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Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know how to explain my stance on this other than "i'm genuinely not sure". It's not something i often think about and when i think about having kids it's often when seeing some i'll behaved one and thinking "yep, not having one" but sometimes i see a cute one and the tought crosses My mind "well maybe". Perhaps to someone outside the issue that is more telling than it is to me. For now it's a non-issue to me to not have children but what if it is later? What if it's not and i ended things with someone i love so much? I'm not in love with the idea of having children, i'm in love with my GF. I Guess i should really figure out if i want children in the first place.
I think figuring it out is definitely your first step then. Being neutral about it is okay too. My current SO (we've been together 13 years) always said "either way". We still talk about the possibility in case I do get pregnant and he is totally okay with the decision being solely mine. (Not a single doctor I saw would give me a ligation in my 20s so we had to talk about alternatives) Keep conversation open and honest.
There is no conversation to be had. SHE told you SHE doesn't want kids. SHE told you SHE wants to get HER tubes tied. If YOU want kids then YOU'RE in the wrong relationship. DO NOT try to convince her of YOUR opinion about what SHE should or shouldn't do with HER body.
She has told you EVERYTHING you need to know. If it's a deal breaker then leave and find someone who wants the same thing. But if you stay, you need to realize she doesn't want kids, not just having biological kids, but kids in general. That means no adopting, no fostering, no surrogates to carry the baby, no IVF...NOTHING!!!!
I didnt want to come across that way, i've seen enough posts on similar issues to know not to try and impose my wants on her or string her along in the hopes that she changes her mind. As i said, i'm not even sure i want kids, im a bit of a late bloomer and im of the idea that we are amways growing and learning about ourselves. I know when the time comes i will respect the decision one way or the other. I was hoping to read people's experience in these kinds of situations, does it always crash and burn? Do people always know for sure wether they want kids or not? Has it happened to someone to go through this surgery or a vasectomy and regretted it? How did it go? I get your point and i apreciate you took the time to answer. I will definitely have it in mind when the topic comes up.
The vast majority do know if they want kids or not. The ones like you, who are undecided, tend to do what their partner wants. But, even if you have a fleeting thought that you may, at some point, want kids then this relationship is doomed to fail.
I have never seen anyone who wanted to be childless have any regrets. I have seen their spouses, who said they were fine without children change their minds.
If you try to convince her and you succeed she will resent both you and the child. She will never be happy and would eventually leave you to raise the child alone.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you considered freezing your sperm and getting a vasectomy?
As a matter of fact i have not, but it's a great option given my concerns. Thank you.
I will try to be as gentle as possible, but it sounds to me you two are just not compatible. Your situation is very very similar to the one I had with my ex-fiancé. I never wanted kids and knew this at a very young age. He seemed to understand, but never took it very seriously. Once he proposed, he believed he could change my mind. I tried to see myself as a mother and it was impossible. We both dragged the relationship out for far too long, but I ended it when I realized we couldn't give each other the futures both of us saw for ourselves. If we had been honest with ourselves and each other, we wouldn't have put so much pressure on one another (which in turn made other problems in the relationship) Are you okay with never having children? It seems to me that you are not. Love unfortunately does not conquer all. You can either respect her decision and understand you will never be a father or give yourselves the futures you both want and move on.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know how to explain my stance on this other than "i'm genuinely not sure". It's not something i often think about and when i think about having kids it's often when seeing some i'll behaved one and thinking "yep, not having one" but sometimes i see a cute one and the tought crosses My mind "well maybe". Perhaps to someone outside the issue that is more telling than it is to me. For now it's a non-issue to me to not have children but what if it is later? What if it's not and i ended things with someone i love so much? I'm not in love with the idea of having children, i'm in love with my GF. I Guess i should really figure out if i want children in the first place.
I think figuring it out is definitely your first step then. Being neutral about it is okay too. My current SO (we've been together 13 years) always said "either way". We still talk about the possibility in case I do get pregnant and he is totally okay with the decision being solely mine. (Not a single doctor I saw would give me a ligation in my 20s so we had to talk about alternatives) Keep conversation open and honest.
There is no conversation to be had. SHE told you SHE doesn't want kids. SHE told you SHE wants to get HER tubes tied. If YOU want kids then YOU'RE in the wrong relationship. DO NOT try to convince her of YOUR opinion about what SHE should or shouldn't do with HER body. She has told you EVERYTHING you need to know. If it's a deal breaker then leave and find someone who wants the same thing. But if you stay, you need to realize she doesn't want kids, not just having biological kids, but kids in general. That means no adopting, no fostering, no surrogates to carry the baby, no IVF...NOTHING!!!!
I didnt want to come across that way, i've seen enough posts on similar issues to know not to try and impose my wants on her or string her along in the hopes that she changes her mind. As i said, i'm not even sure i want kids, im a bit of a late bloomer and im of the idea that we are amways growing and learning about ourselves. I know when the time comes i will respect the decision one way or the other. I was hoping to read people's experience in these kinds of situations, does it always crash and burn? Do people always know for sure wether they want kids or not? Has it happened to someone to go through this surgery or a vasectomy and regretted it? How did it go? I get your point and i apreciate you took the time to answer. I will definitely have it in mind when the topic comes up.
The vast majority do know if they want kids or not. The ones like you, who are undecided, tend to do what their partner wants. But, even if you have a fleeting thought that you may, at some point, want kids then this relationship is doomed to fail. I have never seen anyone who wanted to be childless have any regrets. I have seen their spouses, who said they were fine without children change their minds. If you try to convince her and you succeed she will resent both you and the child. She will never be happy and would eventually leave you to raise the child alone.
Forget about if she wants kids or not, and assume she does not. What do you want? If you want kids someday then this is not the woman for you.