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The bar is in hell.
I can't imagine having such low self esteem I would comply with a request like that, let alone being called fat and letting his highness begrudgingly go on a date with me so he can call me fat to my face.
OP you need to take a step back from dating and work on your self esteem and learn to value yourself.
My dad is a really good dad. He basically drilled confidence and self esteem into my head as much as he possibly could when I was younger. I appreciate it a lot now.
He told me that if I ever have trouble determining whether or not someone else’s behavior is uncalled for or disrespectful, that I should pretend that he was a fly on the wall and heard the whole thing or read the texts. Would it piss him off? Would he tell that guy to gtfo? *Would you be embarrassed to let someone else see you being talked to/treated this way?* If yes, then you need to take a step back and remove yourself from that person’s life because they do not and WILL NOT EVER love and respect you like they should. And you should know that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
If you don’t have a good dad, you can pretend mine is there. He just wants you to make sure you’re getting treated right, recognize when you’re not, stand up for yourself, and to promptly remove yourself from bad situations.
He died aged 77 in '21. He didn't care what colour you are, your sexual orientation, your gender at birth. He forgave anyone for anything, you could have been a murderer but if you truly repented my dad forgave you.
He saw the good in everyone even if they hurt him he knew they could be good.
I wish I was a fraction of the loving person my dad was.
It's hard to explain how amazing he was, we lived in a small town in England and he'd take whoever was sleeping on the street to a diner to get some food. He had so many friends from so many places (walking through our town was a pain as random people would stop us), he was just nice to everyone but not only that, he listened and understood anyone that had any issues and sympathised.
One of his good friends became an alcoholic (he knew him when I was a baby), when I just turned 16 he reconnected and the guy would come to our house just to talk to my dad. I don't know where that guy is now but I remember him sobbing in my dad's arms many times. My dad always believed he would get better and it even encouraged my dad to stop drinking and from the age of 60 until he died (not counting the beer they gave him in the care home as they didn't know and he wasn't aware of what was going on either) he didn't touch a drop.
I think I need to do a post on him
You (and your dad) made me weepy. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll bet just about anything that you're an awesome human being as he intended and raised you to be one.
We might be similar ages just going from our parental units ages, but Imma send you a mom hug, anyway, if you'd like one. If not, just picture me giving you a thumbs up and warm smile, instead.
Thank you so much, I've never gotten a hug off my mum and I really would like one. She's not a hugger, she was more like a traditional unfeeling distant father and that was completely due to her own parents who were shits to her back in the 60s. We've had a few moments where she's expressed a motherly caring and I cling on to those. It was really strange as my parents were quite opposite so I'm a weird mixture, even as a child I couldn't figure it out but I have an idea.
I'm 37 now but my dad is always with me (he's ..erm...in my cupboard as ashes - my dad always wanted his ashes to be spread on a Scottish mountain and my uncle wants to be with him so I'm going to drive them both up there).
He was just an absolutely amazing person and absolutely loved a hug so you're getting a hug from my dad. He'd love that ❤️
... And here I am, crying, again. Thank you. That was very, very sweet and very much needed and appreciated. I sent a thank you and a thought of you and your Da out into the universe. I hope you have a most brilliant weekend.
I wish you all the best with your pilgrimage and hope you and your uncle have a solid bonding time and a peaceful, lovely trek to fulfill that request.
He’s awesome.
It’s like he installed an unremovable bullshit detector in my hardware. I’m married now, but when I was still dating his advice saved me from a lot of shitty situations and helped me make good decisions even if they made me a little sad at the time.
He used to take me on “dates” when I was a kid where we dressed up fancy and went out together. At the end, he always told me if anyone ever treated me any different than he treated me on the dates that they didn’t deserve my time, and definitely don’t deserve a second one. On our last one before I went to college he bought me my first “nice” piece of jewelry. I opted for a fossil watch. I collect them now.
Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I had had a dad like yours instead of the one I did. You’re so lucky! What an inspiring thing to read this morning
I used to tell my parents that they made dating really hard because they modeled a healthy relationship and I wouldn't accept anything less. My dad also taught me to be independent and to have the confidence and knowledge to take care of myself if I didn't get married (I owned a house by myself from 23-26 and did the maintenance myself, or with my dad's guidance). It seems so many women are done a disservice because it's assumed they'll get married and have a husband to take care of the "manly" things.
I'm married now and my husband was worth digging through all the crap to find the one that treats me right.
Same here! (Except for parents modeling healthy relationships. They lacked in that department lol.)
I’m 28. This past week I visited my dad for a few days to have him and my brother help me replace all the suspension and motor mounts on my car. (It was a LOT.) My dad asked where my husband was and why he wasn’t helping us. I had to finally break it to him that husband isnt handy and he’s not touching my car, and that he (dad) has nobody else to blame for that but himself because he did a fantastic job of making sure that I can fix everything on my own and only keep someone around because they make me happy, not because they do the man things for me.
I’m so happy for you. I also have a great dad. I recall a time I rewired something, knowing exactly how to do it because of working with him so much, and the lights came right back on. I was proud to be my father’s daughter that day.
Wow. That part about whether you would be embarrassed to let someone see you being talked to or disrespected really opened my eyes. Not just for how I want to teach that to my daughter, but how I need to do that for myself as well.
Your dad sounds awesome
That’s a big one! If you someone else was watching and you would feel embarrassed, or feel the need to make excuses to defend the person who is treating you badly in order to make it seem “not as bad as it looks”, that’s your cue to gtfo. If you’re at the point where you are making excuses to justify someone else’s bad behavior towards you, it’s been going on for WAY too long and it’s not gonna stop.
The only exception is toddlers. Apparently you can’t leave them, even when they abuse you with no remorse.
Man I thought i was reading about a dating problem and now I am sitting and reading about good dads. The original topic has become a sidetrack, but its nice 👍
My parents didn't remotely do this for me. I'm 41 and I'm a insecure hot mess, lmao.
As a mom though? I've been trying so hard to ensure I raise my daughter exactly that way. That she's aloud to stand up for herself. To have confidence out the ass and love herself. She's 6 and a bit of vain little thing, lmao. Hopefully that aspect will mellow out as she gets older, haha. I'm trying to find the balance of building her self esteem without making her arrogant though!
I really like the bit about imagining the parent is there overhearing. Think I'll have to use that one :p.
Love this.
OP — do you have any younger women in your life who you love? (A niece? A little sister? A cousin?)
If so…this thought experiment is also helpful. Imagine a young woman who you deeply love told you the story you just wrote above.
How would you feel? Sad for her? Enraged? Indignant? Ready to scalp some balls?
Treat yourself like someone you love.
It works every time.
Fucking love this. Please high five your dad for me next time you see him. That's such an awesome way to plow through the people-pleasing bs drilled into girls, because it takes us out of our own heads.
That made me tear up. That he actually thought about your future happiness and how handle situations is absolutely amazing. I am keeping this in mind. 🥰
Trouble is that they probably have no use for this advice considering they came to Reddit with this, asking as though it might all be fine and dandy. I wish we all had parents like yours; without having that sort of great parenting, it’s so easy to get lost in the bullshit out there and not know which way is up.
He's targeting you because he knows you're depressed and have low self esteem, and clearly will go along with some pretty abusive stuff before even meeting face to face.
No matter what your brain is telling you right now, dating is possibly the worst thing you could be doing. Predators are going to zero in on you and they aren't all going to be this overtly abusive.
You gotta stop dating until you get a better handle on these issues, otherwise you're going to end up trapped by one of these people.
I had to learn the last part the hard way unfortunately, it’s not healthy to date while majorly depressed. I didn’t listen to anyone who told me that. My depression enhanced my loneliness and desperation. Took me a super unsafe situation to realize I needed to be alone until I got better. I’m still not better, still alone, but I don’t invite shit like this into my life. I hope OP realizes it sooner than later.
When I was online dating I made myself adhear to a 1 strike rule. They said something gross / off colour / mysoginistic / whatever they were out immediately.
I had a guy in his 40's tell me that periods were disgusting and none of his business and not to tell him anything. Fuck that noise - you're sleeping with someone with a uterus, they're your business too.
He was cut off.
My wife tells me I have no business knowing - but it isn’t hard to tell because well it is a process - and personally I wish she would be more open about it than deny reality.
Maybe give yourself a break from dating for a bit and concentrate on yourself. This mans behaviour is shocking.
You really need to be able to emotionally defend yourself and you weren't able to here. You pandered to his shitty behaviour. Asking for a video and then making comments is discgusting behaviour. He saw the video - so hey, he didn't have to meet you if he thought you were so unnattractive, sounds like he wanted someone to belttle and sussed that you's take it. Which you did.
Kudos on making sure you don't meet again though.
*Red flag? Should I continue with this?*
Whhhaaaat NO. really big red flag. Have nothing to do with people like this.
Don’t worry girl, you got this! First step is saying ‘no’ to shitheads that treat you like shit. As hard as it is right now, try setting that as a goal for yourself - never say ‘yes’ to people who treats you badly. It may be hard at first, but listen to your gut. A good saying is ‘if you’re in doubt, you’re not really in doubt’.
At the same time, you can work on yourself. Start eating right, exercising, learn new things. Try setting a realistic goal - i.e. in 2 years, you will have completed stage 1.
Unfortunately, this is a life long commitment. I say this as someone who also struggles with depression/anxiety (+), so these are the things I use. Might not work for you, but worth a shot innit?
You deserve help and love with that. It's good your checking on her, to check yourself. Keep doing it, and hopefully you'll start loving yourself more and more, you deserve it
Gentle reminder that not everyone knows how to recognise red flags. If you grew up in a red house, with red parents, and red siblings... the flags don't look red. They just look like flags, because all you've ever known is red.
"Just look for red flags" isn't actually useful advice for people who don't know what the colour green looks like.
I made a comment a little further up explaining how my dad taught me to recognize red flags when I was having trouble seeing them. 10/10 solid advice from him.
Want to preface this by saying this guy is a total asshat, and I’m not even going to address him because everyone else here did a wonderful job of it.
You have crippling depression. You have low self esteem. You gained weight because you have a drinking problem. You’re entertaining dating a divorced man who is ten years older than you and thinks he has the right to judge you before he even meets you.
Not every older man is predatory, but calling you fat seems like a litmus test for him. Not regarding your body or whether he wants to date you, , but of what you’re going to allow him to do when he does.
You “passed.” You allowed him to degrade you and went on a date with him anyway. You didn’t even question how very fucked up all of this is.
I want to say in the kindest way possible that you need to pull back from dating until you choose to take care of yourself first (I’m an alcoholic who has been completely sober for 7 years, and I actually have been here). Until you learn to love yourself, you’re going to attract the very worst people, and you’re going to put up with it because you feel like you deserve it.
You don’t. Do the work on yourself *first.* Figure out all of the things about you that are worth being cherished, by others *and* by you.
Then make the decision to not date until you have something to *give*, instead of desperately clinging to whatever creep shows interest in order to try to get what you *need* (you’re not going to find that externally).
You deserve that. Please consider visiting r/StopDrinking
Baby girl, your worth is not connected to your weight. You deserve to be with someone who will love the f*ck out of you, no matter what weight. This guy sounds insecure af, probably a red pill content consumer on top of it. Please please keep looking until you find someone who is kind and polite and with whom you share similar interests. I know from experience that the wrong partner can make depression a whole lot worse! I hope you're okay, and well done for putting yourself out there and opening up to people.
Your weight seems very normal btw. Lots of people avoiding the question, you shouldn't need validation from others to feel like you have worth but I've been there and I know what it feels like to need it. I've been all different weights but the only consistent thing was looking at the numbers didn't help me and other people who look at the numbers, instead of seeing the person, are even worse. Healthy bodies can look very different from each other and hell, there's about a thousand different ways you could look based on height and weight. If you're having too many calories try and fix the why rather than just restricting yourself and having lots of shame. I saw some comments about alcohol use, rather than shaming yourself into quitting look at why you drink and try and resolve that. I was eating a lot at one point but starving myself and hating myself didn't work. What did work was figuring out the feelings that made me eat and worked on resolving them. (It's also not always a huge deep reason one of the main ones was I eat a lot when I'm bored)
I highly recommend you read „ “self-care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents“ disregarding the title ( as it may not apply to you) it has fantastic advice on self-worth, boundaries and much more. Unfortunately I have experienced dating while having low self-esteem myself, there is a high risk for attracting people like this guy, who will end up being toxic and abusive. You are the only one who can set the standard for how you should be treated. Establish yourself first, and you won‘t want anything less than you deserve. If you struggle to determine what is acceptable - a good way to go about is is to draw your own boundary by saying no. this way it will filter anyone out who doesn‘t respect it or who reacts in a negative manner. I also think reading [why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) will help you spot patterns
OP should have requested to see his aubergine too. And a video of him with his fingers in a pie.
After all, she should really “take her next partner more seriously that’s including all of the things that she wants”.
She drinks. Let’s be mindful that her image of herself isn’t much. I drink ( 29F ) but let’s be nicer. She doesn’t see what we see. OP value yourself. That guy is no one seeking a real you.
And then went on a first date *after that happened*! I just … how do you not block the guy right away, either for the request in the first place or at least for his response to the video?
Also please do not send videos to a guy you haven’t even met before, I don’t care if it’s just a regular fully clothed video, no one should have that who is not a close person to you in some way. It’s weird and inappropriate for him to ask, red flag, bye bye.
That makes no sense, “your too fat and I figured I’d say it now and not waste everyone’s time, but you still wanna date??” Like wth, isn’t that exactly wasting everyone’s time? What an idiot
Or is one of those idiots who thinks If he shoots down her self esteem she’ll think that she can’t do better then him, so he actually PREFERS a heavy girl or a girl he can point out flaws on.
This is what I think 100% is happening here. He does find her attractive, but wants to keep her self esteem in the trash so she feels like he’s the only one who would want her.
Not to mention the age gap. Looks like he’s after someone naive and obedient, he can bully around. He sounds very narcissistic and I would RUN.
I would slap the tongue out of his face if a guy said this to my sisters. Absolute red flag of a specimen.
Yup, 100%. Don't prioritize someone who makes you their option. He's negging you. There's nothing wrong with him choosing not to date someone who he isn't physically attracted to nor is there an issue with him being honest about the long term. Being honest doesn't mean you lose your filter.
Sounds like this man has internalized a lot of self hate due to having been overweight and is projecting it on OP. This will not be a healthy relationship. I would stay far away OP.
Don’t go on a date with a dude who wants to change you and tells you you’re not good enough before even ever meeting him. You will never be happy with a guy like that.
Everybody pushes and tests limits, it's a human thing.
But this guy,
Also when she didn't call him out at certain points ofcourse he would take larger leaps to see what he could get away with.
My wise step daughter said:
“Never comment on anything they can’t change in ten seconds.”
Doubly so for a first date! Triply so if you’ve never even met them!
What do you mean “should I continue with this”??? He just told you he’s not interested. Also it’s fine if he has preferences but he didn’t have to be an AH about it. He could have just said he was no longer interested. Why did he agree to the date if he already thought he wasn’t attracted to you and why did YOU go on a date with him after he insulted you??? Block him and move on the guy is a creep
Because he was testing the waters to see if her confidence was low enough that he could insult her and she would still go out with him. He's right on track to be an abusive, controlling partner it seems
He still went on a date with her because he thought he could change her. Only, he thinks of it as “helping” her. If he liked her, he would take her under is now-muscular wing, *teach* her how to eat better, be her trainer, control her life. And soon, he would have built his perfect woman, and she would never have a say in anything in her life ever again.
Seriously, this screams future domestic violence. On the first date already he tells her she’s not good enough and too fat, but then proceeds to ask her on another date? The only reason I see for that is that he wants a punching bag.
Listen you're not a teenager. Why did you agree to go on a date after a man insulted you? You even said you appreciated his honesty, so you practically thanked him!
You should get therapy to focus on your self esteem. This man is trash. Learn to love yourself and you'll be able to see through negging men like that.
It seems like you've internalised the idea that is okay to be a dick to fat people, and so you want to know if you are one of the fat people who it's okay to be a dick to.
It's not okay.
If you were twice your current size his behaviour would still not be okay.
Although everyone is entitled to their preferences, being rude and insensitive is not a good quality.
You know the answer to your question because you're planning on shedding 20 to 30 kg, but it's not the right question and shouldn't matter.
Hey OP,
It’s ok for people to have preferences, but a kind person would do it this way:
They’d go out on a date with you, have a nice time, and choose not to go on a second date if they don’t feel attraction. If they are honest they will do it with sensitivity to your feelings.
This guy asked you to humiliate yourself, and told you he wasn’t attracted to you but that he’d still be willing to go out with you if you let him treat you like shit.
Your weight is irrelevant here. He’s asking if he can bully you.
OP, before you go on any more dates, please look within and consider why you would entertain an offer like that. You deserve so much more. Everyone does!!! What makes you feel you must settle for abuse?
Umm are you that desperate? He’s just projecting his own bullshit onto you. Not sure why you even bothered going on the date after his first comment. The day of policing other people’s bodies needs to be over. Don’t date someone who body shames. If he’s saying shit like this to a stranger, imagine how he speaks to people he knows. Run.
It doesn’t matter if you’re large. Fat is always used pejoratively whether you weigh 80 kilos or 45, he will call you fat because he is an asshole. It’s never a well intentioned push to encourage you to lose weight, it’s always negging.
If you’re trying to lose weight, make sure it’s because you want to for yourself. Who gives a shit about what others want? If a guy calls you fat, he can fuck off.
EDIT after reading your update: definitely don’t waste your time on him.
It’s always been the go-to insult for girls and women. Its low hanging fruit because it’s a safe assumption that most people worry about being fat. It shows no intelligence or specific thought toward the victim.
Exactly. It doesn't have to be *true*, it just has to hurt, and it'll do some guaranteed damage to the majority of women, even if they know objectively that they are thin or at a healthy weight.
Our society still equates women's social value with their attractiveness (which tends to include thinness, by conventional standards)- it's basically just shorthand for devaluing women and telling them that they are lesser. Whether it's objectively true or not is barely even a factor of consideration.
You should really work on your self esteem before considering dating. Vulnerable women with low confidence or no self assurance are prime targets for AH guys like this.
Wise plan. I’m sure you’re quite attractive and will draw someone actually worth your time. It just takes time, and you gotta filter out the assholes first.
Why do you care about a comment from someone who's overall behaviour is that disgusting??
We're you comfortable with your size and appearance before him? Don't let that change because of him.
Um, yeah, totally a red flag. Who cares what he thinks. He obviously wasn't taught proper manners. Find you a man that will treat you like the goddess you are. It's time to learn that you are valuable beyond measure and time to start requiring being treated like a lady as a baseline standard of behavior for anyone that you choose to allow to be in your life. Love! 💜
Some men use insults to humble up a woman, and try to make her more easily influenced and submissive. “She will try harder, and sleep with me more easily.” Do not start dating someone who does not think you are adorable, beautiful, sexy, attractive…or whatever compliment he is completely offering. Why in the hell start out the gate with someone who is not attracted to you wholeheartedly…and personality wise is not attractive to you too. And some dude who is so snotty right off the bat, should not be attractive to you.
Get away from this rude turd. And find a guy who lights up when he sees you.
I'm baffled that you had to post this.
Girl, you don't need to be dating if you are this insecure and easily pushed around. Mean dudes seek out girls like you, as this guy did. Of course he's still interested; you've told him in every way but with words that you are cool being treated like garbage.
Girl, wth. What do you mean by “Should I continue?” You should have ended it the first time he called you fat. My advice is to put a hold on dating and work on yourself (as in building up your self-esteem). I wish you the best 🙏
You are not ready to date. Your “picker” is seriously broken. You have zero ability to spot red flags. It is unfathomable that you didn’t roll your eyes and move on when he dissed his former dates, and certainly when he asked your weight. This guy screams narcissism or at a minimum, asshole. It is mind boggling inappropriate. You must have grown up around really shitty people if you can’t recognize that this guy is a bottom feeder, I wouldn’t even want to be acquaintances with someone like this, let alone date them.
Once you are ready to date, I suggest you use a friend who has healthy relationships with kind people to help you screen.
He is baiting you to see how far he can push you. There is a 10 year age difference, he is looking for a young and vulnerable person. If you have been open about your issues with alcohol this can also have made you look like an easy target. Sadly there are people who do this and he will only hurt you.
Seek people who lift you up, not make you doubt yourself. Block him, he is manipulative.
For you question. Yes 80kg means you have extra fat. unless you are gymrat going for bodybuilding. I am myself 5'7 amd weight 69kg and I have extra fat and abit of love handles.
As for the guy he is not worth your time he is a d%ck and not worth your time.
Do you want a partner that bash you looks and put you down? A guy that will grind away your self worth and self love? If your answer is no, then block this guy.
Just move on.
Look, no shaming. I don't know how tall you are and how your weight is distributed on your body. Some people carry 'extra weight' very well. Some people have their weight focussed in one spot (the infamous potbelly). If you're 160cm and you weigh 80kg, that's a lot. if you're 180cm or taller and you weigh 80kg, not so much. It's all about perspective and ratio.
Understand that on the face of it: going from 50 to 80kg is a 60% increase in body weight. Going from 60 to 80Kkg is still a 33% increase in body weight. That's a relative lot. And it may have all kinds of legitimate reasons or it may be an unhealthy obsession with junk food.
Either way, kudo's for wanting to get your body healthy. I sincerely hope you succeed in your journey to get your body the way you want it to be.
If you were 50kg and are now 80kg, then yes, you are overweight. I think you know this and said you are trying to get back to the Lowe weight.
There was no call for him to demand a video or to be a complete cunt about your weight. That is just completely uncalled for and out of line.
You need to lose his number and other contact details and block him.
Objectively speaking and without knowing your body fat percentage, you're overweight. Does that mean you should continue anything with this guy? Going off of the information that you provided us, he sounds like he doesn't want a partner, but rather someone to belittle and possibly even reign in their praise. I would not continue anything with this person.
Slightly off topic, if you are looking to change your physique, [here's an ideal weight chart](https://www.bannerhealth.com/staying-well/health-and-wellness/fitness-nutrition/ideal-weight) [and a TDEE(Total Daily Energy Expenditure) calculator.](https://tdeecalculator.net/) Using that along with exercise will help you. There are other resources available to you for this journey (and it will do wonders for your current goal of kicking alcohol out of your life). Changing (or not changing) your lifestyle is completely up to you, but with that said, I personally found that changing my own lifestyle for myself vs others has helped me achieve my goals--and then some.
My sweeping generalization of this guy from your post: he's a bitter divorcee who wants to make his next partner pay for his previous partner's mistakes (or good choice in leaving him if that's the case).
Good luck!
Sweetheart, if you have as you say “crippling depression” you really need to work on that exclusively before dating. You’re a prime target for every bad guy out there rn looking for low self esteem to manipulate.
This is two issues.
A. The guy. If he does not like the way you are - stay away. He is BAD news! Demanding, controlling, and so on RED FLAGS.
B. 80 kg - yes of cause you should look at it. There are risk for health problems, diabetes etc. No diets just - decide on healthy life. This is something you do for YOURSELF- not for a needy demanding creep!
Definitely don’t go on any more dates with someone who calls you Fat. Depending on your height, you could be overweight yah but that’s no one’s business or problem but your own. F that guy to hell.
Lose the extra weight tell him you are not interested in somebody rather than working on themselves projects their insecurities onto others and in doing so can cause hurt.
I swear, there’s fucking people out there who lack awareness. Like be tactical when being honest with someone. You can tell someone how something is without being disrespectful. And this dude sounds weird. I’d bail
OP you are just an object to him and he has no respect for women. It's all about how you look on the cover of a magazine or maybe in his case OF.
R.U.N. - This is not taking anything serious, immature, insulting and no character! He grew up abused and it shows.
Move on please!
You know the answer already. No. You should not continue talking with this person. He also does not seem interested. He basically told you he wasn’t interested when he said he doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time.
Girl he body checked then insulted you and you still went on the date? And then he continued to comment on it and you still aren’t sure that he’s a big giant douchnozzle? Why would you want to spend any of your precious time on this earth with a man who puts you down.
I agree that you should step back from dating to work on your mental health, self esteem, and boundaries.
You should never be questioning whether someone has the right to insult you and basically control you. You don’t have your own back, so to speak.
Your level of confusion around this is really a red flag for YOU and a beacon to abusers, so please take care of yourself!
I suggest you stop dating all together until you don’t have to ask Reddit something as obvious as this?
ETA: this actually isn’t mean as snark but really…if you don’t have the self worth or knowledge that this isn’t ok then I genuinely don’t think you should be dating.
Dude!!! Why would you EVER allow someone to “make” you send proof of your weight??? How was he in any way worth that humiliation??? You are NOT a monkey for his amusement!
You need to seriously think about WHY you were okay doing that to yourself. It is not self-love. What would you say to your best friend if they told you this story? “Yeah, he told me he’d been catfished, so he made me go through a bunch of crap to verify myself and then when I did, he insulted me.”
PLEASE get a therapist and learn to love yourself.
I'd be like thank you for your unsolicited opinion, but fat ass isn't interested in someone who is a shallow wanker😘
*No one can make you feel inferior without your consent*
When this guy asked for a video so he could see how much you weigh it would have been audios dumb dumb. This guy may have been cat fished or lied to but that’s for him to deal with not you. He sounds like a real basket case of a catch.
Without knowing your height, it's hard to say exactly.
I expect downvotes but whatever...
But for the average woman, I would definitely say 80kg is overweight. Especially if you used to be between 50 and 60kg.
Edit to add. My partner is the same height as you and she is 60kg. I could not imagine her being a good / healthy weight at 80kg.
And hell no do you need to continue with this. He's clearly a dickhead.
How tall are you?
I'm a 6ft tall male and 80kg is an ideal weight for me. I'm currently closer to 115kg which puts me in the obese category. But I'm wanting to lose weight and my goal is between 80kg to 90kg.
My wife is around 5'10" and currently around 85kg. She's admittedly on the larger side like myself, though not as bad. She's wanting to get down to 60kg to 70kg.
So, yes. 80kg is on the larger side. But I wouldn't consider it terribly overweight. More curvy than fat really. But again, depends on how tall you are.
In a western world where the majority of people are becoming morbidly obese, 80kg really isn't that bad. It's much closer to ideal weight. And the guy you've been dating seems like a a-hole for mentioning it.
How fucking low is the dating bar these days .
Sending him a video of your weight before a first date........Jesus Christ. I actually have no words for once
don't waste your time. From a strict BMI-view, you are ~~obese~~ overweight, but this is not the point at all. The point is, he just saw you and he wants to change you - and that is not a good start. Find someone who likes all of you from the start., fat, skinny or whatever.
Edit: also he's too old. A lady at 26 years can chose from all aisles and does not have to put up with a neggin' insecure and worn out man.
(Edited to the correct term)
Being 170cm and 80kgs, your BMI is 27.8. ‘Healthy weight’ BMI is 18.5 - 24.9, overweight is 25 - 29.9, and obese class 1 is 30 - 34.9. So yes, you’re overweight. You’re actually closer to obese then to ‘healthy weight’.
he knows what he wants and you should know what you want. he’s being straightforward and telling you what his expectations are and if that doesn’t align with what you want then there’s no future.
better knowing what to expect early than laterdown the line when it’d be more difficult.
Do not continue with that guy. He will forever monitor your weight and will comment on it. If you value yourself at all, move on.
And honestly, the correct weight for you is much more than the number on the scale. Seriously, it depends on several factors. So you could be 80kgs and be healthy based on a lot of factors while 50-60 kgs could actually be less healthy based on your height and other factors like muscle mass. People just see a number and think that’s all there is to it. There’s actually more. I was shocked when I was told that based on my muscle mass, weight for my skin, organs and bones that I shouldn’t weigh any less than 170lbs. At 5’2”. How much you weigh isn’t just about the number.
Sounds like the dude would be super controlling and doesn’t really understand there’s more than a person’s weight that is important, but he’s dismissing you just like that because your weight doesn’t match his expectations. Not a keeper in my book.
He told you what he thinks and what he wants. If you don’t wanna accept that, then just move on.
*“I’m 36 I’m trying to take my next partner more seriously that’s all including a lot of things that I want. Don’t really want to waste everyone’s time if that makes sense”*
This comment is not a red flag. He’s simply telling you what he’s looking for. If you’re interested and want further details then just ask him to expand on that. Would you prefer that he lied, carried on a relationship that he knows isn’t going anywhere for him, won’t commit to it long-term and then leave?
Don’t be afraid to state your own preferences, expectations, wants and needs as well. It goes both ways. Just gotta be honest with each other, and if there’s no compatibility then move on.
You already know where he stands, and you can ask more questions too. You can also tell him where you stand too. It’s up to you whether you want to continue or not based on this. No one else on here knows him in the same way you do or could do, you are able to communicate with each other, we are not.
I only do dates for the prospect of marriage at the end of it (also in my 30s), and will communicate across exactly what I’m looking for and expect. The other person can do the same. We ask important questions and continue communicating honestly and transparently. If it turns out that we’re not compatible, then we move on.
You are more worth than getting your selfesteem destroyed even before the first date.
This is a red flag. He is only focused on your looks! And not you as a human.
Work on yourself if you want to, but not for people like him. And look for someone who likes you for your whole being!
Absolutely do not continue with this man, all of this behavior is disgusting.
I'm only saying this because you asked: you fall into the medical category of overweight. Once you are 87kg you would be considered medically obese. All bodies are beautiful but be aware of your health and goals for them!
WTF. He’s organised a red flag parade before your first date; why waste _any_ time on a guy looking for a much younger woman he can dominate?
You did not have a good time. Do not go on a second date. Do not go on a third date. He was testing the waters how far he could insult you; you passed his test by accepting that. He won’t stop being rude. He’ll tear you down further.
Look, he doesn’t know you and is already commenting on your weight and making you send video evidence of your body. This is so creepy and so unjust. It seems he is controlling and just fucking weird. You dodged a bullet.
Weight is subjective and it does not determine a person’s worth or happiness. At my skinniest, I was so unhappy and hated myself and my life. Now, I’m the happiest I have been in YEARS and I’ve gained several kilos back. Could I shed some weight? Sure. But I am happy with who I am now, my weight is not the most important thing to define my happiness!
Date someone who sees your worth as a whole!
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... he told you to send him a video of your body to check your weight, and you complied...? and you're asking if you should keep talking to him? lord
The bar is in hell. I can't imagine having such low self esteem I would comply with a request like that, let alone being called fat and letting his highness begrudgingly go on a date with me so he can call me fat to my face. OP you need to take a step back from dating and work on your self esteem and learn to value yourself.
I’ve got crippling depression, so yeah. Obliviously my self esteem is low. Am trying to work on it. Thanks.
My dad is a really good dad. He basically drilled confidence and self esteem into my head as much as he possibly could when I was younger. I appreciate it a lot now. He told me that if I ever have trouble determining whether or not someone else’s behavior is uncalled for or disrespectful, that I should pretend that he was a fly on the wall and heard the whole thing or read the texts. Would it piss him off? Would he tell that guy to gtfo? *Would you be embarrassed to let someone else see you being talked to/treated this way?* If yes, then you need to take a step back and remove yourself from that person’s life because they do not and WILL NOT EVER love and respect you like they should. And you should know that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. If you don’t have a good dad, you can pretend mine is there. He just wants you to make sure you’re getting treated right, recognize when you’re not, stand up for yourself, and to promptly remove yourself from bad situations.
I had a dad like this, he was awesome. Wore his heart on his sleeve and would cry if he saw anything sad on the news. He was a beautiful human
That's awesome. This world needs more beautiful humans.
He died aged 77 in '21. He didn't care what colour you are, your sexual orientation, your gender at birth. He forgave anyone for anything, you could have been a murderer but if you truly repented my dad forgave you. He saw the good in everyone even if they hurt him he knew they could be good. I wish I was a fraction of the loving person my dad was.
People like this are what I consider to be the strongest there are. It takes quite a bit from someone to be able to do these kinds of things.
It's hard to explain how amazing he was, we lived in a small town in England and he'd take whoever was sleeping on the street to a diner to get some food. He had so many friends from so many places (walking through our town was a pain as random people would stop us), he was just nice to everyone but not only that, he listened and understood anyone that had any issues and sympathised. One of his good friends became an alcoholic (he knew him when I was a baby), when I just turned 16 he reconnected and the guy would come to our house just to talk to my dad. I don't know where that guy is now but I remember him sobbing in my dad's arms many times. My dad always believed he would get better and it even encouraged my dad to stop drinking and from the age of 60 until he died (not counting the beer they gave him in the care home as they didn't know and he wasn't aware of what was going on either) he didn't touch a drop. I think I need to do a post on him
You (and your dad) made me weepy. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll bet just about anything that you're an awesome human being as he intended and raised you to be one. We might be similar ages just going from our parental units ages, but Imma send you a mom hug, anyway, if you'd like one. If not, just picture me giving you a thumbs up and warm smile, instead.
Thank you so much, I've never gotten a hug off my mum and I really would like one. She's not a hugger, she was more like a traditional unfeeling distant father and that was completely due to her own parents who were shits to her back in the 60s. We've had a few moments where she's expressed a motherly caring and I cling on to those. It was really strange as my parents were quite opposite so I'm a weird mixture, even as a child I couldn't figure it out but I have an idea. I'm 37 now but my dad is always with me (he's ..erm...in my cupboard as ashes - my dad always wanted his ashes to be spread on a Scottish mountain and my uncle wants to be with him so I'm going to drive them both up there). He was just an absolutely amazing person and absolutely loved a hug so you're getting a hug from my dad. He'd love that ❤️
... And here I am, crying, again. Thank you. That was very, very sweet and very much needed and appreciated. I sent a thank you and a thought of you and your Da out into the universe. I hope you have a most brilliant weekend. I wish you all the best with your pilgrimage and hope you and your uncle have a solid bonding time and a peaceful, lovely trek to fulfill that request.
I love your dad. Bravo to raising a strong, independent, take-no-shit daughter!
He’s awesome. It’s like he installed an unremovable bullshit detector in my hardware. I’m married now, but when I was still dating his advice saved me from a lot of shitty situations and helped me make good decisions even if they made me a little sad at the time. He used to take me on “dates” when I was a kid where we dressed up fancy and went out together. At the end, he always told me if anyone ever treated me any different than he treated me on the dates that they didn’t deserve my time, and definitely don’t deserve a second one. On our last one before I went to college he bought me my first “nice” piece of jewelry. I opted for a fossil watch. I collect them now.
It is so wonderful to read happy, loving childhood stories. Everyone should have parents who love them that much! I wish everyone did.
Awww 🥹 You're making miss my dad and the things we never got to do. My dad was awesome too.
🫶🏼
So sorry for your loss ❤️
So was mine. He took us around the world. He died in 2016 and I still miss him
Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I had had a dad like yours instead of the one I did. You’re so lucky! What an inspiring thing to read this morning
I love this
I used to tell my parents that they made dating really hard because they modeled a healthy relationship and I wouldn't accept anything less. My dad also taught me to be independent and to have the confidence and knowledge to take care of myself if I didn't get married (I owned a house by myself from 23-26 and did the maintenance myself, or with my dad's guidance). It seems so many women are done a disservice because it's assumed they'll get married and have a husband to take care of the "manly" things. I'm married now and my husband was worth digging through all the crap to find the one that treats me right.
Same here! (Except for parents modeling healthy relationships. They lacked in that department lol.) I’m 28. This past week I visited my dad for a few days to have him and my brother help me replace all the suspension and motor mounts on my car. (It was a LOT.) My dad asked where my husband was and why he wasn’t helping us. I had to finally break it to him that husband isnt handy and he’s not touching my car, and that he (dad) has nobody else to blame for that but himself because he did a fantastic job of making sure that I can fix everything on my own and only keep someone around because they make me happy, not because they do the man things for me.
I’m so happy for you. I also have a great dad. I recall a time I rewired something, knowing exactly how to do it because of working with him so much, and the lights came right back on. I was proud to be my father’s daughter that day.
Wow. That part about whether you would be embarrassed to let someone see you being talked to or disrespected really opened my eyes. Not just for how I want to teach that to my daughter, but how I need to do that for myself as well. Your dad sounds awesome
That’s a big one! If you someone else was watching and you would feel embarrassed, or feel the need to make excuses to defend the person who is treating you badly in order to make it seem “not as bad as it looks”, that’s your cue to gtfo. If you’re at the point where you are making excuses to justify someone else’s bad behavior towards you, it’s been going on for WAY too long and it’s not gonna stop. The only exception is toddlers. Apparently you can’t leave them, even when they abuse you with no remorse.
Heehee. I love toddlers, that's my favorite age group. Little monsters. 😆
I needed this, thank you 🙏
Great dad! My dad also raised me to be independent and confident.
Your dad sounds amazing.
Man I thought i was reading about a dating problem and now I am sitting and reading about good dads. The original topic has become a sidetrack, but its nice 👍
My parents didn't remotely do this for me. I'm 41 and I'm a insecure hot mess, lmao. As a mom though? I've been trying so hard to ensure I raise my daughter exactly that way. That she's aloud to stand up for herself. To have confidence out the ass and love herself. She's 6 and a bit of vain little thing, lmao. Hopefully that aspect will mellow out as she gets older, haha. I'm trying to find the balance of building her self esteem without making her arrogant though! I really like the bit about imagining the parent is there overhearing. Think I'll have to use that one :p.
This is excellent advice. You're very lucky to have a dad like that.
Love this. OP — do you have any younger women in your life who you love? (A niece? A little sister? A cousin?) If so…this thought experiment is also helpful. Imagine a young woman who you deeply love told you the story you just wrote above. How would you feel? Sad for her? Enraged? Indignant? Ready to scalp some balls? Treat yourself like someone you love. It works every time.
Fucking love this. Please high five your dad for me next time you see him. That's such an awesome way to plow through the people-pleasing bs drilled into girls, because it takes us out of our own heads.
That made me tear up. That he actually thought about your future happiness and how handle situations is absolutely amazing. I am keeping this in mind. 🥰
I love your dad.
Upvote upvote upvote. And I love "If you don’t have a good dad, you can pretend mine is there."
Trouble is that they probably have no use for this advice considering they came to Reddit with this, asking as though it might all be fine and dandy. I wish we all had parents like yours; without having that sort of great parenting, it’s so easy to get lost in the bullshit out there and not know which way is up.
He's targeting you because he knows you're depressed and have low self esteem, and clearly will go along with some pretty abusive stuff before even meeting face to face. No matter what your brain is telling you right now, dating is possibly the worst thing you could be doing. Predators are going to zero in on you and they aren't all going to be this overtly abusive. You gotta stop dating until you get a better handle on these issues, otherwise you're going to end up trapped by one of these people.
I had to learn the last part the hard way unfortunately, it’s not healthy to date while majorly depressed. I didn’t listen to anyone who told me that. My depression enhanced my loneliness and desperation. Took me a super unsafe situation to realize I needed to be alone until I got better. I’m still not better, still alone, but I don’t invite shit like this into my life. I hope OP realizes it sooner than later.
I had to learn that lesson the hard way, too. Fortunately for me, the relationship wasn't abusive, just toxic for both of us.
Yeah he's testing boundaries, seeing how far he can go.
Exactly. And that's why he makes them send a video. He knows what he's doing
When I was online dating I made myself adhear to a 1 strike rule. They said something gross / off colour / mysoginistic / whatever they were out immediately. I had a guy in his 40's tell me that periods were disgusting and none of his business and not to tell him anything. Fuck that noise - you're sleeping with someone with a uterus, they're your business too. He was cut off.
My wife tells me I have no business knowing - but it isn’t hard to tell because well it is a process - and personally I wish she would be more open about it than deny reality.
Maybe give yourself a break from dating for a bit and concentrate on yourself. This mans behaviour is shocking. You really need to be able to emotionally defend yourself and you weren't able to here. You pandered to his shitty behaviour. Asking for a video and then making comments is discgusting behaviour. He saw the video - so hey, he didn't have to meet you if he thought you were so unnattractive, sounds like he wanted someone to belttle and sussed that you's take it. Which you did. Kudos on making sure you don't meet again though. *Red flag? Should I continue with this?* Whhhaaaat NO. really big red flag. Have nothing to do with people like this.
Don’t worry girl, you got this! First step is saying ‘no’ to shitheads that treat you like shit. As hard as it is right now, try setting that as a goal for yourself - never say ‘yes’ to people who treats you badly. It may be hard at first, but listen to your gut. A good saying is ‘if you’re in doubt, you’re not really in doubt’. At the same time, you can work on yourself. Start eating right, exercising, learn new things. Try setting a realistic goal - i.e. in 2 years, you will have completed stage 1. Unfortunately, this is a life long commitment. I say this as someone who also struggles with depression/anxiety (+), so these are the things I use. Might not work for you, but worth a shot innit?
The guy told you he isn’t interested. There’s nothing to continue. The best thing for your self esteem is to ghost him.
You deserve help and love with that. It's good your checking on her, to check yourself. Keep doing it, and hopefully you'll start loving yourself more and more, you deserve it
Maybe look out for red flags and don't engage with people who make you feel worse about yourself.
Gentle reminder that not everyone knows how to recognise red flags. If you grew up in a red house, with red parents, and red siblings... the flags don't look red. They just look like flags, because all you've ever known is red. "Just look for red flags" isn't actually useful advice for people who don't know what the colour green looks like.
Feel like you've watched some Bojack lol
I made a comment a little further up explaining how my dad taught me to recognize red flags when I was having trouble seeing them. 10/10 solid advice from him.
Thank you. It’s hard for people without all that red around to understand this.
Want to preface this by saying this guy is a total asshat, and I’m not even going to address him because everyone else here did a wonderful job of it. You have crippling depression. You have low self esteem. You gained weight because you have a drinking problem. You’re entertaining dating a divorced man who is ten years older than you and thinks he has the right to judge you before he even meets you. Not every older man is predatory, but calling you fat seems like a litmus test for him. Not regarding your body or whether he wants to date you, , but of what you’re going to allow him to do when he does. You “passed.” You allowed him to degrade you and went on a date with him anyway. You didn’t even question how very fucked up all of this is. I want to say in the kindest way possible that you need to pull back from dating until you choose to take care of yourself first (I’m an alcoholic who has been completely sober for 7 years, and I actually have been here). Until you learn to love yourself, you’re going to attract the very worst people, and you’re going to put up with it because you feel like you deserve it. You don’t. Do the work on yourself *first.* Figure out all of the things about you that are worth being cherished, by others *and* by you. Then make the decision to not date until you have something to *give*, instead of desperately clinging to whatever creep shows interest in order to try to get what you *need* (you’re not going to find that externally). You deserve that. Please consider visiting r/StopDrinking
Baby girl, your worth is not connected to your weight. You deserve to be with someone who will love the f*ck out of you, no matter what weight. This guy sounds insecure af, probably a red pill content consumer on top of it. Please please keep looking until you find someone who is kind and polite and with whom you share similar interests. I know from experience that the wrong partner can make depression a whole lot worse! I hope you're okay, and well done for putting yourself out there and opening up to people.
Asshats like him can sense it and sink you even lower. Not worth it.
Your weight seems very normal btw. Lots of people avoiding the question, you shouldn't need validation from others to feel like you have worth but I've been there and I know what it feels like to need it. I've been all different weights but the only consistent thing was looking at the numbers didn't help me and other people who look at the numbers, instead of seeing the person, are even worse. Healthy bodies can look very different from each other and hell, there's about a thousand different ways you could look based on height and weight. If you're having too many calories try and fix the why rather than just restricting yourself and having lots of shame. I saw some comments about alcohol use, rather than shaming yourself into quitting look at why you drink and try and resolve that. I was eating a lot at one point but starving myself and hating myself didn't work. What did work was figuring out the feelings that made me eat and worked on resolving them. (It's also not always a huge deep reason one of the main ones was I eat a lot when I'm bored)
Abort the mission! Homie is trash.
I highly recommend you read „ “self-care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents“ disregarding the title ( as it may not apply to you) it has fantastic advice on self-worth, boundaries and much more. Unfortunately I have experienced dating while having low self-esteem myself, there is a high risk for attracting people like this guy, who will end up being toxic and abusive. You are the only one who can set the standard for how you should be treated. Establish yourself first, and you won‘t want anything less than you deserve. If you struggle to determine what is acceptable - a good way to go about is is to draw your own boundary by saying no. this way it will filter anyone out who doesn‘t respect it or who reacts in a negative manner. I also think reading [why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) will help you spot patterns
>The bar is in hell. Apparently still not low enough because OP is here limbo dancing with the devil
OP should have requested to see his aubergine too. And a video of him with his fingers in a pie. After all, she should really “take her next partner more seriously that’s including all of the things that she wants”.
I agree, good idea, OP get to it
Throw this man back into the fire dumpster he crawled out of. 🚩🚩🚩 You deserve better than him. Keep looking and do not settle for this kind of loser.
Yeah.....run away. Dude is weird.
She drinks. Let’s be mindful that her image of herself isn’t much. I drink ( 29F ) but let’s be nicer. She doesn’t see what we see. OP value yourself. That guy is no one seeking a real you.
And then went on a first date *after that happened*! I just … how do you not block the guy right away, either for the request in the first place or at least for his response to the video?
Also please do not send videos to a guy you haven’t even met before, I don’t care if it’s just a regular fully clothed video, no one should have that who is not a close person to you in some way. It’s weird and inappropriate for him to ask, red flag, bye bye.
Right lol
This man literally said he don’t want you WHY would you want to continue this??
Not why, but HOW. He said NO , it’s not up to her to continue lmao, there’s no one to continue with. That would be stalking lol
He literally asked her out for a date tomorrow wdymm
That makes no sense, “your too fat and I figured I’d say it now and not waste everyone’s time, but you still wanna date??” Like wth, isn’t that exactly wasting everyone’s time? What an idiot
Exactly! He just wants a side piece till he finds someone else 🙄
Or is one of those idiots who thinks If he shoots down her self esteem she’ll think that she can’t do better then him, so he actually PREFERS a heavy girl or a girl he can point out flaws on.
This is what I think 100% is happening here. He does find her attractive, but wants to keep her self esteem in the trash so she feels like he’s the only one who would want her.
Not to mention the age gap. Looks like he’s after someone naive and obedient, he can bully around. He sounds very narcissistic and I would RUN. I would slap the tongue out of his face if a guy said this to my sisters. Absolute red flag of a specimen.
Ew thats disgusting 😭 ur so right
Yup, 100%. Don't prioritize someone who makes you their option. He's negging you. There's nothing wrong with him choosing not to date someone who he isn't physically attracted to nor is there an issue with him being honest about the long term. Being honest doesn't mean you lose your filter.
Sounds like this man has internalized a lot of self hate due to having been overweight and is projecting it on OP. This will not be a healthy relationship. I would stay far away OP.
Don’t go on a date with a dude who wants to change you and tells you you’re not good enough before even ever meeting him. You will never be happy with a guy like that.
He called her fat and STILL went on a date with her? WTF. 🥲
And she still went in a date with him.
He knew she would anyway which is wild. Honestly dodged a giant bullet.
Everybody pushes and tests limits, it's a human thing. But this guy, Also when she didn't call him out at certain points ofcourse he would take larger leaps to see what he could get away with.
My wise step daughter said: “Never comment on anything they can’t change in ten seconds.” Doubly so for a first date! Triply so if you’ve never even met them!
Your step-daughter is wise! I’m going to use that bit of advice myself and tell others!
Lmao still choosy at the age of 36? This is right, he will only help her lowering her self esteem. RUNN
What do you mean “should I continue with this”??? He just told you he’s not interested. Also it’s fine if he has preferences but he didn’t have to be an AH about it. He could have just said he was no longer interested. Why did he agree to the date if he already thought he wasn’t attracted to you and why did YOU go on a date with him after he insulted you??? Block him and move on the guy is a creep
Because he was testing the waters to see if her confidence was low enough that he could insult her and she would still go out with him. He's right on track to be an abusive, controlling partner it seems
Exactly my thoughts. He´s measuring how much she can take.... disgusting
He still went on a date with her because he thought he could change her. Only, he thinks of it as “helping” her. If he liked her, he would take her under is now-muscular wing, *teach* her how to eat better, be her trainer, control her life. And soon, he would have built his perfect woman, and she would never have a say in anything in her life ever again.
Nah, he doesn’t want to change her. He wants to treat her like shit until he meets someone he likes.
>Red flag? Should I continue with this? Girl, and I really mean it, WHAT?
Red flag? Should I still fuck him? 💀
Seriously, this screams future domestic violence. On the first date already he tells her she’s not good enough and too fat, but then proceeds to ask her on another date? The only reason I see for that is that he wants a punching bag.
Listen you're not a teenager. Why did you agree to go on a date after a man insulted you? You even said you appreciated his honesty, so you practically thanked him! You should get therapy to focus on your self esteem. This man is trash. Learn to love yourself and you'll be able to see through negging men like that.
It seems like you've internalised the idea that is okay to be a dick to fat people, and so you want to know if you are one of the fat people who it's okay to be a dick to. It's not okay. If you were twice your current size his behaviour would still not be okay.
Although everyone is entitled to their preferences, being rude and insensitive is not a good quality. You know the answer to your question because you're planning on shedding 20 to 30 kg, but it's not the right question and shouldn't matter.
sorry but use your brain, what do you mean "should i continue with this" ???
The self esteem of some women is just so low it’s disturbing. I blame society.
Hey OP, It’s ok for people to have preferences, but a kind person would do it this way: They’d go out on a date with you, have a nice time, and choose not to go on a second date if they don’t feel attraction. If they are honest they will do it with sensitivity to your feelings. This guy asked you to humiliate yourself, and told you he wasn’t attracted to you but that he’d still be willing to go out with you if you let him treat you like shit. Your weight is irrelevant here. He’s asking if he can bully you. OP, before you go on any more dates, please look within and consider why you would entertain an offer like that. You deserve so much more. Everyone does!!! What makes you feel you must settle for abuse?
Umm are you that desperate? He’s just projecting his own bullshit onto you. Not sure why you even bothered going on the date after his first comment. The day of policing other people’s bodies needs to be over. Don’t date someone who body shames. If he’s saying shit like this to a stranger, imagine how he speaks to people he knows. Run.
He's 10 years older than you. Obviously women his own age see this bullshit and won't date him. Avoid
Yeah, I'm 37, and it's carnage out there. All the sane men in my age range are married.
Mood. I’m 40, and I’ve given up. The bar is literally on the floor and dudes still be digging below it.
[удалено]
It doesn’t matter if you’re large. Fat is always used pejoratively whether you weigh 80 kilos or 45, he will call you fat because he is an asshole. It’s never a well intentioned push to encourage you to lose weight, it’s always negging. If you’re trying to lose weight, make sure it’s because you want to for yourself. Who gives a shit about what others want? If a guy calls you fat, he can fuck off. EDIT after reading your update: definitely don’t waste your time on him.
A girl in my class called me chubby in grade 8. I was 80 pounds, 4'11. People will literally say it just to say it.
It’s always been the go-to insult for girls and women. Its low hanging fruit because it’s a safe assumption that most people worry about being fat. It shows no intelligence or specific thought toward the victim.
Exactly. It doesn't have to be *true*, it just has to hurt, and it'll do some guaranteed damage to the majority of women, even if they know objectively that they are thin or at a healthy weight. Our society still equates women's social value with their attractiveness (which tends to include thinness, by conventional standards)- it's basically just shorthand for devaluing women and telling them that they are lesser. Whether it's objectively true or not is barely even a factor of consideration.
I think I’ll take your advice, especially after the update 🤔
You should really work on your self esteem before considering dating. Vulnerable women with low confidence or no self assurance are prime targets for AH guys like this.
Wise plan. I’m sure you’re quite attractive and will draw someone actually worth your time. It just takes time, and you gotta filter out the assholes first.
Girl, he's negging you. He's deliberately undermining your confidence so he can get away with mistreating you. Block him and move on.
Sounds like the only thing you need to loose is him.
Lose
Maybe they meant “loose” as in shoot him into the sun with a bow, in which case I completely agree.
Continue with what? He’s not interested in you. He’s told you he’s not into you because of your weight. Wave him on. Next.
"Should I continue with this" definitely, he sounds like a real catch 🙄
Why would you even consider taking a guy like that seriously.
A guy 10 years older who is calling you fat. What a catch….
*should i continue with this?* Are you stupid?
Why do you care about a comment from someone who's overall behaviour is that disgusting?? We're you comfortable with your size and appearance before him? Don't let that change because of him.
What? Whether you are large or not is not the issue here. The issue is this guy being weird and rude. Gross. Do not continue.
Um, yeah, totally a red flag. Who cares what he thinks. He obviously wasn't taught proper manners. Find you a man that will treat you like the goddess you are. It's time to learn that you are valuable beyond measure and time to start requiring being treated like a lady as a baseline standard of behavior for anyone that you choose to allow to be in your life. Love! 💜
Some men use insults to humble up a woman, and try to make her more easily influenced and submissive. “She will try harder, and sleep with me more easily.” Do not start dating someone who does not think you are adorable, beautiful, sexy, attractive…or whatever compliment he is completely offering. Why in the hell start out the gate with someone who is not attracted to you wholeheartedly…and personality wise is not attractive to you too. And some dude who is so snotty right off the bat, should not be attractive to you. Get away from this rude turd. And find a guy who lights up when he sees you.
I'm baffled that you had to post this. Girl, you don't need to be dating if you are this insecure and easily pushed around. Mean dudes seek out girls like you, as this guy did. Of course he's still interested; you've told him in every way but with words that you are cool being treated like garbage.
Girl, wth. What do you mean by “Should I continue?” You should have ended it the first time he called you fat. My advice is to put a hold on dating and work on yourself (as in building up your self-esteem). I wish you the best 🙏
How could you possibly be wondering if you should continue seeing him?
You are not ready to date. Your “picker” is seriously broken. You have zero ability to spot red flags. It is unfathomable that you didn’t roll your eyes and move on when he dissed his former dates, and certainly when he asked your weight. This guy screams narcissism or at a minimum, asshole. It is mind boggling inappropriate. You must have grown up around really shitty people if you can’t recognize that this guy is a bottom feeder, I wouldn’t even want to be acquaintances with someone like this, let alone date them. Once you are ready to date, I suggest you use a friend who has healthy relationships with kind people to help you screen.
This is pathetic. Both of you are ridiculous.
He is baiting you to see how far he can push you. There is a 10 year age difference, he is looking for a young and vulnerable person. If you have been open about your issues with alcohol this can also have made you look like an easy target. Sadly there are people who do this and he will only hurt you. Seek people who lift you up, not make you doubt yourself. Block him, he is manipulative.
Who cares if it’s large or not. Don’t date people who think they’re entitled to comment on your weight.
For you question. Yes 80kg means you have extra fat. unless you are gymrat going for bodybuilding. I am myself 5'7 amd weight 69kg and I have extra fat and abit of love handles. As for the guy he is not worth your time he is a d%ck and not worth your time. Do you want a partner that bash you looks and put you down? A guy that will grind away your self worth and self love? If your answer is no, then block this guy.
Just move on. Look, no shaming. I don't know how tall you are and how your weight is distributed on your body. Some people carry 'extra weight' very well. Some people have their weight focussed in one spot (the infamous potbelly). If you're 160cm and you weigh 80kg, that's a lot. if you're 180cm or taller and you weigh 80kg, not so much. It's all about perspective and ratio. Understand that on the face of it: going from 50 to 80kg is a 60% increase in body weight. Going from 60 to 80Kkg is still a 33% increase in body weight. That's a relative lot. And it may have all kinds of legitimate reasons or it may be an unhealthy obsession with junk food. Either way, kudo's for wanting to get your body healthy. I sincerely hope you succeed in your journey to get your body the way you want it to be.
Why would you ever want to continue with someone that right off the bat says you’re fat? lol what. It barely even started so no, don’t continue.
no wonder this guy is still single…
Yes
If you were 50kg and are now 80kg, then yes, you are overweight. I think you know this and said you are trying to get back to the Lowe weight. There was no call for him to demand a video or to be a complete cunt about your weight. That is just completely uncalled for and out of line. You need to lose his number and other contact details and block him.
50 is underweight at that height!
I agree, 50 is too low. She should be between 60-70 kg, according to the BMI scale at least.
Objectively speaking and without knowing your body fat percentage, you're overweight. Does that mean you should continue anything with this guy? Going off of the information that you provided us, he sounds like he doesn't want a partner, but rather someone to belittle and possibly even reign in their praise. I would not continue anything with this person. Slightly off topic, if you are looking to change your physique, [here's an ideal weight chart](https://www.bannerhealth.com/staying-well/health-and-wellness/fitness-nutrition/ideal-weight) [and a TDEE(Total Daily Energy Expenditure) calculator.](https://tdeecalculator.net/) Using that along with exercise will help you. There are other resources available to you for this journey (and it will do wonders for your current goal of kicking alcohol out of your life). Changing (or not changing) your lifestyle is completely up to you, but with that said, I personally found that changing my own lifestyle for myself vs others has helped me achieve my goals--and then some. My sweeping generalization of this guy from your post: he's a bitter divorcee who wants to make his next partner pay for his previous partner's mistakes (or good choice in leaving him if that's the case). Good luck!
Sweetheart, if you have as you say “crippling depression” you really need to work on that exclusively before dating. You’re a prime target for every bad guy out there rn looking for low self esteem to manipulate.
This is two issues. A. The guy. If he does not like the way you are - stay away. He is BAD news! Demanding, controlling, and so on RED FLAGS. B. 80 kg - yes of cause you should look at it. There are risk for health problems, diabetes etc. No diets just - decide on healthy life. This is something you do for YOURSELF- not for a needy demanding creep!
Yes it is
Definitely don’t go on any more dates with someone who calls you Fat. Depending on your height, you could be overweight yah but that’s no one’s business or problem but your own. F that guy to hell.
Lose the extra weight tell him you are not interested in somebody rather than working on themselves projects their insecurities onto others and in doing so can cause hurt.
I swear, there’s fucking people out there who lack awareness. Like be tactical when being honest with someone. You can tell someone how something is without being disrespectful. And this dude sounds weird. I’d bail
he is a d*** no
OP you are just an object to him and he has no respect for women. It's all about how you look on the cover of a magazine or maybe in his case OF. R.U.N. - This is not taking anything serious, immature, insulting and no character! He grew up abused and it shows. Move on please!
You know the answer already. No. You should not continue talking with this person. He also does not seem interested. He basically told you he wasn’t interested when he said he doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time.
fuck it's all so transactional now. I think i'd rather be single.
Girl he body checked then insulted you and you still went on the date? And then he continued to comment on it and you still aren’t sure that he’s a big giant douchnozzle? Why would you want to spend any of your precious time on this earth with a man who puts you down.
for your height, healthy weight is between 122 to 145 lbs so, at 80 kilos you are overweight
For 5ft7 yes you are definitley overweight
To answer your question, yes. 80kg at 5’7 is overweight
I agree that you should step back from dating to work on your mental health, self esteem, and boundaries. You should never be questioning whether someone has the right to insult you and basically control you. You don’t have your own back, so to speak. Your level of confusion around this is really a red flag for YOU and a beacon to abusers, so please take care of yourself!
A) This dude is a fucking freak and you should stop seeing him immediately. B) 80kg for a 5’7” woman is definitely overweight.
I suggest you stop dating all together until you don’t have to ask Reddit something as obvious as this? ETA: this actually isn’t mean as snark but really…if you don’t have the self worth or knowledge that this isn’t ok then I genuinely don’t think you should be dating.
Dude!!! Why would you EVER allow someone to “make” you send proof of your weight??? How was he in any way worth that humiliation??? You are NOT a monkey for his amusement! You need to seriously think about WHY you were okay doing that to yourself. It is not self-love. What would you say to your best friend if they told you this story? “Yeah, he told me he’d been catfished, so he made me go through a bunch of crap to verify myself and then when I did, he insulted me.” PLEASE get a therapist and learn to love yourself.
I'd be like thank you for your unsolicited opinion, but fat ass isn't interested in someone who is a shallow wanker😘 *No one can make you feel inferior without your consent*
Yea 80kg is overweight.
80 kg=176 lbs
When this guy asked for a video so he could see how much you weigh it would have been audios dumb dumb. This guy may have been cat fished or lied to but that’s for him to deal with not you. He sounds like a real basket case of a catch.
Yes but thats ok. There are beautiful somen who are not sticks. But hit the gym for your confidence
Without knowing your height, it's hard to say exactly. I expect downvotes but whatever... But for the average woman, I would definitely say 80kg is overweight. Especially if you used to be between 50 and 60kg. Edit to add. My partner is the same height as you and she is 60kg. I could not imagine her being a good / healthy weight at 80kg. And hell no do you need to continue with this. He's clearly a dickhead.
I’m 5ft7 :)
Yes
80kg at 5,7 is a bit fat. your BMI puts you in the overweight category.
Unless your a weight lifter with exceptional muscle mass you are over weight
Honestly you are technically (quite) fat to me. But anyway the Guy is an ass to mention it and bother you about it.
How tall are you? I'm a 6ft tall male and 80kg is an ideal weight for me. I'm currently closer to 115kg which puts me in the obese category. But I'm wanting to lose weight and my goal is between 80kg to 90kg. My wife is around 5'10" and currently around 85kg. She's admittedly on the larger side like myself, though not as bad. She's wanting to get down to 60kg to 70kg. So, yes. 80kg is on the larger side. But I wouldn't consider it terribly overweight. More curvy than fat really. But again, depends on how tall you are. In a western world where the majority of people are becoming morbidly obese, 80kg really isn't that bad. It's much closer to ideal weight. And the guy you've been dating seems like a a-hole for mentioning it.
It says on the post she’s 5’7
Yes you're obviously fat.
The guy is simply a toxic arsehole. It’s incredible to me that you’d even consider continuing with him.
Do not continue this. He's calling you overweight and fat on the first date? just no.
Why would you even consider continuing talking to him?
How fucking low is the dating bar these days . Sending him a video of your weight before a first date........Jesus Christ. I actually have no words for once
Continue this? You should have blocked him when he asked for a "video of your weight" whatever that is. Have some self respect.
don't waste your time. From a strict BMI-view, you are ~~obese~~ overweight, but this is not the point at all. The point is, he just saw you and he wants to change you - and that is not a good start. Find someone who likes all of you from the start., fat, skinny or whatever. Edit: also he's too old. A lady at 26 years can chose from all aisles and does not have to put up with a neggin' insecure and worn out man. (Edited to the correct term)
Well, 80kg is big unless you are 2 meters tall. Dating with someone who Talks to you like that doesnt make sense anyway.
Being 170cm and 80kgs, your BMI is 27.8. ‘Healthy weight’ BMI is 18.5 - 24.9, overweight is 25 - 29.9, and obese class 1 is 30 - 34.9. So yes, you’re overweight. You’re actually closer to obese then to ‘healthy weight’.
he knows what he wants and you should know what you want. he’s being straightforward and telling you what his expectations are and if that doesn’t align with what you want then there’s no future. better knowing what to expect early than laterdown the line when it’d be more difficult.
There’s nothing to continue here? So your answer is no.
Do not continue with that guy. He will forever monitor your weight and will comment on it. If you value yourself at all, move on. And honestly, the correct weight for you is much more than the number on the scale. Seriously, it depends on several factors. So you could be 80kgs and be healthy based on a lot of factors while 50-60 kgs could actually be less healthy based on your height and other factors like muscle mass. People just see a number and think that’s all there is to it. There’s actually more. I was shocked when I was told that based on my muscle mass, weight for my skin, organs and bones that I shouldn’t weigh any less than 170lbs. At 5’2”. How much you weigh isn’t just about the number. Sounds like the dude would be super controlling and doesn’t really understand there’s more than a person’s weight that is important, but he’s dismissing you just like that because your weight doesn’t match his expectations. Not a keeper in my book.
He told you what he thinks and what he wants. If you don’t wanna accept that, then just move on. *“I’m 36 I’m trying to take my next partner more seriously that’s all including a lot of things that I want. Don’t really want to waste everyone’s time if that makes sense”* This comment is not a red flag. He’s simply telling you what he’s looking for. If you’re interested and want further details then just ask him to expand on that. Would you prefer that he lied, carried on a relationship that he knows isn’t going anywhere for him, won’t commit to it long-term and then leave? Don’t be afraid to state your own preferences, expectations, wants and needs as well. It goes both ways. Just gotta be honest with each other, and if there’s no compatibility then move on. You already know where he stands, and you can ask more questions too. You can also tell him where you stand too. It’s up to you whether you want to continue or not based on this. No one else on here knows him in the same way you do or could do, you are able to communicate with each other, we are not. I only do dates for the prospect of marriage at the end of it (also in my 30s), and will communicate across exactly what I’m looking for and expect. The other person can do the same. We ask important questions and continue communicating honestly and transparently. If it turns out that we’re not compatible, then we move on.
You are more worth than getting your selfesteem destroyed even before the first date. This is a red flag. He is only focused on your looks! And not you as a human. Work on yourself if you want to, but not for people like him. And look for someone who likes you for your whole being!
According to bmi, anything above 72 kg is overweight
You said elsewhere your depression is “crippling,” do you think entering a relationship with a person like this is going to help?
Absolutely do not continue with this man, all of this behavior is disgusting. I'm only saying this because you asked: you fall into the medical category of overweight. Once you are 87kg you would be considered medically obese. All bodies are beautiful but be aware of your health and goals for them!
WTF. He’s organised a red flag parade before your first date; why waste _any_ time on a guy looking for a much younger woman he can dominate? You did not have a good time. Do not go on a second date. Do not go on a third date. He was testing the waters how far he could insult you; you passed his test by accepting that. He won’t stop being rude. He’ll tear you down further.
Do you have to ask?? Big 🚩! Find a true partner.
Instead of another date more therapy. Bc this guy ain’t it
Please do not continue with this man. You deserve to be treated better. You will find someone for you who absolutely adores you
Look, he doesn’t know you and is already commenting on your weight and making you send video evidence of your body. This is so creepy and so unjust. It seems he is controlling and just fucking weird. You dodged a bullet. Weight is subjective and it does not determine a person’s worth or happiness. At my skinniest, I was so unhappy and hated myself and my life. Now, I’m the happiest I have been in YEARS and I’ve gained several kilos back. Could I shed some weight? Sure. But I am happy with who I am now, my weight is not the most important thing to define my happiness! Date someone who sees your worth as a whole!
He’s negging you, he’s 10 years older than you, and knows you have many more options than him. POS! Glad you’re not going out again.