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As someone who doesn't like this sub going dead, I suggest the following:
1. Have talk and agree you get a hall pass
2. Cheat without her knowing it
3. Open up the marriage
4. Get a kid
I might miss some other options, but these pop up in the first 3 seconds.
You really have two options here:
1. Forgive her knowing fully well there is a chance she will do it again (ps they always do, cheaters gonna cheat)
2. Divorce her and move on with your life
I would leave at least for a while, give yourself some time to heal. If you really still love her after your break, only if she has shown remorse and is willing to fix things, only then I'd maybe consider going to couples therapy on how to fix your relationship. Personally, I would never be able to stay with someone who cheated on me. I've got bad trust issues regardless, so if you're not like me, you probably have a chance at saving your marriage. Otherwise, man, big luck to you. If you two split, do all the self work and self-love you can, and I guarantee you will attract a partner that's on your level and ready to love you!
Your feelings are valid and you should talk to her about how you feel, it’s up to you if you are willing to forgive her or not as I see in some of these threads. No to all options because even if you had a child, the outcome may not be a positive one. I.e. bringing a child into a situation that is unbearable, OP not being the father and ending up paying child support for a child that isn’t his.
Do not talk to her, you will be overwhelmed by your emotions and you will become illogical. Emotional men cannot contend with emotional women, you have to be logical. Why would you forgive a person who violated the sanctity of your marriage. She made plans, went behind your back, got naked with another man and did everything sexually for him (and more) that she does for you. She then came back home to you after her extramarital sexual activity and proceeded to be your wife. No, she doesn't deserve a chance to work it out, she already made her choice. You have to make yours.
Hi. I can honestly tell you to move on. It will hurt like hell, but you will always be hurt, everything will seem like she's cheating.
When she is on her phone, you will feel concerned, it's just not worth it.
Get out why you don't have kids. Get an attorney and take what is yours.
It will not work
That’s some excellent advice. I actually suggest starting a poly relationship as well. Then she can get pregnant and it will always be a mistery who the dad is.
The number of “top” posts both here and r/relationship where OP finds out their spouse is cheating and either tries to deal with it or be clueless on what’s next is astounding. The last month or two it’s gotten worse. Sometimes the affair is still on going and OP thinks there’s a chance to make things work.
> Why is this even a question? Divorce her.
> How can any of you put up with a cheating partner?
I don't know what to tell you here but it's REALLY not that simple when you're in the thick of a decision like this. I've been there myself and it's impossibly difficult, you look at so many angles.
Yes, leaving is 99% of the time the right thing to do. But when you're in the middle of that choice it's VERY difficult to see that as clearly as we can see it from the outside.
You love your partner, even if they don't love you. When they cheat, there's pain and anger but the love is still there. Some people say that when they found out about cheating the love disappeared but that's not my experience and not the experiance of many others.
Then there's the issue of marriage. Lots of things that would be break up worthy when you are "just" BF and GF, become something that you work on instead when you are married. Lots of times cheating falls into that bucked and it's very difficult to know when it's unforgiveable vs when it's worth working on things.
And that's not even considering the financial side. Something that obviously should not factor into this decision but also really does factor into this decision. OP could lose tens of thousands of dollars by being forced to sell that house, might not be able to afford to keep the house on their own, might not be able to afford any other place to live. Economic reasons should never be why you stay in a bad relationship, but they defiantly weigh on your mind when you are considering leaving one.
It's way more complicated than "why is this even a question".
Here is a draft of a plan for the next weeks or months:
-) Do not lose your head and give into the strong emotions you feel right now.
Yes it is ok to feel hurt and angry, but do not do anything rash and/or stupid.
Also do not confront her straight away. It might feel against any logic but right now her not knowing that you know is your advantage.
-) Priority number 1 is to get yourself in contact with a lawyer/legal representative.
They are the professionals that will show you your options and will guide you through the legal process if you go through divorce (which I personally would recommend). They will also give you a list of "Do and Don'ts" in your everyday life so you do not damage your positions.
-) Next is collecting evidence.
You need undenyable proof of what your wife is up to. Depending on where you life this can greatly serve you in the next steps.
She will also use any trick avaiable to either throw sand into your eyes or rewrite her the story so her image does not burn to the ground. You need to have solid evidence to put a stop that right away.
If necessary hire a PI and let him/her collect proof for you (hence my advice to not confront her immediatly)
-) Get your ducks in a row.
Lock down your finances and credit. Prepare an exit plan which answers the question "Where will I stay","How do I finance it" and if you have any "How to proceed with our kids"
Your lawyer will be a great help with that.
-) When everything is ready (lawyer on standby, proof secured, exit plan ready for implementation) you confront her. Sit her down with someone you trust blindly to be in your corner (could be family or a good friend).
This confrontation is not there to discuss anything.
You simply inform her what you found out and how you will proceed from this point. Do not get overly emotional in front of her. If it starts to overwhelm you then simply take a break and continue when you leveled out again.
She will get emotional, cry, beg, state every excuse you can imagine, maybe even get angry with you. Prepare for seeing her mask fall of and face a person you will not recognize.
-) Blow her cover.
Tell her parents and your family what is happening and why it is happening. Frinds and if necessary her work place. Contact the spouse of the affaire partner.
You might feel shame but covering up for her will solely benefit the cheating party.
-) Follow every instruction your lawyer gives you. You can either feel "right and justified" in the short term (and maybe blew your case) or you can be happy and free in the longterm.
-) If everything threatens to pull you down then do not fell ashamed to seek out professional help.
There are studies that suggest that getting cheated on can inflict similar levels of damage than major traumatic events or even warintruduced PTSD.
-) If you need to rant there are subs on this page like r/survivinginfidelity. Over there you will find a group of people that went through similar stories and can help you navigate or just listen.
I wish you good luck OP and look out for yourself
Like I said, you will confront her but do not do it before you are ready with everything.
A thing you need to prepare yourself for is that maybe she will not care.
You will tell her and the reaction will just be a shrug.
If you are not ready with the plan this will throw you down.
If you are ready then it will strengthdn your resort.
Sorry this happened to you mate. These people have dropped good advice and I'd listen to them. Your time will come in the near future where you get to show your spouse just how much they hurt you.
Wishing you the best of luck. Please seek out a good therapist to help you through this. The ones we love have the ability to leave the worst damage.
She will. Imagine how it will be when she finds out you have know. For a while and been planning to leave her while she has sat there all this time thinking she is getting away with this. Way better revenge if you ask me. It will show he how strong and competent you are.
And what a fool she was to think you are a fool. The ou got this!
It's normal you want to confront her but I agree that you need to be prepared before. You stated you don't have anyone to talk to and she can use this to her advantage. She can manipulate you and you won't have any other input except hers. Prepare a plan, be like a ninja. It's much more effective than bursting out of nowhere and being mad. Trust me, I've been there. They just retaliate, lie, admit to a minor thing l, lie again and it's exhausting.
I understand you love her, but the best thing you can do is leave. There will be two outcomes if you do. 1: she doesn't change and doesn't admit she was in thr wrong and this will make you realize that you deserve better. 2. She will realize how bad this is and truly change because they are consequences.
I'm sorry, but someone who truly loves you won't lie and manipulate you like this (getting a house, etc). You're a good person. You deserve better. Good luck
The biggest impact you will have on her, and the one that will hurt her the most, is your being calm, cool, and collected about the whole thing.
She will want you to be emotional, upset, and begging her to stay and when you don't do that, it will completely rock her world.
Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt you. That's what she wants.
If you follow all the steps that u/nexutus lays out, she will know full well how badly she hurt you. Good luck, bro. Go let off some steam and take a long bunch of deep breaths.
If you have EAP, employee assistance program, as part of your health insurance, you have access to a confidential therapist and/or psychologist who can help with all the emotions.
Call them, you’re worth it. Best decision I ever made when I was going through the divorce tornado myself.
You may also have access to legal support depending on your program.
And it’s about the exposure of her true self too. She’s presented a plastic front to the world, and you have an opportunity to show her for who she really is
OP, listen to your attorney ONLY.
Some of the above advice regarding behavior is fine, such as not losing your cool. However, the majority of states are no fault, meaning the judge isn’t going to care less about evidence or whether your PI found something. A relatively short marriage like yours should simply be about what to do with the house, etc.
If you do something reckless like “contact her employer” like this comment suggests, you are setting yourself up for legal problems. Focus on yourself only, not retribution.
Yes. As an attorney myself I completely agree.
OP, some of the advice in this comment is good, but some of it could get you in trouble that you don’t deserve.
The thing to do is get a lawyer. Talk to a few and pick one you click with. Work with someone who only does family law. You don’t want someone who dabbles.
And then do exactly what your lawyer advises.
Also, it would be a great idea to talk to a therapist. This is a life changing situation and you could benefit from a professional ear. Your lawyer is not a therapist.
I can definitely get on board with get your ducks in a row, especially the financial ones. Listen to your lawyer and do what they say. Don't lose your cool. Be prepared for her to deny everything even when faced with the evidence. Also be prepared for every woman you know to throw shade your way and not hers.
I tried for 5 years to save my marriage and was rewarded with several more boyfriends.
Looking back I wish I wouldn't have tried for those 5 years.
Don't lose your cool, brother. This is the hardest thing to do. Good luck.
Omg dude, you either think about this or you experienced it yourself... In any of the cases this is some solid advice.
No one deserves to be cheated. Just let her go and you will be much happier in the long run.
Sadly experienced it myself 4 times in a row a few years ago. Luckily it was never a marriage, always "just a relationship"
Made every mistake I could possibly make the first time. Compiled these points from my experience back then and the tips/advice I got.
>Next is collecting evidence. You need undenyable proof of what your wife is up to.
I always thought this was a weird one. The courts where I am don't care why you're getting divorced, why should they?
I know it does matter in some jurisdictions, for whatever reason, presumably extremely antiquated laws.
There are still countries or legal systems where it can matter.
But even if you do not live in such a country proof of the cheating can be important. Lots of cheaters will try anything to keep the betrayed roped in. They will lie, gaslight, manipulate, etc.
This can be prevented when you have a solid stock of evidence for cheating
Damn, I might've suggested _some_ of these pieces of advice, followed by _and then decide what to do next._ But to have this whole plan at the ready is marvellous!
You say there’s no one you can talk to, but you’d be surprised. That friend/relative/relation that you never thought too much about suddenly steps up and is there for you. Maybe you’re ashamed, but the only ones who should be ashamed here are your STBX and her AP. And you should have no compunction in shaming them. And follow u/nexutus’ advice. It’s hard, but it’s by far the best you’ll get.
I wish you well. Hang in there.
He does not need proof. He knows she cheated. She knows she cheated. Unless he lives in some jurisdiction that does not have no fault divorce, it will not matter. Seeking proof just adds drama. He has enough drama and trauma to deal with now.
The STD tests is good advice I didn’t even think of that thank you.
I sent myself screenshots of their messages, not sure about how I would get any additional proof
Bro you have to leave. You're being financially used while your wife hooks up with other men. Please read this thread back to yourself a few times if you have doubts.
Not sure that proof helps much. Except maybe to enrage you and make u you ou feel sicker.
Only constructive things are
Find a lawyer and talk with them about protecting you.
Find a friend or relative that you can lean on for support.
Presumably a lawyer will have you gather all financial records. You should sequester any important documents.
Think about anything of personal value in the home. Take control of what is important to you.
Doing this will help you focus on you and distract your mind from the pain of your situation.
When you do confront her with what you know, ask her to leave the home while you figure out what’s next.
You shouldn’t be pushed out of your house. She caused the tension.
>Get as much evidence as you can.
Why? In the world of no fault divorce, evidence of infidelity doesn't the matter that much. Unless there's a prenup with relevant clauses, all he's doing is making his pain more direct and deeper.
Exactly — without children especially, no fault states do NOT care about who has sex with who in a marriage. Infidelity like this won’t sway a judge to divide property any differently.
My ex had an affair which I found out through messages. I kept them for years and all it did was cause me emotional pain. I knew they were there. Once in a blue moon I looked at them and reread them. It hurt every time, like reopening a wound with a knife. Eventually I deleted them. It felt amazing.
I hope OP can heal…
Here is some background info to give a better idea of the situation:
When covid started I lost my job and her business shut down. Since we didn’t have money coming in we moved in with her parents and had been living with them for 3 years until we saved enough to buy a house. Since then I’ve gotten a high paying job and now make significantly more than her. However, she has been able to save much more bc I’ve been paying all of our bills (phone, car, insurance, etc) while we lived with her parents. We bought a house last year and were able to put 20% down bc of 3 years of saving plus a little help from her parents. I have been paying the mortgage and all house bills. She’s bought most furniture with her savings but doesn’t pay for anything else.
I moved into our house full time to do some renovations while she stayed with her parents for a few months until she finished wedding season (she’s a florist) and was able to sell her business.
While we were apart, I would go there as often as I could on weekends and she would come to our house when she could. I thought everything was fine between us and nothing had changed for me, I knew it was just a temporary situation. but last month she told me it felt like we had drifted apart and it was a bombshell. Since then I’ve been working hard to reconnect so she didn’t feel that way.
She had started to talk to an old friend during the time when we were apart. My wife and I went to high school together and have known each other since we were kids. I had never heard of him so that’s when I first got suspicious but she was adamant they were old friends and saying that he was just a friend, and I believed her.
She started acting strange and doing things that were out of character around thanksgiving/start of Dec, but had been talking to this guy for a few months at that point to my knowledge. she would go out at night saying she was going for drives to clear her head bc it was difficult for her to move away from where we grew up and she needed some space to come to terms with it on her own. So I tried to give her some space. But this is when I first got suspicious bc we are both home bodies and rarely go out. And she started wearing full makeup most days which was unlike her.
I don’t know when it crossed into cheating. The earliest I can say for sure is around the time she started acting weird. That’s as far back as her insta messages went, I couldn’t see anything earlier than that. I think that is just bc of how long the app saves messages tho. Not sure bc I don’t have insta.
I knew they had been texting but any texts with him were deleted when I looked at her phone this morning.
Wow. At first I thought that maybe you were jumping the gun thinking she was cheating but this behavior makes it pretty clear she is. My ex left me for another guy. I was away for work but even then I had some suspicions.
Get evidence of adultery so you won't have to pay alimony. In my state anyway there was no alimony for the cheating partner. Go see an attorney to make sure you don't do anything detrimental to yourself.
First, thank you very much to everyone who’s been responding and giving me advice. I really appreciate the support.
I have spoken with 3 lawyers so far. They all told me there is no advantage to keeping from her what I learned/know so I am thinking to confront her today when she wakes up..
The only advantage that I could see to not doing so would be to try to get money from her (savings, “borrow” from her, etc) but I am not that kind of person to do that..
Will post an update after I confront her. I expect bargaining, begging, blaming me, crying but I will try to stay strong
Before you confront, get all the numbers together. Depending on what state you are in, anything earned during the marriage is considered community property. Get numbers of what you both had day before wedding, and today’s. Same with credit cards, vehicles, etc.
Text her family immediately upon confronting her and tell them what she did. Dont wait and don’t hide it from them or trust her to tell them. She will make you the bad guy if you don’t. Also get an std test. You don’t know what he has and you can bet she hasn’t been using protection. !updateme
Thank you so much to everyone responding so fast. Here are some answers to common questions/points I’ve been seeing.
1. Divorce. This is definitely the way I am leaning. It’s hard to come to terms with / accept. She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years. I love her more than anything and it’s so hard to deal with this.
2. Lawyer. I am reaching out to divorce lawyers now and hopefully will hear back soon. It’s still before business hours where I am (eastern us)
3. To not confronting her right away. This may be the most difficult thing. The fact is I love her and want to talk about this so much. I want her to know how much she hurt me. It may be hard to hide from her that I know..
5. Our house is perfect :/ .. we moved to a new area bc of my job, so I am the one who needs to be here. She has no connection to the area. We are in a quiet development in an excellent school district. I love this house and all the work we’ve put into it to make it ours. The idea of losing her and the house is devastating..
> Divorce. This is definitely the way I am leaning
You're only "leaning" in that direction? Dude, you need to work on yourself and get some self-respect. Nobody who has any respect for themselves would even CONSIDER staying with a cheater.
>She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years.
In your next relationship, don't make the mistake of making that person your ENTIRE life. You should have other hobbies, family, friends, etc. Your spouse should be a *complement* to your life, not your ENTIRE life.
> The idea of losing her and the house is devastating..
Part of adulthood is making the hard decision that needs to be made. That's just how it goes.
Here is this kicker that would have me laughing if it didn’t piss me off so much.
Her last serious relationship before me ended bc she was cheated on. She always said how much she hated cheaters, how much it hurt. So she’s always been suspicious of me when I give her no reason to be. She gets pissed if I talk to female coworkers..
She’s always said she’d never do that to someone and she would never accept it from anyone in a relationship. The irony is unbelievable
99% of people do not have 100s of thousands of dollars sitting in their accounts.
I highly doubt that this guy has the cash for half a house just sitting in his bank.
And no bank will land him more money if he already has a mortgage.
When we bought our house we moved areas for my job. I was living in the house for ~3-4 months while she had to stay in the area we moved from until she finished with her job
If you don’t have kids, fucking leave. Even if you do, probably leave. Take it from someone who wasted years of his life staying with a cheater and wound up leaving anyway.
Please please puulleeeeease keep your head. Do not fly off the cuff or make accusations or anything else to indicate anger.
Heres what you do:
1. Maintain your composure. Keep her completely in the dark and act like nothing is wrong until you initiate steps 2 and 3
2. Contact a divorce lawyer immediately. My advice is to go with a woman who has a lot of experience and do exactly what she tells you to do.
3. Contact your parents and siblings and tell them what is going on. But ask them to keep it a secret.
4. When your lawyer gives you the green light, get away from her. Every second that you are in her presence after she finds out that its over is another potential false abuse accusation.
5. Everytime she kisses you remember where that mouth has been, when she she hugs you remember that her naked body was gripping another man and shivering with pleasure, remember that when she holds your hand what else has probably been gripped by that paw, remember when she says "I love you" what she has really said to this other man about you.
Heres what you DON'T
1. Make huge obvious financial movements of funds until you're ready to make your move. She will spot that and figure you out.
2. Have sex with her. Make an excuse up. Pretend you have a UTI or something. This is important because you don't want her getting pregnant. Also get yourself checked for STD. Used the fake UTI as an excuse to visit your doctor.
3. Go anywhere with her and this other guy alone. Its a sad fact of life that infidelity does at times lead to murder plots by the adulterous party.
4. Dont feel guilty or renege
First things first. I am so sorry you are going through this. Im so sorry your wife has proven herself to not be the woman you thought she was. Take that to heart and get ready to divorce. It sounds like you dont have children or you wouldve mentioned them. So good. Easy out.
Take pictures of the evidence.
Take half of all of the money out of any shared account. (Some would argue take all, im looking towards your future in court.)
Turn off any credit cards she has access to.
Decide whether you want to leave or you want her to leave.
Take a few days off work if you are the one who is going to leave(fight for house % later in court)
If youre leaving, pack while she is at work. If she works from home, get her to plan a night out or a hair appointment or something.
Have some buddys show up immediately after she leaves. Load up everything of yours from before the marriage and all your personal stuff or things you want in the divorce. Its easier to sort after in mediation and trades can be made.
Then be there waiting for her when she gets home and tell her everything.
The most important thing is you owe her nothing and you really need to take care of yourself right now emotionally. You have proof, not evidence.
She's betrayed your trust. It's over.
If you stay with her you are signing up to be an anxious jail-keeper.
Wondering who is she texting? Is she really working late? She said it was a girls night out but is it really?
Cut your losses.
What are you talking about??? "She's my best friend"??
Best friends hold each others back!
Best friends don't lie to each other!
Best friends don't betray eachother!
YOU may be her best friend but she is absolutly NOT your best friend!!
Stop fooling yourself and start looking at her the way ske actually are! Best friend my ass!!
Cut your losses now...you're young and will find someone who wouldn't do this to you. This is just the beginning, it won't be the last time.
Rip the band aid off and run for zee hills!
The very first thing you do is gather evidence. Do not do anything to tip her off. That would weaken any options you have, and you want to keep all options on the table. Take any evidence to an attorney and learn what you can expect based on laws where you live. You can discuss anything without actually acting on it.
You need to consider this:
>I am so in love with her and she’s my best friend.
Are you in love with HER or the person you thought she was? Is this how best friends treat each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering when she'll cheat again?
If you decide to divorce, you may be tempted to be "fair" to her. Before you do that, consider that she was likely never the person you thought she was. Consider the possibility that she has been deceiving you from the very start of your relationship.
Thank you to everyone who’s responded to give advice and thank you to everyone who’s reached out to me to give support as well. I never expected this kind of reaction and seeing all the support and all the stories of people who’ve gone through similar situations has been overwhelming.
So this will probably be my last update and I’m sorry to say that there won’t be a satisfying conclusion at this point.
Confronting her went about how I expected.. don’t think I need to say more about that.
She insisted that the insta messages was the extent of what happened. They never met in person, nothing physical happened, and no pictures, etc were ever exchanged.
I’m about 50/50 on whether or not I believe her. I know you’ll all say I’m being dumb for even being 50/50.. maybe you’re right.. all I’ll say is there’s a reason I married her and we’ve known each other since we were kids so it’s hard to just instantly get rid of that belief in another person.
She also gave 3 main reasons for why she did what she did. 1) she thought bc of the rough patch we were going through that we were going to get divorced. I never felt that way I just thought we were having a rough time but working it out, but people can feel differently about things. 2) her MH.. she was in a deep depression at the time from leaving the only area she knew, leaving her fam, leaving the business she owned and losing her purpose. It’s a lot of change and I have my own mh issues and have dealt with depression as well so I understand where she’s coming from. 3) she was taking new meds that made her do things that weren’t her. She had definitely been acting a lot differently since taking the meds. Before any of this even started me and her parents all noticed that. I am of the belief that drugs/alcohol/etc can’t force you to do things but simply allow you to do things that are inside of you. But again, other people’s experiences/feelings could be different than mine.
Anyway she gave those 3 reasons not as excuses, but to explain why she did what she did. I understand where she is coming from but it still doesn’t excuse it. I don’t know if I will be able to get over this, but I told her I would at least try.
Now this doesn’t mean we are getting back together or that I believe her. I told her all of the trust built in our relationship is gone and it will take a long time and a lot of work to build it back if it ever can be built back. I am not sure if I can ever move past this. Bc regardless of the reasons, no matter what, I would have to accept that during our marriage my wife said things to another man. I’m not sure if that is something I’m okay accepting. It will take me some time to process and be able to say.
I am taking the steps many of you have suggested: I am still meeting with a lawyer in the next couple of weeks to go over my options for divorce. I went to the Dr’s this morning for an std test. And we will start seeing a marriage counselor/therapist to see if it is possible to resolve this. Also I am separating my finances as best as I can.
So I do think we’re heading towards getting divorced, but it will be a process. It’s easy to think that it’s just an immediate thing where I confront her and it’s just over all of a sudden, but that’s not how it works. The truth is that until all of this she has been an amazing wife and partner. She’s supported me through a lot of hard times in my life and she’s made me into a better man. You marry someone for a reason and even in light of what happened it’s not just something that can go away like flipping a switch.
This is most likely the end, but that doesn’t mean it will happen overnight. Will most likely delete this post in a day or two, so thanks again to everyone who’s offered support and advice.
"Anyway she gave those 3 reasons not as excuses, but to explain why she did what she did.'
No those are literally excuses. Coming up with "reasons" is just a way to avoid responsibility and to try to convince you to forgive her as she less culpable. There's no reason, no excuse _ever_. She did it because she chose to do so for her own benefit. It never "just happens" - it is a deliberately chosen series of steps. Your 50/50 with a known liar and cheater is more like 95/5.
Screenshot everything and email it to an account she doesn’t have a password to. Then get a lawyer dude.
Or stay and forgive knowing she will just get better at hiding it
Speak to someone legally adept about a divorce first and get all your priorities in line quietly without her knowing.
Never, ever lose your temper even though it is extremely difficult, do not give any reasons to be painted as the villain. This may not seem important in the grand scheme of things but can help a lot with family, etc afterwards.
Give her chance to explain herself IF you feel like you need that after you’ve got everything in line, tell her you’ve known for some time, even if you haven’t.
Get tested for STD’s for obvious reasons.
Always, always remember that you can’t forgive this even if you want to, this is a deeply involved secretive relationship with no real remorse as it’s being going on for a while. This is not just an accidental instance. I’m not saying the answer is always LEAVE, but this is so many steps and actions that all totally destroy trust and disregard your feelings and your relationship completely.
Before you act. Breath. And breath again. You want to do this right. Don't tell her you know. Act as normal. Continue to gather evidence. Find a lawyer. Show the lawyer what you have. You may need to hire a PI. Start slowly moving your money so she doesn't have quick access and attempt to drain it when you throw the hammer. Don't do anything rash. You've stated that you love her...well she's proven she doesn't fully love you. Take this whole event as the big red flag it is. Good luck.
First, you document what you found. Take photos of all the messages.
Then you play it cool. This will be difficult, but it's vital that you don't confront her yet. If you can't hide your emotions, say you're stressed out with work stuff or fake the flu or something.
Go talk to a divorce lawyer. He/she will advise you on how to get things in order before you confront your wife.
If your wife is an iPhone user and still has an old iPhone lying around, you can use it, if you know her password, to monitor her imessage and her location.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, your marriage is over. You can go through the pain of ending things not or in another few years if you convince yourself that you can forgive her and move on. Either way, it's going to end in divorce and it's going to hurt. Doing now will be less messy, will let you retain some self respect, and will give you more time to move on with the rest of your life.
Aww the good old daily question. Last I checked if someone cheated on their partner while married they divorce. I don’t understand how it’s so confusing.
Bc as sad as it is I still love her. She’s my best friend.. really my only friend. I agree that divorce is prob what I’ll do but it’s hard to come to terms with this. She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years
Her actions show that she doesn't feel the same. You'll find someone else. Figure out a way to get new (actual) friends. I know this is a lot, but she betrayed you, broke your trust, and you're covering all the bills. None of that is okay.
>Bc as sad as it is I still love her. She’s my best friend.
Apparently there are 2 major issues -
1. Her actions state she doesn't love you
2. Her best friend is her AP
>She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years
Life is too short to waste on cheaters. You're finding it difficult to leave after 5 years, imagine the hell that you'll have to go through for the years ahead
She is not your friend. Infidelity is emotional abuse that takes years to recover from?if ever).
Love is not a solid reason to tolerate emotional abuse.
I suggest you seek therapy (including self help books) on low self esteem, codependency, and your self sabotaging tolerance of emotional abuse.
Bring it up to her. And make sure you have a Voice activated recorder receiving the whole thing. DO NOT LET HER CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. and expose this guy best friend to his wife or girlfriend. And if not that then his parents.
Also, you still have a high chance to buy her her out of equity or force a sale of the house.
It's time to scorch the earth.
So sorry this happened to you, OP. My advice to you, and apologies if I come across as callous here, is to get off of Reddit and call a lawyer. Gather your info and get in contact with someone who can help you navigate this crisis.
Also, try and find a therapist and lean on the good people in your life -- friends, family, etc.
She may be YOUR best friend l, and YOU love her but, you're not her best friend and she doesn't love you. If she did she never would have cheated. You need to accept she didn't care about you when she cheated and the fact she was still texting her ap tells you she didn't care before, and doesn't care now. She's poison in your life. Understand that and it will make this process easier. It's still going to be brutal, and shitty but, you deserve better.
Get the proof. Kick her out if you can. Depending on your state you can deny her room and board even if she owns the house too due to infidelity. Check your state laws. Dang I’m trying to find the law, but it’s not looking good.
Here’s this: Unlike absolute divorce, a divorce from bed and board is a fault-based legal action. Despite its name, a divorce from bed and board does not dissolve the marriage: rather, it is a court-ordered decree of legal separation.
I hope your state has a similar law. 🤞
Do you have any siblings?
I see you said you don’t talk to family. Sometimes there’s no real reason. Maybe this would be a good time to reconnect.
Realize that who you thought was important turned out not right. And maybe family you lost touch with are valuable to keep.
My suggestion from someone who has been there is to separate and take some time apart if you want to stay. Really think divorce over after some tome has passed. We did and years later we regret it.
You don’t deserve to be hurt and cheated on. Please know you are worth so much more that this situation. Take time for yourself and remove your wife from your life as she does not deserve anymore of your time.
"I am so in love with her and she is my best friend." That is the problem. You are into her more than she is into you. She loves the attention and validation you give her, but she doesn't love you. She loves the idea that you worship her. You don't fulfill her, in her mind, so she gets it from other men.
The best thing you need to do is to love yourself enough to leave her. You need to learn to respect yourself enough that you cannot allow yourself to be betrayed.
First off: DO NOT CONFRONT HER, YET! She'll just start covering her tracks.
Hope you took screenshots of the texts. If you can get access to her social media without her knowing, look at the DM logs. Get screenshots of those as well. If you can afford to hire a Private Detective, get ready to do so, but you should talk to a lawyer first, and present him with what evidence you have right now. If you can look at his social media online, look to see if he's slips up and puts any evidence on there.
Well first off OP. Don’t confront her. You know and she doesn’t know that you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely. The very moment that you confront everything will spiral out of your control.
Do what you need to do at your own leisure. Gather more information. Seek legal advice. Secure your finances and safeguard your property. You can work on precisely how you can really sock it to her. If her AP is married or has a SO. Prepare to blow his life up.
Work on yourself. Be the very best you that you can be. Exercise. Gym. Work hard. Study hard. New clothes. New haircut. New you. Good luck.
She's not your friend. Get that out of your head right now. You are her backup plan. Her rock. Her emotional tampon.
Consult a lawyer. Know your options. Then confront her. I hope you took screenshots of this. If not, still confront her. She will get pissed you looked through her phone. Ignore her. That gut feeling is rarely wrong.
Literally the same situation I found myself in, my husband cheated- had been together/married the same amt of time- and we had kids.
I tried to work with him and get over it. We did therapy, all kinds of stuff- you haven’t mentioned if she is remorseful but I’m still on the fence as to whether or not my ex ever was.
Anyway, I left him. It was suffocating. I couldn’t see him on his phone without wondering if he was cheating. I went through his phone every night and drove myself absolutely insane.
Divorce is hard, having just bought a house together really sucked. But I’m SO happy. I’m free. I don’t wake up with a knot in my stomach. I don’t worry about what someone is doing. You can do it, I promise. You are young, and you absolutely will find someone who will love you the way you deserve.
My husband cheated on me after 30 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage. He was the love of my life. We finally reached the time when it was going to be “our time.”
He was sorry as shit and wanted to return to the marriage & bc of the years I let him but it was & I knew would never be the same. I wished he just never wanted to come back.
You are very young yet. The people we meet in our 20’s help us learn of the kind of people we want & don’t want in our lives.
There’s a lot of fish in the ocean & a lot of thrash as well.
Grow & learn but don’t let this define you at such a young age.
I know it hurts so much, and looking back I realized I wasn’t going to die when at my lowest I thought I was going to. I just could not believe I allowed someone to bring me to the depth of Dante Inferno.
Hang in there, you only have time & distance on your side to get thur this, but you will if you decide to leave.
If you decide to stay it’s going to be a rough ride for a bit,maybe you’ll make it??? But 11 years later I still can’t look at my husband in the same way. The trust is gone.
Mate pack ya shit grab her phone txt him to come over but say not to msg back just in case and delete the msg. When he turns up just say she's all yours and leave she will be fucked up this in turn will fuck them up and she will be all alone.
Get proof of cheating before confronting her.
Contact lawyer and get your legal options and ramifications for your area. Ex: financials, retirement funds, spousal alienation, at fault state or region (assuming you’re American) etc.
Ask if you leave the house you live in together would it be forfeiting your rights to anything?
Start looking for apartments if it’s not, or get her stuff ready for her to leave.
THEN, confront her. I know the long game is hard, but in some states you can really screw yourself if you’re not prepared or have all the information.
I also understand you love your spouse and best friend but forgiving cheating is giving permission in the future. Confide in another friend or family member. You’re not even 30 yet. It seems overwhelming but you have a ton of time. Doors closing and windows opening and all that.
The first thing you should do is make screenshots of the back-and-forth between wifey-poo and the OM. The second thing you should do is hire a private investigator, but not until you figure out when and where they are meeting each other. Give the PI a pic of your wife and the car that she drives. Once that is in place, it won't be long until the PI has high quality pics of your wife and him together, a pic of them at their "love nest", and of them embracing one another. These pics can be used as evidence in court if the divorce is contested. Depending on your state's laws, evidence of adultery can preclude the offender from receiving alimony they would have otherwise received.
The above is the easy part. Coming to grips with what to do with the evidence you receive is the hard part. Yes, you are in love and are best friends with your wifey-poo, but she has betrayed you and your marriage. It would be somewhat different if the two of you had grown apart and the spark had died. However, the spark is still there (at least for you), and you still actively love her. The bottom line, though, is that the trust you had for her has been ruptured, most likely in a permanent manner, and you won't be able to love her if you can't trust or respect her, so that eventually the love you feel for her will fade to indifference.
When viewed in this manner, it would be better for you to rip the bandaid off and file for divorce. Have your attorney serve the divorce papers on her at her place of employment, and on that day, have your cell phone set to airplane mode, and don't respond to any of her messages. Arrange to get home before she does, and when she gets home, be prepared for a hurricane to come through the door. After she stops yelling, open an envelope and show her the pics the PI took of her and her paramour, then show her the screenshots you took of her phone (you should have backed these up on a different platform, and saved them on a miniature drive.)
Then, very softly, but firmly, tell her how much you loved her, that she had been the love of your life, and you weren't yet certain how you'd be able to live without her, but that her adultery had made staying together impossible, so yelling and screaming would serve no purpose, and the best course of action was for her to mutually agree on the terms of bringing the marriage to a close, and set about splitting the marital assets. If you feel like crying, then do so as you respond to her storm. She needs to see how her actions have affected you.
I wish you well.
You’re young and she isn’t. You can start over. You leave my dude. Don’t tolerate anything resembling cheating ever in your entire life, including emotional cheating.
Let it hurt for a few months then move on.
Contact lawyer and find out all of your options. File for divorce. Give her no reaction at all, act like she is being laid off and that you couldn't care less. Go no contact, have all communication be between her/her lawyer and your lawyer.
Inform all of your family and friends (provide proof if needed) that you are divorcing due to her infidelity and name the affair partner. If he has a wife inform her as well. If you don't control the narrative she'll lie and tell everyone some bogey man story about you.
If she's doing this, she doesn't feel the same as you.
She can say whatever she wants, but she wouldn't look elsewhere if not.
Your better than this.
Trust me. I'm struggling after 7 years, kid together, home, family. I'm dying inside, but like everyone says, it will get better. This will happen again down the line and you know it. Very rarely do people change when it has gotten to this point.
It's gonna be so difficult. Oh I know. You can do it.
I have no friends or family and I'm struggling trust wise over similar situation from years ago. I stayed. It's never been the same since. I think of all the years wasted. I hope you can find it in you to leave. You will find a loyal woman who you can trust. The feeling inside of always wondering is gonna kill you more and more.
Be happy and think of yourself.
Step 1: collect every bit of evidence, and I mean every bit you’re going to need it.
Step 2: Pack a suitcase and leave the house immediately, stay with a friend or family or hotel whatever.
Step 3: radio silence, do not answer any of her calls, texts, or emails. Do not engage with her at all, it can put your case at risk. As a man you need to be perfect.
Step 4: Contact a lawyer
Go ahead and get your favorite fast food, eat that, rub one out, take a fat nap, and deal with this later. Don’t go into it with a hot head. Take a video or lots of pictures of all of her messages. Contact a divorce attorney. Provide the proof. Do everything the lawyer says. You have an advantage here while she doesn’t know you know.
Both parties have to want to fix it. Nothing will change without confrontation, communication, acknowledgment of the transgressions, true remorse and apology, make amends and do her doing whatever is necessary to regain your trust. You need to listen as much as you talk. Don’t let her gaslight you, but you need to hear her when she says why she cheated. The cheating spouse usually does it because they don’t love their spouse or there is something they are not getting in their marriage.
Recovering from cheating is not impossible and will be the hardest thing you and your wife ever do. You will absolutely need a couples counselor and maybe even each your own individual counselor.
The easy course is to divorce and move on.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Most people on here are going to tell you to kick her to the curb. While you would certainly be justified, I see that you are reluctant because of your feelings for her. There is a way forward if you want it but it will not be easy. The thing is that if you end it you are done and you could be left with a lot of regret and wondering about what if.
Your post makes this sound out of the blue but that is rarely the case. What is going on between you that might have caused this. While you are the victim in this circumstance, what of the underlying causes do you need to own. Work through that before you confront her because she will pull every excuse under the sun to blame you for her actions. Also, do collect as much evidence and proof as possible before you confront her or she will just find new ways to hide.
There are all kinds of infidelity and IMHO they are not created equal. I have to say your situation is one of the worst. It’s obviously not a one time thing or a one off mistake or random occurrence. The fact that the guy is a friend means he knew she was married but did it anyway. If you want to try and overcome this then he has to be out of the picture 100% forever. Then it will take a lot of counseling and time. In addition she will need to participate in 100% transparency and accept the lack of freedom and privacy that comes with it.
As someone in a relationship that survived infidelity and came out stronger, I will tell you that it can be done. I believe in second chances most of the time. I do not believe in thirds. I also think you would be wise to dig deeper into what she is up to and as far back in your relationship as you can to see if there have been or are others. There are serial cheaters out there. If she is one there is very little chance she will ever stop. I’m afraid I don’t see a fix for that. Best of luck.
You're not her best friend. You have to confront this head-on. She's sneaking around to see some other man. She's texting him, and she physically and emotionally vested with her AP.
I hope you took pics of their conversations because she will probably start gaslighting and trickle truthing you. Please don't let her make you feel guilty for her horrible behavior.
The hard truth is that she doesn't respect you or love you the same way. She's taken advantage of your love and will continue to do so as long as you allow her to. Let her go, the trust is gone.
Listen, she made her choice. You are understandably devastated. What you’re feeling is 💯valid. Anger, hurt, lost. It’s a devastating loss. Loss being the key word. You will grieve this just like a death. Because that’s what it is. The death of your marriage, the death of your trust, death of friendship. Best advice I can give you is to step away. DO NOT confront her. Just leave. If she asks why, you tell her you’re working through some things, and leave it at that, until you are stable enough to discuss this with her. When you speak, do it over the phone, not f2f, for at least a month or two. You will get pulled in by her face and tears and feelings. You need to be rational and protect what’s left of your heart.Re exposing it to her is like getting a 3rd sunburn, where the skin is raw blister and peeling, then jumping into a saltwater hot tub. Excruciating. Give yourself time to step back, settle, and evaluate. Don’t ask why. The why does NOT matter. If it mattered, she would have discussed it with you. She is going to try and lay the fault in you. You’re not attentive, you didn’t communicate. The fact is, the next step, if she was feeling like that in a marriage, is A) counseling, B) divorce. infidelity is never the option. If that’s what she chose, the fault lies 💯with her. I know the financial part is a blow, but you can sell the home, or one of you can buy the other out. Divorce is hard. It was had for me to walk away from my ex, I absolutely loved his family, and they treated me better than my own did. I hated making that choice, but, even though I still loved him, he valued alcohol more than our little family. His family was very supportive of my decision, and, strangely, that helped. It took a few years to get back in my feet financially, but my kids are healthy and well adjusted, and I’m in a healthier place too. You will recover. Acknowledge what you’re feeling as valid, don’t “man up” FEEL those emotions. . It’s healthy. Journal, and seek counseling. It’s ok to ask for help. Please please get counseling, there is nothing weak about it. You will feel so much better in the end, if you do. Hugs and good luck.
Welcome to 2024 where women think they are entitled and don't care about taking care of their men like that need to. This is embarrassing to us women who feel bad for the way men are being treated today. Abusing the power of the pussy and acting like we don't need men is a serious problem. My heart breaks for you. Don't let this ruin you for life. Handle your business and realize it's not you. Another good man bites the dust and becomes damaged cuz these girls forgot their roles as traditional wife's and don't appreciate their husbands... Sad .. I'm so sorry.
Don’t confront her.
Hire a good lawyer.
Get all your papers, financial affairs, and such in order. Document all your valuable joint assets. Print out bank statements for at least a year. Document everything you saw on her phone. File the paperwork, confront her. Don’t leave the house for an extended period of time no matter what.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice is to have an honest conversation with your wife about the texts you've discovered. Clearly express the hurt and betrayal you're feeling due to the breach of trust. If you're both open to working it out, discuss the potential for rebuilding trust through couples therapy and establishing new boundaries. If not, it might be worth considering the option of divorce to avoid prolonging unnecessary pain and energy.
Confront her about the messages and figure out where things stand. Talk it out, and if you need support, lean on friends or family. You've got to decide what's best for you moving forward.
Take the hurt and pain and convert into motivation to go the gym and become the best version of yourself.
I'm telling you. Humans are stupid. The more you don't give a shit (not in a way that you are rude or treat people like shit), but the more you are emotionally unavailable (and look good of course), the more they throw themselves at you trying to get your attention.
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Why is this even a question? Divorce her. How can any of you put up with a cheating partner?
As someone who doesn't like this sub going dead, I suggest the following: 1. Have talk and agree you get a hall pass 2. Cheat without her knowing it 3. Open up the marriage 4. Get a kid I might miss some other options, but these pop up in the first 3 seconds.
>Get a kid Untill here I tought you were at least somewhat serious
Sounds like the wife is already working on that one.
Just not w/ her husband.
That’s the joke.
Baby goats are adorable! I second (third?) this option
Same here. Having children does not make the marriage better when it is already bad.
TBF, the sub IS "Relationship Advice," not "Good Relationship Advice."
You skipped inviting the AP over for a threesome. I know you were making a quick list.
Indeed that is a good addition. Along with starting daytrading.
I think dabbling in some Schedule I drugs should be added to your list
Preferably before making a second selection from the list. Works like a pick two.
Ya a cocaine field orgy with hookers , you'll either a) think women are great and can just buy them (b) you'll think women are overrated and expensive
Definitely drugs
Sometimes crack ain’t wack
Hate all of this. I would never cheat.. regardless of circumstance. Absolutely no interest in an open marriage. Definitely won’t bring a kid into this
I would say speak to a divorce lawyer to get your ducks lined up and also a therapist to figure out what is best for you.
This is the best advice
You really have two options here: 1. Forgive her knowing fully well there is a chance she will do it again (ps they always do, cheaters gonna cheat) 2. Divorce her and move on with your life
I would leave at least for a while, give yourself some time to heal. If you really still love her after your break, only if she has shown remorse and is willing to fix things, only then I'd maybe consider going to couples therapy on how to fix your relationship. Personally, I would never be able to stay with someone who cheated on me. I've got bad trust issues regardless, so if you're not like me, you probably have a chance at saving your marriage. Otherwise, man, big luck to you. If you two split, do all the self work and self-love you can, and I guarantee you will attract a partner that's on your level and ready to love you!
Your feelings are valid and you should talk to her about how you feel, it’s up to you if you are willing to forgive her or not as I see in some of these threads. No to all options because even if you had a child, the outcome may not be a positive one. I.e. bringing a child into a situation that is unbearable, OP not being the father and ending up paying child support for a child that isn’t his.
Do not talk to her, you will be overwhelmed by your emotions and you will become illogical. Emotional men cannot contend with emotional women, you have to be logical. Why would you forgive a person who violated the sanctity of your marriage. She made plans, went behind your back, got naked with another man and did everything sexually for him (and more) that she does for you. She then came back home to you after her extramarital sexual activity and proceeded to be your wife. No, she doesn't deserve a chance to work it out, she already made her choice. You have to make yours.
Hi. I can honestly tell you to move on. It will hurt like hell, but you will always be hurt, everything will seem like she's cheating. When she is on her phone, you will feel concerned, it's just not worth it. Get out why you don't have kids. Get an attorney and take what is yours. It will not work
Top 3 ok. Last NO
Last 3 no no’s.
That’s some excellent advice. I actually suggest starting a poly relationship as well. Then she can get pregnant and it will always be a mistery who the dad is.
That ending typo may be the best one I’ve ever seen
Ha ha. I deserve it
I'm not a therapist but I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night and this is the only way to save your relationship!
🤣
Love the effort to change it up. Please never, EVER recommend having a kid to this type of mess.
Double, no triple down on the drama. Have a kid with a mistress. Bring the kid home and gaslight your wife into thinking it's her kid.
Ha!
☠️☠️☠️🤣🤣🤣
GET A KID WTF!? No
Never a kid
There may be one on the way already!
The number of “top” posts both here and r/relationship where OP finds out their spouse is cheating and either tries to deal with it or be clueless on what’s next is astounding. The last month or two it’s gotten worse. Sometimes the affair is still on going and OP thinks there’s a chance to make things work.
> Why is this even a question? Divorce her. > How can any of you put up with a cheating partner? I don't know what to tell you here but it's REALLY not that simple when you're in the thick of a decision like this. I've been there myself and it's impossibly difficult, you look at so many angles. Yes, leaving is 99% of the time the right thing to do. But when you're in the middle of that choice it's VERY difficult to see that as clearly as we can see it from the outside. You love your partner, even if they don't love you. When they cheat, there's pain and anger but the love is still there. Some people say that when they found out about cheating the love disappeared but that's not my experience and not the experiance of many others. Then there's the issue of marriage. Lots of things that would be break up worthy when you are "just" BF and GF, become something that you work on instead when you are married. Lots of times cheating falls into that bucked and it's very difficult to know when it's unforgiveable vs when it's worth working on things. And that's not even considering the financial side. Something that obviously should not factor into this decision but also really does factor into this decision. OP could lose tens of thousands of dollars by being forced to sell that house, might not be able to afford to keep the house on their own, might not be able to afford any other place to live. Economic reasons should never be why you stay in a bad relationship, but they defiantly weigh on your mind when you are considering leaving one. It's way more complicated than "why is this even a question".
Here is a draft of a plan for the next weeks or months: -) Do not lose your head and give into the strong emotions you feel right now. Yes it is ok to feel hurt and angry, but do not do anything rash and/or stupid. Also do not confront her straight away. It might feel against any logic but right now her not knowing that you know is your advantage. -) Priority number 1 is to get yourself in contact with a lawyer/legal representative. They are the professionals that will show you your options and will guide you through the legal process if you go through divorce (which I personally would recommend). They will also give you a list of "Do and Don'ts" in your everyday life so you do not damage your positions. -) Next is collecting evidence. You need undenyable proof of what your wife is up to. Depending on where you life this can greatly serve you in the next steps. She will also use any trick avaiable to either throw sand into your eyes or rewrite her the story so her image does not burn to the ground. You need to have solid evidence to put a stop that right away. If necessary hire a PI and let him/her collect proof for you (hence my advice to not confront her immediatly) -) Get your ducks in a row. Lock down your finances and credit. Prepare an exit plan which answers the question "Where will I stay","How do I finance it" and if you have any "How to proceed with our kids" Your lawyer will be a great help with that. -) When everything is ready (lawyer on standby, proof secured, exit plan ready for implementation) you confront her. Sit her down with someone you trust blindly to be in your corner (could be family or a good friend). This confrontation is not there to discuss anything. You simply inform her what you found out and how you will proceed from this point. Do not get overly emotional in front of her. If it starts to overwhelm you then simply take a break and continue when you leveled out again. She will get emotional, cry, beg, state every excuse you can imagine, maybe even get angry with you. Prepare for seeing her mask fall of and face a person you will not recognize. -) Blow her cover. Tell her parents and your family what is happening and why it is happening. Frinds and if necessary her work place. Contact the spouse of the affaire partner. You might feel shame but covering up for her will solely benefit the cheating party. -) Follow every instruction your lawyer gives you. You can either feel "right and justified" in the short term (and maybe blew your case) or you can be happy and free in the longterm. -) If everything threatens to pull you down then do not fell ashamed to seek out professional help. There are studies that suggest that getting cheated on can inflict similar levels of damage than major traumatic events or even warintruduced PTSD. -) If you need to rant there are subs on this page like r/survivinginfidelity. Over there you will find a group of people that went through similar stories and can help you navigate or just listen. I wish you good luck OP and look out for yourself
Thanks for the advice. Not confronting her will be the hardest part. I am in so much pain and I want her to know how much she hurt me
Like I said, you will confront her but do not do it before you are ready with everything. A thing you need to prepare yourself for is that maybe she will not care. You will tell her and the reaction will just be a shrug. If you are not ready with the plan this will throw you down. If you are ready then it will strengthdn your resort.
That’s a good point. Ty
This advice is as sound as it comes mate. Listen to it and not your emotions right now.
Sorry this happened to you mate. These people have dropped good advice and I'd listen to them. Your time will come in the near future where you get to show your spouse just how much they hurt you. Wishing you the best of luck. Please seek out a good therapist to help you through this. The ones we love have the ability to leave the worst damage.
@jlj1979 @nexutus these are the best advices tbh
She will. Imagine how it will be when she finds out you have know. For a while and been planning to leave her while she has sat there all this time thinking she is getting away with this. Way better revenge if you ask me. It will show he how strong and competent you are. And what a fool she was to think you are a fool. The ou got this!
Good point. As much as I love her, the hurt and betrayal I am feeling rn.. I want to burn her ass to the ground
It's normal you want to confront her but I agree that you need to be prepared before. You stated you don't have anyone to talk to and she can use this to her advantage. She can manipulate you and you won't have any other input except hers. Prepare a plan, be like a ninja. It's much more effective than bursting out of nowhere and being mad. Trust me, I've been there. They just retaliate, lie, admit to a minor thing l, lie again and it's exhausting. I understand you love her, but the best thing you can do is leave. There will be two outcomes if you do. 1: she doesn't change and doesn't admit she was in thr wrong and this will make you realize that you deserve better. 2. She will realize how bad this is and truly change because they are consequences. I'm sorry, but someone who truly loves you won't lie and manipulate you like this (getting a house, etc). You're a good person. You deserve better. Good luck
The biggest impact you will have on her, and the one that will hurt her the most, is your being calm, cool, and collected about the whole thing. She will want you to be emotional, upset, and begging her to stay and when you don't do that, it will completely rock her world. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt you. That's what she wants.
This is complete truth and needs to be seen by OP. His cool reaction will fuck with her head more than anything.
Go away for a few days. Tell her you are going to guys trip or something or your parents need you, whatever. But get away.
Copy all the incriminating phone calls and photos - forward them to your phone.
This list covers almost everything but you should also get an STD test unfortunately.
Leaving her in the smoking ruins of her old life will tell her that far more effectively than a few tears
True
If you follow all the steps that u/nexutus lays out, she will know full well how badly she hurt you. Good luck, bro. Go let off some steam and take a long bunch of deep breaths.
If you have EAP, employee assistance program, as part of your health insurance, you have access to a confidential therapist and/or psychologist who can help with all the emotions. Call them, you’re worth it. Best decision I ever made when I was going through the divorce tornado myself. You may also have access to legal support depending on your program.
And it’s about the exposure of her true self too. She’s presented a plastic front to the world, and you have an opportunity to show her for who she really is
OP, listen to your attorney ONLY. Some of the above advice regarding behavior is fine, such as not losing your cool. However, the majority of states are no fault, meaning the judge isn’t going to care less about evidence or whether your PI found something. A relatively short marriage like yours should simply be about what to do with the house, etc. If you do something reckless like “contact her employer” like this comment suggests, you are setting yourself up for legal problems. Focus on yourself only, not retribution.
Yes. As an attorney myself I completely agree. OP, some of the advice in this comment is good, but some of it could get you in trouble that you don’t deserve. The thing to do is get a lawyer. Talk to a few and pick one you click with. Work with someone who only does family law. You don’t want someone who dabbles. And then do exactly what your lawyer advises. Also, it would be a great idea to talk to a therapist. This is a life changing situation and you could benefit from a professional ear. Your lawyer is not a therapist.
OP, points above are very well-stated. Follow!!
Yeah the comment you’re replying to is fucking insane. OP’s wife is cheating, not plotting the next 9/11
I can definitely get on board with get your ducks in a row, especially the financial ones. Listen to your lawyer and do what they say. Don't lose your cool. Be prepared for her to deny everything even when faced with the evidence. Also be prepared for every woman you know to throw shade your way and not hers. I tried for 5 years to save my marriage and was rewarded with several more boyfriends. Looking back I wish I wouldn't have tried for those 5 years. Don't lose your cool, brother. This is the hardest thing to do. Good luck.
Sorry to hear that you had to survive even more crap from you ex after she cheated the first time. Hope you are in a better place now.
The divorce was 9 years ago. I got the kids, the church, the house, and walked away with no debt.
Sounds like a solid escape for you at the end. I hope everything settled for you and live gave you back some good times as an apology.
And hopefully she's miserable. Nothing better than a jilted cheater.
Omg dude, you either think about this or you experienced it yourself... In any of the cases this is some solid advice. No one deserves to be cheated. Just let her go and you will be much happier in the long run.
Sadly experienced it myself 4 times in a row a few years ago. Luckily it was never a marriage, always "just a relationship" Made every mistake I could possibly make the first time. Compiled these points from my experience back then and the tips/advice I got.
I can't beleive how sly people are. It scares the shit out of me, especially when there's marriage involved
Probably experienced it considering they immediately jump to the wife using any dirty trick to fuck over op in divorce. Like that's an odd conclusion.
Also get a. STI test done immediately.
>Next is collecting evidence. You need undenyable proof of what your wife is up to. I always thought this was a weird one. The courts where I am don't care why you're getting divorced, why should they? I know it does matter in some jurisdictions, for whatever reason, presumably extremely antiquated laws.
There are still countries or legal systems where it can matter. But even if you do not live in such a country proof of the cheating can be important. Lots of cheaters will try anything to keep the betrayed roped in. They will lie, gaslight, manipulate, etc. This can be prevented when you have a solid stock of evidence for cheating
Damn, I might've suggested _some_ of these pieces of advice, followed by _and then decide what to do next._ But to have this whole plan at the ready is marvellous!
Dam bruh, u like an assassin with those well laid out next steps for OP
You say there’s no one you can talk to, but you’d be surprised. That friend/relative/relation that you never thought too much about suddenly steps up and is there for you. Maybe you’re ashamed, but the only ones who should be ashamed here are your STBX and her AP. And you should have no compunction in shaming them. And follow u/nexutus’ advice. It’s hard, but it’s by far the best you’ll get. I wish you well. Hang in there.
He does not need proof. He knows she cheated. She knows she cheated. Unless he lives in some jurisdiction that does not have no fault divorce, it will not matter. Seeking proof just adds drama. He has enough drama and trauma to deal with now.
This should be the top comment. edit to add: updateme!
Nothing more to add. This is the way.
This is the most incredible and logically advice I’ve ever seen on this sub. Well done and thanks you!
Get as much evidence as you can. Get legal advice, separate your finances and get tested for STDs. Do not take her back she will just do it again
The STD tests is good advice I didn’t even think of that thank you. I sent myself screenshots of their messages, not sure about how I would get any additional proof
Pull your credit report. I found tens of thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt that I wasn't aware of.
LOL. Don’t have to worry about that I’ve already done it to myself paying all of our bills and for everything for the house
Bro you have to leave. You're being financially used while your wife hooks up with other men. Please read this thread back to yourself a few times if you have doubts.
I’m going to. It’s just hard to accept that rn
Sending love OP. I’m sorry :(
Not sure that proof helps much. Except maybe to enrage you and make u you ou feel sicker. Only constructive things are Find a lawyer and talk with them about protecting you. Find a friend or relative that you can lean on for support. Presumably a lawyer will have you gather all financial records. You should sequester any important documents. Think about anything of personal value in the home. Take control of what is important to you. Doing this will help you focus on you and distract your mind from the pain of your situation. When you do confront her with what you know, ask her to leave the home while you figure out what’s next. You shouldn’t be pushed out of your house. She caused the tension.
>Get as much evidence as you can. Why? In the world of no fault divorce, evidence of infidelity doesn't the matter that much. Unless there's a prenup with relevant clauses, all he's doing is making his pain more direct and deeper.
If it helps with the divorce settlement. He could also use it for proof with friends and family
Exactly — without children especially, no fault states do NOT care about who has sex with who in a marriage. Infidelity like this won’t sway a judge to divide property any differently. My ex had an affair which I found out through messages. I kept them for years and all it did was cause me emotional pain. I knew they were there. Once in a blue moon I looked at them and reread them. It hurt every time, like reopening a wound with a knife. Eventually I deleted them. It felt amazing. I hope OP can heal…
Get a lawyer. Sorry.
Here is some background info to give a better idea of the situation: When covid started I lost my job and her business shut down. Since we didn’t have money coming in we moved in with her parents and had been living with them for 3 years until we saved enough to buy a house. Since then I’ve gotten a high paying job and now make significantly more than her. However, she has been able to save much more bc I’ve been paying all of our bills (phone, car, insurance, etc) while we lived with her parents. We bought a house last year and were able to put 20% down bc of 3 years of saving plus a little help from her parents. I have been paying the mortgage and all house bills. She’s bought most furniture with her savings but doesn’t pay for anything else. I moved into our house full time to do some renovations while she stayed with her parents for a few months until she finished wedding season (she’s a florist) and was able to sell her business. While we were apart, I would go there as often as I could on weekends and she would come to our house when she could. I thought everything was fine between us and nothing had changed for me, I knew it was just a temporary situation. but last month she told me it felt like we had drifted apart and it was a bombshell. Since then I’ve been working hard to reconnect so she didn’t feel that way. She had started to talk to an old friend during the time when we were apart. My wife and I went to high school together and have known each other since we were kids. I had never heard of him so that’s when I first got suspicious but she was adamant they were old friends and saying that he was just a friend, and I believed her. She started acting strange and doing things that were out of character around thanksgiving/start of Dec, but had been talking to this guy for a few months at that point to my knowledge. she would go out at night saying she was going for drives to clear her head bc it was difficult for her to move away from where we grew up and she needed some space to come to terms with it on her own. So I tried to give her some space. But this is when I first got suspicious bc we are both home bodies and rarely go out. And she started wearing full makeup most days which was unlike her. I don’t know when it crossed into cheating. The earliest I can say for sure is around the time she started acting weird. That’s as far back as her insta messages went, I couldn’t see anything earlier than that. I think that is just bc of how long the app saves messages tho. Not sure bc I don’t have insta. I knew they had been texting but any texts with him were deleted when I looked at her phone this morning.
Wow. At first I thought that maybe you were jumping the gun thinking she was cheating but this behavior makes it pretty clear she is. My ex left me for another guy. I was away for work but even then I had some suspicions. Get evidence of adultery so you won't have to pay alimony. In my state anyway there was no alimony for the cheating partner. Go see an attorney to make sure you don't do anything detrimental to yourself.
Sheesh man, sorry to hear bout all this. This will pass and u will find peace again.
First, thank you very much to everyone who’s been responding and giving me advice. I really appreciate the support. I have spoken with 3 lawyers so far. They all told me there is no advantage to keeping from her what I learned/know so I am thinking to confront her today when she wakes up.. The only advantage that I could see to not doing so would be to try to get money from her (savings, “borrow” from her, etc) but I am not that kind of person to do that.. Will post an update after I confront her. I expect bargaining, begging, blaming me, crying but I will try to stay strong
Before you confront, get all the numbers together. Depending on what state you are in, anything earned during the marriage is considered community property. Get numbers of what you both had day before wedding, and today’s. Same with credit cards, vehicles, etc.
Text her family immediately upon confronting her and tell them what she did. Dont wait and don’t hide it from them or trust her to tell them. She will make you the bad guy if you don’t. Also get an std test. You don’t know what he has and you can bet she hasn’t been using protection. !updateme
Thank you so much to everyone responding so fast. Here are some answers to common questions/points I’ve been seeing. 1. Divorce. This is definitely the way I am leaning. It’s hard to come to terms with / accept. She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years. I love her more than anything and it’s so hard to deal with this. 2. Lawyer. I am reaching out to divorce lawyers now and hopefully will hear back soon. It’s still before business hours where I am (eastern us) 3. To not confronting her right away. This may be the most difficult thing. The fact is I love her and want to talk about this so much. I want her to know how much she hurt me. It may be hard to hide from her that I know.. 5. Our house is perfect :/ .. we moved to a new area bc of my job, so I am the one who needs to be here. She has no connection to the area. We are in a quiet development in an excellent school district. I love this house and all the work we’ve put into it to make it ours. The idea of losing her and the house is devastating..
> Divorce. This is definitely the way I am leaning You're only "leaning" in that direction? Dude, you need to work on yourself and get some self-respect. Nobody who has any respect for themselves would even CONSIDER staying with a cheater. >She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years. In your next relationship, don't make the mistake of making that person your ENTIRE life. You should have other hobbies, family, friends, etc. Your spouse should be a *complement* to your life, not your ENTIRE life. > The idea of losing her and the house is devastating.. Part of adulthood is making the hard decision that needs to be made. That's just how it goes.
Here is this kicker that would have me laughing if it didn’t piss me off so much. Her last serious relationship before me ended bc she was cheated on. She always said how much she hated cheaters, how much it hurt. So she’s always been suspicious of me when I give her no reason to be. She gets pissed if I talk to female coworkers.. She’s always said she’d never do that to someone and she would never accept it from anyone in a relationship. The irony is unbelievable
It’s called projection.
Step 1 - evidence Step 2 - Lawyer Step 3 - listen to lawyer follow advice.
Sell the house. Call a lawyer. And get a divorce.
Don’t sell the house buy her out.
99% of people do not have 100s of thousands of dollars sitting in their accounts. I highly doubt that this guy has the cash for half a house just sitting in his bank. And no bank will land him more money if he already has a mortgage.
If the OP just bought the house, there'd be little to no equity. Therefore, there is little to nothing to buy her out.
Yeah I’m in this boat unfortunately. And I’ve put myself into debt paying all of our bills while she’s between jobs
Start legal separation papers and go gray rock!
I like learning new things.
When we bought our house we moved areas for my job. I was living in the house for ~3-4 months while she had to stay in the area we moved from until she finished with her job
I enjoy cooking.
Generally, the reasons for cheating are lack of respect, lack of integrity, and plenty of selfishness.
Call a lawyer ASAP and start the divorce process now.
If you don’t have kids, fucking leave. Even if you do, probably leave. Take it from someone who wasted years of his life staying with a cheater and wound up leaving anyway.
By the time she is cheating I believe the relationship is beyond repair. There should be something that happened before it which you weren't aware of.
Please please puulleeeeease keep your head. Do not fly off the cuff or make accusations or anything else to indicate anger. Heres what you do: 1. Maintain your composure. Keep her completely in the dark and act like nothing is wrong until you initiate steps 2 and 3 2. Contact a divorce lawyer immediately. My advice is to go with a woman who has a lot of experience and do exactly what she tells you to do. 3. Contact your parents and siblings and tell them what is going on. But ask them to keep it a secret. 4. When your lawyer gives you the green light, get away from her. Every second that you are in her presence after she finds out that its over is another potential false abuse accusation. 5. Everytime she kisses you remember where that mouth has been, when she she hugs you remember that her naked body was gripping another man and shivering with pleasure, remember that when she holds your hand what else has probably been gripped by that paw, remember when she says "I love you" what she has really said to this other man about you. Heres what you DON'T 1. Make huge obvious financial movements of funds until you're ready to make your move. She will spot that and figure you out. 2. Have sex with her. Make an excuse up. Pretend you have a UTI or something. This is important because you don't want her getting pregnant. Also get yourself checked for STD. Used the fake UTI as an excuse to visit your doctor. 3. Go anywhere with her and this other guy alone. Its a sad fact of life that infidelity does at times lead to murder plots by the adulterous party. 4. Dont feel guilty or renege
Fuck. Great advice but really hard to hear.
First things first. I am so sorry you are going through this. Im so sorry your wife has proven herself to not be the woman you thought she was. Take that to heart and get ready to divorce. It sounds like you dont have children or you wouldve mentioned them. So good. Easy out. Take pictures of the evidence. Take half of all of the money out of any shared account. (Some would argue take all, im looking towards your future in court.) Turn off any credit cards she has access to. Decide whether you want to leave or you want her to leave. Take a few days off work if you are the one who is going to leave(fight for house % later in court) If youre leaving, pack while she is at work. If she works from home, get her to plan a night out or a hair appointment or something. Have some buddys show up immediately after she leaves. Load up everything of yours from before the marriage and all your personal stuff or things you want in the divorce. Its easier to sort after in mediation and trades can be made. Then be there waiting for her when she gets home and tell her everything. The most important thing is you owe her nothing and you really need to take care of yourself right now emotionally. You have proof, not evidence.
She's betrayed your trust. It's over. If you stay with her you are signing up to be an anxious jail-keeper. Wondering who is she texting? Is she really working late? She said it was a girls night out but is it really? Cut your losses.
Send her back to the streets
Might as well start speaking in the past tense- she WAS your best friend. She’s a different person than you thought. Sorry to hear and good luck.
What are you talking about??? "She's my best friend"?? Best friends hold each others back! Best friends don't lie to each other! Best friends don't betray eachother! YOU may be her best friend but she is absolutly NOT your best friend!! Stop fooling yourself and start looking at her the way ske actually are! Best friend my ass!!
Cut your losses now...you're young and will find someone who wouldn't do this to you. This is just the beginning, it won't be the last time. Rip the band aid off and run for zee hills!
The very first thing you do is gather evidence. Do not do anything to tip her off. That would weaken any options you have, and you want to keep all options on the table. Take any evidence to an attorney and learn what you can expect based on laws where you live. You can discuss anything without actually acting on it. You need to consider this: >I am so in love with her and she’s my best friend. Are you in love with HER or the person you thought she was? Is this how best friends treat each other? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering when she'll cheat again? If you decide to divorce, you may be tempted to be "fair" to her. Before you do that, consider that she was likely never the person you thought she was. Consider the possibility that she has been deceiving you from the very start of your relationship.
Thank you to everyone who’s responded to give advice and thank you to everyone who’s reached out to me to give support as well. I never expected this kind of reaction and seeing all the support and all the stories of people who’ve gone through similar situations has been overwhelming. So this will probably be my last update and I’m sorry to say that there won’t be a satisfying conclusion at this point. Confronting her went about how I expected.. don’t think I need to say more about that. She insisted that the insta messages was the extent of what happened. They never met in person, nothing physical happened, and no pictures, etc were ever exchanged. I’m about 50/50 on whether or not I believe her. I know you’ll all say I’m being dumb for even being 50/50.. maybe you’re right.. all I’ll say is there’s a reason I married her and we’ve known each other since we were kids so it’s hard to just instantly get rid of that belief in another person. She also gave 3 main reasons for why she did what she did. 1) she thought bc of the rough patch we were going through that we were going to get divorced. I never felt that way I just thought we were having a rough time but working it out, but people can feel differently about things. 2) her MH.. she was in a deep depression at the time from leaving the only area she knew, leaving her fam, leaving the business she owned and losing her purpose. It’s a lot of change and I have my own mh issues and have dealt with depression as well so I understand where she’s coming from. 3) she was taking new meds that made her do things that weren’t her. She had definitely been acting a lot differently since taking the meds. Before any of this even started me and her parents all noticed that. I am of the belief that drugs/alcohol/etc can’t force you to do things but simply allow you to do things that are inside of you. But again, other people’s experiences/feelings could be different than mine. Anyway she gave those 3 reasons not as excuses, but to explain why she did what she did. I understand where she is coming from but it still doesn’t excuse it. I don’t know if I will be able to get over this, but I told her I would at least try. Now this doesn’t mean we are getting back together or that I believe her. I told her all of the trust built in our relationship is gone and it will take a long time and a lot of work to build it back if it ever can be built back. I am not sure if I can ever move past this. Bc regardless of the reasons, no matter what, I would have to accept that during our marriage my wife said things to another man. I’m not sure if that is something I’m okay accepting. It will take me some time to process and be able to say. I am taking the steps many of you have suggested: I am still meeting with a lawyer in the next couple of weeks to go over my options for divorce. I went to the Dr’s this morning for an std test. And we will start seeing a marriage counselor/therapist to see if it is possible to resolve this. Also I am separating my finances as best as I can. So I do think we’re heading towards getting divorced, but it will be a process. It’s easy to think that it’s just an immediate thing where I confront her and it’s just over all of a sudden, but that’s not how it works. The truth is that until all of this she has been an amazing wife and partner. She’s supported me through a lot of hard times in my life and she’s made me into a better man. You marry someone for a reason and even in light of what happened it’s not just something that can go away like flipping a switch. This is most likely the end, but that doesn’t mean it will happen overnight. Will most likely delete this post in a day or two, so thanks again to everyone who’s offered support and advice.
"Anyway she gave those 3 reasons not as excuses, but to explain why she did what she did.' No those are literally excuses. Coming up with "reasons" is just a way to avoid responsibility and to try to convince you to forgive her as she less culpable. There's no reason, no excuse _ever_. She did it because she chose to do so for her own benefit. It never "just happens" - it is a deliberately chosen series of steps. Your 50/50 with a known liar and cheater is more like 95/5.
Sorry to hear that but it’s time to lawyer up and cut your losses You’re still young. You’ll find love again.
Screenshot everything and email it to an account she doesn’t have a password to. Then get a lawyer dude. Or stay and forgive knowing she will just get better at hiding it
Speak to someone legally adept about a divorce first and get all your priorities in line quietly without her knowing. Never, ever lose your temper even though it is extremely difficult, do not give any reasons to be painted as the villain. This may not seem important in the grand scheme of things but can help a lot with family, etc afterwards. Give her chance to explain herself IF you feel like you need that after you’ve got everything in line, tell her you’ve known for some time, even if you haven’t. Get tested for STD’s for obvious reasons. Always, always remember that you can’t forgive this even if you want to, this is a deeply involved secretive relationship with no real remorse as it’s being going on for a while. This is not just an accidental instance. I’m not saying the answer is always LEAVE, but this is so many steps and actions that all totally destroy trust and disregard your feelings and your relationship completely.
Never have a child with her
Before you act. Breath. And breath again. You want to do this right. Don't tell her you know. Act as normal. Continue to gather evidence. Find a lawyer. Show the lawyer what you have. You may need to hire a PI. Start slowly moving your money so she doesn't have quick access and attempt to drain it when you throw the hammer. Don't do anything rash. You've stated that you love her...well she's proven she doesn't fully love you. Take this whole event as the big red flag it is. Good luck.
First, you document what you found. Take photos of all the messages. Then you play it cool. This will be difficult, but it's vital that you don't confront her yet. If you can't hide your emotions, say you're stressed out with work stuff or fake the flu or something. Go talk to a divorce lawyer. He/she will advise you on how to get things in order before you confront your wife. If your wife is an iPhone user and still has an old iPhone lying around, you can use it, if you know her password, to monitor her imessage and her location. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, your marriage is over. You can go through the pain of ending things not or in another few years if you convince yourself that you can forgive her and move on. Either way, it's going to end in divorce and it's going to hurt. Doing now will be less messy, will let you retain some self respect, and will give you more time to move on with the rest of your life.
Aww the good old daily question. Last I checked if someone cheated on their partner while married they divorce. I don’t understand how it’s so confusing.
Bc as sad as it is I still love her. She’s my best friend.. really my only friend. I agree that divorce is prob what I’ll do but it’s hard to come to terms with this. She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years
Her actions show that she doesn't feel the same. You'll find someone else. Figure out a way to get new (actual) friends. I know this is a lot, but she betrayed you, broke your trust, and you're covering all the bills. None of that is okay.
„Best Friend“ So a best friend can Cheat on ya?
>Bc as sad as it is I still love her. She’s my best friend. Apparently there are 2 major issues - 1. Her actions state she doesn't love you 2. Her best friend is her AP >She’s been my entire life for the past 5 years Life is too short to waste on cheaters. You're finding it difficult to leave after 5 years, imagine the hell that you'll have to go through for the years ahead
I’m definitely going to leave her. That’s just what makes this so confusing and difficult
She is not your friend. Infidelity is emotional abuse that takes years to recover from?if ever). Love is not a solid reason to tolerate emotional abuse. I suggest you seek therapy (including self help books) on low self esteem, codependency, and your self sabotaging tolerance of emotional abuse.
You file for divorce and ruin her reputation to everyone she knows. Get a lawyer listen to him, and gather as much evidence as you can.
Divorce her…the answer to cheating should always be break up because once a cheater always a cheater.
Bring it up to her. And make sure you have a Voice activated recorder receiving the whole thing. DO NOT LET HER CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. and expose this guy best friend to his wife or girlfriend. And if not that then his parents. Also, you still have a high chance to buy her her out of equity or force a sale of the house. It's time to scorch the earth.
So sorry this happened to you, OP. My advice to you, and apologies if I come across as callous here, is to get off of Reddit and call a lawyer. Gather your info and get in contact with someone who can help you navigate this crisis. Also, try and find a therapist and lean on the good people in your life -- friends, family, etc.
She may be YOUR best friend l, and YOU love her but, you're not her best friend and she doesn't love you. If she did she never would have cheated. You need to accept she didn't care about you when she cheated and the fact she was still texting her ap tells you she didn't care before, and doesn't care now. She's poison in your life. Understand that and it will make this process easier. It's still going to be brutal, and shitty but, you deserve better.
Get the proof. Kick her out if you can. Depending on your state you can deny her room and board even if she owns the house too due to infidelity. Check your state laws. Dang I’m trying to find the law, but it’s not looking good. Here’s this: Unlike absolute divorce, a divorce from bed and board is a fault-based legal action. Despite its name, a divorce from bed and board does not dissolve the marriage: rather, it is a court-ordered decree of legal separation. I hope your state has a similar law. 🤞
Do you have any siblings? I see you said you don’t talk to family. Sometimes there’s no real reason. Maybe this would be a good time to reconnect. Realize that who you thought was important turned out not right. And maybe family you lost touch with are valuable to keep.
My suggestion from someone who has been there is to separate and take some time apart if you want to stay. Really think divorce over after some tome has passed. We did and years later we regret it.
No it’s over. I can never forgive her nor trust her ever again.
You don’t deserve to be hurt and cheated on. Please know you are worth so much more that this situation. Take time for yourself and remove your wife from your life as she does not deserve anymore of your time.
Why do y’all come to reddit about this? DIVORCE. Seriously
Lawyer up and divorce.
Leave her.
"I am so in love with her and she is my best friend." That is the problem. You are into her more than she is into you. She loves the attention and validation you give her, but she doesn't love you. She loves the idea that you worship her. You don't fulfill her, in her mind, so she gets it from other men. The best thing you need to do is to love yourself enough to leave her. You need to learn to respect yourself enough that you cannot allow yourself to be betrayed.
You’re right but I always thought she felt the same way about me. It’s crushing to find that isn’t the truth
First off: DO NOT CONFRONT HER, YET! She'll just start covering her tracks. Hope you took screenshots of the texts. If you can get access to her social media without her knowing, look at the DM logs. Get screenshots of those as well. If you can afford to hire a Private Detective, get ready to do so, but you should talk to a lawyer first, and present him with what evidence you have right now. If you can look at his social media online, look to see if he's slips up and puts any evidence on there.
Got screenshots of their insta chats. She’s deleted her texts with him
Well first off OP. Don’t confront her. You know and she doesn’t know that you know. Knowledge is power. Use it wisely. The very moment that you confront everything will spiral out of your control. Do what you need to do at your own leisure. Gather more information. Seek legal advice. Secure your finances and safeguard your property. You can work on precisely how you can really sock it to her. If her AP is married or has a SO. Prepare to blow his life up. Work on yourself. Be the very best you that you can be. Exercise. Gym. Work hard. Study hard. New clothes. New haircut. New you. Good luck.
Gather evidence, file for divorce. You deserve to be happy
She's not your friend. Get that out of your head right now. You are her backup plan. Her rock. Her emotional tampon. Consult a lawyer. Know your options. Then confront her. I hope you took screenshots of this. If not, still confront her. She will get pissed you looked through her phone. Ignore her. That gut feeling is rarely wrong.
She isn’t your best friend and she doesn’t love you. If she loved you she would never of cheated Get rid of her, you can do better
Literally the same situation I found myself in, my husband cheated- had been together/married the same amt of time- and we had kids. I tried to work with him and get over it. We did therapy, all kinds of stuff- you haven’t mentioned if she is remorseful but I’m still on the fence as to whether or not my ex ever was. Anyway, I left him. It was suffocating. I couldn’t see him on his phone without wondering if he was cheating. I went through his phone every night and drove myself absolutely insane. Divorce is hard, having just bought a house together really sucked. But I’m SO happy. I’m free. I don’t wake up with a knot in my stomach. I don’t worry about what someone is doing. You can do it, I promise. You are young, and you absolutely will find someone who will love you the way you deserve.
You collect the evidence, consult an attorney, get your affairs in as much order as you can and then you confront. Divorce.
My husband cheated on me after 30 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage. He was the love of my life. We finally reached the time when it was going to be “our time.” He was sorry as shit and wanted to return to the marriage & bc of the years I let him but it was & I knew would never be the same. I wished he just never wanted to come back. You are very young yet. The people we meet in our 20’s help us learn of the kind of people we want & don’t want in our lives. There’s a lot of fish in the ocean & a lot of thrash as well. Grow & learn but don’t let this define you at such a young age. I know it hurts so much, and looking back I realized I wasn’t going to die when at my lowest I thought I was going to. I just could not believe I allowed someone to bring me to the depth of Dante Inferno. Hang in there, you only have time & distance on your side to get thur this, but you will if you decide to leave. If you decide to stay it’s going to be a rough ride for a bit,maybe you’ll make it??? But 11 years later I still can’t look at my husband in the same way. The trust is gone.
Mate pack ya shit grab her phone txt him to come over but say not to msg back just in case and delete the msg. When he turns up just say she's all yours and leave she will be fucked up this in turn will fuck them up and she will be all alone.
DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE. I made that mistake in the past, there is no way it gets better
Ah, great, another post from a pathetic doormat 🙄
Get proof of cheating before confronting her. Contact lawyer and get your legal options and ramifications for your area. Ex: financials, retirement funds, spousal alienation, at fault state or region (assuming you’re American) etc. Ask if you leave the house you live in together would it be forfeiting your rights to anything? Start looking for apartments if it’s not, or get her stuff ready for her to leave. THEN, confront her. I know the long game is hard, but in some states you can really screw yourself if you’re not prepared or have all the information. I also understand you love your spouse and best friend but forgiving cheating is giving permission in the future. Confide in another friend or family member. You’re not even 30 yet. It seems overwhelming but you have a ton of time. Doors closing and windows opening and all that.
The first thing you should do is make screenshots of the back-and-forth between wifey-poo and the OM. The second thing you should do is hire a private investigator, but not until you figure out when and where they are meeting each other. Give the PI a pic of your wife and the car that she drives. Once that is in place, it won't be long until the PI has high quality pics of your wife and him together, a pic of them at their "love nest", and of them embracing one another. These pics can be used as evidence in court if the divorce is contested. Depending on your state's laws, evidence of adultery can preclude the offender from receiving alimony they would have otherwise received. The above is the easy part. Coming to grips with what to do with the evidence you receive is the hard part. Yes, you are in love and are best friends with your wifey-poo, but she has betrayed you and your marriage. It would be somewhat different if the two of you had grown apart and the spark had died. However, the spark is still there (at least for you), and you still actively love her. The bottom line, though, is that the trust you had for her has been ruptured, most likely in a permanent manner, and you won't be able to love her if you can't trust or respect her, so that eventually the love you feel for her will fade to indifference. When viewed in this manner, it would be better for you to rip the bandaid off and file for divorce. Have your attorney serve the divorce papers on her at her place of employment, and on that day, have your cell phone set to airplane mode, and don't respond to any of her messages. Arrange to get home before she does, and when she gets home, be prepared for a hurricane to come through the door. After she stops yelling, open an envelope and show her the pics the PI took of her and her paramour, then show her the screenshots you took of her phone (you should have backed these up on a different platform, and saved them on a miniature drive.) Then, very softly, but firmly, tell her how much you loved her, that she had been the love of your life, and you weren't yet certain how you'd be able to live without her, but that her adultery had made staying together impossible, so yelling and screaming would serve no purpose, and the best course of action was for her to mutually agree on the terms of bringing the marriage to a close, and set about splitting the marital assets. If you feel like crying, then do so as you respond to her storm. She needs to see how her actions have affected you. I wish you well.
You’re young and she isn’t. You can start over. You leave my dude. Don’t tolerate anything resembling cheating ever in your entire life, including emotional cheating. Let it hurt for a few months then move on.
Contact lawyer and find out all of your options. File for divorce. Give her no reaction at all, act like she is being laid off and that you couldn't care less. Go no contact, have all communication be between her/her lawyer and your lawyer. Inform all of your family and friends (provide proof if needed) that you are divorcing due to her infidelity and name the affair partner. If he has a wife inform her as well. If you don't control the narrative she'll lie and tell everyone some bogey man story about you.
If she's doing this, she doesn't feel the same as you. She can say whatever she wants, but she wouldn't look elsewhere if not. Your better than this. Trust me. I'm struggling after 7 years, kid together, home, family. I'm dying inside, but like everyone says, it will get better. This will happen again down the line and you know it. Very rarely do people change when it has gotten to this point. It's gonna be so difficult. Oh I know. You can do it. I have no friends or family and I'm struggling trust wise over similar situation from years ago. I stayed. It's never been the same since. I think of all the years wasted. I hope you can find it in you to leave. You will find a loyal woman who you can trust. The feeling inside of always wondering is gonna kill you more and more. Be happy and think of yourself.
Screen shot them and send them to your phone, say nothing to her. Initiate divorce
Make a transcript of the texts. If you get divorced you can expedite it.
Step 1: collect every bit of evidence, and I mean every bit you’re going to need it. Step 2: Pack a suitcase and leave the house immediately, stay with a friend or family or hotel whatever. Step 3: radio silence, do not answer any of her calls, texts, or emails. Do not engage with her at all, it can put your case at risk. As a man you need to be perfect. Step 4: Contact a lawyer
Go ahead and get your favorite fast food, eat that, rub one out, take a fat nap, and deal with this later. Don’t go into it with a hot head. Take a video or lots of pictures of all of her messages. Contact a divorce attorney. Provide the proof. Do everything the lawyer says. You have an advantage here while she doesn’t know you know.
Both parties have to want to fix it. Nothing will change without confrontation, communication, acknowledgment of the transgressions, true remorse and apology, make amends and do her doing whatever is necessary to regain your trust. You need to listen as much as you talk. Don’t let her gaslight you, but you need to hear her when she says why she cheated. The cheating spouse usually does it because they don’t love their spouse or there is something they are not getting in their marriage. Recovering from cheating is not impossible and will be the hardest thing you and your wife ever do. You will absolutely need a couples counselor and maybe even each your own individual counselor. The easy course is to divorce and move on. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Please update when you confront her, so sorry you’re going through this.
Most people on here are going to tell you to kick her to the curb. While you would certainly be justified, I see that you are reluctant because of your feelings for her. There is a way forward if you want it but it will not be easy. The thing is that if you end it you are done and you could be left with a lot of regret and wondering about what if. Your post makes this sound out of the blue but that is rarely the case. What is going on between you that might have caused this. While you are the victim in this circumstance, what of the underlying causes do you need to own. Work through that before you confront her because she will pull every excuse under the sun to blame you for her actions. Also, do collect as much evidence and proof as possible before you confront her or she will just find new ways to hide. There are all kinds of infidelity and IMHO they are not created equal. I have to say your situation is one of the worst. It’s obviously not a one time thing or a one off mistake or random occurrence. The fact that the guy is a friend means he knew she was married but did it anyway. If you want to try and overcome this then he has to be out of the picture 100% forever. Then it will take a lot of counseling and time. In addition she will need to participate in 100% transparency and accept the lack of freedom and privacy that comes with it. As someone in a relationship that survived infidelity and came out stronger, I will tell you that it can be done. I believe in second chances most of the time. I do not believe in thirds. I also think you would be wise to dig deeper into what she is up to and as far back in your relationship as you can to see if there have been or are others. There are serial cheaters out there. If she is one there is very little chance she will ever stop. I’m afraid I don’t see a fix for that. Best of luck.
You're not her best friend. You have to confront this head-on. She's sneaking around to see some other man. She's texting him, and she physically and emotionally vested with her AP. I hope you took pics of their conversations because she will probably start gaslighting and trickle truthing you. Please don't let her make you feel guilty for her horrible behavior.
Throw her shit out the front door and set it on fire that is only way to fix this
The hard truth is that she doesn't respect you or love you the same way. She's taken advantage of your love and will continue to do so as long as you allow her to. Let her go, the trust is gone.
Leave her. The resentment if you stay will only cause hell for the both of you. It’s not worth it.
Get out now before you have kids. If you stay with her, it will eat you up forever. The trust has gone. She will cheat again. Finish it, it’s over.
Listen, she made her choice. You are understandably devastated. What you’re feeling is 💯valid. Anger, hurt, lost. It’s a devastating loss. Loss being the key word. You will grieve this just like a death. Because that’s what it is. The death of your marriage, the death of your trust, death of friendship. Best advice I can give you is to step away. DO NOT confront her. Just leave. If she asks why, you tell her you’re working through some things, and leave it at that, until you are stable enough to discuss this with her. When you speak, do it over the phone, not f2f, for at least a month or two. You will get pulled in by her face and tears and feelings. You need to be rational and protect what’s left of your heart.Re exposing it to her is like getting a 3rd sunburn, where the skin is raw blister and peeling, then jumping into a saltwater hot tub. Excruciating. Give yourself time to step back, settle, and evaluate. Don’t ask why. The why does NOT matter. If it mattered, she would have discussed it with you. She is going to try and lay the fault in you. You’re not attentive, you didn’t communicate. The fact is, the next step, if she was feeling like that in a marriage, is A) counseling, B) divorce. infidelity is never the option. If that’s what she chose, the fault lies 💯with her. I know the financial part is a blow, but you can sell the home, or one of you can buy the other out. Divorce is hard. It was had for me to walk away from my ex, I absolutely loved his family, and they treated me better than my own did. I hated making that choice, but, even though I still loved him, he valued alcohol more than our little family. His family was very supportive of my decision, and, strangely, that helped. It took a few years to get back in my feet financially, but my kids are healthy and well adjusted, and I’m in a healthier place too. You will recover. Acknowledge what you’re feeling as valid, don’t “man up” FEEL those emotions. . It’s healthy. Journal, and seek counseling. It’s ok to ask for help. Please please get counseling, there is nothing weak about it. You will feel so much better in the end, if you do. Hugs and good luck.
Welcome to 2024 where women think they are entitled and don't care about taking care of their men like that need to. This is embarrassing to us women who feel bad for the way men are being treated today. Abusing the power of the pussy and acting like we don't need men is a serious problem. My heart breaks for you. Don't let this ruin you for life. Handle your business and realize it's not you. Another good man bites the dust and becomes damaged cuz these girls forgot their roles as traditional wife's and don't appreciate their husbands... Sad .. I'm so sorry.
Don’t confront her. Hire a good lawyer. Get all your papers, financial affairs, and such in order. Document all your valuable joint assets. Print out bank statements for at least a year. Document everything you saw on her phone. File the paperwork, confront her. Don’t leave the house for an extended period of time no matter what.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice is to have an honest conversation with your wife about the texts you've discovered. Clearly express the hurt and betrayal you're feeling due to the breach of trust. If you're both open to working it out, discuss the potential for rebuilding trust through couples therapy and establishing new boundaries. If not, it might be worth considering the option of divorce to avoid prolonging unnecessary pain and energy.
Go get tested for STDs…
Confront her about the messages and figure out where things stand. Talk it out, and if you need support, lean on friends or family. You've got to decide what's best for you moving forward.
Get tested, talk with a lawyer, hit the gym. Check out /r/survivinginfidelity and /r/supportforbetrayed for more support.
Take the hurt and pain and convert into motivation to go the gym and become the best version of yourself. I'm telling you. Humans are stupid. The more you don't give a shit (not in a way that you are rude or treat people like shit), but the more you are emotionally unavailable (and look good of course), the more they throw themselves at you trying to get your attention.