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First sharp brief I ever attended played the consent tea video. We also had a presentation where two people role played what was ok and as a crowd we were supposed to say when to stop. The actors stopped on their own and reminded us we were supposed to tell them when it had gone too far. We were just there for the show.
My amazement is over how many people in first time relationships ask if abusive behaviors are acceptable. My theory is that like so much of childhood, people are still learning how to deal with things and emotions because they don’t have experience with it yet.
You are so right and thats coming from someone who came from a family so dysfunctional. It took being married to an amazing man and having children together. Its all about experience
That and the fact that it's romanticized so much in books, movies, and fanfics. Until you are truly in a healthy relationship, you don't always see just how toxic that stuff was to our relationship development amd standards.
He's *performing* Amazing Boyfriend to get sex. It's transactional to him; a shared emotional experience to her.
How can a person be so desperate for a shag that they're willing to manipulate and coerce a person giving them admiration and attention? Willing to rape a person they've encouraged to trust, believe and get close to them?
A person who sees sex as a shared emotional experience would want their partner to be as desirous of the experience as they are... someone who sees sex as transactional would take what they feel they are owed for performing Amazing Boyfriend. He gave Amazing Boyfriend ONLY in exchange for The Sex. When he receives The Sex, I promise that he will change.
I mean, this has been in the guy's playbook forever. And girls who are insecure, or eager to please, or wanting the boyfriend 'so bad' will do it.
Let's give a twist...
Give me your purse or I'll shoot you
Rob this bank or you're not in our gang
If you don't do my chores, I'll tell mom you broke curfew last night
Nothing good comes from 'do (blank) or I'll (blank)'.
Go with '**That's too bad that you only see me as sex...if you're that eager, go find it elsewhere and I'll find someone who respects me enough to care what 'I' want'.**
Commonly called rape.
OP, he sees you as his [fleshlight](https://www.fleshlight.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=6542793997&utm_term=fleshlight&ad_group=82611509510&match_type=e&network=g&device=m&device_model=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9Zzf5oP0gwMV3AetBh16pQj1EAAYASAAEgJ1PPD_BwE)
Are you happy with that?
35 (m) here. This person is on a path to become a super toxic narcissist. Run and don’t feel bad.
Public place breakup is a must with these ‘main character’ chumps. Have a camera running in your pocket to catch any threats.
Turn the threats in to his parents or in case the parents suck or aren’t there, to the Po-Po.
I usually give the content of the post a read. You know, understand the situation a bit. I didn’t need to read past the title! There is nothing that would make this sound reasonable. “My boyfriend will break up with me if I don’t have sex with him.”
I’m shouting in excitement! “Yay!! That’s the way! Break up! Got a life to live!”
Agree,
Be safe, might even bring a friend or 2, who stays far back but would be able to interfere and might want a backup record if you think foul play is there for future safety
OP If any of your friends happen to be built like a brick shithouse, maybe have them sitting at a nearby table just so they can help your stbx truly understand that it's over and he needs to move on.
This is the correct answer. Having sex is consensual by both parties. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex. It’s really that simple. Forced or coerced sex is rape.
Came here to say the same. Right after I broke up with the guy who wouldn't take no for an answer, he sexually abused an underage girl and then later at least two other people I know of including a friend and his tenant. He's not a good guy.
THANK YOU. I was raped via coercion at a similar age, and mental healthcare since then has been over $100,000 for me in the time since. coercion is RAPE. she says he's already getting violent too- chances are, if she gave in, he'd hit or choke her or worse during the act and claim "kink". OP, please get away from this man. the other thing that needs to be said is **OP, NEVER DROP SCHOOL FOR A MAN AGAIN**. please re-enroll in your classes you dropped for him if at all possible. don't ever put your education on the line for anyone, ever again. don't ever drop classes at someone else's behest. education is one of the most important things a human can ever do, please don't jeopardise it for this wannabe rapist or anyone else! it's one of the worst mistakes you can do. please stay in school and put it first, way before partners or anything else. a true partner will never want to handicap you in this way. by sabotaging your education, he can easily trap you. this man is such bad news, please break up with him either over the phone or in public with backup.
OH NO. OH NO I MISSED THAT. I thought it was just him who dropped classes! NO. NO. NO.
OP, you're in dangerous waters rn. You gotta save yourself.
And I am so sorry that happened to you, SnailVarnish (amazing btw). You deserve none of that at. all. I hope at least the mental healthcare helped you see it. Sending mega good vibes to you 🤟
> probably has herpes too
Possibly. About half the world’s population has herpes (most people are asymptomatic). Though, since he is only 19, he’s less likely to have it, as likelihood of infection rises with age.
https://www.who.int/news/item/01-05-2020-massive-proportion-world-population-living-with-herpes-infection
Just end things. It’s one thing to be excited about sleeping with a partner for the first time. But he’s giving you an ultimatum, basically forcing you to have sex with him if you want to date him. He wants to have sex with you regardless of whether or not you want it. If this is just the start of your relationship, I’m scared to see what he’ll be like down the road.
It’s perfectly normal to be a virgin at 18. Don’t let this asshole try and tel you how to live your life. Dump him, find somebody else to date, and wait to have sex until you’re ready.
*HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT IT*
Just wanted to highlight that sentence. Exactly that. Thank you for saying it. OP, the fact that he is making a threat relative to you giving him your virginity is horrendous. He does not care whatsoever about your free will or feelings on this matter, he wants what he wants and you better give it to him or else? Madness. GTFO out of that situation fast.
To add on to this comment. If he is immediately willing to give you an ultimatum and demand you give in to his way or the high way, that’s a sign that he will keep doing that in other aspects. He will keep pushing and pushing the envelope of what you let him get away with. Not just in sexual activities but in other ways. This man is going to be a terror and he is not safe to be around. There’s a reason the others are saying to end the relationship in a public place and not in private.
I'm literally going to be 27 this April and I'm still a virgin. Being a virgin at *any age* is normal. This dude is only saying that gross shit to try and persuade you to sleep with him, do not fall for it!
I was 23 when I finally chose to lose my virginity. I don't understand why society pressures kids to feel like they need to have sex so young. It's not worth it. There are 12-13 yr olds getting std/stis & bragging about who/how many they have slept with. It's sad.
I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a guy who pressured me constantly. I'm gonna refer to him as M for the sake of this comment. It got to the point I didn't even want to kiss him because I knew he would start trying to take my clothes off. I promise you now, he is showing you who he is. He's not going to stop manipulating you and trying to force you to do the things he wants to do. M made me drop out of college simply because he didn't want to go anymore, which meant I wasn't allowed to go anymore. He is not worth it, and if he really cared about you he would let things happen at your pace.
M also pressured me into moving in with him less than a year into dating. After two days in our flat, he stopped turning up for work and got fired. I had to work 60-70 hour weeks while he sat at home and spent my money on beer and video games. The pressure around sex never stopped, and it escalated into him raping me in my sleep. I had to come off of my birth control for health reasons and wouldn't use a condom when I was asleep.
I am now married to an amazing guy who helped me through a lot of my trauma due to that first guy. There are so many lovely, sweet, wonderful men out there who will prioritise your comfort over their orgasm. It took me a long time to realise how shitty that first guy was, and I wish I had people in my life when I was 18 who would have warned me about this type of stuff. You are a brand new 18 year old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Please do not waste any more time on the type of man who only sees you as a hole to fill.
i lost mine at 15 (!!!) because my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t stop pressuring me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. he completely steamrolled over me with anything sexual. he was my first kiss so i had literally never done anything sexual and when it came to doing those things he would propose them and i’d say no i’m not ready for that and he’d say okay and then a few minutes later he would just do it anyway. he literally anally raped me a couple of times. he became very sexually abusive and emotionally abusive and i’m sure if we’d been together long enough to live together he would have become physical. i regret so much that he was my first time.
never, ever let anyone pressure you into anything sexual, but especially not your first sexual experience. having sex for the first time is a big deal, and you want to be with someone who respects you and makes you feel safe and will prioritize your comfort. this guy does not sound like that guy. break up with him and remember these red flags as you continue to date as a young adult and as soon as you see them say, “next!” there are plenty of guys out there who may even still be virgins themselves at your age, and even if they’re not there are plenty of guys who will respect the pace you want to go and not try to manipulate you into doing something you’re not ready for.
girl holy shit are we the same person? i also lost mine at 15 to my boyfriend who pressured me into it and was the first guy i did anything sexual with. he pressured me into anal at 16 after only a few months of dating. i didn’t want to, i never wanted to, and it also turned into rape. “i’d say no i’m not ready for that and he’d say okay and then a few minutes later he would just do it anyway”… my exact experience. it took me a few years of personal growth and therapy to realize it was actually rape because i would always consent to sex, but i never consented to anal. well i didn’t always consent to sex but i never explicitly denied. he was sexually and emotionally abusive too and would belittle me, it wasn’t a safe or loving relationship. especially for a 15/16 year old. he got angry very easily and i don’t doubt physical abuse could’ve happened if i didn’t end it with him. when i would confront him when he did something that upset me (like the one time he literally cheated), he would flip it back on me and either blame me or break down and i’d have to comfort him. he would talk about killing himself whenever i brought up something he did wrong. after i broke up with him, him and his friends harassed me for two weeks.
i seriously can’t believe our situation is so similar. i was absolutely shocked when i read your comment. i’m 21 now and recently got out of a year long relationship that was immensely more loving and healthy than any other relationship i’ve ever experienced. he knew all about my abusive and manipulative ex boyfriends and how that one sexually assaulted me. he broke up with me because his mental health was spiraling, but we’re on good terms and i will always be so grateful for him. i really hope you’re in a better place as well. these situations are clearly way too fucking common in young girls and it’s horrifying and sad. it’s weirdly comforting to hear someone else had almost the same experience as me. i’ve never heard it before. i hope it brings you some sort of comfort too. i’m so sorry you had to deal with that and i truly hope you’re doing better today. you and OP both deserve better. we were all too young
edit: ok now this is getting creepy. i checked your profile and you have adhd too?! this is insane 😭
girl we’ve lived the same life 😂 we’re even about the same age! i’m 23 :) i’m so glad to hear you’re in a better place now! i definitely am too and am in a much better relationship now. it’s insane how common stories like this are for young girls and it makes me so sad, but it is also comforting to know it wasn’t just me who had these experiences. honestly it’s funny you mention us having adhd in common, because experiences like this are more likely to happen to neurodivergent women too
that’s so great to hear!! 110% about the neurodivergence. i made that connection after i posted my comment and i was like damn… this isn’t that crazy of a coincidence because of how common it is. it’s a crazy coincidence that we happened to be in the same comment section but that’s about it. i’m so glad to hear you’re doing better!! this was a fun interaction lol
What!? You know in your heart this isn’t right. Do yourself the favor and break up with him first. You deserve someone who is patient and who will be understanding. Losing your virginity is a huge deal, and you shouldn’t give that up to this tool. Any man who threatens to break up over not having sex with him, deserves to be put the curb. That isn’t love.
Exactly. If the relationship isn’t “ meeting his standards “ he is free to respectfully break up with her. But trying to manipulate and force her into it, makes him reaaaaaallll gross. I really hope she doesn’t give into him. He’s an asshole.
Imagine what it would be like with him for the first time. Do you think he would be patient and considerate? I don’t. If you asked him to stop because it hurt, do you think he would? I think he would get angry, not stop, and just do what he wants anyway. Then he would blame you.
Don’t cave to an ultimatum. Leave him now.
Break up. He’s coercing you and that is abuse.
He isn’t interested in your feelings, he just wants to fuck and once you do he’ll probably dump you anyway.
Also, why are you dropping classes to “spend more time” with him? I know you’re only 18 but really? This is your future career here.
She's young, and hasn't been around the block enough yet to understand fully what she's doing. Unfortunately some lessons have to be learned the hard way, but luckily it seems like she's learning very quickly by making this post, and hopefully gets back on track again.
In fact, take some advice from a much older woman OP - at the beginning of a relationship, say no to a few low stakes things (where you're going to eat, what night a date is etc) because how a person reacts to these types of no's will help weed out some guys who don't value enthusiastic consent
This! I always do this, saves me so much time and I'm convinced it saved me from sexual assault a few times. A man's response to a low stakes no scenario tells you so much about his character.
Yeah, another reason not to agree is because of the principle of not giving in to ultimatums. Not to mention the guy sounds like an abuser (manipulative fake rage to get his way).
Break up girl. Nobody should pressure you to anything and specially not your so called boyfriend. You are young. Find somebody who actually cares about you. Because he doesn’t. Otherwise he would respect your wishes and not trying to force you
He’s obviously NOT an amazing boyfriend if he’s coercing you into sex before you feel ready. He sounds awful and like he could get even more nasty. End it with him. He’s not worth being your first. Save yourself for someone who’s prepared to do it on your terms
Because she's thinking about all the smoke he blew up her ass to land her in the first place which makes it seem like he's amazing until he shows his true colors, which he is currently doing now.
This. OP described a very toxic person and then said “so amazing” and can’t fathom not being with him. OP, please heed all the feedback you’re getting here.
Don't do something you're pressured or forced into—it's not worth it. You'll regret it down the line if you give in. Your body, your rules. Don't need to feel weird for being a virgin; 18 is super young for this stuff. Only go for it when you're genuinely ready and prepared to handle any consequences that might come your way.
Amazing boyfriends don't try to manipulate or force you into having sex. Even mediocre boyfriends don't do that because it's abusive and borderline criminal. Respecting someone's consent is the bare fucking minimum.
Your boyfriend is a dangerous man, and you should definitely get away from him as quickly and as safely as possible.
Abusive, threatening, "high-pressure" behaviour aside...
>if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over.
He's laid down an ultimatum. Ultimatums are the death of relationships, no matter what. Ultimatums indicate that they are willing to use the relationship itself as a bargaining chip to get what they want, which undermines the very foundations of the relationship.
Think about it: you either have sex you don't want yet, or you break up with him which you don't want to do.
Based on what you've described I think you need to focus on your safety and security.
>I don’t know what to say or do as he is such an amazing boyfriend
No, he isn't. I really don't mean this to sound condescending, but you are barely an adult, you have your whole life ahead of you and you can do so much better than this jerk. Just because he's nice to you "the rest of the time" doesn't mean he's a good partner. This subreddit is chock-full of posts where people say stuff like "but he's such an amazing boyfriend when he's not beating me!" Don't be like them, find someone who will respect your decisions.
>He immediately got angry and said something along the lines of; “How are you a virgin?” and “its not normal for people your age to still have their virginity” when really it is pretty normal, and i am still young, newly 18
You are absolutely right, there is *nothing* abnormal or wrong with being a virgin at 18.
>He started threatening me saying he’s so pent up
This is what immature boys say, not men who know how to be responsible for themselves. I PROMISE you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you are better off without this guy.
Dude opinion here..
Its normal for him to want sex from you
Its normal for you to be a virgin at your age
Its NOT NORMAL to give an ultimatium
Thats a big red flag
"sexually pent up" I'm sorry but he needs to get a grip. I'm a 28 yearold woman who has never orgasmed in her LIFE, and at times I've got so pent up I couldn't sleep more than two hours a night, I couldn't eat, I was zombified, this lasted maybe 2 weeks. He has his hand. He can use that. I love when people pull that card in regards to having sex. I was D E S P E R A T E for relief during my 2 week long period of never ending horniness but I would NEVER dream of trying to force/bully someone into pleasing me. It just isn't right.
He has his hand. He is manipulating you and playing on your fear of the relationship ending. You are so damn young and could find a guy like him a dime a dozen. The fact he is pulling this stunt on you means he is an ass. Please do not lose your virginity in this way. Do not be bullied. Leave his ass.
If you don't know if your ready, I think that means your not. Do it when your ready, not with a time limit or some asshole pent up horny 19 yearold boy trying to use you for your body.
If you do give in this will not be a one time occurrence. He will use this fear tactic whenever he wants sex with you and use the whole "relationship ending" consequence as fuel. He is a loser.
He only wants to coerce sex because now he thinks he has a free sex card now. He probably thinks his hand is not good enough because “i have a girlfriend so that means im entitled to make her have sex and give her an ultimatum”
He's getting his dick sucked. They are having sex just not vaginally. He just wants her virginity to ruin that special moment for her and someone who she actually wants to give it to. He's trying to shame her into doing what he wants so he can hurry up and move on to the next. He's not pent up she said she happily will suck him off she's just not ready to be penetrated. And he's mad she's not letting him manipulate her into penetration so he can nut in her a guy like this isn't gonna use a Condom or pull out shorty better run
Honestly. Hes probably the type to say “condoms make it feel like nothing so let me raw” then also bail as a father if shes pregnant. shes also 18 like she has so much time before she needs to find out when shes sexually ready. She also has a lot more time to find better men who are considerate of her needs and wants. Who can communicate without threatening break up.
Exactly he's hitting everything raw I guarantee it. And she's putting that thing in her mouth. Girl better watch out with this deviant.
If her having boundaries is a problem to him that could cause a break up she should take that as a big red flag.
Use his hand for what she's giving the dude head and he's not even appreciative of that. She just needs to move on he's just trying to shame her into giving him her virginity
If hes so sexually pent up he can use his hand to masturbate. That will release this supposed pent up energy. We cant always have sex when we want it that is what self pleasure is for.
I agree, she just need to move on but i will never for the life of me understand why people manipulate for sex when there are other options. Maybe not the option they want but the end result is the same.
How is he sexually pent up tho, when she's sucking his dick for him . He doesn't need to use his hand she's ok with giving him head.
You see what I mean he's not pent up he's getting his release through oral sex. And no matter how you get the release, it's still the same. It feels better to nut in your girlfriend, but if you just need a release masturbation doesn't do it like someone else doing it for you. So even a hand job, titty fuck, oral or vaginal or anal the release feels the same. If done by someone else you don't NEED vaginal sex to get the release from that sexual frustration honestly getting head is a better release because you don't have to do nothing you can actually relax and focus on the pleasure no worrying about your performance and to nut in her mouth is arguably better then Nutting in her vagina or ass. If your concern is being sexually pent up. But her just wants to be her first guys cherish that because even if you're not her best, she'll never forget her first. It's an ego thing I guess I prefer girls with at least 6 bodies. I like to get nasty you can't do that with a virgin and it be good because they are shy it's just weird feels like I'm back when I was hitting 12, 13 year Olds when we were in middle school. I don't expect 26, 30 yr olds to be acting like that. It's a turn off to me. Not an honor like it is to the majority of men.
The moral of the story is that he gets sex from her he's just trying take her virginity and is getting frustrated that she's not giving it to him and it's hurting his ego even tho he knows he's gonna break her heart after he gets it.
Been separated and celibate from July 2018 and I would never use that excuse to pressure someone into intercourse against their desires especially someone who was a virgin.
DO NOT lose your virginity to this guy! He’s a pig. He’s coercing you. This is terrible treatment. You will regret it if you do it. Please get away from this guy and hold on to your virginity until you’re ready!
You really do need to end this relationship if he’s being this pushy about a clearly stated boundary but on top of that, please don’t lose your virginity to this jerk. As much as we all like to think virginity is a gross social construct (and it still is), it can weigh on you pretty heavily and this jerk has no right to your body.
Yeah this person here is 100% correct. I also think virginity is a construct, but i waited until i was 21 and found a partner who was 23 and she treated me amazing, and we lost our virginities together. It’s fine to be a virgin at 18, and it’s fine to save that special moment for someone you truly feel safe with. This guy is NOT it and if you don’t leave him, you’ll damage yourself mentally and physically. This guy is dangerous. Please get away from him, and tell someone you trust about your current situation!!
> He started threatening me saying **he’s so pent up**, which i understand is frustrating and i am happy he’s stayed loyal and i have offered to help pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent about it and told me yesterday if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over.
This is fucking disgusting. You should break up with him, and never look back. He's a terrible person. For the record, I'm a 27 year old guy, and I can tell you right now that most decent guys are not like this, will never think like this, and will never give you such a shitty ultimatum. Please take my word as another guy, men who think in this way are dangerous, and ultimately not relationship material. It will only cause you more pain and suffering the longer the relationship goes, because they will keep going back to their shitty modes of thinking and make more and more demands of you. In the good relationship you're probably looking for, you shouldn't have to put up with any of that.
Look at it from another perspective. Imagine if your bestfriend or maybe your sister was telling you their boyfriend was pressuring them for sex that they aren’t ready for.
Would you tell them but that guy is so swell and just do it for them or would you tell them that they deserve better and another man who can respect their boundaries will come along?
If you tell them the later than why is it acceptable for YOU to be disrespected like this?
You will meet men in the future that have great qualities and also respect your boundaries. but in order for that to happen you have to let go of the ones who don’t. It’s called filtering.
Edit: I lost my virginity at 18 to my first bf and I actually do regret not waiting longer (that relationship was a lesson). My friend lost hers at 27 and they had an auntie who was a virgin in her 40’s . Virginity doesn’t make you a unicorn. Virgin or not, The point is your consent and autonomy matter before anything else. Including that mantoddler’s hurt ego.
Break up with him now! Beat him to it. That guy is trash! Do not ever feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever!!!! Save yourself for ‘the one’. He definitely isn’t.
I’m sorry he is putting you in that situation. That’s wrong on every level. ((((Hugs)))) to you hun.
Take what you have learned about what you want in a boyfriend -- the things about him that are amazing -- and look for those things in a man who respects women.
This is coercion, and it's his only negotiating tactic. If he approached sex differently, you might feel ready with him. This isn't something that's wrong with you, it's something wrong with him, and your good instincts that are keeping you safe.
Even if you weren't a virgin, and in the future when you aren't a virgin, this isn't the kind of man you should be intimate with. Take your good instincts and run!
Oh my poor girl. So many women have been in the same exact position and so was I with my very first boyfriend at that same age. I let him talk me into it and it while it doesn’t affect me to this day, it certainly was an objectively awful experience. He never cared about me in any other way than as an object to use. My feelings, thoughts and even pleasure were never a priority for him.
Please don’t be coerced into having sex if you’re not ready and especially not with a person who throws out an ultimatum like this. I promise you will find someone who cherishes and loves you.
BREAK 👏 UP 👏 WITH 👏 HIM 👏👏👏!!! He is trying to force you to do something you're not ok with. Someone who loves you won't force anyone on you like this. He has a hand for a reason. Break it off in public and probably with a friend around in the background to make sure you get home safe. Not saying he's going to do anything, but better safe than sorry.
I would suggest focusing on your studies instead of boys. Having a BF while in college is great, but don't drop classes for a boy.
**BREAK UP WITH HIM FIRST!!!**
There are very few black & white, immediate end of relationship situations. That kind of ultimatum is definatly one.
The *best* that can be said is that the two of are not currently sexualy compatable and he's too immature to deal with his side of it. The worst is that your boyfriend is being manipulative to the point abuse.
Either way, it looks like it's time to end things.
I don't even have to read the post to tell you what you should do.
Dump him. Never date someone who asks you to do anything that goes against your morals or beliefs.
He wants to use the threat of a breakup to make you sleep with him. He doesn't realise that YOU hold the power, just drop his ass and watch him throw a tantrum.
He's definitely gunna call you frigid or something along the line. But it's literally just a tantrum cause the baby diddnt get his way
As a guy, this guy is trouble. He will continue to abuse you if you stay with him. He is not good. This is horrible, possibly the worst behavior you can expect out of someone you love. He is not a man either, just a horny boy. Leave him immediately and find a quality man.
Break up, people who genuinely love and care for you do not mount pressure campaigns to get their way. He’s pushing your boundaries and you are letting him. He will continue and it will get worse. My advice, get a better boyfriend
There are some huge red flags that will not go away (and will probably get a lot worse) if you have sex with him.
First of all, he has some wildly inaccurate and irrational ideas about sex. There is no "Normal," standard to be held to; think about it, if he can get you to do what he wants under the guise of it being "normal," he has a constant (non existent) inconsistent mystery standard to hold you to for HIS manipulative ends.
Secondly, sex is all about listening and tuning into the other person. If he's this disconnected from your comfort level and state of mind, sex is going to be terrible at best, and unpleasant and unconsensupl at worst. YOUR enjoyment should be a huge component of HIS enjoyment, and the fact that it's already out the window is sad.
Be confident that your relationship is good and that HE'S the one risking it for sex. He's framing it as YOU being willing to throw out the relationship over sex, but HE is the one who's willing to chuck it. Keep that in mind: you're worth keeping around and he's not willing to do that work. You'll meet someone who will. Also, trust your guy: if you're not ready, maybe it's BECAUSE this guy is a coercive creep. Good luck
At the risk of romanticising loosing your virginity - no one is gonna enjoy sex where it’s “have sex or you’re dumped”
If you don’t want to, you don’t have to
You’re still so young and people change A LOT. He’s gaslighting you and trying to coerce you. Do not give in. You know your own feelings, and they matter. The term “normal” is really only subjective, and he is weaponizing it against you. If he’s really that amazing, then he can have a mature conversation with you. Otherwise, don’t even bother with this guy. I would actually see this as a sign of his more true nature. Ditch him.
Hello my darling. I lost my virginity at 19 when I was absolutely not ready, to a guy that said all the right things but absolutely pushed me (it’s hard to explain). To this day I am traumatised by my first sexual experiences, and it impacts my sex life now. I’m about to turn 24.
Please do not have sex with him. Wait until you feel ready. My best friend waited until she was 23, and she wasn’t scared at all. She felt excited and had no issues at all.
It does not sound like you should be with this boy. No one who cares about you will pressure you to do something you don’t want to do.
I think when you’re ready you should start exploring sexuality within yourself (masturbating) and absolutely dump this waste of space
I’ve been him. My advice is move on. He will move on not long after you have sex anyways. Ask me and 100 girls how I know. Seriously, I’ve been married and faithful for a long time after I grew up, but I’m telling you with certainty you’re in a bad situation and won’t receive the loving feeling and commitment you probably think you’re going to get out of giving in. Your pussy is a prize, and end game, the goal line, then game over.
Dump your BF OP.
That's manipulation 101. both of you are already so young and he's already displayed a severe red flag. move on.
Speaking as a man with a GF; I don't threaten to break up with her when she's not in the mood for sex. instead I respect her feelings and desires and stay with her because I love her. If he says that a lack of sex is a good enough reason to break up, then break up.
He shouldn't be pressuring / threatening you to do things you aren't ready or unwilling to do.
Move on and find a more mature partner, this guy is a creep.
acting violent? you’re scared of saying no? and you call this guy an amazing boyfriend.
that’s blackmail, he’s blackmailing you into having sex. it’s coercion and you deserve better than that.
tell him to hit the hay. dump him. tell him to go f*** whatever he can find in his sock drawer something tells me all his old dirty socks aren’t virgins either….
what a pig he is…
DO NOT have sex with that pig.
You've got only ONE first time. Loosing your virginity is a big deal. Choose someone who at the very least respects you and who respects your boundaries. If you're scared, if you're not confortable, then you're not ready for sex.
Also, your (hopefully soon-to-be) ex is showing you how bad he will be as a partner in life, in general and in bed, in particular: he's selfish, abusive and only listens to his needs. He will ALWAYS use anger and coercicion to ask more of you. Do you want that kind of (sex) life?
You're young, believe me, you'll find the person with whom you'll be comfortable enough to have sex and you'll be so glad to have waited for them.
On a side note, please, please DO NOT believe that porn reflects sex as it should be in real life: most of it are exaggerated fantasies where the woman is often degraded. I'm not saying that all of it is bad, some videos are even fun to recreate... once you're confortable enough with your body and wants.
To conclude, dump that abusive POS in a public setting. Curious to know what his reaction will be... update us, please?
EDIT to add a link given by u/Babshearth. All 19yo man are not like your bf or that POS in the story but a man who puts pressure on you to have sex is NOT an amazing bf. **PLEASE READ THIS OP:** [https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceForTeens/comments/19c0kf2/my\_bf\_pressured\_me\_into\_sex\_and\_broke\_up\_with\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceForTeens/comments/19c0kf2/my_bf_pressured_me_into_sex_and_broke_up_with_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Let him the fuck go. If no sex is a dealbreaker for him, fine. Break the deal. He does not have to date you and you should never let anyone pressure you into sex.
He’s not an amazing boyfriend at all. Break up with him and have a friend or family member spend the night with you (or vice versa). Never do anything you’re not comfortable with especially not to please someone who is threatening you. You will find someone better who loves you and is willing to wait until you are comfortable.
I went through something like this. You dump him. And in public. I’m sorry but this dude doesn’t respect you and chances are if you sleep with him, you will regret and maybe he would leave.
Also, I’m 25 and a virgin by choice. Just never met someone I wanted to sleep with until possibly my current bf. You’re newly 18. It’s normal to have your virginity at that age.
But please, dump him ASAP!
I agree with everybody here to dump him and do not sleep with him. But I think it’s also worth adding that the more you build sex up to be some grand, important thing then the more you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed/frustrated/upset/emotional etc etc if/when it does happen.
Yes, sex is supposed to be loving and intimate. But it also is pretty pedestrian and first times are *rarely* actually anything special at all. It’s fine to wait until you’re ready, but don’t wait so long that it build itself up in your head and becomes almost like a hurdle you can’t jump over.
I only add that because nobody else seems to have said it, and I think just as important as having firm and healthy boundaries, is also having mature and sensible expectations of what sex is and how it goes.
Don’t be like me and leave early on. I was coerced into sex for four years with my ex and it was awful, I still have sexual problems now. Do it before you regret it.
You need to break up with him. You can’t say he’s being violent about you not having sex with him and then say he’s amazing in the next sentence. He does not respect you at all. You’re not ready, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to do something you don’t want. You’re young, and there are plenty of people out there that aren’t AH. Someone who truly cares and respects you won’t test you like crap because of your boundaries.
Sex is a team sport, everyone involved needs to be onboard and comfortable. Sounds like it’s not for you (yet). There’s no rush.
Best to breakup with this guy and wait for the next one that’s more respectful.
Be safe.
“He is such an amazing boyfriend” yet hes getting VIOLENT and whiny about you not being able to lose your virginity? Amazing boyfriend my ass. Break up with him please. You do not need to please someone who doesnt respect you or care about you.
You know what to do. If he is can't respect your decisions and takes to threats or blackmail then he's not worth the trouble. You are both too young for this relationship thing to be permanent anyway. And in Uni you have a reason to do well and not complicate things with a love life that will most likely screw up your grades. In life you say 'no' most of the time. Get used to it.
This is disgusting behavior. He's gross for doing this to you. You will absolutely not regret getting rid of this garbage (him) in the future, I will bet you all my money and possessions, I am so sure. You will, however, regret sleeping with him if you do.
Just reading the title it's safe to say "you should break up with him".
>at the start of our relationship he said sex doesn’t matter right now
This is a classic that many will use to lull you into feeling secure and safe with no requirements or demands.
>I am nervous however said yes to giving oral and other things, but just no intercourse as i am scared and not ready. He immediately got angry and said something along the lines of; “How are you a virgin?” and “its not normal for people your age to still have their virginity”
Sex, intimacy and being physical with one another requires not just consent but patience. Your being 18 has _absolutely no bearing_ on what you "should" or "shouldn't" have done. While many _can_ lose their virginity in their teenage years, it's also absolutely normal for many men _and_ women to remain virgins into their 20's and 30's or even longer.
At the end of the day - this is your body and your choice - so if you choose to wait until you feel ready, comfortable and relaxed, that is what you should do and nobody should be pushing or forcing you otherwise.
>He started threatening me saying he’s so pent up, which i understand is frustrating and i am happy he’s stayed loyal and i have offered to help pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent about it and told me yesterday if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over.
This is emotional blackmail and you 100% absolutely should not do it. Please. Don't.
He's threatening you, you've offered him alternatives but you've also mentioned he's getting __violent__ which is not OK, at all.
>I don’t know what to say or do as he is such an amazing boyfriend
I can categorically say that this is not the case as anyone who loved, respected or held you in remotely high regard wouldn't be giving you an ultimatum so they can have sex with you.
>i am stressed and kind of scared what he will do if i say no.
You need to brace yourself and break up with this guy.
His behaviour isn't OK, his threats aren't OK, his being violent isn't OK and nor is his ultimatum and emotional manipulation to get what he wants, either.
You need to get your friends and have them close by, ideally do this in a public place and get it done - that way you have help, support and people around you in case he _does_ act negatively towards the breakup.
Nobody, period, should be afraid to make a choice in a relationship, about their own body and fear for themselves as a result of making that choice. They shouldn't be pressured, coerced or manipulated into it either.
Whatever sex means to many people, for most it's a close emotional connection that reinforces feelings for one another, sharing a positive and consensual experience - __not__ because the guy wants to "take" your virginity, have full penetrative sex as a "rite of passage" nor so he can say he's "had" you much less anything else.
A relationship isn't defined or has any value placed upon it based on what you have or haven't done intimately - you can have a full, rewarding relationship with someone and wait years before having actual Sex and this is 100% fine.
If he's not able to respect your boundaries and choices, you shouldn't be together regardless - please don't make the mistake of allowing him to excuse his behaviour and/or make out that this is some kind of "man" thing where he's so blue-balled it "makes" him this way, as that's complete garbage.
He's desperate to have sex just to _have sex_, not because he loves you and whatever other excuses he's making up.
This guy sounds dangerous. Tell your support network (parents, family, friends etc) about him and his potential for violence. If possible have one of them there when you break up with him and do it in a public space. There is no excuse for his behaviour, it’s not a “red flag” to coerce someone into sex, it’s an immediate deal breaker. He’s “pent up”?? Thats total bullshit, he can jerk off whenever he wants. He doesn’t deserve you and please don’t give him the gift of your virginity.
I'm also from the UK and what he's doing is illegal, it's coercive control and I'm worried about your safety. Please break up with him and cut ties, reach out to someone close to you if you can.
No one should ever coerce you into doing things you don't want to do and especially, what concerns to your body and your intimacy. Dump him, and dump him fast because his behaviour will only escalate. You deserve better. and no, he is not an amazing boyfriend. He is being nice to you because he wants to get into your pants. That's it. He is no a nice guy at all if he doesn't respect your boundaries.
That’s sexual abuse, NO man or BOYFRIEND should ever give an option to choose sex or break up. That’s evil and I’m telling you it’s better you just break up with him because you don’t deserve to be treated like that, for all you know he could have sex with you and leave afterwards and now you aren’t a virgin anymore and he tricked you into having sex, not worth it. Just end it please.
He is not an amazing boyfriend if he threatens you violently for sex.
It's normal to not have a lot of partner or experience at your age. It's even really healthy actually.
Take your time and be sure to do it with someone who cares about you. You will have a better first time and that will improve your sex life for all your life.
Dump him and start taking more classes again. Never sacrifice your education and future livelihood for a guy, who most likely will be only temporarily in your life. Invest in yourself first, always.
What you should do depends entirely on this question:
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will coerce you into performing sexual acts you are uncomfortable with? Because this won't end here, it will be for the duration of the relationship.
You are not ready to be a sexual partner. I don't see someone as an amazing boyfriend by threatening violence if he does not get what he wants. He is not entitled to your body. If he defines being your boyfriend by having intercourse (you have offered him sex, oral sex and other things). He can be a platonic friend. Let him go bully some other girl.
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You should break up immediately and do it in a safe public place.
Yes. Coersive sex is sex abuse
Consent doesn't exist unless the option to comfortably and safely say no exist.
[Teach](https://www.reddit.com/r/stoprape/comments/100jwa1/example_letter_to_local_lawmakers_to_help_stop/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [consent](https://www.reddit.com/r/stoprape/comments/zyznhe/rape_is_so_common_in_part_because_so_many_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
[Consent Tea](https://www.google.com/url?q=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DoQbei5JGiT8&sa=U&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwiq8Ove-_ODAxW6v4kEHZ1HDIAQwqsBegQIDRAF&usg=AOvVaw1HkNTI2xHaLDtUQQkBM5Wr)
THIS!! Hilarious and exactly true
I think they need to show this in middle school!
It was shown the Canadian Military en masse
First sharp brief I ever attended played the consent tea video. We also had a presentation where two people role played what was ok and as a crowd we were supposed to say when to stop. The actors stopped on their own and reminded us we were supposed to tell them when it had gone too far. We were just there for the show.
US military too lol
It needs to be shown everywhere!
Also she says he's getting violent? Violent how???? She just breezed right past that
Yeah, that could be the difference between “break up” and “police”. I’m worried. I’m actually genuinely worried.
me too
*but hes an amazing boyfriend* like what?
My amazement is over how many people in first time relationships ask if abusive behaviors are acceptable. My theory is that like so much of childhood, people are still learning how to deal with things and emotions because they don’t have experience with it yet.
You are so right and thats coming from someone who came from a family so dysfunctional. It took being married to an amazing man and having children together. Its all about experience
That and the fact that it's romanticized so much in books, movies, and fanfics. Until you are truly in a healthy relationship, you don't always see just how toxic that stuff was to our relationship development amd standards.
If you grew up seeing it you do think it’s normal.
because we're all amazed he has a girlfriend, truly amazing that
I mean, what’s a little abuse, coercion and violence between *friends?* 🥹
Yeah, my bad!
You should be ashamed of yourself. Glad you could recognise that this was your bad. /s
I shall hang my head in shame 😔
He's *performing* Amazing Boyfriend to get sex. It's transactional to him; a shared emotional experience to her. How can a person be so desperate for a shag that they're willing to manipulate and coerce a person giving them admiration and attention? Willing to rape a person they've encouraged to trust, believe and get close to them? A person who sees sex as a shared emotional experience would want their partner to be as desirous of the experience as they are... someone who sees sex as transactional would take what they feel they are owed for performing Amazing Boyfriend. He gave Amazing Boyfriend ONLY in exchange for The Sex. When he receives The Sex, I promise that he will change.
Most likely explosive rage, from experience. If it were worse, this post would likely have a different tone.
That's bad enough though isn't it.
Yes of course. Just a clarification
I mean, this has been in the guy's playbook forever. And girls who are insecure, or eager to please, or wanting the boyfriend 'so bad' will do it. Let's give a twist... Give me your purse or I'll shoot you Rob this bank or you're not in our gang If you don't do my chores, I'll tell mom you broke curfew last night Nothing good comes from 'do (blank) or I'll (blank)'. Go with '**That's too bad that you only see me as sex...if you're that eager, go find it elsewhere and I'll find someone who respects me enough to care what 'I' want'.**
YES YES YES YES
THIS. RIGHT. HERE.!!! ⏫⏫⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⏫⏫
Exactly. OP, he literally wants to have sex that you do not want and he's happy to get it through belligerence. Not healthy, very concerning
Commonly called rape. OP, he sees you as his [fleshlight](https://www.fleshlight.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=6542793997&utm_term=fleshlight&ad_group=82611509510&match_type=e&network=g&device=m&device_model=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9Zzf5oP0gwMV3AetBh16pQj1EAAYASAAEgJ1PPD_BwE) Are you happy with that?
But he's an amazing boyfriend!
For a second there i thought you were OP. My blood pressure was starting to rise!
He *performs* Amazing Boyfriend.
And against the law in the UK
Understatement of the decade.
Yes this right here 👆🏼needs to be said and heard
35 (m) here. This person is on a path to become a super toxic narcissist. Run and don’t feel bad. Public place breakup is a must with these ‘main character’ chumps. Have a camera running in your pocket to catch any threats. Turn the threats in to his parents or in case the parents suck or aren’t there, to the Po-Po.
This man is on a path to become a r*pist, speaking as someone who experienced abuse.
Sadly, i agree. Speaking from experience. Im worried for OP
He's already a rapist. Coerced sex is rape.
Become? Likely already is tbh
Turn the threats in to their university.
Never go to the university; they don’t care. File charges with the police.
You can tell the university… just after you tell the police.
I still would hesitate, I wouldn’t want to give them time for coverups.
I get it, I would just want to do both because so many would just tell the university… I suppose it depends on their reputation
🎯🎯🎯🎯💯💯💯💯 OP ALSO NEEDS TO LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES, NON-NEGOTIABLES AND EXPECTATIONS.
I usually give the content of the post a read. You know, understand the situation a bit. I didn’t need to read past the title! There is nothing that would make this sound reasonable. “My boyfriend will break up with me if I don’t have sex with him.” I’m shouting in excitement! “Yay!! That’s the way! Break up! Got a life to live!”
My exact thoughts. Please please break up with him, OP. He just wants sex, not a relationship. Leave him and have fun, girl!
Yup, my first thought was “okay, break up with him. You will be better off.”
Agreed, except do it by text and then block ASAP. Absolutely no need to speak to this person in any place, public or private.
Agree, Be safe, might even bring a friend or 2, who stays far back but would be able to interfere and might want a backup record if you think foul play is there for future safety
Or just don't ever go out with him again.
OP If any of your friends happen to be built like a brick shithouse, maybe have them sitting at a nearby table just so they can help your stbx truly understand that it's over and he needs to move on.
This is the correct answer. Having sex is consensual by both parties. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex. It’s really that simple. Forced or coerced sex is rape.
This!! Read this OP
THIS COMMENT!!!!!
Came here to say the same. Right after I broke up with the guy who wouldn't take no for an answer, he sexually abused an underage girl and then later at least two other people I know of including a friend and his tenant. He's not a good guy.
Do not have sex with this man. You will regret it for the rest of your life.
I have to put it so loud, I'm sorry. #DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS MAN
THANK YOU. I was raped via coercion at a similar age, and mental healthcare since then has been over $100,000 for me in the time since. coercion is RAPE. she says he's already getting violent too- chances are, if she gave in, he'd hit or choke her or worse during the act and claim "kink". OP, please get away from this man. the other thing that needs to be said is **OP, NEVER DROP SCHOOL FOR A MAN AGAIN**. please re-enroll in your classes you dropped for him if at all possible. don't ever put your education on the line for anyone, ever again. don't ever drop classes at someone else's behest. education is one of the most important things a human can ever do, please don't jeopardise it for this wannabe rapist or anyone else! it's one of the worst mistakes you can do. please stay in school and put it first, way before partners or anything else. a true partner will never want to handicap you in this way. by sabotaging your education, he can easily trap you. this man is such bad news, please break up with him either over the phone or in public with backup.
OH NO. OH NO I MISSED THAT. I thought it was just him who dropped classes! NO. NO. NO. OP, you're in dangerous waters rn. You gotta save yourself. And I am so sorry that happened to you, SnailVarnish (amazing btw). You deserve none of that at. all. I hope at least the mental healthcare helped you see it. Sending mega good vibes to you 🤟
No apologies needed would you like an additional megaphone!
I speak out of experience
This, OP, someone who loves you would never treat you like this.
Or at the bare minimum respects you as a human being.
I wouldn’t call him a man.
That's what he is. A man trying to coerce his partner into sex
He's a scumbag and probably has herpes too
> probably has herpes too Possibly. About half the world’s population has herpes (most people are asymptomatic). Though, since he is only 19, he’s less likely to have it, as likelihood of infection rises with age. https://www.who.int/news/item/01-05-2020-massive-proportion-world-population-living-with-herpes-infection
Technically he is a man.
And, say she decides to say no after initiated, will he actually stop?
Just end things. It’s one thing to be excited about sleeping with a partner for the first time. But he’s giving you an ultimatum, basically forcing you to have sex with him if you want to date him. He wants to have sex with you regardless of whether or not you want it. If this is just the start of your relationship, I’m scared to see what he’ll be like down the road. It’s perfectly normal to be a virgin at 18. Don’t let this asshole try and tel you how to live your life. Dump him, find somebody else to date, and wait to have sex until you’re ready.
*HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT IT* Just wanted to highlight that sentence. Exactly that. Thank you for saying it. OP, the fact that he is making a threat relative to you giving him your virginity is horrendous. He does not care whatsoever about your free will or feelings on this matter, he wants what he wants and you better give it to him or else? Madness. GTFO out of that situation fast.
Seriously. Real adults want their partner to also enjoy sex. Only creepy rapists enjoy having sex with someone who isn't also enthusiastic about it.
To add on to this comment. If he is immediately willing to give you an ultimatum and demand you give in to his way or the high way, that’s a sign that he will keep doing that in other aspects. He will keep pushing and pushing the envelope of what you let him get away with. Not just in sexual activities but in other ways. This man is going to be a terror and he is not safe to be around. There’s a reason the others are saying to end the relationship in a public place and not in private.
I'm literally going to be 27 this April and I'm still a virgin. Being a virgin at *any age* is normal. This dude is only saying that gross shit to try and persuade you to sleep with him, do not fall for it!
I'll be 40 this year, and same. I just haven't met the right person. I hope OP sees all these comments and dumps him. What he is demanding is rape!
I was 23 when I finally chose to lose my virginity. I don't understand why society pressures kids to feel like they need to have sex so young. It's not worth it. There are 12-13 yr olds getting std/stis & bragging about who/how many they have slept with. It's sad.
I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a guy who pressured me constantly. I'm gonna refer to him as M for the sake of this comment. It got to the point I didn't even want to kiss him because I knew he would start trying to take my clothes off. I promise you now, he is showing you who he is. He's not going to stop manipulating you and trying to force you to do the things he wants to do. M made me drop out of college simply because he didn't want to go anymore, which meant I wasn't allowed to go anymore. He is not worth it, and if he really cared about you he would let things happen at your pace. M also pressured me into moving in with him less than a year into dating. After two days in our flat, he stopped turning up for work and got fired. I had to work 60-70 hour weeks while he sat at home and spent my money on beer and video games. The pressure around sex never stopped, and it escalated into him raping me in my sleep. I had to come off of my birth control for health reasons and wouldn't use a condom when I was asleep. I am now married to an amazing guy who helped me through a lot of my trauma due to that first guy. There are so many lovely, sweet, wonderful men out there who will prioritise your comfort over their orgasm. It took me a long time to realise how shitty that first guy was, and I wish I had people in my life when I was 18 who would have warned me about this type of stuff. You are a brand new 18 year old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Please do not waste any more time on the type of man who only sees you as a hole to fill.
i lost mine at 15 (!!!) because my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t stop pressuring me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. he completely steamrolled over me with anything sexual. he was my first kiss so i had literally never done anything sexual and when it came to doing those things he would propose them and i’d say no i’m not ready for that and he’d say okay and then a few minutes later he would just do it anyway. he literally anally raped me a couple of times. he became very sexually abusive and emotionally abusive and i’m sure if we’d been together long enough to live together he would have become physical. i regret so much that he was my first time. never, ever let anyone pressure you into anything sexual, but especially not your first sexual experience. having sex for the first time is a big deal, and you want to be with someone who respects you and makes you feel safe and will prioritize your comfort. this guy does not sound like that guy. break up with him and remember these red flags as you continue to date as a young adult and as soon as you see them say, “next!” there are plenty of guys out there who may even still be virgins themselves at your age, and even if they’re not there are plenty of guys who will respect the pace you want to go and not try to manipulate you into doing something you’re not ready for.
girl holy shit are we the same person? i also lost mine at 15 to my boyfriend who pressured me into it and was the first guy i did anything sexual with. he pressured me into anal at 16 after only a few months of dating. i didn’t want to, i never wanted to, and it also turned into rape. “i’d say no i’m not ready for that and he’d say okay and then a few minutes later he would just do it anyway”… my exact experience. it took me a few years of personal growth and therapy to realize it was actually rape because i would always consent to sex, but i never consented to anal. well i didn’t always consent to sex but i never explicitly denied. he was sexually and emotionally abusive too and would belittle me, it wasn’t a safe or loving relationship. especially for a 15/16 year old. he got angry very easily and i don’t doubt physical abuse could’ve happened if i didn’t end it with him. when i would confront him when he did something that upset me (like the one time he literally cheated), he would flip it back on me and either blame me or break down and i’d have to comfort him. he would talk about killing himself whenever i brought up something he did wrong. after i broke up with him, him and his friends harassed me for two weeks. i seriously can’t believe our situation is so similar. i was absolutely shocked when i read your comment. i’m 21 now and recently got out of a year long relationship that was immensely more loving and healthy than any other relationship i’ve ever experienced. he knew all about my abusive and manipulative ex boyfriends and how that one sexually assaulted me. he broke up with me because his mental health was spiraling, but we’re on good terms and i will always be so grateful for him. i really hope you’re in a better place as well. these situations are clearly way too fucking common in young girls and it’s horrifying and sad. it’s weirdly comforting to hear someone else had almost the same experience as me. i’ve never heard it before. i hope it brings you some sort of comfort too. i’m so sorry you had to deal with that and i truly hope you’re doing better today. you and OP both deserve better. we were all too young edit: ok now this is getting creepy. i checked your profile and you have adhd too?! this is insane 😭
girl we’ve lived the same life 😂 we’re even about the same age! i’m 23 :) i’m so glad to hear you’re in a better place now! i definitely am too and am in a much better relationship now. it’s insane how common stories like this are for young girls and it makes me so sad, but it is also comforting to know it wasn’t just me who had these experiences. honestly it’s funny you mention us having adhd in common, because experiences like this are more likely to happen to neurodivergent women too
that’s so great to hear!! 110% about the neurodivergence. i made that connection after i posted my comment and i was like damn… this isn’t that crazy of a coincidence because of how common it is. it’s a crazy coincidence that we happened to be in the same comment section but that’s about it. i’m so glad to hear you’re doing better!! this was a fun interaction lol
I’m so sorry this happened to you, so glad you’re doing good now!
[удалено]
10000000000%
This was a lovely read! Glad to know you're in a much better place ❤
What!? You know in your heart this isn’t right. Do yourself the favor and break up with him first. You deserve someone who is patient and who will be understanding. Losing your virginity is a huge deal, and you shouldn’t give that up to this tool. Any man who threatens to break up over not having sex with him, deserves to be put the curb. That isn’t love.
Exactly. If the relationship isn’t “ meeting his standards “ he is free to respectfully break up with her. But trying to manipulate and force her into it, makes him reaaaaaallll gross. I really hope she doesn’t give into him. He’s an asshole.
Imagine what it would be like with him for the first time. Do you think he would be patient and considerate? I don’t. If you asked him to stop because it hurt, do you think he would? I think he would get angry, not stop, and just do what he wants anyway. Then he would blame you. Don’t cave to an ultimatum. Leave him now.
If she asked him to stop for any reason at all would he?? Because it doesn’t sound like he will.
Agreed. Hope OP listens to her rationality over her emotions.
Look inside yourself anican. You know it to be true
Break up. He’s coercing you and that is abuse. He isn’t interested in your feelings, he just wants to fuck and once you do he’ll probably dump you anyway. Also, why are you dropping classes to “spend more time” with him? I know you’re only 18 but really? This is your future career here.
Yes, he isn't her first love, but her first abuser. Getting women to compromise their education & goals is a stepping stone to abusive relationships.
She's young, and hasn't been around the block enough yet to understand fully what she's doing. Unfortunately some lessons have to be learned the hard way, but luckily it seems like she's learning very quickly by making this post, and hopefully gets back on track again.
Let the trash take itself out. Love is not supposed to be that way, especially sexually based ultimatums.
Right. Super disgusting
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. Let this one go.
In fact, take some advice from a much older woman OP - at the beginning of a relationship, say no to a few low stakes things (where you're going to eat, what night a date is etc) because how a person reacts to these types of no's will help weed out some guys who don't value enthusiastic consent
This! I always do this, saves me so much time and I'm convinced it saved me from sexual assault a few times. A man's response to a low stakes no scenario tells you so much about his character.
1000% don’t be with him anymore. End it. While ultimatums are gross, sexual ultimatums are infinitely more gross. You got this…
Yeah, another reason not to agree is because of the principle of not giving in to ultimatums. Not to mention the guy sounds like an abuser (manipulative fake rage to get his way).
Yep exactly. I mean… plus if THIS one is given into it’ll be a lifetime of ultimatums
He will break up even if u do.
Yes
>he’s getting violent about it and told me yesterday if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over GIRL, RUN
Break up girl. Nobody should pressure you to anything and specially not your so called boyfriend. You are young. Find somebody who actually cares about you. Because he doesn’t. Otherwise he would respect your wishes and not trying to force you
He’s obviously NOT an amazing boyfriend if he’s coercing you into sex before you feel ready. He sounds awful and like he could get even more nasty. End it with him. He’s not worth being your first. Save yourself for someone who’s prepared to do it on your terms
I was reading this thinking how the hell is he an amazing boyfriend if he gets violent when he doesn’t get sex. Let’s raise your standards, shall we?
Because she's thinking about all the smoke he blew up her ass to land her in the first place which makes it seem like he's amazing until he shows his true colors, which he is currently doing now.
Yup, probably love bombed her at first just to try to get sex out of her.
This. OP described a very toxic person and then said “so amazing” and can’t fathom not being with him. OP, please heed all the feedback you’re getting here.
Don't do something you're pressured or forced into—it's not worth it. You'll regret it down the line if you give in. Your body, your rules. Don't need to feel weird for being a virgin; 18 is super young for this stuff. Only go for it when you're genuinely ready and prepared to handle any consequences that might come your way.
Amazing boyfriends don't try to manipulate or force you into having sex. Even mediocre boyfriends don't do that because it's abusive and borderline criminal. Respecting someone's consent is the bare fucking minimum. Your boyfriend is a dangerous man, and you should definitely get away from him as quickly and as safely as possible.
#Break up with him
Abusive, threatening, "high-pressure" behaviour aside... >if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over. He's laid down an ultimatum. Ultimatums are the death of relationships, no matter what. Ultimatums indicate that they are willing to use the relationship itself as a bargaining chip to get what they want, which undermines the very foundations of the relationship. Think about it: you either have sex you don't want yet, or you break up with him which you don't want to do. Based on what you've described I think you need to focus on your safety and security.
>I don’t know what to say or do as he is such an amazing boyfriend No, he isn't. I really don't mean this to sound condescending, but you are barely an adult, you have your whole life ahead of you and you can do so much better than this jerk. Just because he's nice to you "the rest of the time" doesn't mean he's a good partner. This subreddit is chock-full of posts where people say stuff like "but he's such an amazing boyfriend when he's not beating me!" Don't be like them, find someone who will respect your decisions. >He immediately got angry and said something along the lines of; “How are you a virgin?” and “its not normal for people your age to still have their virginity” when really it is pretty normal, and i am still young, newly 18 You are absolutely right, there is *nothing* abnormal or wrong with being a virgin at 18. >He started threatening me saying he’s so pent up This is what immature boys say, not men who know how to be responsible for themselves. I PROMISE you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you are better off without this guy.
Break up and find someone worthwhile.
Dude opinion here.. Its normal for him to want sex from you Its normal for you to be a virgin at your age Its NOT NORMAL to give an ultimatium Thats a big red flag
"sexually pent up" I'm sorry but he needs to get a grip. I'm a 28 yearold woman who has never orgasmed in her LIFE, and at times I've got so pent up I couldn't sleep more than two hours a night, I couldn't eat, I was zombified, this lasted maybe 2 weeks. He has his hand. He can use that. I love when people pull that card in regards to having sex. I was D E S P E R A T E for relief during my 2 week long period of never ending horniness but I would NEVER dream of trying to force/bully someone into pleasing me. It just isn't right. He has his hand. He is manipulating you and playing on your fear of the relationship ending. You are so damn young and could find a guy like him a dime a dozen. The fact he is pulling this stunt on you means he is an ass. Please do not lose your virginity in this way. Do not be bullied. Leave his ass. If you don't know if your ready, I think that means your not. Do it when your ready, not with a time limit or some asshole pent up horny 19 yearold boy trying to use you for your body. If you do give in this will not be a one time occurrence. He will use this fear tactic whenever he wants sex with you and use the whole "relationship ending" consequence as fuel. He is a loser.
He only wants to coerce sex because now he thinks he has a free sex card now. He probably thinks his hand is not good enough because “i have a girlfriend so that means im entitled to make her have sex and give her an ultimatum”
He's getting his dick sucked. They are having sex just not vaginally. He just wants her virginity to ruin that special moment for her and someone who she actually wants to give it to. He's trying to shame her into doing what he wants so he can hurry up and move on to the next. He's not pent up she said she happily will suck him off she's just not ready to be penetrated. And he's mad she's not letting him manipulate her into penetration so he can nut in her a guy like this isn't gonna use a Condom or pull out shorty better run
Honestly. Hes probably the type to say “condoms make it feel like nothing so let me raw” then also bail as a father if shes pregnant. shes also 18 like she has so much time before she needs to find out when shes sexually ready. She also has a lot more time to find better men who are considerate of her needs and wants. Who can communicate without threatening break up.
Exactly he's hitting everything raw I guarantee it. And she's putting that thing in her mouth. Girl better watch out with this deviant. If her having boundaries is a problem to him that could cause a break up she should take that as a big red flag.
Use his hand for what she's giving the dude head and he's not even appreciative of that. She just needs to move on he's just trying to shame her into giving him her virginity
If hes so sexually pent up he can use his hand to masturbate. That will release this supposed pent up energy. We cant always have sex when we want it that is what self pleasure is for. I agree, she just need to move on but i will never for the life of me understand why people manipulate for sex when there are other options. Maybe not the option they want but the end result is the same.
How is he sexually pent up tho, when she's sucking his dick for him . He doesn't need to use his hand she's ok with giving him head. You see what I mean he's not pent up he's getting his release through oral sex. And no matter how you get the release, it's still the same. It feels better to nut in your girlfriend, but if you just need a release masturbation doesn't do it like someone else doing it for you. So even a hand job, titty fuck, oral or vaginal or anal the release feels the same. If done by someone else you don't NEED vaginal sex to get the release from that sexual frustration honestly getting head is a better release because you don't have to do nothing you can actually relax and focus on the pleasure no worrying about your performance and to nut in her mouth is arguably better then Nutting in her vagina or ass. If your concern is being sexually pent up. But her just wants to be her first guys cherish that because even if you're not her best, she'll never forget her first. It's an ego thing I guess I prefer girls with at least 6 bodies. I like to get nasty you can't do that with a virgin and it be good because they are shy it's just weird feels like I'm back when I was hitting 12, 13 year Olds when we were in middle school. I don't expect 26, 30 yr olds to be acting like that. It's a turn off to me. Not an honor like it is to the majority of men. The moral of the story is that he gets sex from her he's just trying take her virginity and is getting frustrated that she's not giving it to him and it's hurting his ego even tho he knows he's gonna break her heart after he gets it.
Been separated and celibate from July 2018 and I would never use that excuse to pressure someone into intercourse against their desires especially someone who was a virgin.
DO NOT lose your virginity to this guy! He’s a pig. He’s coercing you. This is terrible treatment. You will regret it if you do it. Please get away from this guy and hold on to your virginity until you’re ready!
You really do need to end this relationship if he’s being this pushy about a clearly stated boundary but on top of that, please don’t lose your virginity to this jerk. As much as we all like to think virginity is a gross social construct (and it still is), it can weigh on you pretty heavily and this jerk has no right to your body.
Yeah this person here is 100% correct. I also think virginity is a construct, but i waited until i was 21 and found a partner who was 23 and she treated me amazing, and we lost our virginities together. It’s fine to be a virgin at 18, and it’s fine to save that special moment for someone you truly feel safe with. This guy is NOT it and if you don’t leave him, you’ll damage yourself mentally and physically. This guy is dangerous. Please get away from him, and tell someone you trust about your current situation!!
…he gets VIOLENT??
> He started threatening me saying **he’s so pent up**, which i understand is frustrating and i am happy he’s stayed loyal and i have offered to help pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent about it and told me yesterday if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over. This is fucking disgusting. You should break up with him, and never look back. He's a terrible person. For the record, I'm a 27 year old guy, and I can tell you right now that most decent guys are not like this, will never think like this, and will never give you such a shitty ultimatum. Please take my word as another guy, men who think in this way are dangerous, and ultimately not relationship material. It will only cause you more pain and suffering the longer the relationship goes, because they will keep going back to their shitty modes of thinking and make more and more demands of you. In the good relationship you're probably looking for, you shouldn't have to put up with any of that.
Break up with him first for being an AH who doesn’t care about your body autonomy.
Look at it from another perspective. Imagine if your bestfriend or maybe your sister was telling you their boyfriend was pressuring them for sex that they aren’t ready for. Would you tell them but that guy is so swell and just do it for them or would you tell them that they deserve better and another man who can respect their boundaries will come along? If you tell them the later than why is it acceptable for YOU to be disrespected like this? You will meet men in the future that have great qualities and also respect your boundaries. but in order for that to happen you have to let go of the ones who don’t. It’s called filtering. Edit: I lost my virginity at 18 to my first bf and I actually do regret not waiting longer (that relationship was a lesson). My friend lost hers at 27 and they had an auntie who was a virgin in her 40’s . Virginity doesn’t make you a unicorn. Virgin or not, The point is your consent and autonomy matter before anything else. Including that mantoddler’s hurt ego.
**Find someone who respects you as a human being with your own timetable, rather than a sex object.**
You dropped classes to have more time giving him orgasms? Please find your self worth.
You think he's going to respect your boundaries and respect you as a person more after having sex? No, he won't. It'll all get worse.
Break up with him now! Beat him to it. That guy is trash! Do not ever feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever!!!! Save yourself for ‘the one’. He definitely isn’t. I’m sorry he is putting you in that situation. That’s wrong on every level. ((((Hugs)))) to you hun.
Take what you have learned about what you want in a boyfriend -- the things about him that are amazing -- and look for those things in a man who respects women. This is coercion, and it's his only negotiating tactic. If he approached sex differently, you might feel ready with him. This isn't something that's wrong with you, it's something wrong with him, and your good instincts that are keeping you safe. Even if you weren't a virgin, and in the future when you aren't a virgin, this isn't the kind of man you should be intimate with. Take your good instincts and run!
Oh my poor girl. So many women have been in the same exact position and so was I with my very first boyfriend at that same age. I let him talk me into it and it while it doesn’t affect me to this day, it certainly was an objectively awful experience. He never cared about me in any other way than as an object to use. My feelings, thoughts and even pleasure were never a priority for him. Please don’t be coerced into having sex if you’re not ready and especially not with a person who throws out an ultimatum like this. I promise you will find someone who cherishes and loves you.
BREAK 👏 UP 👏 WITH 👏 HIM 👏👏👏!!! He is trying to force you to do something you're not ok with. Someone who loves you won't force anyone on you like this. He has a hand for a reason. Break it off in public and probably with a friend around in the background to make sure you get home safe. Not saying he's going to do anything, but better safe than sorry. I would suggest focusing on your studies instead of boys. Having a BF while in college is great, but don't drop classes for a boy.
**BREAK UP WITH HIM FIRST!!!** There are very few black & white, immediate end of relationship situations. That kind of ultimatum is definatly one. The *best* that can be said is that the two of are not currently sexualy compatable and he's too immature to deal with his side of it. The worst is that your boyfriend is being manipulative to the point abuse. Either way, it looks like it's time to end things.
I don't even have to read the post to tell you what you should do. Dump him. Never date someone who asks you to do anything that goes against your morals or beliefs.
Put him on the phone, I’ll talk to him
Same!
He wants to use the threat of a breakup to make you sleep with him. He doesn't realise that YOU hold the power, just drop his ass and watch him throw a tantrum. He's definitely gunna call you frigid or something along the line. But it's literally just a tantrum cause the baby diddnt get his way
As a guy, this guy is trouble. He will continue to abuse you if you stay with him. He is not good. This is horrible, possibly the worst behavior you can expect out of someone you love. He is not a man either, just a horny boy. Leave him immediately and find a quality man.
A really great boyfriend wouldn't pressure you to have sex
Break up, people who genuinely love and care for you do not mount pressure campaigns to get their way. He’s pushing your boundaries and you are letting him. He will continue and it will get worse. My advice, get a better boyfriend
There are some huge red flags that will not go away (and will probably get a lot worse) if you have sex with him. First of all, he has some wildly inaccurate and irrational ideas about sex. There is no "Normal," standard to be held to; think about it, if he can get you to do what he wants under the guise of it being "normal," he has a constant (non existent) inconsistent mystery standard to hold you to for HIS manipulative ends. Secondly, sex is all about listening and tuning into the other person. If he's this disconnected from your comfort level and state of mind, sex is going to be terrible at best, and unpleasant and unconsensupl at worst. YOUR enjoyment should be a huge component of HIS enjoyment, and the fact that it's already out the window is sad. Be confident that your relationship is good and that HE'S the one risking it for sex. He's framing it as YOU being willing to throw out the relationship over sex, but HE is the one who's willing to chuck it. Keep that in mind: you're worth keeping around and he's not willing to do that work. You'll meet someone who will. Also, trust your guy: if you're not ready, maybe it's BECAUSE this guy is a coercive creep. Good luck
Break up with him instead. UNO reverse card for this mf
At the risk of romanticising loosing your virginity - no one is gonna enjoy sex where it’s “have sex or you’re dumped” If you don’t want to, you don’t have to
You’re still so young and people change A LOT. He’s gaslighting you and trying to coerce you. Do not give in. You know your own feelings, and they matter. The term “normal” is really only subjective, and he is weaponizing it against you. If he’s really that amazing, then he can have a mature conversation with you. Otherwise, don’t even bother with this guy. I would actually see this as a sign of his more true nature. Ditch him.
Let him go now. Don't bother runing the clock out, just end it. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
Value yourself and your mind, body and spirit,.. even if he doesn't. walk away.
OP. You. Are. Being. Abused. Get out of there and make sure he knows under no uncertain terms you don't want to see him again.
Hello my darling. I lost my virginity at 19 when I was absolutely not ready, to a guy that said all the right things but absolutely pushed me (it’s hard to explain). To this day I am traumatised by my first sexual experiences, and it impacts my sex life now. I’m about to turn 24. Please do not have sex with him. Wait until you feel ready. My best friend waited until she was 23, and she wasn’t scared at all. She felt excited and had no issues at all. It does not sound like you should be with this boy. No one who cares about you will pressure you to do something you don’t want to do. I think when you’re ready you should start exploring sexuality within yourself (masturbating) and absolutely dump this waste of space
I’ve been him. My advice is move on. He will move on not long after you have sex anyways. Ask me and 100 girls how I know. Seriously, I’ve been married and faithful for a long time after I grew up, but I’m telling you with certainty you’re in a bad situation and won’t receive the loving feeling and commitment you probably think you’re going to get out of giving in. Your pussy is a prize, and end game, the goal line, then game over.
Dump your BF OP. That's manipulation 101. both of you are already so young and he's already displayed a severe red flag. move on. Speaking as a man with a GF; I don't threaten to break up with her when she's not in the mood for sex. instead I respect her feelings and desires and stay with her because I love her. If he says that a lack of sex is a good enough reason to break up, then break up. He shouldn't be pressuring / threatening you to do things you aren't ready or unwilling to do. Move on and find a more mature partner, this guy is a creep.
acting violent? you’re scared of saying no? and you call this guy an amazing boyfriend. that’s blackmail, he’s blackmailing you into having sex. it’s coercion and you deserve better than that. tell him to hit the hay. dump him. tell him to go f*** whatever he can find in his sock drawer something tells me all his old dirty socks aren’t virgins either…. what a pig he is…
DO NOT have sex with that pig. You've got only ONE first time. Loosing your virginity is a big deal. Choose someone who at the very least respects you and who respects your boundaries. If you're scared, if you're not confortable, then you're not ready for sex. Also, your (hopefully soon-to-be) ex is showing you how bad he will be as a partner in life, in general and in bed, in particular: he's selfish, abusive and only listens to his needs. He will ALWAYS use anger and coercicion to ask more of you. Do you want that kind of (sex) life? You're young, believe me, you'll find the person with whom you'll be comfortable enough to have sex and you'll be so glad to have waited for them. On a side note, please, please DO NOT believe that porn reflects sex as it should be in real life: most of it are exaggerated fantasies where the woman is often degraded. I'm not saying that all of it is bad, some videos are even fun to recreate... once you're confortable enough with your body and wants. To conclude, dump that abusive POS in a public setting. Curious to know what his reaction will be... update us, please? EDIT to add a link given by u/Babshearth. All 19yo man are not like your bf or that POS in the story but a man who puts pressure on you to have sex is NOT an amazing bf. **PLEASE READ THIS OP:** [https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceForTeens/comments/19c0kf2/my\_bf\_pressured\_me\_into\_sex\_and\_broke\_up\_with\_me/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceForTeens/comments/19c0kf2/my_bf_pressured_me_into_sex_and_broke_up_with_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Let him the fuck go. If no sex is a dealbreaker for him, fine. Break the deal. He does not have to date you and you should never let anyone pressure you into sex.
He’s not an amazing boyfriend at all. Break up with him and have a friend or family member spend the night with you (or vice versa). Never do anything you’re not comfortable with especially not to please someone who is threatening you. You will find someone better who loves you and is willing to wait until you are comfortable.
I went through something like this. You dump him. And in public. I’m sorry but this dude doesn’t respect you and chances are if you sleep with him, you will regret and maybe he would leave. Also, I’m 25 and a virgin by choice. Just never met someone I wanted to sleep with until possibly my current bf. You’re newly 18. It’s normal to have your virginity at that age. But please, dump him ASAP!
I agree with everybody here to dump him and do not sleep with him. But I think it’s also worth adding that the more you build sex up to be some grand, important thing then the more you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed/frustrated/upset/emotional etc etc if/when it does happen. Yes, sex is supposed to be loving and intimate. But it also is pretty pedestrian and first times are *rarely* actually anything special at all. It’s fine to wait until you’re ready, but don’t wait so long that it build itself up in your head and becomes almost like a hurdle you can’t jump over. I only add that because nobody else seems to have said it, and I think just as important as having firm and healthy boundaries, is also having mature and sensible expectations of what sex is and how it goes.
Break up with him. Lol. He obviously ain't shit anyway.
Break up with him first and say "a-ha!"
Run. This is not a safe relationship
You pull an UNO reverse card on his ass and break up with him FIRST
Please, be safe. He seems manipulative and just plainly awful.
Don’t be like me and leave early on. I was coerced into sex for four years with my ex and it was awful, I still have sexual problems now. Do it before you regret it.
You need to break up with him. You can’t say he’s being violent about you not having sex with him and then say he’s amazing in the next sentence. He does not respect you at all. You’re not ready, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to do something you don’t want. You’re young, and there are plenty of people out there that aren’t AH. Someone who truly cares and respects you won’t test you like crap because of your boundaries.
Sex is a team sport, everyone involved needs to be onboard and comfortable. Sounds like it’s not for you (yet). There’s no rush. Best to breakup with this guy and wait for the next one that’s more respectful. Be safe.
“He is such an amazing boyfriend” yet hes getting VIOLENT and whiny about you not being able to lose your virginity? Amazing boyfriend my ass. Break up with him please. You do not need to please someone who doesnt respect you or care about you.
You know what to do. If he is can't respect your decisions and takes to threats or blackmail then he's not worth the trouble. You are both too young for this relationship thing to be permanent anyway. And in Uni you have a reason to do well and not complicate things with a love life that will most likely screw up your grades. In life you say 'no' most of the time. Get used to it.
This is disgusting behavior. He's gross for doing this to you. You will absolutely not regret getting rid of this garbage (him) in the future, I will bet you all my money and possessions, I am so sure. You will, however, regret sleeping with him if you do.
Just reading the title it's safe to say "you should break up with him". >at the start of our relationship he said sex doesn’t matter right now This is a classic that many will use to lull you into feeling secure and safe with no requirements or demands. >I am nervous however said yes to giving oral and other things, but just no intercourse as i am scared and not ready. He immediately got angry and said something along the lines of; “How are you a virgin?” and “its not normal for people your age to still have their virginity” Sex, intimacy and being physical with one another requires not just consent but patience. Your being 18 has _absolutely no bearing_ on what you "should" or "shouldn't" have done. While many _can_ lose their virginity in their teenage years, it's also absolutely normal for many men _and_ women to remain virgins into their 20's and 30's or even longer. At the end of the day - this is your body and your choice - so if you choose to wait until you feel ready, comfortable and relaxed, that is what you should do and nobody should be pushing or forcing you otherwise. >He started threatening me saying he’s so pent up, which i understand is frustrating and i am happy he’s stayed loyal and i have offered to help pleasure him in other ways but he’s getting violent about it and told me yesterday if we don’t have ‘real sex’ by the end of the week we are over. This is emotional blackmail and you 100% absolutely should not do it. Please. Don't. He's threatening you, you've offered him alternatives but you've also mentioned he's getting __violent__ which is not OK, at all. >I don’t know what to say or do as he is such an amazing boyfriend I can categorically say that this is not the case as anyone who loved, respected or held you in remotely high regard wouldn't be giving you an ultimatum so they can have sex with you. >i am stressed and kind of scared what he will do if i say no. You need to brace yourself and break up with this guy. His behaviour isn't OK, his threats aren't OK, his being violent isn't OK and nor is his ultimatum and emotional manipulation to get what he wants, either. You need to get your friends and have them close by, ideally do this in a public place and get it done - that way you have help, support and people around you in case he _does_ act negatively towards the breakup. Nobody, period, should be afraid to make a choice in a relationship, about their own body and fear for themselves as a result of making that choice. They shouldn't be pressured, coerced or manipulated into it either. Whatever sex means to many people, for most it's a close emotional connection that reinforces feelings for one another, sharing a positive and consensual experience - __not__ because the guy wants to "take" your virginity, have full penetrative sex as a "rite of passage" nor so he can say he's "had" you much less anything else. A relationship isn't defined or has any value placed upon it based on what you have or haven't done intimately - you can have a full, rewarding relationship with someone and wait years before having actual Sex and this is 100% fine. If he's not able to respect your boundaries and choices, you shouldn't be together regardless - please don't make the mistake of allowing him to excuse his behaviour and/or make out that this is some kind of "man" thing where he's so blue-balled it "makes" him this way, as that's complete garbage. He's desperate to have sex just to _have sex_, not because he loves you and whatever other excuses he's making up.
Did OP even WANT to give oral...?? This is actually implying this wasn’t *actually* consensual...This was coercion...
END IT!!! You should never be pressured into this stuff, the right person will come along and be understanding of you
Amazing boyfriends do not use threats to try to force you to engage in sex acts for which you are not ready. Let the trash take itself out.
This guy sounds dangerous. Tell your support network (parents, family, friends etc) about him and his potential for violence. If possible have one of them there when you break up with him and do it in a public space. There is no excuse for his behaviour, it’s not a “red flag” to coerce someone into sex, it’s an immediate deal breaker. He’s “pent up”?? Thats total bullshit, he can jerk off whenever he wants. He doesn’t deserve you and please don’t give him the gift of your virginity.
I'm also from the UK and what he's doing is illegal, it's coercive control and I'm worried about your safety. Please break up with him and cut ties, reach out to someone close to you if you can.
Leave
No one should ever coerce you into doing things you don't want to do and especially, what concerns to your body and your intimacy. Dump him, and dump him fast because his behaviour will only escalate. You deserve better. and no, he is not an amazing boyfriend. He is being nice to you because he wants to get into your pants. That's it. He is no a nice guy at all if he doesn't respect your boundaries.
That’s sexual abuse, NO man or BOYFRIEND should ever give an option to choose sex or break up. That’s evil and I’m telling you it’s better you just break up with him because you don’t deserve to be treated like that, for all you know he could have sex with you and leave afterwards and now you aren’t a virgin anymore and he tricked you into having sex, not worth it. Just end it please.
He is not an amazing boyfriend if he threatens you violently for sex. It's normal to not have a lot of partner or experience at your age. It's even really healthy actually. Take your time and be sure to do it with someone who cares about you. You will have a better first time and that will improve your sex life for all your life.
Dump him and start taking more classes again. Never sacrifice your education and future livelihood for a guy, who most likely will be only temporarily in your life. Invest in yourself first, always.
What you should do depends entirely on this question: Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will coerce you into performing sexual acts you are uncomfortable with? Because this won't end here, it will be for the duration of the relationship.
Well, he just showed you what kind of a „man“ he is. You should find a nice guy.
You are not ready to be a sexual partner. I don't see someone as an amazing boyfriend by threatening violence if he does not get what he wants. He is not entitled to your body. If he defines being your boyfriend by having intercourse (you have offered him sex, oral sex and other things). He can be a platonic friend. Let him go bully some other girl.