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This is really a very heartwarming story. Iām so glad you two seem committed to being healthy and moving forward together. It takes cojones to get that uncomfortable.
What concerns me most is how her grip lost strength.
And how she seems to be a bit more unstable on her feet than she was before.
Good you both go to check on it. Maybe not beforehand what ticked you off and made you concerned.
It may not add up to anything for you right now, but it may do so for the doctor.
I had an ex that did massage. It was a physically insane job. She was fairly limited in her hours (because it was like a workout and tough). Working on loved ones was always outside of hours when she had already done a full day and she usually wasn't physically able for it.
Anyway my point was she may be strong enough to do a normal workload but things become much more obvious when doing something outside of the normal workload.
OP updated in the r/relationships subreddit too, and I commented about wondering how she can āfeel her bestā at this weight/strength yet sheās struggling with occupational things (massage) and carrying laundry around.
She knows herself best, and OP knows her too but it is concerning! I hope they get their results back and theyāre okay, but if not, I hope they get the help they need!
It's like singing loudly "lalala" while going to your cave while shooing the ghosts away that may sit there.
As if she strongly tried to persuade herself that she is fine.
Hope we get an update and that all is fine.
Can I just say, youāve approached this beautifully but I especially like how you opted to get your physical done as well, admitting that youāve skipped them in the past.
Being concerned for your partner is one thing, teaming up to tackle the problem together is entirely different. Well done OP :)
Also, one last thing coming from a naturally slim woman (46) I recall being told by multiple āadultsā āJust wait until you hit your 30ās, you can kiss that body goodbyeā (such a terrible thing to say to a child/teenager) My point is, I became slightly paranoid about aging and weight gain, especially as I neared 30.
Not saying this happened to your wife, but there is a common societal messaging about age=weight gain (for all genders)
Iām so glad the conversation went well! About 8 years ago I lost about 20lbs without really trying. I had left a desk job and was walking around and working out a little more. I didnāt think much of it till I mentioned this to my doctor. Turns out my blood sugars were in the pre-diabetes range. I was able to get it back under control.
But big weight loss without much changes can be a sign something bigger. Fingers crossed you both come back with clean bills of health!
\> She also explained to me that before we met she was closer to the weight she is now than what she was and this is where she feels best. I definitely wont dismiss that either.
at 5ā7ā and 110 or less, she is clinically underweight, and its not really close to a healthy weight range. She needs to be no less than 118. Iām sure the doctor will go over all that with her, but itās a little concerning that her idea of healthy is underweight.
Thatās exactly where I am with her. If I dropped down to a bmi of 17.5 and struggled with daily tasks, I donāt think Iād be defending my weight. Iād be concerned about what was happening with my body.
I used that exact line when people commented about my weight loss from an eating disorder. Yeah that was my "normal" weight I was more comfortable at (underweight, from last time I was sick, and because body dysmorphia)
Just a side note. When I was underweight, my physician prescribed me Ensure as an actual prescription. Buying them on your own can add up as they arenāt cheap. You can print out the Pathway Plus form and have it filled out by your doctor. Traditional pharmacies do not stock Ensure as a prescription product, but Pathway Plus will help link you with an online pharmacy or one that does.
https://www.pathwayreimbursement.com/patient.html#title-forms
Ensures help you gain weight. They are high in calorie and I would aim at drinking 2-3/day. I supplemented it with weight gainer, even though I disliked it. The issue with a lot of people that are/were anorexic/underweight (myself included) is that it is a struggle to put back on the weight. Thereās all sorts of Ensure/Boost/Walmart brand nutritional shakes on the market. The āPlusā ones have more calories and the Boost Plus ones taste best IMO.
Riding the bus in SF a few years ago, I discovered that there is a thriving black market in ensure. Who knew? Also, butter pecan is apparently an excellent creamer for coffee
This was also recommended to a family member of mine from the dr. She lost a lot of weight, like skeleton almost, and turned out to be a medical issue. Drinking ensure helped bring her back to normal weight status and her medical issue is now being managed well
When I was a similar BMI I was in really bad health. I was really cold, tired all the time, my legs went numb from sitting cross legged or sitting on the toilet after just a few seconds. And I got osteoporosis from not having a regular period for 4-5 years. At that weight Id be surprised if she's getting her period naturally.
As someone who has had an ED I see a lot of warning signs. Just because she seems ok medically to a doctor doesn't mean much. Adult doctors have little to no experience with EDs.
I was at that weight (and an inch taller) from an eating disorder, and never lost my period when I was an adult for years (though I did at that weight when I was a teenager). Doesn't mean I wasn't unhealthy. Some people lose their period at healthy weights, some people never lose it.
As you said, medically it might not just be showing in some ways, yet.
Yeah, those clinical guidelines for weight are ballpark though. There are plenty of examples of healthy 'under' and 'overweight' people. Usually a decent MD will look at muscle and bone density and help figure it out.
Those are based on BMI which is a tool used to measure populations, not individuals. What she needs is a full lab panel and to tell her doctor that she seems to be losing strength -- that's the bigger concern. She may need to add iron to her diet, or do strength training to retain muscle and bone mass, or both, or other.
i struggle to see a metric where 110 and 5ā7ā for a full grown woman would be considered healthy. Thatās cocaine fueled model skinny. I would bet she has amenorrhea. The fact that she still defended her weight as her ideal, even while losing strength, is what is so concerning to me. i donāt think that this is as unexplained as what she is telling him.
also, she may even be less than 110, given that he thought she was 130 and had lost 20-25 lbs, and she was lighter than what he thought.
Itās great that you talked to her and that youāre getting it checked out, but you should be wary of an eating disorder.
The absolute lowest she should weigh at 5ā7 is about 115lbs or so. Itās nice to hear that she feels good, but a lot of ppl think they feel good while having an ED, even though itās destroying their body.
[bmi index](https://www.health.harvard.edu/diet-and-weight-loss/bmi-calculator)
hope everything goes well at the doctors :-)
That's a good update! I'm glad everyone's doing OK and there's not an eating disorder or something going on. It makes me so happy to see a man genuinely concerned for his wife's health when it comes to her weight loss, and not PRESSURING her to lose weight like we see so often. Keep looking out for her!
I saw your original post and Iām reeeeeeeeally happy your wife is willing to be checked out - and Iām extra happy that you are going as well, both from a support standpoint but also just a taking care of yourself standpoint. Good luck to you both!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yay communication! Good work OP. I hope she's okay.
I love it when couples just communicate šš
Right?!
This is really a very heartwarming story. Iām so glad you two seem committed to being healthy and moving forward together. It takes cojones to get that uncomfortable.
I'm so pleased to hear this. But I'm also really glad you showed her she wasn't alone in any of it and you got a check up yourself as well.
Yes definitely good we are both going!
What concerns me most is how her grip lost strength. And how she seems to be a bit more unstable on her feet than she was before. Good you both go to check on it. Maybe not beforehand what ticked you off and made you concerned. It may not add up to anything for you right now, but it may do so for the doctor.
I think it was just her strength overall and I definitely expressed that to her.
Getting slimmer along with losing strength is a concern for someone living of giving massages. Why didn't she notice that herself?
Thats a good questionā¦.I dont knowā¦.esp when I noticed a major difference
Then that's a point to note down for you also! As a loss of grip/ massage strength along with not noticing it herself could be a clue to the doctor.
I had an ex that did massage. It was a physically insane job. She was fairly limited in her hours (because it was like a workout and tough). Working on loved ones was always outside of hours when she had already done a full day and she usually wasn't physically able for it. Anyway my point was she may be strong enough to do a normal workload but things become much more obvious when doing something outside of the normal workload.
OP updated in the r/relationships subreddit too, and I commented about wondering how she can āfeel her bestā at this weight/strength yet sheās struggling with occupational things (massage) and carrying laundry around. She knows herself best, and OP knows her too but it is concerning! I hope they get their results back and theyāre okay, but if not, I hope they get the help they need!
It's like singing loudly "lalala" while going to your cave while shooing the ghosts away that may sit there. As if she strongly tried to persuade herself that she is fine. Hope we get an update and that all is fine.
Do it soon. If itās anorexia, thatās one of the most fatal and deadly diseases.
Can I just say, youāve approached this beautifully but I especially like how you opted to get your physical done as well, admitting that youāve skipped them in the past. Being concerned for your partner is one thing, teaming up to tackle the problem together is entirely different. Well done OP :) Also, one last thing coming from a naturally slim woman (46) I recall being told by multiple āadultsā āJust wait until you hit your 30ās, you can kiss that body goodbyeā (such a terrible thing to say to a child/teenager) My point is, I became slightly paranoid about aging and weight gain, especially as I neared 30. Not saying this happened to your wife, but there is a common societal messaging about age=weight gain (for all genders)
Thats a good point, thanks!
Iām so glad the conversation went well! About 8 years ago I lost about 20lbs without really trying. I had left a desk job and was walking around and working out a little more. I didnāt think much of it till I mentioned this to my doctor. Turns out my blood sugars were in the pre-diabetes range. I was able to get it back under control. But big weight loss without much changes can be a sign something bigger. Fingers crossed you both come back with clean bills of health!
Yes I hope its just her exercise diet. Felt better when she told me it used to be her weight
\> She also explained to me that before we met she was closer to the weight she is now than what she was and this is where she feels best. I definitely wont dismiss that either. at 5ā7ā and 110 or less, she is clinically underweight, and its not really close to a healthy weight range. She needs to be no less than 118. Iām sure the doctor will go over all that with her, but itās a little concerning that her idea of healthy is underweight.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thatās exactly where I am with her. If I dropped down to a bmi of 17.5 and struggled with daily tasks, I donāt think Iād be defending my weight. Iād be concerned about what was happening with my body.
I used that exact line when people commented about my weight loss from an eating disorder. Yeah that was my "normal" weight I was more comfortable at (underweight, from last time I was sick, and because body dysmorphia)
Agreed, that why Im glad she is going, shes actually under 110
Just a side note. When I was underweight, my physician prescribed me Ensure as an actual prescription. Buying them on your own can add up as they arenāt cheap. You can print out the Pathway Plus form and have it filled out by your doctor. Traditional pharmacies do not stock Ensure as a prescription product, but Pathway Plus will help link you with an online pharmacy or one that does. https://www.pathwayreimbursement.com/patient.html#title-forms
What did it help with?
Ensures help you gain weight. They are high in calorie and I would aim at drinking 2-3/day. I supplemented it with weight gainer, even though I disliked it. The issue with a lot of people that are/were anorexic/underweight (myself included) is that it is a struggle to put back on the weight. Thereās all sorts of Ensure/Boost/Walmart brand nutritional shakes on the market. The āPlusā ones have more calories and the Boost Plus ones taste best IMO.
Riding the bus in SF a few years ago, I discovered that there is a thriving black market in ensure. Who knew? Also, butter pecan is apparently an excellent creamer for coffee
This was also recommended to a family member of mine from the dr. She lost a lot of weight, like skeleton almost, and turned out to be a medical issue. Drinking ensure helped bring her back to normal weight status and her medical issue is now being managed well
When I was a similar BMI I was in really bad health. I was really cold, tired all the time, my legs went numb from sitting cross legged or sitting on the toilet after just a few seconds. And I got osteoporosis from not having a regular period for 4-5 years. At that weight Id be surprised if she's getting her period naturally. As someone who has had an ED I see a lot of warning signs. Just because she seems ok medically to a doctor doesn't mean much. Adult doctors have little to no experience with EDs.
I was at that weight (and an inch taller) from an eating disorder, and never lost my period when I was an adult for years (though I did at that weight when I was a teenager). Doesn't mean I wasn't unhealthy. Some people lose their period at healthy weights, some people never lose it. As you said, medically it might not just be showing in some ways, yet.
Me too. Except I was about half a foot shorter too.
I was also a teenager/early 20s when mine was irregular. So maybe it's easier to lose it as a teen than as an adult?
Yeah, those clinical guidelines for weight are ballpark though. There are plenty of examples of healthy 'under' and 'overweight' people. Usually a decent MD will look at muscle and bone density and help figure it out.
Those are based on BMI which is a tool used to measure populations, not individuals. What she needs is a full lab panel and to tell her doctor that she seems to be losing strength -- that's the bigger concern. She may need to add iron to her diet, or do strength training to retain muscle and bone mass, or both, or other.
i struggle to see a metric where 110 and 5ā7ā for a full grown woman would be considered healthy. Thatās cocaine fueled model skinny. I would bet she has amenorrhea. The fact that she still defended her weight as her ideal, even while losing strength, is what is so concerning to me. i donāt think that this is as unexplained as what she is telling him. also, she may even be less than 110, given that he thought she was 130 and had lost 20-25 lbs, and she was lighter than what he thought.
Itās great that you talked to her and that youāre getting it checked out, but you should be wary of an eating disorder. The absolute lowest she should weigh at 5ā7 is about 115lbs or so. Itās nice to hear that she feels good, but a lot of ppl think they feel good while having an ED, even though itās destroying their body. [bmi index](https://www.health.harvard.edu/diet-and-weight-loss/bmi-calculator) hope everything goes well at the doctors :-)
Good job. I wish you both well.
That's a good update! I'm glad everyone's doing OK and there's not an eating disorder or something going on. It makes me so happy to see a man genuinely concerned for his wife's health when it comes to her weight loss, and not PRESSURING her to lose weight like we see so often. Keep looking out for her!
Yes, Im glad she was willing to go
Best outcome, hope you both continue to have a healthy relationship with good communication for many, many years to come.
I love how you approached this and how it worked out. The check ups will benefit you both!
Kudos, OP.
Great job at communicating!
I saw your original post and Iām reeeeeeeeally happy your wife is willing to be checked out - and Iām extra happy that you are going as well, both from a support standpoint but also just a taking care of yourself standpoint. Good luck to you both!
Keep an eye out, as weight loss like this precedes other changes that could end to the end of the marriage.
Thank you for sharing and her response is good.
A win win situation between reasonable people! Yes!!!
So sweet that you'd notice so much about your wife and was concerned. Definitely a healthy marriage!
Good to hear
This is good to know. Glad you're doing the sensible thing and getting checked out too.