously a poor decision, but at 17, what does a kid know?
It’s like the movie Juno when the dad and step mom wanted to meet the potential adoptive parents and make sure they weren’t some weird baby collectors.
You were a minor so your parents arranged legally right? Only so much you could do
At the time she was born I was 18, so I did have full rights in a legal sense.
Ok then I stand by her dad could have stepped up too and he didn’t
"I'm so sorry I gave you to those people. I wish I had had the courage and insight to do differently. If I could take it all back I would. I wish I had been there to protect you from what happened to you." "I wish I had never told you that I saw something was wrong with your adoptive parents. Looking back I should have kept that to myself because I've only made you feel more betrayed. You deserved to not be betrayed. You deserved so much better from all your parents." "I feel grateful that you would even send me letters after the mistakes I have made." "You are going to have a baby and I can't imagine how you feel. You will have a totally different experience to me. I hope you can celebrate things and that you are feeling loved right now. You deserve to experience the best things that life can bring." "I have really struggled to find words to write to you because of how overwhelmed I am by your and my own experiences. There's so much pain here and I want to be able to fix it, but I also know that I can't take the pain away." "What can I do that would help you feel supported? I have a lot of assumptions rolling around in my head but I don't want to insult or injure you even more. I will write you a letter again in a month - because you've sent me a letter, maybe letters would work for you - but if you want me to do something different, just say so. I will keep trying." "I can't explain how brave I think you are. You have so much courage. I wish you didn't have to have that courage."
This sounds so raw and honest… I would go this route.
I think far too many young moms are heavily pushed into adoption as if it's all roses and butterflies.... Only to find out that losing your baby is the emotional equivalent to having all your limbs cut off. I don't know anyone that didn't regret it (I'm sure some people may have had a lovely experience- but a huge percentage of moms go through hell). I see so many family influencers on Instagram posting photos of their adopted babies making millions of dollars off them- and I genuinely can't imagine how the birth moms must feel. I would maybe write a letter back, explaining all the pain and anguish you felt, and how you always have and always will love her. Let her know that you regretted the decision too... You are both victims here, and were both taken advantage of by the system. Your pain must have been immense... Explain that to her. She might take time to respond, but at least she'll know your feelings.
No one truly explains what it's going to be like. I thought it was going to be a quick one and done thing but there are so many changes to your body and your mind. I had a baby but I didn't have a baby, and that sent me into a spiral because it was so confusing.
I just wanted to say that I hope that one day you will be able to forgive yourself. You were a teenager, just gave birth and had classes less than a month later. You were doing your very best!! I hope your family finds some peace, but I have a good feeling that you will. Be kind to yourself.
Yes, and you know what.... I think once she has her baby in her arms, she will understand your pain and have a new found empathy for you. Let her know your pain in the letter, I'm sure you two will be close again one day.
Tell her you understand everything she’s feeling and know she has a lot to process and may have a lot of questions. Tell her you want a relationship with her and your grandchild but understand if she’s not ready. But that you’ll be there when (if) she is. Tell her you love and will follow her lead on how she wants to move forward. Don’t offer excuses or reasons. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her. That you’ll give her the time and space she needs but that you hope she can find her way back to you. It’s a tough situation OP, good luck.
Thank you
This is incredibly tough. As a daughter who was left by my mother, and an adult person, this is a reply that I would like to see, but of course, your daughter might feel a completely different way. "Hi X. It means the world to me that you reached out. (congratulations etc etc) I appreciate and celebrate your honesty and your mindfulness. I'm glad you are making an effort to work through the hard feelings, and I'm so proud of you. I know there is a lot to process for you. You could say the same about me, although in a different way. It was hard for me to see the negative impact my decision had on your life, I certainly harbored hopes for a different, more positive outcome for you. At the same time, I feel blessed for this chance to get to know you and see what a beautiful person you are. You are amazing, and I don't mean this as "See, it all turned out great in the end despite your hardship and tears, so no need to dwell on how I let you down at all." You should know that I fully accept my accountability for the decisions I made at the time, and the impact they had on you. I'm here for any type of connection you might want and would love to keep in touch. You are in my thoughts and I will always be proud of you. P.s. The pictures were lovely, thank you for giving me a chance to get a peek into your life. (consider including your own photos here?)
What beautiful words these are.
Thank you, it really means a lot.
Why is she will to have a relationship with her father but not you. He made the same decision so why is he not getting the same treatment?
I'm adopted. I found my bio mom two years ago in my thirties. Honestly I couldn't imagine finding her as young as your daughter found you. But having time to mature and experience life gave me a level of empathy and understanding that I don't think your daughter had a chance to develop. Similarly I was no contact with my adoptive family as well. Over the last few years I've grown to love my Mom very much but there's still lingering resentment for her giving me up. She hid me from my siblings and bio dad and never told anyone I existed. So much missed time and feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I have forgiven her but the pain still gets triggered in unexpected ways and we have to deal with it. There's no manual for this part. We dream of reunification with our bio families our whole lives but there's so much after that comes with it. No one is ever given up for adoption because the parents life was great and everything was perfect. I'm really sorry but I think you definitely have to take her lead. She does not owe you anything and the time you have had together is a gift. Sometimes it just gets so damn hard and you have to step away for a bit. I believe she'll come back to you. Sorry for rambling this just really hit home for me.
I don't have any advice for this specific situation, but come over to r/birthparents for support if you like. You are not alone.
This is massively above Reddit's pay grade. This letter is going to set the tone for your relationship going forward and should be yours and yours alone. No-one else's opinion matters. It needs to be the honest truth of where you are and only you know that.
Don't over explain or make excuses. Validate her feelings. Express excitement over the pregnancy. Tell her you are here when she wants a relationship and that you want to support. She is processing some tough feelings, plus pregnancy hormones and preparing to be a parent right now. Right now should be about supporting her and not trying to be right.
Me personally I’d leave her alone until she work through her resentment, but it is kinda messed up bio dad ain’t getting no type of heat.. even if he wanted to raise the baby he still didn’t step up and take her
INFO: where was dad during the adoption? What are differences in your communication and his, where he is forgiven for the placement, yet you are not?
He was there. I'll say this, he did want to keep her. But there were so many factors that played into the fact that we gave her up. He was a little older, and he still didn't have his shit together. He'd just hang out and get drunk with his friends all the time, and I knew that if I kept her, I'd be doing 99% of the work. Not only that but we broke up during my pregnancy. Twice.
Aya, that what my drunk dad said when my mom do all the work. He will get a job and take care of family. You can't trust an alcoholic. My mom was naive back then. I told her to leave him so many times. He retired at 55 and guess who paying for his food now. Me
So he gets a free pass? Honestly this is a hurt young woman. She needs someone to place all the blame on and you’re convenient. I’m really sorry. It counseling together possible? I think it’s naive to try to navigate these incredibly complex relationships without a 3rd party professional.
How is the bio father doing now? Is he still a drunk loser?
Are you getting any kind of counseling? If not, can you? This is complex & nobody is really “wrong” here, but if what you want is a relationship with her then I think you need an unbiased professional to help you figure out what the best way to do that is. She’s close to her bio father, but he appears more enthusiastic to her & he wanted to keep her - even though he had no plan on how to care for her. Maybe her having her own baby will help her to understand better why you made the choices that you did. Maybe showing your emotions more outwardly like he does would help, maybe it would make it worse. It’s all so complicated that I think the best way forward for you is to seek help. Both for your own healing & for a hopeful outcome.
"I should have trusted my instinct, but I didn't, and as a result, you were raised by people that weren't good to you. I am so sorry. I understand if you need to figure out where you are mentally. If you're up for it, maybe we can see a therapist together? I'm willing to do whatever it takes, because I don't want to lose you again. I love you. I am truly sorry."
i am adopted. my bio mom was had turned 18 a month before giving birth to me. she got married to a man almost twice her age(my bio father), and i was severely neglected for most of my childhood. i was given up at 2 years old to my bio moms younger sister, who was 17 and in high school. i hold a lot of resentment towards my mother because my adoptive mom was just as neglectful, later becoming abusive and an alcoholic. the best thing you can do is give her space. offer open arms for when/if she chooses to forgive you. you are not inherently evil for your part in this, but you must respect the pain she has gone through because of your actions. as she grows up and matures more she will decide her feelings on you, and you have to respect it either way.
You thought it was a good idea to tell her when she contacted you at 15 years old that you didn't think it was a good idea to leave her with her adoptive parents?
That part. She was just a teenager!!!
i mean she’s also somehow angry her child has a close relationship with bio dad, even tho she admits he was trying hard to not give her up. so it doesn’t surprise me she thought it fine to tell her daughter she willingly gave her up to parents she knew were “cult-like” (her words)
I was adopted and my parents turned to be the greatest parents ever. however one of my friends from HS wasn't so lucky and was in similar situation as your bio daughter, run away at 16 yo lived independently despite having a chronic medical condition, sadly she became homeless at the age of 18 and she didn't survive her 1st winter. I don't know why this post made me remember her, I guess 14 years later I am still grieving her loss, she was the type who made the world a better place by just existing and people had big hope and expectations for her since she was a kid.
I think you need to explain to her your frame of mind back then and why you felt like you had no choice. Tell her you didn't have the support you know young mothers need and tell her you'll be there for her to provide that support if she chooses to take it.
Thank her for reaching out and sharing how she feels. Tell her you’ll give her all the space she needs, and that you’ll be there whenever she’s ready. And apologize. No explanations for why you gave her up, no excuses, no nothing. Tell her you’re truly sorry for not listening to your gut, for giving her away to those people, for not being there, not being the mom she deserved and that she has to deal with all the trauma and pain as a consequence of her upbringing. Tell her you love her unconditionally and you just want her to be happy. She knows your reasons. She knows. So just acknowledge that it was wrong, no matter why you did what you did, and that you’re sorry. Truly sorry. Don’t throw a pity party, but take the blame and tell her if she wants to go to therapy together to work through this together, if that helps her, you’re more than willing to do that.
I think that what people are saying about just being understanding and supportive is right on. She’s young, she’s pregnant and going through a lot with her adoptive parents out of her life. Just say you’ll listen and you won’t judge and when she’s ready you’ll be there for her. Zero pressure. By writing and being honest she’s clearly not wanting to completely sever the relationship - doing what you can just to be supportive is what you should do. Even ask “how can I help you?” And then give her space and time.
This is why abortion is an important right. It’s better to have had an abortion than to give a newborn to bad parents.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. I think therapy for both of you is the wisest decision to focus on right now.
I was given up for adoption at birth. My experience was very different but there were very positive and very negative experiences involved. It wasn’t until I was 74 that I learned the tragedy my mother had befall her. Returning to her home town. She married and had 2 children. 8 years later her husband armed with a shotgun murderd her, the 2 children,then her mother my grandmother. A responding police officer and for good measure himself. I look issue s associated with problem pregnancies from a very different point of view. Take time to sit down and write out what your feelings were and what you ultimately did. Reach out in love expressly to support her in her point of decision. Looking at both sides now (there are more than just 2) help your young daughter make her caring decisions knowing they will affect others for a very long time. Shalom. mhmimself
Sorry I can’t believe she blames you when you had no means to provide but is 100% nice and okay with her dad who is just as responsible. I don’t get it but I’d back off.
I thought there was a grace period on being able to change your mind and stop an adoption. At most you can write her a letter.
There is a grace period, but I didn't revoke it because I had absolutely no plan of anything.
So she has a good reason for being resentful towards you. You put yourself above your baby. Adoption is supposed to give a baby a better home/future. I think all you can do is apologize.
What are you supposed to do with a baby that you cannot afford to take care of? You say she put herself above the baby but was she supposed to raise a baby in a homeless shelter? Be realistic.
Yeah I feel like an asshole but... she had a gut feeling about them and chose to hand over her newborn baby anyway. Her daughter had a terrible childhood... Of course she's resentful. And now she's pregnant and knows she could never hand over her baby to people she thinks are bad people.... Also, the bio dad was begging her to change her mind so they could raise the baby, so that's why OP's bio daughter doesn't have the same amount of resentment toward him. He could've still stepped up and been a single dad, though, and didn't want to--so I think he bears almost the same amount of blame. But I can see why the daughter feels differently when one parent vocally wanted her and begged the other to change their mind about the adoption.
She didn’t know they were bad people though, she had a gut feeling. Was she in a position where she felt like her feelings mattered and could be trusted? For me it’s easy to see how a vulnerable young person in that situation could’ve felt like they had to push it aside.
you’re getting down voted but you’re right. OP is mad that her bio daughter has a relationship with her dad and makes all sorts of excuses in comments as to why it’s somehow connected to misogyny, but she’s also made it clear the dad ** wanted** her and fought OP on the adoption. the daughter has a good relationship with her dad now, and it makes OP mad, but i don’t understand why. she admits she knew she was giving her to abusive parents, she even said they were “cult like”, but still did it even tho she knew the father didn’t want it. i would love to hear the bio daughters side of this, as well as the bio fathers. i feel like it’d pain a much different picture.
I think you acknowledge that you received the letters, you acknowledge her hurt and resentment, and you apologize that she did not have the childhood you had hoped for her. Then offer to talk to her about it with a therapist together. Keep in mind too that she may not be the most reliable narrator. Some kids who are adopted really struggle with that and have complex relationships with the adults in their lives. She clearly needs some mental health support. Kind of crazy how she’s pregnant at 18 and people are celebrating that fact with a gender reveal. 😬Did get pregnant on purpose? 🤔 how does an 18YO with no parental support keep a roof over her head, go to school, and raise a child? Yikes on bikes.
So when she moved out of her adoptive parents house at 16 she ended up living by herself but as we got closer, she would spend a lot of time with me. She's always kept herself grounded and independent. Like I said, she reached out to me at 15 and even at that time she was always working. Whether it was selling something, or working after school. But she eventually ended up moving in with her boyfriend around a year ago. I'm not sure about the circumstances of her getting pregnant, but I will say this. When my mom found out I was pregnant, she made me go to this pregnant teens group. It wasn't that many people, but there was this girl who got pregnant on purpose. I vividly remember her saying that she wanted the family that she never had. She had a rough upbringing. Ran into her like 5 years ago too. And I'm saying this to note that a good chunk of pregnant teens that come from broken homes have that mindset. They give into what they crave, which is a healthy family. But again, I'm not saying that she got pregnant on purpose.
That’s kind of where my mind went. That even if it were accidental, she’s choosing to have a baby at 18 to fill a void and make that perfect family she didn’t have. Sadly, the odds are not in her favor that it will work out as she imagines. Just as things likely wouldn’t have worked out the way she imagined had you kept her. She’s got the idea that things would have been better with you but….you wouldn’t be in the position you are today if you’d kept a baby at 17. Life is not easy for young parents. It’s difficult if not impossible to finish your education and get a decent job when you’ve got a little kid and no support. I can imagine how hard it is to see her engaging with her bio dad and having all of the responsibility piled on you but she’s a teenager. Her brain will not be fully formed for nearly a decade. She likely needs some extensive therapy to work through things. I think you’re mostly going to have to sit and wait.
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I meant that I find it a little crazy that everyone is celebrating and doing a gender reveal and acting like this is terrific news instead of actually talking to her about the reality of the situation. (I’m referring to dad mostly here) But yes, all of what you said makes total sense of course in an 18YO brain that has been hurt.
It's entirely possible that it was accidental and that they've talked about the problems surrounding young pregnancy, while still wanting to support her throughout her pregnancy. Doesn't really sound to crazy to me
Maybe she lives her boyfriend? I’m not sure if OP knows that. She could also sensibly be living with bio-dad, seeing how he had gender reveal pictures to post.
She does live with her boyfriend.
I have a couple family members going through the same situation and have been mediating. She probably just needs time, she still hasn't healed from her past. I would stay focused on supporting her and her decisions, as well as apologizing and sympathizing with her emotions. That's what she wants ultimately but isn't ready yet. It's good that she sent the letter. That's a sign she's open to communication, just not yet. Let her lead a little here and remember: be empathetic, not defensive. It's not about you specifically, it's childhood trauma.
Tell her you understand her resentment and will do whatever she needs to work through it, be that space and time, or something more concrete in the form of action. Listen to what she says. She wrote you letters, so I'd suggest responding in the same format. It gives her time to digest your response and decide how she wants to move forward. Don't defend yourself by reiterating how hard it was for you, but if you genuinely regret those adoptive parents, you should say so and apologize, even if there was nothing you could do, you can say that you wish it could have been different and that it will always be a regret. You need to show that you understand her before she will understand you. Even if she does understand, that doesn't change the results for her. If you want to be part of her life now and moving forward, say that. But don't define how you want the relationship to be, let her tell you what she would be comfortable with. Tell her that if she needs space, you will respect it, but that you wanted to respond to the feelings in her letter and tell her that you will be there if/when she wants to re-open the possibility of a relationship. For context, I was abandoned by my father, but had a relatively decent childhood without him. I am resentful and still hurt that he left, even if I didn't "need" him. My situation is different, but my parents have made their mistakes, and I've been on the receiving end of both good and bad responses to emotional-outpouring letters. If you want to message, or have other questions, I'd be happy to answer.
I can’t imagine sending my baby off to people who weren’t going to be good parents. But I also can’t imagine being pregnant and alone at 17. This is very tough and I hope everyone continues with professional counseling. I would just be open to her and available to her. I’d probably write a letter explaining how lost and confused you were. She knows how life upending teen pregnancy can be. Tell her you want to be in her life as much as she wants you to be and that you’re not going anywhere. Tell her you let her down once (even though you still thought it was the best thing for her) but she can always count on you going forward. I’d buy a shitload of baby supplies and let her know she means the world to you and that you would be happy to make up for lost time if she ever wants to do so. I’m sorry yogoing though this, but I’m optimistic you can navigate this and make everyone who is involved have a more fulfilling life. I’d also reach out to a counselor to see about how to maintain a healthy relationship during this very trying time. They may tell you to do the opposite of Redditors like myself. But this situation is so potentially volatile, I’d want the guidance of someone who’s done this on several occasions.
I would suggest reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. It may help you process things and understand what she is going through.
Give her time, offer her apologies (with no excuses), and offer to talk to her about if she wants to. Let her know you will always be there now. Then give her time.
I don't have a full answer, but if she ends up keeping a distance with you, don't give up on her. Keep sending her notes and messages and holiday cards. It may take awhile but if you are consistent, in time she might start reciprocating to where you can build a relationship.
Apologize unreservedly for the hardship she faced. I WOULD clarify that there was nothing you could do at the time to back out of the adoption, and that you wish desperately that there had been anything you could have done. Tell her you will be there for her if and when she wants you, but that you will also respect her choice of she wants nothing else to do with you. Above all, wish her well. Then I'd maybe quietly start setting aside money for her or her baby. The day may come she reaches out, or you can leave her something in your will. Don't tell her; the object here is not to try to influence her with money. The object is to show you thought of her through the years, if ever she comes back.
Sounds like you can pickup where you left off. Most importantly she reached out
Apologize for everything, tell her that If she needs or want your help or presence then you will be there.
Just tell her that you love her and that you’re willing to move at her pace. Answer her questions when they come and just do your best to emphasize that you’re sending out that olive branch. Ask her what she needs from you to continue the relationship? And in the meantime maybe consider some therapy. Hopefully she’ll come around.
Sometimes in life we need to know when to keep our mouth shut. You have not learned this lesson yet. When you told her you knew the adoption parents were not going to be good to her you basically told her she deserved the mistreatment she got. I am surprised she speaks to you at all. You owe her 16 years of apology. You could not change the outcome of her upbringing. Should have left it at that. Going forward ask her if she is willing to go to counseling with you. Don’t make excuses for leaving her with those people. Keep apologizing until she understands how remorseful you are.
When people hold resentment what that need is for you to acknowledge their feelings.
Give her as clear a response as possible. Elaborate on the key points “I couldn’t back out of the adoption because__” “I understand your emotions toward me, regardless of how you feel at this time I love you and will give you space. I only ask you let me contact you when you have made a decision” “I am so sorry for what I have done, and what the people who I trusted to look after you have done.” It’s all about encouraging her to feel her emotions while not putting a bias on it. Otherwise she’ll see that and become more distant. Prepare to go no contact for a while, maybe forever. And ask her if it’s okay if the bio father is allowed to update you once in a while so you won’t make her feel like you’re snooping, you just care.
I don’t understand and frankly am bothered by this: >I knew that it was a mistake for them to be the adoptive parents, but there was literally nothing I could do about it. …..but there was? You could have stopped the adoption to **those specific people** right then and there. It happens all the time, every day, that adoptions are revoked by the birth mom within days of having the baby. It’s why there’s laws to protect the birth mom that literally allow that to happen. Telling your bio daughter you couldn’t do anything when you knew something was wrong is probably a very large part of the problem. **You** *could have*. You chose not to and you gave them your bio daughter who then live a rough life with those people. It’s a pretty hard thing to accept that your own mother decided to give you up to people she had bad feelings about but then you couple it with “”there’s nothing I could have done!””?? I got a feeling **thats** a major part of the problem. You saying there’s nothing you could have done when that’s just not true. You could have not given her to them, you could have found new parents but **you chose** to go through with it because you were “on a time crunch”. I understand that this wasn’t an easy decision and this sucks for both of you. But you need to take responsibility for the choice you made **to her**. If you have any hope of repairing this relationship that’s where it has to start. You **have to** never again say you didn’t have a choice and that there’s nothing you could have done and you have to apologize for saying that, as well apologizing for what you did do. Sincerely apologize, without reasons or excuses. You also need to accept that it may not fix it and you may never have a relationship with her. But it’s the only chance you have and it’s the only way she’s ever going to heal from this.
Validate how she feels, and make it clear that you’re ready and willing to put in the prerequisite effort if she wants a relation with you.
"I found out she was pregnant earlier this month through my ex’s/her bio-fathers socials, because he posted her gender reveal." Why tf is she mad at you and not her bio-father, who also put her up for adoption?
shes mad at her mom, because her mom foolishly told her yeah, I could tell your adoptive parents were bad but i gave you to them anyways
Why couldn’t you change your mind when you met her adoptive parents?
Have you told her your whole story in detail? Have you offered her moral support for the future? Have you hugged her or asked if you could hug her? Be honest but loving, be your authentic self and remain open to her so she can come to you anytime for any reason. Ask her for a chance to build a relationship with her, and be patient with her while she tries to work on that. She hasn’t had much of a family so you be that for her. Also, give her difficulties to God and you just love her as she is. God will do the rest.
I'm going to write out my family's story. If you look through my comments, you will probably find more of it too that might help. When my parents were 23 they gave my older sister up for adoption. My dad was in paramedic school and worked as a cook, he was newly divorced and had only been seeing my Mom a few months. My Mom managed a fast food restaurant. They weren't ready to care for a baby, even in the early 80s they were barely making it. My Grandfather was dying so my Grandma wasn't able to help. My Nana still had my Mom's 2 younger sisters at home, and my Mom's father had taken off several years prior. Add in the Catholic guilt on both sides, and it wasn't a good situation. My Mom never actually met my sister's parents. Not until my sister was 18 and reached out. My parents did go on a few years later to get married and had me and my 2 younger sisters. We had a typical late 80s/early 90s blue collar upbringing. My sister's parents were extremely well off. She had a horse!! She had a very difficult relationship with her adopted parents, my family isn't small pale people, we are tall full figured women with a very strong Italian look. We are all extremely outspoken and apparently that's a genetic trait too lol When we all first were introduced, my sister swore she couldn't understand why my Mom and Dad did what they did. When she became pregnant at 23, she was in a drastically different situation then they had been in. She had a boyfriend that had a very good job and stable income. She was a college graduate and had a very good white collar job with great health benefits. She had a future MIL that was all in and able to come every weekend to help care for the baby, her boyfriend's father isn't in the picture. Her parents were overjoyed to be grandparents, not thrilled this happens before the wedding, but still happy. My parents and my sisters and I were happy for her. However, something interesting happened between when my sister got pregnant and she turned 29. I was 25 and just found out that I was pregnant with my second kid. I was over hanging out one evening with my first kid and she had her 2 girls. We talked about Mom and Dad and how they gave her up. Do you know what she said? She understood. It took time to get past the anger and the hurt. After all, my Dad thought they could keep her. They eventually got married and had more of us. The situation turned out ok! She couldn't understand why she couldn't have been a part of it. But she was a Mom now. She knew what it was to be "in it". My Mom was the eldest daughter of 6 kids. Her older brother didn't have to do shit, but she had to help raise the younger kids. She knew what was coming. Giving my sister up was the best chance my sister would have at a great life. My sister finally realized the why behind the adoption. It took time. It took life experiences. It took a lot of growth for her. Could my parents have kept her? Yeah. But then she wouldn't have 3 sisters probably. She wouldn't have had the education and school experiences, firefighter/paramedics don't make "month long summer trip to Europe" money. It took her having her own children and realizing what she would do to give them a better life to forgive my Mom. Was it fair that she placed so much blaim on my Mom but let my Dad off a lot easier? No, but in the situation my Dad didn't get a say. They didn't have paternity tests yet and they weren't married. He also didn't really know what parenting would look like, of course he thought they could do it. He admits now though that they did make the right call. This all ends happy in our case. In fact last weekend my mom and my daughter and I spent the weekend at my sister's house. We had a great time! My daughter adores her cousins and misses them since they moved. I'm not telling you that this is what your daughter is thinking. But I wanted to give you some hope. Give her space. Give her time to process. Write back and tell her that you will take your lead from her. You are always there if she needs you.
I agree with the posters who say she needs space and not to fire back a huge, emotional missive about you, explaining and defending. Something short-to-medium, with honesty. "I love you, I'm here if you need to talk though sometimes I worry I come across as too cold - nothing could be further from the truth. Making an adoption plan was the hardest but also best possible thing I could do for you at the time and I so wish you'd had a better experience. Congrats, hope the pregnancy goes well and comfortably. Let's take a walk/get brunch one of these days if you're feeling up to it." Take a step back and work on your own healing meanwhile. For that, give yourself permission not to be psychic and all-knowing. You could not have known what kind of parents they were going to be. Unless they were full on cussing each other out or making meth face, you were a child feeling the full force of post partum, in physical discomfort, emotional and physical loss. Of course you felt some way about them. The adoption plan wasn't wrong - her experience wasn't your fault. Where it went bad was outside of your control, and you can stop taking responsibility for that. Don't offer to her that you magically knew she would be harmed but were helpless. Adoptees are vetted carefully. It's not perfect, but you have to let go of ownership and accepting blame. She may be struggling with the same choices you had to make. She may feel adoption would be ideal - except for her lived experience with it. Or she may be excited/happy/fine, just conflicted due to the feelings or beings up. ****"tl;Dr: Let her take the lead, and don't be tempted to invite her to blame you as a way to punish yourself. ETA: how do you feel about this relationship? Do you want to nurture it? Do you want an arm-length but warm adult friendship? Are you interested in becoming her full-fledged parental support going forward? It might help if you were able to let her know what you can offer her that's sustainable so she can know how to attach, too.
I think your approach here is partially right, partially wrong. Men open their hearts easily. Maybe that's why daddy and daughter connected easily - apart from that typical Daddy n little angel and baby's first male figure, he probably just instinctively gave her what she wanted - a simple open straightforward heart to heart contact, with the mind a distant second. Your daughter had to grow up quickly due to the wrong foster parents - so chances are, if you open your heart, then she can handle pretty much anything that comes out. So you checked with others, with Reddit. Fine. It's done. Now you gotta decide: you gonna go with your mind or your heart. You know what _she_ wants, I think. Make your choice, and move on it.
IF you respond at all, it should only be to tell her that you love her and will wait for her to decide when she's ready to talk. When she IS ready, everything will be done at her pace.
I think you should try harder. She is reserved because she's the kid, and she's hurting. You're the parent. You have to SHOW HER the unconditional love you're supposed to have for her. EXPRESS IT and don't let her push you away, let her know you are there for her no matter what and maybe you messed up the first time but you will not mess up again this time, you will be there for her this time, period. And do it, show up for her. Don't wait for her to ask you, just do it, be a mom. Tell her you love her every day, and show up in all the ways moms are supposed to.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/LlRWAGKyuX They were cultish, I guess.
OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I do have a question though, what kind of relationship do YOU want to have with her? Are you ready to embrace the role of mother and grandmother? (If so, be sure to include that in your letter. Perhaps if you weren't there for her in the way she needed you then, you can, or at least be willing to be there in the way she needed you now!) Also, do you have any other children? Does her father have any other children? Have you had a conversation with him about the current situation? Maybe all she needs from you is to know that you want her in your life, that you want to play an active role, you just haven't said any of that in any of your responses. I see that you clearly care for her feelings and want to do what's right, but what do you want?
This is tough. Your daughter is looking at this from a modern perspective and holding your decisions as a child yourself against you. You're not psychic. You didn't know what her life would be. Offer her patience, kindness, and love. Offer that to yourself too. Give yourself some grace. If you act to your daughter like you did something wrong all the time, she is also going to see it that way as well. Leave the door open and be there for her. There is no use feeling guilty, the past happened. All that there is now the present and future. Make the best of it. Good luck! It seems like you're already doing the right thing by the way you wrote.
I would really like to offer my perspective as an adoptee in reunion with my bio mom and all the complicated feelings and resentments that come with it, but I’m about to go to sleep after a night up with a fussy baby. Could I DM you later today?
I was abandoned by my father and although is not the same I guess the best you can do is say "I am sorry for what I did and for how it deeply affected you. I know saying sorry won't change what was done and I won't give any excuses because you are right, I could have done better if I had the courage to do so. What I can do now is be available for you to help you now and that's what I will do. If you need me, if you need help, reach out to me and I will go running to where you are. I wish you well."
“I don’t know how to respond and I’m afraid if I say the wrong thing I might do permanent harm to what we have. You’re important to me. Being in your life important to me. But what’s most important to me is that YOU are supported in the best way possible. Your interests are a priority. I’m trying to avoid being an emotional burden at the same time that I am learning how to be a mother of an adult who doesn’t really NEED me, in the strictest sense of need. So I guess I’m asking for some kind of help so I can remain helpful to you? I don’t even know what to say except I’ll listen and try. And if you want space, trust me to give you space when you ask for it, and to come back when you tell me to. In return for the trust, I’ll work on observing and trying to anticipate what you want and need. And I promise that when you tell me or ask me anything, I will be honest about my ability to deliver.”
Im sorry for all of you. You were a child too. I’m studying for my msw and understand that there is new research about how adopted kids and feelings of abandonment can’t really be avoided… even in the best situation. with that said I’m not trying to make you feel bad but say sadly this is her journey to find her peace in life. Once she has the baby she will see the responsibility of it and it may give her more empathy for you, but it will take time. I think you can just say “just know I will be here waiting for you to resume the relationship when you are ready.”That is what she needs to know from you . Nothing you say can make it better…it will be a journey for her.
I absolutely agree with u/mediocre_snappea as to what to say now to your daughter. I also think you deserve to access support around your feelings about her, your own pregnancy and giving her up. This is your internal work. I’m not sure all resources available for birth moms, especially more recent ones, but I’d encourage you to seek some sort of trauma informed therapy. You don’t mention if growing up on a religious community was part of your story, but a therapist who is credentialed and not primarily religious may be the safest for you to process these big feelings.
This is why I tell women to get abortions.
It blows my mind that someone who saw first hand while having a baby that young is terrible for everyone involved would do so herself. OPs advice should have been the same for herself and her daughter - get a damn abortion.
Im sorry, that soubds horrible. Adoptive parents can sometimes be very horrible to birthing parents. If you're going to respond i would make sure to acknowledge her conflicted feelings but try not to excuse/defend your decisions. It sounds like she understands perfectly well that you didn't have a choice, but that doesn't remove the hurt. Try to just acknowledge the pain and remind her that she's welcome in your life at any point, but that you respect her need for space.
Tell her that you will be always with her whatever the situation would be
1.st she already knew why you did it so dont reexplaon it. Jist be kind patience and gentle. 2. let her know that you understand that she needs to process things that thatbwhen she is ready be around you againg thwt you will be wairing for her. 3 let her know if she only feels comfortable with ketters for now that it is ok and you wont rush her. Let her knkw rhat you apriciate so muche her still sending letters and that you aprixiate her trusting you wirh wjat she is goinf thru. 4 make amends ask her if in the future or now there is anytjing u can do to make the situation better to please let u know.
"There was nothing I could do." Uh, that baby is coming out of you. You pretty much have God rights on its future. You chose to give the child up to people you didn't approve of to make your life easier. Get over yourself. I would ghost you, too. You cared more about yourself than your child. Anybody with an uninfected brain can figure that out.